#I woke up at like 1:30 this morning and said to myself “trump is dead”

[beautifulscreaminglady]

It's always darkest before the dawn.

[bobbystompy]

91 Quotes I Enjoyed From 2020

Below are my favorite quotes from 2020. Though most occurred throughout the year, some took place before but were encountered during.

1) “You don’t have to be new to make new.” - Rick Rubin

2) “He put the beat on and go to sleep then wake up with a verse.” - The Lox

3) “Every opinion is bad.” - Blink-155

4)

(via Twitter)

5) “At the start of every disaster movie, there’s a scientist being ignored.”

6) “Be brave enough to suck at something new.”

7) “Comedy is the only job you can have where you can use everything you know” - Robin Williams via Dave Chappelle

8) “What’s the worst swear word where you live?” - Josiah Hughes

9) “Cookies are a really great way to get everybody to like you for a short period of time” - YSAC

10) “The worst dancer at a wedding is the one who’s not dancing.” - John Mulaney

11) “I never saw the end of the tunnel. I only saw myself running out of one." - Kobe Bryant

12) "A good movie begins as you're walking out of the theater" - Ethan Hawke

13) “When I was young and starting in cinema, there was a saying that I carved deep into my heart which is, 'The most personal is the most creative.’ That quote was from our great Martin Scorsese.” - Bong Joon-ho

14) “Run to the rescue with love, and peace will follow” - River Phoenix via Joaquin Phoenix

15) “Thank you -- I will drink until next morning.” - Bong Joon-ho

16) “Men will bury their emotions for decades and then take it all out on children tubing while they drive the boat.” - @krauter_

17) “They help you with the dumb face stuff, but they don’t tell you how to fix it” - Adam (Nate’s friend), on having older sisters

18) “We all had our connections, but it’s not the details themselves that matter, it’s the feeling behind them. There are a million coming-of-age tales. Lady Bird’s secret sauce is how deeply its creator gave a shit. The older I get, the less I care about anything but the sense of a filmmaker’s personal connection to the material. It doesn’t matter what it’s about, what genre it is, or whether it’s genre at all. I only really care that it feels like something the filmmaker had to tell me, and that it was that filmmaker in particular who had to tell it. It has to answer the ‘why are you telling me this’ question, and not just why are you telling me, but why are you telling me.

Lady Bird is a movie that feels like only Greta Gerwig could’ve made. And it’s only because it’s so specific to her that it can be so meaningful to so many people.” - Vince Mancini

19) "I have cast some lonely votes, fought some lonely fights, mounted some lonely campaigns. But I do not feel lonely now.” - Bernie Sanders

20) “Ever hear a Beatles song you haven’t heard before?”

21) “Drinking is an emotional thing. It joggles you out of the standardism of everyday life, out of everything being the same. It yanks you out of your body and your mind and throws you against the wall. I have the feeling that drinking is a form of suicide where you're allowed to return to life and begin all over the next day. It's like killing yourself, and then you're reborn. I guess I've lived about ten or fifteen thousand lives now.” - Charles Bukowski

22) “You shouldn’t have to hear a band to know if they’re good or not” - Josiah Hughes

23) “I was raised by OGs.  Some of you were raised by IG.  I understand.” - Ice-T

* * *

[Here is where I note the line of demarcation that was the COVID-19 pandemic hitting the US, pushed forward by Tom Hanks’ announcement, the NBA and NCAA shutting down, and, then, the nation itself.]

* * *

24) “There are decades where nothing happens, and there are weeks where decades happen.” - Vladimir Lenin

25) "Taken together, this is a massive failure in leadership that stems from a massive defect in character. Trump is such a habitual liar that he is incapable of being honest, even when being honest would serve his interests. He is so impulsive, shortsighted, and undisciplined that he is unable to plan or even think beyond the moment. He is such a divisive and polarizing figure that he long ago lost the ability to unite the nation under any circumstances and for any cause. And he is so narcissistic and unreflective that he is completely incapable of learning from his mistakes. The president’s disordered personality makes him as ill-equipped to deal with a crisis as any president has ever been. With few exceptions, what Trump has said is not just useless; it is downright injurious." - Peter Wehner

26) "Epidemics have a way of revealing underlying truths about the societies they impact." - Anne Applebaum

27) “A funny thing about quarantining is hearing your partner in full work mode for the first time. Like, I’m married to a ‘let’s circle back’ guy — who knew?” - Laura Norkin

28) 

(Jojo Rabbit)

29) “The world ends when you're dead. Until then, you got more punishment in store. - Deadwood: The Movie

30) “All bleeding stops eventually.” - Deadwood: The Movie

31) “Our Father, which art in heaven… / Let him fucking stay there” - Deadwood: The Movie

32) “It’s like a power outage, but we still have power” - Ryen Russillo, on the pandemic

33) “Whenever Sox baseball returns, it’ll be weird to not have Farmer on the call any more. The relationship between a fan and longtime announcer is always built in the little moments. One afternoon, he’s the soundtrack as you clean the garage. On another night, he’s your bookmark for the game as you stand in line for churros or walk down the ramps at Sox Park to try for better seats in the 100 level. A voice like Farmer’s becomes so familiar that you only really notice when it’s no longer there.” - Kevin Kaduk, on the passing of Ed Farmer

34) 

(via Twitter)

35) “In my songs, I try to look through someone else’s eyes, and I want to give the audience a feeling more than a message” - John Prine

36) “Observe everything. Admire nothing.” - Generation Kill

37) “Trump, by that definition, has always been a wartime president -- always willing to sacrifice people he doesn’t know to things he only sort of cares about” - David Roth

38) "Whenever they speak Michael Jordan, they should speak Scottie Pippen." - Michael Jordan

39) "Fiction is a bridge to the truth that journalism can't reach." - Hunter S. Thompson

40) “Airlines sending me “we’re in this together” emails. When my suitcase was 52 pounds I was on my own.” - Mike Dentale

41) “Sometimes you can be the worst source of your own story” - Ryen Russillo

42) “Family is not necessarily blood, but instead who you would bleed for.”

43)

(via Twitter)

44) "This is the deal that Jordan made, knowingly or unknowingly — that he would trade everything he had for everything he wanted. And then, when he won all those things, he found that he had nothing but that.” - David Roth

45) “I’m brand loyal, but the brand doesn’t matter” - Caitie Miller, on why she doesn’t like generic peanut butter

46) “NOBODY shitposts Gene Hackman!!” - Mark Dehlinger

47) “When a man concludes that any stick is good enough to beat his foe with—that is when he picks up a boomerang.” - G.K. Chesterton

48) “You can be appalled forever, but shocked only once.” - Jeff Weiss, on early Eminem

49) “Whether I’m pessimistic or optimistic, the fight’s the same” - David Simon

50) “Freedom can never be completely won, but it can be lost.” - Bernard Simon

51) “Racism in America is like dust in the air. It seems invisible — even if you’re choking on it — until you let the sun in. Then you see it’s everywhere. As long as we keep shining that light, we have a chance of cleaning it wherever it lands.” -Kareem Abdul Jabbar

52) “In a racist society, it is not enough to be non-racist -- we must be anti-racist.” - Angela Davis

53) “Start as close to the end as possible” - Kurt Vonnegut, on creative writing

54) “You can’t stay woke all the time — that’s insomnia.” - Dr. Cornel West

55) “No, I get it. I’ve dated a lot of Geminis.”

56) “The joy of life comes from our encounters with new experiences, and hence there is no greater joy than to have an endlessly changing horizon, for each day to have a new and different sun.” - John Krakauer, Into The Wild (via Tyler Keller)

57) "I couldn't show them my For You because it's pretty much just lesbian stuff and depression memes" - Maggie Loesch, on showing TikTok to her coworkers

58) "It's 1 a.m. in Slovakia and I've already had one bottle of wine and I don't know how long this press conference will go, so good luck to me." - Marian Hossa, following his NHL Hall of Fame announcement

59) “All I want in life is to go on an Anguilla group trip” - Mandy Gilkes

60) “You miss old friends when you don’t see them, but you miss them more when you do.” - Chuck Klosterman

61) “The only way to appreciate the present is to pretend it’s already the past.” - Chuck Klosterman

62) Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth, oh, never mind You will not understand the power and beauty of your youth Until they've faded, but trust me, in 20 years, you'll look back At photos of yourself and recall in a way you can't grasp now How much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked

(”Everybody's Free [To Wear Sunscreen]”)

Second time that essay’s been quoted on this list.

64) "I mean, it's just human nature to suck up to the people above you, crap on those beneath you, and undercut your equals” - Brian, Family Guy

65) “You never quit a job. You quit a manager.” - Brian Bedford

66) “All the pictures in my house are of people I’m not friends with” - Tracy Cunningham

67) “In order to leave something behind, you have to leave.” - Dr. Herman, Grey’s Anatomy

68) 

(via Twitter)

69) “You can obsess about death if you don’t have to obsess about dying.” - Brendan Kelly via “White Noise”

70) “If it’s right to do, it’s wrong to wait.” - Andy, doorman 

71)

72) “When I'm sometimes asked when will there be enough [women on the Supreme Court] and I say, 'When there are nine,' people are shocked. But there'd been nine men, and nobody's ever raised a question about that.” - Ruth Bader Ginsburg

73) "America is mostly people who’ve never left their state saying we have the best country in the world." - Billy Wayne Davis

74) “A writer is someone who knows at least 80% of their writing sucks.” - Gabe Hudson

75) 

(via Twitter)

76) “You’re dead twice” - Brendan Kelly

77) “Perfect is the enemy of good” - Voltaire (via Zach Lowe)

78) “I don’t want to be a savior, I want to be a mirror.” - Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez

79) “I get bad Twitter FOMO but not real life FOMO. That just goes to show I need to get off the Internet.” - Josh Thomas

80) “Is there anything you love in life that you engage with seriously that you don't also engage with humor?" - Sam Sutherland, on his relationship with Blink-182

81) “My favorite genre of music is my friends' bands" - Josiah Hughes

82) “Let’s fall in love like both our parents aren’t divorced.”

83) “Seabiscuit may be the only earthling that was on both sides of the stamp.” - Brendan Kelly

84) “There’s no shame in coming in second, except in, like, wars.” - Family Guy

85) “I feel like I experience writer’s block 100% of the time, and when I do write, I have impostor syndrome.” - Phoebe Bridgers

86) “We teach based on what we most need to learn.” - psychologist on Grey’s Anatomy

87) “Having too many choices is the leading cause of stress” - Grey’s Anatomy

88) “I think we've all gravely underestimated the extent to which this year has changed all of us, permanently” - Kelli Maria Korducki

89) 

(via Twitter)

90) “I wonder if people understand why they don’t have polio” - Sandra E. Garcia

91) “Ending songs is terrible, so let’s keep singing” - Dave Hernandez

[illumelilac]

sis we need a full story on the messing around

Okay, you guys asked for it. 🤣 (Also it’s 4 in the morning so I’m sorry if there are any typos...)So, it all started like last week when I was going to see Charlie Puth with @infiniteshawn...I had matched with this guy on tinder (BM) last fall and thought he was really nice. We exchanged snapchats and talked for a month or so, but we were both really busy with school so nothing ever came of it. Anyways, roll around to last week, Sarah and I were at Ripley’s Aquarium in Toronto, and I kept posting quality puns on my snap story. After a few, he ended up commenting and said something along the lines of me still having an amazing sense of humour and “oh my cod” actually made him laugh. So we started talking again, and GUYS he totally entertains all my fucking antics like it’s so crazy. Like we had a talk the other day about whether or not Donald Trump looks like a soggy Cheeto in a bad toupee or a burnt orange pecan that’s starting to grow mouldy. I’m not saying he’s perfect... but like... c’mon now...At first I wasn’t really into it, because of my whole roommate situation but the more I talk to him, the more I start to like him and it’s getting really bad lol. Anyways, he’s from the states, just across the border. And we had been talking about meeting up, on and off. So while I was stuck on the train in Toronto for an hour on Monday, I was texting him the whole time. It was really cute just some casual flirting, me messing with him a little bit, and him messing with me right back, by making me BLUSH ON THE FUCKING GO TRAIN. He’s a handful, I’ll tell you that much (pun intended).So I’m stuck on this train, trying desperately to get to the Kesha concert, when I just randomly decide that I want to meet him, like right then and there. So I make plans to meet up with him the next day. While all of this is going on, there is a MASSIVE storm happening in Toronto (that’s why the train was stuck) and I was very late to the Kesha concert. At the beginning of the train ride I was at about 75% battery life, but by the end I had about 15% for an ENTIRE concert that I had every intention to film. Lucas (my best friend) and I ended up making it off the train and ordering an Uber to get to the concert. I said goodnight to him (BM) at this point because my phone was basically dead. And he asked me to text him when I got home (to my parent’s house) to make sure I was safe. I agreed and carried on with the rest of my night. I got home probably around 1:30-2:00 in the morning and I was DIRT tired. But I remembered he wanted me to text him, so I got into bed, and told him I was home safe (at my parent’s house). But then he wanted to hear about the concert and I was like “okay sure thing” so he called me. It was really nice, at first it was all about the concert, but then it got more personal and then we were having full on phone sex... Weooooo (He was actually so good though, we could literally write erotica together and it would be fantastic OH MY GOD... BUT... before you ask... I’m not going to ask him to do that 🤣)WE TALKED ON THE PHONE TILL 5:30 IN THE MORNING! That’s when I decided to let him go because I had to be up in just over an hour to head back to my house. I woke up an hour later and got my shit together and left for home. I then spent the rest of that day cleaning the house my wonderful roommates trashed, doing laundry, cleaning my room and I napped somewhere in there too. Then it was like 3pm and he texted asking when I wanted him over. I told him he could come whenever, and could sleepover if he wanted. But he said he needed to be home at some point because a couple of his roommates were in a fight and he was holding an intervention or whatever. So I get ready. Do some light makeup and curl my hair, trying to look like I at least tried. I wore my leggings that make my butt look nice and my Kesha merch from the concert because it’s cute as fuck. He shows up around 5pm and I take him up to my room. We pass ALL OF MY ROOMMATES (they didn’t really see him though) and I close the door and we talk for a bit. I pull up Netflix to decide a movie and he spends like 15 minutes totally fascinated with Canadian Netflix. I let him pick a horror movie, because I wanted an excuse to cuddle and we did so... that worked...We cuddled for a bit. He chose “lights out” which got REALLY intense REALLY quickly. I tuned it out like ten minutes because YIKES...So then he starts drawing patterns on my stomach with his hands. His fingertips lightly grazing the bottom of my shirt and then letting it fall back into place. And let me tell you THIS MAN IS HOT AS FUCK so I was already struggling to keep my hormones in check and him touching me like that was just REALLY not helping. He kept slightly brushing the skin of my stomach and was giggling at the fact I kept getting goosebumps. Then he started rubbing my thighs, and I was just closing my eyes enjoying the attention. THAT’S WHEN HE STARTED KISSING MY NECK...This is when things started really beating up and we start making-out. Just casual. I take his shirt off. He takes mine off. He starts leaving hickies everywhere and I’m like...!!! WOAH WOAH WOAH !!!He’s a huge tease and probably spent about 45 minutes just on foreplay alone. I’m telling you guys, I wanted to marry that man several times during that 45 minutes.Clothes kept coming off and then we were naked... WeeooooooooI’m not really that good about sharing this kind of stuff when it’s about myself so I’ll just say this:I have a lot of hickies on my neck, thighs, breasts and stomach right now. We went through 3 condoms in the time he was over...He cuddles like a champ. I tried riding him twice. And learned I’m very out of practice lol. I promised I’d make him pancakes next time he came to visit. It’s three days later and my legs are still sore (in a good way?)He’s a great kisser.He talked about tying me up someday (weoooo)He talked about me not going out and looking for a boyfriend anytime soon 🤣 (he just made it very clear that he’s interested which I found very cute)GUYS HE’S LIKE SO FUCKING HOT... HIS ABS FUCKING KILL ME. I’m so- ifnwjycjsndhcne He tried to make me scream several times.(After I told him I didn’t care how loud we were because my roommates were being obnoxious anyways...)And in the end, when he was leaving, my roommates were OBSESSED with trying to see how hot he was and they were REALLY obnoxious about it. I think the roommate I was pining after has finally learned that I’m not gonna wait forever, and that he’s not irreplaceable (Beyoncé you’re a fucking Queen, thanks).I’m in such a good place right now guys. Thanks for caring so much! I love you! ❤️

[floridkore]

1-65

1. Do you ever doubt the existence of others than you?

yes 

2. On a scale of 1-5, how afraid of the dark are you?

answered :)

3. The person you would never want to meet?

hm. i dont really know. 

