#I was luckily never forced to go to a christian school

[gxlden-angels]

I'm forced to go to a Catholic school, and my theology was trying to teach us about how some disciple was asked by Jesus to follow him out of nowhere and he did? She then made us write what we would do?

And I was supposed to give the classic Christian girl answer of "of course I would follow Jesus :3 <3" But I kid you not I wrote "Well, let's see...a random dude asking a teenage girl to follow him? seems sketchy doesn't it..."

No one knows i'm sacrilegious and a dystheist yet

Reminds me of when my youth group was asked how they'd react to a popular celebrity coming in the door then we were asked how we'd react if Jesus walked in and got shamed if our Jesus reaction seemed any less enthusiastic than our reaction to our favorite celebrity

[clonerightsagenda]

In honor of my nth W359 relisten, here is the breakdown of how I accidentally independently headcanoned most of the characters as Catholic:

Eiffel: He was born in Boston, where Catholics are the largest religious population. I've been told the Lord's Prayer he mumbles is the Protestant version, but that prayer is used a lot in Alcoholics Anonymous, which is probably where he's remembering it from. Perhaps his issues with authority stem in part from having to go to Catholic school.

Minkowski: Her father's surname is Jewish, while her mother is French, where the dominant religion is Catholicism. I envision her as growing up in a mixed household (which I believe is also the case for her VA) but she leans harder into celebrating Christian holidays on the station as part of her attempt to assimilate into white bread apple pie Americanism. After the events of the show I like to think she reconnects more with her Jewish heritage, especially as she could relate to the theme of so many holidays being 'they tried to kill us, they failed, let's eat'.

Hera: Hera quotes St. Augustine, quotes the Bible to Maxwell in Memoria, and says "amen" during the funeral despite never being exposed to religious services. Conclusion? She had Catholicism installed in her to nerf her. Why? Because Pryce is also Catholic. More on that later.

Lovelace: I hc Lovelace as having a Puerto Rican mom. Puerto Rico is heavily Catholic. (Her dad is probably Protestant, but when it came to parents from different denominations choosing which to raise their kid(s) in, my mom won for us, so I shall assume her mom won as well. It's possible she also went to a private Catholic school. She may not have considered herself very religious at the start of her mission, but I think about her leaning on hopes of an afterlife when her crewmates start dying as a scrap of comfort.... only to be forced to contemplate the state of her soul later.

Cutter: It was at this point that I realized I was hcing a whole bunch of the characters as Catholic and decided to lean into it. Luckily for me, he's from Carmel-by-the-sea, which is in fact fairly Catholic due to the presence of a historic Catholic mission. (Did I know this because of a probably Buffy-inspired YA paranormal series I read in high school? Maybe.)

Pryce: Again, was leaning into it at this point, but also it makes sense. She was raised in an orphanage, and a lot of those institutions were run by religious organizations. How many of her problems can be traced back to being raised by nuns. She quotes the Bible to position herself as divine. Why Catholicism specifically? The cannibalism. It's all coming together.

Non-Catholics (Hilbert + the Midwestern Corporate Hit Squad):

Hilbert: Grew up in the USSR. Likely not religious.

Maxwell: Her father was a pastor in Montana, where the biggest Christian denomination is Evangelical. Likely ex-Evangelical. Sorry that happened to you Alana.

Jacobi: His name is Jewish, which is supported by his disdain for office holiday parties and ordering Chinese food on Christmas. Catholics are the dominant religious group in Milwaukee though so he gets to the station and goes ah not this shit again.

Kepler: I do not care about him and thus have not spent much time thinking about him, but probably not religious. When he is trying to turn everyone against Lovelace, he doesn't appeal to religious language while dehumanizing her. There are quite a lot of Catholics in Chicago though so he is also used to them.

What's funny about this is I'm not even Catholic. I did not start out doing this on purpose. Somehow Wolf 359 is a more Catholic podcast than Greater Boston, set in Boston, where the character who talks about religion the most is a Protestant.

[windsongs2]

I'm a Christian, my child is a transgender woman (born male became female.)

I accept her fully I believe the God loves all cuz that's what the Bible says if you read the Bible it says Jesus loves all not just some of the people but all.

In today's world where groups hating another group and this person hate this person. it's really sad because that's not the way God wants.

read the Bible there's nothing in there (and I've read the Bible many many times) that says to hate transgenders, hate gays hate lesbians, hate people with purple hair and so on. but it does take he says love everyone.

My daughter's choices are between her and God and Jesus.

I raised my daughter to know God I took her to church, we did the VBS, Sunday school and listen to Christian music and when she became an adult she knew what was going on.

It doesn't not make me a bad parent because my daughter chose to be a transgender. It does not make me a bad person

And it does not make her a bad person for being a transgender person she's a good person, she cares she loves, she knows right from wrong and she makes me proud.

I will love her to her dying day or to my dying day.

there's nothing that will keep me from loving her.

she may never want to talk to me That's okay I still love her.

and I do pray for her NOT that she'll turn back to the person I knew growing up, that is a boy. I PRAY that she is happy, healthy and to know I love her. I also pray that she will find Jesus . Cause Jesus loves all... The body you have it is just a wrapping paper.. what's important is what inside.. that's what Jesus is concerned about .

I don't wish that if that's going to make her unhappy, if that's going to stress her out and if that's going to make her have problems. I don't wish that.

I want her to be who she is today a beautiful loving person

She wants me to go to therapy with her so she can discuss all the things I did wrong I did things wrong.

I was single parent when I've been married to an idiot ex-husband I was still single.

he didn't want to do anything with her I had to force him to do stuff with her.

All he wanted to do was hurt her.

All he wanted to do is make her feel bad and I tried so hard not to let that happen.

But as best as I could do there were times where I wasn't there to help her.

It wasn't my fault It wasn't her fault, The blame totally lays on the ex-husband.

I didn't have much money to give her everything that a child should have. I ran up credit card debt so she could have good Christmases, so she could have food and clothing.

I ran it up that so much I couldn't pay it off which left me with bad credit for years. luckily for me I had a father who came along and paid it off for me. God bless him cuz for that him I would be in jail

I wanted so much to get away from this guy (my ex) when my daughter was small but I didn't make much money, My ex husband made more money than me.

And I knew there was a very good chance that if I divorced my ex back then that he would get the child not me.

that he could provide my child with a stable future and a house

I couldn't at that time and sometimes it cried myself to sleep because I couldn't help My daughter. I wanted to get us both out of the situation we were in, but I stayed because I knew that if that monster abuser idiot ever got a chance to keep her, that she would have been so much worse off than she is now.

she would have been abused more there wouldn't be a life for her really and I couldn't stand that thought. so I stayed with the abuser so I let him hit, me I let him yell at me, I let him do whatever he wanted but I protected my daughter from that.

there was only a couple times I couldn't be there and I regret those times even now. it breaks my heart but I also knew I did the right thing cuz I did not let her go through that alone and I was knew that she was better off then without me.

anyway she wants me to see a therapist with her so she can tell me everything I did wrong.

Why don't I?

because I Went to a therapist when I was four or five or six years old. My mom took me to one, I looked at the guy and I hated him before even stepped through those doors and had a talk with him or whatever

I hated him I didn't know why that I really hated that guy she took me there because she thought I was lying too much. I was a kid, kids lie especially when they think they're going to get in trouble duh

So after a couple months of no progress My mom decided not to take me.

I remember one time coming out of his office he was carrying me and I so much hated that I mean every nerve every cell in my body wanted to kill that guy and I didn't know why.

I was crying so much and I think he told my mom the reason i was crying was cuz I stubbed my toe or something stupid like that

Well after a couple more months I heard my mom and dad talking about that this guy.. this therapist had lost his license probably put in jail .

Why? Cuz he was caught sexually abusing the boys in his care.

yeah I hated the guy before I met him. I have such a extreme good intuition about people that when I was young I knew that person was evil.

My family never talked about it never ask me if I remember being abused, never asked me any questions.

they just didn't talk about it and that's what they do.. they don't talk about what happened. It just goes under the rig and they act like nothing's happen.

Am I damaged because of that maybe.

The only damage I really know of is I will not go to therapist. I don't care if it's online/offline or anywhere I don't believe in them, I don't like them.

therefore this gal is never going to one. I don't care what you say I am like ___ years old and I've been doing good all my life I don't need a fucking therapist now at my stage of life.

[glitchbirds]

started watching the his dark materials tv adaptation earlier this week- something that i had meant to do back in 2019 when it began and never quite got around to. started s3 yesterday so i should get the remaining 7 episodes under my belt within the next few days genuinely it is fascinating to watch an adaptation of a series that i read only once, when i was ten years old, but which left such a profound impression on me that i have consistently cycled back to it for years and years (esp when its such a complex, sprawling fantasy world-or several worlds, really- that its adapting)

as ive mentioned Several times over the years- maybe not on this particular account though-, i was gifted an omnibus copy of all three books in one by my older brother, either for christmas or my birthday i cant remember, sometime before the 2007 movie came out (meaning i had to have been 10 at the absolute oldest when i started reading them, though maybe 11 by the time i finished?). i also very clearly remember The Controversy surrounding them among christians, mainly because of a few comments by classmates but more importantly because my (fourth grade, iirc?) teacher pulled me out of class one day to tell me the book i was reading was sinful and atheist and against god and etc (which made me cry very hard </3 even though she told me i could still read it. this was back when my dad still took me to (catholic) church on a semi-regular basis to appease my grandmother as well as sunday school (run by my older cousins) and at least a year or so before i started to develop a modicum of critical thought towards deep south church teachings. i was petrified of the idea of going to hell and scared to do anything whatsoever to jeopardize my chances) (this did not stop me from reading the book however, because i enjoyed it too much. but i also have a clear memory of reading the book every chance i got w/o paying much attention to what was happening around me and one day realizing that i was reading it while at church service and mentally freaking out that i was doing something sacrilegious and trying to force myself to stop reading. i think i spent about 10 minutes bored out of my mind before i, internally apologetic, went back to reading) luckily my parents seemed unaware or unphased by the fearmongering- i assume my mother never noticed, or this was before she started to become insane from fox news poisoning; my dad i think brought it up briefly because of a flyer he saw but wasnt overly worried about it- because i saw the movie in theaters (i liked it ok; have never seen it since, i want to now though) and also acquired the ds game (tbh i enjoyed it despite it being tie-in garbage and me being v bad at video games as a kid; i never managed to beat it though) and later the wii game (bad </3 never got far into it)

Anywayyyy. again i have never since reread any of the books or read any of the other novellas and the like philip pullman has written set in the same world, though im itching to do that now; and ofc while ive skimmed through wiki articles and the like to refresh my memory on things, my memory of most of the plot points in the books are heavily based on My Perspective As A Ten Year Old Child. i remember the first book the best, a decent amount of subtle knife, and can only recall a few specifics of amber spyglass, and its only now while revisiting the world by watching the tv show that im getting a proper, more well-rounded view of the symbolism and messaging and Authorial Intent(tm) behind the series, because of course a lot of this shit flew right over my stupid little child brain as a kid. once i got to the third book i started to understand, vaguely, why my teacher didnt want me reading this book and why there was a backlash against the movie, but a lot of things that are obvious to me now (and would have been obvious if i read the series just a few years later, really) just did not compute for a 10 y/o. which ofc does not mean that i think its a Bad thing i read them that young but all of ^ that turns watching this series into a mix of "oh i remember that" "oh i know whats coming up" "oh my god i forgot that this is from HDM, this has influenced so many creative projects over the years w/o me even realizing it" "oh they skipped over it but i know in the books there was a scene here that i loved and that has stuck with me forever" "i dont remember this from the books but it extrapolates perfectly from what i remember about these characters" "oh my god was the symbolism here really that obvious and i still didnt pick up on it" etc etc etc ANYWAYYYY. my actual review of the tv series so far: -season 1 in particular is sorely lacking in how it portrays daemons and it made me increasingly sad. daemons were without a doubt my favorite thing from these books and one of my favorite things in a work of fantasy Ever to the point where over the years i have Repeatedly decided to sit down and spend a ridiculous amount of time painstakingly plotting out what daemon i think (x) character from (x) piece of media i enjoy, would have. many of which are still committed to memory. i fucking love daemons as a concept and i wish this shit was public domain so any piece of fiction i write could utilize them forever. i get budget issues exist or w/e but whyyyy would you adapt a series where every character in a world would have a cgi animal with them at all times if you couldnt actually show those cgi animals in more than a handful of scenes per episode and only for (some) major characters and only if they had a speaking role in that scene and also occasionally just have them teleport instead of showing them walking from one room to the next and also crowd shots are fucking barren. its like watching a live action pkmn tv show where pokemon are onscreen for a combined 5-10 minutes out of 60 minute episodes. s2 is a bit better about it but it also spends significantly more time in other worlds where daemons arent visible so ig its easier to budget in more daemons in scenes that take place in lyras world. no idea about s3 yet though ofc the mulefa are coming so We'll See how they handle the cg there

-i do think the cg animal animation looks good though. like its not "i believe there is an actual snow leopard in the room" photorealism but not only is that something i do not particularly care about, i think daemons looking a little unreal is actually perfect. they are physical manifestation of human souls and are in-universe immediately distinguishable from identical animals of the same species... it works

-s2 in general is a significant improvement on s1 not just in the daemons but in the overall pacing and character exploration imo; which is surprising considering its the season cut short from covid lockdown; and also a bit sad since, again, most of what i remember is from the first book and thus many of my fondest memories of the books were things that were either skimmed over in the first season or cut out entirely </3 ALAS.

