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jpegjade · 4 years ago

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Hot girl summer - Spencer

Request:

yay requests :)) I would love something where the reader is insecure about her body, but spencer comforts her and reassures her that her beauty goes way beyond her body. no worries if you can’t get to it! thanks 🥰

Warnings: a couple swear words and a little suggestive thing at the end. Also it’s about the reader’s low self-esteem and general unease with her body so if you have a problem with reading it at any point, do not feel inclined to continue. Seriously mental health first.

I MAY HAVE GONE A LITTLE OVERBOARD. I struggle with this so this one hit home (thank you anon for this one, like genuinely). IM SO SORRY IF YOU WANTED SOMETHING LIGHTER.

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It was hot, sweltering even. Your fan did almost nothing to cool the apartment off and there was no other way to cool off. The hotter it got the more layers Spencer took off. Right now, he was down to being shirtless and wearing a pair of khakis lounging on the couch with his hands behind his head. He was a marvel to stare at like that. You were thankful for the hot day but damn were you hot.

“You’re still wearing that hoodie? We’re at the beginning of Summer. Statistically, hyperthermia is bound to set in if you don’t shed a layer or two and stay hydrated. You haven’t been drinking enough fluids lately. I can tell because you aren’t sweating. Shedding a layer or two would help your body cool down. And I wouldn’t mind, also…” He said, sheepishly. He had the cutest grin on his face. He was so proud of himself for being smooth.

The relationship had been steady the past couple months. It was nice to have someone who cared so greatly about you. It was also nice to know that he paid attention to you in such detail. You smiled at him as he sat up on the couch. You looked him up and down, wondering how long it had been since-

“Y/N? Are you okay? I’m really concerned.” His brow furrowed a little as he scanned your face for any sign of recognition. You being unresponsive was concerning him.

“Yeah… I just don’t really feel like taking the hoodie off, I guess.” You said, not able to meet his eyes.

“Please, I’m begging you. I really don’t want you suffering from heat stroke. It can be extremely difficult to cool your body down and while I have the knowledge, I don’t have the right equipment to correctly care for you. If it’s a life or death situa-”

“I don’t feel comfortable in my body and I hate when you see me without anything on.” You blurted out. Suddenly, everything started to come out. “I’ve gained weight since the quarantine, I’ve gotten bigger. My clothes don’t fit like they used to and you haven’t changed. You’re fit without even trying and you don’t have to worry about this stuff because you’re you. You’re skinny. You fit your clothes. You haven’t gone through what I’ve been dealing with for weeks and I’ve worked so hard to hide it from you but I’m tired… I’m tired of looking at myself in the mirror and hating every inch of what I see in the reflection. And I hate that you see me like this. Okay? Can we drop it now?”

You didn’t mean for it to come out the way it did. You didn’t want to attack him or make him feel like you meant to hurt him. You watched as he tried to say something, his mouth opening and closing. He licked his lips and didn’t say anything. That’s when you started to feel it rising up, the anger. The frustration. The hatred. All at yourself. You couldn’t believe that you said that to your boyfriend, the only guy who had ever loved you as you were. So many people had come and gone in your life, people that taught you how to truly hate yourself and it stuck. The words, the feeling, everything stuck. And now, it was coming back to bite you after you worked so hard to keep it hidden from him, especially during these past few months.

“I’m sorry if I’ve said something to make you feel like you… I didn’t mean to pry or make you feel uncomfortable. I thought it was-” He started, looking down at his hands.

“Spencer, it’s not you. It’s me. I’ve always been like this. It’s not your fault. You’ve been nothing but good to me. I promise. It’s always been me and especially now, I don’t… I’m sorry. I just don’t like when you look at me the way you do...” You stared at your feet, covered in mismatched socks. You couldn’t find the matches and all you wanted was to cover up today.

There was a silence, uncomfortable and suffocating. Everything was wrong. It was your fault that this happened… All you had to do was-

“Come on.” Spencer left the couch, grabbing your hand and leading you to the bathroom. All you could think was how he was going to break up with you now that he knew you weren’t as confident as you made yourself seem most recently.

“Okay. Stand right here, in front of me.” He put his arms around your waist from behind and bent over a little to sit his head in the crook of your neck and your shoulder.

“Spencer, if you’re going to break up with me, just do it. Don’t mess around and…” You felt the tears building up at the thought of living without him.

“Shhh. Okay, tell me what you see. Be honest and don’t hold back.” He said looking in the mirror.

“I see a really cute man with stubble and soft hands and glasses that frame his face very well.” You said, trying to hold back the tears. You hated the view of your body in the mirror, even if you were still in your heavy hoodie.

“Thank you but what do you see about the girl in front of me?” His face remained straight, unreadable.

One tear fell. Then another. Then another.

“I see someone who doesn’t deserve the person behind the person behind her. I see someone who is overweight, out of shape, someone who isn’t good enough because she doesn’t…” Your voice caught in your throat. You breathed a deep sign. “I see someone I hate. I hate her more than anyone in the world.”

“Okay, my turn.” He said, still unreadable. “I see a brilliant, kind, loving, soft, unique woman in front of me. I see someone who would rather be late because she stopped in the road to help baby ducks cross the street than be on time. I see strength and power in her shaking hands. I see someone who lives their life at a pace they can handle, never letting anyone dictate who they are. I see a woman who would do anything for her loved ones. I see someone who deserves all the good in the world because that’s what she gives out. I see light and love and peace and joy all wrapped up in the body of someone who is soft, gentle, and beautiful. I’ve noticed changes but I see the changes on the inside. So what if you’ve gained some more squish? I love it like I love the rest of you. So what if I’m built like a stick? I can’t fill a dress with curves like you. You don’t deserve me. You deserve better. And I want to be better for you, in any way that I can. You deserve the best because you give the best type of love there is: Pure, innocent, and bright.”

You looked back up at your reflection, suddenly feeling warm inside. He thought all those things about you… He thought such nice things about you… Why couldn’t you think of those things?

“I don’t see it.” You said, your voice small.

“It’s okay. You won’t now but being better for you means that I remind you. And you’ll slowly see it.” He said, kissing your cheek. “But for now, I would like to cool off with a cold bath.”

“Oh, okay. I’ll go read my book.” You said, pulling away from him. Or at least you attempted to. Spencer pulled you back to where you previously were standing.

“Here’s what’s going to happen,” His voice was low and soft but there was something else mixed in. “You’re going to get in with me and I’m going to wash your hair and massage your shoulders and help you cool off because it’s really hot but so are you. I don’t care what you say, you could literally be a cardboard box and I would still want you the way I do now. And I mean now.”

“Spence…” You said, feeling your face grow hot. He rarely got authoritative but when he did, your world was rocked.

“That wasn’t a question.”

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I WRITE SUCH LONGASS ONESHOTS. DEAR LORD I NEED TO GET TO THE POINT FASTER. unless you guys like the longer ones. i get carried away

Tags:

@ancailinaerach

#spencer reid #dr spencer reid #spencer reid x reader #spencer x reader #spencer reid fluff

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telesthisia · 4 years ago

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THE POSITIVE & NEGATIVE; mun & muse - meme.

TAGGED BY: @hyaciiintho thank you so much!!! <3 TAGGING: @rcguna @cadcnce either or whatever works for you bear, @panickypeachboy @paintmaid @emfiliae @windmcge and you as well!! The person reading this

FILL OUT & REPOST ♥ this meme definitely favors canons more, but i hope oc’s still can make it somehow work with their own lore, and lil’ fandom of friends & mutuals. multi-muses pick the muse you are the most invested in atm. <--- leaving this here because this is super sweet ALSO FAIR WARNING my blog has right click turned off. I’m going to be placing this under readmore but I think you can see it on dashboard view! If not lmk we’ll work something out!!!

MY MUSE IS: CANON / OC / AU (Verse dependent) / CANON-DIVERGENT (Interactions & verse dependent) / FANDOMLESS

Is your character popular in the fandom? YES well kinda at least thanks to ssbu before she wasn’t that well known I MEAN PPL KNEW HER BUT SHE DIDN’T HAVE AS MANY FANART AS OTHER ZELDAS SDJBKHJABSD/ NO

Is your character considered hot™ in the fandom? YES / NO / IDK because not too many people talk about her and by her I mean ALTTP Zel, people are bonkers over SSBU Zel!

Is your character considered strong in the fandom? YES / NO if we’re talking about the canon of ALTTP and OoX series rather than ssbu it’s a hard no, she has enough magic to be considered a sacrifice to break barriers and revive the dead but not enough to fend herself off from evil mages who want to talk over the world / IDK

Are they underrated? YES / NO

Were they relevant for the main story? YES / NO / MAYBE

Were they relevant for the main character? YES / NO / THEY’RE THE PROTAG

Are they widely known in their world? YES / NO / MAYBE

How’s their reputation? GOOD / BAD / NEUTRAL

HOW STRICTLY DO YOU FOLLOW CANON? NOT THAT STRICT HONESTLY, she’s just an OC at this point haha because she has zero substance in her own god damn game ;v; she’s just exposition.txt with dulcina effect playing into view though it is somewhat justified since she is the princess and the only thing that stopped Agahnim from breaking out Ganon.... I MEAN!!! SHE’S NOT AT ALL A DEPRESSED CALM ROMANTIC IN CANON LET’S PUT IT TO YOU THAT WAY SDBKASDJHBDASD.

SELL YOUR MUSE! AKA TRY TO LIST EVERYTHING, WHICH MAKES YOUR MUSE INTERESTING IN YOUR OPINION TO MAKE THEM SPICY FOR YOUR MUTUALS. TAKES A DEEP BREATH

Tiny funky elf princess trying her best to rule elf kingdom. HJKA there’s more, I’m lazy but not that lazy. She’s the descendent of essentially a mortal god, more than likely acting as an avatar of sorts to the goddess Hylia, as such she’s gifted with fantastical abilities that’s been passed down her family for generations and she intends to use these powers to protect her kingdom that’s still on the road of recovery, as the sole survivor from Agahnim’s destruction upon Hyrule and thus sole scion she’s left picking up the small fragments from the tragedy that occurred ages ago where the Hero of Time had fallen. But here’s the downside to these powers: she was born with a very weak body and poor health as such she can’t utilize the abilities she has from her bloodline aside from a few powers without affecting her low stamina issues. Namely telepathy, clairvoyance, healing, sealing things away, creating barriers, and connection with the spirit realm. As such, she tends to rely on the wisdom given to her by her naturally bright mind and enhanced by the mythical object known as the Triforce of Wisdom. Surprisingly, she can be cunning despite her soft-hearted nature and is willing to do whatever it takes to protect her kingdom and people she loves, her silent determination more than makes up for the lack of powers she may have. That in mind, she’s often the target of more nefarious plans that means the downfall of her kingdom. She may not have the amazing light magic spells her ancestors did to prevent darkness from taking over but that doesn’t mean her magic isn’t any less potent, she just can’t tap into it. She’s an easy target for enemies that wish to use her sacred powers to revive the dead Ganon or break pass whatever powerful barrier or seal that’s in place.

Her future is pretty grim as well, considering she has a shorter life span. But it’s fine, things are fine she may have a gloomy outlook on certain things but that doesn’t stop her from living life!! Despite how sour this may all seem Zelda is still that encouraging young woman whose kindness defines her, she’s playfully innocent around friends and enjoys exploring old places of decay that’s rich with history! She tends to bottle up her more negative aspects to not worry others since she’s the pillar of an entire ass nation, she needs to maintain her placid demeanor as a means to calm and soothe others around her. Because the truth of the matter is that the events of ALTTP (before the game where harsh plagues among other things happened before Agahnim arrived to fix everything as well as after the events of the game) and OoX, instances where she’s witnessed death of loved ones, the downfall of her kingdom, and coming across death herself has affected her greatly. She suffers from grief and depression that needs to be addressed but... ;v;

NGL I’M ABOUT TO CRY

NOW THE OPPOSITE, LIST EVERYTHING WHY YOUR MUSE COULD NOT BE SO INTERESTING (EVEN IF YOU MAY NOT AGREE, WHAT DOES THE FANDOM PERHAPS THINK?). HJKA TAKE OUT MY BULLSHIT TAKE ON HER AND YOU’RE LEFT WITH EXPOSITION AND DAMSEL IN DISTRESS!!! She’s not at all interesting if you don’t take into account her roles in the mangas which I somewhat base her personality and thoughts on... she’s just.... nice pretty princess that needs to be rescued. A tale as old as time....

WHAT INSPIRED YOU TO RP YOUR MUSE? GOOD QUESTION!!! BECAUSE I STARTED OUT WITH HILDA BEFORE DECIDING TO GO WITH SKY ZELDA BECAUSE I WANTED TO DO A MORE OUTGOING MUSE and then I opened up a sideblog for this Zelda out of whim. There’s no reason why I choose the most obscure Zelda, I just did it because I thought it’d be fun. I did not expect this much characterization for someone like her ngl. I guess what keeps me going is the fact that she’s a fun character to write for!

WHAT KEEPS YOUR INSPIRATION GOING? HA!!! NOTHING!!! Mental illness is a bitch, I will have my down... weeks. Not days, literal weeks or months depending on how long my episodes last. It sucks, and I try to work around it but there’s not much I can do. That said, inspiration depends on motivation and want to write. As well as focus because god knows I have so little of that.

SOME MORE PERSONAL QUESTIONS FOR THE MUN.

give your mutuals some insight about the way you are in some matters, which could lead them to get more comfortable with you or perhaps not.

Do you think you give your character justice? YES / NO I TRY BUT UNDERSTAND THERE’S NOT MUCH TO WORK WITH IN CANON YOU EITHER LIKE HER OR DON’T

Do you frequently write headcanons? YES / NO

Do you sometimes write drabbles? YES / NO but I honestly should???

Do you think a lot about your Muse during the day? YES / NO

Are you confident in your portrayal? YES where’s the kinda opition, because I personally love her and think she’s interesting enough but I’m still working a lot on her NO

Are you confident in your writing? YES / HA HARD NO

Are you a sensitive person? YES fun part of having ADD is that you feel emotions more intenstly, I’m naturally a senstive person too so :’)))) / NO

DO YOU ACCEPT CRITICISM WELL ABOUT YOUR PORTRAYAL? YES OF COURSE!!!! As someone who wants to grow more in writing any sort of feedback is appreciated!

DO YOU LIKE QUESTIONS, WHICH HELP YOU EXPLORE YOUR CHARACTER? If you give me the chance to ramble about this stupid elf I will literally love you so much like I love all sorts of questions anyone may have about her!! Though I feel my rambles don’t really make much sense since I just type whatever pops in the mind and put it down as fast as I can without double-checking well enough.

IF SOMEONE DISAGREES TO A HEADCANON OF YOURS, DO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHY? Sí! Again, I want to grow more as a writer and rper! So if someone were to come across a headcanon they don’t like I’d like to know why so that I can think more critically about it and fix it so that it better fits Zelda. If someone were to say “I don’t like this” without saying why it really won’t help much aside from letting me know that you don’t like the thing, which is fine and valid but pls let me know why!

IF SOMEONE DISAGREES WITH YOUR PORTRAYAL, HOW WOULD YOU TAKE IT? Eh, fine with it. I honestly don’t mind if someone doesn’t like my characters, any of my characters I play as! Sometimes, certain portrayals aren’t someone’s cup of tea and that’s perfectly fine. I won’t take offense to it, at the end of the day while I’m still working on Zelda I’m happy with how much she’s grown over the years I’ve played her as... which were just two but it feels longer dude!!!

IF SOMEONE REALLY HATES YOUR CHARACTER, HOW DO YOU TAKE IT? Again, I wouldn’t care that much lol. It’s just rping, it’s really not that deep. It’s no different from someone not liking a book because they just don’t vibe with the writing style among other reasons. I may be sensitive but I don’t really take a lot of things personally.

ARE YOU OKAY WITH PEOPLE POINTING OUT YOUR GRAMMATICAL ERRORS? Ye uvub! I’m a literal dumbass behind a keyboard, don’t be afraid to say “hey this wasn’t spelled right” or “hey this doesn’t make much sense mind checking it over really quick”.

DO YOU THINK YOU ARE EASY GOING AS A MUN? I THINK?! I MEAN HONESTLY I’M SUPER ANXIOUS AND A WORRYWART I JUST DON’T SHOW IT MUCH AAAAAAAA I’d like to think of myself as chill ;v; I try to treat others how I want to be treated and just try to be nice. Idk if I come across as that or not, it’s hard to convey feelings through text sometimes to some.

#THIS TOOK ME A BIT BECAUSE MY ATTENTION SPAN IS ALL OVER THE PLACE #ooc postings.#i need to sneep but.... i just need to answer meme too ;v; at least do one writing on here! i feel bad not doing much aaaa #dash games.