4. What is your favorite word?

blep

5. If you were a type of tree, what would you be?

can i be an orange tree because i like oranges 

6. When you looked in the mirror this morning what was the first thing you thought?

god you look pale and sick as shiitttttt (i woke up feeling extremely sick)

7. What shirt are you wearing?

this flowery pink white and black shirt 

8. What do you label yourself as?

and idiot 

9. Bright room or dark room?

bright room 

10. What were you doing at midnight last night?

actually sleeping for once.

11. Favorite age you’ve been so far?

19

12. Who told you they loved you last?

blakeeee

13. Your worst enemy?

myself (ay saz got deep there didnt ya mate)

14. What is your current desktop picture?

its a default windows one cuz im lazy 

15. Do you like someone?

yes

16. The last song you listened to?

uhhh paradise by the dashboard light - meatloaf 

17. You can press a button that will make any one person explode. Who would you blow up? 

omg donald trump 

18. Who would you really like to just punch in the face?

i can’t tell people know this person 

19. If anyone could be your slave for a day, who would it be and what would they have to do?

i would be the slave, ill have to do all the chores that ive been procrastinating 

20. What is your best physical attribute? (showing said attribute is optional)

hm i dont know

21. If you were the opposite sex for one day, what would you look like and what would you do?

id look like my brother. when we were younger we were always stopped andn asked if we were twins (which isnt true) and i wouldnt do anything. probably nothing tbh i mean id freak out but what can i do 

22. Do you have a secret talent? If yes, what is it?

i do not have a secret talent 

23. What is one unique thing you’re afraid of?

i have no idea 

24. You can only have one kind of sandwich. Every sandwich ingredient known to humankind is at your disposal.

its gotta have turkey ham turkey breast and turkey bacon and a whole lotta salad like lettuce olives peppers - you know what just get me a subway melt from subway, love. cheers 

25. You just found $100! How are you going to spend it? 

most likely food tbh

26. You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere in the world, but you have to leave immediately. Where are you going to go? 

ITALYYY

27. An angel appears out of Heaven and offers you a lifetime supply of the alcoholic beverage of your choice. “Be brand-specific” it says. Man! What are you gonna say about that? Even if you don’t drink booze there’s something you can figure out… so what’s it gonna be?

nothing. i dont drink. that aint an angel that’s shaytaan

28. You discover a beautiful island upon which you may build your own society. You make the rules. What is the first rule you put into place?

oh. the first rule i would place in is that no one is allowed to harm the environment like cut down trees and shit without acknowledging people because what if they completely destroy the island??? whats gonna happen to our resources. nah you’re not allowed to do shit without approval my dude

29. What is your favorite expletive?

unsure 

30. Your house is on fire, holy shit! You have just enough time to run in there and grab ONE inanimate object. Don’t worry, your loved ones and pets have already made it out safely. So what’s the one thing you’re going to save from that blazing inferno?

phone

31. You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be?

MY WHOLE LIFE IS A HORRIBLE EXPERIENCE, LOVE

32. You got kicked out of the country for being a time-traveling heathen who sleeps with celebrities and has super-powers. But check out this cool shit… you can move to anywhere else in the world!

to italy i go 

33. The Celestial Gates Of Beyond have opened, much to your surprise because you didn’t think such a thing existed. Death appears. As it turns out, Death is actually a pretty cool entity, and happens to be in a fantastic mood. Death offers to return the friend/family-member/person/etc. of your choice to the living world. Who will you bring back?

man. i dunno anyone personally whos dead. unsure 

34. What was your last dream about?

being in an apartment with blake in italy

35. Are you a good….[insert anything you’d like here]? 

no. good at what you may ask. i am good at nothing 

36. Have you ever been admitted to the hospital? 

nope

37. Have you ever built a snowman? 

yes 

38. What is the color of your socks? 

im not wearing any right now 

39. What type of music do you like?

it varies 

40. Do you prefer sunrises or sunsets?

both pls dont make me choose

41. What is your favorite milkshake flavor?

chocolate

42. What football team do you support? (I will answer in terms of American football as well as soccer)

none 

43. Do you have any scars?

yes 

44. What do you want to be when you graduate?

who fucking knows at this point 

45. If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?

everything 

46. Are you reliable?

i try to be 

47. If you could ask your future self one question, what would it be?

do you get a happy ending 

48. Do you hold grudges? 

dependss on the person. my friend? ill forget what i was even mad about in like 5 minutes. someone i dislike? ill hold a grudge for a lifetime 

49. If you could breed two animals together to defy the laws of nature, what new animal would you create? 

nope. 

50. What is the most unusual conversation you’ve ever had?

ummm i dont know but it was probably because of me 

51. Are you a good liar?

ish ? dependss 

52. How long could you go without talking?

not very long 

53. What has been you worst haircut/style? 

short bob

54. Have you ever baked your own cake? 

yes 

55. Can you do any accents other than your own?

i fail at accents but im writing this in a welsh accent you know my love (dont ask me. ive been doing it the whoooollleeee thing) 

56. What do you like on your toast? 

butter and marmite 

57. What is the last thing you drew a picture of?

samirah al abbas

58. What would be you dream car? 

damn anything big 

59. Do you sing in the shower? Or do anything unusual in the shower? Explain. 

i sing 

60. Do you believe in aliens? 

i guess

61. Do you often read your horoscope? 

not often only when i see it 

62. What is your favorite letter of the alphabet?

hmm u because you is mighty fine 

63. Which is cooler: dinosaurs or dragons?

dragons 

64. What do you think about babies? 

i love babies 

[bipolarinboston]

That’s so Bipolar

TW: hospitalization, medication, psychosis

The fourth time I was admitted to the hospital I was very lucky for two reasons. I could watch the Red Line from my window, and if I stretched I could see the Citgo sign in Kenmore Square in the distance.

And I was diagnosed with Bipolar.

For over a decade I had Depression after being diagnosed at 17. For the last half of my Junior year I suppressed my feelings and thought often about jumping out of a window or into the path of a train. I spiraled so quickly I spent school vacation in the hospital. We got my meds in line and I graduated on time.

I thought I knew my depression. It felt like the take my meds, go to therapy and be alright kind of Depression. It was just a nuisance but it behaved, because I stayed in line. Then 2016 came. My Crohn’s flared that summer and they put me on prednisone.

My flare was stubborn and came back as soon as I weaned off the prednisone. I haven’t flared often so I hadn’t taken a lot of steroids. And it wasn’t a very high dose. But those side effects — especially the mental ones like mood swings and insomnia — that everyone dreads caught up with me as 2016 turned into 2017. In January I ended up in the hospital because insomnia had triggered a psychotic break.

The first time it happened was the scariest. We didn’t know what was going on and could only grasp at straws for a reason. As it happened again and again it was frustrating, unpredictable and unnerving. When I was discharged my diagnosis read Major Depressive Disorder with Psychotic Features. Even the doctors didn’t know what was going on.

Every time it happens insomnia leads it. Then the disordered thinking and word salad set in. I can feel my mind race, ping-ponging from topic to topic before I can finish saying whatever mush came out of my mind. My heart races, pushing triple digits yet I’m standing still. My body drags, wading through molasses with effort. The more I retreat into my head the more out of it I am. I can’t break free, and I know enough to panic, even as I get tunnel vision.

I still remember most of my delusions. January 2017 I saw Trump on the newspaper and knew it was fake, because it was four years later and Clinton was starting her second term. I was born four years earlier, yet my ID had an error. The second time was in September 2017 when I was convinced my apartment was bugged and an online company was coming to take me out. By my third time in June 2018 I had found a job but was convinced I would be fired for some minor mistake. And finally in November 2018 I thought North Korea had bombed us and everyone was dead.

Four times in two years, with little progress. Until I woke up on the unit and asked during rounds for a sleep study. But instead the attending, surrounded by all the residents and students on my team, said I was Bipolar.

I was not expecting that.

At rounds you don’t have a lot of time with your team. There’s too many patients and not enough time. As I sat trying to absorb this out of left field diagnosis I was asked if I wanted to start lithium. Despite having Depression and being on various meds for that, no one had ever suggested Bipolar. At that moment I couldn’t think of an alternative so I said yes.

I am not a typical Bipolar 1 person. I’ve never been manic in the traditional euphoric sense that’s depicted in media. I’m not a fun crazy person. When insomnia settles in, and I can do nothing to reverse it, I’m dysphoric instead. The doctors use my triple digit heart rate in the ER as evidence of my manic state.

When they introduced lithium they would split the dose. I’d get one capsule at morning meds and then I’d get another capsule with an increased dose at night. There were lots of blood draws. Lithium is one of the oldest drugs used in psychiatry. But it’s a high maintenance treatment. There’s a risk of kidney damage and hypothyroidism. Every time I have a psychiatrist appointment I stop by the vampires. I’m lucky that I’m used to blood draws after dealing with Crohn’s for 20 years.

The doctor who finally diagnosed me was not my psychiatrist. Certain doctors work inpatient and others work outpatient. My therapist who has known me through all these hospitalizations doesn’t fully believe I’m bipolar. It could be that I have an indeterminate mental illness that just happens to respond to the mood stabilizers most commonly used for bipolar. I had already been on lamictal since the first admission in 2017. We also added some nighttime seroquel that helps me stay asleep.

If there was anything worse than spending time on the psychiatric unit, it’s spending your birthday in the hospital. I was admitted right before my 30th birthday, and because we were adding a brand new medication I stayed long enough for food services to send up a 6 inch sugar frosted cake. I had been on this floor before, just over a year ago for my second admission. That helped in learning the rhythm and routine of the floor. It wasn’t entirely bad as we were allowed cellphones, as long as we left the charger with the nurse. And we had daily menus to order meals so I felt more in control of what I ate.

Getting diagnosed with Crohn’s at 11 altered my view on life. It was a lot to have to handle a chronic illness before I hit puberty. By the time I was in high school I’d gotten over the self-stigma and thought myself as resilient. I had a great college essay topic. Fast forward to 2017 when having such a sustained and uncontrolled mental health flare was frightening and isolating. The rediagnosis at 30 stopped the recurrent hospitalizations but it came with more stigma. If I struggled to talk with my friends about my relatively mild Depression, how could I even mention my Bipolar?

I feel boxed in at times. During the decade plus that I lived with Depression I’d felt the stigma diminish. Now I’m back at square one. That’s why I’m writing here; I’m too scared to write anywhere else.

When November 2019 rolled around I wanted to celebrate a year being out of the hospital. It was the longest I’d gone so far between admissions. I’d been following Ace on twitter and commissioned them to paint my brain as I described how Bipolar nearly overwhelmed me. I wanted to show the “normal” brain side by side because even when I’m flaring the two states exist together.

In a sense I’m lucky that I was diagnosed with Crohn’s 20 years ago. Bipolar and Crohn’s are equally chronic and can flare at unpredictable times. But for both there are coping skills like keeping a regular bedtime or lifestyle adjustments like avoiding nuts, seeds and corn. My lithium is as vital as my Humira, just a lot cheaper. Without navigating Crohn’s since I was 11, I’d be more adrift with the Bipolar diagnosis. This is the third time I’ve been dealt something that has a lot of stigma attached to it. But now at least I feel like it’s not insurmountable. 

[bioniiic]

all of the asks

1: Full nameidk man. not too fond w putting my full name on the tumbsz but wassup im sam2: Age163: 3 Fearsflyingthe darkmen4: 3 things I lovemy gfmy friendsmy DOG5: 4 turns on good smellgood,,asshumorgirl6: 4 turns offBAD SMELLTHATS IT ALSO MEN7: My best friendhek sarah and josefine. also lys8: Sexual orientationpansexual ???? idk mostly i just like girls 9: My best first datedo nothing. eat and watch shows and nap10: How tall am I6'4 i know11: What do I misshek :/(12: What time were I born12:15 am I was almost a march 9th kiddo13: Favourite coloryello 14: Do I have a crushyes my gf my love 15: Favourite quotedie16: Favourite placecopenhagen and paris. both very different cities and equally important 2 me17: Favourite foodTARTLET 18: Do I use sarcasmall. the time 19: What am I listening to right nowthis old dog by mac demarco ok20: First thing I notice in new personidk if theyre funny i think21: Shoe size 7 !!! small22: Eye colorone is green n one is brown 23: Hair colorcurrently very black 24: Favourite style of clothingblack jeans and some sort of fuckin hoodie im boring 25: Ever done a prank call?i used to do them all the time w my friends in the choir HDKVNSMCN yes i was in a choir but only for the cake 27: Meaning behind my URLidk its a placebo song fskkcsjskdks28: Favourite moviemr nobody leave me alone 29: Favourite songSCSRED OF GIRLS BY PLACEBO FUCK ME30: Favourite bandPLACEBOSJDKSKKD31: How I feel right nowim tired and i want lys to wake up 32: Someone I lovelys my beeeeb33: My current relationship statusim dating my BEAUTIFUL angel gf 34: My relationship with my parentshmmmm. below average 35: Favourite holidayCHRISTMAS 36: Tattoos and piercing i havenoone 37: Tattoos and piercing i wanti want a septum piercing and all the tattoos38: The reason I joined Tumblri had a crush on a girl and i was obsessed with her and she had tumblr so i got tumblr and only reblogged things she liked and she never noticed me JDKSJDJSK39: Do I and my last ex hate each other?NO we just don't talk 40: Do I ever get “good morning” or “good night ” texts?lys41: Have I ever kissed the last person you texted?its lys i wish i had :-(42: When did I last hold hands?it was with josefines girlfriend while she was tweezing her eyebrows and she needed to hold my hand for support 43: How long does it take me to get ready in the morning?like. 5 seconds 44: Have You shaved your legs in the past three days?HAHAHA NO45: Where am I right now?in my bed 46: If I were drunk & can’t stand, who’s taking care of me?idk i dont drink that much but probably josefine47: Do I like my music loud or at a reasonable level?reasonable in like. headphones but anywhere else it's LOUD48: Do I live with my Mom and Dad?no. well like. every 2 weeks i shift between them #divorce am i right ladiez 49: Am I excited for anything?summer 50: Do I have someone of the opposite sex I can tell everything to?my DOG 51: How often do I wear a fake smile?a lot ha ha ha 52: When was the last time I hugged someone?my adult friend yesterday JSJSJK53: What if the last person I kissed was kissing someone else right in front of me?the last person i kissed was my friend ,,,and she has a gf so id probably say can yall like do that somewhere else JDJAHSH54: Is there anyone I trust even though I should not?no i only trust a few very good people 55: What is something I disliked about today?i just woke up. also that56: If I could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be?lys :-(57: What do I think about most?lys LoL 58: What’s my strangest talent?idk ???? 59: Do I have any strange phobias?PUKE60: Do I prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it?behind 61: What was the last lie I told?"im gonna wake up soon" lol62: Do I perfer talking on the phone or video chatting online?video 63: Do I believe in ghosts? How about aliens?both are real and valid 64: Do I believe in magic?no hoe65: Do I believe in luck?no. hoe66: What’s the weather like right now?grey67: What was the last book I’ve read?sushi for beginners haha68: Do I like the smell of gasoline?nnO69: Do I have any nicknames?sammy but only lys gets to call me that also hek calls me sami I do not know why 70: What was the worst injury I’ve ever had?i broke my tailbone once that was pretty bad71: Do I spend money or save it?SAVE IT IM SO BAD AT SOENDING MONEY72: Can I touch my nose with a tounge?noooooo ma'am 73: Is there anything pink in 10 feets from me?a marker 74: Favourite animal?dogggggggGGGGG75: What was I doing last night at 12 AM?talking to lys but then she disappeared for 3 hours and im mad76: What do I think is Satan’s last name is?roberts77: What’s a song that always makes me happy when I hear it?you had me at hello GAYYSYYAYSY78: How can you win my heart?be lys. also food 79: What would I want to be written on my tombstone?gay 80: What is my favorite word?gay81: My top 5 blogs on tumblrgay82: If the whole world were listening to me right now, what would I say?gay83: Do I have any relatives in jail?i dont think so ???84: I accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow me with the super-power of my choice! What is that power?FLYING. TELEPORTING 85: What would be a question I’d be afraid to tell the truth on?idk mannn86: What is my current desktop picture?the default one cause im lazy and its a school computer 87: Had sex?NOO 88: Bought condoms?no 89: Gotten pregnant?no90: Failed a class?noooOoo maam 91: Kissed a boy?nooooOOOO MAAM 92: Kissed a girl?yes,93: Have I ever kissed somebody in the rain?no94: Had job?nonoooo MAAM 95: Left the house without my wallet?yes96: Bullied someone on the internet?HAHHAHAA97: Had sex in public?no98: Played on a sports team?yes but like. not really 99: Smoked weed?NOO MAAM 100: Did drugs?no101: Smoked cigarettes?noooo102: Drank alcohol?yes 103: Am I a vegetarian/vegan?fuck NO104: Been overweight?yes105: Been underweight?no 106: Been to a wedding?yes 107: Been on the computer for 5 hours straight?LOL108: Watched TV for 5 hours straight?LOL109: Been outside my home country?yes 110: Gotten my heart broken?yes oopsie111: Been to a professional sports game?yes but at half time me and my dad left and got mcdonalds and then we went home112: Broken a bone? yes 113: Cut myself?no more 114: Been to prom?no im foreign 115: Been in airplane?yes116: Fly by helicopter?i haven't but i NEVER WILL. NEVER 117: What concerts have I been to?one direction, the 1975, gerard way, the front bottoms and twenty one pilots 118: Had a crush on someone of the same sex?yes. exclusively 119: Learned another language?yes120: Wore make up?yes no h0mo bro121: Lost my virginity before I was 18?no122: Had oral sex?nnnno123: Dyed my hair?yes its dead now 124: Voted in a presidential election?noooo maam im still foreign 125: Rode in an ambulance?no126: Had a surgery?im so boring ive never tried anything 127: Met someone famous?no i was rlly close to meeting bry after twenty one pilots once but NAH128: Stalked someone on a social network?always129: Peed outside?mo 130: Been fishing?fuck no 131: Helped with charity?yes132: Been rejected by a crush?well. kinda133: Broken a mirror?no134: What do I want for birthday?idk i just had my birthday man 135: How many kids do I want and what will be their names?IF. I HAD A KID. IF. it would be a girl and her name would be leah 136: Was I named after anyone?no137: Do I like my handwriting?fuck no its so bad138: What was my favourite toy as a child?probably that doll that pisses by itself. u know what im talking about 139: Favourite Tv Show?idk oh fuck probably new girl 140: Where do I want to live when older?copenhagen or the us for a bit 141: Play any musical instrument?guitar ukulele and bass cause im basic142: One of my scars, how did I get it?my dog scratches me a lot 143: Favourite pizza toping?ham. cheese144: Am I afraid of the dark?y e s 145: Am I afraid of heights?Y E S146: Have I ever got caught sneaking out or doing anything bad?yes but i wasn't sneaking out really,,147: Have I ever tried my hardest and then gotten disappointed in the end?every day hoe !148: What I’m really bad atlife 149: What my greatest achievments arefuck idk150: The meanest thing somebody has ever said to methat i was a trump supporter. u know who u are 151: What I’d do if I won in a lotterylive on a bigass farm and have all the animals 152: What do I like about myselfmy eyes ?? my cheekbones 153: My closest Tumblr friendnone i hate yall 154: Something I fantasise about😉😉😉😉😉😉

