#I’m just saying u know my mental health is bad when I’m back to posting about it on tumblr like it’s 2016

[nikasbae]

“You cut your hair but you used to live a blonded life.”

Nika Muhl x Reader

A/N: this is my first post in a couple of months bare with me 🙏🏼

Warnings: angst (if u even call it that) , language, mentions of suicidal thoughts , mentions of suicide , not proofread

You and Nika used to be inseparable. You guys met back in second grade when you had first moved to Croatia and she came up to you first. As time progressed, you guys both got into basketball and, before you both knew it you guys had full scholarships to UConn to play basketball. Unfortunately, during the midst of that, you guys both started slowly drifting apart and you broke down each night wondering why.

Junior Year of College

“Happy Birthday Niks, hope we can talk more in the future. Hope you have the best day, wish you nothing but the best.” your read the text over and over again before you sent it. Although you guys play basketball together, you had suffered a season-ending injury during the first game of the season.

“I just wish we could talk more, you know?” You told Paige as you looked down. You had felt bad, you spent most of your time wondering why Nika changed. Was it you? Was it something you had done or said? Those were the questions that kept you up at night. “I’ll talk to her for you. I’m sorry you are going through this.” Paige said as she pulled out her phone to text Nika.

That night, you stayed up thinking about all the times Nika made you feel bad and how she still was.

#1 - You and Nika went to a house party, and Nika left you out the entire time. Barely talking to you, and at the end of the night didn’t tell you that she was leaving ultimately leaving you to have to call an Uber.

#2 - Nika liking photos , tweets and videos mocking your ACL tear , even reposting one onto her public story. Fans were quick to assume there was something going on between you two, but you were nothing but positive to her. You didn’t even know yourself what was going on.

#3 - Nika drunk texting you after you spoke on what happened, calling you a bitch and a attention-seeking whore. You knew she probably didn’t mean it but it still hurt you. Drunk sayings are usually sober thoughts.

#4 - Nika liking comments under your post talking bad about you. You tried reaching out to her multiple times with the result of, no answer.

#5 - You posted Nika every year for her birthday but in the 14 years you had known each other, she never once had posted you. You wondered what you did to her and didn’t know why she was doing this.

#6 - In the course of a year, all the things that Nika did took a toll on your mental health. You experienced suicidal thoughts and never opened up to anyone about it. Ultimately leading up to you trying to take your life, but getting talked out of it by Paige and Azzi.

Senior Year of College

You and Nika were back on talking terms, becoming inseparable once again. The thoughts never left your head about what Nika had made you experience. You decided to open up to Nika about everything. “Hey niks, can we talk?” You said leaning in the doorway of her room in your shared dorm. “Yeah what’s up?” she says look down at her phone. You then went on to tell her everything, you felt yourself tear up a little while telling her. “i’m so sorry.” Nika said as she consoled you while you cried. She didn’t realize what she had done but she was willing to overcome it.

A/N: this is lowk rly bad im so sorry it’s 2:55 AM rn and I can’t sleep 😓🙏🏼. also please like if u enjoyed it 💔

[luveline]

could we get a glimpse into asf birthdays post-hogwarts? maybe r is having a bad time and isn’t feeling good and she worries that her sadness is ruining fred’s birthday but actually fred would rather spend his birthday in bed with ghost than at any sort of party. no pressure though lovely girl <3

love u!! fem!reader

cw mental health issues

Fred didn’t plan a party for his birthday. He works it out like this; it’s his birthday, and he loves you, and you don’t like parties, so he doesn’t really want one. He wants to spend an important day with his most important girl. He wants to see his family for breakfast, and so you go, and that’s enough of anybody else for a whole day. 

“What did you want to do for dinner?” you ask. 

“We just had breakfast.” 

“I know.” You frown at him in a faux of annoyance. “I’m just asking, so we can prepare.” 

“We’re gonna order something. No preparing. A feast. George might come over.” 

“If he doesn’t, he should be ashamed of himself.” 

“I’ll tell him you said that.” 

“Tell him!” You wrap your hand around his wrist for a few seconds. “Don’t tell him.” 

You seem a little out of sorts today. Making your very best effort to not let him in on the secret. Too bad for you, Fred knows you now. He knows when you’re depressed, when you’re freaking out, when you’re about to tip into overstimulation. He reckons he has a thirty percent chance of rescuing you, but he can see the guilt already taking shape on you. You’re unhappy, and you’ve never felt as ashamed of it as you do now. 

You’re squirming. 

“You know what I want for my birthday, lovely girl? You’ll never guess.” 

“What do you want?” 

“I want to spend the next couple of hours in bed with you.” 

You manage a smile, though you’re not in the mood for the innuendo you’d misheard. “I don’t know if…” You list off as he takes your waist into his hands, as he pulls you stomach to stomach and leans back. His hands twine over the small of your back. 

“I wanna sleep with your hands in my shirt,” he says. “That’s all, Ghost. Not seducing you.” 

“You can seduce me.” 

“Maybe I’ll try again later,” he says offhandedly. “Will you come and lie down with me?” 

“I know what you’re doing,” you say, letting him pull you as he begins to steer you from the kitchen doorway to the hallway into his room. Your room, just as soon as he asks you to move in. Most of your stuff spots the room, and there have long been drawers emptied for your perusal. 

The birthday card you got for him lays open on the nightstand. He guesses every penny you’ve been paid in the last month was spent on his gifts. He doesn’t understand when you’d managed to buy all this stuff, ‘cos you’re always together, but presents and wrapping paper still lay at the end of the bed as proof of your secrecy. It’s impressive and worrying. He likes it better when you have no secrets.

“I’m gonna need a wheelbarrow,” he says. 

“Surprised you know what that is.” 

“Oh!” he says, pulling the duvet back, and encouraging you down into the mattress with a gentleness that contrasts his snarky tone. “Oh, oh, oh. You’re being mean. That’s cool, I can be mean too. I’ll be so mean.” 

He takes his presents from the bed to the dresser and shakes the blanket out, little shards of papers and tape falling onto the floor for later cleaning. You’re watching him silently. You hold out your hands. 

“Aw, babe,” he says with a sigh, climbing into bed and on top of you, his face slotting in the space over your shoulder. He closes his eyes to breathe you in. Blind, the smell of your perfume is stronger, sweeter. 

“Are you okay?” you ask him.

“I love the way you smell.” 

“Freddie.” 

“Sweetheart, I’ve never been better in my life.” 

You curl your arm behind his back. He has to stress how it feels, the perfect weight on him, the perfect size, everything about you is what he wants and he shouldn’t be surprised at how much he loves you, but it catches him off guard anyways. He really, genuinely, just wants you to be as happy as he is —he wishes he could take your unhappiness and put you on better footing. It must be quite disconcerting to feel sad all the time. 

Fred worries it’s scarier than you can handle. The last thing he wants is for it to overwhelm you. 

“You smell like heaven,” he mumbles, pressing his nose to your neck. 

“Sorry.” 

“I don’t want you to be sorry.” 

“It’s your birthday.” 

“I know,” he murmurs, “you got me all those presents. You gave the cutest wake up kiss anyone’s ever gotten.” 

Good morning, you’d said quickly, pressing a soft peck to his lips, your hand on his cheek. Happy Birthday. 

“I don’t know what’s wrong,” you say, nearly breathless. 

“Nothing has to be wrong, Ghost. It’s okay if you don’t feel very well.” 

