#I’m pretty adamant I’m not gonna let myself fucking die until I finish this fucking fic

[raddishwrites]

Should anyone come looking, I am dealing with a crisis. It’s a rather mundane crisis in the scheme of possibilities, and I’m not in physical danger or injured.

I am however completely overwhelmed and unable to socialise.

I’ll be dealing with this crisis for, rough estimate, 6 weeks. Then recovery for an unknown amount of time, depending.

This is not to worry anyone, it’s to assure you that my distance is not a lack of care or want to interact.

See you on the other side, take care of yourselves until then.

[themaninflannel]

I’m not fragile  (pt 3 of snapshots)

Summary: Dean finally agrees to teach the reader how to fight, or at least that’s what he thought he was going to do.  Warnings: yelling, drinking, smut, sort of sub!dean, lots of sass Word count:~2.2k A/N: the previous parts of this series are on my masterlist!

I was sitting at the little table in our motel room doing research for a case the boys were working on when it hit me: I was defenseless. All I had was the gun on the chair next to me, but no training on how to use it, so if the monster of the week decided that they wanted to come for me I was a goner. I needed to learn how to fight. Plain and simple. 

Well apparently that was easier said than done because when I brought it up to Sam and Dean it didn’t go very well.

“Hey guys, I was thinking….ummm….I should probably learn how to defend myself….ya know, learn how to fight and all that,” I said between bites of pizza.

“Ummm I don’t know if that’s such a great idea,”Sam cautioned.

“Yeah that just not happening,” Was Dean’s opinion on the idea.

“Ok hear me out, something might come after all of us,or even just me, and I would have no way to defend myself. I don’t want to be the damsel in distress that needs to be saved. It’s bad for me AND it’s bad for you guys, it would distract you from the real problem. If you guys know that I’ll be ok then your full efforts can be focused on killing the monster.”

“Nope not happening. I’m not teaching you how to fight just for you to go out and try to take something on by yourself and get hurt.” Dean seemed adamant, but he wasn’t the only one to stand their ground.

“Oh please! Give me some credit man, I’m smarter than that,”

“Hear her out, Dean, she makes a decent point,” 

“Thank you, Sam. Dean I promise I just want to defend myself,”

“I said no. End of discussion.” Dean aggressively stood up, his chair bouncing back behind him and grabbed his jacket, “I’m going out.”

Things were awkward for the next couple of days. Dean and I didn’t really talk at all, Sam kept sending me apologetic looks but that was about all. They finished the case, with my research saving their asses, and then we moved on to the next town. It went on like that for a few cases, Sam and I got closer while Dean insisted that there was nothing more to discuss and kept his distance. 

A few more cases went by where Dean wouldn’t talk to me about anything other than research. I got sick of that real fast, so one day when the boys were out I decided to take a stand. When they walked back in through the doors I made my play.

“Why won’t you train me? I deserve to defend myself,” I said standing up from the edge of the bed I had been sitting in while I waited.

“It’s not safe,”

“Really? That’s your argument?” I couldn’t believe him, “NOTHING about this job is safe!”

“I’m gonna let you guys talk this out,” Sam snuck back out the door.

“Goddammit Y/N! I already told you it’s not happening,”

“WHY NOT?!” I was yelling at this point.

“Because I can’t risk you getting hurt!” He was yelling now too.

“THEN I SHOULDN'T EVEN BE HERE,”

“I DIDN'T WANT YOU TO COME ALONG IN THE FIRST PLACE,” that one hurt.

“FUCK YOU WINCHESTER,” I shoved him, hard. 

“WHAT THE HELL Y/N?”

“I’m already here, whether you like it or not, so you might as well train me so there’s the smallest chance possible of me actually getting hurt. But look I get it, if you don’t want me here I’ll go,” I had to get out of there before he saw how much that comment hurt. I grabbed my coat and stormed out.

Dean found me a few hours (and a few drinks) later at one of the local dives. I was sitting at the bar with a tequila shot and a beer in front of me, attempting to make myself feel better about the fact that I wasn’t wanted. Needless to say it wasn’t working. Despite the fact that I was not in the least bit sober, I knew that the man who had just walked into the bar made a beeline for the barstool next to mine. Before he even sat down I knew it was Dean. 

“What are you doing here, Dean?” I was not in the mood to be polite.

“Look, Y/N I’m sorry about saying I didn’t want you around-“

“Then why’d you say it?”

“I just don't want you to get hurt!”

“So train me!” The exasperated was very clear in my voice. “That’s the whole reason why I wanna learn, I don’t wanna get hurt either,”

“Can we talk about this tomorrow? Just come back to the motel. Please?”

“Seriously? Why can’t we talk about this now?”

“Well, for one, because your drunk,”

“Oh please” I scoffed after taking another shot, “you’re always drunk,”

“Fine, if I agree to train you, will you just come back to the motel already?”

“Only if you mean it,” I may have been drunk but I could still tell when a Winchester was lying. 

“Yes, ok. Fine!”

“Wonderful! That’s all I wanted to hear,” I hopped off my stool, managing to only wobble a little, and held my hand out to Dean. I had a feeling he was lying but I was gonna hold him to his promise. 

The next morning I woke up bright and early and even though I felt like absolute ass I got myself together and tried to feel like a person before I woke Dean up, I would damned if I wasn’t gonna make him keep his promise to train me. 

“Yo. Winchester. Rise and shine!” I shook him a little and when he stirred I shoved a cup of coffee in his face. I may be bold but I’m not trying to die because Dean didn’t get his coffee. 

“Ugh Y/N? What time is it?”

“Like 8ish,”

“Too early!” He said into his pillow. 

“Nope, you made me a promise. Get up,”

“How are you not hungover? You were trashed last night,” he grumbled, finally making his way out of bed. 

“Water. See, D, if you drink water like a normal person and not just alcohol you’ll feel better the next day,” I was lying out of my ass, I felt like crap but I was not about to give him a reason to back down. 

Once he had woken up and drank an amount of coffee that would have had my skin vibrating, it was time. I could tell that Dean was still not happy that I had bullied him into actually keeping his word when all he wanted was to get me out of that bar. 

“God my bruises have bruises,” I flopped down on the grass of the clearing I had dragged Dean to. 

“Ugh you’re telling me,” Dean said across the clearing. What Dean did not know before going into this training session was that I actually knew more about hand to hand than I was letting on. As soon as I had learned about the supernatural world I started taking classes. 

“Well, you seem to think I’m fragile so I thought I would show you that I can take care of myself,” 

“Point made,” he groaned standing up, “I don’t know why you couldn’t just tell me,”

“For one I don’t think you would have believed me, second I’m pretty sure you held back even after I slammed you into the ground,” I reached up and grabbed Dean's arm, pulling him down and rolling on top of him. 

“Whoa!” 

“Like I said- not fragile.” I whispered into his ear, pinning his arms above his head.

“Oh, umm, no nope not fragile,” he stuttered, his hands going straight to my thighs when I let them go, “sweetheart, um, you gotta move if you don’t want this to get real awkward real fast,” In response I wiggled in his lap making him gasp. I could feel him starting to respond under me. 

“What? You said to move,” I teased, “do you want me to get off?” I leaned down close to his face. 

“No!” His hands got tighter on my thighs, “don’t go anywhere,” he growled before he tilted his chin up and captured my lips with his. My hands went to his hair, his went to my ass, and the only thought in my head was FINALLY because damn did he look hot when he was shirtless. I decided to tease him and circle my hips a little, I could feel that he was fully hard under his jeans. 

“Ugh you gotta stop that,” he moaned out. His voice sounded strained and it pulled on something inside me. But I didn’t have the brain power to think about what that meant, so instead I took off my shirt. 

Dean flipped us so that he was hovering over me.

“This feels familiar,” He said before he lowered his head to my nipple. I let myself succumb to the feeling for a minute before I took back control and flipped us over again. 

“This doesn’t,” I started unbuckling his pants. 

“Why didn’t we do this before,” he moaned when I pushed his pants and boxers past his hips, finally letting his dick free. I leaned back down and kissed my way from his jaw down his neck, spending some time on his nipples once I realized how sensitive they were because I just loved the sounds he was making. Eventually I kept moving down until I was hovering over his cock- not touching it but he could feel my breath. 

“Please,” he whimpered, I never would have expected him to let me take over like this but I was loving it. 

“Tell me what you want,”

“Uh your mouth, I want your mouth,” I kissed a line up the side of his dick and then licked a stripe up the vein before I took his head into my mouth. Hollowed my cheeks and took as much of him in as I could. I pulled off and swirled my tongue around the tip taking the precum into my mouth. Before I could go down again he pulled me up and kissed me, his hands roaming all over. 

“I want to taste you,” he said into my neck, his fingers working on the button on my pants. 

“Yes. Ok yes,” under any other circumstances I probably would have been embarrassed by how desperate I sounded but right then I could not give any fucks, especially because Dean surprised me by shifting me so I was practically sitting on his face. I might have protested but before I could even think to say something he swiped his tongue up and sucked on my clit. 

“Dean!” I moaned out, I could feel him smirking before he went back to one he was doing. A few licks and swipes and I was cumming faster than I expected. Once I had come down he helped me move back so I was sitting on his thighs, I could see the evidence of my orgasm all over his face, along with his smug smile. 

“Shut up,” I rolled my eyes at him before I reached down and held his cock to my entrance. I slid him between my lips making him groan, once I had him squirming under me I sank down slowly. His hands went to my nipples, he pinched and twisted making me throw my head back and moaned. I felt him deeper in me than I expected, he was hitting every spot inside me perfectly, I bounced on his cock feeling him slide in and out of me, hearing his groans, and seeing his face. I never expected to be doing this with him again but now that I was I never wanted to stop. I could feel my second orgasm slowly approaching and I could tell he was too by the sounds he was making and how he was struggling to keep a rhythm under me. 

“I’m not gonna last long, sweetheart,” he breathed out. 

“I’m close too,” I circled my hips and ground down onto him, his pubic bone adding pressure where I needed it most. With one last movement my orgasm hit me and I clenched around him causing him to spill himself inside me with a groan. 

Once I came back to reality I rolled off him and back onto the grass. 

“Woah,” I sighed. High fiving him before putting my jeans back on. 

“Yeah…” Dean answered. “Ok, so not fragile at all,” I laughed pulling my shirt over my head. 

“Told you,” I sassed. Once we had both gotten our clothes back on we walked back to the Impala. 

“Ok so I can fight but I still need you to teach me how to shoot and what kills what,” I leaned against the side of the impala. 

“Back to business huh,” he rolled his eyes at me, “we’ll work on all that later, but I’m still hungover and you kinda kicked my butt so I could use a nap right now,” he said getting back into the car. 

“Ok fair enough, we’ll revisit later I guess,” I was a little disappointed that we weren’t just going to jump right into it but I was still too orgasm happy to fight it.

[snarkwriteswrasslin]

three | hard to forget - adam p.

[ authors notes ]

This one took a little longer to get out and for that, I’m sorry. It wasn’t clicking until just now. So, this is the unedited and rough version because as soon as I finished, I figured to hell with the editing process, just post it and be done. Yes, it’s still angst city. Yes, they’re both still being stubborn. BUT... they were finally kind of forced into interaction so yay? I guess? 

FYI, this is probably gonna be a mini fic, so there’s probably only about 9 or 10 actual chapters left of it. I never meant for it to be that long BUT... we’ll see... all depends on how well it actually goes over... Do with that what you will... Also, the OFC’s self worth issues are not going to magically disappear just because the story comes to some kind of conclusion. I believe I mentioned this once before, the ofc here has the same issues I do to an extent... Anyway, enjoy a little lingering sexual tension in this part?

[ one - two - darling, the unofficial first chapter of the story - the soundtrack ]

[ warnings ]

Self esteem issues cw. Anxiety cw. Alcohol cw. Angst and sort of a slow burn. Mini fic, fyi. Probably won’t be very long. Potentially smut at some point. I switch between first person pov ( my oc’s pov ) to third person pov ( usually hangman, but also any other side characters I might use in this). 

[ tag squad ]

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@chasingeverybreakingwave​

@waywardwrestlewritingwaif​

@sassymox​

@hungmanhorsecarriage​

@wardl0w​

@unabashedwrestlefics​

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[ tag doc  | about page  | masterlist ] 

                                                  T H R E E 

[ ADAM ]

“Talking to her is probably a better idea than staring a hole through her, man.” Wardlow spoke up from beside Adam just as Adam poured himself another glass of whiskey. Adam took a long and thoughtful sip before shrugging.

“Obviously, there’s nothin to talk about.”

“And you’re an idiot if you believe that. Full offense meant.” Wardlow ordered his own drink and took a sip, eyes darting up to the screen mounted close to the ceiling  behind the bar. He chuckled at the score on the hockey game playing and then spoke up again. “All I’m saying is you don’t want one of the other guys stepping up and getting a shot you didn’t take. I mean, earlier… Did you not overhear Maxwell?”

“Oh yeah. I heard him. Why the fuck do you think I put him against the wall real quick like I did. It’s not my business if she chooses one of them though. Nothin’ I can do about it, either.” Adam shrugged, but deep down, it had him on edge. On top of everything else… He was having to deal with the fact that one night with Rosalie showed him just how much he didn’t want things to be one night only between the two of them.

Everything was turning into a massive clusterfuck that he couldn’t escape, no matter how far in the bottom of the bottle he tried burying himself.

The win tonight over his opponent felt like a hollow victory because just as the ref raised his hand it really sank in just how alone he felt and how well he’d managed to alienate himself from his friends. The fact that Rosalie was fine with a one night stand and wanted nothing further to do with him meant that he couldn’t share the moment with her, either.

But the problem with all of this was that the more he tried to go without talking about how he felt, the further down he tried to push it all, lately, that was the harder everything tried to push it’s way to the forefront. It was getting to a point where he felt like he was one breath away from exploding in frustration at any moment.

The more he tried to find Rosalie in back and at least clear the air between them, the better she seemed to get at making herself scarce.

Just as he found himself thinking about it, he happened to spot her, pushing her way through the crowd surrounding the bar at the other end of it. Banging on the wooden bartop noisily, she hopped up and down, shoving money at a bartender who came past and getting herself a bottle of Tito’s. Adam felt himself tense all over and whether or not he meant to, his eyes were fixed on her. He bit his lip and took a long sip from the glass and Wardlow cleared his throat. “If you don’t step up, Page. Someone else will. Women like that don’t stay single or lonely long at all. Trust me.”

Without another word, Wardlow was gone, leaving Adam to watch intently. He swore to himself and grumbled when Matt Jackson wandered right up to her, boldly leaning against her from behind and muttering something against her ear.

“Naturally, he’s gotta go there.” Adam grumbled to himself as the scowl took over. He watched the scene unfolding and maybe he was a little more amused than he should’ve been when he saw Rosalie rolling her eyes before she turned around. She suck popped a gum bubble and blew at her bangs. Every physical cue she was giving off read clear irritation and annoyance and yet… Matt was apparently determined.

,, Jackass even has roses. If he really gave a shit he’d know she liked sunflowers or daisies.” Adam found himself thinking. The thought lingered, annoying him all over again. No matter how much he wanted to be angry and hate his former friends, he knew deep down that everything they’d said to him the last time they all talked had unfortunately been true.

They may have set it all in motion, but he’d been the one who let it continue for so long. Then he’d been the one who exploded and went straight for self-destruct mode rather than doing what he should’ve done, beating their asses and getting his frustrations out there and putting it behind him. And all of that, his brain wasted no time in reminding him, trickled down to the situation with her, and his inability to even fathom taking a chance and speaking up about the way he really felt. And it bothered him because he knew that not only was he letting his friends slip through his fingers but now, a chance at being with her too.

And then, it happened. Rosalie happened to spot him sitting there, watching her. For a few seconds, she stared right back, teeth grazing against a full lower lip. Adam hated to admit it, but he felt a small surge of pride at the fact that he’d done a good enough job leaving marks behind their night together that the small bite mark just below her earlobe hadn’t really faded that much.  ,, then again, I was so desperate to leave any kind of sign that I even had her to myself  for one night that I really latched onto that spot at least 4 times. Was the hardest mark I left.” 

