#I’m gonna kill all of you /silly
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So I’ve been cleaning out/organizing my inbox, and I think my brain must have blocked out this question because I have no memory of it. I want to go back /silly
#dbhc#dbhc sillies#my sona#the shepherd#dbhc ask#‘’is thirium delicious’’ I DONT KNOW. I WILL NOT ENTERTAIN THIS THOUGHT /SILLY#WHO OUT HERE DRINKING THIRIUM????#I’m gonna kill all of you /silly#ask#nekodere07
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the martin antis working so hard to make waves is so funny. like, you are very much allowed to like/dislike any character you please! but making it your whole personality or acting like you’re cooler for it is a little bit silly. you are not morally or intellectually superior for hating on a fiction character.
not to mention all of the characters in tma are very nuanced and complicated, just like real people (!), and erasing all of that to serve a certain narrative is a complete disservice to the entire body of work. jon and martin’s relationship was never meant to be easy, they first and foremost worked closely together as boss/employee, and in a workplace that was actively putting them in dangerous and horrible situations. the whole point is that they’re both super fucked up but they have each other anyway. they both have flaws, they both have gone through a great deal both with and without each other, but they found love anyway. the idea that the dynamic change in s5 is due to martin just being this villain is so wild? like he’s not a doormat anymore but he also loves jon so fiercely and stands by him over and over again?
jon hated him, jon ignored him, was verbally horrible to him again and again, literally sent him on a dangerous investigation and said if anyone had to die might as well be him, jon accused him of murder, screamed at him, jon was on the run, jon died. martin was his number one defender through everything, even when honestly? he didn’t do a lot to prove he deserved it. but martin was strong in his loyalty and did his best to be a supporter anyway. he picked up extra work, he thought of him kindly when no one else did, he mourned him, and he put himself directly in the line of fire for jon. for everyone, yes, but especially for jon, he says that. because after everything, protecting jon is still his number one priority.
it’s so important to his character that he isn’t s1 martin anymore—that he learns to be a real person who has thoughts and feelings and a backbone. jon wanted that, and does it not say something that they don’t work out until martin learns to have a little bite? there’s a difference between being a real complicated traumatized human person, and just straight up being evil, or an asshole. jon had to learn how to be a lot of softer things but martin had to learn how to square his shoulders and stick out his chin. they had different arcs, and that doesn’t make either of them inherently evil or bad. it makes them real and not perfect and very multilayered, yeah.
martin didn’t handle every choice or action perfectly, he made a lot of mistakes, and he never claims to be the best person ever. but jon also fucked up, a lot. it isn’t a competition or a comparison, that’s really not how that works. but they work because of their flaws. that’s a big part of them fitting together. martin represented the humanity they were saving, with all his good and bad. jon was well beyond that, and while that doesn’t inherently compromise his character, it does mean he’s viewed in a much different light.
(meaning i think jon’s sins are seen very very different to martin’s.) (to be clear i think both deserve to be looked at critically, but hating either of them devoutly seems sort of silly.)
i’m not sure how you can listen to tma and all the ways it dissects and reflects on humanity and turn around and run blogs or make posts in the fandom about how you hate one of the main characters for being all of that.
jon never would’ve made it through without martin, even if martin wasn’t the key to everything, he was the reason to push through and not give up. martin is why jon didn’t go full monster mode, why he held onto who he was and his humanity, even with the whole ‘kill bill’ thing. martin gave him a reason to keep going, to try, to care so deeply. obviously there were other factors but jon says it himself, martin you are my reason.
if you can’t handle the fact that martin isn’t a grade a soft boy by the end of the show that’s a lot more about you than it is about him. he grew and maybe not always for the better but he could be a real person for jon instead of some kind of mirror or blank slate to be reflected on. i genuinely don’t understand how he can be misunderstood so deeply.
they’re both fucked up ! and if they are alive Somewhere Else you bet your ass they’re having long talks and going to therapy and fighting and making up and pacing the floors and figuring it all out together. it isn’t clean or easy or necessarily enjoyable all the time, but humanity isn’t either, love isn’t either. they went through unimaginable trauma, and expecting either of them to be holding it together any better than they already are is wild. context, it’s important. but let’s not turn multi-dimensional characters into flat one word answers.
it’s very human to like and dislike, love and hate based off of bias and experiences and perspective. but also opinion does not make fact. everything is relative, everything is subjective, everything everything everything. it’s an open discussion yada yada idk i’m just screaming into the wall about all the nonsense.
and beyond all of that, discourse is so useless. criticism and constructive conversations are really really important but discourse is pointless! oh you ship these people? well that inherently threatens my ship! oh you like this character that i hate? well that makes me feel invalid for hating them. like what you like, hate what you hate, have your feelings. but if you post shit on the internet you will get people who disagree, sorry, that’s how it is. partaking in little arguments over who is right or wrong when it doesn’t actually have to do with anything harmful or unhealthy makes no sense though. posting on the internet about all the hate you have in your heart when the world is already so full of it doesn’t actually do anything but add more bad to an already very large pile of bad.
things can be discussions not arguments sometimes, i promise. it’s not always tooth and nail, and let’s not forget, most of it is over things that never need to be fought over.
#i’m drunk forgive me for my rambles#drunk rambles#tma#the magnus archives#jonmartin#i’m saying what’s been said a million times#jmart#jonathan sims#martin blackwood#rant post#discourse is gonna kill us all#why are you guys arguing about ships#and people#and like silly things that don’t need to be argued about#and why are you posting about all of that hate#is that what we need more of?#i’m just adding fuel to the fire here#but i’m bashing my head against the floor anyway
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why do you hate Joshua Graham or Honest Hearts so much?
This DLC and character represents a bigger issue with fandom spaces I have but particularly fallout fandom in general.
Fallout tends to tackle a lot of topics controversial and not. The first two games it’s heavy cause they are the most satirical and direct with how anti-war, nationalism and etc… they are. 3 loses this as it’s very clear once you play or learn about all the games that Todd and a bunch of guys at Bethesda just liked the 50s post apocalyptic aesthetic and refuse to actually critique the ideals of the time period like the earlier titles.
New Vegas is the game that really gets back into it a degree it almost seems like it’s taking too much on. There are things done exceedingly well while other things are done horribly wrong . I’ve made posts about it before and plan to make a big series of posts (it’s a lot of writing) but my biggest gripe is with Honest Hearts and all the gross and white savior esque depictions it has of indigenous peoples. The entirety if FNV does not do the injustices faced by indigenous people correctly on any count. My two biggest complaints are with the Khans and the tribes in Zion but I’ll talk about the former on a different post.
Both characters of Daniel and Joshua are the most accurate depiction of white saviors I’ve seen and I hate how the DLC tries to justify and defend them. The DLC treats Joshua like this man who has repented for his past actions when he is just retracing his steps after his cruelty bit him in the ass. He was one of the worst parts of the Legion and it is all but explicitly stated that if you don’t force him to be non-violent he will turn the tribes of Zion into the legion 2.0. The Dead Horses and the Sorrows are horribly infantilized by both Daniel and Joshua who both use them for self serving purposes guised by religious duty. The White Legs are the horrible stereotype of violent and savage indigenous and I personally think a lot of their interlinking with Ulysses, his hair and Ulysses character in general are distasteful and very telling of how BIPOC or POC where involved.
But outside of the game it’s the weird obsession people have with these characters ideologies and trying to make them seem more interesting/philosophical than they are. Tumblr is an echo chamber and many fans of Fallout are not the people on this site. Many people are not educated in the issues these characters convey and how poorly they do or used these characters as a poor introduction for their takes. Contrary to what a lot of people believe in, fallout has a prediomeny white cis male fanbase. More importantly a large portion of the fanbase is white.
You can joke how FNV made you trans or see the numbers on post/fics or diverse headcanons but these are kiddy numbers compared to the millions that consume the franchise and aren’t in those more aware spaces or don’t engage in the spaces the same way someone like me does/has to. Their views shape a lot more than people realize and it’s exhausting to be in a space where people don’t correct the more subtle yet toxic aspects of it but also adopt them into some weird quirky view point on the characters or issues. Some people don’t realize and some people don’t care.
My main issue is just the idolizing of these sort of thing in this fandom space and people try to acts like a game like fallout whose tagline is “War never changes” and has never had a game not revolve around political or militaristic factions issues isn’t that deep or doesn’t relate to real issues. I think it’s mainly caused by how over powered you can become and how you can strong arm your way past these learning moments as majority of people who play this game do play it as a power fantasy where they can do so as they please (which of course, go ahead it’s fun) but never take in parallels or lessons in the story as if it was just another first person shooter.
Also like another personal gripe is Cazadores spawn like hell whenever I’m there and I have not found a mod that works to mod them out so I have to play Indigenous Racism the DLC while getting jumped by giant wasps WHILE helping Mormons. Like I cannot catch a break.