“It’s your birthday,” you repeat quietly. 

Fred gives you a smattering of soft kisses. “I know, but it doesn’t matter,” he promises, “don’t feel bad. Let’s just have some quiet time. Maybe you’ll feel better tonight.” 

“What if I don’t?” you ask. 

“I won’t mind.” 

You slip your hand up behind his shirt, fingertip trailing over the ridges of his stretch marks. You’re obsessed with them, and you always say the same thing when you feel them, a whisper he can barely hear. “You got too tall too fast,” you say, fingertip higher, hand flattening as you reach the space between his shoulders. “Do you think you’re done growing now?” 

Fred has no idea. He tells you as much, the afternoon spent whispering conversation until you turn quiet. For a while you cwtch in quiet, and he gives you a couple of minutes to yourself to make lunch, which he eats and you thank him for but don’t touch. By dinner time, you’re feeling well enough again to sit up. You hold his hands and ask if he wants to watch TV. 

It’s a great birthday. 

[wispscribbles]

hi i just discovered your beautiful art so i obviously needed to scroll down your whole blog to catch up on everything you posted haha

i just wanted to say that i got way too emotional after reading that post of yours regarding mw3 and your mental health… on one hand i’m so sorry that you felt that way, but on the other i feel it with my whole heart

ghoap content especially for me helped me these past few months with my mental health in ways i would never have expected, it was my solace and inspiration, i started working out too and got back into drawing, got a lot better at it as well!

but unfortunately i get way too fixated on fictional stuff and there comes a time that my brain switches up and connects the things i liked and comforted me with things that make me extremely uncomfortable and stressed out, especially if i fall down a fandom rabbit hole that i would never have searched up, beacuse i know myself, i know my limits and triggers but i feel like i’m not a part of the fandom if i don’t like and interact with every single headcanon, art and ship

these past days i was really down because of that, and the things i read (why did i do that???) and now when i think of ghoap i think of that stuff and im scared that i alienated myself from the one thing that made me happy

but discovering your art and with that your post reminded me that im not alone in these feelings, even if it’s not the same exactly, and i wanted to thank you, for sharing your thoughts that time i guess haha <33

((sorry for rambling))

Long reply under 'keep reading' !! CW: talk of triggers and MCD

Always feel free to ramble my way!!! How nice you could find some comfort in my art and ghoap stuff. Especially in my mw3 post. I've been considering deleting it a few times, but hearing it maybe helped to read in some way makes me happy I left it up.

I get where you're coming from - I very much use these fictional characters as a safe space, but ppl view them very differently. There's room for it all, "don't like, don't interact" is very much a policy I agree with. It's important to mute words and be aware of your own triggers as you browse stuff in this fandom, because there's such a wide variety of stuff out there. You do NOT have to interact and agree with every thought people have on this ship, that's impossible and super stressful. There's plenty of stuff and headcanons I don't vibe with. There are no 'requirements' that you have to meet in order to enjoy fiction.

It's part of why I enjoy ghoap - that their dynamic resonates and has sparked so much creativity and outlets for so many - but it also means there's gonna be a lot of stuff u don't necessarily agree with or feel comfortable with. For example, a lot of folks use the MCD in mw3 as a way to explore grief, which I think is really cool, but on a bad day that could potentially get my brain in a bad headspace, so I only check out that art and those fics when I feel okay. There's also a bunch of stuff I'd never want to interact with, and that’s fine !!

I'm personally quite vanilla and a sucker for exploring the softer, more domestic aspects of these characters. It's what brings me joy. I know there are parts of this fandom who don’t vibe with what I make at all, and would call it untrue to the characters. Some creators enjoy exploring the more violent or toxic sides to the source material. That's just how it is, we all need different things from fiction. As long as we're capable of chilling in our respective sandboxes, then all's good.

But if you're like me, and enjoy the softer things, then definitely be aware and careful while exploring this ship and fandom. I've seen takes on these characters that are so far removed from how I view them, that they're basically the complete opposite, and it can leave a very bad taste, especially if you're the type to hinge your safe space on fiction.

Just... be mindful of yourself and your potential triggers, be respectful and don't interact with things that make you uncomfortable to the point of feeling unsafe. Shape your own online experience to your best ability.

Hope you're doing okay and still find joy in ghoap <3

[signanothername]

UT/UTMV Asks Masterpost (part 1)

This will only include silly asks

*tip! Those in red text will contain an explicit discussion/visual display of some sort of trigger/content warning, these could be blood, emotional or physical abuse, emotional manipulation, death, self destructive behaviors, implied or discussed suicidal ideation, suggestive content or other sensitive topics

*tip! Those in orange text will contain an implied or mentioned trigger/content warning but no explicit discussion/visual display

*tip! Asks with 💬 are without art, only text

Let me know if I missed color coding anything :)

haha short nightmare short!! shorty!!!

obsessed with how u do killer btw.

I WANT TO EXPLODE YOU

Could you draw a Nightmare sitting on a cut tree trunk (their mom)?

Just wanna say keep up with the angst

Mean girl Nightmare

He’s just a silly little girl causing some chaos <3333

Could I please have a little sketch of nightmare "protecting" Dream from Cross

Bad Sanses reaction to Shatter Dream?

When confronted with his future self, Passive's first instinct is to push Dream behind him 💬

*Explodes but not in a gay way*

*Returns back just to explode in a gay way*

I forgot to kiss the homies goodbye.

What do you think about swapdream?

Why do you like Killer 💬

If you had to give your favourite sanses vehicle modes what would they be? 💬

Nightmare, do you still love your brother? If you don't why don't you kill him at all?

Consider nightmare in grunge fairycore fashion

Killer with kitties

What gave it away????

if there‘s a „Something New“, is there a „Nothing Old“

opinions on skeleton appreciation day :>

cat socks

Color spectrum duo

Guest offer

i’m so happy to see ccino getting more attention!!

ccino our cutie pie <3

i thought nm was doing the mr beast pose for a sec lolol

opinions on Asylum Sans (Asy)???

do you like afterdeath??? Can we get some?

Gaster’s Horrortale request

REQUESTING FOR MURDER!SANS ART

A tiny Nightmare sketch

Shapshifter

do you have any other plans for misplaced hatred? im kind of really obsessed with it

Do you think you might add more onto the misplaced hatred comic soon?

Silly sneak peek

Murder sketch

Nightmare sketch (foreshadowing????)

Bitty Nightmare

Bitty Killer

POKE HOLES IN THE TOPS OF THE JARS

Doodle without context

doodle with your non-dominant hand

Burnt at the stake

Mad scientist Killer

fugly ass heels

Yummy angst

Frenemies

Friend dynamic

Nightmare angst

Fresh

What if the Apple incident was more historically accurate for the time

Sci

Wips and sketches

Ink has certain devices that helps him in warning that he's ruining low of paints

can you do a doodle of nightmare with his hood up please?

Gay

Killer stress ball

What if Nightmare had hair

Consider Nightmare

Hey Dream can you make something or someone health Nightmare's legs or make some mental legs for him?

