#I’m just a weenie and get easily frustrated

[dark-elf-writes]

Egg steals power and hand made me die laughing as I am now doing a full replay of multiple world states cause DA4.

Still laughing

I did my first playthough fully blind so when I tell you that I lost FULL DRAGONBONE ARMOR AND MY BEST STAFF to this stupid bald ass egg man I mean it completely seriously like the only thing that could have made it worse was if I romanced him and he took my sick face tats too I was so angry

That being said I love me a pathetic man and if Solas isn’t the most pathetic man I have ever fucking seen

[shijiujun]

[ENG] History3: Make Our Days Count - IF Alternative Ending

“That Day, You are Still Here”

That car accident left Xi Gu with severe injuries, and at one point, his heart even stopped beating. The Xi Gu in his dreams even left him, leaving Hao Ting behind to slowly walk through life on his own. Even when he went to university, entered a well-known biology research center, at his side one person was always missing from his side. That feeling is as if his heart was dug out, leaving behind an empty space. Regardless of when he’s asleep or awake, Hao Ting feels the panic and fear so deep, the kind that leaves him with a face covered entirely in tears when he comes back to himself…

“It’s been so long already…” Xi Gu squints, but in his eyes the joy at having someone care for him like this is revealed, as does the gentleness and softness his feels for the one he loves.

“I’m still here, don’t worry.”

---

Pages: 250-260 (sorry my bad at counting it’s 10 not 15 pages)

Word Count: ~3580 words 

Disclaimer: Translations are entirely mine - these are not official translations and some phrases have been changed for better English interpretation so you’ll definitely see better/different translations elsewhere. And yes some teeny weeny details and words may not turn up in the translation because the Chi to Eng mind acrobatics didn’t work out. If you see asterisks, scroll all the way to the bottom for notes! Doing this in a rush so there may be some errors, will read through again when I get back from work!!

Full chapter below the cut

Xiang Hao Ting opens his eyes, and for a moment he does not even know where he is, who he is; his face feels a little cold, just like the feeling of touching water and having a cool breeze blow over it after.  Turning his face to the side, Yu Xi Gu’s sleeping face comes into his line of vision. It’s easier to look at Xi Gu’s face now, which has become fuller since their days in high school. The only things that haven’t changed are his long eyelashes and his white as porcelain skin colour - even though he’s running outside more frequently now, Xi Gu’s skin has not darkened.

His breaths are deep and long, and this is the breathing technique most suitable for being on a mountain. Hao Ting and Xi Gu watched each other’s breathing pattern and rhythm closely before this to practice breathing in this manner. People who did not know what they were doing exactly may have thought they were practicing Lamaze Breathing instead.*

Ah, breathing. Hao Ting slowly remembers that where he and Xi Gu are right now is Paiyun Lodge.

He dreamt of that scene again. His entire body is drenched in cold sweat, and the sleeping bag he is in is now abnormally warm and stuffy because of that. Shifting his gaze towards the outside, he sees that a ray of sunlight has already entered the room. Hao Ting thinks that they still have an hour before they have to get ready for breakfast, and he can use the time to wipe himself dry. 

He does not expect Xi Gu to open his eyes the moment he moves.

“Is it time?” Xi Gu asks and keeps his voice low, because it’s not just the both of them in this room.

There are other hiking friends with them, and loud noises can easily disturb the rest.

“Not yet,” Hao Ting replies, then points at his wet hair.

“So wet…” Xi Gu might as well get up, and with light movements he finds the dried towel sitting on top of the backpack next to their bedrolls so he can help Hao Ting dry his hair.

Under the dim light, he sees that Hao Ting looks both a little sick and upset, and idly asks if Hao Ting had a nightmare. Xi Gu does not expect Hao Ting’s body to shudder hard at that, both his brows furrowed tight.

“You had a bad dream?”

Xi Gu’s heart aches for the man. After all, before they slept the night before, Hao Ting did seem a little unsteady and anxious, so he’s not surprised that Hao Ting had a bad dream.

“I dreamt of… the day you met with the accident, and your entire body was covered in blood…”

The accident happened such a long time ago, but thinking about it still makes Hao Ting afraid, because the details in his dream were exceptionally clear, and the fear and terror he felt from that day is written deep in his bones.

That car accident left Xi Gu with severe injuries, and at one point, his heart even stopped beating. The Xi Gu in his dreams even left him, leaving Hao Ting behind to slowly walk through life on his own. Even when he went to university, entered a well-known biology research center, at his side one person was always missing from his side. That feeling is as if his heart was dug out, leaving behind an empty space. Regardless of when he’s asleep or awake, Hao Ting feels the panic and fear so deep, the kind that leaves him with a face covered entirely in tears when he comes back to himself…**

“It’s been so long already…” Xi Gu squints, but in his eyes the joy at having someone care for him like this is revealed, as does the gentleness and softness his feels for the one he loves.

“I’m still here, don’t worry.”***

Hao Ting embraces Xi Gu so tight, with the strength of someone trying to absorb Xi Gu into his body. Xi Gu is the person whose hand Hao Ting has held in his all this time, and Xi Gu is his prized treasure. Not even talking about losing him, if Xi Gu hurts himself usually by knocking into or hitting things, Hao Ting’s heart will ache for half a day at least.

“We promised that we’ll be together! You’re not allowed to break our promise!”

Suddenly, Hao Ting feels the person in his arms jolt, and the hand on his back is lightly shaking as well. When he realizes what a dumb thing he’s doing right now, it’s too late.

How could he pass his anxiety and fears to Xi Gu? Hao Ting treasures him so much, and usually, if he has any frustrations or things he’s unhappy about, he would keep it inside and swallow it.

“It must be because I wasn’t feeling well yesterday before I slept!” Hao Ting blinks as he speaks, even though his tone is a little more high-pitched than usual.

“Shhhh!” Xi Gu quickly presses his hand over Hao Ting’s mouth, because it wouldn’t do to wake the rest of their hiking party up. “Talk softly. All is good, I’m here, I won’t leave you all aline.”

Hao Ting blinks with his two huge eyes, and with muffled noises of assent, he nods in agreement. However, the fear and anxiety in his eyes do not vanish completely. Just like the fog outside, Hao Ting finds his emotions hard to dissipate in the moment.

~~~~~~

The both of them leave Paiyun Lodge after breakfast with their friends. Today is the second day in their hiking plan, and they plan to head straight for the mountain’s peak before going back to the lodge, retracing their steps. Then, they will leave the mountain tomorrow.

Hao Ting began to hike and climb after attending university, and Xi Gu, on the other hand, has not exercised in a long time and is extremely skinny and weak in physique. Not to mention that car accident which left him resting for a long, long while after, so no matter how much Xi Gu likes being   close to the forests and nature, there are undeniably some physical limitations for him.

However, a long journey begins with a small step, so after much preparation and consideration, they decided to choose a three day and two night hiking schedule that is low on difficulty as their first step to conquering more mountains in the future.

On the way up to the mountain’s peak, their legs are steady as they climb because the backpacks they chose are able to efficiently hold the weight of all the items they need without putting the stress of the weight on their legs. At first, Xi Gu said that they should pick the cheapest bag, the cheaper the better, but Hao Ting refused. He’d done his homework, and the backpack and hiking shoes are the most important items to spend money on.

“You have to carry the backpack the whole day, and shoes carry your entire weight!”

With this, Xi Gu gave into Hao Ting, but Hao Ting also knew that Xi Gu doesn’t have much savings he can tap into for this, so he secretly paid for the items for Xi Gu. When he was exposed for it, he still dared to laugh and grin, and directly said that this was the duty of a husband! Xi Gu didn’t know whether to laugh or cry at that.

The both of them are the least experienced among the group, so they are placed at the very back of the group with the more experienced leader keeping up the pace behind them. This is so that if anyone leaves the team or feels uncomfortable at any time, he can react quickly and lend them a hand.

Along the way, everyone’s pace is not fast. After all, this is not the kind of two day and one night hike which requires them to hurry down the mountain, and so there is the occasional chatter and laughter among them. However, Hao Ting is a little more quiet, and only when Xi Gu turns around to look at him does Hao Ting smile.

He is still thinking about the dream from yesterday. He knows what the cause of this dream is, and while the scene at that particular road where the accident occured didn’t leave him with any regrets, his memories of that day are clear, and it has permanently left a shadow of fear in his heart.

“Are you still okay?” asks the leader in concern when he sees Hao Ting starting to stray away from the main group.

“Huh? Oh! Yeah, I’m good, I’m just thinking about some things…” Hao Ting replies.

“You have to stay focused, if you lose your footing and injure yourself you’ll have to go back to the lodge and rest.”

The leader pats at his shoulder and brings him back, closer on the inside.

There are two routes in total to Yu Shan main peak - Dong Bu’s ‘Ba Tong Guan’ route which is more difficult, where even experienced climbers usually stay off this path, and instead they use the route on the West, the ‘Tataka’ route. It has a complete, properly marked out route and the necessary facilities and is beginner-friendly. All they have to do at this time is to hold onto the route’s chains and watch their own footsteps, and they will be able to see the gorgeous view of the mountains as they make their climb upwards. The fog is gradually vanishing as the sun inches upwards, and the air is especially fresh.

Hao Ting quietly hastens his footsteps to follow Xi Gu. Seeing that his forehead is filled with sweat, Hao Ting takes off the towel at his waist and helps him to wipe that away.

“Thank you,” Xi Gu remembers the breathing technique and is making his way upwards steadily one step after the other, but he did not miss the conversation between the leader and Hao Ting earlier, so in between his breaths he manages, “You’re still thinking about that dream?”

“Hnn? No! I was just thinking, when we finally hit the peak, how beautiful that view will be!” he lies quickly.

“The scenery will be beautiful and it’ll make you forget that dream,” Xi Gu smiles.

He is no longer that adolescent, innocent young man anymore, and it’s not as if he’s been with Hao Ting for only a day or two, so Xi Gu is familiar with all of Hao Ting’s moods. He knows that at this point, he cannot argue with Hao Ting. Following Hao Ting’s lead and what he says is the right way to understand him. Furthermore, just arguing with him on whether Hao Ting is concerned about that or not has no meaning.

Xi Gu returns the towel to him and continues the climb, and this time he doesn’t forget to hold onto Hao Ting for a few steps before releasing him. Holding hands while climbing is considered a pretty dangerous thing, but the warmth from Xi Gu’s hold lingers in Hao Ting’s palm, and successfully pushes the fear and anxiety to the back of Hao Ting’s mind. It will not disappear entirely, but he can exist together with it instead.

~~~~~

The moment they reach the peak, Hao Ting is blown away by the view before his eyes.

It is a whole stretch of blue and there is not a single cloud in the sky. Forests are abound at a glance and under the glorious rays of the sun, it seems as if a layer of gold dust was scattered across the forest. The sight is blinding. Yet, even with the sun, they do not feel hot and just wipe at their sweat with towels, unafraid of catching a cold with the breeze.

The leader gets everyone to put their bags in a particular area, and if they want to take photos they can use this time to do it. If they’re hungry, they should eat some bread and chocolate right now. When the time is up, everyone will line up again and make their descent to Paiyun Lodge.

After everyone takes moment to catch their breath, they begin to head towards the peak’s sign to take a photo momento, and the older members of the group say they want to take more photos to boast of their climb to their friends, so the atmosphere is particularly warm.

Hao Ting does not join them in their fun, and instead brings Xi Gu slowly to the side, a distance away from everyone else. He really wants to take photos too, but more than that he wants to be glued to Xi Gu. After all, the only reason why he found an interest in the mountains and skies is because Xi Gu likes it.

“It’s a bit of a pity that we can’t come up here at night,” he says.

“It’s okay,” Xi Gu, surprisingly, is not concerned about that much.

After all, this is not their final goal, but their beginning.

“When we go back to the lodge, we can tell them, that we’ve made the first step and we are getting closer and closer to them!”

Their goal then was to climb the Himalayas, to stand at the point that is closest to the stars to tell Xi Gu’s parents that everything is good with him.

“Hnn! They’ll definitely be very happy.”

“You think so?” Xi Gu’s smile is exceptionally sweet, and with a brief peek to the people gathered at the sign taking photos, chatting and admiring the view, and making sure that no one is looking at them, Xi Gu then dares to give Hao Ting’s cheek a kiss, “Thank you.”

“Instead of saying thank you, you might as well kiss me a few more times!” Hao Ting teases him, raising his eyebrow,.

“We’re outside right now!”

Xi Gu definitely will not kiss him right here. The both of them exchange glances and laugh, and while there are no kisses, Xi Gu replaces that by secretly digging his finger into Hao Ting’s palm. A silent promise is more beautiful than any declarations at this point.

