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wxldchxld · 3 years ago

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Life Update/Vent

I’m not taking an official hiatus, I just wanted to kinda talk about where I’m at currently and what all has been going on in my life.

I’m having a really hard time keeping track of my threads currently. And while I know a lot of your responses will be like “use a thread tracker” or draft everything that’s just not... plausible atm. I don’t have the emotional spoons for that kind of task and it’s honestly really overwhelming, and even when I attempt to get people to tell me what threads we’re missing only about three people respond to me, which makes it even harder for me to get my shit together. And that’s not a blame thing, I just get really easily distracted and even looking for old threads can be next to impossible. Again, no one’s fault but my own, but it is where I’m at right now.

And I’m gonna put the rest of this under a cut. Just kind of telling y’all what is going on in my life and why writing is hard right now in case you’re interested or you’re thinking my lack of engagement is about a lack of desire to interact.

So I knew at the start of the summer I was going to go for some pretty intensive psychoanalytical testing. Over the years of working with autistic students, I noticed a lot of similar behavior patterns in myself. Issues with social interaction, sensory processing, emotional regulation, etc. After much reassurance from my therapist I agreed to go in for formal psychological testing. I came to her with my suspicions and got very lucky in scheduling.

Right out of the gate my summer was filled with anxiety about what was going to happen and how things would go at the intake, and then after the intake was done my anxiety ramped up about the testing. The testing was extremely emotionally taxing. It took hours and was very repetitive and just overall didn’t make me feel good about myself. I felt like every time they repeated a question about depression or anxiety that I was falling even deeper into the pit of self loathing. But I told myself that if these tests could help me get extended insurance coverage for therapy and some correct medication then all of it would be worth it. Well then before I even had the chance to recover from the experience of testing, I found myself getting extremely anxious about the results of the test and if I’d messed anything up. Not to mention during this time my family from out of town was here for nearly two weeks, and I had to do a hands on crisis management training (where I had to touch and be touched a LOT).

So honestly, while I haven’t being doing a lot from day to day this summer, emotionally I’ve had so much going on that if I’m not in near tears from anxiety I’ve gone completely numb and can’t get out of bed.

Today I got the results for my testing and I just have a lot of mixed feelings about it. I found out that the woman testing me (who I thought was just passing time on her phone ignoring me) was actually watching me the whole time and taking notes on me and while I think the report was meant to sound clinical there was some language in it that kind of feels untrue and dismissive. At one point it says I blame a lot of my issues on my parents. Which isn’t false, but it is weird language when I have years of documented treatment for chronic PTSD due to childhood abuse from those parents.

They also took away my diagnosis for OCD and Idk how I’m going to wrap my head around that. I’ve had this diagnosis for years and I feel like it really accurately describes me and my experiences. And the clinician flat out told me that the tests strongly indicated toward obsessive compulsive disorder as well as obsessive compulsive personality disorder, but that she didn’t put that in her diagnosis because “I already had 4 diagnoses and adding any more was too many.” And not only does that kind of throw me for a loop in terms of where I stand but it also concerns me about the accuracy of my diagnoses if real results were discounted just because she didn’t want to go “overboard.”

This is honestly a lot. I’ve gone from feeling pretty neutral about the information I’ve gotten, to being optimistic about it, and now to feeling kind of shitty about a few things after reading the full report myself and not just having it summarized.

And I say all this possibly just because I have no one that I can really talk to about it and I need to get my thoughts down because it’ll be nearly a week before I get to a therapist, but I also need you guys to understand I’m just in a trash emotional space. I also found out that the people who preformed my testing don’t provide psychiatric care so I have to go through contacting more people, getting another intake with someone, and going through all of this before I potentially find any medication that could help relieve my stress. And to top it all off school starts back in a week.

So I’m very sorry on multiple levels. I’ve been a flaky communicator and dropped the ball on talking to several of the people I call friends on here. I’ve lost things. I’ve dropped threads. The only replies I can get to are the ones directly sitting on top of my draft pile because they’re the easiest ones to find/respond to. I hope you understand the problem is just with me and my very low tolerance for my every day life experience lmao. I appreciate those of you who are supportive of me, who talk to me and reach out and are patient. I haven’t left tumblr, I have no intention of leaving tumblr, and I love my threads and my partners very much. Life’s just hard folks. And I’m sorry.

#negativity cw #i don't know what else to tag this with so if anyone #needs me to put an extra tw or cw please lmk

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bellalluvia · 4 years ago

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“jack of all trades, master of none”

i’ve always been pretty good.

i’m not trying to brag—i hate bragging and pride and attention. but i’ve honestly always been a very rounded personality, pretty good at following directions, and pretty good at clearing every hurdle placed in front of me. *

pretty good at math, pretty good at science, pretty good at language, pretty good at research

pretty good at planning, organizing, and preparing, but also pretty good at improvising

pretty good at music, pretty good at sports, pretty good at baking, pretty good at art

pretty good at looking pretty, pretty good at getting dirty

i’ve had my share of pretty good successes and definitely had more than my share of pretty “good” failures

pretty good at being a leader when i need to, and pretty good at following along

i’ve always had pretty good intuition about people but also been pretty good at being the outsider

my personality type happens to be the one that most readily takes on others’ emotions, making me pretty good at feeling everything for everyone, and pretty good at not feeling my own feelings

i am pretty good at being alone, and at being a good and loyal friend. i am pretty good at logical thinking as well as emotional.

introverted and a people person, i’m pretty good at socializing and pretty good at closing myself off to the world completely

i’ve always dipped my toe into practically every body of water, and honestly tried to dive headfirst into most as well

so i guess it makes sense that my brain wants to try me on 5 different disorders at once

i’m pretty good at anxiously doing everything, and sitting alone and depressed doing nothing. i’m pretty good at obsessing over everything and acting on my compulsions pretending it’s necessary logic, and pretty good at losing all reason and entering panic mode. i’m pretty good at starving myself, and going through phases of “recovery” that looks more like orthorexia.

my brain’s been a jack of all trades, but a master of none. i succumb instead to the masters of my brain.

it’s made me pretty good at hating myself, and i’m pretty good at not hating anyone.

...

*not literally. hurdles is one of the things i’m very bad at. i have no vertical whatsoever unless you give me a pole to vault with or some bases throwing me lol

...

PS i also hate myself for writing such a long post all about me and feel incredibly selfish and weird—like nobody cares, bella! but ima post it anyway bc it was kinda therapeutic and maybe one of y’all out there will relate.

