#I wonder if different trans people in the different races experience dysphoria differently

[mechagic]

Marcille is trans, but since she's half elf and was mostly surrounded by elves she didn't really have to transition that much, since you know elves are very fem

Every time someone tells her "hey you look masculine" she would just say that it came from her human father's side (if shes comfortable saying that) or that the lion decided to fuck her over one last time (as a joke)

Extra ramblings in the tags bc why not 👍

[hiiragi7]

Purple and Yellow-Colored Transness - An Intersex Trans View of Transition

It is strongly my opinion that an intersex lens is fundamentally necessary to understand transness, as much as race, disability, class, & culture is.

Yet, much of the time, when intersex is applied to transness it is used as a fetishization - and use without consent of the used is abuse. (Audre Lorde, Uses of the Erotic)

Our perisex trans siblings so often use us as a tool for pornography, as an object to shove insecurities and pain and desire onto, as a temporary escape from dysphoria and thought, as an imagined excuse to supposedly avoid oppression. Afterwards, we are discarded, much like an object that has fulfilled its purpose.

Intersex people do not exist for the purpose of abuse, incestual or otherwise. Intersex is power, intersex is love, intersex is experience.

As a group so deeply harmed and betrayed by our perisex trans siblings, it is no wonder why so many of us reject any lens which suggests there is intersexuality to be found in transness - I doubt that many of us have ever seen what it may look like outside of as an abuse of our bodies, our identities.

And yet, I cannot help but feel that there is an inherent intersexness to be found in transness. Rather than rejecting this, erasing this, I feel it is absolutely necessary to embrace without conflating or fetishizing this. This is not to say, however, that we are one in the same; in fact, within our differences is where I find a lot of our power lies. It is our ability to share experiences without using one another which is vital.

I struggle with this feeling, knowing so much more work must be done, knowing it cannot be fully expressed yet.

When my trans sibling is excited over newly developing traits we now both share, I would love to partake in that joy not only as trans joy but a joy of intersex traits as well. When sex characteristics I have been shamed for my entire life for having naturally becomes something which another person not only seeks out but actively falls in love with as it happens, is this truly only trans love? Is it not also an intersex love?

And yet, at the same time, I find myself choosing my words carefully; I fear they will be stolen from me, used as a weapon against myself and my community. We are still made so fetishized, so invisible, so abused, even amongst siblings. Because of this, I fear the answer to my question is that we are not yet at a point where trans love is an intersex love, but rather what I am seeing is a trans love of traits detached from any intersexuality at all. Even in cases where our bodies may look so similar, you don't see all of me - You only know me as trans, never intersex. You only know my variant sex characteristics as something possible through transition or pornography, and have erased any mention of me in them.

I see my trans self reflected in my intersex self, and my intersex self reflected in my trans self. My body no longer produces its own hormones; I get mine from a clinic that provides gender affirming care for trans people, the same place where just two days ago I had to spend time educating a nurse who learned the word intersex for the first time that day because of me. The surgeries which I both have gotten and will get in the future are both as trans as they are intersex. The letters from my doctors to appease insurance say I am transitioning and that this is a requirement for treatment of gender dysphoria, some of my medical papers say I am intersex and seeking a urethral reconstruction. Both of these hold truth to them.

There are intersex people and trans people who share scars in the exact same places, from procedures which were similar, but were done for different reasons. One grieves where the other celebrates. One tells a story of their identity being stolen from them, one tells a story of finally being able to be themselves. In some cases, both of these are the same people at different points in time in their life.

[anti-endo-safe-space]

what I've come to understand from endos:

you don't need trauma to be a system, but no one is claiming to be a system, but system isn't a medical term or related to CDDs cause of the google definition of system. you can be a system from autism or bpd or any disorder (this feels so much like saying tourettes can come from anxiety and ADHD and autism, which it cant. you either tic or you don't, it's either tourettes or one of the few other causes. even if you only tic when in pain or stressed, that's still ticcing and it's actually quite common. sorry, side rant.) no one is trying to claim you can have DID/OSDD without trauma or that it's not a disorder, but also a person says it's like LGBTQ+ and a fun identity and this person says they're an endogenic DID system. you can be traumatized and have it affect your system, but your system just didn't form from the trauma (you're...so close to it. plenty of systems actually don't always identify with CDDs despite being diagnosed, it's normal.) anti endo traumagenics lead a miserable life full of hate. trauma is to systemhood and plurality like dysphoria is to being trans (feels like what transID folks say about race and stuff, completely ignoring the nuances of what a "social construct" really is. a gender identity is VERY DIFFERENT from plurality even if plurality existed outside of CDDs.) endo systems are treated so purely by people and it's honestly disgusting how many people are anti endo and it's all cause their plurality forms from something other than trauma even if they do have trauma. it just isn't fair how many system spaces only care about traumagenics. (hm wonder why, almost like cause it's OUR SPACE to talk about OUR EXPERIENCES and endos not being formed by trauma is inherently DIFFERENT and should not be directly compared even if the experience of plurality is the same.)