[trendingnewsb]

Artie Lange Is Not Ready to Die: F*ck Em All

Its hard being friends with the notoriously demon-plagued comedian Artie Langewhich, full disclosure, I am. This is in no way objective. I truly want the guy to live.

I first interviewed Lange in 2006 as part of the New York Posts coverage of the annual New York Comedy Festival. He had just sold out Carnegie Hall in a few hours and was on top of the world. Over the next few years, we met at comedy clubs from time to time. I mentioned how healthy he looked in a May 2009 Page Six item about his visiting Colin Quinns one-man show (which he mentioned in his book Crash and Burn). When I interviewed him again on Oct. 30, 2009, it was a longer talk this time, with a few insights that surprised me. He talked about the game comics play of initially sabotaging a set with the audience, then seeing if you can dig yourself out of that hole. I asked if he had ever thought that he might be playing the same game with his own life. You should be a shrink, he said.

Sixty-nine days later, I heard the news, like anyone else who follows Lange: that he was near death after stabbing himself in the stomach nine times with a 13-inch kitchen knife.

Then on Sept. 27, 2010, I got a call from comedian Dan Naturman, who told me all about Arties triumphant return at the Comedy Cellar, which led to an incredibly feel-good lead item in Page Six called: Artie Lange Thrills Audiences Again.

I interviewed him several more times over the years, and when my husband Pat Dixon, who is also a comedian, started his own show in 2015 at Compound Media, run by controversial radio legend Anthony Cumia, I told Artie that he ought to consider joining the network. To my surpriseand unrelated to me telling him that, as the pairing of two Sirius refugees is a no-brainer for anyone who follows shock-jock radioin August 2017, he started a new show with Cumia called The AA Show. Now, not only did Lange have a regular broadcasting outlet, but the HBO series Judd Apatow and Pete Holmes enlisted him in called Crashing, where he played himself, was a bona fide hit. His third book, Wanna Bet?, was inked, his standup was doing well, and so if you were doing any kind of predictive sequence, what happened next was no surprise.

Oct. 16, 2017: Artie Lange rushed to hospital, cancels weekend show. Dec. 13, 2017: Artie Lange Arrested After Missing Court Date for Drug Charges. Dec. 15, 2017: Artie Lange Headed to Rehab on Private Jet After Drug Charge.

Less than a month later, on Jan. 12, Lange returned home to New York and tweeted out to his 364,000 followers: Im back guys. Clean & Sober 32 days.

On Jan. 18, after celebrating Dave Attells birthday (Artie just turned 50 himself), Lange met me in between sets at New York Citys Olive Tree Cafe. To avoid the requests for photos from fans and occasional paparazzi, we sat in his SUV and drove around the city for an hour and a half before returning to the comedy club. With one hand on the steering wheel and one on an unlit Marlboro Red, Lange talked about everything from Harvey Weinstein to Donald Trump to Louis C.K. to Aziz Ansari to the fundamental question at hand:

Artie Lange doesnt want to die… right?

The following interview has been condensed and edited for clarity.

Mandy: So I guess Im wondering at what point all of this is enough to get you to stop. Like, for instance, I have a friend who if he did cocaine one more time, the doctors told him his nose would collapse

Artie: Well half of my nose is gone. My nose has no septum. I mean Ive been snorting coke and heroin

Mandy: When was the last time you did coke or heroin?

Artie: Well I just pissed clean at Hazelden so thats 38 days. But heres the thing: 31 of them were in lockdown. So nows the real work. And Im not going to lie to you, its a struggle lying there every night.

Mandy: Whats the longest youve ever been clean?

Artie: Since I was 15, 11 months. And two weeks in my twenties.

Mandy: Do you take, what is it, methadone?

Artie: No, no. I was on methadone years ago. There was a methadone clinic on Eighth and 35th, and I would go there before Howard. They would give it out to me, like special, at 5:30 a.m. I had to stop doing heroin because I was losing my job. They gave me the methadone. Its fucking heroin, basically. I left during interviews to throw up. And I said, Well this is worse than fucking heroin, so why dont I stay on that. I take Suboxone now. Suboxone works well for me, and its accepted by society. It looks like a pill you take for blood pressure every morning, so thats how Ive got to look at it. It lets you not go cold turkey.

Aziz Im sorry is a better name. I dont have any respect for Aziz Ansari. Im glad nobody got raped.

Artie Lange

Mandy: You detoxed cold turkey in jail this last time?

Artie: Ive been in jail like eight times, and this past time, I detoxed. I kicked heroin, like lying on the floor. When I got arraigned, you always want to be very respectful in front of the judge. She was like, What are you doing? And Im thinking to myself, Well, your honor, Im dead. And you know, Im trying to stand up. Withdrawal, the physical stuff, people would see the first or the second day of withdrawals, girlfriends would say, Well, that was really bad. And Im like, You saw the opening act. That was The Clash. That was David Johansen. The Who is about to take the stage. The third or fourth day of heroin withdrawal, if youre a big user like I became, if youre not physically stopped from getting dope, youll get it. With heroin, I became an addict on the road. I always had money. Ive never had to steal. I dont judge those people. Like people say to me, Have you ever blown a guy for heroin? I say, No. But then again, no ones ever asked.

Mandy: If you do fall off the wagon again, are you scared of fentanyl at all?

Artie: No. A real heroin addict is not scared of fentanyl. Id do it in a heartbeat. I want strong shit.

Mandy: Have you seen the tiny amount it takes to kill you?

Artie: I dont know what it is, but draw it back one inch. I would accept fentanyl in a heartbeat. I had a fentanyl patch on in a mental home. It was unbelievable. Ive never ODed. Ive had dealers say, Jesus Christ. What the fuck. But the nose is bad now. I could get a brain infection. If I did it, anything would go right to the brain. But again, I heard that six months ago, and I went and used an hour after.

Mandy: So I mean… you must want to die.

Artie: No, I dont want to die. I want to be high.

Mandy: But that will eventually kill you.

Artie: Im 50. If you would have told me in 1995, if you tried to bring up 2018, it would be like The Jetsons. Id be like, What are you talking about?

Mandy: So youre having fun on borrowed time.

Artie: Im playing with the houses money. As far as Im concerned, Im an overachiever. A lot of money changed hands on the internet when I turned 50. I was so happy. Fuck em all.

Mandy: But I mean… your mom and your sister. Theyre the main people who keep you from wanting to to be reckless with the houses money, right?

Artie: Yes thats the… thats the worst.

Mandy: I called your mom when you were practically in a coma these last few weeks, and her voice was just so heartbroken. I dont think she thought you were going to make it.

Artie: Yeah, you know, my father left us with nothing. I love my dad. He was my best friend. But my father was a criminal. My dad was an impulsive guy, and thats what killed him. Just like my father, with me, there are real high highs and real low lows. Like my mother saw me at Carnegie Hall, when my book went to No. 1 on The New York Times bestseller list, and I think [Barack] Obamas was like No. 7. She has that framed. But then shes also seen me withdrawing in jail.

Mandy: Your mom discovered you when you tried to kill yourself in 2010, right?

Artie: That was not a suicide attempt. I was in such bad withdrawals. Believe me, I leave a note. The one other time, I left a note. But shrinks go, Youve never tried to kill yourself. Because there was always a mountain of drugs involved. I was in such bad withdrawals, I wanted to feel something different. I was by myself. I wanted to lose enough blood to pass out. When I woke up, I dont know, I figured Id put on a red shirt and go out. I didnt know my mother was coming over. They had an intervention planned that I didnt even know about. I go, Ma, you never planned a surprise party.

Mandy: Does your mom talk to you every day?

Artie: Yeah, my mother knows me better than anybody, but I dont tell her when I slip. You know, when Dr. Drew offered me 250 grand to do Celebrity Rehab, I thought to myself, Do I just want to kill my mother now? Like its going to be me and Dennis Rodman throwing up in the same bucket. I love Dr. Drew, but I knew that show was going to go off the air because the recovery rate is like zero. If Pablo Escobar were alive today, hed be running a rehab. Its such a corrupt industry.

Mandy: You seem to still get offered drugs a lot. I think about that scene in Crashing where its the super hot woman from Showgirls who has coke and wants to do it with you.

Artie: Gina Gershon? Yeah, you know, that episode is based on one of my stories. And if the woman who inspired the episode figures it out, shed be very happy with the casting.

Mandy: Do you think it was a good idea to leave rehab early?

Artie: I have to do this intense outpatient thing which is five days a week. I go in there in the morning, and I get piss tests there. Screen Actors Guild doesnt let you do that to people. Like its almost an NFL union. You cant pee-test people. Not that Im complaining about it, but I dont get fired from shows because ultimately its a forgiving business for stuff like that. People always say its a forgiving business. And, its true. Robert Downey Jr. came back, and hes like the best actor ever. But for every one of him, theres like two thousand Jeff Conaways from Taxi living at a right angle and nobody cares and they die alone.

Mandy: Youre just working so much right now.

Artie: The one genre where I have some juice is the radio business, and you know Anthony Cumia, I love Anthony so much now. I never really met him before. Were both sort of outlaws. Without this podcasting technology you know we both would be out of a job now, probably. Its such a weird existence I have right now. Over on one side, Im doing this crazy podcast with Anthony on Compound Media that I love, and then Im on Crashing which is an HBO-produced show I love, but which could not be more the other way. Judd Apatow is another famous guy who saved my life. Like, what a great person. Ive got books and stand-up, and Im still making a lot of money doing it. If thats not going to go away, theres not much of an incentive to stay in rehab.

Mandy: And Im guessing, from what you said, you dont want to leave your mom with nothing. So what about a gig like the one with Anthony Cumia. Is that enabling or is that helping you stay clean?

Artie: Let me tell you something: I love doing it. Its almost like therapy. A lot of people dont understand a comics mind. People are like, Youre going to jump right into stand-up? Yeah, thats what I have to do. I cant stop doing it. And Anthonys show is like from 4 p.m. to 6 p.m. Its the most fun Ive ever had in my life. Even more fun than Howard. Because I was never uncensored on Howard. Its his show. Its Howard. So what was happening near the end when his life changed, he would meet somebody in the Hamptons, and we wouldnt know about it. Like me and Fred [Norris, the longest tenured Howard Stern staff member] wouldnt know about it. And then hed be friends with them, like somebody we bashed for 10 years. So Id say something about Richard Gere, and hed go, You got a problem with him? Id go, Havent we always had a problem with him? No, I had dinner with him. Well, can I get the memo? I dont give a shit. Ill put him on the fucking list. But I wouldnt not be able to make fun of Orlando Bloom. The show, I couldnt be on now. And he knew that.

Mandy: Anthony probably does a better Howard impression than Howard at this point.

Artie: Well the thing about Anthony is that hes the same guy off-air. But its not true for Howard. Howards a very fascinating guy. He must have an IQ north of 180. But the example I always use is that Hunter S. Thompson was a guy who destroyed like the wealthy and corporate America, and he walked the walk until the end of his life. He was a crazy maniac in Colorado and shot himself in the head. And Howard was like that for a while. He was making fun of all these people, and when he got a chancelike no one else has become an A-list person through the radiobut when he got a chance to be with those people, fans thought hes going to be like Hunter S. Thompson. Like you see them through the window eating, and hes going to bust through the window or moon them or something. And when he got the chance, like Jennifer Anistons wedding, he starts making out with Orlando Bloom.

Mandy: Metaphorically.

Artie: Right. And to me as a fan, its like, what the fuck have we been laughing at all this time? Me and my first girlfriend at the time Dana [Sironi], she was close with Beth [Ostrosky Stern]. And Beth is a sweetheart. I dont want to make it sound like Im bitter. I still love Howard.

Mandy: Who are the people from the Stern show you keep in touch with?

Artie: Well, theyre not allowed to call me. I swear to God, Ive had people tell me from the show they were worried they were talking to me. Look, Im a person whos impulsive, and I get very angry and I say things I shouldnt say. Its hurt me my whole life, and Im a junkie.

Mandy: You tweeted a few days ago, Look out Marci. Im talking to Howard without your permission, referring to his high-profile handler Marci Turk. Did you actually talk to Howard Stern?

Artie: No, I dont talk to Howard. We hate each others guts. He cant stand me for some reason, and Ive learned to hate him.

Mandy: Whats your reaction to Louis C.K.? And now everyones talking about the story that was written about Aziz Ansari.

Artie: Aziz Im sorry is a better name. I dont have any respect for Aziz Ansari. Im glad nobody got raped. But you know, I agree with Samantha Bee when she says it doesnt have to be rape to ruin somebodys life. Thats true. And what Louis did is despicable. That was a rumor for a long time. But if youre a couple of women at the Aspen Comedy Festival, youve got a lot going on, probably. And theres this comedian, who back then he wasnt famous, but hes always been respected, and they certainly knew him. And hes promising them shit supposedly, and its just because he wants to jerk off in front of them. Its just the creepiest thing ever. Louis was always overrated to me. He has like five jokes hes written that I like. But you know Ill go along with it, if it gets me spots. I just think hes overrated. To me, it was like the emperors new clothes came off. In the hotel room.

Mandy: Have you had any women approach you with any kind of Me Too moment, something they wanted to confront you about?

