#I’m not sure it’s fatshaming exactly

[lovevalley45]

#fictober23 day ten

"It's alright, I'm here now."

original fiction (power payback) (continuation of day 6)

cw: implied child abuse, mentions of fatshaming

word count: 664

Haley had barely been able to think about anything but if Hugo was alright for the whole day. She couldn’t help worrying that his dad had caught him, or something had happened to him on the way there. It wasn’t too long of a bus ride to Bright City from Tonapah, but just long enough for him to get into trouble.

She probably could have thought more before she told him to come to her. She was lucky enough to have a tiny studio apartment her parents paid for, a luxury few freshmen had. They’d worried about her having a transphobic roommate, even if she passed pretty well. That meant no one to get mad at her for having someone crash at their place, sure. But it made it hard to have someone crash with her in the first place. 

Those worries plagued her mind as she made dinner. She couldn’t exactly turn Hugo away - he was a runaway now. Though the evidence of his father’s abuse was clear on his face, it was the exact reason he wouldn’t be believed. 

She didn’t have much of an appetite for her mac and cheese, but she still sat down to eat it, eyes on the door. Her food got cold, the cheese growing more solid, by the time there was a knock at the door. 

Haley found herself hesitating when she got up to answer it. But finally, she stood, and went to answer it. 

Sure enough, Hugo was standing on her doorstep, backpack slung on his shoulder. It hadn’t been that long since she’d last seen him, but he looked so much more tired, shoulders slumped lower. His hair was cut short, not enough for his curls to be in full force. The metal scar across his chin reflected the bright lights coming from her apartment as he gave her a slight smile. “Hey, Hales.”

She couldn’t help it. She threw her arms around her, invoking a slight wince from him. “Oh thank God, you’re safe.”

“Ah, don’t squeeze me so hard,” Hugo said, patting her back. 

“Sorry, sorry,” she said. 

“It’s alright, I’m here now,” he said. 

Haley let go. “Am I really the one who needs reassuring right now?” Before she could answer, she took hold of his arm. “Come in.”

 He followed her inside, still hunched inside his hoodie. “Well, I feel a lot better. Seeing you.” Hugo let out a sigh. “The moment I passed that ‘Welcome to Bright City’ sign, I knew it’d be okay.”

“Of course.” Haley glanced at the half-empty pot of mac and cheese on the stove. “You hungry? I could warm some dinner up for you.”

Hugo lowered himself into a chair. “I’m starving. I haven’t eaten anything since I was at the bus depot and had one of those weird protein bars I grabbed from the pantry.”

She smiled. “I mean, this mac isn’t much better, but-”

“Are you kidding me? You know my dad would never let me eat something like that. Always going on and on about me being pudgy and making him look bad,” Hugo said. 

Haley rolled her eyes as she grabbed her other bowl. “Your dad really is such a dick.”

“I know.” He readjusted himself, then winced. “Do you have any painkillers or something?”

“Probably. Check the medicine cabinet.” 

“Alright.” Hugo stood back up and made his way to the bathroom. He was limping, which wasn’t new - the injury that caused his burnout had a way of acting up quite often. But the way he held a hand to his side was.

“What happened in that fight with your dad?” Haley asked. 

He stopped. “Like I told you. It got bad,” he answered, not turning to her.  

Haley sighed. “Alright.”

As she stuck the bowl in the microwave to warm it back up, she heard Hugo rummaging in the medicine cabinet. 

At least here she knew he’d be safe from him. If not forever, at least for now.

[queeringdiedreiausrufezeichen]

@dakrisart tags. Yes! This right here! (On the lesbian romance part. I’m really really hoping they will have/keep that part in the audio drama that comes out next. Cause as far as I know it’s where the storyline happens in the books.) That’s what I mean. Also yes! Me too! I’m so excited for the show!

@peppsta tags. This is exactly the thing that bothers me sooo much. They have honestly pretty similar timelines looking at their problematic aspects. As in, at the time the first cases of !!! came out, which were filled with a fair amount diet culture bs, the ??? cases also perpetuated casual diet culture and/or fatshaming in their stories. (And lots of the new ??? case still do in my personal opinion. At least the fatshaming hasn’t really left that much.)

The thing is as much as it might be a surface level effort. !!! has a whole book/audio drama dedicated to a case that somehow revolves around body positivity. Is there probably things to be said about the case being kind of boring/to much of trying to teach a lesson and not enough fun? I’m sure there is. But still. The fact that it exists in the first place is great. Honestly I would love the ??? authors somehow dealing with the implied disordered eating Justus appears to have. I just know the chances of that happening are way lower than some maybe a bit preachy one line of “fat people are pretty” in a !!! case. Not even trying to say one has less problematic things baked into it. It’s way more complicated. It’s not an “this one is filled with less *insert form of discrimination*” question. It can’t be, because the majority of these types of children’s media all have these problems. TKKG has it, 5 Freunde has it. It’s a problem of the oppressive norms that society tells us to abide to, being present in content in general.

Went with the diet culture/fatshaming example, cause it’s the one that can compared in the easiest way. If we go into the parts of racism and sexism, it’s broader and less directly “provable”, because the racism in D3F became way more subtle similar to the way that the racism in D3A isn’t explicit either. Directly comparable with easily provable instances of racism would only be the usage of the I-word to refer to indigenous peoples in both series. But even this one is difficult to compare in regards to prevalence, because one series is set in the US, where it’s easy to have anti indigenous racism in storylines, while in a series set in Germany it’s less easily incorporated besides the usage of the I-word. If we look at that aspect we could go “Oh D3F is way more racist, cause of the amount of cases they have that have some from of anti indigenous racism.”, but D3A just doesn’t have the set up to have cases that are racist towards indigenous peoples as much, simply cause of location. So it’s kind of impossible to say if they would have just as much of it, if it was to be set in the US.

(I have been planning on doing in depth posts about the different aspects of the “problematic content” in D3A, basically since I made this blog and I’m sure eventually I’ll actually come around to writing them. Here is a quick more bullet point like run down. XD)

I need people to be normal about “Die drei Ausrufezeichen“. And what I mean by that is I need people to stop comparing them to “Die drei Fragezeichen” in order to dunk on them. I need people to not make mean comments when they see content of it. I need people to stop complaining about it existing as a piece of media. No one is forcing you to engage with it. No one is forcing you to read, listen or watch it. Okay?

Can you dislike it and critique it? Sure what ever. But please just don’t engage with it if all you are gonna do is talk about how annoying, awful or useless it is. (<- and if you so desperately want to do that. At least do it with style. Aka pull up all the specific instances that bother you and make you think it’s annoying/awful/useless. And if all you can come up with ���girl version of Justus, Peter and Bob”… I don’t think you have a good starting point.)

Is there lots of important criticisms to be made about the content and the existence of the series in the first place and also necessity of it existing? Yes! For sure!

But some random person complaining about “no one wants this annoying/boring copy” in the comment sections of promotion for the show isn’t going to bring that type of discussion. And I’m so tired of seeing it. Like please stop. Lots of these people are full on adults and I’m just like so annoyed and tired that nearly every time I go into the comment section of a post promoting the show there is at least one comment saying something along the lines of: “This is bad. Why would anyone want this?” (Only times I don’t see that in promotional posts if it’s the post is by someone of the crew who worked on the show and the likelihood of the post to reach a broader audience is nearly 0 unless you are actively searching for it.)

[deathsmallcaps]

Guys, I think this counts as Dead Dove: Do Not Eat. Take heed.

You click on this ad, bored. “I need to lose this quarantine weight anyway.”

Surprisingly, it leads you to a white screen, with no flashing lights or annoying little slides that you only get through half before getting redirected to porn. Just a mostly white screen, with a couple of steps on how to lose weight.

You take a screenshot. “I’m going to the grocery store tomorrow anyway”, you think. “I can pick up some apple cider vinegar tomorrow.”

The next day, you are shopping. You make awkward eye contact with the lady in front of you who has her nose hanging obnoxiously over her mask. She glances down at the bottle of vinegar in your basket, and nods approvingly, winking at you like you share a bond.

You immediately start doubting buying the vinegar. You do not want want a part in whatever this woman thinks you are doing. You do not want to have something in common with this woman at all. But then you’re second in line, and you really want to go home, and in the end you buy it. It was on sale anyway.

When you get home, you pull out an old container tub to serve as your foot bath, and look at the instructions again.

1: Make a bath 1 part apple cider vinegar and 9 parts water. The more area of your body submerged, the better.

2. Wrap your foot in cling wrap, not tin foil, with the heel of a loaf on your sole.

3. Submerge as much as your body as possible into the mixture, and reap the benefits!

Frowning, you check your kitchen cabinets. You only find cling wrap enough for one foot. Luckily, your roommate kept to their usual MO and didn’t eat the heel of the loaf.

Sighing, you queue up a Netflix show to play while you’d set up and then wrap your foot.

“Why am I doing this?” You think. But work was hard today, and you need a good laugh. And hey, maybe the bread and the vinegar will exfoliate your sole. Standing up all day at the register has not been kind to your feet.

Not even looking at the tub, keeping your eyes on the laptop screen, you slowly dip your foot into the tub of the vinegar-water mixture.

At first, nothing happens. Then your foot starts to tingle a little bit. You figure it’s the skin of your foot softening because of the contact with water, and the acidity, and don’t question it. There’s a heartfelt confession scene going on between the protagonist and his nemesis, and you don’t want to miss it.

But the water is starting to get warmer now. And the sensation in your foot is feeling less tingly and more like you’re oozing something. Having recently skinned your knee, you remember what it feels like to be leaking. So you look down.

The water has turned a cloudy shade of yellow, and now seems thicker and higher up in the tub than you remember. It also smells a little bit. Morbidly curious, you dip your finger in, and it comes away feeling oily.

No, not oily. Fatty.

The mixture and the bread are literally soaking fat out of your body.

This is upsetting and gross. You try to lift your foot out of the mixture, but it feels like it’s stuck to the bottom of the tub. Scared, you stand up and try to shake it off your foot.

The tub and the mixture act like jello, moving around the foot in a sort of fluid motion, but not actually coming off.

You call for your roommate. No one answers. You realize that they had a night shift tonight. You’re all alone.

Scared, you call 911, but they won’t be able to come for over 20 minutes. Somehow, Wednesday night is their busiest time. The operator stays on the phone with you, but seems disinterested. You have a feeling they think you’ve lost touch with reality. It makes your heart sink.

Meanwhile, you look back down again, and shriek, nearly dropping your phone. The goo is sliding up your leg, seemingly getting thicker by the minute. The oil is disgusting, and more of your body feels like it’s oozing out something.

The operator says some comforting words, and they don’t work. You ask if you should head out to meet the ambulance, hoping that somehow you’ll meet someone outside of your apartment who can help you. The operator strongly advises against that, and you stand, horrified, and unable to make the decision between staying or going.

You decide to go. The earlier help can get to you, the better. The goo has made it half way up your thigh now, and you’re worried about how it will make it through or past your underwear, which were elastic but not made to withstand this ... substance. It has already passed the bottom of your shorts.

You try to step forward, but you feel weak and the goo feels heavy. So you crawl over to the door, and go out into your apartment building’s hallway. The other apartment on this floor is empty, so you know you need to go downstairs or outside to find someone. The phone is on speaker now, and the operator sounds calm but displeased that you are moving.

When you reach the stairs, you decide it’s safer to crawl down backwards, feet first. Unfortunately, that means near the bottom, you place your had into a little if of goo residue.

You immediately try to wipe it off on the rough carpet, but it clings. The sucking feeling is now coming from two places, and you’re feeling quite weak and hungry. The goo is covering your butt now, and is descending down your other leg and up your torso.

A fellow resident passes you, but they’re too engrossed in their phone and earbuds to notice you on the floor. So you crawl out into the street.

You’re exhausted, both from the motion and the effects of the goo. So you sit on the steps of your apartment building, waiting for an ambulance or death. You wish your family lived closer, or that your friends weren’t all in college right now.

You shiver. It’s wet outside and it’s early October. And the goo is connected now, and nearly reached the bottom of your other legs. You feel like you’re deflating, the step becoming harder and colder the longer you sit ok it, and your ribs feel like they’re poking at your organs.

The sensation is so overwhelming you think your body shut down your nerves or something. You don’t feel cold anymore, but your breath stinks, and you slowly lose the ability to move your arms. “So it’s sucking away my muscle, too.” you think. You lose your energy to speak, and the operator seems to be a little more frantic, telling you to hold on and don’t worry, emergency services are less than five minutes away.

Mostly, you just feel alone.

———

When the ambulance arrives, you’re still alive. Your breaths are shallow, and your eyes are somewhat responsive when they shine lights into them. But nobody wants to touch you. They came prepared for a different situation, not a biohazardous one. So by the time they put their suits on and call for backup, you’re gone.

All that’s left is almost literal skin and bone, and some hair. The goo starts sliding off and coagulating further.

By the time the real biohazard team arrives, the goo has started coming towards the nearest paramedic, who is unaware.

It needs to eat.

[salemwritesxx]

𝓯𝓪𝓵𝓵𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓯𝓸𝓻 𝔂𝓸𝓾. | 𝙸𝙸

𝕋 𝕒 𝕜 𝕒 𝕞 𝕚  𝕂 𝕖 𝕚 𝕘 𝕠  |  ℍ 𝕒 𝕨 𝕜 𝕤

     ⇴ male reader [22, chubby, 194cm]      ⇴ all characters are depicted as [18]+

↣ rating: 18+ ↣ warnings: smut; height difference/size difference; facesitting; ass eating; modern AU; chubby, tall reader; reader’s “friends” fatshaming reader and just being absolute assholes before it gets to the spicy good stuff

part 1.

｡☆✼★━━━━━━━━━━━━★✼☆｡

Chuckling, his hand reached out to your cheek when you leaned in; immediately returning the sweet kisses. Kei’s golden eyes fluttered open once you pulled back again, only to giggle a “What?” when you turned your head to kiss his little hand.

“Your hands are so cute… and tiny.”, you snickered yourself.

Hawks couldn’t say anything back. After all, it was true. His hands were so small compared to your own – and he adored that. Biting his lip, he tried to suppress his wide smile as best as he could when you pressed another kiss onto the back of his hand and fingers which were adorned with rings. They made his hands even more pretty.

You and Hawks had been dating exactly six months. Hence why you decided to go to the bar where it all started. This time, you didn’t mind sitting at one of the tables, because all you could focus on was this beautiful man besides you. And Keigo definitely made you feel much more comfortable and confident. Love was amazing.

