#I’m legit gonna cry like these past few months have been so stressful but it was all worth it

[retro-rezz-the-est]

wow, I’m really graduating today….

B.S. of Engineering in Computer Engineering :3

The first ever engineer in my whole family as well like…go me fr

[arvinsescape]

Late.

A/N: As always i hope you enjoy. First time writing genuine arsehole Tom. You can now read a follow up if you want here.

Summary: Tom’s late for dinner, reader has had enough. Tom makes a mistake but it all works out in the end.

W/C: 2.2K

Warnings: Swearing.

“Tom Holland spotted with new girlfriend after breakup with ex.”

“Tom Holland on night out with new girlfriend.”

“Is Tom Holland finally over his ex?”

You saw the headlines and wanted to throw your phone at a wall. You and Tom had dated for two years and broken it off a couple of months ago, it was sad and it was messy a row where you both said things you shouldn’t have.

“Seriously Tom?” You shouted as you threw your hands up, voice hoarse from all the shouting.

“I was late, yes. I get it you were left hanging but I was busy and didn’t finish on time. You need to get some perspective.” He shouted.

“I’m not even upset about that, a quick text would have been nice. But no, you left me sat there like a complete fucking idiot.” You fired back and he rolled his eyes.

“I have had a stressful enough day as it is. I don’t need you adding to it. You’re behaving like a bratty child and you knew what you were getting yourself into.”

“Seriously? That’s you’re defence? I knew what I was getting into, so what, I’m just supposed to accept it?” You asked in disbelief.

“Yeah, you know you could really use getting some more friends. You can’t just rely on me all the time.” He snapped and your heart dropped. You had friends, but not many, you’d been bullied a lot through high school and therefore kept a small circle of people you trusted and he knew that.

“They were busy.” You fired back.

“Were they? Or are they just sick of listening to you go on?” He shouted and that stung, it was a huge insecurity of yours, you always feared people didn’t truly like you.

“You know what Tom? You are so far stuck up your own arse that it’s embarrassing. I’m glad you and your foul fucking mood didn’t make it tonight.” You shouted, you were close to tears but you didn’t want to cry in front of him, not right now.

“Yeah well at least I fucking do something with my life.” He shouted back and you couldn’t stop the tears at that. You’d recently turned down a promotion to move to New York so that you could see him as often as you still did, it felt like he was throwing it back in your face.

“You are a vain, arrogant, selfish, stuck up arsehole.” You said back as your voice cracked, his eyes instantly snapped to yours as he heard your voice crack. His anger washed away completely as he realised exactly what it was he’d just said to you. He took a careful step towards you as he spoke.

“Baby, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that.” You cried when you heard the softness in his voice. A stark contrast from seconds ago.

“Don’t ‘baby’ me you arsehole. I’m going to stay at Lizzie’s.” You said as you picked up your bag, going into the bedroom and stuffing whatever clothes touched your hands into it, he was hot on your trail.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean that. It was out of line, I’m sorry.” He kept trying. When you were done you turned to look at him.

“Those were possibly some of the worst things you could have said to me. Thank you for playing on the insecurities that I told you about in confidence. I greatly fucking appreciate it.” You snapped, your tears were unstoppable and he felt awful.

“Y/N please. Just calm down and we’ll talk about it yeah?” He was crying now and you turned to make your way towards the front door. You turned to look at him one last time before you spoke.

“Until you’ve sorted your attitude out, I don’t wanna see you.” You said as you slammed the door shut and left for Lizzie’s.

He had tried to call you, many times after that. He showed up at Lizzie’s a week later but she wouldn’t let him in. You cried for weeks and just as you thought you were getting better, that you weren’t missing him the same, you saw that he had a new girlfriend. You’d noticed he’d tried to ring you a couple of times this morning but you’d ignored it. Your twitter mentions had gone through the roof for the first time since you’d split and you couldn’t help but look at them.

Dam that girl looks like Y/N but less attractive.

Y/N is naturally prettier I have to say.

Looking at the pictures, I think it’s just a hook up.

She’s far prettier than Y/N, well done Tommy.

That girl legit looks the spit of Y/N, I don’t think he’s over her.

It looks like Tom took Y/N and upgraded her.

I feel bad for the amount of hate Y/N’s getting, leave her be guys, we don’t know why they split up or how she’ll be feeling about this, I know I’d be heartbroken.

You furrowed your brows as you opened one of the pictures and in all fairness they weren’t wrong, she held a lot of similarities but she was far prettier and it made your heart ache. You still liked that some of his fans were supportive, some had been quite defensive of you. Tom had been vague about why you’d split up but never once denied it was his fault.

Then a tweet caught your eye because you noticed that Harry had retweeted it.

Please don’t bother Y/N with this. We know Tom said it was his fault as to why they broke up. We know that they loved each other and I think Tom might have made a mistake. Please respect that they are both still probably hurting and we should leave them alone.

Why was Harry retweeting something about this? Sure, he’d been supportive of you but not in public. Please respect that they are both still probably hurting. Was Tom still hurting? Apart from this morning he hadn’t tried to reach out at all in three weeks, you thought that was his way of saying he was over it. That was until you opened your voicemail and saw that Tom had left one last night. You sighed as you brought the phone up to your ear.

“Hi baby, sorry Y/N. I shouldn’t call you that anymore.” He was drunk and he was crying, that much you could tell. “Erm, you didn’t pick your phone up, not that I blame you. I wouldn’t if you said that shit to me. Listen, you’re gonna see some stuff tomorrow that I’m not proud of but you probably won’t get the whole truth and I want you to know what happened.” He sniffled a few times and your heart ached, he’d wanted to tell you first and you’d not answered.

“So I got really drunk tonight, as you can probably tell. I met this girl and she looked like you, she wasn’t you but she looked like you. She was really nice actually but that’s beside the point. You’re probably gonna see the pictures of me kissing her outside that club and I’m sorry. I know we’re not together but I haven’t moved on and I don’t want you to think I have.” You were crying as you listened to him, he sounded like he was in so much pain.

“I still love you, like a lot and I’m sorry. I brought her here and when we were about to sleep together I couldn’t do it. She was in our bed Y/N/N, that’s your place, not hers and I just couldn’t do it. I cried and she was really nice, she told me to call you. So here I am. Well, she said I should call you tomorrow when I was sober but I was hoping I’d hear your voice. Your voicemail will have to do I suppose. I love you and I miss you and I’m sorry I was such a prick. I didn’t mean it.”

You ended the call because you couldn’t listen anymore, he sounded like he was in so much pain and it made your heart sink into the pit of your stomach. He really was hurting as much as you were, maybe more. You were pulled out of your thoughts as your phone buzzed. Tom. You hesitated for a second before you answered.

“Hey.” You said in the best voice of happiness you could muster.

“Y/N? I didn’t think you’d answer.” He sniffled, was he crying again?

“Yeah, I erm, I got your voicemail.” You said and you heard as he let out a sob.

“I’m sorry. That wasn’t fair, I didn’t mean to spill all that, I only rang you with the intent of explaining what you’ve probably seen this morning. I shouldn’t have done that, I know you’re trying to move on so I shouldn’t have told you that I still love you.” He rambled through his sobs and your heart broke.

“Tom, it’s okay. I think I can forgive you for leaving an emotional voicemail.” You laughed through your tears and you heard him let out a choked laugh too.

“Can I see you? You don’t have to come here and I don’t have to come to you but can we meet somewhere neutral please? Even if it’s just for closure?” He was begging and you knew deep down you couldn’t say no even if you wanted to.

“Okay. How about that coffee shop we both like?” You said.

“Okay, gimme an hour?” The hope in his voice was enough to lift your heart slightly.

An hour later and you found yourself awkwardly sat at a table with Tom as you sipped your coffee.

“I’m sorry.” He sighed as he ran a hand through his hair. “I mean it. I shouldn’t have said what I said, it was so fucking wrong of me. I shouldn’t have used your insecurities like that, it was a dick move. You’re right I was being an arrogant, selfish arsehole and you deserved better, I understand why you left me.” He said as he looked at you, you could see the tears brimming and watched as he swallowed them back.

“It hurt Tom.” You said in response. “But you weren’t completely wrong either, I did rely on you too much, I pushed you harder than I should have at times and I know how hard you work.”

“Y/N, you just wanted me to be there when I said I was going to be, that’s not relying on me too much, that’s just asking me to be your boyfriend.” He sighed again.

“But you were right, there was always a chance that what would happen happened and I should have been more understanding.” You said as you looked at him again.

“I should have sent you a text and for that I’m sorry but it wasn’t like it was the first time it happened. I was so wrapped up in the film that I didn’t think much past it and I’m sorry for that. I shouldn’t have thrown you turning down that promotion at you either, I know you did that for us.” He said and he meant it, you knew he did, he may have been a fantastic actor but he always had this look in his eye when he was being completely genuine and vulnerable, one he couldn’t fake.

“It’s okay. I think we both needed to learn some things when we broke up.” You sighed as you sat in silence again, it felt more comfortable this time.

“I’m sorry about last night, the voicemail, the girl. All of it.” He said.

“It’s okay. In fairness you don’t have to apologise about the girl, you are single.” You tried to joke and he tensed.

“No but I didn’t want you to think I’d moved on, you deserve better than that. As for being single, please don’t remind me.” He huffed slightly, you could see the pain, it was all over his face. You missed him dearly and he seemed so genuine about how sorry he was. You sighed before you spoke up again.

“How about I let you take me to dinner tomorrow night? You know start over?” You mumbled and his face lit up in the most genuine way you’d ever seen.

“Seriously? You wanna try again?” He was smiling now and you realised how much you’d missed seeing it.

“I’m prepared to try again but take it slowly.” You admitted.

“Whatever you want.” He was nodding profusely, it almost looked comical. “What time? I won’t be late I promise.”

“7?” You asked as you stood to collect your bag.

“I’ll be there at ten to.” He smiled as you made you’re way out of the coffee shop.

[camphorror]

i only turned on my laptop so i could type this read more actually.... some weird realisation. putting the internet aside because i’ve probably talked about this a lot in some contexts online but i have not talked to anyone irl about my father’s dying probably ever... yeah i know it probably idk. means something not great about my emotional connectedness with people or whatever but whatever. like all my friends know about it but it is never discussed and i guess it’s ok? whatever. i think the only person i ever told something a bit more to until the past few months is the gemini... he is also the only person i ever told that my father had schizophrenia once when we discussed drugs and mental health.. i dont think i will ever tell this to anyone else tbh just like some other stuff wrt my father i cannot even type online on even the most private of private forums but anyway.

anyway. a few months ago i told a***d about my father it was just like. the general knowledge of died from brain cancer but also i think i may have mentioned something related to emotions and how it felt when he was still alive and meeting him (i think i mentioned it because we were on the wave of personal stuff because he told me some things too) and how weird it felt like meeting some imposter of someone you used to know. anyway earlier we were walking past where we usually go and he said ‘if we continue we’re gonna end up right near [one hospital in hai.fa thats by the sea]’ and then we somehow started discussing hospitals and i told him something i probably never told anyone ever how i for ages had really bad associations with this whole area of the hai.fa beach because when i first met my father after years after he had like brain cancer surgery and was legit a zombie it was at that hospital we mentioned and we met him outside at this balcony that was right by the beach and i just remember how awful that meeting was and that day was and for ages it was like my biggest association with the beach especially in that area there... it was just bad because it reminded me of it....

like not gonna lie it still does especially the area i think of it’s not even really close to that hospital probably needs like 20 mins walking but it looks similar enough to be upsetting. honestly i’ve gone to the beach there plenty of times since that day in 2013 and it always somehow felt like kind of melancholic to me... i went there a lot when i was very very stressed before i started uni, i went there a few times when i had entire mental breakdowns and started telling people i’m gonna drown myself and just sat there crying... i think i mostly went there when i was like extremely especially depressed... it sounds stupid and perhaps lame but it feels like the whole going to the beach thing got a new positive association to me because of a***d... like even from the very first time we went together after work in like may when i didn’t wanna go back home lol. i didnt tell him any of the parts in this paragraph btw i am not that insane but i am like realising this as i am typing... like i still think it is fun to go alone and walk by myself it is serene and good for the brain but it does not feel sad anymore... like all along the way it kinda just reminds me of him now? which is maybe sad in another way if i think about it in a way that makes me sad but it is good in other ways like friendships i guess. idk it’s almost 1 am it’s been a Day

[avelera]

Hi! I love going through your ADHD tag. A lot of it is so informative but I like reading your personal experiences and seeing that I'm not the only one feeling the way I am. So, thank you for putting that out there! I had a question for you regarding the diagnosis of ADHD and, please if you feel uncomfortable or don't want to answer, please feel free to just ignore this! For over 5-6 years, I've been quite sure that I have ADHD. However, in the past (and currently, actually) I haven't been in a position to seek out a therapist or get a diagnosis. I've also heard it's really expensive to get a diagnosis. Would you be okay with talking about how you found someone to talk to about a potential diagnosis and what the process of getting a diagnosis looks like? I found some stuff online but it's been pretty vague and generally along the lines of "it differs on a case-by-case basis." Thank you, again, for the tag and for all the stuff you write! <3

Hey there Anon! Happy to share my experience.

Ok, so here's the privileges I had which might mitigate the value of my advice in some situations but 1) I'm in the US (specifically, the northeast) where ADHD is taken pretty seriously and while not spoken of openly in all professional circles, getting a diagnosis in most cases doesn't run up against cultural taboos that would prevent treatment 2) I have health insurance through my job and 3) I was in a position to seek therapy when I got my diagnosis for unrelated life stuff. It was the therapist who referred me to a psychiatrist who got me meds and later I found this AMAZING psychiatrist in my area who helped me work through multiple medications until I found the right fit (however, she had a 4 month waitlist before I could work with her. Worth it! But I had an ongoing prescription during that time, I just wasn't sure it was the right one).

Gonna cut here to go into more specifics:

- I was diagnosed when I mentioned to my therapist (while pretty much shaking with fear that I would look like some kind of amphetamine addict looking for a fix or a kid looking for party drugs) that I kinda sorta maybe had ADHD destroying my life and she basically went, "Oh yeah, that's been obvious since Day 1 when you wouldn't look me in the eye while speaking." So... lol, basically you're probably not nearly as subtle as you think to a trained professional if you have it.

- When I dared to ask if she could help me get medication her response was, "Yeah, sure, here's a number, call them and tell them I sent you as a referral." It was that difficult.

- That person kinda sucked and there's a bunch of annoying bureaucracy BUT when I mentioned this to my general practitioner doctor he was like "If they suck I can hold you over with prescriptions until you find a new person." No, he did not question me. Literally no actual medically trained person I've ever spoken to has shown any concern that I might be lying or faking or whatever, they've all be scrupulously helpful and even apologetic at all the hoops.

- The first time I tried Adderall I had a near out-of-body experience with how easy life suddenly became. Fear of emails just melted away. I got a week's worth of work that had been HAUNTING me done in an afternoon. HOWEVER, that level of euphoria only happened the one time, and that's pretty universal that you'll cry with relief the first time you use it then if you don't get the right medication you will chase that high incorrectly. For me, the correct medication turned out to be extended-release, 25 mg (relatively low) generic adderall and this is after a year of the "fancier" Vyvanse that was supposed to be smoother (and it was, compared to single release adderall which made me want to chew nails I was so stressed).

- The downside with ANY single release for me though, it turned out (even relatively smooth Vyvanse) was that when I crashed at the end of the day I absolutely craved alcohol, or sugar, some kind of pick-me-up. I thought I was an alcoholic. I was legit scared by how bad I needed alcohol at the end of the day, until I switched to slow release and the cravings just melted away. I still like drinking but the craving went away once I was no longer crashing and I've been so much better since.

- My advice to people is: if your circumstances don't preclude you (financially, culturally, etc.) drop a few inquiries to psychiatrists in your area. They will not laugh at you. They will not report you. Just say you think you have ADHD and you'd like professional help seeing if your self-diagnosis is correct and getting medication if so (which is why you need a psychiatrist, not a therapist. Therapists can't necessarily get you a prescription). Every medical professional I've worked with has been enormously helpful and understanding, your brain is lying to you when it says you're going to get arrested or something for just asking. That is dumb. That is desperation-brain, not reality.

Put out a few requests so if someone is overloaded or busy you have backups. You will have to do a couple scary professional emails or calls, maybe speak to your insurance, but I PROMISE you it is worth it. The light at the end of the tunnel is you have to do this one scary thing but the reward is this thing will never be scary again after.

And it is totally, totally worth it.

