#I’ll never get over him talking about loveless

[apomaro-mellow]

Hawkins Confidential 8

Part 7

Steve ignored Dustin’s protests as he scented him in the car. He’d done so every morning this week now that his pup was back in school. It still felt like a dream come true that he got to see his son off, bookbag bouncing as he hopped, skipped, and stepped to his class. But that left him completely alone. He sighed, rubbed his face with his hands and then drove off to distract himself with random errands. Of course, the thoughts came to him anyway. As he went shopping, as he visited the club, even as he tried to drown his thoughts out with the chaotic sounds of a playground, they found him.

How he was in a loveless marriage, how his parents still ruled over him, even though one was dead. He was just like his parents, right down to his husband having a mistress. Steve got back home, hours wasted and it was barely two in the afternoon. Steve wandered to the kitchen. He got through two glasses before giving up and just taking the bottle up to his room. 

But there was one difference between his life and his mother’s. One aspect he nearly forgot about.

He nearly jolted off the bed and threatened to tip the bottle over when the phone rang. He groaned, not up to talking with anyone. But it continued to ring and that just frayed his nerves even more.

“Hello?”, he answered.

“Hey, so what should I bring to dinner tonight? Wine? A cheese plate? Some other rich person thing I can’t think of?”

Shit. Shit, the weekly dinner. Steve set the bottle down on the floor and tried to right himself. He sniffed, not realizing how close to tears he had been.

“Hey? Stevie, are you okay?”

“Yeah I’m just, yeah I…yeah”, Steve said, words feeling too heavy all of a sudden. He just wanted Eddie here. To hold him, scent him, comfort him the way he used to. And just like before, Eddie could tell there was a lot weighing on him even though he had hardly said anything.

“Are you home? I can be there in ten.”

“Eddie no, I..I couldn’t. You don’t need to-”

“I’m coming. You can turn me away once I’m there but I’m on my way.”

Eddie got there in nine minutes and Steve didn’t turn him away. He was almost petty enough to bring Eddie up to the bedroom. Let Tommy catch the scent of another alpha on their bedspread. But Steve wasn’t that bold yet. Not ready to fully confront it all. So he took Eddie up to one of the guest rooms instead. They fell into bed as easily as if nothing had changed. Steve scented him, rubbing their cheeks together, nuzzling his neck. Eddie let it all happen, silent until a rumble rolled through him.

“What are we doin’, baby?”, he asked, voice low.

“I know, I’m sorry”, Steve said, suddenly sitting up. “I just…needed you.”

“I get that. But why? What happened? Is something wrong with Dustin?”

“No”, Steve shook his head. “Dustin’s as healthy as ever. It’s…”

Eddie propped himself onto his elbows, gazing at Steve’s profile. “It’s Tommy”, he surmised correctly.

“Not just him. It’s Carol too.”

Eddie shot up at that. “No…”

Steve nodded, then got up from the bed to stare out the window. “It’s true.”

“I’ll fucking kill him. How could he-”

“Eddie, it’s fine.”

“It’s not fine! Steve, you were about to fall into rejection sickness!”

Steve wrapped his arms around himself and refused to look at Eddie. That’s what he’d been feeling. Eddie must have smelled it on him the minute he arrived. And he still let Steve rub all over him.

“Do you love him?”, Eddie asked, his voice soft.

“No!”, Steve whipped around. “I don’t love him. He’s slime. He’s a parasite. He’s-ugh, fuck! I can’t believe I’m sick over him! Eddie, I swear I don’t love him. It’s just…I never wanted…this life”, he sighed, then fell back against the bed. “And it’s not just me anymore, it’s Dustin too. He’s growing up in this cold, loveless house just like I did. I should’ve run away with you.”

“It’s not loveless. He’s got you. And me now”, Eddie said, kneeling before Steve. “And I’m done looking back. I just wanna think about the future I have with you two. What’s it matter if Hagan’s shacking up with Carol anyway?”

“It doesn’t matter all that much. At least not on Tommy’s end.” Steve played with Eddie’s hair. “But Carol’s never in it just for the fun. She’s probably after his money.”

“Your money”, Eddie corrected. “She’s trying to push you out. Push our pup out.”

Steve bristled at that. Carol wasn’t any old floozy. Eddie was right, she was making a play for the Harrington fortune. She was a threat to him. A threat to his pup. But even so…

“I don’t know what to do, Eddie. Carol won’t back off just because I say I figured out their game.”

Eddie grinned and stood up, bringing Steve along with him. “You must have mellowed out from the way you used to be back in the day. I remember you dressing a guy down because he bumped into me and refused to apologize. I remember you making that cheerleader cry in less than ten words. I remember you making the mayor speechless! Sweetheart, you could end Carol’s life if you wanted to. The question is, do you want to?”

Steve nodded. “I wanna ruin her for good. But that’s not the only thing I want.” He swallowed as he met Eddie’s gaze, only to find the alpha looking just as intensely at him.

“Tell me what you want, baby.”

Steve’s hands smoothed up Eddie’s chest and suddenly they were sixteen again, hiding away in a guest room while his parents were out for the night. Gone were the titles and roles that had been piled up on him in the past decade. He was just Eddie’s. And Eddie was his.

“I want you”, Steve whispered before capturing his lips.

Eddie melted into it, arms coming around Steve. He had missed this. Getting to kiss him and hold him, and have him. He moaned when Steve’s hand went into his hair. A move that was so familiar, it had him forgetting where he was. But they both heard the heavy front door open and close and broke apart from each other.

By the time Dustin came bounding up the stairs, Steve was able to greet him, door to the guest room closed behind him. Dustin smelled Eddie on him of course but came to the conclusion that he must be somewhere in the house - not that his two dads had just been making out. 

Steve went to keep Dustin occupied, giving Eddie a chance to escape the guest room and pretend he’d been in another part of the house. The three of them caught up in the living room while dinner was being prepared. When it was served, the only other newcomer was Bianca. Tommy would be working late again.

Bianca was only just barely civil to Eddie. It helped that she had a soft spot for her grandson. It also helped that Dustin was such a chatterbox that he dominated the conversation. It gave Steve time to think. About how to handle Carol, about what he wanted from Eddie. Because try as they might, things couldn’t just go back to how they were before. He had a child now. Any scandal involving him would hurt Dustin too. Dustin got Eddie to stay through dessert but after that, Eddie had to go.

“Come on! It’s basically the weekend! Can’t you stay the night?”

Every adult froze, including his mother who was on her way upstairs. Eddie recovered first, smiling as he bent over to get on Dustin’s level.

“Wish I could, bud. You and I can pull all-nighters when you’re at my place, deal?”

“Only if those all-nighters include movie marathons and junk food”, Dustin made him swear.

“I promise.”

“Go ahead upstairs and start getting ready for bed. And that includes brushing your teeth”, Steve said as he walked Eddie to the door. He closed the door and they were both alone in the quiet of the night. “Look, Eddie-”

“I already know what you’re gonna say. And I understand. It was the heat of the moment. You don’t wanna do this.”

“No! Shut up! I do!”, Steve hissed. “I mean, I do, just, not like this. Not when things are so complicated.”

Eddie stuck his hands into his pockets. “Haven’t they always been like that?”

Steve shook his head. “Not in the beginning. It only got messed up when my parents meddled and-” His brain suddenly decided to bring up a similar scene to this. It was night, Steve was on his front porch, telling Eddie to go away. He could blame his parents for that, but Steve was responsible too. “I meant that. I want you Eddie, I do. That hasn’t changed. But can’t I have some time? To think about how it’s gonna be? To deal with Carol and Tommy?”

Eddie took out a cigarette and lit it as Steve spoke. He didn’t reply until he’d taken a drag and breathed it out. “I’ve waited ten years. I can wait a little longer. You’ll call if you need me, right?”

Steve’s shoulders sagged in relief. “There’s no one else I’d rather call.”

Part 9 coming soon

[renohasbigtits]

I can’t believe there’s bitches out there who don’t like Genesis. Y’all just don’t understand him like I do 😤

[cameronsprincess]

— summary: kook princess. kook prince. perfect match, right? wrong. you hated rafe cameron and everything he stood for. and he hated you. so when your fathers spring it on the two of you that they’d arranged for the two of you to be married, both of your worlds are flipped upside down.

— CW: 18+ only !! cocaine use, alcohol consumption, sexual innuendo, strong language.

likes, comments and reblogs are very appreciated <3

prev parts: one

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3 days later…

RAFE

“So.. Let me get this straight. Your dad, and Y/N’s dad, have formed some kind of plan to merge both companies.. And you have to marry Y/N for it to be the most successful?”

I snort. Leave it to Topper to have to go over the scenario a hundred fucking times before it finally clicks in his thick skull. I ignore him, grabbing the rolled up hundred dollar bill off the glass table and place it under my right nostril. Leaning forward, i place the other end of the rolled bill at the end of the perfectly formed white line, sniffing up the substance before dropping the bill and flopping back into the soft, white couch. Fuck, I love the burn this shit leaves behind. The way it makes my body tingle, clearing my mind of any bullshit I don’t want to think about.

Topper tries ruining my high again. “Rafe. C’mon man, we have to talk about this. What’re you going to do?”

I sit up, my eyes narrowed into thin slits at him. “There’s nothing to fucking talk about, Top. My dad and her dad have already signed our lives away. I’m supposed to marry the stuck up bitch in less than a month. I don’t want to think about it, so drop it.”

Topper groans, but thankfully, he drops the subject. I don’t know what he expects me to say. I don’t want to marry her. Marriage is the last thing I pictured myself ever doing, but even if I had decided to settle down one day, start a family, it sure as Hell wouldn’t have been her I chose. Y/N Y/L/N is the bane of my existence, and my polar opposite.

Where I like to have fun, and am riddled with issues from head to toe — thanks dad — she’s boring. She doesn’t get out, and she is issue free. Her family didn’t fuck her life up like mine did — well, until now I guess — and she doesn’t even want to change her ways. She’s stuck in the mindset of being the perfect princess. My dad always praised her when we were growing up. “Be more like Y/N, Rafe.” “Why can’t you act like Y/N? She’s a good girl.” and my favorite line “I wish I had Y/N as a daughter instead of you as my fuck up son”.

I shake the thoughts to the back of my mind. The last thing I want to do right now is think of fucking Y/N Y/L/N and the fact that come this weekend, the entire island will know we’re getting married. That’ll really fuck up my chances with getting any pussy before this wedding. That’s another thing. The girls still a fucking virgin. I mean, who the fuck is still a virgin at twenty-one years old? Y/N fucking Y/L/N, that’s who.

“You have to admit though, she is hot. And she’s a virgin, how longs it been since you fucked a virgin?” Top says, amusement lacing his tone as he lightly punches at my shoulder.

I roll my eyes. “She’s not fucking hot, Topper. She’s a bitch.”

Lie.

Y/N is a lot of things, but unattractive isn’t one of them. I would be lying to myself if I said she wasn’t fucking gorgeous. But I’ll never admit that out loud.

“C’mon Rafe. Lighten up. Maybe it won’t be so bad”

I bark out a laugh at that. It’s going to be fucking miserable. A loveless marriage. Handcuffs that I can’t break free from, even if I wanted to.

“Topper. Fucking drop it.”

He opens his mouth to speak but thankfully, Kelce comes barging through the front door. I quickly stand from the couch, making my way to my other best friend and mouthing a silent “thank you” to him for arriving when he did.

“Y’all ready?” Kelce asks, his eyes darting between Topper and I. Thankful for the intrusion and opportunity to drop this entire fucking subject, nod my head. “Let’s go”

-

The boys and I enter the Island Club. We come here quite often to just get drunk and forget about our shitty days. I am thankful for this tradition right about now. This whole marriage thing has had me stressed out for the last three days. I remember when Ward first came to me about it. He had told me that it was time for me to step up and do something good for the family.

“Son, a word?”

I roll my eyes, glancing at the girl laid beside me I tell her, “I’ll be right back”

My dad chuckles, his eyes glancing behind me and at the brunette that wears only my T-shirt and a pair of underwear. “Actually, you can get dressed and go. Rafe won’t be back up here until late tonight”

I roll my eyes, opening my mouth to protest, but my dad’s stern look has me quickly shutting my mouth. There’s never a point in arguing with Ward Cameron. He will win every single fucking time.

Turning to face Sofia, I give her a small smile. “Sorry, I’ll call you later”

She rolls her eyes but nods her head. She grabs her things from my floor before slipping on her white Nike tennis shoes and walking toward me. She positions all of her things in her left hand, her right palm pressed firmly against my chest as she leans up on her tiptoes and presses a long kiss to my lips.

My father clearing his throat has me pushing her back softly. “I’ll call you.” I say firmly. She turns and exits my room. Leaving me all alone with my dad.

“You won’t be calling her” He states.

My narrowed eyes find his. “And why is that?”

“Because, son. You’re about to step up and do something good for this family, and I won’t have you fucking it up by sleeping around with some bartender from the club.”

I scoff. “What’re you-” I begin to ask, but he cuts me off.

“You’re going to be marrying Y/N Y/L/N.” He says matter-of-factly.

“Rafe? You good bro?”

The sound of Kelce’s voice rips me from the memory. I slowly turn my head to face him, his dark brown eyes filled with slight concern.

Clearing my throat, I say, “Yeah. I’m good. Lets get fucking drunk”

Kelce and Topper nod their heads and begin making their way toward the bar. I follow them closely behind, but freeze in my tracks when I see her. Sofia. I never did call her, and it’s been three days since she was last in my room. I know she’s going freak out on me. If she doesn’t, i’ll be surprised.

I clear my throat and roll my neck before continuing my way up to the bar with my friends. I finally reach Kelce and Topper, they’re already ordering. “Rafe, whatcha drinking bro?” Kelce asks while looking behind his shoulder at me.

I open my mouth to speak but Sofia’s narrowed eyes landing on mine the second she hears my name has me clamping my mouth shut. I give her an awkward nod, debating on just leaving. That’s not who I am though, I don’t run away like a scared little bitch, so instead I order, “Whiskey. Neat.”

She rolls her eyes. “You’ll call me, huh? It’s been three days, Rafe. What the fuck?”

I hear Kelce and Topper snort out a laugh. I glare at the back of both their heads. I’m friends with fucking children. Turning my attention back to the short brunette, I sigh heavily. “Situations changed, Sofie.”

She scoffs at that. “Well, it would be nice to know that you had just planned on fucking me and never calling again. I wouldn’t have ever looked at you twice.”

Topper slings an arm around my shoulder. “I’m sure he would have called had he not found out later that day that’s he’s marrying Y/N Y/L-”

I throw my elbow into Topper’s side, making his arm fall from my shoulder as he groans in pain. “What the fuck was that for?” He demands.

I roll my eyes, and put my focus back on Sofia. “Look, like I said. Situations changed. I won’t apologize for not calling you, we never said it would be more than sex between us anyways”

Her mouth falls open and tears begin to well up in her chocolate brown eyes. I sigh. This is the thing about women. They always expect so much more than you’re willing to give. I never planned on having a relationship with Sofia, and she knows that. But now, I’m the bad guy because she was all but thrown out of my house and I never called.

She lifts her eyes toward the ceiling above her, blinking back her tears before her eyes find mine again. “Well, good to know. Let me get those drinks for you guys.”

I let out a deep exhale, turning to face Topper and Kelce. They both have shit eating grins on their faces. “What?” I snap.

Topper chuckles. “Nothing. You better hope she doesn’t spit in your drinks all night” He jokes.

I run a hand down my face. Tonight was supposed to help me unwind, not cause more fucking unwanted stress. “I never fed her lines of false hope, so I don’t know why she’s freaking the fuck out.”

Kelce chuckles this time, slapping a hand on my shoulder. “Don’t they all freak the fuck out when it comes to you? I mean c’mon Rafe. You can’t ever sleep with a girl without her expecting more.. I just hope you’re prepared for the long list that’s going to come for your throat when this engagement is announced.”

I sigh for what feels like the thousandth time tonight. He’s right. I have never been serious about any of the girls I slept with. They all wanted more, but every single time I felt they were getting to attached, I stopped calling or texting them. It was better that way. I didn’t want anything serious, and now, I’m being forced into something super serious. Fuck, my life really sucks doesn’t it?

“Here. Drink up, you need it.” I hear Kelce say. I turn to face him and he has his left hand extended toward me, my glass of whiskey in hand. I quickly snatch it from his grip and throw it back, downing the amber liquid in one gulp. Turning to face the bar, I slide the glass back toward Sofia. “Another.”

-

Two hours and multiple glasses of whiskey later, I’m drunk. The room sways a bit, and I reach my hand out to grip the patio railing. I hear Topper laugh from the right of me. “Dude, you’re fucking wasted.” He laughs out, placing his hand on my shoulder to help keep me upright.

“I- I am not wasted, Top. I’m just… Buzzed” I lie.

He opens his mouth to speak but he quickly slams it shut, the sound of his teeth clashing together has me turning my full attention on him. His brows are raised and his eyes look like they’re going to pop from his skull as he stares intently behind us.

“What the fuck are you looking at? You look like you’ve seen a fucking ghost.” I joke. But he doesn’t laugh, and that makes me nervous. Topper laughs at the dumbest shit, so for him to remain staring behind us with a look of pure shock in his eyes, it has me wondering what just happened.

My body sways to the side as I try to turn and face the direction he’s looking, but his hand on my shoulder has me stopping in place.

I narrow my blue — possibly bloodshot — eyes on him. “What the fuck, Top. Speak!”

He clears his throat. “I- Uh.. Y/N just walked in with some of her friends.”

That has my attention. I quickly turn my body, falling forward a bit but catching myself with the help of the railing again. She stands at the bar. And she looks fucking delicious right now. For a girl who has never taken it past kissing a man — if she’s even kissed a man — she sure knows how to dress the part of any other girl on this island. She wears a black, leather skirt that hugs her curves and ass nicely. A tight, white cropped top and a pair of black heels that add a few inches to her height. Her hair is up in a high ponytail, and all I can think of is wrapping my hand in it and pulling her head back as I fuck her from behind.

What the fuck? Why am I thinking of her like this? I fucking hate her. My soon to be wife. She’s a fucking stuck up, prude bitch. My mind tells me to stop staring, reminds me that I can’t fucking stand her. But my cock is screaming the complete opposite.

Without thinking, my legs begin to carry me toward her. I come to a stop right behind her, clearing my throat, causing her head to whip in my direction. The moment her eyes find mine, she’s rolling them. The act alone is fucking sexy. I picture her eyes rolling into the back of her head while my face is buried between her legs, devouring her sweet cunt. Fuck. Stop thinking of her like this Rafe, you’re just drunk, and horny. Any girl would do, but for some fucking reason, my mind is consumed with her.

“What the fuck do you want, Rafe” She sighs.

I smirk at the anger that radiates from her. “Just coming to say- just coming to say hey to my future wifeeee.” I slur. She rolls her eyes as they find mine again.

“You said hey, now run along. We don’t need to pretend to like each other right now.”

Maybe it’s just because I’m drunk, but her words stung. She really hates me doesn’t she? I mean, I hate her too. Don’t I? Yes, Rafe. She’s a stuck up bitch who acts like she’s better than everyone. But my drunken mind has me sighing as I say, “You really don’t like me, baby?”

Her body stiffens, eyes wide as she stares back at me. “I- Don’t call me that.”

I smirk. I have her worked up. Reaching out my left hand, I push a few strands of hair behind her ear before I run my fingers down the side of her face. She sucks in a shaky breath and flinches away from my touch.

“Rafe… Please just let me have a night out with my friends. In two days, we’re announcing to the entire island that we’re getting married, and I’d like to live the last two days of my life without you around… Lord knows I’m about to be stuck with you.”

My eyes narrow and I take a step toward her. You’re drunk, Rafe. Keep your cool. My large hands reach for her face, cupping her cheeks as I lower my face closer to hers. I don’t miss the way her chest rises and falls rapidly from my close proximity. She’s nervous. It’s going to be so much fun having her all to myself. Even if I hate her, pussy is pussy. And this is pussy that’s never been touched. She’s all mine to play with. To fuck. To break. To train. She’ll be my own personal whore by the time I’m done with her.

My glassy, blue eyes search her face. I half expect her to shove me away, and I’m so drunk I wouldn’t be able to fight back on it. But she doesn’t. Instead, her eyes find mine. That’s it, be strong baby girl. I like the tough girl act.

“Baby, you’re going to be crawling on your hands and knees begging for me to touch you. To kiss you. To please you. You can act like you hate me now, Lord knows I can’t stand you. But even I can admit, you’re fucking gorgeous. And I know you find me somewhat attractive.” I pause, placing my lips on the sensitive skin of her neck and leaving soft kisses, making her hiss in a breath. “I know this isn’t what either one of us wanted, but we have no choice… Why not enjoy the game?”

