#I’m not saying they aren’t already in most cases they are but he highlights it like boosts them it’s something I’ve noticed

[chaosinstigator]

danny really has a gift for making people around him seem likable

[deedeeznoots]

Can we please get some hcs of Sukuna and reader in the fairytale AU 🥹🥹

Absolutely amazing writing I loved every single thing of it!💖💖

Cottage Life

➺ Characters: Ryomen Sukuna, Fem!Reader  

➺ Word Count: 2.5k

➺ Genre: Fluff, Mentions of Smut  

➺ Content: MDNI, Established Relationship, True Form!Sukuna, Princess!Reader, Swearing, Mentions of Murder, Mentions of Smut

➺ A/N: Hi Anon! Thank you for the kind words and the request, I’d love to do this. I’m so glad that people enjoyed my Sukuna Fairy Tale AU so I’m 100% going to explore the idea more. On another note, this is also my first ever request🥹 I’m giggling and kicking my feet at the thought of people enjoying my writing enough to want to request specific things for me to create so I just want to take the time to say if you have an idea for me to write anything specific please do not hesitate to ask! Thank you all very very much. :)

➺ Synopsis: Small glimpses into your daily life with Sukuna in the deep woods. While not fully necessary to understand these little snippets, reading the beginning of your story with Sukuna would certainly enhance the experience. <3 

ꨄ Pre-Relationship: Secret Meetings ꨄ

➼ When you first began meeting with him regularly he was pretty mean to you and ignored you most of the time when you tried to talk to him. Despite this, he always kept you by his side anyways and didn’t deter you from meeting him.

➼ One time you straight up asked him why and he said it was because you brought food to him. While you accepted that answer, you knew inside that wasn’t really the case because he would still keep you around even after you both ate. 

➼ After warming up to you one of the things that you two bonded over was the nature in the forest. Sukuna would explain the wildlife to you since you were unfamiliar for a long time and he was to your surprise, a really good teacher. 

➼ He was able to answer any questions you had and went over every detail that he knew about the woods and was able to keep things interesting.

➼ When you both spent that night under the stars he was serious when he tried flirting with you but quickly realized what he did so he tried to play it off as a joke (he couldn’t be caught being too soft, after all). 

➼ Since he’s so much stronger and bigger than you (and literally everyone lol) he makes sure to be extra cautious and gentle around you because despite what he seems like, he doesn’t want to genuinely scare people, especially you.

➼ Speaking of, he has no idea why you aren’t scared of him and doesn’t understand why you act like the way he looks is no big deal. He doesn’t complain though and never mentions it to you. 

��� One of the reasons you’re not scared of him is because he has saved your life more times than you could count, and why would you be scared of someone who continually keeps you alive, most of the time at his own expense? 

➼ “No, don't eat those berries, they’re poisonous…wha-what do you mean you already had five?!”

➼ He had to do some poison control that day… and it wasn’t very fun. 

➼ Every time he saves your life he always tells you that he’ll just leave you next time but you know that’s not true at all.

➼ You would also always get injured for stupid reasons so he’d take care of your wounds like he did when you both first officially met (he’d laugh first though)

➼ One of the days you visited you realized you had a talent for making flower crowns so you would spend a lot of time with him doing it while you both talked and walked around the woods.

➼ You mostly gave yours to him as a gift 

➼ He would grumble and act like he hated it but he would keep them on anyway and he kept all of them. After a while it grew into a small collection that he secretly cherishes. 

➼ Sukuna secretly (though, it wasn’t a secret to you) loved these meetings, and your visits were the highlight of his day every time.

ꨄ Early Relationship: Locked Away ꨄ

➼ Sukuna was confused at first when you stopped visiting him after sleeping with him. 

➼ He thought he did something wrong and you didn’t have a good time, or that he hurt you in some way. 

➼ He tried to put on the tough guy act at first and tried to convince himself that he didn’t like you all that much anyways. 

➼ Obviously, it wasn’t true and he’s a big softy on the inside so he gave into his temptations to see you. 

➼ When he saw the guards by your bedroom window, he realized what happened, and remembered that you always had to sneak out to see him. 

➼ Once he realized what actually happened he chastised himself for being so pouty and feeling sorry for himself instead of going to see you sooner. 

➼ To make up for this he goes to look at you every day as you stand by your window.

➼ Eventually, you noticed him and you both would spend the whole day just sitting with each other from afar. 

➼ Sometimes he would see you cry when he visited and his heart would break because he couldn’t wipe your tears away. 

➼ He has resisted the urge to attempt to fight the guards by your window more than he can count.

➼ Only reason he didn’t was his fear of making things worse for you if he did.

➼ On the day of your wedding, he noticed that you weren’t by your window like usual. 

➼ He learned his lesson about giving up on you too soon, so he decided instead of leaving you be, that he would go around the castle and look for you to see if you were okay. 

➼ Too invested in finding you, he didn’t realize that he stood a tad too close to some of the guards of your castle, leading to him getting caught by them. 

➼ That turned out to be a happy accident however, as they led him directly to you and gave you both the chance to run away together. 

➼ He was secretly proud of you stabbing someone so easily, but he’ll never tell you that directly.

ꨄ Long-Term Relationship: Cottage Life ꨄ

➼ When you both first found the cottage in the woods, it was in very rough shape. 

➼ It was dirty, barely had a roof, and there were broken windows everywhere. It was obvious that no one had lived there for some time. 

➼ Well… one man’s trash is another one’s treasure, and you both worked day and night to fix the cottage after first finding it. 

➼ You weren’t used to any physical discomfort at all, so it took a while for you to get used to these types of conditions. However, Sukuna always made sure to help you feel better.

➼ For example, one time it rained and you two got super wet inside your home due to the roof not being 100% secure. 

➼ It was tough for you. Not only were the two of you wet, but the inside of the home you both spent tons of time fixing up was flooded now as well. 

➼ Thankfully, Sukuna always found a way to turn unfortunate situations upside down. 

➼ “Come on, let’s go play in the mud, you didn’t eat enough dirt as a kid”

➼ You both immediately felt better once you played in the rain together… especially when Sukuna would be ever the romantic and lift you up to kiss you as water droplets fell on both of you.

➼ After months of sweat and tears, the cottage was finally fixed and cleaned. 

➼ It quickly became the love of your life, second only to Sukuna, and you both quickly settled into your humble abode.  

➼ You would always wake up first which would give you a few moments where you could stare at Sukuna’s sleeping face

➼ This was your favorite thing to do every morning, because you loved his calm expression more than anything.

➼ Sometimes he catches you and as he opens his eyes he would sarcastically go “Don’t stare. It’s weird” and laugh at your blushing face. 

➼ When this happens you would just lightly hit his chest and jokingly tell him to fuck off. 

➼ You would always give him a nice long kiss first thing every morning though.

➼ Despite you no longer being a Princess, he always makes sure to pamper you like one anyways.

➼ For example, whenever you have a craving for something that can’t be found in the wild he would make sure to get it at any costs. 

➼ This includes traveling hours to the closest villages and sneaking in to take their stuff. 

➼ You always get mad at him for doing this because it could put him in serious danger, but he laughs and tells you it’s fine and that in all his time living near humans he was only caught once and it was because of you. 

➼ To this, you roll your eyes but you thank him anyways for caring so much about you that he’d work so hard to satisfy such a small craving. 

➼ Whenever you’re busy doing something, he makes it a point to catch you off guard and hug you from behind with his four arms. 

➼ You’re never actually caught off guard and can sense him from miles away (he has very loud footsteps), but you pretend anyway to get him to keep doing it. 

➼ Most days you both spend your time walking around and exploring the nature around you both. However, on particularly lazy days, you two spend most of the day just cuddling together.

➼ One thing that stays the same is that every night both of you look at the stars like the first night you two spent together. 

➼ Unlike that first night though, Sukuna would always make it a point to go down on you while outside. 

➼ Also unlike that first night, there was no pressure to rush home so you two would fall asleep outside under the stars.

➼ One time though, you woke up screaming when you found a giant bug crawling on you. Sukuna took the bug away but would always make fun of you for it whenever you both decided to sleep outside. 

➼ Sukuna would tell you he loved you in the most random of times: Walking around, eating dinner, anywhere really. He would just look you in the eyes and quietly say “I love you”.

➼ This is always paired with small kisses all over your face that make you giggle because of how ticklish they are. 

➼ Sometimes when you two are cuddling in bed he would randomly lick your back with his stomach mouth to make you jump. 

➼ “What the hell Ryomen!?” 

➼ “Hehe, sorry” 

➼ You both discovered your hidden talents while living together, and Sukuna realized his talent happened to be dress making. He realized this after he made a little makeshift dress out of your wedding attire when he carelessly ripped it away. 

➼ He was able to make you some pretty good dresses with the most random of cloth that he found around the woods. They weren’t the most formal, but they were certainly the best dresses you’ve ever had, being handmade by someone you loved.

➼ You once again tell him he doesn’t have to do all this but he makes you stuff anyway. 

➼ “Who said it was about you? This shit is fun as hell!” which made you laugh.

➼ He now has to pay extra mind to not completely rip your clothes off during bed because you two no longer had an infinite void of clothing choices. 

➼ In fact, he actually swung a little too far in the opposite direction…

➼ “Wait. Take it off carefully, I worked hard on this one. I SAID BE CAREFUL IDIOT–”

➼ Despite this, accidents still happen and sometimes he would rip them off in the heat of the moment anyways.

➼ Living together, you had to learn to do a lot of things related to maintaining a home like cleaning since you weren’t used to doing this stuff yourself.

➼ Sukuna told you that it’s fine and that he’d do it but you insisted that you should learn how to do things on your own now that you’re independent. 

➼ Being the good teacher that he is,  Sukuna would go on to teach you basic chores. 

➼ He would still tease you sometimes while teaching you though. Such as one time when you accidentally burned yourself by the fire trying to make dinner and he laughed when you kept flailing your hand everywhere. 

➼ He didn’t bully you for too long though, he was still worried of course. So, he made sure to heal the burns and help kiss them better. 

➼ You’re still able to make those flower crowns like before, so you guys would make flower crowns for each other all the time, and this time Sukuna didn’t hide how proud he was of them. 

➼ Everytime he gave you yours he’d give you a small kiss on the forehead before placing the crown on your head.

➼ You would try to do the same and would go on your tippy toes trying to reach him, but he’s hella tall so it doesn’t work. 

➼ “Jesus, you are 9 ft tall” 

➼ “Is that what they tell people? That’s not true at all” He would smile, crossing his arms as you attempted to jump up to place the crown on him. 

➼ “Well whatever you are I can’t fucking reach you”

➼ He eventually lifts you up by your hips and lets you place the crown on him and give him his little forehead kiss. 

➼ Whenever you two are together, he always has his hands on you (he has four of course, and he needs to put them to good use). Whether it’s placing your hand on his, or having an arm around your waist, one hand always had to be on you. 

➼ You both have every meal together, from breakfast to dinner. They’re mostly quiet and you both just take the time to bask in each other’s presence. 

➼ From this, you learned just how much Sukuna LOVES to eat.

➼ You noticed this already before of course, since your relationship started with you bringing him food, but you really notice it once you begin eating together 

➼ Sometimes when he’s eating his food too quickly you tell him to take it easy in order to not upset his stomach 

➼ In response, he’d point to his smiling stomach mouth and go “Does he look upset to you?” 

➼ You’d just laugh at this point lol and leave him be with one last comment about how he seriously shouldn’t eat so fast 

➼ He listens for a bit and takes smaller bites, but he goes right back into it after a few minutes.

➼ You weren’t great at cooking at first, but Sukuna didn’t really care and ate your food anyways

➼ “Don’t worry I eat anything, this is trash though” he’d say with food in his mouth, only half joking.

➼ Once you got better at the skill, he always insisted for you to cook or for the two of you to cook together since it tasted better when you did it (when you knew what you were doing, of course). 

➼ Speaking of together… At first, you two tried to take baths together at the nearby river.

➼ Emphasis on tried, because Sukuna always got too excited seeing your naked body and you two weren’t able to get clean at all. 

➼ Due to this, you decided it was best to bathe separately, to Sukuna’s dismay. 

➼ Occasionally you still allowed him to join you, of course. 

➼ Sukuna made love with you every time like it would be the last time. 

➼ In the back of his head, he always remembers the time you were taken away from him right after you both spent a night together.

➼ With this in mind, he always makes sure to make each session one you’d never forget, and he always delivered on this promise, of course. 

➼ He would always take care of you after of course, and always made sure you were okay. 

➼ You were fine, but you passed out 99% of the time so he would wipe you down and make sure to cuddle you. 

➼ He’s always worried about you being in danger again, but whenever he sees you asleep next to him he can’t help but think of anything but what he ever did to deserve you 

➼ Of course, from the moment you wake up to see his sleeping face, you can’t help but think the same thing about him.  

➼ Your life is a lot different now. Not only do you no longer have the title of Princess, but you’ve traded in your castle for a tiny cottage, and a crown for dirt-covered feet. Yet, you wouldn’t change it for the world… because for every painful burn and disgusting bug on you, is his smile, and that smile is worth more than any title.

-

A/N: Enjoyed seeing Fairy Tale!Sukuna? Just a reminder that if you haven’t read it yet, please feel free to read the story that these headcanons are based on!

[jjunieworld]

20. icarus ⸝ ˚⋆

↳ mostly written, some texts. word count: 8.6k (warning: there will be some suggestive acts in this chapter, but not smut.)

you and your friends were at the cafe figuring out your backup plan. the thought of your friends going through all this trouble just to make sure you had a good birthday really warmed your heart. you couldn’t have asked for better friends.

currently, your boyfriend wasn’t present for the plan, nor was the plan mentioned in the groupchat he was a part of. you suspected this was purposeful. ever since sakura announced she was throwing a birthday party for you, yeonjun has been more cautious than ever around soobin. in fact, all of your friends were. recent hangouts didn’t outright exclude him, but they made no effort to include him either. your heart broke at this. you didn’t want the people you love most to be part of two separate worlds.

yunjin brought a notebook along with her that she was writing the entire plan down. so far it filled almost two whole pages. yeonjun reached across the table and took it from her.

“so the main plan,” yeonjun said as he picked up the highlighter, “is that if we don’t go to the party, we go to the beach and do our usual birthday celebrations. and then after we have a big movie night at my apartment.” he highlighted the main plan as he spoke. the notebook honestly looked chaotic. there were little bullet point ideas written everywhere, some crossed out, some highlighted. ‘MAIN PLAN’ was written in big bold letters at the top of one of the pages along with ‘BACKUP PLAN’ written for the instance things go wrong.

“and here’s the main backup plans that we have in case something goes wrong,” yunjin continued. “for example, a change of clothes in case cake gets thrown on y/n along with makeup and hair supplies, our own bottle of alcohol in case the one there is spiked with something, and since we plan on walking home again since we’ll most likely be drunk, jackets.”

“oh and one of us will stay sober that way at least one of us is alert!” jake added. “i’ll stay sober,” kai said, “i’m too nervous about all of this to even think of drinking.” you gave him a side hug as you gave him a comforting smile.

a lot of the backup plan was excessive, a bunch of what ifs that all of you knew most likely weren’t ever gonna happen, such as the spiking of drinks, but it didn’t hurt to be prepared. you struggled to wrap your mind around the whole thing.

“won't people think we’re a little weird if we go in wearing bookbags and shit?” you asked. you didn’t think you could really leave the bags anywhere either without the fear of someone taking them. and you really didn’t want to have one of your friends sitting guard the whole night.

jake waved a hand, “we can stash them somewhere outside the house. everyone’s gonna be drunk, they aren’t even gonna notice.” you guess he was right. you took a deep breath. honestly, all of this is making you not want to even go. but you had to at least give it a chance. give soobin’s friends a chance.

“even if we did wear them inside, people already think we’re weird so who cares,” said yunjin. you all nodded at that.

“guys… we’re missing a key point…” you said. they all turned to you, puzzled looks on their face. you saw yeonjun’s eyes scan the notebook again. “what about soobin? where does he fit into all of this? even if we did just leave the party, what would i even say to him? does he come with us?”

at your last question, they all looked around the table. “damn… i kinda forgot about him,” you heard jake mutter under his breath.

yeonjun looked at you, “do you want him to join us?” you shrugged a little. “if you guys don’t want him there then i don’t want to make you uncomfortable.”

“it’s your birthday, y/n,” kai said. “it doesn’t matter if we don’t want him there. it matters if you do or not.” murmurs of agreement sounded off around the table.

you looked down to your hands, “i mean, i would like him there. he is my boyfriend. but still…” yunjin wrapped her arms around you. “then it’s settled!”

the new plan was that soobin really didn’t even need to know about the backup plan. again, it was just precautions that probably wouldn’t even happen. as for where he fits in with the main plan, if we decided to leave or not go at all, then you would just tell him to meet you at the beach instead. he joins in with the usual birthday celebrations and follows us back to yeonjun’s place.

“alright then!” yeonjun exclaimed as he closed the notebook. he stood and we all followed suit. “is everyone well versed with the plans?” we all nodded and yeonjun nodded in satisfaction.

“tomorrow is the party,” kai started, “which means that today will be spent with all of us choosing outfits.” he took your hands in his.

“especially the birthday girl! now, i already have the most amazing outfit picked out so unfortunately you will look second best on your birthday, but that’s okay! at least it’s still second!” you laughed as kai wrapped his arm around your shoulder.

“we gotta have you looking sexy!” yunjin squealed a little. “we want not only soobin all over you, but everyone else there too!”

you stopped in your tracks a little, “uh, i don’t know about—“

“you’re gonna look so good, the whole house is gonna want to get with you for a night!”

today was the day. it was your birthday, and you were another year older. the thought filled you with brief dread, but you tried not to focus on that.

your phone was blown up with a bunch of happy birthday messages and your heart couldn’t help but feel full. even though your friends posted embarrassing pictures of you on social media.

it was bright and early in the morning, and thankfully you didn’t have any classes today. your phone began to ring. you checked the caller id to see that it was your boyfriend, soobin.

“hello?” you answered.

“happy birthday, baby,” soobin replied.

a smile immediately broke out on your face. you held in the urge to giggle as you laid back down on your bed. “thank you! how did you even know i was awake?”

you heard him laugh through the phone. “i figured you wouldn’t be able to sleep that well.” he was right. you were tossing and turning all night. you looked to your side and were thankful that your roommate had basically moved out already.

“i wanna do something with you before the party,” soobin continued. “just you and i.” your smile widened and you nodded even though he couldn’t see it.

“okay! come over right now!”

it didn’t take long at all for soobin to get to your dorm room. it felt like he was honestly waiting at your door with how fast he arrived. he told you he was at taehyun’s dorm since he was helping him study for exams.

“he said happy birthday by the way,” soobin said, referring to taehyun. soobin was still in his pajamas too and he looked like he had just gotten up as well.

“tell him i said thank you!” you replied. “you look like you just woke up.” he laughed a little as he laid down on your bed.

“i’ve been basically up all night hammering these notes into my head.” he covered himself with your covers and closed his eyes. you sat on the edge of the bed next to him.

“don’t fall asleep, soobin! you said you were here for me!” you pouted a little. his arms sprang out from the covers and wrapped around you, pulling you down. you were now literally laying on top of him.

“there, that’s better,” he said. you started giggling, which was ultimately muffled by the covers. you turned your head to the side and stared at his profile. you were basically laying like a stick.

“this is very uncomfortable,” you smiled. his hands traveled down your body until he was at your legs. he moved them so that you were now straddling him. you sat up and looked down at him.

“this was your plan all along, wasn’t it?” you asked. it was like your words went in one ear and out the other as he just stared up at you. you felt his hands at your hips.

you snapped a finger in his face. “earth to soobin?”

he blinked a couple of times before a smile slowly spread on his face. “i’m sorry, but you cannot be looking down on me like this.” you rolled your eyes as you laid down on his chest.

“so what did you want to do?” you asked. you felt him shrug as his hands laid on your back, rubbing small circles on it. “i just wanted to be with you.”

“and sleep with me apparently,” you said as you looked at his closed eyes. they immediately flew open and he looked over at you. you sighed and rolled your eyes again. “sleep as in sleeping, not as in sex.”

he smirked a little and adjusted the two of you slightly so he could see you better. “i mean… it could be both if you want it to be.”

you didn’t even give him an answer, just laughed a little and turned your head to the other side.

he rolled you until you were laying beside him. “i’m content with just sleeping with you.” you intertwined your hand with his and you gazed at him. smiling, you gave him a soft kiss.

“i don’t think i’d be able to sleep right now even if i tried. but if you’re tired then be my guest, the plans don’t start until way later today.”

soobin pulled you close and put his chin on the top of your head. “mmm… if you’re not sleeping then i’m not either. i want as much time with you today that i can get.” you giggled at that.

a comfortable silence fell between the two of you. you were wide awake listening to soobin’s breathing and his heartbeat. you were sure that he fell asleep.

“i love you, soobin,” you said quietly, a small smile on your face. his hold on you tightened and you tensed a little. you were so sure he was asleep.

“i love you, y/n.”

you looked up and he moved his head so that your foreheads were touching. “you do?” you sheepishly asked. soobin chuckled.

“of course i do.”

he brought his lips to yours. it began soft, but with the heightened emotions and adrenaline running through both of your veins, it didn’t take long before it started to get heated.

you ran your hand through his hair to get it out of his face, lightly gripping the ends and causing his head to tilt back slightly. soobin broke away, about to say something, but you chased his lips hungrily.

he turned onto his back, taking you with him by the hips so you were straddling him again. the covers were tangled in between your bodies. your skin felt like it was on fire and your heart felt like it was gonna combust.

“y/n…” soobin said between kisses. you mumbled a reply, not bothering to take your lips off his. you put your hands flat on his chest and rocked your hips a little.

“y/n…” he said again, and pulled back slightly. you sat up a little, trying to catch your breath. “yeah?”

“are you sure about this?” he asked. “you know i was just kidding earlier. we don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do.”

you sat back fully. “i want to. i’m sure,” you replied. you went to lean in again but he stopped you.

“are you sure sure? i don’t want to make you uncomfortable. and if i hurt you in any way make sure you let me know and we can stop.”

you laughed at how worried he was. “i am one hundred percent completely sure i want to do this. i promise you.” you kissed him deeply again and he brought his hands to your hips and began guiding them. you softly moaned in satisfaction.

he then suddenly pulled away.

soobin smiled up at you. in one swift motion you were suddenly under him. you let out a small squeal at the sudden change. he smirked a little, put his lips to your ear, and in a low voice said, “happy birthday, baby.”

soobin then took off his shirt and brought his lips back down onto yours.

you were asleep across soobin’s chest when you were awoken by your phone absolutely blowing up. you checked the time and saw that it was around 5:30 in the afternoon now. the room was dark as the sun began to set.

the light of your phone blinded you as you got an incoming call. you squinted your eyes and began clicking around on the screen until it answered. you put the phone to your ear and let out a groggy “hello?”

