#I walked for 20 mins but couldn’t make it all the way out where I needed to be bc it’s like wind chill 5° outside

[cahootings]

I’m so stupid. but I am also free

[strawberrychampayne]

you can't be this oblivious

bradley bradshaw x fem!reader

warnings: none except like one swear word lol.

word count: 1026

summary: oblivious!bradley x affectionate!reader!! reader is super affectionate to everyone but it is different with bradley. She’s sweet to everyone but she isn’t sitting at a table for 30 mins and letting just anyone rant about their day, unless they are rooster.

Y/N Y/L/N, aka Magnet was just that. A Magnet. 

“And then they had me doing pushups because I made a snarky comment according to them.”

Bradley Bradshaw better known as Rooster was someone you would consider a best friend. Though Phoenix would argue he’d be more than that if he wasn’t so oblivious. 

“I mean what did you expect Roo? I would’ve had you doing the same thing.” she giggled into her glass. 

They had been at the Hard Deck for around two hours now, coming right after they got off. It felt like a ritual at this point. Work, Hard Deck, go home and then repeat. There were a million other things they could all do and yet they always came here. Maybe it was the atmosphere that cheered them up after a long day. Or the beer.

What she hadn’t expected was sitting at a table for the last 30 minutes with Rooster ranting about the trouble he’d gotten in earlier, she didn’t mind that though. She could listen to him talk forever. There were very few times that Rooster felt comfortable enough to share things so anytime he did, she took it seriously. 

“You wouldn’t even think to punish me Mag, we both know that.” Rooster replied with a smirk playing on his lips. 

She often thought of what it would be like to kiss him. Would his lips be soft and plushy or more rough like he pretended to be. She liked to believe it would be the first option. She’d never get to really know though as it seemed he never reciprocated the feelings she was putting out. 

“You don’t know what I would do, Rooster. I could make you do 20 pushups right now.” she said

“And I would do them.” he said, a twinkle in his eye or maybe it was the lighting. 

She gasped quietly hoping he didn’t hear. Flirty Rooster only came out after a couple of drinks. She had heard the phrase that drunk words are sober thoughts. Never really believing it though, he never had so much to drink he couldn’t remember saying something so eye raising to his supposed best friend. 

“The worst thing about all this extra work is I feel like I have no time to eat something good. It’s always some fries from here and a couple beers” he continued, brushing past his previous statement. 

Coming back to her senses she spoke quickly, “We could go out together. I mean all I do is drink a couple of beers here.”

She felt him tense up. Preparing for the worst she thought of a way to recover.

“You are truly my best friend. I mean nobody else would’ve offered to do something like that.” Rooster spoke up before she could backtrack. 

Her heart cracked slightly. Best Friend. Who knew two words could hurt so much. Glancing to her right she could see Hangman and Phoenix cringing at the sight. Warmth flooded her body as she began to stand up. 

“Hey where are you going?” he questioned following her up. 

“Yeah um, my head is starting to hurt so I think I’m just going to head home. I’ll see you tomorrow Bradley.” she said as she turned to walk away.

Bradley? She only called him by his first name when she was upset or poking fun at him. 

“Well at least let me take you home? I mean I brought you here.” he rushed out.

“No. It’s fine I’ll call an uber.” she pushed past a few people and walked out the door. 

Shoulders slumping Rooster glanced out the window at the woman. Phone in hand she was true to her word in calling an uber. He felt a pang in his heart watching her. Had he done something wrong? 

A hand clapped against his shoulder. He could smell the cologne and know who it was before even turning his head. 

“Well that was a shit show. I mean come on, Rooster, you can’t be this oblivious.” Hangman said with a cocky smile. 

Shrugging his hand off Rooster turned his head; the muscles in his jaw contracting, “What do you mean, Hangman? Oblivious to what?”

Hangman laughed at him, “You’re meaning to tell me that you haven’t realized that Magnet has been flirting with you ever since she met you? I mean she practically asked you on a date a few minutes ago.” 

Was that a ringing in his ears? Y/N flirting with him? Bradley felt like his head was going to combust where he stood. 

“And there's the look of realization. You really must’ve been oblivious.” Hangman added. 

“I think you’ve gotten this all mixed up. I mean Y/N is close and affectionate with everyone. She leans her head on your shoulder, gossips with Phoenix, and is constantly fixing Bob's glasses. And with me she just leans up against me, compliments me and listens to me rant and she-” Rooster took a pause. “Oh.”

“Yeah, oh. I mean Rooster, Y/N is an affectionate person for sure. But she has never once listened to one of my rants and she’s the only one who'll listen to yours.” Hangman said, an almost serious look on his face. 

“I just watched my future wife walk out that door after asking me on a date.” Bradley said.

“Well hold on nobody said she was-” Hangman started before Rooster talked over him.

“No Hangman, trust me I know. That is going to be my wife. As long as I haven’t ruined everything.” Rooster said, confidence in his voice. 

“Well then I guess you should go get your wife to be.” Hangman said, a small smile on his lips. 

“Yeah I’ve got to go.” Rooster took off out of the bar and to his car. 

“I cannot believe it took him that long to realize that.” Phoenix said, walking up besides Hangman. 

“He’s a little oblivious but we got there. Hope he has a gorgeous ring to propose with. Claims that’s his wife to be” Hangman replied. 

“I don’t doubt that.” Phoenix remarked quietly, watching Rooster peel out of the parking lot.

let me know if anyone wants a part 2!

part 2:

!!!please don't repost my work anywhere, translate, or bind my works anywhere without permission!!!

[yeontaescumslut]

BATHROOM STALL ㅤㅤㅤ୧ ˳ ≛ ۫ ⌒ ⭑⭒

Pairing: Taehyun x Yeonjun x Reader

Genre: non - idol au, smut

Synopsis: beomgyu drags you to a party where ur f Genre: non - idol au, smut avorite boys are attending, things get steamy in the bathroom….they’re both there.

Warnings: Pet names, threesome, possessiveness, Public sex, oral sex, name calling

Word count: 1732

Authors note: Just a little something I did for fun i hope you enjoy! If enough request I’ll post pt2!

It was a normal Friday night for you, sitting at home reading your new Manga you picked up on your way home earlier that day. You had expected to lay in bed all night until you get a text from your best friend.

20 mins was definitely not enough time to get ready for the club, so you did your best to look as presentable as possible…especially since Taehyun would be there…you had always had a crush on him ever since you laid eyes upon him. That was 4 years ago, he was your best friends bandmate, but Taehyun wasn’t the only one of your best friends bandmatees you had eyes on. Yeonjun had always caught your eye, he was so unreal, his hair was as soft as cotton and his eyes stared so deep into your soul you couldn’t help but buckle at the knees every time he looked at you.

As you’re getting ready for the club you’re thinking about what would look best to Taehyun and Yeonjun, so you put on your shortest skirt and smallest top, you put your hair into a slick ponytail, with smoky makeup and your sexiest heels.

20 mins fly by and you receive the “I’m here” text from Beomgyu. You walk outside and see him in your driveway in his Range Rover. You hop in the front seat, buckle up and set your purse in the back seat. Beomgyu looks at you up and down “you look hot wow” he says. “Thank you Beom” you playfully roll your eyes at him and giggle. “Are the other boys already there?” You ask. “Yeah they got there a while ago.” Beomgyu says. About 5 minutes later you pull up to the

Valet of the club, Beomgyu gives his keys to the valet driver and walks around to open your door and help you out of the very tall car.

This club was extremely nice, nicer than you could afford, you’re lucky you’re here in the first place - your best friend was paying for everything. You and Beomgyu make your way into the club and spot the rest of the members standing at the bar ordering drinks, just as you walk up you can already tell Yeonjun is basically eye fucking you. He can’t keep his eyes off of you. You feel an arm wrap around you, you turn around to see Taehyun, he’s asking if you want a drink. You agree getting a coke and rum. “Naaah that’s not what we’re doing” Taehyun says “Get her a shot.”

Taehyun orders you and him a shot of vodka, the liquor he knows gets you the most drunk, as you and taehyun are taking your shots you can feel a stare coming from your peripherals. You slightly turn your head to get a glimpse. You see Yeonjun standing at the table behind you staring at you with jealousy in his eyes. You take advantage of this and start flirting with taehyun more, putting your arm around him, laughing at his jokes, pinching his cheeks, caressing his arms, anything you can to make Yeonjun even more jealous. As you’re laughing with taehyun you feel someone grab your arm and pull you away from the bar. You turn around to see Yeonjun dragging you to the dance floor - at this point you’re tipsy enough to not care so you just start dancing with him - more so grinding on him than dancing but he doesn’t mind. His hands are wrapped around your waist guiding your ass to meet with his hips. You both continue to dance for a few more songs when you get pulled away once again, at this point you have had more than too many drinks and didn’t care who you were dancing with at this point. You look up and it’s Taehyun who had drug you away from Yeonjun you start dancing on him like you did with Yeonjun, Taehyuns hands feeling every inch of your body as you throw your ass on him to the club music. Taehyun was biting his bottom lip as his hands were on your ass at this point. You reach your arms behind you and grab onto his neck- his hands wrap around to your stomach as you dance to the music some more.

Taehyun whispers in your ear “I’ll be right back kitten” you were too drunk to process what he just said to you so you kept dancing without a care in the world. A few minutes passed of you dancing alone when Taehyun finds you, grabs your hand and leads you away from the dance floor. “W-w- where are we going hyunie” you say in very slurred drunken speech. “Shhh you’ll see, trust me”. And that you do, you trusted Taehyun with your life. He’s leading you through the crowd of people dancing and talking and you follow his lead.

You’re following him blindly, when all of the sudden he leads you into a room…the bathroom. As soon as you enter the door you notice another figure in the bathroom. It was Yeonjun, leaning against the wall, arms crossed, he looks at you with lustfull eyes. Taehyun locks the door behind you. “Taehyun what are you doing?” You ask a little shocked. “I told you to trust me kitten..didn’t I” “Now be a good girl for Yeonjun”

Yeonjun walks over to you, “You think you could wear this slutty little outfit out in public and expect not to get fucked” You are now flush against the bathroom door, yeonjuns knee is now pressing into your heat. His arms above your head on the door, his face is inches away from yours, he’s looking at you with those same eyes…they look almost predatory, like he hunted his prey and is about to devour it. He removes his hand from the door and grabs you by the chin making you look him directly in the eyes. “Is this not what you wanted princess, didn’t you dress like this on purpose. To get us excited” You have nothing to say, you just gulp, loud enough for both boys to hear. “Tell me you want me. Now.” “I know you do pretty girl”

“I want you Yeonjun” At this point Yeonjun is rubbing his knee at your heat. You’re basically grinding his thighs and you don’t even realize it. You’re soaking wet. “We haven’t even started with you yet and you’re this wet princess” He says as his lips curl into a devilish smile.

You want to kiss him so bad, his plump velvet lips staring you right in the face. You bite your lower lip to try to contain the lewd sounds coming from your throat, but Yeonjun already noticed. He brings his thumb from your cheek to your bottom lip and gently slides his thumb across your lips, then slipping his thumb into your mouth. You let out a whimper as you see Yeonjun bite his lower lip, he slides his thumb in and out of your mouth leaving trails of saliva running down your chin.

“That’s a good girl, suck my thumb just like that”

“You like that huh”

“You’re such a slut, you want me and Taehyun one isn’t good enough for you is it”

Yeonjun signals to Taehyun to come over, you’re still pressed against the door, You’re too dizzy from Yeonjun finger fucking your mouth you can’t even tell what they’re talking about. Then you feel Yeonjun remove his fingers from your mouth leaving a trail of saliva. Just as you start to catch your breath Taehyun picks you up holding you by your ass which is completely out at this point, he sits you on the bathroom sink and stares you in the eyes

“Does the little kitten want me to kiss her?”

All you can think is how this is what you’ve dreamed about ever since you met him yet in this moment you can’t seem to form any words, you just nod at him.

“I’ll take that as a yes”

He grabs a handful of your hair from the back and pulls you closer to him, his lips finally meet yours, he doesn’t hesitate to make it rough and wet, your tongues are wrestling eachother slipping in and out of eachothers mouths. His hand reaches down inside of your top to play with your boobs, going from groping them one second to squeezing your nipples the next. You’re letting out whimpers and moans in the middle of sloppy kisses. His hand travels from your boobs to lifting up your skirt to play with your panty covered clit.