[deathbled]

💍 + averey & lenalee o vo

@lunaetis​    /    wedding meme send me 💍 + A SHIP and i’ll tell you—

where they get married

it takes place in a beautiful garden near where they first met; averey was surprisingly stubborn about that because, in his words, “where they met is where his life started” and honestly lenalee probably won’t say no to that logic (plus he probably used the puppy dog eyes, he’s not above that)

when they get married ( ie what time of day, what month and season etc. )

it’s late spring, early evening some day in mid-april, to be exact, where the trees bloom & the flowers slowly come out of their slumber. it wasn’t planned like that, per-se, but things happen and sometimes the most beautiful things take place at unexpected times.

what traditions they include ( do they get married under a chuppah and crush a glass, garter toss, ‘something borrowed, something blue,’ etc. )

i’m honestly unsure about this because i feel like while they probably would include some traditions it wouldn’t be as big a deal as for other people; maybe they both drink wine from goblets tied together with red string or, and he’s only doing it very lowkey because he’s embarrassed but where averey is from there’s the tradition of carving wooden spoons for your loved one and decorating them with things like key insignia ( to signify they have the key to your heart ) so maybe that plays a part? i’m honestly stumped with this one otherwise because i can promise you even after looking up wedding traditions i have absolutely no idea about wedding traditions :’)

or there’s the whole “testing the groom” thing kamui might’ve been involved with planning

what their wedding cake looks like

it is either incredibly cute or absolutely extravagant and even now i’m not sure if it’s a 50/50 decision vote like most things are with them or if they just play rock-paper-scissors to settle which one to go for. though if avereys “boss” gets to have a say it’s literally the most over-the-top cake and i’m screaming and laughing over this one

….who smashes cake into whose face

i want to say lenalee smashes cake into avereys cake but honestly i’m 100% convinced averey accidentally smashes cake into his own face in a moment of inattentiveness.

who proposed to who first

OKAY SO. THERE’S TWO SCENARIOS I CAN SEE.

they both did at the same time actually because it was kind of a “you know if i could i’d marry you right now” -”i’m not stopping you” situation that ended with “so we’re getting married?” but in like, during a picnic or something and it sounds a lot less cute than it was because trust me it was cute and wholesome. either that or one of them prepared to propose to the other, the other found the ring and then proposed first in a classic uno reverse card move.

or it was averey but only because he asked lenalee if it was okay and she was just so confused and like “yeS?” and then it happened and turns out this dumb nerd had everything prepared already but was just nervous so it’s not even a surprise but he’d rather ask if it’s okay for him to ask then ask at a wrong time

who walks down the aisle and who waits at the altar ( or neither )

i want to say it’s the classic thing but i’m so sure averey insisted the walk down the aisle together just because he hates the traditional view most cultures have on the bride being “given away” into another mans care so he just was as stubborn as a mule about walking with her

what their wedding dresses / suits / other look like

can i say wildcard for this one because i actually have no idea. i thought about it for thirty minutes now and i literally have no clue other than given that avereys birthplace doesn’t even really do weddings he’d just stress so much about what to wear he’d probably be annoying a little bit before he just kinda settles on “i’m going to ask the fanciest people i know but at the same time i am ready to cry how to fashion....”

what their wedding colour scheme is and what sort of decor they have

it’s definitely a more red & gold theme; the decor is perhaps one of the most traditional things & once again i am not sure what else to say other than they kept it classy but also very eye-catching??? idk 

what flowers are in the bouquet ( if applicable. bonus: what do the flowers mean? )

okay so to start off it’s not in the bouquet but averey has a sprig of thyme in his pocket for “good luck”, there’s probably red peonys in there, perhaps some pink roses, DEFINITELY at least one white carnation, and a pink hydrangea. 

the red peonys stand for love, passion, honor and respect. the pink roses symbolize gratitude, grace & joy, white carnations symbolize purity, good luck & in wedding contexts pure love. pink hydrangeas symbolize heartfelt emotion. i’m not a florist, trust me.

what their vows are ( eg poetry, traditional, improvised etc. )

they’re actually improvised! i’d get the feeling at least one of the two had vows prepared but instead went spontaneous as soon as it came to saying them out loud. actually, i can see that happening with both of them i don’t know why.

if anyone’s late to the wedding

surprisingly enough, no. nobody would dare be late. they know better than that :)

who’s in the bridal parties / groomsmen / other

oh god here comes my absolute lack of knowledge with d. gray man characters AND the fact averey has literally like 2 people he hangs out with on the regular but i think in the bridal party there’d definitely be miranda? maybe kanda because i can see him refusing to be a groomsmen but they insisted he’d be involved. if this is a verse where the princess averey was serving is healthy & they finally get to be friends without one of them constantly under the threat of death then definitely her too!!

as for groomsmen there’s probably allen, lavi, a very grumpy kamui and one of the rookie knights from avereys training.

and yes i hope it shows i have no idea how weddings are??? structured???

what their bridal party / groomsmen / other are wearing

the bridal party wears a pastel shade of pink just because they def ain’t gonna wear white or red dresses and anything else would legit just clash with the color theme.

the groomsmen all wear a simple suit because honestly all of them made suggestions and it would’ve turned into a disaster because they’re tastes are so vastly different so eventually both lenalee and averey just were like “how about,,, we keep it,,,, simple,,,”

who gives speeches at the reception ( bonus: what do they say? recount a sweet memory or two between them? tell an embarrassing story? )

well i mean, honestly? i think they both give small welcoming speeches until the others get a turn and then it’s just kamui going, allen giving a speech, avereys rookie friend whom i decided is now called lynell and uhh, a few others probably want to have a god but honestly therE’S NO TIME......

who catches the bouquet( s )

i mean i want to say a serious answer but just for shits and giggles i’m gonna say kanda.

what their wedding photos are like ( are they sweet, with the couple holding hands or kissing or ~gazing into each others eyes~? are they silly, with a snapshot of the ‘cake-smash’ moment? or are they artistic, with one of them facing the sunset or holding their bouquets? )

okay so most of them are sweet and absolutely the cutest pictures ever but there’s definitely a picture of averey accidentally cake-smashing himself so....

what sort of food they have at the reception

it’s an 8 course banquet and honestly i don’t even know what exactly it’d entail i just know they went all out and if i dwell on this ask any longer i’ll be hungry i’m so sorry i just can’t do food asks past midnight i’ll turn into a gremlin

who cries first during the ceremony

can averey cry first if he’s been crying this whole time?

how wild their reception gets ( who dances the best, who gets drunk first, etc. )

it’s a tame kind of wild; there’s a dance off and definitely some drunken shenanigans but nobody goes absolutely crazy

what their rings are like

FINALLY MY FAVORITE THING I KNOW THINGS ABOUT. averey made them himself and he’s super proud and yes it took literal months but look at them,, he tried to keep them simple but elegant so they don’t get in the way of work, too. i’m crying.

what sort of favours they have ( heart shaped sparklers, mini champagne bottles, personalised candy etc. )

uH,,, UHHHHHHHHHHHH, personalised candy probably but also most definitely mini champagne bottles if just because it fit with the theme or something---

where they go for their honeymoon

they actually travel for a while! they couldn’t decide where exactly to go so instead they just decided to pick the places they wanted to see the most and then travel there for a bit

something memorable that happens during the party / ceremony ( do they run out of ice and someone goes to get it in full formal wear on foot, does anyone fall asleep in the middle of the party, etc. )

averey not only accidentally cake smashes himself he also manages to accidentally use the cake leftovers on his hand like hairgel because he was careless and ran said hand through his hair

THEY DID manage to get it out for the most part though so it’s all good---

who officiates the ceremony

can i pick wildcard again because other than the classic “a priest” i don’t actually have anything in mind other than perhaps the bishop that took averey under his wing to help him with his curse a short time before averey and lenalee met??

what song their first dance is to

OKAY SO I THOUGHT ABOUT THIS ONE SUPER LONG but i honestly think it’d be to “for the dancing & the dreaming” if just because it’s super cute and also they’d probably sing along thank you for coming to my ted talk

who gives who away as they walk down the aisle

i mean given that they walk the aisle down together i don’t think anyone gives anyone away but if it came down to it you already know the answer

[lululawrence]

lululawrence’s April 2019 Fic List

Click here for previous months’ fic lists

Guess who’s back, back again... I actually wrote that when I drafted this post a month ago and I’m keeping it cause it’s funny ahhaha So this month has been a ride, hasn’t it? I’ve read some amazing fic though, so I’m super excited to talk about it with you! I read quite a few from the Shake Off the Dust collection as well as fics from the beginning of round 2 of @onedirectionbigbang and other various things as I tried and failed to keep up with all the new fic coming out haha We are so blessed to have so much amazing fic. So, without further ado, here are the fics I read and loved this month!

Hazy by @nikogda / nikogda This fic was written for me because I was anxious one day and they saw a post referring to it and they wrote this as a soothing fic for me and lemme tell ya, IT WORKED. It was so soft and... well... hazy. haha I loved it. A great fic to come back to on a rough day, for sure!

Keep Your Hands Up, So I Can See by @goodmorningtoyouuniverse / GMTYUniverse This fic was such a great HP AU! It was enemies to lovers with a touch of misunderstanding and frustrations and just all the good things with cameos by some of our favorite characters from the original series! I loved it very much a lot. It threw me into the world and made me smile quite a bit.

it's in his kiss by @disgruntledkittenface / disgruntledkittenface This is where Maggie took what she wrote through requests on ask and posted them to ao3 for the kiss meme and lemme tell ya! There’s some ships she wrote that I never felt a desire for, and she wrote them so perfectly that I almost started shipping them hahahaa Each chapter is it’s own little world and it pulled me in so entirely that they felt like full fics! How does she do that in such few words? I dunno. But they’re all glorious. Every last one. Defo a great read when things are hard too, i’d read a chapter when I had a moment and it made my busy, stressful days so much better.

Nothing's Gonna Stop Us Now by @allwaswell16 / allwaswell16 I think this one was written for the short fic fest, and I loved it so so much! She describes Harry’s movements as “giraffing about” or something like that and I will never stop laughing about that. Add to it that Harry in the fic legit thought Louis was a mannequin and I just DIE. It’s amazing. Such a silly, fun fic!

Soju (소주) by @gettingaphdinmomo / gettingaphdinlarry This is a Shiall fic that just drew me in. It has such a visual and atmospheric pull to it, like all of her fics do, and it makes you almost feel as if you’re somehow there. I dunno how she does it, but her magic is worked for sure with this fic and I had to just sit there, and process when it ended. A fun, short fic to easily get lost in.

Just Go With It by @rainbowsandlovehl / rainbowslovehl (Larrymateforlife) This fic!!!! Meet Cute heaven! It was light and fluffy and awkward and silly and I loved it so much and for real this Brett character was TOO MUCH. hahahahaha With the added fun of the little jokes like talk of organic guacamole etc and I loved it so much. It was the smile I needed.

All I Want Is To Fall With You by @2tiedships2 / 2tiedships2 Mel keeps posting fics that are so fun! How does she do it? This time the crew takes on a ski trip and Louis has to deal with stupid alphas staying in the same cabin without knowing about it beforehand and of course nothing goes to plan! That’s half the fun, though, right? Besides. The alphas aren’t that bad. haha

Do You Wanna Ride by @phd-mama / phdmama She wrote this fic for @justalittlelouislove and I screamed reading it the whole time. I took so long reading it because I kept stopping to scream and share how uncomfortable I was over the obvious awkwardness and sexual tension and it was just SO SO SO GOOD. The embarrassment just gahhhhhhh I loved it.

Strawberries & Cigarettes by @dimpled-halo / dimpled_halo A year later I FINALLY read this and I loved it as much as I knew I would. I wanted pain, and it gave it to me! It gave me pain and healing and a gorgeous story. It was such a great read, I’m so so happy I finally had the time to dedicate to it because it was just. So much of everything I love.

Let It Down by @red--special / red_special This fic has also been on my to read list for ages and I am also so so happy I got to read it finally! It was such a great fic and so much fun and so sexy and funny and awkward and I wanted to bask in it a little longer. It was so so good. hahahaha I keep thinking about the tattoo and I can’t stop giggling. Just do yourself a favor and read this fic. haha

Like A Siren In The Night by @crazyupsetter / whoknows This is an a/b/o fic that I could not get enough of or read fast enough. It’s historical, though that doesn’t play a major role, and the playing with the world building was SO MUCH FUN to read. The way their relationship developed as well was just DELICIOUS. I loved every second of it.

please forgive me if my lips quake by @disgruntledkittenface / disgruntledkittenface Girl direction! With a cat! I was heart eyes the entire fic and once again, such feeling was evoked in it that I wanted to just sit and enjoy it for awhile longer. Sigh. What pure enjoyment! I loved it.

I was the King (tonight let it go) by @sadaveniren / SadaVeniren I... Okay listen. lollll I didn’t write this obviously, but it felt like such a self indulgent read I almost wished I had? If that makes sense? It was everything I love. I LOVE the emotional side and thought behind BDSM. Like, that’s most of what makes it so so so interesting and fascinating for me to read, and Sada gave that to us with this fic in DROVES as well as the fighting against natural inclinations etc etc etc. It was just a fab fic and I loved so so so much of it.

Failure to Launch by @all-these-larrythings / Rearviewdreamer Michelle has a way of taking things I don’t know about and making me love them so so so much. This film was one that many I knew loved and I felt mainly meh about it, but I knew if Michelle wrote it I would love it, and I WAS RIGHT. She took all the things I was not fond of in the original and twisted them so it still referenced the original source, but made it so much better. I loved it so so so much because it was so very much like the original film, but also very much her own. 

Come Home to Me by @pocketsunshineharry / ishiplouis I wanted pain, and pain was what I got. I cried and I kept waiting and waiting for things to come together again and they finally did! But WOW the pain leading up to that! It was amazing how much was harnessed in it. I will say, please beware the tags. Some heavy topics are handled in the fic - including some depression/anxiety etc - so please be safe with that. A great read, though! 

fondre ton absence by @scrunchyharry / scrunchyharry OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG I just. I’m a sucker for WWI and WWII period anything. It’s one of my favorite periods in history for the social, political, militaristic, just EVERYTHING historically. I find it fascinating and I adore it. I was both excited and wary how this would go then, knowing how much I love it. Well. I cried the entire way through and was in awe of how the time period and everything was handled. It’s an amnesia friends to lovers wartime period-typical homophobia acknowledging fic which basically means it is my dream fic. I cannot rave about it enough, much less the incredible art that was done by @whenthebodiesspeak!!! It was STUNNING and yeah. Just. Amazing. A masterpiece.

An Unbalanced Force by @kingsofeverything / FullOnLarrie MAROLD HAROLD with art by @goodmorningtoyouuniverse! I cried a few times during this one and it was such a realistic and beautiful and comprehensive view of a relationship, of adulthood, of trying to find love again after, just... all of it. It is a study of flawed individuals trying to make do and learning where their lines are and it is gorgeous. I loved it so so so much and I keep randomly thinking about it. A great fic and worth the wait and teasing she gave us over the months! hahahaha

That's What I'm Here For by @taggiecb / taggiecb ANOTHER DREAM FIC, ANOTHER FIC THAT MADE ME CRY! I cannot rave enough about how this big bang has kicked off, like, I just truly cannot. @noellehenry did a gorgeous moodboard for it as well, and I just. Demisexual farmer Louis who has been on his own for so long he just. Hardly knows how to be social anymore and Harry has to come and teach him and I’m about to give away spoilers so I’ll stop but this fic is so close to my heart, okay? I love love love love love it.

To Carry Onward by @londonfoginacup / LadyLondonderry THIS LITTLE FIC!!! I keep yelling, I know. Sorry not sorry. But for real it’s 500 words and just...so full of love and longing and mystery and hope and I cannot. I love Emmu’s words and worlds and this is no exception.

A Spell and A Spark by @dinosaursmate / dinosaursmate It’s out in the world! This fic was everything I needed when I read it. I was having a really rough time, and I would get to the end of those days and get to read this fic and it soothed me, cheered me, and took me away to another world. It was so much fun and just pure joy to read. And then the art that @londonfoginacup made for it! It was such a great combo of writing and art. Another wonderful fic for big bang!

{insert acclaimed artist} was never even in love anyway by underthesunlight This is the first of several fics I read from the Shake Off the Dust collection and it was such a fun read. It was domestic and silly and soft and it made me smile.

Primtemps by @londonfoginacup / LadyLondonderry She’s just so good, isn’t she? I finished this fic and almost immediately went back to the beginning because I wanted to read it again. It’s so soft and you could almost SMELL what she was describing. It was a perfect read of a perfect day and it made me long for the days in the past that I’d had like it. Glorious.

Taking Care of You (Is My Favorite Thing) by @allthelarrylovex / cherrylarry Niam! Not usually my pairing of choice, but I loved it so much. I also very much identified with the shitty allergies aspect of it as I am dealing with that myself at the moment, so it just had me sitting there nodding like IT REALLY DOES SUCK BABES I GET IT hahaha

You Keep Me Warm by @crinkle-eyed-boo / crinkle-eyed-boo (KimmieRocks) I’ve not read Own the Scars yet, but I still read this despite it being a time stamp, and I’m so glad I did. I loved it and it made me smile. It also made me want to read the original, so I can’t wait until I have a chance to!

Love's Gentle Spring by @laynefaire / Layne Faire (HisDarlin) This is also a continuation! It’s a fun addition to her spring drabbles from last year, which are not necessary to read in order to enjoy this, though it does add to the fun hahaha I loved that little series so much and was very very glad she made this addition!

Housewives of Our Lives by @homosociallyyours / homosociallyyours I’ve never watched any of the housewives shows, but that didn’t matter. As usual Megan wrote a fic that had me wanting to be their friend and hang out with them as they did these ridiculous things because it sounded like such fun. I loved it as well.

