#I was debating with myself for a long long time on posting this

[joltai-showa]

The entire post is getting kinda long, so I am gonna start using breakline

Whenever I come across anything Ikemoto produced, I get a very strong feeling that this guy desperately wants to do a spin-off series for JJBA, not Naruto: weird poses, bizarre clothing choices, etc etc. Only this man manages to forget that he is still doing a sequel to Naruto, so all of his artisric choices end up clashing with an already established setting and style + let's be honest this man has none of Araki's creativity and skill, so we end up with pure dogshit that belongs neither to Naruto nor to JJBA.

Sarada kind of encapsulates everything wrong with Ikemoto's design choices. I've actually come across a video discussing Boruto's clothing and there was a heated debate regarding whether clothing in Naruto was period accurate (Boruto fans were declaring that there is nothing weird about modern day clothing in Boruto, after all, Naruto wasn't keeping up with it in the first place). But the actual problem is the fact that Boruto's designs have none of the defining feature of Naruto's clothing - its utilitarianism. People in Naruto wear comfortable shit, they wear things in which they can fight, ranged fighters and assassins can show more skin, while close quarter fighters wear vests and other protective measures. Meanwhile Boruto characters have so much useless shit on their persons one might think they are on their way to a nightclub where a fashion party is taking place. Seriously, it's fucking ridiculous, me and my friends compared Kishimoto's and Ikemoto's designs for, I believe, Sakura and Sarada, and I shit you not Ikemoto's have like twice the items of clothing compared to Kishi's.

And I also believe that bizarrely revealing attires for young girls might also be something Ikemoto picks up from JJBA, however in Araki's case a 15 year old looks like a 25 year old + the characters act and look older than they are due to a pretty rigorous timeline that JJBA has and tries to stay true. Ikemoto, on the other hand, has this weird Bratz (is that the name of those dolls? no idea) like style that makes all of his characters look like 8 year olds which only exacerbates the issue.

I'm not gonna comment on any of Boruto's... "twists". Seriously, I like to keep myself away from that thing, I have no idea how Boruto fans manage to unironically say "BROOOO NOOOO IT'S GETTING SO GOOD, JUST GET THROUGH LIKE 80 CHAPTERS, THE FINAL TWIST IN PART ONE IS HYPE🥶🥶🥶🥶" and you look up and it's the single worst piece of shit you've ever had the misfortune to read.

Thanks for your compliments. Deidara has a lot of tiny things scattered around the canon material + for a secondary antagonist he got pretty lucky with the time the plot dedicates to him (which is, well, unsurprising, considering he's been the most popular Akatsuki member that doesn't have "Uchiha" in his name since his appearance at the beginning of Shippuden, so Kishi and Jump have to take that sweet sweet merch money), so a lot of pretty interesting thing about his past can be unearthed. And I don't think that's really strange that Hidan and Deidara, being children of the Third Shinobi World War, have similarities in their past. For all of its flashiness, Naruto does try (at least at certain points) to be an anti-war story, and unsurprisingly that many characters born during these large scale conflicts would share certain experiences regarding the horrors and losses they have suffered when they were young and most vulnarable.

I've seen a comment from @hidansbabygirl regarding timeline stuff, so decided to share some things that I have regarding Hidan and what is known of him on the timeline of the events in Naruto

However, the start of Hidan's life corresponds with some pretty major things going on in the shinobi world, so we actually need to start elsewhere to establish some important facts regarding that, so, with that said, let's take a look at...

Kannabi bridge mission.

Surprising, I know. But Kannabi is very important for establishing when did the Third Shinobi World War ended and, presumably, started. It'll be obvious why this is important a bit later, so let's get into it.

It's actually pretty easy to ascertain the end of the TSWW thanks to the greatest guy to ever greatest guy in history - Obito. Obito is 30 during the events of Shippuden (I believe that the wiki and, likely, the databooks say that he's 31, however having kids in Kakashi's generation have different ages is way too annoying to keep track of + Obito by himself has a lot of events that involve literal fucking timetraveling, so for the sake of my sanity, everyone in Kakashi's generation is 30 during Shippuden). Obito is 13 during the events of Kannabi bridge (as stated in his profile in second databook, I believe?), so we know that between his untimely demise and miraculous ressurection 17 years have passed.

and here's the finale of Kakashi Gaiden. the wording of this page pretty heavily implies that following the destruction of Kannabi bridge, the TSWW ended (considering how many events unrelated to it are going to follow in literally the next year alone, it better fucking did, otherwise Kishimoto is incredibly bad with numbers). So, we know for certain that the end of that particular war was 17 years before the events of Shippuden.

Now let's remember another major date that pops up here and there during Kakashi Gaiden - the failure and subsequent suicide of Kakashi's father, Hatake Sakumo, which took place 5 years before Kannabi. To recap - some sort of important mission, goal vs comrades, Sakumo chooses comrades, mission ends in a failure, everyone hates Sakumo, including the very same comrades, Sakumo kills himself. Now here's the thing - even if Sakumo was compared to Sannins, we know pretty much jackshit about when and where he did missions. We've obviously heard about this mission, and there is also a very interesting fact about him killing parents of another Akatsuki-member-to-be - Sasori. However, Sasori was a very young child when it happened (off Chiyo's memories), and Sasori himself fought and ditched Suna during TSWW, so Sakumo fighting against Suna would have taken place in the previous World War, which is the Second.

Anyway, what I am trying to say is - we know nothing of Sakumo's involvement in the TSWW, meaning that he became a legendary and respected figure before it. And we certainly know that there was some mission, he put his comrades' lives over the mission, mission failed, and everyone hated him. And doesn't that seem like a bit of a... overreaction? Considering that during the plot we see quite a few missions being failed and yet it doesn't lead to shinobi in charge of them to becoming pariahs and ending their lives. Unless, of course... the failure of that particular mission had some absolutely catastrophic consequences.

Here's the part that was purely theorized, however I love this theory a lot and I believe that it actually does an amazing job at explaining the events, so here it goes - Hatake Sakumo's mission that took place 5 years before the events of Kannabi bridge mission was the spark that set off the Third Shinobi World War.

And suddenly the way everyone acts makes a lot of sense. Sakumo chose to save his comrades and know all of them watch as their village and country submerges itself into another worldwide meatgrinder? Yeah, no fucking wonder they started hating him, they are also kind of responsible for shit going down. The village despised him? Yeah, alright, everyone now must prepare for another war with like 3 different Greater Nations and think of how their friends and relatives are going to die, of course they can't stand his guts. Sakumo watches his homeland being engulfed into the fires of war caused by his one decision that went against the rules of shinobi? Oh yeah, no wonder he takes his life, no one's honor ever recovers from setting off a literal World War. Young Kakashi wants nothing to do with his father's name and values, even of it's his only (once upon a time) living relative? I mean, your dad's the reason all the adults in the village are getting their mandatory wartime flashbacks to shit thay experienced back during the Second Shinobi World War and you and your classmates instead of having to catch cats somewhere in the village now have to catch boulders with their faces somewhere on the border between Land of Earth and Land of Grass, of course you're not gonna follow his steps in any capacity.

Anyway, you get the idea. Now that I've explained why I believe the beginning of TSWW is assossiated with Hatake Sakumo, we can see that the war lasted for about 5 years, which is pretty reasonable time for at least two generations to get completely fucked over, so this theory passes a sanity check. Thus, we can presume that TSWW started 22 years before the events of Shippuden.

And, as I am sure you are aware, 22 is a magical number for this post, because Hidan is exactly 22 years old in Shippuden

(while searching for info for this post, I've found the English translation of the databook, so here's a bit of it with the main stuff for Hidan)

Now, all of my previous yapping about the dates creates a pretty interesting picture: Akatsuki members can be separated into three clusters (Zetsu and Orochimaru don't count, didn't care + didn't ask + L bozo + asspull plot twists): grandpa Kakuzu as the outlier that literally predates the shinobi village system, the majority of Akatsuki aged 30-40 aka kids born during the Second Shinobi World War and later fucked up by the Third Shinobi World War, and the three kids of the Third Shinobi World War aka Hidan (22), Itachi (21) and Deidara (19). Who are. You know. Even if they never fought in that war, they are still clearly not okay.

