#I want to. but I can’t force myself to… not yet

[sickeddyville]

Guilt

Pair: zayne x reader

Prompt: you remembered everything. zayne got cursed because he saved you.

Note: i have not finished reading his myths, so this may be totally inaccurate 😭 but i've seen bits of his lore and its tearing me apart so here is full angst for yall.

Warning: pure angst no comfort (he's comforting u but..)

Part 2 | Part 3

you begin to distance yourself. It’s small at first—subtle. You try to make excuses not to see him, to change your primary care physician, to keep him at arm's length. If he’s not around, maybe he won’t suffer for knowing you. Maybe the curse won’t follow him. It’s a desperate attempt to protect him, even though you know deep down it’s futile.

When Zayne notices, he doesn’t let it slide.

“Where are you going?” His voice is gentle, but there’s a trace of concern lacing his words as he catches your wrist, stopping you before you can slip away.

You freeze, avoiding his gaze, unwilling to meet those kind eyes. “I’m just... I’m just changing my doctor. It’s nothing.”

“You’ve been distant lately,” Zayne presses, his tone more insistent now. “And now you’re changing your primary physician? What’s going on? Talk to me.”

You’re trapped. You can’t tell him the truth. You can’t tell him that everything is your fault. Instead, you try to brush it off.

“It’s nothing, really. Just... don’t worry about it.”

But he isn’t buying it. His hand tightens around your wrist, gently, yet firmly, pulling you into a quiet room where no one can hear.

“Don’t lie to me,” he says, his voice soft but unwavering. “I care about you, and I can’t just let you shut me out without an explanation.”

You swallow hard, feeling your chest tighten. The weight of your secret suffocating you. “I’m sorry, Zayne. I just need space. Please understand.”

But Zayne’s patience runs out. “No, I don’t understand. You’re shutting me out for a reason. Tell me what’s going on.”

“I just need to distance myself from you,” you say quietly, your voice trembling despite your best efforts to remain calm. “In that way, I won’t hurt you.”

Zayne’s brow furrows in confusion, his grip on your wrist tightening as if he’s trying to hold onto the fragments of you that he feels slipping away. “What are you talking about? You’re not hurting me.”

“You don’t understand,” you whisper, turning your face away to hide the tears that are beginning to form. “I have a feeling you already know what this is, what I’m doing to you. And I want to protect you, even if it means... this.”

He takes a step closer, his eyes softening with concern. “Protect me? By pushing me away?”

You simply nod, no words coming out of your mouth.

Zayne’s hand lifts, gently cupping your face, forcing you to meet his gaze. “I dont understand."

"I remember everything..." The silence between you both thickens, and you see the confusion in Zayne's eyes.

"Zayne... you were cursed because of me," you continue, the guilt you’ve kept buried rising to the surface in a flood of emotions you can’t stop. "We can’t be together. It’s all my fault."

The words spill out before you can stop them. You’re afraid that the truth is too much for him to understand, afraid he’ll never forgive you.

Zayne is silent for a beat, his hands frozen on your shoulders as if trying to process the gravity of what you’ve just said.

"You... you remember everything?" His voice is barely above a whisper, the vulnerability in it making your heart break even more.

You nod, tears streaming down your face as you look at him. "I remember our past life... And I remember that it was my fault. You were cursed because of me, Zayne. Every lifetime, every time... it’s always been because of me."

Zayne’s expression softens, but there’s still a struggle in his eyes. "But I don't remember any of it. How can this be... your fault? Why are you punishing yourself for something you can’t control?"

You take a breath, and then, barely able to speak through the lump in your throat, you say:

"From the start, I also had a heart condition. You were the Forseer... you had the Protocore that could save me." You pause, closing your eyes as the weight of the truth presses down on you. "You saved me, you betrayed Astra, the god you served... and he cursed you for every lifetime, Zayne. Every lifetime. It’s all my fault."

Zayne's eyes widen with realization, his breath hitching. He’s silent for a long while, he’s trying to make sense of everything.

You can’t stop the tears now, even as your heart shatters with the weight of it all. "I never wanted to bring this curse onto you. I didn’t want this. But... I couldn’t stop it. Every time... it’s always the same. You can never escape the consequences. I can never escape the fact that your life is tied to mine in ways that... hurt you. I’ve caused you so much pain."

Zayne takes a step toward you, his voice shaking but firm. "No. You didn’t cause this. This... curse—it wasn’t your fault. It was mine. From how I see it, I chose to defy Astra. I chose to save you, and I dont regret it."

He takes your hands, pulling them gently to his chest, his eyes never leaving yours. "But I’m not going to stand here and let you destroy yourself because of it. I don’t care about the curse. I care about you."

As you stay wrapped in Zayne's embrace, His steady heartbeat against your ear, reminds you just how deeply he's intertwined with your life.

You can’t let yourself stay with him.