#ana thoughts #just ed things #mental health #anamia #depression #anxiety #pretty good #tw ocd #obsessive #compulsive #panic disorder #panic attack #orthorexx #self sabotage #jack of all trades #master of none

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coldasyou · 5 years ago

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bro tbh the adele response kinda grossed me out but i’m too afraid to say anything off anon cause i’m think but lowkey i think she looked better/healthier before but what do i know i just hope whatever weight loss process she went through was kind to her mental health ya know? like i hope she didn’t lose weight bc someone forced her / the industry like i hope it was a healthy thought out decision on her part. also lmk if anything i said is problematic i wanna be better

I don’t think it’s really appropriate to comment on people’s physical health no matter their body type (because contrary to popular belief, you can’t really tell how “healthy” someone is by their size) but I have noticed it’s almost always fat people who get that kind of comments; no one has ever told my thin friends they’re just “concerned about your health”. In my personal opinion, the diet industry is so toxic and fatphobia is so ingrained in every aspect of our society, there is no way to lose weight in a way that is good for your mental health. I lost fifty pounds through calorie counting and it literally just turned into a game where I tried to eat the least amount of calories possible until it started getting to under a thousand a day. Also almost all people who lose weight gain it back and then some. That ALSO happened to me lmao. Restricting your food intake is not sustainable and I think it’s kind of insane that our society is so obsessed with wanting everyone to be thin-I’m sorry, wanting everyone to be “””””healthy”””””,-that these extremely unhealthy habits are toated as positive just bc they lead to weight loss. Undereating isn’t healthy, intermediate fasting is not healthy, compulsively exercising isn’t healthy, this obsession with weight isn’t healthy! And clearly this entire “war on obesity” has accomplished jack shit because Americans are STILL fat and now the diet industry is making billions of dollars promoting eating disorders, mental health issues, and self hatred. Way to go y’all.

(Sorry this turned to me going on a tangent kjdfkjdfkj but yeah...TLDR it’s pretty much impossible to lose weight “for yourself” bc of the constant messaging we receive from the diet industry takes that choice away from and dieting isn’t healthy, physically or mentally in the long run. This doesn’t mean Adele is like bad for losing weight, it just means our entire view on weight is warped and we need a huge cultural shift to address what the fuck the weight loss industry is.)

#no one @ me for this it's 2 am and I can be coherent LATER #ed mention //#weight loss //#fatphobia //#answered #anonymous

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ladyofpurple · 7 years ago

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GIRL ITS BEEN MONTHS SINCE YOU UPDATED TPOY!! please tell me you haven’t given up on it )-:

I KNOW IM REALLY SORRY OMG

This took a bit longer to answer than it should have because I was trying to figure out how to reply, I guess?? The short answer is basically that writing bits of fic during my exams when I didn’t actually have the time to was super productive, mainly because I Didn’t Want To Do The Thing but my entire future hinged on Doing The Thing and anxiety-driven avoidance is excellent creative fuel, apparently. The problem is, of course, that once I finished and started getting my results back and actually had time to breathe again my brain kinda fizzled out and I never wanted to look at a Word document ever again in my life. Writing is really hard right now, for some reason. And not just TPoy — everything I try to write either gives me a headache, makes every idea I’ve ever had go flying out the window like magic, or looks like absolute garbage to me. (I’ve been trying, though, I promise!!!) There is more TPoY, though!! I swear to God!! It’s just coming along a little slower than anticipated.

The long answer is... a little more complicated and probably more than you’re interested in, and the main reason is the short one anyway. But I’ll put a long answer under a cut just in case (aka the entire history of TPoY lol), since I’ve lowkey wanted to post about it for a while now but didn’t quite know how to? May get a little very personal, I suppose.

Basically, TPoY is and always has been a garbage fic. I don’t say that to disparage my own writing or attempt to elicit praise from anyone: I have always considered it a glorious dumpster fire of experimentation, a ridiculous Frankenstein’s monster of all my favorite ML tropes as a practice run, since it had been so long since attempting to write anything at all. I’m thrilled that people like it, of course! Whenever people send me asks about it my answers always involve a lot of exclamation points and variations on “I AM CURRENTLY SOBBING ON THE FLOOR IN GRATITUDE” because I honestly have no idea how to express how genuinely teary-eyed I get when someone tells me how much they like it, or post a comment. That being said, it was always intended for my own amusement and/or therapy, and that it’s gotten so many bookmarks and kudos and comments is incredibly surreal, even after a whole year.

When I started writing it, I was working through a lot of stuff. My first boyfriend had broken up with me, and as we lived together in his hometown I was stuck there on my own for another year before I could move back home. 2016 was filled with a lot of horrifying shit that kept happening one after the other and I eventually almost had to drop out of school because I couldn’t handle it all. The relationship was pretty toxic but all I knew at the time was that I was scared and alone and heartbroken.

When I started writing, it was after 8 months of the worst bout of depression I’ve ever experienced, and I still wasn’t well, but I functioned passably enough to start hyperfocusing on things. I had an idea about a fic I suddenly wanted to write, and it would have a happy ending and all, but I could work through my feelings in a way I hadn’t tried to since before my ex and I got together. I pulled a lot of the start of the fic (the rejection, the miscommunication, the avoidance) from my recent breakup, yes, but also from my first rejection, aka the only other boy I’d liked enough to confess my feelings to. We were 17, and he admitted that he knew, and then suddenly we weren’t friends anymore. A year and a half later, I got together with my ex, and suddenly after three years of dedicating my life to “us” on his whims he was ghosting me without explanation.

I see a lot of myself in Marinette at that age. The awkwardness, the enthusiasm, the incredibly obvious lovesick obsession with a cute boy who’s nice to you. I wondered if maybe she would react the same, if put into similar circumstances as I had been. Focus on the self-doubt that would follow, based on insecurities she’s already shown in the show — coupled with your standard teenage hormone-fest —and you’d have a fabulous starter for angstfic and a free therapy session all in one.

The problem with that is nobody knows this backstory but me. People focusing on Marinette’s insecurities is nothing new. Other people are annoyed it’s such a popular trope. And the fact that I’ve chosen to focus on certain aspects of the main characters’ identities for the purposes of a story I started on a whim has been making me insecure for a long time because people in the fandom are tired of those characterizations. I’ve never gotten hate comments —I don’t even remember ever getting constructive criticism on TPoY. But I’m well aware that the plot is far from original and definitely lacking in certain places, and as the comments roll in and the hits go up my anxiety mounts because oh my God I’m that guy in the fandom.

I always intended on focusing on different aspects of their characterizations in different fics to suit the plot, y’know? Not ignoring parts of their personalities, but just... emphasizing other parts. But TPoY is the one most people have read. I have a couple one-shots where I tried to do something like that, with different aspects of their characters, but short one-shots can’t really compare to a 100,000+ word WIP, even if they even slightly compared in popularity (they don’t). So my only notable contribution to the fandom is TPoY. And that makes me anxious.

Then there’s the Frankenstein-like obsession with adding every trope I’ve ever wanted to write in a fic like this. I’ve mentioned before that the original plan for this was, like, 10-15 chapters at most. But every chapter I write I’m like, “But what if I did this???” Like I said, I never intended it to be even remotely popular. The only other fandoms I’ve written for are microscopic in comparison. I had no frame of reference for a pairing this big — all my previous experience was from Fanfiction.net, for Christ’s sake. I assumed I wouldn’t finish it, and even getting to chapter 6 was a surprise. But that hyperfocus somehow held on for dear life and I was banging out chapters like nobody’s business. And people were responding to it. And I think that kind of went to my head a little? Not like in an “I deserve all this attention” kind of way, but more like a “People like?? This thing I’m doing??? I cannot squander this opportunity, I must give them m o r e” kind of way. It was the best I’d felt since the breakup and I didn’t really think I deserved it, so I kind of wanted to... prove I did, I guess, by writing everything I’d ever wanted in a lovesquare fic in hopes that people would keep liking it and me and I’d keep feeling nice. (I mean, I’d planned to add in a ridiculous amount of tropes anyway, I just ended up adding a lot more than I’d planned.)

