#I went to write this 4 hours ago and got distracted

[yesterdayiwrote]

No, the fits are fine, but what the actual fuck is the deal with the photo retouching in those merc pictures? They've done them both dirty?!

[huggybug]

red flags - ryan leonard

word count: 4.0 words

note: oh hi, remember me?? it’s been a minute but i’m back! my first time writing in a LONG time so go easy on me <3 manifesting big things for the caps with this one🙂‍↕️

One week.

It had been a week since you watched your boyfriend lose to Denver in the Frozen Four. Well, he was your boyfriend. As of 6 days ago, he was your ex.

You weren’t surprised when Ryan texted you the morning after the game. He had returned to Boston the night before but you were already asleep so waking up to a text from Ryan reading ‘I need to focus on hockey right now. I’m sorry’

You didn’t even bother with a response. It wasn’t necessarily a complete surprise but you also weren’t thrilled. Ryan knew he was moving on to the NHL after this season, it was more a matter of when that would happen. And while you figured long distance might be a bit of a strain, you hadn’t expected your relationship to be ended through a text on a random Monday morning.

Over the past two years, you were known among your friends to have a tumultuous relationship. You were both easily jealous and it caused constant fights. It was never the same thing, it would go back and forth and neither of you were one to back down from a fight. You had to admit it was toxic but despite knowing that, you’d be right back with him within the week every time.

They were playing Michigan State and were there for the whole weekend. You had watched his game in your dorm and as Ryan scored his first goal of the season. When the game ended in a 4-3 loss, you sent your boyfriend a text congratulating him on the goal and condolences on the loss. He only heart reacted to the message but you chalked it up to the loss and let it slide. Ryan usually will call you after a game but you didn’t expect anything after that so you put your phone away and went to sleep.

A couple hours later, you woke up to your phone buzzing and open it to see text after text from a friend from high school who just so happened to go to Michigan State. ‘Isn’t this your boyfriend??’ Followed by a blurry photo of guy standing at a bar. You have to zoom in to see the girl who’s trapped between his arms, facing him with her back to said bar. You sit up in bed, flicking through the other photos your friend sent. One of Ryan bending down to hear whatever the girl is saying, one with him tipping his head back in laughter, and finally one where he’s leaning in for what looks like a kiss. While they’re not actually kissing, it’s not hard to assume that’s what’s about to happen.

Your heart is pounding against your chest as you try to figure out what to do. It’s not like you can do much. Ryan’s 12 hours away, making out with a mystery Michigan woman while you’re stuck in your dorm. You quickly answered your friend before switching over to your thread with Ryan. Staring at the message he’d basically ignored from four hours earlier, you’re hitting the call button before you even register it.

“Y/n?” You can barely hear him when he answers but then it gets quieter so you assume he’s stepped outside of whatever bar they’re at. “What’s going on?”

You’re at a loss for words. After a minute of silence, you realize you have nothing to say to him so you hang up. Instead, you copy the photos you were sent and send them to him. Then, you shut your phone off and go back to sleep.

When the team got back to campus the following day, Ryan beelined it to your dorm and when you opened your door to him with lunch from your favourite place and a bouquet of pink tulips, begging for your forgiveness, of course you let him in.

You weren’t sure if you wanted it to stick this time. The past two years had been building up to the excitement of Ryan making to the NHL and you feel like you’d been a small part in that journey so not getting to experience it with him was a little disappointing. However, if that’s what was better for him, so be it. You decided to distract yourself the way you knew best, partying.

Your friends made it their mission to not let you stay home when there was opportunity to go out. You went to bars, frat parties, you name it. And if Ryan happened to see you through peoples stories or posts on social media, that just made it all the better.

Ryan made his NHL debut on the Tuesday and you didn’t watch. You went to a friends house for a games night. He scored his first goal on Friday night, you were at a frat party. The Capitals clinched their playoff spot on the following Tuesday while you were at your favourite bar to watch the Bruins game with your friends.

It had been 8 days since you last spoke to him when the text came through.

Can you be here on the 20th?

You had to check the name three times before you believed it. Ryan Leonard.

You didn’t answer at first, not exactly knowing what to do. Then your phone started to ring. You slid your phone off the table and excused yourself from your friends. Stepping outside of the restaurant, you took a breath before sliding to answer.

“What do you want Ryan?” You answered with an attitude.

“Did you see my text?” He puffed out quickly.

“Yes” You sighed, “Again, what do you want?” You weren’t exactly upset but you were frustrated.

“Well the girls were asking when you’d be able to get here because I guess they want some group picture in the outfits…” Ryan trailed off and left you confused.

“What girls?” You felt like this was a practical joke being played on you. There was not a single hint of your understanding in what he was talking about.

“The fucking wives Y/n. What do you mean what girls?” Ryan huffed and you almost laughed at the fact that he sounded so put out by your confusion.

“Ryan what the fuck are you talking about?”

“The jackets Y/n. They ordered them and now they want to know when you’ll be here to get yours” That made your head spin. First of all, how did they know to order one for Ryan and also why was he now expecting you to come collect it.

“I’m sorry, what?”

“Y/n. Just answer the question” He was getting mad but you didn’t care.

“No Ryan, tell me what the hell is going on. Did I just imagine you breaking up with me in a text last week? Are you really coming back and pretending nothing happened? You can’t blame me for being confused right now”

“Look, I shouldn’t have blown you off like that, I’m sorry. I was stressed about leaving and I know that’s not an excuse but I promise I’ll be better. I just need you here for playoffs, please baby” You took a deep breath, taking it in. He sounded sincere but Ryan always had a knack for that. You never doubted his sincerity and usually that led to your own demise.

“If I get you a flight on the 20th, can you be here?” He asked after a moment had gone by without you saying anything. You can't believe the words until they're spewing out of your mouth.

“Fine. Send me the ticket” You said quickly before hanging up the phone, dropping your head and wondering why the hell you just agreed to that.

…

As soon as you stepped out of the doors at Dulles International Airport, your eyes locked on Ryan. He was leaning against what you would imagine was his rental car, a sleek black Range Rover, with a huge bouquet of pink flowers in hand. One thing about Ryan is while he knows how to cause a fight, he sure as hell knows how to fix one.

“Hi baby” He immediately pulls you into his arms and you melt right into him. “I’m so sorry, I missed you, I love you so much”

You take a step back and accept the flowers as he takes care of your luggage. “Missed you too Ry”

Last summer you went to see Ryan when he was staying at his family’s house on the Cape with a few of the guys on the team. Ryan promised you a week of drinking, going out on his boat, and hanging around with friends and you were excited. That was until you spent the first two days in the house alone while all the boys went golfing. You could have gone with them but when Will had been the one to ask you to come instead of your boyfriend, you opted to stay back and sulk.

When Ryan came home from golfing the second day, you were in a bad mood and he was the perfect target to take it out on.

"Hey babe, we're going to go out for dinner, you almost ready?" Ryan asked as he walked into your shared bedroom for the week.

"Oh I'm invited?" You scoffed and he paused, shirt halfway over his head, turning to look at you.

"What are you talking about? Of course you are" Ryan tosses his shirt onto the floor near the laundry hamper.

"Well you haven't exactly cared to have me around so far, how am I supposed to know tonight's different" You huff and you can hear Ryan sigh as he turns to head into the bathroom.

"I'm not doing this right now. Come or don't, I don't give a shit" Ryan rolls his eyes, clearly frustrated with you but you continue to push at him.

"You invite me here and for what Ryan? To have me wait around for you while you're out with your buddies? Great way for me to spend my time"

"God forbid I go golfing with the boys" He holds his hands up in surrender, mocking you.

"You know it's not just that Ryan" He had barely spoken to you over the past couple days, coming home after dinner at the club last night and leaving this morning before you woke up.

"You're acting ridiculous right now, I'm going to shower. Either be ready when I'm done or stay home" He flings the door shut behind him and you're left alone in the bedroom once again.

Needing some fresh air, you head to the backyard but stop in your tracks when you run into Will as you're stepping outside. "Hey, are you okay?" You laugh dryly, knowing that the look on your face is answering his question itself. "Leno's an idiot, I'm sure he didn't mean whatever he said" The fact that he knew that you two were fighting without you having to say anything spoke volumes about your relationship. Sometimes you thought about what your friends or family members think about your relationship. How many more times your best friend will let you crash at her place at 2 am after Ryan had ran you out of his dorm, when you’re crying on her couch and she has to reassure you everything is going to be okay. You think about how much time and energy this relationship takes from you yet you still decide to go back each time.

"You know I love you Will but if you're just going to defend him, I really don't want to hear it" You brush past him and move to the edge of the deck, looking out at the water and taking a few breaths.

“Look, you know I love you both but give him a chance to apologize for whatever it is, you know he will, he always does” Will says and hesitates for a moment, “You guys always figure it out, this time won’t be any different” You hear the door to the house open and close again behind him.

“That’s the problem though, isn’t it?” You mumble to yourself. You let Will’s words sit with you for a moment before heading back up to your room where Ryan is just finishing getting ready.

“You’re not ready?” He asks through the mirror as he fusses with his hair.

“I was just talking to Will and-” He abruptly cuts you off.

“Oh? Fucking around with Smitty now are we?” He asks and you’re frozen in your spot, jaw hanging at his insinuation. While he had had his moments, you were not a cheater.

“Stop talking out of your ass you know that’s not true” You roll your eyes, almost mad at yourself that you had come back up here to make up with him.

“Wouldn’t put it past you”

“You know what? Fuck you. I’m done” Grabbing your bag from the closet, you start throwing your things in, collecting whatever you can find of your stuff before moving onto the bathroom.

“Oh you’re gonna run away now?” He wasn’t even looking at you, he was on his phone and that only made you more angry.

“Yeah I am because I’m so over your shit. You act like a child and I’m not putting up with it anymore”

Once you’re in the car, it’s like nothing even happened. Ryan spends the whole time talking about the team and how great everyone’s been at helping him out. He explains how he’s living with one of the guys and it’s been nothing short of a dream. Pulling up to the house, it’s absolutely gorgeous. Ryan gets your bags out and is up to the door before you can even process it. He introduces you to his teammate and his girlfriend, Maddie before ushering you towards his room, leaving your bags by the closet doors. You wait until he’s finished fiddling around with things before you burst the bubble of happiness he’s created.

“Ryan, why am I here?” He sets the puck down that he had picked up to show you, his first goal puck you’re assuming, and turns to look at you.

It’s the first time you’ve really gotten to look at him, to take it all in. He looks tired. His usual bright blue eyes are dimmed and are matching with the dark bags under his eyes. His shoulders are slightly hunched like he’s holding more weight on them since you’d last seen him.

“I needed you” He says simply. It’s quiet but you can hear the hesitation in his voice. He takes a deep breath before continuing, “I fucked up leaving you like that, I know. I thought it would be for the best but I think I forgot how much I fucking need you in my life”

You don’t know what to say to that so instead you close the distance between the two of you and pull him down for a kiss. This is how it always goes with you two and well, who were you to ruin the cycle.

…

Capital One Arena was absolutely electric for the Captials’ first playoff game. You follow close behind Maddie, the only girlfriend on the team that you know however you’re all in a group. 20 girls in matching jackets charging through the arena and you’ve never felt more out of place. The girls are all talking to each other and while they all introduced themselves when Maddie introduced you to the group, you had been left out of the conversation ever since. You didn’t blame them though, they’ve all spent the year together, their husbands or boyfriends were all friends and you were just a random 20 year old following them around. At least back at BC, all the girls were so similar it was easy to hang out as a group.

You tried to keep up the facade of being Ryan’s girlfriend. It wasn’t a total lie of course, but the reality of your relationship seemed too intricate to explain to the group of women you had just met. You spoke when you were spoken to but aside from that, you kept to yourself which nobody seemed to mind.

“So Y/n, this is your first time here? You didn’t come for Ryan’s debut?” One of the girls asks and you smile sheepishly.

“I couldn’t make it because of school” You lie, “I couldn’t miss this though” That part was more true.

Then, the lights dimmed and the conversation was dropped, everyone’s attention turning to the ice where the team was coming out of the tunnel as the crowd roared.

You spotted Ryan as soon as he stepped onto the ice. This is what you were comfortable with. Watching Ryan’s games over the past couple years became one of your favourite memories, you loved watching him excel in his passion and a wave of pride rolled over you as the in-arena announcer said his name, prompting the crowd to get even louder.

The game eventually got started and you watched intently as you toyed with the sleeve of your jacket. The jacket with the 9 patches on the sleeves, Leonard stitched into the collar. It made you feel a certain type of way, it was like Ryan had accepted you into this part of his life. Like by giving you this jacket, he had decided you weren’t going to be a part of his college life, you were going to last longer than that. You’d assume that after two years you wouldn’t need a silly jacket to tell you that but Ryan always kept you guessing.

The game ended up going to overtime but luckily the Capitals pulled off the win. The girls celebrated with the rest of the fans before heading down to the family room. You of course just followed along, not knowing where to go and suddenly very grateful you had a group of people with you so you didn’t have to figure it out yourself. The family room was pretty full once everyone was there, some kids running around while the younger ones were falling asleep on the couches. Guys trickled out one by one from the big double doors at one end of the room, which you assumed led to the locker room. You waited for probably 30 minutes before Ryan emerged, wide smile on his face and eyes searching for you in the small crowd that was left.

“Congrats on the win” You say as he hugs you tightly, pulling you close.

“Thanks for being here baby” He says quietly and you smile, squeezing him even tighter.

It was the moments like this that made you forget all the red flags. Ryan was the sweetest, most loving guy most of the time. The not so great moments, those were only a fraction of what you experienced with him. You went easily as he slung his arm around your shoulders and started walking you out to his car.

…

Game two was here and it feels like the energy had multiplied from last game. You went out with the girls before and surprisingly, you felt more at ease. As you all headed to the arena, you found yourself thinking that you could get used to this.

This game wasn't nearly as close as the last one but the fans fed into the excitement and you cheered as the Capitals won again, going 2-0 in the series. It was the best possible outcome and you knew Ryan would be excited. The team was all happy with the wins but most, if not all of them, have experienced it before. Ryan wasn't new to playoff hockey but the Stanley Cup Playoffs were a whole thing entirely, or so he told you.

The night went similarly to last time, you waited for him in the family room and once he finally emerged, you walked hand in hand to his car.

"So you leave tomorrow?" You ask him once you're out of the parking garage.

"Yeah in the afternoon I think" He pauses, trying to remember the schedule that they had just gone over in their meeting. "There's probably a flight to Boston in the morning" You nodded, sinking back into your seat. Of course you had to go back. You had school and there was no reason for you to stay here while Ryan was in Montreal.

"I should pack then" You say more to yourself than to him.

"You didn't expect to stay here did you?" He asked and the question hit you like a knife in the chest. You were at a loss for words for a moment, feeling stupid for ever expecting anything different from him.

"So is this it then?" You decide to ignore his question and ask one of your own instead.

"What?" He looks over at you with wide eyes.

"Well I'd rather get it out of the way rather than land in Boston to another text from you" You say coldly, staring straight ahead at the road in front of you.

"Y/n... I said I was sorry for. that" He replied, a hint of desperation in his voice.

"I just don't know if I can trust you to not do it again" You don't want to start a fight but you had to ask.

"Are you serious?"

"Look at our track record Ry, and it's not just you. Trust me, I know I've caused a lot of it too. We just can't seem to figure it out"

"I have figured it out. I need you Y/n. I need you in my life, in Washington. I don't know how you got the idea that I don't but we can figure it out, I know we can" He flicked the turn signal on a little more aggressively than necessary, his frustration ringing out.

"Why can't you see it Ryan? You shouldn't need me here. You should want me" You sigh, "And you don't, that's the problem" Ryan's number one priority was Ryan and right after that it was hockey. You didn't fault him for it but with that being said, it just didn't seem like there was a space for you in his life right now.

"No- I can't-" He had pulled into the driveway now and turned as much as he could to face you in the car. "I'm sorry, just tell me what to do"

"Look, we both have our shit we need to figure out. We break up and we make up but nothing ever changes. Just cause we want it to work doesn't mean it should, some things just aren't meant to be"

...

You watched the airport get smaller as the plane pulled away and you felt it deep in your chest. You were leaving a part of you behind in Washington. He was going to get on a plane himself and you hated that he would probably be laughing and joking around with his teammates while you're by yourself, pressed against the window.

When Ryan dropped you off this morning, walking away from him was the hardest thing you have ever done. It wasn't the first time but it did feel like the last time. In your previous break ups, it typically was a result from a fight. It was immature and silly but that's what made you fall right back into it days later. This time, it was stemmed from a more mature place, you had a conversation and while it wasn't necessarily what either of you wanted, but it was what was needed.

However, that didn't mean the door was closed forever. And if he messaged you when they made it to the finals, asking if you could come back to the city for the series, part of you knew you'd be looking for flights before you even finished reading the text.

[junixscribble]

The Holiday Spirit

I was seized by the spirit of creation and held by the throat till I wrote this. Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays I guess! (thanks to the tk server for the fuel!)

Title: The Holiday Spirit

WC: 1621w

Summary: Viktor is stubbornly refusing to get into the Snowdown spirit and leave his work alone for an evening. Jayce uses the only method he knows of to get him to chill, only to realise this deal goes both ways.

-------

Piltover had grown cold with the change of seasons, and with it came a healthy dose of cheer tinged with worry for Jayce. The first snowfall on the city made him anxious and sent him back to the swirling blizzard he had been trapped in before the mage appeared to save him and his mother. It was manageable, but storms left him on edge more often than not. 

Thankfully, Snowdown was a welcome distraction. Houses were lit with warm hues and decor was slung over trees and buildings in the city, so Jayce could find as much business as he wanted in the decoration of his own home. The fire roared in the fireplace, filling the small apartment with heat and light while Jayce stood atop a cobbled together ladder and hung bunting on the window frame. A record blasted holiday tunes to fill the silence and Jayce was happy with his progress.

His peace was interrupted when the door was flung open by an appropriately disgruntled and cold Viktor, shopping bag in one hand and crutch in the other.

“It is fucking shitty out there.” He stated, chucking the bag on the counter and shutting the door before starting to take off a multitude of layers. “My crutch was slipping all over the ground and frankly I’m offended that I left the house at all.”

“Vik, you insisted you’d be fine to pick up the groceries.” Jayce said, coming down off the ladder with a grin. Viktor glared at him.

“Well Viktor from an hour ago was an imbecile and should not have been trusted.”

“You threatened to smack me with your cane if I went instead.” 

“As I said. Imbecile. Now why are you hanging fabric from the roof?” Viktor asked, head tilted.

Jayce shrugged. “It’s Snowdown. Bunting is nice!”

“Ah, yes. Consumerism central masked as a fun holiday.” 

That earned Viktor a long enduring sigh from Jayce. “Vik, you’ve gotta make fun for yourself somehow.”

Viktor hummed and started putting away the groceries, examining the apartment as he did so. “It certainly looks… festive.” 

“That’s the point! Oh, I’ve actually got something for you.” Jayce ran out into the bedroom and came out with a maroon sweater with white snowflakes embroidered on.

“This is for you!” 

Viktor took it from his hands, feeling the fabric over. “This is a holiday sweater, no?”

Jayce nodded, a proud smile on his face. Viktor couldn’t say no to him like that - and from what he could tell the sweater was very well made. 

Viktor took off his cardigan and pulled on the sweater to find it offensively soft and warm. He opened his mouth to speak and then closed it before starting again. 

“I was going to say something witty and perhaps a little insulting, but this is… comfortable. Thank you, Jayce.”

“My mother made it. You should have seen the ones she made when she was starting out - they were as wonky as they come. She’s gotten quite good at it though.” 

“Tell her I appreciate it.” Viktor said with a smile, and then pulled out a thick tome filled with taped in notes. He opened it on the table, brought out a pencil, and started puzzling over an equation. 

Jayce huffed. “Seriously, Vik? We’re like 4 days out from the holidays, surely you can stand not to bring work home with you.”

“Progress waits for no one. Least of all a man-made excuse for avarice.” 

“Viktoooor, come ooooon!” Jayce wheedled. “We’ve both been working since the sun rose. We can go back tomorrow.” 

Viktor kept writing, lost in his own head. Jayce sighed and cracked his knuckles. “Well if you’re not going to get into the Snowdown spirit yourself, I’m gonna have to make you.”

It took a minute for Viktor to process the sentence and by the time he realised and tried to scramble out of his chair Jayce was almost on top of him. He braced himself for the awful feeling of fingers on his sides but when the attack came all he felt was the movement of fabric. Viktor stood in shock for a minute before looking at Jayce’s face and barking out a laugh.

“Ha! The sweater is too thick for you! Suck on thahahAT FUHUCK OFF!” 