-iorek and iofurs fight didnt go as hard as it shouldve </3 they didnt even show iorek ripping iofur's jaw off... he was killed in the blurry bg behind lyra. how are you gonna let the 2007 pg-13 movie kick more ass at talking armored polar bears fighting to the death

-am i crazy or is the alethiometer just not used much in the tv series compared to the book... maybe the movie+games clouded my memory, or maybe its the fact that in the show there's rarely any elaboration as to what the symbols could mean or which symbols lyra is using for her questions/what she's interpreting. almost every scene of it being used blurs together and i wouldnt be shocked if some show-only fans think its a stupid plot device with no rhyme or reason behind the symbols, when imo i think you can at least roughly intuit many of the meanings, though obviously not to the extent that a reader could interpret full accurate sentences

-some really really strong casting for like 99% of the roles in this show, i love most of the changes theyve made from the books wrt to casting decisions, my only significant gripe is of course. why did you have to do lee scorseby like that. i loved lee a lot. i remembered him so fondly. why'd you have to give lin manuel miranda that one. just absolutely devastating to me personally (though the choice to have andrew scott as will's father was v funny to me because lin manuel miranda and moriarty from bbc sherlock hanging out together for a huge chunk of s2 has to have appealed massively to a very particular subset of tumblrina)

-again i read these books when i was 10 so the concept of "characters can be bad people but also really well written and enjoyable to spectate" hadnt really settled in my mind yet so i really have no idea if this fully applies to the book version of her but oh my godddd i love mrs coulter in this series. yes she kidnaps children and rips their souls apart from them yes she drugs her own daughter and holds her captive yes she murders people indiscriminately without remorse etc. and she rules <3

-similarly the changes theyve made to the golden monkey are Fascinating...

-i loved lyra and pan with my whole heart when i was her age and it is really :,) to now be fully an adult and see her again. waughh. i love how almost everyone she meets loves her too (i will not stand for ppl watering it down to found family fanfiction tropes. but She Is So Loved.)

-i think its cool that boreal went from being a fairly minor character in the books to one of the main antagonists for a hot minute. he was fun :)

-i dont remember having strong feelings about mary malone as a kid but i really like her here. i havent gotten to this point in the show yet but im aware they tweaked her backstory to make her a lesbian as well, which is just delightful to me

-will's relationship w/ his mother and particularly the way the book describes her mental illness from will's perspective was so, So important to me as a kid and the thing i remembered best from subtle knife, and i wish the show had dwelled on it a liiiittle more? in particular, the bit where will thinks about when he first realized something was up and his mother wasnt just playing a "game" with him and was actually terrified of a nonexistent threat, when he was seven and they were shopping for groceries, and how he realized then and there that he needed to take care of her and protect her- that stuck w/ me very strongly as a kid and i wish the show had found a way for will to talk about it with lyra, there were a couple points where i thought he was going to bring it up. maybe this season??

fun fact i started writing this post at like 10 last night. i gotta put a stop this rn

[hadotechnologyinstitute]

[Update] The Book with the Highest Vibration

About a year ago, there was an article titled "The Book with the Highest Vibration". In this article, I introduce two books, "Shinshin no Shinyu" and "Divine Healing". However, once again, I noticed something by arranging these two books at hand. When the "Sleeping Prophet" Edgar Cayce once cited the "Bhagavad Gita" as the text that most accurately expressed the truth of the universe (even though Cayce himself was a Christian). He pointed out if the translator is different, the energy transmitted from the book will be different. Seikichi Nakazato, the translator of "Shinshin no Shinyu",translated Murdo Macdonald-Bayne's books "Beyond The Himalayas", "The Yoga of the Christ" and "Higher Power You Can Use". On the other hand, the translator of "Divine Healing" seems to have a deep knowledge of the Christian "Bible", but he cannot truly understand the spiritual background that led to the publication of this book by Murdo Macdonald-Bayne. Isn't it? Ultimately, as part of the work of the individual Jesus Christ, who is a historical figure, this work is seen in the "Fifth Gospel" by Jesus Christ himself in the band of "Divine Healing". It appears to be advertised as being there. Mr. Seikichi Nakazato writes as follows in the “Translator’s Foreword” of “Shinshin no Shinyu” ……… People are saved not by theology, but by the truth itself, by living the truth itself. Farewell, Jesus said, "Truth will set you free," never saying, "Theology will set you free." As is the case with many religions, modern Christianity is also shut up in the theology created by the human "I"'s little wisdom (and is therefore at odds with other sects). For this reason, most of them have lost the power to actually heal people's minds and bodies through the words/Logos (truth) spoken by Jesus Christ in the days of the Twelve Apostles. Therefore, Jesus chose the author (deceased) who lived in Johannesburg, South America after World War II and appeared before him. And while pointing out the errors of the present Christian church, this book reveals the true meaning of the truth/logos spoken 2,000 years ago. ………… Also, in the text of "Shinshin no Shinyu"… Because of your stubborn faith, too much God/Christ power is trapped in your hearts, unable to self-realize. …is what it reads. (Chapter 12-13) On the other hand, in "Divine Healing"… "There is so much Christ's power locked up in your hearts." You cannot appear because of your rigid beliefs. … is translated. In the original… There is so much of the Christ Force imprisoned within your minds, unable to express Itself because of your rigid beliefs. … and the last "rigid beliefs" seems to be translated as "stubborn faith" in "Shinshin no Shinyu" / "rigid beliefs" in "Divine Healing".

Speaking from my personal experience, I have read thousands of books, including books on the spiritual world, from when I was in high school until my second or third year in college. Among them, the book that I felt was the most energetic and wonderful was Murdo Macdonald-Bayne's "Shinshin no Shinyu/Divine Healing of Mind & Body" and "Beyond The Himalayas". Luckily, I had the opportunity to borrow and read "Beyond The Himalayas" in the Philosophy and Religion section of the library in the ward closest to my family home. I picked up "Shinshin no Shinyu" at the spiritual world corner of Kinokuniya Bookstore in Shinjuku. …As soon as I saw that sentence, I felt a wonderful energy through my eyes. Therefore, 5,000 yen was expensive for me as a student at the time, but I decided to buy it on the spot. For a while, I always had it next to my pillow on my bed, and there was a time when I would go to bed after reading "Shinshin no Shinyu" and receiving energy. However, after my house caught fire, I never interacted with the real thing. However, only the "photograph of Jesus Christ" at the beginning of the book had been scanned and saved as data before. Then, when I searched the Internet for "Shinshin no Shinyu" for this blog article, "The Book with the Highest Vibration," I found "Divine Healing" translated by someone other than Seikichi Nakazato in 2014 and 2015. When I learned that the English-Japanese version was newly published, I decided to purchase only this one, as the price was cheaper at 3,000 yen. It's not just a translation book, it's an "English-Japanese bilingual"… because the original text is on it, the energy level of the book should be the same! With that in mind, in the previous article titled "The Book with the Highest Vibration," I wrote both "Shinshin no Shinyu" and "Divine Healing." And I used to put it by my bedside as an energy product like before. Then, about a week ago, I impulsively wanted to have "Shinshin no Shinyu" at hand at the same time as several other books, so I bought it. And when I read this book for the first time in about ten years, I was moved by the energy (waves) that came from each character. When I put it next to the pillow on my bed, I felt energy in my head and felt a warm feeling in my chest/heart. And once again I noticed the "difference" between these two books. "Book" is a tapestry woven from the thread of "words". And the words reflect the magnificent consciousness of the person. "What 'words' has the author or translator of the book come into contact with?" It can also be said that a "book" is the crystallization of the product produced from the inner world that a person has constructed. For those who want to transcend the sect of "Christianity" and experience the divine self speaking to them, I recommend Murdo Macdonald-Bayne's "Shinshin no Shinyuu/Divine Healing of Mind & Body" translated by Seikichi Nakazato. (The subtitle of the book is “The Lord Speaks Again.”) *When I was a high school student, I once read a Bible distributed for free on the street. I thought what exactly is the "most read book in the world"?. My impression at that time was that "the energy is quite thin". I understand that Jesus' words are important, but the parts that are embellished and dramatized are large, and I intuitively felt that the energy that Jesus Christ was originally trying to convey was diluted considerably. These two books taught me that the energy gets diluted when you put it through the filter/lens of "Christianity". On the other hand, I've been to church masses at Christian churches several times. At that time, on the other hand, I experienced the significance and energy of what the Christian church was trying to convey as a dream and a site/field. This is not limited to Christianity, but can also be said of Buddhism and Shintoism, but it makes me feel the polar opposites of the raison d'etre of religion and its limits.

[grelitia-fam]

Christle asked me to name all the things my family have done.. so here it goes..

(TW: Abuse, SA, Toxic religion, forced masculinity)

My father

My father was the heaviest hitter (physically). He was ex-military.. so we had military punishments. Unless of course, I did something in public. Then it was cigar burns.

My mother

Neglectful. Never cooked or did anything. 9 times outta 10, she would forget to pick me up from school. She DID like keeping food in places I couldn’t reach.. and forcing me to run 4 miles at the age of 6.

My grandmother

HEAVILY religious. The one gave me a general distrust of Christian’s (No hate, just trauma). She constantly tried to force me to go to church, to get baptized, to read and follow the Bible. She whipped me when she found my altar. Luckily my aunt was there..

My uncle

My aunts ex-husband. Constantly sexualized me to his friends, causeing my hatred of older men. He threatened to kill me if I didn’t wear these super reveling outfits when I was a child…

My cousins

They were terrible. I had 4. One SA’d me untill I escaped, one keep trying to force me to do sports and “boy things”, one kept saying I was too emotional and should stop being over dramatic, and the other would constantly fat-shame me and make fun of my physical appearance.

As you can see, this is why I’m so scared… Christie’s gonna go bonkers..

[goldnn-harry]

i’ve been wanting to write this for a while, so lets see how it turns out:)

(ps, harry is 18 and y/n is 17)

i haven't forgotten about your guys' requests! i'm trying to get to them i promise, but i have a lot right now and i also have tons of school! however i really love all of them, i love what you guys come up with

y/n looked over to her window when she started hearing tapping noises coming from it. expecting to see a bird, she frowned when she didn't see anything. hesitantly, she walked to her window, opened it and looked down.

“oh my god, harry?!” she whisper-yelled.

harry grinned at her, tiny rocks in his hands, and motioned for her to come out.

“no no, no way. you need to go home harry, my mom will kill you.”

“she's sleeping, isn't she? besides, that's not very christian of her,” he grinned.

y/n’s mom was a very christian woman. this meant she absolutely hated the idea of boyfriends. especially harry. with his tattoos, and slightly long hair, y/n’s  mother couldn’t hate him more.

y/n had been very clear with the fact that she didn't care what her mother thought and that she would continue to date harry as she pleased, because it was her decision and not her mother’s. that didn't mean that she hated harry any less though. and if she saw harry, right there, outside her daughter’s window at 11pm at night she would absolutely lose it.

“yes harry, she is sleeping but she could wake up you know.”