Both of you were so into the moment of sharing little kisses and just having a conversation about different things in life, that you didn’t even realize a few familiar faces entering the bar. And you wished it had stayed that way the moment you heard their calling.

“Yo! It’s [Your.name]!”

“And Takami-san!”

All you could do was fake smile and greet them as well. You had heard from Keigo what one of your supposed ‘friends’ had said. The car accident remark hurt – a lot. So, in the last few months you had tried to distance yourself from your friend group. Not only because you wanted to spend as much time with your boyfriend as possible, but also because they weren’t good for you. You had known that for quite some time, however that one thing certainly was the last straw that broke the camel’s back.

Hawks besides you was immediately uncomfortable, but he smiled politely as well. However, when he started playing with the many rings on his fingers, you knew you had to do something. Especially when they sat down and started chatting.

“Uh, I’ll buy us something to drink, yeah?”, you tried to flee the awkward situation.

“Ah, then I’ll definitely need to make some room for more.”, was Keigo’s excuse as he hastily stood up to walk towards the bathroom.

Taking a deep breath, he leaned in front of the sink, his ring’s clacking as he washed his hands.

“Fuck. How are we gonna get rid of them? This should have been our date… Kh!”, he thought and clicked his tongue in the end.

You, who stood in front of the bar, also were thinking rapidly what you could do. If you could just tell them it was your date with Hawks.

“Argh! You are so fucking big and yet you can’t grow any balls! Idiot!”, you insulted yourself, “If I could just tell them to kindly fuck off… Damn it.”

How often had your friends stood you up? Left you alone during parties? Talked shit about you? And yet you weren’t able to tell them to go away for once.

Hawks was the first to return, however as he walked up your friends were sitting with the back facing towards him, hence they didn’t see him. Thus, they also didn’t see that he stood behind them when they talked shit again.

“I mean… model? Have you seen him? He’s fucking tiny and fragile. As if someone like him would be a model. I haven’t even seen him on any magazine anyways.”, one cackled.

“Right? And he ain’t even THAT hot. But of course stupid [Your.name] is gonna buy it, I mean, his head is as big as a melon but his brain? Nut sized!”, another laughed.

“Their height difference is fucking laughable!”

“Only their height? Fuck, you can make three little Takamis out of [Your.name]. That’s fucking hilarious. Just watching them side by side is so ridiculous. They probably don’t even fuck.”

“Ew, can you imagine [Your.name]? Ugh!”, he loudly gagged, “I’d rather shove a cactus up my ass than do-”

Just listening to that made Keigo furious. Someone who was supposed to be your friend group talking so much shit was disgusting. Hence he stepped forward and banged his hand onto the table, making them stop their cackling. If looks could have killed, all your friends would have dropped dead.

“You’re like fucking little High School girls cackling and talking shit. No wonder none of you is in a relationship, you fucking assholes.”, Hawks growled.

Before he could say any more though, you came back with a Red Bull for you and a drink for Hawks. Though, immediately, you realized something was off.

“Kei? Everything okay?”, you carefully asked once you put down the Red Bull and glass.

He wanted to just grab you and walk out. They ruined your six month anniversary date. Yes, it might be something overly cheesy and stupid, but it was important to you and him. And those fucktards ruined it all. But, he just shook his head and sat down, you had bought the beverage after all, so he was going to drink it.

“No, Baby, everything’s okay. Thanks for the drink.”

So, you sat down as well, wondering why your friends looked so bashful and uncomfortable. It only took a few minutes of you and him awkwardly sitting, no one really talking and just nipping on your drinks. Hawks had been playing with his rings absentmindedly again when he couldn’t take it anymore. Fuck the drinks, this was too much.

“[Your.name], it’s getting late. I need to go to work tomorrow, do you mind if we cut it short today and go home?”, he asked with his fake smile.

For a moment, you didn’t know if he just wanted to escape the situation or if he really wanted to go home. But, as far as you knew, he was free tomorrow and you had plans to stay over-

You needed to stop overthinking everything, thus, you just nodded.

“Of course. I’ll drive you home.”

“Thanks. Oh wait.”, he suddenly said when you had already stood up.

“Hm?”

Then, he grabbed a tissue from the table, your friends just watching, still feeling bad that they got caught talking shit. But no one could have known what was about to happen next.

Reaching out his hand, he softly wiped your face, leaving you a bit confused.

“Oh, thank you?”

Keigo just chuckled though and smiled, “No problem. Just wanted to make sure my seat’s clean for later.”

Then, he threw the tissue onto the table, flashed your friends a “fuck you” smile and glare, before grabbing your hand and walking outside. You just completely flabbergasted and a stuttering mess as you helplessly followed your small boyfriend outside.

“K-Keigo…”, you were visibly embarrassed.

Hawks know he may have gotten a little too far. Flaunting your relationship was one thing but saying that thing in public might be too much for your shy heart. So, the ride home was unusually quiet, which weighed down his heart even more. Your date was totally ruined now. He wanted to say sorry, but the silence was just… too much. Thus, he kept his mouth shut as well.

When you finally reached your apartment, you just quietly walked upstairs. You were so deep into your own thoughts you even ran against your doorframe, since you were so tall.

“Ow!”, you immediately grabbed your head. That hadn’t happened in quite some time.

It only showed how distracted you were from the scenario in the bar.

“[Your.name]? Are you okay?”, he immediately turned around and looked up.

“Ah? Yeah. No, it’s… it’s okay. Guess I was just really absentminded. Don’t mind me.”, you smiled at him, though Hawks still felt bad.

He should have just left after he caught them and not do this stupid joke in front of them.

“Okay… I’m gonna take a shower, okay?”

“Yeah.”, was all you answered and then it was an awkward quietness again.

Ah, you wondered what had happened between Hawks and your friends and what had led him to do something like that. Now, as you thought back, it was quite funny. Their faces were priceless, too. And it wasn’t even the case that you couldn’t take a joke. It was just the fact that your friends had to hear it that it was… embarrassing? Why though? Because they found out you had sex? You didn’t really know. All you knew was that, you had to cut them off as soon as possible.

After what felt like half an hour, Hawks came out of the bathroom and thus, it was your turn to shower. Once again, there weren’t any words exchanged. Until you finally joined him in bed after your own shower. Keigo had been waiting for you and the moment you laid down beside him, he turned around to face you.

“I’m sorry, [Your.name]. I know I shouldn’t have lied and done THAT an-“

“Ah no, no.”, you interrupted him and gestured a little, “It’s fine. It was a good excuse and… thinking about it now THAT was kinda funny.”, you finally snickered.

Which certainly made Kei’s heart laugh again as well.

“It was, wasn’t it?!”, he chuckled, then smiled – genuinely.

“Yes, it was a good one. Their faces were great. Sorry, too. I … get so easily flustered still. It’s still kinda new and all.”, you then admitted.

“It’s okay, I know that and still went with it. Next time I’ll only do that when we’re alone.”

“Hahaha, okay. I can live with that.”, you laughed and then finally kissed him softly.

Looking at you for a moment, he didn’t know if he should even say something, but then again…

“You know, I caught them talking shit again.”, resting his head on your shoulder, he slung his arm around your broad chest. His cold little feet touching your shin as he had wrapped his leg around your own. He was so tiny.

“Ah, I thought so…”, you sighed deeply, “I’ll definitely cut them off soon. It’s not like they will miss me anyways, well… maybe because then they don’t have someone who’s their idiot for everything.”

“I’m sorry they ruined our date, Babe.”, you then whispered and kissed his forehead.

“It’s okay. At least we have the rest of the evening just for us.”

“Yeah.”

Like that, you cuddled together. You didn’t mind it anymore when he grabbed onto your chub. People had done that to mock you before, but Keigo would have never done it with that intent. He just liked grabbing onto you since you were so much bigger than him, which meant he fit just perfectly tucked right under your arm. Just where he belonged.

For a while, you laid there. The quietness surrounding you wasn’t awkward anymore as you softly played with his hair and he played with your hand. It was just relaxed and soothing.

Meanwhile, it looked differently inside your mind.

“Okay, just say it.”, you kept on cheering you on.

Ever since he said THAT, you couldn’t stop thinking about it, which, inevitably, led to you thinking about actually doing what he had said. Which then meant you slowly became horny.

Your heart was hammering against your chest way too wildly when you leaned in. You felt out of breath just by thinking what you wanted to say. It was fine. You were dating. This wasn’t inappropriate and Kei had started it so…

“So…what do you think? Is your seat clean now?”

It only took a second for Hawks to realize it. Redness spreading all over his face in an instance. He always tried to be so confident and cocky, so it caught him off-guard hearing you so straight-forward for once. However, with redness also came a big smirk and his golden eyes gleaming when he looked up to meet your own [eye.color] ones.

“Looks pretty good to me.”, Kei barely whispered back while scooching closer and connecting your lips eventually.

A sweet kiss quickly becoming heated and sloppy as you grabbed his ass and pulled him on top of you. Hawks immediately moaning into your mouth as he grabbed onto the pillow. He loved getting thrown around a little, especially when you were so nice and strong and big.

Even though his cheeks were still pretty warm from blushing, it didn’t take long for him to wiggle himself out of his briefs. It certainly also helped that you hooked your fingers in and pulled them down at last.

“Hmnhh”, he mewled once you pushed him up higher, your big hand clawing at his ass and leaving marks behind.

“Turn around, Baby?”, you asked in between passionate kisses.

And his answer came promptly when he rose and bit his lip for a second.

“It’s a little embarrassing…”, yet he completely sat back up and turned around, which made you chuckle.

“Hmmm, but you did it anways.”, being the one to tease him for once was nice.

“Hahaha I sure di-ahn!”, he laughed only to interrupt himself with a soft whine when you grabbed his ass and pushed him closer against your face.

You didn’t even waste another second as you let your tongue flick against his hole. Lapping around for a moment before teasing him with the tip. Earning his cute moan immediately. Biting his own finger, he tried not to become too loud. Though as you licked over his ass with your broad tongue, a shivery moan escaped his throat just like that.

After using some spit for lubrication your tongue was back instantly to lick and flick. Your fingers holding his ass tightly left red marks behind that made Hawks moan in delight. Pushing himself even further down onto your face without really realizing it. Though you didn’t mind at all, rather you used it to push your tongue inside.

“Ngh! Ahh-“, arching his back, Keigo reached back to try and grab the headboard for support.

Your own deep moans sent vibrations through his body, making it even harder to resist the urge to just ride your face. However, with how eagerly you ate his ass, your tongue relentlessly wiggling and thrusting, it was pretty hard to move himself, thus being completely at your mercy.

“Ohh fuck- Ah! B-Baby…”, he choked out and moaned.

Pulling back a little, you went back to flicking the top of your tongue, tickling his soft hole and listening to his grumbling as he tried to sway his hips to spur you on. But, you loved to tease him. Hearing his quickened breathing and the impatient whines made your cock twitch and leak.

Though, in order to make him feel good, you soon pushed your broad tongue back against his twitching ass to lick almost slowly over his soft hole, before pushing your wet muscle back inside. His delightful hiss and the shivering of his body told you everything you needed to know.

His golden eyes were closed and his bottom lip was caught between his teeth. Another suppressed moan finding its way out of his mouth. Messy blonde strands of hair fell into his face, before he threw his head back when you, unexpectedly, reached around his thigh and touched his leaking cock. Your big hand wrapping around it was almost too much as he tried to thrust into it, simultaneously also rubbing his ass against your face more, thus feeling your tongue even more intensely.

“Ahn Ah! [Your.name] agh-“

However, when he softly pushed your hand away, you were a little surprised. Though not for long when he also raised his ass and turned around a bit, his golden eyes gleaming with lust.

“I want to… cum with your cock inside.”, was all he choked out under heavy breathing.

Hence you just gulped and sheepishly grinned. Reaching for the nightstand, you grabbed the lube, Keigo’s hands already busy pulling down your pants and kissing down your cock. Only to moan loudly when your thick fingers pushed inside his soft hole. The lube making such noisy squish sounds when you thrusted inside. Your big hand groped his small ass to spread his cheeks while you kept fingering him.

Your own deep groans and moans as he licked over your shaft and sucked on your cockhead got him even more excited. Thus, after a few moments of being stretched, he sat back up again so you pulled your fingers out. Simply watching as he moved and hovered over your cock.

“Kei-“, you choked out his name and instinctively grabbed his hips, once again realizing just how small he was. Your fingertips almost touched, he was such a fragile thing compared to you.

Though, despite being so small, Hawks grabbed your fat cock and slowly pushed down. The tip alone made him hiss, before a breathy moan followed. Once he sat in your lap, your dick buried snug in his ass, he leaned back, your hands giving him support and he held himself up as well.

“AHhh!”, one thrust was enough to make him moan in delight, hence with a quickened heartbeat, you started moving.

Easily holding him in place as you started shoving your cock inside his tight ass. Kei’s arms visibly shaking and his head thrown back.

“Ahh- [Your.name]- Mhn! Ah!”, though it didn’t take long for you to push him up completely, his hole gaping and twitching, before throwing him onto his belly.

“AHnn, so rough.”, he purred as he presented his ass instantly. Once again - he just loved getting thrown around a little.

But not being able to think about it much longer, you had already pushed your cock back inside, making him moan in bliss and his hands instantly clawing at the sheets. Your own hands had grabbed his hips again, thus being able to thrust in as deeply as possible.

If it were possible, you might have thought you could see little hearts floating around Keigo’s head with how much he enjoyed himself. His moaning loud and not holding back as you drilled your cock into his tight hole.

Burying his red face into the pillow, he didn’t even try to hold back his moans. Just loving the way you blew his back out, making him so soar that he couldn’t even sit tomorrow morning. His delicate body shaking so much as waves of pure lust swept through him. His small cock bouncing with every thrust, the sheets dirtied with precum and sweat.

“[Your.name]!”, he moaned out your name.

Twisting his body lightly, he looked back and reached out his hand, instantly meeting your own as you grabbed and squeezed it.

“C-Come here…”, Keigo stuttered under heavy breathing.

“B-But… I’m gonna squish you.”, you groaned back, not wanting to lay on top of him with your heavy, chubby body. He was so tiny…

“Don’t ca-Ah! [Your.name]… please…”, was the last thing he whined and how could you say no?

“Fine…”, you let go of his hand and hovered over him before lowering your body onto his, “But tell me when it’s too uncomfortable.”

Though Keigo didn’t care anymore as your heavy body pushed him more into the mattress, a mere moaned “Uhgn!” all he could do. And then, you started thrusting again. He simply loved having your body on top of his, feeling your weight push him down.