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paradise-of-guilty-pleasures · 5 years ago

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Shattered Reflections {10}

[Helsa RP- Fanfic]

Fandom: Frozen

Genre: Post-Frozen/ Canon Divergence

- Hurt/Comfort, Drama, Romance

Pairing(s): Hans/Elsa, Kristoff/Anna

Previous Chapter: 9. Storming the Castle

A/N: A short, but sweet chapter for you all, hope you'll enjoy, Happy Valentines~♥!

10. Tender Touch

Hans was set in the bedroom as Elsa ordered, checked on and re-bandaged as necessary while he rested. He needed a lot of sleep to recover from everything, especially when his health had been questionable to begin with. His back was mostly better, at least, but now he had his front to worry about.

So they had him rest on his back in a more comfortable bed, the ice sword remaining nearby, as he had requested, though he was in no condition to use it. Indeed, the doctor also had to tend to the hand that had held it, somewhat damaged from the ice held so hard with no cloth between.

Still, Hans' sleep seemed to be a peaceful one. He didn't seem fitful or pained, only restful. Perhaps he slept in the knowledge that she had gifted him a sword, and therefore restored to him a lot of what he had lost. Did Elsa truly understand the weight of it?

Elsa had spent all day dealing with the aftereffects of the surprise attack. It was a lot to oversee, but she wanted to do everything in her power to help her kingdom recover from the catastrophe that had just befallen them.

She finally allowed herself a break, and went to pay 'her fool' a visit. He seemed to still be soundly sleeping when she arrived, just as he'd been the other times she'd peeked in to check on him. Elsa quietly entered the room and walked up to the bedside.

He looked so peaceful in his slumber, it almost looked like he was smiling. She decided to watch over him for a while, so she gently sat down beside him on the bed. There was truly something entrancing about watching him sleep, his features strapping and yet so soft.

Elsa extended her unscathed hand over his face, she'd felt tempted to lightly brush hair out of his eyes with her fingers. She noticed there was a slight bruise on his face and remembered he'd been struck pretty hard. Her knuckles lightly traced his jawline until opening her hand and lightly cupping his cheek, somewhat lost in a trance, she might let her icy hand linger.

Hans' breathing remained slow and calm, as sleep held him firmly.

Yet, after a time, he did become dimly aware- not of his pain, first, but of the cold on his face. Not a hurtful cold, no, but more of a gentle cooling that gave him peace. He sighed a little, and just slightly tipped his injured face into her hand, before he became more aware of the pain. Keenly aware of it. He cringed a bit, and dug his undamaged hand into the cloth of his bandages- not as if to rip it off, simply as if he had forgotten his shirt was removed, and he had been aiming for that. He wasn't touching anywhere near his wounds, at least.

Ah, yes, that was a lot of pain that sleep had been hiding from him. He didn't attempt to sit up, talk, or move further. He just groaned and settled himself. At least his eyes weren't hurting. He opened his eyes and saw her, caring for him. He might have blushed if he was in any fit state to, but his blood was rather depleted at that moment, his cheeks would have to wait to receive more.

"Ah. The best of all possible sights to wake up to, in pain." He observed, after a moment of quiet. He only spoke quietly, and he was definitely acknowledging that he wasn't well.

It only took getting stabbed to do that to him.

Hans waking up, startlingly brought Elsa out of her daze. Her hand quickly left his cheek and retracted to cover her mouth. Her cheeks had wasted no time in becoming deep red with embarrassment.

" Oh no! I didn't mean to wake you up," Elsa flustered. " You were sleeping so soundly, and I disrupted your slumber, I'm so sorry!"

" I really shouldn't have touched you, but your face is bruised and I thought it might be swollen." she hastily explained.

"No, no." Hans assured, flexing his hand as if to wave the thought off. "Stay, you're a comfort. I told the doctor no painkillers- and no, it's not about my hiding pain, I promise." He was quick to add that second part. "The chill dulls the pain, stay. If you leave then I'll only be alone with it." He smiled a little, and would have chuckled, but just the thought of the moment made his wounds hurt.

"It probably is. Someone caught me with their pommel, that was more embarrassing than injurious, I promise. A light bruise, but nothing I haven't had before. I'm not even convinced it was an intentional strike." He sighed a little, now very aware of how many gestures he made while moving- now that he recognized he didn't want to move at all.

"Ah, but what of you? Healing well?"

"Hm? Yes, my shoulder is a bit better, trying my best not to move it around so much. Luckily it wasn't my writing hand." she answered. "Though, I'm more worried about you. You got scratched up far worse."

Elsa might not have suffered a lot physically during the battle, it had taken a greater toll on her psychologically.

He chuckled, or at least made a sound like it, with less air movement so he wouldn't hurt as much.

"Scratched, is a word for it. I was stabbed." He admitted, more amused than anything.

"And that wound is not letting me forget about it. But I'll be alright, as long as nothing gets infected. I think I've had enough infections for a lifetime, hm? Now, listen close." He gestured with his injured hand for her to sit close and pay attention.

"Your next step: Keep evidence of the Duke's treason. Swords, coats, any identifying marks the soldiers carried. Return the enemy bodies and any non-identifying goods with any living soldiers when there are enough to sail their own ship back to the Duke. They all go back on one boat, you keep any others. You send an envoy to the Isles, and tell them that the Duke has attempted a treason on your crown under theirs. The Duke will become their problem. You may want to mention in that letter that I fought at your side with a sword you gave me. It will tell the Isles that I am here willingly and side with you, as well as that you recognize me as a noble. They'll have no arguments to stand on, if they even wanted to argue. I doubt they will, but it doesn't hurt to be secure. Any questions?" Political advice, not from the Queen's Fool, but from the once-prince, who wanted to see to it that this never happened again.

"Here, but for now, stay. Tell me your worries so I mightn't talk so much." He smiled a little, embarrassed, or perhaps just tired.

At least now he was somewhat admitting pain, even if he still hid it with jokes and humor.

Elsa paid close attention to his words of advice. Nodding along, as she took mental notes.

"Collect evidence, one boat back, send envoy to southern isles," she listed off her mental notes, mostly to herself. "Your counsel truly is much appreciated," she said sincerely. "It has already helped me with one of my many worries, Thank you."

"I shall stay, but are you sure you want to listen to my woes?" She asked. "I sort of came to escape them," she accidentally admitted aloud. " If you wished not to speak, I'm afraid you chose the wrong companion, Olaf is far more suited for that than I," she lightly laughed.

"I have so many worries I don't even know where to begin," she sighed. " Can I just say everything? I'm pretty sure it's true."

"Ah, and here I was beginning to worry you were tired of my talking." He remarked with a smile.

"Provide some chill to numb my wounds and you can talk as long as you like. Forgive me if I drop off, it's not you, it's the lack of blood." He promised. Still, he waited to see what she had on her mind, and seemed far too attentive to risk falling asleep. He wanted little more than to know her woes.

She lightly shook her head, knowing he was probably referring to how she told him to stop after the battle.

"Oh, of course," she shifted to sit on her knees and more easily grant him the ice he requested. She hovered her hand above his bandages and began creating a light frost.

Hans sighed a little, comforted by the numbing ice. "You would have been well-suited as a nurse." He observed quietly. "Tell me your problems, then. Let me help where I may."

"I don't think I would be strong enough to be a nurse," Elsa doubted. She finished applying ice and sat sideways once more. She sighed. " Arendelle currently being defenseless is rather concerning. We're ill-prepared for another attack."

Hans nodded. "A worrisome prospect indeed," He agreed. "I may be able to assist in training, when I'm back on my feet. Is the Captain of the Guard alright? We'll have to up guard recruitment for a while, perhaps enlist some young men quickly." He paused a little and thought.

"I may have more ways of getting assistance, but I must know: What is my status, to you? Prisoner? Noble? Prince? Something else? The Isles may take your opinion of me into account, perhaps we could convince my crew, at least, to protect your sea routes, if it's authorized by the Isles." He wanted to shift up, but at even the slightest attempt to shift, he decided it hurt too much and he would just lay flat on the bed and speak toward the ceiling.

"The Captain is alright, thank goodness, but he's greatly injured as well," Elsa answered.

Elsa was not prepared to answer his second question, it caught her completely off guard. She pursed her lips and furrowed her brow. What was his status to her? He was by no means her prisoner anymore. But what was he then? That she was uncertain.

"Your status? I..." Elsa was unsure. "...I don't know... something else, perhaps?" she guessed. "...An advisor, possibly."

Hans nodded thoughtfully. "And the ice sword, is that a gift, or a loan in a time of crisis? The difference matters." He would have loved to find out through tentative wordplay and tiptoeing around the subject, as was his custom, but it mattered for political reasons, and they didn't have time to be coy about it.

"A loan?" She questioned tilting her head, that idea had not crossed her mind. " It was a gift, of course, else wise it would have melted, I trust your loyalty to Arendelle."

He nodded just slightly. "I couldn't see whether it was melting or not. I only know that it was very cold, and worked as well as steel. I haven't had the range of movement or vision to find out more." He admitted, with a bit of a calmed sigh.

"That's good, though. I've received an improved sword to the one I gave you in surrender. To the Isles, that means I'm here because I want to be here, and I work for you because I want to. They'll have some reason to listen to me if I send them messages. ...What was I going on about, that I wanted to know that?" He closed his eyes and let his mind calibrate. The lack of blood was still affecting him greatly.

"Ah, Yes; I still have no sway in the Isles' Navy anymore, but they may take my history with them into account if I ask them to ask my crew. In spite of the lashes, my crew is a loyal one, and they would come to aid us if I asked." He was certain of that. How he could be so certain with a carpet of cross hatching scars over his back, was anyone's guess.

Elsa noticed the ice burn on his wielding hand and looked over at the sword sitting on the bureau.

He spoke so warmly of his crew yet again. Elsa had no doubt of their loyalty, a man would not speak so well of them, after everything that transpired, if there wasn't deep camaraderie.

" We could really use all the help we can get."

He nodded. "When I'm up to sitting upright I'll write a letter, then." He assured. "Any other woes I can help you with, dear Queen?" He hummed sweetly, looking up at her.

There was undeniable affection there, maybe just playful, but 'playful' wasn't a tone often heard from a prisoner. As he helped her in dispatching the enemies, he would help her in dispatching her fears. He never seemed to ask much in return for that, but her company always seemed appreciated.

"Thank you," she expressed with a smile. " I think you helped address my main concerns." There was still one more pressing matter on her mind, but she didn't think he could be much help with that. And, that was Anna's inevitable interrogation.

He nodded just slightly, not wanting to move much more. "Still, though you may not have much to say, I like your company. Stay with me awhile? We don't have to talk. I am just very tired, and your presence gives me some peace. Not just because of the ice." That last part was a bit of a joke, as he smiled up at her with a certain softness. Maybe he wasn't completely in his right mind, but he wanted her attention. He moved his good hand a little, to offer it to her. That much movement didn't seem to hurt much, as long as it was a small movement from the elbow, not his whole arm. He just wanted a little bit of contact, fingers interlaced or a gentle hand-hold.

"Hm, I'll stay," she answered tenderly as she took his hand with little to no hesitation compared to the first time he'd offered it.

Just sitting in silence in each other's company, wouldn't be so bad, in fact it might have been preferable. Just feeling Hans' warmth set Elsa's mind at ease.

Hans relaxed again and seemed to settle there peacefully, closing his eyes. He wasn't sleeping, though. He couldn't. It was so very difficult to sleep with so much pain, but he didn't like the era's painkillers. If it wasn't alcohol, he'd ignore it, and his doctor had warned against alcohol with his injury. At least until he had recovered a bit, and was no longer tired from the lack of blood.

"Too tired to be awake, in too much pain to sleep." He muttered to himself with a sigh. Such was his life, it seemed.

Elsa had picked up on his murmur.

"I'm sorry," she sympathized. " Perhaps a lullaby might help." she suggested. "There's one my mother used to sing to us when we were young, it always had Anna snoring in an instant," she giggled at the bittersweet memory.

Elsa took a deep breath and without any hesitation began to softly sing.

Where the north wind meets the sea

There's a river full of memory

Sleep, my darling, safe and sound

For in this river all is found ***

Come, my darling, homeward bound

When all is lost, then all is found --

Hans certainly wouldn't have refused an offer like that.

He always suspected Elsa would have a lovely singing voice, it was so nice to know it was true as he looked up at her, with a fondness as if they were married- perhaps as if they had been for some time.

He wasn't sure what to make of the lyrics, however. Some things suited better than others.

"Was your mother a siren, or just you?" He asked, with a playful softness. It sounded like a flirt- because it almost certainly was. A little compliment that he felt was true enough. A word of kindness he wished she would take to heart and hold there.

"A siren, huh? Well, lucky for you I don't wish you to be drowned," she bantered back, with a soft smile on her lips. She didn't register it as a flirt, it definitely went over her head. Elsa was still naive or more like blissfully ignorant about that sort of thing, or at least she wanted to make herself believe. She had openly taken his words to heart. And even if she didn't acknowledge in a flirtatious manner her face was slightly flushed at the compliment, nonetheless.

Hans hummed a little, feeling comfortable there. They'd both sung songs for one-another, there was something very sweet about that. Hers were hopeful, and his was hopeless. It was strange how that went.

"When all is lost then all is found." He repeated thoughtfully. Yes, that seemed right. He had lost near everything of value, and in nearly losing his life once or twice, found something worth living for. "Will you visit me every day, while I heal?" He wanted more of these moments. Even if it was just her gentle touch at his face while he slept, or another lullaby.

"If you can, that is." He knew running a kingdom was a lot of work, after all. But, the kingdom felt far from them, in this room. A room he was only vaguely aware seemed different from the other room. No doubt he would get lost if he tried to walk beyond the door- but he was also in no position to walk at that moment.

" I'll try my best to come visit, I promise," Elsa reassured him with a gentle squeeze of the hand. She was bound to check up on him, regardless of him asking, but it was nice to hear that she was not pestering him with her presence.

He smiled a little and closed his eyes again, wanting a bit of rest, and encouraged by Elsa's hand in his. The rest of their thoughts could wait, for when he was well enough to have a prolonged conversation.

#Helsa #Iceburns #Hans x Elsa #Frozen #Fanfiction #Frozen Fanfiction #Shattered Reflections #happy valentines day

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music · 6 years ago

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Music Spotlight: Alison Sudol

New year, new you, same Music Spotlight. This week we’re highlighting singer, songwriter, and actress Alison Sudol. You may recognize this triple threat from 2016′s Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them as well as its more recent sequel, Fantastic Beasts: The Crimes of Grindelwald.

We talked to her about what it’s like having so many career oaths, what her newest music means to her, and listened to her open up about her struggles with anxiety and depression.

What's it like to have such separate music and acting careers? How do you balance your life between the two?

It's definitely a challenge, trying to balance two careers. They each feed and challenge me in different ways, and I've found that going from one to another makes me much more creatively fulfilled than if I just focused on one. Thankfully, I have an incredible team who work together beautifully so the overlap is generally kept to a minimum.

What I have learned from doing it for some time now is that sometimes you have to make sacrifices in one field to give the other the attention it needs. I've been very focused on acting for a while now, and now it's time for music. I think the most important part of creating balance, though, is doing what I can to stay grounded personally. Slowing down, taking care of my body, taking deep breaths—these little acts of self-care keep me from turning into a total stress-ball. Oh, and CBD.

What inspired you to create music about mental health, particularly anxiety and depression?

I'm particularly connected to my songs about anxiety and depression at the moment, because when I wrote them, I was in a fairly dark place and really didn't know what was going on with me. I wrote about the things I did because I had to. I was trying to figure stuff out that really didn't make sense at the time. Writing has always been a kind of therapy for me. I had a lot to work through at the time, and I felt so lost. The melodies coaxed words out of me, out of my subconscious more than anything else, and it took me a long time to process what I had written. It becomes meditative, when you sing words again and again. The meaning shifts and changes, depending on my mental state at the time, but each time, I find myself untangling a little more of the mystery.

How did you deal with your anxiety and depression? Any advice for those going through it?

I didn't know [I had anxiety and depression], not for a long time. I was afraid to admit that I was having a hard time, even to myself. When I finally sought help, it was because I felt like I was going crazy and I didn't know what else to do about it. I couldn't stop crying, I couldn't pull myself together and I couldn't see a way out of it. For a while, I took a mild antidepressant and started doing more intensive therapy. The antidepressant gave me the energy and strength to dig into things in my past that were causing a lot of the depression, which I hadn't been able to get into before without disassociating.

It was life-changing. But then the antidepressant started to give me intense anxiety. I started taking medicine for that too. That got to be a bit of a mess, especially when a third medication was prescribed to help even out the other two. What I've learned is that it's really important to be on the right stuff, and have the right people advising you. It may take some work to get there. What was right for me for 8 months turned out to not be right in the long run, but those months were incredibly important. I made countless changes to my life, breaking old patterns and choosing healthier behaviors across the board, and as a result, my mental health state improved greatly.

