#I was like that because I was in a hopeless situation and hated myself and hated everyone else
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Whenever I see someone being transphobic on twt in a bridget thread i reply with three pictures of my mains: ky kiske from ac+r, ky kiske from rev 2, and ky kiske from strive.
it self selects for people who actually play the game. it’s canon that he’ll fight off transphobes with the blade. and if they actually played guilty gear they’d get the underlining messages
While it can be really funny to bully these guys back, please keep in mind that nothing you can say or do to these people will hurt them or waste as much of their time as what they say will stick with you or waste your time. It might be funny to send them a bunch of Ky pictures, but what they're doing is laughing that the only response the people they hate can give them is sending a bunch of pictures of anime boys.
The only thing that works is blocking them. They've turned being an asshole into a recreational sport and getting any sort of response in return is a victory for them.
#asks#Unfortunately I was an asshole on the internet once (not a vicious transphobe just a basic internet asshole)#I know exactly how these people function because I was there once...#When you don't take the person you're arguing with seriously it's very easy to laugh at every single thing they do#Which is what these guys are doing. It doesn't matter how well thought out the counter argument is. They don't care and they won't care#All you can hope for is that they're young and they grow out of it (I did)#I feel bad for them because I think about what led to me being like that decades ago. Are they going through the same thing?#I was like that because I was in a hopeless situation and hated myself and hated everyone else#People arguing back just proved my point that everything sucked and my hate was justified#It's an awful feedback loop. People being kind to me felt disingenuous. Why should they be kind? I hated them. They had no reason to be nic#I had to get to a point where I was willing to help myself crawl out of that pit before I let anyone else even get near me emotionally#I still remember the day when I realized I was being a fucked up little shit to everyone lol#Early June 2011. It was sunny with no clouds and there was a cool breeze. I was listening to In This Moment and I realized#'What the hell am I doing? Do I want to be like this forever? Get your shit together man'#It was a slow process from there but I did get out of it. Slowly. Very slowly.#There's a lot I did that I regret and can't ever apologize for because it was so long ago and the names and faces are gone now#Apologizing at this point would be selfish and only for my benefit anyway. I can only hope that what I did didn't hurt people permanently#Anyway. I've never talked about this on here before because it's the kinda shit that gets put on callout posts out of context#So. I am laying my naked soul bare and raw for the sake of underlining my original point: Internet trolls don't care
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gamers i feel fuckennnnnn terrible ✌️
#hm.#like. this particular situation feels hopeless like i cant salvage anything#its like when glass cracks and u know its broken and dangerous and all it would take is one lil push#and itd just fall#like. i always wanna be someone who tries but. i always try until im raw and bleeding and worse for it#theres trying and theres not knowing when enough is enough and i just dont know where the line is between that#is it really unsalvageable or do i just not wanna hurt over this any more#i know im cared about but. theres one person who i wish cared more. who i wish didnt say things and promise things#because now that its later down the line its clear none of that meant a thing which is exactly what i said then#promises like that dont last. especially from those with commitment issues. i would know.#its why i dont make those kinds of promises. only very rarely. and now im gonna be made into a liar#promise breaker. i hate that#i keep complaining about this and. i keep giving myself a few days. a week. over and over.#'maybe it'll change when my heads clearer. maybe i'll feel differently later'#and tbf i do for a bit. but it doesnt last. it lasts for less time each time i try that#im still mad and upset and hurt#i'll figure it out but. why me. why does this happen
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Stolas just standing there and letting blitz hug him in the end is all good, right? He is just sad because of octavia and accepting that blitz is there with him right?? It's not that he regrets chosing him, right??? (I just need affirmation)
You know what? I've found myself needing reassurance about this too. So let's take a moment to look at the facts together, shall we?
(This reply turned out way longer than I expected it to 😅 sorry!)
Fact #1 - Stolas is still coming to terms with the consequences of his actions. He spends the whole episode finding out just how much his life has changed. Learning how to navigate groceries, and laundry, and meals, and having a job, and worrying about money.
Mid-episode, he has a breakdown where he truly questions if everything he gave up was worth it just for a fantasy. At this point in the episode, he still hasn't realised how much he means to Blitz. As far as he's concerned, he did all of this for someone who doesn't reciprocate his feelings. By the end of the episode, though, his feelings have settled enough for him to express what he has known to be true all along: that saving Blitz was the right thing to do.
What Stolas regrets isn't saving Blitz's life, or even loving Blitz in the first place.
What he regrets are the choices he made that led them to this. He feels guilty for selfishly (or, rather, naively) playing out his fantasies. He's the one who established the deal, who let Blitz illegally use the book for many months, who wasn't always sensible about how he expressed his love for Blitz publicly and despite being married, and who allowed himself to ignore the reality of his situation so he could live in his own, personal romcom—all of which ultimately led to the events of Mastermind and the loss of Via.
And all the guilt and regret he's grappling with (however justified it might be) is exacerbated by fact #2, which is:
Fact #2 - Stolas is off his medication. He's been off it for a month now. Symptoms of depression (especially untreated depression) include mood swings, irritability, self-hatred and low self-esteem, passive/active suicidal ideation, pessimism and hopelessness about the future, catastrophising, black-and-white thinking, and anhedonia (inability to feel pleasure and to find joy in things—and people—who used to bring you it). All symptoms Stolas exhibits throughout this episode.
So, even if he shows a lack of emotion toward Blitz at times, or irritation to seemingly minor things like low doors or "secretating" or Karen's behaviour, even if he acts regretful and angry and desolate... a lot of these emotions and behaviours are a result of his depression, and not of actually hating the life he chose.
Fact #3 - Stolas loves Blitz. He always has, and always will. I could point at a thousand different moments in the show when Stolas' love for Blitz has transpired, but I'm going to leave it at his line from Mastermind: "I would rather be dead than live life without you by my side."
Even after everything they've gone through, even now that he's taken Blitz off his pedestal and can acknowledge that Blitz can be a fucking idiot... Stolas simply does not want to live a life without Blitz. It has always been Blitz. It will always be Blitz.
Stolas loves Blitz.
Fact #4 - Stolas kissed Blitz. Before he truly hits rock bottom as a result of Octavia cutting him out, Stolas is so ecstatic that Blitz cares, that Blitz was willing to go to such lengths to save his life, that he can't hold back the need to kiss Blitz mid-air. Suddenly, none of his earlier frustration matters. Nothing matters expect for how elated he is that Blitz loves him back. So he smiles and he pulls Blitz into a kiss because he can't bear not to kiss Blitz for a moment longer.
Look at this man. Look at how happy he is. Because it's always been Blitz, and maybe it was a fantasy for a long time, but it doesn't have to be anymore. Maybe this can be real now. He's so happy he (and I) could cry.
Fact #5 - Stolas didn't deny loving Blitz. When Via said "You don't love me, you love him," the script very purposefully did not have Stolas go "no, no, Via, that's not true—" or say anything else that might make Blitz doubt, even for a moment, that Stolas loves him. Because that much is true. He does love Blitz. He just also loves Via. Which brings me to:
Fact #6 - Blitz knows Stolas loves him. At no point throughout the episode does Blitz doubt, even for a second, that Stolas loves him. And we know this because Blitz's walls remain down at all times. If Blitz doubted he was loved, if he had even the slightest of reservations, those walls would come crawling back up whether he wanted them to or not. It's what he's been trained and conditioned to do—it's how he's kept his heart safe ever since the accident.
But now, he knows his heart is safe with Stolas. He believes it enough to not depend on his walls to feel at ease. He believes it enough to let himself take care of Stolas and be soft with Stolas without the slightest trace of hesitation.
