#I went Taako hunting

[ej-snaps]

Various Taakos + one Lup sighted at Raicon, Spring, 2019

[noodyl-blasstal]

29 with barry!

“I’m only a little dead. It’s not that big of a deal” from Monster Mash Prompts by @juicywritinghoard

Time is a construct (sorry for the delay! I was in deadline hell, and then I wanted it to be good, and then I forgot how to write for a while in there, but @ceilingfan5 reminded me.) Am I done with the vampire AU? Absolutely not (the one below comes first).

__________

Lup had always liked night shifts. They were wrapped in a softness that daylight hours weren’t. Everyone was a bit sleepier, a bit calmer, grateful that they had somewhere to go. When she and Taako blew into town and saw the near-ish all night diner was hiring, they snatched the jobs up. Taako cooked, Lup served, they studied through the lulls, and got at least one square meal per shift (plus whatever Taako could squirrel away into his layered coats and cardigans). It wasn’t like their other work paid well, or at all. Walking home in the early hours had its benefits too; they made sure to take the long way, the less safe way, the dark-alleys-and-unlit-streets way. Better them than someone else - they knew what they were doing, they knew why they were doing it.

Training was quick, Day-Shift-Carole was ‘impressed by their ingenuity’. Lup and Taako were grateful for mass production. Same coffee pot, same griddle, different city. She talked them through the till, the exact place to tap on the days it decided not to open, and the sticky keys that needed coaxing. She talked them through the regulars too, Lup’s favourite was Barry. He came in three nights a week, drank coffee, read books, and took a lot of notes. It turned out that he read about astrophysics, didn’t drink the coffee he ordered, and was definitely a vampire. Lup should have staked him by now. She was going to! That first night, she was going to, but then he’d noticed her looking at his hands (he must have been buffing his nails down every night to hide the points) and thought she was looking at his book instead. To be fair, The Disordered Cosmos was on her to-read list, and she couldn’t exactly kill a guy in the middle of her shift… not front-of-house anyway, so she went with it. May as well get some intel, find out why he was sitting here happy to debate theories and not trying to drink her like a capri sun.

A few hours later she knew about his job teaching astrophysics night classes (of course, could this guy be any more obvious?) at the local college, decided to hunt down his most recent publications to see if he actually knew his stuff, and had mostly forgotten about the whole ‘gonna have to kill him’ thing. She’d even been disappointed to hear the bell jingle across the door to announce another customer. By the time she had settled them and taken their order, Barry was gone, leaving a cold mug full of black coffee and a $20 bill behind.

That was three months ago. She hadn’t told Taako yet, wasn’t quite sure how. His new favourite sport was teasing her about her nerdy ‘boyfriend’ and she didn’t want to ruin that for him. It was important to let him feel joy, so obviously this was purely selfless. Plus, there was no world in which Taako decided that it was cool for her to hang out with a vampire because the dude was willing to spend an hour talking through what exactly here and now referred to and whether here was really the diner or earth or a tiny spec on a telescope some alien was using right now. Taako’d work it out eventually, but for now no one was in danger and Lup had lots to learn. 

Barry stopped in at least four nights a week. He brought her books, recommended articles, and never made her feel like her questions weren’t valuable. She baked him cookies sometimes, just to keep up the facade, it was pretty adorable that he thought he was hiding it well. Barry always took them gratefully and told her how much they’d been enjoyed the next time he was in. She pretended not to notice the careful phrasing. He was polite and courteous, didn’t even look at her ass when she dropped the sugar packets… an increasingly regular occurrence. Obviously it was always an accident, but it was important research to know what his motives were. In fact, in the name of science she should probably slip Barry her number, get a chance to speak to him alone and work out exactly what his deal was. He wasn’t like any of the vampires she’d met before, and okay, he could be playing the long game, but why? He knew her shift patterns, knew her scent by now, could easily track her home. He obviously hadn’t eaten any of the other staff here either - no one had mentioned any abrupt disappearances. He wasn’t a threat.

She and Taako handed over to the early shift staff, shrugged their layers back on, and began the longer-than-necessary walk home. Taako was in the middle of complaining about how much he smelled like the fryer when she heard the crunch of broken glass behind them. Lup kept her walk loose, but glanced to Taako, he gave the slightest nod without breaking stride.

“I’m telling you Lulu, this is not the perfume Taako deserves.” 

“I don’t know, I think it suits you, l’eau de frites. Tres chic!”

Taako gasped in horror at her teasing and replied in kind. Lup laughed casually, but tuned him out as she reached into her oversized coat pocket and eased her hand over the smooth wood of her stake. They were armed, they wouldn’t be harmed. She’d done this so many times, but the anticipation always made her nerves jangle, she fought against the urge to tense up, they had to appear unaware. This was the place she’d do it, the alley was dark and noise from busier streets barely filtered through. A slight crunch of gravel was all the warning she got, but it was enough. She and Taako snapped together like magnets, back to back, eyes cast over the alley. Nothing yet. Lup pressed her tongue against the back of her teeth, desperate to funnel the tension anywhere. She hated the waiting, craved the doing, or at least the satisfaction that came after. They stood stationary, no need to circle and search shadows. They were bait for their own trap, they had something it needed - it would come to them.

It wasn’t long before it showed itself. It burst forward and Lup surged to meet it. The punch glanced off its chin, barely connecting, but it was enough to piss it off. It hissed and snapped at her, stale breath from barely moving lungs ghosted across her face. She adjusted her stance and prepared to swing again, but it was smart enough to dart back before she could attempt a second blow. 

“Magnus!” Called a loud voice as a huge shape dropped from a rusted fire escape, landing heavily. Shit, this didn’t fit the usual mould. It was rare for vampires to work together - more so for them to do anything quite so indelicate. Lup and Taako were used to quiet taunts, violent descriptions of exactly how painful the draining would be, attempts to find some psychological weaknesses to exploit, but not this. What the fuck did ‘Magnus’ mean?

In the silent second of the aftermath, the vampire rushed Taako. Lup should have anticipated it, they both should have. This was gonna come up in training. She winced in sympathy as Taako’s back hit the ground, relieved that his head stopped short of the wall. An incapacitated meal was easier to chug than one that was fighting back, and unconscious under a hungry vampire wasn’t the place to be. Taako just had to keep himself un-chomped long enough for her to stake it properly, and he could manage that. He had to manage that.

Lup was about to lunge forward when a blur smashed into the vampire, knocking it clear of Taako. Shit. Surely food wasn’t scarce enough that vampires needed to fight over it? If they were hungry they’d be less careful, but they’d also be prepared to take more risks… At least the infighting had given Taako long enough to get back on his feet.

“Yet another fight over Taako. At least they have taste.”

“Shut up, Goofus.” Lup didn’t bother looking at him, because if her eyes weren’t tricking her the fire escape acrobat had just rushed into the middle of a vampire fight at distinctly human speed.

“Dude, get out of there!” She started forward, Taako moving with her. What did this idiot think he was doing?

“Lup, run, you need to get out of here! Go!” The second vampire yelled in a familiar voice. Far too familiar a voice. Shit. Maybe Taako wouldn’t notice…

“Hold the fuck on, is that space nerd?” Taako said, slowing to a stop and staring intently at Lup.

“No?” Nailed it. Perfect denial.

“Lulu, is Barold a vampire? A vampire whom you conveniently haven’t mentioned to me? Have you been putting off ashing this dude so you could talk science? Endangering your dear brother’s life, so you can chat comets, blather about Barlow’s Lens, gossip about the galaxy? All while I stood innocently by, pre-seasoned in the kitchen…”

“No!” Lup repeated. Trying and failing to inject more indignation. Okay, so maybe she did enjoy his company and Barry had seemed harmless. Why was it a problem for him to come to the cafe and chat a few nights a week? Taako wasn’t in any danger and it was educational. A cultural exchange! They hadn’t met such a lucid vampire before, it’d be a waste to jump to immediate murderation. Although right now harmless didn’t seem entirely accurate as he punched the other vampire hard in the face and knocked him back.

“Oh, you already know Barry? I’m Magnus.” Said the tall guy, waving quickly before he grabbed the stunned vampire and trapped his arms behind his back.“Are you both okay? This stuff is pretty scary.”

Taako turned slowly to Lup, eyebrow raised. Lup waved anyway. Magnus seemed nice, there was no need to be rude.

Magnus held the struggling vampire firmly in place. Unable to get free, the vampire eyed Barry and snarled out “Barry, you absolute fuck, what are you doing with them?”

“Oh shut up, Archibald. Stop trying to eat nice people.” Barry didn’t seem to take any pleasure in it, but slammed the stake home with an unpleasant squelch.

Magnus didn’t let go as the vampire’s form started to crack, fissures opening across pallid skin showing the curdled burgundy light within. He’d done this before then, they knew to wait. The cracks widened and the vampire thrashed again, hands scrabbling towards its chest, but Magnus didn’t let up. 

“Fuck you.” It hissed at Barry before the light sloshed free, dissipating as it hit the ground, leaving only charring chunks of flesh behind. Barry sighed and nudged them with his toe until they crumbled. 

Magnus grinned toothily, pure joy radiated from him despite the streaks of grime on his face and the ragged cut on his arm - who came hunting in a sleeveless shirt? “Another win for Team Bagnus! High five!”

Barry looked like there was a strong possibility he might be sick. “Magnus, bud, not right now. These two have just found out vampires are real…”

Taako made a loud buzzer noise to cut Barry off.

“0 points for you, space nerd. Lup, you said this guy was smart, I thought that was why you liked him. Was it actually just for his ass? I’m shocked. You were so obsessed with his body you didn’t even realise he was dead. I can’t believe my sister’s so shallow.”

Lup was going to murder him. Maybe she could think Taako got bit during the attack, if he was possibly a vampire she couldn’t be blamed for staking him a bit... She settled for elbowing him instead. “Shut up, Goofus! I knew he was a vampire.”

“Didn’t deny staring at his ass though. Interesting.” 

Lup exhaled hard and decided violence was definitely the only way to counter violence. It didn’t have to be true to hurt.

“It’s okay Taako, I’m sure Magnus already knows he’s very handsome, there’s no need to show off for him.” Taako’s strangled screech was enough to assure her that she had at least a few moments to try and talk to Barry.

“So… er, you, uhm, you knew about vampires?” 

“We hunt vampires, Barry.” Lup doesn’t mean for it to sound so gentle, so questioning, but the thought of staking Barry hasn’t been in her head for weeks now. Fuck, was this a ‘he’s not like other boys’ situation? He’s not like other vampires, he’s different! He might be undead and have finger claws and I just watched him kill someone, but I think he’s special… 

Magnus barreled into the introspection. 

“Cool! Us too! Fuck ‘em.”

“Kemosabe, half of you are vampires.” Taako was still flushed around the tips of his ears, but had recovered the power of speech.

“You worked that out, then?” Barry looked at the floor and shuffled his feet.

“Worked it out? Barold, my guy, my dude… you only come in at night, you teach night classes, you don’t ever drink anything, you’re pale as fuck, and you sometimes forget to breathe.” Lup couldn’t help it, did he think he was doing a good job of hiding it? She’d clocked him within minutes.

“I was always this colour!” Barry said indignantly.

“Of course you were.” Taako said, rolling his eyes.

“Look, I’m only a little dead, it’s not a big deal. I haven’t eaten either of you…”  Taako snorted. “...or anyone else for that matter!” Barry continued valiantly.

“He really hasn’t.” Magnus added. “Scout’s honour!” He threw up the three fingered salute.

“How’s that possible?” Lup asked.

“Has anyone explained grounding to you?” 

“If someone had would I be asking these questions, Barry?”

“Yeah… yeah, that makes sense. Sorry Lup. Okay. I have to get inside, but do you both want to come to the institute? We can give you breakfast and explain. Well, Magnus can, I’ll probably be out soon.”

“Just to clarify there, Barold, we…” Taako paused, glared hard at Lup, and continued. “...I, just found out you’re a vampire and you’d like us to come over for waffles and a chat, and definitely not getting eaten?”

“Yeah.” Magnus replied. “That’s basically it.”

“Alright, we’ll come.” Lup said. Fuck it. She’d been with Barry every day for over a month. If he wanted to eat her he’d have done it by now. 

“We’ll fucking what, sorry?” Taako asked.

“Great! Glad you’re both coming! I think we’re gonna be friends.” Said Magnus, grabbing Taako round the shoulders and walking towards the mouth of the alley. Taako ducked under his arm and spun on his heel to march back towards Lup.

“We’re not too far from home.” Said Barry mildly. He nodded encouragingly and jogged ahead to walk at Magnus’ side, crossing paths with Taako as he stormed towards Lup.

“Have you lost your entire mind?” Taako hissed as he grabbed Lup’s shoulder to stop her from following. “You wanna take his space class, so now you don’t think vampires are dangerous anymore?” He grabbed her right arm and pulled her sleeve back to gesture at the small white ridges on her forearm. “Do I have to fucking remind you?”

Lup pulled her arm back quickly. That was a low blow. She knew Taako was worried about her, that was the only reason he’d bring this up, but it didn’t stop the sting of old wounds - literal and metaphorical.

“Look, have you ever met one of them that behaved like him?” She gestured at Barry’s retreating back. “He teaches a class, has a job, sits in the diner all night, hasn’t hurt anyone. Hasn’t even looked likely to. So forgive me if I want to find out more about what the fuck is going on. I thought you believed in evidence based practice? We’ve got some new evidence, so now we’d better do some research so we can amend our practice if needed. Or are you going to be a shit scientist and just keep doing what you’ve always done?” 

Taako looked like he was going to fight, sucked in the breath to, then deflated. “Yeah. Fine. Academic rigour. Whatever. But if you get us killed I’ll haunt your ghost so hard.”

[liltaz-asatreat]

Day 28 of @taznovembercelebration : Large, vampire

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Kravitz’s zune rings, and he throws his book down onto the bed next to him and scrambles to pick it up. He checks the caller ID, and the tension that has been building inside him for the past day leaves him somewhat. He hits the answer button and puts the zune up to his ear. “Taako! Love, what happened? You never called yesterday; I was getting worried.”

He can hear Taako laugh a little breathily on the other end of the line. “Yeah, I did goof on that, but you know how adventuring is. Listen... I have to tell you something really important, but promise you won’t get upset.” He says with a hint of a quiver in his voice.

Oh no. “I mean... that’s going to depend- Hold on. First things first, are you safe?” Kravitz asks, biting his lip.

There’s a pause. “Yeah, I am now,” Taako says. “But uh... some really bad shit went down... very badly, and I’m sort of... different? Now?”

Kravitz continues to gnaw on his lip worriedly. “Different how? What’s going on?”

“I accidentally... sort of... became semi-immortal again,” Taako says in a strained voice.

Kravitz takes a beat before slowly bringing his hand up to pinch the bridge of his nose. “What- How do you accidentally become semi-immortal, Taako?”

“Well, I uh... I was in this large cave because I got hired to clear it out, and there may have been a few more vampires than I was expecting, and maybe I should have gotten back up before trying to take all of them on, and maybe I should have used a spell slot, but it hasn’t been a year yet, and I wasn’t about to lose the bet.” Taako explains.

Kravitz is stunned into shocked silence. “You... Let me get this straight.”

“Kind of hard to do that for you and me specifically,” Taako jokes, and Kravitz groans.

“This isn’t... This isn’t a great time for jokes, babe. You went into a cave full of vampires, by yourself, and you got turned into a vampire, because you didn’t want to use a spell slot, so you can get a back rub?” Kravitz says incredulously.

“Well when you put it like that, it seems a little more ridiculous than the reality of the situation-” Taako begins, but Kravitz cuts him off.

“Babe, this is just as ridiculous as it sounds! This is serious! Why didn’t you call before going into the cave? You know that’s my entire job!”

“By the time I realized I was in over my head, I didn’t have a chance to call you because I was a little busy fighting for my life!”

“Without using magic? You’re a wizard! I would have forgiven you using magic in that context, bet be damned!” Kravitz says, jumping up from the bed.

“For one, I’m a ranger now, not a wizard,” Taako says hotly.

“Rangers cast spells too!” Kravitz says, bordering on yelling.

“For two,” Taako continues, ignoring him, “it all worked out in the end... somewhat... I mean, I’m still here and kicking. I’m just a little colder to the touch now and have some kick ass fangs.”

“You died!” Kravitz is on the verge of frustrated tears. “You’re an undead being now! I’m the Grim Reaper! It’s my job to hunt undead people down- We literally had this problem before The Raven Queen granted you clemency for dying eight times!”

“And I’m sure she’d be understanding because I’m Taako from TV, savior of all of existence, emissary of Istus, and also I’ve been dating you for over ten years.” Taako says.

Kravitz sinks back onto the bed. He puts his face in his hand and takes a minute to calm down. “Goddess I really hope so, Taako. I can’t...” He sighs. “I love you, you know that?”

“Yeah, babe, I know,” Taako says quietly.