So yeah, one certain thing: Hidan would have been born around the same time as the TSWW was beginning, and, considering that it lasted 5 years, he should, theoretically, be able to remember its last years (the ones that involved sending 13 year olds on the enemy territory on Konoha's side of the conflict, wonderful stuff).

Now we'll be switching to geography because, I mean, how bad could it be for wherever Hidan was born? The answer is - likely pretty fucking bad.

Here's another tidbit from the databook confirming that Hidan was born in Yugakure (the reason why I specifically checked for it was that I was unsure if he simply got his shinobi education(?) in Yugakure or he was actually born there, the first scenario makes things kind of more ambigious; and it is possible, Kushina is an example of someone born in Uzushio and trained in Konoha). Now let's look at the map and see where Yugakure is...

Goddamit it's right in between Land of Fire and Land of Lightining. Literally like the fastest way for either country's army to pass through to fuck up each other. Possibly for Blood Mist too, if they ever got the brightest idea to go fuck up Kumogakure via a land path.

And yes there's no doubt that Konoha and Kumo were fighting in that war (chapter 542)

Ay, Bee and Minato can only be young adults for TSWW + Minato explicitly states that neither Ay nor he are Kage yet, Minato becomes one after the end of the war, while Ay does after his father dies fighting a giant army (figure which village is geographically close to Kumo to pull this) for three days straight. All in all, Kumo and Konoha undoubtedly were against each other during the time Hidan would be learning how to talk and walk, so Yugakure would be stuck between the rock and the hard place.

Which, off the example of Amegakure (granted these poor fuckers are stuck between THREE Greater Nations, and whenever there's a big conflict going on Suna, Iwa and Konoha like to throw the title of "the biggest civilian casualties inflicter" between each other like it's hot potato, but nonetheless) being a small village in this position sucks major ass. Hidan would have been watching his home getting rolled over by Kumo and Konoha repeatedly all childhood, and I think it's pretty safe to say that it's heavily affected him and his hightened interest in all things violent.

And off the paragraph above, we see that Yugakure turned into a resort village after the war ended (this couldn't have happened before or during it, otherwise it raises a question of how the hell Hidan is a shinobi).

(And I love the phrase "all major wars disappeared from the world" - my brother in christ it's been literally just 17 years and everyone's at each others throats again, why is Kishimoto trying to desperately gaslight his readers into believing that it was all bad before but now everyone's in an era of peace, the world is literally in another mid-war period and the world is aware of what these times look like (already happened 2 times))

Ahem. Sorry for going off topic. Now, whether Yugakure stopped being a military center on its own volition due to economic reasons or someone pressured them into demilitarising (once again, there's a pretty big border between the Land of Hot Springs and Land of Fire, and Konoha's got this dude named Danzo who likes having his nose into bordering countries' business, hi again, Ame, and is the literal embodiment of paranoia, considering all of that, such a scenario is possible), the result is the same - Yugakure is now a peaceful village, Hidan is its shinobi who is likely traumatised from the events in TSWW, so he craves some pretty extreme forms of violence. It's kind of obvious why he got tangled with the cult of Jashin.

And then there's... nothing. Literally a blank period. There's no info on Hidan's education as the shinobi (the databook has ??? for this info), Yugakure has no ninja registration system unlike the major hidden villages, so nothing can be inferred off of that, there's some stuff said about cult of Jashin and Hidan being the first successfull immortality experiment, but there are no events corresponding to any of this in the manga or the databooks, so alas, we have no clues what was going on with him before his recruitment into Akatsuki, so let's go into this

Thankfully, there's a bit more on that. Hidan during the six day (jesus christ I really hope Pain, Konan and Obito are paying these guys for the overtime, wtf is that, being stuck with your coworkers for 144 hours) zoom call when they were sealing Isobu and Matatabi argues with Pain and says the following

(chapter 329)

(and yes if you are wondering "hey weren't Hidan and Kakuzu dead by the time Obito and Deidara caught Isobu?", this is one of the prime examples why I don't care for anything stated in the anime, because this is one of the things changed from the original: Isobu is shown to be caught before, I believe, Hidan and Kakuzu even make an appearance, the canon scene for Isobu capture starts with Isobu watching who the fuck woke him up, while Obito and Deidara are yapping as usual before Obito is off to get bullied by this one big turtle for the third fucking time in his life)

Obviously, we know that Tobi joined Akatsuki officially after Sasori's death, during Shippuden events, so Hidan's recruitment would be somewhere before that and literally everyone else in the organization. Konan, Zetsu, Pain were there from the start after Obito took over, Itachi joined 8 years ago (after the Uchiha massacre), I've explained why I believe Deidara was taken 7 years before Shippuden, but obviously it can be anywhere between 7 to 4 years, Kisame would have to be somewhere before Deidara, Sasori would have to be before Itachi (because he was Orochimaru's partner before Itachi came about), Kakuzu could have happened literally at any point after the takeover but before Hidan's joining. So, not much is conclusive here, except that at earliest it would have taken like 7 years before Shippuden.

HOWEVER! There's one scene that actually allows us to establish that Hidan would have been recruited during the timeskip between OG Naruto and Shippuden! And it's everyone's favorite "why the fuck is Deidara upside down on the ceiling" scene

First important thing about Akatsuki: Hidan's figure is very obvious, even during the zoom meetings, considering that he is oftentimes drawn with his scythe. As we can see, no scythe in sight.

But that's not the weirdest thing in this picture. I, as a very sane person, have Akatsuki members' heights saved up (rounded up mathematically), so let's take a look at them:

Kisame 195

Kakuzu 185

Obito 182

Itachi 178

Zetsu 177

Hidan 177

Pain 177

Nagato 176

Konan 169

Deidara 166

Sasori 164

Now, after seeing this data, do you see anything conflicting with it on the picture above?

...

...

Who the fuck is this guy? The guy who is TOWERING above Kisame, literally the tallest known member?

My sanity says that the obvious answer is Kishimoto didn't plan shit, the designs for Akatsuki members weren't finished by that point, so we get this weird shit in the chapters before Akatsuki got revealed. Unfortunately, my sanity does not work as an in-universe argument, so the alternative is that this is actually Kakuzu's partner before Hidan (one of the guys that got killed by him), which creates the following chain of events: Akatsuki have this meeting 3 years before Shippuden, Kakuzu kills this 2.5 meter tall dude, and then the HR department aka Pain, Konan and Obito find this one undying cultist and pair them up because goddammit Kakuzu we don't have time for this bullshit, we need to tailedbeastmaxx.

So, as a result, Hidan joined Akatsuki anywhere from 19 to 22 (and I don't remove 22 from the boundary unlike I did with Deidara because Hidan not knowing wtf Akatsuki's goal is in this particular meeting is pretty wild, considering that Isobu and Matatabi are the fourth and fifth Tailed Beast that they are sealing by this point - Deidara said during the Kazekage Rescue arc that before Gaara they already got two jinchuiki, so 2 + Shukaku = 3 before that meeting - and zero times did Hidan think about asking "hey Leader what the fuck are we cooking here")

And I think that's about all I've got in regards to timeline stuff for Hidan. 0-5 - watches the carnage of the Third Shinobi World War, the next like 15 years are in the fog of war, so we only know that he's got his shinobi education, got pissed at the village, joined a cult, obtained immortality, and then from 19 to 22 he is recruited into Akatsuki.

thanks for joining my Tobitalk for today

[kakusu-shipping]

Where were you the day Mondatta died?

a self insert fic about loss, grief, and the stages we go through.

Ramattra was in a Talon meeting, under an agreement he’d regretted making. He was mad, he was rash, and now he’d face the consequences of his actions

Akande Ogundimu, more commonly know as Doomfist, stood proud, a live feed from Talon’s best assassin playing on a holo projection before him. Next to Ramattra was Maximillien, the highest ranked Omnic in Talon, just there for the ravager’s personal comfort.

They’d both assured him of this assassin’s efficiency, how she always hits her mark. One shot, one kill, they’d all said. When he’d had a moment, Ramattra couldn’t help but question her on this reputation.

“Everyone misses” she had answered, and now here Ramattra stood in a room of people he despised watching the brother he loved through the eyes of a killer he himself requested.