Like to be serious now, our experiences as traumagenic/CDD havers is always going to be different. So to act like we MUST share a space and be accepting of endos is just...wrong. Of course we are going to not want endos interacting with us when we are talking about OUR EXPERIENCES. Even if they SEEM SIMILAR by the idea of being plural, they function entirely differently. If plurality truly exists and is not just misguided and misunderstood then...our experiences are inherently different. So WHY would you be obsessed with being accepted by traumagenics or be angry when traumagenics so much as say endos dni or assume that every anti endo, endo neutral, endos dni, whatever else is someone flat out hating you. We personally put endos dni on our trauma posts because our experience as a system is tied to something that they can never understand if they are truly not traumagenic. we don't ultimately care if we have endo or pro endo followers or even to care enough to say it's fully not possible. seriously. endos act like we are the exact same except for in our source of systemhood/plurality. when even the idea of our alters/head mates would be entirely different altogether if plurality existed in the way they say it would. but instead I see endos acting as if we are one in the same just with different origins and that's...not right??? Our experiences will always be vastly different from endogenics. It's one thing if individuals are participating in both communities or sumthn, whatever. but endos so often encroach on our community and when we get upset about it, they wanna bite back. Like why just you use such similar terms and names? Why must you be accepted in our spaces when a lot of us trauma survivors are not in a space to accept such a thing (especially with people denying systems altogether, misinformation being spread, us having literal triggers that can be caused by endos)? Why do you NEED to exist within our space??? Why have endogenics ALWAYS done this to an extent??? Why do you NEED to have us be pro endo or okay with endos especially when many of us are dealing with our own issues and are mostly anti endo just for the fact that we feel like our experiences are being "taken" in a way which can happen when you're literally traumatized???

It feels like they forget the nuance of being a trauma survivor and a traumatized system and shit also means many may not want to interact with you or want to validate you as an endogenic while claiming the same or similar experiences, using terms we use to describe our experiences as trauma survivors and traumagenic systems, and often stepping over boundaries and trying to say our experiences are the exact same . And that's okay. The fact is if you are truly plural in an endogenic way or willed your system into existence or whatever, your experiences will NEVER be like traumagenic systems. Cause we never asked for this (even if we are okay with it or pursue functional multiplicity) and the way our systems function are based around trauma and survival, not whatever reason you have. It will ALWAYS be inherently different. And endos don't seem to get that. They seem to forget that we have our systems from trauma and will not function the same way at all and sharing terms and community space as if we are so similar is just inherently wrong. Cause if they truly are plural from not trauma, then their alters, their everything would not function at all like us.

TransID Mention

Don't have much to comment on unfortunately (low social battery), but we agree. If somehow they do actually exist, NOTHING about them is similar (this isn't us saying they exist, we firmly believe they do not exist).

Plurality is nothing like LGBTQ+, nothing at all. Anyone who claims it is seems to be fucking TransID's and sorry but they're opinions don't count here with their fucking "transtraumatized" "transramcoa" "transplural" bullshit.

Again we just want to reiterate, we don't believe you can will a system into creation or anything but just commenting on this. (took us a while to even post it because it took some time trying to figure out if it was pro-endo or not, we've had a lot going on irl sue us)

[abigail-rytel]

I wish there was more nuance to the Trans Experience (tm) aside from the categories of "I have either sought or am doing everything in my power to seek physical transition; it is wonderful and I finally, truly feel alive" and "It's okay if you're not there yet not everyone experiences dysphoria not everyone wants to pass it's not a race it's okay you're still valid." (Whatever "valid" means.)

Because, like: do I consider myself trans? Yes. Do I experience dysphoria? Likely not to the degree that some do, but yes, frequently. Do I desire HRT? Strictly speaking, if I must choose a binary answer, yes, but...

Is physical transitioning a priority for me? No. Am I actively seeking it out? No. Would I be content going the rest of my life without it? As much as I can be content given various circumstances, yes, I would. At the very least, I'm willing to accept the possibility.

If money was no object, and HRT was freely available, and there was no social stigma or other risks involved in my transition, would I utilize it? 100% yes. But that's not the life in which I live. Not only is it not affordable or easily acquired, but the consequences of being publicly out in the first place risks leaving me jobless and homeless if the right people decide that they don't like it. I have no safety nets and have to tread cautiously with that in mind.

So... I do what I can. I make my online persona as trans-forward as I can. I alleviate my dysphoria as best as I am able with the tools available to me. Given mental and physical struggles that make it hard to work and have hobbies and take care of myself in ways that have nothing strictly to do with being trans or queer, I push forward day after day. I get by. I survive. I play the hand I was dealt.

And yet it constantly, consistently, feels like it's not good enough. Like I'm not good enough. Whenever I mention that I'm not strictly in Category 1, I'm immediately pushed by others into Category 2, which is not only factually inaccurate (I do experience dysphoria, I do wish I could pass, it's not a race because I'm not even running) but often feels like them saying "well you're not as good at being trans as us but it would be a social faux pas to say that so we'll just hide it in platitudes instead."

I am a trans woman. I am trans now, I have been trans for years, and I will continue to be trans even if I continue to resemble the "before" pictures that people openly call sad and ugly and cringe. I am trans even if what I desire and what I am capable of are incompatible. I am trans even if I don't embody the Trans Experience (tm) or hit every step of the Trans Journey (tm).

But in the end, my own self-assurance means nothing. It means nothing because I will continue to be cut off from trans culture and community unless I conform to the typical, conceivable trans concepts (or choose not to conform in ways that are themselves typical and conceivable). My opinion of myself is irrelevant in the face of those with authority who can simply tell me "no," and there are many such people out there, and it is only after they shut the gate that I will learn their identity.

Coming up next week is the anniversary of the day I chose my name and began to socially transition. It is a day that I celebrate with all the pomp of my birthday (which I actually care little about; what difference does it make what day my parents gave birth to their son?) I told a queer-focused chat about this once, and was immediately hit with "actually, you're supposed to celebrate the anniversary of the day you start HRT. That's what I do."

Supposed to.