Artie: A girl? No. I mean, some people think Im a misogynist because of stuff on the Stern show. You know Ive never told anybody this, but this is how my family feels about sex predators: After I told my father about a high-school teacher hurting a girl I knew, the way my dad dealt with it was by waiting outside the teachers house, putting a bag over the guys head, and leaving him in a car for two days. My dad came back, disguised his voice, and he said, Stop fucking touching little girls. Im not condoning how he handled it, but thats just the truth. My father thought that was justified. You know, there are people who think Goodfellas is horrible. We think its a comedy. My momshe is the strongest woman in my lifeand she and my sister are my heroes. Any woman whos ever dated me will tell you, Im like, Are you sure? Can we get this in writing and an email from you? I think in Hollywood, its a case of these nerdy guys who dont know what to do with a woman, and they get a chance to do it, and they do something inappropriate. Like Ive never been a Casanova but Ive always been able to get a date. I think the more time you stay asexual in your adult life, you get creepier.

Mandy: Ive had several comics over the years tell me about their personal dislike for Aziz based on his standoffish behavior. Do you think theres any schadenfreude right now as he is coming under fire?

Artie: Im probably one of those guys. I thought he could follow me on Bitter. I dont like bashing of comedians in general. I hated the Dane Cook-bashing thing. And Dane goes on to make all that money, and that bitterness comes out. Then his brother steals millions of dollars from him. I wish Dane well. And you know, I think Aziz gets a lot of that bitterness, too. You know, his timing is perfect for comedy. But what he does at the Comedy Cellar is not going to endear him to anybody. What he does there, he sits in the corner like a young Dylan writing jokes, and he can do that at home. We get it. Youre a hard worker. But I guess were going to have to get over that, because a new generation of people is coming.

I think he was trying to figure out a way to get rid of me. I did the job for him, but I dont think he was rooting for it.

Artie Lange on Howard Stern

Mandy: Do you think that Crashing captures the changing culture in comedy at all?

Artie: Judd is so great at what he does, and so is Pete [Holmes]. The way Judd lets you improvise, and the money… see Ive never been involved in something that you might call a hit. Except the Stern show, but that was very different. Judd is so successful. The money HBO is spending. They shot it like a playyou dont have to do over-the-shoulder stuff. And the way that I talk and work, it was way better for me. Judd knew that. Like the scene in the pizzeria, Judd read my book, which was flattering, and he said, Just tell me stories about your life, about what can happen off-stage, so like the ghost of Christmas future. Comedy future. I think its great, because Judd lets us talk.

Mandy: I was relistening today to your very first Howard Stern appearance. And Stern is joking, saying, You need coke. Youre a lot better on it. He also says, Go out and get into more trouble, and well have you back on.

Artie: I know. But you cant blame anyone else for any of this. Howards genius is seeing which way the wind is blowing in society and acting accordingly. I think he noticed after the Janet Jackson thing, we started getting fined for stupid shit. Were getting $500,000 fines for jokes Im making about farting. The guy is a genius at marketing and comedymore so in marketing. I think he saw over time the way the show was going, and that it would not be conducive to have me on it. But he also knew that I was popular. I think he was trying to figure out a way to get rid of me. I did the job for him, but I dont think he was rooting for it. I think he conquered that era of radio with me. I wouldnt fit in now at all. I cant stand Gwyneth Paltrow. The contrast between the old shows is crazy. Like if you listen to shows we did of us talking about Jennifer Aniston or Ellen DeGeneres dancing in the 2000s. He said Aniston was a cunt. Even I was like, Jesus, it must be personal. Now he goes to her wedding.

Mandy: So whats going on with your health? The diabetes has gotten really bad? Have you had to amputate anything?

Artie: God no. The rumors have gotten really bad, havent they? No, the diabetes is under control every time I go to the hospital. But the thing is, its a confusing disease. One day a Twinkie could save your life, and another day it could kill you. Im not a good preparer so thats why I was bad in school. I was like, Lets get the fuck out of here and get to life. Which comedy lets you do. But yeah, with diabetes, youre supposed to measure your blood sugar every time before you eat. Im like, What the fuck, are you kidding me? Im going to take my blood sugar in the parking lot of McDonalds? Its bad, but when I go to the hospital they get me under control. So now its under control. Its fine, actually. But you know, give me two months out of the hospital and my blood sugar is higher than my credit score. Thats the signifier of a loser. They also put me on the liver list. I needed a new liver. But I went to a medical clinic someone recommended, and they gave me this special shit they put in the saline, it cost like $80,000, and my liver enzymes were like 900, which is like Mickey Mantle at the end of his life. And it went to normal, completely normal. My kidneys, my liver are all fine. The doctor said, Youve got the bloodwork, despite the diabetes, of an Olympic athlete.

Mandy: Have you thought about going down to Hippocrates Health Institute, where a lot of entertainment industry people have gone?

Artie: I did that once. Yeah, my sister found out about it. You need a prescription for an apple. I ran away from that in 2008. Howard said, go away for as long as you need to. Eight days in with these two other guys who were Stern fans who would have done anything for me, we just escaped in the one guys car. I got a $3,500 room at the Setai in South Beach, and I got a hooker and a bunch of pancakes. And I called into the show and said I have whiskey and pancakes with this Ecuadorian hooker, and he put me on the air. So I left early from that, and I was out of control. And Howard didnt think I was going to die or anything. You know, Chris Rock came in once and said, Howard, I think youve got to fire Artie. I love him. But he needs consequences.

Mandy: I guess my take is, from observing you from afar, youve said, Im clean so many times, and that youre always somebody who is going to use.

Artie: People think that I want to be someone who uses. I dont. I mean, I remember in Little League when I didnt use anything, I was very happy. When I am emphatic about it, in my personal life, I dont lie to friends of mine. But I can think of a lot of reasons why you dont tell your boss youre doing heroin, and why I lied to Howard Stern. Theres also a misconception I hate that Howard didnt care about me. He tried to get me help. Several times he said to me, Take as long as you want, and when you come back you have a job.

Mandy: So do you think some of the drug abuse comes from massive, massive self-hatred? That was the case for me, I know, and many addicts.

Artie: Thats interesting. Listen, Bernie Brillstein was talking to Norm Macdonald and me once. Hes the legendary manager who managed [John] Belushi, and he managed Chris Farley. And he supposedly said to Belushi and Farleyits funny he had guilt that he said this to Belushi, and 20 years later he said it again to mehe said, Well, whatd you get into show business for? Not to fuck hookers and do drugs? I was brought up on Sam Kinison and Richard Pryor. With Richard Pryor, I wanted to do almost everything he did, short of burning himself. And thats a terrible thing to think, but I got the opportunity, and I made every mistake you could make. I was like, Why not? The first time we went to Las Vegas with Howard, I fucked 11 strippers in four days. We were like the Rolling Stones going in there. Two years on MadTV aint exactly the Rolling Stones. The stuff Ive done with Norm Im so proud of because it was Norm, but it was never like a big hit. Like Dirty Work has become a little bit of a cult thing, which Im proud of. But with the Stern show, this was like rock-star shit. We flew into Vegas on a private jet, and theres a line around the block, and its all for us. Howard is married. Fred is married. Everyones married, and then theres me. The strippers going down her list, and she says, I guess Ill fuck him.

Mandy: Do you still talk to Norm Macdonald?

Artie: We communicate with text, like everybody else. He put a very nice thing in his book about me. He called me the last time, and he said, you gotta stop doing this. He was worried about me. I love Norm. Norm saved my whole career. Out of nowhere. I was about to start driving a cab again. I got the call for Dirty Work, and that led to everything else. Norm. Howard. Quincy Jones, who gave me MadTV. And Judd now. These are famous guys. [Bruce] Springsteen called me. And Apatow said to me, he said, You must be a really bad addict going back to this shit after all these people, your heroes, saved you. Hes right. I mean, Quincy Jones saved my fucking life. He also got me these insane privileges in L.A. County. Like my own shower. And I asked Quincy, How do you have so much sway in prison? He said, I made Thriller.

Mandy: So why do you go back to the drugs after you get clean each time? Is it the boredom?

Artie: Its the anger. Ill give you an example. Its a story I kind of keep on the down-low, but there was this girl that I dated in San Diego. She worked at an agency as an assistant. She was 23. I was 28, and I was on MadTV. And she was pregnantshe got pregnant, found out it was a boy. I was all excited, and she was scared to death because of how I had been living. Me at that age makes this look like Mr. Rogers. So the first place we made out was Zuma Beach, and she said, Lets go to that place. I want to tell you something. Shes crying, and she says, I had an abortion. I was mad, and I said, Why? And she said, You know, Artie, youre going to make your mark in this business, but I hope you do it before you die. And I cant deal with that.

Mandy: So anger is often the cause of relapses for you? Anger at the world?

Artie: It is a strange world. Its like rereading the Unabomber Manifesto its kind of like, I get it now. I dont agree with how he went about it, but he was clearly on the money about technology. Or look at the movie Network. That one scene, he lays everything out about what is to come.

Mandy: When do you find out if youre going to jail?

Artie: Feb. 23. You know, if they want to send me away for being a junkie, thats fine. The judge was very fair. Very smart. I dont know if she was a big fan of mine, but thats all right.

Mandy: When do you think you were happiest in your life?

Artie: You know, its funny. When I was broke, when I left the port as a longshoreman, and I decided to drive into New York City one night, I was 19 years old. When I started doing well, I was driving a cab, I was broke, trying to help my mother out. We were about to lose the house. And I told her I could go back to the port. She said I could keep doing it. But you know, I was happier during the struggle because of hope. I was 23, broke, driving a cab, parking a cab in front of The Comic Strip, which was the first place I passed. I would have [Joe] Matarese or [Dave] Attell watch the car. I was happier then, I swear to God.

Mandy: Hollywood can be fairly crushing. So many transactional relationships and people who dont care if you live or die and want to use you.

Artie: At the Stern show, I saw how toxic that entire environment was. You have some people who are without talent who just leached onto Howard. Talentless guys whose entire life is based on pleasing that one person. I saw people who werent comedians who thought they could sit in that chair and do what I did. When I went down with the heroin thing, they were clearly making statements about it. Like if I died, they would have been almost happy about it, I guarantee it. I saw the sharks swimming like Ive never seen before. I thought I knew a lot about people in a non-naive way coming into that job, but man, the way people wanted what I did for a living. What pissed me off is that they thought they could do it. And you know, theres a reason that chair stayed empty. Im done being humble with some things. That chair isnt empty completely because Howard felt like it; that chair is empty because he knows no one can do what I did. There are people who are funnier than me, but theres no one who would have been as honest, and no one who knows that show better. I left a lot of blood on that fucking floor, man. I told stories that cost me relationships with some people, and I didnt realize it. I almost got arrested. The DEA came to the fucking show because of something I said on the air, in their fucking windbreakers, to grill me about Heath Ledger because they thought we had the same heroin dealer. Im like, Why the fuck do you think that? I guess theres reasons they could. There was a security guy who worked the door, and he saw the whole thing, and he said, Artie, you are one entertaining fuckup.

Mandy: What do you think of Donald Trump, who used to do the Howard Stern Show quite a bit?

Artie: I love Trump. Ive had like four times when I interacted with him. I roasted him. Trump said I was the best of the night, but then Howard is so smart, he told me to tell the joke that was making fun of him in business. I do, and then Trump goes, Artie was the worst of the roast. He bombed. I had a CNN guy call me about it, and I said, Im not doing it. Because Im fucking rooting for him. And I golfed with him and Eli Manning once at his club. I did nothing but laugh along with him. Then I saw him at Howards wedding. Howard had bought out Le Cirque. But it was still small. I had played Carnegie Hall at this point, but it was so nerve-wracking. Billy Joel and his wife were there, two feet from me. Howard. Trump and Melania. Barbara Walters, Joan Rivers, Chevy Chase. It was a tough room, you know. And I killed. The first joke was how much Beth looks like Christie Brinkley, so I made a Billy Joel joke. And thank God he laughed at it. But Howard was drunk, and doing that great Howard laugh. I loved making Howard laugh. But Trump came up to me afterward, because other people spoke and kind of bombed, and he shook my hand, and he said, That was a very hard thing to do, and you were amazing. He respected that even though I look like a slob he could tell I worked hard. Because, yeah, you think I walked into Stern because I won a lottery? So I always respected the guy.

Whether youre for him or not, what he represents is that this country can vote out politicians and elect a game show host because theyre pissed off about stuff. You know, there are two guys on that Billy Bush tape. One guy apologized. The other guy didnt. One guys working at a gift shop in Kennebunkport. The other guys president. The fucking country likes alpha males. The Midwest does, I know that. And the stuff with the Mexicans. He didnt say he hates all Mexicans. He told the truth about the drug problem. How do you think I get dope? Trump just doesnt give a shit. You know, Louis C.K. wrote an op-ed piece, while he was, jerking off next to women, calling Trump Hitler? And its like, Calm the fuck down. It washes down what Hitler did. A guy who let the Mob take away garbage because you have to? The naivete of these people. If you build a building in New York, you have to deal with the Mob. Trump knows that. Ted Cruz lost so many votes during the primaries when he attacked him on that.

Mandy: What do you think of the porn star Stormy Daniels and Trump? I guess he asked her to spank him with a copy of Forbes.

Artie: Well, I think Ive done worse. Comparing him to Harvey Weinstein? Thats a fetish. Listen, if Trump has raped someone, of course I hate his guts.

Mandy: So for you, what has the reaction been to your latest near-death experience? From everything that Ive read on Twitter and Reddit and YouTube, I feel like half the fans are saying, I dont want to watch him kill himself anymore, and like, Ive stopped believing him.

Artie: The fact that I havent got it yet is hard to understand. I think theyre disappointed in me. It was an easier sell at 30 than it was at 50.

Mandy: Whats the best sobriety advice youve received, do you think?

Artie: To not make my Higher Power my career or another human being because it can disappoint you.

Mandy: Do you believe in God? Do you pray?

Artie: You know, Ill give you something Ive never told anybody. So my father was obsessed with Houdini the magician, and Houdini was obsessed with the occult. Houdini always tried to contact the other side, like dead relatives. So Houdini said, If I die, lets have a word. If the psychic tells you the word, you know, we talk. So my father said, when he was lying in bed, he had the plan to kill himself, but I didnt know that. He said, Lets do that. I go, OK. His father, who I never knew, died when he was 11. He got shot in front of him. His father worked at a factory. The Otis Elevator Company in Newark. It was a bookie, I guess. But he said, Lets make it Otis.

So Im in rehab this latest time, several weeks ago. And Im in the van, which the hilarious security guards call The Druggie Buggie. Or The Loser Cruiser, thats what they call it in jail. So Ive just come out of the shit, with the withdrawal part, and I looked better, I guess. It was a beautiful day. Where I went in Connecticut, it was like a Christmas card, it was unbelievably beautiful. And I said, I feel better this time. I felt really good. The sky was clear. I was with people I like, and they both said out of nowhere, I think youre going to make it this time. And I said, I guess I gotta think like that. And I stretched over, and there was a car that said Otis on it. The elevator at the rehab that never broke, they said, when I told them the story, the Otis Elevator Company was repairing the elevator. Listen, I dont believe in any of that shit, but that is the most spiritual thing thats ever happened to me. I tell my mother that, and clearly shes religious, and she goes, Dads talking to you. Im telling you, that was fucking freaky. So you know, just at that moment, when I had hope and I looked up and it was a clear sky and it says Otis, I was just like, Jesus Christ.

Read more: https://www.thedailybeast.com/artie-lange-is-not-ready-to-die-fck-em-all

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Artie Lange Is Not Ready to Die: F*ck Em All

It’s hard being friends with the notoriously demon-plagued comedian Artie Lange–which, full disclosure, I am. This is in no way objective. I truly want the guy to live.

I first interviewed Lange in 2006 as part of the New York Post ‘ s coverage of the annual New York Comedy Festival. He had just sold out Carnegie Hall in a few hours and was on top of the world. Over the next few years, we met at comedy fraternities from time to day. I mentioned how healthy he appeared in a May 2009 Page Six item about his visiting Colin Quinn’s one-man display( which he mentioned in his book Crash and Burn ). When I interviewed him again on Oct. 30, 2009, it was a longer talk this time, with a few insights that astonished me. He talked about the “game” comics play of initially sabotaging a determine with the audience, then realise if you are able dig yourself out of that pit. I asked if he had ever thought that he might be playing the same game with his own life.” You should be a diminish ,” he said.