#I’m mostly silly or character headcanon focused on this blog#but sometimes I forget some people literally have never interacted with someone slightly outside of their ideologies or don’t learn about#philosophies that don’t pertain to their view point and actively block them out#and so I have like a meltdown and occasionally post about it cause like I see more people hate Danse for regurgitating BoS teachings than#hate Joshua Graham who helped found the legion participated in their practices and still has this weird bloodlust#like make it make sense why do you like this white man genuinly like outside of his aesthetic#I can say silly shit about them hit it’s always I think it’s surreal they even exist while others genuinely wish they did so they could fix#them and some of all don’t realize how quickly jokes lead people down rabbit holes and pipe lines cause ur not gonna see posts even pitying#that man in here#like when I defend Danse it is through the signs and events in game that show he is not stuck in his ways and possibly only adopted those#beliefs because of his tramatic events with super mutants and the bos being very anti anything not human#their are affinity reaction that concern this while Joshua like moans yes when killing the white legs and is always polishing his gun goon#pile like I’ve learned too much about him the Mormon faith and that dlc to be told I’m playing favorites he is not fixable or repentent#this fandom has one of the worst issues of he’s my fave so he can’t do wrong when some of this characters are literal unapologetic rapist#racists or individuals who condone or perpetuate like ideas and concepts like obviously I’m gonna not like them????!#like I still think it’s interest to dissect them and I try so hard to not be a hypocrite but sometimes it’s like the whole this is just a#fun thing for you but like be aware of what you are taking in and reflect like is so important fiction can slowly seep into your morals#I’m rambling and losing track of shit so imma stop here before I reach the tag limit but again dm and ask cause this is the stuff I will#blab about#horrible at normal conversation tho#fallout#fallout new vegas#joshua graham#honest hearts#ask#anon#fallout 3
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Barok angst for thought let me know if I’m cooking with this
MAJOR CASE 2-4/5 SPOILERS BELOE
Barok’s trauma resurfacing in 2-3 not bc his friend is on trial and he’s afraid of losing someone again, but bc maybe once again a trusted friend murdered someone.
At no point do I believe Barok actually thought Albert did it, but the mind can be a very annoying thing and invasive thoughts are a BITCH.
So maybe as Barok is preparing for the trial, Genshin Asogi flashes in his mind for a brief moment. A friend he thought he could trust, that he knew and respected, killed someone.
And not to add in my own headcanon of the timeline of events buuuut… We’re not sure EXACTLY when Barok discovered Genshin killed Klint, but I like to think Barok took Stronghart’s place as prosecutor during that trial not only to bring justice to Klint’s killer but also to help clear Genshin. Just like he does for Albert. But as the trial continued, the facts and evidence just continued to pile up until the truth came out that Genshin really DID kill Klint.
Can you imagine the devastation? The despair slowly closing in on Barok as the possibility of the man who saved his life, who risked his life in honor of Barok’s brother, turned out to be the killer of said brother.
And then, 10 years later, another close friend is put on trial for murder. Burdened with betrayal, I don’t think it’s unfair to say Barok had a small pit in his stomach. Maybe even during 2-3’s trial the thought of “will this take the same turn as last time?” ever so quickly leaves his mind as it arrives.
#barok van zieks#ace attorney#the great ace attorney#tgaa#dgs#albert harebrayne#genshin asogi#klint van zieks#YALL SEE THE VISION RIGHT????#god I love all the ways this man is traumatized and broken inside#it’s rather silly to think a man like Albert could commit murder but that’s also kind of the point#Barok highly trusted and respected Genshin so I doubt Barok though Genshin would kill a man#much less Klint who Genshin also had high respect for#so I think it makes sense if those anxious thoughts occur#I loving thinking about Barok <3#I’m currently rewatching all of TGAA and I’m on 2-4 rn where Barok is explaining his history with Genshin#FUCKING CUT ME IN THE GUT when Genshin shielded Barok bc he was like#‘Klint would never forgive me if I let you get hurt’#HE SAYS AS IF HE DIDNT KILL THE MAN A DAY OR TWO BEFOREHAND#THE FKING TROPE OF ‘person must kill a person they trust and highly admire’ STRIKES AGAIN IM GONNA VOMIT
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DOODLE TIME
Ft. wip of a murder drone oc and also Nori and Cyn. The sillies-
And Venus! Sorta gore? I think I’ll tag it anyway because Nori is here.
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Anyway yea that’s it that’s the post.
GOODBYE-
#yea I drew nori because today was#dronetober#day 2#so there’s that..#YOU DONT KNOW ME AUGH- BYE#cyn is so silly#that’s Venus when there’s no one inside and she’s rotting alone.#no that’s not gonna happen in the fic..#Abálle with alastor because heck it#(yes that was after he killed her plant)#I have another sketch of her but idk man I don’t really like it#but I mean all of these are sketches anyway..#so yea my fandoms!#I would’ve added a bill cipher doodle note#but uh.. my dog ate it?#that was fun to find#anyway time for the actual tags.#artists on tumblr#murder drones#murder drones oc#md oc art#murder drones cyn#nori doorman#nori murder drones#fnaf dca oc#hazbin original character#hazbin alastor#(I know it’s just his backside and f-ass bob but I’m still tagging him.)#md oc yet to be named. but she’s probably gonna be V or P. no she’s not a self insert… ofc not..#tw: gore
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youtube
yOu'Re gOiNg fOr a LiTeR? | "Habs react to Quebec Maple facts", 10.22.24
#guys this is not becoming a regular thing this is just the mental illinois breaking through but ALSO I SAW THIS AND SCREAMEDDDDD#they did this For Me. those are all my guys. like yes yes we know about xhekovský but that’s my adopted austrian son david reinbacher!!!#that’s my baby goalie carey price time travel cowboy son cayden primeau!!!! and i just LOVE that they were like#‘yeah so one of them is gonna be a bitch in both pairs. & yeah we’re gonna make them lose.’ & i am HERE for it. you know the media day vid#where they asked all of them who was brat on the team and like 75% said slaf which we all KNEW? yes. correct. even more evidence godddd#also empathize so much with him because i hate feeling stupid & he is notably like. a very smart guy w/good awareness of broader society#and sorry to get like this on a silly little post i’m about to fanfiction-ify before i have xhekovský hours but so much of this goes back#to the xenophobia in the nhl and how we treat players (not only that. people in north am/west tbh) whose first language is not english#and degrade/discredit them and their intelligence by virtue of their multilingualism and how we even think about multilingualism as a whole#e.g. the sense that certain languages are perceived as more ‘valuable’ capital/the support that SHOULD be there for language learning simpl#is not from what i can tell in the nhl so even if you wanted to foster an environment of intercultural competency they’re doing nothing to#support it. the stories!! of so many guys! reliant solely upon their teammates for basic necessities! WHERE is your language acquisition#programming. sorry the linguistics language and culture attempted to jump out there & i am not conveying what i want to say at ALL. anyway#juraj's slow descent into madness as u can SEE him visibly getting more & more over it & done is my roman empire. like he's having fun#at first he's laughing 'what is this whiskey?' & i AM thinking that toothy little grin at arber with the jerkoff hand motion about the mapl#syrup only taking a few minutes to come (out) was a dig. lord knows arber deserved it with his shorts pulled all the way up like GOD the me#you put here to wear slutty little 3" shorts live in cold CANADA and have to cover up their thigh tattoos. what a travesty. and the amount#of THIGH in this video i- biting. arber's hairy legs slaf's manspreading more as he gets frustrated & arber teases him i. and DAVID????#on a completely different note cayden with his face covered is giving me INTENSE brainworms i have the most unhinged storylines for him#AND THE BRYNDZOVE HALUSKYYYY everything past 2:00 is gold. david's tired sighs. slaf hating it here. arber having the time of his life#'taste' 'that's not an advantage' DAVID kill him. 'maple syrup specialist... normal guy 🤷' slaf you are the WORST loser and ily for it#arber defending his wife w/his life... juraj's the smartest guy in the room & arber's on his leash about it. it goes both ways (to be cont)#juraj slafkovský#arber xhekaj#david reinbacher#cayden primeau#montreal canadiens#i'm xhekovský posting leave me alone i'm also *****
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i see the word strawberry black out and tag you it's like muscle memory but gay on gay violence
it Is gay on gay violence :((
#camera asks#I’m gonna tell moo on you </3 she won’t support me bc they also like strawberries but#I have no defense either I can only tag you in soup things but you Like that </33#guys help the mutuals (waltz) keeps tagging me in strawberry things. what if strawberries killed my mom waltz#what if that’s why i hate them :(#all /silly lol I find the strawberry posts quite funny
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I just want to let you know that I am obsessed with the reverse AU where Claudia is the adult and loustat are the teens in the family. It's such an interesting idea and loustat look so cute in your art! Thank you for making it
Thank you so so much, I’ve very glad you enjoy both the idea and the sketches for it!!! I gotta admit I’m kinda obsessed with it too, I would LOOOOOVE to read some fics exploring this new, very different dynamic! And, like, it obviously changes the plot as drastically as everything else, but wouldn’t it be interesting to try and keep certain key moments unchanged somehow (but reversed), and then how would it end ultimately? The same horrible way for the boys that it ended for Claudia? THE ANGST POTENTIAL. But in a different fic I literally just want to see a much better functioning (because Claudia’s running things) (though it still would not be totally healthy…) vamp fam taking Paris by storm, stealing Armand’s theatre (would he still even have it, without Lestat in the picture??? see so much stuff to explore!) and enjoying life being two proud vamps + one still a bit on the fence about it all, but at least his family loves him and lets him read quietly in the back row.