Since you were already in the perfect spot, you just lowered your head to kiss along the nape of his neck. His soft little mewls as you nibbled on his skin spurring you on more. Your skin slapping against his as your hips moved as much as they could.

“Ah ahh B-Baby, I’m… Nghh!”, he tried to warn you as you kept fucking him mercilessly.

Your hips only stopping for a few seconds here and there, before you were back to shoving your cock inside, earning Keigo’s loud moan. His ass was tightening around your dick more and more as he approached his orgasm. Hawks’ insides were fluttering as you didn’t stop thrusting into his hole.

“Oh fuck- Kei-go…”, you choked out his name as your arms wrapped around his small body. Your hips moving on their own as you vigorously moved. Hips smacking against his ass uncontrollably.

Both of you moaning as you approached your orgasms. Hawks the first who surrendered to the pleasure. A loud, blissful moan escaping his throat and his body shaking underneath you. Cumming onto the sheets while he pulled you with him. Your own body shivering as you hugged him tightly and drilled your cock into his ass one last time before cumming. Filling his sloppy hole with your cum as he just happily mewled and moaned.

For a moment, you stayed like that; gasping for breath and shaking. Hawks groaning, a crooked happy smile on his lips and looking like he was on cloud nine, babbling nonsense. After a while, you slowly sat back up and pulled out. The soft squish sound and the cum flowing out immediately was sending another blissful jolt down south to your cock.

“Hmm, you look even more pretty like that, Baby.”, you chuckled and softly smacked his ass.

Hawks just giggled as well and pulled you down and besides him.

“I love you.”, he whispered before kissing you.

Happily returning the sweet gesture, you buried your hand in his hair, listening to his soft happy hums as you massaged his scalp. Your heart was thumping so much in your chest, wondering how you seriously deserved someone like him.

“Thank you.”

“For what?”, he chuckled as his head fell back into the pillow, his beautiful eyes filled with so much love as he looked at you.

“Just… for not giving up six months ago. I was really- just an asshole to you because of my own insecurities and… when I think about what might have happened if you didn’t try again, I would still be miserable right now. So just.. thank you. I love you.”

Biting his lip to try and hide his stupid happy smile, it, however, didn’t really help much. Hence he leaned in to kiss you once more. Which then ended in your mouths being tangled yet again as you pushed him more into the mattress.

｡☆✼★━━━━━━━━━━━━★✼☆｡

@salemwritesxx || do not repost, edit, modify or translate my works

⇻ salem.talks: here’s part two! it took almost a month wtf well here it is!

[shining-magically]

so I’ve wondered this since the trailer came out years and years ago and Chloe defended the movie - was the red shoes teaser written by the same team that made the movie? were they forced to market it like that, was that based on an earlier draft, etc?? not sure if you know but you seem like the leading expert!

Sorry, this is gonna be an absolute novel because you know I’m an animation fan and the history and production of Red Shoes and the Seven Dwarfs is SO interesting and insane. Like, Tangled levels of insane. Thanks for calling me an expert, no one else was gonna do it so I just kind of took up the helm lol.

Here’s the low-down... The timeline of the movie’s production is an absolute mess and kind of an extremely wild ride. It was in production for ten years, went through a lot of different crew members, and went through at least two other major versions of the story before landing on the final version.

Since there’s not a ton of info on the movie’s production, a lot of this is pieced together from different interviews and context clues, and also a lot of what I’ve read and what I am quoting has been translated from Korean, sometimes pretty roughly. But yeah.

Here’s the story of why the Red Shoes and the Seven Dwarfs teasers and poster were so, so bad and fatshame-y and the actual movie was so, so good and body-positive. (With pictures and production artwork!)

(This is a beast of a post so I’m putting it under a cut.)

All right, so. After its conception originally as a short story by the South Korean studio Locus Creative in 2009-2010-ish, Red Shoes and the Seven Dwarfs was being worked on and was set to come out in Summer 2017, as evidenced by this poster at the 2015 Cannes Film Festival, featuring a different logo and very different character designs for most of the dwarfs.

In early-mid 2016, the first teaser (in which we see Snow White undress and then two dwarfs recoil in horror at her fatness when she takes her magic shoes off) was released, after the film had kind of been slowly chugging along for 6 or so years. (I am having such trouble pinpointing when the second teaser was released (in which one of the dwarfs basically attacks Snow while she is sleeping to steal her shoes), but I believe it was around the same time.) The teasers didn’t get that much traction because this was a small film from a small indie studio in South Korea.

None of the final actors had been cast yet. At this point in the production, the story was different, one of the many versions that the movie went through. As in the final movie, the dwarfs were actually cursed knights/princes and Snow White switched back and forth between two body types due to her magic shoes, but in this version, the dwarfs needed to steal the shoes from her in order to break their curse (rather than needing “a kiss from the most beautiful woman in the world” like in the final movie).

The weird thing is, I believe they had JUST changed the movie’s story when the teaser came out. I’m almost positive it was released more as a proof of concept than as an actual trailer for the movie. They had just recently combined two separate characters (seen above), a typical pretty, skinny princess character (Snow White) and a cute chubby girl character (’Bonnie’), into one single character that switches back and forth between the two appearances when she wears the magic shoes (also they had just dropped literally half of the movie taking place in the real world, with a magic mirror portal, it was a whole thing). 

They didn’t have the details of this aspect of the new story hammered out yet, and the first pass at presenting Snow’s magically changing body type, was, yeah, not good and super offensive. This was a really inexperienced indie studio making their first film on a low budget, so even the animation and voice acting wasn’t great. I think they just wanted to get SOMETHING out there because it had been 6 years and they wanted to have something to show for it.

But here’s the thing. Despite how the teasers make it seem, this was always supposed to be a movie about body positivity, letting go of appearance-based prejudices, and loving yourself and others for who you are and for who they are, which we see in the final film.

I like to think of our film as a kindhearted one. Our intentions are nice.

- Director Sung-ho Hong

It’s important to keep in mind that this movie was made in South Korea by a 99% Korean crew, and, as I understand it anyway, in Korean culture, ‘fatshaming’ is not really a thing that is seen as overtly offensive. Also, children’s media there seems to have more adult things in it than in the US, which probably accounts for the more risque parts of the teasers. That said, I really believe that at this point in the timeline, the movie was on-track to be bad (or at least not very good) when it was released, and it would have ended up bad IF a few key players hadn’t signed on (which I’ll get to in a moment).

Interestingly, the movie’s producer, Sujin Hwang, said in a 2017 interview:

“[Both teasers] were solely produced to induce curiosity. They’re completely irrelevant to the actual story.”

- Producer Sujin Hwang

I think what she was trying to convey was that neither one is a scene in the actual movie, because while the teasers didn’t reflect the revamped story as it existed in summer 2017 (the time of the interview), they DID reflect the earlier version of the story where the dwarfs wanted her shoes, which is what the story was at the time they were made.

Now that we’re in post-teaser 2016, HERE’S where things start to turn around. After the teasers were released, my guy Disney veteran and native Korean Jin Kim joined the project. He and Red Shoes director Sung-ho Hong had been buddies for about eight years and Sung-ho had been trying to get Jin to come to Seoul and work with him at Locus for a long time, and he finally succeeded.

Jin and his twenty years of Disney experience as an animator and senior designer on films like Tangled, Frozen, Big Hero 6, Zootopia, and Moana, had a HUGE HUGE HUGE influence on the movie. He redesigned almost all the characters, oversaw all the visual development from the moment he signed on, and heavily (HEAVILY) supervised the animation, literally going frame-by-frame through preliminary animations and drawing over them, teaching the inexperienced animators at Locus everything he knew. (Literally almost everyone except him either only had TV experience or had no professional experience because they just gotten out of school.)

From an outsider’s perspective, it really seems as though Jin joining the project (and his gargantuan effort) made the quality SKYROCKET. Not just in character design and animation, but also in things like effects animation, story, etc. After he joined, Locus really started pushing HARD to make a good, high-quality movie, and his influence and experience from being a prominent figure at Disney was absolutely key. The studio also began to really study Disney films and other well-made animated films from other studios to really try and pinpoint what the DNA of a good animated movie really is.

I don’t have any solid evidence, but I’m pretty sure that Tony Bancroft (an animator and the co-director of Mulan) then joined the project because he’s good friends with Jin Kim. He is only credited as the voice director (the movie was recorded in English and the characters were animated to the English dialogue), but I am SURE that he probably also had a pretty big influence on the movie, because like... How could he not? I really really think there was more to his role than his title would have you believe, even though there’s almost no info out there about it.

So now the movie goes through a gigantic metamorphosis. Character designs, visual development, and animation quality are all rapidly improving, the story is tightening, and the themes of the movie (which, again, were always the same and intended to be positive) are being presented in a more sincere way. The movie is becoming the sweet, self-love-encouraging and body-positive movie that was eventually released.

I’m putting a gif from the credits of the final movie here. As we move into 2017, when the giant eruption of backlash occurred, please keep in mind that the story was finalized at this point and that THIS was the movie people were so mad about:

Chloe Grace Moretz accepted the role of Snow White immediately after she read the script and she recorded her lines (I think) in early-ish 2017. Her co-star Sam Claflin also immediately accepted the role of the romantic interest, Merlin, after reading the script and recorded his lines in (I believe) July 2017.

In the summer of 2017, the story and script were more or less the same as in the final movie. Promotional images from that time show that most of dwarfs had been completely redesigned by this point and didn’t have their teaser designs anymore.

They also released a few screenshots that look exactly like the final film. The movie was advertised as coming out in ‘2018′ at this point. Here’s a promo image from 2017 that is MUCH more tactfully worded than the infamous Cannes poster:

So now we’re in summer 2017. The Cannes Film Festival. The movie’s script and story have been basically nailed down, animation is underway, and the Korean film company Finecut is beginning to market and sell the movie to worldwide audiences. They are planning on showing some footage to potential buyers at the festival, and they make a poster to advertise the film there.

Unfortunately, it’s THIS POSTER:

Now here’s where there are some unknowns. By this point, the movie is basically in its final form, which is an adorable, body-positive story about loving people for who they are, loving yourself for who YOU are, and that provides commentary on society’s standards of beauty and how they affect how people are treated/viewed. So why this poster??? All I can really tell is that someone (I think Finecut) really, REALLY messed up and either horribly mistranslated the tagline, or didn’t do enough research to know that this kind of thing is REALLY NOT OKAY in western culture.

The above picture is shared and the internet backlash begins, fueled by tweets from prominent body-positivity activists like Tess Holliday. Even Chloe Grace Moretz speaks out against it, because she of all people KNOWS that that’s not what the movie is about. The internet then finds the old teasers from before the movie was revamped and it makes things worse. Producer Sujin Hwang profusely apologizes and says that that is NOT the message of the movie. Locus pulls the advertising campaign, and takes down the two old teasers.

“Our film, a family comedy, carries a message designed to challenge social prejudices related to standards of physical beauty in society by emphasizing the importance of inner beauty.”

- Producer Sujin Hwang

Voice director Tony Bancroft also tried to explain the situation:

“The truth is the film has a body-positive message as its core theme–it’s the opposite of what reports are saying. The problem is one poorly translated movie poster that has been taken dramatically out of context.” 

- Voice Director Tony Bancroft

And then... There was nothing for a while. The movie didn’t come out in 2018 and was delayed. From what I can tell, I DON’T believe this delay was related to the Cannes backlash. I think it was mostly due to Locus’s limited budget and resources, because as we know, animation is difficult, time-consuming, expensive, and easy to do badly but hard to do well. Also, probably with Jin Kim and Tony Bancroft’s influence, they REALLY wanted to make sure to do a good job with the animation because they now had a great story and they really wanted the movie to be a quality, worldwide hit that would kind of put South Korean feature animation on the map. Just take a look at how nice the final animation was:

The movie was released in South Korea on July 25th, 2019. Unfortunately, the damage was done in the English-speaking markets and it was not released to an English-speaking audience until June 22, 2020, when it was released digitally in the UK. At the time of this post, there is no set US release date, but the distribution rights were recently bought by Lionsgate and the MPAA gave the film an official PG rating.

So who’s to blame? There’s no good answer. You could blame Locus for making those old teasers. You could blame Finecut for the competely tonedeaf Cannes poster. You could even blame cancel culture for raging against the movie based on one poster and two old teaser trailers without researching what the movie was actually about.

All I know is, it’s a damn shame.

[black-rose-writings]

Harry Potter IS bad because JKR is bad.

It’s a bigoted creation from a bigoted mind. Her views clearly impact the universe.

Other issues to mention:

The whole Name Issue. Kingsley Shacklebolt, the black guy. Cho Chang, the asian character. Sirona, the trans character. Nonsensical nonexistent polish name in one of her detective novels.

Speaking of those detective novels, her pen name for those is also the name of a man who basically founded LGBT conversion therapy, but back to HP is bad.

The Irish character who always makes things explode and wants to drink hard alcohol, even as a child. (That might be movies only, so it’s not just on her, but still).

Tired old “nerdy girl gets a makeover and is suddenly the most beutiful person ever seen because she straightened her hair and wore a dress for once” trope.

Certain clearly sentient races are treated as lesser than and the books only adress it with “wow, that sucks, but that’s life” and the characters never seem to think it should change or the attempts at change are mocked. Sure, there’s house elves and goblins (though I don’t think anyone ever even feels bad for the goblins), but there’s also the centaurs, who, to me, seem to have some storng Native American paralels (or at least with the stereotypical ideas and common knowledge a european would have about those cultures).

Speaking of Native Americans, there’s the blatant appropriation of their culture for JKR’s american wizards lore.

The only character ever mentioned to wear a turban was hiding Voldemort under it. I hope I don’t have to explain why that’s sus.

There’s a massive “not like other girls” energy coming from both Hermione and Ginny. Less serious, but still an issue.

Ugly female characters are describe as masculine and/or fat. We should have seen the TERF twist coming.

There’s a lot of fatshaming. Unless she likes the character in question and then she’s “plump” and fatshaming her is not okay.

The way JKR chooses to “justify” elf slavery in the books is concerningly close to the way plantation owners justified enslaving black people (like, “ex-slave turned into a substance abuser because they don’t know what to do with their life” was an argument used back then. And look at Winky and tell me that’s not exactly the same fucking idea).

The way JKR treats “good” and “evil” even in the later books, is extremely naive and childish. The only character that gets a half-decent redemption is Snape, and he’s still a fucking terrible person, he just works for the good guys now, but that’s a rant for another day.