“come on love, just put pillows under your blanket and jump down. she won't wake up,” harry said. he knew she wanted to come, he wouldn't force her if she didn't.

y/n chewed on her lip. she wanted nothing more than to jump down and escape with harry for the night, but the consequences if her mother found out would be terrible. 

“we’ll be back by 2, right?”

“we can even make it 1 if you’d like.” harry smiled.

she smiled nervously at him. “fine, give me a second.”

her heart was beating ridiculously quickly, but she knew this was worth it. yes her mother would be livid if she found out, but y/n knew she couldn't let what's left of her teenage years go to waste because of what her mother would think. many teens sneak out, and she wanted to be a part of them.

she disappeared out of harry’s eyesight as she changed into some slightly more presentable clothing. she grabbed her phone and peered down the window again.

“you'll catch me?”

“of course i will.”

y/n nodded, not giving it much thought before she jumped out. she squeezed her eyes shut and braced for a hard impact, but all she felt was harry’s soft chest.

“told you i’d catch you.” he whispered and kissed her. 

y/n blushed, still getting flustered by something as small as a kiss even after 2 years with harry.

he set her down and took her hand. 

“where are we going?” she asked. 

harry motioned to the small bag on his shoulder, “i thought we could go stargazing.”

“that sounds perfect.”

the couple walked in silence for a few minutes until they reached the field they'd grown accustomed to. they walked over to the tree they always sat by and set their things down. 

harry pulled out a thin sheet from his backpack and laid it across the soft grass.

“look,” y/n said softly, “it’s still there.” she lightly touched the tree, right where their initials were carved. they'd done it on their one year anniversary. “i thought it'd would've disappeared by now.”

“ ‘course it didn't, it was there last week.” harry smiled and kissed her cheek. “come on, lets lay.”

he took her hand and laid down, pulling on her hand slightly to get her to do the same. she smiled and did what he wanted.

harry pulled her close, kissing her temple as he did so.

“look, the big dipper.” she pointed at the sky, looking over at harry to make sure he was seeing it.

“orion,” he said as he pointed to another one.

“they’re all so beautiful,” she said after they'd named all the constellations they could find.

“yes they are.” 

y/n looked over at harry, expecting him to be looking at the sky, but instead he was looking at her. 

harry leaned over and pressed a soft kiss to the corner of her mouth. “you’re so beautiful y/n.” he whispered. he didn't let her respond, pressing another kiss to her mouth this time.

“i love you,” he said between kisses.

“i love you too.” she mumbled.

harry elevated himself slightly by propping his head up his arm, giving him a better angle to kiss her.

soft kisses soon turned into a makeout session, harry on top of y/n, his hands cradling her face.

after a couple minutes, he pulled away. “mm- what's wrong?” she asked.

he layed back down by her and turned to his side, brushing the hair out of her flushed face.

“i’m not having sex with you in a field, my love.”

y/n’s eyes widened. truth is, her and harry had had sex before. it was the morning after their one year anniversary. y/n had spent the night over at harry’s house (she told her mom she was sleeping over at a friend’s) and it sort of just happened. despite both of them enjoying it, they had agreed to not do it again. they didn't want to risk getting pregnant, and besides, they wouldn't even have time to do it, since they barely hung out in a setting where sex could be possible. they usually had very few, short dates, because of y/n having to sneak around.

so when harry said that, it'd surprised her. 

“did you really think that'd lead to sex?”

“i don't know, it.. felt like it was going to.”

she swallowed, “do you want to have sex?” y/n remembered enjoying it very well, and she remembered how amazing it was, but she also remembered how scared she was for the next month, wondering if some how she had gotten pregnant. 

they were very careful and used protection, but things happened, and with her luck she’d probably end up getting pregnant. but luckily, she didn't.

harry sighed. “of course i do. i want to do everything with you. but, i know why we never did it again, and i’m okay with that.”

“oh. so you're not mad at me or anything right? for not having sex with you?”

“no darling, of course not.” he hesitated, choosing his next words carefully. “but do you really want to live like this all the time? missing out on things and having to sneak around, all because of your mother?” his words were soft, caring and tender. as if he spoke any harsher, glass would break.

y/n looked away, “no.. i turn 18 in a couple months. i’ll be able to do whatever i want then.”

“baby, do you really think that when you turn 18 your mom will let you do what you want?” 

“i- yes. i’ll be an adult.”

“yes, you will be. but you'll be an adult living under her roof.”

she swallowed. she hadn't thought of that. she just figured that when she  turned 18 her mother would have to let her do what she wanted. but harry was right. as long as she lived under her roof, her mother would have control over her.

“i don't know harry.” she said weakly.

“i hate that you have to go through this.”

“it’s not your fault.”

“it’s still not fair, y/n. your mom is a monster that doesn’t care about you.”

harry’s words were harsh, but they were right.

she turned on her side and looked at him. “i know h,” she said softly.

he sighed. “lets just enjoy the night.”

“i agree,” she murmured and cuddled closer to his side.

[shonithewilds]

Shelby x Toni Fic Rec Friday #13

MULTI-CHAPTER 


Lights in the Dark by SomethingGood (T) 1/5 It’s been a hard year for Shelby. She came out to her parents who promptly disowned her, she’s long distance with her girlfriend, Toni, and she’s not sure how she can continue paying for school. Christmas is her favorite time of year, but this time, she can’t find the holiday spirit. Luckily, Toni has a few ideas up her usually non-festive sleeve.

Out of Bounds by GetTheUhaul (NR) 1/26 Toni, late in the recruitment game, gets a full-ride to an incredibly conservative Christian College to play basketball. Knowing it's her ticket out of Minnesota, she jumps at it, no matter how much she's dreading the culture shock. She finds out there are a hell of a lot of people with views like hers, and a hell of a lot of people with views like Shelby Goodkind's, the first student she meets at move-in day. Forced into situations with one another over and over again, their relationship shifts slowly over time, but their outside factors never do, threatening any good thing that may happen between them.

People Throw Rocks at Things That Shine by buttercupkisses (G) 9/9 “You don’t have to go just yet,” the woman murmured, her voice hoarse from sleep. She stretched across to the bedside table next to her and picked up her phone to check the time. “It’s only five-thirty.” “Yeah well I have a child and told my friend I would be back by one am so that might be a problem.” Shelby snapped, pulling on her dress from the evening before. OR, Shelby Goodkind has a one nightstand and she doesn’t ever expect to see the woman again. She especially doesn’t expect her to end up being her daughter’s new teacher.

ONE SHOTS

A Single Thread of Gold Tied Me to You by unburnttkhaleesi (T) Shelby Goodkind loved the thought of being swept off her feet in some amazing romantic gesture. Maybe it was because she was raised off way too many Disney movies and read too many fairytales. She was a pre-teen when she got the idea that maybe she’d meet her ‘person’ at the park. To be fair, she now graduated from Disney movies to Hallmark movies and she had watched one too many to fuel this idea that if she just sat and waited, that her soulmate would show himself. Or, in which fate has a funny way of bringing Shelby and Toni together.

Maybe This Thing is a Masterpiece by dwoht (NR) Toni paints a painting of Shelby. Or, minor artist!Toni character study + meet cute.

You're as Chilly as This Polar Night (and I Hate You with the Passion of the Sun) by Leutik (M) Shelby is a botanist, Toni is an astronomer, they have to work together for sixty-five days in complete darkness.

[storiesforallfandoms]

first show ~ aaron tveit

word count: 1756

request?: yes!

“I'll take anything Aaron Tveit. (There are not enough fics out there lol)”

description: after years of practice and studying, she gets casted in her first big broadway show, and finds herself falling for her leading man

pairing: aaron tveit x female!reader

warnings: swearing

masterlist (one, two)

I gasped as the costume person pulled out the beautiful black dress I was meant to wear for our run through of Come What May. I couldn’t get over how beautiful my costumes were. I almost felt like I was undeserving of them. I was fresh out of college and already cast in my first big Broadway musical. If this was a dream, I didn’t want to ever wake up.

“You don’t have long to get dressed,” the costume person reminded me. “The dress rehearsal for Come What May is in 10. Although I’d love to see you staring at all your costumes in amazement.”

“I’ll do that after dress rehearsal,” I joked.

I took the black dress and quickly changed into it, longing to look at myself in the mirror but knowing I had no time. With my hair and makeup already finished, I rushed to the stage. Luckily, I wasn’t the only one running a bit late as my co-star was yet to arrive once I took my place.

“There’s our Satine!” the director proclaimed as I stood on stage. “Welcome to the stage, dear. How do you feel?”

“Nervous,” I admitted. “But I look damn good for a nervous girl.”

The director chuckled. “Our Christian should be here soon.”

“He’s here!”

I tried not to seem as starstruck as I felt at the sound of my co-star’s voice. Aaron joined me on stage, dressed in his Christian costume. I had to try my best not to fangirl over him. He was basically Broadway royalty, and I was acting with him in my first show! I had to remind myself how to breathe.

I smiled slightly at him. “Nice to meet you. I’m (Y/N).”

“Nice to meet you, too, (Y/N). I’m Aaron.”

I had to stop myself from responded with I know as I shook his hand.

“While I’d love for you two to get to know one another, I’d like to run Come What May first,” the director told us. “It’s one of the biggest songs in the musical, and the one with the most chemistry. So, we need to nail this song before we can nail the entire musical.”

Aaron and I nodded and took our places for the song. The band started playing the song and I felt my nerves growing. I tried to focus just on Aaron, but that made me even more nervous.

“Never knew I could feel like this Like I’ve never seen the sky before Want to vanish inside your kiss Every day I love you more and more”

No shock that his voice sounded perfect. I already knew this, I had seen the show on its opening night years before. But it was different to hear the voice up close, too have him singing directly to me. It made my heart flutter and I almost forgot my cues.

“Come what may Come what may I will love you until my dying day”

For a moment I feared my voice wouldn’t work, but when I opened my mouth the words came out effortlessly.

“Suddenly the world seems such a perfect place Suddenly it moves with such a perfect grace”

I tried not to break character as pride swelled within me at the look on Aaron’s face. I could only describe it as a look of astonishment, as if my voice shocked him, and that made me so proud.

My heart spiked as Aaron took my hands and we sang together

“Storm clouds my gather And stars may collide But I love you (I love you) Until the end of time”

The music swelled as we reached the end of the song, our voices mixing together perfectly as we held the last line. I looked into Aaron’s perfectly blue eyes, glad that the song had ended because he had taken my breath away.

I had forgotten all about the small audience of crew members and our director until he spoke. “That was great! But can we take it from that last chorus and can you guys end the song with the kiss?”

“O-Oh,” I stuttered, still trying to recover from the song. “Y-You want to do the kiss now?”

“It’s better to get the first one out of the way now to get past any initial awkwardness.”

“Are you okay with that?” Aaron asked me, concern on his face.

I nodded. “Yeah. He has a point, we will be kissing almost every night. We should get used to it now.”

The director motioned to the band and they began playing from the last chorus again.

“Come what may Come what may I will love you until my dying day”

I looked into Aaron’s eyes, the only thing keeping me calm in that moment. One of his hands reached up to gently cup my face, bringing me closer to him. The distance between us was small, but it felt like I was waiting for his lips to touch mine forever.

When they finally did, it felt as though something had exploded inside of me. My whole body felt warm and fuzzy, and my stomach felt like it was full of butterflies. I couldn’t stop myself from putting a hand behind his neck, wanting to keep his lips on mine for a long time.

We were forced to pull away when the director began to clap, completely taking us out of the moment.

“That’s what I’m talking about!” he exclaimed. “That was brilliant! See? Now there’ll be no awkwardness when we run that scene from now on.”

I wouldn’t say that, I thought, glancing over at Aaron. I wondered if he had felt what I did, or if it was just another stage kiss for him. If he felt the latter, it would definitely be very awkward for me.

“Okay, you two take five and then (Y/N), I want you ready for your entrance medley.”

The crew continued on about their work while the director turned his attention to his assistant and began talking about the technical stuff having to do with the show. Aaron and I awkwardly stood on stage together for a moment, unsure of what to do next.

“I guess I should go get ready for my entrance rehearsal,” I said, trying my best to look at Aaron. How the hell did two actors who weren’t already in relationships kiss on stage and not fall in love?

“I’ll walk you to your dressing room,” Aaron offered. “We can get to know one another.”

I smiled at this and the two of us exited the stage together.

“So,” Aaron started, “there’s a rumor on the streets that this is your first ever show.”