On the one hand, people go nuts for that shit. On the other, it’s getting harder and harder to justify cramming all this shit into the same fic. This compulsion keeps fucking me over by giving me spur-of-the-moment ideas for sub-plots I never wanted and certainly didn’t properly think through before posting the foreshadowing or setup for — yet at the same time they’re usually thought of and integrated several chapters in advance so I can’t just... leave them out? And part of me kind of doesn’t want to?? And I’m trying with every fiber in my being not to rewrite just the first 3 chapters, let alone the entire fic. A side-effect of my FF.net history at 13 was Never Edit Anything. Yeah, I’ll do some spell-check. Maybe some rewording here and there. Sometimes I’ll post a chapter and come back sporadically over the next few days to change out some punctuation or whatever. But if I don’t like a section after writing for a while? Throw the Whole Ass Chapter out. After it’s posted? This Is Your Life Now.

let’s not talk about how everything after chapter 27 was supposed to go very differently

Never mind that, after writing a hundred thousand goddamn words in a year, one’s writing skill tends to evolve and increase over time. Not just in regards to vocabulary, but with consistency and pacing and structure. This means, of course, that I can’t ever reread my own writing without the Evil Writing Goblin in my brain telling me to start the whole thing over from scratch. It’s fine.

I suppose I could get a beta, but I’m very bad at taking critique and as I’m even worse at talking to people than I am at posting on time I don’t think that would work out very well.

The point of this goddamn novel is that TPoY means a lot to me, probably a lot more than people realize. It’s kinda dumb and very cheesy and absurdly long, but it was the first real thing I did for myself after my whole life fell apart. I will finish it!!

But it’s hard to write it right now. I’m trying— I’m writing four chapters at the same time right now (a bit less than 10,000 words combined at current count). I don’t want to try to rewrite the whole fic or keep “mischaracterizing” the characters or lose the suspense I’ve tried to build (or, God forbid, try to keep interest so hard it hurts the rest of the fic) and risk alienating readers. I can’t stress enough how much these supportive comments mean to me, even on something as silly as a fanfic. But I also don’t want to force myself to write it or write something just because other people might or might not like it and risk alienating me. So I’m stuck at a kind of anxiety-induced impasse with myself that’s just made worse by the fact that I’m having trouble writing anything at all at the moment.

Jesus Christ this was longer than I meant it to be. Please don’t take this as a pity-party or anything. I don’t want sympathy or, I don’t know, reassurance or anything, I just wanted everything to be Out There because it really is the most in-depth response I could give and y’all deserve an honest answer. Some of you guys have been reading since the beginning and I can’t express how much that means to me. I feel really bad when I haven’t updated in a long time, because I know my fic makes some people really happy!

And PLEASE don’t take this as a “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT TPOY GODDAMMIT” because this is the opposite of that. I FUCKING LOVE IT WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME ABOUT TPOY. I L I V E FOR IT. But it sucks when the only answer I have is “I don’t know when it’ll be up, sorry :( ”

I mean, that’ll probably still be the answer I give, unless I by some miraculous (heh) stroke of luck) start hyperfocusing on writing again.

But at least y’all kinda know why now.

#did someone call for Too Much Information??#BUT THANK YOU FOR YOUR MESSAGE I LOVE AND APPRECIATE YOU #I HOPE THAT ANSWERS YOUR QUESTION #[SEVERAL HEART EMOJIS]#tpoy fic #anon good nurse #Lady answers stuff

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a-mace-ingly · 6 years ago

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Mercury retrograde is officially over, folks, but things have only just recently become confusing more than ever. I think it’s funny how only a few weeks ago, I was being tormented by a mountain of obstacles that I was so afraid to dive into. Lucky me, I braved them like any other warrior would cause I literally had no choice and successfully managed to conquer them one by one. The rush that I had was incomparable. I literally thought that I would be able to do anything.

Anyway, there’s nothing different compared to now. I can already tell. This week will be a rollercoaster ride (and I hate rollercoasters with a passion). Should I be stepping my game up? I feel like I could do so much more if I only knew how to reprogram myself into breaking my self-destructive habits. I’d like to see myself try. Maybe one day.

For now, I’m just going to allot a few minutes of my waking hours to condition and prepare my mind for what is about to come. Well, let me see. Final theater auditions are tomorrow and guess who’s not in the mood to return to school? I actually do want to play a role but I’m already preoccupied thinking about the future. If I engage myself full time practicing for the play, I won’t be able to focus in the activities that I want to join in our school’s sports fest. Second, I am terrified that I may be turning down the chance of experiencing the YFC Camp next month. Plus, I kinda promised my friends that I’d be there. Theater’s gonna consume that time, for sure. Lastly, entrance exams are around the corner and I AM NOT FINE AT ALL. I already started reviewing but I feel like it’s still not enough? Whenever I try to do something and it doesn’t reach my standards, I get even more frustrated. How fascinating it must be to meet someone as messy and cluttered as me with a mind as equally chaotic as mine struggling to fight off her obsessive-compulsive tendencies? Lord, bakit niyo po ako ginawang ganito?

Honestly though, a part of me wanted to join the theater because of someone I used to like. I wanted him to see me and never be able to forget me. But, jokes on the both of us, I think? I completely lost that spark for him now that I’ve gotten quite a completely different impression. He’s still a cutie, though. I’m still gonna push my acting dreams, y’all. I love what I do and I’m happier now knowing that there are other people who appreciate it, too.

I don’t want to hop on to details that much but I feel like there’s a storm brewing out there somewhere. I’ve been very careful not to trip on the danger zones or cross forbidden areas but guess who’s stuck in this hellhole again? That’s right. Your mothafuckin hoe. Me. Someday, this will all make sense.

Good night, everyone.

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shitokayimgay · 7 years ago

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Hey u guys okay?

that’s a really great question honestly, thank you for the concern. life is overwhelming a lot of the time but cinny and i are both still here!!! and i know we’re both so grateful for all of your patience and support.

mental illness is a big issue!!! i know for me specifically i have obsessive-compulsive personality disorder which makes doing any kind of task kinda hellish. i love being on here and helping you guys cuz i love you all dearly, it just takes a lot of effort to start the process. im in therapy though and im working on stuff and so hopefully things will keep getting better with time!!

and plus there were particular events happening recently and things got muddled BUT im on now and i updated bgcp which i will make a post about soon and im trying so so hard to get my ducks in a row. thank you all for your patience, youre all angels and you deserve the best.

tl;dr: neither of us are ever gone because we want to be or because we don’t love y’all. we’re just struggling like everyone else.

i’m trying to get my shit together, i promise.