So immersed the both of them are in their world that it is only when the leader announces their descent that Hao Ting and Xi Gu rush to the sign and ask a few of their group members to take a few photos for them. The older members of the team, seeing them like this, start to laugh loudly and say that these two children are just too adorable.

~~~~~

In the evening, the members of team do not sleep early as they are still sharing their excitement about reaching Yu Shan’s peak, and they even plan to continue on some other climbs together. Laughter echoes through the room, and influenced by the merry atmosphere, he too laughs.

“Happy?” Hao Ting asks, his hands holding onto a hot cup of cocoa.

“I’m really happy! I can be together with you, and I can come and see dad and mom, so I’m really happy!” Xi Gu beams, his smile so radiant. “Oh right, are you still feeling not so well? Is there a buzzing in your ear, dizziness or do you feel like throwing up?”

“Nope!”

Hao Ting knows that Xi Gu wants to ask about his dream and not his physical well-being right now, but strangely enough, since hitting peak and returning to the lodge until now, he has not thought about the dream again. Instead, his mind is set on which other climbs they can do next. While Yang Ming Shan isn’t actually difficult, but the both of them can go to the onsen with that trip, which is quite attractive.

“That’s good. If you’ve got nothing to do don’t dream of those things. You and I are going to live until we are a hundred, and we’re also going to climb all the mountains in Taiwan, then set our sights on those overseas, and conquer the world’s highest peak.”

Their ambitions sound entirely not realistic, but they are also faced with a future teeming with possibilities and opportunities, so they do not worry about whether it is realistic or not. They only fear not making the first step, and now that they have reached Yu Shan’s peak, then that is their first step.

Hao Ting laughs awkwardly, and says, “I won’t dream of it anymore.”

He lifts his head up to look at a sky full of stars, and even if they cannot see the Rosette Nebula, the entire star system is connected.

“Papa Yu, Mama Yu, I know you can hear me,” Hao Ting reaches for Xi Gu’s shoulder and brings him into his embrace, and with his other hand he secretly takes out a small box from his pocket.

He has prepared for this moment for a very long time, and he knows that giving it to him here is most meaningful.

Xi Gu lifts his face up to look at him, and does not realise that his middle finger is being held by Hao Ting.

“We worked very hard today, and we managed to climb up Yu Shan. Sadly, we were unable to do the climb at night, otherwise I’ll be able to tell you guys directly.”

The man in his arms uses the back of his head to lightly knock against Hao Ting’s chest, the moment especially sweet.

“In the future we will also continue to climb other mountains, and we will definitely climb up the Himalayas, and at the point where we are closest to the stars, I will ask you both to entrust your son to me. Before that, I have to ask the both of you to be a little more patient. I promise, I will treasure your son and be very good to him.”

“What are you saying, so serious…” Xi Gu laughs at him.

“Xi Gu.”

At the call of his name, a solid, round object is secured at the bottom of his middle finger. When Xi Gu finally reacts and raises his hand, he sees that it is a silver ring. No other embellishment or decoration, only a single diamond set in the middle of the band. It is sparkling, and more blinding than any of the stars in the sky at the moment.

“This ring, is an engagement ring,” and Hao Ting seriously places another ring into his palm, “Inside I engraved both our names, and I feel that on a special day like today, we need to commemorate it properly.”

He stresses that this ring isn’t very expensive, and is perfect to symbolize the start of their journey together, because he is also afraid that Xi Gu would be troubled that Hao Ting spent too much money on this.

“When we finally climb the Himalayas, then it’ll become a wedding ring. When that time comes, you’re not allowed to say no, and you can only say ‘I do’.”

“Xiang Hao Ting…” Xi Gu is surprised to the point of speechlessness, and he is clutching onto the ring so tight that it is leaving a mark behind.

He doesn’t know whether to scold Hao Ting for spending money like this, or should he say that Hao Ting is truly too meticulous, that he would prepare such a surprise, shocking him to the point of tears.

“Who does it like this!” Xi Gu ends up scolding, his voice a little hoarse.

“I do!” Hao Ting says with no shame.

After, he urges Xi Gu to help him put on his ring, and warmed up from the heat of the hot chocolate, can clearly feel the engraved words on the inside of the ring against their skin.

As he softly calls ‘Xi Gu’, Hao Ting kisses along Xi Gu’s face until he reaches his lips. The scent of the sweet and thick hot cocoa becomes stronger, along with their quickening breaths with every kiss. In the end, it is Xi Gu who remembers that they are still outside and situated in the midst of a mountain, so they should both avoid doing anything that would cause their breathing rhythms to falter. Only then do they return from the edge of losing control from their hot kisses.

“When it’s time for the wedding ring, it’ll be my turn,” Xi Gu says in satisfaction.

He hides himself in Hao Ting’s embrace, and uses his coat to cover his own body, leaving only his head outside, looking just like a little animal afraid of the cold.

“Sure, we can choose the style we want together. Sun Bo recommended a store to me, and I picked these there…”

The both of them continue to chat, and the stars before them sparkle, as if giving their blessings to Hao Ting and Xi Gu who have decided to walk down the rest of their lives together, hand in hand.

*******

Notes:

*Lamaze Breathing - The breathing technique that women in labour use XD

**Stebeee’s note - Once again, I kind of hate you show writers, because to watch it in ep 20 was one thing and then having to read about this deep-seated fear of Hao Ting through the years as he deals with this? Wow. Thanks but no thanks.

***Stebeee’s note again - We worry, Xi Gu, because we saw it happen *sobs loudly in a corner*

[remastered-feedback]

Lately I’ve been trying to force myself to just start working on creative stuff more.

Starting is always the biggest challenge for me, whether it’s programming or composing or writing or anything else. Once I get going and get into a groove, I fall into a flow state really quickly and really easily. Time and the surrounding world disappear, and I can focus really clearly and work on whatever I’m working on.

That said, finding that will to start is hell. An object in motion wants to stay in motion, and an object at rest wants to stay at rest. If I can get started, I can get on a roll nice and quick, but good god that first step is torture. Hence, forcing myself to start. Just get on with it, and the actual action will be a lot easier than you think it is.

It’s not just creative tasks, whenever I’m doing something or trying something I always find I tend to overthink, so it’s built up more in my head than it actually is. Once I do it, it’s not so bad. Being on the radio was scary until I forced myself to just talk into the microphone, all the different cooking methods were nervewracking until I tried them and didn’t get burned or cut up or anything, MMA club was terrifying until I blocked a few punches and hey I’m not in serious pain. (I did eventually quit MMA club, but that was because I’m a weenie who didn’t want to throw a punch at their sparring partner. That and after my fourth finger injury I realized I’d rather keep my hands healthy for guitar)

This is probably also why I don’t take kindly to being interrupted when I’m focused in on something. I get very short and rude, because I know that once I snap out of it, I’m going to have to work up the energy to get started again, and that’s extremely frustrating when things are rolling.

That said, being mean towards a friend just because they’re checking up with you is not a healthy way to act, and while the main reason I’m trying to force myself to start is to be more productive, I’m hoping it’ll also make me less of a dick? Because if I can get used to just starting no matter what, and getting rolling without difficulty, then suddenly it’s not so bad being interrupted, because I can get back into it like a snap.

[mochikeiji]

Don't Own Me. [Tanaka/Kiyoko]

Pairing: Tanaka Ryuunosuke x Kiyoko Shimizu

Warnings: Mafia AU! Fem!Dom (yas queen) teeny weeny abuse, married.

a/n: I love Kiyoko's fem power ＼(;´□｀)/ I can only imagine what she'd be like a Mafia and is married with Tanaka— whom we all know is very very protective of her.

GIF is not mine!

Parenthesis is the song lyrics! You Don't Own Me by SAYGRACE

(You don't own me

I'm not just one of your many toys

You don't own me

Don't say I can't go with other boys)

"How many times have I told you to stay out of this meeting, Shimizu."

Tanaka can feel his insides boil as he stood from the dark office Kiyoko owns. Running the mafia group, and organizing meet ups was harder than it looks. The stack of papers on her desk that were once neatly placed, now scattered on the floor when Tanaka took his rage out from them.

"I am only doing my job, Tanaka. And I was summoned by Sugawara, I had my orders. It can't be help."

"And have other men with weapons on the same room as you, and can possibly shoot you at any time?"

He barks, a vain popping from his forehead. The more words Kiyoko was saying, the more he finds himself get angry.

"Tanaka, I am not a maiden in need. I know what their next moves would be, and I know for sure, this argument we are having will not get us anywhere."

Taking a sip from her wine glass, her own dark eyes meeting his possessive, and dangerous ones.

"And it's, Kiyoko san to you, Tanaka."

(And don't tell me what to do

Don't tell me what to say

And please, when I go out with you

Don't put me on display)

Going out with the big ones was always Kiyoko's way of fun. But after meeting Tanaka, he was the fifth party along with them.

Daichi was good at fitting in with the crowd. He was the one mostly in charge of following the targets until they lead them to a less crowded place for a, "intervention".

Sugawara would be hidden in the shadows at night, eliminating people that seemed like threats, as Asahi would be the deadliest, having to have a wickedly innocent smile, fooling many.

And there was Kiyoko, since having experience, she often lures men in with the art of seduction. Strong woman, she didn't need the other three or Tanaka to deal with the mess she's caused. She can easily cut off one's throat, and get away with it without having any suspicion placed on her.

And Tanaka? He wasn't on board of the idea of her seducing men. Bigger men.

"As if in goddamn hell will I allow this."

Sugawara sighs in frustration through his earpiece. This was getting no where again.

"Tanaka, stop."

Kiyoko places a hand on her fuming husband's shoulder, only to be pushed away.

"You better fucking not do this, Shimizu. I'm warning you."

They were inside a warehouse. Sugawara was on guard outside with Asahi. Tanaka being persistent, followed his wife inside. Which led to another lovers quarrel.

"It's my job, Tanaka. And your concern will not be entertained."

She clicks her gun— not even bothering to look behind her, she shoots a man out before he even had the chance.

With his mouth open, Tanaka flinches when he feels the hot tip of the gun underneath his chin. Kiyoko glaring menacingly at her husband.

"And I will not be put in display by my own husband."

(You don't own me

Don't try to change me in any way

You don't own me

Don't tie me down 'cause I'd never stay)

When you're part of a Mafia, don't expect you'll have a normal, loving relationship. Expect that it'll be fill with the smell of blood, and sex mixed together. A sadist, and a masochists coming out from your bodies, and the art of mastering a murderous look.

"Shimizu, when I married you, I swore that I would protect you with my entire being."

The two couple sat across eachother. Kiyoko on her own personal chair from her office, and Tanaka inform of her.

"And I can't fucking stand it when you go out there recklessly trying to get yourself killed."

Kiyoko would be lying if she said she was getting tired of having someone worry about her. She loves Tanaka. She really does, but this part she was starting to hate.

"Can't you just stay here in your office, and do whatever it is in here. Where it's safe."

Her chair screeching on the floor making Tanaka cringe. Her glass of wine shattering beside her foot as she walks around the table, pushing Tanaka by the chair down.

"You may be my husband."

She traces her fingers down on his chin, his forehead visible with a layer of sweat, the dominating aura of his wife making him submit.

"But I will never be tied down in this room, and I will never change from who I am today."

She quickly pulls back the chair with Tanaka up, the air suddenly punching his chest as he pants, watching Kiyoko open the door before walking out.

"You may be my husband, but I will never be owned by you or anyone."

(I don't tell you what to say

I don't tell you what to do

So just let me be myself

That's all I ask of you)

Kiyoko finds herself being pushed on bed by her husband almost forcefully. Her face was unfazed as Tanaka's glowed in frustration.

"That was a dirty stunt you did out there."

After having another meeting with an opposing gang. Kiyoko was at front row seat during the scene.

As always, men were pigs.

So she had her arms placed on the table, her chest on display as she worked her own seductive matters to get into the other side of the gang.

Everyone was lucky Nishinoya held Tanaka back from shooting the boss of the group from shamelessly staring at her breast like a piece of meat she was.

In the end, Kiyoko manages to hold off her own— when the boss was nearing to her face for a caress, she instantly takes him down on the table, the boys behind her pointing guns as hers pointed on the head.

"Lower your weapons, and I won't shoot him."

Long story short, everyone was freed to go when they gave the sack of cash they promised before.

Now here they were again.

"Did you have any idea what he might've done to you? What I might've done to him? I would've fucking shot him until my bullets run out. Why would would even do that?!"

His voice boomed in their room. Kiyoko was used to him being rowdy, and always having a loud voice, this wasn't bothering her at all. Only his personality.

"It was my job, Tan—"

"A job to be what!? Some kind of whore?!"

Offended, and hurt, she kneed his stomach hard, causing him to fumble in hid position, allowing her to be the one pushing him down on bed, a knee on his chest as she looks down.

"You don't see me do something when you're doing your part. You don't hear me mock you for doing your part, and you certainly don't see me use force force on you."

Each sentence was laced in venom. Kiyoko hated it when she was being called out for something she isn't. She hates how being a woman would always mean she has to have limits and not prove what she was capable of.

She was starting to hate how men like her husband could act this way.

"I never asked you anything, Tanaka."

Cupping cheek with a warm hand, sighing out the built up irritation to avoid getting angry.

"So please, as your wife. Just let me be, as I let you be free."

(I'm young and I love to be young

I'm free and I love to be free

To live my life the way I want

To say and do whatever I please)

Many of the men in their group wonder if their marriage was still stable. If they're relationship was still healthy since almost every after meeting, mission— they'd hear Tanaka's yelling, and some stuff being thrown on the ground. Or sometimes, him being thrown on the ground.

If you ever came across them, you'd would say, "Does Kiyoko really love Tanaka?", "Do you think Tanaka still loves her?"

You could count their marriage as partially abusive. Partially because they don't hurt each other on purpose. And because Tanaka has huge respect for Kiyoko, he will never lay a hand on her the wrong way.

"Kiyoko san, what are we?"

Kiyoko hums as she places her book down in her lap. Tanaka just staring out the window blinds deeply.

"I know we're married, but, do you really love me? Despite everything I do to you."

She stands up, and walks over him. Wrapping her arms around his shoulders from behind.

"I think I should be asking you that, Tanaka."

Placing her chin down on his head, lightly massaging his tensed shoulders, giving him a moment of relaxation.

"I should be saying that because I never really listen to you."

"But you're right about you and owning your life. And I shouldn't be meddling in it."

"Doesn't mean that I don't love you then."

She twists his head to her aide using her fingers, giving him a hot, short kiss— smiling through it before pulling away and looking him seriously in the eyes.

"I love you, Ryuu. But that doesn't mean that you'll ever own me."

[worldoflis]

anonymus-maximus-er replied to your post “I promised myself I would do one thing every day...

dispatch from executive dysfunction-ville: not sure any of those are ONE thing. Hang the laundry, maybe. The others are many many things cleverly disguised as a single bullet point.

You keep reminding me things are bigger than they seem, and I keep Forgetting, and it is very frustrating (my Forgetting, not your reminding - the reminding is good and also very necessary. clearly. frustratingly.).

Rest under a cut because it’s not an answer to your answer, but me talking to myself to get out of it today but it got long and I don’t feel like copying it to a new post.

Now, Tuesday was more of a Regular Indecisiveness case. I managed Tuesday. Today is different, because I can’t choose what to do.

