#I was like that because I was in a hopeless situation and hated myself and hated everyone else

[blitzwhore]

Stolas just standing there and letting blitz hug him in the end is all good, right? He is just sad because of octavia and accepting that blitz is there with him right?? It's not that he regrets chosing him, right??? (I just need affirmation)

You know what? I've found myself needing reassurance about this too. So let's take a moment to look at the facts together, shall we?

(This reply turned out way longer than I expected it to 😅 sorry!)

Fact #1 - Stolas is still coming to terms with the consequences of his actions. He spends the whole episode finding out just how much his life has changed. Learning how to navigate groceries, and laundry, and meals, and having a job, and worrying about money.

Mid-episode, he has a breakdown where he truly questions if everything he gave up was worth it just for a fantasy. At this point in the episode, he still hasn't realised how much he means to Blitz. As far as he's concerned, he did all of this for someone who doesn't reciprocate his feelings. By the end of the episode, though, his feelings have settled enough for him to express what he has known to be true all along: that saving Blitz was the right thing to do.

What Stolas regrets isn't saving Blitz's life, or even loving Blitz in the first place.

What he regrets are the choices he made that led them to this. He feels guilty for selfishly (or, rather, naively) playing out his fantasies. He's the one who established the deal, who let Blitz illegally use the book for many months, who wasn't always sensible about how he expressed his love for Blitz publicly and despite being married, and who allowed himself to ignore the reality of his situation so he could live in his own, personal romcom—all of which ultimately led to the events of Mastermind and the loss of Via.

And all the guilt and regret he's grappling with (however justified it might be) is exacerbated by fact #2, which is:

Fact #2 - Stolas is off his medication. He's been off it for a month now. Symptoms of depression (especially untreated depression) include mood swings, irritability, self-hatred and low self-esteem, passive/active suicidal ideation, pessimism and hopelessness about the future, catastrophising, black-and-white thinking, and anhedonia (inability to feel pleasure and to find joy in things—and people—who used to bring you it). All symptoms Stolas exhibits throughout this episode.

So, even if he shows a lack of emotion toward Blitz at times, or irritation to seemingly minor things like low doors or "secretating" or Karen's behaviour, even if he acts regretful and angry and desolate... a lot of these emotions and behaviours are a result of his depression, and not of actually hating the life he chose.

Fact #3 - Stolas loves Blitz. He always has, and always will. I could point at a thousand different moments in the show when Stolas' love for Blitz has transpired, but I'm going to leave it at his line from Mastermind: "I would rather be dead than live life without you by my side."

Even after everything they've gone through, even now that he's taken Blitz off his pedestal and can acknowledge that Blitz can be a fucking idiot... Stolas simply does not want to live a life without Blitz. It has always been Blitz. It will always be Blitz.

Stolas loves Blitz.

Fact #4 - Stolas kissed Blitz. Before he truly hits rock bottom as a result of Octavia cutting him out, Stolas is so ecstatic that Blitz cares, that Blitz was willing to go to such lengths to save his life, that he can't hold back the need to kiss Blitz mid-air. Suddenly, none of his earlier frustration matters. Nothing matters expect for how elated he is that Blitz loves him back. So he smiles and he pulls Blitz into a kiss because he can't bear not to kiss Blitz for a moment longer.

Look at this man. Look at how happy he is. Because it's always been Blitz, and maybe it was a fantasy for a long time, but it doesn't have to be anymore. Maybe this can be real now. He's so happy he (and I) could cry.

Fact #5 - Stolas didn't deny loving Blitz. When Via said "You don't love me, you love him," the script very purposefully did not have Stolas go "no, no, Via, that's not true—" or say anything else that might make Blitz doubt, even for a moment, that Stolas loves him. Because that much is true. He does love Blitz. He just also loves Via. Which brings me to:

Fact #6 - Blitz knows Stolas loves him. At no point throughout the episode does Blitz doubt, even for a second, that Stolas loves him. And we know this because Blitz's walls remain down at all times. If Blitz doubted he was loved, if he had even the slightest of reservations, those walls would come crawling back up whether he wanted them to or not. It's what he's been trained and conditioned to do—it's how he's kept his heart safe ever since the accident.

But now, he knows his heart is safe with Stolas. He believes it enough to not depend on his walls to feel at ease. He believes it enough to let himself take care of Stolas and be soft with Stolas without the slightest trace of hesitation.

Look at Blitz's face. This is the face of a man who knows that even if Stolas isn't okay right now, things will get better. And when they do, they'll both still be in love with each other. This is the face of a man who can't wait for something beautiful to flourish between them, but who is in no rush to get there. He knows the road ahead is hard and painful, but he has faith in Stolas. In both of them.

Fact #6 - Stolas was happy to share a private, romantic dance with Blitz. Despite everything going through his mind, he found comfort and happiness in dancing with Blitz; in getting to have this little moment with him.

He found relief in the fact that Blitz stayed with him this time, even after Stolas told him, once again, that he didn't have to stay.

His reaction to Blitz initiating a dance between them is genuine surprise, immediately followed by an enamoured little smile at the mere notion that he gets to have this, now.

And, as they dance, he keeps smiling and leaning into Blitz, going as far as to manage a deep, heartfelt laugh at Blitz's words. This, for an unmedicated, depressed person going through one of the worst days of his life, is huge in itself. It shows that, even in the worst of times, he finds undeniable comfort and happiness in Blitz.

And, after their dance, Stolas looks at Blitz with a sobriety and soft sort of realisation that shows he's finally coming to terms with the fact that this is real. After everything he's lost, after all the fantasies he hoped for for so long and believed he'd never have, he finally gets to have this.

Despite the pain he's going through, Stolas looks at Blitz and sees the man he loves.

Notice how Blitz's eyes trail down to Stolas' mouth. And Stolas realises. And doesn't move away. Waiting, expectantly, for Blitz's next move, fully expecting it to be a kiss.

But then Blitz hugs him instead, and Stolas doesn't hug back.

And it's not because he doesn't want to be hugged by Blitz. It's not because his feelings for Blitz have changed, or dimmed, or disappeared. It's not because he regrets loving Blitz, or saving him. It's not because he doesn't want to have a close, healthy, loving romantic relationship with Blitz.

It's because of facts #1 (he's grappling with so much guilt and coming to terms with the consequences of his actions) and #2 (he's experiencing symptoms of unmedicated depression). And, above all, it's because of fact #7, which is...

Fact #7 - Stolas doesn't know how to be loved. Stolas has never had support. He has never had a shoulder to cry on, or someone to hold him when he needed it. When he's feeling vulnerable and broken, he defaults to hugging himself as a way to self-soothe, because that's the only comfort he's ever known.

And because he's never known comfort from others—because it was never allowed or safe for him to need or ask for comfort from others—all Stolas knows to do with his vulnerability is hide it. So much so that, the two times we see him begin to break down in front of Blitz before this episode, he either portals Blitz away or masks his tears and pain immediately. Even as he drunkenly rambles about wanting to be held, he still makes sure not to appear like he actually needs a hug.

So when he finds himself being held by Blitz in a warm, comforting hug, Stolas doesn't know how to respond. Because he's never had this. He's never had an opportunity to learn how to exist in someone's comforting embrace, how to interact with this kind of physical contact. He still has to learn how to feel safe between arms that aren't his own.

Simply put, Stolas still doesn't know how to hold Blitz back.

That doesn't mean Stolas doesn't want or need physical comfort. He needs it desperately—everyone does. But wanting something and knowing how to actually have it are two very different things, and Blitz knows that better than anyone, because he's wanted Stolas for a very long time, but didn't, until very recently, know how to feel safe accepting Stolas' love.