#bec #homoriginal #i love you guys #Anonymous

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tigresjumeaux · 7 years ago

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As per the request of @my-insanity-is-irrelevant, here goes nothing. Not even gonna reblog the ask meme post bc I’m literally answering every question rip

1. What is you middle name? Marie. #basic 2. How old are you? 19. 3. When is your birthday? May 31. 4. What is your zodiac sign? Gemini. I’m actually two people and they’re both snakes. 5. What is your favorite color? I honestly don’t have one, they all have their perks. I do tend to favor cooler and darker colors tho 6. What’s your lucky number? 7 and 9, but odd numbers tend to treat me nicely in general. 7. Do you have any pets? Three! A Boxer named Buster, and two 14 y/o cats named Asheley and Nadia. Here’s hoping for many more in the future. :’) 8. Where are you from? Born in Seattle, raised in the greater St. Louis area, and going to school in Muncie, IN. 9. How tall are you? 5′6″ 10. What shoe size are you? 8 in American women’s size. 11. How many pairs of shoes do you own? Oh lord. Probably like 15 because I refuse to get rid of any, but I only wear like 4. 12. What was your last dream about? Roller coasters and an ex being nasty. DJ Khaled was there. 13. What talents do you have? I’m fairly good at reading people, and also drawing. I’m also a quick learner, if that counts as a talent? 14. Are you psychic in any way? I wish. I have a weird force of karma that seems to follow the people who have hurt me around, but that could be coincidence. I’ve helped check other people’s energies (as well as my own) before, but my knowledge is limited and I don’t think I have the sense of self to pursue that right now. 15. Favorite song? At no point in my life have I had just one, but “Fury” by Muse and “Love is Mystical” by the Cold War Kids are up there right now. 16. Favorite movie? Wonder Woman was so, so good, y’all. I also like 17. Who would be your ideal partner? daisy ridley right now, my standards are both really low and really high. Just...someone I get along with and who gives a rat’s ass? 18. Do you want children? I think I might, yeah. Depends on who I end up with, but I like the idea of making small humans and showing them how the world works. Teaching others has always helped me figure shit out, anyway. 19. Do you want a church wedding? nooooo thank you 20. Are you religious? Not in the sense that I participate in organized religion, but I do believe in aspects of many different religions. I’m particularly fond of reincarnation. 21. Have you ever been to the hospital? I had to have my chin stitched up when I was like, 3. And also I had my tonsils out at 10. 22. Have you ever got in trouble with the law? Nope, and I’d prefer to keep it that way. 23. Have you ever met any celebrities? I met Paramore the summer before my junior year, and I met Jensen, Jared, and Misha from SPN my senior year! 24. Baths or showers? Showers. 25. What color socks are you wearing? au naturale i’m barefoot bitches 26. Have you ever been famous? one time i did a drawing and it got 100 notes 27. Would you like to be a big celebrity? noooooo maybe C-list at most 28. What type of music do you like? I’ll listen to just about anything, but I lean towards alt rock, metal, punk, some indie if it isn’t too hippie-ish. 29. Have you ever been skinny dipping? nah 30. How many pillows do you sleep with? Like...7? 31. What position do you usually sleep in? On my stomach with my top half wrapped around a pillow or a blanket. 32. How big is your house? Two-story, four bedrooms. Parents raised three wild kiddos here 33. What do you typically have for breakfast? A smoothie or a sandwich when I’m actually up in time. 34. Have you ever fired a gun? No, but I’d like to at least try. 35. Have you ever tried archery? yes and i ain’t no katniss 36. Favorite clean word? Maverick (that’s one of many) 37. Favorite swear word? Fuck. it’s just so versatile 38. What’s the longest you’ve ever gone without sleep? 60 hours or so 39. Do you have any scars? On my heels, chin, thighs, hips, and over my wristbones. I’m clumsy, have pets, and have self-harmed. 40. Have you ever had a secret admirer? An anon flirted w me on Tumblr but it was someone in my French class, lel. Wasn’t a secret for too long. 41. Are you a good liar? White lies, yes. Big lies, noooo. 42. Are you a good judge of character? Generally? 43. Can you do any other accents other than your own? Not a whole lot on my own, but I’ll pick up anything I hear regularly. 44. Do you have a strong accent? Not really? I just kinda talk and drop bits of different accents here and there. I don’t think I have that much of a St. Louis accent. 45. What is your favorite accent? I have a soft spot for slight Southern accents. Eastern European and Australian are also awesome. 46. What is your personality type? sad 47. What is your most expensive piece of clothing? A $120 jacket from Zumiez. It’s HUF brand but I bought it for the wolves on it tbh 48. Can you curl your tongue? Yes and it comes in handy w girlfriends 49. Are you an innie or an outie? Innie 50. Left or right handed? Right 51. Are you scared of spiders? I used to, but I’m getting better. They startle me but I’ve carried a wolf spider outside so 52. Favorite food? changes by the hour tbh tho chicken is always good 53. Favorite foreign food? Shepherd’s Pie. 54. Are you a clean or messy person? Clean, but disorganized. My room is cluttered but not like, dirty. 55. Most used phrase? "Oh my god.” 56. Most used word? like 57. How long does it take for you to get ready? depends. not usually over 45 minutes unless I’m getting Fancy. 58. Do you have much of an ego? Not really. 59. Do you suck or bite lollipops? Yes. 60. Do you talk to yourself? More than anyone else. 61. Do you sing to yourself? Yes, especially when I can’t hear my own voice. 62. Are you a good singer? N o 63. Biggest Fear? Forgetting and being forgotten. 64. Are you a gossip? drama that don’t involve me is the best drama 65. Best dramatic movie you’ve seen? Goodwill Hunting aaaaaa 66. Do you like long or short hair? On myself, defs long. I love pulling it back too much for short. 67. Can you name all 50 states of America? Yep! I 68. Favorite school subject? English. Also psychology. 69. Extrovert or Introvert? Extrovert with trust issues, abandonment issues, and that shuts down a lot. and also clinical depression 70. Have you ever been scuba diving? No, but I’ve been snorkeling! 71. What makes you nervous? Anything has the potential to make me nervous, tbh. But not knowing things is The Worst 72. Are you scared of the dark? Oh god yes 73. Do you correct people when they make mistakes? I do when it’s something small. Big mistakes are things you gotta figure out for yourself. 74. Are you ticklish? Less and less over time, tbh. 75. Have you ever started a rumor? Never on purpose. I’ve heard a few things I’ve said get distorted and spread but I try to Cut That Shit Out Quick 76. Have you ever been in a position of authority? I was a President of a few clubs in high school, captain of the swim team, and a manager for the track and cross country teams. 77. Have you ever drank underage? Whenever I can, tbh. Not even to get drunk, necessarily, it just tastes good 78. Have you ever done drugs? Only weed with a close friendo of mine. I also may have saved a few narcotics from my wisdom tooth removal for a rainy day 79. Who was your first real crush? My best friend in middle school. That was a doozy. 80. How many piercings do you have? I have doubles in my ears, so 4. I’d like triples and possibly a septum piercing. 81. Can you roll your Rs? Yep! Sometimes I do it by accident when speaking 82. How fast can you type? Not very tbh 83. How fast can you run? That depends on why I’m running. 84. What color is your hair? Dirty blonde. 85. What color are your eyes? Blue-gray. 86. What are you allergic to? Certain kinds of deodorant and also tumblr 87. Do you keep a journal? I mean I scribble down stream of consciousness shit when trying to Cope w things, but I don’t keep one regularly. 88. What do your parents do? Dad’s an engineer, mom’s the HR person for a whackass ad company w fun people 89. Do you like your age? I mean I’d rather be able to legally drink, but I’m a legal adult but it doesn’t feel Real yet so I guess it ain’t all bad 90. What makes you angry? When people are mean for literally no good reason. 91. Do you like your own name? it’s aiight. people trying to pronounce my last name is amusing 92. Have you already thought of baby names, and if so what are they? I like the name Oliver a lot for a guy? But really I guess it’d depend on my what my wife likes 93. Do you want a boy a girl for a child? dog 94. What are your strengths? I know people and can communicate pretty well, and I’m generally good at being pretty friendly. Also I can swim so if someone throws me in the water the joke is on them 95. What are your weaknesses? Can’t be left alone for long periods of time, relying on one person for everything, and ignoring myself and other friends, compulsive tendencies, and an overall obsessive personality. 96. How did you get your name? Named after my dad’s grandma, iirc. Except Claire instead of Clara. 97. Were your ancestors royalty? I’m sure someone was idk 98. Do you have any scars? didn’t I answer this already 99. Color of your bedspread? Black and white at home, orange and purple in my dorm. 100. Color of your room? Very dark forest green. I like it lots.