There’s another pause. “I’m going to work this out with her, I promise. For now... Where are you? I’m going to bring you home.”

“I’m in a cave outside of Rockport in the Teeth. I’ll drop you a pin in Fantasy Google Maps.” Taako pauses. “Can we at least go collect the gold I was promised before we head home? Also, if you could bring... blood I guess? Like, any blood because I’m starving.”

Kravitz sighs again. “Yeah, I’ll stop by the butcher’s and see what I can grab for you.”

“Thank you, babe.”

“Okay, I’ll see you-”

“Oh, son of a bitch!”

“What?” Kravitz asks in confusion.

“I’m not going to be able to eat food anymore! What am I supposed to do if I can’t enjoy my own cooking? This isn’t fair!” Taako whines, and Kravitz bursts out laughing.

“Wait, so I may end up having to bring you in to see The Raven Queen because you’re a vampire now, and the thing you’re concerned about is that you can’t eat food anymore?” Kravitz asks incredulously.

“Yeah, I mean, I know you’re going to be able to work something out. You always do, but we can’t work out how I’m going to eat tacos again!” Taako says in frustration, and Kravitz laughs again.

“I’m sure we can work something out eventually, love. Okay, I’ll see you soon.” Kravitz says.

“See you. I love you, babe.”

“Love you too.” Kravitz hears a click, and the line goes dead.

Goddess please don’t kill either of them. On the bright side though, if his goddess chooses to let this be, at least Kravitz doesn’t have to worry about Taako dying on him in the future due to old age. As long as he’s careful, he can live just as long as him, Lup, and Barry. Kravitz smiles at that thought as he grabs his scythe. Maybe this could work out for the better after all.

[mollymauk-teafleak]

Something Sweet

If you guys have been here a while, you saw this coming. TAZ came back and it just made a perfect storm.

cw: trans pregnancy

Please consider leaving a comment if you enjoyed this over on Ao3!

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Kravitz was used to coming home to chaos in the kitchen.

He was used to opening the door to crashing of pans, rattling of lids, bubbling that sounded like the roaring of disgruntled dragons, even the flash and bellow of leaping flames. Sometimes in different colours. He was used to smells that sent him back to other sides of the planet, even other planes, billowing out of their enormous kitchen. And above everything, he was used to music. He was used to loud, off-key singing to cheesy disco tunes or, more recently, blaring classical music after Taako had promised to listen to some of his husband’s favourites.

Kravitz was used to coming home to noise. In fact, he searched for it, reached towards it like you leant towards a fire when you were cold, back when he used to do those things. Out there, it was quiet movements, hunting and being hunted, lungs dead and heart still, the envy of any predator. Until someone pounced.

But here at home the noise was like a shield, a blanket Kravitz could wrap around himself and feel safe and human under. It was the sign that he could breathe, whether he needed to or not.

Which was why it felt so totally and completely bone-deep wrong when Kravitz materialised on his own front porch and heard silence.

Frowning, he let his robes and scythe dissolve into shadow, tucking them away wherever it went when he didn’t need it. He’d never worried about understanding the particulars of his magic, it was borrowed after all. Part of Kravitz thought that being out of his reaper form, back in the comfortable clothes, that would snap everything back to normal. The muffled music would come flooding in, he’d hear his husband’s gorgeously off key song, smell cardamom or turmeric or garlic and everything would be okay again. A silly thought, but he was still disappointed when it didn’t happen.

Kravitz could open a rift right into their home of course. But he liked the moment when he got to push the door back and call out that he was home, feeling the wash of relief it brought him and, he hoped, Taako. He certainly felt like he could see it in his eyes when his elf would come running.

“Darling? I’m back,” Kravitz couldn’t keep the slightly nervous tone out of his voice.

Already his anxious mind was coming up with scenarios to feed that sense of wrongness, everything that could be happening. And of course he kept going back to the same thing, as much as he wanted to avoid it. Please don’t let it be that.

“In here.”

Taako’s voice sounded smaller than usual, a little far away, but still from the kitchen. It did nothing to dampen Kravitz’s fear.

“Taako?” he lengthened his stride, barely noticing their living room rushing past him in a blur of knitted throws, homemade art and three cats sleeping in various places, “Is everything alright?”

All he got in response was a sigh, one that trembled at the end.

Kravitz’s eyes were wide and already searching for danger, one hand twitching to summon his scythe, the other itching for his phone to call the hospital. What froze him was- finally- the smell of home. Sugar and peanut butter and chocolate. But just sitting in bowls on the countertop, measured by eye the way Taako could do so impressively, waiting but static. A pan too, bubbling expectantly on the stove, his favourite spoon standing ready, the oven humming with heat. Their comfortable, safe evening was ready to start but stalled.

And Taako was leaning back against the counter, his hands pressed to his face, his ears down and shoulders tight.

Kravitz’s fear ignited again with a fierce roar and he rushed forward, resisting the urge to open a rift and close the distance that much faster.

“Taako? What’s the matter, can you talk? Does something hurt, you can just point, I can call someone-”

But Taako shook his head tightly, drawing his hands away. He looked ashen and ill but that wasn’t exactly new, he’d been looking like that pretty much constantly for six weeks now. His hair- blonde at the moment- was piled on top of his head in an overflowing bun, his clothes a plain sweater dress and dark leggings, making him look uncharacteristically underdressed.

More uncharacteristic, there were tears in his eyes. As much as he was keeping them down so Kravitz might somehow not see.

“Darling…” Kravitz’s voice was gentle, coaxing. Often Taako’s years of being alone, his fear of showing vulnerability, would seize him out of nowhere and steal his words. It would drive him into corners and close him off to Kravitz. And he couldn’t let that happen now, “Whatever it is, I’ll fix it. We’ll fix it, we’ll be okay. You just have to tell me.”

“No,” Taako’s voice was raw, weighed down under so many negative emotions, shame quickly becoming the heaviest, “It’s not that it’s...it’s stupid…”

Kravitz gathered that this wasn’t a physical hurt, some part of him sighing in relief. A very small part, most of him still aching at the sound of Taako’s voice.

“I’m sure it isn’t, Taako. Nothing that makes you feel this way is stupid, not to me. Here…”

He opened his arms with no expectations that his husband would move into them or wouldn’t. Sometimes touch was too much, sometimes Taako seemed to need it more than air. This seemed to be the latter, long, slim but strong arms locked around his waist and soft, blonde hair that smelled of strawberry pressed against his cheek.

“It is. I’m being stupid, babe, I…I don’t know why I’m acting like this…” he pressed his face against Kravitz’s chest.

“Well,” he kissed the top of his head, “We know why you’re acting like this. Even if I still disagree with you about how stupid it might be.”

There was a heavy sigh and the arms tightened around his waist, “You’re buying me every coffee I ever have for the rest of my damn life. And I’m picking the movie every time we go. And...and I can’t think of any more stuff right now but when I do…”

“You can add it to the list,” Kravitz promised, feeling a rush of warmth and, on its heels, the desperate need to do something. To not feel so helpless.

Maybe not feel so responsible.

Kravitz’s hand came up to rest on Taako’s stomach. There was nothing to show for the weeks of exhaustion, the days started with vomiting and curse words, the fight his husband was going through with his body, a fight he thought he’d won a long time ago. And one he was doing again, for them, so they could have a family. There was nothing to show, yet, but Kravitz felt something all the same. A spark, tiny and faint now but he could tell how strong it would grow.

“Taako, I’m sorry,” Kravitz sighed.

His husband shifted, leaning into his hand, “No. If I’m not allowed to say I’m stupid, you’re not allowed to say sorry, babe.”

Kravitz had to laugh, running his thumb across the wool of Taako’s jumper. He would have slipped it under the fabric but his husband had been running cold lately and his hand wouldn’t have helped.

“So tell me. If you’re not stupid and I’m not apologetic, tell me what’s wrong and we can fix it together.”

Taako drew back, expression pained, “I...gods, okay fine, I can’t taste.”

Kravitz couldn’t help it, he paused. He had to, making sure he’d heard right. Taako of course took his surprise as something else and gave a strangled groan, ears moving down to hide him again.

“No, no!” Kravitz jerked himself to attention, taking Taako’s hands quickly, “No, of course…of course that’s upset you, darling.”

It made more sense now. The ingredients laid out but abandoned in frustration, the stalled attempt to do the one thing that Taako really enjoyed. Because how could he progress if nothing tastes right? He didn’t follow recipes, he went by his tongue, no end result exactly the same twice but always beautiful. Of course taking that away from him was like leaving him blind.

Kravitz moved so his arm was around Taako’s thin shoulders, letting him press close as he pulled up his phone, “So can you just not taste at all or…?”

He already had multiple websites and articles on pregnancy bookmarked, he’d been consulting them religiously whenever a question came up or if he had a free moment at work. Ig going from reading about cognitive development to claiming the souls of necromancers was meant to be disconcerting, Kravitz had not been human long enough to ignore it.

“I can,” Tako mumbled miserably, “But it’s wrong. Everything tastes metallic and nothing’s the way it should be. It’s like back when I got a bad tongue piercing. Don’t ever do that, babe. Non reactive metals only.”

“I’ll bear it in mind,” Kravitz gives him a fond smile before scrolling, “Ah! Okay, difference in taste is apparently a very common pregnancy symptom. Metallic taste, not liking things you used to...yes, it's all here.”

“Fabulous,” Taako’s voice was flat and unimpressed, “Does it say what to do about it? I’m a freaking chef, Krav, I can’t do nine months of this.”

“Um…” Kravitz kept scrolling, his heart sinking as he did, “Well...it’s a hormonal change thing so, uh...wait it out?”

Taako closed his eyes, looking like he was trying to count to ten and failing.

“Well fucking shit,” he eventually said, pinching the bridge of his nose.

Kravitz felt something in him stamp its foot and dig its heels in and say a very firm and implacable no. No, this was not going to be yet another thing Taako had to give up because, in spite of what everyone had assumed and in spite of Kravitz’s reassurance that any decision he made was okay, he’d said yes to this. This was not going to be something he just had to endure.

Kravitz had forgotten a lot about being alive, he’d be the first to admit that. But Taako, living with him and loving him, had been slowly reminding him of these things he’d never had but had wanted, back when his heart had been beating. Now that he had them he wasn’t going to sit back on his heels.

“I’ll do it for you,” he said firmly, putting his hand on Taako’s shoulder.

Golden eyes opened a little, peeked at him curiously, “You’ll what?”

“I’ll be your taster,” Kravitz insisted, looking over the ingredients, “What are you making here? Peanut butter cookies?”

He was familiar enough with those, Taako always turned to them for comfort, he had since he was tiny. Simple, sweet and warm. There was nearly always a box of them somewhere in their cupboards and Kravitz knew Taako sent his sister a batch once a week.

“Um...babe, you don’t need to eat?” Taako was blinking up at him in confusion.

“I don’t. That doesn’t mean I don’t enjoy it,” he shrugged, moving to pick up the spoon, handing it to Taako, “Well, since I met you anyway.”

A smile pulled at the corners of his husband’s mouth, some of the light starting to come back into his eyes, “So what, you’re going to taste as I go along and tell me what I need to add?”

“Oh I’d never presume that much. I’ll describe it to you and you can tell me what it needs,” Kravitz put a hand on his chest in pantomimed horror, “You’re Taako from TV, darling.”

Taako’s chin jerked up and his smile grew, igniting with some of his old fire.

“You bet your ass I am. Alright then, we can make this work.”

And, as it happened, they could. Kravitz’s taste buds had been shaken back awake after he’d met Taako from TV after who knew how long sleeping. He’d been remembering old favourites, finding memories and moments in the corners of his mind that he thought he’d lost, brought back by the things his husband placed in front of him. And peanut butter, sugar, chocolate, who didn’t like those?

So Taako went through the familiar, comfortable steps, stirring and beating and sifting. Every so often, he would hold out his spoon and Kravitz would obediently catch some on his finger and taste it, describing it as best he could. If it needed more cinnamon, he would say so. If it was a little too sweet, he told him. And based on that, Taako would nod and add a pinch more salt or swap the milk chocolate for dark, before long he was never missing a beat.

Somewhere in the middle of it all, the music got turned back on, a cheesy pop number that had Taako bouncing on the balls of his feet without really realising and Kravitz singing under his breath even though he hadn’t even realised he knew the words. Taako started to dance around the kitchen the way he used to, rather than just walking, his movements looser and freer and infectious. He was smiling again, nodding his head, hands moving in the air, going through the strange gestures he made whenever he cooked, like he was doing magic as he moved.

Though Kravitz noticed that whenever the elf had a hand free, it gravitated to his stomach and rested there. Whenever he noticed it, Kravitz smiled to himself though he didn’t comment.

Eventually, they had a tray full of golden brown cookies. They smelled exactly as Kravitz remembered and certainly looked like they always did. When he bit into one he tasted that comfort and light and warmth he’d been looking for when he’d landed on his front porch just an hour or so ago.

“Want to try one?” he asked Taako, who’d gotten sore ankles and perched on the counter a little while ago.

Taako hesitated, fingers threaded over one knee drawn to his chest. But, after a beat, he leaned forward, reaching out.

“Well...guess it isn’t much of an experiment if I don’t try it out?”

Kravitz nodded encouragingly, watching as Taako bit into the cookie almost hesitantly.

After a moment, the wariness in his eyes eased and the corners of his mouth twitched up.

“It doesn't taste the same,” he admitted, “But it’s good. Different but good.”

Kravitz beamed, moving forward to kiss Taako’s cheek, letting him wind around him. “Different but good. We can work with that, yes?”

“Yeah,” he felt more than heard Taako murmur against his shoulder, “Sure we can, babe.”

Kravitz closed his eyes, moving his hand to rest over Taako’s stomach and unsurprised to find that his husband’s was already there, ready to lace their fingers together.

Kravitz got the feeling that there would be more nights where he came home and there wouldn’t be that comforting, safe bubble waiting. Change was coming, a bigger and more permanent change than they’d experienced since they first got together, Kravitz wouldn't always be able to depend on it being there for him. Sometimes they would need to build it together, him and Taako.

And that was okay. Because some nights, most nights, he would come home and there would be that noise and light and laughter, twice as much now there were two people in the kitchen.

Different but good. Different but still so sweet.

[ceilingfan5]

Sticker stars has been so wonderful so far and I can’t wait for more!! Also, do have some fun prompts. Apocalypse & Avian au, with taakitz, perhaps? :))

(thinks about my dark wings au past) hm.

Taako’s fucked. Living in the After Times is like being a shark. You quit moving, you die. And Taako’s in no shape to move right now. 

He was scavenging. He and Lup used to scavenge a lot before she went missing, and they’d gotten pretty fucking good at it. They’ve found all sorts of shit. Garfield phones. Tommy guns. A whole cake once, perfectly untouched. They ate it with their hands right then and there and tried to tell each other stories about what they remembered of the Before Times, even though that wasn’t much. And when they both got sick, well, they got sick together. They had each other to rely on. 

That might be what Taako misses most. Then again, there’s no need to rank the holes in his heart. They all add up to empty. 

He was scavenging, is the thing, finding some good scrap here, some useful tech there, and food, even a taste of food was worth the hunt. But he didn’t see the hole in that rotting building’s floor, and he fell a long ways, landing in a scrumbled heap down low. 

And that was it, he figured. The end of ol’ Taako. And when he saw the bird circling overhead, shadow passing through the skeleton of the long-dead building, he imagined himself a Prometheus and closed his eyes to preserve the delusion. As a last thought, it wasn’t the worst he could do. At least he hadn’t made a mess of himself from the pain. 

He never expected to feel himself being moved, but then again, it made sense. The vulture probably wanted to keep his leftovers away from the other sky rats. 

But when he opened his eyes, dizzy with pain, Taako saw a face, not a beak and beady eyes. Soft, deep brown ones framed with long eyelashes, and slightly parted lips, showing a little confusion. And the person--no, he’d definitely seen a bird, what was the truth?--the person said something Taako couldn’t make out through all the ringing, and they picked him up, his leg dragging, the sticky blood leaving a trail. 

“What the fuck?” Taako managed, heroically, before the darkness throbbing at the edges of his vision took over.

He dreams of flying. It’s only a little terrifying. 

When he wakes up, he hurts, he hurts all over. He’s barely together, but together is together, and that’s more than he can say for some people he’s met, trying to survive through it all. He’s fucking hungry, but he’s always hungry, and the pain is turning his stomach. He’s not sure he could keep his scraps down if he had any. 

Wait. His shit. What happened to his shit?

Taako’s eyes snap open and he tries to sit up, which almost evacuates his breakfast, what’s left of it. He’s worked so fucking hard to find all of his nice things, and this fucker’s just gone and taken them?? He won’t have it, even if he can barely move! He tries to find something to pull himself up with, or something to attack with, or something, anything to help him out, and he’s confused by a flutter of feathers and a person rushing over to him.

“Woah, woah, woah, not yet, you don’t! You’re in no shape to be moving around, no sir.” 