A Larry Limerick by @kingsofeverything / FullOnLarrie I know this was mostly silly and to be funny, but I enjoyed it so I’m including it here hahaha

sun, here it comes by @louandhazaf / YesIsAWorld and It's been a long, cold, lonely winter by @kingsofeverything / FullOnLarrie I’m putting both of them here, because if you haven’t read them yet you should. They are two sides of the same story, and I fully recommend you read them in the order I listed them too haha I did and it was wonderful and delightful and basically all things good. SO much fun.

just me, him, and the moon by HazHas4Nips This was cuuuuuuute! I don’t even know what more to say, I just keep sitting here and smiling thinking about it. So I guess if you want a fic that makes you smile, this is a great little one. 

Spring Break by @allwaswell16 / allwaswell16 This fic came out of a partially true story and it was so much fun to finally be able to read what Anitra did with it haha I was giggling and loving it so so much the entire way. As usual. Can’t go wrong.

What's Mine is Yours by @uhohmorshedios / yeah_alright This fic is listed as a Narry fic, and it is, but it’s Narry friendship which made me giggle so so so much! hahaha It was so funny and the way Harry was described and Niall’s just...almost annoyance? I can’t even explain. It’s so much fun. 

Latching Onto You by @reminiscingintherain / reminiscingintherain This fic is pure fluff. Fluff and silliness and all things sweet and good. I was trying to find the best way to describe it and the first thing that came to mind was it was a bowl of sweet dessert and I finally realized it’s a parfait. It’s got layers, but all of it is sweet and soft and yummy. hahaha SO if that sounds like something amazing in a fic, then you defo wanna give this a read! 

Face Your Fears by @sadaveniren / SadaVeniren I’ll be honest, I finished this one around 2 am after a very long day and had to wake up too early again this morning, so I still haven’t fully computed this fic lollll Just know the pain is real, it is glorious, the journey the characters all take and the way Harry and Louis’ relationship grows is so incredible, I just... this fic is everything I’ve wanted in an a/b/o since I started reading a/b/o almost five years ago haha 

And that’s my very long fic list from this month! I hope you enjoy them as much as I did if you give them a try. And please remember to leave nice comments and kudos for the authors who work so hard to gift us with these stories! Happy reading :D

[steviemae]

ultimatum // malachai

requested by anonymous: Ooh, I'm so glad requests are open! What about some angst for Malachai? Maybe like a one-night stand fulled with Jingle Jangle goes wrong and the reader ends up getting pregnant and has to tell her dad; FP. Btw I've legit been scrolling your blog for ages and I'm in love with your writing, it's so fucking amazing.

“Want something to drink, doll?” Malachai asked walking over to the bar cart.

“No thank you. I’ve had enough alcohol for tonight.” you took a seat on the edge of the bed watching the muscles in his back move as he poured himself a drink. He turned and walked over to you, handing you a glass of water before taking a seat next to you on the couch. You mumbled a thank you, downing the whole glass of water feeling slightly dehydrated.

“Let’s get this show on the road shall we?” he smirked waving the stick of jingle jangle. You smiled at him, watching as his fingers moved to rip open the end. He brought it to your lips, you tilted your head back and opened your mouth allowing him to pour the substance into your mouth. He poured half into yours before taking the other half for himself. Once the substance was dissolved he grabbed the back of your neck and pulled you in for a kiss.

“You know what they say about jingle jangle?” he asked when he pulled away. You shook your head no, not really knowing what he was going to say. This wasn’t your first time taking jingle jangle, but you only took it when you were hanging with friends in the comfort of your own home.

“It heightens orgasms.” he whispered in your ear, biting down on your lobe, ��think we should test that theory?” he kissed along your jaw and down your neck before pulling back and gauging your reaction.

“I say we take one more straw and then test that theory.” you whispered back, a smirk toying at the corner of your lips. Malachai smiled taking the other straw out of his pocket doing the same as he did before. Dumping half into your mouth before taking the rest himself before tossing the now empty tube on the floor and attacking your mouth with his, making you fall backwards on the bed. You rushed to climb further up the bed, Malachai climbing on top of you. You made out and let your hands roam each other’s bodies, teasing slightly until you felt the drug kick in.

Moments later, you could feel it. You felt like the two of you were floating on a cloud, each kiss burning your skin like you’ve never felt before. You ripped each others clothes off in a desperate haste to feel each other.

--

The next morning you woke up groggy and with a pounding headache. You looked next to you remembering that Malachai had brought you upstairs. Flashes of the amazing sex the two of you had last night went through your brain. Looking down at the naked man next to you, those flashes were proven right. You groaned quietly, getting up from the bed and grabbing your clothes to slip back on. You thought you’d be able to sneak out before Malachai woke up, but you thought wrong.

“Leaving so soon?” he rasped as he rolled onto his back, leaning on his elbows so he could see you.

“Gotta get home at some point before my dad comes looking for me.” you joked standing at the end of the bed. He motioned for you to come to him so you walked to where he lay and sat next to him. He reached for your face pulling your down to kiss him. You scooted closer, putting your hand on his chest kissing him back.

“Put your number in my phone.” he mumbled against your lips. You nodded grabbing his phone off the side table handing it to him to unlock and putting your number in when he handed it back. You stood up from the bed, grabbing your shoes from the floor and put them on and slipped out of the room.

--

Months had past and you’ve been on your best behavior. Your dad had caught onto your partying antics and you didn’t want him to find out about Malachai, who you had been seeing ever since that night at the party. So you decided to not go to a party for a while and to stay sober until you were back on your dad’s good side.

You currently sat at Pop’s with Betty, Jughead, Veronica, Archie and Reggie. All of you were stressed about the SAT’s so you decided to meet at Pop’s for milkshakes after school to cool off for a few before studying some more. Pop had brought out the milkshakes and the second he sat yours in front of you, you felt sick to your stomach.

“I think i’m gonna throw up.” you mumbled feeling that uneasiness in the back of your throat. You dry heaved slightly before getting up out of the booth and booking it to the bathroom. Veronica and Betty followed after you to make sure you were good. You had no idea what was going on. You’ve never felt sick at the sight of anything at Pop’s, especially the milkshakes; those were your favorite part of Pop’s.

After throwing up into the toilet you wiped your mouth with some toilet paper before flushing the toilet and exiting the stall.

“Everything alright?” Betty asked.

“Yeah, i think it’s just stress from all the SAT crap.” you answered, “i’m gonna head home i think.” the girls nodded in agreement, thinking it was best that you go home as well. You grabbed your bag from the booth, bidding your friends and brother a goodbye before heading out and starting the trek home.

You decided to stop at the convenience store to get something for your stomach in case you felt like vomiting again. Walking up and down the isles, searching for some antacid you passed the condom section. You stopped in your tracks, taking a couple of steps backwards and turning to face the shelves of condoms.

“Fuck.” you mumbled to yourself. You bent down and grabbed a pregnancy test, “just in case. You’re probably not, but that night is blurry so just in case.” you whispered to yourself. You grabbed some antacid as well and headed to the counter to pay.

As you left the store, you text your dad to see if he was home thanking god when he said he was out and would be out for a while. You called Malachai as you walked home deciding to ask him about that fuzzy night of ecstasy.

“Hey, baby. What’s up?” he answered.

“Hi, quick question.” you said, “um did you use a condom that night we did JJ and slept together?” you asked anxiously picking at the strap of your backpack.

“You and i both know, neither of us remember exactly what happened that night. Just that it was probably the best sex either of us ever happened. Why? Is everything okay?” he asked, concern filling his voice.

“Everything’s fine, i was just asking. I threw up at Pop’s after he brought out a milkshake, but i’m sure it’s just the stress from cramming for the SATs.” you brushed it off.

“Okay, baby. Let me know if you need anything, alright.”

You finally reached your trailer, running inside as fast as you could and heading straight for the bathroom. Dropping everything but the test in the hallway, you shut the door, locking it in case someone came home. You pulled both tests out of the box, reading the directions before you opened them both and sat on the toilet to pee on both sticks. When you were done, you sat them both on the counter and flushed the toilet.

“Okay, three minutes and everything will be fine.” you said to yourself. Praying to god those tests came out negative. You slid down the wall, your butt hitting the floor as you put your face in your hands, not lifting it until the timer went off signalling it was time to check. You took a deep breath before standing and grabbing both tests off the counter. You closed your eyes tight, holding the tests out in front of you taking one last deep breath before opening them. Your heart and jaw dropped, eyes widening and stomach churned.

“Oh my god.”

--

You were pacing the living room floor until your dad came home. He immediately walked over to you, asking what was wrong.

“Can you sit down, please. I don’t know how to tell you this and i’m freaking out and i - i can’t, can you promise you won’t yell at me?” your voice grew raspy with every word until it finally cracked and a tear fell from your eye.

“What could you possibly have to tell me, honey?” he asked concerned. You couldn’t speak so instead you handed him the wash cloth that the tests were wrapped in and stood with your head down.

“Oh my god.” he whispered, “when did you take these?” he asked standing up from the couch.

“Today. I threw up at Pop’s and thought it was just stress and then i passed the tests at the convenience store so i grabbed one but i really didn’t think i was and now that says i am and i don’t know what to do.” you cried. Your dad immediately pulled you into a hug, letting you cry into his chest.

“We’ll figure this out, kid. It’s alright. We’ll make you an appointment with the doctor and we’ll find out for sure. Just calm down.” he brushed through your hair trying his best to calm your cries. When you had calmed down enough, he asked you the dreaded question.

“Who’s the dad, honey?” you sat down on the couch and played with the sleeves of your sweatshirt.

“I don’t want to tell you until we go to the doctor and find out for sure, and then i want to tell him. After that, i’ll tell you who it is, but right now can we just keep this between us?” you asked.

“Sure thing. Our little secret, like old times.” he smiled holding out his pink for you to take. You wrapped your around his giving him a soft smile, “go get some rest, kid. I’ll see if i can get you in tomorrow. The sooner we find out the better so we can get everything figured out.” he kissed your forehead before walking into the kitchen to call the doctor's office. You went into your room, changing into some pjs and climbed into bed thinking about how life could change for you.

--

“You’re what?” Malachai’s entire face dropped. Shock took over his features. His voice was monotoned and his shoulders slumped.

“Please don’t be mad at me.” you whispered.

“Why would i be mad at you?” he asked not understanding.

“Because this changes everything. We’re young, for starters. You run a gang - no, the biggest drug dealing gang in all of Riverdale. You’re the leader of my dad’s rival gang. I know i’ve been Switzerland this whole time, Kai but think about it. This isn’t going to make things better, it’s going to make things worse. You don’t want a kid. You got everything you could ever want right now. You run a drug empire, making mad money.” you ranted.

“I’ve never said i didn’t want kids, so don’t try to make shit up. I know this isn’t an ideal situation, but if you want to keep this baby we’ll figure it out.”

“Do you want to keep the baby?” you asked in a whisper.

“I don’t know.”

“Do you think you and i, only being together officially for about a mont, knowing each other for six month, could raise a baby together?” you asked watching as he walked over to the couch to sit down, running his hands through his hair.

“I don’t know”

“So what do you know?” you asked crossing your arms over your chest.

“I know that i care about you, a lot. Regardless of who your dad is or who your brother is and that this is ultimately your choice, it’s your body. I’m not going to tell you what to do with it. I know that whatever you decide, i’m going to support you all the way in every way possible - financially, emotionally whatever.” you walked over to stand in front of him, cupping his face in your hands as tears started falling from your eyes.

“I’m scared and i don’t know what to do.” you whispered. Malachai stood up quickly, wrapping his arms around you, pulling you into his chest.

“I know, baby. We’ll figure it out.”

--

“You’re fucking kidding me right?” your dad asked. His face was red with anger, but you could tell he was trying his best to keep his cool.

“I’m not.” you whispered.

“Malachai, the Ghoulie leader, drug lord of Riverdale, is the father of your child.”

“Why do you have to say it like that? That’s like someone asking me oh my god, Serpent King, biker gang member FP is your dad. Yes okay, he’s in some shit, but that doesn’t make him a bad person. Just like going to church doesn’t make you a good person.

“No absolutely not.”

“No what, dad?” you asked.

“It’s him or your family, y/n. You can’t have both. Not when we’re a part of rival gangs. No chance in hell am i welcoming that bastard with open arms after everything he’s done to this town.”

“You can’t seriously be telling me to choose between this baby’s dad or my family.”

“I am. Him or us, y/n. You choose him, you cut ties with us. You’re one of them. You choose us, you cut ties with him and we’ll help you. In a perfect world, maybe you could work it out, but this is Riverdale, sweety. Make a decision.”

“Why are you being like this, dad?” you cried.

“You did this to yourself.” with that, your dad stormed out of the trailer. The engine of his bike roared before fading off into the distance. Jughead walked in moments later finding you sobbing at the kitchen table.

“What happened?” he rushed over to you, pulling you into a hug.

“I’m pregnant,” you sobbed, “and Malachai’s the father and dad just gave me an ultimatum.”

“What ultimatum, y/n?” Jughead asked pulling away to look at you.

“You guys or Malachai. He said i can’t have both. And if i choose one i have to cut ties completely with the other.” you wiped your face on the sleeves of your sweatshirt.

“I’ll talk to him, y/n. I’ll fix this.” he assured.

“Don’t bother. It’s clear dad doesn’t give a shit. Malachai has been looking at places for me in case dad did this and i can’t cut my baby’s dad out of their life. He has a choice in this too, y’know.”

“But that means cutting ties with us.”

“I know, Jug. and trust me, this is the hardest decision i’ve ever had to make, but i can’t just keep Malachai from his kid.”

“I know, i know. Shh, okay. Everything’s gonna be okay. Maybe once the baby is born dad will calm down and come to his senses. Come on, i’ll help you pack and drop you off to Malachai.” Jughead helped you stand up, walking into your room to pack a couple of bags. You text Malachai telling him you were coming soon and that you’d explain when you got there.

By the time you and Jughead finished packing all of your necessities, both of you were crying. You could tell Jughead was trying his hardest to keep it together, but the second you stepped out of the car and Malachai got all of your bags out, he was propper sobbing. He got out, rounding the car to give you a hug, telling you that everything was okay.

“Keep her safe.” he told Malachai earning a nod from him in response. And with that Jughead got back in the truck, heading back to the trailer park.

[spacejew]

oops accidental personal post I guess

It's weird that I almost feel the need to go here to personal blog again because of a handful of irl friends following what was supposed to be a private personal Twitter in theory, just for like, idk, internet strangers and friends I made online not those imported from meatspace. Also those character limits... Suffocating.

Anyways yeah things are kinda stable but dissapointing lifewise? I'm definitely in a rut and stuck somewhere I'm desperately trying to get out of. Also like. idk. Gender shit. I think I really fucked myself over hard when I made the decision a few years back to conviously bottle up all my dysphoria and trans feelings and bury them and repress them hard and just live as a very gay and feminine bi boy and like. hm. I think I've been happy since? But im thinking now that maybe. Because that's still a part of my psyche that haunts me every day. I might actually have been mildly depressed this whole time and like, still struggling to make important life decisions because of the anxiety of that. Idk. Maybe if I got a therapist and realistic attention to that all those years ago and it turned out to be very real n legit and i got to make tough choices and live my truth, I would be equipped now to actually be joyful and able to fully focus on hard work and taking risks and putting myself out there and being successful and shit. Idk idk idk. I just have to wonder if all this time I've actually been quite unhappy and filling the void with dumb shit and a good deal of dissociation and complacency. Idk. what I'm saying is maybe I made a big mistake there lmao and could've started transitioning, if that's right for me, 4-7 years ago maybe, who knows. Haha so fun. Fuck me. Big Regrets, lads. But also I still don't know if that's right. Which probs means it is who am I kidding. Oof. But it's ok life is a journey I'm full of wise shit and I know it's not the end of the world. It just kinda. Makes me so sad on behalf of the old me who would cry so much because of dysphoria and living in this body in this life. She knew. I don't know why I buried her alive like that. Anyways.

I spent all year struggling to make an animated short (which ended up being kinda long tbh like 10 minutes?) by myself mostly, just me and my mental blocks and executive dysfunction and shit, but I was v passionate about it and worked hard and got to actually bring a whole vision to life, with basically nobody to tell me what to do, just give me feedback that I wasn't obligated to follow. It came out pretty nice and I'm very happy that I got to tell exactly the story I wanted and try a cool new look and I just wish I gave myself more time to work on the actual animation part but I put my heart and endless weeks and months of refinement into the storyboarding and script and every little detail and I really feel accomplished and like it paid off -- and I even got to do a private screening at my summer camp job that I was called in to do one more time at the last minute right when I finished my film, it was a miracle and so perfect, everyone cried and truly loved it and felt touched by it. And then I went to animation festivals! And all this cool shit! But... I haven't been able to figure out a public screening thing yet. And I feel like all my excitement is gone now. And I really wanted to polish the look and some backgrounds a little, just some very quick rerendering and comp, but. I feel like too much time has passed, i just feel dissapointed. I haven't put it online yet cause I haven't done my public screening, cause of my stupid anxiety about little details and overall idk imposter syndrome I guwss I feel more ashamed of it than proud of it even tho it's probably good, and like I feel that everyone was excited to support me but probably nobody cares anymore.