#tigres talks to people #shoosh claire #ask meme #my-insanity-is-irrelevant #long post

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lykezoinks · 8 years ago

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[ This ficlet is a formal apology for all the klangst as well as a birthday present for two of my best friends, @t1dalwav3 & @tokyocrisis!! Go wish them happy birthday, ‘cause they’re the best. This ficlet is based off of our Voltron first responder au fic, Breaking Point, that you can find here if you wanna give it a read! The ficlet under the cut is a spin-off bit for something we have planned for future chapters without being spoiler-y. Happy birthday to my babes; I hope y’all enjoy! ]

title: are we there yet? words: 2,795 ship: klance rating/genre: T for language, humor, shippy nonsense of two dorks flirting and low-key being super into each other

Not to sound like a total black sheep, but Keith has a long list of things that he will never quite understand about society. Now he can add the romanticization of roadtrips onto it. From watching daytime television, sitcoms have led him to believe that roadtripping is supposed to be some grand adventure that friends and families embark on in their pastel colored hippie buses or wood-paneled station wagons. There’s supposed to be sightseeing and maps with overlapping red lines, road games, and songs that should probably never leave a summer camp full of seven year olds. It is not supposed to be a temperamental firefighter crammed in his red pick-up truck with the most aggravating ocean rescue guard on the planet. But here Keith is. With Lance. For sixteen hours.

So far on their impromptu road trip, Keith has compulsively eaten two bags of Twizzlers— empty wrappers now properly stuffed in his cup holders— finished ten pages worth of Sudoku puzzles, and begrudgingly agreed to a game of ‘I Spy’ for the first and last time. Lance kept it going for a full forty-five minutes, and there is no doubt in Keith’s mind that if he has to say the phrase “with my little eye” one more time, he will spontaneously combust.

And thinking about that game makes Keith realize it’s been awfully quiet for the past twenty minutes. And his eyes are getting a little dreary as he drives down a mostly vacant highway. When he glances over at Lance, he sees a head of shaggy brown hair drooped forward like a palm tree leaf.

“Lance,” Keith says gruffly, crashing his knuckles into the other’s arm just hard enough to hurt.

“Ow!” Lance rubs at the sore spot on his arm, and Keith can see Lance pouting from the corner of his eye. “What the hell—”

“You are not falling asleep on me, or so help me, I will make sure we stay in the sleaziest Motel 6 I can find.”

Lance lets out a groan, slumping in the passenger seat with a whine and rubbing at his eyes with a yawn. “You can’t honestly expect me to stay awake while you’re playing…” He snatches at Keith’s phone, watching the screen light up with a grimace. “Dear And The Headlights… Where the hell do you even find these bands?”

Keith is pretty sure his eyes are gonna get stuck mid-roll one of these days. And it’ll probably be Lance’s fault. “Wasn’t driver picks the music your rule?”

“That was before I knew you were gonna play trash.”

“It’s pronounced acoustic,” Keith corrects, ignoring Lance’s mock gagging. “And you have no room to talk if you’re gonna play nothing but Britney Spears and Nicki Minaj.”

“Well, if you’re gonna play ��acoustic’,” Keith is sure he didn’t say it that pretentiously, “you can’t honestly expect me to stay awake.”

“Put on whatever you want!” Keith’s short fuse is about to be blown, and Lance just perks up in his seat with a wiggle of his torso.

“Relax, geez. Let’s see what’s on the radio…”

Lance starts punching the pad of his finger against the seek button, giving each station a few seconds. Static… Static… Commercials… Some 80’s ballot that should be buried along with the leg warmers… Static.

“Lance, would you please just—”

“Shhh! Sh!” Lance shoves a hand up against Keith’s arm, releasing it as he listens closely to what sounds to Keith like gibberish. It takes a few seconds for it to register that the disc jockey is speaking in Spanish. “Did he just say Fotographía?”

“I don’t speak Spanish, I have no idea what he—”

“Shhhh!”

He’s gonna kill him. Keith is actually going to commit first degree murder and dump Lance’s body out in the desert.

When a steady melody of guitar chords drift through the air, Lance starts bouncing up and down in a way that makes the car shake.

“Wait, this is acou—”

“Yes. But this is Juanes. So shush.”

Keith opens his mouth to speak, has a rant loaded and ready to go on his tongue, but then his breath catches in his throat. Lance has never sounded less annoying. In fact, he sounds… Amazing. His voice is like honey, sweet and soothing as it carries through the car.

“Cada vez… Que yo me voy… Llevo a un lado de me piel…”

Keith forces himself to close his mouth, absently remembering something his teachers used to say about flies nesting. Did it get colder? Why does he feel goosebumps? Whatever snarky comeback Keith had begins to fade from his memory.

Then the chorus rolls in. It occurs to Keith that something is very wrong with his heart. It should not be beating this irregularly.

Lance is completely unaware of the fact Keith is having both shivers and hot flashes, gazing out the window as he continues singing along softly. “Es por eso que debo decir— que tu sooo-lo en mis fotos estas…”

Lance stops his singing, and Keith can’t wrap his head around why a tinge of disappointment settles underneath his ribs. The female voice in the song gracefully begins the next verse, and Lance chuckles softly, looking back at Keith.

“I’m not allowed to sing this part,” he explains, some dreamy smile brightening his face. “This is my older sister Carmen’s part. It’s a dumb rule she made up when I was, like, ten. Which is probably for the better, ‘cause I can’t hit Nelly Furtado’s notes—”

“Y—You… I d—did… I didn’t know you could, you could sing…” Something’s wrong with Keith’s tongue too.

“What are you talking about?” Lance snorts, throwing his feet up on the dashboard, something Keith has told him not to do a million times. But he can’t remind Lance again on account of heat flushing his entire face. “I sing all the time.”

“Singing Ke$ha in the shower does not count as real singing,” Keith explains, narrowing his eyes a little at the road. He sighs, flickering his eyes between Lance and the windshield a few times. “You’re… You’re really… Good at it.”

There’s a few long moments where Keith thinks Lance didn’t hear him. And for a split second, Keith catches Lance in the corner of his eye and could swear Lance looks flustered. But that can’t be true, because then Lance is pushing his hair on top of his head, holding it up with long dainty fingers, and beaming, neck craned and eyes closed. “Well, I didn’t take choir for four years and get half the solos for nothing.” Yeah, okay, that sounds more like him.

Keith doesn’t comment, just shakes his head and lets Lance finish out the song while trying not to choke on his thickening throat.