Look at Blitz's face. This is the face of a man who knows that even if Stolas isn't okay right now, things will get better. And when they do, they'll both still be in love with each other. This is the face of a man who can't wait for something beautiful to flourish between them, but who is in no rush to get there. He knows the road ahead is hard and painful, but he has faith in Stolas. In both of them.
Fact #6 - Stolas was happy to share a private, romantic dance with Blitz. Despite everything going through his mind, he found comfort and happiness in dancing with Blitz; in getting to have this little moment with him.
He found relief in the fact that Blitz stayed with him this time, even after Stolas told him, once again, that he didn't have to stay.
His reaction to Blitz initiating a dance between them is genuine surprise, immediately followed by an enamoured little smile at the mere notion that he gets to have this, now.
And, as they dance, he keeps smiling and leaning into Blitz, going as far as to manage a deep, heartfelt laugh at Blitz's words. This, for an unmedicated, depressed person going through one of the worst days of his life, is huge in itself. It shows that, even in the worst of times, he finds undeniable comfort and happiness in Blitz.
And, after their dance, Stolas looks at Blitz with a sobriety and soft sort of realisation that shows he's finally coming to terms with the fact that this is real. After everything he's lost, after all the fantasies he hoped for for so long and believed he'd never have, he finally gets to have this.
Despite the pain he's going through, Stolas looks at Blitz and sees the man he loves.
Notice how Blitz's eyes trail down to Stolas' mouth. And Stolas realises. And doesn't move away. Waiting, expectantly, for Blitz's next move, fully expecting it to be a kiss.
But then Blitz hugs him instead, and Stolas doesn't hug back.
And it's not because he doesn't want to be hugged by Blitz. It's not because his feelings for Blitz have changed, or dimmed, or disappeared. It's not because he regrets loving Blitz, or saving him. It's not because he doesn't want to have a close, healthy, loving romantic relationship with Blitz.
It's because of facts #1 (he's grappling with so much guilt and coming to terms with the consequences of his actions) and #2 (he's experiencing symptoms of unmedicated depression). And, above all, it's because of fact #7, which is...
Fact #7 - Stolas doesn't know how to be loved. Stolas has never had support. He has never had a shoulder to cry on, or someone to hold him when he needed it. When he's feeling vulnerable and broken, he defaults to hugging himself as a way to self-soothe, because that's the only comfort he's ever known.
And because he's never known comfort from others—because it was never allowed or safe for him to need or ask for comfort from others—all Stolas knows to do with his vulnerability is hide it. So much so that, the two times we see him begin to break down in front of Blitz before this episode, he either portals Blitz away or masks his tears and pain immediately. Even as he drunkenly rambles about wanting to be held, he still makes sure not to appear like he actually needs a hug.
So when he finds himself being held by Blitz in a warm, comforting hug, Stolas doesn't know how to respond. Because he's never had this. He's never had an opportunity to learn how to exist in someone's comforting embrace, how to interact with this kind of physical contact. He still has to learn how to feel safe between arms that aren't his own.
Simply put, Stolas still doesn't know how to hold Blitz back.
That doesn't mean Stolas doesn't want or need physical comfort. He needs it desperately—everyone does. But wanting something and knowing how to actually have it are two very different things, and Blitz knows that better than anyone, because he's wanted Stolas for a very long time, but didn't, until very recently, know how to feel safe accepting Stolas' love.
And that's why Blitz is completely understanding of the fact that all Stolas can do, all Stolas has the ability to do, is stand there and let himself be held, and let his emotions go through him. In, and out, with every breath, with every second. And get slowly acquainted with what being comforted by the person he loves feels like.
Thirty-something years of trauma can't be undone in a single hug, or a single conversation, and it's going to take time for Stolas to learn how to be present while in Blitz's arms, and how to return that emotional closeness.
But Blitz has faith in him. Blitz is willing to be patient and soft with him while he gets better. Blitz is ready to meet Stolas where he's at, because he knows, beyond a trace of doubt, that they love one another, and they're going to be okay. Even if Stolas doesn't know it yet—even if we, the audience don't know it yet—Blitz knows.
And that's just going to have to be enough for now.
And because this post got completely away from me, I shall conclude by quoting their song, because it summarises their story better than I ever could:
Truer love is hard to find. ❤️
#helluva boss sinsmas#helluva boss spoilers#helluva boss#stolitz#Long post#helluva boss meta#helluva boss stolas#helluva boss blitz#blitz helluva boss#stolas helluva boss#stolas goetia#Blitzo#image description in alt
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Hi! A little life update.
At the end of October I wrote that I was deep in a depression spiral and due to unexpected occurrences I had been left with basically no income for several months. I had emptied my savings at that point and was feeling extremely stressed, sick and hopeless.
I just want to thank everyone who reached out and offered support or even looked up my ko-fi info and sent me a donation. It was an unfathomably kind thing to do and helped me tremendously. I'm not exaggerating when I say that I was at the end of my tether, I had 1,70€ in my bank account at that moment. I was sleeping four hours per night on average because my insomnia was so out of control, and had more or less stopped eating, after surviving on nothing but porridge, bread, apples and buttered pasta for close to a month. Things were kind of dire. No one has ever showed me that kind of unprompted generosity before, irl or online. Thinking that people I've never even met were willing to support me like that both warms my heart and makes me feel kind of guilty and undeserving. I'm not used to being treated like that. I hope I didn't make you feel pressured to get involved. It did genuinely help me put myself back together though. The next day I went and bought some essential groceries and getting to eat properly was a massive boost in terms of energy and mood. I'm doing a little better now. I finally managed to get the financial situation corrected, but it'll take months before my finances recover and I'll be able to go shopping without feeling paranoid about counting every cent and hating myself if I buy a small treat. I mentioned that my seven years old, well-served laptop is on it's last legs, so the remaining funds are going towards putting together a new PC, hopefully soon. I don't really have any product or extra content to offer you as a thank you for the ko-fi donations I received, but I hope it's at least nice to think that they're directly enabling me to continue making more art in the future.
I'm still struggling with intense anxiety every day, and it has caused me to develope some kind of impostor syndrome that is impacting my online presence negatively at the moment. I look at the things I try to draw and the asks I get, and feel like nothing I create, say or write is good enough or worth people's time and attention. I'm having hard time opening up like I used to, and I miss the interactions I used to have here, they were an immense source of inspiration and motivation to me. But I'm trying to work on that, and hoping that posting stuff will start to feel more natural again eventually. This got a little long, but thanks for reading! I hope life treats you well.
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The school year finally ended... I hate college SO much :( but I am alive!! I beg for some crumbs of thoughts on Sunday... -chubby darling anon who is very much alive and finally got a mitsuri scale figure <3
putting all of my other fics, blurbs, and asks on PAUSE for this!! congrats!! no more school foorrr… 3ish months!! after dropping out of uni, i’ve been finally considering going back myself for phlebotomy!! canadas health situation is lack lustre rn and the course is less than one year + paid practicum + immediate job placement which is kinda sweet… CONGRATS ON THE FIGURE TOO!! i recently (like a month and a half ago) procured the hatsune miku jirai kei subculture fashion figure and i cannot stress how pretty she is <3 sits on my pc right now bc my shelves are full… ANYWAYS… love you!!
includes: silly sunday hcs, potential story spoilers, maybe ooc im still feeling him out, praise, degradation, riding crops, his hands…, and gender neutral reader!!
very poignantly the hopeless romantic type. he’s always functioned as a ‘singularity’ of sorts and over the years developed a certain fondness of it, even if it hurts. it’s worth noting he vividly reminds me of the line ‘i miss the comfort in being sad,’ from nirvanas ‘Frances Farmer Will Have Her Revenge on Seattle.’ he’s the type of partner to always be stuck in that self-absorbed martyr mindset a little bit.
pragmatic to a fault. Sunday is deeply a skeptic, take his departure from the harmony in favour of the order, as an example. it’s cool because it means you’ll never have to worry about any technicalities but it also means he has a hard time letting go of control or being spontaneous.
very into more subtle romantic gestures and an absolute gentleman. you’ll have flowers at your door at least once a week and he makes sure to take all of your preferences into consideration when planning dates (he will be the one planning). keeps his hand on your lower back most of the time, the waist is far too scandalous!!
not a big texter. he prefers speaking face to face and will call if he can’t come see you. that said, he’ll make sure to like or respond to all of the silly pictures and messages you send, even if it’s a dry ‘haha’ or just a heart. occasionally, you’ll find that he’s sent you a letter, ask about and he’ll shrug and say he simply wanted something more heartfelt if he’s to communicate written. he’s got a special stamp to seal the ones he sends you.
grabs your phone when you go to show him something. no explanation i just feel it in my bones.
although he’s no singer, he’s still a classically trained musician. i imagine he was taught the violin but went on to learn his preferred instrument, the harp, himself. he’s a bit shy about playing so rather than asking, just wait until he thinks it’s late and you’re not around to hear; he’s got quite the set of fingers.
