#I will fight the gatekeepers who try to discourage you. | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

cadybear420 · 7 months ago

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Oh ehm geeeeee those outfits are like sooooooo fantastic on you MC ohehmgeeeee!!!! You'll totally win homecoming king and the LI will never be able to take their eyes off of youuuuuuu! +Desire +Desire +Desire +Desire +Desire +Desire +Desire +Desire +Desire +Desire +Desire +Desire +Desire +Desire +Desire +Desire +Desire +Desire +Desire

The criticisms of the scene with Arthur (the creep) always icked me out. Men can be sexually harassed or assaulted. Queer men are just as capable of being creepy and disgusting as straight men. There is NO reason that scene ‘couldn’t happen’ with a male MC.

Exactly. And not to mention that sexual assault is often about power rather than lust.

And the implication that a ‘real man’ would just ‘take it’ when being assaulted? Awful awful awful I’m gonna vomit.

Yep yep, it's that sort of mindset that leads to the dismissal of male sexual assault victims. "He should have been able to fight off the attacker". Or "he probably enjoyed it, guys like being touched by women, and he had an erection during the event therefore he enjoyed it".

A lot of the discussions around male MCs unfortunately end up veering into misogyny at some point, whether that be in the form of denigrating the supposedly ‘female qualities’ of the male MCs

Exactly, so much of the "female coded m!MC" discussions are usually just thinly veiled gender essentialism. Deadass saw one person say it was "female coded" for male MCs to GIGGLE. I'm not even joking. Choices Reddit is just that awful.

or complaining about the silent majority of “horny middle-aged housewives”. That’s a slightly paraphrased version of a sentiment I’ve seen A LOT.

On one hand, I kind of get where people are coming from with that argument, in that they're upset about PB slashing the variety in their books to pander to a narrow view of a specific demographic. But when you really think about it, it is a bit poorly constructed. We should be blaming PB for sanding down their variety and quality in order to pander, rather than the target audience themselves.

Like, 40 year old moms from Facebook aren't coming over to PB headquarters and holding PB at gunpoint forcing them to make all their books be genderlocked steamy billionaire affair normative-role romances. PB is the group actively choosing to do that themselves because they think it will bring in the money, and blaming the target audience for that is shifting responsibility.

And if it's not either of those, it's people being defensive of even the pointless genderlocking because "the video game industry has catered to men for years, this is one of the few video games that has female locked leads so let us have this". Right because we just have sooooo many video games out there that allow male leads to be protected by a bodyguard, or be a nanny romancing his boss, or be saved from drowning by a hunky ship captain! Because it's just sooooo groundbreaking for women to have video games where the female leads get saved/protected or romance their social superior but never the other way around! Allowing men to be in those roles in a video game too will be invading women's spaces!

Seriously, like obviously there's nothing wrong with women having these fantasies, but when you're trying to gatekeep them from men in the name of "muh few female locked vidya games", you're just making yourself look like a fool and there's no way around it.

It’s really discouraging sometimes. Gender roles are a scam and it sucks that I can’t escape them even in discussions about my silly little visual novels.

As a GNC woman who prefers genderfucking/role-reversed romances, playing some of the modern GOC books in the mlw route (TCH is a big one in that category, and books like ID, DLS, and SW are also pretty damn enjoyable in wlm routes) always gives me comfort. It does challenge normative gender roles, even if unintentionally on PB's part. And it's so refreshing to see stuff like that in a genre that's pretty dominated by heteronormativity.

Frankly, outside of the GOC-MC GOC-LI mlw routes, it's very rare to get routes like Aiden from HSS, Tyler from MAH, 100% wlm TPA playthrough, that lean into vibes of or have moments of challenging romantic gender roles. Let alone embracing it completely like Imtura fromm BOLAS. The romance genre tends to lean heavily into gendered roles and Choices is often a microcosm of that. I love the game, but it gets very alienating sometimes, and the "female coded" takes is just beating us while we're already down.

And like, I get it. People are tired of almost always having to take on a more feminine or feminine-associated role in Choices romances. But what these coding takes do is act like it's a problem for male MC players only. Some people say it's about having more variety/choices but that's only true 50% of the time. People complain all the time about GOC MC from AME being walked down the aisle by default regardless of gender, but no one ever complains about it for the genderlocked MC from ROE.

Also! Even if the m!MC complaints were all true - as a 5’4 hysterical man, we deserve representation too baby!! 😤😤

Right! I'm tired of people thinking men aren't allowed to be emotionally expressive unless it's anger to the point of punching things.

HARD agree on that last paragraph - even if I did have a problem with TCH MC, I’d much rather have a slightly inauthentic MC than be straight-up misgendered like in Veil of Secrets. Why can’t the fandom focus on the real issues instead of contrived complete non-issues??

I'm all for more MCs that can have masc or masc-associated roles in the romance, obviously, but so many people act like that's only important for male MCs and not for female MCs. Taking the few bits of rep we do have in this game and acting like it's bad characterization of male MCs/female LIs. I feel like that just has some very problematic implications to say the least.

i don’t care if he’s “female coded” i love m!TCH mc and his disney princess-ness and nothing will ever change that

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emlenvs3000f21 · 3 years ago

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What are my values as an interpreter?

Over the past few months I have learned a lot about the importance of nature interpretation theory and my responsibilities as an interpreter. I wanted to start by mentioning a formula for nature guiding, written by Enos Mills in 1920. Mills was one of the first individuals to use the term “interpret” when talking about the duties of a “nature guide” and he laid the groundwork for others like Freeman Tilden (1950s) to create the principles of interpretation that continue to guide interpreters to this day (Beck et al., 2018, pp 8, 83). Mills’ formula for good “nature guiding” was as follows:

• Appeal to the imagination and the reason. • Give flesh and blood to cold facts. • Make stories to breathe life into inanimate objects. • Deal with principles rather than isolated information. • Give biographies rather than classifications.

-(Beck et al. 2018, pp. 83)

I love these simple statements because they hold such relevance even to this day. I agree that for interpretation to be real, important, and moving, it should be imaginative, creative, and use stories and real-life examples to make programs interesting and engaging. Many of my motivations for being an interpreter come from my own learning styles and this type of work is very fulfilling for me. I personally am a visual learner and learn the best from hands on demonstrations and illustrations. I also learn much better from hearing someone explain topics instead of reading them in a textbook. As an interpreter, I will strive to make programs interesting and engaging through many different hands-on examples, stories, pictures, and easy to digest information. I will still accommodate other learning styles like making sure I have written options for those who learn better from the written word. I will try to get to know my groups if I can to present information in the most engaging way possible.

The rest of this post contains my core beliefs and motivations as an environmental interpreter, I am interested in hearing what motivates some of you to pursue nature interpretation.

1. Share information in an inclusive way.

(Photo by Emma Lippert)

I have had the privilege to explore many different natural spaces over the years and have been able to further my environmental education in university, but I have come to dislike some things about traditional post-secondary education. Many people I interact with are incredibly smart, but they struggle to share their knowledge with others in an inclusive way, so there is often a “gatekeeping” of information simply because these individuals can’t communicate their knowledge in an easy to digest format. I vow to share my knowledge with others in an inclusive way and not withhold information simply because I think I cannot explain it properly. The whole purpose of interpretation is to share the beauty of the world with others and help them gain a better understanding of how the world around them works.

2. Dispel fear of the outdoors.

(Photo by Emma Lippert)

I mentioned in my very first blog post that I started out with a tentative relationship with nature as many of the unknowns scared me. Weird insects, spiky plants, vast forests that you could get lost in, they all frightened me and because I hadn’t perfectly “mastered the outdoors” I was constantly discouraged from trying to enjoy it. Having role models like teachers and employers who have encouraged and pushed me to explore more of nature, I have grown to really appreciate all that it has to offer. I noticed that once I learned some facts about certain creatures or plants, I could better appreciate them and their role in life on earth and I know that I will continue to use my knowledge to help others be less afraid of nature and embrace it for all its complex beauty.

3. Fight for access to natural spaces and removal of systemic and structural barriers.

(Photo by Emma Lippert)

I believe that everyone should have access to nature interpretation activities and natural spaces. Much of this fear of nature can come from inadequate environmental education or barriers to accessing natural spaces. I think it is very disappointing to know that there are people who live so close to parks and natural spaces, but can’t access them due to financial, language, transportation, or accessibility barriers. If we can start to bring people to nature or nature to people more often, we could see more people becoming empowered by the environment and respecting it. Through increased affordable transportation options to parks, lower entrance fees, well maintained and accessible trails, multilingual signage, a diverse range of interpreters, and more events that include various marginalized communities, some of these barriers can be minimized (Beck et al., 2018, pp 134-137).

4. Creating community gardens and other environmental initiatives in urban settings

(photo of Ron Finley from https://worldwarzero.com/magazine/2020/06/eco-hero-ron-finley/)

In the future I hope to work with other non-profit organizations to help make natural spaces more accessible and approachable to a wider range of demographics, especially those who cannot afford to visit natural spaces. I believe there is great importance in community engagement and I think local initiatives such as community gardens or refurbishing local parks are really important in bringing nature to urban spaces and providing an educational opportunity.

Here is a link to an article and a short video about a group in Guelph who came together to improve a community garden’s compost system. https://guelph.ca/living/recreation/parks/community-and-pollinator-gardens/

I also highly suggest you watch this TED talk by Ron Finley on his work in South Central Los Angeles and how he is transforming urban food deserts into places where communities can come together, learn, and grow their own food. These are the kinds of initiatives that make me excited to work with the environment. https://www.ted.com/talks/ron_finley_a_guerrilla_gardener_in_south_central_la/transcript?language=en#t-2942

5. Highlight Indigenous cultures and their importance.

(Gwaii Haanas National Park Reserve, National Marine Conservation Area Reserve, and Haida Heritage Site. (Parks Canada) https://www.haidagwaiiobserver.com/news/reopening-of-gwaii-haanas-delayed-until-2021/)

Finally, I believe that for Canada to have any success in the future, we must make amends with Indigenous communities and work collaboratively with them to help interpret and protect our ecosystems and land. I have always admired Indigenous belief systems and how connected they are to the earth. If we could all just understand our connection to life on this planet, I think this world would be a much better place, but urbanization and colonization have separated us from this relationship. In future interpretation roles I will make sure to integrate Indigenous knowledge holders and their stories into talks to remind everyone of this important link between peoples.

Thank you for reading this far! It has been a pleasure getting to learn with you all and I wish you all the best in your future endeavours!

References

Beck, L., Cable, T. T., & Knudson, D. M. (2018). Interpreting cultural and natural heritage. Sagamore-Venture Publishing.

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hussyknee · 4 years ago

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Hi, fellow lgbt+ inclusionist here. It's cool that you've reclaimed "queer" for yourself and use it as a self-descriptor, but do not call lgbt+ gatekeepers "queer people". Hell, don't call anyone (who isn't yourself) "queer" without their explicit consent. Even if you don't think it's an anti-lgbt slur—for whatever nonsensical and ahistorical reason—don't label people with words they may or may not label themselves as; it's just rude.

The whole point of inclusionism is that "queer" is an acceptable term to call the ourselves and each other, excepting individual preference. The way we say "disabled people", unless someone says "I prefer person with disabilities actually" or even "differently-abled for me please" when referred to directly.