He must have been staring at the area pretty hard because her hand raised, fingertips settling right against the spot in question. She squirmed on her stool under his gaze and bit her lip. Adam shifted on his stool and took a deep breath, trying to will away the way he was starting to strain against his jeans. Because before that happened again, they needed to have a long and serious conversation.

She shotgunned a sip from the tequila bottle and swallowed hard, wincing at the way the alcohol must’ve burned it’s way down her throat and Adam raised his own glass, finishing it off without breaking his gaze with her.

Apparently, it was enough to be noticed by Matt, who glared at him before grumbling to himself and walking away for the time being. Neither of them were caving yet, the stare war still going on. If he were a more confident and far less anxious kind of guy, he’d almost swear that maybe the tequila was hitting her system and maybe, she was flirting across the room.

As soon as even the hint of that thought hit, Adam was on top of it, shoving it down deep before hope dared to have a chance to grow.

She sighed and the movement of her lips had his eyes locked there, following helplessly as her tongue dragged over the outline of her mouth. When she brushed shaggy bangs out of her eyes, Adam’s hand clenched because honestly, he just wanted to tangle his fingers up in her hair again, use his grip on the soft and thick locks to tug her mouth into his so deep that by the time the kiss broke they were breathing for each other.

She broke eye contact first, turning her attention to the doors of the sports bar and Adam tore his eyes off her, fixing them on his own drink.

,, if I don’t say something soon, I’m going to lose my damn mind.” 

[ ROSALIE ]

I could smell Matt Jackson before he even pressed against me from behind. The cologne he wore is not my favorite and it never has been. ,, It’s not my fault I prefer Adam’s natural scent to the overpowering notes of whatever the hell Matt is wearing all the time.” my brain chimed in and I quickly shoved the thought out.

I was here tonight because no fucking thanks to Adam’s earlier match and win, I needed a good stiff drink. ,, Is a good stiff drink not how I wound up in the situation I’m in right now though?” - my brain was at it again, nagging and being pesky. Between my own mind and my mom, I was dangerously close to exploding lately.

Matt pressed against me from behind, reaching past me to grab a soda he’d apparently ordered and I cringed to myself, eyes rolling as I prepared myself for what Matt felt was ‘his best game’. In truth, his best game is a fucking annoyance to me.

If I were going to hook up with a Jackson brother, I’d die before I ever considered Matt. Nick… Nick clearly has more going for him that’s not quite so…. Overpowering and annoying.

Not that I’ve ever given them any sort of actual thought in that regard, I’m just stating a fact.

“You drinking alone, Rosie?”

“Don’t call me that, Matt. I have a name.”

Matt chuckled in amusement. He was still pressing against me a little. I tensed and he seemed to finally take the fucking hint, stepping away a little. “You could bring your bottle and come over to where me and Nick are sitting. It’d keep Maxwell off your ass.”

“I’m here alone. As in, I want to drink this tequila all by myself. Nice try, Matt.” I responded, turning just enough to smirk up at him as my words hit their mark. He grumbled and bit his lip, shaking his head. “I don’t get it. Why not just give somebody a chance?”

“Why not just leave somebody alone, though? I’ve told every single one of you who keeps trying lately, I have zero interest. That what happened that night is not only not any of your business, but it was supposed to stay between me and Adam.”

“And yet, you were telling your friends.”

“I didn’t tell them!” I grumbled and rolled my eyes in frustration, blowing at hair that flopped into my eyes and I took a sip, continuing, “They knew something was wrong with me and they kept at me til they guessed. Not that it’s your business, Jackson.”

“You can call me Matt.”

“Can I call you gone already? Because I’m exhausted with this conversation. Look.. I get that you have a hard time hearing the word no. I get that you’re trying to pour on the charm and I get that you think you want me but trust me, Matt, you don’t. Nobody ever actually does.”

“That’s not true, hon.” Matt’s brows knit together as he looked me up and down, licking his lips. I grumbled and turned away, rolling my eyes as I knocked more of my bottle back.

Somehow, I found my eyes fixed on Adam in all this.

And I tried, but I couldn’t tear my eyes off him. And as I stared, all I kept seeing was that fire in his eyes earlier tonight during his singles match. The way he looked fired up and ready to take on the whole world. I was starting to get soaked all over again and I shifted around on the stool a little. 

The hunger burning in his eyes as they roamed over me had memories of that night stirring to the front of my mind and if I thought I was soaked before, that was in fact a lie. I could feel my thighs slipping off each other. The realization had me reaching for my bottle and taking a generous sip. I tried again to tear my eyes off him but I couldn’t do that either. Instead, I found them fixing on a not quite hidden hickie that I knew full well I’d left behind on the right side of his neck. I swallowed hard and took a deep breath because I remembered that I hadn’t been the only one who left a mark.

And at the sudden rearing of the thought, my fingers raised, gingerly dancing over the deep impression of his bite in my skin. I could feel my face getting hotter by the second. 

Matt seemed to finally catch onto the stare down happening between Adam and I and he grumbled, making a hasty retreat.

It took everything I possessed not to shove through the crowd and go to Adam. Especially with the statement he made in an interview before his match earlier tonight burned into my brain. Hurting me because I knew for a fact that the words weren’t true and it killed me that he might even halfway consider them to be so.

I finally managed to tear my eyes off of him, spotting Sonny Kiss and Joey Janela making their way into the bar. I waved to them both, grateful for the distraction they’d provide me. The barrier they’d make between me and my desire to go to Adam and bare my entire soul.

And probably be rejected. Or have to hear him say that the one night between us was a moment of weakness and it didn’t mean anything.

Or any number of things I’d heard a thousand times before.

[thefigureinthecorner]

finished the covers for my caleb and adam playlists! putting them together because like......... i have to. i can’t separate them

there is a caleb/adam playlist too but i’m gonna post that cover separately bc i have a different idea for that one

playlist notes under the cut!

caleb

yes, this playlist is 40% sleeping at last. no, i am not going to apologize for that. they have an album called emotions, it was kind of impossible to not use those songs.

falling for the first time- barenaked ladies: this gives me some strong caleb vibes, and i think it’s because it’s kind of an upbeat but also vaguely self-deprecating song? i mean, come on. I'm so cool, too bad I'm a loser/I'm so smart, too bad I can't get anything figured out/I'm so brave, too bad I'm a baby/I'm so fly, that's probably why it feels just like I'm falling for the first time

son- sleeping at last: And I will try, try, try to breathe 'til it turns to muscle memory I'm only steady on my knees One day I'll stand on my own two feet And I'll run the risk Of being intimate with brokenness Through this magnifying glass I see a thousand finger prints On the surfaces of who I am

soul meets body- death cab for cutie: it’s got some caleb/adam elements, but ultimately i chose to use it as a caleb song, because it feels more specifically like caleb seeking out adam’s emotions because they make him feel more like himself; So brown eyes I'll hold you near/'Cause you're the only song I want to hear/A melody softly soaring through my atmosphere

joy- sleeping at last: i just really love the way emotions are described in the songs on this album (well, except for fear, which has no lyrics and is also not on this playlist). i also just really love The clumsy start of adolescence/The glue that mends our broken remnants/An overwhelming sense of reverence/It's a glimpse of light in a mine of gold for caleb

a new mission- josh whitehouse: ah. this song. this was the song that made this playlist really, really difficult to make, because it was the first song i added and it set a very high bar for literally every other song on the playlist. it just feels so perfect as a caleb song to me, especially early on, when he was still figuring things out and he was constantly overwhelmed by all the feelings around him and in him.

Sometimes I can't control a feeling that I get inside my chest Even with those who are close to me, the ones I call my best I lose sight of all my confidence, in a heavy single step It's happened ever since my childhood, things I thought I'd put to rest I can keep my mind intact by getting on with a new mission I can push myself, having heavy ammunition When something gets me down, for a second I'm distracted I look back amongst the lights I consequently lit my path with

anger- sleeping at last: I mean, it kinda feels like this song has to be on here, yknow? especially with this part, which genuinely feels like how caleb describes anger sometimes: Like wildfire, it starts in my chest/The silence grows louder, ringing out in my head/I feel the Earth shaking under my feet/I feel the pressure building until I can't breathe/And it takes everything/And it all spills out, reckless but honest words leave my mouth

if i say- mumford and sons: aaand now we’re at the sad part of the playlist, because i can’t make happy playlists apparently. this one is definitely a safehouse caleb song; Show me your hands/Are they cleaner than mine?/Show me your face/Did you cross the line?/Show me your eyes/They any drier than mine?/Your soul survives/But peace, you'll never find

organs- of monsters and men: also a safehouse song, but more aftermath than in the middle of things. it’s sadder, more subdued.

sorrow- sleeping at last: more safehouse! who would’ve guessed!

I feel out of focus, or at least indisposed As this strange weather pattern inside me takes hold. Each brave step forward, I take three steps behind. It's mind over matter-- matter over mind.

Slowly, then all at once A single loose thread and it all comes undone

up with the birds- coldplay: caleb likes coldplay, so i had to include one of their songs, and this one is just. kind of perfect?

The sky is blue, Dreamed that lie 'til it's true, Then takin' back the punch I threw, My arms turn wings, Oh, those clumsy things Send me up to that wonderful world And then I'm up with the birds

--

adam

some of these songs are here for tone; the line between what adam would listen to and what helps me draw him is very thin compared to most characters. i did try to make sure they were all songs that fit him at least a little bit, though.

all the kids are depressed- jeremy zucker: i mean. i feel like the title kind of speaks for itself here, honestly. also the lyrics fit pretty well. there isn’t a ton of explaining that needs to be done for this one.

three- sleeping at last: yes i am back on my sleeping at last bullshit no i don’t care this song is perfect go look at the lyrics they’re all good here’s some of them: Maybe I've done enough/Finally catching up/For the first time I see an image of my brokenness/Utterly worthy of love/Maybe I've done enough

velodrome- dessa: this was one of the songs i included primarily for the tone; it’s one of the songs i listen to full volume on my Nice Headphones when i’m feeling too much at once because it kind of just gets rid of everything somehow. it just creates this kind of,, pleasant hollow feeling, if that makes any sense at all. but i realized after i added it that some of the lyrics do kind of fit: With a bell to tell us when we're hungry/There's a bell to tell us when we're tired/A bell that tells us to rise and fight/A bell to rise and die/It's just all bells/Sometimes I ring myself/To see if I might chime

drowning- jay brannan: a lauren playlist song, because like. fuck. that is all i have to say on this song: fuck

trapdoor- twenty one pilots: adam is a top fan because of course he is. i listened to this one a lot in high school so i’m passing it on to adam, and it also felt like a good follow-up to drowning

marching bands of manhattan- death cab for cutie: god this song is perfect. also, another song i listened to a lot in high school.

And it is true what you said That I live like a hermit in my own head But when the sun shines again I'll pull the curtains and blinds to let the light in

Sorrow drips into your heart through a pinhole Just like a faucet that leaks and there is comfort in the sound But while you debate half empty and half full It slowly rises, your love is gonna drown

nine: sleeping at last: god, this song. it fits way too well and it hurts. it’s genuinely difficult to choose lyrics from this song, and i recommend looking at the full lyrics because holy shit, but like

Who am I to say what any of this means? I have been sleepwalking since I was fourteen Now as I write my song, I retrace my steps Honestly, it's easier to let myself forget

Still, I check my vital signs Choked up, I realize I've been less than half myself For more than half my life

Wake up; fall in love again Wage war on gravity There's so much worth fighting for, you'll see Another domino falls either way

better days- radical face: 90% of my playlists have radical face songs. adam especially needed one, though, because his playlist notes mentioned he’d probably actively seek out queer artists, and also there was a youtube q&a where ben cooper said he never writes songs while he’s happy, and honestly the whole discography has adam vibes imo. anyway: When you're always drifting out to sea/Because the ground won't stay beneath your feet/And your head is pouring gasoline/On the person you prefer to be/Try to remind yourself/That it's probably gonna take some time/But there are better days to find

the little things give you away- linkin park: it just has that drowning vibe. i mean, it makes sense, they reference drowning, like, a lot in the song, but i feel like the tone of it adds a lot to that too. like, i can feel that guitar, you know? or maybe that’s just me. idk, it just works, i think.

in a week- hozier: you ever just listen to this in a dark room lying on your back with your eyes closed and yeah? because like, i do sometimes, and i kinda feel like adam does too. i needed a hozier song on this playlist and this felt like the most fitting one to add, and a nice subdued end to the playlist.

[ain-t-bovvered]

JiBcon 2019

Hi everyone, welcome to my early recollection of the “what the fuck is going on” JiB convention.

So as I hope many of you know I’m Italian, but I live in the North ( lol long live the North y’  all, it’s the best I guarantee, I mean I always miss the north so much every time I leave). Anyway, Rome is like not even an hour flight from when I am so I didn’t even felt the flight nerves because it was over even before I could say: “ fuck I wanna land already!”.

[Listen I have a lot to say, this is going to be real long so get ready]

1ST DAY, 17th May

I arrived in Rome Friday at noon and went straight to my hotel, not the Hilton because.... lol, it was a hotel like 5min away ( but still they charged me 8€ like....yeah alright forgot I’m in Italy, not that surprised).

Took a shower and then went running around the city to see as much as possible since the next two days I wouldn’t be able to. My feet were destroyed btw.

Whatever forgot to eat until I came back to the hotel at 8pm or something, fell into bed and lights out. I say lights out as in I switched off the lights, my eyes were wide open because... FUCKING JIB TOMORROW !!.

2ND DAY, 18th May.

Got up at the healthy time of 6am *groans in Italian* and got ready as best as my trembling hands could. I also tried to curl my hair but the second I got out and on the train, they were already fucked, THANKS ROME HUMIDITY.

Went to meet @purpleskiesandcherrypies in her room and, to quote her: “sHe’s sO ShoRT AnD CuTe “  y’ all. I was already in love ok? Nat babe, I love you and you are my queen ok? 

Anyway, we kept pacing in the room not knowing what to do and repeating that this was a really bad idea and fuck this shit and we are not fucking ready and why did we do this thing to ourselves,  for a couple of stressing minutes,  like two normal healthy people right? and then we were like....we should like.....go downstairs and get our passes right? should we? NOPe....yeah ok, we should. So yeah grabbed the passes and stood in line to enter the con premises. 

So my first thing on the schedule was Jensen Photo Op and like...* nervous laughter* why did I do that to myself? Anyway, Nat had an angel pass so she was in a different line but still beside me for a part of the wait, she went in first and came outside to scream at my face and like....thank you Satan I do not need this??? Then my turn came quickly ( had a Demon pass), too quickly for I was not ready when I entered the room and HE STOOD RIGHT THERE SMILING AND LOOKING FLY AS HELL LIKE AN ASSHOLE. 

Jensen OP: How is it?

first of all, YOU may think you are ready, bitch let me tell ya, YOU FUCKING AIN’T, so don’t even kid yourself, just stay in line and wait for your death, that’s what it is. AND YES, it’s really quick so try to stay focused on him ( LOL SURE ). My turn came and I couldn’t stop smiling like an idiot and I think he saw that because his smile grew and I SWEAR IT WAS CRINKLE CITY RIGHT UP THERE and I almost choked. I mean...he’s TALL OK, and his eyes were darker than I thought but I guess with all the edits of his pictures we see online one can get a very different idea of reality. His BEARD THO, it was lighter than his hair, almost looked red and so full and nicely trimmed, and I was like blinded by his smile because fuck that was bright.Also....Y’ ALL, JENSEN IS SLENDER, he’s so slender, I’m so used to him being in so many layers that seeing him in person and with just a jean shirt was a shock. I must say, Jensen is Jensen and Dean is Dean ( as in physically) I mean, I could tell and I loved it, it changed my grasps on both of them so much.  I tried to calm down to AT LEAST say a couple of words ( I was not expecting much from me honestly) but it went like this: 

me: Hi!

Jensen: Heeey!

me: is just a hug alright?

Jensen: sure thing.