Taehyun picks you back up moving you from the bathroom sink to the wall, he has your back to the wall, still leaving sloppy kisses all over your mouth and neck. He stops for a moment and looks over at Yeonjun and gives him a signal. With your back pressed against the wall in Taehyuns arms Yeonjun comes underneath, he’s leaving messy wet kisses on your inner thighs, he then moves your panties to the side with one finger and licks your heat, gentle but meticulous knowing exactly what spots to hit, as he’s licking you feel a single digit at the entrance, Yeonjun slides his finger in your heat and pumps in and out.

Taehyun won’t let you get a word out, you can only hear your moans through the sloppy wet kisses from you and Taehyun. As Yeonjun is playing with your cunt taehyun starts to nibble at your earlobe and whispers…

“You like being our little slut don’t you”

“You want us to fuck you however we want right”

“Tell me you want my dick In you”

“Say it kitty”

“I want your dick in me tae” you moan so loud Taehyun has to put his fingers in your mouth to shut you up. Yeonjun finishs eating you out, Taehyun Carries you back over to the sink. He sits you on the sink. Pushes your skirt up, and spreads your legs.

Authors note pt.2 PLS GIVE FEEDBACK IT WOULD BE VERY APPRECIATED!!

[wooataes]

Real Eyes, Fake Lies (Part Two)

Pairing: soulmate!Lee Jihoon x Fem!Reader

Word Count: 4k

Warnings: angst, Hanahaki!AU, mentions of death, mild suggestion of self-harm but nothing happens, swearing, lots of crying and feelings , lots of plot this chapter.

Summary: What do you do when you find out the one person that was created by the universe to be yours doesn’t want you back?

A/N: Thank you all so much for all the love on part one! I do apologize at how long it’s taken for this one to come out, it’s been a hectic last few weeks with Svt’s anniversary and my birthday 🥰 I hope you all enjoy and please feel free to send me an ask to talk about the fic if you’d like! - Tae 💜✨

Previous | Next | Masterlist

Jihoon’s ears hadn’t stopped ringing since he left your place 30 minutes ago, and although his home is only a 5 minute walk from yours, he couldn’t find it in himself to go home just yet. He had paced around the block twice and walked to a nearby park to sit under a tree and let his thoughts marinate. His stomach was in knots, hands shaky, and he couldn’t stop the tears from falling down his cheeks. To make himself feel better, he believed that this was because of your overwhelming emotions, not his. The weather was in his favor, the rain hiding the fact that he was crying openly in public. He had let his eyes wander at the new world around him as he gathered his thoughts in an attempt to remember the simple colour theory he learnt as a child. The grass was green, the sky was blue, the roses were red. His mind was sent into overdrive, still being unwillingly attacked with your heavy heart and heaving sobs rising up his body, but he knew he just had to bear it.

Jihoon was knocked out of his thoughts when his phone vibrated for the upteenth time. He sighs out of pure frustration as he looks at the screen, wincing internally as he reads through the barrage of texts from Soonyoung and one of his 3 housemates, Wonwoo.

Wonwoo🎮: yo where you at? min and soonyoung are here, we’re gonna do a game night.

Wonwoo🎮: soon said you were walking y/n home? I’ll save you a spot in the next round of Uno.

Soonyoung 🐯: hey, is everything okay? y/n shot me a text and said she left early. where are you?

Soonyoung🐯: you were supposed to be back at yours 20 minutes ago?? wons is getting worried.

Soonyoung🐯: okay if you don’t answer me in 5 minutes I’m coming to look for you.

Wonwoo 🎮: where are you, jihoon?

Prettyy/n✨ wants to send you a message.

Jihoon feels his heart jump at your Instagram request, and swipes away all of his texts to check the request. Oh god, what if you’ve outed him? What if you’re going to go on a plot of revenge to get back at him for breaking your heart by telling everyone that he’s your soulmate? What if-

Prettyy/n✨: nothing happened. you didn’t walk me home, you didn’t even meet up with me at the working bee. I texted you and told you that I had to leave early and I ran into my soulmate on the way home but they wanted nothing to do with me. you and ji-ah are safe, I won’t tell anyone. I promise. if soonyoung pesters you, tell him you didn’t even see me today. your relationship is safe, nothing will be spilled, just like you want. bye, jihoon.

Prettyy/n✨: and please stop feeling bad. it’s making me feel sick.

After breathing a sigh of relief, Jihoon simply likes the message sent by you to acknowledge that he’s seen it and silently thanks you in his head and starts to wipe his slowing tears. He frowns slightly when he feels his stomach twist again, but he chooses to ignore it. He can put this whole thing behind him now and focus on his relationship with Ji-ah, soulmates be damned. Should he feel bad for breaking your heart? Absolutely. And don’t get him wrong, he does, but you can get over it now and grow from it. Now you both are blessed with a world of colour, you can both benefit from it, he thinks to himself.

“Where the hell have you been?!” Soonyoung is on Jihoon as he steps into his house, shaking off his jacket and placing it on the coat rack by the front door.

“You know I like the rain, Soonyoung,” Jihoon lies easily, shaking his wet hair over him to get him to back off successfully. “Why are you even here, anyway?”

“Minnie had to work on a theatre assignment with Jun, so I thought I’d hang with you and the lovebirds while they worked.” He smiles as Jihoon looks down the hall to see the lovebirds in question, Wonwoo and Mingyu, sitting by the coffee table in the living room setting up playing cards. Jun and Seokmin are at the dining room table in an intense brainstorm session, writing down their ideas onto a book placed in the middle of the table.

“Sorry for not warning you I’d be back late, Wonwoo.” Jihoon calls out as he walks into the living room, standing close to the fireplace to warm himself up from the cold rain. The house looks weird now he can see what it looks like in technicolour, he thinks.

Wonwoo simply waves him off as Mingyu stays comfortably nestled against his soulmate's side. Jihoon eyes them for a moment before Seokmin and Jun make their way into the living room, talking about a well deserved break from their 20 minutes of brainstorming.

“Hi again, hyung!” Seokmin waves with a smile, settling down on the couch beside Jun comfortably. “Are you going to play this round?”

Just as Jihoon is about to respond, Soonyoung’s phone starts to ring.

“You start the round without me, it’s Cheollie hyung.” He smiles and Jihoon feels his stomach drop instantly. Oh, fuck. Soonyoung presses the phone to his ear with a cheery “hyung~” as he steps out of the room, his voice trailing into the front room as he walks.

“Actually, you guys start without me too,” Jihoon stammers out, suddenly feeling sick. “I need to go shower and warm up so I don’t get…”

He trails off as he watches Seokmin’s face begin to change, a look of fear covering his features. His gaze follows where his soulmate has walked off to, and he starts to rise from his spot on the couch. “Something’s wrong.”

“What’s wrong?” Mingyu asks quietly.

Jihoon feels a sense of dread wash over him as Soonyoung steps back into the room, immediately rushing to collect his backpack.

“Darling, what’s happened?” Seokmin is at his side in a flash, Soonyoung’s breathing increasing rapidly.

“I-I don’t know. Cheol just said th-that something’s happened to Y/N,” he throws his backpack over his shoulder. Jihoon winces, holding his stomach as the overwhelming urge to cry comes back to him in full force. “I gotta go to her.”

“I’ll come with you!”

Soonyoung is quick to take his soulmate’s hands in his own. “It’s okay babe, you need to study with Jun anyway. Cheol said she’s really overwhelmed right now and he thinks only I can help.”

“I hate that you’re right,” Seokmin whined, giving him a quick peck on the lips. “Text me when you find out what’s happened?”

“Of course. Sorry, guys, I’ll join next time.” He waves quickly before rushing out the door and running in the direction of your home.

“Oh god, I hope she’s okay.” Seokmin sighs as he slumps on the couch, Mingyu now sitting up beside him.

“What do you think has happened?” He asked quietly.

“Honestly?” Seokmin frowns to himself. “I don’t know. I haven’t felt Soonie feel that worried before in a long time. The last time he was that bad was when he couldn’t find Y/N on the 3 year anniversary of her mother’s passing.”

“Passing?” Jihoon looks at him. “How did she pass?”

“She never really told us much…” he sighed. “All she would say is that when she was eleven, her father got caught by Seungcheol cheating on their mother with another woman and he just upped and left. According to Cheol, their mother fell apart, she was in love with him for over 20 years, how could you not?… and on top of that, she got Hanahaki.”

A soft gasp from Jun was the only thing that could be heard in the hushed room, Jihoon’s teeth sinking into his bottom lip. He only thought Hanahaki was a myth, a silly story told by people to scare them into loving their soulmates.

“That’s why Soonie’s family took them in.. their mother only lasted 3 months after he left them. Y/N was the one who found her. Cheol said she didn’t sleep for days, and whenever she did, it was only for a few hours at a time. She had recurring nightmares that he and Soonie would help her through.”

“Poor girl. I guess that’s why Soonyoung has always been so protective of her.” Wonwoo mumbled thoughtfully, hand slipping into Mingyu’s and squeezing.

“She literally loved that man so much and he just threw it all back in their faces and legitimately killed his soulmate.” Seokmin grumbled, staring at the table in front of him. “And he didn’t even want Cheol or Y/N after everything. He’s a selfish bastard.” He hissed. “Fucking coward. That’s where Y/N went on the third year of her passing. She left to go to her fathers house to tear him a new one. Fucker deserved it, too. I don’t really know what happened, but all Soonyoung tells me is that he had a new family. She never tried to look for him again after that.”

Jihoon sinks quietly to the floor by the fire, hugging his knees. All he feels is shame, and now, dare he says it, worry for you. He really fucked this up, and it only had just begun.

A gentle knock sounds through your bedroom as you laid your head back against the wall tiredly. It had been an hour since you discovered the migraine of the brightly coloured world around you, and you still sat in the dark corner of your bedroom, albeit more quieter now than the last time Cheol had checked on you. You had stopped crying half an hour ago, now only feeling numb inside. When you insisted to your brother that you were fine and wanted to be alone, he had respected your wishes and left only after giving you a hard hug, and the promise that he’d be with you in a heartbeat whenever you called.

“What?” You mumble, eyes closed.

“It’s me.” You hear the door close behind Soonyoung, his footsteps drawing closer.

“What do you want.” You keep your eyes shut, knowing you’d fall apart if you saw your best friend in front of you. “Why aren’t you with Seokmin?”

“Bug…” he ignores your question, your body almost recoiling back in shock as his warm palms gently rest over your wrists, turning them over for a moment, seemingly checking you for anything abnormal before placing your hands gently into your lap. “Please look at me?” Soonyoung’s hand softly reaches up to cradle your cheek. You shake your head quickly, feeling the tears well up behind your eyelids.

“You should be with your soulmate, S-Soon.” You stutter, hands reaching up to rub over your eyes aggressively. “W-why are you even here?”

“Bug, what happened?” His thumb swipes over a stray tear that slipped down your cheek. Your eyes finally open to be face to face with your worried best friend, his big brown eyes filled with worry.

You hiccup, take a heavy breath, and open your mouth. Soonyoung waits patiently, still holding your cheek. As you attempt to speak, all that leaves your lips is a hard sob before your arms snake around his waist, your face burying into his shoulder. His hand reaches up to run through your hair, the other rubbing soothing circles up and down your back.

“Oh, Bug..” he sighs, squeezing you to his chest. “You’re okay, I’ve got you.”

“You shouldn’t.” You whimper, the shoulder of Soonyoung’s shirt growing damp. “You should be with M-Min.”

“But then no one would be here for you, silly.” He cooed, brushing your hair through his fingers delicately.

“Exactly.”

“Don’t be silly.” Soonyoung tries to lift the mood, jostling you in his arms slightly. “Until you get your soulmate, you are stuck with me.” You only sob harder, gripping his sweater tightly as he slowly stops his movements, his mind slowly catching up. “… Bug? Did you…”

“They didn’t want me, Soon.” You whimper, squeezing him closer.

“I swear, I’ll kill whatever fucker who did this.” Soonyoung had left your room after letting you cry in his arms for two hours, eventually letting the exhaustion finally catch up with you and drift you off into a dreamless sleep. He was now pacing in the kitchen, anger growing inside him.

“I’m right behind you.” Seungcheol growled, sitting at the dining table with his chin resting against the top of his intertwined hands. His leg was shaking under the table, watching his friend pace in front of him.

“How the fuck could they do that to her?” He barked, hitting his fist on the breakfast bar. “All the girl has ever wanted was to be loved, and the one fucker who was literally made to be that person to love her doesn’t want her?!”