By and large the disabled community now severely side-eyes person-first language because of how it's a dogwhistle for anti-austistic ableism, and the second is considered a downright insult. But on an individual level people get to be called what they want. That doesn't mean we can't call each other "disabled" because not everyone likes it.

Hell, I hate being called "Desi". That word comes from the Hindi word "Des" which means "country", and so carries implications of North Indian manifest destiny, which is an ongoing cultural and geo-political concern for everyone else who lives in the subcontinent that isn't Indian. That doesn't mean I get a hair up my ass every time someone calls it the "Desi community" or refers to a group that includes me as "Desi". Because there's a lot more diaspora history behind the word than just that.

Look, we're all gonna get called by some shorthand we don't like when we're part of a larger community. Anyone who doesn't personally want to be called queer is fine. Anyone who wants to make a space for themselves and others like them that isn't called queer is also cool.

But that's not what exclusionists are doing. They're actively trying to smear and degrade a word that is important to a lot of people and shame everyone out of using it. And they have used this rhetoric to bully aces and aros and whoever doesn't conform to their conditions out of the community. There are people with literal PTSD from their bullshit.

So I personally do not give a good shit what they want. I won't refer to a specific person as queer if they decline the word but I'm also not going to take a survey every time I want to refer to non-allo-cishet people or discourage cis hets from using the word. That's literally what stigmatising means.

Also I really need all of you to understand - none of this shit matters. Right now I'm doing an anthropology program and waist deep in academic literature on queer decolonization. I was on a Zoom conference yesterday listening to human rights lawyers talking about queer activists in India and Uganda fighting bills that would allow the state-sanctioned murder of gay and transgender people. We're pulling researchers from various Departments of Queer Studies from all over the world to understand how colonized peoples saw sexuality and gender, completely divorced from whatever we now think of as "LGBT". There are countless cultures that has no innate understanding of a cishet Vs non-cishet binary. Concepts of queerness and queer histories completely apart from the gay liberation movements of the UK and Stonewall.

And we call them all "queer" when we communicate in English (one single colonial language out of six thousand languages, that the majority of the world doesn't even speak) because it's a placeholder term. Nothing more or less.

Stay in your little social media bubbles and bleat about whatever alphabet soup you'd rather use. I don't care. The rest of us have actual work to do.

#idgaf if you're an inclusionist or whatnot #take your concern-trolling and gtfo #exclusionism #queer discourse #lgbtqia #aphobia #asks #knee of huss

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damaless · 5 years ago

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Instead Of Getting Hit, Don't

Chapter Two: A New Adversary

“Shouto, my boy! Your continued efforts to escape the Underworld and take your rightful place here on Olympus have not gone unnoticed!” A deep, booming voice echoes through his mind.

Is that…?

“I am here! On Olympus! Ready to lend you my strength!”

All Might has taken notice of his escape attempts? The king of the gods? That's… incredible. He's been helped by several other Olympians — among others, Hawks and Edgeshot had allowed him to borrow their powers — but this is the first time All Might himself has reached out to him.

Surely, with his power, Shouto will be able to take on even the most powerful enemies Elysium has to offer.

***

“Oh! You're back already!” There’s that damned smile again.

“Seems so.” Shouto stares straight ahead. He’d wasted his opportunity to benefit from All Might’s strength. It had been… hard to control, and he’d died before even reaching Asphodel. He’ll probably never get another chance like that again.

“Ouch! Got clobbered by a Wretched Thug in Tartarus, huh? That must have hurt!” Izuku winces sympathetically.

Shouto sighs. “Yep.”

“You know, they hit hard, but they’re slow, and not very smart — I’m surprised one of them took you out!”

What a fucking waste of time. Of course, Izuku’s records just tell him the final blow, the single last strike that had killed him. It doesn’t show him that Shouto had just faced down a dozen Thugs before five or six Witches had cornered him with a barrage of hellish magic, and that the act of dodging all of that had put him into the path of one last Thug delivering one last blow.

Shouto counts in his head as he exhales slowly. It won’t do any good to yell at Izuku.

He tries to ignore Izuku’s continued rambling about Thugs and how if next time, Shouto can manage to kill them before they kill him, he won’t be dead. Great. Very insightful.

“Thanks, Izuku,” he says, mechanically.

Izuku replies with yet another cheery ‘You’re welcome!’ as Shouto heads farther into the House.

Again.

***

“Momo, do we really have to do this again?” Shouto asks, letting the tip of his sword drop to the ground with a clang. Fighting his childhood friend to the death over and over again is starting to wear his morale pretty fucking thin.

Despite the set of her jaw, there is a hint of sadness in her eyes. “You know we do, Shouto.”

She's right, unfortunately. His father will never let her get away with shirking her duties. And her duty, as of late, has been to stop him from escaping. She's always here, at the farthest reaches of Tartarus, waiting to kill him. Sometimes she succeeds.

Not this time.

His hands shake, covered with his friend's blood after he'd run her through with his sword. He'll never, never get used to this. The floor under her body had turned into a pool of blood and she had disappeared beneath the surface. It would be a disturbing image if it didn't signify her return to the House. She'll be back there by now, already. Totally fine. Not a scratch on her.

He tries hard to make her deaths as quick and painless as possible. He's not entirely sure if she's been extending him the same courtesy. Actually, she might be under orders to make it as brutal as possible.

The liminal space between Tartarus and Asphodel has another healing fountain, but he barely needs it — the Olympians have given him a number of defensive abilities this time.

“Don't you dare take a single step into Asphodel! Let this ridiculous rebellion of yours come to an end, Shouto!” His father's voice thunders through the Underworld.

He doesn't bother to respond.

***

The hydra kills him again. All the borrowed godly defense in the world can't help him if the hydra’s heads force him into the lava and trap him there.

“That lava will kill you quickly if you stay in it too long!” Izuku explains, oh so helpfully. “You're fire resistant, not fireproof.”

“Right. How could I have forgotten? Silly me.” Shouto sighs. “Thanks, Izuku.”

“You're welcome!”

Does he not pick up on the sarcastic tone in his words at all? Or he just chooses every time to respond as if Shouto’s thanks is genuine?

Maybe he'll give the bow another try.

Again.

***

Shouto stumbles upon Kirishima in Tartarus this time, which is always a welcome break from all the things trying to kill him. It's not possible to find his way to this chamber deliberately — Tartarus is always shifting itself around to make it harder for him to find his way out — but whenever he does, he can count on Kirishima to do whatever he can to make his life a little easier.

“How are you able to keep a positive attitude after all this time?” Shouto asks.

He'd have thought that being sentenced to an eternity of pushing a boulder up a hill only for it to roll right back down again would drive a soul to madness, eventually. But Kirishima is here with a smile on his face every time.

“Bouldy here helps keep my spirits up!” Kirishima explains, gesturing at the giant boulder he's chained to. Shouto notices the smiling face carved into the boulder. Has that always been there? He eyes Kirishima carefully. Madness, indeed.

Regardless, he has some supplies for Shouto, as usual — where does he even get them?? — and he sends him on his way with a prayer for good luck.

Luck doesn't have much to do with it, unfortunately.

He takes a breath before entering the chamber Momo is tasked with guarding. At least with a bow, he's less likely to end up covered in her blood. It's an unhelpful thought. He doesn't need to literally have her blood on his hands to suffer from the trauma of killing his best friend again.

And she's… not there? Who…?

“Hey, Half-Face!” his new adversary shouts.

“Who are you? Where is Momo?” Shouto trains his face into impassivity. He can't look like he's concerned for her, or his father will find another way to use her to discourage him.

“Guess your dear old dad got fed up with her incompetence after she let you through one too many times.” Crazed red eyes flare. “Called in someone who can actually get the job done.”

Fuck. Who knows what she's being put through now? He clenches his fist around his bow. He has to kill this new guy and make it look easy; hopefully that will take some of the heat off of Momo for failing to stop his escape attempts.

After a bit of a struggle, he manages to put an arrow through that head of pale, spiky hair. As abrasive and unpleasant as his new gatekeeper had been, he still breathes a sigh of relief when the pool of blood appears and swallows up the body. He has no taste for actual killing.

He dies anyway, in Asphodel, when the ground he’d been standing on had suddenly become a barge of death floating along the river of lava. Enemies had materialized out of nowhere on all sides of him. The power of the goddess, Midnight, which had allowed him to weaken his enemies’ attacks, had seemed like it would be enough, but then another wave of enemies had appeared. And another. And he’d succumbed.

Izuku smiles as brightly as ever. “You’re back! It’s good to see you, Shouto — I mean, sorry that you failed, but it’s good to see you anyway.”

“There’s no point in trying to be my friend, Izuku. I’m going to succeed eventually, and then you’ll never see me again.” Shouto eyes his father sitting on his throne at the far end of the hall. Should he speak with him on Momo’s behalf, or will that just make things worse for her?

Izuku shrugs. “You spend enough time surrounded by creatures that want you dead; I might as well show some kindness in the moments in between.”

Shouto blinks. “Ah,” he says. Kindness? Why bother? He couldn't let it show even if it did make a difference to him, or his father will realize that Izuku is too nice, and replace him. And then Shouto could be stuck with… ugh, Monoma, perhaps, greeting him every time he's resurrected from a brutal death.

No thanks. He'll keep Izuku — too-cheerful smiles, unhelpful rambling, and all.

Read this chapter on Ao3

Read from the beginning

#my stuff #my fics #my writing #bnha #tododeku #todoriya #todoroki shouto #midoriya izuku #yaoyorozu momo #bakugou katsuki #kirishima eijirou #endeavor #endeavor's a+ parenting #hades game #greek mythology au #long post

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esonetwork · 6 years ago

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Anyone can be a hero: Why female superheroes matter

New Post has been published on https://esonetwork.com/anyone-can-be-a-hero-why-female-superheroes-matter/

Anyone can be a hero: Why female superheroes matter

You’ve probably heard by now that Rotten Tomatoes recently made some changes to the layout of their website. This is because trolls decided to bombard the site with negative early ratings for “Captain Marvel,” even before they’d seen the film.

It’s disheartening to see people trying to create negative buzz surrounding Marvel’s first female-led film, simply because the film stars a woman. And even though I’m glad Rotten Tomatoes is making changes, I fear those same trolls will be bombing the site with negative reviews as soon as the film releases, not unlike what happened with “The Last Jedi.”

I love being a geek, but sometimes I just feel…tired. I’m tired of the negative discourse that takes place online surrounding my favorite fandoms. I’m tired of the anger, and I’m tired of the controversy.

And yet, I also know that ignoring it doesn’t make it go away. Sometimes, we have to talk about it — to pull this discourse into the light and examine what is really happening, so that we can all grow better together.

As a female geek, I feel like many of my favorite franchises are making a real effort to help women feel more included, and that means a lot to me. Yet when I see trolls complaining about female superheroes like Captain Marvel, it steals some of that joy away. It makes me feel sad and invalid as a fan; if female lead characters aren’t welcome, am I unwelcome in the fandom also?

I’m not sure what we can do about the situation, and sometimes that makes me feel discouraged.

I’m blessed to be a part of many wonderful geek discussion communities online, including WordPress bloggers; the ESO Network and the Story Geeks podcasts; the Star Wars Cantina group on Reddit; to name a few. I love the people involved with these groups, and I’m proud to call them my friends.