Jayce had sent his hands under Viktor’s jumper in the middle of his sentence and that crawling feeling Viktor had been anticipating was now directly over his sides. 

“By Janna, how many layers are you wearing, Vik? I’m surprised you’re feeling this at all!” Jayce teased, genuinely amused at how much Viktor was twitching at him tickling through what felt like six layers of fabric. 

“Yohou are a cruel and unjuhust pahartner!” 

“Eh, no I’m not. If you’re that resistant about getting into the holiday spirit, then I think you need more convincing.” Jayce pulled his hands down from Viktor’s sides and found the top layer of fabric, slipping back under it and scuttling up to spider under his arms now. Viktor’s arms pinned to his sides and he hunched his shoulders up, leaning into Jayce’s chest as he laughed. 

“Coal! Coahal and beetles are all you are getting thihis year!”

 “That doesn’t sound all that cheerful to me. Do you need another layer?” Jayce cocked his head and smiled when Viktor buried his face in his neck. 

“Nohoho! Let me go!”

Instead of answering Jayce pulled his hands out again and stuck them under another layer, this time scribbling all over his stomach. He could feel that there weren’t many layers left, and by the looks of Viktor immediately trying to pull his hands away he could feel it too. 

“Jahahayce! You’re a fuhucking fiend and I am going to put snohow in your pajamas-”

“That’s it.” 

Jayce pulled out all the stops and slid his hands under the final layer of fabric, squeezing Viktor’s hips before scrabbling towards his upper ribs, completely unprotected by his brace. In one motion Viktor threw his head back and cackled while losing his footing and dropping to the floor. Jayce took a second to break his fall before going right back to drawing spirals over his ribs. This kind of tickling wasn’t as intense, but Viktor was still squirming around like a fish out of water under him. 

All Viktor did in response to Jayce’s raised, questioning eyebrows was stick out his tongue, so Jayce kneaded and wiggled his fingers between the bones of his ribs. Viktor shrieked and started swearing in Czech, hurling out several that Jayce recognised. As punishment he pulled one hand off his ribs and set it on his tummy, squeezing and spidering over the skin. 

“Are you cheered up now? In the Snowdown spirit?” Jayce asked. Viktor glared through his giggles and Jayce shrugged.

“Guess I’m pulling out the raspberries. Come on, let me at your belly.” 

“NO!” Viktor yelled and in a burst of energy rolled to the side and away from Jayce, ending up face down and protecting himself. “Keep your evil beard away from my fucking stomach!” 

Jayce laughed and sat back, giving up the game. “The beard tickles that badly, does it?” 

Viktor flushed and sat up with his arms firmly around his middle. “What the hell do you think?” 

“I’ll be sure to keep it then.”

Viktor sputtered through some words before standing with the help of the couch. Jayce handed his crutch back to him which he accepted before moving to the kitchen. 

“Get your round ass in here and cook.” 

…

A few hours later Jayce was snug on the couch with a book while Viktor was in the shower. All was well until a high pitched yelp rang out and Jayce jumped to his feet, sprinting to the door.

“Viktor, are you alright?” 

The shower cut off and was followed with some select insults at the plumbing before a reply was heard. 

“The water turned fucking ice cold! Again!” 

Jayce winced. “The wind must have blown the boiler. I’ll fix it.”

It only took five minutes for Jayce to reset the boiler and by the time it was done Viktor was dressed in warm pajamas. Despite the heavy fabric, he was shivering. Jayce stood and closed the closet door, gesturing over to the couch so they could sit down. The two of them curled up together, Viktor leaning into Jayce’s side with his eyes closed. They sat like that, content for a while, until Viktor grumbled and started pulling at Jayce’s sweater. 

“Let me in.” Viktor said, quite literally trying to crawl into the jumper with Jayce. Jayce would have been fine with this if Viktor’s hands weren’t the same temperature as an ice cube. He jumped at the contact, squirming away with half a yelp. 

Viktor was of brilliant, sharp mind, and it didn’t take long for him to connect the dots. He slid his hands further up Jayce’s deliciously warm sides and grinned at the resulting laugh. 

“My hands are cold. I think you can help with this.” Viktor said, and that was all the warning Jayce got before freezing cold, nimble fingers were crawling all over his torso. He pressed into the back of the couch, snickering and trying to take it but all it took was Viktor kneading his belly for him to break into full laughter. Viktor perked up at the sound and a dangerous glint caught his eyes.

“I wonder if you can take raspberries as well as you dish them out?” 

Jayce had less than a second to protest before Viktor pressed his lips to his stomach and sent him into a laughing fit like no other. There was no doubt about it - Jayce was completely and utterly done for. 

[stop-talking]

So I'm stuck on this shithole island, and I can't even have a smoke? (pt. 5)

Derek Danforth x fem reader

Word count: 4k

Tags: 18+, Derek x fem reader, no use of y/n, angst, lots of fluff, enemies, enemies to lovers, fluff, (very) slowburn, sass, banter, misogynistic undertones, (Derek is a prick), suggestive themes, mentions of drug use, withdrawals, rehab, masturbating.

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 6

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To celebrate a week of sobriety, you decide to surprise Derek with a cake.

Of course, since there isn't exactly a bakery on a remote island, you had to bake it yourself.

Which you did. Last night. Now you stand in the kitchen, wondering how exactly you should decorate the damn thing.

And what to write on it?

"Congrats, maybe now you'll live past 40!" No, that's morbid.

"Bye-bye blunts and blow!" Too cringy.

"Happy one-week?" Hmm... that sounds like an anniversary thing.

Damnit. Maybe this isn't a situation that calls for cake after all. You sigh and continue to mumble random slogans to yourself as you slather the icing on nice and thick.

It looks a little messy, but you're not exactly a professional baker. Which is unfortunate, because that's probably exactly what he's used to. Oh well. It's the thought that counts, right?

You just want to show him how proud you are. He really has changed a lot over the past week, surprising you every day with how... normal he can be. When he wants to, at least.

Picking up a piping bag of green icing, you start placing decorative dollops around the edge of the cake. Some of them are a little lopsided, but it doesn't look too bad overall.

What now? You mindlessly lick some stray icing off your wrist and stare down at the gaping blank space in the middle of the cake.

Eventually, you settle on three words.

"Proud of you."

It's fitting. He has a lot to be proud of. Not just the sobriety stuff, but everything.

He's been picking up new skills every day. You smile as you tidy up the cake decorating mess strewn about the counter, thinking back to your first time cooking with Derek.

He'd been cocky and overconfident, and so utterly dumbfounded when that pancake met a splatter-y death on the stovetop.

And yet, he still got back up and tried again. After relentless pestering from you, obviously, but it still counted.

You stand back and survey your work. Cream colored icing, green lettering, and... okay, maybe the hearts were a bit much. Hopefully he didn't get the wrong idea. You're just... proud. That's all.

Now the only thing missing is Derek. He went upstairs an hour or so ago for a nap, mumbling something about a headache. Poor thing.

He's been so damn clingy lately, always touching you in some way or another. It seemed almost subconscious for him at times. A hand on your shoulder, his knee against yours, an arm around your waist... no matter what you were doing, he had to have physical contact.

You smile as you make your way upstairs to his room. Maybe today would be the day you finally give him a proper hug.

・○・・・・���・○・・・・・・○・・・・・・○・・・・・・○・

Derek is woken from his fitful sleep to the sound of you calling out his name.

Usually, that would be a welcome sound. You're always such a good distraction from his withdrawals.

But right now? He just wants to sleep. No, more than that. He wants to hibernate, to go into a goddamn coma and never have to wake up again.

"Can I have another twenty minutes?" He croaks, lifting his head from the mess of pillows to call out to you.

Apparently he can't, because he hears the door click open, and you peek your head in through the crack.

Derek just groans and buries his face back into the bed. His sheets and blankets are a tangled mess, and he's twisted himself into an awkward angle throughout his nap.

"Come on, It's been over an hour already." Derek can feel the bed shift as you take a seat on the edge.

"Well I'm still fuckin' exhausted." He mumbles into the pillow, not bothering to turn and look at you.

"Derek. You should know by now I'm not gonna let you rot in bed all day."

The almost sarcastic tone in your voice is what finally breaks him. This week has been hell, and you're just mocking him.

He hasn't only given up drugs this week, but all of his servants and staff as well. It was one thing to help you with cooking, but yesterday you'd made him do laundry. LAUNDRY. What the fuck did he look like? A maid?

"Fuck off." He grumbles a little louder, pushing your hand away as you reach to play with his hair.

His sour attitude apparently doesn't deter you any, because he can hear you laughing at him. Derek grits his teeth and finally sits up, glaring at you.

"You're really fucking annoying, you know that? Always pissing me off."

The words leave his mouth before he can really think them through, and when he sees your smile fall he immediately regrets them.

Unfortunately, he's too tired, sick, and stubborn to take it all back. Even while his heart drops into his stomach, he continues to glare daggers at you.

"Alright... twenty more minutes." With that, you slide off his bed and quickly make your way to the door.

Fuck. As soon as the door closes, Derek is left in darkness, in more ways than one.

His stomach twists into knots and he can feel his chest grow heavy. He tries to scramble after you, but gets caught in the tangle of blankets and ends up falling to the floor instead.

God damn it. Why does he always have to be such a fuck up? You aren't annoying. You're the only thing keeping him sane right now, and he goes and pushes you away.

He collapses on the floor, sighing at the feeling of the cold hardwood against his cheek. A few tears roll down his face, and he laughs bitterly as a thought crosses his mind.

Your thighs make a much better pillow than the floor.

・○・・・・・・○・・・・・・○・・・・・・○・・・・・・○・

Twenty minutes later, you knock at Derek's door once more. He mumbles something incomprehensible, and you take that as permission to enter.

The sight in front of you makes you pause. What the hell is he doing? You flip the lights on just to make sure your eyes aren't playing tricks on you.

They aren't.

Derek Danforth lies on the floor next to his bed, groaning and blinking up at the harsh overhead light.

"Looks real comfortable down there." You tease, setting the glass of water you brought him on his bedside table before joining him on the floor.

He refuses to look at you, throwing his arm over his eyes and groaning.

"You need to eat. And drink. I brought you some water."

Derek stays quiet as you sit next to him and place a hand on his shoulder. His lips are pressed into a tight line, and he's still hiding behind his arm.

"Why are you so goddamn nice?" He finally groans.

"We've already had that talk."

"Okay, then why are you so goddamn nice even when I'm being a prick?"

You move his arm away from his face, and he doesn't fight it. When you finally get a look at him, it's obvious he's been crying.

Derek Danforth. Crying on his bedroom floor. That's a sight.

A sight that really breaks your heart, actually. His watery eyes threaten to make yours overflow as well, so you quickly wipe away his tears with the hem of your shirt.

"You think I expect you to go through three weeks of rehab and not be a prick sometimes?"

Derek actually chuckles at that, and finally meets your gaze. He looks absolutely wrecked.

"I didn't mean what I said earlier."

"I know."

You scoot a little closer, and gently tug at him. He takes the hint, placing his head on your lap with his cheek against your thigh.

Neither of you talk for a few minutes. He just closes his eyes and sighs as you play with his hair. Over the past week, you've learned what he likes. Tug at his curls in just the right way, and he...

Derek lets out a soft whimper and you smile. There it is.

"Wanna make it up to me?" You tease.

He glances up at you, an eager look in his eyes.

"How?"

"Get rid of this." You laugh and trail a finger along his jawline, feeling at his overgrown stubble. He most likely hasn't shaved since arriving here a week ago.

"What? You don't like it?"

"Do you?"

"..."

Derek pouts, pushing your hand away and feeling at it himself. His brow furrows adorably as he considers your words.

"It looks manly."

"There's a difference between manly and cave-man-ly."

He scoffs at that, but when you start poking and prodding at his face where his stubble has grown out, he cracks a smile.

"Fine, fine. You win. I'll shave."

He swats your intrusive hands away, then sits up and stretches.

Now that he's up and moving, you decide it's time to go. On your way out the door, you hesitate, remembering the reason you came to get him in the first place.

"Oh, don't take too long. I have a surprise waiting for you downstairs."

・○・・・・・・○・・・・・・○・・・・・・○・・・・・・○・

Derek stares at himself in the bathroom mirror, feeling at his stubble. You're right, he does look better with a trim.

He knows he should head downstairs, but his heart is beating a million times a second, and not even from withdrawals.

That little comment about a surprise? God damnit. You're teasing him. You have to be. How could you say something like that and not expect him to get excited?

Derek sighs and tucks his boner into the waistband of his boxers, then looks at himself in the mirror one more time to make sure it isn't noticeable. It's not... mostly.

Damnit. He could probably take a few minutes and rub one out, but he'd absolutely die of embarrassment if you walked in on him AGAIN.

He groans and turns to leave. Oh well. It's hidden well enough, and you'd already seen worse. Plus... maybe if this surprise is anything like his fantasies, he'd have an opportunity to use it.

"Oh, wait wait wait!" You scramble over to him as he trudges downstairs, keeping him from entering the living room.

"Are you gonna tell me what my surprise is?"

"No! Then it wouldn't be a surprise at all. Close your eyes."

Derek does as instructed, shutting his eyes tight. When feels you grab his hand and start to tug him along, he can't help but sneak a peek.

"I swear... if your Idea of a surprise is to walk me into a wall-"

"Oh, shut it." You scoff and clap your free hand over his eyes.

"Just trust me. And no peeking."

Derek grumbles, but he does trust you. A lot more than he lets on. So, he blindly stumbles along as you lead him into the... kitchen? Yeah, he's pretty sure he's in the kitchen.

"Okay, you can look." You uncover his eyes, but keep a tight hold on his hand as you beam at him.

"What do you think?"

What does he think?

What does he think?

Derek chokes up at the sight before him, and has to turn his head so you don't see the way his eyes are watering again.

A cake. You baked him a fucking cake to say you're proud of him. And he called you annoying.

"It's to celebrate being a week sober." You explain, leaning over to try and catch a glimpse of his face.

He squeezes your hand tightly, but can't get any words out.

"A week." He whispers, blinking back tears. Fuck, has it been a week already? It feels like hardly a day has passed.

"Oh, love. C'mere."

Derek lets himself be pulled into your arms. He groans from your touch, melting into the embrace and burying his face in your neck.

God, this is perfect. He's wanted to be held like this for so long, but now that it's finally happening... he can't help but feel guilty.

"I'm such an ass." He mumbles into your neck, lips pressed to your skin.

"Not always." You laugh softly and pull him a little closer.

Too close. He can feel your breasts pressing against him... fuck. Any closer and you might be able to feel what he has tucked away.

"Not always?" Derek scoffs, pulling back just enough to look you in the eyes.

"Is that really the best you've got to make me feel better?"

"What? You want me to lie?"

"Maybe."

He stares into your eyes, heart pounding in his chest as he suddenly realizes just how close you are. It takes everything in him not to lean in and bridge the few inch gap between the two of you.

"You look nice like this."

Derek can feel his face heating up as you cup his face with a hand. Shit, If you don't stop soon he might actually just kiss you.

"Like what?" He asks breathlessly, mesmerized by your touch.

"With a trim." You smile and run your thumb along his his stubble, eyes trailing from his jaw to his lips.

For a second, Derek is sure you're going to kiss him. He tilts his head ever so slightly in anticipation, and his eyes flutter shut.

"So... you want a piece of cake?" You clear your throat, suddenly dropping your arms and breaking the embrace.

Of course you weren't going to kiss him. Derek gives you a half-hearted smile and nods, trying to hide just how crushed he feels.

"Yeah, sure. Cake."

・○・・・・・・○・・・・・・○・・・・・・○・・・・・・○・

"No, love, you're supposed to do the edge pieces first."

You chuckle as Derek angrily fumbles with two puzzle pieces. They quite obviously don't match, but he's trying to force them together anyways.

"Sorry, I wasn't aware puzzles had rules." He scoffs, dramatically tossing the little cardboard chunks across the table.

You'd dragged him out to the porch for a little fresh air, since he insisted he was too tired to make the five minute walk down to the beach.

"Well, they do. The biggest rule is don't throw the puzzle pieces, or you'll lose them." You laugh and continue flipping pieces over so they're facing upwards.

It hasn't been very long since you started the puzzle, and Derek already looks bored.

"Is this supposed to be fun?" He grumbles, helping you flip over pieces with one hand, the other finding it's way to rest on top of yours.

You wonder if he even notices he's doing it again. Touching you like that. You've gotten used to it by now, and usually just let it happen.

"Oh, come on. You gonna let a puzzle get the best of you, Danforth? A child could do this."

Derek makes a face and gestures to the sea of little cardboard scraps scattered across the table.

"A child could do a one thousand piece puzzle?" He scoffs.

"Okay, maybe not..." You laugh and adjust your hand, intertwining your fingers with his.

"But I'm sure you can do it."

Derek's face flushes pink, and you aren't sure whether its from the praise or the way you're so casually holding his hand. Probably both. But so what if you're holding his hand? He's the one who started it.

He just mumbles something under his breath and looks back down at the table, suddenly very motivated to help you pick through the pieces.

His hand doesn't leave yours.

・○・・・・・・○・・・・・・○・・・・・・○・・・・・・○・

Derek wakes up from a deep sleep to the sound of your voice and the feeling of your nails gently scratching his scalp.

He gasps and tries to sit up, but finds he's stuck.

Er, not stuck, just... underneath you?

"Come on, love. You slept through nearly the whole movie." You laugh softly and start to nudge him off your lap.

Derek finally remembers what's going on, and pulls his arm out from under you. Apparently he'd tucked it beneath your knees while he slept, because he sure didn't remember doing it.

"Told you a chick flick would put me to sleep." He mumbles, fumbling to sit up. He finds his other arm is also stuck, wedged in between your waist and the couch.

"Sure made yourself comfortable, huh?" You tease, scooting forward and freeing him.

"Shut up." Derek reluctantly pulls away from you, sitting up and looking at you with a dazed expression. He wipes the drool from the corner of his mouth and groans. That really was a good nap.

"It's just so easy to fall asleep on you." The words come out before he can really think over them, and he freezes in embarrassment. Thankfully, you seem to take it in a different way than he meant it.

"Oh, am I that boring? I put you to sleep?"

"Exactly. I'm yawning already." He teases, letting out an exaggerated yawn that only earns him an elbow to the ribs.

"Hmph. Next time you can fall asleep somewhere else."

"But you're so damn comfortable." He whines, scrambling after you as you make your way upstairs. You can't leave him yet. You just can't.

"Well, your bed is plenty comfortable as well. Go to sleep."

Derek is suddenly struck with a thought, and takes your hand before you can slip away into your room for the night.

"What if..." He starts, placing his other hand on your hip and pulling you a little closer.

"What if I don't want to sleep in my bed tonight?"

You give him an incredulous look, and Derek can hardly believe the words that just came out of his mouth. Fuck, you're going to reject him. He just knows it.

"My bed?" You ask, raising an eyebrow and looking down at the way his hand is gripping your hip.

Derek can hear his heart pounding in his ears. He's being WAY too forward, and probably seems like a creep. Damnit.

"I... I just won't be able to sleep without you. I know it." He stutters, stumbling over his words. It's the truth, though. The only time he's been able to sleep peacefully lately is when he's touching you.

"Derek, love..." You chuckle and start to brush his hands away, taking a step back.

Fuck. He needs to show you how serious he is about this.

"Please? Just for tonight?" He grabs both of your hands, intertwining your fingers with his as he meets your gaze. You said he has puppy-eyes or something, right? Derek does his best to look pitiful.

It's not hard to do. He really does feel pitiful in this moment, begging you so blatantly. He might as well get on his fucking knees.

"Fine." You finally relent, groaning and gently shoving Derek aside as you head into your bedroom.

"But I hope you know I kick in my sleep."

"I don't mind taking that risk."

・○・・・・・・○・・・・・・○・・・・・・○・・・・・・○・

After quickly getting ready for bed, you settle down under the covers while Derek stands awkwardly to the side.

"Well? You gonna join me?" You ask, patting the spot next to you.

God, how did you get roped into this? Him and those damn puppy eyes. He's so hard to say no to.

"Oh, uh, yeah." Derek scrambles to climb into bed beside you. He looks like he's having just as much trouble believing what's happening.

"Sleeping with you wasn't really in my job description, you know. I'm complaining to your mother after this."

"Please don't." He groans, squirming and getting comfortable under the shared blanket. He keeps his distance, seeming content just to be in the same bed as you.

"You gonna sleep in that?" You lift the blanket to peek at his outfit, a simple t-shirt and sweatpants.

"Yeah? What's wrong with it?" He pouts and tugs the blanket back down, acting self-conscious.

"Nothing, just... You aren't going to be hot?"