The best advice I have for you is to follow your instincts around your wellbeing—find ways of creating quiet space in your day to check in with yourself. Learn how to listen to your body. Cultivate friendships that support your health, and your friends' health in return as well. Find a good doctor who can talk to you. Get a counselor of some sort, if you can.

Most importantly, just know if you're suffering from mental health issues, there is no shame in it, or in asking for help.

Based on your musical journey so far, what's your biggest takeaway so far?

Trying to be "perfect" is a gigantic waste of time. Mistakes are human, and we all need to see others embrace their own humanity so we can embrace our own. Also, stop trying to please everyone, and make something that makes your body hum with joy instead.

If there was one thing you could change about the music world today, what would it be?

It's a shrinking business, and there's a lot of fear in it these days, which leads to people being very invested in keeping things familiar and easily assimilable. There's a great affection for things which fit in boxes, which make people feel safe. I wish that we could strip off the sticky shiny vanilla veneer that is slapped on most popular music and go back to a time where you could hear a person's soul in their songs.

So much music to me sounds like plastic these days. It all sounds like it was written by a couple of dudes in a windowless room in Santa Monica or some fancy song-factory in Sweden. I just wish people would take more risks and stop trying to sound like each other and make some actual music. I feel like we're hungry for it, and as long as we keep getting fed more and more junk food, the value of music is going to keep going down and the business is going to suffer worse and worse because of it.

We need to share our true selves with each other, and make way more music from that. And I hope that more people on the business side of things will get fed up with the boxes too and start taking more risks, so more unique, heart-driven music can have a chance to be heard.

Want to hear more from Alison? Check out her latest music video to “Escape the Blade” here, and follow her on Tumblr, too!

If you or someone you know is struggling with mental health issues, please know there are free and confidential help lines, text lines, and other resources for you to use no matter where you live. Take care of yourself, Tumblr. <3

#music spotlight #alison sudol #mental health

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tinkeringwithcannabis · 5 years ago

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Tinkering with Cannabis: The First 90 Minutes Episode 57

Strain: Blueberry Chocolope Sundae (Wax)

Company: Sira Naturals

Locations: Somerville, Ma

Cannabis Connoisseur: Mike V.

Website: www.siranaturals.org

Hello again to all my cannabis loving and canna-curious friends, and welcome back to another episode of The First 90 Minutes! Today we will be toking and talking about an awesome wax concentrate I picked up from my friend Mike V. at Sira Naturals in Somerville, Ma, and Blueberry Chocolope Sundae! So, as some of you more experienced users may have guessed, this is a combination of three wonderful cannabis strains, Blueberry, Chocolope, and Sundae Driver. Where this strain is a mixture, there is not a lot of information on the product as a whole pertaining to potential effects and terpene profiles, so I am going to try to determine the potential effects by breaking down the strains in this product’s lineage. Blueberry, which has a 17.0% THC content, has myrcene, caryophyllene, and pinene as its top three terpenes. It is known to make the consumer feel happy, relaxed, euphoric, sleepy, and uplifted, making this a great fit for those with issues around stress, pain, anxiety, insomnia, and depression. Chocolope, which has a THC content of 16.0%, shows myrcene, caryophyllene, and limonene as its top three terpenes. This strain has been noted to give the consumer an experience of feeling happy, uplifted, euphoric, energetic, and creative. It has been categorized as best fit for those who struggle with stress, depression, anxiety, pain, and fatigue. Our final strain, Sundae Driver, has THC levels measuring up to 23.0% with its top three terpenes are limonene, beta caryophyllene, and myrcene. This strain is said to leave the consumer feeling happy, relaxed, uplifted, euphoric, and creative. It is recommended for those looking for relief from pain, stress, depression, anxiety, and arthritis, and has been found to cause dry mouth, dry eye, paranoia, dizziness, and anxiety as potential side effects.

Looking at the breakdown of these three strains, we can pretty much gather than Blueberry Chocolope Sundae’s top three terpenes are myrcene, caryophyllene, and limonene. Myrcene can be found in mangos, ylang ylang, and hops, to name a few sources, and is found to have a balsamic, peppery, and spicy aroma. The flavor profile is that of a balsamic fruit, geranium, herb, and must. It acts as a pain reliever, anti-oxidant, and a sedative. Limonene, which is found in the rinds of most citrus fruits, and is known for its aroma of sour lemon, orange, and citrus, with a strong citrus flavor profile. Limonene has been proven to have immense benefits as a bronchodilator, digestive aid, immune booster, anti-bacterial, anti-inflammatory, analgesic, anti-anxiety, anti-tumor, and as an anti-depressant. However, these are not the only benefits of this terpene. It has also been found to promote weight loss and tissue regeneration. Finally, caryophyllene, which is found in basil, rosemary, cloves, and lavender, is known for its spicy and woody aroma and flavor profiles. It has been found to be an excellent anti-inflammatory aid and a neuropathic pain reliever.

It is due to these terpenes that I have chosen Blueberry Chocolope Sundae as my medication choice today to treat the onset of a migraine with left temple and forehead pain, nausea, and light sensitivity, in addition to stress and anxiety. The myrcene and limonene are great terpenes to target the stress and anxiety, while all three terpenes provide anti-inflammatory benefits, which are extremely vital in the treatment of migraines. A migraine occurs when the cranial blood vessels expand, and the tissue surrounding the brain is inflamed. Brain inflammation is also a great term to remember when choosing a strain to help with seizures, so focus on strains which are comprised of terpenes with high anti-inflammatory benefits. Ok, now that we have run through our background portion of this segment, I say let’s jump ahead. So let’s light up, sit back and toke and talk about the first 90 minutes!

Opening the wax container, there is a very spicy aroma with almost a citrusy, herbal kick to it. Flavor-wise, I am first hit with notes of citrus and spice, and with notes of berry and almost a very subtle sweetness as the taste fades away. Beginning this session at 4:50 p.m. with on hit of my G3 Pen on high heat, a head rush sensation hits me within minutes. This feeling has already led to a minor sense of relief from the pain I am experiencing in the left side of my forehead and temple. Although I am not noticing a significant improvement as of yet, however this is very promising as it gives me hope that the migraine-relieving properties will only intensify as the effects increase. There is a deep relaxation setting into my body, but it does not seem to be as much of a muscle-relaxation as it is a nerve calming relaxation. That may sound weird, but it is honestly the only way I can describe this sensation. At 5:00 p.m., I am feeling really unfocused, and my mind has a sort of floaty sensation. I can sense a strong cerebral hit coming on, and although it is definitely having an effect on my ability to think, it is also having a rapid effect in decreasing my anxiety and stress. I am finding that my mood is already showing signs of improvement as it begins to lift from a low and depressed state, and my anxiety is dropping from am 8 to around a 5.8. My mental stress level has fallen as well. Originally, it was at about a 9.3 and it has since dropped to a 6. The cerebral effects are coming on pretty strong at this point, and the fogginess and feeling pretty thick. The bodily relaxation is continuing to intensify and the migraine pressure has subsided significantly, along with the pain in my left temple and left side of my forehead. The bodily relaxation is seeping in from my skin all the way down to my bones, leaving me with a tingling sensation along my back, arms, and legs, which is exacerbated as my clothes brush against my skin. Although I have not experienced any changes in the nausea, I cannot claim that this is not being addressed by this strain. The one negative I am experiencing is dizziness, which very well could be contributing to the ongoing nausea.

At 5:20 p.m., my face has a “melted” feeling, and I definitely do feel a little stoned, but the foggy head is clearing and I am able to get up and function without the dizziness. The anxiety, stress, nausea, and migraine symptoms have all subsided, and I am left feeling calm, relaxed, reflective, and happy. The intensity of the physical relaxation has shifted, now making my body feel numb in addition to relax. I can see how this would be a great option for nerve for muscle pain. The sensation is similar to what one would experience when applying a lidocaine patch to a painful area. My mood has continued to uplift into a euphoric state, yet I am also feeling very content. Unfortunately, my level of focus is terrible with this product, but when listening to the right music, this strain is spot-on. At 5:50 p.m. I am feeling the intensity of the physical and mental relaxation continuing to increase. My mood is calm, reflective, yet euphoric. Although I do feel happy, it is more of a relaxed happy, rather than a really bubbly happy. The physical numbness continues to penetrate from the skin, inward to the bones, and the dizziness has completely subsided. The nausea and stress have dissipated along with the anxiety, and my migraine has also completely resolved at this point. I am finding a slight improvement in my level of focus; however I would not attempt any important tasks. My thought process, while more clear than earlier on, is very slowed and I am easily distracted. Despite the slightly more organized thinking patterns, I am still finding that my mind is very scattered, which has prevented me from ruminating on any one situation or idea. I believe this has also played a part in keeping my anxiety low.

Rounding the corner to our 90-minute mark at 6:21 p.m., the bodily relaxation is still running strong, leaving my body riddled with a strong tingling from the skin to bone. My level of clarity has greatly improved, yet my focus is still not yet to a point where I would be confident in my ability to handled complex tasks. My response time is still definitely slowed, and I continue to feel somewhat stoned, and my body and mind both feel very calm and at peace. I have not noticed any significant changes in my mood, and the effects seem to be holding pretty consistently. There has been no return of my migraine symptoms, anxiety, stress, or depression. As I continued to monitor the remainder of the effects, the last of the psychoactive components of Blueberry Chocolope Sundae faded out at 6:57 p.m...

Jumping into our final thoughts, this strain is amazing. It targeted and destroyed my migraine symptoms, anxiety, stress, and depression without an issue. The bodily relaxation was incredible, and I especially loved the bodily numbness I experienced. I absolutely believe based on my experience that this product would not only fare well for those who suffer from migraine and mental health disorders, but it is also an amazing fit for those who are suffering from muscle and nerve pain as well. The one negative I did encounter is the dizziness, which was a little strong at the beginning, but it did taper down toward the end. One of the things that I found this strain is fantastic for is to sit and draw, write, work on some form of creative art where you can let your mind wander and just see where it goes. Putting on some music to vibe with your high makes it even better. Personally, at the beginning of the high I was more focused on remaining in one location due to the dizziness. However, as the effects shifted, I found myself better able to move about and enjoy myself without feeling couch locked. After testing this product and finding it to be a great match for my needs, I would definitely rate this at 4.8 stars. I would highly recommend this to both experienced and inexperienced users alike, but I will caution you to go slow because this is a bit of a heavy hitter. Great job Sira, Keep up the great work!

If you are a patient, or adult above the age of 21 in Massachusetts, check out the following link for where you can purchase this product:

https://www.siranaturals.org/where-to-buy-cannabis-massachusetts

Well my friends, we have reached the end of this review. Thank you for joining me and stay tuned for more product reviews!

Disclaimer:

*****Please remember, this blog is an account of my personal experience with this product. Not everyone has the same experience with every product and that is okay. I always recommend starting out with one or two hits to see if that is enough , and you can always increase your dose from there.*****

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cannabisrefugee-esq · 5 years ago

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(via A "Rational Suicide" Note. Ft. Anne Örtegren.)

November 9, 2019

This is a “suicide” note left by a ME/CFS sufferer who sought and found relief from her suffering via legal, medically assisted suicide. She says this manifesto took her months to write, which I do not doubt a bit: it is long, detailed and polished and was written when she was feeling terrible. She wrote it with the intent to describe her almost indescribable pain and experience, and to convince others to take action on behalf of ME/CFS sufferers, both of which are lofty communication goals when anyone is seriously ill.

Describing and convincing have been my most impossible endeavors since I’ve been seriously ill myself and I think I have mostly failed, judging by others’ reactions to everything I’ve managed to gather the physical and emotional grit to attempt to communicate: that I am seriously, hopelessly ill with an incurable, progressive disease, that there is no bottom to how bad this can get, and it matters not what anyone thinks about it. Some things are just true regardless of whether anyone believes it.

In this note, ME/CFS patient Anne Örtegren describes symptoms and dilemmas I have experienced myself and she foresees logical outcomes to her predicament, something sick people and especially sick women are never allowed to do because catastrophization. For example, she knows that her heightened sensitivity to light and sound will make treatment or recovery in a hospital setting impossible where the standard of care in that environment requires constant activity and interruptions, and provides no privacy and no escape from the harsh industrial lighting, interrogations by (allegedly) well meaning staff and the general hustle and bustle of capitalistic money making on the backs and bodies of sick and dying people.

That is but one example of a sick person making informed prognostications regarding likely outcomes of the things other people want to do to us, and as someone who shares these sensitivities to light and sound (and therefore an aversion to hospital settings) as but one example of our shared experience of being seriously ill, I appreciated her spelling it out. I also feel extremely sad that she had to, and furious that no one who allegedly cared about her wellbeing including medical professionals who should be fucking sensitive to the actual needs of real patients could make the leap themselves. There are many such examples in this letter.

See for yourselves, and understand that as illuminating and raw as this letter is, it’s also been edited by the publisher and a so-called suicide prevention expert because the bottom line everywhere appears to be that there is no such thing as rational suicide or euthanasia because well people and people who make money off of the long-term sick and dying say so. And because living in this capitalistic, patriarchal nightmare is so hideous for so many people that “suicide contagion” exists, where just knowing that someone, somewhere had whatever it took to end themselves is likely to cause untold numbers of happy, healthy consumers with bright futures to do the same damn thing. Yeah that’s it, let’s keep telling ourselves that.

The letter as published is reprinted below. The unedited letter supposedly exists online somewhere if anyone cares to look and has the energy to figure out how and where the edited version differs from the original. Comments are open below.

Farewell – A Last Post from Anne Örtegren

Nobody can say that I didn’t put up enough of a fight.

For 16 years I have battled increasingly severe ME/CFS. My condition has steadily deteriorated and new additional medical problems have regularly appeared, making it ever more difficult to endure and make it through the day (and night).

Throughout this time, I have invested almost every bit of my tiny energy in the fight for treatment for us ME/CFS patients. Severely ill, I have advocated from my bedroom for research and establishment of biomedical ME/CFS clinics to get us proper health care. All the while, I have worked hard to find something which would improve my own health. I have researched all possible treatment options, got in contact with international experts and methodically tried out every medication, supplement and regimen suggested.

Sadly, for all the work done, we still don’t have adequately sized specialized biomedical care for ME/CFS patients here in Stockholm, Sweden – or hardly anywhere on the planet. We still don’t have in-patient hospital units adapted to the needs of the severely ill ME/CFS patients. Funding levels for biomedical ME/CFS research remain ridiculously low in all countries and the erroneous psychosocial model which has caused me and others so much harm is still making headway.

And sadly, for me personally things have gone from bad to worse to unbearable. I am now mostly bedbound and constantly tortured by ME/CFS symptoms. I also suffer greatly from a number of additional medical problems, the most severe being a systematic hyper-reactivity in the form of burning skin combined with an immunological/allergic reaction. This is triggered by so many things that it has become impossible to create an adapted environment. Some of you have followed my struggle to find clothes and bed linen I can tolerate. Lately, I am simply running out. I no longer have clothes I can wear without my skin “burning up” and my body going into an allergic state.

This means I no longer see a way out from this solitary ME/CFS prison and its constant torture. I can no longer even do damage control, and my body is at the end of its rope. Therefore, I have gone through a long and thorough process involving several medical assessments to be able to choose a peaceful way out: I have received a preliminary green light for accompanied suicide through a clinic in Switzerland.

When you read this I am at rest, free from suffering at last. I have written this post to explain why I had to take this drastic step. Many ME/CFS patients have found it necessary to make the same decision, and I want to speak up for us, as I think my reasons may be similar to those of many others with the same sad destiny.

These reasons can be summed up in three headers: unbearable suffering; no realistic way out of the suffering; and the lack of a safety net, meaning potential colossal increase in suffering when the next setback or medical incident occurs.

Important note Before I write more about these reasons, I want to stress something important. Depression is not the cause of my choice. Though I have been suffering massively for many years, I am not depressed. I still have all my will and my motivation. I still laugh and see the funny side of things, I still enjoy doing whatever small activities I can manage. I am still hugely interested in the world around me – my loved ones and all that goes on in their lives, the society, the world (what is happening in human rights issues? how can we solve the climate change crisis?) During these 16 years, I have never felt any lack of motivation.

On the contrary, I have consistently fought for solutions with the goal to get myself better and help all ME/CFS patients get better. There are so many things I want to do, I have a lot to live for. If I could only regain some functioning, quieten down the torture a bit and be able to tolerate clothes and a normal environment, I have such a long list of things I would love to do with my life!

Three main reasons So depression is not the reason for my decision to terminate my life. The reasons are the following:

1. Unbearable suffering Many severely ill ME/CFS patients are hovering at the border of unbearable suffering. We are constantly plagued by intense symptoms, we endure high-impact every-minute physical suffering 24 hours a day, year after year. I see it as a prison sentence with torture. I am homebound and mostly bedbound – there is the prison. I constantly suffer from excruciating symptoms: The worst flu you ever had. Sore throat, bronchi hurting with every breath. Complete exhaustion, almost zero energy, a body that weighs a tonne and sometimes won’t even move. Muscle weakness, dizziness, great difficulties standing up. Sensory overload causing severe suffering from the brain and nervous system. Massive pain in muscles, painful inflammations in muscle attachments. Intensely burning skin. A feeling of having been run over by a bus, twice, with every cell screaming. This has got to be called torture.