Sixty-nine days later, I heard the news, like anyone else who follows Lange: that he was near death after stabbing himself in the belly nine days with a 13 -inch kitchen bayonet.

Then on Sept. 27, 2010, I got a call from comedian Dan Naturman, who told me all about Artie’s triumphant return at the Comedy Cellar, which led to an incredibly feel-good lead item in Page Six called:” Artie Lange Thrills Audiences Again .”

I interviewed him several more times over the years, and when my husband Pat Dixon, who is also a comedian, started his own prove in 2015 at Compound Media, run by controversial radio legend Anthony Cumia, I told Artie that he ought to consider joining the network. To my surprise–and unrelated to me telling him that, as the pairing of two Sirius refugees is a no-brainer to all persons who follows shock-jock radio–in August 2017, he started a new reveal with Cumia called The AA Show . Now , not only did Lange have a regular broadcasting outlet, but the HBO series Judd Apatow and Pete Holmes enlisted him in called Crashing , where he played himself, was a bona fide hit. His third book, Wanna Bet ? em >, was inked, his standup was doing well, and so if you were doing any kind of predictive sequence , what happened next was no surprise.

Oct. 16, 2017:” Artie Lange rushed to hospital, cancels weekend indicate .” Dec. 13, 2017:” Artie Lange Arrested After Missing Court Date for Drug Charges .” Dec. 15, 2017:” Artie Lange Headed to Rehab on Private Jet After Drug Charge .”

Less than a month afterward, on Jan. 12, Lange been returned to New York and tweeted out to his 364,000 followers:” I’m back guys. Clean& Sober 32 days .”

On Jan. 18, after celebrating Dave Attell’s birthday( Artie merely turned 50 himself ), Lange satisfied me in between specifies at New York City’s Olive Tree Cafe. To avoid the requests for photos from devotees and occasional paparazzi, we sat in his SUV and drove around the city for an hour and a half before returning to the slapstick club. With one hand on the steering wheel and one on an unlit Marlboro Red, Lange talked about everything from Harvey Weinstein to Donald Trump to Louis C.K. to Aziz Ansari to the fundamental question at hand:

Artie Lange doesn’t want to die … right?

The following interview has been condensed and edited for clarity . i>

Mandy: So I guess I’m wondering at what phase all of this is enough to get you to stop. Like, for example, I have a friend who if he did cocaine one more time, the doctors told him his nose would collapse–

Artie: Well half of my nose is run. My nose had not yet been septum. I intend I’ve been snorting coke and heroin…

Mandy: When was the last time you did coke or heroin?

Artie: Well I just pissed clean at Hazelden so that’s 38 days. But here’s the thing: 31 of them were in lockdown. So now’s the real job. And I’m not going to lie to you, it’s a struggle lying there every night.

Mandy: What’s the longest you’ve ever been clean?

Artie: Since I was 15, 11 months. And two weeks in my twenties.

Mandy: Do you take, what is it, methadone?

Artie : b> No , no. I was on methadone years ago. There was a methadone clinic on Eighth and 35 th, and I would go there before Howard . They would make it out to me, like special, at 5:30 a.m. I had to stop doing heroin because I was losing my job. They gave me the methadone. It’s fucking heroin, basically. I left during interviews to throw up. And I said,” Well this is worse than fucking heroin, so why don’t I stay on that .” I take Suboxone now. Suboxone works well for me, and it’s agreed to by civilization. It looks like a capsule you take for blood pressure every morning, so that’s how I’ve got to look at it. It lets you not run cold turkey.

” Aziz’ I’m sorry’ is a better name. I don’t have any respect for Aziz Ansari. I’m glad nobody get raped .” div>

— Artie Lange

Mandy: You detoxed cold turkey in jail this last hour?

Artie : b> I’ve been in jail like eight times, and this past hour, I detoxed. I kicked heroin, like lying on the floor. When I got arraigned, you always want to be very respectful in front of the judge. She was like,” What are you doing ?” And I’m thinking to myself,” Well, your honor, I’m dead .” And you know, I’m trying to stand up. Withdrawal, the physical material, people would realize the first or the second period of withdrawals, girlfriends would say,” Well, that was really bad .” And I’m like,” You learnt the opening act. That was The Clash. That was David Johansen. The Who is about to take the stage .” The third or fourth day of heroin withdrawal, if you’re a big user like I became, if you’re not physically stopped from get dope, you’ll get it. With heroin, I became an addict on the road. I ever had fund. I’ve never had to steal. I don’t judge those people. Like people say to me,” Have you ever blown a guy for heroin ?” I say, “No.” But then again , no one’s ever asked.

Mandy : b> If you do fall off the wagon again, are you scared of fentanyl at all?

Artie: No. A real heroin addict is not just scared fentanyl. I’d do it in a heartbeat. I crave strong shit.

Mandy: Have you insured the tiny sum it takes to kill you?

Artie: I don’t know what it is, but outlines it back one inch. I would accept fentanyl in a heartbeat. I had a fentanyl patch on in a mental home. It was unbelievable. I’ve never ODed. I’ve had dealers say,” Jesus Christ. What the fuck .” But the nose is bad now. I could get a brain infection. If I did it, anything would go right to the brain. But again, I heard that six months ago, and I moved and used an hour after.

Mandy: So I signify … it was necessary to crave to succumb.

Artie: No, I don’t want to die. I want to be high.

Mandy: But that will eventually kill you.

Artie: I’m 50 . If you would have told me in 1995, if you tried to bring up “2018,” it would be like The Jetsons . I’d be like,” What are you talking about ?”

Mandy: So you’re having fun on borrowed time.

Artie: I’m playing with the house’s money. As far as I’m concerned, I’m an overachiever. A lot of fund changed hands on the internet when I turned 50. I was so happy. Fuck’ em all.

Mandy: But I intend … your mommy and your sister. They’re the main people who maintain you from was intended to to be reckless with the house’s money, right?

Artie: Yes that’s the … that’s the worst.

Mandy: I called your momma when you were practically in a coma these last few weeks, and her voice was just so heartbroken. I don’t think she thought you were going to make it.

Artie: Yeah, you are familiar with, my father left us with nothing. I desire my dad. He was my best friend. But my father was a criminal. My father was an impulsive guy, and that’s what killed him. Just like my father, with me, there are real high highs and real low lows. Like my mother recognized me at Carnegie Hall, when my book went to No. 1 on The New York Times bestseller listing, and I reckon[ Barack] Obama’s was like No. 7. She has that framed. But then she’s also appreciated me withdrawing in jail.

Mandy: Your mommy detected you when you tried to kill yourself in 2010, right?

Artie: That was not a suicide attempt. I was in such bad withdrawals. Believe me, I leave a note. The one other time, I left a note. But diminishes move,” You’ve never tried to kill yourself. Because there was always a mountain of drugs involved .” I was in such bad withdrawals, I wanted to feel something different. I was by myself. I wanted to lose enough blood to pass out. When I woke up, I don’t know, I figured I’d put on a ruby-red shirt and used to go. I didn’t know my mother was coming over. They had an intervention schemed that I didn’t even know about. I run,” Ma, “youve never” schemed a surprise party .”

Mandy: Does your mama talk to you every day?

Artie: Yeah, my mother knows me better than anyone else, but I don’t keep telling her when I slip. You know, when Dr. Drew offered me 250 grand to do Celebrity Rehab , I thought to myself,” Do I merely want to kill my mother now ?” Like it’s going to be me and Dennis Rodman throwing up in the same pail. I enjoy Dr. Drew, but I knew that show was going to go off the air because the recuperation rate is like zero. If Pablo Escobar were alive today, he’d be running a rehab. It’s such a corrupted industry.

Mandy: You seem to still get offered drugs a lot. I think about that scene in Crashing where it’s the super hot lady from Showgirls who has coke and wants to do it with you.

Artie: Gina Gershon? Yeah, you are familiar with, that episode is based on one of my stories. And if the woman who inspired the episode figures it out, she’d be very happy with the casting.

Mandy: Do you think it was a good idea to leave rehab early?

Artie : b> I have to do this intense outpatient thing which is five days a week. I go in there in the morning, and I get piss tests there. Screen Actors Guild doesn’t let you do that to people. Like it’s almost an NFL union. You can’t pee-test people. Not that I’m complaining about it, but I don’t get fired from demonstrates because ultimately it’s a forgiving business for material like that. People ever say it’s a forgive business. And, it’s true. Robert Downey Jr. came back, and he’s like the best performer ever. But for every one of him, there’s like two thousand Jeff Conaways from Taxi living at a right slant and nobody cares and they die alone.

Mandy: You’re just operating so much right now.

Artie: The one genre where I have some juice is the radio business, and you know Anthony Cumia, I love Anthony so much now. I never really met him before. We’re both kind of outlawed. Without this podcasting engineering you know we both would be out of a task now, likely. It’s such a weird existence I have right now. Over on one side, I’m doing this crazy podcast with Anthony on Compound Media that I love, and then I’m on Crashing which is an HBO-produced depict I love, but which could not be more the other style. Judd Apatow is another famous guy who saved my life. Like, what a great person. I’ve got volumes and stand-up, and I’m still making a lot of fund doing it. If that’s not going to go away, there’s not much of an incentive to stay in rehab.

Mandy: And I’m guessing, from what you said, you don’t want to leave your mommy with nothing. So what about a gig like the one with Anthony Cumia. Is that enabling or is that helping you stay clean?

Artie: Let me tell you something: I love doing it. It’s almost like therapy. A lot of people don’t understand a comic’s thinker. People are like,” You’re going to jump right into stand-up ?” Yeah, that’s what I have to do. I can’t stop doing it. And Anthony’s show is like from 4 p. m. to 6 p. m. It’s the most fun I’ve ever had in “peoples lives”. Even more fun than Howard . Because I was never uncensored on Howard . It’s his show. It’s Howard. So what was happening near the end when his life changed, he would satisfy someone in the Hamptons, and we wouldn’t know about it. Like me and Fred[ Norris, a long time tenured Howard Stern staff member] wouldn’t know about it. And then he’d be friends with them, like somebody we bashed for 10 years. So I’d say something about Richard Gere, and he’d go,” You got a problem with him ?” I’d move,” Haven’t we ever had a problem with him ?”” No, I had dinner with him .”” Well, can I get the memo? I don’t give a shit. I’ll set him on the fucking list .” But I wouldn’t not be allowed to make fun of Orlando Bloom. The present, I couldn’t be on now. And he knew that.

Mandy: Anthony likely does a better Howard impression than Howard at this level.

Artie: Well the thing about Anthony is that he’s the same guy off-air. But it’s not true for Howard. Howard’s a very fascinating guy. He must have an IQ north of 180. But the instance I ever use is that Hunter S. Thompson was a guy who destroyed like the wealthy and corporate America, and he walked the stroll until the end of his life. He was a crazy maniac in Colorado and shot himself in the chief. And Howard was like that for a while. He was making fun of all these people, and when he got a chance–like nobody is has become an -Alist person through the radio–but when he got a chance to be with those people, fans thought he’s going to be like Hunter S. Thompson. Like you watch them through the window eating, and he’s going to bust through the window or moon them or something. And when he got the opportunity, like Jennifer Aniston’s wedding, he starts making out with Orlando Bloom.

Mandy : b> Metaphorically.

Artie : b> Right. And to me as a devotee, it’s like, what the fuck have we been laughing at all this time? Me and my first girlfriend at the time Dana[ Sironi ], she was close with Beth[ Ostrosky Stern ]. And Beth is a sweetheart. I don’t want to make it sound like I’m bitter. I still desire Howard.

Mandy: Who are the people from the Stern prove you keep in touch with?

Artie: Well, they’re not allowed to call me. I swear to God, I’ve had people tell me from the show they were worried they were talking to me. Appear, I’m a person who’s impulsive, and I get very angry and I say things I shouldn’t say. It’s hurt me my whole life, and I’m a junkie.

Mandy : b> You tweeted a few weeks ago,” Look out Marci. I’m talking to Howard without your permission ,” referring to his high-profile handler Marci Turk. Did you actually talk to Howard Stern?

Artie : b> No, I don’t talk to Howard. We dislike each other’s intestines. He can’t stand me for some reason, and I’ve learned to detest him.

Mandy: What’s your reaction to Louis C.K .? And now everyone’s talking about the tale that was written about Aziz Ansari.

Artie: Aziz ” I’m sorry” is a better name. I don’t have any respect for Aziz Ansari. I’m glad nobody get raped. But you know, I agree with Samantha Bee when she says it doesn’t have to be rape to ruin somebody’s life. That’s true. And what Louis did is despicable. That was a rumor for a long time. But if you’re a couple of women at the Aspen Comedy Festival, you’ve got a lot going on, likely. And there’s this comedian, who back then he wasn’t famous, but he’s always been respected, and they surely knew him. And he’s promising them shit supposedly, and it’s just because he wants to jerk off in front of them. It’s just the creepiest thing ever. Louis was always overrated to me. He has like five jokes he’s written that I like. But you are familiar with I’ll go along with it, if it gets me spots. I just think he’s overrated. To me, it was like the emperor’s new clothes came off. In the inn room.

Mandy: Have you had any women approach you with any kind of” Me Too” instant, something they wanted to confront you about?

Artie: A girl? No. I signify, some people reckon I’m a misogynist because of material on the Stern display. You know I’ve never told anybody this, but this is how their own families been thinking about sexuality predators: After I told my father about a high-school teacher injuring a girl I knew, the style my papa dealt with it was by waiting outside the teacher’s mansion, putting a suitcase over the guy’s brain, and leaving him in a car for two days. My dad is coming, disguised his voice, and he said,” Stop fucking touching little girls .” I’m not condoning how he handled it, but that’s just the truth. My father-god thought that was justified. You know, there are people who think Goodfellas is horrible. We think it’s a comedy. My mom–she is the strongest lady in my life–and she and my sister are my heroes. Any lady who’s ever dated me will tell you, I’m like,” Are you sure? Can we get this in writing and an email from you ?” I think in Hollywood, it’s a instance of these nerdy guys who don’t know what to do with a woman, and they get a chance to do it, and they do something inappropriate. Like I’ve never been a Casanova but I’ve always been able to get a date. I suppose the more hour you stay asexual in your adult life, you get creepier.

Mandy: I’ve had several comics over the years tell me about their personal disfavour for Aziz based on his standoffish behavior. Do you think there’s any schadenfreude right now as he is coming under fire?

Artie: I’m likely one of those guys. I thought he could “re coming with me” on Bitter . I don’t like bashing of comedians in general. I disliked the Dane Cook-bashing thing. And Dane goes on to make all that fund, and that bitterness comes out. Then two brothers steals billions of dollars from him. I wish Dane well. And you know, I reckon Aziz gets a lot of that bitterness, too. You know, his timing is perfect for slapstick. But what he does at the Comedy Cellar is not going to endear him to anybody. What he does there, he sits in the corner like a young Dylan writing gags, and he can do that at home. We get it. You’re a hard worker. But I guess we’re going to have to get over that, because a new generation of people is coming.

” I think he was trying to figure out a style to get rid of me. I did the job for him, but I don’t think he was rooting for it .” div>

— Artie Lange on Howard Stern

Mandy: Do you think that Crashing captures the changing culture in slapstick at all?

Artie: Judd is so great at what he does, and so is Pete[ Holmes ]. The style Judd lets you improvise, and the money … insure I’ve never been involved in something that you might call” a reach .” Except the Stern demonstrate, but that was very different. Judd is so successful. The money HBO is expending. They shot it like a play–you don’t have to do over-the-shoulder stuff. And the route that I talk and run, “its been” lane better for me. Judd knew that. Like the scene in the pizzeria, Judd read my volume, which is now being flattering, and he said,” Just tell me tales about their own lives, about what can happen off-stage ,” so like the specter of Christmas future. Comedy future. I think it’s great, because Judd lets us talk.

Mandy: I was relistening today to your very first Howard Stern appearing. And Stern is joking, saying,” You need coke. You’re a lot better on it .” He also says,” Go out and get into more hassle, and we’ll have you back on .”

Artie: I know. But you can’t blame anyone else for any of this. Howard’s genius is ascertaining which way the wind is blowing in society and acting accordingly. I think he noticed after the Janet Jackson thing, we started get fined for stupid shit. We’re getting $500,000 fines for gags I’m making about farting. The guy is a genius at marketing and comedy–more so in marketing. I think he saw over time the style the indicate was going, and that it would not be conducive to have me on it. But he likewise knew that I was popular. I think he was trying to figure out a route to get rid of me. I did the job for him, but I don’t think he was rooting for it. I think he conquered that age of radio with me. I wouldn’t fit in now at all. I can’t stand Gwyneth Paltrow. The contrast between the age-old shows is crazy. Like if you listen to shows we did of us talking about Jennifer Aniston or Ellen DeGeneres dancing in the 2000 s. He said Aniston was a cunt. Even I was like,” Jesus, it must be personal .” Now he goes to her wedding.