Frisk and Chara

Ccino and Nightmare

Ink and the Nightmare gang

Horrortale

who is your favorite utmv papyrus?

i love your work so much man it's like the highlight of my day when you post ‼️‼️‼️

That's mean that Killer is probably a Sugar Daddy

i love how you're just THE killer sans person now

I want somebody convincing Dream to smoke

What do you nightmare does, keeps Negativity balanced or he just spread Negativity 💬

What kind of music do you think the bad sanses listen to

bro i'm such a fan of error just massively shitting on nightmare 💬

If Killer are interrest by Cross’ blood and Souls, did he’s interrest by Cross’ unique soul ? 💬

If Nightmare's an ice-cream flavour, what would he be? 💬

What do you think is Killer's favourite ice cream flavour? •w• 💬

Something about Killer is actually scary to me 💬

His fire burned out a long time ago 💬

Golden flower tea 💬

Wait, I'm sorry but in the comic where Killer almost cuts someone's eye out, is that Color or Nightmare? 💬

the short kings go for the kneecaps 💬

Hey, do you think it'd be funny if Killer and Nightmare gossiped about other people together? 💬

nah i can't belive killers just resting his head on nightmares lap like that while nightmare pets him 💬

If Nightmare knew about every spectrum he was on 💬

they, for no particular reason, are wearing cat ears

Cat coded Cross 💬

What is your opinion of Killer with freckles

Silat Sans

I think Toga and Ochako are very Colourkiller

Soriel

I was wondering if there were any nightmare ships you like? Romantically or Platoniclly 💬

Killer costume change

What do we think of apple twins being able to do photosynthesis because their mother is a tree💬

either think THEY'RE the taller twin and that's what they tell everyone

What do you think everyone smells like? Especially killer? 💬

do you think NM could grow or make shift wings out of his tendrils or goop?

Killer and lil Paps

Human Nightmare and Dream

[thesingingrevolution]

the way winwin carefully scheduled his year around the wayv comeback but sm suddenly switched the comeback dates up on him and he ended up not being able to participate ... and THEN he cant make it to the versache event cus he has to talk all of this out w the company.

yunquis r so strong... i would not be able to deal fr. how do u do it???

first of all thanks for your message 🙇🏻‍♀️💌

personally, i felt so upset and disappointed when the news broke :( it was bad enough it was gonna be an ot5 comeback, but when it was revealed it was because sm changed their pre planned schedule it made me angry. i understand that winwin has other important activities and if it was his own choice to sit this one out, i would have respected his decision and happily supported the other five members. but the fact that he went out of his way to ensure his schedule would align and they couldn’t even respect that.. it made me really sad. as far as we know, there is no reason this comeback had to me moved up. they just did it. and i’ve never seen anything like it, how can a company not respect their artist in this incredibly basic way? it’s heartbreaking.

i wish winwin stays in nct because i truly love him and i love his friendships in the group and his contributions etc etc but stuff like this makes me wish more and more than he only does what he needs to do for his career and happiness, regardless of how we feel. these transgressions are too serious in my opinion, to the point that when wayv were promoting on my youth during the last few months of 2023 as a proper group it almost felt like a fever dream. a full group promoting a comeback together should not be a rare occurrence. it’s so so so sad and wayv as a whole deserve so much better. the fact that i felt absolutely no excitement over this cb and haven’t even looked at concept pics or listened to any songs says so much. i will eventually, but it hurts right now :( i will need some time to get over this. not the fault of any of the members, of course!!! will always love and wish then the best.

moreover i hate that this feeds into the idea that winwin doesn’t care about his group. it’s such a common sentiment in the (toxic/misinformed/immature) parts of the fandom. if anything, winwin’s actions and deliberate desire to partake in the cb tells us the EXACT OPPOSITE. if he didn’t care, he clearly wouldn’t have gone through the trouble. like you’ve said, it’s causing more issues for him. so why would he do it if he didn’t care? i’m glad some clarifying posts went semi viral, and there was a decent amount of outrage. rightfully so.

as for how i do it….. my friend,, it’s not easy. to be honest, i have had periods where it wasn’t good for me (last summer, for example, i had so much free time to dedicate to kpop and it started affecting my mental health when i saw my fav neglected and disrespected all the time). thankfully i am better now and have been for a long time, it’s really embarrassing to admit kpop can mess one up like that lol but i hope people can be honest about how they feel since it’s very real in my experience. i try not too think about it too much and keep busy with other things, i took a huge step back from stan twitter and i only follow a few yunqi accs who post updates/positivity and don’t engage in fanwars and spread aggression across the internet. as for his company, it’s a bit more complicated. i feel as though his potential has never been fully realized, which is sad for a seasoned idol so many years into his career. but it also gives him so much space to grow, every now and then i am so surprised by his incredible work in other areas, because he was held back so much. i am so glad there are people who recognize his potential <3

i also try to remember that even though i love nct and its a huge part of my life, it’s just music and no matter what happens things will be alright. we will always have the good times and memories and that makes me feel better when i get upset. lastly, i learned to primarily focus on my own friends and my own thoughts. just last night, i told a friend i love winwin the most and she said she likes him and that he suits me as a bias. all my irl kpop stan friends have been nothing but supportive and sweet. and in my own head, winwin is the best, i dont have to think about his company and random people online to hold that opinion, and at the end of the day my thoughts are the only ones that really matter when it comes to this.

i’m sorry this is so long hahahha, but hopefully it explains a little about how i feel about all this!! once again thank you for your message 💖

[vintage-brass-tc]

End-of-Year Update! 7/3/2023

TL;DR - Everything worked out and M and I had an in-depth conversation about it. He reached in and gave me a hug and told me that there was nothing to worry about, and that he would never hate me. Everything has been great since then, and through band camp back in May I’ve really been growing closer to U!!! <333

More in-depth post below ❤️ so good to be back, and I’ve been doing way better than I was in that last post.

~~

In regards to my last post, everything worked itself out. During my audition for the following year I expressed my worry to him because, inevitably, he brought the whole email situation up as the only thing about me that bothered him; he said there was nothing to be concerned about with me and that I was absolutely golden otherwise.

He was simply under the impression that I gave his band program a bad rep by expressing how much it had constantly stressed me out, whereas in reality I’d only say that stuff in passing, that stuff about being stressed, reason being that I was being too hard on myself for little mistakes or I was simply just exhausted from the labor.

Seeing as I’m not physically active, feeling super exhausted should be perfectly normal, but my parent thought the directors were overworking me. Simple mistake— she was just looking it for me, but in a fit of worth she has written the message, causing all of this miscommunication.

Anyway, I told him that, obviously, I loved him and would never speak ill of him or antagonize him, because he doesn’t deserve that. I told him that I owe him so much and don’t want to disappoint him, yada yada, and as much as he shook his head nervously and told me “It’s not about me”, I just kept going. I think he was a little worried about my priorities, but he listened to me. At this point I was bawling…so you know. He kind of had to.

When I told him I was so worried and had been constantly stressed out about him absolutely hating me because of something I didn’t do— and if I did, at least not to the extent described— and told him I was afraid he’d shun me for the downright disrespect that was sent his way, that he’d kick me out of band, and, lastly, that I had been crying every night and losing sleep thinking about every horrible scenario, I think he realized how much the issue screwed with my mental health. He immediately stood from his chair and told me to “Come here.” and gave me a hug to reassure me that it was all going to be okay, and that he would never, ever hate me for this.

We spoke about the reality of the situation and both agreed that he had not been giving me an hard time like the hostile message suggested; in fact, just as I had suspected due to his overwhelming compassion and kindness with complimenting me over the years, he expressed that he was actually giving me special treatment and being super nice to me instead of singling me out and belittling me in front of the class, “Because that’s… not how you work.”