Ramattra’s grip on his staff would be enough to crush the woman’s spine three times over, as he stared unwavering at the screen, and prayed for the first time in a long time for a miracle

In an hour, the deal would be set. Mondatta would be dead, and Ramattra, his troops, his Omnics, his skills, would belong to Talon.

He would have no time to mourn in the long hours following his brother’s death. He would have no time to reflect on those back at the Shambali, the family he’d abandoned, and how they may be dealing with the loss. He would have no time to allow the pain of his choices to sink in.

And in the quiet hours, the few of them he had, he would return to the day he’d met Mondatta. Caked in blood and oil, alone on a battle field somewhere in New York city, he’d point his gun to the Monk, trembling. Mondatta would approach him and gently lay the gun to rest. He’d embrace the ravager, staining his beautiful white and gold robes in blood and oil, and Ramattra would cling to him, whimpering like a child, unable to face what he’d been made to do.

Could he face it now? Could he stand on battle fields of his own making and face his past again, knowing for sure this time his brother would not come to embrace him as he once had, sharing in the stains of his past

He had no time to ponder such things. What’s done is done. He had no time for regret, he had no time for doubt. It was time to push forward, to take what he’d been given and what he’d asked for and use it to better his people’s lives. 

The time for action is now.

---------------

Genji and Zayne, Shimadas healed in the Shambali temples, were on tour. A journey of helping, of time off, of moments spent together free as they’d ever been.

They’d stopped in Point Pleasant, West Virginia, a small city with a little silly bit of history they both enjoyed looking into.

In moments they’d overhear someone watching the news a little too loudly in public about the loss of Mondatta. Their carefree moment of exploration around a funny man moth driven town ruined. They’d be left crushed, huddled together in a back alley attempting in vein to calm each other down

Moments from now they’d both experience grief worse than they’d felt sense Genji first died, grief over a man who loved them, who welcomed them into his home and brought them to a family that would stand by them as they healed and grew.

They would find a hotel, and grieve over night. They next day they’d pack up, and return to the Shambali to find the village quiet, in mourning, monks locked away in their homes in meditation, grieving as Zayne and Genji had.

Emile would force a smile to welcome them, and apologize for the quiet. They wouldn’t see Zenyatta.

A week would pass, sitting in silence by a crackling fire, Genji would face his little brother.

“I want to find Hanzo.” The older couldn’t bare to loose any more family, and his brother was out there, lost, thinking himself alone in a sea of his own thoughts, thinking Genji dead and gone from this world. “I want him to know I’m still here. That I still.. love him.”

It would be hard on them, the older and younger so close, and yet still so distant. A love just rekindled, splitting.

They would continue to travel, separated by entire oceans. Would they keep in contact? Could they keep in contact? A family split, miles and miles of land and sea separating them.

That would be their future. For now, in this moment, they sit together in an alley in Point Pleasant, West Virginia, crying together for the loss of someone they’d known their entire new lives.

-----------------

Emile was in a bar, packed full with his family, other students of the Shambali, Omnics big and small.

The bar tender had turned on the live broadcast of Mondatta’s speech. They didn’t have a television in the Monastery, and this bar was the only place open late enough to catch most of Mondatta’s touring live.

The room was hot with tightly packed monks, machines whirring and scraping together as they chatted amongst themselves, always a buzz to leave the temple.

Emile sat at the bar, a cup of orange juice in hand as he once again thanked the bar tender of letting them all take control of his television. He never minded, liked seeing the monks, he’d say, they always seemed so chipper.

In just a few seconds the atmosphere would change. All would go dead silent as Mondatta fell limp on the television.

No one would speak, no one would move. The humans in the rooms would hold their breath and wait.

Waiting for anything other than what they’d just witnessed to be true.

They’d all wait for hours in that little bar. They’d barrow phones from passers by. They’d knock on near by doors. The entire town would be up, awaiting an update, news on Mondatta’s situation.

Within two hours it would be officially announced that Mondatta has died.

There was only one who could shed tears in that bar that night, despite the near hundred people packed in together. He would cry enough for all of them.

In the coming days the Shambali Monastery would grow silent. Monks holed up in their homes, deep in meditation and prayer. The village would become a ghost town, spare one little human.

Emile just couldn’t do it. He couldn’t sleep in that home, knowing Mondatta would never return. He couldn’t wear those robes, knowing Mondatta would never straighten them for him again. He couldn’t sit to meditate, knowing Mondatta could never sit by his side once more.

So he cleaned, in his sweater and jeans that no longer fit quiet as nicely as they once had. He swept snow off the stairs and dusted the sanctum and washed laundry that had already been cleaned thrice over.

He would not eat, he would sleep, for a near 4 days the human kept himself busy, and never once would he step foot in Mondatta’s home.

He’d smile when Zayne and Genji would come back. He’d tell the townsfolk the village was doing just fine when he’d go to get supplies. He’d keep himself busy as the monks around him mourned.

And in 5 days time, he would collapse in the snow, dressed in few too little clothes, just as he had the day he’d arrived at the Shambali. And like that day he will be saved by a monk he’d come to know better than all the rest.

---------------

On that day, the day they’d lost Mondatta, Zenyatta was at home, in meditation. He loved his brother dearly, but watching his speeches at protests was starting to get rather same-y. The monk needed new lessions, Zenyatta had thought to himself.

He’d be unaware of the loss for another 2 hours, until the chimes of the temple rang out, and he would join his siblings at the sanctum, and hear the news from the group that had gone into town.

Like everyone else, Zenyatta would lock himself away in his home. Sat against a wall he would stare blankly, perusing the web in his own head for any and all sources he could find on Mondatta’s death.

He’d loose track of days, reading article after article, watching video after video, scanning for anything new he could find.

Why, he would ask himself, why would anyone take out Mondatta? What could he have done, who could he have hurt just trying to spread love?

Zenyatta would spend time wishing death on whoever would do something so awful, just to retract the thought moments later. His brother would not want such a thing for even the person who would take his life.

On the third day of mourning Zenyatta would stumble into something he would wish he hadn’t. An image of the assassin.

A face to put to his desire of vengeance.

A woman with blue skin and long dark hair, an awfully tight purple suit and a large sniper rifle.

For the next few days Zenyatta would spend all his time staring at the blurry photo of this woman, wishing the worst upon her. May she loose those closest to her and may it be her own fault. May she feel the worst pains imaginable and survive. May she live the rest of her life with these regrets and no way to return. May she find a path to recovery just to have the door slammed in her face.

On the fifth day, these thought plaguing Zenyatta’s head would finally drive him mad. He would storm from his home with a bag of few things, vengeance his only thought as he crushed snow beneath his feet.

His plan to leave the village, to find the woman who did this, to put her in the ground himself, would be interrupted as a white haired man with puffy red eyes would collapse in front of him.

Thoughts of her would leave the monk alone after so long of obsession as he found himself in the company Emile, the human had taken the loss of Mondatta just about as well as Zenyatta.

That night, they would stop avoiding the truth. They’d lost Mondatta, their brother, their master, their family, and it hurt. Together they would face this, over hot tea and by a dying fire, they’d relive stories of their life in that Monastery.

Stories of sneaking out of meditations, of snow ball fights, of counting stars atop the mountain, of learning, and laughing, and being home and happy.

The night would pass and they would still be sat there, at Zenyatta’s low tea table Mondatta had gotten him for his birthday two years ago, sitting back to back in a comfortable silence.

“I want to find Ramattra,” Zenyatta will say, his hand laid gently on top of Emile’s. “He is lost, wherever he is, I am sure he is as lost as we were” He thinks back to the day Ramattra left, the fight he and Mondatta had, the last words he’d said to their brother... He knew Ramattra regretted that, now more than ever.

“We’ll find him.” Emile will smile over his shoulder, “Together.”

And in that moment, a moment of calm between storms, Zenyatta will look back and realize quietly to himself

He is in love. He has been in love for years. This. This was what love was for him.

[poorly-drawn-mdzs]

Lan Wangji Goes To Lotus Pier AU: Part 3: Enveloping Feelings.

(Part 1, Part 2, Part 4)

[likeprongstostars]

MERMAY (where i lie i will draw mermaids the whole month and give up after the 1st)

[wavesoutbeingtossed]

The TTPD Deep Dive (Part ?)