Mandy: So what’s going on with your health? The diabetes has gotten really bad? Have you had to amputate anything?

Artie: God no. The rumors have gotten really bad, haven’t they? No, the diabetes is under control every time I go to the hospital. But the thing is, it’s a confusing cancer. One period a Twinkie could save your life, and another period it could kill you. I’m not a good preparer so that’s why I was bad in school. I was like,” Let’s get the fuck out of here and get at life .” Which comedy lets you do. But yeah, with diabetes, you’re supposed to measure your blood sugar every time before you feed. I’m like,” What the fucking, are you kidding me? I’m going to take my blood sugar in the parking lot of McDonald’s ?” It’s bad, but when I go to the hospital they get me under control. So now it’s under control. It’s fine, actually. But you know, gives people two months out of research hospitals and my blood sugar is higher than my credit score. That’s the signifier of a loser. They also set me on the liver list. I required a new liver. But I went to a medical clinic person recommended, and they gave me this special shit they put in the saline, it expense like $80,000, and my liver enzymes were like 900, which is like Mickey Mantle at the end of his life. And it went to normal, perfectly normal. My kidneys, my liver are all fine. The doctor said,” You’ve got the bloodwork, despite the diabetes, of an Olympic jock .”

Mandy: Have you thought about going down to Hippocrates Health Institute, where a lot of entertainment industry people going to go?

Artie: I did that once. Yeah, my sister found out about it. You necessity a prescription for an apple. I ran away from that in 2008. Howard said, go away for as long as you need to. Eight days in with these two other guys who were Stern devotees who would have done anything for me, we just escaped in the one guy’s auto. I got a $3,500 room at the Setai in South Beach, and I got a hooker and a bunch of flapjacks. And I called into the display and said I have whiskey and pancakes with this Ecuadorian hooker, and he put me on the air. So I left early from that, and I was out of control. And Howard didn’t think I was going to die or anything. You know, Chris Rock came in once and said,” Howard, I think you’ve got to fire Artie. I adoration him. But he necessity consequences .”

Mandy : b> I guess my take is, from find you from afar, you’ve said,” I’m clean” so many times, and that you’re always somebody who is going to use.

Artie: People is considered that I want to be someone who use. I don’t. I intend, I remember in Little League when I didn’t use anything, I was very happy. When I am emphatic about it, in my personal life, I don’t “re fucking lying to” friends of mine. But I can think of a lot of reasons why you don’t tell your boss you’re doing heroin, and why I lied to Howard Stern. There’s also a misconception I detest that Howard didn’t care about me. He tried to get me help. Several periods he said to me,” Take as long as you crave, and when you come back you have a occupation .”

Mandy: So do you think some of the drug abuse comes from massive, massive self-hatred? That was the case for me, I know, and many addicts.

Artie: That’s interesting. Listen, Bernie Brillstein was talking to Norm Macdonald and me once. He’s the legendary administrator who oversaw[ John] Belushi, and he managed Chris Farley. And he supposedly said to Belushi and Farley–it’s funny he had guilt that he said this to Belushi, and 20 year later he said it once again to me–he said,” Well, what’d you get into show business for? Not to fuck hookers and do drugs ?” I was brought up on Sam Kinison and Richard Pryor. With Richard Pryor, I wanted to do almost everything he did, short of igniting himself. And that’s a terrible thing to imagine, but I got the opportunity, and I constructed every mistake you are able make. I was like,” Why not ?” The first time we went to Las Vegas with Howard, I fucked 11 strippers in four days. We were like the Rolling Stone going in there. Two years on MadTV ain’t exactly the Rolling Stones. The stuff I’ve done with Norm I’m so proud of because it was Norm, but it was never like a big hit. Like Dirty Work has become a little bit of a cult thing, which I’m proud of. But with the Stern prove, this was like rock-star shit. We flew into Vegas on a private airplane, and there’s a line all over the block, and it’s all for us. Howard is wedded. Fred is marriage. Everyone’s married, and then there’s me. The stripper’s going down her listing, and she says,” I guess I’ll fuck him .”

Mandy: Do you still talk to Norm Macdonald?

Artie: We communicate with text, like everybody else. He set a very nice thing in his volume about me. He called me the last day, and he said, you gotta stop doing this. He was worried about me. I desire Norm. Norm saved my whole career. Out of nowhere. I was about to start driving a cab again. I got the call for Dirty Work , and that led to everything else. Norm. Howard. Quincy Jones, who gave me MadTV . And Judd now. These are famous guys.[ Bruce] Springsteen called me. And Apatow said to me, he said,” You must be a really bad addict going back to this shit after all these people, your heroes, saved you .” He’s right. I entail, Quincy Jones saved my fucking life. He likewise got me these insane privileges in L.A. County. Like my own rain. And I asked Quincy,” How do you have so much sway in prison ?” He said,” I stimulated Thriller .”

Mandy: So why do you go back to the drugs after you get clean each time? Is it the boredom?

Artie: It’s the rage. I’ll give you an example. It’s a story I kind of keep on the down-low, but there was this girl that I dated in San Diego. She worked at an organization as an aide. She was 23. I was 28, and I was on MadTV . And she was pregnant–she got pregnant, found out it was a boy. I was all excited, and she was scared to death because of how I had been living. Me at that age stimulates this definitely sounds like Mr. Rogers . So the first place we made out was Zuma Beach, and she said,” Let’s go to that place. I want to tell you something .” She’s crying, and she says,” I had an abortion .” I was mad, and I said, “Why?” And she said,” You know, Artie, you’re going to make your mark in this business, but I hope you do it before you die. And I can’t deal with that .”

Mandy: So anger is often the cause of relapses for you? Anger at “the worlds”?

Artie: It is a strange world. It’s like rereading the Unabomber Manifesto it’s kind of like, I get it now. I don’t agree with how “hes been gone” about it, but he was clearly on the money about technology. Or look at the movie Network . That one scene, he lays everything out about what is to come.

Mandy: When do you find out if you’re going to jail?

Artie : b> Feb. 23. You know, if they want to send me away for being a junkie, that’s fine. The magistrate was very fair. Very smart. I don’t know if she was a big devotee of mine, but that’s all right.

Mandy : b> When do you think you were happiest in your life?

Artie : b> You know, it’s funny. When I was broke, when I left the port as a longshoreman, and I decided to drive into New York City one night, I was 19 years old. When I started doing well, I was driving a cab, I was broke, trying to help my mother out. We were about to lose the house. And I told her I could go back to the port. She said I could keep doing it. But you know, I was happier during the struggle because of hope. I was 23, violated, driving a taxi, parking a taxi in front of The Cartoon strip, which was the first place I passed. I would have[ Joe] Matarese or[ Dave] Attell watch the car. I was happier then, I swear to God.

Mandy: Hollywood can be fairly crushing. So many transactional relationships and people who don’t care if you live or die and want to use you.

Artie: At the Stern display, I saw how toxic that entire context was. You have some people who are without talent who just leached onto Howard. Talentless guys whose entire life is based on pleasing that one person. I saw people who weren’t comedians who thought they could sit in that chair and do what I did. When I went down with the heroin thing, they were clearly building statements about it. Like if I succumbed, they would have been almost happy about it, I guarantee it. I considered the sharks swimming like I’ve never seen before. I belief I knew a lot about people in a non-naive way coming into the number of jobs, but boy, the behavior people wanted what I did for a living. What pissed me off is because they thought they could do it. And you are familiar with, there’s a reason that chair stayed empty. I’m done being humble with some things. That chair isn’t empty entirely because Howard felt like it; that chair is empty because he knows no one can do what I did. There are people who are funnier than me, but there’s no one who would have been as honest, and no one who knows that demonstrate better. I left a lot of blood on that fucking floor, boy. I told narratives that expense me relationships with some people, and I didn’t realize it. I virtually got arrested. The DEA came to the fucking reveal because of something I said on the air, in their fucking windbreakers, to grill me about Heath Ledger because they thought we had the same heroin dealer. I’m like,” Why the fuck do you think that ?” I guess there’s reasons they could. There was a security guy who worked the door, and he saw the whole thing, and he said,” Artie, “youre one” entertaining fuckup .”

Mandy: What do “youre thinking about” Donald Trump, who used to do the Howard Stern Show quite a bit?

Artie: I adoration Trump. I’ve had like four times when I interacted with him. I roasted him. Trump said I was the best of the night, but then Howard is so smart-alecky, he told me to tell the gag that was making fun of him in business. I do, and then Trump runs,” Artie was the worst of the roasted. He bombed .” I had a CNN guy call me about it, and I said,” I’m not doing it. Because I’m fucking rooting for him .” And I golfed with him and Eli Manning once at his fraternity. I did nothing but laugh along with him. Then I appreciated him at Howard’s wedding. Howard had bought out Le Cirque. But it was still small-scale. I had played Carnegie Hall at this degree, but it was so nerve-wracking. Billy Joel and his wife were there, two feet from me. Howard. Trump and Melania. Barbara Walters, Joan Rivers, Chevy Chase. It was a tough room, you are familiar with. And I killed. The first joke was how much Beth looks like Christie Brinkley, so I made a Billy Joel joke. And thank God he giggled at it. But Howard was drunk, and doing that great Howard laugh. I loved making Howard laugh. But Trump came up to me afterward, because other people spoke and kind of bombed, and he shook my hand, and he said,” That was a very hard thing to do, and you two are amazing .” He respected that even though I look like a slob he could tell I worked hard. Because, yeah, you think I walked into Stern because I won a lottery? So I ever respected the guy.

Whether you’re for him or not, what he represents is that this country can vote out politicians and elect a game show host because they’re pissed off about stuff. You know, there are two guys on that Billy Bush tape. One guy apologized. The other guy didn’t. One guy’s working at a endowment shop in Kennebunkport. The other guy’s chairwoman. The fucking country likes alpha males. The Midwest does, I know that. And the stuff with the Mexicans. He didn’t say he dislikes all Mexicans. He told the truth about the medicine problem. How do you think I get dope? Trump merely doesn’t give a shit. You know, Louis C.K. wrote an op-ed part, while he was, jerking off next to women, calling Trump Hitler? And it’s like,” Calm the fuck down .” It cleanses down what Hitler did. A guy who let the Mob take away garbage because you have to? The naivete of these people. If you build a building in New York, you have to deal with the Mob. Trump knows that. Ted Cruz lost so many polls during the course of its primaries when he attacked him on that.

Mandy: What do “youre thinking about” the porn star Stormy Daniels and Trump? I guess he asked her to spank him with a transcript of Forbes .

Artie: Well, I imagine I’ve done worse. Comparing him to Harvey Weinstein? That’s a fetish. Listen, if Trump has raped someone, of course I detest his guts.

Mandy: So for you, what has the reaction been to your latest near-death experience? From everything that I’ve read on Twitter and Reddit and YouTube, I feel like half the devotees are saying,” I don’t want to watch him is killed anymore ,” and like,” I’ve stopped believing him .”

Artie: The fact that I haven’t got it yet is hard to understand. I think they’re very disappointed in me. It was an easier sell at 30 than it was at 50.

Mandy: What’s the best sobriety advice you’ve received, do you think?

Artie: To not induce my Higher Power” my career” or another human being because it can disappoint you.

Mandy : b> Do you believe in God? Do you pray?

Artie: You know, I’ll give you something I’ve never told anybody. So my father was preoccupied with Houdini the magician, and Houdini was obsessed with the occult. Houdini always tried to contact the other side, like dead relatives. So Houdini said,” If I succumb, let’s have a word. If the psychic tells you the word, you are familiar with, we talk .” So my father said, when he was lying in couch, he had the plan to kill himself, but I didn’t know that. He said,” Let’s do that .” I move, “OK.” “His fathers”, who I never knew, died when he was 11. He got shot in front of him. “His fathers” ran at a factory. The Otis Elevator Company in Newark. It was a bookie, I guess. But he said,” Let’s make it’ Otis .'”

So I’m in rehab this latest period, few weeks ago. And I’m in the van, which the hilarious security guards call” The Druggie Buggie .” Or” The Loser Cruiser ,” that’s what they call it in jail. So I’ve just come out of the shit, with the withdrawal proportion, and I appeared better, I guess. It was a beautiful period. Where I ran in Connecticut, it was like a Christmas card, it was unbelievably beautiful. And I said,” I feel better this time .” I felt really good. The sky was clear. I was with people I like, and they both said out of nowhere,” I think you’re going to make it this time .” And I said,” I guess I gotta believe like that .” And I stretched over, and there was a vehicle that said ” Otis” on it. The elevator at the rehab that never transgressed, they said, when I told them the tale, the Otis Elevator Company was repairing the elevator. Listen, I don’t believe in any of that shit, but that is the most spiritual thing that’s ever happened to me. I tell my mother that, and clearly she’s religious, and she goes, “Dad’s talking to you.” I’m telling you, that was fucking freaky. So you know, just at that moment, when I had hope and I seemed up and it was a clear sky and it says “Otis,” I was just like, “Jesus Christ.”

Read more: https :// www.thedailybeast.com/ artie-lange-is-not-ready-to-die-fck-em-all

from https://bestmovies.fun/2018/01/26/artie-lange-is-not-ready-to-die-fck-em-all/

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The Sunday Post is a weekly meme originally from Caffeinated Book Reviewer. It’s a chance to share News. A post to recap the past week, showcase books and things I have received and share news about what is coming up for the week on my blog.

These past two weeks have been crazy with work… I’m so really, really tired right now. And my body isn’t helping me =/ … This weekend I took some days off, because of big planning, but not all plans got green light… To give a recap of the past two weeks:

Monday May 8th was a day of celebration as Feyenoord won the national championship for the first time in 18 years!!!! Wanted to be in Rotterdam on the Coolsingel like over 150k people, but my bf had to work and didn’t know my family was going [read it afterwards, damnit!!] So we did go to the fanshop in the morning and got the special champions edition t-shirts, flag and scarf from Feyenoord and I got my football shorts from this season after all [my size was mostly sold out]… The new Feyenoord dress will come soon… It was a very happy and emotional day =]

Oh Trump can learn something from the Feyenoord fans: This is how we celebrate Feyenoord winning the championship… Over 160 thousand people in the centre of Rotterdam and a regionwide alert from the police not to come anymore [2 hours before the official celebration started] because the city was full!! Some people slept on the Coolsingel to be there… Some flew in from Australia ;] That’s how you celebrate… This is Feyenoord, a club well love by many, many people [L] Feyenoord ’till I die!!

On Tuesday I finally got to go to the hair salon and get my hair colour fixed [with a ombre colouring], so now the difference between my blond and natural colour aren’t that obvious when my hair grows again.. Was as nice as ever getting my hair done for like 3,5 hours hahaha.. Worked the late shift after that.

Wednesday is my school night. Normally I don’t work on Wednesdays, but my colleague asked me, so worked the early shift before racing to school.

Thursday I finally went to the cinema with my mom-in-law again.. We wanted to go see Beauty & the Beast, but for some reason they fucked up the agenda since the week before.. So we went to King Arthur instead!! It’s such a good movie =] Went to Taekwondo at night again. Had been a long time, because of the knee injury in February… The ligament was doing okay again, but the flu and work interfered some weeks too…

The weekend I worked in the kitchen again and burned myself again hahaha. I’m clumsy and knew it was going to happen like a lot… whoops haha

Monday and Tuesday were late shifts in the ice cream salon again…. But I got some bad news from my doctor =[ I noticed some pain again on the other side of my knee since the Friday before.. It seems my ligaments and meniscus are damaged… Didn’t have any direct trauma, so my guess is that my knee sucks for like the past 8 years [every fall or accident was on my right knee] and the fact I’ve been unemployed for almost 2 years and now am working my ass off.. It may be a combination of overusing my knee and the damage from at least the past 8 years…. But the advice was to get myself a knee brace… =/ Have to wear it 10 whole days, 2 weeks at work and at least 3 months while doing sports…

On Wednesday I got the brace, it was 32 degrees Celsius here =o… Nice timing from my body, like always…… I did have to work extra in the ice cream salon, because of the temperature and race to school after again…. And was pissed off at school, my model didn’t show up and ignored all my messages [even sent her one in the morning so not to forget]… So had to give  my exercise head a transformation =o It was kind off scary to do hahaha from a bob to a hair cut with a length of 5cm everywhere…

Last Thursday and Friday working again, on T in the ice cream salon and on F in the kitchen… Had a weird-ass accident on Thursday…. We have a net to cover the ice cream in the ice cream showcase which is held in place by two curved pieces of metal… They’re not sharp at all, but I managed to get on of them half a centimeter deep in my hand between my ring-finger and my pinkie… Did not hurt at all then.. Like wtf, how did I manage to do that?!?!?!