Lance hums out the last of the notes, sitting back in the seat and sighing contentedly. “Man, I almost completely forgot about that song. My dad played Juanes around the house all the time, so my siblings and I are kinda cursed with knowing most of his songs. It’s like they’re ingrained, dude.” Lance taps his temple for emphasis.

Keith can’t help but feel warmth pooling in his chest. Lance has a way with storytelling. Sometimes he makes it feel like Keith is there. And though he’s not familiar with the feeling of nostalgia first-hand, he thinks he can feel it through Lance. And it feels warm and sunny, bright and rustic, like sepia photographs.

“So,” Lance says casually, rolling his shoulders. “Do you sing at all?” He dips his head into Keith’s periphery, waggling his eyebrows suggestively before Keith rolls his eyes again.

“Do you wanna grab dinner soon?”

“Oh, hell no. You are not changing the subject. You’re turning red, by the way.”

“Ugh.” Right when he thinks they’re getting somewhere. “I mean, I don’t know. I was never in choir or anything like that. And I have sung, just… Never for an audience, I guess.”

“Well, you got an audience of one right here,” Lance gestures to himself, placing his fingertips under his chin and grinning brightly. Keith is sure he isn’t red anymore, because he can feel the color drain from his face.

“No. No way in hell. No.”

“C’mon, Keith!” Lance whines in a tone that makes Keith’s eye twitch a little. Then comes the chorus of pleases.

“Fine! Fine, okay. Plug my phone back in and… Pull up the RENT soundtrack.”

Lance snorts, quirking a brow at Keith. His silence prompts Keith to turn his head toward the other— reluctantly— and sigh.

“What?”

“Nothing, I just never pegged you as a showtunes guy.”

Keith looks back at the road, taking one hand off the wheel to emphasize the finality of his statement when he says, “It’s a rock opera.”

“It’s a musical.”

“A rock musical. Totally diff— Wait, you know RENT?”

“Dude, everyone knows RENT… Or at least ‘Seasons of Love.’ Besides, Mama McClain is obsessed with musicals, so I’m guilty by association, and I know a lot of them.” A pause. “Including your ‘rock opera’… What’s your passcode?”

“Fire.” Silence again. Keith doesn’t bother turning his head this time, groaning instead. “What?”

“That’s creative,” Lance tells the firefighter, sarcasm thick in his tone. “How did you come up with that one?”

“Motel 6,” Keith warns, shooting a half-second glare. “Full of roaches.”

“Alright, alright… So what are you serenading me with, huh? A little ‘Tomorrow 4 U’?”

“God, no—”

Lance interrupts, already starting to sing in the most flamboyant tone possible, “Today for youuu! To-mor-row for me!” slinging his shoulders in some pathetic excuse for a dance move.

“Okay, as gay as we know I am—”

“Incredibly.”

“—yes, incredibly— you are not subjecting me to perpetuating my own stereotypes by singing the song of the drag queen in the show, as much as I love Angel. Besides, that song’s reserved for sing alongs with Shiro.”

“It’s what?” Lance is smirking, and Keith kinda hopes that he can develop the ability to teleport.

“I’ve said too much— Just! Put on ‘One Song Glory.’”

Lance makes some noise that sounds like protest, and Keith adjusts his hands on the steering wheel.

“What?”

“You would pick Roger’s song, you freaking emo.”

“Put it on. Before I lose my patience.”

Keith is bluffing, and Lance knows it. Keith can’t sing, and he’s just not willing to admit he’s not good at something. Lance has had this conversation with Hunk and Pidge several times. They came to the conclusion that if Keith could sing, they would have caught him doing so in the shower at least once by now. They’ve caught Shiro shamelessly belting out Queen songs when he thought no one would be home. Hell, even Pidge gets down to some Slim Shady every now and then. And if Keith could sing, he wouldn’t adamantly refuse to come to Karaoke night with them on Wednesday nights. Or at least come up with a better excuse than, “I really don’t need the second hand embarrassment from middle-aged wine moms trying to sing Shania Twain.” Because all the roommates know Keith can’t resist at least tapping his foot along to Shania Twain.

No way in hell can Keith “Voicecrack” Kogane carry a melody, plain and simple.

But Lance might as well lean back and enjoy the trainwreck. Tapping his thumb on the song title, Lance settles into his seat. He has to give Keith props, though. ‘One Song Glory?’ It’s ballsy. Especially when Keith probably sounds like a screeching cat—

“One song… Glory… One song, before I go. Glory. One song to leave behind…”

Okay… That was clean. Really clean. And low and a little raspy in a way that makes Lance’s lungs malfunction. But that’s probably just surprise given that Keith doesn’t sound like a dying animal. Yet. Lance will wait for the key change. That’s the real testament, anyway.

“Time flii-ii-iies… Time diiiiies! Glooo-oo-rr-yyyy-yy-y!” No. Fucking. Way.

Lance gapes, hearing Keith hit notes and run with them, vibrato low and husky in a way that… Well, Lance is pretty sure he gets a fever or something. And his mouth isn’t really working, so he can’t comment. He just listens to Keith sing the entirety of the song. Then the fact that it’s less than a three minute song pulls Lance back to reality. He just barely registers the fact that ‘Light My Candle’ has started, so he pauses the song before Mimi can tell Roger her life story.

“Um…” Keith is the first to break the silence, shifting stiffly in his seat as he continues to drive down the road like nothing happened. “So—”

“You have the voice of an angel.” What?

“What?”

“You just said…”

“I didn’t say anything.”

“… I… I heard you.”

“Nope. Never happened.”

Keith starts pronouncing a mess of stuttering vowels, and Lance perks up, brushing his moment of weakness off of his shoulders.

“So! That was… Decent. A little pitchy, but decent.” He hums for a moment to fill the silence before an idea sparks in the back of his mind. “So how about a duet?”

“Ugh, Lance—”

“C’mon! It’ll be fun…” He starts thinking up a song the two of them would know, scrolling through a mess of playlists. “Wait, you lived with Shiro before you guys moved in with us, right?”

“Yeah… What does that have to do with anything?”

“That means you’ve seen ‘Grease’ at least fifty times, right?”

Keith deflates, lips pulling into a somewhat pathetic frown. “Seventy three.”

“Perfect!” Lance wastes no time in pressing his finger down on the song. “Oh, I didn’t think about who’s doing what part.”

“Does it mat—”

“Dibs on Danny!”

“Oh, c’mo—”

“I got chiiiiills! They’re multiplying!” Lance starts, snapping along to the beat and avoiding Keith’s more than apparent eye roll. “And I’m loooosing controoo-oool! From the power! You’re supplying. It’s electrifying!”

Keith seems to get over his masculinity in a matter of seconds, crooning along to Sandy’s voice. “You better shape up. ‘Cause I nee-eed a man… And my heart is set on youuu. Better shape up…”

They swap back and forth, neither of them caring to follow the melody all that closely by the time the chorus comes along. Somewhere mid-way through the song, they’re hardly harmonizing. Lance lets himself have fun with the song, throwing his hand against his chest dramatically, belting out the notes with all the breath his lungs can muster. Keith joins in, and it suddenly becomes a contest as to which one of the two can look more ridiculous. Keith fakes a swoon, throwing the back of his hand against his forehead and dipping toward Lance in a way that makes Lance break out in a fit of laughter before he can carry on with the verse.