He was being very concrete and slow with this statement, like he had begun to brainstorm and confirm his thought about what would happen in he DID treat me this way, mid-sentence. In a regular scenario, he stated that he knows I’m super critical of myself during rehearsals, “So I know I could just give you a look and you’d fix your mistake the next rep.”

He just told me he needed to be fair to everyone else by calling me out for what he’d get into others for doing, even though he’d been constantly letting it slide for me. That’s why he had called me out. I told him that I knew he was going out of this way to be considerate and understanding towards me, and that I had never, ever taken that for granted. In fact, I love him for his sensitivity towards his students, and I told him that.

I was still sniffling and I asked him for one final hug to ease my tensions, and that hug was so comforting. It was like a metaphorical weight of guilt and stress was lifted off of my shoulders. “So…is it over now? Is this issue resolved?” I asked him, and he smiled at me, almost amused with how I had asked this despite our whole therapy session. He responded with a simple yet powerful “Yes”.

And I thanked him. He told me to have a great day, and on the way out I thanked him again. That was that. When school had ended he was eager to stamp my yearbook, whereas U told me that he’d “only sign it on even years”. He was making a on-the-spot joking statement, obviously, but I just gave him a look and walked out, respecting his wishes. Haha.

Then after school was out, we had band camp, and I spent a whole lot of time with Mr. U, really getting closer to him!! I’ll write more about that soon enough, but things have been lovely. ❤️

Thank you for your patience and I’m happy to be back!!! This community is a big family for sure, and I always love reading y’all’s updates and ramblings and writing my own!!

[stuckinapatriarchalbullshitland]

Hello I wanted to know ur thoughts on a few things. Do u believe Camren are still together? As I’m finding it hard to tell they seemed to have stopped the hints they always gave us unless I’ve missed them? The other thing is this circus was it C’s decision this time if so then I gave her way too much credit or is it him again and his team? I just don’t understand why she agreed she said herself how bad her mental health was during it now seems to be doing it again anyway. I guess when I look back C did warn us about it in a way she started having bangs again which she had during the circus then she got rid as soon as it was over. She posted Tarzan a few wks ago which again she barley did once over. I just hate it and makes me feel sick when I see them and how smug he is honestly he seems like a horrible selfish egotistical talentless boy and the narrative makes this so much worse. I’m also worried about what cc4 is gonna be as the snippet she shared I didn’t like not just bc the pr but the lyrics themselves seemed so basic and unlike her her last 2 albums they had to ruin most of it with the pr tho u could tell who the songs were really about but I fear this one will/has been written to tell a fake love story of them. I really hope I’m wrong but without good music there’s nothing left like with L i ended up not really liking her songs and having to deal with all her bs constantly I’m not really a fan as it’s just too much. I really hope I’m not gonna feel the same with C as I really connect with her from the beginning and she helped me a lot. Camila the album is still my fav of hers and seems to be tue most authentic of who she is and her talent. Hope I can share ur thoughts on this pls ❤️

I don't know, but I'm very off Camren lately, so I can't say much about it 🤷🏾‍♀️

About Showmila, I think that we all that had about was a promo stunt, and that's all. Time will tell as always

[buckyseddie]

hey, guys!

i’m going to be honest. lately my mental health has really been holding me back and hurting me to the point that writing has been something i haven’t had time to do. i do have a few fics that i’ve finished that i’ll most likely be posting. but, recently, about a week ago, i was told that my grandpa was diagnosed with leukemia and that it was in his bones. my family and i had made a plan to visit him a few days after we found out because it was assumed that he didn’t have long and that it would be just DAYS before he’d pass—the pain for him was just so bad that it was imperative that we see him as soon as possible. but, then, things only got worse. it was only a few days later that he was worse than ever and my family and i had to see him before something worse happened. i remember being in the waiting room for hours and all i wanted to do was cry and never stop every time i heard the updates and someone would comfort me. when i finally got to visit him, i felt so scared and sad because he had changed a lot since the last time i saw him. it hurt to see him like that. but, i got to say my goodbye, even though i didn’t want to see him like that and the fact that that was my last memory of him and i keep remembering him like that. after that, an hour passed and i wasn’t in the room when it happened, but he passed away. i didn’t break down until i got home and i swear i’ve never cried that hard before. i keep finding myself criticizing and being mad at myself for getting so upset about him, even though my reaction is so valid. it’s because i grew up with a family that didn’t allow me to be upset or sad or make things about myself. looking at pictures hurts too. listening to music or seeing grief around me kills me. all i can think about is how grateful i am for the time i got with him. though it’s true i didn’t see him much this year, due to the fact that he lived a little bit away from my family and i and because we had different lives and things going on. but, i did however get the memory of him seeing me graduate a few years ago, even though i thought he wouldn’t make it because he’s been fighting cancer since around the time i was born. i’m eternally grateful for the fact that i have those memories and that i got to say goodbye because he wasn’t just my grandparent. he was my best friend and the person who helped raise me and taught me lessons and someone who was more like a father figure than anything else. and although i feel grateful, i’m still hurting because i barely made it out and felt the grief of losing my great grandma last year in july. so, i’m not sure how long it’ll be but i don’t think i’ll be able to write for a while. i’ll still share stuff and be active and share fics, etc., but other than that, i don’t know when i’ll be back to writing. maybe i’ll even channel this all into a good-ass fic. but, i won’t hold myself to any pressure to. thank u all for the support. i love u all, and please, PLEASE remember to appreciate what u have when u have it because it won’t be there forever. i hope u all are well.

[chellyfishing]

i haven’t done a what i’m playing/watching post in awhile so let’s do that (no spoilers)

(thanks for finally fucking adding a read more button in mobile, jeez)

been watching nge with phil for a bit, we’re quite near the end and would be done by now if i hadn’t had to press pause cause my mental health unexpectedly got real bad 😔 thank u bestie for your patience with me 🙏 i’ve been promising to do this with her since forever and i feel pretty shitty bringing it to a halt like this lmao.

last night bella and i started watching channel zero on a whim, we’re nearly through the first season aka teeth child the child made of teeth. i don’t know how intentional some of the humor in this has been but i’ve actually guffawed out loud at some points. i feel like it is somewhat meant to be a bit cheeky and dark since it’s kris straub-derived, you know in that way when something fucked up happens and somebody smiles and says “everything’s fine” as if you didn’t see the fucked-up thing with your own two eyeballs. that kind of funny. (“these are tortillas.” you know what i mean.)

we also binged good omens season 2 in one afternoon. uhh i really enjoyed it. i liked how it decided to tell a smaller story this time. you know how so often in shows and things the stakes have to keep escalating. and good omens started with the literal end of the world so they were like hm. let’s just scale it back and tell a love story or two. all on this one little street. like… it feels like fun supplementary material to the first season. like a tie-in novel kind of thing if that makes sense. i dunno it just feels kinda like… the right move. it makes it more, dare i say, human and personal, which kind of dovetails well with the themes of the first season. like a little complement. and ofc. the casting and acting are just so exemplary. i have a crush on every boy.