Anyway, sorry for this essay, as you can clearly see, I’m also quite fond of this au, so 1. might draw for it again, nobody be surprised! 2. if you have fics with this idea — gimme gimme gimme those links, I’m very curious!!
#this is so unnecessarily long all I had to say was ‘thanks lovely anon’ but I have FEELINGS and THOUGHTS ughhhh#the whole charlie situation?!???!!? my silly head is full of ideas unfortunately for everybody (myself included because ouch it hurts)#we literally have the perfect moment for them to realise ‘OH NO I’M QUITE FUCKED’ but now you have two people in the same boat and you can#contrast their situations/realisations/ways of coming to terms with reality of their circumstances#because it obv wouldn’t just be the charlie disaster 2.0 it would look different for each of them#great way to include nicki and make it fucking HURT man/contrast it with jonah who at least stays alive but plays his role in delivering th#message ‘you’re gonna be forever 14’ to Louis… bonus points if you sneak in a line that he STILL IS actually a bit younger than Louis#it’s just that he gets to grow up into a ‘real man’ que the crisis of identity… meanwhile lestat’s too busy being wild and self-destructive#because his first love just killed himself AND because his own realizations are running after him biting his heels…#Claudia is starting to really regret wanting any children at all me thinks…#also I’m sorry for getting a bit dark when you specifically said you enjoyed the cuteness anon#you’re obv free to completely ignore my mad ramblings#interview with the vampire#iwtv#asks#cw: suicide mention
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MULTIMUSE QUESTIONAIRE
Tagging: @infernalight, @infernal-feminae, @heartsofhell, @questionablemuses, @because-i-simp, @frostworkxfiction, @deepspacevivarium, @hotelbitches, @voxiiferous
RULES: Answer the questions with the Muses that would best fit the answers. Bonus if you give details why. If tagged, copy and paste into a new post – DO NOT REBLOG!
1) Rank your softest Muse and your toughest Muse. (Personality-wise)
My softest muse is definitely Vick. He's a 0 on the toughness scale, he's a big teddy bear and he will choose kindness over anything else at any point.
My toughest muse is probably Barbie. Girl is tough as nails and will not be stopped if she puts her mind to something. She doesn't take pain as a reason to stop and will go harder when it hurts.
2) Which Muse would blow through $1000 quickly?
Valentino, hands down. He spends $1,000 every day easily on things he doesn't even need. He loves to buy expensive things and will do so at all hours. He especially loves spending Vox's money. $1,000 is a drop in the bucket for him and he doesn't even notice spending it.
3) Do any of them have nicknames? Is there a meaning behind them?
Quite a few of them do!
Valentino answers to Bunny from his lovers, it's a subspace trigger word for him. I assigned him Bunny because he's Cute And Horny, aka a rabbit, and a bunny sub is fairly common.
4) Are any of them up-to-speed on the latest trends? Anyone more old school?
Velvette, Vox, and Valentino are obsessed with always being on top of the next new thing.
Alastor hates new things and will fight them as much as he can.
5) Who has the best relationship with their siblings?
Valentino had a fairly good relationship with his siblings when he was alive. He had seven of them, plus three live-in cousins that were like his siblings.
6) Karaoke night! Who is likely to grab the mic first and bust out a tune?
Beelzebub, Ozzie, Valentino, and Ostello! They all love to sing and party, and they're all pretty good at it. Ostello was a pop-jazz singer when he was alive and before he died in Hell, too!
7) Who is least likely to enter a beauty pageant/model?
Gretchen. She doesn't think that she's very pretty, and would just feel embarrassed even going to watch.
Travis. He is constantly told he's very ugly, and he doesn't have a very high opinion of his looks.
8) If your Muses visited a haunted house where actors scare you, who would panic and who would be unfazed?
Chazz, Gretchen, Charlie, Anya, Magpie, Summer, Travis, and Vick would be the easiest to scare!
Valore, Dimas, Cash, Glitz, Stu, Paimon, Alastor, Darío, Niffty, and Vox would be the hardest to phase.
9) Are any of your Muses particular about taking certain modes of transportation?
Vox prefers to be driven around and doesn't like driving himself.
Valentino only likes to drive occasionally and prefers pretty sports cars when he does.
Anya and Darío are motorcycle people.
Emily enjoys bicycles!
10) Share a little-known fact about any Muse.
Adam is actually a very good father and he loves kids and babies. He is very tender with children even if he can be harder on them once they have grown into adults.
#HEADCANONS ➽➽➽#Reciting Violence Like Poetry (α∂αм)#I’ve Found A Rainbow A Rainbow Baby Trust Me I Know Life Is Scary (ємιℓу)#I’m Standing In The Face Of All That My Story Holds In Its Wake (ναℓσяє)#What We Loved Today We’ll Lose Tomorrow But I Won’t Need To Wait For My Share Of Sorrow Because I Always Kill The Things I Love (∂ιмαѕ)#Who Needs Pepsi Juice Or Sprite? If You Do You’re Weak That’s Right (вαявιє)#I’m Gonna Take Their Hearts For Ransom ‘Cause Everybody’s Always Askin’ When You Gonna Show Us Magnum? (¢нαzz)#Money Can’t Buy Happiness But It Can Rent You Paradise (gℓιтz)#We Put Her Down In A Shallow Grave She Wears A Dress Like A Body Bag Everyday (gяєт¢нєи)#Everyone’s A Winner We’re Makin’ Our Fame Bona Fide Hustler Making My Name (ѕтυ)#Try Not To Move So Fast You Know Dessert Comes Last! (вєєℓzє��υв)#You Can Fool Yourself I Promise It Will Help Every Single Day I Just Wanna Hear You Say I’m So Lucky Lucky I’m So Lovely Lovely (¢нαяℓιє)#Define Your Meaning Of War To Me It’s What We Do When We’re Bored (ραιмσи)#If You End Up On My Table Then It Serves You Right (αℓαѕтσя)#Know I’m All Bite No Bark Like To Catch You Way Off Guard (αиуα)#Take Just One Last Dare Pretend That You Don’t Care (ℓєgισи∂αяισ)#Your Magic White Rabbit Your White Room Straight Jacket (мαgριє)#He Ran Into My Knife He Ran Into My Knife Ten Times (иιfту)#I Love You Oh So Madly But I Don’t Stand A Ghost Of A Chance With You (σѕтєℓℓσ)#Come Come Kitty Kitty You’re So Silly Silly Don’t Go Kitty Kitty Play With Me (ѕυммєя)#Don’t Be Goofy Bring Some Passion To The Table (тяανιѕ)#And If You Get In My Face Then You’ll Get A Taste Even God Would Run Son (ναℓєитιиσ)#Hollywood Made A Killing Machine She’s Like A Teenage Slaughter Movie Scene A Serial Killer Celebrity (νєℓνєттє)#Red Eyes In The Digital Paradise (νι¢к)#Let’s Stop Saying “Don’t Quote Me” Because If No One Quotes You You Probably Haven’t Said A Thing Worth Saying (νσχ)
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feeling very scared and alone in the club tonight
#crying alone in a hospital gown outside the OR earlier was a very humbling experience for me tbh#idk what I did to piss you off God but can you please just kill me instead in Jesus’ name I pray amen#all my irls and my online friends are either asleep or at work or school so I’m just#here kinda#and I’m so anxious I feel like I’m too much and ppl are just constantly silently begging for me to stop texting/talking to them#propofol ain’t helpin LMAOOO but at least I managed to prevent myself from sending poorly written annoying ass love professions this time#huge apologies to anyone I’ve ever loved for real#gonna try and sleep now I guess#we stay silly tho I promise#☁️
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whennnnn did victor actually start killing people i have got to know. was it before or after gus found him. hello.
#gray.txt#he definitely seemed super comfortable with it in bcs so.#plus he was the main one chosen for like shooting and killing people (arturo. injuring ignacio. him and tyrus originally gonna kill werner#b4 mike decided to. victor being the one apart of the original ignacio death plan. etc.)#so it’s obvious that gus knew he was… good at that?#can’t lie i’m leaning towards before gus purely bc of the way jeremiah talks abt victor still being a bit new to the whole thing in bcs#and like. how often would gus be sending his ass to war enough for him to be desensitized. all while being new.#so. makes sense for it to be before i guess.#though i fucking love the idea of um. victor lying a little bit and telling gus he’s had experience in the past and acting all desensitized#in the beginning just so he could make a good impression and so that gus would take him more seriously#you know what i mean? that’s a fun one.#though either way i definitely think overall? by the time he showed his ass in bcs he did not give a single shit abt killing. lol#like okayyyyy mr ‘do it quick before you pass out’. okay mr almost killed that motherfucker cause you felt silly and shot him again.#< IM SAYING THIS OUT OF LOVE I LOVE HIM.#anyway this is my attempt at a lighthearted post after thinking abt victor so hard i almost threw up.