“what the fuck!?” yelled yunjin’s voice. it was a facetime call and not a regular one. you quickly moved the phone away from your ear as it started ringing and angled it towards your face. you mumbled a response to yunjin.

“are you naked right now?” yunjin yelled even louder. this woke up soobin and he sat up next to you, sleepily looking at the phone.

“oh my god, so it wasn’t a prank,” yunjin gasped. the camera shook as she began to move and suddenly all your friends were on the screen. you groaned.

“this is so ridiculous,” you muttered.

“let’s hope she can walk well later tonight for this party,” jake said and the group laughed. you heard soobin laugh beside you and you pushed him away. it only caused him to laugh harder.

“goodbye!” you said as your cheeks heated. you didn’t listen to what they began to say as you ended the call. you ran a hand over your face and laid back, throwing the phone to your side.

soobin reached over and grabbed it. he began looking through all the notifications from your friends, laughing at some.

“i don’t think you want to open the group chat for a while…” soobin said, smiling as he looked over at you. you let out a loud and dramatic sigh. soobin laughed as he sat your phone back on the bedside table. he laid back down and pulled you to his chest.

“let’s just stay like this,” he then said.

you chuckled, “nice try. if we stay like this we’ll fall back asleep. and i need to take a shower.” you then tried to get up but his arms locked tighter around you.

“come on, stay in bed with me.” you laughed and shook your head. it was his turn to let out a loud and dramatic sigh as you sat up.

you watched as soobin’s eyes trailed down your body. gasping, you wrapped the blankets around you.

“how dare you look at me like way!” you say playfully. he smiled and sat up, placing kisses all over your cheeks.

“let’s go then!” soobin said as he swung his legs over the side of the bed. you looked at him, confused.

“go where…?”

“to shower, duh!” he replied. you let out a shocked laugh and shook your head.

“absolutely not!”

soobin turned to look back at you. “it’ll be faster, come on! don’t be shy! i literally just saw you naked.” the corner of his mouth tilted up and you pushed him a little.

“that’s different!”

“how?!”

you hesitated. you didn’t really know how it was different, but it just was! sex and showering together were two very different things! besides… the dorm showers were not the place to be showering together. granted, your dorm did luckily have its own bathroom.

“but the dorm—“

soobin swiftly cut you off. “exactly, not different at all. let’s go!” he tugged at your hand and you sighed as you got up, a small smile playing on your lips.

you and soobin met up with your friends around 8pm at yeonjun’s apartment. as soon as you stepped through the door, there were a loud chorus of cheers. your cheeks were immediately hot and you turned and buried your face in soobin’s jacket. you felt his chest vibrate as he laid a hand on the back of your head.

you turned and looked at them from over your shoulder. “i hate you guys so much.”

yunjin came up to you and took you from soobin’s arms. “someone’s glowing!” you rolled your eyes. you had a feeling that they were gonna come out of your head with how much you’ll probably be doing that today.

“steady now!” you heard jake say. you told him to fuck off.

yunjin took you away from the group, who were lounging at the table with some snacks, and took you into the bathroom. she locked the door behind her and turned back to you with the biggest smile on her face. “tell me everything!”

you hid your face in your hands, but began recalling the events. from soobin’s call, to him coming over, and to when she called. her hand was over her mouth hiding a wide grin.

“i’m surprised it was only one time!” she said after you were finished. you looked to the floor and said nothing. she gasped.

“twice?” you looked up to the ceiling, your lip between your teeth.

“no fucking way… three times?!” she practically yelled. you had to quickly smack a hand over her mouth. you were praying that the others didn’t hear.

you hid your face in your hands again as you sat on the edge of the tub.

“where??” her eyes were wide and she practically was shaking you for the answer.

“well the bed, obviously…” you started. “and the shower after… and in the car on the way here…” you muttered the second part. “damn!” yunjin said and then squealed. you wished you could sink down into the drain.

“i don’t know what’s gotten into me, i literally couldn’t keep my hands off him!” yunjin broke into a laugh.

“well, i know what’s gotten into you…” your mouth fell open and you smacked her arm. her laugh grew louder. “shut the fuck up! it’s not funny!”

you left the bathroom with yunjin, your hands covering your heated face as you went back to the living area

you heard murmurs grow and you quickly said, “if anyone else says something to me you will be dead in a ditch!” you then heard soobin’s laugh as he gently moved your hands away from your face.

“look at her cheeks!” kai said. you quickly shot him a fierce glare and he busted out laughing. you wrapped your arms around soobin and put your face into his shirt. “go to hell,” you said, muffled.

“let’s have her blow out her candles,” yeonjun announced, stifling a laugh.

you pulled away from soobin and ran your hands over your face before sighing dramatically.

yeonjun pulled out a cupcake from the box he had on the kitchen counter. he then pulled out a pack of numbered candles and put some on the cupcake. you sat at the table and yeonjun sat the cupcake in front of you and lit it. the others crowded around you as they began to sing happy birthday to you.

“make a wish!” jake said.

you thought it over for a moment. you had everything you could ever wish for right here in this room with you. what more could you ask for? then it occurred to you… you wish your life could be like this forever. surrounded by the people you love most in this world, and knowing they love you back just as much, if not more.

you barely got to blow out the candles before everyone began to cheer. soobin leaned down next to you.

“i love you, happy birthday.” he whispered in your ear and then gave you a kiss on the cheek.

hueningkai pulled you to your feet. “let’s sing!”

instead of going to a karaoke place, you and your friends found it much more fun to just put the songs on youtube and sing along in the comfort of your own spaces.

you moved to the couch as yeonjun set his tv up. yunjin snatched the remote from him and put on bubblegum bitch by marina and the diamonds.

yunjin handed you another remote and you stood up as she pressed play. she held the remote to her mouth as the song started playing. you’ve sung this song together so many times before that you each have your own designated parts.

i’ve got a figure like a pin-up, got a figure like a doll. don’t care if you think i’m dumb. i don’t care at all. candy bear, sweetie pie, i wanna be adored. i’m the girl you’d die for.

she took your hand as she spun around the living room. jake and kai moved the table out of the way so you’d have more space.

the rest of the group sat on the couch. you turned to them as your part came up.

i’ll chew you up and i’ll spit you out. cause that’s what young love is all about. so pull me closer…

you leaned down and took soobin lightly by the shirt. you then gave him a quick peck on the lips.

…and kiss me hard. i’m gonna pop your bubblegum heart!

you pulled away and went to yunjin and stood back to back as you both got ready to sing the next part together.

i’m miss sugar pink, liquor, liquor, lips. hit me with your sweet love, steal me with a kiss. i’m miss sugar pink, liquor, liquor, lips. i’m gonna be your bubblegum bitch.

you and yunjin then started the dance you rehearsed.

the others ‘ooh’ed and clapped a little. yunjin stood off to the side and began to walk to the center of the living room as she sang her next part. a finger in the air.

queentex, latex, i’m your wonder maid. life gave me some lemons, so i made some lemonade. soda pop, soda pop, baby, here i come. straight to number one.

you quickly ran up to her, a hopeful expression on your face.

oh, “dear diary”, i met a boy. he made my doll heart light up with joy!

you turned to soobin, making a heart in the air around his face. his cheeks turned red as he smiled and the other laughed.

you turned back to yunjin, trailing your finger down your cheek in lieu of tears.

oh, “dear diary”, we fell apart.

you didn’t even get to get your next part out as the rest of them sang along.

welcome to the life of electra heart!

you and yunjin continued the rest of the song. striking a pose at the end as your friends cheered. you looked at each other and shrugged nonchalantly.

“i know, i know, we’re amazing!” yunjin said as she playfully waved and threw out air kisses.

“we’ll see you next week!” you yelled.

that’s how the hours leading up to your birthday party at sakura’s unfolded. you each taking turns singing songs and doing duets. some were amazing, others were kai and jake singing a duet of wouldn’t change a thing from camp rock 2. you even got soobin to sing.

when it got to be about two hours until the party, you all decided to get ready. yeonjun kept banging on the bathroom door while you and yunjin were doing your makeup to let him in so he could check his reflection.

compared to your outfits from the last party of sakura’s you’ve attended, these outfits were much better. you looked like celebrities about to go on the red carpet.

yunjin made you get dressed in the bathroom so your outfit would be a surprise. as soon as the two of you walked back into the living area, it was so silent you could hear a pin drop. your friends’ and you boyfriend’s mouth hung open. yunjin just smiled and gave you a knowing look.

you all drove back to the dorms for the walk over to sakura’s. soobin was a little curious about the bags you were carrying, but yeonjun just chalked it up to various birthday stuff. you can tell that it confused your boyfriend a little, but he didn’t say anything else about it.

the crowd outside sakura’s house seemed even bigger than the crowd from last time. you were about to stand behind and wait your turn, but one of the security guards waved you and your friends up to him.

the security guard looked directly at soobin. “your friends, sir?”

soobin looked caught off guard for a moment before he said, “ah, yes…” he then pointed to you. “the birthday girl.”

realization showed through on the guard’s face and he opened the gate to let your group through.

the bags ended up getting discretely stuffed in some bushes close to the door. you hoped that you and your friends wouldn’t be too drunk to remember where they are if you needed them.

you kept a small little hand bag on you that mainly held your phone and headphones. your heart thumped in your chest as you grew closer and closer to the door. soobin took your hand and gave you a small comforting smile.

inside, the party was already in full swing. now that you were more familiar with the layout, it didn’t feel as overwhelming. you all circled around each other.

“do you guys wanna get drinks or do you just wanna to go straight upstairs?” soobin yelled to you all over the music. you all voted on drinks. after downing a couple, except for kai who decided to stay sober, you all made your way to the stairs and up to the fourth floor.

you once again bypassed another guard who stepped aside as he saw your group. sakura spotted you all and stood up from the circle of people surrounding her. she made her way over to you.

“y/n you look so lovely! happy birthday!” she air hugged you and then gave you two cheek air kisses. you smiled at her, “thank you so much, sakura!”

she led you all towards the empty couch that she must’ve saved for you and your friends. drinks immediately began getting served to you all.

“i have a cake for you, and then you’ll get your special surprise!” sakura smiled. you returned the smile. “but until they bring the cake out, drink up!”

sakura took a seat back in the center of the half circle of people. the music wasn’t as loud up here as it was on the other floors, so you could speak pretty comfortably. the fourth floor was also bigger, which helped.

you turned to your friends. yeonjun held up a finger from the hand that was holding the glass that was handed out. he took a sip from it and after a moment he nodded that it was good.

you tasted it yourself and was shocked that it was so sweet. it didn’t even taste like alcohol. you were already starting to feel a little tipsy from your other drinks. there was no doubt that this drink was gonna hit you a few minutes from now like a pound of bricks.

yunjin and kai went to where people were dancing and yeonjun and jake scoped out some escape routes. it was just you and soobin alone.

“you alright?” soobin asked. you looked over at him as you took another sip of your drink and nodded.

“yeah, i’m having a good time so far! i wonder what cake sakura got.” soobin stood. “let me see if i can go look, i’ll be right back.”

he pulled out his phone and shook it a little as if to say “text me if you need me.” you gave him a thumbs up as he made his way towards a hallway that led somewhere you couldn’t see.

you scanned your surroundings as you finished your drink. you gave a glance over at sakura to see that she was in her own world. the people around her were laughing at whatever she was telling them.

you decided that you wanted to dance. you began to sit down the glass you were holding on the table but a staff member appeared before you, taking it from you and handing you another. you jumped at their sudden appearance, but thanked them reluctantly.

this time you drank half of the glass and left the other half for later. the first one still hasn’t hit yet and you didn’t want to be so drunk again that you could barely walk. you took the glass with you as you made your way to where people were dancing to look for your friends.

“y/n!” you heard kai shout. you turned towards the direction of his voice and saw him and yunjin waving you over. a couple people told you happy birthday as you made your way over. your cheeks were slightly heated as you reached them.

“this place is like a whole different world,” yunjin said. you nodded in agreement. “i went to sit my other glass down and before i could someone was already putting another in my hand.” their eyebrows raised and shocked smiled appeared on their faces. they looked at each other in disbelief.

the three of you started to dance to the music, which was actually good. you felt a little silly for bringing your headphones now.

you felt hands snake around your waist and someone come up behind you. you quickly turned to see who it was, letting out a sigh of relief when it was just soobin.

you turned back around and continued dancing. he leaned down to your ear. “they wouldn’t let me in, but i did see a glimpse of it. all i saw was white.”

he took the glass from your hand and drank the remaining contents. you turned with a shocked look on your face. “i was gonna drink that!”

soobin looked you up and down with an eyebrow raised and just shook his head. he was laughing but you couldn’t hear it over the music. you realized that you were already starting to sway while trying to stand still. you swayed a little too much and he quickly steadied you.

you smiled up at him sheepishly. you could hear his laugh now as he bent down to press his forehead to yours. “i wasn’t even gone that long! how much did you drink?” you giggled. your brain was too foggy to recall. he shook his head a little as he kissed you.

at some point, yeonjun and jake joined the rest of you on the dance floor. you all danced for a while, got some more drinks—soobin didn’t let you have anymore of whatever was in those glasses—and made your way back to the couch.

you saw soobin’s friends, taehyun, beomgyu, and sunghoon, make their way over to where you all were sitting. they sat on the loveseat diagonal from you.

“happy birthday, y/n!” taehyun said as he sat. you smiled and thanked him. the other two mumbled a happy birthday and you thanked them too.

“so, who’s your friends?” taehyun asked. your eyebrows briefly shot up as you turned to your friends. you began introducing them one by one as you went down the line. yeonjun didn’t even look up at him.

after introducing your friends you said, “and this is taehyun, beomgyu, and sunghoon.” your friends said their hellos while beomgyu and sunghoon waved.

the whole exchange was very awkward. you glanced over to soobin. he put his hand on your back and subtly pulled you closer.

you saw sakura stand as a huge tv got rolled out to the center of the room, along with a table with a cake on it. the cake was in a fancy cake holder, so you couldn’t see what it looked like. someone handed sakura a microphone and she turned it on, giving it a small tap to confirm.

“hi everyone! as you know, this is y/n’s birthday party! can you make some noise for the birthday girl?!” she waved in your direction and suddenly a bright light shined on you, catching you off guard. you tried your best not to let it show as you smiled and waved. you heard the whole house go wild, especially your friends who were next to you.

“now it is time for her cake and her very special surprise! who’s ready?” sakura continued. you clapped a little and smiled for everyone who was watching you, but your heart was thundering in your chest. soobin’s hand moved from your back and gripped your waist.

you glanced over to your friends to see that they were all suddenly as alert as a hawk as the clapped and pretended to smile. their eyes scanned the room, especially the tv and table that got rolled out.

sakura walked over to you and were slightly thankful that the spotlight wasn’t completely on you anymore. even if it was sakura who was next to you. she held out a hand and you took it and stood.

“let’s have her blow out the candles!” sakura cheered. she began to guide you to the tv and table at the center of the room and you could see your friends and soobin following hot on your heels.

once you got to the table, sakura made everyone take a couple steps back so that you were the focus. you could tell this deeply troubled your friends, as they were as close as they could get. you were really nervous now that you might actually get a face full of cake and it would be displayed on the tv or something. suddenly it felt like all the alcohol left your body.

“let’s sing happy birthday on three!” sakura said and then began to count down. once she hit three, you could hear the whole house begin to sing. the microphone must’ve went to the lower floors too. you looked around as they sang, plastering a smile on your face. you were really searching for cameras. thankfully, you saw none, but that only put you at more unease.

“now time for the cake and surprise!” sakura then said. she came up next to you just as the tv switched on. you saw her switch the microphone off. “happy birthday,” she said and she gave you a smile as she grabbed the lid of the cake holder and took it off, handing it to a staff member nearby.

you looked down at the cake. it was completely white with two words in black lettering, ‘LOOK UP’. glancing over to sakura, her head was tilted slightly, a slight smirk on her lips. you did as the cake said and a video began playing.

whoever was taking the video was struggling to hold the camera up. you heard sakura’s voice from the video suddenly. “are you recording this? he’s so drunk, make sure you’re recording this so he can watch it back tomorrow.”

another voice started speaking, it sounded like beomgyu’s. “i’m recording! i’m recording! soobin…” he trailed off. you furrowed your brows.

what is this? and why are they mentioning soobin? your mind raced and you swayed a little. you looked back to him and your friends. soobin was being held back by beomgyu and sunghoon. he was looking at you with wide eyes of horror. your brows furrowed further, security was holding your friends back. you couldn’t hear them well over the video. everyone was now staring at you, some with smiles on their faces.

you turned back to the tv to see that soobin was now on the screen, clearly very drunk. your hands started to shake as your heart fell into your stomach.

—SOOBIN’S POV—

the color drained from soobin’s face as soon as the video started playing and he heard the familiar conversation play out for y/n to see. for everyone to see.

his body began to move towards her before two people harshly grabbed his arms and yanked him back.

“not so fast, pretty boy,” he heard sunghoon say near his ear.

soobin realized too late what this whole thing was. sakura knew, and she decided she wanted to kill two birds with one stone. and she wanted it to hurt. why else would she do this on y/n’s birthday of all days?

soobin pushed and pulled against the two people he thought were his friends, but to no avail. he stared at y/n in horror as the video continued.

when she looked back at him, clearly confused, he felt his heart get ripped out his chest. he could see that she was scared now. soobin, too late, also realized the fact that security was holding back her friends.

“get your fucking hands off of me!” he could hear yunjin shout, but it felt so far away.

he then heard sunghoon’s voice from the screen. “we bet that soobin couldn’t get with the most unpopular girl in school.” then he heard his own idiotic voice sound back at him like a grenade. “how much? how much? i’m not getting with some loser if i’m not getting paid for this shit.”

y/n put a shaky hand to her mouth. he watched through her body language as she began to realize what she was watching. she stood frozen in her spot in front of the cake.

soobin wanted to bang his head repeatedly off the ground. he wanted to rip his own voice box out so that he’d never be able to speak again.

he listened as he and his friends began throwing out numbers until landing on five hundred dollars. and him asking who he would be seducing.

“what’s that one girl’s name? yunjin… her friend?” beomgyu spoke.

no. this could no be happening right now.

“that’s where the real challenge is at! a month… to at least almost get to third base!”

soobin closed his eyes as his world came crashing down around him. “this will be easy. sunghoon, you better get my money ready!” he heard himself say.

sakura then tapped the microphone, causing him to open his eyes. sunghoon and beomgyu let go of him finally. she had a large wad of cash in her hand as she handed it to y/n. y/n turned to her, there were tears in her eyes that were threatening to spill. she didn’t take the money so sakura put it in her hands herself.

“five hundred dollars! don’t worry soobin,” sakura said, turning to him, “it’s all there. promise!”

soobin ran up to y/n. “please, y/n. please listen to me…” his voice cracked as he grabbed her arms which caused her to look up to him.

the money dropped from her hands and spread out all over the floor around them. the tears in y/n’s eyes fell. soobin felt himself crumble completely.

y/n opened her mouth, but no words came out. soobin could understand her perfectly clear. why?

“i… i gave you everything…” y/n managed to say, barely a whisper. she slipped from his arms and ran off towards the stairs.

the music then suddenly cut on as soobin stood there frozen, trying not to let his own tears fall.

“you thought you could have your cake and fucking eat it too?” he heard yunjin’s voice say as her hand landed hard on his cheek. his head flew to the side and he brought his hand up to touch his face. hands harshly grabbed him and turned him.

briefly, soobin saw jake and hueningkai running towards the stairs after y/n. yeonjun was stalking his way towards soobin after talking to them. the deadliest look was on his face.

he was brought back to the scene in front of him as yunjin got in his face. he couldn’t even process what she was saying, he was only thinking about y/n.

soobin will never forget the look in her eyes. the absolute hurt and betrayal in them. the way he watched as her heart broke into a million little pieces. he would do anything to be able explain it all to her. he would do anything to go back to earlier this morning. just the two of them, laying together in comfortable silence in her bed. to when she said she loves him. all of that, gone in an instant. maybe taehyun was right, he was icarus.

a fist connected with his face and he tumbled to the ground. soobin barely saw that it was yeonjun before he got on top of him and started landing punch after punch. soobin let him, he deserved it. he was so numb he didn’t even feel the pain.

yeonjun was pulled off him by security guards and soobin was hauled to his feet. he saw yeonjun shrug them off and wipe his bloodied knuckles on his clothes.

“if i ever see you again, you’re fucking dead.” yeonjun said before walking off with a furious yunjin.

sakura was then in front of him. “don’t say that i never helped you.”

you didn’t know where you were or where you were going. you swayed in the middle of the street as you drank from the bottle of whatever alcohol your friends brought to the party. the tears you shed were long dried the more you drank. it was pitch black outside, the only light guiding your way was from the streetlights every couple meters. you had your headphones on and turned up to the max volume. blue light by mitski was playing through them.

somebody kiss me, i’m going crazy. i’m walking round the house naked, silver in the night.

your phone kept blowing up so you put it on silent. you turned your location off too. you just wanted to be alone. just you and this lonely world.

when you ran, you grabbed the bag with the alcohol and cut through some bushes and then some yards. then went down some various streets and alleys. even if you wanted people to know where you were, you wouldn’t be able to even give them a hint.

a car pulled up beside you. you didn’t even bother to look over or stop walking. you didn’t care. you took another drink from the bottle.

are you that blue light? are you that blue light? are you that blue light? are you…?

the driver’s window rolled down. “y/n?” you couldn’t quite place the voice and you could barely hear them so you decided to look over and take one of your headphones out. taehyun looked at you, a worried expression on his face.

“leave me alone,” you replied. it came out a lot more slurred than you were expecting.

“you’re swaying violently and drinking straight from the bottle in the middle of the road. can you please get in the car?”

you shook your head and almost fell over. “no… you’ll just take me back to him.”

the car stopped and you heard the door open and footsteps run up to you. you kept walking.

“back to who? soobin? what happened in that house?”

you stopped and gave him a fierce glare. it took everything in you not to smash the bottle across his head for asking you such a stupid question. “don’t act like you don’t know what fucking happened. and don’t act like you weren’t in on this whole thing the entire fucking time.”

taehyun sighed and there was a long moment of silence as you got further and further down whatever street you were on.