Context is important: after a (tiny weeny) breakdown last Wednesday, my GP has alleviated me from any and all work-related responsibilities until next Friday. Which is Nice, but carries a risk of sitting in the couch doing nothing all day - which is obviously partly the point but could also turn into a negative spiral of apathy where I’m worse off next week than last week. Hence the “do one thing” rule. So it matters less what the thing is, than what it is not, namely sitting-in-the-couch. I’ve more been thinking of it as something useful in the household, but thinking about that maybe I should focus more on something that makes me happy.

Either way.

Today I have been asked to Mop. Which is obviously many things, including but not limited to removing toys from floor, put up chairs and other loose furniture, vacuum, mop, dry, put everything back down, put away cleaning stuff.

What is the problem currently

I don’t feel like it. This is a valid point. Counterpoints: when it is done, Loes will be happy, and that makes you happy. You can also play some CR in the background and make progress on that and make it a little less boring.

I am stuffed because I ate too much pizza. Like there was absolutely no reason for eating all the pizza in one go. You could’ve easily kept some pizza as a snack at four or something. Or breakfast tomorrow. NOT PRODUCTIVE You have time to unstuff. Picking up the kiddies is in three two hours. You can unstuff for an hour. Mopping the next hour.

I accidentally saw the window with my work email and there’s 19 messages in there now and it reminded me I do have to reply to two of them and also I haven’t set the automated reply as my boss asked me to. Most of the emails will be newsletters. Setting up an automated reply does not take much time. You can write it in Word, look up in your personal Gmail first how to do it. That way you don’t have to spend as much time in your email. The first email you can just forward to your colleague. The second you still have to read. They are nice people and they will be understanding and it will most likely be able to wait. If it is not, we will deal with that after reading the email.

[titusmoody]

Ranking the SM64 levels

3 Bob-omb Battlefield: I’m starting the list with my third favorite because I can explain every other level in terms of this one. This is easily the most impressive level in terms of design. SM64 sorts its levels into “chunks” that connect in various ways. The exact borders between chunks and how finely we chop the level up into different chunks doesn’t quite matter. I find I like chunks better if they 1) interconnect so you can get to multiple different chunks from wherever you are. Bonus points if the game uses the Y axis to create some one-way connections like Bob-omb battlefield’s bridge that spits you back out near the beginning of the level if you fall. Extra bonus points if you can use some precise jumping to get around those limitations. 2) Has its own distinct element, either visually or mechanically, like the little area with the mounds when you climb up the very first ramp in Bob-omb battlefield. 3) Contains a pretty clear “first star route” to one specific other chunk, like the path up the ramp at the beginning, or the mountain “weenie” that you can see a path to when you get beyond the chain chomp and bridge. 4) There are at least a couple chunks that the first star route doesn’t touch at all, but you can still see. Both the area with the stumps you can run in circles around as well as the floating island you can see from your ascent up the mountain are good examples. The only reason this isn’t #1 on my personal list is because it is focused mainly on beginners who have literally never encountered a 3d game before. Climbing the mountain and freeing the chain chomp are both great, and the mountain contains plenty of opportunities to get up faster using more difficult jumps. On the other hand, it uses the wing cap and fairly precise cannon aiming, the first and second least fun things in the game. 

Now, onto the worst levels:

15 Dire, Dire Docks: While swimming isn’t as awful to control as I remember it being when I was a kid, it’s still not great. This level uses currents to suck you towards death pits in a couple places, which isn’t fun. A few of the stars either include or are mostly built around having you navigate the weak end of the current, and there’s just nothing good about it. Plus, what’s the deal with water levels having segments connected only by lengthy narrow tunnels? Probably a loading thing, but it doesn’t help the design. The not-underwater part of this level is only used to make you do cycle-based pole jumping which is even worse than the death currents. 

14 Tiny-Huge Island: Eh, this was such a creative idea for a level that I don’t begrudge it for not working. This level has chunks that only connect if you are the appropriate size, which is a good idea. Around half the things you need to do to get the stars are pretty good, too. However, big mario is just too big. If you turn at the wrong time you go into sliding down mode and there’s never a platform big enough for you to get your balance before falling off the mountain to your death. The level also feels a little unvaried. The chunks aren’t distinct and reuse the same few elements throughout without getting more challenging as you progress along the “first star route”. 

13 Tall, Tall Mountain: This is one of two linear levels in the game, and is by far the less interesting. SM64 approaches linear levels as spirals upwards. In this case, around the mountain. I think there’s only a single place where you can take two different routes up. There’s not a lot to say. The platforming feels perfectly fine throughout the ascent. The slide is the most well-hidden place in the game, and I might have gotten frustrated looking for it if I hadn’t seen speedruns. This may have been ranked a little higher if it weren’t for the star that requires the most precise cannon aim in the game.

12  Cool, Cool Mountain: It’s a neat idea to start at the top of a level and be asked to descend in various ways. I think the problem is that too much of what you’ll actually be doing is trying to precisely control your slide down the same stretch and jump away at exactly the right place.

11 Rainbow Ride: This level isn’t structured like any other in the game. There are two points where the main path branches--once into three and the other time into two--but none of those branches reconnect, so it’s more like a path with a few self-contained sections off of it. I like the platforming quite a bit in this level, but don’t like how disconnected everything is from everything else. The main problem, though, is that the main path consists mostly of waiting around on a magic carpet with nothing to do but the occasional trivial jump. The difficulty of the platforming this late into the game means that deaths will happen, and it’s really a detriment that there’s no way around waiting on the carpets.

10 Lethal Lava Land: This level gets credit for being exactly what the game needed after the first set of levels + the first boss. Going into the basement for the first time and encountering a completely flat level is a big surprise, and the tiny safe paths surrounded by lava make the level look extremely perilous. The level is actually pretty tiny, which leaves each chunk with only enough space for one (1) thing to do. The interior of the volcano sure does add a lot, though. It’s like a miniature Tall, Tall Mountain with only a couple of stars.

9 Hazy Maze Cave: This level is pretty okay. The clumps are separated from each other by corridors and doors, which is why it seems like a “maze” but if you smushed them together the layout would be pretty typical. The clumps might be the most varied between each other, too. And this is the only level that contains a mini-level that unlocks a different cap. 

8 Shifting Sand Land: The pyramid is cool. Having successive stars where you’re asked to: get to it, explore the inside, then find the secret entrance with a boss is unlike anything else in the game, and it’s neat. Things aren’t as interesting outside the pyramid, but there’s just barely enough there with enough variety to keep things fine. The outside is probably about as good as Lethal Lava Land, and the pyramid is vastly better than the inside of the volcano.

7 Jolly Roger Bay: Okay, I lied a little bit about Shifting Sand Land. In Jolly Roger Bay, there is one star you get by swimming into a sunken ship and hitting something that makes the water drain out. And if you’re thinking about it, that must mean that the ship was resurfacing. Sure enough, when you go back in for the next star, there’s a ship on the surface now! I think that is a little like the pyramid situation, though not quite as cool. This one ranks higher because it’s the only other level outside of Bob-omb Battlefield that feels like a playground where you can basically do anything that seems fun without penalty and if you do well, you’ll be rewarded. Unfortunately, it does the same long, narrow tunnel thing as Dire, Dire Docks. It’s also too easy to be particularly interesting, but of course with its placement in the game, it should not be any more difficult. 

6 Thwomp’s Fortress: Most people’s second level, I assume. Does a good job at establishing patterns so that you know that Bob-omb Battlefield isn’t just a fluke, the whole game is that way. It’s a little on the small side, and the platforms that retract into the walls result in a lot of deaths that feel cheap for being so early in the game, but aside from that, it’s all pretty solid. 

5 Wet-Dry World: Like with Lethal Lava Land, the game knows exactly what to hit us with to open up a new area after a boss. The goals become a lot less obvious here. There is no obvious “path” that leads through the chunks, so you’re mostly on your own. On the other hand, this is another level that doesn’t punish you for doing things wrong, it’s just more picky about rewarding you than earlier levels. 

4 Snowman’s Land: More linear and more punishing than Wet-Dry World, SM64 knows when to break its established rules and when not to. This level does pretty much everything right. I particularly like that they brought back the “bullies” from Lethal Lava Land with the added challenge of ice physics, the hidden area in the igloo, and using the penguin as a shield against the wind. 

2 Big Boo’s Haunt: This one uses the normal level approach to make the level feel like a real place. The separate, self-contained rooms would be too limiting, but the connections between the first, second, and third floor and the doors between rooms, plus the balconies make it just as nicely interconnected as everything else. In fact, the balconies in particular are clever real-world examples of ways that actual places have similar designs to SM64 levels. Most of the game is openly and even proudly abstract and artificial. The tension between realistic spaces and interesting level design is still being played out in games today, but here in 1996 we already see that Nintendo already knew what they were doing.

1 Tick Tock Clock: Here’s the other linear level. Based on the criteria I laid out right at the beginning, it seems like a linear level couldn’t be placed this highly, but although I’ve only mentioned “platforming” in passing so far, that really is the absolute core of the game. You run and you jump. If those two things didn’t feel good to do, SM64 would be a bad game regardless of how great the level design is. Tick Tock Clock gives you nothing but opportunities to run and jump well. If it’s like any other part of the game, it’s like being outside the castle right when you start, while you’re figuring out what the controls are. Only now, you already know how to do everything you need to do to beat the game, and you get a chance to do a lot of it. 

[brvtclism]

⌜  CHELLA  MAN  ,  TRANS  NON  BINARY  ,  HE / THEY  |  spoonful  by  grizfolk  ,  choleric  ,  the  hacker  ⌟  ⏤  blink  and  you’ll  miss  ELIJAH  ‘ELI’  XAVIER - LEHNSHERR  ,  the  TWENTY  year  old  child  of  CHARLES  XAVIER  &  ERIK  LEHNSHERR  (  adopted  )  !!  they’re  a  UNDERGRAD  student  at  paragon  ,  and  i’ve  always  found  them  to  be  pretty  RESPONSIBLE  &  INTELLIGENT  ,  though  i’ve  heard  that  they  can  also  be  really  INFLEXIBLE  &  FINICKY.  i  don’t  think  getting  their  way  is  a  smart  thing  to  do  -  everyone  knows  that  their  power  is  TECHNOLOGY  MANIPULATION.

hey  hey  hey  it’s  a  wonderful  day  come  and  sing  along  with  the  weenies.  i   am   weenie  el  ,  a  heeping  pile  of  melting  flesh  trash  like  in  stranger  things  &  this  is  my   child  ,  eli.  i’m  from  the  uk  ,  bi  as  heck  &  a  major  dumbass  aries.  but  ,  enough  about  me  ,  here  is  elijah.  my  discord  is  elisademonfurby#4906.  &  if  you  wanna  plot  ,  SMASH  that  like  button  ,  SHOOT  that  message  ,  SPRINKLE  that  salt.  HERE  WE  GO.

TW  ╳  abuse  ,  abandonment

BASIC

full name:  elijah  daniel  xavier  -  lehnsherr.

nicknames:  eli.

age:  twenty

birthday:  24  

zodiac:  virgo

birthplace:  tampa  ,  florida.

ethnicity:  jewish  /  chinese.

gender identity:  trans  non  binary.

pronouns:  he  /  him  /  they  /  them.

sexuality:  bisexual.

HISTORY

elijah  was  born  on  the  last  hour  of  september  the  22nd  ,  the  first  day  of  fall  to  a  mutant  mother  &  human  father  ,  lydia  cohen  ford  &  elias  gao.  lydia  hid  her  powers  from  almost  everyone  around  her  ,  aside  from  her  husband.  

knowing  the  predicament  the  child  would  be  in  ,  though  ,  they  left  eli  on  the  stairs  of  nunnery  ,  hoping  they  could  protect  them  from  the  outside  world.  it  was  run  by  a  small  group  of  nuns  who  took  children  in  to  protect  them.  there  were  about  twenty  other  children  there  ,  only  one  of  whom  eli  befriended  ,  also  a  mutant  ,  who’s  parents  at  died  in  an  anti - mutant  protest.  they  were  both  targeted  with  anti  -  mutant  hatred  throughout  their  time  there  ,  by  other  children  &  the  nuns  too.

it  was  at  the  age  of  five  that  eli  was  diagnosed  with  progressive  hearing  loss  ,  something  that  caused  him  to  be  targeted  even  more.  he  was  became  profoundly  deaf  at  fourteen  ,  using  cochlear  implants  ever  since.  

their  powers  began  manifesting  when  they  were  five  ,  something  the  nuns  took  note  of.  it  started  with  malfunctioning  computers  &  appliances  when  frustrated  to  being  able  to  communicate  with  them.  it  eventually  all  blew  up  when  he  inadvertently  caused  a  blender  to  attack  one  of  the  other  children  during  a  fight.  

xavier’s  institute  quickly  caught  wind  of  this  &  came  to  assess  the  situation  ,  bringing  him  back  to  the  school.  he  didn’t  talk  much  the  first  few  months.  he  didn’t  feel  comfortable  ,  in  many  ways.  they  were  terrified  of  other  people  there  ,  assuming  the  worst.  but  ,  with  the  help  of  the  professors  ,  he  really  began  to  come  out  of  his  shell  &  eventually  adopted  by  charles  &  erik.

he  officially  came  out  as  trans  at  the  age  of  fifteen  ,  and  started  transitioning  two  years  later  ,  before  realising  he  was  also  non  binary.  they’ve  always  been  too  scared  to  speak  about  their  dysphoria  ,  even  more  so  at  the  nunnery.  &  coming  to  xavier’s  ,  he  was  grateful  to  have  found  such  loving  and  supportive  people.

he  became  curious  about  his  birth  family  in  his  early  tweens  ,  but  was  afraid  to  tell  his  friends  &  family  he  was  looking  into  it  ,  with  only  one  person  knowing.  he  tried  went  to  the  nunnery  first  ,  bringing  a  friend  along.  it  was  a  dead  end.  he  even  tried  his  powers  ,  but  they  were  nowhere  as  advanced  as  they  are  now.  finally  ,  he  came  to  charles  about  it  ,  hoping  he  could  help.  &  just  when  he  thought  there  was  a  sliver  of  hope  ,  their  father  informed  them  that  his  parents  were  both  deceased  ,  killed  in  a  purifier  attack. 

it  was  only  recently  that  he  found  out  that  this  was  a  lie  ,  when  his  birth  mother  tried  to  get  hold  of  him  in  recently.  he  hasn’t  told  anyone  yet  ,  not  even  his  adoptive  family.  &  he  hasn’t  responded  to  her  either  ,  angry  about  why  she’d  hide  for  so  long  from  him. 

PERSONALITY

he  gets  easily  frustrated  with  the  people  around  him.  they’re  super  judgemental  ,  like  if  a  friend  is  doing  something  stupid  ,  he  won’t  be  afraid  to  voice  that  shit.  doesn’t  believe  in  astrology  ,  which  he  labels  as  bullshit  ,  despite  acknowledging  the  existence  of  magic.  he  gets  really  bad  anxiety  ,  but  he  does  his  best  to  hide  it.  he’s  generally  quiet  open  about  his  feeling  ,  but  when  it  comes  to  anxiety  ,  he  views  it  as  a  weakness.  super  fussy.  everything  has  to  be  a  very  specific  way  for  him.  it’s  impossible  to  go  out  eating  with  eli.

hogwarts:  ravenclaw

temperment:  choleric

myers  briggs:  intj

EXTRA

he  keeps  a  photo  of  his  birth  parents  on  him  at  all  times.

he’ll  have  full  on  conversations  with  his  laptop  in  his  head  sometimes.  

he  doesn’t  like  furry  pets.  he  loves  animals  ,  but  can’t  stand  actually  owning  any  furry  one.

fluent  in  sign  language. 

a  guilty  pleasure  of  theirs  is  techno  music

an  awful  pinterest  board  for  him  here.

[starburdened-blog]

repost, do not reblog! 

about me 

tagged by: my waifu @dollburdened

tagging: @axkrusnik, @bloodydevoir / @rollingsnowsmasher & whoever else is interested! 

in general:

name: roxy or gore

nicknames: rox, cursedxy 

sexuality: ???? either.. hetero or tbh. demi? I have no clue. 

preferred pronouns: she/her/hers 

are you a morning person?: uhuhuhuhuuh. depends? I need coffee & if I’m in a good mood. but I think, usually, yeah. 

when swimming, do you prefer to do it in the ocean, or in a lake?:  I’ve only been to a lake once or twice, but the ocean sounds much nicer to visit. I hope I can one day, with family on some sort of trip. so I would prefer slightly cleaner water & a nice beach! 

on tumblr:

anyone you would like to meet?: I’m shy as hell, but meeting @rollingsnowsmasher, @dollburdened, & @axkrusnik would be a dream come true. 

anyone you have met in real life?: nope