He opened his arms and I just went in ( being respectful to not like lean on him like a leech, but yeah he pulls you closer if he’s in the mood), and oh god he’s warm and soft and smell like sunshine, well I smelled something sweet and spicy but the sweet part could honestly come from all the girls he hugs, in a way you could say he smell like us, lol. Like Nat, I didn’t even see the photographer at all I just look ahead and smiled, I didn’t think to smile, there was no need I was radiant, and I felt his hand covering most on my shoulder.

It was over before I could even realize what the fuck was happening. Anyway, we pulled away slowly enough that my hand lingered on his arm, and yes it was amazing. I said: “thank you so much” probably with tears in my eyes, idk (but  I know myself I probably was ) and he smiled sweetly and said, “no, thank youuu” and I was like.... lol ok I can’t, and went out the room walking on clouds. 

I’m gonna put something to cover my face in case this photo goes around Pinterest or some hell site similar.

let me tell you, I didn’t notice how tight he held me, but both his arms engulfed me. When I went to get the pic later I almost squealed because, LOOK AT HIS FACE, HE LOOKS SO CUTE AND HAPPY AND I DIED OK, Nat can confirm my freak out.

Anyway, done with that I needed a break, we both did honestly, and we went to sit for the panels. The first one was J2 panel, and awe I was not really ready to see him again, but YAY got my first glimpse of Jared and YEEEES BEARD AND BEANIE, love it.  You’ll all see the Panels everywhere so I’m not gonna be here and tell you everything that they said and did. But Jared talked about his new puppy and Jensen tried to open a bottle of unicorn wine and tried to punch the cork in and drink it ( insert many Italian offended sounds ), then he used heavy Texas accent and said Yeee-haw and I didn’t think I needed to hear that as much as I did, like....YES PLEASE AGAIN.

Anyway panel ended and they exit the stage, and boi Misha came up.

NOW LISTEN, first glimpse at Misha too.....and FUCK HE’S PRETTY OK?, HE’S SO PRETTY HE BLINDED ME DEAD FROM THE STAGE. The crowd just went B-A-L-L-I-S-T-I-C. Lots were leaving because they had Jared op and Jensen auto, and Misha was like: “Where are you, people going? SEND THEM BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE JARED AND JENSEN!”.  Misha had a red jacket and a dark polo under it, boi I was already sweating.

Misha was his normal inappropriate self as always and I love it every time. Just let Misha be Misha y’ all, because if you don’t he gets in a bad mood, like I think happened the next day. 

Also, next game with friends while watching con’s videos: DRINK every time MISHA SAYS “UM”, OR JARED’S TOUCH HIS HAIR.

happy alcoholic coma y’ all.

I and Nat were not sitting near each other, I was far back but we texted and LOL, something like “what Misha smoked, I want it “ and “ he’s so pretty I wanna cry” and “Misha looks delicious” went back and forth, so everything was going GREAT.

Next, I got the autos from Misha and Jensen. And I wasn’t expecting much because yeah ...they are autos and they go fast. I was pleasantly surprised because you could look at them the whole time you are in line, and it’s a nice view alright. Jensen was already sitting and signing and I was in line for Misha’s, who was not there yet, and fucking surprise bitch, he entered the room and passed right beside me, at arm's length, and .....* takes a deep breath* ...I can’t even begin to describe him, like...I can’t. 

He’s tall, like...it’s true he’s the smallest in height but, fuck he’s still that tall and he’s so??? well??? built??? like....he’s massive and sturdy and like I think he has his own gravity because damn I couldn’t tear my eyes from him. And he was so tan and glowing, and FUCK HIS SMILE WAS SO SOOTHING AND I MELTED. He had a bit of a shadow beard that looked so good. Anyway, I get ready to die because my heart was pounding, I got up to him and same thing as always:

Misha

me: Hi Misha.

Misha: Hello! *smile*

me internally: AAAAAAAAH 

He signed with a little heart and gave back the card and he like kept eye contact and I said the weakest “thank you” ever, smiling like an idiot again, probably scrunching my nose because I do that, and he smiled his lopsided smile and winked ( like an asshole because COME ON HOW DARE U DO THAT TO ME). And let me tell you about his eyes. 

Jensen and Jared have real nice eyes, don’t get me wrong, but I found out that they are a bit different from what I had expected, not disappointed because DAMN, but yeah, different. 

Misha’s tho?....pictures don’t make him justice on any level. HE’S STUNNING! STUNNING! His eyes are really that light blue, and in person, they are even more beautiful, breathtaking, I felt like he was staring at my soul.

Next up was Jensen’s auto, stared the whole line, and UUUUUGH he changed his shirt in a brown t-shirt and you could see all his bracelets and necklace and he looked GOOOOOD. 

Jensen

Same as before I said “Hello!” and he smiled and said “Hi” while chewing like usual and god he’s cute ok. His auto was a bit faster and I knew I couldn’t say much but I tried while he was signing. I just said “Thank you for everything Jensen” and he smiled while signing and thanked me and then I was floating out the room already.

Then I and Nat went to have some overpriced salads, which we didn’t even finish because, first of all....we were fangirling too much over ...well, everything, second, not that hungry.

Lunch time’s over, I went to get all the autos available, and I was giddy like a schoolgirl, Rob, Adam and Rich y’ all.

Rob 

He’s striking, and he’s so sweet and looks so delicate and his voice is so warm and welcoming and I wanted to cry how cute he was. I said Hello Rob, and how he was doing, and then I unblocked and told him I hoped he was having a great time and he got so happy and shiny eyes and said he was having a fantastic time and asked me the same. I wanted to keep talking but again, like Nat’s said you don’t wanna keep the line waiting so I just smiled and say thank you so much and bye. Oh and heart on his sign too.

Adam

He was a treasure and I asked him the same question because hey maybe I finally got the hang of this shit, so they all were having a great time.

Rich

and then, of course, he messed with me. He was so excited and hyperactive he almost made a babbling mess out of me, ALMOST. He asked me from where I was and I said, I’m Italian, and what does this asshole do?, lol tries to speak Italian.

Rich: *in bad Italian*  customization? 

me: ???????

Rich to his handler: how do you say that?

me and his handler trying to spell the word: PERSONALIZZAZIONE. Hilarious. Well, he got the hang of it fairly quickly and gave me back the card, unsigned I was like...?????? 

Rich: you give me that back and ask me.

me: OH  *probably blushing like an idiot* 

Rich: Hello!

me: HI! *hands the card* to Giulia, please?

Rich: Sure love!

me: *giggles like a schoolgirl* thank you! 

Rich: no thank you for the practice!

me: you are welcome 

I got in line for Jared’s but he was running late and I had his photo Op next, so I got out to get in line for that because it was the last solo one. I thought yeah alright I already broke the ice with Jensen, how worse can this be?

let me tell ya....that bitch that said that right there? LOL, SHE’S AN IDIOT. DON’T LISTEN TO HER...EVER.

Found some girls from my hometown too, lol the world sure is small, we fangirled shamelessly, but I got the feeling one of them was not a Misha fan at all and ...lol nope ok, but they were nice either way.  

Jared OP: how is it?

Again let me tell ya, not fucking ready. I get into the room and Jesus Fucking Christ he looks MAJESTIC, MAJESTIC I tell you. He had a dark blue jacket and a shirt with some flower or something on it, the beard was distracting. He looked in such a good mood, which I was glad, no beanie, which I was also glad ( love it but I wanted that mane free). Anyway, do I need to tell you he’s tall? yeah well, he’s taller than tall. I walked up to him, smiling. AND FUCK THAT WAS A RELIGIOUS EXPERIENCE. He had some light behind him that shining through his hair made him look like an actual Jesus with a halo, and y’ all I’ve been blessed. His eyes looked so bright, and this strange combination of almost green-hazel created by the lights on his face. and y’ all his beard was so thick and luscious...YES 

me: Hi!

Jared: Hi Sweetie

Me internally  NO NOOOOOO.

Me: Is just a hug alright?

Jared: Absolutely, come here ( or bring it, I’m not sure I was still mentally screaming)

Anyway, the moment he saw me he crunched down, and he crunched down so low that I almost got offended LOL, but I mean I needed to be in the frame right? His hugs are BONE CRUSHING, he hugs you so tight and squeezes too, it almost hurt, felt his bearded chin on my head too, it was amazing.

We both pulled away slowly and as I said “Thank you sooo much “  he slid his hand down my arm and squeezed it, again, almost hurting me, and said “thank you” with the sweetest smile.

Then we saw the last panels, Misha’s and after Jared’s that closed the day.

Nat and I went on a food and alcohol mission to the Spanish steps and then threw our coins in the Trevi fountains so we can get back next year too. Got to chat more, got roasted about my late car and my new one, like.... thanks Nat, love ya too. Took a taxi back because lol Italian transports ...are AmAziNG, and then shower and crashed the bed at like 1 am?

3RD DAY, 19th May

...Wake up in the morning feeling like P Diddy...

got my pass and I’m out the door, I’m gonna hit the JiBcon.

Before I leave, pack my suitcase and all of my shit

‘cause when I leave for the Hilton I ain’t coming back.

Reaching Nat again and she’s freaking out about the Jensen M&G, which I’m like...LOL CAN’T RELATE.

First Panel is Jared’s and he’s gracious and funny as always, but also he said that for him it was 2am and jet lag was starting to hit hard. Nat went to take her Op and she wrote to me that Misha was wearing a leather jacket and a Kiss t-shirt and LISTEN CAN HE NOT? Anyway, Jared’s panel ended and I made my way to take Misha’op and, oh boi the line started right where he was gonna walk by to get to the room and I was first row. So he passed by and , like the dumb fangirl I am I stick out my hand, and YA WE HELD HANDS FOR A HOT SECOND and it was great, 10/10 would do again. ( Nat roasted my ass again ).

I was in line and I noticed that I would lose Alex and Matt’s autos, but I couldn’t get out Misha’s op because the other one was at the same time as Jared autos, which I couldn’t lose because the next one was during the Cockles’ panel and I’m not losing that shit. 

Misha’s OP: How is it?

Ok, I could write you papers about how damn pretty Misha is. I’m almost sad that photos don’t really make him justice, I guess machines can’t handle all that beauty. And although he looked like a snac, he also seemed tired, so I was already like....aw shit. I get into the photo space and he looks like he’s in a good mood anyway, and I can’t stop staring and smiling like an idiot as he takes all the photos, I mean I was standing where he had to look for the picture but it also looked like he was looking at me ( shut up, let me dream), anyway eye contact again, it was magical. Until it was my turn.

I walked up to him and .....LOL.

I didn’t know where to focus. He’s massive, I didn’t know where his fucking chest stopped and his face is also big and wide and those eyes that pierce through you? well, I was lucky that I managed to babble something. 

Now, this is where it gets a little ... well, you’ll see.

Misha: Hello!

me: Hi Misha! ( probably in a tiny squeaky voice, because ...Misha) Is a hug alright? ( I went with the same formula because I know it’s alright, but asking if it is,  seems like the polite thing to do, like asking for consent)

Misha: Yep

and then he wrapped me and I’m like, this is great, he smells so good, like spicy and very manly but also fresh, so it was not overwhelming. Then, again leaning back to thank him and he nodded, winked and all his face scrunched and again that cute crooked smile. So I was like, ok he looked tired but he seemed still in a good mood. But then I got hand on my photo and ...I mean, not gonna lie I was a bit bummed out because he’s not really smiling. So I was giving myself a headache thinking if I did or said something wrong, and I know I didn’t but I couldn’t stop thinking about it. I didn't look at the photo for some time until I let Nat see it. And yeah, while he may not be smiling that much, he still looked soft, we both came to the conclusion, also because we saw more pics of the same session, he wasn’t hardcore smiling the whole time. Then we saw more of the Jensen’s photo of this last day and he too isn’t smiling in all of them, I mean, they all looked so tired. 

To joke about it , just to make me feel a bit better and less bitter ( because I have no reason to be, they tired and they are entitled to be tired, I’m just thankful that they were there), I said that I thought I was getting a Misha OP and instead I got a Castiel’s one, like: why is Castiel here? Did another French Mistake happen? which....yeah fair.

The last thing I needed to get was Jared’s auto. So I went to get in line really early because I had nothing else to do and the room was FREEZING, I suspected because of Jared, which I get it, I prefer to be cold than hot and sweaty since I’m like him a sweat a lot with minimum effort. 

Again they let us in before Jared arrived so we were all standing in line when he walked in. And AGAIN, walked right beside me, and I saw people respecting boundaries and staying put in their spot, but some just raised their hands and Jared gladly high-fived people who wanted, so who am I to deny that to myself?. So I shoved my shyness aside and timidly raised my hand too. But lol I’m short af so he had to bend a bit for me so I would not step forward ( bodyguards were strict as they should )  and we smacked hands with a really nice “CLAP”. It was amazing, and yes he smiled again, Jared was in a really good mood all con and I’m glad he was having a good time ( at least that’s the impression I had). Jared wore a dark green plaid shirt and a black t-shirt, black jeans and black beanie and he looked the softest boi ever.

Jared

Anyway, my turn to get my auto and I went in slow because I wanted to at least say a few words, and I did.

Jared: Hi!

me: Hi Jared! How are you?

Jared: I’m awesome, thank you, and how are you?

me: I’m great. Thank you for everything.

Jared with his sweet puppy eyes, and beanie, and a soft sweet warm smile just stared at me for a quick second and mouthed the sweetest “thank you”, lightly touching his chest. I smiled and nodded and went on my merry way outside the room, AND THEN I DIED.

So at this point, I had finished, I waited for Nat while watching in awe my autos collection 

Before the last panels, I managed to get lots of glimpses of everyone again. Jensen as he got out the m&g room, and then all of the cast as they walked out to get the group picture with the Jib10 people. Then it was time for the panels. Jason played and sang for us as we waited for Jared and Misha panel, and I mean...Boy’s got a real fucking nice voice live, I recorded two songs, Stand by Me and Perfect Spot. 

And then the panel started.

GOD THIS PANEL. I had tears from laughing. Misha run out the room, Jared followed him, and the bodyguards running after them panicking. I CAN’T. And then Misha did some accents and I died again ( drink every time I wrote I died). Jared was on FIRE.

OH, before I forget, I laugh like Jensen, the leaning back laugh. Yeah I do, it’s great, never noticed like that before, I mean I’m Italian so I move a lot when I talk, it makes sense that when I burst into a laugh, I laugh with my whole body, so now y’ all know.

Matt and Alex's panel was also really nice. I finally got to see some Alex! He’s so cute, he’s a treasure, I love him so much and ...he’s so different from Jack like you can’t confuse them AT ALL. I wish him the best. ( Also he said that Lord Tyrion will surpass him in popularity and I agree ).

Then the long wait for the Cockles panel. Nervewracking becasue Nat needed to go take her flight and I was wishing she could at least get a glimpse of them before leaving. Well, we all know how that panel went anyway.

I got out for a couple of minutes to say goodbye with Nat and I wanted to cry becasue she’s the sweetest and I love her and she deserves the best. We didn’t say goodbye but a “see you”, that’s what we hope. 

and ...that’s all folks!

If you have questions, maybe I missed something, ASK AWAY.

for now, this is the post, maybe I’ll edit it when more things came to mind.

[skyechaser]

Silence in Atlas (15/?)

Once more, this is a dark take on Volume 7 from a Bumbleby standpoint. It has scenes of graphic violence. If there are any specific trigger warnings I will specify it. 

I DID IT, GUYS! I’m kinda proud of myself for finishing this jajajaja. Like I said I never upload unless I have finished the FOLLOWING chapter so I had to finish ch16 to publish this one and I pulled and all nighter (it that how it is written?) :P I’ll try to keep uploading at a good pace. My life is kinda cramped and busy right now but there is always time for Bumbleby. Always. NOW ONTO THE CHAPTER! 

------------- 

Blake looked so small lying in her hospital bed. Her eyes were tightly closed and her face spoke of pain. She had bandages on her neck and her wrists. The rest of her body was covered by white hospital bed sheets. She was bruised all over. There were wires coming out of her like roots, connecting her to several medical machines that kept track of her vital signs. The beeping sound of the heart monitor was steady and it gave Yang a sense of peace. Blake was alive.

