#I was feeling kinda off yesterday
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*dies*
Sans comfort page
#heed his words of comfort!!#I was feeling kinda off yesterday#so I mellowed it out with simp art lmao#i didn’t really clean it up or take care of proportions- hope it still looks alright#sans#undertale#sans x you#first thing I actually post after two weeks lol#whoops#silly art#explodes
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me watching the new fallout series: idk about this ghoul, i think they tried to make him too good looking of a monster, idk if it's working for me
*they show a flashback of this character pre-ghoul* also me: oh no he's much hotter as a ghoul, his pretty ghoul face is growing on me -pause in realization, turn to my partner- omg i'm such a monster fucker i'm so sorry
my partner, sitting next to me: i made my peace with this long ago...
#fallout#fallout tv show#fallout series#fallout amazon#ghoul#monster fucker#he's not hancock but he's okay#i think it's b/c they chose not to give them fully blacked out demon-y eyes that it feels a little off#but i get it the actor's gotta emote#anyway the series dropped yesterday and i've already watched 5 episodes#oh a sad monster man with a tattered gunslinger aesthetic? yes ty that is exactly my jam#it's pretty good#i also love lucy as the main protagonist like she's got the most feral final girl energy and it's very good#fallout series spoilers#slight spoilers#maximus is kinda fascinating too like he's not entirely likeable but you still want to see what happens next#they def nailed the fallout aesthetic and sense of humor tho#text post#the ghoul
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hello, i have a question. what is the difference betwwen a hard and a dangerous racer? is there some sort of characteristics like how succesful a racer is or is more of a "a dangerous racer races on the limit and that's dangerous. a hard racer races on the limit but. its just a hard racer". thank you for answering!
completely in the eye of the beholder, I'm afraid. it's a perpetual debate, and one where everyone draws the line differently... very much a case of one man's dangerous manoeuvre is another one's hard but fair overtake... that being said! I'll have a go at coming up with a general framework with which people assess this stuff
let's bring in two strawmen, which feels like the most direct way to illustrate the possible stances you can take on this debate. to be clear, nobody really fits neatly in either ideological category - but, well, these are pretty much the two most extreme positions anyone could have:
when people are describing something as 'hard racing' (as opposed to... idk, 'clean' racing), they are usually talking about a) contact between the two bikes, and/or b) an action that forces the other bike to take evasive action. what constitutes forcing evasive action? well, this is all very nebulous and hard to define - there's crossing another rider's racing line, making them pick up the bike mid-corner, forcing them wide/off-track, not yielding in situations where one of you will have to yield to avoid a crash... but this is always an assessment that will depend on the specific circumstances. not every block pass is considered hard racing, for instance, even though you are quite literally 'blocking' the other bike. contact is the more straightforward one... if you initiate a move that leads to contact, then most people would agree this is 'hard' racing
so say you are in the 'A' camp. according to this line of thinking, pretty much every contact is 'dangerous' riding and should not be allowed. here's what gibernau said about jerez 2005, included in the sete post:
let's not discuss the merits of the jerez 2005 move specifically here - this is an expression of a broader ideological position. "this is not a contact sport" "it's not about hitting another guy"... so, according to this stance, actions that knowingly result in contact should not be acceptable and as a result need to be penalised. taken to the logical extreme, any and all 'hard racing' is dangerous
let's go to the other extreme, 'B'. let's say you're very pro-hard racing, to the point where you think that contact is more than fine and that it is unreasonable to call it 'dangerous'. sure, of course it is dangerous, but inherently all motorcycle racing has a lot of risk attached. racing that involves contact is basically acceptable. even within this extreme, my lovely venn diagram allows for some actual 'dangerous' riding - either behaviour that is wholly irresponsible during races... or stuff that doesn't count as hard racing because it's not 'racing'. here are some examples:
stuff that happens during races but is like... egregious misbehaviour. cf romano fenati pulling a rival's brake lever during a race - obviously dangerous and no longer really exists within the confines of actual racing
in either races or non-race sessions - not following proper safety procedures like for instance ignoring yellow flags. again, should be pretty obvious why that's dangerous