when did you first join? I can’t remember, my brain won’t let me. but it’s been years asdfgfdsasdf. 

your current account: ...I remade this??? a few months ago last year... I think. I have too many to keep track, ok?

any peeves?: anon hate, in general. dumb drama. no thanks. or as bad as this sounds, people who rp like with two lines. I know not all people are writing masters, it just... irks me. & when the threads are long note wise, but the replies don’t even reach a paragraph? ugh. just seeing that does not make me interested in interacting.. is all. 

feelings:

do you easily get jealous?: I’m.. not sure. I usually self depreciate if a friend or someone hangs out with another friend more than with me, than anything if I’m left out or whatnot. I can’t really be hateful or too negative towards someone, unless the situation calls for it, I guess. but its super rare. 

do you easily get angry?: no. even if I am annoyed or irritated, it’s nothing.. violent. I’m a huge weenie, so I don’t think people take me seriously even if I am frustrated. I can’t yell, either. 

are you easy to cheer up?: ye s. though it usually takes me awhile to stop crying even if I’m no longer upset, as long as my mind is on something else as quick as possible, I lighten up pretty fast. 

are you good at hiding your emotions?: PFTTTT, NO I WISH. I’m an emotional mess & cry at the drop of a hat. 

what’s the very best way to cheer you up?: distract me in anyway you can. I love a good laugh, too. 

relationships:

are you currently in a relationship?: nah

do you currently have a crush on someone?: no, all my feelings go into my blogs. oops. 

if yes, might that someone be reading this?: nah 

do you kiss on the first date?: no. 

do you prefer going out, or staying home, when it comes to dates?: I’ve only been on one date & gosh is was so awkward... but I think I like going out. movies are the best & I love being fed asdfgfdsdf. 

things:

favorite drink: soda wise? dr. pepper. I love juice more than I should, though. oooh or lemonade, watermelon is the best. 

favorite food: chinese... mongolian beef is something I could live off forever, especially with lots of onions! or sweets... I have a bad sweet tooth. 

[bobsidoodle]

The Wonderful World of Origami

This is your portal to the wonderful world of origami. I’m really crazy with origami and even though I didn’t go beyond to become a master of it, I’m still crazy about it. I want to propagate this wonderful art with people everywhere.  And I want to see this values grow and live on for all generations to come.  That is what’s going in my mind why I decided to make a book about it. I would like to make it a vessel, a vessel to propagate and share these enchanting art to my fellow origami devotee  — may they be past, present and future.

How, why, what drove me to come up with this? Easy, I sympathize with many origami artists who tend to forget the folds of even the mundane origami models. I for one is among the many. It doesn't matter how many times I have folded a model, after a few months or so, to my frustration, I very much forget a step or two. I know how infuriating this can be. Imagine that you badly needed to make a simple paper cup, which you have done many times in the past, and just when you needed it... you forgot one teeny-weeny step! It’s so exasperating, I know you’d want to kick yourself for forgetting. Sometimes this is one of the reasons why some of us shy away from origami. You feel irritated because you missed just one, single, solitary fold to complete a model. And you feel frustrated to look for the diagram amidst all your references. And you say to yourself, “Ahhhh! Just forget it!” And just like that, you begin to avoid and even begin to dislike origami.

This is the main reason for this wonderful world of origami book. This is your handy, phone-a-friend, lifeline (hehehe!) final answer to your origami woes. This handy book will make you love origami all over again. Whether you’re a newbie or an enthusiast, this book is for you. There are over 40 origami diagrams featured here and I hope it’s more than enough to satisfy your craving. Whoops, just a minute! If you’re expecting glamorous and hard to make models (like the kawasaki rose or the bladed samurai), I’m sorry this is not for you and you won’t find anything like it here. What you can find here are the simple and basic folds that can easily be done in minutes or even in seconds. Simple origami that can bring smiles to everybody. Folds that can bring happiness to a room and practical models that can be useful on many occasions. Paper cups to hold drinks (and treats), game hats to use in kiddie parties or even a box to put your things in order.

Taking advantage of this wonderful world of origami book, you can easily find those diagrams fast. Unlike printed books (or even PDF, fixed epub, flip-page) where it’s frustrating to find a certain diagram, it’s very easy here. You only need to swipe, swipe, swipe the screen and all is good. And because all the images here are “fit to screen”, you don’t need to zoom in and out (while squinting your eyes) trying to get a good view of the diagram. Oh, and the diagrams? They are as clear as the daylight! As I have mentioned earlier, you only need to swipe, swipe, swipe! With its built-in table of contents, you can instantly look and click on your preferred model and instantly be transported to it. Be free of stress!

Since this is a reflowable epub, this is specially crafted to use with mobile phones. Why? It’s because mobile phones are the handiest gadget you always carry around. Hence, this ebook is practically in the palm of your hands whenever and wherever you need it. Computers, laptop and tablets are cumbersome to carry around but your mobile phones are practically a part of you. So be confident, you’ve got your lifeline in the palm of your hands.

Worried you can’t open it? Don’t fret, this epub is like a swiss knife, you can also open this ebook using your computer, tablet or notebook. Too good to be true? Nope, it’s just the way it is!

[michele-with-one-ele-blog]

An Open Letter to and for Whoever May Need It

To whomever it may concern:

 It has come to my attention that many people seem to share in the misguided belief that I am responsible for their feelings about me. And, the fact is: I am not. I am happy with the person I am trying to grow into, and the foundation from which I am becoming that person. You don’t like me? You view my compassion as a weakness? That attitude reflects your values, not mine. I am not being sensitive when I express frustration at a “joke” which masks an unsolicited judgement of my character. Especially when that reaction is then dismissed by a comment like, “lighten up, it was just a joke, you’re so oversensitive.” I only point out the shock and pain I felt about your microaggressive gesture to express a displeasure in how you are speaking with me and to establish a boundary. In my mind, this is a response of someone who respects you enough to try and maintain the relationship. If you think I am oversensitive for doing this, then that seems to be your problem, right? If you are noticing tensions, then maybe I am not the one who must change. In fact, I am inviting you to take a step back and listen to the permissions I am granting you in regard speaking with me (in a manner I deem appropriate). From there we can continue having a wholesome time while knowing that our communications and mutual respect have strengthened, instead of furthering the dissolution of the relationship.

Let us also agree to stop masking judgements that are made on someone’s character or what are deemed to be character flaws, in what you perceive as jokes. Furthermore, let’s stop blaming the target of the joke for being upset. If you are pointing something out that can be easily identified as a problem you seem to have, those feelings are not mine to hold on to, nor are they my feelings to take into consideration. Not to say that I do not value the opinions of people with whom I share deeply intimate friendships, or from those whom I would seek advice from… when I inquire about such opinions.

And, I’m very over being reminded about how I am perceived as “too sensitive” because of this [through your tones, your actions, straight dismissing me, blatantly saying so, etc.]. I get it, I'm sensitive. However just because you think I am “too” sensitive, does not mean I am. Also, I did not ask what you think of my reaction, I asked that you adjust the way in which you speak to me. I do not have to crawl into the metaphorical box you think I need to in order to accommodate the level of “sensitive” you, or anyone else, deems appropriate.

If you are aware, and that is how you feel, then that really is your problem. You can make some adjustments or walk away. Because, it will not be me who compensates for your affect. I will not compromise my self-esteem or self-respect for the comfort of anyone else because they feel that they have the right to dismiss my needs. And so, since we are all so aware of how I am, then I think it is fair to assume that you can stand to speak with me and joke with me in the ways I have clearly tried to express that I would like and find suitable. You could actually listen when I stand up for myself instead of going, "oh my god, I was just kidding, it was just a joke".

Firstly, we tend to lose the moments that strengthen our connection to make those jokes come across as playful and in-jest, instead of as direct jabs. If you do not tell me how valuable you think I am, what do I have to use as a reference to compare to when you make a "joke" which is almost always pointedly at my expense. And secondly, how am I supposed to know that it was a joke? What cues have you offered me other than laughing at what you said? Have you ever considered the significance of adding, "haha, gotcha! Sorry for the interruption, continue.." or, “Just kidding, I think (insert a neutralizing statement)” like, “Well, it’s not like you ever have time to catch a breath, with how much you talk! Haha, just kidding, you always have something interesting to add”. How hard is that if you want to preserve the relationship?

Because, otherwise, if there were no friendly tones or gestures to make me feel included in the joke, how am I supposed to pick up on the fact that it was not just someone picking on me, or having a laugh at my expense?  If you want to make certain that others understand that you are joking, here are some things to consider: tone, smiles, shoulder nudges, inclusive language/gestures or language which expresses the fact that you do not believe “the jokes” to be true.

You and you alone are responsible for how you treat others. Personally, my relationship with myself is much more important to me than my relationship with anyone else, so I express myself as a means of preserving our relationship and to strengthen “us”. I react to defend myself and my boundaries, sure, but your reaction to that tells me everything I need to know about your perception of me.

I, for one, am tired of being expected to conform to the expectations and judgements of others as if being louder or being brash and quick enough to think so and say it out loud means that the opinion is right. Holding the attitude that being that “brutally honest friend,” without having a modicum of self-reflection as just your coolest dominant personality trait, doesn’t actually make you honest… sometimes it just means that you are unfiltered or feel no shame in being callous or sharing your uninhibited opinions. Sometimes, your friends laugh because what you say based of off knee-jerk reaction is just so ridiculous, that they would never dream of responding in such a way. I know this because I used to be the unfiltered “I can’t believe the shit you say,” friend. And, I liked the attention… until I realized that I hurt people, very genuinely, because I said things that I didn’t really mean, but felt in the moment.

Now, I am constantly being told, as if it is anyone’s place to say so without being asked, that I am too nice. Just because you think I am too nice, and you say so with confidence and a matter-of-fact tone, does not make your assessment any more valuable or true. Because, nice is something about my personality that I adore. If I have ever been too nice, and I were confronted about it, I will never be sorry for how many times I turned someone’s day around or made things better for others. I have had classmates from my past hug/message me and thank me for showing them compassion despite how much they bullied me. I showed them kindness in the face of adversity and showed them another path in the wake of their pain. If I gave up on helping others or being kind regardless of how I was treated, then cruelty and “hurt people, hurt people” would take me over. So, I refuse to let being jaded win. I take breaks, and try my best to maintain balance, sometimes, but I refuse to let being rude back in the name of faux-assertiveness, win. My strength comes from my willingness to show people how they deserve to be treated, because that is how I deserve to be treated. I stand up when it matters most to myself, but I am not a slave to reaction. I ponder, I consider, and I meticulously cultivate my interpersonal relationships, even if they only last for a moment. See, I know how it feels to be the victim of genuine cruelty, and it really sucks. No matter how often I tell myself that, logically, their actions were reflections of them, not me, it does not change the hurt I felt/feel for being the target of senseless bullying. All I think is that I am sorry that you struggle to pull kindness out of yourself when you do not like something. It is beautiful, you really should try it, you will feel so much less angry in time.

Most importantly, I think I am awesome. And, it is absolutely because I'm sensitive. It is because my brain works strangely. It's because I am too nice, and hobby hop and plant vegetables that I don't know how to harvest, and I do things for people who don't always appreciate it. It is because I have themed fish tanks, and name my animals after foods and characters that I like. It is because I am nice to servers and strangers while in a neck brace and in immense pain with a scarred face, despite the weird looks.

I know that there is so much left for me to learn. I bring people flowers and fruit from my garden, even if they have hurt me in the past. I listen to the strife of marginalized and oppressed people, because I care, and I get it to at least enough of a degree to offer allyship. So, yes, I do feel offended when you say something racist. I will not budge on. I am selfless. I am funny. I am smart. I matter; my "too many feelings" matter. And, to clarify, I am good at taking a joke, when: it's appropriate, it isn't the only way in which I am spoken to and it's not said with a slight tone of "I'm genuinely criticizing something I deem is a character flaw" with a “haha” meant to serve as lighthearted punctuation. The language of others does not dictate who I am or my worth.

Make fun of the fact that I simply must stand on the rug in my living room before I pass it while wearing just socks; poke fun at my ridiculous stack of books that I have yet to read because I'm so busy trying to save the world and myself in my own way; make fun of how I turned broccoli into a flower and literally put it in a vase for my father to give to my mother. There are so many silly things that could be made hilarious if only you focused on them, instead. I am comedic in so many ways that are not linked to your judgements. Again, we need stop pretending that judgements of others are "jokes”. For myself, your dismissal of my reaction is not going to change me, especially if it is by pointing out the fact that you feel like it is my fault it was not funny since I'm just a weenie. This theme is similar to comedians making jokes about outdated stereotypes. Get better material, and be more creative, dude; it is old and times have changed. I am working on me and doing a fine job. I do not need any more help identifying my flaws. Trust me, I know, and I got this.

To those who do not seem to understand the “big deal”. I know it, whatever ‘it’ was, did not seem like a something worth giving a second thought… to you. But, to me and others, it was significant. I interpreted that action as a representation of what I mean to you. (And, if there was an audience, others feel it, too; through realizing the attitudes or adopting them.) I deserve to be spoken to and heard. Not silenced. Not disregarded. Not undervalued. I matter. No matter how much my brain tries to tell me otherwise, no matter how other people's actions reflect negative attitudes towards me and no matter how ‘annoying’ you might find me or how much my values do not measure up to the expectation of others.

So, I am hereby denouncing, publicly, my responsibility for anyone’s feelings about me. I am too tired, and they, honestly, are not my feelings to live with. I try my best to be nice, and I try my best to be kind and caring and whatever else I believe I need and want to be for other people. And, myself. I do not need to fit myself in a box for the sake of your satisfaction or to protect your projected feelings/values. I am by no means a lesser person because I care, or I’m compassionate, or I talk too much, or I am annoying, or whatever else that you think is not valuable. I find it valuable, that is why it is a part of my personality. If not, it is something I am already aware of, and I’m probably already working on.  My brain does not need any more ammunition.

To those who may be realizing that you have spoken with someone in this manner, absolutely, an apology is necessary. But, know that an “it’s okay,” response does not always mean that they think you were in the right, sometimes it is a means of preservation or fitting into your prescribed box. This is an invitation to do better.

If you are often in the same position that I am, then I suggest responding to an “I’m sorry,” with some variation of this: “I appreciate your apology, and though your actions were not okay, I do forgive you. And now that I have gotten it all out, I think I can start to feel better. But, please keep my boundaries in mind regarding how you go about treating me. I appreciate the fact that you put in the work. So, thanks for listening.” It has worked for me so far. In summation, this is a reminder: I live with me at the end of the day. I will not be living with your thoughts, opinions, and assessments of me. You, and you alone, must live with those.