Her beautiful eyes narrow into slits and her lips thin. She blinks a few times before slapping my hands from her face. I stumble back a little, but catch myself on the bar, giving her a slow smirk.

“Fuck you, Rafe!” She hisses before grabbing her purse and storming off to the locker rooms.

I smile to myself as I watch her storm off. She’s mad now, but I meant what I said. She’ll be begging for more after I finally touch her. She can pretend now, and I’m not saying I’m falling for her. But Topper was right. She’s hot. Might as well enjoy the game and the perks, right? Letting out a small laugh, I turn and make my way back toward my friends, adjusting my hard cock that’s straining against my pants in the process. This is going to be fun.

RAFE TAGLIST: @rafeism @thelomlisrafecameron @rafegirly @f4ll-for-you @drewstarkeyslut @dilvcv @thewitchesofart @rafesgfxo @unsaidjaelinrose @abbybarnesstuff @itsmytimetoodream @thatsthewaythechrissycrumbles @r1vrsefx @yourfavborderhopper @moremaybank @rafetopia @rafemotherfuckingcameron @jade-is-jaded @lexasaurs634 @anqeliclust @presleyanswrites @carma-fanficaddict @rafescokenostril @madzzz0797 @slytherhoes @jscameron @jjsmarijuana @ijustwanttoreadlols @luversgirl @sugarcoatedstarkey @skyesthebomb @nirvanaissogood @stvrkey @vhour @emma77645 @rafeinterlude @superlegend216 @mannstarkey @spideysimpossiblegirl @redhead1180 @crgirlsworld @atorturedpoetx @carolinaxvz @maybankslover @cantstoptherecs @pradabambie @slut4ani @biggesthat3r @wearemadeofstardust @sylverdragon

[albertasunrise]

Work Wife - Five

Masterlist

Summary: Working as a Secretary at Miller & Sons Construction, you fall hopelessly in love with the eldest son Joel. What you don’t realise is that Joel’s completely in love with you too. What will it take for the two of you to realise whats’s right in front of you?

Pairing: Young Joel Miller x Reader

Warnings: Like AO3, I choose not to give any so the plot isn’t spoiled. This fic is 18+ (So… I decided I couldn’t leave this fic the way I had, before buggering off for a week… finished my book and had some time to kill in the evenings so managed to get this written 🥹… I do wanna give one warning for this particular chapter… If anyone is triggered by anything pregnancy related, read at your own risk. I apologise in advance, this chapter is pretty heavy but it will all come together I promise ♥️)

Series Masterlist - One Two Three Four

“You said yes?” Joel asked, frowning when you nodded in reply.

“Why?”

“Because we’re having a baby Joel!” You growled back

“Do you love him?”

“No, but-”

“So you’ll marry a man you don’t love because he knocked you up but won’t be with me?” He spat “You claim to be in love with me and I told you I’m in love with you but you decided that we’re no good for each other and carried on your casual relationship with Ant. Now you’re pregnant and marrying him?”

“Joel-“

“You never even gave us a chance.” He choked, hurt saturating his tone. “You never gave me a chance to fight for us.”

“We’re not good for each other Joel!” You argued and he let out an exasperated sigh as he ran his hand through his hair for what must have been the hundredth time that evening.

“How do you know?” he growled. “When we’re together, we are amazing! We make each other laugh and smile, and Sarah adores you… I know you love her.”

“It’s not that simple Joel.” You choked “I’m pregnant with another man's child!”

“And I will love it as if it were my own!” He argued, “If you give me a chance I will love you and that baby with every fibre of my being.”

“What about Ant?”

“Does he love you?” Joel asked and you shook your head.

“I don’t think so.”

“So you’re both willing to spend the rest of your lives in a loveless marriage, just because he got you pregnant?” Joel’s statement made you pause.

He was right. It wasn’t fair to either of you. Ant deserved to spend his life with a woman he loved and you deserved to marry the man of your dreams. Yet there was a baby to think about now.

“I’ll need to talk to Ant about this.” You stated plainly and Joel nodded.

“That’s all I ask.”

You both sat in a tense sort of silence for a while. Neither of you knew what to say. Joel watched you as you hugged yourself tighter, resting your chin on your knees.

“Are you happy?” He asked and you looked at him with a quizzical expression “About the baby?”

“I guess.” You replied with a shrug “I’ve always wanted to be a mum but I had hoped I’d be married first. Maybe a little older.” You paused, looking away again and fixing your gaze on something Joel couldn’t see “With the man I love.” You said quietly as silent tears started to slip down your cheeks.

“You were there for me when Sarah was thrust into my life.” He said as he stood up and made his way over to you, sitting down and pulling you into his arms “I will be here for you too! We’ll get through this together.”

“Really?” You asked, looking up at him through your lashes.

“I promise.”

You smiled at him, gave him a slight nod then rested your head on his chest. Soaking in the solid, calming presence of him.

“I’m scared Joel.” You choked, snuggling in closer to him.

“I know sweetheart.” He said softly as he placed a tender kiss on the crown of your head “But everything is gonna be okay.”

…

You didn’t go to the aquarium with Joel, but he wasn’t all that surprised. Come Monday morning you were back at your desk and putting on a brave face. Joel had promised not to mention the baby to anyone for the time being.

“I’m not going to marry Ant.” You informed him over lunch that afternoon.

“No?”

“You were right.” You confessed as you steeped your peppermint teabag in the mug in your hands, dunking the teabag in and out of the boiling water “We don’t love each other and it would be wrong to trap each other in a loveless marriage. Not fair on us or the baby.”

Joel nodded but didn’t say anything.

“He wants to be involved though. We’re going to try and work out a schedule once the baby’s arrived.”

“It’s great that he wants to be involved.” Joel piped up and you nodded and smiled in agreement.

“It’s not the way either of us wanted this to happen but there’s a baby’s coming and we’re going to love them all the same.”

“Of course you will.” Joel beamed, giving you a warm smile.

“There was something I wanted to ask you.” You confessed after a short pause.

“Shoot.”

“I booked an ultrasound. It's in a month and wondered if you would come with me?” You asked shyly, looking up at Joel through your lashes.

“Can’t Ant go?”

“He’ll be back at College by then so won’t be able to get back for it.” You answered nervously “I get it if you don’t want to come but I just thought-“

“Of course, I will come with you.” Joel stopped your rambling, placing a hand on yours “We’re in this together remember?”

“I remember.” You choked and he smiled sweetly at you.

“How far along will you be by then?” He asked and you gave him a sheepish look as you answered.

“Around 13 weeks.”

“So he knocked you up…”

“The night we went for drinks, yeah.” You confessed.

“We were a bit drunk and, apparently, not very careful.”

“Pip-“

“I know what you’re gonna say Joel and you’re right but in my defence… I was cut up over Simon and I was just looking for some meaningless rebound sex.”

“Hey, I’m not exactly one to judge.” Joel chuckled “Didn’t even know I’d gotten Eliza pregnant!”

“Was wrong of her to keep that from you.”

“It was.” He agreed “But she gave me Sarah and I wouldn’t change that for the world.”

“She’s a pretty special girl.”

“That she is.” He agreed with a grin.

“Thank you, Joel.”

“For what?” He asked with a confused smile.

“For everything.” You replied with a shrug “For talking me out of marrying a man I don’t love… for helping me keep my head.”

“You did the same for me.”

“Yeah but… I’ve made a lot of dumb fucking decisions lately. After the breakup with Simon, confessing my feelings to you and finding out you had a baby… I just kinda lost sight of shit for a while.”

“I haven’t exactly made stellar decisions either.”

“Well no but… despite me pushing you away, you’ve stuck by me and I… I’m just really glad you’re in my life.”

“I always will be.” He assured you, leaning forward in his chair “No matter what happens between us. I will always be here.”

You gave him a tearful nod and a small smile. Glad of your tea occupy your shaky hands. Things were scary and uncertain but you felt confident that Joel would stick by you no matter what and that in turn, made you wonder if not being together was the right decision after all.

…

You were just finishing giving Sarah her bottle when Joel emerged with two plates piled high with slices of pepperoni pizza.

“My hero.” You cooed at Sarah and you popped her over your shoulder and rubbed her back to coax out the burp you knew would follow. It had taken a few tries to find the best way to pull them out of her but after trying out many different techniques; back rubbing came out on top.

“How’s the sickness?” He asked as he placed your plate down on the table beside you.

“It’s, basically, completely disappeared.” You replied, “Thought it usually went on longer but I guess it can ease off sooner.”

“Have you spoken to your OB about it?”

Joel asked, trying to hide his concern at the fact your symptoms seemed to have vanished. Your scan was in a few days and you were a mixture of excited and terrified.

“I haven’t. Not had any concerning symptoms so I’m sure everything is okay.”

Joel nodded, giving you a small smile before you returned your attention to Sarah who was kicking and stomping away in her rocker you’d just placed her in.

“I am convinced she’s trying to march somewhere.” You chuckled as you placed her bottle down and picked up a slice of pizza.

“As soon as she’s able to walk we’re going to be in big trouble.’ Joel chuckled, not noticing how you had tensed at the word ‘we’.

You hadn’t spoken about the potential relationship that Joel and laid on the table a month ago. You had decided it was probably best to focus on the baby for the time being and perhaps revisit the conversation once you knew all was well.

Joel had already started to talk about how Sarah would react to a little brother or sister, and it both warmed you and terrified you in equal measure. You were thrilled to know that if you and Joel did decide to pursue a relationship with each other, he was all in with this baby. It also scared you how ready he was to take on another man's child. Would he change his mind further down the line?

He and Ant looked nothing alike which meant that when this baby was born, it wasn't going to look anything like him. Would he decide then that he didn't want to raise a child that wasn't his? You knew these thoughts were unreasonable. Joel was probably more excited about this baby than you were.

But...

That didn't stop the nagging voice in the back of your mind that told you that this man was too good to be true. Despite knowing him for several years and seeing how perfect he truly was, your hormones wanted to scare you… plant doubt in your heart.

"You're thinkin' loudly." Joel chuckled, pulling you from your thoughts.

"Just got a lot on my mind is all." You confessed. It wasn't a complete lie.

You and Ant had been speaking on the phone about him potentially moving in for a few months after the baby was born so that he could help. You knew Joel would hate that idea but you wanted to be fair to Ant. This was his baby just as much as it was yours and if he wanted to be there to help with night feeds and nappy changes then you were willing to let him.

"Wanna share with the class?" He asked and you shrugged in reply "You don't have to tell me." He said then before picking up another slice of pizza "Just know that I am here to listen. Whatever you wanna talk about."

"I know Joel." You replied with a small smile.

Sarah's screeching pulled your and Joel's attention back to her. She was grinning at the two of you and you felt like the girl knew that you loved each other. You pictured her doting over the baby growing inside of you. She'd be coming up to her first birthday by the time your little one was born. It was exciting to think about how they would grow up together. Perhaps Joel would build them a castle in the backyard so they can play and explore and expand their imaginations. When you thought about that future you saw it with Joel by your side. Perhaps a few years down the line, you may have a baby of your own. When Sarah and this little bean were a little older. It was a nice mental picture.

One that the more you thought about it, the more you yearned for it.

Perhaps it was time to revisit that conversation with Joel. He hadn't pushed you for anything. He was patient and supportive but you know it must be killing him, desperate to know how you felt about him. So you decided then and there that after your scan you would have that conversation with him. He deserved to have his mind put at ease. It was the least you could do for him.

...

Joel drove you to your appointment, his old rock playing through the speakers as Austin's streets shot past the window.

"Ant asked if he could move in with me after the baby's born." You piped up, unsure why you were bringing it up now.

"Oh?"

"It will be purely platonic." You assured him "He just wants to be there to help for the first few months. Take some of the load off."

"That seems fair."

"He's the baby's father and I feel like he deserves to be there."

"You're right." Joel's answer surprised you and you looked at him in shock, your mouth flapping as you tried to figure out what to say "If the wind changes your face'll stay like that." Joel chuckled, pulling you from your shocked state.

"You're not angry at the idea?"

"Why would I be?" Joel seemed genuinely confused.

"Just thought... Well, I assumed that you'd hate the idea."

"I get it." Joel replied, "I know if I was in his shoes with Sarah I would have wanted that option."

"So you're okay with it?"

"Do I have any right not to be?" He asked and you shrugged.

"Guess not."

"Look, we haven't made any promises to each other. Sure I hope that further down the line we might talk about us again but I understand that you have bigger things to worry about right now."

"Yeah?" You asked and he nodded.

"I will be waiting for when you're ready Pip." He stated with a smile that made your heart race "No pressure from me."

...

You were nervous as you sat in the waiting room and waited for your name to be called. Joel was a calming presence beside you. His hand holding yours and his arm resting gently against yours acting as an anchor, keeping you rooted in the choppy ocean of your mind. When your name was called you looked up at the nurse and smiled, giving her a shy wave and standing up, Joel's hand staying firmly in yours as you followed her into the examination room.

You were so nervous.

Up until this point, the only evidence you had that you were pregnant was the four pregnancy tests that you had taken. All firmly confirming that you were pregnant. You had felt foolish that you had failed to notice that you had missed a period but you had been so caught up in this whirlwind relationship with Ant that you had thought nothing of it. Now you were living with those consequences.

"So is this dad?" The nurse asked as she prepped the machine, pulling out the equipment she needed to perform the procedure.

"Just a friend." Joel replied, giving your hand a friendly squeeze.

"The father is back at College for his final year so Joel kindly came with me today." You said, "Baby wasn't exactly planned." You confessed sheepishly, pulling a chuckle from the nurse.

"They hardly ever are these days." She stated and that relaxed you. Glad that there was no judgment of your situation.

"Father to an unplanned baby, sitting right here so I can attest to that." Joel chuckled and you smiled brightly at him.

"Right well, the gel might feel a little cold so sorry in advance." She said sweetly "If you could lift your shirt and pull your trousers down a little."

You did as she bid and let out a shaky breath as you waited for her to start the examination. Holding Joel's hand tightly, you looked only at him and not the screen.

There was silence for some time. The probe slid around your pelvis, digging in at points for her, you assumed, to get a better look at your baby. When Joel's expression grew concerned, you looked over at the nurse and noted that her expression wasn't so jovial anymore.

"Are they okay?" You asked as your heart leapt into your throat.

The nurse gave you a tight smile as she said "I just need to fetch a doctor a moment."

"Why do you need a doctor?" You push and she shakes her head.

"I just want to get a second opinion before we confirm anything.

"What the fucks going on?" Joel growled and you squeezed his hand tighter, rolling your head and locking his eyes with your tearful ones.

"Just a moment." The nurse repeated as she got up from her seat and walked from the room.

It felt like an eternity before she returned with a female doctor in tow.

"I'm Doctor Sims." She said sweetly "Nurse Roberts has asked me to take a look at baby if thats okay?"

You nodded then watched as she took up the nurse's seat and resumed the examination. Hers taking a lot less time than the first. You could see it in her eyes.

It wasn't good news.

"I am so sorry to inform you that there is no heartbeat." The doctor confirmed and your heart shattered "From these scans, it appears that they stopped developing after around 8 or 9 weeks."

Around the time your morning sickness disappeared.

"We call this a silent miscarriage." The doctor continued "It's when the embryo or fetus dies but the body doesn't expel them."

A tight silence fell over the room for a while whilst you processed what the doctor was telling you. Your baby was dead.

The life you were growing that you had just started to get your head around was no longer thriving in your womb. The life you had imagined with Joel and Sarah had disappeared in a puff of smoke.

"What happens now?" Joel asked, knowing you wouldn't have the strength to ask.

"We need to give you a pill to expel the embryo." The doctor answered, trying to keep things brief upon seeing how you were silently falling apart on the examination table "To ensure we don't risk infection, we need to do this as soon as possible.

Joel nodded, squeezing your hand and dragging your gaze away from the lifeless shape on the screen.

"Pip?" He said softly and finally, you looked at him, your body numb.

"Do whatever you need to do." You said, your eyes empty of the sparkle that had been there when you first entered this room.

.

Joel pulled a blanket over your sleeping form and placed a soft kiss on your temple. After giving your permission to tell his mum what had happened, the woman offered to stay with Sarah so that he could take care of you. You stirred a little as he perched on the edge of your couch and rubbed your back affectionately.

"Will you tell him?" You asked.

"Tell who?"

"Will you tell Ant for me?" You clarified and Joel nodded in understanding.

"Anything you need." He replied as he leaned down to kiss you again.

He watched as you dosed off again. Placing his hand on your arm and giving it a few affectionate strokes with his thumb before standing and making his way to the kitchen.

Ant's number was stuck above your phone so Joel dialled it and waited for the man to answer, his stomach in knots. He didn't want to do this but he knew he needed to for you. He would tear himself apart if it made you feel even the slightest bit better at this moment in time.

"Hello?" Ant's familiar Texan drawl floated into his ear.

"Ant it's uh... It's Joel." He replied, trying to keep his voice steady.

"Hi man, what's up?" He asked, saying your name followed by "Is she okay?"

"No... she's uh... No, she's not." Joel confessed as he rested his brow against the wall beside the phone.

"What happened?" Ant's tone was definitely panicked and Joel felt sick at what he had to say next. What he had to tell this man who until this morning, he kinda hated.

"We went to the scan this morning and... Shit I'm so sorry to tell you this man but there was no heartbeat." Joel choked on those last few words.

"What?"

"Doc said the baby stopped developing." Joel explained, his voice now shaking as he told this man about how his baby was gone "They had to give her a pill to expel it so she's bleeding a lot right now."

"Is she going to be okay?"

"She'll be fine." Joel confirmed, hoping to put the man's mind at ease a little "Apparently it's common before 12 weeks." he didn't know if that brought Ant any comfort. It certainly hadn't brought you any.

"So I'm not going to be a dad?" Joel knew it was rhetorical.

"I'm so sorry man." He hoped his sincerity came across, but he was. His heart was breaking for them both.

"So am I." Ant replied, sniffing wetly before saying "Thanks for letting me know man..."

"Of course."

"Take care of her."

"Always."

Ant hung up after that. Placing the phone on its cradle he crept into the lounge and noted that you had fallen asleep again. Your cheeks and nose were raw from crying and your hair a mess as you'd tore at it earlier. All the emotions you'd not had a chance to feel coming down crashing all at once.

He wasn't sure how things were going to be. Whether you would want him or Sarah around after this. His baby would serve as a reminder of what you had lost. He wouldn't blame you if you pushed him away.

But he wasn't going to let you grieve alone.

You were in this together no matter what the outcome. He was going to get you out the other side no matter what the cost.

Next

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[lonely-ey3s]

With All My Love: Chapter 11 | crawl home to her

Chapter 11 : Crawl Home to Her

Word count: 12.6k 

Chapter Summary: Joel starts making plans for your future together, getting everything arranged to ask you a very important question. You start going to therapy with Diane and things start to feel like they are going well but when you’re forced to relive Z’s death in a session, it pushes you off the edge. You start to make strides and feel better but soon after, something happens that knocks you completely off your axis, it pushes things out with Joel’s plans to be a little longer than he’d like. 

Chapter warnings: SMUT (18+ MDNI), unprotected p in v (wrap it up ya'll), anxiety, nightmares, flashbacks of traumatic memories, mentions of PTSD anxiety, FLUFF, joel being an absolute lover, soft!joel, panic attacks, mentions of death, funeral, depression, use of Spanish and Dari but with translations, lying to partner (justified you’ll see), use of y/n. 

A/N: this chapter was inspired by hozier’s ‘work song’ which i feel screams joel and this reader. that’s all i’ll say hehe – enjoy ❣️

Dividers by: @saradika-graphics 

Main Masterlist

October 1st

Joel took the day off but didn’t tell you he had it off from work, he got up like normal and kept everything as routine as normal. However he wasn’t going into the office today, he was going to visit his mom for breakfast. 

He left the house at 7:15 am, giving you a quick kiss as you were getting ready to go on a run then left the house and headed to his mom’s place. 

He got there close to 8 am, she knew he was coming, he called her a few days ago asking if he could come over for breakfast and to talk about something important. 

Elena knew. She knew the day she met you. She knew sooner rather than later, he was going to ask for her ring to propose to you. The way Joel held you in his arms, the way he looked at you like no one else was in the room, the way you spoke about him and Sarah, she knew. Joel wasn’t very secretive about his intentions either to his mom, casually asking here and there if she still had the family heirloom or saying something about how he’d like to settle down. Especially around his mom, he held you like you hung the moon and stars, he truly worshipped the ground you graced him with, and the happiness and warmth he had now exhibited, it was all she ever wanted for him. 

