#I’m out in the real world again but I wish I had more balance

[propheciesanddreams]

No one tells you how disorienting healing is. I’m doing so much better but I also miss the old me in a weird way. I don’t miss the symptoms of my depression but I somehow miss who I was and what I did while depressed.

[tarot-by-e11e]

PAC: "What do you need to let go of?" (call-out from your guides)

"Once we rid ourselves of the shackles of our own self-imposed limitations, we will be able to soar higher and further than the birds in the sky." - said by me

(reminder: this is for entertainment purposes only. Only take what resonates) Choose with mic will lovingly call you out~

Pile 1:

Pile 1: 8 of Coins, Judgement, 7 of Cups, 3 of Cups

Right off the bat, the first phrase I heard was, “unrealistic high standards”. Oomph. *nervously looking away*

Pile 1, by any chance, are you known as the “resident heartbreaker” in your community because of the trail of broken hearts you leave behind? It’s great to have standards but you need also to remember that nobody’s perfect, not even you dear pile 1.  There’s this journal prompt(?) I’ve encountered before about listing down all the characteristics you want in your ideal partner, then sitting down and reflecting if your ideal would wish to have a partner like you. It’s such a humbling yet eye-opening journal prompt TBH. Don’t expect the best if you won’t show up as the best version of yourself. Like… if you want the best, you have to be the best version of yourself as well.

What you also need to let go of Pile 1 is your hyper-self-awareness. Granted that it’s great knowing what your strengths and weaknesses are but there is such a thing as too much. I heard, “A healthy balance is key” in your case. Sorry for the call out Pile 1 but from the second card as well, your perfectionistic tendencies are slowly making themselves known. You might have these “all-or-nothing” tendencies, like a “black-or-white” mindset sometimes. It seems you have high standards for others and yourself, so you tend to intellectualize your feelings instead of feeling them. Again, apologies for the call-out Pile 1.

The last card feels like a desperation for external validation. Like, you feel you always need someone to impress or win over to feel like you’re good enough. There’s this unworthiness wound that needs to be addressed. Also, chronic people-pleasing tendencies to the point of immediate self-sacrificial tendencies. Pile 1, you need to learn to let go of this unhealthy thirst for external validation. Because the moment you lose your “audience”, you feel lost and listless. You need to remember that you are worthy of love, happiness, and success in life because you exist.

Pile 2:

Pile 2: 2 of Cups, Tower, 10 of Swords, Strength

I’m saying sorry in advance Pile 2 but the first thing I heard was, “You need to learn to be happy alone.” Pile 2 either is the type that can’t stand being single or is a hopeless romantic that has more fictional crushes than actual human relationships. (Apologies to all the romance genre bookworms all over the world). This pile falls under those two categories~

So for the serial daters, it seems that you need to take a bit of a break/pause and assess what do you want in a partner, your non-negotiables and negotiables. You are asked to don’t say to every person that asks you out. Also heard that, don’t date just because you’re bored, lonely, or have a lot of time to spare. Basically, you are called to only get into a relationship for the right reasons.

Now for the hopeless romantic who prefers fictional men to real men, I understand that you might have heard stories or had experiences that made you always choose the bear every single time. Those horror stories are an unfortunate reality for people into men. But I can’t, in my good conscience as having nephews, say that all men are despicable human beings. Granted, not all men but still they’re men. So… what I’m saying here is, that your fictional boyfriends would want you to actually experience happiness through real human interactions too. So yup, keep your guard up to those who wear their red flags with pride, but do try to give a chance to good men out there.

What you also need to let go of Pile 2 is your destructive coping mechanisms whenever you feel triggered by your traumas. Yes, I’m sorry to have it break it to you. You kinda felt this would eventually be mentioned, right? You are aware of your own destructive tendencies when triggered. You are aware that you unintentionally hurt your loved ones whenever they trigger you. And you also know you want to stop hurting people in the process. If therapy is expensive, try searching for somatic exercises and eft tapping. You don’t always have to swallow a pill to get better at managing your anger issues and self-sabotaging tendencies. You just have to give yourself a safe space to be able to honor and validate your feelings/pain/trauma. Treat yourself as gentle and compassionate as possible, like you would a child who’s just learning how to walk and talk.

Lastly, you are called to let go of your arrogance. I’m really sorry for the call-out Pile 2 but the cards have spoken. It’s great to know within yourself that you can walk your talk but you might have the tendency to bulldoze anyone that crosses your path. This might even cause an issue with authority figures. There’s a fine line between arrogance and confidence that you need to learn to master. It’ll help with the harmonious dynamics between you and your coworkers.

Pile 3:

Pile 3: 10 of Wands, 6 of Coins, Queen of Coins, Wheel of Fortune

Pile 3 feels like my burnt-out workaholic pile from the get-go. Being burdened by too much on your plate. Pile 3 might actually tend to take on other people’s problems. I understand you want to help out but you need to understand that you have limits too. You are asked to let go of the burdens that aren’t actually yours to begin with. You’re also asked to reprioritize your needs and responsibilities first before even considering helping someone else with their problems. I kept hearing, “You can’t pour out of an empty cup.”

Why does it feel like Pile 3 is my overly giving and generous pile? Sweetheart, please… I get how you want to help others out and give whenever you can. Just don’t forget to keep some for yourself, okay? I’m not asking you to stop being generous. I’m asking you to discern who genuinely needs your generosity and who is abusing your kind and loving heart. Unfortunately, not everyone deserves you and your generous heart.

Pile 3, your pile really has me crying and whimpering, “Please stop letting people walk all over you.” No wonder y’all are burnt out, you are the most loving, generous, and nurturing souls in the world to the point of being easy prey for abusive, manipulative narcissists. I’m begging you Pile 3, discernment and boundaries. You’re so nurturing and caring to the point of ignoring someone’s red flags. So… you have to actually learn how to have healthy boundaries and practice discernment. Don’t entertain the idea/potential of a person and see them for who they really are.

The last card feels like you need to let go of being too much of a “going with the flow” to the point of not taking charge of your own life, Pile 3. I understand you’re adaptable and know how to roll with the punches, but it also feels like a drifter with no roots. Always letting yourself be carried wherever the wind blows, can be interpreted as letting people dictate how you should live your life. It seems that pile 3 tends to take a passive approach to living your life. I understand that people who are of authority claim they want what’s best for you, but that’s what’s best based on THEIR values and preferences, not YOURS. So… please Pile 3, take the time to figure out what do you actually want to do with your life, in your own way. You are not just someone’s child, not just someone’s sibling/parent, not just someone’s friend/classmate/coworker. You are your own person, with a heart that feels and a mind that can think for themselves.

Pile 4:

Pile 4: 2 of Coins, 6 of Swords, Knight of Swords, Chariot

The first card of Pile 4 feels like you need to let go of only prioritizing your needs while disregarding your desires. It’s great to know how to be practical and resourceful, but you tend to only focus on nurturing the physical and basic needs, you tend to forget your emotional needs too. You tend to forget that you can let yourself enjoy your life while you work hard to provide for yourself and your family. I’m hearing, “self-care” is something you need to prioritize. Don’t just say, “Oh, I can just enjoy the fruits of my labor later” then realize your knees can’t even be stable enough to carry your body to your bathroom. The last I heard from the first card was “Go on a vacation and treat yourself while your body is still able to live and move with ease.”

The next thing you need to let go of is your cut-off game, specifically your tendency to ghost people. It seems that Pile 4 is quite quick to cut people out of your lives without notice. It seems that pile 4 also tends to cut someone out of their life on impulse. Like, no explanation, no notice, no last goodbye. This is giving “ghosting” vibes. It’s like, the person you cut off didn’t even do anything wrong, yet pile 4 while just going ghost without a valid reason. Like, pile 4 may go ghost whenever someone is getting a bit too close to your heart and you tend to run before they even get a chance to offer any friendship/commitment. Pile 4, are you a commitment phobe?

Pile 4, what you need to let go of is your impatience. Not just towards others, but also towards yourself. The littlest inconveniences make you lose your cool quicker than a mic drop. Not everyone is capable of keeping up with your demands and requests, not even you. So please, learn to be more understanding and patient with yourself and other people. I understand that you want to just go-go-go, but you need to know that you shouldn’t bulldoze your way through life. Learn to pace yourself by taking the time to smell the roses. There’s nothing wrong about going after what you want to get done, but you just need to remember that you don’t always do everything perfectly in the first try. You too make mistakes. You too need time to learn from your mistakes and become a better version of yourself. So please, show yourself and others the same compassion and patience you wished someone would give you.

Finally, the last thing pile 4 needs to let go of is “being controlling”. I’m really sorry for this call-out Pile 4 but you must have heard this from someone else before. Just because you know what’s best and know how to do it best, it doesn’t mean you should always take the reins and just control everything and everyone to bend into your will. Your way isn’t the only way to do things. You might be surprised that there are other ways to go about a task with minimal damage and effort. So please, let go of the concept that you have to always take charge and always be the leader.

Thank you for trying out my PAC reading. Feel free to give me a feedback on how your pile resonates with you.

[tubatwo]

third wheel - huening kai (+kang taehyun)

summary: where kai feels like a third wheel in your relationship

pairing: gn reader x tyunning

genre: fluff/slight angst: 1.4k words

a/n: forgive me for writing poly fics but this is a safe space right…? |⩊･)ﾉ⁾⁾ I just love the dynamic of a throuple with the stern one and the one who gives reader everything they want lol. I immediately thought of writing something with tyunning! would anyone want an alternative ver with tae?

being in a relationship with taehyun and kai was the perfect balance.

there was taehyun: the sweet but spicy one who loved taking the lead

and then there was kai: the shy one that couldn’t help but grant your every wish

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sometimes their different personalities left kai feeling uneasy about what he might be lacking. sometimes he felt as if you enjoyed taehyun’s boldness more. and today happened to be one of those days as you laid on kai’s chest, rubbing his tummy while waiting for your other lover to come home. taehyun had excused himself shortly before to grab some food for movie night, not wanting either of you to move a muscle after the morning you had.

“taehyun, stop!” you giggled while playfully pushing him away as he tickled the sides of your waist.

the three of you decided to go to an amusement park together as a celebration for your free schedules finally lining up. the lines were long, the people were loud, and the weather was honestly shit, but none of you could resist the idea of a fun, nostalgic trip. however, while you and taehyun shared laughter and innocent touches, kai stood off to the side, almost as if he was a third wheel. multiple people had already complimented you and taehyun as a couple, and now you were waiting to ride one of the rides together; one that kai was completely terrified of. he already agreed to skip this one and wait for you guys to finish, but now he was having second thoughts. standing to the side, staring at the ground, kai wished that he could be different for you just once. he wished that he could be more confident when it came to pda, he wished that he wasn’t afraid of scary rides, and he wished that people would recognize you guys as a couple too.

“hyuka? you aren’t riding right? why do you look so uncomfortable?” you asked innocently, unraveling taehyun’s arms around you so you could grab kai’s instead. before he could even process what was happening, he already blurted out

“i’m going too.”

despite yours and taehyun’s assuring words that it was okay to skip this one, he went through with his plan. from an outsider’s perspective, it would look like he was completely in zen mode while the ride was going. but on the inside, kai felt scared. he felt dizzy and horrible, but the only thing he cared about was the three of you sitting next to eachother while holding hands. sadly, that short burst of contentment came to an end after the ride ended and he felt the urge to throw up

hours later, kai’s stomach has calmed down a lot and is more than ready for some real food. taehyun calls to double-check everyone’s order while standing in what seems to be the longest line in the world. after giving your orders, the voices of you and taehyun slowly fade into background noise while kai spaces out. “how long will it be, tae? i’m getting really hungry…” you pout, nuzzling your face into kai’s chest.

“i’m sorry angel, I didn’t expect the line to be this long. it’s like a nightclub over here.” kai stays silent, not really focused on the conversation happening right now. “wait!” you sit up, slightly flustering him in the process. “we have those snacks from our last trip right? huening, let’s eat some.” you bounce lightly on the couch and grab his hand, making his ears grow redder than before.

“y/n, you shouldn’t eat any sugary snacks before dinner,” taehyun interrupts and lightly scolds, “plus, we might upset huening’s stomach again.” but what taehyun doesn’t hear is the sound of your own stomach letting out a small growl.

kai can’t help but feel guilty, even though his stomach was the one that went through the most today. deep down, he knows taehyun is right, but all he ever wants is to make you happy, even if it’s something silly like sugary snacks. it’s not that taehyun doesn’t want the same, oh no, you’re his angel and he loves to spoil you. but someone has to be the responsible one, and it just so happens that kai has an extremely hard time telling you no.

“i’ll skip snacks this time, but they can have a few just to calm their stomach, yeah?” kai tries to compromise on your behalf, resulting in a loud but humorous sigh from taehyun on the other line. “alright you scoundrels, but I want both of you to eat well tonight.”

kai zones out again as you lightly tease taehyun after being saved by kai, and he hears a beep signaling the end of the call after a few minutes of you two going back and forth. you immediately do a small victory dance after, making kai shyly laugh and touch his nose. his thoughts quickly leave his head though, as you lean down to press tons of kisses across his face. “thank you baby, you’re always so good to me.” you murmur. kai frowns at this, because he truly believes that he should do better.

“not enough.” he mumbles.

your smile fades as you lift your head up, “what do you mean?”

“I wish I could do more for you.” he admits, “like taehyun…”

his words continue to confuse you, especially after the brave face he put on today while at the amusement park. neither of you wanted him to do something he wasn’t comfortable with, but he insisted anyway. regardless, you weren’t sure where these sudden feelings were coming from. “I don’t understand… the both of you are equally good to me, though?”

he sighs before continuing, “but I get shy in public… people don’t even realize we’re together.” before you could even open your mouth to respond, he continues his rant, each word leaving another sting inside his chest. “he also takes the lead a lot, and i’m just… here.”

you chuckle lightly as you realize that this is just a small case of jealousy. you love kai a lot, and during times like this, you feel happy reminding him of just how much. “huening, you do know that you’re my safe place, right?” you ask, taking his hand into yours. but he doesn’t respond.

“I love the two of you because we all bring out the best parts of eachother. we both know that taehyun enjoys taking the lead and being protective, that’s why we act childish with him, right?” he finally responds by nodding and letting out a soft hum. “even though we know he’s always right, and don’t tell him I admitted that..” you joke, making him break his facade and giggle with you before you continue, “you still let me be playful, and you always play along too. taehyun feels the same way too, y’know?” kai smiles, almost embarrassed at how easy it is for you to cheer him up.

“also, I don’t care how people see us in public. seriously, you’re so shy, it’s adorable. especially because you’re allll~ over me the second we get home.” you sing out, making him hide his face in a pillow before you gently take it away and cradle his face in your hands. leaning down, instead of kissing his face again, you press your lips against his. “my sunshine.” you coo. kai’s entire face is red at this point, but he doesn’t care because he’s so, so happy. in the midst of more kisses, you both fail to hear the sound of the front door unlocking.

“and what exactly am I interrupting here?” taehyun walks over with a soft smile on his face, hands carrying two large bags of food everyone was desperately waiting for.

“I thought you two were supposed to be eating candy, but instead you’re starting something else without me?” you reach out to slap his arm playfully, scolding him as kai’s face turns red again. “shush, thank you for bringing us food, tae. we didn’t end up eating any snacks!” you tell him proudly.

taehyun smiles. “thank you angels, now come eat.” he walks over to put the bags on the table. “huening, I got your favorite egg drop soup. hopefully it wont be too much for your stomach.”

you look back at kai and kiss his cheek one last time. “you okay?” you whisper. he smiles and gives you a kiss this time. “i’m perfect.” after eating dinner, everyone was satisfied. kai felt better, both physically and mentally, and spent the rest of the night squeezed between the two people he loved most.

[bussyslayer333]

Take it

summary: jake seresin is the worst best friend in the world.

pairing: jake seresin x best friend!reader

word count: 4.3k

warnings: swearing, mentions of alcohol, smut, face sitting, jake sucks but makes up for it hehe, MDNI 18+

⭑･ﾟﾟ･*:༅｡.｡༅:*ﾟ:*:✼✿

You hated Jake Seresin.

That wasn’t true, but it was much easier to say that. To tell the wholehearted truth you were pretty sure you’d been in love with him since the day you met him a year and a bit ago. (1 year 5 months and 12 days if we’re getting specific).

You were on a bar crawl for one of your friends birthdays the day you met, everyone dressed as either sexy cowgirls or sexy aliens. Jake had taken an interest in your hot pink cowgirl hat and daisy dukes that left little to the imagination.

“Howdy, cowgirl.” He had drawled, making you giggle girlishly in your drunken state.

“Wow, a real life cowboy!” You had slurred, flicking at his toned chest.

Jake steadied you as you wobbled, inebriated, on your heeled cowgirl boots.

“Easy, tiger,” he murmured as you slumped against him, drawing circles on his pecs.

Jake was the one to take you home that night, nothing had happened, but he had made sure you got home safe once all your friends had dispersed. It was that nurturing nature of his that you wished so dearly for other people to see, and it often left you wondering what would have happened if your hadn’t drank that last vodka cranberry before you made your way to the Hard Deck.

“Open wide kitty!” Jake laughs, trying to stick your toothbrush in your mouth.

You groan from where you’re sat on your bathroom counter, nursing what felt like your worst hangover yet. It was a common occurrence for Jake to sleep at your apartment after a night out, just as common for him to share your bed.

You finally opened your mouth so Jake could stick your toothbrush in, you stared into his green eyes with a somewhat lovesick expression as he brushed your teeth for you. It was far too intimate for two people who labelled themselves ‘best friends’.

But that’s how it always seemed to be with Jake, toeing a line, will they won’t they. Ultimately, you figured Jake just wasn’t into you.

“Spit.” Jake tapped your cheek, happy with his brushing job.

He held your hair back as you spat into the sink,

“I’m not a baby,” you whined, climbing onto him so he could take you to your couch.

Jake laughed at your whinging, “Stop acting like one then.”

You went to dispute him again but realised your position; hanging off of him like a baby koala. Instead you make a little ‘hmmph’ noise and smush you’re face into the side of his neck. You finally feel his body dip onto your couch and look up from where you’re perched on his lap.

It’s unfair that he can look so good after so little sleep. Your eyes rake down his bare chest, biting your lip subconsciously.

“I’m not a piece of meat kitty.”

You roll your eyes, smacking his hard chest, “Shut up.”

Jake’s smirking down at you, there’s nothing he loves more than riling you up.

“If you want me you can just tell me darlin’, I know I’m irresistible.”

Your eyes must see more of the back of your head than the world round you, you reach for Jake’s ray bans that he discarded on your coffee table last night and balance them on your face. You pout in pose slightly for Jake to see.