As the song fades out, they’re both swinging their heads from side to side, snapping and twisting like they belong in a 1940′s dance hall more so than a pickup truck.

By the time the song is over, they’re both laughing wildly until tears form in their eyes. Sucking in a few gasps of air, Lance runs the edge of his finger against the brim of his eye, still snorting a little.

“Oh my God,” Keith chuckles, shaking his head. And when Lance looks at him he’s grinning. Keith. Grinning. It’s almost unheard of.

Lance pulls himself together quickly, mock gawking at Keith with something like horror in his expression. “Keith… Keith, I think something’s wrong with your face…”

“Huh?” Keith says, placing a hand to feel against his cheek, brows furrowing. “What? What is it?”

“You’re…” Lance points a finger. “You’re smiling.”

Keith deadpans, turning his head to stare at Lance for a solid three seconds before he laughs, shaking his head. “You’re such a prick.” On the last word, Keith reaches his arm out and shoves at Lance’s shoulder, setting Lance off balance for only a moment as giggles bubble up his chest.

But then he halts. Keith doesn’t seem to notice, too busy pulling the car over on the side of the road. And Lance is frozen. Because that was a shoulder shove. A Keith Kogane Shoulder Shove, Keith’s number one flirt move when he’s joking around with virtually any guy he thinks is even moderately attractive. And he just….

“Alright, you seem awake enough to drive now,” Keith says absently, throwing his truck in park before slipping out of the driver’s seat.

But Lance is frozen. There is no way Keith was flirting with him, right? But… The Shoulder Shove.

“Yo…” Lance turns his head to see Keith holding the passenger door open. “C’mon, Chinese fire drill. Rapido, por favor.”

Rather than point out how Keith just butchered that pronunciation, Lance undoes his seatbelt whilst pondering life as he knows it.

#klance #voltron #voltron fanfic #klance fanfic #my writing

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stephhannes · 4 years ago

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dressed to anti-depress

in the last two years, i’ve spent a lot of time asking myself questions like “will getting a smoothie today cure my depression?” and “will cutting my hair cure my depression?” and the answer to both of those questions is no. but you know what will kinda cure depression? getting on anti-depressants.

earlier this year, my mental health was…concerningly bad, and quickly getting worse. i’ve recently gotten pretty good at managing my depression on my own by setting strict boundaries for myself and sticking to them (no screens allowed in my bedroom, exercising every day, no drinking alone etc) but out of nowhere, my anxiety began spiraling out of control. (my doctor suggested it’s due to ‘perhaps, ptsd’).

but basically, by the time february rolled around i was having a really tough time. i couldn’t enjoy being around anyone because all i could think about was the inevitability of their death. i’d get lunch with a friend and spend the entire time panicking because what if this was the last time i ever got to get lunch with them? i saw my cats and i immediately started sobbing because my first thought was “oh my god they’re going to die one day.” i had a tough time showering because i was convinced that i would slip in the shower and crack my skull and no one would ever know because i live alone. no matter what i was doing, i would find some way to imagine some sort of catastrophe occurring. i noticed that i was starting to develop compulsions- i would obsessively check my rear-view mirror when i was driving, i wouldn’t leave the house without pacing for awhile before i left. i was having a hard time completing tasks which then made my anxiety even worse. every upsetting thought i had felt enormous and scary and would send me spiraling. i couldn’t focus, my memory was getting really terrible.

and it was exhausting.

i’ve been putting off trying medication for years. when i was growing up, i remember this weird stigma about anti-depressants. the discourse surrounding them was always like “nah man, they make you a shell of a person. totally numb no emotions or personality anymore.” my parents just like…didn’t believe in mental health so i suffered endlessly in middle and high school because no one would take me to therapy or acknowledge that like hey, maybe my kid isn’t lazy, she’s just clinically depressed. when i was in college, i finally went to therapy for a little bit because it was free through the university. and that helped some, but i still wasn’t completely cured.

when i moved to new york, surprise, i was still depressed. one of my friends was constantly in my ear saying “hey buddy, you might really benefit from anti-depressants” and i finally realized “actually, i think you have a point, it’s probably worth a try” but every time i’d bring it up with nathan he was super opposed to it and would always just suggest i do something like “get out of bed before 4pm,” or “eat better.”

by the time we moved to philly i was hitting a breaking point. my anxiety was so bad that nathan hated being in the same room as me when i was freaking out because my vibes were just so wack. the problem was that i had no money, and no health insurance which really left me in a position where the only way i could get help was with nathan’s help- i brought it up kind of casually one day like “hey i really think i might benefit from therapy or medication” and he was like “actually, i think you’d benefit from getting a hobby”

and then a couple of days later i had a total nervous breakdown and i begged him to help me. i’ll never forget sobbing and saying “i don’t know if i need medication or therapy or both but all i can think about any more is killing myself and i can’t just hobby it away.” and he was finally like “ok, we’ll look into it this weekend” and the next day i woke up with such a sense of relief because i was finally going to get help and i actually had a super productive day. i got some work done, i got a library card and checked out some books. i ran errands, i cooked dinner, i read an entire book. i was actually present in my relationship. i was excited to get my life and myself back.

and then nathan literally died that night so y’know all of those plans were thwarted.

and then i spent two years in a fugue state and then i kinda got my shit together and then a pandemic happened and blah blah blah whatever.

and then we’re back at february 2021.

after realizing that i had become such an anxious wreck i finally started looking into options. and there she was, an app that allowed me to literally just text a doctor and be like “hey doc im feeling sad :(“ and they’d be like “oh cool, here’s a prescription for zoloft lmk how ur doing in a month xoxo” and for the low cost of 30 dollars a month i have serotonin for the first time in 13 years.

over the last couple of days i’ve been asked the question “what are you thinking about right now?” a few times and my answer is always the same- literally nothing. zoloft has my head so empty and it’s incredible. like, for once i’m not in my own head questioning every god damn thing i do.

the other day, one of my friends was like “it’s actually enjoyable to hang out with you now�� which sounds rude, but makes a lot of sense tbh- sometimes i’m literally just not fun to be around. now i’m fun most of the time- except for the window of time where i realize “oh god i haven’t taken my zoloft yet today” and i start having withdrawal symptoms. but otherwise, i’m great!

it’s interesting feeling a sense of happiness that isn’t just a manic episode. like sometimes, i’m driving to work and i smile thinking about something one of my friends said earlier in the day. a big 180 from a few months ago when i couldn’t drive without my little beady eyes glued to the rear-view mirror. when i’m left alone with my thoughts for more than 10 minutes, they’re usually pretty decent thoughts, instead of the usual “everyone hates me and i am going to die alone."

i’ve also become a total boss babe- now that i’m not overthinking everything i’m actually able to do my job without an overwhelming sense of anxiety. i’ve always been capable and good at what i do, but for the first time i actually feel confident in my abilities.

with a combination of taurus season being very generous to me and a year of Pandemic Realizations i feel like i’m actually a cool, functional human again (for the first time, even?). i’ve spent a lot of time filtering myself, toning down aspects of my personality to appeal to whoever i’m around, turning up parts of my personality to get attention, etc- and now i’m just out here like “ok so anyway this is me- you get what you get, you don’t throw a fit”

surprisingly, people have been pretty receptive to that, it’s almost like i am a good person that is worthy of love and kindness or something.