[asexualactivities]

I am AMAB and gender questioning, and have a question on something which I've heard trans women talk about regarding female vs. male orgasms. Is it a myth or true that female orgasms are stronger and more pleasurable than male orgasms? I've heard many MtF people say that on HRT, their orgasms take longer to happen but end up being far longer and more intense, whereas before for men it's usually over after a few seconds. Is this true or a myth? Unfortunately, if true this is dysphoria causing.

I can't speak to the experience on hormones, so if anyone out there would like to talk about their experiences, please do so! You can either respond directly here or send in an anonymous Ask for me to publish.

What I can say is that orgasms are wildly variable, even for a single individual. I've had orgasms that last a few seconds, as well as longer, more intense ones, no additional hormones involved. One of the main factors that tends to make a difference is how long it takes to get there. It's not always the case, but often when I take more time to reach orgasm, that orgasm is more intense and will last longer, but if I race to the finish, the orgasm and afterglow are shorter, too.

(For a frame of reference to compare, when I'm talking about the "race to the finish", I'm thinking of quickly masturbating in the shower before the water gets cold kind of timeline, while "taking longer" is a twenty minute to over an hour kind of range.)

In my case, if I want it to take longer, I'll do things like edge (repeatedly stop or slow stimulation when close to orgasm) or squeeze my PC muscles (also called Kegel exercises, these are the muscles you use to stop peeing), which will generally result in more pleasurable sensations overall, as well as a longer and more intense orgasm (but not always!). However, there have been times where it's unintentionally taken a long time to reach orgasm, and it's longer and stronger in many of those cases, too. And sometimes I've gotten kind of "stuck", where I'm right at the door to the orgasm, but it just won't open, which can be simultaneously highly pleasurable and somewhat frustrating...

Now, while I know it's possible for a penis-owner to shuffle up their technique and make orgasms last longer and be more intense, what I don't know is whether this is a fundamentally different experience than what you're mentioning. I have no way to really compare whether my concept of "longer and more intense" matches what a person on HRT would say or what an AFAB person might say. I just know that it's longer and more intense for me, compared to other experiences I've had. (And as a side note, I've often wondered if my asexuality has indirectly led to "longer and more intense" orgasms on my part, because there's no sexual attraction component pushing things along faster...)

If anyone out there has personal experiences they'd like to share, or knows of any resources or studies on this topic, please let me know!

[ussgallifrey]

i was wondering (and you in no way have to answer this as it's not your job to educate me - i'd just appreciate your opinion) if it's alright for me to write a non-binary main oc/reader even though i'm cis? honestly, if anything, i wouldn't touch the topic of dysphoria or anything in that sense cause i don't think it's my place to speak on or describe, so it would be more in the realm of i'll make some references to make it explicit that they're non-binary, but otherwise not bring it up in excess. is this okay, or is it not my place at all? i just want to be more inclusive in my writing but i also don't want to step on any toes.

I completely understand where you're coming from, anon.

There's a wonderful world of characters out there waiting to be discovered and written about. The number of backstories and arcs we could give a character are too numerous to count. And that is definitely part of the fun with exploring different backgrounds.

Is our character a florist? A spy? A newly discovered witch? What is their life like? What drives them, what brings them joy?

There's still a lot of back and forth if certain people should write certain characters. If white people should write POC characters, for example.

Black creators should be the main voice when it comes to writing black characters - their experience is far closer and therefore more accurate. Where it can be seen as white people just trying to be more inclusive for the sake of inclusivity by writing a POC character without really understanding the true depth and nature of that character.

Does it mean a white person shouldn't be inclusive enough to write for POC characters though? Personally, I've got stories that include readers and original characters who are explicitly stated as being not white.

And while I strive to be inclusive in a sea of pretty generic and clearly white reader inserts, and I try my best to convey the background and feelings of characters that I myself will never have to grapple with or go through as a white person, I will still never have the experience that a POC creator has.

Now we get to your question.

I think we can agree that the majority of reader inserts and OCs on this site are female. Occassionally you can find a gender neutral or male reader, but fem readers are the norm.

As someone who has dealt with gender identity and has only been coming to term with my gender in the past few years, I feel uniquely qualified to write for characters who are nonbinary or queer or trans in a way that I don't when writing for POC characters.

The same way that, as a person who has gone through pregnancy and parenting, I feel more qualified to write for pregnant readers and parenting stories. Does that mean no one but mothers can write those stories? No, of course not.

But it's not quite the same as writing characters of a specific gender, sexuality, or race, wouldn't you say?

So, here's the question. Why do you want to write a nonbinary character? Just for the sake of inclusiveness?

Do you feel like you could write this person in a way that wouldn't be offensive, a stereotype? Would you be able to weave their gender identity into the story without glossing over it entirely?

I'm not saying that, as a nonbinary person, that I spend my time reminding everyone that I am nonbinary, that every other sentence is about binders or androgynous clothes. I'm just a person who happens to be nonbinary. But it's a key part of who I am. How I present myself.

Would it be more acceptable to just write a gender neutral character? One that's gender is never explicitly stated, nor what's in their pants, or how they identify?

A gender neutral reader who just about anyone could see themselves in. This might be your best path if you feel that you wouldn't be able to write a nonbinary character with absolute care.

Obviously, I don't speak for the community at large. There are several other creators who should probably be able to put in their two cents as well. But this is my best advice for you, anon.

As a cis person, you will never fully understand the experience a nonbinary person has. If you feel confident and comfortable enough to write such a character, I'm not going to stop you - nonbinary characters are still few and far between in this fandom. But, if you feel that it would be stepping on toes to do so, maybe you would be better off writing a gender neutral reader.