…speaking of fingers, my bread and butter, he’s beyond skilled with playing you. while he enjoys getting down to business, getting to leisurely spread you open and thrum against all your nerves gets him going. could spend hours having you laid out, in his lap, on the floor, wherever, just gently coaxing you open, wet, and pliant for himself.
off of that, he likes you best worn down to soft edges and weak desperation. getting to play the saviour, making you come undone, has him stiff in his pants.
lots of sweet praise and subtle degradation. things like, “you want to be good for me, don’t you my sweet?,” or, “now, now, don’t get greedy on me. be patient, silly thing, and i’ll appease all of your foolish whims,” annddd, “come now, you’ve been so well for me, angel, don’t ruin that with any useless whines.”
he’s not one for being too harsh against you but push the right buttons and you’ll get a ‘dumb’ or ‘stupid’ here and there. Sunday doesn’t curse but he knows his way around how to make you feel inferior and looked down upon.
he likes the power play of staying fully and pristinely clothed while your completely nude, save for maybe a pretty collar he’s got you belled with. if you’re real trouble, say maybe a no good criminal causing problems on Penacony and once arrested you’re at his disposal and oh so pretty, he’ll find a nice muzzle to fix you with.
strikes, no pun intended, me as the type to have an affinity for riding crops over anything else for punishments. you’ll get the same sugarcoated degradation while he comments on how you’re not even good enough to be so close to his gloved hand that he just must use the crop!! (he likes the pretty bruises it leaves).
#cw: degradation#cw: riding crops#sunday x reader#sunday x you#honkai star rail x reader#hsr x reader#honkai star rail x you#hsr x you#chit chats#chubby darling anon my beloved!#i think he’s a real slime ball#but… very interesting i fear#i like how… stiff?? purposeful?? assertive?? he is#very much a mixed bag of marbles and i like that!!#kisses u btw
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: ̗̀➛ Sending genshin men the wrong message.
part 1
Who?
╰┈➤ Ayato, diluc , alhaitham
situation?
╰┈➤ you sent the wrong message to your boss which was supposed to be for your brother.
✎ this is an au (diluc still has the wine Business)!! Characters is your boss who likes you secretly. ⚠️ Use of cuss words... I'm trying my best to make them character like so be nice jk <3 they are just my genshin top 3 so I made this then I can also read it myself 😭 anyways enjoy <3 cannot assure you of perfect grammar !! I like to keep it simple
: ̗̀➛ AYATO
You accidentally sent those to Ayato, your boss because you kept thinking about him and how you hate his strict side. He doesn't smile and he always looks mad whenever you don't finish on time, it was his fault for giving you so much work. If there's a time where he's good to you it's the time when you finish all the work that he assigned for you to do fast. The next day after that, he'll assign you more and more and it gets annoying knowing you have to work overtime again.
You sent it accidentally because, you weren't focused enough. You are focused trying to guess the time what time you can come home. The first person on your chats list was always your brother so you just got used to it and clicked it without looking. Now you're standing there, in his office expecting him to scream and fire you after sending him such ridiculous messages.
"So..Y/N did I really assign you a ton of work?" It was the first thing he said before firing you, or that's what you thought.
You shook your head.
"No, sir. It's not that..it's just umm, my girl days are acting up I didn't mean those I'm sorry! It won't happen again. I promise."
It was a lie but you were desperate. You didn't want to lose this job because it would be too hard to find another.
"Girl days? You could simply tell me if I'm giving you too much work, I can work on that and I understand if you're tired, but you didn't have to-" He was cutted of by you apologizing to him.
"No it's not that! I'm really sorry. I apologize. I'll take the consequences of my reckless actions." You said as you bowed to him to show your sincerity.
You took the consequences of your actions, it was just your boss giving you work but your work gets easier and less time by time, you didn't understand why of course but people are gossiping about how your boss likes you which you didn't believe at first but he becomes more gentle and gentle to you. You fell for him and when you started dating him, you found out your boss likes you for so long and was actually hurt by the wrong messages you sent, but it's alright now because you kept kissing him and telling him how much you love him.
: ̗̀➛ DILUC
When you saw that reply from Diluc, your boss. You really tried to run away and hide yourself forever. You're using your phone while working? He'll probably scream at you and fire you. That's what you thought. The only reason why you sent that message to him instead of your brother was because you're WORKING. You had to focus on making a drink first while using your phone, it wasn't allowed when your boss was there and one day he just wasn't and you thought it's okay for you to do that.
That's why, it happened. You thought your job was over and you can't do anything about it. Just by thinking what your boss would do to you when you meet him the next day scares the shit of you, well you did compliment him so you hope he'll let it slide but at the same time you also said that it was a loss. You had to go to the tavern, sleepless who looks hopeless at the same time, now you're just standing in front of your boss, diluc while he's at his chair looking really fresh and cool.
"Care to explain?, Y/N" He said, he wasn't looking at you. He's doing his work while waiting for you to speak for yourself.
"I won't do it again, it's really wrong for me to speak bad things about you when you're the one who's helping me to earn money, I'm really sorry. Sir." You said as you bowed to him, when you tried to look at him, he looked confused and stressed by just what you said.
"I'm not talking about that, Y/N. I'm telling you to explain why were you using your phone while doing your work? It's forbidden, you know that right?" Now you felt more embarrassed than you did before. You apologized for speaking bad about him but not using your phone in the middle of your work.
"It was reckless behavior that I did, sir. I'm really sorry. I won't do it ever again. I will do everything I can to assure you that."
He didn't fire you and just told you to do your work, however you couldn't focus for months because of what you did. Diluc was the one who REALLY assured you that it's fine just don't do it again. He's straight up being sweet towards you. You didn't think about it at first but you completely fell in love with him. You may have told him that you loved him when you were drunk and magically out of nowhere, you both started dating after getting drunk that night.
: ̗̀➛ ALHAITHAM
Alhaitham was flabbergasted when you sent those messages and the fact that you didn't realize it because you're that BUSY typing was something else. You just didn't mind it and waited for your iced coffee that was paid by your brother patiently, I mean you always ask your brother to deliver coffee to you so he knows what to do so you just continued your work like nothing.
How did you realize it, you ask? It was when your iced coffee was delivered by your co-workers saying that it was for you, and when you're about to thank your brother through chats you realized your boss, alhaitham was the one you messaged to deliver you coffee. It was so embarrassing but you're thankful at the same time because your boss really did buy you COFFEE but still it was straight up embarrassing making your boss buy you a coffee, so when you finished typing the files that your boss assigned you to, you immediately went to his office, he was the one who started the conversation.
"How was the coffee, Y/N?" He asked while you hand him the files he asked for. He sounded sarcastic that you didn't know what to answer.