Jake’s heart twangs slightly watching you giggle on top of him, draped in his shirt and now wearing his sunglasses. Truth be told, Jake was head over heels for you.

“How do I look?” You question with a giggle.

The last thing you expected in answer was Jake to surge forward and kiss you. His lips melded with yours like nothing you’ve ever felt before, it was all the pent emotions and words unspoken all wrapped up under the guise of a kiss. He tasted minty like your toothpaste that he always steals. You’re hand threads through the bottom of his hair at the base of his neck and it finally seems to rouse him. He pulls back and looks at you with wide eyes, pushing his sunglasses up to the top of your head.

“Fuck, I’m sorry.”

“Please don’t be,” You whine breathlessly.

Jake takes this as a sign and cups your face with both hands, connecting your lips once again. It’s messy and your hands are running through his hair haphazardly. Just as Jake slips his tongue into your mouth, his phone begins to ping in his pocket. You pull back with a giggle and watch Jake groan, the texts are from Bradley. It’s his birthday today and Jake is supposed to be with him before you go out again tonight for more celebrations.

chicken 😒

where are you????

get ur ass here rn

i will literally fart on your pillow if u don’t hurry up

do u want to have pink eye bagman?

You’re still laughing at the texts when Jake pipes up,

“This man is 35 and threatening to fart on my pillow.”

When you finally manage to kick Jake out 20 minutes later, he’s giving you one final kiss before he’s out the door.

“See you later pretty girl.”

You peck him quickly again, “Bye cowboy.”

Whilst getting ready for Bradley’s birthday drinks you find your mind consistently wandering to Jake. Will he like what you’re wearing? He likes when you put shimmery eyeshadow on, right? Is he gonna tell everyone about you? Are you his girlfriend now?

The last question makes your stomach flutter in excitement. Surely you weren’t just friends anymore. Once you finished the final touches on your makeup you slip on your mini skirt,pull your strappy top over your head and bend down to pull your wedges on. You slide your lipgloss into your purse and decide you’re ready to go.

When you get to the Hard Deck you can already see Phoenix and Bob giggling on a bench outside, nursing a few beers. When they see you they call you over with a wave,

“Hey babe!” Phoenix smiles lazily, you’re pretty sure she’s been here a while.

You kiss her and Bob on the cheek and pipe up, “Have you guys seen Jake?”

They both share a giggle and a knowing look, “Lover boy is inside.” Phoenix chuckles.

You roll your eyes at your two friends who are giggling like school girls and step into the bar, scanning the area for Jake. You first catch sight of Bradley and quickly jog over to wish him a happy birthday.

“Hey birthday boy!” You cheer, as he wraps an arm around your waist.

“Hey gorgeous,” Bradley’s cheeks are already rouged from the alcohol he’s consumed.

You pull a card from your purse that you couldn’t resist giving to Bradley, his eyes light up as you hand it over to him. He all but tears it open to find a card with a cartoon chicken wearing a party hat on it, he snorts and mumbles “rooster” then opens it to read your sweet little message. Once he’s finished reading he places a wet kiss on your cheek and whispers,

“No one else got me a card.” You frown slightly but realise that none of the team seem the type really.

Rooster corrects himself, “Bob did, and Mav and Penny. But yours is the best.”

You sigh in relief, Bob loved birthday cards and you would have been shocked had Rooster not received one from him.

“I’m glad you like it Bradley.”

Bradley’s arm is still wrapped around your waist and he squeezes you in acknowledgment.

“Drinks?” You question and Bradley smiles,

“Definitely.”

You make you way over to the bar top, still scanning what seemed to be a doubled crowd for Jake’s form.

Penny catches your eye and mouths “The usual?” and you nod, eyes still searching.

That’s when you spot the back of his head on the opposite side of the bar, and a female hand raking through the short hair at the nape of his neck. You crane your head around enough to see that the female hand is connected to a body whose lips are connected to Jake’s. Nausea is the only thing you feel, you’re frozen in place gawking at Jake and his gorgeous new friend. When Jake pulls back from the kiss he meets your widened eyes immediately. He feels guilt pool in his stomach, but quickly pushes it down. He saw you flirting with Bradley, who cares if he kisses someone else. The guilt comes back as he watches you rush out quickly.

You can feel Jake following after you but you don’t have the heart to turn back. It’s only when you stumble slightly on the gravelled parking lot of the Hard Deck that Jake catches up to you.

“Kitty, wait!”

You roll your eyes with much more venom than he’s ever seen as you turn around to face him, Jake’s stomach drops when he sees the tears pooling in your lash line.

“Just go back Jake, I’m sure if you’re quick that girl will still be waiting.”

It’s Jake’s turn to roll his eyes, “Sure and I’ll go find Bradley for you.”

“What?”

“I saw you with him earlier.”

“It’s his birthday Jake!”

“He kissed you!”

“On the cheek! How many times has he done that to you?”

Jake recalls all the drunken cheek kisses from Bradley he’s been on the receiving end of. He’s a very affectionate lump when he wants to be.

“Fuck, kitty wait!”

You’re already back to your car by the time Jake has pulled himself out of his thoughts. Jake watches you drive off feeling like a prize idiot.

When he walks back into the Hard Deck Bradley is onto him immediately, asking where you went. He’s heavy on Jake, clearly enjoying all the drinks he’s been bought with his birthday boy badge on.

“I miss her.” Bradley whines into Jake’s ear.

“Me too.”

The next day when you wake up, you somehow feel worse than how you usually feel with a hangover. The embarrassment and hurt from last night flooding your whole body.

You spend the first half of the morning moping around your apartment in your pyjamas. It’s just gone 12 when you hear the buzzer for your apartment ring. You groan aloud, not moving and willing that the person at your door just goes away. However, your phone screen lights up with a text from Bradley.

bradbrad

open the door smh

i know ur in there

You roll your eyes but let a small smile grace your face. At least it wasn’t Jake. You look through your peephole to find Bradley stood in a hoodie and sweatpants with sunglasses on and a huge bouquet in his hands. Furrowing your eyebrows you open the door.

“Hey gorgeous,” he smiles kindly, walking into your apartment.

He flops down onto the couch and pushes his sunglasses onto his head, you giggle slightly at how tired his bloodshot eyes look.

“Geez, Brad you look dreadful.” You pat his shoulder, taking the spot next to him on your couch.

He grimaces, “and you look radiant as ever.” He flicks your mussed updo that you had clearly slept in.

“Yeah, okay, why are you here?” You tuck your legs under yourself.

Bradley nods to the huge bouquet of flowers taking up the space on his lap. They’re beautiful lilies with a pink card tucked into the wrapping, he hands them over to you and chuckles slightly as you try to hold them all.

“Sorry, can you take these again, let me get a vase.”

You shove the flowers back into Bradley’s hands and hunt down the large vase your mother had insisted you kept “in case a boy wanted to buy you flowers!”. You find it tucked beside one of your kitchen cabinets and fill it partly with water before returning to the living room. You place the vase on the coffee table and reach for the flowers, plucking the pink message card out before carefully placing the flowers into the vase.

The pink card has scrawl that you immediately recognise on it, it reads;

My best girl,

i’m sorry for being a dick

forgive me?

yours,

J xo

Hurt twinges in your chest at his messy handwriting and earnest words. It hurts because you know him well enough to figure that he means it and that he spent enough time at a florists to pick out your favourite flowers. But it hurts most to know that he still kissed someone who wasn’t you, purposefully to get back at you.

Bradley pats at your knee, waking you from your trance.

“He sent me with them, he was worried you wouldn’t even take them if he tried.”

You groan, “he’s such a dick!”

Bradley shrugs, as much as he would have once agreed with you, Bradley had never seen Jake so messed up about something. When he showed up at Bradley’s house at 8am with a huge bouquet of lilies Bradley had initially thought he was having some strange maladaptive dream, but when Jake started rambling about how he had fucked the one good thing in his life up, he knew it was serious.

“Hear him out?” Bradley tries cautiously.

Before you can roll your eyes Bradley speaks up again,

“You’re still coming to the beach tonight?”

You groan. You’d forgotten about the last day of Bradley’s birthday celebrations, a beach bonfire. You’d promised him you would be there weeks ago, it was surely too cruel to cancel on the day of.

“Sure, fine.”

Bradley squeezes you hand before standing up and heading towards the door,

“9pm. Be there in something skimpy!”

You flip him off as he lets himself out with a cackle.

The beach was busy when you arrived, probably everyone Bradley knew and their friends were there. Your stomach flip flopped and you considered spinning on your heel when you caught a glimpse of Jake’s silhouette but Phoenix spotted and called you over before you could make your swift exit.

She makes her way over to you with an apprehensive smile on her face, you figure Bradley told her what happened with Jake.

“Hey,” she links her arm into yours, her presence already settling your nerves.

“Hi,” You breathe out, allowing her to steer you towards the party.

Bradley catches sight of you and cheers loudly, grabbing everyone (including Jake’s) attention. It makes you cringe slightly but you straighten yourself out and smile at him.

“Hey gorgeous! You look great,” Bradley pulls you out of Phoenix’s grip and makes you do a little twirl.

It makes you feel a little silly but you’re mostly grateful that at least someone can appreciate your tiny bikini. Jake’s gaze is hot on your back, you can feel his eyes raking over you. Maybe it’s cruel for you to purposefully ignore him but the little devil on your shoulder reminds you that he deserves it.

Phoenix stays by your side all night, dancing and drinking and distracting you from Jake’s gaze. It works well until she’s pulled away from you by Bob and suddenly Jake’s by your side.

“Please can we talk?” Jake pleads in your ear.

He’s stood behind you, you can feel the heat from his body warming your back. You want nothing more than to lean back into him, be encapsulated by Jake. But, your will is strong and Jake had once told you he admired your pettiness so you stand your ground not to his surprise.

“Fuck off.”

Bit harsh, but nothing you know he can’t handle.

You turn to leave but he weaves his way in front of you, sad green eyes staring into you.

“Please, kitty.”

It’s unfair, how just looking at his face can make you crumble. Jake Seresin is a cruel, cruel man.

“Fine.”

You let Jake lead you further away from everyone, closer towards where everyone’s cars are parked. He sits down on the sand and looks up at you. You take a seat next to him, your bare leg knocking against his absentmindedly.

The tide has come in significantly and the way the waves lap idly at the sand in front of you helps to calm the nerves in your stomach.

“I’m sorry.” Jake whispers.

You raise your eyebrows at him, and Jake winces. He knew this wasn’t going to be easy but he thought the flowers were a nice touch.

“I know I fucked up, okay? I really like you darlin’, the type of like that I think is love but I’m too scared to say it because I somehow always fuck the good things in my life up.” Jake takes a deep breath, “and you’re the best thing, my best girl. I’m surprised you stuck around me so long, I know I deserve it but please don’t ignore me, it’s only been a day and I’m already losing my mind out here sweetheart.”

You sit in silence for a few seconds, processing Jake’s word vomit.

“Do you mean it?”

Jake looks at your side profile, studying every minuscule detail.

“Mean what?” He mumbles.

“You love me?”

Jake reaches a hand out, he grazes his knuckle along your cheekbone and sighs.

“More than anything.”

You hadn’t looked at him properly yet, worried he’d take pity on your sad face but his admission draws you in. Jake frowns at the sight of your glossy eyes and reaches his other hand forward so he can cradle your face.

“I’m so fucking sorry kitty.”

You giggle slightly and he quirks a brow, “You loooove me,” you tease with a watery voice.

Jake chuckles and leans in closer and closer until his lips are millimetres away from yours.

“Can I?” He asks.

You hum in mock consideration for a few seconds and Jake squeezes your cheeks into a pout. Finally you grace him with an answer.

“If you must.”

Jake’s lips are soft on yours. Tentative. Like he wants to do it right this time, showing you just how much he cares. It’s sweet and intoxicating but when his tongue traces your lower lip you pull back.

“You’re not forgiven just yet.”

Jake knew he wouldn’t be able to get way so easily, luckily he had a plan that would benefit the both of you.

He stands abruptly, taking your hand in his and guiding you up with him. He lets his hand drift to your waist and he plays with the strings of your bikini as he guides you towards the multitude of cars parked behind where you had just been sat. From the car park Bradley’s bonfire is a small beacon of light quite far away, so Jake isn’t too worried about someone walking in on what he plans to do.

When you realise you’re headed for Jake’s truck you halt in your walk,

“Can I go say goodbye to everyone before we leave?”

Jake smiles down at you before opening the back door to his truck, “We’re not leaving.”

You quirk an eyebrow at him as he helps you into the backseats of his truck. The way he’s smirking down at you fills your stomach with excitement.

Jake finally offers you an explanation, “I want to show you how sorry I am,” He reaches for the strings of your bikini bottoms once again, holding his hands against them, not quite undoing them just yet.

“Did you wear this for me?” He smirks.

You roll your eyes, “For Bradley.”

Jake scoffs pulling at the string on the left side of your bikini bottoms. They stay in place as he reaches for the other side but you raise your hand to signal him to stop. Jake leans back from you, head resting against the window.

“What do we say?” You tease at him.

Jake smiles at you, he likes you like this. Thinking you’re in charge. Jake pouts in mock confusion then spits out the magic word,

“Please, kitty.”

Your core clenches at the way Jake is staring down at you. You swallow before nodding, prompting Jake to reach for the other bikini string. He pulls at it slowly, mesmerised by the way it unravels. Once it’s fully undone you sit up on your knees and let the fabric slip off of you. Jake sucks in a breath as he finally catches sight of your pussy.

“Sit on my face.”

“What?” You giggle somewhat breathlessly.

Jake had never asked a girl to do that before, but looking at you in this moment he’s never been so sure of anything.

“Please.” He almost whines.

Jake’s desperation makes your stomach flip, a wave of arousal flooding through you. You reach forwards and crash your lips together, allowing his tongue entrance. Jake’s hands find their way to the back of your neck where strings hold together your bikini top. He has less patience this time, simply pulling at them until your breasts are free. He pulls back from the kiss to admire your naked form, instead of feeling self conscious Jake’s gaze makes you feel confident. Especially with how you can see his cock straining against his trunks.

Jake manœuvres himself as best he can so that his head is resting against one of the seats and he’s lying on his back, his hands resting on your waist as you straddle his chest. The feeling of his warm skin and sprinkling of chest hair is almost euphoric against you.

“Are you sure?” You ask him.

“Never been more so.” Jake replies breezily, hands reaching out to palm at the fat of your ass.

You hum, moving upwards until your pussy is hovering over his mouth. Jake licks his lips at the sight of your glistening arousal, you can feel the vibration of every breath he takes against you. Jake’s hands move to pull you down onto his mouth and you reach a hand out onto the window to stable yourself.

Jake licks a stripe up your pussy, tongue flat. It makes you squeal in pleasure, other hand coming down to tangle into his hair. He makes kitten licks at your clit, swirling and then moving his tongue down to gather your juices. The movement makes your hips circle against him, riding his face. You worry slightly about smothering Jake, but you’re mind is wiped as he grips at your ass, pulling you down harder onto his mouth, moaning into your pussy at the taste of you.

His enthusiasm makes you giggle which is quickly turned into a squeak as Jake dips his tongue into your hole, nose nudging against your clit with every thrust. Jake fucks his tongue into you over and over again, making your eyes roll into the back of your head, moans spilling from your lips in a constant babble. The tight knot in your stomach beginning to form. Jake removes his tongue from your hole and starts to lick and swirl at your clit again, he moves one of his hands from the tight grip on your ass and brings it towards your hole. You can feel his middle finger tease your entrance before dipping in.

“Fuck, Jake.” You whimper as he uses his other hand to guide you in continuing to ride his face and hand. The knot in your stomach tightens as Jake moans loudly into your pussy. It gives you a sneaky feeling that he’s enjoying this as much as or maybe even more than you. He increases the speed at which he’s curling his finger inside of you and flicks at you clit with his tongue with renewed vigour, finally sending you over the edge.

You’re a moaning mess as white hot pleasure hits you, hips rolling erratically down onto Jake’s face and jerking upwards as he tries to continue his ministrations of licking up your juices. Jake finally lets his grip on your ass loosen and he pulls his finger from you, allowing you to move off of him and straddle against his waist. Jake hisses sensitively.

Your brows furrow and you look down to see a dark blue stain against Jake’s light blue swim trunks. A teasing smirk forms on your lips, but you can’t help the shock of arousal that shoots through you.

“Did you..?” You nod down to the incriminating patch.

Jake looks embarrassed for a second before recovering, “You taste and sound incredible kitty, can you blame me?”

You flush under his compliments and reach down to peck at his lips,

“You’re incredible, Jake.”

He pecks you a few more times before sitting up,

“Tell me something I don’t know.”

Your eyes roll lovingly at Jake’s comment and you reach to peck at his lips again before a knock at the fogged up window interrupts you. You’re nervous for a split second before Bradley’s obnoxious laugh fills your ears. Jake’s arms wrap protectively around your waist, covering your modesty before he presses the button to allow the windows to roll down slightly.

“Fuck off, Bradshaw.” Jake yells before doing the window up again.

You can hear Bradley’s cackles as he yells to who you presume is Phoenix.

“I told you they’d fuck and make up!”

The next morning when Jake Seresin wakes up in your bed it seems like nothing has changed. However, your presence is absent, bringing a frown to Jake’s face.

He wanders through your apartment to find you in the kitchen, humming a tune and wiggling your hips enticingly. You’re wearing one of Jake’s shirts and some very small sleep shorts. The sight makes Jake groan, alerting you of his presence. You turn and beeline for him, jumping into his arms, legs wrapping around his waist.

“Morning, handsome.” You smile, kissing at his cheek.

Jake basks in the attention, “How’s my gorgeous girlfriend on this fine morning?”

You giggle at his words, “You’re corny.”

“You love me.”

“Maybe.”

Jake sighs, and licks at your cheek over and over again making you shriek in disgust.

“Fine! I love you!” You squeal at him.

He beams, “knew it.”

⭑･ﾟﾟ･*:༅｡.｡༅:*ﾟ:*:✼✿

a/n: FINALLY FINISHED WRITING SMTH!!!!

i hope this is up to standard, this is a request i got ages ago and finally finished 😭😭😭

jake is my lover boy which means I KNOW HE MAKES MISTAKES but i love him and care about him anyways

also i know he this man eats cooch like a pro so i want NO arguments !

pls comment, reblog, or send me and ask and tell me what u think !!!

thank u for reading :)))

- honey <333

[cherry-pop-elf]

Hello! So, I hope this request is okay to ask, if not, I'm so sorry!!! (Especially as it is a triggering topic) --- TW ‼️‼️ healing from SA

I was wondering about a fic with george where the reader (gender neutral but afab anatomy) has maybe been put through something in the past (left ambiguous), and essentially is just ready to try more intimate stuff with george, and is able to just fully enjoy themself with him? Like a healing sort of thing?

