#I want to say these ones but I can't think of the timeframe

[catboybiologist]

So.

Re: tumblr bans of transfemmes.

Let's ignore PhotoMatt for a moment. Manbaby tech CEO doubling down on a stupid decision and making himself look like more of an ass doing so is not a new phenomena.

Tumblr has consistently said, in both public statements and leaked internal communication, that they're essentially running a skeleton crew.

They keep saying that they don't have the resources to moderate, manually review posts, have any kind of appeal process, or anything. So, as people have widely received communications about, they seemed to have automated a significant portion of the moderation to operate solely on the quantity of reports (probably with a basic filter, eg quantity of reports regarding a certain post, within a certain timeframe) to automatically ban or shadowban accounts.

And so, they wipe their hands, both to the users, the public, and their own consciousness, and go about their automated operations.

All of this is likely true. Tumblr, at this point, is essentially abandonware internally, a kind of weird vanity project/dumpster ground for server infrastructure for Automattic. Likely, they don't want the bad press of "shutting down" fully. Or maybe the trickle of revenue they get here just barely exceeds operating costs, so why not keep it around?

Whatever is the case, the bans are a result of an automated process working in the background. I'm giving them some benefit of the doubt here, of course, we can't know anything for certain- but it seems like the individual bans are not based on any specific, manual action.

And that doesn't fucking excuse anything.

Because at some point, multiple people sat down at tumblr, and decided how to cut costs.

And they decided that the bare minimum of report abuse prevention was one of the first things on the chopping block.

Before the boops. Before GUI reconfigures.

They decided to cut something that is necessary to manage online communities.

They decided to cut something that ensures any targeted group will have any kind of community online.

And then, after all of that, the only manual intervention is doubling down on the shitty decisions that the automated systems make, and plucking reasons out of their ass for why they were the right decisions all along.

It's pure silicon valley brain. Blame the computer often and always. Use it to shield the active decisions you made when designing the computer that way. Treat it as a fact of life as opposed to something they actively made decisions for.

Is tumblr staff hitting the banhammer on each transfemme one by one? No.

Is tumblr staff deliberately crafting a system that allows TERFs and other conservative bigots to get rid of the "undesirables" for them? Yup. But they sure as hell are trying to not say the quiet part out loud. If they can always point the finger somewhere else, to the advertisers, to the automated systems, to the TERFs, then they can always have juuusssttt enough plausible deniability.

But being the "queerest place on the internet" requires concious acknowledgement that queer people will be targets of harassment, and you will have to protect against that.

Side note, this is why I do try to keep my blog at least somewhat SFW. Its one of the main reasons why I choose not to reblog all of the posts I'm tagged in- if the post is overtly NSFW, I've probably seen it, appreciated it, and consciously decided my level of interaction with it mostly based on how "tumblr friendly" it is. Is that bowing down to them? A little. It's also my choice. I value the community I have here. The pushes that y'all have given me gave me the strength to transition, and honestly gives me a lot of motivation to research HRT biology as much as I can, among many other things.

Yeah, I post pictures that are clearly meant to be found attractive in ways that are generally not socially acceptable , but never actual NSFW. I would like to think that I'm pretty safe from bans, but hey. Who knows. I don't want to lose my follower base, and the community around it.

And yeah, I'm gonna annoyingly remind you of the other places to find me, make sure to check my pin. If you don't know where to go, just find me on reddit and go from there, I'll post about it if anything happens.

[easy-there-leftovers]

As Cool As I Think I Am

Summary: The 5 times Spencer tries to be cool, and the 1 time he doesn't care. 

Alternatively; Spencer never thought he was cool, but he found himself wanting to be just for you. 

[a/n] Recommended to be read after, "A Question Unasked", and is a roundabout sequel to "Mixed Messages."

Pairing: Spencer Reid x fem! (mentored by Hotch!) reader| cw: slight spoilers for s1e04, s1e06, s1e08, s1e10, and s1e18 | description of canon-typical violence, timeframe switches because I can, and Spencer being an oblivious, lovesick idiot (can't believe this version of him survived all of this lol) | word count: 7.2k

Amazing. You had called him, “amazing” during the Arizona case and that was all that had been occupying his mind as of late. He had been called brilliant before. Been described as bright, gifted, hell, he was called a genius even. Yet that was the first time anyone had said anything positive about him.

Removed from his intellectual capabilities.

It made him think that there was more that he could offer than just his never-ending stream of knowledge and incessant rambling.

You had seen that in him.

Seen that he was 'amazing.'

But he certainly wasn’t feeling that way now.

“On SWAT we broke shots down into three steps." Spencer nodded as he listened.

"One: Front sight. Focus on the front sight, not on the target. Two: Controlled trigger press. Three: Follow through. After the shot, you come right back to the target. Now, what did you do wrong?”

He sighs with his eyes closed. “I didn't follow through.” 

“Right. You came off the target to see where you hit.”

Hotch had been observing him for the past few minutes to prepare him for his assessment tomorrow, and yet it still felt like he was making no discernable progress. 

He had memorized every trick, every form, every physics interplay that could better the ballistics of his shot and yet he still couldn't do it.

"Hotch, my firearms qualification is tomorrow morning. I barely passed my last one." He had said, putting the gun down.

He feels his unit chief gently push him aside to demonstrate and he gets in position.

"Front sight," He aims his gun.

"Trigger press," He presses down on the trigger, resulting in a gunshot to the target.

"Follow through." He finally says. Keeping his eyes forward with his finger still depressing the trigger until he holsters his gun again.

"You do those three things, you'll hit your target every time." Spencer shakes his head.

He tries to replicate the steps again, but only fails miserably.

He has been doing that. He is doing that. And yet he still keeps missing.

If this wasn't part of his job, maybe he wouldn't have cared all too much about his gun proficiency. Or lack of.

And yet it was.

And it was imperative that he learned it to keep his place on the team, but he had been losing hope.

"They're going to take away my gun."

Sensing his frustration, Hotch empathizes with him.

"Profilers aren't required to carry." He groans at that.

"Yeah, but she does and she's great at it."

God, you must've thought he was pathetic.

Aaron laughs internally at that. He knows exactly who the younger one is talking about.

He had seen the way that Spencer had been watching his 'protege,' and it didn't take being a profiler to know that he was absolutely smitten. If he hadn't known any better, he would've thought that Reid's frustrations stemmed from wanting to seem more experienced in front of you.

And Hotch saw no problem with that, at least for now. On the contrary, the two of you working together seemed to have bolstered his focus on the case. Making the team more efficient with their investigations.

He also thinks that it helped because you seemed to return Reid's sentiment, which is why he had brought you along to help him.

So when Spencer turns and sees you walk in, he blanches.

As much as he really liked your presence (you were friends, right?), he really didn't want to embarrass himself in front of you.

He does that more than enough on his own.

But it seemed like your mentor didn't care.

Hotch says your name with a greeting before excusing himself which tells Spencer that he had planned this from the start. He sighs at that. Chest feeling heavy at the pressure.

He sees you give him a polite smile, which he's come to recognize to be your way of easing him, and he returns it.

"I've heard about your progress." Spencer rolls his eyes at that.

"More like regress. I'm sorry that you have to be here." You snort at his joke but shake your head to assure him.

"I'm right where I want to be. "

His heart fills, even though he knows that not what you meant.

"Why don't you go ahead and show me how you fire that gun?"

He nods and waits for you to put on your ear muffs and goggles before he returns to his position. Calming himself down as he remembers Hotch's words.

Front sight, trigger press, follow through.

He fires three bullets and sees them all hit the whites of the target, which makes him sigh for the umpteenth time.

He puts the gun down and lowers his ear muffs to look at you. Seemingly deep in thought, chin resting on your hand, with eyes travelling slowly up and down his form. Observing.

Scrutinizing.

Assessing.

He can't help but feel naked under your gaze.

He always knew you were smart. The cases you've helped solve were more than proof of just that, but he knew that even you couldn't solve the mystery that was his aim.

He couldn't expect that of you. He relies on you so often already.

He briefly wonders how there's such a different between you and him. You joined the same year, joined the same unit, and worked with the same people on the same cases. How was it that you seemed calmer, cooler, and more prepared for anything more than he ever was?

Spencer firmly believes that intelligence cannot be quantified. And if anyone ever doubted him, he would just point at you and say that you had him beat everywhere despite what any number might have to say otherwise.

Case and point. you had been talking to him about something very important and thoughtful and he had been zoning out the entire time.

"I um,–– what?"

You shake your head and gesture to his gun once more. "Show me your form again."

He takes his gun hesitantly, but readies himself the same way he did earlier. The only exception being that his finger isn't on the trigger.

He hears that telltale, almost bored, 'hm' of yours before you speak again.

"Tuck your chest in."

He's read countless firearm manuals and instructions and he's never heard of that before.

"I'm sorry?"

"Tuck your chest in." You say it again, but it's still not making sense to him.

Unable to voice or even act upon his confusion, he watches as you wait with an impassive face before asking,

"Can I touch you?" He lets out a shaky, but immediate 'yes' and you move to stand beside him.

Given your calm and nonchalant demeanor, he anticipates a more impersonal touch. For lack of a better word. He expects a shove. Maybe a push, to correct him into the right place.

So when your hand comes to softly rest on his stomach, fingers splaying across the expanse of his undefined abdominal muscles, he feels his breath hitch. Upper body slightly crumpling in on himself as he does.

He's surprised he hasn't dropped his gun.

"Dr. Reid,"

He's also surprised that his heart hasn't stopped. With how you said his name, and how close you are– he can already feel your soft breath gracing his ear–

"You're an autodidact, aren't you?"

A self-taught person, he thinks.

"I–– I am." Curse his shaky voice.

"You know, there are some things that can't be learned by just reading textbooks and looking at diagrams."

He feels you tap his stomach and he suddenly feels hot.

"Feel this?" He feels you engulfing his senses, that's for sure. But he nods slowly.

"Remember it. Your center of gravity is different from the subjects in those graphics. So the form you need to take is likewise different."

And just like that, all too quick for his liking, you move away. Hand leaving him just like whatever depraved thought might've been running around his head.

He hesitantly looks back at you, and you gesture to his gun again. Noticing how your free hand is resting on the gun in your holster.

A Glock 19, he remembers.

"Go ahead and shoot like that now."

He does, in the same way that he's compelled to follow your voice like always–

Front sight, trigger press, follow through.

And fires three shots.

To his surprise, he manages to shoot the target's chest. Not quite centered, he admits, but its a vast improvement from his previous attempts.

"I– I did it." He feels the disbelief on his face when he looks at you again. He's expecting you to look just as shocked as he does. After all, you saw just how egregious his aim was. So it surprises him when he turns and is greeted instead with the small smile on your face.

Not the same polite smile that you usually give when you're at work, no. It was a soft, genuine smile, or so he thinks.

"I never doubted your capabilities, Dr. Reid."

He beams under your praise. Blooming like a flower under the warm radiance of the Sun. Once again subject to that brain-freezing sensation from a few weeks ago.

If he just remembers everything you told him today, which wasn't a lot, he theoretically should pass his firearm qualifications with no problem.

And maybe, just maybe, he'll get to see you smile at him again.

After all, he had always wanted for you to look at him. Actually look at him.

Maybe if he passes his test this time, you will.

----

The following day, he doesn’t pass his test.

And he is much more embarrassed now than he ever was before. 

He returns to the bullpen with his head down. Already expecting everyone to know of his failure.

He really didn't want to see if you were one of the ones that had been looking at him.

What he doesn't see is that you were.

But you weren't disappointed at all. You wanted nothing more than to reassure him. To tell him that you could always help him again, and that you didn't mind the extra work if it weren't for the stares that you had been getting back.

Seemingly turning your what-would've-been act of friendship and care into an expectation and responsibility.

"Make a wish!"

"Come on, man. Blow, baby, blow!"

"I thought you were full of hot air, Reid."

"They're trick candles, Spence, okay? They–– They're going to come back on every time."

While Spencer is glad that he’s spending his birthday with actual people, there's one in particular that he's missing.

He also feels sort of embarrassed that he's having a full-on birthday at his workplace. Though he is very thankful that his friends care about him enough to do this.

"Hope you like chocolate." JJ says with a laugh and he is only now recognizing the cake. Previously too caught up in blowing out the undying flames to even notice the festive dessert that supported them.

"Where's the cake from?" The blonde only gives him a look that he can't quite understand, but he is immediately distracted when he feels a draft from where Hotch passes by him.

He looks in the direction he came from and lo and behold, he found the very person he was missing.

He gets up, wanting to at least get a greeting from you, but he's interrupted by Gideon asking him something before he can even try.

"You having fun?"

He knows that he's asking him, but he can also see how his eyes aren't quite addressing him back. Instead, looking up a few inches above him.

He gives a tight lip smile when he realizes just what he's looking at.

God, he felt pathetic.

“Yes, definitely. I am definitely– having fun.” 

"Make a wish?" He asks another question and that’s when Spencer sees what he's doing now.

Ever since he first exhibited signs of interest in you, he knew that his mentor would be the first to clock them. He couldn't even hide it if he tried. If there was anyone on the team that he knew would figure it out this quick, it would've been him.

He expected it.

What he didn't expect was for Gideon to show disapproval for it.

For you.

Back during the Arizona case, he remembers how Gideon had interrupted you when you were explaining something. And that's when he realized you were going to have a hard time.

You were going to have a hard time because of his own rapidly growing interest.

Because he froze when you said one nice thing about him, then proceeded to wow him with your observational skills.

He didn't want Gideon to think that you were being a distraction to him, so he instead chose to show just how well the two of you had worked together. Even going as far as to double down and reiterate your statements to convince him of that.

And it seemed to have worked, but now he wasn't so sure.

"Can I take this hat off?"

He wanted nothing more than to do just that before you notice him, but his mentor just shook his head.

"I wouldn't."

He doesn't know it's because Gideon knew you found it cute.

By the time that he notices the elder doesn't really care about the conversation anymore, probably too distracted by the TV behind him, his gaze finally focuses on you.

The very person that he had intended to talk to.

The one he intended to talk the entire time before he got sidetracked.

You still hadn't turned to look at him though, or make an attempt to greet him. Not even a laugh to mock him for the huge, 'Happy Birthday' hat that sat on his head to make him look like a dunce!

Instead, you were staring at something. Or rather, someone.

He turns his head to look just where you were and there he sees his unit chief, your mentor, on the receiving end of your intense gaze.

Just like always.

He shakes his head and decides to just go talk to you, but he is once again interrupted. This time by Hotch with a solemn expression on his face.

“Sorry guys. Party’s over.”

You immediately spring into action at his words, completely missing his hand that was just about to come up to wave at you. He tightens his lips into a thin smile.

Spencer's starting to doubt Morgan and Elle's words.

–––––––––––––

The sentiment is rectified when he finally receives the one thing he had been looking forward to on his birthday, and it wasn't the gift.

Not even the greeting.

It was being able to be in your presence. Being able to spend time with you. The you that wasn't so stressed or strict about work, or the case, or your boss.

It was just him and you. You and him. And the scarf that seemed to warm him just as much as his heart warmed at the sight of your smiling face.

God, what he would do to have this with you forever.

Spencer is well aware that likes you.

Hell, even the rest of team knows it by now, but he's starting to fear that his unconscious mind is more aware of that than his conscious one.

Case and point, he had been having dreams.

Nightmares, actually.

Nightmares that he can't help but think will happen if he takes his eyes off of you for even a second.

Morgan had asked him earlier when he was making coffee if something was causing him to lose sleep. If you had been causing him to lose sleep, he had asked with a teasing smirk.

And while normally he would've flushed and stumbled at his implication that a night of you had been keeping him up, he admits to what's been plaguing his mind.

Naturally, he doesn't tell him the full nature of his night terrors. But his friend doesn't need him to. Not with the way that his eyes try to find yours every chance he gets, focus going in and out of the conversation like an adjusting lens.

Spencer fears that one day, no matter how strong or smart or clever you are, it's his negligence that'll place you on the receiving end of a killer's weapon.

And that there's nothing that he can do to stop them from landing the finishing blow.

He knows that it's not rational, but he also knows that dreams are rarely, if not never, rational. Studies show that around seventy to eighty-percent of dreams contain bizarre or irrational elements. This included unusual settings, impossible scenarios, and illogical developments to be featured in the unconscious brain.

Doesn't mean that he's alright with seeing it so often, though.