I’m pretty sure every single character that is not white-english is in some way a stereotype or a caricature.

On the topic of writing, JKR has a chronic fear of the word “said”, sometimes to the point of absurdity, while overusing certain other words.

And The Fantastic Beasts movies are their own can of worms.

There’s probably a lot more, but it’s pretty late and I should go to sleep.

I think in addition to the conversation about JKR’s transphobia it’s vital that we address the antisemitism in the Harry Potter universe.

Not enough people are talking about it. Yes her transphobia is having an effect on legislation and yes supporting Harry Potter in any way is endorsing that BUT I don’t think we’re going to get through to people with just that. Harry Potter is not as wholesome as many people would like to believe. It’s a racist and antisemitic garbage fire with some pretty poor writing. I should preface this by saying I am not Jewish, nor am I a poc, I am white and fairly well off, I am just very opinionated and want to do my best to explain the things I can when I see something wrong. Carrying on,

One of if not the most blatantly fucked up thing in the Harry Potter universe is the presence of “house elves”, a race of mythical creatures that function as slaves in the wizard world. What is most appalling about them is that rowling wrote them to be happily subservient, a race that enjoys being enslaved. For one, this is all kinds of weird, and for two, this does not mix very well with the complete lack of plot relevant POC.

The second big issue and the one I feel a particular need to address is the goblins. Beginning with how they are meant to represent and mock Jewish people. Goblins are a common caricature of Jewish people, and the goblins in Harry Potter have all the traits of that caricature, hooked noses, greed, power over government, malice, etc. also notable was their appearances in the movies, being depicted as practically identical to nazi propaganda portrayals and having the Star of David clear as day on the floor of the bank. Now all this alone should be enough to make you feel queasy, but if that isn’t enough for you let’s bring the latest addition to the franchise in. The “goblin rebellion” of hogwarts legacy depicts an oppressed race as the antagonists in their rebellion, and if the well established context of goblins as a caricature of Jewish people wasn’t terrible enough in conjunction with this plot, one of the goblins is also depicted as plotting to kidnap wizard children, yet another direct parallel to historical oppression of Jewish people, the accusations of stealing Christian children (in this case wizard children) and using their blood for rituals, also known as blood libel.

Supporting Harry Potter is not just bad because JKR is bad. There is no way around it, and you cannot disconnect the author from her work. Harry Potter itself is bad. It’s time to let go of this.

[queer-and-dear-books]

Title: I’ll Be The One

Author: Lyla Lee

Genre: YA Fiction | Drama | Romance | Music | LGBTQ+

Content Warnings: Fatphobia | Homophobia | Biphobia

Overall Rating: 9.9/10

Personal Opinion: I love K-pop, I love Asian culture, and I love seeing queer people thrive. This book has all of that. It’s adorable and sweet and watching Skye’s journey as a fat girl trying to make it in the not-so-body-positive industry of K-pop is inspiring. You can’t help but root for her. So if you want to read about a fat bi girl be an inspiration, then this is definitely the book for you.

Couple Classification: Skye Shin X Henry Cho = Artist X Prep

Do I Own This Book? Nope.

Spoilers Below For My Likes & Dislikes:

Likes:

- Going into this book, I knew that both Skye and Henry are bi. But I’d wrongfully assumed that they would not play any significant role in either of their identities. I have never been so happy to be wrong. Skye is bi and she says so from the start. It comes up every now and again and is a source of some of her insecurities because she knows her parents would not be thrilled to her dating a girl. Henry is also bi. While it’s not as blatant as Skye, he had a boyfriend once. And that is significant because of how his parents reacted to him dating a boy. They messed with his personal relationship and had made his life miserable. Being bi is just part of their identities but it’s important to them and I love that the author did not shy away from emphasizing that. I also love queer Asian men, as we have established multiple times already.

- I love that Skye entered this competition wanting to prove her mom wrong but also because she loves to sing and dance. She wants to perform. From how the author had described her, she belongs on stage because those parts where she was performing, the description really came to life.

- I also love that the winners of both categories, Skye for vocal and Imani for dance, did it for stigmatized groups. Skye for the fat girls and Imani for Black girls. Because in the world of K-pop, fatness and darker skin tones are shamed. I love the confidence Skye and Imani radiated and it makes me so proud that they won. I know they’re fictional but I hope that their debut goes well.

- I love Lana and Tiffany too! They’re such a power couple and they’re so cute together. I am so happy that they’re doing okay after being disowned by their parents because they truly deserve happiness. But most importantly, they became friends with Skye immediately and easily. They were so sweet. And when Skye saw they were a couple and could not stop smiling, I felt that in my soul. She was so happy to see queer Asian girls thriving and that is exactly why I love seeing queer Asian men.

- Skye’s dad is such a big dork and if there’s one thing I love, it’s dorky parents. Those that adore their children and always support them unconditionally. Why couldn’t he be the one that Skye lives with?

- Portia and Steve are great pseudo-parents for Henry. They seem genuinely supportive of their charge and they work so hard to make sure he’s safe and happy. It’s so pure and wholesome and I’m  glad that Henry’s not totally alone after losing all his friends.

- I love Gary Kim too. He’s one of the judges for the contest and the way he unabashedly was in Skye’s corner was so awesome. I adored how big of a fan he was of her.

- This appeals to me personally but I adored the K-pop references. Because I understood all of them. Ailee is a vocal queen, Chungha is a dance-forward artist, BTS’s “Idol” is a challenging choreography. etc. It was just nice feeling in the know about these things and not totally lost when a character talks about their hyperfixation(s). 

- This entire book was just so wholesome and adorable that I just… I love it.

Dislikes:

- Please, let the wizard books die.

- The fatshaming from Skye’s mom and Bora was horrible to read. I actually felt sick to my stomach just imagining some of their vitriol being spewed out loud. I’m glad Skye learned that loving herself is enough and she doesn’t need her mom’s (and certainly not Bora’s) approval to feel great about herself.

- Also fuck Melinda Jones and Bobby Lim. The former for her fetishizing of Asian culture and the latter for his fatshaming. I’m thrilled that they got eliminated and probably had to watch Skye take it all in the vocal category.

- I wish we knew what happened to Henry’s ex-boyfriend. I know it doesn’t matter in the grand scheme of things but he’s a fellow friend of Dorothy and that makes me sympathetic even though he doesn’t even have a name. I hope he’s thriving too, wherever he is.

- You wanna know the real reason why this doesn’t get a perfect score? It’s because of Skye’s alleged best friend. She cared more about Henry than she did for Skye’s wellbeing and performances and it got old fast. Like that’s just uncool and disrespectful. And a best friend should not act like that.

[expected-kiss]

hello welcome to quotes from my friends + pre-educators class as Newsies

Specs: Buttons, what are you doing?

Buttons: I’m fatshaming a salt shaker

Specs: Oh, well can you help me take out the trash and make sure I don’t get kidnapped?

Race: Can I seduce Pennywise?

Romeo: How do you spell jacuzzi?

Jojo: J-A- cuzzi

Crutchie: I’m a crippled hoe

Jack: You are no hoe

Crutchie: c:

Sarah, reading a warning label: “Cancer and Reproductive harm?” let’s do it let’s kill some babies.

Spot: Y’know I’m not trying to complain but I am

Spot: It takes 43 muscles to smile, but it only takes 17 muscles to stab someone

Davey: What exactly am I going to do with that information?

Jack: Ho ho ho bitches

Jojo:*Looking through the holiday toy donation bin* There’s only balls in here!

Albert: Can we throw one at Race?

Race: *kisses Spot on the forehead* you’re my best bro

JoJo: You’re a mean soccer mom, aren’t you?

Finch: So I have some vinegar right here-

Tommy Boy: Shots shots shots-

Smalls: I know seven different languages and I will personally assassinate you in twenty of them

Davey: Don’t die while I’m gone

Les: Maybe I will just to be quirky

Elmer: It’s 10:22! You know what that means?

Mush, not looking up from his magazine: You’re gonna turn into a pumpkin

Katherine: I’m literally only running on coffee and eggs right now

Jack: You just called me a flag

Katherine: Oh

Race: *Eating old sprinkles from the cabinet*

Davey: RACE NO WE DON’T EAT THE SPRINKLES

Albert: Why not? They’re good.

Davey: You eat them too???

Jack: Yeah we always eat them

Davey: WHY IS EVERYONE EATING THE SPRINKLES FROM THE CABINET??

[tokoyamisstuff]

Oneshot: Substance - Bucky x Reader

Summary: After stumbling upon certain things on your boyfriends phone, your self-esteem drops below zero.

Warnings: Self-hatred, Angst, Fatshaming, kinda Self-Harm (like withdrawal, not eating enough and overly excessive sport), one or two Swear Words.

Words: ~2900

A/N: Didn’t want to keep you guys waiting any longer, so this has been written in an hour without proof-reading. please have mercy with my soul

“Heya, sweetie-pie. Mind giving me the usual?”

There he was, 12 o’clock as usual. Bucky was leaning over the counter and staring at you with his piercing blue eyes.

He gave you a wink as he shoved the money over the counter, looking around the small but full diner. It was always that crowded at this time of the day.

“Come on, you doofus. You know it’s on me” you chuckled as you pressed the coins back in his hand, relishing at his warmth for a brief second before stepping back.

It has become a ritual to prepare his favourite on almost every single day, even though he claimed to love everything on your menu. His therapist once told him that a certain routine would help him adapt to society again, and he stuck to it pretty closely.

And visiting your restaurant was an important part of his day.

“Do you think we can spend the evening?” Your boyfriend was sipping on his coffee, eyes lighting up when you finally got him his piece of plum pie with whipped cream.

When you watched him eating it in almost one bite, you kind of admired him for being able to eat basically anything without gaining weight. But well, on the other hand, training and fighting were his daily bread, so it was no wonder those calories would be burned like it was nothing.

“Gosh, delicious as always” Bucky mumbled and you couldn’t surpress a quiet laugh at your dork while you were serving another customer. “And I mean you in that dress, not the food. Love your style.”

You usually avoided to fuel his stupid way of flirting, no matter how flattered you felt anyway. So you simply changed the topic. “Dunno. Might get late. Today seems to be very profitable.”

It was just wonderful how understanding Bucky was. Well, he knew he was a piece of work as well. Why should he be mad if you were sucessfull anyway?

So he just shrugged with a wide grin as he handed you over the empty plate, saying “Well, then I’ll tidy up the flat until you’re done. Guess who’s gonna get a back rub when they’re back home?”

“Sounds like a Netflix and Cuddle evening?”

“Everything you want, doll.” He gave you a quick kiss on the cheek, knowing you weren’t all that comfortable with PDA - at least at work. “I won’t bother you any longer.”

“You’re never bothering me.” Smirking, you admired the way his muscles bulged through his sleeveless top. “Distracting is a far better word.”

He won’t comment on your statement, rather winking at you and mumbling something like “You just wait until later...” as he already rushed out of the entrance.

Six hours later you were finally able to end your twelve hour shift and close the restaurant almost on time - well...plus the few customers who came about five minutes before closure, and having to clean up the mess you’d always leave behind when cooking as quick as possible.

“I’m home, darlin’!” you cheered as you threw your bag into a corner and got rid of your shoes.

Seems like he was in the shower, at least he yelled something like ‘having something for you when he’s done’.

Well, if the surprise was something cute or nasty - you’d have no problem with either one.

“Hey, babe!” his voice called you out of the bathroom. “Can you look up when we made the reservation for cinema? I made a screenshot from the booking confirmation.”

He’d always ask for that kind of stuff in the weirdest situations. Probably because he knew he’d forget it otherwise.

“Alright.” His smartphone was placed on the nightstand, as usually. It was a miracle that he learned to use it that quickly, but on the other hand he’d always been very invested with new technology.

The two of you had no secrets. And even if: Taking each others cellphones wouldn’t really tell you something you didn’t already know about each other, so it had never been a no-go to use the others phone.

You sat down on the edge of the bed after throwing your sweat-soaked and stained clothes into the basket, wishing Bucky would hurry up so you could clean up and enjoy some hot water.

Scrolling through his picture folder, you hummed a happy little song, already wondring what you’d do on your day off tomorrow.

James is still pretty awkward in todays society, but hell he knew how to treat a woman. And dates were his speciality.

“I can’t fi-” Your words turned into a loud gasp as you saw the preview image of a seemingly naked woman. Shocked, even though you felt bad for prying instead of trusting your partner, you klicked on it to see the whole picture.

It was exactly what you thought it was. That sort of picture drunk elderly men would send each other in Whatsapp Groups.

A beautiful woman, only wearing a thong and presenting it in a - let’s call it ‘seductive’ pose.

And the worst of all was the headline, floating above the models face:

“The Perfect Woman”

This was not the only pic of some sort - you found a dozen of it, videos as well.

Disgusting was the only thing that came to your mind.

Not the woman, though. You were not one to slut-shame anyway.

But a feeling of disgust came up when you layed down the phone and went to the mirror, watching yourself closely. And for the first time, you were not satisfied with what you were seeing.

Sure, you’ve always been kind of chubby. But up until now you’ve never doubtet your beauty.

Curves were always something beautiful to you, even though you had to admit that some days, you were asking yourself why you had to be the only one of your friends who had that hard cellulite and stretch marks.

Maybe if you’d already have kids or were older, you’d be fine with it, but...

On the other hand, your friends would admire the fact that you had bigger breasts and a ‘peach ass’, as they’d call it.

Your mother used to call it ‘atomar boobs’ and ‘birth-enthusiastic hips’, always making you laugh about how self-ironic she was. But on the inside you knew how much she was struggling as well.

There were so many forms of beauty, and you loved every single one of it - including your own. But now..

“Ugly” you told yourself again and again, while trying to find a suitable pose that didn’t make you look like a small, wobbly piece of fat.

Did the opinion of a man really matter more to you than your own? Now you also felt kind of pathetic.

Actually, you were just hurt. Of him not being honest, and obviously searching for something...you didn’t want to say ‘better’, but rather ‘different’ than you.

As former Winter Soldier, he might not be that popular, but his looks sure did the trick anyway. So why not searching for a thin woman if he loves them so much?

Or does he already know them? What if those were not mere pictures, but woman he actually contacted?

The thought alone made you tear up.

You’ve tried. Your whole life you did and he knew that.

It’s a problem you’ve been struggling for your whole youth, after all.

No matter how much sport or diets you tried out, your body just wouldn’t change. Even after you’ve got diagnosed with hypothyreosis, the medication would only do so much as prevent further weight gain.

