#I will say a lot of the time I think people psych themselves out too much over character designs

[chocostrwberry]

Okay does anyone else find it strange that you can be Akumatized against your will??

Like once Hawkmoth has you as his target it’s pretty much game over because it takes A LOT to fight the control of an akuma.

Idk non-consensual akumatization is like?? Strangely overpowered and it’s also super uncomfortable for me.

SO IN THIS PRESENTATION I WILL EXPLAIN HOW IT CHANGES IN CHOCOAU-

If Hawkmoth wants to akumatize you, he has to convince you to let him do it. It would kind of have the holder be more persuasive.

Hawkmoth’s main technique is using promises. He would try and convince you that there is nothing that can be done about the way you are feeling or what had happened WITHOUT his help. He’s the only one who can cure your despair, and he’ll do it if you take Chat Noir and Ladybug’s miraculous.

Madame Morphosis (Butterfly Lila) uses your own emotions. She would try and “hype you up” if that makes sense. She’ll tell you how unfair your life is, or how awful you feel, and say how it’s too much for you to bear. Then, she’ll tell you if you bring her Ladybug’s miraculous, you’ll have the power to never feel this way again, or get back at whoever wronged you, etc.

Even though it takes persuasion to Akumatized, that doesn’t make it easier for the person to resist.

When a butterfly enters your Akumatized object, the emotions you’re feeling in the moment basically double. It’s all you can feel, all you can think about.

So if you were sad about losing someone close to you, the grief and pain is amplified. In top of that, you have a voice that isn’t yours telling you he can make it go away if you bring him these two teens miraculous lmaooo.

I think that might also be a reason why Hawkmoth would target people feeling negative emotions. It’s easier to manipulate them since they’re vulnerable, and their akuma powers would be stronger the more intense they feel (Kagami and Chloe). More emotional people make stronger akumas, but harder to control.

So when Lila offers to help him get akumas by essentially tormenting people in her class and around her to break down their psyche, he happily welcomes the help.

ALSO: (kind of important for the AU)

Ladybug cannot cure akumas.

The only way an akuma can be cured is if

1. The Akumatized person gives up their object willingly.

This means that they let go of the akuma and their emotions themselves. Then, when the object is destroyed, the butterfly is white and that person cannot become Akumatized again.

2. The object is destroyed forcefully.

If an object is torn/destroyed and the akuma is freed without their consent, the butterfly still remains that cracked black/purple and person is at risk of becoming Akumatized again. It becomes their “personal butterfly” that is eager to take control again.

This is why Marinette’s kindness and compassion is so important as Ladybug. Most of the time, she needs to find a way to empathize with the Akumatized person in order to protect them from becoming Akumatized again! Take Hanabira. In that “episode”, she was able to talk with Kagami at the risk of her taking over the Louvre. Because her compassion worked, she surrendered her object to Ladybug, and from then on Kagami could no longer become Akumatized.

This is a method Ladybug definitely prefers, but of course it doesn’t work on everyone, which is why there are some repeat villains.

P.S.: Akumas can also be cured by loved ones, not always Ladybug. When Sabrina was Akumatized, Chloe was the one to cure her, and vice versa. Also when Alya was Akumatized, Nino talked her out of it. It’s dangerous for civilians to talk with akumas, but on the rare occasion it does work!

PLUS, Marinette being Akumatized early on would help with her being sympathetic towards other akumas. Like she KNOWS how Hawkmoth is using their emotions against them, like he did with her. She’s hecking LADYBUG and he got her.

She knows how easy it is to fall into the trap of being Akumatized. So she doesn’t view them as “weak” for getting Akumatized. People do things they otherwise wouldn’t have when they’re overwhelmed by what they feel in the moment. (Marinette was cured by Chat Noir btw, so she cannot become Akumatized again.)

And Sentimonsters cannot be Akumatized.

This is mainly directed towards Felix ofc, because he’s the only sentihuman in the AU!

[dootznbootz]

Odysseus was afraid the entire year on Aeaea in the Odyssey.

Content warnings: Rape, Sexual Coercion, Sexual assault, Sex Work, power dynamics, this will also be long as fuck as I talk too much. This is NOT a "Circe the Goddess Hate Post". I call her out but that's it. I tried to keep this neutral but still making a point (Let me know if I gotta put more)

Lots of lovely folks on here have written great essays on what Calypso did to Odysseus as it's soooo blatantly obvious there. It literally states how he cried every day and how he flinched from Calypso, very straightforward on how he was explicitly raped.

But I've noticed that a lot of people are always iffy about Circe's situation (understandably so, it's not so in your face.) She's usually always mentioned in the "Odysseus never cheated! He was raped!" posts but then the evidence is only ever given against Calypso, and then mentioning how you can't say no or disobey the orders of an immortal and how it was in exchange for freeing his men.

WHICH IS ALL CORRECT!!! But!!!

There ARE immortal/mortal couples who genuinely love each other. Dionysus and Ariadne, and Eros and Psyche are examples. Apollo and Hyacinthus. Psyche indeed becomes immortal eventually and in some versions, both Hyacinthus and Ariadne do too. But even while mortal themselves, their immortal lovers still remained respectful and loving towards them and definitely doted on them. There are definitely power dynamics at play here but there's some nuance.

Odysseus and Circe's relationship, however, is very different. We all know he slept with her at the very least once. And that was in exchange for his men being returned to humans. That was the only time it was explicitly stated. With Calypso, it tells you every night he was enchanted and slept beside her. It was the narrator speaking but Odysseus is the narrator now and it's his story. If you think he lied, this probably won't change your mind anyway.

But even if it was a one-time thing, (which isn't the only interpretation and I will have points that talk about others) then why did he stay a year? What was he doing?

I'm doing a deep dive into the year he spent on Aeaea based on evidence in Book 10 and then the beginning of Book 12. Step by step, and honestly I'm writing this for Tumblr, not as a thesis so I will be a bit more casual but still using sources. To me, it's very obvious that he was uncomfortable throughout the text simply based on the language that is used. But it's very subtle and not an outright statement of "He's been crying every day."

BTW, just so we're clear, this is not a "Circe is the root of all evil, etc." type of post.

This isn't meant to villainize her. She's an immortal being and in mythology that changes things. Everybody is morally gray. I genuinely think if we were to ask her feelings on it, she'd probably be like "Oh, yeah! Turned his men into pigs! Strange little man he was." I don't think she gave a flying fuck.

I just simply get pissed tf off when people think Odysseus was fine. It honestly disturbs me how often I'll go on other websites YouTube and see everyone call him a whore and a womanizer. It's sexism at its finest because 1.) "MaN AlwAyS wAnTs sEx" and 2.) women can't rape/coerce. THIS IS SIMPLY TO LOOK INTO HIS FEELINGS ABOUT IT.

This is also only for Homer's Odyssey, using different translations. If you want to discuss this, (I'd be happy to! Just be nice!) DON'T BRING UP ANY OTHER WORKS.

With all that out of the way, come yell with me 🤗

I've read multiple translations, as I know there's going to be bias depending on who's translating. And having done so, each one has basically the same situations described the same so that's nice for consistency. Also, there are some parts in the story that are vague and that we'll never have answers to.

Odysseus first simply sees the smoke from her chimney and then sends his men in, after drawing lots Eurylochus leads half of the men to check out the house. I mentioned here vaguely how the 2 immortals he sleeps with are both introduced while singing and weaving, which could be seen as an enchantment (which to me is most likely. They both possess magic and are goddesses). So I'm just gonna move past that. Just take a peek and come back or just know that enchantment was likely.

Next, I'll see people often joke on Tumblr about how

"Odysseus says that Polites is his best friend yet only mentions him once!"

I think Odysseus mentions his best friend, the one to jubilantly go in first, to show WHY he would go through with this. How much these comrades mean to him. That's his best friend, and there are approximately 20 others who are now pigs as well. Could you knowingly leave one of your best friends to live a life like that knowing you could've done something?

[...]Circe—and deep inside they heard her singing, lifting her spellbinding voice as she glided back and forth at her great immortal loom, her enchanting web a shimmering glory only goddesses can weave. Polites, captain of armies, took command, the closest, most devoted man I had: ‘Friends, there’s someone inside, plying a great loom, and how she sings—enthralling! The whole house is echoing to her song. Goddess or woman—let’s call out to her now!’ So he urged and the men called out and hailed her. She opened her gleaming doors at once and stepped forth, inviting them all in, and in they went, all innocence.

(Fagles, Book 10)

In the Odyssey, it's never mentioned why she turns people into animals. I think they were turned into pigs because, throughout the Iliad and Odyssey, Odysseus is often associated with boars. His men are associated with him, therefore: 🐖 Piggy. From what we know, the lads were just eating her food. With how much Xenia and hospitality are a large part of the story, they probably thought they were safe. They were GUESTS. This is especially welcome after the Cyclops and the Laestrygonians. And it literally says "All innocence". They were simply naive.

Then Eurylochus runs back, so terrified that he couldn't speak at first. He then begs Odysseus to just leave the men behind. Odysseus has shown that he does TRY to save his men when it is truly not reckless to do so.

But I shot back, ‘Eurylochus, stay right here, eating, drinking, safe by the black ship. I must be off. Necessity drives me on.’

(Fagles, Book 10)

Then the famous warning from Hermes. I've seen folks bring this up when talking about this. YES, he is literally commanded by Hermes to not refuse her if he wants his men back in basically every translation. It sounds like Circe was warned as well. When? We don't know, but it sounds like Hermes didn't pick "sides" here.

Strange that he was still like, "Sleep with each other" to both, because he could've been like, "Circe, there's this guy named Odysseus. When he comes to this island, change his men back." But who knows, maybe it was Circe's idea from the beginning and Hermes went along with it. Just food for thought.

Now here’s your plan of action, step by step. The moment Circe strikes with her long thin wand, you draw your sharp sword sheathed at your hip and rush her fast as if to run her through! She’ll cower in fear and coax you to her bed— but don’t refuse the goddess’ bed, not then, not if she’s to release your friends and treat you well yourself. But have her swear the binding oath of the blessed gods she’ll never plot some new intrigue to harm you, once you lie there naked— never unman you, strip away your courage!’

(Fagles, Book 10)

But that doesn't explain why he was there for a year afterward! Nor if he himself was okay with it, which is what I'm trying to delve into as he wasn't.

Also the knife thing? She's still immortal. It was meant to startle her. Her dad is Helios. Odysseus would've been toast, literally.

Also note this exchange wasn't a "Yippee! Hermes says I'm going to get laid!".

...just approaching the halls of Circe, my heart a heaving storm at every step, paused at her doors, the nymph with lovely braids— I stood and shouted to her there. She heard my voice, she opened the gleaming doors at once and stepped forth, inviting me in, and in I went, all anguish now …

(Fagles, Book 10)

Another translation by Ian Johnston, (they all say the same thing essentially but trying to make a point.)

I continued on to Circe’s home. As I moved on, my heart was turning over many gloomy thoughts. After I had walked up to the gateway                                                of fair-haired Circe’s house, I just stood there and gave a shout. The goddess heard my voice.                      She came out at once, opened her bright doors, and invited me inside. I entered, heart full of misgivings.

HE👏WAS👏SCARED! The tone is solemn and suspenseful. He was just told that without Hermes' help with the root, he wouldn't be able to survive and bring back his men. Circe was dangerous.

He made her swear not to harm him.

Straightaway she began to swear the oath that I required—never, she’d never do me harm—and when she’d finished, then, at last, I mounted Circe’s gorgeous bed …

(Fagles, Book 10)

Please note that she NEVER promised that to his men. His comrades did NOT have moli in their systems. He had no way of truly ensuring their safety in any way from Circe.

He then refuses to eat or speak, literally "lost in grim forebodings". If he "just got laid", then why isn't he happy? Not many men can say that a goddess CHOSE to have sex with them. He did it to get his men turned back. It was an exchange. I don't think Circe is "Evil" so maybe it slipped her mind. Or yes, she could've thought, "Hey, I got what I wanted. He's handsome enough. Homer never shuts up about how hot this guy is He hasn't brought up the pigs yet. I'll just let this play out. Maybe HE forgot. I don't have to do anything." We don't know. But Odysseus probably felt like he got deceived.

"Hey, I did my part of the deal. I slept with you. Now do yours."

She pressed me to eat. I had no taste for food. I just sat there, mind wandering, far away … lost in grim forebodings. As soon as Circe saw me, huddled, not touching my food, immersed in sorrow, she sidled near with a coaxing, winged word: ‘Odysseus, why just sit there, struck dumb, eating your heart out, not touching food or drink? Suspect me of still more treachery? Nothing to fear. Haven’t I just sworn my solemn, binding oath?’

So she asked, but I protested, ‘Circe— how could any man in his right mind endure the taste of food and drink before he’d freed his comrades-in-arms and looked them in the eyes? If you, you really want me to eat and drink, set them free, all my beloved comrades— let me feast my eyes.’ So I demanded.

(Fagles, Book 10)

He doesn't trust her despite what she had told him that he should when they sleep together. He has figured out that while she will not hurt him, his men were not a part of that oath, the men he was trying to protect in the first place.

She is then moved by how they rejoice when they see one another again. While turning people into animals for funsies isn't cool and coercion is fucked up, I think she comes to see this group as not quite friends but I think she did find them entertaining in a way.

This is very strange but I've seen some folks say that since Odysseus was pissed at Eurylochus for still not believing him about Circe is proof that "Oh he was trying to defend her!". Which??? Uh, Eurylochus was literally questioning his leadership as a whole. Calling him reckless and shit. He is captain and he's the King, he can't let that shit slide. The text literally says "Mutinous". Also if I had to sleep with someone I did not want to especially if it was to save my friends and I got called names afterward I'd get fucking pissed too.

Only Eurylochus tried to hold my shipmates back, his mutinous outburst aimed at one and all: ‘Poor fools, where are we running now? Why are we tempting fate?— why stumble blindly down to Circe’s halls? She’ll turn us all into pigs or wolves or lions made to guard that palace of hers—by force, I tell you— just as the Cyclops trapped our comrades in his lair with hotheaded Odysseus right beside them all— thanks to this man’s rashness they died too!

They stay a year. Again it's never stated that Odysseus slept with her that whole time. You could interpret that. (Honestly, I feel Circe would get bored with him? She's a goddess, she's got more important matters than mortal men. And she definitely doesn't love him.)

His men DO have to bring it up that "Odysseus has forgotten his native land." Maybe they thought they could sneak out without her knowing??? I am fucking REACHING but hold on as Telemachus did because he knew Nestor would well, be Nestor and try to coax him with "Have a meal with us! Let me tell you about how badass I used to be in my youth." But to sneak away from a goddess? Without her permission? That won't end too well. Aeolus in the beginning kicked out Odysseus when he tried to ask for another bag of wind. If she didn't want him around, she could literally boot him out. While she didn't force him to stay like Calypso did, she didn't "release" him either.