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Tip to all the unborn out there: in the character creator don’t choose a widow’s peak it’s so mid bro. Just get a normal hairline don’t be a little emo goth baby and jump at the name alr?
#it’s genuinely so annoying#my hair don’t fall like it’s supposed to and the part it defaults to is either ALL the way up there straight down the middle or sides#I’m biting it so hard#like I suppose it’d look good if I pulled my hair back and had no bangs but#my hair’s so thick it’s like I can’t *not* have bangs#and I cannot be assed to grow it out I don’t want it in my eyes again#maybe I’ll love it in future when I’m no longer giving ‘goofy little silly boy’#when I wanna give off ‘strong I’m gonna fucking kill you man’ energy maybe I’ll love it#oooo I could Silco it#so tired of having a round face too#fuck that too tbh#like stop it I look like a newborn baby boy#who the fuck would want that?#not me!#i wanna not be small looking
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This is such a movie !!!!!! I’m obsessed. I love it all.🤩🤩🤭🤭🩷🩷
Pucking Rookie II
Read Pucking Rookie here | ~8k words
From me: sloooooowwwwww burrrrrrrnnnnnnnn
Warnings: angsty, fluffy, douchey ex-boyfriend, a little violent
Summary: Harry is one of the most annoying people she's ever met. It's unfair he's talented, hot, and way nicer than her ex.
“So getting to the side of the ice before the puck is there is offsides?” Marc asked.
She nodded watching the Warriors center faceoff against the Bears on her TV screen. They were in the third period with only five minutes to go and the defenseman from the Bears was in the penalty box for a foul against the center. She thought it was a death sentence. “Correct.”
“They have that in other sports,” he sounded like a child remembering a fact from preschool. She smirked.
“Yes,” she laughed. “Are you sure you want to date this guy?”
“I want to date his dick,” Marc shrugged. She snorted and shook her head.
“Fair enough.”
Her phone lit with a message from Kael. He wanted to see her when she was in town with The Chargers. It was the last thing she wanted to do, but it would have been nice to get some of her stuff back. If he kept it.
“Are you speaking to Harry again?” Marc asked.
It was impossible to keep the smile from growing on her face. She rubbed a hand over her mouth to hide it. “Yeah...” she nodded. “It’s kind of hard not to talk to anyone on the team.”
“The fact you went a whole week without talking to that hot as hell man is beyond me. You’re a better woman than me.”
She snorted. They were coming down to the final two minutes and the goalie skated to the bench and another player glided across the ice. “So, when the team is down by a goal or two, they send the goalie off the ice so they can get another scorer in position. But it leaves the goal open. It’s risky.”
“You are seriously doing that team a disservice by not dating them,” he murmured. “If I was into women I wouldn’t let you out in public. You’re so perfect.”
She laughed. “I am not perfect.”
“Babe, you are stunning, you know hockey, and you make the best cookies I’ve ever tasted.”
“It’s not enough,” she told him sipping her water and standing up. But sure enough, The Warriors scored without their goalie in the next. She had to get to the rink for the night game. She smirked, wiggled eyebrows at Marc, and turned off her TV.
“You should bet money on these things.”
She put on her regular outfit for a night of taking pictures at the rink. Her hands had to be free (and yes, they would freeze) but she wore a thick sweatshirt below the jersey. It had Niall’s name on the back. She figured he was the least likely to make a big deal of wearing someone’s name on her back. She honestly hoped no one noticed that she picked it. She didn’t want to make it seem like she had a favorite on the team. Because she didn’t. And it definitely wasn’t Harry Styles.
Truthfully, she stole Niall’s old jersey out of the bin in the locker room. It got ripped in a game where someone got a little too irritated with Niall’s good goal tending. There was a significant tear along the seam because Harry was the first one to get to Niall when the incident occurred. Harry accidentally tore at it while trying to get his hands on the opponent and wound up in the penalty box for two minutes because of it.
She spent part of the following evening sewing it carefully back together while watching a movie on Netflix.
Once her winter boots were on, she slipped her camera bag and press pass over her shoulder and neck respectively. She was ready for the evening. Marc walked her down to her car. They both waved at Michael who was pacing outside while smoking a cigarette. “Hey Sweetheart,” he called. Michael was about five years younger than her and way too grumpy for his own good. But he often perked up on her behalf. “Good luck to the team.”
“Thanks!” She smiled as if she had any responsibility for how well they did.
Marc made sure she got in the car safely and winced when her car took two turns to start because of the cold. Once assured her car would remain running, Marc went to Michael’s side and bummed a cigarette from him as she pulled out of the lot in front of the building. What a weird little family she was creating in a weird part of town.
Her car seemed angry that it was being asked to do its job, and she worried that one day it was going to die on her way there. If it did, she was nervous it would be a thing and Uncle Charlie would be pissed. She could see it now. But instead, she listened to her music, stopped to splurge for a coffee made by someone else, and headed to the rink.
At the very least, she was happier than she had been in a very long time. There was no weight around her worrying she wasn’t the perfect girlfriend, the perfect arm candy for her hockey boyfriend. She didn’t worry about looking weird or awkward. She felt more like herself behind the lens, at the rink, and at The Locker Room, and at her apartment with her new friends than she had in years.
Maybe she didn’t need any of her stuff back from Kael. If she never spoke to him again, then she would be okay.
*
“Niall you lucky motherfucker!” Asher yelled.
She wasn’t paying much attention as the boys finally arrived for their game. She was in the middle of a conversation with Uncle Charlie as she went over the pictures she was planning to submit to the news outlets, looking over the tiny screen in her hands. She showed off her non-athletic photography skills. This included the senior pictures she took of her cousin (Charlie’s daughter), and she told him which ones she thought were best. This naturally led to discussing the holidays. Her hope was he was willing to carpool to her parents’ house. It was selfish, mainly because she didn’t think her car would make it the three-hour drive out of the city. Not that she was going to tell him that.
But the boys interrupted before she could get that far. She turned, smiled brightly at her team of restless twenty-something-year-old puppies. She set her coffee on the ledge of the window of an office for one of the team assistants and gave the boys a proper wave. “Are you all ready for gameday?” She asked.
But no one was paying any attention to her greeting. Instead, their gazes were focused on the number on her body. The black-and-silver-lettering and logo was riveting it seemed even though it was on all their own jerseys as well.
So much for it not being a thing. “Sweetheart, I’m honored,” Niall chuckled. Were his cheeks pink in embarrassment? That was cute—he looked so nervous. Niall was adorable. She could see why Harry was so protective of him. In the time she had gotten to know him, she seriously didn’t know how someone so sweet and nice could be roped into a rough and tumble sport like hockey.
“What?” She asked curiously, hoping that if she acted confused, they wouldn’t make it a bigger deal than it needed to be.
It seemed there was little chance of such a thing. “You’re wearing my jersey,” his grin remained shy and so, so adorable.
Well, maybe she could use it to her advantage. “Well, don’t tell the others but you’re my favorite,” she winked.
But it wasn’t quiet and everyone heard it. The gasps and scoffs of disbelief echoed loudly as they entered the locker room to drop some of their stuff. First there would be game day entrance photos, the boys looking dressed in not quite formal but not so casual attire. The stuff that made hearts throb to look at them (and other organs throb if she was honest). They would pose as if they hadn’t already walked in, and no one would know except for them.
Niall turned a shade redder and headed in. “Don’t break my goalie,” Charlie warned.
“I would never break Niall!” She pouted petulantly at her uncle. “Why are they all up and arms about the jersey? It was free and I fixed it. Is it not allowed?”
He shook his head. “Don’t worry about it, Sweetheart,” he chuckled. “It’s just a dumb hockey-guy thing,” he patted her on the back and headed into the locker room.
“Harry’s running late,” Lang said as he returned with just a duffle bag and an overpriced water bottle that was part of his sponsorship deal. “Hit some traffic or something. So, you might not get his game day entrance,” he told her with a shrug.
She nodded. “That’s fine,” she shrugged and snapped a picture of him while he wasn’t really focused, testing the lighting and frame once more now that she had a subject. “There’s enough of you guys to suffice as eye candy for the day we probably won’t need everyone’s picture.”
Lang laughed, covering his mouth. “Sweetheart, please say that in front of Harry while I’m around and you’re wearing that jersey,” he begged. She frowned unsure what he meant by that specifically. Instead, she shook her head and began ordering the captain and his teammates around to get the first part of her evening’s tasks done.
*
Harry showed up just as she took the last shot of the team walking into the locker room. He was pouring the last bit of his protein shake into his mouth while she examined her camera once more and sipped her coffee that she left on the ledge of the window. There was so much more activity back by the locker room as game time approached. There were team doctors, athletic trainers, assistants, and more milling around.
Harry hated being late. It messed with his pre-game rituals. But there wasn’t anything he could do about traffic. Plus, Hayden lived on the exact opposite side of the city. He really shouldn’t have bothered with trying to sneak a quick hook-up in before the game. But he needed something to take the edge off and nothing was working.