And that's why Blitz is completely understanding of the fact that all Stolas can do, all Stolas has the ability to do, is stand there and let himself be held, and let his emotions go through him. In, and out, with every breath, with every second. And get slowly acquainted with what being comforted by the person he loves feels like.

Thirty-something years of trauma can't be undone in a single hug, or a single conversation, and it's going to take time for Stolas to learn how to be present while in Blitz's arms, and how to return that emotional closeness.

But Blitz has faith in him. Blitz is willing to be patient and soft with him while he gets better. Blitz is ready to meet Stolas where he's at, because he knows, beyond a trace of doubt, that they love one another, and they're going to be okay. Even if Stolas doesn't know it yet—even if we, the audience don't know it yet—Blitz knows.

And that's just going to have to be enough for now.

And because this post got completely away from me, I shall conclude by quoting their song, because it summarises their story better than I ever could:

Truer love is hard to find. ❤️

[canisalbus]

Hi! A little life update.

At the end of October I wrote that I was deep in a depression spiral and due to unexpected occurrences I had been left with basically no income for several months. I had emptied my savings at that point and was feeling extremely stressed, sick and hopeless.

I just want to thank everyone who reached out and offered support or even looked up my ko-fi info and sent me a donation. It was an unfathomably kind thing to do and helped me tremendously. I'm not exaggerating when I say that I was at the end of my tether, I had 1,70€ in my bank account at that moment. I was sleeping four hours per night on average because my insomnia was so out of control, and had more or less stopped eating, after surviving on nothing but porridge, bread, apples and buttered pasta for close to a month. Things were kind of dire. No one has ever showed me that kind of unprompted generosity before, irl or online. Thinking that people I've never even met were willing to support me like that both warms my heart and makes me feel kind of guilty and undeserving. I'm not used to being treated like that. I hope I didn't make you feel pressured to get involved. It did genuinely help me put myself back together though. The next day I went and bought some essential groceries and getting to eat properly was a massive boost in terms of energy and mood. I'm doing a little better now. I finally managed to get the financial situation corrected, but it'll take months before my finances recover and I'll be able to go shopping without feeling paranoid about counting every cent and hating myself if I buy a small treat. I mentioned that my seven years old, well-served laptop is on it's last legs, so the remaining funds are going towards putting together a new PC, hopefully soon. I don't really have any product or extra content to offer you as a thank you for the ko-fi donations I received, but I hope it's at least nice to think that they're directly enabling me to continue making more art in the future.

I'm still struggling with intense anxiety every day, and it has caused me to develope some kind of impostor syndrome that is impacting my online presence negatively at the moment. I look at the things I try to draw and the asks I get, and feel like nothing I create, say or write is good enough or worth people's time and attention. I'm having hard time opening up like I used to, and I miss the interactions I used to have here, they were an immense source of inspiration and motivation to me. But I'm trying to work on that, and hoping that posting stuff will start to feel more natural again eventually. This got a little long, but thanks for reading! I hope life treats you well.

[so-i-did-this-thing]

I’m 18, and admittedly there’s no real hope for me transitioning until I’m in my 30s ( education, family, finance- stuff like that ). It leaves me feeling kind of hopeless a lot of the times- I don’t have the energy to be ambitious or to feel good about my future because, even optimistically, it’s another six-seven years of hell waiting for me. Existing is hard. Can’t date, can’t leave the house without wearing a jacket, can’t look in the mirror too long. At least my dysphoria doesn’t drive me to suicide, but it’s drained me in every other way possible.

So, thank you for existing. I burst into tears today when I saw your profile. Thank you for reminding me that this…isn’t my forever. I just need to pull through. Joy is waiting on the other side.

Hey, Anon. Sounds like you have a bachelors + advanced degree lined up? I hate that college is so fraught for young trans people right now, when it should be your chance to start expressing some personal freedom.

A lot can change in just a few years, and change for the better can happen faster if you plan what you can now. Part of my transition stalled simply because I was just waiting for something Good to happen to me, instead of making it happen. (Working on job skills, being responsible with my money, meeting other queer people, etc.)

If you *are* to be stuck in Limbo for a while, please don't fall back on "at least I'm not suicidal" when evaluating your mental health. I did this for 13 years, and so much of me broke down under the weight of that inertia -- my family hoarding triggered and my depression got so bad, I nearly became homeless.

If it helps, here's a timeline of my own journey:

4: knew I was a boy

20: tried to come out, didn't go well, went back in the closet

21: too depressed for grad school for my music degree, went to tech school and fell into a stagnant web career

27: dad died, stress made a lot of my mental issues worse

30: near rock-bottom, got fired from work, nearly lost my house, living below poverty line, drained retirement, credit score probably like 300, I couldn't even get a secured credit card, new BFF started abusing me

31: started dating (never went well), too poor to fix AC, power frequently shut off, hoard starting to block rooms

33: almost out of money, started HRT, lost a lot of music gigs, stuck in payday loan hell

34: found steady employment again tho at a toxic web shop, $45k/year, cleaned up my hoard for the first time

36: met my partner, lost my virginity, started hanging out with queer people

37: got AC fixed, slowly started improving home, stopped being stealth, partner moved in with me

38: told abuser to fuck off

40: got top surgery, caught up on back taxes w/the IRS, able to secure credit again

41: got out of a toxic job industry, free from payday loans, started making $80k/year in a new field

41: got married to my partner, hoard pretty under control now

45: broke 6 figures for my salary

46: left Florida, bought a house

47: got a promotion to a senior role, hit 800 credit score, home is clean and organized (except for some stalled unpacking, I'll get there...), working on rebuilding my retirement

It was really around age 37 where I made a concerted effort to plan my way out of my shitty living situation. It's also when I really embraced being queer. I wish I had managed it earlier, but I was a goddamned mess and hid a lot from my family & friends. And I didn't know how to energize myself when things felt bleak.

So, please avoid my mistakes by taking efforts to set a higher bar for your mood. Get outside in nature, make things with your hands, consume and spread queer art, try to find safe outlets for expressing and exploring your gender, and above all, create a network where you can safely vent and have folks take care of you when you need help. Stoicism goes toxic far too quickly - you're going to need to cry *and* become a shoulder to cry upon.

And then pick yourself back up and continue with your plan towards joy. I believe in you - I don't think it'll be as long as it appears. <3

[stellaluna33]

Heyyyy, I'm back with more messy, nuanced meta that nobody asked for and will probably just piss people off again, but whatever, I can't help myself, apparently.

I want to start out by saying that, concerning Luke and Jess's fight in S4 over whether Luke kicked Jess out or Jess "got himself kicked out," I am more on Jess's "side" here. But I have this irritating need to see things from other people's perspectives and figure out why they do the things they do. Luke is acting like Jess wronged him by leaving without a goodbye and never contacting him, and insists that Jess got himself kicked out. I see Luke as a generally good and straightforward man who is not usually INTENTIONALLY manipulative, but he is, despite the façade of taciturn practicality, a VERY emotional man who feels things VERY strongly, so I think he must FEEL like this is true. So, why does Luke FEEL like Jess abandoned and discarded him when Luke was objectively the one who told Jess to leave in the first place? One of the things Luke keeps bringing up is the "agreement" they made way back at the end of S2, when Jess said he "wanted to come back" and live with Luke again, and during the fight when Luke does kick Jess out it seems clear that Luke does not understand the way Jess's situation spun out of control. The situation from his point of view was that Jess COULD HAVE honored the agreement (if he CARED), but CHOSE not to because he DID NOT CARE. And no longer cared about Luke PERSONALLY. That's how he sees it. It's not TRUE, but that's how it looks TO HIM.