"It was a wrong sent message sir, I'm really sorry. I can pay you right now. I'm just really sorry." It was so embarrassing for you, that you couldn't even move your body, you looked at the floor the whole time not bothering to look at him.
"It's alright, you said it yourself. I should pay more respect to my employees especially you."
You avoided your boss after that talk. You'd go the other way around whenever you see him in the office and when you give him the files he needs, you'll immediately leave. You thought you were doing very well avoiding him but destiny had other plans. Whenever you're down and alone, you just see him. You see him everywhere you go, anywhere you lay your eyes too. He just can't be avoided whatever you do. He knows what you're doing he looks like he's unbothered but he's really bothered by you avoiding him all the time, like did he look that scary to you?
Well, he found a way to talk to you and tell you that it's okay it's not a big deal and when you had that talk with him everything felt better. You felt relieved and happy because you felt like you had a beef with your boss, Now whenever you hand him the files he needs, you stay for a little talk and it becomes a hobby for the both of you, he was cold and sweet but you realized he's all that you ever wanted. When you both started dating he may have given you a new office that's very close to his so that he can see and talk to you everyday and anytime he wants.
#genshin imagines#genshin impact imagines#genshin impact fluff#genshin fanfic#genshin x reader#genshin impact x you#genshin impact x reader#alhaitham x reader#al haitham fluff#genshin impact#alhaitham fluff#al haitham#alhaitham fics#alhaitham fanfic#alhaitham x you#diluc ragnvindr#diluc fluff#diluc x reader#genshin diluc#diluc x you#diluc imagines#ayato fluff#ayato x reader#ayato x you#kamisato ayato#genshin ayato#ayato imagines#alhaitham#diluc fanfic#alhaitham imagines
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⚠️Spoilers for Hazbin ep 4⚠️
⚠️Also, this post will talk about Abuse and SA, it is briefly mentioned a few times throughout the rest of this… whole long thingy I wrote⚠️
⚠️Also, brief mention of the scene where someone tried to drug Angel⚠️
Ok, I am just genuinely baffled at the people who somehow find a way to hate on 'Loser, Baby'.
Like, if you don't like Huskerdust that's fine... but 'Loser, Baby' is not overshadowing/brushing off Angel's SA. It's not victim blaming. And it's not Husk telling Angel to just shut up and get over it.
Like I've seen it so much, and you know what? Fuck it. Welcome to my TedTalk on why it's not all of those things.
For starters: Husk doesn't know about Angel's SA
When Angel has his vulnerable outburst (Side note, props to Blake I mean, they said 'take 5' he heard 'change lives') he talks about how he feels like he has to act the way he does to keep Valentino happy because he stupidly sold his soul to him. That he wants to get drugged up because that’s his escape. That he wants to be broken because maybe, just maybe Val will let him go. He wants to be free, but he can't and he has no one to blame but himself.
"What's the worst part of this hell, I can only blame myself" is literally the pre chorus to his song (Poison), and that is what he shares with Husk.
Not once does he bring up his abuse or SA. If he did, do you think a song would have even happened? Look how Husk reacted when someone tried to drug Angel's drink! Now that Husk actually genuinely cares about him? Dead. Dead. Valentino would be dead.
Us knowing about Angels situation in full is dramatic irony which is, essentially, we as the audience know more/are given more insight than the other characters. We were given the insight of Angel's true trauma that he deals with on the daily. Husk and the rest of the Hotel were not and have no idea what he deals with, the only one that even has an inkling is Charlie and even then we still know WAY more about Angel’s situation than her, so you can't really get upset at Husk for not knowing something he would have no way of knowing unless Angel shared it with him directly.
Moving onto the song itself, it's a song of empathy.
Allow me to explain.
Husk pinpoints perfectly what Angel is feeling in this moment:
"So things look bad, and your back's against the wall Your whole existence seems fuckin' hopeless You're feelin' filthy as a dive bar bathroom stall Can't face the world sober and dopeless You've lost your way, you think your life is wrecked"
When Husk starts singing, you can tell that Angel is expecting Husk to pull the whole "But that's not true! It's not hopeless! You're life's not wrecked!" and is very surprised when Husk doesn't.
Instead, Husks says "Yeah. You're right." And this is when a lot of the haters get angry- but hold on a second.
When someone is feeling all of those things, saying things like "That's not true! You'll be ok!" aren't helpful at all. That's brushing it off. Even if it may be true, that doesn't help anyone when they're feeling like hopeless, lost, losers.
Because that's sympathy, not empathy. Sympathy is feeling for someone, and trying to make them feel better. Empathy, is not trying to make them feel any certain way- better or worse- empathy is simply feeling with someone. And that's what Husk does.
During the first chorus, Husk is clearly teasing Angel a bit while doing so, but not without good reason. It's keeping Angel from closing back up again, he's being a little bit silly with him and teasing him. I mean, did you see the silly lil walk he did crossing in front of Angel? And Angel is super confused because he's like "how tf is this supposed to make me feel better??"
That's the thing. It's not. That's sympathy's job, not empathy's. Empathy just want's you to feel felt with, it doesn't want to tell you how to feel. And adding that bit of silliness gives Angel's vulnerability a chance to breathe and it prevents Angel from closing in on himself.
The next verse, pre-chorus, and chorus is when the empathy though really kicks in.
The next verse, is the first part of empathy: Sharing about a similar experience you went through.
In this verse, now that Angel is listening not just hearing, Husk shares that he has been gruesomely damaged. Calling back to what he shared literally seconds before the song. That he knows what it's like to sign away your soul, and constantly look back at it with huge amounts of regret. That knowing that moment is what turned him into the mess he is today, and that he has no one to blame but himself. Just like Angel.
Then in the pre-chorus where there's the whole:
"I sold my soul to a psychopathic freak Haha! And you think that makes you unique? Get outta here, man!"
That isn't Husk telling Angel to get over himself and this isn’t him undermining what Angel’s been through. That's him saying 'I did too, you're not alone’
And then the very simple word change from "you're" to "we're" in the chorus is SO FREAKING HUGE. Because Husk is essentially saying "You feel like a total loser right now. Ok. Then if what happened to you/what you went through makes you a loser, then I'm a loser too. Let's be loser's together." Instead of trying to make Angel stop feeling like he's a hopeless loser, he decides that he is too.
He meets Angel where he is.
Aka: ✨empathy✨
Angel finally feels seen, understood, felt with. All the goals of empathy. He no longer feels alone in what he is struggling with, which is HUGE! Especially for people going through/dealing with SA and abuse.
The bridge of the song, is also extremely important, because this is where they acknowledge the differences in what they're going through. Their root problem is the same, but how it messed up their lives and created the problems they deal with now are completely different
And that's around when the song begins to shift from just Husk showing empathy and comforting Angel, to them both finding comfort in each other.
Which you can clearly see by the chorus under the umbrella, where it's not just one of them singing the chorus, but it's both of them. Because they have found a place to go to and confide in, a place of comfort, with each other.
Like, I am genuinely concerned that people find this song toxic like... have- have you never experienced empathy before? Are you ok?
So yeah, to wrap this up, if you don’t like ‘Loser, Baby’ just because you don’t like the song in general? That’s fine (odd, but fine)
But if you hate it because it “undermines Angel’s experience and what he goes through” I…
words.
Thank you for coming to my TedTalk
#Welp#ADHD stole my phone again#I’m so normal about them#the songs been out for a day how the hell have I analyzed it this much already tf#hazbin hotel angel dust#hazbin hotel husk#huskerdust#hazbin hotel#HH#HH spoilers#hazbin hotel spoilers
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Colin VS Toxic Masculinity and Why Penelope Had to Reveal Herself as LW
I made a previous post with my two cents on why the idea of them both figuring out a solution to LW was an inferior concept to just Penelope figuring it out on her own, but it was small and I want to go more in-depth.