Things got a lot easier when you were grown up, and the bullies would decrease.

You learned to love yourself, and realized that many people were into exactly your kind of body-type. After finding your own style and way of living, things became so much easier and you could finally be yourself.

“Heya, there” a familiar voice snickered behind your back, “What’s cookin’, good lookin’?”

The only reaction Bucky would gain was a pained groan, yet you didn’t dare to make a scene just yet. You wanted him to take the hints and be honest with you, that was what you had decided.

“Didn’t find the picture. Go look yourself.”

With that said, you’d walk straight past him and towards the bathroom. It took you quite a while to cry to your hearts extend, sobs being deafened by the pattering sounds of the shower.

You wrapped a towel around yourself, but when you saw your reflection again as you put on some lotion, you decided to wear the bathrobe.

No matter how you moved, you felt like some fat would always wiggle or roll up somehow - and Bucky felt your discomfort as soon as you greeted him with a twisted face.

“C’mon here, babydoll. We can talk.” He patted the spot right next to him on the bed, and goddamn it was just too unfair how he was posing there on the mattress, looking like a fucking adonis compared to you.

The very second you stiffly layed down next to him, you felt his hand slip under your bathrobe and squeeze your thigh, making you gasp.

“Maybe I can cheer you up otherwise before we talk...” he breathed into your ear, adding a bittersweet “I missed you.”

“Bucky, please. I’m tired.” Perfect. You managed to get that sentence out without your voice cracking once. Now you just needd to turn around and wrap yourself in your comforter before he’d see the tears in your eyes.

You didn’t want him - or anyone else - to touch you ever again.

“O-okay...” James stuttered, already reaching out his hand to touch your shoulder. But in the end, he retreated it, realizing you needed some time for yourself. “Imma be at the sofa if you need me.”

“Or tell me what the fuck is wrong all of a sudden...” He kept himself from saying that.

The following days were the hardest ones yet to come - for both of you.

It all started with you declining all offers from friends to go swimming or visiting some food-places, slowly but steadily withdrawing you from the happy, active life you’ve built up out of anger and shame.

You had grown quite distant as time passed, at first finding any kind of excuse for intimacy, and afterwards not even bearing any kind of physical contact. Not to speak of simple and carefree talking...

The air had become strained around the two of you, but Bucky was too afraid to ask you what was wrong.

Instead of letting off some steam through work as always, you took a few weeks off. It wasn’t like you needed the money anyway, looking at how successfull your work was.

Your restaurant, even though being more of a small diner, had been on the top of New Yorks most popular ones for years. And you were damn proud of it.

Bucky would always say you’re the only one who cooks just like home, and meanwhile you knew all of his favourite dishes.

An unconscious smile ghosted your lips when you thought back to the day where Bucky would go all Winter Soldier on a dude that made fun of you for being “a wandering cliché: a fat woman running a kitchen”. Ouch.

You didn’t go on vacation those days - there was different work to do.

Actually, you liked sports. For fun, that is. Like going to swim with your friends, or going for a walk. Sometimes visiting the gym, even. To you, it was more part of a healthy lifestyle instead of a competition for appreciation.

But now, things were different. You tried to built up your confidence again through secretly visiting the Avengers training rooms - yet to no avail.

Steve kindly offered you help with any certain training, but you declined. This was something you wanted to achieve yourself.

As if that would change anything about your feeling of betrayal...

“Fuck!” you exclaimed after almost falling off the treadmill, having to use the emergency turn-off. Even though many people assumed it, you weren’t really unfit. But those past days, you’ve just overloaded yourself through excessive training and eating almost nothing.

You kneeled down, desperately trying to catch your breath. Looking down, you saw your bruised knuckles from punching the bag earlier and thinking of that damn beautiful woman on Buckys cellphone.

If only you would have the courage to talk this through with him...but you were afraid of the outcome. Of the truth.

Knowing you were all alone on the floor, you finally gave in to your emotions, huddling to a fetal curl and starting to sob over your deadlocked situation.

“Y/N?”

Dear god no - it was Bucky. What was he doing here? It was not his usual training time!

On the other hand: What else did he have to do in his free-time, now that the other Avengers are on a mission and his girlfriend is avoiding him at all costs?

Actually, he wanted to let off some steam as well. But seeing you like this swung his mood in an instant, and he aided you immediately.

“What’s wrong? Are you hurt?!” There was genuine compassion in his voice, sorrow even. As if it was his fault.

He was kneeling right next to you, and for the first time in two weeks, you wouldn’t flinch at his touch. “Let me help you...”

“You don’t need to play anymore, James” you whimpered, slapping his hand away. “Just get this over with.”

Now you’ve got him mad. “What the fuck did I do wrong to deserve this, Y/N?!” he screamed and his metal fist would meet the floor, cracking it broken.

“I know damn well I’m far from the perfect boyfriend...” Bucky began to sniffle, still clenching and unclenching his fists. “But I thought you’d love me as I am.”

“You’re one to talk.” Fuck it, now that you seemingly screwed up anyway you could talk freely. “I’ve seen the photos, Bucky. Of the perfect woman. Many of them. Seems like you prefer something not remotely close to me.”

For a while, there was only silence.

Bucky dug his face deep into his palms, as if he wanted to disappear in them - or simply to facepalm in a pretty weird way.

“Doll, is that what all this is about?”

His reaction made you feel kinda strange. “Y-yeah.” Did you overreact?

“You know I don’t possibly know her. Don’t care about her or her body either.” He sat there, cross-legged and with a face as dark as your heart had been those past weeks.

“Then why do you keep a ton of photos of naked models on your phone?!” You jumped onto him, effectively knocking him over and pinning him on the floor. Out of a whim, you wanted to run away, but he trapped you in his hold.

“Gosh, why can’t you talk to me for once?” It almost sounded like he found it funny. “You’re usually one to be upfront about everything.”

A sole tear escaped every eye, but Bucky would catch them with his thumb.

“Sam sent them to me. We have that Whatsapp-Group, and he’s simply that single, horny dude that finds that kind of stuff funny. You know I never delete anything. I have over 5000+ photos on that shit phone.”

You were stunned, looking at him in disbelief. “I’m sorry, doll. I should’ve know you’d stumble across them eventually. But you were always so confident and strong, the thought of it bothering you never crossed my mind.”

“Y-you-” Gosh, what a fucking idiot you were. “You’re not at fault, Buck! I’m so sorry! I feel so stupid right now.”

“And I thought you wanted to leave me...” he murmured, mainly to himself.

“Wha- how could I ever?! You’re the love of my life! Why else do you think your opinion matters this much to me? Look where we are right now!”

“And you know that the beauty-standarts of the 40s are exactly what you look like, right?”

The situation changed so drastically, it left both of you in boisterous laughter.

When you finally catched your breath, holding your thummy at how much you laughed, Bucky would not give you a break - rather cupping your cheeks and pulling your lips onto his.

“Look” he breathed out calmly, his cheek barely brushing yours. “I feel stupid for even saying this, but: My girl doesn’t have to be a model. Beauty is a concept, dear. Everyone pictures something else when they think of it. And I think of you.”

You had already snuggled up onto his chest as he swiftly picked you up, your ear able to sense his heartbeat. Absentmindedly running your hand over his prosthetic one, you realized that you were not the only one who was self-conscious about their appearance.

But just like you never doubted the true beauty of your lover, neither did he.

“Y/N...You’re strong and smart and kind. No one had ever touched my heart the way you did. That’s all that counts.”

_______

Taglist:

@bepo-is-sorry @fuckthatfeeling@anythingandeverythingmarvel@bucky-fanfiction @blondekel77@kaneki-fuentes @vxidnik@antboyandbumbblebee @lokis-queen05@you-like-this-chain@hiei1300 @lilypalmer1987 @andiyholly@elevenismysweetie@uwu-sebastianstan @seasidespecter @you-like-this-chain @your-pixels-are-showing @wildefire @elfprincess81@escapetheshackles@jellyfishflowers @look-to-the-stars-and-wish@bucky-to-my-barnes @tarithenurse @chennyetomlinson @kenzie-cold-greenkale@jaylarkson @doa1518 @wtfholland @thisgirllikeme@awesome-fangirl-334 @pvnk-bivch @chipilerendi @mandei355@buckybonky@commissioner23 @remember-padfood @chibiyanai@lost-and-wandering-alone @outcastedghost @cautrida@inumorph@meyoko10 @stargurl16 @trashyemonerd@slutforbuckybarnes@tinytravisty @unknownuserhasjoined@otaku-tater@hiddlestoner3059 @tom-fucking-hiddleston-1981@lust-for-pan@fruityflies @iamburdened @death-beetles@shaunamart @fire-in-her-veinz @red-writer13 @libbymouse@lokiscure @i-am-always-famished @alexa4444 @4-a-m @indica-witch @lou-makes-me-strong @phasma-trash @hiddlestoner3059@rocknroll-is-thewaytogo @purpstraw @lovelyangelofasgard@elevenismysweetie@orighami @trashkidsblog @the-resident-demon @littlemartiangurl@thelowkeylokifanblog @za24ever@trubluepensfan @chibiyanai@dsakita @lady-loki-ren@caticorndancingonpainbows @loving-life-my-way@crappyimagines @a-kiddo-with-a-doggo @elwyn7@celestiacq@amor67figment-love @tom-fucking-hiddleston-1981@sweetpeaismylifenow @stanmarvelcu@thewordsinthesky@larryopium @hiei1300 @janepetersonxxx​ @untoldshortsofthefandoms​ @lokis-queen05​ @saxgirl21​ @limedane21​ @sparkling-gayyy​ @lokiscure​ @getdowntothatfunkysound​ @emyhonny​ @randomfandompenguin​ @marvel-madness @dyanlzbb @inumorph @gian-giannina@chipilerendi @pseudonymfox @neptinite-writings @cautrida@kaneki-fuentes @exhaustedcommonsense @theicecreamhero@killerbumblebee @tarithenurse @sgtbucharest @lokis-helmet@wonderlandteaparty @sweetpeaismylifenow @bionicbishop @red-writer13 @bloodiedskirtts @boohooiamthefool @jackstrenchcoat@chipilerendi @sleeplessnight-pointlessfights @welcomingpayne@crimefightingspiderguy @longlivethereaper @a-wanna-be-emo@lokidoki-e @holy-loki @slutforbuckybarnes @mandei355​ @morefics2read​ @otaku-tater​ @khatrinaarts​ @grincheveryday​ @jessiejunebug​ @youtxbemusic​ @marvel-madness​

If you want to get on the taglist (or deleted from lmao) feel free to ask! ♡

Feedback is always appreciated!

[thegoodomensdumpster]

(1) I'm fat and I fucking love the crumbs, it's such a bummer that they won't be around anymore. Besides, stereotype or not, some fat people (like myself) are messy and gross and some aren't and that's okay. I liked seeing myself represented in Aziraphale here, and it sucks that it's now being cencored. I'm fat and I'm messy and the fact that people want to hide that that's a thing makes me feel more ashamed about who I am than I wouldn have been if it was just left alone.

(2) I'm sick of the trope that fat people have to always be pristine and constantly ON AIR just to be given the same respect that a thin person would have, even if they themselves were also messy. I loved your crummy Aziraphale, he made me feel like I was still worth something and capable of great things and worthy of a dedicated love. He made a lot of people feel like that. Art shouldn't be cencored. This asks breaks my heart a little, because... I’m not the authority on validating people of course, but in case anyone needs to read that: OF COURSE you are worthy of love and respect and just being a human if you are messy, if you are fat, if you are messy and fat, or if you happen to fit a stereotype that mainstream media have rendered harmful. Because you are people, not fictional characters, and you exist beyond these stereotypes boundaries. You are complex, and alive, and your existence matters.

More under the cut for discussion on character design, stereotypes, tumblrfoolery, and my own incapacity to know what to do. The most important bit is above, but if you guys want to take part into a bigger conversation with me, either by replying to this post or MPing me, I’m welcoming you with open arms. It got a bit long, but hopefully it isn’t too confused.

(Also, quick side note: I’m not deleting any of the crumb jokes previously made, so if you miss them, you can still find them in the archive of this blog under the crumb omens hashtag.)

My opinion on character design is actually this one: there is no inherently harmful trait for a certain type of people, it is all a question of context and quantity. In the case of a character that is fat and messy, if it just happens that, among other fat people, one of them is messy, then it’s not a stereotype, and it’s not harmful. However, in our current media landscape, those two attributes happen to be associated way too often, enough that it leads to essentialisation of fat people ( aka: if you’re fat, you’re necessary messy, lazy, etc... these reductive associations are almost systematic ).

In the context of my blog and my work at large, if you’re familiar with it, I think it’s safe to say that I, personally, don’t use the fat and messy character as a stereotype, because I also depict other fat characters as non messy characters. Thats for my context. That’s also probably why, when I made all the crumb jokes, I didn’t even think about this stereotype.

But the thing is, I don’t post my fanarts in a vacuum. Especially on Tumblr where posts tend to have a life of their own when they get reblogged. They get cut from their context, hence only showing the tip of the iceberg, which is what I consider to be a harmful stereotype. And even within their context, it might still come as insensitive and hurt people who have been badly affected by this stereotype. And this has nothing to do with my original intentions.

This would lead to the consideration of how much of a private / public venture exactly a blog is, and to what extent should we take mainstream depictions into account when we design characters ourselves, and how much can we expect people to take things into the context of the OP’s work, or the OP’s blog, or the website it was posted on... This is something I’m scratching my head over, I’m not sure I have an answer to that. I’m not even sure there is an answer to that. But what I know is that this specific blog, though it still is MY blog, also has a following big enough that I cannot fully consider it as private ( although, I never consider any internet space to be really private ...).

However, I one hundred percent agree that there is a huge issue in, as a reaction to these harmful strereotypes, not allowing minorities and oppressed group as appearing any less than perfect. This is a terrible response, a terrible pressure, and it’s as much dehumanizing as only seeing people through the prism of stereotypes. And I know I can not satisfy everyone when I make a choice, but I do try to make the choices that hurt the less, or at least the ones that won’t hurt the group of people I care about (and by that I mean: I would not hesitate to make fatshamers feel ill at ease, but I do not want to hurt fat people over fatphobia).