Any of my nonbinary, trans, or queer followers want to add to this?

[hewmonderp]

Gender identity vs gender expression, a personal turmoil

So, I’m female. I guess you could call me cis female? I guess I identify as the gender I was assigned at birth. But that assertion came with a lot of questioning and intense speculation and scrupulous introspection. Less that I identify as female, more like “well those are the parts I have, so I guess that’s what I am?” When I have brought it up with trans-friendly members of my queer community they often ask “well when you look inside, what do you feel like?” And the answer? I feel like a being piloting a meat ship. I’m not overly connected to this body or the parts on it. At least, not anymore...

I was born in the 80’s which means trans-rights activism wasn’t at the forefront during my growth and development (everyone was still wrestling with the idea that homosexuals are human beings, too). I was often labeled a tomboy as a child, which was, and I guess still is, the most accurate description for myself. I was never into super “girly” behaviors or hobbies (except crafts and dressing up, those are fun no matter what gender). I liked running around outside, getting muddy, catching critters (I’d lose my mind over catching snakes) I preferred “boys toys” to the “girl toys” especially at fast food restaurants. Why would I want another stupid crappy doll with cheap plastic hair to “style” when I could have a robot or race car.

Even when I learned about puberty and was outraged to find out that “My body is going to do WHAT every month??” I never experienced the dysphoria associated with feeling like you were in the wrong body. I hated what my body put me through (still do) but I never got the feeling like I was “supposed” to have a penis instead. I would get seriously offended and emotionally wounded when someone would misgender me. Looking back, I understand why it happened. I didn’t have the best self esteem (that’s a different but related can of worms...or bees) and dressed in baggy and misshapen clothing (it was the 90’s!) being half Dominican I have noticeable facial hair and bushy eyebrows, and I was never one for maticulous facial grooming. Add to that, fairly small breasts and is it any wonder that people thought I might just be an overweight male as a teen?

It was, and still is, the idea that “if you are a girl, you express these behaviors, and if you are a boy you express these other behaviors” that bothers me most. Or that you are supposed to dress a certain way. I often dress rather androgynously (t-shirts, jeans, flannels or jackets) because wearing clothes too far one way or the other feels like wearing a costume. I rather like wearing those costumes at different times. For example, on Christmas I managed to score a really cute dress, so I went all out in performing femininity and it felt nice. But it still felt like dressing up for halloween or a convention. Similarly, my friends’ wedding was Great Gatsby themed and she specified “black tie!!” So I did as instructed and wore a 2 piece suit and bow-tie, complete with a porkpie hat. I felt great in that costume, too.

So while I’m most comfortable identifying as female, my gender expression is hands-down-non-binary. I go by she/her, however I’m comfortable with they/them, and even him/he if I’m dressed particularly masculine (though I’m still offended at being called “mannish”, that word in particular gets my hackles up). As I’ve aged and gained experience in life, I have learned that I don’t need to let the misconceptions of others bear weight on my psyche.

Maybe if I had been born during this time of trans normalization, I would have felt differently. One could argue acceptance of my female parts comes from 30 years of repression and dissuasion from peers and family. I’ve resigned to accepting myself as female because I had no other option. Maybe today I would be pushing for they/them pronouns for myself if I was born more recently. Who knows, I could still come to that decision later in life, change my mind about how I feel, and that’s ok too! Right now, the most comfortable term I have for myself is “gender queer” because it’s the least difinitive label I could find.

I guess what it boils down to is learning yourself. Identifying those aspects of your being that you love and holding onto those, even as you shed other parts that you like less or have no need for anymore. It’s your meat-ship. Love it or hate it, you own it.

I welcome thoughts, opinions, and discussion! (She says to her imaginary followers)

[gothhabiba]

im really interested in what you said about women experiencing dysphoria and this not necessarily meaning youre trans and im just wondering how one might tell the difference? I don't see myself as a woman irt my identity but i also don't really see myself as anything else? I find it hard to figure out how much of my discomfort is maybe a nonbinary feel vs a more general feeling of being confined to a gendered body and subjected to misogyny based on that idk

I don’t think that there’s any real innate “difference” where you’re somehow ontologically one or the other & you have to discover which one you “really” are. I don’t think there’s any experience that automatically disqualifies you from being a woman. people with the same or very similar experiences regarding gender, presentation, their bodies and how they move through the world could potentially contextualise those experiences in very different ways, and ultimately it just comes down to what is most comfortable and coherent for any given person. so I wouldn’t say that there’s such a thing as a “nonbinary feel” that is somehow distinct from an experience of discomfort with misogyny–the difference lies in how you define and organise that experience, how you decide it fits into your life.

I will say that the idea that every woman has some kind of mystical innate feeling where she sees herself essentially and comfortably as a woman is just not true–if that definition were applied broadly, a lot of people who consider themselves women would not be considered women tbh. & the whole idea of what that would even mean (along with the entire concept of being nonbinary) is very deeply tied into concepts of binary gender that are incredibly modern & inextricable from capital and the creation of race. I think that most women or girls believe at some point in their lives that they must be & feel very differently from other women, just because we live in a world that flattens women’s experiences so much (as I said in an earlier post, if being uncomfortable with or having a complex relationship to gender automatically means not being a woman, then how does that affect how we think about the complexity of women’s experiences?). so you just have to acknowledge how you’re feeling and then consider what way of conceptualising how you’re feeling in terms of terminology etc would be more comfortable for you in the long term. & you can always change your answer to that question later.