I nodded. “Yeah, it is. I’m actually not long out of college. I graduated maybe a month ago? Top of my classes because I was always an overachiever, and most of my teacher’s favorites. Actually, it was one of my teachers that got me this audition. She knows the director and when it was announced that Karen Olivo was leaving the show, she urged me to audition.”

“Looks like it worked out in your favor.”

“Yeah, somehow,” I said with a slight laugh. “I’m sure there were dozens of better, more experienced girls who auditioned. My teacher must’ve slipped the director a bribe or something to get me this role.”

“Or, and hear me out on this one, you were actually that good and got the role on your own.”

I shook my head. “No way. That’s nearly impossible.”

“Nearly being the keyword. Newbies gotta start somehow or else Broadway shows would never have a cast.”

“Yeah, but most newbies start as a part of the ensemble or the company, then make their way to very minor character, then less than minor character, and then, if they’re lucky, they become main characters. It’s not as easy as auditioning fresh out of school and getting the role right away.”

Aaron shrugged. “I don’t know, I think it’s that easy for some people. You have a fantastic voice, definitely a voice worth of a Satine and not just an ensemble girl.”

I smiled up at Aaron. “I appreciate the compliment, and the confidence you have in me. I hope I don’t let any of you guys down.”

“I don’t think you will. I think you’re going to be amazing. You’ll probably steal the show from me.”

I laughed at this. There was absolutely no way that I, a newbie, could possibly steal the show from a Broadway vet like Aaron Tveit.

I was sad when we reached my dressing room, although I knew it wasn’t that far of a walk from the stage. I wanted to talk to Aaron for longer, to have more time alone with him. But we were trying to prepare a show, and that meant that eventually I had to give up my time with him in order to rehearse.

Both of us paused outside of my dressing room. It was almost like we were waiting for the other to leave first. I glanced at the clock in my dressing room and sighed upon seeing the time.

“I have about two more minutes to get into my costume for my entrance medley and to get back to the stage. So, I guess this is where we say goodbye.”

“Well, only for now. I’ll be in the audience watching you absolutely destroy that medley, and then we have basically the entire play together that we have to rehearse,” he told me. “But, if you’re not too tired after rehearsal, I’d love to maybe go out and grab a drink with you. If you’d be interested in doing that, that is.”

Now was when my voice stopped working. I could barley believe that this was actually happening. Too many amazing things going on the one time, I was sure I was dreaming. I had to slip my hands behind my back to pinch myself, and I had to suppress a yelp as I realized I was very much awake.

“Yeah,” I finally managed. “I’d love to.”

Aaron’s smile was as wide as a child on Christmas morning. “Okay! Well, I won’t distract you any longer. Break a leg out there.”

I watched after him as he went back in the direction of the stage before hurrying into my dressing room to prepare for my next scene. The entire time I had a smile on my face so wide that my cheeks were starting to hurt.

I guess dreams really do come true.

[xxiamtiebrousxx]

Chapter 3 "Unexpected"(The Gentleman and the Assassin | CBS x Reader x Gentle Spy)

A/n: At this point, it's gonna be a combination of horror, comedy, and romance. 

“Ah, mon ami, where do ‘ou think ‘ou’re going?”

“Yeah, roo, where do ya think you’re going?”

I stared at the men, panting. They stood before me, blood dripping down from their hands. I backed up, hitting the tree softly. 

“Tsk, Christian, ‘ou scared her.” I gasped.

“Wait, Christian?” I asked. 

“Wot do you want?” he asked.

“Are you Christian, as in Christian Brutal Sniper?” He chuckled.

“That’s right,” he replied.

“So the stories are true,” I whispered. “That makes you Gentle Spy.” I pointed to the chuckling spy.

“You’re smart,” Christian said. 

“She reminds me of your old friend,” Spy replied.

“Ya seem like a good kid,” Christian said. “Too bad you won’t make it.” I whimpered as he pulled out his machete.

“Hold it right there!” We all looked back. Mike, all wounded and missing an arm, held a scatter gun at the murders. “Don’t touch her!”

“MIKE!” I yelled. “RUN!!” He shook his head.

“No! I’m not leaving you!” he exclaimed. “We’ll get out of here, alive.”

“I should’ve made sure you were dead,” the assassin growled. “You’re not gonna go anywhere.”

“Try me!” Mike exclaimed. He winced. His entire arm was completely severed off. Blood dripped like honey from a beehive.

“Hm, seems ‘ou still work,” Gentle replied. “Even missing an arm, you're still up and about.”

“Ya should’ve stayed dead. If ya did, ya wouldn’t have to witness your friend die.”

“You thought wrong!” Mike spat. “It’s gonna take more to.-”

BAM.

The spy had pulled out the revolver and shot Mike in the head. Blood oozed out from his head. His body dropped and rolled to my feet. I screamed as the men laughed.

“I never miss,” Gentle said, blowing the smoke from his gun. I scrambled away from the corpse.

“No, no, no, no, no, NO!!!” I yelled. “This wasn’t supposed to happen!” I fell down to my knees, crying.

“Don’t cry roo, it’ll be over soon.” A hand ran down my back. I jumped up, backing up to the tree. Christian pinned my jacket to the trunk. “Loike Oi said, it'll be over soon,” he growled.

“Let go,” I begged. “Please. What did I ever do?” I asked. His red eyes bore into mine. Christian pressed the edge of his machete into my stomach.

My father, before the death of my mom, told me to never let a man get close like this.

After the death of my mom, he taught me how to fight.

For my sixteenth birthday, I was granted his old butterfly knife.

I took it wherever, except school and public places of course.

It was lying in my pocket.

I grabbed it and slashed his face. Christian pulled back in pain. His partner came towards me but I grabbed his leg and pulled him down. I kicked both men down.

I turned around and began to run.

This time I wouldn’t stop. I wouldn’t stop until I was out of Teufort! The moon was high in the sky, but the clouds obscured the light. I couldn’t see where I was going. I heard breathing.

Breathing from behind me.

I looked, no one was there.

I turned around and crashed into a tree. I landed on my bottom. My nose was broken and blood dripped from it.

“Aw, did the little kangaroo get hurt?” Christian asked. He was hovering above me, machete raised over his head. I grabbed his feet and pulled them under him, causing him to fall. I scrambled to his feet, but Gentle grabbed my forearms and forced me to face him.

“It’s not polite for a cherie like ‘ou to hurt people,” he said.

“You killed them!” I yelled, kicking him in the place we do not speak of. He doubled over himself. I continued to run.

 I reached the end of the forest and came back to the car. Panting, I forced the car door open and jumped in. Luckily, Mike had left the keys in the ignition and forgot to lock the car. I started the car and screeched away.

The road turned into rough terrain back into the black concrete. The woods rushed by and the only source of light was the headlights. I cracked my nose back in place, which was a lot of pain. I reached for Olivia’s bag. She left her phone there. I turned it on, but the screen never lit up. I groaned, throwing the dead phone onto the dashboard. The clouds morphed into a storm and it began to pour. 

As if luck and life was hating me, the car began to sputter and slow down.  I screamed and hit my head against the horn repeatedly, scaring any nearby wild life.

There was no way I was gonna survive.

If I did, I’d be running from these guys for the rest of my life! Hollywood would turn my story into a slasher movie or something like that.

I lifted my head from the horn. The sniper stood in the road, laughing. The car lights illuminated his entire body.

“It was woise for me to slash the gas loine,” he said, walking towards the car. “Oi’m surprised the car was able to go this far.” I groaned. He harshly opened the door.

At this point, I didn’t care whether I died or lived. Life was going down the drain. I dragged my body out of the car and dropped onto the ground.

“Make it quick,” I mumbled, grabbing his machete and sticking the tip on my stomach. Gentlespy and Christian hovered over me.

“Oi don’t think so,” he replied, grabbing his kukri back. He bent over so that our faces were close. “We’re gonna make ya suffer.”

“Why?” I asked. 

“Don’t ask what’s in store, cherie,” Gentle replied. “Just know, we need a maid.” He grabbed my arm and hoisted me up.

“Get in.” I was thrown into the back seat of the car.

“Wait,” I said. “If there’s no gas, how are you going to get the car moving?” I asked. Christian, who was already in the driver’s seat, turned around and faced me. He frowned.

“Gentle, Oi think we need a plan B,” he said.

[19thcenturyedgelord]

TW: Transphobia, Homophobia, abuse, neglect, p3dophilia, s3xual assault, su!cide, alcohol

~Vent~

My mother is constantly saying that they is only two gender and is always dead naming me, the one time I get her to say my preferred name she rolls her eyes and scoffs as she says it.

My mother has told me my whole life that she owns me and that I don't get to make any decisions for myself, she was dressing me until I was disowned at 14.

My mother would threaten to k!ll herself is I ever did something she didn't like, this includes: having a panic attack, dealing with over stimulation, trying to dress myself, telling her to stop walking in on me while I was showering/changing, going to bed early, going to bed late, saying I was hungry, asking to be allowed to go outside, wearing my headphones, not being strictly christian/not eating kosher, ect.

My mother got rid of my pet hermit crabs without telling me and was constantly trying to release my turtles even though they would die in the wild and they were being taken care of very well with a large, clean tank and plenty of food and hiding places, a special light that was good for their shell, and a great water to land ratio.

My mother slut shamed me because I was wearing shorts that went above my knees (they were perfectly appropriate btw).

My mother would scream at me for hours if I got anything less than a 100% on a test and even if I did get a 100% she would ask me why I didn't get any extra credit even if there was none available and even if I'd did get extra credit she would ask why I didn't get MORE extra credit.

While I lived with my mother I had a diet of nothing but microwave meals and chips and chips because she spent all of her money on vape, cigarettes, and alcohol. I would constantly be near unconsciousness due to my low blood sugar because I had nothing to eat.

She has slapped me across the face multiple times, one time with sharp plastic that cut my chin, she did this as a punishment. One time she slapped me because my blood sugar was low and I was grumpy, this is how it went down:

Me: Hey I know you wanna talk right now but can I make some food first my blood sugar is low this should take me 20 minutes max"

Her: No, I'm you mother and your going to talk to me right now

Me: Can I please just get something to eat

Her: *yells at me wich causes me to get distracted*

Me: *spills uncooked mac&cheese because distracted*

Her: *yells at me then slaps me across the face*

My mother nearly beat me to unconsciousness because she was very drunk, I had bruises all over me the next morning but I was to afraid to say anything because I new she would scream at me and hurt me more.

She molested me daily, forced me to change in front of her, forcefully spooned me in bed for hours even after I said no, and would "playfully" spank me.

She was constantly talking about how sexy a 17 year old at her work was and even bought him vape. She would also talk about some of my friends like that and even tried to internet stalk two of them, we are all minors.

She would lock the door to the apartment and wouldn't give me a key and would force me to wait outside in knee deep snow for hours without any warm clothing because she stole it all. She also refused to drive me to school in -8 degree (f) weather because she didn't want to loose her parking spot. I was also forced to bike to and from band practice (with she forced me to to do because she wanted to live through me) in 30 degree (f) with heavy rain because she didn't want to loose her parking spot.

She would consistently make fun of me for reading or doing anything that I enjoyed because I was a "nerd" and a "looser"

She disowned me after she stole my phone, went through it and found out I was a lesbian.

I couldn't even go into my yard without telling her where I was going, if I didn't tell her I would be screamed at and not allowed out my room, for a day and then not allowed out of the house for two more weeks.

She routinely went through my phone and my belongings without my permission, knowledge, or consent, in case I had anything "suspicious".

I tried moving in with my dad and she sued him.

She stole my most prized pokemon cards, a bag, most of my clothes, all of my old toys, and over $200 from my in the span of two weeks.

My room didn't have a door and she positioned herself so that she had to go through my room to get anywhere else in the house.

She would frequently lock the bathroom door so that it was only accessable from her room.

I told her I like pop music and she called me a failure then continued to play her extremely s3xual, vulgar, music about dr*gs, alcohol, and r@pe.

From the time I was 8 she tried to force me to drink alcohol because its "cool"

She forcefully pushed me against a wall because I refused to give her a hug after she made an offensive joke and I called her out for it.

She screamed at me because I corrected her after she misgendered me.

I had to learn morse code just so I could speak to my friends without her knowing what I was saying.