“Did she tell you who it was?” Jeonghan asked quietly as his hand gently rubbed circles into his soulmate’s back. He could feel Cheol’s anger bubbling inside him more and more as the time went on.

“No. She’s protecting them. I don’t know why. Fucker doesn’t deserve to be protected.” Soonyoung grumbled.

“Being angry isn’t going to solve anything, babe.” Seokmin sighed, leaning against the bar. “All we can do is be there for her and support her.”

“What if she gets..-”

“She won’t.” Seungcheol rises quickly from his seat. “We won’t let it happen. It only happens if she’s in love, she’s nowhere near that stage yet.”

It’s late in the middle of the night and no matter how hard he tried, Jihoon just couldn’t get to sleep. The pain in his stomach had finally settled for a few hours, and he concluded that Soonyoung had caught up to you, calmed you down and helped you finally fall asleep. Seokmin’s words about your life kept repeating in his head and ate at his mind until he finally couldn’t take it anymore, reaching for his phone and wincing at the brightness as he opened up his search bar.

“What is Hanahaki?”

What? He frowns deeply to himself, as if trying to reason with his soul. Whether I like it or not, she is going to be a part of my life. I might as well learn now.

“Hanahaki is a disease contracted due to an unrequited romantic love. It is manifested in the form of flowers, which root themselves against the victim’s lungs that cause them to cough up petals and in some extreme cases, whole flowers.”

Jihoon’s thumb slowly scrolled through the information page, coming to a stop at a subheading.

“What is the Cause of Hanahaki?”

“The main cause of Hanahaki is when a victim’s soulmate does not reciprocate the romantic feelings harbored for them.”

“Is There a Cure?”

“In extreme cases there is a possibility that the victim is eligible for surgery to remove the blockage in the lung. The consequence to removal is the victim losing all feelings and memories in regards to their soulmate, and to never be able to feel romantic love ever again. As cases recorded show the victim’s refusal to lose their love, most cases result in death.”

That’s why her mother passed. Jihoon frowns to himself. If she had the surgery, she would have lost all memories of her kids.

He should be safe. You’re not in love with him. You have always known of Jihoon but never have had to spend time with him. You’re not gonna die from this. Who knows? Maybe Jihoon could find a way to get you two to be friends. He has known of some soulmates who keep their relationship platonic and it working out. He could try in a few weeks to press the idea to you.

A tightness builds in his chest, confusing running through his head. It’s - Jihoon checks the time on his phone - 3 in the morning, what is going-

He hiccups and feels tears start filling his eyes. In a matter of seconds, he’s feeling the urge to once again start sobbing and seek comfort.

This is going to be a long night.

Jihoon grows concerned when it has been over a week and he hasn’t seen you around campus. He keeps a subconscious eye out for you in common areas where you’re known to be with Seokmin or Soonyoung, but he only ever finds the two soulmates together. Soonyoung has been more withdrawn, Jihoon notices, but whenever asked by Wonwoo or Jun in passing, Soonyoung just waves them off. Jihoon wouldn’t tell anyone he knows the real reason.

Over the course of the week, like clockwork, Jihoon gets woken up in the middle of the night to pains in his chest and wet cheeks. It doesn’t take him long to figure out that you’re making sure he is asleep before you let out all your pent up emotions, which makes him feel even worse.

Ji-ah doesn’t notice anything wrong with her boyfriend, or if she does, she doesn’t say. She spends every lunch break at Jihoon’s table they share with Wonwoo, Mingyu, Jun and Jun’s classmate from dance class, Chan. Jihoon puts up a good front when with Ji-ah. He can’t walk on eggshells around her or she will get suspicious and he can’t lose her for a girl he barely knows. He smiles with his arm draped over his girlfriend’s shoulder, eating a mouthful of rice when he almost chokes on his food as he sees you walk into the cafeteria for the first time in over a week.

Soonyoung and Seokmin are on either side of you, talking animatedly about something that Jihoon can’t quite hear. He frowns when he takes a good look at you. You look paler than normal; even with his new perspective with colour he can tell you shouldn’t be this white. You have bags under your eyes and your hair is pulled back in a high ponytail atop your head, a pink ribbon tying it together. His eyes follow where you’re looking to see theater majors Boo Seungkwan and Yoo Jeongyeon at a table two spaces down from them.

“Finally!!” Seungkwan grins excitedly as he jumps up from the table, meeting you halfway as he pulls you in for a tight hug. “I’ve been dying without you in class. There’s only so much Lee Seokmin you can tolerate.” He whines as you let out a soft laugh.

“Imagine living with him.” You giggle as Seokmin responds with a ‘Yah!’ and a swat to your arm.

“Are you feeling better?” Seungkwan leads you to sit down beside him, Soonyoung flanking your other side and Seokmin joining Jeongyeon. “You still look pretty pale, Bug.”

“Ah, I’m getting there.” You feigned a laugh, waving him off as Jeongyeon reaches across the table and takes your hands in hers.

“I’m so glad you’re back.” She cooed. “A week is too long to be ill. I’ll hurt whoever gave you the flu and make sure they never do it again.” She smiled.

“I missed you too, Jeongs.” You smiled as you glanced at Seungkwan. “Fill me in on what’s happened in class. Have I missed much?”

Jihoon forces himself to stop listening then, shaking his head slightly before trying to tune back into the conversation his table was having, which currently was a discussion between Wonwoo and Chan over a certain video game that was just released.

“Okay, so, I’ve got some dress ideas I’m going to get made for Formal and I need a girl’s opinion.” Jeongyeon grinned, passing her iPad over to you.

You take the iPad and look over the 3 options of dresses with scribbles and annotations all over them as Seungkwan waves his chopsticks.

“Yah! I told you the style of number 2 would look SO good on you! Why do you need someone else’s opinion?”

“I don’t trust your judgment.” She glares as Seungkwan gasps and smacks his chest.

“Oh heaven forbid I can’t give a good opinion!” He whines as Soonyoung covers his mouth with a low chuckle, clearly not wanting to be involved in the bickering.

“I think the red suits you best.” You speak quietly. “The blue clashes with your skin tone too much and the dark green looks too wedding-y.”

You’re met with a prolonged silence from the table as you come face to face with your two classmates staring at you as if you’ve grown a second head.

“What?” You deadpanned.

“Are you telling me..” Jeongyeon whispered.

“It happened?” Seungkwan gasped.

“Mm.” You mumble, pushing the iPad across the table. “It’s not a big deal.”

“UMM?” Jeongyeon balked. “Not a big deal?! You’ve only been dreaming about this day for the last 20 years of your life!” She squealed, taking your hands tightly. “I’m so happy for you!”

The commotion at the table draws the attention of Jihoon’s housemates, who turn to look over at you, who is now sinking down in your seat, Soonyoung’s hand pressing on your back.

“What’s happened?” Mingyu called over.

“Y/N can see colours!” Jeongyeon responds excitedly.

Jihoon’s stomach drops, and he knows that it wasn't you this time. His knee starts to bounce slightly as he keeps an eye on you, the others at his table getting up to congratulate you.

“It really isn’t a big deal, guys.” You mumble.

“Are you kidding? This is amazing news!” Seungkwan cheered, Mingyu joining him.

“We know how much you’ve wanted this, Bug!” Mingyu smiles, ruffling your hair. “Tell us everything!”

“There’s nothing to tell.” You look away, reaching to take a bite of your sandwich.

“What?” Jeongyeon frowned, trying to get in your line of sight. “What’s gotten into you? I thought you’d be excited about this..”

“I would’ve been excited if they wanted me back.”

“Oh.. Bug, I’m-”

“Yeah, so forgive me if I’m not happy about being rejected by my soulmate.” You hiss bitterly, feeling the sting of tears burning your eyes.

“Oh the poor thing.” Ji-ah whispers to her boyfriend, eyebrows furrowed. She leans her head against his shoulder, and Jihoon just watches on.

“So what?” Seungkwan’s question shocked the others as you looked back at him in surprise.

“Huh?”

“So your soulmate doesn’t want you.” Seungkwan takes your hand in his. “You don’t need them now to see the beauty around you. You have us, don’t you?” He nudges your side. “And you have been blessed with seeing all of the world with new eyes.”

“He’s right, Bug.” Seokmin urged, smiling at you.

“I don’t see how this is supposed to help me, Boo. You haven’t even found your soulmate yet, so you wouldn’t know…”

“That’s irrelevant, Bug. We aren’t talking about me, we’re talking about you.” Seungkwan smiled and draped his body over yours dramatically. “Here, let’s change the subject, okay? You’ve been able to see colour for a while now, right?”

“Uh.. right..” you mumble.

“So, you have to have a favourite colour by now, right?”

“Oh..” Your lips purse slightly as you look up at the ceiling. “I never… I never really thought about it before.”

“Well, think about it now!” He chirped as he watched carefully for your thoughts.

“Uhh… well, there is one colour that I’ve been drawn to.. but you’re gonna laugh at me.”

“No we won’t, Bug.” Soonyoung soothes, smiling sweetly at you. “C’mon, tell us.”

“Well.. it’s brown.”

“Brown?” Jeongyeon frowns and tilts her head as you nod in confirmation. “What about something like pink?”

“It was the first colour I ever saw.”

Jihoon winced. He knew what was coming next, and he didn’t want to hear it.

“It was the colour of their eyes.”

Taglist

@cinnamoroxie @enhacolor @mikachu-chu @jojowantstocry @changbinisms @scarlet789 @i-dont-give-a-fok @im-gemmy @shookyungsoo @ametheyistheart

[btsqualityy]

BTS Dating Series #14: First Time You See Him Perform

Members x Reader

Genre/Rate: 18+, fluff

Summary: Your first time seeing your boyfriend do what he does the best.

Warnings: None to note.

Kim Seokjin

“You sit here, Jagi,” Jin murmured as he led you over to a chair that was set up on the side of the Music Bank stage and waited until you had sat down on it before he squatted down in front of you. “You sure you’re gonna be ok here?”

“Jin, stop worrying,” you giggled as you reached out and mushed his cheeks, laughing harder when he spluttered and shook his head back and forth rapidly. “I’m the one that wanted to come and watch your music show taping, remember?”

“I know but the day can get kind of long sometimes so I just wanted to be sure,” he explained.

“I’m good, promise,” you assured him before leaning forward and pressing a quick kiss to his lips. “Go do your thing.”

“Alright,” Jin nodded before standing up straight and walking over to join the other members as they made their way on stage. Once they were in their places, “Just One Day” began to play and you smiled as they began to sing. You found yourself bopping your head along to the beat and mouthing the fanchant along with the ARMYs in the crowd.

Once Jin’s part came in the bridge, you couldn’t help but to giggle as Jin held out the rose and winked towards the camera. Throughout your relationship with Jin, it often felt like he loved to torture you by being the most charismatic man on Earth but watching him on stage, you realized that he only felt comfortable enough to show off in front of ARMYs, his members, and now you as well. That thought made you smile to yourself and before you knew it, the song had ended and the members thanked the ARMYs that came to watch before filing off stage.

“What did you think?” Jin asked after making his way over to you.

“Perfect,” you praised him. “Absolutely perfect.”

Min Yoongi

“He didn’t tell me that they were doing this song,” you muttered to yourself from your spot standing backstage when the beginning of your favorite song, Tomorrow, started to play. The group was in Tokyo, performing at the Dome stadium and you were more than happy to come along with Yoongi when he invited you to come watch. 

When it got to Yoongi’s rapping part, you found yourself falling silent as he began to recite the lyrics. The song always resonated with you, the reality of “adulting” having hit you hard once you got into your 20s. You appreciated how honest Yoongi and the rest of the members were about what it was like being a young adult attempting to figure out your spaces in life, which is why Tomorrow had easily become one of their favorite songs of yours. 

“Like breaker,” you shouted out the lyrics, bobbing your head along as the performance went off without a hitch. Once they finished, it was time for a costume change and just as he had with the previous two costume changes, Yoongi spent his talking to you. 

“You didn’t tell me Tomorrow was on the set list,” you mentioned and Yoongi shrugged with a smug smile on his face.

“Didn’t feel the need to,” he replied and you just rolled your eyes playfully before leaning over and pressing a kiss to his lips. 

“Thanks,” you said, already having a good hunch that he had purposefully included the song for just you.

“You’re welcome,” Yoongi smiled softly. 

Kim Namjoon

“ARMYs, how you feeling out there?!” Namjoon shouted into the microphone, receiving a wave of almost deafening screams in response. The group was on tour and were currently stopped in London, where the show had been going perfectly. You were standing backstage, watching with a large smile as your boyfriend commanded the stage for his solo song. 