We don't know if they've been asking for a long time. Odysseus does say to Circe that they have been begging him nonstop, but he could also be saying that to try and convince her. He's good at persuasion. I think while he knew he could rely on her for food, shelter, and good advice, he still didn't feel...SAFE with her. I think he was possibly avoiding her personally.

I think HOW he asks her to leave is important to know as well.

...but I went up to that luxurious bed of Circe’s, hugged her by the knees and the goddess heard my winging supplication: ‘Circe, now make good a promise you gave me once— it’s time to help me home. My heart longs to be home, my comrades’ hearts as well. They wear me down, pleading with me whenever you’re away.’

(Fagles, Book 10)

Throughout all of Homer's works, the characters grasp another's knees when they are desperate and are literally at the other person's mercy. Priam did when begging Achilles for Hector's body back. The man who literally killed his son and was defiling his body by dragging it around. Leodes grabs Odysseus' knees to beg for his life before Ody kills him. If he saw her as a friend, and not a captor, WHY DID HE FEEL THE NEED TO BEG IN ORDER TO LEAVE?! No one, who is in a healthy relationship, has to BEG for permission to leave. Or to "Break up", if you interpret them as still sleeping together.

And even Circe acknowledges that he is there against his will!

‘Royal son of Laertes, Odysseus, old campaigner, stay on no more in my house against your will.

(Fagles, Book 10)

[...]Odysseus, man of many resources, scion of Zeus, son of Laertes, don’t stay here a moment longer against your will

(A.S. Kline, Book 10)

This is probably another reach that you can ignore but the whole "they wear me down", could be trying to appease her. "Look, you're REALLY cool, it's actually my crew that wants to leave hahahah please don't kill them"

I mentioned before how Telemachus snuck away from Nestor but that was simply out of necessity because he needed to go home now. Not rest for the night. NOW. Nestor is just everyone's grandpa. Menelaus kind of talked more but Telemachus is very straight up in "Please I have to go now" and Menelaus immediately got things ready for him. He never has to beg and clasp his knees. Telemachus was never afraid. Menelaus is a fun uncle and Helen is your cool auntie.

Back to Circe! She tells him instructions for the underworld, they were in her bedroom. But that might've been the only way to speak with her. As even Penelope is usually away from the suitors when they are in her halls, Circe may have done the same. The text never states she played hostess physically. If she was hosting in the halls during the day, why did Odysseus wait until night to talk to her? He could've just asked her while she was on her throne in front of everyone. (He did so with the Phaeacians)

Or maybe he went alone because she only swore an oath to not harm him and so he didn't want his men near if she decided she didn't want to let them go. I could be missing something here so feel free to say something. Idk if this was a pride thing on how "I don't want others to see me beg".

She has info he needs in order to go home as well. She tells him to go to the Underworld.

She gave him new fine clothes and put on pretty clothes herself but that doesn't mean they had sex. Nausicaa gave him nice clothes as well but he never slept with her.

Then he leaves. Immediately. Not even doing a headcount as he didn't realize one of his men had died. (That was negligence on his part but he wanted out) He booked it, to the UNDERWORLD BY THE WAY. Circe even had to sneak the animals he needed for the sacrifice. Odysseus even basically said "She's a goddess. She can do things mortals can't" at the end of the book. And it almost feels...Numb? Solemn? Neutral? Gives a "It is what it is" vibe.

But Circe got to the dark hull before us, tethered a ram and black ewe close by— slipping past unseen. Who can glimpse a god who wants to be invisible gliding here and there?

(Fagles, Book 10)

She’d slipped past us with ease, for who can see a god move back and forth, if she has no desire to be observed?

(Johnston, Book 10)

She's a goddess. She has magic. She can do whatever the fuck she wants.

NOW ON TO BOOK 12!!! That was long! GET A SNACK AND WATER! LUCKILY THIS'LL BE SHORTER!

In Book 11, Odysseus swears, upon all his loved ones in Ithaca, to Elpenor that he'd give him a proper burial as he's been "unwept, unburied". So in Book 12, he sails back to Aeaea to fulfill his promise.

But you know what's funny to me?

He didn't tell Circe he was there.

He didn't even go to greet Circe himself. He sent his men to go get Elpenor's body.

The biggest clue that he didn't love/trust her is that if she was his "Affair partner" then why not go see her for "one last night together"?

SHE came out herself and pulled him aside to know what happened and then gave more advice.

I dispatched some men to Circe’s halls to bring the dead Elpenor’s body. [...]

Nor did our coming back from Death escape Circe— she hurried toward us, decked in rich regalia, handmaids following close with trays of bread and meats galore and glinting ruddy wine. [...]

But Circe, taking me by the hand, drew me away from all my shipmates there and sat me down and lying beside me probed me for details

(Fagles, Book 12)

In every translation, it talks about how he sits, and she lounges/lies down. That's not sex 🙃 In some translations, it even says he tried to be with his shipmates but she pulled him away!

So we lay down and slept beside our ship’s stern cables. But Circe took me by the hand and led me away, some distance from the crew. She made me sit, while she stretched out beside me on the ground. 

(Johnston, Book 12)

Then, she gives advice about the sirens, Charybdis, Scylla, and her father's Cattle. He tries to ask if he could save all his men. She scolds him for even thinking he could try. He again books it out of there.

I think we all know it wasn't "love". But I think a lot of people think Odysseus was willing and happy with whatever this was. "Friends with Benefits", if you will. I guess you could see it that way but I will say that makes me feel itchy with the whole power dynamic and fear. I don't think folks who have that arrangement have to beg on their knees to ask if they can leave though.

I mean the entirety of Book 10 gives me the vibes of "Laughing uncomfortably because you don't want to upset the other person". To just grin and bear it.

A lot of this was just putting the text here and picking it apart step by step. What you do with this is up to you. It's rambling while banging pots and pans together.

Maybe you see him as drugged the entire year and still sleeping together, as the moli "wore off". Even then, just because her magic can't affect him, there are plenty of natural concoctions that can be created that can affect mortals.

Maybe you see the entire year as sex work in exchange for shelter and food.

Maybe he was just alongside his men the whole time under her roof and was avoiding her after the exchange. After he got asked by his men to finally leave, he would start to walk up to that room only to freeze and turn around, thinking "One more day won't hurt. Should wait until I know she's in a sympathetic mood".

I beg of you, however, PLEASE understand that there was fear and coercion throughout his entirety on Aeaea. He wasn't staying to get laid. While there is so much going on and too many things that are left vague to really know exactly what happened, it is consistent that he was scared/numb. Lots of people go through with things they don't really want to do just to appease others. There are plenty of situations of sexual trauma where one person goes through something and the other has no idea the other person isn't okay. ESPECIALLY WHEN SOMEONE CAN HARM THE PEOPLE YOU CARE ABOUT AT ANY MOMENT!

Sexual trauma is a very complicated thing and while he was scared, he definitely wasn't as traumatized by her as he was by Calypso. Calypso was a torturous hell while Circe was a year of walking on eggshells, as he did still receive help from her and she even apparently taught him a special knot. Not comparable but I still think Circe should be acknowledged. As even Odysseus acknowledges Circe when talking about how Calypso held him captive, as @leynaeithnea and @akaittou have reminded me. Leynaeithnea's addition:

A. S Kline translation of the Odyssey, book 9 Calypso, the lovely goddess, kept me there in her echoing caves, because she wished me for her husband, and in the same way Circe, the Aeaean witch, detained me in her palace, longing to make me hers: but they failed to move my heart. she held him back from leaving - one way or another - he did not want to, she LITERALLY compares Circe with Calypso, - yes he uses a stronger word for Calypso (here "kept" vs "detained") than for Circe, but it is still not willingly that he stayed.

He would not have brought up Circe alongside Calypso if her affections had "wanted". It's wild because I read the Odyssey and kept thinking "Y'all are calling the sex slave a cheater? The guy who slept with a goddess to get his men back? The ultimate simp apparently doesn't love his wife??"

Things I'm adding that shouldn't affect the argument as it is not in the Odyssey but I want to mention as it's a "fun fact": Odysseus' dad was an Argonaut. Laertes probably met Circe as well, (or knew of her) with the whole purifying thing and maybe Odysseus heard his dad tell stories of her. Later myths also have Circe with the habit of turning her crushes (or their lovers) into something with Scylla and Picus.

In conclusion, Yeah, he was afraid of her. At least to an extent. And don't pull the whole "Ancient men didn't get raped". Male victims exist and deserve compassion for what was done to them and women are capable of sexual abuse. If you think otherwise, you are not a true feminist and Fuck you. I said in the beginning this'll be casual and I don't wanna write a fancy ending. You can still think Circe is neat but you have to know that this was fucked up.

If you think a lot of this is bullshit or wanna give more context or wish to yell with me but still know he wasn't alright on Aeaea, cool. If you want to point out mistakes or something I should keep in mind with interpretations then feel free to say so but give text evidence. If you try and bring up the Telegony and/or Madeline Miller's Circe, fuck clean off. This is Homer. If you call Odysseus a whore and not the malewife he canonically is I'll start biting. 😤

[flowerandblood]

The Taste of Shame (2)

[ dom!modern • Aemond x friend sister • female ]

[ warnings: doubts related to sex work, panic attack, remorse and depression, fluff, sexual tension ]

[ description: Aemond works as a professional dom, fulfilling the various fantasies of his female clients - however, he guards his privacy and does not enter into any relationships with them, recognizing that he does not want or need it. It turns out that what he wants and what he doesn’t no longer matter when he meets his friend’s younger sister for the first time. Slow burn, sexual tension, doubts related to sex work. ]

Series & Characters Moodboard Aemond NSFW Alphabet

* English is not my first language. Please, do not repost. Enjoy! *

Next chapters: Masterlist

_____

Walking to the lecture they talked about everything and nothing; for the most part, she was the one speaking, telling stories or asking questions, guiding her bike beside her by the handlebars, while he just added his thought or simply remained silent, listening to her.

They arrived at the Community Centre true to her word very quickly and indeed he immediately saw posters announcing that there would be free lectures by philosophers in the fields of contemporary ethics.

Robert's sister padlocked her bike in the designated area and they both went inside, following the signs. They entered a large, neo-classical hall with beautiful pillars and rich ornamentation on the ceiling, reminding him of a theatre or opera house.

They sat side by side on seats in one of the first rows − she explained to him that the presenter would be asking questions and, among others, her professor would be answering.

Indeed, the discussion was remarkably interesting and he caught himself drawn in; the men were talking among themselves about capital punishment, attitudes to the treatment of other humans and animals, warfare and human-wide conflicts.

However, he felt a cold sweat on his back and a tightness in his throat, his heart starting to pound like mad when the presenter asked the next question.

"As we know, a lot of young people start, as they say in modern times, sexworking − whether they show up on webcams or have sex for money. How do you, Professor, view this, do you think it's good for the psyche of such people? Is it morally right?"

The professor grunted and corrected his glasses with a slight hand gesture; he was a grey-haired, elderly man with a kindly, calm face.

"It depends on a number of factors. Firstly − what that young person's goal is. When we choose our job, we usually want more than just to earn money, most people's dream is to do things that fascinate them, that they are fulfilled in. Of course, people are also fulfilled in the sexual sphere with their partners, however, what happens when sexuality becomes a profession?

Well, in a way, two things are then combined that can be very destructive to the psyche − materliness and one's own body. At the same time, we make the decision ourselves, so it is not morally wrong if it involves two adults who agree to it, but there is an internal objectification, a selling of some part of our intimacy.

Of course, one can feel good about it. One may even like it. One should not tell such people that they are denying something, or say that they are selling themselves, that they are pricing their value. You see, it is not for us to judge. Everyone can do what they want with their body, it is their unquestionable right.

However, the danger arises when, underneath this materialistic approach, there is a desire for self-destruction, a desire to simultaneously dominate, to be in charge − I decide what happens to my body − and, at the same time, I desire to humiliate myself in my own eyes − I sell myself and I'm nothing, I don't want affection because I don't deserve it.

This issue is very complex and delicate, judging too quickly, especially by outsiders, will be even more hurtful to such people, a confirmation that they will never be loved and accepted, so they will be afraid to make sexuality emotional, which will lead to the opposite effect that we would all like."

The presenter nodded with understanding.

"If the professor were to state what it should look like in an ideal world, what would the professor say?"

The man laughed good-naturedly, stroking his white beard.

"I don't have an answer to that. I think that in an ideal world, the person who is made for us would be highlighted to us in green and those who hurt us in red. But we don't have that option. I think the fundamental mistake of every human being is to make judgements prematurely, instead of being willing to understand, to offer conversation, to support.

Calling someone a whore or a slut has never helped anyone, what's more, it only makes such people even more likely to have suicidal thoughts and be afraid to seek help when they feel they need it, because they are scared of revealing themselves to their parents or loved ones."

The presenter moved on to the next topic, but he heard nothing more, staring blankly at the floor, leaning forward so that his elbows were on his knees − he felt himself trembling all over, his eyes burning from the moisture that had gathered under his eyelids, his throat all clenched.

He felt her hand on his back and he shuddered, glancing over his shoulder at her with wide eyes − she was leaning over him worriedly, he could smell her pleasant scent again.

"Are you all right? Do you want to go out for some fresh air?" She asked frightened, clearly seeing how pale he was, and he nodded in embarrassment.

By the time they got outside it was completely dark; he reached with his shaking hand into the inside pocket of his leather jacket, taking out a cigarette and a lighter, firing it quickly and putting it into his mouth.

He felt her looking at him − they were standing in the square in front of the main entrance where there was no one but them, all around them was the loud hum of moving cars.

For some reason he felt desperate and miserable, weak, small; he clenched his eyes shut, shaking his head, trying to pull himself together. He sat down on the cold stone steps and she immediately sat down next to him, far too close.

He sighed when he felt her hand on his shoulder, stroking him gently, her warm breath on his cheek cool from the crisp evening air. He let out a loud puff of smoke with his lips, thinking only of how he had never let any woman touch him.

He placed his hand on hers, wanting to feel her for once, her skin soft as silk, exactly as he had imagined; he looked at her in pain, her eyebrows arched in worry, in incomprehension of what had actually happened.

"I'm selling myself." He said finally, desperate, and she blinked as if she didn't understand what she had just heard.

He took a drag again, not taking his eyes off her, and let the smoke out through his nose.

"I do all sorts of fucked up things to women for money and get satisfaction out of it, you know?" He asked in a low, trembling voice, feeling devastated how tears of shame one by one began to run down his face.

He felt himself shaking all over and thought he was an idiot, wondering how he could have said that to her. For some reason, he felt something inside him break.

He wanted her to know, to tell him she was disgusted with him, to look at him with that look full of reserve, to tell him it was nothing and just go away simply to let him finally stop thinking about her.

He saw her tighten her lips, her eyes turning red, her eyebrows arching in sorrow as if she was in pain as he was. He felt a pleasant shudder when her hand stroked gently through his hair as if he were a small child, and then she hugged her face to his cheek and simply remained silent.