"Are you trying to get me to take my pants off, sweetheart?"

"God, no. I've seen enough of that."

Your teasing clearly gets to him, because he rolls over to face away from you, grumbling. You swear his ears are a little pink. Is he blushing?

"Oh, love. I'm just messing with you." You scoot a little closer to him, and put a hand on his waist.

"I know." He whispers, breath hitched.

"Is it okay if I do this?"

He groans when you get even closer, spooning him from behind. Your arm wraps around his waist and you press your entire body against his.

"M-maybe I will get hot..." He mumbles, but makes no effort to push you away. Instead, he completely melts under your touch, relaxing against the pillow.

"Keep your pants on, Danforth."

"Yes ma'am."

・○・・・・・・○・・・・・・○・・・・・・○・・・・・・○・

Derek has been in bed with you for what feels like hours, (though really only around half of one), and he still can't believe what's happening.

Your arm is around his waist, holding him tight while the rest of your body is pressed up against him. He can feel your breasts pressing into his back, and your lips on his neck.

He almost wishes you'd kiss him, but that would probably send him over the edge.

And God, is he dangerously close to the edge right now.

His heart is pounding, heartbeat in synch with the throbbing in his pants. He's been hard ever since you cuddled up to him, but no way in hell is he going to ask you to stop. Not ever. Even if it kills him.

Scratch that. It is going to kill him. Derek can't help but let out a whimper as his dick twitches in his sweatpants.

Fuck. Your hand is right there, on his stomach. If you'd just slide it down a little...

"What's wrong?" You mumble, giving him a tight squeeze and nuzzling against the back of his neck.

"O-oh. Just... headache... Don't feel good..."

He feels like a total prick for lying to you, but what is he supposed to say? Yeah, totally fine, just horny as fuck? He'd rather die.

"Aww... I've got you, love."

Derek's breath hitches as you throw your leg over him. He can feel your thigh pressed up against his side, and the way you squeeze him feels heavenly.

He whimpers again, and starts to squirm slightly in your grasp. Fuck, if you keep this up he's not going to be able to control himself.

You continue to gently squeeze, rub, and cuddle him, whispering words of comfort with your lips pressed against the back of his neck. He can feel your hot breath on him, your breasts against his back, your hand on his stomach, your leg wrapped around his...

He can feel everything. And it's driving him insane.

Okay, okay, fuck. He can fix this. He just needs a quick release. That's all.

Derek starts to form a plan in his head, fueled by desperation and lust. Once he's mostly sure you're asleep, he slips his hand down into his boxers.

Biting back a moan, he slowly starts to jerk himself off. Painfully slow. He can't risk waking you up.

It's so fucking hard to not go faster, or move, or make a sound. Fuck, it's just so hard. Period.

He didn't really think this through, huh? Asking to sleep in your bed. Next time he'll jerk off first. If there is a next time. Damnit. If you catch him like this, you'll never speak to him again. He's sure.

Trembling, he accidentally lets a small whine slip out. Even with the absolute minimum amount of stimulation, he's close to finishing.

"Hnngh... Derek? You okay?"

Fuck. You're awake.

"Huh? Yeah, just... nightmare..." He chokes the words out, hand still wrapped around his cock as he slowly milks out a steady trickle of precum.

"It's okay." You whisper, holding him even tighter. "I'm right here."

Yeah, and that's the his damn problem. Your words and touch send him spiraling over the edge, and he bites his lip with nearly enough force to draw blood as he comes in his sweatpants.

It's not the most satisfying orgasm, seeing as he could barely touch it... but it still feels so much better than being that fucking horny with no release.

"Thank you..." Derek groans, praying that you don't ever discover the double meaning behind his words.

He had originally planned to sneak away and clean himself up, but with the way you're clinging to him...

Fuck. Guess he's sleeping in wet sweatpants.

─────────────────── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ────────────────────

Author's note: Oh my goddd, sorry for such a long wait on this chapter!!! I've been wanting to write this scene FOREVER, but I also wanted to get it right!!

I love putting Derek in uncomfortable situations. Not sorry.

Also its crazy to me that I've written 16 thousand words of fanfic for a character that had 20 minutes of screen time and then fucking DIED 💀

Anyways... expect the next chapter in 2-3 days. Thanks for all the love and support!!!

Part 6

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for not texting my friend?

To be clear I have no intention of cutting off this person, I will not block or ghost them, and if they text me I WILL answer and not be dry or lame about it.

I just won't be the one to start any conversations.

Moving on:

The story is super complicated but I'll try to keep it coherent.

Three people in the story (fake names):

Me (20)

Alex (16) - friend

Luck (16) - younger sibling We are all the same gender.

Something to keep in mind about me: I have always been very sheltered, naive and distracted, people have told me so and the more I learn the more I realize how ignorant I am. So I have very little experience, perception and knowledge of worldly things. This makes it difficult for me to keep up with people my age and I spend most of my focus on stories I like to write. It's not an excuse for anything and I'm actively working to be better.

Something that doesn't contribute much to the story but may be nice to know: Pretty much everything happens online, I've only met Alex in person like 4 times for birthday parties and stuff.

Now the story: I met Alex three years ago during covid when I was doing school online (I was 17 and Alex and Luck were 13). I was introduced to Alex through my younger sibling. Luck added me to a group chat with a bunch of their classmates, and I got popular really fast. Alex took a particular liking to me, because they thought i was funny and we had many of the same hobbies. So Alex was the first of Luck's friends to start a chat with me directly. Alex was always online and so was I, so we ended up talking alot, like all the time. I noticed Luck got kind of jealous, and that was when I began to wonder if the friendship was right, but I did nothing about it.

Eventually Alex and I started writing a story together, it's something I try to do with all of my close friends and we got really into it. A big rule that I have is that the real world and fiction are separate, under no circumstances are they to entertwine, especially emotionally (ex. I have never and will never insert myself in a story or daydream, not even if reality sucks for me at that time) Alex was different, they got attached to the characters. So there I am, obsessed with progressing the story's plot, and I kill off one of my characters. Alex expresses discontent, but not much. It's through Luck that I find out later that Alex had been crying about it for days. I felt bad and brought the character back, and life went on.

A year and a half into our friendship and Luck seems to have gotten over her jealousy, while Alex and I spend more time writing and focusing on the story than anything else. There are some signs in the rare times that Alex and I talk about life that it become apparent that Alex is going through a rough time, but I don't think too much about it since the story is all that's on my mind. On top of this there's school and whatever.

One day Alex starts asking for breaks from story writing and plotting, and I agree without a fuss. It gets me thinking a bit more, and after a couple more days during a conversation about the real world Alex sends a long paragraph about how horrible things are. (I won't explain what exactly these horrible things were for privacy reasons) Now I realize how inconsiderate I've been so far and I tell Alex that I'm there to support them in whatever they need. I spend pretty much all of the next year texting them every hour of every day and this is what happens:

At the beginning of our friendship our conversations flowed wonderfully, we shared our achievements and showed genuine interest in each other's lives. But things changed and by this point In the story our conversations go like so:

Me: (asks a question) Alex: (responds) Me: (reacts to response) Alex: (dry response) -Repeat infinitely-

Aside from that we would always say goodnight and Goodmorning to each other.

One time. Only one. Alex texted me asking for help and I didn't see the message until hours later. I never really forgave myself for that.

At this point I'm 19 and Alex is 15, and it suddenly crosses my mind how our friendship might be perceived by others. I considered Alex another younger sibling, but with all the crazy things happening in the world I wondered what others would think. In the end I concluded that Alex needed me and it didn't matter. So life goes on. My entire life revolves around helping Alex, when I'm not texting them I am worrying, my own problems come second. My whole family thinks I'm addicted to my phone. I'm always tired and stressed. The stories were put on pause.

Time passes and soon I'm turning twenty. I'm starting to think I can't do it anymore, our friendship has turned kind of codependent (I didn't even know what that was until a month ago). I consider ghosting many times, changing my number, blocking, but only for a couple minutes at a time and I always hate myself for thinking it afterwards. I keep talking to Alex, but sometimes I'll answer a bit slower. Let them wait 3-5 minutes instead of 1-2, if I really steel myself I can hold back for 7 minutes.

One day without warning Alex doesn't text me at all. They've dissapeared before but never without sending a quick message to let me know about it, not until this day. Their status also worries me, only one word: "gone". There I am internally freaking out, losing it, trying to come up with reasons for which everything is fine. I don't ask Luck if they know anything because I know they'll get annoyed. It's not until late the next day that Alex lets me know they went a roadtrip. I tell them "I was worried lol" and immediately they ask why. I wasn't expecting an apology but the question struck me as weird, so I was reluctant to answer. Alex pushes for an answer, they haven't been this interested in what I've had to say for years. I with horror I realize that they liked that i was worried, they wanted to milk it as much as they could. I understand that people need validation, but I was already constantly complementing Alex and telling them how important they were. The fact that they preferred my panic (though in Alex's defense I never told them I was panicking) hit me hard. I didn't elaborate on why I was worried. Alex got upset. And i spent the next hour sobbing over my phone, realizing i needed some distance.

I started slow. I wouldn't say goodnight somedays, others I would forgo a Goodmorning, but I always answered (I swore to myself never to leave Alex on read). I went on a trip and I decided I would enjoy it for once, so I let Alex know i couldn't text much. Nevertheless this lack of contact didn't keep me from worrying and wondering endlessly.

After the trip we kept texting less, we expressed missing each other but neither of us did too much to keep things going. I tried to focus on my in-person relationships, and friendships with people my age. I went back to stories and published a novella.

Nowadays Alex and I talk maybe once every week and a half. The conversations are excruciating. Alex tells me how things still suck, my usual words of comfort seem to mean nothing to either of us anymore. Alex leaves me on read as soon as the conversation goes dry, usually after ten minutes worth of conversation, sometimes over the span of many hours. We don't talk again until I cave in and say hello. Then a couple days later Alex says hello. And then it's up to me again, and every time I tell myself I won't do it.

Luck has told me their opinion of Alex, they saw way before I did how self-centered Alex is. The thing is Alex doesn't do it on purpose, I am entirely sure of that and so is Luck. Luck treats Alex nicely but they're out of touch, more than I am. I am not mad at Alex. I still care deeply for them, but I feel like there's nothing I can do andour old dynamic just hurts both of us. Cutting them off is not an option, they're just a kid and I'm better than that. So I just don't start a conversation.

A couple days ago Alex texted me (even though it was my unspoken turn to text first) and we talked, and the conversation wasn't dry at all, and it wasn't that painful to deal with. They showed interest in my life and shared some sad stuff but also happy stuff about theirs, and it felt like old times. We texted the entire day. At one point the they mentioned that I could text them whenever I wanted, and I felt an underlying petition that I do. The conversation went on and eventually they left me on read the next morning when I answered a message from the night before.

Ever since then I've been actively holding back from texting them but I can't help but wonder if I'm a jerk for it.

These aren't even all the factors but this post has gotten too long lol.

So AITA?

[kigozula]

As Long As We're Together - Sokkla Saturdays 2024

Day 4

FF.net & AO3

“I’m home now. In my room actually. I love you my beautiful princess.”

Azula smiled when she saw Hawky land on her windowsill. She rushed to the window, opened the scroll, and hastily read her lover's letters.

Sokka had left half an hour ago after a long day. As always, he wrote her.

Azula's smile widened when she was done reading his message. She was sitting comfortably on her chair, her sleeping robe on, with a candle on her desk.

"Glad you are. I was almost worried you'd get distracted by handbags or food. I love you, my handsome warrior."

Sokka had his hair down and his sleeping pants on, sprawled out on his bed, needing a quick breather.

He wasn't completely sure if his lover was up to writing since she was tired. Upon hearing Hawky on his balcony he jumped out of the bed with a huge foolish smile.

Like Azula, he went to his desk. Shaking his head, he chuckled at her message.

"Very funny princess. I have something to snack right now though. Did you eat something? Have you already tucked in bed with you fascinating sleeping robe on and ponytail that gives breathtaking view to your pretty neck?"

He loved teasing her, of course mixed with the truth in his words. Imagining her smile and blush while reading his flirty message surely made him satisfied.

Azula indeed blushed. She was tired but Sokka made her forget about that easily.

"You dirty-minded warrior. Indeed, I am exactly like you imagined. Unless deep down you imagined something else? Knowing you, you did. Do you have your hair down and are ... shirtless? I am drinking some chamomile tea."

"Are you sure  the dirty-mined here is me princess? Yes, I am so very shirtless, but your skin is missing on it. Good, the tea will help you sleep comfortably I hope. Wished I could hold you all through the night while stroking your hair."

This time, Azula smiled differently. Her heart clenched.

"Me too. But soon it will happen. I'd rather be in your strong arms right now too. I love you so much Sokka!"

Sokka too, got emotional now.

"I love you indescribably much you know that right? I know, soon I'll never ever let you go. No matter where you go!"

Sipping from her tea, Azula wrote back.

"I like the sound of that. Can't wait to have you around for good. Good night my warrior."

She knew, Sokka would always send the last message, the gentleman he is. Both of them kept some of their letters in their rooms, to read them sometimes, and feel comfort in their memories. Azula kept more of them, since Sokka insisted to write the last one.

"Good night Azula. I kiss and hug you my love."

"Did you actually kiss the letter? Well, I'll give you a good night gift and kiss the letter back now."

"Of course I did! Your fingers touched this letter which makes it precious! I love you Azula, see you tomorrow."

They went to bed with comfort inside their chests. Hoping to meet in sweet dreams until they could see each other again tomorrow.

[kyurilin]

2: Do you plan each chapter ahead or write as you go?

26: Which of your fics would you call your wildest ride?

2. Do you plan each chapter ahead or write as you go?

There is a severe lack of planning in my fanfic writing with the exception of the Shabby AU ideas and mostly since I don't write in chapters UNLESS I decide to post it early to gain interest (ie Stray and Love Is Just Like That, Sometimes) I really don't even know where chapters are gonna end. Mic's BS Life is FAMOUS for not having been planned at all with exception for the ending, while Crumbled Rooftops actually has an outline. Stray is MOSTLY unplanned and was a Follow The Vibes type thing with some talking it over with Shabby to nail down plot points I wanted to get down. Ironically the lack of planning is why stray chapter 3 has hardly gone anywhere as of yet but I also like not planning so that I can follow the vibes and figure out if something works naturally or not as opposed to stressing over how something SHOULD be going (crumbled rooftops chapter 5 suffered from this strongly since I knew what I wanted to do but several iterations didn't feel right).

26. Which of your fics would you call your wildest ride?

I gotta say Present Mic's Totally Bullshit Life in EVERY sense of the word wild. It started from Aizawa's POV but I wasn't used to writing him yet and switched it to Mic's. Then that vibed so well that almost 4 years ago TO THE DAY I knocked out every bit of the beginning up until Mic and Aizawa meet up again for the first time in years in the span of a few hours. By January/February of 2021 I had until the AWARDS CEREMONY done (and that's about 48k into the story!). This story was not intended to be posted- I was solely writing it for myself as a fun little thing because I'd fallen really hard into MHA and wanted to write it. Stray and a villain au for an OC from Mic's BS Life were started between the time I started this and when I hit the 48k mark. I wasn't interacting with the fandom at all at this point beyond obsessively reading erasermic fic, so my first real foray into interacting with anyone was to join an erasermic discord. Met @purekesseltrash, told them I loved their Rooftop Necromancy fics, formed a friendship, revealed my still in progress story and Bellsa convinced me I HAD to finish it and post it.

It took me till May to finish it (had to cut a smut scene because I wasn't comfortable posting it as is), figured out how to end it, then knocked out the HAPPIEST ending the week my great aunt iris passed because I needed something to distract me (Aunt iris was one of the most iconic people in my life and I looked up to her very much so writing my silly fanfic was a very welcome distraction). Almost posted the story from a McDonald's drive thru.

Even more wild is that this fic STILL gets comments and kudos. I literally just got a new comment yesterday. So many comments have told me that they stayed up all night reading it. @shabby-blog was commisioned by Bellsa to do fanart for it and now me and shabby are buddies because of that. I've been writing since I was 13 but not until I posted this story did I have a story that was a real 'hit'. And LITERALLY all because after consuming all of Vigilantes and as much erasermic fanfic as I could read and the entire anime and manga at the time in 2021 I looked at Mic and Aizawa's friendship and went "okay but what about the two of them healing from the loss of Oboro together and actually showing how it affected them and their friendship".

I owe it nearly entirely to the single panel in vigilantes where Mic tells midnight to call him Mic instead of his name, and now here I am 4 years later (3 and a half since posting) still hearing from people that they love how I wrote the characters growing over the course of the story and that it means a lot to them. Which is something I never expected to see in a comment on a fic I wrote.

[idiosyncreant]

Hey. I'm Bethany.

I feel like it's crazy that I've had a Tumblr since 2011. I'm both the same and so different. I wanted to reintroduce myself!

And I'd LOVE to have other folks do the same? So I'll structure all nice like a meme/ask game/questionnaire. Mutuals, don't let me embarrass myself!

1: First Post

My first post was on July 30th, 2011. It was a Spy Myung Wol kdrama post featuring Eric Mun. Neither fascination ended well. Somehow negging Lee Min Ho was involved???

2: Why I Joined Tumblr

I started a Wordpress blog about K-drama style, Suit Distraction, and my second post on July 31st was a link to one of those posts. This blog only spanned 2011, but I ran a Tumblr sideblog suitdistracted (now @libraryofstyle ) from about 2011-2015. It was my most successful online venture by far!

Tumblr itself stuck because I have been able to follow my interests more fluidly and stick with my mutuals, some from other platforms of the past.

3: Then vs. Now

In 2011 I was stuck in not-for-me Oklahoma, watching Korean dramas partly as a way to explore more of the world. I was between jobs, (some hours at my brother's then-job) working on my career as a writer with a lot of moral support but little visible success. It had been 4 years since I went to a big-deal writing workshop, and I'd published a few poems but almost by accident.

Now, I live in home-to-me Western Mass., work in a bookstore while still trying to start a writing career, but in the meantime got a degree at a Historically Women's College, and had a lot of eye-openings.

I'm still a follower of Jesus's teachings, but find it really easy to see how little those have to do with the Evangelical Right I was raised in. I thought a lot of this was obvious, but some of the questioners I knew then that have gotten the impression that God is really invested in America as his nation???**

I also have figured out I'm not just a Third-Culture-Kid or Geeky Artist, I am autistic. So. That makes sense.

4: Fandom Drift?

I watched a LOT of dramas in a season of my life when I was working on yarn for an Etsy shop of handspun, and filling my days around writing with house-keeping and projects.

It's not that I don't appreciate dramas but that I kind of caught up to being a discerning viewer around the same time access got a little trickier and my needs for media changed. I stream Critical Role while doing chores, because it's less visual. I don't sit at my spinning wheel for hours the last several years.

But I still thing Healer is the best thing I've ever seen in TV for *me personally*. I still think Gong Yoo is a wicked hottie. And I love that connecting with people about k-drama at a time when it was still a fresh wave in the West meant getting to be part of an upcoming fan culture in a way I hadn't before!

5: Side-blog/Name Confessional

I originated this blog with this username, which is kind of wild to me. I mean, 14 years ago I was 25, and while it feels quite some time ago it also feels like a fresh new handle. I like it, and I have used it to try and reset my LJ and set up a Dreamwidth. (Neither initiative stuck.)

I have, other than "suitdistracted" started 5 sideblogs. I should delete a few. One was from my coaching phase. (I am grateful for everything I got from the coaching training, including the impetus to go to college, but I also have been deconstructing THAT while listening to Maintenance Phase, an excellent podcast).

One was very recent, to anonymously post stuff about losing my parents. I also didn't post a ton there but it was a pressure valve for some hard moments in a weird phase of grief.

The fanfic one and the fiber arts one are pretty openly crossposted, haha. I stopped siloing the fiber arts one for the most part.

6: What's Next?

I wish I had the guts/energy to do something really wild and multimedium after watching Strange Aeons videos about Tumblr performance blogs but I have tried to at least post a bit more about my fandom takes.

I was so anxious early in my social media life that I feel like I have to be super-intentional about curating and this is the easiest place ot resist that. I like that this is accidentally totally not part of the ecosystem of "me as writer" that the other accounts are.

We'll see!

1: First Post

What does your /archive show?

2: Why I Joined Tumblr

How did you end up on here? What were you posting?

3: Then vs. Now

Where were you when you started? And now?

4: Fandom Drift?

Did you have a major fandom starting on Tumblr? Have you had major phases?

5: Side-blog/Name Confessional

Have you started a bunch of sideblogs? What topics did you try to prune from your main? Have you changed your username?

6: What's Next?

Anything you intend to do differently with your blog here, or things you're doing elsewhere?