[smalliinsaneone]

I posted 8,244 times in 2021

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8226 posts reblogged (100%)

For every post I created, I reblogged 457.0 posts.

I added 197 tags in 2021

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Longest Tag: 139 characters

#you know the whole ‘and i’m proud to be an american where at least i know i’m free/and i won’t forget the men who died who gave that right~

My Top Posts in 2021

#5

I was thinking about foreshadowing in media and something that I believe Jonny Sims and Matt Mercer have both said, where if fans pick up on their twists they’re proud and happy bc it means they were doing it right.

And then I was thinking about things like the MCU, where people guessed the twist so it was changed? I think? I dunno I stopped caring after Civil War.

And then there’s my very favorite, where the twist takes you by surprise but if you go back and look there are so many hints that you didn’t even know were hints. My absolute favorite example of this is The Queen’s Thief series by Megan Whalen Turner. There’s a twist in every book and she’s such a clever writer that you don’t see it coming but then you ask yourself how you could possibly have missed it when you go back to reread.

85 notes • Posted 2021-05-05 00:24:14 GMT

#4

On a scale from Captain James Hook to Eugenides Attolis, how do you handle dealing with the person who cut off your hand?

94 notes • Posted 2021-06-06 02:38:57 GMT

#3

I have some pretty strong thoughts about gender and sexuality in the Kryn Dynasty, and I'm sure this has all been said before, but I keep thinking about it.

Basically, that gender and sexuality don't matter. I mean, they do, to individuals, but to society as a whole? Nope. Because with the nature of consecution, there is no way of guaranteeing you and/or your partner will come back as the same race, let alone gender. So things like two women/two men/individuals of other genders being together? Isn't a concern, because it's about the soul, not the body.

And it's the same thing with gender. I'd imagine they'd have a distinction like "bodies with a womb/bodies without a womb" because of, like, menstruation and childbirth and stuff like that, the healthcare for the types of bodies are different, but that doesn't define if you're male or female or otherwise. Once again, it's about what the soul is, even for new souls. I just feel like body wouldn't equate with gender for those who are from the Dynasty.

I don't know if I expressed this all right, but I've been thinking about it a lot, especially because I've been reading fanfics where Essek is a trans man who doesn't experience dysphoria, and I think if he were trans in the Dynasty, he wouldn't, necessarily. Because he's not been raised in a society where body "equals" gender (I know it doesn't in any society, but I'm talking about societal norms and how people are viewed and transphobic assholes).

Anyway, that's my two cents on the issue.

121 notes • Posted 2021-05-17 17:55:40 GMT

#2

I’m watching the original animated Beauty and the Beast, and Cogsworth is voiced by David Ogden Stiers, who played Charles Emerson Winchester on MASH.

So I’m at a scene in the movie where Lumiere is being incredibly flirty, as he does, and Cogsworth is being grumpy about it, as he does, and anyway that’s just Charles and Hawkeye.

134 notes • Posted 2021-01-06 01:44:58 GMT

#1

I’m watching The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe, the scene where they fight the Witch right after Aslan dies, and I wonder how much of the tactics employed were brought in from the Pevensies and their experience living in WWII.  Like, I’m watching the birds drop rocks on the Witch’s army and paralleling that with the Blitz bombings we see in the beginning of the movie.  It’s just interesting to wonder about.

456 notes • Posted 2021-05-17 02:06:06 GMT

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[thecinephale]

The Wachowski Sisters and the Importance of Behind-the-Scenes Representation

The second season of Sense8 came out a week after I did. Well, sort of. The first two episodes of the season had been released as a holiday special and by “came out” I mean I told my girlfriend, my best friend, and my therapist that I was genderqueer but unsure to what capacity. We both chose a gradual release strategy. 

I’ve seen portrayals of transness and gender nonconformity in film & television over the years. And, in fact, I blame many of these portrayals for why it took until now for me to begin coming out. It’s hard to watch Silence of the Lambs, as great of a movie as it may be otherwise, and go “Oh yeah! That’s me!” Instead I turned to the work of cis women filmmakers for identification. I just sort of accepted that for some reason I was a 15-year-old boy who found my closest identifiers in the work of Jane Campion.

The first time I truly felt a deep connection to a genderqueer character was watching Transparent, and I can’t help but connect that to Jill Soloway being themselves genderqueer and making a point of hiring cast and crew who are trans. That first week after coming out I turned to films because that’s how I cope. I was depressed by how little of myself I saw in The Adventures of Priscilla Queen of the Desert, and then surprised to tears how much I did see myself in Ed Wood’s misunderstood, I’d now call it a masterpiece, Glen or Glenda.

Before I turn back to Lana and Lilly Wachowski and Sense8, an important clarification should be made. Of course artists for centuries have told stories about people with different experiences than themselves and many have succeeded. There are no rules here. I’m sure Priscilla means a lot to some people who are trans and alternatively I know others can’t stand Transparent either due to the immense class and race privilege most of the characters have or due to the casting of Jeffrey Tambor, a cis man to play the lead. In addition, Soloway, Wood, and the Wachowskis deserve recognition purely as artists beyond their gender identity. I’m just speaking personally. When you’re rarely seen on screen, and even more rarely seen positively, there is power going into a work knowing the artist understands on a personal level. It’s a matter of trust and a matter of safety. I feel safe when I’m watching the Wachowskis’ work.