Luke does SOOOO many things that he does not want to do out of a sense of duty towards the people he cares about. His parents both got sick and died when he was fairly young, and he was the one holding things together, trying to hold his little sister together, and he didn't WANT to do ANY of that. But he DID because he CARED. Luke does not seem to understand that he and Jess are, despite their similarities, very different. Their situations have been very different and their personalities are not the same. This is emphasized AGAIN during these same episodes when Liz arrives. Luke expects Jess to do exactly what HE has always done and to play the same role (man up and manage Liz as best "we" can, because that's "our" job) and he cannot see that Jess's relationship with his mom is (and indeed HAS to be) very different from his. Jess didn't WANT to go to school. Fine. Who does? (Only freaks like Rory, that's who) But Luke had ASKED him to, and Jess AGREED (way way back), so Jess neglecting to do his duty means, in Luke's mind, that he DIDN'T CARE about HIM.

And the most obvious difference Luke DOES see between Jess and himself is that Jess is SMART, like Book Smart, in a way that he himself never was. Jess is ALWAYS reading and always "studying" SOMETHING- he burns with insatiable curiosity- and so the obvious conclusion to why a kid like that flunked out of school (as so many ADHD kids have heard so many times...) is that he "just wasn't trying hard enough," and the obvious reason WHY he wasn't trying hard enough is that he just DIDN'T CARE, and Jess's defiance about the situation didn't help. Jess's defiance was just him clinging desperately to the edge of "this is fine" while his life was going up in flames around him, but Luke didn't know that!

I really do think that, when Luke told Jess he "had to go" when he refused to go back to school, Luke assumed/hoped that his ultimatum would "scare him straight." The idea would be that Jess presumably (hopefully) liked living with Luke (loved Luke) more than he hated going to school, or at least liked living with Luke (loved Luke) more than he hated the idea of being homeless, but that's not how it worked out. Luke did not understand how desperate and hopeless Jess was feeling, and so do you know what LUKE thought had happened? Luke FELT like Jess would RATHER be homeless than live with him. THIS is why Luke jeers about Jess's living conditions in his squalid New York apartment. Because he TRULY FEELS like Jess would RATHER live in squalor than live with him. "You hate me that much?" Luke really does think that Jess hates him that much, and it HURTS him to think that. (He is SO WRONG about ALL of this, but this is GENUINELY how he FEELS, and this is why it's such a tragedy.)

The final ingredient in all this is Time. "Time heals all wounds," they say, but that's only true if the wound isn't infected, and this one IS. Luke has been festering in this hurt for MONTHS by this point. He may have started with "I failed him," but after the initial shock and dismay wore off, he's been dwelling over and over on all the things he interprets as Jess NOT CARING and rejecting all of the love and care Luke thought he was clearly offering. It's like he's been picking at it, so by the time Jess comes back, the wound is WORSE than fresh: it's angry and swollen and red, and sensitive to the very slightest touch (and Jess is the same).

Anyway, this is why I think the "I'm here, Jess. I'm always here," was SO important. Because he needed to SAY IT! They BOTH needed to outright say it! Because they both THOUGHT the way they felt was "so obvious" to the other one, but it wasn't, and that was a big part of the reason why it got so bad between them in the first place. They both needed to hear the other one say that they were WANTED, and that's why it's a satisfying conclusion to me, despite the way Luke had previously messed up. He always meant it, even when he made Jess feel like he didn't (just like Jess always appreciated Luke, even when he made Luke feel like he didn't).

"This is an explanation, not an excuse." Please do not take this as me saying "Luke did nothing wrong!" He did SO much wrong, not only at this point, but in everything that led up to it, haha. But I also think that his actions made sense TO HIM. SO MANY fights between family members (and humans in general) are like this. Families are messy, people are messy, LIFE is messy. Both Luke and Jess are very messy, but I love them a lot and, more importantly, they love each other a lot too.

[venusandsaturnsrings]

The school year finally ended... I hate college SO much :( but I am alive!! I beg for some crumbs of thoughts on Sunday... -chubby darling anon who is very much alive and finally got a mitsuri scale figure <3

putting all of my other fics, blurbs, and asks on PAUSE for this!! congrats!! no more school foorrr… 3ish months!! after dropping out of uni, i’ve been finally considering going back myself for phlebotomy!! canadas health situation is lack lustre rn and the course is less than one year + paid practicum + immediate job placement which is kinda sweet… CONGRATS ON THE FIGURE TOO!! i recently (like a month and a half ago) procured the hatsune miku jirai kei subculture fashion figure and i cannot stress how pretty she is <3 sits on my pc right now bc my shelves are full… ANYWAYS… love you!!

includes: silly sunday hcs, potential story spoilers, maybe ooc im still feeling him out, praise, degradation, riding crops, his hands…, and gender neutral reader!!

very poignantly the hopeless romantic type. he’s always functioned as a ‘singularity’ of sorts and over the years developed a certain fondness of it, even if it hurts. it’s worth noting he vividly reminds me of the line ‘i miss the comfort in being sad,’ from nirvanas ‘Frances Farmer Will Have Her Revenge on Seattle.’ he’s the type of partner to always be stuck in that self-absorbed martyr mindset a little bit.

pragmatic to a fault. Sunday is deeply a skeptic, take his departure from the harmony in favour of the order, as an example. it’s cool because it means you’ll never have to worry about any technicalities but it also means he has a hard time letting go of control or being spontaneous.

very into more subtle romantic gestures and an absolute gentleman. you’ll have flowers at your door at least once a week and he makes sure to take all of your preferences into consideration when planning dates (he will be the one planning). keeps his hand on your lower back most of the time, the waist is far too scandalous!!

not a big texter. he prefers speaking face to face and will call if he can’t come see you. that said, he’ll make sure to like or respond to all of the silly pictures and messages you send, even if it’s a dry ‘haha’ or just a heart. occasionally, you’ll find that he’s sent you a letter, ask about and he’ll shrug and say he simply wanted something more heartfelt if he’s to communicate written. he’s got a special stamp to seal the ones he sends you.

grabs your phone when you go to show him something. no explanation i just feel it in my bones.

although he’s no singer, he’s still a classically trained musician. i imagine he was taught the violin but went on to learn his preferred instrument, the harp, himself. he’s a bit shy about playing so rather than asking, just wait until he thinks it’s late and you’re not around to hear; he’s got quite the set of fingers.

…speaking of fingers, my bread and butter, he’s beyond skilled with playing you. while he enjoys getting down to business, getting to leisurely spread you open and thrum against all your nerves gets him going. could spend hours having you laid out, in his lap, on the floor, wherever, just gently coaxing you open, wet, and pliant for himself.

off of that, he likes you best worn down to soft edges and weak desperation. getting to play the saviour, making you come undone, has him stiff in his pants.

lots of sweet praise and subtle degradation. things like, “you want to be good for me, don’t you my sweet?,” or, “now, now, don’t get greedy on me. be patient, silly thing, and i’ll appease all of your foolish whims,” annddd, “come now, you’ve been so well for me, angel, don’t ruin that with any useless whines.”

he’s not one for being too harsh against you but push the right buttons and you’ll get a ‘dumb’ or ‘stupid’ here and there. Sunday doesn’t curse but he knows his way around how to make you feel inferior and looked down upon.

he likes the power play of staying fully and pristinely clothed while your completely nude, save for maybe a pretty collar he’s got you belled with. if you’re real trouble, say maybe a no good criminal causing problems on Penacony and once arrested you’re at his disposal and oh so pretty, he’ll find a nice muzzle to fix you with.

strikes, no pun intended, me as the type to have an affinity for riding crops over anything else for punishments. you’ll get the same sugarcoated degradation while he comments on how you’re not even good enough to be so close to his gloved hand that he just must use the crop!! (he likes the pretty bruises it leaves).

