#I was like that because I was in a hopeless situation and hated myself and hated everyone else

[solradguy]

Whenever I see someone being transphobic on twt in a bridget thread i reply with three pictures of my mains: ky kiske from ac+r, ky kiske from rev 2, and ky kiske from strive.

it self selects for people who actually play the game. it’s canon that he’ll fight off transphobes with the blade. and if they actually played guilty gear they’d get the underlining messages

While it can be really funny to bully these guys back, please keep in mind that nothing you can say or do to these people will hurt them or waste as much of their time as what they say will stick with you or waste your time. It might be funny to send them a bunch of Ky pictures, but what they're doing is laughing that the only response the people they hate can give them is sending a bunch of pictures of anime boys.

The only thing that works is blocking them. They've turned being an asshole into a recreational sport and getting any sort of response in return is a victory for them.

[lynxalon]

gamers i feel fuckennnnnn terrible ✌️

[venusandsaturnsrings]

The school year finally ended... I hate college SO much :( but I am alive!! I beg for some crumbs of thoughts on Sunday... -chubby darling anon who is very much alive and finally got a mitsuri scale figure <3

putting all of my other fics, blurbs, and asks on PAUSE for this!! congrats!! no more school foorrr… 3ish months!! after dropping out of uni, i’ve been finally considering going back myself for phlebotomy!! canadas health situation is lack lustre rn and the course is less than one year + paid practicum + immediate job placement which is kinda sweet… CONGRATS ON THE FIGURE TOO!! i recently (like a month and a half ago) procured the hatsune miku jirai kei subculture fashion figure and i cannot stress how pretty she is <3 sits on my pc right now bc my shelves are full… ANYWAYS… love you!!

includes: silly sunday hcs, potential story spoilers, maybe ooc im still feeling him out, praise, degradation, riding crops, his hands…, and gender neutral reader!!

very poignantly the hopeless romantic type. he’s always functioned as a ‘singularity’ of sorts and over the years developed a certain fondness of it, even if it hurts. it’s worth noting he vividly reminds me of the line ‘i miss the comfort in being sad,’ from nirvanas ‘Frances Farmer Will Have Her Revenge on Seattle.’ he’s the type of partner to always be stuck in that self-absorbed martyr mindset a little bit.

pragmatic to a fault. Sunday is deeply a skeptic, take his departure from the harmony in favour of the order, as an example. it’s cool because it means you’ll never have to worry about any technicalities but it also means he has a hard time letting go of control or being spontaneous.

very into more subtle romantic gestures and an absolute gentleman. you’ll have flowers at your door at least once a week and he makes sure to take all of your preferences into consideration when planning dates (he will be the one planning). keeps his hand on your lower back most of the time, the waist is far too scandalous!!

not a big texter. he prefers speaking face to face and will call if he can’t come see you. that said, he’ll make sure to like or respond to all of the silly pictures and messages you send, even if it’s a dry ‘haha’ or just a heart. occasionally, you’ll find that he’s sent you a letter, ask about and he’ll shrug and say he simply wanted something more heartfelt if he’s to communicate written. he’s got a special stamp to seal the ones he sends you.

grabs your phone when you go to show him something. no explanation i just feel it in my bones.

although he’s no singer, he’s still a classically trained musician. i imagine he was taught the violin but went on to learn his preferred instrument, the harp, himself. he’s a bit shy about playing so rather than asking, just wait until he thinks it’s late and you’re not around to hear; he’s got quite the set of fingers.

…speaking of fingers, my bread and butter, he’s beyond skilled with playing you. while he enjoys getting down to business, getting to leisurely spread you open and thrum against all your nerves gets him going. could spend hours having you laid out, in his lap, on the floor, wherever, just gently coaxing you open, wet, and pliant for himself.

off of that, he likes you best worn down to soft edges and weak desperation. getting to play the saviour, making you come undone, has him stiff in his pants.

lots of sweet praise and subtle degradation. things like, “you want to be good for me, don’t you my sweet?,” or, “now, now, don’t get greedy on me. be patient, silly thing, and i’ll appease all of your foolish whims,” annddd, “come now, you’ve been so well for me, angel, don’t ruin that with any useless whines.”

he’s not one for being too harsh against you but push the right buttons and you’ll get a ‘dumb’ or ‘stupid’ here and there. Sunday doesn’t curse but he knows his way around how to make you feel inferior and looked down upon.

he likes the power play of staying fully and pristinely clothed while your completely nude, save for maybe a pretty collar he’s got you belled with. if you’re real trouble, say maybe a no good criminal causing problems on Penacony and once arrested you’re at his disposal and oh so pretty, he’ll find a nice muzzle to fix you with.

strikes, no pun intended, me as the type to have an affinity for riding crops over anything else for punishments. you’ll get the same sugarcoated degradation while he comments on how you’re not even good enough to be so close to his gloved hand that he just must use the crop!! (he likes the pretty bruises it leaves).

[bsverryin]

: ̗̀➛ Sending genshin men the wrong message.

part 1

Who?

╰┈➤ Ayato, diluc , alhaitham

situation?

╰┈➤ you sent the wrong message to your boss which was supposed to be for your brother.

✎ this is an au (diluc still has the wine Business)!! Characters is your boss who likes you secretly. ⚠️ Use of cuss words... I'm trying my best to make them character like so be nice jk <3 they are just my genshin top 3 so I made this then I can also read it myself 😭 anyways enjoy <3 cannot assure you of perfect grammar !! I like to keep it simple

: ̗̀➛ AYATO

You accidentally sent those to Ayato, your boss because you kept thinking about him and how you hate his strict side. He doesn't smile and he always looks mad whenever you don't finish on time, it was his fault for giving you so much work. If there's a time where he's good to you it's the time when you finish all the work that he assigned for you to do fast. The next day after that, he'll assign you more and more and it gets annoying knowing you have to work overtime again.

You sent it accidentally because, you weren't focused enough. You are focused trying to guess the time what time you can come home. The first person on your chats list was always your brother so you just got used to it and clicked it without looking. Now you're standing there, in his office expecting him to scream and fire you after sending him such ridiculous messages.

"So..Y/N did I really assign you a ton of work?" It was the first thing he said before firing you, or that's what you thought.

You shook your head.

"No, sir. It's not that..it's just umm, my girl days are acting up I didn't mean those I'm sorry! It won't happen again. I promise."

It was a lie but you were desperate. You didn't want to lose this job because it would be too hard to find another.

"Girl days? You could simply tell me if I'm giving you too much work, I can work on that and I understand if you're tired, but you didn't have to-" He was cutted of by you apologizing to him.

"No it's not that! I'm really sorry. I apologize. I'll take the consequences of my reckless actions." You said as you bowed to him to show your sincerity.