What's worse is that he knows that it can very much happen during the BAU cases. And that he can't even prepare himself for that scenario.

He's practically deadweight on the field with his still erratic aim and bambi legs, he's surprised you aren't sick of him yet.

He laughs a bit at the thought. Clutching a portion of his scarf—the only thing that has been keeping the nightmares at bay— as he promises himself that he won't leave your side.

Especially not in the confounding forest of McAllister, Virginia.

Which is why he's stuck in his current position.

“Dr. Reid, I need you to check back downhill and see if the deputies have returned.” He looks at you incredulously.

“What? No! I can’t leave you here– ” 

He doesn't know what exactly you found in the abandoned house, but he knew that it wasn't wise to leave you with no one but a high schooler.

You might think he's not all that different from the kid, but he's at least trained to be an FBI agent.

“We need the rest of the sheriffs and the crime scene team here.”

You looked dead into his eyes, yet he still didn't relent. No matter how reasonable your request was.

In any other situation, he might've thought you were cool. That you were handling the situation like a natural, and that you were very responsible for taking charge when he was there with his heart threatening to beat out of his chest.

But he didn't want to leave you. Not when you looked like you've just seen a ghost.

He grasped your shoulders, firmly but gently, and practically begged for you to come with him.

Stating that what you were feeling was a completely normal physiological response. That your body was sending neropinephrine to your brain to help regulate the stress and compensate for whatever was happening inside of you and that it would be safer to stay together––

But when he sees you ice him out– concealing all remaining traces of shock or fear or worry– he freezes.

His eyes raked across your features, biding his time. Committing every micro-reaction, every hair out of place, every faux-calm movement of your eyes before he had to let you go with a nod. Leaving hurriedly to find anyone that can help and constantly looking back at you to assure his consciousness that you were fine, and that you would be fine.

When he saw that the other sheriff wasn't there yet, much less anyone for that matter, he immediately went back. Running uphill fast to get to you.

To make sure that you were alright, that you were alive, and that no one was coming to hurt you.

Which is how he found himself here.

Gun held to his head by the very high schooler that, he thought, wouldn't have been of help if another dangerous person had shown up.

When you raised your hands and dropped your gun in surrender, he was scared of what would happen to you both if he didn't act quick.

But he was even more scared of what could happen to you if he doesn't talk his way out.

Fast.

So that's what he did.

––––––––––

He didn't get to check on you, he realizes.

He knew you were able to knock the kid out, he was there when he helped you distract him, but he must’ve been wheezing because he was the first one to get ushered out and checked on.

He wants to tell them to check on you. That you had landed pretty badly when the unsub was able to push you back, but he can hardly even hear his own thoughts.

The siren of the police car, the medic talking to him, the rest of the team discussing the case's outcome, and his own heart in his ears were simply too much for him.

By the time that things had settled down, he notices that you still aren't there with him. He worries and whips his head around wildly before his eyes find yours already looking at him.

Doing so with an expression of regret or grief etched onto your face.

He sighs in relief, and gives you the best smile he can give to assure you that he's okay despite having been worried sick.

He needed you to know that he was fine. That it wasn’t your fault. That he was glad you're okay too.

That he was so impressed with what you had done despite the circumstances, and that you had handled the situation way better than he knew anyone on the team ever could.

So when you seem to turn away from him, he briefly wonders if something was actually wrong.

He tries to look back on what might've happened. Wonders if there's something he didn't see when he came back, or when he was away––

And that's when he realizes something.

Could he have put you in more danger when he came back to check on you? That he had accidentally sabotaged your takedown?

He sighs. He must've looked so pathetic in front of you getting grabbed like that–– but he's not sorry.

He had been doing that for your safety and for his own peace of mind–– he wasn't going to apologize for caring about you.

He'll make it up to you somehow.

The next time you go on another case together, which you two inevitably will, he'll make it up to you.

That, he promises.

He actually doesn't get to work with you again. So he decides that he can make it up to you by narrowing down the unsub's identity.

In fact, he hasn't seen you at all since the team first arrived at the crime scene.

You had been working with Hotch and Morgan on more field operations, leaving him with Elle and Penelope doing background checks on possible suspects. And while he wasn't with you, he'd like to think that he's still enjoying the company.

Well, that's what he would like to think.

He has no problems working with Elle. She was a nice colleague that seemed to occasionally humor his rants and got the job done quickly. And Penelope was someone that the both of you really got along with. Occasionally having this back and forth unique to the three of you.

But they weren't you.

Still. What he thought about you can wait later. He still has to think about his escape route if the two break out into a fight.

Right now, the three of them had staked out one Michael Russo who they anticipated would call his hitman, the suspected Unsub. They were hoping to get a name from what they could pick up from his end of the call, and they did.

Problem was,

"Russo's got eleven associates named Vincent." Spencer raised his brows at that.

Vincent is a name of Latin origins. He shouldn't be surprised that the mob had a handful of people with that name, but it was kind of too on the nose at this point.

"Oh, make that ten. Vincent Cellito died last summer. But here's something––Vincent Sartori."

He really wants to find this guy, so he chooses to keep looking through the list. Ignoring the growing tension between the two girls.

"Currently doing six at Dannemora for racketeering."

Spencer then speaks up again, "How about this Perotta? There's not much on him."

Garcia makes quick work to pull up what seemed to be deleted records and that's where they find something interesting.

"Alcohol addiction at 14, violent outbursts, assaults,–– Once threw a Molotov cocktail at someone sitting in their car." She can't believe what she's reading.

"Several notations for aggression," He adds, but this is where he sees something truly wrong.

"He once scheduled a visit to an infirmary to gain access to a–– boy who looked at him for too long?"

He really didn't want to meet this guy.

"No fear, no remorse, quick temper. And he was smart enough to stay off the radar as an adult," Elle interprets. "Paranoid personality. Could be our guy."

And he really didn't want you to meet him either.

All the evidence is stacking up against him though, so you just might have to. He just wished that nothing bad would happen when you did.

––––––––––

While right now they weren't sure if he was the unsub, he was definitely someone who fit their profile. He saw some LEO's bring in a guy who had essentially been cuffed at every limb, accompanied by Hotch and Gideon, but he had yet to see the others.

He sees Morgan, who is walking alongside Elle (she went to see what all the commotion was about) but with who he sees next, he feels his stomach drop. Heart rate spiking in contrast to an all time high that he's practically sure he has tachycardia.

"What happened to you!?"

He got up from his seat to run over but you just shake your head.

You had come back with your clothes and hair in disarray, a bleeding nose, and a a busted lip. A complete disparity to the normally clean-cut and professional look that you had strived to maintain.

Even when you had been tackled to the ground a few cases back, the damage wasn't nearly as bad as this.

It's Derek that answers his question for him though.

"Perotta hit your girl up in the head, Reid." He chooses to ignore the joke. Too worried as he tries to check on your head but you just softly squeeze his hands to reassure him before you push them away.

Still not looking at him as you finally speak.

"It wasn't that bad. He hesitated. It could've been worse."

He doesn't like your answer.

If you had just been hit in the head and yet your nose is bleeding, that was a clear sign of a concussion. And the cut on your lip had to be from a fall. On asphalt or onto another material, it didn't matter to him since both are just as bad.

As he expresses that, you just tell him to drop it and then move away from him.

Before he can say more however, Hotch comes back into the room with his usually stern expression. A bit of worry lacing his tone, Spencer notes, as he orders you.

"Go home."

He's staring you down, but it seemed you had a lot more to say to that.

"Sir Hotchner, I would be of much more use in here. It is imperative that all available resources are focused on the retrieval of James Baker." He sighs because you're right, but that doesn't seem enough to satisfy you.

The boy-genius hates it when you use reason to get your way.

"Fine. Help Reid and the others with the evidence. We can narrow down his area of operation from there. They should be arriving soon."

You shake your head adamantly. "Sir, I can handle the interrogation--"

"No you can't!"

Spencer surprises himself with his outburst, but you don't even turn to look at him.

It's Hotch that gives him a very pointed stare though before continuing,

"Reid is right, agent. We'll handle the interrogation, so please busy yourself here." He says it with a finality that is indicative of his departure but you stop him one last time. Hand going up to rest on your mentor's collar.

He sees you gesture to your own, and Spencer hears an intention in your voice that he can't quite understand.

"Let's not give him a weapon, sir. He's pretty strong."

He sees his boss nod, and he takes off his tie. Putting the cloth into your awaiting hand, and you grip it out of instinct.

Reid zones out as he sees this interaction in disbelief. Did you normally touch the others like this?

You had completely brushed off his concern, not even looking at him. And yet when it was your unit chief that told you to do so, you had simply followed?

He thought he was starting to become an exception to you, but had he been reading the signs wrong? It could very much be a possibility as he was never good at doing so.

Even later when he had been sifting through the bags from the suspect's van, you still didn't respond to him. Even going as far as to ignoring Penelope's offer to watch the tapes they had found in Perotta's van. Shaking your head, 'no' with a faraway look in your eyes.

Just what had exactly happened while he wasn't by your side?

At this point, Spencer’s convinced that you would never like him.

If not for you having eyes on literally anyone else but him, then definitely because he had disappointed you. Desecrated the honor that came with being an FBI agent.

Just because he had been distracted.

A whirlwind of emotions had been flurrying inside him since the very beginning of this case, but he swears that he had never meant for this.

He doesn't even remember how it happened. Which baffled him, given his memory. But he thinks it's because he couldn't have cared less about the past few hours.

He had been stuck babysitting Lila only because you had told him so. Entrusted him with her because you thought that he was the best person to guard her, to comfort her.

He didn’t know it was because you had a feeling he’d be safer by her side.

And some part of him was flattered that you had said all this about him. Especially when all Lila would hear from him were endless praises of your name, of your work, and your caring nature.

But another part of him felt ignored. Pushed aside.

He doesn't know when it had happened, but Hotch had stopped pairing you together some cases ago. Saying something about you needing physical training, though he sincerely doubted that.

He thought that things were going well between you two. He had just been trying to find the perfect window where you would see him in a good enough light.

A good enough light that would make you say 'yes' to going on a date with him.

He didn't even care that the pretty blonde was interested in him. He only agreed because you stressed her safety more than any other target thus far. But the attention that she was giving him?

That was all that he wanted from you.

All he'd been wanting for months.

And when he had kissed her, all he could think about was you. How it would've felt if it was you in his arms, how you would react if it had been you that he was touching.

But then immediately after, how you would react to him kissing another girl.

God, he was pathetic.

He knew that you had been having a hard time lately. And he also knew that it had a lot to do with your work, how he did his, and his safety. That was all you ever stressed about when you were with him.

If he was safe.

You'd think he'd learn that by now, but he hasn't. Which is why even when he knew all this, his heart still ached as he sees you cry into Morgan's arms. Sobbing like no tomorrow. All because of something he did.

All because he took all your hard work, that had been focused on keeping him alive, and essentially throwing it right back at your face.

His negligence did that.

And he supposes that now, he can't do anything to get into your good graces anymore. Not when Derek Morgan seemed to better at doing his job as a federal agent, and his job as your friend.

When he finally gets changed into dry clothes and enters Lila's house, he doesn't miss the way that you turn from him. He also doesn't miss the glare the other agent was giving him. Nor the careful hand that had been rubbing up and down your arm.

Something that he wished he could've been doing instead.

––––––––––

God, he wanted to be anywhere but here, considering this is where it all went downhill.

"Did you give Lila Archer a collage?" Gideon had started the interrogation, so even if he did want to leave, he couldn't.

"What?"

"There's a photographic collage above Lila Archer's sofa. She says you gave it to her."

But the faster that they could get this done, the faster he could apologize to you.

"So? I didn't make the damn thing." Parker had laughed out, clearly not comprehending the severity of the situation.

"So you just happened to give her a work of art containing most of her life in it?" Spencer pushed but was surprised to see his ex-classmate seemingly have no recollection of the situation at all.

Something was wrong.

If it wasn't him, then who––?

"I––no, no. Look, I lied. I just wanted her to like me. I met her here, and she was a fan of art. Someone gave me the piece to give to her, but I told her it was from me."

It can't be––

"I said I found it, and I thought she'd love it."

"And who gave it to you?" Morgan had finally asked.

"Her name's Maggie Lowe. She uh––She works on Lila's show."

When Spencer hears this, he immediately goes to call you on his phone. Maggie Lowe had gone to Juilliard with Lila and was the production assistant that he swore he saw go in and out of her trailer.

If he wasn't so distracted, he would've fucking noticed that.

But his phone doesn't even ring for a few moments before the call is declined.

What the fuck was happening?

Before he could ask anyone else, he heard Derek speak up.

“Sweet girl, listen to me. We have a name, and it’s ‘Maggie Lowe.’ We’re on our wa—" Spencer tries to talk to you through Morgan's phone, but is knocked off balance when the man turns around in shock.

"Christ man—we're on our way back over there, okay? Stay put and we’ll let Hotch and JJ know.” 

"Let me talk to her!" He practically begs, but before anyone could even understand what he was saying, the call is ended from your side.

"Reid, what the hell were you trying to do?"

He's shocked at his own actions too, but that's not what's on his mind right now.

"She dropped my call but she answered yours? And since when did you start calling her that?"

He knew it wasn't fair, especially after what he had done, but just when did you and him happen?

"Since you started being a dumbass. Get over yourself, kid."

Everyone then started making their way to the two SUV's parked outside, but Spencer took the one that Morgan was driving.

He wasn't done with this conversation.

He tries to call you again, but this time, it looks like the line is busy. What was going on, where were you? He tries Lila's phone, even though he's sure she won't pick up and nothing either.

He has half a mind to ask Morgan to call you, in case you were just being petty and ignoring him, but he feels his phone vibrate. He suddenly hears his phone ring, and he hurriedly answers without checking the caller ID.

Hoping that it would be you on the other hand as he called out your name.

"Nope, sorry hon, it's me." It was Garcia's voice, but it sounded like she was shaking. Sensing the urgency in her voice, he instinctively puts his phone on speaker.

"Reid, I need you to listen to me very carefully— I've already alerted officials in the area, but your unsub? Is in Lila Archer's house."

You can't keep doing this, he thinks. You can't keep scaring him like this, because he's starting to feel so sick.

He looks to his friend in the driver's seat and sees him nod when they make eye contact. Speeding up as they thank Penelope before she ended the call.

At this point, he could care less with how pathetic he might've looked. No longer caring about how uncool you thought he was, or whatever might've been going on between you and Morgan, or if you still had a crush on your boss— none of that.

They had left you behind with Lila and no one else.

Spencer had always feared that one day, no matter how strong or smart or clever you are, it's his negligence that'll place you on the receiving end of a killer's weapon. And that there's nothing that he can do to stop them from landing the finishing blow.

If the reason you were alone and held captive by some psychotic shooter was because he had pissed you off enough to even dismiss his help?

He might never forgive himself for it.

When they arrive, he immediately gets out of the car. Ready to run in and ambush Maggie by himself if he has to when Lila runs into his arms. Holding a gun in her hand as if it were a bomb.

A Glock 19 that he's seen you use since his first official cases on the team.

He notices Morgan, Elle, and Gideon were already out, but Hotch and JJ have still yet to arrive.

He knows that he should wait until further instructions. That there wasn't a protocol for this specific situation. Or maybe there was, but his IQ of 187 had always been slashed down to 60 whenever you were involved.

When he hears a gun fire from inside the house, he's the first one that starts running.

He's thankful that he wasn't alone when he did though.

By the time that Maggie had been apprehended, you were already well on your way to the nearest hospital. According to the clock from inside your room, and the news report that had been playing, a full twelve hours at the very least had passed since then.

You tried to remember what had happened. Tried to remember how you screamed for help once you had subdued her. How she shot you when you tackled her.

Probably with the intention to kill you, then herself had you not talked her out of it.

You groan as you feel the blooming pain in your side. Probably from the GSW that you're going to have to note in your action report.

And then you remembered how you realized what you felt for Spencer and the rest of the team.

You shake your head despondently.

When you look back on every situation where you had essentially put yourself on the line for his sake, you notice that you had really been doing that out of your own volition.

That you had been doing it because you didn't want him getting hurt.

You just didn't like that the the team was turning it into some sort of responsibility.

And sure. Maybe the others were complicit in pairing you up, or guilty for giving you odd looks, but they probably wouldn't have done that if it wasn't something you were already going to do.

God, you felt so pathetic.

You don't think you can handle looking at Spencer now. Not after your existential crisis, and certainly not after what you said before he left.