we’ve also watched some movies. i’m not sure i remember them all but here are the most recent ones:

i watched the heathers musical (a proshot is free with adds on roku). here’s a confession: i’ve never seen the movie and didn’t fully know the plot other than murder? so i was like hm maybe the teen suicide satire was not the best choice for a bad mental health episode. but anyway i watched all of it. the performances are really good, especially heather chandler who just ate every scene and knew it. the songs were pretty good too, dead girl walking and i say no were probably the best ones. ohhhh and i loved the actress who played martha, she was flawless. it was pretty fun(?) but weirdly like… sincerely uplifting for being a dark satire. more has been written by people who know much better than me about the “musicals for teens” trend so i won’t go into it but it feels like this is an extension of that.

i also watched legally blonde the musical (uploaded probably not legally to youtube from when it aired on mtv in 2007 so the quality isn’t amazing but it’s perfectly watchable). it is a lot of fun. a couple of weird added-in race things? but again, it’s from 2007. oh but i hated paulette’s intro song and i just don’t understand why they decided to do… that with her character. just a baffling choice. the actress was really good though. we also did some dissecting about how they gave elle less agency in her own empowerment in favor of emmett doing it which wasn’t a great choice!!!! anyway definitely not as good as the movie but very fun as a supplement to it. and dogs!!!!

i saw the autopsy of jane doe for the first time. it was a pretty good time! some really good spookenings and lots of little fucked-up things happening, which is what i like in a horror movie. i’ll definitely watch it again.

we watched infinity pool and i just don’t know exactly how i feel about it! i prrrrobably won’t watch it again actually, but not because it was bad, just because it was like, ah well that was an experience, but not one that needs to be repeated. the themes and ideas were good and executed in an interesting way, i think ultimately it’s just not exactly For Me. however mia goth as always is perfection. remember when i saw emma period and i said harriet stole the show. i was ahead of my time.

we also watched influencer which might kind of be a new favorite! such good acting especially by the lead. just loved all the choices it made, most of which i was not expecting. a good fucking time tbh. also absolutely gorgeous scenery, every frame a painting truly.

a little while back i watched gone in the night with winona ryder. i need to stress that i watched this in two halves a couple days apart cause that really drove home how fucking off the rails this movie gets in the latter half. the first half is a pretty standard intriguing mystery and then the second is just like let’s answer all these questions in the most out-there way possible short of bringing anything supernatural or aliens into the mix. not a good movie i’ll be honest!!

i really want to see talk to me, which will maybe be on streaming next month but probably only for renting/“owning” blah. also red white and royal blue drops next friday! i think that’s gonna be a fun time with the girlies.

i haven’t really read anything lately, i started a book a few weeks ago but haven’t really had the mental fortitude to focus on it.

as for the games i’ve been spending some time with my switch lately. i’ve messed around quite a bit in zelda, did my third divine beast. i have to admit, guys. i just really fucking hate the weapon degradation system. combat in general in this game just isn’t a thing i enjoy at all. it’s very hard for me to get stuck in which is why it’s taking so long to finish it. i have to spend so much time breaking and changing weapons and i just really really don’t like that. and then hitting with the weapons isn’t fun and then they break again. which is a shame cause i like so many other things about it. exploration is like my favorite thing to do in games. if it wasn’t so bogged down by the stupid weapon system i’d be having a lot more fun. idk why this choice was made. it wasn’t a good one. at the very least they could have made things not be SO brittle so that it’s not SO VERY MUCH of the gameplay. but anyway. I like collecting all my little items and making little gear upgrades and throwing things in a pot and seeing what comes out, especially when it makes that little noise that means you did real good.

i also have finally got back to hadesgame. I remember why i stopped!!!!! because i feel like i’m hitting my head against a wall and not actually getting any better!!!!! but i have done lots of little side things, upgrades and relationships and prophecies and things. plus it’s just a really good time sink, which i’ve kind of needed lately. i could switch on god mode at any time, but i know i can succeed without it, i just… don’t know how. cause i am constantly not succeeding. blaaaaaaaah.

(playing it has made me need to listen to hadestown several more times tho. as an aside.)

i also started kentucky route zero. i like it a lot so far, but it’s like reading in that it’s not an instant gratification colors and noises game, it’s something i gotta focus on, so it’s been a bit slow. still, definitely my shit and i’m looking forward to seeing where it goes. might have slightly spoiled myself trying to find out if the dog dies but. whatever. the journey not the destination.

i’ve probably watched more stuff but i don’t really remember it. that’s probably the bulk of things from the last couple months anyway. happy august ig.

[wonderlandpixiesworld]

I found my LiveJournal accounts from when I was a teenager yesterday. I was reading though them realizing nothing has really changed.

The last post I made was over 18 years ago.

"It's amazing just looking into the sky,

it's odd to feel so at ease,

just watching the clouds go by,

Its beauty is so calming

or maybe it's just a dream

a dream of hope, peace, and happiness...

I have this constant wonder

what will it take to reach this place

I find myself constantly pondering

why me?

what did I do so bad that I must not deserve this?

the stress is becoming so overwhelming.

that somedays I feel like giving up,

somedays I just feel as if my world has crashed

I feel like I'm falling back into that deep dark hole inside myself

but that is one of the few things that keep me fighting

because in that deep dark home inside myself

in that place lies years upon years of misery

the frustration,

the anger,

the depression,

the self-inflictions,

the pills,

the drugs,

the sleepless nights,

the nightmares...

this pain that kills so many...

that I survived...

Looking out the breezy fall weather sets in

the gusts of wind throw beautiful colored leaves twirling into the air

to be wildly thrown until they have been crushed and destroyed

but yet long after they have been dismantled,

they still do not rest

some are buried,

some are burned,

but yet every spring they come back

and bring their beauty and strength with."

Reading those entries was maddening. What I feared has become true. I'm trapped. Alone. Feeling as if I have no one. I've lost count on the number of times that I’ve tried to commit suicide. I should be dead right now. I should've been dead a long time ago.

Life gets better huh? Lies and bullshit. I hate how I feel now. I feel like I’m just existing. Flowing back and forth, day by day. Timelines are blurred. Another night I pray I don’t wake up just to wake up and curse the world. I’m so lonely but I don’t know how to reach out and make friends. Nothing for me to talk about. Everything inside is so twisted and turned around. I feel like I have nothing to contribute to anyone. I just wanted a life where I was happy. I thought at this point in my life I thought I’d at least have a partner. But no, I couldn’t even have a single healthy relationship. Just kept picking the wrong ones. But that’s life right. I’m supposed to learn from my “mistakes” but apparently, I just don’t learn. Not too surprising though. It’s me right. All I am is a burden. And now knowing I’m not wanted here, in this house… I really have to get my shit together so I can get the fuck out of the way. Because that’s what I am, I’m just in the way. I wish I wasn’t a complete idiot and had answered those background check questions differently. That one fucking question. Could’ve been done with this shit already and out of the way, no longer a burden to those around me. If I take my life, I’m labeled selfish, but aren’t those who say that also selfish? I’ve been living in this mental torcher for a quarter of a century. Nothing changes. I’m living in the same hellish existence. I can’t remember the names of the multitude of medications I’ve been on, and nothing seems to help. Even like right now, being taken off meds to get a baseline. I feel pretty much the same off them, then I did on them.