So, yeah, it does feel like I fell into another trap that ends up guilt tripping people. But I don’t know how to react, I don’t where to stand, because I don’t know which reaction would bring the less suffering. It seems that there is no perfect answer, and fat people might get hurt either way. I just know that, since I’ve been made aware of the kind of hurt the crumb jokes could do, I’m feeling uncomfortable myself continuing them. So, this is not strictly censorship. Because, at least right now, I don’t feel like I want to continue them either. Maybe my mind will change, I don’t know, but I have the feeling that maybe my issue is mostly based on the media (aka: a tumblr post) rather than the joke itself. Because if, for instance, I had one messy fat character in a comic book where you can see other fat characters in all their diversity and complexity, then it wouldn’t feel like I’m tapping into a stereotype, and therefore I doubt it would make a lot of fat people ill at ease. Because that one messy fat character could hardly be cut from the context of its book. But with a tumblr post that can escape its context or directly be surrounded in a tumblr search on my blog by other similar post declining the same messy joke with the same fat character... I don’t know. 

I just, really, really don’t know.

I feel saddened by the hurt I’m doing to people either way, and I’ve received several messages of fat people telling me they liked the crumb jokes. But I cannot know if people who were actually hurt are just silent on this issue or if I’m just ... anticipating a hurt that wasn’t there to begin with ( because the original message that made me aware of this issue wasn’t actually written by someone who personnally felt ill at ease at that joke, it was just pointing it out as fatphobic, which I agreed to be an issue as well ). 

So, yeah. If you have any insight on this issue, absolutely feel free to contact me. This is an important conversation to have, or at least it is to me, and it touches on many important topics so it’s ... potentially long and convoluted and confusing. But I want to learn, I want to do better, and I want to help people feel good about themselves. This is possibly my number one goal as an artist. 

<3

[compassionatereminders]

hi! so i have a problem with my best friend. (tw: brief mention of eating disorders) so we both have e-d-s and we often vent about them to each other and on christmas day, i basically told her i felt bad for eating so much and she responded basically saying that she also was eating much and at least i'm not being bodyshamed or fatshamed like she is. when i asked if i should feel bad about that she apologized, but i ignored her. is this overreacting? we didn't talk since. what should i do now?

I'm not sure I understand what exactly your conflict is about. Is it that she invalidated your struggle with food because it wasn't "as bad" as her own experience? If that's it, I get why you might be upset - but if you're best friends, you should talk what happened through once you've both calmed down. I mean this is at worst a somewhat insensitive comment, so I don't see why you shouldn't be able to talk it out and apologize. I'd reach out if I was you. She might just be having a really bad day while all of this went down. That can easily lead to a rude comment.

[starryboyfriend]

as a transmasc individual with an ED this is exactly some of the stuff that fueled it from the get go (the fatshaming stuff) because what little you do see from lgbtqia representation and trans representation especially is always the half passing skinny white person and nothing else. It’s exhausting to have to constantly try and match those standards and honestly just is so toxic. The same goes for trans femme people from my understanding, but worse in a way, because society hates trans women.

yeah exactly! i’m just super tired and mad of people acting like they’re some golden shit when really they just suck and don’t care about trans people unless they’re perfect!!! it makes me so upset!!! i want people to shut their mouths and stop thinking they know me better than myself!!! like yeah sure i’m overweight but i’m probably stronger than you and all your stinky ass friends combined! shut up!

[aubreyweston]

vignettes from a visit home

When: Monday, May 4-Sunday, May 10

Where: Mostly Saint Paul, Minnesota

Who: Aubrey and his brother, mother and soon-to-be sister-in-law, Kyle the roommate

Warnings: excessive alcohol use, violence, brief fatshaming of a dog

Word Count: 5,615

When Aubrey spotted his brother waiting for him as he emerged from the arrivals door at the airport, he nearly sagged with relief. He weaved past people, shooting Brody an exhausted smile once they were close enough to talk.

“Hey man, thanks for coming to get me,” he said. 

Brody reached over to ruffle his hair, and then grabbed his bag from him. “Anytime, twerp.”

Once they were in the car, Aubrey reached over to turn the radio on but Brody batted his hand away. “Nuh uh. Nope. Not that easy. What’s up, dude? Not that we’re not thrilled to see you but… this is pretty sudden. Mom said you were coming home after your exams.”

Great. He couldn’t escape the third degree anywhere it seemed. His head throbbed. He’d really taken advantage of Quinn’s generosity.

“Stuff just happened. I… I needed to get out of New York.” He stared at his palms, clenching and unclenching his right hand. He really hoped he hadn’t broken Kyle’s nose.

Brody was quiet for a moment, focused on the road, but Aubrey knew his brother and knew it wouldn’t last. 

“You still talking to Dr. Banks?”

There it was. Aubrey thunked his head against his seat’s headrest.

“Yes, Brody. I’m still talking to Dr. Banks. I’m still taking my meds. It’s —” he bit his lip hard, and then ran a hand through his hair, shaking his head.

“I’m fine. I missed you. I missed mom. I missed Hansel and Gretel. Am I not allowed to impulsively fly home every once in a while?”

Brody looked dubious, but he shrugged. “Yeah. You are. Of course you are.”

“How’s Olivia?” Aubrey asked, desperate to change the subject. Getting Brody to talk about his fiancee was low-hanging fruit, but he’d take him droning on about his future sister-in-law if it’d get him to stop asking questions.

It worked. His brother immediately launched into a detailed explanation of their wedding plans and how happy he was to finally be marrying her, and Aubrey was able to lean his head against the cool window and shut his eyes as Brody rambled on.

--

After what only felt like a few minutes, Brody was shaking Aubrey awake, but sure enough they were in front of their house. Aubrey had complicated feelings about the place. It inspired both a healthy dose of fear and an immense wave of calm all at once. He supposed that was the warring influence of both his parents.

Before he could even get to the door, it was opening, and his mom was standing there, and before Aubrey even realized what he was doing, he’d flung himself at her, hugging her tightly and burying his face into her neck. “Hi mama,” he mumbled. 

Just the feeling of her good arm wrapping around him had him sniffling. “Welcome home, baby,” she said.

He finally pulled back, wiping at his eyes and forcing a smile onto his face. He was sure he’d already freaked her out. He didn’t want to make it worse. 

She took his chin in her hand, examining him for a moment. Aubrey didn’t know what she was looking for but she didn’t seem to have found it because she made a soft tutting noise before pulling him inside.

--

Aubrey’d been busy steadfastly ignoring the semi-constant vibrations coming from his phone when Brody had unceremoniously invited himself inside without bothering to knock, and took a seat on his bed.

“You smell like alcohol,” his brother said matter-of-factly. “If I can smell it, mom definitely did too.”

Aubrey rolled onto his back, staring up at the ceiling instead of meeting his brother’s eyes. He wondered in the back of his mind if Brody ever resented having an absolute basketcase for a sibling.

“Are you going to arrest me for being underage, officer?”

“That’s not the point and we both know it. Does your shrink know?”

Aubrey blinked, and then lied through his teeth, hoping Brody wouldn’t see through the cracks. 

“He knows, Brody. I’m fine.”

A scoff, and then Brody was elbowing him over so he could lie down next to him.

“Seriously, Aubrey, what happened?”

Aubrey was quiet, and thankfully Gretel padded inside and hopped onto his chest. He smiled at her, and then scratched her behind the ears. Her purrs eased the icy grip of anxiety that he’d felt around his throat since Santana’s party. “I missed you Grets,” he whispered, giggling a bit as she started to kneed his chest with her itty bitty paws.

“I’m taking Olivia to Como Park in a bit,” Brody said, cutting through the shreds of peace he’d finally managed to grab onto. “You’re coming too.”

It wasn’t a suggestion, so Aubrey didn’t bother responding. Instead he pressed a kiss to Gretel’s little nose.

When Brody stood up, Aubrey finally looked at him. “Can you take my phone? If it buzzes one more time I might smash it and I can’t afford a new one right now.”

Brody watched him for a long moment, and then sighed, grabbing the device and pocketing it before finally leaving Aubrey alone.

--

Como Park had been fine. Olivia had kept up a steady chatter, and responding to her in a decently normal manner had kept him sufficiently occupied. The plants in the conservatory were breathtaking as usual, and he’d actually found a spark of something resembling joy in the pit that’d taken over his chest once they’d wandered through the zoo.

“Which one was your favourite, Aubrey?” Olivia asked, shooting him an enthusiastic smile. Aubrey felt kind of bad for her. She made such an effort and he knew he was giving her barely any back.

“I kind of loved them all,” he said slowly, tilting his head to the side. “But I think the polar bear was my favourite… or the snow leopard.”

“I liked the tamarins. Both kinds. They were so cute. Weren’t they cute, Brody?” Olivia directed this question at his brother, and swung their clasped hands between them. She looked disgustingly fond.

Aubrey’s ember of a good mood abruptly flickered out. He wondered if it was too late to go back and throw himself in the tiger cage and wait for one of them to decide it was hungry.

--

When they’d gotten home, he’d immediately scooped up Gretel and then gone to pry open one of the kitchen cabinet’s toe-kicks while his mom, Brody and Olivia were all distracted. He’d stashed alcohol in there all through high school and when he’d quit he hadn’t bothered to get rid of what was left. If luck was on his side, no one had found his cache and emptied it.

It turned out that maybe the tides were turning in his favour for the first time this week, because he emerged victorious, a dusty but untouched bottle of Smirnoff clutched in his hand.

Thank fuck. He kicked the toe-kick into place, scooped up Gretel, and did his best to hide the booze behind her flank in case he ran into anyone on the way back to his room.

His fears were unfounded because he safely made his way back to his room. None of the bedrooms had locks. His dad had taken them all off the doors, demanded to know what any of them could possibly want to hide from him. No one had bothered to put them back after he was arrested. There didn’t seem to be much of a point.

Still, the lack of lock was inconvenient now. He kicked the door shut and then deposited Gretel on the ground, and then grabbed his desk chair and dragged it over to the door, wedging it under the handle to make it harder to open. That’d have to be enough.

Satisfied, he sat down on his bed and opened the bottle he’d pilfered. He hadn’t meant to get as drunk as he did but his tolerance had gone down drastically compared to when he’d get drunk behind the bleachers in high school.

His phone buzzed and he pulled it out instinctively, and then squinted at it. Sebastian’s name was bright on the screen. His heart lurched, and he couldn’t stop himself from thumbing the messages open and reading them all.

He tried to untangle the knot that was his feelings. Part of him ached to reply. Something about the messages warmed him up from the inside. Stupid Sebastian, with his dumb smirk and pretty eyes and endless persistence. Aubrey wanted to strangle him. 

He also really, really wanted to kiss him again.

He took another long sip and got onto his feet, pacing around his room in circles, the bottle still clutched in his hand.

Fuck, Sebastian. And not like that. This… this was his fault. He didn’t know how exactly or why but it was. Ever since they’d met it’d been the same pattern. It was inescapable, despite every one of Aubrey’s best efforts to get him to knock it off.

He’d just kept trying. Fucking stubborn, persistent prat. And now… and now...

Before Aubrey’d realized what was happening, he’d already driven his fist into the wall. The drywall broke inwards, and Aubrey’s hand throbbed. He pulled back, though the pain had felt good. Felt familiar. He punched at it again with the same hand, letting the ache in his knuckles roll over him. The pain was good. Real. Something he could control. He whirled back towards his bed, grabbed a pillow and screamed into it until his throat was sore.

--

A series of texts to various people in his phone and another hole in the wall later, Aubrey finally felt tired enough to shove his phone under his pillow, close the vodka and roll it under his bed.

He burrowed his head under his blankets to block out the setting sun and closed his eyes.

--

Someone was being loud. And letting in light in. Aubrey hissed and burrowed his face into his pillow, trying to cling to sleep for as long as he could.

“Mom told me to wake you up. Come on, Aubs. Rise and shine,” Brody said, sounding like he was trying way too hard to ignore whatever damage Aubrey had wreaked on the walls.

He made a disgruntled noise and ignored him. His head hurt. He wanted more sleep.

When Brody tried to pull his duvet off, he swung at him blindly. “Leave me ‘lone,” he muttered.

Brody backed off, but clearly not for long because he’d started trying to reason with him again.

Aubrey swore under his breath, and then reached over to his bedside table where he’d left one of his social work textbooks.

He grabbed it as Brody continued to explain their plan for the day, and without opening his eyes, he aimed for the sound of his voice and hurled it with as much force as he could.

“Fuck off!”

There was a loud thunk as it hit something that sounded a lot more like a wall than flesh, and then silence, before Aubrey heard Brody sigh and pad out of the room.

Deep down he felt a little apologetic, but mostly he was glad he could sink back into his pillow without further disruption.

--

He dragged himself out of bed eventually, and mumbled an apology to Brody for the textbook throwing.

He was hungry though, so he shuffled into the kitchen and started digging around for pancake ingredients. It was getting dark out but… time was a social construct. He could have pancakes at night. Who gave a shit? They were all slowly inching toward death anyway.

He grabbed a few things, and a bowl and started mixing. Pancakes were good. Safe. He could literally make them in his sleep.

He grabbed some orange juice from the fridge and poured it in a glass, leaving some room at the top, and detoured back into his room for some Smirnoff to mix in. That way he’d be able to pass his drink off for something normal if no one else in the house came too close. He downed his pills with the vodka, and then took a few more sips from the bottle for good measure, and then tucked it back under his bed.

Aubrey returned to the kitchen and sipped some of the screwdriver while he heated up a pan.

Hansel shuffled into the kitchen and whined at his feet, tail wagging. Aubrey glanced down at him, and sighed. The chunky dachshund was giving him wide, sad eyes.

“Bud. Seriously? You’re supposed to be losing weight.”

He leaned down to give him a good scratch on his little snout, and then got up again and grabbed some of the pancake batter, pouring it into the hot pan.

“The first one always sucks. I’ll give you some of it,” he promised. The batter was so slowly bubbling, and once it looked ready, he flipped it.

“Smells good in here,” a female voice said behind him, and Aubrey turned to see Olivia smiling at him.

“Um, thanks Liv,” he said, shifting his weight and taking another sip of his drink to distract himself. “You want any orange juice?”

Olivia shook her head, and crouched, laughing as Hansel waddled over to her. “Thanks, Aubs. I’m good. Just came to find the little fella. My friends won’t stop begging for pictures.”

Aubrey downed the rest of his screwdriver, and then took the first pancake out of the pan, breaking off a good chunk for Hansel who’d returned to nosing at his feet. He poured a new scoop of batter into the pan, and then glanced at Olivia who’d been recording Hansel’s enthusiastic consumption of the pancake.