“i promise you, i thought the bet was called off after you guys had your first date. i never knew it would get this far.”

you scoffed at him. you remembered what soobin told you about him, taehyun was the nicest out of all of them, but don’t underestimate his rudeness. ugh. even in your darkest moments you were still thinking about him.

“regardless, i can't just leave you out here alone, drunk, and walking in the middle of the road in the middle of the night. at least let me take you back to your dorm.”

you took another drink from the bottle. you knew at any given moment you will probably pass out from how drunk you are. taking a look around you, you let out a sigh. you really didn’t feel like standing your ground right now either.

you stopped walking and turned to taehyun. “fine, but i don’t want to go back to my dorm. everyone will be waiting for me there and i just want to be alone.” taehyun nodded.

“okay. you can stay at my dorm then. i’ll tell beomgyu i need it to myself for the night to study and i’ll stay somewhere else. you won’t need to worry about him in the morning either, he’ll most likely be passed out at sakura’s until late afternoon.”

you flinched a little at her name. you took a deep breath and shrugged. taehyun gently took the bottle and cap from you. it was a little over halfway gone. he screwed the cap back on and then threw your arm over his shoulders. you both made your way back to his car.

when you were safe in the passenger’s seat and driving down the road you turned to taehyun. “how did you even know where to find me?”

he glanced at you for a second before putting his eyes back on the road. “soobin called me freaking out. he said he overheard your friends saying how you disappeared and they couldn’t find you at all.” you heart dropped for a brief moment. you should probably tell your friends you’re not dead in a ditch somewhere.

“it was bad. he was crying. he begged me to come out here and look for you so i just started driving down random streets around sakura’s area.” you rolled your eyes.

you pulled your phone out of the small bag you still had with you, just now realizing that somewhere along your walk you lost the bag that had the alcohol bottle in it. you quickly texted in the group chat “not dead in a ditch somewhere. will meet you in my dorm in the morning if i’m awake by then.” or at least, that’s what you meant to type. you then completely shut your phone off and put it back in the bag along the headphones that were still in your ears.

taehyun reached the dorms and you stumbled out of the car, barely stopping yourself from face planting on the concrete. “woah, careful,” taehyun said as he guided you to the doors.

the trek to his room was a rough one, but you made it somehow. you went to his couch and immediately laid down, your head spinning.

“you can sleep in my bed if you want to, i don’t mind.” taehyun told you, but you just shook your head. there’s no way you were gonna be able to get back up.

“i’ll be in in the morning to leave you some ibuprofen.” you mumbled a response, already half asleep.

before you completely dozed off, you felt taehyun place a blanket over you.

—SOOBIN’S POV—

as soon as soobin saw taehyun’s name show up on his phone, he immediately picked up the call.

“well?” soobin asked, his voice was hoarse. he didn’t care. he was sitting outside by the dorms in his car in case he could catch a glimpse of y/n somewhere.

soobin was sick with worry. when he overheard jake say that they couldn’t find her, his mind immediately went to the worst possible option.

“i found her,” taehyun replied. soobin let out the biggest sigh of relief as he rested his head against the steering wheel. “where is she?”

“she said she doesn’t want to see you. but she’s sleeping right now.”

“taehyun just tell me where she fucking is.” soobin really didn’t have time for this. he needed to see for himself that she was okay. it was driving him crazy.

taehyun sighed on the line. “she’s sleeping on the couch in my dorm. but—“ soobin didn’t care for what else he had to say. he reversed into the dorm parking lot and got out, slamming his door shut behind him.

he sprinted to the doors and didn’t bother with the elevator as he ran up the stairs. he had too much pent up adrenaline to even be tired.

taehyun was waiting outside his door. soobin tried to walk past him and open the door but taehyun held a hand out to stop him. “is she in there?” soobin breathed.

taehyun shushed him. “she’s asleep! you shouldn’t even be here.” he said in a hushed tone. soobin waved him off. “i found her in the middle of the road swaying from side to side and drinking this straight from the bottle.” taehyun held up a rather large bottle of alcohol that was a little over half empty. soobin had to grip onto the edge of the door frame to steady himself.

“you fucked up, badly,” taehyun said as he slowly eased the door open for him.

soobin closed his eyes and leaned against the door as soon as he saw her peacefully asleep. he took careful steps further into the room. taehyun took him by the arm.

“you can stay, but you have until morning to be gone before she wakes up.” taehyun whispered. soobin just nodded, not taking his eyes off y/n. “and you look terrible, you need to go get those cuts checked out.”

when soobin looked in his rear view mirror after racing back to the dorms, he saw that he had the beginning of a black eye, a swollen and cut lip, and probably a broken nose. he couldn’t care less about himself right now. the wounds didn’t even hurt.

taehyun left soon after, locking the door behind him.

soobin knows that y/n doesn't want to see him right now. or clearly anybody right now. but he couldn’t bare to leave her alone, especially not tonight. he knows how much he fucked up. he said he wasn’t gonna break her heart again and he did. he wanted to rip his hair out. yunjin was right, he thought he could have his cake and eat it too.

he’ll give y/n however long she needed. he just desperately needed her to listen to what he has to say. just once. and if she decides that she never wants anything to do with him after, he’ll live with the consequences.

soobin rounded the table and quietly sat on it in front of y/n. he watched as her chest rose and fell from her breathing. before he could stop himself, his hand was already cupping her cheek, his thumb rubbing small circles into it. thankfully, she didn’t even stir. she must’ve been extremely drunk.

rounding the table again, soobin sat on the floor and laid his head in his arms on the table. he silently watched her. he was afraid that if he took his eyes off of her for even a second she would stop breathing or disappear.

soobin decided that he would stay up the rest of the night and however long he had with her in the morning to make sure nothing happened, not that he was going to get much sleep anyways.

masterlist.

summary: choi soobin has always been the popular kid surrounded by his popular friends. y/n… not so much. one night, soobin and his friends make bet that soobin can’t get y/n to date him in a month. unfortunately for y/n, they’re a hopeless romantic.

A/N: i am so sorry for this one… cause why i shed a tear and I’M the one who wrote it…

taglist: @imagineyour-kpopboy @gothgyuu @carengene @spooksh0wbabe (if your name is bold it wouldn’t let me tag you!)

— kipo <3

[moonsunlovers]

Just read through your "watch" posts. And despite thinking that it's too much of a coincidence, I still think applying Occam's Razor is best.

Harkening everything Jimin and Jungkook do or are surrounded by back to their relationship borders on insanity. They can exist without constantly thinking about each other even if they are in a relationship.

Sometimes, a tattoo of two letters doesn't have deeper meaning.

Sometimes, a clock just stops working without the wearer noticing [because most of us use the phone anyway].

Jikookers always jumping on these "oh that's a secret message about xyz" trains, makes me believe in Jikook less than highlighting actually proven gestures. It makes Jikookers more into Taekookers than any of us want by turning nothing into something.

Hello anon. Thank you for passing by my blog and share your thoughts. (They are talking about my two previous post about the watch that Jimin wore in his live on Jungkook’s birthday: the first one here and the second one here, in case you want to know what is this post about).

I agree with you, we don’t need to analyze everything they do. They can do things without having any intention or being a secret message. I agree, really, and if it had happened in any other date I wouldn’t have share this idea because probably I wouldn’t have found it relevant. But you know what? I’m here to have some fun, I’m here to share the things that I notice and my thoughts about it, not to demonstrate anything. Jikook had done it by themselves already.

And naming taekookers here, well, the difference is that if Jimin came live saying it was an accident and he forgot to set his watch to the correct time I would believe him in a heartbeat. If he were walking hand in hand with a girl openly I would stop shipping him with other person automatically. I’m not here trying to proof that Jungkook is a Christmas tree in a group photo just to convince everybody that they are in a relationship lol.

I already explain why in my opinion this coincidence is very unlikely to be just a coincidence given the date when it happened and the circumstances around it. I talked about this theory because it’s not that crazy. It’s not about trying to be the more delusional in the room. If there were an obvious explanation that would make sense I would embracing it, really. But Jimin does use the clock to watch the time (as I stated in my second post) and the watch was perfectly working in the live, so the obvious justifications are discarded. Even you said it yourself anon: “despite thinking is too much of a coincidence”.

But once again this is just a theory and it’s just my humble opinion. It’s completely fine if you believe in something else anon. With all the respect, if you prefer just a compilation of cute moments and talk about more tangible things then maybe this blog is not your place and you should expend your time somewhere else.

In this situation where we don’t have more information and both of us aren’t omitting data that proofs the contrary, both opinions are equal valid. It’s up to you. Once again I didn’t come here to convince anybody, I’m not sharing this on the army timeline for everybody to call us “crazy”, I’m not using it against any ship. I’m just here sharing my thoughts with my fellow jikookers to have some fun and learn new things about Jikook. Who knows, maybe in one of my rants somebody brings actual data that helps me to confirm or discard some of my ideas. I could be wrong. That’s the enjoyable part of all of this, I’m not presenting my theory as an universal truth, but a way to exchange facts and ideas, to learn something new or to confirm something that I already knew.

So yes, anon, I agree with you: making silly theories out of the blue just to proof something as others shippers do maybe is not the right thing to do and all of us know that we don’t need it, BUT discuss some ideas based on facts just to have some fun, trying to bring new points of view on the table and respecting the truth and data that we have is something that could be really enriching if you give it a chance. You would be surprise.

Until next time 🙋🏻‍♀️

[za-baransu]

LITTLE CHARACTER THINGS

just a fun little character game. fill in the below categories with 3-5 things that your character can be identified by. repost & tag away !

tagged by: stole it from another one of my blogs  ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) tagging: @holyfated | @huntiburon - @quirofiliac | @mortul | @pwophet - @zombiigrl | @fenixias - @tatarfora - @kenpxchi - @maskierd - @barzh - @destructivour - @cinghialefedele - @biskael​ - @lunarscaled​ - @despairforme​ - @semplicementerojuro​ - @baishouqijia​ - @hakuteiken​ - @ichigokurosaki​ [ and whoever wants to, just say i tagged you/hit me over the head with a tag leading here, this post is already long a f ]

EMOTIONS / FEELINGS:

001. alienation / isolation.

002. stoical / serious.

003. self-confident.

004. pride.

005. reverence / faith.

GREETINGS / LANGUAGE PATTERNS:

001. outsiders. it depends on who they are, but usually he will be polite, distanced and nuanced. will introduce himself completely and then proceed, within consideration of the surrounding and what they want from his Majesty. 

002. enemies / opposites. here he has the polite behaviour to introduce himself completely as well, but only if the person is actually worth the trouble, otherwise, he will not spare a single thought or more than a few remarks, more or less only regard them with provocations, with manipulations. 

003. comrades. he usually, if not for a very few exception, addresses comrades with their full name and, in specific cases, also with titles and reminders of hierarchy: specifically with Yhwach Bach. A few exceptions from the ‘rule’ when it comes to the full name would be ( as per my own development as well ): Bazz-B, Giselle/Gigi and Cang, but those are development specific for this blog. 

004. he does have a very accentuate speech pattern, and will not talk around a topic even if some would want that from him. he is blunt, no matter with who, even including His Majesty (Ch. 514: Yhwach: “Haschwalth. Why didn’t you tell me, if you realized?” - Jugram: “I knew that trying to stop you would be useless.”) and will speak his mind on any occasion given.

005. depending on who he is talking to, he will make to lecture them, to question their wisdom, pull out their flaws and make sure that they realise the error of their ways. what could be regarded as ‘friendly’ behaviour with his comrades, is nought else but a manipulation tactic and at times sheer cruelty, taking off a person’s fighting morale with a few words. (Ch. 496: Hidetomo: “Are you mocking the Gotei 13!? I’m telling you to stop!!” - Jugram: “Don’t you realize? You’re so scared that you’ve been talking about “stopping” me, and not “killing” me. But this war has already started.” & Ch. 551: Jugram to Nanao: “You shouldn’t have just created this technique. You should have perfected it so that everyone else could master it too. If you had done so, the other captains would have died in a fight instead of just being executed like this.”)

COLORS:

001. white, especially depending on his attire and general look

002. black, in small contrasting highlights, also he owns capes that are in deep black

003. green, very light in colour, as his eyes are a pale green.

004. accents of gold throughout his whole attire with the belt and sash being the most obvious.

005. red, for distinctive reasons.

SCENTS:

001. smoke, the way it would stay after a big fire, the way it would linger in someone’s clothes, in their hair, in the walls of their homes, impossible to get out. but it is fine, nearly a scent imperceptible if people aren’t really attentive.

002. the heavy metallic scent of blood. 

003. freshly fallen snow, due to Silbern always being coated by a thin layer of ice and snow. it kind of mixes naturally with the other ones.

004. the fine scent of tanned leather. 

005. petrichor.

CLOTHING:

001. the usual Vandenreich attire, a slight change to the Sternritter’s typical overcoat with additional accents in green and gold all over it. 

002. a long floorlength cloak with a hood and a mask he used when they invaded Soul Society for the first time and he confronted Yamamoto in the beginning of the war, albeit the mask is overall absent after this encounter and was only meant to be used in that instance.

003. he does however, besides his cloak own a signature deep black cape that is a stark contrast to the rest of his white attire and is, apparently, only owned by him and also seen later only on Uryu Ishida. 

004. private: he often wears normal dress shirts and dress pants, usually because they are fitted and have a soft material to them, due to higher quality. they are in lighter colours, not much different from his general outfit, but lack the heaviness and the officiality of his actual Sternritter outfit

005. as a child and teenager: practical clothing, easy to hunt in, in colours that would hide him from the ‘prey’ [ dark greens, browns ], usually, especially when he was a child, a bit too big for him, showing that he likely just took them from someone else [ i.e. his uncle ].

OBJECTS:

001. his broadsword as well as his Freundesschild

002. one of the Sternritter medaillons. he likely wouldn’t need nor really use it if not ordered to take a specific Captain’s bankai, but he has it with him sole for the fact that it is a part of the Sternritter attire. 

003. the button Bazz gave him when they were still children, he does have it on the hilt of his sword. 

004. as he does indulge in sketching and taking notes here and there; in private he can be found with even all he needs for that [ always a notebook and various drawing utensils ], mostly also taking notes depending on a hobby of his that has to do with studying old fighting styles [ japanese and european ]. he takes notes and makes sketches depending on that, but he’s actually rather skilled

005. for a pastime he would do with very few people and I would also say, in a timeline quite a bit before the events leading to the war, he would have different kinds of liqueurs in his quarters [ mostly all from over europe and in kind: brandy, gin, rum, vodka and whiskeys ], as well as a nice set of engraved glasses to go with it [ up to 4 ]. he would only drink in company and very rarely and mostly with the likes of Bazz, Cang and Quilge. 

VICES / BAD HABITS: 

001. mental sadism / cruelty. as simple as it may be, as I described above, Jugram is perfectly capable of taking a situation and turning it into a living nightmare for another person, pulling out the information as he needs it. lecturing them, bringing up distress, using everything in his way to make them fall apart and falter. it doesn’t even need to be physical [ even tho he truly does not shy away from that as well ], his intellect is enough to break near to everybody. and it also does not matter who it is, if he feels that it is needed, he will deliberatly and remorselessly go about his way, no matter if with friend or foe. 

002. a form of fanaticism. Yhwach is his God, the Vandenreich his religion, he will make sure that everybody follows it the same way as he does, going as far as to have it indoctrinated into everybody around that they are nothing else but sacrifices for his Majesty

003. wrath / ire. even tho rare, when it happens, it turns out to be [ nearly ] a problem for him, as his attention and mind can get clouded from the sheer force of this emotion. on the other hand, it makes it even worse to engage with him, as he is brutally powerful and having him on the brink or even beyond anger will make it nearly impossible to stand up against him in a fight

004. callousness. due to his upbringing, he is often shown with little to no concern to those around him, also with no real regard to what is happening once he steps onto the battlefield. if orders are given, they will be fulfilled, consequences [ specifically for those around him ] are to be damned. while he can show compassion for those in his closer care [ aka the Sternritter ] even they will need to live with the fact that he will appear detached and nearly as cold as the ice around them

005. arrogance / pride. he is fully aware of his potential. of his worth inside the organisation and moves as well as shows himself accordingly. his pride can be alarming and while he is not someone to boast, he still will outright say and confirm what the other person expects from him, easily to be read by outsiders as hubris (Ch. 547: Shunsui, talking about his new position of as the Captain Commander: “I just took up the post, so maybe you didn’t know yet. ...Or you did know and that’s why you came here?” - Jugram: “I did. I came here first for that that reason.”)

BODY LANGUAGE:

001. standing very straight, hands usually relaxed at his side, he doesn’t have anything to hide and his overall posture shows that.

002. near to no facial movement, except for very extreme situations (like being called back towards Silbern, Ch. 559 or his attempt to stop Bazz, Ch. 634), it is hard to bring him out of his nearly upsetting calm 

003. he does have, albeit, a tendency to fiddle with small things, like tracing the engravings in his sword hilt, or just placing his hand on the hilt in general to feel the structure there. it is incredibly minor and only those who know him on a very personal level will even realise it

004. crossing his legs while sitting, it never depends on who he is talking to, this is a very normal habit for him, due to being relaxed and knowing what he can do, albeit it’s just a leisurely gesture.

005. an addition that is not body language but, to his voice: he speaks particularly low and nearly too soft, it can be seen as gentle for some and as monotonous or disinterested for others, what pretty much depends on the situation and the people he is with. 

AESTHETICS:

001. minimalist. very simple and very clean, he usually likes to keep everything in order too, keeping it practical for him to use

002. architecture. as a stark opposite to minimalist, when it comes to architecture and his enjoyment of such, the more ornaments, the more intrigue around it, the better for him, as long as he can let his eyes wander and rest for a while, his interest will be piqued, he is particularly fond of european architecture around the 19th century [ see: Sagrada Familia ]

003. clean and aesthetically pleasing looks, but still with a bit more. he likes to watch people, even if he seems uninterested in their behaviours, likes to have his eyes follow something, maybe being a bit too scrutinising. it’s just a habit to read what is given to him. 

004. a good conversation. it doesn’t matter what it is about, it also, at times, doesn’t matter with who it is [ allies and enemies alike ], as long as he finds his mind suitably entertained, he is willing to engage. 

005. seasons. as much as the Vandenreich is not a Kingdom where the seasons would officially change, what with it being clad in a neverending winter, he finds the concept change of seasons appealing and interesting enough to ‘chase’ them, when he knows they happen and he has the time to do so. his favourite would be, aside from winter, autumn.

SONGS:

001. Ammunition - Krewella.

002. Play with Fire - Sam Tinnesz.

003. Petrichor - Koven.

004. Time is Running Out - Muse.

005. Revolution - Unsecret.

[hopefulgcf]

Anon ╰(*´︶`*)╯♡ asked: what was ur most challenging or exciting character to write (could be from any fandom/time)?

After doing some research (scrolling through my fics on AO3 LOL) the verdict is:  

For most challenging, I’d say the BTS hyung line. Out of them, Namjoon (since he shares a lot about his worldview and I relate a lot to his patterns of thinking, and in general I just find him fascinating) and Yoongi are probably the easiest for me. I’ve written every member of BTS a lot and most ships, whether as duos or poly, but the hyung line can be sooo difficult.

This is for a few reasons - first, I personally prefer fics in which the characters resemble their irl selves to some degree. There isn’t anything wrong with fics that are “more OOC” (and ofc this is very dependent on if a fic is canon compliant or an AU; in general I simply tend to enjoy fics more/feel more connected to them when the characters have some traits that are the same or similar to their irl ones) of course, and everyone has different preferences, but my preferences tend to translate to my writing! In general I think there can be a lot of pressure that comes with writing BTS. They’re super recognizable and there are soooo many incredible BTS fics already. So something that’s challenging to me in writing them is that I want to feel like I’m contributing something to the fandom and meeting my own standards for the characters that I want to portray, if that makes sense? The characterizations of the BTS hyung line are a bit elusive to me and I don’t think there’s any one reason why they in particular are more difficult to me, but even when I do pull it off it takes a little more effort. Especially with Seokjin!

Also, BTS have been a group for so long that they’ve grown and changed a lot as people in that time! Some of my fics that were probably “in character” in 2019 probably aren’t as applicable now/I would write them differently now, but I think that some of the beauty of fic lies in personal interpretation and that it captures media (or people in this case) as they were at a certain point in time. There’s soooo much BTS content and a lot that they have shared publicly throughout the years. It can definitely be intimidating to choose what to highlight in a fic, or what speaks to you as a writer/reader/fan. Taehyung, for example, used to come very easily to me (hence why I wrote a 160k fic in his POV!) but I think I would be intimidated by writing him now, even for a shorter one shot. I’m not saying it won’t happen - it definitely will! - but I know I’ll be binging a ton of BTS content to refresh myself on what I want to prioritize in terms of characterization, and also rereading my favorite fics and finding new ones to get a better feel for how I want to write him/them!

For most exciting… I don’t think one character in particular has been a standout as MOST exciting, although there are definitely characters and fics that I’ve been more excited to write, especially when a part of certain ships! Something that comes to mind is that, as discouraging as it is not to receive feedback on fics, I’ve almost always been more excited to write fics for a fandom or pairing that doesn’t have many yet! (Obvious disclaimer: I truly do write for myself and my own enjoyment and to make my friends happy; everything else is secondary and the kind words of commenters mean a lot to me, so I’m grateful for any and all feedback I receive, whether it be in the form of kudos or comments or even just hits!) Characters that are a part of some of the cross-group ships I’ve written (like soobkook, the one unhinged Hyeongseop/Yeonjun fic I wrote, and tempest members in general) are super exciting to me. [Smile or comment on the answer here](https://retrospring.net/@hopefulgcf/a/110073071735062750)

[ruinofchimera]

1. “The Death Eaters can’t all be pure-blood, there aren’t enough pure-blood wizards left. I expect most of them are half-bloods pretending to be pure. It’s only Muggle-borns they hate, they’d be quite happy to let you and Ron join up.” (HBP)

Hermione made a sharp observation, but she’s only grazed the surface. The truth is nastier than she’s letting on. Any proper tyranny knows how to force oppressed groups to participate in their own genocide. History’s full of it. For supremacists to involve those they deem inferior in their atrocities is not a new strategy. It typically arises from two motives: the insufficient number of aggressors (as mentioned in the quote) and the desire to enjoy the spectacle of oppressed groups being pitted against each other.

It’s not about inclusion but rather coerced recruitment, where the oppressed are armed and forced to fight against others like themselves, often under the threat of their own annihilation or carefully crafted propaganda.