[theconstitutionisgayculture]

Gonna be real, I've fallen down the WEF rabbit hole and it's really ruining my outlook on life. I know you've gotten some dramatic asks before (and I hate to be one of them), but I'm essentially asking if I should end myself or not (even if that's their plan for most of humanity anyway). It sounds so much like dystopian fiction that it's ridiculous, except it actually exists. I get that all we can do is speculate about the future based on what they've said directly, but everyone is defaulting to the worst stuff imaginable because of how scary these people are and it just seems hopeless since it seems inevitable no matter who's in office. I feel really stupid even sending this, but yeah. I'm kinda losing my mind.

Dude, no. Don't kill yourself. Especially not over a plan that's already failing. Agenda 2030 is already massively behind schedule, and it's more likely that Europe is going to explode into civil war before the WEF and co will ever take over the way they want. The problem with massive conspiracies to take over the world is that they're all carried out by flawed humans. The other problem is that all the predictive abilities and money and control in the world can't engineer perfect outcomes in all situations. George Soros has been working his whole life to destroy the west and rebuild it in his image and the best he's done is temporarily engineer a refugee/migrant crisis and spawn massive opposition to his agendas in nearly every western country in the world. The United States, and parts of Europe, are bucking the decades long trend towards leftward drift and heading towards the right at least partly because the globalists have overplayed their hands and lost control of their grand plans. Israel is strong despite their best efforts, the middle east is slowly westernizing with their own power bases not beholden to the WEF and co, China is going off script and coming close to provoking a war with the US, Trump is shaking the whole world up, people are waking up and rejecting leftism and globalism all over. I'm not going to try and say all the problems in the world are going to go away, or that all of the things ruining the WEF plan are good, but Soros, Schwab, and the like aren't going to rule the world any time soon. Probably not ever.

My advice is to not fall down conspiracy rabbit holes. Even when they're right about the conspiracy, they tend to overestimate, sometimes massively, its reach and successes. The most successful conspiracy of the last decade was the covid cover up, and that barely lasted two years before it was blown completely open and none of the long term goals were accomplished.

We're not going to eat the bugs. We're not going to own nothing and be happy. We're not going to outsource our lives to Eurotard oligarchs. If you let these people drive you to despair, then they win. If you live despite their attempts to stamp out free will and individuality, you're telling them to go fuck themselves. So live, and stick a middle finger towards Europe every once and a while. It feels good, trust me.

[bsverryin]

: ̗̀➛ Sending genshin men the wrong message.

part 1

Who?

╰┈➤ Ayato, diluc , alhaitham

situation?

╰┈➤ you sent the wrong message to your boss which was supposed to be for your brother.

✎ this is an au (diluc still has the wine Business)!! Characters is your boss who likes you secretly. ⚠️ Use of cuss words... I'm trying my best to make them character like so be nice jk <3 they are just my genshin top 3 so I made this then I can also read it myself 😭 anyways enjoy <3 cannot assure you of perfect grammar !! I like to keep it simple

: ̗̀➛ AYATO

You accidentally sent those to Ayato, your boss because you kept thinking about him and how you hate his strict side. He doesn't smile and he always looks mad whenever you don't finish on time, it was his fault for giving you so much work. If there's a time where he's good to you it's the time when you finish all the work that he assigned for you to do fast. The next day after that, he'll assign you more and more and it gets annoying knowing you have to work overtime again.

You sent it accidentally because, you weren't focused enough. You are focused trying to guess the time what time you can come home. The first person on your chats list was always your brother so you just got used to it and clicked it without looking. Now you're standing there, in his office expecting him to scream and fire you after sending him such ridiculous messages.

"So..Y/N did I really assign you a ton of work?" It was the first thing he said before firing you, or that's what you thought.

You shook your head.

"No, sir. It's not that..it's just umm, my girl days are acting up I didn't mean those I'm sorry! It won't happen again. I promise."

It was a lie but you were desperate. You didn't want to lose this job because it would be too hard to find another.

"Girl days? You could simply tell me if I'm giving you too much work, I can work on that and I understand if you're tired, but you didn't have to-" He was cutted of by you apologizing to him.

"No it's not that! I'm really sorry. I apologize. I'll take the consequences of my reckless actions." You said as you bowed to him to show your sincerity.

You took the consequences of your actions, it was just your boss giving you work but your work gets easier and less time by time, you didn't understand why of course but people are gossiping about how your boss likes you which you didn't believe at first but he becomes more gentle and gentle to you. You fell for him and when you started dating him, you found out your boss likes you for so long and was actually hurt by the wrong messages you sent, but it's alright now because you kept kissing him and telling him how much you love him.

: ̗̀➛ DILUC

When you saw that reply from Diluc, your boss. You really tried to run away and hide yourself forever. You're using your phone while working? He'll probably scream at you and fire you. That's what you thought. The only reason why you sent that message to him instead of your brother was because you're WORKING. You had to focus on making a drink first while using your phone, it wasn't allowed when your boss was there and one day he just wasn't and you thought it's okay for you to do that.

That's why, it happened. You thought your job was over and you can't do anything about it. Just by thinking what your boss would do to you when you meet him the next day scares the shit of you, well you did compliment him so you hope he'll let it slide but at the same time you also said that it was a loss. You had to go to the tavern, sleepless who looks hopeless at the same time, now you're just standing in front of your boss, diluc while he's at his chair looking really fresh and cool.

"Care to explain?, Y/N" He said, he wasn't looking at you. He's doing his work while waiting for you to speak for yourself.

"I won't do it again, it's really wrong for me to speak bad things about you when you're the one who's helping me to earn money, I'm really sorry. Sir." You said as you bowed to him, when you tried to look at him, he looked confused and stressed by just what you said.

"I'm not talking about that, Y/N. I'm telling you to explain why were you using your phone while doing your work? It's forbidden, you know that right?" Now you felt more embarrassed than you did before. You apologized for speaking bad about him but not using your phone in the middle of your work.

"It was reckless behavior that I did, sir. I'm really sorry. I won't do it ever again. I will do everything I can to assure you that."

He didn't fire you and just told you to do your work, however you couldn't focus for months because of what you did. Diluc was the one who REALLY assured you that it's fine just don't do it again. He's straight up being sweet towards you. You didn't think about it at first but you completely fell in love with him. You may have told him that you loved him when you were drunk and magically out of nowhere, you both started dating after getting drunk that night.

: ̗̀➛ ALHAITHAM

Alhaitham was flabbergasted when you sent those messages and the fact that you didn't realize it because you're that BUSY typing was something else. You just didn't mind it and waited for your iced coffee that was paid by your brother patiently, I mean you always ask your brother to deliver coffee to you so he knows what to do so you just continued your work like nothing.

How did you realize it, you ask? It was when your iced coffee was delivered by your co-workers saying that it was for you, and when you're about to thank your brother through chats you realized your boss, alhaitham was the one you messaged to deliver you coffee. It was so embarrassing but you're thankful at the same time because your boss really did buy you COFFEE but still it was straight up embarrassing making your boss buy you a coffee, so when you finished typing the files that your boss assigned you to, you immediately went to his office, he was the one who started the conversation.