“We’ll keep her asleep for a couple of days” the doctor said as they walked inside the room. With all of them there it was kinda crowded but he didn’t mind. He’d never had a case like this so regular protocols were pretty much out the window. “It will allow her aura to recuperate and help with the healing”.

They all stared in silence. The sight was heartbreaking. None of them could believe that actually was their friend and teammate. It wasn’t fair. Blake was strong and brave and kind and it made no sense that somebody would do something like this to her. After everything they had gone through, after all the people they had helped this was how Atlas had repaid them.

Thanks for trying to save the world, here’s your broken friend.

Weiss stared at the bed, her eyes wide open in disbelief. She had tried to imagine how Blake would look when they found her, she tried to be ready. She wasn’t. There was nothing that could prepare her for all the thoughts that were racing through her mind. Every single wound and bruise in Blake’s body had been caused by someone on purpose. Someone that thought it was okay to do so. She had been tortured horribly just for being a faunus. What had she gone through? What had she seen?

This was sick.

“Oh, Blake, I’m so sorry” Weiss said, her voice breaking the silence. She took a hand to her mouth and felt her body shake. It didn’t take long for tears to appear. How could this have happened to her friend? The former heiress could not stop thinking about how her family’s heritage was built on the exploitation of the faunus. How many others had gone through this? How many others were never rescued? Ruby hugged her and she let herself break down. The silver eyed girl wanted to cry too, but she had to remain strong for her team. For her friend. For her sister. She looked at the bed and couldn’t help but to wonder if things would ever go back to normal.

Would Blake ever be the same?

No one said anything else. The only sound in the room, besides the machines, were Weiss’ cries. Jaune looked down, feeling useless after failing to help the faunus with his semblance. Nora held onto Ren as she closed her eyes, not wanting to see what was in front of her. He looked up, tears pooling in the corners of his eyes. Oscar didn’t even enter the room, the sight from outside was too much for him. Qrow just wanted a drink to forget for a second all of this had actually happened.

Yang walked towards the bed, pulled up a chair and sat down. This was going to be her place from now on. Until Blake was healed she was going to stay next to her. Whatever it took to bring her back from the darkness. She had rescued her from the mine but she knew right then and there that was just the beginning. She took one of the faunus’ hands in hers and closed her eyes. Blake was here. Blake was alive and that would have to be enough for now.

---------

Yang paced around the room while the scroll made the call. What was she going to say? How could she put into words what had happened? A part of her wanted it to go to voicemail. It would be easier. She could just tell them and be done with it. Have someone else answer if they called back. That would be great, then she wouldn’t have to hear their voices when she broke their hearts. Why were communications being restored just now? She wished silently they would go down again before the call connected.

“Hello” a female voice answered. This was it. Deep breath. No turning back.

“Hi, is this Kali Belladonna?” she asked. Of course it was her. This was her number. How much of an idiot was she?

“Yes, it’s me” the woman answered . She sounded so nice, so happy. How could she be doing this to her?

“Hey, I’m Yang. I’m Blake’s... teammate” she said, choosing no to call her “girlfriend”. That was a complete different talk they would have later. That is if they ever wanted to talk to her again. Back at Mistral she met them very briefly, but she had imagined having a very good relationship with them. She imagined Blake officially introducing her as her as her girlfriend, both of her parents smiling at her, feeling happy they had found each other in the midst of this war. Now that scenario was gone. There was no way it would happen after what she was about to do.  

“Oh, hi, dear” Kali replied. “Is everything okay with Blake?” she asked, her voice taking a concerned tone.

“Could you call your husband, please?” her voice started to break.

“What happened?” she asked again, a crack in her voice.

“Please, I need to tell you both” Yang replied, trying her best no to give away how serious her message was. She failed.

“What’s the matter? What’s happened to my daughter?” the woman said, her voice now clearly altered. When the girl didn’t reply she yelled at her husband. “Ghira!” she called. “Come here, dear!”. Yang felt like choking on her tongue. There was no running away from this. She was going to tell them the truth. She could hear Blake’s dad getting close.

“What is the matter?” the man asked.

“Blake’s teammate is on the phone...Something happened to her” Kali replied. There was a brief  silence before Ghira reacted.

“WHAT?!” he exclaimed. “Is she all right?”. Deep breath. Speak. Say something. Anything.  

“She is out of danger now but… A couple of days after arriving to Atlas, Blake was walking back to the place we are staying in and she…” Yang’s hand started shaking. Just say it. Get it over with. It’s not gonna get any easier. Deep breath. “She was kidnaped. I don’t know if you are familiar with The Traders. They are a group that…”

“THE TRADERS?!” Ghira’s voice interrupted her. “No… Not my Blake. Please. No”

“What’s going on? Who are this people?” Kali asked, clearly not as aware as her husband about the situation.

“What did they do to her?” he asked. Yang wanted to die. She wanted to disappear. She should have walked back home with her.  

“They… They tortured her. They cut her vocal chords and sold her into slavery down in the mines. I was able to get her out but it took eight days to find her and…” she started crying. There was no going back. “I’m sorry. I am so sorry. She’s in the hospital now. She’s getting better but… I just… I’m sorry”

“How could this happen?” Kali said, her voice trembling. “Not my baby, please”.

“We are flying to Atlas right now” Ghira said. Yang knew this would happen and she was afraid of what his reaction would be when she told him they couldn’t.

“I don’t think that will be possible for now. Atlas is in lockdown. Nobody enters. Nobody leaves” she explained. Kali’s cries were the first thing she heard when she stopped talking.

“We’ll find a way” Blake’s father said. “I can’t believe this. How could you all let that happen to her?” there was so much anger in his voice. Yang felt like shit. She wanted Ghira to punch her in the face. She deserved it. How could she let this happen to Blake? If she hadn’t been such a hothead maybe all of this wouldn’t have happened. If she had listened to her and hadn’t lashed out at those racist idiots they wouldn’t have had that fucking argument. Now all she could do was say she was sorry.

“Is she awake?” Kali said, her voice weak.

“Not right now” the blonde replied. “They’ve given her a lot of meds for the pain. They say she needs to sleep a lot so her aura can heal her better. She’s being treated by the best doctors here”.

“Could you call us when she wakes up?” the woman asked.

“I will”

“Okay” Ghira said before finishing the call. Yang remained still, the scroll still pressed against her ear. It was done. Blake’s parents knew what had happened and there was no turning back. She tried to imagine how they felt, knowing their daughter had gone through hell. They had just gotten her back after everything with the White Fang and Adam and now... Yang placed the scroll back in her pocket and sat down on the couch. Deep breath. She covered her face with her hands and tried to control herself from breaking down.

Why did she choose to do this herself?

[wiredandrewired]

Was trying to actually work on something but my brain is stuck on loop.  So instead I’m gonna make a post of the Voltron stuff sitting unposted in my writing WIP folder to help me organize my thoughts.

I guess since I’m posting this, if you have anything you wanna say/ask about any of these feel free.  I respond well to outside interest.

1. Project ReVolt is without a doubt the project I’ve posted about the most here.  And talked about in random tags.  And tangents.  Originally it was just the name the project had in my internal brain filing cabinet but it’s kind of spread and stuck to where my wife and I just refer to it as that when we talk about it.

ReVolt is basically going to be a VLD series rewrite more along the lines of how my wife and I would have done it or at least liked to see it done.  In some places it will probably stick pretty damn close to the events of the series canon, but in others go completely off the deep end.  We’re each going to be doing one, so a lot of the headcanon and worldbuilding and such that we’ve worked out together in various other stories and RPs will be consistent between the two stories, but it will also give us a place to veer out and do things without the others’ input (as we’re not gonna let each other see our fics until they post, tee hee).  I’ve done a SHITPOT of rules and infrastructure work using actual alchemy tracts to try and make sense of the series’ largely Powers As The Plot Demands system,  and am pretty convinced I’m going to A)fall hard into my very common Esoterica Ranting Mode pitfall and B)enrage literally everyone who reads it with my character and plot choices.  Most conservative estimate says this will be six ‘books’ long as again, we’re doing literally the entire series.  Current status: at the ‘ridiculously large amount of notes and setting up actual arcs and outlines’ stage, and waiting for the wife to finish ‘Happier HOPEless’.

2. There Are No Monsters Here is a fic I really want to do but cannot seem to get off the ground, set to take place entirely in the ‘last universe’ from season 8--the one native-Honerva died in and crazed-death-god-Honerva picked out as her ideal and tried to wedge herself into.  I guess the basic idea was that, like the ‘main’ universe, it got rebuilt pretty much as it was prior to Nightmare Mom Ruining Everything, and I have it with no one fully remembering the events of season 8 that took place there, but characters really closely tied to those events having some itching feeling that something happened, and all the Altean alchemists agreeing that some kind of massive quantum Event certainly occurred even if they don’t know what.  

Mostly the story exists as  a place for me to have a canon-compliant AU that still lets me explore stuff like Altean history, the racial and cultural tensions of the Coalition, dink around with Oldadins that DON’T die in one fell swoop, a living Daibazaal and Altea, Lotor growing up with a decent-but-not-without-strains relationship with his dad, teen Allura and tiny Lotor being absolute shits to each other while also coming to terms as they grow up with who and what they MUST be both on a political and quantum scale, and generally prove that even a perfect universe isn’t, all in one place.  The title is entirely facetious, and anyone who’s read any of my alien culture headcanons for this series knows that.  Lol.  Current status: lots of bits and pieces, but no good beginning or connective tissue.   I have a lot of notes, some arc outlines, and a few scattered scenes and bits of dialogue from later in the story, but my god, I CANNOT get it off the ground.

3. Someone Must Get Hurt (But It Won’t Be Me) is supposed to be a pretty wholly Honerva-centric fic that starts...sometime in her youth?...and carries forward to an as-yet-undetermined point.  Probably her death.  I mean the first one.  I’m not sure.  Another chance to dig my fingers into Altean culture and Alchemy, this time leading up to All The Bad Shit That Happened, with the added bonus of being done from a focal point of a character I have a lot of really strong feelings about both positive and negative that’s resulted in me somehow being EVEN MORE wrapped up in her than I was before I added abject knee-jerk trauma hatred to the mix.  In no way meant to make Honerva more sympathetic, I think I just want to write her even more like my mother so I’ll feel EVEN BETTER about killing her?  Idk man my feelings about her are so complicated.  Also an excuse to write a shitpot of her and Zarkon because listen, I’m really glad they’re married because I ship them so fuckin hard.   Current Status: SO many notes.  SO much infrastructure.  Like three pages of an opening I’m almost definitely throwing away because I can’t decide where, when, or how to open but feel like this isn’t it.  One short but very telling scene of Honey and Zarkon from late in the story.  I’m obsessed with it but I can’t get anywhere. 

4. Currently Untitled Demon Hunter AU started because my wife talks to me about Happier HOPEless a LOT and I just got an itch in my bones to work on one myself.  In spite of the entire Demon Hunter AU thing getting started by a prompt on a Shance blog, neither Shiro nor Lance are set to appear for at least a chapter?  And I am not confident in my ability to not veer off into utter non-shipping anyway because man, am I bad at it.  Or like...just an entirely different ship for either or both of them.  Current Status: A lot of vague notes, a POWERFUL urge to structure the chapters and overall arc after Ripley’s Gates even though that limits my chapter count and means I will DEFINITELY have 20k+ word chapters, and about seven pages of the first chapter so I guess I’m committed now?

5. Currently Untitled Post Series Fic basically exists for me to vent my frustrations about two main things: The Universe is Fucking Huge And There Are Dangers Other Than Galra, and The Galra Empire Was Huge and Is Not Going To All Fall In Line Behind Voltron Coalition and Especially Behind Keith Who Just Arbitrarily Fucking Decided To Tell Them They Couldn't Pick A New Leader According To Their Own Traditions And Need To Do What They’re Told Now What The Fuck.  Also there was a lot of stuff in the series that got left hanging, and while ReVolt is an IN-series fix-it fic, I wanted something that patched up loose ends in a way that was satisfactory to me but also kind of canon-compliant.  Current Status: A lot of notes and screaming.  No one has seen my progress on this and they might never.

6. Dog Runs And Death Dreams is a warmup file turned deeply self-indulgent series of scenes in which I choose to assume that Shiro’s rare neuromuscular disorder was left so ambiguous so I could plug the symptoms of mine into it.  It’s genuinely not any deeper than that.  The whole thing is set pre-Kerberos, and includes copious Shiro x Adam content because of it, but also not the kind that makes me feel good about writing because that means it includes the ‘slow fizzle’ that leads up to their breakup before the mission.  Ugh.  Working on it does make me feel better when I've been having symptoms, though, and I’ve been letting myself write it, unchastised, in a really loose rambly way that I usually deride myself for.  It’s just cathartic.  Current Status: no notes, no plan, just strain-writing between seizures, but somehow it feels like it has some kind of structure and just keeps growing?  Possibly too close to the bone for me to ever post.

7. Birth and Rebirth was born out of two things: the fact that Zarkon is shown to have two ENTIRELY DIFFERENT reactions to first being presented with his baby son in different flashbacks and different seasons, and the fact that in spite of the flashbacks we get at the end of the series, earlier on, the impression I got of Lotor and Zarkon’s relationship wasn’t of a young man who had never had affection from his father, but who had instead lost it.  Well, three things: I have a lot of underlying issues at work, at play, and at large when it comes to the Galra Imperial Family.  Also, anyone notice the monitor blips in the first baby Lotor flashbacks indicate a heart murmur?  Anyway, it was supposed to be a thoroughly self-indulgent and thoroughly self-hurtful examination of Lotor’s early life and the death by degrees of what was left of his father in the husk Rift Adventures left behind, but I got stuck on it a little way in.   Current Progress: ten pages, a lot of notes, and some wistfulness.  I keep hoping I’ll get inspired to pick it back up again.  Contemplating rewriting some of the beginning, maybe it’ll help?

Bonus entry that is not actually in any form of progress soever:

50/50 Voltron Trashfire Edition is spawned from the ‘50/50′ challenge on an old TF board I used to haunt.  It’s a fifty-prompt smut challenge using the list of ‘50 reasons to have sex’ from some tv show, and the idea is to write a different ship for every prompt (hence the name).  My wife is blazing through it and has several (like twelve?) up on her AO3, but I’ll be utterly blunt: I haven’t written fifty porn fics in my LIFE.  Over ALL my fandoms.  Current Status: Literally all I have done is assign a ship to each prompt, and I might actually have some prompts with just question marks beside them still.  I have one aborted start to one entry.  That’s it.  It’s not happening.  But the empty file is technically in the folder, SO.

[momo-de-avis]

tell me more about millais and the whole "steal ur wife and have a happy marriage with her lmaoo" and the whole pedo thing??? im intrigued

At the top of my head and very quickly without bothering myself with checking things online cause I’m a bit lazy sorry (though I’ve been over this story for quite a while, I trust my instinct)

When the Pre-Raphaelites appeared, they were the bad boys of London. Reasons:

1) Fucked around, mostly Rossetti

2) Broke academic rules by painting in excruciating and vivid details that weren’t possible with the naked eye (like Holman Hunt painted every single blade of the grass—your eye can’t see it unless you stare closely at it, so academically, that was ugly)

3) Used redheaded women as models. Now, Victorians were absolute fucking lunatics, but the ideal beauty to them was some corpse-looking Morticia Adams. Black hair and pale skin, was top notch. Blonde, blue-eyed beauty came second, probably. What mattered was the pale skin. It was a trend among Victorian women to paint purple and blue veins to look as dead as possible because the frailty of women in a society that told they literally were good for nothing except breeding was the Latest Trend. Redheads, however, were considered cursed. Case in point: the greatest pre-raphaelite muse, Lizzie Siddal: she was not only a red-head, but her skin was also darker than most prefered. Not that she was anything but a white woman, just not white enough to look like you were already flirting with tuberculosis and ready to die fashionably at 40 (though Lizzie was famous for being constantly sick and bedridden. And addicted to Laudanum, like a good Victorian).