Zayne’s arms tighten around you, his touch gentle but firm, his voice soft as he murmurs into your hair. "I won’t let you go. You’re not alone, no matter what you think. We can face this together."

You pull back slightly, forcing a small smile, masking the turmoil inside. "I know... but I need time. I need to think things through, Zayne."

His gaze softens, concern flickering in his eyes. "You don’t need time. You need me. I’m here for you. Always."

"I know.." you whispered, hugging him back and holding unto him tightly.

But you already have a plan, and though it breaks you inside, you know what you have to do. This pain—this love—it’s the only way to free him.

You just have to make him believe it.

[100frogsinatrenchcoat]

FUCK IT. DRAWTECTIVES FANFIC.

I haven’t seen any of these yet, and as they say, write the fanfic you wish to see in the world, so:

Eugene has a breakdown which leads to his Zesty Blonde Era <3

Eugene stared at himself in the mirror feeling nauseous. Feeling like a monster.

It wasn’t his fault. Everyone said so, they all agreed. It wasn’t him — it was Leland. Eugene had meant well. He had just wanted to help.

God he had just wanted to help.

Still. Eugene didn’t like himself very much right now.

People had been hurt. Because of him. Their afterlives had been taken from them. Eugene had worked so hard and this was what he had achieved — pain, confusion, and even more problems he couldn’t solve.

Eugene should be asleep right now. Trying to clean up the mess that the Celestial Spear had caused was taking up almost all his free time. He should be sleeping while he had the chance.

But free time led to thinking and thinking led to grief, and so instead of sleeping Eugene stood in the bathroom, staring at his reflection, and trying not to cry or throw up his meager dinner.

“Eugene?” came a voice from outside the door.

Eugene jumped, startled out of his thoughts, “Oh! Hi Felix” Eugene wiped the tears that had started forming in the corners of his eyes, “You can come in. Did you need something?”

Felix pushed open the door, shuffling his feet awkwardly, “Um, no but, uh… do you? It’s late, and you’ve been just sort of…standing there?Looking in the mirror I guess? Are you okay?”

Eugene forced a smile and nodded. “I’m okay Felix. I’m just… thinking I guess.”

“Oh! Well that makes sense! You’re pretty smart so you think a lot! You just don’t usually do it while staring in a mirror at one in the morning.”

Eugene sighed, exhausted, but pat Felix’s head affectionately. “Yeah, I just- I’m thinking about myself, sort of. I don’t know. Maybe I could be better.”

“Better how?” Felix asked with concern, “I like you like this!”

Eugene smiled. That made one of them at least. What had he ever done to deserve such a sweet friend?

“Thanks Felix. And I don’t know really. It’s just- things are kinda hard right now. I messed everything up. I feel like-“ Eugene’s voice broke, the emotions he tried to control pushing through as he talked, “I feel so useless. How could I have messed up so badly? I need to fix it but I can’t I messed it all up and now I’m not even good enough to fix it, I-“

Felix pulled him into a hug. It was awkward and clunky with Felix’s animatronic body, but the show of comfort and affection broke the walls he had built up and made Eugene start crying in earnest.

“I just- I need to change.” Eugene mumbled “I don’t think I’m good anymore”

Felix hummed thoughtfully, holding Eugene tighter. “Well… I think you’re good still! But if you wanna change, maybe just change a little bit? I don’t want you to change too much… I like you right now!”

“Thanks Felix… I just don’t know what to do. I don’t know what I can do, I just need to change. I don’t like being like this.”

They stood like that in silence for a bit, before Felix exclaimed “oh! I have an idea!”

Not too much later Eugene was looking at himself in the mirror again , this time with blonde hair, and Felix chattering excitedly behind him.

He smiled. It was small, but for the first time in a while, it wasn’t forced. Dying his hair had helped - in a way. It wasn’t the hair itself, so much as the process.

Because it meant he wasn’t standing alone in the bathroom hating himself. He was running out with Felix to buy hair dye, and listening to Felix read the instructions while the cat chose music to listen to, and he was talking about something that wasn’t death and money.

And when it was done and he went to bed, he was so tired he slept through his alarm, but he couldn’t bring himself to be upset.

Because looking in the mirror, the first thing he saw wasn’t a fuckup- it was just him. Someone who had spent the night doing something stupid with his friend.

[16-puppies]

I don’t really have the energy right now to argue any more than I will in this post as to why I don’t really like the phrase but since im ‘traumagenic’ I just want to say beforehand that personally, it just makes me uncomfortable. It’s not necessarily about what it represents, but it’s the wording and what it could theoretically imply, just going off of wording alone. Obviously, since my system comes from trauma, I’m biased towards that viewpoint but I do understand that plurality isn’t limited to what I experience. It’s just hard to shake the idea that plurality can be something purely positive since that’s just not what I experience. That’s my own problem though, I suppose.