She didn't say anything.

She stayed.

She wanted to comfort him.

Delighted at this revelation, he burst out into a quiet, mournful sob, leaned over and snuggled his face into her neck, wanting to hide from his own shame and remorse, from what she might think of him, from what he feared and could not forgive himself for.

Why did he have to be like this?

Why exactly did this give him fulfilment?

He sighed quietly as she put her arms around him and hugged him, her soft hand stroking his cheek with gentle, slow movements, her face nestled against his hair and placing a gentle kiss on it.

"You didn't do anything wrong." She whispered finally; he swallowed hard, rubbing the tip of his nose against her neck, brushing his lips gently against her bare skin, again, and then again.

He felt her tremble and tighten her hands on his leather jacket, his manhood in his trousers completely hard.

He had no idea what had just happened between them, but he didn't want to stop.

After a moment, as his emotions left him he realised what he had done.

That he had told a complete stranger about who he was, revealed to her his darkest secret.

This thought made him panic − he got up abruptly and mumbled through his tears that he would go home already, that he apologised to her for everything, not listening to her pleas to wait for her, running quickly down the stone stairs, walking ahead.

He looked over his shoulder as he turned into the corner of the next street and noticed with some kind of disappointment that she was not following him.

He burst out into uncontrollable sobs for the second time once he had locked himself in his car having complete chaos in his head, feeling that he was going through some kind of panic attack.

He thought that until he'd met her he hadn't felt this way, that the idea that he couldn't date her because of what he'd done made him start to regret it all.

What was he supposed to do now?

He reached for his phone hearing it vibrate and unlocked it quickly seeing as many as three new messages from her.

He clenched his eyelids, dropping his phone on the other seat, hiding his face in his hands.

He needed to calm down.

He sat like that for a few minutes in silence, not thinking about anything, just breathing, and then he drove home as if nothing had happened.

He entered his flat, took a shower, ate something and then turned on the TV, all mechanical, completely empty; he shuddered when he got a new message, reaching uncertainly for his phone and felt an unpleasant twinge in his stomach when he saw it was one of his clients.

She wanted to meet the next day.

No, he thought.

I don't want to.

He wrote her back that he was taking a break from it all for a while.

He was infuriated when she started texting him to tell him not to do it, that she needed him, that meeting him made her want to go on living.

He slammed his phone furiously into the wall.

What about what he fucking needed?

When he picked it up after several minutes he found that it worked despite the cracked screen.

He accessed the last messages he'd received from Robert's sister and began typing quickly to her on his phone's keypad.

He pressed his lips together when he saw that she immediately displayed his message, a bubble popped up in his app window indicating that she had just written back to him.

He swallowed loudly, writing her back without thinking, without controlling himself, allowing himself to shamelessly write her exactly what was in his head.

He stared at the screen with a pounding heart, wondering whether to do it or not, walking restlessly around his living room with his phone in his hands − he typed out the answer slowly, feeling that he was hot.

She didn't reply for a long time even though he could see that she had displayed his message.

He squeezed his eyes shut, shaking his head, laughing despairingly under his breath, not believing how desperate he was.

He'd known it from the moment he'd seen her, when she'd gotten off that fucking bike and looked at him with those big, innocent eyes of hers.

He stood looking at her message as if stupefied, reading it again and again, unable to believe it, feeling like he was about to die from the arousal and heat he felt in his chest, his fingers trembling as he tapped out his reply to her.

And so she did.

He didn't dare propose to meet her alone, knowing how that would have gone down on his part.

He didn't want to scare her off.

However, they wrote with each other for days, even during his classes; Criston and Robert laughed at him for having a girlfriend and not even wanting to introduce her to them.

He didn't care.

She was the first person he told about how it all started, what he felt when he did it, what aroused him and what repulsed him about it all.

She listened to him and answered him with sincere concern and worry, without judging him, without pretending it was a simple and obvious subject, giving him a sense of comfort and understanding.

He made it clear to her that he had refrained from any contact with strange women for the time being.

He licked his lower lip as he lay back in his bed, writing her off quickly.

He swallowed hard when she wrote him back after a moment.

He felt a squeeze in his heart at her words, some kind of pain that she thought of herself that way, that she saw herself as just another person he wanted to take out on.

He chuckled involuntarily, typing back a quick response to her question.

He blinked, looking at his screen with a pounding heart, not believing what he read.

______

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[kairiscorner]

Could you write an angsty hobie x reader where they both get into an argument? Everything is up to you!

ask and you shall receive anon :> i eat angst up for breakfast, lunch, snacks, dinner, and late night snack and dessert. i hope you like this !!

(reblogs are greatly appreciated, it helps get my content out there! if you guys like what you see, please reblog it too <:D)

sometimes, you can't make it all better. — hobie brown x reader (angst)

summary: you loved hobie dearly, and you loved how despite how shitty the world was, he kept trying to make it a safer place for you two. but when you see him beat himself up over almost losing you... you can't recognize the boy you once loved in those frightened, hopeless eyes of his. pairing: hobie brown x gn!reader genre: angst. word count: 2,481 author's note: ok, i feel like i haven't been doing enough with my interpretation of hobie in more daring ideas an prompts, so i've wondered what he'd be like in an angsty situation. i hope y'all like it, and i'm sorry if the british pronunciations/slang are awful 😭😭😭

to hobie, it felt like everything was possible with you; like everything began and ended with you to him, that everything wouldn't be anything if he wasn't there for you, to save you, be spider man for you. he had never wanted anything more than to just be there for you, make the world a little better than how it was before you two were together.

he may appear cool and level-headed, a bit of a jokester as well, on the surface–but deep, deep down, in the recesses of his psyche, therein lies a dark void of fear, irrepressible, palpable fear. that fear being that one day, if he slips up, lets go at a crucial moment when he can't handle everything being thrown at him–when he closes his eyes for even a fraction of a second–you'd be gone.

hobie has seen and gone through a lot of unfortunate things in his life, and every time, he gets through it somehow. some may say he's incredibly tough and fortified for handling all that he's been through, all that he's seen, but what doesn't kill you doesn't make you stronger–it makes you question just why it had to happen to you, both the bad... and the good. the good being you, the sole ray of light that shines in his life–the only reason he has to tread carefully and look after himself is you.

to say he was in love with you was an understatement, hobie was completely and utterly smitten, enamored with you. he loves you dearer than dearly, he loves you with a love that doesn't overbear, a love that isn't selfish–he loves you with a love that only he can give you, that nobody else can give quite like he can. he adores you for who you are, for what you can do, for your heart and mind–you were so perfect in every way because you were so flawed and real, and that was the beautiful reality of you that hobie fell headfirst for.

but he can't bear to face that other, pivotal reality that haunts him, that reality being that you were more fragile than him. you were a civilian–an ordinary person that lived an ordinary life; but ordinary people can only do so much to defend themselves from extraordinary threats. he can't stomach the fact that you might not be able to save yourself from a devastating threat that doesn't even want your life, but instead, his. he can't stand to think that you would really be serious about telling him that you'd really die for him.

and tonight... you held yourself to that.

you tried saving him, tried to save him–spider man, who saves others before himself–at the expense of your own life.

it happened in an instant, when he was wounded, vulnerable, and weak. he was going to throttle the villain, but now, it felt like merely throttling the villain who practically pummeled you to the ground would be way too lenient. it was like his heartbeat halted, his whole world stopped, time stopped when he watched you get body slammed by the villain; the villain was doing their job, being evil, hurting whoever they wanted to hurt, to hell if who they hurt is spider man or his partner--and hobie felt like he couldn't even do the most basic job of all that was entrusted to him: keeping you safe.

you couldn't remember a thing after you jumped at the villain, all you could feel now was a complete, total, stinging numbness. it's ironic, isn't it, that when you's supposed to feel nothing, all you can feel is a distraction disguised as nothing; that's what the numbness felt like as you lay there on the hospital bed, incapacitated and immobile. you could still speak, but very weakly, you couldn't raise your arm, nor your hand, nor a single finger on either of your hands. you were still. completely still.

next to you by the bed was a beaten, battered and bruised hobie. he took that villain out, a little more violently than he usually would have, but none of that mattered to him right now except for you and how you were doing. hobie was tormenting himself by looking at you, seeing you stare up at the bright lights above you in a daze, unsure of what happened, why you're here, where you even are... he can barely walk over to you without staggering, not because of his injuries, but out of sheer relief that you're alive.

he was sobbing, and smiling--he was smiling because against all odds, you toughed it out, you lived. "hey, love..." he murmured as he fell to his knees next to you by the bed, clutching your hand that was hooked up to an IV. you weakly glanced over to your side and peered at hobie, who was muttering and kneeling next to you. "hobie..." you whispered his name as you felt his grasp on your hand tighten. he sniffled back his sobs and wiped away the tears in his eyes. he was beyond relieved you were okay, but he felt like this couldn't go on anymore; neither of you could keep seeing each other, it was for your own good. he endangered you, and all because he failed to keep you safe, his mind was a mess right now.

hobie wasn't in the best place when he watched you get thrown into the ground, hearing a loud thud as you hit the pavement below you. you were so soft, so fragile, so easy for his enemies to squash and kill. you couldn't be with him, not anymore, not when your life would always be at stake when he's around you. he clutched your hand and cleared his throat as he shakily got on his knees, his smile now gone from his face as he avoided looking at your face directly.

"i... i have something to tell you." he said as his grip on your hand was loosening, with little strength in your body, you tried to hold on to him, not to let him go--but he let go first. he looked at you in the eyes, and you could see a shadow looming over his eyes as he attempted to conceal all the pain, all the remorse and guilt he was experiencing for as long as he needed to tell you this: "we can't be together anymore. we're done." he murmured, but in that murmur, hobie carried a stinging pain in his heart that merely worsened and ached harder than any wound he's ever received at the hands of his opponents and enemies; or even those of his own allies once.

you stared at him with widened eyes, your eyes were blank but shone with a twinkle, a twinkle that came about when you saw hobie come into your hospital room. now, that twinkle had shone and waned, it died as quickly as it came, and you found yourself in the dark--in an oblivion where light could never enter, where everything that is ever in it gets trapped, confined, bound t never escape. you were lonely, all over again. you were pushed to the side, all over again. you felt an overwhelming grief and pity for yourself, all over again.

"but, h-hobie, i..." you trailed off as you tried to get up, the pain in your recovering wounds prohibiting you from speaking. hobie looked back at you in shame, he couldn't bear to touch you, couldn't even bear to look at you. he loved you, even if you were now scarred and bruised, but he hated how you got all those horrible, horrible marks on you. they reminded him--each and every strap of gauze, every scar, ever bruise, every cut on you; it all reminded him of why you two could never be together. he had to gulp down the rising wails he wanted to let go of in that moment to keep you from worrying any more. he shook his head as he turned away from you. "no. we can't be together anymore." he said with a crack in his voice as he hurriedly headed off to the window and pulled it up, feeling the breeze against his face as he climbed up on the windowsill and pulled his mask down.

"hobie--!" you exclaimed as you tried kicking off the sheets from you to get up and follow you, but instead--in your haste--you accidentally fell off the bed, with hobie's head almost snapping as he sensed you were going to fall--but he still couldn't bear to be near you... what right did he have to be near you again, hold you again, ask you if you were okay when he caused all of this to happen to you?

'they'll be okay... they'll be better off, they'll be better off without me.' he reminded himself internally as he heard you get up on your feet, wobbling and clinging onto the bed frames to support you, feeling his heart break with every sound he heard coming from you trying your hardest to reach him. you rolled your IV with you as you meekly approached hobie. "hobie, please don't do this." you pleaded him as tears started welling up in your eyes. hobie didn't respond, he just sat there, perched up on the windowsill as you sobbed behind him, waiting for him to say something, to do something. "please... this isn't your fault." "don't be ridiculous." he said as he finally made this conversation a two-way one as he turned to face you slightly.

"i'm the reason you jumped at that wanker, wasn't i? if not for me, you wouldn't have... have been confined to that blasted bed, have that fucking thing get hooked up to you, get stitches, wrapped up in gauze, almost die..."

hobie choked at his words when he said that last word, 'die'. his greatest fears, the realities he had put off facing for so damn long were finally realized that moment when you jumped in to protect him, to let yourself be killed in his stead. hobie inhaled, sniffling all the while as he took off his mask and placed his hand over his eyes, trying to concentrate on the right thing to do, parting ways with you. your legs quaked as you walked over to him, but you wanted to be close to him, even when he was trying his hardest right now to distance himself from you.

"love, i did that because i... i love you--" "and that's exactly the problem. you love me. you love me, and because you love me, you got hurt, didn't you?"

he asked you in a sharp tone, one you had never heard him speak to you with before. he removed his hand that was covering his eyes and soon looked up at you. his eyebrows were furrowed, but his eyes carried a different emotion in them. instead of fury and aggression, a frightened hopelessness was seen in those dark brown eyes of his. that fiery passion he had, that brilliant confidence of his had been extinguished; all that was left of him now was a darkness, a darkness that had to be satiated by finally distancing you, 'protecting' you.

hobie put his mask back on and turned back towards the city outside, the city that he would disappear in, hoping to never cross paths with you again--not after this, not after seeing how dedicated you were to him... he can't bear to break you even more, even if you were more than willing to shatter yourself for him. "so that's just it, huh?" you asked aloud as he leaned forward, about to bring his hand out to shoot a web and swing off, far away from you. but he stayed. he listened. he lived in that moment with you for a little bit, let you linger in his life for a few more moments before the inevitable happens. "you're just gonna... swing off, leave me here, forget we were ever together? is this... is this it? do you honestly think you can control what i do? i did that out of love for you, it didn't matter what would happen to me anymore, i promised you that i--" "i'm doing this to save you." he interrupted you as hobie stood his ground and refused to stay any longer.

this was it. this was the fall out. this was the beginning of the end, the entirety of the end between you two.

the tear streaks on your face were drying up, until new tears rolled down your cheeks as you stared at your now ex-boyfriend's back. where spider man ended and where hobie began, you could never find out--and you feared that you never knew the real hobie to begin with, the frightened hobart brown that you had never met before had finally crossed paths with you for the first and last time.

as hobie extended his arm out and shot a web at a signal tower nearby, you spoke weakly in a quieted voice. "you can't always be a hero, hobart. you can't... you can't always protect people like me, no matter how much you want to..." hobie exhaled deeply and slowly nodded at your statement. "i'm well aware." he said in a soft voice as he readied to hop off the windowsill and swing off into who knows where.