Using someone as a recruit doesn’t mean they are exempt from the very oppression and violence inflicted upon their group. It doesn’t mean Snape and the other ‘mudblood’ recruits could navigate supremacy simply because they were recruited. No, they were bound by oppression all the same, wrapped up tight. The ideology feasts on them as much as on those they are forced to oppose – their own kind. The power dynamic remains the same: those coerced into fighting are still victims of the larger system of oppression. And if you think that recruitment means inclusion, well, I’d suggest digging into history a bit more.

2. “He’d play up the pure-blood side so he could get in with Lucius Malfoy and the rest of them. . . . He’s just like Voldemort. Pure-blood mother, Muggle father . . . ashamed of his parentage, trying to make himself feared using the Dark Arts.” (HBP)

Hermione suggests in the first quote that many Death Eaters are half-bloods pretending to be pure-bloods, and I’ve already addressed this. As I noted in a previous post, “Severus’s Muggle surname only highlights his deviation from pure magical lineage in the eyes of blood purists, even if he had wanted to hide it.” There are layers to this matter, but you want to keep it simple. Yes, someone can pretend to be a pure-blood—having a notable pure-blood surname, wealth, or being raised in a pure-blood environment could help. But how exactly could Severus play up his pure-blood side?

Harry thinks Snape was playing up his pure-blood side, putting on airs to fit in with the likes of Lucius Malfoy, as if Lucius and his kind wouldn’t see right through him. Potter refuse to accept that Snape was seen as useful instrument for the supremacists —nothing more. His knowledge, skills, intelligence in general had an extreme potential to be exploited. As for those who did manage to pretend to be pure-blood, the fact that they had to pretend says it all. Why would anyone bother pretending if the whole game was just about hating Muggle-borns? They should have been content with their blood status in that case, but somehow they were not.

3. “My whole family are blood traitors! That’s as bad as Muggle-borns to Death Eaters!” (HBP)

I’ve already covered why reducing the Weasley struggle with classism to an aspect of blood traitors persecution is wrong in another reblog. But what I’ve said and what I’ll say again is that you can’t just flatten this world into a one-size-fits-all oppression narrative.

4. “Muggle-borns like Hermione face the harshest treatment.”

I’m not interested in engaging in a “pissing contest” over who suffers more. My focus is on highlighting other forms of discrimination to show that wizarding society isn’t as one-dimensional as some fans suggest. If the narrative were that flat, it would significantly diminish the quality of the material. It’s unreasonable to believe that classism wouldn’t exist in a school filled with students from such varied backgrounds and social standings. This kind of oppression is a natural product of the setting.

5. “You’ll soon find out some wizarding families are much better than others, Potter. You don’t want to go making friends with the wrong sort. I can help you there.” (HSS)

Draco’s reference to “the wrong sort” clearly pointed at Ron Weasley, who is a pure-blood. He offered his hand to Harry, whose parents are as much blood traitors as the Weasleys. It’s absurd to think this speech could be about blood-traitor status. From the very first book, Draco Malfoy made it crystal clear: inequality among wizards isn’t solely about blood purity or blood treason.

6. “The Weasleys’ poverty is mocked, but they’re not in danger of being hunted down and killed for their bloodline in the same way that Muggle-borns are.”

Of course, poverty alone doesn’t make someone a target of bloodline persecution. Classism doesn’t involve being hunted down for your blood status—it’s about social standing. But if you meant that poverty can’t put someone’s life in danger, consider The Prank. Once someone becomes the target of oppression, it can easily escalate to murder.

Lily’s quick retort wasn’t a ‘hurtful, isolated reaction’ that was otherwise free of systemic prejudice and not indicative of anything deeper, it was emblematic of her classism. She threw his otherness in society right back at him after he did the same to her. You can argue this is no real issue, because Lily’s prejudices aren’t going to get anyone killed, but classism is part of their dynamic from the start. It’s why she’s comfortable scapegoating him for stealing Petunia’s letter, and why she doesn’t consider that he hasn’t got the luxury of antagonising people like Mulciber. Petunia didn’t emerge from the womb looking down on Spinner’s End, she learned it from the same parents who raised Lily. She’s never more Tuney’s sister than in that moment mocking his poverty.

* it’s also relevant I think to point out that JKR has said that many purebloods would also consider halfbloods like Snape a mudblood. Bellatrix certainly doesn’t consider him as one of her kind. He can’t pass as anything other than what he is - he has a muggle name and looks like his muggle father and he’s stuck sleeping in the house of pureblood supremacy. He’s, to use a very clumsy analogy, a mixed race kid who’s been abused by his POC father and has internalised self-hatred. It’s a bit more complicated than saying Snape has political privilege and Lily is the oppressed.

In my defense, I’m a paragon of laziness, which is what kept me from spoon-feeding why exactly Lily’s so-called knee-jerk reaction constitutes participation in systematic class pressure, much like Severus’s slur does. Actually, if I had decided to explain it, I couldn’t have put it better than you did. You nailed it. So while it’s not entirely necessary, I can’t help but offer a few more examples to back up your point.

Sugar-coating Lily’s behavior certainly shows that fans overlook the complexity of classism in the series. Discrimination in the wizarding world isn’t one-dimensional—it operates on multiple levels, with poverty acting as a form of ‘otherness’ that cuts across even pure-blood lines. Rowling actually depicts how deeply ingrained class prejudice is through Ron Weasley. Ron’s pure-blood status didn’t shield him from the bullying he faced due to his family’s poverty. Despite being part of one of the oldest wizarding families, Ron is belittled and looked down upon by wealthier pure-bloods, particularly Draco Malfoy. Classism in the wizarding world operates on a nuanced level, where even pure-blood characters like the Weasleys are subject to scorn from wealthier families. We see Ron systematically oppressed by this for seven books, yet some still believe blood status is the sole axis of discrimination in Wizarding society. Isn’t that curious?

Now, I want to expand on the concept of pure-blood supremacy, which is often simplified in this fandom. As I mentioned in my previous posts, Severus Snape is, in fact, a mudblood in the eyes of the pure-blood elite. The term ‘mudblood’ doesn’t just apply to Muggle-borns; it refers to anyone whose bloodline isn’t considered ‘pure,’ especially those with close Muggle relatives. Severus’s Muggle surname only highlights his deviation from pure magical lineage in the eyes of blood purists, even if he had wanted to hide it. His ‘tainted’ blood status made him just as much a target for discrimination among pure-blood elitists, complicating the idea that Snape had political privilege.

You’ve already covered this topic perfectly, so as promised, I’ve just thrown in some extra fuel to highlight your point.

[fearlessinger]

I’m suffering so y’all will have to suffer with me

There’s a lot to be said about how Apollo chooses to present himself in this scene.

To begin with, Jason is right: Apollo is trying to make himself look pitiable before his father. The form he’s taken here is absolutely meant to project "hey, I'm your child. Please don't hit me". Yes, of course Apollo would have known that wasn't gonna work, but ingrained instincts are hard to shake off. The fear that Jason sees in Apollo’s eyes here is the same fear that Apollo feels at the start of THO, when just the memory of Zeus thundering “your fault” has him on his knees,  begging for his life. It’s the same fear that Apollo will describe 2 books later as he recounts the first time he was confronted by Caligula, whom he explicitly likens to Zeus. There's nothing rational about Apollo's reaction there either, he's just scared out of his mind even though he knows, he keeps telling himself all throughout, that he has no reason to be, that he is the one with the power. All in vain.

But Apollo’s chosen appearance isn’t just a plea for mercy, it’s a show of submissiveness too. It’s Apollo recognizing his father’s seniority and absolute authority over him. It’s Apollo broadcasting "I am small. I am weak. I am bound to your judgement and command. I am most definitely not a threat.” Because to abusive parents, that’s what a child growing up represents. A threat. Adult children are seen and treated as full people with full rights by society in a way that actual children just aren’t. Adult children can make their own choices. Adult children can fight back. There’s a lot to be said about how and when and why certain gods choose to appear as children all through the series, particularly Apollo and Artemis, and one day I will write that meta, but for now let me just highlight that it’s the form of a child that Zeus will shove his son into as a punishment, and that the first time we see Apollo as an adult, fully grown man is at the very end of the series, after he finally shakes off the learned helplessness that kept him trapped his entire life.

Beyond all this though, it’s the CHB t-shirt that I want to focus on. Because it’s not a piece of Apollo’s standard attire (we never see him wear one before this moment, in fact) but it also very clearly isn't for Zeus’ benefit. There’s nothing to be gained for Apollo by making himself look like one of the demigods in his father’s eyes; Zeus does not look upon them particularly kindly even at the best of times. At most, Apollo could be hoping to disappear into the mass of CHB t-shirts gathered on top of the Acropolis. This is, indeed, the explanation Jason settles on, but I think in this case he is mistaken. For one there's like, 7 demigods total there, which seems entirely too few. Apollo would have more luck disappearing among the gods. But also, Apollo’s the guy who at the very beginning of THO already would instinctively put his own extremely mortal body between notorious powerhouse Percy Jackson and danger. No matter what he may say, he’d never actually hide behind the kids.

I don’t think the t-shirt is for the kids’ benefit either. Apollo goes to great lengths pre TOA, and still struggles for a good portion of TOA too, to never show solidarity, never present himself as an ally, never give the demigods the impression he’s on their side. It’s a promise he just does not believe he can afford to make for both his and their sake.

I think he’s wearing the t-shirt for himself. To remind himself of where his true loyalty, where his true priorities lie. To be closer to his children, or at least fool himself into believing he is. It’s a last ditch attempt at self comfort. Apollo knows this will end badly for him, and so he instinctively grasps for any kind of connection he can establish with his kids, the thing he treasures most in the world, the reason why he's gotten himself into this predicament in the first place. He holds tight onto it, onto them, one last time before the pain comes.

[antibioware]

Deltarune and Escapism

Alright now that my hands have finaly stopped trembling and my eyes aren’t burning anymore, time to write my two cents about the new chapter and the reveal that the mysterious “Knight” who has been opening the worlds is Kris themselves, while being free of their soul.

I’m not surprised that people automatically assumed that Kris is doing it because they’re “evil” or what the fuck ever, because even back in 2018, without any whatsoever no mercy route available or true hints beyond a 3 seconds cutscene, people were already giving Kris the Chara treatment.

My personal thoughts about why Kris keeps doing it is actually very simple: they’re using the Dark World as a mean to escape reality.

Kris doesn’t appear to be living a particular easy time in their life. Their brother just went to college, and both from their internet searches and from general talks around town, it’s very evident that Kris misses him fiercely.

On top of that, their parents divorce seems to have happened very recently and they’re stuck in the middle of it (with Asgore using them as a bridge to give Toriel flowers, for example) and their social life doesn’t seem to be  the best: Toriel is pleasantly surprised in Chapter 1 to discover Kris is spending time with a friend, and by many they’re considered a weirdo.

So what happens when a teen who doesn’t have the best life creates a parallel “pretend” world were they’re a hero and have friends who love them?

If Dark Fountains are caused by a Lightner stabbing the Earth with a knife, it’s not hard to imagine Kris, who apparently has a personal knife, doing it on either  accident or curiosity. Back at the beginning Chapter 1, when the door “changes” in front of Susie and Kris, their instinctive reaction outside of player control is to take a step back, which could easily mean that they were scared, but it could also mean that they could have caused whatever was going on inside and were scared of seeing what it was.

The fact that the Dark Worlds have been so far used as escapist fantasies is also proved by the fact that all the Lightners who have been under are also teens who are having a rough time in their everyday life:

Susie is someone who’s considered a violent bully, has no friends and she’s hinted so far as not having a great home life, between the way she reacts to getting her own room in Ralsei’s castle, as well as her reation to Toriel being nice to her and also her accepting to sleep over while only pretending to call back home to alert she was sleeping at a friend’s house.

Noelle allows people (Berdly) to push her around because she’s afraid of standing up for herself and make her own choices (this is also highlighted by the Snowgrave route), and back home she has only a too busy, too harsh mother, due to having an (apparently dead) absent sister and her father stuck in the hospital with an unknown illness.

Berdly made his own life harsher by pretending to be something he’s not and now he’s slowly being crushed under the weight of adult expectations for him, and due to that he ends up taking merit for stuff Noelle does and speaking over her, despite the fact that he seems to genuinely care for her.

All of which seem to thrive in the fun settings of the Dark World, despite being in a situation of danger and the ups and downs of the plot (this without considering the Snowgrave route). It’s exactly why in the end Ralsei has to intervene with the Legend in order to convince them to return to the world above, while they were dead set on creating new Dark Fountains.

Now, Kris may be possessed most of the time during their time in the Dark Worlds, but they still seem to appreciate the good they get from it. It’s Kris themselves, without player control, who moves to save Susie in Chapter 1 and tells Toriel they have made a new friend. It’s Kris who changes the verbal inflection of some of the dialogue options the player uses in order to let others know they’re either joking or insincere.

It’s also Kris who makes the decision, outside of player control, to create another Dark Fountain.

Escapism is one hell of a drug, after all. You can’t blame the kids for wanting to be somewhere they can be themselves without being judged, or even be with people that irl tend to avoid them, or where a loving character who vaguely resembles your missing older brother is. So they make more worlds, for better or worse, because it could easily be that a fantasy world were you’re manipulated in your actions seems better than your actual life.

I say for better or worse, because a thing that the Snowgrave route pointed out to me is that there’s some levels of player control that Kris can experience. While you can say there are actions in the regular game when Kris does things out of their free will, in the Snowgrave route there aren’t. There’s no bit in the game were Ralsei gets to speak alone with Kris while the player is occupied looking at Susie, you stop getting dialogue options and instead Kris turns silent. Noelle also says that the voice who was ordering her around wasn’t Kris’, but rather something else entirely, which means that Kris, when obliged to Do All That Nightmare Stuff, wasn’t in any way in control of themselves. It could be said that while Kris was manipulating Noelle into hurting others, the player was manipulating Kris into believing that hurting others is all fine too, because the Dark World isn’t real, after all. It’s natural to want to hurt others. It’s just a game.

In which case, of course, Kris still wanting to open up a new Dark World the moment they’re out of player control takes a MUCH darker meaning.

tl;dr Kris is creating the Dark Fountains for themselves to escape their current life, and it’s not because “they’re evil”, but to keep having adventures with friends OR because the level of player control they’re experiencing makes them believe being violent to others in the world under is justified and fun.

[getosubaru]

It’s such a long walk when you got somewhere to be; I just thought maybe you were gonna walk with me (chapter four)

story summary: MC decides all of the student council is going to therapy and hell hath no fury like a prepared human. They’ve got highlighters and they’re not afraid to use them.

chapter summary: MC is really going through it.

pairing: Lucifer/reader

rating: m

chapter wc: 3.3k

a/n: Please keep the theme of this story in mind before you read on. This may get uncomfortable, especially if you have any past history with trauma. In my opinion, no one would be fine and dandy after what MC experienced in season 1. There will be fluff and comedy in this story, but “angst with a HEA” means we have to suffer too.

warnings: angst & trauma; small text only for description; gn!reader; possible spoilers; not proofread/betaread; mental breakdowns

title taken from “therapy” by dresage & g smith

previous | series masterlist

An email to your professors gets you out of class for the day. Just a common cold, nothing serious, but you’re unfortunately too sick to get out of bed. Luckily, none of your professors are there when you turn your music up too loud and dance around the kitchen making breakfast. 

Your housemates took it with far less grace, complaining and whining when you texted the group chat and promptly fell back asleep. It might’ve been ignoring their follow-up texts that actually irritated them the most.

With the house to yourself for once, you take the opportunity to do a bit of selfcare. Laundry gets done, a face mask gets put on, and the show you’ve been binging gets turned on. The past few days have left you drained. 

More like the last year, really. The emotional labor you’ve put in is so much more than the average person could be expected to manage. It wasn’t just Lucifer that spawned your desire to shove everyone in counseling. And now, somehow, you’re still meant to pull weight. 

Stamping your feet and yelling about how unfair it all is wouldn’t be productive, but you’re about at your limit.

You haven’t had to go to every meeting. Mammon, the twins, and Satan seem to have managed just fine without you. Lucifer is scheduled today, as well as the rest of the Fantastic Three. None of them are likely to ask for handholding. 

Diavolo might, you suppose as you rinse your mask off. You text him the offer just in case and then smack yourself on the forehead for making more work for yourself when you’re already run down. This is why you’re in this situation in the first place. 

Your D.D.D. buzzes in your hand, cutting off your self-chastising. 

“MC?” 

You sit down on your bed and contemplate faking sickness. “Rissa, hi.”

“How are you doing?” she asks. “I ran into Beel in the library and he said you’re sick.” 

Damn him. Rat traitor tattling on you. 

“I’m okay. Just a cold, I think.” 

Rissa hums and you can almost hear the skeptical twist of her lips. It takes everything in your power not to spit out more lies. One of the biggest mistakes made when trying to deceive someone is talking more than you need to. You keep your mouth shut and wait for her to make the next move. 

She takes the bait. “I just wanted to check that you weren’t feeling too run down from attending sessions with your housemates. It can be stressful when you haven’t had training in separating yourself from others’ trauma.” 

“Yeah, well, it’s a bit late for that,” you say before you can stop yourself. 

“I’m always here to talk or listen if you need.” Her voice is calm, patient. “I noticed you’re not scheduled for an individual session.” 

You’re angry at her for her composure and politeness. You’re angry at the unspoken suggestion that you need to talk things out with her. As if you haven’t managed everything just fine for the last year. The death threats, the murder attempts, the one that succeeded. 

“I spoke with Solomon earlier,” continues Rissa as if you aren’t seething. “He said that sometimes pacts with high-ranking demons, especially avatars, can affect human moods if they aren’t careful about it.”

“Interesting.” 

She laughs; the sound irritates your ears. “That’s what I said! Apparently, there was a period where every time Asmo—“

“Rissa, I’m so sorry, but I really need to lay down. I think a migraine’s coming on,” you interrupt. 

“Of course. Just let me know if you need anything, okay? If you’re feeling up to it, I’ll see you tomorrow with Belphegor?” 

You confirm with her and manage a goodbye that doesn’t sound acidic. A dark, pissed-off thread still feels coiled around your throat. Your fingers fumble the touchscreen of your D.D.D. as you try to hit call, narrowly avoiding deleting his contact altogether. 

“Satan, get your ass home now.” 

The fourth-born paces the length of your room. He argued against bringing Solomon into it, though they are allegedly friends. His trust doesn’t stretch far enough to involve the sorcerer. 

“What time exactly did you say Rissa called you?” asks Satan.

“Half-past nine, according to the call log,” you reply without looking up from the book in your lap. “It hasn’t changed since the first time you asked.” 

“I was in the alchemy lab then.” If he keeps up his path, you might end up with an interesting groove worn into your floor. That would be treacherous to navigate in the morning. 

“You weren’t around Lucifer, your project was behaving, and your partner wasn’t in class,” you say, ticking off the points with your fingers. “Therefore, you had no reason to be mad.” 

The book he produced from the fire hazard he calls a room isn’t offering you anything you don’t know about pacts. It’s light on information regarding the avatars, which is a given considering how rare pacts with them are. Even Mammon only makes one or two a century—except for when he’s tricked by covens of witches, you suppose. 

As far as you’re aware, you are the only human to ever hold pacts with Lucifer, Satan, and Levi. No one has managed to fill out the bingo card with all seven.

You slam the book shut and toss it to the side. “Sit down before you make me dizzy.”

“I just don’t get why you would be experiencing this without reason,” he groans before, thankfully, sitting next to you on your bed. “Have you had feedback from any of the others?” 

You scan over the last week in your mind, looking for any emotions that felt off in the same way. It’s normal to get some echo from your pacts; while not as strong as the twins’ shared connection, you can sometimes feel the pact marks react to the avatars’ own sins. But never in a manner that made you question your own emotions. 

The heat under Lucifer’s pact mark at the meeting sticks out. That’s how the pacts should function theoretically. 

“No, not like this,” you say after a long moment. 

“It just doesn’t make sense.”

You stretch out to kick at his side. “Don’t get pissy. That’s the last damn thing we need.” 

Satan apologizes, taking deep and measured breaths. His control over his sin has always impressed you, though you know it was hard-won through centuries of work. Of all the brothers, he’s the one who’s always seemed the least affected by his nature. 

The “youngest” three move at the whims of their sins. Days will pass where the only reason you know Belphie is even alive is the gentle rise and fall of his chest. Poor Beel, constantly chastised and mocked, has described the hunger he feels like a clawing chasm ripping at his stomach. When you’re in so much pain all the time, you’d do anything to make it stop. 

You know less about Asmo’s experiences. Sometimes he’ll be gone for over a week, only to come back glowing with a radiance that could set the sun to shame. No one talks about where he’s been; the one time you asked, Satan told you some parties aren’t safe for humans and refused to elaborate. 

Levi and Mammon fare only a bit better in your opinion. Kleptomania and intense self-loathing are not traits usually associated with healthy stability. In Levi’s case, his envy nearly resulted in your death—over a book series. And if you’ve found Mammon rifling through your things for something to sell once, you’ve found him a hundred times. It took invoking his pact to get him to stop. 

For all his power and composure, Lucifer is the most affected. Does he even realize it? How much of that stubborn, arrogant assumption of omnipotence was there before he fell? He works himself into the ground to keep the illusion of perfection alive. The standards he sets for himself—for his brothers—are unrealistic at best. He demands flawlessness and has the audacity to be surprised when it always results in failure. 

Knowing his behavior stems from love and fear just makes your heart hurt all the more when you see the hollows under his eyes purple and his shoulders slump from exhaustion.

Satan has only lost control once around you. Well, twice, if you consider the scene of your murder. Before you approached them and announced you were alive, he nearly took Belphie’s head off with his own hands.

“Stop,” orders Satan suddenly. “What was that?” 

You shake your head to clear your thoughts and turn to him. “What?”

“Whatever you were just brooding about,” he says, reaching over to tap your pact mark. To your shock, it’s oven-hot on your skin.

Oh. Wait.

“We’re fucking stupid.” 

Satan reels back, glaring a bit at your words. His expression morphs into concern when you start to laugh. Full, loud guffaws heave out of your chest until you’re curled in on yourself and clutching your stomach. 

“MC?” 

“It’s—“ Your cheeks ache from how wide you’re smiling. “It’s not you.”

There is nothing funny about it and you can’t stop laughing. Satan looks more alarmed by the second.

“What are you talking about?” 

Your giggles take a desperate tone, while tears run down your face. Clasping a hand over your mouth, you start to sob. 

Satan calls your name but you’re no longer hearing him. It’s Belphie’s voice drawling the familiar syllables before snapping your neck. Levi screeches it with his claws drawn and Lotan at his back. Lucifer’s voice, low and musical, calls you beautiful before he threatens your life. A friendly chuckle from Diavolo wraps around your name as he informs you of your kidnapping—sorry, exchange program. 