Basically I had all the wind taken out of my sails. Oh and right when I was trying to get it off the ground I guess and push through, my grandma died. I'm so heartbroken I loved her so fucking much and. She never got to see the film cause of my stupid bullshit. I feel so bad about that. So so bad. Ugh. And it's a film very very hilariously blatantly directly based on me and my feelings and my real family history, ultimately besides other main themes it's about talking to your grandparents and family about the past and your current feelings. And in it the main character, a girl, cough cough even though it's basically me, cough cough go figure, gender shit, anyways the climax is her going back in time to talk to her great grandma, and it's very emotional and my best friend of like almost 10 years now composed and recording a music for that scene for me. And now when I eventually screen this, my entire family and also myself is gonna get torn to shreds by this scene more than intended because my own fucking grandma, who I was excited to show this film to more than anyone on earth, passed so unexpectedly without seeing it. Fuck. Why didn't I send it to her when she was in the hospital? Obviously cause if I did that that would make it real and she wouldn't get better and all I do is live in denial. Ugh. Anyways yeah. The point is I'm stagnant and in a rut right now and just want to move forward and focus on making new work and just get a real career relevant job already. Tough year hit a well needed high and now petering off back into misery. Not to be dramatic. I'm ok tbh I have a part time I'm slowly getting sick of and a loving supportive partner and some very good friends, tho not as many as I used to see regularly and that's kinda sad too. That's your 20s babey.

I just need to move on and make big changes. My pattern rn is like. Work fri-sun, if I'm lucky I get to hang out with friends or lovers, usually at least with my partner. on monday I recover from working. on tuesday I have dnd and usually get some stuff done but honestly just catch up on warframe with my clan friends. wednesday my partner and I got to the park and library for half the day and eat and draw and talk. on thursday I mentally prepare for work again and usually we go out to play another roleplaying game with her roommates friends. a lot of that free time that's been left unmentioned is spent being over at bae's sometimes so I don't have the ability to get much work done. Lately I've spent most of my time planning a dnd campaign which is fun but also too stressful on account of obviously I'm not playing it yet so like what's the point, sorry friends who have patiently waited for months for me to be ready to start the game for them. And also like. Yeah idk. just sad and confused and resting my weary heart and body after a very rough month after my grandma passed. But! I did accomplish a very crazy deep cleaning of my room. I threw out 14 bags of shit at the least. I wish I weighed it all, it was a lot. I feel so much more organized and cleansed from that. For the record I didn't have any trash in my room, nor was it every a mess. Just every single cabinet and drawer was crammed full of stuff and I guess I hoarded a lot of shit. I was able to throw away a lot of things I held on to be cause of sentimentality and I'm proud of myself for growing that way. So like. Idk. It's not all bad, baby steps. I still feel like I'm constantly improving as a person! I'm positive, optimistic. Just tired, anxious, and feel bad.

Also I finally got a new phone and because of my hubris I dropped it without a case and it shattered only two weeks in. The day I was gonna buy a case. But it's ok. Story of my life I guess. I can't keep everything pristine and polished forever, one day shit falls and breaks but it's still usable. It has character.

I wasn't expecting to dump everything like this, sorry yall. Thanks for reading I guess. Also I forgot how to do a read more on mobile lol sorry

[seafoamchild]

i have felt so weird the past few days. i had a bad night on thursday when i kept getting big parties at work and they weren’t tipping me accordingly even though i was giving them great service. like i had a 10 top of medical students and of course the one foreign guy who doesn’t understand our tipping culture comes up and corners me and makes me swipe his card so he can pay for everything without the other people knowing, then he tips me $15 on a $180 bill. i was so fucking mad, like that party was taking up 3 of my 4 tables for HOURS!!! i was so done! i literally went up to the other end of the table and very politely told the guys there that their friend had covered the meal, but he tipped me less than 10 percent and i knew it was only because he didn’t know the tipping culture. and guess what! they gave me an extra $20 in cash. i’m lucky that particular restaurant has like no rules and the managers don’t care, but at my other restaurant or any other corporate-type restaurant i could have easily been fired for doing that. like how fucked up that i have to be THAT aggressive to get the money i am owed and that also servers technically aren’t allowed to like stand up for themselves because “It makes the restaurant look bad” like FUCK that i have bills to pay, i want the money i worked for and deserve! 

well i had another bad night on friday at my other job when stuff kept going wrong over and over again, whatever, but saturday morning i came in and immediately got a 10 top of guys who were trying to drink the restaurant out of tecate, and they succeeded and ordered 100 tecates and a bunch of tequila shots and food and stuff. their bill was $675 and i took care of them for 4 hours, talking to them and chilling and even drinking a few beers with them, i was SURE they were going to give me a massive tip - turns out they split the bill so one guy tipped me on the food bill but the guy who paid for the drinks - A FOUR HUNDRED DOLLAR TAB - left me NOTHING. NOTHING!!! i was like.. so in shock. that should have been at least an $80 tip and honestly more than that considering how much work i did for them. i could not BELIEVE it! i felt like i had been sooooo taken advantage of! i hate feeling like that and i feel like that a lot because i am such a genuinely nice person! it was such a day-ruiner. i did the ultimate no-no and found the guy on facebook and messaged him that i thought there must have been a mistake, and he actually did message me back and said they would venmo me but i’m not keeping my hopes high that they’ll actually do it. whatever UGH. this job is so frustrating sometimes. but the constant drama and high stress keep me on my toes which is what i need, to be quite honest. 

oh and then also today i had this brother and sister at one of my tables and the brother was really fucking hot and he was laughing at all my jokes and like clearly into me and his sister even asked me if i was single and i said Yeah and then she looked at her brother and was like “isn’t that convenient?” and i thought he would leave his number and he DIDN’T!!! god dammit! i guess only creeps leave their numbers on receipts? idk. i would have texted him

but yeah so there were a lot of lows this weekend and i also partied a lot, went to an EDM show on friday night and got sooooo fucked up on vodka red bulls and ran into this guy i used to do summer landscaping with so it was actually really cool catching up with him. i said i wasn’t gonna party again on saturday but i was so mad from the whole getting stiffed on a 400 dollar bill thing that i went out with sarah and we did a bunch of coke and drank tequila and it was a really weird night because the first bar we went to, this girl outside the bar started screaming hysterically like i legit thought a cat was being strangled or something, but it was this girl screaming about how her rapist was there at the bar and fuck everyone for letting him roam free and it was honestly so sad and awful i wished there was something i could have done to help her (other people were helping her though). set a weird tone for the night. we were too coked up and sarah walked home with me and started sobbing and telling me all about her abusive piece of shit ex boyfriend and i didn’t know how to help other than just listen and not judge and be there for her. 

i felt bad the next day from the coke hangover, i was just really sad and down and honestly thought i needed to cry it all out. i went for a walk on the east side by all the nice houses and the lake and it was so misty and chilly, couldn’t even see a block in front of me. it was eerie but nice even though i felt sad. then i drove to my parents house before work to drop off some stuff and i realized as soon as i drove out of milwaukee it suddenly was 65 degrees and sunny and perfect!! i freaked out and realized this was probably the last warm day of the whole fucking year!! i immediately put up my shift and amazingly jason got me covered so i got off work and then we drove together all the way to the illinois border and went on a walk through the woods with his friend brandon. it was so much fun!! i was feeling really manic and i was ON one, telling all these funny stories and being chatty AF. the late afternoon light was so beautiful on all the trees and the meadow. we walked for a long time, then went to an italian restaurant and had pasta and wine and calamari and just laughed and laughed. it was a good ass day, hanging out with jason, going to woodmans and getting a bag of jellybeans and all this fancy water and just having fun. 

yesterday i walked around with behr and got ramen and drank ginger turmeric tea at rochambo and it was nice to talk. i actually said a lot of shit about sam and the stuff he used to do that would bother me soooo much, i guess i just needed to vent irl instead of on here. behr does understand though. she’s a good friend. then we saw ryan the bartender from work who i kind of have a crush on and we all hung out for what turned into a couple hours, showing each other our hilarious childhood pictures and just laughing and talking. i had no makeup on and i looked like shit so i was self conscious but what-fucking-ever honestly. i had a good time. 

i guess i haven’t been with anyone for like 7 or 8 months now and i feel like i definitely want to wait for someone who deserves me but i’m also bored and antsy too. i don’t even know like any straight boys lol. like who will like me for ME? i am very strange and goofy and i’m definitely not like, a Hot girl. i’m weirdly beautiful sometimes and really fuckin funny. but i rarely ever feel attracted to ANYONE. idk man! i have felt weird lately. just kinda lonely and nervous or something. blegh. tomorrow is a new day.

[boogiewrites]

A Girl Walks Into A Bar 6

Characters: Declan Harp x Bella Fiore (OFC)

Word Count: 6400+

Summary: Modern Declan harp AU.   Bella finds herself warming up to Declan. A friend of a friend lets her know Declan has some skeletons in his closet. When she asks, he gives an honest answer. He can see in her eyes that she has some skeletons too.

Warnings/Tags: Language. Drinking. Talk of violence, murder. 

Click on my screen name then go to Mobile Masterlist in my bio for my other works and chapters. (Had to do this since Tumblr killed links, sorry.)

As it had been going, it was the day of your weekly meet up at the bar with Declan. It'd become a welcome part of your routine and a much-needed stress reliever. The men that were usually at the bar were used to you now, being on a first name basis. They weren't exactly warm to you, they didn't invite you over to talk with them or anything, not that you wanted that, but they would give you affirmative nods when you'd enter and that was a nice feeling. Always better to have the bikers on your side than against you.

This day was much like the first that had brought you to the bar in the first place. You'd been mansplained to for the day by boys half your age about guitar. You weren't as angry as you were tired, but at least you had your truck back to comfort you instead of being stuck on foot. So you rumble up in your old Ford, parking at the end of the sidewalk after all the motorcycles took the good spots in front of the bar.  You take a deep breath and rub between your eyes, not wanting to go in with a bad mood looming as you wanted to enjoy the time you spent at the bar. You had the tendency to come in with a chip on your shoulder from work on Fridays, and you didn't want Declan to think that you were only capable of being grumpy and nothing else. Although historically, and if you asked anyone who knew you, friendly would not be at the top of the list of descriptors for you.

It's April now, over three months since you'd become a regular at The Trading Post. The cold and wind were still holding up strong, especially after the sun went down. You feel the wind bite at you as you pull your leather jacket tight around you, your company logo sweatshirt not providing much insulation. Your boots crunch over gravel and coarse salt, hand shoved into your pockets as you make your way into the warm shelter the bar offers.

The heat flushes your face as you walk in, the bar moving with bodies as it was on a Friday night. Mike passes you, a friendly smile a strong nod that you politely return, starting to peel your jacket off. You begin to move to your corner of the bar that you like to perch at, but find it taken. You twitch your lips in consideration for where to sit, as you don't want to sit between two men you don't know anything about except their nicknames. You choose a booth and even though he's currently focusing on filling pint glasses, Declan sees you walking past to a different seat than usual.

"Mike!" he calls out, watching you slide into the green patched leather benched seat.

"I know! Got it!" Mike says, finishing wiping down a table as he quickly moves to behind the bar. He knew Declan had been waiting for you to show up like he always did. He hadn't given him any shit for it yet, at least nothing more than a few insinuating glances, but if he left him alone once the bar got crowded, he would have a  lot more to say to him once you left.

Declan pats his back as a thank you, as he carries himself with a confident saunter towards you, your favorite ale in hand. "Hey, Bella." he says with an earnest smile, the words spoken almost in an exhale that made you warm on sight. You rise from the booth, and as is customary now, you let him hug you.

"Hey Declan." you try to sound more enthusiastic about his appearance but words come out as a grumble against the soft flannel of his shirt. He didn't usually wear a lot of layers, but he had a worn t-shirt underneath flannel shirt tonight and you'd be lying to yourself if you said the added bulk wasn't serving him plenty of favors in the attractiveness department.

"What's wrong babe?" he questions, a sight rub to your back as he sets the bottle in front of you and you both slide into opposite benches. "Work again?" he suggests, putting the bottle cap to your ale into his pocket to throw away later.

"Yeah." you groan and roll your eyes. "Stupid kids half my age tryin' to tell me I don't know what I'm talkin' about." you take a big swig of your drink.

"About music?" he scoffs with raised brows, making the arches even more prominent over the dark hazel eyes.

"Mmm Hmm." you nod, sucking your teeth and looking around the bar, with more people filing in.

"Are they fuckin' stupid?" he says with a laugh. "No one I know knows more about music than you."

"Thank you." you give him a supportive nod. "The little asshole knows three chords and think's he's gonna be the next Cobain when he can't write lyrics for shit. It was popular in the '90s because it was new. It was the beginning of a movement. It's not as groundbreaking to write angst over some banged out chords nowadays. Everyone one of these little pricks think they're so fucking talented." you shake your head.

"Ah. White teenage boy?" he chuckles.

"They're the worst." your groan turns into a chuckle. "The only upset they have in their lives is their mothers buying them the wrong color iPhone for Christmas and they think they know pain." you rub your temple. "He literally had the words, I hate my parents, I hate myself, I hate you... like...what am I supposed to do with that? Tell him it's any good?"

"Is that what your boss told you to do?"

"Nah, CeeCee is understanding. She's the brain and I'm the heart. So if I don't feel anything from it, it won't be any good." you shake your head and take another drink. "She trusts my judgment." your face softens a bit and he's glad to learn more about where you work, you never really talked about your coworkers.

"That's more than most people get." he says supportively.

"Oh yeah, no, I'm lucky she understands me and my lunacy." you smile. "But privileged little boys do NOT, however." you purse your lips. "I told him I could lie to him, but I wouldn't because he was paying for my expertise. He didn't want constructive criticism though."

"Most people don't." he grins. "Can't handle it. Takes a secure person to realize they might not be right all the time. And those are few and far between." he muses.

"Amen." you say, reaching out to clink your bottles together. You take a drink and you take a second to look him over, admiring the lumberjack vibe he was giving off. You must've looked a little too long.

"What?" he asks with a grin.

"Could I give you some constructive criticism?" you throw a cocky nod his way.

"Will it make me cry?" he pouts.

"I don't think so." you grin.

"Then hit me." he says, thwacking his hand on the table.

"I fully support this... lumberjack vibe you got goin' on." you say, moving your hand in front of you.

"OH!" he says with a genuine smile. "Thanks." he lets out an almost bashful chuckle.

"Any reason you've strayed from your usual humbled rockstar look?" you tease.

"We had a bunch of orders come in today, spent most of the day with the back doors open and loading and unloading trucks from the street. Get's cold." he says, tugging on the black beanie on his head.

"I like it. Works for you." you give him a considerate nod. You are aware you'd just given him a compliment, and by the way his lips tug back, the tension in his jaw as he holds back from it growing farther across his bearded face, you can see he certainly noticed.

"Thanks." he says proudly, letting a smile break through, showing his teeth. He knows a blush is growing, not expecting a compliment from you and thinks of a way to hide it. He pulls the beanie off, throwing it onto the table and ruffles his naturally loose curled hair, hanging past his shoulders. You get hit with the smell of him and your pupils dilate. You were defenseless against pheromones. Or whatever delicious, masculine smell was coming off him. A faint musk, whether from him or cologne you weren't certain. Faint smell of woods or ocean, maybe shampoo. He scratches his head and scrunches his face, letting his scalp breathe again. "What about you? Sweatshirts aren't something I've seen you in before. And with a heart on it? That's not on brand at all." he lets out a deep teasing chuckle.

"Oh but it is!" you say condescendingly. "This is the name of our company." you say looking down and holding out the logo for your and Grace's studio. A logo with a cartoon heart and an italicized word 'sounds' after it in bold text.

"I didn't know it was your company." he says impressed, he thought you only worked at the studio. "Me and CeeCee went in half and half on it when we first started. I was working at a music store, squirreling away every bit I could, playing bars on weekends and teaching guitar lessons, just trying to get by. CeeCee, at the time, was married to a rather well off guy and we met by fate one night when I was playing at his office's new years party. We oddly hit it off, which is rare for me." you roll your eyes and smile. "And a year or so later we started this company, bought the building and the equipment, all that. We're legit." you nod and say with a proud smile.

He looks you over for a moment, the pleased smile, the new knowledge he had about what made you, you, it all gave way to a feeling of being proud of you himself. It explained the long hours worked, the clear passion and intelligence about what you worked in, the skill you'd honed in your instrument of choice. It was clear you were very driven and had been for some time, the realization makes him like you more. In his experience, things that were worked hard for had felt more worth it in the end and with how he was slowly chipping away at you he was hoping the initial hardness and hesitancy you had shown to letting him in would also fall away and in the end be worth it. He saw a lot of potential in you, for a lot of different things. An honest and loyal friend, someone to help him with his business, as you were running a successful one and he could always learn from you. And the one that he didn't want to admit yet, but was becoming more and more obvious to him, he saw the potential for you to be more than just friends. But he didn't want to get ahead of himself.