Taako squints blearily at the person. Bird. Person with wings? Funny, he’d heard there were mutants, out here in the wastes, but this guy can’t be any younger than him. And Taako caught the barest end of the Before Times. It doesn’t add up. He opens his mouth to comment on this. 

“Heughumyn?”

The birdman frowns and props Taako up against the nearest wall. He��s in what can only be described as a nest of blankets, and they’re in a decent little shelter. Asshole. 

“I’m not sure you’re ready for that, either,” he says. 

“M’fuck’n, ready,” Taako slurs. 

“Mhm, mhm.” His wings twitch a little as he thinks. “How are you doing?”

“Youg’na, eat me?” Taako manages instead. His brains feel scrambled. Maybe more than his legs got fucked up. Damn it. 

The bird man laughs. 

“No, I’m afraid you’re not quite fit for consumption. That’s a little joke. No, I do not eat people, although I’m sure I’ve given you a bit of a scare. I’ll be honest, I just couldn’t leave you there to die.” His wings flutter a little, and he looks sheepish. “I didn’t have much of a plan with regards to rescuing you, and, uh, what would follow.”

Taako squints at him. He is having a very difficult time keeping up. He decides he has a concussion, which unfortunately is going to require some time. But this is the apocalypse. If they can stay safe, they’ve got all the time in the world. 

He’s just going to have to trust a mutant. 

“‘M coherent,” he says, partially to himself, and then, “You got any medicine?” which actually is rather coherent, and he mentally pats himself on the back for that one. Even that hurts, though. 

“Only a bit,” Birdboy says. “I’m not sure it would help, but we could try. I splinted your legs, I know that much, and, well, I’m not quite sure what to do about that nasty bump on your head.”

“Well, whatever,” Taako says, feeling a bit more confident. This guy definitely isn’t going to hurt him. If he wanted something from Taako, he’d have taken it and let him rot. He’s got a soft heart. Big mistake. “Y’got a name?”

“Kravitz,” he says. “Just Kravitz.” There’s an indecipherable look on his face. Or maybe that’s just the concussion fucking with him. “And you?”

“Taako. Just Taako.” 

“Well, I’d say it’s nice to meet you, Taako, but I really wish it had been under better circumstances.”

“S’nice,” Taako says, and he closes his eyes again. If he can trust this guy at least a little bit, he might as well not be awake for the pain. “Goodnight.”

“Woah, Taako, stay with me!”

But the darkness has already come back to embrace him.  

[sgrumby]

48 + taakitz!

(48 was “I’m not bothering you, am I?”)

“No, of course not, dear,” Kravitz replies, through gritted teeth.

The demon roars, and Kravitz throws himself to the side, but some of the acid the thing spits still splashes onto his cloak and he scowls as it eats a hole in the luxurious fabric. He hurls a Power Word Stun at it, but the spell washes over its armoured chitin like he’d thrown a water balloon. It takes a swipe, and he has to bend like Neo from the Fantasy Matrix to dodge the savage claws.

Under the demon’s roaring, he can hear Taako. “That was dope as hell! Take notes, lil dudes, that's gonna be on the test.”

He’d known letting Taako bring his students on a bounty had been a bad idea. But he’d always been bad at saying no to his husband, and Taako had said it’d help some of his Theoretical Necromancy students see why less-theoretical necromancy was a bad idea, so of course Kravitz had said yes.

Kravitz had been anticipating showing them the sea of souls and some paperwork, maybe a quick tour of the Stockade. He should’ve known the day they came along would be the day he faced a demon lord. He also probably should’ve asked how old the students were, because Taako’s brought a group of ten-year-olds.

The demon throws its head back and roars, a sickening, blood-curdling, primordial sound. Kravitz imagines his ancestors probably heard similar noises as a tyrannosaur bore down upon them. One of Taako’s students giggles.

Kravitz takes a second to assess. The armour is far too strong for any spell to make a serious dent. But, one swing with the scythe should destroy the demon, banishing it back to whichever plane of hell it’d been summoned from. The only issue is, to use the scythe he’d have to get past the razor claws, the barbed tail, and the fangs, not to mention the acid spitting and the flame breath.

Normally, this is where he’d call for Lup and Barry. But he really doesn’t want to concede defeat in front of Taako’s students. Even if they are children.

So, when the demon swings again, he hurls himself forward instead of dodging back, ducking under the barbed claws. The demon squawks in surprise, and rears backwards, trying to get some space between itself and Kravitz, but he presses the advantage, scythe whirling to deter any further attacks. It blows a spout of flame at him, but he lets the flesh melt from his skull and continues moving, unharmed.

Finally, he’s within striking distance, and he takes a swing. The first slice misses, so he readjusts and swings again. This time, the blade connects, and -

-

They’re in the kitchen, Kravitz perched upon the dining table as Taako makes dinner.

“Thanks for letting me bring them, Bones,” Taako says. “I, uh, I really think it’ll be very useful in their class -”

Kravitz hums, disbelievingly. “Now, Taako, I’m not saying I don’t believe you. But is it just a coincidence that you took your theoretical necromancy class out on a demon hunt on the same day Lucas Miller’s theoretical necromancy class went on a field trip to his lab to study planar theory?”

“Yep,” Taako says, earnestly, popping the P.

They look at each other for a second before Taako breaks, wheezing with laughter. Kravitz shakes his head as he laughs too.

[words-writ-in-starlight]

Untamed TAZ Balance AU? Don't have to write anything, just consider that (is Wen Ning Lucretia in this or is he too nice for that)

NHS IS LUCRETIA, NHS IS ABSOLUTELY LUCRETIA, I HAVE THOUGHTS, my girlfriend yelled at me for these thoughts.  Hell this got long, I’ve literally been saving it in my drafts until Tumblr fixed the Read More issue.

WWX is Taako, JC is Magnus, WQ is Merle, JYL is in the umbrella (became a lich to keep her brother from doing it), WN is the Red Robe (became a lich because he thought it seemed reasonable), NHS is Lucretia, XXC is Davenport, LWJ and LXC are mutually Kravitz (LXC sets his bro up with the death criminal wizard), Wen Zhuliu is John Vore, LSZ is Angus but also a baby Reaper

ONE

So Wei Wuxian isn’t really a wizard, is the thing.  Like, he does the wizard magic, and apparently he has strong Wizard Vibes because wherever he travels, people ask him if he can solve their magical bullshit problems, but he’s, like, barely a wizard.  He’s an inventor, technically, except that a few years back some stuff went explosively awry while he worked with this traveling show and–yeah.  So he’s working as a wizard because, hey, he can cast Magic Missile and he needs to eat and he’s an Evocation specialist, anyway, so it’s not like he’s out here making food from rocks.  He’s hired on with a couple other random jackasses, a fighter who took a dislike to Wei Wuxian right off the bat and a cleric with a bad temper and an itchy Sacred Flame finger, and they’re doing a job for some dwarf, or whatever.  The dwarf has a guy hired on as muscle, but he doesn’t look like much, all wide eyes and baby face.  He calls himself Qionglin, no last name, and stares at Wen Qing like he’s never seen a cleric before, and Jiang Cheng spends the entire trip to Phandolin messing with his whip, which is the stupidest weapon Wei Wuxian has ever seen.

Well, then everything immediately goes horribly wrong, though, and turns out that Jiang Cheng is pretty okay with that whip.  Qionglin (Wei Wuxian spoke to the man all of one time, but he was sweet, if a little awkward) gets himself kidnapped by a bunch of goblins, and their employer is gods-know-where with whatever a Black Spider is, and suddenly this very boring escort mission is a very not boring rescue mission.

There’s a skeleton in the cave.  Wei Wuxian takes an umbrella from it, and it crumbles into dust beneath its red robe.  There’s a very annoyed man with a sword who calls himself Song Lan and speaks in static, and he’s somehow not the weirdest part of this whole day.

Phandolin doesn’t survive its brush with the Zidian Gauntlet, and neither does Qionglin.  Wen Qing screams when he dies, and Wei Wuxian grabs her under the arms with Jiang Cheng and books it for the empty well in Song Lan’s wake, and they just hide.  

And then they go to the goddamn moon, apparently.

TWO

The goddamn moon is run by an older man with hair still a glossy black, toying with a beautifully painted white fan in his hand.  He calls himself the Director and–after some testing–hires them more or less on the spot.  Something flickers over his face when Wen Qing, bemused by her own upset, makes an offhand mention of a man named Qionglin who died when the Gauntlet brought down so much lightning that it turned Phandolin into black glass.  But it’s not Wei Wuxian’s problem, so he doesn’t worry himself over it too much.  He takes the payment offered to him by the Director’s aide, a blindfolded, stunningly handsome man in Bureau blue and white who rests his hand on his own chest and says “Xiao Xingchen” and not another word.

The Bureau is–weird.  They’ve got a giant jellyfish and a store run by–something Wei Wuxian Does Not Trust and a dorm.  Wei Wuxian laughs and kicks Jiang Cheng cheerfully in the ankle and says “Just like college, huh?” and Jiang Cheng gives him a dark look and snaps “I never went to college.”

“Yeah,” Wei Wuxian says, blinking.  “Me neither.”

Whatever.  They go on a train adventure and there’s a kid, a kid who blinks and stares at Wei Wuxian like he’s seen a goddamn ghost and immediately walks up to introduce himself as Lan Sizhui, boy detective.

Wei Wuxian fucking loves this kid.  He’s not sure why this wide-eyed fifteen-year-old latched onto him so hard, but he’s smart, funny, loyal, and extremely easy to pick on.  13/10 child rating, in Wei Wuxian’s book.

(Sizhui, for his part, more or less kicks down the door to his father’s offices in the Astral Plane the second the Reclaimers are gone and shouts “I HAVE A LEAD ON WHAT HAPPENED TO THE WORLD.”)

(His father, Lan Wangji, the Grim Reaper, is very interested to hear all about it–especially when his son casually name-drops three of the biggest bounties that the Raven King, his adoptive elder brother, has ever sent him after, with the exception of that absolutely insufferably sweet-tempered lich Wen Ning.)

THREE

So…the Crystal Kingdom.

Is it Wei Wuxian’s finest hour, shouting obscure tentacle-related threats at the second crystal construct they’ve seen in the past twenty minutes?  No, probably not.  But it’s been a stressful day, they’re already down one Regulator and Song Lan is fuck-knows-where with Mianmian and, again, this is the second menacing crystal construct they’ve seen in twenty minutes.  Or maybe it’s the same one? 

Whatever, doesn’t matter.  They’re here to hunt down Meng Yao, a scientist who’s been dicking around with some seriously ill-advised necromancy and also the Philosopher’s Stone, and a crystal construct or two isn’t going to stop them.

Wei Wuxian actually physically cannot help himself, though, when the Reapers appear in the mirror, a matched set of beautiful men, and he grins broadly at the one glaring at him most viciously.  They get let go on a technicality, along with a conduit still containing Meng Shi’s memory of a vision beyond the cosmos, and Meng Yao leaves with his life and not much more.

Later, Lan Wangji is absolutely betrayed by the realization that his brother willfully set him up to be the primary go-between for the completely breathtaking deeply irritating wizard-by-way-of-death-criminal.  And that’s before the whole lich revelation.  (He does get a kiss, though, after he watches his brother pulled under by the Hunger.  That’s nice.  He hopes Wei Wuxian will mitigate the death crimes now that they’re dating.)

FOUR

The seven Relics are as follows:

The Zidian Gauntlet, which can generate a lightning blast so powerful that it can obliterate an entire city.  (Jiang Cheng–he watched the others try to lay in protections, try to make their Relics harmless, and he knew it wouldn’t work.  All the Gauntlet does is damage.  It can melt a city down to black glass, but it can’t be twisted, it can’t be made into any more of a nightmare than it already is.  He’s a fighter.  He knows all about damage, knew all about what he was making.  That doesn’t mean it didn’t kill him by inches to watch it leave a path of destruction–so much that his beloved jiejie tried to seal it away.)

The Oculus, which can make any construct real.  (Xiao Xingchen–Nie Huaisang didn’t take everything.  He doesn’t remember the mission, or his own past.  Something strange got confused in the process, and he lost most of his speech.  But he remembers how to fight, handles his sword as cleanly and effectively as ever, and he remembers that he doesn’t think much of Nie Huaisang’s combat skills.  Or maybe it’s just really obvious that Nie Huaisang isn’t much of a fighter.  Regardless, Xiao Xingchen insisted on accompanying him, before–before.  Then they went into the Felicity Wilds, and…Xue Yang is honestly delighted.  He’s never managed to ruin someone so badly on the way into Wonderland before.  It’s just a shame that Nie Huaisang sent Xiao Xingchen away before they reached the doors.)

The Healer’s Sash, which can manipulate natural forces like the wind, the tides, and tectonic plates just as easily as it can manipulate a heartbeat or a pair of lungs.  (Wen Qing–she prays to Pelor, the Dawnfather, the healer and Lord of Light, but she’s long since lost her faith in him as anything but a contracted boss.  It’s a shock to everyone including her when she’s granted a right arm made of glass and magic after losing it.  She was so determined to make a Relic that could be used for good, but–well.  She supposes she should have known better.)

The Philosopher’s Stone, which can more or less transform anything into anything.  (Jiang Yanli–she’s a Transmutation wizard, she’s been feeding the crew of the Starblaster for a hundred years on whatever she can pull together.  If the right person found the Stone, it would have ended world hunger.  The wrong person found the stone.  Jiang Yanli tried her damnedest to hunt it down, but she found the Gauntlet first, and, well–she already became a lich to stop one younger brother from doing it.  It’s not a struggle to decide that she’s going to take responsibility for saving Jiang Cheng from his own guilt.  Then things go horribly wrong, and she spends the next twelve years in an umbrella.)

The Temporal Chalice, which offers complete control over time.  (Wen Ning–he was a strict scholar until his sister was contacted about the IPRE’s creation, but he always did want to travel, and his theories about bonds were too good for Xiao Xingchen to pass up having on his crew.  Everything he’s done since they lost their home system has been about trying not to leave his family, about trying for second chances, he became a lich for them, he’s done everything to stay with them, of course his Relic is a second chance generator.)

The Animus Flute, which offers control over the spirits of the dead and, in the hands of a sufficiently competent expert, the living.  (Wei Wuxian–he’s watched his brother, his sister, his friends, die so many times.  He’s terrified of immortality, but he’s most terrified of being alone.  He meant to make something that could keep the dead present, so that they would never have to fear being left behind again.  Watching it rip Jiang Cheng’s soul clean out of his body in Xue Yang’s hands is the worst thing Wei Wuxian can remember, even after everything is over.)

The Bulwark, which Nie Huaisang never did explain to anyone, but took the shape of a hand-painted fan.  (Nie Huaisang lost the only person who mattered to him when the Hunger ate their home, and then as he slowly, painstakingly, rebuilt something like a family, he had to watch them suffer and die for a hundred years.  And then he watched them win, and grieve like dying all over again for the winning.  He’s sorry they suffered for his actions.  He’s not sorry for what he did.)

FIVE

Wen Zhuliu didn’t mean to make his whole plane give up.  But he had spent his whole life being used, and it all just seemed so pointless.  It all just seemed so pointless.  There was always someone stronger, always something bigger, always a rule he couldn’t break, always something, and he started talking, started telling people as much, and--

Wen Qing is about the farthest thing in the fucking world from a peacemaker by nature, if you ask her, but she’s a healer first, last, and most of all.  And, she thinks as she watches the sun sink with a very tired man crumbling away at her side, she might be the only person in the worlds who ever noticed that Wen Zhuliu needed a healer.

(They aren’t from the same plane, but--some of the others have found distant family, on their new home.  It’s an unanswerable question, if they might have been family, a few dimensions removed.  Wen Ning still thinks about it.)

[anistarrose]

Summary: Angus leads a virtual book club meeting. Kravitz connects the dots. Taako makes significant updates to the list of people he trusts and things he believes.

Characters: Kravitz, Taako, Barry Bluejeans, Angus McDonald, Magnus Burnsides, Merle Highchurch, Noelle | No-3113, The Raven Queen, The Director | Lucretia, misc. BoB cameos, Julia Burnsides, Garyl

Relationships: Taakitz, Angus McDonald & Taako, Barry Bluejeans & Kravitz, Kravitz & Angus McDonald

Bit by bit, we’re inching closer to the endgame! Lots of plot and angst in this update, but also I think I might’ve implied that Minecraft exists in Faerun, so it evens out, y’know?

By virtue of their trance state replacing sleep, elves were supposed to be good lucid dreamers. Taako had always experienced mixed results, but never moreso than tonight, with a dream that started out all saccharine romantic fantasy — fishing with Kravitz and sharing a kiss after falling into the lake together — before a clap of thunder and an unholy scream plunged the world into darkness and left one single source of light, one last surviving star, cradled in Taako’s unassuming hands.