poor behaviour in non-race sessions,the general tag for not exhibiting appropriate care, awareness for your environment, all that stuff... the extreme example is marc barrelling into the back of another rider after the chequered flag had been waved in friday practise at phillip island 2011 (more on that here). it's also things like faffing about on the racing line, see the pecco mugello dramatics
so, yes, everyone will agree that there's some stuff that counts as 'dangerous riding' that's distinct from 'hard racing' just because it's not actual racing. that's the most straightforward stuff... but yeah, anyway, those are basically the two extreme positions you can take. you can say that all contact is bad and dangerous, that any time you're forcing another rider to take evasive action and are making a pass that isn't 1000% clean, you are putting others at unnecessary risk. or, you can say, hey, everything goes, rubbing is racing on steroids - sure, there's a small category of things that aren't acceptable, mainly stuff that isn't actually racing, but otherwise you should be allowed to brute force yourself past riders whenever you please
obviously, they're strawmen for a reason. basically nobody holds either of these positions in their entirety - and in race situations, there's always going to be actions that are seen as hard racing by some and as dangerous by others. so, unfortunately, we're going to have to dig a little deeper here, and figure out by what metrics people draw the line between hard and dangerous. let's... hey, how about we bring in casey stoner, just this once. as a treat. here's what he said after laguna '08:
“I’ve been in hard racing all my life, some very aggressive racing, but today was a little bit too much. I nearly went in the gravel so many times and I don’t think it was necessary.”
hard racing? casey's done that before. some very aggressive racing? no issue. but what valentino did at laguna was "a little bit too much" and not "necessary". the specific thing casey cites is nearly going into the gravel - and indeed, forcing other riders wide/off-track is one of the types of racing behaviour that most finely straddles the line between 'hard' and 'dangerous'. for other examples, see suzuka 2001 in which biaggi forced valentino off-track and valentino flipped him off when he eventually got past (a few more details here), qatar 2012 where marc forced luthi off-track and got slapped after the race (here) and sepang 2015, where... uh. you know. or how about argentina 2018 where... look, I think you get the point - plenty of controversy comes from forcing your opponent's bike into places where it's simply not supposed to be
while we're at it, let's throw in a little excerpt from casey's autobiography about the race:
A lot of it was fair racing, he was out-braking me on the inside and riding better than me around a lot of the track. If it had all been like that I would cop it sweet. But a couple of moves off camera added to my frustration. I risked running off the track, and racing at the limits like that as we were I even became worried about my safety.
(does have to be said that the pair of them spend... relatively little time off-camera, never when the bikes seem to be particularly close - but of course the problem this statement creates is that by definition you can't judge any footage you don't have access to)
so, let's strip away the details and think about what casey is actually talking about here. it's a risk/reward calculation. this is what's at the heart of this riding standards debate: what level of risk is acceptable for what level of reward? there are situations in which there is inherently a higher level of risk in a way that isn't caused by either party - influenced by the circuit layout, what the weather is like, how hard you're both pushing aka how much on the 'limit' you are, and so on. but even if that risk isn't your 'fault', if you are riding at very high speeds on a dangerous track, you can still be considered a dangerous rider if you're not exercising appropriate levels of caution
so, let's break it down even further and try and come up with some basic criteria by which people judge whether a specific move is 'hard' or 'dangerous'. how about this: (1) does the action have a reasonable chance of coming off, (2) is the risk you're taking proportionate to the reward, and (3) is the move likely to cause serious harm to you or the other rider. let's take them one by one
listen, it needs to be plausible that you're going to be able to pull this move off. if you're firing the bike from fifty miles back into a gap that doesn't exist, then this is by definition an unnecessary risk. you are not going to do yourself any good and you are also not going to do the other rider any good. (sometimes it might be in your interest to crash the other rider out so you might as well, but unsurprisingly this is frowned upon. see the 1998 250cc title decider.) obviously, this is going to be affected by your skill level - if you're a mid rider, there will be fewer moves that are 'plausible' for you than for the best riders