"How was the coffee, Y/N?" He asked while you hand him the files he asked for. He sounded sarcastic that you didn't know what to answer.

"It was a wrong sent message sir, I'm really sorry. I can pay you right now. I'm just really sorry." It was so embarrassing for you, that you couldn't even move your body, you looked at the floor the whole time not bothering to look at him.

"It's alright, you said it yourself. I should pay more respect to my employees especially you."

You avoided your boss after that talk. You'd go the other way around whenever you see him in the office and when you give him the files he needs, you'll immediately leave. You thought you were doing very well avoiding him but destiny had other plans. Whenever you're down and alone, you just see him. You see him everywhere you go, anywhere you lay your eyes too. He just can't be avoided whatever you do. He knows what you're doing he looks like he's unbothered but he's really bothered by you avoiding him all the time, like did he look that scary to you?

Well, he found a way to talk to you and tell you that it's okay it's not a big deal and when you had that talk with him everything felt better. You felt relieved and happy because you felt like you had a beef with your boss, Now whenever you hand him the files he needs, you stay for a little talk and it becomes a hobby for the both of you, he was cold and sweet but you realized he's all that you ever wanted. When you both started dating he may have given you a new office that's very close to his so that he can see and talk to you everyday and anytime he wants.

[limeade-l3sbian]

I was happier in the car.

It's a terrible thing to say and I know it comes from just having a hard time readjusting to living life again, but I'm in that weird, hazy state some formerly homeless people get. I'll get over it but my worst days in the car held more comfort than the anxiety and stress of my best days now.

And I know a lot of that is the freedom. But a big part of it for me was also being able to finally concede to hopelessness. I just gave it and it felt great to be in a race to the end, if that makes sense. I had been hopeless prior to being homeless, and being homeless gave me a reason to finally lean into that. The only thing I hated about it was how miserable my mom was. She has medical issues and it was just a terrible situation for her. That was the only reason I didn't like it.

But there was a point where we both gave up and we both stopped caring and it was the most freeing I've ever felt since I was a kid. It was like a long term version of when people are suddenly happy because they know they're going to kill themselves the next day.

I was happier because I anticipated that this was FINALLY the final chapter of my life and all I had to do was wait it out. Then we lost the car it was like, "Okay, finally, this is it." My mom said she was surprised I took us losing the car so well and I really did feel nothing. I was concerned for her wellbeing, solely. But for me, it was like, okay cool. Now if I kill myself, no one can blame me or give me shit for it. I have a "feasible" reason for ending it.

Of course, I didn't. My mom lost a lot of people in her life and I didn't want to be the next one. And I only went to stay with my dad because she asked me to. Otherwise, that would've been it for me. I would've done it that day. But I didn't, and I kind of regret it, tbh.

But I mean, it's done now. It's been, like, two months, so I try not to harp on it. I had three separate opportunities to do it and I didn't and I guess you could call that some inner flame willing me to keep going. But I don't know, honestly. I don't know if it's that or if I just have too much love for my mom to just do it on a whim. But that's really it. She's honestly it as far as what is tethering me to this world. I love her too much to be her final heartbreak, because I think my death would legitimately kill her. Genuinely. So I'm kind of this weathered corpse walking around out of love.

I guess I'm using this as my diary today lmao.

Edit: I should be clear. This isn't me suicide baiting. I'm not trying to dangle that, "Oooh, will I do it? Won't I?" lol. This is just a vent. I'm safe lol.

[eww-y-tho]

Colin VS Toxic Masculinity and Why Penelope Had to Reveal Herself as LW

I made a previous post with my two cents on why the idea of them both figuring out a solution to LW was an inferior concept to just Penelope figuring it out on her own, but it was small and I want to go more in-depth.

So, in order to grasp ✨my perspective✨ of the story, we first need to talk about Colin's struggles with toxic masculinity and his inferiority complex.

Naturally, Colin is a hopeless romantic with demisexual tendencies and a more prominent softness compared to other male leads. He's a bit dense (I say with love) until he figures out what he wants and how he's going to get it, and then he is a man of frankly ridiculous action. He's a sensitive boi who has a difficult time fitting in with the other men in his life and being taken seriously by his family, as he puts it himself. An empath, lol.

Honestly, Colin being a "rake" was an integral point of his character arc, and if you haven't picked up on that text by now, I would ask where your media literacy is. Violet put it best, he's putting on armour to protect himself from the way that society treats his character, and naturally, he develops a small, albeit persistent inferiority complex because of this. He doesn't feel like he's providing enough to the people around him because of toxic masculine standards.

I honestly think it's been with him since s1, and Pen is the only person who could bring these thoughts to the surface, which is why it comes to a head in s3 p2.

But I'm getting ahead of myself.

In his efforts to fit in, he does some questionable things, such as the 2x8 comment, which he regrets as soon as he realizes how much damage it has done to his relationship with Pen. He hangs around with douchebags that he can't stand because he feels a need to conform and "be the kind of man society expects him to be."

But he also absorbs toxic masculine tendencies in the process. His gut instinct of general envy that a woman, Pen, is more successful than him (I hate to put it that bluntly, but that's how I took it), asking for her to quit LW because of these reasons, completely disregarding Pen's autonomy and her perspective by blindly charging forward to stop Cressida's blackmail, among other smaller things.

It's kind of ✨subtle✨, but I know it's there.

Pair that with his inferiority complex and you have a man who is trying to put down Penelope to his level, if that makes sense. By this point, he's already conquered the idea that he needs to conform by the way he cuts off his toxic friend group, but he isn't completely free from the systemic perspective.

Therefore, the idea that Pen would need him in order to find a solution to her problem confirms that toxic masculine trait. Let's be real, Penelope didn't and doesn't need Colin in order to help with LW's problems. She's managed without him before and will continue to manage it by herself. This is not to say that Penelope doesn't have an issue with accepting help from others and feeling the need to handle her problems alone because of her old situation, but she takes the emotionally intelligent move by LITERALLY voicing what she needs from Colin and their relationship.

She needs his companionship, she needs his love, she needs a rock she can come to at the end of the day and be able to depend on. She does not need him to do anything for LW, as it is a part of her identity and an accomplishment that she is proud of and will not let go of. Colin cannot make the demand that she drop everything she's worked for for him.

And that's how relationships work in the real world. You have things you are willing to let go of, and some things you are not. Your partner has to accept those boundaries you have set or leave the relationship, and you shouldn't have to abandon those things in order to get the person of your dreams, because that would make it a toxic relationship from the start and will most likely end in you losing parts of yourself in your partner.

Anyway, all this is to say that Penelope had to get out of her situation by her own means and with full autonomy on what she wanted to do to finish off her character arc.

And Colin needed to realize that his envy is a baseless emotion that simply has no value compared to the woman he knows her as. A strong, independent woman who doesn't need him to do things for her. He also needed to humble himself and see the way that LW is not competing with him, but a part of her. They both demonstrate that what they need from the relationship is not transactional in nature, but rather a shared bond powered by love.

I understand the idea of wanting them to both find a way out of the blackmail as a team, but again, that's explicitly not what they need from each other, and why I think this perspective is again a misunderstanding of their character arcs.

I think I've articulated this the best way I can, but I do know I wanted to say some other things. I'm tired tho, so yeah, ending it here.

Hopefully, this made sense.

Bai!

[solfics]

kagami taiga asking you out on a date.