When I started counseling because I wanted to k!ll myself and because I was having upwards and 15-25 panic attacks per day, she forced me to tell her everything that happened in counseling even if I didn't want to.

She always gangs up on me in fights but if I try to get back up she just yells at me more.

She refused to take me to the hospital when I had a concussion and forced me to go to school all week even though I could barely stand or speak and now I have verbal and motor tics which she makes fun of.

She would scream at me because I sit down in the shower even though I have arthritis. (Yes I have arthritis at 15, it runs in the family and before to long I might develop psoriasis, I have shitty genes)

I wasn't allowed to wear anything that revealed my shoulders, that was low cut, shower any part of my stomach or back, short that went above my knees, ect.

I wasn't allowed to get my hair cut below my chin because it " wasn't feminine enough"

I wasn't allowed to have anything that was "for boys" this included clothes, toys, books, stickers, blankets, posters, movies, ect.

She forced me to watch R rated movies with her even if I didn't feel comfortable watching them.

I wasn't allowed to have any friends over and I wasn't allowed to go to any friends house, the one time I did have friends over she judged all of them and tried me to stop hanging out with them after they left. My friends are all very good people and are the only reason I'm still alive rn, she was just mad that I was talking to people who weren't her.

She screamed at she because I got one (1) drop of dark green ink on her black coffee table that she got for free.

I wasn't allowed to draw any male characters because she was afraid I would get off to them or something idk (this was before I was forcefully outed)

She bought me a triple chocolate cake for my birthday once. I'm allergic to chocolate. She forgot my birthday the next year.

Anytime I would tell her about the terrible bullying that was going on she would tell me to get over it, even after I had been thrown to the ground and strangled by one of my classmates.

If I got into a new game or hobby she would either take it away or shame me for playing it.

She spent all day on the computer playing Sims 3 to the point where I had to feed myself, take care of myself, and play by myself as young as 5.

She screamed at me because while talking about Pokemon lore I mentioned how Arceus is the god of the Pokemon world and she said I shouldn't say that because it would "make god mad" ( I have nothing against christians or christianity btw, just the people who shove it down your throat like she does)

I wasn't allowed to eat or drink the last of anything (finishing a bag of chips, taking the last soda, ect.) If I did she would scream at me and slap me as punishment.

She threatened to forbid me form seeing my cousin (who for the first 11 years of my life was my only friend) if I ever "talked back" to her.

She wod frequently strangle me as a form of "tough love".

When I was 2 she tried to teach me how to swim by holding me under water over and over again, drowning is now one of my greatest fears. Luckily I did learn to swim with the help of cousin and granny and even enjoy swimming but it is hard for me to do things like wash my face in the shower or stay under water for more than a few seconds without panicking.

She never taught me how to cook but then would scream at me because I didn't know how to cook.

Her smoking inside and while driving has caused me to have some lung issues, she denies that she ever smoked near me.

She tried to take me away frome everyone in my life including my family and friends so that I could only spend time with her.

When I was in fifth grade she homeschooled me and forced me to do college lever reading, learn how to code, learn at least two other languages that weren't english, learn how to play guitar, do gymnastics, do jujitsu (japanese), do soccer, learn to sing (keep I mind I had no interest in music, but she did), do a digital homeschooling program set at a highschool level, and learn a bunch of useless skills like knot tying and making friendship bracelets because it was "feminine". This was in FIFTH FUCKING GRADE.

We didn't have a washer or dryer and she would never go to to town to get laundry done so I never had clean clothes.

If I had more that $10 I had to give the rest to her.

She tried to kidnap me once.

One time on accident I stood in a bull ant hill and got stung all over (if you don't know ants all sting at once), I was swollen all over and screaming in pain and she did nothing, not even give me ice or ointment, she just told me to be more careful.

[merulanoir]

So one thing that's kind of funny, re: religion.

I come from a typical Finnish family. Here in Finland it was (still is, unfortunately) common to baptize children a few months after they were born. Now, I was born in '91, and things have changed, but even in 2021 most kids become Lutheran whether they want it or not.

But. Most families are not religious. I visited church maybe...few times a year. I did go to a Lutheran pre-school from when I was three up until I turned six. If I remember correctly, it was a few times a week, and consisted of learning Bible stories in a kid-appropriate way. Apart from that, religion was never talked about at home. My grandma insisted on a bedtime prayer when we visited, but that was it.

I left the church at 16. Before that, I went through Confirmation, because it was yet another thing that was just expected from people my age. And the thing is, I have always been religious (at the age when I could understand what it means.) I desperately tried to make sense of Christianity. But by then I knew I was queer, and the best I could find was either "keep it quiet and we will look the other way," or "well of course we love you DESPITE you being queer."

So I left the church. I was an angry and depressed teenager, so I very fluidly declared myself an atheist. Over time, my mom and older little brother followed my footsteps and left the church too, and my stepdad had left even before he met my mom. We were a very secular family in a very Lutheran country.

Now that I'm beginning my conversion into Judaism my family is getting very uncomfortable. This clearly reminds them off my coming out as trans, because they're forced to confront something that they have been aware of but that has never touched them personally. Judaism is a big, unknown thing to them, and just like with trans stuff, they realize they would have to read and think about things in order to understand. And I'm fairly certain they just...won't.

Facing someone who says "yeah, I believe in G-d" makes them extremely uncomfortable, because they're used to laughing at fundies. Mocking religious people has become a standard joke in Finland, and now they feel like they have to walk on eggshells because woo, scary. I think that if I had returned to the Lutheran church this would have blown over, but my family doesn't know a single thing about Judaism. My mother asked me how I could feel like I fit in with such a "backwards religion" (her words, verbatim.) She was genuinely surprised when I told her about Reform Jews.

In the end I think some family members ended up doing the bare minimum of research about trans things. They mostly listened when I explained stuff, too. They're not bad people, just normal folks who don't like learning new stuff that requires adjustments to their daily life (hey, I've been there.) However, I don't think they will make any kind of an effort to accommodate Jewish customs. They observe the traditional Christian holidays out of habit, and those are not going to be changed simply because a family member converts to Judaism and wishes to observe Shabbat and the other important festival days.

Luckily the Finnish Reform movement is growing as we speak. I hope that through them I will meet more Jews and be able to participate in holidays and customs. On top of that, my partner lives in the US, so if everything goes well I will hopefully be living there part-time in the future. It would be amazing to be able to regularly attend services in person.

This is just me regurgitating things that have been running amok inside my head lately. I'm excited to start the conversion process. Our rabbi is cool, and despite her living abroad she is very much involved in our Shabbat meetings over Zoom. I'm also coming to genuinely enjoy studying Hebrew now that the alef-bet is no longer an insurmountable obstacle. I'm hoping to eventually read and understand enough that I could read the Tanakh and prayers without relying on a translation all the time.

[missramu]

Johnny Joestar Headcanons

So, I was really bored and decided to write about my favorite Jojo, 𝓙𝓸𝓱𝓷𝓷𝔂! This is a mix of headcanons with some canon stuff.

So, here we go!

✰ Johnny was that typical doll-like perfect baby: curly blond hair, pale skin, pink cheeks, little freckles and big blue eyes that followed everything with curiosity. The clothes he used to wear also helped to mantain that look: in the Victorian era, babies from wealthy families used to wear dresses with plenty of ruffles, laces, ribbons, buttons and frills -no matter their sex- and bonnets. Nowadays he still has freckles; although not that many. They’re mostly on his cheeks and arms.

✰As we know, Johnny is the youngest of two brothers (being Nicholas 5 years older tan him). This, plus the fact that he also looked really fragile, made his mother really over-protective of him. This was usually seen as Johnny’s being Anne’s favorite, but she only wanted to protect his youngest son. The way his mom treated him made Johnny a shy, yet kind, child. That kindness made him adopt Danny, as well as taking care of Slow Dancer even if he knew that she was old and almost ruthless.

✰ His hair gets wavy in humid weather. When he was a child his hair was a curly mess after taking baths, but now it simply curls in soft waves, which he tries to straighten as much as possible.

✰He was born in Danville, Kentucky; so he has a heavy Southern accent. But since the Joestar family used to constantly travel to Britain -and actually lived there for some years-, Johnny added some British idioms to his vocabulary, thus resulting in a funny combo of British slang said in heavy Southern accent.

✰He grew up in a wealthy family -his father was tied to aristocracy, and also was a famous racer and breeder, having won the Triple Crown seven times and owning farms to breed racing horses-, so he’s a little bit of a spoiled brat sometimes. This status also made him picky over certain things, like food or baths.

✰Johnny was educated to be a “British gentleman” and, even if his own personality sometimes makes him fail at it, he still tries to behave as polite as possible. One habit that stayed with him was the one to note everything down, showing off his fine calligraphy and his accountant skills. The Joestar kid also knows Latin and Greek, as he was schooled. He even went to Oxford for a short period of time.

✰Johnny has never been fond of dark colours; he has always preferred to dress up in light ones. Luckily, they suit him.

✰Since he was a child, he has proved to be very perceptive of his surroundings, as well as being able to read the mood quite easily. Johnny is also good at focusing, what makes him a really good shooter -probably hunting would have been one of his hobbies, if he wasn’t kind and compassionate-. He has proved to being able to shoot at little and/or moving targets, even if firing from odd angles and perspectives.

✰Johnny loved his mother, and would try to follow her everywhere like a duckling would follow its mother. It wasn't surprising that his first words were "mama". His next word was "horsie", and would enthusiastically say it as he pointed to the horses in the fields when the family decided to take a walk around the farm.

✰In the Victorian era, it was common for toddlers to rarely be in contact with their parents; as they were mostly raised by a nanny. He did have a nanny -whom he loved deeply-, but his mother was still around at all times; she was always there for him. Despite breaking this usual thing, he was indeed raised to be like the stereotypical Victorian child: proper, polite and quiet.

✰The youngest Joestar loved to visit the horses in the family farms, enjoying their company. His fondness for these animals evolved into his skills as a jockey; as he also is well-versed in equine science.

✰Johnny was five when he first rode a horse, and his father quickly considered him a genius. The young boy quickly started to believe this as an irrefutable truth, his ego beginning to grow. Although he indeed is a genius with plenty of skills that allow him to ride across many types of terrain, or even challenge fellow genius jockey -ahem, Diego Brando-; having such a big ego ended up wounding him.

✰Even if George did praise his early horse-riding skills, the rest of Johnny’s childhood was marked by a strained relationship with him. His father was unnecessarily severe, to the point of physically punishing Johnny. He also favored Nicholas immensely, belittling the younger one with constant comparisons. After Nicholas’ death, George was convinced that “God had taken the wrong son” and took out his sadness and rage on Johnny. This cruel behaviour caused Johnny great pain, and an enormous feeling of inferiority.

✰Anne's death was a big shock for the youngest Joestar. He felt like he had lost the only support he had in the family; his mother would comfort him after his father scolds and punishments. She also happened to die a short time before Nick's accident. Johnny was 9 when his brother died; and around 7-8 when Anne died. His father cruel behaviour towards Johnny hurt him, and the little boy was upset because he didn't entirely comprehend why his mom wasn't coming back.

✰The only one who calls him by his full name -Jonathan- is his father, and he despises it. Nowadays, hearing his full name triggers something on him, reacting with some kind of fear. He was used to listen to his father call him only to point out his mistakes and scold him; so hearing “Jonathan” makes him have that kind of reaction.

✰He is a magnificent horse tamer, as seen with Slow Dancer: the horse was introduced as wild and ruthless, but she warmed up to Johnny, to the point of helping him get on her by hoisting him and rolling him down his neck and into the saddle.

✰After his father disowned him and threw him out of the Joestar household, Johnny, in shock, decided to shut himself off. With this, he also created a vain and narcissistic facade in order to hide the sadness this rejection caused him.

✰He tried to take Black Rose -Nicholas’ horse- with him when he was disowned.

✰After he was disowned, when Father’s Day arrived, Johnny used to spend the day in a sour mood, secluded and probably drinking, trying to forget his lame childhood.

✰With his pride harmed, he decided to prepare for the Kentucky Derby, winning it at the age of 16. He made it out of spite, trying to prove his father wrong and growing his own ego; maybe he couldn’t defeat Diego back in the UK, but he won the Derby. He still believes that winning the Derby was his greatest accomplisment.