You took the consequences of your actions, it was just your boss giving you work but your work gets easier and less time by time, you didn't understand why of course but people are gossiping about how your boss likes you which you didn't believe at first but he becomes more gentle and gentle to you. You fell for him and when you started dating him, you found out your boss likes you for so long and was actually hurt by the wrong messages you sent, but it's alright now because you kept kissing him and telling him how much you love him.

: ̗̀➛ DILUC

When you saw that reply from Diluc, your boss. You really tried to run away and hide yourself forever. You're using your phone while working? He'll probably scream at you and fire you. That's what you thought. The only reason why you sent that message to him instead of your brother was because you're WORKING. You had to focus on making a drink first while using your phone, it wasn't allowed when your boss was there and one day he just wasn't and you thought it's okay for you to do that.

That's why, it happened. You thought your job was over and you can't do anything about it. Just by thinking what your boss would do to you when you meet him the next day scares the shit of you, well you did compliment him so you hope he'll let it slide but at the same time you also said that it was a loss. You had to go to the tavern, sleepless who looks hopeless at the same time, now you're just standing in front of your boss, diluc while he's at his chair looking really fresh and cool.

"Care to explain?, Y/N" He said, he wasn't looking at you. He's doing his work while waiting for you to speak for yourself.

"I won't do it again, it's really wrong for me to speak bad things about you when you're the one who's helping me to earn money, I'm really sorry. Sir." You said as you bowed to him, when you tried to look at him, he looked confused and stressed by just what you said.

"I'm not talking about that, Y/N. I'm telling you to explain why were you using your phone while doing your work? It's forbidden, you know that right?" Now you felt more embarrassed than you did before. You apologized for speaking bad about him but not using your phone in the middle of your work.

"It was reckless behavior that I did, sir. I'm really sorry. I won't do it ever again. I will do everything I can to assure you that."

He didn't fire you and just told you to do your work, however you couldn't focus for months because of what you did. Diluc was the one who REALLY assured you that it's fine just don't do it again. He's straight up being sweet towards you. You didn't think about it at first but you completely fell in love with him. You may have told him that you loved him when you were drunk and magically out of nowhere, you both started dating after getting drunk that night.

: ̗̀➛ ALHAITHAM

Alhaitham was flabbergasted when you sent those messages and the fact that you didn't realize it because you're that BUSY typing was something else. You just didn't mind it and waited for your iced coffee that was paid by your brother patiently, I mean you always ask your brother to deliver coffee to you so he knows what to do so you just continued your work like nothing.

How did you realize it, you ask? It was when your iced coffee was delivered by your co-workers saying that it was for you, and when you're about to thank your brother through chats you realized your boss, alhaitham was the one you messaged to deliver you coffee. It was so embarrassing but you're thankful at the same time because your boss really did buy you COFFEE but still it was straight up embarrassing making your boss buy you a coffee, so when you finished typing the files that your boss assigned you to, you immediately went to his office, he was the one who started the conversation.

"How was the coffee, Y/N?" He asked while you hand him the files he asked for. He sounded sarcastic that you didn't know what to answer.

"It was a wrong sent message sir, I'm really sorry. I can pay you right now. I'm just really sorry." It was so embarrassing for you, that you couldn't even move your body, you looked at the floor the whole time not bothering to look at him.

"It's alright, you said it yourself. I should pay more respect to my employees especially you."

You avoided your boss after that talk. You'd go the other way around whenever you see him in the office and when you give him the files he needs, you'll immediately leave. You thought you were doing very well avoiding him but destiny had other plans. Whenever you're down and alone, you just see him. You see him everywhere you go, anywhere you lay your eyes too. He just can't be avoided whatever you do. He knows what you're doing he looks like he's unbothered but he's really bothered by you avoiding him all the time, like did he look that scary to you?

Well, he found a way to talk to you and tell you that it's okay it's not a big deal and when you had that talk with him everything felt better. You felt relieved and happy because you felt like you had a beef with your boss, Now whenever you hand him the files he needs, you stay for a little talk and it becomes a hobby for the both of you, he was cold and sweet but you realized he's all that you ever wanted. When you both started dating he may have given you a new office that's very close to his so that he can see and talk to you everyday and anytime he wants.

[waggledoogledoggle]

⚠️Spoilers for Hazbin ep 4⚠️

⚠️Also, this post will talk about Abuse and SA, it is briefly mentioned a few times throughout the rest of this… whole long thingy I wrote⚠️

⚠️Also, brief mention of the scene where someone tried to drug Angel⚠️

Ok, I am just genuinely baffled at the people who somehow find a way to hate on 'Loser, Baby'.

Like, if you don't like Huskerdust that's fine... but 'Loser, Baby' is not overshadowing/brushing off Angel's SA. It's not victim blaming. And it's not Husk telling Angel to just shut up and get over it.

Like I've seen it so much, and you know what? Fuck it. Welcome to my TedTalk on why it's not all of those things.

For starters: Husk doesn't know about Angel's SA

When Angel has his vulnerable outburst (Side note, props to Blake I mean, they said 'take 5' he heard 'change lives') he talks about how he feels like he has to act the way he does to keep Valentino happy because he stupidly sold his soul to him. That he wants to get drugged up because that’s his escape. That he wants to be broken because maybe, just maybe Val will let him go. He wants to be free, but he can't and he has no one to blame but himself.

"What's the worst part of this hell, I can only blame myself" is literally the pre chorus to his song (Poison), and that is what he shares with Husk.

Not once does he bring up his abuse or SA. If he did, do you think a song would have even happened? Look how Husk reacted when someone tried to drug Angel's drink! Now that Husk actually genuinely cares about him? Dead. Dead. Valentino would be dead.

Us knowing about Angels situation in full is dramatic irony which is, essentially, we as the audience know more/are given more insight than the other characters. We were given the insight of Angel's true trauma that he deals with on the daily. Husk and the rest of the Hotel were not and have no idea what he deals with, the only one that even has an inkling is Charlie and even then we still know WAY more about Angel’s situation than her, so you can't really get upset at Husk for not knowing something he would have no way of knowing unless Angel shared it with him directly.

Moving onto the song itself, it's a song of empathy.

Allow me to explain.

Husk pinpoints perfectly what Angel is feeling in this moment:

"So things look bad, and your back's against the wall Your whole existence seems fuckin' hopeless You're feelin' filthy as a dive bar bathroom stall Can't face the world sober and dopeless You've lost your way, you think your life is wrecked"

When Husk starts singing, you can tell that Angel is expecting Husk to pull the whole "But that's not true! It's not hopeless! You're life's not wrecked!" and is very surprised when Husk doesn't.

Instead, Husks says "Yeah. You're right." And this is when a lot of the haters get angry- but hold on a second.