Then a ripple in the darkness, the invisible maw of some ravenous entity, closed around that final star — and Taako screamed, as loud as he could muster yet still not loud enough to drown the ringing in his ears, as he flailed in the dark against the invisible monster that stole the world from him —

At once, two hands closed around his own, one cold and the other warm. On Taako’s left was Kravitz, aghast but holding himself together, a steely composure to his posture despite the fear in his eyes.

On Taako’s right was a Red Robe — but not Barry, and in fact not anything like what Taako had started to accept as normal for Red Robes. Where Barry had a clouded darkness in place of hands and a face, this lich had pure static escaping from within her sleeves and beneath her hood, crackling and constantly changing shape like lightning, or… like fire.

Taako sat up in his bed covered in cold sweat, heart pounding as he realized his legs were hopelessly tangled in his sheets, and only slightly slowing when he realized there was nothing in his bedroom to run from.

Elves were supposed to rarely awaken late, but Taako’s wizard hat-shaped alarm clock — a gift that Angus that he’d quietly appreciated, even though it should have been redundant — indicated that it was mid-morning, and when he trudged out into the common area, he found no sign of his doormates besides a note written in Magnus’s distinctive scrawl.

I know you were busy last night, so we’re letting you sleep in while we go play Fantasy Kickball on the quad! Killian and Avi are team captains and their rivalry is fierce, so we’ll probably be playing all day if you want to join us! Love, Magnus! (And Merle)

Taako didn’t realize how relieved he was until he felt himself let out a sigh.

He had a sinking feeling that the same dream — or at least, a similar dream — had played out more than once that night, looping over and over again as he repeatedly failed to remember, much less control, where it was going. He felt too exhausted to be operating on even a single minute of dreamless sleep, and didn’t even want to think about holding a conversation with anyone…

Well, with most people. There was someone he’d really been meaning to chat with, before he’d been distracted by haircuts and Kravitz and pottery and stargazing and Kravitz.

He transmuted a mug of lukewarm tap water to a piping hot, high-caffeine tea, then picked up his Umbra Staff, and conjured a familiar phantom steed with twin horns that nearly grazed the ceiling as he reared and whinnied.

“Yooo! Mornin’, Taako!”

“Morning, Garyl.” Taako yawned. “Could you do me a favor, and tell me literally anything you know about the liches you said I used to hang out with?”

***

CalebClevelandFan#2045: All early-installment weirdness aside, I really do think it’s a great introduction to the series! Because of the retcons you’ll encounter later, there are some conspiracy theories that the most recent arc of Caleb Cleveland was ghostwritten to maximize the publishing rate (which I think is hogwash, because continuity errors are going to be inevitable no matter who’s writing) but I guess I’ll let you decide for yourself when you get there! Do you need to stop by the moon again to borrow Book 2?

ReaperAwMan#1672: No thank you, Angus! I think I’m going to try and download the “digital” version, now that I know I can do that on my Stone! Taako told me about that feature and a lot of others last night, so if I can’t get it to work, I’ll just call him and ask him to walk me through it. :)

ReaperAwMan: Did I use the smiley face correctly?

CalebClevelandFan: Yes! :) You’ve picked up on technology a lot faster than my grandpa did.

CalebClevelandFan: Did Taako also choose your username on this app, though?

ReaperAwMan: How did you know? Is it a reference to something? :)

CalebClevelandFan: Um

CalebClevelandFan: Yes, but it’s a long story. It’s not mean-spirited or anything, though! I think it’s pretty funny!

ReaperAwMan: Okay! :)

CalebClevelandFan: Is that all for book club today? If it is, Mr. Kravitz, I just want to say that I’d be happy to talk to you again about Caleb Cleveland anytime!

CalebClevelandFan: It means a lot to me, but I understand if you’re too busy (message edited)

ReaperAwMan: Oh, there’s always time for book club, Angus!

ReaperAwMan: But I admit, I have had a lot on my mind…

CalebClevelandFan: Is it the liches? Since the Reclaimers aren’t in trouble anymore? (By the way, I went to tell Noelle she didn’t have to worry about getting reaped, but apparently she’s visiting family, so I left a message with her teammates Carey and Killain..)

ReaperAwMan: Excellent deduction. (And thank you for that. I hope she gets the message soon.)

ReaperAwMan: You’re right, I’m still hunting Lup and Barry Bluejeans, but… I just can’t shake the feeling that they’re connected to Taako and the others.

CalebClevelandFan: Really? What makes you say that?

ReaperAwMan: Well, I didn’t think much of this for a long time, and now I’m kicking myself for it, but their bounties registered in our system at the same time as Taako’s, Magnus’s, and Merle’s. We figured it was just a widespread detection glitch, which has happened before on a much smaller scale, but now it feels awfully suspicious. The Reclaimers have also encountered Barry at least four times now, without even seeking him out the first three times, whereas finding Barry is my job, and I get a lead on him about twice a year, if I’m lucky.

CalebClevelandFan: That is odd. Did any other bounties show up at that same time? Do you know if they have any kind of connections to Barry?

ReaperAwMan: Only two others, for a couple of people named Lucretia and Davenport. They must be living like hermits, because it’s been 12 years and I know as little about them as I do about Lup. Not a lot of leads there, I’m afraid.

(CalebClevelandFan is typing…)

(CalebClevelandFan is typing…)

CalebClevelandFan: Hmm. Huh! I wish I could say those names meant something to me, but I’ve never heard them before in my life! Truly unfortunate, that. But, I do suspect that Barry appearing to the Reclaimers is because the Red Robes made the Grand Relics, and it’s the Reclaimers’ job to track those seven relics down!

ReaperAwMan: You mean to tell me that Barold J. Bluejeans made a Grand Relic, and the Reclaimers all knew that information, but didn’t think it would be important to tell me?! This is simultaneously the most and least surprised I’ve been at any point in my afterlife.

CalebClevelandFan: Well, I guess there’s a reason I’m the moon’s resident boy detective and they aren’t, sir!

ReaperAwMan: Wait. Angus.

CalebClevelandFan: Yes?

ReaperAwMan: Seven relics. Seven bounties.

CalebClevelandFan: Sorry, sir, I’m not following. What’s the connection?

ReaperAwMan: I know this is going to sound impossible, but…

ReaperAwMan: Taako is a transmutation wizard. The Philosopher’s Stone can transmute any material into anything else. Merle is a nature cleric, and the Gaia Sash offers control over natural disasters and the wilderness. Then of course, Barry is a lich like no other, and the Animus Bell is the most dangerous necromantic artifact I’ve ever been tasked with monitoring. I don’t know exactly how Magnus fitz into this, or how the other three bounties have managed to hide from me, but…

ReaperAwMan: I think Taako, Merle, and Magnus made three of the Grand Relics!

ReaperAwMan: Angus? Are you still there?

CalebClevelandFan: Sorry, I just rebooted my Stone, but I still can’t read your second-to-last message! It just looks like static, but I was inoculated, so that shouldn’t be possible!

ReaperAwMan: I’m not sure what you mean by “inoculated,” but if the app is glitching, then do you want me to call you?

CalebClevelandFan: It may not be the app, sir. And if it isn’t, I fear a phone call won’t make any difference… but I just got an idea! I’m going to go check if Noelle is back yet — she should be able to help with this. Please bear with me for a few minutes, sir!

ReaperAwMan: Okay, then… good luck!

Head in his hand, Kravitz scrolled back up to the offending message, reading it over once more.

I think Taako, Merle, and Magnus made three of the Grand Relics!

It made sense, but it shouldn’t have. Despite all the questions it answered, it raised more in their place — and Kravitz had been ready to accept that he was wrong, ready for brilliant little Angus to chime in with a piece of evidence that refuted it all...

Except that message, and that message alone, hadn’t made it to Angus in the first place — and wasn’t that the most damning, of all the so-called coincidences aligning before Kravitz’s eyes?

The Reclaimers made Grand Relics and consorted with liches. The Reclaimers can’t remember making Grand Relics or consorting with liches.

Someone is hiding the truth from the Reclaimers, and from Angus. Someone is hiding the truth from the entire Bureau of Balance.

Is it Barry? Does he have that much power? Is he working with someone? With Lup?

Kravitz summoned his scythe with the full intention of warping straight to the moonbase, and bringing his four friends from the Bureau directly back to the Astral Plane — not to take them prisoner, but simply to get them somewhere safe, somewhere to talk without Queen-knows-what outside forces eavesdropping or interfering. Yet before he could open a rift, Kravitz’s vision flashed blue, and a faint yet familiar tug directed his focus towards a much different region of the Material Plane.

A voice echoed in his head, too distorted to identify the speaker, but the words themselves were clear enough:

Kravitz, help!

Kravitz’s Stone of Farspeech clattered onto his desk as he raised his fingers to his temples and closed his eyes, honing in on the location of the summoning arrow. It was surrounded by undead presences of several shapes and forms, but one aura outshone all the others — one unmistakable red aura, crackling with power, and… desperation.

There was a very short list of people on the Material Plane with access to this kind of summoning beacon — and no matter what dark secrets their pasts held, Kravitz couldn’t bear the thought of any of them being left alone with an incredibly powerful, secret-keeping, Relic-crafting lich who had finally, finally snapped.

With a frantic swing of his scythe, he ripped open a jagged portal to the arrow’s location, and leapt through without even pausing to retrieve his Stone.

Hang on, boys! I’m coming!

***

“If you wanna hear anything about liches,” Garyl declared, “that information comes with a price. Which you know is gonna be oats, ‘cause what would I even do with gold? I’m just a funky little 80’s horse remix, so you gotta hand over those spectral oats, dude.”

Taako sighed. “Garyl. I know you’re not gonna like this question. But before you whine, please consider the fact that I’m not in the fucking mood. Now: does it have to be oats?”

“A pound of spectral oats is worth two spectral carrots or one spectral sugar cube! That’s the conversion rate. If you offer a spectral salt lick, I may be willing to negotiate.”

Taako conjured two floating, semi-tangible carrots with a wave of his umbrella, and levitated them over to Garyl, who took a bite out of both at once.

“That’s the stuff!” he whinnied. “Okay, so. Liches. Whatcha wanna know about ‘em?”

“You said, like — like two days ago now — that you used to get spectral oats from liches that I hung out with. Garyl, I need to know: was that true, or were you just guilting me for not spoiling you with enough treats?”

Garyl’s response was rendered completely indecipherable by the fresh bite of carrot in his mouth, part of which splattered across the floor and narrowly missed Taako.

“This is serious, Garyl! I’ve been meaning to ask you about this for a while, but it keeps getting more serious.” Taako groaned. “I… I didn’t even realize it, until I was talking to Kravitz last night, but… it’s just… okay, look. He remembers his whole life crystal clear, right down to how many stars you could see from this planet eight hundred and twenty years ago, but…”

He lowered his voice, glancing towards the door. “My past has always just been… fuzzy to me. I never really worried about it, but… I’m just now realizing that this might not be normal. And that if it isn’t, then I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”

Garyl swallowed the last of the carrots. “Yo, your past isn’t fuzzy to me. You really don’t remember your lich buddies — your lich family? Your literal sister and brother-in-law?”

“No, Garold, I don’t remember the sound of getting electrocuted in a fantasy garbage disposal!” Taako rubbed his forehead with increasing vigor, futilely attempting to massage away the sensation of an approaching migraine. “I don’t know how you made that noise with your nasty horse mouth, but it sounded just as bad as the static Lich Barry was speaking when —”

He gasped — and in the ensuing silence, the static kept ringing in his ears, but not as an audible echo. It was coming from within his own head, like a misdirected electric current leaping from neuron to neuron, generated as his mind repeatedly tried and failed to process what he’d just heard… and Taako knew exactly where he’d felt that sensation before.

“Oh, fuck.”

He bolted for the door, locked it, then frantically emptied his pockets until he found his Stone of Farspeech, which he powered down and then magically silenced for extra insurance. “Shit. Shit. Fuck.”

“Yo, what’s the rush?” Garyl asked. “Didja just remember you owe the unicorn mafia a whole bushel of oatsss?”

“What the hell? No!” Taako cradled Garyl’s snout in his hands, standing on his tiptoes to stare at Garyl in the eyes. “Promise me, promise me right now, Garyl, that you’re not gonna fucking snitch.”

Garyl’s expression turned as serious as a binicorn’s expression could turn, given two horns, technicolor eyes, and glittering lashes to work with. “Taako, you gave me life. I’ve always got your back, man.”

“There’s a second voidfish,” Taako blurted out. “And you’re more ghost than horse, I guess, so you’re immune to it, but I’m not. And I — I think I lost something big to it.”

“Huh.” Garyl snorted. “Damn. Geez, yeah. That would explain some things about, man, musta been…” He closed his eyes, nostrils twitching. “The last twelve years? That sound right?”

“Please, Garyl. You — you might know me better than I know me, at this point, so I need you to tell me — who can I trust?”

“I can’t decide that for you, Taako.” Garyl arched his majestic equine neck, as a single tear rolled down his face, and his mullet billowed in a wind that simply shouldn’t have been possible indoors. “Look at what you know to be true in your heart, and begin the journey towards your truth by trusting yourself.”

“I’m not here to listen to your poetry, Garyl — I need names!” Taako pleaded. “Like, I — I can at least trust Kravitz, right?”

“Look, man, I’m sorry! I could tell you who you used to trust, but if someone took a Voidfish-brand eraser to your chalkboard of a brain, that means someone had to betray you, and I dunno who it was! Kravitz is probably chill, because he seems on the level and you haven’t known him long enough for him to be the culprit — but I’m still juggling like six suspects, and I’ve only got four hooves, man! I’m trying my best to —”

Abruptly, Garyl’s voice died out, and he lowered his eyes. “Well, okay, it would be… five suspects. ‘Cause… Lup definitely went missing before any memories got…”

Taako clapped his hands over his ears. “Can you try not to do that? I’m already on the edge of a migraine without —”

A knock at the door interrupted him, and the next thing he knew, he was brandishing his Umbra Staff — never mind the fact that he’d locked that door just a minute ago, and it had since remained closed.

“Taako?” Lucretia called from the hallway. “Are you alright in there?”

After what must’ve been a suspiciously long pause, “Fine!” was the only word Taako could force out.

“Just dandy!” Garyl added in a terrible Taako impression, and Taako elbowed him in the equine shoulder.

“You’re sure?” The quizzical tilt to Lucretia’s head was downright audible. “You don’t sound like yourself.”

Taako bit back a reply of golly, I wonder if that’s because I don’t who I am or how much of myself I’m missing! but managed something more civil, clamping a hand over Garyl’s mouth as he spoke.

“Just had a late night last night! Took some… personal hours. May or may not be nursing a mild hangover now.”

“Oh, we’ve all been there. Merle did mention you were sleeping in.” Lucretia sounded like her suspicion had been sated — unless, of course, she just wanted Taako to think that — because in a much more casual voice that carried far less gravitas, the next thing she asked was: “Do you mind if I come in? I feel like we haven’t talked since Candlenights.”

“No problem!” Taako replied, probably much too quickly. He uttered the word ‘unlock’ under his breath in Elvish, to magically undo his little paranoia-induced security measure before swinging the door open, and hoping Lucretia wouldn’t notice the door had been locked or go on to question why. “Mi casa es tu casa — ‘cause, y’know, mi casa is technically part of your moonbase.”

If Lucretia did notice the unlocking door, she only questioned it silently, because her attention seemed understandably drawn to the binicorn trotting in place in the middle of the dorm.

“Oh, Garyl! Good to see you too.”

“Haha, yeah!” Garyl chuckled nervously. “Imagine meeting you, here, in a place like this! What are the odds?”

Lucretia lowered herself onto the sofa, glanced at Magnus’s rugged hand-crafted coffee table, and pointed to her feet. “Do you mind?”

Taako shrugged. “Uh… knock yourself out, Luce?”

She kicked off her heeled boots and slung her feet onto the table, laying her staff down in her lap. “Let’s get to the point. I did come here for a particular reason —”

“Oh?” Taako forced a smile. “Do tell.”

“Well, Merle and Leon got into a bit of an argument over — actually, let me start from the beginning. At some point in today’s second game, the kickball went over the edge of the moon, and has probably hit the planet Earth at terminal velocity by now.” Lucretia grimaced. “I hope no one was standing beneath it. Yikes.”

“Home run, baby!” Garyl cheered. Taako simply attempted to nod along.

“Actually, by our rules, it’s a foul with a sizeable penalty. Leon was pitching and Merle was kicking, so naturally they got into a fight over whose fault it was, and Merle threatened — let me see if I remember this all correctly — to ask you, Taako, to ask your ‘new friend the Grim Reaper’ to come up here and ‘reap Leon’s ass’ like said Grim Reaper purportedly once threatened to reap Merle’s own ass. So I was just hoping to get to you first, and stage an intervention to make sure the Bureau’s only artificer doesn’t take a one way trip to the heavens above — not to mention, maybe, ask if you had any idea what the hell Merle was talking about?”