But luck has a way, so it seems, to constantly elude you.

You note this as you see the very man that you had been thinking of slowly opening the door and perking up when he sees your eyes on him.

Well, as perked up as he could be. Given the circumstances.

"How uh—, How are you? A-Are you...okay?"

You take in how he looks when he asks. Dark rings encircling his eyes, (he had been up all night waiting for you), usually neat hair in a mess (he had been running his hands through them nonstop), and shirt all crumpled from being hunched over for so long (a different one, because he just couldn't stand the vague scent on chlorine in his old one.)

Your heart sinks at the sight and you beckon him closer with your strong hand. Echoing his question.

"Are you okay, Dr. Reid?"

He lets out a shaky breath when he finally hears your soft voice again, slowly approaching you as he does. He was so worried that the last words he would hear from you would be your disappointment, but he persists.

"Can you please answer the question? I don't like it when you pretend like you're okay when you're obviously not."

His hand finds its way to trace little patterns on the back of yours. Occasionally looking up at to see if he was hurting you, before continuing when he sees that he isn't. Feeling too shy to do anything more.

You roll your eyes at the gesture. Flipping his hand to rest on the hospital bed and slipping yours on top of his. Giving it a soft squeeze.

"I could be better." You then squeeze his hand again. "Is this what you were trying to do?"

He thinks for a while, as if not really understanding your question, before nodding vigorously.

You smile at the sight but then feel your regret from a few hours ago come rushing back.

"I'm really sorry. For...everything." You don't think he knows what you're apologizing for, but you do it anyway.

If not now, when?

Spencer laughs a little at that but shakes his head. "Morgan told me about what you said. Back at Lila's. Well, more like he told everyone while we were waiting for you to wake up."

You nod. Suddenly feeling guilty for trying to make contact so you try to let go, but he only entangles your fingers once more. Intertwining them as much as he can since this is the closest that he can afford to have you right now.

He feels his lips tightening into a thin smile before he says what's been haunting him for the past few hours.

"I'm sorry that you had to deal with me for so long. I never meant to burden you like that or make your job harder."

"No, Spencer please," you start, rubbing the only part of his hand that you could reach with your thumb.

"You were never a burden. I was just—caught up in a bunch of things."

He doesn't miss how your usual eloquence evades you. Which gives him a bit of an idea as to how unscripted and vulnerable you were being with him right now.

And as much as he should hate this for you, he'd love it if you would learn to be a bit more vulnerable in front of him. Even if it was a departure from your usually starched blazers, pressed blouses, and clean-cut exterior.

He still thought you were cool just like this.

"Have I ever told you that I thought you were really cool?" You weakly snort at that.

"If by 'cool,' you mean constantly worrying about how everything could go wrong, then yeah. I'm super cool."

He shakes his head at that, but it looked like you weren't done.

"I think you looked cooler, though. Especially when you were next to the pool trying to dry your gun. You looked like a wet rat."

He groans at the mention but you continue to tease him.

"Hey, you were a handsome wet rat. Still a rat, but... you know. From Vegas. Arguably not as bad as the ones from New York. Now though, you're a handsome dry rat."

Now that, he just wines at. You weren't being fair.

How could you make him go through all this and then say that?

Did you know what kind of effect you have on him?

The two of you continue to sling back jokes at the other, a common thing you used to do before things went south. And just enjoying each other's presence.

Holding his hand as you absentmindedly started massaging it. He didn't even notice how his hand had been shaking since the moment you first held onto it.

He was so so glad you were alive. That you were still here, with him. And there's no place he would rather be than where you were.

"So. How about you start telling me what you've been up to while I've been knocked out, hm? What have you learned, genius?"

He's learned a quite a lot, while you were away.

He learned that he should probably encourage you to have more breaks. Learned that you should both talk to each other, and everyone, a bit more. And he learned that you two weren't so different after all.

He's also learned how much he really liked your smile, your laugh, your soft touch, and the way that his name fell from your lips.

He doesn't tell you any of this, however.

Opting to instead tell you about the numerous facts he's picked up during the case, and how much he hated Hollywood.

[a/n] And with that, this marks the end of this specific timeline! I've honestly loved writing with this reader's specific personality in mind, and I'm looking forward to how she'll mellow out when she learns to be more honest.

I have a few ideas for one shots regarding this specific dynamic, but if you enjoyed it as much as I did, please tell me what you thought about this short series! And if you have any idea on what you'd like to see next from these dumbasses, send an ask my way!

Thank you so much for liking them thus far.

Like my work? Consider tipping me!!

[fanaticsnail]

Every day I wake up and think "Why is there no Childhood Friends Doflamingo x Reader fics?" and every day one of my Discord friends tell me "because Kid Doffy would literally treat Kid Reader like someone beneath him cus everything is still fresh for him" but I bring you counterarguments for the Childhood Friends Doflamingo x Reader story:

1. He meets Reader after his house gets burned down. Reader is Rosinante's age, so eight years old. It's when DQ brothers are being beaten by the thugs; kid Reader gets a bat and protects him and Rosinante from the thugs who were beating on them over bread

2. she brings them food from the restaurant her parents own - home cooked - and meets Homing & Mrs Donquixote, who encourage Doffy & Rosi to befriend her but Doffy remains careful

3. Doffy has confused feelings about Reader but she's only ever treated his injuries (the first human not to hurt him) so he decides Reader is "his human to protect" not "human to enslave" yep he has groups in his mind, little crazy baby flamingo boy

4. Reader teaches Doffy & Rosinante to climb trees. Doffy comments that's what monkeys do, but Reader teases him that whether it is what monkeys do, he still can't reach her if he doesn't climb. Doffy accepts the challenge. He doesn't take long to get the hang of it. Right when he is nearly at the top, he nearly falls but Reader grabs his hand and pulls him onto the branch. I think this is where Doffy starts having a little crush on Reader. He doesn't realise that's what it is.

5. I don't know Ace, Sabo, Luffy I know Doffy, Rosi & Reader. Sure they would not be as wild as ASL since the thugs in North Blue are probably much more deadlier than in East Blue, but they'd be good thieves.

6. Reader is so gentle with Rosi and Doffy gets jealous and says his brother is a crybaby and Reader shouldn't help him, he needs to learn on his own. Reader just blows Doffy a raspberry which makes Rosinante giggle - the first time Rosinante has laughed since their house burned down

I just think if we just put in some thought, it can be plausible for Kid Doffy to have Kid Reader as a friend in his childhood days. He'd feel challenged by a "human", someone younger than him, and want to prove his heavenly status, why he's better. Reader just nods along with it and is kind to them both. They don't do any sort of competitions, they just co-exist.

Kid Doffy is like a street cat. He bites and scratches, and tries to claw your face off, but it's cause he's been through terrible shit and he doesn't trust strangers. He needs patience and kindness.

The fic would require just some patience and kindness I think, for the childhood part of their story, so Doflamingo by the end of it considers Reader precious to him to the point he thinks he is the best person to protect her. That it's his duty. He'd probably call himself her heavenly guardian or sth in his mind when he reaches that point.

Of course, that then can turn into him becoming very possessive of Reader as they grow up (Doffy even when becoming the young 10-11 year old leader seems to stick to one headquarters in that timeframe) and his crush from childhood evolving through time from protectiveness into a wish for a romantic relationship.

Anyway, kid Doffy & kid Rosinante deserve to have a friend during that terrible time, and they both latch onto that little amount of kindness, they appreciate it a lot. Doflamingo only realises it later down the line how much it meant for him Reader supported him.

They show appreciation for that differently later. Doffy comes into the restaurant Reader inherited from her parents all the time and makes sure everyone in the North Blue knows that's his territory, and the place where his crew gathers to celebrate things. He always sends Reader gifts such as jewelry, and kisses her on both cheeks whenever he sees her, using the excuse of it being a custom in Dressrosa to his advantage. Rosinante shows his love with hugs. When he sees Reader when he's Corazon he just hugs her. He doesn't give a shit.

Also, Reader & Kid Law & Baby 5... Reader would feed them all the food and pamper them.

Doffy can't go without Reader's home cooked meals. Food is very important to him, I think, after experiencing starvation. He probably invites her to join the crew as their chef cook when they head for the Grand Line. If not...

Well, kidnapping you is always an option 🤣

(he would lie about what happened to Rosinante. either that or get completely drunk and cry in your lap, confessing everything. You know what, I like the latter. Let the big man cry. I love pathetic drunk Doffy.)

- Yandere Doffy Anon

Okay okay okay okay okay. This was gorgeous. I am in love, and all of the relationships with all of the kids, and the coddling of Rosi. Yes. Please. I love their relationship, the silent confusion in the "what is this feeling" -> it's addictive, and I love it. "My human to protect" WHERE DO I SIGN UP????

Here is my interpretation of what childhood friendship would look like with Doflamingo.

What about a young son of a celestial dragon having regular interactions with a contractually bound daughter of another celestial dragon? And then he's taken away from you by his father? Doflamingo x f!reader image.

Your parents schedule regular playdates with one another so your faces do not grow lost on you both over time. From toddlerhood, to childhood, your friendship grew with your betrothed spouse as you both read with one another, and made puzzles and sculptures together. He pulled your hair, you brushed off his glasses, he bit you on the hand, and you cried to your maid.

You are a bit stuffy and spoilt, but what child of the pinacle of society isn't? Similar to Doflamingo, it is your birthright to be treated with the utmost respect and worshipful adoration.

But your heart becomes kind.

When becoming lost in a crowd of unfamiliar faces, the kindness of a stranger who knew nothing of your face changes you from a prissy young miss to a girl spun in webs of charity and compassion.

It makes the young Doflamingo disgusted seeing you interact and thank his servants when they fix you and him lunch. Conversing so freely with the chaperone, asking questions about his children, it makes the eight year old sick. He'd rather trick them into being scolded and thrashed.

When Donquixote Homing defects, the ties that strung you together lay severed and desolate. The friendship between you forbidden, but your mind often wanders into what had become of him. You both had this unspoken hatred and the closest friendship with one another any two children could have.

Inseperable.

Until you were separated.

It took four adults to restrain you from running to him in the council chambers. Hearing Doflamingo had returned with Homing's head, you had nearly lost yours with glee at his return. When he was denied a rise in reinstating his former title, you were overwhelmed with a grief beyond your years in capacity.

Over the decades, you wondered what had become of him. Your heart had been broken when your father renounced your coupling. Each time a potential spouse was presented to you, you would shut it down with haste. Although you were only young, you spoke with such indignation regarding your disdain for such an alliance. What if this one was taken from you too? Nothing would ever match up to him.

They would never be Doflamingo, and you refused to be the spouse of anyone who didn't meet his equal. His insanity mirrored a darkness in your heart that you had since clothed in kindness. He was your absolute, the stop at the end of the line. He was yours, and you were his completely.

When Tsuru had invited you to the first gathering of seven warlords of the sea, you had no idea what to expect. No matter what you prepared yourself with, your readiness mattered not for the sight that was to welcome you in. Charity was your character, and your humility is what made you the chosen celestial dragon the world government asked to converse with the most.

Pink feathers, rosy glasses, blonde hair, and a sinister grin you had long since burried, had your chest swell and eyes flood with every emotion. Silence was all you offered in your shock, your face shrouded behind a veiled cloth you often travelled with.

You knew exactly who you were looking at, and he had no idea it was you. The way his presence demanded attention, his sinister playfulness with Sir Crocodile and Tsuru, the way he openly taunted the former Marine Hunter Mihawk: each motion captured your soul and held you hostage.

It was only when Tsuru had asked you to speak did you stifle the warmth in your chest. You knew Doflamingo would likely hold disgust for the Celestial Dragons due to their lack of restoration, and you chose to ignore him - just as he ignored you.

When your attendants removed the veil from your extravagant headpiece, the first sound to travel through the realm was a collective gasp. You were young, a woman, and incredibly beautiful. Nothing any of the seven warlords were expecting was anything amounting to a single scrap of you. And you chose to play coy to the slack-jawed blonde in the corner.

After speaking your well rehearsed speech, Tsuru thanked you with her head bowing low, encouraging the other marines to pay their respects in kind. Sir Crocodile offered you a polite bow alongside Kuma and Jinbe. Mihawk tipped his hat to you, which you nodded in kind.

Immediately rising to his feet, Doflamingo's arms hung limp as his lips lay parted and almost quivering. His hands shook, his shoes feeling like lead in lieu of leather, and he finally stood before you. Your attendants sprung up to your side, your guardians guiding their hands to the hilts of their weapons: only ceasing when you hold up your own hand to stop them.

With that same hand, you hover it in front of Doflamingo's face, guiding it in an intimate expression without ever colliding with his skin. He rises his own, mirroring your motions and causing your eyes to flutter shut. An inaudible movement of your name courses through his lips, no sounds to voice them other than a single breath.

"Time has not been kind to you, mi amor," you whisper, Doflamingo's knees buckling at the tone your voice had grown into. It was the greatest symphony he had ever heard, the voice of his childhood friend blossoming into the bloom of the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.

"Time saved all it's kindness for you, mi querida," he managed string together beneath his petrification.

The room was silent, all watching in awe as the most detestable inhabitant in the council chambers was brought to his knees with a single look from a powerful woman. The familiarity had Tsuru's stomach tighten, wondering if extending an invitation to you was in her best interest. Although, seeing Doflamingo behave with his absolute best manners had her lip twitch up at the corner.

He was yours again. A man who was once everything, became nothing, and built himself up to something again. And he was yours.

And he couldn't be happier to be in your presence once more. Why else would he have fought so hard to rise to the top? For mere power alone?

No. That is far too simple. He is far from simple. It was for the chance to be once again worthy to stand in your presence and kneel at your feet as an equal in potential matrimony. But would you still have him after all the time that had passed between you?

Only you held that answer.

Edit to add, I got distracted by the roast chicken and forgot to add the tag list. I'm sorry everyone.

Tag list: @mfreedomstuff @daydreamer-in-training @since-im-already-here @gingernut1314 @writingmysanity @sordidmusings @i-am-vita @indydonuts @feral-artistry @the-light-of-star @empirenowmp3 @racfoam @sunflowersatori @carrotsunshine @skullfacedlady

[merakiui]

Can we hear more thoughts on self-aware skully in a halloween-themed otome?? I think it's such a fun concept! Thinking of him, loving us knowing that he will never have us<33

:D the basic idea is that the love interests are everyone in TNBC event and it focuses on you and them planning the perfect Halloween celebration alongside the residents of Halloween Town. Spend a week getting closer to and raising the affection meter of your beloved and perhaps he might confess on Halloween night under a brilliant moon! <3

Skully is a side character who is merely there to progress the plot; he doesn't have any real route for himself, nor does he have any of the mechanics the other characters have (affection meters). But if he did perhaps he might be the secret yandere route most otome games have...

Unfortunately, most of his scenes with you are very short and he's often there to make the love interest shine brighter. When Leona warns you not to listen to a fanatic like him, that only misfortune can come from readily believing everything he says, it's meant to make you fall for Leona and his protective charm. Or when Jamil asks Skully if he's doing okay when he notices how downcast he seems, it's to make you fawn over how considerate and observant he appears. But all of this is just part of pre-programmed characteristics. It's all part of a script. Skully plays his part in this drama, almost like a ghost as he floats through whichever route you choose to pursue, and with every replay he begins to realize there's more beyond the world he's confined to.

You can't actually like these characters, right? They're just caricatures. They're programmed to fall for you, but Skully's love for you is a natural progression! It's real. Sure, you click through some of his dialogue when it's too long, but please don't ignore him. >_< surely you don't agree with the others on their idea for Halloween! You think a somber Halloween is better, right? One that's quiet and solemn. One that's meant for reflection. One that's better spent alone. He knows you're a sweet, considerate person at heart. Surely you share his feelings on this matter.

The game has a feature where one of the love interests will visit you each day you log in during the seven-day timeframe, and it gives you chances to either raise or lower their affection meter when you interact with them. Imagine your surprise when Skully, who isn't a love interest and thus shouldn't be here, forces himself into the spotlight, hoping to have a private chat with you. He's so excited! Oh, what should he say? He isn't confined by the laws of the script, so he can say and do whatever he wants! It's how he's able to be so much more expressive than the other characters.

You watch in surprise as the blank bubble fills with a dialogue you've never encountered before:

Lovely person beyond the screen, I greet you with a kiss! Allow me to remind you of what the real Halloween is.