The Wachowskis began their career with the wildly entertaining and subtly subversive film noir, Bound. It’s a truly remarkable debut that takes a classic film noir story but centers on two women (and includes the Wachowskis’ burgeoning unique visual style). Due to the explicit queerness of this first film, the desire to approach all of their work from a queer perspective feels appropriate even if nothing was known about their personal lives. Suddenly the confectionary colors of Speed Racer feel less kids-only and the acting styles in Jupiter Ascending feel less accidental. And Cloud Atlas requires just about no depth of thought to see how its cast of gender-bending (and more problematically race-bending) characters represent transness. Rather their entire filmography begins to fit nicely into the ever-evolving, impossible to define, oft-limiting, oft-necessary umbrella category of Queer Cinema. Brigit McCone’s wonderful essay “Dysphoria Dystopias in The Matrix and Glen or Glenda” does an excellent job explaining these connections in the Wachowskis’ most famous work (Read that essay here! http://www.btchflcks.com/2015/09/dysphoria-dystopias-in-the-matrix-and-glen-or-glenda.html#.WWrmi9PyuL9).

Then in 2015 they released the first season of Sense8 which is just about the most Wachowski work the Wachowskis could ever dream of Wachowski-ing. And it is glorious. The show follows eight individuals from all around the world who share a metaphysical connection that ultimately allows them to inhabit each other’s bodies. The action is incredible, of course. There are sequences throughout the series that rank among the very best I’ve ever seen. The ways that the characters are able to jump in and out of each other’s bodies creates new opportunities allowing the show to completely reinvent the action sequence much the way the Wachowskis did a decade and a half earlier when they combined Hong Kong action, anime, and Hollywood SFX in The Matrix.

The craft in these sequences is impeccable but what truly makes them captivating is how much we care about the characters involved. The eight main “sensates” are complex and empathetic and the show spends at least as much time on their individual stories as it does the interconnected plot. These eight individuals share equal screen time but for me, and it seems for the Wachowskis, the two characters that matter most are both queer: Lito, the closeted gay actor from Mexico, and Nomi, the trans woman hacker from San Francisco (portrayed by a trans woman, Jamie Clayton, who is so good in the role that anything less than full blown movie stardom in her career will be proof of the industry’s prejudice). Both characters have partners so supportive that I’d suggest it was unrealistic if I wasn’t so fortunate to have a partner like that myself. Lito’s boyfriend, Hernando, is by his side as he begins the process of coming out under the public eye. And Nomi’s girlfriend, Amanita, is by her side as she runs away from the evil corporation trying to hunt all of them but especially her. 

It’s hardly a coincidence that in season one the sensate that is hunted down most vigorously is Nomi. The villains use Nomi’s transness and our society’s prejudices towards her identity as a way of holding her captive. They succeed in convincing Nomi’s mother that Nomi needs a lobotomy because her mother already believes her gender identity is a mental illness. The show is honest about the dangers trans people face while also using Amanita and the other sensates as a safety net so we feel hopeful instead of hopeless.

Towards the end of the second season Nomi expresses her gratitude to Amanita for supporting her through all of the danger that comes with being a sensate. Nomi: Is this our new normal? Amanita: I can think of a worse normal. Nomi: Are you okay with it? Amanita: What do you mean? Nomi: I mean, you didn’t sign up for all this. Amanita: It’s not like you did either. Nomi: But I didn’t have a choice. These voices are in my head whether I want them or not. Amanita: True. But when I think back I don’t remember being given a choice either. When this nerdy girl walked into City Lights and this voice in my head was telling me, “Whatever you do, do not let her go until you get her number.”

Sitting on the couch watching this scene next to my partner, it didn’t require a lot of deep thinking to read this exchange about coming out as a sensate as a metaphor for coming out as trans. The show it takes place in was co-created by two trans women and the scene stars a trans woman. The dialogue might be as corny as a scene from The Danish Girl but here it’s real corny. The kind of corny that’s been allowed in scenes between cis-het people since the beginning of cinema. I believe this scene, and this show, and this body of work, is a more accurate portrayal of transness than most Hollywood attempts. But maybe it just goes back to the trust I have in these women telling their own stories. And even if that trust is the only difference I don’t think it’s any less important.

Last year at the GLAAD Media Awards, Lilly Wachowski made the following statement: “There’s a critical eye being cast back on Lana and I’s work through the lens of our transness. This is a cool thing because it’s an excellent reminder that art is never static. And while the ideas of identity and transformation are critical components in our work the bedrock that all ideas rest upon is love.” 

As I’ve obsessed over their work these past few months, I felt this love. And I needed this love. I’m just really grateful that two unique, visionary trans women filmmakers are out there allowing me to feel seen. 

[tape-hiss]

Hello! I've decided I'm going to put myself on a wonderful adventure by creating my first webcomic! You've been creating a beautiful story with tangible characters through White Noise. Do you have any advice for accurately representing a character with a different gender identity than your own, especially if this character is non-binary? Even more generally, how do I represent anyone with an experience different to my own in terms of gender/sexuality, race, worldview, etc.?

Oh boy! Grats on starting your webcomic. And thanks! I guess here is my advice:

Characters should be well-rounded people before they’re anything else. By this I mean, no one is *just* trans or *just* gay or *just* a woman. They have likes and dislikes, and other life experiences, and hobbies and pet peeves and all that stuff. Certainly a person’s gender identity/orientation/race etc will influence how they interact with the world and vice versa, but that’s not all there is to anyone in real life, so a character shouldn’t be like that either. That’s why (and I’ve said this before) a character’s orientation and/or gender identity is sometimes the last thing I figure out about them.

Read a bunch. Listen to people of the group you’re trying to represent. Realize that everyone in that group experiences everything differently. Example: not everyone who’s trans is trans in the same way. Not everyone experiences body dysphoria in the same way (or indeed at all); not everyone transitions in the same way; not everyone realizes they’re trans when they’re young.