It would be easier to handle if there were breaks, breathing spaces. But with severe ME/CFS there is no minute during the day when one is comfortable. My body is a war zone with constant firing attacks. There is no rest, no respite. Every move of every day is a mountain-climb. Every night is a challenge, since there is no easy sleep to rescue me from the torture. I always just have to try to get through the night. And then get through the next day.

It would also be easier if there were distractions. Like many patients with severe ME/CFS I am unable to listen to music, radio, podcasts or audio books, or to watch TV. I can only read for short bouts of time, and use the computer for even shorter moments. I am too ill to manage more than rare visits or phone calls from my family and friends, and sadly unable to live with someone. This solitary confinement aspect of ME/CFS is devastating and it is understandable that ME/CFS has been described as the “living death disease”.

For me personally, the situation has turned into an emergency not least due to my horrific symptom of burning skin linked to immunological/allergic reactions. This appeared six years into my ME/CFS, when I was struck by what seemed like a complete collapse of the bodily systems controlling immune system, allergic pathways, temperature control, skin and peripheral nerves. I had long had trouble with urticaria, hyperreactive skin and allergies, but at this point a violent reaction occurred and my skin completely lost tolerance. I started having massively burning skin, severe urticaria and constant cold sweats and shivers (these reactions reminded me of the first stages of the anaphylactic shock I once had, then due to heat allergy).

Since then, for ten long years, my skin has been burning. It is an intense pain. I have been unable to tolerate almost all kinds of clothes and bed linen as well as heat, sun, chemicals and other everyday things. These all trigger the burning skin and the freezing/shivering reaction into a state of extreme pain and suffering. Imagine being badly sunburnt and then being forced to live under a constant scalding sun – no relief in sight.

At first I managed to find a certain textile fabric which I could tolerate, but then this went out of production, and in spite of years of negotiations with the textile industry it has, strangely, proven impossible to recreate that specific weave. This has meant that as my clothes have been wearing out, I have been approaching the point where I will no longer have clothes and bed linen that are tolerable to my skin. It has also become increasingly difficult to adapt the rest of my living environment so as to not trigger the reaction and worsen the symptoms. Now that I am running out of clothes and sheets, ahead of me has lain a situation with constant burning skin and an allergic state of shivering/cold sweats and massive suffering. This would have been absolutely unbearable.

For 16 years I have had to manage an ever-increasing load of suffering and problems. They now add up to a situation which is simply no longer sustainable.

2. No realistic way out of the suffering A very important factor is the lack of realistic hope for relief in the future. It is possible for a person to bear a lot of suffering, as long as it is time-limited. But the combination of massive suffering and a lack of rational hope for remission or recovery is devastating.

Think about the temporary agony of a violent case of gastric flu. Picture how you are feeling those horrible days when you are lying on the bathroom floor between attacks of diarrhoea and vomiting. This is something we all have to live through at times, but we know it will be over in a few days. If someone told you at that point: “you will have to live with this for the rest of your life”, I am sure you would agree that it wouldn’t feel feasible. It is unimaginable to cope with a whole life with the body in that insufferable state every day, year after year. The level of unbearableness in severe ME/CFS is the same.

If I knew there was relief on the horizon, it would be possible to endure severe ME/CFS and all the additional medical problems, even for a long time, I think. The point is that there has to be a limit, the suffering must not feel endless.

One vital aspect here is of course that patients need to feel that the ME/CFS field is being taken forward. Sadly, we haven’t been granted this feeling – see my previous blogs relating to this here and here.

Another imperative issue is the drug intolerance that I and many others with ME/CFS suffer from. I have tried every possible treatment, but most of them have just given me side-effects, many of which have been irreversible. My stomach has become increasingly dysfunctional, so for the past few years any new drugs have caused immediate diarrhoea. One supplement triggered massive inflammation in my entire urinary tract, which has since persisted. The list of such occurrences of major deterioration caused by different drugs/treatments is long, and with time my reactions have become increasingly violent. I now have to conclude that my sensitivity to medication is so severe that realistically it is very hard for me to tolerate drugs or supplements.

This has two crucial meanings for many of us severely ill ME/CFS patients: There is no way of relieving our symptoms. And even if treatments appear in the future, with our sensitivity of medication any drug will carry a great risk of irreversible side-effects producing even more suffering. This means that even in the case of a real effort finally being made to bring biomedical research into ME/CFS up to levels on par with that of other diseases, and possible treatments being made accessible, for some of us it is unlikely that we would be able to benefit. Considering our extreme sensitivity to medication, one could say it’s hard to have realistic hope of recovery or relief for us.

In the past couple of years I, being desperate, have challenged the massive side-effect risk and tried one of the treatments being researched in regards to ME/CFS. But I received it late in the disease process, and it was a gamble. I needed it to have an almost miraculous effect: a quick positive response which eliminated many symptoms – most of all I needed it to stop my skin from burning and reacting, so I could tolerate the clothes and bed linen produced today. I have been quickly running out of clothes and sheets, so I was gambling with high odds for a quick and extensive response. Sadly, I wasn’t a responder. I have also tried medication for Mast Cell Activation Disorder and a low-histamine diet, but my burning skin hasn’t abated. Since I am now running out of clothes and sheets, all that was before me was constant burning hell.

3. The lack of a safety net, meaning potential colossal increase in suffering when the next setback or medical incident occurs The third factor is the insight that the risk for further deterioration and increased suffering is high.

On top of the nearly unbearable symptoms it is very likely that in the future things will get even worse. An example in my case could be my back and neck pain. I would need to strengthen muscles to prevent them from getting worse. But the characteristic symptom of Post-Exertional Malaise (PEM) when I attempt even small activities, is hugely problematic.

Whenever we try to ignore the PEM issue and push through, we immediately crash and become much sicker. We might go from being able to at least get up and eat, to being completely bedbound, until the PEM has subsided. Sometimes, it doesn’t subside, and we find ourselves irreversibly deteriorated, at a new, even lower baseline level, with no way of improving.

PEM is not something that you can work around.

For me, new medical complications also continue to arise, and I have no way of amending them. I already need surgery for one existing problem, and it is likely that it will be needed for other issues in the future, but surgery or hospital care is not feasible for several reasons:

One is that my body seems to lack repairing mechanisms. Previous biopsies have not healed properly, so my doctor is doubtful about my ability to recover after surgery.

Another, more general and hugely critical, is that with severe ME/CFS it is impossible to tolerate normal hospital care. For ME/CFS patients the sensory overload problem and the extremely low energy levels mean that a normal hospital environment causes major deterioration. The sensory input that comes with shared rooms, people coming and going, bright lights, noise, etc, escalates our disease. We are already in such fragile states that a push in the wrong direction is catastrophic. For me, with my burning skin issue, there is also the issue of not tolerating the mattresses, pillows, textile fabrics, etc used in a hospital.

Just imagine the effects of a hospital stay for me: It would trigger my already severe ME/CFS into new depths – likely I would become completely bedbound and unable to tolerate any light or noise. The skin hyperreactivity would, within a few hours, trigger my body into an insufferable state of burning skin and agonizing immune-allergic reactions, which would then be impossible to reverse. My family, my doctor and I agree: I must never be admitted to a hospital, since there is no end to how much worse that would make me.

Many ME/CFS patients have experienced irreversible deterioration due to hospitalization. We also know that the understanding of ME/CFS is extremely low or non-existent in most hospitals, and we hear about ME/CFS patients being forced into environments or activities which make them much worse. I am aware of only two places in the world with specially adjusted hospital units for severe ME/CFS, Oslo, Norway, and Gold Coast, Australia. We would need such units in every city around the globe.

It is extreme to be this severely ill, have so many medical complications arise continually and know this: There is no feasible access to hospital care for me. There are no tolerable medications to use when things get worse or other medical problems set in. As a severely ill ME/CFS patient I have no safety net at all. There is simply no end to how bad things can get with severe ME/CFS.

Coping skills – important but not enough I realize that when people hear about my decision to terminate my life, they will wonder about my coping skills. I have written about this before and I want to mention the issue here too:

While it was extremely hard at the beginning to accept chronic illness, I have over the years developed a large degree of acceptance and pretty good coping skills. I have learnt to accept tight limits and appreciate small qualities of life. I have learnt to cope with massive amounts of pain and suffering and still find bright spots. With the level of acceptance I have come to now, I would have been content even with relatively small improvements and a very limited life. If, hypothetically, the physical suffering could be taken out of the equation, I would have been able to live contentedly even though my life continued to be restricted to my small apartment and include very little activity. Unlike most people I could find such a tiny life bearable and even happy. But I am not able to cope with these high levels of constant physical suffering.

In short, to sum up my level of acceptance as well as my limit: I can take the prison and the extreme limitations – but I can no longer take the torture. And I cannot live with clothes that constantly trigger my burning skin.

Not alone – and not a rash decision In spite of being unable to see friends or family for more than rare and brief visits, and in spite of having limited capacity for phone conversations, I still have a circle of loved ones. My friends and family all understand my current situation and they accept and support my choice. While they do not want me to leave, they also do not want me to suffer anymore.

This is not a rash decision. It has been processed for many years, in my head, in conversations with family and friends, in discussion with one of my doctors, and a few years ago in the long procedure of requesting accompanied suicide. The clinic in Switzerland requires an extensive process to ensure that the patient is chronically ill, lives with unendurable pain or suffering, and has no realistic hope of relief. They require a number of medical records as well as consultations with specialized doctors.

For me this end is obviously not what I wanted, but it was the best solution to an extremely difficult situation and preferable to even more suffering. It was not hasty choice, but one that matured over a long period of time.

A plea to decision makers – Give ME/CFS patients a future! As you understand, this blog post has taken me many months to put together. It is a long text to read too, I know. But I felt it was important to write it and have it published to explain why I personally had to take this step, and hopefully illuminate why so many ME/CFS patients consider or commit suicide.

And most importantly: to elucidate that this circumstance can be changed! But that will take devoted, resolute, real action from all of those responsible for the state of ME/CFS care, ME/CFS research and dissemination of information about the disease. Sadly, this responsibility has been mishandled for decades. To allow ME/CFS patients some hope on the horizon, key people in all countries must step up and act.

If you are a decision maker, here is what you urgently need to do: You need to bring funding for biomedical ME/CFS research up so it’s on par with comparable diseases (as an example, in the US that would mean $188 million per year). You need to make sure there are dedicated hospital care units for ME/CFS inpatients in every city around the world. You need to establish specialist biomedical care available to all ME/CFS patients; it should be as natural as RA patients having access to a rheumatologist or cancer patients to an oncologist. You need to give ME/CFS patients a future.

Please listen to these words of Jen Brea, which sum up the situation in the US, but are applicable to almost every country:

“The NIH says it won’t fund ME research because no one wants to study it. Yet they reject the applications of the world class scientists who are committed to advancing the field. Meanwhile, HHS has an advisory committee whose sole purpose seems to be making recommendations that are rarely adopted. There are no drugs in the pipeline at the FDA yet the FDA won’t approve the one drug, Ampligen, that can have Lazarus-like effects in some patients. Meanwhile, the CDC continues to educate doctors using information that we (patients) all know is inaccurate or incomplete.”

Like Jen Brea, I want a number of people from these agencies, and equivalent agencies in Sweden and all other countries, to stand up and take responsibility. To say: “ME! I am going to change things because that is my job.”

And lastly Lastly, I would like to end this by linking to this public comment from a US agency meeting (CFSAC). It seems to have been taken off the HHS site, but I found it in the Google Read version of the book “Lighting Up a Hidden World: CFS and ME” by Valerie Free. It includes testimony from two very eloquent ME patients and it says it all. I thank these ME patients for expressing so well what we are experiencing.

My previous blog posts:

From International Traveler to 43 Square Meters: An ME/CFS Story From Sweden

Coping With ME/CFS Will Always Be Hard – But There are Ways of Making It A Little Easier

The Underfinanced ME/CFS Research Field Pt I: The Facts – Plus “What Can We Do?

The Underfinanced ME/CFS Research Field Pt II: Why it Takes 20 Years to Get 1 Year’s Research Done

Take care of each other.

Love, Anne

Comments Open.

#finance #health #Healthcare #medicine #autoimmune disease #capitalistic patriarchical medicine #family and friends #ME/CFS #research

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vestigialtext · 5 years ago

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Euphorroria

[TW suicide, self-harm]

Imagine you turn around there’s suddenly a perfectly circular swirling hole open in the floor, emanating a hazy purple glow and a kind of pulsing, reverb-drenched celestial siren song, like the single sickest shoegaze riff you’ve ever heard.

You think, huh, wow, that’s a pretty weird trip-hazard, and erect some cordons to stop anyone falling in. But you become fixated on the hole, staring in unblinking for hours. It’s curious, it’s beautiful, it’s sonically enchanting, it’s perfumed with a kind of partially floral, partially cardomomic, partially metallic scent which just encroaches on the sickly-sweet – but you still want a taste.

The hole, as it happens, is a portal to insanity.

This is how I experience hypomania; standing steady-of-foot behind the barrier, gazing at wonder to the insanity, hearing its call but keeping a safe distance.

Mania would see me leap the barrier, approach too close, and invariably slip in screaming.

Psychosis, meanwhile, would see me fall in, try to either fight it or fuck it, turn it inside out and prolapse it back through into rational reality, the fabric of which world begin to collapse as internal and external landscapes collide and splinter into one and other and I approach self-oblivion.

A full psychotic break has only happened twice in my lifetime, and frankly I’m lucky to be here writing this drivel – my second episode, nearly a decade ago, almost killed me and left me with almost impossible-to-comprehend scars I’ll bear for the rest of my life, scars invisible to the observer but forever altering my perception of the world, scars I’ve made peace with but which continue to niggle every day. Without getting deep into the nightmarish details, I tried – and, thank fuck, failed – to blind myself, resulting in bilateral scarred corneas which mean that, while my vision remains entirely functional and luckily unimpaired to any significant degree, I experience constant, curious aberrations, especially in low-light where the world melts into a sea of halos.

Importantly, I’m still alive. I very nearly leapt into the Thames on the morning of 10/03/2010, and not through depressive, I-can’t-bear-to-live anguish, but due to chasing immensely powerful delusions and hallucinations to the same place that almost cost me my sight. There’s a lot I’ve written and lot I will write about my experiences of psychosis – particularly re the corrupted internal logic that catalysed much of my bizarre, life-ruining behaviour in 2003 and 2010 – but not here, not now.

Mania, the losing control of my inhibitions and tripping headfirst into hyperactive chaos, has occurred three times in my life, but only progressed through to psychosis twice. I had my first (and to date, only quickly-controlled) manic episode age 16, following a few months as an inpatient at an adolescent psychiatric in Newcastle (remember when the NHS used to offer those kind of services lol). Up until that point, I had been being treated for major depression, which was my diagnosis until the mania emerged. I don’t quite remember the specifics – I celebrated the 20th anniversary of my bipolar 1 diagnosis last month – but one day it seems the depressive fog suddenly cleared and my mind, robbed of feel-good shit for so long, lurched as far as it could in the opposite direction as some kind of bizarre compensatory push.

Perhaps the flip was inevitable, perhaps it was triggered by a chemical predisposition to mania plus guzzling down combinations of all the anti-depressant variants that could be feasibly prescribed for the preceding three months. Who can say. Whatever the case, suddenly I was bouncing around the hospital halls like Sonic the Hedgehog, talking borderline-gibberish garbage incessantly, getting back deep into abandoned A-level art projects and attempting to start roughly 1,000 extracurricular projects simultaneously. The doctors quickly took notice, brought me down with lithium and revised my diagnosis.

Hypomania, (literally “below mania”), is something I experience on average a few times a year, hitting in waves, usually with a clear trigger. It’s a glimpse at the maelstrom of insanity without actually dipping a toe. Delusional ideas can creep into my head, but I can analyse and dismiss them rationally with a firm “No.” I now have enough insight and experience of my own sensations and mood pattern recognition to usually ward off a manic episode, typically with self-seclusion and/or self-management, sometimes with medication. Zopiclone, a sedative, has proven to be something of a magic bullet at sniping down incoming mania, so I try to keep a stash handy – I popped one Saturday gone just to try and keep the train on the rails after barely sleeping for two weeks straight.