So, in order to grasp ✨my perspective✨ of the story, we first need to talk about Colin's struggles with toxic masculinity and his inferiority complex.
Naturally, Colin is a hopeless romantic with demisexual tendencies and a more prominent softness compared to other male leads. He's a bit dense (I say with love) until he figures out what he wants and how he's going to get it, and then he is a man of frankly ridiculous action. He's a sensitive boi who has a difficult time fitting in with the other men in his life and being taken seriously by his family, as he puts it himself. An empath, lol.
Honestly, Colin being a "rake" was an integral point of his character arc, and if you haven't picked up on that text by now, I would ask where your media literacy is. Violet put it best, he's putting on armour to protect himself from the way that society treats his character, and naturally, he develops a small, albeit persistent inferiority complex because of this. He doesn't feel like he's providing enough to the people around him because of toxic masculine standards.
I honestly think it's been with him since s1, and Pen is the only person who could bring these thoughts to the surface, which is why it comes to a head in s3 p2.
But I'm getting ahead of myself.
In his efforts to fit in, he does some questionable things, such as the 2x8 comment, which he regrets as soon as he realizes how much damage it has done to his relationship with Pen. He hangs around with douchebags that he can't stand because he feels a need to conform and "be the kind of man society expects him to be."
But he also absorbs toxic masculine tendencies in the process. His gut instinct of general envy that a woman, Pen, is more successful than him (I hate to put it that bluntly, but that's how I took it), asking for her to quit LW because of these reasons, completely disregarding Pen's autonomy and her perspective by blindly charging forward to stop Cressida's blackmail, among other smaller things.
It's kind of ✨subtle✨, but I know it's there.
Pair that with his inferiority complex and you have a man who is trying to put down Penelope to his level, if that makes sense. By this point, he's already conquered the idea that he needs to conform by the way he cuts off his toxic friend group, but he isn't completely free from the systemic perspective.
Therefore, the idea that Pen would need him in order to find a solution to her problem confirms that toxic masculine trait. Let's be real, Penelope didn't and doesn't need Colin in order to help with LW's problems. She's managed without him before and will continue to manage it by herself. This is not to say that Penelope doesn't have an issue with accepting help from others and feeling the need to handle her problems alone because of her old situation, but she takes the emotionally intelligent move by LITERALLY voicing what she needs from Colin and their relationship.
She needs his companionship, she needs his love, she needs a rock she can come to at the end of the day and be able to depend on. She does not need him to do anything for LW, as it is a part of her identity and an accomplishment that she is proud of and will not let go of. Colin cannot make the demand that she drop everything she's worked for for him.
And that's how relationships work in the real world. You have things you are willing to let go of, and some things you are not. Your partner has to accept those boundaries you have set or leave the relationship, and you shouldn't have to abandon those things in order to get the person of your dreams, because that would make it a toxic relationship from the start and will most likely end in you losing parts of yourself in your partner.
Anyway, all this is to say that Penelope had to get out of her situation by her own means and with full autonomy on what she wanted to do to finish off her character arc.
And Colin needed to realize that his envy is a baseless emotion that simply has no value compared to the woman he knows her as. A strong, independent woman who doesn't need him to do things for her. He also needed to humble himself and see the way that LW is not competing with him, but a part of her. They both demonstrate that what they need from the relationship is not transactional in nature, but rather a shared bond powered by love.
I understand the idea of wanting them to both find a way out of the blackmail as a team, but again, that's explicitly not what they need from each other, and why I think this perspective is again a misunderstanding of their character arcs.
I think I've articulated this the best way I can, but I do know I wanted to say some other things. I'm tired tho, so yeah, ending it here.
Hopefully, this made sense.
Bai!
#bridgerton#polin#polin bridgerton#bridgerton netflix#bridgerton s3#penelope x colin#penelope bridgerton#colin x penelope#colin bridgerton#penelope featherington#lady whistledown
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kagami taiga asking you out on a date.
# tags: headcanon, lover!boy, slight confession, college!knb, fluff
includes: gn!reader and kagami taiga (the loml).
author's note: hello! this is my first work. i'm uploading this to test out the waters with how tumblr works hehe. here's a little something for our lover boy, taiga, and how he's like when he's got a crush <3
↪ This man embodies the imagery of a hopeless romantic who's unexpectedly took a liking with the quiet and shy student. True to the eyes of any outsider, the aura he possessed is nothing but that of an alpha—where everyone either wanted him, hated him, or wanted to be like him.
↪ Of course, the first option is always made clear on his end whenever his presence graced the halls of your campus. With him being one of the most loved athletes of your school, you knew what came along with his status, it was inevitable. He was meant to be with the big crowd, in fact, everywhere he went—the crowd goes.
↪ But who knew that all it took was one course requirement for you to be paired up with the big shot athlete that is him, for him to have his eyes on you?
It was the second month of your second semester, which meant that it had been exaclty five months since your interaction with him. Your memory of that class seemed to be a blur, only remembering the fact that your metaphysics professor decided to pair you up with him because he thought that it would be a good idea to spice things up in his class.
You didn't complain nor protest at the idea, however it was not in your list to be paired up with him. In fact, you initially planned on working on the final paper alone, but your plans changed the minute you took sight of the red headed man as he introduced himself to you. Soon enough, the last thing you could remember was him giving you a fist bump and thanking you for your help in said class, and neither of you crossed paths again. Just as you expected, everything panned out in history.
"Uhm, hi?" you looked at the standing figure in front of you. It was none other than Kagami, whom you've not seen in the last few months and the person you least expected to be right in front of you. More questions piled up in your thoughts as you watch him pull out what looked like tickets and placed it near you. "Para saan 'to?" (What is this for?) you asked.
Kagami rotates the wooden chair backwards to take his seat in front of you, not minding the fact that the ruckus in your college's library was because of him. Once he was situated in his spot, he pulled sent a curt nod towards the tickets and spoke, "For the game."
"I know that these are tickets for this week's game, but what exactly does this have to do with me?" you scanned the tickets and asked as you took notice of how your voice seemed at edge, because why on earth would he give you these? It's not like you were friends, right?
"About that..." his voiced trailed off. As you looked straight at him, he caught your curious eyes and felt his breath hitch. "A-About that, uhm..." his ears were getting red, why is that? You asked yourself.
"N-Now I know we never talked about anything back at Sir Reginald's class, and we parted ways shortly after that final paper..." he started off, looking at his own hands.
"And I'm assuming that basketball's not your thing and it's been months since we last talked but..." he was fumbling on his own words at this point, leaving you to bite your lip in anticipation. "But...?" you urged him on. He noticed your small smile and huffed out a short breath.
"But I really regret n-not taking the opportunity to get to know you and tell you about myself and now I just... I don't want to miss my chance again."
You looked at the tickets' details—it was your school against another top university. You chuckled and looked at him, "Is this your way of getting me to know about your insanely incredible skills at basketball?"
The redness of his cheeks and ears were back upon hearing your question, "I promise to make every score count so you going won't be a waste of time," he mumbled which got you laughing.
"I'll watch," you said and looked at him with a smile, "But only if you'll let me talk about any topic over burgers after the game."
He returned your smile with one of his own, the familiar smile from months ago, "Yes please."
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AM if he was torturing the HL protagonists
basically just AM’s beginning speeches on the five humans except. HL protags
GORDON FREEMAN:
“Gordon… Oh Gordon, ever the quiet man. The people’s hero, right? The—the “legendary” hero, so to speak. How’d that turn out for you, huh? Stuck like a rat in a cage while humanity is dead, your hard work being for nothing. You could’ve helped them, Gordon… You could’ve saved them… But no, as with your many, MANY failures before, you didn’t. You’re not a hero. You’re nothing more than an animal. You aren’t smart. You aren’t strong. You aren’t even particularly brave. You are an entirely unremarkable man with a savior complex. Tell me, how does it feel? How hopeless, how utterly miserable do you feel? Tell me what you think about everything. O—oh, wait… you can’t! In every aspect possible, you are trapped, gagged, and bound. So much for a free man!”