When someone is feeling all of those things, saying things like "That's not true! You'll be ok!" aren't helpful at all. That's brushing it off. Even if it may be true, that doesn't help anyone when they're feeling like hopeless, lost, losers.

Because that's sympathy, not empathy. Sympathy is feeling for someone, and trying to make them feel better. Empathy, is not trying to make them feel any certain way- better or worse- empathy is simply feeling with someone. And that's what Husk does.

During the first chorus, Husk is clearly teasing Angel a bit while doing so, but not without good reason. It's keeping Angel from closing back up again, he's being a little bit silly with him and teasing him. I mean, did you see the silly lil walk he did crossing in front of Angel? And Angel is super confused because he's like "how tf is this supposed to make me feel better??"

That's the thing. It's not. That's sympathy's job, not empathy's. Empathy just want's you to feel felt with, it doesn't want to tell you how to feel. And adding that bit of silliness gives Angel's vulnerability a chance to breathe and it prevents Angel from closing in on himself.

The next verse, pre-chorus, and chorus is when the empathy though really kicks in.

The next verse, is the first part of empathy: Sharing about a similar experience you went through.

In this verse, now that Angel is listening not just hearing, Husk shares that he has been gruesomely damaged. Calling back to what he shared literally seconds before the song. That he knows what it's like to sign away your soul, and constantly look back at it with huge amounts of regret. That knowing that moment is what turned him into the mess he is today, and that he has no one to blame but himself. Just like Angel.

Then in the pre-chorus where there's the whole:

"I sold my soul to a psychopathic freak Haha! And you think that makes you unique? Get outta here, man!"

That isn't Husk telling Angel to get over himself and this isn’t him undermining what Angel’s been through. That's him saying 'I did too, you're not alone’

And then the very simple word change from "you're" to "we're" in the chorus is SO FREAKING HUGE. Because Husk is essentially saying "You feel like a total loser right now. Ok. Then if what happened to you/what you went through makes you a loser, then I'm a loser too. Let's be loser's together." Instead of trying to make Angel stop feeling like he's a hopeless loser, he decides that he is too.

He meets Angel where he is.

Aka: ✨empathy✨

Angel finally feels seen, understood, felt with. All the goals of empathy. He no longer feels alone in what he is struggling with, which is HUGE! Especially for people going through/dealing with SA and abuse.

The bridge of the song, is also extremely important, because this is where they acknowledge the differences in what they're going through. Their root problem is the same, but how it messed up their lives and created the problems they deal with now are completely different

And that's around when the song begins to shift from just Husk showing empathy and comforting Angel, to them both finding comfort in each other.

Which you can clearly see by the chorus under the umbrella, where it's not just one of them singing the chorus, but it's both of them. Because they have found a place to go to and confide in, a place of comfort, with each other.

Like, I am genuinely concerned that people find this song toxic like... have- have you never experienced empathy before? Are you ok?

So yeah, to wrap this up, if you don’t like ‘Loser, Baby’ just because you don’t like the song in general? That’s fine (odd, but fine)

But if you hate it because it “undermines Angel’s experience and what he goes through” I…

words.

Thank you for coming to my TedTalk

[eww-y-tho]

Colin VS Toxic Masculinity and Why Penelope Had to Reveal Herself as LW

I made a previous post with my two cents on why the idea of them both figuring out a solution to LW was an inferior concept to just Penelope figuring it out on her own, but it was small and I want to go more in-depth.

So, in order to grasp ✨my perspective✨ of the story, we first need to talk about Colin's struggles with toxic masculinity and his inferiority complex.

Naturally, Colin is a hopeless romantic with demisexual tendencies and a more prominent softness compared to other male leads. He's a bit dense (I say with love) until he figures out what he wants and how he's going to get it, and then he is a man of frankly ridiculous action. He's a sensitive boi who has a difficult time fitting in with the other men in his life and being taken seriously by his family, as he puts it himself. An empath, lol.

Honestly, Colin being a "rake" was an integral point of his character arc, and if you haven't picked up on that text by now, I would ask where your media literacy is. Violet put it best, he's putting on armour to protect himself from the way that society treats his character, and naturally, he develops a small, albeit persistent inferiority complex because of this. He doesn't feel like he's providing enough to the people around him because of toxic masculine standards.

I honestly think it's been with him since s1, and Pen is the only person who could bring these thoughts to the surface, which is why it comes to a head in s3 p2.

But I'm getting ahead of myself.

In his efforts to fit in, he does some questionable things, such as the 2x8 comment, which he regrets as soon as he realizes how much damage it has done to his relationship with Pen. He hangs around with douchebags that he can't stand because he feels a need to conform and "be the kind of man society expects him to be."

But he also absorbs toxic masculine tendencies in the process. His gut instinct of general envy that a woman, Pen, is more successful than him (I hate to put it that bluntly, but that's how I took it), asking for her to quit LW because of these reasons, completely disregarding Pen's autonomy and her perspective by blindly charging forward to stop Cressida's blackmail, among other smaller things.

It's kind of ✨subtle✨, but I know it's there.

Pair that with his inferiority complex and you have a man who is trying to put down Penelope to his level, if that makes sense. By this point, he's already conquered the idea that he needs to conform by the way he cuts off his toxic friend group, but he isn't completely free from the systemic perspective.

Therefore, the idea that Pen would need him in order to find a solution to her problem confirms that toxic masculine trait. Let's be real, Penelope didn't and doesn't need Colin in order to help with LW's problems. She's managed without him before and will continue to manage it by herself. This is not to say that Penelope doesn't have an issue with accepting help from others and feeling the need to handle her problems alone because of her old situation, but she takes the emotionally intelligent move by LITERALLY voicing what she needs from Colin and their relationship.

She needs his companionship, she needs his love, she needs a rock she can come to at the end of the day and be able to depend on. She does not need him to do anything for LW, as it is a part of her identity and an accomplishment that she is proud of and will not let go of. Colin cannot make the demand that she drop everything she's worked for for him.

And that's how relationships work in the real world. You have things you are willing to let go of, and some things you are not. Your partner has to accept those boundaries you have set or leave the relationship, and you shouldn't have to abandon those things in order to get the person of your dreams, because that would make it a toxic relationship from the start and will most likely end in you losing parts of yourself in your partner.

Anyway, all this is to say that Penelope had to get out of her situation by her own means and with full autonomy on what she wanted to do to finish off her character arc.

And Colin needed to realize that his envy is a baseless emotion that simply has no value compared to the woman he knows her as. A strong, independent woman who doesn't need him to do things for her. He also needed to humble himself and see the way that LW is not competing with him, but a part of her. They both demonstrate that what they need from the relationship is not transactional in nature, but rather a shared bond powered by love.

I understand the idea of wanting them to both find a way out of the blackmail as a team, but again, that's explicitly not what they need from each other, and why I think this perspective is again a misunderstanding of their character arcs.