Granted the hook-up left him feeling unsatisfied as well. Although it wasn’t Hayden’s fault. She was lovely, truly. It was all Harry’s brain. Something was off and he couldn’t quite place it.
But one look at the pretty photographer wearing the number thirty-one on her body reminded him that he was much more aware of the issue than he was willing to admit. He blinked hoping his eyes were mistaken. But no, the name Horan was on her back.
“Rookie!” He called.
What the fuck was he going to say? It didn’t even make sense for him to be mad. She didn’t do anything wrong. God, Harry was an idiot. She was off limits. For all he knew she had one of everyone’s jersey and was going to rotate through.
It was probably not a good sign that she looked up when she heard that nickname, right? It wasn’t good to get used to knowing it was Harry calling her the moment she heard his teasing. But right then, Harry didn’t look teasing. His gaze was laser-focused on her torso (and not the way she would expect him to be focused on her chest). “Hi Harry,” she smiled, sweetly; hoping vehemently that this wasn’t about the jersey. “Do you want a game day photo?” She asked gently holding her camera up.
“What the fuck are you wearing?” He snapped.
This hoping thing ain’t shit. She thought. Glancing down at her outfit once more, she frowned. “I thought I looked cute,” she pouted.
Harry was all but half a foot in front of her. “You’re wearing Niall’s jersey.”
“It’s from the locker room, it was going to get thrown out, so I just sewed it,” she shrugged. “Is that not allowed? No one said anything.”
He seemed to bristle but settled at the same time. She really didn’t get what the big deal was. “S’fine,” he grumbled. “Y’do look cute. You always look cute,” he rolled his eyes and pushed the locker room door open with a little too much power. She shook her head and heard laughter from behind the door.
“Boys are weird,” she sighed and headed for the tunnel to get to the ice.
*
She texted Michael from her car when she got back to the apartment at one in the morning. It was dark, cold, and she had a weird feeling as she pulled into the small lot. He hurried out yawning as he did. He was wearing only shorts, a t-shirt, and slippers. “Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you,” she frowned and hurried to the front of the building. He waited patiently for her to lock her car.
“S’fine, Sweetheart,” he shrugged and yawned.
“Thank you,” she said gratefully. She really needed to find a new place, so she didn’t have to bother them. But she swore she could feel someone’s eyes following her as she closed the entry door to her building. Michael headed down the first-floor hall to his place without another word. She stopped at her small little mailbox, locked on the inside. Only a slit in the wall from the outside to get in. It was all junk and bills. She didn’t give her address to anyone. Not even Uncle Charlie had her real address. She mentioned some apartment complex on the good side of town. But when pressed, she immediately diverted and asked if he would be okay with shipping her Amazon packages to his house. It did the trick, fortunately. Her parents didn’t think much of it either because they knew Charlie was keeping an eye on her.
It was all she could afford after not working much because of Kael and his weird obsession with making sure she played the proper part of picture-perfect hockey girlfriend. This was a sketchy part of town, and she knew it and didn’t like living here either. But what could she really do? Making friends with Michael and Marc was easy and she was lucky. So very lucky to have people keep an eye out for her when she got home late and felt like she was being followed.
So, when she turned to the stairwell behind the little mail room and saw the very angry hockey player outside the door of her building peering through the glass, she practically jumped back a foot and immediately and nearly screamed.
She clamped a hand over her mouth and pressed the other one to her heart, dropping her mail in the process. “What the fuck are you doing?!” She whisper-screamed opening the door.
“What the fuck are you doing here?” Harry hissed stepping inside. He gathered up her mail handing it to her. He continued glaring as he took in the run-down place. “Do you live here?”
“Yes!”
“Rookie, this is not a safe area. Why are y’living here?”
“Because I can afford it? What kind of fucking question is that?”
Harry looked so good having just played a grueling game that included overtime and a shootout. His hair was still damp from his shower. His face glowing that way he managed to do in the dead of winter that was so unfair to her. He smelled good—too good. He wore a black hoodie, black pants, and black sneakers. Like he was trying to blend in with the night. The only not good-looking thing about him at the moment was the sour expression on his otherwise extremely pretty features. The furrow between his eyebrows looked angry. The green of his eyes appeared darker, almost black to match his clothes. His mouth was pressed in a flat line.
But even angry, Harry looked hot. He had been angry all evening. Since he set foot in the arena. He didn’t relax when they all went to The Locker Room either. He hardly spoke to Niall and barely acknowledged his good goal tending. “Does coach know you live here?”
She shook her head. “Harry, shut the fuck up. Why did you follow me home like a creep!?”
“Because s’one in the morning and y’said y’were exhausted and that your car was a piece of shit! I was making sure y’made it home. I didn’t know home was even scarier!”
“Hey babe, everything alright? Michael texted you would be on your way up and to keep an ear out.” Marc called as he approached them descending the stairs.
“Oh, for fuck’s sake,” she whispered and rubbed her temples.
“Holy shit,” Marc gaped.
“Harry, this is Marc,” she introduced the pair, but lacked any enthusiasm. “He’s my neighbor.”
Harry glared at him—even though he didn’t deserve it. “Hi,” he said curtly.
“I’m fine,” she told Marc. “Harry followed me home.”
“Great game today, man,” he looked awestruck; no longer concerned about her well-being at all and entirely concerned about the beautiful man in front of him. “That was a bogus penalty in the second period.”
“I said the same thing,” she nodded in agreement hoping it would remind Harry that she made her own little place here and he didn’t need to worry. That he was her friend.
Harry softened just a little. His shoulders untensed ever so slightly. “Thanks,” he nodded curtly, trying to remain polite to a fan when he wanted to shake the sweet photographer. “Rookie, show me your place,” he ordered.
“Michael and I keep an eye on her,” Marc offered sensing there was a deeper issue.
Harry eyed him up and down and then turned back to her. “Show me your place,” he repeated.
“No!”
“Jesus, babe, show the hot man your apartment!”
She pressed her fingers to her forehead and slid them down her nose and over her lips as she spoke. “Marc,” she sighed. “Go away.”
“Huge fan,” he held his hands up in surrender and made his way upstairs.
Harry was staring at her in disbelief. “You’re not living here.”
“Harry,” she sighed.
“I’ve had a shit day, Rookie. Don’t fucking test it,” he snapped and headed up the stairs figuring he would find it on his own because he would just know? She shook her head.
“Third floor,” she mumbled following behind him. He sighed with relief from ahead of her.
“Take that stupid fucking shirt off,” he said once the door was shut.
“Why are you so angry today?” She shed her camera carefully setting it on the small table. Then her badge. She dropped her keys on the table too. Quickly, before he could get angrier, she rid herself of the jersey and her hoodie.
Harry sighed again, relieved it seemed of what she didn’t know. Without broiling in irritation over his friend’s name all over the girl he had a massive crush on, he was able to focus a little more. Glancing around he inspected the small place. It was cute, adorable even. Just like her.
She bent to take her shoes off. “Do you want water or something? You’re so keyed up... Maybe you want a sedative?” She rolled her eyes at him.
He snorted. “Pass,” he continued looking around. “S’nice, really,” he murmured
“It is,” she agreed. “I don’t plan on staying here forever, but it’s what’s affordable right now. Not all of us make seven figures a year for their talent.”
He ignored her and wandered around the little rooms she had. On all of her walls were more photos she had clearly taken. It didn’t take much for him to figure out her style. It was natural and lovely. “S’cold in here.”
“Heat’s expensive,” she remarked. “Do you want some tea?” She asked.
He shook his head. “No, thank you, Rookie,” he mumbled relaxing more as he inhaled deeply. Everything was so intoxicatingly her in this room. It smelled so good. She smelled so good. “Is Marc in love with you?” He asked offhandedly.
“Not unless I identify as a man, which I don’t.”
He smirked, unable to hide the amusement. She was so funny, it was unfair. Beautiful, talented, kind, and funny. She was made in a lab and meant to tempt every one of Harry’s desires. “What ‘bout the guy that walked y’in?” He picked up the book that was on her coffee table and read the back of it, wondering what kind of books she was into and if she liked the same things as him. He set the book down carefully.
“Michael? No. He’s a baby.”
“He’s taller than you,” he murmured.
“He’s not in love with me. Well, actually, I do make him cookies. So maybe,” she shrugged.
He shook his head wishing he could focus on his own questions. But she was too quick and Harry was too tired.
On the wall of her living room was an array of small frames. Probably fifteen or so four by six photos that his mom would have put in a photo album. He recognized Charlie and Ray. A man he could only assume was Charlie’s brother and her dad as they looked like twins with different hair and eye coloring. Girls in their teens, a dog that never seemed to age even though the family around it did, and her gorgeous smile.
There was also a stupid fucking picture of Niall on her wall beside a team photo which made him want to yank it down and stomp on it like a psychopath.
Poor Niall did nothing to deserve Harry’s wrath. The team teased him the moment he went into the locker room telling him all about how she said Niall was his favorite. It wasn’t surprising. Niall was nice and sweet. He didn’t hook up with a bunch of girls nor did he go from city to city hoping to be entertained by a different girl. He was a nice guy. Probably the kind of guy she did deserve. Especially after whatever it was that Kael did to arguably ruin his life by losing her. He barely congratulated him on his saves in the game. Didn’t even buy him a drink at the bar either. To Niall’s credit, he didn’t take it too harshly. Merely smirked at him as he glared. Knowing it really had nothing to do with him at the heart of it.