“Anything for the ‘gram, eh?” He joked. He wasn’t sure what came over him, but he grabbed the spatula holding the remainder of the first pancake and swung it wildly. “We’ve got a pancake here ladies and gentlemen,” he said, laughing before whipping it in Olivia’s direction.

She shrieked before dissolving into giggles as the pancake sailed past her and then slammed into the wall.

Aubrey started laughing again too. “Fuck,” he whispered, going over to examine the splatter on the wall. Olivia was laughing too, and she handed him some paper towels, but he shrugged them off, instead batting at the chunks of pancake ‘til they were on the floor too.

“Hansel will get it,” he said, shrugging, before he swore under his breath as the smell of smoke hit them. The second pancake! He’d forgotten all about it.

“Shit,” he muttered, grabbing the pan and taking it off the burner.

Olivia had fallen quiet behind him, and when he turned, she was looking less amused and more concerned.

“I’ve never seen you burn anything before. Are you okay, Aubrey?”

Aubrey gritted his teeth, but then forced a smile. “Sorry, Liv. We were having fun. Just… got distracted.”

She nodded, still looking worried, and scooped up Hansel now that he was done with his pancake.

“I’m just going to go call my dad, but I’m in the other room if you need any help.” She said, before finally leaving him alone to scrape burned pancake off the pan.

--

He’d been trying to be productive for at least a little bit in between drinking binges and panic attacks, so he was blasting white noise in his earbuds and studying for finals when his bedroom door opened and his mom came inside.

There was a soft but serious look on her face when she took a seat next to him. Aubrey felt something twist in the pit of his stomach. He shut his psych textbook, pulled out his earbuds. “Hey mom.”

“Hi baby bear,” she said, reaching out with her good arm to push his hair out of his face. “Seeing you this week has been wonderful but something’s bothering you. I know it is. Mothers always know… the same way they know about the bottles in the toe kick.” She fixed him with a look, and Aubrey glanced away, ashamed.

He stared down at his hands. His mom was the person he hated disappointing the most. She deserved better.

Her hand was under his jaw, tilting his head up. “My sweet boy. You were the sweetest little child and I know he’s still in there. Under all this fear and pain.”

Aubrey swallowed thickly, tears welling up, and had to wipe at them frantically.

“Mama,” he asked quietly. “What happened to your soulmate?”

It was not a subject they talked about often. The part of her arm she’d lost was also the part with her souldate. He didn’t know if his dad had done that on purpose or not. Aubrey couldn’t remember for the life of him what it had looked like before she’d lost it. 

“My mark turned into a scar when I was eleven,” his mother responded smoothly. There wasn’t any pain or anger in her voice. She was merely stating a fact, as accepted as the colour of the sky. “It’s hard when you don’t know who they are. You can’t even find out what happened. But I was young and I adapted.”

He nodded, pulling his knees up to rest his chin on them as he watched her. He couldn’t even imagine. While he’d always resented his mark, he found it hard to think about how he would’ve reacted if suddenly it had scratched out like that.

“What made you decide to…” he paused, unsure how to phrase it. His mother, perceptive as usual, finished the sentence for him.

“Marry your father? He was a sweet talker. Said he didn’t care about his date, that he was focused on the here and now and that he’d take care of me,” she said, pursing her lips. “It must sound silly to you now, that I believed him but… he was very convincing.” 

She reached out to stroke his hair again. “And I wanted a family. As much as I hate the man now, he did give me you and your brother.”

Aubrey smiled at that, but it was still weighing on him.

“And now? Do you ever think about… finding someone?”

Her eyes sparkled, but she shook her head. “Do I wish I had some great epic romance? Of course. Do I think there’s still someone out there who could give me that? Of course. But I’m happy now. I want to focus on you. On Brody and his wedding. If someone stumbles into my life then maybe I’ll give it a chance, but I’m not missing anything right now.”

Aubrey nodded, though a part of him thought it was supremely unfair that his mother didn’t get to have someone looking for her. He hated the idea as a whole, but if anyone deserved it, it was her. He certainly didn’t and somehow he had it? And she didn’t? It was another piece in his mounting pile of evidence that the universe was profoundly cruel and unfair.

“Aubrey, listen to me.” His mother’s voice broke him out of his reverie. She fixed him with a steady gaze.

“You are complete. Soulmate or not. Every single one of us is complete,” she assured him. “There is nothing missing. I’m not missing out. You’re not missing out. Your brother wasn’t somehow lacking until he met Olivia. I want you to always remember that. It’s something I should’ve remembered when I was young.”

Aubrey nodded, his eyes welling up again, and this time when he went to wipe at them, she grabbed his arm with her hand, and then held it carefully.

“But don’t build walls either. You hear me? Let people in. Me. Your brother. Whoever is out there and wants to see the real you. You don’t need them, the same way you don’t need a 5th copy of the Communist Manifesto. But they will enrich your life. I don’t want you to run away from that.”

She leaned in and kissed his forehead, and then let go of his hand, and patted his arm instead. 

“I’ll let you get back to your studying.”

--

Aubrey had somehow managed to catch a cold, amidst all the other bullshit that was currently going on in his life. His voice being shot hadn’t stopped him from playing so much guitar that even his calluses hadn’t stopped his fingers from getting sore.

He strummed, starting a new song, and determinedly blaming the cracks in his voice on his sore throat and not the fact that there was a ball in his chest that ached.

“Fell out of bed, butterfly bandage, but don’t worry. You’ll never remember your head is far too blurry. Put him in the back of a squad car, restrain that man! He needs his head put through a CAT scan. Hey editor, I'm undeniable, hey doctor, I'm certifiable,” he sang. 

Fuck. Fuck he was not going to make himself cry. 

“I'm a loose bolt of a complete machine. What a match, I'm half doomed and you're semi-sweet.” He stopped, swearing under his breath, and wiped at his tears.  

“So boycott love. Detox just to retox. And I’d promise you anything for another shot at life.”

Gretel meowed and he sighed, turning to look at her. She was curled up, but her eyes were fixed on him. She blinked slowly at him and he nodded.

“Yeah, I know. I’m all over the place.”

She made a meeeeeerp noise, and rolled onto her back, paws in the air. If she could speak English, he assumed she’d be giving him a pep-talk right now.

“You’re very smart, Grets.”

She snuffled, rolling back onto her belly and meowed again, quieter this time.

“You want me to get it together? Join the club.”

--

Brody’s decision to change the pronouns when he sang “New Rules” was pure cowardice, and Brody made sure to tell him that despite the fact that he otherwise enjoyed his brother’s impromptu performance.

He was sitting cross-legged on the floor, watching as Brody strummed his guitar absently as he tried to decide what he wanted to play next. They were alone, and having a ‘Bros Day’, Olivia having decided to take their mom out for the day. She was a kind girl. Perfect for Brody.

He sighed at the thought, and apparently that was enough to catch his brother’s attention because he was setting the guitar down.

“Kid, are we going to talk about whatever all of this is?”

Aubrey didn’t reply for a moment, biting his lip as he thought.

“Were you scared when you got together with Olivia?” He asked eventually.

He didn’t meet Brody’s eyes when he asked, even though he could feel them boring into him. He heard, rather than saw his brother get off the chair, set his guitar down, and come sit next to him.

“Terrified,” Brody replied after a moment. “But everything clicked as soon as it happened. I couldn’t let myself be scared for long. Not with her around.”

Aubrey rubbed at his face. “Sounds awesome,” he said, only a little sarcastically. Brody laughed a little and nudged him.

Aubrey glanced at him out of the corner of his eye. “Um, what’s your manifestation?”

“Well, you know the voice in your head?”

Aubrey’s brow furrowed. “Your… thoughts?”

Brody nodded, before tilting his head to the side and tapping one of his temples with a finger. “My internal monologue’s in her voice. Hers is in mine. Kinda trippy, huh?”

“I guess. Kind of pointless too.”

Brody elbowed him again. “Stop being such a cynical little shit. I like it. It’s like I’m always carrying a piece of her with me.”

“She’s really sweet,” Aubrey conceded. “Like too sweet. Don’t you ever worry that she deserves better? Or… or get freaked out that this is all just some higher power’s meddling and you don’t have control over it at all?”

Brody slung an arm around Aubrey’s shoulder and gave him a shoulder pat. “Nope. There’s no use thinking like that. I love her. She loves me. I don’t think overcomplicating one of the most basic things in life is productive. What’s it achieve?”

Aubrey didn’t really have an answer.

He’d hoped this conversation would do something to sway him, one way or another, but instead he was just frustrated.

He mimed gagging just to get Brody to stop looking at him with earnest eyes, like he was trying to peer into his soul.

It didn’t work.

“So, is there something you want to tell me? About someone special?”

Aubrey froze.

“Shut up, Brody.”

“Aubs…”

“Shut up,” he said, standing up and stumbling back from his brother, fists clenched. “There’s nothing and no one. I was just asking —”

Brody came closer, not dissuaded at all by his outburst.

“You’re a bad liar, squirt, seriously, talk to me.”

Something was building up behind Aubrey’s vision, making his heart beat faster and the feeble control he had over his emotions start to snap.

“I just want to help,” Brody continued.

Be quiet. Be quiet. Be quiet.

“I know the kiss is scary and that dad fucked us both up but you need to —”

The last thread of control over Aubrey’s temper snapped and he was shoving Brody against the wall, his fist slamming into the plaster next to his brother’s head.

“I don’t need to do anything! Fucking stop. Shut up about it,” he hissed.

Brody looked stunned for a moment, before his expression shifted into something more neutral, careful.

“Take a deep breath, Aubs. And step back. You’re better than this. You’re not dad. I know you’re not.”

He didn’t move, breathing in hard through his nose as his pulse pounded in his ears. He drew his hand back and punched the wall again, and then for a third time, the pain blossoming through his first slowly breaking through his haze.

“I hate you, why do you always have to push?” he said, his voice cracking as he finally drew back and then kicked the chair over. His shoulders slumped as he ran a hand through his hair and fought the urge to hit some more. He beelined for the kitchen, not bothering to see if Brody was following him or not, and opened the fridge, pulling out a bottle of red wine that Olivia had bought, popping off the cork and then unceremoniously chugging some of it.

He wiped at his eyes, and then leaned against the fridge, his pulse still racing, the cocktail of fury and fear making him volatile.

“I’m sorry.” Brody’s voice. He was quiet for another moment. “I just want you to be happy.”

Aubrey took another swig of the wine, not meeting his brother’s eyes as all the fight suddenly left him. In its place was a mix of shame and regret.

Something was seriously broken in him. His family deserved better. So did his friends. And Sebastian, especially.

“I’m sorry too,” he said hoarsely. “I swear I’ve been taking my meds. Everything’s just bad right now.”

Brody drew closer, and reached out to take the bottle from him. He relinquished it without a fight, and then slid down onto his knees, leaning against the fridge. Aubrey watched his brother pour the contents down the sink and didn’t try to stop him.

“Get up. We don’t need to talk about this anymore but we’re having an adventure outside where you can kick and hit all the shit you want without consequence,” Brody said, fixing him with a look that Aubrey knew meant he wasn’t going to budge on this.

He held a hand out and Brody pulled him up. He still felt deeply rattled. He was sure Brody did too. “Fine. But stop stealing my phone to go on my Instagram. And posting weird creepshots of me.”

Brody grinned and patted his shoulder. “No promises.”

--

Aubrey’s last night in Minnesota was meant to be low-key, but somehow it had turned into Brody and Olivia trying desperately to perfect the ‘It’s Gonna Be Me’ dance, though they spent half their practice giggling and kissing.

It was disgusting. But kind of adorable.

But his mom found it precious and wouldn’t stop recording their every attempt, so Aubrey toned down his roasting to more of a simmer.

It almost felt normal. Almost.

His fight or flight response had triggered his impromptu visit to Minnesota, but now that it was almost over, he had to admit it had done him some good. He was certainly feeling marginally more stable than he’d been at the beginning of the week. Jury was out on whether that calm would last on the plane back to New York.

He glanced around the living room, scooping Gretel up and hugging her to his chest. He was going to miss home. He didn’t know when he’d be back, considering he’d blown through his savings, and even if he wanted to take Santana up on her offer, he’d been horrendously rude to her and it probably didn’t stand anymore.

So instead he committed the smiles on Brody and Olivia and his mom’s faces to memory. If he took on some extra shifts, he could probably come see them again for Thanksgiving but a summer visit was definitely out of the cards now.

--

Waking up at 5 a.m. just so he could catch his stupid flight to New York was seriously not it. But at least this time he hadn’t thrown anything at his brother when he’d forced him awake. It was all about the small victories.

He hugged his mom for about five minutes straight, and he was crying a little when he finally pulled back.

She kissed each of his cheeks, and then his forehead. “My baby bear. Things will look up. I promise.”

“I’m sorry for…” he trailed off. For what? The fighting with Brody? For bringing violence back into her home? The yelling and holes in the wall? “For everything.”

She reached up and wiped at his tears, and smiled at him. “Work on feeling better, and then consider yourself forgiven.”

He nodded. That was fair. And frankly more than he deserved. His mom was an endless fountain of patience.

“I love you. I’ll call you when my flight lands. Happy mother’s day.”

--

Brody gave him much of the same advice on the way to the airport, before reeling him in for a hug once they were in the terminal.

“Sort your shit out and quit destroying your liver,” he said, fixing him with a look once he’d pulled back.

Aubrey shot him a half-smile. “I think if my liver survived high school, it’ll survive this.”

Brody sighed, but Aubrey was very skilled in the art of deciphering his brother’s sighs by now. This one wasn’t angry, just kind of resigned. He’d take disappointed over pissed any day.

“I know it’s hard. You know I do. But just… stop self-sabotaging and let yourself have good things. Don’t let dad’s shit ruin your life more than he already has.”

Aubrey gave his brother a two-fingered salute as he walked backwards from him, pulling his carry-on in front of him. “Aye, aye captain.”

It was good advice. Brody was good at knowing the right things to say but Aubrey was never very good at listening to him.

-- 

His first stop once he got back to New York was his apartment. He needed to drop off his suitcase and his guitar.

He’d gotten tipsy on the plane, and then spent his commute back to his apartment staring at the mountain of texts on his phone. He’d read them over and over all week, and every time he did, his chest felt tight.

It was like squeezing lemon juice onto a paper cut. Pointless and painful. He couldn’t stand it. He seriously needed more to drink, nevermind the fact that it wasn’t even noon yet.

He finally reached his apartment, and let himself in. He beelined for his room, dropping his bag and guitar off, before he padded out to the kitchen to see what was in the fridge. 