I know this request is kinda different. I've seen your other posts about sensitive topics and thought they were great, and I checked to see what you are/aren't okay with (I hope I didn't get it wrong, if I did, I'm very sorry!), so I thought I'd send this in. I just thought it'd be a healing read! BUT, I understand that it's still sensitive, so totally no worries if that's the case!

Also, I hope this isn't too specific???? I apologise if it is!!!!

I hope that you're having a lovely day ^^

((Sorry it took so long! It’s been finals season, and since it’s such a heavy topic I wanted to be in a good headspace to work on it. Ya know?))

As someone who suffers from self harming ((I have an issue where I just scratch myself and my arms get scratched like crazy. They are vertical, so no one thinks they are ‘real’ self harming scars 🙄)) so writing George on a topic like this would be very comforting to me as well. Thank you for being so brave in asking 🫂 I’m so proud of you for speaking! This will be lovely

Kissable

George Weasley X AFAB reader

Warnings: 18+, heavy talks about Self Harm and Suicidal Ideations, gentle sex, lots of fluff and kisses, body positivity, disabilities, Umbridge, Fred gets to live because we need to lighten this heavy topic, lots of gentleness, wizarding war typical angst, deafness, body dysmphroia, it’s gonna be heavy and descriptive but also there is plenty of comfort to balance. Not sugar coating comfort. Sugaring coating can be so annoying. Trust me. I know

Life sure was different, when the war finally ended. The stress of it all was off everyone’s shoulders. The world was finally able to move forward. Death wasn’t at the doorstep. Life was suppose to be happier, but you still felt like it wasn’t. That you were holding yourself back. That even the battle of Hogwarts didn’t shake you back to reality. You felt bad, and George noticed.

“S’matter, jellybean?” He asked you, as he leaned himself against the railing. Having seen you space out again. Happened alot, but he noticed it more than ever now. As if he wanted to leave you to be stressed after all. This should be a happy time, but somehow it wasn’t.

“Just….Thinking.” You muttered, as you played with the end of your sleeves. You could hear him sigh, a deep one, as he watched. As if he knew something. Something you wish he didn’t. Seemed such a worry was made a reality, when you were both suddenly apparated into his office. A place for privacy, after all.

He’s been suspicious, but a constant wizarding war tends to take your mind off things. Along with busy with a school year, and starting up a business. Made any doubts get overrun with work, and stress, get covered. Not today, though. Not today.

“Love, we need to have a talk. A serious one, please.” That made your heart drop, as he would motion you to join him on the couch. You felt so terrified, as you were forced to sit next to him on it. Now having your hands held by his.

“You know I love you, and I want to take care of you. I love you so very much. We’ve been through so much together. You’ve been there for me, and I want to be there for you. You know that, right?” He asked, as you gave a sheepish nod. Wondering where this was going, but deep down knew he figured it out. He’s had it figured out for a while.

He’s not stupid, after all. You could only hide something like this for so long. Why you never turned on the light, how you used Umbridge as an excuse for anything that was accidentally seen. How you always wore long sleeves, even when going to bed. If you could hide your body, you did. But now? George could understand that pain, and he wasn’t having you suffer in silence anymore.

“Love, it’s ok. You know that, right? I’m not here to judge, or make fun of ya. Gonna be the last person to do that. I mean, look at me. Look at Billy boy. We know a thing or two about getting roughed up.” He tried to not directly say what he wanted to say, in a means to let you be the one to say it. To let YOU be in charge of it.

After the war, he just wasn’t the same. When Fred went in that coma, oh he was in utter hell. He was already recovering from his ear. Now he had to spend every day, wondering if his twin would live or die. How Umbridge caught wind of such a thing, and tried to pull something. Like trying to say Bill was qualified under the Werewolf laws. Oh life was hell, and he had to project somehow. Not the same as you, but to say there wasn’t a taste is an understatement.

“George, I really don’t want to talk about this-“ You tried to weasel out, but his grip on your hands only tightened. The sadness in his eyes left you frozen in place. He wanted to take care of you, and make sure you knew you were safe with him. Such a complicated mess it all was. Just made you feel worse, if anything.

“Love….Let me see you. Please. Let me see all of you. You see me, can I see you?” He tried, and your tears just welled up more. You couldn’t understand why he was doing this. Why he cared. Your brain just didn’t accept that people can love you. It’s hard to grasp.

“This is different-“ You tried. “Why is it different?” He rebutted. “It just is. It’s different when I do it-“ How the brain was complex, and a pain in the ass to have. Luckily, George knew a thing or two about them. You learn alot when running a joke shop. Kids come to you with so many problems. You learn things you don’t want to.

“I don’t want to force you, but I can’t have you suffer like this anymore. I’m not doing this to hurt you, Jellybean. You were there when I lost my ear. When I thought I was going to lose Fred. Umbridge, everything. Let me be there for you-“ He begged, as he forced your hand onto the side of his head.

Your palm would feel over the scars from the Potion Master Made Spell. How deep they were, and never seemed to properly heal. How familiar the texture was. The smoothness of cut flesh, as he no longer could hear. The lines that cut into his hair, cheek, and even face. It was nothing like what Bill suffered, but it hurt. Hurt no longer being identical.

With a shakey breath, you gave in. Ready to accept him screaming at you in disgust. To say all the mean things people have said to you before. Attention seeker, that you need to make them deeper already, that you look like a cutting board. Every insult, every mean remark. All of it. You accepted your fate, as you rolled up your sleeves.

The air was silent, but it wasn’t heavy. No, it was calm. Like the air was clear. For once, the weight was gone. You couldn’t understand why there was such a feeling of peace. Why wasn’t he looking at you with disgust? With hate? Why was he smiling?

“Hm, kinda remind me of Charlie. He’s got ink like crazy, same for Bill. You’ve seen them. Bills got these protection ruins, and Charlie has as many dragons as possible. You would look good with sleeves.” He smiled, as he gently held your wrist. Truly looking at them, and not flinching at all. He was looking at you. And wanting to make you feel like there was a chance you didn’t have to hide. That you were the center of it all. Not the scars. Not even asking why you had them. He didn’t need to know. He just wanted to know if you knew he could keep you safe.

The fact he started to kiss them was what had you sob. He was kissing something you hated so much. He was accepting it as a part of you. This was just what was part of your life. Your struggles. Your fears. Your hate. He was accepting that, because he loved you. You were what he cared about. Not what people thought.

It was such a tender moment, as you were able to let yourself cry. Let yourself have that good, needed, cry. All the while George took care of you. Kissing your scars, and holding you close. Just wanting you to know you were safe with him. Not rushing you. You never rushed him when he bursted into tears, no matter how random it was. So, you deserved that attention all the same.

“George…You know how I said I wanted us to wait until we were married?” You asked him, as you wiped your eyes. He would brush them aside, as well, as he nodded to you. Keeping his eyes glued with yours, as he tried to show you his full attention.

“It was kinda a lie. I didn’t want you to see me….But I think I’m ready now. I think you can see me now.” You consented, as he smiled. Clearly proud of such a big step. His pride made you want to cry more. There was no shame, or doubt, in those big brown eyes. He didn’t see you as any less, as before the topic was broached. It was as if you simply dyed your hair. It’s still you, under it all.

“I’ve been waiting for this, and I was willing to wait for never even.” He chuckled, as he kissed your cheek. Another reminder he was there for you. Not for some end goal. There was no end goal, with love. There was a continue. A continue for as long as the hearts wanted.

With a gentle kiss to your lips, the two of you were side alonged back into your shared flat. Fred would be able to handle the shop just fine, after all. It’s near closing anyway. With how close those two were, you wouldn’t be surprised if he knew where George went. Even as far as why.

“I’ve always wanted to see you. So badly.” He sighed, as he kissed you again. Gentle, and sweet. Not this heated passion in the books or movies. Just tender, and making sure you were taken care of. In every sense of the word. This was love, not sex.

Just gentle kisses, shared between you two, as he helps remove your clothes. Allowing more and more of you to be seen on the surface. Every cut, bruise, stretch mark, imperfection, whatever you had. He was able to finally see it all, and wouldn’t stop kissing each little dot on your skin.

It was so scary. Scary to allow him. He was so proud of you to allow him. To allow him to witness you whole. He was so damn proud. Couldn’t stop his kisses all over your skin. Along with a few little playful ones, like right on your nose. Just wanting to make you smile. Know that you were safe. No matter how vulnerable you were. You allowed him to feel safe, when he lost so much. It’s a crime to not return the favor.

Open mouth kisses would trail over your body, as he helped you lay down on the bed. Slow, sweet, and savoring it. Understanding just how important it all was. No need to rush. No need to treat it as a one and done. This a moment to share, between two people who loved each other. So very very very much.

“You really are beautiful. I know I know. I can say it all I want, but I mean it-!” He whined at the end, making you smile. Ever playful, no matter the mood. Was very soothing. Made any heavy topic easier to deal with. He just made life easier, and his smile could sooth any coals under your feet.

There was one more little kiss to your nose, before he finally allowed himself to strip. His own body full of scars from so many things. War, failed experiments, Umbridge, death eaters, blood purest’s, friends turned enemies, the list goes on. Those scars felt different to you. He didn’t ask for them, yet wasn’t ashamed of them either. The mind can truly be so warped, but George was always one to be fascinated by the world. Willing to dive into that hellscape you call a brain, because you are in there after all.

“You are so beautiful.” He just kept on saying, before his naked body was pressed against yours. Playful little kisses were pressed all over your face, as your skin felt his. Felt his scars on yours, yours were felt on his. Just pure skin contact, as he was holding you close. Loving every little part of you. If it was you, he loved it. Scars and all.

“I’m ready when you are. And if ready is never, eh. Who gives a shit?” He would place another kiss to your nose, before your hands were around his neck. You were trying to mentally psych yourself up, and he was more than happy to wait. Happy to just admire you. Big ole Brown eyes, and a freckled smile.

“Yeah. I’m ready.” You nodded, as he gave you another kiss. One arm was used to prop himself up, as the other found your slit. Just being very gentle, and stroking it. Not yet intruding, but just taking it nice and slow. He was no virgin, after all. But you were, and he was going to treat you right.

Slow, steady, and calculated. A man who was that of an inventor. He knew how to move his fingers. Gentle over your slit, almost ghosting it even. Made you crave more, in such a simple gesture. Those rough fingers on such a sensitive part of your body. All exposed to him.

A kiss to your neck was given, as he finally slipped them in. Had you shiver, but he kept planting kisses on you. Easing you into such a feeling you were growing costumed to. How you always loved his big and rough hands. Always brought you comfort. Now they were bringing you pleasure.

“You already feel so wonderful. Bloody amazing.” He whispered, as he would kiss along your jaw. Just two fingers pushing in and out of you. His thumb even working at your clit, and it had you whimper a bit. Such new stimuli, but he was keeping it slow and gentle. Easing you into it.

“Don’t be shy. I can only hear so much, have mercy on me.” He teases, as it helped bring you back to earth. That this isn’t just sex. You were making love with someone you love. Made you smile, as he kissed the corner of your mouth. Drinking in the soft little breaths you left for him, before he snuck a third finger in.

“Oh you are going to feel so bloody good. I just know it. I can hardly wait any longer.” He moaned for you, as he was picking up his speed. That earned him more sounds from you, as your walls were coating his fingers. Showing you were enjoying yourself, when your voice was lost.

“Are you ready, or was this enough for one day?” More reassurance. That even now, when he’s so close to getting his turn at pleasure, he wanted you to know it didn’t matter. You matter. Almost made you cry.

“I’m ready, Georgie. I mean it. For once, I’m ready.” You would cup his face, and admired him. Those warm eyes, that imperfect unsymmetrical face. Those freckles, those scars, and that beautiful toothy smile. That’s your man, and he was all yours. Never thought you deserved such a wonderful man in your life. In this moment though? You finally accepted it. Even if it was temporary, you were able to fight your brain long enough to say you deserved this man. Seemed George could even see it in your eyes, as he pulled you into a deep kiss.

The tip of his cock felt so hot. As if he was just twitching in need. Had you feel so beautiful. Beautiful to know he was that excited to be with you. Hard to fake a feeling like that, after all. That feeling of a throbbing cock. Just hungry to finally feel you. Feeling you, he did. Finally slipping inside, as you pulled him closer. Moaning into his mouth, as the gesture is returned.

You swore he might be feeling more pleasure from it than yourself. There was a morbid comfort in that. Knowing your body could do such a thing. Ever after so much, it could still do good. Made your body relax, and had you enjoy the ride all the better.

The feeling of his hips meeting yours, and how he rolled them. Feeling those hip bones against your soft flesh. It just itched a scratch you didn’t know you had. Feeling this slender man above you, with his arms tense. Those muscles showing themselves off to you. Freckled and scared. So beautiful to you.

The moans he gave you had you drunk. They sounded so good. You swore you could get off from them alone. The feeling of him moaning into your mouth, as he kept rolling his hips into yours. Fingers tangled together, as you both just enjoyed each other. No need for words. Just embracing what your bodies wanted. The feeling of connection, and love.

It was like a beautiful dream. Nothing else mattered, in that moment. Just the two of you. Making love, and enjoying each other’s company. To feel the air grow heated, and sweat build between you both. How those easy rolls grew in speed, and had you both gasping each other’s names. Fingers holding on tighter to each other, as if afraid to melt into nothing.

“You feel so good-“ He spoke so breathlessly, as he would keep thrusting into you. All the while you moan openly for him. Your hands were trapped under his own, and you would give him squeezes of delight into those callused fingers. Allowing yourself to be louder. A mixture of allowing yourself to enjoy it, and a need to make sure he could hear how much you were indeed enjoying it. It’s the least you can do. Small acts go a long way, and you witnessed such first hand tonight.

“I don’t think I’m going to last much longer-“ He admits, sounding so embarrassed. It was cute. He was always so cute. Had you smile, and he smiled back. Your smile seemed to comfort his blushing cheeks, as you two returned another kiss. A kiss, as his hips begun to thrust in an uneven pattern. Had you whimper for him, as he kept true to his word. He didn’t last any longer, and he was soon moaning your name into your mouth. Tangling it in your tongue, and his.

The heat inside felt so satisfying. To let yourself ride a high, and have it be with him. How your legs couldn’t stop themselves, and wrapped around him. Needing to have him as close as your bodies could allow it. As if needing to become one. It was truly like being a fire work. A burst of pleasure, and sounds. It all felt so good, and it truly did feel like it filled a void in your heart that you didn’t know you had.

Coming down from the high was treated slowly. The both of you savoring it. With him holding you, as he stayed where he was. His head snuggled into your neck, as you played with his hair. Your turn in giving him the gentle comfort. Allowing him to use his working ear to enjoy your breathing, and heart. No need to worry about words. Just gentle affection. Embracing each other, and enjoying a moment of existing.

“Worth the wait-?” You asked, as you two were finally in a more clear headspace. He took a moment to think, as he pulled out you. Had you whine, as you liked the feeling. That made him chuckle, as he was soon pulling a blanket over you both.

“Yes. Very much worth the wait.” He would reassure you, as he was now your big spoon. Making sure you felt safe, in yet another vulnerable moment. His legs tangled with yours, as he wrapped his arms around you. Giving you a hug, as he pressed his face in your neck. Enjoying your scent.

Tears slipped down your cheeks, but not out of sadness anymore. But pure relief. You will still have your dark days, but you had a bundle of sunshine to stay there. Stay, and wait, for when you could speak again. He wouldn’t leave you behind when things got rough. He was making sure of that. Not even processing how much this simple act of spoon was bringing such joy. He existed, and it made you existing easier.

“Love you, Georgie.” You said, as you stole a hand to kiss. His own lips returned the gesture, as they were right on your cheek. “Love you more, Jellybean.” He yawned.

That comfort of another body, it was just what you needed. For once, in a long time, you weren’t scared to fall asleep. You were happy to sleep. To get rest, even excited to wake up again. Because you knew one thing, and one thing that changed everything.

He would be there when you woke up, and that was what mattered. He would be there, every time you woke up, and sometimes that’s all it takes to make you wake up.

Your sunshine, always there when the rain clouds came. Always there, and will never leave.

[lovelywritinglady]

Strangers (Part.2)

Reiner Braun xfem!reader

Three years later and you finally meet him again. But this time as strangers. Will you reconcile?

Angst, mentions of trauma and death. Reiner has low self worth. Talk of suicide, blood, and violence. Fluff, happy ending…

Reiner’s Pov

It’s been three years to the day since the day I lost her. Every moment I’ve spent has been filled with memories of her. Her scent, touch, and voice fill me with sadness and regret. I need to see her, but she’s so far from me now. The future is so unpredictable now and war has been upon Marley for some time. I wonder what’s she’s doing. What she looks like now and how beautiful she’s gotten.

I stared at the sea, the very one that separates us. Wishing she were here to see what I see. Wishing I were holding her hand here, making her laugh, telling her jokes. But I’m not, and she’s not here. I’m scared I’ll never be able to see her again or hear her sweet voice calling my name.

“Damn it all.” I sighed breathing in the salty sea air. I was trying not to think of her anymore as I could feel tears beginning creep.

I began walking along the docs admiring the markets and people around me. I had no where in particular to go as it was my day off, which was rare. There were so many people out today and I found myself accidentally bumping into a few. My head was fuzzy as I tried to push my emotions back once more. I wasn’t looking where I was going this time and bumped into someone and made them fall to the ground. My thoughts came back to me and I focused on the person I accidentally shoved.

“I’m so sorry are you okay.” I said frantically not looking at their face still. I grabbed their hand as I pulled them up. I locked eyes with them and suddenly the whole world stopped. The very air from my lungs had left me and the tears that I was trying so desperately to hold back were starting to fall. As the very person I have needed, loved, and desired was right in front of me and I had just bumped into her.

“Y/n…”

Your pov

One hour earlier…

We finally docked onto Marley dressed as ordinary people because if even one person caught wind that there were enemies on this island, then all hell would break loose. Truthfully, the only reason we were here was to see the other side of the sea. For me, I came to see him. I needed to, my whole body craved it. I hate him, at least I think I do. I love him, but I know that I shouldn’t. Or should I?

Once we left the boat, we were each given time to explore. Levi instructed us to all meet by the woods by sundown as that’s where we’d be staying. He also suggested to go in pairs, but I was on a mission, one more important than anything else. I needed answers and I needed them from him. One hour later I somehow made it to a market filled with people and things I’d never seen before.