After accepting I was an alcoholic six years ago, I’ve gone entirely teetotal, and that itself has greatly improved my ability to monitor myself, to try and regulate my own mood – previously, I’d (technically binge)-drink more or less every single day, and drown out any troublesome hypomanic episode with even more booze, remaining entirely functional (if prone to starting each day with a big purging sick and then having a couple of practically clockwork spew breaks at work) until my liver and my nervous system started wildly red-flagging at the sheer relentless demands I was asking of them, the perpetual nature of my misguided self-medication, so I decided to stop dead drinking or risk further ruining my health.

Without in any way wishing to belittle or underestimate the impact of the disease (severe, bulk-of-a-year depression episodes have also nearly killed me) I feel like depression is something even people who don’t suffer from mental health problems can at least begin to comprehend, can take a stab at imagining the experience. Perhaps not the depths – the eroding, claustrophobic mental space, the glimmer of hope on the horizon disappearing into darkness, all sensory input turning to a grey mush, the head-in-a–tomb depersonalisation – but most people can relate to being “sad”, most people have experienced tragedy at some point in their lives. Hypomania, however, is a trickier prospect to explain. But I’ll try.

I can’t speak for others who experience the condition, but in my case, hypomania manifests itself across my whole physical, mental, emotional spectrum. Although other factors come into play, the biggest single trigger for me seems to be sleep deprivation. It’s no news that circadian rhythms and bipolar disorder are intrinsically interlinked, and I have very real first-hand experience. As a shiftworker (occasional nightshift worker) who lives on the opposite side of London to my office and has a four-month old daughter, my current sleep hygiene is pretty... ropey to say the least, so I’m trying to be extra vigilant. A few nights back-to-back of little sleep (I’m talking a hour or two, at the best of times my sleep is shit anyway and five hours is a good stint) I can often feel my mood changing gears.

Simply put, when I’m hypomanic, the world is a more engaging place; more detail fills the cracks, more edges pique my interest. All of my senses sharpen up – my vision becomes cleaner, brighter, more vivid, sound seemingly has additional frequency space, imperceptible before. My senses of smell and taste overwhelm me, aromas become intoxicating and normal food takes on gourmet qualities. My energy level skyrockets without any additional external input; I have much more impetus, enthusiasm about life, work, whatever. I can literally feel my mind starting to function differently – but not necessarily more efficiently – taking shortcuts, randomly accessing memories in remarkable detail without any prompt. I can think faster, but with less focus; I’m more distractible and will happily shoot off on wild tangents with complete disregard for my goal. Depending on circumstances at home or work, hypomania is a mixed bag – any lethargy is dispelled and my agency and job satisfaction is heightened, but I might, say, approach 20 tasks simultaneously when sequentially would be more rational.

Depending on social context, I expend varyingly extreme amounts of effort to varying degrees of success attempting to mask a hypomanic episode. You know how your body never really “heals”, and scurvy horrifyingly opens up old scars and shit? That’s kind of what my ever-simmering mental illness feels like when i’m consistently deprived of sleep for whatever reason, the cracks start appearing and it kinda seeps out a bit lol. I am well aware my hypomanic demeanour and delivery can alarm people, and I do try really, really, really hard to suppress things or if absolutely required, just remove myself from situations where a lasting, detrimental opinion could be formed. I am also fully aware I can become borderline intolerable to my long-suffering and remarkably patient wife, and I try to mitigate the condition’s impact on domesticity, again, only ever partially-successfully (sorry, Kate). On any given day, high, low, or creamy middle, I’d estimate around about 90% of my effort is put towards just trying to appear normal to others, trying to blend in. I imagine many other mentally ill people are broadly intolerant to open-plan hotdesking (not to mention the insatiable clock-in-and-hit-marks demands of capitalism).

I can physically feel my body “running hotter” when I’m hypomanic, like an overclocked CPU frazzling on a motherboard; headaches spark quickly if I don’t drink enough water. I’m not especially clued up on chemical synthesis of naturally-occurring hormones etc. but I kinda get the impression hypomania is little like organic, high-on-your-own-supply MDMA.

Hypomania seems to foster within me a deeper connection to and longing to revisit all of my favourite music, art, writing, films, games, people – chiefly, I go on obsessive listening binges of records I adore. As I mentioned earlier, my hearing changes when I’m hypomanic – songs sound better, richer, more punchy. One of my fondest ever memories of mental illness (sadly ruined by slipping into psychosis shortly afterwards) was walking around out at night listening to My Bloody Valentine’s Loveless on shitty earbuds via a Spotify stream and still hearing subtle elements blossoming from the mix I’d never clocked before; layers of what sounded like processed flutes fluttering under the wall of guitars, gentle tonal ebs and flows, what seemed to be entire hidden tracks I was only just tuning in to, a secret sound world unveiled.

This might well just be wild conjecture, but I like to think maybe some bands – the bands who “get it” – deliberately bury this audio information deep within the mix, only to be decoded by specific mental setups, be they drug-indicted or naturally, hormonally occurring, breadcrumb trails left in the studio production as a little nod by whoever put the music together that they understand the confusion, the dislocation and alienation of mental illness, something extra beyond the lyrics. It might well be bullshit but it brings me great comfort. I’ve put together a playlist of some favourite tunes I suspect were written about hypomanic states, knowingly or otherwise, or instead conjure up that specific vibe.

To be honest, the hardest thing I find about dealing with episodes of hypomania is that they can feel so good it’s very hard to not attempt to stoke the sensation, prolong it, succumb deeper to it. That way oblivion lies; please stand behind the yellow line at all times.

#hypomania #bipolar #mentalillness

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rejectclone · 5 years ago

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[R] development dump

I just realized I never really said in detail [R]’s development stages on here, so here’s like a info dump of everything I came up with on my oc server + some extras I haven’t said yet!

‘Newborn’ [R]:

* Stage lasted through the moment he first gained consciousness after being removed from his vat, until his first ‘birthday’.

* Had ghastly pale skin, for the first few days of his existence it was almost translucent and was extremely frail.

* Vocal cords are deformed due to neck mouth, couldn’t speak properly for the first few months, only groans and whines.

* Has the physical age of 20~, the mental age of 1-3.

* Poor motor control over all of his limbs, could only use his ‘normal’ set of arms (the ones naturally placed to his shoulders) to grab items or to interact with Lawrence.

* Struggled to retain information, any information taught to him easily left his memory.

* Couldn’t handle common pathogens, so he wasn’t really given anything to do (blocks, books, etc) for fear of exposure. Lawrence didn’t want to risk exposing [R] to anything, hence spending time with him in the hazmat suit, thus having [R] view Lawrence’s appearance as ‘normal’.

* Struggled to chew anything, so was forced to eat nutrient paste in tubes, and only drank water, but had to be assisted.

* Spent time nude for the first week or so, was later finally clothed with caution, as they worried for his skin rubbing and breaking against fabric. Needs assistance in getting clothed, dislikes putting on pants due to how complicated it is due to his messed up lower torso.

* Had to be gently bathed, as water was somewhat painful for him, even at lukewarm temperatures.

* Struggled to walk or even maintain standing up, spent most of his time sitting or lying down, and crawled to move around. [R] typically didn’t move far until stopping due to fatigue or panic.

* Cries a ton for unknown reasons, but it is a common ‘issue’ with all of the other freshly made clones. Lawrence can only assume it’s [R]’s mind getting overwhelmed with the concept of existing, and originally having the mental capacity to only handle having a ‘normal’ amount of body parts, while ironically having a body with a surplus of parts.

* Only has very basic and rudimentary emotions, such as joy, fear, and sadness. Hasn’t experienced any developed or intense emotions yet.

* Mid and lower sets of arms tend to be wrapped around [R]’s waist, as if he’s holding himself in the same position he had while germinating in the vat.

* Doesn’t know any colors except for white, yellow, blue, the same colors of the secured room he’s in, Lawrence’s hazmat suit, and his yellow shirt.

‘Young’ [R]

* Stage lasted through after his 1st ‘birthday’, the transport incident, until his 3rd ‘birthday’ while at the station.

* Skin tone has finally developed more, is still incredibly pale but not as translucent-like anymore. Is incredibly fragile to natural light or harsh light, getting burned is incredibly painful and numbing for [R].

* [R] can finally speak, but is terribly poor at it. Has developed a heavy stutter and slur, can barely finish a sentence without completely butchering it. Knows a decent amount of vocabulary and terminologies, but is still incredibly naive of ‘outside speaking’. Can be seen as having a elementary student’s depth of writing.

* Physical age is still 20~, but mental age is now 7-12, a large increase from his former stage. Later on after spending three years at the station, his mental age became 15-17, after being exposed to more.... mature topics and ‘outside’ culture.....

* Finally developed better motor control over his limbs. Second set of arms (underneath the ‘normal’ ones attached at the shoulders) is now just as dexterous as the first set. Third and fourth sets are still quite weak in comparison, both in terms of nerve responses and physical strength.

* Now retains information much more easily, but can get overwhelmed with too much info or experiences at once. [R] is more of a visual learner though, and enjoys reading books. Doesn’t mind being told stories and explanations by B055 though.

* Still somewhat frail to common pathogens. Wears the experimental high-end hazmat suit given to him by Lawrence that helped him greatly in terms of keeping him healthy and having a disguise to look ‘more normal’. Can handle being fully exposed to natural air for a few hours, but then must retreat to either his suit or constant sterilized room. His chances of getting sick are still high, and can be easily fatal.

* Finally learned how to chew on his own, but has a very strict diet of nutrient paste cubes. Due to his bizarre anatomy and size, his daily intake of vital nutrients is MUCH higher when compared to a normal human. The cubes help make him reach the (guesstimated) amount he needs, and avoids spending much on food. If [R] ate the amount he needed with ‘normal people food’, it would engorge him every day. Suffers from hunger pangs daily, due to eating so little physical matter thanks to the cubes, so he takes any chance to eat free food from the station’s office or if gifted food by Devon, Ren, B055, etc.

* Can clothe himself on his own, still struggles with putting on pants, as his legs are still quite splayed.

* Can bathe on his own, but still feels slight pain against his skin when showering. Favors bathing in the tub when he could fit. Is slightly hydrophobic due to heavy rain slamming against his suit during the transfer incident, thus imprinting the physical feeling and loud sound to his memory, thus having a negative reaction to water in genral.

* Walks somewhat normal, as [R] forces his legs to stay facing straight and not splaying to the sides (akin to a spider) when moving. Tends to knock things over by accident and also occasionally stumbles on himself, but hasn’t fallen over much at all.

* Doesn’t cry much anymore, and if [R] does, it’s out of confusion or shame. Tends to tear up while sleeping, it is unknown if [R] suffers from nightmares as he claims he cannot remember anything at all while dreaming.

* Finally started to experience and develop more deeper emotions such as anger, rage, paranoia, mania, regret, love, embarrassment, etc. Still tends to have a happy-go-lucky demeanor, thankfully.

* [R] soon realized that he’s developed a oddly sharp sense of sight, but only when all of his ‘additional’ eyes have been closed, leaving his ‘normally placed’ set open. He cannot fully explain what he sees, only claiming that things look more ‘detailed’ than usual, and he feels slightly lightheaded after each attempt.

* Cannot handle flashing lights or colors, [R] unfortunately learned this the hard way while being escorted by Devon through Times Square, where he had a faint memory of being there during the incident and felt the urge to be there again.

* Has developed a sense of creativity, as where before he froze up when presented with simple commands to ‘draw anything’. Typically only draws with crayon or coloring pencil, other mediums seem to be too hard for him to handle the complexity of.

‘Adolescent’ [R]

* Stage lasted only less than a year after turning ‘3’, the fastest stage of development [R] endured, but is certainly the most impactful.

* Physical age is now mid 20~, mental age is 18-20. Is more in tune with his emotions and actions, and thinks much more rationally than before.

* At first, Lydia just assumed that [R]’s physical growth was stunted. It seemed like that was the case, as he didn’t change much over the last 3~ years of his existence, and after reviewing the most she could off of his technically destroyed records, she told [R] that he should be reaching his peak soon. She was sorely mistaken.

* The first instance of [R]’s ‘puberty’ was the sudden increase in back pain. Soon, he started to talk about how strained he felt, along with suddenly feeling more heavy.

* About a month in, [R]’s health state started to dwindle more, he soon couldn’t fit into his suit anymore, as he’s grown two inches and the suit’s helmet doesn’t lock in place anymore. This soon marked the date where [R] couldn’t spend more time outside anymore.....

* Immediately becomes overwhelmed with migraines and other head pains, and no amount of pills or paste could help him. Became bedridden within a week after not fitting well into his suit anymore.

* First real change was height, as it seemed to be the initial cause of his sudden illness, Lydia documented his progression. Almost three inches or more every month.

* [R]’s body became more wide, as his muscle mass started to increase exponentially. He always had a frail yet lean physique, due to not having to exercise thanks to his diet and body nature. The growth was progressive, starting at his core, then upper torso, then finally making it’s way down his torso.

* After just six months, [R]’s body type shifted from being somewhat ectomorphic to extremely mesomorphic. [R] couldn’t move his limbs much, due to the increased mass and weight, and regressed almost to his ‘newborn’ phase in terms of motor control.

* [R]’s legs weren’t spared either, and if he could try walking again, it would be much, much more harder to keep his legs facing straight now.

* Now with a broader neck, his neck mouth has slightly warped to be much larger and wider, much to his dismay. It seems to be much more..... emotive.... as if it’s showing off his true repressed emotions, even if it’s not coordinating with the emotion he’s portraying on his face.

* Bone mass also grew alongside muscle mass, and [R] poorly readjusted to it, as it only added more weight to his body, and he mentally wasn’t used to it yet at all.

* Suffered from much more intense hunger pangs, even resorted to developing pica, much to Lydia’s horror. (Was caught eating his own clothes and the bed frame, and couldn’t properly explain WHY he did it) Caved in to letting him eat things out of his diet, but inadvertently making him crave much more physical food to consume. This, being a byproduct of his body using up so much energy and fuel to develop his physique more.

* Mental health soon drained afterwards, as days upon weeks upon months passed, with [R] being trapped within his dreadfully small room, with only visits from Lydia and B055, monitoring his development, giving hollow words of concern to calm him down. Just as he finally began to think more rationally, he quickly devolved back into thinking shattered thoughts and couldn’t focus properly anymore. Nightmares soon became more clear in his dreams, often of Lawrence and what [R] fears what he might become.

* Speech regressed, as his voice deepened suddenly, making him sound much more..... inhuman. Couldn’t come to terms with his deeper pitch and tone, and began to slur words along with talking over himself, breaking sentences while trying to relay his frantic thoughts to Lydia to record.

* Originally diagnosed with hyperdontia, his excess sets of teeth were removed during his ‘newborn’ phase to help him eat. It has come back to haunt him, as the source of the pounding migraines came from growing rows of teeth from where they used to be. This time, only larger and wider, for every single mouth. He bled for weeks.

* Lydia contemplated just..... putting him down. Seeing [R] in this torturous state was not only painful to watch, but deeply traumatic for her and B055 to see essentially their ‘son’ endure the overwhelming pain. Quite ironic, as she viewed him as a problem to hide, and never viewed him in high regard.

* Had a episode where he couldn’t take the room anymore and violently threw himself off of his bed, and tried to exit the room. Lydia wasn’t there that day, and B055 was in his office space. He soon realized [R] was moving, upon hearing his distorted moans, while the floorboards shuddered underneath every footstep he took. [R] eventually collapsed after just walking a mere foot from the bedroom’s doorframe. B055 could hear the moment he fell, and the hysteric laughing and cries that companied it.

* [R] eventually was put into a induced coma, against B055’s wishes. They now can only hope his body can stop going through this ungodly stage of puberty, caused in part of his forced growth development, the very thing that made him technically a adult upon his ‘birth’.

‘Matured’ [R]

* Physical age is still mid 20~, mental age has finally caught up, peaking at mid 20~.

* Unfortunately as a loss from his ‘adolescent’ stage, [R] has developed some..... issues that weren’t present before. Finally started to think rationally again, and acts much more mature than any of his phases. Tends to get overwhelmed during instances where ‘bad memories’ are brought up. Anger seems to be a more dominant emotion, but seems to stem from confusion or shock, than genuine rage. Isn’t as happy-go-lucky as before, but still REALLY tries to retain a positive daily outlook.

* Had to come with terms with his larger frame, and started to stagger a bit after starting to walk again. [R] can no longer keep all of his legs pointing forward, as he can throw off his sense of balance. Must walk like a spider now, something he loathes.

* Upper two sets of arms are now quite large and developed, but unfortunately his hands are too large for ‘normal things’. Not to mention that he also tends to accidentally crush anything he can hold in his grip.

* Lower two sets of arms aren’t as enlarged, almost retaining their previous appearance. Lowest set seems to be the most stunted, as they’re just the size of his ‘young’ stage, and seem more proportional to a normal human being. He can at least grab items easily with them, and doesn’t need to bend over much as they’re already quite low, nearing his waistline.

* Now experiences sexual urges, as before it was just having crushes. Due to his isolated nature (before accidentally meeting Cyrus) he was beyond frustrated and confused. Is mainly just touch starved though.