[hasanthehung]

The Meeting

It was late.

My eyes strained at the computer screen after the word-count completed. 70,000 words. "Only 50,000 more to go" I sighed. I removed my glasses, stretched my now permanently arched back and raised my hands above my head, letting them fall limp by my side, before standing up for the first time in hours.

I was in my final years of a Political Science PHD at Princeton. It was tough going - you just had to take a glance at my tiny apartment, the curtains constantly drawn to limit the presence of the outside world, the stacks of books and piles of paper strewn on any available surface and the boxes of take-out tentatively placed in the kitchen sink to guess.

Writing this damned thesis was just the tip of the iceberg. As a PHD candidate I had lectures to give, as well as being an advisor to 3 undergrads who were more interested in extra-curriculars than in anything the oppressed PHD students could offer them. I couldn't blame them -Christ, I had BEEN them just a few years ago. Those long-gone days of waking up with a constant hangover, arriving late to lectures and usually sleeping through them had been the key to the student bodies morale, after all.

I checked my phone. 4:35 AM. Shit.

I had a meeting at 9 AM with a new undergrad I would be advising, but wasn't too bothered about it. Knowing how these advisory sessions usually went, this student would turn up late and only because they had to, with nothing prepared and probably concealing a hangover.

I needed to sleep. Like, now.

The phone buzzed. 8:45 AM. Shit.

I leapt out of bed, quickly showered and dressed in my usual fit; an oversized black hoodie, baggy jeans and baseball cap - The hood pulled up over the cap to hide my identity from the faculty or any other passers by that would - for the billionth time - ask with the best of intentions, "How's the PHD going?"- That dreaded question again.

I jumped on my bike and landed outside the PolSci building late. I ran up the steps, through the corridor and swung the door open to find, with true astonishment, the student actually sitting patiently at my desk, his head bent, scrolling on his phone.

"Hi, sorry I'm late"

"Oh hey, uh," He stood up and turned towards me, quickly parking his phone in his back pocket.

"No problem, uh, I'm Hasan, nice to meet you"

I was immediately worried.

Why? Because this guy was so freakin hot. He was tall enough to play for the NBA, broad enough to play for the NFA and the way he played with his short dark hair nervously as he waited for my response was adorable.

I didn't need any more distraction in my life. I had 2 years to finish this PHD, for Christs' sake.

It took a moment for me to come to my senses. I pulled my rucksack from my shoulder and approached him, offering my hand.

Those eyes.

"Intense" was the word I'd landed on. Dark and brooding.

And on closer inspection, he was much older than the usual undergrads were- He looked like he was my age- in his 30's, at least.

"Hey Hasan, I'm your advisor. I haven't seen you around, you've just arrived at Princeton?"

"Uh, yea uhm...I've got a degree in Political Science and was hoping to do a PHD here, I was told you could help me get the lay of the land?"

"Oh, of course!"

I obviously hadn't prepped for this meeting at all, as I never do- the students usually don't give a crap.

Much later on, I'd check my emails to realise this meeting was supposed to be an overview of the PolSci faculty, a de-briefing of what to expect as a candidate, and that this potential student was one of the top political commentators in the U.S.

This was all news to me. Especially the part were the man standing in front of me was famous and a major player in shaping the minds of millions politically.

PHD students are known to be "out of the loop" in general. We're too busy to keep up with the culture. But man, did it ever make sense.

This guy was made for the worlds eyes to look at him, and as he continued to speak, with his precise and deliberate choice of words, not to mention his deep beautiful voice, was made for millions to listen to.

Realising that this wasn't the usual boring check-in with an undergrad, I began;

"Well, in that case, lets get out of here. I'll take you on a tour of the campus and I know a great place for coffee that's empty around now, and to be honest, I need one. That cool?"

"Uh..totally, thanks"

After playing tour guide for less that 15 minutes, it became clear that this wasn't the usual prospective PHD student. Every undergrad that passed by took a double take, their eyes widening in disbelief and I could hear them whisper his name to eachother;

"Hasan! it's HasanAbi!"

"No, it not!"

"Dude, it freaking IS Hasan!!"

Hasan noticed this, too. He pulled a cap out of his back pocket and fished a pair of sunglasses out of his boldly coloured shirt pocket, pulling the collar up over his chiselled jaw and bending his head low. Not that it helped much - he towered above everyone in the vicinity.

"Wow, people seem to know you. Are you famous or something?" I asked.

"You could say that, I guess. In certain circles."

He shifted his feet uncomfortably and spent a little too long fixing the position of his cap over his dark locks. I knew not to press further. He obviously didn't want to get into the details just then.

"... Do you want to get out of here?"

"That would be great, thank you"

"Well there's my place, It's just up ahead, if you don't mind the mess? You'll get an honest idea of what your life will look like if you choose to take on a PHD, at least."

He smiled and lifted his head a little, relaxing. "I spend a lot of my time inside as it is, it'll feel just like home" He said.

We arrived at the run-down apartment block and as I fumbled with my keys, I could feel him standing behind me, waiting for some privacy. There was a heat... An electricity that seemed to buzz between him and I...Or was I just imagining it?

He switched position to lean his broad shoulders against the wall beside me as he waited, he seemed to be checking me out, cocking his head to the side and tipping his sunglasses down a little, watching me with a smirk on his face.

"Here, let me take your bag for you" He offered.

He moved closer to me, gently touching my arm as he took the strap of my rucksack and swung it effortlessly over his shoulder.

Was it me, or did his large warm hand linger a little too long on my body? I could feel my arm tingle as if my body knew before I did that something magical was happening.

He didn't move away. He stood behind me again, one hand holding the strap of the rucksack on his shoulder, the other hand reaching over my shoulder and landing on the wall in front of me, supporting himself. His breath touched the back of my neck, making me shiver. I imagined in that moment him enveloping me between those strong shoulders, feeling his breath all over my body.

The door opened and we entered. I was trembling. Trembling because of what had just happened, and also in anticipation of what could happen.

Now it was my turn to feel nervous. I didn't know who this guy was, but he was obviously famous, he probably owned some giant mansion somewhere in a tax haven, and now he had to sit in my little shitty studio apartment.

I mumbled something like "eh..just move those papers and take a seat, drop them anywhere."

The apartment was dark - as usual I had neglected to open the curtains. I quickly turned on the two lamps I possessed, then moved to the window and began to open them, suddenly his hand landed on top of mine and he said "I prefer it dark."

I couldn't speak, let alone turn around. His hand lingered on mine, then slowly moved downwards to my wrist. He grasped my wrist and swung me around to face him. Our eyes locked. Those intense, dark, brooding eyes. He smiled, then let my wrist go and bent his head, stepping away, embarrassed.

He began to move around my apartment, taking it in in the dim light cast by the lamps. He took off his cap and tousled his hair, his gaze landing on the many political posters I had precariously plastered on every available wall - all of my heroes were represented - Chomsky, Finkelstein, Reich, along with my favourite slogans "Tax the Rich" and "Capitalism is Voluntary".

He laughed.

"Your a Socialist?"

I didn't know how to take this. He was obviously famous, so obviously rich. If he was a political scientist, his views probably landed more to the right, I assumed. Most likely a talking head on Fox News and a Trumpian, at that.

"So what if I am?" I affronted.

All at once, his demeanor changed. He looked at me from across the room, a desire in his dark eyes that startled me. He began to peruse the many piles of books that scattered the floor of the apartment. He picked one up then sat down on the couch, thumbing through the heavily ear-marked and highlighted pages.

"Michael Albert is a hero of mine..." He was holding Parecon, my most cherished text.

I didn't think I could be more surprised by this man.

"You've read it? It's not on any degree-level reading list I know of..."

He lifted his arm and rested it on the back of the couch, tilted his head to the side, biting his lower lip. He moved his eyes from mine, to my mouth, to the curves and edges of my body, and didn't say a word.

I had never felt more vulnerable in my life.

He looked shy all of a sudden. He let my copy of Parecon fall to the seat, stood up and moved towards me.

"I...I'm a socialist too." He whispered. His voice had such an effect on me. It lulled me into a state of total desire.

He stood in front of me, his eyes filled with dark passion, but seemed unsure of himself.

"I...I'm a little..." He muddled, but never finished. His shoulders slumped, he looked away for a moment, his head lowered, defeated. Then, in a moment of hope, perhaps, looked into my eyes again, through the mass of black hair that had fallen over them.

I moved closer to him. The heat wasn't imagined.

His breath grew heavy. He pulled me into his arms, he bent his head and devoured by neck, ripping open my hoodie. I felt his hands moving down my back, edging me closer to him. I folded my arms around his neck after working my hands through his dark locks, our mouths saying everything we couldn't.

It happened right there on the floor, in between the piles of books in the dim lamp light, with Chomsky, Finkelstein and Reich watching over us.

Later, when he had left, I opened my laptop. I typed his name gingerly into the search engine. Maybe he made it all up to get an easy lay. Maybe he was another centrist cog in the machine. Who reads Parecon these days, anyway?

Maybe he had been lying.

He hadn't.

[dumbass-tumbler-cryptid]

Can you write a short story of Spider and Quaritch play wrestling?

sure! I really liked this idea from @naavispider of human Quaritch winning the war and raising Spider so I wanted to base this in that au. In my head the war ended in a soft victory for the R.D.A. Quaritch and Jake's fight ended in a stalemate with both sustaining heavy injuries. Jake's been underground ever since quietly rallying the other clans and preparing for war. The R.D.A on the other hand have been making moves for all out colonization. Of course they're building Bridgehead but also when Spider was around 4 they started incentivizing their workers to have kids to start building the next generation (and make more workers and soldiers for the R.D.A) Anyone who had kids was promised permanent residence on Pandora plus the choice to bring one family member to live on Pandora for each child they have. So there's a huge baby boom as people rush to try and save all their loved one from their dying planet.

All these kids grow up together in a daycare and eventually a school ran by some of the nurses so they're all really close. Since the nurses provide 24 hour child care a good chunk of people who had kids just to save their loved ones but never wanted to be parents just leave their kids there and barely ever have to see them.

Spider is the odd one out in all of this since he's significantly older than them. Paz still died in the war, so Quaritch was left as a single dad. He got really good at balancing work and fatherhood. He pretty much had his son with him all the time keeping him distracted with toys and such while he went about his work. he got so used to this by the time of the baby boom that he just kept doing what he was doing until Spider started kindergarten.

Also Spider is still called Spider in this au because his mom used to call him her little spider monkey to the point where is became the name he responded to. After she died Quaritch tried to get him to go by his "real" name but it just never happened. He'd only respond to Spider and so it became his nickname. it fit him better anyway.

Spider used to be his father's little soldier dutifully going about every combat lesson his dad would coach him through. Also he was still taught to speak Na'vi because everyone agreed it'd be a good skill for all the kids to know. The language was Spider's gateway into exploring more about the Na'vi. Now that he's 16 he's starting to see the cruelty of what the R.D.A is doing. He acts out a lot and causes as much trouble as possible.

Quaritch use to try punishing him for it but it never did any good. he's come to the mindset of President Theodor Roosevelt with his daughter "  “I can do one of two things. I can be President of the United States or I can control Alice." Quaritch is choosing to run Bridgehead and just leaves Spider to do what he wants more or less.

Anyway that was a long explanation for a one shot. So here you go enjoy!

*****************************************************************

  Quaritch walked into his apartment exhausted after a long day. Nothing but meeting after meeting, the C.E.O’s of the R.D.A always on his ass about something. Years ago it was that unobtanium wasn’t being mined in large enough quantities. Now it was that Bridgehead wasn’t being built fast enough. As if he controlled the speed of the builder drones. Take it up with your programmers, he had wanted to yell. But he held his tongue and took it. 

     “Spider, you here son,” he called out. No response. The teen must have been off somewhere causing trouble. Quaritch shrugged it off and went to cook dinner. Somebody would darken his doorstep soon enough with his wild child in tow. The father didn’t understand it. One day his son was the perfect, obedient little soldier. The next he was more untamable than the natives. He chalked it up to simple teenage rebellion and prayed to any god that would take him that it would go away soon. 

      “What’s for dinner?”

       “Holy shit,” Quaritch startled, fumbling his spatula into the chicken he was cooking, “where did y’a come from!”

      “Ah, my room,” Spider said, pulling his headphones down to hang around his neck.

      “Why didn’t y’a answer when I called y’a then?”

       The teen shrugged, “didn’t hear y’a.”

        Quaritch groaned in frustration, “where y’a at least doin’ your homework in there. Or anything productive at all?”

         “Does watchin’ porn count,” Spider couldn’t even say it with a straight face. Quaritch rolled his eyes. With all the restrictions the father had put on his son’s devices the boy wouldn’t be able to access anything like that even if he was a skilled hacker.

         “So your homeworks not done.”

         Spider waved him off, “I’ll do it after dinner. Promise.”

         “I’mma hold y’a to that.”

          It was Spider’s turn to roll his eyes, “Jesus dad I know.” Spider hung out in the kitchen, watching his father cook, waiting impatiently to be fed. “So how was your day,” he asked just to fill the silence. 

         “Boring. Nothin’ but meetings. I’m wishin’ the natives will try attackin’  just so I can have somethin’ to do.” Spider seemed slightly uncomfortable at that. His kid was too kind for his own good. No matter the lessons the father had tried to instill in his son, Spider always retained sympathy for the Na’vi savages. “Anyway it was borin’. How was your day?” Spider shrugged in response.“I’d like a…”

         “Verbal answer, yeah I know.” Quaritch would have scolded him for the back talk if his boy didn’t look so dejected.

         “What’s eatin’ y’a,” he asked as he plaited their dinner. His son just shrugged again. “Fine. Don’t talk then.” Quaritch was not satisfied to leave it at that. As his son moved to sit at their kitchen table Quaritch snuck up behind him snatching him up around his waist.

         “Dad!” Spider yelped in surprise.

         “Come on now tell me what’s wrong. I can’t help y’a if y’a don’t talk about it.”

          “There’s nothin’ to talk about,” Spider huffed as he struggled to free himself from his father’s hold.

          “I don’t buy that,” Quaritch marched them both into the living. “Are y’a mad at me for somethin’?”

         “What would I have to be mad about?” Spider grunted as he thrashed in his dad’s hold. 

          “I don’t know. You're a teenager. Y’a always seem mad about somethin’.” Spider found his opening, expertly twisting out of Quaritch’s arm. The father grinned, quickly tackling his son onto the soft carpeted floor. “Is there a girl?”

         Spider scoffed as he fought to win this unexpected wrestling match, “there’d have to be girls my age for there to be a girl.”

        “Is that what this is about?” Quaritch pinned Spider by his shoulders.

         The boy stilled. “Kinda. It’s…lonely being the oldest kid on base. Every day I see all the groups of younger kids, talkin’, and jokin’ around. And it looks like fun. Seein’ them though….just kinda makes me sad that I don’t have anyone my own age to be friends with.”

          Quaritch sighed. This wasn’t a new conversation by a long shot. Spider interacted with the other kids often enough but he was more of a big brother figure then a friend to them. His son could talk and joke with adults like he was one of them but the fact still remained that Spider was just a kid. Plus every adult in his life were like his aunts and uncles. They’d helped to raise him. Neither party could ever look past that. Until more cadets Spider’s age rotated to Pandora, his boy would alway be the odd one out. “I’m sorry son. I wish there was somethin’ I could do for y’a.”

         Spider shrugged, “is what it is.”

         “How can I cheer y’a up?” The teen shrugged. Quaritch groaned then began to playfully jab at his son’s sides. Spider laughed trying and failing to wiggle away.

         “Dad, stop,” Spider shrieked through his laughter. His father ignored his plees continuing his relentless assault on his sides. “Alright, alright, I give up!” Quaritch stopped giving his son a moment to catch his breath. He moved off of Spider and helped his boy to sit up. Spider took a deep breath then said, “can we just like- watch a movie together tonight or somethin’? You’ve been so busy lately, since Bridgehead started construction that….we really haven’t spent time together.”

         Quaritch felt his heart melt. He patted Spider’s shoulder, a soft smile on his face. “Nothin’ would make me happier son.” 

[annah-kitathryne]

I was tagged by: @songbee-art (it won't let me tag just songbee)

1. Are you named after anyone? My first name is an old book character, and my second name is a derivative of my grandmother's name. My screen name is one I made up, and have started preferring to my legal name.

2. When was the last time I cried? Nearly cried when I had a freak out realizing I forgot to follow back friend. Before that a couple hours ago when deep topic hit deep.

3. Do I have kids? No. Don't want them either. I'm good at babysitting and watching kids for a few hours but get distracted and frustrated easily. I don't trust myself with them. Kids seem to like me though. I've been told I tell good stories and am patient when explaining things to them. I treat them like full humans?

4. What sports do you play/have you played? I played volleyball, did cross country running, softball, and skiing. Real jock here (not really there was nothing to do but sports where I used to live). Haven't played any since 2020 though. I use a bike though sometimes.

5. Do you use sarcasm? Never. I don't have a sarcastic bone in my body.

6. What's the first thing you notice about someone? How close they are in relation to me. I don't like anyone I don't know to be near me. Next thing is clothes.

7. Eye color? Blue and yellow (not two different eyes but mixed in both)

8. Scary movies or happy endings? Depends on mood, but a scary movie can have a happy ending. It's a chore to get to sit long enough to watch a movie though.

9. Any talents? I've been told I have some good writing skills. I can draw? I can analyze stuff? Idk.

10. Where were you born? In a hospital? Why, you need a recommendation? I live on the west coast.

11. Hobbies? Reading, writing, drawing, thinking, overthinking.

12. Any pets? I have a cat named Lilliana. We call her Lily Bones sometimes.

13. Height? Taller than average but shortest in my family.

14. Favourite school subject? Writing followed by history.

15. Dream job? Getting hired by DC, writing 6 issue solo serieses for Helena Bertinelli, Mia Dearden, Cassandra Cain, Stephanie Brown, and than being assigned to a main Batbook where I can have my go at four part storyline. After my sucess I get put on a new project where I get all the creative freedom. I write a 20 issue maxi series on a preflash point alternate timeline where Bruce stayed dead. I then get to write a Tim Drake twelve issue maxi where I bring back Tim's civilian friends in a fun but serious story about starting to grow up, and by the end Tim has a new identity.

A job that makes enough that I can have enough money to eat three meals, have a warm shower, and live in a building that won't fall apart with a strong wind?

Tagg List: @uuuuutan @burritowitch @dc-said-bi-robin-rights @dearest-valentine @gretahayes @jpv-isms @jasongrey-redhood @mysteriousbeetle @milfkarazorel @porto-rosso @plutonicbees @sporkberries @saturnsickle @shiverblights @val-el

Sorry if you got annoyed by the tags. I more or less just went down the alphabet.

[thatscarletflycatcher]

I watched Man Up (2015) a couple weeks ago, and I have been wanting to write a post about it ever since, because... how can I put this.

Man Up is a romcom that is structured in surprisingly classical ways. The action happens within roughly 24 hours. There's good twists and turns you don't expect. It has sweet quiet moments complemented by high emotion moments. The casting is really good in its aim for naturalism in both looks and performances.

But then... the movie shoots itself on the foot with...

sex and alcohol.

And you'll say "Scarlet, you are a prude!!!" Yes, I kinda am, but the fascinating thing is that it isn't about that? I don't think I've ever watched a romcom where these were problems at the level of plot and characterization in such an obvious, stark way.

Let's talk alcohol first because it will help me explain the plot at the same time.

We open with our main character, Nancy, trying to gather the courage to go to an engagement party. She gives up and orders some food and drinks from the minibar. She ends up going to the party where she has at least two mojitos. The next morning she has a mild hungover, and takes the train home for her parents' 40th wedding anniversary.

She accidentally meets Jack and they go on a date. They chat and drink beers and eat chips. He then takes her to a Mexican cantina where they do tequila shots and chat some more. Then he takes her to a bowling alley where they do bowling, eat some snacks, and drink some beers. Then they go back to the cantina, and bump into Jack's ex and her new partner. They have more beer, whiskey, and another tequila shot. Nancy then goes home to her parents' party, and Jack goes on another date, where he, of course, drinks another beer.

Even at these point and to the end, both characters look and behave completely sober.

Meanwhile, Nancy's sister, her husband, and their parents are preparing for the pary by... you got it... going to the store to purchase booze! An important part of a scene is about setting up the white wine sofa and the red wine sofa.

Looking for Nancy, Jack mistakenly crashes on a teen house party, where there's, of course, alcohol, and he holds a girl's hair while she vomits and he tells her of a hungover cure.