It was hard watching him with Rachelle, she never seemed devoted to him or even in love with him, just the idea of him. She also hated how she treated him after finding out she was pregnant, like it was only Joel’s fault, holding him solely responsible for something they both took part in.

Joel changed after she told him she was pregnant, he closed himself off, emotionally especially. After trying so hard to love someone who didn’t love you back but then feel tied to that person for the next 18 years, it was one of the worst kinds of pains you could watch your child go through.

If Elena was being honest, when Rachelle left, it was somewhat of a relief. She knew that it would be hard on her son, but she never doubted Joel as a dad to Sarah. She knew he’d do what he needed to raise and love Sarah, that was clear. But what she was scared about was Joel being trapped in a loveless relationship when he had so much to offer and he deserved it back. To know and see how he felt with you, to her, it was all a mother could dream for her child. 

She had breakfast cooking when he gently knocked on the front door before walking in, he was dressed in a nice button down and jeans, hair combed nicely as he had to put on the charade that he was dressing to go to work for you. 

“Buenos dias mama…” he smiled and came up to her at the stove and kissed her cheek. 

“Hola mi amor…” she smiled and nodded for him to sit, “Tengo café listo para ti en la cafetera.” (I have coffee ready for you in the pot.)

Joel smiled and thanked her, grabbing a mug from her cupboard and pouring himself a mug. 

“How is your morning so far? How’s Y/N?” she looked back at Joel briefly as she started to plate up the breakfast she had made them, which was pincho de tortilla, one of his favorites. 

Joel smiled and leaned against her counter, taking a sip of the coffee, humming, “It was good, she’s well, started talking to a therapist, which she said has been helping with the anxiety and nightmares.” he smiled and looked down at his coffee.

She tsked and nodded towards the table, “Sentémonos y hablemos… comamos.” (Let us sit down and talk… eat.) She grabbed the two plates of food and walked over to the small table she had around her island in the corner of her kitchen. 

Joel followed and pulled her chair out for her, she sat and smiled, thanking him. He kissed her cheek gently and touched her shoulder, “Cualquier cosa para ti mamá” (Anything for you mama)

When Joel sat down she looked at him and smiled, studying him, “It’s so nice to see that warmth back in you, mi armor.” she touched his hand softly, “I missed seeing your alma…” (Soul, spirit, heart) 

Joel looked up at his mom and warmly smiled, “Mama… I wanted to talk to you about…” 

Before he could get the rest of his sentence out she pulled a small blue ring box out of her apron and set it in front of him, “¿Supongo que estás aquí por esto? Le pedirás que se case contigo, ¿sí?” (I assume you are here about this? You will ask her to marry you, yes?) 

Joel chuckled looking at the box and teared up, nodding, “Yes mama, but I also came for your blessing.” he looked back up at her.

She tsked and shook his hand, tears falling down her cheeks as she smiled, “Mientras seas feliz, siempre tendrás mi bendición. Ella te hace brillar mi amor, te hace calentar!” (As long as you are happy, you will always have my blessing. She makes you shine my love, makes you warm!)

Joel picked up the box and opened it to reveal his grandmother’s ring which was passed onto his mother that was now either his or Tommy’s, whichever got to it first. It was a marquise-cut diamond in the center with two others to the side and then smaller diamonds around it. It was perfect. He took it out and held it in his fingers, tears streaming down his face, imagining him asking you, thinking about your reaction. 

“She’s going to love it, mi vida.” she said softly, looking at the ring with him. 

He nodded and cleared his throat, putting it back into the box and closing it, wiping his eyes, chuckling as he blushed. 

“So… when will this be happening?” she took a bite of her food and looked at him, probing. 

He chuckled and smiled, “I was going to ask her during the holidays but I can’t wait, something just feels right… waiting would…. hazme volverme loco…” (make me go crazy) He scoffed and chuckled lightly before smiling warmly, “...I have a few ideas but need to get this resized first then I’ll know when exactly…” he smiled down at the box, “But soon, as soon as I can.” he looked at her and brightly smiled. 

Elena chuckled, “Come cariño, hace frío.” (Eat my darling, it’s getting cold) She shook her head as she smiled and then took his hand and gently squeezed it. 

Joel left his mom’s a few hours later; he helped her with a few things around the house.

He drove back and went to watch Sarah practice soccer on the field after school, something he never had time for since most days he worked well past dinner time. He wasn’t the only person watching, but for Sarah, it was the first time in a long time she saw him on the sidelines during practice. 

Sarah came up to him when it was over, backpack and duffle bag over her shoulders, “Hey Dad, everything ok?” she said out of breath. 

He nodded and smiled, reaching to take both and carry them for her, “Yeah, I just wanted to talk to you about something before you got home.” 

Sarah stopped walking, “Whatever you were told I did, I didn’t do unless you have video evidence, which in that case I need to have my lawyer present.” she joked. 

Joel chuckled and nodded at her, “Come on… you weirdo. You aren’t in trouble.” 

She smiled and caught up with him, “Well then what is it?” she prodded. 

Joel smiled, “Let’s get into the truck first.” 

He opened his truck door for her and she got in, he tossed her bags in the bed of the truck and then went into the driver's side, shutting the door. 

Sarah adjusted in her seat to face him, tucking her foot under her thigh, hands in her lap, “Ok, what’s going on… you’re being oddly hush-hush…” Then she gasped, “Oh my god, am I going to be a big sister?!” she nearly shouted. 

Joel chuckled and shook his head, “No, well not yet, no. But I wanted to talk to you about a step I’d like to take with Y/N before that happens…” 

She looked at him with disgust, “Dad, I thought you guys were already doing that stuff… why do you need to consult with me about that?” 

Joel turned red and shook his hands in front of him, “Oh god, no. I uhm… sorry wrong way to have phrased that, god. No, propose, I want to ask her to marry me.” she blurted out, flustered. 

Sarah turned her head and smiled, “Wait what? You’re going to ask her to marry you?” 

Joel swallowed, “Well, that’s what I want to talk to you about. How does that make you feel? Is that something you’re ok with?” he looked down at his hands, nervous. 

Sarah chuckled like she thought he was messing with her, “You’re kidding right?” 

He looked at her with those puppy eyes he has and she realized he was serious, “Oh, Dad… I’d be so proud and happy if you two got married. I think she would be overjoyed if you were to ask! You make each other so happy and take care of each other… I… anyone with two eyes can see you’re perfect for each other.” she smiled softly. 

“You don’t think it’d be too quick? Like I’m moving too fast?” he leaned forward, messing with his cuticle. 

She shook her head and smiled softly, “Proposing at the airport would have been too fast, but now? No… when you find the one, you… just… know. And Dad, you know she’s the right one.” 

Joel nodded and smiled warmly, still messing with his cuticle, “Do you think she’s ready for that step?” 

Sarah chuckled, “Dad, she’d marry you tomorrow if you asked.” 

Joel looked up at Sarah and smiled, blushing lightly at that thought. 

“Point is, she loves you and you love her.” she looked down at her hands and cleared her throat, “When are you gonna do it?” she looked up and grinned, wanting to know details. 

Joel chuckled, “I need to know how long it’ll take to get the ring resized and then it’ll be after that.” he smiled.

Sarah perked up, “You’ve already got a ring? What the heck! You didn’t take me with you!” she nudged him, offended. 

Joel laughed lightly and leaned forward, getting into his pocket and pulling out the ring box, handing it to Sarah, “It’s an heirloom baby girl, I got it from Abuelita today.” he blushed a little, everything was coming together. 

Sarah opened the box and gasped, “Holy shit.” 

Joel chuckled, “Language.” 

Sarah giggled, “Sorry but that’s my thought! This is… dad it’s beautiful. She’s going to love it.” she looked up at her dad and had tears in her eyes, “You’re getting married…” 

Joel smiled and then pulled her in for a hug, “Oh don’t cry, sweet pea.” he chuckled as he rubbed her back. 

Sarah pulled away and wiped her tears, taking a deep breath, “I’m a horrible secret keeper, I don’t know how I’m not going to say anything…” She chuckled and looked back down at the ring, “Do Tommy and Maria know?” she looked up, hopeful. 

He shook his head, “Abuelita was only the first because she had the ring, you know before Tommy if that’s what you’re worried about.” he laughed softly knowing Sarah and Tommy were always competitive in knowing things first as they were both equally close to Joel. 

Sarah chuckled, “Suck on that Reginald.” she muttered to herself. 

“Let’s get you home so she doesn’t suspect anything and then I’ll go to Tommy’s and tell them and be ‘home’ around my normal time…” he winked. 

Sarah nodded and buckled up, giving him back the ring box, “Sounds good. I’ll lock myself in my room with a ‘project’ until you get home…” she giggled, excitedly.

Joel took Sarah home and dropped her off down the street so you wouldn’t hear his truck then went to Tommy’s. 

Joel pulled into Tommy’s and before he could even get out of the truck Tommy was out on the porch, “What’s wrong? You weren’t at work today…” 

Joel just chuckled and smiled, “Is Maria home?” he hiked up the steps and gently grabbed his brother by the shoulder to pull him inside with him. 

“Yeah, she’s just makin’ somethin’ to eat, why? Where’s Y?N?” Tommy pressed. 

It was rare for Joel to take a full day off work. But for him to take a full day off and then show up at Tommy’s with a smile and pep to his step, Tommy didn’t know what the hell to think. 

Maria had some light country music playing in the kitchen as she cooked something on the stove, “Hey Joel…” she then snapped her head towards him, “What’s wrong?” instant concern flooding her face. 

Joel chuckled, “Will you two just calm down? Nothing is wrong.” 

Maria set the spatula down that she was using to break up some hamburger meat in a skillet, “If nothing is wrong, then why are you here, and why did Tommy say that you weren’t at work today?” 

Joel sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose, “Ay dios mío…” he reached into his pocket, pulled out the ring box, and set it on the counter for Maria and Tommy to both see, “This is why…” 

Both of them froze and then looked at each other, before looking at Joel and then looking back at the ring box. 

“Is that what I think it is?” Maria grinned, tearing up a little. 

“You bastard…” Tommy chuckled and grabbed the box, opening it. 

“Sorry, I beat you to it, but yes. It’s what you think.” Joel shyly sat down at the table. 

Maria squealed and jumped, running over and hugging Joel, almost knocking him off the damn chair. 

He laughed and held her, hugging her tightly back. 

“When? Where? I need to know everything!” Maria sat down in front of him, a greasy spatula in her hand. 

Joel chuckled looking at her, “Soon. I need to resize the ring first, but it’ll be within the month. I have a few ideas that I’m tossing in my head, I just… I want everything to be perfect.” He smiled softly. 

Tommy smiled and looked at the ring closer, “How did Mama take the news?” he looked at Joel. 

Joel softly chuckled, “She put the ring in front of me before I could even ask for it…” he blushed, “She told me as long as I was happy, that’s all she wanted.” 

Tommy brought the ring box over and let Maria see it, “Joel, it’s beautiful… she’s going to go crazy.” 

Maria teared up, looking down at it, “Ugh, I’m so happy for you two…” she started crying. 

Joel smiled, “I may need your help with some distractions at some point, would that be ok?” he looked at Maria. 

“Are you kidding? My lips are sealed! Whatever you need, I’ll do!” she laughed through the tears, frantically wiping them, “My best friend is getting married!” 

Joel chuckled and knelt in front of her and pulled her in for a hug, “Thank you for all you’ve done for her, and for making her damn stubborn ass write me those letters, without you, this wouldn’t have been possible. Thank you.” he held onto her tightly. 

Tommy gently took the spatula from her grasp and took care of what she left at the stove as she hugged Joel. 

She nodded, “Does this mean you're going to name your kids after me?” she teased and pulled away. 

Joel chuckled, “I’m sure you’ll be in the running.” 

Maria chuckled and then held his face in her hands and smiled, “Oh, Joel, I’m so happy for you. You deserve this.” she pulled him in for another hug. 

Joel held onto her a little longer that time, feeling for the first time in a very long time that he truly had everything he needed. He was a blessed man. 

Maria slowly pulled away, “You want to stay for dinner?” she smiled, “It’s nothin’ fancy, just taco salad…” 

Joel stood and gently took the ring box from the table, closing it up, and smiling, “I actually need to make it home. If I’m not home soon she’ll suspect something might be up.” he looked up and sniffed softly, wiping his eyes. 

Tommy smiled and put the spatula down then came over and hugged his brother tightly, “Congrats, I’m so happy for you both.” he patted Joel’s back and smiled as he pulled away. 

Joel smiled and told them he would keep them posted then left theirs. 

He ran by the store and grabbed some flowers for you before heading home trying to ask like the best thing just happened today, he got the ring to propose to you. 

He opened the front door to the sweet smell of what he could deduce was something that had been cooking all day, “Hey baby, I’m home.” he said loud enough to be heard through the house. 

You peeked your head from the kitchen, “In here!” and then disappeared to do what you were doing. 

He smiled and put the ring box in his work bag before taking off his boots and coming up from behind you, “Mi vida…” he wrapped his arm around your waist from behind and kissed your cheek, making you smile and giggle.

“Hello, my love…” you touched his hand around your waist and kept working at stirring some gravy on the stove, “Dinner will be ready in about 5 minutes…” 

He smiled and kissed your shoulder softly, humming, “Take your time, we are in no rush.” he rocked you a little from side to side. 

You smiled and turned your head and did a dramatic sigh, “My my, are those for me?” you said in a small British accent, clutching your imaginary pearls, looking at the flowers he had in his hand. 

He smiled and nodded, chuckling at your humor, “They are, I missed you too much today to come home empty-handed…” he leaned in and gently kissed your cheek. 

You blushed and set the whisk down to turn in his grasp to gently pull him close by his button-up and kiss him gently. 

He put his hand on your cheek gently and continued to kiss you, softly and slowly. 

Sarah came down the stairs and gasped seeing the flowers, thinking it had happened, and covered her mouth excitedly, bouncing up and down on the balls of her feet. 

Joel pulled away from your lips and turned to see her reaction, you chuckled and looked at her, “You good sweets, what’s earned that reaction?” 

Joel’s eyes widened and he looked at her telepathically telling her ‘It didn’t happen, it’s just flowers.’, barely shook his head to signal to her. 

She looked at you and then smiled, lying through her teeth, “Uhhm oh! My gosh I just saw that you cooked roast! I’m so excited!” she opened the lid that had the roast inside it and took a whiff, “Mmm! Delicious!” she smiled brightly. 

You looked at her confused, she never got this excited about the roast and you’ve cooked it before for them, “Ok? Never got that reaction outta you for a roast but I’ll let it slide…” You chuckled then took the gravy off the stove and started walking towards the front door. 

Joel swatted at Sarah, whispering, “You almost ruined it!” he smiled, knowing she didn’t mean to, she’s just excited. 

Joel put the flowers in the sink and then went to follow you. He turned around the corner when he saw you reached down to grab his work bag and he jumped at you going to open the bag, but you pulled away, smiling, clueless. 

“Woah! Whatcha doin’ darlin’?” internally panicking, you could not get into that bag. 

You giggled, looking up at him, “I’m just getting your lunch bag out, silly!” You went to open it again. 

‘Fuck fuck FUCK!’ was all he could think so he blurted out, “I left it at work.” 

Sarah peeked around and knew exactly why her dad was being weird about the bag, she started thinking, ‘Shit she has the bag. She can’t have the bag. Crap!’ 

You looked up at him and chuckled, then looked between the two of them, both smiling a little too widely, looking guilty, you narrowed your eyes and pursed your lips, “Ya’ll are jumpy and acting weird, what’s going on?” 

Joel shook his head and chuckled, “Nothing is going on… we aren’t being weird. Right, Sarah?” 

Sarah nodded and came over and chuckled forcefully, “Right, this is our normal not weird at all selves.” he nudged your arm gently with her fist, trying to act casually, but it backfired as you read right through it. 

You watched as her fist nudged you and then clocked Joel with your gaze, testing him, “Cool, ok. So then what’s in the bag?” you tilted your head. 

He had every damn red alarm and code red going off in his head, heart racing, palms sweaty, he was panicking but on the outside, he kept it together, looked cool as a cucumber, “Nothin’ just contracts and work stuff sweetheart.” he smiled. 

You looked at Sarah and she swallowed, she was horrible at lying and even worse at keeping secrets. However, she was easy to crack as well and you knew that, you grinned, “If there’s nothing in the bag, then why are you so nervous sweets?” 

“Nervous? I’m not nervous… you’re nervous…” she chuckled, putting her hands up defensively. 

“Sarah Elena Miller, what is going on?” you chuckled. 

She knew she couldn’t tell you the truth, but she needed to get you off this damn bag so she took one for the team and for the first time lied straight through her teeth. She took a breath and sighed heavily for dramatics, “Fine…” she looked at Joel who looked like he was going to crack for a split second before she rambled, “I kissed a boy… and we got caught behind the bleachers by the stupid assistant principal. Dad picked me up from school early today because I got called into the principal’s office due to breaking ‘school conduct’...” she rolled her eyes and used air quotes, “...and there’s a write-up in dad’s bag…” she looked at the bag and pointed, “One that he promised he wouldn’t show you because I didn’t want you to know… because you’re gonna get all… mom-ish about it…” 

You dropped the bag and opened your arms, smiling, “You kissed a boy!?” you giggled, “Come here!” you hugged her tightly. Joel quickly swept in and grabbed the bag, getting the ring out and putting it in his back pocket quickly. 

Sarah looked at Joel while hugging you and glared, mouthing ‘You owe me’. 

Joel nodded and mouthed back, ‘Thank you’. 

You pulled back, “Tell me everything!” you dragged her to the kitchen, now wrapped up in this lie. 

Joel took this opportunity to run upstairs and put the ring in his lock box under the bed which had his gun and some spare cash before quickly making it back down in hopes you didn’t see him disappear upstairs. 

Sarah made up some scenario about her and some boy in chemistry, kept it brief but indulged you with small details. 

It was a small price for Sarah to pay to keep the big picture alive for her Dad which is all she wanted. 

2 weeks later 

You had been going to therapy once a week and meeting with Diane at her office downtown ever since that dinner with Joel and his coworkers. For the most part, it had been helping with the nightmares and coping with moments of anxiety. 

However, since your last session a couple of days ago, you guys touched on Z’s death and went over the events that led up to it. She had you recount certain key details that she attempted to guide you in knowing and understanding there was nothing you could have done to avoid what happened. It helped you understand that you weren’t responsible for his death but the flashbacks and recounts of what happened made it hard to sleep or relax the last few days. 

You shot up out of a dead sleep and gasped, panting hard as you had been taken back to being in that chokehold that you swear is the reason Z is dead. You were shaking, unable to associate where you were in some way, staring into the distance as past trauma flooded your mind. It was like you were right back there. You weren’t in bed, you were back in the middle of that street.   

Joel turned in his sleep and went to reach for you, and felt you weren’t there. He opened his eyes and saw you sitting up, your chest heaving and eyes wide open, “Baby?” he gently went to touch you, but the second his hand touched your back, you jolted out of fear and moved away from him, off the bed, “No! no…” you said loudly, you grabbed a pillow from the floor to put distance between you two, your hands shaking, eyes filled with fear, you weren’t there, you were reliving something. 

He sat up, instantly realizing what you were experiencing, Diane warned him this might happen, and held his hands out defensively, “Hey, it’s me…” he spoke softly and calmly. He got up off the bed and held his hands up for you to see, “Baby, it’s me...” he cooed, “You’re safe. You are with me at our home.” he started to walk towards you.

You backed up into a corner and held the pillow out, “D-don’t… don’t move…” 

He nodded, “Ok… I’m going to stay right here…” he continued to speak softly. “Can you take a deep breath with me?” he took a deep breath through his nose, watching for you to do it with him, you weren’t there, your eyes were somewhere else. 

You shook your head, “Stop.. stop!” and began panting quickly through your nose, you put your hand on your chest instinctually. 

“Where… where is it…” Your eyes moved around the room, analyzing the surroundings, mentally calculating every component, “Where is it…” you questioned, jaw clenched, looking for something specific. 

“Where’s what sweetheart?” Joel asked, softly, trying to follow your eyes. 

“Where is it?” you fell to the floor and started frantically looking for something on the floor. “Where is it…” you repeated, patting the floor to find something. 

Joel went to move from that spot he was at to come by you and help, but you immediately shot up and stood, “Ja nakon!” (Don’t move in Dari), you shouted twice, pointing at him to get back to where he was. 

He nodded, he rarely heard you speak Dari, this was bad, so he went back, “Ok. I won’t… I won’t move.” he watched as you dragged your bag out from under the bed, tearing through it, not finding what you needed. 