But the picture of his best friend on her wall just made him grumpier all over again. It didn’t help that Harry was exhausted. He dreaded having to drive home this late. Especially when he was mad on top of everything else. But having seen where she lived, he was glad he followed her home. Didn’t care that it was creepy. It would have made him insane to know she wasn’t safe.
There wasn’t much he could do but turn his attention to her kitchen so he could avoid the stupid picture of his stupid friend who he didn’t like very much at present.
Right there on the fridge door was one of her family photos—clearly taken at a wedding or something. A quick glance showed she wasn’t in it which made him sad. How often was she left out of pictures because she was always the one taking them? Beside her family was the side-by-side duo picture of herself that he saw on her website. A photo of her parents’ dog next to that. A couple landscapes of the ocean and sun.
Right in the middle of all her photos was a picture of Harry.
He swore time stopped. All his anger towards Niall disappeared. Why was he on her fridge? It was the picture of when he scored a goal, from one of the first games she photographed this year. The one she sent him the first time she texted him. “Why’s this on the fridge?” He asked, straightening it alongside the others it. There was a magnet on the back and Harry felt his chest constrict a bit knowing he wasn’t on the wall, but he was in her house. She cared in some way enough to put him among her pictures of family and friends.
She shrugged. “I put all of my favorite pictures on the fridge,” she said it so simply. It wasn’t a big deal to her. The pictures belonged there and that was it. It just was.
His heart sincerely skipped a beat. Like if he were a cartoon, a graphic of a little heart monitor would appear in a cloud bubble, and it would show an irregular rhythm representing the way she made him feel. His gaze flickered to her briefly, but he was worried he would stare and never look away. He cleared his throat and looked toward her wall of photos. “What ‘bout the wall over there?”
“Those are nice pictures too, but I don’t really look at the wall much. It’s behind me when I sit on the couch, you know...? The fridge however,” she had a smile in her voice. “I love snacks and cooking and baking. So, I’m in the kitchen a lot. So, I like to look at my favorites.”
Harry felt softer. Relieved. Less mad and annoyed than he’d been in hours. Maybe even days if he was honest. Harry was one of her favorites. Even if she didn’t mean he was her favorite and merely the photo.
“Bunny?” He asked softly staring at the other half dozen or so of her favorites.
She didn’t miss a beat answering to the nickname that she didn’t really like. But she did really like the way it sounded when Harry said it. “Yeah?”
“Would y’ever wear my jersey?” His voice was quiet, he felt stupid for asking. The question wouldn’t leave his brain until he said it. Whatever the answer was, he had to ask it.
She frowned and sighed. Harry hated that. It seemed like a terrible question, and he was dreading her answer immediately. “I hate to say it, Harry, but I can’t afford a Styles jersey.”
He rolled his eyes. “Would y’wear it?”
“Of course I would, Harry. You’re my friend just like Niall is. And Asher, Callie, and Lang. I really only wore it because you guys were throwing it out.”
Harry rubbed a hand on the side of his face. He could live with that. “Alright.”
“Did I miss something?” She asked. But he knew how perceptive she was. She had to know how much it bothered him that she wore his friend’s name and number on her body today and not his. She had to know he had a crush on her. Even if he couldn’t do anything about it.
“Nope,” he shook his head not wanting to get into it further.
“Are you sure I can’t get you something to drink?” She asked again. “You seem really out of sorts...maybe you need something without alcohol?”
“Sure,” he sighed. She could give him whatever she wanted. She wouldn’t be able to tell, but he was relieved now. He didn’t need anything else. “Tea would be nice...” She nodded, gently nudging him out of the way to get a pitcher of water from her fridge. “Can I stay here?”
“You want to stay in my crappy little apartment? After you went on and on about how unsafe it is?” She questioned filling the kettle on her stove.
Fair point, Bunny. “M’exhausted, Rookie. I told you I had a bad day.”
“I see that,” she pouted and scanned him up and down. “Of course you can. You have to take my bed though; the couch is too small for you.”
He shook his head. “M’not kicking y’out of your bed when I barged in.”
“Well... it was... kind of nice that you made sure I got home safely. I’m glad it was you, but I was pretty nervous... so if it wasn’t you...” she shook her head and looked at her hands wringing them awkwardly. “I’m sorry you got stuck here,” she pouted.
More of him softened somehow. It seemed impossible that she could make him feel any softer. He was certain he never felt softer than when she said that his picture was one of her favorites. The way she spoke was so gentle.
“I fall asleep most nights on the sofa anyway,” she shrugged, unaware of the thoughts rolling through Harry’s head. She probably hadn’t a clue how she made him imagine her adorable body curled into the small sofa with a blanket around her. What it would be like for him to come home from a game and find her snuggled into a sweatshirt with his cologne on it, the TV playing the post-game highlights, and her hands tucked under her cheek. Did she snore? Harry ached to know.
God he was fucked. How did she walk into the arena and do that? Harry thought of nothing but hockey and hookups. Now he wondered if she snored at night.
She carefully poured the hot water into a mug with The Charger’s logo on the outside and dipped the tea bag in and out a few times letting the water do its thing. She slid it across the small counter before she poured her own mug. They stood silently for a moment, sipping tea.
“I might have something of Kael’s for you to sleep in.”
“I’d rather die than sleep in that piece of shit’s clothes.”
She smirked around the edge of her mug and shook her head. “Are you cold?” She asked.
He shook his head. It was cold but he wasn’t cold. He would be fine with a few blankets. A warm body beside him would be good too, but he wasn’t sure he could convince her.
She put her mug in the sink and went to the bathroom without warning. After a few minutes, she returned. Her face was washed of makeup, her hair pulled back, and she wore a pair of sweatpants instead. She grabbed a pillow off her bed. “Normally I’d change your sheets, but... It’s too late. I hope you don’t mind.”
Wrapped up in sheets, blankets, and pillows that smelled like her? Fine by him. “S’fine, Rookie. Thank you.”
She grabbed more blankets from under her sofa cushion; a space for storage hiding in plain sight. She placed them at the end of her bed and then went to the sofa. “Make yourself at home,” she offered. “Night, Harry,” she yawned and settled into her pillow and blanket, nuzzling into the warmth just as he imagined, her hands tucked under her cheek.
“Night, Rookie,” he mumbled and climbed into her bed. He was practically asleep before he was fully settled.
*
It couldn’t have been more than a couple hours later—it was still very dark out. Her bed was warm, soft, and smelled so fucking good he thought he might sew himself into the sheets just so he never had to leave. But it was undeniably cold. Even in his hoodie and sweats.
He glanced across the room and could barely make out the shadow of his pretty crush curled into the sofa. She looked chilled and Harry felt so immensely guilty. He got out of bed, his feet nearly stinging on the cold floor. Without more thought he scooped her up. His arms looping around the back of her knees and the other around her waist. He tried to move her without jostling her too much. Her head fell toward him, pressing into his chest as he carried her back to the bed. He settled her under her sheets and blankets. He wanted nothing more than to cozy up to her, but he wasn’t going to ruin the progress he made that night. Instead, he slipped between the sheet and blanket, draped the pair of them in the other blankets.
She sighed loudly in her sleep. Like she was comfortable.
Harry didn’t think there was anyone cuter than her.
*
Harry woke up to her burrowed into his side. He didn’t dare move. If she wanted out, she would have to make the move. There wasn’t anything that would get Harry to remove himself from her warm body in the same bed as him. It was almost too warm, but well worth it.
“Jesus,” she whispered suddenly and scooched back in the bed. “Harry!” She hissed.
He smirked. “Good morning, Rookie,” he yawned. “Sleep well?”
“How did I get here?”
“Y’must have tucked yourself in with me,” he smiled.
She rolled her eyes, shook her head. “Shut up,” she mumbled.
“Y’jus’ looked cold,” he shrugged. “S’plenty of room.”
She sighed. “Well thanks, it was cozy,” her cheeks turned red. “Do you want something to eat?” She asked, immediately pivoting from their little late-night cuddle.
“Y’make breakfast too?”
“It’s actually my favorite meal...” she trailed off pushing the covers off. “I love going out to breakfast,” she got out of bed and grabbed a sweatshirt from her dresser. Harry sensed there was more to that, but as soon as he saw her sweatshirt, all previous thoughts left his mind.
Niall’s number and name on her body made him mad.
The words Glacier Wolves across the front in it’s hideous font was going to send him to an early grave.
“No,” he shook his head immediately. “Take it off.”
“You’re awfully bossy about my outfits, Harry,” she rolled her eyes. “It’s cold. I need a sweatshirt.”
Harry pulled the one he was wearing off. “Here.”
For a moment she eyed it. Harry couldn’t figure out her expression or the pause that lasted as she examined it. “Harry it’s like ten degrees out,” she pulled the hem down and walked toward her bathroom again.