It’s no secret that I have a lot of Thoughts about The Tortured Poets Department and it has lived rent-free in my head since it came out earlier this year. I’m absolutely blown away by how underneath the chaos, it’s actually an exceptionally cohesive story and is probably the closest to a concept album Taylor has ever done.

There are so many themes that have stood out to me over the last five months, and there’s one in particular that I think not only drives the entire album, but ties into previous albums to help deepen understanding of it.

This is it, my fangirl magnum opus, my months of posts consolidated into one place. This is also my disclaimer that this is just my interpretation of the album, and my summary of the story it tells, and I don’t pretend to have any special insight or authority. I’m not saying I’m correct at all, do not take any of this as fact, it’s just what it sounds like to me, and these are my silly not-so-little thoughts about it.

(Under a cut because it’s way too long and involves discussion many may not care for or be sick of.)

Come one, come all, it's happening again (I'm thinking too hard about Taylor music)

The overarching theme in TTPD to me is: Grief. If you’re looking at TTPD as a story being told (instead of just as someone’s real life), the inciting incident of TTPD is loss, and the grief from that loss is what drives the narrator’s actions and the fallout, as well as unpacks those complicated feelings and how they apply to the her life in general. By the end of the standard album, it’s also about recovering from that pain, moving on from it and learning from it.

The loss specifically is the loss of the dream of having a family (with one’s partner). One thing that is abundantly clear both on the top line and under the surface in TTPD is how Taylor (as a person and as narrator) longed not only to for marriage but specifically parenthood, and the fear and then realization of losing that chance absolutely wrecked her— which is why the next lover’s (the conman's) wooing worked so well, because it preyed on that yearning. Yet that loss also dovetails into the grief of many things: of youth, of idealism, of relationships, of ideas, even of self, which causes almost a deconstruction of a belief system to piece one’s life back together by the end.

THE CONTEXT

TTPD weaves in the topics of marriage and motherhood both explicitly and in the subtext, in various forms and scenarios. The cheating husband in “Fortnight.” The wedding ring line in “TTPD” the song. “He saw forever so he smashed it up” in “My Boy Only Breaks His Favorite Toys.” All of “So Long, London.” Running away with her wild boy in “But Daddy I Love Him,” fantasizing about weddings and joking about babies. The imaginary rings in “Fresh Out The Slammer.” The cheating husband (again) and the friends who smell like weed or “little babies” in “Florida!!!” “You and I go from one kiss to getting married,” “Talking rings and talking cradles,” and “our field of dreams engulfed in fire” in “loml.” (And arguably: “I wish I could un-recall how we almost had it all.”) “He said he’d love me all his life, but that life was too short,” in “I Can Do It With A Broken Heart.” They may not sound like much on their own, but they paint a picture about how the topics pervaded her thoughts and her writing, and in many cases express her desires, and her pain.

It’s something that goes back several albums when you pick up on context clues. You get the first hints on Reputation with “New Year’s Day,” and “you and me forevermore.” Then Lover is very forward with it: “Lover” is basically wedding vows, “Paper Rings” is very engagement-coded, “I Think He Knows” is cheeky but low-key “you better put a ring on it,” “It’s Nice To Have A Friend” has wedding/marriage imagery in the last verse. As a self-professed diaristic writer, it’s the type of stuff one presumably doesn’t put out there unless those conversations have already happened, and she was very excited about it at the time it was released.

Then the pandemic happens and folklore comes out, and while there is still happy love there (“invisible string”), there are also the first indications that something has happened to put a halt to whatever future she once dreamed of (“hoax,” “the lakes”) and that she’s trying to reassure herself and him that it can still happen even if she’s scared it might not (“peace”). Notably, as far as I can remember it’s the first time Taylor explicitly brings up the idea of family (with her partner) with “you know that I’d give you my wild, give you a child,” which stood out at the time because it’s so incredibly vulnerable, but it’s even more poignant when you really take in that the whole song is like a confession of her deepest worries, and this is her vowing to give him these things that she holds most sacred if he’ll let her. These are what she cherishes most dearly and wants to return in kind: her youth and commitment (my wild), the family she craves (a child), unconditional support (swing for the fences/sit in the trenches) and understanding/compassion (silence that only comes when two people know each other).

Evermore follows an even darker path, and suddenly the album explores relationships that end and grappling with loss. There are toxic relationships (“tolerate it”), dangerous marriages (“no body, no crime,” “ivy”), failing/broken relationships (“Coney Island,” “champagne problems,” “happiness,” “‘tis the damn season”), as well as grief (“Marjorie,” “evermore”). Even some of the happy songs have uncertainty in them: in “willow” she’s begging for him to take her lead, like she’s still trying to decipher him and ask him to commit; in “cowboy like me,” still a beautiful love song, she’s thinking, “this wasn’t supposed to work and we were supposed to bail on each other but we fell in love instead”; “evermore” is about the depths of severe depression (and more) with the love story being the one saving grace in her darkest hour. And it’s also notable that after all the “fiction” writing, shortly after this album she writes “Renegade” where she’s telling the subject: I’m ready to start the next phase of our life now, why aren’t you? Is it me you don’t want after all? It’s like there’s something telling her that this stall might not just be a stall.

Midnights is a jumble (in a good, but in hindsight, also sad way) with the “sleepless nights” concept, but it seems pretty clear now that the themes and events and relationships she was revisiting tied into a lot of what she was feeling in her present life. I wrote the cliff notes version awhile back, but she’s questioning so much of her life that’s reflected in past events and relationships. Am I actually always the problem? How did we lose sight of each other and what we had? We only seem to work when we block out everyone and everything else. Can we ever go back to when things were good? Why are you neglecting me? I once thought I was going to lose everything but you saved me in the nick of time, can that happen again? I chased my career, but did I give up my chance at having a family in the process? Nobody knows what I really suffer from behind closed doors and I’m all alone.

And so on, which in retrospect now that we have TTPD, is very much what she was grappling with in private while writing and releasing the album. The inspiration behind the songs may have been different events and muses, but regardless of their origins they all end up feeling too familiar, like she's seen this film before (ahem). We’re seeing her view of commitment change too, or rather how she writes about it: she’s not making the outright declarations of it like on Lover, or even the implied ones on folklore, nor is she talking of the dark side of it like evermore. For the most part it’s a return to the early days of some relationships, before things got hard, or the end of them when there was nothing left, and also pushing away the discussion of it altogether by the outside world. “Sweet Nothing” is a sweet slice of life, but even at that, it’s the peace of the home in conflict with the pressure of the outside world. Now that we have “You’re Losing Me,” which was written at the same time as the rest of the album, we can probably deduce that she was going back to the start because something happened that made her doubt the future.

THE SETUP

So much of Midnights directly ties into TTPD, and I said in the post I linked that it’s like Midnights is asking the questions that TTPD answers. But there’s one song in particular on Midnights that sticks out to me as being key in the broadest sense to understanding the state of mind that led to the events of TTPD, and that’s “Bigger Than The Whole Sky,” because the way it expresses grief is reflected in the theme of mourning a life built and the dreams along with it that are never realized in TTPD. There are several instances in TTPD that are basically variations of: “every single thing to come has turned into ashes,” and that’s what makes her snap, and leaves her vulnerable to someone who promises her those things when she’s bereaved at losing them in the first place. (In other words: “the deflation of our dreaming leaving me bereft and reeling.”) The song tells a story about how that loss of hope colours one’s entire mindset, and in some ways is a bridge to TTPD to understand what such a low point feels like.

I think that that grief, and most importantly losing hope for an imagined future in its wake, is fundamental to understanding TTPD on so many levels: both the decline with one partner that kept her hanging on then led her such a dark path, and why she fell for the conman's apparent bullshitting because it offered an express pass to what she was losing with her partner. And I also feel like it plays a part into the ruminating she’s doing all over Midnights, trying to make sense of where she finds herself when she’s writing the album, which directly leads to “You’re Losing Me.” Loss permeates so many of the stories on Midnights: of lovers, of innocence, of youth, of faith, of control, of life’s work, etc. “BTTWS” is just one of the ways in which it is expressed so fully, capturing that deep depression and subsequent extinction of faith in something that once felt assured and very much wanted. (Which is also mentioned in her writing process in the “Depression” playlist on Apple Music.)