I must deal with not just living in the mental hell of depression, anxiety, ADHD, Bipolar, BPD, C-PTSD and OCD side of life, but the physical as well. I struggle living with Fibromyalgia, MS and a few other health issues. I’m stuck on disability. Finally found a job where I fit in, that I was good at. I felt like I had a purpose. Job paid like shit, but I loved the job. But the MS took that from me. So much has happened in my life already, and it feels like there’s always something that adds onto the struggle. I’ve been reliving traumatic events from the past. Trying to figure out why I can’t let go of the trauma I’ve been through. Trying to find the grey in a black and white world… I don’t understand why I’m still here. What my purpose is, what the universe has instore for me. I don’t even know who I am anymore, but then again, I don’t think I’ve ever known who I was. I’ve just spent my life trying to make everyone else happy. Searching for a place to belong, but every time I think I’ve found one… it gets ripped away from me. I’m coming to terms with the fact that I’ll always be alone and this hell I live in will continue to be my life. Hospitalizations, medications, therapy. Nothing gets better, nothing changes. But I’m still here fighting and I don’t even know why.

[reverlybios]

September 4, 2023.

So this is my first post back on here…I need an outlet and a release from everything. My mental health is well shit like unfortunately most Americans.

A little about me, I’m a single mom of a 4 year old boy (no, I’m not okay), I am a true Libra born on October 2,1997, so I’m 25 years old. Currently I work as a Ophthalmic Technician at a specialty eye surgery center,but I I am also studying for my real estate license.

Recently I just made a huge transition in my life to move from Florida to New York. When coming to this decision I really didn’t have many options and a lot of people don’t actually know why I ended up moving. At the time I was living with my son in a nice house, in a nice neighborhood in the suburbs and working full time, going to school for nursing full time and obviously being a full time single parent. My son started acting out in school and he ended up getting kicked out of school, so I panicked but I found him a new school and he started there and shortly after he was suspended from that school for similar behavior as the last school….once again as I single parent confused and not really knowing what to do and with no one to really turn to for help and advice..I had to miss work and school and important exams that unfortunately I could not make up. I quickly gave up on school to tend to my child and within the week of him getting suspended and with no child care I had reached out to my one main support system, which was my sons dads mom(my sons grandma).

My sons Grandma had recently moved from Florida back to her home town in Upstate New York and was really no longer around to help. Although we did talk on the phone and what not it wasn’t the same as being in the same state obviously.

She told me that maybe it would be best for my son and I to come to New York and just relocate. I hesitated on this idea. I thought maybe he could go visit his grandma while I figure out another school situation for him to come back to.

Side note: My family and parents live in Florida but were not helpful in any of this really.

After thinking about my situation….I decided to send my son to New York with his grandma while I packed up everything in Florida and moved myself. THIS WAS NOT EASY. But I knew I needed help and support from at least one person who could, would and actually WANTED to be there for my son and I. My son left that weekend and saying goodbye to him was the hardest moment of my life. His grandma flew down to Florida picked him up and then they both flew back to New York.

Two months…It took me two months to find a job, a place to live and pack up an entire house by myself…(Which I did) Not only that but I was moving to a state I had never even been to before which was so intimidating in itself… but it was for my son… for him to have family around and so I could have support to thrive and take a bit of pressure off of m in general.

Two months came and went… Before I knew it I was packing up the U-Haul and getting ready to hit the road…Yes Drive…I rented a 15 foot U-Haul with a drive on trailer attached to it and my car on top and started the roughly 20 hour and 1,244 mile drive from Florida to New York…Oh and by myself…which I still can’t believe..

The trip was not as bad as I imagined I stopped only for gas and bathroom breaks..I did end up getting lost in both Pennsylvania and Washington but in about 25 hours I had arrived at my destination. My sons grandma had found me a multi-family upstairs apartment in the city of Syracuse. I was actually really excited to start a new life and just new opportunities and experiences but I was most excited to see my child again. His grandma had him in an at-home daycare being watched by a family friend who had also watched his dad so that was cool. My son seemed to have been doing well there.

Fast forwarding now to 5 months living here.. I have felt kind of lost, I’m still not quite use to living here in the city being that I am from country suburbs, I don’t necessarily want to move back to Florida I don’t think that’s the case at all but I really also don’t want to live in the inner city of Syracuse. New York on the other hand is an incredible state. Lots of activities to do. The weather is much better than Florida. The mountains are insane… not only that but I’m 3 hours from New York City and about 3 Hours from Canada, which traveling has always been a big part of my life.

Here is the thing…At this very moment I feel like I went backwards, I had a nice house like I mentioned in a good part of the suburbs and, my income was comfortable and I was going to school. At the end of the day I had to do what I needed to do for my child but I don’t know its really hard, and all the changes I really think have been affecting my son…his behavior and attitude is different. I know that four year olds have their moments but in combination with my mental health everyday is a struggle to not just give up. I struggle to allow myself to believe that I made the right decision and that I can thrive wherever I am at.

I have been actively searching for a therapist and seeking help for my mental health, I really don’t wanna get worse… I just wanna be happy…

My son also starts school in two days in the city WHICH MAKES ME SO NERVOUS. It’s just so different here. I don’t even really know how to move because this is all new to me so I really don’t know how to teach it either. I’m struggling to say the least.

I really don’t think anyone will read this but that’s okay because writing as a release may be my thing.

-Beverly.

[mygnolia]

anon pls give examples with evidence as to how sav as been a 'big dog' or 'fucking horrible..' i have never and will not defend anyone, including my best friends, when i think they've done something wrong. i have apologized for things i've said and accusations i've made that hold no truth. you cannot use simply the bad parts of someone's personality and online persona to justify your hate and simply disgusting behavior towards them. i have people in my life who i dislike. would i ever hide behind a screen and say disparaging things like calling someone a bitch, a hoe, and fucking horrible? no, because i actually can respect people without agreeing with their actions. i will never be able to do what you do and say such horrible things about someone else through a blank persona. and don't even like, try to explain why you did it? cuz help "yeah i said this and this because if she simply didn't want hate sav should turn off her asks" or "she's a bad person so it's ok."

i think you simply forget the concept that we're minors and we're all fucking kids. she didn't commit a crime, hello??? jesus strike me down if sav did something racist or homophobic or ableist cuz yeah, maybe certain things shouldn't have been said or done, and maybe she had room to grow. i can acknowledge that everyone, including me, has done things they're not proud of. the point is, unless you're her friend or mutual, you don't know how she's grown. i've literally heard her talk to us about things that she knows were wrong. it's so unfair for someone when you simply label them based on their past.

"Well, what if their past is all i know about them?" girl, with peace and love if you only know someone's lore, you have no basis on who they actually are. idk what else to tell you. people change and people are different. just because you don't see them do it doesn't mean it isn't happening, and it doesn't mean you're justified for the shit u spread about them hello...

also i did a bit of internet stalking LMFAOO and the last post that was negative was literally a month ago LIKE AUGUST 25TH. and sav literally explained they were irls so yeah i’m still waiting on those examples. and no you cannot fucking go off of vibes or aura be fucking fr w me rn

tw suicidal thoughts//depression//bullying

as someone who, simply fucking put it, has wanted to take their own life over baseless accusations made about them years back, and has faced insane amounts of unsolicited backlash and has been shit talked for shit i know i grew past, it's extremely disappointing to see narratives being written about people when they're simply not true.

i'm not even talking about my experiences with poor mental health as a scapegoat or sob story for doing the things i did. I treated my friends badly and severed relationships with some of my closest friends--but people can tell if you've changed and grown OVER TIME. people can tell when you've learned from your mistakes and apply it to the present. the things we talk about are never simply for entertainment for fun-- if it's a genuine criticism about something we noticed, i can literally show screenshot proof of us talking about it professionally with genuine things we think are problematic.

it's draining. it's fucking exhausting to deal with knowing a group of people will not keep their mouth shut about you. it's terrifying to walk into a room full of people who know shit about you, your relationships, and twisted lies about who you are as person without you being able to defend yourself without looking like your grasping for straws. some people, including the people in my real life (because yes i fear i have a life outside of tumblr) will do anything to say shit about other people's appearances, actions, past, etc. some people simply talk shit to talk shit. is it ok? never. is it common? yeah, because we're literally all in highschool...we're all immature LMFAO i don't know what you expect from high-schoolers.

i hate bitches like u who think theyre the shit and try to act like theyre the big dog like hoe almost nobody fw u anymore cz ur fucking horrible 😭😭

i don’t come on here to pretend i’m the “big dog” i come on here to write and leave. i also don’t care if anyone fws me. never once do i think/act like i’m the shit. i also don’t care if i’m horrible either, if that’s someone’s opinion on me, oh well? so thank you & have a nice day.