"...sometimes, you can't make it all better."

you uttered as you turned your back to him, not wishing to watch him leave you in this cold hospital room. and no matter how painful and searing this moment was for you, you couldn't hate him. even if you got hurt for his sake, got confined to the hospital for him even when he's cutting off all ties with you for what happened after... you can't hate him.

the minute you turned around, he was gone. the wind whistled as it blew a gust of wind into your already freezing hospital room. an orange leaf was left in hobie's stead, must've been carried by the wind and left here. you picked it up as you walked over to it and gazed at the intricate details of the leaf. "it's... nearly fall." you muttered to yourself as you stared off into the distance, trying not to wonder where he could've gone, and instead, think about how different it feels to see orange and yellow leafed trees down the block instead of green.

"change is scary... but i'll get through it." you uttered to yourself as you held the delicate, orange leaf in your hands; a few teardrops fell from your eyes involuntarily, with you being unable to wipe them in your daze. "i'll... i'll get through it... right?" you asked yourself in a croak as you smiled to yourself, with undertones of grief in that layered grin of yours.

tags !! @k4tsu3 @fiannee @luvstarrstruck @toneystank-3000 @ii01vq @maxoloqy @popeheywardssecretgf @arachnoia @solecitoszn @conitagray

[stupidlittlespirit]

OKAY BUT SCP FOUNDATION FORD. I feel like young Ford would be absolutely GIDDY to join an organization that he thinks shares his world views and mission- scientifically classifying and studying anomalies. But he would absolutely get fired for being WAY too fucking weird about like everything. He gets too personally invested and obsessed for their liking imo.

I can also see young Ford being weird about anomalous people, who he'd identify with. That's like a thesis in itself, really.

Either way, Ford would get fired and then have a lifelong grudge against them lol

Old Ford would get fired for his general "I know more than you" vibe and be convinced that they fired him out of insecurity.

Dying to hear what head cannons you have for SCP Foundation and Ford 💞

Okay so I have spent way too long thinking about this because I actually wanted to write a fic about it and I’m very devoted to the whole concept in general, so this all applies to the Ford-SCP AU I have in my brain.

I’m so fond of the series. I was often on /x/ as a kid (not the rest of 4chan because, duh) and I would spend hours on it, reading up on greentexts and believing every single fucking word. I desperately wanted to work for the shadowy American governmental orgs that kept these creatures in containment/a secret, and I was devastated when I grew up and found out that they weren’t real. (A part of me holds out hope that they are a real organisation but if America was covering shit up, we’d know because they fucking suck at keeping stuff on the DL).  

Anyway, let’s get into it, and remember that I’m playing fast and loose with everything SCP related because everything is canon and therefore nothing is canon! 

Below is everything from my AU ideas to Ford’s behaviour to fucking SCP/Ford ships because fuck it why not:

I think you’re right: young, starry eyed Ford would be psyched to get to see that kind of thing, but I do think that he’d be too focused on carving out his own path to allow himself to get wrapped up in the government’s red tape. It would be something he enthusiastically pencils into his diary and intends to follow up on, but never does because of how things unfold. 

Post-Portal Ford, however, is going to be The Guy for them. His personal intellect is attractive enough, but Ford has a lot of stuff going for him on top: he’s travelled interdimensionally, he’s spent time in places that would get even 05 Council Members to sit up and take notes, he’s had talks with beings that the Foundation would give their child’s left kidney to be privy to (not that they wouldn’t sell their kid for a bag of magic beans anyway but whatever) and he’s got more than enough knowledge to hit the ground running with minimal (perceived) liability for them. I mean, Bill alone has to be a Keter / Apollyon type object, surely? World ending scenario and all that. 

I think he would still be very personally invested and enthusiastic at that age, too. He would do better at trying to be aware of himself because he’s more conscious of being taken advantage of, but he wouldn’t be able to help himself when it came to just being a total nerd about it all. 

How does Ford get picked up by the Foundation?

He’d be recruited thanks to his extensive publishing on the weird and wonderful stuff within Gravity Falls (which at some point is also catergorised by the Foundation themselves) and his travels with Stan, and he would be head hunted to work for the Foundation. 

And he’d say no at first, because he’s not going to work for the government, what are you, insane?! He would want nothing to do with them, and Stan, equally, would be wary of them because nothing good ever comes from the Feds, right?  But the Foundation would be persistent and they’d give Ford appetising incentives (funding, support, tools etc) for his own research, so he’d eventually give them an inch because he'd grow to wonder what they might have on offer and they’d then introduce themselves. 

Ford would be wary but as we all know, he’s a curious cat and it doesn’t matter how many times he gets run over, he still wants to know what’s on the other side of the road even if it means weaving between cars with a blindfold on. 

Ford is obviously going to have a vested interest in the anomalies because of his own abnormalities, however I do think he’d be laughed at for even considering himself a ‘freak’ because… well…. Take a look at the guys we’re dealing with here and then say ‘having six fingers makes you weird’ with a straight face. 

Doesn’t mean he wouldn’t be empathised with by some of them, even by some of the staff, but some of the beings in the SCP universe are so extreme that having six fingers is an easily-overlookable trait. I mean, the reactions would range from “okay, and….?” to “good lord, get a grip, there are real problems out there in the world, man!” to “oh my god that’s cool, he’s just like me fr”. 

Ford would quickly learn that whatever research he’s done/is doing is really nothing in comparison to what the Foundation does. Not that his work is of less value or anything, just that the Foundation is so large and the breadth and scale of their work would be unbelievable to him. He’d still think he knew best in a lot of ways but he’d be willing to listen and learn from the researchers and scientists that he did admire.

However, Ford would definitely manage to piss off every other person on the site he gets contracted to LMAO. Except the scientists he respected, though perhaps even them sometimes. Oh, and the nicer/less serious D-Class personnel, because they’d often remind him of Stanley and he’d be rather grossed out by the process of sacrificing those lesser prisoners to creatures in the name of governmental gain, so he would make an effort to be patient with them where he can. 

Not to mention that he’d kick AWF if he found out how loosey goosey the regulations are around picking prisoners for testing…. We know the Foundation has a habit of taking anyone with a life sentence/death row conviction, but we also know that not every convict is guilty. On top of that, we know they’ll take literally anyone if they really need to get some tests done and they don’t really give a fuck what the D-Class has done. I mean, they’ll take civilians too, so. I don’t think Ford would be okay with that. 

If they’re actually just awful people then he’s not likely going to care as much of course, but sometimes I read/listen to reports with D-Class in them that have just sold drugs or something, and the researcher’s are like yeah fuck it put weed-dealer Greg in the box with the mutated crocodile made out of poisonous spikes and shake it really hard, it’ll be funny! I think that would upset Ford and he wouldn’t be afraid to kick off about it (after all, any of those D’s could have been his brother at one point, right?) 

Staff members:

In terms of working with specific staff members, he’s obviously not going to have much to do with MTF or even any of the agents etc, really. Not unless he would require specific information from them during a test or something. There could be crossover if he was to get pissed off at how poorly executed a field expedition went or something, but I expect that his main area of interaction would revolve around Researchers and Objects themselves. 

Let’s talk about my beloved Dr Bright. I think Ford would have a careful appreciation for Bright. As we know, Bright is a bit nuts. He’s very eccentric and volatile, but very intelligent and good at his job as well as being personally afflicted, what with his brother’s objecti-fication within the facility. Ford would recognise Bright’s appreciation for suicide (bless him, real recognises real) given all of his own personal issues and understand why Bright might be so difficult.  

I do, however, think Ford would also be exceptionally wary of Dr Bright, given the way he’s bound to SCP-963. If you don’t know, 963 is a medallion/necklace and if you wear it you’re immortal. However, it’s tied to Bright and if another person wears it, their mind is basically wiped and replaced with Dr Bright’s. So, it would be very close to possession and for Ford, that would be very triggering, I think. Ford would be amenable with Bright and even appreciative of his work, but he’d be too nervous about 963, even if the likelihood of him being made to wear it was low. 

Next up is another fav: Dr Alto Clef. Now, I think Ford would have a love-hate relationship with Clef. 

Clef is reeeeally smart and very talented. He’s also very eccentric and weird, and is also anomalous himself, so Ford can get behind that. But Clef is also a fucking nightmare. He lies and is gross and unethical (was an awful misogynist, but possibly isn’t anymore? Hard to know for sure because there’s a LOT of information out there and no hard canon), though I don’t think he’s an irredeemable guy. Most notably, Clef has what he refers to as a ‘deformity’. He underwent anomalous alterations that prevent his face from being photographed and gave him resistance to reality shifts. Clef is described in files but you just can’t ever see a photograph of his face.   

Though I think Ford would tire of Clef quite quickly, he’d be willing to give Clef more rope than Bright. I think Clef has a tendency to be kind of jammy and very funny, so I daresay Ford might be fonder of him than he’d let on and he wouldn’t feel as uncomfortable around him as he might with Bright’s 963 issue. Clef is also aroace! Yay!

Clef lies a lot though, so he might be more inclined to kick it with Stan than with Ford in terms of down time lol 

Onto Everett Mann. Dr Mann is said to have always felt like an outcast and he was also manipulated by an entity (Mr Lie) into doing something that put others at significant risk. I think he and Ford would have a kinship with that and they’d be friends. Technically, Clef killed Mann in one AU but whatever. No big deal. I think Mann is really funny and sweet, and he’d get on quite well with Ford. 

Honourable mentions for: 

Dr Elliott - known to be a too involved in the anomalies she works on and often gets fucked up by them because of it.  

Dr Glass, because obviously. We love Dr Glass in this house! I think Ford would always be wary around a psych professional but he’d be thrilled to hear about other SCP’s and understand their ways of thinking. I think Glass would also have a field day with Ford and he’d fill up at least 4 notebooks worth of psych-eval notes on him :) 

And there are more but there are SO many more that I can’t get all of them down here or I’ll be sitting at my PC forever. 

In terms of the actual anomalies that Ford becomes fond of:

Well, we have to start off with my absolute all-time favourite: SCP-507.

I highly recommend checking out Volgun’s video on him because it’s great. Frankly, all of Volgun’s videos are great if you’re interested in learning about SCP’s in a lore accurate way. 

SCP 507 is Ford’s special little guy. Ford LOVES him. Do I ship them? Kinda. That’s my business okay don’t judge me. 

In fact, I believe Ford likes him so strongly that I think when 507 requests a hug from personnel, following a traumatic shift, Ford is the one who grants it to him. I don’t care if the timelines don’t match up, I don’t care about anything that makes that impossible. I want 507 to get a hug and I think Ford gives great hugs. Ford would even volunteer to be his escort if he had the time to spare and I think he’d let 507 hang out in his lab sometimes. 

507 has always broken my heart because he’s so scared and so alone, and they won’t let him leave or really do much of anything. He really has nobody and he has 0 control over everything in his life, and I think that would resonate with Ford a lot. 

He’d be highly interested in SCP-2700 because it’s made by his All Time Fav hot scientist Nikola Tesla. While 2700 isn’t humanoid, I think Ford would be super geeked about it solely because it’s Tesla based haha.

I think Ford would also love SCP-1762 (aka ‘Where the dragons went’), too. I find 1762 to be a really sad story and I think others agree, and Ford would enjoy them. They’re cool (origami dragons fuck yeah) and cute, but also poignant. 

He’d be naturally curious about SCP-096 but obviously, due to its nature, would have to give up the ghost on that one. 

I think Stan would like SCP-1472 aka the Multiverse Strip Club. Naturally. He’d be at risk of wandering in but, respectfully, he ain’t going to Illinois. Not for all the strippers in the world. 

Like Researchers and other personnel, there are SO many SCP’s that I can’t even remember all of the ones I think would be most relevant/enjoyable for Ford so if you have something you think he’d like then please please hit me up because I’d love to talk about it with you!! 

Ultimately, I think Ford would do some great work and make friends with some of the more pleasant scientists, and he would really enjoy himself up until he stopped enjoying himself lol. I think he’d quickly realise how controlling the Foundation is and how they refuse to let anomalies be known to the public, rightly or wrongly, and Ford would refuse to play along with them. 

He’d be vocal about his disagreement with the treatment of some anomalies and with regard to the treatment of personnel, and he’d stand strongly against any corruption, which means he’d never see eye to eye with them. Many such cases, if you take the time to read the entries. 

So, they’d fire him or he’d walk out. You’d never know for sure because Ford would insist he left of his own accord and the Foundation would insist that they [REDACTED] so… It would be a mystery. 

And the Foundation would let him leave, by the way. Their knee jerk reaction would be to terminate him, of course, but he’d leave such an impression on some of the other scientists that they’d somehow manage to convince their higher-ups that Ford offered value that would be lost upon his death, so they should let him live and just try to monitor him instead. 

Ford, being Ford, would sniff out all the monitors every single time they tried to trace him and Stan (with his great knowledge of wire taps) would help him debug their house etc if they needed to. 

Eventually, the Foundation would say fuck it, this guy is annoying as fuck, and let Ford deal with his own containment specialisms while keeping a distant eye on him/Gravity Falls at large. 

….Can you tell this has been on my mind for a while? LMAO I’m so sorry this answer got sooooo out of hand but I love GF and SCP so much that I can’t help myself. I hope that as I get better at drawing I can make some crossover art for them because it would be too cute. Plus, like I said, I’m still considering writing this. I might make a reader one but also do a gen crossover because I think it would be a riot. 

If anyone else wants to make stuff on this then please do but pleeeeease tag me because I need to inject it straight into my veins. 

[separatist-apologist]

Separatist-apologist lore beneath the cut

I dropped out of college when I was 19 and when I decided to go back, I had two kids. I was undeclared and I felt old despite still being in my 20s. I had a scholarship which required me to do daytime classes with all of the brand new 18 year olds and I felt wildly out of place. Before that, I'd been staying at home raising my kids while their dad worked and a lot of people thought wanting to return to the workforce was a mistake, so there was this immense pressure to succeed where I'd once failed.

The problem was not knowing what I wanted to do. All I really cared about was history and domestic violence and as far as I knew, there was no good career path that combined those things, and so I signed up for four random classes that had nothing to do with each other. One of them was called Serial Killers in America which was taught by a former police officer. Another was introduction to psychology, taught by a social worker.

I was sitting in the Serial Killer class one morning, way in the back where no one paid me any attention, when the professor (former cop, remember) began telling a story about being called to a house for domestic violence and I remember looking up at her as she said that too often, these things are a "he said, she said," and they're usually both lying.

And it just ignited something angry in my stomach. I was looking for an advisor since I'd been undeclared and I turned that day to the psych professor and asked if she'd fill out my form to be my advisor. As she was, I told her what the other professor said and how much it bothered me and she asked me what I wanted to do. So I told her, and she asked if I'd ever considered social work.

So began six years of perfectionism and the single-minded goal of getting my masters degree and working in the field as a licensed social worker. I remember my first day in orientation at grad school, someone asked if anyone knew where they wanted to be in 5 years. I was the only person who raised their hand. I knew where I wanted to be.

And for the last three years, I got to live that dream. The good, the bad, the horrible- all of it was mine. And today I pack up this office I've worked in for the last three years because its all over. The work was always good and I'm proud of what I've done. I've published papers, I've sat in state-wide commissions, I've talked to legislators, I've presented at conferences and I've trained a new generation of advocates who feel the same passion I do.