Yet how do we stop the trolls hiding behind their computer screens, who are complaining about women in geek films and acting as gatekeepers as they try to keep out the influx of new fans? Do we call them out on social media when they make an inflammatory post, or does that only fuel their fire? How can you teach someone that their behavior is hurtful, when they’re so entrenched in their own opinions that they can’t see beyond their own point of view?

Change takes time, and we may never completely wipe out this negative undercurrent from fandom. But I do believe that change is possible, and I think it starts by sharing our stories. Stories have power — we know this because we’re all passionate geeks, and stories are what bring us into these fandoms in the first place. We have to keep sharing why female heroes matter, on a personal level.

Here’s why they matter to me.

When I think about the impact of female heroes in film, the first movie that comes to mind is “Wonder Woman.” I wasn’t prepared for how deeply this film was going to move me. Walking into the theater, I was excited to see a female-led superhero film, but when it came to the part where Wonder Woman climbs up the ladder and starts walking across No Man’s Land, tears actually filled my eyes.

I hadn’t realized how long I’d been waiting to see a female superhero have a big, badass moment in her own movie. Wonder Woman was out there in the line of fire, unapologetically fighting for justice and freedom and saving the day with her courage and compassion. Not just as a member of a larger ensemble, and not relegated to the role of “love interest” — it was just her, burning as a bright beacon of hope in a desolate war zone.

About a week after I watched “Wonder Woman,” I received a life-changing medical diagnosis. Even though “Wonder Woman” was just a movie, this story gave me hope in a difficult time. And as I struggled to adapt to my new reality, that scene from “Wonder Woman” became an important metaphor for me, inspiring me to keep persevering. Wonder Woman was strong, and I could be too.

I felt something similar when watching “The Force Awakens” for the first time. There are many things I enjoyed about “The Force Awakens” — seeing Han, Chewie, and the Millennium Falcon again; hearing John Williams’ famous Star Wars theme and watching the opening crawl; and so many other special moments. But the scene that stood out to me the most is the lightsaber fight between Rey and Kylo in the snowy forest on Starkiller Base.

Kylo reaches out through the Force, trying to call Anakin’s old lightsaber to him, but it doesn’t respond…until Rey reaches out through the Force and it snaps into her hands, the music swelling.

I got a little teary-eyed then too. Star Wars has had great female characters in the past, but there was something especially moving about seeing a young female Force user as a main character in a saga film for the first time. Rey is a character that continues to inspire me, and cosplaying as her at geek conventions brings me so much joy.

I know I’m not the only one who feels this way, either. About a year ago, I went to a Star Wars cosplay panel at a con, featuring one of the major Star Wars costuming groups. The speaker commented that they’d seen an increase in interest in their costuming group as part of the Disney Star Wars era — and a lot of that had to do with people wanting to dress up as Rey.

Rey, Wonder Woman, and now Captain Marvel as well mean a lot to female fans, regardless of age, but I think it’s especially important for young girls. I can’t wait to introduce my 2-year-old niece to characters like Rey and Wonder Woman. I want to share these stories with her and show her that yes, she can be a hero too.

However, sometimes I fear what my niece may experience in the fandom. I hope that some of the things that have happened to me will not happen to her, and I don’t want online trolls to take away the joy she could experience.

It hurt when someone I didn’t even know found my tweet on Twitter about why Leia and Rey mean a lot to me and then “explained” to me in a very condescending way why I shouldn’t like Rey because she “was not an interesting character.” It hurt when a stranger walked up to me in an amusement park because he saw my Star Wars jacket and eventually ended up lecturing me on why I shouldn’t like “The Last Jedi,” not even letting me speak for myself or share why I thought the way I did. It hurt when I saw people complain about “SJWs” in “Captain Marvel” or the new female “Doctor Who,” because I felt like what they were really saying was “I just don’t want women as main characters in my favorite movies. You are not welcome in this fandom.”

Fellow female geeks, don’t let the negative discourse stop you from being involved in fandom. Keep sharing about why characters like Captain Marvel and Wonder Woman matter to you. Leave positive comments and reviews, and share your stories. These female-led movies are clearly resonating with audiences — just look at the box office results for films like “Wonder Woman,” the Hunger Games series, the new Star Wars films, and the projected $100 million+ opening for “Captain Marvel.”

We are not alone, and we CAN change tone of the discourse. Whoever or wherever you are — you have a voice and a place in fandom. When my niece reaches the age I am now, I hope she’ll find a fandom that is even more welcoming and full of rich female characters that she can look up to.

Like Captain Marvel, let’s reach “higher, further, faster” together.

#Captain Marvel #Doctor Who #female characters #rey #Star Wars #Wonder Woman

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mikkeneko · 7 years ago

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Thor: Ragnarok - A couple of gripes

I really did enjoy Thor: Ragnarok, thought it did a wonderful job at what it set out to do, so these criticisms aren’t meant to say that I thought it wasn’t good.

But there are a few things it did that bugged me.

Nitpick the biggest: Skurge and Volstagg manning the Bifrost

This is something that happens entirely for plot-moving purposes. Somebody has to be operating the Bifrost, and it can’t be Heimdall. Somebody has to be on point to open the door to let people into Asgard, because otherwise Hela can’t get into Asgard and the rest of her plot and the movie plot can’t happen.

But... how can Skurge and Volstagg operate the Bifrost? I mean, apparently anyone can turn it on by inserting the appropriate key (sword, Gungnir, etc) into the ignition slot, but...

How do they see that someone is requesting access? Heimdall can do it as the Gatekeeper because he has the ability to see literally across the universe. From everything we’ve been shown, this is a power specific to him. Just standing in the Observatory doesn’t grant that power, because in their conversation in The Dark World Heimdall had to describe the Convergence to Thor, who couldn’t see it. And Heimdall seemed to retain this ability even after leaving his post, as he was able to see and communicate with Thor on Sakaar.

(Mind you, this does rather neatly explain why Odin repeatedly ignored/let off Heimdall despite repeated counts of treason through Thor I and II -- he is literally the only person who can do that job.)

OK. So the movie has to allow for non-Heimdall people to do the job, because it can’t be Heimdall -- Heimdall would know better than to open the gateway to Hela (he states outright in Thor I that he won’t open the Bifrost if a threat to Asgard could come across it.) So they put in a technological solution, some kind of... interstellar walkie-talkie that is attuned to anyone (or just specific people?) calling for the Bifrost anywhere, so whoever’s in the Observatory can hear and act on it.

This leads to the second problem, and this is the one that actually bugs me -- Loki calling for the Bifrost during the confrontation with Hela.

First off, I actually don’t think this was in character for him in the slightest. Not that Loki wouldn’t run away from a fight like that -- he absolutely would -- but that he wouldn’t call for the Bifrost to do it. It would be far, far easier for him to just turn himself invisible, or create a double, and book it on foot (or through magical travel) to leave Thor to face Hela alone. I mean... there’s no reason to think that Hela would have pursued him even if she saw him go; she wants Asgard, not them. Loki ought to know better. He’s been using the Bifrost all his life; he knows that he could be pursued through it. He ought to have known better. In all of his off-world excursions in all of his other movies, he never calls for the Bifrost because he’s accustomed to traveling through his own means. Why suddenly start now? It’s just another case of Loki conveniently forgetting his powers when the plot demands, or in this case, when the plot requires for something bad happening to be Loki’s fault.

Second off, I really don’t see why Volstagg would answer that call. Loki’s not King any more at this point, and Volstagg has no reason to trust him or listen to him. If Volstagg was set up at this post by Thor by virtue of being someone Thor trusted, then that trust ought to have come with some instruction that he answers to Thor here, not Loki.

Again, I get why this was done -- it was necessary to get Hela up to Asgard ASAP so that the plot could proceed. But it required so much convoluted stupidity and, again, seemed to have been done this way specifically for things to be all Loki’s fault. What would have made a lot more sense would be to say, fuck the Bifrost. Hela knows the same secret ways in and out of Asgard that Loki does. It would have been another sibling-parallel between them, something for Odin to worry about when his youngest started doing the same things his eldest did. Or perhaps, if she didn’t know the way, Loki could have attempted to flee through the dark paths -- thinking, not illogically, that he was the only one who knew about them -- and have Hela follow him.

Why is this bugging me so much? I mean, to some extent it’s just that I think it’s unfair to his character: Loki should not be this dumb when his entire character concept is built around him being smart.

But it also kind of puts me in mind of the old criticism about superhero movies (and comics, but movies are worse about it) where the real superpower of the heroes is not that they’re stronger or better or smarter, it’s just that they’re always right. The narrative ensures they are always right and their bad calls never rebound on them and their hasty leaps of logic are always correct and their judgments in the heat of the moment are always upheld.

In which case, it seems, what makes you a villain is not bad intentions, but just the narrative deciding that everything you do is wrong. Your reasoning always turns out to be incorrect, your judgment calls in the heat of the moment are always wrong, even when you try to do right it just always goes wrong. Personally, I thought that Loki looting the Treasury of everything he could carry on his way out was actually the right thing to do -- anything he left behind would be lost, and anything that he took along could help the refugees survive in the very difficult months to come. But because he’s Loki, it was wrong and will result in disaster.

Honestly, the stuff coming out of Infinity War is actually quite discouraging to me, just because of the way that it Shaggy Dogs the entire emotional journey we went through in Ragnarok. For plot reasons, all the people they tried to save will die. For plot reasons, the brief reunion the brothers finally had will be abruptly severed. For plot reasons, Thor will lose all of the family he has left. For plot reasons, Loki’s split-second decision to take the Tesseract with them so that it wouldn’t be lost with Asgard was the wrong one and everything that follows will be his fault. Again.

#thor: ragnarok #spoilers #mikke meta #loki #thor #hela #personal gripes

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transgenderteensurvivalguide · 8 years ago

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Ok I'm sending this in bc I'm genuinely confused and want to be corrected if necessary. Why aren't trans people taught to embrace their body instead of changing it? I've seen posts going around with words like 'its ok to be a trans man and feminine' and I agree because your gender is what it is no matter your outward appearance. why can't trans men be men and be feminine why is 'transition' needed? You can be a man with a vagina and that's okay.. I don't understand why that needs to change

Kii says:

If a man is comfortable with his vagina, then there is no reason that anyone should pressure him to change that, but if someone is uncomfortable with a part of their body and that discomfort is affecting their mental health, then they also have the right to change that.

I digress a little, but I think a topic that often gets left out of the body positivity movement is the right to body modification. So, if someone (cis or trans) has small breasts and they feel insecure and that insecurity is affecting their clothing choices, relationships, etc, then they have every right to get breast implants if they feel that is the best way to remedy that discomfort. They shouldn’t be shamed or told that they should learn to love their small chest because if they are resorting to surgery, because they’ve probably tried. Surgery is expensive and painful, so it’s generally not something people decide on overnight.

Many trans people experience dysphoria about their bodies and have experienced that for awhile before they make the decision to pursue physical transition. It’s impossible to know what’s best for a person unless you are that person, so trans people shouldn’t be discouraged from transitioning if that’s what they want, as long as they’re making informed decisions.

Lee says:

I think people tend to overlook the fact that a lot of trans people don’t medically transition in every way possible, and there are a lot of trans men who have vaginas and choose not to get lower surgery. In fact, I think the majority of trans men don’t get lower surgery.