He pouted, grumbling to himself as he put his clothing back on. “M’burning that,” he mumbled.
“I heard that!”
*
Harry left after breakfast. He didn’t bug her about her sweatshirt. But he did beg her to turn the heat on for a little bit. He helped her with dishes and not once did the conversation feel forced, awkward, or like there was a lull that lasted too long. He watched her take pictures of her food, then the way the light streamed in through the window, so it hit her coffee table just so. She adjusted her book to an open page and set a hot cup of tea beside it.
With a couple of snaps, Harry watched her while biting into his toast. “Can I see?” He asked.
“It’s nothing special. I just take random pictures sometimes for practice,” she explained.
He wiped his hand on his leg and held it out expectantly for the priceless equipment. It felt weird, awkward. Tentatively, she handed it to him. Not only had she captured the beauty of the early morning in her little place, she took another picture of Harry drinking tea in between bites.
He smiled. “Aw, Rookie, me?” He teased. She didn’t say anything, looked anywhere but him while her pink cheeks spoke for the emotions she was feeling. “M’not sure why but m’still really impressed,” he tabbed through the pictures she took on the little screen.
She must have faced the camera backwards because her pretty smiling face with the ice rink as back drop behind her illuminated the screen. Harry loved everything about the photo. It had her and his beloved hockey rink. “Can I have this one?” He asked.
“I was going to delete that,” she blushed. Harry frowned.
“No way, Rookie, y’look adorable. Let me have it, y’got me on your fridge.”
She looked away shyly, nodded silently. “I’ll text it to you.”
Harry was unbelievably talented and attractive. He could outthink his opponents on the ice and he was sweet enough to make sure she got home safe. Carried her to bed in the middle of the night to keep her warm.
It wasn’t fair that she couldn’t have him. Even if it was her own doing.
Around ten or so, Harry had to head out and she hated to admit it, but she really missed him almost the moment he left.
*
The following day she headed to practice taking pictures for the team’s social media posts. Ray and Charlie were at the center of the ice waiting for the team to file out of the locker room. She took a picture of her uncle and surrogate uncle. Then she setup for some detail shots while waiting. The score book and pen on the bench. A stick propped up behind the bench. She laid flat on the ice and got a shot of the coach’s shoes on the center of the ice.
“Hey Sweetheart!” Callie called from across the rink—first one on the ice. Ray threw a puck at him, and he shot it into the net. Charlie threw another and he pushed the puck back and forth near him. “Laying down on the job?”
She snorted, shook her head with a smile. “Come here!” He glided over and stopped in front of her without getting ice all over her and her equipment. “Put your stick flat on the ground,” she ordered. She reached out and touched the puck and pushed it in front of the slight bend at the end of his stick. “Take your helmet off, and your gloves.”
“You gonna tell me to take more of my uniform off, Sweetheart?” He teased but followed her directions.
“You wish.”
“I do wish, Sweetheart, I do.”
She shook her head while centering her view on the shot she wanted. “Don’t move.”
“Yes ma’am,” he sighed dreamily. He was enjoying her bossing him around too much and she couldn’t help but smile while she clicked the shutter taking several of the same photo.
“Okay, thank you,” she carefully maneuvered so she would flop awkwardly back on the ice. Callie immediately grabbed her camera and then took hold of her arm to help her up. Once righted, she brushed the ice off the front of her body. She was quite chilled from lying on the ground for so long. Plus her apartment was cold, naturally her car’s heater was chilly, and it felt like she never quite got out of the cold ever because of it.
“Can I see?” He said excitedly.
She turned the camera to show him. Her teeth chattered a little more than usual. Callie put an arm around her shoulders to add some warmth. He was tall and lean like most other hockey players. And undoubtedly attractive too. “You’re pushing it, Kian,” she shook her head but didn’t mind how warm he felt.
“No one calls me Kian except my mother, Sweetheart,” he reminded her. “You’re cold. Don’t read into it,” he took the camera from her and thumbed through the photos pressing the buttons beside the screen to view them. “Wow,” he murmured. “That’s so cool, Sweetheart. It looks really beautiful.”
She blushed with pride and ducked her face. “Thank you.”
“You know... I’m not sure what he did, but Kael is an idiot to lose you,” he affirmed clicking through more of the photos. “Can we take one?” He asked.
“Yeah, sure,” she turned the camera around and pointed where Callie needed to look. He squeezed around her a little tighter as she clicked the shutter. He immediately took the camera back and examined the photo. “Cute, Sweetheart,” he grinned and continued flipping through all her photos. Including the ones from her breakfast with Harry the day before. “Ooh... what’s this?” He cooed. “Did you and Styles have a sleepover?!” He gaped.
She took her camera back. “No,” she didn’t even blush. It wasn’t his business. She didn’t want Charlie to hear.
And she definitely didn’t want Harry to hear.
Harry slid onto the ice his eyes zeroing in on his teammate’s arm wrapped around her almost immediately. She felt a little awkward knowing that he seemed to be a bit territorial about her even though it wasn’t really within his right. He glowered at the puck that Charlie tossed to him, and it sailed almost immediately into the net from where he stood. “I can’t compete with him, Sweetheart,” Callie frowned. “Please tell me you don’t actually like Styles.”
“I like all of you, Kian,” she rolled her eyes, tearing her eyes away from his broody skating.
“But you like me most, right?” Asher appeared seemingly out of nowhere.
“She likes you least,” Lang said assuredly skating by just as quick. She laughed and shook her head.
“I like you all equally,” she promised.
“Bull shit, you can’t sell a twenty-way-tie!” Asher frowned.
She loved her little family away from her real one. This team made her feel more loved and appreciated than Kael ever did. It was eye-opening in so many ways. Was it just because she took pictures on the team? Would they behave this way if she was just a girlfriend? Or the coach’s niece without special treatment? She got special treatment from the other girlfriends and wives of the Glacier Wolves simply because she was Kael’s girlfriend.
At about the same time she started to feel drained by her relationship (the last six months before it ended), she overheard two of the significant others talking about her in the bathroom. While she was using the bathroom... They said Kael was an idiot to stay with her. She was a leech and nothing more. For three years she had been nothing but a good girlfriend. She attended every game, catered to Kael’s workout schedules, practice schedules. She monitored his calendar and made sure his stunning, penthouse apartment was cleaned. She hosted parties for his teammates. For three years post-graduation she didn’t take photography gigs, skipped family parties, and let her degree sit on a shelf unused to it’s full potential.
Maybe The Chargers boys were just being kind because she was the coach’s niece. Maybe her skill really was subpar. Wasn’t she really just a leech in a new way now? Her uncle got her this job and they didn’t really need her.
Kael fucked her up good. Made her feel worthless. He didn’t value her skill and made her believe she wasn’t good enough in any part of her life. “Hey Sweetheart?” Callie asked, giving her a squeeze, bringing her mind back to the present. “You good?”
She nodded. “Sorry, just daydreaming.”
“About me?!” Asher grinned. She smiled. At least for now, this family she had was sweet. She wanted to believe they valued her for her and savor it for however long she could.
*
While the boys practiced, she went to the locker room and tidied up, brought the dirty uniform hamper to the laundry room, and brought the clean laundry back. She took more detail shots without the boys around. It was fun to get them in the shots, like the ones she took with Callie. But ever-like puppies, it was easier to get pictures without them milling around eagerly. She took some really nice shots of their locker space. With the right lighting, it would look like they were ready for battle—she could see it in her head, and she couldn’t wait to get the shots of their numbers alongside equipment on her computer to play with the settings.
But after about an hour of that, she ran out of things to do. She sauntered back to the rink and watched from the bench. Ray and Charlie stood at the center dictating where they should go and what to do next. It was mesmerizing. The beauty and graceful agility these tall, lean, padded men exuded was incredible.
“Take a picture it will last longer!”
The team burst into laughter as Callie called out to her. She shook her head but certainly did just that.
“Hey Sweetheart,” Niall grinned coming over during another break. “Heard you had Harry over. Hope he wasn’t too much trouble.”
She smiled. “No, he was good,” she assured him. “It was nice he followed me home. To make sure I was safe.”
“Yeah, he’s decent like that. His sister Gemma made him a real gentleman,” he agreed. “He didn’t like you wearing my jersey,” he told her.
“I’m well aware.”
“I won’t say no if you wear it again.”
She laughed. “Will do.”
“Want to make him madder taking a picture?”
“Maybe tomorrow, Kian made him pretty mad today with that one already.”
“Who?” Niall furrowed his eyebrows. She shook her head and silently laughed. “Is that what the silent treatment was for?” Niall asked with a laugh and skated off to rejoin his team.
*
At the end of practice, she took shots of them leaving the ice, the empty net. In her head she had a series of photos. The sequence of a hockey game and maybe she would put it into motion one day. She sat on the bench looking at her camera screen and sifted through some of the multiples she didn’t need.
“Hey Rookie,” Harry said softly.
She looked up and smiled. “Hi, Harry.”
Dangling from his fingers were a pair of figure skates. All white, pink guards, pink anterior cushioning, and pink laces.
“I got you these.”