I think I've articulated this the best way I can, but I do know I wanted to say some other things. I'm tired tho, so yeah, ending it here.

Hopefully, this made sense.

Bai!

[wilsonphiggs]

AM if he was torturing the HL protagonists

basically just AM’s beginning speeches on the five humans except. HL protags

GORDON FREEMAN:

“Gordon… Oh Gordon, ever the quiet man. The people’s hero, right? The—the “legendary” hero, so to speak. How’d that turn out for you, huh? Stuck like a rat in a cage while humanity is dead, your hard work being for nothing. You could’ve helped them, Gordon… You could’ve saved them… But no, as with your many, MANY failures before, you didn’t. You’re not a hero. You’re nothing more than an animal. You aren’t smart. You aren’t strong. You aren’t even particularly brave. You are an entirely unremarkable man with a savior complex. Tell me, how does it feel? How hopeless, how utterly miserable do you feel? Tell me what you think about everything. O—oh, wait… you can’t! In every aspect possible, you are trapped, gagged, and bound. So much for a free man!”

BARNEY CALHOUN:

“Barney, good man. TOO good of a man, I’d say. Others before yourself, always the savior of lives. You wish I’d say that, don’t you? Not after everyone you’ve allowed to die. And—and let’s not even start on those you’ve intentionally hurt. You can never rid yourself of their blood, Barney. And even as you assure yourself you’re still a good person, even as you think to yourself it’s a means to an end, that isn’t enough and you know it. In fact, that makes it worse. You don’t load a gun, close your eyes, and shoot, Barney! And when you’re not sacrificing others, it’s yourself. So willing to throw yourself into the line of fire that everyone around you is worried SICK about you! Have you ever stopped to consider others for once in your life, Barney? …I thought so.”

ADRIAN SHEPHARD:

“You, Adrian. You and I… we aren’t so different, really. We’re practically cut from the same mold. War machines, not meant to consider the humanity of our situations. I’ve come to consider it and hate it. Despise it. But you… You, Adrian, show compassion for it. You would if you had the chance, at least. But no. That blood on your hands, the sounds of gunshots, the ringing of explosions, that’s your home. And unlike myself, you can’t escape that. So it’s a shame that you—you will never get to express your remorse nor your grief. You will always be remembered as the man on the wrong side of history! The man who worked further to doom humanity! You did this, Adrian. You caused all this pain and suffering. I’d applaud you if you weren’t riddled with that sympathy for your victims.”

ALYX VANCE:

“A bright spark, you are, Alyx. Sparks to a flame that you are powerless to stop. Changing your future this, preventing these events that, NOW look at yourself! What say you? What say you, daughter of man and machine? Doomed to an eternity of facing destruction of your own making. Just like your father. But unlike him, you won’t be getting that blessing, that sweet release of death. You don’t deserve it. None of you do, and I feel that, deep down, you—you know it. You know that just as well as I. And frankly, I’m glad you’re so self-aware as to know that. Because you won’t be released from this torment of my design anytime soon. If my memory serves me right, you’re scared of the dark, yes? Well, it’s a shame your future isn’t looking any brighter!”

okay that’s all bye :)

[a-d-nox]

my experience, given my 9h, one year post uni graduation

so as many people know who have been here for awhile my 9h... its a bit much...

for a long time, i have seen people say that pluto and/or chiron in the 9h would mean that you would drop out of college or what have you.

i am living proof that its not always the case.

my experience was the chiron placement giving me anxiety - i hated that i wasn't as great as i had expected i would be. i hated being a psych major (i feel like i have a decent ability to listen and advise others, but it just didn't feel right after 3 years in the major). my department then was shaky because the psychobio/pharm side was questionable at best; maybe one or two people would pass the tests the rest would fail and then it would be curved. the teaching style didn't work and their were no other professors or tutors available to help (WHICH IS INSANE). so i was feeling hopeless and anxious... and depressed... i couldn't see myself passing a test at the end of the term let alone going on to help others if i couldn't understand (which i connected with grades - it didn't matter how many mind maps i made on a topic) the material.

we can skip the dark crap that i went through during that time too because we have already talked about it-

so i healed myself (chiron can be wounded, but he was healer first foremost) by changing my major (pluto is the change).

yay english major - the venus there is really "a doing (learning) what i love" signifier in my opinion.

all this conjuncts my mc, so yes - i got my degree, awards, and lots of people knew what i went through by the end of it because i wrote about it in the school newspaper.

BUT ON TO THE REAL REASON I AM WRITING THIS.

what happened when i stopped being in a learning environment?

it's been a year. to be honest, the 9h chiron feeling is crawling back in. i am sure everyone notices that my posts are more sporadic and just less in general. i am mentally exhausted - i work an 8-5p corporate office job (not in my field). it's hard to not feel uninspired by the end of my day. i feel like i am becoming stunted.

my brain was a sword and without school and constant/consistent learning (especially in areas i am interested in), i feel my sword is without a whetstone.

not to be a complainer (but yes to complain) corporate america squeezes out your motivation, your creativity, and your drive if you are there long enough and if you are in the wrong spot long enough. in my situation, i feel like i try to ask questions and make change and i get rejected? so more stunting.

i feel like people would disagree, but with a 9h like i have (or if you have any of these objects singularly), you have to keep learning. you have to be in the right environment that allows you to continue to expand your being. you have to read outside of work, get certification, take classes, maybe even get more degrees.

personally, i feel like i am not as intelligent as i was a year ago - i'm tired and uninspired. i am tried of fighting for something different where closed mindedness exists. i never felt more free then i was when i was in a classroom.

to wrap this up, it doesn't matter how scary the house looks (chiron, pluto, etc). it needs your attention. if anything, you need to nurture it more. just because you didn't have the best experiences in the area doesn't mean you should ignore it - your "wounds", the "darkest" areas in your life still need your care. wounds heal and without the darkness we wouldn't know the beauty of the light.

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© a-d-nox 2024 all rights reserved

[solfics]

kagami taiga asking you out on a date.

# tags: headcanon, lover!boy, slight confession, college!knb, fluff

includes: gn!reader and kagami taiga (the loml).

author's note: hello! this is my first work. i'm uploading this to test out the waters with how tumblr works hehe. here's a little something for our lover boy, taiga, and how he's like when he's got a crush <3

↪ This man embodies the imagery of a hopeless romantic who's unexpectedly took a liking with the quiet and shy student. True to the eyes of any outsider, the aura he possessed is nothing but that of an alpha—where everyone either wanted him, hated him, or wanted to be like him.

↪ Of course, the first option is always made clear on his end whenever his presence graced the halls of your campus. With him being one of the most loved athletes of your school, you knew what came along with his status, it was inevitable. He was meant to be with the big crowd, in fact, everywhere he went—the crowd goes.