✰When he was shot and paralyzed, Johnny felt his own pride crushing him: everything he showed off suddeny vanished. Unable to ride again, the horse-riding promise fell into oblivion; he lost all the friends and respect he had earned as a jockey. No one came to visit, leaving him behind; even his own father disappeared from his life, not even visiting him in the hospital. For that, Johnny is used to being abandoned: he forces himself to not get attached to anyone, since he believes that they’ll probably leave him.

✰During his stay in the hospital, the nurses used to dose him with morphine. They did it in order to shut him up –the poor boy was in terrible pain-, but for that, he got addicted to morphine. Luckily, it was only for a short time, since he managed to get clean several months after leaving the hospital.

✰Due to having such a big ego, now his past glory crushes him. He hates how he lost everything in such a pathetic way; but also believes he deserves it.

✰Surprisingly, his arms and chest are really strong; because he is always using them to crawl around and to lift himself.

✰Due to his light complex and weight, he is terribly ticklish.

✰He is a Christian, and believes in Fate and karma, but in a kind of wretched way. Johnny believes that, throughout the years, Fate itself was taking revenge on him for his misdeeds; and that he deserved every misfortune he received. His obsession with the Corpse showed his obsession with karma too, and how he wanted to reset it to a neutral state, paying off his negative debt. His beliefs in Fate explains his lack of confidence and constant panic of losing everything, since he firmly believes that Fate could at any moment take away his hopes.

✰Johnny has depression and, for this, a lack of confidence. He considers himself a useless person, a burden, and unworthy of love. This gloomy perspective of life came from his youth, making him a pessimistic man.

✰TW//suicide. He has considered -and tried- to commit suicide; but he couldn’t. He claims that it’s because he’s a “coward that hates pain, and doesn’t have the balls to finish everything”; but, deep down, it’s because he holds on to even the smallest hope.

✰TW//self harm. He has several scars: the ones on his arms are smaller, and were self-inflicted -self-harm and suicide attempts-. He also has some scars on his legs, caused by wounds he got by trying to stand up, walk and ride; but the biggest scar is the one covering half his back, as a memento from the accident. The bullet left a mark, surgery made it ugly, and the abuse he endured during his stay in the hospital made it worse. Therefore, he now is ashamed and self-concious of his back.

✰Seeing his legs makes him feel weak, and he hates that. He also despises feeling as defenceless as when someone picks him up to carry him without his consent. He truly hates feeling powerless, and it also makes him incredibly angry -and lowkey sad-. He can only tolerate this if it’s someone who he deeply trusts and knows, and only if he has asked for it.

✰At first, he wouldn’t let anyone touch neither his legs nor his back; but after warming up a little, he would tolerate caresses and gentle pats.

✰He also hates when people look at him with sorrow or as if they were pitying him. He may be disabled, but he’s still perfectly capable of plenty of things. Usually, he will reject any kind of help as politely as possible, but his anger will show.

✰Meeting Gyro made him throw away his harsh facade. At first, he was uncaring of everyone else save himself, only maintaining a polite but cold demeanour towards people he met; but Gyro’s influence made Johnny slightly more friendly.

✰ Gyro also made a great impact in Johnny’s perspective of life; not all of a sudden, but in gradual steps. The Italian man gave him hope, helped him to knock out his lack of confidence, gave him some assurance and optimism and also was genuinely nice to him, making Johnny grateful for meeting him. He treasures their relationship deeply.

✰Johnny doesn’t belittles Slow Dancer for being old, as he knows that she has plenty of experience as a Racing horse, and plenty of stamina. He truly knows his mare, possessing great knowledge of her: he knows and perceives her abilities and limits, and is able to predict what Slow Dancer will be capable of. They have grown quite close to each other, and she ocasionally nudges and licks him gently. Johnny loves this.

✰Sometimes, to kill some time, he and Gyro will exchange curses and slang in their respective languages. Gyro finds American sayings strange.

✰Gyro and Johnny had a hard time understanding each other in the beginning of their relationship: the older man had a thick Italian accent, and Johnny had to decipher what the hell was he trying to say. After a while, they grew used to each other's accents, but Gyro still made fun of Johnny's.

✰ His determination doesn’t waver, despite having failed several times. Johnny focuses on his goals, and puts them above anything else. He is also willing to endure severe wounds in order to reach them. And if you also add his stuborness…

✰The man is REALLY stubborn. If he wants to get something, he WILL, no matter what. If he has to, he will be violent or kill his opponents. This is called as “dark determination flickering in his eyes”, indicating a ruthlessness which would make Johnny able to kill in cold-blood. For this, he may seem amoral and selfish, even extending this to the interest of his loved ones. Yet he isn’t truly amoral, protecting defenceless people and taking damage to protect the ones he cares about.

✰He’s rather impulsive and hot-headed, which makes him take action as soon as possible. Sometimes, he might end up regretting not thinking BEFORE acting.

✰ Johnny would do anything for his loved ones:

Even if he’s afraid of his father, he has always tried his hardest to live up to his expectations.

He loved Nicholas deeply and looked up to him as an idol, and blames himself for his death. After he died, he became guilt-ridden, believing that his brother’s death was his own fault and that he should have died instead.

He was willing to abandon the Corpse Parts he had to save Gyro.

(JOJOLION SPOILERS!) When Rina was struck with the Rock Disease, Johnny stole the Corpse to make it transfer the disease away from her, not caring who would receive it and suffer in her place. But when the disease transfered to his son, he healed him by transfering it to himself, dying in order to save his wife and son.

✰He’s the CEO of being done with everyone’s bullshit. He’s angry 85% of the time, and usually cries out of anger.

✰ He’s also a sarcastic little shit. Any stupid questions you make him will be answered with his fine sarcasm.

✰He’s HORNY! This is shown with his bug bite fetish and the fact that he has been involved in at least one threesome. He doesn’t mind empty sex either -as he slept with several girls who came to him only for his fame-. He’s also bisexual.

✰When it comes to affection, he prefers to show his emotions through actions. For him, they speak louder.

✰Regarding to affection, Johnny will deny it; but he is touch-starved. The man really loves hugs and physical contact. He likes to hold on tight and get as close as posible. Since he doesn’t usually speak out loud his emotions, he will show them physically. However, he would rather be held, feeling loved and protected.

✰He feels guilty when someone falls in love with him, since he believes he’s not worthy of happiness nor love. He tends to think that he’s making them waste their time on him, when they could be with someone who could provide them with what they deserve. He can’t help but compare himself to others, belittling himself.

✰When he has a crush, he will do anything to deny it. He doesn’t want to admit how someone began to be so important to him, and is afraid that “Fate” might take them away from him. If he has to avoid them, he will; just to get away and not face his feelings.

✰George does reconcile with Johnny, and feels ashamed of how he treated his own son. He claims to be proud of him now, and even gives Johnny Nicholas’ boots. At first Johnny was resentful and wasn’t planning on forgiving him, since he believed that his father was only coming back for his recovered fame. After a couple weeks he decided against that, forgiving George and honouring him by naming his only son after him.

✰Nicholas’ boots were one of his most beloved possessions, and were passed down as a family relic.

✰If Rina had allowed him to name their daughter, he would have called her Anne, in honour to his mother.

✰In Japan, the Joestar-Higashikata family lived in a farm. Although the place is designed in the Japanese traditional way, Johnny couldn't help but give it some Western touches, specifically to the barns. These ones were designed to be as similar as the ones his father had in Britain and Danville. It made Johnny nostalgic, but in a gentle and warm way; he purposefully made them like that, so he could remember his roots.

✰They were quite wealthy: not only for the Higashikata's fruit business, but also for Johnny's connection with the Japanese government.

✰As a horse-riding teacher, his pupils loved and respected him deeply. Johnny liked discipline -as he took his profession seriously-, but was also very kind to them, treating them with the respect he never received.

✰Obviously, he taught his children to ride as early as possible.

[earplover1344]

My Note of National Coming Out Day

Happy National Coming Out Day to everyone! As much as I hate as a lesbian I had to “come out” to my family and friends because it isn’t seen as normal to be a woman loving women, but I still take pride in this day! It has been a year since I came out to my entire family and I have never felt more myself since I did! I can wear my rainbows I can talk about my girlfriend without having to call her “my friend” all the time. It was a huge step for me, a small town, conservative family, farmer’s daughter to finally come out and accept who I truly am. I internalized my queerness for most all of my life. I started taking interest in girls when I was in high school that I can remember, but I had never really been into boys either. Everyone just told me that I needed to find a boyfriend or that when someone liked me I should like them back. The brain is a powerful thing and no matter how much you don’t want to do something on the inside, when you think it will get people to like you it is easy to let it invade your brain.

 I kissed many “frogs” along my way of finding my queen, but the journey of finding myself was much harder. I went through peer pressure and abuse. I have been so low in my life that I wanted it all to end. Many times I thought about what life would be like for other people without me around. I told myself it would be better because I was a burden, but the only thing that was a burden was that I was scared to be myself. By the time I found a girlfriend and gave it a try this is where the abuse happened and I have never been in a worse place than where I was that year. I went back to trying to like men because I didn’t get as attached to them so maybe it wouldn’t hurt as bad. I kept telling myself I am bi that is believable. I was very wrong...I hated it and I then had a man try to take advantage of me at a party and I was so scared. Luckily I was able to stop him and nothing too bad happened, but it was the scariest thing ever. That is the night I told myself no more pretending...I wasn’t going to force anything because I didn’t need to have a significant other to be whole. Rewind a bit to before all of that happened...I developed a huge crush on a girl but kept telling myself no she isn’t going to like you. You are at a Christian college where people probably won’t be like you...So if I would have listened to my heart instead of my head I wouldn’t have dealt with the issues I did because turns out the girl I was crushing on was pining after me as well. 4 years later and here we are going strong! It is crazy what happens when you just let things happen how they are supposed to instead of forcing them.

I am a lucky girl who wasn’t cast out by my family and they love me just the same. When I tell them this is who I have been my whole like they had questions, sure, but none that I couldn’t answer. Do my parents still think it is a phase...sadly yes...but I just have to keep showing them that I can be who I am meant to be without any question about it. 

So to all of those of you who are still waiting for the right time to come out; it will happen in it’s own time! Don’t rush it or think it needs to happen by a certain time. Do this on your own terms and on your own time line because ultimately it is your life and people should only know what you want them to know about it! Don’t let anyone tell you differently! 

[yourdeepestfathoms]

In Our Bedroom After The War

[Broadway Kids]

Prompt: “Fuck what they think. I respect you and if they don’t, I’ll break their knees.”

Word count: 2944

-----------------------

Tommy can’t quite remember when Carrie stopped speaking. Some people said it was in the third grade after she brought that Bible to school and started praying in the middle of lunch, others said after the Christian Youth Camp incident and she swallowed so much water that she “permanently clogged her vocal cords” or something stupid. Whatever happened, something had made Carrie White go silent, and she’s been a target of mockery since.

Deaf and dumb. That’s what the other kids liked to call her. But she isn’t deaf, Tommy knows, because she always reacts to what is said about her with great offense and pain, and she certainly isn’t dumb because Tommy has seen her grades when her report cards are stolen and passed around by bullies. She’s a smart girl, very smart. If anything, he was the dumb one, because the amount of times he’s almost given away their little get-togethers was unbelievable.

It started a month into the school year, he believed. He went into senior year, while Carrie just started high school. He can’t quite remember what caused them to start meeting up in the hidden bathroom under the staircase in the C hall stair well, and he’ll admit that he had never imagined himself hanging out with the city’s resident freak and actually enjoy it, but he would seriously miss their reclusive meetings every Friday after school if they were to ever stop.

Today in particular was very special. 1) because he was finally going to try and teach Carrie about video games (she was fourteen! she should at least know the basics like Pokemon and Mario!) and 2) he had noticed that Carrie seemed a little off the past week and he wanted to ask her about it.

When you saw someone like Carrie White, you would assume that she was constantly in a state of anxiety and depression, but Tommy has learned to pick up on little ticks she does over time. Like how lately, she’s been tugging on her hair and biting her knuckles more often, something she only does if something is really bothering her. Because of their social status in the high school hierarchy, he was never able to ask her if she was alright, so non verbal forms of communication would have to do until their weekly meetup.