 Kind regards and assertively signed,

Michele Austin

[isroselalondebisexual]

NepRose dated for a while before Nep decides to introduce Rose to her moirail!! Rose is a little weary of Equius at first because he's this lumbering with more muscle than the other guy trolls combined but she discovers Equius is really sweet and awkward. Equius just tags along neprose dates as a funsie and to make sure the girls dont get TOO wild. Rose kisses his cheek after dates, he doesn't get her unpredictableness half the time but he feels like he has two moirails now? That's nice

Rose♥️Nep, Rose♦️Eq, and Meowrails is a GOOD setup!!!!!! Equius trying to be a chaperone is an inordinately hilarious mental image though like. “Nepeta I love you but no” and Nepeta’s over here ready for her date with a hot girl and she’s like “Equius I love you but you literally cannot stop me.”

But he’s fun to have there in a weird way but that’s okay because everything about Equius is kinda weird but also kinda nice and Rose likes being around him. I also… really kinda like the idea of the two of them sparring? Like, Equius calms down when he engages with high-energy exercise, like fighting, and Rose is a punchy fucker if there ever was one, so the two of them can just burn off some of that frustration/anger/violent energy with each other and that’s real good for them.

Plus like… the two of them gushing over how incredible Nepeta is together? Like yeah, they love her in slightly different ways, for somewhat different reasons, but they can both very easily agree that Nepeta is adorable and deadly and just sorta like the greatest thing that’s ever happened to them.

And then Nepeta and Rose giggle together over what a lame weenie Equius is like. Look at him. He’s such a walking disaster. They love him. God he’s such a wreck.

And Meowrails are of course like the objectively best diamond in all of Homestuck and sometimes when they get together they’ll chat about how pretty and deadly and smart Rose is and wow she’s just so cool and interesting and ahhhhh what a good setup I’m love this idea

[qvet]

so my favorite way to deal with someone that I am frustrated with is to basically unpack it all with someone I know/trust that will listen and also possibly add more fuel to the fire.  petty, I know, but doing so is truly cathartic for me and then after that I can almost always face aforementioned frustrating person more easily, or at least without EXPLODING.  I usually feel pretty safe about doing this but this time it’s my housemates that I want to complain about.  I feel like talking to someone who knows all of us might be helpful, but at the same time I’m always worried my shit talking will go back to them, and it’d be ESPECIALLY bad if it’s with people I live with.  so, human journal, I’m gonna complain here.

((also, I know that these pale in comparison to other roommate horror stories and that I am pretty lucky comparatively but…….I want to complain ok)

so to begin with I knew I was the “third wheel” of the house, as in the other two housemates are best friends and I am more secondary which is totally fine.  sometimes I feel a little sad because they click more with each other than I ever will click with either of them but that’s fine because I honestly don’t consider them my very favorite/best friends here, and that’s ok.  just made me feel a little sad at first.  things that they really enjoy like online shopping, makeup, Taylor Swift, I just can’t put my heart into and that is 100% fine for them to like!!!  I just can’t/don’t participate and feel really different from them is all.  anyways.  not a big deal.  then the stuff became bigger, like the “oh just gonna skip class” mentality that they both have from time to time.  which……I never understood because…..if you are mentally and physically able to go our parents are paying SO much money for this + literally what better things do we have to do than going to class????????  but again, minor.  extremely minor.

but then……….I started feeling some things were off.  with one housemate, she’s not even home half of the time because she’s at her boyfriend’s house ~30-40 minutes away (which I think takes away from her experience at college here but w/e it’s not my business and she seems happy) but other times he comes here.  he’s usually not a big problem but again, when he’s here she only spends time with him.  my only legit gripe with him is that when he’s here in the morning he takes a shower before leaving which…………I mean, ok, I get that you have to go to work but………..I have class to go to and I LIVE here?????????  could you please wake up earlier if you are going to do this????????  in my home??????  I expected to share the bathroom with two people, not three.  anyways, then for the housemate herself, she’s a perfectly nice person, but I have realized that our senses of humor are not on the same wavelength and I feel like I really have to put on an act for her to really click with me at all (not her fault, mine, but still something that bothers me).  my legit gripe with her is how passive aggressive she is with like asking us to clean stuff around the house…..like she’ll say something kind of serious and then after I say “oh ok sure I’ll do it tonight” or whatnot she’ll talk in this babyish kind of voice as if we were trying to confront her about something??????  I don’t know how to describe it but it makes me uncomfortable.  also, ok, not her fault, but she is from a pretty well off family and she is obsessive about like nickle-and-diming everything which I don’t know…..also annoys me?  like it always has to be EXACT with tax included which is like…..ok….that’s valid to a degree but you’re getting ONE DOLLAR more ????!?!!!!  whatever.  I think I’m just annoyed at how she just talks in a babyish way to us as if she is trying to avoid conflict when she asks us about things like mopping the floor?????  I don’t think I’m articulating this right but something about her demeanor is off-putting.  we’re also a part of this club together and she often puts her boyfriend/staying in bed over going to social interactions with the club which I mean is fine, it’s her choice, but it makes me kind of sad that she doesn’t really spend a lot of time with anyone other than him????  I don’t know anyways I’m not really super annoyed with her in particular.  usually I just need an hour break from her and we’re good again

it is the other one that I am kind of more fed up with……so first of all, they’re both kind of flaky about going to things, which is a HUGE pet peeve of mine because like…….how HARD is it to just DO something that you said you were going to do……..I mean ok if you’re sick sure, but like if you have a midterm two days later and we made the plan a week ago and agreed to it……you FUCKIN KNEW that it was going to happen so don’t cancel on me because you’re irresponsible!!!!! own up to your mistake!!!!!  whatever, anyways she just flakes out/cancels on plans all the time, almost always because of an academic thing she forgot about or LITERALLY just because she is tired…..and same thing with her and not going to social events for the club we’re in together.  I don’t know, I feel like it sends the message that her time/herself is more important than an agreement she made with someone.  like in the first two months of living with her she cancelled on me FIVE times.  and what makes it worse is that she does it so flippantly like…..I said “oh, yea, we have our dinner with friend x tonight!!” and she said “oh, yeah, that’s not happening” really casually in favor of staying in bed and I don’t know it really made me upset.  she also takes twenty minutes to shower which doesn’t sound like a lot but when you share a bathroom with others in the morning it is a TIME CRUNCH !!!!!!  two more things: one, the people that live above us used to have pretty frequent parties, and yeah, they were kind of loud but I at least never thought they were egregious (i.e. I could fall asleep).  this housemate is a pretty light sleeper so for the first few weeks of school when they were having parties she’d be like “can we call the cops” and I’d always be like “oh um I mean I’m ok with the noise for now but if you want to call them you can” just because I wanted to have a good relationship with the upstairs people just in case but I wasn’t super super opposed to filing a complaint.  but anyways this went on and on and she’d always ask ME to do it and I was like YOU ARE THE ONE that wants to call them, YOU be a big girl and do it.  eventually she got my other housemate + her boyfriend to call one night, which I was fine with, and I thought the ordeal was over.  but then one day on her birthday when we had a couple of friends over we were talking about it and in front of everyone she accuses me of not letting her call them!!!!!!!!!  like!!!!!! bitch!!!!!!! I fucking TOLD YOU YOU COULD I JUST WAS NOT GOING TO DO IT FOR YOU!!!!!!  AND YOU DIDN’T EVEN DO IT IN THE END!!!!!!!!!  I was just so annoyed that she would tell such a blatant lie in front of people/embarrass me in front of close friends.  but the latest thing that got to me was related to her light sleeping habit.  so basically I had a few of my favorite friends from college over at TEN on a Saturday night (tonight)…there were six of us total and we were pretty much just staying in my room, door closed, just snacks, no drinks.  anyways…..at ten thirty she says were are being TOO loud, she is trying to sleep, and ASKS US IF WE CAN GO TO SOMEONE ELSE’S HOUSE.  this just bothered me on SO many levels……..first of all, ?????  am I not allowed to have…..my friends over…..on a Saturday night after 9pm??????  then……you want me to….invite myself over at someone else’s house?????  I took a deep ass breath and just said we’d try to keep it down ((((I didn’t think we were really loud but reasoned ok we were watching videos on my projector and maybe we were laughing too loud, whatever, we’ll just talk)))) so we just talked.  we were just talking…..the six of us……and then at eleven thirty she comes into my room, pulls me aside, and basically tells me to kick them out and ask someone to host us.  but because I am just a people pleaser/weenie I just said yes to get her out of the way and told my friends.  my one source of validation was that one of them, my favorite friend in college, said that it wasn’t cool of her to do that to me since I lived here and it was before midnight on a Saturday which made me think……um yeah?????  and I was happy for the validation but I didn’t know what to do about it.  anyways I just told him I’d address in the morning even though I have no idea what I’d say to her and know I’m not going to say anything to her.  it just annoys me because she said she wanted to go to sleep because she had a “really late night” yesterday (read: she went out drinking) and I wanted to ask WHOSE FAULT THAT WAS and that basically she has a monopoly on all my nights here by just going to sleep and using her light sleeper excuse.  god.  I don’t hate her or anything I’m just very annoyed.  I think I’m just sad because I’m realizing our personalities aren’t as naturally compatible for friendship/I have to put on an act for both of them for things to run smoothly between us and all plus I am growing annoyed at their small quirks. 

I know I should probably just like tell them that I’m annoyed about these things but I don’t know how to do confrontation in non-professional/academic settings so I’m just going to have to SUFFER !!!!!!!!!  thanks for being here though, tumblr, I do feel at least a little better.

edit: I remembered something else about the first housemate!!!  like three weeks ago our wifi went out randomly and I was trying to communicate with her via text about it since she was at her boyfriend’s house.  I understand that it’s stressful to deal with but she was very evasive about doing anything and said “sorry I don’t have a lot of time to deal with this I have 2 midterms this week” which I mean is somewhat warranted but she didn’t ask/take into consideration me who also had two midterms that week????  like, we’re in college, we’re all having midterms.  but the other housemate was like ahhhh technology can’t do this sorry!!! (she is fairly inept with electronics) so I just sucked it up and called customer service/dealt with mailing it back to get a new one because I knew it’d just resolve it faster.  I wish I spoke up for myself more but just think it’s better to avoid conflict and do what I have to do to just resolve things faster.  but now I feel this way lmao so maybe not Update: LMAO I was such a drama queen about this what tf the fuck ????!!! .

[shijiujun]

[ENG] History3: Trapped Novel - Chapter Two

~6,500 words (proofread by @weilongfu​)

Translation Masterpost can be found here

Disclaimer: Translations are entirely mine - these are not official translations and some phrases have been changed for better English interpretation so you’ll definitely see better/different translations elsewhere. Also keeping in mind when we translated this we aren’t exactly thinking about the style of writing and this translation is as close to the novel as we can make it XD So yes, some parts may be a little awkward to read. And yes some teeny weeny details and words may not turn up in the translation because the Chi to Eng mind acrobatics didn’t work out. If you see asterisks, scroll all the way to the bottom for notes!

Full chapter below the cut

Chapter Two

The sound of a gun’s silencer echoes from inside a black sedan, and both Wang Kun Cheng and his driver are found dead inside with bullet wounds through their right temple, just hours after their meeting with Xing Tian Meng.

Time of death, 9pm.

Meng Shao Fei lies on his bed, thinking back to the meeting with Interpol during the day, where Team 3 and Interpol exchanged information on this case. Although Wang Kun Cheng’s men insist that the person who murdered their leader was Tang Yi, but as seen from Team 3 and Interpol’s investigation, there were no signs of struggle and fights inside the club where both parties met, and   moreover, Tang Yi has a perfect alibi.

As Wang Kun Cheng was shot at close range after he left the club, it is impossible that Tang Yi, who was at another location attending an evening gala dinner — they have CCTV footage to prove that he entered the hotel at 8.30pm and left only at 1am in the morning —  was the culprit for the murder. They aren’t ruling out the possibility of a third party committing the murder at Tang Yi’s orders, but the surveillance cameras in the area were tampered with and damaged before the murder happened, so before they can find further evidence and witnesses, Tang Yi is definitely not the culprit. However, he is curious about one thing… in the 48 hours after news of Wang Kun Cheng’s death was made known, Cambodia’s drug syndicate’s leader Chen Wen Hao immediately returned to Taiwan. Both Chen Wen Hao and Wang Kun Cheng used to be members of Xing Tian Meng, especially Chen Wen Hao. Xing Tian Meng is able to grow to its scale today because it was he and Tang Guo Dong who built the organisation up from scratch.

Even after Chen Wen Hao was sentenced to prison for 24 years due to the skirmish with Si He Hui, but during this time, the person who visited him most frequently was Tang Guo Dong. From this, it is obvious that they were very close to each other and had a deep relationship. If this was so, what reason would Tang Yi, who took over Xing Tian Meng in Tang Guo Dong’s place, have to go create trouble with Chen Wen Hao’s men, and even going so far as to kill the man?

Unable to sleep no matter what he does, Shao Fei finds himself leaving the bed and walking over to his bulletin board, filled entirely with profiles of people and information related to Xing Tian Meng. Staring at the drawing he made, he mumbles, “Four years ago…”

Four years ago, Chen Wen Hao immediately fled for Southeast Asia the moment he was released from prison, and his whereabouts have been unknown ever since until now with his return to Taiwan. Four years ago, Tang Guo Dong and Li Zhen both died on that hill, and no one knew why they met in secret, and there were so many rumors about Li Zhen illegally colluding with the mob. Four years ago, Tang Yi was shot at the scene and managed to live after many attempts at trying to resuscitate him. He became the only survivor of the incident, the only witness who possibly knows what happened on that day.

Meng Shao Fei looks at Tang Yi’s portrait sketch again, and asks it, as if he’s speaking directly to Tang Yi himself, “Aren’t you going clean with the mob? Aren’t you staying away from drugs? And didn’t you say you would never kill a person? Why are you giving up on your principles NOW? Why did you go touch Chen Wen Hao’s people?”

Shao Fei cannot think of any possible answer, and scratches at his head in frustration, pacing back and forth in his apartment.

The Tang Household

Standing at the balcony and looking into the night view in the distance, in Tang Yi’s hand lies a black, metallic lighter. He recalls what Boss Tang said to him eight years ago…

“Drizzle olive oil in the wok and circle it for two rounds? Can we do three rounds?”

At that time, Tang Yi had just turned 20 years old, and the thing he liked to do most was to bother Boss Tang in his space when he could, asking him to pass his cooking skills on to him.

“That’s fine too. The point is you have to make sure the entire wok gets the same amount of heat, that’s why we circle it,” Tang Guo Dong stands next to the stove, an apron tied around his own waist and guides Tang Yi to pay more attention to cooking as he smokes.

People always say that the lines on one’s foreheads represent the passing of time and age, as it catches up with you, and with every horizontal line therein lies a story that belongs to it, but in Tang Yi’s eyes, every mark on Boss Tang’s face is the culmination of both wisdom and duty. No matter how severe the problem is, once it lands in Boss Tang’s hands, the problem can be solved easily, just like no matter how complicated the cooking and recipes are, he is always able to handle it, all the while smoking at the same time.