"I thought it'd be another band I've never heard of." he shrugs. "But the truth is much more interesting." he says earnestly.

"It usually is." you grin. "You wanna know another truth?" you ask leaning in closer.

"Duh." he laughs.

"I'm only wearing this because it's laundry day." you laugh and admit, taking another drink.

"Ah! The most dreaded of all days. Free ballin', shirt you don't really wanna wear and jeans that have gone one too many days without being washed." he muses and you laugh.

"You get it!" you let out a more animated laugh. "Although there isn't much free ballin' happenin' on this side of the table." you snort. "Due to the lack of... well... balls." you say in a goofy way with a motion of your hands in explanation.

"Yeah, what's it called when girls do it?" he narrows his eyes in thought.

"That's just commando right?" you wrinkle your nose as you think.

"Ah, yeah." he nods. "I forget that's the unisex term for it."

"I call it free ballin' too." you chuckle. "To be fair." you shrug and take another drink. "Just... sounds more crude and funny."

"Which seems like your kind of thing."

"Most definitely." you laugh.

He sees you looking over his shoulder. "What?" he asks, turning around.

"Lots of people in here tonight."

"Yeah, it's Jon's birthday," he says, turning back. "There'll be more people in the closer it gets to nine." he explains.

"Do I know Jon?" you ask with a tilted head.

"You referred to him as a second rate hype man that couldn't shut the fuck up." he laughs.

"Yeah I remember that guy." you nod and take a drink. "I guess that means a good business night though." you say optimistically.

"Yeah." he drags the word out. He was grateful for the bump but, it meant he wouldn't be spending his time sitting and talking to you and he didn't see you as often as he'd like already. But he also didn't want to ask to hang out and make it weird. With someone like you he had to let you come to him. "It is getting busy..." he says in a distracted way. "I guess I need to go help Mike." he says, sucking his teeth and downing the rest of the bottle.

"Yeah, go ahead. Don't need my permission." you smile and wave him towards the bar.

"You gonna stick around?" he asks, you can hear the hopeful lilt to it, how could you say no.

"And miss these guys make asses of themselves? No way. 'Course I'm stayin'." you give him a friendly smile to take the edge off his disheartened eyes.

"Might need you around to help me keep these guys in line." he smirks.

"At your service." you nod supportively. "Maybe we can try to hang out before next Friday? Since there won't be much hangin' goin' on tonight?" you offer, testing his reaction to see if he was hesitant to leave your company and in his long exhale you see your guess is correct.

"Yeah, on a night when it's slow." he nods.

"Let's make it through tonight and when it thins out and you can come talk to me again, we'll figure it out." you say casually with a shrug, leaning back and taking another drink.

"You always have good plans, Bells." he grins and shoots a finger gun your way before heading back to the bar. You see Mike give him grief, and you're guessing by the way they both laugh and shove each other it might've been about you.

You're left looking over the carvings in the table top. All crudely done with pocketknives and surely the vandalism was motivated by alcohol. Dates go back to the '80s, you run your fingers over the letters and names, Dina + Ronnie 4 Ever '88, Shirley + Lenny '94. You wonder where they're at now, and how hanging out at a bar had worked out for them. It seemed to be working out pretty well so far for you. You weren't entirely sure just yet. Neither of you were making any moves to have the relationship push past friendship, and you were forever grateful for that on his behalf. For now, a good friend was what you needed, and he certainly seemed to fit the bill. You knew you should make more of an effort to hang out with him outside of his work but he did work a lot, and also the hours when you traditionally would be off of work. You were sort of working with what you were given.

You watch him working, his flannel now unbuttoned, hat shoved in his back pocket with his soft hair bouncing around his shoulders. He engages with every person, being warm and friendly and you wonder how he does it. His tall form leans over the bartop for hugs and cheek kisses, to both men and women and you find yourself charmed. It was hard not to be, the man looked like he could crush you but his demeanor was like that of a puppy's, and who didn't love puppies? You wonder when cheek kisses might be introduced into the repertoire of your greetings. He'd worked hugs in pretty seamlessly, you have to give it to the guy. If the girls at work saw you hug a guy they'd assume you were married. You weren't the hugging type. But it seemed you'd made an exception for Declan, hadn't you?

He was turning out to be an exception to the rule for men for you as well. Polite, humble, hardworking and still somehow also extremely good looking. You weren't sure how that all managed to fall in place, but you figure you should bake his mother some cannoli or something for the work she must've put in to raise such a man. Maybe that's what it was? He was a man. He wasn't a boy. He was a giant dork and goof ass sure, but he was responsible and kind, intelligent and industrious and you wondered if he was the first man, besides your father, you'd spent any real time with.

All the boys you'd dated before were just that...boys. Your first relationship, a hellish shit show of a Greek tragedy that'd turned out to be. You still had the physical and emotional scarring and trauma to prove it, A few casual encounters of off and on dates that never lead anywhere, not that you'd wanted them to. One night stands more often when you were younger, but it'd been a long time since you'd had the urge for that. You'd deleted tinder ages ago and work had replaced any time you'd spent putting effort into finding sex. There had been one guy you thought was nice, but in hindsight maybe that was because he just did everything you told him to. You suppose it doesn't really matter, that one was nipped in the bud fast too. You finish the rest of your bottle, brow furrowing in thought at how it ended, and if it'd happen again if you tried. You decide you don't want to think about that tonight and go get another bottle. Declan opens it with his hand by raising his shirt up and twisting it off for you, a not too suggestive wink to you as he hands it off and he's beckoned by people much louder than you to the other end of the bar.

You take your seat back, watching the crowd, eavesdropping and staring into a mirror that reflected a dark room in the back, you still hadn't found out what was back there and just as you feel the pull to explore, someone sits in the booth across from you. Much to your surprise, it's a girl you haven't seen before. Thin body and lips, blonde hair and a strong jaw sit with a seemingly friendly indifference.

"You mind if I sit here?" she asks, taking off her jacket. "Everywhere else is full or too full 'a drunks." she says with a smile.

"Uh, yeah that's fine." you say with a shrug, your face straight, you go back to nursing your drink.

"Thanks. Bella, is it?" she asks, holding out her hand.

You did like a woman who shook hands, but you weren't sure how she knew your name.

"Heard Declan call ya it when you went up to the bar." she explains, watching the realization come across your face as you blink slowly and nod.

"Oh, okay. I was about to say..." you let out a huff of a laugh for politeness's sake and raise your brows to show your uneasiness and to push back any unwanted pursuit of friendship.

"I'm Clenna," she says with a nod, taking out a pack of cigarettes. "I'm a friend of a friend of Mike's," she explains further. "Here for Jon's birthday." she lights it and thankfully blows it away from your face.

"I'm just here to drink." you say flatly, raising attention to your bottle. "I don't know Jon or anything." you elaborate.

"Oh, you not here for Declan then?" she asks, a furrow in her brow that you aren't sure if you like or not.

"Excuse you?" you ask with only a hint of unfriendliness.

"I saw him with ya earlier." she motions to him with her hand. "With that sorta attention I thought you two might be seein' each other."

You stare at her. What you were was none of her business. She takes a drag and picks up on your unwillingness to share, your confident look of question at her telling her you weren't like the other girls that she'd seen after Declan. They were too open, bubbly even, and usually much, much more drunk. "No." you answer flatly, taking another drink.

"I mean ya no harm," she says leaning in closer. "I just thought it was a good thing you were with him now... ya know... instead of years ago. Seein' as he seems like a different man now 'n all." she says in a more serious tone.

"I'm not with him. We're just friends."

"Well good on that then." she nods. "What with his history 'n that." she says, looking over to him.

You sigh, seeing she's trying to rope you into something. And granted, you knew very little about Declan's past and you could just ask him about whatever she told you later. "Alright. I'll bite." you say with pursed lips.

"If you were thinkin' about bein' with him in any capacity, as one woman to another, there are some things I'd want to know if I were you." she begins. "He is a decent man now, rather peaceful for the sort of place he runs, but he wasn't always ya know."

"Go on." you say, leaning in closer to her on the table.

"I've lived 'round here forever, hell, I even dated Mike for years when's we's young." she shrugs and huffs out a laugh. "And I've heard of the things he's done, seen what consequences people faced from crossin' him. Although if you'd asked him, he did everything in the name of justice, only givin' it to people what deserved it. But to some violence is violence, no matter tha motive." she nods. "He was the man you went to when you had trouble with someone." she lowers her voice. "Known for his ability to find people, his fondness for knives..." she adds with a raise of her brows. "It's even rumored 'round here he's behind the death of a cop."

"I knew he was a part of the Black Wolves." you say, gesturing to the room full of vests with patches that reflected that sentiment.

"Aye. He did leave that. And he got out because of murderin' that man so I'm told." she takes another drag. "The Wolves ain't so much murderers 'n rapists 'n all that nonsense. They love their bikes and their beer and to have their fun and not be bothered. Rather loud and rough, seemingly trouble to anyone who don't know 'em. But anyone who gives themselves a name, calls themselves a gang, there's gonna be rivals and those others might not be as civil as they are, ya know?" she shrugs. "So there's police sniffin' 'round sometimes, lookin' for men to blame. There have been murders, I won't pretend like there's not been... but you know men." she rolls her eyes. "Territorial and that." she nods. "A person can only take so much before they'll retaliate ya know?" she says in a less mysterious tone.

"Why are you telling me this?" you ask with a deeper tone.

"Like I said, I saw him give ya a wink and leave his post to talk to ya, I thought there might be somethin' going's on. I don't know ya, so I know ya ain't from 'round here, so I was tryin' to let you know what sorta trouble might be lurkin' 'round if ya were to stay with this sort of company. If I were someone who didn't know, I'd want to know. That's all."

"Are you some vengeful ex or something?" you flatly ask.

"Oh no." she chuckles and shakes her head. "Only dated Mike, and we's teens then. Water under the bridge now. But I knew Declan then, and I know of him now, and as much as he's cleaned up his act there's always a threat 'a violence around this sort. I know Declan likes to act like he forgets his past, that's he's beyond it now, but... you don't live that hard for that long and just one day leave it behind forever." she sighs. "As one woman to another I dinnae wantin' ya gettin' in over ya head."

"Okay." you nod and take a drink. "If that's true then... thanks." you say with a suspicious glance.

"What the fuck's she doin'?" Mike mumbles, looking over at Clenna talking to you. He knew you didn't know each other, and from the look on your face, the conversation seemed to something you were paying attention to, and something was rubbing him the wrong way. "Fair warnin'." Mike says as the bar starts to thin out. "Clenna was talkin' to Bella earlier."

"Yeah I saw." he mutters, wiping a glass.

"We was busy, didn't catch wind of the topic but..." he shrugs, lips tight.

"Yeah, I get it." Declan says low, looking over to you as you scrolled through your phone alone.

Every time he'd look up and see a guy sitting across from you, he'd get a tingle in his spine that had to right to be there. A knee jerk habit of possessiveness that kept coming back. When they'd end up leaving, or you would, it eased his mind. You'd sit there, sometimes not even looking up from your phone, others he could feel the air from your heavy sighs as they tried to talk to you. As the night went on, and they got more drunk, you became more obvious with your rejections.

You'd get in on a game of pool with a group of older, less wasted men. He could've watched you bend over that pool table all night and he knew he wasn't the only one. But after losing a few games, feeling defeated and not as self-assured, he could tell by their poor postures that they weren't going to be a threat. But as they thinned, the younger, drunker ones caught eyes of you and your ass in those tight jeans and descended. He only worried a little, knowing you could probably handle yourself and was thankful that proved true. His ears perked up the one time he hears your voice raise but watching the interaction go down, he trusts you to handle it. The last thing he wanted was to piss you off by treating you like some damsel. He didn't catch what the guy did but you had him against a wall with the pool cue pressed against his neck and he quickly surrendered, moving to sulk somewhere else. No one really wanted to play with you after that and seeing that you actually knew what you were doing, beating them after they kept offering to show you the ropes. Seems your stories of hanging out and playing in bars were true. He wondered if you also knew how to play darts.

Only a handful of people remain, and you've settled back into a booth, and your thumbs moved fast on the screen, wearing a rather adorable unfiltered face of concentration.

"We survived." he says, plopping down in the booth across from you and startling you out of your focus.

"Ah." you saw, looking around and seeing the bar much emptier than the last time you'd looked. "So we did." you nod and give him a soft smile.

"Can I be nosey and ask what you're doing?" he leans in and asks.

"Playing trivia." you say with a small smile and setting your phone down.

"Any good?" he inquires with a lifted brow.

"I am." you nod and lean forward on the table. "But I think I'd rather ask you some questions if that's alright."

You face isn't angry, your voice isn't accusatory so he agrees. "Okay?" he says with a shrug.

"Who's Clenna?" you decide to start with. Seeing what truth there was to their relationship would be a good starting point for who was telling the truth.

"Right," he nods, pursing his lips. "Mike said he saw you talking to her." his tone doesn't sound too happy about the fact.

"Yeah she was telling me some things." you reply slowly, considering the tiredness now showing in his face.

"And you'd like to know if what she told you was true." he remarks with a sigh, setting up straight and popping his back before leaning in on his elbows.

"I would." you agree without any b/d attitude.  "So who is she?" you ask again.

"Mike's ex. She's around from time to time, occasions like tonight, birthdays and stuff." he answers with a shrug.

"Not yours?" you specify.

"Nah." he quickly answers with a shake of his head.

"Funny. She only talked about you."

"She's been known to sort've...feel girls out before that we're seeing." he begins. "Not that I'm seeing you I just...I guess she saw us together?" he asks.

"That's what she said."

"Kay." he nods. "So what'd she say?"

"That you had a past that I might want to know about." you stay vague.

"Yeah..." he rubs the back of his neck. "I thought that might be it." he sighs and looks away.

"Any truth to that?"

"I don't know what she told you but...yeah, there is." he admits and you nod slowly, happy with how this was going.

"Alright." your voice inflects upwards and his eyes dart to you, expecting to be met with something other than curiousness. "So violence, you were known to "take care of people" I guess is how she put it. Can we start there?"

"Yeah." he draws out again, leaning in closer. "I mean, I've mentioned I ran with a bad crowd. I lacked  a father figure growin' up, he wasn't around much and then he got killed." he says with a sadness slowly glazing over his eyes. "So I had a lot of anger and my mom was working her ass off, as a single mom ya know how that goes." he purses his lips. "Got in with a bad crowd. I was big and angry and I beat people up. Got older, got into the gang, more people wanted to mess with me and I had a chip on my shoulder and something to prove. So I did. Often." he nods and shrugs. "Lots of guys I knew, a lot I still do went to jail or got killed so...I felt responsible for these people ya know? The kids and the girls left behind, they didn't have anyone lookin' out for them so there was a lot of standing up for them I took on. Beating up abusive boyfriends mainly, that sort of gig." he explains. "I'll be honest. That still happens sometimes. I try not to interfere but...I really care about these people and a lot of them grew up to make better decisions but sometimes there are still assholes that'll see a single mom and still try to take advantage and if I've promised the guys on the inside I'd look out for them then-" he begins to speak faster, you feel it turning into excuses instead of information.

"Declan." you interrupt and he looks back to your eyes, his large and sad. More of the look that lead to making you refer to him as a puppy. "It's okay," you say quietly, reaching out to put your hand over his. His eyes dart down to it for a few seconds, eyes blinking fast to possibly push back tears that were building with his anger. "I get it," you say with a half smile. "Point of this wasn't to make you upset. I didn't want you getting sad or angry about it." you say with kind eyes that take him entirely off guard. "I just have one more thing I gotta ask." you say with a wince.

"Yeah?" he rasps out.

"There was something about...killing a cop?" you say quietly.

"Yeah." he nods and sniffles as you retreat your hand. "Yeah I..." he lets out a loud sigh. "It's a whole complicated story but...I know you don't want a bunch of grief so...yeah I did." he whispers the last part, face prepared for an onslaught against him.

"Okay. How are you not in jail?" you ask obviously.

"Everyone that knew him wanted him dead. He was a total bastard. Just a real piece of shit." his posture slumps. "Picked on women and children and my friends. Framed a bunch of guys I knew that are still servin' time for things they didn't do. He came after me and those close to me." you see his eyes go far away for a moment before coming back. "There was only one witness, and they wouldn't talk. They wanted them dead just as much as me." You assume this must be Mike. "And everyone else just...didn't talk when the cops came around. There wasn't anything to point to me, I had an alibi, no witnesses, no evidence..." he gestures broadly with his hands, saying it disappeared.

He watches you blink slowly, thinking and wondering if being honest would backfire. But if he'd lied, you would've found out and you'd be gone anyway. So as much as he hated taking the chance, honesty was the best policy and he hoped you saw that.

"But after that I got out of that life. Or I mean...I tried. That sorta life doesn't just disappear overnight." his voice drops low. "I try to have this place, keep the boys out of trouble as much as I can. I don't take jobs anymore, last I beat anyone up was months ago, before I met you..." he looks over to you with cautious optimism. "And that was because this guy had beat one of my friends in front of her kid... I just... I couldn't..." he shakes his head.