[kremlin]

@wikwalker hi sure yes anything to give me an excuse to procrastinate the post i should be writing right now. here are all teh drugs and how to manage them. you can trust me, a drug addict

first of all: https://www.erowid.org/ , erowid always

don't be afraid of drugs, if they're the right drugs, you should do them since they will be a blast regardless and overcoming fear is also good (but outside the scope here)

OK to do as much as you want: alcohol - social benefit greatly outweighs health effects, no reason to avoid if predisposed to abuse since that'll happen sooner or later. what can i say? don't be a fucking dork. when you start drinking, really overdo it as much as possible without dying and get a few real nasty hangovers under your belt so you know how much is the right amount to drink.

weed - innocuous enough to be fine but will make you stupid in the long term. make sure to only buy from a real drug dealer and never some legal institution. cut it out when you're a "real adult". don't smoke weed and watch TV routinely, go out and do things so you naturally grow to hate it. good to go through this as early as possible to minimize the time you spend as a cringe weed enthusiast

i guess those are the only two.

ok to do infrequently (annually): "lsd" - or whatever it is, probably not lsd, blah blah blah, if it works and is sold on blotter its fine and won't make you go nuts or whatever. opt for a better psychadelic imo. see psych rule at bottom of section

mushrooms - better than acid since you know what they are. rule of thumb is to always do more than you think you want. minimum 1/8oz. see psych rule at bottom of post

dmt - if you somehow have a dmt hookup you don't need to be reading any of this. lasts 10 minutes which leads to tendency to way overdo it, don't do this, my favorite webcomic artist is permanently crazy from exactly that. using a crack pipe is also not the uhhhh most dignifying-feeling thing to do either. it's harder than you think.

mdma - for use at electronic music event or rave. overuse causes brain lesions or something.

coke - wait until you're in your 20s, have maxed out your roth IRA for a couple of years in a row, and havent missed a car payment in a similar timeframe. better still if you've worked a very shitty low paying job and know the value of a dollar. if you still find yourself buying candy you're not ready. too expensive to be worth it to get hooked on. know that you are VERY ANNOYING to anyone who also isn't high. don't fuck around with the guy selling it to you. avoid discussing or thinking about business ideas. you can't afford to make it a habit + kinda turns you into a piece of shit after a while, but at least a very interesting one

ketamine - another sick drug that rules, but save it for a special occasion. don't try and go into the k-hole your first time

rule for psychedelics - you get one good strong trip a year and that's it, make it count, always opt for doing a bit more than a bit less. but don't make it a habit, otherwise you turn into a very stupid very annoying "hippy" style cliché and believe in ghosts, aliens, crap like that.

ok to try once prescription opiates/benzodiazepine (xanax), valium, this kind of shit - worth trying so you can go "holy shit, this stuff is way way way too good to ever use responsibly" and then never do again. especially if you're white. for some reason we just can't handle this shit. if a doctor prescribes it to you, idk, that's your call to make.

ayhuasca - this is just dmt in a different form. do some other psychadelics a number of times before you do this. once you realize the whole "substantial visual hallucinations" thing is made up, its time. do exactly this: -buy root online (legal). receive box of dirt -boil dirt into "tea" (read erowid for exact recipe) -take over-the-counter anti nausea medicine or anything that will give you a stronger stomach -drink tea (its nasty as fuck, get it down quick) -have someone bigger than you keep an eye on you for the next five hours. -have the experience, which is absurdly intense, has no bearing to the real world, etc etc. don't be a bitch and throw up, if you do it'll only last an hour or so. again there is no way to provide a consistent description of the experience except that you will meet god. you only ever need to do this once and never again. trust me

peyote/salvia/etc - try em if you want, you'll never ever want to again afterwords. these are drugs for idiot teenagers too lame to get real drugs. imagine being very very sick from poison and utterly terrified at the same time. No good

whippets/nitrous oxide - just find a dentist that uses it and don't bother creating hundreds of pounds of trash on your floor for this crap that lasts ten seconds. you have to understand the extremely short timeframe coupled with the cost makes zero sense. go to a phish concert parking lot and do some people watching -- you do not want to be these people. only use is as a motivator to get routine dental exam. also if you somehow manage to make it a heavy habit your fucking legs stop working, no shit, but they start working again once you quit.

don't ever do heroin/meth/pcp - is is truly a mystery why you should never do these 🙄

synthetic weed/k2/shit from the gas station - it is so funny that they sell this as "weed that won't pop you on a drug test". its not weed. it is some dubious chemical sprayed on yard waste. smoke it to have a terrible time and go nuts. only buy drugs from legitimate drug dealers!

kratom - anyone's guess as to why this is legal but it's heroin for pussies. its still heroin

dxm/cough syrup - do you ever wonder why it is exclusively teenagers robotripping? it's because it sucks ass. is like a cheesegrater on your brain in terms of health effects with repeated usage. you're better than this king

inhalants - these are at the bottom of the list for a reason. do not huff gas. don't huff paint. do not consume computer duster. not fun + fastest way to make yourself a complete, uh, (word i can't say anymore) and then dead

not listed quaaludes- unavailable due to no longer being manufactured. these ruled apparantly

sincis2c - unavailable due to not existing, i just made this up

amphetamines - cannot provide objective take here. they're my albatross, lifelong (posted 4:55am natch)

[skyfallscotland]

Ok so Rebecca did a one hour panel today in Sydney with Lynette Noni hosting, where she asked questions and then they opened it to fans. I've kind of summarised the things I haven't seen mentioned over and over, but I don't frequent the subreddit anymore or use TikTok, so there might be overlap. In any case, it's long. Settle in. I've sectioned it into plot/character relevant first, then themes and interesting facts about her and her writing. Basically, you all came with me. 💗

• In book three (and every book thereafter) we'll be going to more and more new places. She specifically worded it as "watching the map expand" whether that's significant or not, I don't know. (I was thinking Isle Kingdoms for OS, but maybe that's just my wishful thinking).

• She implied Jack will have a reason (explained) for uh...being a power-hungry prick? lol

• She's hella defensive of Dain, which I love. #DainApologistsClub 😌 Some highlights include:

"You guys give Dain so much shit for the same thing Xaden does. You really do and you're so fast to forgive Xaden and not Dain. Why? Is it because he's hot?"

And, "when push comes to shove, all Dain did—yes he violated her boundaries, as does Xaden—but all he did was trust his dad when his best friend no longer spoke to him. That's it."

"When Dain looks at her (in the interrogation chamber) and says 'if you had just told me, none of this would have happened', he's not just talking about the interrogation, he's talking about Liam, he's talking about if she had just trusted him (in Fourth Wing) it never would have happened." 😢

• She was asked about Liam's appearance in the interrogation chamber and definitively put to rest any signet theories involving that. "She's so alone in that moment and...I don't read fan theories but sometimes they reach my ears; she's completely disconnected from her magic in that moment, she can't even reach out for Tairn or Andarna, which are the bonds that are actually most important to her. She can't reach out for Xaden. And that's the one person who would have prevented that from happening the last year, so it's natural that's who her mind would summon."

• She's thought about a spin-off series, but she's just trying to survive this series.

• Someone asked her if there'd be any redemption and romance for Jack Barlowe and honestly, thanks guys, I don't think she's ever coming back to this country 💀 ("Are you getting enough sleep? Uh...I mean, from his prison cell maybe? No.")

• Someone asked "what is Garrick's signet and why hasn't it been shown yet?" (shoutout to this girl, she's the real MVP) to which Rebecca said "it's very much in book three, I love it."

• Someone asked about the orange dragons and unpredictability re: Amber, Jack, Varrish and then Imogen and Brennan. Rebecca said some dragons might look for traits like their own and some look for balance because it's a partnership; and that Brennan as a strategist needed that little bit of unpredictability in his life (lol, I think he got it).

• She didn't always plan for Violet to have two dragons. Originally it was going to be one (Tairn) and the editor had hoped that she would sway towards a weaker, smaller dragon and she thought that was a little too close to Abraxos in ToG, and so they compromised and gave her both. She also went on to say she doesn't like overpowered heroines and since Tairn is extremely powerful, Andarna balanced that out. (I'm not...I'm not sure how that works out? But that's what was said.)

• We are definitely going to find out more about the original six (and Lynette asked if that was a spin-off possibility and was shushed, so she's thought about it at least, but I get the idea she's thought about a lot of possibilities 😂)

• There's no timeframe for the release of the final two books.

• Someone asked if Violet's dad was Malek to which she was kind of shocked. He's not a god, guys. And low-key I JUST WANT TO KNOW HIS NAME. 😤

• On Sgaeyl: "You do (get more of her) but holy crap is she pissed. So—I'll tell you that about Onyx Storm—she is really, really mad at Xaden and she's not exactly speaking to him at the moment. So it's hard for her to speak into that bond when she's not speaking to him." 💔

• She was asked about the Violet dated Halden theory (which was fucking hilarious because the poor girl misspoke and asked if Xaden dated the prince and we were all really confused about which TikToks the poor thing had seen (note to self: consider cam/xaden), anyway after we got to the bottom of that, Rebecca replied, "I think you should read the third book." Which I'm taking to mean, the man is making a damn appearance and we're gonna find out for ourselves 👀 Hey, if I'm lucky maybe we'll even find out his surname

• Finally she said she has EP on the Amazon series, they've all been exceptionally protective of it and that she's happy with how it's going (they're not near casting yet and she doesn't want to really comment on that ever, to leave each role open to as diverse a cast as possible). She said the production team has come to the signings in LA to meet readers and see what they love and are passionate about when it comes to the series to make sure that's honoured.

"Like I mean, I've seen certain...like what can I say without getting tackled to the ground? Let's just say they've already taken steps to make sure that what you guys love about the story is envisioned and that it's not run amok. And I'm very happy with it, they're super protective of it." Which could just be me reading into it, but the first place my brain went was the dragons 👀🐉 and the CGI or whatever.

• She was asked about where the inspiration for the universe came from and she said that when her Entangled decided they were going to do romantasy they asked her for five pitches and Fourth Wing was one of them (she won't say what the others were because she might still write them someday). She said she likes the fated mates trope but she wondered what that would look like if the dragons were the ones mated, not the humans and the humans who couldn't stand each other were forced to be around each other because of this. 

• Her first ever book was romantasy but it didn't sell

• She's never really written enemies to lovers before.

• She likes found family themes because she was raised in a military family and moved around a lot, so that makes it hard to keep in touch with your extended family, and after she married her husband and became a military wife, it was their found family that was there for her—it was her found family who helped her move her house, who sat with her when her husband was injured in Iraq, etc, so she thinks it's very important to show that your family is also the people you choose and that can be just as strong as any blood tie.

• She was asked (by Lynette) why she wanted to show death and the reality of war and she said, "I've been surrounded by it. My husband's been at war since 2003, he spent 22 years in the army, first as a 19 Delta cavalry scout and then ten years as an apache pilot and we buried our friends. And I saw what it did to him, and I saw what it did to our friends, I saw what it did to our children, to us, and I love being able to examine it from a fantasy perspective just because I think fantasy gives us a unique environment from which to critique our own world by viewing it through the lens of another. And I've always delved into those themes as to why we do this to each other and where is there hope to stop it?"

• As an author her favourite scenes in Fourth Wing were the dagger stealing scene (very important to their chemistry and romantic development—"she's the only person he's taught ever, how to actually kill him") and the first kiss scene.

In Iron Flame it was the interrogation scene and how that ends with Dain and Xaden and everything coming together.

When asked about a similar scene from Onyx Storm that elicited the same strong emotion from her she said "you're not gonna like it" and that's it 💀

• She would consider writing fantasy again after she's done with the Empyrean world, maybe one of her other pitches, but she won't truly think about it until she's survived this one.

• She spoke about the "kill your darlings" writing advice and how if you love a scene but it doesn't move the plot, you've gotta cut it, and how she did that with the final scene in Fourth Wing, which was originally 7k words of Violet POV pulling information out of Xaden.

• When asked about fan theories she actually said something I found a little sad. "I don't listen to fan theories. One, I'm not on TikTok—it's a little bit more important for me to be alive than to listen to what other people think they know about me, and two, I don't ever want fan theories to bleed into my writing."

〰️ And that's it! If anyone's going tomorrow, please voice record the whole thing and report back lmao 🙏 🫶🏼

ETA: part two is here, x

[side-shuffling-hyperfixations]

Is it just me or do 2003 Leo and Raph have the best relationship out of all the iterations? It's my favorite, at least. Like they do get snappy with each other sometimes but their spats aren't nearly as often, as intense or festering as long as some others I've seen.

It was refreshing that Raph didn't challenge Leo's position as leader nearly as much. Sometimes he would challenge the decisions he made while leading but not undermine his position. He learned and mostly accepted that Leo would be a good leader in childhood and he backed him up nine times out of ten (even when Leo didn't know it: e.g. the "If Leo needs us, we're here. But let's see what this is all about." An instance of Raph pulling a Leo-type move, hanging back to recon rather than rushing in, while Leo's judgment was clouded. Learning from each other and supporting even from a distance)

How ready they are to be there for each other? How openly protective they are of each other? Like they're not as coy or begrudging or emotionally constipated as others about showing how much they care. Small gestures, big gestures, it doesn't matter. Leo's having trouble focusing on a plan because of the noise? Raph makes the noise go away. Wasn't Raph the first one who wanted to look for Leo when his morning training (getting ambushed by the Foot) ran unusually late? Or the scene where Leo's suddenly getting pulled away by an unknown magical force and he calls out to his brothers in alarm. Don cries, "Oh, no!" as he and Mikey stand there and watch; they freeze up. Raph dives headlong after him instantly.

And how they take it when they can't be there for each other? He dove headlong and he didn't actually make it in time to grab Leo's hand before he's gone. Master Splinter has to physically hold him back as he's still shouting and fighting to get to him (and then he has to be restrained again by magic when it looks like Leo's in danger in the 1v1 he was pulled to. Screw the fact that he's obviously outpowered by the almighty binding rules of the duel, he'll go kicking and screaming anyway, that's his bro!) And the scene where they're on top of a moving car, Leo loses his grip on Raph and he falls and from Leo's POV, time slows until he sees Raph land alright. Raph facing his fear ick about bugs, jumping down to defend Leo from the big boss bug with no hesitation when he sees him get stung? And of course when he cries just the once (as far as I recall) in the whole series when Leo's seriously hurt. How he makes me cry in SAINW as he crawls to Leo's side, reaches out for him, calls his name with his dying breath, his last word is his brother's name as he falls beside him, hand against his??? And that was after being estranged in that what-if future! LIKE BRO THAT SCENE MAKES ME WANT TO SCREAM

Even just the two or three lines where Leo's waxing poetic about their family, being completely sincere, and Mikey bursts out laughing and teases him for being a sap. Raph immediately tells Mikey to lay off and that Leo's got a point.

They're just so good. They have a few arguments like all siblings do but there is zero doubt that they love each other to pieces and they don't hesitate at all to show it on the regular. And outside of that estrangement timeframe where they were traumatized and grieving and in a literal apocalypse where they lost all hope, they didn't let their relationship fall apart the way some other iterations did. (Like I love 2007 but that fight on the rooftop? Where Raph could have killed him? I watch it and I can't help but think to myself, "2003 Leo and Raph would never." We saw them have a tussle on a rooftop and the moment there was a possibility he put Raph in real danger, Leo came to his senses and dropped everything to make sure he was okay. I dunno)

Asfjskjfks this is all just biased four AM rambling. The point is I love them, your honor, best/closest/healthiest R&B dynamic duo forever in my heart <3 (Natural disclaimer: I don't say any of this to crap on any of the other iterations. I like them all! I just like 2003's portrayal the most)

[percabethsong]

I just read your warrior Penelope au post and I love how you explained why Penelope would go in his place because Odysseus is missing his leg, genius

Does it still take Penelope ten years to get back home after the Trojan war or is the timeframe shorter/longer? Is her journey back home similar to what happened in the Odyssey? And if so, does Odysseus get suitors at his door wanting his hand in marriage? How would he hold them off while he waits for his wife to get back home?

Sorry for the questions, late night thoughts go brrrrr

Unfortunately, the ten years journey home still happened, although some changes would be made. I think Circe's would be far more trusting of Penelope since she's a woman, although she would still have turned Penelope's crew into pigs, once Circe saw their captain was a woman and they respected her, she let them go easier and doesn't try to seduce her.