[decalexas]

🥲

[kermittedfelony]

grey skies

Summary: Y/n has recently relapsed with self-harm. Their partner, Wanda, is aware and is there to help them with the urges and the aftermath. Let fluff ensue <3

WARNINGS descriptions of self-harm, cursing, mental health themes.

Pairing: Wanda x reader

Word count: 1936

Hey guys! First real request for @ilovehotactresses !!!! Sorry I haven’t posted much lately, just struggling to find the motivation to write but I promise you I have 2 WIPs and ill gladly take any requests u guys give. Anyway, here’s the story, enjoy!

Love, Kermy <3

Tap, tap, tap.

Your foot, going up down up down up down.

Tap, tap, tap.

Your finger, in rhythm with your foot.

Tap. Tap. Tap.

All you could focus on. Well, all you would allow yourself to focus on at the moment. The movement, the repetitiveness, was a way for your anxiety to (hopefully) leak out of you. Drain from your body and your mind before it got too much and overflowed. If it overflows, your arms, stomach and thighs suffered first. Your confidence and pride came next.

You launched upwards from your seat on the bathroom floor, hands grappling with your drawer, frantically grabbing the blade you hid. Each slice, red flowed. Each slice, you felt your anxiety leak from the wounds, escaping into the open air. After you were finished, you felt lighter. Freer. Less burdened.

But, as always, your high came to an end.

You were left feeling devastated. It had been a 9 month and 24-day clean streak. 9 fucking months. Down the godsdamned drain. You numbly cleaned yourself up, not feeling the antiseptic, and curled into a ball under the covers of your bed. You lay there, mourning the loss of your hard work and commitment.

It was sometime later when you felt hands wrapping around you from behind and the soft vanilla scent of your girlfriend, Wanda.

She talked softly into the space, “hey, what’s going on?”

You gave a quiet murmur in response.

“I didn’t quite here that, wanna say it again for me?’

“I fucked up Wands, I fucked up really bad,” you said, louder this time. Sobs wrenched their way out of your throat, making Wanda hug you tighter before lightly pushing you onto your back so she could properly talk to you.

“What happened y/n?”

You closed your eyes and tried to turn your head away from her, but she held your chin in place, her emerald eyes meeting your y/e/c ones. Tears fell from the corners of yours as you admitted, “I lost my clean streak.”

It took Wanda a moment to know what you were talking about, but when she understood, she pulled you into her chest and held you as tight as she could.

“Oh detka. Oh, my sweet detka.” She cradled you, slowly rocking, as your tears soaked her shirt.

The sense of your failure weighed you down, threatening to pull you down, down, down deep, so you held onto Wanda. You held onto her so tight your knuckles turned white. Wanda herself could tell what you needed, the sensation of being anchored, of not floating away. She squeezed you back just as hard.

“I’m here my love, I’m here. You’re not alone in this, and if I have it my way, you never will be. I know it’s hard, I know it feels like you’re never going to win, but you can do this.” She moved to grab your face and lifted it so you were looking into her beautiful eyes, “You can do this. You’re Y/n fucking Y/l/n! You’re not a failure, you are not a lost cause. You are you; you are human. And I wouldn’t change it, even if I had the whole fucking world begging at my feet. You can do this, and we can do it together, okay?”

You let out a wet chuckle at her enthusiasm and nodded your head. As soon as Wanda got confirmation, she tucked your head back against your chest, gently brushing her fingers through your hair to calm you down. Soon, you felt yourself lulled to sleep, safe and warm in your partner’s arms.

The urges never truly went away. You knew this, had expected it, but goddamn you were hit hard after your confession with Wanda. They were everywhere. Any mistake you made, no matter how small, your brain only came up with one solution:

Just go to the bathroom y/n, you’ll feel so much better

Just one little slice, that’s all you need

Think about how relieving it will feel, you deserve it

Even when you did good, they didn’t let up.

It will never last for long, why not cut and make it end on your own terms

It isn’t even real; you need to cut to bring yourself back to reality

It was never ending. You were stood in the kitchen, these thoughts racing through your head as you stared at your bowl. You were so lost in your mind that you didn’t sense Wanda approaching you, a confused look on her face.

“Maybe I need to morph into a bowl of cereal so that I can get your attention as strongly as it has yours.”

Your head snapped up, “huh? Oh, yeah, maybe,” you forced out a laugh, compelling yourself into motion. You picked up your bowl and threw the contents into the trash; you had poured your cereal and your milk before finding out there wasn’t enough liquid for a bowl. Barely any in fact. And since you had poured as much of the milk as you could, you couldn’t put the cereal back into the box, so the bin it was.

You put your bowl into the dishwasher, dropping it in the process, “FUCK. FUCK this.” You bent to pick up the broken pieces of the bowl, standing up abruptly when Wanda knelt to help you.

In your haste to stand, you almost knocked your head against hers, “hey woah, it’s alright y/n, just slow down.”

Your thoughts were screaming so loudly in your brain that you didn’t notice how hard you were gripping the one shard of bowl you had picked up, the ceramic cutting into your skin.

When you didn’t have a reaction to her words, Wanda tried again, “Hey, babe, you’re alright. It was a just a mistake, and Tony’s rich enough that you can make these mistakes often. You’re okay.”

Her voice managed to penetrate your thoughts and you flicked your eyes to her face. Wanda smiled, glad she managed to get your attention through the tornado that was your brain. She went to grab your hands, and only then noticed the blood dripping from your hand onto the floor. Wanda quickly grabbed the hand that was bleeding and tried to loosen your fingers, to no avail.

“Y/n, honey, I need you to loosen your hand for me, okay?”

At her words, you yourself looked down at your fist, only just noticing the object stuck in your grip. It was then that your breath decided to return, and you took in a deep breath while releasing the vice grip you had on the shard. Wanda gently removed it from your hand and threw it into the trash, before pulling you into a hug. She gently moved her hand up and down your back, trying to calm you down.

You felt at peace in her arms, before the thoughts came rushing back. You jerked back, hitting your back on the kitchen counter. Turning towards the corridor, you hastily made your way back to your room, fully intent on listening to the thoughts.

Wanda, however, had other ideas. She knew what you were thinking, not by reading your mind, but because your thoughts formed a cacophony of sound, and it was impossible to not hear them.

“Y/n, no. You are not going to do that; you are not going to cut again.”