4) Basically what gave them the name: PRE-raphaelite. To explain quickly: academic painting privileged the art that resembled Raphael's paintings: harmonious, made of volumes through precise shadowing, mannerist in its style. Line and drawing prevailed above colour. This is linked to formalism so I’m just gonna wrap it up quickly: drawing was considered the intellectual form of art (because in the 16th century people were like ‘oh, astronomy is a science!’ and 'oh, mathematics is a science!’ and people were like, 'well shit, we gotta find a reason to call arts a science too’ and the Renaissance worked that out by explaining that drawing was basically a form of science. Take Da Vinci). The Pre-raphaelites said: fuck that noise, and privileged colour. They used techniques to brighten their paintings (like a layer of white paint applied to the canvas before they applied the preliminary drawing, which made the colours stand out, and then finished it off with wax varnish, which makes it glow. If you ever see a PR painting live, note just how vivid it is. It looks like it’s never gonna wear off, it’s incredible). So with this, they basically said the Royal Academy was a bunch of piss babies who knew jack shit about painting (the accusation of being dumbasses included).

5) …but to be that guy, you had to LIVE the life. So, if you privilege medieval thinking, lifestyle and theology, what you gotta do? BE that medieval knight Victorians thought were oh so Chivalric. Again, famously, Lizzie Siddal is known to be the bad girl of this revival: she refused to wear crinoline and whatever shit the Victorian ladies wore. She wore loose dresses, no corsets and overall dressed like the engravings on Tennyson’s Idylls of the King. She was actually lauded for her commitment like, even Ruskin at one point saw Rossetti as a piss baby rock star wannabe who never finished his shit, but this girl? She committed.

So you see, when these guys popped up, Victorians scowled. BADLY.

But they knew that, to conquer the hearts of promiscuous dandies and hypocritical high-society, laudanum-ridden, arsenic-eating uptight douches and douchesses, they had to get to the loins of one man: most important art critic of his time, single-handedly responsible for elevating William Turner to the True Genius of English Painting: John Ruskin.

Now, just WHO was John Ruskin?

First of all, this little shit was overtly religious. Protestant kind, so you know what you’re in for. This guy studied Turner back and forth, knew everything about him, wrote extensively of his genius and was responsible, as I said, to consecrate him to the memory of British sea painting. Except he purposefully left a bit out, one particular episode of Turner’s life that, to Ruskin’s mind, would ruin his reputation.

Turner was a freak. My man has ENDLESS erotic drawings that go from curious artist look into the Vagina from full-blown pre-victorian porn. And Ruskin kept it all locked away inside his drawer.

The thing was, Ruskin was brought up surrounded by art. This guy looked at Roman statues of women, with their perfectly waxed peepees and toned arms supporting perky breasts and DEAD ASS though this was what women looked like.

So he married Effie Gray, a woman in everything respectable, a prosperous marriage for the good ol’ Victorian lady and dude.

And for the next five years of their marriage proceeded to REFUSE to even touch her.

When the pre-raphaelites pop up, Ruskin attends their very first exhibition and writes them a glowing review. Immediately they go from nut-heads to pop stars. But among them all, it was clear that it was John Everett Millais who was the most talented. So Ruskin took him under his wing.

His first assignment was: paint my portrait. But the pre-raphaelites did something the British academics didn’t: to paint nature, they went outside and painting the motif by looking directly at it. And Ruskin, who praised this mode of making art, had in mind the precise spot he wanted to be painted on: a waterfal or some shit in Scotland, where he owned a cottage.

This cottage was not big. It was actually rather small—you know, in pretending-to-be-a-peasant-is-so-much-fun! victorian fashion. And what does this absolute buffoon does? He invites Millais and his wife Effie in to paint his portrait.

Now I want you to imagine this woman, who has been pushing down 5 years of Horny, putting up with this dude’s shit, enclosed in a tight space with this man—who was older than herself—and incidentally, a handsome looking young fella who paints nicely.

I insist on this thing that Ruskin didn’t touch his wife because he thought women looked like statues because he actually told her. He told her he found her repulsive because—what do you know!!! The peepee’s got some pubic hair! And women menstruate! And like, we’re real fucking things, not Pygmalion's wet dream forged over and over again! She actually wrote a letter to her father detailing this (if you watch the show Desperate Romantics, the scene were Effie confesses this to Millais, the actress is actually reciting this letter word for word).

So when they return to London after the painting is done, they just… Fall in love. I mean, shit, what was she supposed to do?

The face of a man who doesn’t know he’s about to be shit-whipped by his pupil, painted by none other than his protegée, this same pupil.

But remember: no matter what Victorian fangirls say, and whatever that Victorian TV show tries to show you, this society was absolute utter shit for women. Effie Grey presented an annulment proposal to her marriage, and society collapsed on her. She was actually blamed for the fact that Ruskin wouldn’t consummate the marriage. And because she had grown quite close to Millais, she had to prove before the entirety of Victorian society that she was a virgin. Oh, yes. It’s what you’re thinking.

Those open-your-legs-wide-and-let-me-insert-this-not-at-all-friendly-looking-metal-utensil-up--your-private-canal-to-prove-you-are-a-virgin. This, mind you, was back then as utterly humiliating as it sounds now, and to make matters worse, Mr. I-only-fuck-clean-shaven-pussy claimed she was mentally unstable.

Either way: annulment conceded, and she married John Everett Millais. The two went on to a lifelong of fucking and 8 children. Check Millais’ painting Peace Concluded and tell me those two idiots did not die happy together.

I kid you not: until Millais’ death, Effie was socially ostracized. She was even barred from being present in social events where Queen Victoria was, proclaimed by the Queen herself (because remember kids! Victorian society absolutely sucked because it was none other than our favourite imperialist who made it so!) even after she ordered Millais the first Laureate painter. It was only when Millais was dying that in his death bed he BEGGED to lift that stupid shit and she conceded. I just honestly believe Effie didn’t give a shit at this point, because my girl was happy.

So, you ask, what happened to Ruskin?

Don’t think he got off easy lmao. He had his own demise. He wasn’t seen with good eyes after the whole annulment debacle. But of course, being the pissy adult he was, he had to make things worse.

Enter Rose de La Touche.

You see, Rose de la Touche was Ruskin’s pupil. She is, as far as we can tell from his writings, the only woman he ever called attractive and revealed to be attracted to her. When, you ask?

When she was fucking 9 years old, the first time he met her.

He became tutoring her when she was 14. At this point, this ugly ass vulture was way past his 40s. Rose’s parents actually made it worse if my mind doesn’t fail me, but I’m not certain so I won’t address them. Either way, he pretty much groomed her and she grew infatuated with him. He actually made plans to marry her once she turned like, 18 or something, like a good pedo.

The only reason Rose didn’t marry Ruskin? Effie Gray stepped in. Not that she was that interested in what was to happen. The thing was, the reason for the annulment was that Ruskin was impotent, and if he fucked a healthy girl and she got pregnant, she’d be in the shits. But either way, I think it was easy given that he was like 40 years older or some shit. Rose actually declined to marry because she wanted the marriage to be unconsummated, but this time around, ya big Pedo declined! I wonder why was it so easy the first time, and so hard now that he found himself a neat little child to corrupt, right?

At some point, even fucking Rossetti intervened. Now, Rossetti was the rock star of his time: he fucked everything that moved, he got into affairs with the wives of his pupils while Lizzie lingered between life and death at his home, and it took him some 9 years to finally keep his promise to Lizzie and marry her ass. He was the last person you’d expect to say a thing. But you know you’ve fucked up and that you’re a perverted piece of shit when THIS IS THE GUY who steps in to say 'hey, Ruskin, big fan, but you really gotta tone it down cause even I’m not a pedo, pal’.

Now listen: yeah, there’s a lot of speculation about Ruskin’s 'love affair’ with Rose de La Touche. Did he really fall in love with her when she was 9? We don’t know. We don’t care either, because it doesn’t make him any less a fucking pedo. Like, yeah, good art critic, nice theory on the whole Modern Painting book, but this dude had some serious issues.

And there you go

[joohoneyhoe]

Ma’am.

info: park jimin x oc genre: sub!jimin, thigh riding, oral, orgasm denial, bondage, sensory deprivation, edging word count: 3.7k a/n: safewords are important in any relationship that practices these forms of activities, new or old. It is no joking matter and the safety of you and your partner is important. Now, enjoy some smutty sub!Jimin goodness.

[New Message: Chim]

I set my coffee to the side, a sly smile coming to my lips as I swiped open my text messages. I knew he would be texting me soon, especially after what I had done to him this morning.

[8:03 am] Chim: I can’t believe you made me go to rehearsals hard this morning, Alaizabel. 

[8:03 am] Chim: How am I supposed to focus like this?

I put my phone aside, taking my coffee again and deciding to let him stew on my silence for a bit. He had gotten rather mouthy as of late and it was time to teach Park Jimin a lesson in manners. I had let him be dominant for the majority of our sexual encounters in the last few months, pulling out a few power plays here and there, but today was about to change all of that.

And he was going to be in tears by the time I was done with him.

[8:05 am] Chim: Seriously, now you’re going to ignore me?

[8:05 am] Chim: I’m gonna have to jerk off in a bathroom stall before I can even think about practice.

[8:06 am] Chim: There’s no way I can’t.

[8:06 am] Me: Don’t you fucking dare, pretty boy.

And there it was, the name he both dreaded and loved all at once. Once the pet name came out, he knew his sassy attitude was done and over with from that point on. I sipped on my coffee patiently, waiting for his reply. It was taking him a while, so I knew he was calculating his response carefully, or so I hoped.

[8:08 am] Chim: Oh no...

I snickered. So much for calculated.

[8:08 am] Me: ‘Oh no’ is right, pretty boy.

[8:08 am] Me: Touch yourself today at all and you will pay for it.

[8:09 am] Me: In double.

[8:09 am] Chim: Alaizabel...please...

Big mistake.

[8:11 am] Chim: Ma’am! I meant ma’am!

[8:11 am] Chim: Oh god, I’m sorry!

[8:11 am] Chim: I’m gonna die tonight, aren’t I?

[8:13 am] Me: Yup.

[8:15 am] Me: I’ll see you at home, pretty boy.

I was sitting on the couch directly across from my apartment door when I heard the lock turn, clad in only one of Jimin’s white t-shirts as I read a book. I had my legs folded under me, the t-shirt not covering my nether regions, which were entirely bare.

Jimin stepped through the threshold, slowly closing the door behind him. His hand pressed flat against the wooden surface, head hanging low, shoulders slumped slightly. He knew exactly what he was in for tonight and I’m sure he was just preparing himself before facing me.

“How was practice, pretty boy?” 

I questioned, setting my book down beside me as I kept my feet tucked under me and legs open. He slowly turned to face me, hand dropping from the door, shoving it and his other hand into the pockets of his black joggers. I could see the slight erection straining against the soft fabric, knowing it had probably been half hard all day.

“It was...difficult, ma’am.” he answered softly, his dark eyes trailing up until they met my form. Those deep chocolate pools widened immensely when he saw my folds on display to him, his adams apple visibly bobbing as he swallowed.

I got up from my place on the couch, approaching him slowly with a slight sway in my step. I watched his body stiffen, stepping away from me slightly as I came closer. My fingers reached out to run up his bare forearms, goosebumps raising along his skin as I did. I could tell he was afraid to say more, knowing he was already in a world of “trouble”, so to speak.

“Good. That was the whole point. Your mouth has gotten a little out of hand as of late, pretty boy. So, I think it’s time we correct it, don’t you?” I inquired, pressing my lips against the underside of his chin.

“Yes, ma’am.” his voice shook slightly, hands still jammed in his pockets, refusing to touch me without my permission. He had learned his place so quickly, and that would get him far tonight.

“Alright, get to the bedroom then. Take your clothes off when you get there and kneel on the rug in front of the door. I’ll be there soon.” I ordered, dropping my hands from his body and stepping aside.

“Yes, ma’am.”

I watched him walk off towards my bedroom, quickly disappearing behind the door, closing it behind him. I grabbed my book off the couch, taking my time putting it back in it’s place in my overloaded bookshelf. I could quite literally feel myself dripping with arousal already, nearly aching with anticipation. I was ready to make my boy whine and beg for me, because it had been far too long since I had.

I pushed open the door, finding Jimin with his head down, sitting naked on the floor in the middle of the circular black rug just like I had directed him to. The black silk blindfold was already laid out neatly beside him, along with my black jute ropes. 

What a good sub he was being already.

“Look at you, pretty boy, taking initiative and getting all my things out for me.” I gripped his chin, tilting his head up to look him in the eyes. They were practically black now, his cock rock hard between those thick thighs of his. A pearl of precum dripped from the tip onto the rug, making my eyebrow arch in amusement.

“I was mouthy and I want to make it up to you, ma’am.” he explained softly as I took my hand through his hair, making him think I was being gentle. Once I reached the back of his head, I gripped those ash blonde locks and jerked his head back, his lips parting as a groan escaped him.

“Oh, you’ll make it up to me. Don’t you worry your pretty little head about that.”

“Yes, ma’am.” he replied lowly, the veins in his neck beginning to protrude nicely. I loved it when I could see him physically practicing his self restraint. It was my favorite.

“Now, arms behind your back, pretty boy. No hands for you tonight.” I wrapped my fingers around the black ropes, unraveling them before stepping behind his lovely naked form. It was extremely hard not to touch him.

Extremely hard.

Once I finished the two column tie on his wrist, I inspected it to make sure it was tied properly. I didn’t want to actually hurt him in the process. I traced my long nails across his flexed shoulders, his back arching at the sensation. I hugged him around the neck, pressing my lips to the shell of his ear.

“You have your safeword ready, right, pretty boy?” I whispered.

“Yes, ma’am. Peony is still my safe word.” he responded as I felt him flex his fingers before balling them up into a fist again. I kissed along his shoulder, leaning over to grab the silk blindfold at his side.

“Good. Now, say ‘bye bye’ to your sight, Jiminie.” 

Slowly I covered those pretty umber eyes, his mouth making a slight ‘O’ as he lost his vision. Had his hands been free, his fingers would have reached up to touch the fabric. It was something he did every single time I took his sight from him. Which was how I knew he loved every bit of being a sub, probably more than when he would play dom. I liked him either way, but there was just something so satisfying about making him beg for me.

I pulled the long ends of the blindfold back towards the metal bed frame, tying them off around the middle bar tightly. Now he wouldn’t be able to move away from me at all, not unless he wanted to hurt his neck. But, that’s why we had safe words in place.

“My safe word is still Latex, you remember, right?” I quizzed him as I walked back around front. 

“Yes, ma’am. I remember.”

Goddamn, he was beautiful like this. Hands tied behind his back, pushing his rounded pectorals forward, nipples hard and at attention already. His muscular thighs tensed, shaking slightly as he held his position on his knees. The veins in his neck and forearms were fully on display now that his head and hands were in a position he couldn’t get out of.

He was going to be such fun tonight.

“Well you forgot one thing, pretty boy. So, sit tight and I’ll get it.” 

I teased, grabbing the last pair of pants he wore with his favorite black leather belt still in it. He heard the jingle of the metal buckle against the button, his body straightening at the sound, making me grin mischievously. I pulled it from the loops slowly, each one making a snap as they retreated. I let his pants fall to the ground with a thud after the final loop, the change in the pockets rattling against each other, making Jimin jump slightly.

“You ready, pretty boy?” I asked clearly, standing over him, his head tilting back to face me, even though he couldn’t see me. That small action on his part made my chest bloom with warmth for him, but not enough to halt my fun.

“Yes, ma’am. Whatever you want to do to me, I’ll take.” he told me, his chest rising and falling fairly quickly already. My toes nudged the inside of his knee, tapping on it.

“That’s my boy. Now, spread those pretty thighs as wide as you can, baby. This is part one of your punishment.” 

He instantly did as he was told, his muscles flexing as he held them open. It was a difficult position for him, considering he had no way to brace himself. He had to rely on simply his leg and core muscles. The head of his rigid cock rested against the rug, leaving a stain that would quite possibly never come out.

Good thing this was exactly what I had bought it for.