There are many reasons why trans people might not to transition:

Medical transitioning can be expensive and time-consuming

They may have health issues or disabilities that make it physically unsafe to medically transition with hormones or surgery

They may feel comfortable with how their bodies are currently and just don’t feel the need to change it

They may not want all the changes that come with starting hormones, or the scarring or potential sensation loss or complications that come with surgery

Some trans people don’t have dysphoria so they don’t feel the need to medically transition

Other trans people do have dysphoria, but try to manage it in other ways than pursuing medical transition wearing masculine/feminine clothing, binding/wearing breast forms, packing/tucking, etc.

They may be genderfluid or have a changing gender expression/presentation and not want to change their bodies in a permanent way

Some non-binary people may feel dysphoric no matter what genitals or hormones they have, so they figure it’s not worth it because none of the options are what they want

Some people may not be able to access medical transitioning due to medical gatekeeping

They may be mentally ill and can’t get a letter in support of them and their mental health (hello ableism) and their local medical teams may not do informed consent

They could be larger and a surgeon refuses to operate on them because they aren’t skinny enough (hello fatphobia)

Some people may not be satisfied with the current surgical options available and feel that they aren’t a good choice for them

Younger trans people may not be able to transition medically without their guardian’s permission and many parents/guardians say no

If someone is financially reliant on a transphobic or abusive relative they may not be able to safely medically transition

They may be able to pass without a medical transition so don’t feel the need to bother with it or they may not care about passing or not want to pass

They may be waiting to medically transition until they’re ready emotionally and when they’re in a stable situation

Some people would rather not go through the whole process of getting surgery and going through the recovery

It can be hard to afford to take time off from work to get surgery or keep up with school while recovering from surgery

Trans people who are comfortable with their bodies because their bodies are their bodies even if most people of their gender have a different body are valid

Relevant links:

Here’s What Trans People Who Aren’t Medically Transitioning Want You To Know- Buzzfeed

Transgender people: 10 common myths

On Choosing Not to Medically Transition: what transition has and has not meant for me

How I’m Transitioning Without Transitioning

Are you still transgender if you don’t want, or are scared, to have surgery or hormone therapy?

Debunking the ‘Surgery Is a Top Priority For Trans People’ Myth

So yes, there are some trans people who do embrace their body instead of changing it, and people who can’t ever quite embrace their body but still choose to stick with it.

But that doesn’t mean that path works for all trans people. There are trans people who just aren’t comfortable in their bodies, and medically transitioning is the path that will make them the happiest in life. There’s nothing wrong with choosing not to medically transition, and there’s nothing wrong with getting surgery and hormones.

I’m a trans person who has been under the knife more than once. I’ve been through major surgeries, a double mastectomy to give me a flat chest, and a hysterectomy to remove my uterus and cervix and fallopian tubes. That was about 8 hours of surgery and I’ll be going through a much bigger surgery when I get phalloplasty. In total, I’ll be going through at least 4 transitioning surgeries, maybe more (there are multiple stages of phalloplasty). And surgery has risks, it’s expensive, and it’s disrupted my life. I really wish that I didn’t need this surgery because it would make my life easier, but I do.

Trans people sometimes have to take drastic steps to reduce our dysphoria, but we do it because it’s necessary. I had debilitating depression that I had been hospitalized for despite taking antidepressants and being in months of intensive outpatient. Once I got top surgery, I no longer had to spend hours fighting off dysphoria about my chest and my depression decreased and my mental health improved.

Maybe I could live with this body I was born with- but I shouldn’t have to. If I could be happier after surgery, then getting surgery is the right choice for me.

And multiple mental health professionals have agreed with me on this- I’ve actually needed to get multiple official letters from licenced medical professionals according to the WPATH guidelines saying they think surgery is the right choice for me before I could get surgery.

Some statistics:

Suicide rates dropped from 29.3 percent to 5.1 percent when there was access to transition-related treatment. (De Cuypere, et al., 2006)

A meta-analysis of transgender people who transitioned medically demonstrated that the average reduction in suicidality went from 30% pre-treatment to 8% post-treatment, and that 78 percent of transgender people had improved psychological functioning after treatment. (Murad, et al., 2010)

86% of patients who accessed transition were assessed by clinicians at follow-up as stable or improved in global functioning. (Johansson, et al., 2010)

In a cross-sectional study of 141 transgender patients who accessed medical transition, suicide fell from 19 percent to zero percent in transgender men and from 24 percent to 6 percent in transgender women. (Kuiper, Cohen-Kettenis, 1988)

“Although more evidence would be welcome, adequately treated gender dysphoria is likely to be safer than the untreated condition, which is associated with an enhanced risk of depression and suicide. Reassuringly, few transsexuals regret undergoing treatment.” (Levy, et al., 2003)

“Second to social support, persons who endorsed having had some form of gender affirmative surgery were significantly more likely to present with lower symptoms of depression.” (Boza, et al., 2014)

“Studies show that there is less than 1% of regrets, and a little more than 1% of suicides among operated subjects. The empirical research does not confirm the opinion that suicide is strongly associated with surgical transformation.” (Michel, et al., 2002)

Testimony for HRT, by TransActive

WPATH’s statement on the medical necessity for transgender healthcare

AMA Resolution 122, which determined the American Medical Association’s stance on the medical necessity of transgender healthcare

The APA’s statement on the medical necessity of transgender healthcare

TranScience Project’s Hormone Therapy and Safety, which offers several citations that talk about the medical risks (and overall importance) for HRT

The Endocrine Society’s Clinical Practice Guidelines for transgender patients, which details their recommendations in full favor of HRT beginning on page 4

More info: What does the scholarly research say about the effect of gender transition on transgender well-being?

So back to the question. “Why aren’t trans people taught to embrace their body instead of changing it?”

Well, as I stated before, plenty of trans people choose not to medically transition. And those people aren’t visible enough. There’s a lot of pressure to medically transition and look cis-passing from both cis people and misinformed/misguided trans people (truscum/transmedicalists) because trans people who choose not to transition are often invalidated and misgendered. So yes, your gender is what it is no matter your outward appearance, and not medically transitioning is valid and it needs to become part of the mainstream narrative too.

But the trans people who do medically transition have probably tried to embrace their bodies, but that doesn’t always work. It just isn’t the way our brains work, for whatever reason. People who do choose to medically transition do it because it’s what will make our lives the happiest moving forward.

And there are many studies and experts who will attest to the necessity of medical transitioning for the people who need it, as you can see from the sources above.

#kii says #Lee says #breasts /#genitals /#medical /#surgery /#dysphoria #physical transition #Anonymous #transgenderteensurvivalguide

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redchocopanda · 6 years ago

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As a writer, this actually made me feel better. I've always felt like I need to accept everything thrown at me because they've kept it under the guise of 'constructive criticism' and looking at it as normal because 'you posted it for everyone to see' and can be then 'openly criticized by anyone'. Then when you go and try to defend your art, they make you feel even worse.

And yes, fanfiction is art too. There's a lot of love and care put into it just like any other art form out there.

I tell you, nothing sucks more than spending precious time carefully creating something straight from your heart and is offered freely only to be stepped upon by people who barge in like they own you and leave their shit all over the place like they have every right to do so.

Nobody wants that. I bet, even aliens don't like that.

I'd like to thank whoever written this because it seriously made me realize that it's not me. Heck, I didn't even know that it's not constructive when the story is posted and finished or about gatekeeping. I realized that I'm not the problem. There are just ignorant asshats that shit on anything they don't like even in your own fandom and that's sad because, yes, a fandom is supposed to be that safe place where you can escape to, a community who loves the same things as you and encourages you to turn that love into this beautiful art. People who bring in their toxic negativity just ruin all that. If you really look at it, it's abuse. Verbal abuse. Because it makes you feel worthless and stupid and unfortunately you carry that with you as you go about your daily life OUTSIDE the fandom. It ruins your day, your decisions, your thoughts, everything is affected like a chain reaction. Nobody should have that right over you.

I had serious thoughts about quitting. To stop writing because it has now made me feel bad rather than happy and god, writing makes me so, so happy. It's my escape and all it took for me to feel the opposite way was just one comment. I always say that words can be powerful and they honestly are. So be careful what you say to people because the truth is, once it's out there you can't take it back, ever, EVEN if you change your mind. On that note, it was those encouraging and kind comments that kept me going, kept me writing and learn to do better. To the writers, put your focus on those beautiful comments ONLY. It's hard but it's that mindset to keep going for those sweethearts and not allow those asshats to control your life that made me keep writing.

If you are one of those lovely people, please keep doing what you are doing. It helps, so much.

Unfortunately, not everybody wins that fight and I completely understand that decision to let go and quit. You need to protect yourself from all that unwanted toxicity and hate. Protect your state of mind and your heart. After all, it is discouraging and really, really painful.

I do hope you come back and pull through though. Stronger and overflowing with inspiration to do what what you want to do that no abusive, insensitive comment can tear you down anymore. YOU CAN DO IT, LOVE!

Remember this, without writers or artists there would only be a dead fandom.

Don't let your fandoms die. You are supposed to be family. Be kind, be respectful and PLEASE if you don't like it, LEAVE it. Fandom art is free. It's a gift.

So, if you’ve watched my general meltdown about criticism in fanfiction, I am concerned it may have given you the impression I don’t like constructive criticism or that I somehow can’t handle/take being told I’m wrong. However, that’s not true. I actually LOVE constructive criticism. I have absolutely no intention of “going pro” with my writing, but I LOVE to improve my craft just because it’s something I love to do and I want to be good at it. Ask literally anyone who has ever beta read for me about how I take criticism, they’ll say “very well.”

So if I like to receive criticism, if I absolutely have a thick enough skin to receive it and have a drive to improve, WHY am I throwing punches about unsoliticted criticism in fanfiction?

Because it’s unsolicited.

Because there is a time and a place for it, and after a story is finished isn’t either. Criticism can ONLY be constructive if it’s given during the construction of the piece. After the piece is finished, criticism is no longer constructive; it’s just criticism.

Because I’m not presenting it for critique by random stranger #11429 on the internet, I’m presenting it for enjoyment- both yours and mine. If I was posting it for critique, I would have said so. Many people DO say so, and I hope they get all of it they could possibly want. But I’m not, and most other people aren’t, either. Just because my story is presented in a public forum doesn’t mean I’m asking for it.

Because when I post a story, I’m not in the mindset to receive criticism. When I bring in others to edit my work, I am mentally prepared to be told “ x, y, and z things are wrong and need fixing.” It’s the difference between being ready to take a punch and being cold-cocked without warning. It’s not that I can’t take a punch, it’s that I don’t WANT to unless I’m ready for it.

Because you didn’t give me a choice. I gave you a choice- read this or don’t read this. You chose to read it. You didn’t give me a choice about whether or not to receive your criticism, you just went ahead and punched me.

Because I’ve already done all the editing I’m going to do. By the time a story is posted, it’s already been through alpha reading with me, it’s already been through beta/editing with my beta readers. I’ve put in a lot of work already, and instead of telling me “thanks/good job/I liked this” you’re choosing to say “why didn’t you do more/better” as if the rest doesn’t matter. But it matters to me.