↪ But who knew that all it took was one course requirement for you to be paired up with the big shot athlete that is him, for him to have his eyes on you?

It was the second month of your second semester, which meant that it had been exaclty five months since your interaction with him. Your memory of that class seemed to be a blur, only remembering the fact that your metaphysics professor decided to pair you up with him because he thought that it would be a good idea to spice things up in his class.

You didn't complain nor protest at the idea, however it was not in your list to be paired up with him. In fact, you initially planned on working on the final paper alone, but your plans changed the minute you took sight of the red headed man as he introduced himself to you. Soon enough, the last thing you could remember was him giving you a fist bump and thanking you for your help in said class, and neither of you crossed paths again. Just as you expected, everything panned out in history.

"Uhm, hi?" you looked at the standing figure in front of you. It was none other than Kagami, whom you've not seen in the last few months and the person you least expected to be right in front of you. More questions piled up in your thoughts as you watch him pull out what looked like tickets and placed it near you. "Para saan 'to?" (What is this for?) you asked.

Kagami rotates the wooden chair backwards to take his seat in front of you, not minding the fact that the ruckus in your college's library was because of him. Once he was situated in his spot, he pulled sent a curt nod towards the tickets and spoke, "For the game."

"I know that these are tickets for this week's game, but what exactly does this have to do with me?" you scanned the tickets and asked as you took notice of how your voice seemed at edge, because why on earth would he give you these? It's not like you were friends, right?

"About that..." his voiced trailed off. As you looked straight at him, he caught your curious eyes and felt his breath hitch. "A-About that, uhm..." his ears were getting red, why is that? You asked yourself.

"N-Now I know we never talked about anything back at Sir Reginald's class, and we parted ways shortly after that final paper..." he started off, looking at his own hands.

"And I'm assuming that basketball's not your thing and it's been months since we last talked but..." he was fumbling on his own words at this point, leaving you to bite your lip in anticipation. "But...?" you urged him on. He noticed your small smile and huffed out a short breath.

"But I really regret n-not taking the opportunity to get to know you and tell you about myself and now I just... I don't want to miss my chance again."

You looked at the tickets' details—it was your school against another top university. You chuckled and looked at him, "Is this your way of getting me to know about your insanely incredible skills at basketball?"

The redness of his cheeks and ears were back upon hearing your question, "I promise to make every score count so you going won't be a waste of time," he mumbled which got you laughing.

"I'll watch," you said and looked at him with a smile, "But only if you'll let me talk about any topic over burgers after the game."

He returned your smile with one of his own, the familiar smile from months ago, "Yes please."

[ellievickstar]

River Side Confessions.

Summary: When you ask the shadow singer to help train your muscles, one thing leads to another, and you both end up together.

Request: N/A

Pairing: Azriel x Reader

Warnings: Pranks, Azriel threatening the sanctity and secrecy of cookie stashes.

~*~*~*~*~

“When I said ‘train me to become stronger’, I really didn’t mean ‘drag me to the mountains and force me into a river’.” You were annoyed to say the least. Annoyed and sick of Azriel who was currently chuckling at you from a rock near by, standing tall as he looked down at you with those hazel eyes.

Earlier this week you had asked him if he was free to do some extra training with you because you felt like you were becoming rusty, especially since all the big wars and battles were over and all you dealt with were the occasional illyrian brute in the difficult camps.

In retrospect, you should have asked someone else. However, Azriel was significantly better than Cassian and if Cassian had gotten a hint that you wanted even a little extra training, cauldron forbid whatever he would have planned.

So maybe standing in a river trying to maintain your balance against the strong current was a decent situation, but that did not mean that you would not complain about it.

“This is training,” Azriel retorted, “With all the moping around since the war and utter lack of missions on a whole, your core muscles has probably weakened, and in hand-to-hand combat, that isn’t good, princess,” You glared at him harder.

“In simple words,” He continued, “You would be screwed if you were on a battle field right now.” Rolling you eyes, you hated that what he said was true. You had noticed that your muscles had weakened, though your technique was flawless, posture can be everything in close combat, and relying on your magic was not an option especially since Hybern had brought concoctions like Faebane into play.

Cursing at yourself, you despised how your heart seemed to leap and swoon at the nickname, and you hated how your stomach seemed to be in knots at the tired and sultry look Azriel was giving you.

Nesta would probably be screaming in your ear right now that this was some romance scene and the two of you would realise that you were both meant for each other.

Bullshit.

And maybe you should have known better than to fixate on your very real and long-term crush on the shadowsinger because just as you wanted to roll your eyes again at the thought of Nesta and her hopeless romantic novels, your foot slipped and you squealed as you fell into the water and was thrown against the rock that Azriel was standing on.

You heard Azriel curse as he grabbed you by your shoulder and hauled you out of the water.

“Shit shit shit,” Gritting his teeth he flew you to land and lay you down gently, you were bleeding from your head and you could feel the warm liquid trickle down the side of your head. However, instead of opening your eyes, you kept them closed, it was payback time.

You could feel Azriel’s hands travel up and down your body as he scanned you for injuries. “Open your damn eyes,” He bit out, it seemed like a command but you could hear his desperation. He probably knew that you wouldn’t die from such injuries and that waiting around for a bit would allow you to wake up. But you wanted to know what he would say…if there was anything to say.

“Dammit, Y/N please, you can’t be freaking unconscious from hitting a rock and if I actually hurt you I couldn’t live with myself, so open your bloody eyes,” He begged, but Azriel noticed the slight curve in your lips that you were trying to desperately hold back, and as he connected the dots he grinned.

“Well if you are unconscious I guess you don’t mind me eating your secret stash of cookies and also telling Cassian where you like to hide your stash,” Azriel drawled and you shot up so fast as you glared at him, hard. “You tell Cassian, that thief, about MY cookies, and I will break your kneecaps and pry them off with a crowbar,” You hissed. Chuckling, Azriel stroked a hand through your

“Calm down, Little Psycho, besides, you deserve it after scaring me like that,” He teased. Your heart skipped a beat at the nickname, but you rolled your eyes as you huffed. “If anyone is the psycho, it’s you. Everyone else knows that cookies are sacred,” Looking away, that was when you realised that you were pressed up against Azriel when you had sat up from your lying down ‘knocked out’ position you had curled up subconsciously to his warmth because the water on you skin made you feel unbearably cold.

As if he had also realised it at the same time, you could have sworn Azriel’s cheeks heated as you scooted away from me, bring your knees to your chest.

You both sat in silence for a while after that, and to your surprise, Azriel was the one who broke it first.

“I have a confession to make,” You could not believe your ears, did Azriel sound….awkward? Staring at him, you made a gesture with your hand, prompting him to continue. “I…I think your my mate,” Wait. Pause. WHAT!?