I do understand where you’re coming from in some of these points and after reading it I do get what you’re trying to say and accomplish here, although I have an additional interpretation. It’s like the lefthandedness chart to me, plural acceptance will lead to more people realizing they are plural. And that’s a good thing, yes! But I need you and everyone else using the phrase to understand that at first glance it really doesn’t come off like what you’re describing or even what I just described, and it seems like many of the people who are in favor of it aren’t interpreting it the way you see it either. I’ve seen many posts about it claiming that it *doesnt* imply there will be more plurals, in an effort to look better to traumagenic systems like myself who aren’t completely on board with the phrase. I also don’t appreciate how traumagenic systems who take even the slightest offense to it are being treated by the ones in favor of it just because the phrase bears resemblance to other phrases calling for acceptance like “the future is trans” — i feel like it’s obvious that when including systems who are formed from trauma the community should be receptive of their concerns since this is a very sensitive topic, and yet I’ve seen far too many people compare traumagenic systems to angry transphobes who are “traumatized” by the “woke left” just because they don’t want their very Real trauma seemingly paraded around like some award, even if you and others claim that’s not what’s happening.

Overall I think the phrase could have used some workshopping to avoid confusion , or the usage of the phrase should have been completely defined from the start so that confused and concerned onlookers have easy access to a post that explains what the movement is about in depth rather than tacking important info on to my random post lazily complaining about syscourse (/lighthearted) Obviously you can’t control all your followers or supporters of the phrase, but maybe if it was handled differently there would have been less assumptions about it? Either way, I think it’s well within the right of traumagenic systems to dislike the wording regardless of what it represents. You can’t force everyone to like it, even if it is meant to represent a good idea.

Again, I want to reiterate that I get where you’re coming from with this and I would love for plural acceptance too obviously, but I think it should have been handled differently because the feelings of traumagenic systems are important too.

(I won’t be responding to this any further, the original post was just meant to be a jokey thing anyways.)

i love seeing system positivity posts because it makes me feel less Fake about it but god i hate all the discourse. why is tumblr just discourse. Everyone explode NOW

also why is plural tumblr so bad at wording things. “guys nooooo ‘the future is plural’ is about acceptance of plurality!!1!1!” okay but. surely you see what it sounds like right. Surely you do. Why are you defending the worst slogan i’ve ever heard This hard. ‘the future is singlet’ doesn’t sound right either. Can we all just kill ourselves /ref

[goblin-enjoyer]

*draws something for the first time in a while. “Man I suck at drawing! Maybe go back to being good at it if I draw more!”

*doesn’t draw

*doesn’t draw

*doesn’t draw

*doesn’t draw

*doesn’t draw

*doesn’t draw

*doesn’t draw

*doesn’t draw

*doesn’t draw

*doesn’t draw

“Oh I got a neat idea for a drawing! Surely I have gotten better by now!” Loop post

[wildsaltair]

watching Gladiator feeling like a wife who’s sighing over her beloved who was put in prison for a crime he didn’t commit. free my husband

[therealcheekface]

generally i think viral tiktok sounds are annoying af but the one that’s like “you know you have 30 minutes right” or whatever is literally the theme of my relationship

[dreamyberry]

/3.11.24

[harmonizewithechoes]

.

[juvellianthebee]

i just wanna be able to freely be a nerd… being normal is HARD

[angelicwolf98]

...

[boomerang109]

I hate mental illness so much

[exopelagic]

sudden realisation that the thing holding my art back is that I never had an anime phase

[transcarcinization]

i think i’ve accidentally hacked my brain into thinking i need to eat at all times but haven’t actually convinced it food tastes good or is edible

[pepprs]

mission failed we’ll get em next time 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

[seventh-district]

sitting here watching this video take 6 entire hours to get 4% of the way uploaded and begrudgingly coming to the conclusion that i can no longer put off upgrading to fiber internet

[shego1142]

I’m failing and I know I’m failing but please if someone can just tell me that it’s okay, that I’m allowed to fail, I’ve been given permission to fail and I don’t have to worry anymore I’ll still have a house, a home, friends and family and food and maybe a nice thing to do or something entertaining for a little while

Tell me it’s not all my fault, it can be some my fault but tell me it’s not all my fault all mine all alone

Tell me it’s not that everything is exactly this hard for everyone and only I am the one who is getting left behind

That can’t be it right? It can’t be this hard for everyone, right?

Tell me the bone deep weariness is a missing vitamin

Tell me the exhaustion and pain is a sickness

It doesn’t have to have a cure just don’t tell me it’s the norm

Tell me it’s not just excuses

Tell me you believe me, tell me you know it’s not just an excuse.

Tell me you have seen how hard I try.

Just let me know if I can stop trying so hard

Because I’m starting to think my best is not enough

So just tell me if I can stop giving it my all?

Tell me you’re proud of my attempts even if they don’t come with success

Even if they never come with success

Tell me I’m missing a vitamin

Me: You know how when you were a kid and you’d wish that you’d get sick or injured in a way that would justify why you didn’t live up to your potential?

Everybody, apparently: No?