this is basically the common sense metric. if you are riding in a pack, make sure to keep in mind that crashing in this situation could get ugly. if you are fighting for p5, maybe a different approach is fitting than fighting for p1. if you can make an overtake a lap later as long as you're patient, in a way that's a lot safer than doing it now, perhaps just do that instead. don't be silly in the wet! this comes down to stakes, whether it's worth it, how likely the move is to succeed... and also what the consequences would be if you got it wrong, for both yourself and other riders. you're making an overall judgement based on all of those factors... sometimes you need to take risk, but it's better to make sure that risk is reasonably sensible
however high the potential rewards are, there's a certain level of risk that is no longer acceptable, where the 'risk/reward calculation' stuff has to be thrown out of the window because the reward no longer matters. this is basically the catch-all for 'wholly irresponsible riding' - anything that's just going too far
so, uh. obviously everything described above is super subjective... but that's what people are judging in my opinion, this is the standards they are using in their head to determine where they draw the line. so, as an example, to bring back the stuff from this post about the inter-alien ideological differences:
and again, this is also what the debate after aragon 2013 was about:
if you think aragon 2013 is unacceptable to the point of being dangerous, then you probably take quite a hard line view and think pretty much any action that could lead to contact needs to be stamped down on. while that contact did have unpleasant consequences for the other party (dani wasn't able to walk for several days and his title bid was basically over), it is perhaps a little worse than could have been reasonably expected in that situation. in that sense, there's a bit of surface level similarity with jerez 2005... there, valentino made the pass for the win at the last corner, knowing he would probably bump into sete while doing so. neither rider is knocked off their bike (though sete has to leave the track) and it is at a slow corner, with relatively 'light' contact. unfortunately, as a result of where valentino's bike impacted sete's body and sete's preexisting shoulder issues, it ended up injuring sete (see here for valentino learning of this perhaps a little later than was ideal and only after he'd taken the piss out of sete for dramatically clutching his arm). at aragon 2013, marc was harrying dani and sticking very close to his rear tyre as he applied pressure to his teammate before he made a small misjudgement, getting his braking a little wrong and clipping the back of dani's bike. he happened to cut a crucial wire in the process, causing dani to highside a few moments later
these aren't equivalent situations and each have their own risk/reward profile. but the basic point is this: inviting contact with another rider will always generate more risk, and can always have unintended consequences... even when the action is relatively innocuous and the rider would not have expected this outcome. if you are in the 'all passes should be clean passes' school, this risk is fundamentally unacceptable. even trickier - what if contact is made as a result of a move you initiated but the other rider could have avoided? of course, you started it, but they could have yielded... and maybe they should have, maybe that would have been the wise, the sensible thing to do in that situation. it's always important to remember that at least two riders are involved in all these situations - and there are many cases where contact and/or crashing is not 100% the fault of any one party. so, for instance, there are several moments in laguna 2008 that are so risky in part because casey is also refusing to yield. that's not to necessarily imply any blame or fault! of course, it might not be ideal for the most aggressive riders being able to bully everyone else as they please because they know they can generally rely on everyone else being more sensible and yielding. but the differing outcomes resulting from the choices made by the 'other' rider will always help influence perception of any race situation - a move that is seen as 'hard but fair' might have been seen as considerably more dangerous if the other party hadn't yielded