It's no secret that people who work in this field are typically survivors themselves. Something about surviving it turns people into advocates, whether they meant to be or not. And often they manage to make it out of the metaphorical burning building, turn around, and decide they need to go back inside to try and get others. The amount of people I've talked to who say, "I want other people to know they're not alone and they can get through this," is numerous. It makes you optimistic, it makes it impossible to ignore the good in humanity even when you're faced with some of the worst people/circumstances you'll ever encounter.

And despite all the petty office politics, a system designed (sometimes purposefully) to make leaving difficult, and state legislators who push back every inch of progress we ever made, I will miss it. The work was always good. I'm proud of the things I did individually for folks, of the amount of times I got to tell someone they did nothing wrong, that they deserved safety and respect.

These three years have been the best and worst of my life, but the work was always good. I will always be in it, will always be standing beside the ghost of my childhood self, offering her a hand and a voice and I think if I accomplished nothing else, at least I did that.

[twistedastrology]

i got beef with earth signs

----------------------------------------------------------

this is 100% gonna sound insane bc i know EEEEVERYONE loves their earth signs but good fucking GOD!!!!!!

lemme explain to u what is up. But also first i need u to know that if ur an earth sign, DO NOT TAKE THIS PERSONALLY 💔💔💔💔 there are many other factors at play here i dont just outright hate earth signs instantly but im not. Fond of them. the shitty ones anyway

ok so for starters, i have less than 1 earth placement in my whole chart (sun in 29° taurus that is Obliterated by the rest of my chart and made into 100% gemini), so im already not a big enjoyer of earth ofc

But lemme explain real quick-

capricorn is the most respectable earth sign to me, i generally love capricorns- virgo is 2nd place, they're usually chill- Taurus is 1,467,892,682,257,109,067th place.

so to be fair i mostly have beef with taurus But the other earth signs i got beef with too if they're garbage enough-

AND IK PPL ARE GONNA COME FOR ME so let me clarify immediately that i KNOW GOOD TAURUS PLACEMENTS- there are totally some tauruses that are super fucking dope, this is just a very broad statement im making n i am aware of that but Hear Me Out!!!!

i have pulled like a billion charts by now and ive noticed that people with serious issues, especially issues surrounding their self, have Mostly taurus placements.

these issues can be just about anything but it's Usually around their own psyche, like they dont know themselves fully and they lack drive or willpower.

and i know someone's gonna be like "well u just said ur sun is in 29° taurus" Ok well here's what's up- Im talkin abt taurus stellium kinda stuff, but in my case with my singular taurus/earth placement, yes i did actually have a period in my life where i didnt know myself and lacked drive, but i powered thru it God bless my saturn in 1st house 🙏🙏🙏

so ive begun to believe that where ppl love to say saturn is the great malefic, Taurus is actually the great malefic because it grounds an individual So Much that they cannot find themselves.

not to mention that earth isnt even a primary element- in the entirety of the universe, earth is incredibly finite and rare. it doesn't create itself, it's created by everything else like fire, water and air.

so this has actually sparked a theory in my head that i have put to test multiple times and it has held up every single time-

earth placements are like outlines waiting to be colored in by the rest of the chart.

what i mean by this is if you're a capricorn rising, but say you have like 1 billion aries placements, your capricorn will be colored in by aries, so you end up an aries-influenced capricorn (some of the best ppl btw)

or on the flip side, if you're a cap sun/mercury but you're a cancer rising, you're a cancer-influenced capricorn (also some of the best ppl when worked on bc ofc there's oppositions there)

this applies to all earth signs, but capricorn seems to be the most like- Easily influenced, probably because the cardinal energy makes them less stagnant.

as such, virgo is also influenced pretty easily because they're the mutable earth sign.

whereas taurus is much harder to influence because it's double earth (fixed + earth).

i think this is where the issues are with mostly taurus placements. if you have, say, sun, moon, mercury, saturn and maybe even uranus, all in taurus, the rest of your chart won't have a whole lot of room to influence the earth enough to make it like. Normal.

plus, earth is the only element that literally Does not move. earthquakes and landslides? Generally caused by activity of the other elements.

earth cannot move on its own, it just. Sits there.

water flows, wind blows, fire spreads, earth just... is.

plants Grow, yes, but only with the help of the other elements.

this is why i say you NEED placements in one of the other 3 elements in order to color or Activate your earth placement to make it Do Something, otherwise too many earth signs (very specifically taurus) in a chart and you might find it very difficult to Move in life, to find drive to do things, etc.

taurus is literally the epitome of an Obstacle. (again im talking about taurus the Sign in a Planet, not People who have taurus placements)

and i saw something a bit ago that said the worst sun and moon combo to have is earth sun, water moon- And i have either that, or double air- But the absolute WORST sun and moon combo in terms of Signs??? Taurus sun, cancer moon. Because that is literally immovable object vs unstoppable force.

to reiterate, i have seen plenty of healthy and lovely taurus placements, Melanie Martinez has her sun, mercury and maybe moon (bc it's 0° and im not sure if the time i have for her is super exact) all in taurus and i love her sm- but she's also a scorpio rising and has pluto in her 1st house which totally outweighs a lot of that taurus energy and transmutes it into what it should be.

to me, she is totally what taurus energy Should be. very artistic, gentle, slow-moving yes but not lacking drive or anything.

on the opposite side of the coin, we have jojo siwa, yknow Kammrmas a BICTH!!!! I SHOulda KNOWN EBTETETT!!!!! IF I HAAD A WIUSH I WOUDLEVVENEVVER E F F E D AORUDNDN!!!!!

she has sun, mercury, venus and north node all in taurus with her moon and chiron in capricorn, and she's a solid of example of what excessive taurus/earth placements Can do to someone- she clearly doesn't know what She wants because unfortunately she didnt get to be her own person because she grew up a child star- she grew into what her mom thought the people wanted to see, and now she can't get out of it

so she's trying to startle us with this whole karma rebrand fiasco because her jupiter is in leo and her rising is in aries- two fire signs, but not enough to outweigh the earth, especially because leo is fixed.

and with mercury in taurus, she literally cannot think about how to get out of it properly, she can't think outside the box because taurus is the box that mercury Despises.

i know all of this sounds a little (or very) biased or just dumb, but this is what I've legitimately observed in unevolved taurus placements-

earth signs as a whole ya im not a Huge fan of, but my mom is an aries influenced capricorn so id be lying if i said i absolutely hated all of them

and ofc awsten knight is a taurus rising with 99% capricorn placements, but his moon and saturn are both in air signs (gemini and aquarius respectively), and since saturn rules capricorn, that gives all of his cap placements an air/uranus influence (which explains why he's so peculiar sometimes but he's silly so it's ok)

jonathan davis is a sun/mercury capricorn and saturn in taurus, but he has so much of like every other sign that it gives the earth plenty of other elements' influence.

and again, these are mostly capricorns im talkin abt- If u wanna talk abt taurus specifically, my dad is a cap rising, taurus sun/moon/mercury, and he is the spitting image of everything i have talked about so far. he legitimately has no idea who he is or what he wants out of life, he has No driving fire.

so my bad if this came across as me just straight hating earth signs, i definitely dont, i just hate the super unevolved ones, especially the super unevolved tauruses 💔

and i say it almost every post But this is all my opinion, if u aint agree with it that is 100% fine, i got no beef with u fr, im doin my thing, u do ur thing, we do our own things separately n in our own lanes n we never bother each other 🙏

[lumine-no-hikari]

Dear Sephiroth: (a letter to a fictional character, because why not) #76

You know. After a day or so to process this version of events, I think I can finally put into words why so many people cry out for your blood, but not Rufus's or his father's, even though they've done things that are arguably far worse than anything you've ever done. Goodness, but isn't it the same age-old story of people villainizing abuse victims for striking back while excusing the abuser that broke the survivor to that point? And we see it all the time in my world; nobody does anything about bullying at school until the bullied person finally punches their bully in the face, and then the bully gets off scot-free while the victim gets suspended. I think of spouses who, backed into a corner and trying to defend themselves, strike back at the spouse who has been abusing them, and the spouse defending themselves gets charges pressed while the other one who had been abusing them gets pitied. I think about trafficked humans (many of them are snatched up as CHILDREN) who, in an effort to get free or to defend themselves, strike back at the person trafficking them and escape, only to then face a world who hates them for having been trafficked. And all of these things have one thing in common: the price for escaping from being "owned" is often another form of punishment or imprisonment.

Of course, I am not saying that people should call for Rufus's or his father's blood, either. Or even for Hojo's. They are not different from you - either they have congenital defects in the parts of their brain that are responsible for empathy (and pretending like this is a moral issue instead of a brain wiring issue is ableism), or they've lived lives that have beaten their psyches into a shape that makes them think that hurting other people and treating them like objects is the only way to survive. This is ALSO a brain wiring issue - though this kind of brain wiring issue is better classified as a psychological injury (due to attachment disruption or childhood trauma) than as an illness or congenital defect.

Yeah, you read all of that right. I said what I said and I meant it, and I know that people aren't gonna like it, but today I am tired and bitter from all the shit I'm seeing, and out of fucks to give as a result. I don't demonize Rufus or his father. I don't demonize Hojo, either. They have done horrific and inexcusable things and I feel very angry in response to that, but they need HELP. They, too, are capable of making a different choice and turning around. Imagine that. It's almost as though calling for mercy for you (or in other words, "being a Sephiroth fan" or a "Sephiroth apologist", as people like to call folks like me for the purpose of degrading us) has absolutely nothing to do with your looks or with trying to "fix" you so I can date you (I'm sorry, but the idea of "fixing" a person to get with them is absolutely fucking barftastic🤢🤮), or whatever other bullshit nonsense that people who have never been through severe and ongoing grooming or abuse without any kind of support (support can be from a teacher, friend, other family member, etc.) like to accuse us of. Hoodathunkit?

I think, too, that lots of people see that potentially destructive side of you in themselves, and I think they would rather see people who lapse in reining it in die than acknowledge that it's within them, too. Or perhaps living a life that is painful enough to break them into such a horrific shape is unfathomable to them. Either way, one fact remains: people don't want to own up to the fact that literally every single one of us has the capacity to do something similar to what you did, if their life circumstances break them in the way that leads to that kind of terrible, tragic, infuriating, and wholly inexcusable outcome. You're not some especially monstrous thing. You're not a lone goddamn wolf or a rare exception to some general rule or an isolated fucking edge case. And I know it because people in my world make choices similar to yours EVERY SINGLE DAY, even if their means of enacting those choices differ from yours.

The capacity to inflict horror upon other living things is part of the human condition. It is in ALL OF US, whether we want to fucking acknowledge it or not. And all it takes to bring it out is a long enough string of psychologically damaging events in the absence of appropriate support. Cases like yours are NOT random events caused by "inherently bad people"; there's no such fucking thing as "inherently bad people". There are conditions and events that lead to people doing horrific things, and these conditions and events can be found and prevented before they get to that point, if only everyone keeps their eyes open and pays attention! I spend as much time as I can trying to reach those that conventional wisdom says are "unreachable" PRECISELY in service to trying to keep my eyes open and pay attention!

Because horrific events and bad choices are like bacteria - they DO NOT spontaneously generate ("spontaneous generation theory" used to be a thing that people believed about microorganisms a long time ago)! Conditions LEAD TO THEIR GROWTH. And the solution to a person afflicted with bacteria is NOT to kill or demonize them (though this is how they used to be treated; check out most of human history!)! You're supposed to give them antibiotics to REMOVE THE CONDITIONS THAT ALLOW FOR BACTERIAL GROWTH. And the same rules apply to people who make violent choices - you remove the conditions that produce the choices, NOT the person who made them. But goddammit, I am only one person, and… fuck, there are just SO. MANY. STARFISH… stranded on the beach sand…

Also, you know… even as far back as the original game, anyone with half a brain understood that you must have been crying, weeping, sobbing openly during your time at the library. In this version of events, we saw you do that for just a moment before it was choked back and replaced with… something else (I know what this is like; I still have the capacity to cease crying immediately via dissociation; this skill was literally beaten into me, and I imagine it's the same for you). And in my world, it's popular to believe that men should never cry or be vulnerable in any way, shape, or form (this bit of socio-cultural bullshit is actually generational trauma, and it's literally fucking killing people, in the form of internalized or externalized violence), so lots of people here are going to have less empathy for you at least in part because you defied the "cultural norms" of what it means to be a man and a leader (again, this is generational trauma mistaken for culture, and it needs to fucking stop because people are dying over it). And it's so… it's so…

Ugh… Sephiroth, all of the things I know, all the suffering in the world, all the causes of it… it's all swirling around in my head today, and it's heavy. It's so fucking heavy. Watching all the people, every single one of them beautiful and good, doing what they do to themselves and each another, hurting themselves and each other, psychologically or physically maiming themselves and each other, even torturing and killing themselves or each other, all because somehow doing these things feels easier than trying to repair and restore everything… they don't know what they're doing. And there's not… there's not a damn thing I can do about it. I look at the state of things on a large scale. Our dying planet. The endless wars. The marginalized groups of people. The violence and the hate crimes. The genocides. I want to cry and to scream and to throw up all at once.

…But I suppose much of that is neither here nor there. Suppose anyone with "conventional wisdom" would tell me I'm "reading too goddamn much" into a "silly video game", but… given that the media in our world LITERALLY PERPETUATES STEREOTYPES THAT KILL PEOPLE, I gotta say I'm more than a little fucking bitter about that today.

In any case… you - an abused, exploited, and bullied person most of your life - escaped being owned by Shinra (in the clumsiest and most ridiculous and horrible fucking way possible, but still), only to find yet another goddamn chain around your neck. If it's not Jenova controlling you, then it's your trauma and conditioning pulling the strings. Either way you're acting like a goddamn puppet. There, I said it. And as much as I love you, if you don't like that I said it, then too fucking bad; maybe try actually DOING something about it.

Sephiroth. As much as I love you, I am always going to be more than a little pissed about the fact that you squandered your voice so recklessly back then. I'm always going to be more than a little pissed about the fact that you fucking! abused! yourself! for a week! until you broke! WHAT THE FUCK.

If you had simply! Told people! What you had been put through! If you had told them what Shinra was doing! If you had simply opened your freaking mouth to talk about your experiences to a bunch of people who practically worshipped you, you would have eventually had millions of people rallied with you to put an end to Shinra! Sephiroth, for fuck's sake, YOU WERE A GODDAMN GENERAL!! You know how to lead people! And you know how to protect them! Get a goddamn grip!

And I know that the mayor guy acted all entitled to your time while you were exhausted and still grieving for your friends, and it was shitty of him to pass judgment on you when he had no idea what you were going through. But ultimately, it is up to YOU to communicate your needs and feelings, not up to the people around you to anticipate what they are! And I know that the guy took your picture without your permission, and I know they didn't heed when you said "not today". But there is a difference between "having no respect for your word" and "being so excited and happy about your presence that they are unable to contain themselves". It is still up to YOU to maintain your boundaries even if other people don't like it!