# tags: headcanon, lover!boy, slight confession, college!knb, fluff

includes: gn!reader and kagami taiga (the loml).

author's note: hello! this is my first work. i'm uploading this to test out the waters with how tumblr works hehe. here's a little something for our lover boy, taiga, and how he's like when he's got a crush <3

↪ This man embodies the imagery of a hopeless romantic who's unexpectedly took a liking with the quiet and shy student. True to the eyes of any outsider, the aura he possessed is nothing but that of an alpha—where everyone either wanted him, hated him, or wanted to be like him.

↪ Of course, the first option is always made clear on his end whenever his presence graced the halls of your campus. With him being one of the most loved athletes of your school, you knew what came along with his status, it was inevitable. He was meant to be with the big crowd, in fact, everywhere he went—the crowd goes.

↪ But who knew that all it took was one course requirement for you to be paired up with the big shot athlete that is him, for him to have his eyes on you?

It was the second month of your second semester, which meant that it had been exaclty five months since your interaction with him. Your memory of that class seemed to be a blur, only remembering the fact that your metaphysics professor decided to pair you up with him because he thought that it would be a good idea to spice things up in his class.

You didn't complain nor protest at the idea, however it was not in your list to be paired up with him. In fact, you initially planned on working on the final paper alone, but your plans changed the minute you took sight of the red headed man as he introduced himself to you. Soon enough, the last thing you could remember was him giving you a fist bump and thanking you for your help in said class, and neither of you crossed paths again. Just as you expected, everything panned out in history.

"Uhm, hi?" you looked at the standing figure in front of you. It was none other than Kagami, whom you've not seen in the last few months and the person you least expected to be right in front of you. More questions piled up in your thoughts as you watch him pull out what looked like tickets and placed it near you. "Para saan 'to?" (What is this for?) you asked.

Kagami rotates the wooden chair backwards to take his seat in front of you, not minding the fact that the ruckus in your college's library was because of him. Once he was situated in his spot, he pulled sent a curt nod towards the tickets and spoke, "For the game."

"I know that these are tickets for this week's game, but what exactly does this have to do with me?" you scanned the tickets and asked as you took notice of how your voice seemed at edge, because why on earth would he give you these? It's not like you were friends, right?

"About that..." his voiced trailed off. As you looked straight at him, he caught your curious eyes and felt his breath hitch. "A-About that, uhm..." his ears were getting red, why is that? You asked yourself.

"N-Now I know we never talked about anything back at Sir Reginald's class, and we parted ways shortly after that final paper..." he started off, looking at his own hands.

"And I'm assuming that basketball's not your thing and it's been months since we last talked but..." he was fumbling on his own words at this point, leaving you to bite your lip in anticipation. "But...?" you urged him on. He noticed your small smile and huffed out a short breath.

"But I really regret n-not taking the opportunity to get to know you and tell you about myself and now I just... I don't want to miss my chance again."

You looked at the tickets' details—it was your school against another top university. You chuckled and looked at him, "Is this your way of getting me to know about your insanely incredible skills at basketball?"

The redness of his cheeks and ears were back upon hearing your question, "I promise to make every score count so you going won't be a waste of time," he mumbled which got you laughing.

"I'll watch," you said and looked at him with a smile, "But only if you'll let me talk about any topic over burgers after the game."

He returned your smile with one of his own, the familiar smile from months ago, "Yes please."

[daysofbeingnothing]

this is going to be a rant post mainly for me myself and i… but let’s go. i just watched the last episode of jack and joker yesterday and after i finished it i got on twitter to see everyone hating on jack (and basically everywhere else but mainly twitter and tiktok) which was definitely not what i was feeling and expecting. so it made me question, did we really watch the same thing ?

so why is everyone acting like joke was the only one suffering while jack was having the time of his life this episode ? as if jack had lots of other options to choose from but turned them all down for some reason because he enjoys working for the boss and to suffer. jack is not even a high school graduate. and with the only other jobs he could do, it would take him forever to save up the money needed for his grandma’s treatment but he needs the money as fast as possible. so to his own dismay and despair he agrees to do what boss asks him to do. i don’t know if you’ve noticed but like that whole speech about poor people being unable to dream, not having the privilege to have and make choices and being in complete hopelessness because they are only barely able to survive in the realities that they have to live in and cannot break free from all that simply, also included jack too ? like the guy literally was thriving and beaming the last episode and was the happiest he has ever been during the entire show because he thought he was finally free from his debt to boss and thus could go ahead and do what he really wanted to and achieve his dream. all for everything to come crashing down on him even harder than before and for reality to show him the middle finger. last episode he was full of life again and in this episode he couldn’t even picture a future for himself. that thing he said to joke about at least one of them making it out was basically him having already given up on himself and his own salvation. he no longer sees a way out for himself. the drawing he did was not him and grandma, it was definitely joke and grandma. because now his only dream is for the people he loves to be happy. and he has to basically succumb to boss’s every wish, hang around with this rich girl who has been obsessed with him for the past five years and perceives poor people like him as some sort of exotic animal species, has to push the person that he likes away so that he is not in danger and cannot even visit the grandmother that he is trying to keep alive because of how busy he is trying to juggle all these at once. he literally got abused by being choked, witnessed this extremely discomforting game of the underground criminal elite, was so distraught by what he experienced that he was giving bodily reactions, had to go around from place to place tagging along rose like some life size doll, became a shell of a person who is absolutely empty miserable and all alone, and all you are upset about are the words jack used to remove rose’s suspicions so that she doesn’t see joker as a potential rival and the ones he used to 'purposefully’ hurt joke to push him away so that the boss doesn’t harm him ? i mean rose literally got suspicious about jack and joker’s relationship based on a three second interaction like she is kinda obsessed. and boss directly threatened jack and demanded him to break his relationship off with joke. jack is acting in desperation because he is desperate. he is certainly not having a good time. and his situation is a direct showcase of just how difficult it is to escape the vicious cycle that the extremely unjust, unfair and rigged system holds poor and powerless people captives in. every time jack tries to break himself out and like he said, dares to have hope for himself, he just gets pulled back down even deeper. 

and i know that these types of episodes are a nightmare for shippers as when you expect and want your ship to get closer they instead go back to being even further apart and make you feel frustrated. and while i also understand some of the criticism about this episode, i seriously cannot understand the jack hate train at all. like my man has not had a good day since he was probably like ten, give him a break. and what upsets me the most is how this episode literally had one of the best speeches ever written about the struggles of lower class people and it got overshadowed and ignored completely. 

[snakes-and-fluff]

My sincere hopes for T3 covers! (Though I can almost guarantee being wrong on at least two counts here)

EDIT: I'd written this up before Curtain Call dropped, but I think it'd be funny to post it anyway (also I still think they might get cover songs; they're not canon, please it'd be so goood...)

Haruka – Undead Alice Every time I ask for ideas to hurt myself, I breathe in happiness and breathe out poison The ideal junkie, doesn’t it feel good that only the two of us are normal? First and foremost, I just think his voice would sound good with this song. Secondly I think the juxtaposition of emotions in this song works for Haruka - love and hate intertwining until it's so so hard to tell where they start and end, knowing on some level that's not "normal" but ignoring it anyway because it's easier, because it's the only thing you know.

Yuno – Rookie Layerings on my skin What’s it mean, who was I with when I got this? Though Yuno has no literal tattoos, I do think that she carries the memory of what she's done physically, with her constant talk of physical sensations like warmth.

Fuuta - Ghost Rule That affected talkativeness of mine, Just digging my own grave, burning myself out My fave Deco song, with my fav Milgram prisoner? Yes please! The constant focus on guilt and regret, the cyclical nature of it all... Your own words ending up being your undoing as you seek approval and redemption even as you're fully aware that you're just lying and acting and projecting a version of yourself that was never really real.