And I'm here like... it's not only a bit ridiculous that apparently Jack's alcohol resistance is over 2L of beer and 4 tequila shots combined, and he doesn't need to go to the bathroom and is perfectly capable of the fade-to-black sex at the end, but... what was the point? Why does this movie focus so much on alcohol and then never says anything about it? It's not a commentary on modern day hopelessness, addiction or consummerism or anything like that.

At what point of your screenplay writing you stop and think "mmm, isn't all this drinking becoming a little repetitive?" IDK. If it has no meaning, maybe switch the first date thing for ice-cream. Maybe they only have food at the Mexican cantina the first time they go there. IDK. But as it is, it is distracting.

Then, sex. The first one is classic and well known: the sex joke that is not a joke. The "writer thinks people saying embarrassing sex things in a public setting constitutes a joke". It's a truth universally acknowledged that a joke must have a set up and a punchline and that the relationship between those two must have a degree of absurdity to it that causes hilarity. "This situation IRL would make people laugh nervously because they'd be uncomfortable" does not constitute a joke, and is, as a general rule, not funny. Putting it several times into the story won't make it funny either.

Then there's... the stalker. Nancy has a stalker, and the movie attempts to play it for laughs. They went to school together. He knows where her parents live. He knows she has no social media. He's taken pictures of her in her bedroom that she didn't know of. He attempts to blackmail her into giving him sexual favors. THIS MOVIE TREATS THIS AS FUNNY IN THE YEAR OF THE LORD 2015.

Jack and Nancy are presented as opposites -Nancy is cynical, Jack is the hopeless romantic that opens his notebook in the middle of the date to write her name and surround it with heart doodles. No, that happens in the movie, really. There's also a running gag that whenever they dance his hands automatically go to her butt. He then grabs it in the middle of her parents' wedding anniversary party. In front of everyone. WHILE EVERYONE IS SPECIFICALLY LOOKING AT THEM. That's... that's not very character consistent, movie.

And then there's... the ending. There's this whole tension throughout the movie about how Nancy is supposed to be at her parents' wedding anniversary instead of her date with Jack. They lose each other when she's too quiet inviting him and he's too distracted to notice that she's inviting him to go with her. Her dad wonders if she'll bring him to the party and if the date won't be their anniversary as well. When Nancy's stalker pretends he's Jake, Nancy is framed as feeling alienated from the party. She comes back to herself to give her speech, and then Jack storms in the middle of it.

All this set up is building the importance of this family and this community as the framework where the kind of committed, trusting, vulnerable relationship Jack seeks and Nancy wants but is afraid of can flourish. Nancy's parents have been together for 40 years and they are happy and they have friends and family they love and are loved by! But the movie doesn't end with Jack being welcomed into this circle.

It ends with Jack and Nancy leaving the party to go have sex in a bathroom, and Nancy telling her stalker that she'll send him pictures. I kid you not. It's just so jarringly anticlimactic that way.

It was such a strange experience, because we often talk of the sex scene or sex-related scene that is there just to have it, but that contributes nothing to the plot and could have been cut without the movie losing anything, but in this case it actually made it a less cohesive, less consistent, less focused story just by being included. That's something alright.

[jazbell]

ok so the power went out like 4 hours ago and that would usually mean that i dont have anything to distract me from writing but then the sun set and i thought about jeff the killer and got so scared. why is anxiety so fucking stupid.

[olderjodijournals]

Thursday, July 1, 2004

I was so beat that I didn’t even feel or hear him leave this morning. He said it was 57º in here when he left, but I was dressed warmer so I never woke up.

Our tentative plan is to get water and dump the trash on Sunday, then take this old junker into town on Tuesday for more propane.

Later…

Today’s been a pleasantly relaxing day. I still would like to spend time alone here, but I didn’t feel as smothered. This is because we weren’t always together. Sometimes he was in the RV when I wasn’t and vice versa.

I updated my journal on the laptop, read and let the rats run around in here. Blondie was so cute at one point, drinking from my water bottle. He climbs everything and everywhere – fan grids, water dispenser coils, etc.

We discussed various incense-selling ideas for when we reopen the store, and I came up with a good one, though I still doubt we’ll sell any. My idea was to order 50 20-packs to make the $50 minimum. Then, instead of listing specific scents for sale, we give them a choice. We say here are the 50 scents we have, you choose what scents you want towards your variety pack of say 6 scents, 5 sticks each (I’ll have to make sure I burn no more than 15 sticks in each pack), to be shipped upon receiving payment.

I may print out the book I was working on at the library after copying it on a floppy, so I can hand-write it just to have more to do. It’s just that I’d hate to write something by hand that requires so much editing! I also don’t know if I want to try to concentrate on writing stories with Tom always here to interrupt or distract me. I can’t wait till he gets a job! I am so sick of his constant presence and I’m sick of him waking me up when he goes outside in the early mornings till I get up! He’s been getting up around 7 AM and I’ve been getting up around noon.

I’ve been having strange dreams. On top of the usual nightmares where I’m stuck in places – jails, hospitals, camps, etc. – I’ve been having strange sexual dreams as well.

Saturday, July 3, 2004

Got up at my usual time. Ever since we’ve been here I’ve been crashing between midnight and 2 AM and rising between 10:30 AM - 12:30 PM. It’s strange how I’ve held the schedule this long, though I have been taking something at night. Either Melatonin or Benadryl.

I was wrong in saying they left out Carefree incense. It wasn’t on the order form, so I found when I went back and checked. Still, it’s quite a coincidence that they swapped Angel with something else after I mentioned that Angel had become a favorite. I’ve got to stop telling people my likes/dislikes! They only use it against me.

This evening will be my first one alone here if only for a few hours. It’s about fucking time!

Well, it didn’t bounce back, but Dave hasn’t responded to the email I left, and Miss Perfect hasn’t responded to the email Tom left. And I told her in my last letter, which she probably got on Thursday, to check her email.

Yesterday I saw a gray rat. It was big for a wild rat, too.

Sunday, July 4, 2004

Mary and Dave are still blowing us off completely, and so help me God, if they refuse to help us after saying they would, I’ll never forgive them or talk to them again! Tom was even going to offer to pay back the money they lent us by suggesting Miss Perfect set up a PayPal account so he could easily transfer it to her. As I told him, though, if he wants to get his message across, he’s going to either have to send it by postal mail or call them. Fussing over a misunderstanding with my friend Mary every now and then is one thing, but I’ll be damned if I’ll play the family drama game again and again and again.

Two nights ago I didn’t have the bizarre sexual dreams I’ve been having so I thought maybe they quit on me, but last night they were back to haunt me.

Got another Mary letter yesterday. It was very different from the one before it. You’d never think she wrote to me chewing me out, but I can say the same for the letter I wrote her last night; that you’d never know my previous letter was chewing HER out.

She said you don’t really get to know the officers there very well with it being such a big pod and so open, which I can understand. Teddy Bear and I would never have chatted and flirted like we did had we been in the tents or dorms, but then again, she did just that. That’s why she got kicked out of Estrella.

Mary said she got a celly that stared at her nonstop and she burst out screaming. She said she was terrified. She’s also worried about the new jail that’ll be open in about a year with open beds and open showers like in the dorms. She said she’ll shower in her clothes before she lets 100 lesbians check her out as if she were a piece of meat. When she said that I wondered if she wasn’t as accepting towards gays as I’d always thought, but then I realized that she’d feel the same way if it were guys checking her out. Just like she pointed out how I couldn’t handle being there (which is true), I can’t imagine her dancing nude or topless like I did. As she would quickly learn if she did, she wouldn’t be “Mary,” nor any other clever stage name she may come up with, but a piece of meat and nothing more. Most guys that go in there don’t want to romance you in any way, they want to kill you. As in rape you, beat you, etc.

Tom has been having a hell of a time digging the septic test holes. He said the first couple of feet are loose soil, but then you hit rocks. He’s been breaking them up with an ax, but it’s still not easy. Our bath and kitchen water will go through the septic, but the water from the compost toilets we hope to have will go into a separate tray that you dump periodically. What I like about composts is that you can adjust the water amount in it and they can’t get clogged nearly as easily as a regular toilet can.

Monday, July 5, 2004

The only thing I don’t like about buying land is all the damn rules that go with it. I hate being told what to do! Especially with something I bought and own. It’s like buying a dress and being told you can only wear it for 3 hours on Friday nights. This is why, as Tom agrees, a boat would’ve been better. The only drawback to that would’ve been that we couldn’t get things in the mail or go to stores practically whenever we wanted to.

Earlier, like at around 9:30, we heard fireworks. Where they were shooting them off from, I can’t say for sure. I guess the farms, as it’d be a bit dangerous to shoot them off here in the woods.

I cannot wait for the shed! I am so, so sick of him waking me up every morning when he leaves. Why am I so sleep-cursed? Why???

Anyway, once the shed’s up, we’ll invest in a $100 porta-pisser so I won’t have to come into the RV at night if I have to pee.

My nose is so addicted to this wonderful incense! I’m burning Magnolia right now.

I was a bit alarmed when Tom pointed out a missing section from the last book I wrote. Text shouldn’t simply “disappear” from my doc files. Tomorrow I’ll check the file. Maybe it was just a printing error, though I’ll probably have to rewrite the excerpt. It seems to be a small clip that’s missing, so that’s good. I wonder if Mary’s copy is missing it as well. The margins were offset too, and I was like – what the fuck?

Later…

The section was intact in the file, so it was just a printing error, luckily.

Tom and I were discussing whether or not God really exists and what His true intentions are. He feels that if there really is a God, why would He have plans for so many people? There are just so many damn people in the world. He has a point, though some things do seem more than just coincidental. As for me – I don’t care anymore. Instead of getting any answers, I just get more and more confused with all the various beliefs out there. I say if there’s a God, fine. If not, that’s fine, too. And I don’t care if there’s an afterlife or not. I can accept whatever the case may be in this life and any future life I may live. I just might not like it.

One of the freebies, Hawaiian Rain, is really good. It seems, though, that each fragrance has 4 or 5 smell-alikes.

Miss Perfect and Dave are still ignoring our emails, and unless they failed to receive my last letter to them, they are definitely ignoring it. So we devised a plan. Tom emailed Miss P again, but this time he explained that we need a couple of thousand dollars before we can even begin to build, and how we want to build before winter sets in, etc., and offered to pay back $100 a month via PayPal, then $300 a month after the house is built. He explained to them that we need money for the land warranty deed, a septic evaluation permit, the permit to build the damn septic, and a temporary use permit to park the RV and live in it, then a site evaluation to show where things are going to go – the driveway, house, septic, etc. It’s really crazy and unfair, but that’s just life for you. Still, it really bothers me to be told what to do with our own shit and at our ages. So anyway, after another week of her ignoring his email, he’ll email Dave asking if they’ve gotten our emails. When he ignores us, we’ll then send a regular postal letter.

I just had an idea. I could send them an e-card. If they pick it up, I’ll know it, whereas I don’t know it when my email gets read. On the other hand, they’ll probably know I know it, so if they are checking their mail, they may be sure not to get the card so we think they’re just not checking.

Tuesday, July 6, 2004

Today was an okay day, but tomorrow is not going to be very fun having to take this monster in for propane, but hey, it’s the only way to have hot showers and use the stove and then heat when we need it. It’ll be the only time we’ll be glad we don’t have a 40’ RV! Driving something that’s 20x10 is bad enough.

Anyway, we went to the storage place today to drop off a few more things. While we were at it, we got water and I gave the girl there the unwanted incense.

We stopped at the mail place to mail all my mail. Already we’ve received our new bank cards and checks.

Before we left, we decided to move the rats out of the truck and into the screen room. They appear much happier there. They’ll be cooler in the daytime when they can get more air circulation. At night we’ll cover them with a sheet.

Tom acquired a rash that we’re pretty sure is from the Tide laundry detergent we bought at the Laundromat, so we got our own free and clear All. It’s cheaper that way anyway.

After the storage and mail place, we went to the Chinese restaurant, then to the grocery store. Besides a few days’ worth of food, I got another notebook. It will be used exclusively for story-writing. I decided to start another story in it to work on little by little when I get bored, while I work on my current one on the main PC, whenever I get the chance to use it. I still don’t want to do an Oregon-based story until I’ve been here a full year.

Tom found me some Jiffy Pop which I was beginning to think they didn’t sell in Oregon. It wasn’t as good as microwave popcorn, but it was popcorn, and it’s nice to have every now and then.

Someone left a 12-pack of Pepsi under their cart in the parking lot, so I got a free 12-pack.

The next stop was the Laundromat, and again, I’m amazed by how chatty the people are here. I spoke with a retired woman named Pat and a woman around my age named Shaun.

Poor Pat and her husband have it worse than we did when we traveled as they’re waiting on a whole new engine! She and her husband just retired and drove cross country from Maryland. They’ve been stuck in a Best Western for a week now. I asked if it was noisy. Not surprisingly, she said it wasn’t.

Shaun, who’s always lived in Oregon, amazed me when she told me she thought I weighed 110 pounds!

We talked mainly about the places we’ve been to. Both were quite creeped out at the desert creatures I described that we’d encounter in Maricopa.

When we were discussing how it’s no fun to be told what to do with your own land, Pat told me of a place someone lived at that makes this place seem like we have total freedom here. They could only mow their lawn at set times, they had to make sure their neighbor was up first, they couldn’t put their trash out the night before, they had to pull their trash cans in as soon as they were dumped, etc.

Anyway, poor Shaun locked her keys in her truck. Tom and some other guy tried to pry it open to no avail, so she had to wait for someone to rescue her with a Slim Jim.

We were all laughing our asses off when she first asked me if I knew how to break into trucks and I said, “Sorry, wrong criminal history. I was only a prank phone caller.”

Anyway, Tom’s trip to the temp place wasn’t that great. They told him to call every morning at 8:00 to see if they have anything, but of course, he can only wait so many days, which means he’ll have to fill out applications at the Work Connection.

There is good news, though, and that’s that the minimum wage here is $7.05 an hour rather than $5.15 like it is in Arizona. That’s way cool! With that, we could have $100 a month to spend on whatever, but as I told Tom, once I get the most expensive dolls if I can get them without the headaches and hassles, I’m going to cut my spending money back to $50 a month because I want to get in the house!!! The custom-made dolls I decided on are Hispanic Alexa, black Shani, redheaded, cornflower-eyed Becky, auburn-haired, green-eyed Jamaica, and blond, blue-eyed Mandy. I still may one day get either SW16 Bailey or an Indian version of her.

Our last stop was Dairy Queen for Blizzards. There were these two little kids there that were so Arizona-like and totally out of control. They were running around screaming like crazy. The parents themselves couldn’t have been a day over 18.

At one point a biker approached them to lecture them about not teaching the kids manners (something no one would dare do in Arizona!) and the mother simply said, “My son’s only 3 years old.”

Yes, she should be disciplining them, but had I been her, Mr. Big Bad Biker would’ve been in for a rude awakening! I’d have totally cussed him out and told him to mind his own goddamn business and if he wanted to fight, I’d be ready. The kids really were little monsters, though, screaming like hyenas. I was thrilled when they finally left.

In general, the people here, both young and old, seem a lot more relaxed. Arizona restaurants can really be quite a circus, yet even though the Chinese place was crowded, it wasn’t a zoo-like riot. They were all adults, though, as Oregon doesn’t seem to have as many kids.

Wednesday, July 7, 2004

I don’t know what I am right now, more pissed or more worried. Probably more pissed. Who at? Tom’s family. Again. I think they’ve pissed me off one too many times and that it’s definitely, definitely time to be done with them, and Tom agrees. Nothing makes my blood boil more than someone saying they’ll do something they never do! I hate people who are all talk and no action. Hate them! It’s like his family doesn’t give a shit about us any more than mine ever did. Miss Perfect’s exact words to Tom before we left were to let her know if we needed help. Well, we do. So Tom emailed her about it and even offered to pay back the money soon enough, but we’re still being ignored. Today my gut suspicions were confirmed too, because I received the auto-notifier saying that Dave got the e-card I sent. Well, if he got that, he had to have gotten my email which was not returned. Tom says not to jump the gun and to give it a few days, but it’s kind of obvious that they really don’t care to help us. Then why the fuck did they even bother to offer to?! My gut instinct is so rarely wrong when it comes to other people’s true intentions. I know they don’t give a shit and that they never intended to help us, so once again we’re pulling back and separating the blood relation from the people that they are and asking ourselves if we want to associate with people that could do that to us and the answer’s no. We have enough self-respect to avoid liars like that that don’t give a shit about us. The least they could’ve done had something come up to prevent them from helping us would be to let us know. To just keep us hanging like this is way cold and it seems that Dave’s just as bad as the rest of them not to have the decency to at least let me know he got my message.

It’s times like this that make me not want to have a damn thing to do with anyone but Tom because we don’t need any shit from anyone. You can only piss one off so many times before you just might very well lose them for good, and that’s just what they’ve accomplished.

I just worry we’ll be out of money before he finds work. He tells me not to worry about it till it happens, but that’s much easier said than done.

I wish to hell like never before that Marge S would just drop dead! Even if she did, though, would Tom even be given his inheritance?

Later…

Tom says he’s not ready to give up hope as far as them helping us, but I’m afraid to get my hopes up. On the other hand, it’d be hard not to hope they wouldn’t go back on their word in such a big way, despite their faults, but the world’s full of compassionless people who like to play with people’s heads.

I wracked my brains, knowing how fragile most people are, to think if anything I might’ve said in my last letter might’ve offended them, and I honestly can’t think of anything I wrote that any reasonable person would take offense to, but sometimes you can write something as simple as “the sun is shining brightly” and that’s all it takes to flip someone out. So sensitive is the Arizonan that you just never know. They can be laughing with you one minute and wanting to kill you the next!

I nearly got quite a bonk on the head shortly after we left with the RV. I glanced up at the overhead just in time to see my keyboard come tumbling down, but thanks to my quick reflexes, I caught the thing in my hand.

Fortunately, it only costs $16 to fill up the propane tank and not the $50 we thought it would.

I still can’t get used to it being light at 9:00 PM! The sun doesn’t fully set till 10:00.

Thursday, July 8, 2004

Well, I’ll be damned! They are going to come through for us after all! With mixed emotions attached, of course. Meaning, we’re very appreciative of the fact that they’re sending out a check today for 3K, but they’re refusing to let us pay them back. We were going to give them $100 a month, then $300 a month once the house was done, but they’re saying that instead of paying them back, no more! That’s where the mixed emotions come from. On one hand, telling your kid “no more” when you have a good 100K or so is pretty low, but at the same time we do hate to ask for help and we do want to be independent. I know the “no more” is for our own good as mom knows she’s not going to be around forever to rescue us. Then again, is that really the case? Or could it be she no longer gives a damn? Our goal is to get 5K - 10K saved up ASAP and 20K saved by the time he turns 60 because you just never know.

Meanwhile, life in the Klamath Falls Forest Estates, unit 4, lot 13 can begin!!! Oh, how I hope we stay here for at least a decade! Tom thinks it’s more likely we’ll get a summer cabin nearby, than people living here year-round. Yeah, I guess it’s better to have the summers spoiled than the whole year, but as long as they don’t fuck with us, we’ll deal with whatever. It should be easy enough to get them out of sight, if not out of sound. Even if I was psychic enough to know we’d never get neighbors, though I still think we will sooner or later, I’d still plant flower hedges next spring anyway. It’d be nice to have something pretty like that no matter what. We were thinking of going with the Rose of Sharon. They’re cheap and they grow fast. I also think the wildlife here isn’t as likely to mess with them in this kind of climate, though we’ll get older plants if we can.

I’ll still write mom periodically, though not as much, as like I said, I have mixed emotions about her. She, Mary and Dave, just aren’t my favorite folks. They asked if I went to the temp agency with him, and of course he told them I did. Anything they want to hear we’ll tell them to get the money we need. I’d tell them I tortured the old neighbors without provocation if that’s what they want to hear and if that’s what it’ll take to get the money. Either way, we’re pretty confident that once he gets a job, we should be able to fend for ourselves so long as we don’t have a mortgage or any other huge expenses come up.

So I was half-right in the end. I mean, I was really starting to doubt they were going to put their actions where their mouths are, but I pretty much expected the “no more” part.

Why couldn’t Doe and Art have died the day before I dumped them?!

Between the two of us, we’ve had one black eye, a bad rash (though now that he’s taking Ibuprofen it seems to be healing), and two bouts of the runs, on top of the usual sleep curse. Tom agrees that most curses go in cycles for set numbers of years, but when he says the sleep curse will probably end when the shed’s built in a couple of months from now, I’m highly skeptical. This is because it’s been going on for 12 years now! Nobody’s this light a sleeper, nobody!

Tom had to run out for water because I had to flush the toilet so many damn times when I got sick. He got it from this hotel in Beatty and found that they do propane there which he was happy to learn.