“Damn it all.” I sighed walking through a large crowd.

Despite my mission, I was simply awestruck by these people. Many of different faces than I had seen on my island. They were beautiful and it felt nice seeing so many happy people together. I thought about him walking through these very streets. Had he come here often? Was he even interested in markets? What was he doing now? All of those thought plagued my mine and made me feel hazy. Something shiny caught my eye and I turned to look at it from a distance. However, much to my bad luck, I wasn’t paying attention and got thrown off my feet by what felt like a ox.

“Ouch.” I whispered feeling the wind leaving my lungs slightly.

“I’m so sorry are you okay?” The rather familiar voice spoke out in concern.

And just as I was about to respond the figure grabbed my hand and began pulling me to my feet. Once I was balanced, I looked up. Shock waves shot through my body as the very persons I had sought out was right in front of me. The person I loved more than anything was right in front of me more handsome than he was when I lost him…

“Reiner?”

Reiner pov

“Y/n.” I whispered. “Are you real?” I asked not truly believing the breathtaking sight in front of me.

“I hope so.” She responded giving me a smile.

“Hi.” I said awkwardly 

“Hi.” She whispered

“How… how are you?” I asked her after a few moments of simply staring at the woman I loved.

“Relieved.” She replied as a year left her eye.

“Me too.” I admitted. “Y/n, you’re so beautiful.” I whispered breathlessly losing myself in her magical eyes.

“Thank you.” She whimpered as more tears left her.

“Here, please.” I told her as I reached into my coat pocket, taking out a clean handkerchief and handing it to her. As I did, our hands brushed slightly making me let go of a breath that I didn’t even realize I was holding.

“Oh thank you.” She said quickly as she wiped her tears.

“Wanna go somewhere more private?” I asked her hoping she’d say yes.

“Yeah, as long as you don’t try anything mister.” Y/n joked chuckling a bit as I laughed too.

“Don’t worry, I’ll take good care of you.” I joked back.

“I hope so.” She spoke in a hushed whisper and I could tell she meant to say that to herself so I didn’t respond back.

“I have a good spot on the beach that should be pretty private.” I told her.

“Do you take all of your girls there?” She joked nudging my shoulder slightly. I missed this. I missed her. I just hope that I can find the perfect words to say to her.

“Nah, just you.” I replied seriously looking at her for a moment as we walked side my side to the beach.

“Good.” She smiled

After a few moments of walking and small talk, we made it to my spot. I helped her down to this small cave that most locals didn’t bother going to as it wasn’t as exciting as the rest of Marley. It was a peaceful little cave that was about 6 feet wide and 10 feet long. At the very end of it, you could see the water rising and falling. The sounds of the waves crashing echoed through the spot making a private conversation possible.

“It’s beautiful here. Good spot there Reiner.” She complimented looking around the sea cave. “As beautiful as it is, I need to speak to you about not so pretty things. But I think you know that.” She told me seriously looking straight into my eyes.

“I agree. What do you want to speak about. I promise to tell you anything you’d like to know.” I reassured her.

“Who are you?” She asked simply.

No one’s pov

“My name is Reiner Braun. I’m a warrior of Marley and I’m the holder of the armored titan.” Reiner replied seriously as he stood to the wall of the cave.

“Is see. Who else are you?” You questioned him trying to assess him.

Reiner stilled for a moment trying to decipher the right words to say and what you meant in that very moment.

‘Who am I?’ Reiner thought to himself

The two of you sat in silence for what felt like an eternity, but was really just a few minutes. Reiner had forced himself into an internal conflict with himself at your question. He hasn’t really given who he really was much thought for a long time. He thought he knew, he thought that after the battle at Wall Maria, that he knew who he was. However, with you standing right in front of him after so many years apart, he began questioning everything once again. He took a deep breath letting the salty sea air fill his lungs. He then looked into your eyes giving you a pained, but loving look as the words he needed finally came to him.

“Y/n… I’m not just Reiner Braun, Warrior of Marley. I’m also…” Reiner paused for a moment. “I’m also a man so desperately and completely still and utterly in love with the woman who stands in front of me. And with everything that I have and everything that I am. I’m so sorry for everything that I put you through on your island. For every death, every shitty memory you have because of me, for all of the people I’ve hurt. All I want is to die because of it I know I deserve to suffer for all f the shit I pot you and everyone else through. But I’m not sorry for falling in love with you. For wanting to be with you and for all of the years that I’ve spent missing you.” Reiner admitted as he began sobbing at all of the memories that he had.

“Reiner…” you sighed fresh tears beginning to spill. You couldn’t think of what to say as the confession that you wanted to hear but weren’t sure you are going to receive was just announced by him.

All you could do in that very moment was warp yourself around him. All you could think was to hold him. Your anger was overlooked my your intense love for this man, for Reiner Braun. You held him so tightly against you not wanting to let him slip away once again. You felt him stiffen slightly but hold you just as tightly. You felt him nuzzle into your hair.

“Oh Y/n, baby, I’m so sorry. I love you.” He spoke desperately feeling free that he was able to tell you the words he’s been waiting years to finally say once more.

“I missed you.” You admitted feeling anxious about saying it back but knowing you needed to. You turned your head up looking into his honey colored eyes and finally spoke the words that you were needing to say. “I love you too. I never stopped.” You told him still holding onto his muscular body.

“Good.” He whispered giving your forehead a affectionate kiss.

“You really hurt me though Reiner and despite the years apart, I’m still hurt.” You said feeling the pain you had felt for the last three years come back however a little less this time.

“I know, and I understand if it will take you time. Just know that I’ll wait as long as you want because you’re worth everything y/n.” Reiner says holding you against him once more.

“Thank you, I think I might have to go soon. But please let me stay here for a little while longer.” You pleated.

“Darling, you can stay here until time itself comes to an end.” Reiner spoke seriously

“Good, because I never want this feeling to end. And I promise you will see me again.” You said kissing his chest.

“I’m looking forward to it, Y/n…”

Thank you so much for reading💜This is the last part of this. Although I might and a prequel to this short series about how these two met and how they feel in love.

@dressycobra7

Please click here to see what I’ll write for and HERE for my master list.

Please feel free to like, comment,follow, request, and reblog.

•I do NOT own any characters except y/n•

-L.W.L

[kerwynlar]

Good Man

A Belly Kink Fic by Kerwynlar

The aristocratic author Lord Woolsey has found that he thinks best on a full stomach. A very full stomach. His butler is only all too happy to help out.

Tags: Explicit, Belly Kink, Burping, Overeating, Stuffing, Weight Gain, Enthusiastic consent but problematic power dynamic, implied/referenced sexual content

Note: This work was inspired by the excellent At His Service by pizza_my_heart. In that story the author does a beautiful job of putting the employer and the butler on equal footing. That's not what is going on here. While enthusiastic consent is given in this story, the power dynamic here makes the consent, at least the initial consent, dubious at best. In the real world this would be very fucked up. If you agree that it's hot in fiction, please read on. Basically all of my fics are built around very loving healthy relationships. This is not that.

1,163 words. Read it below or on AO3.

~*~

Reginald Montcrieff was not sitting idly fantasizing about his employer eating. Reginald Montcrieff was very busy balancing the household accounts. He had certainly not been staring blankly at the page for nearly half an hour, stirring at every half-sound that might be the bell summoning him to the dining room. 

Reginald was not picturing the plates heaped with eggs, bacon, toast, sausage, beans, and tomatoes that he had served to his employer, Lord Peter Halberd Woolsey. He was certainly not picturing forkful after heaping forkful passing Lord Woolsey’s lips. And by no means was Reginald’s mouth watering at the thought of all that food heaped into his employer’s already rounded belly, stretching it and weighing it down, expanding it within the increasingly tight confines of his clothing. 

The bell from the dining room finally rang and Reginald stood so fast, he nearly knocked over his chair.

---

Lord Woolsey was, at least according to the press, one of the greatest minds of his generation. His first two treatises on political philosophy were considered required reading for anyone seriously concerned with public affairs and were discussed and quoted from the coffee shops of the intelligentsia, to university classrooms, to the great halls of Parliament. He was currently penning his third, widely anticipated, treatise. 

While he was writing his second book, Lord Woolsey discovered that he thought best on a full stomach. A very full stomach. 

Reginald had been a footman during the writing of that second book and had marveled at the sight of the platters that had been taken into the dining room and equally marveled at the fact that they were all empty when returned to the kitchen. 

But only the butler, whose duties included being the lord’s personal attendant, was permitted to interact with Lord Woolsey when he was writing. His lordship said that he needed to keep his mind clear of extraneous voices when writing. 

Following the publication of the second book, when Reginald was once again permitted in a much more corpulent Lord Woolsey’s presence, the lord had begun to notice him. The notice turned to interest and conversation. Eventually Reginald had been invited to Woolsey’s bed. He had been assured that it was an invitation, not an order, and he had been more than happy to accept. 

“Would you like a promotion, dear Reg?” Woolsey had asked him one night as he watched Reginald dress after an encounter that had been pleasurable for both of them. 

“I wish to serve you, sir,” Reginald had replied easily. “However you see fit.” 

“I’ll be writing again soon.” Woolsey ran a hand over his soft belly. Reginald didn’t bother to hide his appreciative look. Woolsey saw it and grinned. “You know about my… eccentricities when I’m writing?” 

Reginald swallowed. “Yes, sir. As much as I can from the outside.” 

“You’d be prepared to cater to them?” 

Woolsey liked it when he was bold on occasion. Reginald climbed back on the bed and crawled up to him. He leaned over and kissed Woolsey’s plush belly. “Yes, sir,” he said quietly. “Whatever you need. Anything you want.” 

The other butler had been fired the next day and Reginald had taken his place. 

——— 

When Reginald entered the dining room, Woolsey was leaning back in his chair, eyes closed, and both hands rubbing his belly. Reginald felt his mouth go dry. Woolsey’s belly was straining against his waistcoat and trousers. 

“Was everything to your liking, sir?” Reginald asked as he began clearing the empty plates. 

“Oh ye- UUUUUURRRRRP! Oh my, excuse me, Reg. Uurrp!” 

Heaven help him, Reginald was getting excited by his employer belching. 

“Nothing to worry about, sir,” Reginald replied more smoothly than he felt. 

“And yes, tell Cook that I’ll want the same again tomorrow. Buuurrrp! With perhaps a few more sausages and a bit more toast.” 

More? Reginald could scarcely believe it, but all that was left on the plates he was clearing was crumbs. 

“Shall- shall I bring you anything else now sir?” 

Woolsey smiled at him. “Good man. But no, I’m quite satisfied for now.” He frowned suddenly and rubbed a particular area of his belly, then pushed on it and immediately let loose a thunderous belch. “Mm, pardon me, dear Reg,” he breathed. “I hope I don’t offend you.” 

“Not in the slightest, sir.” 

Not in the slightest. Did Woolsey have any idea? He certainly knew how Reginald worshipped his belly in bed, how he loved the round shape of it, its soft plushness. But this? Woolsey’s overindulgence and the evidence of it? Well, if Woolsey knew he likely wouldn’t mind. There was no doubt he enjoyed when Reginald was aroused. 

Woolsey belched again and gave a quiet groan, his hands roaming his large belly. “Ah, that’s good,” he sighed. Woolsey gave his belly another pat then sat up. “Come, dear Reg,” he said. “Give me a hand up. I’m positively weighed down by that lovely meal.” 

Reginald quickly put down the plate he was about to take to the dumbwaiter and hurried over to help Woolsey out of his chair. As he heaved Woolsey to his feet, he felt his employer’s eyes on his face. 

“You’re looking a little flushed, Reg,” Woolsey said, reaching up to stroke his cheek. Woolsey chuckled and Reginald tried not to notice the movement of his belly. Though that was more difficult when Woolsey took Reginald’s hand and placed it on the curve of his belly. “You like this, don’t you?” Woolsey asked quietly. “You like to see me plumped up with a meal. You always do like my belly. Can you imagine how fat I’ll get writing this book? I’m only on the second chapter, and I have lots more to say.” 

Reginald gasped. He was painfully hard. 

Woolsey glanced down and chuckled again. “Now what shall we do about that, hmm?” 

“S-sir…” Reginald stuttered. 

“I need to go write my book, dear Reg,” Woolsey said quietly, moving forward so his belly was inches from Reginald’s groin. “And I suggest you take a few minutes to compose yourself. But think how big I’ll be tonight after a nice big lunch of roast chicken and then beef and potatoes for dinner, hmm? I’ll be swollen and sluggish. Too full of food to really fuck you. You’ll need to ride my cock. But you’ll do that, won’t you dear Reg?” 

“Y-yes, sir!” Reginald couldn’t have controlled his breathing if his life depended on it. 

“That’s my good man.” Woolsey reached up to stroke Reginald’s cheek again. “You’ll look so pretty straddling my lap, your hands on my stuffed gut. You’ll be ready for me tonight, won’t you Reg?” 

“Yes, sir,” Reginald gasped out. 

Woolsey pressed Reginald’s hand to his belly and gave two quick strokes to the outline of Reginald’s cock clearly visible through his trousers. 

“See that you are,” Woolsey said, and stepped back, surveying Reginald with a smile. He chuckled and left the room. 

Reginald barely got his fly open fast enough. 

~*~

Thanks for reading! If you enjoyed this, I appreciate you letting me know. I have another chapter partially written, and I'm more likely to finish and post if I know it will get readers.

[websterss]

A PIVOTAL FATE — LOKI LAUFEYSON

SUMMARY: Just as Frigga tried, you attempted to talk to Loki to try and reassure him about the damage done on Midgard. You and his mother were the only ones who saw the greater good in him when everyone else declared him a monster.  

WARNING(S): Angst, mentions of dying  

WORD COUNT: 1,697

PAIRING: Loki Laufeyson x fem!Reader  

A/N: I hope you enjoy it! While I work on requests, enjoy some of my own works I wanted to put out there! Feedback is always welcomed!

MASTERLIST

They say love in its truest form, only happens in fairytales, stories told by dreamers, stories conjured up from hopeful thinking and wishing. The type of love that is too good to be true because it is...

The type of love people warn the ones falling in love about. Trying to save them the hassle of getting their hearts torn in two. Yet that person falls or the person they shouldn’t, and it becomes either the best thing ever or their biggest downfall.

Yeah...well, they forgot to mention that would become your reality. A typical tragic love story in the making. One that the TVA made sure would happen and continue to let happen because, to them, it was the flow of time.

It was your glorious destiny, and it was utter bullshit, to Loki at least.

“I thought I told Mother I wanted no visitors.”

“I think you can make an exception for me.” You entered past the barrier surrounding his cell. Your eyes roamed around the space finding that the things you and his mother requested to be brought to him were in use. You hummed quietly to yourself as you stepped closer to the table of stacked books and found the one you wanted him to read. He was reading it. The giveaway away...the bent corner of a page. “I hope you have found everything to your liking.” You set the book down and clasped your hands behind your back. Walking towards Loki who refused to meet your gaze. 

“Are you real?” His head shifted up only the slightest. He was hopeful. 

“You know better than to question it, my love. I cannot project myself like your mother.”

“Are you real?” He asked again. He needed that reassurance. He needed you to be physically present before him rather than a projected image of yourself. 

You simply smiled fondly, bringing an arm out from behind you. Making a grabbing motion towards him. Loki’s eyes met your stretched-out hand and felt a pull. His own body moved before him and before he knew it his palm smoothed onto yours. You carefully watched his hard demeanor change. The once brooding hard stare he had was replaced with sudden relief. His hand slid up your palm, to your wrist, to hold onto your upper arms, to finally caress the side of your face. 

“I’m real. I’m here.” Loki simply nodded. Though it wasn’t nearly enough to bring his guard down.

“How long?”

“Not long.” You closed your eyes, wanting to relish in the touch and presence of your husband. “Your father adores me enough to appease any wishes I may have, but he is the king after all. No amount of time he gave will suffice as enough.” You frowned, uneasy.

“Then let us not waste any more of it. Here.” Loki brought his other arm around you, gently pressing your head on his shoulder. Holding you close. 

“I’ve missed you dearly.” You breathed in his scent. Basking in his embrace that you felt was absent.

“We vowed till the end of time. Now that I spend time thinking about it. It does sound a bit absurd. There are about an infinite amount of worlds. Universes even!” Your eyes grew. “There’s a balance. One cannot simply live forever.” You shook your head. “I’d be a prune by then!”

“I’d love you even then.” Loki dwelled in the moment of your happiness.

His heart swelled when your eyes flashed, unsettled, weary. Breaking the trance you both in.

"It is not fair. Why must I be punished, I understand their precaution but I simply cannot do without you. Your father has offered me one visitation per every full moon. He wishes for you not to gain a big head. By limiting our time with one another, you'll learn to realize how you are to answer for your actions...I am with child!" You gasp, not feeling strong enough to hold it in. After the King announced your one day per the moon to visit him, you couldn't bear the idea of keeping it from him.

"You...what?" Loki glanced down at your stomach.

"We are to be parents..." You mustered a quick laugh as tears began to fill your eyes. "We have been blessed!" You brought his hands up to place them upon your dress. You tilted your head in hopes of gathering a reaction from him. "Please say something..."

"If I'd known...I wouldn't have gone to such lengths."

"Yes you would have...you were angry. But I'd eventually would have worked to grant you forgiveness. Just as now." You were torn from the inside, thinking of the days ahead of you, the moons that would pass, the various days, minus the one where you would be without him, where he wouldn't stand by your side and care for you as he'd done so before. The bedridden sickly days didn't sound so appealing knowing you'd go about them alone. "Perhaps if I tell the King, he'd grant us more days. Surely he would, yes? He wouldn't be so cruel to keep apart parents in waiting. Surely not my Loki, yes?" Your chest began to rise and fall heavily. You were panicking, and he was solely broken by the heart.

"I don't think he would, my love." He cupped the back of your hair and laid you against his chest. Your head was positioned over his heart.

"I couldn't keep such news to myself. I found out during your sentencing."

"Who else knows?"

"Your mother, your brother..." You trail off, feeling him stiffen underneath you on his bed. "I did not feel like keeping him unaware. He is my family as well." You remind him. "They are it, and us."

"I fear my mother may bring the news to my father. To sway him."

"I would never beg for something more than your releasement."

"Don't strain yourself, my love. I will be living well, and situated here for a while, I'm afraid."

"I will murder the King if you are not by my side the day of the birth." His chest rumbles with laughter upon your declaration. "I do not jest."

"Settle yourself...I would rather die than miss it." He peers down at you. "I am pleased you told me."