I crouched down, left hand shooting out to grab his throat, startling him. While he was surprised, I brought the belt down hard on his inner thigh, a large welt immediately forming on the spot. I watched him bite down hard on his bottom lip, but keeping his composure. I swiftly brought it down again, in almost the exact same place. This time, a hiss passed between his clenched teeth, making me grin.

I let go of my hold on his neck, switching the belt in my hands and swinging down hard on the opposite thigh. He hissed again, still maintaining his demeanor as best as he could. I did it one more time, this time watching between his legs instead. His dick twitched as the belt made contact with his skin, beads of precum leaking out even more than before.

The boy liked pain.

I tossed the belt away, the slight bruising on his inner thighs already telling me that was enough of that. It clanked against the wall, a sigh of relief leaving those round lips of his as he heard the noise. I ran my hands over the welts soothingly, leaning down to kiss each one carefully, his thighs twitching underneath me. I gently pushed his legs closer together, letting him sit back on his heels again as I brought my lips up to his ear.

“Are you doing okay, pretty boy?” I probbed, kissing his cheek before trailing down his neck. 

“I’m more than okay, ma’am. I want you to keep going, if that’s what you want of course.” he knew just how to talk to me when he was subbing, words like that making me want to untie him and let him have me. But, not tonight.

“Of course I do. You haven’t cried yet.” 

He swallowed hard at my words, neck muscles tightening, a flick of satisfaction shooting to my core. I quickly decided to discard my one article of clothing, throwing it behind me to land wherever it wished. I forced one of my thighs between his as I straddled it, my right hand coming down to take hold of his length. His breath caught in his chest at the contact, making him jerk his head forward, tugging against the blindfold.

Languidly I began to stroke him, rocking my core against his ridiculously hard thigh as I did, spreading my fluids along his smooth flesh. He let out a loud groan at all of the skin to skin contact he was so suddenly receiving, his mouth open as he breathed heavily. I twisted my wrist around his reddened tip, focusing there and only there as I rubbed against his thigh. His essence coated my palm, making my movements smooth and fluid.

I moved down the shaft slowly until my fingers reached his pubic bone, fingers snaking under him to take hold of his balls briefly. He gasped loudly, head flinging back at the surprise groping. I slowly went back to the head, moving even quicker this time as I stopped relieving the ache in my core against him. He panted and moaned, tell tale signs that he was close. 

Just as his chest and neck started to become red, I took my hand away. He let out a loud whine of complaint, but I took hold of his hips and immediately enclosed one of his nipples between my lips. He struggled against the ties at his wrist, his immediate reaction being to reach for my hair as my tongue rolled over his areola. I brought my other hand up as I continued my ministrations, flicking his free nipple with my index finger, granting me another high pitched whine that stirred the ache between my legs further.

I pulled away entirely, taking away all physical contact from him. Instead, I grabbed is length again, getting down on my stomach in front of him. I took him into the hot caverns of my mouth, tongue running along the vein on the underside of his cock before sucking on the head. I moved my hand underneath him, gentle massaging his balls in my hand as I blew him. 

He was desperately trying not to fight against his restraints, but he still did. I could hear the metal of the bed frame shaking, low whines coming from his throat as his pectorals tensed. I felt his balls tighten in my palm and I hastily removed myself from his length with a loud pop, a groan of complaint leaving him for a second time tonight.

“Had enough?” I snarled, bracing my palms on his thighs.

“Never, ma’am.” he spoke my title through his teeth with spite, hands jerking against those ties again. He was getting desperate, I could see it and feel it all over him already.

I took him into my hand again, stroking him faster this time. His head fell back, causing there to be slack on his blindfold now, giving his neck a slight break. He panted wildly, his body relaxing a little as he came closer and closer to his euphoria. But, just as he was about to blow his load, I jerked away again, letting out a chuckle.

This time he cried out loudly, his neck getting red in frustration. I watched a single tear roll down his beautiful face. That was what I had been waiting for, but it wasn’t enough just yet. 

I went back to work on him, bringing him right to the edge three more times, actual tears were streaming out from under that silky blindfold now. When I pulled away the final time, he choked out a sob, his head swaying back and forth against the tension. I stroked his face soothingly, kissing away those tears I had worked so hard to bring out of him.

“Do you want to use your safeword, pretty boy?” he growled loudly at me in response, baring his teeth in frustration. I quickly stood up and gripped his jaw, forcing his head back as I looked down at the fucked out man beneath me.

“Is that how you talk to me?” I barked, nails digging into his skin harshly.

“No, ma’am. It isn’t.” his voice shook, his breathing coming out in heavy burst as he tried relaxing his body again. He had to be painfully hard at this point, it had been almost an hour since we started. I know I was just aching for my release. I couldn’t imagine how he felt.

I sat down on his lap, grabbing his dick in my hand and bringing it between us, nestling it between my folds. I braced myself on is shoulders, undulating my hips and letting his hard cock rub against my clit. He let out a satisfied hum in response, trying to pull his arms forward once again to try and touch me.

“You’re really having a hard time with those ties tonight, aren’t you, pretty boy?” I said quietly against his lips, pulling away as he tried chasing after them. I had yet to even kiss him tonight, and I knew he was dying to taste me.

“Y-yes, ma’am. I want to touch you so badly.” he explained, his tone high pitched and desperate. I continued grinding against him, already able to tell it was bringing him close once again. His breathing hitched and I jumped off of him, stopping his release for the seventh time that night.

He whimpered this time, head lolling back as he began to sob. His body shaking as it was denied it’s climax again, struggling to handle anymore. I decided he had learned his lesson finally and carefully took off his blindfold.

Those dark eyes squinted against even the dim bedroom light, having been in darkness for so long. His cheeks were raw and tear stained, lips puffy from being bitten down on so many times to hold back his complaints. He was a beautiful, fucked out, absolute mess beneath me.

“You did good, pretty boy. How about I untie you and ride you now?” I suggested, stroking his face before leaning down and planting a kiss to those perfect lips. He sighed into it, happy to finally get some physical affection from me for the first time all night.

I reluctantly pulled away, stepping behind him to untie the jute rope. Once he was free, he fell forward onto his hands and knees, giving his thighs a much needed rest. I traced my fingernail up is spine, his body immediately responding to my touch by tensing. 

I came around front of him finally, putting my foot on his shoulder and slowly directing him to sit up on his knees again. I gave him a slight push, signalling him to sit down and rest against the footboard. He did so, his head leaning back against the metal, cock resting against his stomach, all red and weeping. I came down and sat on his lap, his hands pressed against the floor, waiting for my permission.

“Do you want to touch me?” 

“Please. Please, it’s all I’ve wanted all night, ma’am.” he confessed, his voice soft and low as he looked at me with those big brown eyes. I took his face into my hands, kissing him fiercely, my tongue pushing past his parted lips. After I pulled away, I continued to hold his face, thumbs stroking his damp cheeks.

“No more ma’am, just Alaizabel now. And you can touch me all you want.” I told him with a smile. “Oh, thank fucking God.” he wrapped his arms around my waist, pulling me into him and kissing me roughly. His fingers quickly made their way down the curve of my ass, grabbing a handful and squeezing, making me moan into his mouth.

I took his length in my hand for the last time, lined him up and sunk down onto him without hesitation. His head flew back, banging against the metal bar as he let out a loud high pitched whine. I rocked against him, my clit getting friction from rubbing against his pubic bone as I pressed my body down onto him. His hands slid up my back, feeling all the skin he had been deprived of earlier as I began bouncing up and down on his dick.

He knew he wouldn’t last long after over and hour of edging and teasing, so his hand came around front, fingers easily finding my swollen nerves and rubbing with expert precision. I let my head toss back, hands gripping his hair now as he met my movements with his own thrust. My stomach tightened, my core throbbing as his nimble fingers worked me over so well.

“Oh-fuck, Jimin!” I nearly screamed, collapsing into him, teeth clamping down on the juncture between his neck and shoulder as I felt myself unravel. He kept circling his fingers, my cunt tightening it’s hold on his cock as my climax hit me wave after wave. 

My own release quickly coaxed his out, his release coating my still pulsing walls, leaking out between us and dripping down our thighs. He gave me a few more hard thrust before collapsing against the bed entirely, with me still on top of him. Sweat covered our skin, the smell of sex filling the small room as we sat there regaining our breath.

“You did good tonight, Jiminie” I complimented him, resting my head against his shoulder, feeling myself becoming overly tired. I couldn’t even imagine how he was feeling right now. I had put him through the ringer tonight.

“Good. All I ever want is to make you happy, Alaizabel.” he replied, cradding my head in his hand and placing a kiss to my forehead. I smiled into his skin, hugging him around his slim waist lovingly.

“Were you just being stubborn, or did you really not need to use your safe word tonight?” I questioned a few minutes later, pulling away so I could look at him. A sly smirk crawled across his lips as he stared at me, eyes lighting up.

“I didn’t need it or want to use it. I think you can probably do better too.” my eyebrow quirked at the challenge, lip getting caught between my teeth as I met his gaze.

“Well then, I guess we’ll just have to find out. Won’t we, pretty boy?”

[renegadesrpg]

Rekindled, Part 3: Flirtation. Zav and Truely

Truely: This is Truely, how may I help you today?

 Zav: -*my heart jumps in my chest at the sound of her voice again, but through years of discipline I keep my voice casual,*

 Hey, Truely, this is Zav. I just thought I reach out and make sure you got back to Pasco ok.

  Truely: Zav *I whisper through the phone. His voice a sudden relief to my soul*. You're alright? I heard about the explosion and was so worried.

  Zav: Yeah, I'm fine. We were packing up to take care of some family business when you came in, remember? We'd already left. I'm figuring it was a gas main or something. Shops a total loss. I'm going to have to relocate when I get back in the country. -*teasing a little, but really, I want to know if she's open to me being closer by.* Thinking about the West Coast. Any suggestions as to location?

  Truely: *I release another breath and enjoy the shiver that runs up my spine at his deep voice* Well, not to sound pushy *or needy* this area could use a shop like yours. There isn't one for about 60 miles and the tourists we get quite often ask if there is a shop in town.

  Zav: *The smile on my face just gets bigger at that. She was worried about me, it had been in her voice, and now she wanted me close by. She feels it, feels the connection. Man, if I get out of this fight in one piece, life is looking up.*

 Does it now?  *teasing her mildly* I might need a "relocation incentive", though? Do you think the town council there would come through with something like a daily supply of fresh baked goods? An artist has to keep his energy up.

  Truely: *lets the giggle out* Oh I'm sure that could be arranged.

  Zav: It could, huh?  *Gods, she's cute with that little giggle.* They'd have to be pretty special. Something *purrs suggestively* just for me.

  Truely: Well as I recall Mr. Adams I already owe you plenty of goodies. I'm sure a few more would not be a hardship to do. In fact, I'm sure it'd be a ...pleasure *purring that last word*

Zav: *I’m outright grinning now. She's flirting back with me. And parts of my body besides my brain are responding to it. I'd have thought I'd lost too much grace for that, but I guess, with this woman, this soul, I'd have to be dead not to respond in /all/ ways to her.*

 "A pleasure?"  Now that I think about it, I bet a lot of "pleasures" can be had in that shop of yours. But I'd want one to be special only for me.

  Truely: Ahhh you want a treat named for you? Perhaps a sweet muffin, untouc---*coughs to cover stray thought that escaped my lips* untried by others? *gods who am I? I've never, ever flirted nor been the flirty type but he brings something possessive and thrilling out in me*

  Zav: *I almost choke as she stops just short of finishing "untouched". In this age it didn't seem possible. It wouldn't matter to me but it seemed like another sign the Fates had meant us to meet.*

 I'd definitely want it ...sweet. And as much as I like apples, maybe it should be... -- seductively --peach.

  Truely: Or cherry. One plump, juicy, and bright. The other juicy, rosy, and has a subtle 'pop' when poked.

 Zav: *My mouth goes dry even as my body groin aches and my cock turns to steel. Bloody hell, I already love this woman! She's giving me the hard-on to beat all hard-on's with her teases. My voice, already deep, goes to gravel with the desire need sweeping through me.*

 I think I ne...wa... *clearing my throat,* would like both. Just for me.

  Truely: I have just the recipe to satisfy your ne...liking. It's a peach, cherry muffin that I've been saving for a while. I think I'll name it the Heated Desire muffin.

 Zav: And serve it warm...very warm. I can imagine smearing whipped cream all over it and licking it off before I...ate it.

  Truely: Oh I have a cinnamon cream that's to die for. I can put that on top.

  Zav: *Unconsciously my hand creeps down to the rigid length straining against my black leather pants and I barely suppress a groan as I realize I can't do a damn thing to ease the ache with Bryn only a few feet away, even if she is keeping her back to me.*

 I think I can imagine just how that will taste.  *Licking my lips, imagining for a moment I'm tasting that sweet cinnamon cream...damn, I'm going to lose it if I’m not careful.*

 I think I can manage to be up that way fairly soon to taste this delicious....muffin. In fact, I can't wait.

  Truely: Oh good. I'll make sure they are fresh from the oven. Warm, tasty, melt in your mouth, but with just a hint of spice.

  Zav:  *Fuck woman, you are killing me.*

 Since you're plying me with incentives here, maybe you could look around and see if there are any likely places for my shop. We could look at them when I come....visit.

  Truely: That can…can be arranged as well. I happen to know the local realtors.

  Zav: *Grinning, knowing from her stutter I was getting to her as bad as she was getting to me.*

 Someplace with some good natural light. And a private office. Very private. Sometimes I might want to lock the door and.... lay down for a while.

  Truly: A private office sounds very needed. One must always have a space for laying...down.

  Zav: Of course, I'll need a place to live when I move there. If the shop had an upstairs apartment, that could work. Or maybe you could suggest somewhere. *grins to myself because I /know/ where I plan to spend every night. And morning. And any time I didn't have to 'working'.

  Truely: There are several places that have above shop apartments. I, myself, live above my shop. And there is a second room that you’d be welcome to use until your place is secured.

  Zav: *Fuck me baby, if I move in, I am never moving out....*

 That's very generous of you Truely. In fact, I bet you are very ...generous... in everything you do.

  Truely: *chuckles* I do try to be generous. I've found that generosity leads to many desirable opportunities.

  Zav: *Jesus, I am not going to live through this conversation...*

 And do you have many ...desirable... opportunities, Truely Goode?

  Truely:  I believe one has thrust itself into my world recently. It's an opportunity that seems meant to be.

  Zav: *Stifling a groan as my hips shift involuntarily...if Bryn hears it she'll think somethings wrong and she'll come over here and some things will be impossible to hide. Even a damned blanket materialized over me would look like a tent.*

 Then you should definitely take every opportunity to let the benefits penetrate your world.

  Truely: Penetration is welcomed in my world of opportunities. I also think that you will need to 'dive' into the opportunity the...wet walls...of the ocean provide when you come.

  Zav: *Finally, I can't take it any longer. I burst out into laughter.*

 Woman, you are going to kill me.

  Truely: *Answers in an innocent tone* I don't know what you mean.

  Zav: *It comes out a possessive growl that I can't help.*

 Then I'll just have to show you. Over and over again. You may have to take a few days off of work just to recover from the initial "opportunity”. But I do think it will develop into a very beneficial coupling.

  Truely: *Sucks in an audible breath. Voice coming out a choked whisper*

 Well, I do have some vacation days I could take to ensure the penetration of this opportunity is completed err fulfilled. A coupling um sounds *quick breath* potent.

  Zav: Yes, I foresee quite an explosive venture. And one that will result in a long-term joint venture.

  Truely: A joint venture sounds achingly desired.

  Zav: *Groaning aloud this time, not caring if Bryn hears it and yes, she does but all I get is a look thrown over her shoulder with a stifled chortle.*

 Truely, I promise you this joint venture will both take care of all those aches and keep creating more. Woman, I don't know if I can wait. I've got some stuff I have to do but if I can get away for a few days, I might just have to come up and get this venture in the works.

  Truely: I'll be open for you whenever you come.