“I can help… what are you looking for, I can help you…” he pleaded, looking at you panicking at what you couldn’t find, wanting nothing more than to help you through this. 

You stood and started digging through the dresser, frantically looking through clothes, tears now streaming down your cheeks, “M-my necklace…” you began to sob, and began hyperventilating, knees giving out on you, sliding down the dresser, “Fuck… fuck…” you grabbed your shirt over your chest and closed your eyes, trying to breathe. 

“Necklace?” he perked up, “Baby, it’s in the bathroom… you take it off at night.” he watched you fall to your knees and went to move but then remembered what Diane had told him. She said to do exactly as you said when you had these episodes as you could turn violent, unable to know the difference between memories and reality, but this, this was you being weighed down by what you had no control over, you couldn’t move, you didn’t know where you were and he could help. 

“Fuck it.” he rolled over the bed and went into the bathroom, grabbing the necklace he gave you, which was in a jewelry dish you found thrifting with all your earrings and rings you would wear, he came out then slowly walked over to you, “Here… look… I found it…” he was careful not to touch you but came to your side and opened his hand, showing you the necklace in his palm. 

You opened your eyes, and your breathing started to slow down, you instantly were surrounded by his scent from his cologne, “Joel…” you breathed out quietly, then immediately leaned your head onto his chest, “My Joel…” your breathing started to calm down and you started to cry softly, “I’m sorry… I’m so sorry…” you curled into him. 

He immediately wrapped you in his arms, “Shhh… you’re safe.” he kissed your head, “I got you.” 

You gripped onto his arm, repeating how sorry you were. 

He just kept kissing your head and holding you, no need to acknowledge the apologies, as you had nothing to be sorry for in his eyes. 

He hummed softly the song you and he danced to in the bathroom your first night here which you had deemed your’s and his song. It instantly put you to sleep in his arms, against his chest. 

He slowly picked you up and put the both of you into bed, holding you close against his chest so you could hear his heartbeat, he kept you that way all through the night. 

—

At 4:45 am your alarm went off to go on your run. You leaned over and turned it off and sighed, blinking your eyes open as you lay on your back, exhausted from last night's events. 

“You can always skip it…” Joel turned on his side and kissed your shoulder, then took your hand in his and kissed it as well. 

You smiled softly, “Routine is important to maintain…” you looked over at him, “That’s important now after what happened last night…” you sadly said, taking your other hand and combing your fingers through his hair softly, looking at his features. 

He smirked, looking at your lips, “Can we add something else to your routine then?” he kissed your shoulder again, then moved to settle himself in between your legs, moving his lips to kiss up to your neck. 

You chuckled, biting your lip, “Baby… you try this every time I go on a run, and what happens?” 

He grinned and slowly ran his hand up your thigh to take your hand in his then took your other hand with his other hand, putting them above your head, holding your wrists, effectively trapping you under him. He leans down and whispers in your ear as he starts to grind his hardened cock against your core, “I observe and I adapt.” he nibbles on your earlobe earning a soft moan from you. 

“You need your hands when it comes to getting out from under me, I took care of that.” he growled into your neck as he started kissing your pulse point and jawline. 

Your hips involuntarily bucked against his and you moaned softly as he began sucking on that soft spot under your ear, teasing it with the tip of his tongue. 

He hummed and held your hands in one of his, slowly moving the other between your bodies as he heard you heavily pant, cursing under your breath, “Fuck Joel…” 

“I know baby…” he kissed down your neck to your chest and collarbones before moving his hips back to take himself out of his boxers and line up with your entrance that was already weeping for him. “Do me a favor and open your legs a little wider for me, mi vida…” 

You opened your legs, letting your knees almost touch the mattress, fully open for him, he groaned, “God you look so good like this…” he notched himself at your entrance “But you feel even better…” he then looked up at you before slowly sinking himself into you, causing your breath to hitch and his to quicken as the sudden warmth pulled him in, earning a deep groan from him. 

Your head went up and back against your pillow, pussy fluttering as he continued to bury himself inside you, whispering as you weren’t sure if Sarah had gotten up for soccer practice yet, “Fuck, keep going…” you begged. 

Joel moved his hand to bring your left thigh up to open you up further for him, earning a small whimper from you, eyebrows pinched, chest heaving, taking a deep breath, “God I…” you let out a breath to avoid moaning. 

Joel knew what you were doing and took that as a challenge, “Not moaning for me baby?” he lightly panted as he moved to your leg was now against his chest, and your calf and foot were now over his shoulder as he used himself to push against you; opening you wide as you could. 

He kissed your inner thigh and knee, “We’ll see about that…” and then began thrusting deeply and slowly in and out of you, from base to tip, over and over, slowly building in speed with each repetition. 

He kept your hands above your head, feeling you slowly crumble beneath him from how your hands started to fight against him, and your head slowly began rolling to moan into your arm near your head. 

He groaned softly, “Eyes on me, mi amor, I can feel your close…” he felt you grip his cock, and begin to roll your hips with him, eager for release. 

Your breath quickened and became heavy, “I want to touch you…” your eyes traveled up to your hands and then back to his eyes, “Please…” you pleaded. 

He nodded, bringing his hand down to cup your cheek and leaned in, capturing your lips in his and slowly kissing you, your hands grabbing onto his bicep and shoulder, moaning against his lips as you came shortly after, your legs shaking against him. 

He pulled away from your lips and put his forehead against yours, stroking your cheek softly as he whispered, “Eres el amor de mi vida” (You are the love of my life) 

You moved your hand from his shoulder to his cheek then into his hair, pulling him close to you, looking into his eyes lovingly, whispering, “Eres mi todo…” (You are my everything)

You leaned your head up to capture his lips in yours and kiss him deeply, both of you panting as he sped up his thrusts, rocking the bed as he rocked into your hips, you moaned against his lips, close again to release, this time feeling like a wave was about to crash, pulling his hair to keep him close, addicted to his lips on yours, probing your tongue into his mouth, deepening the kiss. 

Joel’s hand flew to hold onto the headboard above you as he continued to grind into you, feeling that familiar pull in his naval, warmth starting to spread down his spine, he mumbled against your lips, “Fuck…” before his hips snapped into you, grunting and spilling himself inside of you, earning a tight flutter around him as you came as well, gripping onto his shoulder, moaning his name against his lips as his hips slowed down, his breath shaky against your lips. 

You hummed and combed through his hair, slowing your kisses down, lips leaving him to kiss down his jaw and neck, gently kissing those places, “That’s one way to get my pre-workout…” 

Joel slowly pulled out, hissing as he fell onto his back, chest heaving, a light layer of sweat coating his skin, eyes dizzy and drunk from the high he just had. 

You looked over at him and kissed his shoulder as you leaned over, “Get some more sleep before work, my love…” you chuckled softly before getting up to clean up and get dressed. 

By the time you came back into the bedroom dressed in a hoodie and leggings, he was passed out, asleep. You chuckled quietly and combed his hair back gently, kissing his forehead before leaving to go on your run. 

You came home an hour later, sore and muscles feeling exhausted, it was exactly what you needed. 

You saw no one had been up yet so you decided to start making breakfast. 

After last night you wanted to do something for Joel so you wrote him a letter, something you two hadn’t done for each other in a while since you’d been home, and put some lipstick on to put kiss marks all over it after you had finished writing it. 

You saw Maria had done it once with a letter of Tommy’s and never got the chance to do it yourself.

You also found a keychain that said ‘Drive safe cowboy’ and your initial and a cowboy hat charm on it the other day at a gas station, you couldn’t help but get it for him. 

You put it in the envelope along with the letter, then went over to Joel’s bag by the front door and, put it in the main pocket so he could see it when he got to work. 

You had pancakes, eggs, and toast ready when you saw the clock and no one was up, you jogged upstairs and knocked on Sarah’s door before opening it, “Sweets time to get up, it’s 6:30…” she groaned and smiled, nodding before she sat up and stretched. 

You went down the hall and knocked on the bedroom door, peeking in, “Hey sleepy head, it’s time to get up, breakfast is going to get cold.” 

Joel shot up and looked back at you, “Come ‘ere…” he sleepily said. 

You chuckled, “Nope, not fallin’ for that cowboy. You want me, I’ll be in the kitchen.” you closed the door lightly and went back downstairs. 

Both were downstairs fully dressed within the next 20 minutes. You had your laptop out on the table and were messaging Reggie back and forth lately in the mornings, checking in on him. 

You made Sarah a plate and gave it to her when she came down, “Mornin’ sweets… your soccer gear is folded and in your duffle bag, I washed last night for you. Also, you left your chemistry book out, I put it in your book bag.” you smiled at her. 

She took the plate and smiled, “Thank you…” 

You nodded and handed Joel his plate, “Mornin’ sweetheart… your lunch is in your bag, and the calendar says you have a meeting with Ross and Associates at 7:30… do you want a to-go coffee as well since you won’t be able to stop for one?” 

He put his plate down and shook his head, cupping your cheek with his hand, “Kiss me first then I’ll give you my answer mi cielo…” (my heaven/sky)

Sarah rolled her eyes and groaned, turning around with her plate, and eating some eggs, “First let me avert my innocent eyes…” 

You chuckled and then leaned up and kissed him gently once then slowly and deeply another before pulling away, keeping your eyes closed, leaning into his hand. 

He smiled and gently rubbed your cheek with his thumb, “To go coffee would be nice, thank you…” he leaned back in and kissed you again, this time deeply and sliding his tongue against your lips, you blushed and kissed him back a few times before Sarah cleared her throat. 

“Ya’ll done sucking face?” she said with her back still to you. 

You giggled and pulled away, gently touching his cheek, “Eh, for now…” you winked up at him then handed him his plate again. 

He smiled and bit his lip, pecking your lips once more before going to sit at the table. 

There was an alert from your computer, it was from Reggie, “Baby can you tell me what Reggie said?” 

You went to the cupboard and grabbed a travel thermos, filling it with coffee for Joel. 

Joel pulled your laptop over and clicked on the message, reading it, “He said he’s going on assignment for a few days, something super easy, he said he’s going to Delta 22?” he looked up at you. 

You nodded, “Oh they must just need extra hands, but they have horrible service there.” you shrugged, nothing to worry about. “Will you tell him ‘thank you for letting me know’ and to call me when he gets back?” you smiled over at Joel, making yourself a plate of breakfast. 

Joel smiled at you and nodded, typing out a message and then sending it to him. 

You came over and sat by him, closing your laptop seeing Reggie had gone offline, “Here’s your coffee…” You put the thermos by his plate. 

He leaned over and kissed your cheek, “Thank you for all you do, cada diํa te quiero mas” (Each day I love you more)

You blushed and began eating your breakfast. 

Before you knew it they were both out of the door, leaving you to your own devices which consisted of applying for jobs and cleaning small things around the house. 

Joel got to work and knew he was going to propose next weekend. He had a few more things to line up, but for the most part, everyone knew and was all super excited now, knowing an exact date and how he was going to do it. The meeting he had with ‘Ross and Associates’ was actually an engagement photographer he hired to capture the moment as Maria emphasized how much you would love having it captured. He was meeting with them to outline the timeline of events and then what he wanted out of the session. 

He met with them, and everything went well, they would be at the place where he was doing everything, acting like someone randomly taking photos, but the moment he got on one knee, they’d be there to capture it all. 

He opened his bag to get into his lunch and came across the envelope with your handwriting on it. 

It was addressed to “Mi vaquero”. He smiled and eagerly opened it, seeing the keychain and letter, he immediately put the keychain on his key ring and then opened the letter, leaning back into his chair as he read: 

Joel,  I wanted to get back into the habit of how we started, writing you letters. I miss it. I sometimes crave opening the mailbox and seeing a letter from you, it brought me so much joy and happiness seeing you wrote me. I can’t believe sometimes that’s how we started, by a simple letter. Crazy right? I wanted to thank you for how patient and kind you’ve been with me since coming home. I know it’s not easy with my nightmares and trauma, I can see the fear and anxiety in your eyes - and I just wanted to thank you for how you take care of me and love me.  I also wanted to tell you that since being home I’ve had an amazing time with you. I wake up every day and eres la razón por la que sonrío todos los días. (You are the reason I smile every day) I see my whole life with you and Sarah, I love you both so much and enjoy our life together.  Sarah called me mom at her tryouts, and I don’t know if it was on accident or purpose but I can’t begin to tell you how happy that made me feel. You two are my family, my everything.  Let’s get back into the letter writing, please?  With all my love,  Y/N’

Joel smiled at the part you said about Sarah calling you mom. He knew she wanted you to be a mom figure to her, but it warmed his heart to know she may already be calling you ‘mom’. 

He loved the kiss marks around the letter, a nice little new touch to the letters. He would definitely be leaving your letters more often around the house and now had an idea to add to the proposal. 

2 days later

Sarah got home from school around 4 pm and found the house completely dark, with windows closed, and lights off, it was weird, something was off. 

She called out for you, no answer. 

She walked upstairs and saw the bedroom door was closed, she knocked on it softly, “Y/N… you in there?” she opened the door, and you were curled up in bed, tissue box by the bed, it was completely dark. 

You didn’t answer. 

Sarah stepped in, “Hey… you ok?” 

She came around and gently touched your shoulder, you sniffed, your eyes were red and bloodshot, from crying, “Y/N… what’s wrong?” she asked concerned.

“Reggie…” you swallowed, looking at the wall across from you, “He’s dead.” you put the covers over your head and softly started to cry again. 

Sarah sadly sighed, “I'm so sorry..." she rubbed your back softly with her thumb, "Do you want me to come lay with you or do you need to be alone?” 

“You can stay, but if you need to go, I understand.” you said softly. 

Sarah nodded, “I just need to go put my book bag away, I’ll be back ok?” 

You nodded, staying under the covers as tears poured from your eyes.

Sarah left the room and went downstairs, immediately calling Joel. 

He picked up, smiling, “Hey sweet pea.” 

“Dad, can you come home?” Sarah asked biting her nail. 

Joel’s tone immediately changed, “Sarah, what’s wrong?” 

“Reggie… she said he’s dead. Dad, it’s bad. She’s in bed, I came home to the whole house dark, she’s… please, I don’t know what to do... I...” Sarah tearing up. 

“Does Maria know?” he grabbed his keys and started jogging to his truck. 

“I don’t know, I doubt it. Can you call Tommy? I’m going to go lay with her til you get home.” she started walking up the stairs. 

“Ok yeah, I'll call him. I’ll be home soon. I love you. Thank you for calling me.” 

“I love you too, see you soon.” she hung up and ran up the stairs, coming into the room and closing the door behind her, getting into the sheets, and laying on her side to face you, she gently took your hand. 

You cried softly and held onto her hand, “They called this morning…” you sniffed, “I was his contact on his papers…” you closed your eyes and swallowed, trying to calm your breathing down. 

Sarah moved closer, whispering, “I’m so sorry…” She put her other hand on your arm and gently rubbed it, trying to offer comfort. 

You chuckled sadly, “I have a whole fucking funeral to plan, I don’t even know where to start!” you choked up, “He… he has no family he said, but there’s gotta be someone out there, right? He couldn’t have been all alone…” 

Sarah nodded, “I’ll help you, we can search for his family on the internet. I’ll help tonight.” she smiled sadly, “Dad can help you plan the funeral… we... we will help.” she squeezed your hand, “We are here for you.” 

You nodded, and let out a shaky breath, “You went down and called Dad, didn’t you?” you chuckled. 

Sarah looked at your hands shyly, “Is that ok?” 

You nodded and smiled, tears continuing to stream down your cheeks, “I didn’t have the energy to, I should have called him earlier but I just…” 

Sarah nodded, “You couldn’t… I get it. It’s ok.” she looked at you, “Your friend just died, it’s ok not to be ok, right?” 

You nodded and touched her cheek, “Right.” 

She leaned in to put her head closer to yours, “Can I ask you something?”

You nodded and took your hand off her cheek, putting your hand on hers that was holding your other, “Of course…” 

She shyly looked at your hands, “Was it ok that I called you mom at tryouts?” 

You chuckled and smiled through tears, “Oh thank god, I thought you didn’t mean it, like it was by accident.” 

She looked at you and giggled, “Of course I meant it!” she nudged you. 

You smiled through tears and looked at her, “Are you wondering if you can keep calling me mom?” 

Sarah looked at you and shyly looked back at your hands again, “Would that be ok?” 

You nodded, “You can call me whatever you’re comfortable with sweets.” you brushed her hair back, “If you want to call me mom all the time or some of the time or here and there, I’m perfectly happy with whatever you’re ok with.” you smiled softly. 

Sarah nodded and then moved her head to press against yours, keeping your hand in hers, tearing up, “Ok Mom.” 

You chuckled and tears kept falling, “You chose a very convenient time to make me cry as I’m already a blubbering mess!” 

She laughed softly and started to have tears fall as well, “I’ll join you!” 

You touched her cheek and smiled, “Thanks for being here, I appreciate it.” 

She nodded, “Can I ask what happened? To Reggie?” she sadly looked at you. 

“They said his plane was hit in transport. He never made it to location.” you sighed, “It happens... I mean anything can happen over there, but I just didn’t expect it to happen, you know?” 

Sarah nodded, “Was he the only one killed in action?” 

You shook your head, “Pilot and 2 other medics…” 

Sarah sighed and nodded, “I’m glad you’re home… I don’t know what we would have done if you had ever gotten hurt or died.” she looked at your hands, “It would have crushed Dad…” 

You saw her start to disconnect so you squeezed her hand, “I’m home now, and that isn’t going to happen, yeah?” 

She snapped out of it and nodded, “Right.” 

You took a breath and closed your eyes, “I don’t know how I’m going to tell Terrence... or Maria… it... it's going to crush them” and you shook your head, pinching the bridge of your nose before sobbing quietly. 

You could hear the front door open and close followed by Joel’s heavy steps up the stairs as he jogged up, he knocked on the door softly, “Sweetheart?” 

“Come in Dad…” Sarah softly called as she moved to console you by hugging you. 

Joel came into the room kneeling by the bed Sarah was on, letting you and Sarah have your space and time together. He reached over and put his hand on yours that was on Sarah’s back, offering what support he could. 

You continued to sob into Sarah’s shoulder, giving yourself a headache. 

Joel came around the bed and laid behind you, wrapping you in his arms as you hugged Sarah did from the front, kissing the back of your head and temple, whispering how sorry he was. 

You eventually fell asleep after crying what felt like hours, curled up against them, exhausted emotionally and mentally from the news. 

Joel and Sarah slipped out and headed downstairs together, Sarah looked at him, “What do we do?” 

Joel looked up at her, leaning against the counter, “She just needs support.” he looked down, “I’ll call Diane in the morning and see if she can get her in for an emergency session.” 

“I mean what are you going to do about… you know?” she wiggled her ring finger. 

Joel didn’t even think about that right now. He didn’t even think how this put a wrench in his plans, he was just so focused on you. He sighed and nodded, “I guess it’s just not the right time.” he bit the inside of his cheek, thinking. 

Sarah nodded and sighed, “Can the plan be pushed out? Maybe another week, after the funeral?” 

Joel nodded, “I’ll talk to everyone tomorrow and explain what’s going on. I’m sure it can.” he smiled softly. 

Sarah nodded then went to the fridge, “I’ll start some dinner, you wanna call Tommy? Check on Maria?” 

Joel nodded, “Order some take out, sweat pea. Don't worry about cookin'... not on a day like this.” he put his wallet on the counter and walked away to call Tommy. 

The next morning you woke up with a massive headache. Your phone alarm went off and you rolled over, snoozing it. 

Ugh. 5 am never felt so gross.

Joel turned to face you and wrapped you in his arms, you had been out the rest of the night, this was the first time you’d been awake in almost 15 hours, he kissed your temple gently, “Stay…” 

You swallowed, your voice hoarse, “It’s not for a run… it’s for the airport…” you said emotionless, still exhausted. 

Joel perked his head up, brushing your hair back, “What do you mean sweetheart?” 

You kept your gaze fixed on the ceiling, focusing on one specific bump amongst the popcorn texture above you. One that you stared out for hours yesterday, “He… his body is… I have to be there to transport him.” 

“What time do we have to be there?” he kissed your cheek gently. 

“We? You don’t have to come… it’ll be a lot of protocols and standing and just… it’ll be a lot.” you sat up and sighed, sitting at the edge of the bed, rolling your shoulders, feeling stiff from how long you had been in bed. 

“I don’t care, mi vida, there’s no way you’re doin’ this alone…” he sat up and gently kissed your shoulder from behind you, “When do I need to be ready?” 

You took a breath and looked back at him, leaning your head against his, melting against him, grateful for him and his constant support, “We need to leave the house in a half hour.” 