“As many of you know, this is the part where I do my solo song Trivia: Love,” Namjoon began. “And I thought I’d give you guys a little background on the song. I always thought of myself as a person who would have a hard time giving and receiving love in a romantic relationship but that all changed about seven months ago. I met someone and she’s here tonight.” The crowd cheered loudly and you felt your cheeks heat up from being put on the spot. 

“I’m not entirely sure where she is right now because I haven’t seen her since before the concert started,” Namjoon chuckled. “But Y/N-ah, you’ve given me a love that I thought was only possible in books and movies. You’ve changed me for the better and I feel so lucky to have you in my life. This song is for you, literally and metaphorically. Here’s Trivia: Love!”

Throughout the whole song, you couldn’t keep the smile off your face as the lyrics Namjoon had written took on a whole new meaning for you. By the time Namjoon had come backstage to change after his solo and the next medley with the rest of the members, you were a teary eyed mess. 

“Was that ok?” Namjoon asked as he cupped your face in his hands. “I know I didn’t talk to you before hand but it just felt right in the moment and I-”

“Joon, it was absolutely perfect,” you assured him, nodding your head up and down rapidly. “And I love you too.” 

Jung Hoseok

“You sure you’ll be ok out here in the crowd by yourself?” Hobi wondered and you nodded your head. The two of you were at the All Force One festival, where Hobi and Yoongi were getting ready to join Namjoon on stage as his special guests. 

“Stop worrying Mom, I’m good,” you teased, making him roll his eyes. 

“Sue me for being concerned about you,” he grumbled. “If you need to take a breather though, our manager is right by the stage. I already asked him to look out for you.”

“I will, I promise,” you nodded. “Now, go.” After pressing a quick kiss to your cheek, Hobi disappeared into the crowd and you passed the time of the intermission by sipping on your drink. Namjoon came back on stage and after talking a little bit, Cypher pt. 2 started and Hobi and Yoongi came out on stage. The crowd went wild and you had to admit, you were a little taken aback by how excited everyone was. You and Hobi had known each other for almost two years by this point and had been dating for around six months, but this was the first time you saw Hobi in his element. 

He was so confident, even though he hadn’t been rapping as long as Namjoon and Yoongi had, and you couldn’t take your eyes off of him. Not that you were trying though, because he was fantastic. 

Once the show ended, you pushed your way through the crowd and ended up making your way backstage where Hobi was talking to Namjoon and Yoongi. 

“You did so good!” You squealed as you bounded over and hugged him tightly. 

“I guess your first show surpassed your expectations then, huh?” Hobi chuckled. 

“You have no idea,” you smiled. 

Park Jimin

You wrapped your arms around yourself, attempting (and failing) to stay warm in the cold December air in New York. You were in the heart of Times’ Square on New Years’ Eve, waiting to watch Bangtan perform for a New Years’ Eve special.

“You doing ok, baby?” Jimin checked with you and you nodded your head even though you could feel your toes getting cold. 

“I’m good. Excited to finally see you perform live,” you smiled. 

“I’ll try to do well for you,” Jimin told you before pressing a soft kiss to your cheek. Just then, one of the managers called out to him so Jimin walked over to join the group and you bounced in place to try to get your blood flowing.

“Now, here with their songs ‘Make It Right’ and their smash hit single ‘Boy With Luv’, here’s BTS!” Ryan Seacrest announced and the crowd went wild as Bangtan stepped onto the stage. After doing a little snippet of Make It Right, they quickly moved into Boy With Luv and you found yourself automatically singing along to the words. Jimin was doing an amazing job, the dance moves flowing effortlessly through his body as he sung beautifully. 

Towards the last chorus, Jimin moved into his position in the center but somehow, his jacket that he was wearing ended up getting stuck on top of his head. Instead of panicking, he went with it, making funny faces at his members which caused them to laugh as well. He ended up fixing it and the song ended, to thunderous applause from the ARMYs in the crowd. 

“You did so good!” You praised as you met Jimin as he walked off stage and he just sighed heavily.

“I messed up with my jacket,” he pouted. 

“Hey, you still sounded great,” you assured him. “And it was so freaking cute.”

“You think?”

“Absolutely,” you stated firmly, making him smile before he kissed you passionately. 

Kim Taehyung

You stood behind the large camera that was placed on the television set, watching with a smile as Bangtan performed their latest title track for a London-based television show. Taehyung had invited you along to watch and you couldn’t help but to be in awe of how grand the production was. 

You hadn’t really seen Taehyung perform with the full group before and now that you were, you couldn’t help but to kick yourself for dragging your feet on it so long. Taehyung was amazing, his movements subtle and strong and that gorgeous, velvet voice of his had you in an almost trance-like state. 

“And let’s give it up for BTS!” The host said once the song ended and you clapped as softly as you could (since you were right behind the camera) as the members took a bow. After the light that showed the camera was rolling went off, the group stepped down off of the stage and began to make their way backstage. Taehyung instantly paced over to you, wrapping his arm around your waist as the two of you started to walk together. 

“You did amazing Tae,” you gushed. “I was literally in shock and awe.”

“Really?” Taehyung chuckled. “You can tell me the truth, you know? You don’t have to flatter me.”

“I wouldn’t lie,” you giggled. “Honestly, I loved it.”

“Well, I love you and I think that’s more important,” he cooed, leaning over and brushing his nose against the side of your head.

“You’re gross,” you huffed, even though your heart warmed from his words. 

Jeon Jungkook

“You ready for this?”

“Yes.”

“Are you sure?”

“Jungkook,” you laughed. “I’m just going to watch the show from backstage. You’re acting like I’m the one about to perform for thousands of people and not you.”

“Hey, I just wanna make sure you’re ready for all the talent you’re about to see up there,” Jungkook smirked, making you roll your eyes playfully. You were on tour with Bangtan and this show in Berlin was going to be the first time you saw Jungkook live on stage. 

“You just worry about getting up there and doing good,” you told him as you cupped his face before pressing a firm kiss to his lips. “Yeah?”

“Yeah,” he nodded before kissing you again. Just then, the members got the notice that it was almost time for them to go up on stage so after a third and final kiss, Jungkook pulled away from you and went to get into his position. You moved over to watch the show from a screen and you saw the lights on the stage come on after the end of the VCR. 

The music came on and the stage began to lift into the air, the sounds of the cheering from ARMYs almost becoming deafening. Once the stage lifted, Jungkook opened his mouth and began to sing the first lines of the song. You mouth dropped open slightly as you literally watched him transform from the boyfriend you saw all the time in your apartment to the Golden Maknae. 

“Holy shit,” you gasped, a smile spreading onto your face as you watched him come alive. 

..............................................................

Tag List:  @addictedtohobi @brittneymccray @cursedcursives @arata18nanami @leftieaquarius @devilsbooksworld @starmyy @werewolfbanshee-love @li-moonchild-il @kpop-servant @cheysjimin

[9in-gavin]

Lugging heavy soda packs, restocking, breaking down boxes, sweeping, etc) And on top of that filming a bunch (which is arguably exhausting, at least we made it so) And now I haven’t touched d&d in a year, I haven’t seen the therapy dogs basically at all (the time i did it was for an assignment and the person was a no show, so I spent the time with the dogs.

I only go on walks when I need to meditate, I haven’t worn jeans since October, and the time I did it was only for 20 mins)

I’d build castles for my cats, I’d do so much

I don’t do that stuff anymore I’m pretty much bed ridden and try to get home as fast as possible, if I’m out, I take care to spend my energy because I know I don’t have much anymore

And I’m only wearing jeans and a belt now because I haven’t done my laundry in weeks, and the acceptable pants for this weather i’ve worn out

I don’t have coffee anymore, I stay away from caffeine as much as possible because it makes my heart have a freak out and I have to lay down with my legs propped up in the dark with minimal stimulation so my heart will slow down

If I go up two flights of stairs I have to sit down.

I used to play with my cats often, nearly every day, now I only do about once a week and not for long either. I should get laser pointer batteries really, because it’s hard to stand for too long

I used to do dishes and take out garbages unprompted too. I used to go on cleaning sprees

And taking showers 3 times a week, and at one point I was taking showers every day. Now I take one once a week.

I’m immune to regular pain killers. I don’t remember what it feels like not to be in pain. Doctors get suspicious of me because I’m young, why would someone so young be in so much pain? They don’t need it.

I wear splints to bed every night; and sometimes in the morning for awhile if I move my hand in a weird way. I hug a pillow as I sleep too to keep my clavicle up, and then have a blanket under me to hold up my spine, sometimes I put a blanket between my legs to keep my knees from touching

And I keep quiet in public, try not to let it show. It’s inappropriate to moan or sigh in pain for more than 2 seconds in public

It’s inappropriate to say I can’t move a chair because I risk wearing splints afterwards.

It’s inappropriate to refuse to move / stand up for an assignment.

It’s inappropriate to lay on the floor.

It’s inappropriate to stay after class to rest before getting up to the next class. I had to slam my legs into the floor repeatedly to numb them last year because my teacher “needed me out” I couldn’t walk otherwise.

Even if I explicitly explain to people THEY SEE THAT AS INAPPROPRIATE

people argue with me when I refuse to do things, saying that “it’s a small task, just do it quick.” Fuck you???? Let me give you my body for a day see how you feel about that “small task”

Ableism is crazy “I’m in pain. If I do that task I will hurt more.”

“What?”

“I can’t do what you told me because it will hurt me”

“Why are you talking back to me?!”

“What…?”

“You spoiled brat.”

“WHAT????”

2

“I am physically incapable of doing that without collapsing”

“What?”

“I can’t do that without collapsing in pain and/or exhaustion”

“Stop being hysterical!!”

“What…?”

I used my mom’s wheelchair once And it felt so weird not being in as much pain while still moving around that when I got off I was overstimulated So basically I’m to the point where if I’m in pain I feel terrible but if I’m not I also feel terrible

At least I got my migraines down But that was after I vomited and writhed in pain all night begging my family for it to stop that I got sent to the hospital and they gave me a “migraine cocktail” So now I use the pills from that Weekly

[thehopelessromanticclub]

A DATE IN THE ER?

Pairing : Jeon Jungkook x reader

Genre : fluff, established relationship, domestic au

Word count : 1.3k

Summary : You have a date at the roller skating park with him teaching you how to skate. But what wasn’t the part of the plan was, you ending up in the ER

Author’s note : I actually got the inspiration to write this from a prompt from @love-me-a-good-prompt. Pls do check out their account. They have grt writing prompts.

Y/N’s POV

”Do you wanna go roller skate?” As badly as I wanted to say YES, I couldn’t. Why? Because I don’t know how to roller skate. As simple as that. I always wanted to learn how to roller skate. But I never really had the chance to actually go and learn. Or maybe I did. Except for the part where I spent the entire lesson just sitting in the corner because I was afraid of falling. I know, I know life is all about falling and getting up. But A PAIN IN THE BUTT!!! that too for a week!? Nah!!! Not a huge fan. It was like that one Buy 1 Get 1 Free offer that no one ever wanted to avail.

But guess what did I say….

“Yeah, sure. Why not?” Well, what else do you expect me to do when he’s asking me with those lethal puppy eyes. They have the power to melt the coldest heart, let alone me.

so here I was, on my way to skating rink with a human-in-a-bunny-form boyfriend beside me hopping on his two hind legs unable to contain his excitement, narrating all those scenarios where, if I happened to fall, he’ll come to my rescue, and how we can stare at each other and fall in love all over again. As romantic as that sounds, I couldn’t beat the fear in my heart of falling and embarrassing myself in front of him. Author’s POV “Jungkook-ah, do we really have to do this?” You begged tugging on his oversized denim jacket. “Is something wrong?” He diverted all his attention towards you.

“I think I’m having a heart attack!” You stated clutching the right side of your chest adamant on gaining his sympathy and getting out of this place.

“As far as I remember my anatomy class, heart is towards the left side of the chest, and yes, we are doing roller skating.” He said placing your hand on the left side of your chest earning a glare from you. He is one stubborn boss baby. Once he has his mind set to something, he’s gonna do it no matter what.

“Come, let me help you with your laces. I don’t want you falling. I mean I don’t mind you falling for me tho.” He winks at you with a flirty smile lingering on his lips earning an eye roll from you. This boy, he never missed the opportunity to flirt with you. You almost believed that he has dual personality. At times he is all shy and red, and sometimes he is so cocky that he makes you a blushing mess. But that’s why you fell for him in the first place.