  Zav: *Laughing ruefully,* I'll try to give you some notice. Maybe. But.... *seeing Bryn tap her wrist at me, telling me I need to get off the phone and rest so my body can heal,* I need to go for now. Can I call again?

  Truely: I would like that very much Zav.

  Zav: *Smiling,* you’ve got my number now, so if anything happens, or if you just want to hear my voice... *laughing, because I know I'm gonna want to hear hers,* Call. But I can promise you'll be hearing from me again Truely Goode. Very soon.

  Truely: I'll hold you to that Zav Adams.*smiles as I hang up, very slowly*

  Zav: Goodnight Truely. I'll see you in my dreams.

*Still smiling, I end the call and let the hand with the phone fall to my side. Normally, I'd just enter a meditative state to let my body rest, but right now I think I /will/ let myself sleep. Just so I really can see her in my dreams.*

 #TBC

[hankeliza]

Hate to be cliche, but here goes.

This decade has been some shit. 2010. Best year of my life. I’m 17, I have my soul mate and best friend every single day of my life. No bills and making way too much money. I got the love of my life, Rome. I am so cool in my mind and just life was fucking GREAT. I met corbin that year and I was legit in absolute bliss.

Feb 2012 my best friend moves to fl and that was so great but I am in absolute shambles. I am lost I am unhappy. This is where it all goes wrong and only now, 8 years later do I realize the codependency issues I had with jenna. I fucking loved that chick from the depths of my goddamn soul, we could speak and make decisions and plans with just locking eyes for a blink of a second. So bc I am sad, lost and unable to make sense of my selfish and immature feelings, I take it out on her and a whole slough of klonopin. Corbin and I are doing bad and this is when it should’ve ended.

April 2012 (hah time is funny af) I do some shady shit, but not to the magnitude it was portrayed. Life moves on and I get back with corbin. This is my new person to rely on. I need him bc he stuck thru it with me and gained my whole hearted trust that he loves me, even when ugly and I love him through all of his ugly. We are ugly and we are in love and nothing in the world matters to me anymore besides him.

Oct 2012 I finally am ready to move outta stc. But corbins with me. I beg and beg and beg to please go to Tampa but nah, we go to Miami. It’ll be easier, Adam will take us in. He still is this big mature, always with it guy, I don’t know him, that’s why. We get there, nothing much to even talk about. Great times but eh. Leavin it at that. Shit happens and we get out of dodge like some fuckin thief’s in the night. Drive two days to portland. I won’t get into all the beautiful shit I saw bc that’ll take too long but, here we are.

I live with a naked hippie that is actually psychotic and oh, later on turns out she’s making us pay for a house SHE IS SQUATTING IN. But anyway, things happened (again adam) and we move to the city city. Won’t even get in to the shit that transpired there, but now I’m moving back home.

Feb 2013 (wow really seeing some timelines matching up of my most unpleasant times of my life?!¿¡) so I’m back home. I don’t sleep, I don’t eat. I think I weighed 110 while standing 5’8. My dads on parole, only time I see sunlight is when he needs to meet with his PO. Nicole nurtures me and literally does everything in her power to make me be better, but I am not ready to feel happiness or bond with any other human. I am not ready to move on or up or out. I am stuck. Corbin moves home. Ahhh yes. My safety blanket is back and I can be happy again (hahahah)

So in the meantime while I was sad Nicole and I are partying, late nights to meijer and rite aid, getting high and snacks and shit is just fucking awesome. She meets the love of her life and he takes her and even me in to his whole friend crowd and I am HAPPY and feel bliss again. I have friends? Imagine that. They fall madly in love and then heh, they move. Well shit. Now mind you I have totally capability to see them whenever I please bc Nicole is an open door policy. But truly I’m lazy, I like convenience and still wrapped up in my own stupid bitchass, (that I can now see, but then couldn’t) and it’s back to corbin and I.

So now it’s getting close to end of 2013 and all I pretty much do is spend every waking moment with corbin. I don’t mean to make that sound so awful, then I loved it. Now, it’s all so bleak.

2014 hits. I’m in and out of jobs. Corbin and I live off of pop can returns. I’m still 21 so like, none of that mattered and I didn’t care about a future. He gets a job and I finally get into the courthouse. We start doing ~molly~ heavy. Locking ourselves in a bedroom from Friday-Sunday. Every weekend. When you hear “ecstasy/drugs ruined my sex life” from older people, you don’t really know what to make of that. When I tell you drugs ruined our sex life and our likeness for each other, now I fucking get it. I stopped smoking weed 24/7 bc I was paranoid of losing my job. Not much more to that year or 2015 than chemical pills and being locked in a room and outdoor adventures with my dog.

2016, I finally convince corbin to {for the love of god} attempt to get his license back (which he did, and then ruined again, but that comes later) so we’re really making moves, honestly for us we were doing shit. We had a marker board calendar AND meeting our goals/deadlines !!! His dad gets oxys, and we’ve been borrowing his Vicodin for idk, a year or 3 at this point. This is kinda when things get fuzzy. But oxys come and got damn do they feel good. But only recreational. It wasn’t serious then.

Corbin gets prescribed adderall. Not much more we need to dive in to with that jazz but oxys and addies were all we ate until about the end of 2017. Pills are gone. Let’s fucking driiiiink.

2018

So I developed an alcohol issue at this point. Still battling it to this day. But I don’t really remember much. Did some cool shit, went to Europe. Met a girl that I’ve never loved kissing more. She was nuts. I moved out of our apartment we got together and back home, re-up w/ Rickey, we have fun. He cheats on me with the girl he got pregnant and neglected (they’re engaged now, congrats guys) I’m completely broken and alone because at this point i have managed to push every waking soul away from me and experience the weirdest fucking shit ever that I can only explain as spiritual, or maybe it was satanic. It burned and hurt and scared the ballsacks out of me. Can’t kill your self if you’re a pussy, turns out.

I spent this whole year trying to find friends, wrong crowd. I developed a relationship with a coworker who still to this day has my heart and soul and I love him and will always hope the best. He is the greatest comfort I had but it was only ever from 5pm - until we finished having drinks and sex and then back to being alone. I even confessed my confused love for him and he set me straight. He showed me more about being strong than anyone ever. I love you D.

The end of September I finally meet up with a dude I can’t take my damn eyeballs off for years. I finally mustered up the courage after making excuses for about 2 weeks why I couldnt meet up with him. So I come over. It’s raining so hard. I couldn’t find his house. I just wanted the god damn dick, and go home. He didn’t let that happen.

We see one another mainly every single day except Wednesday’s because he has plans that day every week. I tried my hardest to ghost him multiple times but he didn’t let that happen either. We are both drinking a lot because we are both sad but our company really really reaaaally made up for the sadness. He is the funniest person I’ve ever met and I think he thought that about me too.

November 21st comes and he is being weird and I am constantly nervous around him so I get weird bc I think I did something or he’s gonna tell me to go home, I didn’t know. He finally says he wants to be my man, like full time man. I have a bf? I don’t want one but something about you is fckin freaky you beautiful boy. Everything is coming together.

And here we go: December 21. 1 month is all it took to mess it up.

Leaving my work party, ironically after getting all of my drinks bought for me :) , I go to jail. Jail was not as bad as I expected. I was a good criminal so I got to sit in a different room w/ a tv until shift change. Oh and ! my high school classmate was a worker there so that was neat ! (jesuschrist) anyway; dont have Laynes number memorized, my family and I just watched my grandpa die, gasping for air 10 day prior. Can’t call my mom. Scared to call my dad (who was the nicest of anyone) soooooo corbin it is. I dealt with his jail problems time after time so, his turn I guess.

Welp it’s 2019. Not much to say. Layne stuck through all of it with me and I have no fucking clue why. Got a therapist. Stopped drinking whiskey completely. Bought a vacuum and couch. Live with my way too supportive boyfriend. My family fucking loves him. I am .... growing ? stronger ? mentally ? as every day passes ? because of him ? He teaches me so much about moving on, life and just thinking before doing. Life ain’t that serious. I love you Layne. I completely do. I started alcohol classes and I went in with such a shitty attitude, like I’m better than everyone? (Been my issue for, forever) I fucking love my group sessions. I am for once not alone with the unpopular shit I struggle with. Addiction is so real and I always thought it was a stupid ass excuse for being lazy but hahhhhhh karma loves me.

I’ve been struggling so hard with jenna. I have talked to a handful of people and most have said it’s been blown out of proportion but, don’t hurt your friends. I finally fucking wrapped it up when I got ahold of her, tried to anyway, before Christmas. I explained a lot, now that I’ve had years to sit back and reflect on myself and my bullshit and I can’t blame her (side bar: she still didn’t care lol.) But I am fuckin over it. My feelings got hurt to absolute fuck about some things and instead of being mature, I fucked her over, because I felt fucked over. But I’m sorry, I did that, I take responsibility and best wishes forever but an anvil weight has finally been lifted off my chest and I feel like I can finally move the fuck on and it’s such a great feeling to get rid of something that’s been eating me alive.

So basically, the last two years ate me the fuck alive. This year I meditated on shit. We will see how 2020 goes but I am ready considering what I’ve done to myself, been through and I still am fucking alive and trying. Being a human is dumb but it’s aight sometimes. Getting better. Good luck y’all.

[daetur]

The Calm Before the Storm (Dyrihm Personal Event Log, Part 6)

After a few weeks of quiet from Solis, Trevarde, and the Ebon Blade, the Charnel Corps are called to retrieve a Vrykul artifact- the Torch of Bryndaor, an item that tears the soul from the one who touches it, allowing them to trade places with someone already passed into the Shadowlands.

Dyrihm sets another faction on his scent as he destroys the artifact to save Rey and Reya- and the Corps covers for him. Left to wait, now, until either the Blade or the Forsaken make another move, Dyrihm is paid a visit by Nob, who intends to check in.

Dyrihm is packing away a large bag of feed, dressed down to his shirtsleeves as he works in the yard- seems he just finished tending to the one living member of his household, that white kodo he got around Winter Veil. Oddly, he seems... at ease.

Jackdaw forces himself visible before approaching.  His cowl is absent entirely, and his lank reddish hair looks... recently washed? In fact, his armor is spotless. He crams his thumbs under his belt and looks a bit awkward as he walks up.

Dyrihm turns, spotting movement. "Nob! You- you're looking remarkably well." He smiles, then falters, peering more carefully. "How are, uh, the spiders?"

Jackdaw holds up the afflicted hand, waggles his fingers in a longsuffering sort of way.  "Wore out sometime last night.  Was gettin' real inconvenient there, I sure don't miss 'em any."

Dyrihm chuckles, seeming relieved. "Oh, good. That really... put a damper on your whole stealth thing. And, you know, lots of unwelcome guests." He gives small shudder. "How're Rey and Reya holding up? And Varun?"

Jackdaw grimaces delicately. "It's bad enough that I ain't sure either of 'em would want me spreadin' it around."

Dyrihm 's face falls, ease turning to a bit of sorrow. "Ah," he says. "I- I'm sorry to hear." He sighs. "I've put Varun in a bad position, but I just... thought it better me than him. At least he doesn't have to fear for himself, you know?"

[Jackdaw]: It... it spared him havin' ta make that CHOICE.  I'm... look, I came over here ta thank ya for it.  Fer both of 'em.  

Jackdaw absently pushes distressingly floofy hair out of the way of an eyesocket.  "I went Underneath lookin' fer 'im when i happened, an' I had ta piece t'gether what you done from how everybody gone on after. I- I wish I woulda thought of it myself.

Dyrihm smiles, not totally able to dispel the sorrow around the corners of his mouth- but it's genuine. "Thanks, Nob. It was an easy choice for me. That's why I made it-" He waves a hand. "You've got enough tallies against you from the City. So does Frost, with his rampages, as ready as he was to stomp the thing into the ground. I'm just glad I was able to help."

[Dyrihm]: Still... haven't talked to Maul, though. That's probably not going to be pretty.

Jackdaw shakes his head unhappily.  "Dyr, ya already got this shit with the Blade- ya oughta be able t' count on the City at least backin' ya up.  I- I'm more grateful than you know that it got done, but Light, the kinda squeeze this puts ya in- shit, ALL of us."

Jackdaw glances around suddenly, paranoid, and stops himself.

Dyrihm nods, and beckons Nob inside, down the courtyard hatch into his small seating room. "Rey's checked inside for anything that could listen in," he explains.

Jackdaw follows inside, looking relieved at that news.  "Fuckin' good.  Shit, sorry, got myself worked up..."

Dyrihm waves a hand. "I'm- I'm not as cautious as I should, be, much of the time." He laughs. "Guess that's kind of what's gotten me into so much trouble lately. Been forgetting all my old precautions." The Knight shrugs. "Anyway- Honestly, I'm counting on the Blade shit to help me in this case. I haven't heard anything lately, and I don't know if that's good or bad news, but- if things go poorly with them, Rey's been very clear about coming to my assistance with whatever help he can get. From there, I can probably fake a permanent disappearance to the Forsaken- and, if the Forsaken take me before the Blade does, well, if we can make the Blade want me bad enough, they've already broken one Knight out under Sylvanas's nose."

Jackdaw looks, probably understandably, less than pleased with that breakdown.

[Jackdaw]: So basically yer countin' on the rock an' the hard place fightin' over ya, and not crushin' ya between while they have a go.  Dyr... Lightssake.

Dyrihm nods. "That's about it, yeah." He crosses his arms. "Let's face it, Nob, I'm- I'm probably fucked. It's a matter of time. But this way, at least some good can come of it."

Dyrihm pats his chest. "And... Rey's been helping me prepare for the worst."

[Jackdaw]: He- he has?

Jackdaw doesn't know what to think of that- he's confused, glad, and worried all at once.

Dyrihm scratches the back of his neck. "Well, he's been talking with this Knight Solis, the one Trevarde answers to. I guess he... taught him how to use shadows to torture through fear and doubt, like Rey does. More effective for what Solis wants, but it... it'll buy more time for me to be rescued. And he's worked with me on... resisting it."

Jackdaw looks wounded. "He- Dyr- FUCK!"

Dyrihm flashes a sharp grin, and looks.... proud. "Turns out I can fight Rey's tricks pretty well. It's a good start."

Jackdaw honestly looks a bit scared.  "Fuck, Dyr, ain't you still havin'... fuck, you said once, how after fightin' that one time in Northrend, you was- somethin' was unstable."

Jackdaw points at himself. "This is what ya get when ya go lettin' power-mad fucks crack at yer soul, Dyr!"

Dyrihm nods. He can't deny that. "Yeah, that's... far as I know, still a problem. Thor'del said it might improve with time, but... If I want to die bad enough, my soul'll fuck right off." He taps his chest again. "And, hey! I'm taking precautions! Rey gave me a little something to help. Some of his shadows, piggybacking on my soul, but... nice, instead of full of fear."

Jackdaw makes a frustrated noise and stares at Dyr, chewing a ghostly lip that Dyrihm can't see. "Fuck.  Well.  It's all moot anyway. They ain't gonna have ya.  An' we're gonna keep this other shit quiet."

Dyrihm smiles. "That's the hope!" He looks at Nob- grateful, catching his gaze- and clears his throat. "I'm really glad you all have my back. Honestly. And I'd do the same."

[Jackdaw]: Shit, Dyr, I know ya would.  Think about every one of us knows ya would.  S'why it makes this easy.

Jackdaw sighs. "Was jes on my way ta find Hattie an' Som, though."

Dyrihm 's smile falters. "They... do worry me, a little. Hattie's so new, and Som- well, I don't know either of them well. They've no reason to stick their necks out for me."

Jackdaw nods.  "I ain't sure Hattie really.. understands. She's a smart one though, if a bit off kilter- I figure, I talk with 'er, she'll get it."

[Jackdaw]: Som was bein' a curt little shit about it though.

Jackdaw makes a slightly dangerous face, something sharp behind his disgust.

Dyrihm frowns. "Yeah, Som... I'm not sure how to read him. The living-" he sighs. "Things are always hard with them."

Jackdaw rolls a shoulder. "Yeah, well... if he has a problem with it, I'll take care've it."

Dyrihm blinks. "I- thanks. I mean, I don't want the poor guy dead or anything, but... he doesn't owe me shit. You've probably got a better chance at getting him to come around."