Because I’m doing this for fun, and when people read the thousands of words I’ve put together for them and then focus on the mistakes, it makes writing not fun anymore. If you work really hard to bake someone an awesome cake, hoping they will like it, and they eat it and say “I would have preferred chocolate” or “this 1 flower was messed up” instead of thanking you, it would really suck. Same deal. I work to write stories I enjoy and that I think others will enjoy, but it’s a real killjoy when someone swoops in just to talk about what went wrong.

Because it’s unsolicited. If I’m out in public and some person I don’t know tells me “you’d be prettier if you let your hair down,” that’s unsolicited criticism, too. It’s different if I say to a friend, hey, how could I improve my appearance and they say “you should let your hair down.” Same words, but context matters. Who is delivering the criticism matters.

And those are just the reasons I personally don’t want criticism on my fanfiction, even though I’m fully capable of handling it. For others, all of the above may apply and more.

In addition to this, I’d like to make a few more points about the arguments I have seen.:

Gatekeeping hurts everyone. Almost every single argument I’ve seen in favor of unsolicitied criticism has boiled down to gatekeeping. What is gatekeeping? The action of controlling (and restricting) access to something. In this case, fandom and fanfiction.

When you say any iteration of “Back in MY day, people got and gave criticism freely, new people should have to accept crit too” what you’re doing is gatekeeping. You’re saying “you shouldn’t be able to participate in fandom unless you go through the same experiences I went through.” That’s not correct. Fandom is for anyone that can adhere to the current etiquette of fandom.

What you are doing when you say “If you only want positive feedback, only share with people you trust” is gatekeeping. You’re saying “you shouldn’t participate in fandom unless you’re willing to be hurt.” That’s bad. No one should have to be hurt to be in fandom.

What you are doing when you say “If you don’t want crit, don’t post your story” is gatekeeping, and in a REALLY harmful way. Without fans creating work (fanfiction or art or meta), there is no fandom. You’re not only saying “you can’t be in fandom if you don’t want to be hurt” you’re actively calling for fandom to be cut down. That’s a bad thing. Fandom needs creator content in order to exist and grow.

What you are doing when you say “it’s unfair to accept positive feedback if you won’t accept negative feedback” is gatekeeping. You are telling people they can’t be in your community if they set boundaries. You are telling people that they can’t be in fandom if they only want to have a good time, they have to be willing to be hurt, too. That’s wrong. Fandom isn’t about hurting each other.

When you tell writers that they are consenting to criticism by posting in public, you are gatekeeping AND violating their consent. You are saying that their work isn’t allowed to exist in fandom’s shared space unless the writer forfeits consent. That’s not true. Fanfiction writers can and should set boundaries for their interactions with people in fandom specifically because we don’t have a publishing company standing between us and you.

Which brings me to another point- when you say that people should accept criticism because that’s how they improve, what you are doing is gatekeeping. You are saying that anyone that does not want to improve doesn’t belong in fandom. That’s not true. Some people just want to have fun, and they are every bit as welcome in my communities as anyone else.

Any iteration of “the world is a harsh place” is, you guessed it, gatekeeping. It’s saying that people don’t belong in fandom if they can’t tolerate being treated just as poorly here as in the physcial world. That’s bullshit. Fandom is supposed to be safe. Fandom is supposed to be a caring community that takes care of its own. Fandom isn’t the physical world, it’s space made by fans for fans where we can be ourselves and be gentle with one another. If it’s not, if you really do think fandom is as hard as the real world, then you should be looking for ways to makes your edges soft. You can’t change the world, but you can make sure you, personally, are not making the situation worse.

Some people will say things like “if it can be corrected in a matter of seconds, it’s okay” (for example, typos) and liken that to a stranger pointing out you’ve got spinach in your teeth. It’s not the same. A stranger pointing out you’ve got spinach in your teeth does so in the most discreet way possible- by pointing without speaking or by speaking in a low voice so that only the stranger and you are made aware of your issue. Leaving a comment which points out even small things like typos is done in a public, open space where everyone can see, AND it leaves behind a mark; even if a writers fixes the issue, the comment is still there declaring that there was one. If you want to use the spinach analogy again- a stranger has just declared to everyone in the room that you’ve got spinach in your teeth, and pinned a note to your apparel which notifies anyone in the future that you DID have spinach in your teeth even if it’s gone now.

Some people will say things like “Well I want criticism!” and go on to imply that anyone that doesn’t is some variation of weak/thin-skinned. This is an argument I don’t understand at all. Of course some people can’t handle it; those are the people we need to protect, not the people we need to attack. Everyone is different. We all have different backgrounds. We are all here for different reasons. If you want criticism, you can give active consent! You can say you welcome it, that you want it. You wanting criticism does not in ANY way mean we should strip consent away from other people. It means you know you can take a punch; it doesn’t mean we get to punch anyone we feel like at any time.

I think, at the end of the day, that the real world is a harsh and unforgiving enough place that we don’t need to bring that into our home. Fandom is a place of love. It is a place of safety. It is a place of giving, of fun, of freedom. We don’t have to have sharp edges and tongues here.

We can afford to be nice to one another in fandom.

After all, fanfiction is free.

#writing #fanfiction #writer #author #fan #fans #fandom #bechloe #clexa #hollstein #wayhaught #fanfic

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fyx-ation · 8 years ago

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I mentioned a while back this letter that I wrote when I was a kid that was published in a gaming magazine. Today, I found it in the back of my bedroom closet at my dad’s house.

As you can see from the photos, this magazine is from November 1994, putting me at 15 years old when this came out. This is a 23 year old magazine, y’all.

Anyway, the editor wrote:

“Each month we run the Burning Question to try and stir up some debate on the issues that are causing concern in the video game industry and each month you guys write us with your opinions and ideas. But nothing has stirred you up quite like a simple letter from one of our readers complaining that there’s not enough games for girls. Almost 40% of the letters we’ve received in the past month have been on this topic. Some of you have argued that it’s not a relevant issue, that all that matters is the quality of the games.We’re not about to disagree that quality counts but, while video-gaming continues to be almost completely male-dominated, it’s important to look at ways in which the other half of the population can be encouraged to join in.”

and:

“The question is, does the lack of girls in games discourage girls from playing the games? Sure, they’re just heroes and their sex wouldn’t matter one way or the other, but if that’s the case, then why aren’t 50% of the game heroes female? Come to think of it, how many gamers, male or female, were surprised to find that Samus from Super Metroid was a woman? Ah, it’s a conspiracy--that’s what it is.”

And I wrote:

“Argh (I would never write argh. They changed AGHHH to argh), I’m part of the 10% of girls that play games. I must say that I think there should be more females in games-especially RPGs. I get tired of playing the poor farm boy or wonder prince. As for fighting games, there should be more women in those--mostly so the boys know what it’s like to play the opposite sex all the time.”

As I stated, this is 23 years old. All I wanted was more girls in games. I didn’t fucking want games designed in a month and shat out for girl consumption like the Barbie games or Kittenz or whatever other drivel they’re still pumping out these days. I wanted Female protagonists. I wanted mean female characters in fighting games who weren’t created exclusively for the male gaze.

It’s been 23 goddamn years since I wrote that, and I’ve been a gamer since the Magnavox Odyssey 2 was a thing.

And what have I gotten? The latest protagonist for Final Fantasy is not only “wonder prince,” he’s the wonder prince to end all wonder princes. He’s the king of kings.

That’s not to say there hasn’t been a little bit of progress. There are lots of games on the market designed for everyone--Elder Scrolls, Fallout, Mass Effect, and the like come to mind. And, hey, I love a good game that is marketed as a true role-player where you have to play as the character you are given (Bioshock, Dishonored, The Last of US, etc.). But for every amazing game like that we get, we still get 45 white dude/space marines looking for a port to dock their huge... spaceship.

A fuckton more than 10% of game players are female now. It’s approaching the equal mark, and it probably would have surpassed that if they would just fucking try.

Video games are like books. You either play them and love them and cherish them, or you consume them and forget about them. Most women I know tend to play games they’re going to end up cherishing. There are girls playing CoD or the annual sports games, too, but we don’t tend to get consumable garbage (excluding the games marketed toward 10 year old girls) aimed directly at us. We drift toward MMOs, story-driven games, or hugely well-known franchises.

Wanna know why my two teenage nieces love the shit out of the Zelda franchise? Because it welcomes them. There’s no pervy gatekeeper looking at their junk and deciding if the game is for them. But I’d be willing to bet at least one of them has had some snot-nosed, shit stain of a boy act shocked that they play games at all. It ain’t 1994, boys.

One of my nieces is graduating high school tomorrow. I wonder if we’ll still be in the same boat in 20 years.

--end of rant--

#girl gamers #same as it ever was #what fucking year is it

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thedeadflag · 8 years ago

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i don't have the words to explain why exactly it's not ok or helpful when cis ppl say that they want to beat up transphobes or want to start some kind of coalition to attack those who out trans ppl. i've heard this from fellow cis ppl and idk how to explain why this doesn't rly do anything. like the sort of grandstanding and big talk that allies do while trans ppl still continue to suffer. while i get that it's coming from a place of sympathy idk how to discourage them? thank you

Well, putting aside the fact that the people who say that stuff virtually never put their words to action, it’s not an act of allyship. Even in the hypothetical situation where they attacked a transphobe, there’s a nearly never-ending line of them ready to step up to the plate, and if this reached the media, it would only put more of a spotlight on us, and direct all kinds of shit our way, so it could actually just be straight up harmful to us.

Not to mention that these ‘allies’ would likely get arrested, and…depending on where you live, would have to pay a fine and/or serve time. Money that could have otherwise gone to organizations that help trans people, or to individual trans people’s fundraisers. Time that could have been spent fighting to make the world safer for us rather than largely useless shit.

Because let’s face it, you can’t approach transphobic people like, say, antifa approaches neonazis. Because Neonazis are a distinct, niche demographic. Transphobes are the majority of the world’s population, if we’re going to make a practical estimate. A different approach is necessary.

The focus for allies should be on us in general, unless there’s some specific and clear progress that can be made by, say, pressuring a company or school board or politician or whatever to fix their shit.

Like, how does attacking random transphobes help trans people? It doesn’t make us safer. it won’t make anyone think twice about hurting or discriminating against us. If it puts one of our friends in jail for a while, that’s one less bit of social support we have available to us, when our social support networks already tend to be pretty small to begin with.

It does nothing. And if an ‘ally’ puts most of their actions of allyship into this sort of grandstanding, then that’s not doing anything for us.. Like, there are a lot of things in society that helps make our lives shitty. They could focus on those. Like, defend us in person from transphobes being asses, sure (preferably with words and physically protecting us if need be, but not attacking), but outside of them, there’s a lot of things they could do to help.

Like, in a lot of places, trans people can’t change our documentation, or we’ll need to have certain surgeries (which often are not covered by healthcare or insurance, and often require absurd gatekeeping) in order to have the ability to change our documents. They could work to try and change that. Or one of the dozens of other major issues we face. Things that…if changed…would make our lives a hell of a lot better in measurable, meaningful ways.

Much better than some abstract anger at ‘transphobes’

#transphobia #allyship 101 #gatekeeping

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queenofnohr · 8 years ago

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Scathach Interlude 2 - An Invitation to the Land of Shadows

Another commission for @tainbocuailnge!

*If anyone is interested in commissioning me, here’s my regular commission page, and here’s my chart for Chapter America/E Pluribus Unum!