Calypso stays pretty much the same, though, it's Greek Mythology, pretty common to feel attraction to more than one gender.

I imagine Penelope, being Ares champion in this AU, may face things a little more upfront than Odysseus would, even though she's also smart and uses cunning sometimes.

The suitors is an interesting questions! I actually thought about this a lot. It depends how accurate things are with Greek Mythology/history. I often see in this AU Odysseus having suitors, which is a fun concept, but since I'm trying to make a version of this AU that would be more possible in universe (hence Penelope having to use her status as an Amazon to convince people she can fight as a woman, since they were some fem warriors in greek myths or general history, but it was difficult for them to gain people's respect), I would say not exactly. Odysseus already has a heir, and Greek Kings can rule without Queens. However, Odysseus is disabled in this concept, and Ancient Greece was a very ableist society. The exception often made were for war wounds, which Odysseus's wouldn't be considered. Odysseus is still very much capable to rule even if he can't fight, he has a sharp mind and Athena stays by his side helping him, which makes Odysseus a great king. However, it's a very hard thing to be respected as a disabled person in this time, even if it was a bit easier if you were nobility. Because he was the king and had a Amazon ruling by his side, people how doubted him kept their complaints to themselves in the beginning. But without Penelope people starting to question him more, especially after she doesn't return with the crew that left for war, making people more relentless. Then a group of men started to appear at the palaces, demanding Odysseus to choose one of them as an advisor and protector, since the queen had not return to fullfil this role. Odyssey not only very much does not need an advisor and protector, but is also aware of the men true intentions: once he chooses one, he'll be killed in a way that looks like an accident and the man he chose will claim the throne, since Telemachus is still too young to be king.

Regarding how Odysseus would hold them off... Hum, that's a interesting questions. I like to imagine he would invent a lot of little challenges for them, claiming he needs to test the skills of his future advisor, both physical and mental. He would come with a new game ever month. I can also picture him saying he would choose a advisor as soon as he finishes an marble sculpture of Penelope himself, without any help to honour his wife. Every night, though, he breaks a little peace of the stone, having to fix it and buying Penelope time. Or at least hold them down enough until Telemachus is ready to be king.

Don't apologise! I've actually never received these kind questions about a post and it made me really happy!

[ciozio]

Hello welcome to my horrible new AU.

ISAT Happiness AU !!

The AU where everyone is happy..

Yippee !!!

Nothings wrong.

Summary of the AU !!

Still needa add and develop more, but heres the basics ✨️

The King is looping people in a small period of time. When someone is stuck, they're reliving a moment over n over.

It's so they're at their happiest forever. Vaugarde in its perfection.

They're basically broken records / movie clips.

The party has seen people in conversations rehearsing the same lines again and again.. and such.

Sadnesses don't exist in this au. They're happinesses now !

The Happinesses of this au are the fake joys of the people stuck in these miniature loops.

The freezing tears are replaced with musical notes. They're magical and seeable. When you get close, there's a specific tune unique to each one.

Touching one will loop you in that moment.

You're stuck in the same thought and action. Doing it over n over again.

For Siffrin, he does it until the universe (his looping) takes him back due to him not progressing by being looped in such a small timeframe.

The Happinesses sing instead of cry.

The King though cries and sings. I can't not make him cry lmfao. He's still King.

I say they're more joyful tears tho, cuz he thinks he's winning.

(Some Main Game Spoilers down here!!)

Siffrin declines into insanity bc they start seeing King's pov. Doing good things right.. the smiles on his party's family member's audience's faces..

The main wish is the same. He wants to stay with them!!

But it morphed into "they'll only stay with me if they're happy."

<3

[bullet-prooflove]

A White Picket Fence: Mike McLusky x Reader

Tagging: @kmc1989 @mqdhvtter @buckysteveloki-me @elenavampire21 @noorbindi

Companion piece to:

Hell or Highwater - You and Mike always find your way back to each other.

Everything You Need (NSFW) - You and Mike get a little rough because you both won't commit.

Battle Scars - Mike tells you how he feels after a near miss.

Insomnia - Mike can't sleep without you.

Dreams - Mike experiances a panic attack in the middle of the night.

You’re drinking a cocktail when Mike finds you at The Wardrobe, an expensive hipster bar he wouldn’t normally be caught dead in. You’re sipping from A Sex on the Beach and he thinks it’s wishful thinking on your part because the coastline around here is filthy and rocky, a casualty of the industrial complex that fuels Kingstown’s economy.

“Not tonight.” You say, shaking your head as Mike takes up residence on the stool alongside of you. “I don’t want to be around you right now.”

“Stella…” He begins but the words they just won’t come because he doesn’t have any that will make this right.

Your relationship has always been complicated. He had never meant to sleep with his FBI handler and you had never meant to fall in love with an ex-con. The two of you are at an impasse because you’d asked him to leave with you last night, to start a new life somewhere else, somewhere you could both be happy, be free.

“I have responsibilities.” He’d told you and you’d left after that. He hadn’t followed, he figured you needed to take some time to recalibrate before he returns to the issue.

“If I leave this town.” He says finally as the bartender sets a glass of bourbon down in front of him. “I might as well be putting a match to a powder keg. You know that, I know you know that so why…”

He looks at you then, sees the glossiness of your eyes as you purse your lips together. His gaze lowers to your second drink, the one he’s just watched  the bartender make for you and he realises he didn’t see any peach schnapps or vodka. That Sex on the Beach, it’s a virgin which means…

“Oh.” He says, his grasp on the crystal tumbler tightening. “How far along?”

“Two months.” You tell him, poking at the ice in your glass with straw, the savagery of each strike sending a shiver up his spine. “I took the test a few days ago.”

He backtracks over the timeframe, the two of you were still using condoms at that point but the sex was vigorous. It wasn’t implausible that there had been an accident, that one could have torn without either of you knowing.

“And you were hoping…”

“Yea, but I guess now I got my answer.” You push away from the bar, snatching up your purse before you meet his gaze. “Don’t worry, I’ll take care it.”

It’s as you start to walk away, he catches your arm. You tilt your head towards him and he sees that devastation in you, he feels it acutely in his own chest because there is nothing else he wants more than to be that guy, the one that gets the white picket fence and a happy ending. But that’s not him, it will never be him.

“I’ll go with you.” He says quietly. “To the appointment. I’ll…”

You’re already shaking your head, cutting him off and something inside him dies because he won’t get to say goodbye to that baby. It’ll just disappear into the ether, the same way everything good always seems to in Mike’s life.

“It’ll just raise questions if someone sees you at the clinic.” You say, your voice entirely devoid of emotion and he understands in that moment that this has broken you, that the relationship between the two of you, it won’t ever be the same again.

“Take care Mike.” You say before pulling away. “I’ll text you when it’s done.”

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[shakingparadigm]

I always kind of wondered why Hyuna went out of her way to save Mizi in round five out of like anyone else. I originally thought it was just because she was up against Luka but that didn't really make sense because of round 4. You saying that she did it because she personally say herself in Mizi makes everything much more clear!! I was to busy look at the rescue from a more political standpoint against the aliens (which it still is) that from a more emotional one

I felt that too, honestly. When I first saw Mizi's rescue in ROUND 5 I found it confusing that Mizi was singled out as someone worthy of saving. Could Sua have been saved by the rebellion too? Why her and not anyone else? It's not just because she was up against Luka, the green-haired Durian girl went against him in ROUND 4 and there had been no effort to save her. It can't be just be her violent outburst, either, because Till acted out in ROUND 2 (and many instances before that) yet the rebellion remained unmoving.

So out of all people, why was Mizi saved? Since ROUND 5, I've settled on my own interpretation of things.

(The first one is more of my own speculation, while the second is more in line with canon, backed by Hyuna's info from Patreon)

1.) Why doesn't the Human Resistance Force save any other human from ALIEN STAGE? How do they increase their numbers in the first place?

I don't think it's common at all for the Human Resistance to interfere while ALIEN STAGE is ongoing. They must be well aware that it's one of the most dangerous moves they could ever pull. They can't afford to save every single contestant, and even if they could I still don't think they would've. Many human pets are raised to revere death as some kind of honor. Some of them are just happy enough to die, unfortunately. It's risky to try and convince someone who's loyal to the system to come to your side, as they might resist or rat out the whole rebel operation when pushed. You never know which humans actually want to be saved and which ones wish to live and die in the system.

Written on the walls beside Hyuna's wanted poster are messages by the rebels themselves. (Roughly translated) the one on the left reads:

Recruitment of Human Rebellion

Qualification: All human beings who hate segyein

Provides accomodation / residence / basic food, clothing, shelter

If we continue to live like this, we will die

We are better than your master

The Rebellion relies on humans to come to them, encouraging others to make the conscious decision to save themselves and switch sides. The rebellion can't save just anyone, a human has to prove that they don't want to be a part of the system, they need to show signs.

It makes sense that they didn't save Sua. In front of the cameras, she played her part of "the perfect pet" too well. She showed no signs of resistance and even smiled as she was shot dead.

Though still rebellious, Till had purpose in ROUND 2. Even if they came to save him, he wouldn't budge if it meant leaving Mizi behind. Plus, Till's performances usually call for an increased amount of security and guards to pin him down in case he loses control like they expect him to. Increased risk for a rescue mission that might amount to nothing.

Ivan in ROUND 3 played his part just as perfectly as Sua (it was only during ROUND 6 where Hyuna, most likely spurred on by Mizi's attachment to them and the successful rescue in ROUND 5, decided to push forward with saving both Ivan and Till).

After ROUND 1, Mizi lost everything. She lost her joy, her willingness to participate any further in the competition. Anyone watching ALIEN STAGE can tell just how despaired Mizi is, how she no longer wants to go on because of Sua's death. Furthermore, ROUND 5 was delayed because Mizi refused to participate. Maybe it was within this period of delay that the Rebellion began their plan of action.

Mizi openly showed her despair and refusal to participate in the competition any further, she provided the rebellion with a timeframe to execute the rescue mission, and her violent outburst at the end of ROUND 5 not only further proved her anger and disgust, but also nearly killed her. She needed to be saved at that point.

That's the best way I can try to explain the Resistance's decision for Mizi's rescue from a logical standpoint, but as we know, the true reason for Mizi's rescue is far more personally motivated.

2.) What does Hyuna see in Mizi that reminds her of herself? What drove Hyuna to save her?

Hyuna may have an older, tougher edge, but overall she and Mizi are the most genuinely extroverted and outgoing of the cast (or they were, at least). As children, they both shared a bright and sunny personality that positively affected all the people around them. Even their long hair and the way they styled themselves as children is strikingly similar.

Before Hyunwoo's death and whatever went down in the 49th season of ALIEN STAGE, Hyuna was most likely just as excited to compete as Mizi was. Although their motivations differed, they both shared a love for performing. Cheerful, optimistic, and painfully naive.

Hyuna seemed much more innocent and "pure" back then as well, taking a lonely Luka under her wing and caring for him together with Hyunwoo just as she treated every other child in the Anakt Garden as her little sibling. Hyuna seems to retain this sisterly instinct, shown by taking in more humans into the Human Resistance and looking after them, providing shelter and other basic needs for those who wish for a safe refuge. However, she's much more cautious with who she allows to come close. Hyuna in present is incredibly jaded behind her cheery facade, and has lost all her naiveté. She adopted her righteousness from Hyunwoo, who seemed to hold strong positive beliefs from the beginning while she herself held a more realistic and somewhat pessimistic outlook. Hyuna believes that all humans are inherently selfish, and even the most altruistic of people possess this selfishness in their nature.

Plagued by all the past events and the trauma that heavily affected her way of living, Hyuna allows herself to fall into vices such as smoking and drinking, which she indulges in so often that it's stated as her "likes" on her official profile. These not only serve as a coping mechanism for her past hurt, but also as a way to further distance herself from segyein culture, which prefers their pets to remain prim and proper. Although years have passed, it's apparent that Hyuna still hasn't moved on from the death of her brother. While her intentions for an uprising are for the benefit of all human pets, seemingly altruistic, Hyuna herself states that people are selfish, and she is no exception.

It seems that Hyuna is in pursuit of vengeance or justice. Her motivation for rebelling is fueled not only by her wish for freedom, but also by the urge to make up for Hyunwoo's death. She wants to be freed from the shackles of past, and it is through Mizi that Hyuna hopes to accomplish this.

Mizi, much like Hyuna, has experienced the devastating loss of someone who has been with her for almost her whole life. Someone who meant the world to her is now splayed out on the ground, blood spilling out of their lifeless body. The horror in that wide-eyed stare, paralyzed in shock... It's all too familiar.

To add fuel to the flame, the person who further perpetuates Mizi's misery is Luka, tormenting her with memories of Sua and stepping uncomfortably into her space, leading her like a puppet. It's established that whatever connection Hyuna had with Luka is now cut. She no longer holds a fond protectiveness over him, now viewing him as a threat that must be eliminated or brought to justice, hence the dagger held over his head. Whether or not she can find it within herself to actually bring the dagger down... we'll have to wait and see.

Hyuna sees much of herself in Mizi, and she hoped to console her own pain by saving and helping her, almost as if she were helping another version of herself.

Near the end of All-In, it's Hyuna's turn to become paralyzed at the sight of someone that might as well have been dead to her. Re-entering ALIEN STAGE grounds inevitably presents one with Luka's image, and when Hyuna recalls her memories with him, she freezes up. She and Mizi have now switched places, with Hyuna as the one in need of saving and Mizi as the only one up to the task. When Mizi fired the gun and saved her, Hyuna felt more "healed" than before. She felt a sense of satisfaction and peace due to Mizi's growth and slow but steady recovery.

Hyuna's rescue of Mizi ended up serving the both of them. Mizi learned to stand on her own two feet again and gained strength, while Hyuna was able to put herself at ease.

At present, Hyuna is the person Mizi confides most in. Mizi finds herself similar to Hyuna in many ways, especially after hearing about her past.

[raven-at-the-writing-desk]

I don't know if it's just me, but do some of the events seem... I don't know... Lacking? It might just be me having high standards, but more than once it seems like there was a build up for something that didn't meet the hype, or the event simply didn't go the way I thought it should. Do you mind sharing your thoughts on this? Of course, you don't have to if you don't want to.

I don’t know how hot of a take this is, but I think most TWST events are mediocre. I'm looking for a certain type of story (ones with clear set up and pay off + actual stakes), and more often than not TWST decides to focus its events on the total opposite (being silly). I love the events where we get to visit, explore, and experience other countries, but I also fully acknowledge how dull they can be because those events are mostly eating local foods and shopping for souvenirs. Nothing wrong with stories like that, it's all just a matter of person taste. The unseriousness of events helps to balance out the meatiness of the main story, and it's nice to have that contrast.

That being said, the quality of the events is still all over the place and I think that's a natural consequence of the frequency of them. We get a new story event like every 1-2 months whereas we get a single chunk of the main story maybe once in that timeframe (or sometimes in an even longer timeframe; I still remember going more than half a year without a book 5 update). The devs may not be able to keep up the pace while also providing top tier content every single time. That's no fault of their own, it's just how the gacha model works. You need to keep pumping out new content to retain the player base and make money. We should have higher standards for the media we consume, so it's fine to critique the events and say, "it's not as good as it could have been", "this felt rushed and/or incomplete", "there was definitely a missed opportunity here", etc. What's NOT okay to do is to insult the people who worked hard on bringing the events to us. So long as you keep that mind, you're fine to express your thoughts. I'm afraid I can't really go into further detail since your initial ask was vague and did not cite any particular events you take issue with. As for myself, I know I've certainly had my fair share of complaining about how... meh... some events are. To this day, I still salt about the weird pacing and plot holes of Stage in Playful Land, the lack of satisfying payoff in Tamashina Mina, and the lack of accountability in Endless Halloween Night. I'm sure there are other events I haven't liked very much, but those are the main offenders for me.

[breakyourrxles]

❥between two breaths (m) | 𝟙𝟚

𝐢𝐧𝐬𝐚𝐧𝐢𝐭𝐲

↳ When two conversations come to pass, you find yourself in the precarious situation of navigating both:

One, an inkling of something you'd expected.