If you understand why that feeling of loss in general across so many parts of life is so important to Midnights, then it illuminates so much about the “narrative” in TTPD too. If on Midnights she’s wrestling with the seeds of grief and loss (on multiple fronts), TTPD is her reckoning with it in its full form. “So Long, London” is the song that is the most explicit about it: How much sad did you think I had in me? How much tragedy? Just how low did you think I’d go before I’d have to go be free? You swore that you loved me, but where were the clues? I died on the altar waiting for the proof. It’s the sequel to “You’re Losing Me.” It’s, the air is thick with loss and indecision, I know my pain is such an imposition, I’m getting tired even for a phoenix, all I did was bleed as I tried to be the bravest soldier, I’ve got nothing left to believe unless you’re choosing me, my heart won’t start anymore, but from the other side of the break.

This is highly speculative, but if you follow the thread about the topic and the relationship as told from Rep through TTPD, in broad strokes it goes: young love with a serious connection (Rep) -> growing up and making life plans (Lover) -> something happens that delays those plans or makes them grind to a halt (folklore) -> serious doubts arise and cause a loss of faith in their future (evermore) -> struggling with the loss of that future and trying to make sense of the problems in a last ditch attempt to save the relationship (Midnights) -> fallout from that grief after the blowup of the relationship (TTPD). Understanding that progression of events (through the music) explains not only the storytelling side of TTPD (e.g. the jump from the partner to the conman) but also how the experiences/muses blend in the music, and how the music that on the surface is about the short-term relationship is really driven by the destruction of the long-term one.

Following the music, it’s IMO implied that Taylor (the narrator) was holding out for marriage and family with her partner, for years, and it seems like it was at one point a shared dream until something happened to pump the brakes, and seemingly on her partner’s end. And extrapolating further, given how the sorrow expressed in former albums bleeds into TTPD, it sounds like a plan that had been concrete in some form before it had fallen apart, and losing something that once felt so tangible is what drives her in her grief to find any kind of respite from the pain. Which is why the situation with the conman becomes so appealing as the one with the partner splinters further and further.

(If everything you’ve once touched is sick with sadness and you don’t want to be sad anymore, what are you left to do?)

THE STORY

So (one part of) the story kind of sounds like this from the standard album: the relationship with her partner as well as his mental health slowly deteriorate and he withdraws emotionally (“London,” “Fresh Out The Slammer”) and physically (again, “London,” and “Guilty As Sin?”) and takes his resentment out on her (“London” and arguably “My Boy Only Breaks His Favorite Toys” even though I don't want to get into muse speculation here). As she sinks deeper into her own depression as a result, the weight of the failing relationship starts feeling like a cage— or a noose (“London,” “Guilty”), but coming to terms with the loss of their life together and the future they’d dreamed of was killing her (again, “London,” but also “I Can Do It With A Broken Heart”).

Enter the conman who she reconnects with at the very point where this is coming to a head (knowing that IRL she reconnected with him around the time Midnights was being worked on) , and if you read between the lines, she confides some deeply personal things to him (“Down Bad” and “hostile takes overs”/“encounters closer and closer,” “Smallest Man” and the entire sleeper cell spy imagery which is one of my favourite things and I could write a whole essay about the meaning of it, “loml” and “A con man sells a fool a get-love-quick scheme”). Then after she’s confided these secrets to him, he insinuates himself back into her life (“Guilty,” “Down Bad,” “Smallest Man”) and sells her a dream that HE can give her all these things she hopes for (again, “Down Bad,” “Smallest Man,” “loml,” song “TTPD,” “Broken Heart”).

But the thing is, he only knows these are the things she wants because she’s revealed it to him, and presumably, told him that was what she was losing by staying with her partner. And instead of the normal response of, “that is really sad that your partner is not supporting you and you deserve to be treated better,” to a friend in growing distress, it seems like it was, “well I can give you all those things!!!! Right now!!!! Trust me!!!!” And worked on her until she believed it, and jumped at the chance at a precarious time in her life. And one thing I want to underscore is: Taylor has agency in the situation always, it’s not like she’s been kidnapped and brainwashed. (In fact, she implores on songs like “But Daddy” that SHE is in charge of her own choices, good or bad.) She chose to rekindle the friendship and then relationship, and she chose to eventually leave her long term relationship for another man, and she reiterates on the album that she owns this all. But it’s also: nothing exists in a vacuum, and she makes choices based on emotions and information she has at the time, which is why it gives so much whiplash.

THE ALBUM

When you look at it as, the situation with the conman only happens because of what happened with the partner first and that the appeal of the conman and the fantasy he sells her is a direct reaction to that, it makes the “swirliness” of the music make so much more sense. And for much of it, even many of the “conman” songs on the surface are really “partner” songs underneath.

Fortnight

A suburban gothic allegory about a broken marriage with a distant husband with a wandering eye, which makes the rekindled romance with the neighbor so appealing. She’s miserable caged in her stifling house because she’s been abandoned by her spouse, so the reappearance of this past love reignites the passion that’s dead at home.

TTPD

“So tell me, who else is gonna know me?” “I chose this cyclone with you.” I’m gonna kill myself if you ever leave. Everyone knows we’re crazy. She’s laying it out there that she’s already in a dangerous state of mind, and she’s actively putting herself in more danger by pursuing the conman. “At dinner you take my ring off my middle finger and put it on the one people put wedding rings on, and that’s the closest I’ve come to my heart exploding,” spells this whole thing out so clearly: whether it’s an actual event (likely) or a metaphor for the promise he makes to her, the reason why it makes her heart explode is because it’s the thing she’s been waiting for forever with no movement, and here this person comes in and slips it on her finger in an instant like it’s nothing. (And eventually, as we’ll come to know, it is absolutely nothing to him.) You mean it could have been this easy this whole time?! (Well, no. Not until a certain other suitor makes his appearance later.) It feels like she’s finally getting everything she wanted in the blink of an eye! How lucky! How convenient! What was that about the get-love-quick scheme you say? (Unsaid: the reason why this feels so urgent is because there’s a sense that time is running out in so many aspects of her life and not just the obvious. Which reappears later on.)

Down Bad

“Did you really beam me up in a cloud of sparkling dust just to do experiments on?” sets the scene for this euphoric experience in the moment that starts to feel violating once the dust settles (which is then followed up in “Smallest Man” and the spy mission on her). The bridge spells out how he weaselled his way into her life, preyed upon (intentionally or not) her emotional state, sold her a dream and then vanished, without the benefit of hindsight yet we see later in the album.

The alien abduction metaphor is pretty brilliant, because it shows both how she was desperate to escape the place she found herself in, and how much it screwed her brain to then be left stranded when the affair was over. “[I loved your] hostile takeovers, encounters closer and closer,” is so evocative because it details how the situation came to be: his overtures under the guise of friendship blurred lines until he made her an offer that she eventually couldn’t refuse (hostile takeovers) as he infiltrated her life more and more intimately. The sad thing is that the song has parallels to how her relationship with the partner started too in earlier albums, in that they ran away to live in their own bubble (or planet) only for him to metaphorically abandon her as the years went on. (Oven, meet microwave.)

My Boy Only Breaks His Favorite Toys

Being continually emotionally broken down by a person who knows he’s hurting you but still acts the way he does. (The original voice memo version makes this even clearer and it’s rather heartbreaking.) “He saw forever so he smashed it up,” speaks to the loss of a future the person became scared of, and the original lyrics (“he saw forever so he blew it up”) somehow cut even deeper to me because it feels so much more intentional.

Also in the original version, “he was my best friend and that was the worst part,” also speaks not only to the loss of an entire partnership in the wake of this hurt, but also to the feelings of betrayal that the person you trust so deeply has the ability to hurt you in this way too, and how it’s a one-two punch of not only losing the relationship but also your closest confidant. (It’s like the sequel to “Renegade” and the missiles firing to me.) Again, there are shades of both/many situations in the song, pointing to an unfortunate pattern in some ways. The situation in “My Boy” is part of why she was so low, and why the “get love quick scheme” was so appealing later on. And it dovetails nicely into…

So Long, London

The most explicitly “partner” song that puts a coda on “You’re Losing Me,” and is Track 5 because it’s the emotional underpinning of how she got to where she was, and drives the events of the rest of the album. It spells everything out: He withdrew, she tried to fix it for both of them, eventually even that stopped working, he was oblivious to or minimized how badly she was suffering and his (in)actions couldn’t reassure her, he wouldn’t move forward on their future plans and stewed in his own struggles, she was spiralling out of control trying to hang on and ultimately felt like she was going to die if she didn’t leave.