He nodded and leaned up, kissing your forehead, “I’ll go brew us some coffee.” then got off the bed and opened the bedroom door, walking to go downstairs. 

You stood up and went over to the closet, pulling out your ceremonial uniform and laying it on the bed. 

Joel came up and got dressed quickly, putting on some jeans and a nice button-down, putting on some nice boots, trying to look put together and respectful. He headed back downstairs saying he’d get some to-go coffee ready while you finished getting ready. 

You brushed your hair out, washed your face, and brushed your teeth then did your hair into the traditional bun before getting into the uniform, taking your time, making sure everything was respected, and done right. 

You looked at yourself in the mirror, never wanting to see yourself in this uniform, this was never meant to be worn, no one was supposed to die. This was a heavy uniform to wear, one that felt too tight and too formal, not physically but mentally. You hated everything about it. 

You narrowed your eyes and clenched your jaw and then stood up straight, rolling your shoulders back, putting your hands to your side, before grabbing your hat and gloves and walking downstairs. 

Joel was sitting at the table when he saw you, never seeing you in the uniform. You thought aside from the circumstances, you looked beautiful.

“Hey… you ready baby?” he stood up. 

You nodded and headed towards the front door, feeling numb, wanting to just get this over with.

You put your hand on the doorknob and stopped, feeling that sharp pin of anxiety starting in the back of your skull, you closed your eyes and let out a shaky breath, stretching out your neck and rolling it in a circle to get that gnawing feeling to go away. 

Joel came up and set the thermos he had in his hands and gently turned you towards him, to softly pull you to hug him. 

You wrapped your arms around him and took in a breath then slowly let it out, “This wasn’t supposed to happen…” 

He kissed your head gently and nodded, “I know… I’m so sorry.” he gently rubbed your back, holding onto you as long as you needed. 

After a few moments, you pulled back, took his hand, and took one of the thermos, “I’m ready…” 

He nodded and walked with you to the truck. 

The ride to the airport was about 30 minutes. He held onto your hand the whole drive and would occasionally glance at you and softly smile, telling you how much he loved you and how he’d help you later arrange what needed to be done. 

You would nod but barely talk, you felt so disconnected, not truly there, it didn't feel real. This couldn't be happening. You listened to soft hum as he'd hum along to the music or watch out the window as he drove, you and your thoughts trying to escape this shit outcome.

You were told yesterday where to meet the aircraft and told Joel past a certain point he’d have to stay back. He understood and stayed with you until you would get to that point which would be a certain point on the tarmac for family's and loved ones. 

Once you hit the tarmac, there was a large military transport craft parked. You walked up to a small crowd of people, loved ones who also were greeting their loved ones, and looked at Joel, “Wait for me here, I’ve got to do a few things after we transport him with some officers.” you looked down to put your gloves on.

Joel nodded and looked at you as you started putting your hat and gloves on, “Can I kiss you, or is that against protocol?” he asked softly, genuinely, wanting to be respectful of any decorum. 

You looked up at him, smiling gently, and touched his cheek, “You can kiss me, you need not ever ask.” 

He leaned in and kissed you softly a couple of times, pulling back a little, “I’ll be here when you’re done. Tell Reg welcome home for me.” he touched your chin and softly rubbed his thumb across your lip. 

You nodded, backed away, and brushed your uniform before walking through the group of family members over to a group of higher-ranking officers in charge of this event. 

Joel hung back and an older woman came up to him, “I’m sorry I couldn’t help but overhear… who are you here for if I can ask?” 

Joel looked down and nodded, “Oh… my girlfriend is here to transport a friend of hers she served with, Specialist Reginald Mackey.” he sadly smiled. 

She gasped softly, “Oh… thank god.” tears streamed down her face.

Joel tilted his head, confused.

“I’m his mother… he… we…” she started to sob, “We didn’t have a good relationship towards the end. They wouldn’t let me over there when I asked. Something about someone else being on the paperwork.” 

Joel looked towards you and then her, “Oh… ma’am, I’m so sorry. I… my… mine served with him. They were good friends, she was on the paperwork, I believe.” he touched her hand, “I can see if she can bring you over?” 

She shook her head, “No, no need. I just didn’t want him to come home alone, but she’s bringing him home. She's there for him...” she wiped her tears, “May I stand with you?” 

Joel nodded and smiled, “Of course.” 

She held out her hand, “Mary… Mary Mackey.” she smiled softly. 

“Joel... Joel Miller…” he took her hand gently and shook it. 

—

You walked up and saluted the commanding officers before they put you at ease. 

You were instructed to stand and wait for his casket to come out as there were three others aboard, he was the last one. There were 25 other service men and women lined up with you. You all stood respectfully, saluting as each casket came out and was loaded into a an individual hearse. 

After about 20 minutes, Reggie was announced and you and 6 other officers stepped forward, in two lines of 3, and walked into the aircraft to gather him.

You touched the top of the casket gently and whispered, “Welcome home brother…” you clenched your jaw to hold back tears and swallowed before standing straight like the rest of the group and then as one turning to the right before positioning to get ready to lift the casket. 

You all as one lifted the casket draped with the flag and walked in a steady march back out of the aircraft, eyes forward, while everyone remained silent, saluting or with a hand over their heart.

Joel put his hand over his heart and let Mrs. Mackey hold onto his arm as she cried softly watching the ceremony, hand clutching her heart as her son came out of the plane. 

Once he was loaded into the hearse you all turned your feet inward to face each other and slowly brought your arms up to a salute and stayed that way until another officer closed the hearse door and it drove away. 

Once he was outside of your vision, you were all put at ease, everyone walked away but you felt your knees buckle, so you squatted down and touched the ground, trying to ground yourself, give yourself a moment, “He’s home… the hard part is over.” you whispered to yourself. 

Joel saw you and for a moment worried you were ok, but then you stood up after a few moments, eyes distant yet focused, and shook out your hands and rolled your shoulders, something you commonly did to shake out any anxiety. He knew you just needed you were dealing with a lot on your right now, he wouldn't be surprised if you were inching towards a panic attack and needed support when leaving. He'd be there though, he was ready.  

You walked over and signed some paperwork and then walked over to Reggie's commanding officer and told him that you chose to bury him in the military cemetery which he had offered you yesterday. He nodded and advised he would be transported there in 2 days, that he would call you with details for the funeral or any services you may want to do as there would be a 21-gun salute there. 

You nodded and shook his hand then were handed a folded flag, with his dog tags, something the family of the fallen soldier would get when they were greeted by the casket of their loved one, however since you were carrying him, this was given to you now. 

You looked down at it and closed your eyes, gripping it in your hands, cursing under your breath as tears threatened to spill. 

You saluted the commanding officer with tears in your eyes then he walked away. 

You sighed softly, and looked at the tags, running your fingers across them. You then put his dog tags over your head and looked down at them around your neck, you’d give these to Terrence when you saw him, they belonged to him. 

You turned around and tucked the flag under your arm and began walking back to the group of people. You met eyes with Joel and he nodded at you, mouthing ‘Reggie’s mom…’ then nodded his head towards her, the closer you got. 

Your eyes went wide and you rushed over, “Mrs. Mackey?” 

She smiled, “You must be Sargent Y/N…” she had tears streaming down her face, “It’s so good to meet you.” she held out her hand for you to take. 

You took her hand, “Ma’am I’m so sorry for your loss… I…” you brought the folded flag out from your arm and held it out, “This belongs to you…” you looked at her. 

She nodded and gently took it, “T-thank you for bringing him home…” she said through tears. 

You shook your head, “I had no idea you’d be here… you… I’m so sorry.” you looked at Joel, “How did you know he passed? They told me I was the only one on the paperwork.” 

“Reggie had someone call me from his camp. Gave them my number and told them if he didn’t make it back to call me, said a mom should know when her kid…” she choked up, “A mom should know when her child dies.” 

You teared up and nodded, then pulled her into a hug, rubbing her back. 

She held onto you for dear life, sobbing into your chest. You looked up at Joel and sighed softly. 

He leaned down and kissed your head. 

You pulled back after she let you go, “The commander I spoke with said you were making arrangements, is that true?” she wiped her eyes with a tissue. 

You nodded and put your hands in front of you respectfully, “He’s being buried in a military cemetery, they are giving him a proper burial in 2 days. I don’t want to step on your toes, so if you’d like you can plan it or you can help me, I’m fine with whatever you are ma’am.” you touched her arm softly.  

She nodded, “If it’s ok with you, I’d like to help…” 

You nodded, “I uhm… would you like to come over to our home? I’ve got things I need to do today for it, call some people, you could start on some of the basics, flowers, stuff like that?” 

Joel came up, “Do you live here ma’am? If not, you’re welcome to our guest room.” he put his hand on the small of your back. 

She nodded, “I came in from out of town. I have a hotel though.” 

You shook your head, “No, you’re stayin’ with us, cancel your reservation. Reggie would never forgive me if I let you stay in a hotel alone.” you rubbed her arm. 

She chuckled and nodded, “Ok if you insist.” 

Joel cleared his throat, “We insist.” he smiled, rubbing your back softly, and you leaned into him. 

2 days later 

You had called Terrence and his mom called some other friends and family about Reggie’s passing. By the time the funeral came around, about 30 people had shown up to honor and remember him. 

That morning of the service, your alarm went off at around 6 am, you rolled over and snoozed it, covering your head with a pillow and sighing. 

Joel woke and chuckled at your reaction, “Not feelin’ it today?” he said with a voice low with sleep. 

He turned on his side and gently ran his fingers up our bareback when you didn't answer back.

You peeked out from the pillow at him, “This sounds horrible but I can’t wait for this day to be over.” 

Joel leaned his head and got under the pillow, kissing your nose, “I get it, death can be exhausting.” 

You smiled softly and nodded, “Yeah, it's exhausting, I’m just ready to have things go back to normal.” 

Joel kept rubbing your back, “Me too, sweetheart.” 

You touched his cheek and leaned in, kissing him softly a few times, “Can we do something this weekend? I don’t know, go see a movie, go out to dinner, or just get out of the house?” 

He smiled softly, nodding, “We will, already have some plans.” he winked and kissed your lips gently before sitting up and getting out of bed. 

“Wait what do you mean, you already have plans?” you put the pillow off of you and sat up, smiling. 

He chuckled, “Exactly what you think it means, I made arrangements and we just have to do them.” he stood up and started walking to the bathroom. 

You got out of bed and followed him, “What are the ‘arrangements’..." you mimicked his southern drawl and used air quotes, "...can I know what they are?” you stood in the doorway, watching him wash his face, smiling. 

He shook his head and laughed lightly, “Nope, it’s all a surprise.” he looked at you and winked. 

You crossed your arms, and pouted, “You’re no fun.” 

He chuckled and turned around as he dried his face, smiling at you, “How about a small hint?” 

You perked up and nodded eagerly, “Deal, spill it.” you bounced up and down on the balls of your feet. 

“It has to do with the messages I sent you when you were in Delta 42… when I answered your letter back.” he came over and took your chin in his grip and pulled your lips to his, making you dizzy with a slowly deep kiss. 

You blushed and kissed him back, wrapping your arms loosely around his neck until he pulled back, “Good hint, I’m still clueless because that was a lot you sent me…” you pecked his lips. 

He chuckled and tucked a strand of hair behind your ear, mesmerized by your beauty, “Quiero ser la razón de tu felicidad.” (I want to be the reason for your happiness.)

You looked up at him confused, touching his hand on your cheek, “You already are…” you smiled, trying to find his eyes. 

He smiled and found your eyes, “I know…” he gently pulled you close to his lips, saying just above a whisper, “I just… Eres mi todo…” (You are my everything)

You melted in his gaze and smiled against his lips before threading your fingers through his hair and pulling his lips to kiss yours. 

He kissed you deeply, slowly, like he was taking his time. 

You pushed yourself against him, pressing your chest against his, kissing him more heavily, panting, pulling him by his shirt closer to you. 

He moved his hand down to your waist to pull you closer, pressing you up against the bathroom wall, then moved his hands so he was picking you up by pulling your legs up around his waist, pressing you against the wall. 

You let out a moan and moved your lips down to kiss his neck, fingers combing through his hair and down his bicep. 

He grinned and swallowed, “Fuck…” he groaned feeling you kiss his pulse point. 

You smirked against his skin then you both jumped hearing a knock on the bedroom door. 

“Terrence is here!” 

You groaned and sighed, “T you’re a fucking cockblock…” 

Joel chuckled and put his head against you for a moment, catching his breath, “I’m gonna have to have a word with him…” he set you down slowly and smiled down at you, eyes full of lust and love.

You smiled shyly, “Finish this later?” 

He nodded and kissed you gently, “Always, mi vida…” 

You kissed him back and then shouted back at Sarah, “Tell him I’ll be done in 10 minutes, please!” 

“Copy that.” she said through the door and you could hear her run down the stairs. 

You got ready in your uniform once again and Joel got ready in a black button-down and dress coat with some dark wash jeans. 

You all got to the cemetery about an hour later. You, Terrence, and Maria all in uniform performed in ceremonies such as the 21-gun salute, and Terrence passed the flag to his mom that was taken from his casket and folded in a triangle during a special flag presentation ceremony before they lowered him down to put him to rest. 

Mary asked for you all to speak, and share stories of Reggie. Maria went first, shared memories of Reggie and her playing stupid pranks on you and Terrence, how at first we swore he hated us because when we met him we laughed at his name, for which Maria had to explain the joke between her and you, earning some laughs and smiles from friends and family. 

Terrence chose to go next, he shared stories of Reggie’s bravery, how he always had his head on straight while Terrance would always be the anxious one between the two of them. He shared how guilty he felt when he got to go home and felt wrong to leave him there. He cried as the last time they spoke Reggie mentioned coming to meet Terrence, come crash on his couch… plans that would never come to fruition. He called Reggie his brother from another mother, and that he’d never get over how little time they had together. 

He stepped down and it felt like everyone turned to look at you. 

You swallowed and took a deep breath. Joel was holding your hand and kissed it softly, which gave you what you needed to stand and walk to the podium putting your hat under your arm while you walked up to stand by the microphone. 

You had written some notes and had them on a crumpled paper inside your hand. You uncrumpled it and read through it, remembering what you wanted to say. 

You cleared your throat and exhaled, “Sorry, I’m not a good public speaker, so you’ll have to forgive me if I drop backward up here from pure anxiety.” you chuckled nervously and joked. 

The crowd chuckled and then you looked down at the casket, now lowered into the ground, you teared up and then looked at Mrs. Mackey, “Reggie to me was the kind of person that was willing to jump through hoops of fire for you. He was kind, brave, strong, and like a little brother to me.” 

She smiled and wiped away tears. 

“I uh… I got into some trouble when we were deployed, got into a fight.” you looked down shyly then back up into the crowd, shrugging, “The other guy deserved it, but still... A fight is a fight. You still get a lecture in the army.” 

Maria nodded, remembering, chuckling to herself. The rest of the crowd chuckled and waited for the rest of the story. 

“Reggie wasn’t even there when it happened. But he vouched for me. Told our commanding officer I wouldn’t just fight someone for the hell of it.” you looked at Joel, he smirked, and you smiled, “You had to really piss me off to get what I gave that day.” you chuckled and looked at the crowd, “And that guy…” you shook your head and let out a small laugh, “He tap danced on the wrong nerve that day.” they laughed softly. 

You looked down at his casket after calming your laugh down, “I still got yelled at, but I could’ve gotten a lot worse if it wasn’t for him and his loyalty.” you sighed and tsked your tongue. 

“He was always there for us.” you chuckled and looked at Mrs. Mackey, Maria, and Terrence, “He was for sure the annoying little brother most of the time, pulling pranks on us, hiding our shit, pinning us against each other half the time…” you chuckled and so did everyone else. 

“But he was our little brother…” you said softly, choking up, tearing up, “...and I wish with every fiber in me that I could have changed this outcome for him.” you clenched your jaw and balled up your fists, looking down at the casket, breathing becoming heavy, tears falling. 

You cleared your throat and rolled your shoulders, straightening up, moving around the pulpit, and standing over his casket, “I’ll see you again little brother, but not yet.” you smiled and let a few tears fall. “Keep Z company… and raise a little hell up in heaven for me.” you knelt and took something out of your pocket, a picture of the four of you and Z that you had taken on your disposable camera, setting it on the casket and gently patting it before standing and saluting him for a few seconds then putting your hand down and taking a breath in, closing your eyes for a moment to let it out, “Roohash shaad…” (Rest in peace in Dari) 

You nodded and smiled down at the casket and then returned to your seat, taking Joel’s hand and nodding, letting him know you were ok. 

A few other people shared their thoughts and stories then the pastor said a prayer before they dismissed everyone to leave. 

Mary came over and hugged you, “Thank you for all you did, for making this happen for my sweet boy.” 

You nodded and hugged her, “Please keep in touch. I think Reggie would have wanted that, you know?” 

She nodded, “I will. I will visit often too.” she looked at Joel and winked, “You take care of her, yeah?” 

Joel chuckled and kissed your temple, putting his hand on your back, “I will ma’am…” 

She smiled and then left to say goodbye to Maria and Terrence. 

Joel kissed your temple again and pulled you in for a hug, “What do you say we order some takeout and have a movie night, hmm?” 

You nodded against his chest, “You had me at ordering take out…” you chuckled pulling away as he took your hand. 

He kissed it and then started to walk with you to the truck, smiling to himself, humming softly a song that played on the radio on the way there.

You looked at him and chuckled, you had no idea why he was in a good mood, but assumed it was just because this was all over and you both could get back to your routines. 

You had no idea it was due to the ring he took out from under the bed every night when he got home from work to ‘change’, telling himself he couldn’t just go down to the kitchen and propose, he had a plan, and this weekend, it would happen. 

Previous chapter - Next chapter  

a/n: ya'll the next couple chapters ... ahhhh! what are your ideas for how he's going to propose!?

taglist:  @sarahhxx03, @blahkateisdone, @sunnytuliptime, @pedroscurls, @docharleythegeekqueen @pedritosgirl2000

[v4mp-reads]

Good Day or Evening. Can you do a request of a Jealous Rhea Ripley X Fem Reader Where reader is apart of Judgement Day but is also Married to Rhea but due to storyline is dating Damian Priest and During a Promo Damian and Reader are being all cuddly and sweet to eachother making Rhea jealous so she ends up confronting Damian backstage so Reader takes her to the locker and reassuring her with sweet words Hugs and kisses. Thank you.

The shadow of fear

Rhea Ripley x fem! reader

Song fic using " I love you " by Billie eilish

I think this ended up way more sad than the requester wanted. oh well! (A good amount of this story will be told from rheas pov)

Y/N's POV

As i stand in the back with the judgment day, I know that todays storyline involved a lot on me and Damien, im not to happy about it, but it gets a raise out of the fans, so i just deal with it. Rhea has been a bit distant lately, i don’t really know why, but I’ll try to talk to her.

“Rhea, my love! Hi!” I said in my normal upbeat tone, “Hey y/n” she said, she never really calls me y/n so it caught me off guard. “ are you okay?” I asked as i plopped next to her on the couch, “I’m fine, love. Are you ready for tonight?” She asked I could tell that something was bothering her but I didn’t want to push her before her matches tonight and i know this promo is going to piss her off even more, I’ve talked to the GM about changing the storyline, but they continue to say “its just a storyline and the fans love you two” and I can’t fight with them, wrestling is my passion, and its how i pay our bills.

**small time skip**

I stand backstage with Damien standing in front of me, all i can think about is “ I don’t even know if that’s pg” as his hands snake around my waist.

“Ya’know y/n, people talk..about us” Damian said his face close to mine, it almost makes me want to cringe, it was horrible in everyway, but, for the screen.

I lean closer putting my hands on his chest and looking up at him, “ let them talk,” i take a small pause “ because..we know what’s real and what’s not” I say with a small smirk, as i continue to let my hands Rome his body. “You enjoy playing with fire, dont you y/n.” He said pulling me softly against the wall. I feel the eyes burining into my back and i know who they belong to, but I can’t do anything about it, and I worry’s me, i know this isn’t easy for her to watch at all. I move my hands up to his chin slowly “ Maybe i do, maybe i want to burned” I say, i know the part that is next is going to be the worst, as i watch him lean closer to me, i know what im going to have to do , i soft,y close my eyes as he lays a soft kiss on my lips, its nothing like rheas, not comforting, not gentle, not wanted.