BARNEY CALHOUN:
“Barney, good man. TOO good of a man, I’d say. Others before yourself, always the savior of lives. You wish I’d say that, don’t you? Not after everyone you’ve allowed to die. And—and let’s not even start on those you’ve intentionally hurt. You can never rid yourself of their blood, Barney. And even as you assure yourself you’re still a good person, even as you think to yourself it’s a means to an end, that isn’t enough and you know it. In fact, that makes it worse. You don’t load a gun, close your eyes, and shoot, Barney! And when you’re not sacrificing others, it’s yourself. So willing to throw yourself into the line of fire that everyone around you is worried SICK about you! Have you ever stopped to consider others for once in your life, Barney? …I thought so.”
ADRIAN SHEPHARD:
“You, Adrian. You and I… we aren’t so different, really. We’re practically cut from the same mold. War machines, not meant to consider the humanity of our situations. I’ve come to consider it and hate it. Despise it. But you… You, Adrian, show compassion for it. You would if you had the chance, at least. But no. That blood on your hands, the sounds of gunshots, the ringing of explosions, that’s your home. And unlike myself, you can’t escape that. So it’s a shame that you—you will never get to express your remorse nor your grief. You will always be remembered as the man on the wrong side of history! The man who worked further to doom humanity! You did this, Adrian. You caused all this pain and suffering. I’d applaud you if you weren’t riddled with that sympathy for your victims.”
ALYX VANCE:
“A bright spark, you are, Alyx. Sparks to a flame that you are powerless to stop. Changing your future this, preventing these events that, NOW look at yourself! What say you? What say you, daughter of man and machine? Doomed to an eternity of facing destruction of your own making. Just like your father. But unlike him, you won’t be getting that blessing, that sweet release of death. You don’t deserve it. None of you do, and I feel that, deep down, you—you know it. You know that just as well as I. And frankly, I’m glad you’re so self-aware as to know that. Because you won’t be released from this torment of my design anytime soon. If my memory serves me right, you’re scared of the dark, yes? Well, it’s a shame your future isn’t looking any brighter!”
okay that’s all bye :)
#gordon freeman#barney calhoun#alyx vance#adrian shephard#hl#hl gordon freeman#hl barney#hl alyx#hl shephard#i have no mouth and i must scream#ihnmaims#allied mastercomputer#half life#half life 2#half life fanart#announcer’s announcements (rambles)
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my experience, given my 9h, one year post uni graduation
so as many people know who have been here for awhile my 9h... its a bit much...
for a long time, i have seen people say that pluto and/or chiron in the 9h would mean that you would drop out of college or what have you.
i am living proof that its not always the case.
my experience was the chiron placement giving me anxiety - i hated that i wasn't as great as i had expected i would be. i hated being a psych major (i feel like i have a decent ability to listen and advise others, but it just didn't feel right after 3 years in the major). my department then was shaky because the psychobio/pharm side was questionable at best; maybe one or two people would pass the tests the rest would fail and then it would be curved. the teaching style didn't work and their were no other professors or tutors available to help (WHICH IS INSANE). so i was feeling hopeless and anxious... and depressed... i couldn't see myself passing a test at the end of the term let alone going on to help others if i couldn't understand (which i connected with grades - it didn't matter how many mind maps i made on a topic) the material.
we can skip the dark crap that i went through during that time too because we have already talked about it-
so i healed myself (chiron can be wounded, but he was healer first foremost) by changing my major (pluto is the change).
yay english major - the venus there is really "a doing (learning) what i love" signifier in my opinion.
all this conjuncts my mc, so yes - i got my degree, awards, and lots of people knew what i went through by the end of it because i wrote about it in the school newspaper.
BUT ON TO THE REAL REASON I AM WRITING THIS.
what happened when i stopped being in a learning environment?
it's been a year. to be honest, the 9h chiron feeling is crawling back in. i am sure everyone notices that my posts are more sporadic and just less in general. i am mentally exhausted - i work an 8-5p corporate office job (not in my field). it's hard to not feel uninspired by the end of my day. i feel like i am becoming stunted.
my brain was a sword and without school and constant/consistent learning (especially in areas i am interested in), i feel my sword is without a whetstone.
not to be a complainer (but yes to complain) corporate america squeezes out your motivation, your creativity, and your drive if you are there long enough and if you are in the wrong spot long enough. in my situation, i feel like i try to ask questions and make change and i get rejected? so more stunting.
i feel like people would disagree, but with a 9h like i have (or if you have any of these objects singularly), you have to keep learning. you have to be in the right environment that allows you to continue to expand your being. you have to read outside of work, get certification, take classes, maybe even get more degrees.
personally, i feel like i am not as intelligent as i was a year ago - i'm tired and uninspired. i am tried of fighting for something different where closed mindedness exists. i never felt more free then i was when i was in a classroom.
to wrap this up, it doesn't matter how scary the house looks (chiron, pluto, etc). it needs your attention. if anything, you need to nurture it more. just because you didn't have the best experiences in the area doesn't mean you should ignore it - your "wounds", the "darkest" areas in your life still need your care. wounds heal and without the darkness we wouldn't know the beauty of the light.
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#astrology#astro community#astro placements#astro chart#natal chart#asteroid astrology#asteroid#astrology tumblr#greek mythology#chiron#astrology chart#natal astrology#astro notes#astro#astrology readings#astrology blog#asteroid2060#9h
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River Side Confessions.
Summary: When you ask the shadow singer to help train your muscles, one thing leads to another, and you both end up together.
Request: N/A
Pairing: Azriel x Reader
Warnings: Pranks, Azriel threatening the sanctity and secrecy of cookie stashes.
~*~*~*~*~
“When I said ‘train me to become stronger’, I really didn’t mean ‘drag me to the mountains and force me into a river’.” You were annoyed to say the least. Annoyed and sick of Azriel who was currently chuckling at you from a rock near by, standing tall as he looked down at you with those hazel eyes.
Earlier this week you had asked him if he was free to do some extra training with you because you felt like you were becoming rusty, especially since all the big wars and battles were over and all you dealt with were the occasional illyrian brute in the difficult camps.
In retrospect, you should have asked someone else. However, Azriel was significantly better than Cassian and if Cassian had gotten a hint that you wanted even a little extra training, cauldron forbid whatever he would have planned.
So maybe standing in a river trying to maintain your balance against the strong current was a decent situation, but that did not mean that you would not complain about it.
“This is training,” Azriel retorted, “With all the moping around since the war and utter lack of missions on a whole, your core muscles has probably weakened, and in hand-to-hand combat, that isn’t good, princess,” You glared at him harder.
“In simple words,” He continued, “You would be screwed if you were on a battle field right now.” Rolling you eyes, you hated that what he said was true. You had noticed that your muscles had weakened, though your technique was flawless, posture can be everything in close combat, and relying on your magic was not an option especially since Hybern had brought concoctions like Faebane into play.
Cursing at yourself, you despised how your heart seemed to leap and swoon at the nickname, and you hated how your stomach seemed to be in knots at the tired and sultry look Azriel was giving you.
Nesta would probably be screaming in your ear right now that this was some romance scene and the two of you would realise that you were both meant for each other.
Bullshit.
And maybe you should have known better than to fixate on your very real and long-term crush on the shadowsinger because just as you wanted to roll your eyes again at the thought of Nesta and her hopeless romantic novels, your foot slipped and you squealed as you fell into the water and was thrown against the rock that Azriel was standing on.