Matthew: …………Master, Master. Please wake up, Master.

> Huh? What happened? > Where is this……?

Matthew: I don’t know. Additionally…… This doesn’t seem to be Chaldea or any other era we’ve seen. The only thing certain is— I can sense magical energy from this place. And there’s someone else besides you and I, Master…… Cu: Yo. Did you guys get lost too? Matthew: Cu Chulainn! ……Then is this, perhaps…… Cu: It’s Scathach. This is her finally inviting you to the Land of Shadows. Sorry for my selfish brute of a mentor involving you in this. Matthew: Why are you apologizing, Cu Chulainn…… Oh, is this the Land of Shadows? Cu: No, this is slightly different than the place I came to before. It’s not the Isle of Skye either. This is a remnant of the time when the Land of Shadows was attached to the world, but it doesn’t look anything like it. A land where dreary magical energy drifts is what it looks like to me. ……Well, that’s just my opinion. We were taken to that woman’s memories, so we should take a look see, eh? Matthew: This is her…… memory? Cu: I don’t know if this was a conscious or subconscious action, but— Regardless, the Land of Shadows cannot exist within her memory forever. If we aren’t careful, we’ll be dragged in together with Master and die. This world will be destroyed and everyone in it will die. Matthew: That can’t be……! Cu: Well, don’t worry. This is carelessness on her part for involving you guys. I should’ve been the only one involved, you guys should have never been brought into the picture. That’s why this is an extermination of a woman who endangers bystanders. Let’s go get her! Matthew: There are ghosts wandering around that area……. Cu: The reality of this place is that it is close to the afterlife. Get it? It will swallow you up in an instant. Matthew: I- I understand. Fou: Fou! Matthew: ……Fou is here too!? Cu: Ey, don’t speak so loud! ……Ah, shit.

[a ghost gets real close]

Matthew: ……Oops…… Cu: ……This is bad. Nothing like death for an excuse to train. Lass, don’t be thrown off! Matthew: Right! Master, your orders!

[fight]

Cu: Jeez. You okay? Matthew: Yes. But more importantly, why did Scathach bring Master to the Land of Shadows……? Cu: It’s Scathach’s idea, you think a normal mind understands it? Well, I don’t think this is too big a deal? Just a little sad, to an extent. She was alone in this land for hundreds of years, without even anyone to fight or hate. Once upon a time there were disciples, including me…… We heard that defeating Scathach would make our names known so we wanted to have a go, then we got beat up, lost time after time, and all those idiots were made to be disciples…… Well, as usual, we all died. As it were, maybe half of it was because of us. Matthew: What do you mean by that? Cu: The training from Teacher was ridiculous. And they were all guys who loved things like their three meals a day, fighting, women, drinking - those bastards really were the worst. Because of that, if we were noisy she’d kick us flying, but it was fun. “The day ghosts get a chance to get into this world is the day their racket will finally quiet,” is what Scathach would always complain. But we had countries to return to. The Land of Shadows was just a side trip. Then, Scathach’s disciples all died prematurely. ……I guess that’s what made me a Heroic Spirit. If I think about it, well, we might’ve been able to stay and fight forever with Scathach in the Land of Shadows. But I didn’t. Maybe I do regret it a bit. Matthew: ……You shouldn’t think such a thing. Cu: That’s true. That was nonsense talk, so just forget about it.

[we’re outside castle walls]

Cu: ……Hey now, this is real beautiful. The gate is completely different from how I remember it. And there also weren’t armored knights as gatekeepers before either. Master, your orders! Matthew: I second that!

[fight]

Cu: —Got ‘em! Those guys were easy compared to the dragons there before. You okay, lass? Matthew: Yes! Cu: Well then, here goes. Oi, Scathach! I’m bothering you! Even if you pretend to be out, I’m coming in! Get ready!! Matthew: ……No response. Cu: Because this is in her memories, I don’t know what she’s thinking. And nowadays, this place is much more dangerous inside the castle than outside. Because wanting to meet Scathach means going through all the ghosts and other scary shit wandering around in there. Are you ready to run with all your might? ……Alright, run!!

[we’re inside]

Matthew: Master, that was some great sprinting! Please hold on tight to Fou too! Fou: Fou!

> I got it! > Something’s coming at us from behind!

Matthew: Three types ahead, conflict unavoidable. They’re coming, Master!

[fight]

Matthew: ………………! I sense a strong response in magical energy. And, this feeling…… could it be…… murderous intent? Cu: No, it’s not. Not from them, at least. What the hell— Scathach: …………If it isn’t you all.

[Hooded Figures appear]

Cu: Oi, oi, oi. What’s with this? It feels like you’re trying to scrape together as many evil spirits as you can to make an army, ya’know? Scathach*: That might be nice. If that were the case, then it seems there’s no point to putting on an excessively aloof air. Fall. You’re a dead man walking. Cu: ……What’s this. It doesn’t seem like you want to go along with my banter, Scathach. Scathach: I thought. While protecting the gate to this land, for many months and years. I have seen every life and every death. It would be better to rot— That’s what I thought. But this body will not rot, this soul remains as it always has, frozen, unchanging. However, it seems the way I am now has surpassed decency and fallen down into the depths of wickedness. My greed has faded, and my senses only convey to me silence and eternity. …………This is my chance. Human life burned away. And I encountered a comfort in my eternity of boredom……I was granted a golden opportunity, the chance for a genuine death. Well. Where does the soul go when it dies? Does it not understand its reality? Does it go to the Throne of Heroes? To the destroyed Land of Shadows? Or perhaps— Cu: …………. Scathach: Either way. This is my wish. For my flesh and bone to be as ether. My heart as well. Though it was transient, my life as a Servant too. If it’s possible, I think I’d like to try for that. …………Even if it’s held back, even if it’s held back, it will not stop. Because of this, I have involved Master and my foolish disciple. I’m sorry. I didn’t think this would end in an apology. Cu: That’s a roundabout way of doing things. —It can’t be helped. I’ll be the one to perform your last rites, then. Little lass, Master. Are you ready? This is Scathach being serious. A real rarity! Accept your fate!! Scathach: Then I will be killed. Or you will. Let’s go— Don’t hold anything back!

[fight]

Scathach: …………That was quite the fight, to come down to this. Cu: This is the end, Scathach. If you’ve become this senile, don’t wake up. Scathach: I’m not dead yet. And you too, are alive. Why did you stop. Our mutual killing has just begun. Cu: This doesn’t mean anything, does it Scath**? You can’t be killed in a memory. This is a fantasy death. That being the case, this death is superfluous. Even if you die, you won’t die in the real world. And if we’re talking about superfluous, that would be losing the fight, right? Scathach: …………………. Cu: To begin with, “don’t hold anything back,” was it! You weren’t serious at all! You don’t just have spears. If you were serious, you should’ve had that gate. Matthew: Gate— Cu: The Gate Of Scaith***. You know it? It’s a technique used to drag opponents into the depths of the Land of Shadows, no questions asked. And being in the depths of the depths of the Land of Shadows means you’re already three outta six feet under. Any creature who falls in will die. But you didn’t use it at all! Like hell you weren’t going easy on me, Scathach! Scathach: …………Hm, mmhm. Cu: That’s the face of someone who knows I hit the nail on the head. Wow, that’s actually pretty rare. ……Maybe it’s because you were summoned. You, right now, smell pretty human. Well, it could also be Master’ disposition. This guy is nothing if not a humane human.

> What do you mean? > A humane human?

Cu: In the sense that if something is in your power to do, you do all you can. And if it’s impossible, you try to do it anyway. You’re the forerunner in enlisting aid, dreaming of the future. Even in desperate circumstances, you fight against it as a proper human being should. You’re likely to get discouraged— But you look back. You take a moment and stop and look back. See? Does that make sense? Scathach: …………You got me. I didn’t realize it, but Master has influenced me. Cu: You have to do at least that much to not be weak.

> Eh— > Scathach, weak?

Cu: It’s how she is right now. No matter what she wishes, it’s unlikely Scathach will reflect. Matthew: Somehow…… I feel like I understand. The way she’s different from the usual Scathach isn’t just the way she speaks, but the way she fights too…… Cu: Does even the little lass understand the Celt way? Well, it’s like that. Scathach. Right now, wishing for death is just an escape. You aren’t that person. Look. As a reward for fighting to the bitter end, did you dream of a death as quick and painless as a lightning bolt? Scathach: ——. Talk as much as you like. But, that’s right. Right now, my want to destroy everything and attain death is nothing more than an escape. Cu: Jeez, it’s not worth it. Scathach: Sorry. Forget it. …………*sigh*. Of all things………… I showed my weakness to you. That was a terrible mistake as a teacher. Hm. To overwrite this mistake, I’d have to die three times over. Cu: That’s just venting! Scathach: Fool, I’m talking about restoring my honor. Because there isn’t an opponent to make give up, I have to overwrite it with a more severe memory. Cu: That’s terrible. Nothing really changed. But, well— Thanks to Master, you were able to see a human face. I think that was a valuable experience. Scathach: —Hmph. You keep running that mouth of yours, Son of Light, and I’ll hit it closed. Cu: Even this is struggling through problems in it’s own way. Scathach: So it seems. I suppose you are the one who will stand before me someday. Farewell, Cu Chulainn. In a short while, Gae Bolg will become my lightning bolt—

[Scathach disappears]

Matthew: ……What a relief. The evil spirits also disappeared. Cu: Honestly, leaving me with such an unreasonable demand. To kill that woman, you’d need the talent to cut down God. Well, anyway Master, shall we wake up from this dream? Disregarding my or Scathach’s wishes, you’ve been waiting in a do or die mindset.

*If you think Scath is talking strangely here, she is. Her sentences are much more clipped in Japanese but it doesn’t translate that well, so I kept it as…… robotic (for lack of a better word) as possible. **Here, he calls her Sukatan. Suka is half of her name (in Japanese it’s Sukasaha), while tan is……. Either a cute way to say it (like the cutesy way of saying -chan) or a nickname that I couldn’t find anything on. He also says shishou right after negating most cuteness, sooooo. I just kept it as Scath to indicate a closeness, but still respect. ***This could be Gate of Scaith or Gate of Skye because Japanese adapts things by sound and the two are pronounced exactly the same. I do believe I put Gate of Scaith on the translation of her Material profile because it directly references Dun Scaith, but I thought I should clarify as the Isle of Skye appears here too. For the record, Dun Scaith is also located on the Isle of Skye so does it really matter? Probably not.

#grand order #fgo #fate grand order #long post #my translations

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sanguinarysanguinity · 8 years ago

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The Hound of the Baskervilles (2011, Big Finish), Nicholas Briggs & Richard Earl

tl;dr above the cut: Sanguinity is cranky because they cut every Holmes-Watson shenanigan in the name of “authenticity.”

I admit, I went into this feeling testy, because in the commentary tracks of the previous Big Finish audios, people had been bragging about how this is the “most authentic” adaptation of HOUN ever.

(Just so you know, “authentic” is one of those poorly-examined words that gets me like nails on a chalkboard. It’s always used for gatekeeping, and in a way that I typically find grossly disingenuous. To badly paraphrase Robert Frost, if someone is building a wall, I’d ask to know why we need a wall, what standing they have to build the wall — is it even your property, dude? — what they are walling in our out, and to whom they are like to give offense. Frustratingly, “authentic” strongly discourages asking those questions: it obscures the actual criteria behind the judgement, and further implies that the judgement is objective, universal, and inherently valuable. Even worse, when I dig into the criteria hidden behind a given use of “authentic,” it often becomes apparent that none of those implied virtues are actually present.)