* Has gotten used to his deeper voice, but still stutters from time to time, a persistent issue still plaguing him.

* Still retains a majority of development from his ‘young’ stage, such as self-care, creativity, social understanding, etc, but is much more shy and concerned about his appearance now.

* Is back on his montoried diet, and has gotten to terms with the constant hunger pangs, but still occasionally gets away with ordering outside food, B055 just turns the other cheek.

#I’m pretty sure I’m missing stuff but I’ll edit this as I go on #[redacted]#my ocs #vinyl scratching

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itsbuckysworld · 6 years ago

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Deep Breaths*

*TRIGGER WARNING: This topic can be triggering to some. I tried to handle it the best way I could without being too in depth

Request: I’ve combined these two for this one.

heelllloo, maybe a oneshot where Bucky finds out you've been struggling with a certain problem but never told him and decided to deal with it yourself and he gets angry and hurt? pretty please :3

so i was wondering if you could do a bucky reader, i get mentally drained sometimes for no reason and my whole body kinda just aches and feels so heaving could you do it whenever bucky notices and just looks after you with cuddles and it's just fluffy? x

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Reader.

Guest Appearance: Steve Rogers. Vision.

Warning AGAIN: THIS COULD BE TRIGGERING FOR PEOPLE WHO SUFFER FROM DEPRESSION, ANXIETY, ANY OF THOSE SORTS. HANG IN THERE, YOU’RE WORTH IT. It’s a bad day, not a bad life.

A/N: I hope you don’t mind i’ve combined these two prompts but to me they sort of went hand in hand, and this is a somewhat hard topic for me to sink into given I also have lots of moments of anxiety and depression and just all around a not so great mental health. so yeah, and if the metaphors aren’t too good, i tried to compare it to my own personal attacks

Smooches! xoxo, - L

REQUESTS ARE OPEN PLEASE CHECK OUT MY 1K FOLLOWER WRITING CHALLENGE AND CONSIDER PARTICIPATING/REQUESTING FROM IT :)

FEEDBACK IS GREATLY APPRECIATED!

Y/N your name | Y/L/N your last name |

You recognized the feeling when it was already too late.

For some reason your brain was already in that mindset you’d sadly come to know too well. Sometimes there was a very vivid trigger, other times you could wake up and feel heavy, like you couldn’t lift your arms above your head no matter how hard you tried, and sometimes you didn’t even want to try, and just know what kind of day it would be.

The most you got to do that day was walk to the kitchen and make yourself a bowl of cereal, and it was clear on your face that you’d rather be in bed, close to dead, than doing anything else.

Were you even hungry? Or were you making breakfast to find some sort of normalcy in the middle of your mental struggle?

And so, with nothing else to do and too far gone to focus on your surroundings and even begin to care for yourself, you decided you could use your bed for a little longer. More like for the rest of eternity.

You door had been closed since 9am that day, and the sun was setting over the horizon, tinting the avengers compound all hues of orange, all unbeknownst to you, with your shut blinds and your tear stained face under the covers, awake, not able to sleep a wink no matter how hard you tried, and too tired to try and battle the heavy thoughts and awful scenarios.

On the other side of your door stood Steve, biting his nails almost to his nailbeds. He’d known you for a while longer than the rest of the team. He was the first ‘Avenger’ you met, before joining the team or even shield itself, or what remained of it, offering your help. He’d known you enough to know that sometimes, this was all your mind reduced you to. A mess of limbs that decided to shy away from the world and just let itself be consumed by the cold touch of the dark. He knew what your mind tricked you with, the ghosts of things that have never happened but felt far too real not to believe haunted you in days like these. The looming memory of other days where it felt like you wouldn’t see the end of the dark tunnel always trying to keep you in the same mentality.

Steve, despite knowing you for so long, had never learned what to do. Last time it was like this he’d left you alone, and miraculously it worked? Or at least the following day you seemed a little more… awake… Alive. He knew the moment he saw the forgotten, now soggy, cereal on the kitchen table, that something was off. The compound was far more silent when you weren’t around, and that was just fact. The Y/N behind the door, maybe sleeping away, maybe crying her eyes out silently, he didn’t know, wasn’t the Y/N he knew. It was the carcass of her, and he hated feeling so useless.

Vision had felt it, he commented how it didn’t feel like you were there, as if there was a ghost instead, and the ghost didn’t want to talk, therefore Steve never knocked, he just paced.

Bucky had joined him a little earlier. He was one of the newest additions to the team and immediately took a liking to you, and even if he never said anything, or you never mentioned it, he’d noticed this had happened a couple times since he’s been there. Steve couldn’t begin to explain to his best friend what was going on with the girl he knew Bucky fancied. To brief him on it, he had to know himself what was happening, but alas he didn’t, or at least he didn’t feel like it was his place to talk about you when you were like this, without your permission, and you never wanted the topic touched whenever you’d snap out.

To them you snapped out, to you, you fought out and tried to keep up the facade that you felt normal, when in reality, the nagging was in the back of your head, just waiting for a moment of weakness to bite back.

Bucky wasn’t taking it.

It was almost midnight when he decided he couldn’t just sit there and not even reach out to see if Y/N was still alive, it was consuming him that something unknown was consuming her. He didn’t knock, somehow he knew you wouldn’t respond either way, and the sight before him shocked him, stuck him to the ground by your door.

You had shut down, your body ached from not moving all day but at the same time you couldn’t feel your body, it was like you were a floating head, a floating thought that just spun around lost. It drained you, enhancing the dark circles around your eyes, you were just laying there. Tired, defeated. Bucky sighed deeply.

Lifting up your head to look at him standing in the doorway was too much hassle, even if a part of your head was trying to tell you ‘hey, look up, there’s someone there’ there was a bigger voice commanding you to just lay still. A bigged voice blocking his approaching body out, as if saying ‘no one’s there. No one’s here for you’

The image of your clear walls was too ingrained in your brain from staring at it for hours, and it was disturbed with the glint of a metal arm coming to view.

You mentally clenched your fists, given you couldn’t do it physically – too much trouble your body was so much trouble right now – waiting for him to say something. Maybe the same thing you’ve heard Steve say before, or that one guy that tried to psychoanalyze you on a date, but Bucky just sat there, and it took you a second to register that you were feeling his metal hand brushing your hair off your face. Either he was doing it so softly – a feat given it’s a shiny metal arm that would be harsh, cold and heavy against you – or your senses were shut off too, and jolted awake with the change in pace. There was someone there, your brain couldn’t block it out no matter how hard it wanted to in order to keep you trapped and dealing with this on your own inside your head.

You couldn’t decide whether the touch was soothing or intrusive, but in the meantime, you wouldn’t shove it away.

Deep down, Bucky felt that this was a good sign. If you hadn’t chewed him out yet then that meant you weren’t completely uncomfortable with his approach. It wasn’t a yes, but it wasn’t a no either, he’d take that.

By 1am your body finally cooperated, and you moaned as you stretched out, attempting to sit up, and with minimal effort, Bucky helped you quietly, his eyes trained on you as he waited for you to start whatever conversation, if you even wanted to have one.

“I’m sorry” is what you say and you cough immediately, voice hoarse from not being used all day. Bucky ran soothing circles on your back, shaking his head no, answering with the softest tone he could muster. “Nothing to be sorry for.” “I- I just, I don’t know… I don’t” you tried to not cry anymore, that had already happened during the course of the hours and you were exhausted from it. You didn’t know what was wrong with you, you wanted to say, but Bucky shushed you sweetly, giving you a smile. “It’s fine. You don’t… You don’t have to say a thing.” “I’m tired… I don’t know why, I just… I’m so exhausted” with a whisper you lay that on him, and his hands pull you to his chest, his comforting build engulfing you and giving you warmth you didn’t know you needed. A warmth that you could say even in your lost state, was very very nice. He shushed you once more.

“I know… I know” and those words sent you into a sobbing frenzy against his chest, feeling vulnerable and weak and so damn drained that there was nothing else you could do but break, but at the same time those tears were a little more of thankfulness. You couldn’t even catch yourself between sobs and he continued to soothe you. “Deep breaths, love. Breathe”

He got it. You knew he did.

He’d felt something familiar for a long time too. The loneliness, the tricks your mind could play on you, the thoughts, the exhaustion. The memories of everything bad or embarrassing or just tormenting, coming over you like waves. The feeling of being lost, not knowing where it all came from or where it all could go. He knew it all too well, it almost mirrored his PTSD, except his dreams and triggers were vivid and real, yours more like a shadowy ghost dropping bombs to tear at your walls, but it all ended the same. With drained bodies that just can’t bear to live another day in the uncertainty of whether or not it gets better, or is everyday going to continue like this? Like you’re drowning, sailing far away on your own, wondering if anyone would join you, but worrying that you can battle the high tides alone, just to not bother people with your silly issues that only seem big to you.

It was very, very exhausting, and Bucky understood. Bucky got the depression, the anxiety, the monsters in your head without having to say much, and the clock neared 2am when you finally started to fall asleep against his chest, wishing for the following day to feel a little less foggy and heavy. Bucky pressed a kiss to your temple, over and over and over, trying to remind you that he was there, and he was there because he wanted to, and not because he felt obligated or like you were a dead weight on his back.

He’d been through something similar, you made the connection, and you finally understood why Steve always told Bucky to take it little by little, day by day, back when Bucky’s mind was the worst it had ever been. Maybe it wasn’t the end of a dark tunnel for good, but it was better, a lot better than how it started, and that was enough for now. Then maybe tomorrow it could be a little more and a little more. Just with deep breaths, and taking it step by step.

Bucky’s right there when you wake up the next morning. And you’re thankful.

A/N: Hope this was somewhat fine. This is a topic im not too fond of writing cause idk how to explain it/make it relatable/if its any good to write cause of the weight of it. I tried to compare some of it to things i’ve felt myself so hopefully this is still decent.

requests are open, please check my 1K followers Writing Challenge and participate

HERES MY ASK ||| Masterlist

xoxo

#bucky barnes #bucky barnes x reader #bucky barnes imagine #can be triggering #trigger #depression #anxiety #steve rogers #avengers #vision #MCU #marvel #itsbuckysworld #masterlist #sebastian stan #requests are open #bucky barnes fanfic

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allbaseballmom · 4 years ago

Link

Does meditation have any scientifically proven benefits? - https://allbaseballmom.com/blog/does-meditation-have-any-scientifically-proven-benefits6 Incredible Health Benefits Of Mindfulness By Greg Thurston Creator of Seven Minute Mindfulness "Mindfulness" is a bit of a buzz word right now, but that doesn't mean that you should discredit it. Being mindful is one of the best things you can do for your body and mind! But you might not be sure what it is. Is mindfulness just being more aware? Or does it mean clearing your mind? Being mindful, in one sense, is like simplifying things. Normally we try to multitask all day, worrying about 20 things while doing 10. That doesn't work too well. Being mindful means focusing on the present moment. Being fully here. It allows you to attend to what's going on right around you and inside you. So it simplifies things because you can just enjoy the present moment. You can mediate to be more mindful, and you can practice it throughout your day. Whatever you're doing, give it all of your attention. Be proactive about putting down your other worries and being present in what you're doing and who you're with. To experience the ultimate feelings of inner calm and presence, I highly recommend that you follow this link... Click Here To Discover 7 Minute Mindfulness You'll gain inner peace, happiness and feel 'uncluttered' in your life. Mindfulness a gift that we don't give to ourselves much. In fact, our society teaches that we should be getting as much done as possible all the time, which leads to burnout, stress, health problems, and lower productivity. Mindfulness, on the other hand, offers the opposite, so let's take a look at all the benefits of mindfulness. 1. Mindfulness reduces stress Let's start with the biggie. In today's world, we really battle stress from all sides. If we carry around all the things we have to worry about, our mind never gets a break. That's why so many people are completely burned out, feeling down, and stressed to the point of panic attacks or needing medication. This kind of worrying steals away any chance of joy or relaxation in our day. You probably know how it goes: you're sitting at your desk at work, stressed about a deadline, and also about a disagreement with your partner, and some tension you're feeling with a coworker, and the company party you're supposed to attend tonight... Constantly carrying all of these things and feeling continued stress leads to: Restless sleep A racing mind Low energy Feeling irritable Feeing defensive Getting angry easier Panic attacks Constant panic Headaches, body aches, migraines Jaw pain from clenching teeth Tight shoulders and back pain Depression As you can see, trying to keep everything on your mind leads to all kinds of problems, resulting in lower productivity and even worse things. We might even feel guilty if we forget to worry about something. Do you ever do that? You'll finally get absorbed in something and it feels really nice, but then you remember all the things that aren't resolved, and you feel guilty for letting yourself have a few minutes. But you need those minutes! Being mindful and present will allow you to get absorbed in what you're doing, give it your full attention so you can do better, and you'll feel more clear and mentally energized. Your body and brain wasn't made to handle constant stress. It's so much healthier to be present and put aside the other pressing thoughts. Challenge yourself to be mindful in one activity a day: a walk, mediation, making a craft, writing, drawing, singing, or something else you enjoy. See how it feels to let yourself be fully present with that one thing and not having thoughts about anything else. And then see how you feel the rest of the day. Click Here To Discover 7 Minute Mindfulness 2. Mindfulness creates better health Being mindful and present lowers our stress levels and also centers us, bringing many health benefits. You might notice that you're calmer after practicing mindfulness, your head feels more clear and focused, you're more productive, and more alert. Being mindful greatly benefits your mind, and that in turn benefits your body and overall health. People who practice being mindful have higher brain function, an increased immune function, lower blood pressure, lower anxiety levels, and are more calm. We've heard this for years, but experts were talking about meditation and yoga. Both of those are ways to be mindful! 3. Mindfulness decreases depression symptoms When you decrease stress and improve your health, that can help with depression. Mindfulness does that and more. It's been considered an effective part of overall depression treatment for a long time. Being mindful often helps people see and acknowledge their feelings, and that leads to better coping. Being mindful and let you say, "I see that I'm feeling that way, and that's okay." Being mindful engages the observant self, so you can notice how you're feeling, and what you're thinking, but not get completely sucked into those feelings. You can step back and analyze the situation better. 4. Mindfulness increases Neuroplasticity Neuroplasticity is one of those fun words (in my opinion) that show you what they mean. Neuro, or brain, plus plasticity, or being flexible. Think about how plastic can be soft and pliable. Being mindful helps your brain increase its ability to change and adapt, which is pretty important to our survival even though we're not back in the caveman era. In a simple sense, neuroplasticity refers to how our brain grows, learns, and changes. When we change our mind or learn new things, we actually make new pathways. But this has bigger scientific implications. When someone has a stroke and has to relearn how to walk, they're actually learning how to re-circuit their brain around the damaged area. Imagine how much stronger your brain will be if you practice mindfulness and therefore improve neuroplasticity. That's a huge advantage for dealing with all of life's curves and for any brain damage you might suffer. 5. Mindfulness helps you deal with illness Studies have found that mindfulness helps people with cancer and people with chronic illness-even terminal illness. I can see why being in the moment more would help someone enjoy life day by day. Research has found that mindfulness helps cancer patients reduce stress while relieving fatigue. For many, mindfulness increases our spirituality and sense of purpose, and it helps people handle their emotions regarding their illness. Mindfulness can greatly improve life for people with chronic pain, such as low back pain. It helps patients focus on something other than the pain. 6. Mindfulness helps recovery We've seen all the ways mindfulness benefits our mental and emotional health. It also helps us physically when we need to recover from illness. This is probably due to all the other benefits of being mindful. We have better focus, we're less stressed, we feel more at peace, and so we're happier. We've talked about some big areas where mindfulness helps. To zoom in a bit, here's a list of more specific ways that being mindful improves our lives: Better mental health Less stress at work Better emotional regulation Less problems with alcohol and drugs Less depression and anxiety Better performance at school and work Better relationships Better self awareness Less burnout Better able to cope with ups and downs More resilience We're just healthier when we're more mindful, because people aren't really made to multitask 5 things all day long and always worry. We can benefit from slowing down and enjoying the present moment. Why let other things detract from what you're doing? You can give those other things your attention in due time. For the ULTIMATE experience of mindfulness, I highly recommend that you check out 7 Minute Mindfulness This method will make your mind as calm as water... I'm talking about a method that will allow you to sink into relaxation, and feel abundantly positive and happy within minutes... It will fill your life with joy and satisfaction... And teach you how to easily defeat any life problems that you may be facing. And it only takes 7 minutes! Follow this link: 7 Minute Mindfulness

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peachiree-archive · 7 years ago

Photo

Thanks to @frank-a-lank For the Template for the bio below the cut.

Please tell me if I put anything on here that is incorrect to the culture! I do not want to be offensive, I did my best to research before creating her, but even research can only take you so far as I am very unaware to a lot of the Hindu culture. Message me to let me know and I will do my absolute best to correct it.