and yes... yes, there is absolutely a question of your success rate. this links back to point (1) - is the move plausible? there are moves that aren't really considered examples of 'hard racing' and certainly not dangerous... because they worked. take valentino's last corner move at catalunya 2009, at a corner where you don't traditionally overtake (remember, before the race jorge was going around tempting fate by saying that if you're ahead by that point you're sorted). sure, he goes for a gap that exists, but it could easily have gone wrong - and if a lot of other riders had tried that, then it would have. how do you think yamaha would have felt if valentino had taken both yamaha riders out at the very end of the race to allow ducati to claim an unlikely victory and an increased championship lead? here's another one: misano 2017 and marc making a last lap move in treacherous conditions to snatch the win. no contact required to make that risky as shit - and if stuff like that goes wrong too often they call you an idiot at best and dangerous at worst. of course, both valentino and marc have had moments where they very much did not pull off moves they were intending, which is how we get ambition outweighing talent and 'I hope he can learn from this one and improve for the future', among other hits. but, relative to the amount of risk they're regularly taking in their racing, they get a lot of reward for their troubles... because they're very good at what they do. the risk/reward calculation is one that they... uh, can both be very adept at, but it's also one that's fundamentally easier when you're skilled enough to pull off a lot of moves that would be beyond the capabilities of other riders. it's when you don't know how to judge your moments, when you keep trying moves that you can't pull off - that's where other riders will start having a problem with you
which is where we get to reputation! how different incidents are judged will also depend on the existing reputations of the riders involved and whether they are seen as 'fair' racers or not (an even more nebulous term, if possible), versus hard racers, dangerous racers... often, this is a question of quantity too - with certain riders on the grid, you will notice they're involved in controversial incidents disproportionately often. how likely people are to pay you the benefit of the doubt... how likely they are to believe you as to what your intent was in a certain situation, perhaps the most nebulous concept of them all. 'hard' and 'dangerous' aren't assessments that are made in isolation, and how severely riders are judged will often depend on their pasts and how those pasts are perceived by others
where you get into really sticky territory is... okay, both valentino and marc have more often than not (arguably) been able to stay on the right side of 'the line', where their moves might be hard but aren't putting anyone else in active danger - but that's because they are at least theoretically capable of exhibiting a good sense of judgement and are also good at what they're doing, as covered above. here's a question: do they bear any responsibility for when younger and/or worse riders copy their moves and/or general approach to racing, with worse consequences? when they have been criticised, when they are called dangerous, at times it's not just what they're doing in the moment... it's what they're inspiring. so you've got stuff like this from sete:
even more drastically than that, after the death of a fifteen year old rider in supersport in 2021, one of his fellow rider said this about marc (which marc unsurprisingly strongly pushed back on):
(just worth remembering, this is a rider who did walk away from the sport as a result and was clearly deeply affected by what happened - the marc comments were part of a longer statement that got overshadowed by this part and the resulting controversy)
setting aside the merits or lack thereof of these specific assertions, what of the general questions they raise... can you be a dangerous rider in an indirect fashion like this, by the very nature of your legacy? are riders who helped bring about a more aggressive baseline standard of racing in any way responsible for anything that happens as a result of this standard? (even worse, there's a line of succession here - after all, who was marc's biggest inspiration?) or does individual responsibility reign supreme here? athletes are by design only interested in their own successes, aren't they - and 'legacy' is so abstract, how can anyone know how others will be influenced by what they do? how can we even begin to assess how big an influence individual riders really are? let's not forget that there will be other factors - riders in the past have discussed how particular characteristics of the moto2 class have bred more aggressive racing, or the influence of the size of motogp bikes, or how difficult it is these days to overtake in a completely 'clean' manner, or the rules themselves and to what extent they have actually been enforced etc etc... maybe there's also an element of people focusing on the easiest, most visible explanation in the form of star riders, without giving proper consideration to the underlying factors that will influence an era's style of riding. again, how you feel about all of this will vary from person to person - but part of the hard vs dangerous debate is inherently forward-looking. and it's hardly just legacy... your hard/dangerous moves may also be setting a precedent in the present. to what extent is it the duty of riders to worry about that?