We’re going to make sure we don’t start spending money on fun things, as in setting aside allowances for ourselves, till we have a certain amount saved up. This amount will depend on what his job pays. He filled out applications today and is going to check out some production companies tomorrow. I’m also not going to get the mannequin till the house is done. Besides, there’s no room for it until then anyway, and it can wait. There’ll still be mannequins in the world by then and I’ll still have many years to enjoy it when I can get it, so I’m fine with waiting.

Tom got an inflator kit that sounds like a blow dryer for $5 so I can blow up my bed myself if I ever need to.

It was freezing in here at 6:00 this morning. Just 54º! We set the thermostat to 65º and we intend to leave it that way for as long as we have to live in this shitbox!

Our local rodent friends never cease to amaze me with how smart they are. The chippies seem just as intelligent as rats! When I call out “Chippy,” they actually come running! Also, Tom got to see the big gray rat today.

Last night I began Anyone’s Dream which I think is my best writing yet. I wrote it in my notebook to kill time before I could fall asleep. I abbreviated a lot of it so I could write faster, figuring I could always fine-tune it once I typed it up.

I’ve got to concentrate more on subjects, whether I’m personally sick of them or not, that interest most people if I want to stand a chance, no matter how slim, of selling my books. They want sex, they want murder, they want childbirth, they want substance abuse, they want violence. They mostly want to read about things they don’t want to experience in real life.

Friday, July 9, 2004

Still no job yet, but again he went out and submitted applications. He still feels confident he’ll get something soon. He said he wouldn’t be worried unless he was still jobless at the end of the month. His finding something – anything – would certainly take the stress off, though his mom’s check that’s coming will help. I just hope we won’t be forced to spend it on day-to-day living expenses because he can’t get work!

Later…

My MP3 player’s broken and I’m like, great. Just great. How much more do I have to lose along the way? It’s like something wants to destroy the few belongings we have left, leaving us with nothing! We have to get a new this and a new that and I am just so sick of starting over! When oh when do I get to stop starting over???

He did manage to focus the camera long enough to shoot a dozen pictures of the land and the lovely view at the end of the lane. I created a new Oregon land album on Webshots and uploaded the pictures into it. Then I sent Dave a link, but I’m sure we won’t hear back in regard to it. These are people who are so wrapped up in themselves and cocooned in their own little world that they’re rather oblivious to anyone else unless you practically grab them by the shoulders and shake the hell out of them.

Again, I hate to leave the rats in the screen room, even though I know they can handle it, but there’s really no room in here. Also, Tom’s movements waking me up are enough. I don’t need to add their fighting to it, too.

Saturday, July 10, 2004

Staying back at the land for a few days makes going out more special, so I look forward to going out tomorrow. We’ll pick up some groceries and maybe hit the Chinese place, too.

I decided not to bother listing my books. For one, no one goes on eBay looking for books written by the sellers themselves, and secondly, I know the rule – if Jodi wants it, Jodi can’t have it. It’d be a silly waste of time to set myself up to fail. I learned by the time I got to my 30s not to fight fate or waste time struggling for things that weren’t meant to be. My writing was strictly meant to be a fun hobby and that’s it.

Dave picked up the album link, but as expected, not a word pertaining to it was sent in response.

Sunday, July 11, 2004

After a week of having around 1000 calories, I saved some money but failed to drop below 127 pounds. I knew I wouldn’t, though, and again, I know I’m far from the only one in this world who can’t lose weight.

The first of many samples came today. A regular letter-size envelope and a big envelope came made of very lightweight material. I’m not really sure what it is. The question is, can I send it to jail? Maybe I’ll just send the big one to Mary containing past journal excerpts or stories if I ever hear back from her.

If mom’s check isn’t there tomorrow, I’m going to be worried.

We went out today for water and a few groceries, as well as to the Chinese place. I got fries and barbecued pork. The fries were wonderful as always, but the pork was boring. I should’ve gotten the fried wontons.

For now, we’ve got a computer setup where he uses his outside on an old folding table. He has to put a tarp over his head, though, so he can see his screen. I use mine in the RV. If it wasn’t so cold at night, we could use it then, but he goes to bed before the sun even sets between 8:00-9:00.

I still hate the long drives to and from Klamath Falls, but again, it’s either be chilly in peace and solitude or sweat it out with the animals and antics of warmer climates.

Later…

I forgot to mention that on our way back we took a different way in. One that’s longer, but with better roads.

Tom got a bit of a sunburn. He didn’t wear a shirt because of his rash, so now he’s burned. That’s the third problem he’s had since coming here. Maybe he’s the unwanted one in this place.

I saw a cottontail earlier just like the ones down in Maricopa, plus we have what appears to be a small gray rat living under the wooden boards in the screen room.

It was cute when one of the chipmunks was standing straight up looking curiously up at the rat’s cage. God help it if it or a mouse dares to enter that cage for my rats will surely kill them! Rats are predators who especially love to kill mice.

Tom and I have a bet going, even though we didn’t actually bet on any particular thing. See, he insists that anyone can lose weight and that the main reason they don’t is that it’s no fun being hungry all the time and not easy staying thin once they get there.

I, however, insist that some people simply can’t lose weight, including myself. They just can’t do it for a variety of reasons. Could be a medication they’re on, thyroid problems, or genetics, but not everyone can lose weight, like it or not, any more than everyone can sing or dance.

Anyway, I agreed to faithfully stick to my diet of roughly 1000 calories a day, plus a half-hour workout to save money and to show him I won’t and can’t drop under 127 pounds. I did have dreams in Maricopa where some nameless, faceless being was insisting I couldn’t lose weight while I was there only because the evil that resided there wouldn’t let me, and while I always thought it silly for a ghost to tamper with someone’s weight, though God knows whatever was there sure as hell despised me!

I hope to hell he gets a job this week! I really do. If he doesn’t actually start something then I hope he’s at least hired somewhere this week. His getting a job will take so much stress off of us. Then we can start over and hope that we can have at least a decade before we have to do it again for the millionth time. Oh, how great it would be to stop starting over!

I swear it’s like something wants to keep things going for me and keep me on the go. I think, however, I could do a fine job on my own of keeping busy and productive! Yet here we are kicked down once again and once again we’re building ourselves back up on account of others, though it was our choice to come here (yes, for once a decision was made by us!) and we do want to build our own house to get out of having to have a mortgage. Still, I feel like I’m back playing appointments again, in a sense. In fact, the appointment game is exactly what I’m back to having to play if I want to be the one to do the laundry, go out for a bite to eat periodically, and to pick out things by myself at the grocery store.

Oh well. At least no one will threaten me with jail if I don’t go. If the so-called appointments aren’t neighbor-related, I can handle it.

I’m not looking forward to playing appointment with a new dentist either, once I finally get one, but I have to. I have a killer cavity that’s got to be filled, plus a few others.

Not only did I receive no reply from Dave, but none from Bob or Jeff when I went to ask if they ever expected to have plain caramel in their inventory. Why is everyone ignoring me? Oh well. Guess I’ll just ignore them back!

On our way in we checked out these two swimming holes that are sort of side by side, and yuck! They looked disgusting. The shallow, murky water was filled with tall reeds. You couldn’t swim very well there even if the water were deep enough. The lady at the bank said to stay out of the lakes due to the leeches. Well, we didn’t see any blood-suckers, but I saw a small snake swimming through the reeds. It was perhaps a foot long and might’ve been a water moccasin. If it was, the thing’s way poisonous.

Although we’re not scared of snakes, it’s nice to be out of rattlesnake territory where you always have to check under the stairs, under the cars, etc. Not that Tom would be sitting outside at a computer with a tarp over his head in Arizona in July, but it’d be an extremely dangerous thing if he did. Here, he doesn’t have to worry about stuff like that and having to always look over his shoulder at certain times of the year.

I just hope someone hires him this week. That’s our biggest concern right now. He spoke to a woman who said it took her 4 months to find work here. I don’t know if she was being picky or not, but hearing that and how she had to stay in a shelter was scary!

Think I’ll listen to music now on the laptop, then read, then work on Anyone’s Dream. Tom says I’m a real writer now because most writers work on more than one story at a time. Yeah, but aren’t real writers supposed to get paid for their work?

Monday, July 12, 2004

I did hear from Bob after all. He said his supplier went out of business and is looking for plain caramel. I just hope that the next time I order Angel, it really is Angel.

That’s twice Tom missed a call for what was probably a job interview. He was taking a dump when the call came. What? Does something up there want him jobless? He said he’s still not worried about the job with all the applications he’s filled out, and since he got two calls. The first call, the shit cell phone died when he went to answer it. I hate cell phones! It’d be $750 to have phone wire strung here rather than 7 grand as it would be for electric, but I’m a bit reluctant to do that at any point, even though they’re more reliable than cell phones, as I don’t want it encouraging people to move in here, though I’m sure they’ll do just that anyway.

Tom says the jobs he applied for are minimum wage. That should show us just how for or against us whatever’s up there truly is. I mean, if he couldn’t get a minimum-wage job, there’d be no denying the fact that something has it in for us even here.

He is a little worried about Ma’s check, though, which we still haven’t received. He thinks it’ll come tomorrow and that this mailing company is a day behind with their mail. I just hope they’re not lying about sending the check in the first place what with all the people who love to say they’ll do things they don’t intend to do because if they are, I’ll curse the living hell out of them! Without a shred of guilt, I’ll curse them to death or so close to it they’ll wish they were dead.

Later…

It sends chills throughout me to think of all the spiders we’d have found in this thing, amongst God knows what else if we’d been in Arizona this last month. I can also just imagine how many spiders have been in the house since we left it and I haven’t been there to do anti-spider spells.

Tom stunk so bad earlier that he ran me out of the RV as he was trying to wet-wipe skin folds that trap in sweat, like around his crotch area. Yup, the worst thing about being with a guy, not that I’d want to be with a woman other than in my fantasies, is how much they stink.

Now, if God – or something – could please, please let that check be there tomorrow, and please, please let him get hired somewhere, preferably at a full-time job so we could have benefits, we’ll be well on our way to establishing ourselves in Oregon. I know he’ll get 1st shift, though, unfortunately, so he can keep waking me up. Nothing up there would be so kind as to let him get 2nd shift so he wouldn’t have to do that, though I wish he could! I’d like to have some of the regular business hours free for doing things that can only be done at those times. Plus, 2nd and 3rd shifts usually pay more.

Tuesday, July 13, 2004

Well, I got half of my wishes granted. We did get the check, but he’s still jobless. He filled out more applications today while I did laundry, and has decided to take their free two-hour résumé class tomorrow. He thinks that’s what’s hindering him. I hope it’s that and not something up there that’s against us. We’ve had enough unearthly sources against us! So far so good, though, as we don’t have windows breaking for no reason at all, nor do we have any foul odors that appear out of nowhere for no reason.

I had a vibe on a particular scratch ticket out of about 20 different tickets they sell in a vending machine in the grocery store. It only won $2, but it won.

Anyway, as I figured would be the case, there was no note enclosed with the check. I’m still going to cut my letters way down to them as I still don’t like being told “no more” after they made Tom their personal slave for so long, and Tom agrees. I just wish Tom had said “no more” himself long before he did. Oh well. Better later than never.

The Laundromat was more crowded than I’d ever seen it before, but I didn’t have to wait on any machines. Their dryers really suck, so I hung the clothes in the RV once we got back. We’ll probably get a clothesline soon. It would save us a little money in the end.

After depositing the check and getting $100, since there’s a hold on the rest of it, we went to the Chinese place. I got my pork fried rice and egg foo young this time. They’re getting friendlier to us there now that we’re pretty much regulars.

Tom wanted to stop at DQ for blizzards after we did the laundry, but I was still stuffed from the Chinese place so I couldn’t eat much of it. I don’t have to weigh myself to know I’m back to around 130. I’ve been stuck ever since I got sick, and again, I know I can’t lose weight no matter how many days I stick to having around 1000 calories. He’s not yet convinced I’m right. When he is, then I’ll add about 500 calories, though maybe not. It saves money this way.

We checked out a thrift store in which nothing interested us, but that’s good since we don’t want to be spending money on non-necessities. They had a dryer there for $24, but I’m sure it was broken beyond repair.

When we got back, after I put things away or hung them to dry, I took the last few slices from our old loaf of bread, gave some to the rats, then to my wild friends. As soon as I threw the slices out to them, an adult chipmunk, a baby chipmunk, and the big gray rat, all came running to get their share.

Well, it’s been about 5 days since my sleep was shorted, so I’d say I’ve got about another 5 to go before it happens again. It seems to be cursed at regular intervals. But why???

Wednesday, July 14, 2004

My comforter turned out to be so damn damp that we had to hang it out to dry. We hung it over the satellite.

A white pickup cruised back and forth today. That’s the third vehicle that we know of to pass by, though there certainly could’ve been others with quiet motors to pass by when we weren’t looking or that passed by while we were out.

Anyway, the worrying over getting the check is out of the way, so now we’ve got to get over the next hurdle which is finding him a job. God, I hope he gets something this week!

Later…

Tom went to the class and found that they recommended he do his résumé a lot differently than he had in mind. I hope this helps! I decided that once I run out of food – no more till he gets a job. The good thing about not being able to lose weight (I gained back 2 of the 3 pounds I lost) is that I could go months without eating and still hold my weight. Most people would end up emaciated. Me, as long as I have plenty of water and vitamins, it won’t affect my health or my weight. I thought of one day going to a doctor to see if they could tell me exactly why I can’t lose weight, be it diabetes, thyroid problems, etc., but I’m pretty sure they’d just tell me that if my body holds its weight, then obviously it feels comfortable at that weight and to just let it be. Still, I can stop eating for the sake of saving money all I want. So there is some good to not being able to lose weight. Besides, I’m not that big. I know I’m no beauty queen, but I’m no ugly duckling either. In fact, I’m skinnier than most women my age.

Anyway, I guess one of the things Tom needs to do is kiss a little ass. They said that companies like to be praised, and I was like, but how can you praise a company you never worked for and can’t know anything about? Apparently, though, if you tell them you heard about them online and that they seem just wonderful, it’ll help.

I know he’ll have a 1st shift job and that in compensation for the lack of house payment, it’ll be a minimum wage job, but the question is when???

The night before last, I could actually hear a dog barking from inside the trailer, though it was very faint. Still, we haven’t seen one loose dog on this land, nor have we heard any music, let alone voices. I love it! There’s also no worry about it being so trashy around here like it was down in Maricopa. We’d have to get someone living in the clearing in front that was a slob to have trash blowing onto our land. I’m sure that’ll be the case someday, so I’m enjoying every quiet, clean moment I can! If we had slobs a couple of properties away, the trash should get hung up on the trees before it could make its way over here. The few trees in Maricopa manage to catch blowing trash, so these trees would certainly do a wonderful job of that.

Tom said he wants to get a gate up by where our driveway’s going to be ASAP, and I was like, but they could drive in through the clearing. He said it was a psychological thing, and I was like, okay.

It’s 87º in here now. This is the hottest it’s been so far and very typical of a seasonal climate where late July and August are the hottest as opposed to June which is the hottest month in Arizona. As hot as it is, it makes the late nights and early mornings more comfortable. It’s also dry, so it’s not nearly as miserable as it is in Massachusetts.

The other day when we got the camera in focus, I wanted to go out and take some pictures of the wildflowers, only to find that the bluebells had withered up and died!

Thursday, July 15, 2004

I heard Tom leave at 8:30 this morning. The fact that it’s now just after 4:00 and he still hasn’t returned tells me that something either very bad or very good came up. If it were bad, it’d more than likely be connected to the truck. Most of our crises seem to be wells or vehicles, and fortunately, we have no well now. But if it were the truck, I can’t imagine what would delay him this long. I would think he’d either get out and fix it or walk to a place for any part he may need, then back to the truck to fix it.

That leaves a job offer that came up. I hope! I really, really do! That’d be neat for him to get a job on our one-month anniversary here in Oregon, and on Linda’s birthday (my favorite singer who’s about Kate’s age).

I’m hoping that they not only interviewed him but that they hired and started him, too! Oh, how I hope that’s the case! I just can’t imagine truck trouble or errands taking all day. Of course, the worst thing that could’ve happened was that he was in an accident and is laid up in the hospital with no way to reach me. This thought makes me sick, but if this were the case, I’d surely think I’d have bad vibes. He’d have to be gone till the sun starts setting for me to really start worrying.

Someone left a text message on his phone at 10:00, but I don’t know how to retrieve it. I assumed it was a sales call anyway.

I’m anxious for his return to find out just what the case is. Plus, we’re out of water! I felt a #2 coming on and went outside to do it behind a stand of trees, but every time I’d squat down, a bee would harass me! It all worked out ok, though, for the bee drove my urge to shit away. Now let’s hope it stays away till he returns!

Anyway, I was pretty productive around here today, rearranging this and that. I even pulled the rats toward the center of the screen room so their cover sheet won’t get drenched the next time it rains.

I got a really good look at the rat today when I threw out some bread. It seems rather pregnant.

As long as you don’t spend much time in direct sunlight, it’s gorgeous. Oregon definitely has the best summers – not too hot, not too humid. Also, the stars on moonless nights are fabulous! More vivid than they were down in Maricopa. The trees aren’t as green as in New England as those trees mostly have leaves that fall off in the fall, whereas these pines, firs and spruces don’t do that and consist of a darker green. Some of the underbrush will lose its leaves, but that’s about it.

I’m glad for the tall grasses and hilly terrain or else it may not be as secluded as I’d like. This is because the lower parts of the trees aren’t very full. Some trees have no branches until you get 20’ up their trunks.

Later…

Yes, Tom was working today! And yes, it was him that left the text message. He worked at a place that boxes bookcases that you buy at places like Walmart and assemble yourself. Its only drawback is that it’s not a year-round thing and it’s only temporary. Instead, he has an interview scheduled for 9 AM tomorrow morning (you bet I’ll be spelling the night away) at a production company that makes computer cables. He feels it’d be a good place to work. His only obstacle may be that he’s overqualified.

We just hope he gets something permanent, full-time and with benefits real soon! He thinks tomorrow’s quite promising. I think so, too. I sure as hell hope so anyway! I think they’ll be impressed when they see what a nice, mellow guy he is. They just better not use him, but he’s learned his lesson as far as being too nice for too long is concerned. Besides, we don’t have a mortgage, so he could tell any nasty bosses to shove it up their asses and go elsewhere for work if he had to.

I had to take that dump before he got in, so I used drinking water to fill the toilet with. It’s ok, though, as it’s only like 50¢ a gallon. When he was at the storage place he was asking this guy there if it was ok to get water there, and the guy said, “Oh, yeah, go ahead. Help yourself. I can relate. The pump on my well went out.”

We can relate even more!

Friday, July 16, 2004

Tom went for the interview today at the cable-making place. There were about 6 others who were also interviewed. They had to do a silly math test, he said, and at one point, they showed one of the people how to do a particular problem they couldn’t do. As Tom said, what kind of a test is that if you’re going to show someone how to do something? They say they’ll let him know by Monday, but I’m beginning to have my doubts as to whether or not he’ll get the job just because it’s a much better job than the bookcase place, and most people don’t get the jobs they prefer. We’ll see, though.

Got a Bob letter today. All he had to say was that he’s been sick and would like me to send pictures of the land and house. He said he’s seen dome houses and that they’re nice. Just as soon as I get a printer I’ll send pictures. I wrote him a long letter back earlier, offering to send both stories and pictures as soon as I can, assuming he wants the stories. He probably will want them, and as I told him, the only reason I quit sending any after the third story or so was because I hadn’t heard from him. It’ll be nice to share my stories with him too, and I know he’ll appreciate having more to do, even if it only fills a fraction of his time.

A few hours after Tom got back, we went to that place in Olene so I could try their rib dinner. It was good, but a bit pricey.

Later…

I used up the last of the yellow pad the librarian gave me that someone had left at the library, so now I’m back to using my sparkly notebook when I have to write by hand.

Tom suggested I not worry about what I think will sell (not that I could ever sell a book anyway) and just write what I want, which he says real writers do. Yeah, I should. After all, wasn’t it me who bitched for so many years about too much of my life and actions having to revolve around others on account of their hold on me or their precious little feelings?

That rib dinner stuffed me so full that I haven’t had anything else. It was way good, save for the other patrons. There was a party of 6 and they were all adults, but very loud adults.

I decided on an allowance plan. The first thing we’re going to do is save up that grand we want to save up. Once that’s done, I’m going to put my monthly $100 towards porcelain dolls and any grocery savings towards other things like Barbie lots, incense, etc. Just like I’m putting off the mannequin till we get in the house, I’m going to put off the larger dolls till then too, or at least until we get close to moving in. They’d only hog up space in storage and be more stuff to have to haul back and forth. I think I’ll start with the bride, ballerina and Indians I like that Ashton has. I not only worry about hauling and hogging up space, but we’re not very secure yet. I don’t want to be getting expensive dolls that could be stolen almost as easily as if I handed the things right to a thief.