So on Friday I was working in the kitchen, prepping from noon and making pizzas in the evening… I was so tired after work… But on Saturday I made plans with my parent-in-law to sell our old junk at a flee market… I was NOT prepared to leave home at 6.20am… Had to collect stuff on Friday night, while being half asleep lol and woke at 5.40am…. I also happened to have two weird ass nights in a row [like turning my light on while sleeping and cancelling my sleep tracker in my sleep….] But I woke up and did sell a bit… Did sleep in a car for like 15 minutes in the afternoon hahaha…. Still so tired…

So today, Sunday May 21… Slept like a baby and according to my bf snored like a construction worker hahahahahahahaaha.. Woke up, had breakfast and slept for another 2 hours on the sofa…. So damn tired… Physically I’m still very tired… Mentally I don’t register a lot hahahaa, I only half listen to what is said, forget everything and can’t focus a lot… But hey, can’t blame me with working this much… longest in a row these past two weeks is 8 days… Starting tomorrow will be working 16 days in a row..

This was a very long recap haha, but had a lot to share… Hopefully I can share some more in the form of reviews and such in the coming days/weeks… Even my reading suffers under this amount of work =/

But you guys have a lovely and beautiful week XoXo

This weeks posts:

….. none ='[

Coming next week:

Really not sure if I can find the time and/or energy AND have access to the laptop.. Hope I will post anything, but not gonna make promises I’m not sure I’ll be able to keep..

Like I said my reading has suffered because of work… I did manage to finish Flame in the Mist by Renée Ahdieh and start Glass Sword by Victoria Aveyard.. Currently at 2/3rd of the book… Hoping to get some progress done and finish some more on my TBR this month… But I doubt it… whoops..

Okay, this post won’t include the specific dates I’ve watched things… Because of the work chaos, I really can’t remember hahaha… So I’ll only state the episodes and movies I watched =]

OMG I just noticed I deleted the rest of S3 of Elementary because it appeared on Netflix… But I already watched like 11 episodes of S4… Now I get why I didn’t get it… omggggggg…. Now I need to watch the rest of S3 before continuing with S4… I feel so stupid xD

Because I love these series/movies:

Gotham S2E19: Azrael

Gotham S2E20: Unleashed

Gotham S2E21: A Legion of Horribles

Gotham S2E22: Transference

Elementary S4E1: The Past is Parent

Elementary S4E2: Evidence of Things Not Seen

Elementary S4E3: Tag, You’re Me

Elementary S4E4: All My Exes Live in Essex

Elementary S4E5: The Games Underfoot

Elementary S4E6: The Cost of Doing Business

Elementary S4E7: Miss Taken

Elementary S4E8: A Burden of Blood

Elementary S4E9: Murder Ex Machina

Elementary S4E10: Alma Matter

Elementary S4E11: Down Where the Dead Delight

Underworld: Rise of the Lycans [2009]

King Arthur: Legend of the Sword [2017]

With my boyfriend:

Last Man Standing S2E12: Quarterback Boyfriend

Last Man Standing S2E13: What’s in a Name?

Last Man Standing S2E14: Buffalo Bill Day

Documentary: Dirks Droom [Dirk’s Dream [Dirk Kuyt]]

In case you’ve missed these:

Sunday Post #40. May 7

The Masterpiecers. [Masterful #1]

The Masterpiecers. [Masterful #1]

Sunday Post #38 & #39. April 23 & 30

Most Anticipated Releases May 2017.

Sunday Post #41 & #42. May 14 & May 21 The Sunday Post is a weekly meme originally from Caffeinated Book Reviewer. It’s a chance to share News.

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Artie Lange Is Not Ready to Die: F*ck Em All

Its hard being friends with the notoriously demon-plagued comedian Artie Langewhich, full disclosure, I am. This is in no way objective. I truly want the guy to live.

I first interviewed Lange in 2006 as part of the New York Posts coverage of the annual New York Comedy Festival. He had just sold out Carnegie Hall in a few hours and was on top of the world. Over the next few years, we met at comedy clubs from time to time. I mentioned how healthy he looked in a May 2009 Page Six item about his visiting Colin Quinns one-man show (which he mentioned in his book Crash and Burn). When I interviewed him again on Oct. 30, 2009, it was a longer talk this time, with a few insights that surprised me. He talked about the game comics play of initially sabotaging a set with the audience, then seeing if you can dig yourself out of that hole. I asked if he had ever thought that he might be playing the same game with his own life. You should be a shrink, he said.

Sixty-nine days later, I heard the news, like anyone else who follows Lange: that he was near death after stabbing himself in the stomach nine times with a 13-inch kitchen knife.

Then on Sept. 27, 2010, I got a call from comedian Dan Naturman, who told me all about Arties triumphant return at the Comedy Cellar, which led to an incredibly feel-good lead item in Page Six called: Artie Lange Thrills Audiences Again.

I interviewed him several more times over the years, and when my husband Pat Dixon, who is also a comedian, started his own show in 2015 at Compound Media, run by controversial radio legend Anthony Cumia, I told Artie that he ought to consider joining the network. To my surpriseand unrelated to me telling him that, as the pairing of two Sirius refugees is a no-brainer for anyone who follows shock-jock radioin August 2017, he started a new show with Cumia called The AA Show. Now, not only did Lange have a regular broadcasting outlet, but the HBO series Judd Apatow and Pete Holmes enlisted him in called Crashing, where he played himself, was a bona fide hit. His third book, Wanna Bet?, was inked, his standup was doing well, and so if you were doing any kind of predictive sequence, what happened next was no surprise.

Oct. 16, 2017: Artie Lange rushed to hospital, cancels weekend show. Dec. 13, 2017: Artie Lange Arrested After Missing Court Date for Drug Charges. Dec. 15, 2017: Artie Lange Headed to Rehab on Private Jet After Drug Charge.

Less than a month later, on Jan. 12, Lange returned home to New York and tweeted out to his 364,000 followers: Im back guys. Clean & Sober 32 days.

On Jan. 18, after celebrating Dave Attells birthday (Artie just turned 50 himself), Lange met me in between sets at New York Citys Olive Tree Cafe. To avoid the requests for photos from fans and occasional paparazzi, we sat in his SUV and drove around the city for an hour and a half before returning to the comedy club. With one hand on the steering wheel and one on an unlit Marlboro Red, Lange talked about everything from Harvey Weinstein to Donald Trump to Louis C.K. to Aziz Ansari to the fundamental question at hand:

Artie Lange doesnt want to die… right?

The following interview has been condensed and edited for clarity.

Mandy: So I guess Im wondering at what point all of this is enough to get you to stop. Like, for instance, I have a friend who if he did cocaine one more time, the doctors told him his nose would collapse

Artie: Well half of my nose is gone. My nose has no septum. I mean Ive been snorting coke and heroin

Mandy: When was the last time you did coke or heroin?

Artie: Well I just pissed clean at Hazelden so thats 38 days. But heres the thing: 31 of them were in lockdown. So nows the real work. And Im not going to lie to you, its a struggle lying there every night.

Mandy: Whats the longest youve ever been clean?

Artie: Since I was 15, 11 months. And two weeks in my twenties.

Mandy: Do you take, what is it, methadone?

Artie: No, no. I was on methadone years ago. There was a methadone clinic on Eighth and 35th, and I would go there before Howard. They would give it out to me, like special, at 5:30 a.m. I had to stop doing heroin because I was losing my job. They gave me the methadone. Its fucking heroin, basically. I left during interviews to throw up. And I said, Well this is worse than fucking heroin, so why dont I stay on that. I take Suboxone now. Suboxone works well for me, and its accepted by society. It looks like a pill you take for blood pressure every morning, so thats how Ive got to look at it. It lets you not go cold turkey.

Aziz Im sorry is a better name. I dont have any respect for Aziz Ansari. Im glad nobody got raped.

Artie Lange

Mandy: You detoxed cold turkey in jail this last time?

Artie: Ive been in jail like eight times, and this past time, I detoxed. I kicked heroin, like lying on the floor. When I got arraigned, you always want to be very respectful in front of the judge. She was like, What are you doing? And Im thinking to myself, Well, your honor, Im dead. And you know, Im trying to stand up. Withdrawal, the physical stuff, people would see the first or the second day of withdrawals, girlfriends would say, Well, that was really bad. And Im like, You saw the opening act. That was The Clash. That was David Johansen. The Who is about to take the stage. The third or fourth day of heroin withdrawal, if youre a big user like I became, if youre not physically stopped from getting dope, youll get it. With heroin, I became an addict on the road. I always had money. Ive never had to steal. I dont judge those people. Like people say to me, Have you ever blown a guy for heroin? I say, No. But then again, no ones ever asked.

Mandy: If you do fall off the wagon again, are you scared of fentanyl at all?

Artie: No. A real heroin addict is not scared of fentanyl. Id do it in a heartbeat. I want strong shit.

Mandy: Have you seen the tiny amount it takes to kill you?

Artie: I dont know what it is, but draw it back one inch. I would accept fentanyl in a heartbeat. I had a fentanyl patch on in a mental home. It was unbelievable. Ive never ODed. Ive had dealers say, Jesus Christ. What the fuck. But the nose is bad now. I could get a brain infection. If I did it, anything would go right to the brain. But again, I heard that six months ago, and I went and used an hour after.

Mandy: So I mean… you must want to die.

Artie: No, I dont want to die. I want to be high.

Mandy: But that will eventually kill you.

Artie: Im 50. If you would have told me in 1995, if you tried to bring up 2018, it would be like The Jetsons. Id be like, What are you talking about?

Mandy: So youre having fun on borrowed time.

Artie: Im playing with the houses money. As far as Im concerned, Im an overachiever. A lot of money changed hands on the internet when I turned 50. I was so happy. Fuck em all.

Mandy: But I mean… your mom and your sister. Theyre the main people who keep you from wanting to to be reckless with the houses money, right?

Artie: Yes thats the… thats the worst.

Mandy: I called your mom when you were practically in a coma these last few weeks, and her voice was just so heartbroken. I dont think she thought you were going to make it.

Artie: Yeah, you know, my father left us with nothing. I love my dad. He was my best friend. But my father was a criminal. My dad was an impulsive guy, and thats what killed him. Just like my father, with me, there are real high highs and real low lows. Like my mother saw me at Carnegie Hall, when my book went to No. 1 on The New York Times bestseller list, and I think [Barack] Obamas was like No. 7. She has that framed. But then shes also seen me withdrawing in jail.

Mandy: Your mom discovered you when you tried to kill yourself in 2010, right?

Artie: That was not a suicide attempt. I was in such bad withdrawals. Believe me, I leave a note. The one other time, I left a note. But shrinks go, Youve never tried to kill yourself. Because there was always a mountain of drugs involved. I was in such bad withdrawals, I wanted to feel something different. I was by myself. I wanted to lose enough blood to pass out. When I woke up, I dont know, I figured Id put on a red shirt and go out. I didnt know my mother was coming over. They had an intervention planned that I didnt even know about. I go, Ma, you never planned a surprise party.

Mandy: Does your mom talk to you every day?

Artie: Yeah, my mother knows me better than anybody, but I dont tell her when I slip. You know, when Dr. Drew offered me 250 grand to do Celebrity Rehab, I thought to myself, Do I just want to kill my mother now? Like its going to be me and Dennis Rodman throwing up in the same bucket. I love Dr. Drew, but I knew that show was going to go off the air because the recovery rate is like zero. If Pablo Escobar were alive today, hed be running a rehab. Its such a corrupt industry.

Mandy: You seem to still get offered drugs a lot. I think about that scene in Crashing where its the super hot woman from Showgirls who has coke and wants to do it with you.

Artie: Gina Gershon? Yeah, you know, that episode is based on one of my stories. And if the woman who inspired the episode figures it out, shed be very happy with the casting.

Mandy: Do you think it was a good idea to leave rehab early?

Artie: I have to do this intense outpatient thing which is five days a week. I go in there in the morning, and I get piss tests there. Screen Actors Guild doesnt let you do that to people. Like its almost an NFL union. You cant pee-test people. Not that Im complaining about it, but I dont get fired from shows because ultimately its a forgiving business for stuff like that. People always say its a forgiving business. And, its true. Robert Downey Jr. came back, and hes like the best actor ever. But for every one of him, theres like two thousand Jeff Conaways from Taxi living at a right angle and nobody cares and they die alone.

Mandy: Youre just working so much right now.

Artie: The one genre where I have some juice is the radio business, and you know Anthony Cumia, I love Anthony so much now. I never really met him before. Were both sort of outlaws. Without this podcasting technology you know we both would be out of a job now, probably. Its such a weird existence I have right now. Over on one side, Im doing this crazy podcast with Anthony on Compound Media that I love, and then Im on Crashing which is an HBO-produced show I love, but which could not be more the other way. Judd Apatow is another famous guy who saved my life. Like, what a great person. Ive got books and stand-up, and Im still making a lot of money doing it. If thats not going to go away, theres not much of an incentive to stay in rehab.

Mandy: And Im guessing, from what you said, you dont want to leave your mom with nothing. So what about a gig like the one with Anthony Cumia. Is that enabling or is that helping you stay clean?

Artie: Let me tell you something: I love doing it. Its almost like therapy. A lot of people dont understand a comics mind. People are like, Youre going to jump right into stand-up? Yeah, thats what I have to do. I cant stop doing it. And Anthonys show is like from 4 p.m. to 6 p.m. Its the most fun Ive ever had in my life. Even more fun than Howard. Because I was never uncensored on Howard. Its his show. Its Howard. So what was happening near the end when his life changed, he would meet somebody in the Hamptons, and we wouldnt know about it. Like me and Fred [Norris, the longest tenured Howard Stern staff member] wouldnt know about it. And then hed be friends with them, like somebody we bashed for 10 years. So Id say something about Richard Gere, and hed go, You got a problem with him? Id go, Havent we always had a problem with him? No, I had dinner with him. Well, can I get the memo? I dont give a shit. Ill put him on the fucking list. But I wouldnt not be able to make fun of Orlando Bloom. The show, I couldnt be on now. And he knew that.

Mandy: Anthony probably does a better Howard impression than Howard at this point.

Artie: Well the thing about Anthony is that hes the same guy off-air. But its not true for Howard. Howards a very fascinating guy. He must have an IQ north of 180. But the example I always use is that Hunter S. Thompson was a guy who destroyed like the wealthy and corporate America, and he walked the walk until the end of his life. He was a crazy maniac in Colorado and shot himself in the head. And Howard was like that for a while. He was making fun of all these people, and when he got a chancelike no one else has become an A-list person through the radiobut when he got a chance to be with those people, fans thought hes going to be like Hunter S. Thompson. Like you see them through the window eating, and hes going to bust through the window or moon them or something. And when he got the chance, like Jennifer Anistons wedding, he starts making out with Orlando Bloom.

Mandy: Metaphorically.

Artie: Right. And to me as a fan, its like, what the fuck have we been laughing at all this time? Me and my first girlfriend at the time Dana [Sironi], she was close with Beth [Ostrosky Stern]. And Beth is a sweetheart. I dont want to make it sound like Im bitter. I still love Howard.

Mandy: Who are the people from the Stern show you keep in touch with?

Artie: Well, theyre not allowed to call me. I swear to God, Ive had people tell me from the show they were worried they were talking to me. Look, Im a person whos impulsive, and I get very angry and I say things I shouldnt say. Its hurt me my whole life, and Im a junkie.

Mandy: You tweeted a few days ago, Look out Marci. Im talking to Howard without your permission, referring to his high-profile handler Marci Turk. Did you actually talk to Howard Stern?

Artie: No, I dont talk to Howard. We hate each others guts. He cant stand me for some reason, and Ive learned to hate him.

Mandy: Whats your reaction to Louis C.K.? And now everyones talking about the story that was written about Aziz Ansari.