Two arms wrap around you, bringing you back to the present. There’s shouting in the hallway but it’s muffled by the bulk of whoever is holding you. You inhale harshly, fisting your hands in thick, fine fabric. 

Leather and smoke. 

His hold is tight, firmer than should be comfortable. Your lungs should feel restricted, but the compression might be the only thing keeping your chest together. It’s everything else that hurts more anyway. He’s here and you can’t stop crying and you’re small—tiny and fragile compared to these giants you’ve been trying to prop up with weak, mortal hands.

Lucifer’s voice rumbles against you as he tells someone to get Simeon. The sounds of the others shut off with your door snapping closed. It’s just him kneeling on your bed with you clutched tight to his chest. The ridiculous buttons of his stupid uniform coat dig into your face but you can’t bring yourself to care. 

He murmurs nonsense into your ear, soothing and gentle words meant to calm, though the exact meanings are lost as you try to quiet down. It hurts. Your eyes ache, your face is swollen, and your ribs feel as if they’re about to snap with each gasping sob. 

Cool hands press against your face, dry until they meet the tears spilling down your cheeks. The shock of his bare skin on yours is enough to make you open your eyes. You can’t see much, smushed as you are, but the familiar black of his coat eases something in you. Lucifer always takes care of things, he can fix it, he looks out for those he considers his—your inclusion in that category has been made quite clear. 

Not long after Belphegor’s release, you and the eldest grew closer. The lengths you were willing to go to for his family meant everything to him. You were one of them. A space in the tapestry of the seven of them was reserved for you, weaving the family together when the threads seemed liable to fall apart. Lucifer preferred the metaphor of glue on shattered pottery, but that was a bit too pessimistic in your opinion. 

“Make a pact with me,” he said against your shoulder. 

You twisted away from the fire to look at him. “Demanding,” you teased. 

He smiled, soft and gentle. How brilliant red could look so warm was a mystery to you. Where you once saw hard rubies or the spill of blood there were only roses, delicate and blooming. 

“Yours, just as much as you are mine.”

He hadn’t lied, had he? Lucifer’s pact mark stands proud on the center of your chest, just below the dip of your collarbone. Glaringly conspicuous, of course, but it’s better than your forehead. 

Lucifer thumbs over the swirling lines just as he had when they first appeared. The visible, tangible proof of your connection is something he’s grown mildly obsessed over. Whenever you’re in arm’s reach in private, his fingers find their way there. It’s a familiar ritual you find comfort in and your harsh bawling subsides under the motion. He doesn’t let go after you calm down, just settles against your headboard with you in his lap. 

“You’re wearing your shoes in my bed,” you croak. The offended tone you intended gets lost with the rough state of your throat. 

He huffs a dark laugh. “I’ll keep that in mind for the next time you scare the hell out of me.” 

“How—“ You cough to clear your throat. His coat is soaked with your tears and snot already that one cough isn’t going to do any more damage.

“You threw us all into quite a panic. It was like a sudden tsunami.” He’s quiet and there’s a tremble at the edge of his voice. “I was walking to class and just went to my knees because my chest felt like it cracked open.” 

“Sorry,” you whisper.

Lucifer’s grip on you tightens for a moment before he pulls you back to look at your eyes. “No. Don’t do that right now.” 

There’s no escaping the intense vehemence of his stare. It tunnels into you with a fire that doesn’t hurt. The ferocity lingers even after you close your eyes. 

“I didn’t mean to worry everyone.”

He sighs, pressing a kiss to your forehead and tucking you back under his chin. “Simeon will be here soon. He’ll look you over and make sure there isn’t anything that needs healing.”

“Why Simeon?” His avoidance of his former brother isn’t exactly a secret.

“Celestial magic is more attuned to healing,” he says simply. “It’s just a precaution.” 

His tone leaves no room for argument, not that you intend to give him a fight on this. It will make him and the others feel better. And Simeon might be able to fix the headache you feel coming on. It’s Lucifer’s next demand that stirs rebellion in you.

“You’re sitting down with Rissa tomorrow. I’ve already gotten you excused from classes.”

“Lucif—“

Three light taps on your door keep you from giving him a piece of your mind. His savior appears in the form of a concerned Simeon. The angel slips in the room, batting away a ring-laden hand that tries to yank on the door frame. 

“Goodness, MC. You’ve got them all in a state,” says Simeon. 

Someone yelps behind the now-shut wooden door, confirming the chaos that waits in the rest of the house.

You scoot back from Lucifer’s chest and settle next to him on the bed. While there was nothing indecent in the way he was holding you, Simeon’s presence makes you feel a bit…guilty. Damn angels and their aura of purity, though you know your friend is nothing of the sort. What you learned in a round of “Never Have I Ever” at the castle has totally dissuaded you from the idea.

“Have to keep them on their toes.” You shrug with a levity you don’t feel. 

Simeon approaches your bed slowly, making every movement known. His caution probably has less to do with you than the demon sitting between you both. “May I?” He gestures at your head. 

You nod and wince, immediately regretting the action as your headache throbs. 

Lucifer tenses when Simeon reaches across him to lay one soft palm on your forehead. A pleasant warmth radiates from where he touches you, sliding over you like the sudden appearance of the sun on a dreary day. Your eyes drift shut and you sigh as the pain in your head and face recedes. The heat spreads down your neck to your knotted shoulders, uncoiling the tension in your muscles. Even the bruise on your hip from where you bounced off the kitchen counter vanishes. 

“Anything serious?” asks Lucifer.

You contemplate snapping at him for daring to interrupt your daze. The magic soothes the muscles in your calves and saps all of your irritation out of you. Simeon laughs quietly when you hum. 

“Only a human who needs to carry lighter bags on campus and get better shoes.”

“Definitely dire then.” Relief coats Lucifer’s voice.

Simeon’s magic retreats gradually, but an echo of the warmth remains. You blink a few times, feeling like you’ve just woken up. All of the swelling is gone, leaving no trace of your earlier breakdown behind. 

“Whoa,” you breathe. Is it too late to transfer to Purgatory Hall? 

Lucifer clears his throat to gain your attention back. He’s trying to hide a pout with his lips pressed together, but the pinch of his brows gives him away. “Better?” 

“I think he just fixed problems I didn’t even know I had,” you say, stretching your arms above your head and twisting them around. 

“Celestial healing magic can be a bit intrusive,” explains Simeon with a sheepish grin. “Sorry I didn’t warn you.” 

Before you can ask him to stay longer and tell you exactly what he just did (or ask him to stay forever), Lucifer rises from the bed and thanks Simeon for coming. The dismissal is clear and the angel just shoots you a smile. You shake your head at Lucifer’s antics. It would be annoying if you were capable of feeling annoyed right now. 

When Simeon’s gone, Lucifer turns to your gently swaying form. “Do you feel up to lunch with everyone?” 

“It’s probably best to get it over with,” you reply. “Especially since I think several governments would classify Simeon as a controlled substance.” 

“Remind me to tell him you said that,” he snorts. 

Five pairs of hands pat and poke at you when you emerge into the dining room with Lucifer close on your heels. Even Leviathan snags one of your pinkies with his. Asmo and Mammon are the most obviously worried, both near tears and trying to fit inside your skin. 

“Enough,” snaps Lucifer when Belphie drapes himself across your shoulders. “Either respect the concept of personal space or I will make you.” 

They all jump back at the venom in his voice, appearing properly scolded. Satan isn’t among their numbers. The fourth-born leans against the wall almost across the room from you. His rigid stance is only highlighted by his tail coiled closely around his leg. You step away from the others and peer at him with wide eyes.

“Hey, I’m okay.”

His eyes flash with the harsh green you’ve come to associate with him. He doesn’t move from his spot, arms crossed tightly across his chest. “Are you?”

Several hands try to pull you back from the rageful, shaking demon. They always doubt his control. 

“Stop,” you order with the full weight of the pacts. 

If you let them snatch you back and coddle you, he’ll never believe that you trust him again. 

Satan tilts his head as his brothers flinch back from you. He stays still, watching you cross the room to stand toe-to-toe with him. Instinct screams in protest—warning you from launching yourself at danger and wrapping your arms around him. Logically, he should be the biggest threat in the house to you. 

But Wrath embodied hugs you back and tears drip onto your neck.

taglist: @inb4belphienaps @bunnaccino @simeonsaysobeyme @abberant-butler @velaris-citizen-in-devildom @stormberrie @silentlyunlucky @ice-icebaby @jadedrogue3​

a/n: if you want to be added to the taglist, shoot me an ask! (and if you want to be removed don't feel bad just let me know)

[sebastianshaw]

Ok so points in this conversation as it carried on: - Tessa’s not just any rando employee, she’s a unique and valuable asset and he’s always shown to treat her as such. He may not see her as a person but that actually, imo, entails treating her with more value. We never see him even get mad or speak harshly to her to my memory. Which is....not a privilege that others in his employ got if they fucked up. But then, she never fucked up. This is is also why I don’t see him as abusing her in any sense; he wouldn’t risk damaging a tool by treating it like a toy. - As I’ve noted many times before, Claremont LOVES nasty rapey gross villains. If he meant Shaw to be like that, WE’D KNOW WE WOULDN’T BE ABLE TO STOP KNOWING. Shaw’s just an awful dude with an active sex life but the two aren’t connected and tbh I like that? I like that he can be evil and sexual but it doesn’t have to be sexually evil there’s enough kink shaming and sex shaming in Marvel with how evil is always sexy and has fetish outfits. Not every villain needs to be a creep/rapist on top of everything else if they’re already evil enough and I love that he isn’t since you’d think he would be because Claremont but no. - I mean he does have boundary issues with men I’LL GIVE THAT but it’s less a noncon thing and more his clear inability to deal with most men in a positive way, growing up in the 50s in a highly masculinized environment, etc. Like I’ve noted before, no matter how modern writers try to spin him as a misogynist, Shaw’s actually always been way more respectful to women than to other men. He even judges men he LIKES by really harsh standards, like thinking of Harry as “less than a man” because he was scared for his life during a Sentinel attack. And you can see that shit with actual dudes and tbh I think it’s a lot more interesting than generic “sexist rapist” shit. It’s such a perfect “I’m an emotionally repressed cis dude and I can only relate to my fellow man THROUGH WRESTLING” is such a common thing and I don’t think it was even authorially intended but it works SO WELL for his personality and background and I wish THAT was what was talked about more instead of shit that, while worth talking about, is already spotlighted plenty in media, you know? - Also really love the OG version of him actually being really good to his romantic partners while still abusive to Shinobi, instead of just abusive to everyone. Because that's a huge MYTH about abusers, that they're abusive to EVERYONE. That's actually typically NOT the case, and they're usually just abusive in one very specific dynamic. Plus it's more interesting/unexpected, and, as I've said, makes sense to me, as Shaw can choose his romantic partners, he CAN'T choose his children. And I think it adds an extra layer of complexity and humanity to him, that for all his shittiness he is still a good romantic partner (if emotionally clueless) like why take that away and make him LESS complex and MORE cliche? Especially since in the Krakoa era it seems like all the other baddies get to develop and become more complex and human while he does backwards and ngl I get jealous and bitter - And in contrasting his evil with this human aspect, it doesn't take away from that evil, but highlights his cruelty further by showing that he is capable of better but chooses not to be. That’s why I really love his og backstory with Sage saying he was noble, with Lourdes fearing he’d be corrupted by the HFC (meaning he didn’t start as corrupted), etc. Someone starting out as good or at least decent and then falling into evil through his own choices and continuing those choices is way worse than someone who just can’t help it that was one of my fave moments in the Legacy Quest books, where we get a moment where Shaw does ponder if he’s taken the right path and should continue to do what he’s been doing, and he does choose further villainy I LOVE that he COULD be better but his greed matters more to him. I think he’s emotionally stupid and canonically has trouble with theory of mind, but it’s still his own choices that make him evil and HE’S CONSCIOUS OF THOSE CHOICES and that works both as (1) keeping him evil and in a way worse than many others who can’t help it and (2) really works well for his self-made man theme. He’s a self-made man AND a self-made villain. Nothing sculpted him to villainy, nothing drove him there, he CHOSE to just be AWFUL and to CONTINUE to be awful every step of the way. I love that And I don’t want him to change, I want to watch him FUCK HIMSELF OVER BC HE CHOSE THIS AND ISN’T THAT A SHAME - Shaw’s such a good baddy when used correctly, practically and thematically he’s SO GREAT as like this warning of what the heroes could be if they selled out and just lived for themselves and said fuck it to other mutants, of the exploitation of passing privilege and the dangers of “well I got mine” and rejecting group solidarity, etc. Like he's SO GOOD for X-stories in particular if they just came back to this like how he was in the 80s. Making him just mutant Epstein is boring af. LIKE CLAREMONT GOT IT RIGHT THE FIRST TIME WITH HIM god I love when he called the cops on the X_Men both bc it’s funny and like, all the meta symbolism there, and like him being a mutant himself and knowing the X-Men will be the automatic baddies and relying on that! brilliant! - Has anyone else kinda noticed that Marvel tends to cast self-made wealthy people as evil and born-rich as good though? I'm sure there's exceptions all over the place but it's cropped up in what I read. Like I don't even read Avengers and Iron Man but when I checked out a few issues I almost immediately found two self-made wealthy villains (Mordecai Midus and Imus Champion) and while Tony does work, he was born rich too. And all the rich X-Men I'm aware of---Xavier, Emma, Berto, Warren, Monet---are born wealthy (like, Emma did earn her own fortune too, but she was also born wealthy, it's complicated) IDK like I said I feel like there's a ton of exceptions but I can't help noticing it.

Also had a great conversation with a friend this morning that I need to convert into a meta post at some point

Like it’s nothing longtime mutuals don’t know about Shaw but not everyone is a longtime mutual!

[snifflesthemouse]

Harry’s the Problem. His wife is the symptom. He is the real Diana 2.0 Wannabe...

         Since the Oprah interview aired, my whole perspective regarding the spare and his spouse has shifted. It would seem that I’m not alone in my thought process as more and more media outlets start reporting similar stances. Just recently, there was an article suggesting Harry didn’t change; but rather, he is only finally revealing his true self. The more I think about it all, the more I’ve come to the realization #6 is the real culprit behind everything.

         I’m not saying that his wife doesn’t have her own agenda or shares responsibility for her part in all this. Her hands are far from clean. What I am saying is it’s finally time for all of us to consider the cold, hard truth. Harry is his mother’s child. Harry is the bad egg, and his wife is only a side effect of the real problem here.

         Had it not been for the Oprah interview, I would have never put it all together. The problem with oversharing is too much information gets put out in the public. Most assume PR firms would worry about oversaturation in the press, but the real problem comes from personal interviews they cannot control in real-time. Puff pieces can be edited before publishing so facts and statements align; live interviews cannot. Over time, one of two patterns form from this oversaturation. Consistencies, repetitions, and similarities can be found in oversaturated truth-telling. Inconsistencies, changes, and huge differences result from those like Harry who prefer their trousers scorching hot from bursting into flames from deception. When you consistently lie, the only constant is the inconsistencies. 

         Now, those of us who have been following these two already know by now inconsistencies and changing stories should be expected. But the Oprah interview really highlighted some interesting things I had previously missed. The interview with Dax Shephard only solidifies my theories. Up until lately, those two have been together through most everything. Very seldom have we seen Harry alone in an interview or speech. There’s never a time where the missus isn’t popping up. James Corden proved that. Then we have the Oprah interview where she was supposed to be the star of the show. But, that was the moment it all changed. That interview was the moment she became the understudy. 

          Think about it. Who is the one being used in the media lately? Most people would suggest that the impending delivery of child number dos is why the missus is absent. One would then argue the Apple + special with Oprah started production well before the second child was a topic for discussion. The missus is being used less and less on camera or in the media. Everything is all about Harry. Forget about when Harry met Sally; Harry Met Hollywood! 

         Harry is the one doing the interviews, dropping projects, and talking with big Hollywood names. Even their announced Netflix projects are focused on one of Harry’s pre-married concepts. All the wife has going for her is a book that’s only number one in the “Books written by ex-Royals who couldn’t hack it” category. Seriously though, as of this posting the Bench is #2130 on the Amazon Books list, #12 in Children’s Black and African American Story Books, #73 in Children’s Emotions Books, and #167 in Children’s Family Life Books. Being pregnant isn’t a disqualifier for being interviewed. But, apparently being just the wife is.

         So, if it was his wife’s plan from the beginning to marry Harry, get him to abandon his family, move to California, and become a big star with a Prince for a husband, her plans have been ruined. And if you think about what she said in the interview with Oprah, you can actually see the moments she told us all exactly that. She clearly tells Oprah Harry was her direct link and source to the Royal Family and everything she needed to know. She didn’t misspeak or misunderstand a thing; she was telling us that Harry’s next to be markled. In every weird answer or revelation where she gave her versions for why their child(ren) were without title, saying they wed three days before the chapel, or having to cry out to HR since Harry failed to help her while she was so depressed she wanted to kill herself and her unborn child... all of it. It was all just the beginning. It may seem like she is attacking her husband’s family, but Harry’s the real target now.

          In just a couple sentences, she managed to reveal who Harry really was. Harry, of all people, should (and does) know how to navigate the press. Clearly, he failed to not only help her acclimate to Royal life, but it could also even be argued he set her up for failure for the get go. Let me give you an example. When my husband introduced me to his family for the first time, he told me little tidbits of information he found important for me to know. He essentially prepped me for the meeting so things went well. He wanted his family to like me because he loved me. I wanted them to like me because I loved him, too. So, I took to heart everything he told me. Yet, Harry’s wife shared with the world how little Harry cared about that. She credits Fergie with teaching her to curtsey, google for teaching her the National Anthem, and even said Her Majesty made her feel especially welcomed. So how did Harry not do more? If they started seeing one another in the early Summer of 2016, how is it Harry failed to teach or explain anything to her prior to meeting his grandmother, the Queen, when he had months and months of time to do so? How is it he failed his wife so miserably, she didn’t even understand basic UK custom, laws, or protocols? Why might you ask?

         Simply put, Harry is so much like his mother, all he knows is how to play the victim narrative while using the link to the Royal family as a nonstop ATM machine. Many people aren’t honest with themselves when it comes to Diana. She wasn’t the Mother Theresa everyone makes her out to be. Mother Theresa wasn’t a Mother Theresa either, though. Did Diana do some great things? Absolutely. Did she do them only because they were nice or great? Absolutely… not. Diana’s PR team would even have her switch up her charity causes whenever they felt it was getting to martyrdom level. They’d refer to her PR stunts as flavors. Does that sound like an innocent woman?

         Not to me. This whole time we all have seen his wife as the root of all issues, but she’s the side effect. It’s becoming more clear by the day that Harry searched out her. He wanted someone with the basic Hollywood connections that he could capitalize. Someone that seemed so controlling and ambitious it would be easy to believe they were controlling him, too. Of course he knew she would invite all the celebs she did. He probably inspired that guest list. Instead of guiding her in the press and in British society, he leads her to slaughter. He hides behind her repeated gaffes and wokeness to keep on his own mission.

         You see, Harry is obsessed with his brother eventually becoming king, being the “Second Son of Diana” and being the misfit. He is obsessed with his brother and father. They are all he talks about. When you obsess on something like that, it is more revealing than anything you say. Harry’s true motives aren’t protecting his wife and children. His real motive is making a name for himself like his mother did. If he can manage to get some revenge by making the Firm feel some backlash, hey that’s a bonus. 

         While his wife may think in her mind she will be the next Diana 2.0, the truth is we all missed who really will be. Harry is the one wanting to be Diana 2.0. If that’s the case, then that means the much older spouse for whom there are two children with, aka the wife, would be his Charles. Remember, Diana lost her HRH and titles. And we have Harry being very aggressive and pushy, to the point it seems he is trying to get ahead of a Palace announcement of them losing their titles. But it makes sense now.

         They aren’t trying to lose anything, but instead Harry keeps opening his mouth to create pressure in the media. He knows his wife does not want to give those titles back. But if he himself keeps saying outrageous things, then it would put everyone in ultimatum mode. Either Harry will push hard enough that Parliament and the Queen will have enough, or the press will get so critical of the two, Harry will push his wife to agree to returning the titles.

         Harry is following the Diana business model. While in the Royal Family, they both were seen as rock stars who had more star power the the Sovereign, which was an issue. Then, they couldn’t take all the abuse, coldness, and inhumanity, so they bolted for freedom. Instead of putting the past behind them, they use the past to monetize grief and trauma in such a way, they become their own brand. Right now, the trauma being monetized comes from the past, but the problem will soon come when that trauma is tapped out. He will need a source of new pain or victimhood. Enters the wife stage left.

          The wife is a tool. She of course has her own plans and thinks she is the one in control or the genius. She thinks she is the one everyone wants to work with. But it’s becoming clear to her that isn’t the case and she’s been played by her elite buddies. They all want him, not her. They all duped her for him. If I can see it, and I can see her already finger pointing that Harry is the failure here, then she can see it. And that means paradise will soon be lost in those Montecito hills. His wife won’t go down without a serious fight here. I wouldn’t even be surprised if she eventually causes him to lose his special visa. 

         Overall, Harry hides behind his wife like a beard or shield protecting him from the press’s glaring lens. He lets her do and say whatever she thinks is great so he can keep plotting his own plans. He allows her to take the fall, look stupid, pull stunts people can see through, etc. for a reason. He isn’t completely sure he can make it in his new California life. He knows he can’t if he keeps her for too long, but he also knows he needs an exit strategy in case it blows up. So, he pins the press to attack her as the true culprit. If they split and he has to, he can return home and play the victim of her. If they split and he is doing okay in Hollywood, she can be the reason he plays victim to big named people like Oprah and Gayle. 

         I can see it now. An Oprah Special with Harry tonight on Apple +. Something cheesy or corny that is almost plagiarism. Like Narcissus and the Prince or something. Watch. Mark my words. Oprah talking to Harry about surviving the marriage while trying to rescue two small kids, being in the spotlight as a Royal while being gaslit by a narcissistic wife… yes I can see the green screen set up now.

         I know this is difficult to digest, but I do ask you to try. While his wife is not innocent, she clearly is guilty for her own part indeed, his wife isn’t the true problem. The true problem here is a man who has a serious issue with living in the shadow of his future-King father and future-King brother, and his future-King nephew, that he has chosen to use the same exact attack model his own mother used to merch and marginally disrupt the institution that made her a star. Harry and his mother both wanted the entire spotlight, but both knew they could never have it the way they wanted it. So, they wrote their own victimhood narrative.