"I am well now, knowing that you know of it." You lean upward and peck his lips. Your lips clashed sweetly and slowly. Time was never granted for you both, that's how it always was in your younger years. One would be pulled away, one would be occupied, one had princeling duties, while the other helped her mother in the markets. You both were constantly on limited time and always would be.

You pulled apart when a rasp against the walls appeared. Thor. He sought to be the one to look over your visitations. You had thanked him for it. The King allowed you mere minutes with your beloved. Thor granted you double the amount. He knew he and Loki butted heads on occasion, but he knew his brother's love for you ran eternally.

"I do not wish to part." Your lips tremble.

"We have the next full moon, remember." You nodded solemnly at him.

"The days will drag, they will feel never-ending." You pout.

"Think of them as one day closer to being here with him." He leans in to kiss your temple.

"Til the next full moon..." You reach forward to cup his face for another kiss.

"We will have it always..." Loki pulls away. Allowing you to stand and collect yourself. But before you go you reach upwards your neck and unclasp your flower necklace. He begins to protest as you place the item he gifted you in his palm.

"So the days won't drag on for you. A happy reminder."

"You always are in my heart. I don't need a token to remind me of it."

"It'll be our trade then. A game of such. I want it back next full moon with a paraphrase of your latest book. Something for us to look forward to."

"I deem it only fair to do the same then." He unclasped his bracelet you had gifted him one solstice. "So the days won't drag my love." He pecked you one last time and sent you on your way.

"I love you my Loki."

"I love adore and love you both." The notion of mentioning you and your unborn child warmed your heart. You left him that night, content and with a smile on your face.

One he'd never see again.

-

"I love you, my Loki.""I love you, my Loki.""I love you, my Loki.""I love you, my Loki.""I love you, my Loki."

Mobius held his nose as the video replayed again and again. He hadn't known how many times Loki replayed that phrase, but it didn't change the fact that he was still in denial of your death.

You had been with his child, and now you were simply gone.

"Loki-" Mobius interjected his inner turmoil.

"She can't be gone..."

"She is Loki, and in every universe. She suffers the same fate and the same ending. That will never change."

"Why not!"

"It's a pivotal event in the timeline. If she hadn't died that day then it would have caused a branch out in the timeline. We must allow the timeline to flow in its designated and orderly manner. Any slightest change in the timeline, something as small as someone deciding to go left instead of right, will create a catastrophic disaster."

"Why wife's death is not pivotal, nor should it have been!" Loki could no longer hold his anger. "She was good, pure, and held the kindest heart. She was my other half, and now you say that's all she'll forever be. A pivotal event in a timeline!"

"You can't change her fate, Loki. I'm sorry." Mobius sympathized with the variant.

Loki pressed his back against a wall and slid down. Placing his head in between his legs. Lost in the thought of your laughter, your smile. Things he'd never experience again. He broke as the first sob rumbled in his chest.

[writingsfromhome]

Shedding Memories

A/N: just a quick fic of running into Harry when you both need a friend. I wrote this p quickly so ignore any mistakes. Happy holidays everyone :)

———————————

The part I liked about getting the closing shift was that I could put on my music and completely zone out.

Dealing with the public was a shitty job, no matter the capacity, and zoning out let me compose myself before heading home.

But tonight, a customer stays hunched in the corner seat. I had called out to everyone 15 minutes ago that we were closing in a half hour and by now nearly everyone was gone. The last few people pack up, yet corner guy remains.

“Hi,” I say from behind him. “We’re closing very soon just wanted to let you know.”

“Yep. I’ll be off soon,” he says. His voice is rough and low, a slight accent to it. But he kinda mumbles so I could be imagining it.

But he’s not off soon. I put up all the chairs, lock the doors to anyone new, and wipe down the tables. It’s officially 10pm but the guy’s ass is as glued as it was when he first sat down.

I don’t know how long he’d been here for actually. I got in at 5 and he’d been there with a steaming cup of something. But he just stayed there save for one refill, all evening.

Was he homeless? I examine his hoodie and baggy jeans. They seemed more stylish than survival.

“Hi s’cuse me sir,” I drop the customer service voice a notch and stand next to him. He was really putting a wrench in my evening plans. “I’m sorry to kick you out but it is 10 which is when we close. So I do have to ask you to leave.”

God I hated this shit. Why couldn’t he just leave like a normal person!? And tonight of all nights I’d told my closing partner he could leave early for a date night. I wish I hadn’t. It would’ve felt safer kicking this guy out with another dude around.

“Sorry,” the guy says. His face is mostly covered by his hoodie and he turns away to pull something from his pocket. I watch wearily but it’s just his phone. He sighs and puts it face down. “Is there any chance I can stay here while you clean up?”

“I’m sorry no.” I wasn’t allowed to do that. “Is your phone dead? You can use ours if you need to call for someone?”

He sighs again, like he alone was carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders and I just wasn’t being understanding enough.

Stop judging so much, I chide myself. Maybe he has a tough life.

“Look, I…” I stop mid-sentence and my mouth stays in the shape of the vowel as he lifts his head up. Is it just me or did he look like global pop-sensation and former boy band member Harry Styles!?

He notices my expression and grimaces.

Okay, it had to be him. And I was acting like a total freak right now.

“Sorry.” I take a step back and bump into the broom I’d balanced on the chair behind me. It clatters to the floor and I jump.

“It’s alright,” he leans down and picks it up for me. Harry Styles was handing me the broom I was meant to close with. I was dreaming. “I didn’t mean to cause any trouble.”

“Are you…in trouble?” I couldn’t wrap my head around why a guy like him would spend the whole evening in the corner of a coffee shop, staring at the wall. And then ask to stay while I closed.

He looks at me for a beat, his eyes are every bit intense as I assumed they would be. In real life, his beauty is a lot more breathtaking than photos. Or maybe I was just having some sort of breakdown. And he’s at least 7 inches taller than me, so he towers over me and I feel nothing but intimidated.

“Fuck. Sorry. Wait.” I shake my head. I have to look away from him. I had to clear my head!

I walk with the broom to the register. “Stop acting like a weirdo!” I whisper to myself.

Harry Styles was in my coffee shop. I was alone with Harry Styles in my coffee shop. What the hell was this? Wattpad?

I turn back around, but he’s looking out the window.

“Sorry. I’m being super weird right now but I wasn’t expecting…you. To be the guy I’m trying to kick out!”

“It’s fine.” He turns back to me.

“I don’t want to be nosy and pry but um, is everything okay? Did you need…help?”

His face loosens a bit with a small smile. I look past him so I can continue having this conversation and not require an inhaler for the first time in my life.

“It would help if I can stay here while you clean up actually.”

“Yeah! Okay…I mean I’m not supposed to but you’re like, Harry Styles? I’m sure my manager would not mind a single bit. She plays your songs all the time it’s basically part of onboarding. By the time we know all the drinks on the menu we also know all your lyrics and I….I’m gonna shut up.”

I turn back with the broom and start sweeping. Was I too awkward? Was I even sweeping like a normal person? Oh god was I being too stiff. Did I forget how to sweep???

I pause.

Maybe I should ask him another question. Maybe-

“I don’t want to get you in trouble uhm-,” I turn and he’s speaking to me 10 feet away. He squints at my name tag.

“Y/N.” I say it for him.

“Y/N. I can leave if I’m gonna get you in trouble-“

“No. No it’s okay! Seriously just sit wherever. But I will put on my own music while I close up, and you’ll have to suffer through it.”

“I don’t consider listening to music suffering.” He jokes. He makes a joke! With me!

“Well then you’ll love Baby Shark,” I joke back. He tilts his head—the joke doesn’t land. “Bad joke. Nevermind. I’m a Phoebe Bridgers fan so just prepare to be in your feelings!”

“I love her,” Harry nods approvingly. “Play on.”

As Phoebe’s distinct voice plays through the speakers I find myself relaxing, mouthing the words, and getting lost in the closing up routine. Of course, I never forget Harry Styles was sitting in the corner. If I did I would be belting the songs out loud. But it starts to feels less dreamy and the randomness begins to flatline to normal.

“Okay, I’m just gonna toss these out.” I shake the unglamorous bags of trash in my hands a half hour later. “And then I’m kicking both of us out.”

“Let me give you a hand.” Before I could protest Harry freaking Styles takes the trashbag from my hand and walks to the back door.

“Whaaaat,” I whisper to myself before scurrying behind him.

He tosses it with ease. I’m sure he had amazing arms under that baggy hoodie of his. He could probably toss me as easily—

I needed to chill.

“Do you have a ride?” I ask as we wash hands. “I can give you a lift somewhere? Unless your car’s outside? Um. Yeah. You probably have your own car nevermind.”

He’s silent, maybe I needed to shut up and stop blabbering.

“I take it you haven’t seen the news.” He leans back against the counter, drying his hands.

“News? Do people still watch that?” Bad joke. Stop talking.

“Uh,” his eyes crinkle slightly. “Social media. Whatever.”

“Nope. Been a busy day.”

“Right…”

“Something happened right? That’s why you’re hiding out here.”

“Yep,” he nods.

“Did your nudes leak or something?”

He looks at me, one brow raised. Fuck! I feel the blood rush to my face.

“Sorry! I am so out of my depth right now and I don’t know why I said that! That was bad. It’s just the worst thing that came to mind I-“

I register his shoulders shaking at first and then he’s doubling over laughing. I stare at first but then I chuckle with him. I’m too nervous to actually laugh at whatever’s happening even though I know looking back I definitely will.

“That’s alright,” he’s grinning when he looks back up. I would be mesmerized by it if his hood hadn’t slipped back to reveal no fucking hair.

“What…is that…?”

“What?” When I point to his head he touches it. He seems to remember himself. “Oh. I forgot I’d done that.”

“That’s new? Is that what’s out there? Is that why you’re hiding?”

“It’s not really new. I cut it all off yesterday-“

“I think you did more than cut it.” It was basically buzzed.

He laughs again and I feel bubbly inside. The bubbles fill me with a weird energy—just as long as it didn’t bubble up out of my mouth and come out in babbling I didn’t have to worry. I cover my mouth to contain any nervous words just in case.

“Why are you covering your mouth? Is it that bad?”

He looks into the warped reflection on the coffee machine. It didn’t look bad.

“It’s different. You’re known for your hair y’know? It’s not bad…just wow. Different.”

“Different’s not bad?”

“No! We’ll just need to get used to it. Honestly you kind of pull the whole buzzed look off. I bet if you grew out like a proper moustache it could be really…”

Thank god I stop myself this time. Because I was going to say a word I would definitely be mortified by.

“Really?” He smirks.

“Cool.” I finish lamely. “So um. Anyway. Are you good or should I drive you somewhere? Are you in trouble with the police or something?”

“I could use a ride…” He says with a slight cringe. “Is that something you’re alright doing?”

“Yeah! I was just gonna go home and stuff my face with leftovers before falling asleep in front of like, Gilmore Girls or something.”

“That’s a good show. That sounds like a nice time actually.”

“Does it? Because I regretted saying it as soon as it came out of my mouth.”

“Do you have a filter?” He asks but he smiles, he wasn’t annoyed. Not yet at least.

“Usually. But I also don’t normally have casual conversations with people I only ever see on the news or on my phone.”

“Do people still watch the news?”

It dawns on me slowly, he was making fun of me and repeating the question I asked earlier. I cover my face with my hands and he laughs. It’s such an intoxicating sound. And I really want to stop feeling like an idiot.

“I’m just bothering you,” hands come down on my wrist and oh my fuck he was touching me! He tugs at my hands and I drop them, still unable to meet his eyes.

I stuff my hands in my pocket. “I know. I’m probably going to lie awake for hours tonight thinking about every embarrassing thing that’s come out of my mouth.”

“No look,” he steps in front of me. He puts his hands on his chest and I notice the rings on his fingers, his tattoos. This was really Harry Styles in front of me.

“No look at me.” He tries to get my attention again. “See, I’m just a person. Just like you. Yeah I sing and shit but I’m just a guy.”

“You say that like I don’t have the world’s worst history with guys.” I finally make the push to look up into his face. I had an even worse history with attractive guys. “But I understand what you’re trying to achieve. And I appreciate it. You’re just shmegular and I can stop being a weirdo.”

“My phone works.” He says suddenly. “I just turned it off because I have a million people calling and texting me for some sort of response.”

I don’t reply, unsure where he was going.

He didn’t really have to make all this effort to make me comfortable but I recognize why he’s doing it; trying to bring himself down to earth for me. And it’s sweet and endearing and I want to tell him he didn’t have to do that. That I would help him out even if he wrote me a note, simply because he was Harry freaking Styles. But I just stay quiet for the first time tonight.

“Someone leaked pap photos of my girlfriend cheating on me.”

I gasp, I can’t help it. “I’m sorry. Harry. I-That’s an awful fucking way to find out.”

“It…” he glances around as if we weren’t the only two people around. “I shouldn’t be saying this but. It was just for show. The relationship, I mean. The guy in the photo’s her actual boyfriend so I don’t really care. Never wanted to do this fake shite in the first place but I was kinda forced to by my management. It promoted my new single, and her new show or whatever.”

“Oh.” I guess that’s the way his world worked. My world was begging my coworker to change shifts with me so I could have my weekly mental breakdown in private.

“Yep. So everyone is expecting me to give a statement, play the part of jilted boyfriend, but I can’t be arsed by any of it. I just want everyone to leave me alone.”

“So you holed up in the corner of this coffee shop, and stared at that wall for the last like…how many hours?”

“I lost count.” He shrugs. “And I did have a book I was reading. I wasn’t just staring at the wall.”

I shrug, “I’m not judging. I stare at the wall a lot. Especially on my breaks.”

He laughs again, and it breaks the serious air around his story.

“So where am I taking you if you’re avoiding everyone? Do you have a hotel room or?”

“It’s probably swimming in paps.” He sighs.

“So wild idea. I have a couple roommates who are supposed to be out tonight. Do you want to stay at my place until you feel like answering your phone?”

His face looks so hopeful for a second. “No. I can’t do that to you.”

“Remember when I detailed my evening plans? It’s honestly nothing.”

He gets all broody as he shakes his head. “No. I don’t want to drag you into it-“

“Look you’re in disguise. I live far away from whatever hotel you can afford that no one will see you. And I can drop you off on a street corner tomorrow morning whenever you want.”

“Like a hooker?”

“Yeah. We can play reverse pretty woman.”

He smiles. I stare.

“Fine. Yeah. Alright.”

“Alright! Let me turn out the light and we’ll go.”

So that’s how I find myself driving Harry Styles to my apartment, realizing the closer we get to home how filthy I had left my room.

“Don’t judge please,” I say in the elevator up. “But our apartment is not magazine worthy. It’s just home.”

“Home sounds nice,” he says. His hoodie’s back up and covering most of his face. It feels silly talking to him like this.

“Stay here,” I instruct him when we walk in. I zip into my room, it’s not as bad as it could be but I move all the dirty laundry to the hamper, gather the papers on my desk in one pile, shove my makeup back into a drawer, and gather as many empty cans and glasses into my hands to take back to the kitchen.

When I go back to him he’s standing exactly where I left him.

“Okay. So I only have leftovers. Chinese. Are you hungry? I can order us something else or-“

“No that sounds perfect.”

“Does it?” I tell him to come in and he follows me to the kitchen, sitting down at the island as I pull plates and containers out. “Okay just fill your plate and I’ll heat it up. Are you sure this is alright?”

“You’ll be surprised at my diet when I’m on tour. It starts out good but by the end of it I want to get my stomach pumped for all the shite I put into it. This looks delicious.”

I dish out dinner for us and decline his request to help. I try not to be hyperaware of him watching me move around our small kitchen, and focus on thinking of him as a guest. That’s it.

“So um, why the haircut?” I ask as I carry the plates to my room. I had the biggest room in the house and by biggest that simply meant I could afford a queen sized bed and my closet could fit all my clothes. I’d been living here for the last year and a half with my two roommates.

“Eh,” he runs his hand over his head. I was really tempted to do it, see what it felt like. But I refrain. Obviously. “Turning over a new leaf? In a lot of cultures, hair symbolizes a lot. I felt like starting fresh, and getting rid of all of it would just help.”

“Yeah I’ve heard of that. Like the hair that’s grown has witnessed everything over the last few years—at least if you grow it long enough to last a few years.”

“Hm yeah,” he says between bites. I can’t believe Harry Styles was eating last night’s leftovers with me. “Exactly.”

“Maybe I should chop most of my hair off.” I muse. “I could use that new leaf shit.”

“Why?” Harry asks bluntly. I nearly choke on a piece of broccoli. “Sorry. I’m being the nosy one aren’t I?”

“No,” I clear my throat. “Just wasn’t expecting it.”

“You don’t have to answer.” He smiles, god did he have to look so charming? “But I’d love to know what memories your hair holds.”

Damn. He had a way with words.

He’s an artist, I think. Duh.

“Let’s see.” I hold the bottom few inches. “Quitting my fancy job because I was burnt out and going through an existential crisis.” I climb higher and hold the next few inches. “Traumatic breakup with my long-term guy. How could a lawyer date a barista after she’d been a doctor y’know? A power couple can’t include a lowly job like a barista.” I roll my eyes like I wasn’t going to cry all over again, and hold another inch. “And this here is me grieving everything I thought my life was going to be.”

He’s silent for a bit. I think I’ve actually shocked him into silence. I almost laugh.

He puts his plate down and leans over, topping the top of my head. “This?”

The spot where he touched my head thrums. I think about the last year of my life. “Realizing my identity isn’t my career. And that for the first time in my life I can pursue my passions.”

“Hm.” He nods. “That’s a good realization.”

“Yeah, it really was for me.”

“I don’t have any boundaries between my identity and my life…” he goes silent again. I know he’s thinking so it doesn’t feel awkward. I go back to my dinner.

“So what’s the passion you’re pursuing?” He asks. Probably to change the subject.

“Well…” I put my plate down and walk to my closet, sliding open the door. I point to the floor. His face scrunches and he gets up to get a closer look.

“Do you sing or something?” He asks.

“God no!” I laugh. I guess he would think that seeing the blanket, laptop table, and microphone. “I started a podcast and it’s soundproof in here. I love this little space actually.”

“A podcast?!” He looks at me, impressed. I try not to blush. “What about?”

“Um, well I do know my medical shit—studied it for years and all. But it’s about taking care of ourselves, giving advice to people, burnout, identities, everything I learned leaving my job. All that.”

“Wow.” He nods thoughtfully. “That’s amazing.”

I shrug and go back to sitting on my bed, taking another bite of my dinner.

“Do you get a lot of listens?”