In comparison Tang Yi is impatient in both his personality and cooking and thus, he deeply respects this man who is both like a father and teacher to him. He wonders if there ever will be a day, where he’s able to catch up to Boss Tang and this 30 year age gap, and from Boss Tang’s mouth hear-

I feel at ease leaving everything to you.

“Don’t smoke when you’re cooking,” Tang Yi says, immediately dropping the garlic and bell peppers he’s holding and snatches the cigarette pressed between Boss Tang’s lips.

The man whose cigarette was snatched away smiles a little helplessly, then crosses his arms and continues guiding Tang Yi, “After you put in the noodles, you need to stir it in the wok, otherwise it’ll stick to the base.”

Tang Yi looks at the food cooking in his wok and says, delighted, “It looks just like yours!”

“We’ll have to try the dish to know.”

Tang Yi tastes a spoonful of the food from the wok, frowns, then picks up the spicy sauce next to him and adds another half a spoon in, “Not spicy enough.”

Tang Guo Dong, who tried the dish at the same time, is frowning on the other hand, because of the spiciness he is tasting in his mouth. “Xiao Tang, you’re eating this so spicy?”

“Strange, why is it that no matter how I cook I just cook it the same way you do?”

“To govern a country is like cooking, have you ever heard of this?”

“No.

Tang Guo Dong smiles, then opens his mouth to explain, “All these years from handling and dealing with the gang’s every single matter no matter how big or small, I felt that, when we do things, we cannot be overly impulsive and rush into things, nor can we be complacent and passive. we have to think through each detail carefully in order to do things well. Take cooking for example, every brother is like an ingredient, you need to understand each ingredient’s taste to be able to put it in a dish, and then the taste of the finished dish will be the best.”

Tang Yi is intrigued by this analogy, and also curious about how Boss Tang sees him, he asks, “So which ingredient am I?”

“Lotus root.”

“Lotus root? Why a lotus root?”

“Did you forget the first time we met, how much dirt you had all over your body? Isn’t it just like the lotus root that’s just been harvested and pulled out from the soil?”

“Oh, so you detested me this much actually,” Tang Yi says, sulking as he brings the wok over to the person who’s plating dishes at his side.

The person most important to him just called him a dirty little runt, how could anyone be happy?

Tang Guo Dong laughs and takes out his cigarette box again. “Hey, Xiao Tang, you were born into unfortunate circumstances and grew up in a terrible environment, you managed to keep your spirit and character pure. I hope you never forget this, and that you don’t ever change.”

At this, Tang Yi returns Tang Guo Dong’s smile and replies, “I got it, Lao Tang. I will keep being like this.”

As long as Tang Guo Dong likes him like this, then Tang Yi will become the person that he likes, because to him, there’s no one else in the world who’s more important to him, more important than Tang Guo Dong.

“Actually, there’s another reason in persevering in cooking,” Tang Guo Dong adds somberly, taking off his apron and walking over to Tang Yi’s side, opening a wine bottle and pouring a glass for himself.

“What is it?”

“People like us who face death every day and are used to it, we don’t even know when we’ll die and go to meet our makers. If we can’t even deal with the basic necessity and function of eating in our lives, then what more fun in our lives can we have? So we have to be serious towards every meal, and that means also that we have to live our lives seriously.

“I understand. So when I’m done learning cooking from you, I’ll let you taste my cooking.”

“Done learning? You little shit, you only just learnt this little bit and you want to represent the Tang family and con people outside already?”

“I have confidence that I don’t need too much time to learn your ways.”

Tang Guo Dong puts up his thumb and praises, “Okay, you’ve got ambition. But if you want to take the wok and metals away from me, it’s not that easy!”

“I won’t disappoint you… although-“ Tang Yi looks at the failed finished product in the wok today, and laughs, “It looks like we still have to eat this not so delicious dish, let’s hope when we are done we won’t need a trip to emergency.”

Watching Tang Yi’s back as he picks up the plate and walk towards the dining room, Tang Guo Dong, who’s lived more than half a century, stops smiling, and in his heart, he makes a decision.

At a Japanese restaurant

The various members of Team 3 are gathered at a restaurant undercover as guests and wait staff for the ongoing investigation on Wang Kun Cheng’s death. They are currently surveilling a particular guest, who’s discussing business with another person.

Suddenly, a tall figure walks into the store, and once Shao Fei, who’s seated right at the entrance of the restaurant sees him, he stands up and brings the other person to a corner in the restaurant.

“Why are you here?”

Walking into the restaurant and stunned at seeing Shao Fei, Tang Yi abandons his original intentions for coming here and turns to leave.

“Since the police are investigating a case, I will not disturb.”

On the other side of the restaurant, Zhao Li An, who’s dressed as a waiter, is just about to run over to stop Shao Fei, but Zhou Guan Zhi stops him by holding onto his arm. He eyes Zhao Zi, indicating that they should continue as planned, or they will risk ruining the mission this time.

Shao Fei grabs onto Tang Yi’s elbow, staring right into his eyes and asks, “Since you’re already here, you might as well assist us on our investigation. Do you know a person called ‘Chen Wen Hao’?”

Tang Yi’s expression suddenly becomes stiff, and this does not go unnoticed by the cop who’s been hounding him for the past four years.

“Looks like we have the same goal, we’re here for the same person,” Shao Fei continues, his eyebrows raised.

“So you killed Wang Kun Cheng just to lure Chen Wen Hao back here. And for you, Xing Tian Meng’s leader who’s also trying to wash everything clean at the moment, to care so much about a Cambodian drug syndicate leader, there can only be two reasons. Firstly, you’ve made him come back because this was Tang Guo Dong’s mission for you.Or two, Chen Wen Hao has something to do with the double homicide from four years ago.”

Shao Fei’s guesses are so close to the truth, that in that moment, Tang Yi’s repressed rage emerges again — these four years, he has wanted to kill this person who’s only ever ruined all his plans countless of times, but countless of times, Tang Yi has also had to end his murderous thoughts towards this police officer.

Such action is out of character for Tang Yi — if Hong Ye and Ah De are unable to comprehend why he’s doing this, Tang Yi himself has no idea either.

“Have I hit the nail on the head, is that why you want to run?”

“I have nothing to say to Officer Meng,” Tang Yi snaps, gritting his teeth and turning away to leave the store.

He follows the stairs outside the restaurant to where he parked his car. His tone filled with anger, Shao Fei who’s only ever seen Tang Yi’s two sarcastic and cold expressions, is momentarily stunned. He breaks out of his trance, then rushes out of the restaurant to chase Tang Yi, his hand pressing against Tang Yi’s chest and stopping him from moving forward, his eyes incredibly sharp.

“I’m getting closer to the truth, correct?”

If he isn’t getting closer to the truth, why would Xing Tian Meng’s poker-faced leader make the effort of snapping at him?

“Officer Meng has his own mission that he’s not carrying out, and instead he’s here to obstruct my freedom again?”

“If my hypothesis is correct, then following you is the only way I can find out the truth.”

Tang Yi pushes Shao Fei’s hand away and walks over to the driver’s side to open the door, but Shao Fei grabs onto his wrist instead, slamming shut the door that’s just been opened.

“I’m asking you to leave, did you not hear me? These four years my tolerance towards you has reached a tipping point. Meng. Shao. Fei! Don’t test my patience!”

He pushes Shao Fei away, hard, and settles in the driver’s seat, shutting the door behind him securely. Unexpectedly, Shao Fei circles the car to the passenger side and unceremoniously sits inside the car, holding onto the brake.

“Tang Yi, if I don’t get my answers today I’m not letting you leave!”

Tang Yi points outside and shouts, “I’m warning you for the last time, get out of my car.”

“Hmph!”

Shao Fei turns to grab for the seatbelt, obviously having no intention to leave.

“You!”

Angrily, Tang Yi swings his right fist out to restrain both of Shao Fei’s hands, reaching to his back and grabbing the young police officer’s gun, that Tang Yi knows he has usually stuffed into the back of his waist, then pressing the muzzle of the gun to Shao Fei’s temple.

Just as Tang Yi is about to throw Shao Fei out of the car, the driver’s seat door is flung open from the outside, and reflex has Tang Yi moving the hand holding onto the gun towards the person outside, but his opponent quickly strikes at his hand, the gun falling to the ground.

Losing his most useful weapon hardly means that he has no other way to defend himself. He rushes out of the car with tight fists and immediately starts to land repeated blows on his attacker, who’s clad in a black suit. Shao Fei on the other hand is also facing a similar attack by a person wearing a black baseball cap and fighting him intensely.

Eventually, both Tang Yi and Shao Fei are forced into a corner by their attackers, pressed back to back. Unconsciously, they leave their vulnerable backs to one another, exchange a glance and then simultaneously attack. Punches and kicks going against the two men with retractable batons and knives, they are soon overpowered by the weapons.

“Boss wants you to meet him,” says the man attacking Tang Yi, pushing him to the floor and pressing a knife at his jugular.

===

As the black van follows along the left and right curves of the mountainous road, the occupants of the vehicle find themselves swaying from left to right as well.

“I can’t believe I’m handcuffed by my own handcuffs.”

Tang Yi side-eyes the man next to him, and scoffs, “It’s not like this is the first time.”

“Hey do you have to speak like this? If you didn’t take away my gun, would we be in this situation?” Shao Fei retorts, holding up his right hand that is currently attached to Tang Yi’s.

“Shut up!” warns the man seated in the third row of the car, one hand holding up a knife.

Tang Yi turns around to look at the man in black seated right behind them, and says, “Kidnapping a police officer is going to get troublesome for you guys.”

The man ignores Tang Yi; instead, it is the man seated in front driving the van that shoots both hostages a look through the rearview mirror, and smiles icily, “You should worry about yourself first!”

Their hands handcuffed together, Tang Yi taps Shao Fei’s pinky finger with his own, and once their gazes meet, Tang Yi gestures at Shao Fei. Shao Fei nods in understanding, then in an irritated tone, laments, “Why is it that when you guys do bad things you always run towards the mountains? It’s not that I want to comment, but this method lacks so much creativity that it really isn’t OK-“

Shao Fei yells immediately, after ensuring that Tang Yi’s right hand is creeping towards the handbrake of the van, “NOW!”

Bam!

Tang Yi kicks at the driver’s right arm, sending the man forward against the steering wheel, and at the same time Shao Fei leans forward to pull the handbrake up. The van strikes against the walls of the mountain and the impact stops the van immediately. Before the driver can react, Shao Fei has already moved into the passenger seat and with a kick, knocks the driver out.

He sees Tang Yi getting punched in the face by the other guy in the back, and Tang Yi, with his hand movement restricted, can barely defend himself against the attack. Seeing that the other guy is rushing towards Tang Yi with a knife in his hands, Shao Fei moves back to his seat and stands between Tang Yi and his attacker, getting a slash across his arm for his trouble. Then, they use the handcuff chains between them to trap their attacker’s wrists, and Tang Yi strikes the knife in his hands to the ground.

In the chaos, Tang Yi sees Shao Fei’s wound on his right arm, bleeding profusely.

And right in that moment, Tang Yi loses all composure and logic that he is so proud of. He swings his fist repeatedly at his attacker, and doesn’t stop even when his face is all bloodied from the impact of his punches.

“We have to go!”

Shao Fei is afraid that Tang Yi will just kill the man, so he opens the door and pulls Tang Yi, who has lost all control, out of the car. They give up on moving along the visible and easily trackable roads and instead choose to head inside the dense forest to escape.

In between the trees, four other men — their attackers’ accomplices who were travelling behind them in another van — split up to look through every nook and cranny of the forest.

“Damn it, they can really hide huh?”

“Did you find them on your side?”

“No.”

“You, and you, go that side and look.”

“Yes.”

They continue their search for an hour to no avail, and they do not realise that the Xing Tian Meng leader they’re trying to find is actually hiding behind a big rock, covered in green moss.

Tang Yi is using his entire body to protect and shield Shao Fei, until the noise grows faint and more distant from their hiding spot, only then does Tang Yi heave a sigh of relief. He turns around and crouches low to the ground, using the rock as a backrest.

Maybe it’s because fleeing for their lives is an intense sport, or maybe it’s because the both of them were suddenly so close to each other earlier, so close that Shao Fei can even catch a hint of Tang Yi’s cologne, Shao Fei feels his face heating up strangely. All he can do is raise their hands up, still cuffed to each other, to distract himself.

“If only we didn’t have this.”

“Who brought it here?”

Having just experienced a life or death situation, Tang Yi’s tone as he speaks to Shao Fei has changed somewhat from before. From being ice cold and distant, Tang Yi is now talking as if he would make fun of a friend.

Unable to retort, Shao Fei rolls his eyes instead, but in the next second see Tang Yi using his right hand to pinch at this left thumb, and just as he’s about to ask, he hears the sound of a bone being dislocated.

“What the fuck are you doing?”

With his left thumb dislocated successfully, Tang Yi’s hand leaves the restraints of the handcuffs, and then easily snaps his dislocated thumb back into its original place. Shao Fei can feel how painful that action just was just by looking, but Tang Yi just did it with barely a sound and a frown.

“This can also work?”

Shao Fei, with wide eyes, watches as Tang Yi just walks off with a shake of his hands, then follows the man to hopefully somewhere more suitable to hide at, a hand covering his own wound.

===

Ding dong ding dong!

“Ah Fei!!! Ah Fei are you inside?” Zhao Zi stands outside Shao Fei’s apartment door, one hand pressing at the doorbell and the other dialling Shao Fei’s number, but all he gets is Shao Fei’s voice message.

“This is Meng Shao Fei, if there’s anything urgent, please leave a message.”

“Ah Fei if you don’t pick up the phone, Boss is really going to throw me out!”

Zhao Zi’s pitiful complaint echoes down the empty stairway. After half an hour of no reply, all he can do is give up. He walks down the stairs, worried.

“I’m at the alley near Ah Fei’s house. He’s not at home and I can’t get through to him on his phone. Oh, okay. We’ll keep in touch. I’ll contact you guys after I find him. Okay, bye.”

Hanging up on the call with his team’s colleagues, Zhao Zi recalls how Boss always scolds him for not using his brains, and at the spur of the moment, he leaves his phone in his jacket’s pocket and pulls up the zip, then does a handstand and begins walking on the ground on his hands.

He giggles. He’s actually still pretty smart, as long as he make all the blood rush into the top of his head, and when that happens, his brain will begin to work at a higher capacity. Maybe he’ll be able to find a way to find Shao Fei like this even! Just as Zhao Zi smiles gleefully to himself, a pair of cool blue leather shoes step into his line of vision, and as his eyes follow along those long legs all the way up to see who this person is, he sees the man who he brought to the station previously. Tang Yi’s bodyguard, the man called Jack.

“Are you looking for me?”

Zhao Zi puts both his legs down and dusts his hands off, but Jack grabs him by the back of his shirt collar around his neck, and picks him up. “Let’s go!”

“Huh? What are you doing? Where are you bringing me to?”

Like a rabbit whose neck was just bitten by a wolf in the wild, Zhao Zi follows the man called Jack helpless, leaving the alley at Shao Fei’s house.

“What are you catching me for?” asks Zhao Zi later.

He doesn’t know when he was struck unconscious. All he knows is that when he woke up earlier, he found himself incarcerated in a dark room. In the room sits only a single lamp and the big bad wolf who caught him, and brought him here.

“Where did Meng Shao Fei bring my boss?”

Zhao Zi opens his mouth wide, surprised, and asks, “Ah Fei is really with Tang Yi then?”

“Are you pretending to be stupid?”

Jack, with a whole head of red hair, glares at the rookie police officer, his eyes tinged with a glint of danger and sharpness. Jack doesn’t know what tricks Zhao Zi is playing here, but he takes out his phone, and plays the surveillance footage from the camera at the Japanese restaurant’s entrance for Zhao Zi to see.

“They’re really together! I’m looking for Ah Fei urgently, do you know where they went?” He sighs. “Forget it. You definitely don’t know either, otherwise you wouldn’t have brought me here… Damn it, if we don’t find Ah Fei soon, it’ll be my turn to write 3000 words in my apology letter,” Zhao mumbles, standing up from the chair.

“Call him!” Jack commands, taking out his phone and presenting it to his ‘hostage’.

“I tried, but his phone is switched off.”