Be aware of stereotypes and the missteps other people make. (This is an ongoing process.) Own up to it when you misstep yourself. Realize you are not the expert here. Being able to cast a critical eye on your own work is important.

GOOGLE IS YOUR FRIEND. If you’re writing a character in transition, google that shit! There’s so many resources. No more characters binding with Ace bandages.

I feel there’s so many different ways to be a human being that on some level ‘accuracy’ isn’t really a thing, but one thing I’d recommend you consider is what it says when you write a character a certain way, coming from *you.* An androgynous, flamboyant villain is all well and good, but coming from a straight author (for example) it harkens back to the whole ‘predatory gay’ trope. Your mileage may vary if it came from a gay author, but I’d be more prone to seeing it as a conscious reclamation of a trope. Depending. Context is important.

Maybe this is a bad example? Think of it like any old expert opinion. I don’t know shit about theoretical physics! I could write a decent paper on it maybe with some vigorous research, but an actual theoretical physicist’s opinion is just going to be more grounded in understanding than mine. You might like my paper, but you’d be right to be suspicious of it and how well I know what I’m talking about.

I think a lot of authors want the audience to consider the work as wholly separate from themselves, but when you’re writing a marginalized group to which you don’t belong, your viewpoint will almost definitely leak through even with some very careful self-reflection as you write. And that’s probably unavoidable! And some people reading may not notice! But I for one think we generally do ourselves a favor in life as a whole by being more self-reflective of our choices and why we think and do what we do.

(Also, I don’t think you could do that with a webcomic anyway. Your contact with the audience will be a lot greater than for a creator in most other media, I think. That’s just the way it works.)

Does this make sense? I’m sick and rambling. I’ll be the first to admit I’m not perfect in any of these regards, but. Anyway! Good luck.

[pinkpeccary]

all the trans ask game asks !!!!!!!!!!! or any five, if that's too many !!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ^-^

under the cut bc long

1. How did you choose your name?i still use my birth name irl, because it’s familiar and i like it, but i use ollie on here bc it’s the name i would change to if i changed. i like it because it’s gender neutral, leaning masc, but could easily not be. it actually started as a name for characters i made up, and eventually i realized i liked it enough to use it for myself.

2. What gives you the most dysphoria? (Acknowledging that not all trans people experience dysphoria)probably when people assume me to be a girl and refer to me as such. like it bothers me less if the person knows it’s not totally accurate, and it depends on the circumstances and the person and the word they use (i’m pretty okay with girlfriend or sister), but that’s the big one.

3. Do you have more physical dysphoria or more social dysphoria?i’d say more social, the physical stuff comes and goes and i can control for a lot of it with clothing

4. What do you do to perform self-care when you’re feeling dysphoric?idk really, i think i just try to distract myself by being around people i trust and just doing something else to get my mind off it. if it’s a physical thing i might change clothes to something that makes it a little less strong.

5. What was the first time you suspected you were transgender?junior year of high school, when my trans male friend was talking to our theater teacher about the complications of passing and being out and shit and mentioned demigenders as a complicating factor in that it’s not as black and white binary as people think

6. When did you realize you were transgender?probably a few months after i started thinking about it, the process was a little weird because i went from “i’m a girl” to “i’m a demigirl” to “i’m agender” and so on, but yeah

7. What is your favorite part of being transgender?this isn’t true of every trans person, but personally i find it very freeing from gender roles and biases. because i’m fluid and have difficulty conceptualizing gender in the first place, i can kind of just respond to any “x gender does this” thing with either “that applies to me” or that it doesn’t, regardless of the gender they name. 

8. How would you explain your gender identity to others?i think i’d self-describe as genderfluid. idk what between, but i think it is fluid and it feels different from day to day. i can’t easily conceptualize how gender works, so most of my descriptions are based of vague feelings. lately i’ve been leaning masc (gender-wise, not necessarily presentation-wise).

9. How did you come out? If you didn’t come out, why do you stay in the closet? Or what happened when you were outed?i talked to my mom about it a bunch during the process and that was fine. i didn’t really tell anyone in high school because it never came up and i didn’t know how to bring it up. at college it’s fairly straightforward, it’s customary to share pronouns when you meet people here, so i say i use whatever pronouns and that’s that. i’ve only really gotten into the details of it with [k tag].

10. What have your experiences with packing or wearing breast forms been?haven’t really tried it, i don’t really get bottom dysphoria

11. What are your experiences with binding or tucking?binding works somewhat. i don’t like that i have to wear a shirt over the binder to really get flat; if i just wear the binder it doesn’t look as smooth.

12. Do you pass?i mean the obvious response to this is “as what?” i don’t read male bc i’m smol, have a round face and a girl’s name, etc. in terms of dress i think i’m probably read as queer in some way, because of short hair and occasional “boy” clothes, but idk what people think my gender is by looking.

13. What (if any) steps do you want to take to medically transition?i want top surgery. idk how that’ll work, because i’ve been trying to get it arranged for this summer but being home is a bad experience so idk how that’s going to work. also i haven’t looked into this much but getting rid of the ability to be pregnant would be A+.

14. How long have you been out?since i got to college pretty much, so about 8 months or so

15. What labels have you used before you’ve settled on your current set?so the ones i can remember off the top of my head, in no particular order: demigirl, caedogirl, commogirl, agender, agenderflux, nonbinary girl, stargender

16. Have you ever experienced transphobia?only microaggressions, like people using overly binary language or assuming me to be a girl, etc.