[Dyrihm]: Speaking of taking care of things, though- Frost and Dahl seemed pretty adamant about trying to get some answers out of Trevarde tonight. You want me to comm you when they're going after him?

Jackdaw perks up a bit. "Shit- yeah, 'course."

Dyrihm grins. "Good. I'll feel better knowing you'll have their backs from the shadows."

Jackdaw rasps, "Surprised you ain't goin', t'be honest.  If it were me, an' some old mate've MINE..."

Dyrihm grimaces. "Maul FORBID me from speaking with him," he grumbles. "And I figure now's not the time to stop on his toes. I've pushed my luck enough."

Jackdaw winces. "Shit- yeah.  Aww, fuck, I... been on his bad side enough times t'know."

Dyrihm gives Nob a sympathetic smile. "I think I can get away with a lot with him, but- I trust you guys to figure out what's going on. He's been quiet lately, haven't heard about any new letters."

[Jackdaw]: Dyr- who was this guy t'you, anyway?  I seen he was in yer unit an', all, but... bloody hell, what'd make a man turn like that?

Dyrihm sighs. "He was- a friend. Like any of you, I guess. He was our mender, and I... I wish I knew. That's what I'd like you all to find out, because, frankly, it's been FUCKING KILLING ME." He sighs again, at the end of the frustrated outburst. "But, no, Maul doesn't give a shit about WHY," he mutters.

Jackdaw hesitantly puts a hand on Dyr's upper arm, bracing.  Hey there buddy, it's all right.  "Sorry, mate."

Dyrihm drags a hand over his face, glancing at Nob. He leans into the touch ever so slightly, and does seem to calm. "Sorry, I just- I keep wondering what I did, you know? When I- when I died, and was raised as a Knight, I'd left my post, where I was supposed to be with the troop. I don't know if he's... mad about that, or if it's something else, or if he's just... changed. Maybe it's many things. It's been more than ten years, after all."

Jackdaw winces. "I... dunno, got a theory, from what writin' I found down there.  I'll test it out.  We'll find out for ya, Dyr."

Dyrihm raises a brow. "What're you thinking?"

Jackdaw chews a lip he doesn't HAVE again.  It looks weird, like he's faking an overbite.  "All that shit 'bout soul magic, necromancy shit... dunno.  Maybe he's dyin'.  Maybe he's got the brain rot, an' he's tryin ta find folk who can offer him the kinda magic that'll keep it at bay."

Dyrihm frowns. "That... is different. I know he had a hard time with the Light after being raised, but- maybe he just... went too far over time." Dyrihm sighs. "That's... a shame."

Jackdaw shrugs, lets his hand fall away.  "Dunno nothin' for sure.  But I wouldn't be surprised, is all I'm sayin'."

Dyrihm nods. "Well. We'll find out more later, hopefully." He clasps his hands in front of him. "Haven't heard from any of them since I died. 'Course, I never really went looking. Caught up in my own shit. Maybe that was a mistake." He shakes his head. "I'll let you know when it's time to go, then."

Jackdaw nods, and takes a couple steps toward the hatch.  "Thanks again fer... fuck. Y'know.  Ought not talk about it again, probably.  But-"  He stops himself, expression vulnerable.

Dyrihm nods. "I don't regret it for a second," he says, firmly, then chuckles softly. "Fuck if I know how, but Rey and Reya- they're good friends, and they mean a lot to me. Even if we share some... differences."

Jackdaw nods.  He sure does understand That.  "I- me too."

[Dyrihm]: ‘Differences,’ here meaning ‘Scourge-and-Cult-loving fucking shit.’

Jackdaw huffs a laugh, glancing at his feet.  "Light, tell me about it."

Dyrihm laughs. He's really never shittalked Rey before, even if it's lovingly. "Take care of 'em for me," he says. "And Varun too. I worry."

Jackdaw nods.  The flash of worry there is, perhaps, genuinely concerning.  But he's quickly clambering up to the hatch.  "'Course.  See ya soon, mate."

[Dyrihm]: See you soon, Nob.

Jackdaw gives a little wave and vanishes- literally, as he's often wont to do- through the hatch.

[sunbroofomegle]

“Hey Solaire! The quarter ended and Spring Break has begun! Do you have a funny video like you usually do to start it?”

No. Not this time.

I have a story...

So you all may have head that I had to work with a guy who was INCREDIBLY rude and overall unpleasant to work with. The guy who insisted we do art and visuals first when we didn’t want to. Update on that situation: a TL;DR: He couldn’t handle being in our group because “muh mental state”, which is actually because he hates someone in our group because that someone is trans. He even called him by a fake birthname just to get across the whole “I hate this person and will disrespect them because they’re different” schpeel. He left our group for another after the professor and I both told him he’s not gonna survive in this industry if he continues. He then dropped the class very soon after. He takes only 2 classes instead of the usual 3 because he has the money to take it as slow as he wants. Now he takes one.  He also lied to the other group about what happened just to make us seem like shitstains. But that’s not the worst... Holy FUCK I wish that was the worst... Scenario: A 5 man group has become a 4 man group. Luckily, that 5th man was holding us back so now we can get through swimmingly. We start getting things done. It’s a good time! But then a core mechanic spawns a debate. Group member 4 is adamant this game mechanic that people outside of the group have stated is a shit idea. I won’t go into detail, but basically he wanted to lower the RNG by adding more RNG to the game. Now, I’m calm about this. I’m saying “hey, there are plus sides to both ideas, but I think this one idea would work better”. The group agrees except for him. But he insists we use his idea. The one we have stated is not fun, the one we TESTED and didn’t enjoy, the one OTHER PEOPLE tested and didn’t enjoy. Core mechanics should be solid at that point. So this goes on for FOUR DAYS. It gets super heated because he refuses to let us continue. Now, it’s fair to think “hey, why didn’t you just let him test it?”  We didn’t have the time. We needed to get shit done. We were behind as it was.  So the weekend before the project is due, the very beginning of finals week, he’s missing in action. Why? I’m assuming it’s because it’s finals week so it’s alright. It’s around 3am on the Tuesday the presentation is due. I get a message from him saying he forgot. I’m upset, but it happens. It SHOULDN’T, especially something so important, but whatever. We bullshit a presentation because we didn’t have a really neat one prepared. He said he would do it. There’s where I should have said “okay, this is where the professor should get involved”.  But I didn’t. So we present and the professor came to us to let us know we have A LOT to work on in such little time. I tell him I’m confident and we all get our game plan. We were all pumped. So then it becomes the night before the board game is due. And what does that one guy do?

N O T H I N G

So this 5 man group that became a 4 man group is now a temporary 3 man group. The three of us are printing and cutting the various pieces to our game. They’re not the best, but “for a 3 man group, we did our fucking best”, to quote one of the members. I then go downtown at 7am Thursday morning to help print and cut more things, missing a class I really enjoy, to pick up the slack of this clown. We email the professor saying “yeah, we’re sorry this is super late, but we had hoped. This guy has contributed nothing to our group and has been MIA for the past few weeks” The professor talked to us privately and we told him how we feel. It was a nice chat, that professor is awesome! Really nice and understanding guy who plays the neutral party very well. We then talk as a group and the clown says that drama occurred and that deterred him a bit. This is where I should have noticed a red flag. But I didn’t. Class starts, we have borderline nothing ready. Aside from the cards, nothing was ready. It was a mess. But the professor decided to give us until Tuesday (today) to finish this. That was the one option I said to myself was not going to happen. So the weekend passes, I did as much as I could while also working on other classwork. I needed to focus on one thing for today, so I handed them all what I had and then focused entirely on that one thing. Mind you, I’m apologizing every chance I get because I’m feeling like I accidentally made this 5 man group that became a 4 man group that was a temporary 3 man group suddenly become a 2 man group. They’re fine with it. I was told by them to get some sleep because I’ve gotten very little sleep in the past few weeks. Seriously, the two who were actually contributing to this group were 10/10. I’m so happy to have worked with them. So I check the group chat we have from time to time. Guess who says nothing? Same clown. Guess who contributed nothing to this game, even being absent for half of the class and, in turn, not seeing the game his group worked their asses off for be played? Same clown But get this: It gets worse The class ends, it goes okay. For a 3 man group, the game was solid, in my opinion. Flawed, but damn good for such a small team with other work to do at the same time. So the 4 of us get together and sortof reflect. But then the clown says something that made me almost immediately see red: I will type this verbatim of what he said: “Hey guys, I’m sorry for trying to fuck you guys over. There was just a lot going on and when the whole drama thing happened, I just felt that would make me feel better.” So this 5 man group that became a 4 man group was actually a 3 man group because the 4th member didn’t get his way. Reminder: This is a college level course. I’m pretty sure he’s a junior.

This man went out of his way to not only fuck me over, but fuck over a group’s final because WE FUCKING DISAGREED WITH HIM

And the worst part? We can’t just go to the professor and say “hey, this guy said that he tried to sabotage our group” because of the Burden of Proof. He told us this in person. It was the perfect crime.

I told myself that if I didn’t die last Thursday, I’d be immortal. I could take on anything because god damn there was a lot going on. But here I am, the Tuesday after, feeling not like I have reached the sweet release known as Spring Break, but instead I feel physically ill and like I failed the group members, some genuinely good people with passion in their work, who cared and wanted to make something fun. All because one asshole thought he could get away with this. And get this: he did.

So if you ask me “Solaire, where’s the Spring Break funny?”, I’m going to have to say that there is no funny. Not today.

[aurimeanswind]

Post-End of Days—Sunday Chats (1-22-17)

We made it you guys. Specifically I made it.

I survived Game of the Year and all I got was this stupid blog post.

But no really, thank you to everyone who watched/listened to all of our Game of the Year content. I worked very, very hard on it.

This will be a little big of a different Sunday Chats. I’m just gonna highlight the GOTY stuff, and not do a little mini-editorial, instead focusing on talking about the games I’ve been playing, since it’s a bit of a culmination of my holiday stuff.

All of Our Game of the Year Content in one Place:

TOP TENS

IrrationalPod 310: Our Top 10s

Adam Wells’ Top 10 Games of 2016

Katie Kasarda

Logan Wilkinson

Barrett Courtney

Tyler Treese

Brendan Williams

Cameron Abbott

Nato Johnston

Logan Moore

Trevor Starkey

Quinten Hoffman

Cassidee Moser

Blessing Adeoye

Jurge Cruz

Fantastic Neighborhood

Caleb Cajthauml

Mark and Katie Kisling

Peter Spezia

Roger Pokorny

Danny Juarez

Jarrett and Jacob

Five Parts of IP311: Our GOTY Deliberations

Day 1

Day 2

Day 3

Day 4

Day 5

My Personal Top 10 — Alex Talks:

What’s On Tap

The Last Guardian

So I finished The Last Guardian.

This game is such a conflict in my heart. It’s a middle ground between Ico and Shadow, it’s definitely vehemently it’s own thing, and I like it, but very much dislike parts about it.

The distance from the game makes me like it more, but it has problems.

The idea that this game would be better if it were shorter I think is quantifiably false. It just wouldn’t achieve what it does successfully achieve if it was shorter. It needed to be long. Too long. It needed to be that slow burn.

For some reason, the slow burn didn’t work for me this time around, where in most media I vastly prefer that slow burn.

Regardless of how complicated my thoughts and feelings on it are, this is the first time where I feel video games are better, overall, for this gaming coming out, being done, and absolutely just doing what it wants to do. It is vehemently its own thing, even if it’s maybe 10 years out of its time, and I appreciate it’s tenacity and success in its own right.

I could not think of any better company amongst legends like Ico and Shadow of the Colossus.

Nioh: Final Trial

This one is so weird. It’s very familiar in its Souls-like nature, while also being it’s own thing.

I won’t get too “in the weeds” as far as controls and mechanics here, since it doesn’t convey as well to the written form, but the variety of stances and stamina-regain mechanic are very cool.

It’s different enough that I find myself frustrated again, for the first time in a long time playing a game paced as methodically as this.

The core gameplay and fighting enemies feels great. I fight, I fail, I die, and I learn. 

Fighting bosses... not so much. They have such fast attacks that can stun-lock you that I just find myself frustrated. I feel like I die too quickly to even be around to understand what I need to do, how I could possibly react fast enough to conquer the foe, or to learn anything altogether.

It makes me feel like I have a lot to learn, and that’s exciting, but I just hope I don’t hit a roadblock in the final game like I did in the demo, and just can’t progress anymore.

Tales of Zestiria

I’ve been chipping away at this one too, trying to finish it before Tales of Berseria comes out.

Its such a shame that this game just settles into being kinda boring and uninteresting, when so many parts about it off the bat felt fresh and cool.

There is just this directionless part of the late game where you kind of have to wonder, with no real idea of where to go exactly, finding these trials and gaining nebulous abilities, and it just kind of sucks.

It feels aimless and unfocused, where Tales has never felt like that before. It’s a bummer.

Questions:

Haha, I mean I hope people liked it. Trevor Starkey DM’d me when I asked for feedback about it and said I sounded burned out for half of it, which is a bummer, since I did have a good time recording all of those podcasts. Not one of the guests did I not have fun with, I think.

It’s a bit too much, right? I mean, as far as content I love it. I think it’s my magnum opus, in a lot of ways. It’s some of the best, podcast-type content I have ever made. I have several different schools of content: written, like this, video, like Alex Talks, and podcasts, and I think of all of that people doubt my podcast skills. I have proven myself as a video producer (for the most part, always wish I had better equipment), as a writer, but hey: I’m a pretty chief podcaster.

But it’s a lot to do and not a lot of time to do it. Maybe next time I’d just take a full week off from work, schedule all the episodes in that week, and record/edit them all in that week, and just have one really long, hard week. Doing almost all of the editing and scheduling in one day really helped this year.

I think it may be time to change up the format too. It felt cruddy to leave people out this year, and it also ways set up in a way that maybe certain folks I know that don’t play 10+ games they like in a given year can participate.

We’ll see. I have ideas, but personally, I think the content was pretty a-okay.

Hope you all liked it.

I loved it just about instantly. The gameplay clicked with me really well, the world clicked with me after essentially the first sidequest (but I will say it got way better for me when I got to the second area) and that opening scene— I was hooked.

But FF15 is very much my kind of game. It looks and feels just like an “Alex O’Neill” joint. I love it.

Keep with it. See it through to the end. It’s worth it.

Also you aint seen nothin’ yet.

Haha, yeah sure Trevor, though this is a bit of a passive aggressive way to ask, don’t you think? What am I just gonna say

NO. FUCK YOU. 

on my blog post? That’s crazy.

That’s some shit crazy people do.

Crazy people.

Fuck you Tyler.

But for real, it’s definitely Catherine. That game is horny the video game and I love it. I really want to play Yakuza 0 but I’ve never played a Yakuza game, so I’m worried it may be too much for me.

Catherine just oozes with this sexual awareness and comfort with it too, it’s just really fun and funny, and sexy, and open to it. I think the endings really reinforce that too, and it’s really great.

It came from an episode of Game Grumps, actually. I’ve brought it up before:

The idea of “Don’t Break the Chain” is just what I needed. It’s similar to what Greg Miller always used to say, of ‘just do it’. 

The biggest thing my feelings have changed on it is how easy it is. I mean, originally I started doing it to get better at writing about games, so I could become a freelancer, but that was not the resultant at all. Instead, I’ve gotten better, sure (humble brag) but it’s made this consistent level of “work” for me, so writing isn’t enough anymore, y’know? Now, I have to do so much more, like all these podcasts and Alex Talks and whatnot, because I need to do more because what was more isn’t enough anymore.

It’s raised my confidence a lot. I don’t have to “set my mind to it” because my mind is permanently set to doing it. Time to up the ante, right?

Right.

That’s all I got. Shoutout, again, to all the wonderful guests who came on our game of the year Guest Top Tens. You all are the real heroes. Thank you for taking the time to talk your favorite games, because I loved it.

Back to the grind. Starting school on Wednesday. Let’s hope I don’t die. Until then, I’m gonna eat some pizza and play some games.