"I get it," you say again, a soft smile and a nod. Once again you surprise him. "Everyone's got baggage Declan. Some's just heavier than others." you say with a frown. "And I believe you. I see you being a decent and gentle man and I've seen flashes of the old you sometimes. I know violence and trauma aren't things that just...go away." you say with a huff of a laugh from experience and it warms him. "You don't have to worry about me holding it against you." you let him know and you see his eyes soften. "Your heart's always been in the right place. And that means more than what you did. In my opinion. If you say the guy had it coming then, as far as I'm concerned, he did." you say with a lighter tone.

"You're really just gonna go and be more understanding than I deserve on top of everything else huh?" he smiles sheepishly, rubbing his arm and sitting back.

"LIke I said... I get it." you say with another subtle but soft smile. But he can see it in your eyes, you did get it, you had something similar that rested behind yours as he did his. Perhaps not the same sort of pain but, there was pain there. And that would've explained a whole hell of a lot about you.

"You do get it don't you? I mean...you've been through some stuff haven't you Bells?" he asks quietly, reaching out and putting his hand over yours and the kind gesture makes you want to jerk back because the look in his eyes was so understanding and lacking any judgment.

You tuck your hair behind your ear and nod slowly. "Yeah. I come with baggage too, Declan." you admit. "But I'd rather not talk about it... as hypocritical as that makes me at this moment." you raise your brows and sigh.

"No! No, of course not." he shakes his head and starts to rise, taking your hand and tugging at you.

"What?" you ask with almost scared eyes as your guard was left down.

"We need a hug, c'mere." he tugs at you.

"Are you fuckin' serious?" you let out a chuckle.

"Sure as fuck am, get in here." he says patting his chest. He sees your eyes moves around the bar bashfully. "No one's here to see, Mike won't tell anyone." he offers with a smile.

"Fine." you say, letting him pull you up and into his arms. He was right. You did need a hug. You make full contact as he puts some squeeze into it. You rest your cheek on his chest, put your arms around his waist and he rubs your back for a moment.

"I"m not here to push you Bella. I'm just here. Okay? You know about me now, you've seen me. And as much as you try to hide it, I see there's much of the same thing in your eyes as mine. So I'm... I'm just... I'm here if you need me, alright?" he squeezes you tighter for a moment and you couldn't remember the last time you'd had an embrace with someone like this. Besides family, besides Charlotte, never. "I know you hate this sappy shit but its real so... deal with it." he chuckles to lighten to mood, seeing you smile against his chest.

"I do. But... thanks." you say quietly, slightly muffled from your cheek being pushed against him. You could hear his heart, feel his breathing as he felt your take a big inhale and slow exhale, knowing he'd gotten his point across.

"Thank you for being so fuckin' cool about it. Didn't want to scare you off." he admits, speaking down at you.

"I"m not the runnin' kind." you shake your head, still embraced and you don't want to run from it. It felt too good. "Declan?" you ask, shutting your eyes and his heart thumps as he sees you sigh out again.

"Yeah?" he asks, a super soft smile on his face, big hands still rubbing your back.

"You give really good hugs." you laugh and then burying your face in his chest as you bounce with his laughter.

"I do! Thank you for noticing! I'm great at it. Fuckin'... king of hugs over here." he laughs into your hair.

"Don't get cocky." you say through the laughter, but in all fairness, he had every right to be.

@vale0413 @littledeadgirlwalking @jaegeeeeer

[rcfcel]

*  /  𝔰𝔲𝔯𝔭𝔯𝔦𝔰𝔢  𝔟*𝔱𝔠𝔥𝔢𝔰  !  bet  you  thought  you'd  seen  the  last  of  me  !  lol  apparently  i  like  to  challenge  myself  and  just  haD  to  bring  in  my  new  man  so  yeah  hi  ,  meet  raf  /  rj  !  i'm  v  excited  for  y'all  to  meet  him  —  fair  warning  ,  i'm  starting  from  scratch  with  him  cause  i  got  #inspired  so  i  apologize  if  the  info  below  is  a  mess  !  pls  love  us  .

( tommy martinez, cis male, he/him ) i just saw RAFAEL MICHELENA walking down the streets of provincetown the other day playing CHATEAU by BLACKBEAR out loud. rumor has it that the TWENTY THREE year old is GENEROUS, but can also be AGGRESSIVE — overall they’re a MAVERICK. they remind me of LEATHER SEATS IN BLACK CADILLACS, CIGARETTES SMASHED TO ASHES IN ASHTRAYS, & MALT WHISKEY POURED OVER ICE. ( lenny the pooh, 5, antarctica, she/her )

—— * / 𝔱𝔥𝔢 𝔟𝔞𝔰𝔦𝔠𝔰 :

full name : rafael johan michelena

nicknames : raf , rj

age / dob : twenty3 / february 14 , 1996

gender : cis male ( he / him )

sexuality : openly bisexual

occupation : firefighter

hometown : provincetown , ma

label : the maverick ( an unorthodox or independent-minded person )

—— * / 𝔱𝔥𝔢 𝔰𝔱𝔬𝔯𝔶 :

so dear rafael here was raised by a single father after his mother passed away shortly after he was born due to complications during labour . raf’s father never really wanted kids as he’d been wanting to focus on his paramedic career and was worried he wouldn’t be home enough to be with his family , but his beloved wife had assured him everything would work out in the end — which , of course , it didn’t really because he was left alone with a baby boy he didn’t know how to take care of .

his dad struggled for most of raf’s childhood , having to juggle both his demanding career and an even more demanding child , but with the help of close family and a very generous family who lived next door and took care of raf whenever his father worked night shifts , it all did work out in the end , just as his late mother had promised .

despite his father being away so much , raf developed a very strong relationship with his father . when he was young , his father was away a lot because he was just starting in paramedics so he got stuck with the less desirable shifts — but as rj grew older , his father moved up the ranks of his career and finally made it into a position that didn’t keep him away from home as late , allowing the two to spend some actual time together .

from a young age , raf knew he wanted to save lives like his father . fun fact : one night when he was young and staying over at the neighbour’s house , he drew a little picture of his father in uniform and then drew himself wearing a little uniform too — the neighbour showed this to his father when he picked him up and the grown man damn near cried .

raf has always been super proud of his dad for chasing his dreams and taking on each obstacle that came his way . 

at first , he wanted to follow in his father’s footsteps and become a paramedic — which he did , for a short while . after his school graduation , he went to school to get his emt ( emergency medical technician ) certificate and then worked to become a paramedic , by the time he was twenty one he was working the same job in provincetown his dad had been when he was young .

after about a year and a half , raf realized he wanted more . as a paramedic he worked closely with the provincetown firefighters and had always found their bravery inspiring . he got along with the crew well and one night over drinks he confided in them about possibly following along their career path instead . of course they all jumped to say do it , while also giving raf good advice and facts about the job , but nothing they said scared raf away from it — if anything , he was even more excited .

so fast forward a few months , and a very gruelling entrance exam and training period , and he switched out his paramedic uniform for a firefighter uniform and joined his buddies in the station .

it’s been about a year now since he first put on that uniform and rj truly hasn’t looked back since . the hours are rough and the job is laborious , but it’s also super rewarding and he wouldn’t change it for the world .

currently , he lives in a cozy ass apartment in provincetown on his own , although he spends many nights at the station when he’s on duty so i have this headcanon that his apartment is like .. hotel raf lmAO like need a place to crash and get away from shit ? there’s a spare key under the mat .

—— * / 𝔱𝔥𝔢 𝔦𝔫𝔰𝔦𝔡𝔢 :

labels(s) : the maverick , the hedonist , the contingent

maverick : due to his father’s extraneous job , raf grew extremely independent at a young age . when he was finally old enough to stay home and take care of himself , he honestly thrived .

hedonist : working in such emotionally challenging jobs has taught raf to really live life to its fullest and treasure every moment . he never takes anything for granted and is almost always looking for a fun time during his days off .

contingent : while his independence is clear in how he can take care of himself and make his own decisions , raf is incredibly dependent on those around him for support and companionship . he struggles with being alone and is in constant need of company and friendship .

traits : generous , charming , aggressive , protective , passionate , diligent , indulgent , short - tempered .

aesthetics : leather seats in black cadillacs , thick ringlets curling around chiseled features , black jeans with a lighter in the back pocket , cigarettes smashed to ashes in ashtrays , malt whiskey poured over ice , callused hands stuffed in the pockets of a leather jacket .

soundtrack : honestly , i’ve been listening to blackbear during raf’s entire conception so you can literally just listen to his entire discography to get a feel for his vibe .

personality : while he inherited his father’s passion , drive , and general kind demeanour , raf definitely made a name for himself with his slightly mysterious aura at first glance — maybe it’s the mostly black wardrobe , the cigarette that usually dangles from his lips , or the way his brow creases whenever he listens to someone speak like they’re the only person in the universe , he’s a little intimidating at first — but honestly , anyone who really knows him would laugh at people who comment on his mystery : “ yeah , i thought he was gonna be a total asshole at first , could not have been more wrong though ” has definitely been said numerous times about him .

raf’s actually probably the biggest teddy bear in ptown . his heart is somehow bigger than his hair and he welcomes everyone into his life with open arms ( after a short trial run to make sure they’re not gonna fuck with him of course )

he truly loves his friends more than anything . i’m not kidding when i say his apartment is hotel raf cause legit if u need a place to crash , even if it’s 4 in the morning , you can knock on his door and he’ll likely even give up his bed for you .

wears his heart on his sleeve , probably a little too much for his own good , but thrives off of honesty and trust so he’s definitely your go to guy if you’ve got shit going on .

also your go to guy if you need someone’s ass kicked . he’s a firefighter for crying out loud , he drinks preworkout like it’s water and could probably bench the entire snack pack lbr .

he’s a big old hopeless romantic too — he was born on valentine’s day after all .

—— * / 𝔱𝔥𝔢 𝔠𝔬𝔫𝔫𝔢𝔠𝔱𝔦𝔬𝔫𝔰 :

once again , let me scream into the void that i am open to pretty much anything . lay it all on me , give me your worst and just rIP my heart out why don’t you . but ! below is a list of ideas i brainstormed up for raf 

i really want someone from the family that helped take care of him when he was little !

neighbours , childhood best friends , childhood crush / first kiss

gym buddies PLS give raf a buddy he can call up to go play basketball or challenge to a weight lifting comp LOL

past / present hook ups ! raf’s an emotional guy but his job is stressful as fuck and he def needs soME sort of way to unwind .

exes ! mayhaps they dated in high school and broke up cause theY went off to college while raf stayed back in ptown .

brOS OHMYGODPLS give me joey and chandler , jake and charles , troy and chAD

a brother / sister friendship pls ! someone he can be way too protective of .

platonic soulmates ! my fav !!

an angsty flirtationship / skinny love type deal .

—— * / 𝔱𝔥𝔢 𝔥𝔢𝔞𝔡𝔠𝔞𝔫𝔬𝔫𝔰 :

his apartment is suPER masculine . like exposed brick walls , brown leather couches , stainless steel appliances , dark oak tables and shelves , probably big windows all over the place cause he loves natural sunlight . and the whole snack pack 100% knows where the spare key is in case of emergencies ( insert that one scene of friends where monica’s like “ i gave you that key for emergencies ” and phoebe’s like “ we were out of doritos ” )

he’s got a lil grey pit bull named lily that he saved a few months ago ! she’s his pride and joy .

like .. rarely uses his phone . he’s got all the social medias , but only really checks it when someone tags him in something or whatever . prefers to call over text cause texting annoys him , he’s an impatient fuck .

definitely is the pack’s lil doctor . he’ll always unwind and have a fun time , but will 100% be on alert at all times for accidents or anything bad that could happen . and if it does happen , he’s first on the scene — i mean , why wouldn’t you want a licensed paramedic that looks like tommy martinez icing your sprained ankle right ?

he’s never really travelled much , aside from the times he’s been called to neighbouring towns / cities during big emergencies and such with his crew . he’s got major wanderlust and really wants to travel to venezuela and such , but he’s also perfectly content staying in ptown for now .

he’s a celiac — idk why , i just wanted to give him some sort of weakness cause he seems too perfect rn .

[icharchivist]

I’m starting back classes in 2 days and i admit i’m probably starting to freak out a little a h ah a h and that makes me self reflect again (i’ll find out how to get back to a therapist once the school year will be officially rolling bc i’ll sure need it a ha ha but in the meantime onto the readmores of the depth of my blog)

and it just... guh I’ve stopped going to any classes about 3 years ago exactly? Like, gave up completely, and that followed mostly that when i had a breakdown about 3 years ago i was having panic attacks all the time at the uni and ended up having hard case of... at least i’ll say “zoning out” bc i was panicking, except i was zoning out in the middle of the road and that’s STRAIGHT UP not a good time when you’re realizing you’ve almost been hit 3 times in 10 mins by a car bc of that man ✌

Like begining 2015 there was so much issues with my father back then, that’s when i cut ties, but i had that major breakdown i didn’t recover properly from, that had me eventually stop my studies back then and one of the reasoning was specifically “i cannot handle the stress of class on top of stress of my personal life” (which included the fact my family at home was always super toxic and honestly the more time i spend away from my ex-step-dad the most i realize how much unhealthy coping mechanisms i took just to try to survive with him at home while it drained all of my energy)

Like one of the things was that i would get yelled at if i didn’t do the dishes/wasn’t doing the grocery shopping or all sort of things and it just that i came back from school too exhausted + with my father stuff I legit couldn’t handle those stuff, so i threw out school so at least I could do the stuff at home i would get yelled at if i didn’t do, so at least i wouldn’t be stressed on that angle.

And that’s pretty fucked up to think it was one of my motivations back then ah ah ha h but survival y’all ✌

The thing is that then i stopped going to classes for 6 months so, then i started my art school bc i couldn’t stay without classes, problem is that my health got far worse back then with multiple sicknesses due to stress adding up and getting worse with the stress of school and of my dad and of the fact it was still bad at home, and the fact i straight up didn’t like the people i was in class with?? I mean they were fine and i was social with them, it was a peaceful environment but i was more kinda tolerating this and just.. trying not to bound much with people. And hey that worked out i have absolutly no idea who any of the people i’ve spent a full year with are doing ✌

The thing is that after that i tried the history uni and it’s when i started to have the panic attacks and zoning out and after one week i was just... too terrified to be around people. Like straight up terrified, i couldn’t talk to anyone, i was trembling when I was near my classrooms, I was on the verge of crying everytime someone addressed to me somehow, it was so so so so bad.

Anyway i dropped out that course after a week so y EAH and then i didn’t go to school the years that followed, bc there was administrations problems with the courses i wanted to take and i was asking help from my parents bc i was petrified at the idea of dealing with them and my parents didn’t help at all.

And tbh it would have been the same this year too over the fact it still completely petrifies me, except that this time my best friends helped me out organize, so i actually got through with the problems, and they’re fantastic and i love them-

But yeah now i’m thinking about the fact that it’s very likely the toxicness of my family made me close in and i started to be terrified of hanging around people i didn’t know well, that there is this sort of emotional effort to make that at least on top of the work i had to do with my family was too much. 

And now i’ve left my family, i still have to deal with the nastiness of my dad and god i’m so tired, i ended up blocking him the other day but it’s getting so bad and i’m so tired we can just say it’s ANOTHER trial because OF COURSE it is JUST ANOTHER ONE, because we’re a NORMAL FAMILY and *bangs head on table* guh not the point of that post, but that had been heavy on me lately there is so much annoying stuff happening familywise. 

And yeah I mean i’ve left but i’m far from healed from anything either and i just...

I know i’m good at talking with people sometimes, creating non threatening environment and all, being friendly, but i’m just panicked being around people. 

I live in a student room and the kitchen is common to the whole stair and i’ve been avoiding it for about a month. A. month. Granted also bc i don’t know how to make part of it works and i’m too stressed up to ask for help, but that’s... that’s part of the problem. I went there a couple of times but if i can avoid it, i do.

Anytime i needed to get cooking i came back at my mom’s place when she was away bc i’m terrified to just... spend time around people i don’t know. 

and i don’t know exactly where it’s from, bc like i mean i’ve been bullied all my way until high school but highschool were the most fantastic years i had socially speaking and i really opened up much more and managed to be far more social during that time, but then... then I guess just having dropped everything to spend all my time handling my family’s temper tantrum and be always hyperaware of their emotions in order to adjust to how i was supposed to work around that just ended up making me project that on everyone i didn’t know originally. 

And it suuucks and i’m going back to school in 3 days and i’m just starting to be stressed out over the fact i’ll sit in class around people and i don’t want to be around people and that a h ah ah ah a h 

and the worst is that i think i actually projected this attitude of mine online those past few years?! 

I’ve always been more social online, more ready to talk and all, hell especially this  blog, but while i have absolutly no problem with people coming to me, or even sometimes talking to people i’ve already grown used to see, then i’ve also grown terrified of like /posting in the tags/, of being seen by people outside of my comfort zone. 

And it... really wasn’t the case before but it is now and i wonder if that’s an extension of the fact i just... tightened my comfort zone with the year to the point of being absolutly panicked about coming out of it.

Like.. i guess it’s already good that I ended up moving away in a place with a lot of people, and man i feel so strong when i actually do manage to go to the kitchen and don’t completely freak out when there are people there.