17. What do you do when you have to go to the bathroom in public?my college has all gender neutral bathrooms. elsewise it depends on where i am, if i feel safe doing so i’ll use whichever bathroom is free/closer because i feel like i can identify with both binary genders to the same extent in that case

18. How does your family feel about your trans identity?my mom’s supportive, so’s my dad as far as i can tell, idk if my sister knows and i don’t care, my brother definitely does not know bc i’ve never really explained it to him (and it would be hard bc he’s got some cognitive issues and is still kinda young so it would take a while) but he’s wonderful and i’m sure he would be fine with it

19. Would you ever go stealth, and if you are stealth, why do you choose to be stealth?i wouldn’t. i don’t want to read as binary in either direction.

20. What do you wish you could have shared with your younger self about being trans?i wish i could’ve figured this out when i was like 10. i had major dysphoria all through puberty and ignored it on the basis that it was “probably just body image issues” and that i had “more important things to worry about.” i wish i could’ve known this was a possibility then so i maybe could’ve done something earlier.

21. Why do you use the pronouns you use?i use it pronouns. i don’t like binary pronouns bc i’m not binary, and i don’t like neopronouns bc they’re too weird for me (not that they’re bad, i just don’t personally like them). singular they sits weird in my head because it uses verbs in plural tense, even as a singular word. it is my compromise for that, as a singular gender neutral pronoun. it also has the added benefit of feeling right for when i want to distance myself from personhood, which i do as a mentally ill / autistic thing sometimes.

22. Do your neurodivergencies affect your gender?absofuckinglutely. i can’t conceptualize it. i really like things to make sense bc #autism, and gender doesn’t make any fucking sense. 

23. What’s your biggest trans-related fear?i don’t really know. i guess maybe people not letting me be who i am? idk. i’m in a pretty good place wrt physical danger, bc i pass as my agab, live in a pretty liberal place, and am v white. so idk.

24. What medical, social, or personal steps have you already taken to start your transition?ignoring gendered clothing, stopped having periods, telling people i use any pronouns

25. What do you wish cis people understood?i want them to know what it’s like to not be certain in your gender. i can’t understand what that certainty feels like, but it seems really strong in most cis people (and some trans people as well) and i want them to understand that not everyone has that.

26. What impact has being trans affected your life?i mean it’s a major part of my identity, so probably a lot, but idk specifics. 

27. What do you do to validate yourself?i really like the phrase “i’m the prettiest boy.” i’ll usually say that in my head when i’m having a good day, or like when i’m getting dressed in the morning and i like my outfit (even if it’s a girly outfit). it’s not technically accurate, bc i’m not really a boy, but i would prefer to be read as a boy than a girl.

28. How do you feel about trans representation in media?it’s pretty shit. there’s a couple good reps, but mostly you don’t really see it. also nonbinary rep is absolutely terrible.

29. Who is your favorite trans celebrity?ngl the only one i know is laverne cox

30. Who is the transgender person who has influenced you the most?idk

31. How are you involved with the trans community, IRL or online?last semester i went to my college’s trans affinity space (this semester it conflicted with a class i’m taking). online i just kinda talk about my gender sometimes, i’m not really that involved.

32. How do you see yourself identifying and presenting in 5 years?probably the same (autistic genderfluid), presenting boy-ish, etc.

33. What trans issue are you most passionate about?i have no passions 

(this is a lie i have many SpIns)

34. What advice would you give to other trans people, or what message would you like to share with them?whatever you id as and whatever you feel comfortable sharing is totally cool and you are rad

35. How do you feel your gender interacts with your race, disability, class, weight, etc. from the perspective of intersectionality?i mean i’d honestly say my gender identity is probably a symptom of my disability. aside from that i’ve got the thin white kid privilege in that i look like the stereotypical nonbinary. i’m fairly privileged in terms of trans stuff based on location, circumstances, appearance, etc, so yeah.

36. What, if any, is the difference between your gender identity and your gender expression?i wear what i feel like for the day. i like sundresses, and usually think of myself as more “boy in a dress” though it definitely doesn’t read that way. sometimes i wear more boys clothes, and i think i just read kind of butch rather than “boy”.

37. Do you feel more masculine, feminine, or neither?i lean masc on the basis of i’d rather err on that end of the spectrum. it’s like a balance between how i’m seen and how i feel, and the “girl” end already has a whole bunch of stuff, so i’m balancing it out by being more “boy”

38. What is your sexual and romantic orientation, and what are your thoughts on it?in big words it’s grayromantic acespike. it’s connected to my gender in the sense that it’s probably also a result of being autistic. i’ve only really been attracted to one person (my current bf), and i guess the only comment i’ll make is sometimes there’s an implication that i’m not gay enough, not because of being a-spec but bc the only person i’ve demonstrated attraction towards is the opposite binary gender from my agab. so. that’s a thing.

39. Is your ideal partner also trans, or do you not have a preference?i really don’t care. [d tag] isn’t, and he’s wonderful, so i don’t think it matters to me.

40. How did/do you manage waiting to transition?i just kind of distract myself. there’s only really one thing i want to do, and i’ve been living with dysphoria for long enough that i can kinda just wait it out until it happens.

41. What is the place (blog, website, forum, IRL space) you get most of your info on being trans or on trans related things?tumblr

42. Do you interact with other trans people IRL?i have a bunch of trans friends (not so much in my immediate friend group) but yeah

43. Are you involved in any trans-related activism?no

44. Free space! Answer any question you want, or make up your own question to answer.i don’t have the spoons to come up with a question rn but this was fun