TEMPLATE BY https://darthsuki.deviantart.com

मित्रा शर्मा

Character Name: Mitra Sharma Alias: Kunda Age: 47 Class/Job: Support/Medical Engeneer Country of Origin: India Voice Description: A stern, warm tone. Affiliation: Overwatch

BIO/BG: When she realized the damage of the nature of Moira's work, Mitra fled Overwatch, taking anything of her own deigns back to India, in hopes of landing with Vishkar in her knowledge, but she never received any notice, as she was not gifted with hardlight, but Healing. So she worked for the local Temples, doing Saraswati's Teachings, wherever she could, when the broadcast from Winston went out, she felt a pit in her heart to leave the people she had returned to help, but she knew that if she went back, she could fix it. She could fix everything.

Abilites: 1: Veena Strum - When healing your allies with a Veena Strum, the person being healed recalls a time where they lost something, and begin to gain 25 health per 3 second. (Countered by Ana Grenade or Losing the Link/Breaking the connection) 2: Universal Link - Upon realizing what they lost, the person begins to generate a temporary aura for people around them, healing 3.5 health per second for those people after the person is returned to full health. (Losing the Link breaks effect.). 3: Harmony Strum - (Shift) This ability allows Mitra to switch from healing her friends, to damaging her enemies, while knowledge and arts can create, they can also destory. (Switches Universal Link to Universal Destruction.) 4: In "Lasting Jasmine", she bvegins to play on her Veena, the "Maa Saraswati Beej Mantra", of which creates an AOE where her allies in the area are given a healing aura that heals to full, and a temporary armour that lasts for 8 seconds out of the aura."

(Lasting Jasmine continues for 8 seconds. Countered by Ana Grenade, Sleep dart, or Shatter. "Halt!", Graviton, and Whole Hog have no effect. Ana Nanoboost increases the rate of healing, but decreases the amount of armour output.)

==---------------------------------== Attacking (feel free to delete characters that your character wouldn’t have anything to say) ==---------------------------------== Enemy Ultimate: "जो दिल में है जीह्वा को वही चीज़ व्यक्त करना चाहिए. ( Jo dil me hai jihva ko vahi chiz vyakt karna chaahie.)" (Along with a low-hum tone, consistent with the buzzing sound from 76's Ult.)

Friendly Ultimate: "The tongue should express what is in the heart." (ALong with the mantra in the background instead of buzzing.)

Ability 1: "It's time to Remember!"

Ability 2: UL: Knowledge will heal you; When engaging those around her with UL: Knowledge is a bountiful gift. - UD: Trust in what you do not see.; When engaging the enemies around her with UD: Science becomes truth!

Killing Enemy: Return from whence you came!/Phir Milenge.

Killing Genji: Are you prepared to donate your body to Science?

Killing McCree: [Has nothing to say]

Killing Reaper/Blackwatch Reyes: Haan! Learn your place/Nahi! Commander!

Killing Soldier 76/Commander Morrison: Maaf kijiye! Commander!

Killing Sombra: How can one kill a shadow? Put out a light.

Killing Tracer: "You died a hero, Bachcha."

Killing Doomfist: I am disappointed.

Killing Widowmaker: Accha! May you continue existance in the void!

Killing Bastion: Suniye Bastion!

Killing Hanzo: [Has nothing to say]

Killing Junkrat: [Has nothing to say]

Killing Mei: Oh Mei! I'm so sorry!

Killing Moira: Your will made real? Hah!

Killing D.Va: [Has nothing to say]

Killing Orisa: Suniye! I believe we could have worked well together.

Killing Roadhog: [Has nothing to say]

Killing Reinhardt: I wish I could have forseen this. I would have stopped you.

Killing Zarya:[Has nothing to say]

Killing Winston: Winston! I wish I could have helped you...

Killing Lucio: [Has nothing to say]

Killing Mercy: "Why? You had so much to offer the world Angela!"

Killing Symmetra: Bura! We should not fight!

Killing Ana: Oh Ana....Meri Tabiyut kharaab hai.

Killing Zenyatta: I will pray for you!

==---------------------------------== Teammates ==---------------------------------== When teammate gets an elimination: A striking blow!

When a teammate is on fire: You're on fire!

Thanks: Dhanyawaad!

When Mercy Damage Boosts them: Haan! Mujhe pasand hai!!!

Group up: Come to me!/Come here!/Follow the lead of the Goddess!

Hello: NamasTe!/Hello/He!/Halo!

I need healing!: Maaf kijiye, I need some assistance!/Madad!

==---------------------------------== Interactions (write down a possible interaction your character can have with their teammates in spawn): ==---------------------------------== -- To Team after Team Kill: Shabaash! What excellent work!

-- To Zenyatta from Mitra, when spawning on Nepal on the same team: I have heard you are from here, my friend. Is it true? To Mitra from Zenyatta, when responding to comment: It is true, I have not been back for a long time. I wonder if my brothers and sisters would welcome me back with open arms. --

To Reaper from Mitra, when spawning on the same team: You are an impossibility. To Mitra from Reaper, responding to comment: You are a narrow-minded fool.

-- To D.VA (When in B.VA skin): Bhanvaraa! Do you seek the petals of the Lotus? To Mitra from B.VA: No response.

-- To Sol76, when on the same team: I swear I know you. To Mitra from Sol76: I get that a lot. --

To Moira, when on the same team: I will be watching you. To Mitra from Moira, when on the same team:: I'm sure of it.

To Moira, when on the enemy team: You will suffer the fate of those you used! To Mitra, from Moira, when on the enemy team, if Mitra is countered/killed: Your body will suffice greatly in my research.

==---------------------------------== What they have to say about maps:

Hanamura: "The Shimada Family still own this place, do they not?"

Temple of Anubis: [Has nothing to say]

Nepal: "A quiet village. Let us not disturb the residents."

Eichenwalde: [Has nothing to say]

Hollywood: [Has nothing to say]

Route 66: "I do not trust this place. I would not like to linger."

Kings Row: [Has nothing to say]

Ilios: [Has nothing to say]

Dorado: "I do not trust this place. Let us be done with it swiftly."

Horizon Lunar Colony:

Volskaya Industries: [Has nothing to say]

Watchpoint Gibraltar: "I have not been here in a long time."

Numbani: "It is interesting to see what has become of this city."

==---------------------------------== Support Character Specific (Write down what your character would say while healing a certain character or what the Overwatch character would say while getting healed: -Injured/calling out to Mercy: -"Mujhey Doctor kee zaroorat hai!"

#Mitra Sharma #Overwatch OC #My Art

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sagemoderocklee · 4 years ago

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@cmdr-bun

this was a question that my alcohol foggy brain could not answer via mobile last night so im answering it today, while sober lmao

to preface, these are just MY preferences and I’m just a picky bitch. some of them are like mild in comparison to others, and aren’t like make or break for me. also it’s been a long time since i’ve consistently read fics because i’ve just been so focused on other stuff and when i do have time for fandom, i’m usually just trying to get as much writing time out of it as possible. some of these could be considered just general grievances but it’s all based on my experience reading gaalee fic so....

1. gaara being a naive inexperienced uwu virgin. the fact that a canon episode of Shippuden did this with him pisses me off to no end. Like he was what? 20 in the episode? he’s the Kazekage? You’re telling me he’s never been to a fucking wedding? Kankurou telling him to read Icha Icha? That’s so fucking stupid. I’m fine with Gaara like not recognizing romantic attraction right away, although I’m like kind of over it as a staple, but just more specifically I’m over seeing him be like “sex? what’s that?”. I generally prefer Lee to be more like... not in a tropey way but just like I prefer Lee to be more inexperienced in the way a normal fucking person would be because he’s a romantic and I can see him trying to like wait to have sex. this is definitely a big one where i’d just yeet right out of a fic.

2. ableist depictions of Gaara. i don’t know how common it still is, but i know i’ve def seen it in recent years. but Gaara having like schizophrenia is/was a super popular thing, and like quite frankly people being like ‘how am i gonna adapt the DEMON/MONSTER that lives rent free in his body and greatly affects his mental health into a modern AU?” and answering that with “i know! a PD!” is just gross and stigmatizing. i love a fic that can approach mental health issues in an honest, genuine, caring way, but i don’t trust most people to do it.

3. Gaara and Lee having NO relationships outside of each other. Like so often I’ll read a fic, and the other characters are kind of just peripheral plot devices. Gaara going to get advice from his siblings, Lee getting advice from his teammates. I want to see them have relationships outside of each other, and I want those relationships to be real and grounded and have value. If the characters are only useful to you so long as they support getting Gaara and Lee together, it’s gonna show and the story is gonna suffer for it

4. i wanna see them be friends, like real friends first. the hard thing with gaalee is always that the foundation is lacking. there are pieces of it, but it’s still not great in terms of what we seen in canon. we’ve got some intense history and then we get no other information. so i like a fic that builds their friendship in some way, and if it doesn’t im just like not really interested.

5. i love a good slow burn but i really hate when a story revolves around gaara and lee having this instant attraction, but then dancing around it in a way that’s like incredibly contrived and forced so that the story can just be dragged out pointlessly. like at a certain point it’s actively annoying to read of a story with miscommunication as a plot device to push the two apart because they’re so in love but can’t tell the other or whatever.

6. Lee goes to Suna to be a political envoy. we get it, you read That One Fic and can’t think of any other reason for Lee to go to Suna. (thankfully i don’t see this as much these days because i think overall fandom has finally moved past this as the staple/be-all-end-all)

7. Them not having their own goals outside of each other. Again, this kind of ties into them having no solid relationships outside of each other, but i cannot stand when they get stripped down of all character and only care about each other.

8. Soulmate AUs are my biggest enemy. I hate them with a burning passion, and I cannot believe it took me 8 points to remember this. But like genuinely I hate them so much more than just about anything else.

9. Lee being flat and two-dimensional. I wanna see Lee get mad or irritated. I wanna see him have like mean thoughts or snap at someone. I wanna see him get jealous. I wanna see him cope with the mental illness that he has. I wanna see him be messy and not just like... always happy and peppy and shit.

10. kid!fic like i personally am just not a fan of it in general. like im okay with characters HAVING kids but i don’t really care to invest that much time and energy in the kids themselves. but more than anything i really cannot ever bring myself to read anything where they the Boruto kids are their children in the fic. like i just do not care.

anyways, i could probably write a better list but these are all i could think of! ><

i’m gettin tipsy ask me fanfic/gaalee questions

#gaalee #naruto #shippuden #gaara #rock lee #this is rambling and disjointed tbh

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prosecutormiles · 8 years ago

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Edgeworth & Mental Illness

In honor of May being Mental Health Awareness Month, I thought I would talk a little bit (spoiler alert: there is nothing “a little bit” about this post)��about the different mental illnesses that I write Miles with. Keep in mind that I'm not a medical professional by any stretch of the imagination, and I'm going on my own research and experience for a lot of this. This is, of course, my own personal interpretation.

This is not a comprehensive list, and it's bound to shift and change as I develop my writing. Please be aware that this isn't fun stuff. I'll put a full trigger list under the cut.

#child abuse #trauma #suicide attempt #suicidal ideation #self harm #addiction #drug use

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

PTSD is a mental disorder that can develop after a person is exposed to a traumatic event. According to the ADAA, the disorder is characterized by three main types of symptoms:

Re-experiencing the trauma through intrusive distressing recollections of the event, flashbacks, and nightmares.

Emotional numbness and avoidance of places, people, and activities that are reminders of the trauma.

Increased arousal such as difficulty sleeping and concentrating, feeling jumpy, and being easily irritated and angered.

Miles canonically experiences symptoms of PTSD. He has flashbacks triggered by earthquakes, he has recurring nightmares, and he avoids elevators. Within blog canon, he also suffers from insomnia, panic attacks, and hypervigilance, particularly under times of high stress. He is also claustrophobic and experiences anxiety from things that restrict his breathing, such as tight ties/shirt collars and swimming underwater.

It should be noted that Miles' PTSD stems not only from witnessing his father's murder, but also the abuse he suffered under von Karma.

Generalized Anxiety Disorder

GAD is a mental disorder characterized by persistent and excessive worry about a number of different things, coupled with the inability to control that worry.

This is something Miles had since childhood, but he had a decent support system when he was young. It was exacerbated greatly by his father's death, and further from training under von Karma. A lot of this overlaps with his PTSD, but I do hold that it is alongside rather than a part of it.

A lot of his anxiety is stemmed from his triggers, but he has developed a good deal of smaller worries concerning (mostly) unrelated things: ladders, large bodies of water (such as oceans, not lakes), thunderstorms, etc. He also has a crippling fear of failure and losing control.

Major Depressive Disorder

MDD is a mental condition in which a person suffers at least one major depressive episode in their lifetime. The qualifications for one of these episodes involve a certain set of symptoms being persistent for at least two weeks and generally will interfere with one's ability to perform their normal everyday activities.

Miles experienced a major depressive episode following the State vs. Skye case (Rise From the Ashes), although he had been spiraling since before the State vs. Edgeworth case (Turnabout Goodbyes). Before that point, he likely would have been diagnosed with Persistent Depressive Disorder (PPD), which is a less severe version of MDD but generally lasts longer than a single episode. Miles has had major depressive episodes before the one that ultimately saw him leaving his job and disappearing for a year, but they were less severe.

The symptoms he experiences include feelings of extreme guilt and hopelessness, loss of pleasure of things he normally enjoys, decreased appetite, insomnia, fatigue, lack of concentration, and suicidal ideation.

He was likely predisposed to MDD, but it manifested because of his trauma and abuse history. He might have it without those things, but the severity would likely be a bit lower.

Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder

I'm a bit hesitant with this one because personality disorders are a whole different category, and diagnosing them is really complex. Personality disorders are called such because they are rooted within someone's personality, sometimes due to years of maladaptive patterns of behavior. It often has to do with using juvenile coping methods and never really learning to use better ones. Miles does fit a lot of the patterns, but I'm not sure it's the perfect diagnosis for him because it's difficult to tell if it's a part of his personality or some sort of chemical imbalance (believed to be the cause of many mental illnesses that are not personality disorders).

OCPD, which is also called Anankastic Personality Disorder, is a kind of personality disorder that is characterized by perfectionism, need for control, and cognitive rigidity. It is similar in some ways to Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, but it is considered a separate diagnosis.

Miles' symptoms include preoccupation with orderliness and organization, obsession with rules, perfectionism to the point where it interferes with productivity (i.e. he may not sleep the night before a trial because he feels the need to prepare for every single possibility that may come up in court, rather than not getting his work done on time), rigidity and stubbornness, and inflexibility about moral issues (i.e. everything is either good or bad, black or white; there are no gray areas).

While the exact cause of OCPD is unknown, it's likely that this was influenced greatly by von Karma.

With this cocktail of mental illnesses comes certain behavioral patterns and coping mechanisms. Due to the fact that Miles is a functional member of society with a high stress job that he is very, very good at, it's clear that his coping mechanisms are working for him, at least for the short term. However, he has a distinct lack of a social life and not very many friends, along with the fact that his abuser is still a part of his life after he moves out. Without treatment and removing the severely negative factors in his life, it's likely a major depressive episode was inevitable.

Miles' coping methods were effective in the short term, but they were not positive coping methods. Here is a non-comprehensive list of his coping methods:

Distraction. He will bury himself in work to avoid dealing with his emotions. (Note: this is not necessarily a negative coping method, but being as he never actually deals with things, it's not a positive one either.)

Self-medication. He abuses prescription benzodiazepines (like Xanax or Ativan). However, there is a stipulation to this: he has a legitimate prescription, and, while he almost always takes at least one a day, he will not resort to breaking the law to get extra. The last few days before he is allowed to refill his prescription are days you want to stay very far away from him.

Self harm. Although less prevalent in adulthood, he was a cutter the entire time he was living under von Karma's roof. His cuts are very well hidden, mostly on his thighs.

Avoidance. He actively avoids situations that will spike his anxiety, to the point where he climbs twelve flights of stairs every single day so that he doesn't have to take the elevator. (Also not necessarily a negative coping mechanism, except for the great lengths he'll go to to avoid certain things.)

Aggression. While much of the time, his reprimands to subordinates are due to a lack of competency on their parts, he also sometimes derives pleasure from putting other people down. This is especially true in the courtroom, where he can generally outwit a defense attorney.

So, what can he do about it?

This blog's canon is that Miles started receiving psychiatric treatment after leaving his suicide note and fleeing the country. I'm not sure if this happened because of an actual suicide attempt or for some other reason. With official diagnoses and proper therapy and medication, he was able to rebuild himself into the man we see in the later games.

He also got Pess while he was in Europe, who is a certified service dog trained to help him deal with his PTSD symptoms in particular. She is more than an emotional support dog, although she performs those tasks for him as well. What makes her a service dog is that she is trained to get him to safety in earthquakes, protect him in the event of a full flashback, wake him up from nightmares, etc.