The question then will be which ones to get first! I guess I should go for the smaller ones that have been available the longest. As it is, some of them that have been on my list are gone.

They have these new Indian ornaments similar in size and price to my ballerina ones. They’re cool. It’s a subscription plan where you get 3 sets of 3. I’ll cancel after the first set like I did with the ballerinas as 3 is enough.

They also have a new gorgeous 27” Indian doll with a braid over 21” long for $200. Not bad, considering most 24” undressed, custom-made dolls are usually between $225-$250. She’s got a nice face and outfit, so I added her to my list.

For security purposes, Tom backed up all my doc files onto his hard drive, and when we’re both out, he’ll throw his PC in the truck. This gives me better peace of mind because although it’s unlikely, someone could easily steal all my docs (including Mary’s), plus my pictures and MP3s.

I was shocked to hear sirens earlier! They were going down the highway not too far from here. They were barely audible, but you could tell what it was.

The days are getting hotter. It almost hit 90º in here. It saves us money on propane because the heat doesn’t come on till well after midnight. It’s waking me up earlier, though. Instead of sleeping closer to noon, I’m sleeping closer to 10:00 because by then it’s in the 80s in here. I wish I could always be on a schedule. However, I know that as soon as I’m in a place with a more stable temperature, I’ll return to an erratic schedule.

Saturday, July 17, 2004

And the sleep curse lives on! I just thought it’d be a few days yet before it got me again since it seems that my 4-hour wake-up calls are set at 7- 10-day intervals. Just when I thought to myself that there was no more ammunition for it to use to get me out of bed in the middle of my sleep, short of the RV being on fire, it got me yet again by springing a leak in my bed. I checked yet I found nothing that could’ve punctured it. It’s like it magically occurred. Tom tried to locate the leak, but couldn’t find anything other than a possibly questionably loose valve where you unscrew the cap to deflate the thing. Still, the breakage/leakage curse lives on and it’s really frustrating. It really is! When, oh when can I ever go more than a week without being woken up by circumstances that prevent me from going back to sleep right away?! As it is, I got him waking me up when he leaves in the early mornings, and sometimes before as well, when he gets fidgety. Damn this fucking sleep curse to hell! I don’t know who/what put it on me or why, but damn the mother-fucking thing to hell! Maybe I should beat it at its own damn game and deprive myself of sleep by setting alarms to go off an hour or two before I’d normally get up. It couldn’t take what I didn’t have, and if I didn’t have sleep, there wouldn’t be any to take!

So anyway, the question was: did I want to jump up and fill the damn bed with air 2-3 times during the night? (it took 3 hours to deflate). Did I want to get my foam pad out of storage and sleep on that? Or did I want to spend $15 every 2-3 weeks for a new bed?

I decided to just get a new bed. This one was a couple of dollars more, but it’s a name brand that claims it’s guaranteed not to leak. It has a one-year warranty, too.

I ended up sleeping from 1 AM - 5 AM, then I dozed on and off from 8:30 - 11 AM. At 8:30 I had blown up the bed with tons of air and bottomed out at 11:00. By then it was too hot to sleep anyway. Nonetheless, if I could go more than 10 days without being woken up for more than a minute (though even that gets old), I’d be thrilled.

It’s days like this that make me leery of getting more dolls. Like I said, I don’t want to be getting dolls that are either going to end up broken, stolen, or simply taken.

Anyway, we stopped at storage for water, grabbed the mail and mailed off Bob’s letter along with Michael’s land payment and land deed paperwork fee.

We checked out a pet store, and yes, they have fancy rats here, too!

My little Blondie, as we’ve been calling him, is one weird rat! He has some strange habits. For one, he loves to rub his back up against things like cats do.

We changed their cage today and I took out the wire roof I had turned into their floor to keep them from making such a mess because they’re outside now where it wouldn’t matter if they kicked some of their bedding out.

Tom said the chipmunks can be weird too, getting within an inch of him, then running as soon as he starts talking and beating their heads in the ground.

We went to the Chinese place today. I won’t be back there for a while. Monday, I begin a 1000-calorie-or-less-per-day diet to not only save money but to show Tom I really can’t lose weight. As I told him, I’d really surprise them big time if I were in a concentration camp. Assuming I wasn’t buried alive or tossed in an oven, I’d shock my captors by holding my weight despite how much they starved me.

We grabbed a few days’ worth of food, then hit Walmart for the bed. Klamath Falls really is small compared to Phoenix and even Casa Grande, as I saw a chick there who works at the DQ, plus a few people who left the Chinese place just moments before we did.

Tom took a sledgehammer and drove a couple of posts into the back corners for when we string the perimeters.

It’s been so much warmer that the heat never came on last night and I could sleep nude like I prefer to do. It only got down to 69º and I have the thermostat set at 65º.

Sunday, July 18, 2004

Today’s been cloudy with bouts of drizzle. I figured as much when I awoke after a much-needed 12 hours of sleep that I was only roused from twice, each for a minute, to find it only 74º in here. It’s in the low 80s now, but a bit uncomfortable as it’s muggy.

Monday, July 19, 2004

I awoke at 11:00 at 84º. I got up, opened the windows and brought it down to 81º. Tom had long gone to work after waking me up twice with his movements, along with strange dreams. Then the rain came and knocked the temperature just under 80º, so I closed up. Amazingly, not one drop of water leaked in here. It rained like it does in Massachusetts in the summer. It drizzled on and off for a while at first, then it came down harder. There was no thunder or lightning.

They say it’s to be in the 90s for the rest of the week. That’ll make the afternoons rather toasty, but the nights will be pleasant. I won’t have to sleep in anything and we’ll save propane by not needing heat.

Not surprisingly, the better job didn’t call him. See? It isn’t only me. 90% of the population doesn’t get their “ideal” job or realize their dreams, even if I may be one of the few to end up glad they didn’t.

Instead, he came home beat and stiff from a shitty job. He says the job is so incredibly physical that it’ll surely kill him if he stays there for more than a few weeks. No wonder it’s a temp job, as he says. No one can last long at it!

So, tears of worry flowed for a few minutes from me, but not for long. I’m too angry to be melancholy for long. Angry that all we do is struggle our asses off year after year. Angry that we work so hard for so little and sometimes for nothing at all. Angry at the cock responsible for putting us in this predicament, though I do not wish to return to Maricopa. Angry that we keep getting kicked down when we do build ourselves back up. Angry that old curses just won’t die! What will happen when we have a house no one can take from us? Will God see to it that a forest fire destroys it and takes it from us that way? Or will he take me from it by having me set up again by some vindictive shit with certain connections? What will happen when there’s no more ammunition to use to wake me up after 4 hours of sleep every week or two? Will I wake up just because, for no apparent reason, unable to fall back asleep?

Anyway, Tom eased my doubts and concerns by assuring me that the jobs are out there, reminding me that it’s barely been 3 weeks since he started looking. Besides, he got yet another call. This one’s from the Ross clothing store that they plan to open in a few weeks. They’re screening applicants on Tuesdays till they open.

He explained how he could work the rest of the month, then take 7 weeks to find another job if need be, and still support us without touching the $2,500 that’s left of his mom’s money. That’s all well and good, and yes it’s some comfort to know this, but I’ll still feel better once he gets a full-time permanent job he can handle with benefits and with people who don’t use and abuse him!

A chipmunk was climbing the inside walls of the screen room earlier. It was cute. I just hope they don’t tear it up. Especially before the rats get moved in here. See, once the shed’s up, we plan to move them and the plants in here, mount the satellite on a pole, then turn this bed back into a table and put our monitors there.

He was too beat to check for mail today (I’ll admit I’m curious as to what Mary will have to say in her next letter if I get one), but if he doesn’t check tomorrow, he’ll at least grab some groceries. I barely had 1000 calories today, the start of the 30-day, money-saving, prove-Tom-wrong diet. I awoke at 127 pounds, just what I’ll be waking up at 30 days from now. Oh well. I may not be able to lose weight, but I sure as hell can maintain it!

Tuesday, July 20, 2004

Tom won’t be back for 8 hours or so. I just hope the job doesn’t kill him!

Alone with a team of me, myself and I, I expect I’ll be bored at times with nothing to do other than reading, writing and listening to music, but it’s better than feeling like I have no time or space to myself.

It’s hard to believe that in late ’00 to early ’01, to be alone in a room was just a dream. Now I’m the only soul around for a good one-mile radius!

Some of the vehicles down in the valley on the highway between units 4 and 1 are so loud that I think someone’s driving down the road, only to realize they’re not. Other than distant traffic, all I hear is the wind and the wind chimes with an occasional squeak from a chipmunk. They sound similar to prairie dogs but aren’t as loud or as constant with their squeaking.

I thought up a clever name for this place – Junipine. Just like Desert Winds Ranch was an appropriate name for our Maricopa place, I thought that with this place being full of pines and junipers, Junipine Estate was appropriate.

Wednesday, July 21, 2004

Today was the start of a few-day heatwave. For the first time since we got here, I was glad for the wider high-low temperature swings. It didn’t drop to 83º in here till 8 PM. Between 12:30 and 5:30 was so uncomfortable that all I could do was lay around in my underwear doing nothing but reading. To make matters worse, there was hardly any breeze present.

Three days of dieting and where am I? Same old, same old, of course, at the 127 pounds I’ll never get under. At least I’m saving money. Still, I looked at the scale as it read 127 and was like, why? Why can’t I lose just one more pound? Just one more! I sure am curious as to what’s holding the weight on.

Tom got a call for an interview tomorrow morning at a place that makes T-shirts which he says he has a positive feeling about. Well, I hope he’s now psychic because I seem to have lost my ability since we came here as if that was the price I had to pay to survive and escape the sick assholes that legally screwed me in order to get to Oregon.

In other good news, he got a winning lotto ticket for $10.

For the millionth time, I just want him to get a full-time job that doesn’t run him ragged, that’s permanent, and that has benefits so we can get the show on the road!!! He thinks we can have the shed up by late August if he gets this job, even though it too, is minimum wage. Oh, how I look forward to sleeping on something solid and having more room!

Thursday, July 22, 2004

Yes, whatever’s cursing my sleep is going to have me wake up for no reason when it runs out of things to use to get me up, and that’s just what happened this morning. As always, it was after 4 hours of sleep. I had to take a Benadryl to get back to sleep, which I did until the heat woke me up at 11 AM, shortly before he came back from his interview.

They say they’ll let him know by Tuesday. In other words, he didn’t get the job. He said he would’ve liked to work there, despite the lousy hours and lack of benefits because it was a small family-owned business he thinks he could work his way up in. The more appealing the job sounded to him, the more I doubt he’ll get it because once again, not many people get the jobs they really want. You just gotta take what you can get.

So anyway, I woke up a bit irritated due to the broken-up sleep and the fact that he never shuts up on the road unless he’s tired himself. On the road, I just like to veg out in my own little world and stare at the scenery, but as usual, he likes to be different, so he chats away.

Realizing that there’s no way a lunch consisting of pork fried rice and egg foo young could be over 1000 calories, I decided to go to the Chinese place once every week or two. It was good, though I got full fast because my stomach has shrunk due to the calorie cut.

We also stopped at the mail place.

We went to a dollar store that was just so-so. I got a new pair of scissors since ours are so blunt, and a caramel-apple candle. As hot as it’s been I’m not going to light it till after dark.

We also went to a gift shop by Pizza Hut and the library where I took a dump (I like it when we can stink up someone else’s bathroom and keep the shit from filling up our tank faster). At the gift shop, I got 4 wind chimes for just $19. Her prices were wonderful. I got a tiny one in the RV and the rest outside. Tom drilled hooks into the screen room’s metal support bars and I have a total of 5 hanging in there. I’d like to get a couple more sometime, plus this colorful thing that spins in the wind and reflects lots of colors.

Friday, July 23, 2004

Due to the ferocious heat, we spent the day out. When we returned at 7:30, it was still 87º in here. I’m sure it hit 90º or higher at around 3 or 4 PM. Right before noon, which was when we left, it was already 85º.

Last night there was a spider in here that wasn’t very big, but not very small either. I hope it was a fluke, seeing how we’ve only seen one other spider in here the whole time we’ve been here.

Anyway, we went to Pizza Hut first, which might’ve been a mistake. Although I couldn’t eat as much as I usually do, I feel like it put 3 pounds on me!

We stopped at the library to check their phonebook for any doll shops but found none.

Since it was right next door, I stopped in at the place where I got the wind chimes to see if the colorful spiral was there. Next weekend, she said.

I did laundry while he filled out another application in case the T-shirt place doesn’t call him. Since they probably don’t have benefits, they just might call. If not, I hope somebody, somewhere will give him a full-time, permanent job that won’t kill him! We’re tired of waiting for things that just don’t seem to be happening! We’ve been here over a month yet he still doesn’t have a full-time, permanent job, still no permits, no shed, etc.

We at least looked at sheds at Home Depot and there’s a chance we may get a kit. He took a few brochures that were in potential sheds to study. Of course the biggest, nicest one had to be nearly 2 grand! They come primed, so when we paint the house, we can paint the shed to match. I was thinking of a peach color, since all Tom and I have ever lived in so far are blue houses.

We also looked at floor and carpet samples for the house, light fixtures, tubs, sinks, countertops, doors, etc. It’s nice to know I get to pick these things out myself at some point! What we did get was a pressure-treated post for mounting the satellite on that bugs won’t devour, a clothesline, and tarps to put outside the RV windows to try to keep it from getting to be a sauna in here.

Nothing exciting in the mail except for a Tum’s sample for Tom and a coupon for a free sample of flavored water which is actually quite good. I got kiwi-strawberry.

We checked out another dollar store, but it was pretty similar to the other one.

Our last stop was at the storage place where I got most of my Barbies. I kind of missed them. I left the more expensive ones in fancy gowns, so all but maybe 10 of them came back to make the cute (yet safe since they’re vinyl) decorations they make.

Tomorrow, assuming it’s still going to be too hot to hang around here, we’re going to check out some yard sales.

Saturday, July 24, 2004

Today was definitely the hottest day since we’ve been here. When we returned at 3:00, it was 91º in here and dead calm. There was no breeze to relieve us at all, and the humidity was so Massachusetts-like. It clouded up big time and we hoped it would storm, but it’s like we were being teased because it didn’t storm till after dark when it started cooling down anyway. I think it pretty much rains at night for the most part during the summers here.

I’m leaving the ceiling vents open later tonight to try to get it cooler in here to prevent it from getting as hot tomorrow. I had said I hoped it would get hotter to make the nights more comfortable, but I don’t know about that one because we can heat, but we can’t cool.

We’re going to quit going in and out after dark as we’ve been getting spiders and moths in here. Better yet, we’re going to bomb this dump.

Will this be the week he gets a full-time, permanent job? God, I hope so! It’s like God, just give us a fucking break already!

Tom says I look skinnier, but as I tell him, it’s all psychological because the scale still says 127.

Anyway, we were out at yard sales. I was surprised to find something at all 3 of the ones we stopped at. For $10, I got a coat for the winter and colorful socks with toe inserts sort of like a glove. At another, I got a short-sleeve palm tree print lounger/pool cover-up for $3. At the one by the storage place, I got an adorable pair of dolls for $10. They’re a boy and girl set, believe it or not, that is oh-so-cute. They have their eyes closed and their lips set in a kiss. You set them up kissing, sitting on a swing with flowers. I wasn’t impressed with the swing, though, so I cut them off of it. They wear matching outfits with the boy in pants, obviously, and the girl in a dress. A little dark and old-fashioned, but cute nonetheless. They’re both strawberry blondes with the boy in short hair and the girl in long tube curls. I’d say they’re about 10” from head to toe. I was just going to refer to them as swing kids in my doll chart, but since I cut the swing out, I thought James and Jamie sounded good. They go well together. I’d never have believed it if I knew I’d one day have a boy doll! For cheapies, they really are cute.

We don’t think we’ll be able to haul a big shed up here in the truck because its pieces are too big, so we may end up getting two smaller ones that are 8x8.

When we got back, Tom drove the post into the ground for the satellite and got that set up a few feet from the RV. It’s going to be nice having a permanent setup once again and not having to have the damn thing attached to the RV. He brought the satellite PC into the trailer and ran a wire through the wall out to the dish.

I decorated this dark drab RV with about 20 Barbies. They really make for cute, colorful decorations. Most of them are hanging by an arm from cabinet handles.

So, there are apparently two different kinds of firs and two different kinds of pines around here. We have one of each.

It seems to be the opposite of Maricopa here. Rather than being windy during the daytime and calm at night, it’s pretty still around here till sundown, though when it’s windy here, it’s not nearly as windy as it was in Maricopa. Sometimes we hear pinecones and needles falling onto the roof.

Sunday, July 25, 2004

Although there’s still a lot of good to this little excursion, it’s hot, uncomfortable days like this that get me pissed off at the folks, bro, sis and God. God hates me and there’s no denying it. Never once have they been put out in the ways that I have. Never once were they forced to live with low-life welfare bums. Never once have they struggled financially, etc. They got to stay in places they were happy in for years without the constant uprooting I’ve been forced to endure on account of various circumstances. I’m just as much the black sheep of the family now as I was as a kid. They’re all living in luxury while I’m suffering in this hot, still, humid heat that’s going to see no end in sight anytime soon. Life’s been handed to them on a silver platter and I’m like why, why, why? Why was I doomed for such a lack of stability and insecurity? Why did I have to have such lousy neighbors so much of the time? Why was I forbidden to experience true lust? It’s like I spend my time groping and grasping at nothing, and when I do manage to grasp whatever it is I grasped, it slips away from me in no time. It’s like, fuck this shit! It’s a never-ending cycle of bullshit!

It’s going to be in the high 80s all week, which means it’ll be in the low 90s in here if we don’t think of something quick. Especially if he gets a job by some miracle. If he doesn’t, then I can go into town with him while he hopelessly fills out applications. It’s his age that’s hindering him, I think. The world was meant for the young, skinny and rich, and in some cases, the Mexicans and blacks.

There are storm clouds everywhere now. The problem is, it doesn’t usually rain till after dark, so all it does is up the humidity. We slept with windows open last night for the first time to try to make it cold in here to prevent it from getting too hot, but it never cooled down last night!

It’s so, so obvious that something up there has it in for us and wants to see us put out and made to be very uncomfortable. So much for the better life I so foolishly hoped to have here!

Monday, July 26, 2004

Today’s been a stark contrast to yesterday – much more comfortable and with great news! He got called and informed that he was hired for a job that he’s to start the day after tomorrow!!! But not at the T-shirt place like he thought he’d be hired at. It’s at that MCX that makes computer cables. It’ll be from 7:30 AM-3:30 PM at $7.35 an hour. What a load of stress this takes off us! We may even do hotels at times when it’s really hot and so we can have real bathrooms, even though they’re noisy as hell. I would’ve preferred for him to get a second shift job, but just to have a permanent, full-time job with benefits is good enough for us, and we know for sure that this place does have benefits. I just hope it doesn’t take months for them to kick in so I don’t have to wait too long to get my teeth filled. If it comes down to it, we’ll just pay full price for it if it gets that bad.

To celebrate, we went cruising around at various stores, and even to Klamath Lake. Man are there lots of little white flies in that area! And the water’s yucky too, though it was still cool to see it. I miss the beach! I really do. But at two hours to the California coast, we’ll get there soon enough.

We went to Pizza Hut, and I also got a side of ribs by the Bonanza junction a few hours later. That’s okay, though, as I’ll be dieting a lot harder than I have been now that he’s got a job. Why? Because the less we take from the food budget, the faster we get that grand saved up, and the faster we get our allowance money! He’ll put all of his towards the house, no doubt, but me? I gotta have some fun and start getting some of these damn dolls I’ve been wanting for ages!

Anyway, he went for a drug screening today, but fortunately for him, he was spared the humiliation of having someone gawk at him while he peed.

We checked out this way cool, comfortable purple office chair in Staples today that I’ll definitely want for the house, plus printers at Walmart. It does look like it’ll be a better deal to get their cheapest printer every time my ink runs out, rather than new cartridges.

We looked at both indoor and outdoor plants at Home Depot. They have a better selection than I thought they would.

Amazingly, no one has small, cheap window ACs. They’re all selling like crazy due to the heat, though today wasn’t nearly as hot as we thought it’d be. That’s because right after my last entry, we were happily surprised by a hailstorm that cooled things down really fast. Plus, I left the windows open really late.