Chet usually had something — Bingo! — he spotted a nearly full bottle of Fireball tucked away behind some takeout containers, and pulled it out, opening it and taking a few gulps, before shutting the fridge and turning around.

Oh.

“Hi Kyle,” he said, a bit sheepishly, as his wide-eyed roommate took a step back towards his bedroom.

He rubbed at his forehead, and then took another gulp from the bottle before plopping down on the couch.

“I’m sorry about last week,” he said, chewing on his lip for a moment. “You didn’t deserve it. Even if your room does smell like you’re hiding dead bodies in there.”

Kyle stared at him for a moment, before he broke out into a grin, and came over to slap him enthusiastically on the shoulder.

“Right on, dude. Don’t even worry about it. What’s a couple smacks between friends?”

If Aubrey’d been sober, he probably would’ve disputed that statement a little further. It was probably not healthy or normal for friends to regularly hit each other. He didn’t even think of Kyle as a friend.

But drunk Aubrey was just going to take it as a win, because he was sorely needing one of those this week.

“Thanks, man.” He waved the bottle in Kyle’s direction. “You’re not gonna tell Chet about this, right?”

Kyle shook his head. “Nah, brah. Your secret’s safe with me.”

His roommate finally disappeared back into the biohazard he called a room and Aubrey took another sip of his drink, and pulled out his phone, staring at it for a minute or two before getting up and putting the Fireball away.

It was probably time for him to go see Sebastian.

[cosmicroadkill]

In which I rant about Homestuck and Girls

I don’t hate the girls in Homestuck but I do hate how the fandom and even the source material handles them. I cannot stand how Nepeta is often reduced to this cutesy little girl who needs Equius to hold her hand, how Aradia’s personality is basically just straight-up ignored, or how Kanaya is sometimes either made the Mom Friend for gags or the Sexy Lesbian Vampire as if she has no other traits. I hate how Terezi and Feferi are treated like they did nothing wrong, as if Terezi didn’t get John KILLED on one timeline, and Fef’s ideals weren’t thinly veiled/rose-colored castism, and don’t even get me STARTED on Vriska.

I want to like Vriska, not only because I’m a Scorpio but because for the most part, she really is a badass, but she’s also a giant fucking bitch who never really faces the consequences of her actions. The closest we get is Tavros telling her off towards the end and even that is mild compared to her: Paralyzing him under the claims of making him stronger Murdering him later  Making Sollux murder Aradia  Blinding Terezi  Using John to one-up Terezi (which Terezi also did with Dave which is kinda fucked on both their parts, like wtf) 

True, she feels genuine remorse for killing Tavros but that doesn’t stop her from treating him like shit in the afterlife. And after all of this she STILL gets to be the hero of the story, she STILL gets to be the one thing that basically fixes the timeline, she ultimately gets what she wants and I hate it.  

And then there’s Terezi; cool, cooky, I love her scalemates and her serious knowledge about Alternian law and loyalty to her friends but the way she (and Kanaya for that matter) lets herself get wrapped up in Vriska’s bullshit is so, ugh! Like I pointed out, her whole thing with Dave started out as a competition between her and Vriska (I think she even says as much? I’d have to go back and check) which is shitty because she literally fucking uses Dave’s own insecurities when it comes to John to push him forward at her pace. Granted, both her and Vris kinda ease up and turn it into a friendship with their respective humans but that doesn’t exactly excuse the behavior. (I’m not too happy that they both lead into relationships the more I think about it, even if they both eventually fell through. That’s just, that’s not a good way to start a relationship).

There’s already a comprehensive post about Feferi’s shit/possible shit.

And then you have Kanaya, Nepeta, and Aradia who basically get their personalities fuckin neutered by a good portion of the fandom. While the Mom Friend jokes can be funny with Kan, its overplay and kinda tiring though admittedly preferable to Diva persona I saw a lot of people give her in early fandom, and anyone who makes Nepeta into a weak, baby owo girl who needs Equius to protect her is gonna catch these hands because Nep has proved to be one of the strongest and most capable of the trolls; fucking Equius would take out your kneecaps if he heard you talking about her that way. And Aradia? Like shit, it's like some of y’all just completely ignored her after she godtiered. (I know her personality was present before that but after is when she really shined) She’s funky and weird and kinda creepy and I wish more people would like be into that you know? Like I wish she and Jake and Dave could have been friends because you know those three would have gotten into so much trouble together.

Which leads to the human girls and gods do I wanna scream. Rose’s more “dorky” interests like writing wizard stories, gaming (as she was the most excited of the four for sburb if memory serves me) are often ignored in favor of playing her off as the “cool gof GF”. She’s not cool, none of the Strilonds are actually cool in the common sense of the words, they’re all fucking dorks. She literally psychoanalysis her friends for fun and spends a whole page (2 pages?) butchering sports with Dave. 

Jade, I found, was often dumbed down to the ditzy “blond” friend for a while, though I’m not sure if that still pervades her tag or not, but I have another beef with her that I’ll get to in a second. 

Roxy is often toted as the end all be all of NonProblematic Kids when they have Emotionally Abused Dirk  Almost killed Jane  Acted like Jake was stupid (then again, most of his friends did)  That’s not to say Roxy doesn’t TRY; they’re very aware of the harm they’ve caused to their friends and actively try to do better but that, like Terezi, that doesn’t mean you just get to ignore the shit they did. 

And Jane, Christ, Jane. She gets kicked by the majority of the fandom and even her friends and few times but the moment she claps back or makes a mistake (like telling Roxy she liked them better when they were drunk), she gets dunked on by what feels like everyone and their mother. Yes, Jane can be shitty at times but considering  Her crush basically manipulated her into the friendzone and then nonstop talked about his boyfriend problems for months (including on her OWN BIRTHDAY)  She was fatshamed and sexually harrassed(?) by Caliborn Roxy blew up her computer which could have killed her  Everything in general just going to shit Can you really blame her? Granted that doesn’t mean she should get away with the horrible things she’s said/done either like the aforementioned Roxy convo or, at least to some extent, her threats of sexual slavery against Jake. 

Which brings me to my big issue I mentioned with Jade; What’s with the human girls getting their agency stolen? Grimdark/bark, Trickster, Crockertier?? Like seriously, wtf?? Granted, Trickster happened to all the alpha kids and they were mostly aware so that one’s a little grasping for straws but the others? Like wtf man???

[seeroftodayandtomorrow]

Tdb rewatch: Tested

German title: Premiere. I feel that must be a mix-up with next episode; that title doesn’t fit at all.

I love this episode. Maybe I shouldn’t: fatshaming Blaine is so wrong for many reasons. The first is that fatshaming in general is bad, then of course Blaine isn’t fat at all, and I’m sick of shows and people putting it like being fat or getting fat is the worst thing ever. But, Blaine being afraid of getting fat in this episode is of course just the framework for his underlying fear of losing Kurt’s love for  whatever reason - because he is no longer attractive to him, because Kurt finds someone else, because Blaine isn’t the person he used to be, and neither is their dynamic. That has changed most of all, all of us noticed, and I’m glad they addressed that and also at least touched upon what that means for their respective views of the relationship and also why it might make some things difficult, especially for Blaine (but Kurt notices as well, and says he has to watch out for Blaine while he becomes the person he wants to be. He wants to change himself, not their relationship). I’m not sure going on a diet and drinking vile drinks is the solution, but well. Love is a battlefield is genius, and Kurt looks like a pissed-off Dom here  (what was that fic again?)

I...don’t have an actual problem with Mercedes’s storyline, but it is weird to me. Maybe it’s cultural. In Germany, we don’t place as much value on chastity as the US seem to do, though I’m sure that there are some very religious people who wait till marriage. But for the majority, that wouldn’t even be something they’d consider. But I’m glad that Mercedes gets to explore her feelings on that matter, and especially, that she very clearly and concisely tells Sam what she wants. Sam, as always, is well-meaning but bumbling. I’m pretty sure getting tested for STDs and buying your girlfriend desserts with gold would be considered pressuring her under normal circumstances. I’m glad Mercedes knows what he means and sets her boundaries very clearly.

Artie’s storyline is just so funny. The knowledge that he would be in that STD costume made my son watch the episode with us, even though it is practically only about love and sex.  I love the ad in the beginning with the boys in the sailor suits, and Artie in his costume, and “clap! Clap!” and everything. Particularly, of course, “That would be how”, and Sam slut-shaming him. It is hilarious. What I also thought funny was that Artie’s date only joins in the singing a very little, and how most of the time, she stands there looking bemused. McKinley was really its own world, and those that come from there appear a little weird to other people. 

But, Artie...I mean, he dated Brittany, who was considered among the hottest girls, and Kitty, who isn’t exactly unattractive either, and Tina (who is considered not hot in the show, but whom I personally find very attractive look-wise. Not necessarily personality-wise). But I mean, if he dates two or three girls at once when he can, I suppose only one girl at a time would be considered bad. Not glad to see Artie is still as sexist as ever.

[bluewaverider05]

As a Shinfriend with an opinion, I feel like I'm doing myself a disservice keeping quiet about this. It's just such a polarising topic, I worried for my reputation if I said anything. I'm sick of everyone being so calm about this though.

Please be aware that this isn't aimed at anyone who might still be hurting. It's not easy to for some to move on after hearing a thing like "that". It's not their fault and it never will be. This is about the assholes that are making a mockery and taking advantage of a real issue for the sake of slandering an idol out of petty spite.

I don't think there's a single person on this planet now that doesn't know what Shindong said. It doesn't need to be repeated here. I am by no means looking to absolve him of that. I was personally hurt when I read about it, yes I was sad, yes I cried. By the end of the article, I'd come to the conclusion that his opinion didn't matter to me any more than anyone else's, because it can't be changed, and so I resolved to meet him and punch him one (1) time for having said it. After seeing the standard for how people act towards him, I honestly don't have it in me to be upset at him anymore. I was angry, briefly, but never thought of leaving him or the music that I've come to depend on.

It took a couple of weeks for it to sink in that this happened almost nine years ago. Think about the backlash that he would have faced immediately after it happened. A week after. A month. A year. Five years. Nearly ten years to think about what he said. I don't care how horrible a person you think he is, he would have been reconsidering his opinion from the minute he said it, and after this many years it'd be pretty strange if he didn't think differently by now. Even if he hadn't said what he said and been torn apart for it, considering how much the public's view has changed in all that time, his opinions would probably be different by now as well.

Realistically, he's probably a complete dick, most people are, even though I have a feeling that he isn't. That's just my own stupid fault for assuming the best of people. That doesn't matter to me, because no matter what he's like as a person, he's doing the best he can to make up for his past actions. What more do you want him to do?

And do you really think that bringing it up over and over and over again is actually helping anything? By all means talk about it, dicuss it. Just stop barging into unrelated conversations and demanding that a person that we clearly think the world of should be "cancelled" or whatever. Remember to use past tense; call him out for what he thought rather than what he thinks, for what he said, not what he says. It's over, stop pretending that it's an ongoing thing when it isn't. He hasn't said anything else like that since it happened, he's even completely changed his public stance to be completely supportive.

All that he's said since then has been positive. But you're trying to erase all of that, because you're petty and just want him to suffer for what he did. You're trying to bury all of the positive words that he's directed at people that he might have hurt, just for the sake of hurting him. Do you realise what that means? People might actually need to hear these things from someone that's important to them, but instead, you're throwing around all this shit about him being a terrible human being and perpetuating this horrible thing that happened once, years ago, as though it were repeated behaviour that he hasn't been spending the rest of his career trying to atone for.

And he apologised as soon as the public called him out for it initially. The apology was messy and confusing. It wasn't forced and nicely formatted like a regular artist apology would be, because his company didn't demand that he apologise and then throw a template at him to fill out and show off to the media. He listened to the public, saw that people were hurt, and apologised himself.

He was stating an opinion. It was a pretty shitty opinion, sure, but he wasn't being intentionally malicious or threatening anyone's life. He didn't seem to have any idea that what he was saying could hurt the people that heard it. That doesn't mean it was okay to say it. We know. We get it. Everyone gets it, I hope. But what he said is nowhere near the level of the rot that you "antis" are coming up with. I hate that we're normalising this kind of behaviour and chalking it up to just being "what the antis do". If it was any normal person being talked about like this, people would be all over the malicious comments, but because Shindong's famous that makes it okay. Antis can use the most disgusting slurs, harass the man directly, publicly fantasise over the specifics of what they'd do to him with a knife. But it just slides by because he's a celebrity and it's to be expected. Even though it's damaging to both the people that care about him and innocent bystanders that have nothing to do with it, and just happen upon it by accident.

You realise that there's collateral damage happening here, right? People that really don't need to hear any of this are hearing it. You know exactly what I'm talking about without me having to say it. You're arguing like a bunch of children and people are getting hurt because of it. The only ones throwing around fatphobic insults here are this bunch of hypocrites telling Shindong to die for something that he's actually making an effort to fix. And don't you dare try and tell me that people aren't using this as an excuse to fatshame him. If they actually cared about what he said rather than how he looks, then they wouldn't even be mentioning his weight in the first place; instead, they're going on like a bunch of bitchy primary schoolers. Considering that, it's probably understandable that they think he'll never change, because they never do. But if you don't believe that people can change, that's your own issue to deal with, there's no need to go around harassing others because of that.

All that they're achieving is dredging up bad memories that nobody wants to think about, trying to stir people up. It's bad enough that this happened at all, but now they're making an effort to shove it under our noses at every possible opportunity. I hate that it happened. And I hate all of you for making it worse. I've finally found my happy trigger, something that I can just look at and magically feel alright. But all of this nonsense is starting to ruin it.

Another thing that I've been keeping to myself... Some of you ELF have such an overinflated superiority complex that it makes me feel sick to be one of you sometimes. If you weren't such a bunch of snobs, you might stop bragging about how your faves are the best and the first and all that, and maybe you could appreciate music for music, rather than the people that figurehead the production team that creates it. That goes for everyone. You don't have to love every song from every artist, but if you have so much trouble playing well with others, just don't. It shouldn't be that hard not to provoke each other. I really honestly do not understand why that seems to be impossible.

tl;dr: I am not a blinded, all forgiving fan. I was hurt by what he said. But you hypocrites are acting like he's the Anti-Christ or some shit. You're benefitting literally no one. If you absolutely have to talk smack about others to feel better about yourself, just remember that private messaging apps exist for a reason. If that's too complicated for you, there's nothing more I can do. Please just get your heads out of your arses and learn to let each other live already.