         And here we are now. Mark my words. Harry will keep pushing until those remaining titles are removed by them forcing the hands of Parliament and the Queen. Or, they’ll push and push in the press so much the outrage and hypocrisy will leave them no other option but to renounce and re-gift those titles and rights to the line of succession. That is what he wants, even if his missus doesn’t. Also make no mistake about it. Harry is the real Diana 2.0 wannabe, not his wife. Keep an eye out. I have this gnawing feeling that soon enough, there will be plenty leaks from the wife about the husband. She won’t go quietly into the Beverly Hills… but neither will he.

[nicnacsnonsense]

See I’ve seen that, and I definitely agree it’s a factor here — it’s certainly much less jarring to see Buffy called “the slayer” in the prose when in Spike’s POV versus, say Willow, because Spike does in fact call Buffy “Slayer” not infrequently while Willow basically never does.

So yes, using an epithet that the POV character ( really the narrator, though that’s usually the POV character in most fanfic) will typically use to refer to the other character is an acceptable way to use them, but you still have to be intentional about it. You can’t just switch back and forth between the epithet and name in order to avoid using one or the other too much; you want to use them in a way that’s reflective of how the character would. Spike calls her Buffy or Slayer at different times depending on what’s going on and his mood and the current status of their relationship, and the use of one or the other in the narration should reflect that.

That’s one aspect, however, I do not think that’s the only or even necessarily the main problem here. The thing about using an epithet is that you are drawing attention to whatever aspect of the character it is you’re referring to. When I say Buffy, that just evokes her character as a whole. When I say “the green-eyed blonde” I’m drawing your attention to those specific aspects of her character; I’m telling you the fact that she has blonde hair and green eyes is important. And those things are important in some contexts, but it’s odd to be highlighting them while she and Willow are talking about their Psych homework or whatever.

The reverse of the above then means that it is appropriate to use an epithet when doing so draws the reader’s attention to something important or otherwise helps inform them about what is going on with the characters.

Consider the example sentence (from Buffy’s POV): “Buffy was having a crisis and Willow didn’t even care.” This is a perfectly serviceable sentence; it gets across the main point that Buffy is upset that Willow is not sufficiently sympathetic about whatever problem Buffy is currently having.

Now imagine we replace Willow’s name with an epithet, specifically: “Buffy was having a crisis and the red-haired witch didn’t even care.” This sounds odd. Buffy does not go around referring to Willow as “the red-haired witch” and the facts that Willow has red hair and is a witch don’t really have anything to do with the problem at hand (unless it’s a really weird crisis Buffy is having, I suppose). The use of the epithet here is distracting and creates distance between the reader and what’s going on with Buffy.

But let’s try it again with a different epithet. “Buffy was having a crisis and her best friend didn’t even care.” In this case the epithet works way better, better than using Willow’s name even. Using “her best friend” emphasizes the Buffy is upset and why; of course you would expect someone’s best friend to be sympathetic to their problems, so it is going to be upsetting when they aren’t. And yeah, the average reader probably already knows that these two are best friends, this is not new information, but the writer here is just drawing your attention to it, making sure it’s top of mind in this moment.

So broadly we’re seeing here that it can be appropriate to refer to a character by the relationship they share with the POV character, if that relationship is particularly relevant/important in the current moment. (Though even then it’s best to do so sparingly unless it’s also something that the character regularly uses to refer to the other character, eg Buffy using mom to refer to Joyce.)

But it’s not just character relationships. For another example, let’s imagine we’re in Xander’s POV and he’s upset, then we get this sentence: “Buffy started dancing with Angel.” This is a completely neutral sentence on its own. Coupled with what we know about Xander in general and the information that he is upset right now, we can reasonably infer that he’s currently feeling jealous that Buffy is dancing with Angel and not him.

I’ll skip the bad epithet, eg “the tall brunet” because I think I’ve explained that one enough, and go straight to a good example. “Buffy started dancing with the brooding leather-clad hunk.” Okay, so this tells us that Xander is both jealous and insecure. The three words Xander is using here to describe Angel are all ones that are typical considered attractive in a man and that Xander also would not think describe himself. Xander is jealous because he thinks Angel is more attractive than him and Buffy would never choose him over Angel.

Alternatively, consider “Buffy started dancing with the blood-sucking creep.” Now instead of insecure, Xander is feeling self-righteous in his jealousy. He’s focusing on the things that make Angel a bad partner, and is probably at least a little angry at Buffy for choosing Angel over him.

The same sentence and context, but with a different nuance depending on which way you refer to Angel. Meaning any of those options are good, as long as you’re using them to convey the mood you want to.

Ultimately I think it comes back to the same thing that’s going on when in dialogue tags people use every possible synonym under the sun to avoid using said. Those other words aren’t bad, it’s just that should be used because you want to use them, not because you don’t want to use said. An epithet can be a useful tool to refer to a character, but it is not a tool to avoid using their name too frequently.

It’s been a minute since I read Buffy fic and I think I forgot or maybe didn’t notice before epithet-heavy they all are. (Epithet meaning referring to characters by descriptors, eg the blonde, the taller man, etc., rather than by their name or pronouns. The amount of epithet swear words seems about average.) Granted probably at least a good 75% of it is “the vampire” which I am slowly growing numb to, but still. Fighting for my life rn trying to read some of these.

[razorblade180]

Twin Snowflakes 44: Miracles and Memories

TFS 43 <-

They say when it rains, it pours. In Atlas’s case, when it snows, even hell freezes. Though the heroes of Remnant were experiencing a great tragedy which they haven’t faced in a long time, tears and worry were put on hold as they stood at attention before James Ironwood. The thick bearded, half bionic man visited the hospital personally and was briefed on the rapidly developing situation. Though his role for Atlas had been more relaxed since Salem’s defeat, times of utmost urgency called for experience. Who better than the man devoted to his nation’s safety?

He watched Penny’s live broadcast with a keen eye. “Weather update.”

“Sir! Atlas’s climate is gradually decreasing.” Penny looked up. “We have roughly five hours before the sun sets. After that, I estimate Atlas’s temperature will be as cold as the tundra.”

“When was the last time our heating system was reset for maintenance.”

“That was today, Sir. It might give us time, but with how cold it’s getting and the amount of civilians…Our system won’t hold long with everyone’s heat on full blast. No system would. It’ll break down eventually, or worse.”

“Cause a power outage. That’s the last thing we need. Penny, how’s Mantle looking?”

“Largely unaffected. A few degrees colder than normal. Likely all the Diamond Dust in the air floating around.”

“So it’s Atlas centered huh?” He stroked his beard. Acting fast was crucial. “How’s the wind? Is it too strong for airships?

“It’s gusty but flying shouldn’t be an issue, yet. Where are we moving the dust?”

“For now, nowhere. We’re moving people. All the civilians we can get done o Mantle before it’s too late.”

They all looked at one another. What Ironwood said made sense but no easy task. Winter was the first to speak up. “Sir, Mantle is big but taking on Atlas’s civilians unexpectedly might cause panic. Not to mention how crowded it would be.”

“All the warmer they’ll be.” Yang said. “Also it isn’t as if panic won’t set in soon anyways. I’ll beat the grimm back myself if I-”

“No.” Jaune interrupted. “If anything is certain, Shiva has targets on us specifically. We remain in Atlas. Besides…” he looked down the hall towards his son’s door. Him and Weiss weren’t going anywhere.

“While I deeply understand all of your current feelings, I wasn’t finished.” Ironwood pulled up a 3D map of Atlas, Mantle, and Amity Arena. “Get as many people as you can to Mantle and Amity for the time being. Heating and food won’t be a problem for now. We’ll have the remaining people relocate to designated areas. That way we can conserve heat by cutting off unnecessary units.”

“I’m already assigning the soldiers their roles based on each section of the city.” Penny wasted no time giving the order. “I know we didn’t put this up for a vote but we truly don’t have much time. Besides, I would like to get back to the hospital as soon as possible. General, please allow me to recommend the hospital, Atlas base, and the academy as designated areas.”

“Granted. Not like people aren’t there already.”

“Add Schnee Manor.” Weiss finally broke her silence. “We have more than enough room.”

No one argued the decision. Whitley spoke as well. “SDC company building as well. I think that should be more than enough space for whoever remains. I’d also prefer if people were directed there first. It’s easily the most useless building for the foreseeable future.”

Weiss saw right through her brother, doing his best to steer people away from her home under the guise of sparing the hospital and base unnecessary strain. She would be against it if not for Nora intentionally cutting her off.

“Great idea. It’s no good if people become restless or unable to work.”

Ruby looked at the map as points of interest were highlighted. Honestly this was a sound move they were making. The right one at that. However…

“General Ironwood? This is another trap.” Ruby looked at the now frozen over Almanac. “Not to say this isn’t our best option on short notice, but what we’re doing means outside of those designated areas, it’s gonna be bone chilling. Shiva is going to be able to move freely throughout Atlas just like she can at the school. You know that, right.”

The old man sighed, “Yes, it did indeed cross my mind. Either way, choosing to do this or not, Atlas faces to brave a harsh blizzard.”

“Just making sure you knew.” Again, Shiva was using the same tactic she used to secure the school. If the first time was defensive to recover, then Ruby feared this to be an offensive, given the range. “We’re fighting Shiva on her terms. Who knows what she has in store.”

xxxxx

And so began the conclusion of a drawn battle. Citizens were moved with haste, uneasy but left in the dark. The official story being a mechanical malfunction that while posed a serious issue, was nothing worth panicking over. As for the controlled blizzard, well, citizens have seen crazier over the years. Ironwood simply told his people that scientists were trying to figure it out themselves. Anything is better than admitting the problem had a face behind it. Especially when that face looks like Atlas’s resident princess. All huntsmen and soldiers did their part to help evacuations. Many were offered the choice to stay behind in Mantle and as expected, many chose that option. Not that it was necessarily bad. It meant lying to less people and Ruby doubted most of them would be safe against their unknown adversary.

The Reaper looked out over the mostly vacant city with Ironwood as the sun began sitting. Not much time left. Wind howled and ice nipped at her nose, yet she remained unbothered. Unlike the subtle shifts James made where prosthetics met flesh.

“There’s still ships leaving.” Ruby said, concerned with his health. “I think you should be on one.”

“Hmph, that’ll give a nice message to the people and my troops.”

“With all due respect, your troops know your birthday. They plan it every year.”

“And I act surprised every time.” The man chuckled. Perhaps he was getting sentimental as well as old. He looked over at his long term alley. It’s hard to believe this was the same girl he met stumbling in her first pair of heels. Harder to believe she’s led countless people with a battle cry right to Salem’s front door. inTime sure flies. “I’ll keep the supply chain going. It would be terrible if you all got hungry in here.”

“Can’t fight on an empty stomach. I’ll tell Winter that you left her in command. Also, if I could ask a favor-”

“I’ve already got people overseas looking into the whereabouts of Sparrow’s boat. If he’s anything like his father, he probably spilled his drink on the ship's tracker and that’s all.”

“Heh, thank you.”

“We’ll call it even.” Ironwood walked away towards the airships.

Ruby smiled, “You know you’ve been calling it even for over a decade now.”

“Someone has to keep track. I can’t ask you bunch to do it. Can’t even put the right age in frosting.”

Ruby blinked twice. “Wait…how old are you?”

“Stay safe Mrs. Rose.”

And with those final words, Ruby was left watching over Atlas, the orange hue of dusk eventually fading to bring Atlas’s coldest night in history. Still, Ruby did not tremble. Little did anyone know back in the school, Shiva was already on her third move. Sleeping peacefully for the first time.

xxxxxx

From the depths of slumber, Valerie slowly began to regain consciousness. Her eyes fluttered open, squinting at the lights that beamed down on her. Heavy groans and soreness washed over her body as she finally moved.

“Mmmgh, o…ooow.” She grumbled, her mind foggy. Valerie sat up in her hospital bed with eyes opening at last. There was a lot to take in. For starters, she was in a hospital gown and right arm in a sling bandaged up.

“Whaaa?” She looked left to see her fresh clothes in a chair, then right. A shut window with the blinds shut was the only thing of interest. Val gave a tug on the string a tug. The view of intense white greeted her. Suddenly everything came rushing back.

“Nick…”

Valerie rolled out of bed’ stumbling to her feet as she left her room. Valerie however was not ready to walk into a hall of chaos, an influx of people that clearly weren’t doctors or patients anxiously roaming and chattering amongst themselves. Valerie walked the halls. It was…bizarre to say the least. Many seemed uninjured, bundled up in layers while others sat around portable heaters. Perhaps it was aura, but Valerie didn’t feel too cold. All the body heat around definitely helped, that’s for sure. Despite the worried faces scattered about, she could tell overall morale wasn’t dire. Val wished she felt the same as her legs kept rushing around people in search of Nick, anyone recognizable.

“Mom? Dad!? Nick!!” She yelled the best she could. Valerie stopped to hunch over as she caught her breath.

“Valerie?”

Her head shot up. Down the hall, Jaune was giving her a wide eyed stare. “Jaune!” Val tried to run but her legs gave out on the first step.

Jaune quickly ran over to the tired girl and knelt down. “Hey hey hey, easy now. Did you just wake up?” She gave him a nod. Jaune scooped her up in his arms and carried her over to an empty chair out of the way of anyone passing by. “You shouldn’t be out of bed. Let alone running.”

“What’s going on? Why are they so many people here, and why is-” a pain shot up her arm that made her wince.

“Valerie, you have to calm down.” Jaune reached for her arm and used his semblance, watching Valerie slowly untense her body and breathe. “Better?”

“A little.” She grunted through the pain. “I just don’t understand anything right now.”

It was clear Valerie was not only frazzled, but scared. Jaune did his best to give her a reassuring smile. “For starters…you’ve been asleep for two days.”

“Tw-”she stopped herself from yelling. “Okay…and?”

“And a lot has gone down. Too much. Try not moving your arm. It’s still broken. I’ve done a lot to help it along but doctors say you’re looking at about a month of regular recovery.”

Valerie rubbed it gently, “That long?”

“Not to freak you out, but the bones in your hand and wrist sounded like pocket change.”

“O…oh.” Her face got a little pale. “Will it recover correctly?”

“You’re young and I’m still here. Now that you’re awake we’ll get you a proper caste. You need to eat first, regain some energy. Nora and Ren are going to be glad you’re finally awake.”

“Where are they?”

Valerie’s question brought silence as Jaune’s smile grew a little smaller. He looked toward. Now that she thought about it, why was Jaune and so many at the hospital-

“No…” she said softly, “Jaune, what haven’t you told me yet? Why are you here? Why is it so cold outside?” Deep down in her heart, Valerie already knew the answer. “Where’s Nick?”

Jaune sighed, “It’s…better if I showed you.”

xxxxxx

In all her life, Valerie saw herself as a protector, a leader to rely on. The clutch in every situation. As Jaune told her the terrible news, that image began to crack, and as she stood looking through the other side of the door window at a bed ridden Nick, doctors over him. Penny including. The only thing that broke her focus on the window were two voices calling her name.

“Valerie!” Ren and Nora said with relief. Their joy was short lived , realizing what room she was in front of. Their daughter looked at them with tears already falling. They didn’t spare a second further, running to Valerie and wrapping their arms around her gently.

“N-Nick…is he…he’ll be fine right?” No one even bothered to lie. “Right?” She said again, voice shrill.

“We’re doing everything, but…” Jaune looked at his hands before sighing. He shook away his own bad thoughts. “Never mind that for now. Val, the others are on their way. You’re the only one right now who can possibly tell us more than what we already know.”

“Me? I hate to break it to you but I barged in on things. I’m not sure how-”

“Anything.” Jaune barely held back the desperation in his voice.

“…I’ll do the best I can.” Valerie slowly walked back to her room with her parents. She couldn’t even bring herself to look back at the window.

It took about twenty minutes, but everyone arrived at the hospital. Ruby was of course the first to show, followed by Weiss and Yang. Blake, Whitley, and Winter were the last. Besides Penny, who didn’t want to leave Nick for any longer than necessary.

Valerie could see the varying levels of fatigue on the group's face. Ranging from slight exhaustion like Winter, or the red puffy eyes of Weiss. She didn’t even look like she wanted to talk. No one could blame her. Valerie couldn’t help notice someone was missing as well.

“Where’s Veronica?”

Blake’s ears fell. “She…didn’t want to come back here. Said it’s too nosy and she’d rather listen out for anything unusual.”

“Ah.” Valerie couldn’t find fault for once with how Veronica might be feeling. Valerie wished for herself that she remained asleep, as if it would change anything. “I’ve tried thinking back a bit. Honestly the ending is pretty hazy.”

“Give us anything you have.” Penny said.

“Well, it was brief. Everything happened so fast. Eliza asked if I could help them with the boiler, I heard a loud bang going down the stairs and-oh, Have you seen Max and Darren?”

“Those two were down there?”

“Yeah. I mean Darren was knocked out, also Max is part of the reason I managed to escape with Nick.”

Ruby thought back to Harriet’s list. “Max was definitely on that list compiled by school attendance. I don’t remember seeing Darren at all. More importantly, if you said he was unconscious then surely his parents or somebody would’ve brought him to a hospital, right? Max isn’t the type to not help a person.”

“I can vouch for that.” Jaune said, skeptical of those two’s involvement. “Cardin has had his faults over the years but he’s raised a decent kid. Darren, well we’ve all seen his attitude. He’s a senior right? If attendance doesn’t have him and he potentially lives on his own…”

“Then we’ve fucked up.” Ruby chastised herself silently. “I’m willing to bet money if he ever regained consciousness then he fled to Mantle.”

Winter’s eyes narrowed. “Which means he could actually be anywhere in Remnant. Nothing is stopping anyone from leaving Mantle. Maybe if we find Max…”

“Don’t.” Valerie said, drawing attention. “Max has always been sensible if nothing else, despite his choice in friends. He wouldn’t sit on anything important when all of Atlas is in danger. Not only that but…his eyes. I’ve never seen the guy look terrified until that day. I wouldn’t be surprised if the fear of Shiva made him hide away if he did have anything useful. Then again…”

“She would’ve dealt with him if he did have anything on her.” Winter finished. “Back to square one then. We couldn’t waste manpower on a search anyways.”

The memory of Nick on the floor kept replaying on loop in Valerie’s head. The fear in his eyes, the red lights, the blood…

“Is there really nothing you can do?” She looked at Penny with sad, pleading eyes that wanted hope. Any slither at all.

Penny never wanted the ability to lie more than ever. Unfortunately, “I just don’t know. As it stands, it’s all on him wanting to live long enough to heal, and that possibility…it would take more than a miracle.”

Weiss dug her nails into her palms. “That wouldn’t even be enough.A hundred wouldn’t even be.”

“Weiss-”

“He’s dying, Penny! And I…I know better than to just believe in a miracle. I know we all say it but let’s be honest with ourselves. A miracle didn’t beat Salem or save the world. We got answers to problems and put in effort! The only miracle was having enough time to do it; and Nick…he has no time. I’m gonna lose my son, and I can’t reach my daughter.”

Her head fell into her hands as she struggled to keep herself together. Jaune put his arms around her again. Valerie looked around and it was clear to see in the eyes of everyone that they were losing hope despite doing all their best. Maybe if she’d be more like them with a little time, but for now, she refused to look at the worst.

“Are we really asking for a miracle? Penny, You helped save Summer didn’t you?”

“I can’t take credit for that. That alone was unnatural in its own right. Truthfully, Summer shouldn’t have made it to the hospital. Not only was she a small child, but fell into a freezing lake after a dust explosion. If the Diamond Dust had hit a vital organ then it would’ve been over.”

Jaune didn’t like thinking of that day being worse than it was. “I was barely able to keep her holding on. Summer also didn’t have the shrapnel in her as long as Nick had that dagger in. If there’s any miracle that day, it’s that he awakened his semblance when he did?”

Those words brought Valerie’s mind to a screeching halt. “Wait, what exactly happened that day? I knew that’s when he got the glyphs but how did that help?”

“It appeared under Summer after I pulled her out of the water onto land. We had thought she was going to die right there right before it activated. Like any Schnee glyph, it took the dust and added it to itself, making the shards deteriorate.”

“Did the glyph look like a mixture of bloody ice and white? Because when I saw Nick, he had two small glyphs in his hands between the dagger.”

Yang chimed in. “Maybe he tried doing the same thing? In his situati-”

A loud thud from Penny’s scroll hitting the tile floor made everyone jump. The tiredness in her emerald eyes faded as they gradually grew wider and turned to Valerie.

“The same thing…” She repeated Yang’s words. “Valerie, are you certain you saw Nick use his semblance on the dagger?”

“Y-Yes. Why?”

Penny didn’t want to get anyones hopes up, yet she didn’t want to abandon hope either. Before she said anything else, Penny wanted to confirm her suspicion. “I’ll be right back.” Penny took off running out of the room.

“Penny!” Whitley yelled. “Where are you going!?”

“To find a miracle!” She made a sharp right around the corner and kept going.

Whitley looked at his loved ones in hope they understood any of that. To no surprise, they were equally lost. Even Ruby hadn’t the foggiest idea. As baffling as it all was, it was overshadowed as Veronica phased through the ceiling and onto Valerie’s bed, spooking the girl.

“Gah! Veronica!?”

The faunus spared a glance at the Valkyrie before turning to the window and pointing to the school. “The wind makes it hard to hear, but I definitely smell her scent growing. Not closer but…stronger. I think she’s ready for her next move.”

Valerie’s armed ache at the thought, which reminded her… “Guys? There’s something else I noticed that day.”

xxxxxx

The front doors of the combat school defrosted and opened. Shiva squinted her eyes as she stepped into a world of her making. “Oof, little bright.” She giggled and stretched her limbs. “Time for a little stroll.”

The enigmatic entity let the swift wind guide her footsteps to the road where she started heading west. The cold kept her comfortable and the snow invigorated the senses, but despite all its greatness, Shiva enjoyed the sun’s rays on her body. Warmth was never a thing she despised. It made food better, life persisted with it, and warmth told her secrets. Like how underground held a bunch of little warm things that were getting a little too comfortable.

“Now of Summer’s memories are correct…ah!” She spotted an entrance to the subway. “To think the rich even bothered making these, let alone remembering them. Now I could just freeze it over, but….”

Shiva took a single step and lunged forward down the entrance at incredible speed. A gust of wind followed behind then blew past her when she stopped to gaze at the dozens of atlas soldiers that stood in place from shock; their hands literally caught red handed with flame rounds, crystals, and blades.

“Well? What are you all waiting for? Those are meant for me right? Go ahead.” She smirked, making a glyph appear below all their feet.