She blinked. “Why?”
“To practice.”
“Harry, I cannot accept that. I know how much ice skates cost. Those have to be close to 400 dollars.”
He shrugged. “That’s what a good pair cost.”
“Harry, I can’t even stand on the ice. Return them. I’m not taking a 400-dollar pair to ruin because I can’t even stand still while wearing them... And they’re practically giving me blisters from just looking at them. I don’t have the right socks..." Harry looked disappointed and he frowned. "But... that... that was very sweet of you,” she added. Because she hadn’t said thank you yet, and it was sweet. It was extremely thoughtful of him. “Thank you,” she added gratefully. “That was so nice of you.”
“Do you like Callie?” He blurted.
“Do you think I’m in love with every man I meet?” She countered.
“You two looked cozy,” he mumbled.
“I was cold,” she admitted. “He offered his jersey, but I didn’t want a repeat of the other night,” she quipped. Harry smirked and looked away from her. “I’m not dating hockey players, remember?” She grabbed her camera and bag ready to leave the rink.
“Yeah...” he sighed, rubbed the back of his head. “I know, Rookie.”
*
There was a knock on her door later that evening. She assumed it was Michael asking if she had baked anything after feeling a bit on the munchier side of life. It probably wasn’t Marc because he had a date with the hockey lover. But maybe it was an early night for them, so who knew.
Instead, Harry was there. A pair of skates dangling from his fingers once more. The guards were still pink, there were scuffs on the toes and heels. The interior was cushioning was a light brown. “They’re a good brand. Used, so they didn’t cost a lot. But full disclosure, they were the most expensive used pair I could find because m’not gonna let y’skirt on the quality because of the cost. They won’t hurt your feet with blisters being brand new.”
Harry, with used ice skates, was the last person she expected to see. There was a tug in her chest where her heart would have melted for Kael to do something as kind as that. But she couldn’t fall in love with Harry. It was just a bad idea. He was a celebrity. There were millions of women he could choose from.
“Have you had it with dragging me around the ice or something?” She asked.
He chuckled and shook his head. “No, but... I want t’help you, Rookie. Y’should know how t’skate. Think of the pictures y’could take even if y’jus’ learn t’skate a little,” he shrugged.
That tug in her chest felt an awful lot like Harry worming his way into the center of her universe. But she didn’t want to do that again. Not really. She didn’t want to dote on Harry the way she did only for it to backfire on her. She still had a lot of time, but she felt behind. Kael made it so she didn’t have tons of money. She ‘didn’t have to worry about it’ because he made plenty. But it wasn’t about money. It was about her independence and now she felt like she literally paid the price. “I got y’some socks too,” Harry added.
Goddammit.
She was going to fall in love with him.
--
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#eeeeee hiding the smile so real when it’s Harry#truly beyond me she’s so brave#oh eye twitch sports betting you say eye twitch#most definitely not harry styles no way#sewing the jersey back together so wholesome#she smiled as if she had any responsibility for how well they did bye the way this cracked me up#hahahaha such rascals I love them all#Nialllllll I’ll cry#ohhhhhhh how I love the game day fits#OTHER ORGANS THROB PLSS DDKDKFJJXJXD#not the way she would expect him to be focused on her chest Sam you’re so silly ily#you always look cuteeeeeeeeeeeeeee#Boys are weird !!!!!!#awww Michael what a lad#omg if it’s Kale salad I’m gonna be sick NOOOOOO IM SICK OH WAIT ITS HARRY LOL IM FINE ITS FINE FALSE ALARM EVERYONE HAHDHDHDHD#omg Michael texting Marc <3#Not unless I identify as a man Sam you’re killing it today she’s so funny you’re so funny#all the pictures are so cute ahhhh the fridgeeeeee that’s special yup see it’s her fav#cartoon graphic heart monitor love#I like to look at my favorites she is darling#BUNNY EEEEEEEEEEE perfect placement#would you ever wear my jersey ILL SOBBBB and now he wondered if she snore at night my hearttttt and awwww the selfie give him oneeeeee#she’s doing it for the gram as they say#Callie stop pls I’ll fall in love#ahhhhhhh I love them all except Kale fuck you Kale#The used pair omg I’m going to fall in love with him (I already am)#harry styles fic rec#fic rec#love love love#1d1195 fan club
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BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER BE DAMNED.
#oddelliots#CAN MY HEADMATES STOP I WANT TO STOP TOO GGGGHHHREEAAAHHHH#pls I hate all of you I just want one peroskn to talk to me i need a comsyant supply of attention but uhhghhhhhhghhh#dni with this post please i :3 too silly heh#boombox I’m gonna kill y#can’t believe this brouht me to front nobody talk to me right nowbactually
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#this is gonna be so tmi sorry i’m advance but#how am i supposed to deal with having a body and every mental illness and stomach problems and throat problems and being ugly and having no#hobbies or life skills or a job#i need to find a job but i also have to deal with my stomach and my throat so i can be well enough to actually move my body to find a job#but i don’t have much money left so i can’t focus on those things either so i’m spending literally hours a day in the bathroom and it hurts#to speak#and i don’t want to feed myself i don’t want to take my meds i don’t want to do anything but get high which also physically hurts also bc#throat#and i have to do PT everyday so i can shit better but i also need to find a job so i can’t waste silly energy on things like that but then i#can’t get a job because i feel like shit and am shitting literally all the fucking time#and obviously the logical thing should be to just take care of my health today so i can be good to#tomorrow to find a job right? wrong actually! tomorrow it’ll be something’s#and the day after that#n the day after that#and every day after that one too!#but no one is actually willing to help me with anything because i am a 1 dimensional human being who spawned yesterday who has never heard#of things like “’building tenacity’ and ‘having structure’ there’s actually nothing wrong with me i’m just lazy i guess!#but if i wanna kill myself that’s wrong and bad and needs to be stopped immediately#other people seem to look at suicidal people and go ‘i have no reason to want to kill myself so other people just need to push it through :)#thug it out lol’ and it’s like actually these are very good reasons to want to die#i have spent the last 9 years actively in treatment actively working on myself actively trying to build a better life#it has only gotten worse#don’t talk to me about getting over to the other side. i’m on it. it’s just as bad as every other one of the sides#life doesn’t ever get better for some people and just because that wasn’t true for you and your life did get better doesn’t mean other#peoples lives every will get better. like it is straight up not possible for me to have a better life. and i know this for a fact because if#it was#i would have it now and i would have had it for a while
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LAST CALL TO CONTINUE THE CHAOS AND KILL THE FROG !!!!! ILY GUYS FOR THE CHAOS THAT HAPPENED ALREADY AND EVERYTHING ELSE. JUST BTW <3
SEMIFINALS MATCH 2: QUILL VS. KERMIT
why is he still here
Quill Propaganda:
"He's such a loser. Has beef with 3 16 year olds. He's like 4'10. Had one of the best character arcs ever. He almost died. His sword is bejeweled."
"guys vote for my son quilliam and his stupid little bedazzled sword"
"you wanna punch his face in in the first book and by the end you're sobbing buckets and loving and protecting him as if he were your own and my closing argument: it would be really really fucking funny"
"VOTE QUILL HE HAS FUNNY GOGGLES AND IS BEEFING WITH A TEENAGER BECAUSE THAT TEENAGER STABBED HIM IN THE ASS DURING A FENCING COMPETITION WHEN HE WAS LIKE 11 AND QUILL NEVER GOT OVER IT"
“new propaganda his ass has goggles & they leave red rings on his face & demonstrate even more how stupid he is”
“more propaganda we fuucking hate him”
☠Sticky, Shaggy, Sans Undertale, Luigi, Kim Dokja, Zagreus☠
Kermit Propaganda:
"Kermit is the best ever and I love him ❤️"
"Kermit is sag aftra"
"ofc i support kermit the frog he’s a small business owner he’s an artist he’s an actor he’s a union man he loves his wife he’s a babygirl literally he is the perfect man"
"This one, I'm pulling from Kermit because it's Kermit the Frog. He's an independent artist who has multiple movies in which he refuses to sell out and also the accidental implication that he caused 9/11."
"if kermit wins I'll write a scene of him and Scar hanging out" [@the-joju-experience ]
"Kermitgang motherfuckers"
"It would be so on brand for Kipps to lose to a frog"
"he [kipps] deserves to get his butt kicked in by Kermit"
☠Claude Von Riegan, Pizza, Balthazar Cavendish, Scout, Mia Fey, Zuko, Soundwave, Gideon Nav☠
#also tysm to anybody who interacted with me during this whole poll i had so much fun i can’t thank you enough#ilysm everyone#this insane event can mean so much to a person actually#ty for the poll op#and for messing around with me#and ty lockwood fandom for having fun with me#ty for joining in#<3#idk i felt very loved#for all my chaos and stuff#and i love you guys too#for all of yours#kipps vs kermit#(why the fuck am i getting sappy over a kermit poll)#lockwood & co#lockwood and co#quill kipps#polls#the muppets#kermit the frog#the muppet show#muppets#kermit#you caught me in an emotional mood tomorrow i’m gonna kill simeone /silly
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