“I have a couple hundred listeners.” I tell him. “Actually. At first I was obsessive over the numbers. I’d spent the last couple decades obsessed over numbers—grades and all that. It was a habit.”

“And now?”

“Well I had to force myself to never look at my numbers for the first while and it helped me focus on the content itself. Make sure I was making something I put my heart behind, not just something I thought would do well. It’s been half a year now, and I’m just starting to look at them again.”

“Wow. Half a year that’s amazing. Good for you. I know we barely know each other but…I’m proud of you for figuring that all out. It’s inspiring.”

He was right, we barely knew each other. Yet somehow I knew he was genuine about what he was saying. I feel a warm tingling sensation in my stomach. “Thank you Harry.”

“Yeah. Wow.” His eyes flicker over my hair. “There is a lot of memories in that hair of yours.”

“Yeah it’s like, was it Mean Girls? My hair isn’t big, but it’s so long because it’s filled with secrets.”

“Yeah,” he smiles. “That’s a good line.”

“Maybe I should cut it off,” the more I thought about it the more I liked the idea. Why was I keeping it this long? “I should cut it off.”

“Uh I don’t know…”

“No!” I get up again, firm in what I wanted. The only reason my hair was always long was because my ex had told me once he liked it long. And now that I thought about it, I’d unconsciously kept it that way since. Fuck that! I wanted to get rid of these memories, “I want to turn a new leaf and all that bullshit.”

“I feel like I’ve been a bad influence.” Harry says softly.

“You’re cutting my hair Styles-“

“I don’t know how to!”

“C’mon we’ll watch a youtube video. You play guitar I’m sure you’re good with your hands.”

An awkward silence stretches and he coughs out a laugh.

“Oh my god not like that!” I take his hand and try not to think of whatever image he had just thought of. “Bathroom, scissors, phone. Let’s go.”

I queue up a video as he follows me. I shut the door and shove the video in his hands. Meanwhile, I turn the bathtub tap on and dunk my hair in it to get it wet so it would be easier to cut. Like the video said.

“Y/N,” Harry says wearily. Hearing my name out of his mouth is weird.

“Did you watch it?” I rummage through the drawers and come up with a pair. “Here.”

“They use an electric-“

“Just do it with the scissors!” I encourage him. “If it’s uneven that’s okay! I can get it fixed later in the week.”

I turn back to the mirror and everything slows down as I take the scene in. Harry Styles in my bathroom, standing behind me and eyeing me nervously. Me, with my too-long hair, flushed and determined to get this all over with, to shed the memories I’d been holding on for too long.

“Are you sure?” He asks, looking me dead in the eye through the mirror.

“Yep! I’m 100% sure.”

“Don’t kill me if you wake up tomorrow and regret this.”

“Just cut it.”

“So bossy,” he smiles and begins combing my hair down like the video had. I watch him, it’s endearing how much concentration he has as he perfects my strands and begins to measure. He’s slow, and deliberate, and I know I picked the right dude because I’d guessed correctly—he was a perfectionist.

When the first big chunk is removed and he deposits it in the sink I tear up. I feel the weight of it removed and it makes me think of everything it witnessed.

“Did I do something wrong?”

“No!” I reach out and touch the hair that was attached to me seconds ago. It was just hair, but it also wasn’t. “Continue.”

His hand brushes my neck again and I try not to lean into his touch. Try not to think about how close we were. This was Harry Styles, not just a random dude. Get it together. Nothing was going to happen here as intoxicating as his touch was and whatever cologne he wore.

When he finishes my hair, it barely brushes my shoulders.

“I.” I turn around and face him. “Love it!”

“Really?”

“Really!” I turn back to look at myself again and I see his shoulder settle down. He watches me turn my head every way in the mirror.

“It looks good on you. The short hair.”

It did. My ex never saw me with short hair. It was like I was a new woman.

“I feel brand new.”

He smiles behind me. “That’s how I felt yesterday”

I turn back to face him, forcing myself not to think too hard about the foot of space between us. “Thank you. I know this isn’t how you thought your evening was going to go. But I needed this. So…thank you.”

Something flickers past his face. His smile grows smaller. “Yeah. This actually made me forget all about what’s waiting for me. So I should say thank you for distracting me.”

“No moping,” I open the door to the bathroom, grateful to get more space. “There are drinks in the fridge if you’d like. I’m going to wash out my hair quickly and then you and I are watching Gilmore Girls.

“I’ve only watched the first season.” He backs out into the hall.

“Perfect. We’ll start at season 2!”

When I get back to my room, jammies on and ready for a cozy night in, Harry’s already looking half asleep.

I tell him where to sit—I’d set up my room so that my bed is against the wall and the set of pillows turns it into a day bed. On the opposite wall I’d left it blank to allow my projector to play anything from my laptop. He settles onto one side and I sit beside him, making sure to leave a foot of space between us.

As I navigate my laptop to pull up the show, I feel fingers on my hair. I turn to him.

“It actually suits you. Look really nice.”

He rubs a strand between his fingers.

“I feel lighter.”

He drops his hand and rubs it over his own head.

“Me too.”

We smile at each other, a bond tying me to him. I hoped doing this could be like a last step before I can fully move on from the last chapter of my life. I’d already done so much of my healing but I still found myself crying at 2ams and staring at my bedroom ceiling at 2pms. I needed this—talking to a stranger about it all, and shedding the weight physically.

Now all that was left was to cozy up and watch my favourite show.

“So how many Gilmore girls are there?” Harry whispers as I press play.

“You did not just ask that question. Are you sure you watched season 1?”

“A couple years ago yeah.”

“Then just watch.” I pull my blanket up and feel Harry shift slightly, our shoulders touch.

“Thanks Y/N,” he whispers after a while.

“Thank you,” I tell him. Whatever we did for each other tonight felt like fate had put us in a blender and pressed power. I mean, me and Harry freaking Styles were together on my bed at 1am, watching Gilmore Girls and falling asleep halfway. I guess we’d both needed a fresh perspective and a friend, and this was a good a way as any to make some new memories.

[writing-for-life]

Hey there! I hope you’re having a good day. I just saw a post you made about Dream’s type romantically. Thoughts on Calliope and Dream’s relationship specifically? It always stands out to me how though Dream has had a number of lovers throughout the millennia, Calliope is the only one he married. (And of course, Melissanthi Mahut and Tom Sturridge’s blistering chemistry in the show is an additional component for me xD but feel free to respond only based on the comics if you wish!)

Hey, always happy to see your asks in my inbox!

So, first of all; I don’t care what everyone else thinks:

Dream and Calliope are the OTP even though I’m not a shipper. There, I said it, hit me over the head with a hammer, I live well in that tiny little corner of fandom 🤣

Conceptually, they are very, very alike. There is definitely something in there about dreams marrying epic poetry (and eloquence!) that’s just so on the nose.

But I also can’t help thinking: Slight power imbalance maybe, and we also get this more directly via the “all gods get born and die in the Dreaming.” I think often about how this would have played out for them once Calliope’s last worshippers have died—it’s certainly a tough one, even if their relationship hadn’t soured.

But even so: She is the Muse of Epic Poetry, he is the Prince of Stories, so there is A LOT of overlap between what they stand for. And hence, a lot of mutual understanding. They always struck me as *getting* each other (probably why they fell in love in the first place)—until they didn’t. The fact they didn’t live together was good for them I think, because thoughts need to be allowed freedom to form and develop. Plus, there’s also a lot to be said for Calliope keeping her independence that way. Not just in terms of personhood, but again if you think of how she was essentially created in, and will return to, the Dreaming. It’s probably wise for her (in conceptual terms) not to hang out there ALL the time?

She seems a lot more grounded in the mortal world than Dream is though. I always thought that was down to the fact that humans know her, as in actively worship her/ask her for inspiration, which must make her much closer in a way? Because bar a few, no one really *knows* Dream exists, although everyone does, if that makes any sense? Mortals know him on a subconscious level (that’s why he’s forever nebulous and *lonely*), but people know Calliope as a deity and seek connection explicitly. I’m not sure what I’m trying to say here, but to me, that was always a reason why, although a goddess, she seemed far less removed from the mortal plight than Dream was (at least when they were still an item—we all know he changed, even if he didn’t admit it [well, he did in the end to Nuala, which is a whole ‘nother topic]).

And when I think about why they didn’t work out, I can only think: “Orpheus”.

I mean yes, she said that they were already starting to drift apart slightly before she was with child, but there was still a lot of love between them even so. I think the death knell was to have a child on these wonky foundations. Why they did, we’ll never know.

Conceptually, there’s again something very deep and painful about dreams and poetry becoming something real. And then, that mortal child becoming immortal (until his father finally intervenes). But Orpheus was still all mortal and human to his core, even when he became immortal for a while, and that was *always* at the base of their rift. But I digress…

Back to why was Orpheus the death of their marriage? Dream’s advice to Orpheus was sound, yet it was unfeeling and lacked empathy. Calliope’s was maybe (?) not as reasonable, but she understood her child because a mother’s love is (usually) unconditional. We all know Dream’s wasn’t for a long time although it should have been.

I think if they’d all sat together as a family, supported their son in his grief in a balanced way, this whole catastrophe could have been avoided (I mean no, not really—it’s a tragedy, “doomed by the narrative” and all that). But all of Dream’s relationships (be that to his son or his lovers) fail because he is unreality (hence he has a hard time when things quite literally get real), and despite *knowing* mortals on a very deep level, I don’t believe he truly *understood* them at this point. But I think Calliope did—maybe due to who she was, maybe just because she actually *allowed* them in? Because Dream never truly did that. And when he finally did and truly understood what unconditional love actually means, he came apart at the seams and unravelled.

There’s also something really interesting conceptually in thinking of the Prince of Stories who doesn’t believe he has his own, and the Muse of Epic Poetry who inspires. Who is trying to control whom in this scenario? It’s mirrored in how they behave when the whole Orpheus tragedy takes off:

Calliope tries to inspire and, dare I say try to control the narrative a bit, and I don’t mean this in a bad way, quite the opposite: She looks for the most favourable outcome for everyone involved, even if it means bending the rules: She tries to convince Dream to put in a good word with Hades and believes he would listen because Gods respect him and, dare I say it, are even a bit scared of him.

Dream is rigid. Which is so mind-bending for someone who is the personification of hopes, wishes and possibility. But he is an immovable object: If he’s right, he’s right. That’s the rules, that’s it. And he won’t bend them, not even for his son. I’m not saying that it’s not understandable from his point of view, because he might know things we don’t (potentially also that although he *could* bend the rules because he has the power to do so, it might have knock-on effects no one else can understand or see—it’s impossible to say), only that they are fundamentally different in their approach although they are *both* about inspiration. And inspiration is so closely related to bringing on change (ouch!).

Part of me wants to say that Calliope uses it to control the narrative while Dream doesn’t, that Calliope believes that we can change our destiny while Dream doesn’t, but that’s also too simple. Because Dream *can* be controlling, but in totally different ways and areas.

I feel like I’m rambling out a lot of unordered thoughts, but I guess what I’m trying to say is that Dream and Calliope were so close because they are so similar in so many ways bar one:

Their understanding how inspiration can be used to bring on change. I would somehow go as far as saying that Calliope understands what it means to have personhood, also for herself, and that’s why she understands it in others (I think this is made *very* clear when Richard Madoc holds her hostage). Dream doesn’t—least not at the point where it would have mattered with regards to their relationship, because I think the fishbowl has changed him in that regard. This is also why he wants to make things right with her I believe. But of course he would never openly admit it (he basically stops himself before blurting it out), simply because it would also mean he’d need to admit it to himself…

With regard to that meta:

I definitely think they were highly romantically attracted, purely down to who/what they are. I can’t say too much about their sexual attraction, but after Calliope’s speech at his wake, it would be somewhat unlikely to assume they weren’t 🙈🤣

Was it unconditional though? No.

Was it pragmatic (that sounds so bad and unfeeling, but it’s not a bad thing, because a certain level of pragmatism is what grounds love in reality and makes it last)? I think they tried. But ultimately, he can never live that way because he is unreality, and I often wonder if they both knew 😭

@two-hands-toward-the-sun ask answered

[veeluvss]

be careful what you wish for - missing part 2

read part one here !

emily x daughter!reader

“Y/N,” Emily whispered. Her voice was shallow, like a ghost.

Like it was only in your mind. Like she was everywhere yet nowhere all at once. She took a step closer to you but you took one back. There was a field around you - one of pain and you knew full well that as soon as she stepped too close, your entire body would break down.

“Baby,” she whispered again, her voice still faint. You began shaking your head, over and over but it moved in slow motion. The entire room moved in slow motion. Your limbs were heavy and your head felt like a car balancing on the edge of a cliff. Your eyes stung with dryness as you hadn’t stopped taking in the sight of her. Her figure. Full. In front of you again.

Her hair was different than it was before. She seemed taller, slightly slimmer. Tears streamed down her face as you studied it. It was her. You were sure it was her. But it wasn’t possible.

“Y/N,” JJ said. You jumped as her hand touched your shoulder and you jumped away from her. She looked at you and you gasped. She wasn’t shocked like you.

“We had to,” she whispered and you shook your head, moving further away. Your eyes shot between your mother and JJ. Your mum and JJ. Your mum and- You never thought you’d say that again.

“Stop!” You screamed. Your mum's voice floated around you - as if she was everywhere again and you collapsed to the floor. “You can’t be here!” You shouted at the imposter in the doorway. “Get out!” You scrambled to your feet and charged straight towards the woman pretending to be your mum. “Get out!” You screamed, pushing her out of the doorway before slamming the door shut in her face.

You don’t know how long you stayed there, with JJ sitting in front of you but you felt like you were going crazy.

“It’s not real,” you kept telling yourself. “It’s not. It’s not real. IT can’t be real-” you sobbed gripping your hair.

“Y/N, please listen to me,” JJ sighed, holding your shaking hands. “We had to fake her death to protect you both,” JJ explained but you shook your head. It wasn’t true. It couldn’t be true.

“No,” you screamed, pushing JJ away. JJ had watched you suffer and torture yourself every day for ten months knowing she was still alive. Knowing she never died? Knowing she’d come back?

“You knew,” you whispered, unable to form any sort of substance to your voice.

“I had to,” JJ replied.

“I’m her daughter,” you scoffed. Did you not get the right to know too?

“Y/N, I’m so sorry,” JJ sighed, rubbing her temples.

“No you’re not,” you said simply. You stood up and left your bedroom before walking straight past Emily and heading downstairs. You walked to the only place you felt loved, sane… your mother's grave.

“I never wanted you to not know,” Emily sighed, walking up behind you after about an hour. You didn’t reply. “But we had to keep it from you. In case Doyle ever got you,” she sat beside you as your eyes read the name on the grave again. Your mother's name yet she sat beside you.

“I’ve been keeping an eye on you, through Jay. Every day it hurt me to see you hurting and I came back as soon as I could.” You sighed, holding your knees closer to your chest. “I’m proud of you, for getting through it and I know you can get through this too.”

“Where were you?” you asked after a few more minutes of silence.

“Paris,” Emily replied and you sighed. Paris was your place. Every year your mum took you to Paris for your birthday. It was your favourite place in the entire world. “It wasn’t the same without you.” She added.

“It wasn’t the same without you either,” you replied. You wanted nothing more than for your mum's arms to wrap around you, hold you like she used to but you felt so unbelievably angry. Yet so happy. Your dream came true, your mum came back. But she never really left. She never left. Her death was a lie. But how could you lie to your daughter about death?

You stayed with Penelope for a few weeks. Seeing your mum when you had to. They got you signed up to the Bureau’s therapist and every night you cried in Garcia’s arms from such confusing feelings. You hadn’t spoken to JJ, you couldn’t look at Emily and now, even with your mother back - you felt more alone than ever. It was strange because it was all you wanted. Every day she was gone you craved her back. You begged anyone for her to come back and now- now she was back … you couldn’t even face her. Be careful what you wish for.

[askbensolo]

Do you still talk to Fannie and Amalia? If so, how are they doing?

I still talk to Amalia, yeah! We don’t talk that often, but we send each other memes and stuff. She lives on Coruscant now, which is where she came from before Luke found her. This is gonna sound weird, but she like, switched religions, kind of. Apparently there’s a religion of non-Force sensitives and semi-Force sensitives who revere the Force, despite not being able to feel it or use it to make things float and all that.

I don’t really get it. I asked her what the difference was, between that and being a Jedi. Or why you’d devote your life to the Force if you weren’t gonna get a lightsaber and mind powers out of it. Or why she’d join a community of non-Force sensitives, when she used to be such a powerful Jedi-in-training.

Amalia said that as a Jedi, she was always focused on how to use the Force, but now, she thinks more about how the Force uses her. The Force, to her, is less of an energy and more of a divine being with its own will, whose will we ought to discern and follow. And then there was some other stuff about how she thinks the light side/dark side balance thing isn’t actually true, that what we call the light side of the Force is really just the Force itself, and…well, it’s way over my head, so don’t ask me.

I don’t know, I guess it’s kinda interesting. But I’m a little more interested in paying my bills and hitting work deadlines right now.

One thing’s clear to me, though. Amalia is way happier than she used to be. More chill. And nicer. Doesn’t stop her from roasting me all the time though—which is good, because I’d hate to lose such an integral part of our friendship.

As for Fannie…well, she and I aren’t really in contact anymore. She went to Ryloth to work with a Twi’lek anti-trafficking organization around the time that I left for college, and things haven’t really been the same between us after that.

Fannie and I used to be real buds. She always saw the best in me (even when I was being a jerk), and showed a lot of care for me that I hadn’t really experienced before. We became even closer after she broke up with her boyfriend Deirak because of their differing plans for the future (she was set on returning to Ryloth, and he wanted to stay with Luke and be a Jedi teacher).

Even though Fannie was the one who ended things with him, it still made her really sad, so after the breakup I spent a lot of time with her and listened to her cry and invited her to hang out with my family and took her on walks a lot. (Looking back, I can see why Deirak stopped being nice to me around then. Whoops. Sorry bro.)

Anyway…after I went to Naboo and she went to Ryloth, being in such different worlds—I mean our lifestyles, not the planets—put kind of a strain on our friendship. I was complaining about writing essays, and cramming for finals, and enduring my stupid stupid stupid Nonhuman Studies courses where everyone was like “Ben is a human so his opinion on Hutt crime lords is invalid”—and Fannie was like, “Oh yeah, I helped deliver a baby today. I went on an undercover mission to help a woman escape her slaver.”

Awkward.

It’s not like we fought over it or anything. But…there was just this…disconnect, and we both were really busy, and eventually we kind of just…stopped talking.