so then, that's what I've got. how you draw the distinction between hard racing and dangerous riding will come down to your individual ideological position and what you think racing even entails. do you think all contact is objectionable? do you think only the most extreme of transgressions - most of which don't qualify as 'racing' per se - should be labelled dangerous? somewhere in between? everyone will draw the line in a different place, according to the situation and their individual biases and understanding of events. it comes down, generally speaking, to how you judge the risks and rewards of a certain move, whether you think what a rider attempted was 'worth' it. all of which depends on whether the rider could realistically have managed whatever action they were attempting, whether the potential rewards were proportionate to the risks, or whether the whole thing was just too flat out dangerous to ever be worth it... of course, none of these are objective standards by which you can assess the racing, but they should give you a rough indication of what people are even talking about when they're distinguishing between hard and dangerous racing. riders as individuals are also far from consistent in their stances (surely not!) so you do have to play it by ear a lot of the times... and while there are plenty incidents where the majority can agree whether it is 'hard' or 'dangerous', there are plenty more where you're going to get a lot of contradictory opinions. no definitive answers here - unfortunately a lot of the time you'll just have to make your own mind up
#is this actually coherent? please write in if it's not coherent#tried to mostly stick to examples I've discussed elsewhere but still feels a bit short on details in places... kinda wishy washy... eh. idk#this is SUCH a vibes thing I cannot stress enough what a vibes thing this is#please don't judge the venn diagrams they were made in two minutes in google slides... not my best work but it'll have to do#smolnerdz#motogp#//#brr brr#batsplat responds#I do find this stuff really tricky myself because. okay so you might not have noticed this but I'm rather fond of both marc and valentino#and I clearly do derive quite a lot of enjoyment from their racing not *in spite* but *because* of their aggression#which is all well and good but it's healthy to always just... engage with the other side of things. ruminate on it a bit#a morally tricky sport to engage with in lots of ways - doesn't mean it all has to be done in only the most self-flagellating of ways#but personally I do feel like you shouldn't just. shut yourself off from the critiques. idk it IS a dangerous sport with real victims#and yet several of the races I've mentioned here made it to a list of my all time favourite races I posted *yesterday*. so now what hm#anyways#current tag
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arm
#wips#I feel pretty good today so I should be able to work on comms a bit longer than yesterday#Sending them out is another thing entirely bc my internet is just kinda. moody on and off constantly
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i feel like it’s kinda dumb but i’ve ALWAYS been weird about touch even when i want it…there’s always been some aspect of exchanging touch casually / familiarly that has never really “clicked” for me. like, i remember being young and seeing people/friends casually lean on or touch each other’s arms or pull each other close and it always felt like a language i couldn’t speak or learn. i think a lot of this had to do with being a closeted / kinda repressed kid / teen but it felt & sometimes feels frustrating. i felt very monstrous for a long time. i think there are years that have passed in my life where the time spent touching or being touched could be condensed into a handful of hours, if not less. much less the case now because i’ve got to a point where i’ll crawl around on franklin for fun & i get friends to roughhouse sometime. anyway, this problem exists to a much lesser extent today but i still notice & feel it but last night during a song a bar friend who i’ve known for, hell, five years peered over my shoulder and we leaned our heads against each other and sang and it, like, did something to me. also hugs are easy but i got kind of a long one from a new friend!
anyway, i am maybe not entirely made of spikes and fire
#exception to this was in middle school we’d punch each other playfully and it kinda became the only way i would do this and#i still do this#it catches people off guard sometimes and i’ve had people be like “ow? hello?’’#i’ve gotten good at doing it Way Less hahaha#the first time i did it to someone outside of my middle school friend group someone got kinda upset with me i felt bad#exception in adult life is mosh pits lol#omg wait i remember a couple years ago when i was getting my first covid shot my housemate held my hand and it was such a massively#impactful way to be cared for bc i’d come to feel like my body was an uncrossable barrier (outside of like. sex really)#anyway#i am happy and excited this morning! it’s been a hard week i’m happy to feel this way today#and i’m thankful for yesterday and the way it played out
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Monster High March, Day 7: Draw Abbey in the Snow
Abbey my beloved.