He was a mess. A chaotic mess. A happy mess. An emotional mess. A beautiful mess. That’s one thing you knew for sure.

“Come let’s go to the skating rink while there’s still less people.” He guides you to the skating rink hand in hand. Another thing you loved about him. He always made sure you were cared for and loved for. His hand never left yours. They always somehow made their way towards each other. Gravitating towards each other. Happily and married.

Time skip

“Y/N, can you stop sticking your butt out?”

“Fine, I’m trying okay?

It’s not like I was born a pro at it.”

“I know, but you look like a new born who’s learning how to walk.” He giggled trying his best to hold his laughter as he has been doing for the past 20 mins. “Yeah, whatever.”

“Okay, now let’s try roller skating without holding hands.” He stated, having enough confidence in your skills.

“No no no, don’t let go of my hands kookie.”

“I won’t. Ever. But trust me in this, okay?” He uttered giving your hands a squeeze before letting them go.

“Slow and steady. Each stride at a time. Okay?” He instructed watching each and every one of your step closely.

“I think I’ve got it…” you say, a victory smile making its way onto your face. Proud of what you’ve accomplished. Not a huge feat of course, but for you it was. You almost gave up on the whole idea of learning roller skating. Little did you know, all you had to do was ask your boyfriend out on a roller skating date!

“See, that’s my girl.”

your confidence grew in each stride you took, until it turned into overconfidence and next thing you know is reaching your hand out to grab Jungkook’s but they never met. Like that one forbidden love story, where the couple are destined to be together but their fates had a different say.

The last thing you remember is hitting your head on the railing and a worried Jungkook asking you to wake up.

You wanted to wake up, but your eyelids seemed to have a mind of their own. They felt so heavy. You wanted to sleep so bad. Just 1 min of sleep. Time skip

you struggle to open your eyes, due to the harsh lighting’s hitting on your face. And the throbbing sensation on your forehead wasn’t helping at all. And the smell of disinfectants tingling your sensory receptors was the cherry on top.

As soon as you open your eyes, you see white ceilings, white lights…everything’s white and a face. Jungkook’s face.

“Am I in heaven? Even the angels look like Jungkook.” Confusion was all around your face

“Hey Y/N!!! Are you okay? Are you in pain? Do you recognise me?” He bombards you with questions one after another.

“Jungkook? Am I in a hospital?”

“Yes, baby. Omg I was so worried.” He says slumping down on a chair, tears rolling out of his eyes one after another.

“Hey Kookie, it’s fine. Look at me, I’m totally fine, well of course except the bump on my forehead.”

“No you’re not. I’m such a terrible boyfriend. You told me not to take you to the rink in the first place and I still did. If only had I listened to you, this wouldn’t have happened!”

“No, come here.” You give him a hug.

“Look, I know at first I was hesitant to go there, guess what thanks to you I finally learned at least how to stride in wheels right? Something that I never could’ve achieved my whole life on my own. But thanks to my boyfriend, I did it. Even if I had the chance to start over this day all over again, I would still go down the same path. That’s for sure.”

“Really?” He finally looks up, his face all flushed due to sobbing.

“And not everyone gets to spend a date in the ER you know. That’s definitely something worth telling our children.” He blushes at the mention of your future together.

“Do you have any idea how worried i was when you hit your head. What if you forgot about me like they show in movies. Just the thought itself is terrifying.”

“Dumbo, it wasn’t that big of a fall. And even if by the slightest chance, I end up forgetting you, I’m sure I’ll fall in love with you again. For every lifetime.”

“Is this the part where we kiss?”

“I guess, it is.”

Just as you were about to lean in and kiss, you were interrupted by a resident on your case.

“Ms. Y/N, we are getting your discharge papers ready. I’ll prescribe you some pain meds and as for the bump on your forehead from the trauma, it will resolve on its own.”

“Thank you doc.” You both say to the resident.

“And yeah, one more thing, I would be really obliged if you love birds, could respect us singles here.” With that he left, leaving you and Jungkook foolishly laughing at how the entire date turned out.

[stargirl-mo]

Cam girl reader X Ghost part one <3

CW: Ghost x fem!reader, masturbation, swearing (and more sorry if I didn’t get them all 💋) MDNI 18+

You had quite a large fan base ranging in all genders but it was mostly male as we all presumed.

Your thick thighs supple and soft as they jiggled with the softest movements. Perky breast that seemed to wish for a mouth to suck them. And your ass goodness it was smooth, round and big littered with stretch marks. Your hips wide and perfect for grabbing. You were a fantasy that they wished to have. A dream girl come true a real doll they were willing to spend money on.

But it wasn’t all peaches and cream for you this was supposed to be a side hustle a little bit of change to support you through college, you even covered your face!

But as college began to beat your ass every which way the more the thoughts of “ do I really need college “ raced through your mind more .

Your first real thought to crush your childish dreams was when your first big tip came.

2,000 dollars from an old man who wanted a private call. Your first thought was this has to be a scam a fake. But as your shaking hand press that button you saw it was real .

The call lasted 30 mins and all he wanted to do was for you to rub your pretty clit and tell him you were his. After that call you took more and more and then soon realized that you had made the annual pay of a lawyer in a month time.

Your confidence grew more and more the more you slipped into your feminine energy you stopped covering your face with that flimsy skull mask and then your small fan base of 5,000 followers grew to millions overnight.

Gifts and compliments from all over offers for you to appear on other channels and preform acts with other bigger stars but you always declined nicely knowing your fandom really only liked when you soloed.

You never thought you would be a cam girl in your early 20s but yet here you are.

You finished one of your fan calls. You closed your hello kitty sticker covered laptop and took off the cat ears and tail butt plug that one of your fans loved so much. Your dildo was covered in your cream and your thighs were sticky you needed a shower badly.

You slowly got up as naked as you came in the world and got out of your little cave you made special for fan calls. It was a camping tent that you decorated with fairy lights and pink fabrics you had a soft plush white blankets and soft pillows and plushies. Giving it a soft and seductive feeling.

When you walked your legs felt like jelly and your arms hurt. But you still felt dissatisfied like you had more in you but you yourself couldn’t get it out. You didn’t want the thought to past through your head but it did.

You been single for about 5 years now no dick no nothing. All it has been is you and silicone. Your pussy ached for something hot and throbbing. You craved a hand choking you.

You craved something real you wanted to cry in pleasure and grip the sheets feel the sweat slide down your forehead touch a body as hot yours.

You craved a man .

You forgot what it was like to be manhandled thrown around to be ate like you were the last meal . To feel that squeeze in your chest and that euphoric haze.

You needed it bad almost as bad as you needed to breathe.

You first realized it when you were faking your orgasms you were usually able to make your self cum at least 10 times but it was getting to the point where you could cum if not once. Your fans started getting worried wondering if you were okay. And once that happened that fucked with your money who wants to watch a fake orgasm they could watch porn if they wanted that shit.

No they came to you not an actress an amateur something real something they wanted to bite their teeth in and see if it’s as soft as they imagine. They craved the intimacy that you provided a regular girl they could have that was the fantasy you could be theirs.

But you were spiraling trying to save face. You know what you craved deep down a man someone to fuck the living daylights out of you. You rubbed your head from thinking to hard and grabbed you silk robe and tied it around you curvy body. You stumbled to the shower turn on the hot water and just sat there and thought. The water cascaded down your body soothing you. You eventually washed up and scrubbed every inch of your body.

You hopped out slid into your hello kitty slippers you moisturized your body in shea butter and body cream and put on a pink lacy nightgown dress. You slid on your too big of a mattress fully showing how lonely you are. Your bed could easily fit about 4 people. But here you were alone horny and touch deprived.

You put on Netflix and put on a scary movie to try and get the idea of you still needing to bust the fattest nut out your mind but a notification popped up from your cam girl site.

NASTYDIANE SPECIAL 😩💗

One of my biggest fans has the chance to be nasty with me all you have to do is send a donation ( whatever is comfortable for you) a video of you saying why they’re my biggest fan.

Now I need a picture or video ( vids are my favorite 🥰) of yall busting yall fattest nut to me so I can see what I’m working with (be nasty yall) okay my nasties let’s see who’s the biggest freak of all this competition is a week long may the nastiest win 😩

This had to be a sign from the horny gods a fan pick. Wait this could be a taboo thing right this had to be something nobody really did. You were a huge fan of Diane she was the first one to coach you and get you settled in this life .

You went deep into her career and saw that this was a common thing for her you saw at least twenty different times she did this. Then you searched others and yes this was a thing you even saw couples happen from this and second occurrences.

And no one thought to tell you.

This solved all your problems you could pick a fan and not have to deal with other stars and upset them. You could feel the dick now stirring your insides up making you a creamy mess.

You copied the format of Diane’s flyer and boom it was off in the internet. You were scared though what if no one did it. What if you didn’t like anyone. Your head was starting to hurt again you needed sleep.

You fell into a dreamless sleep wanting this finally off your mind the anxiousness eating you alive.

You had no idea that a 6’5 blonde masked military man has been waiting for a taste.

Somewhere in a military base across the world…

A ping popped up on his phone alerting his favorite girl has made a new video. His dick already chubbier than before waiting in anticipation for release. It was weird tho it wasn’t in your schedule but he was happy anyway a day earlier to see your perfect body.

Imagine his surprise to see your announcement.

Hi my babies I’m making a fan contest🔊💗…

He didn’t even read the rest.

It was his time to have you nobody was getting in his way.

He will have you.

[celestiall0tus]

Amaranthine - Chapter 20 - Amaranthine

Beginning || Previous

            Luka stood with Juleka, Chloe, Zoe, and Alya near the building where the Diamond Dance was being hosted. They watched the rich and elite enter in mass until it dwindled to nothing.

            “The dance should be beginning soon, right?” Luka asked.

            “Yes. I discussed things with Min and Adonis will make his move when all have situated and are indulging in revelries. Meaning our window is open now,” Chloe answered.

            “And Psyche and Terra are ready?”

            Chloe nodded.

            “Then what are we waiting for? Suit up everyone. Moirai, cut the thread,” Zoe commanded.

            “Min, open my eyes,” Chloe said.

            “Trixx, shroud,” Alya whispered.

            “Sass, scales slither,” Juleka declared.

            “Mullo, get squeaky,” Luka announced.

            Everyone transformed. Luka and Juleka wore matching black corsets, leather jackets, pants, and knee-high boots with both their dyed hair a deep purple. Zoe was dressed in a gray tank top with her stomach exposed, leather jacket, gray ripped jeans, black boots, and a pair of black dove wings with her hair shortened and dyed black with white roots. Chloe had on a vintage white ruffled shirt, brown pants, and tan high-heeled boots with her hair tied back and had brown and tan dyed streaks. Alya was unchanged in her appearance.

            Atropa used his power and became imperceivable as he entered the building. He made his way through it into the ballroom. He glanced around until he saw Marinette and Adrien sitting at a table with Kagami sitting on Adrien’s other side. He moved into position as he saw the others move into their spots. He kept his eyes on Marinette but darted over to Adrien when he saw Adrien tense up. He didn’t break his gaze as mist rolled in.

            “Good evening, my esteemed colleagues! What a glorious night for a return to tradition, no?” Minerva announced.

            Atropa glanced over as Minerva strolled out in the middle of the floor. Everyone cleared away from her and whispered amongst themselves.

            Adrien stood and addressed Minerva. “Who are you? Why are you here disturbing our party?”

            “You don’t recognize me? I’m hurt, Adrien. We were once the best of friends, though that was before your parents died. Then you shut me out. You shut the world out.”

            Adrien tsked. “Enough. Remove yourself before I have you removed myself.”

            “What’s the matter, Adrien? Don’t you want our colleagues to hear what I have to say? Don’t you think they deserve to know they’ve walked into a trap?”

            Shocked gasps rippled through the crowd. Adrien snapped his fingers as Kagami rose and headed for Minerva.

            Minerva smiled. “Yes, try and stop me, Adonis! It’s finally over. We couldn’t stop you as Carmine and Midnight, but we will as Minerva and Atropos!”

            Atropos descended from the ceiling and landed in front of Adrien. “What’s up, motherfucker? I think I owe you for playing us all as fools!”

            Atropos grabbed Adrien’s arm and flung him to the other side of the room. He staggered to his feet as Atropa reappeared, flipped him off, and stole away Marinette.

            “No! I won’t let you take her! Nooroo, wings rise!”

            Adrien transformed into Adonis, sending the crowd into a frenzy. Atropa darted out of the room and out to the garden. He placed Marinette on a bench near a fountain as Psyche and Terra materialized.