Well…okay, maybe I was the one who stopped replying as much. And then I got anxiety whenever I opened our messages and remembered I hadn’t replied in over a month.

She did reach out to me last summer to ask if I graduated. I was like, “Haha, yeah!” and she was like “Congratulations!” and I was like, “Thanks!” and that was that.

I do think about her a lot though. I think I could have been a better friend to her. I wish that I had supported her more, instead of focusing on myself and feeling self-conscious. Sometimes I think about reaching out again, but…I don’t know. It’s been a long time. I’m still busy, and I’m sure she is too. Maybe that friendship just ran its course…

[mcgnagallsarmy]

Spuffy style Reading Challenge - #22: A new genre every month

Thriller:

What Goes Around by Ninereeds [NC-17]

The citizens of Sunnydale find themselves acting on their darkest desires, and the Scoobies' summer vacation hangs in the balance. When Spike turns out to be the only one Buffy can trust, her carefully constructed black-and-white world starts looking a lot gray-shadier. Set in the summer after season 4.

Romance:

Eucharist by Holly [NC-17]

He had it all. The prophecy and the girl, merrily ever after and all that rot. But life doesn't stop.

Fic by a female author:

Ties to the World by honeygirl51885 [NC-17]

Spike is gone, but before he went out in a blaze of glory, he slipped a letter into Buffy’s pocket. That letter takes her on a road trip across America, visiting his ties to the world.

A classic:

Strawberry Fields by Holly [NC-17]

Heartbroken and determined, Spike sets out to form a truce with his mortal enemy to take down Angelus once and for all. The last thing he expected was a couple of restless spirits interrupting his sales pitch, or to find himself in a magic-induced liplock. And one taste of Buffy Summers, he finds, is nowhere close to enough.

Fantasy:

World Enough, and Time by toooldforthis [R]

“You came back wrong,” he told her, all those years ago. He was right, but it took them a very long time to realise exactly what that meant. It meant a hundred more apocalypses, a thousand battles. It meant a journey, a prophecy, a war. They’d lose one other, and find their way back, and choose, again and again. And all the while, the earth was failing. There are a lot more people than you think who are here for the long haul – like, the really long haul. This is a story about two of them.

Dystopian story:

The Footprints Left Behind by Willow91 [NC-17]

In the wake of an unknown attack on the American Frontier and the subsequent loss of contact with the friends they still had stateside, Buffy and Xander sneak into the country and begin a long, dangerous journey to find old friends and the source of the near apocalypse before it spreads throughout the rest of the world.

Award winner:

Whispers by Abby [NC-17]

After Spike endures torture at the hands of Glory to protect the identity of the key, Buffy is forced to reconsider everything she ever thought she knew about the vampire, leading to some startling revelations. Set immediately post-Intervention.

Drama:

Ghostly by untouchable [NC-17]

Six months after Sunnydale collapses, a grieving Buffy is startled to find Spike, feral and without any idea who she is, in her backyard. Is he real? Or just another ghost?

Erotica:

A Dream Is A Wish your Heart Makes by cawthraven [NC-17]

Buffy just had a hot fight with Spike. And now, she's having a hot night with him, too.

Comedy:

Delusions of Spander by EllieRose101 [PG]

“I am not having sex with Spike, but I'm starting to think that you might be!”

A one shot in which wires become comically crossed. Starts out during Season Five, Episode 18: Intervention.

Historical:

The Darkling by OffYourBird [NC-17]

When Buffy’s quest to get Spike returned to her is fulfilled in an unexpected way, she finds herself in a complicated relationship with an intrigued master vampire who isn’t the man she loves, but who might be someday… if she can convince him to step out of the dark.

Slow-burn:

What Remains by MrsAkers [NC-17]

As the lone survivors of the final battle with Glory, Buffy and Spike run away from Sunnydale. Battling with guilt and an unfulfilled death wish, Buffy finds solace in Spike's company while the vampire just does his best to keep her alive. Goes majorly AU at The Gift.

[iguessitsjustme]

I Saw You In My Dream Ep 5&6 Thoughts

Ya know. Some days you find yourself caught in a thunderstorm with sopping wet shoes, a full bladder, wasted CTA fare, and nothing but sheer willpower to get yourself home. Did that happen to me today? Don’t worry about it. I had the world’s teeniest umbrella. Pray for my shoes. Anyhway, I got home earlier than I expected so I can watch at least one episode tonight! Yay! I might even be able to catch up entirely. At which point I start my NEXT liveblog because I’m having fun with this. As always, under the cut:

I am very curious about why Ai is scared of the dark. I cannot wait to learn more. Mmmm delicious delicious backstory trauma is waiting for me.

Also that dream seemed terrifying. Well…nightmare. I too would have woken up screaming. 

His trauma…is getting stuck…in the bathroom…in the dark? I must say. I could not have predicted that but it makes a lot of sense. Yu also being the cause makes sense. Yu was a bit of a shithead at first. But that would definitely be traumatizing.

Yu with the good advice. It’s okay not to have a dream.

Obsessed with this lighting. Just look at it.

Ooooo a different trauma was the cause of the fear of the dark. I love this show.

Well how am I NOT going to mention the fact that the reason that Ai is scared of the dark is because he trapped himself in a literal closet and now he’s afraid of the future and scared of what awaits him and burying his feelings for Yu so deep that they’re manifesting themselves in prophetic dreams. I mean I have to mention being trapped in the closet.

Sksjhgkjdg Ai sent Yu food. Those gay thoughts have permeated. It’s too late to go back now. Ai is in love with Yu and just hasn’t figured it out yet.

Badminton man’s name is Wann. Are we about to get a love triangle? What’s going on?

Yesssss Yu watching Ai give out his contact information is good. Yes. Very good. Also I noticed that Ai reached very far across to give it to him. Didn’t move any closer. Stayed as far away as he could. Poor badminton man.

What I like about this show is at its surface it seems like Yu is a lot more mature and confident than Ai but then the show gives you flashes of Yu being immature or  insecure and you’re reminded that he’s not that much different than Ai. Those two balance each other very well. Ai is mature in ways that Yu is not and confident in ways that Yu is not. And vice versa. It’s very refreshing to see. They complement each other perfectly.

Also this was short so I’m gonna throw episode 6 in here too. Staying up late isn’t a great idea but it’s the choice I’ve made.

Yu is ready to murder Yo. He just wanted to go on a little vacation with Ai but alas. He could not admit that so now his brother is tagging along and also planning it. But I have little doubt that some sort of romantic tension and hijinks will ensue.

Why am I getting the weird arrangement of that lullaby again? There’s no sleeping currently happening.

OH. Ai was dreaming. About Yu tripping and bonking his head real bad. I get it Yu. Me too.

BADMINTON MAN. Oh poor poor Yu. It was supposed to be a trip for just him and Ai and now here comes this other man that’s got a crush on Ai. Get it together Yu. Ya gotta get it together. Ai already loves you. I mean he doesn’t know it yet, but he might if you say something about your feelings that I KNOW you have. I know it. With my soul. My entire being.

A man in love.

Also I have mixed feelings on the “I’ll drink it for them” trope but I like it here.

Drunken confession my beloved. Ing, I’m so proud of you baby. I don’t know what the outcome of this confession will be, but whatever it is, it will be better.

You dumbass

Waan I swear to god. Put that guitar away. I swear on GOD I will lose my mind. Put that thing back where it came from.

Waan I used to like you.

Stop this.

I suffer.

If you’re gonna do this. At least. Hit. The notes.

Man I wish I wasn’t caught up cause I want to keep going but alas. I am now caught up. But new episode tomorrow! I think. Yay!

[ladylooch]

Letters in Your Last Name - Chapter 28

A/N: He's here! He's here! Luca Fiala is here!

Word Count: 5.1k

Warnings: pregnancy, graphic descriptions of birth, pregnancy related medical issues.

March

I carefully balance the Boom Chicka Pop bag on my large belly, giggling as my son kicks in response and moves the bag slightly to the left.

“Hey. I only have a little bit longer to balance things on you before it’s going to be frowned upon.” I soothe him by rubbing my hand over what I presume is his butt.

“What are you doing to our baby?” My husband wonders as he comes into the living room. He places a kiss against the crown of my head before I tilt my face up towards his for a real smooch. His lips gently connect with mine and I sigh, wrapping my hand around his neck to holding him to me. He just got his hair cut so the strands of his fade feel soft against my fingers. “Mmm.” Kevin murmurs to me as he pulls away. “I’m going to miss these hormones when the baby comes.”

“Oh, you’ll still get them. But there might be more tears than orgasms.” I joke with him, tossing another kernel of popcorn into my mouth.

These last 8 months have both flown and dragged by as we’ve waiting for our first baby to join our world. In preparation, we spent a majority of our downtime putting the finishing touches on our house, including the woodland themed nursery. Our new home and quiet community has given us a chance to prepare for the arrival of the newest Fiala in comfort. The house is massive, more than we need right now, but we already know our plan is to fill it up slowly.

We did a small gender reveal in November with a few friends and family. The reveal consisted of a puck filled with powder that Kevin obliterated in our driveway. The blue powder had barely filled the air before he was next to me, lifting me into his arms and twirling me around. It didn’t take long for both of my brothers to begin pitching their names for our son. Neither of them made the list.

Overall, my pregnancy has been blissfully smooth. I’ve passed all my tests with flying colors. Our baby has been developing in perfect synchronization with all the charts and pregnancy books we can find. My hormones have kept our sex life fairly active even despite the obvious changes to my body. I’ve never felt sexier than I do carrying Kevin’s baby, but only because he reminds me of it every day. There have certainly been annoyances like heart burn, swollen feet, weight gain and constant elbows to the ribs that prevent me from sleeping. But all of that is worth it to me for this perfect, little boy.

“Not having you for weeks after this baby is going to be tough.” Kevin murmurs to me as he sits next to me on the couch. “I hope your mouth will still be open for business.”

“Ha! You wish. I’m not going to want to even look at you after I push this thing out of me.” I say to him, narrowing my eyes playfully.

“We’ll see.” Kevin slowly grins at me as he reaches for a piece of popcorn. He pops it in his mouth and chews it slowly while his eyes smolder at me. The heat creeps up my neck and across my nipples.

“Stop….” I whine at him. “You’re too sexy for your own good.”

“Lucky you.” He reaches for my hand and laces our fingers together innocently. Again, the heat increases and I find myself wiggling over trying to lean into him. Kevin can’t help but laugh at my struggle before he pulls my hip towards him to help me turn over.

“So… uh… that was super sexy…. Wanna bang?” I giggle and kiss his neck.

“No, but not because that wasn’t hot.” He laughs genuinely with me. “I’ve gotta get working on my pre-game nap. You can join me though.”

“I’m not tired.” I mumble to him, wrapping an arm across his abs and attempting to bring myself closer to him.

“You’re not now, but it’s going to be tough for you to stay awake at the game tonight.” He smooths my hair and rests his cheek against my head. His stubble is at just the right length that it pricks my scalp through my hair.

“Ugh.. I don’t want to go to the game tonight.” I say to him. “All the girls look so pretty and put together and then I roll in looking like the Michelin man in a track suit.”

“Babe, that’s an exaggeration.” Kevin soothes me.

“No, it’s not. You should have seen Danielle at the last home game. She looked like she was going to some fancy date night and I had chip crumbs stuck in my boobs all night.” I can feel Kevin’s chest heave as he tries to stifle a laugh.

“Well, I think you’re beautiful no matter what. Your body is a temple.” He gives me a squeeze.

“What baby daddy book told you to say that?” I roll my eyes at him.

“Every single one of them.” He confesses with a snort. “Regardless, I’m not comfortable with you staying home alone tonight.”

“Why?” I ask, pulling away to look up at his face.

“Because you’re 38 weeks pregnant and what if you go into labor here without me?”

“What!? How is this any different than when you go on road trips for 7 days, like the one you have coming up next week?”

“Yeah, I’ve been meaning to bring that up. We need to get this baby out of you before then.” He reaches for my belly and begins to rub it then gently shake it. “Eviction notice!!! Time to come out!”

“Oh, so you can do that but I was wrong for resting a bag on him?” I slap Kevin’s chest, rolling from side to side to get momentum to stand up. Kevin’s hand on my butt offers the gentle boost I need. I grab the popcorn bag and begin to waddle my way around the couch to refill my water.

“If you don’t go to the game, I’m going to be distracted and play like shit. I’ll worry about you.” Kevin’s voice follows me from the living room as I walk into the kitchen. I throw the bag of popcorn on the counter and let out a heavy sigh. Our son is kicking against my stomach and I press my hand into him, trying to guide his foot away from there. If he keeps going like this, I’m going to get acid reflux and start gagging.

“I thought we had an agreement long ago that you play the way you play and I have nothing to do with it?”

“I was being an asshole that day. This is genuine concern for my wife and child.” He calls to me from where he is still on the couch. My top lip curls in petty annoyance at that. How dare he care about us.

“Kev.” I wine at him as he finally wanders into the kitchen. I take in the look on his face. All joking aside, I can tell he is being honest with me. He pouts exasperatedly; his brown eyes turn into doe eyes. I wrinkle my nose in response. “You better make this worth my while by scoring a hat trick.” I finally concede. A large grin pulls his lips apart and he crosses the kitchen like a victorious king.

“I have a feeling I’ll be scoring on and off the ice tonight.” He reaches for my hips and pulls me into him. His lips find mine; I instantly get hot and light headed. When he pulls away, he is wearing a smug grin while observing my flushed cheeks.

“Go take your nap.. asshole.” I quip at him with narrowed eyes.

“I’m your asshole, baby.” He snips back at me playfully before slapping my ass.

Later that night, I’m in the family suite munching on a cookie in the second period, watching as Kevin sprints down the ice on a breakaway. The Hurricanes goalie comes to the top of the crease, watching Kevin for his next move, but I know he doesn’t stand a chance. Kevin fakes like he’s going strong side left, but he goes right and buries the pick behind the goalie’s right shoulder. The goalie slaps his stick in frustrating at giving into Kevin’s move. My husband is oblivious as he brings his stick into the air, thrusts his knee up and lets out an enthusiastic yell.

“Woo!” I answer excitedly, clapping along with the other fans in the arena. My son dances in response to the noise and I press onto the top of my bump to soothe him. As I do so, I can feel liquid beginning to pool beneath me.

Um, am I peeing right now? ask myself. I give a worried glance to Lauren who is settling back into her seat next to me.

“What a nice goal.” She says to me. Her eyebrows pull together when she takes in the look on my face. “Are you okay?”

“Um.. I don’t know if I just peed my pants or….” I look away and concentrate on what I’m feeling. I shift, trying to feel if anything is different. All I can feel is wetness. “I went to the bathroom at intermission though and I don’t think I have to go…”

“Let me check.” Danielle leans down and, bless her, sniffs. The four time mom pulls back and looks at me with a glint in her eye. “No smell. That’s amniotic fluid. Your water broke.”

“Holy shit.” I whisper to her, eyes going wide. My heartbeat accelerates as I begin to panic, glancing down on the ice. Kevin is out again, trolling the left side boards int he offensive zone, looking for his next goal.

“Stay calm. Here is what we are going to do. Lauren is going to grab someone from Hockey Ops who will go to the bench and get Kevin. Then, we are going to get you downstairs to the lounge, grab you a pair of dry pants and you and Kevin are going to go have a baby.” She gives my hand a squeeze as Lauren climbs quickly over the back of the seat to do as she is told. I nod in response and grip my belly, trying to focus on my task of staying calm. “Lauren!” Danielle yells at her. “See if guest services can get us a wheelchair.”

“I think I can walk.” I tell her.

“Honey, your pants are wet. You don’t want to walk to the elevator like that.” She rubs my arm assuringly.

“Yeah, I think this seat is ruined.” I laugh nervously.

I turn my attention to the ice as we wait. Kevin goes out for one more shift where he almost nets another goal. The whistle blows as the goalie covers it. The game breaks for a TCV time out as Kevin leisurely glides to the bench. Dean Evason is standing on the bench, waving Kevin over encouragingly. Kevin stops in front of his coach and is listening to what Dean is saying before he rushes to the second door and begins to run down the tunnel. His teammates slap their sticks against the boards in response.

“Sam, the wheelchair is here.” Lauren calls to me.

I stand up and Danielle walks with me as a guide. I am beginning to feel some slight cramping in my lower abdomen. I work on my breathing in response, even as it feels like my throat is blocked by a large rock. I get settled into the wheelchair and Danielle follows us with my purse.

“We don’t have our hospital bags.” I say to her after the elevator doors have closed.

“That’s okay. Give me your keys and I’ll grab them for you. Where are they?”

“In the mudroom. If you go through the garage they are on the bench by the door.”

“Got it.” She begins to text on her phone and we move out of the elevator. “Let’s go to the family lounge.” She points to the right. We turn and Kevin is there.

“Are you okay!?” He is out of breath, chest visibly heaving, and still wearing the lower half of his equipment, minus his skates. His hair is sticking up every which way with sweat and his brown eyes are wide with panic.

“She is fine.” Danielle answers for me as I focus on breathing through another wave of cramping. “Her water broke and she’s starting to feel some light cramping. She can talk through it so they aren’t contractions yet. But they’re coming. Go get your stuff off and shower.”

“Okay.” Kevin leans down and gives me a soothing kiss.

“I’m good. But don’t skip the shower.” I wrinkle my nose at the smell of him. “ I can’t focus on what I need to do with that smell.” I shudder.

“Okay.” He answers again with a quick nod. He gives me one last look before heading back towards the locker room.

“Wait, Kev!” Danielle yells. “Get Tony. Sam needs clean pants.” She is speaking of the head equipment manager for the Wild. Tony appears a moment later with several different size Adidas pants for me to try. Danielle and I go to the bathroom in the family lounge and I find a pair that work.

“I want to walk now.” I tell Danielle. She nods and sends the wheelchair away. As we are exiting the bathroom, Kevin jogs into the family lounge with his keys in his hand.

“We don’t have the bags.” Kevin looks terrified again and I can’t help the smile that breaks out on my lips. Earlier today, he was shaking my belly to get our boy out. Now, he looks like he would be fine if our son didn’t come today after all.

“I’m going to get them. Just go to the hospital.” Danielle assures him, giving his back a quick rub. “You’ve got this daddy. Just stay calm and get there safe.”

“Alright.. let’s go have a baby.” Kevin grins. Tears instantly build in my eyes as I take his hand and he leads me from the lounge.

“Thank you.” I say to Danielle as we pass her.

“Of course. We are family.” She reminds me and gives me a quick hug. “You’ve got this, mama.”

Kevin and I walk slowly from the depths of the arena to the parking lot. By the time we get to his car, I have to pause and breathe through what I know is a contraction. It’s painful, but not all consuming. I close my eyes and focus as Kevin rubs my back comfortingly.