“I don’t believe you.”

“I said, if I can’t get through to him, I really can’t get through to him.”

Jack holds onto his own phone, and coldly says, “Then give me his number, I’ll call.”

“I’m not going to give it to you! I’m a police officer and at the very least I need to ensure that my colleague is protected and safe, so I won’t give you Ah Fei’s number. I absolutely will not!”

Intrigued suddenly by this fearless boy, Jack circles around Zhao Zi, then stares at him head on, unnervingly.

“Even if you glare at me I won’t.”

Jack takes a step forward, approaching the boy who’s hugging his knees and curling into a ball on the couch.

“Even if you beat me to death I won’t.”

Bam!

Wrapped in fingerless leather gloves, that fist suddenly slams against the back of the couch, and the sound of something being hit echoes in the room.

“No matter what you do, I won’t!”

Zhao Zi is so afraid that he’s already covering his own ears, his entire body shaking in fear, and yet he still refuses Jack in a clear, loud voice.

Jack’s lips curve in a smile. He turns around and walks out of the dark room, and locks the door from the outside.

“Hey! Open the door! Open the door!! Don’t leave me here alone! Hey!” shouts the rookie cop at the top of his lungs as he strikes at the door, the rookie cop who’s not afraid of threats but is apparently, afraid of the dark.

On the mountains, in an abandoned structure

In order to hide from either Wang Kun Cheng or Chen Wen Hao’s men, both Tang Yi and Shao Fei chose to take temporary refuge at this abandoned house first. They started a fire earlier with the wood that Tang Yi found to keep warm, and it is the only source of light in the dark place.

“Can you really not help me open this?” Shao Fei asks, shaking the handcuff still attached to his right wrist.

Tang Yi sends Shao Fei a look, then stresses, “It will hurt!”

“Please, I, Meng Shao Fei, have survived even bullet wounds, will I be scared of this pain?”

Carelessly, Shao Fei reaches his hand over, but the moment Tang Yi grabs onto his thumb and starts to twist it, Shao Fei begins to yell out in pain, “It hurts! It seriously hurts!!”

“I thought you aren’t afraid of pain?”

“Stop twisting it!! Okay okay, I’ll just keep on wearing it then!” Shao Fei implores, his face entirely pale as he hits at Tang Yi’s arm to let him go.

Tang Yi smiles knowingly, as if expecting this outcome all along, and returns to his position by the fire. At this, Shao Fei steals glances at Tang Yi with astonishment, and mumbles, “Fuck. How can this not hurt? Does that guy have any pain nerves in the first place?”

Leaning against the wall, Tang Yi watches as Shao Fei picks up the unused wood and head towards the inside of the house, and he asks, “What are you doing?”

“The weather is so cold, I’m going to start a fire inside and at night we’ll sleep in there.”

“I’m going to take the first watch,” refuses Tang Yi.

It’s as if his rejection just erected a tall and cold wall between them both, but Shao Fei is already used to the way Tang Yi is, so he merely shrugs. He picks up the lighter sitting next to the wood, and says, “Up to you. If you’re not afraid of the cold you can sleep here by yourself, I’m going inside, and lend me this-“

“Don’t touch that!”

Suddenly, Tang Yi who was just a few seconds ago sitting next to the fire, snatches the lighter back from Shao Fei’s hands.

“Why are you so fierce? If you don’t give me the lighter how am I going to start a fire?”

Tang Yi does not reply, only picking up glowing branch from the fire and passing it to Shao Fei. He listens as Shao Fei’s mumbles return to where he was earlier, and as he looks at the lighter sitting in his palm, Tang Yi recalls…

Four years ago

“Here.”

After lighting a cigarette, Tang Guo Dong passes the lighter in his hand to the young man standing next to him.

“Why?”

“I thought you liked it?”

“No work, no reward,” Tang Yi places the lighter back in Tang Guo Dong’s hand, and seriously looks at the man. “What do you want me to help you with?”

Tang Guo Dong is stunned for a moment, and then he laughs, “”Xiao Tang, it’s really so hard to lie to you! I think you, too, know the answer to this question. Help to dismantle Xing Tian Meng, and start to move everything into legal businesses.”

“Aren’t you already doing that?”

“I need someone to continue doing it for me.”

Tang Yi frowns, and once again snatches the cigarette away from Tang Guo Dong’s mouth. “Don’t say that as if you’re going to die soon.”

“When you’re in this line of business, you must always be prepared for death.”

Tang Guo Dong exhales, then opens his left hand where the lighter rests in his palm. He asks, “So what is it? Do you dare take it?”

“Hmph. You failed at your request, so you’ve switched to challenging me instead?”

Tang Guo Dong laughs, taking the cigarette back from Tang Yi, and replies, “You’ll accept it, because you hate drugs more than anyone else. But to make sure you take care of everyone, you need to have money, that’s why no gang in the world will stay away from drugs. Since we’ve decided to call a halt to it, we must be prepared.”

“The person you’re meeting tomorrow… is there a problem?”

“No.. it’s just,” Tang Guo Dong shakes his head, then reaches out with his left arm and hooks it around Tang Yi, “Just treat it as a back up plan. Please. If one day I’m not here anymore, you have to continue with the work of washing Xing Tian Meng clean.”

Hesitantly, Tang Yi looks at Tang Guo Dong who’s speaking with so much emotion. Tang Guo Dong, who is both his father and teacher.

“Xiao Tang! Humans are really too weak, we’re always looking for excuses so we can escape, finding excuses so we can make mistakes, and even blaming our failures on fate, but we forget that for every decision and action we make, we have to pay its price. After all, the money we made from drugs is dirty money, and even if we survived long enough to earn the money, we wouldn’t get to spend it. I don’t want our brothers to live a life standing at the edge of death. I’m not afraid to be laughed at, but it took me a few decades to realise that the best life is one where we live normally.”

“What’s good about a normal life? We’ll only get bullied.”

Just like that year’s 12-year old Tang Yi and 10-year old Hong Ye, two children stranded on the streets, homeless — that was normal enough a life, was it not? But ‘normal’ didn’t feed them, and it would only ensure that they get bullied by children older than they, and if they didn’t meet Tang Guo Dong then, they probably wouldn’t have made it to adulthood. They definitely would not be like this now, having experienced the happiness of being doted on by someone.

Tang Guo Dong turns around, leaning against the railings behind him and thinks about the past. “Maybe the you right now won’t be able to understand, but some people, because of me, were robbed of the ‘normal life’ he should have had. I owe him too much, and in this life, I am unable to make amends.”

“Who? A woman?” Tang Yi asks curiously, looking at the man who, with every sentence, is becoming even more serious.

However, Tang Guo Dong has no intentions of answering that question, and instead just smiles. “One day there’ll be a certain someone who will make you understand what it means to lead a normal life, and what a beautiful feeling it is, to be able to lead this life. So, do you accept?”

The lighter is once against thrust under his nose, and this time, as Tang Yi looks at the wisps of white smoke in the air, he promises, “I promise you. If you’re not around anymore, I will still make sure Xing Tian Meng is washed clean, even if I die-“

“Hey hey hey! You’ve only got one life, don’t waste it.”

Tang Guo Dong tries to stop Tang Yi from saying such inauspicious words, but the 24-year old merely looks into the sky and repeats what the man just told him, “When you’re in this line of business, you must always be prepared for death.”

“You!”

Lines pulling at the edges of his mouth as he smiles, Tang Guo Dong looks at Tang Yi, doting.

“Lao Tang.”

“Hmm?”

Tang Guo Dong throws the butt of his cigarette on the ground and steps on it, then proceeds to light up a second stick.

“I want to ask you a question.”

“Nnn!”

“Why did you pick me? Xing Tian Meng has so many other uncles, and brothers, no? Even if you wanted to find someone younger, there’s still-“

“It can only be you.”

“Why?”

“Because only if I hand it over to you will I be at ease.”

Tears quickly fill his eyes and his vision blurs. Tang Yi looks away, because finally, he’s hearing the words he wanted to hear most.

I’ll be at ease, handing everything over to you.

On the mountains, in an abandoned structure

Tang Yi returns back to the present from his thoughts, only to see that Shao Fei is already lying on the wooden boards, prepared to sleep.

“I really envy you, you can sleep anywhere.”

Lying on the boards, Shao Fei covers his own body with his olive green jacket, as he removed the jacket earlier to treat his own wound, and says, “As human beings we need to be adaptable and take whatever comes, a young, rich master like you who can’t sleep without a bed will never understand.”

“Do you know how to train, to escape?”

Shao Fei looks at Tang Yi at his sudden, seemingly irrelevant question, not understanding why he’s bringing this up at all.

“You have to train when you’re young. First, you twist the thumb inwards. Wait for the bone to grow again and then twist it broken again. Grow, then break. You practice it repeatedly until you’re able to do it. I ask you, which rich master from any family grows up like that?”

Shao Fei looks at this man, who now seems so different from the man he imagined in his head, and asks, “Who forced you to?”

“No one forced me to, I wanted to do it myself. Being part of any gang… we are closer to death, and when you want to survive, you’ll force yourself to do a lot of things.”

“So it’s not that you can’t sleep… but you don’t dare to sleep?”

So when Tang Yi said that he would keep watch earlier, it wasn’t because he was distancing himself, or putting a wall back up in between the both of them, but because the man before his eyes doesn’t feel that he has a person he can truly rely on and trust.

At this sudden display of sensitivity from the usually impulsive and fiery character that is Shao Fei, Tang Yi is speechless. He then laughs wistfully, walking to where there should have been windows installed in this entire building. Leaning against the rusty surface and looking at the clear sky and moon, he says, “I’m only pretending to go legal with Xing Tian Meng, actually I am-“

Shao Fei gets up from where he’s seated and interrupts Tang Yi’s sarcastic monologue. Bowing, he apologises, “It’s my fault! I was wrong. I was too full of myself, to be so sure that it was you… Tang Yi, I’m sorry!”

Tang Yi looks at the man before him, and somewhere deep inside his heart, he is moved by Shao Fei’s words.

“Hey, I’ve already said so much, you should at least give me a response!”

“This is my first time seeing a monkey who knows how to reflect on himself.”

“Hey! Who are you calling a monkey? Let me tell you, even if you’re sincere in trying to wash Xing Tian Meng clean, I will be keeping my eyes on you. The moment you do anything illegal, I’ll still arrest you!”

“Keep your eyes on me?”

“Yes! Keep my eyes on you. Both eyes!” Shao Fei points his fingers at Tang Yi.

In that moment, Tang Yi’s mouth curves into a smile that Shao Fei has never seen before, and says, “Okay. Then I’ll keep on letting you keep your eyes on me.”

“Then I- I’m going to sleep. Good- good night…”

Suddenly, Shao Fei can feel his cheeks heating up again. He flees back to the corner he was lying at earlier, pulls his jacket over himself and pretends to sleep.

[fridakahlosvoice]

Birth Day

   I was born on the 3rd of July. Not the 4th, the 3rd. Not Independence Day, but it’s little sister. Just the day before. When people start popping off their fireworks and shooting their patriotic loads into the sky, as a warm-up, you know, for the big one. When I was little my ma used to tell me the fireworks were for me. And even though I had sensitive ears, and watched most of the fireworks show from the living room while slurping down some slightly melted ‘nilla ice cream, I thought to lil self: hey bitch, that’s fucking cool! Look at those bright ass colors, magic fire flowers pelting across the sky. The huge, satisfyingly horrible booms that shake the ground below your sunburned feet: those bombs bursting in air. 

   When I got a little older, like, old enough to watch the fire works outside with the rest of the family, I had learned the Historic, His Story of everybody's favorite American Revolution. And I fuckin’ loved it. How could you not? Rebels and underdogs, our dear fore-fuckin’-father paved the way for a long line of racist white dick heads to control and condemn an entire population of people. The cruelty enlisted and employed by men in power was (is) far reaching and undeniable: to their wives, their children, the immigrants that seek safety under Lady Liberties smelly arm pit, people forced here by nasty white hands, AND in fact, the very people that lived here first! Gosh be darned! That’s a whole lot to celebrate, aint it?! Happy fucking INDEPENDENCE Day to Us! 

   HA. Independence from what? From one white oppressor just to turn around and be another? No thx America. Nooooo thx. And then one day, I was born. On July the 3rd. So. I like, share this birthday with…America. And I’ve never been able to escape it. The beaches are flooded, camp grounds destroyed, restaurants pillaged, all to get a day off from you cubical and some tired, yet magical, crazy fire light show (honestly, I can’t help it, fireworks are amazing to me.) Maybe you drink lukewarm Budweiser and eat a weenie. Happy fucking birthday, ‘Merica! you say as you peel your thong sandal that’s been sunburned to your smelly ass foot. Your red, white and blue swim trucks sag as you sway in a ‘too many beers with the boyz’ haze. USA! USA!! Literally. Fuck right off! Fuck right off! 

   It has never really felt right that my birthday was so close to Lady Liberties, though in some ways it’s just the kind of curious so wrong it’s right-ness that I have always lived.

   I was born in Washington state, and though my little heart is plum full of evergreens, I was really raised in, and would call myself a native Californian. When my parents split, I moved to San Diego with my mom and my grandparents. This was where the curiosities began. You see, I looked a lot like this one huge community of people settled along the Pacific coast line, yet I acted much more like this other group, this whiter group, that I lived with. 

   From a very young age I understood dads side of the family (mostly only seen at summer or Christmas) was the Mexican side, and my ma’s side, the side I spent my day-to-day with were…well…comfortable. I hate to admit that. But that was how it was. 

   I always felt different among the Corrals. They were all so beautiful, and loud. Constant streams of yelling, singing, laughter. And I always wanted to be like that, but always I felt quiet and shy. Soon, I realized that what I felt was white, even though my skin was the darkest in the group. I was dark, chubby, and tall. I always felt I stuck out in family pictures. It was a wonderfully awkward place to grow. 

   I only have one cousin in that mesh of marvelous Mexicans that speaks Spanish. None of the rest of us can, none of our Mexican fathers ever could. The sadness of that story is for another day, but I wonder how it felt for her to be the only. Someday, I will ask. 

   See, here’s the thing. No one ever sat me down and said ‘Maiya, you are mixed race.’ I think a lot of that is because of the free-love-hippy-moment my parents were having out in Santa Cruz when they met. I think part of what was powerful about their time was that they just kind of, went for it. But no one ever set some time aside to explain to me that How I Look is going to garner some questions along the way. Especially when How I Look is hard to pin-point and define. 

   Often, especially when I was younger, people would look at me and ask the Golden Standard: ‘Where are you from?’ And honestly, when I was really young I was like, ‘Um, Bothell Washington?’ Because I didn’t fucking know what they meant. Later, I caught on. So when they would ask, I would pipe back: ‘Are you asking me why I’m brown?’ Because I could easily answer the question with: Bothell, or San Diego or the Bay Area or ‘Oh! My mothers family is Scottish’  but thats not what they are asking. They are asking me why my skin is so dark, and my hair is so straight. 

   One time I was in a market Ashland, Oregon. I love Oregon but god is that place a racist shit show. I was excited to buy my most favorite Hawaiian BBQ chips (they don’t carry them in Chicago. CHICAGO FIX THIS PLEASE.) I am standing at the end of the isle excitedly holding my chips while my partner pays the tab. A super well-meaning, mega-dangerous white lady looks at me, and my chips. She smiles. ‘Those look good.’ She says. ‘Oh they are.’ I answer. ‘Hawaiian BBQ’ She sighs. ‘Oh yeah.’ I answer. She looks at me. At my chips. I’m like, sheesh back-off lady these are mine. She looks at me again. Smiles. ‘So. Are you from the Islands?’ The Islands? What? Wait. What is happening right now? ‘No.’ I say. ‘I am from Bothell, Washington.’ And I skulk away to eat my chips. It’s not her fault, that the bitch is white. I’m white too, I’m not judging you on that. But why say something like that? Why look at my brown skin, holding some dank-ass chips that happen to have a Hula Dancer on the front and be so bold as to ask me some whiteass question like: ‘Are You From The Islands’ ?! And here is another crazy thing about this: I have found only my other blended, ambiguous, mixed ass friends understand the frustration and violence in this story. Because even here I have trouble finding the words to properly name that feeling. And maybe that is the magic and the tragedy of it all. 