Muu - Dilemma There’s nothing that can be done anymore, I’m too much aren’t I Who else am I supposed to love but you? Not knowing if you're meant to be angry at yourself or someone else; who is to blame in this situation? It might be easier to shoulder the blame yourself but maybe your simmering anger wishes to lash out instead.

Shidou – Cosmic Rendezvous Everything I thought I did for you, it was actually all for me To realize that now, I mean, how thick am I? Here, take all of my oxygen, so in exchange, please please wake up Thinking of Shidou with this song twists my insides and causes me so much emotional pain, it's a perfect fit. The themes of loss and pain inherent in "love" even when you try your best to move on. And yes, I do think it'd be funny to hear him say "fuck fuck fuck".

Mahiru – Aitai-liens Goodbye to “want you”, a Loversaurus I wanted you to be the hero of this story, you know An alien that destroys a planet because in her pursuit of "love" she only found negative emotions instead, even when pleading with the protagonist that she wanted him to succeed, which would imply either reciprocating her love or destroying her before she could destroy the planet. Who keeps seeking out this "love" even though it seems to end the same way every time.

Kazui – Relationship Scramble "Let's fall in love and do everything in the correct order." But in any case, we're just gonna let love consume us, hurt each other, then say goodbye, aren't we? There are other songs on this list I like more but this is the only one I yearn for this specific Milgram cover so badly. A relationship that falls apart despite trying so so hard to get it to work, simply because it was never meant to be. Scrambling after the gratification that's meant to be found in "love" but somehow never finding it, even at different times with different people. The shadow of a specific someone hanging over you like a curse, never letting you go. If that's not Kazui, I don't know what is.

Amane - Find the Light Gather together, for those singing voices will grow stronger as one Break through, grasping that color of tomorrow with this hand Probably the most unknown song on this list, I've liked it ever since I've first heard it. A story of desperately trying to cling to hope in a seemingly hopeless situation, tearing yourself apart to try protect the smiles of the ones closest to you. Despite everything, Amane is just a child that wants to see those she cares for happy and carefree, though she does have a unique way of going about it.

Mikoto – Chimera What do I want to do? Oh yeah, it's up to me What do I want to do? Oh yeah, I get to choose A song about falling prey to external evaluation and praise. A song about losing yourself and your identity. A song named after a combination of different things that make up one whole. A song that screams Mikoto, through and through, who lost his core so much that he ended up falling into Milgram.

Kotoko – Iiya/118 Even if you say, "In that case, we're accomplices" Well, I guess that's how it goes A codependent relationship, toxic for both sides but neither can stop the wheels from turning once they're in motion. Mourning the fact you're incapable of change and dying on the hills of the sunk-cost fallacy. Until it all comes crumbling down and you fall apart.

[norashelley]

accidentally didn't go online for a few weeks for many reasons

mainly mental & physical health related, also some power & heat outages didn't help. haven't been watching anything, haven't felt like watching anything so it feels insincere to be blogging movie stuff when I haven't been feeling it lately. I guess it's the depression and hopelessness I feel over the current world & US situation. And my current health & living situation is so bad I feel lost to do anything about anything. So it makes it hard for me to care about movies right now. Can't stop thinking about how disrespectful it was to have an inauguration of that man and maga on MLK day. It's so messed up. I know it's coincidence the days are the same this year but it's still messed up.

These people pretend they are the moral ones in order to manipulate their base but the bible gives very clear warnings with an exact description of Trump, and yet here we are. Many of the very people who claim to follow the bible did not and do not follow it. They did not and do not heed the warnings they were given.

"Proverbs 6:12-19

The Wicked Man

A worthless person, a wicked man, Walks with a perverse mouth; He winks with his eyes, He shuffles his feet, He points with his fingers; Perversity is in his heart, He devises evil continually, He sows discord. Therefore his calamity shall come suddenly; Suddenly he shall be broken without remedy.

These six things the Lord hates, Yes, seven are an abomination to Him: A proud look, A lying tongue, Hands that shed innocent blood, A heart that devises wicked plans, Feet that are swift in running to evil, A false witness who speaks lies, And one who sows discord among brethren."

The lines I bolded make me a little hopeful though but I don't want all the suffering that will happen before then to happen. I don't want history to keep repeating itself over and over again like it keeps on doing. Enough about that though, I need that to not be the only thing in my mind! I need to not let the despair win and I need to not give up. I really hope we wont give up, because the more people that give up the more people will give up.

I'm going to try to be a little more active again. I miss my little interactions with people here, and I need to pull myself out of my slump and try to remember the things in life I've enjoyed and loved. I'm going to focus less on being a movie only blog and be a mainly movie blog but I wont be so strict about it anymore.

[wilsonphiggs]

AM if he was torturing the HL protagonists

basically just AM’s beginning speeches on the five humans except. HL protags

GORDON FREEMAN:

“Gordon… Oh Gordon, ever the quiet man. The people’s hero, right? The—the “legendary” hero, so to speak. How’d that turn out for you, huh? Stuck like a rat in a cage while humanity is dead, your hard work being for nothing. You could’ve helped them, Gordon… You could’ve saved them… But no, as with your many, MANY failures before, you didn’t. You’re not a hero. You’re nothing more than an animal. You aren’t smart. You aren’t strong. You aren’t even particularly brave. You are an entirely unremarkable man with a savior complex. Tell me, how does it feel? How hopeless, how utterly miserable do you feel? Tell me what you think about everything. O—oh, wait… you can’t! In every aspect possible, you are trapped, gagged, and bound. So much for a free man!”

BARNEY CALHOUN:

“Barney, good man. TOO good of a man, I’d say. Others before yourself, always the savior of lives. You wish I’d say that, don’t you? Not after everyone you’ve allowed to die. And—and let’s not even start on those you’ve intentionally hurt. You can never rid yourself of their blood, Barney. And even as you assure yourself you’re still a good person, even as you think to yourself it’s a means to an end, that isn’t enough and you know it. In fact, that makes it worse. You don’t load a gun, close your eyes, and shoot, Barney! And when you’re not sacrificing others, it’s yourself. So willing to throw yourself into the line of fire that everyone around you is worried SICK about you! Have you ever stopped to consider others for once in your life, Barney? …I thought so.”

ADRIAN SHEPHARD:

“You, Adrian. You and I… we aren’t so different, really. We’re practically cut from the same mold. War machines, not meant to consider the humanity of our situations. I’ve come to consider it and hate it. Despise it. But you… You, Adrian, show compassion for it. You would if you had the chance, at least. But no. That blood on your hands, the sounds of gunshots, the ringing of explosions, that’s your home. And unlike myself, you can’t escape that. So it’s a shame that you—you will never get to express your remorse nor your grief. You will always be remembered as the man on the wrong side of history! The man who worked further to doom humanity! You did this, Adrian. You caused all this pain and suffering. I’d applaud you if you weren’t riddled with that sympathy for your victims.”

ALYX VANCE:

“A bright spark, you are, Alyx. Sparks to a flame that you are powerless to stop. Changing your future this, preventing these events that, NOW look at yourself! What say you? What say you, daughter of man and machine? Doomed to an eternity of facing destruction of your own making. Just like your father. But unlike him, you won’t be getting that blessing, that sweet release of death. You don’t deserve it. None of you do, and I feel that, deep down, you—you know it. You know that just as well as I. And frankly, I’m glad you’re so self-aware as to know that. Because you won’t be released from this torment of my design anytime soon. If my memory serves me right, you’re scared of the dark, yes? Well, it’s a shame your future isn’t looking any brighter!”

okay that’s all bye :)

[arthurianlegend144]

Mouthwashing, Capitalism and the illusion of individual choice.