We also stopped at Rite-Aid so I could see if they had any figurines worth painting, but they were dull. Instead, I got a new metallic pink hairbrush and a 4-pack of small cologne bottles. I got peach, Hawaiian ginger, cool showers and tropical dream.

We also picked up some rat food, chemicals for the holding tank, bug spray and bug bombs. We’ll bomb tomorrow before we leave. Tomorrow, we’re going to Klamath Falls again, and even to Beatty to check out their motel and laundry. This isn’t a chain of any kind. It’s owned by a person and there are only about 4 rooms there in this little strip.

Tuesday, July 27, 2004

Today was hotter than yesterday, though not as bad as Sunday because it was pretty dry.

We spent nearly $500 today, but it was on things we needed like new tires for the truck, a huge battery, an inverter, and a long, heavy metal pole with a pointy end for ramming through these rocks. As soon as we ever get the land deed, we can finish digging the test holes.

Anyway, now I can run the small portable EC when Tom’s at work without having to start the generator.

We decided on Friday for our laundry and grocery day. At least until we get a washer. That means he’ll have to come back and get me, go back to Klamath Falls, then back again when we’re done. That is unless we end up doing it in Beatty or he does it himself after work. We did one small load of laundry today and a quick grocery run. They have these awesome clear, flavored sodas with 0 calories, carbs, caffeine, sugars or sodium. The white grape is delicious. I also got kiwi-strawberry and strawberry-banana.

Now’s when I’m going to really eat like a bird. The less I eat, the more money will be left over to go towards the grand we want to get saved up. Until we do, I get $10 a week to play with, plus half the grocery savings. Once we get the grand, we’ll get $100 each a month, though he’ll no doubt put his towards the house, plus we’ll split the grocery savings.

For now, since there won’t be much money to play with, I’ll save up for less expensive things. For one, I may order retail from now on when I get incense since even 50 20-packs would simply be too much. It’d lose its freshness and potency long before I could burn it all. So, for $36.75, rather than $50 or more, I’ll get 25 of my 50 favorites, then the other 25 the next time I order, and rotate back and forth. It keeps the scents special when I don’t smell them every day anyway.

Another thing about going retail is that I’ll qualify for their monthly drawings if they’re still having them, though I doubt I’d win. Besides, if I did, it’d probably be something I wouldn’t want like a 19” burner or a smoking bottle.

There are also things like perfume at Walmart, this $50 redheaded Tyler doll I like, a $25 Barbie in a gorgeous magenta gown, etc. No $100 - $300 dolls till we get the grand saved and I have more money to play with.

Tom thinks we can each have $300 a month of play money once we’re in the house. Wow, not even I could spend that much that fast! Especially since by then, I should be caught up on most of the dolls I’ve been wanting which will mean I’ll be getting pretty much only new ones as they appear by that time.

I got two tampon samples in the mail, totaling 8 tampons. That’ll do a whole period!

Wednesday, July 28, 2004

Tom’s first day of work was okay. He said the people are chatty, but mostly amongst themselves and not with him. Good, I told him. Silence is golden. It really is. The quickest way for people to start shit with you is when you talk. Even the most innocent statement can be turned upside down, inside out, and totally thrown in your face. Of course, sometimes you have to talk, but I wouldn’t want to unless it was absolutely necessary. The benefits don’t kick in for 90 days so I’m going to hope my teeth can make it that long.

Of course, his family’s been too selfish to care and too wrapped up in their own little world, as usual, to bother to take the time to either call or email us to see how we’ve been.

To my surprise, I’ve been holding steady at 127 pounds for over a week now. I won’t say that dream saying I could lose weight once we moved was right, but was it really wrong? Was the evil that haunted the place connected to me retaining weight? I haven’t held down at 127 this long for over two years. I could do it for a day, but that’s about it. Also, there were a few days I had 1500-2000 calories too, yet I still held it down.

It got up to 88º in here today, and although that was hotter than I’d like, it was Arizona-dry so it wasn’t too bad. Tomorrow’s to be the same, then it’s to rain over the weekend, then to drop drastically with highs of only around 80º.

Thursday, July 29, 2004

Another hot and dry one out there, but not as hot as yesterday. We left the windows open overnight to cool it down more so it wouldn’t get up to 88º like it did yesterday. It’s currently 84º in here so it could peak at 86º.

The last time it rained, the front skylight leaked again, but I said – fuck it! Let it leak. I ain’t playing Leak and Bucket anymore!

When he gets home in a couple of hours, we’re going to go to Beatty to see if we can do our laundry there and stay in their motel once a week, if it’s cheap and if I can hear myself think. I’m not going to pay $40 to listen to a series of slams and bangs.

Not surprisingly, I haven’t fallen under 127 pounds, but surprisingly, I’ve been down at it for nearly two weeks now. But WHY can’t I get under 127??? What is it about my body that makes the scale hit 127, then say, “Nope! I’m not going to drop one more pound.” There’s got to be something keeping the weight on as I doubt whatever haunted the Maricopa land followed us here if there was ever a connection in the first place as to why I suddenly lost my ability to lose weight. That was a territorial kind of spirit. Either way, I know I’ll always be big yet it does have its pros. No one gawks at a chubby 38-year-old in public.

It’s 10 days before my period, so that means I’ll be on the rag for two weeks, even if I’ll only be spotting for the next 10 days. I’m so sick of this shit! Why can’t I just bleed when I’m scheduled to?

Later…

I’m also sick of having to move 20 things just to get to one thing. We’re living like total welfare bums here! I thought about the shed and realized that with barely more than a bed and a porta-pisser in it, it’ll be just like being in a jail cell all over again, but that’s ok because I’ll be able to come and go as I please, I won’t have any crazy, rude, begging, loud cellies, and I can go shopping!

Speaking of shopping, I decided, and Tom agreed, to get a guinea pig soon! I realized that now was an ideal time because it’d be in a place where its screams couldn’t wake me up and its odors wouldn’t be bothersome. They don’t stink nearly as bad as mice, but they do give off this musty odor that’s not too pleasant. I’m going to hope I can put it in with the rats, but we think they’ll try to attack it, so it’ll probably get tanked. They don’t need much room anyway and they can’t jump and climb like rats can. We’ll probably get it not this Saturday, but next Saturday.

We went to Beatty, and no, they don’t do laundry. Meanwhile, we ate at their café and agreed it wasn’t that great. Oh well. You investigate to learn these things. I definitely don’t want to stay in their motel either. I’m sure it’d be quite maddening.

Meanwhile, we discussed the possibility of renting a house during the snowiest parts of the winter if it does get that bad up here, and while variety sounds nice, as well as taking a few months off from the long drives and going where we could send/receive mail, I don’t know if I want to live that close to people. They may not be such animals here what with the climate and all, but if there was a house relatively close to us, God would use that as an opportunity to put the noisiest people next to us that’d be outside a lot no matter how cold it got. I learned that if you give a cursed area any ammo, it will strike!

Anyway, we’re not going to begin any work on the house till next spring in March or April. For now, we’ll just concentrate on the permits, septic and sheds. Michael better get that damn land deed to us and not make it our responsibility to get it to us. That’s what we’re paying him to do, though we know he has to go through the county, and if the county fucks up or takes their sweet time, it wouldn’t be his fault.

Friday, July 30, 2004

Well, today’s the day. There was something evil connected to why I couldn’t lose weight over the last few years, and the dream people, whoever they are, were right with their message about it being connected to the evil that haunted our old land. I’m just glad no evil lurks here!

Anyway, I weighed in at 126 pounds when I got up today! Actually, the scale first said 125, and I thought to myself, I must still be half asleep. That can’t be right. So I stepped on it a few more times and it read 126 so I’m taking it at that.

I feel more than ever that it really was the evil interfering because after losing weight as many times as I have in my life, I knew I didn’t just suddenly forget how to lose weight. This also rules out something being wrong like diabetes or a thyroid problem because that wouldn’t just go away and magically fix itself.

What’s weird is that I haven’t been dieting that hard. Only on days, I don’t go out.

I changed my mind about the guinea pig. I just figured I had enough responsibilities, they shed like hell, and it’d be one more thing to have to make room for. Space is rather precious to us now.

It cooled down to the point that it didn’t hit 80º till 12:30 and even now, coming up on 2:30, it’s only 82º. It’s clouding up a bit out there. We’ll be in for rain soon enough.

According to what I read, hunting season in Oregon begins mid-August, so we’ll see how noisy it is compared to Maricopa. Despite all the trees, I don’t expect it to be peaceful. Especially from inside a shed or a single-paned RV.

I was thinking I might check out the used bookstores in Klamath Falls when I need more books and trade my old books in for credit, since doing book lots doesn’t seem very profitable. If they were romance they would be, but I like mysteries. I know the library would be free, but I don’t like the time frames they have.

Speaking of books, we stopped by unit one’s well to see if we could find a number to call about buying into it, and well, there wasn’t a number, but there was a bookcase full of romance paperbacks. How I wish romance was my favorite thing to read! They’re everywhere. Of course, the characters are straight, too.

Later…

I moved the rats into the RV, believe it or not since it shouldn’t be too many more weeks before I’m in the shed. I figured that just because I don’t always sleep so well in here, why put them out?

I barely have room to sit on the floor in here and no bouncing room at all, so I’ll be doing my aerobic bounce in the screen room. I just can’t bounce to music if the weather isn’t nice enough to put the laptop by an open window, but it’s only temporary, so I don’t mind.

Tom’s back to thinking it’d be a lot cheaper to buy the parts for the sheds rather than the kits, although it’ll be more building time.

[message-from-the-deep]

I can't believe that I am this close to entering the career that I always wanted to enter and now I'm going to back up I don't know if it's the time or the moment or the situation for me to start to study another career again computer engineering at this present time I have almost 38 years going to have a kid have a job that is almost 10 hours long and then at the evenings I teach philosophy that's a lot that's a big meal on my plate and I'm not sure if I can handle it on top of that I also have to work in the church I got to I got to do my Deacon work and also preach and so on and I have on top of all of that I have to wash the dishes now and then but I think I could have time or maybe not I'm not sure if that's what I really want if I do I really want to be a computer engineer do I really want to be a programmer I have my doubts again I always helped out can't believe I'm again in this position but I got to make a choice I'm going to decide if I want to keep with this shenanigan or do I just settle for what I have been doing since a few years ago. If if I would have been happy by starting off on becoming a programmer if I would have continued with that would I be happy today that's one of my doubts if I would have continued with that I would have become a really good programmer and have a really great job because I had a lot of advantage when I started I started off young programming then I I went crazy I went insane and I went to study something else totally different thinking that I was too good for programming and that I didn't want to do some interfaces thinking that it's really shallow programming I felt I lost respect for computer programming that's why I deviated so much and then also I was trying to discover or explore if humanity was something for me if writing the Lost fee literature I don't know if any of that was for me did I answer any of my questions I haven't all this time I have just been wondering from one thing to another and never really committed to anything what is going to be for me I just received the email that I can start classes next week next week which means 4 days 5 days from today today is the 16th and classes would start the 21st of August and I don't know how I would keep up with all of that I'm not really sure if I could if I do it when I go crazy would I have time to teach also philosophy the thing that I just started this week is too much it's just so much I had a nightmare last night I think it's because of all the stress that I don't handle correctly I think it's that I'm I'm also getting a little bit distracted no I was I was worried because I received the news that last night they stole they stole our cousins house which is where our neighbors they live very close and yeah I kind of got worried about it so I hope nothing bad happens because of that but anyways I've been a little bit stressed because I have to decide I don't want to get her mad and I am going to leave the engineering classes but I don't know maybe I will stay I got to think about it over and out

[rokurookajima]

thank you so much for the tag kat!!! also to you AND nightmare - i am so honored and grateful to make the favorites list!! i can die happy if metalbanders and ratatouille style are my LEGACY (and thank god for the ratatouille style emojis 🫡)

Words Written:

ok so i actually calculated a ton of variations on my annual words written yesterday JUST because …idk i have OCD? so i have several answers for this i was unexpectedly prepared

so as far as what’s made it to ao3 - 30,768 (39311 counting the fic i finished NEW YEAR’S EVE but didn’t get the chance to final proofread and post)

published + wips that may or may not eventually make it to ao3 (including the rest of claw machine plus a bunch of other stuff and yes it’s all waava): 66,092

work on my original novel (bitter tooth): something around 58,000 (i couldn’t quite remember all the scenes i wrote specifically in 2024, plus i’m constantly adding or subtracting from older scenes so that’s the best estimate i got)

TOTAL: 127,436 (which is.. insanely.. a bit longer than where everything i’ve ever written officially in the bitter tooth canon including actual canon timeline + post canon i b writing for fun)

Smut Scenes:

this is honestly impossible for me to count LMAO let’s assume like .. maybe half of that total word count look i’m not right in the head okay!!!

New Things I Tried:

canon waava!! i mean still “canon” since human form raava and all, but stillll ! back in the day i only ever wrote a couple scenes that never went anywhere taking place during/post beginnings, everything that saw the light of day was metalbanders! writing any type of fantasy or non-modern anything is not rlly my wheelhouse, so i’m excited to finally feel like i cracked writing CANON waava, there’s always been ideas i’ve wanted to do (and y’know…. not naming names but one of them came to fruition in a big way… let’s say it has something to do with a certain rat…..)

Fic I spent the most time on:

definitely claw machine 🙏🏻 which is the longest multi chapter fic i’ve ever written, i’m much more a one shot fanfic guy usually. also insane and worth noting.. i wrote the first 4 chapters and a good maybe 3rd of the 5th in the span of one (1) single week which ive REALLY never cranked out anything that fast. but ive stalled on that mainly bc of getting distracted by other ideas, but also it’s a natural part of the process innit

Fic I spent the least time on:

NO IDEA HOW but i literally wrote and although i was burning in like… an hour? 2 hours tops? i for real feel like i opened google docs, blacked out, and when i came to i had written that whole thing

Favorite Thing I Wrote:

much like kat’s answer, i really am so happy with everything i’ve written this year and tho it is hard to choose favorites…

in reguards to fanfiction, it’s definitely claw machine. metalbanders au is my BABY and i’m sooooo so happy to finally be writing the Big Fic i really wanted to give it 10 years ago but didn’t quite have the skills or drive yet. i’m glad it sat on the back burner til now bc it wouldn’t at all have been what i’ve been able to make it today

as far as bitter tooth (which ik i can only give a super vague answer bc no one even knows what it’s about here lmao), i wrote a lot more for the second half that i’m especially happy with. a scene that sticks out to me is a conversation the main boy (his name is simon he’s very unwell bc unfortunately i gave all my worst qualities to him hehe) has with a girl he meets in the psych ward .. while i was writing that, i the author felt like i was finally putting together some plot points i’d never quite answered for myself to the point it felt like i was actually HAVING this conversation with him and not the one writing it out

Favorite thing I read:

i actually didn’t read much fanfiction until this fall when i deep dived straight back into waava hell so i only have a few but!!

bonded by @katkastrofa - what an absolute masterpiece… i said so much already in a long ass review that lead to me and kat becoming friends which i mean what a blessing first of all. but a fic hasn’t left me in shambles like this in SO long, it made me fully cry in the bathtub while reading it, and just hit so so many things i want in a fic

the darkest sun and the brightest star by @shadelorde - i’m so excited to see where this goes!! it’s off to such an interesting start with a fun mix of serious and humor (vaatu is just such a delightful trip), and it’s the first sunstar i’ve ever read (idk if you invented sunstar fr nightmare but to me, you did) ! and likewise, i’m so happy we met! even if technically it was before i read this, even stillll

nothing lasts forever by queenpersephoneofhades - this was from waava week 2014 which was the first waava week and also the only one i participated in before this year!! i remember reading a few chapters from it back then, but re-found it and reading it start to finish is…. 😮‍💨 oof. a doozy, an absolute gut punch ending. SO good

all of alice’s (@ebonynightwriter) waava week drabbles!! i always enjoy her submissions every year, they’re such good little glimpses into their relationship during & post canon, and sometimes AU

ok also i haven’t read yet but i am VERY excited to deep dive into all of kat & nia’s multiverse fics in the future 🙏🏻

Writing goals for next year:

number 1 .. probably obvious. finish claw machine - there are 3 chapters to go & the next one is just barely shy of being done.

but also i have been spinning so many ideas with kat for various canon waava shenanigans that i’ve already written so many little snippets of, i really would love to turn all of those into something complete. it’s far away, but also i hope to participate in waava week 2025 again! whether writing or drawing. i’m also very very tempted to rewrite my two original metalbanders fics from 2013/2014 (because again.. the ocd…..) - i love them for what they were but ykno ofc my 17/18 year old writing is uhhh pretty different from 28, and especially since they contain a lot of important lore to the au / a lot of references to them in claw machine, there are somethings that don’t quite fit what i’ve decided is officially canon now (and some tones that are off, just y’know they’re 10 years old……)

and ofc…. i wanna keep working on bitter tooth. that is my truest baby, those characters are my literal children, and if i could get it to a point where it can be read from tentative start to tentative finish (i write out of order, so i have scenes written from every plot point through the whole narrative, but as it stands, i don’t think someone else could remotely read through what exists … MAYBE they could follow the plot from what there is, but i don’t think there would be enough gradual build in between to make anyone INVESTED enough y’know). that said… i write bitter tooth all for me babe, i genuinely don’t know if i’d ever publish it if i were to finish it, and idk if i’d ever even let anyone read it all?? BUT FOR ME. and inevitably i’m sure i’ll let friends read it. i want it to be readable which feels potentially feasible for 2025. i’d love to see it COMPLETE but…..i think that’s a 2026 issue. at least

the whole 🗑️🔥 gang is all here, so anyone reading that wants to do this, pls tell ‘em sydney sent you! but also my girly pop… @fenharel-is-so-swell if you wanna talk about your novel!!!!

Year-End Writer's Roundup: 2024 Edition!

thanks so much for the tag @sweetorangepoptart!! i had to wait to actually do this until i finished the last fic i wanted to post for the year, so now it's time for the roundup!

i'm honestly not sure who to tag, so if you see this and you wrote anything this year, feel free to do it and say i tagged you!!

Words written (published or not, WIPs totally count too!!):

let's not even get into my WIPs there's so many lol. going by just published works, i wrote 73,234 words!! honestly crazy to think about!

Smut scenes:

three! all in their own standalone works. doing the math, that means my smut fics alone take up about 1/3 of my words written this year haha

New things I tried:

i've written for lots of ships for the first time this year! in fact, i believe all the ships i wrote for are the first-time ships for me, which is always very exciting

as well, i tried a slightly different writing style than usual in my fic i'm glad i get forever to see where you went. i really enjoyed writing like this, and i can definitely see myself doing it again in the future!

Fic I spent the most time on:

i think that title has to go to my fic Likewise, as it sat half-finished in my drafts for... honestly most of this year i think

Fic I spent the least time on:

i can't say 100% for sure, but i think my fic Something Nice. it was written for yangvik week, and it was quite literally written the same day it was published. i did that several times during the week, but as this one's word count is a bit lower than the others, i think it's most likely the one i spent the least time on

Favorite thing I wrote:

ughhhhh this is like asking me to pick my favorite child. i love them all!! but if i had to choose, i think i need to go with The Push. i am honestly so proud of this fic, and i actually go back and reread it quite frequently. it also became popular beyond my wildest belief, and was sort of my jumpstart into the yangvik ship/fandom. the response to it helped give me the confidence to write seven (and counting!) more yangvik fics!!

Favorite thing I read:

actually this is like having to pick a favorite child. how can i possibly choose when i read not only lots of fic, but lots of good fic?? i've gotta choose multiple lol

anything by my lovely mutual @katkastrofa, i legitimately can't choose any specific one to focus on because they're all so incredibly written! Ruby by KingWuko; i love all your wuko fics but this one in particular gets me every time! and outside of the atla fandom, i've been really enjoying this owl house fic on ao3!

Writing goals for next year:

honestly? just keep writing! writing fanfiction has honestly been incredibly helpful for me while i'm in college. seriously, my mental health is always so much worse when i'm not writing. even if i don't publish it, writing is so good for my brain. so i want to keep up with it as i go into the new year!

i've also worked on a loose writing schedule for the upcoming year - i'm not holding myself to it super strongly but i really am going to try and follow it! it's just a way to help me focus more on individual fics and know when i want to try and finish them. that way i can do things like publishing fics for friends' birthdays and participating in more fandom events!

and last but not least, a semi-writing goal that i have is to host another wonderful yangvik week! the 2024 event was amazing, and since it ended even more people have found it and expressed interest, so i 100% would like to do it again. and if i do it again, this time i'm going to try and write for all seven days! considering i wrote for six last time, it seems pretty manageable lol

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thanks again for the tag! this has been a great writing year for me, and i can't wait to see what 2025 holds!