But YEAH school back in 3 days that will be fun i hadn’t been around people in 3 years and last time i’ve been around huge group of people i had massive panic attacks, that’ll be fun that’ll be fun that’ll be fun. 

So that’s fun, that’s new, that’s something i’ll need to end up dealing with bc this is Not Reassuring but yeah i’ve kinda completely ignored that I had this social problem going on bc i had a hundred of others things to deal with and i’m just now realizing that huh yeah i’ve acted weirdly socially lately i probably need to get that checked and dig in to try to figure out what caused it and eventually try to stop being petrified for no rational reasons other than just... living in the same space as people terrifies me for some reasons.

That’s cool that’s cool that’s cool ✌ ✌ ✌ 

I mean that was to be expected that now that i’m getting out of the toxic situation that shaped my life i have to figure out where that left me and recover from it but i’m straight up not having a good time right now  ✌

anyway meanwhile i’ll just, keep staying in comfort zone with that blog as it is, no need to try to “force myself out of it”, bad plan, not healthy enough for that and i need to do that irl before doing it online, so that’s fun that’s fun, gotta need to find an appointment with a therapist asap, this is gonna be fun wee  ✌

[wonderer102]

12.10.20

I was gonna say how much I have progressed as a whole, I mean not really but sort of yes.

but tbh the last couple days have been kinda shitty. I just cried... but low-key for nothing serious idk I'm on my period and this shit sucks lol. like yeah the past few days haven’t been great, my anxiety has been insane and every time I calm down the tiniest set back makes me want to crawl up into ball. 

my anxiety about tennis has been terrible. I’m already not the fittest person, so not exercising for a month and eating shit will make me even fucking worse...

I somewhat knew I would take a week off once I came home and that it would two weeks to get back into things after my procedure. but let me tell you I literally ate everything in sight for two weeks and 0 physical activity. the first week was fun, I just idk in my mind I thought as soon as I get off my crutches I can exercise again... wasn’t exactly the case. my knee was kinda fucked off crutches. I got stressed that I couldn’t workout soooo I ate.. LMFAO. 

lets talk about day 1 week 3 shall we?

haha I tried to do the workout and half assed it. I told my dad I wanted to go play and he said okay for 3. we couldn’t find any courts, we found courts at 3:40 got to start hitting at 3:50 then I wanted to do the ball machine... the ball machine wasn’t charged so then I said we can serve I served for 5 min and my dad was like “do you wanna go”?... ARE YOU KIDDING ME?...

then I found out he had a meeting at 4... like couldn’t you tell me you have a meeting at 3:40? so we didn’t waste 90 min for playing fo 10 fucking min.

anyway day 1 was bust... I redid the workout afterwards tho.

now we are at day 2 week 3. I tried to do day 2 but I did half and stopped I was too sore from yesterday, I did some ab stuff, I tried biking today but the bike we have at home is for like old people so I couldn’t do the workout I was instructed to do (button 1). So I pretty much accomplished nothing today. I broke my Adidas shoes on that fucking bike (button 2). 

then try to explain to my mom my anxiety. like I legit feel like the world is ending. and she tells me... hold on wait for it... “stop thinking like that”

HALLELUJAH! thanks mom.

but whatever she doesn’t get anxiety or the environment of college athletics.

I feel like before I wouldn’t get anxious because it felt like my journey and now I feel like there’s a set path and timeline and I'm struggling to keep up.

but yeah so we had that conversation and then I was like I need to get out of this house, be myself, listen to music, drive and BOOM my car dies..  (BUTTON 3)

and hahhh I cry.

THE END

lol but no really yeah the last two days haven't been the best because nothing has been following through including myself but it’s not that bad to cry over.

my anxiety tho is lowkey scary.. like I don’t think I’ve ever felt like this before and it’s upsetting that it’s bc of tennis well actually I think it’s being away from tennis... WHOA.

[canaryatlaw]

Alright, I should get this written so I can actually go to sleep. Today was alright, not the best but not bad. I woke up to my alarm at 10:55 (again, setting up my schedule so I could sleep in multiple days a week was SUCH a good decision) then got ready and made my way down to the DV courthouse for my last shift for the time being, I’m hoping to get back there at some point depending on how the next few months play out. There was an amusing interaction with the sheriffs at the metal detector by the front where one of them was like ‘you work here?” and looking kinda doubtful and the other one was just like “oh yeah, she works here, she’s good” and the first one was like “well if you’re gonna vouch for her she must be good” 😂 it makes life much easier when you can get on the sheriff’s good side, so I try my best to stay there. Got to the clinic, ended up waiting almost an hour for a case, which I spent looking at the secured transactions flashcards I have written up so far. There’s no wifi at the courthouse (grr cook county why) so I just had it pulled up in a tab and was looking at them. I’m definitely going to need to listen to some lectures on the subjects, because there’s only so much I can take in from reading words without an actual explanation of how these things work. But around 1:30 I got pulled in for a case, I was the first one of the volunteers (there were probably like 4 or 5 of us) to get a case, so that made me happy lol I know they give me the more difficult ones because they know I know what I’m doing and they very much appreciate that, lol. It was a fairly typical case, woman filing against the father of her children (they had six kids together) because he wouldn’t stop showing up at her house like every single day, banging on the door and demanding to see her, so obviously that’s not great. He was also like, regularly climbing into her house through a window he had broken, like she’d come home and he’d just be in her house waiting for her, I was a little worried about whether it would be granted or not at first because harassment cases tend to be kind of a toss up, but as we got further into it and there were some physically violent incidents along with threats like “I’m going to do to you what your sister’s husband did to her” because her sister was killed by her husband. so yeah, not great stuff lol. What was really frustrating was when we looked her up in the system, this was like, the 6th year in a row she’s come to file for an order, and each time the case just kinda fell through the cracks, she’d miss a court date and it’d be dismissed, or they couldn’t serve him, just procedural errors that reflect the incompetence of the system.  But we got everything printed and filed, then had to wait quite a while because there was a backlog, which then of course meant once we got to the courtroom there were a ton of people ahead of us, because we were one of the last ones to file since we started an hour late. As soon as we walked into the courtroom and I saw the judge I was like 😑😑😑😑😑😑 she’s probably my least favorite judge currently at the courthouse, I know I’ve talked about her on here before because I’ve had past cases go bad in front of her. She’s young, really young, like she looks like she couldn’t be more than 30 but I know if she’s a judge she’s gotta be at least like, 35, all of which I bring up because younger judges often feel insecure in their positions and then end up overcompensating by lashing out at people. This judge was just extremely condescending and rude, treating the victims like idiots and insisting she take control of the entire process, instead of allowing them to speak she has to control the narrative and if it didn’t fall into her already decided model, then well that sucks for you. I started getting a little more worried at this point because I know the way the affidavit was written could be misleading if they didn’t read it properly (and by properly I mean reading the whole damn affidavit, which seems to be too difficult for some judges 😑), and if she wouldn’t let my client explain it could look like the situation was a lot less extreme than it actually was. So we finally get called, one of the last, it’s at least 5 pm at this point. so my client goes up, and the judge starts being super obnoxious and just snaps at her over literally nothing (she was mad the client would say “yes” before she finished her question???? like that’s not something to get bent out of shape over) and ended up passing the case and said she’d recall it in a minute, which was just like ??? really?? was that necessary?? So my client comes back and she’s like truly bewildered as to what had just happened and what she’d done wrong, and she started crying because she was tired and stressed and just wanted to get through this, and I got really mad because she had been doing so well the entire day, it’s a fairly regular occurrence for people to break down while telling us their story, but she had been doing really well, so seeing this happen when we were so close to the end was really fucking frustrating. but one of the female sheriffs I’m friendly with and I were able to get her to calm down a bit until the case got called again, and I was basically like I know she’s crazy but just humor her for now. So she goes up and I’m really having my fingers crossed this doesn’t blow up in our faces. They get through the introductory questions okay, then she looks at the affidavit and starts questioning why it had taken her a week to come in from the last incident, but she at least allowed my client to explain that him showing up has been a daily occurrence for months now, and that he’d regularly come inside her house without permission, and that seemed to be enough to sway the judge, so she granted the order and I really just had a big sigh of relief, that at least it was over and we got a positive outcome, even if I was still hopping mad about how my client was treated. like seriously, you’re in a courthouse that’s specifically dedicated to domestic violence, you’re dealing with victims here, not criminals, and there is absolutely no excuse for losing your temper on someone who has been brave enough to come here and try to protect themselves when that is really a huge feat. There’s just no fucking excuse. I noted it on my court report I filled out afterwards, but I kinda doubt that is ever going to be taken into consideration because sadly judges are largely untouchable, even when they act inappropriately. sigh. at least we won in the end, and hopefully this one will stick, she seemed very determined that she was going to handle this and I believed her. So we went back downstairs and I tried to control myself but basically exploded at my supervisor about the judge, which she fully understood lol so that helped a bit. But I headed out, it was like 5:45 at this point and The Flash came on at 7, so I was in a bit of a rush. But I walk down to the train station and while waiting for the train I ran into a friend from church who happens to be a lawyer as well, both him and his wife are and they work in public interest law, and they’re just super cool people, so I talked to him for a few minutes about how mad I was mostly haha before the trains showed up and we went in different directions. Train to the bus, bus is slow, so by the time I got home it was like 6:52, so I ran inside and turned on the tv, and was just able to heat up some food and sit down to watch the episode. I was of course excited for this episode because it had Leo in it, even if he’s not *my* Snart, he’s still a great character and I adore Wentworth Miller and his acting. There’s also the fact that we were getting Earth-X Black Siren, which I had mixed feelings about, partially because after the crossover I got really mad that they hadn’t written earth-x Laurel as part of the rebellion, and right after Sara had the confrontation with evil Lance they end up at the rebel HQ and both of them are faced with the sister they had lost and like, tell me that’s not an absolutely brilliant plan for a scene. So knowing they didn’t do that ticked me off, though I guess it makes sense that if Tommy and Oliver were evil Laurel might be too, but I thought her sister being murdered by Nazis would be enough to make her part of the rebellion, but oh well. As far as the actual episode goes, I enjoyed it for the most part, Leo was well used, his lines were always very fitting and witty, and I liked how he just completely saw through Barry in like two seconds. I kinda had to laugh at little at them trying soooooo hard to convince us that the entire team was so broken up about losing Ralph when like, nobody in the audience fucking cares about him and most are glad he’s “dead” (I’m pretty certain they’re gonna bring him back). Siren-X’s powers were pretty cool, the superhearing thing was awesome, and she seemed to be very power as far as her canary cry (siren cry?) goes. I really did like the climax moment when both Leo and Barry are down and Leo just cuts through the crap and gets to Barry, getting him to save the day, I liked it a lot. I feel like Siren-X could’ve been used more, though tbh I really didn’t need a Nazi version of Laurel Lance when we already have an evil version of her. Is there an earth out there where Laurel has powers and is a good person? Because that I’d like to see. Anyway. As soon as that was over I switched to Rise since Black Lightning is over now I can watch that live. It was an okay episode, didn’t really do anything for me, kinda felt like more of a filler than anything else. I laughed when there were like “it’s tech week!” and they hadn’t done a full run through of the show yet because on the one hand I’ve legit opened shows without having done a full run through, but on the other the idea of a school musical with that big of a cast to have not done a full run through until tech is fucking nuts. I also kept laughing at how much the principal was concerned about ticket sales, because ticket sales to the school musical are *obviously* such a huge source of income to the school that he should be this concerned about it (most schools would be lucky if they break even on the money put into the show by ticket sales). So yeah, not my favorite episode, but not bad. After that I was out of current shows to watch so I went back to Game of Thrones which I haven’t watched in a while, and ended watching 2x02. Pretty good episode, I continue to love Arya and just how kick ass she is with everyone, and I’m curious to know how this all plays out. I will say I was kinda confused by the last scene, because I admittedly had not been paying all that much attention, but it looked like Jon Snow was getting chased by a crying baby ?? Lol, that was an amusing thought. I had been slightly distracted because I was officially switching over my twitter account, which meant I was soft blocking all the IRL people to move them to my other account so my old one will just be for internet peeps. So I got that done and ended up being down like 120 followers 😂 but since I unfollowed a bunch of people that count had gone down as well so the disparity isn’t that big. I also changed my handle to match my URL here, so if you want to look me up my @ADACanary there. I have my account temporarily on private just so IRL people don’t get confused, but if you request me and you’re not an IRL person and like, don’t look like a super creeper (lol) I’ll approve you. But yeah, after that I basically started getting ready for bed and here we are. I have a 9:30 am PT appointment tomorrow, so hopefully I’ll at least have more time to study than I would’ve if I had slept in till like, noon lol. And yeah, we’ll go from there. I’m way tired now so I’m gonna head to bed. Goodnight my loves. Sweet dreams.

[moidse]

bro-- long time no chat!!

things have been better good lately between me and the partner. a few weeks ago- well probably more than a month ago now... i read a tweet that hit me about loving someone fully-- i felt like i was holding back because they are moving away, and so i was shutting them off slowly to protect myself instead of loving them fully-- because i had already made the decision that we wont work out when they move, and i realized that isn’t true necessarily. the future is malleable. And plus reading their ish about me sending emails had me stop cuz i was like ah. lol. but idk i have been feeling like im in a new funk lately

I just miss having good sex. I feel very uncomfortable in my body. I’ve gained a decent amount of weight in the last 6 months and I feel significantly less attractive. I feel bad I’m not having good sex and I do not feel confident that I could attract someone and have better sex with where my body is right now. I also feel uncomfortable to be on camera because of my body weight and I am too big for my cute outfits from last year. I also partly feel like I gain more weight when im with someone and when im single i push myself more to be fit to attract people and to feel more confident going on dates. I almost think I need a pause from hanging out with my partner until I have my workout routine down and i’m taking it seriously, because I know going to their house and doing nothing isn’t what I want to be doing anymore. I want to be working out and losing weight. I want to be working on my creative projects. I want to be moving forward. I need to continue creating content. 

I am missing having good sex again. which is a feeling that seems to swing like a pendulum. it comes and goes every month or 2. The past few times has been me wanting to top and touch my partner and they were like okay i’m cool with that now. and even before that it was about them touching me and why wont the go down on me and then after i complained they just did it, even though before they said they were too nervous. And it is amazing to think of, in the past,, idk 6 months how far they’ve come. They literally didn’t even want to be naked around me, didn’t want me to touch them at all-- and for the first time recently they are asking me to touch them now... but it still doesn’t hit right.... like when i have sex with them the orgasms are soooo small... i cum harder when im alone. which is the sad truth. 

This has all made me better realize how sex is something very important to me in a relationship. I feel like at first I was hesitant to say something like that because I’ve had people in the past act as if all I care about is sex and i’m a fuck boy... which, sex isn’t the only thing I care about but it is something I do care about and matters to me when it comes to dating and there isn’t any thing wrong with that. It took me years to except my sexuality and I learned there is no reason to hide my sexual wants and desires and I feel like people have acted like im some super horny sex freak when I just learned not to be ashamed of my sexual desires, literally like how must white str8 men are, but because im perceived as a black woman, i’m the one who is being deviant.

It took me a long time to accept my sexuality, and then it took me even longer to accept my sexually kinky bdsm desires. It took me so long to learn that there isn’t any reason to be ashamed of wanting to be dominated. I’m allowed to be more masc presenting and be a bottom. Like i really was so embarrassed about that for so long-- probably because I hung out with only str8 white cis men who would find it embarrassing if they wanted to be dominated, because they can only be dominate in bed otherwise other people might judge them... anyways im so glad i do not hang with any str8 cis white boys anymore, they really had a bad influence on me when it came to my views on dating, sex, and women. they all talk about it like women are real people and i also was guilty of that. i’ve grown a lot since being in college. It was when i was half way through college i started accepting the fact that i like the idea of being sexually dominated. i like tall women. i love muscular women. i love people who are tops, dominate, who want to be called daddy. I love all that shit. and when i would mention it to my white str8 cis dude friends they would react in disgust. and honestly it taught me if ppl react that way to my sexual desires that have taken me so long to accept, then they have no space in my friend circles. im basically done being friends with str8 white cis people. they are exhausting to be friends with. 

but anyways, last year,,, ehhh it always feels like it was last year but i guess it was two years ago,, well partly last year.. idk ... anyways when i met o**** That relationship was the first time I was open with someone I was having sex with about being trans and my dysphoria and they honestly responded so well and fucked me in very affirming ways and it made me cry because i had never felt such joy before when having sex and feeling gender euphoria. 

I always thought that I didn’t want to be in a relationship that was like butch/femme when i was a baby dyke. I used to not want a  relationship that even resembled heterosexuality in anyway. but when i was with o**** i felt we had that dynamic of butch/femme. like when we went out it was clear who the “guy” in the relationship was and it was me. it was clear I was filling that role and they filled the other role and to my surprise i loved it. I loved having that dynamic. I loved going to the sex shop with them and the worker helping me get a masc harness and then assuming they want a femme one. I loved knowing that out in public people see me as the guy in the relationship-- because I want to be seen as a guy in general. Being with them opened up this whole side of gender euphoria I had never felt before. That relationship helped me better understand what I want and am looking for. Not to mention the sex was amazing, the best i’ve ever had. 