#monster high#monster high march#abbey bominable#monster high abbey#snow#winter#had kind of an off day yesterday so i skipped posting#but here tis!#and i have something for later today too#anyway my one tiny pet peeve about abbey is that her outfits often dont actually seem Warm#i guess since she's a yeti she might not feel cold the same way#but as a canadian the idea of walking in the snow with exposed legs and open toed shoes is kinda horrifying JLKFDSJALK#all that to say#i wanted to draw her being cozy in a thick knit sweater uwu#honestly this is probably one of my fave drawings so far#solstrix draws
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well how about i disappear into the wilderness and live off of berries for the rest of my life. how about that HMMMM
#things have just not been working out for me this week & had like three plans collapse on me in quick succession and i'm kinda over it lol#plus like. the crushing loneliness thing. like yeah i hung out with ppl yesterday and monday but something feels off all the time#delete later
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that moment you find out you forgot to end the free trial of the "plus plan" on the reader program you use and now have to pay them $110
All i wanted to do was have a year where I could easily listen to my friends long info dumps abt characters I'm going to explode
#vent#vent post#well...this sure sucks ass#kinda just feel numb rn#it dosent help that is That Time so my emotions are wacky#i have the money but god damn this has entirely thrown off the budgeting I had mathed out yesterday for the next 2months
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🪞
#yesterday i was at a shop to buy earrings and there were really some good ones but i didn't purchase any#1. they were very costly i think the generalised price of trinket like stuff is crazy#2. i can't figure out when or how ill accessorize them#the shopkeeper said very politely you're not able to buy anything because you don't want to and ive been think thats both true and not#i need to level up and wear accessories i mean seriously#no one does in my batch so i kinda feel putting too much effort and coming off as extra between them#but ill have to give it a try
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You are very strong for helping the chicken when there was nothing else you could do. Also there is a certain level of realism I feel that can potentially be too much.
Oh yeah totally, i hope bily is the right balance of like "can't keep watching, can't look away" kind of macabre you know.
#i know there was nothing else to be done#but i kinda hate that i had to do it like#just yesterday i was laughing when she was eating the tomatos off of the floor in the garden#she crouched down when i walked passed to get some pets because she loved to be pet#right before i killed her she was looking at me and cooing and i could kinda tell#that she was saying that she loved me and that she understood#she let me pet her all the time and liked it#last night after i tried to soak away the infection i blow dried her because she started shaking pretty immediately#and she closed her eyes and just made that little cooing noise again and was like 'wow this feels good'#i'm happy i gave her another moment of feeling good#she had a good life#she got to roam and be happy for her whole life
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Hello! I'm here with ~another~ text post!
I unfortunately had assumed "ah yes, The Anxiety" has been my problem recently but in fact, no. It was The Depression! (or a combo, super likely!) Due to this, I will be taking a brief mental break from posting art here. The break may be three days, might be a week. Truly a mystery even to me.
I will be drawing daily so when I return I should have multiple pictures to show off which I will separate in posts by fandom. Drawing really helps calm me down unless I get to the point where it feels like a performance obligation which it currently feels like.
I appreciate your patience and I hope to be okay enough to be back soon.
(also, my ask box on this blog has been disabled until I return)
#moe talks a lot#not art#i feel like a take like some random mental health week every year but hey it helps take pressure off#and if i dont have to worry about pleasing everyone then i start to doodle more - at least in the past#sorry for all my anxious tags yesterday i just kinda like uh#dont have the energy to do much except think so my thoughts kinda spiral outta control and zone in#on like one silly little topic and one silly little comment ive gotten in the past#and if you follow me on twitch and see me start streaming yeah thats to get a social aspect in shhh#i like streaming doodles and it really relaxes me which means i might stream a fair amount while i recover#tfw you try to treat Your Anxiety with medication and it doesnt really work bc its not anxiety issues#but its a med that makes you mellow so then your depressed and mellow yeah thats been me lately oops
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Local creature is so pathetic and miserable.And wallowing and languishing. My body hurts.
#day-2-day#I took a spill walking the dog and I heard my ankle go crack real loud so I hope that doesn’t mean anything#<- says guy currently kinda in tears from how much this still hurts but I’m being so brave abt it#I had horrible anxiety yesterday over not bringing my phone on a walk for this exact scenario so I’m glad I had my phone????#I feel so miserable it’s hard to focus on much of anything besides how much it feels Bad#reblogs turned off because I don’t want this going anywhere ✌️
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*rotating in my head how magical girls have a similar issue to mecha in which majority of west speaking anime fans brush off the genre for stereotyping it into one thing besides the popular shows but magical girls have had it significantly worse because madoka actually effected the genre into becoming unnecessarily darker for a period and it’s also a reflection of how media aimed at women has more negative biased to it then media aimed at men*
Wow this is so fucked up and objectively more worse then mecha just getting brushed off for being “robot fights”.