And two, the uncomfortable truths of the situation you have wrapped yourself in.

kim sunwoo x fem!reader (side lee juyeon x reader) — idol!sunwoo, fan/trainee!reader. forced proximity, forbidden love, friends to lovers, angst, slow burn, idolverse-typical themes regarding; dating, image, public perception, etc. happy ending, plot-heavy!! reader thinks she's nonchalant about it but she rly isn't. smut. [6,4k wc ongoing] cws: heavy themes of wanting-but-can't-having, mild jealousy, explicit sexual content, a little alcohol consumption, dancing on the edge of career suicide, poor decision making because of The Wanting.

❥ masterlist | ao3

He laughs under his breath, shaking his head in disbelief at his own words and then says, "And even still, even knowing this, I still do it. I still choose you every time."

September rolls around and marks the fact that your debut anniversary is just around the corner, but with so much on your mind you find little time to enjoy the success of that.

Days after your meeting with your manager, word begins to spread amongst the members about the impending comeback. Woori breaks the finality of it to the team in a group text message, but appears to know just as little about the details of it as you do. The meeting is set for tomorrow, and though you want to be excited about that fact, it is just another thing that remains hampered by the invisible elephant in the room.

You've still not managed to reach Sunwoo, but you do know that he is home now.

It's unlike him to not bother with hounding you, tracking you down and sending a wave of messages about any such thing. The kind of guy who repeats texts back-to-back despite not receiving a response, the kind of guy who always has something to say and may resort to ridiculous threats should you not reply in a reasonable timeframe as decided by him.

But now, there is silence, and you can't help but wonder if the meeting with his manager has anything to do with it.

Stuffed into a tiny corner table inside of the cafe, you idly scroll through your phone and pick at a sandwich that's sat in front of you.

You don't look at the articles. They exist and you know that and you find little need to continue to check on them. Whether more come in or they all disappear, it's of no consequence to you. All that can happen now is that the conversations that need to take place, do. One of them being a very uncomfortable conversation with the man that you can't seem to get sat down for it.

The bread is a little stale, and as it crumbles down to the plate your eyes follow the journey. That is, until your attention is driven to the body that's standing in front of you.

"Hi."

Without asking, Sunwoo slots himself into a chair that's shoved between a wall and a trash can, hardly enough room to even pull it out. He makes something of a ruckus about the whole thing, though it's of no fault of his own, but it does draw a bit more attention to the two of you than you'd really like to have. All things considered.

With a low, quiet voice you say, "Is this a good idea right now?"

"Well, I'm a bit wrapped up lately, if you haven't noticed! I don't have a lot of time to talk."

The inflection on the last word implies far more than conversing might normally entail.

Thankfully, the table immediately beside you is empty, though the one after that is full with company staff members who do not directly work with either of your groups. It's as good as it's going to get, you figure, though the most important topic at hand is going to have to wait until a far more opportune and private time.

Your eyes break away from him, and looking back down at your lackluster sandwich you say, "Now who isn't answering their messages?"

"I know, I'm sorry." Sunwoo immediately relents to it and accepts his wrongdoing in a way that comes as a little bit of a surprise to you. He exhales a heavy sigh, slumps into the chair and says, "It's been rough. I've been non stop hopping flights, attending events, shaking hands… I barely even know what time it is on any given day with the amount of jetlag I've been dealing with."

"Yeah, I know. Just sort of a bad time to start ghosting, you know?"

Sunwoo's eyebrows furrow just a bit, he seems genuinely shocked by the message hidden behind the actual words. "You think I'm…?"

A small smile creeps in, and glancing up at him briefly you say, "No, but sometimes. Maybe."

He shoots forward, arms against the table and leaned far too closely towards you for what's comfortable given your location. Sunwoo's eyes are judgingly narrow and soft curls curtain over them like usual, and despite his pleasant appearance, he is obviously far from pleased by what you've just said.

"Me?" he whispers, "You think me of all people is going to ghost? Guy who constantly injects soulmate romance anime directly into my bloodstream like it's the only thing that sustains me. You think I'm not about this life for real? I'll stand on this table and tell everyone what we've been up to right now!"

Groaning, you say, "Please don't do that, and besides, based on what the gossip sites have been saying I don't think you really need to. I'm sure you've heard."

Sunwoo sits back into his previous lazy position but this time crosses his arms over his chest, petulant and disgruntled. "Yeah, loved having that sit down with my manager at two in the morning in fucking France."

"What'd he say?"

"He shook me down for about an hour about whether or not I have a girlfriend." Sunwoo rolls his eyes. "And when I wouldn't say that I do—because I don't, though of no fault of my own—he kind of gave up and just told me to get my shit together or things were gonna get ugly. Whatever that means. What'd your manager say?"

"Somewhat the same," you admit. "Though he erred more on the side of not being all that interested in whether or not I'm involved." Looking up at Sunwoo, you give him a small smile and say, "He did tell me to pass along the fact that you need to get it together, though."

"Crazy that they immediately put the target on your back," Sunwoo says, exasperated by it all. "Why does no one believe I know other women? This is nuts! I know other women!"

Shrugging, you say, "On the bright side, no one online seems all that convinced of it. No names, no guesses. So really, this has nothing to do with me!"

Sunwoo's eyes shift past you and towards the table of people seated just nearby, and obviously forgoing the thing that he actually wishes to say, he instead relents to the surroundings and only says, "Yeah, I guess it doesn't." His attention then falls to the picked apart sandwich at your hand, and with clear intent to change the subject he asks, "Are you going to eat that?"

"No," you say, sliding the plate over to him. "I wouldn't really suggest you do, either."

"I don't even care at this point. I've been so busy I've hardly had time for a proper meal in weeks. Speaking of…" Sunwoo says, trailing off but leaving time to take a hard-fought bite out of the stale bread. "I did a really interesting photoshoot in Japan with this up and coming photographer, I don't know when the pictures are gonna come out, but they look amazing. Don't be jealous when all my fans start swooning over me again, okay?"

"I've long since been out of the swooning life. They can swoon as much as they like, that's the point, isn't it?"

He grins just slightly, a sort of devilish sparkle sitting in his eye as he does so and then says, "No, not entirely, anyway."

Growing tired of his antics, you opt to change the subject. "Tell me more about this photographer, you seem fond of him."

"Her," Sunwoo corrects, "and yeah, she was amazing. We talked a lot in between rolls and I guess she doesn't do a lot of idol work but really wanted to shoot me. Can you believe it? This face always coming in clutch when I need it to."

He waves a hand around his face and pouts his lips to drive home the point, but you give him little more than a tired roll of your eyes in response.

"Don't you have somewhere to be? Somewhere that isn't here, bothering me before I have to get to work?"

"Yes, but you were throwing a tantrum in my messages so I figured I should probably stop by. Oh, how the tables have turned!"

You throw your napkin at him, and he scrambles to his feet just as quickly. "I'll find you later," he says, and you don't like the hint of nefariousness that hangs alongside the threat.

The day is upon you, and the members of MVNE all sit scattered around the elongated table with messy hair and lazy sweatshirts as a staff member from the company goes over the up and coming plans for a fairly hurried comeback schedule.

Normally, music video filming might already be completed. Instead, the following days will involve long hours spent in a salon chair, numerous fittings for attire, and a gauntlet of choreography and line learning; not to mention the studio time necessary for actually recording the song.

You like the demo, and it doesn't sound particularly difficult as far as delivery might be concerned. Recording should be smooth and probably the least time-intensive of all of the tasks required. The woman standing at the front pointing at individual aspects of her Powerpoint presentation insists that it won't be demanding, but really, you can't imagine her to be much of a judge of that.

At one point in the meeting, Woori's eyes find yours, and a quick roll of them commiserates your feelings.

In times like this, you can't help but wonder why the preparation for this is only starting now. MVNE have been busy, but not so much so that there would have been no way to get the wheels in motion long before now. The Boyz comeback has only just ended, and the understanding of not wanting overlap is not lost on you, but that doesn't mean that there had been no reason not to begin recording, filming or choreography learning in the meantime.

It is mildly annoying, a feeling that sits heavy in your chest amongst all of the other ones. A plethora of displeasure. So many options that you can choose from inside of you to ruminate on at any given moment; comeback plans, poor company management, articles online, and amidst all of that—Sunwoo, in general.

To say you feel insecure about where you stand with him would not be an understatement, and while your short conversation with him in the cafe has done its best at staving off those unfortunate thoughts, it cannot possibly be enough. You remain unsure of what the two of you are, and more than that, unsure if you truly wish to delve into an actual discussion about it, either.

Partaking in the perks of a relationship without actually calling it as much won't save you from the hammer of judgment in the public eye should all of this go awry, but for reasons unbeknownst to you, you cling to the idea of it as if it might.

As the meeting comes to a close, agitation has drifted up and taken hold. You do as you're meant to; smile, thank everyone, play the part of an idol who is forever thankful and indebted to the people who have sacrificed so much so that you and the other girls could be here today. It's all a farce; avaricious shareholders sitting at the top to throw money and ideas down the ladder for the smaller, lesser people to bend backwards into forming to fruition. A fact you have always known, and on the worse days such as this, one that makes the smile formed on your lips just a bit more forced than before.

It sounds dramatic when you recount it to yourself; really, you're just having a bad day.

Nara notices your scowl once you all shuffle out of the room and back down the hall. Separate schedules await all of the members, but for you is the promise of a couple of free hours until the late afternoon. Choreography is set to begin as soon as possible, and you're already dreading whatever it is that is awaiting you in that place.

"Do you want to get something to eat downstairs?" she asks, but you're quick to shake your head with plans already made in the back of your mind.

"I'm gonna take a walk, I think. Get some fresh air before this disaster of the next couple of months starts."

She accepts it without pushback—expected from her—and heads off to the next thing that sits upon her plate. You try not to let your thoughts take you to a darker place as you make your way down to the lobby and onto the street, because ideally, you would like to actually enjoy the reprieve that your little, secret coffee shop typically has to offer you.

You take one last inhale of fresh air from the outdoors before stepping inside. The little bell up top jingles, but what awaits you there is something you are not expecting.

People…?

The girl behind the counter looks up and then gasps, wholly unexpecting you at this hour. It's only then that you realize that you don't come here during usual operating hours, that of course it is likely for other patrons to be inside, and that your being here at all could pose an incredibly difficult situation for the people meant to be running it smoothly.

She whips around and dashes over to you, takes you by the arm, and begins ushering you towards the back. Apologies drop from you without more thought accompanying them, but she doesn't seem upset by your being here. 

Eyes from the people seated inside seem less interested in who you are, and more intrigued by the sudden bustle of her shoving you away from them. It all happens so fast; past the counter, beyond the small door that leads to the bathroom, quickly brought past piled boxes and broken chairs that sit piled against a wall and only barely kept out of sight with a hung, purple sheet.

Before you can gather your bearings you are brought around another corner into another small room with a tiny window near the ceiling and a single, tiny table. Seated there is none other than Juyeon.

He looks up at you with a smile already pulling at his cheeks, seemingly amused by a scene that he hasn't even had the luxury of watching play out. "You came in through the normal entrance."

"I didn't know there was another option."

"It's business hours, you're an idol, you can't just waltz into any ol' place anymore. Sit."

The girl hurriedly locates another chair and sets it up at the opposite end of the table, though it is so small that it hardly feels any different from the exact place that he is seated. You exhale heavily, the messiness of the day wears on you in ways that you know are evident to anyone that sees you, and Juyeon is nothing if not perceptive.

"Long day?" he asks.

Your face falls into your hands. "We have a comeback in two months."

"Ah. Yeah, we know that one." Juyeon slowly shoves his cup of coffee towards you and bumps your arm with it so as to alert you to its presence and then he says, "I take it you just got out of your meeting then."

"Everything happens so much."

"And it's going to continue to, so you're just going to have to get used to that." His hand finds your wrist and gently tugs one of your hands away from your face, forcing eye contact between you. "I heard about the other stuff."

You groan through a "yeah."

"I'd love to be able to tell you it's going to get better, and in a lot of ways, it will. It's going to take time, though. The early years are the worst. If you can get through this, you can get through anything."

The girl returns with a cup of coffee and a sandwich of your own. You thank her, and as she leaves, the door to the room is surprisingly slid shut.

This sound makes you alert, and you twist back to confirm the fact. Once you come to fully understand that you are now sharing a private space with this man, you slowly turn back to look at his softly grinning face.

"It's not often that we get to enjoy time like this," he says. "Idols in general, I mean. Just a sectioned off, secluded space to simply be ourselves, and with the company of others who share the burden."

"I try to avoid being alone with any men at this stage in my life, for obvious reasons."

Sitting back, Juyeon shrugs and brings his mug to his lips. The sip he intends to take is paused, and before he does he says, "That's probably for the best, as you've seen, but…" He drinks his coffee, narrow, dark eyes never leaving you for so much as a second and continues with, "Not everyone is as reckless, you know."

With your heart beginning to race, you make an attempt to talk down what you feel might be beginning to form in front of you. Your time spent with Juyeon over the months is something that you have very much come to enjoy; a friendship, a comradery that you don't have with any of the other members of his team, and that feels good to have with someone inside of the idol space, but not amongst your own members, either. Someone who understands, someone who has shared parts of themselves with you, and that has allowed you to do much of the same unto him. You've been so caught up in a whirlwind of something that lately, you don't think you even really understand. Now, you sit and wonder, have you missed this all along? 

Has the way Juyeon looks at you right now, always been the way that he has looked at you?

With a trembling hand, you take a sip from your drink and go to set the mug back down against the saucer, but with your attention still fully grasped by Juyeon, your aim is off; the bottom of it finds the small spoon setting against the porcelain, and it falls to the cement floor deafeningly loud to your sensitive and highly-alert senses.

"Fuck!" It's the first thing that comes to mind, and you wholeheartedly mean it as you scramble to the ground. You can hear Juyeon chuckling under his breath at the exclamation, and as you finally locate the wayward silverware your head juts up to find his face only mere inches from your own.

You hadn't noticed him drop down in an effort to aid your search, and now that the two of you are here together beneath this cramped table space, it feels as though the entire world stops.

His eyes drop down to your lips, your breath catches in your chest and you hold it there remaining perfectly still. Memory recalls your first photoshoot together and that moment in which he had done much of the same; his hand on your leg, the smell of his cologne, the very first time you had allowed yourself to really, truly see him.

"Talking like that is going to get you some online articles of your own," he says, voice low and tone heavy in a way that is felt right down to your bones. Slowly, the distance between your faces begins to close. You remain statuesque as it does, resigning yourself to this, allowing it. Maybe even…

"Sunwoo and I…"

It all but falls out of you. Some inkling of a truth that you've not admitted to anyone, that has never left the confines of closed spaces and secret affairs shared only between the two of you. You recognize it for precisely what it is: something that needs to be done, an honesty that needs to be expressed with urgency, and while the guilt of having done so is of no surprise to you, what does come as a surprise is the tinge of regret that prickles at your skin.

Juyeon stops, pulls away slightly and with wide eyes of genuine stun he says, "Oh, I didn't know you were dating."

With the stupid spoon in hand, you finally climb back into your chair and once seated back into some sort of relative order, Juyeon awkwardly glances around a bit and adds: "For once he didn't say anything about it."

You slowly close your eyes and contemplate what would have to happen for this day to get any worse.

"I wouldn't say that we're dating."

He cocks his head quizzically. "Sleeping together…?"

"I wouldn't say that, either."

"Sounds complicated in exactly the sort of ways I might expect from Sunwoo," Juyeon says, and you're charmed by his ability to quickly brush off the messy happenings of only moments prior. "Then the gossip sites are right. They didn't allude to you, so I presume there's no concern of the two of you being spotted out together?"

It all sounds so juvenile when you are forced to put it into a verbalized perspective. You take another clumsy sip of your coffee and say, "No, we don't really… go out."

Juyeon laughs at that. Full and hearty, and it does little to quell the humiliation already rushing through your veins.

"You don't go out, but you're not sleeping together, either." He leans back and crosses his arms, less judging, and far more amused. You're not sure which you might prefer. "I hate to say it, but this is just so incredibly him. Sunwoo really never is going to beat the loser loverboy allegations."

Flustered, you feel driven to right some sort of incomprehensible wrong that you're not even sure is being spoken of. "I mean, it's not like we're not…"

"Oh, I'm sure, but he's just not the kind of guy that's going to rush to it," Juyeon says. "He has all these romanticized ideas about life, love… sex. I'm sure you've noticed."

The crushing realization that you're talking about not fucking Sunwoo with Juyeon suddenly becomes dizzyingly apparent,  and your palms find your face once more.

"You don't have to be embarrassed about it," he adds, "I had my suspicions."