When we first started dating I would top them and it felt great and amazing. Then when I opened up and said I like to be dominated too, they just slide right into that roll with little to no hesitation. And then they started dominating and topping me and found that they really like it. It was the hottest sex I’ve ever had. I’ve always wanted to be dominated and having a dominate femme is so hot. My sexual dreams were finally coming true. And because things were so easy for us sexually I think I just assumed it would always be that way. 

Its unfortunate that o**** is such a manipulative person otherwise I’d still be talking to them/fucking them. I still think about approaching them with the idea of just having a sexual relationship and not romantic and see if they are interested. but now isn’t a good time with rona. but anyways, Things working out with us so well sexually I assumed that would just be how it is if I open up and share my wants and desires. I didn’t want to be dating o*** I just wanted to be dominated again and I had gotten it out of my system and they confessed that they still see me as the love of their life, which is the opposite of how I felt so it felt like things should end here. But lets be real, I str8 up dropped them, ghosted them, because I no longer needed their fuck because I had found someone new k****. As soon as k**** said they thought I was cute back I was like BINGO and I legit just dropped o****. I felt like a beast. I felt like a boss ass bitch. Like damn, I have never gotten back with someone to have a good time to just drop them once I found someone new that maybe has potential. 

But me feeling like a boss ass bitch came to a halt when like a day later or something k**** was like im really busy with pride and then im leaving for the summer. I was like wow great. I really didn’t want to take this L so I went out of my way to hit on them constantly at cpride as much as I could. Then I finally got them to agree to see be before they leave. it went well. then over the summer I was soooo anxious about every email. I just didn’t want them to lost interest in me and also it was hard to respond to their emails because they were boring lmao. I also was stressed because there was like zero flirting going on and every time i’d try to move the conversation there they would take two steps back. This made me even more insecure and not sure if they even liked me. And I made the stupid move of not trying to hit on anyone else out of fear of them coming back and me having to pick one or explain and shit. meanwhile they were dating other people. its so annoying. its so annoying that im the one not satisfied and they got to date and be with other people... but i guess thats just cuz no one else wanted to be with me......I was literally only okay with it cuz i thought s***** liked me and they didn’t... they lowkey played me... but also i should’ve taken the mixed signals as a no, but i wanted to believe it so bad, and it was confusing when they said they want to make out with me more. i thought i was in... oh well... it happens... it just sucks to be rejected. i always feel like the people i want the most never want me, or like the hottest people, cuz i didn’t really like them deeply just mostly sexually. it just sucked because they were giving me every thing k**** wasn’t. being lovey and affectionate towards me.... and we never fucked but they were very open about being a top and wanting to dom and so i was like *tongue out emoji* 

bleh... i just have been missing being dominated lately... i mean i fuckin had a dream about s***** topping me... askvask it was good in the dream....but there is something depressing about k***** having like zero daddy energy. like i really didn’t realize this was gonna happen... like i was str8 up gooped when they casually texted me saying they don’t fuck... i was like wait what?? i felt played that they waited months of us talking and emailing to say that. And I stuck by them cuz I had already formed an emotional bond-- but i’m realizing the tricky part about this is that like having to wait to have sex with someone,, like I never knew if we would be a sexual match and honestly neither did they but it wasn’t a deal breaker for them.. i just feel bad to like help them come out of their shell and feel autonomy with having sex for the first time and shit and for me to be like well you aren’t my type sexually. but it is the truth. they aren’t my type sexually. like the other day i mentioned wanting to be dommed and they were like i dont do that... and i was like ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.... i need to be more upfront and say im looking for a top/dom/daddy, or someone who switches and is down to play that way some of the time. cuz this none of the time shit stank. 

I mean, they look hot, don’t get me wrong. they look so good in their little body suits and they really make me wanna top them, but its like they have no confidence in being a bottom too. I feel like that’s why this shit really stank. at first they was like yeah i’ll touch you but dont touch me. But also I am not into being a top/dom. but also you can’t touch me so this is all you can get. Me, unenthusiastically rubbing you off. but now that they do let me touch them, it’s like i want the whole bottom experience. like shake ur tiny ass for me baby. run ur hands up and down ur bottom. show me how far you can stretch ur leg. I want a sloppy slutty bottom. I want them to shake their ass on my d and bend over for me. Tell me how good it feels. I want our sex to be so hot we can’t keep our hands off each other. We have phone sex and send voice memos because we just need to hear each other cum. I want them to want to ride my d. 

I feel this way every 2 months or so... idk what to do about it. I don’t want to break up with them and be alone. I do want to be having sex with someone else... I just dont have any prospects. 

lets hypothetically think about the idea of bringing up to them that I want to fuck other people. lets say we have that talk and they are okay with it. My worry is if i meet someone nice who fucks me good i will just leave k****. 

i just miss being topped and I dont think I will ever be sexually satisfied in the relationship I’m in and it’s just unfortunate because I was very patient with them and waiting like 8 months before I could even touch them and they seemed comfortable having sex with me and it’s like, waiting that long i was never sure if we were sexually compatible and we just aren’t. And i understand they mostly have been with asexual people and it hasn’t been an issue but i think this wouldn’t have happened if in the beginning we had a conversation about sex to see if we are sexually compatible. 

[gaaragirl22]

Chapter two

Hey! You guys ready to see how Harrys dealing with his Dear Captain attentions being taking or how about what Gils been up to!?! Before I forget the beginning half before the two months marker is a progule telling Iridessa mother story. All mistakes are mine~~also I’ve never read the books so these are pure head cannon. ENJOY!!

Ashnah fought to stand as she watched Merryweather, Flora and Fauna flint into the room. Their wings bringing a low glow into the room allowing her to fully see the dark robes the others were wearing. The sound of heavy rain following in their wake as though the heavens knew what they planned.

“Ashnah…Dear, we know it’s hard to fully understand but some…” Flora trails off looking to Fairy Godmother. Her hands wringing around her wand.

“Are just born Evil. It’s something we need to accept…”

“If I held that same belief,” She whispers looking to Adam and Belle. Her vision wavering as she walks towards them. “ You would have never met!” At her tone her daughter beginnings to whimper. As she tries to soothe her cries she can feels her slipping from her arms she frantically tries to hold her closer…she may be tried but even in her most exhausted state she hadn’t wavered. “Change can happen it takes time and patience-”

“And a willingness to change.” Belle interjects. Taking her husband’s hand she walks forward stopping a few feet before her. “It’s not only us who fear these Villains and their children there are other kingdoms that need our protection and guidance….please Ashnah.”

Her world began to sway as the thunder rumbled from outside the room her daughter cries rising in volume. Dropping to her knees struggling to hold on to her cane, she sees what was bringing about this weakness.

An absorbing stone! They weren’t here to attempt to change her mind…. they were here to capture her. As her daughter opens her mouth to cry aloud. She can feel her own tears fall her heart twisting as she struggles against the encroaching darkness. I’m so sorry, My love…

Two months later If one were to ask anyone on the isle about Captain Hooks only son, Harry Hook, you’re bound to hear a variety of things… “He’s insane! I once saw him challenge a poster to a staring contest…and WON!”

OR

“He’s a flirt! Personal space isn’t a thing he fully understands…I kinda like it.”

OR even.

“He’s Uma lapdog! Comes scurrying anytime that little shrimp-UGH.”

But only one opinion matters to Dear Harry, his Captains…

“He’s my first mate…Are you gonna order or what!?!?”

So we find Harry sitting in Ursula’s fish shop watching his Dear Captain speak in hushed tones to the new girl…he watched as she allowed her to stand close and touch her, even allowing her to cook in the kitchen!

She rarely lets him go back there!

Jumping up with a growl he kicks his seat over. She’s only been here for two months! She hasn’t earned the right to touch Uma she’s barely earned the right to look at her.

Stalking towards Uma who was scanning one of Gils designs for the ship he doesn’t notice how fast the other crew members were scurrying out of his way. His eyes glued to his Captain… the firelight causing her skin to glitter, her hair seeming to shift between midnight blue and seafoam silver. As she looks up with a raised brow causing him to nearly stumble as she stared directly into his eye’s.

No One looks him in the eyes save for his sister and on the off chance he can warrant his attention…his father. When he finally grew curious enough to care as to why they’ve said because when they look too deeply they can feel themselves falling to madness and while that description made him giggle and was great fun for some time he grew bored of people avoiding his eyes…it didn’t stop him from tormenting but it wasn’t as fun…till he met Uma.

The one who doesn’t-no, won’t look away instead she’ll laughs or scoff. The one who knows the method to his madness, who knows how to rail him back from that edge…or fall over it with him. As he slides to her sides making a point to lean close.The new girl comes out of the kitchen carrying a large dish that smells strongly of spice. Gil rushes over with a wide grin trying to grab the dish. He watches as she sits it beside Uma shooing Gil’s hands away. Offering Uma the first bite…not just offering holding it out as though it was an Auradon delicacy.

Grabbing Uma’s arm he glares murderously at the new girl. He doesn’t care how useful Uma thinks this girl is! She was taking privileges with Uma that raised his hackles. Glaring he fails to notice that Uma’s mood has now moved past amused to…very…agitated. “Harry!” She shouts yanking her arm back. Looking first at the silent crowd that was eagerly watching the trio. She looks up into his eyes.“Let’s talk…”

As she leads him into the kitchen he can’t help but send the new girl a grin and a wave. Standing in the cramp kitchen Harry can’t help but stare as Uma pushes out the workers. Like a raging monsoon or perhaps a better description would be a tsunami she sweeps them out all waving arms and cutting glances, before turning to him. A chill goes down his spine as her eyes settle on his.

This was gonna be fun.

She leans against the countertop flicking her hair back with a huff. “What’s got you so deep in your feelings?” She asks staring him down.

He could answer honestly and say that he wants to hook the new girl within an inch of her life…but he’s still not sure how close they were. The safer bet would be to blame Mal or any of the other traitorous VKs.

“I saw that it was close to cotillion time again and couldn’t help but imagine you in one of Gil’s frocks.” He answers stalking closer he reaches out to touch her hair.pausing as she grabs his wrist her touch causing another chill to take him. Her touch almost felt like a burn as his attention went fully to it. He looked down into her face she was looking at him as though she could read his soul and…found the pieces he was hiding.

“Right…Iridessa-” She began letting go of his wrist . Pausing as he decides to come lean beside as though he couldn’t be away from her side for long. “is helping me figure out how we’re getting off the island. So I need you to be on your best behavior.”

“Why haven’t you brought me in on the deal?” He leans closer catching a whiff of her hair. The scent of sea salt and vanilla making his mouth water for a taste. Raking his hand through his hair he refocuses on her voice.

“When I’m sure that this plan can’t fail…trust me, I’ll let you know.”

“Wait-”

“Uh, who’s the captain,again?”She asks folding arms straightening her back to come to her full height….a few inches below his shoulder.

“You are.” He concedes with a smirk. A shiver going down his spine as she puts her hands on her hips.

“You are?”

“First mate.” He moves to stand before almost Kneeling to get in her line of site his breath leaving his lungs as her eyes settle on his with a smirk that can only be described as sweet.

“That’s right. Don’t worry I won’t leave you in the dark too long…just long enough to make sure this is legit.” She runs her fingers through his hair rising a sigh from him. “Let’s get back out there. Remember best behavior.”

As she walks away he takes a moment to catch his thoughts before they wander too far into x rated territory. Walking back into the dining hall he see’s Uma sitting next to the new girl….Iridessa. Quietly he moves to slide up to Uma’s side making sure that she sees him. Grabbing a bite off her plate he sees that Uma has a list written in what looked like a foreign script. It would help if he knew how to read…glancing over Uma’s head to see her smirking with a mischievous glint in her eyes as she touched Uma’s arm.

Uma had asked him to be on his best behavior….but she didn’t say anything about Gils.

// // //

Standing outside of the Villains villia for a good four hours wasn’t what Gil had in mind for his first off day in a long while. But Uma said if he watches for at least a day she’d let him rework the ship’s layout. Working on that would prove to be the most fun and stressful thing he’s ever done. Telling his father that he preferred sewing and creating things instead of fighting or destroying property almost paled in comparison…until he remembered how hard it was to explain that he wasn’t quitting Uma’s crew he just wasn’t focusing on the family business.

Anyway back to his duties Uma said that the Villains might say something that could be useful to them….how? Magic was useless unless you get out of the barrier and even then you’d need a magic item as powerful as Fairy Gods mother wand to bring down the barrier. Mal’s mom had a pretty powerful staff but she’s a lizard, now.

Groaning he reaches into his shirt pulling out the sack of snacks Iridessa gave him since he missed all the clam crisps. As he munched on the dried and spiced roots he sees Evil queen walking out with a bunch in hand along with her every present mirror. Cruelle followed behind yelling instructions to some poor fool who wished to fill the spot their children left.

Quietly….well as quiet as he can be follows the two listening as their conversation varies between old lady talk, ‘Remember when I had control over the entire north west border…Oh those were the times.’ and their desire to act like they weren’t using the five fingers discount. After what feels like hours Gil decides he’s had enough. He’ll just find some other way to rework the ship’s design. As he moves to leave Evil queen asks a question of Cruelle the stops him cold.

“What do you think happened to my magic mirror?” She inquires staring into a particularly shiniest pot.

“The same thing that happened to Maleficent’s spell book…that museum!”

“Oh I don’t know maybe my evie stills uses it…keeps a little bit of me with her…you know?”

“You just want the mirror back!!” Cruelle cackles.

“Yes! Can you blame me? Fits right in the palm of your hand. You can do a complete outfit check and find the nearest prince.”

They rest of their conversation dissolves into bickering but Gil was already gone. His excitement at hearing some kind of useful information makes him tear down the street and straight into Harry.

“What’s put a flame under your feet, Gilly?” He asks grinning widely as he grips the back of his shirt as he tries to walk away.

“Oh, it’s nothing…really! I just got to get to Uma… really fast.”

“Oh, well.” Harry sighed releasing his collar. “That I can understand….about what exactly.”

Taking a step back Gil eye’s the first mate with his usual exasperated expression. He wasn’t going like this…like at all.

“I would tell you, really, I would but Iridessa said that this is like a super secret mission so…” His stomach dropped as Harry’s face slowly took a frightening journey. His eyes squinting, his smile dropped a hard cough exiting his lungs before he folds in half with a crazed fit of laughter. Leaving Gil to wonder if he can make a break for it…

As he moves to slide past a hand lands on his shoulder the grip tight making him grimace. Slowly he turns back to the face that haunts his nightmares…his only seen it once when he and Uma had falling asleep together on the ship…it was cold and there was only one blanket! It wasn’t his fault!

“Gil,what am I?” Harry asks leaning forward staring intensely into his eyes. His mind began to race. What could he say that wouldn’t get him punched or pushed on his butt. He could say son of Hook but that’s a who not what…maybe a close friend but he might not agree with that. Oh, what about first mate to Uma, he might like that. “Gil!”

No time to pick! “You are Harry Hook, son of Captain Hook, close friend and first mate to Uma!?”

After a beat Harry raises a brow, tilting his head. “Right, First mate.” Letting go his shoulder. “As first mate I’m the one Uma comes to for advice and to bounce ideas off of. Which means?”

Not another question he didn’t have the brainpower for this! if he keeps this up he’ll forget what he supposed to tell Uma!

“I’ll find out about this mission she sent you on and…” Harry continues pausing to dust off his shoulder. “I’m sure she won’t be all too happy to hear that one of her crew was trying to go against her.”

His mind begins to race again would he be going against if he kept her order. But Iridessa was the one who told him to keep it a secret…but Uma agreed! Does that count?

“I’ll let you be on your way then…” Harry began offering a deep bow before his back.

“Wait!” Gil shouts his hand outstretched dropping it as Harry turned back with a wide grin. “You’re gonna find out anyway, right?” At Harry’s nod he continues. “Maleficent gave Mal a spell book and there’s a chance it’s in a museum or she has it.” He breathed watching as Harry’s face fell.

“That’s it!” He shouts Throwing his hands on the air before vigorously motion at him. “That was your mission!”

“Hey, I worked hard to get that. You stand outside for hours with only veggie snacks to eat! It’s not as much fun as you would think.” Gil says folding his arms in offense. Dragging his hand down his face he looks up at the sky. With a heavy sigh he reaches into his coat pulling out a small tightly wrapped gray box.

Holding it out he says, “Take this to the new girl.” As Gil takes the box he pulls him close staring into his eyes. “Don’t.Open.It.”

“Where are you going?” Taking the box he’s surprised by its wait. And by the fact that Harry never gets anyone but Uma a gift.

“To Do my duties as first mate.” He tosses over his shoulder as he picks up a rock tossing it in the air.

Shrugging Gil heads to the shop. He had the information and a gift to deliver. What she need the information for wasn’t that important to him. Uma rarely did anything to endanger them. She didn’t force them to join like other crews she just…knew what they wanted and gave it to them. She knew that he had no wish to join the family business so she gave him a way out. Whatever she was gonna do with this info probably won’t be used to hurt them…at least not if Uma wanted it.