            “Thank you, Atropa. We’ll take it from here,” Psyche said.

            Psyche and Terra worked on restoring Marinette’s body and soul. They made quick work as Marinette was fully human once again. Marinette sighed as a tear slid down her face.

            “Thank you. All of you,” Marinette whispered.

            Psyche opened her mouth when a draconic roar shattered the air. They glanced around as Longg materialized and tackled Marinette.

            “Dragonling! You’re alright!”

            “I am, and I’m back. Now, let’s kick some butt together.”

            Longg nodded and put her necklace on Marinette.

            “Longg, ascension.”

            Longg disappeared into the necklace as it flashed red. Marinette’s dress transformed into a black leotard with golden armor on her chest, neck, and hips. A red draconic tail cape lined with gold inside extended from the hip armor to her ankles. Black armored gloves and boots adorned her as red scales covered her thighs and upper arms. Her face covered with a golden dragon mask, four white horns jutted out from her head, and a pair of large red and gold dragon wings sprouted from her back.

            “Go get the would be god. Draw him out to nature so punishment may be delivered,” Marinette and Longg said together.

            Psyche and Terra nodded and vanished.

            “What are you going to do to him, uh-,” Atropa started.

            “Mordred. And he will receive his due punishment.”

            “But not just from us,” Marinette said.

            “What? What do you mean?” Longg demanded.

            “There is another that demanded the final blow. If we deliver it, I’ll die instead. She was clear on that front,” Marinette explained.

            Mordred glanced back at the fountain and nodded.

            “As is her right,” Longg stated.

            “Who’s right? I don’t understand,” Atropa said.

            “You’ll see soon. You all will,” Mordred whispered.

            Atropa tilted his head and wondered until Belladona, Atropos, Minerva, and Rena joined them. Not far behind them was Adonis. Mordred stepped forward and commanded the earth to rise. Vines sprouted and ensnared Adonis. They tossed and pummeled him before they grappled onto each of his limbs and his wings. He cried out in pain as he was slowly pulled apart.

            “Why isn’t he trying to change the vines?” Mordred asked.

            “You can thank me. He tried to change the partygoers inside, but I stopped him,” Atropos boasted.

            Mordred smirked. “Then, by all means, have at him, just don’t kill him.”

            The girls grinned and attacked Adonis. Atropa hung back and stood with Mordred as they watched the beating.

            “Are you ok with this? Letting them at him. Not that I’m saying you should be violent, but both of you and you’re ok?”

            “I didn’t lose as much as the others. Even after everything, I don’t hate him,” Marinette said.

            “Why’s that?” Atropa asked.

            “Because no matter what he did, it brought me to you. He’s a piece of shit, make no mistake, but I have my soulmate because of him. That makes this whole thing worth it.”

            Atropa smiled and hugged Mordred, then stepped back. “What about Longg though?”

            “He will get what’s coming to him. As is her right,” Longg answered.

            “Who’s right? You still haven’t answered that.”

            Mordred glanced at Adonis, then behind her at the fountain. “It’s long been your right. An ancient contract violated with punishment due. Is that not so, Lethe?”

            The water in the fountain gurgled and turned a washed-out murky color. Atropa stepped back as a hand shot out and grabbed the side of the fountain. His stomach churned as a woman with murky, knotted mess of hair with her skin covered in a white opaque film peeked over the rim. Her eyes darted from them over to Adonis and she smirked.

            “Bring him here,” Lethe ordered.

            Mordred snapped her fingers as the vines brought Adonis over to them. Lethe crawled out of the fountain and flopped on the ground. Mordred pursed her lips when Lethe summoned her weapon, a bident, and used it to stand.

            “Are you ok?” Atropa asked.

            “I’m fine, young mortal. Just forgetful. As is my nature. Now, let’s see here.”

            Lethe approached Adonis and inspected him. She nodded a few times before she stabbed her bident through his head, freezing him.

            “What are you doing?” Atropos asked.

            Lethe looked over at the others as they rejoined them.

            “Delivering punishment, as is due,” Lethe answered.

            “So, you’re going to kill him, right?” Belladona asked.

            Lethe tsked. “So narrow-minded, you mortals. But, yes, I am going to kill him.”

            “Then why does he still look alive?” Minerva retorted.

            Lethe smiled as she swung her bident up and tore into Adonis’s soul. They all watched as Adonis’s memories spilled out and lingered in the air. Lethe slammed her bident on the ground as the memories vanished into it. She spun her bident again before she jabbed his heart, then tore another wound in his soul. The memories that poured from his heart were all the previous lives to the very first. Mordred and Atropa gasped as those memories vanished into the bident. They all stepped back as she grabbed the brooch from his waist, returning him to normal and releasing Nooroo, who cowered before Lethe.

            “Lethe, please, I-!”

            Lethe held her bident in Nooroo’s face. “You knew what you were doing. I don’t care if it is your nature to usher in change, you don’t mess with the laws set by him. He may be gone, but the rest of us are still here and we will enforce his laws.”

            “Yup, got it. Understood completely.”

            “Good. Just in case, Plagg and Tikki want a word with you.”

            Nooroo tensed up as a pair of hands materialized and dragged Nooroo out of existence.

            “Good riddance. Psyche? Terra?”

            Psyche materialized while Terra ran in with an unconscious Kagami flung over his shoulder.

            “The deed is done?” Psyched asked.

            “Indeed. Return him to being human.”

            “We will. Thank you.”

            Lethe bowed her head and she turned to Mordred and Atropa. “You kept your word, as will I. You will never have to worry about this man in your next lives. Any bind and memory of it has been sent to the depths of my waters. A place only I or a fool would dare dive.”

            “Thank you, Lethe. For everything.”

            Lethe waved her hand dismissingly as she rolled back into the fountain waters and disappeared. The murkiness vanished as the water returned to its crystal blue.

            “So, it’s over, yeah?” Atropos asked.

            “Yes. Let’s tie up our loose ends. Kwamis, present yourselves to me.”

            Minerva, Belladona, Rena, Atropos, and Atropa all de-transformed as their kwamis approached Psyche. Mordred shook her head and stepped back.

            “You will not break what we have, Psyche,” Mordred warned.

            “Don’t worry, I won’t. You’ll haunt me if I do. As for the others, the choice is yours, as promised. You may remain soulbound to these mortals or I can release you. If you wish to stay, take your place at your soulbound’s side.”

            Trixx, Min, and Sass returned to their respective soulbound’s sides. Mullo and Moirai remained with Psyche. Psyche held out her hands for Mullo and Moirai, freeing them of their soulbound bonds. They bowed their heads and vanished along with their jewels.

            “With that done, what’ll happen to Adrien?” Chloe demanded.

            “You leave him to us. We’ll return his body and soul to being human. After that, I’m not sure. He has no memories, no identity. Where he goes once he’s human again, I cannot say,” Psyche said.

            “Would I be allowed to take him under my wing? Teach him and reclaim some semblance of his family’s legacy?” Chloe asked.

            “If you ask me, I say do as you wish. As for your fellow heroes, I cannot say. Well, I can, but let them speak.”

            “Do what you will, Chloe. I trust you,” Alya said.

            “We don’t care so long as you keep him away from us,” Mordred stated.

            “I second that,” Luka added.

            “I don’t care,” Juleka muttered.

            “Well, I mean, if he’s not the same Adrien, I say why not. But, uh, could I put in a request, Terra?” Zoe asked.

            “I don’t normally take requests, but I think I can make an exception. Sure, what would you like?”

            “Do you think you could keep Adrien, well, a big beefy snack? I mean, we need to keep some things under the radar, right? And it’ll be strange if he goes back to being a twig out of nowhere, yeah?”

            Chloe pinched the bridge her nose. “Zoe, you aren’t serious right now, are you?”

            “What? A little eye candy isn’t the worse thing. Besides, I know I’m right.”

            “For the wrong reasons,” Min pointed out.

            “Thank you. There’s no way-,” Chloe started.

            “Technically, Terra already made a deal without knowing the full terms, so he’s bound to fulfill it anyway. And I do agree that it would reduce suspicion around this. There will still be suspicion after that display, but we can mitigate the damages and better control the situation,” Min explained.

            “Very well. Drop Adrien off at Le Grand Paris once you are finished returning him to being human.”

            Psyche and Terra nodded as they vanished with Adrien and Kagami. Chloe transformed and headed off with Zoe. Mordred and Luka watched them leave as Alya and Juleka approached them.

            “So, anyone want to celebrate? Luka and Mari get to be together, no one is dying young, and we don’t have a crazy butterfly man terrorizing the city. I think that calls for drinks,” Alya commented.

            “Sorry, Alya. I do have to work in the morning. And pretty sure there’ll be a private concert put on tonight,” Juleka remarked.

            Alya smirked. “Oh, ho! The famous Luka does give private concerts. My, oh my, I wonder what the admission fee is for that.”

            “Quite cheap, actually. It just takes-,” Longg started.

            “Longg! Quiet! Don’t you start,” Marinette yelled.

            “I don’t see what the big deal is. Your bard doesn’t need much to stoke that fire to regale you with the songs of your heroism.”

            “Longg! Enough!”

            “Never! I am free! Never again will I be stuck in your head. Now the whole world will know what I have to say!”

            “As if the whole world didn’t already,” Alya commented.

            “Right! Anyway, I’m going to head home. With Luka. Bye,” Marinette said.

            Mordred scooped up Luka and flew back to Marinette’s herb shop. She landed in the back alley then de-transformed. Marinette leaned against Luka while Longg pranced into the shop.

            “You ok?” Luka asked.

            “Yeah, just glad that everything is over. We’re finally free. No more early deaths. No more jealous Adonis. Just you and me,” Marinette whispered.

            “And me!” Longg called.

            Marinette sighed. “And Longg.”

            “I’m glad. Longg is an unfortunate plus one, but I’d rather her over Adonis any day of the week.”

            “Careful what you say. She is notorious for holding grudges with very colorful punishments.”

            “Oh, I think I’m very familiar with that. All too familiar.”

            Marinette giggled. “At least things will return to normal. Just you, me, Longg, and our friends and family.”

            Luka smiled and took Marinette’s hand. “I hope it stays that way. An unending, unfading dream of highs and lows with you by my side. If you’ll have me.”

            Marinette squeezed Luka’s hand. “With you and only you, my amaranthine.”

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[spurgie-cousin]

The few times I’ve overheard them when my husband answers the door is “are you Brother (last name)” and my husband says “no they’re not here at the moment” and then some excuse of “I’m actually just going up to bed/it’s not a good time etc”. He wants nothing to do with religion as a whole so he doesn’t want to talk to them to begin with but they’ll just stand at the door for 10 minutes straight to make damn sure that nobody is home before they leave, so it’s faster to just open the door and send them on their way

One time I was upstairs watching out the window and there was a third person in their car with a computer or an ipad or something in their lap with the brightness all the way up. Once my husband got them to leave, I went around and made sure every door and window on the first floor was shut and locked. Like you show up where I am, after dark, AND I’m not expecting you? I’ve seen too many episodes of Criminal Minds for that, thanks.

Apparently they show up just to talk to my ILs, idk if it’s for actual church goodwill reasons, like how the church that I grew up in used to do home ministry for people that couldn’t physically make it to the building, OR because my ILs don’t go to any mormon church out here and the overarching church wants to keep tabs on them, like you said. I lean toward the second one but I’ve never been at their house when they’re home and the mormons show up (nor do I want to be, I don’t need them knowing who I am to stalk me like that)

Omg the mormons I was trying to ghost did the same thing, it was always young men in their mission outfits and they would stand outside for FOREVER, like 15 or 20 minutes after knocking. And listen, if I'm not expecting someone and they don't look like the mail person or police or someone official, I usually don't answer (the only people who'd do that around here are trying to sell you something). If there's no answer, most people leave in like 30 seconds so it legitimately did freak me out when I'd walk by the a window 10 mins later and catch these guys out of the corner of my eye (and hide lol).

I totally agree, in your ILs case I'm definitely leaning toward the second explanation too. It sounds like the same kind of behavior bc in my case, they were trying to get me to come back after the recruitment thing, and in their case maybe it's the same protocol for mormons who the church knows are in a certain area with a church but not attending.

I don't blame you for not wanting to engage. Don't get me wrong they're usually perfectly friendly, but they have a very vacuum salesman approach once you start a conversation. You have to really be firm and say no so many times, esp if it's not a first time thing and you're involved with the LDS somehow.