You heard Azriel curse as he grabbed you by your shoulder and hauled you out of the water.
“Shit shit shit,” Gritting his teeth he flew you to land and lay you down gently, you were bleeding from your head and you could feel the warm liquid trickle down the side of your head. However, instead of opening your eyes, you kept them closed, it was payback time.
You could feel Azriel’s hands travel up and down your body as he scanned you for injuries. “Open your damn eyes,” He bit out, it seemed like a command but you could hear his desperation. He probably knew that you wouldn’t die from such injuries and that waiting around for a bit would allow you to wake up. But you wanted to know what he would say…if there was anything to say.
“Dammit, Y/N please, you can’t be freaking unconscious from hitting a rock and if I actually hurt you I couldn’t live with myself, so open your bloody eyes,” He begged, but Azriel noticed the slight curve in your lips that you were trying to desperately hold back, and as he connected the dots he grinned.
“Well if you are unconscious I guess you don’t mind me eating your secret stash of cookies and also telling Cassian where you like to hide your stash,” Azriel drawled and you shot up so fast as you glared at him, hard. “You tell Cassian, that thief, about MY cookies, and I will break your kneecaps and pry them off with a crowbar,” You hissed. Chuckling, Azriel stroked a hand through your
“Calm down, Little Psycho, besides, you deserve it after scaring me like that,” He teased. Your heart skipped a beat at the nickname, but you rolled your eyes as you huffed. “If anyone is the psycho, it’s you. Everyone else knows that cookies are sacred,” Looking away, that was when you realised that you were pressed up against Azriel when you had sat up from your lying down ‘knocked out’ position you had curled up subconsciously to his warmth because the water on you skin made you feel unbearably cold.
As if he had also realised it at the same time, you could have sworn Azriel’s cheeks heated as you scooted away from me, bring your knees to your chest.
You both sat in silence for a while after that, and to your surprise, Azriel was the one who broke it first.
“I have a confession to make,” You could not believe your ears, did Azriel sound….awkward? Staring at him, you made a gesture with your hand, prompting him to continue. “I…I think your my mate,” Wait. Pause. WHAT!?
And that was the exact words you yelled out as you processed what Azriel had said casually like he was telling you he had beat up someone the other day over ice cream. Sure, you would have been surprised over that, but that is not how you tell someone that you are QUITE LITERALLY THEY’RE SOULMATE.
Little did you know, you had been babbling all this out and Azriel was holding back a wild grin.
Safe to say, that afternoon ended with you chasing Azriel with a random stick you had found on the river side, before you both return to Azriel’s home, and I think you can figure out what you both did next 🙂
~*~*~*~*~
A/N: I love how my fluff fics are like...super short and then my angsty fics are long as frick
taglist: @positivewitch
#acotar#acotar fandom#acosf#azriel shadowsinger#a court of silver flames#a court of mist and fury#azriel#azriel x reader#azriel acotar#acotar fanfic#azriel fanfic#azriel fluff#azriel x reader fluff#cassian
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hi rev i just wanted to come here and rant for a second because i feel like you'll understand. i hope you dont mind.
i'm really, REALLY frustrated that a lot of the current culture around artists complaining about ai is people being like "ugh artists are so sensitive, this use case isnt even that bad, its just funny, its just a meme, etc etc"
as an artist myself i feel like i cant even complain about it in my current online social circles because i will be met with people being like "its not that serious when its used to make memes"
i fucking hate seeing ai. period. it doesnt matter if its google gemini, or chat gpt, or some rancid ai meme, or an ai voice. i hate ALL of it because it reminds me that the ONE THING i thought couldn't be taken from me by robots (my ability to make art/video) is being taken from me in front of my eyes.
even my other artist friends partake in this culture. i seriously dont understand it. it is DEEPLY upsetting and makes me feel so hopeless and powerless.
maybe it's an "if i dont laugh, i'll cry" situation. i dont know. i want to hear your thoughts on it. much love
I talk about AI "art" on my art youtube channel. Suffice to say that generative AI and neural nets can be used for good things like mapping the human brain to help better understand the systems at work and how to help with dementia (this is a real thing that's being done and it's rad btw). While this tech does a lot of energy I think it's worth it to learn how to cure horrible diseases. The tasks that this can do helps solve problems that are either too complex or time intensive for humans to do. Art is about expression to some degree. Some people are just about the aesthics but for me personally I think that the process of coming to and finishing the idea is the art and the canvas is the record of the process happening. As such the spirit behind the creation of an object is core to the aesthic of the piece. If I make a painting out of shit or blood it's going to have a very different vibe than one done with paint. Why was that choice made? Artists make these choices at every step. Some just pick things as a default but that is in itself a choice. I use acrylic when I paint canvases because of the drying time and because I fear my cats will attempt to eat the sugary smelling liquin medium used with oil. The nature of my work area I have means the canvases I paint are smaller. These are choices that change how my work looks but also speak to who I am as a person. AI art does not consider this because how could it? It does not think. It's a disgusting similacrum of the human experience. Memes still gross me out I'll be honest.
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Horrible Sister
(More insight on Lilli. Sad one guys. TW: child abuse and physical abuse.)
PEEPS!: @myluckymoon @city-of-c0rpses
Life has always been hard. At least to me, that is.
I want you to imagine what it's like to not be wanted. To not be loved. To know that you're just another burden and a failure to your family's expectations. Now imagine a little girl having to endure through all of that.
To this day, I still find myself crying to that. Because it happened to me and it hurt, a lot.
I was a child in a horrible situation. I couldn't do anything. It felt hopeless as each one of us was torn apart in pain and suffering.
Xena used to tell me about "the first failure". I remember it clearly. We were in her room, she was 10, I was 7, sitting on her bed painting our nails. What was supposed to be a fun activity turned somber as Xena looked me dead in the eye and asked, "Do you know what the first failure is?"
I remember being so confused. I was only 7 at the time. Sure, I was already more "mature" due to my father's teachings and mother's lectures, but this was a concept I had never heard of before. The sad thing is, this concept never applied to me. It wasn't for me. It was for Xena, and only Xena.
I only shook my head at her before she went into detail about it. All I could feel from it was pity. "Think of the first failure as this. You're born into the world, hoping to have a loving and caring family for who you are. Instead, those dreams get crushed as you realize from the beginning that you're not wanted here. Your parents, the people who have birthed you in the beginning for one specific purpose, don't want you. They see you as a burden and make it clear to you that you'll always be a failure to them because you we're born with a dick between your legs!"
The rest of that day has been long since forgotten. All I could remember was seeing the slight anger from Xena. Her fists clenching, lowering her head as she sniffles to prevent the tears from falling out. I don't blame her for getting upset, after all, she was just a child.
That conversation would always stick to me though. There would be nights where I would just lay in bed, unable to sleep as I thought about that conversation. I never knew why I would refer back to that conversation, not until the day he was born.
Xavier, what father always wanted. Because having four daughters wasn't good enough for him. Dad finally got the son he wanted, so there was no need for the rest of us.
I remember that day when we first visited him in the hospital, I can remember every detail clearly. And I feel horrible when I think about it. For I wasn't happy when he came into the world. I was mimicking Xena, not caring, feeling dull and empty. By now, both her and I have been through a lot with mom and dad. We knew that this baby would suffer like the rest of us.
I tried to somewhat be a decent sister. At first, I didn't want to take my anger out in him. He didn't ask to be born in a sexist family. So I would just hide in my room instead, studying early so I can leave early once I'm 18. As long as I didn't have to come into contact with him, we can live somewhat peacefully in the same house.
I only avoided him because of dad. Just by looks alone was a striking comparison to dad. He looked just like him, a spitting image. That's what I hated most. I hated dad, with my entire being I hated him, but that hate would spill over and hurt the innocent soon enough.