There’s the way he tried to avoid letting her out of sight, and if it isn’t that, then it's the way they move around each other in natural synchronicity in the hallway, like celestial bodies that have been caught in orbit for millennia. It's the way he makes excuses to walk alone to class just to make sure she doesn’t get any trouble on the way to her own. It's the silent conversations, an inquisitive look (“You okay?”) answered by a minute nod (“All good.”). It’s everything he wishes he had done for her before his final year of high school.

He tried not to think about it. Tried not to think about how Carrie would soon be all alone again after he graduates. Tried not to think about what would happen to her when he isn’t there as her silent guardian. Tried not to think about how sad he would be without seeing her every day anymore.

Tommy slipped inside the bathroom, shutting the door as quietly as possible to avoid alerting anyone who may have been lurking around, and turned to face the rest of the space. Carrie is sitting at the sink counter on one of two stools Tommy had smuggled in there for them. She turned her head to look at him sideways, but she’s still got her nose buried in a sketchbook, which she still hasn't let him look at. He wondered what she's drawing. Maybe it's a treasure map. Or a secret code. Or that deer they saw earlier. Or him.

  “The party has arrived!” Tommy has announced, his voice rebounding loudly off of the silent bathroom walls. He dropped his backpack on the floor, unlike Carrie had done, as hers was hung up on one of the hooks on the wall.

Carrie finally put her pencil down and swiveled around completely in her stool to smile at him. She doesn’t show any teeth with her grin, and it’s slightly wry, but it’s a smile nonetheless and Tommy is honored to get such a thing from her. He examined her quickly, luckily finding no new wounds from bullying, then crossed over. She hastily closed her sketchbook.

  “One day,” He said. “One day I will see your masterpiece.”

Carrie gave him an apologetic look, her smile becoming a little more tight. She grabbed a nearby whiteboard to write on, but stopped when Tommy waved a hand.

  “No, no,” He said. “No need for that! I’ve been doing really well in my ASL class- you can sign to me!”

Carrie looked skeptical, but Tommy doesn’t miss the flash of excitement in her warm honey eyes. It’s not often that someone understands her when she uses sign language.

  “Come on, I’m smarter than I look! Don’t doubt my abilities to learn a new language!”

Carrie nodded. She held up her hands, shaking down the frayed sleeves of her shirt, and began to sign.

  “What (something) we (something) today?”

Okay, maybe he wasn’t AS fluent as he thought, but Carrie looked so much more comfortable being able to sign! He could just use his context clues!

  “Something very fun!” Tommy assured her. He took out his phone and turned on a playlist that they’ve been progressively adding more and more songs to (with Carrie having to write hers down and give the list to him, seeing as she didn’t own any electronics). You can tell who added what like this: if it’s Christian related or something grungy-chill, Carrie probably added it; if it has folk music vibes and/or a lot of acoustic guitars, it was probably Tommy, surprisingly enough; if it just generally sounds like it’s ripped from an indie movie, it’s kind of a toss up.

He took out the Nintendo Switch he got last Christmas next and set it up on the sink counter. Carrie tilted her head at it as if it were a peculiar flower that had just sprouted out of the porcelain countertop. 

  “Ever played before?” Tommy asked, although he already knew the answer.

  “No. (something) I’ve seen (something) (something).”

  “You’ve seen it before?” Tommy repeated, guessing just by the way Carrie had pointed to her eyes.

Carrie nodded.

  “Well, now you get to play it!” Tommy beamed at her and she smiled back, but it seems a little forced. Something is definitely on her mind- he’ll have to ask once she’s a little more relaxed. “Hmm… How about Minecraft?”

  “M-I-N-E-C-R-A-F-T. I’ve heard (something) (something).”

  “It’s fun!” Tommy assured her, selecting the game. “Trust me, you’ll like it.” He put the controllers in her hands and she rubs her thumbs over the rubber protectors. “So the main goal is surviving,” He went on. “There's a lot of objectives actually, but surviving is always the first one. Once you get used to it, you can play in Survival mode and start making a good base and start getting tools and armor and stuff, then you can move on to other objectives. But for now you can just play in Creative. What should we name the world?”

Carrie thought for a few moments, and Tommy could practically see all the random names cycling through her brain. After a moment, she signed, “(something)”

Tommy blinked.

  “One more time.”

  “(something)”

  “Can you fingerspell it, please?”

  “V-E-N-U-S.”

  “Oh! Venus! We haven’t learned planets yet.” Tommy said. “Wait- Venus?”

  “V-E-N-U-S (something) (something) (something) cool place (something) live.”

Tommy laughed. “Can’t argue with that logic!” He helped Carrie type in the name and clicked through a couple of other settings before hitting “create world”. Within a few moments the world was up and running. Carrie’s character was off in no time, exploring the blocky landscape and sifting through her colorful inventory, although her movements were sporadic and jerky since it was her first time playing.

Decorating the base was by far Carrie’s favorite part. There were so many different flowers for the outside and wood types for flooring and even COLORED glass. The only thing that would make it better was if you could have animals and OH MY GOODNESS YOU COULD HAVE ANIMALS!!!!!!!!

For a moment, Tommy debated just leaving Carrie there and allowing her to design the base and play around however she wanted, but he couldn't. He was so worried that someone may waltz in and see her in the boy’s bathroom and then do something to her. Carrie being nearly drowned in one of the toilets, Carrie getting her head smashed against the sink counter, Carrie being raped, Carrie getting beaten into a bloody pulp- so many horrible scenarios forced their way into his head. Carrie getting her throat slit, Carrie getting her body stuffed in the air vent, Carrie getting sodomized with a mop stick.

Why? Why were kids so cruel to her? Why couldn’t Tommy protect her from everything? Why does he know he can’t?

There was a soft touch on his hand and he jolted out of his thoughts. Carrie flinched away, too, then signed something he couldn’t understand, but knew she was asking if he was okay by the pinched expression on her face.

  “I’m okay,” He assured her. “Just thinking.”

She made the gesture of “what” and tilted her head. Then she pointed to herself.

About me?

  “Yeah,” Tommy admitted.

That made Carrie’s nose scrunch up in a giggle.

  “Don’t (something) S-U-E know.”

  “If you think that I would cheat on my girlfriend with a fish, then you are very much wrong.” Tommy said. “What about you? What’s been on your mind?”

Carrie put the Switch controllers down and shrugged her shoulders. She began to play with the cuff of her sleeve, not really making eye contact anymore.

  “Come on,” Tommy urged. “You can tell me!”

  “People,” Carrie signed vaguely.

  “People?” Tommy echoed. “People being rude to you?”

Carrie shrugged again, and it was clear she didn’t really want to talk about this anymore, nor did she seem to be in a mood to continue playing. Tommy packed up the Nintendo Switch and paused their shared playlist. He gave Carrie her backpack and they started to walk out of the school in mutual silence.

  “Sorry,” Tommy said as they neared the parking lot. “I didn’t mean to upset you.”

Carrie shook her head, then signed, “You didn’t. Don’t worry.”

  “Yeah, but-”

  “Well if it isn’t praying Carrie!”

Carrie went rigid, like she had been struck by lightning. She stopped mid-step and didn’t move as a group of seniors trot over, their faces alight with mischief and cruelty.

  “Ross!” One of them called. “What are you doing with this freak?”

  “Is she holding you hostage?” Another guessed, casting a look at Carrie.

  “I bet she’s leading him out to his car to force him to let her ride him.” A third said. The group howled with diseased laughter at that. Tommy is appalled. Carrie looked ill. “Is that it, church girl? The need for sex has finally broken into you and you’re ready to sin?”

  “Back off!” Tommy growled, shoving the boy away. He put himself between him and Carrie, becoming a barricade of sorts. “Leave her alone.”

  “I wonder how loud she’ll moan,” A fourth member of the group mused.

  “Can she even moan?” The second wondered out loud.

  “If you plowed into her hard enough I bet she’ll make some sort of sound.” The first said.

Carrie darted left and sprinted for the nearby line of trees edging the campus. Tommy glared at the group of seniors, then followed, concerned. 

The darkness of the forest quickly closes around them. Carrie is fast on her feet, but Tommy was an athlete and he caught up quickly. He snagged the back of her jacket in a loose grip. They stumbled together over uneven ground and exposed tree roots until Carrie collapsed in a hollow between two moss-covered rocks. Tommy slotted himself in front of her so that she’s shielded from all sides- the rocks and Tommy forming a barrier from the world.

He said nothing. He listened to the girl’s gasping breaths and knew that it’s nothing that words can cure- not anymore. Not after years of having no one, being stabbed in the back and spoon fed lies. He closed his eyes and immersed himself in the rustling of oak leaves, the distant calls of birds, the persistent harmony of crickets.

He wondered what Carrie used to ground herself.

He wondered if she grounded herself at all.

Slowly, softly, Carrie calmed to some degree. It comes faster than Tommy expected, but he assumed that’s just because she’s grown used to the treatment she gets. She shifted, wiggling her shoes beneath Tommy’s thigh. Tommy doesn’t shift. He won’t leave until she does.

  “It’s okay,” He finally whispered. “I’m here. I won’t let them hurt you.”

Carrie whimpered and made a sloppy gesture- Why?

  “Because I care about you.” Tommy said. “Fuck what they think. I respect you and if they don’t, I’ll break their knees.”

He wanted to make her laugh or smile or at least stop crying, but Carrie just whimpered again. She swiveled around to face him, eyes flashing with tears. 

  “Why?” She signed again, sniffling miserably.

  “We’re friends.” Tommy told her. “You know that, don’t you?” The look he got said that she didn’t believe it. “Come on. Tell me some things you know about me. You’d be surprised how well you know me.”

Carrie hesitated, then began to sign, “Your name is Tommy Ross.” She winced at how bland it was, but Tommy only nodded, brushing a bit of his dark brown hair out of his eyes. Carrie’s face scrunched up like she’s memorizing her timestaple in front of him, struggling to bring that gridded mess of numbers to mind. 

  “You’re the tallest (something) (something) everyone (something) your team,” She continued. The sky overhead is eye-wateringly blue, with crisply white cotton clouds scudding along the horizon. A light breeze shakes the leaves of a nearby oak tree that has the initials of some high school sweethearts carved into the base of its trunk. They’re a little crooked from where someone’s hand had slipped, the flat of a switchblade arcing a little too close to the bark, and making a J thicker, almost a U when you looked at it dead on. 

  “That’s right,” Tommy said. He knows his role here is only background noise. That’s his job, whether Carrie knows it or not, and he’s more than happy to fulfill it. He doesn’t mind being subject to the scrutiny of befriending ol’ praying Carrie because of it. Not if it’s what she needs to feel better.

  “Your eyes (something) like a (something) green-brown, (something) (something) like slimy algae. You always have (something) stupid red sports jacket on. Your sneakers (something) (something) white, once upon a time.” She managed to tease him, uttering out a tiny giggle.

  “What can I say, Carrie, I’m a filthy gremlin, like all boys are-” He joked, and she swatted him lightly on the arm. She bit back a laugh, and Tommy wished that she wouldn’t- Carrie tips her head back when she laughs, unabashed and on the edge of hysterical, giggling and snorting, shoulders shaking with mirth until she’s brought her gaze back down again, cheeks flushed from the exertion of being host to that much joy despite everything that she’s been through. No one holds the weight of trauma and mistreatment as heavily on their shoulders as Carrie White does- Carrieta, the library to all of those scattered instances of would-be’s-could-be’s-shouldn’t-be’s. And still, there is a smidge joy. It’s beautiful. He thought that she’s most beautiful when she’s laughing (don’t tell Sue, and if you do, make sure you let her know it’s completely platonic. but just don’t tell her at all).

  “You have, like, (something) favorite red shirt, with a light brown hood on it. And S-U-E thinks it’s hideous.” Carrie continued. She’s tapping her foot against his leg, a gentle soothing gesture, and he lets her. He knew that it’s more for herself than him.

  “You have a golden ring (something) onto a necklace.” Carrie signed. “But you don’t wear it (something) you think it (something) you look silly. But it’s really pretty.” Pause, and when she signed again, it wasn't about the necklace anymore. “It’s (something) (something) like having a sibling.” Pause. Carrie looked up at him with glittering eyes. “You’re Tommy Ross.”

The weight that she placed on his name makes his heart stutter, catching in his chest- the warmth that he felt towards her is almost unbearable, and he found himself grinning, mouth gone crooked in the gesture.