And that was the exact words you yelled out as you processed what Azriel had said casually like he was telling you he had beat up someone the other day over ice cream. Sure, you would have been surprised over that, but that is not how you tell someone that you are QUITE LITERALLY THEY’RE SOULMATE.

Little did you know, you had been babbling all this out and Azriel was holding back a wild grin.

Safe to say, that afternoon ended with you chasing Azriel with a random stick you had found on the river side, before you both return to Azriel’s home, and I think you can figure out what you both did next 🙂

~*~*~*~*~

A/N: I love how my fluff fics are like...super short and then my angsty fics are long as frick

taglist: @positivewitch

[a-witches-riddle]

I gotta say it’s really crazy how much has changed for me both mentally and physically in relation to my transition in the past four years. I looked back at old stuff of mine and it was really enlightening how depressed I was, how hopeless I felt. Pre everything I hated myself, hated my life. Feelings of joy was few and far between. I treated people around me like shit because I just hated myself that bad, and felt like I didn’t deserve happiness.

Now that I’ve been on hormones for over a year now, things are so wildly different that my past self doesn’t even resemble me. I feel happier, full of love. I feel more confident in my skin, my clothes, my day to day life (when i’m not forced to dress like a drone at work). My body has changed in so many wonderful ways that I feel like I can breathe again. I feel, free. Like I can start being the person I always had the capacity to become. That I can live as the beautiful, happy, lovely woman I know I am.

And I hope that the people who haven’t transitioned yet, those still living in terrible situations, feeling like they’re being held back… Those who can’t dress or act the way they want, those without hormones or surgeries or whatever you think would make you happy… That things WILL get better. I promise you. The place you’re in is hard, beyond hard. I know. I’ve been there. But please, there IS a light at the end. You’ll look back at yourself in the future and feel like I did, that you can take pride in yourself. You deserve happiness, a future. You deserve to blossom and grow into your most beautiful self. Because you existing is magic. You being here, on this planet, with all of us, is a blessing in and of itself.

Even if nobody believes in you, trusts you, respects you for your identity. Know that I do. Know that you’re loved. I love you, and you deserve a future you want to live in.

[daysofbeingnothing]

this is going to be a rant post mainly for me myself and i… but let’s go. i just watched the last episode of jack and joker yesterday and after i finished it i got on twitter to see everyone hating on jack (and basically everywhere else but mainly twitter and tiktok) which was definitely not what i was feeling and expecting. so it made me question, did we really watch the same thing ?

so why is everyone acting like joke was the only one suffering while jack was having the time of his life this episode ? as if jack had lots of other options to choose from but turned them all down for some reason because he enjoys working for the boss and to suffer. jack is not even a high school graduate. and with the only other jobs he could do, it would take him forever to save up the money needed for his grandma’s treatment but he needs the money as fast as possible. so to his own dismay and despair he agrees to do what boss asks him to do. i don’t know if you’ve noticed but like that whole speech about poor people being unable to dream, not having the privilege to have and make choices and being in complete hopelessness because they are only barely able to survive in the realities that they have to live in and cannot break free from all that simply, also included jack too ? like the guy literally was thriving and beaming the last episode and was the happiest he has ever been during the entire show because he thought he was finally free from his debt to boss and thus could go ahead and do what he really wanted to and achieve his dream. all for everything to come crashing down on him even harder than before and for reality to show him the middle finger. last episode he was full of life again and in this episode he couldn’t even picture a future for himself. that thing he said to joke about at least one of them making it out was basically him having already given up on himself and his own salvation. he no longer sees a way out for himself. the drawing he did was not him and grandma, it was definitely joke and grandma. because now his only dream is for the people he loves to be happy. and he has to basically succumb to boss’s every wish, hang around with this rich girl who has been obsessed with him for the past five years and perceives poor people like him as some sort of exotic animal species, has to push the person that he likes away so that he is not in danger and cannot even visit the grandmother that he is trying to keep alive because of how busy he is trying to juggle all these at once. he literally got abused by being choked, witnessed this extremely discomforting game of the underground criminal elite, was so distraught by what he experienced that he was giving bodily reactions, had to go around from place to place tagging along rose like some life size doll, became a shell of a person who is absolutely empty miserable and all alone, and all you are upset about are the words jack used to remove rose’s suspicions so that she doesn’t see joker as a potential rival and the ones he used to 'purposefully’ hurt joke to push him away so that the boss doesn’t harm him ? i mean rose literally got suspicious about jack and joker’s relationship based on a three second interaction like she is kinda obsessed. and boss directly threatened jack and demanded him to break his relationship off with joke. jack is acting in desperation because he is desperate. he is certainly not having a good time. and his situation is a direct showcase of just how difficult it is to escape the vicious cycle that the extremely unjust, unfair and rigged system holds poor and powerless people captives in. every time jack tries to break himself out and like he said, dares to have hope for himself, he just gets pulled back down even deeper. 

and i know that these types of episodes are a nightmare for shippers as when you expect and want your ship to get closer they instead go back to being even further apart and make you feel frustrated. and while i also understand some of the criticism about this episode, i seriously cannot understand the jack hate train at all. like my man has not had a good day since he was probably like ten, give him a break. and what upsets me the most is how this episode literally had one of the best speeches ever written about the struggles of lower class people and it got overshadowed and ignored completely. 

[iovetecchou]

If I Can't Have You... ⧸ Jouno Saigiku

༞ Part 1. Part 2. Part 3.

Contains..! angst, hurt no comfort, toxic relationship, detailed descriptions of anxiety, confessions, regrets, slight physical abuse, happy ending (for one of them...)

GN Reader.

1,237 words.

As Jouno aimlessly walked the block, his mind reeled. The remorse was eating away at him as the seconds passed. He didn't think you would take this so hard, and as much as he hated to admit it, this was all his fault.

That unnerving feeling crept up his spine, becoming increasingly more intolerable.

He knew this was beyond repair- you were beyond repair. He had to let you go. He just had to.

The moment he reached the apartment door, Jouno froze. His hand ghosted over the doorknob. He secretly hoped that when he opened it, you would be there. The 'you' Jouno remembered and… tolerated.

As he pulled the door open, stepping through the threshold of his home, a wave of anxiety washed over him. Something that wasn't very common for Jouno.

"Oh, Saigiku… you're home already?"

You deadpanned, approaching closer to a seemingly distressed Jouno. His head was hanging low, shoulders tense.

"Y/N… I…"

His words caught in his throat. Jouno didn't want to let you go; you were his. But things couldn't go on like this.

"What is it, Saigiku?"

He struggled to swallow that lump in his throat. You used to say his name with enthusiasm. But now it sounded stale, tumbling from your lips.

"I need to let you go."

Your breath hitched, finally showing some semblance of vitality.