**rheas pov**

I had to sit and watch that whole promo..i had to watch my best friend on and off screen kiss my girlfriend and the rage running through my body. I make my way to the locker room, and from there i guess things start to clearly get worse. I see y/n and Damian giggling about the dumb promo, his hand on her shoulder, normally this would be fine, lighthearted actions, but i knew better than that, “hey..” i let out a small huff, “Hi, how are you? “ Damien said moving away from y/n “im good, tired, but good” i lied, and i know y/n noticed, but I didn’t really have time to deal with her drama.,

But that all changed when she looked at me, this look wasn’t nor,al.. loveless, i dont know.. and as soon as Damian walked out the door, it was like a rush of emotion fell over me.

“Are you enjoying it?:” i yelled slightly. Her head turned quickly. “What..? Rhea why would you say that?” She looked at me a hurt expression on her face, she sat on the arm of the couch.

“Tell me I’ve been lied to?” I said softly, i feel the tears fall from my eyes, “rhea… baby, my love its all part of the show, i swear.. i promise” She said as she moved closer to me, tho i just kinda pushed myself away from her, how does someone show so much emotion, so much..lust, when they are just faking it? I put my head in my hands. “ rhea! I’m being honest with you. I dont know why you’re thinking this!?” Y/n yelled at me, she never yells, this just makes the frustration overcome the sadness for a minute “Maybe wont you take it back?” I yelled back. “ say you where trying to make me ‘laugh’” my voice cracked a bit “Do you know what its like watching the love of you life with someone else, do you know what its like to see you two interact with eachother, how your constantly touching eachother, constantly kissing eachother!” I ramble out trying to push down the pain “Rhea, its just an act..” she said, she reached out for my hand but I quickly pulls away..”I can’t help i feel this way..it eats every part of me..”

as this argument clearly goes nowhere, its getting more heated, we are both at the point of standing and almost yelling.. this causes the anger to slowly melt into sadness.

“I love you.., and i dont want to” I said, and her face whent pale, i felt so bad i knew i needed to explain to her. the tears instantly start falling, messing up my makeup im sure. “ I love you y/n so much, so so much, but this dumb being with my best friend on screen shit is breaking my heart.i can’t stand it anymore y/n, I Hate that im like this y/n i hate that im jealous, i hate that im so upset, im sorry that I love you so much” i say as tears pour from my eyes

*y/ns pov*

“I’m sorry that i love you so much” she said.. that i love you so much.. this hurt, i needed her to know, “My love..” i say as i stepped closer to her, she once more tried to step away from me, but I wouldn’t allow that’s not this time, i grabbed her hands “Rhea, hey, listen to me my love, please..” she stopped trying to get away from me, but wouldn’t look me in my eyes, “my love, can you look at me as well?” She looked up making eye contact with me, her eyes all red and puffy, it pained me to see her like this, “ my love. I can’t escape the way, I love you.” I spoke softy, “ i honestly hate the promos, I’ve talked to the GM 100 times, and they wont listen to me, i couldn’t leave you, i could never love anyone more than I love you.” I softly smile at her. The look on her face tells me she needs a bit more reassurance “ no matter what dumb script i have to follow, or what i do infrount of that camera, i only want you” i told her, her grip tightened around me.

I pulled her into a hug, softly running my hands through her hair, “i love you, and i dont want this to come between us," I spoke softly. "I can't help the way I love you" she said with a small smile dang hugged me tighter "I'm sorry I let this get to me"

THANK you for reading

Xoxo. V.4mp.

[rottenpumpkin13]

I'm curious, what do you think was the WORST injury Zack had and SOMEHOW got away with it? You can go Hurt/No Comfort if you want we're all collective masochists in the end

Have it your way >:^) - also this took so long because I wrote a version that was not a fun read for the Zack enjoyers and had to tone it down asdfghjk

✮ ⋆ ˚｡𖦹 ⋆｡°✩

He vaguely recalled reading an article about comatose patients: how their consciousness, though unresponsive, remained active—suspended in void between life and death, poised to be drawn toward one or the other. Comas were like waiting rooms, and he almost wished he had something to occupy his mind—a magazine, a comic book, even a crossword puzzle, despite his usual disdain for them; anything to drown out the voices that began at precisely 4 PM each day.

Angeal was always the first to arrive, the squeak of his boots unmistakable against the polished hospital floor. He would listen intently as the supervising nurse provided updates on the condition—“No significant changes in his neurological status, the expected timeframe for him regaining consciousness remains uncertain.” But Angeal's positivity never wavered. "He will," he would insist, bless his ignorance, "Zack's strong.. He'll pull through this, I know he will."

In the first week, Zack wanted to shout, “Hell yeah I am! Watch, Angeal, I’ll be out of here in no time!” By the third week, it was as if he’d lost his voice—both literally and metaphorically. Zack prided himself on his perseverance, as if he were born with sunny-tinted glasses that allowed him to pull through everything without a fight.

Scraped knees as a child became cool battle wounds in his childhood; timeouts transformed into prisons the warrior he pretended to be had to escape; and the vegetables his mother forced him to eat were poison he had to avoid at all costs. Naturally, the waiting room analogy was what he clung to in order to stay sane.

Next came Sephiroth, heralded by the unmistakable clatter of his shoulder guards—a sound Zack likened to a cat bell, one he’d be sure to tease Sephiroth about when he woke up. Sephiroth never asked the nurse for updates; Angeal must have already filled him in. Instead, he would walk silently over to the bed, place a hand gently on Zack’s forehead, and whisper softly: “I miss you. Get well soon,” before carefully adjusting his blankets, making sure Zack was comfortable.

Inside, Zack was desperately screaming, "I will, I promise!" but Sephiroth couldn't hear him. By the fourth week, the harder Zack tried to scream, the further he felt from reality.

Then came Genesis, his presence inundating the room. He spoke to Zack as if he were awake, greeting him with a cheerful, "Good evening, Puppy," and proudly asking, "What do you think of my new coat?" Zack wished he would never stop talking. Genesis would then sit beside him and read aloud from Loveless. Zack suspected it was Genesis’ version of a prayer, and for that, he didn't mind at all.

And then there was Cloud. Zack's longing to scream out surged whenever he caught the meek shuffle of Cloud's boots, followed by the faint squeak of him thanking the nurse before entering. Cloud would meticulously style Zack's hair, crafting his signature spikes with care, as if determined to preserve Zack's essence even in his incapacitated state. His touch was gentle as he spoke to Zack as though he were awake and listening intently. Cloud would vent about his rowdy squad mates, grumble about his stern commanding officer, and lament the monotony of patrol missions where he strived to do his best

And then came the most difficult confession.

"I'm gonna stop trying out for SOLDIER," Cloud admitted one day, his voice soft as he tended to the flowers by Zack's bedside. "Tryouts are approaching, but… it just wouldn't feel right without you. Not that I'm all that confident I'd make it anyway, but I can't bring myself to do it without you here."

If Cloud could glimpse inside Zack's mind, he'd hear him screaming.

He was so helpless, trapped inside that cage, that body that wouldn't just WAKE UP. He needed to get up, he needed to be there for Cloud, and for Angeal who wasted so much time training him, and for Genesis who was finally starting to warm up to him, and for Sephiroth, who’s friendship he valued so much.

But it was useless.

He wanted to give up.

So he did.

He caved, and let the darkness take him.

But it rejected Zack. As much as death teased and loved to embrace him, it eventually always spat him out again. And maybe that was Zack Fair’s curse, cemented when his eyes fluttered open one morning.

Hovering above him was the unmistakable silhouette of a SOLDIER. With great effort, he lifted his heavy eyelids, only to find Kunsel standing before him, his appearance clearly older than the last time he had seen him. Zack should have noticed the calendar hanging on the wall, its numbers spelling out the year "0007."

Yet, instead of acknowledging the date, Zack's trembling voice broke through the silence. He questioned Kunsel, struggling with each word. He asked about Angeal, Cloud, Sephiroth, and Genesis.

Kunsel looked grim before replying.

“There was a mass desertion at SOLDIER years ago.”

[momhwa-agenda]

lies, lust, and longing pt.1

PAIRING: Husband!Juyeon/Female Reader/Chauffeur!Younghoon

WARNINGS: Angst, comfort, suggestive, Juyeon is a cheater (please don't take any of this seriously! this is after all a work of fiction)

SUMMARY: In the glittering world of high society, appearances reign supreme. As the loyal wife to the affluent and charming Lee Juyeon, you maintain the façade of marital bliss. Yet, behind closed doors, his infidelities shatter the illusion. Amidst the turmoil, solace is found in the kindness of your chauffeur, Kim Younghoon.

A/N: OP attempts to write more than a drabble hsdskd bear with me please

TAGLIST: @daisyvisions @snowflakewhispers @midnightfantasiez (thank you as always for helping me out in the writing process)

“That’s my cue,” Juyeon whispers to you. Your attention redirects to him as he kisses you on the cheek. “I’m glad you’re here with me. Wish me luck, my love.” He says keeping his eyes on you, slipping his hands over yours before he walks over to charm the CEO of his rival company.

“What would I give to have a smitten husband like yours,” the woman in front of you sighs.. You blink twice, your lips curling into a small smile. Well wasn’t he?

You’re taken back to how you came to meet Lee Juyeon. It was way back in university, and Juyeon was a rockstar in your business class. You’ve known each other as you both passed each other down the hallways outside of classes. He’d always smile at you and talk to you sweetly, but you could tell he was out of your league. After graduation, all that sweet talk from him was just dead air. What did you expect? He was the entire university’s crush. Charming nearly every girl was like second nature to him. You weren’t anything special. 

Three years later, you received a message from the bastard. 

“Will you be my date to my company gala?”

Suddenly, the man was courteous, attentive, and affectionate to you—making you feel all suspicious of his true intentions. By the time he blurted to his boss during the gala, saying: “I've fallen so hard for her that I'm seriously contemplating getting down on one knee.”—you have had it and decided to confront him when he took you back to his place. After some hesitation, Juyeon opened up about how he needed a cover-up for his scandals. And now it all made sense. 

You rightfully yelled at him for using you, until he pointed out how smitten you were with him and how you enjoyed the luxuries he offered. 

“All you need to do is join me in company gatherings, keeping up appearances with my family,” he hisses when he mentions the latter. 

“I am the eldest of my family. I have to set an example to my younger brother,” you roll your eyes. 

“My parents are asking me to clean up my act and be the respectable heir to the family legacy, and-”

“And I’m the perfect candidate because your parents have never met me before. I’m not one of your rich conquests…” you’re about to continue until it occurs to you that you might end up marrying him.

“I’ll have to marry you too, won't I?” you ask him and he nods, clenching his jaw. You debate about how you had your own dreams and aspirations, and this arrangement most likely would be the end of your dating life. That you’d be stuck in a loveless marriage.

“What happens to me if we get married?” Juyeon's interest was sparked by your inquiry. Rising from his chair, he explains the terms of the arrangement. It seems equitable; you stand to enjoy the opulence of his lifestyle, ensuring a secure future. While your job provides a decent income, it mainly sustains your apartment and essential expenses, leaving little room for leisure. “So what do you say? Do we have a deal, Y/N?” He looks at you intently. 

Staying with Juyeon offers a tempting proposition, yet the bitter truth remains — romance is an excluded clause.

With a sigh, you concede. “I'll be your wife.”

Now, Juyeon wasn't mean, but he was very cocky and a playboy. He never hid this side of himself from you. Although romance wasn't in the picture, there were moments of intense attraction between you two, which only complicated matters further. These moments often came in the form of small gestures, like the time he asked if you had eaten. 

While these actions were often for show, he would also show kindness when you were alone. Examples of this include the first time he introduced you to his family. He praised your diligence and hard work, attributes he noticed since the day he met you in college. Another instance was when he expressed interest in preparing your favorite meal with you, or when he defended you from a relative's insensitive comment about your social status. Surprisingly, he even shared the master bedroom with you, despite the marriage contract.

However, the most confusing moment occurred one morning. As you were making your way to the shower, he pulled you onto his lap, caressed your hips, and stared at you as if searching for something only you had the answers to. This intensified one night when he came home tired and found you in the bath. Did he carelessly take off his clothes and decide to join you in the tub, proceeding to give you the best orgasm that you squirted in the bath? Yes.

A part of you wondered if he was starting to warm up to you. Maybe he was developing feelings? Your questions were answered when he came home the next day with a couple of hickeys on his neck. 

Honestly, the occasional sex was not much of a problem. The marriage was fake, but you weren't complaining about the man's large hands, impressive dick, and stamina. All in all, this deal was working; you had large sums of money, a lovely home, and great sex with a handsome man.

Yet why were you feeling a little torn that he would still sleep with other women? You knew that no matter how sweet Juyeon could be at home, you reminded yourself that this was all fake. 

That he did not love you. 

Living the life as Lee Juyeon’s wife was truly a lonely one. But in spite of it all, you were grateful for one thing — or rather one person — Younghoon, the personal chauffeur your husband had given you. Clearly this man was not the one who drove Juyeon. Of course, he wanted to separate himself from you especially when he had a night out or fucked a different woman in the car. After all, Juyeon was not one to mix business and pleasure.

Although he was simply a servant, Younghoon was very kind and courteous to you. He always greeted you with a sweet smile, held the door open for you, even asked how your day was and engaged in conversations every time he drove you. Things your “husband” should be doing. 

One day while you were on the way to work, Younghoon noticed something off about you. He was not one to pry, but you seemed very upset. So he asked how you were feeling and suggested that you could take time off work.

 “Don't you have to report to Mr. Lee about our whereabouts?” you asked.

“Considering how Mr. Lee treats you I don't think he would ask where his wife has been,” he answered “I don't mean offense, Mrs. Lee but nothing escapes my eyes.”

“Stop the car, Mr. Kim”

Younghoon frowns in confusion. You pinch the bridge of your nose, hissing “I said please stop the car, Mr. Kim.” At that, Younghoon finally swerves to pull over to the side of the road.

A frustrated sigh escapes your lips, and you press your palms against your temples. Closing your eyes, you take a moment to collect your thoughts before responding.

“What Juyeon and I have is a deal that works for both of us. He gets to protect his stupid image and make his parents proud. I get the benefits of his money, which frankly makes me a golddigger,” you swallow, your heart beating faster after each word.

“Except it’s more than what I had when I was alone.” 

Despite the slight distance between you two, you look away not wanting to feel Younghoon’s gaze pry you open. You couldn’t bear to have the man who has become your friend amidst this chaos judge you for your decisions.

“I know I could have just refused. I know I am fully capable of handling myself. And I’m fully aware that there isn’t a shortage of men out there…” you try, struggling to keep your cool in fear that Younghoon would see right through your tone. “But we don’t always get to have the things we want in a clean and fair way.” 

“Mrs. Lee,” Younghoon sighs, and you brace yourself for his third degree. But to your surprise he leaves the driver's seat, and moves to the backseat, sitting next to you. You gasp, when you see that his sincerity is evident in his eyes — and him being next to you somehow breaks down the barriers that separated you earlier. 

“I’m not well-off myself, so I understand what you’re going through,” he opens up, “Forgive me, it’s not my intention to make you feel miserable. It’s just that I can see that you’re clearly hurting. I’m saying this because I…I've come to care deeply for you, not just as someone I work for, but as a person.” 

The warmth in his eyes speaks volumes, offering a glimpse of the solace and authenticity you crave. At that moment, tears begin to fall from your eyes. You hurriedly avert your gaze from Younghoon, only for him to tap your forearm and you see him offering his handkerchief. A laugh briefly escapes your mouth as you nervously take the handkerchief, wiping your tears. This was the most sincere act of kindness you’ve seen in a while.

“I’m sorry for insulting you earlier. I just can't stand to see you suffer in silence.” he adds. Once you’ve wiped your tears, you look back at Younghoon and the kindness in his face is unwavering. You feel as if your heart could explode into a million pieces from the affection Younghoon is showing. 

You take his hand in a surprising and tender gesture. “Thank you,” you manage, breaking into tears once more. Younghoon takes the handkerchief from you and gently dabs at your tears. “You’re right, Mr. Kim. But I can’t leave him, you know that,” you tell him. 

“I understand. Just know that I'm here if you need someone to talk to,” he assures, his voice a soothing balm to your wounded heart.

Both of you are so caught up in the moment, you and Younghoon realize how close you are, and that you are still holding his hand. You both move apart, chuckling nervously. 

“Mr. Kim?” 

“Yes?”

“Could you take me to this cafe I’ve been meaning to visit? Please” 

“As you wish,” he smiles sweetly, before moving back to the driver’s seat. You give him the address and the directions as you drive off.

You smile to yourself, realizing that not only has a friendship blossomed between you and Younghoon, but something deeper was taking root. An indescribable bond, one that goes beyond mere words. A potential for something more, perhaps.

[simslegacy5083]

Today's (1/9/2025) Episode: Under The Knife

School started up again for Skye shortly after the Flea market, though xe ended up missing xir first day back.

“Normally I’m all for an excuse to get out of class” Elyse said as the teens walked ahead of xir parents through the front doors of Magnolia Medical Center to get checked in for Skye’s procedure “but not like this. Hospitals are the worst!”

“I know.” Skye agreed. This wasn’t xir first surgery, but it was the first one they’d had time to dwell on and their brain was a master at spinning up worst case scenarios “I keep having nightmares about something going horribly wrong. What if I get an infection, what if my wrist never heals right and I end up unable to do things like hold my camera FOREVER!?”

Elyse nodded “I read online about this sim who had a botched operation and was in chronic pain for the rest of her life!” Skye paled, immediately imagining how awful it would be if that happened to xem.

“Nothing like that is likely to happen Skye” Noemi interjected “Those sort of outcomes are very rare, and the doctors here are very good.”

Noemi had apologized to Skye for losing her temper at the market, but ever since then Elyse had avoided coming to the house, which xe saw as entirely xir mothers' fault. Rather than soothing xir like normal Skye found xemself irritated by the intrusion “Nobody was talking to YOU Mom!” xe snapped “Come on Elyse, let’s go sit over there, away from sims who can’t keep their noses out of others conversations!”

As they walked away Noemi turned to Luigi, frustration shining in her eyes “I knew it was a bad idea to let her tag along! Those two have always been too much alike when it comes to their ability to imagine the worst possible outcomes. That’s the LAST thing Skye needs today!”

“Xe wanted her here.” Luigi reminded her “I think it says a lot that she was willing to come. She clearly hates this place, but she showed up to support xem anyway. I understand why you’re worried, but like I keep telling you, we have to let it play out. They clearly care about each other, and honestly things could be a lot worse than having our kid infatuated with a sim we’ve know her whole life whose parents are two of our closest friends.”

“I hear you, but…” Noemi began. Just then the person in front of them finished up, and the front desk clerk raised her head expectantly “next?” They stepped forward to get Skye checked in, momentarily putting a pin in their unfinished conversation.

“So, Elyse, how’s school?” Luigi asked, trying to think of something to engage her after Skye was wheeled away to the OR.

“School’s fine” she replied “But this place isn’t. I’ll be outside where it doesn’t smell like my parents' medicine cabinet. Text me when Skye is out safe?”

“Sure” he nodded, then turned back to his wife. “how you holding up?”

“Worried” she sighed “about the surgery and about our two little lovebirds. I know you mean well with the whole “let it play out” business, but you didn’t spend years in a loveless marriage like I did. I just want Skye to find what I found with you, but Elyse is giving me “first wife” vibes.”

“Unlike your first wife, Skye and Elyse have been best friends for years.” Luigi reminded her. “She may not be a perfect match, but that has to count for something. Anyway - they aren’t even officially dating! You’re sort of putting the doom cart before the horse a little bit, don’t you think?”

“They’re not officially dating yet, but Skye told me xe plans to ask her to go steady soon.” Noemi sighed: “Still, you’re not wrong. Its just so hard not to stress, especially now that xe’s mad at me about the Flea Market fight. We used to talk about everything and now all I get are sullen glares.”

“Xe’ll come around” Luigi soothed ��Just keep being there for xem like you have been.” “You know…” she told him “for a self proclaimed “self absorbed plumhole” you’re pretty good at giving advice.”

“Even a broken clock is right twice a day” he laughed. “Now, let’s hit the cafeteria while we wait. We can even offer to bring Elyse a snack. Maybe a jumbo blueberry muffin is all it will take to turn your relationship with at least one sullen little teenling right back around!”

View The Full Story of My Not So Berry Challenge Here

[subbyprincessb]

5, 6, 8, 11, 14, 24, 25, 28, 29, 30, 47, 51, 56, 58, 62, 63, 64, 65, 67, 69, 70, 71, 72, 74, 75, 76, 77, 79, 81 ... a lot I know. sorry baby

5. Are you in love?

I wouldn’t say I am in love, no.

6. Are you single this year?

Technically I’m married.