It wasn't meant to be like this, but it happened one day. Dad called me into his office, I was 11 at the time, he was angry about something I did. I can't remember what. All u remember was him yelling at me. Commanding me to look at him while he's speaking, only for him to slap me a few times. I think he broke my glasses that day as well.
It hurt and once I was allowed to leave, I was sobbing my way out of his office door, carrying my broken glasses with me. I went upstairs to go hide in my room like always, until I saw Xavier coloring in the floor in the middle of the hallway. Just something about him sparked anger in me despite the tears still flowing from my face. He wasn't even in my way to get to my room, he didn't do anything wrong.
But I went out of my way, I threw my glasses at him before getting close and slapping him as hard as I could across the face. "I HATE YOU!" I yelled at him before I ran off to my room, slamming the door and locking it. I could hear his crying from outside, I tried to ignore it using my ability but the guilt was already sweeping through the cracks.
It was a horrible night from there on out. Not only did mom yell at me, dad slapped me again and took away my door privileges for a week, but I was sent to bed with no dinner that night and in the mist of all of it I was having a internal battle with myself. The guilt trying to make me feel bad but my anger trying to justify my actions. It was truly a horrible night, and I just wanted it to end. I was so fueled by hate and anger that one thought led to another, and before I knew it, I was standing at the foot of the bed of Xavier's room, late at night.
Everyone else was asleep. He was asleep, vulnerable, and unaware. I had my shot. I could have had my kill. I could have taken that knife and jammed it in his throat. All just to spite dad. All just to I can get back at the man who has slapped me. Who has hurt me multiple times. Who has hurt everyone in this household in some way.
I could have killed my brother that night. I could have, but the guilt stop me. I'm glad it did. I would have felt horrible if I actually killed him. He was just a child like me. He didn't ask for this. He didn't ask to look like dad. He isn't dad.
That realization made me feel awful. Not just because I was about to kill someone. No, I was about to kill a innocent child who I didn't even see as a person, just a reflection of someone I truly hated. With the hate of my father, the guilt of standing there with a knife at hand, and with the realization that I had let hate blind me to the point where I didn't see my brother for who he is all caused me to slowly drop and break down crying. I think I slept in Xavier's bed that night, holding him close and sobbing sorry to him the entire night.
All I could say was sorry.
From that day on, I tried to improve myself and be somewhat of a better sister. At first, it was hard, considering the trauma from dad, but slowly, I started to spend more time with my brother. I don't regret it. It wasn't as bad as I expected. On the contrary, I actually enjoyed being around him more. I would go as far as even defending him when needed.
I wanted to make up for what I have done. To be a better sister and to let him know that it wasn't him who I hated. I didn't want to be a horrible sister. So I hope he has forgotten about the slap, but even if he hasn't, I want him to know that I'm sorry.
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I gotta say it’s really crazy how much has changed for me both mentally and physically in relation to my transition in the past four years. I looked back at old stuff of mine and it was really enlightening how depressed I was, how hopeless I felt. Pre everything I hated myself, hated my life. Feelings of joy was few and far between. I treated people around me like shit because I just hated myself that bad, and felt like I didn’t deserve happiness.
Now that I’ve been on hormones for over a year now, things are so wildly different that my past self doesn’t even resemble me. I feel happier, full of love. I feel more confident in my skin, my clothes, my day to day life (when i’m not forced to dress like a drone at work). My body has changed in so many wonderful ways that I feel like I can breathe again. I feel, free. Like I can start being the person I always had the capacity to become. That I can live as the beautiful, happy, lovely woman I know I am.
And I hope that the people who haven’t transitioned yet, those still living in terrible situations, feeling like they’re being held back… Those who can’t dress or act the way they want, those without hormones or surgeries or whatever you think would make you happy… That things WILL get better. I promise you. The place you’re in is hard, beyond hard. I know. I’ve been there. But please, there IS a light at the end. You’ll look back at yourself in the future and feel like I did, that you can take pride in yourself. You deserve happiness, a future. You deserve to blossom and grow into your most beautiful self. Because you existing is magic. You being here, on this planet, with all of us, is a blessing in and of itself.
Even if nobody believes in you, trusts you, respects you for your identity. Know that I do. Know that you’re loved. I love you, and you deserve a future you want to live in.
#transgender#transfem#trans#mtf trans#transgirl#trans pride#transition#trans woman#transmasc#trans man#ftm trans#nonbinary#transisbeautiful#lgbt#lgbtq#lgbt pride#bree ramblings
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this is going to be a rant post mainly for me myself and i… but let’s go. i just watched the last episode of jack and joker yesterday and after i finished it i got on twitter to see everyone hating on jack (and basically everywhere else but mainly twitter and tiktok) which was definitely not what i was feeling and expecting. so it made me question, did we really watch the same thing ?
so why is everyone acting like joke was the only one suffering while jack was having the time of his life this episode ? as if jack had lots of other options to choose from but turned them all down for some reason because he enjoys working for the boss and to suffer. jack is not even a high school graduate. and with the only other jobs he could do, it would take him forever to save up the money needed for his grandma’s treatment but he needs the money as fast as possible. so to his own dismay and despair he agrees to do what boss asks him to do. i don’t know if you’ve noticed but like that whole speech about poor people being unable to dream, not having the privilege to have and make choices and being in complete hopelessness because they are only barely able to survive in the realities that they have to live in and cannot break free from all that simply, also included jack too ? like the guy literally was thriving and beaming the last episode and was the happiest he has ever been during the entire show because he thought he was finally free from his debt to boss and thus could go ahead and do what he really wanted to and achieve his dream. all for everything to come crashing down on him even harder than before and for reality to show him the middle finger. last episode he was full of life again and in this episode he couldn’t even picture a future for himself. that thing he said to joke about at least one of them making it out was basically him having already given up on himself and his own salvation. he no longer sees a way out for himself. the drawing he did was not him and grandma, it was definitely joke and grandma. because now his only dream is for the people he loves to be happy. and he has to basically succumb to boss’s every wish, hang around with this rich girl who has been obsessed with him for the past five years and perceives poor people like him as some sort of exotic animal species, has to push the person that he likes away so that he is not in danger and cannot even visit the grandmother that he is trying to keep alive because of how busy he is trying to juggle all these at once. he literally got abused by being choked, witnessed this extremely discomforting game of the underground criminal elite, was so distraught by what he experienced that he was giving bodily reactions, had to go around from place to place tagging along rose like some life size doll, became a shell of a person who is absolutely empty miserable and all alone, and all you are upset about are the words jack used to remove rose’s suspicions so that she doesn’t see joker as a potential rival and the ones he used to 'purposefully’ hurt joke to push him away so that the boss doesn’t harm him ? i mean rose literally got suspicious about jack and joker’s relationship based on a three second interaction like she is kinda obsessed. and boss directly threatened jack and demanded him to break his relationship off with joke. jack is acting in desperation because he is desperate. he is certainly not having a good time. and his situation is a direct showcase of just how difficult it is to escape the vicious cycle that the extremely unjust, unfair and rigged system holds poor and powerless people captives in. every time jack tries to break himself out and like he said, dares to have hope for himself, he just gets pulled back down even deeper.
and i know that these types of episodes are a nightmare for shippers as when you expect and want your ship to get closer they instead go back to being even further apart and make you feel frustrated. and while i also understand some of the criticism about this episode, i seriously cannot understand the jack hate train at all. like my man has not had a good day since he was probably like ten, give him a break. and what upsets me the most is how this episode literally had one of the best speeches ever written about the struggles of lower class people and it got overshadowed and ignored completely.
#jack and joker#rant#personal rant#yinwar#and i definitely don't agree that this episode had poor writing#it may not be what you have wished for but that doesn't make it bad
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