“Well, bold statement saying Leon would go to heaven, first of all. Pretty sure he’d head the way of the plummeting kickball and smash through the planet’s crust. Second of all, um, I guess you could say I know the Grim Reaper? Look, we haven’t been seeing each other for very long, but I think we both feel a connection —”

“Oh! Well, good for you! Don’t get me wrong, that’s fucking wild if you mean it seriously rather than as a goof, but I’m still happy for you!”

“Not a goof. That is the whole story there, though. I’m dating the Grim Reaper, what more is there to say?” Taako grinned from ear to ear, and it felt slightly more sincere than every other smile he’d put on in this disaster of a conversation. “But as a… as an aside… uh, Garyl, do you remember those… six, no, five people you mentioned to me, just before Lucretia showed up?”

Garyl blinked at him with a downright hostility, as if to say You’re circling back to this topic NOW?

“Your, um, suspect list?” Taako clarified. “Of… people on the moon most likely to give you oats? I guess it was more like a power ranking, actually, let’s definitely call it a power ranking instead of a suspect list — but my point is, um, was the ‘Director’ here on it?”

“Yee-esssss,” Garyl replied slowly, still giving Taako the evil eye. “You know what I always say about Lucretia: she… she totes got the oats!”

“Okay!” Taako replied, knuckles turning white as he gripped the handle of the Umbra Staff. “Thanks! For letting me know! About those oat facts!”

“Um,” said Lucretia, which was probably the best reaction that Taako could’ve reasonably hoped for. “I… think I misplaced my oats today. Also, maybe my supply of oats for this entire year?” She reached for her boots. “Is this a hint that I should go back to refereeing kickball?”

“Yes!” Taako blurted out. “Oh, I mean, no, it’s not — I mean, you can leave! But you don’t have to. We don’t mind you being here!”

“We don’t not want you to leave but we also don’t not not not want you to leave,” Garyl added, as if it were a verbal Fantasy Rosetta Stone that would clarify and explain all of Taako’s anxious floundering. “Because we trust and cherish you. And oats! Mostly oats.”

Lucretia slipped her boots back on, then rose from her seat in a regal manner that probably wasn’t intended to intimidate the living daylights out of Taako. “No, you have a point. I should go make sure our secret society doesn’t fracture into warring kickball factions — but I’ll be back to chat more, don’t worry. Hopefully on a day you’re feeling better, Taako.”

She winked at Garyl as she turned to leave. “And I’ll try and remember to bring oats. Gotta move up in those power rankings.”

“It was actually more like a tier list!” Garyl called as she closed the door. When Taako magically locked it behind her, Garyl began pacing around the dorm, his tail swishing with enough force to knock several paintings and decorative vases onto the floor.

“Taako! She never has oats and she knows it! She’s onto us!”

“Yeah, you think?” Taako sunk into the couch Lucretia had vacated, burying his head in his hands. “I need backup who can hear through the static, before she puts it together and comes back to throw me in the brig. I’m calling Kravitz.”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah, you do that. I’ll keep working on the tier list.” As Taako began to reboot his Stone, Garyl accelerated his nervous pacing to a nervous trot.

“Garyl, if this turns into a canter, I swear to gods —” Taako muttered, tapping the Stone’s unresponsive screen with a shaky thumb.

“Sorry.” Garyl slowed to a halt. “Hmm. You trust Davenport more, less, or the same as Lucretia?”

“What, you think he just pretends he can only say his own name to disguise his role as the evil mastermind?” Taako’s stomach churned. “Shit. You might be onto something. Put him below Lucretia on the tier list. Or above? I dunno how —”

“Wait, I’m not following you, man. Since when can Dav can only say his own name?”

Taako groaned. “I’m gonna take a wild guess and say since twelve fucking years ago — alright, finally! Here we go!” His Stone of Farspeech flickered to life, and he navigated to Kravitz’s contact page as quickly as his trembling fingers allowed.

When he hit Call, an eerie silence filled the dorm as he and Garyl listened to one, two, three, four short rings — then, a beep, and a horrendous pre-recorded Cockney accent.

Hullo, greetings, and top o’ the morning! You’ve successfully reached the desk of Kravitz, Emissary of Her Majesty the Raven Queen, but I’m away right now, so if you have a zombie outbreak to report, press 1. If you wish to subscribe to our mailing list of anti-necromancy resources, press 2. If you’re dead and in need of an escort to the Astral Plane, press 3. If you just wanted to have a friendly chat, please leave a message after the caw, and I’ll get back to you once I’m able.

A raven cawed, and Taako started talking:

“Hey, babe, it’s me! Your boy. Um, don’t let me take you away from saving the world from necromancers or anything important like that… but if you’re not busy, I could really use your help, so if you could swing by the moonbase, and — and maybe not tell anyone you’re coming here or that you’re coming to see me — then that would be just swell! Everything’s cool, nothing’s wrong — well, no, you’re a perceptive guy, you can definitely tell something’s wrong — but I’m sure you and me, and Garyl, and maybe Angus will be able to figure it out, no problem! Except, now that I think about it, maybe not Angus, because I’ve put him in enough danger to solve my own problems already — but uh, thanks in advance, love you, see you soon, bye!”

Then he dropped his Stone, grabbed the nearest couch pillow, and screamed into it.

“Hey, hey, relaaax,” Garyl told him. “You heard him — he’ll get back to you soon.”

“Yeah. I know.” Taako took a deep breath, letting the pillow fall to the ground. “He’s just a busy guy, with an important job. He’ll be here as soon as he can…”

Garyl nodded sagely. “And you’d do the same, for him, because that’s love. Unless…”

Taako’s heart skipped a beat. “Unless?”

“Unless someone on the lower end of the trust tier list knows about his connection to you, and to keep hiding the truth, they capture him before he can get here!” Garyl sniffed. “Just like the unicorn mafia captured my dear ol’ uncle…”

Taako pressed the Call button again, and when he was once again directed to voicemail, he picked the pillow back up and resumed screaming.

“Hey, take it easyyy, man. It’s not like they can kill him,” Garyl soothed. “And b’sides, haven’t you got that… that whatsit-called, that magic arrow? You can still check in on him that way, even if the bad guys stole his Stone!”

“Right!” Taako sprung up from the couch, and bolted towards the quiver of arrows that Magnus had casually slung onto the doorknob of his room. “I mean, I’m sure his phone didn’t even get taken from him — he’s eight and a half centuries old, for crying out loud! He probably just misplaced it, or accidentally put it on silent, or… gee, we really don’t have a lot of traditional surfaces to jab arrows into here, do we?”

He glanced around the dorm, gaze finally landing on Magnus’s homemade coffee table. “I’ll just… wedge it in one of the seams in the wood, so it definitely won’t be noticeable, right?”

“You asking me? I’m apparently an amnesia-immune ghost horse, man — what makes ya think I’d ever want or attempt to understand woodworking?”

“Guess you’ve never attempted to understand a rhetorical question, either,” Taako muttered as he crouched on the ground. Clasping the arrow between two hands, he took a deep breath, then plunged it into the coffee table. “Kravitz? I could really use your help, I won’t lie, but — but mostly, I’m worried and just checking in to make sure you’re okay —”

For a sliver of a second, everything seemed to proceed as it should, with an electric blue glow flickering to life inside the arrowhead — and then, it exploded, spitting out fragments of crystal and tongues of vicious astral fire. Taako reflexively turned his head and dropped to the floor, but still felt something sharp and burning prick into his biceps like a red-hot needle, and he held his breath until the sound of shattering crystal halted and the sound of burning wood faded to a faint sizzling.

“So, uh…” Garyl slowly backed away from Magnus’s poor table, which was already more ‘smoldering pile of ash and sapphire dust’ than it was furniture. “This ever happen before?”

“No,” Taako whispered. He raised a hand to touch the stinging point on his arm, and pulled away with a droplet of blood and a tiny pointed crystal both resting atop his index fingertip. “Never —”

“Okay, cool, that narrows down the possibilities,” Garyl concluded. “Either he’s really busy, or we’re really fucked.”

This time, Taako didn’t even bother to grab a pillow before he started screaming.

***

End Notes:

thanks for reading, comments welcomed as always!

next chapter: Ghost Fight (or in other words, we get to see what Kravitz has been up to in the meantime)

[terezis]

29 and 97 with taakitz..? thank u. 😔

29. Wedding Fic

97. Time Travel

ANON, HEY. OH MY GOD.

so you know that post that’s like “i love the idea of ghosts not being dead people but just places where time is kind of thin?”

well, how about a love story where both parties think they’re being haunted, but really they’re being terrorized by (read: falling for) a regular person several centuries out of sync???

broke: exorcising the poltergeist that lives in your basement

woke: crushing on the poltergeist that lives in your basement

bespoke: crushing on some rando who moves into your house like two hundred years in the future after you’ve up and fuckin’ died

i think for my purposes, kravitz is the one living in… let’s say, the 1800s? the early victorian era, maybe? i don’t know anything about history. not important. what’s key is that kravitz is stuck in the past, and taako’s out here living in modern day. they figure out what’s going on pretty quickly, but it’s still kind of a weird situation for them both. they’re making the best of it.

taako finds a music box in the attic, dusty and dented but clearly well-loved. it plays the song that kravitz sings to wake him up in the morning. kravitz leaves faded, yellowed love letters hidden under the floorboards. it’s like a scavenger hunt. it’s a time capsule. the smell of taako’s cooking fills kravitz’s house.

kravitz leaves taako a ring.

they come to really love each other. and honestly? it sucks! this is a shitty situation to be in. sure, they’re “together,” but they’re still centuries apart. from kravitz’s point of view, the love of his life hasn’t even been born yet; his grandchildren, should he choose to have them, won’t live long enough to meet taako.

and from taako’s perspective, kravitz has already died. the guy might as well be a ghost. taako should be leaving flowers at a fuckin’ grave.

WHICH, SPEAKING OF

taako’s curiosity gets the better of him and he (read: angus) does some digging, only to find out that kravitz went missing one day and was never found. it was as if he vanished into thin air; no evidence of foul play, just there one day and gone the next.

extremely distressing! taako is extremely distressed.

worse still: based on the dates of the letters kravitz has been leaving him, the date of his disappearance is coming up fast. it’s very soon. taako’s going to lose him again. in some ways, he already has.

unless… (unless???)

you know how the more emotional/restless a ghost is, the more powerful they tend to be???

when they first met, taako was a set of silverware whirling around kravitz’s kitchen. kravitz was a bump in the middle of the night. but now they’re in love - and, frantic as he is to try to save kravitz, taako is a vision, he’s clear as day. kravitz could almost… just… reach out and touch him. 

so he does.

it’s like when you pull a rubber band too far and it suddenly snaps back into place. one moment, kravitz is standing in his bedroom, kissing the ghostly apparition of his boyfriend in the winter of 1809 on the day he was presumed to have died, and then he opens his eyes and there’s taako: in the flesh. in 2019, wearing his ring. holding his hand.

for the first time, it’s warm.

(no wedding but a wedding eventually is implied, they’ve already exchanged ring(s)!!!)

(also: sequel where kravitz has to get used to suddenly living in the modren era… he is a man out of time… love that… love that for him)

[just-a-caffeine-addict]

Quotes Accrued in a Decade

“…as you well know, the source of the Nile remained invisible to those who lived next to it for a thousand years. Identifying it required a stranger. (A fresh pair of eyes may see what others miss)” –Sherlock Holmes (From The Perils of Sherlock Holmes: Short Stories)

“A couple of years before he died, I kissed my father goodbye. He said, ‘Son, you haven’t kissed me since you were a little boy.’ It went straight to my heart, and I kissed him whenever I saw him after that, and my sons and I always kiss whenever we meet.” –Terry Wogan

“A wise man makes his own decisions, an ignorant man follows the public opinion.” –Chinese Proverb

“All great truths begin as blasphemies.” –George Bernard Shaw

“An army of donkeys led by a lion is better than an army of lions led by a donkey.” –Genghis Khan

"An error does not become truth by reason of multiplied propagation, nor does truth become error because nobody sees it." –Mahatma Gandhi

“Art should comfort the disturbed and disturb the comfortable.” –Cesar A. Cruz

“As we let our light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.” –Marianna Williamson

“Ask not what your country can do for you –ask what you can do for your country.” –John Kennedy

“Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply give you courage.” –Lao Tzu

“Better the devil you know than the devil you don't know.” –English Proverb

“Beware of false knowledge; it is more dangerous than ignorance.” –George Bernard Shaw

“By three methods we may learn wisdom: First, by reflection, which is noblest; Second, by imitation, which is easiest; and third by experience, which is the bitterest.” –Confucius

“Can you really have a bad experiment? I don’t know. But can you have a bad result? Yes.” — EvanAndKatelyn (From Can Resin Preserve a Pumpkin Carving?)

“canon is but the sandbox in which i strike lightning to form glass. trouble me no more with your quibblings and quorums, lest i grind you to dust beneath my heel and build stories from the remnants of your bones. Avast, foul fiend” —taako waititi (From Tumblr)

“Civil war? What does that mean? Is there any foreign war? Isn't every war fought between men, between brothers?” —Victor Hugo

“Cucullus non facit monachum (A cowl does not make a monk).” – Fool/Feste (From Twelfth Night)

“Demons run when a good man goes to war…” –River Song (From Doctor Who)

“Due to high cost of ammo, there will be NO WARNING SHOTS FIRED.” –Warning sign

“Every couple needs to argue now and then. Just to prove that the relationship is strong enough to survive. Long-term relationships, the ones that matter, are all about weathering the peaks and the valleys.” –Nicholas Sparks (From Safe Haven)

“Everyone gives the title of barbarism to everything that is not in use in his own country.” –Michel de Montaigne (From Of Cannibals)

“Families are the compass that guide us. They are the inspiration to reach great heights, and our comfort when we occasionally falter.” –Brad Henry

“Fiction reveals truth that reality obscures.” –Ralph Waldo Emerson

“Fools take a knife and stab people in the back. The wise take a knife, cut the cord, and set themselves free from the fools.” –Unknown

“Forget injuries, never forget kindnesses.” –Chinese Proverb

“Genius is one percent inspiration and ninety-nine percent perspiration.” –Thomas Edison

“Herr, wirf Hern vom Himmel -oder Steine, Hauptsache er trifft (Lord, throw some brains from the heavens -or stones, as long as he hits the mark)!” –German Proverb

“History is for human self-knowledge...the only clue to what man can do is what man has done. The value of history, then, is that it teaches us what man has done and thus what man is.” —R.G. Collingwood

“Humor is emotional chaos remembered in tranquility.” –James Thurber

“I can pretend I’m a fish, but I shouldn’t try to breathe underwater.” –Unknown

“I have the patience of a saint. Saint Cunty McFuckOff.” –Words on a cup

“I have not failed. I’ve just found 1,000 ways that won’t work.” –Thomas Edison

“I made some good deals and I made some bad ones. I really went in the hole with this one.” –Quote on a grave

“I occasionally think, how quickly our differences worldwide would vanish if we were facing an alien threat from outside this world. And yet, I ask is not an alien force ALREADY among us?” –Ronald Reagan

“If I have seen further than others, it is by standing on the shoulders of giants.” –Isaac Newton

“If our impulses were confined to hunger, thirst, and desire, we might nearly be free; but now we are moved by every wind that blows, and a chance word or scene that that word may convey to us.” –Victor Frankenstein (From Frankenstein)

“If the world tells me I’m mad, whereas I know I’m not, which of us is right? Thus, being mad is what? Inventing a life one hasn’t lived or loving a woman met in another lifetime? Is it clinging to unsatisfied desires?..” Doriel (From A Mad Desire to Dance)

“If you’re afraid - don’t do it, - if you’re doing it - don’t be afraid!” –Genghis Khan

“If you’re going to be a writer, the first essential is just to write. Do not wait for an idea. Start writing something and the ideas will come. You have to turn the faucet on before the water starts to flow.” —Louis L’Amour

"If you're not asking the questions in a thoughtful way, you're not going to get any results that are useful or interesting." –Tony Wagner

“If your actions inspire others to dream more, learn more, do more, and become more, you are a leader.” –John Quincy Adams

“I'm the one that's got to die when it's time for me to die, so let me live my life the way I want to.” –Jimi Hendrix (From Axis: Bold as Love)

"Imagine a world in which every single person on the planet has free access to the sum of all human knowledge." –Jimmy Wales (Founder of Wikipedia)

"In caucus terrae, luscus rex est (In the land of the blind, the one-eyed man is king)." –Latin Adage

“In the end, it’s not the years in your life that count. It’s the life in your years.” –Abraham Lincoln

“In time of universal deceit, telling the truth is a revolutionary act.” –George Orwell

“It is better to be hated for what you are than to be loved for what you are not.” –André Gide (From Autumn Leaves)

"It's not that I'm so smart. But I stay with the questions much longer." –Albert Einstein

“It’s true. I forget important things sometimes… Sometimes I do think I should give up-- just let the crown win and the world freeze, with me in it. Some days I can’t remember a single reason to keep fighting. Some… Some days I-- I can’t remember her. But giving up’s EASY. You know what’s hard? To BELIEVE in your own worth, to KNOW you’ve got something special in you even if nobody else can see it. Even when YOU can’t.” –Ice King |Simon Petrikov from Adventure Time