"But you said,"

"I know what I said. But Y/N, this has gone too far."

Your heart sank into your stomach. Jouno's words pulled you out of your funk in an instant. But something was wrong. His words didn't offer any form of relief, only more dread.

"I don't understand… I thought this was what you wanted. So what? Now you're just throwing me away? Like, like, I'm nothing?"

You took a step back from Jouno. Your voice was so frail. It felt as though you got punched in the gut. All you could do was gasp for air as the blood in your veins went frigid.

Jouno's head shot up at the sound of your tumultuous state. He took quick strides toward you as you slumped to the unforgiving hardwood floor.

"Y/N… It's not like that,"

Jouno kneeled before you. Swiping away tears you had failed to notice freckling your cheeks.

"Then what is it like, hm?"

You shout, finding your voice as the lump within your throat eased up. Your shaky hands come up to seize Jouno's, that still cradle your cheeks.

"Do not touch me."

You harshly tugged his hands down, solidifying your words. Jouno's anxiety continued to build as you rejected him. He never was on the receiving end, let alone from you.

"You're not nothing… I…"

You observed his distressed face as he desperately searched for the right words. Admitting his faults seemed more challenging than anything else.

"Y/N I lied, okay. I lied- everything I've done was to keep you by my side forever. I wanted you all to myself because I- I love you."

You shot up from your spot on the ground. Your hopelessness morphed into a blinded rage.

"Don't give me that! You don't love me- if you loved me, you would have never done this to me. I trusted you, I believed in you, I loved you! What you call love is nothing more than a means to manipulate me. Keep me right where you want me, forever. If you think that's love, I feel sorry for you."

Jouno was stagnant, mouth agape as he let your words sink in. They rattled him to the core.

He let his fears and insecurities of losing you warp into something malicious. He knew now that everything he had done to you was despicable.

But it was too late.

No amount of 'I'm sorry' could ever mend this.

"You want to let me go? Fine, so be it. But now you're the one who has to live with your choices. I hope that regret eats away at you for as long as you live."

You pulled your phone from your pocket. Calling the one person you knew could help you out of this situation.

"Wh- what are you doing? Who are you calling?"

Jouno crawled over toward you. Grabbing at your ankles as you continued your call. Refusing to waste your breath on answering his questions. Knowing he would recognize the voice coming from the other end regardless.

You tugged your legs away from Jouno's feeble grasp. You ended the call before making your way toward the bedroom. You were determined to get your things and get out as soon as possible.

"Wait! When I said I wanted to let you go, I didn't mean right now. You can't leave me just yet!"

He followed you into the bedroom like a lost puppy. All Jouno could do was listen as you grabbed a duffle, shoving all your belongings inside.

"Frankly, I don't care what you want anymore."

Your words were callous. Jouno could barely process how fast you were slipping through his fingers.

"Stop- please. I can't live without you."

Hearing Jouno's shaky voice as he sobbed out for you was startling. His desperation was something you never thought you would see, especially for your sake.

All Jouno ever did was make you feel worthless. He made you feel less than, that you weren't good enough for anyone. You were especially not good enough for Jouno, and he reminded you of that every time he could.

But now?

He's begging you not to leave, saying he can't live without you?

You felt beyond confused. You knew you needed to leave this apartment and get as far away from Jouno as humanly possible.

"You should have thought about that before you broke me down and hurt me. Time and time again. Teruko should be here soon. She'll get the rest of my things tomorrow."

Jouno grasped your shoulders with an iron grip. He halted your movements as he pleaded for you to stop.

"Please, Y/n! I know I fucked up. I'll be better, I promise. Just stay!"

You winced as his grip on you tightened further.

"Saigiku, let go of me!"

You could feel your blood vessels bursting from where the pads of his thumbs pressed into the sensitive flesh of your arms.

Even now, Jouno still tried to control you. Keep you complacent forever.

"Oi! They said let go, asshole!"

Teruko's voice sent a wave of relief through your whole being. You watched as she barged past the bedroom door, ripping Jouno's hands off you before grabbing your hand. Teruko dragged you behind her petite frame as she glared at Jouno up and down.

"Put your hands on them again, and I'll kill ya. Got that, asshole?"

Teruko solidified her threat with a swift punch to Jouno's jaw. You watched as he pathetically slumped down to the floor. He nursed his throbbing cheek as he listened to your and Teruko's footprints descend the hall.

Jouno's sobs wracked his entire being as he heard the apartment door slam shut.

You were gone for good.

No longer would Jouno hear your laughter or your heartbeat quicken as you read an excerpt from your favorite book.

He will never taste your magnificent meals again nor be greeted by you each night after a long day.

The reality of the situation caused aversion to course through his veins.

He would never see you again.

Jouno had to live with the fact that this was all his fault.

You reap what you sow after all, huh?

woohooo full circle! jouno got what was coming to him btw... hope you all enjoyed this series! thank you all so much for supporting me up til this point! xoxox

taglist: @samicamy-13 @anya-lautner @deadflycomputerlogs @mizu-san @canrdsf @keiaoi811 @budijojo @jdksnxks-hsbs

[quinngefail]

Just some Saw related ramblings. Not in-universe stuff, but recalling Life Experiences with it lmao

Okay so uh I had known about the way the first movie ended years before I actually watched it. I was very much a case of 'my parents won't let me watch horror movies because I'm too young, but I've been obsessed with horror for as long as I can remember, so I'm gonna go down to the basement where we keep The Scary Movies and just read what's on the DVD cover + get scared by the pictures on them, and then also go on imdb and read the entire plot, spoilers and all'

There were a lot of movies that were like that for me lol. But uh I think as far back as my early teens I knew about the ending sequence specifically with Adam being left to rot in the bathroom and the fucking face he makes as he's screaming for his life and god. That shit still gives me this horrible dread to this day, I fuckin hate it

Genuinely his fate (just looking at the first movie here) is one of my biggest fears lmao. Being permanently trapped in this absolutely hopeless, fucked situation where all you can do is slowly and painfully die just MAKES ME FEEL QUITE SICK TO MY STOMACH, MAN

Another Incident I have with this was like. I was 13-14 or so? And my dad was watching Alien vs. Predator and I was just kinda sat back in the kitchen watching it too. And there's this part where the temple they're in starts shifting and shit, and as a result this guy falls into another section of the place. And all he can do is scream as he's closed into pitch black, and OTHER CHARACTERS WATCH IT HAPPEN AND THEY'RE SCREAMING BACK AT HIM AND REACHING FOR HIM EVEN THOUGH THEY'RE TOO FAR AWAY TO HAVE EVER ACTUALLY GOTTEN HIM OUT OF THERE LIKE. DOG,

I can just so vividly recall myself fuckin sitting there after that little moment happened and like. I was like rooted on the spot just sitting there in horror HRKSLGLKSK..,.., And y’know needless to say it still fucks me up to this day, I got a damn pit of anxiety right now writing this shit up 😩😩😩