Thank you for sharing! That is genuinely so interesting, I wonder what their deal is...

[little-peril-stories]

The Prince of Thieves: As Good as Gold, and Better: Part III

Contains: sleep paralysis, angst, awkward almostflirting

Previous | TPOT Masterlist | Read on Ao3 instead

Word count: 4900 || Approx reading time: 20 mins

Best read after Part I and Part II. An object mentioned in here also features in Box in Your Heart, but it's not required reading. This is the last part. Happy holidays! 💕✨

As Good as Gold, and Better: Part III

Teaser: It was a stupid idea to stay up late, because sleep is good for you or whatever, but more than that, I know what to expect when I’m that tired. Too tired.

Will

I can be a real dumbass, as everyone likes to remind me, and sometimes I jump headfirst into shit because I’m not thinking. Other times, though, I know I’m setting myself up for pain, and I do it anyway.

That’s what happened last night. I knew it wasn’t a good idea to stay up all night to finish carving and add all the last touches to make it perfect, but I kind of didn’t realize just how little time I had to do that, and suddenly it was Christmas Eve and it wasn’t done and I had to get it done, and so I did it, and then it was well past midnight and light was almost ready to creep across the sky and I was only just falling into bed.

It was a stupid idea to stay up late, because sleep is good for you or whatever, but more than that, I know what to expect when I’m that tired. Too tired.

And it did happen. I half-fell asleep and that feeling slithered over my entire body, the one where I can’t move and some invisible weight sits on my chest and that awful goddamn rushing noise screams in my ears. The first time, months ago, when we were still at Colette’s place, I had no fucking clue what was going on. I thought I was dying. I tried to move my arms or yell for Jamie or do fucking anything, and I just couldn’t.

The only thing I could do was be there and lie still because I had no choice, while the air screeched past my head, rushing and whooshing, and sometimes, if I was real tired and it was real bad, I’d hear his voice. Your name, boy. Tell me your name.

Things are never perfect—don’t we know it—but they’re better now. And last night when my arms and legs froze, and that pressure built up in my chest, and I wanted to yell and scream, I remembered. I knew I couldn’t. And I knew none of it—the voice, the rushing wind, the invisible hand trying to squeeze the breath right out of me—was real.

I tried to remember to breathe, and it was hard.

And I focussed on one hand, one finger, and I tried to get it to shift just a bit, and it was hard.

And I held on to the thought of tomorrow, which was coming, because I wasn’t dying, and I knew I’d be there to give Bree her Christmas gift, and that…that was easy.

And the noise quieted, and my finger twitched, and I could breathe, and I was fully awake again. And when I fell asleep for real, there were no dreams. For once.

At least the others seem to recognize that waking me up early would be a bad idea, so when I open my eyes, the sun’s been up for hours.

“Merry Christmas,” Jamie says, laughing, when I finally drag myself out of bed. “What time did you finally quit?”

“I don’t know,” I say honestly. Who knows how many bells chimed around the time I finally got to sleep? “It was late.”

Going downstairs is a mistake. It’s a madhouse down there—kids everywhere, all churched out from the morning, shrieking and opening presents and getting food everywhere, and Stella’s looking like she’s going to blow up at any second, and even if I wanted to talk to Bree, there’s no way I can get more than a few words out of her.

“Come on,” Colette says, tugging at my arm. “Let’s go back upstairs. We can finish the book.”

No, thanks.

“I’m gonna go for a walk,” I say, and it probably hurts her feelings a little, but if I can’t even talk to the person I’m down here for, then what’s the point? “Get some fresh air.”

If she is hurt, she hides it, but there is something else on her face. Concern. “Want me to come along?”

“You gonna read to me if you do?” I get a hearty eye-roll in response, and she tries to flick me on the ear. Tries. I jerk out of the way. “Too slow.”

“Next time, watch out,” she threatens, and I have to laugh.

So my need for fresh air and quiet turns into a family walk, which is fine because they’re all caught up in their own stuff anyway—Geoff and Jamie coaxing birds to eat bread crumbs out of their hands, Colette and Allan talking about the book she’s been reading to us like it hasn’t already been written for years and there’s anything remotely interesting to debate or question. It’s a relief to get away from the craziness of the inn, from the heat and closeness of air that feels a bit too much like having that weight on my chest while I try to fall asleep. It hasn’t snowed in a few days, but the ground has stayed blanketed in white, and even though it’s now all pocked with footprints, it’s still nice. Pretty, even. And it’s so much better to be in a place with less noise and no walls.

After he runs out of bread crumbs, Jamie leaves Geoff staring silently at a cardinal and stands beside me. “You all right?”

“Yeah. I’m good.”

“You sure?”

“I’m just tired,” I say, and a yawn cracks through. He doesn’t know about the sleeping thing, the hearing noises and not being able to move. Doesn’t seem worth it to worry him, now that I’ve kind of figured out how to deal with it.

“Well,” he says, “maybe you should have gone to bed at a reasonable hour?”

“I wasn’t done.”

I keep my eyes on the cloudy sky, like I’m scanning it for signs of snow, but honestly, I just don’t want to look at him while he says, “It’s pretty important to you, huh?”

“Yeah,” I say. “I mean, I guess. Yeah. Sort of. Whatever.”

Somewhere nearby, Colette starts giggling.

“Oh, come on.” Jamie turns to her, sounding pretty exasperated, but I don’t know what his problem is. “Can you just lay off?”

For whatever reason, he’s launching into older-brother defensiveness, but he doesn’t need to worry about me. I’ve got this.

“Honestly, Alpha, you’re such a—”

Colette cuts off mid-sentence, interrupted by a shrill squeal when she has to duck out of the way of the snowball I send flying toward her head.

“Too slow!” she yelps, hurling my own taunt back at me, and then we all hold perfectly still for a moment, staring at each other, deciding what to do.

Well, they might be deciding what to do. I’m making my plan of attack.

Colette catches my eye, and I know I’ve got at least one worthy opponent in this annoying, sorry bunch.

“You’re all mad!” Allan wails, leaping out of the way when Colette dives down to make her own snowball, Geoff does the same, and Jamie darts to my side.

“Pick a team!” Colette orders. “You’re with me and Geoff, or you’re with them, doctor. Make up your mind quick!”

She dodges too slowly this time, and I catch her right on the shoulder, sending an explosion of snow across her coat. She shrieks and throws, and then I’m spitting snow out of my face, icy and sharp but exhilarating.

If I was looking for something to wake me up, this is it.

“Oh, in the face!” she whoops. “That’s gotta be worth at least ten points!”

“Points?” Allan repeats. Looks like he’s picked the wrong side—hers. “How do the points work?”

Smirking, Colette says, “Oh, just pick any number you like and it’ll work out. Will can’t count anyway, so—”

Goddamn, she’s really asking for it now.

Too late to dodge, she turns and I land a hit square in the centre of her back. “How’s that for a ten-pointer?”

“Ha! That’s six, at most.” Slapping a snowball into Allan’s hands, she demands, “Are you going to help me kick his ass, or what?” She scoops up more snow, taking aim at me. “Ready for defeat?”

“In your dreams,” I say, lifting my arm, too, and we both let loose our weapons at the same time.

Maybe it’s silly.

Maybe we are, as Allan says indignantly when we’re walking back dripping in sweat and melted snow, too old to be acting like violent hooligans. (I leave it to Colette to cheerily remind him that we’ve been violent hooligans from the moment he met us.)

“Oh, please,” she says haughtily when he tries to argue. (Dumbass move on his part. Hasn’t he learned yet?) “Weren’t you listening last night? ‘It is good to be children sometimes, and never better than at Christmas.’”

Whatever the hell she’s talking about, it shuts him up.

Maybe I should’ve put my coat back on and tried to fix my sweat-damp hair before barging into Stella’s inn and getting snow all over the floor when it falls off my clothes and boots.

“You’ll be cleaning that up yourself,” says Stella sharply, and she doesn’t back down even when I give her my best attempt at a rueful grin.

Maybe it makes me smile, even chuckle, when Bree’s eyes widen and her cheeks turn kind of pink when I walk through the door.

“What on earth—” she starts, but from somewhere upstairs, Celeste calls for “Lucy,” and Bree shakes her head, tosses me a cloth to wipe our wet footprints so Stella doesn’t kill me, and then vanishes, laughing.

Maybe it’s okay to have a little fun, because fuck it. It’s Christmas.

***

“You’re looking more civilized.” At first, Bree’s leaning against the wall by the Christmas tree with her eyes closed, but at the sound of me walking toward her, her eyes flutter open. God, she looks so damn tired. I wonder what time she woke up this morning. Whenever it was, she’s still not too tired to make a gentle, light-hearted jab. “Less like a rat who got stuck in a snowbank.”

“Uh, rude?” I settle down next to her. She looks, yet again, like she’s been run absolutely ragged, which I guess is true. But I kind of like the way her hair’s all mussed again, especially now that she’s tugged it out of its braid so it’s all wavy around her face. She’s using her fingers to comb it, which I’ve seen her do before, but so often it’s been this fast, nervous sort of motion she does when she’s worried. Today it’s calm, close to sleepy. That, and that she’s let it down at all even though we’re in the common area and Stella would probably not appreciate such—what’s the word? It’s in my head somewhere, starts with I—impropriety, makes me smile. It’s nice to see her relaxed. Not scared, not worried, not harried. At ease. And—do I dare say it?—happy.

She smiles at the fake touchiness. “What can I say? That’s what you looked like. What were you even doing out there?”

I stare at her in shock. Is she for real? “What do you think we were all doing?”

“Rolling around in the snow, I can only assume.”

No—she can’t be serious. “Haven’t you ever been in a snowball fight before?”

The fact that she even has to think about it—lifting her gaze a little, pursing her lips, tilting her head as she tries to remember if she’s ever thrown a goddamn snowball before—tells me her answer. “Holy shit. You never have, have you?”

“I was never allowed to play outside like that!” she says defensively. “My father wouldn’t have ever let me play rough with the other kids.”

I don’t like thinking about her nasty dad and all the ways he fucked her up. “You’ve seen one, though, right? A snowball fight?”

“I mean, I suppose so.” She shrugs. “Am I really missing much?”

“Well,” I say, scratching my chin, “knowing that a chunk of ice might accidentally take your eye out if a snowball hits you in the face does kind of make you feel alive. So that’s something you’re missing out on.”

It’s dim in here now that most folks have gone to bed; the fire’s dying and the room is quiet, so there’s not much noise to drown out her laugh. It’s a bit like the sound of bells, which I guess is appropriate for Christmas Day, even if it is almost over. “Well. You’ve certainly made it sound appealing.” She shakes her head. “So, are you going to tell me why I’m not allowed to go upstairs to bed yet?”

I raise my eyebrows. “Oh, come on. You can’t figure it out?”

She blinks at me, getting all pink again like she did earlier. She opens her mouth, closes it again, twists her hair back into a knot behind her head, then says quickly, “No. I don’t know. Why?”

“I gotta give you your Christmas present.” The second I say it, I want to die a little. Why does it suddenly sound so childish? Allan kept saying that the snowball fight was immature and silly, but compared to this moment, it feels like it was downright dignified.

Colette’s stupid quote echoes in my head. Never better than at Christmas.

The pink flush in her face darkens to a deep shade of red. “Real—really?”

“I’m not a liar,” I say, which is maybe the wrong thing to say because, for a moment, my throat tightens, and Bree’s face falls.

But it passes, and she leaps to her feet. “Hold on for just a minute, all right?”

“What?” I gape at her as she runs toward the stairs. “I just said I’m giving you a present! Where are you going?”

“Just hold on,” she repeats, and then she’s gone, leaving me alone in the dying light of the common room to just wait for her to come back.

Shit, shit, shit. Maybe this was a damn stupid idea, and maybe she’s not coming back, and maybe it’s weird that I want to give her a Christmas gift at all, and maybe—

Maybe that’s the sound of rapid footsteps pattering down the stairs.

“Sorry!” she gasps, out of breath when she returns. Trying to tame her hair was apparently pointless; it’s slipped out of the knot again. “I just—I wasn’t expecting you—well, or anyone, and I—I wasn’t sure if—”

Trying to follow all the sentences she started and didn’t finish is making me dizzy. “Huh?”

“I have something for you, too!” And goddamn, she’s holding something in her hands, wrapped in newspaper and tied with string. It’s so neat and tidy, it must have already been prepared. No way she made it look so damn nice just now. “M—um—” She offers the parcel. “Merry Christmas.”

For a second, I don’t know what to do.