“Learn yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow.” –Albert Einstein

“Learning to trust is one of life’s most difficult tasks.” –Isaac Watts

“Life is a dream for the wise, a game for the fool, a comedy for the rich, a tragedy for the poor.” –Sholom Aleichem

“Love is friendship that has caught fire. It is quiet understanding, mutual confidence, sharing and forgiving. It is loyalty through good and bad times. It settles for less than perfection and makes allowances for human weaknesses.” –Ann Landers

“Love takes off masks that we fear we cannot live without and know we cannot live within.” –James Baldwin

“Memory is a way of holding onto the things you love, the things you are, the things you never want to lose.” —“The Wonder Years”

“My family is my strength and my weakness.” –Aishwarya rai Bachchan

“Names are the sweetest and the most important sounds in any language.” –Dale Carnegie

“No man chooses evil because it is evil; he only mistakes it for happiness, the good he seeks.” –Mary Wollstonecraft

"No mortal can keep a secret. If his lips are silent, he chatters with his fingertips." –Sigmund Freud

“No one realizes how beautiful it is to travel until he comes home and rests his head on his old, familiar pillow.” –Lin Yutang

“NO TRESPASSING. Violators will be shot; Survivors will be shot again.” –Warning Sign

“Nobody knows you as well as our spouse. And that means no one will be quicker to recognize a change when you deliberately start sacrificing your wants and wishes to make sure his or her needs are met.” –Stephen Kendrick from The Love Dare

“Notice: Anyone found here at night will be found here in the morning.” –Warning Sign

“"One thing nature is very good at is creating incredibly complex microscopic structures. That's because nature's machines are the size of molecules, while our crude versions are the size of rooms." –Theodore Gray (from Molecules: The Elements and Architecture of Everything)

“Only the sufferers know how their bellies ache.“ –Burmese

“People never lie so much as after a hunt, during a war, or before an election.” –Otto von Bismarck

“People think intimacy is about sex. But intimacy is about truth. When you realize you can tell someone your truth, when you can show yourself to them, when you stand in front of them bare and their response is ‘You’re safe with me’ - that’s intimacy.” –Taylor Jenkins Reid (From The Seven Husbands of Evelyn Hugo)

“Play taps for my ass, cause it’s dead as hell.” –Unknown Quote

“Six of one, half a dozen of the other. (It doesn't matter which one we choose; Equally involved, equally responsible)”

“Sometimes people are beautiful. Not in looks. Not in what they say. Just in what they are.” –Markus Zusak (From I Am the Messenger)

“Speak softly and carry a big stick; you will go far.” –Theodore Roosevelt

“Start where you are. Use what you have. Do what you can” –Arthur Ashe

“Take nothing but pictures; Leave nothing but footprints; Kill nothing but time.” –Caver’s Creed

“Take with a pinch of salt (Don’t completely believe what’s told).”

“The bond that links your true family is not one of blood, but of respect and joy in each other’s life.” –Richard Bach

“The end of one thing is only the beginning of another.” –Unknown

“The family is a haven in a heartless world.” –Attributed to Christopher Lasch

“The helper seeks to help others because he knows what it is to be helpless.” –’ Zen’ Wander (From Wander Over Yonder)

"The million-dollar question: Why aren't we kinder? The second million-dollar question: How might we become more loving, more open, less selfish, more present, less

delusional?" –George Sanders

“The need for a body of common knowledge and common reference ...grows more necessary so that people of different origins and occupation may quickly find common ground and, as we say, speak a common language...it also ensures a kind of mutual confidence and good will. One is not addressing an alien, blank as a stone wall, but a responsive creature whose mind is filled with the same images, memories, and vocabulary as oneself.” —Jacques Barzun

“The ones that stay with you through everything - they're your true best friends. Don't let go of them.” –Marilyn Monroe

“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself!” –Roosevelt

“The only time you should look in your neighbor's bowl is to make sure you have enough.” –Louie CK

“The only way to deal with an unfree world is to become so absolutely free that your very existence is an act of rebellion.” –Albert Camus

“The sacrifice which causes sorrow to the doer of the sacrifice is no sacrifice. Real sacrifice lightens the mind of the doer and gives him a sense of peace and joy. The Buddha gave up the pleasures of life because they had become painful to him.” –Mahatma Gandhi

“The secret of a good memory is attention, and attention to a subject depends upon our interest in it. We rarely forget that which has made a deep impression on our minds.” —Tryon Edwards

“The secret to humor is surprise.” –Aristotle

“The surplus wealth of the few will become, in the best sense, the property of many, because administered for the common good.” –Andrew Carnegie

“The true soldier fights not because he hates what is in front of him, but because he loves what is behind him.” –G.K. Chesterson

"The word 'why' not only taught me to ask, but also to think. And thinking has never hurt anyone. On the contrary, it does us all a world of good." –Anne Frank

“The world breaks everyone and afterward many are strong in the broken places.” –Ernest Hemingway From A Farewell To Arms

“There is no satisfaction in vengeance unless the offender has time to realize who it is that strikes him, and why retribution had come upon him.” –Jefferson Hope From Sherlock’s Adventures

“There will be something you hate in every job. The trick is finding a job where you love the good parts enough to make up for the crappy parts.” –post

“There’s a name for you ladies, but it isn’t used in high society… outside of a kennel.” –Crystal (From The Women of 1939)

“Though we tremble before uncertain futures… may we dance in the face of our fears.” –Gloria Anzaldua

“To forget the dead would be akin to killing them a second time.” –Elie Wiesel (From Night)

“Un sot trouve toujours un plus sot qui l’admire (A fool always finds a fool to admire him).” – Sherlock Holmes (French translation)

“We’re taught Lord Acton’s axiom: all power corrupts, absolute power corrupts absolutely[...] I believed that when we started these books, but I don’t believe it’s always true anymore. [...] What I believe is always true about power is that power always reveals. When you have enough power to do what you always wanted to do, then you see what the guy always wanted to do.” –Robert A. Caro

“We call that person who has lost his father, an orphan; and a widower that man who has lost his wife. But that man who has known the immense unhappiness of losing a friend, by what name do we call him? Here every language is silent and holds its peace in impotence.” –Joseph Roux

“What we have done to ourselves alone, dies with us; what we have done for others and the world remains and is immortal.” –Brother Albert Pike

“When everything seems to be going against you, remember that the airplane takes off against the wind, not with it.” –Henry Ford

“When you wish upon a star, you’re a few million light years late. That star is dead. Just like your dreams.” –Unknown

“When you’re a brat, running fast is enough to make you popular. When you’re a middle-schooler, the guys who can fight will be popular, and after that it’s the guys with brains who can get the girls.” –Master of Protagonist (From The Fruit of Grisaia)

“Where we love is home –home where our feet may leave, but not our hearts.” –Oliver Wendell Holmes, Sr.

“Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something.” –Plato

“You are the company you keep.” –Unknown

“You must be imaginative, strong-hearted. You must try things that may not work, and you must not let anyone define your limits because of where you come from. Your only limit is your soul" –Chef Gusteau (From Ratatouille)

“You walk around a drunk, you get a tired drunk. Splash ‘em with water, you get a wet drunk. Give ‘em a coffee, you’ve got a wide-awake drunk…” –Unknown

[dork-empress]

The Time Travelers (Immortal) Husband Part 4

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3

CW Angst. NPC is named for @teragram-21 who replied on part 2 of this fic. Thank you!

Kravitz had never seen so much death in his un-life. 

He was getting to be one of the older reapers now, but he’d heard stories of plagues and world catastrophes that had knocked out entire civilizations. This wasn’t like that. This was war. The humans were at war nearly constantly. It started suddenly and hadn’t settled for a year now. 

After a lot of guesswork, he learned of something called the Relics, items of great magical power that did incredible and terrifying things, the worst of which was just making people want them. 

It saddened Kravitz to see this level of catastrophe, but for most of it, there was nothing he could do. Except for one. 

There were a pair of dangerous liches that had achieved one of the relics, a pair that Kravitz had been trying to capture for years. With their new power, they were unstoppable, even for Reapers. Until now.  

A man named Gram had found Kravitz by tracking down a necromancy cult he’d been hunting. He offered to help guide Kravitz through Wonderland. Kravitz, of course, expected trickery, but the man was genuine. “They took my brother,” he told Kravitz, “They have...they have to be stopped.”

Kravitz brought him to the entrance in the Felicity Wilds, when he heard a voice behind him. “Hey babe,” Taako said, “You mind holding that guy still for me? It’ll make my life a bunch easier.”

Kravitz turned on Taako, opening his mouth to speak, when Gram yelled, “One of the birds!” he said, hiding behind Kravitz’ cloak, “Stop him! He’s one of the ones that made them!” 

Kravitz scowled, “Don’t lie,” Kravitz said, “Taako would never--”

Taako made a motion with his hand and a noncommittal noise. Kravitz turned on him slowly. “Look, dude, it was a long time ago!” Taako said, “Well, for me, anyway. Anywho, that dude’s from the future, so uh--”

“I’m trying to SAVE the future!” Gram spat at him, “You think because you swept in years later to stop everyone dying it erases all the destruction you caused?!”

Kravitz stared, dumbfounded at Taako, but Taako didn’t deny it. Swallowing back some emotion Kravitz couldn’t place, he raised his knitting needle like a spear. “Krav, out of the way please.”

Instinctively Kravitz stepped in front of Gram to protect him. “You..” he stuttered out, words unsteady as his view of reality fell apart around him, “YOU did this?”

Taako sighed, “It’s...complicated,” he said, “there’s this whole song and...and you’ll understand one day, and--”

“He’s a death criminal,” Gram said, “He died 8 whole times! Never once went to the astral plane!” Kravitz’ frown deepened, “Look it up in your book! It’s true!” 

“Ok, I’m gettin’ REAL sick of you,” Taako said, “Now come quietly, or--” Gram spit at him, “Alright, not quietly then.” He charged with the needle.

Kravitz countered with his scythe. “Babe,” Taako said, “What are you doing?”

“You lied to me,” Kravitz said, jaw clenched. 

“Whoa, hey,” Taako said, disengaging, “I never lied! You know there are some things I had to keep from you.”

“You--” Kravitz struck at him with his scythe again, which he artfully dodged. “In the name of the Raven Queen, I’m bringing you in!”

Taako sighed, tired, “You really don’t want to do this..”

Kravitz was shaking. If he had blood it would be rushing in his ears. He let out a scream and struck out at Taako again, and again. Taako blocked each and every strike with an annoying level of ease. “Stop! Patronizing me!” Kravitz said, “I am emissary to the Raven Queen, Senior Reaper of the Astral Plane, and you do NOT know better than me!”  Taako put out his hand, and Kravitz was thrown back. He didn’t need to breath, but that was all that prevented him from hyperventilating. “Why don’t you deal with that time relic, hmm? Shouldn’t that be a priority?”

“I’ll get to it!” Taako said, and Kravitz lunged again. This time he put up his hand and Kravitz felt chains encircle him, pinning his limbs to his side. He couldn’t shift out of it, or even revert to his ball of light form. “Shit,” Taako said, then raced off. 

Kravitz could just barely twist his head to see where Taako had run off to. He was following Gram, who’d run for the door to Wonderland. As he did, the chains pulled Kravitz with him like a leash. 

Taako was almost on him, when Gram ran through the door, and Wonderland shut him in. Taako pounded on what was now solid wall, and backed up. “I was just going to send him back,” Taako said, “Back to the future. Solid movie.” Kravitz frowned, as Taako turned to him. “He’s going to die in there. And you would have too, if you went. Permanently, I mean.” 

Kravitz continued to struggle against his chains, but couldn’t move an illusory muscle. “Are you waiting for a ‘Thank you?’” 

Taako looked...so much older than he ever had. Not wise, just tired. He waved his hand, and the chains released him. “If you come back here, the chains go back up,” Taako said, “You don’t...This isn’t your destiny.”

Kravitz swallowed, “What happened to making our own destinies?” 

Taako tried to smile, but it came out strained, “You will,” he said, “In your own way.” He ripped a hole in the fabric of time and waved back, “I’ll see you later, babe,” and he left Kravitz alone.

Part 5 Part 6 Part 7 Part 8 Part 9 Part 10 Part 11

[semper-legens]

83. The Adventure Zone: Petals to the Metal, by Clint McElroy and Carey Pietsch

Owned?: Yes Page count: 248 My summary: Trés Horny Boys are back again! Taako, Merle, and Magnus are on the hunt for another Grand Relic - this time, the Gaia Sash, which offers dominion over plants. But its current owner, the Raven, will not give it up easily. Can the boys race their way to victory? My rating: 5/5 My commentary:

Ah, The Adventure Zone. I think I’m late to this particular party, everyone and their mother has probably read this by now. Still, I got it and I read it and now you gotta listen to my thoughts about it - I’m going to talk mostly about how the comic is adapted, less about the original plot, this is your heads-up.

So how well is the comic adapted? On the whole, pretty well. It’s been a while since I re-listened to TAZ, so I’ll admit I’m not the most familiar with the plot as presented in the podcast.

Petals to the Metal is one of my least favourite arcs in the podcast, simply because of the pacing on the battlewagons section - racing is a thing I’m not really into, and I feel like the length of the race kind of drags after a while. Happily, this was less present in comic form! The race got a proportionate amount of focus to the other stuff - though because of the complexities of distilling a roughly eleven hour arc into a comic book, some of it feels rushed to me? I guess that’s just due to knowing exactly how it went down in the podcast, and it’s not like the comic has the page-time to sit around watching the boys make decisions step by step.

And of course, there’s the ability to make it feel a lot more prose-y, by having foreshadowing to later events that Griffin couldn’t put into the original. I love the ending of this version, foreshadowing the Hunger and the Day of Story and Song with Lucretia, as well as little background elements like Lucretia’s reaction to hearing what the trio saw during the Lunar Interlude.

One major change is to Hurley and Sloane - they are more explicitly girlfriends, and they get a happier ending! In the original, Griffin reportedly walked straight into the ‘bury your gays’ trope without realising that was a thing, and rectified it in the finale. Here, though, Hurley and Sloane are allowed to explicitly be alive earlier, and it’s adorable. I love them.

Overall, a good adaptation and a good comic! Love to see what they do with the material.

[sasspotato]

Might be a hot take but like upon my relistening to TAZ: Balance, I still am left with an unpopular opinion about the Madame Director, Lucretia, herself. Stunning revelations are one way to put it, but nonetheless incredible. I enjoyed the character but I absolutely despise what she’s done. I feel like she still doesn’t really get it even after they defeat The Hunger.

Don’t get me wrong, Griffin masterfully weaves this absolutely stunning tale of heartbreak, family, and bonds throughout all of Balance. The character of Lucretia is so well developed, I can understand why she did what she did. But I can’t forgive her. I don’t see how Barry or Taako could either.

The crew voted against her idea but she went against everyone’s will, erasing their minds. She was salty they didn’t choose her plan. She saw what they had done to the world by making the relics and she decided to do what she wanted to do. Break the bonds. Even though she’d been told by the effing science officer that the world and it’s people would not survive that.

The crew decided. They voted! They even told her that if it didn’t work, they’d try her idea next. Unsatisfied, but not willing to go against her family of 100 long years, Lucretia goes along with the plan. Makes a relic.

I’m not sure when she started planning to take over and decide for “everyone’s own good” but she wrote the second account of the adventures they’d been on. Lucretia had decided she would be the saviour at all costs. She decided that she knew best. It was incredibly selfish of her - so selfish I don’t even have words for it. What she did to her supposed family was horrific.

She left Lup no chance at being discovered if no one remembered her. She took away Taako’s memory of his beloved sister. Davenport’s treatment was even more ghoulish. And she hunted for Barry. She vilified him and tried to chase him down, knowing that he would try to fix things. She planned to lock him away just like she did Pringles.

It seems almost as if she is a petulant child not getting their way against their parent. And she comes away with, in my opinion, not having learnt the lesson.

That cycle where she was alone and had to run for a year from the judges and the hostile world most definitely changed her. She learnt that running away was the way to survive while ether others were just beginning to learn to stay and fight.

My problem is when she decided everyone’s fate by feeding the journal to the baby voidfish. Personally, that’s why I do not like her. I cannot get over how badly she fucked up and decided she would be the one to fix it. You can’t always do things on your own and she learnt from that cycle alone, that maybe, yes she could do it alone. She needed her family’s guidance. I am convinced that after enough time, they would have gathered the relics themselves to make a final stand against The Hunger. She forced them to do it unprepared and fractured. They had to repair the bonds forged over 100 long years and learn to trust each other again before the fight all because she took it away from them. If they had lost that battle, it would have been her fault.