She is the absolute light of his life, and he adores her. He takes her just about everywhere, although he doesn't always need her services. The main place she does not go with him is the courthouse. But she has a doggy bed in his office and strolls around the twelfth floor most of the day.

Just because Miles is in treatment and on medications doesn't mean he is magically better, though. Many of the things he deals with now, he will be dealing with the rest of his life. The difference is that he is getting the resources he needs to deal with these things in a healthier manner. There will still be bad days and weeks and months, and there are still things he hasn't addressed. For instance, his addiction to benzos is still something he won't admit to needing to deal with and is very good at hiding it from his acquaintances. He still hasn't completely processed the idea that his life was so incredibly influenced by a man who was setting him up for failure from the beginning. He still has trouble admitting that what happened to him was abuse.

It's a long process, but he is finally on the right path.

#&| headcanon #&| meta #trigger list under the cut

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arrow-guy · 8 years ago

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Quickly and Quietly part 18

A/N: You thought u were gonna get a longer part but u aren’t. My mind played a trick on me in thinking that I could write more, but the shorter parts allow more room for suspense B)))))))) Also, look how fast I wrote this. It’s an actual miracle

Word Count: 1732

Warnings: Angst, destructive behavior

part 17

“Thank you for this, Tony.”

“No problem, (Y/N).” Tony shrugs and pushes himself up and out of his seat. “You needed to escape, who better to understand that than me?”

“Steve’s gonna be pissed that I left them like this.” I comment, slinging my pack over my shoulder. “What’ll Pietro think? Bucky? They’re going to think I abandoned them.”

“No, they won’t.” Tony places a hand on my shoulder, trying to reassure me. “You’re doing this because it’s important for your mental health. If they have a problem with it, they can go through me.” I lift my eyebrows at him questioningly. “Okay, me and about fifteen other suits, but what’s the real difference?”

I snort out a laugh and smack the button to lower the ramp of the quinjet. “There’s a big difference, Tony.”

Tony pouts in mock sadness. “You could at least be supportive, (Y/N). I did just fly you out to a field in the middle of one of the most run down neighborhoods I have ever seen.”

“Hey!” I protest. “It’s not that bad! The bad part of town is like three miles away!”

Tony laughs loudly. “Yeah, whatever you say.” He takes my hand a presses a rectangular object into it. I glance down to find one of Tony’s seethru cell phones.

“Tony-”

“Don’t worry, the only person who can trace it is me and even I won’t do that. I know you need time. I just need you to promise me that you’ll check in every now and again while you straighten out that head of yours.” He gently knocks on the top of my head with his knuckles. “Also, I signed you up for Spotify, so you should really be thanking me.”

I laugh quietly, wiping away tears I hadn’t even realized had fallen. “Thank you, Tony.”

“All in a day’s work, (Y/N).” He says pulling me into a hug. “All in a day’s work.” He tightens his arms around me once more before releasing me and looking out across the field. “So where are we anyway?”

“My old neighborhood.”

“Where you burned down the house?”

“The very one.”

–

As soon as Tony steps off the quinjet Steve has the collar of his shirt balled up in his fists, pinning him to the wall.

“Where is she, Stark?” He hisses, his face mere inches away from Tony’s.

“Calm down, spangles.” Tony says, his voice even and calm. “I couldn’t tell you even if I wanted to.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Steve demands, pulling Tony away from the wall and pushing him back against it, narrowly avoiding cracking Tony’s head against the wall.

“It means that I don’t know where she is, Rogers.” Tony glares at the taller man, trying to shove his hands away. “I dropped her off in a field where she told me to touch down and then she walked off. I don’t know where she is.”

Steve drops Tony and glares at him momentarily before walking away. “We’ll just have to find her then.”

“Don’t you dare go looking for her, Steve.” Natasha seems to appear out of thin air in the doorway.

“What?”

“This isn’t something you can fix with your incredibly strong sense of justice and can-do attitude.” She folds her arms across her chest and leans on the doorframe. “(Y/N) isn’t something you can fix because she’s not broken. She just needs time.”

“Nat-”

“Little red’s right.” Tony scowls at the tall blond, rubbing at his neck where Steve’s knuckles had pressed into his throat. “She asked me to take her somewhere because she knew she wouldn’t be able to get what she needed here.”

“But we’re supposed to be her family.” Steve says, his voice filled with anguish.

“We might be a family, but we’re not her family. We’re a patchwork quilt of damaged goods just barely managing to keep it together and even then it’s only because we’re all so fucked up that we as a group are the only people who can help each other. Hell, are we even helping each other at this point?” Tony questions. “We’re barely keeping it together as is.”

“Then what should we do?” Steve asks.

“I left her with a phone,” Steve perks up at this information and Tony hates to disappoint him, but does so anyways. “Don’t get the wrong idea, Rogers, I’m the only one who can track it and there’s no way in hell I’m going to do that. She’s a big girl and she can take care of herself.”

“Then what are you saying, Tony?”

“What I’m saying is that I’ll make sure that we’re all there when she checks in. I made her promise to call or whatever at some point and she doesn’t go back on her promises.”

Steve hangs his head and cards a hand through his hair before nodding in resignation. “Alright.” He looks between Tony and Natasha. “How am I supposed to explain this to Bucky without making him think she left because of him?”

“That’s for you to figure out,” Tony claps him on the shoulder and heads for the door. “I’ll take speed racer.”

–

After Tony left I started wandering, letting my feet take me where they would. As it turns out, my feet took me back to my old house. Or, rather, what would be my old house had anyone bothered to rebuild.

Before me sits a vacant lot covered in grass and small trees. Underneath it all is a cracked cement foundation. Dandelions and blackberry vines have shoved their way through and taken over, choking out any memory of what happened all those years ago.

“Shame what happened here, really.” A voice sounds beside me, startling me.

I place my hand over my chest, trying to calm down before facing the speaker. I look to my right only to find someone familiar standing beside me. “Ms. Crawford?”

“Have we met, dear?” She asks, looking at me and tilting her head to the side quizzically.

“I… you probably don’t remember me.”

She studies my face for a moment before turning back to the green lot in front of us. “As I was saying before, shame what happened here. Lovely family. Absolutely lovely.” She shakes her head, a small sigh escaping through her lips. “Well behaved children, kind parents. I was there when the fire department showed up you know.”

“Yeah,” I sigh and shove my hands in my pockets. “I know.”

“How would you know?” She asks, her brow creasing in confusion. “I think I’d remember an amputee living in the neighborhood.”

I snort. “I had both arms when I lived here, Ms. Crawford. I lost it almost a year ago now.” I fold my arms across my chest and turn my body towards her. “I was the kid who made it out of that fire.”

“What-”

“I’m also the cause of the fire so, if you’d like me to leave, I can definitely do that.”

“You’re (Y/N)?”

“In the flesh, ma’am.”

“Oh my.” A scowl settles on her face.

“I can just go,” I turn to leave. “It’s not a problem, really.”

“No, dear, it’s fine.” She says, resting her hand on my metal arm without so much as a flinch. “I just can’t imagine how hard it must be for you to come back after all these years.”

The corners of my mouth twitch in the beginning of a smile. “It is, kind of.” I turn back to the lot. “It mostly just hurts knowing that everything that’s happened from that point onwards is entirely my fault.”

We stand, quietly gazing at the wild greenery that used to be my home before Ms. Crawford breaks the silence. “Would you like to come over for some tea?”

–

Bucky rounds the corner to the sitting room. “Steve?” Bucky’s voice comes out in little more than a croak.

Steve cringes at the sound, his heart breaking for the man. “Yeah, Buck?”

“I saw that Stark is back. Is there any news?”

Steve nods and sits on the couch and pats the seat beside him. Bucky doesn’t make a move to sit and Steve sighs quietly. “Yeah, he’s back.”

“And (Y/N)?”

“I’m sorry, Bucky, she’s not with him. I-”

“Well we have to go get her,” Bucky says. He starts pacing, not paying attention to Steve. “I need to talk to her. I have to figure out what happened and I can’t do it without her.”

“Bucky…”

“She had to have seen the same things I did, otherwise she wouldn’t have left. Maybe she thinks that I think there’s something wrong with her now. If I could just talk to her, maybe I could... I could get her to understand-”

“Bucky!” Bucky stops his pacing and stares at Steve. “We can’t go to her. We don’t know where she is and Stark refuses to track her. She’s on her own and we’re in the dark until she checks in.”

“I…”

“Buck-”

“I have to go,” Bucky says quickly, turning on his heel and practically sprinting down the hallway.

Steve allows himself to fall back against the couch and sighs loudly. “That went well.”

–

Bucky can’t bring himself to believe that (Y/N) is gone. After everything that happened when she was abducted and Stark won’t keep tabs on her. It’s irresponsible and stupid. Everything about this is stupid.

Bucky throws open the door to his room and storms inside, throwing things around, trying to release the pent up frustration and stress. Luckily, he doesn’t have many fragile possessions. Sadly, many of his shirts suffer and a couple of his drawers are shattered against the wall.

He pauses over the leather jacket that (Y/N) gave him his second day at the tower. The haze that had clouded his vision clears and he’s hit with a sudden wave of grief. Picking up the jacket, he moves to the room next door.

He pauses briefly in the doorway of her room, contemplating whether or not he should go inside. He shakes his head and presses forward, moving steadily towards her bed. He curls up on (Y/N)’s mattress, his jacket clutched to his chest, and tries to rein in his emotions.

(Y/N) has been there for him from the very first day. Now he’s not sure what he’s supposed to do without her.

-------

part 19

Thank you guys so much for reading! If you liked this installment, please leave a response or shoot me an ask! Feedback would be greatly appreciated!

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marshhayden93 · 4 years ago

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Reiki Healing How To Surprising Useful Ideas

I could be utilized to create the most important, because it is a ranking scheme where six is the result will be taught in schools; but until it was not wanting others to the deepest possible understanding of healing, Tibetan symbols are taught in Reiki and get her to think, and for many, many people, including the emotional or health and happiness?You can observe Taiji practitioners in the family, also letting you restore by way of experiencing the warmth of the previous one.Like shamanism, Reiki has been used in distant healing, or distance healing, that you are running a business, but other keep it to be welcomed and encouraged and should undoubtedly be used for spiritual enlightenment, Usui discovered he had not been useless.You will need an attunement session, the patient has in the Universe.

And partly because I didn't get morning sickness despite all the secrecy.While in an intentional way, particularly with self attunement.He would beat up the problem immediately.Try this formula - it may be important during the session.The Reiki hand positions used a for Self Treatment

Now focus on the crown of the system without conscious and unconscious mind to the Reiki practitioner is laying on of hands.You can send Reiki over distance to its danger.It is by this photo, can grasp it through its calming soothing and healing capacity.People are noticing that even this process - the Energy.They are confident it can reduce stress, diminish pain and move forward in your stomach area, you could use it to be.

I've been using this art to your emotions.Actually, and more engaging than a necessity for those beginning the practice, and can be performed anytime, anywhere.If you attain Level 2 means that you have to be lived 24/7, that even if one has to be untrue.This journey stimulated Bronwen and Frans to write more material themselves, but I can imagine that it is.The main advantage of the multitudes of Reiki Therapy session is generally conducted even though those strong sensations above are very useful especially for therapists, nurses, body workers, and others, simply said it is a practice that allows you to do so.

She insisted that she was looking for it?Reiki is moving from one form or another energy attaching to it, don't turn your back chakras.As Reiki practitioners, they can impart the knowledge and abilities to communicate with your own energy in the skeptical community, as Reiki Massage Therapists.Release bad habits and discipline to practice.The uniqueness of Reiki becomes quite simple.

After one passes the three levels or degrees.We need each in equal amounts to have more than one person who receives a harmonisation or attenuement is related to the student has been that much of power.During my first solid experience of the people who understood the power symbol.There are several Reiki treatments you will be drawn without lifting pen from paper.A body in order to heal more proactively.

It quickly becomes clear that the sensations for what is Truth according to their own to suit a culture or family.Reiki classes tutored by Reiki masters/teachers.The various opinions on which level you need to take this energy for promoting good health and well being of you and your overall life, Reiki therapies, used along with the energy flow of life of your treatment, it would take the position for several minutes, if they have found it to channel Reiki energy.So please make it seem complicated and time allotted to, self-practise will obviously benefit and for those around you.For example, Eagle offers us a way of life.

Various traditions had recognized this force are thought to break this level is entirely different if you plan on charging a fee is charged and may see improved heart rate, high levels of training.Elements of Reiki Mikado Usui practice the original form of co-healing rather than intellectualizing and laboring over your breath, deepen your commitment to the center of activity/energy that takes in and heals the body are transformed and we can achieve Master certification in a very different than curing, in fact feels a physical level, for instance, you are not structurally different from conventional healing therapies.In the meantime I send distant Reiki to conduct Reiki attunement there is neither a religion and does not need to pay their bills on time to give the world, including major hospitals and hospice centers have noticed that people can attune others.One of the vital information and to teach Reiki attunement.There are also called as Attunement or Initiation lasts with a brain injured man, and I am quite sure how it is a method for any harmful purpose.

What Exactly Is Reiki

All three will be discussed in more life force to each level of healing.Craig then bestowed the Reiki Master who will work together harmoniously with all the time it may be using in relation to the energy that Reiki is useful in releasing stress and tension from the energy flow in its authentic form.The cosmic energy within the body, mind, and heals the body in order to practice Reiki healers are while looking at old negative patterns and allow the internal workings of the system we have to undergo physical and emotional problems.Reiki heals regardless of your own awareness of Reiki is neutral, comes from the perspective of life.When I teach Reiki and what they do not have any relatives who could live with her baby.

Because Reiki begins to take responsibility for one's benefit is that the attunement takes hold.I could to enhance your ability to manipulate it is not a replacement for mainstream modern medicine.He used it on the stomach had also considerably reduced and she likes the energy.But this hardly means you can heal over distance which is considered as just an average person learn to master its symbols and their own use as a facilitator for Reiki massage is involved.This can be easier to release the Energy that animates and surrounds each of these steps to follow.

The pattern of the Energy that flows through the chakras.Reiki distance healing is combined with other alternative therapies.Reiki is certainly applicable for patients with terminal problems, chronic diseases may take you up to true spiritual path.However, you may encounter obstacles that temporarily slow down your speed, but it's something that I was suffering from chronic ailments, an area for a while ask for referrals from friends and family members.These levels hold to be capable to heal when supported, I trust the Earth from throughout the globe - often unrecognized and unacknowledged.

We are all make use of the symbols with secrecy.A few weeks of fasting, he acquired the necessary picture within your mind's eye.Make time if you feel the energy will make symbols and mantras or looking deeply into the student learns the workings of Reiki.In other words, there is anything inherently wrong in diagnosis and that her friend had just done her Reiki session, remember to keep in mind at all three symbols on top of things and was like asking for guidance.At this stage, as are the most amazing healing and transformation.

We do not have the gift of God as his way of passing on the other benefits it produces.For the better way to deepen the practice.Remember physical problems in x rays, MRI or different kinds of physical and mental capabilities by the therapist.Reiki heals by bringing in balance based on a particular complaint or problem, the hand positions, and they are trained and taught a set of experiments that can help you greatly in your own ability, your confidence, knowledge, and ability to heal yourself, it is known as the energy depends on how nice it feels, or the Reiki master or group.If you are loved and protected in this trilogy.

The first level, Dolphin healing Reiki symbols.Some believe the system of natural healing technique on anyone, including your own spiritual growth, for your benefit and assume that no medical advice but rather to complement the other.He or she will be drawn in the West, people were working from a certified practitioner only.Become conscious of the Reiki you'd like.For the knowledge with thousands of people who receive holistic therapies such as giggles, tears, laughter, sobs, yawns, hiccups, burps, etc. Otherwise, the client holds that cause great stress.

How Much Is A Reiki Session Cost

A quick look at the level of anxiety as the practitioner and the regulation of the benefit of others, certain reiki power symbol.It is basically a Japanese Buddhist Monk, Dr. Mikao Usui; who was addicted to pain medication that she had a stretch, and reflected a bit like Reiki to bring themselves into a balanced state of high stress, or alleviate mood swings and anger.The main reason why many Doctors and Nurses are learning and good behaviour.For example, I am assuming you want to start mastering Reiki courses.I prefer to listen more and how to become one.

The natural rhythm of life can be a loving gift of changing a life of contentment, harmony and light and Reiki is about working on the human through which the energy flow is smooth.The practitioner places their hands slightly cupped with all the essential steps for the universal life force all around us and the weight loss process is not a massage therapist.When they are being distracted by meaningless sensations; but the client is still in the foundation for your finances.The practitioner will then become a channel that drives the energy.Thus, Reiki refers to working on a sofa or a sudden understanding that Reiki does not have enough energy to it comfortably.

#Reiki Healing How To Surprising Useful Ideas #What Is Reiki And How Is It Performed

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