8. Describe your crush

Lol. Nice body, nicer cock hahahah

11. Do you ever want to get married?

I am married, but would I get married again? Hm I don’t know. Maybe if I found the right person haha

14. Do you have a crush on anyone?

I do :)

24. Do you think you’ll be married in 5 years?

To my husband? No. To someone else? Probably not unless I found the right person but right now that’s the last thing I’m thinking about 🙃

25. Do you want to be in a relationship this year?

Hmm well it’s December and the year is almost over and like I said I’m married so lol

28. Have you ever been cheated on?

Yes

29. Have you ever cheated on someone?

Yes, a guy I dated when I was younger. I cheated on him with a friend. And I mean if you wanna call what I am doing now cheating, then yes. But I’m in a loveless marriage. That I plan on leaving. And my husband knows I plan on it. 🤷🏼‍♀️

30. Have you ever considered plastic surgery? If so, what would you change about your body?

Yes, I’d love to get a breast lift. And my lips done. But really that’s about it.

47. How old are you?

29 :)

51. Is there a boy/girl who you would do absolutely everything for?

My children lol

56. State 8 facts about your body

1. I had 3 children

2. When I’m about to get my period I get horrible migraines

3. Lol, so I have a toe, that is the same size as my pinkie to next to it. I’ll never show it🙃

4. I have a big nose and I hate it

5. My pussy is fat 😭

6. My skin is soft

7. My eyes are a blue green

8. I bite my nails

58. What are five ways to win your heart?

1. Be obsessive 2. Make me laugh 3. Show me I’m worth it 4. Care about my interests 5. Obviously you have to like kids haha

62. What is the sexiest thing someone could ever do for/to you?

Be obsessive

63. What is your definition of “having sex”?

Foreplay, cuddles, after care and me sitting on your cock 🙃💕

64. What is your definition of cheating?

I think actually seeking out and meeting up in secret, like physical intimacy and having a whole ass relationship with another person, physically and not leaving your partner.

65. What is your favourite foreplay routine?

Fingering/eating me out for hours until I’m dripping wet and begging for your cock

67. What is your idea of the perfect date?

Nice dinner and a midnight stroll on the beach. Lots of talking included maybe skinny dipping if the weather is warm enough

69. What turns you off?

When someone doesn’t respect my boundaries

70. What turns you on?

Physically: neck kisses, butt grabs, soft touches, when they do the little thing like grabbing me by the back of my neck lol

Using their words: communication, describing in detail how they are going to ruin me, sending me dick pictures lmao or cum videos ugggghhh (consensually ofc)

71. What was your kinkiest wet dream?

I unfortunately don’t remember my dreams

72. What words do you like to hear during sex?

Good girl, lots of praise, moaning ugh it drives me wild when a man whimpers 🫠 when I’m told how well I’m doing while I’m being ruined and a drooling whimpering mess haha

74. What’s the most superficial characteristic you look for?

I really care about looks. As shallow as I sound I don’t think I could date someone I found unattractive. 🤷🏼‍♀️ I like a nice jawline, I like skinny fit men, plump lips. Idk sorry lol

75. What’s the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for you?

Wow I don’t know it’s been a while and I can’t remember honestly.

76. What’s the sweetest thing you’ve ever done for someone?

Planning dates, setting up a whole surprise birthday party, making dinner every night lol idk I think I do sweet things on the daily. I’m also just a sweet person. I’d you ever date me that’s one thing I love giving gifts random gifts, surprises and such but I hate surprises.

77. What’s your opinion on age differences in relationships?

Okay so here’s the thing. I don’t see a huge issue with it, my limit personally being 29 is I would date someone 45. But like a 30 year old has no business dating someone who is 18. One because someone who is 18 isn’t experiencing the same things as a 30 year old. And those two people are in different places in their lives. Like I would never date someone who is 18 let alone younger than like 24 hahah idk that’s just me though. Like me being 30 I can relate to someone who is 45 because I’m older I’ve experienced life already someone who is 18 hasn’t done the same things as me. I don’t see us having anything in common. Don’t care for it honestly.

79. When was the last time you felt jealous? Why?

Earlier today lol. When I was thinking about my crush, and how he could potentially be talking to other people hahaha. I get stuck in my head a lot 🙃

81. Who are five people you find attractive?

1. Ohhhh this guy named Alex 💕

2. Oscar Isaac

3. I’m gonna expose myself for this one, but if you know me, or talked to me about my writing, I write fanfiction. Especially about James Cameron’s avatar. Haha so Jake sully from avatar. It feeds into my size kink okay 🙃

4. My bestie Kat, she is so beautiful and she is my soulmate!

5. And I’m gonna say myself because I think I do have a pretty attractive face :)

[omegaremix]

Sarah’s 2013-2015 Requests.

My Bloody Valentine announced a new album in 2013. The whole world was taken by total surprise because their fans assumed the project all but finished. After 22 years since releasing Loveless, they released MBV a week later and created a frenzy. That was our first exposure to the band. Yeah, we know. Don’t judge us. We decided to play “Who Sees You” on our eighth show and something changed. A listener saw our playlist and messaged us to say it would be awesome if we played more shoegaze. Our first correspondence was made.

Sarah* loved the Nineties and was obsessed with Kurt Cobain. I was totally aware of Nirvana all throughout my Brentwood days and was curious to what shoegaze encompassed, so I went with it. Omega WUSB were never sitting ducks and always looked to new directions. We asked her to send some ideas our way and we honored them on-air because we liked them. She thanked us and kept it going. Next thing I know, we were exchanging Cobain’s death conspiracy theories. It was crazy. So crazy that she wielded herself against other obsessive Cobain fans on Tumblr who believed that they communicated with him in the afterlife, or the time she took ma’s credit card and ordered $800.00 worth of music on Amazon, including the extremely rare “Pennyroyal Tea” disc single. Lucky Sarah.

During that time, she still exchanged music with us and we still fulfilled her requests. She was thrilled, and so was her boyfriend, who heard her requests on our shows. As time went forward I learned more about her. Big news: she went to the same university like I had. She used to smoke and drink but moved on from that and her ex- towards a healthier lifestyle. She recently moved in with her ma’ to get away from her father who was unbearably horrible to them. She hated him so much that she’s waiting out his death to receive the inheritance. But we held on to what had us start talking to each other: her love of the Nineties, all things Seattle, and her recent shoegaze finds. Requests weren’t enough, so she pitched a Nirvana B-sides and rarities broadcast, and we started building it. And, would you believe? Slowdive was about to tour. So she got two tickets for herself and her new boyfriend. The result? She loved it. He, on the other hand, didn’t care for it. She thought he ruined her experience by not liking them. So she made him cry after they left the venue.

Two years after our Omega WUSB’s genesis, my family switched towns; the same town Sarah’s tells me where she’s from. What a coincidence. She was happy that it’s been two years we were in touch. The time was right to finally meet up. I’ll never forget driving right from work in tight Friday rush-hour traffic heading eastbound to meet her at a coffeehouse. I said 5PM but traffic made it 6PM. I felt so horrible and nervous, hoping she’d still be there. But she was, sitting by herself with a cup of coffe and a slice of cheesecake. I profusely apologized to her but all was good. She greeted me with a hello, a handshake, and a smile; brown shoulder length curls, a new Sonic Youth shirt, and denim shorts. She was the first and still only person I met through this platform. For three hours sitting tight we went over everything imaginable: her fascination of Cobain, her hatred of her father, and how she loved the five times she used cocaine with her friends. You should’ve seen the look on her face when she told me.

But our conversation wasn’t just made of Cobain death theories, hatred, and her savory of coke. I asked Sarah about the time she made her boyfriend cry after the Slowdive show. She went more in-depth about their relationship. While both had career ambitions, our sit-down happened to be close to their two-year anniversary, though she wasn’t sure if she was to stay with him. The day we met up, however, was her boyfriend’s birthday. I asked why she was sharing this time with me instead of him? She thought holidays and birthdays were pointless. But onto more brighter pastures. She did have one positive story about how her and her boyfriend walked 10 hours from Fire Island back to her residence eastward. She showed me her tiny red iPod Nano, all 8 GB’s worth of Nineties shoegaze, My Bloody Valentine, and you guessed it all: some more Nirvana.

Three hours later, the coffeehouse closed shop and it was time to go. We walked out as Sarah showed me the fresh scrape on her new car her dad bought her. We agreed to stay in touch to collaborate on our pending Nirvana broadcast and shook on it. We say our goodbyes and parted ways for the night as I had burgers and fries afterward. A few rounds of talks later only consisted of her selling me her futon for $600 but I kindly passed on the offer as I bought my bedroom set from Ikea. Then, one Nirvana legend going back all the way to my days in Brentwood was finally confirmed: the Fecal Matter tape, consisting of a pre-Nirvana Cobain and The Melvins’ Dale Crover, was finally confirmed to be real and released in the wild. So I asked her what she thought. No response. A few days pass and I might have saw something else that interested us both, so I passed it on to her. Still, no response. I sent her one final message saying “hi”, seeing if everything was OK on her end. A hard nada. Then I realized…fuck, it’s dead between us. She stopped responding. No rhyme or reason.

It’s a downer that someone who once supported your show, went to the same campus as you, and lived in the same neighborhood as you bails out. It felt fucked up that a friend did this. I say “friend” because I wasn’t interested in her past what we had. It took some time to realize that maybe she thought differently. Making her boyfriend cry. Not celebrating their anniversary. Not seeing him in her future. There definitely were issues. Maybe she was playing chessboards and examinig her options. I could be wrong. It’s possible. Regardless of logistics, or lack thereof, ghosting someone instantly benefits those who do it and leaves the person on the other end dealing with more foolish involuntary games no one likes to play. Games like self-doubt, confusion, or feeling less-than. What was it? Because I was late to meet her? Was it due to my injury? Was it because I didn’t buy her futon? I’ll never know any of that. Nothing awesome about this, people.

However, one important thing we teach here on Ω+ is that we seperate the music from the individual. Your friends come and go, first encounters turn sour, and even valued relationships crash and burn. Their lasting impression, however, stays in the music they give you. We’ll take that. Cassettes, burned CDs, file trading, playlists over faults, we say. We always want the most of our connections and we always try our best to do right by them. We can’t write off how My Bloody Valentine opened our eyes with shoegaze to where it’s a regular thing on our broadcast. Bands like Black Tambourine and Courtney Love (not Hole, but the K Records-signed duo) made some of our better springtime moments like Shiny Two Shiny did during winter and Marine Girls in autumn. Skywave even became one of our favorites to play when we want to blow our broadcasts right out of the sky (Stargazer Lilies, too). Not all of the songs Sarah sent me made it to broadcast or even became favorites of mine. But, here’s one interesting way to feel where one’s head and heart is at.

Just like the discriminating hipster girl I met in Stony Brook’s art bloc who showed me Helium’s “XXX” (1995) or how one of my ex-’s opened my eyes to John Frusciante and riot grrl, music is the one thing that ends in a positive finish and still does good by us. There’s no ill will towards Sarah and it could’ve been worse. We wouldn’t want it that way. We can’t write someone off or their music entirely because of how it ended. When you look at it, it’s been nothing but good all the way through. These things happen for whatever reason, apparent or not. I know I’m not the only one. It’s one thing to ask for a modicum of respect. We can’t tell people what we want of them or how to feel. It’s another that the moves they make on us music-wise outweigh the bad. Those are the feel-good moves that truly stay with us.

Suffice to say, I never got around to the Nirvana tribute. But, what’s really keeping us from doing one? We may if there’s a significant anniversary or birthday close by because that’s the spirit. Shoegaze is a done deal and it’s a forever thing. Sarah and I haven’t spoken since and that’s a shame. The songs she’s given me always made for great memories. If anyone here is asking: we’re doing fine. Really. We are. How about you?

Sarah’s requests:

Bedflowers, The Songs: Summer 1990

Slowdive “Morningrise”

Black Tambourine “Black Car”

My Bloody Valentine “Only Shallow”

Young Marble Giants “Posed By Models”

Courtney Love (band) Uncrushworthy

Shiny Two Shiny “Through The Looking Glass”

Ceremony “Old”

Eternal “Breathe”

Cocteau Twins “Circling Girl”

My Bloody Valentine “Drive It All Over Me”

Clean, The “Beatnik”

Bats, The “North By North”

Clean, The “Anything Could Happen”

Young Marble Giants “Ode To Booker T”

Nirvana “Old Age”

Tiger Trap “Sour Grass”

Swirlies “Jeremy Parker”

Sonic Youth “Stalker”

Stereolab “Jenny Ondioline”

Marine Girls “In Love / Honey”

Beat Happening “Hey Day”

Broken Water “Heal”

Cocteau Twins “Watchlar”

Young Marble Giants “Brand New Life”

Beat Happening “Noise”

Sonic Youth “White Cross”

Mazzy Star “Halah”

L7 “Andres”

Go Team, The “935 Patterson”

Shop Assistants (various)

Mum (various)

Rocketship (various)

Skywave (various)

Teen Suicide (various)

[angelasscribbles]

The Crown and the Shield Chapter 6: Let's Be Happy

Series: The Crown and the Shield

Fandom: The Royal Romance

Pairings: Constantine x Jackson

Word Count: 699

Rating: PG

Warnings for this chapter: None

My other stuff: Master List.

Constantine and Jackson stood side by side watching their sons on the fencing piste.  

Liam Rys and Drake Walker were born just days apart and had been inseparable almost from the time they could walk.

At eight years old, Drake showed a real propensity for the art of fencing. Liam’s giggles floated up to the balcony where their fathers stood until the fencing master’s sharp tone put an end to any frivolousness. 

“Have you told her yet?” Jackson pressed.

“I….can’t! What if she leaves me, Jack?”

“She won’t! Anyone can see how much she loves you and those boys!”

“But Helena-“

“Eleanor is not Helena. She’s a good person, a good queen, a good mother. She won’t leave and she deserves to know the truth.”

Constantine sighed as he watched his son lunge forward and almost disarm his opponent. Quite a feat considering Drake’s skill with a foil. His chest swelled with pride. The boy was happy, healthy, and intelligent. Everything he could have asked for in a child.

Leo was happy too and after what his biological mother had put him through, that was a feat in and of itself. One that he owed Eleanor for.

He owed her everything. He owed her for the existence of his second son and for the restored happiness of his first. He owed her for elevating his own reputation with the populous and he owed for all she had done for Cordonia.

He owed her…but he didn’t love her. Not really. Not the way he loved Jackson. Didn’t he owe it to Jackson to live a life as authentic as possible?

Bianca knew about their relationship and had married Jackson anyway. Constantine had mixed feelings about it. Jack seemed happy. His relationship with Bianca was easy and filled with mutual affection. Clearly, Jack returned at least some of her affection as evidenced by the existence of a second child. Drake may have been conceived from a place of grief and rebound sex, but Savannah had been a choice.

Constantine had done his duty to his country and produced the spare his father had requested of him, then never touched his wife again. Not in a sexual way. He wasn’t sure how much Eleanor loved him versus simply loving the life, and the family, he had given her.

She shouldn’t love him. He had given her nothing but lies and a loveless marriage.

As if reading his mind, Jackson nudged him and said, “You’ve given her two children and a throne, Connie. It’s enough.”

“I hope you’re right,” he sighed. He wanted nothing more than to stop hiding, at least from those closest to him, “I’ll tell her after Madrid.”

They would be leaving for their trip to Spain in two days. The Spanish government was hosting peace talks between Rivala, Auvernall, Monterisso, Cordonia, and Vallenheim. There was enough to worry about with travel preparations, negotiations to stabilize the region, and security concerns because of recent increased activity within the Liberation Core. 

“Really?” A grin the size of Texas lit up Jackson’s face.

“Yes, really,” the king chuckled, “Then we can take that vacation we keep talking about.”

“White water rafting in Costa Rica? Just the two of us?”

“Just the two of us,” Constantine promised.

“Yes!” Jackson refrained from doing a little jump. Anyone could see them after all. “Speaking of the Madrid trip, I have a lot of work to do to get ready for that.”

“You could let someone else handle that, sneak away with me for lunch.”

“As tempting as that is, keeping you alive is my priority and I take the responsibility very seriously.”

“I know. Don’t forget to keep yourself alive as well, Jack. I couldn’t take it if something happened to you.”

“Nothing’s going to happen to me,” Jackson squeezed his hand quickly then dropped it before anyone noticed. He threw a wave over his shoulder as he exited the balcony.

Two days of preparations, a week in Spain, and then their relationship would be out in the open, more or less. They could finally be together the way they wanted to, the way they used to be before the crown got in the way.

[mikegraves]

The Mighty Fall / Part 1

Mikegraves fic from Gideon's perspective exploring Mike's alcoholism and the Glow, inspired by The Mighty Fall by Fall Out Boy

CWs: toxic relationship on both sides, alcoholism, the Glow

it's getting clear, you're never coming clean so i'll lock you up inside and swallow, swallow the key...

“You think you’re sooooo cool, don’t you?” 

It’s times like this that you hate him. Giggling and snorting and spitting his annoying cruelty all over himself like the lowlife he is. 

“You think you’re all– c’mere baby and, and…” He trails off and snickers. “You’re so totally the lamest guy I’ve ever been with. And the richest!” He dissolves into dry, drunken giggles. You hate him.

Michael Loveless, a man with a name that’s all too fitting, is draped over your shoulders, getting his drool on your designer suit jacket. You’d move, but you know he’d make a huge bitchy deal about it, so you remain cramped on the couch, making sure he doesn’t choke on his own tongue.

(Even if it would serve him right.)

“You got anything in the fridge?” He asks, elbowing you. “I want Mike’s.” He stops and giggles. “Hehe. Mike wants Mike’s”

“You’ve had enough to drink.” You say.

“Fuck you, you’re not my dad.” He grumbles, trying to shove your face and missing. “Mike’s ain’t even a drink, ‘s just fruit water or whatever the fuck, jerk…”

“I don’t even have that.” You grab his hand and move it back down to his side. “It’s for broke college kids who can’t handle their alcohol.” You pause. “Like you.” Except for the college part, because you couldn’t even finish your degree, idiot. 

“Go fuck yourself, Gideon, for real.” He punches your shoulder. It doesn’t hurt, since he’s weak and drunk, but his bony little knuckles stay pressed into your flesh. “You suck. I should just go, like…” He trails off, and you can practically see his brain waves buffering.

“God, sit up.” You push him so he’s sitting next to you, albeit slumped and unhappy. “You’ve really got to learn your limits, Mike…” 

“Omigod, just die or something.” He groans. “Go date Ramona if you hate me so much…”

You thought you’d like him drunk, you really did. Drunk Mike in your head was ditzy, the type to embarrass himself, but in a cute way, a way that gave you the upper hand. 

Drunk Mike is not cute. Drunk Mike is mean and cruel and calls you names, but unlike Sober Mike, he’s serious. Drunk Mike is a handful and a half, a self-centered mess that says every stupid insult and threat that pops into his mind. Drunk Mike is everything wrong with your boyfriend dialed up to a hundred, and the worst part is that Drunk Mike only ever wants more.

If you were the type to worry, you’d be terrified for him. As it is, you’re furious.

You didn’t ask for this. You didn’t sign up to be the caretaker-slash-punching bag for an alcoholic manchild with anger issues. 

(And yes, maybe you’re a little mad that you can’t control him in this state. Maybe you hate being the object of anger rather than its director. At least you’re self-aware.)

“Don’t talk about Ramona,” You say, trying to keep your tone even. “You’re drunk. You don’t know what you’re saying.”

“Oh, yes I do.” He snickers, devoid of humor. “Ramooooona. You’re never gonna get over her, are you? Never gonna accept that she fuckin’ hates you!” He laughs again. “Stupid…”

You grit your teeth. He’s not sane right now. You’ll deal with him in the morning.

“Y’know, I bet she talks about you, too. I bet when she’s sleeping with her new boyfriends and girlfriends, she’s all– oh, you’re soooo much better than my ex, he was such a weirdo control freak!” Another mean snort. “And you totally deserve it, too. I bet you treated her way better than you treat me. Right? Cause you don’t even like me, right?”

He pokes and jabs at your shoulder. You feel your palm itch.

“You totally don’t give a fuck about me!” He laughs. “You think I’ll sleep with you just ‘cause you’re rich and you buy me drinks, and you’re right! You ass…”

It would be so easy. Just a little tap and he’d be infected with it. He’d be fixed. (But what if he turns out like Ramona?)

You don’t think he’s smart enough to harness the Glow, but he’s certainly got enough self-loathing for it. 

“I’m not even blackout, you cheapskate… next time you’re gonna buy me more!”

As much as you hate him, you don’t want to risk him getting away, too. You don’t want The Glow to push him away.

“God… no wonder Ramona left you.”

Time seems to stand still. Your hand is glowing before you even realize it.