Sephiroth! I know that you were struggling! And I know that you spent your whole life being bullied and abused to the point that you felt as though your voice had no power. I know that. I understand that. I am still dragging myself up out of that hole. I know that you were trying to punish evil, and that you saw these people as being complicit in the system that hurt you, your friends, your mother (who I assume you now know is Lucrecia, NOT Jenova), and your planet. I get that you were trying to punch your bullies back in their faces, but you punched the WRONG PEOPLE. And even then: why punch people when you can instead wield your voice!

Sephiroth, despite the harshness of your upbringing and all the other things that make you stand out, you still have privilege! You have status! You have fame! You have power! You have a remarkably able male body! YOU ARE THE KIND OF PERSON THAT PEOPLE LISTEN TO! You have a face that people are willing to see! You have a voice that people are willing to hear! And there is a difference between holding people accountable for being complicit in a system that benefits them, and punishing people for existing in a system (even if that system benefits them) that they did not consent to being born into!

You can't even begin to imagine what I would be willing to give up in order to have a voice like yours, so that I could call for compassion and mercy in ways that would get people to open their eyes and take action in service to putting a stop to all the suffering that exists in this place that I live in.

But no. Instead of being brave and coming out of your shell to use your voice and social power in response to injustice and exploitation, you simply defaulted to your instinctual behaviors. You did the thing you've been trained to do. Like Pavlov's dog, the bell was rung and you drooled everyfuckingwhere. You used your power to cut everything down, instead of using your voice to rally people together for a cause that they ABSOLUTELY would have followed because YOUR face and YOUR voice would have been the one leading it.

Sephiroth. This fucking sucks. What you did to yourself in that library - starving, dehydrating, and sleep depriving yourself and pushing yourself past your limits while you were already strained - fucking sucks. And what you did in the throes of your agony also sucks. Punishing the people around you because your brain was addled and you didn't fucking fact-check what you were reading fucking sucks! And I do understand very well why you did all this; I was abused similarly to you, albeit in a far less extreme way, and thus a long time ago I used to think similarly to the way you did after your fall (I don't think that way anymore because I had help, thank freaking goodness). But IT STILL FUCKING SUCKS. And it was STILL unacceptable. You can't change what you did. But you can make a different choice, moving forward!

Conventional wisdom says that there is no coming back from having fallen, but I am living proof that in this case, "conventional wisdom" is GARBAGE. I would not be sitting here, imploring you to turn your eyes towards a kinder, more compassionate worldview - one that exists in stark defiance of everything I used to believe because of what I was taught as a child - if "conventional wisdom" were true. In addition, I have met other people in the course of my derping around on this broken fucken planet who also serve as proof that anyone, no matter what has happened to them or what they've done in the past, can rise up into making a different choice. And these cases, too, are not "edge" cases. They are not exceptions to a rule. The capacity to heal and grow and change - just like the capacity to hurt and regress and stagnate - is part of the human condition. And this means that anyone can turn around! No! Matter! How! Far! They've! Walked! In! The! Wrong! Direction!!

Goddammit, Sephiroth! Turn yourself around!! Because although I understand what you're trying to do, what you're doing is NOT the way to get it done! What you're doing is BULLSHIT! Maybe you think you're demonstrating your "phenomenal power" or whatever by breaking everything around you, but what you're REALLY doing is yielding to your conditioning like it's got a chain around your neck and a cattle prod in its hand! It's weaksauce! You ALREADY KNOW HOW TO BREAK THINGS. You've spent your whole life being forced to do that even when you didn't want to!

So you gonna, you gonna what? Sit here and claim that you're "the chosen one" or some fucking horseshit, as though you've taken your power back? When really you just took the easy route of doing the same old shit you've always done - bending over and making yourself a slave to someone else's fucked-up agenda, and becoming the very thing you reviled against SO HARD that you burned down an entire fucking village in disgust, despair, and rage? I ain't buyin' it, and neither should you! All you've done is exchanged one codependent relationship for another! And it's getting fucking old! You can do better than blind, subservient obedience to some random fucking space parasite that don't give even two shits about you as much as it cares about your capacity to allow it to resume its life cycle! You've gotta know that even if you really did manage to break everything (you won't, because I fucking promise you that you'll be stopped), as soon as you've served its purpose, it's gonna toss ya like yesterday's trash, if not outright consume you like a female mantis after it's done using its mate like a fucktoy!

The developers said that we've only seen 1% of your power or some shit, but you fucking know what? You could wipe the whole goddamn universe clean. You could extinguish every last star. And STILL some random fucking autistic chick from some random fucking planet in a random fucking solar system in a random fucking galaxy has your ass beat in ALL the ways that count! And that's NOT ACCEPTABLE. I am nothing! I am NO ONE. Sephiroth!! COME ON ALREADY!!

You want strength? Do the work to defy your conditioning. Do the work to love the broken things. Do the work to become someone who does no harm yet takes no shit. Do the work to become someone who can remain soft even in this sharp and unforgiving world. Do the work to get out of your own damn way. Do the work to become someone who can treat yourself like you actually fucking matter. Do the work to get up off your knees and live. DO! THE! WORK! Don't just do the same thing you've always done and claim you've won! Don't act like a pigeon playing chess - shitting all over the board and then struttin' and swaggerin' around like you're some kind of grandmaster! That's NOT how this shit works! You haven't broken free of the pattern! All you've done is changed the hand holding your leash!

You have to stop blindly giving away your power to anyone who claims to love you! You have to stop using your power in service to the conditioning that tried to snatch away who you really are on the inside! They tried to steal away your gentleness! They tried to steal away your emotions! They tried to steal away your ability to cry, your ability to be vulnerable, your ability to be compassionate and loving! Are you just gonna sit here and let them? Are you going to keep pretending like you're cruel and hard-hearted just because a bunch of people who cared nothing for you told you that's how a proper warrior is supposed to be? Are you going to keep on like this, doing the same thing you've always done, just because taking the time to grieve and to make choices that are actually in alignment with your nature are things that feel too difficult for you to do?

…Fucking hell, but some days, clamoring for you to get your shit together feels A LOT like Atreyu trying to pull Artax up out of the swamp:

Come on!!! Turn around!!! You have to, NOW! You have to try!! You have to care!! You can't let the darkness overtake you! You gotta move or you'll die!! Please!! There's still life on the other side of mistakes. There's still life on the other side of despair. There's still life on the other side of rage, of loss, of shattering. It doesn't have to be permanent!

…I won't give up. Even if you leave those of us who care for you sitting and weeping in the middle of the swamp, staring forlornly, or in shock and in disbelief at the place where you sank, I'm not going to quit. I will keep calling out your name in hopes that you'll follow the sound back to the light. Because you're worth the effort. You're worth the pain. You're worth the grief.

I'll leave you with these:

Take the hands outstretched to you and get your ass out of the goddamn swamp. Having a swamp ass is not a good time for ANYONE involved. So please. I…

…I'll write to you tomorrow. Because I love you. In the same way that any person loves their friends. Do everything in your power to keep yourself and your planet and your friends safe. I'm begging you. Please.

Your friend, Lumine

[torialefay]

Moon in Sagittarius 🚩🚩

toxic-ish!minho x fem!reader angst; (based on astrology) 🔞

✨ synopsis: your boyfriend minho doesn’t do well with being told no. he is objectively toxic, but eventually becomes less terrible.

✨ word count: ~2k

✨ 2nd part in my Minho as Your Boyfriend Astrology Series (check my masterlist for full series)! together, let’s take a look into minho’s natal chart to see what type of boyfriend he would be!

✨ i will give a brief synopsis of what each chart placement means throughout the series (for all my non-astrology friends out there <3) and how that would affect lee know in a relationship

✨ author’s notes:

(1) i do brief compatibility readings w/ skz members! if interested, send your natal chart to my inbox, as well as which member you’d like me to read for OR if i think there is one member best suited to you <3 (i am verrrrry much behind on these, but feel free to send them. may take a few weeks)

(2) the aspects in this reading are based solely on my opinions and interpretations! nothing about a person is set in stone simply because of astrology. please don’t use anything i say as canon :)

✨warnings: toxic minho, slightly suggestive at the end

Moon in Sagittarius:

• The Moon is the ruler of emotions. It is also who you could feel yourself to be, if all was stripped from you. Many people relate it to the “psyche” or the unconscious. It represents the parts of ourselves that are most fundamental, that we may not even understand. It also reflects our “baseline” energy that we radiate while sitting quietly, being content with our own company. It is the part of ourselves that we really want to be SEEN and understood, even if we do not see or understand it ourselves.

• Sagittarius is the mutable fire sign. They are passionate people who are deeply intrigued by the world around them. They are known for needing a sense of freedom and individuality. They do not like to be tied down. In the same regard, they value exploration, adventure, and meeting new people. They see others as unique individuals and can likely meet them wherever they are at emotionally. Sagittarius people are quick thinkers, witty, and fun-loving.

• Long story short: Moon in Sagittarius people can often have light-hearted, often shifting emotions. They do not like to feel like they are pinned down to any one place. They do not like being told what to do. They will, however, bring a fun element to any time of relationship- platonic or romantic. They are fiercely loyal and passionate about those they love. They do not always feel comfortable with their emotions, so they tend to be flighty and try to run away from this. This is not a great coping mechanism and can lead to a lot of problems in expressing themselves emotionally and what they need from someone else.

As your boyfriend:

• Minho takes you on the most fun, most elaborate dates ever. He’d always find cool new things to do. And of course, he’d want to take his favorite person with him.

• He loves going home with you to meet your parents and learn more about where you grew up. He may have a nature that doesn’t come across this way, but he would inherently love getting to understand you better and see new places.

• He wants to travel with you!!! He will take you literally anywhere you want to go. And when you do, it’s just your own little world. Just the two of you.

• You have the most intellectual conversations ever. He has a lot of abstract ideas about life, and he isn’t afraid to talk to you about them. He likes to know the way you think about it too.

• You have a core group of friends that you hang out with as a couple. It’s not too big of a group, but getting together with them and having a night to cut loose is super important to him. And he loves the fact that he gets to do it with you.

• Friday night, you started to get excited as you heard the keys jingle in the lock of your shared apartment with Minho.

• Today had been a really tough week at work, and all you wanted to do was have a nice relaxing weekend with your boyfriend to decompress.

• Well, if we’re being honest, you felt like you’d crumble away to nothing if you didn’t get it. The stress was that bad.

• “Hi jagi,” Minho greeted you as he came through the hallway to the living room where you were sitting.

• “Hey honey! Please come sit with me. I need to rant about my day,” you pouted.

• He pulled a wide smirk across his face. “Well now you sound like me,” he teased.

• He walked over to the couch and plopped down next to you, letting his hand rest on your thigh.

• “Okay, what’s going on?” he asked.

• “So you know how I told you about the girl I went to high school with who just started at work? The one that’s a bitch?”

• Minho laughed. “You think everyone you work with is a bitch.”

• “You do too,” you stared at him.

• “I do not! Jisung is alright,” he smirked again, knowing that one would get an eye roll out of you… And it did.

• “Anywayssss, that girl. I’m already overwhelmed with stuff I have to get done to meet my deadline at the end of this month, and then she strolls up asking if I can help her with all of her shit too. Knowing damn well how busy I am. I see her over there laughing her ass off on the phone all day long. If she’d stop, then maybe she’d get something done. And THEN, after I told her I couldn’t because I had a bunch to work through as well, apparently she went to one of the main managers and complained that I wasn’t a good co-worker. Saying that apparently I should ‘give her a hand since she’s new’… I mean who goes to a manager with that shit and doesn’t even do a damn thing all day? All she does is gossip and talk shit. So NOW, I have a meeting with our manager Monday morning to talk about it, AND she’s spreading this all around that ‘I’m so horrible to her.’ Like genuinely, the only thing keeping me sane right now was knowing that I was coming home to you.”

• “Aww honey, I’m sorry.” Minho took your hand in his and brought it up to his mouth to plant a kiss on the back of it. “I can cook or we can order some food in and have a good night together. Whatever you want to do tonight. Just let me know what you want.”

• “I don’t want you to have to cook. I really just want you here with me. Maybe we could order some take out and then do a movie? I’m just super drained. Maybe tomorrow we could do something more fun.”

• “Tomorrow? I have plans with the boys. Felix, Jeongin, and I planned a camping trip for the weekend. It sounded like fun. But whatever you want to do tonight, we’ll do.”

• You shot up off the back of the seat. Surely you heard him wrong.

• “You’re doing what tomorrow?”

• “Going camping with Felix and I.N…”

• “Well, it would have been nice if you’d talked to me about that sooner… Or, I don’t know, maybe have just asked?”

• “Asked what? Asked if it was okay?” Minho scoffed.

• “Well, yeah?” you replied, furrowing your brows in confusion and frustration. The fuck is he being like this?

• “Sorry, I didn’t know I needed to ask for your permission to hang out with my friends,” he said sarcastically.

• “It’s not ‘asking for my permission.’ I’m just asking you to check in with me first- to talk about it...- is that so awful?”

• “I mean I would say that telling me that I either am allowed or aren’t allowed to see my friends is pretty awful. I’m an adult, y/n. You’re not my fucking parent.”

• Your blood was boiling at this point. The last thing you wanted to do was to “parent” him. But goddamn, wouldn’t it be nice for him to just see if maybe you needed him for the weekend? Or maybe if there was something he forgot was going on? Or to just let you KNOW about it? Jesus fucking Christ, here we go again.

• “I’m not trying to ‘parent’ you. I’m not trying to tell you what to do. I’m just asking that you COMMUNICATE with me what you want to do so that I know in advance. This is the second time this month alone that you've done this… And to be honest, I really don’t want you going.”

• “Here it is,” Minho rolled his eyes with an annoyed smile. “You always do this. The second I mention wanting to spend time with the boys, you’re suddenly all disapproving,” he let out a strained, sarcastic chuckle before clearing his throat. “I’m sorry if you ‘don’t want me going’, but you don’t get to tell me what I can and can’t do.”

• Minho let out a deep breath before putting his hands on his knees and using the pressure to pull himself to standing. “I’m going tomorrow. Let me know I guess if you want to spend time with me tonight.” He looked down at you before walking away to the bedroom.

• And then, the house went quiet. For a long time.

• At that point, you’d decided to just give up. Your boyfriend was a conceited asshole and there was nothing you could do about it. You were upset, but you knew that crying wouldn’t help. After all of this shit, you just wanted to sleep.

• Problem: Minho was in the bedroom. You were too exhausted to fight anymore, now not even hungry to think about dinner. Instead, you just balled yourself up on the couch and went to sleep with a resentful heart.