You tried to fight against her grip, words escaping you, but Wanda just held on tighter, “I said no. You’ve done enough damage and I don’t think you even meant to do that. Let’s just go outside for a bit, sit in the sun.”

Wanda gently tugged you along, your arm looped through hers; you could never really argue against your girlfriend. She led you out through the balcony doors and sat you down on the deck. Wanda knew that when things got too loud, which they often did for you, the outside was your sanctuary. Whether it was sunny, cloudy or raining, you would sit outside until you felt balanced again.

“I’m just going to run inside to get some bandages for your hand. Stay right here, I’ll be right back.” Wanda dashed inside, leaving you outside.

As it was Autumn, it took a couple of seconds before you felt the heat of the sun on your face. You turned your head upwards, letting the sun wash over you. It was refreshing, and you felt it all the way into your heart.

True to her word, Wanda returned within a couple of minutes. She quickly cleaned the gash before placing gauze on top and securing it with a bandage.

“Feel a bit better, hm?”

With words still out of reach, you gave a slight nod instead. You felt your shoulders slowly loose tension, and leant against Wanda’s side, your head falling on her shoulder. She took your uninjured hand into her own, her thumb tracing circles along the back.

“What triggered you?”

Some time passed before you finally managed to croak out, “I thought there was more milk but there wasn’t, so I had to throw out my cereal instead. I just, everything was telling me to just get my blade, even though it was such a stupid mistake. It sounds so stupid when I say it out loud.”

“No, I understand. Your brain makes everything bigger than what it needs to be. I get it.”

 “Thank you, my love. Thank you.”

Wanda squeezed your hand in response. You slowly opened your eyes and looked up at your girlfriend, seeing her face also upturned towards the sun and her eyes closed. Her skin was glowing in the warm light, and she truly looked ethereal. She felt you staring and dropped her gaze from the sky to your eyes.

“You’re okay, darling, you’re alright.”

You nodded your head, before closing your eyes again and letting your body and mind rest.

The times after that, when the urges plagued your mind so badly you couldn’t think straight, they were easier to deal with. Wanda was there when she could be, but when she was away on missions, you re-learnt how to cope. You knew she would continue to stay by your side, that she truly meant it when she said she wouldn’t change it for the world. You knew you could go to Wanda when you needed, and you could tell her what was going on without judgement.

The light and warmth from the sun was healing, but your girlfriend’s eyes, her smile, her touch. It was purer. Pure enough to make the grey skies disappear.

[e-m-christina]

RECENT TWD REQUESTS

Hey guys, I’m back from my trip! These are the requests I received whilst I was away over the weekend. Love them all and will start posting them soon! If yours isn’t here, just message me. Thanks for requesting and remember requests are always open! If you want tagged in any of these, comment below.

MASTERLIST -- REQUESTING INFO

---

Daryl is super awkward and shy but he loves his wife, although only the original group knows they are together. So when a women from Woodbury hits on him the reader gets jealous and walks away angry but Daryl finally says their relationship to everyone and goes to find his wife. - Fluff season 4 - Requested by Anon

Can you do something with the reader and Daryl, maybe jealousy with Leah. If you haven't seen that far, Carol is fine too. Just the reader is insecure because she's pregnant and needs reassuring by Daryl and gets upset by him spending time with either Leah or Carol. He doesn't love them or cheats, he's just spending time - Requested by Anon

Hello love, TWD request for you! Ricks always been protective & when the group gets to Alexandria everyone assumes you are Rick and married. 

🤍✨hi ellie!! this is a request but first i just wanted to say that your writing is PHENOMENAL. i loveee your fics so much!! i finally managed to reset my password and get into this acc so i could follow u lol 😭 anyways! can u pls write a nick clark x reader (like a oneshot) of him being protective over the reader and confessing? and they’re childhood friends.. maybe like set during s1-2? Thanks so much!! i hope u enjoyed ur weekend trip, have a nice day <3 - requested by @spliffycat

Hello love, TWD request for you! Ricks always been protective & when the group gets to Alexandria everyone assumes you are Rick and married. 🤍✨ - Requested by Anon

Hey ellie, I have had a really bad few weeks struggling with my mental health and was wondering if I could request a Daryl hurt/comfort fic? Maybe the reader sh's or has scars and has been struggling mentally. Daryl finds them and comforts them? Ofc you don't need to do this if you're not comfortable ♡ xxx - Requested by @writing-space

Can you do a Carl one where she gets lost with Sophia but they end up separated and Carl finds her after they find Sophia in the barn and they bond over the years. Maybe a little long so we can get a little further in there love story along the way like in Alexandria and the Prison. - Requested by Anon

Reader is Shane’s wife although their love for one another is no longer there the reader is still big on loyalty so when Shane cheats it breaks her. So Daryl and/or Rick are there to comfort her. - Requested by Anon

hello icon i’m back. so a queen loved the fluff. but she’s feeling a little angsty. let’s have nick clark break my heart by cheating on me. idk with like ofelia. and we’re on the boat and we just like can’t escape each other. ending is ur choice 🥳. so anyway. I. LOVE. UR. WORK. - Requested by @heyitsreece44 

‘He needs to know your mine’ protective Rick (TWD) please 🥰 - Requested by Anon

Hi Ellie 🤍✨ I have a Rick Grimes request. Rick is secretly in love with the reader before the apocalypse and when he finds out Lori is cheating he finally admits his feelings for the reader. Thank you love - requested by Anon

Hey babes ✨ a little Rick Grimes request (imagine or headcannon) based on the song All for Us by zendaya and labrinth. You’re such a good writing and I’m always excited to see you next walking dead post! - Requested by Anon

[nctsplug02]

i feel like your acc is such a safe place and there are no taboos so i want to get something off my chest now that the conversation has opened for it. I used to be super skinny and never struggled with gaining weight i was underweight and even though that might sound extreme i didn’t look malnourished or anything i looked healthy and i always got complemented by my friends and relatives because i naturally have curvier hips so my figure was really feminine however since beginning of last year i started gaining weight for the first time ever it’s honestly not that much when u look at the numbers but physically i see such a huge difference it’s so depressing because i gained it through a huge mental slump i went through (and still go through on and off) i barely leave the house because i’m just so exhausted mentally from past trauma and social anxiety that seems to keep getting worse and worse :/ i’ve been working on it and i see improvements in my mental health when i workout even when i don’t see physical progress it just feels good idk but it’s been so hard for me to admit to myself that i gained weight idk it feels so foreign and shameful for some reason. i hope this doesn’t come off as like me making out weight gain to be something bad and shameful because i know it isn’t but it’s a lot harder to feel that way towards one’s self ig :( i hope we can all be free of these thoughts that the media has implemented in us and except ourselves and others the way we are it’s just so so hard when all u see is the exact opposite. anyway again i want to say thank u for having created such a safe space i truly feel comfortable reading your posts and seeing other anons open up as well <33 wishing u and mr sneaky link all the best and happiness :)

mentions of ED and weight gain.

oh anon. my dearest anon. i’m so sorry that you had to go through that. i love you so so much. i read this to sneaky link and had to stop several times because i couldn’t stop crying. i honestly am so glad that you told me because it makes me think that other people see my blog as a comfort zone. i hope i can help on the way of your journey with your mental health and your workout progress! i will cheer on for you forever. <3

and this also reminds me of me a few years back but the opposite. long story short, i had an ED because of how much i was bullied for my weight. got tired and started having an ED. sucked but im better now. sneaky link helped.