"I'm not embarrassed!" you say, though that's an obvious lie and you make quick work of trying to amend it. "It's not that. Neither of us have told anyone about this, and now all these articles are coming out and we have to have meetings with our managers about them and deal with the thinly veiled threats that come along with them. He's never around, he's too busy; now with my own comeback around the corner I'm going to be too busy, and it just sort of feels like—"

"What's the point?" he interjects.

"Yeah," you say through a sigh. Admittedly, it feels freeing to be able to talk about it with someone that you know is safe to do so with, and so, you continue. "Sunwoo has all these ideas—like you said—and sometimes it feels a little bit like none of it is really grounded in reality. I'd like to be all-in with him, I'd love to be able to meet him there, but sometimes it feels like I'm the only one out of the two of us that's willing to take the rose-colored glasses off and look at this with any level of realism."

Juyeon listens to your words and for a moment, sits with you in silence as the aftermath of your truth washes over the both of you. He offers a small, understanding nod that, for once, gives you the kind of comfort that you've long since been seeking when it comes to all of this: that someone gets where it is that you're coming from. That your apprehensions are not unfounded, and that the worry you carry is very much grounded and real.

Then he leans forward, hands folded against the table and says, "Do you want me to be honest with you?"

The question feels daunting in ways you couldn't have anticipated, and though you strongly feel the urgency of something that you do not want to hear sitting on the other side, you muster up the courage and tell him "yes."

"The worst thing that can happen is that the company catches wind of this before anyone else does," he says, voice soft and quiet despite your privacy. "I know that sounds backwards, how could it be worse than the public finding out? But I promise you, once they get a hold of it then they'll be able to spin any kind of narrative they want, and there's no telling what that could be. Media play against you, media play against him, they might even want to force you into admitting the truth despite it not even really being the case. Whatever they think works best and easiest for them is what they're going to do, and absolutely no consideration for either of you will be taken into account."

The thought of it sends chills down your spine.

"Honestly? You'd be better off just hard-launching on social media," he adds.

"Are you insane!?"

Juyeon laughs at the outburst. "I'm not saying you should do that, I'm saying it'd probably be better than whatever they could cook up. None of us want to think about it for obvious reasons, but those people don't care about us. That's just how it is. The point I'm trying to make is: this isn't sustainable as it's currently going. Sunwoo is about as hard to see through as a window pane, he's already slipping up enough for his fans to notice. Won't be long until one of you gets caught out in public with the wrong hoodie on because they got swapped on the bedroom floor."

Another groan escapes you. Indeed, you did not want to hear this level of truth-telling.

"I like to think I'm a little bit smarter than that one, at least."

Eyes on you firmly, Juyeon raises a pointed eyebrow and says, "I am not concerned about you."

"Alright, then I have to ask," you say, melting down into your uncomfortable wooden chair, "If you were in this situation, what would you do?"

"I want to be clear that I never would be in this situation, for starters." 

You do not appreciate his comical prowess at this given moment.

"But…" he says, carrying on, "If I was, and this wasn't just some fleeting, fun moment in both of our lives that neither of us genuinely see a future in, then we'd just have to sit down and have a very serious talk about it. Lay everything out on the table; your feelings, what both of you want out of this, how to move forward in a way that doesn't jeopardize both of your careers. It's not going to be fun, and both of you are going to have to give up a lot and choose not to do certain things that you probably really want to do. Secret meetings at restaurants or trips to places together; that's all a thing of the past now, it was the moment you signed that contract and then stepped out onto that debut stage."

The weight of a reality that you've already known feels suffocating now, more than ever. You have no words to give to him right then, only a thin, tight smile that you hope gets across your thankfulness.

"I know you know all of this," Juyeon adds, "Now you're going to have to remind him before the company does."

It's daunting, and your swift trip to the bathroom afterwards is less because of the coffee consumed, and far more to expel the contents of your stomach; truth and all.

There are no sick days in the life of an idol, and today more than ever you are made painfully aware of that fact.

Your stomach still twists with the reminder of a conversation prior, but there is choreography to learn and a comeback looming in the near horizon that tells you that you are not afforded the common luxury of sitting at home and feeling sorry for yourself. No one cares that you're not feeling up to it, and your job is to shut up and make everyone believe that you are.

The elevator doors open, and the cleaning staff must have just had their way with it because it reeks of products and sanitation. This scent is nothing new to you, though it is one that you have long since become accustomed to in a way that you almost don't even notice these days. It serves as another reminder of why you are here and what is expected of you; to be perfect, to rise to everyone's expectations at all times, and if you can't, then you better pretend that you can.

Or else.

You press the button for the twelfth floor, light-headed and uncomfortable. Now is your last chance to shake all of this off and walk into that room with your best face on and the capacity to learn.

After three floors, the elevator stops, the doors slide open, and your stomach fucking drops.

"Sunwoo."

He is delighted to see you, and you wish that you could match his enthusiasm. Perhaps in any other circumstance, during any other day you would, but with the events regarding your comeback, regarding Juyeon, regarding him only just having happened, the best you can give him is an awkward smile as he enters along with you.

And he wastes no time closing the distance between your bodies.

Your hands fly up and force space, lightly pushing him away from you as you insist that he doesn't do this.

"I've missed you," he says, and you are so weak to him by now that your efforts to keep him at bay quickly fall flat. Sunwoo's hands slip under the hem of your shirt and fingertips press into the skin of your waist as he draws you closer towards him. "I want to see you, I have to leave again soon, but before I do…"

Just as your back finds the wall of the elevator, his lips press against yours. Your breath leaves you, all of the fight you had just had dissipates in that very moment. How do you find the strength to turn away something that ultimately, you desperately desire?

Palms pressed against his chest and once used to push him away now curl into the cloth beneath them to hold him in place. Sunwoo's mouth slips down from yours to travel the line of your jaw and subsequently along the column of your throat. You've been here so many times before that it comes as second nature for your head to fall back and allow him to have his taste. Warm breath wafts over damp patches of skin where his tongue has just been, your eyes flutter open as the elevator continues to slowly travel towards its destination; and then, you spot it. The camera hanging in the corner, placed to watch for any misdoings.

Your blood runs cold, all of those feelings of horror, and fright, and anger rush through your body once more and you shove him away with all of your might. Sunwoo stumbles back, shocked and confused by the sudden turn of events, and you nod up towards the recording device that clearly, he has not been made aware of through the numerous years prior.

"Oh, they don't check that thing unless something happens," he reasons, "Ya know, like if someone got, I don't know, killed or whatever, then they check the footage. I promise they're not scouring hours of footage to see if their talent is making out in the elevator."

His nonchalant attitude about the entire thing only serves to anger you more, and with a plethora of things you want to say, you have to steady yourself and think through the options as to not land a far more hurtful blow than what is deserved. The truth of the matter, however, is that you are hurting. You have been hurting under the tremendous weight of a situation that only you seem to be bothered to care about even half as much as it is deserving of, and now that the final straw has broken the camel's back, you can't help but unleash it and force him to share that pain.

With trembling breath, you shake your head and say, "You can't keep doing this. You're going to destroy everything, you're going to ruin both of our lives." Your voice shakes as you speak your truth, the unbearable agony of all of this finally spilling out of you, tears beginning to well up in your eyes. "You're so fucking reckless. Do you even care if anything happens? Maybe you can handle the blowback of something like this coming out, but I can't. Do you even think about that, or is all you think about just whatever you want in one, single moment?"

Sunwoo stares back at you with a dumbfounded sort of expression, but you're not finished.

"You're gone all the time, you don't even answer me when I try to get a hold of you, when I try to have a very serious discussion about what is already beginning to happen to us. You're so fucking immature! You can't just disappear and then show back up like nothing has even happened, continue to act like this like nobody is ever watching. Sunwoo, they are watching! And guess what? They fucking know." 

"I said I was sorry," he mumbles out, barely audible.

The lashing of your words is visible on his form. Sunwoo stands in front of you with a fallen face that no longer shows any signs of the jovial, bright-eyed idol that you've always known and adored. What stands before you now is a man that is faced with the mounting consequences of his actions—actions he has not fully considered as they have taken place—and the aching understanding that he has, in fact, been wrong.

"But…" he says, and that singular word sends piques the anxiety already coursing through you.

"You think you're the only one that stands to lose everything from this?" Sunwoo's arms dangle lifeless at his sides as he watches you, his expression a somewhat indiscernible mix of thoughts and feelings that he never quite has been able to fully conceal. One of many you are able to pick out, however, is woundedness.

"You think this won't ruin my career if it were to get out? You don't think that's something I think about and grapple with every single day? I make a choice every time we see each other, and I'm forced to decide if this—what we're doing—is worth it to me. You think I'm not thinking about it, I have to think about it. It's all I think about every second of every day."

He brings a hand up and drags it through the air as if to highlight a line of invisible text standing between you. "'Senior idol grooming fans, predatory behavior, power imbalance fully acted upon,' that's what the headlines will read. You think that's something I can recover from? Something I just brush off and don't have the mind to consider? Have you considered it recently? Because you used to, at least."

"Then why are you so reckless about it?" you ask, pleading for his understanding. "The fans have noticed, people have noticed. Now that the idea is out there they're going to continue watching and looking for the signs, and it's only a matter of time until one of us slips up, we can't keep—"

"I want to see you!" Sunwoo snaps. "You're terrified! You want this but you're unwilling to take the leap, unwilling to take any steps that make this safe because you're afraid if you do, then that's going to make it too real. It's like… you think that if you're a bystander in all of this—if I'm the one that takes all the leads in it—then you'll have enough plausible deniability to escape the wrath of public perception when it inevitably does break. Does that not sound like you're perfectly happy to let me take the fall for this?" He laughs under his breath, shaking his head in disbelief at his own words and then says, "And even still, even knowing this, I still do it. I still choose you every time."

Sunwoo's honestly hits you hard, and though you part your lips in hopes of issuing a reply, all that rips from you is a terrible, gut-wrenching sob.

"Honestly, what else do you want me to do? We can put the ball in your court and we both know where that will lead. If that's what you want, then you should just say it." His voice shakes at the tail end of the sentence, and you can't bear to look at him for fear of what you might find. "We don't have to do this, we can call it quits right now and I'll deal with that. But…" Finally, you force yourself to look up at him. This isn't what you wanted, this is so far from what you wanted. Sunwoo shakes his head gently, as if he is as much in disbelief of this outcome as you are and finally he finishes it by saying, "How long do you expect me to pretend that I don't lo—" Ding!

The elevator stops, the doors fly open, and there stands Serri, Kaia and Miyoung.

Sunwoo turns to look at them, and you meet their awed stares at the scene that they have just stumbled upon. Not a single word is spoken for what feels like a lifetime to you, the seconds ticking by like hours as silence fills the space. All you can hear is the pounding of your heart in your own ears, that is, until Sunwoo exhales a heavy sigh and fully turns to face the three of them.

"Listen to me very carefully," he starts, with a firmness to his voice that you've never quite heard before. "As your senior, this moment right here? This never happened. Are we clear?"

All three of them nod slowly.

"Great." It's far from great, and the sarcasm dripping from Sunwoo's utterance of it makes that incredibly clear. He turns back to look at you as you quickly try to wipe your face and make yourself presentable even though the damage has already been done. He sighs again and simply says, "I'll leave first."

And leave first, he does.

[kaibutsushidousha]

The Hundred Line - Famitsu interview June 19th 2024

What does the title Hundred Line mean?

Kodaka: The simplest way to describe this game is: student have to live together in a school while fighting to survive 100 days. This "100 days" timeframe became a major keyword, so we decided to express it through the title The Hundred Line - Last Defense Academy.

The game has been described as "a tale of extreme x despair produced by the creators of Danganronpa". This "extreme x despair" keyword reminds me of the Concept Art 1 presented September 2018 at the announcement of Too Kyo Games. Caption: Extreme x Despair. A game co-written by Kodaka and Uchikoshi!

Kodaka: As you can imagine, this is the game from Concept Art 1. We finally managed to announce, but at first, The Hundred Line was developed as Too Kyo's first original IP. However, our company isn't capable of self-publishing, so now we're working with Aniplex, on a half-half split on production costs.

When did development start?

Kodaka: Since we founded Too Kyo Games (2017), so that has been 6 or 7 years. At first, Uchikoshi and I partnered with another major publisher to release our game, but unfortunately, the project was canceled...

In a previous interview, you mentioned a title not coming out as planned, but I didn't think you mean an actual cancellation...

Kodaka: I have so much I could talk about on this one, but I don't think the first talk about this game should be about what went wrong, so how about we save it for another day? Haha. Although The Hundred Line's project was canceled for a while, now, after finding what we needed to make it a good game, we rebranded it and restarted our whole internal development cycle.

We were initially fine with it being indie-sized, but as the story and character designs were getting polished, and the concept gained a more solid form, we started thinking we couldn't make our ideal game unless we went bigger. Determined to put our hand to the test... we took a loan.

A loan!?

Kodaka: It wasn't guaranteed that we'd have the working capital to maintain our enlarged development scope even if we sold all of our stocks. We advanced the production with the phantom of debt on our necks while we searched for a new publisher, and that's where I met Aniplex and smoothly sold our pitch.

However, since this game has simulation RPG sections, they said that'd need a third-party developer. For that, they introduced us to the accomplished Media Vision and had them join the dev team. We're also cooperating with Jet Studio, who worked with us before in Danganronpa and Rain Code.

After all that it took to get this game to a presentable state, we of Too Kyo Games consider it a proud symbol of our persistence, or better yet, the culmination and conclusion to the current stage of our careers.

Staking your life on your work has never been so literal...

Kodaka: True, if this game flops, we won't be able to pay our debt. In that sense, this also provides a rare opportunity to the playerbase too. They get to witness how much a single title's sales can influence the future of a creator and company.

That's not the kind of suspense I want as a game fan, haha. Still, with six years of development, is it safe to assume you've been through a fair share of hardships?

Kodaka: I did. That was my first time dealing with a full cancellation. Also, to enable to Too Kyo to continue its work, to partner up with a new publisher, etc, we couldn't continue the development in the direction we were before. We needed to restart on our semi-complete project, and that's already painful labor in itself.

In terms of creative workload, I can't say I was much busier than I was in the Danganronpa V3 days, having to work in the game and the anime at the same time, but in this situation, aside from my directing, writing, and screen composition duties, I'm also Too Kyo Games's president and producer, meaning I have more work outside my craftsmanship... Making the game and managing the funds at the same time would have given most people a mental breakdown (laughs).

It was mentally and financially taxing, but I don't think I'll ever get another opportunity to pour this level of effort into making a game happen. Putting my life on the line was a very valuable experience.

You mean to say you can feel Too Kyo Games's entire soul in the game? On another note, I couldn't find any of the characters from the concept art in the new key visual or the screenshots. Does the restart mean that those characters got shelved?

Kodaka: The game's general concept is still the same, but to put a new, clean start on it, we changed a few things completely. One of them being the character designs. But despite their changed appearances, they maintain the characterization of their predecessors, so you'll see characters similar to what those would have been.

However, the old politician you see in the upper left corner won't be in the game (laughs). He's a character Komatsuzaki made up on the spot for this illustration, so I know as much about who he is as you do. He's doomed to disappear shrouded in mystery.

(laughs) By the way, considering how The Hundred Line is "the tale of extreme x despair", I'm curious about how this keyword "despair" relates to Danganronpa.

Kodaka: The tagline "tale of extreme x despair" is to signify that this is the first game Uchikoshi and I are directing together. It has nothing to do with Danganronpa, but it is a game made leveraging all of my previous experiences. With that plus Komatsuzaki's and Takada's involvement, I consider it a spiritual successor to Danganronpa.

Who from the main Too Kyo Games roster is working in this and what are their roles?

Kodaka: Uchikoshi and I are splitting the directing and writing work, Komatsuzaki is on the character design, Shimadrill is doing the enemy design and the backgrounds, and Takada is in charge of the soundtrack. Also, Uchikoshi and I do screen composition for the scenes we write.

I didn't think I'd have to do the screen composition job here myself, but I'm the best at handling Komatsuzaki's art and Takada's music, so that job is dumped on me. I got a lot of material to work with. Maybe more expression options than Yuma had in Rain Code.

The Danganronpa series also had me personally choosing faces and soundtrack one by one, so I hope the fans of that series enjoy the familiar vibes in the visual novel sections.

The new announcement came with a key visual. Are these characters in uniforms going to be the main cast?