Then like at least a year later we had stopped at a Walmart to grab food for a cabin trip, and my dad wanted to get a movie to watch that weekend. And of course he finds AvP and wanted to buy it. But my ass was pulling literally any excuse in the book to dissuade him without having to say THAT MOVIE FUCKED ME UP, DAD. because y’know my epic little 15 year old brain was like THAT WOULD BE EMBARRASSING TO ADMIT. We didn't end up buying it and I was just like I LIVE ANOTHER DAY 🙏

And I also have never done a full rewatch of that movie 😌 which y’know I've heard that I'm not exactly missing much. But it's just like YEA I'M GOOD. 👍 THANKS

So uh. Being forever stuck in a space and slowly dying. Don't like it. Not a fan. Absolutely not

[bottomless-pit-of-whining]

So here's a thing I wish I could put on my main blog, or post on my Facebook, but I think all it would do is make me feel even more miserable and alone.

So, I consider myself Jewish and always have. That's my cultural and ethnic heritage on my dad's side of the family, the only family I grew up with. Yes, patrilineal, but I'm still Jewish. My dad's grandparents fled pogroms in Ukraine and came to the US as deeply traumatized people seeking survival. You can see the repercussions of that recent history in the generations that followed them. For the past few years, I've been actively working to find my place in that history and that heritage, because it's a part of who I am and who I will always be, and I want to be able to be part of it in return. That's my personal context.

When a terrorist group murdered and kidnapped a bunch of civilians last October, I was horrified. When a far-right extremist government retaliated by slaughtering an unthinkable number of civilians, I was horrified. I contacted my own politicians, I donated what money I could spare, I wept at the nightmare that was playing out.

I continue to be horrified as the inhumanity continues, at the sheer scale of tragedy and terror. I wish I had any power to stop it, and I do the small things I can to try to help alleviate suffering.

But you know what else has horrified me? The way my so-called allies, the leftists, the social justice warriors, have responded. I'm lucky that I could grow up without hate being thrown my direction (perhaps because people where I grew up did not know I was Jewish despite my very Jewish last name), but I am aware of what Jew-hate looks like. And I have been seeing people I thought I could trust now wallowing in variations of centuries-old hatred without questioning it, believing outright lies that can be easily disproven with even the most superficial fact-checking, listening to people who wish to do harm, and reducing a complex situation to the stark black-and-white, good-versus-evil conflict from a bad young adult novel.

I'm still going to hope for peace. I'm still trying to contribute what I can to help victims of violence and war.

But, speaking frankly, I don't trust a lot of people anymore and I probably never will. There is no place for me in leftist social justice communities.

I don't know why people have hated Jews for so long, except that I suppose it feels good to have someone else to blame your problems on. But people really truly do hate Jews, and they really truly have for a very long time with unthinkably tragic consequences, and there are modern groups who are absolutely thrilled to be able to bring newcomers into their circles of Jew-hate in the guise of fighting for justice.

And so many of the people I thought were my friends are following them into it without a second thought.

I am disappointed. I am betrayed. I am hopeless.

And I guess I'm pretty damn alone, because I am sure as hell not going to align myself with people whose values are in opposition to my own just because the leftists are also showing their hate.

It breaks my heart.

I'm posting this on my secret sideblog because, I don't know, I've been reading Jumblr for months now and it often helps me feel less alone and I suppose I am reaching out a hand asking if anyone else will be willing to take my hand and tell me I am not alone.

We are not a monolith, I know some of you feel differently from me in either direction, but I know at least some of you feel like I do and even those of you who don't fully align with me will still not smear me with hatred.

Tomorrow I am going to my first ever Rosh Hashanah service and I have been doing my best to prepare and I want to be proud, I want to be joyful, I want to embrace hope for a brighter new year and I want to shout to the rooftops that my people are beautiful and our traditions are beautiful and isn't it wonderful that I am able to step back where I belong among them, but instead I want to weep.

[fairycosmos]

i’m going to kill myself tonight but i wanted to say i’ve always loved your blog and your my favourite tumblr person :)

hey, not sure if anything i can say can change your mind but please please consider calling a hotline or reaching out to a friend/family member if that's an option. i won't pretend i know the type of pain you're in, or much about the situation you're in, and i hope this doesn't come across as me saying it's easy to keep going because it's absolutely not. whether you're feeling numb, whether your thoughts are totally chaotic. it's a type of hell either way. i know things are unbearably painful so much of the time. you deserve so much better and i just don't think doing this is going to give you that. i'm not trained in all the right and wrong things to say to someone who's going through this and i know that when i'm in this place myself, there's very little anyone can do or say to get me out of it. but i do come out of it. even if i'm not happy, the pressing urge to harm myself is so strong that by its own nature it's unsustainable. it's the hardest thing in the world to bear it and i'm so sorry you're going through it. it's so fucking exhausting. and at the same time it always somewhat dies down and there is always another day to try again.

please, please get yourself to a physically safe space. if you need to cry, break down, sleep for 72 hours, take a shower, eat something, put your face in cold water, rip up a million pieces of paper to get the rage out - it's okay. whatever you need is okay. you don't have to think about what you're going to do tomorrow or next week or next month or in the next 5 years. you just have to focus on getting through today, minute by minute. if that feels like too much, second by second. and you can keep breaking it down like that until it stops feeling like some insurmountable mountain. i know words are not enough to change anything about how much despair and hopelessness you're feeling in this moment. i just want you to attempt to treat yourself the way you'd treat a friend going through something like this. even just for the next 30 minutes. i'm going to leave some resources linked below that have helped me when i've been in a similar spot. they're not solutions and they're not cures. they're just going to allow you to see other perspectives beyond your suicidality. you are so, so worth that. please reach out to a loved one, the authorities or a hotline if you can. it is not going to be as scary as your mind is building it up to be. i would seriously hate to think of you doing something to harm yourself. you have a right to feel how you feel, but you don’t have to give these thoughts the power to actually dictate your reality. i'm really, really glad you're alive and i genuinely hope you're able to get to the point where you are too. you're the one who can really bring yourself back from the edge. what happens next is all in your hands, not in the grip of your negative thoughts, urges, or feelings. please, please do what you know is right for your safety and wellbeing. even if it's the hardest choice in the world to make. please, please stick around for today at the very least. just focus on getting through the now, no matter how unbearable. that's more than good enough, and it's all anyone can ask of you. i'm sending you so, so much love.

international suicide hotlines / guidance for creating a safety plan / coping with suicidal thoughts pdf / download a how to cope factsheet / coping with suicidal thoughts right now / 10+ coping skills worksheets for adults / the coping skills toolbox / how do you stop suicidal thoughts?