But Daddy I Love Him

Like a direct reaction to “So Long, London” in that she breaks free from the death of one relationship and throws herself with reckless abandon to the next, fuck the haters. How dare you judge me, when the relationship you think I should have stayed in was killing me? (Dutiful daughter all the plans were laid. All you want is gray for me.) Fuck all of you, I’m going to choose whoever I want! (So what if I have a baby with HIM, huh?! I tried doing it the proper way and look where that got me so now we're back to square one) It’s again her imagining how wonderful and freeing this “wild boy” is going to be for her, and how wrong she’ll prove everyone. THIS TIME she definitely got it right. So what if she has to run away! So what if she scandalizes the whole town! They don’t know what she really wants or needs anyway! She’s the only one of her (hee-hee-hee) and she’s the only who gets to decides how this goes. (Because: she longs for control in a situation she’ll eventually realize she has little of it in, which we’ll find out is a recurring theme in her life.)

Fresh Out The Slammer

Also spells out what happened with the partner in the first verse and the pre-choruses, which is what makes the conman so appealing as the imagined jailbreak. The bitter loneliness vs. the sultry passion she builds up in her head as she awaits her release from prison is key to understanding the two sides of the story in the album. There’s this whole outlaw imagery (which is also carried through in “I Can Fix Him”), but it’s contrasted in the end with her and her reunited lover sitting on park swings like children with “imaginary rings” — because “Ain't no way I'm gonna screw up now that I know what's at stake.” What’s at stake is lasting love and the promises that come with it (marriage/family) that are precious and time-sensitive. The imaginary rings are both a nod to the youthful dreams of her and her new/old lover, but also has a double meaning to me because those promises aren’t built on anything together; they're made up, intangible. (They’re no more concrete than the plans that went up in smoke with the partner.) Like with most of the conman situation, it’s all a fantasy in her head that has yet to happen, and as we find out later in the album, reality ends up leaving much to be desired.

Florida!!!

Broadly speaking, it’s running away from your problems and wanting to disappear from your life. (But again: the life she’s disappearing from is the cheating husband she may or may not be feeding to the swamp-- another miserable marriage.) What kind of flies under the radar though is the “I don’t want to exist,” line, which points to her dire state of mind that led her to fleeing to that metaphorical timeshare down in Destin. In many ways about cheating death.

Guilty As Sin

Yes it’s the “masturbation song,” but again the nuance is that she’s left to pleasure herself because her partner has abandoned her emotionally and even physically, i.e. “my boredom’s bone deep.” To be blunt: they aren’t even intimate anymore, so she starts fantasizing about the guy she used to have chemistry with who’s reentered her life and is making moves on her. And realizing that she’s now finding release in another man (albeit imaginary) breaks her even as it reinvigorates her because she finally understands that the relationship she’s in is effectively dead. (“Am I allowed to cry?”)

Who’s Afraid of Little Old Me

This isn’t about relationships, but about society and its reaction to them in a general sense. But again, she’s left to stew in all this anger and hurt as she’s been abandoned at home, then abandoned by public opinion, and the public attack on her is part of the origin as well as the end of that story. The trauma inflicted upon her detailed in the song is the reason why she felt trapped in the first place, which led to the decisions she’s made and habits she’s leaned on ever since.

I Can Fix Him (No Really I Can)

This is one of the few songs that is the most completely conman-coded, and shows when the delusion finally breaks at the end of the song. She spends the whole song being like, “no really, I alone can make him better! You’ll see! I know he’s gross, but he’s mine! It’ll be fine I swear! You don’t know anything! Uuuuuum hmm wait actually what the fuck—“

Loml

Oof. THE song. Again the surface reading is about the “conman” who comes in and sells her the lie, but the pain is because all the dreams she writes about are HER dreams and implied that they were the dreams she built with her partner that the conman sold back to her. I could do a deeper dive on this but most of the song is applicable to both relationships, which not only shows the “swirliness” of her writing, but also how they both ultimately did the same thing to her in different shades.

The bridge and the last chorus are kind of fundamental to understanding it all, and her ending it with “you’re the loss of my life” is about, among other things, how falling for this trap blew up the life she built and dreamed of for good. (I could talk about this one forever.) “You shit-talked me under the table, talking rings and talking cradles” to “Our field of dreams engulfed in fire” is a hell of a line and progression, and again, indicative of what the real driving force behind the whole album is. The shit-talking is because he took her dreams (of marriage and children) and hyped it back up to her tenfold whether in a moment of his own delusion or for more nefarious reasons — much like how the man prior kept promising these things but never followed through, which left her vulnerable to someone who appeared to offer them enthusiastically. The field of dreams isn’t just the one with the conman, it’s the one with the longterm relationship she’d built the dream with in the first place, because the conman’s actions are part of the reason the LTR went up in smoke. (Not the reason for the rift, but the consequence of the final break.) And THAT is why it’s the loss of her life, so completely.

When she says “I wish I could un-recall how we almost had it all,” IMO it’s not just the fake future that the conman lures her into, but also (and perhaps mainly) the once-real one she had with her partner and the loss of which that made her susceptible to falling for the con in the first place. There’s honestly so much between the lines in this song that covers every theme and speaks to the grief of seeing the life she imagined slip away, slowly by the first man then annihilated by the second.

I Can Do It With a Broken Heart

The juxtaposition of “He said he’d love me all his life, but that life was too short” and “He said he’d love me for all time, but that time was quite short” sums it up to me (and parallels “loml”), because they are two different situations, but they cut her just the same. In the first, “that life” IMO was the life they’d built with the dreams that went along with it and it was too short because he never followed through, and in the second, the “time” was quite short because it was the frenzy of the whirlwind romance that fizzled as quickly as it began. The life that was too short led to the time that was quite short.

The Smallest Man Who Ever Lived

This is definitely THE conman song. The rage, the shame, the violation, it’s all in there. But the key to it is the bridge and the espionage imagery woven through it. A honeypot scheme is when spies target a mark and seduce them to gain their trust and their privileged information for their homeland. So her likening him to a sleeper cell spy who set her up just to mine her deepest secrets and use them against her is a heavy, loaded statement. And implied: that valuable information she unknowingly held were her longings of marriage and family (the aforementioned shit-talking about rings and cradles she never got to have), and more importantly, those dreams preceded him reentering her life and then beginning his mission on her.

The insinuation then is: she confesses these are her deepest wishes which are now seemingly unattainable in her current situation (e.g. with her partner) -> he convinces her HE will give them to her and make the dreams she pines for come true -> she falls for him and blows up her life to make it happen -> he gets what he wants (thrill of the chase/sex/the idea of her/whatever his intent was) -> he abandons her when he gets what he wants, or rather it isn’t what he wants or can handle -> she’s left a) all alone b) with dreams unfulfilled c) with no answers d) feeling used at having her most sacred wishes used against her.

Again, the song is unquestionably about the way the conman absolutely destroyed her, but he was able to do that because there was this thing she wanted more than anything, that was dying in her previous relationship, that he was able to prey upon to seduce her, then discarded her and her dreams as soon as it was inconvenient for him while absolutely hollowing her inside out. (And again: the devastating thing is that this also applies to other relationships she’s written about, in different ways.)