Anyway, the more they talked about “authenticity” in their commentaries, the crankier I got:

Commentator: No adaptation of HOUN has ever done it straight— Me: Really? I don’t remember either of the Coules adapts taking any liberties with the plot, deductions, or characterizations. Lenfilm was so respectful of the original details as to put ACTUAL phosphorous paint on an ACTUAL dog, and Granada trailed only a little behind Lenfilm in accuracy— Commentator: They always add stuff like seances— Me: Okay, Roxburgh went far afield, but that’s a weird detail to seize on if you’re going criticize Roxburgh for taking liberties. And who else did a seance? Was there a seance in Rathbone or something? Commentator: —or having Stapleton drown in the Mire— Me: Oh, c’mon, that’s the authenticity hill you want to die on? Are you kidding me? Stapleton EXPLICITLY drowning vs Stapleton IMPLICITLY drowning?? Because if that’s where you’re going to set the bar, you’re going to have a tough time clearing it. Commentator: —and most productions cut a bunch of stuff, such as Laura Lyons. Me: All right, that’s a fair cop. She gets cut a lot, and even when she stays in, many productions aren’t super-clear on what to do with her. But what is so critically important about including Laura Lyons?

Eventually, however, they said enough that it became clear that “authentic” meant “lots of narration by Watson.”

I’ve run into this idea before: Watson-narration is a thing in the history of radio Holmes. (Bert Coules apparently had to fight the BBC higher-ups on their insistence that Holmesian audioplays must necessarily include Watson voiceovers. It took half of canon to do it, but Coules eventually started winning those fights, which is why the later Merrison/Williams plays don’t have voiceovers.) I personally am not a believer in the necessity of a Watson voiceover; in fact, I think it often weakens the production overall. In grossest terms, if a single actor is telling us what’s going on, then the production-as-a-whole is failing to show us. An audioplay is a different medium than an audiobook: play to the strengths of your chosen medium, and let us hear the action and emotions! Furthermore, there’s the issue of information flow: it simply requires more time to describe an action than to let us hear it unfold, just as it takes longer to describe emotions than to let us hear them in the actors’ deliveries. The more you employ narration, the less net information you can convey. Narration is a bottleneck, and there are relatively few situations in which it makes the overall story flow more smoothly.

So, you know, I was already feeling testy about the production's conceptual framework before I hit play. But I did try to put my testiness aside and give it a fair listen: appearances to the contrary, I don’t actually enjoy being a crankypants very much.

Altogether, I think it was pushing definitions to call this an audioplay; it is more accurately an abridged audiobook with multiple readers and liberal sound effects. By which I mean, every single line, whether narration or dialog, is a line that Doyle himself wrote. Furthermore, at no point are we allowed to simply hear what’s going on; instead, we are always told everything via narration. We are never allowed to hear a gunshot and infer that someone has shot a gun; Watson scrupulously always takes a few seconds to tell us that the gunshot we just heard was… someone shooting a gun.

Now, I don’t have a problem per se with using Doyle’s words — he wrote some fine words! — but it’s as I said above: if you’re going to rely on narration to convey everything, then the information-flow is choked down to the rate of human speech. Their over-reliance on narration meant they had to cut ruthlessly to trim the six-to-seven hours it takes to read HOUN aloud down to the targeted two hours for their audioplay.

Meanwhile, please remember that they were priding themselves on “not leaving anything out.”

How does that work, exactly?

This is how it works: they cut nearly every single character note.

Holmes watching Watson in the teapot, gone. Most of the walking-stick scene, gone. (Conductor of light stayed, but nearly everything around it was missing.) The skull coveting, the snit about M. Bertillon, the rising back-and-forth to the punchline about whose footprints, all gone. The poisonous atmosphere of tobacco smoke Holmes created at Baker Street; the idea that he’d think better in a box; the line that if Watson will tolerate Holmes’ company then Holmes is satisfied with Watson’s; Sir Henry’s declaration that nothing will keep him from the home of his people; the entire scene with the cabbie; Holmes worrying about Watson’s safety in Devonshire… Nearly everything that is charming, comic, or for which I have affection: all of it gone.

(On the upside, they also cut all of Sir Henry’s gawdawful “Americanisms” — so that’s something? I guess?)

I do understand, of course, that any two-hour rendering of HOUN has to pick and choose — I’ve yet to see/hear one that includes every character element I listed above! And yet most still find time to include some of them. To my mind, it’s a very strange definition of “authenticity” that excludes every point of characterization, humor, and character interplay.

(And yet hey found time to describe Sir Henry’s nostrils. By all means, let’s keep the valorous nostrils!)

Altogether, it made for a very flat rendering of HOUN, especially in the beginning, when the humor is the main thing going. It got better after they got to Dartmoor and started describing the fog and the atmospheric gorse bushes, but there were still some strange pacing issues: for example, Watson’s sighting of the ~mysterious figure~ on the tor went by so quickly that I nearly missed it. Which is a shame, for a production that lays so much emphasis on Doyle’s actual words: I do enjoy Watson’s over-the-top turns of phrase in describing that figure.

(Also gone, and which I missed hugely: Watson skillfully distracting Mortimer with a convo about skulls, and Watson later playing Frankland by feigning non-interest in his information. Worse, they had Watson be flat-out eager for Frankland’s info. If you’re going to pride yourself on sticking to Doyle’s actual words, you could at least abridge them in a way that’s character-accurate.)

Given what-all they chose to cut, I was curious as to how they would handle Holmes’ and Watson’s reunion. As it turned out, they kept “you use me but you do not trust me,” and changed the line about the letters from an expression of frustration (“All my reports wasted!”) to a non-judgemental question (“Were all my reports wasted?”) Every other personal part of the reunion was left out: Holmes teasing Watson about how it’s a lovely evening outside, the bit about recognizing Watson by his cigarette brand… Everything that suggests any kind of connection between them, easy or difficult, all gone.

As I said: it’s a very flat HOUN. You better be here for the monster dog, because there’s literally nothing else happening.

And while we’re discussing the weak points of the adaptation, I found the sound effects distracting: they didn’t supply additional information, and many times the effects were subtly wrong. (Every footstep on Dartmoor was apparently taken on gravel, no matter the actual terrain. Also, it was always ONE person walking on gravel, even if the scene was two people walking together.) I admit that I might be spoiled by ‘proper’ audioplays here, ones that use the sound effects to communicate novel information to the listener. I found it hugely distracting that there were all these noises that were both extraneous and misleading.

Now, all that said! Earl was a very fine Watson, and I find Briggs’ voice as Holmes fascinating. (I can’t decide what makes me lean forward to listen better every time he speaks, and yet I do.) And they did a lovely job making the Hound ominous, the final show-down exciting, etc. And of course, the investigatory through-line was as complete as I’ve ever heard/seen it. (As advertised, they did not cut Laura Lyons!)

But again: to my mind, it’s a very strange notion of “authenticity” that leaves out nearly every evidence of the Holmes-Watson friendship.

Or to put it another way, I like what I like, and what I like are all the odd little Holmes and Watson shenanigans. (Holmes can recognize Watson by his cigarette stubs, but not by his footprints!) All that was gone, sadly, and I think the production suffered for it.

#moreholmes #hound of the baskervilles #HOUN #sang watches HOUN #long post

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theliterateape · 5 years ago

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Wet Rat

By Paul Teodo and Tom Myers

The following is an excerpt from the forthcoming novel Cross Fit by Paul Teodo and Tom Myers.

I SPENT THE NEXT COUPLE HOURS REVIEWING HVAC SPECS FOR THE OR WITH MY FACILITIES GUY, Joe Spanski, a bald, thick armed, second generation Pole from a family of Warsaw brick masons. He told me it was impossible. “Boss, it’s cooling, not refrigeration. Them people in there are alive, it ain’t the morgue.”

“That’s what he wants. Fifty-eight degrees.”

Spanski gave me a sly look. “Have you seen his wife?”

“Yeah, so what?”

“She looks dead. Maybe he likes ‘em cold.”

She did look dead. “Thanks Joe, so we can’t get any lower than sixty?” I was pretty sure Eriksen liked them cold.

“Right boss, and with that, we’ll have staff half froze.”

Joe lumbered out of my office, tool belt rattling down the hall.

It was only ten o’clock. Too long to wait. I couldn’t stand it. I needed this job. I had a mortgage, a car payment, my kid’s college debt and alimony. I couldn’t walk away. But most important I had my pride. I tried to act like I could give a shit, but getting canned would fuck with my ego.

I stepped into Jenna’s office. “I’m going for that walk now.”

“It’s pouring.”

“I’m going to see Greta.”

“You’re not supposed to see her till…” She paused, conflicted. We hadn’t discussed the meeting, but she knew what was in store for me. She was a Christian and loyal to me — her boss. But Greta had hired right out of high school.

I was pissed. “Tell me what you know.”

“I can’t.” She turned away hiding her tears.

I grabbed her shoulder and tried to turn her around. “For Christ’s sake tell me.”

Her body tensed.

What the hell am I doing? She didn’t deserve to be the recipient of my fear.

“I’m going to her office.”

“You know she doesn’t like when her schedule is altered.”

“I’m altering it.”

She gathered herself. “Take this, it’s pouring.” She pulled a large green and white golf umbrella from her closet, Western Highlands Medical Center emblazoned on its surface.

“Thank you. I’m sorry. I’ll be back soon.”

“God Bless you.”

I doubted it.

✶

I BENT INTO THE WIND. Rain slopped from my shoes with every step. The storm fought the umbrella trying to turn it inside out. Tommy would tell me when you’re stressed take a walk. In the freaking rain? In some twisted way I felt if bad shit was going to happen it would be better to find out if I was soaked and shivering. Like a rat.

I stomped around the campus aimlessly, shivering, reading signs and planning my defense.

Emergency Department Fitness Center Valet Parking

It always irritated me that in this town you couldn’t park your own car. I never felt comfortable here. I parked my own car.

Physician Parking

An arrow pointed into the heated garage, red warming lamps glowing in the gloom. A black 7 Series Beemer shot by splashing dirty water on my knock-off Armani. Now I was soaked to my skivvies. The testicle Mr.Vitorri personally attended to in 1969 retracted, searching for someplace dry.

I was wet and freezing. I needed shelter. I headed into Building 2. When I yanked the door against the wind it whipped wide open. I thought the hinges would pop. “Nasty out there.” Rachel, our greeter (yes greeter) smiled as she handed me a small towel. I smiled back (why not?).

“You’re soaked!” She realized that in spite of the eight-hour class she took on smiling, and the three hundred dollars we were invoiced for it, a big-toothed grin when your executive vice president was standing in the doorway soaked to the bone was not in accordance with that expensive training. “Good thing you have an umbrella.” She caught on to the fact I was dripping from head to toe. She ended our awkward curriculum-driven encounter with a final cliché. “Is there anything else I can help you with?” Really? Who says that shit in real life, other than those force fed the line in a three hundred dollar an hour customer service class?

“No Rachel, nothing else.” I shook Jenna’s God’s umbrella and it sprayed on the floor, the glass entryway, and even on dear smiling Rachel. “Nothing at all.”