“Find out if they work.”

xxxxxx

“I’m back!” Penny said, running back into the room and noticing Winter’s troubled look while hanging up on a call. “What happened?”

“One of my teams has gone radio silent. Also, Valerie, care to tell her what you told us?”

“When I destroyed my arm breaking Shiva’s ice wall, for a moment, I saw a glyph appear before I hit her.”

Penny gasped silently then looked at her own scroll. “All the more reason for this then, potentially.” She projected four images to everyone.

Valerie was thankful for paying attention in science. Each image looked like cells under a microscope. “Umm, I'm an average student. Anyone want to elaborate?

Penny pulled out a sealed vial blood. “They’re blood cells. Two photos on the left are Nick’s, while the right are Summer’s.”

Penny took the furthest right one and made it bigger. The image had normal coloring and the cells looked right at home in a text book. “This is her blood record taken before the accident. As for after…”

She enlarged the second image. While normal blood cells remained, speckles of something more could be seen in a few areas between cells and even in a few. Those cells didn’t have the same pinkish coloring, but tints of bluish purple.

“This was taken during her last check up.”

“Penny, we've seen her blood work before. What’s this leading to?” Weiss asked.

Penny moved both images aside and brought up Nick’s first image. Again, it was normal. “Last taken a few months ago. And now as of several minutes ago and me personally examining it…”

She brought up the new blood. While nowhere near as aggressive, faint speckles could be seen; as well as a faded tint on a few cells. Penny left the images up as she put down her scroll. She leaned against the doorframe as she stared at the results with great interest. Everyone could see her brain at work while her eyes became very critical.

“I’ve run tests on Diamond Dust treatments of several others before and it’s never cellular, and leaves the system without any long or short term harm. Of course that’s nothing surprising in the grand scheme of things since the same is done with all manners of dust. Now I’m not going to rule out the possibilities Nick’s recent results are due to the simple fact a large portion of dust violently got into his system. Even so…it’s unnatural for any foreign substance to not kill a thing as delicate as a blood cell. I’m willing to bet if I took any samples from Valerie’s arm that I’d only find dead cells from frostbite and healthy normal blood cells. I’m not entirely sure but I think…the glyph semblance managed for lack of a better word, to dissipate the dust into the body.”

“And what exactly does that mean for us?”

“What if…we gave Nick more Diamond Dust?” All of her friends looked at her like she was insane. Looks like she’d have to talk a little faster. “I know it sounds counterintuitive but hear me out! We keep obsessing about what we don’t know but let’s stop and think about what we do know in regards to Shiva and Summer’s body.”

Ruby tapped her foot and thought about all the training. “Umm there’s the cold of course. That’s what brings her out. Along with immense adrenaline and fear but those two are very inconsistent.”

“Correct. What else?” Penny pointed at Yang.

“Heat makes her go and before today, she’s never used a glyph on us.”

“Not only that but Shiva takes damage. Real cuts and bruises. It’s why detaining her is so hard because we don’t want to hurt Summer. Now we have Valerie saying she can use glyphs.”

“So we have to ask ourselves what’s the biggest change between this time and the others?” Blake said.

Ren already had an answer. “Easy. It’s colder and she has access to way more Diamond Dust.”

Penny nodded in agreement. “These are the facts we know. We also know Shiva manages to heal incredibly fast, a product of the dust that seemed unique to her while cutting through everyone else’s aura and inflicting wounds like frostbite and cuts.”

Jaune began putting a few pieces together. “Are you…saying that now that Nick’s cells are somewhat similar that he should heal too?”

“Not quite. Like I said, small amounts have been used by people over the years and they did experience an enhanced recovery for otherwise longer lasting and even some irreversible injuries. What I’m proposing is I’m starting to believe Shiva is in pain and we didn’t realize it.”

Penny pushed the images to the side and sat at the foot of the bed near Veronica. “Your ears are the best of us. How would you describe Summer’s body?”

“It’s a mess, but that’s because she admitted to not taking care of it properly. It was getting better with her new routine and diet. As for Shiva, nothing about her ever sounded correct. Same with the smell.”

“I see. Here’s my theory for you all. We could always do direct damage to Shiva because Summer’s aura was too busy protecting her internal organs from freezing. I mean just think about it. It’s not like her aura vanishes and it’s never full when Summer returns. It would also explain Shiva’s typical sense of agency over the years if she’s been aware prolonged encounters weren’t favorable. But all that’s changed recently.”

“So you’re implying that because she has more Diamond Dust and it’s colder, it’s come full circle where the Dust’s healing properties can keep up with whatever damage Summer’s body may have sustained; freeing up the aura to be used as normal.” Jaune surmised

“Yes, but I have no way of confirming this or knowing if Shiva made a conscious decision to operate like this. It’s very possible in an attempt to sustain itself, Summer’s body naturally prioritized its safety by diverting all sure to shield its vitals. After all…we know the seriousness Diamond Dust can cause to a person’s organs.” she said solemnly as she brought back Nick’s blood results.

“You do realize what you’re asking, right?” Whitley folded his arms. “You’re talking about experimental medicine and theories.”

“I know, but-”

“And let’s address the Goliath in the room.” He continued, “Say all of this is legit and giving Nick more Diamond Dust saves his life. Is Nick the only thing we’re getting back.”

Her gaze fell to the floor. Penny looked at her scroll again, at Nick’s vitals. “I don’t know. We could end up with another Shiva somehow. Even so…” she looked at Jaune and Weiss. “I can’t be the only one who’s willing to run that risk. If we don’t try anything soon, Nicholas will die.”

It wasn’t the first time it was said, but now it felt like a certainty. Doing nothing but hope would only bring disappointment. Yet this unknown, it might bring something far worse on the slightest chance it did work.

Blake cleared her throat, gaining everyone’s attention. “I thought we were focusing on what we knew? Whatever the specifics are, Shiva came about through a violent experience. Not Penny being as careful as possible.”

The redhead smiled softly at her friend's words. “ Gradual doses, constant monitoring, and everything I-we have to offer. We don’t need him to heal rapidly like Shiva. Just enough to help sustain him while Nick’s aura can concentrate on his organs healing what it can. If he gains enough strength then we could give him proper surgery for whatever might need operating. So… thoughts?”

Nora ran her hands through her hair trying to wrap her head around it all. “Listen, I won’t pretend I followed every step of that completely, but does this really need a vote? It’s Nick. We’ve spent years facing Shiva and I don’t regret it because the alternative was Summer died in a lake. If this was the only shot to save any of you, I’d take it. We’ll cross all other bridges when we get there.”

There wasn’t a soul who felt differently. Despite the danger, nobody was about to stop anyone. Weiss stood up and looked at all those she considered family. “I don’t think I need to tell any of you that I’d take either of my children's place in an instant if it meant they lived happy lives. Whitley, thank you for what you said. Honestly I didn’t have it in me to bring up the possibility. Lately I’ve been feeling like I haven’t had the strength to deal with all these problems for a while. I try to be there for them, yet they still slip through my fingers. Some of you were able to see parts of them I couldn’t.”

“It takes a village Weiss.” Ruby said. “No one does it alone. Though I guess we haven’t talked with each other enough about the serious things.”

“All of you do what Jaune and I try to do. We listen to our kids and try to go from there. I think…we do that now. Penny, is Nick awake? He should have the final say if he’s able to.”

“Only one way to find out.” Penny offered her hand and Weiss took it before they both walked out. Jaune got up and followed behind them.

“Do you guys want to-”

“Of course.” Winter said bluntly. “However, all of us at once, not to mention his fragile state, it’s still too risky. Go be with your son.”

He nodded then left. Veronica got off the bed and moved towards the window, going through the wall to leave. Yang was quite shocked.

“I thought she’d say more.”

“How’s she handling all of this?” Winter asked with genuine concern. “She’s been rather…reserved.”

“You’d think I’d have a clue what goes through that head? Honestly-”

Veronica poked her head back through the wall. “Shiva’s moving towards the base.”

Yang jumped to her feet. “What!? Are you sure?”

“She is.” Winter said as her scroll flashed red. “Alright, who’s going with me and who’s staying?”

Ruby, Blake, and Yang all nodded at one another. Winter however glared at Blake and Yang.

“You both can’t go. You have a child.”

“Tah!” Veronica rolled her eyes. “Better they both go. No matter who stays, one will be anxious. Not like you two have the guts to die on me.” Veronica looked at the four of them. “None of you do. Got it?”

She fully stepped through the wall for Blake and Yang to hug her tightly. Ruby hugged her friends then ran over to Whitley to hold him close.

“I’ll be back before you miss me.”

“If only you were that fast.” He hugged her back. Whitley looked over at Winter and they exchanged a silent but meaningful look. With farewells out of the way, the four women grabbed Veronica’s hand and she took them through the wall so they could be on their way. Veronica went back in one final time.

“I’m going to the manor. Figure one of us should be there just in case.”

“Don’t be a hero.” Nora cautioned.

“Pfft, duh. If I wanted that then I’d go to combat school.” Veronica left with those words.

Nora looked at Ren’s sympathetic eyes. “What color?”

“Do you even have to ask? Blue, all of us.”

xxxxx

A few halls down, Weiss and Jaune once again held their son’s hands as he lay awake, but barely. Still, his strength was a bit better than before. They knew better to drain his energy and gave Nick a brief version. Despite the pain, Nick slowly inched to set up against the bed.

“Well now…you all sure now how to dump a lot on a guy..” he chuckled a little before coughing, the taste of iron in the back of his throat.

Seeing him like this made Weiss’s heart heavy. “We’re all out of certainties. We just…I need to hear you say it’s okay.”

“Would you still do it if I said no?” He knew it wasn’t a fair question. Weiss didn’t even bother answering. Her remorseful look was enough. As if she were apologizing for something she hadn’t even done yet. “Sorry, I had to ask.”

“It’s okay to be scared. I hope you know that.” Jaune rubbed his hand over his son’s knuckles.

“I know dad.” The pain in him vexed his breathing. Nick tried slow breaths to regain composure before his answers. “There’s…so much I wanna do. Things I want to…see. Like Summer. I still have to tell her something really exciting.”

His mind drifted to his reason for running to the school in the first place. He wondered how Veronica was doing. Knowing her, probably very upset at him. He was warned about rushing to Summer’s side without thinking by multiple people. He should’ve listened.

With his decision made, Penny walked over to the three. “I’ll get the doctors and everything set up. It’ll take either until nightfall or maybe even early morning before we start. If there’s one thing we can’t afford to rush, it's dosage.” She looked at Nick with kind eyes. “If we want our best chance I’m gonna have to put you under.”

“Oh joy. Sleep, my old nemesis.” He said with a tired smile. “Hopefully I’ll have a good dream…”

xxxxx

“Pl…Please, I don’t know.” A familiar phrase given by one of my chattering soldiers stationed outside the base.

Shiva rolled her eyes and sighed an icy breath that frosted over the soldier’s collar she gripped tightly. “Ugh, does chain of command not exist or something?” She looked around at the battered individuals. “All I wanted was a password or Penny’s location but since that’s tooooo hard…”

Shiva tossed the man aside and froze him in place. She grabbed her Diamond Dust made cutlass, similar to the one she made in the tournament, and headed towards the gates of the base. “Guess I’m doing this the hard way.”

As she reached for the door, a massive glyph blocked her way. A white manticore the size of an airbus came out claws first swiped and Shiva was batted away, tumbling through the snow and hitting a lamp pole.

“Grgrgrg~” she grumbled. Her head popped up out of the snow as fast as it was put into it. “Well somebody doesn’t care about playing nice anymore.”

Winter stood across the field, eyes focused. “Please, that wouldn’t have hurt you under normal circumstances.” She sent the manticore hunting Shiva down.

“At least you recognize your position.”

Shiva raised her blade and split the beast in two as it came to ram her. A burst of red petals came from behind it and circled Shiva several times before flying by. The sudden tightening of a black sash squeezed Shiva’s body. Ruby stabbed Gambol Shroud deep into the ground on her end while Blake held the other end near Winter and Yang.

Shiva blinked. “…I haven’t seen you lot in all this time and the best you have is tying me up? On second thought, maybe you don’t recognize the position you’re in.”

Winter put a gravity glyph under Shiva’s feet. Heat from Yang’s gauntlets made red markings on the sash glow. Shiva felt the warmth against her skin rise steadily.

“Okay, this is less insulting. I figured I’d be seeing Red, White, Black, and Yellow eventually but not exactly what I expected.” Shiva tilted her head and stared unblinkingly at Winter. “Is mommy still crying?”

Winter grimaced, “We are not here to talk.”

“Could’ve fooled me! I mean you did decide to subdue me instead of ya know, stabbing? Afraid to get close? Can’t blame you. Can you imagine how badly it hurts getting stabbed by this dust? I thought the pain would be instant but from what I’ve seen it really isn’t…” Shiva’s smile faded a little. “Oh well. Can’t undo mistakes. At least Nick didn’t suffer too long.”

The team gave subtle glances to one another. From the sound of it, Shiva thinks Nick is dead. Honestly, all for the better. The last thing she needs is a reason to go to the hospital. What’s more interesting is Shiva didn’t look that amused with herself. Yang didn’t know why but it pissed her off more.

“Why does it almost sound like you care?”

“Don’t know. Maybe it’s a twin thing. I wish you could’ve seen the look on Summer's face witnessing it, the way the room was so quiet in the end. It was awful really! I’d say she’d feel the same when I’m done with you all, heheh.”

Tormented giggles grew louder into laughter. Yang increased the heat while everyone held tightly to the restraints. Shiva…felt different.

“Hahahaha, but Summer isn’t feeling anything anymore! Her voice is completely silenced. Just me, myself, and I!”

“Tsk, why are you even here!?” Blake yelled.

Shiva stopped laughing.“Oh~ I thought that was obvious. Well for starters, I knew a few of you have to show up. It’s not like any of you bother to call me and I need you gone. As for the other thing; After sifting through all these new and wonderful memories Summer has that I never knew, I realized something. Mine really are boring. Do you know how many times I’ve stared through the thick glass of a pod? How often I heard the beeping of stupid scanners? When I tell you I want that room and stupid lab and robot broken I MEAN IT!”

The ground began to tremble and the sash’s red glow began to fade.

“Speaking of which, where is she? I know you have to know.”

Ruby put flame rounds in her gun and took aim. “You’re not getting anywhere near her, or anyone else!”

“Little late for that.” She looked at the soldiers. “Be grateful they weren’t any of you, or not! Better aim seriously. Your lives depend on it.”

Yang’s hair grew brighter. “We’re not scared of you.”

“Hahahaha! I don’t need you scared. In fact, I don’t need you to feel anything at all.”

Dozens of glyphs spread across the snow that surrounded everyone. Contorted white limbs rose slowly, pushing themselves through. Shiva’s laughter were drowned out by the deathly cries of Apathy. The sash went limp and the gravity glyph disappeared as Winter and Blake fell to their knees.

“Damnit!” Yang’s vision blurred and she stumbled forward, taking a knee. Her head bobbed down for a second and the moment it came up, Shiva stood before her with her sword raised to fall.

Ruby screamed, “YANG!” Digging her feet into the ground before blasting forward, powering through the Apathy’s cries. Ruby ran right into Shiva and grabbed her as she kept going as far as possible before her arms couldn’t take the cold. Ruby reeled her arms back and threw Shiva at the same time she stopped dashing.

Shiva rolled and bounced off the pavement, impacting the side of a car and making it skid.

Ruby looked backed to see the Apathy vanishing. Winter uses what focus she still has to speed up the process, making the manticore attack the creatures so she and her friends can get back up.

Ruby dashed back to them. The manticore retrieved Crescent Rose and tossed it to Ruby to catch. “Are you guys okay!?”

Yang got up. “I fucking hate those things! I know Valerie said she used glyphs but come on!” Yang helped Blake up.

Sometimes two sets of ears are nothing but trouble. Blake shook off the daze. “Mgh, I guess we know what she’s been practicing these past couple of days.”

“No.” Winter stabbed her blade into the ground to help pull herself up. “That’s not something you can just practice. She mentioned sifting through Summer’s memories. If she’s capable of freely doing that…”

“Then just how many tricks has she remembered?” Ruby looked through her scope to try and spot her. “…Yang, melt the soldiers out and get them to safety.”

Her tone left nothing to be desired. Yang started melting ice with the help of Winter. “Ruby, what is she doing?” Her sister asked.

“Hate to say it but I’m glad Summer never got the hang of summoning a Gigas. She got pretty good with beowulves though. Unfortunately for her…” Ruby put down the scope.

The wind blew harshly towards them, ripping howling like never before. Ruby switched to scythe mode and twirled it, holding it behind her with both hands.

“Shiva doesn’t have my memories.” Ruby almost felt nostalgic. “ Just another winter in Patch.”

Yang smiled. “Well when you put it that way.” She cracked her knuckles. “Too bad there’s no Ursas”

“Let’s not give her ideas.” Winter warned. “Just so we’re all on the same page, our top priority is controlling our advantages. Don’t mention Nick, and this base can’t fall. Penny’s lab is too valuable to lose. Diamond Dust, weapons, anything on Shiva and potentially things she’ll need for her so-called Miracle. We empty the streets for a reason. Let’s use him.”

“Roger!” They yelled, running into the city in multiple directions while for the best points of attack possible.

Shiva couldn’t see them from how far she was but could feel their warmth ever so slightly amidst the blizzard. “So that’s how we’re playing this? Fine by me. Let’s see who knows these streets best. You, or the girl who ditched school constantly?”

She snapped her fingers and sent her creatures on their hunt. “No more running away. It’s your turn now.”

[whatifyoulivelikethat]

a kiss from the moon | jjk

pairing(s): jungkook x reader

summary: All these years, all these summers, Jeon Jungkook has loved you. His problem? You have no idea. Mostly because he has always said it far too platonically and thrown up in your lap after saying it. Drunk. Fuck. Oh, yeah, and you're also Park Jimin's best friend since preschool. Shit.

warnings: language; alcohol consumption; pining; JK gets distracted by (your) tits during his quest, typical; non-idol!BTS - purple-haired!Jungkook x sleepy af, noona!reader, ft Park Jimin and Kim Taehyung radiating big soulmate energy; childhood friends-to-lovers

yes, it's JK from the 'Butter' beach photos

--

“I love you!”

You lifted your head out of the mountain of pillows, groggy and hazy, squinting at the moonlight filtering through the floating curtains. The night breeze was warm, drifting in softly with the low hum of cicadas. But what was that other sound? That other sound was familiar, wasn’t it?

You heard your name being shouted, followed by, “Wake up!”

You made a face and stumbled out of the bed, sticking your head out of your bedroom window, your own hair flying back and smacking you in the face.

“Yah! Jeon Jungkook, are you trying to wake up the whole damn neighborhood?!”

“Get down here!”

You put on your best disgruntled expression and peered down at the form on your front lawn, shoving your own hair aside.

“What are you going on about?” you muttered, seeing Jeon Jungkook looking up at you, puffing his cheeks, long wet purple hair fading to gray because of the chlorine from swimming all night at that party Park Jimin had invited you to earlier today, to which you had responded, no thanks, I’m going to sleep all day, I worked three double shifts in a row and I have zero desire to be flung into your family’s swimming pool at this time, but I will acknowledge that your offer is very generous, and then promptly passing out for a good – you glanced at your phone with the pink bunny case Jungkook had given you two summers ago – ten hours and it was still not enough for you to comprehend why your best friend’s best friend was standing on your front lawn yelling at your parents’ house that you were watching for a month while they were in Italy getting drunk on far too expensive wine and eating cheese they probably couldn’t pronounce.

Jungkook was shirtless, clad only in orange swim shorts and sandals like a fucking hooligan. He was clutching a plastic red Solo cup and he threw it at the house, yelling your name again.

“Oh my fucking God, don’t litter, you idiot!” you bellowed back, throwing yourself away from the windowsill and crawling on the floor to your bedroom door like the evolution of mankind, making it from all fours to two legs by the time you got to the stairs – good thing too, you might have broken your neck if you were still disoriented – and you dragged yourself downstairs, yanking your white slip dress straight. Not your choice of pajamas. Your mom’s, who told you to be more ladylike, whatever the fuck that meant, and who also informed you in the same breath that it was your only choice of pajamas since they donated all your clothes from high school.

Awesome.

You go to university and your parents yeet all evidence that they had a child and go vacationing.

Good for them.

You wrenched your front door open and shoved your feet into your dad’s giant brown sandals and clapped your way over to the pink-faced, mildly drunk, shirtless man in swimming trunks on your front lawn.

“It’s two in the morning. Why are you standing here drunk and professing your love like some kind of deranged Romeo?” you sighed, rubbing your eyes. “Why aren’t you at Jimin’s?” You spied the red Solo cup and picked it up, whipping your head back to Jeon Jungkook.

He was staring at you with his mouth open.

Charming.

He didn’t say anything for a good ten seconds.

“Alright, fine, let me call my loser of a best friend and tell him to pick up his loser of a best friend, so I can go back to sleep,” you muttered, about to turn around.

Jungkook seemed to sputter back to life. “Wait, um, noona–”

“He speaks! He’s not dead.”

“A… Ah… Um…”

You squinted at him and reached up to knock the side of his head. “Hello? Anyone in there?”

Jungkook blurted out, “I love you.”

His breath smelled a lot like alcohol.

“Yeah, I got that. You also said that when I got you through your Chemistry and World History exams. Both times. You also say that to like, what, six of your guy friends? Don’t get me started on the amount of times you’ve said it and thrown up in my lap right after. Don’t do that this time,” you added sternly, prodding at his chest. “I’ve got one set of pajamas because my mom forgets that human beings change clothes, so throw up on the grass.”

“Uh… that’s pajamas…?”

“Lady pajamas,” you grumbled sarcastically, lifting the lid and chucking the crumpled Solo cup into your parents’ trash can. “Since I’m not lady enough apparently according to my mom, even though I’m ninety-nine percent sure giant band t-shirts are completely unisex but, whatever, it’s just a dress, not a big deal.”

“Um.”

You looked at Jungkook, who looked back at you, who put your hands up and gestured him to say something, who in response rose his hands and flapped them in confusion, giving you absolutely zero helpful communication. The movement reminded you he had gotten his right arm and hand tattooed in the last couple years, the black ink standing out against tan skin. You hadn’t seen him too many times during your university years, too busy completing research papers and staying late nights in laboratories, only to now end up working on hospital software and sitting on your ass all day. Life, eh? These past three days were spent on working through bugs for the next software update and you had maybe lost all social skills as you attempted to unravel lines of code that you stared at for forty-eight out of the past seventy-two hours.

Fun!