I don’t have any sympathy for Lucretia or how guilty she feels and I maintain that Barry would never trust her or even look at her the same way again. Taako might be convinced to ignore his trust issues, but I believe the issues are still there. What she did was too catastrophic and too much of a breach in trust for them to get over it.

Still, such a great story and I was thrilled to be taken on such an emotional ride, it’s just everywhere I see people loving Lucretia and I just can’t overlook all the bad shit

[queertazsecretsanta]

A gift for @mitraki, created by @one-true-houselight!

Some Team Sweet Flips training, and appearances from Magnus, Avi, Angus, and Taako! Some minor voidfish angst

~~

A Robot, a Dragonborn, and an Orc Expertly Dodge Under a Bar

NO-3113 focused in on the target standing ten feet across the room and ran through some basic coding. Since remembering her previous life, she had realized this habit was her robotic way of taking a few deep breaths before doing things; both were processes that normally went on in the background, but focusing on them helped ground her, in some strange way. 

Being a ghost in a robot body had a habit of making her more introspective, sometimes. 

She stepped back, just a little, before hurling herself forward, rolling neatly into a ball before exploding back upwards and delivering a round of precise kicks to the target. It shuddered before her final kick sent it flying backwards, its defeat scored by the cheers of Carey and Killian. 

“NO-3113, that was fantastic!” called Killian, jogging over to give her a fistbump. “You’re coming along so quickly, I remember that move taking me weeks.”

“Thanks,” NO-3113 said shyly. “I guess I just have really good teachers.” 

Carey socked her lightly on the arm. “Aw shucks, girl. You know flattery won’t get you out of cardio, right?”

“Wouldn’t dream of it,” NO-3113 said with a chuckle. 

Killian checked the clock on the wall before saying, “Though, before that, we should take a break.” Carey glanced up as well and nodded before making her way over to her bag, pulling out a piece of wood and a knife. 

“How’re your carpentry lessons with Magnus coming?” Killian asked, plopping down next to her girlfriend. 

“What do you think?” Carey held up the wood, and NO-3113 could tell it was almost segmented, with a higher, rounded portion at one end. Killian squinted at it as Carey brought it back to a level she could continue carving at. 

“Carey, I think that looks almost like…something.” Carey nudged Killian with her shoulder, who laughed before quickly adding, “Which I think is an accomplishment! I don’t think I could make a piece of wood look like something, you know?”

“Thanks, babe, your support means the world to me.” Even though her tone was sarcastic, Carey grinned at Killian before leaning over and kissing her on the cheek. “And this is loads better than what I started with, so I’m pleased, ya know?”

“My younger brother used to carve little things all the time,” said NO-3113, valvles in her shoulders whistling happily at the thought. “He made me a little cockatrice once, I was obsessed with them as a kid.”

“You’re kidding!”

“Oh yeah, I read every book I could get my hands on. I used to play this game where I’d stand really still and when people would ask what I was doing, I would say I got bit by a cockatrice and was petrified.” The two other reclaimers laughed as NO-3113 added, “That joke got less funny to my parents when I tried to use it to get out of chores.”

It was a little weird sometimes, talking about her life before waking up in a metal body. But it felt nice too, as if there wasn’t a gnawing divide between the two parts of her life. The fact that her friends rolled with it too was just icing on the cake. 

As Carey continued carving and the three continued to idly chat, NO-3113 heard familiar footsteps coming towards the doorway of the gym. Sure enough, Magnus charged in and triumphantly dropped a green, grey, white, and black striped scarf in front of Carey. 

Carey stared at it for a second before looking up. “What’s this?”

“You sent me to take something from someone’s bag without them knowing. I got this from Avi!” 

Carey’s eyes lit up. “Oh, sweet! Good job Mags. What was your approach?” 

“Well, I went up to him and started talking about the secret assignment he’s been doing for the Director…” As part of Magnus’ rogue training, Carey had made up a scavenger hunt of sneaky activities for Magnus to complete (with permission from other base residents, of course). Thus far he had picked Taako’s lock (and found the elf himself inside, stone faced as he shot sparks into the air), followed Merle around for ten straight minutes (and then jumped out and scared him; Merle had yelled ‘I’M FUCKING READY MAGNUS STOP’, to Magnus’ confusion), and now had this scarf of Avi’s. 

Once Magnus finished his explanation (fidgeting the whole time, naturally), Carey nodded thoughtfully. “Nice technique, getting a mark to be distracted by seemingly ‘forbidden info’. Now, before I send you on your next task, I need to check that my associate is ready.” She pulled out her Stone of Far Speech and pressed a few buttons. “Agent Holmes, are you ready for Magnus?”

NO-3113 was confused for a second, not recognizing the name. But then, the Stone crackled. “Uh, yeah, definitely, for sure. This is Agent Holmes, which is my name, and I am ready in the agreed upon rendezvous point.” It sounded as if Angus McDonald was talking through a pencil stuck between his teeth. 

Magnus nodded sagely, clearly fighting off a grin. “Alright, I’ll meet, uh, Agent Holmes. Where am I going?” 

“Cafeteria. He’ll explain your assignment once you get there.”

“Great,” cheered Magnus, bouncing towards the door. “Tell him I need to grab my scarf, and I’ll be right over.” Carey gave him a thumbs up as he disappeared through the doorway. 

She relayed the information, and the Stone crackled again, this time with a non-altered Angus’ voice. “Ok. Was that ok? I tried to disguise my voice, I don’t know if it worked. I read this trick about putting a pencil in your mouth, and I wanted to try it, because I’m an agent today and all.”

“You were great, Ango,” called Killian. 

“Yeah, I was swept away by the gravitas,” said NO-3113. 

“Oh good! Thank you, ma’ams!” Carey smiled as the channel crackled off, then pressed a few more buttons. 

“Hey Avi,” she said, stretching her neck. “You got got by Mags, want to come pick up your item?”

“Aw shit, is that why he was pestering me about my top secret mission?”

Carey grinned. “I’m afraid so, my dude.” 

Some muffled cursing came over the line before Avi muttered, “I’ll be by in a few. Man, you’re teaching Magnus well, aren’t ya?”

“Of course she is, ya goof,” said Killian, wrapping an arm around Carey. Small frills around Carey’s neck rose a little in embarrassment, but she grinned at Killian all the same. 

The stone crackled off again. Carey tucked it away and went back to her carving. She gestured at the scarf with her knife, asking, “I’ve never seen Avi wear this, wonder if it’s new?”

Killian shrugged. “It’s a pretty color scheme.”

NO-3113, upon hearing that, realized she recognized the color scheme. “It’s the aromantic flag.”

“Oh, I think you’re right!” Carey nodded, staring off into the middle distance. “I think I’ve seen Johann with a pin-oh my god, this is probably a present for Johann!”

“That’s the best!” Killian sighed. “I need to learn the flags better, honestly.” 

NO-3113 shrugged. “Same. I just remember that one because I had a little flag back home.” 

Killian and Carey looked up in surprise. “I didn’t know you were aro, NO-3113.”

“It just never came up, I guess.” NO-3113 felt her fans running a little faster. She had only just started coming out before her death, and it had kind of fallen to the wayside after her robotic awakening. It was all still new, in the grand scheme of things. 

“Well,” Carey said, leaning forward, clearly used to this speech. “The moon base is super accepting, as you’ve hopefully noticed. Garfield will order any pride stuff you want up here, and we have a Queer meetup every month!”

“The next one’s next week,” Killian chimed in. Carey nodded enthusiastically. “If you’re comfortable with it, of course.”

“Yeah, I think that’d be great. Thanks.” NO-3113 looked down, fans still whirring in the excitement. She saw where Killian and Carey has put gold star stickers on her torso, and had a thought. “Hey, I could probably get a pretty rad aro sticker.”

“Hell yeah!” As Carey cheered, Avi came in, his normal grin on his face. 

“I hear an item of mine has been recovered?” Carey held up the scarf. Avi suddenly blushed, quickly saying, “Oh, I’m glad I’m getting it back now, I need it in like, twenty minutes.”

“It’s for Johann, right?” 

Avi blushed deeper. “Yeah, he was saying he hadn’t had a chance recently to get any pride stuff, so I figured…”

Killian stood up and patted Avi on the shoulder. “That’s so sweet, I’m sure he’ll love it.” Avi grinned appreciatively. 

“Was it hard finding aro stuff?” Asked NO-3113. “I’m gonna try and get some stuff soon.”

“Nope! Garfield has a pretty complete catalog.” Avi bounced a little. “If you’re comfortable with it, you should tell Johann you’re aro too, he’ll appreciate the company.”

“For sure, yeah! I’m planning on going to the meetup next week.”

“Radical!” Avi took the scarf and wrapped it up. “Well ladies, I best be off. Places to see, things to do-“

“Scarves to give,” said Killian with a grin. Avi made finger guns at her before walking out with a final wave. 

Once Avi had left, Carey, Killian, and NO-3113 stood back up to get back to training. Before they could, however, they heard Magnus walking down the hallway. NO-3113’s back was to the door, but she spun when Carey’s eyes widened at its occupant. 

Magnus was leaning on the doorway, clothes ripped. He seemed to be smoking slightly as well, but he had a wild grin on his face as he held up a scroll, which appeared to be miraculously undamaged. 

“Magnus, are you good?” Asked Killian. 

“Yeah! That was the best challenge yet!” As Magnus chattered enthusiastically, Angus slipped into the room, a slightly sheepish grin on his face. 

Carey turned to the small boy with a grin. “How was the mission, Agent Holmes?”

Angus straightened up a little. “Um, well…” He scrunched his eyebrows together before saying in a low voice, “Ma’am, I don’t have my pencil for my voice.” 

“You don’t need it, kiddo. You don’t need the cover anymore.”

“Oh, ok! Well, I prepared a few spells, with the help of Agent, um, Umbrella-“

At that point, Taako pokes his head into the door. “Agent Umbrella?”

“I was under pressure!”

Taako grinned and mussed with Angus’ hair. “I’m messing with ya, Ang- Sorry, Agent Holmes. Proceed with your report.”

Angus nodded and continued, “The subject was surprised by the addition of magical elements, and stepped right into the fire bolt trap, but adapted quickly and, as you can see, procured the scroll.”

Carey nodded. “Very good, Agent Holmes. Now, Magnus,” she said, turning to her student. “What have we learned from this exercise?”

“How to avoid being set on fire!” Before Carey could respond, he quickly added, “And, probably more importantly, to never assume you know what you’re stepping into.”

“Very good,” Carey said approvingly. “Alright, I think we can be done for the day. Nice scarf, by the way.” NO-3113, who had been distracted by the smoke coiling from his hair, finally noticed the trans pride scarf around his neck. 

“Oh thanks! Someone made it for me a while ago, and it’s still going strong.” A shadow passed over his face. “I think it’s a matching set, actually, I just can’t remember who…” At that point, Taako got a similar look, and NO-3113 remembered Carey and Killian telling her in a low voice her first day here that these two, along with Merle, had strange moments like this, and that the best thing they found to do was let them work through it, then continue the conversation when they were ready. 

It was only a few moments later that Magnus and Taako shook themselves out of whatever had taken hold of their minds. “But yeah, I’m all about pride scarves! They keep me warm, and they have rad colors!” 

“Yeah,” Carey responded, easily sliding past the lapse. “Avi’s getting an aro one for Johann.”

“Oh, those two are adorable,” sighed Taako. “Are they together, or still dancing?”

“Still dancing,” said Killian. 

“Speaking of adorable,” Magnus said in a teasing tone. “That Kravitz seemed to-“

Taako looked down, fidgeting with seam of his coat. “Oh you know, fighting like that just, you know, the tension, the mystery-“

“The accent.” Taako summoned Mage Hand and shoved Killian, who cackled. “Ok, ok, I’ll stop, sorry Taako.”

“It’s fine,” mumbled Taako. “It’s just been a while, I guess.” 

Magnus, who has been grinning at the banter, suddenly got a look of consternation on his face. “Wait, Angus said you helped him, Taako?”

“Yeah, why?”

“Why were you setting me on fire?”

Taako scoffed. “Oh, so it’s ok when the ten year old does it, but when I do it-“

“We’re teammates, don’t you want me ready-“

“Hey, I just want to make sure you’re properly trained!” Magnus threw up his hands at that, and the others in the room were chuckling. Taako shrugged. “Besides, I trust Angus. He wouldn’t have let you get hurt.”

Angus beamed. “Thank you, sir!” 

“Alright, alright,” said Killian, looking at the clock. “We’ve gotta get back to training, so unless you want to do some pushups, we’ll see you later.”

“Absolutely not,” said Taako, backing towards the door. “Come on, Angus, you have to tell me about your magics.”

“Bye! See you all later!” Angus called with a wave, following Taako out the door. 

Magnus looked at Carey. “Am I good?”

“Yeah! Good work today, I might stop by later to do carving stuff.” Magnus gave her a thumbs up, gave a salute to Killian and NO-3113, and walked out. 

NO-3113 watched the door for a little bit, basking in the happiness of all her new friends. She jumped a little when she felt a hand on her shoulder. Killian was standing next to her, head cocked. “What’s the goofy grin for?”

“I’m just happy I get a chance to have this life, to know all of you.” NO-3113 looked away, but not before seeing Killian and Carey exchange a pleased look. 

“We’re glad we get to know you too, NO-3113.” Without warning, Carey stepped forward and hugged her, Killian joining in a moment later. NO-3113 hugger back, careful not to crush her friends. 

Carey looked around at the three of them before throwing her head back and whooping, “Team Sweet Flips forever!” Killian and NO-3113 cheered too, and then they went back to training, their movements and their hearts ever more in sync.

[mollymauk-teafleak]

A Gentleman’s Guide to Dancing (chapter two)

For the ever wonderful @minky-for-short and @spiky-lesbian

Chapter One

Please leave a comment on Ao3! 

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“And where do you think you’re going at this time of the day, young lady?”

It was their little joke, between the two of them, one that wouldn’t get old. Taako knew fine well where his sister was going when he caught her at the door, in her nicest day dress with her hair done up in elaborate braids protected from the wind by a silken scarf that had been a gift from their aunt, with a basket hanging from one arm that was emanating a distinct, sweet sugar smell.

“None of your business,” she told him primly but with a wicked grin, one that lifted her freckled cheeks.

Taako leaned in the doorway, eyeing his sister with his best impression of a stern older brother, “Definitely not going to meet that scoundrel of a blacksmith in town?”

“I’m sure I don’t know who you’re talking about,” Lup checked her hair in the silvered hall mirror, “The only scoundrel I know is you.”

Taako had to laugh at that, rolling his eyes, “Well, give Barold my best. Tell him I hope he enjoys the cookies I spent all of yesterday making…”

His sister turned a pleading look on him, delicately moving the basket behind her back, “There were only ten left anyway! And he does really like them.”

He waved her off with a dismissive hand, “It’s fine, it’s fine. I’ll just make more. Or starve, whichever. Have fun.”

Taako expected to hear the door open and shut in quick succession, Lup as eager as ever to go do whatever she did with her gentleman caller that he definitely didn’t want to think about. But instead she lingered, eyes now on him rather than her reflection though there were enough similarities between the two.

“Taako…”

He stifled a sigh. He knew this as well, as familiar as their joke, though this was starting to grate on him more. Lup gazing at him whenever she would leave to meet Barry, guilt and a little bit of pity in her eyes. Like she was tensing the bond between them, putting strain on it and felt like she should apologise.

Taako couldn’t stand that. He couldn’t bear the fact that his sister felt she had to apologise for being happy.

It was true that for years they’d had nothing but each other, knowing each other inside and out, forming shelters for each other when nothing else made sense. But the older they both got, the more he realised Lup needed more than him. She needed someone dependable and brave, who went around fixing problems. Someone she could build something with, rather than hide in.

Lup needed Barry in a way she’d never need Taako again.

He knew that. He just didn’t like being reminded of it.

He loped forward, meeting her in the square of morning sunlight coming in through the leaded glass, reaching forward and tucking a loose strand of golden hair back into the safety of the silk.

“You never do braids as neatly as me,” he smirked, patting her cheek before stepping back, “Go have fun, Lup. Don’t you dare come back before midnight.”

Lup looked as if there was more she wanted to say but eventually sighed, a small smile that was sad and grateful all at once, carrying the weight of everything they hadn’t said, “I love you, Koko. I’ll see you later.”

“Same to you, Lulu,” Taako fixed a smile on his face that carried nothing but what it was, quite deliberately, “Love ya.”

The house did feel so much emptier when she was gone.

Taako sighed softly, suddenly not wanting to go back to his book. He had the restless, fidgety energy that he sometimes got, the prickling under his skin and the swimming in his vision. He either needed to fire off some spells as quickly as possible or he needed to cook something.

Seeing as Lup had just made off with the last of the cookies he made the other day, he chose the second.

Taako was well aware that young men of his station were supposed to never set foot in the kitchen. But he was already clinging to said station by the very edges of his fingertips and cooking funneled his restlessness into something tasty and useful so he saw little harm in indulging himself within his own home.