The Alchemy

Not about either the partner or the conman directly, but it (loosely) touches on her finding herself after the whole oven-to-microwave experience and opening herself up to life and love again. #GoodForHer

Clara Bow

This isn’t about the romantic relationships on the surface, but it is about how damaging the entertainment industry and public life are on women, and how women are only valued for their beauty as commodities until they can be discarded and destroyed in the process. Which I think plays into the circumstances that led her to make the decisions that she did years ago, and why she makes the ones she does now. (But also, being valued for physical traits and appeal for the male gaze brings us to…)

The Manuscript

The “original sin” that kicks off all of this. Again, at first light this isn’t about the partner or the conman, but the person it is about is the reason why she has made all the decisions she has ever since in relationships (and that’s Mr. Plaid Shirt Days from “All Too Well”). The realization that her first serious adult relationship is what cemented these patterns, and this view of herself and her worthiness in relationships, is profoundly sad. An older man who valued her for being so mature for her age and implying that the mature activities ahem associated with that were the performance benchmarks in her ability to carry a relationship, only to leave her, was earth shattering. She placed her faith in this person, but then the way he treated her changed her view of love and of herself.

She took his innuendo about “pushing strollers” as a sign of potential commitment, whereas he ultimately meant it as foreplay, and she was too young and naive to know the difference. So not only did she learn from that that this man (and men) didn’t view commitment and family the way she did and that it was something to be toyed with, but she also learned that her value to them among other things was sex. Imagine being an idealistic 20 year old and your boyfriend ten years your senior tells you, “if the sex is anywhere near as good as our dates have been, we’re going to be making babies before you know it,” (e.g. this is relationship is serious) and then he dumps you: does that imply that the sex was not in fact that good? (E.g. that you’re not worthy after all?)

No, obviously from this side of life, it’s because he was a commitment-phobic playboy, even if he did love her, but she couldn’t have known that at 20 and instead internalized that shame. But, it did send her on a path of how she approached sex and love and relationships for over a decade afterwards. And her coming to the realization that that first act of (perhaps unintentional) manipulation is what informed her actions thereafter helped her break the pattern. Her worth to men is not just sex, she has value and her hopes and dreams have value, she doesn’t have to change into a different person to please anyone, because if that is what they want, they won’t ever want her anyway.

It’s been described here on Tumblr by people more eloquent and astute than I as a song that encapsulates the album as this: one did it slow (partner), one did it fast (conman), and one did it first (first love)— and that is haunting. After years of men minimizing her dreams and desires, if not outright using them against her, she’s finally at the point where she can let it all go and move on for good. (There’s a whole other tangent about consent and shame and manipulation, but that’s an entirely different kind of discussion. But it is so devastatingly contrasted with “you said if we had been closer in age maybe it would have been fine, and that made me want to die.”)

THE SUMMATION

This is just my interpretation of it, but in going through the standard album, it feels pretty clear how cohesive the album is about a story of love and loss and grief, then reckoning with what caused it all in the first place that set a person on this path. It’s a formative experience at a young age that was traumatic and led to certain coping mechanisms and a shaping of one’s self-perception, as well as the reaction to external pressures that try to dictate behaviours and influence how one feels one deserves out of love which makes it harder to know when one absolutely deserves more and better. And leaves one struggling to cope with loss when there isn’t anything else to hold onto. Then in light of one’s life blowing up, learning to find oneself in the aftermath all over again.

On another tangent that is somewhat related to the theme of loss, the way she writes about the two main muses on the standard album also ties into how the situations converged to create absolute carnage on her emotional and mental well-being. With one situation, she’s talking about a concrete life that crumbles under the weight of their struggles; with the other, the entire thing is a fantasy that she builds up in her head, and when it comes to fruition it falls far, far short.

If you look at the “microwave” (conman) relationship, you realize that almost everything she writes about it happens before it actually becomes reality, and it’s mostly her imagining how great it’ll be, but with few exceptions, when she writes about what actually occurred, it doesn’t even come close to living up to her expectations. “Fortnight” is an imagined future where she escapes to Florida and his touch finally starts her stalled engine (ahem). “TTPD” is perhaps the most positive retelling of their time together, but even that implies he was better off stoned and when he sobered up he succumbed to his demons all over again, and more importantly she conveys how she also is in extreme distress, barely concealed by the veneer of being infatuated with him. (E.g. saying to that she’ll kill herself if he ever leaves her — the implication is that she is absolutely serious about it when she “felt seen.”) And that the warning bells are going off in her head, but she feels like this person is the only one she can be with (because they’re equally fucked up and the chaos he brings into her life makes her feel alive when she felt so close to death).

“Down Bad” is the most explicit about being in love, but she’s also left completely confused and disoriented by him disappearing, wondering if any of it was real and the seeds of violation creep into her consciousness (“did you really beam me up in a cloud of sparkling dust just to do experiments on?” “Waking up in blood.”). “But Daddy” is her imagining she can tell everyone to fuck off for telling her what to do with her life. “Fresh Out The Slammer” is her fantasizing about this man while feeling trapped in her relationship — but never in the song is she actually reunited with him; she’s using him as the projection of all the things she’ll make right after being wronged by her partner. “Guilty As Sin?” Is very obviously about her fantasizing about sleeping with him, but again it’s such a minefield for her because it hasn’t happened yet; they’ve only just reconnected. “I Can Fix Him” is the only song other than “TTPD” that shows them actually together, and it’s the one where she keeps saying, essentially, “I know he’s gross but I can rehabilitate him into an upstanding person, trust me,” until the mic drop at the end of the song where it finally hits her that no, she can’t, because this is who he is, not the person she’s built him up to be.

“Loml” is when it all comes crashing down, and the song emphasizes everything he did and told her, e.g. that she’s the love of his life, but she doesn’t return the sentiment in the song about their time together. Because now that it’s past tense, she knows it wasn’t actually love. (And says as much in the album epilogue poem.) “Broken Heart” is her reeling in the aftermath, but again, it’s “he said,” not “I loved.” And then there’s “The Smallest Man,” where she eviscerates him: he also pursued an idea of her but didn’t care much for the real her in front of him (who else is gonna know me?), he love bombed her only to hurt her (crushing her dreams), he was constantly stoned (and not just in the funny munchies kind of way), and he wasn’t even a good lover (despite the fantasy she’d created before). That last point is especially striking because she spent albums singing about the importance of and pleasure in (sexual) intimacy in the relationship with her partner (sometimes to both their own detriment) and how it was at times the only way they could connect, but in this case, the idea she hyped up and acted on in her head about this lover never panned out in practice. She spells it out in the epilogue: it wasn’t a love affair, it was a mutual manic phase.

In contrast, there’s a lot more tangible action in the “oven” (partner) parts of the album, showing how hard she tried to make the relationship work in real life instead of just in her head. All of “So Long, London” is her detailing how she tried to break through to him and support him, even when he rejected it and pushed her away, thinking she could carry them both until they ultimately sank, but she did it because she “loved this place for so long.” (The place? Not just the city, but the home and perhaps most importantly, him.) In “Slammer” she stayed with him even as things disintegrated for “one hour of sunshine.” (E.g. holding onto the rarer good times even as they were fewer and further between, hoping things would eventually turn around.) And like in “London,” she held on despite people in her life pleading with her that it was hurting her. (Which is also echoed in “Slammer.”) In “Guilty” her boredom is “bone deep” because the passion that once drove their relationship (and papered over their problems) has finally gone out too, so there’s nothing left to hold onto, leading to her fantasizing about the new suitor, which makes her realize her relationship has passed the point of no return. “Loml” is about the conman on the surface, but the undercurrent of all the things she says about him is that he was co-opting the dreams that she was clinging onto for dear life in the previous relationship, which is why the con is so painful; the field of dreams he sets ablaze isn’t just the fake painting he sold to her, but the original artifact (her life with her partner) too.

All the physical and emotional labour she puts into the relationship with her partner ends up reflected in the fantasizing she does in the one with the conman, which is why it is so confusing in the moment and so lethal when he leaves her without any answers. She wants to get married and start a family with her partner which keeps getting stalled; the conman mock-proposes which makes her think he’s immediately serious (“TTPD,” “loml”). She feels caged by having to hide with her partner and shrink herself; the conman promises he’ll stand by her side publicly and let her shine (“Smallest Man”). She sinks into a deep depression in her loneliness as the relationship with her partner careens off a cliff; the conman convinces her they’re meant for each other in a them-against-the-world way (“Down Bad”). The intimacy (in all senses of the word) in her relationship with her partner fizzles; the conman stokes the fire by sending her secret messages and reigniting passion (“Guilty”). She spent years trying to help her partner to no avail; the conman makes her think she has the power to reform him (“loml”). She feels misunderstood by her partner; the conman acts like he’s the (only) one who truly gets her (“TTPD,” “loml”).