i still haven’t gone to therapy, but i’ve been able to work through a lot of trauma on my own over the last couple of months. i’m finally at a point where i can acknowledge the things i’ve been repressing for a few years without feeling like everything is about to collapse. in time, i hope i’m able to get to a point where i can actually verbalize the feelings i’ve been having, and the things i’ve been (kylie jenner voice) realizing- but i’m not there quite yet. it’s been a weird experience not spiraling every time i feel a human emotion. now i’m able to acknowledge things and be like “ok is there anything i can do to resolve this right now? no? ok then i don’t need to fixate on it” and i can push it away until i need to acknowledge it again. i used to be paralyzed by any sort of inconvenience.

though, i will say, i’ve started doing this thing where i’ll be like “y’all mind if i share a genuine human emotion?” and then i’ll say something that i never would have dreamt of saying a year ago- generally something that insinuates that sometimes i do experience the human feeling of vulnerability.

every once and awhile i do still get hit with the wave of “why couldn’t i have been this functional when i was with nathan?” guilt. i think that ties into a lot of the grief i feel over all of the years i lost due to my depression- and even more specifically the months i lost due to my depression when i first moved to new york, and again when we moved to philly. when i first moved to new york, i didn’t really leave the apartment for 3 months. i slept most of the time. there were days long stretches where i was just completely emotionally unavailable. and much like in my adolescence when my parents refused to acknowledge that maybe i needed help, sometimes i feel angry that nathan also refused to acknowledge that maybe i needed help.

i spent a lot of time really agonizing over the fact that eventually i would be stable, and would eventually be a better partner to someone else than i was to nathan, and i think there’s still a part of that that exists in me- but i’ve found a little more peace with the concept. i’m thankful that nathan had the patience to deal with me when i was losing every last marble rattling around in my brain- but there’s always a part of me that’s like “damn, i wonder what our relationship would have been like if i’d been a little less unstable”

you can really tell that my mental health has improved just by the trajectory that my close friends instagram story has taken. it used to just be me drunk and crying every night at 4am and now it’s thirst traps and girl boss selfies.

there are still character flaws that are so deeply ingrained in me that i’m constantly having to be aware of and combat, but it’s a lot easier to do that when i don’t exist on pure anxious energy. everything i do is still very much informed by the deep-seated fear of rejection i have, but i’ve been trying very hard to start to break that down. it’s like an irrational fear. like ‘afraid to tell my friend i love them when i’m hanging up the phone because what if they actually just hate me?’ level. now my friends will literally call me back if i don’t say i love you before hanging up and be like “hey bitch i said i love you say it back” and now it’s becoming a little less terrifying.

my inability of showing vulnerability definitely stems from that fear of rejection. look, it’s scary to be like “hello this is a tough thought i’ve been having lately do you mind unpacking it with me?” i know that if i were to say that literally anyone in my circle would be like “yea let’s do it” but just the concept that the option of them being like “nah that’s a lot” keeps me from saying anything. there have been a couple times in the last few months where i’ve stepped out of my comfort zone to acknowledge and unpack some of those hard truths though, so congrats to me or whatever. i’ve even been hugging my friends more often (which is saying a lot coming from a woman that has never hugged her best friend, still to this day).

anyway, as soon as i start going to therapy it’s going to be over for these hoes because i’m gonna be hot and sane and probably unstoppable.

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neblarchive · 8 years ago

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Mod Post: The Backlog Never Ends!

Hey! Hello! Holy crap! I’m back!

But where have I been the past, oh, year or so? A very good question, and I shall be giving an answer here in a bit. But first, I would just like to say thank you to all the folks who have kept me in their follow list after my disappearance, and a big hearty Welcome To The Backlog, Sorry For My Absence! to all the awesome peeps who started following me during my time away! Amazingly I have just over 700 followers now, which is just kinda mindblowing. Of course, I don’t know for sure how many of those may be spam accounts or how many aren’t actually coming around to Tumblr regularly anymore, but maybe I’m just a bit too cynical for my own good and should just be happy for 700+, right? Right!

Okay, so, now that I’m back, what’s the game plan? Well, first thing I’m gonna do after posting this is make another post closing out the last couple of games I was playing way back when. It won’t be as comprehensive a Final Thoughts post as I would like, but c’mon, it was like a year ago I finished up with those games. Cut me some slack, Jack! After that, I will start putting up new posts on the games I’m currently playing and movies I’m watching and books I’m reading and so on and so forth. In short, back to business as usual, and it’s about damn time. I may have gotten a lot of stuff played and watched and read and out of the way over the past year or so, but trust me (and the title of this place), the backlog truly never ends.

Ever.

Now, with all that out of the way, on to Why I Disappeared. Fair warning, this is mostly going to be me bitching about my problems and then scheming to get all your hard-earned cash, so those who are offended by such things may want to just close out now and wait for my next actual post about playin’ vidya gaems.

Here’s the deal: I have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. No, I don’t just think I have OCD like so many people who just like the mustard on their sandwiches JUST SO. It’s the for real deal, and it causes me no end of trouble. It always has, in fact, but the past several years have been especially horrible, especially given the bad state of my physical health as well. It got me fired from my last job, and I was - and to some degree, still am - in such a state that I simply couldn’t work anymore because of it.

Not because I’m afraid or incapable of doing work, mind you. See, the primary way my OCD expresses itself is in social anxiety. OCD is an anxiety disorder and often does cause all sorts of general issues for me about a lot of things, but the chaotic world of social interaction is particularly stressful for me, and just the thought of working with or for other people gives me the screaming mimis.

So it was that after I lost my job, I found myself completely unprepared mentally and emotionally to find another one. I did my best to keep things together while I worked on a disability case, but unfortunately it wasn’t enough. I lost the case, I lost my internet, and shortly thereafter, I lose my apartment. I was forced to move to a different state to live with my brother and start the disability case over again. For the past year, we’d lived in a super crappy slum-style apartment and were having trouble keeping everything running, either because of the bills or because of the awful condition of the apartment itself. Meanwhile, my case dragged on and on and on, mostly because I did not yet have enough medical history regarding my condition to make a decision. Fortunately, I was able to get medical insurance, which has allowed me to get back on my meds and start seeing a therapist . . . but unfortunately, it still hasn’t been enough and I got turned down for disability again. Good times.

BUT!

Thankfully things have still taken a turn for the better recently! Due to an extreme stroke of luck in the “it’s not what you know but who you know” variety, my brother and I are now renting a house that’s a hundred times better than the old apartment along with being way way cheaper, so we were finally able to afford to get the internet turned back on!

Of course, cheaper still ain’t free, so here comes the part where I follow up my sob story by shamelessly begging y’all for money. You ain’t got to do so, of course, and I promise I won’t be mentioning it very often after this, but there is a PayPal donation button here on NEBL, and it’d be awfully nice of folks to kick a dollar or two in there every once in a while so we won’t have a repeat of the past year’s dearth of content. I swear that it’ll all go toward utilities, rent, food, and video games. Sailor Scout’s honor.

And hey, even if you don’t donate anything (heartless bastards!), I hope everyone enjoys the new posts!

Cheers!

#mod post

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