Artie: Aziz Im sorry is a better name. I dont have any respect for Aziz Ansari. Im glad nobody got raped. But you know, I agree with Samantha Bee when she says it doesnt have to be rape to ruin somebodys life. Thats true. And what Louis did is despicable. That was a rumor for a long time. But if youre a couple of women at the Aspen Comedy Festival, youve got a lot going on, probably. And theres this comedian, who back then he wasnt famous, but hes always been respected, and they certainly knew him. And hes promising them shit supposedly, and its just because he wants to jerk off in front of them. Its just the creepiest thing ever. Louis was always overrated to me. He has like five jokes hes written that I like. But you know Ill go along with it, if it gets me spots. I just think hes overrated. To me, it was like the emperors new clothes came off. In the hotel room.

Mandy: Have you had any women approach you with any kind of Me Too moment, something they wanted to confront you about?

Artie: A girl? No. I mean, some people think Im a misogynist because of stuff on the Stern show. You know Ive never told anybody this, but this is how my family feels about sex predators: After I told my father about a high-school teacher hurting a girl I knew, the way my dad dealt with it was by waiting outside the teachers house, putting a bag over the guys head, and leaving him in a car for two days. My dad came back, disguised his voice, and he said, Stop fucking touching little girls. Im not condoning how he handled it, but thats just the truth. My father thought that was justified. You know, there are people who think Goodfellas is horrible. We think its a comedy. My momshe is the strongest woman in my lifeand she and my sister are my heroes. Any woman whos ever dated me will tell you, Im like, Are you sure? Can we get this in writing and an email from you? I think in Hollywood, its a case of these nerdy guys who dont know what to do with a woman, and they get a chance to do it, and they do something inappropriate. Like Ive never been a Casanova but Ive always been able to get a date. I think the more time you stay asexual in your adult life, you get creepier.

Mandy: Ive had several comics over the years tell me about their personal dislike for Aziz based on his standoffish behavior. Do you think theres any schadenfreude right now as he is coming under fire?

Artie: Im probably one of those guys. I thought he could follow me on Bitter. I dont like bashing of comedians in general. I hated the Dane Cook-bashing thing. And Dane goes on to make all that money, and that bitterness comes out. Then his brother steals millions of dollars from him. I wish Dane well. And you know, I think Aziz gets a lot of that bitterness, too. You know, his timing is perfect for comedy. But what he does at the Comedy Cellar is not going to endear him to anybody. What he does there, he sits in the corner like a young Dylan writing jokes, and he can do that at home. We get it. Youre a hard worker. But I guess were going to have to get over that, because a new generation of people is coming.

I think he was trying to figure out a way to get rid of me. I did the job for him, but I dont think he was rooting for it.

Artie Lange on Howard Stern

Mandy: Do you think that Crashing captures the changing culture in comedy at all?

Artie: Judd is so great at what he does, and so is Pete [Holmes]. The way Judd lets you improvise, and the money… see Ive never been involved in something that you might call a hit. Except the Stern show, but that was very different. Judd is so successful. The money HBO is spending. They shot it like a playyou dont have to do over-the-shoulder stuff. And the way that I talk and work, it was way better for me. Judd knew that. Like the scene in the pizzeria, Judd read my book, which was flattering, and he said, Just tell me stories about your life, about what can happen off-stage, so like the ghost of Christmas future. Comedy future. I think its great, because Judd lets us talk.

Mandy: I was relistening today to your very first Howard Stern appearance. And Stern is joking, saying, You need coke. Youre a lot better on it. He also says, Go out and get into more trouble, and well have you back on.

Artie: I know. But you cant blame anyone else for any of this. Howards genius is seeing which way the wind is blowing in society and acting accordingly. I think he noticed after the Janet Jackson thing, we started getting fined for stupid shit. Were getting $500,000 fines for jokes Im making about farting. The guy is a genius at marketing and comedymore so in marketing. I think he saw over time the way the show was going, and that it would not be conducive to have me on it. But he also knew that I was popular. I think he was trying to figure out a way to get rid of me. I did the job for him, but I dont think he was rooting for it. I think he conquered that era of radio with me. I wouldnt fit in now at all. I cant stand Gwyneth Paltrow. The contrast between the old shows is crazy. Like if you listen to shows we did of us talking about Jennifer Aniston or Ellen DeGeneres dancing in the 2000s. He said Aniston was a cunt. Even I was like, Jesus, it must be personal. Now he goes to her wedding.

Mandy: So whats going on with your health? The diabetes has gotten really bad? Have you had to amputate anything?

Artie: God no. The rumors have gotten really bad, havent they? No, the diabetes is under control every time I go to the hospital. But the thing is, its a confusing disease. One day a Twinkie could save your life, and another day it could kill you. Im not a good preparer so thats why I was bad in school. I was like, Lets get the fuck out of here and get to life. Which comedy lets you do. But yeah, with diabetes, youre supposed to measure your blood sugar every time before you eat. Im like, What the fuck, are you kidding me? Im going to take my blood sugar in the parking lot of McDonalds? Its bad, but when I go to the hospital they get me under control. So now its under control. Its fine, actually. But you know, give me two months out of the hospital and my blood sugar is higher than my credit score. Thats the signifier of a loser. They also put me on the liver list. I needed a new liver. But I went to a medical clinic someone recommended, and they gave me this special shit they put in the saline, it cost like $80,000, and my liver enzymes were like 900, which is like Mickey Mantle at the end of his life. And it went to normal, completely normal. My kidneys, my liver are all fine. The doctor said, Youve got the bloodwork, despite the diabetes, of an Olympic athlete.

Mandy: Have you thought about going down to Hippocrates Health Institute, where a lot of entertainment industry people have gone?

Artie: I did that once. Yeah, my sister found out about it. You need a prescription for an apple. I ran away from that in 2008. Howard said, go away for as long as you need to. Eight days in with these two other guys who were Stern fans who would have done anything for me, we just escaped in the one guys car. I got a $3,500 room at the Setai in South Beach, and I got a hooker and a bunch of pancakes. And I called into the show and said I have whiskey and pancakes with this Ecuadorian hooker, and he put me on the air. So I left early from that, and I was out of control. And Howard didnt think I was going to die or anything. You know, Chris Rock came in once and said, Howard, I think youve got to fire Artie. I love him. But he needs consequences.

Mandy: I guess my take is, from observing you from afar, youve said, Im clean so many times, and that youre always somebody who is going to use.

Artie: People think that I want to be someone who uses. I dont. I mean, I remember in Little League when I didnt use anything, I was very happy. When I am emphatic about it, in my personal life, I dont lie to friends of mine. But I can think of a lot of reasons why you dont tell your boss youre doing heroin, and why I lied to Howard Stern. Theres also a misconception I hate that Howard didnt care about me. He tried to get me help. Several times he said to me, Take as long as you want, and when you come back you have a job.

Mandy: So do you think some of the drug abuse comes from massive, massive self-hatred? That was the case for me, I know, and many addicts.

Artie: Thats interesting. Listen, Bernie Brillstein was talking to Norm Macdonald and me once. Hes the legendary manager who managed [John] Belushi, and he managed Chris Farley. And he supposedly said to Belushi and Farleyits funny he had guilt that he said this to Belushi, and 20 years later he said it again to mehe said, Well, whatd you get into show business for? Not to fuck hookers and do drugs? I was brought up on Sam Kinison and Richard Pryor. With Richard Pryor, I wanted to do almost everything he did, short of burning himself. And thats a terrible thing to think, but I got the opportunity, and I made every mistake you could make. I was like, Why not? The first time we went to Las Vegas with Howard, I fucked 11 strippers in four days. We were like the Rolling Stones going in there. Two years on MadTV aint exactly the Rolling Stones. The stuff Ive done with Norm Im so proud of because it was Norm, but it was never like a big hit. Like Dirty Work has become a little bit of a cult thing, which Im proud of. But with the Stern show, this was like rock-star shit. We flew into Vegas on a private jet, and theres a line around the block, and its all for us. Howard is married. Fred is married. Everyones married, and then theres me. The strippers going down her list, and she says, I guess Ill fuck him.

Mandy: Do you still talk to Norm Macdonald?

Artie: We communicate with text, like everybody else. He put a very nice thing in his book about me. He called me the last time, and he said, you gotta stop doing this. He was worried about me. I love Norm. Norm saved my whole career. Out of nowhere. I was about to start driving a cab again. I got the call for Dirty Work, and that led to everything else. Norm. Howard. Quincy Jones, who gave me MadTV. And Judd now. These are famous guys. [Bruce] Springsteen called me. And Apatow said to me, he said, You must be a really bad addict going back to this shit after all these people, your heroes, saved you. Hes right. I mean, Quincy Jones saved my fucking life. He also got me these insane privileges in L.A. County. Like my own shower. And I asked Quincy, How do you have so much sway in prison? He said, I made Thriller.

Mandy: So why do you go back to the drugs after you get clean each time? Is it the boredom?

Artie: Its the anger. Ill give you an example. Its a story I kind of keep on the down-low, but there was this girl that I dated in San Diego. She worked at an agency as an assistant. She was 23. I was 28, and I was on MadTV. And she was pregnantshe got pregnant, found out it was a boy. I was all excited, and she was scared to death because of how I had been living. Me at that age makes this look like Mr. Rogers. So the first place we made out was Zuma Beach, and she said, Lets go to that place. I want to tell you something. Shes crying, and she says, I had an abortion. I was mad, and I said, Why? And she said, You know, Artie, youre going to make your mark in this business, but I hope you do it before you die. And I cant deal with that.

Mandy: So anger is often the cause of relapses for you? Anger at the world?

Artie: It is a strange world. Its like rereading the Unabomber Manifesto its kind of like, I get it now. I dont agree with how he went about it, but he was clearly on the money about technology. Or look at the movie Network. That one scene, he lays everything out about what is to come.

Mandy: When do you find out if youre going to jail?

Artie: Feb. 23. You know, if they want to send me away for being a junkie, thats fine. The judge was very fair. Very smart. I dont know if she was a big fan of mine, but thats all right.

Mandy: When do you think you were happiest in your life?

Artie: You know, its funny. When I was broke, when I left the port as a longshoreman, and I decided to drive into New York City one night, I was 19 years old. When I started doing well, I was driving a cab, I was broke, trying to help my mother out. We were about to lose the house. And I told her I could go back to the port. She said I could keep doing it. But you know, I was happier during the struggle because of hope. I was 23, broke, driving a cab, parking a cab in front of The Comic Strip, which was the first place I passed. I would have [Joe] Matarese or [Dave] Attell watch the car. I was happier then, I swear to God.

Mandy: Hollywood can be fairly crushing. So many transactional relationships and people who dont care if you live or die and want to use you.

Artie: At the Stern show, I saw how toxic that entire environment was. You have some people who are without talent who just leached onto Howard. Talentless guys whose entire life is based on pleasing that one person. I saw people who werent comedians who thought they could sit in that chair and do what I did. When I went down with the heroin thing, they were clearly making statements about it. Like if I died, they would have been almost happy about it, I guarantee it. I saw the sharks swimming like Ive never seen before. I thought I knew a lot about people in a non-naive way coming into that job, but man, the way people wanted what I did for a living. What pissed me off is that they thought they could do it. And you know, theres a reason that chair stayed empty. Im done being humble with some things. That chair isnt empty completely because Howard felt like it; that chair is empty because he knows no one can do what I did. There are people who are funnier than me, but theres no one who would have been as honest, and no one who knows that show better. I left a lot of blood on that fucking floor, man. I told stories that cost me relationships with some people, and I didnt realize it. I almost got arrested. The DEA came to the fucking show because of something I said on the air, in their fucking windbreakers, to grill me about Heath Ledger because they thought we had the same heroin dealer. Im like, Why the fuck do you think that? I guess theres reasons they could. There was a security guy who worked the door, and he saw the whole thing, and he said, Artie, you are one entertaining fuckup.

Mandy: What do you think of Donald Trump, who used to do the Howard Stern Show quite a bit?

Artie: I love Trump. Ive had like four times when I interacted with him. I roasted him. Trump said I was the best of the night, but then Howard is so smart, he told me to tell the joke that was making fun of him in business. I do, and then Trump goes, Artie was the worst of the roast. He bombed. I had a CNN guy call me about it, and I said, Im not doing it. Because Im fucking rooting for him. And I golfed with him and Eli Manning once at his club. I did nothing but laugh along with him. Then I saw him at Howards wedding. Howard had bought out Le Cirque. But it was still small. I had played Carnegie Hall at this point, but it was so nerve-wracking. Billy Joel and his wife were there, two feet from me. Howard. Trump and Melania. Barbara Walters, Joan Rivers, Chevy Chase. It was a tough room, you know. And I killed. The first joke was how much Beth looks like Christie Brinkley, so I made a Billy Joel joke. And thank God he laughed at it. But Howard was drunk, and doing that great Howard laugh. I loved making Howard laugh. But Trump came up to me afterward, because other people spoke and kind of bombed, and he shook my hand, and he said, That was a very hard thing to do, and you were amazing. He respected that even though I look like a slob he could tell I worked hard. Because, yeah, you think I walked into Stern because I won a lottery? So I always respected the guy.

Whether youre for him or not, what he represents is that this country can vote out politicians and elect a game show host because theyre pissed off about stuff. You know, there are two guys on that Billy Bush tape. One guy apologized. The other guy didnt. One guys working at a gift shop in Kennebunkport. The other guys president. The fucking country likes alpha males. The Midwest does, I know that. And the stuff with the Mexicans. He didnt say he hates all Mexicans. He told the truth about the drug problem. How do you think I get dope? Trump just doesnt give a shit. You know, Louis C.K. wrote an op-ed piece, while he was, jerking off next to women, calling Trump Hitler? And its like, Calm the fuck down. It washes down what Hitler did. A guy who let the Mob take away garbage because you have to? The naivete of these people. If you build a building in New York, you have to deal with the Mob. Trump knows that. Ted Cruz lost so many votes during the primaries when he attacked him on that.

Mandy: What do you think of the porn star Stormy Daniels and Trump? I guess he asked her to spank him with a copy of Forbes.

Artie: Well, I think Ive done worse. Comparing him to Harvey Weinstein? Thats a fetish. Listen, if Trump has raped someone, of course I hate his guts.

Mandy: So for you, what has the reaction been to your latest near-death experience? From everything that Ive read on Twitter and Reddit and YouTube, I feel like half the fans are saying, I dont want to watch him kill himself anymore, and like, Ive stopped believing him.

Artie: The fact that I havent got it yet is hard to understand. I think theyre disappointed in me. It was an easier sell at 30 than it was at 50.

Mandy: Whats the best sobriety advice youve received, do you think?

Artie: To not make my Higher Power my career or another human being because it can disappoint you.

Mandy: Do you believe in God? Do you pray?

Artie: You know, Ill give you something Ive never told anybody. So my father was obsessed with Houdini the magician, and Houdini was obsessed with the occult. Houdini always tried to contact the other side, like dead relatives. So Houdini said, If I die, lets have a word. If the psychic tells you the word, you know, we talk. So my father said, when he was lying in bed, he had the plan to kill himself, but I didnt know that. He said, Lets do that. I go, OK. His father, who I never knew, died when he was 11. He got shot in front of him. His father worked at a factory. The Otis Elevator Company in Newark. It was a bookie, I guess. But he said, Lets make it Otis.

So Im in rehab this latest time, several weeks ago. And Im in the van, which the hilarious security guards call The Druggie Buggie. Or The Loser Cruiser, thats what they call it in jail. So Ive just come out of the shit, with the withdrawal part, and I looked better, I guess. It was a beautiful day. Where I went in Connecticut, it was like a Christmas card, it was unbelievably beautiful. And I said, I feel better this time. I felt really good. The sky was clear. I was with people I like, and they both said out of nowhere, I think youre going to make it this time. And I said, I guess I gotta think like that. And I stretched over, and there was a car that said Otis on it. The elevator at the rehab that never broke, they said, when I told them the story, the Otis Elevator Company was repairing the elevator. Listen, I dont believe in any of that shit, but that is the most spiritual thing thats ever happened to me. I tell my mother that, and clearly shes religious, and she goes, Dads talking to you. Im telling you, that was fucking freaky. So you know, just at that moment, when I had hope and I looked up and it was a clear sky and it says Otis, I was just like, Jesus Christ.

Read more: https://www.thedailybeast.com/artie-lange-is-not-ready-to-die-fck-em-all

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