In short: there’s nothing that the conman does or says that isn’t a direct response to what her partner did first, and it’s even worse because the conman knew how much her partner’s actions hurt her and he used that privileged information to paint a picture of what he could give her, but in doing so in some ways aimed at her heart with even deadlier accuracy. (I’ve likened it to him borrowing someone else’s life for his own joyride, until he crashes the rental car and flees the scene.) It’s why in the aftermath, the difference in emotions are so different: she feels nothing but rage and violation towards the conman for getting in her head and using her, whereas her feelings towards her partner are more complicated. There’s anger (at her lost youth and being taken for granted), but there’s also sorrow (at their lost life and future), disappointment (that he never could step up the way he’d promised or she’d needed), even compassion (towards his struggles) and a tiny measure of appreciation (for the good times they did share).

When you look at the bigger picture, the story the album paints is just so painfully normal. You have two people (Taylor and her partner) who once loved each other deeply, and despite warning signs early on telling them they have fundamentally different needs and ways of living their lives they fight like hell to make it work (the epilogue) until those warning signs become grenades that destroy their home (“My Boy,” “London,” “Slammer,” arguably “loml”). Having already been through at least one rough patch/break/breakup that she felt almost destroyed her (harkening back to Midnights on “You’re Losing Me,” “The Great War” and “Hits Different”), the final and fatal downward spiral of the relationship (“YLM,” “London”) and the grief over losing that future sends her into a tailspin, just at the time where a flame from the past (the conman) reenters her life and tells her all the things she’s been longing to hear and feel (“TTPD,” “Down Bad,” “Guilty,” “loml”) and, crucially, missing from the relationship that was once her entire life.

So in her panic, she falls prey to the (empty) promises of the past lover (“loml,” “Smallest Man”) and decides he’s actually what will save her from the free fall, because the alternative (that she will end up in a situation she doesn’t think she can survive) is too painful to bear. When she finally acts on these circumstances (leaves her partner/runs to the conman), she snaps, acting on pure emotion and adrenaline (“But Daddy”), but before she knows it, the new lover abandons her, and she’s left to reckon with the fallout of the episode and process everything that has happened (“Down Bad,” “loml”) — with the conman, with her partner, with the choices made in her adult life personally and professionally which leads her back to the moment she feels set her down that road at the start.

The TL;DR of this unintentionally long essay is that the reason the conman affair was so serious was precisely because it was meant to fulfill the promise of what was her life with her partner. To me, a large part of the story is that she projected that life onto the conman (or he projected her life back to her for his own purposes) because she wasn’t ready to deal with that massive grief and the life raft he offered felt like the only alternative to an even darker end. Whether the conman actually believed what he told her, or he went along with it or encouraged it because it served his purpose, we’ll never know, just like we’ll never know the finer details of what went on (nor should we). But no matter what, the album is just an extreme deep dive into all the ways grief can consume us, and whether it’s a long, drawn-out death or a sudden, inexplicable one, it can turn a person’s life into such a trainwreck that they act in ways unfathomable to even them, let alone the people around them. It can also unleash repressed trauma and mental illness that can crater your sense of self. And when those situations are compounded? It makes for a nearly impossible type of breakdown to unpack. (Which is why you might need a 31 song album to process it.)

[balleater]

something i've already posted about in the past but am thinking about again because of the conversations in this episode is that i still truly do not understand bells hells'(well, particularly ashton's) view on what is going to happen if the information about aeor gets sent out to the people of exandria. obviously, i'm not an average person living in that world and am instead a viewer of the media with fairly extensive knowledge of the lore, so i could definitely just be missing what the impact would actually be! but the insistence that it would be a world shattering revelation that completely turns everyone against the odds just... doesn't make sense to me?

unless ludinus has a way of editing the information he presents and can take away the context, which would basically make the "footage" even more strange, what they're going to be seeing is... the gods saving themselves from people with the active ability to murder them all and having a rather humanizing crisis of what they should do about it? i guess the working with the betrayer gods part could be considered the controversial aspect of it, but overall, considering everything else that was destroyed in the calamity, aeor really was the one instance that was closest to being "justified". i don't think anyone who cares enough about the gods for this to cause any sort of big disruption of faith would have as big of a problem with it as they are assuming, nor do i really think it's something that would cause mass revolts against the gods in people who aren't devout.

[moeblob]

Happy Birthday to Ferdinand von Aegir!

I actually made 33 emotes, affectionately known as Aegirglyphics to some, for my own personal use on discord. However, I figure why not share some of them! They're free to use for discord servers/icons/pfps or whatever. However, my only request is Do NOT use them as subscriber emotes on Twitch. You can make them free follower emotes but you are not to make them locked behind a paywall.

[purpurussy]

writer's block is debilitating atm. i want to write soooooooooo badly but im just sitting here staring at google docs with 0 neuron activation

[blueheartedmayor]

OOC:

Good morning!

As the long-term writer who has had this political muse for two full U.S p.residental cycles, I've decided this time I'm going to do something about it.

There's a good chance that people will find today stressful. I can't guarantee I'll be here the entire time because of time zones. However! Should you wish to have something to take your mind off things, the three blogs I write (this one, Wilf, and the "multi") are open! This also includes reaching out privately to chat (... d.iscord is a maybe, but it's fine to use if we already shared them).

Want to figure out dynamics? Talk about your muses? Just talk in general about the franchise (except E.dge of S.leep since that hasn't released here yet)? That's fine too!

Let's keep the overall dash space open today and keep the energy levels positive!

[sisterdivinium]

Rating: Teen And Up Audiences Category: Gen Characters: Sister Lilith (Warrior Nun), Shotgun Mary (Warrior Nun), Mother Superion (Warrior Nun), Ava Silva, Jillian Salvius, Sister Beatrice (Warrior Nun), Father Vincent (Warrior Nun), Cardinal Duretti (Warrior Nun), Adriel (Warrior Nun), Sister Camila (Warrior Nun) Additional Tags: Angst, It's all of their relationships to one another and to the halo, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence

A short AU for if Mary hadn't arrived on time and Lilith managed to get the halo in 1x05.

[roofhowze]

guys !! thank you so much for the support on my poll !!

i've started designing keychains for the most popular characters and i'll show them to you all as soon as im happy with them!

this is the first time i do anything like this and it's very exciting to me! it Will however take a little bit of time, especially for the manufacturing process, i've already sent the order for some samples from a manufacturer and i want to make sure these come out okay before placing a larger order !

i also need to open up an etsy or ko-fi shop so you guys can actually buy the merch! (feedback on this would be appreciated <3)

this is all so exciting !!!! i appreciate your patience and understanding and feedback! aaaand ill update whenever i can !

[vynegar]

behind-the-scenes rambling now that part one is FINALLY posted

[goodfellowe]

There's something about the way crisp snowflakes flutter smoothly down from the sky and the way she yearns for a home she is no longer able to return to that leads Kid to suspect something in the universe has changed. In which Hat Kid, now grown, returns to the planet her adventures began on and teams up with an old friend-turned-enemy to take down someone who serves as a bigger threat to the universe than anything she's ever known… and realizes that if she's not careful, this adventure might be her last.

Chapter 11: Give Me an Answer, Part One

Mu wants answers. Kid has them... even if she claims otherwise.

[edenorisshitposting]

Everyone keeps saying how tattoos are addictive, and "you'll see, once you get one, you're gonna want more". But honestly, my first tattoo left me pretty satisfied with my experience, and with no desire to get another one.

If my friend didn't die suddenly I would probably never want a second tattoo.

[mccoalminer]

Imagine being so far down a bigotry rabbit hole that you think people hating you must be because you're Not Part Of A Minority Group. Imagine being too self absorbed to consider the much more simple and plausible possibility that people hate you because you're... yknow... being an asshole. voldemort deluding himself into believing everyone hates him because he's straight and not because he's a white supremacist, mass murderer, literal personification of evil, etc

Girl help I'm being demonised and dehumanised for *checks notes* not being trans. Nothing to do with the hate and vitriol I'm spouting ahaha

She ain't even subtle anymore lmao

[qiqi-media]

Wash day was so calming today