*proceeds to continue not have a strong interest in magical girls even after this realization*
#meg text#this is a more weirder format rant bc I just ranted about something mm related yesterday#and I feel bad when my blog just random rants back to back when I forget to reblog things#but yeah I hope this didn’t come off as bad cause I don’t hate magical girls but I’m not- super interested?#it’s like I need to go back to rayearth I did like what I watched and I’ve seen a fair share of precure eps#but it does not hook me despite the fact I know the price I pay of being into male centric media is mostly mediocre female rep#(and anime it’s when given well- fanservice)#I feel legitimately bad about it but I can’t tell if it just doesn’t click with me or if it’s something internalized#as my relationship with womanhood as a trans non binary man is complicated but I won’t get into that#(And it doesn’t help when people continue to mistake me for a girl…)#tldr I don’t hate women-obviously-or women centric media and women deserve better but I just don’t feel attached to it#I do hope I can fix this one day though since it kinda bothers me with how self aware I am
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(vent in the tags and under the cut. don’t read if you don’t want.)
sometimes i wonder if people would care if i was gone. there’s just no point anymore tbh.
#tw sui ideation#its honestly just been going through my head for a while#the past two weeks my parents haven’t talked about anything besides my brother#i kinda just feel like i’ve been forgotten in a way#i just feel lonely i guess#and i hate it#it’s just one of those days where i feel lethargic and just numb frankly#and i’m tying to keep posting because it’s not fair that others who don’t give a shit have to read my vents#but i just can’t do this anymore#i’m going through a lot rn#between yesterday and my dog being sick and school starting and my grandma getting surgery and having to move in with my family#it’s all just a lot rn#and sometimes i just think about it and i just hate it#i hate having dark thoughts like this#i’ve been my only therapist because i can’t talk to my parents#i can’t talk to them about this stuff or they’ll just give me the “you can be sad but you can’t pack up and live there” bullshit#I DIDNT FUCKING ASK FOR THIS#that pisses me off so bad#i didn’t fucking ask to have suicidal thoughts?#sometimes i’ll just choke myself with my dog’s leash as a form of punishment because it just makes me feel good#atp i don’t care if i go too far because it’s not worth it anymore#it just doesn’t feel like life’s worth living#there’s nothing to enjoy or look forward to atp#i just need a friend#i’m so tired of being there for people and then having to turn back to myself when i have an issue because im too cowardly to open up#i’m scared#i don’t have it bad like i don’t know why i feel like this#i have a good life#i’m just being a brat#i dunno
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Hey guys. I'm... still a bit nervous about this admittedly, even after having so much support on other platforms, but. Given some things that have happened the past couple weeks, along with some stuff that I was waiting on falling into place and having me feel rly gud, I figured I might as well let y'all know.
Hi there, I'm Ashley. I'm a girl, and I go by she/her. :)
Also! Probably going to see about getting something made that has a more suitable resolution for being a profile pic a lil later (have hit my bank a bit hard this pay cycle lol,) but in the meantime, ye here's my new PFP! Was made by my lovely gf @kuronatcher (who has also been extremely supportive of me <3)
#trans#still got a phone call or two to make#(defo would have helped if i'd fucking remembered to call planned parenthood yesterday)#(cause now i gotta wait until tuesday comes around again lmao)#but yeah i've had the feelings of wanting to do/try on feminine things on and off for several years#and while i've never rly felt extremely “dysphoric” persay#i was mostly content with my appearance - but not HAPPY (if that makes any sense?)#and then the moment i was finally able to allow myself to present in feminine attire#it was almost a lightbulb going off that i didn't know i had - a missing puzzle piece that i was finally able to find#like a “shit this actually feels more right than anything manly ever has and i wanna do this for the rest of my life” kinda thing y'know?#sorry for rambling buuuuuut ye
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First day waking up 20. I may be sick 😕
#dean speaks#nose was running half of yesterday#tummy kinda hurts now#all my teeth were sore yesterday??? like from within the gums. that’s a new one#and i felt like over all shit#i don’t feel sm like shit now at least ig#still#oh yeah i was also really hot going to bed and i felt like i was overheating even with my shirt off#still feel kinda hot but not as badly
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