“Do you need a cookie? A shower? The Bible?” you offered, waving your hands. “Maybe tell me why you’re here, yes?”

He was staring and you realized you were slightly bent over in your gesture, your breasts firmly pressed into the cups of the slip dress. You straightened and Jungkook’s wide dark brown eyes went back to your face.

“I… I didn’t realize you had come back, noona.”

You raised an eyebrow. “What are you talking about? I told Jimin last week. He said he was hanging out with you and Taehyung. I figured he’d just tell you guys then.”

Jungkook shook his head quickly, gray-purple hair flying about. He pointed to the left, where Jimin’s house was several blocks over. “He only mentioned it just now, when he was throwing up in the bathroom from doing eight shots in a row because Taehyungie dared him.”

“…. Maybe he needs the Bible…” you muttered, shaking your head.

Then the realization hit you.

“Did you walk here from Jimin’s and straight up abandon the party?”

Jungkook tilted his head and thought about it. “Yeah.”

You looked around to find the camera and see if you were being pranked, but there was no camera because this life wasn’t purely for entertainment, right? Nah, this wasn’t The Matrix.

Mhm.

“Hah, well, what’s wrong? Are you upset I didn’t go to the party or something? I had three double-shifts this week, I wasn’t going to be any fun passed out before actually drinking–”

“Yoongi-hyung was passed out before drinking.”

“In some ways, I swear that guy and I are the same person,” you laughed, shaking your head. “Anyway, I’m sorry I didn’t go and I’m sorry I didn’t tell you, I really banked on Jimin not being an airhead, but once again he is, so maybe I should reconsider him as my best friend…”

“Noona, I…”

You looked up from your mental consideration of Park Jimin’s pros and cons, the first pro being he punched that ex of yours that cheated on you with some Tinder hookup and that was already enough to stop contemplating, so you blinked at Jungkook curiously, looking into wide brown eyes, long strands of ash-purple floating around his handsome face from the night breeze, brushing against his parted lips, highlighting the mole underneath them, placed perfectly in the center like a kiss from the moon itself.

“Can I take a shower and sleep it off here?”

You tilted your head. “Yeah, sure. You can borrow my dad’s clothes. You should call Jimin though. You don’t want him to panic that he lost you.”

“Y… Yeah, okay…”

-

Jeon Jungkook really thought he could say it this time.

Collected all his courage and ran, ran as fast as he could, couldn’t believe Jimin had neglected to say she was coming home over the summer for more than a day, days without her reminding Jungkook that he was a coward for not saying it when he could have, having lost his most important person in the world because he was too afraid of telling Park Jimin that he was in love with his best friend.

He remembered that smile wearing nothing but a large t-shirt, sitting on Jimin’s bedroom floor, crushing all of them at UNO and cackling as Jimin blew up for ending up in last place for the third time in a row, yelling that the game was rigged, and Jungkook remembered thinking, I should tell her tonight.

And he didn’t.

He remembered her saying to Taehyung that she just wasn’t into girly things. They were having this argument over pizza and Taehyung was waving his around saying she should at least try a dress on every once in a while, never know, might actually like it, and her rolling her eyes as she shot back that she didn’t have to do anything just because it was stereotypical for her gender. Taehyung told her to stop using big words and waved his hands, accidentally flinging his pizza slice into her lap, and Jungkook remembered thinking, I should tell her after we clean up.

And he didn’t.

He remembered seeing her prepare to leave for university once again, holding a small package from the internet and handing it to her, a small but practical belated birthday gift, both of them surprised when she opened it, not the matte black phone case he had ordered, but somehow mixed up with a pink bunny phone case that had no business being owned by someone who didn’t like girly things.

“Oh, shit, I’m so sorry, I didn’t order this–”

And she laughed, shaking her head. “That’s okay, I gotta go, thanks anyway, Jungkook!”

The years went by and every year Jungkook told himself, this is the one, and every year he just couldn’t say it.

He thought he could say it now, drunk and furious at Jimin for not preparing him for this moment, but on his way here Jungkook figured that perhaps this was preferred, that maybe it was better that he couldn’t sit around nervously overthinking what to say.

But, of course, the problem was…

He had already said it in a platonic way.

Shit.

He really fucked himself throughout the years.

Jungkook sighed, now wearing borrowed clothes, holding the note of her handwriting as he rubbed his hair with the towel.

I washed your shorts and they’re hang-drying now. You can sleep in the guest room. I left a glass of water and some hangover meds. If you need anything, I’ll be asleep but you can attempt to wake the dead if you want.

He walked down the hall, towel around his shoulders. Her bedroom door was open. He stood outside the entrance, sighing, seeing her sleeping form and her bedside table, her phone sitting on the charger.

His breath caught in his throat as he recognized that pink bunny phone case.

-

“Where’s Jungkook?”

“Probably at her parents’ place, confessing his love,” Kim Taehyung snickered, picking up the beer bottles left behind next to the pool.

“Hah, of course he would leave without cleaning up,” Park Jimin grumbled, pushing the recycling bin along as Taehyung tossed each bottle inside.

“You think he’s gonna tell her?”

“He didn’t even tell me,” Jimin muttered, shoving used napkins into the bag hanging off the side of the recycling bin that he was going to toss into the trash later. “I had to find out from you. I think he’s hopeless. Why does he like her anyway? She’s fun to be around, yeah, she’s good at school, yeah, knows a lot of random facts, yeah, if you get into philosophy with her like Namjoon-hyung does, you begin to question humanity and reality, yeah, but other than that…”

“You hitting on your best friend, dude?”

“I mean, she’s kinda hot, she wouldn’t say no to me.”

Taehyung snorted.

Jimin smacked him in the ass with the recycling bin.

“Anyway, he’s probably just standing in her bedroom creepily watching her sleeping.”

-

Jungkook stared down at her sleeping form.

He looked up, looking out the window into the late, late night. He was tired, and yet he couldn’t sleep, too busy wondering.

I don’t deserve her if I’m not brave enough to say it.

“Jungkook?”

-

You squinted at the large form in your bedroom.

“Why are you just staring moodily out the window?” you mumbled, rubbing your eyes. “Is something wrong? Are you hungry? I can make you a snack…”

“Noona, do you know what the worst feeling in the world is?” he asked softly, still looking out into the warm night.

You grunted and scrunched up your face. “Stepping on a Lego?”

You heard Jungkook laugh and you smiled a little despite your groggy state, hearing a little bit of his old self, the younger Jungkook hanging out with you, Jimin, and, later, Taehyung, the four of you getting up to no good. Somehow, in the past few years, he had gotten quieter and quieter, at least around you, but then again you only came home to visit for a day or two before going back to university.

“Have you ever been in love, noona?”

“Yeah, with the red bean popsicles they used to sell at the ice cream trucks, but then they stopped, those assholes, I’ve never been so heartbroken in my life,” you grumbled, remembering the day where the ice cream man told you they were sold out and your young teenage heart shattering.

“I love you, you know.”

Was this a fever dream? Why did he keep repeating himself? You looked over to his back, still looking outside onto the street, the street where you all used to run and laugh every summer, pretending you were surviving in the wild and not in the middle of a suburban neighborhood, sitting around sipping lemonade and complaining about the heat even though you all could have gone inside, lighting sparklers at night and seeing whose would last the longest even though such a thing was only based on chance anyway.

“Is that the worst thing you’ve ever heard?” he added quietly.

“The worst thing I’ve ever heard was accidentally hearing Jimin jacking off. Twice.”

Jungkook finally turned around, giving you a disgusted look. “What?”

You placed a hand on your face and sighed heavily, trying not to remember. “For some reason he thinks the bathroom isn’t echoey or something, like, at least do it in the shower, so the water masks the sound…” You chuckled, shaking your head. “Anyway, I would much rather hear you say you have love for me than listening to Jimin getting off.”

“I don’t have love for you.”

You raised your hand from your face and shifted your gaze to him, half-smile lingering on your lips from remembering Jimin’s carelessness. You made eye contact the second the words left his mouth, those brown eyes shrouded in shadows, but still so clear, a little helpless, a little sad.

“I’m in love with you,” Jungkook whispered softly.

Your eyes widened.

A soft breeze swept through the window, lifting the purple-gray strands from Jungkook’s face, revealing his lost, desolate expression.

The cicadas hummed.

A car alarm honked loudly, screeching through the night.

Both you and Jungkook jerked to face the window. You bolted out of bed and you both threw your hands onto the edge of the window, yanking it shut, wincing at the loud noise.

“Ah, jeez… what the hell…?” you groaned, slumping to the ground.

“What’s with people…?” Jungkook muttered, falling to the floor beside you, yanking the towel off his shoulders.

-

“Fuck, I pressed the wrong button!”

“Taehyung, what the hell, turn it off!”

“I was just trying to put the tangerines your parents gave me in my car!”

“I don’t care what you were doing, turn it off!”

-

“Anyway, sorry, you were saying something important and you got interrupted by some dumbass,” you sighed, nudging Jungkook with your shoulder.

“Uh… well, that was it…”

You blinked at him, tilting your head. “What, that you’re in love with me?”

“Y… Yeah?”

You blinked some more.

“Not the, want to go to the arcade and see who can get the highest score in PAC-MAN or go watch shitty action movies and rate the unrealistic plot lines or dare each other to eat whatever expired delicacy is in Taehyung’s fridge, kind of love?”

Jungkook made a repulsed face. “I regret eating that tofu. Don’t think I can ever look at uncooked tofu without gagging a little now…”

You leaned over and caught his eye.

“Do you mean the… want to date and get married and make babies, kind of love?”

His lips parted and the moonlight lit the small mole placed perfectly underneath his lower lip.

A delicate kiss from the moon itself.

Then you realized he was staring at your tits.

You yanked the neckline up a little and Jungkook started, looking back up at you with wide eyes.

“Sorry, I’m just not used to you in a dress, sorry, I’m being really rude–”

“It assures me that you’re at least interested in the making babies part,” you chuckled.

His ears turned red and he reached up to cover them, trying not to look down. “S… Sorry…”

“So…?”

He chewed on his lip, messing with his earrings with his fingertips. “Um… yeah, that kind of love. The latter kind.”

You lowered your hand. “You’re not messing with me, right? I swear, if this is one of Taehyung’s elaborate ideas to mess with me, I’m going to ki–”

Jungkook shook his head quickly, purple hair flying about. “I’m not joking around. I wanted to tell you for a long, long time, but…” His eyes darted about, panicking a little, before looking back to you helplessly. “You’re Jimin’s best friend, besides Taehyung, and what if… what if you thought I was gross or something and then I don’t think I could hang out with you guys anymore, but then you went to that prestigious university far away and I thought, I’m so stupid, I should have said something, anything, but every time I could even think about it, I didn’t know what to say, nothing seemed right…”

He let out a big sigh and tapped his head against the windowsill, closing his eyes.

“Also, I said it before and threw up in your lap right after, so that kinda fucked me up.”

“Can’t say I was really feeling the romance, yeah.”

He groaned and covered his face with his hands.

“I’d date you though. For real.”

Jungkook removed his hands and blinked at you. “What?”

You chuckled. “Why are you acting so surprised? I’m not going to date Jimin, blergh, I’ve known that guy since I was in preschool. I’m not dating Taehyung, I’m pretty sure he’s on a different brainwave than other human beings.”

You smiled at him and turned around to pick up your phone, holding it up.

“I don’t like girly things or cute things very much, but I kept your gift because it was from you and, funnily enough, I think it made me realize that I was rejecting femininity because society puts such a negative connotation on things young women like and because my friends growing up were primarily male, thus I wanted to seem cool or relatable so I rejected stereotypically feminine concepts…”

“… What?”

Now it was a confused what.

“Uh, never mind,” you laughed awkwardly, putting your phone back on your nightstand. “Anyway, Jungkook, you made me realize things about myself, and I love being around you, but I thought a handsome guy like you would want to date a pretty girl, and I’m not really that.”

Jungkook furrowed his brows. “What are you talking about? You’re the prettiest girl in the world. No one could ever be prettier than you.”

You felt your neck heat. “Yo, don’t inflate my ego when it’s not the truth,” you chuckled sheepishly, waving a hand. “You’ve been drinking anyway. Alcohol makes everyone prettier.”

“It’s the truth.”

Was he drunk or were you drunk? Why was Jeon Jungkook getting closer?

“Would you really date me?”

You stared into those chocolate eyes and smiled.

“Yes, I would.”

And you leaned forward and kissed him.

His eyes widened, staring at you and you closed your eyes, pressing your lips to his, inhaling his scent, memories of hot summers and mirthful laughter filling your head, standing beside Jungkook and kicking Jimin and Taehyung’s ass at table tennis even though Jungkook was doing most of the work, finishing a movie together after Jimin and Taehyung had passed out on the couch on top of each other and talking excitedly about it until you both fall asleep, getting lamb skewers after Jimin and Taehyung went off to eat ramen in a huff, unable to agree on the same meal as a foursome, but it was fine, no, better than fine, perfect even.

Because you were with Jungkook.

You broke the kiss and opened your eyes, smiling at him.

He blinked slowly, looking down at you.

“Noona…”

His hand raised, fingers spreading out longingly. You quickly reached up and pushed it back down.

“Jungkook, I swear, I do want to touch you in a less than holy way, but maybe not when you’re wearing my dad’s clothes, including his underwear, because that’s really fucking weird.”

Jungkook looked down at the brown t-shirt and beige shorts. “Oh. Yeah. Right.”

“You know, come to think of it, I feel like Taehyung has slowly stolen Jimin from me over the years, so maybe this was fated…” you mumbled, remembering at the moments you had shared with Jungkook were because your other two friends had abandoned you.

“I feel you, sometimes I feel like a third wheel…”

-

“I’m so sleepy.”

“I’ll tuck you in first, but I’m going to get us some water so we don’t die tomorrow morning.”

“Ugh, Jimin, bring another pillow please.”

“Hah, fine, but you’re buying breakfast tomorrow…”

--

masterpost

[lululawrence]

Can u please be nicer on ao3? Maybe you should try answering people's comments

when i read the first line i was honestly flabbergasted and wracking my brain trying to figure out when in the world i wasn't nice on ao3 ever. because i honestly truly try to be nice to everyone always, even when i'm angry or frustrated or people are going after those i love and want to protect. if there was a time i WASN'T nice on ao3, i wondered if it was maybe because my comment had been misunderstood or someone saw me razzing an author i'm good friends with and they didn't get that we are close and i said what i did with so much love and appreciation, you know? like what??? did i do???

but then i read your second line. and please forgive me if i come off as rude in my response to this, because honestly i'm in a pretty bad spot mentally and emotionally in general right now, but PARTICULARLY today, and this ask triggered an anxiety response in me. so. i'm trying really hard to word this in a way to educate without being condescending or mean, but i might not succeed.

firstly, thank you for your comments i'm assuming you've left. i'm also assuming they were nice comments, in which case extra thanks. i'm sure i'll send you effusive responses on ao3 when the time comes.

secondly, please understand that sending an ask like this, on anonymous no less, is incredibly entitled. writing is not my profession, i receive no compensation for my works that i post for free online, and as a part of that it is not required of me to respond. i do my very best to reply to every comment i receive, but it is not always in a timely manner, because i have other priorities in my life. all of which leads us to my third point, which is:

writers do not owe you a reply to your comments. end of. there are no other qualifications or quantifying modifiers to be added to the statement. is it nice to be acknowledged and know your comment was seen? sure. but do they OWE you one? hell no.

in fact, i'd like to offer you a suggestion. a way of tweaking your thinking about the comments you leave on fics. instead of looking at comments you leave as being something that deserves a reply from the author, think of your comments as your way of paying the author for the gift of their time and talents that they have shared with you by posting their fic. that's how i think of the comments i leave for authors. i'm giving them my thanks for the words they've shared! i want to help THEM feel as amazing as they have made ME feel when i read their fic. in fact, my hope isn't necessarily a response from them, but instead my hope is THE GIFT OF THEM SHARING MORE FIC WITH ME. i'm a selfish bitch in that way and i always want all the fic to read. i never want that well to go dry. one way i can ensure that doesn't happen is by supporting authors and being kind to them and spreading all the love and excitement i can about their writing in the hopes that my words will inspire them to share more.

because whether they reply or not, i GUARANTEE they are seeing your comments. i PROMISE they are. and for all you know, your comment might be the one that keeps them writing even when their words aren't coming easily or when they are tempted to give up.

but, again, please remember that no matter what, these authors (including me) don't actually owe you anything.

the rest of this is going under a cut, because honestly my reply is already far too long and i have a LOT more to say now that you've gotten me started.

now, all of this in mind, i'll explain to you why i'm not great with keeping up with comments made on my fics the last couple of years. i don't owe you this explanation any more than i owe you a response to your comments, and i'm honestly not sure you deserve this explanation either, but i'll still offer it anyway. it'll help me feel better knowing i at least put this out there, whether you care or not, mainly because if i don't do that it will cause me greater anxiety having you possibly think i am not responding to people because i feel all high and mighty or that i think i'm better than the comments or whatever the fuck kind of motivation you're attributing to me to see my lack of a response as something "not nice" towards the commenters.

i'm not sure if you've noticed, but i put out a lot of fic. like a lot. a lot of words and shit. i love writing, it's often my therapy and a way for me to help keep my anxiety and depression and ptsd at bay.

now, more personal shit for you, i've got three kids ages 9 and under. the oldest has adhd which we have yet to find a med for that helps to the extent she needs without side effects that aren't healthy for her to continue with, she also has anxiety, AND she's extremely gifted and starting a new program at a new school, all in the midst of a pandemic. and all of those situations exacerbate her anxiety! huzzah! she's also dealing with the beginning of her tween growing up shit, which is great fun because it means where she used to be pretty damn understanding of her younger brother, she is finding it much more difficult to. because the second oldest? he's autistic with some pretty significant gross motor, speech, and socialization delays that have only been exacerbated because of the previously mentioned pandemic. PLUS he transitioned from his special needs preschool to a fully integrated elementary school for kindergarten last year and then had to deal with all the ups and downs of the switch from e-learning to hybrid to all in schooling when everything in him screams for a normal schedule he can rely on to keep his own anxieties and fears and struggles at their minimum. and that youngest child? he was born in january of last year. he STILL barely leaves the house and has only met other children in close range a couple of times because, once again, pandemic!

add onto all of this my own mental health issues, the fact that my husband ALSO battles major clinical depression, adhd, and anxiety, AND we live with my parents who have their own health issues, both mental and physical. i run the home for our house of seven. i keep this place functioning, fed, clothed, clean, and everywhere we need to be for all of our five million appointments every. fucking. day. there is a REASON i've been borderline burnt out for the last fucking year and a half.

now, for fun, i have fandom shit. i love it here, even if it is a dumpster fire on the best of days, and getting to be a part of the writing community is so very lovely. i adore it. honestly, it's because of those friendships i've built with other writers that i have been able to keep writing and have found just how helpful it can be for my mental health. but i'm REALLY. INCREDIBLY. BUSY. i hardly have time to get on tumblr for just a quick swipe through my dash most days. i put off asks so long i forget i have them. i don't have the mental and emotional capacity to talk to people on here or interact fully a lot of the time. but i do my best to do so and be kind while i'm at it even when i don't want to be.

then, on top of that? i also run fic fests like @wordplayfics and help friends run their own. because not only am i a writer, i'm a reader. i LOVE fic. fic has saved me soooooo many times over the past seven years that i've been here. i want to do what i can to support other writers the best way i can, which is to provide a space for them to create their works that welcomes and helps promote them, but also by doing my monthly fic lists and pocast highlighting what i've been able to read, reblogging their fic posts, and then commenting and kudosing their fics too.

sometimes i get really fucking down on myself because i'm so behind on replying to comments, but my brain is very much a "if you start this, you have to finish it" kind of a brain, and i feel even WORSE sometimes if i reply to comments on some fics and not all of them. but i do my best and reply when i can. i was actually really fucking proud of myself because i had a couple days to myself in june, and i spent hours replying to comments on 20 of my fics. when you have almost 150 fics (i think? i don't even know how many fics i've posted by now), that is only scratching the surface. but i tried and i was so so happy i did that many fics at once. it's exhausting, though, and takes a lot of spoons for me to reply to them in mass like that plus time consuming. so i tried to be happy with those 20 fics and the comments i responded to there and told myself that when i ha a moment to breathe, i'd go and work on replying to some more.

but see, that again causes anxiety and guilt. because i haven't replied to all of them. and that anxiety and guilt can cause me to put it off further OR to put off important things like feeding my children or getting sleep in order to finish it, so i have to make myself put things into perspective and ensure i'm doing the important things, like taking care of myself and my family, first.

and then, i have a moment where i CAN go ahead and reply to comments... but i also have MANY fics that are on deadline and i actually have a schedule. a SCHEDULE. for when i'm going to focus on which fics. i can spell it out for you if you really want. i made it back in APRIL to make sure i didn't sign up for too many fic fests because there are so many going on right now that i want to participate in, but i know i can't do all of them so i had to pick and choose. and when you are SO overscheduled and busy that back in APRIL you had to figure out what fics you would focus on at what time to ensure you got everything written when you wanted to through THE END OF THE YEAR, more choices have to be made.

for example. my writing time and time for myself came down to only one evening a week for ALL fandom things i'm doing and a part of right now once the kids were out of school for the summer. it quickly became apparent that for my own self care i needed more time, so i worked with my husband to find two other days i could carve out at least 30-60 minutes to myself to write every week. and i did. but if i'm already only getting that much time and have committed to those fics and fests and things that you're running etc, you have to choose am i going to use this time to try to squeeze in some comment replies? or am i going to write? and i choose to write. simple as that.

so yeah. see it as selfish if you want. see it as mean. you can honestly see it as whatever the fuck you want, but for me? i know that as soon as i possibly can and i can breathe freely for once and not feel like i am constantly drowning in my day to day life and am doing pretty well when it comes to my fic deadlines and getting started on those christmas cards i'm once again going to be making by hand for everyone on tumblr who chooses to sign up for one this year out of the KINDNESS of my heart and the love i really do feel for so many of you, then i promise i'll be on ao3 catching up and commenting. my friends laugh and make fun of me for it sometimes, because they will sometimes get 10-12 replies to their comments in a single day. they know that's how i work. i WILL reply to every single comment i get, no matter how old it is. but for the love of all that is holy, do NOT add to the anxiety and guilt i already feel over it. the only place that will get you is the ask/comment getting deleted if it's a good day, a fucking long rant like this one if it's not, and a block if it's a REALLY bad day.

if you're asking me to be nice on ao3, then i ask in return that you also be nice by not demanding things of people that they are not in any way obligated to give.