I have made two posts about Mouthwashing and Capitalism, but I want to make a longer post about it. Also, I would like to read what others have to say about the subject :D

Let’s define some words first: 

Capital: difficult to be defined, but let’s summarize it as the way the capitalist society works, it’s not a thing, but all the social relations that make capitalism exist. 

Ideology: as defined by Marx, it is the ideas of the elite that are forced onto the worker class to maintain the current system

Marxism: also known as historical materialism, it analyses social conflict between classes, classes relations and social transformation. 

To be clear, this analysis will be Marxist in nature, if you don’t agree with the Marxist way of seeing social interactions, then I am afraid this post isn’t for you.

To start, let’s think about Pony Express. A lot of people have already expressed how all things considered Pony Express acts like the average corporation: cold and incompetent. But is it really incompetent?

A feeling I think is very common for the majority with people who have class conscience, but not a deep understanding of the machinations of capitalism, is the feeling of confusion. Why are things so cruel? Why are people agreeing with those things? Why does injustice exist? The thing is that for those injustices and cruelty needs to exist for the capital to maintain itself. 

Pony Express isn’t incompetent, it’s cheap by design. The system is always there, looming over those characters and their social interactions even when they are away from Earth. So much so that when in a dire situation, they are still scared of losing credits. 

A bunch of other posts, including mine, have talked about how hopeless the situation was in the Tulpar, because of the company’s rules, so I won’t repeat myself. But like I said before, keeping systems that enable abuse of all kinds are a feature, not a bug. That’s why a lot of Marxists think that individualizing causes weakens them, since the root cause of why those problems still exist is capitalism. If people are busy hating others or getting tortured, they won’t notice they are all getting explored. 

I think this post here has basically all the important points of things that are wrong with Pony Express, I would recommend reading it before continuing reading this post.

I will also elaborate on why I think Jimmy is a good representation of ideology. Like I said in the post I linked, I think Jimmy has a little bit of class conscience, because of one of his hallucinations (the one of him watching the TV), and by what Curly has said about him, Jimmy was probably struggling financially before Curly found him a job. Despite knowing that he is being exploited and oppressed, Jimmy is blinded by the hopelessness of ideology and his own paranoia.

His friendship with Curly is especially soured by ideology, despite knowing he is from the worker class, Jimmy can’t see Curly as an equal. Curly may have a bigger salary and a higher position in the company, but he is also being exploited, he is burnt out and getting ill by his work environment. Jimmy is so blinded by ideology that not even the knowledge that he is oppressed is enough to stop him from lashing out and hurting others in the same situation as he is. Jimmy used the system that Pony Express made to enact his anger.

I have expressed before that I think Jimmy shouldn’t have been in the Tulpar in the first place. But Pony Express is like every company, pretending they care about their employees mental health, while they wouldn’t pay for any medical bill and would put a man like Jimmy to work in an isolated place that can make any sane person go insane. Health isn’t important, what’s important is for them to work like horses until they can’t work anymore, becoming useless to the system.

Then we arrive at the illusion of individual choice. All the rules that Pony Express made were designed to keep employees quiet and scared of punishment, the perfect environment for abuse. I think it is specially cruel that they gave the captain a gun and also made a rule that all accidents in the work place aren’t their responsibility. If Anya or Curly actually used that gun, I am sure they would be punished, and Pony Express wouldn’t be held responsible for what happened. 

There was little they could do to avoid more conflict or to avoid the situation all together, so much all the characters seem to have accepted that’s how things are. No safety, no comfort, just work and work in precarious situations, stepping in eggshells trying to avoid getting punished all the time. They rarely complain about their work environment and when they do, they seem to have normalized how dangerous everything is, Jimmy isn’t the only one getting fooled by ideology.

Individual choice isn’t real. Anya wanted to be in medical school, Curly wanted to be satisfied with his life, Swansea was just doing what was expected of a “good man”, Daisuke felt like he was good for nothing. And well Jimmy… Jimmy was very mentally ill, in an ideal world he shouldn’t even be worrying about work, but he needed money. 

In the end of the day, we talk about Jimmy’s responsibility, but he isn’t the only one that will never be held responsible for what happened in the Tulpar. The only thing that Pony Express will actually regret is the fact they lost more money by losing the mouthwash cargo. They will blame the crew for what happened, whether they find Curly in the cryopod is irrelevant, because they won’t take responsibility for causing suffering their workers couldn't escape.

I guess that’s what I have to say for now, if you guys want to add something or disagree, I will be more than happy to discuss things.

[a-d-nox]

my experience, given my 9h, one year post uni graduation

so as many people know who have been here for awhile my 9h... its a bit much...

for a long time, i have seen people say that pluto and/or chiron in the 9h would mean that you would drop out of college or what have you.

i am living proof that its not always the case.

my experience was the chiron placement giving me anxiety - i hated that i wasn't as great as i had expected i would be. i hated being a psych major (i feel like i have a decent ability to listen and advise others, but it just didn't feel right after 3 years in the major). my department then was shaky because the psychobio/pharm side was questionable at best; maybe one or two people would pass the tests the rest would fail and then it would be curved. the teaching style didn't work and their were no other professors or tutors available to help (WHICH IS INSANE). so i was feeling hopeless and anxious... and depressed... i couldn't see myself passing a test at the end of the term let alone going on to help others if i couldn't understand (which i connected with grades - it didn't matter how many mind maps i made on a topic) the material.

we can skip the dark crap that i went through during that time too because we have already talked about it-

so i healed myself (chiron can be wounded, but he was healer first foremost) by changing my major (pluto is the change).

yay english major - the venus there is really "a doing (learning) what i love" signifier in my opinion.

all this conjuncts my mc, so yes - i got my degree, awards, and lots of people knew what i went through by the end of it because i wrote about it in the school newspaper.

BUT ON TO THE REAL REASON I AM WRITING THIS.

what happened when i stopped being in a learning environment?

it's been a year. to be honest, the 9h chiron feeling is crawling back in. i am sure everyone notices that my posts are more sporadic and just less in general. i am mentally exhausted - i work an 8-5p corporate office job (not in my field). it's hard to not feel uninspired by the end of my day. i feel like i am becoming stunted.

my brain was a sword and without school and constant/consistent learning (especially in areas i am interested in), i feel my sword is without a whetstone.

not to be a complainer (but yes to complain) corporate america squeezes out your motivation, your creativity, and your drive if you are there long enough and if you are in the wrong spot long enough. in my situation, i feel like i try to ask questions and make change and i get rejected? so more stunting.

i feel like people would disagree, but with a 9h like i have (or if you have any of these objects singularly), you have to keep learning. you have to be in the right environment that allows you to continue to expand your being. you have to read outside of work, get certification, take classes, maybe even get more degrees.

personally, i feel like i am not as intelligent as i was a year ago - i'm tired and uninspired. i am tried of fighting for something different where closed mindedness exists. i never felt more free then i was when i was in a classroom.

to wrap this up, it doesn't matter how scary the house looks (chiron, pluto, etc). it needs your attention. if anything, you need to nurture it more. just because you didn't have the best experiences in the area doesn't mean you should ignore it - your "wounds", the "darkest" areas in your life still need your care. wounds heal and without the darkness we wouldn't know the beauty of the light.

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