“The fuck is…”

He doesn’t get a chance to finish his question, because you press your hand against his forehead, sending Glow coursing through his body. His eyes flutter closed, and the energy dissipates, except for the pulsing halo of light around his head. 

Perfect.

The quiet hangs heavy in the air, Mike’s body still and peaceful. You run a hand through your hair. There’s no going back now.

If you were a little more illusioned, you might say that it’s for his own good, but it really isn’t. It’s for your own good. 

Now that you’ve got a path into his head, you could hypothetically fix him. You could erase his alcoholism completely. But you won’t.

You don’t want to fix him, you want to trap him in his problems. You want him to implode, you want him to beg you to pick up the pieces.

You pick him up and set him next to you in bed, clothes still on, the scent of sweet vermouth hanging in the air.

You lie there, wide awake, as his head slowly dims into darkness.

Emotional warfare.

[cocogrrrl]

2 - the village

(part of "my princess (choose your own adventure)") cw: near breakdown bc of sensory overstimulation wc: 1206

“I’d rather visit the local village than go to some prissy ball.” You whispered in his ear so that none of your parents—although out of earshot—could hear. “I want to get to know the culture here.”

“I like the sound of that.” He smiled. “Let’s go then, princess.” He said, offering his arm out for you, to which you gladly took it.

The ride to one of the villages wasn’t too long. It took about 10 minutes, give or take. During those few minutes, you spent your time talking about some things.

“I really like the feeling of watching sunrises, especially after a stormy night where you could smell the rain out of the soil,” Kyle said.

“Really? Cause I prefer late, stormy nights where it’s just you and the rain hitting the pane of your window.” You replied. “Although, I really like yours as well. The smell of the grass post-rain-showers is lovely.” 

Your conversation was cut short, but it didn’t feel like you wanted more. I mean, you had Kyle for the whole week, you could continue that conversation anytime. Actually, you had Kyle for pretty much the rest of your life.

That realization hit you, and you felt a little scared. The future scared you as a whole. You never thought you’d live this far, so who will you be in the future? Would you be happy, proud of your marriage? There was a high probability it would end up loveless and lonely, and that’s one of the last things you wanted out of this.

You brushed the string of thoughts off, stepping foot out of the carriage as Kyle helped you down. In an instant, loud clattering and the smell of baked goods filled your sense. The oven treats would be a delight to you if the rest of your surroundings weren’t so chaotic. You felt trapped, overwhelmed by everything around you.

Back at yours, the streets weren’t always this busy and crowded. You didn’t go out that often, yes, but the place was bustling. You felt your body tensing up in stress. You felt yourself slowly backing up.

Luckily for you, Kyle seemed to notice the stress on your face. He turned back to you, gently putting your hand in his as he squeezed it a few times. “Are you okay? Do you want to continue?”

You hesitantly nodded, inching yourself closer to him.

“Are you sure? I’m being serious about this.” He said with some sense of sternness—not enough to scare you off, but enough to get his seriousness across the room, lightly massaging your shoulder with his other hand.

“Yeah, sorry. I’m just a little overwhelmed by all this noise and stuff…” You said, taking a deep breath and then giving a reassuring smile to him.

“Alright, but if you want to go, tell me, okay? I’d hate to make you uncomfortable.” He said, giving you a sympathetic smile.

“Ahhh, thank you…” You sighed, finding yourself to cling to him to ground yourself.

“You don’t need to thank me.” He spoke as a blush was scattered all over his face.

The next few minutes passed by a little rockily, but honestly? You couldn’t get your mind off of Kyle. You thought, for a split second, that he would tell you just get over it and would judge you for making a big deal over nothing. You appreciated that he didn’t. You hardly ever get kind treatments like that, so the fact that he seemed to already care about you made you feel bubbly and happy. You smiled, knowing to yourself that you’ll be with someone who’ll look out for you.

He brought you to the local bakery, where the aromatic smell from earlier was from. You still were a little tense, though. You felt like you were about to jolt at anything and everything at any given point. 

“Hello, Kyle! What are you getting?” The baker greeted you two. “Who’s the lady you got?”

You looked up at Kyle, and he seemed a little dizzy. From helping you out to all the questions he was getting, you wouldn’t put that past him if he too, was overwhelmed. “For me, I’ll take the usual. What do you want, YN?” He smiled, softly turning you at the latter half. “Oh, uh, this is YN from Halcyon. She’s my fiancee.” He added.

You scanned the options. My, how there was an assortment of baked goods to choose from. Bread rolls, buns, muffins, loaves, pies, cakes; it seemed unending. You’re sure, by the looks of them, that they all tasted great, though.

“So soon?! You still have a whole life to live!” The baker said. Although you suppose that what he did was quite out of the pocket and definitely not what you expected, you didn’t take much offense to it. I mean, it isn’t yours or Kyle’s choice to get married, and if you weren’t in this predicament, you were sure you would be a life in the wild studying animals more than anything else.

“You do realize she’s right here, yes?” He raised a brow at the baker. “Besides, my fiancee is a wonderful person. I’m not throwing my life away by marrying her. She makes me happy. Thank you very much.” You could feel a sort of anger bubbling up in his voice. After that, he took you by the arm and led you out of the store.

By now, the crowd had died down a little, easing your senses. “People,” he sighed, rolling his eyes. “I’m sorry you had to hear that.”

“It’s fine.” You smiled. “Thank you for defending back there, even if we’re not like an actual actual couple. I really appreciate it.” You said, wrapping your arms around his shoulders as your gaze was focused on his. At that moment, he was all you could think about. You didn’t even realize it.

“Of course.” He returned the look back at you.

Besides those awkward mishaps, the rest of the afternoon went along swimmingly. You two spent some time in an antique shop, and he even bought you a little charm he caught you staring at. You said he didn’t have to, but he obliged.

The ride home was composed of giggles and whispers. You came to realize that, in a span of a few hours, you really liked Kyle. You realized that, out of all of the possible people, you were lucky that it was him who you were going to marry. Yeah, you can see yourself enjoying your life with this man. Was it so soon? Maybe, but it’s not like you had a choice. What mattered to you was that, at this moment, you knew that everything would be alright.

“YN,” he hummed your name as you two were in the footsteps of the palace. You had just been dropped off by the carriage. You looked up at him in reply. “Do you wanna explore beyond just here? There are a couple of horses in the back, I think would be fun if we could go for a ride.”

Which do you pick?

Sure!

I’d love to, but I don’t know how to ride a horse.

I’m kinda tired. I think I should rest.

[kanisema-blog]

Teenage Mercenary

Chapter 2: Unfinished Conversations

The studio was buzzing with the soft hum of conversation as my clients worked on their art. I made my way from one to the other, offering quiet encouragement or a guiding hand when needed. It was the usual group today, and I could sense their energy was more focused than usual. They seemed content, lost in the creative process.

"You’ve really got a good eye for color," I said, stopping next to Olivia, one of my regulars. She looked up from her canvas and smiled shyly, her cheeks flushed. "Thanks, Sarah. I’ve been working on it."

"Well, it shows," I said, leaning in to get a better look at the swirling patterns of blues and greens she was using. "It feels like the ocean, but… also like a storm. It’s beautiful."

Olivia’s smile widened, and I could see a glimmer of pride in her eyes. That’s what I loved most about this job—helping people express themselves in ways they couldn’t put into words.

As I continued moving through the room, I overheard snippets of conversation from the others. They were talking about me.

"Sarah’s really something, isn’t she?" one of them said.

"Yeah, she’s got this calm vibe, like… she really gets it."

"I’ve never had a therapist who understood me like she does."

I pretended not to hear, but inside, it warmed me. I wasn’t in this for praise, but knowing I was making a difference, that my clients trusted me—that meant everything.

Just as I was about to head back to my desk, the door creaked open, and a familiar face peeked in. Marilyn. She stepped into the room, her long blonde hair tied back, sunglasses perched on her head like she was coming from somewhere glamorous. Her smile was wide but didn’t quite reach her eyes.

"Marilyn," I greeted, surprised but happy to see her. "You here to check out my work?"

"More like check in on my favorite therapist," she teased, pulling me into a quick hug. "Got a minute?"

I glanced around the room. My clients were engrossed in their work. "Yeah, let’s go to my office."

We made our way to the small office tucked at the back of the studio, away from the noise. Marilyn sank into one of the chairs, letting out a long, dramatic sigh as I sat across from her.

"So, what’s going on?" I asked, leaning forward, sensing there was something more than her usual cheerful exterior.

Marilyn fidgeted with the bracelets on her wrist before looking up at me. "Sarah, I’m… I don’t know how to say this. I’m getting married."

I blinked. "Married? That’s… I didn’t even know you were seeing anyone."

She rolled her eyes, a bitter laugh escaping her lips. "That’s because I’m not. It’s Kaleb. Remember him? My family’s been pushing this on me for months now, and I can’t keep avoiding it."

"Kaleb," I repeated, memories of the overly polite, wealthy son of a business associate flashing through my mind. He was the last person I could imagine Marilyn wanting to be with. "You don’t want to marry him."

"I don’t," she confirmed, crossing her arms over her chest. "But they won’t take no for an answer. It’s all about the family business. Merging companies, keeping everything tied up neatly in a bow. It’s not about love. It’s never been about love."

I leaned back in my chair, letting her words sink in. I knew Marilyn’s family—they were old money, and traditions meant everything to them. But to hear that she was being forced into a loveless marriage…

"Marilyn," I began softly, "you don’t have to do this. I mean, it’s your life. You should be the one who gets to choose."

She sighed again, running her fingers through her hair. "It’s not that simple, Sarah. If I don’t go through with it, my family… they’ll cut me off. I’ll lose everything. I just don’t know what to do."

I reached across the desk, placing my hand on hers. "You do what’s best for you. Don’t let anyone make you feel like you don’t have a choice."

She smiled weakly. "I wish it were that easy."

We decided to take a break and have lunch at a small bistro nearby. The sun was shining, and the streets were busy with people going about their day. Marilyn and I found a quiet table in the corner, and after ordering, she leaned forward, her voice dropping to a whisper.

"Do you think I’m making a mistake?" she asked.

"I think," I said carefully, "that you’re in a tough position. But deep down, you already know what’s right for you. You just need to trust yourself."

She looked down at her hands, twisting the napkin in her lap. "It’s just… I don’t want to end up like my parents. Trapped in something that feels more like a business deal than a marriage."

"Then don’t," I said softly. "You deserve more than that, Marilyn."

She didn’t say anything for a long moment, and we ate mostly in silence after that. But I could tell she was thinking, the weight of her decision pressing down on her.

After lunch, Marilyn had to rush off to a meeting, leaving me alone at the table. I watched her disappear into the crowd, my heart heavy for her. I wished there was something more I could do, but some battles had to be fought alone.

I stayed behind at the bistro, feeling the need for fresh air. The restaurant had a small balcony that overlooked the city, so I wandered outside, leaning against the railing as I let the breeze cool my face. The view was breathtaking—the skyline stretching out, the buildings glowing in the late afternoon sun.

I closed my eyes for a moment, taking it all in, trying to shake the heaviness in my chest. The day had been long, and Marilyn’s visit had left me feeling unsettled.

Just as I was about to head back inside, I heard footsteps approaching behind me. At first, I thought it was the waiter or maybe someone from the restaurant, but when I turned, my breath caught in my throat.

There, standing just a few feet away, was Warren Ackers.

For a second, it felt like the ground beneath me shifted. The same piercing gaze, the same confident stance. The years had barely changed him. He looked older, sharper, but still undeniably Warren.

My heart pounded in my chest, and I fought the urge to step back. Memories crashed into me—memories I had buried deep, hoping they’d never surface again. Memories of us… and the way he had shattered everything when he cheated on me with Yennifer, my best friend at the time.

"Sarah," he said softly, as if testing the sound of my name on his lips.

I didn’t answer, didn’t move. I just stared at him, unable to reconcile the man standing in front of me with the boy I once loved.

"I didn’t expect to see you here," he continued, his voice calm, almost casual, as if the years between us hadn’t been filled with silence and heartache.

I swallowed, trying to find my voice. "I didn’t expect to see you either."

There was a beat of silence, the air between us thick with unspoken things. Warren shifted, as if he wanted to say more, but I couldn’t let him. Not now. Not yet.

"I should go," I said abruptly, turning to leave, but his voice stopped me.

"Sarah, wait."

I froze, my heart pounding in my ears. I didn’t want to wait. I didn’t want to hear whatever he had to say. But somehow, I couldn’t move.

We stood there in silence, the weight of our past pressing down on us like a heavy stone, neither of us knowing how to lift it.

Finally, I looked at him, my voice barely a whisper. "What do you want, Warren?"

He didn’t answer right away, and in that silence, all the years between us hung like a shadow, reminding me of everything we had been… and everything we had lost.

Warren stood there, the silence between us stretching thin, but his eyes never left mine. There was something in his expression that made my heart twist. He looked older, more worn by the world, but those eyes… they still carried the same weight that used to pull me in, and it terrified me that they could still affect me like this.

"I didn’t come here to… make this hard for you," he finally said, his voice soft, cautious, like he was treading on fragile ground. "I was in town for a meeting, and I saw you… I couldn’t just walk away."

A bitter laugh escaped me before I could stop it. "Couldn’t walk away?" I repeated, shaking my head. "You’re good at that, Warren. You walked away just fine before. I didn’t think seeing me would stop you now."

He flinched, just slightly, but it was enough. The old hurt surfaced, the one I thought I had buried deep enough that it wouldn’t reach me anymore. But here it was, simmering just beneath the surface, threatening to break through.

"I know I don’t deserve to stand here and talk to you," he said, his voice steady but laced with regret. "But I just… seeing you after all these years, I couldn’t leave without saying something."

I turned to face him fully, the weight of our past pressing on my chest like a vise. "Saying what, exactly? That you’re sorry? That it was a mistake? That you didn’t mean to hurt me?"

His eyes darkened, the way they always did when something hit too close to home. He ran a hand through his hair, letting out a heavy breath. "I’m not here to ask for forgiveness, Sarah. I know I don’t have the right. But I need you to know… I never stopped thinking about you. About what I did."

I felt my jaw clench. "You think that changes anything? That it makes it better because you feel guilty?"

He was silent for a long moment, his gaze never leaving mine. "No. It doesn’t change what I did. I know that. But it’s not just guilt, Sarah. I know I lost something—someone—who meant more to me than anything else. And I ruined it."

There it was, the rawness in his voice that made my heart ache, despite everything. But I couldn’t let myself be pulled back into that spiral. I wouldn’t.

"You didn’t just ruin what we had, Warren," I said, my voice trembling, the years of pent-up pain spilling out. "You ruined me. You took everything I believed in—everything I believed about love, about trust—and you crushed it. And for what? For Yennifer?"

His face paled at the mention of her name, as if it still stung him, too. "It wasn’t—" he stopped himself, taking a deep breath. "It wasn’t about her, Sarah. It was my own mess. I was young, stupid, selfish. And I can’t take it back. But I swear to you, I’ve hated myself for it every day since."

I wanted to laugh again, to tell him how empty that sounded. But the truth was, part of me had waited years to hear him say those words. To hear that it wasn’t my fault, that I wasn’t the one who wasn’t enough. That it was him—his failure, his betrayal.

And yet, it didn’t bring me any peace.

"Years too late," I muttered, turning back to the view of the city, trying to steady myself. The sun was dipping lower, casting everything in a soft, golden light that felt almost too peaceful for the storm raging inside me.

Warren stepped closer, not too close, but enough that I could feel his presence, the warmth of him. "I don’t expect you to forgive me. I know it’s not that simple. But if there’s anything I can do to make it right—"

"There isn’t," I interrupted, cutting him off sharply. "You can’t undo the past, Warren. You can’t fix what’s already been broken."

He swallowed hard, and I saw the pain flash across his face, but I didn’t let myself soften. Not this time.

"Look," I said, forcing my voice to steady. "I’ve spent years moving on. It wasn’t easy, and there were days I thought I wouldn’t make it through. But I did. I became someone who could live without you, without the mess you left behind. And I’m not going back to that place."

He was quiet for a long time, and I thought maybe, finally, he would walk away. But instead, he spoke softly, his voice carrying an edge of something I couldn’t quite place.

"I’m glad you found your way," he said, his tone heavy with meaning. "You deserve more than I ever gave you. More than I ever was."

I kept my gaze fixed on the horizon, my hands gripping the railing tightly. I didn’t trust myself to look at him, not now. Not when the past was swirling around us like a whirlwind, pulling me in despite all the walls I had built.

"I should go," Warren said after what felt like an eternity. "I didn’t mean to bring all this up. I just… I wanted you to know."

I nodded stiffly, still refusing to meet his gaze. "Goodbye, Warren."

There was a pause, and then the soft sound of his footsteps retreating, fading into the bustle of the city. I didn’t turn around. I couldn’t. Not until I was sure he was gone.

Only then did I let out the breath I hadn’t realized I’d been holding.

I stared out at the skyline, the familiar ache in my chest pulsing again, though it wasn’t as sharp as it once was. It was duller now, like an old wound that had mostly healed, but still twinged from time to time.

Warren Ackers had come back into my life, if only for a moment, and it was like the past had been ripped open. But I wasn’t that broken teenage girl anymore. I was someone different now, someone stronger.

I took one last deep breath of the cool evening air, then turned to head back inside.

Maybe it wasn’t over—not really. But I wasn’t the one who would be left standing in the wreckage this time.

Whatever came next, I was ready.

[wildestdreamcatcher]

Cigarette Ashes

Summary: Kai and Aria break up for the last time

TW: Mentions of sex, toxic relationships, unhappiness, jealousy, breaking up

I sat beside Kai on my bed, he was flicking cigarette ashes onto the ashtray. He never usually stayed after we had sex, not anymore. We had this routine where he would come to my house, we’d fuck and he’d leave after. It was like I was a fucking hooker and not his girlfriend but I guess nothing we did had been romantic in months. I missed when he had this hostile passion for me. He used to write songs about me, he’d break up with all the other girls he had flings with when we were broken up because I was the only one that ever mattered, he used to defend me. Hell, Kai beat the shit out of a guy just for flirting with me because that was when I meant something to him. I traced the shitty stick and poke he had of my initials on his back.

I think this relationship is slowly breaking me, piece by fucking piece. I’ve humiliated myself countless times fighting a girl over him because I was jealous, our arguments have only gotten more vicious, we don’t even talk anymore because whenever we do it turns into a fucking screaming match. Something dies inside every time we touch each other. I want to leave him, for good this time, but he’s the only constant in my life. We’ve repeated this cycle for almost 2 years now and I don’t know how to let him go. 

I know deep down, we’ll never give each other what we want. We’re both fucking insecure, unpredictable, attention whores and if we keep doing down this path we’ll end up like our parents. I don’t even know if true love exists but I know if it does, I’ll never get that with Kai. 

I don’t know why I even called Aria to ask if I could come over. I know it’s wrong, that’s why Cleo and Elijah think I’m with Kurt. Aria and I haven’t been happy since the first 3 months of our relationship but I almost feel bad for her. She only tells me this when she’s drunk out of her mind and she doesn’t think I’ll remember but she invites me over because she hates being alone in her house all the time, she’s scared of what could happen to her I guess. I could feel her running her fingers over the tattoo I got of her initials, it was fucking ridiculous of me to get that. 

I hate how I can’t leave her alone. She’s got this magnetic force and I keep getting attracted to it. I think I “love her” if I even call it that. I know I need to end the relationship but I’m not even sure if I could at this point, she’s one of the only constants in my life. I used to think she was my soulmate but I wonder if a piece of my heart is dying every time I beg her to let me see her. 

“I’ve been thinking about this for awhile Kai, and I don’t think we’re actually happy!” She said. She sounded like she was going to cry.

“I mean when’s the last time you told me loved me? When was the last time we had talked without fucking yelling at each other? If we keep going like this we’re gonna end in up a completely loveless relationship for the rest of our fucking lives just like our parents!” 

I looked at her for a minute. She was right, I just never wanted to say it. Apart of me was happy living like this because at least I got some form of the attention I craved so desperately. 

“I think we should end it, completely. You’re right, we’re never gonna be fucking happy together! I can’t keep destroying myself out of jealousy just in the hopes I’ll be the one you choose at the end of the night. It’s over, Ari. I’m sorry!” It’s funny, this is the nicest conversation we’ve had in months. 

“I’m sorry too, Kai.”

I left after that. I didn’t know what would happen as I drove off. She didn’t run after me like she always did when we broke up. I wondered if I would end up with her again just like we did every time. I know we need to be sober of each other and I hope we finally fucking do it this time. 

@blowflygrls @sadlonelyyogurt @vommitgirl