• An hour later, Minho came creeping out of the bedroom to find you lying peacefully on the couch. He bent down next to you.

• “Jagi,” he whispered, brushing his hand along your shoulder.

• “Jagi,” he said again, a bit louder this time. You stirred a little bit.

• “Honey, please wake up. I need to talk to you,” he said as he saw your eyes slowly open, a confused look coming over your face.

• You took your time to sit upright. Another conversation about his little "boy’s trip" was the last thing you wanted right now.

• “What is it?” you mumbled grumpily.

• “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said what I did earlier.”

• You didn’t say anything back. I mean, what could you say? It was the truth.

• “And I’m going to work on that. To work on talking to you about things better, I mean. Maybe I can have a hard time doing that sometimes.” He never would admit when he was wrong. But this was a start.

• You just looked at him, trying to give him a facial expression for him to go on. You weren’t satisfied yet.

• “And I decided I’m going to stay home with you instead. You need me more than the boys do.”

• “Okay, you don’t have to do that, Min. You can still go, but I just needed you to understand where I was coming from.”

• “And I do understand now. That’s why I’m staying with you. I made up my mind. That’s what I want to do,” he said with a proud smile.

• You let out a soft chuckle. “You’re always gonna do whatever you wanna do, huh?” you joked. You finally flashed him a smile. The first smile you’d had all night.

• He just looked at you with a grin, giving a little bit of side eye. “If that’s true, then what if I wanna do you?”

• You tried to tease him by pushing him away, giggling a little in the process.

• “You better cut it out,” he said, pulling himself back to you until he was hovering right in front of your face. “I get to do whatever I want, remember?” He smiled as he inched his lips closer, but stopped himself right before letting them touch yours. “I made my mind up. I’m gonna do you. Whatever I say goes, Jagi.”

———————————————————————

✨ author’s note: moon in sag has a lot of wonderful aspects as well, i just chose to write on the more angsty side of things :)

✨ if you enjoyed, please consider liking, commenting, and/or re-blogging <3

[loonarii]

Idolizing Imperfection: The Ancient Allusions of 'Midas Touch' - KISS OF LIFE (an essay)

I have missed writing kpop essays so much and after watching the new Kiss of Life MV, I couldn't resist doing a scene by scene (with some lyrics) breakdown of the allusions to ancient mythology - (there are lots of other modern references, especially to Britney Spears, but the ancient ones are what I will be focusing on here, believe me there is more than enough to talk about.) I don't have any official qualifications surrounding this field (yet), but I am studying classical civilization and roman literature for a qualification, and I have a long time obsession with Greek mythology especially. Obviously all of these are my interpretations, this is not a definite guide to what exactly the creative direction team at S2 Ent. were thinking about for this comeback, and if you think I missed something or have a different interpretation of one of the scenes, please let me know in the reblogs/comments.

Let’s begin with the title of the track, ‘Midas Touch’. It references the Greek myth of King Midas, who (according to Ovid’s ‘Metamorphoses’) after winning the favour of the god Dionysus, was granted any wish he desired. Midas chose the ability to make everything he touched turn into gold, a wish driven by greed. Midas revelled in his new found powers, but the problems arose when he realised that all food he touched would be turned to gold too - he had condemned himself to starve to death. The myth is essentially a cautionary tale about the effects of greed; Midas is a tragic hero that brought about his own suffering due to his hamartia (tragic flaw) - his blessing becomes his curse. Today, having a ‘midas touch’ means that everything you are involved with is successful, but the main association of Midas with greed still remains. In the context of the song, KOL are saying that a relationship with them, although destined to end in tragedy, would be worth it for the ‘gold’ they can bring - “위험할수록 재밌잖아” (“The more dangerous it is, the more fun it is”).  Midas may have died a tragic death, but his time alive was quite literally golden. Still, it feels slightly odd that KOL are associating themselves with someone so flawed - an idol should be the image of perfection, and in this way, the meaning of the song becomes quite subversive on a meta level. Keep this interpretation in the back of your mind, we will return to it later.

Within the music video itself, each of the four members are given solo scenes that I believe allude to different women of Greek mythology. Julie is first, depicted lying on a blush pink velvet heart with gold embellishments, shell and heart shaped boxes littered around her. The composition of the framing, as well as the beach imagery seems to allude to Boticelli’s ‘The Birth of Venus’, linking Julie with Aphrodite/Venus, the goddess of love. In Greek mythology, Aphrodite is seen as beautiful beyond compare, but is also often characterised as highly vain and self absorbed. After hearing that some Greeks had begun to worship the ludicrously beautiful mortal woman Psyche instead of her, (and also out of protection of her son Eros to whom Psyche was married), she sent Psyche on a series of impossible trials designed to kill her, so she could remain the most beautiful. Once again, KOL compare themselves to people in the ancient world who were famously flawed.

Natty is seen next, intertwined with glittering spider webs. This is perhaps a reference to the tale of Arachne, a mortal woman who was highly skilled at weaving. She boasted that her skills were greater than Athena herself, the goddess of handicraft (and many other things), and Athena transformed her into a spider as punishment for her hubris (excessive pride). Like the tale of King Midas, Arachne’s story also centres around a fatal flaw bringing your own downfall, and like Midas and Aphrodite, Arachne is not typically remembered fondly within Greek Mythology canon.

Perched on a half dress, half throne that resembles a peacock, Belle is seen next. Originally I wasn’t certain who was being referenced here, but after some research I believe it may be Hera, although if you have another interpretation here I would love to hear it. Hera, the goddess of marriage and fertility, queen of the gods, and wife to Zeus, is affiliated with peacocks as they are one of her sacred animals, and are said to pull her chariot like horses. Hera is also, like Aphrodite, a goddess often portrayed in a negative light in mythology, repeatedly characterised as jealous and spiteful. A famous example of this is when Hera sent two snakes to strangle Heracles/Hercules, the illegitimate son of her husband Zeus, out of spite and jealousy for the boy’s mortal mother. Whether Hera had a right to be annoyed at her husband’s repeated adultery is another discussion, but generally speaking, when Hera is in a myth, she is often the villain.

Finally, we see Haneul, perched upon a corinthian style column (we love a greek column) surrounded by severed heads on spikes, a clearly war ridden scene. This is the allusion I am the least confident about, but I think perhaps she is supposed to be Helen of Troy? Helen is famous for being the catalyst for the Trojan War (perhaps this is the war scene she sits within?), she is the ‘face that launched a thousand ships’. Depending on the source, Helen is either a victim, kidnapped by the Trojan prince Paris, or she was seduced and went willingly, abandoning her Greek husband King Menelaus. The second seems to be the accepted narrative among many Roman authors, with writers such as Martial (in Epigrams 1.62) portraying her as the polar opposite of Penelope, who was seen as the image of loyalty. As a result, Helen is commonly portrayed as disloyal and unfaithful, the opposite of what an ideal woman in the ancient world was supposed to act like.

In their group scenes, there is also SO MUCH Medusa imagery - with snakes crawling all over their faces and hissing at the camera, and half broken stone statues littered here and there. As I am sure you are probably aware, Medusa is very much a villain in the myths she is depicted in, and despite modern reevaluations of her story (that I agree with) portraying her as a victim, in the primary sources, she is essentially an evil monster for Perseus to destroy - her death marks Perseus’s ascension to hero status.

So why oh why are KOL comparing themselves to figures so flawed? In their previous releases, especially their first comeback with ‘Bad News’, the girls are depicted trying to fix injustices in society - they expose corruption in corporations, they combat casual misogyny and sexual harassment, and they call out bullying and abuse. In ‘Midas Touch’ I believe they continue their addressing of injustices and double standards, this time with a focus on the idol industry, their own stomping ground. In the kpop industry, idols are expected to be perfect in every way - beautiful, highly skilled, never controversial, and loyal to their fans. Should an idol fail to uphold these impossible standards, they are relentlessly punished, especially if the idol is a woman. Last month, Karina’s earnest apology to ‘fans’  for falling in love exposed how ludicrous the standards are to the world, and other idols like Sakura, Wonyoung, and Jennie, continue to get bullied on a daily basis for not meeting all of the bars the industry sets them. A kpop idol should be talented, but never show off, they should be beautiful and care about their looks but never be vain, confident but never egotistical, and driven by passion, not the desire for fame and money. It’s all fucking impossible, especially when what constitutes being called the second traits is utterly arbitrary and depends on how many people woke up on stan twitter and decided they didn’t like you that day. In ‘Midas Touch’ KOL calls this out by openly depicting themselves with the traits that kpop stans hate - Julie is Aphrodite, beautiful but vain, Natty is Arachne, talented but boastful, Belle is Hera, confident but jealous, Haneul is Helen, influential but disloyal, and they all are Midas, spurred on by greed instead of passion. They recognise that these accusations are unavoidable, and by reclaiming the imagery of these symbols of undesirable traits, they call out and reject the standards the idol industry places upon them. Like Medusa, they may be seen by many fans as a villain, a hurdle for their favourite groups that have more promotion and budget to overcome on their way to the top, but in actuality, they are victims of an industry desperate to mould them into products to be bought and sold. I’ve seen lots of discussion online about what KISS OF LIFE’s concept is, as it seems to vary every comeback, but after ‘Midas Touch’ I am led to believe that their concept is rebellion, against society, idol culture, and the things they deem as wrong in the world. Other groups have  done concepts similar in the past, such as LOONA in ‘Butterfly’ (you really thought I wasn’t going to bring them up at some point?? Are you new here??) but KOL is doing it explicitly, and consistently, and to me, that's very exciting. The kpop industry is ever changing, and with the foundations of the new 5th generation being established as we speak, perhaps KOL could cause it to change for the better. In summary, I am SO excited to see what they do next.

That honestly took a turn I wasn’t fully expecting at the end, but I hope you enjoyed regardless - I didn’t really talk about the actual song here, but I fucking loved it, and my full review will be part of my April monthly roundup - see previous installments on my masterlist. I encourage all of you to listen to ‘Midas Touch’ if you haven’t already, congratulations KISS OF LIFE for graduating nugudom, stream Birth by ARTMS, stan loona, and prepare for the loossemble comeback - lmk if you have any thoughts on my analysis or any other interpretations, or any topics you want me to write an essay on. cya next time ~ ari

[drdemonprince]

CW: suicide, commitment, psychosis

My sibling is someone who unequivocally says being committed saved their life and was not inherently traumatic outside of the extremely traumatic mental health crisis that led to it. (However, our local psych ER/psych inpatient is probably one of the better ones and does not use any kind of restraints or force medication. They seem to have an okay track record explaining what the pills are and asking if the person can try them, which I get can still be coercive in some cases, but worked well with my sibling. Also, I was visiting them as much as I could every day, which they found really helpful, and I could keep my eye out for any issues.)

My sibling (~30) had a severe psychotic episode that doesn't quite fit any current DSM diagnosis. They went 0 to 100 from no suicidal ideation to actively attempting suicide in front of me due to delusions about being hunted by supernatural entities who would torture them. They finally could not sleep for days, and therefore I could not go to sleep because they'd try to kill themself. They were not dangerous to me intentionally, but one or both of us could have been hurt by me trying to take a weapon from them. They could not think at all outside of panic and delusions and had no short term memory, so they describe themself as having been incapable of understanding their condition. They weren't able to engage with any social interventions, because how would you have the time or bandwidth if you were living in terror of demons about to torture you and couldn't remember conversations from an hour ago?

They went to the hospital voluntarily after being stopped from attempting, but then they were committed because of aforementioned memory issues when they shortly informed the doctors they had to leave and kill themself. In a moment of lucidity, they were glad to be there, but they just couldn't stay lucid from moment to moment. Trying to get outpatient help in the weeks all this was escalating had been fruitless, with a lot of dismissive assholes, but these particular inpatient docs actually cared and asked how they were doing and figured out a dose of antipsychotics that made it all just... stop like a switch had been flipped.

Once they weren't operating under the terrifying delusions, they 100% did not want to die and were so relieved I stopped them and got help from others when it was becoming too dangerous to us both for me to intervene alone. I get that this kind of crisis is really different from living with chronic suicidal ideation or depression, which is something I personally deal with on a low level, but it was a genuine, terrifying situation where someone's expressed wishes were the opposite of what they wanted when they could understand their situation more fully.

I am allowed to share this, but if this is somehow not on anon, please delete it. Stigma about psychosis is REAL.

Yo this is super helpful, thank you for sharing. One of the trickier aspects of upholding disabled people's autonomy and taking a harm reductionist approach to suicide and self-harm is the fact that people in a state of psychosis may temporarily want something they would otherwise never want.

Though with some experience working through it with a caring and informed support network, it is possible to stand in for the person's stated desires and help them get through the period of lacking lucidity -- and of course psychosis can become a lot less destabilizing with time. i know someone who relies on a close friend to help ground them when they're having delusions and hallucinations -- a quick phone call is now enough to convince them they don't need to kill themselves, but that's after years of getting used to having psychotic states.

glad you and your sibling found solutions and made it through this okay.

[jonesypiercedme]

Well, he doesn't get to go home now. Telemachus is suffering all alone without his father and he, Penelope, Argos, and everyone who loved Odysseus feel every pain he goes through while having to hold their own with even more monsters. Can you imagine begging people to listen to you, that your family is dying, that you are in agony, that you are dying, and everything around you is falling apart, and everyone else is in too much of their own pain and need to prove their own power to give you patience and time and understanding? If Ithaca needed a king, none of them stepped up to prove themselves, but an unproven Telemachus did. Why can't you do small things and keep fighting until something works, too? If someone had been patient with me and understood I was physically dying of pain and stress earlier, I may not have gone to three psych wards and not have lost 24 years of my life. But no one knew, because no one could understand it, but there's no need to understand. Just do something, anything, even, in order to help others, then Odysseus returns home, and then maybe I would have been lucid sooner.

I have a friend who is suffering due to everyone around them suffering, seeing their friends and family and home in agonizing pain as they seek aide, having to fill the role and take on the pain of all three heroes trying to advocate for them. Ahmed and Dina Alanqar have three very young children and an infant in the midst of a war. that is not something ever meant to cross paths, and yet it keeps happening. The cost of travel, living, and loving your family only keeps going up. Every day you must bargain and barter just for a chance to survive, and the cost is only ever increasing amounts of agonizing tears, time lost, pain gain, and blood shed. Families need each other, and it is more than just one family, but theirs is in need of assistance right now, and you have an ability to reblog, read, donate a couple dollars, share your thoughts, think about them, and just try to remember how to be a human by loving others and reaching out, even if you flail for nothing, you'll find someone's hand, every time. Just forget the pain and humiliation of the flailing in the dark, and keep trying to get to the right place.

https://gofund.me/7b67a844

Please read through their story too, even if you cannot donate. You just read a bit of Telemachus', mine, and my rendition of theirs, but they are still speaking openly. They have a lot to say and they have a whole, loving family. If not their story, then look in the eyes of another family because there is nothing different between these children, mothers, fathers, random people who feel they are without ties, cats, creatures, land, and olive trees than yours, besides the fact that you cannot look at them and read their story too. Even if you have no money right now, people need to be seen to be aided. I can't type very fast and am currently going through a lot, but it wasn't difficult to look someone in the eyes when I was lucid enough to try, and it isn't difficult to make a poll or empathize with someone by showing compassion, regardless of environmental circumstances.