   Without a language, my brown skin has been the source of constant confusion for me. Of course, I went through the natural stages of being mixed-race (and raised mostly around white folx) like trying to hide it and feeling really different and awkward then most of my friends. Lucky for me, my mama gave me a huge gift. She told me I was beautiful. Over and over again. Beautiful and smart and interesting. And so it didn’t take me long to get over that awkward feeling and start to really adore this beautiful brown skin. Because really, it is fucking stunning. And it is true I love it more and more as I grow. Feel proud of it and honor its strength and glow. But it’s also left me alienated. I’m not, like, Mexican enough. And I’m brown as fuck so sure as hell not going to be white enough. The divide and distance between those two worlds leaves me stupefied and shrugging. 

   So as I watch calendar tick down the minuets away from my birthday, the 3rd and toward Independence day, the 4th, I seriously can’t help but wonder: Independence for whom? From whom? For what? Beyond the obvious understanding of facts and myths about the Revolution, beyond the mythos of the time we, Americans, banned together to kick our stuffy big brothers out the door: who is this independence for? Who is it from? What. Do. You. Celebrate? There is not a lot to celebrate now. Immigrants to this country hold keys to cages that hold people native to this land. War mongering idiots ask us to pledge allegiance to a flag that has never stood for us, it’s people, not really. When I think about personal Independence, it means inner revolution. It means loving myself so much I wouldn’t let anyone or anything take it away. Independence means being able to buy your own beer, or stay up writing words you’ve never said before, or kissing someone beautiful so hard it’s like you become them. This is what I am realizing: the forth of July is not a holiday, it’s not important or reasonable. And really it just promotes too many Joe Budweisers picking their white assholes at the beach. Let’s face it, Joe. Ya time is up. Erase this Holiday. Let’s find more meaningful ones that celebrate our beautiful nations roots, honoring the trees that grow here or the people that nurtured this dirt. Let’s ask them what we should celebrate. Let’s ask our neighbor what she or he or they need to celebrate. Let’s celebrate mixed-race confusion and Mexicans and the ocean. And if all else fails, let’s just celebrate my birthday. I am totally fine with that. 

[min-sugakookies]

Tag Game

Tag Game tagged by: @rayrayswimusic Thank you, I love doing these!!! Rules: Answer these 92 statements and tag 20 people. LAST… Drink: Good ole Coke! Phone call: I hate talking on the phone, so I can't really remember who the last person I talked over the phone with was. Text message: Last person I talked to was @n3rdlif343va this fandom made us best friends. I'm blessed to have her to talk to. Song you listened to: Halo by Starset. Time you cried: today. Got really frustrated and stressed out. HAVE YOU… Dated someone twice: Never dated... 😑 Kissed someone and regretted it: I repeat... Never dated... 😑😑 Been cheated on: Nope, but I did get stood up by a friend... Bitch is out of my life now. Lost someone special: No... But I dread the day I do.... 😞 Been depressed: Yes, to the point I feel like I'm actually suffering from it... Gotten drunk and thrown up: Only 20, so nope. Made new friends: Yes!!! This fandom has brought me so much happiness! Fallen out of love: And I repeat again. Never dated... 😒 Laughed until you cried: Every fucking day lol... I cry so easily when I laugh... I watch a funny video I need tissues cause as I laugh, the tears come to... I'm so weird! Found out someone was talking about you: No, I don't think so... Hmm.... Met someone who changed you: Nope... Found out who your friends are: Yes... Kissed someone from your Facebook list: Umm... My Facebook friends consist of my family... So absolutely no! Kissed a stranger: nope!!! Eww... Drank hard liquor: nah uh!!! Can't drink yet, and may be allergic to half the liquor out there. Lost glasses/contact lenses: I don't wear glasses or contacts.... But I have lost my sunglasses before. Turned someone down: I think I might have a long time ago when I went to see Chevelle in concert... But idk if he was even hitting on me. My socially awkwardness came and said Abort Abort... And I Aborted. Sex on the first date: Fuck no! Broken someone’s heart: repeating.... Never dated...😔 Had your heart broken: if we're talking like dating type heartbroken... Then nah. Been arrested: hahahahaha!!! I don't get out if the house enough lol. Cried when someone died: I honestly can't remember... Fallen for a friend: Maybe.... Kissed on the first date: Goddammit... No... Never freaking dated... GENERAL List 3 favorite colors: Grey, Green, and hmm... maybe black. How many Facebook friends do you know in real life: Since they are mostly my family, all of them. I don't have a lot friends. Was homeschooled 😛 Do you have any pets: Yes!!! Two poodles one miniture the other a toy. Natasha and Nitro!! Do you want to change your name: Hell yes... I'd love something more different. What time did you wake up: Hehe... I never went to sleep last night. As I write this it's 6:55 pm... I've been up all night and day... Fucking insomnia. What were you watching at midnight last night: Let me see... Um... I think maybe one of the gamers I love to watch. It was probably either Ohmwrecker or Seananners. Name something you can’t wait for: I'm getting a new phone soon, I definitely can't wait for that or a new laptop so I can get back to my fic. When was the last time you saw your mom: Shes right beside me so just now... What is one thing you wish you could change in your life: That I didn't have this fucking skin condition, that I could go back and actually go to school instead of being homeschooled (cause Im allergic to like so many things it's not even funny), be in dance. Just a ton of things.... I especially wish my mom didn't get cancer in December. I wish I could change that.... Fortunately she's getting better but it still weighs on the mind. What are you listening to right now: Stay This Way by From Ashes To New. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: Honestly I could have, I was around a lot of adults growing up. So possibly... Something that is getting on your nerves right now: every little loud noise at the moment, the reason I'm listening to music... I hate loud bangs and I feel like snapping at every bark from a dog or door slamming. Most visited website: Ao3, YouTube, and Tumblr. Mark/s: I'm probably just being stupid, but idk what this means??? Childhood dream: Man, probably a dancer or something to do with music.... I love music so much!!! Do you have a crush on someone: yeah, but there all fictional 😒😒😒 ugh. What do you like about yourself: My green hair, that needs to be done!! Piercings: ears, double holes on both. Blood type: *snort* idk.... Nickname: Fullmetal. Relationship status: I'm a single beotch!!! Zodiac: Scorpio. Pronouns: She/Her. Favorite TV show: Scorpion. Tattoos: Got none!! Right or left hand: I'm a right!!! 😊 Surgery: Nope, never even had a broken bone. Hair dyed in different color: Yep, got a green ombre going!!! Sport: Sports... I'm to lazy for sports... I did theater!!! Vacation: Nope, non coming up. Pair of trainers: ???? 😮😮😮 What.... Current and all-time best friend name: sorry, can't say her name cause I don't want to let out something private like that, but it's @n3rdlif343va Eye color: Hazel. Favorite movie: Will always be How To Train You're Dragon 1 and 2... I just love it so much!!! WHICH IS BETTER? Hugs or kisses: Hugs, but I'd rather be left alone... Lips or eyes: The Eyes, cause there the key to the soul !! Shorter or taller: Taller, cause this Motherducker here is short. Nice arms or stomach: Idk... I guess I like nice arms.. Sensitive or loud: A lil of both... More on the sensitive side. Hook up or relationship: relationship!! Troublemaker or hesitant: I'm a weeny... So hesitant. DO YOU BELIEVE IN… Yourself: Ehh... Kinda... Miracles: Sorry, but no... I'm not religious and never will be. Love at first sight: Again... I'm single... So nope lol Santa Claus: Nope... I'm a very cynical person when it comes to holidays and stuff like santa... __________________________________________ Okay!!! I'm tagging: @n3rdlif343va @daysinrussiavictuuri @maydei @thesundaymorningpost @lucycamui @lamenart @lovelytitania @actualyuuri @akemi-hy @viktrnikifrov @viktuurificwriters @victuurificthings @nikiforoov @fyeahyurionice @paxohana @justmeandmysillystuff @rhapeseuhans @sylvadorgrey @aina-p @extranikiforov

[gengarfamily]

I still get reviews and messages sometimes about Don’t Take Forever, and whenever I’m sad I read through them and it makes me SO happy so I thought I’d share My Top DTF Moments and their origins.

Part One: Johto (slowburnhell)

so when I started writing this it was going to be a little cute oneshot collection of nice moments at various points in their journey (but then plot happened so) and all the plot fell together because I was obsessively listening to Lucy Rose at the time, specifically her song Little Brave (which actually gave the title, bc don’t take forever is like the chorus riff).

FAVE part of this chapter is the cafe scene in Olivine, where the foghorn jokes begin and May was crying but subtly doesn’t feel AS sad when she’s around him. The foghorn jokes that I get so much shit for now are from an irl conversation between me and a friend, when we used to give each other shit for our own bouts of seasickness, and he lived in a place where we needed boat transportation to see each other.

Other fave part is probably the hug in Blackthorn, because it makes me all squirmy and warm to think about, and it’s also my fave bit of the piano arrangement I did for this. anyway.

Big belief that Drew associates every single sunset he sees with May so obviously that’s why I kept writing her has wearing burnt orange I’m not sorry. AND OBVIOUSLY THEY KNOW EACH OTHERS BREAKFAST ORDERS THIS ISN’T EVEN A QUESTION.

Top Quote:

“Well you know, foghorns,” he shrugged, and she laughed harder. “They just call out to me.”

Part Two: Sinnoh (angst city)

I love lonely Drew. I LIVE for lonely Drew. Drew brooding and sulking and quietly repressing his emotions because he has more important things to focus on than just his girlfriend being far away; this is my aesthetic. I think my 100% top moment in this was probably catching Driftloom? I love Floroma Town and the windworks as an area in Sinnoh from way back when I first played D/P, I thought it was such a pretty place and if I lived anywhere in the Pokemon Universe it would DEFINITELY be there. 

Originally, I was going to write Drew’s mother as promising lots, and then ditching all the time. Sort of, she really wishes she could be a good mother but she’s just terrible at follow through and she can’t be counted on, so she was going to miss the final match and let him down or s o m e t h i n g, and I was going to have a bit of a stand off between Brendan and Drew, not over May, but over Marina and Drew’s dislike of her making Brendan super angry or SOMETHING. (I had a lot of vague ideas). In the end, I realized Marina was best left alone to be developed properly another time, because I always wanted to let her fall back into place with Jimmy. I also knew I wanted Karen to have some horrible bitterness to her, and some kind of “once mine, always mine,” mentality, so this idea of desperately clinging to her last chance of a good reputation seemed appealing.

Dawn and May in the coffee shop and Dawn yelling loudly about May’s feelings to embarrass her in front of Drew’s Dad is everything that matters to me. Also, I gave May an astigmatism because if you tell me that’s a girl who can see 100% you’re telling me a lie. ALSO DREW AND MAX SHOULD BE BEST FRIENDS that’s all.

Top Quote:

“Drew likes to make you think he’s cool,” Max informed them dutifully, pushing his glasses up his nose a little, “but it’s a lie. It’s a well thought out, calculated lie. This is part of the lie. Never forget, he is in fact a weenie.”

Part Three: Hoenn (1)

I live for the Christmas section here. I wanted to set them up as companions, that even though they traveled separately they were a unit and they were a partnership and what better environment than navigating a family christmas? Caroline and Drew as a friendship means EVERYTHING to me. And anyone who has spoken to me for more than three seconds knows that I have a LOT of feelings about Norman and May, but I’ll talk about that in the next section.

#letpaulappreciatecontests2k17

Shout out to this section for Max, who introduces Drew as top coordinator and full time weenie when he battles Norman. This is the most frequently commented upon moment when I get messages and reviews, and it means so much to me that you seem to share my terrible sense of humor. 

the bit where May does Drew’s tie because she’s used to league functions with her family and Drew is just a sarcastic mess was completely improvised because I had just realised that I would have to cut Hoenn into two parts, and I was naive and thought I’d need padding. I thought I might take it out when I realised HOW LONG Hoenn p2 ended up being but it’s now my fave bit of fluff in the whole thing, so. you know. have at it. and it also kind of hints at the whole sexual tension part of their relationship that gets addressed in part four so here just take it you sinners

The whole phone cliffhanger at the end was originally going to go somewhere SO MUCH MORE DEEP and have this horrible plotline where Drew’s parents had a huge thing and Matthew tried to reach May to talk to Drew before Karen could but I decided it was best to Leave Drew Alone for a while.

Top Quote

“Gross,” Marina commented sagely. “You’re that couple. The ‘oh we just... you know, spent a few weeks drifting around Sinnoh, on a whim. No big deal. We’re so in love, look how gross and happy we are’.”

Part Four: Hoenn (2)

Dawn as main rival is best main rival; obviously. I wanted a differing ~main~ person for M&D to come up against as a collective in every section at first, so it would start with Marina and then Brendan and then Dawn, but all with very differing kinds of rivalries. But then when Brendan stopped being an antagonist, and Karen and Matthew became the bulk of the issue in Sinnoh, much reevaluation happened and I wanted to talk about Drew’s relationship with Harley, so once M&D were together I wanted them to have their own conflicts as individuals and seperate battles to fight, and not lose them to some unified being that lost both of their personalities. I always wanted to have conflict between May and Norman, and definitely May and Solidad as well (again, p4) but once I figured out the Anti-Ikarishipping subplot and the difficulties I wanted Drew to have in that contest season, it made sense to pit him against Paul and Harley in different ways. Harley was a very aggressive rivalry and full of a lot of hurt on both sides, but with Paul I wanted it to be very passive. He was like a figure head for everything Drew had struggled with, and Dawn’s issue with Paul was supposed to mirror what could have happened with May and Drew if it had all gone Wrong.

cookieshipping was OBVIOUSLY going to be a part of this.

I desperately wanted some kind of conflict between Soledad and May, and originally it was going to be more around Soledad’s battling lul and her blaming May for that, and then also blaming her for Drew’s lul, and then all these negative feelings just sort of consuming her and snapping her, and while that doesn’t happen there’s an undercurrent of frustration that May caught her up and makes her a little dismissive but not to the point where she won’t prioritise her and Drew being happy? I guess. I like that their conflict ends up being nothing about coordinating, and nothing about their actual friendship, because they’re two very non-confrontational people, but two very emotionally intelligent people also, so their conflict all stems from an inability to agree with how Drew should process and how much they each individually care about him. Soledad dismissing May as overreacting felt natural because I felt May DID overreact while I was writing it, and with all the grand festival pressure I wanted that. Sometimes I wish I could rewrite it and make the underlying tensions a little clearer, because a lot of that is lost in the actual writing and it doesn’t come through the way I wanted it to, and it makes them all a little petty, but it can’t be helped now. (AKA: my biggest regret.)

I got a lot of people calling me out on the fact May and Drew had sex. in general, I feel like this chapter was both the weakest and the strongest in different ways, depending on what you’re looking for. I knew from the MOMENT I knew the plot that they needed to have that part of their relationship aired, because it’s such a natural and caring part of a lot of relationships and it didn’t seem right that they were becoming so emotionally firm and absolute with each other but were completely limited to little pecks on the cheek - it felt wrong with their characters when they’ve always been - even in the canon - so drawn to one another in a way that would so easily build to that, in the most respectful and caring of ways. anyway I wanted it to parallel their communication, so the more openly they talked with each other, the more physical they would be, in both mannerisms and in eventual actions. (I kept the scene PG so it’s all fine, I guess.)

I’ve gotten a few messages I’ve never publicly responded to about May and Norman and their relationship and where it comes from so here’s my official answer. : no. you’re wrong. it’s not me and my dad. congrats sherlock. I based it off moments in the ruby/sapphire game and the way May responds to him in the anime. Now, the relationship between them in An Adventurer is quite different, and I’ll cop to a part of that being my exploring my relationship with my dad. But it’s mostly manga references and a little bit of lingering tension from an unresolved relationship in DTF.

May and Dawn’s fight was the MOST FUN to write, and when I got to the last of Dawn’s pokemon I was legitimately like “okay so how many pokemon has she got left” and I was STUNNED because there were none, so I wrote that reaction into May’s numb-post-win feel.

The Elite Four part? mmmmmmmm. can’t possibly comment. maybe i’ll explain in the sequel. (COMING THIS SUMMER) *maybe* ((((oh god let me graduate)))))