He’d always loved it, in fact, and illuminating the manor’s kitchen with a wave of his hand brought a rush of fondness and, just for a moment, made him five years old again. Tiny and slight with ears so big he couldn’t hold them up and a broken heart in his little chest, still expecting his mother or father to walk through the door at any moment. Sitting at Auntie’s feet because he didn’t know how to be alone but for the first time Lup didn’t want him near. Finally getting himself absorbed in what she was doing, how she turned separate ingredients into something else, something new. If he followed her hands, became fascinated by the hidden, subtle magic of it all, then he didn’t have to think about why his sister cried all the time, why she seemed to have given up on mama and papa ever coming back, why they lived here now instead of their old house.

Even years later, when he and Lup found each other again, when they learned how to function with the raw, broken edges of their family, Taako still cooked. He bought books, telling anyone who gave him strange looks that it was for his Auntie, when really he would stay up all night making notes in the margins for possible amendments and sketching out presentation ideas. It was like his magic in a lot of ways. Taking separate things and making something new, something that hadn’t existed before and now did because of his efforts.

That was all Taako wanted. Making cakes out of flour and eggs and sugar. Making illusions out of simple electrical charges in the air, the patterns and eddies he could feel with his fingertips.

Making a future for his sister out of the mess he’d been up until now.

Taako gave a soft sigh and tied back his hair into a messy bun, a bastardised version of the neat queue it was normally in. He tugged on his apron, so faded it was hard to see it had ever been blue and white striped. Already his blue mood was fading, shaking off his hands like irritating droplets of water as he gathered bowls and ingredients from the pantry.

Lup had taken the last of the cookies but he found himself gathering sugar, the scalloped tins from the very back of the cupboard and some of the wildflower honey from Merle’s bees. Madelines it was then. Sometimes his hands made decisions before his brain did.

His ears twitched when the early afternoon sun fell on them, as if feeling the warm weight of it. The window, slightly ajar, let in nothing but a fresh breeze and birdsong. He settled into familiar actions and rhythms, certain in his actions, doing everything by eye with a sense of pride. And slowly, surely, like the honey running from the spoon, Taako felt himself again.

He whistled as he worked, summoning lemons right into his hand, tossing it from one palm to the other playfully. It wasn’t until the bowl was filled with perfect butter yellow curls of zest that Taako realised he was humming the song from the dance. The song that had carried him and Kravitz in a mad dance around the entirety of Countess Raven’s manor in a fit of burned frustration, wine and mania.

The thought brought a rush of heat to Taako’s freckled cheeks and the now waxy white lemon slipped through his fingers and bounced to the tiled floor. He retrieved it as quick as he could; with their funds the way they were, he couldn’t afford to be wasting ingredients. He’d lost the song but it still played in his head, as muffled as it had been that night, a counterpoint to the winter wind and the night owls that gathered in the woods.

“Come on,” he muttered to himself in irritation, continuing the stirring with magic alone just to have something to focus on. Something that wasn’t Kravitz or the way he’d smelled of polished oak or how cool his hands had been in the few times they’d ghosted over his own as they’d danced.

That wasn’t going to get him anywhere. It had been a nice wild moment, a release of the anxiety and frustration of a boring party, but he couldn’t see it existing outside of that night, like a flower that could only grow in a certain place with just the right soil. He wasn’t expecting to see Kravitz again. Now that the cold light of day had reminded them both who they were and what they were and just what was appropriate for them to be doing.

Taako began to spoon mixture into the scalloped impressions, lined up neatly like the world’s most orderly beach. Soon each one had a thick golden puddle in the centre, speckled with bright yellow. He took a moment to feel proud of himself and admire just how neat they all looked before banging them in the ancient, cast iron oven. He and Lup would scarf them down within two hours for sure. If any survived, he’d take them to Merle and Magnus in town.

He didn’t take off his apron or loosen his hair, not quite sure if he was finished yet. He simply magicked up a cup of tea and sat on one counter to rest his ankles, enjoying the kitchen filling with the smell of lemons and honey.

And suddenly it turned bitter in his mouth as a thought struck him, like his brain had just decided he was far too content and needed to be knocked back.

This could be the last time you get to do this.

Taako’s hands tightened around the mug, magic suddenly pulsing through his fingertips and leaving a hairline crack down the side. When he finally found a wealthy heiress willing to marry him- if, the sly voice corrected- it would hardly be proper for him to haunt the kitchen any more. He’d be expected to do whatever gentlemen did with their free time, probably hunt or drink brandy or scoff at poor people. A lifetime of pretending, of wearing a mask and hoping it eventually just fused to his face so he could forget there’d ever been anything underneath.

And that was if things went well. If they didn’t, in two months they wouldn’t have a home, let alone a kitchen. Destitution or a complete loss of the very few things he liked about himself. Those were his choices.

Auntie had sickened and gone so quickly there had been no time to formalise anything, to fill in the gaps that hadn’t been filled. Neither he nor Lup were officially recorded anywhere as her heirs, given that they weren’t her children, that she’d taken them in out of the goodness of her heart after not speaking to her twin since they were the age of the two children she’d suddenly acquired.

Taako tried to remember how he’d felt this time last year. Young, free, invincible. Able to outrun or outsmart anything that would dare try and trip him up. Unaware that life was just around the corner and it would always be faster, smarter and crueller than him.

If you weren’t the way you are, it wouldn’t have happened. Of course Auntie didn’t put anything in writing, she didn’t want a fuck up like you as her heir. If you were better, if you were even halfway decent, Lup would be safe.

Taako slammed the mug down on the counter, completing the destruction his magic had already done, though he didn’t stop and look back to see. Almost frantically he threw himself at the cupboards, pulling out whatever ingredients weren’t already assembled, anything he could get his hands on. He found more bowls, more spoons, his magic reaching out and grabbing whatever his hands couldn’t. And then he was moving, following a set of instructions that came from nowhere, latching onto them desperately so he wasn’t at the mercy of the rest of his mind. He didn’t care what he was making, as long as he could add something to the world in a manic attempt to prove his own worth in some small way.

And then there was a knock at the door.

Taako cursed under his breath, trying to steady his hands and dissipate his magic and his anxiety just as he’d done before, though this time it was like oil, just clinging tighter for all his efforts. As he went down the hall he did quick mental maths, trying to juggle in his head while moving his feet. If it was the milkman,they should have just enough spare silver rattling around to pay him, if it was the butcher he would take an IOU if Taako batted his eyelashes enough…

If it was a bailiff…

Taako shook that thought out of his mind and opened the door before he could lose his nerve

“Oh hello! I was hoping you’d be in,” Kravitz stood on the doorway, framed in winter sunlight, as effortlessly neat as he had been that night.

“I...yes, I’m in,” Taako said, apparently thinking that the only thing to do when stood in a doorway with the most idiotic gaping expression was to say something equally stupid.

There was a pause while Kravitz shifted his weight and cleared his throat, though he took the fact that Taako’s brain had apparently fallen out of the back of his head with good grace.

“I...I’m sorry if it’s a bad time or I’m interrupting,” he said with an adorably coy smile, “I was just going insane stuck inside of the mistress' mansion all by myself and had to get some air and, well...I don’t know anyone else around here?”

Taako relaxed a little. Maybe the honesty and openness from the party had survived, if only for a while, like a good kind of hangover.

“Well, you know me,” he flashed a smile, “And that’s really all the interesting people who live around here anyway.”

Kravitz laughed, a pleasant, deep, laugh with just a little rumble around the edges, “May I come in?”

Taako stepped to one side and gestured down the hall, though now thinking of the many jobs that needed doing since they’d had to let the staff go, the dust gathering in the corners and the grime on some of the windows where neither he nor Lup had got around to cleaning them.

But Kravitz’s eyes passed over all of that as if it wasn’t there, hanging up his coat on the stand. He was wearing a similar colour scheme to what he’d worn at the party, all black, but this time a loose everyday shirt and waistcoat, dark trousers with a high waist. Taako wondered if the Countess made black mandatory or whether her ward was consciously trying to fit in. Or maybe he just liked black too.

“Are you working on something?” Kravitz asked delicately, apparently paying as much attention to Taako’s dress as he was to Kravitz’s.

Taako looked down at himself, only just managing to bite back a curse. He’d left his apron on without thinking, still dusted with flour and a few golden honey stains.

“Oh, um…” his mind raced for an excuse as to why he’d be dressed this way, each wilder than the last. Rehearsing a play? This was the new men’s fashion for elvenkind? The flour was actually ground bone or some equally grisly spell component?

Kravitz seemed to sniff the air a little, the scent of lemon and sugar and lavender escaping from the kitchen, “Are you baking?”

Taako swallowed, hoping he wasn’t blushing but the burning in his cheeks said otherwise, “Yeah, just...just a little…” He searched Kravitz’s expression for any disdain, confused when all he saw was a polite interest. Maybe even fascination.

“It smells divine! I’d never have thought you would be interested in something like baking but you’re clearly something of a genius.”

Now Taako was blushing for an entirely different reason, “Well...it’s kind of you to say so. I’m interested in all kinds of cooking really, not just baking. I always have, since I was small.”

Kravitz just looked outright impressed and not even in a feigned way. Taako actually didn’t think his face could hold an insincere expression.

“That’s amazing. If I were left to my own devices with no servants or cooks or anything, I’d starve before the day was through.”

Taako’s lips quirked upwards, “Well, if that ever happens, just come knock on my door. I’ll keep you going.”

Kravitz’s eyes brightened, “That’s a comforting thought.”

Taako gave a slight chuckle, tucking loose hair back behind his ears, “Why don’t you come through? I can make coffee and the madelines should be ready soon.”

And that was how Taako ended up with the heir of one of the richest and most mysterious families for miles around leaning against his kitchen counter, drinking coffee and pouting adorably when he was informed that the madelines needed to cool before they could be eaten.

“Believe me, it’s worth it,” Taako grinned, after discreetly vanishing the shards of broken mug from his outburst, “When the sugar cools and hardens around the edge and you get that snap when you bite into it...that’s magic right there.”

Kravitz seemed to accept that, eyes wandering, “And what were you making over there?” He indicated the half finished mess of Taako’s frantic baking frenzy just before the bell had rung.

Looking at it now, Taako had to suck a breath in through his teeth and admit, “I...have no idea. I was kind of...improvising?”

“Oh,” he nodded, looking like he might have sensed the hesitation under the elf’s words and was deciding to ignore it, “So...if I was going to learn to bake, just in case I’m shipwrecked on a deserted island or something of that nature and I can’t get in contact with you...what would I start with?”

Taako smirked, “Does this deserted island have a fully functioning kitchen?”

“Let’s say it does.”

Taako puzzled it over for a moment, wandering over to the shelf where all his recipe books were haphazardly piled, no attempt made to keep them neat with how frequently he pulled them down and juggled them around. Most were dog eared, either from use, being second hand or a combination of both. Some, Auntie used to say, were from generations back, hand written in crumbling scrawls.

“Do you like sweet or savoury things?” he hummed, fingers walking over some of the spines.

“Sweet,” came the almost shy reply. Taako hid a smile, it was a little unusual that someone who dressed entirely in black and lived in a mansion decorated with black feathers and even some skulls would have a sweet tooth.

“Well then, let’s try cookies. We can throw some nuts in, islands have nut trees, right? Do nuts grow on trees?”

“Some do,” Kravitz sounded like he was reciting from a textbook, like he was a schoolboy facing a tutor and eager for a gold star, “Tree nuts like hazelnuts and pistachios and pecans. All others aren’t actually nuts, they’re legumes or seeds.”

Taako lifted an eyebrow. Someone clearly didn’t go outside enough as a child. He hopped up onto his knees on the counter so he could reach far enough back and snag the ingredients.

“Right, well, tree nuts it is. And plenty of brown sugar, the good sticky stuff that goes like molasses when you bake it…”

“You’re so knowledgeable about this,” Kravitz’s voice suddenly sounded so much closer than it had before. When Taako turned, he saw that he’d moved right up beside him and was offering out a hand to help him down.

Stunned, Taako found himself blurting, “I could float down. If I wanted to.”

He immediately felt a pang of regret as a look of hurt flashed across Kravitz’s face for just a moment before smoothing out into his usual polite smile. The hand snapped back to his side, “Of course. I should have known better, I’m a magic user myself.”

Taako’s guilt crystallised into sharp edges in his chest as he recognised an obvious attempt to change the subject. But still he nodded, playing along, as if the jar in their conversation had never happened, “I can sense it. What school of magic do you study?”

Kravitz stepped back to let Taako hop down, “Ah, I haven’t studied a lot, if I’m honest. I’ve never had a magical tutor of any kind, just my...just my mistress.”

That did give Taako pause, though he covered it with busying himself at the mixing bowl. Innate magic was a rare thing, not taken from any book or school but from the user’s own blood. It had a reputation for being incredibly powerful but, as a side effect, very unstable. Unstable wasn’t exactly the word Taako would use to describe his new neighbour but he had to wonder what had come first and what had followed, out of his wardship to the countess and this newly mentioned magic.

“Lucky,” he finally said, playing it off lightly as always, “All my lessons were painfully boring.”

Kravitz gave a soft, easy laugh, though he’d clearly been watching very carefully for Taako’s reaction.

Usually Lup was the only person ever allowed in the kitchen while Taako worked and even then she risked a slap with a wooden spoon if she got in the way. But seeing as this was a lesson of sorts, Taako swallowed his usual protective bossiness and gave Kravitz odd tasks to do, carefully talking him through the steps for each one.

And each and every time, he regretted it.

“I think you were a little hasty when you said you’d starve in a day,” Taako eventually snorted in exasperation, “I don’t think you’d make it until the early afternoon.”

Kravitz, now wearing a grey suit rather than the black one he’d entered with after the sack of flour he’d dropped had ignored his aesthetic, gave him a wounded look, “I could eat stale biscuits from the pantry…”

“The second you’d touch them, dear, they’d probably spontaneously combust.”

Kravitz’s hurt pantomime cracked and he gave a bark of laughter, “Fine, I’m hopeless. But I tried and, therefore, I should still get some of the spoils.”

Taako smiled at the neat tray of seven perfectly round balls and four misshapen blobs of cookie dough. Even with operating around a one man disaster zone, they hadn’t done a bad job. Sure there was flour piling up in drifts on the floor and it had taken them two sets of mixture after Kravitz had poured buttermilk into one rather than actual milk but he had a good feeling about them.

“Sure, I’ll take pity on you.”

In the fifteen minutes they took to bake, they magically cleaned the kitchen and sat talking, drinking the last of the now lukewarm coffee and eating madeleines. Despite some careful questioning, Taako learned very little about Kravitz in that time. Just that he’d been working for the family business in the city and had a passion for music almost as precious to him as Taako’s love of cooking. Still, the conversation was as light and comforting as any he’d had with his sister or friends, in a way Taako just hadn’t thought was possible.

Almost as if the gods had known he’d needed a friend right now and had dropped one on his doorstep.

It was evening by the time Taako had Kravitz back on the doorstep with a basket full of still warm, still delicious smelling nut cookies and madeleines. He was still apologising about having to leave, saying his mistress would be expecting him back before eight.

Taako shook his head, “I told you, it’s fine. I’ll come see you next time, you can show me some of your pieces.”

Kravitz’s cheeks seemed to colour a bit, “Really? You’d be interested in that?”

“I made you cookies,” Taako leaned in the doorway and smiled crookedly, “I’m going to need something in exchange.”

They both laughed companionably at that, though there was something more serious in Kravitz’s expression afterwards.

“I had a really good time today, Taako. I’m glad I came over.”

Taako shifted, not liking the way that comment made butterflies wake up in his stomach, as nice as the words were, “Sure thing. It’s nice to have friends, right?”

Something changed in his expression then, something Taako couldn’t place in the second it was there before disappearing. A hesitation of some kind.

“Yes. It is nice to...to have friends.”

After exchanging goodnights, Taako watched Kravitz walk off into the gathering dusk, quickly becoming invisible as the sun disappeared behind the hills. He found himself nursing a small smile.

Even if it had been the last time he ever got to be himself, it had been a pretty good last time.

[motherfuckingmagicbrian]

AU where angus falls victim to the thrall of one of the relics? After the THB agree to let hi go on relic hunting mission with them?

Where I think this works best is Crystal Kingdom so hear me out

- He insists on tagging along because he is so curious on the inner workings of Lucas’ floating lab- He went with Killian as a Regulator so that he would not be at risk of the thrall (haha) 

- He still provided help spelling Aarakocra just from inside the lab

- The real problem is that he got to the stone before Magnus did

- And all he can think of is that the lab was too heavy, so he should make it lighter

- And starting from where he is standing everything starts to turn to paper, the lab suddenly jolting up

- Pages from a book of everything Angus had ever written down

- And they don’t know what to do because he is just a kid

- Killian has her crossbow but her finger isn’t on the trigger, Lucas is trying to talk sense that they have to stop him, and Taako is three seconds away from blasting Lucas off the side of the lab and everything is wrong