I'm sorry, I don't have more I can say right now, because stories are meant to be shared and people are meant to be loved and helped.

Here is a photo of three of their beautiful and hopeful children, Eileen, Yamen, and Zeina. I cannot imagine what Telemachus looked like, but I imagine similar to them.

[doomed-era]

for that ship ask game: mipha x link and midna x zelda?

YAYYY I love miphlink and midzel!!!

ok this is a long one so yay we get a cut.

Mipha/Link:

yeeeesss I think these two are cute as hell. I think there's some exploration to be had with their relationship being explicitly romantic. enough that i've written a fic about them, so. yeah I like it. I don't remember exactly when I got into it, it's been in the back of my mind for a long time since I've always liked Mipha. sidon saying Link looks upset after the Mipha memory still gets me

As for why I like them? I've gone over how I interpret Mipha's character a couple of times before but I'll try to sum it up: Mipha and Link are frightfully similar characters in more ways than one. They are quiet warriors who are willing to sacrifice everything for Hyrule (and, in a way, the status quo), and are treated as larger-than-life heroes before and after their deaths. It's difficult to know what they thought about this, because not only do they not talk about their motivations, Breath of the Wild doesn't really want to dwell on them and instead is happy to just see them as their roles. Link is the brave knight who is faithful to his duty and royalty (barf), and Mipha is the. girl version of this which is basically saying she's treated as saintly and passive and self-sacrificial (barf). I want something better for them!! grabs them both like this!!!

WITH ALL THAT ASIDE. I think the whole unrequited love thing Mipha has going with Link is boring unless Mipha and Link's psyches are explored respectfully (heaven knows Some People think she's better off dead and "lustful and creepy." somehow???? putting them in a relationship filters out a lot of that sentiment/I think pining like that can get obnoxious if it's stretched out.) so. I prefer them being in a relationship and exploring how that affects them. because BOY do I think it would. their similar natures would absolutely make their lives hard because they are AWFUL communicators and are constantly throwing themselves in front of each other. mipha keeps trying to figure out what link's doing and what happened to him while. not actually saying this sentiment out loud. and link's just in knight mode, being his. knightly selfless self while that's not what mipha wants! she KNOWS it's just a facade! meanwhile she's trying to keep up her OWN facade of unconditional gentleness while also being under so much pressure and not wanting to have anyone to lean on because everyone ELSE is under pressure too and link won't confide in her because vulnerability is for suckers and mid-afternoon snacktime. YIPPEEEEEEEE!!!! maybe in a better world they'd figure that out. in a world that accepted them for who they are instead of forcing them to perform. in a world that allowed them to be selfish. and maybe, together, they can learn to be selfish for each other.

also I think sidon being link's brother in law is funny

hot take mipha isn't creepy for liking link now that he's older it's like an aragorn/arwen thing. I understand that it's kind of unusual for someone to think that way about a childhood friend, but I don't think it's morally wrong. leave her alone for god's sake the amount of hate i've seen in the miphlink tag makes my blood boil. I've read fics treating her like some sort of byword. you don't have to like her, and criticizing a female character is okay. mipha's writing isn't the greatest (I mean, no female character in BOTW/TOTK is really written adequately, especially if they get slotted into a love interest role) but I think you all are just being sexist and trying to convince yourselves you're morally correct for it by covering it up with puritanism. you're not slick.

OKAY. SORRY FOR THE TEXTWALL LMAO

Midna/Zelda:

OH I SHIP THEM BABEY!!!! mostly bc of some lovely art I've seen on tumblr and rotating the "your heart and mine were one" line in my head (I am paraphrasing i don't think that's the actual line but MIDNAS FACE WHEN ZELDA SAID THAT. AUGH) also their general familiarity with each other/Midna's quips towards her.

why I ship them? uhh well as mentioned. the lines/their chemistry although not really dwelt upon is good. and also I like both of them a lot and TP Zelda is a lesbian midna is bisexual 100% ok byebye

hot takes? idk I really don't have any. I just kinda like them they're pretty

[hybbat]

I think black sails' main major flaw to me is how little focus the crews themselves get, despite how much of the story is focused on their approval and loyalty. Like the Walrus's crew all had names and I believe consistent actors and they just did not take advantage of it as much as could have been.

We get told they trust Silver at the end of s2 more than we see it and despite Silver placing his worth in their opinion of him and it driving his character for most of s3 we don't see much of his relationship with them, and the near absence of this aspect of his character goes almost unnoticed in all the plot of s4. Nevermind the other crews who at most got a named quartermaster and mostly rotated the rest of the cast throguh the ships.

Black Sails' writing is incredibly tight but I think in some ways it's almost too tight, as we only get glimpses and brief moments of telling and not showing of characters that could have done more for the story. As it is, though, walrus crew are mostly a singular mass who we get told have divided opinions but except a representative for negative sentiments that can be killed off to show the conflict's end the crew always function together at the command of whoever has spoken. You never know what Joji thinks, and just have to take for granted that he doesn't speak english and goes with whatever for survival's sake without much of a personal opinion on the nonsense going on around him.

They're actually pretty okay about it in s1 and parts of s2, but as the plot ramps up in s3 and s4 and the cast multiplies with the maroons and british anyone who isn't a main character gets pushed out. Which make sense but also the crew remains incredibly important they just replace them with Gunn and Hands, and Degroot's the only one who retains any importance.

It's more of a situation of you can't do everything, and after s1 the plot is so increbly fast paced and complex I'm not sure adding more episodes to give the breathing room needed to slip scenes with the crew in would have helped more than harmed. But it is one of those things that makes wish for... idk, like a mini series spin off thats lower stakes from the crew's perspective, like following Joji and his time on the crew. Something to even just retrospectively give a bit more weight to all the scenes of a cannon bladting 3 guys' limbs off and giving us more than the single convo Silver had with Muldoon to be sad about his death, or even just put more names to faces in the scene where they promise to look out for him.

Especially given that most of the main characters' are at least partly motivated and characterized by their relationship to said crew, whether that's Billy who is entirely driven by his care for them as brother, Flint who cares but ultimately sees them as pawns, or Silver whose character development is built around his changing relationship with them. Billy's story especially, the show treats Gunn as something of a standin for the crew in his story but the fact that Gunn ultimately never actually gives any opinions about the power shifts and falls in line with Flint without any fanfare says a lot.

They do it every once in a while where a crewmate will get aone big scene to show them off like the sniper or the leg cutting or the drowning, and I think even just a few more of those would have been great. Dufresne's treatment by the story from season to season definitely perfectly encapsulates the fall off I think.

Idk i think a lot about how we got to see every crevise of Flint's psyche while the only time Joji's name is said on screen is completely disconected from him to the point few people know his name, and seconds couldn't be spared for acknowledgement that he likely couldn't speak english to the point its equally reasonable to assume he was simply never given any lines, despite both being in the show from beginning to end. For a character who could have had his own entire series based on how the hell he got where he is and whose personal story could have so easily and heavily tied into the main themes of the show, it's pretty remarkable.

I want a prequel/sidequel with Joji as the main character, is what I'm saying.

[furorsopher]

things i think we forget when talking about hamilton as a person (and that’s not necessarily a bad thing bc that guy lived 200 years ago, it’s good to keep distance sometimes)

hamilton was a real human being who had a personality, in jokes with friends and family, and varying emotions. and as a kid, multiple things occurred that would permanently affect and change a child.

he grew up in an town where abuse of other humans - specifically slaves - was a day to day occurrence, and since he lived close to the port and worked in trading, he had to have witnessed a lot of gruesome mistreatment of fellow humans. not to mention the tragedy of his mothers life, and the end she met.

he had to grow up and work to keep himself alive at 14, think about a cousin, or sibling, or somebody you know that’s 14, do you think they’re adult enough to sustain themselves? hamilton wasn’t some other species that matures sooner, he was still a child. but nevertheless he became fairly successful and then a natural disaster came and he had to endure suffering again, saw others die, families being separated never to be reunited.

all of that takes a toll on somebody. even one of those events would traumatise some people - especially children and teens - so bad they wouldn’t be able to live normally ever again. it’s pretty safe to say that hamilton was no exception to that.

his college mates described him as deeply depressed, he was so religious it stuck out at fucking king’s college, a very christian institution that required attending mass daily - even if it was simply routine to him and he wasn’t actually as religious it’s still quite the feat. his fleeing into his studies and prayer was his form of escapism. when he found his coping mechanisms in work, he was gonna work until he dropped.

that’s a pretty tell-tale sign of somebody with substantial issues. not to mention the shit that happened later in his life, his life in the army, the annual reoccurrence of the illness that killed his mother, the death of his closest friend, the death of his only even remotely positive father figure.

just because tragedy in childhood was something most people had - and have - to deal with, doesn’t make it any less traumatic. those were still people.

hamilton wasn’t of an overtly weak psyche, but not because “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”, but because he literally didn’t know anything else. and we can see that in how he reacted to other traumatic stuff that happened to him - or rather how he didn’t react. how he shut down, basically nobody heard from him after phillip died, he shut up and closed off after laurens died. his immune system was shit, he was susceptible to fainting spells. physical weakness is also a symptom of something wrong. he forced his oldest son into a strict schedule to get all his studies and life done in college. that’s a shit thing to do, but we can see how scared he was that phillip won’t be able to achieve something of his own.

and also we see how self destructive hamilton got, constantly overworking, throwing himself at the nearest parent-aged adult around, the symptoms of hyper sexuality often seen in trauma victims are also apparent in his time working under washington. that twink knew to get what he could by batting his eyelashes and he did exactly that.

and later, when he went to duel burr, he fully prepared to die then and there, spending time with his family the days before, being as affectionate as he could to his kid - specifically the one in a prime age to be permanently traumatised by a parent dying. the others were either older and more independent or too young to really understand what was going on. he was planning to die and had a hunch even before burr knew he was gonna kill him. he had been in like a dozen other duels and all of them settled without shooting. why would that time be different?

- though i don’t think that was his goal when provoking burr, that was just his actual opinion and maybe some repressed bitterness shining though, it was probably just an added bonus -

also: he was mostly atheist during his adult life, but turned back to religion and clung to it after phillip’s death - suicide was a sin (though not a mortal one like in catholicism which AHam actively hated on btw) in the anglican belief at that time i believe (correct me if im wrong) so maybe the duel could count as self murder over a corner or two.

hamilton was a person. an actual man who lived 49 very productive years and died after he had had enough. a person who was deeply effected by his experiences.

please don’t take any of this too seriously and everything with a huge grain of salt, i’m a 17 year old who likes history and trauma psychology, im not gonna get everything right - this is all highly speculative and probably not even relevant to most conversations abt the guy i just wanted to put my thoughts somewhere, no this isn’t proofread pls correct me on any mistakes ive made <3 have a lovely dayyyy :3

main source is Alexander Hamilton by Ron Chernow and various documents found in the founders archive

[pretentious-art-love]

Album Reviews #76 - The Downward Spiral by Nine Inch Nails

So full spoilers, this is not going to be a positive review. However, there are some nice things I can say about this record.

Now, I think this album expresses very thoroughly the nature of a lot of self destructive behaviors. I was mentioned about what this album is about and it explains to me a lot how this album is special. Many songs feature contradictory or at least confusing statements, dialogues between a divided psyche, and oscillations between hopelessness and megalomania. If you've ever been depressed and hoped that your suffering or own toxic actions were actually unlocking a superpower or spiritually enlightening you, only to know deep down that that would be too easy of a way out to be real, this album will speak to you.

In this album there are a lot of things mentioned, like drugs, sex, and a sense of superiority towards society itself and organizations they see as corrupt, but the beautiful part about music is that to you it could be anything that could make you feel more powerful but you know that it is hurting you in the long way, whereas its drugs, sex (like in the albums lyrics), or just letting yourself go to very strong emotions in the worst times, it could be just extreme rage itself. Edgy music can usually go "I want to kill everyone!" but in The Downward Spiral the speaker is generally both excited and horrified by such thoughts, which makes them incredibly relatable.

Aside the rage and excitement, the songs also cover numbness. You can think you couldn't care less about what it is happening to you, but you are only becoming more and more numb. The speaker in the record knows it's all hollow, but they also also don't think they can stop going down this path. They know they are losing their mind and a part of them thinks they can trick themselves into this being a good thing if they give into it. Aside the rage, the numbness, and hedonist and wishfully carefree attitude of these songs, the album also depict sadness and hopelessness when the speaker see who they have hurt and how they end up committing suicide, at the final statements of the album leave a sense of ambiguity about if they fill they would have ended up the same way if they did it all over again, or if its a feeling of acceptance about their whole selves.

All songs conform a cycle about the excitement, the horror and loss of the sense of itself caused by a extreme pain that break the mind of the speaker, and reflect on one kind of insanity that a lot of people could end up relating to. Personally I am not a lyrics person myself, if you think this is a lyric focused album, you could call it as such, but all songs represent these emotions and feelings properly. Mr Self Destruct and Big Man With a Gun reflect that sense of megalomania and power with energetic and intense melodies. Piggy has a sense of carelessness and nihilism with their chill beat, confident vocals and scary samples repeated on the background. Heresy and March of the Pigs put you on that sense of confrontational grandeur towards others. Closer is kinda catchy, I guess, and almost sexy, it is a song about pleasure, but there will always be dissonant samples that make you uneasy. Ruiner, The Becoming, I Do Not Want This, Eraser, and Reptile are dark, bleak tracks with dissonant samples that allow you to feel horror, pure horror, and songs like A Warm Place and Hurt which are deeply sorrowful and carry a lot of self pity. My favorite track for sure is the title track, that, in a way, captures all these emotions all at once, colliding, spiraling out of control, it is an ineffable moment. If the whole album would have been like this, it would have been a masterpiece.

With all that said, half of the songs are really uninteresting and a lot of the album has this sound I find very pristine and bland.

Don't ask me to listen to it more or wait for it to grow on me, I have 322 scrobbles on this thing of all the times I tried to drill it onto my head, and it didn't work. It might be conceptually brilliant or whatever but Trent's electronic sound palette is as interesting as passing your bare teeth through paper and the songs are so tight fit that they make me feel like I'm wearing some suffocating jeans. I hope you can see I really, really wanted to like it, but if something sounds like shit there is nothing that you can do to make it work. I'm done.

Custom Tracklist (With the tracks I like)

1 Mr. Self Destruct

2 Piggy

3 March Of The Pigs

4 The Becoming

5 Big Man With A Gun

6 Eraser

7 The Downward Spiral

Runtime: 27 minutes

4/10