“Good job, babe.” He encourages me once I stand up straight to get into the car. Kevin closes my door and rushes around to the driver’s side. Kevin pulls out of the parking space and begins the journey to the hospital. I text our midwife. Grace, who has already called the hospital to let them know we are on our way. She will meet us there.

“How are you doing?” He asks once we are on I-94 heading East.

“I’m okay… Glad you made me come to the game.” I joke with him. He glances over at me and we share a smile. “My water broke after you scored. He got excited.” I run a reassuring hand over my belly and close my eyes, trying to relieve the anxiety I feel simmering in my chest. I wish the baby was moving more, but since my water broke he has become still. “I’m a little worried. He hasn’t moved much since this all started. He was really active earlier.” He palms my belly.

“You’re okay, buddy.” Our son responds by giving a kick to my ribs. The anxiety settles a bit after that.

We pull into the hospital and a wheelchair comes out to greet us. Kevin gives them my name for check in and then settles me into the chair. He heads back to the car to park while I get taken to the maternity ward. Grace is waiting for me in our room and she helps me get into the hospital gown. When Kevin enters, the reality settles around us.

“We finally get to meet our baby.” He whispers to me, kissing my lips.

“Yeah.” I answer him with tears in my voice.

Grace begins to check in with me on how I’m feeling, timing contractions, and answering any questions I have. We talk about the baby’s lack of movement and she assures me that it’s not a concern at this time. I’m strapped up to a monitor for both myself and the baby and we are both measuring normal metrics. Danielle arrives an hour after we are settled and gives Kevin our bags.

Even though my water has broken, active labor doesn’t seem to be coming for me anytime soon. Grace suggests that Kevin and I try to take a nap while we wait for my body to move into the next stage. She turns the lights off and tells us she will be back in a half hour to check on me. After shedding his suit jacket, Kevin climbs into the bed with me and wraps his arms around me. His hands grip my bare stomach below the monitor. He releases a heavy sigh as his lips find my shoulder.

“You’re doing great, baby. He will be here soon.” He assures me. I move deeper into my husband and will sleep to come to me. My mind is too active and I find myself imagining our son instead. What will he look like? Will he have Kevin’s eyes? What will it feel like to see him? What will Kevin do? I picture seeing his face and finally getting to call him by his name- Lucas James Fiala.

All of a sudden, an alarm begins to sound in the room causing both Kevin and I to jolt in surprise. Grace enters the room and glances at the monitor. For the baby. We stare at her expectantly.

“It’s the baby’s heart rate. It’s dropped a little lower than we want to see at this point. It may just be that he shifted and the monitor’s having a difficult time reading it. But let’s call the doctor in for his opinion.”

The on-call doctor comes in and they speak in hushed tones together. While they speak, the alarm sounds again. He glances at the readings and doesn’t seem to like what he is seeing. He is going to order an ultrasound.

“It seems to be a correct reading that his heart rate is dropping. So, we are going to get a better picture of what may be going on so we know what direction to go.”

“Should we be worried?” Kevin asks. His expression is filled with concern, matching mine.

“Not necessarily. But we need to see what’s happening to know for sure.”

The ultrasound technician comes in with the radiologist a few minutes later. She squirts the cool, blue gel on my belly. I lay back and we all wait in silence while the tech moves the tool along the baby. I close my eyes because I’m afraid if I look, I’ll see something horrible. The tech seems to be focusing in one spot. Kevin gives my hand a squeeze but I can’t open my eyes to look at him. I’m too afraid.

The tech points to the screen and the radiologist nods. At the same time, the monitor alarm screams again and I jump in surprise. The care team shares a look before everyone leaves the room, so only Grace remains.

“Sam, Kevin.” she begins softly after putting a comforting hand on my shoulder. “When we started this journey, I said we would follow your birth plan unless Sam or the baby’s life was at risk. Unfortunately, this is the case. We are fairly certain the umbilical cord is wrapped around his neck so we need to get him out before he falls further into the birth canal. Therefore, the care team is recommending an emergency cesarean. There is an excellent obstetrician on call who is going to perform the surgery. I know this is a big change to what you wanted and it’s scary. But it’s the best choice for you both.”

I swallow as the fear consume me. Our baby is at risk. I am about to be cut open. Grace is right, this was most definitely NOT in my birth plan. The panic begins to close my throat and I have to force the words from my mouth.

“Kevin… can Kevin come with me?” I ask, terrified of having to do this alone. I’ve heard of the horror stories of mothers who have to give birth on their own due to emergency situations. I can’t do this without Kevin. I don’t WANT to do this without him either.

“Yes, Kevin will be with you.” I nod my head in understanding, looking over at my husband’s face. The same deep fear I’m experiencing covers his features. He tries to hide it for me, but I can see it in his brown eyes.

“It will be okay, baby. I’ll be right here.” He grabs my hand and gives it a squeeze. I pull away from him and grip my belly with both hands.

“I just want our baby.” I cry to him, tears slipping from my eyes. He stands and leans over to give me a hug, reassuringly whispering in my ear.

“It’s okay. He’s almost here.”

“Kevin, you need to go get prepped for surgery. I’ll wait with Sam.” Grace encourages him to move towards the door where another staff member waits to take him to preparation.

From there, everything seems to happen in a blur. I get an epidural without Kevin which means I cry the entire time. The nurse adds in some additional pain medicine into my IV to supplement. Luckily, things are feeling pretty numb at this point and it’s an extra dosage to ensure I continue to stay that way through the surgery. I close my eyes and listen to the sound of the monitor on the baby’s heart. To me, it sounds strong and steady, but knowing he’s in danger makes me nauseous. I slowly push out a breath, trying to steady my heart rate and blood pressure. I may not be able to deliver him how I want, but I am still giving him what he needs right now.

When we enter the operating room, Kevin is there waiting for me in blue scrubs. He seems calmer than before and so sure as he sits in the chair beside me.

“Everything is okay, Sam.” He reminds me confidently. “He is going to be okay.” I’m not sure if he believes it to be true or if he just can’t consider the alternative. He reaches down and kisses my lips softly. Tears stream from my eyes and he wipes at them.

“I’m scared, Kev.”

“I know and that’s okay. I know this isn’t what we wanted, but this is what we need to do. I’m so proud of you, babe. You’ve got this. There is nothing you can’t do.” He kisses me again and takes my hand. The nurse sets a hair net on my hair and the obstetrician enters the room. She comes to stand next to Kevin and I.

“I’m Dr. Anderson. I’ll be preforming your surgery. Is this your first baby?” She wonders to me. I nod because my tongue feels too heavy to speak. “Okay. Well, I’ve got steady hands that have helped thousands of babies enter this world.”

“That’s good to hear.” Kevin murmurs honestly, giving my hand a squeeze as if to say, see, it’s all going to be okay. I still have my doubts.

“Do you know what you’re having?” She asks as the world continues to prep around us. I feel more at ease as she talks to us. I can hear the monitors confirming my vitals are coming to a normal level. The baby’s heart beat continues to be strong and steady. I’m thankful the alarms have stopped.

“A boy.” I tell her.

“Does he have a name?”

“Lucas James Fiala.” Kevin answers.

“We are going to call him Luca.” I say as the nurse straps the oxygen tube into my nostrils.

“Well, let’s get Luca into the world.” She gives me a steady smile then steps behind the raised curtain. I let out a slow breath to try to calm my returning nerves. It does nothing.

“I feel sick.” I tell Kevin, seriously concerned that the nausea in my stomach is going to turn into projectile puking. My mouth crumples with unshed tears. I look at him, begging for reassurance. I can tell he doesn’t know what to say, but his hand comes to my forehead and his thumb brushes soothingly against my skin. It helps enough that I swallow and steady myself again.

“Sam, I’m about to make the first incision. Before I do, can you feel any of this?” Dr. Anderson wonders as she, assumingely, pokes around my stomach.

“No.” I respond.

“Okay, then I’m going to get started. You will feel some general pressure, but let us know if you’re feeling any sharp pains.”

Kevin leans his head down and rests his forehead on the bed next to me. I turn my head and kiss the top of his hair even though it’s covered with a net. He shudders and I can tell he is terrified but trying his best to keep it together. This is not what we had been imagining for 9 months. We imagined pushing and coaching and happiness. Not this all consuming fear that our baby is in danger. Kevin lifts his head and I take in the pale look of his face.

“Are you going to pass out?” I whisper to him. Grace, who is standing by him, puts a steadying hand on his back, rubbing slow circles.

“You’ve got this, dad.” She soothes him. She stands slightly behind him to catch him incase he does fall backwards. A nurse comes and gives him a cool washcloth for the back of his neck. His color seems to return after they coach him through a little breathing.

“I’m good.” He says sheepishly. He removes his hand from mine and instead places it on my chest where he can feel my heartbeat. I place mine over his and we grow silent together. We look at each other and Kevin gives me a small smile. For the first time, I believe what he’s been saying: I’m not going through this alone. I know he is with me. I know he would take my place in a heartbeat and that he is with me for whatever comes next.

“When he comes out, if he has to go.. you follow him.” Kevin nods in response.

“I will.”

“I’ll be okay.” I assure him. He nods again but I can see the doubt return to his eyes. His entire world is right here in this room. He has no control over what happens to us. He’s powerless as he sits and watches this. My heart aches for him even as my body is going through the trauma of birth. “I’m okay.” I say to him so he knows. He closes his eyes and kisses my shoulder.

“I see a butt.” Dr. Anderson laughs making us smile. New, happy tears spring to my eyes knowing we are seconds away from officially becoming parents. “Sam, you’re going to feel pressure as we pull him out.” I feel it, but it’s all bearable in my drugged up haze. “It is a boy!” She confirms. "Welcome to the world, Luca.” She says as a large wail fills the room.

In that moment, everything shifts for us. My breath catches in my chest and tears fall from the corner of my eyes.

“He looks great, mom and dad. The cord was around his neck but very loose. He is okay.” She assures us, passing him to a nurse as they cut said cord. The nurse towels him off a bit then immediately places him on my chest. He’s still goopy, sobbing and turning red from the shock of being born, but he is absolute perfection.

“Kev.” I say, as I wrap my hands around our baby. “Look at him.” I start to sob back to Luca as Kevin places his hand on mine over our son.

“Hi buddy!” Kevin murmurs to him. “Oh my god, Sam. You did so great.” He tells me. “So, so perfekt…” He trails off because tears have clogged his throat. He purses his lips as drops gather against his lower lashes. He lets out an incredulous laugh, seemingly overflowing with joy as he takes in the sight of us.

“Good job, mom and dad!” Grace tells me as she sticks the booger sucker into Luca’s mouth to pull out any excess fluid. “He’s got some good lungs, huh?” She smiles as Luca continues to wail.

“I know, bud. Being born is really tough stuff.” I coo to him. “Mama and daddy are here. You’re safe.” I tell him, rubbing my thumb over his head that is covered in thick, dark hair.

“How does he have so much hair?” Kevin laughs.

“I don’t know. But he looks just like you.” I whisper to Kevin already knowing how much trouble I’m in if he’s got his dad’s smile. As we speak, Luca has begun to settle deeper and quietly into my chest. I give him my finger and his little hand tightens intensely around it.

The entire world has faded from existence except the three of us. I forget I’m cut open on a table. I forget about the last hour of stress. Nothing else matters anymore, just that we are together, finally having this moment we have been dreaming of. Kevin lays a soft, praising kiss against my forehead.

“Just like you, he was worth every minute of waiting.” Kevin murmurs to me. “You’re amazing, babe. I love you. That doesn’t even come close to describing what I feel right now. But it’s all I got.”

“I love you too.” I turn to him, meeting his gaze with awe. “We made a perfect baby, Kev.”

“You did… Mama.” He nuzzles my nose. “Thank you.” I smile tearfully at my husband and we share another tender kiss.

My eyes stay closed after Kevin pulls away. A grateful sigh moves Luca deeper into my breasts. Kevin’s fingers spread out against mine to help support our son in my drug induced state.

Despite the sounds of the medical team working on putting my body back together, I think to myself, that there is no place I’d rather be than here with the loves of my life.

[macgyvertape]

Castlevania Nocturn s1 thoughts/liveblog

This season more like Castlevania: colonialism, and power structures that support it

For a Symphony of the Night adaptation the inclusion of symphonic and operatic music was fantastic, especially the attention to the times the music was diegetic vs nondiegetic

Really enjoyed how many outfit changes characters got, I really want some meta about the Emissary's costume changes because she has a wide range of outfits from modern to 2 different historical ones.

Favorite plotline: the whole Orlox/Mizrak relationship and both characters (it probably seems obvious based on what I focused on), least favorite plotline Richter gets his mojo/magic back based on processing grief aka vibes

Felt much more like a coming of age story line for the protagonists, and (without checking a timeline) them a few years younger than the series 1 Trevor/Sypha /Alucard

This show really balanced well the introduction of the cosmic threat (cat goddess filling Dracula’s place) vs local threat (Emissary here vs leader night creature s1 of main show) in a way I haven't seen since s1 of the original show

more liveblog notes below cut

I knew going in Olrox was gay, a fan favorite favorite of blogs I check, and had gifs portraying him sympathetically. Funny how that probably influenced my initial impression of the opening

Lmao of course the abbey is on the evil vampire side considering I saw gifs beforehand of one of the guys with Olrox. (edit: funny that Olrox isn’t with the main vampire group at that time in the season, so I was right about the alliance for the wrong reason) 

I like how the Emissary's clothing is so modern I can't tell if she's wearing hoof heels or has cloven feet

Edouard’s singing sounded super awkward without musical backing, sure the fact its Dido's lament is foreshadowing. 

Edouard has a tailcoat, I didn’t expect to see it during this time period considering this is before the Regency. Olrox is wearing a frock coat, that’s older style?

Oooh wish they had done the fight to Vivaldi’s summer presto instead and made it nondiegetic music vs generic action music

Devil forgemaster automation!? Note to self check when first steam engine is and the Victorian times which is when I usually thing steam/magic punk

Also lmao Olrox gets the last word again

Ok so they have the French aristocrat vampires doubling as confederate vampires with the explicit colonialism slavery

Do we get more evil lesbian vampries with a take over the world plan?

I’m glad night creatures are a thing here too, its such fun monster designs

Real inversion of Castlevania’s Isaac having forge mastering be freedom from slavery and here it be a process used by the institution of the church as a method of slavery

How does “we need a plan” mean “children with no experience of the world and no experience of the hard choices adults make” in Annette’s response and not have a response because the subject changes??? Like Richter has a point about snapshot moral decisions, 2 or 4 doesn’t have experience so they should really work out any difference of opinion

Oh no the last alive mother figure keeps being helpful that’s a death flag 

Damn lol Olrox and abbey sword guy were dtf Grindr quick. Ass shot!! lmao having that final conversation about demons and Olrox is doing it leaning back, legs spread, dick out 

Can’t wait to see how it goes paying that price, what demon and Olrox’s seemingly invested question “will you [pay the price]” edit: season 1 seems to have ended demon consequence free

The world building this season seems so much richer and broader than the previous Castlevania series, all these different types of demons, magic users, gods, and spirits

Nick pick note: ok the waterproofing can’t be good enough for water to not flow down the staircase into the cellars and give away the secret passage. ask me how I know water loves to travel into basements

I'm enjoying the Emissary's ahistorical fashion in modern club/bdsm gear. Holy shit the “all about sex with you priests, every orifice I have has teeth” holy shit vagina dentata. I literally had to rewind to make sure I heard that correctly 

When Maria’s mother was pushing the stone and talking about being there for people she loves I was thinking “wow considering the hair colors for Maria it  would be funny if the Abbot was her father because it would explain why Maria’s mother, a speaker, would be so defensive of him. But surely they won’t be that tropey predictable” then as soon as the eyes met I was like LMAO

Interesting that Olrox chose then to step in vs letting Mizrak fight Belmont, since maybe he’d be better off letting the Emissary get killed

Love vampires talking with vampires about being an immortal being trapped in the shadows as they power play each other 

“You’re the one with the brand on your forehead” this was such a metal af scene burning the slaver vampire in a cage of crosses. Especially the extremely distorted fisheye focus on the symbol that distort’s the vampries face even creepier 

Oh that’s a good shot of Maria being visually isolated in the black of the Abotts’s cloak when she learns he’s her father, with a bit of visual exaggeration.  The selected impressionism animation in this series is great

The Emissary is now in her second period style outfit (red militaryish tailcoat) the first being the black outfit worn for the funeral/graveyard that looked a lot more rococo aristocratic 

Wait wat, so the vampire messiah look like a white woman with red hair wearing double side petticoats in the European aristocrat style, who has a Russian name and was living in snowy Russia, but she’s talking like she is Sekhmet despite having no Egyptian characteristics at all. Like she looks nothing like the Emissary who is Egyptian. What’s up with that?

Grandpa Belmont is somehow beating “I attacked my son and devastated a country Dracula” in worst hurting a family member reaction to grief IMO

Lacrimosa is GOATed really just best choice to include for this moment especially how they did it with nondiegetic string accompaniment in Edouard’s PoV but that cuts out with the shift to Mizrak/Olrox PoV

“I love everything about adding tension to the relationship and denial of feelings with: "is [turning me into a vampire without permission] what you had planned for me" “Of course not… I’m not in love with you”

Fucking gun axe, and did the vampires just sit around listening to the family drama to know so much 

Nooo don’t hang a lampshade on an ending line be “witty, cunning, and brutal” then say “fuck it” which fits the standard 

Power play the Messiah calling Olrox a dragon when he turned into a Quetzalcoatl in ep1, and then doing a show of force to force him from an insincere bow into a deep on. You can tell he’s fucking pissed off

“Just read the fucking book” and Orlox gets the last word again lmao

Lmao the very on the nose bible verse lines “lift up thy feat” when the birds lift Maria up, the line about slipping after she nearly slips. Wonder what was done first; picking the psalm (Psalms 73:2-5) or the animation direction?

So I thought the vampire messiah was supposed to be an a fraud in identity, but damn she can control the moon. Or was Selhmet not a delusion but a actual magic being waiting to possess her and take over, as seen by the physical transformation to part cat?

I guess Orlox does care enough for Mizrak to get involved awww

Ah the establishing shot visible proof of the limit to the eclipse which doesn’t even cover all of France 

Love the angst breakup, Orlox/Mizrak favorite ship in the whole show

It felt obvious the mother figure character wouldn’t last the whole season but I wasn’t expecting her to be turned

Word Effect where The Emissary is built up as a power threat the whole season then she’s 1 hit KO to show Alucard’s power