Kodaka: Yes. They're the students of Last Defense Academy and are living in the school for unknown reasons. The students have special powers called Hemoanimas. They normally have their own sets of clothes, but upon activating their Hemoanima, they change into this uniform and fight against their enemies.

Is the white character a mascot?

Kodaka: Yes. He's the squad coordinator character. So his name is just SIREI, from shireikan; commander. By the way, SIREI is the reincarnation of the raccoon illustrated in the key visual. Both forms of this character were designed by Komatsuzaki. I pointed him in a general direction I wanted but overall let him do whatever he wanted. Meanwhile, the students followed the usual process going through a lot of back-and-forth until their completion.

In Danganronpa, their designs reflected their Super High School Level talents. Does The Hundred Line have any kind of keyword or characterization element that informed their designs in the same way the Super High School Level talents did?

Kodaka: Each student masters a different Unique Subject and has a different weapon of choice. That's what their designs mainly reflect. I'll talk more about Unique Subjects and weapons of choice later.

I'm looking forward to the update. Next question. Danganronpa and Rain Code had all-star casts of voice actors. I have expectations for The Hundred Line's cast.

Kodaka: Unfortunately, I can't reveal the actors at the moment, but I will say half of them have performed in previous Kodaka or Uchikoshi game and the other half is people we're both meeting for the first time. But look forward to it, it's going to be as all-star as any previous game. I know the released PV is voiced by the protagonist, but who is voicing him is still confidential.

Will the creatures depicted flying above the main characters be enemies?

Kodaka: Correct. The enemies are unknown entities attacking the school. They're called School Invaders. If you take a really close look at the key visual, you may notice the academy is protected by a pink flame. That's called the Unextinguishable Flame and that's what prevents the School Invaders from attacking 24/7.

When the School Invaders get past the Unextinguishable Flame, the students will need to repel them. The students aren't informed about the academy's or the unextinguishable flame's secrets, nor they know why the School Invaders are attacking. The story progresses as they fight School Invaders day by day unaware of their circumstances.

Do you have anything noteworthy to say about your interactions with Shimadrill regarding his work designing the enemies?

Kodaka: My priority for the character design of the weaker School Invaders was that they had venomous pop aesthetics. At my first discussion with Shimadrill, we arrived at the idea of making their designs intentionally similar to the monsters of a famous game franchise, but we changed plans along the way. Ultimately, we got likable enemies with that pop aesthetic.

Playing aggressively even on the designs, huh? That's the Too Kyo Games I know.

Kodaka: We changed our aim because copying designs was a really bad idea we took too far. Our mindset at the time is that, true to Too Kyo's name, we wanted to make a game that was indeed too crazy. Too Kyo Games is a company that prides itself on its writing, designs, and music.

However, compliance is a lot more important nowadays, so there's a lot more we need to keep in mind. We were defanged by the corporate structure of our partner for the cancelled version of the game. Depictions of violence and dirty jokes that were acceptable in our previous works weren't fine with them. We had to be on our best behavior to adhere to their compliance demands.

Now that I got to remake the game as something else, I can see that not releasing it on its previous state was for the best. Because I couldn't express my strengths in full there.

The Hundred Line was my first collaborative work with Uchikoshi and our first original IP. Making a game that's simply good wouldn't be enough. There'd be no point in starting this over if we couldn't go all-out. We developed The Hundred Line determined to make a game someone with good sense couldn't make. A title to be considered a product of deranged minds. In the sense, we were very lucky to land on a partnership with Aniplex.

Tell me more about what do you mean by "lucky" here.

Kodaka: To leverage the strengths of Too Kyo Games, we're writing a very controversial narrative. Aniplex is being thankfully quite flexible with what we're allowed to depict, as they understand our fortes and respect our vision. For that reason, Uchikoshi and I were able to depict the crazy story we wanted to.

Kodaka, in a previous interview, you expressed determination toward making this game a story that make people question your sanity. A game people wouldn't expect to be possible to make. Would you say managed to fulfill this ambition?

Kodaka: I can't comment about the gimmick without getting into spoilers, so I have no plans to reveal the answer to this before the game's release. Playing the game for yourself should be enough to convey Too Kyo Games's outlandishness. I believe my reason to pair up with Uchikoshi will be equally evident, and it'll be easy to make sense of why this game needed multiple writers and recruiting new hires.

I know perfectly well this is a tasteless request, but can you drop a hint?

Kodaka: Fine, I'll tell you some details after the interview. You're allowed to address what I'll say in your opinion post (laughs).

I appreciate the gesture, but let's see if I'm up for the challenge (laughs)

Tell us what the general gameplay loop is like.

Kodaka: The Hundred Line follows a cycle of 3 parts: a visual novel section, an exploration section, and a simulation RPG section. I already explained at the opener that it's a game where you survive 100 days of combat, but that doesn't mean time will pass uneventfully.

Like in Danganronpa, something will happen each day, and you'll get chances to talk with your schoolmates and deepen your relationships. You'll get Free Time, you'll get training sessions to increase your stats, and you'll be able to get other power ups by sharpening your weapons. The goal in the visual novel and exploration sections is to enjoy life with your schoolmates while also preparing for the enemies that can appear at any moment.

Got it. Now explain the simulation RPG section too, please.

Kodaka: The simulation RPG section has tower defense elements. It's not just about defeating the enemies, you also have to fight defending the school. Also, since the School Invaders come in large flocks, the main gimmick here is that you need to fight on multiple grids of the board at the same time instead of taking it one grid at a time.

Our developer, Media Vision, has a lot of experience in simulation RPGs. We'll disclose more details about the gameplay later, but I'm glad they were able to come up with and implement hype combat ideas (such as unique traits and ultimate moves for each character) in a way that can satisfy the fans of the genre.

You mean to say the simulation RPG sections are going to be solid?

Kodaka: Correct. That said, a lot of people who buy my games are casual gamers, so I always put emphasis on ease of play.

Then first-time simulation RPG players will have nothing to worry about.

Kodaka: Another point of interest is Takada's soundtrack. I requested the battle BGM to have the intensity of an action game. It's inspired by technical rock bands from the 90s, mainly The Chemical Brothers and Boom Boom Satellites. The visual novel sections, on the other hand, have a more sci-fi-adjacent OST to match its strong sci-fi aesthetics.

Tell us a release date and the consoles.

Kodaka: Early 2025, Switch and Steam.

Less than a year before release. Do you think the team can make it?

Kodaka: We're still working on it, but I think we won't have to delay the release. To be honest, The Hundred Line is progressing faster than Rain Code was (laughs). Besides, Too Kyo Games can't afford to delay a game our creators are staking their lives on.

Messages to players and readers usually often saying things like "We're doing our best" or "Cheer for us", but for this title, I can't bring myself to be so casual about it. I feel like I'm issuing a challenge to the players here.

I have a marketing strategy to draw attention to the game, and I'm polishing it to make anyone who buys it say it's a good game, so I'm feeling more of a "Just watch me!" or a "Wait until you see this thing released!" for a closing message.

Giant Kuroda's editorial comment

As outlandish as promised.

That's the interviewer's honest impression on what Kodaka told me about The Hundred Line's gimmick. I [Giant Kuroda] have been the Famitsu interviewer in charge of Danganronpa since Danganronpa 2. I interviewed him pre-release for a game launched in 2012, which means I've been talking to Kodaka for at least 12 years.

Kodaka and his art surprised me many times. In a good way.

Danganronpa 2's final boss. Danganronpa V3's first case culprit, finale, and the secret hidden in the title. Danganronpa 3 simultaneous broadcast of Side:Future and Side:Despair. Rain Code's first case...

The list could go on forever, but The Hundred Line's gimmick is more impactful than of those. I can't deliver a final judgement until I play the game for myself, but depending on what the game has to offer, it could be his uncontested best. That's how much potential I felt in that spoiler. I get the point of staking their lives on it now.

Also, in what's rare for a Kodaka title, the game will be allowed to be streamed relatively far into the story despite earlier spoilers (information subject to change). Kodaka's story-heavy games are a double-edged sword. It's possible for players to feel like they experienced enough by simply watching a Let's Play that spoils all the twists. However, I believe this game actually benefits from unrestricted streaming. But I can't say why. It's a spoiler...

At any rate, this game is Kodaka's and Uchikoshi's first collaborative story, and as Kodaka said, its narrative is a product of deranged minds. I wait with bated breath to the day I can finally play it, and also look forward to reading opinion posts about it online. You can get your hopes up, Kodaka and Uchikoshi fans.

[galaxy-fleur]

Hi, do u think Leon is an affectionate dad, or not?

Mm, depends on which timeframe of Leon's life we're talking here! The simple answer is: yes, he's a huge people's person as he is, and that will definitely translate into his relationships with his loved ones. But outside factors and his overall mental state do play a big part into his way of interacting with them.

DI Leon and onwards is a massive affectionate goofball with his loved ones, obviously that very much includes his kid, too. He's that type of dad that embarasses his kids with lots of kisses, sappy nicknames (despite them being grown) and terrible dad jokes. I'd say that's him at his best and his most natural. He's playful, he's loving, and he's not afraid to show that off. He's the definition of a doting dad, basically. Even if he can't always be around for one reason or another. He's at a place in life where he's relatively at peace with his circumstances and just wants to make the best of what he has.

Damnation and RE6 era Leon's are a bit more reserved than that, but still soft and immensely loving. Not as playful as him at his DI era, but still more than capable of cracking a pun or two. This Leon is a dad that's not perfect, as sometimes he can be pretty distant, or say something that comes out wrong in a moment of frustration or hurt, but he sure tries his absolute best. And he does make his love for his kid known. Long, crushing hugs after his assignments, expensive gifts that are actually meaningful because he goes through the effort of listening to his kid when they talk to him about their life or interests, hurrying across the State to get to their big moments in school on time, even if he's late, panting and sweating buckets. He's not perfect, but he doesn't need to be. He makes mistakes and messes up, but it's hard to be upset with him when it's obvious that he's doing the best he can.

ID Leon, on the other hand, is complicated. Caring yet firm and distant in his affections. He tries his hardest to be the best dad he can be, but he struggles with being genuine. It's not because he doesn't care. The opposite. The last thing he wants is to taint his kid's life with his work and all the ugliness that comes with it. But because he tries so hard to keep them guarded from it, he can't help but keep his distance from them for their own sake. Because this darkness and ugliness is a part of him. He can't deny it or run from it. But he sure tries his hardest to do so. Much like he does with Claire, he will go against them in order to keep them safe. He won't argue, nor will he raise his voice, ever. Just silent acceptance for what must be done, at least in his own head. In a way, that would be even more frustrating for the child involved. Especially when their dad is so obviously hurting - both physically and mentally - but refuses to let them in. It all comes from a deep place of love, though. Not apathy. Even if it's not exactly healthy.

And Vendetta Leon, well... He has a lot of issues. I don't think he'd get angry or cold with his kid, no. He loves them way too much to do that. But he is so very disappointed in himself. In his helplessness, in his failures, in his life. How can he be a father his precious baby deserves when he seemingly can't save a single person? He is disgusted and ashamed with himself. And those feelings of self-hatred only worsen when he's drunk. Which is ironic, considering that he drinks to escape those very same feelings. He's too ashamed to see them. But I could also see him breaking down in front of his kid, too. Venting and laying it all bare with no expenses spared. It's not healthy on his part. He shouldn't be burdening a kid with something like this. But he's just too lost to try and fight it. It's not that Vendetta Leon isn't affectionate with his child. It's that he feels like he doesn't deserve to indulge in that affection. So, he closes himself off instead, denying himself what he truly wants and needs.

[curiosity-killed]

curio's chaotic guide to corralling brain squirrels ✨for Capitalism✨

obligatory disclaimer: my only qualifications are having lived with Cocaine Squirrels In My Brain for my entire life and getting the fun experience of people regularly telling me "you can't have adhd, you're too organized/successful/put together" meanwhile i am regularly held captive by my brain zooming through deep dives on cicada facts at 1 AM on a work night

first off, the general overarching bits:

Come in at 70%. I tell this to literally everyone and am stealing it from my sister, but basically—don't come into your job at 100%. That 100% will be taken for granted by you and your coworkers and become the expectation, meaning when you have a day where the brain is holding you hostage or you're tired or hungover or for whatever other reason can only give 50%, it will be a crisis. Come in at 70%, so 50% isn't a huge deal and you can whip out the 100% for some special sparkle times.

Embrace the good bits. look, lbr. cocaine squirrels are not a great time, generally speaking, in a corporate 9-to-5 space. BUT sometimes there are perks. for instance, I am the person you want in a (corporate) emergency because the right pressure (and coffee and high BPM music) makes the squirrels band together and pull some damn good shit off in crunch time. whatever quirk you feel you can leverage, do it.

okay now more squirrel-corralling thoughts (am I doing this instead of my actual job? obviously.)

build a system of systems

okay i know if I say anything about a planner or to-do list, I will be shot on sight but. well. this is about planners and to do lists

I am a chronically aspirational planner user. I love the concept of planners. love to have such a tidy and organized way of going about life. And I can use planners—for about 1-3 months at a time, max.

what I've found works best for me is to have kind of a rotation of task tracking systems: sometimes my planner*, sometimes sticky notes plastered across my desk/wall, sometimes color-coded to do lists in an actual notebook, sometimes color-coded to do lists in my dry erase notebook, sometimes notes on my computer.

I don't think it super matters what you use so much as it matters to have things in place that you can swap to when your brain stops liking the one you're using

*this isn't an ad but I rlly like the Rocketbook planner specifically because it doesn't have a timeframe, so you don't have to worry about "wasting" it during the months you're not using it. just wipe it down and start fresh whenever it's back to being useful

agree to slightly more than you should (but watch out!)

if i have a normal workload, the effort it takes to make myself Do The Thing goes up by about 50% with a negative relationship to the quantity of work. ergo I am best off if I am just slightly overutilized—if I have about 9 hours of work to do rather than 8. That doesn't mean I always work a 9 hour day (because the squirrels and I fucking hate that) but it means there's just a little additional pressure to help make it easier for my brain to, y'know, execute.

THAT SAID, it is really easy to fuck this up. don't be like me and wind up basically doing an entire contract solo (that was supposed to be a 9-person team)!!! it's bad!

mostly i think this is trial and error, so figuring out the right balance for yourself will take getting it wrong some of the time.

the squirrels crave that novelty

this is also related to the first point, but I've found I get more done if I let myself bounce between projects/tasks more than probably makes sense to people who aren't possessed by manic rodents in their brain.

I try to break down tasks in a way that lets me cross something off (dopamine! or. something??) and lets me skip over to something different/novel as a break (e.g., today I need to copy edit a bunch, draft some appendices for a different project, and create an autopopulating tab for an internal project—so I copy edited one whole section, skipped over to the appendices to get a first pass down, hopped back to the next section of copy editing, and then switched to the internal project).

too much of this can feel like playing pinball with your brain, but giving myself the option to switch out into something different helps keep me from getting into the Dreaded Tedium Stage of things

flexibility and structure

this is going to depend some on your work structure, but use what flexibility you can. My work offers a flex schedule, meaning I can take a four hour break in the day as long as I make those hours up somewhere else. I don't. necessarily recommend?? taking a 4 hour break BUT sometimes the squirrels unionize and demand I vacuum the living room, and trying to ignore it and work will be infinitely slower and more exhausting than if I just get up and vacuum and then get back to work. other times, the squirrels stage a sit-in protest and i am stuck scrolling tumblr aimlessly or re-reading fanfic for no reason and then at 8 PM they decide they actually are willing to do The One Goddamn Task i absolutely must do.

it sucks and I genuinely really hate this part of ADHD, but the best option I've found is to sometimes let them win in the moment and come back to the challenge/ask at a better time (for instance, my energy/focus tends to be worst in the afternoon and much better in the evening, so it's easier for me to get something done in the evening than fighting squirrels all afternoon).

...and on the flipside, where you can impose some self-made structure, it can also help get the squirrels in line. calendar holds (i.e., putting an event on your calendar that's just for a task/project and turning on do not disturb for notifications) can help with this if you're able to stick with them (ime this is a skill that has to be built and practiced), organizing things by 'must do' vs 'quick wins' can help, etc. as with everything, it's a process, but finding a balance between where you can flex and where you can lean on structure to help you along has been beneficial to me

anyway idk if any of this is new or helpful but my personal squirrels have been sated and i do. unfortunately. actually need to work now kbye