I stood in front of one of the vents trying to warm up and dry off. A walk in the rain had not calmed me down one bit. I was irritable, discontent, and ready for a fight.

✶

I COULDN’T PUT IT OFF ANY LONGER. I sprinted toward the Admin. Building. The rain was relentless. Sheets of cold pellets bounced sideways off the asphalt cascading down the parking lot. The big umbrella lost its battle with Mother Nature.

Finally, I ducked under the canopy of the Admin. Building. Home free. Out of the downpour. But no. Not today. Keycard. I must have dropped it somewhere. Shit. I buzzed. Buzzed again. “May I help you?” Joan, Greta’s dour gatekeeper. Yeah, make it stop raining. Dry me off. In fact make this meeting just go away. “May I help you?” Again. Her annoyance made clear even through the garbled speaker.

“I don’t have my keycard!”

“Jesus,” she mumbled. The door clicked. I stomped into the lobby then stood motionless absorbing the heating lamp’s infrared rays. I shook like a wet dog.

“You’re wet.”

No shit. ”I’m fine.”

She handed me a few useless brown paper towels from the bathroom. “You’re going to need to wait. You were supposed to meet at three. She’s clearing her schedule.”

Jenna had warned them; her loyalty split between her funnyman boss and her practical fear of the person who buttered her bread.

I plopped down on the cream-colored leather chair, water sluicing off, running between the cushions. Carefully placed in front of me on a cut glass coffee table was a stainless steel carafe, tall and elegant, and two mugs, engraved in gold with the hospital logo. Precisely spaced spoons, napkins, sugar, sweetener, cream, and two cookies were rigidly arrayed, discouraging disturbance. Just like when I interviewed three years ago. It didn’t impress me then, and it didn’t now.

“She’s ready for you.”

I looked up, startled. “Ready?”

“You came to see Greta?” She looked down on me knowing full well what was about to happen. “She cleared her schedule.” Her voice like my third grade nun, Sister Lillian. Judgmental, arrogant, and punishing. I was ready for her to complete her chastisement with “You boob!” and smack me with her ruler.

“Thank you.” I said meekly, disappointed that I was so terrified.

“You make the staff uncomfortable.” “Bullshit.” What the fuck did I say that for? “See. You blurt things without thinking.”

She led to me to Greta’s office in accordance with her training. I knew my way but we were an organization that operated appropriately and people were led into Greta’s office, you didn’t stroll there on your own.

Greta didn’t look up when I walked in. I stood wet and silent as a servant, dripping on the blue sculpted carpet.

Her desk was actually a large table with ornately carved legs exuding French elegance. I know shit about furniture, but if this wasn’t Louie-the-something-French, nothing was. In contrast the papers in front of her were strewn about. A marble pen holder engraved Greta Washburn Chief Executive Officer, emphasized her importance. Neat piles of red, blue, and tan files were stacked to the left. Expensive paintings of pastoral waterfalls cascading down mountains with gurgling brooks and dark green trees hung evenly on her walls. A fish tank off to the right, flat black fish eyeballing me through the glass and a potted Norfolk Island pine big enough to climb guarded her back.

I stood silently, waiting, as she continued to pretend she was reviewing exceptionally important documents, peering through her Kate Spade reading glasses.

Tired of this subservient crap I snorted. She looked up dropping her glasses to their diamond chain. “Oh, I’m sorry. Take a seat.” She pointed with her pen to the smallish chair strategically placed in front of her desk just for this encounter. “Coffee?”

“No. No thanks.” I could be a smug prick. But now, at the moment of truth, I was starting to sweat into my already wet suit.

“You’ve been here, how long? Four or five years?”

“Three.” I tried not to sound like I was correcting her.

“Fit. I’m not sure how to describe it. You know it when you see, feel it.” She paused, looked down, and sighed, “and you know when you don’t.”

Like porn? No don’t say that.

Suddenly, the gorilla was back. I tried a deep breath, but it didn’t prevent the trembling. I had all that debt. But it was just stuff. Getting fired was so belittling I wasn’t sure I could continue. Without a drink.

“Fit?” I’d needed to say something. “I went to your classes.” Too defensive.” I’ve tried to be more tactful.” It was stupid, but I forged ahead. “Can you give me more of what you mean?”

Her lips twisted like she’d just swallowed bad medicine. She knew I was staring at her mouth and I could tell she didn’t like it.

“We have a culture. People here.” Again with the lips. I tried not to look. She placed her hand over her mouth. She poured a glass of water from a crystal pitcher engraved with two tennis players. I hated the game. “The way people treat each other. You,” she paused, sipping the water, ice clinking in the glass, “act different, it makes people feel awkward, uncomfortable. It insults them.”

I do that. I know. Sometimes because that’s the way I am and sometimes because I feel awkward. It’s worse with women. I don’t fit. And there were women everywhere around here. I needed this job. But I needed not to have my ego torn from my chest more than this job. How could I tell people that I got canned, separated, replaced, whatever the buzzword was this month for getting fired?

But I tried. “We’re ahead of budget. Three years ago you were in the… crapper. People are happy. Patient Satisfaction rising.”

“You make the staff uncomfortable.”

“Bullshit.” What the fuck did I say that for?

“See. You blurt things without thinking. You confront our doctors. This morning with Bjorn.”

The asshole already got to her. “He’s an asshole.”

“Again. You don’t think.”

Actually I think about what I’m going to blurt out and then I do it anyway. That gets me into trouble.

She was right. I didn’t fit in here. Fuck her and these pampered, arrogant, indulgent, kiss-ass doctors. I decided right there I wanted out. “Thank you for the opportunity to work here. I learned a lot from you.” I was unaware I could say such bullshit so sincerely.

“You don’t mean that. You don’t respect me. It’s written all over you.” I didn’t, it was, and like the asshole I am, rarely tried to hide it. Now I saw where it got me. Out the fucking door.

“You may not believe this Greta, but I am sorry if I have caused you or others any harm.”

She studied me. She looked down at her desk. Shook her head. Face softening. Lips normal. “You have a lot of talent. Learn how to use it without shoving it in people’s faces.”

“I do that when I’m feeling less than.” I did, and I also knew that an asshole doesn’t evoke much empathy.

“Talk to HR about your separation package and your rights. You can come back this weekend and clean out your personal belongings or do it today. Your choice. Please place the articles on this list in this envelope and deliver to HR by Monday.” She handed me the list and the envelope. She extended her hand. I grasped it. She gripped mine firmly. “I wish you well.”

I believe she did. But I wasn’t feeling it. Maybe that’s part of what she meant about fit. I get these feelings, they burn inside me until they force their way out. They do me no good. And here I was again.

Everybody knew. Her assistant. Jenna. Security, who now stood at the door, just in case. They reported to me. I was the last to know. My pride was shattered. Fear filled my chest. I tried to hold my head up. It’d be over soon. I’d done it to others. Now it was my turn. The second time for me. The first time. I was a kid, twenty-two, helper on a beer truck. I wasn’t stealing, it was the driver. I didn’t rat him out.

Out the door. The torrent had turned to a drizzle. I walked aimlessly towards my car searching for my keys. Should I leave? Go back to my office? It really didn’t matter. Two hours ago I was in charge of multi-million dollar budgets and hundreds of people, who at times respected or feared me. Now some would be celebrating and some might be mourning my demise. Shortly, I’d be forgotten. Everybody survives without you, to think they won’t is bullshit. Anything else is an over assessment of my importance. I’m just a guy. Not a savior.

The wind had died. I was both sweating and shivering. I felt very much alone. A year was going to be hard to get.

I had nothing to report, and no one to report to. It was barely noon. I hadn’t spoken to my ex in twelve years. My two boys were gone, one in Fiji teaching yoga and meditation, the other living in the city at a job he’d just started. They didn’t need my grief. My dog loved me, but lately it seemed like I bored him. Most likely when I got home I’d find a pile on the floor to welcome me.

I’d clean out the office later. I found my car in the visitor lot where I always parked. I pressed my fob. Nothing, not a twitch or honk or anything. Again. Nothing. Dead. Just like me. I stabbed the key into the door and twisted the lock open. I slid into the seat. My soggy suit stuck to my chilled skin.

And yes, Rebecca was gone. After four years she’d left the ring on the nightstand and shut the door. She had pushed for that ring. But we never set the date. Never called me her fiancé. Walked out with a sad look on her face, but not enough sadness to get her to stay. Maybe we weren’t a good fit either. I don’t think it was the drinking. I kept that from her pretty good. And the few times I didn’t she joined in. Her reasons were just as clear as Greta’s. “We’re going nowhere. We don’t communicate. You’re far away and we have no future.” Stuff I knew was more true than not. So instead of fighting for us, I let us drift away.

She was right. I didn’t fit in here. Fuck her and these pampered, arrogant, indulgent, kiss-ass doctors.

A triple Dewar’s White Label with a splash of water would go good right now, but I was almost at a year. The last time I had that drink I woke up in Mexico laying on a cot embracing a bearded goat. Turns out I’m not a farm animal kind of guy. So I couldn’t let Rebecca’s rejection and the evisceration by Greta with all its accompanying humiliation drive me to the bottle.

I could hear Tommy telling me “cunning, baffling, powerful”. He talked like that. He was my sponsor. And he worried too much.

I should call him. I always felt better when I did. He’d chew my ass. But I was sixty, not a kid. And I just got fired.

I started the car. Cold air blasted my legs. I was jumpy, rubbing my hands together, waiting for the air to warm. Some idiot was barking on sports talk radio. I didn’t need his big mouth yelling at me. He was trying to make everything sound important or profound, but like he was from the neighborhood. He probably was a media-wise shill, from an Ivy League school, knocking down a couple hundred K a year, selling Viagra to guys who didn’t have anything better to do in the middle of the day. Now, I was one of them. How long before I started calling in?

I’d call Tommy instead. He’d give me his crap, and I’d listen, then feel better, and then he’d throw in, “Let’s go to a meeting.” A meeting was his answer for everything. Sometimes, you know, it’s not. Sometimes you have to hit the problem between the eyes. He’d always say “Pause, pray, proceed.” Sometimes it was just too much. I threw on Puccini’s Tosca instead. Depressing as hell, full of torture, murder, and suicide, but the music was beautiful.

I backed up the car. The white Crown Vic I signed a requisition for just months ago edged closer. For Christ’s sake, what did Greta think? I was going to go nuts? Randy, the old guy, sat behind the wheel, Brylcreemed hair and weird handlebar mustache. Junior, his sidekick, a steroid pumped over-caffeinated blonde kid coiled next to him, ready to jump out of the car. Both carefully watching to make sure I left without incident. Security. Highlands’ finest.

I threw it into gear. Randy and Junior in pursuit. What the hell, give them something to do, I’d liven up their day, and make them earn their money. I drove slowly around the campus heading towards Greta’s office. Would they just follow me or flip on their lights? Training would indicate caution, but no lights. I shouldn’t be doing this. One was old, near retirement, and the other’s juice-strained mind was totally unpredictable. As I exited the campus they looked relieved, staring between the wipers on the Crown Vic. With a nod they each saluted, acknowledging my final departure. I was touched by their deference and as always, disappointed in my behavior.

#Sobriety #South Side #Fiction #Chicago Fiction

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