  “I’m Tommy Ross, that’s right,” He repeated to her, as if they’re introducing themselves at some shitty college icebreaker. “And I’m not going anywhere, Carrie.” He went on, a touch of urgency in his voice- and she smiles, eyes closing, though hers are more reserved than his, somehow. There’s a tear bright in the corner of her right eye, and it traced a thin path down her face. More come. They pool at her chin, dripping off of her face, and soaking into the softness of the earth. His chest ached.

  “And you’re not going anywhere,” She whispered, voice hitching a little halfway through. He swiped a thumb over her cheek, flicked the tear off into the green grass behind them. 

  “I’m not,” He promised. “I’m not leaving you, Carrie.” And his voice had gone soft, her name cradled gently in his mouth, like he’s afraid of breaking something precious.

[madllamamomma]

I Think I Have a Problem.... (A personal true story).

So as the title suggests, I have a strange problem…. Just as a warning, this is about my view of my younger self. It is about religion, and gender identity. This is not how I see the world anymore. It was how I told how the world should look. If you are offended in any way, please know this is a vent post and nothing to hurt anyone else. This is just what happened to me as a child. Shit….. This is about to get very long winded, so buckle up and here we go… *takes deep breath*

So a little backstory on your Mother Llama: I was raised in a weird backward ass “Independent” Baptist church most of my young life. If you guys don’t know what those are, be thankful…. But I guess I should explain it the best way I can…. they are a borderline cult. Yes. I said it. I’m not sorry. It may sound like an extreme accusation, but hold on. Just listen to me.

Now, I have no problem with Christians, or religion. You should believe whatever you want to believe in…. I do however, have a problem when religion is used as an excuse to not educate minds about the real world, force them to not let them think for themselves, and when someone questions any of it, they are punished or shamed for it instead of thinking about an answer. If you can’t tell, I am still a little angry about that shit. Imma try to keep on topic here….

I wasn’t taught science (real science anyways, it was all about ‘creation’ bs—OH! And being anything but a cis straight person was compleltly unexceptable. Woman were the weaker sex and were made to raise babies and take care of the husband. Men were superior and should be taken care of.) nor about World history or about other cultures, other than biblical of course. And when they were mentioned, they made them look evil and behave like heathens because they didn’t believe the same as they did. Everything changed when I went to public school half of fourth grade when my family moved to a different state and there wasn’t any church school like I went to. I learned a lot those years, that ‘The World’ wasn’t as bad of a place as they said it was. It was vast and had many things to offer. (No, not the World, Dio’s stan power from Jojo’s bizarre adventures—that is what our pastors called anything outside of the Baptist approved realm. Something ‘Worldly’ was basically something sinful and ungodly and therefor was bad and wrong).

So this may seem like a strange Segway in to what I am actually getting at, but I had a huge crush on this boy back when I was young and it started when I was about 12 or 13 years old and ended when I was 16. He was the same age as me, and he was the son of a pastor of a small church of about 20 people, mostly military families— we will call him.... D.... for dick...

I thought for a long time that I ‘loved’ D. I thought that ‘God made him for me’ (yes I really said that and it hurt to even write it). I really thought I knew what love was back then, but I was very wrong.

D was homeschooled, he didn’t have many friends and was also a navy brat like I was. So, naturally, we got along very well, and I would hang out with him at his house sometimes. We mainly played video games I was terrible at and he would always bet me. But I liked hanging out with him, so I didn’t care if I won or not. My heart for some reason was totally head over heels over D. And he liked me too for a while… or at least I thought he did… He however never made a move. I always thought D was just too shy, and didn’t know how to ask me. Any time I tried holding his hand, I’d chicken out. It was a stalemate. But this particular church did a thing where people had to court. Yes... COURT someone, not DATE (Courting is where you had adult chaperones keeping an eye on you two, you were never really alone. Ever, because apparently you can’t be trusted?). When we both turned 15 yo, D started a private Christian school. Being the awkward girl I was, I never told him how I felt, I just waiting for him to say something. Time passed, and I still waited and waited for him to ask me out.

But here’s the thing! He didn’t know the real me.

I was in public school, in middle school, and I started to become a weeb. Like a super cringy weeb that didn’t like anything else but anime—I was also kinda emo/punk kid thought I was edgy. (Yeah rock music was bad too, it was ‘Worldly’).Not a very good mix for Baptist I know. At school, I was one person, and at church I was another.

Well, being an anime fan meant I was exposed to a lot of things like the LGTB+ community for the first time. A lot of my friends at the time started to come out other than straight and that was very new to me.

During that time, I soon was starting to secretly question my faith, my understanding of my own sexuality and gender. Like, maybe people liking the same sex or both is actually not a bad thing after all (if you haven’t seen any of my works, hopefully you guys know that I know better that what I was taught—I am a proud fuckin’ ally! I still consider myself cis-straight, but some days I feel like I’m bi-curious, and that’s ok! It took me a long time to realize that, but I’m here now. Gender roles are dead and stupid.)

So here is the kicker~ One faithful day we had a guest pastor join us for a few weeks from another church. This mother fuckin’ nasty ass old white man from Alabama came with his ‘perfect quiet godly’ wife. Who badly ever spoke a damn word. She always just sat in the corner all ‘ladylike’.

—Oh!!! Another fun fact, I didn’t wear pants for a year when I was 10 yo becasue that was considered “cross dressing”— I’m dead fucking serious. My parents then decided after attending sporting events and stuff like that to drop that ludicrous lifestyle, becasue it was stupid. So, Outside of church, my family and I still wore pants and shorts and whatever, but in church we pretended that we didn’t wear anything but modest skirts, dresses, and long culottes. (That’s a little damaging…. don’t you think? Telling people your one thing, when in reality you're not like that at all??)

Anyways— I hated skirts, especially wearing them in the state we lived in, it was way too hot and I’d get chafed (these had to be knee length or longer btw). And of course that guest preacher would preach about the sins of women wearing pants, but I didn’t care. I wore them for so long, it just made me angry anytime someone would bring that up. I liked my jeans and I was starting to become a rebel teen who gave less than a fuck and started to speak my mind. Which was dangerous to that community…. Also I had a bad tendency of not keeping my legs together when I bent down, and one time I accidently showed my underwear (that’s really embarrassing btw, it’s not cute, it’s not funny, it’s awful when you're 14 yo-- really any age actually).

So, one day I wore a long jean skirt for a youth outing with the church. I was required to wear it, but I always wore leggings underneath so I wouldn’t accidentally show my undies if I fell down or the wind blew it. This fucker had to say something about it. The old man turned to me with a wrinkled smirk as I was passing by him and dared to utter, “Now, don’t you feel most femine and ladylike in that skirt? I’m sure Jesus would like seeing you like that.”

My shoulders clench up tight, my brow furrows. All I can remember seeing is fucking red and actually trembling with fury. (This was happening in my pastor, D’s father’s, own living room mind you.) D was there watching as I blanched about ten shades of red in anger and embarrassed because that prick of an old man called me out in front of everyone. I turned to him and half shouted, “NO! I don’t!” I could see my pastor’s mouth drop to the floor as I began to completely obliterate this old man. But I couldn't stop myself as I started to further cut into him. “—I hate wearing skirts! I don’t feel ladylike! In fact, they make me feel vulnerable! What if some guy tries to rape me! They won’t have any problem getting to me!—Why is something with a whole on the bottom more ladylike than something that actually covers me?! I like pants! They are comfortable and they make me feel safe! Why is that a sin to wear something that is more covering?!?! I’m not cross dressing, my mom bought them in the girl’s session!! [Keep in mind that was a long time ago, I don’t feel like people should care about what section they get their clothes from, wear what you want] And what do you know about wearing a skirt?! You’re a man! You try wearing them! They suck! You need to stop telling me what I can and can’t wear! I’m not dressing like a whore for wearing something with a crotch!! SO LEAVE ME ALONE!!” Everyone in the living room was just stunned at my audacity to dare speak to this pastor like I did. But he was so fucking quiet after that. And I stormed out of the house and the guest pastor never spoke to me again about it. Luckily my mom came and picked me shortly after that. She was angry too after I told her what happened. That old fuck singled me out and I was pissed off. I was a teenager and that shit was embarrassing!

But I made the mistake of showing my true self. I think after that moment, D stopped liking me after that.

Some shit went down south with my parents behind closed doors of my household, and eventually they got divorced. They left the small church because the pastor didn’t approve of it. Pastor said that my parents just needed more counseling but he didn't understand that they just needed to not be together. Sometimes you can’t make things work. Especially when your dad is a toxic piece of shit that only cares about himself.

Anyways, everyone in my family left the church, but I stuck around that shit-hole just to see if D would ask me out. I was so desperate, I felt like I waited forever, but really it was like 2-3 years, and I felt like I couldn’t give up. Eventually D and I turned 16. He started to become distant and a little mean towards me and I became confused and started to realize the worst. Finally, I was tired of waiting so I asked his older sister if he liked me on the way back taking me home. I could see it in her face, that she didn’t want to have my heart broken, but reluctantly she told me no. He actually liked another girl at his new private school and was going to ask her parents to court her instead.

I was so devastated.... It hurt so much, I cried myself to sleep that night, and most of that week I was very sad.

Obviously, after that, I stopped going to church entirely, I couldn't show my face anymore. Finally let myself question my faith, sexuality, gender roles, and humanity all together. And realized that religion was stupid (in my opinion at the time) and I came u with the conclusion that people can be sheep. I was a sheep for a long time. And I refuse to be one ever again.

High school was very enjoyable after that, and I let myself grow and started to love other religions and world history, and tried to stop being so judgmental of others and what they felt like. I even got into a relationship with a sweet boy around my age.

Eventually in college, after a break-up with my high school sweetheart, I reconnected with D via FB. Apparently, the church went under and his parents moved away to Greece to be missionaries or something. D still lives in the same town I’m in, but graduated from a “Christian academy”—not Catholic, Christian. Catholic colleges are accredited at least. But he basically told me he was a secret “bad boy” now. He lost his virginity in highschool, (like I did) and he was totally trying to booty call me. Not even hiding it either! He was like, “Hey, Llama, you wanna fuck?”.

And I was like, “D! You broke my fucking heart when we were young! Don’t you remember that???”

And he was like, “Oh no! I had no idea! (the fuckin’ liar). Well, we can fuck now!~ *wink, wink*”

🤨

This is where I was a jerk.... Because he broke my heart. I led him on, told him I would meet up with him at his house to sleep with him, and just didn’t show up—ghosted him ever since. The worst part about that, is I still don’t regret doing that to him. I hope I hurt his feelings and felt like an ass like I did.

So years have passed, I consider myself as a rather successful woman now. I’m 27, I consider myself Buddhist (I am a terrible Buddhist I know), I am an Occupational Therapy Assistant and I have a great husband (I married the guy I was with in high school). And he loves the real me—the crazy closet weeb, cartoon watching, creative, expressive, me! The person who also writes fanfiction about a romance novel and he is fine with it. Because he is a huge nerd too and we are both nerds together.

My husband is my best friend and I don’t know what I’d do without him. When I write about Rhemi and Muriel, I draw a lot of inspiration with our conversation we have and how relationship dynamics are and I think it makes the writing more authentic and makes them feel a bit more real.

I love my husband more than anything… So why do I keep dreaming about that stupid asshole that just liked the fake me? D was and always will be a total tool. He is like the basic bitch of a man. And yet I still find him creeping in my dreams and I try to cheat on my husband with him in them. I wake up feeling totally terrible and weird after them too. D is a terrible fucking person—the worst person you can be in my opinion—The kind of person why lies and tells people one thing, but hides the fact that he’s really just a nasty fuck boy. If you are one, just be honest! Don’t tell another woman you're a good christan man, when really you’ve slept with not just one, but multiple girls! That how you get fucking STDs! I hate being lied to, and I’m sure other girls do too! So I guess that’s why I do, because I felt like I was lied to my entire life. Then again, why should I even care?! Why do I feel like I still obsess over him? I hate him so much now! So why do I even care? Why do I still find myself stalking him on social media? Why does it even matter? Why do I want him to see I’m happy without him? Why do I want him to see what he could have had with me? We were just stupid teenagers! Why did I care so much? Why did it hurt so much when I found out he didn’t like me?! It’s been over a decade, and we didn’t even really date! Why did this affect me so hard? …. FUCK!

So yeah. That’s my long ass rant for you all… thanks for coming to my ted talk.