“Take it,” she says uncertainly. “It’s not much. I don’t have a lot of free…” She falters, still red. “I mean, if you don’t—you don’t have to, of course—if you’re not—”

My brain starts working again. “Shit. Sorry. Too many snowballs to the face.”

Biting her lip, she guesses, “Jamie?” That makes me laugh—as if—so she tries again, “Geoff?”

“Colette,” I admit, a little sheepishly. “She can be vicious when she wants to be.”

“Oh, I remember.”

This time, the silence only lasts for a moment or two before we both have to laugh. Of course she remembers. The first time we met, Colette threatened her with a knife.

“Please take it,” she says. Still holding out her gift. “Just—it’s really not much, so…”

I reach behind me for my own neatly wrapped parcel. I can’t take any credit for how nice it looks, though. I made Colette wrap it up all pretty, the least she could do after pummelling me outside—which would never have happened if I’d had a proper night's sleep, by the way—so what could have been a lumpy, wrinkled disaster is instead sharply creased and drawn on with cute little illustrations, stars and trees and such. “Okay. Thank you.” It’s then I realize she’s still standing. “Sit down! You were running around all day.”

She sits, brushing the wayward hair that keeps falling forward behind her ear. “You open yours first.”

I almost argue, but something earnest and insistent in her eyes stops me. Silently, I pick at the string until it comes undone, pretending I can’t see the way she’s smiling and bouncing her leg up and down out of the corner of my eye, and finally, I unwrap the gift inside.

“I just noticed you always steal Jamie’s,” she says quickly, before I’ve even really processed what I’m looking at. “That’s why—I mean, you seem to like it, and the colour is so nice on y—I mean, it’s a really nice colour. So I thought you should have your own.”

A green scarf, just like Jamie’s.

No, better.

“Damn!” I say, holding it up. She bursts into a laugh at that. “Seriously? You made this?”

“Well, yes,” she says. “I—it’s not that impressive, it’s just knitting, but—”

“The hell do you mean? I can’t knit.” Not that Colette hasn’t tried to teach me. Well, offered. Never really got far enough to do much teaching. “It’s great.”

Her smile widens, but she still bites her lip and asks, “Do you actually like it?”

I loop it around my neck, fingering the straight lines of the ends and the grey fringe dangling there. “Of course I do.” It’s soft, not scratchy. I wonder if the wool was expensive. I sure as hell hope not. “Jamie’ll be happy, too.”

“As long as you like it.” She pauses then, looking me over. “It—it looks nice.” Maybe it’s just the light, but I think her face is turning red. “Does it feel okay? Is it too long?”

“Bree…” She pauses, playing with her hair again, when I interrupt. “It’s perfect.” Now my face is getting hot, too. “Wanna open yours?”

Holding out my hand, box perched on my palm, feels like stretching across an ocean, and I’m not sure why. But she reaches out, too, and accepts. God, I think I’m sweating; maybe I shouldn’t have put on the scarf. It must be warm in here.

She starts to untie Colette’s pretty little bow, then stops. “What does this say?”

“What does what say?” I ask, frowning.

She squints down at something that is unmistakably written in Colette’s hand. “You didn’t write this?”

“No,” I admit, annoyed to have been busted. “I got Colette to wrap it for me after she kicked my ass in the snowball fight.” She’s fighting back a laugh again, damn it. “What’d she write?”

She purses her lips, trying to make out the words in the dimness, I guess. “‘Christmas time…a kind, forgiving, charitable, pleasant time…when men and women seem by one consent to open their shut-up hearts freely.’”

“The hell is that supposed to mean?” Already I’m imagining what I’m going to do to Colette for writing cryptic literary bullshit on my gift.

“I think it’s just a nice Christmas sentiment.” There’s a hitch to her voice. “I suppose it must be from A Christmas Carol?”

I’m sure it is, but the question is why the hell she wrote it there. “Okay, well, whatever. Come on, keep going. See what’s inside.” Colette, or Jamie, too, actually, would be giving me The Look, maybe a smack on the arm, maybe a mutter of, Just be patient, will you? Bree only rolls her eyes and smiles, and soon the paper is crackling open in her hands.

“Oh,” she says softly when she sees. “Will, did you—did you make this?” She gently lifts the wooden bird I busted my ass carving into the light. It doesn’t look so impressive to me, since I’ve spent way too long glaring at it and making it into something fit for human eyes, but she whispers, breathy and almost awed, “You made this?”

Pretending I can’t see a spot where I nicked one of its legs with the blade and left a scar, I say, “Yeah! I’m not entirely useless, you know.”

She fixes me with a long stare. “You’re not useless at all.” She takes her time then, feeling over the grooves that make up the feathers. “It must have taken forever. When did you even have time for this?”

“Some of us are unemployed and only pick up odd jobs delivering Christmas trees for cranky old women,” I say. “So, you know. I had time.” I don’t mean to tell her the next part, but something about leaving it there feels kind of dishonest, and before I know it, I’m spilling out the truth about last night, too. “I mean, I was maybe up all night finishing it ’cause I, uh, kind of ran out of time anyway, but—”

“Oh, is that what you were doing last night?” For a few seconds, she does the staring thing again, then looks away, ducking her chin to inspect the bird even closer. “Why you suddenly disappeared?”

Huh. She was so busy with all those kids, and that tall, blond guy who likes to follow her around, I figured she wouldn’t notice. “Yeah.”

“I thought maybe you…”

“Thought maybe I what?”

“Nothing—I—doesn’t matter. You were making this.” She runs her fingers over the bird again, as if she’s caressing the real, fragile, living and breathing thing. As if the ruts and hollows I carved into feathers are soft and downy to the touch. I must be really tired, because the rhythm of her fingertips running over the bird is almost mesmerizing. “Thank you. Thank you so much.”

For some reason, even though I’m hot, a shiver runs up and down my spine. I ignore it. “Merry Christmas.”

“Merry Christmas,” she returns quietly. “But—you’ve put me and my scarf to shame.”

“What? Don’t be ridiculous.” God, I am sweating. “I told you, it’s perfect. I’ll prove it. It’s fucking hot in here. Let’s go outside for a minute. And you’ll see how nice and warm I am still when we come back in. All thanks to this scarf.”

She shakes her head, laughing. “No! It’s the middle of the night. Too cold.”

“Come on. Just for a minute. Let’s see if it’s snowing.”

And it seems she can’t resist the needling, because she grabs her shawl from the back of her chair and says, “Okay.”

It’s not snowing, which is a shame, because it seems like it should be, these last minutes—hours? Who the hell knows what time it is?—of Christmas Day. But it is a little clear, just enough to see a few stars, anyway.

“I’m not going outside,” she says, already shivering in the doorway. The oddest feeling hits me, this desire to take off the scarf she just gave me and wrap it around her instead. “You’re crazy if you think I am.”

Figuring she’d take offense if I shoved her Christmas gift right back at her, I abandon the bizarre impulse and step out the door backwards, snow squeaking and crunching under my feet, hard-packed from all the traffic the inn has gotten the last few days. “It’s not that bad. See?” I raise my arms, spread wide, as the faintest breeze kicks up around us. It is damn cold, but I’ve committed to this now, so there’s no turning back, I guess. “I’m all nice and cozy and warm in this great scarf I got for Christmas.”

“You’re too much,” she says, but she’s smiling. She tiptoes forward, just a little, and that’s when I notice it.

“Uh…”

When she follows my gaze and sees where I’m looking, she gasps. “I’m going to kill that bastard.”

“Who?” I ask, but it’s a dumb question. I guess it’s kind of nice, though, to be pretty certain I’m not the bastard she’s talking about.

She crosses her arms. “Never mind. I didn’t realize he—I’m sorry, he probably hung it up there when I wasn’t looking, and Stella wasn’t looking, and…”

I tell her, “Not like I care,” and I don’t think until after the words are already out that maybe they’re kind of rude, and also maybe they’re not true.

“It’s just a stupid plant,” she says, shuffling away again, right back into the inn. “He only brought it in to chase girls around. And to annoy me. And Stella. It’s not…”

“You don’t have to run away from me,” I say. She’s still shivering. “I’m not going to jump on you just because some poisonous plant told me to.”

An odd look, one I can’t quite read, crosses her face. “It’s poisonous?”

“Yeah. You didn’t know?” When she shakes her head, I glance up at the white berries dangling over us. “Yup. No good for eating. Just for…you know. Dumb Christmas stuff. And…whatever.”

Without meaning to, I’ve moved back toward the door. Like they’re trying to mess me up even more after I promised Bree her scarf would keep me warm even in the winter’s night, my arms are all covered in goosebumps.

“Here,” I say, holding out my hand. “I got a solution.” But Bree doesn’t move. “Really? Don’t look at me like that. Don’t you trust me?”

She nods, reaching for my hand. “Yeah. I…I do.”

It’s funny, this contact. We fell asleep holding hands once. We clung to one another before we raced away from the prison—well, before she made it out, anyway. I remember her squeezing my hands before she ran off to find Jamie, before I never saw her again till a few weeks ago. But it still feels strange to take her fingers in mine. Stranger still to lift them up like I’m some sort of gentleman, a real fucking joke if I’ve ever heard one. But I give her a grin and, before I can lose my nerve or give up on the bit, and press my lips to her hand.

“There,” I say. Still clinging to her fingers. Good news: she hasn’t started shrieking or batting me away or trying to crush my toes beneath her boots, which, if Colette the gossip is to be believed, is apparently a danger. “Now your only kiss under mistletoe wasn’t from that asshole who’s always chasing you around.”

“Oh,” she says, stuttering a bit. “I—um—th—”

I imagined she might get flustered at the sight of me pretending to be some kind of gallant knight, kissing her hand and all, and in my head it was funny. Now, though, I wonder if I’ve gone and fucked everything up somehow.

Bree laughs.

“Well, I hate to say it, but I actually gave that asshole a kiss on the cheek when he cornered me with this nonsense last night.” She makes a face, directing her disdain over our heads. “Perhaps it’s not quite fair.”

“What’s not?”

Quick as a flash, she steps closer, and I figure it out at the last second, right before her lips brush the side of my cheek. And even though I just saw her shivering from the cold, the touch is hot enough to melt a snowdrift into a puddle.

“There,” she says rapidly, already stepping back. “Now…” She blinks. “Now it’s more…fair.”

My brain is doing the not-working thing again, but I think I hear myself say, “Thank you?”

She bursts into giggles, those pealing bells ringing and echoing right through me. “I’m sorry,” she says, hiding behind her hand. “I really am going to kick Henry’s ass.”

“Don’t,” I say, my cheek still burning, but why am I telling her not to kick his ass, again? “I mean, do. Yeah, go for it. I mean…”

I have to take this scarf off before it strangles me.

“Merry Christmas, Will.” Bree’s still holding the bird. And she’s all pink and flushed and embarrassed, but damn if she doesn’t look happy. “I’m, um—I’m going to bed now.”

“I think I will, too,” I say, all too aware of the mistletoe over my head when I pass the threshold back into the inn and close the door.

“Thank you.” The bird. The gift. That’s what she’s thanking me for. “It’s perfect. The best gift I’ve ever gotten.”

Probably a lie, right? I mean, there was a time when her family was rich.

She doesn’t look like she’s lying, though.

“Same here,” I tell her, fingering the end of the scarf. But she shakes her head, so I have to go on, “I mean it.”

“You promise?”

I don’t know why it gets real hard to speak then. It is dark, and the middle of the night, and I didn’t get enough sleep, and then there was the whole snowball fight, and if I’m being honest, I feel a bit loopy after everything, like the world is sort of misty and uncertain, like I’ve had too much to drink and done something stupid but I know that’s not it, not right now. And I don’t know why I really need her to understand that yeah, I’m telling the truth, and maybe it’s not just about the scarf. Maybe it’s a little bit of everything.

“Promise.”

Previous | TPOT Masterlist | Read on Ao3 instead

[liberty-mutual-138]

Hey! ♥️ I have questions for the ask game!

2. Is your OC a loner or a social butterfly? Are they satisfied with how they come across to other people?

13. How important are romantic relationships to your OC? Do they prefer casual sex, short flings, or long term relationships? Do they want to get married or are they content with what they have? Or do they have no interest in romance whatsoever?

20. Has your OC ever done something terrible and lied about it? Did they run away or blame someone else for it? How long did they maintain the lie and did the truth ever come out?

I have no much hope for Oz and Annika for the last question. 💀

Hey Sheena! Thanks for sending in an ask! <3

[VERY LONG ANSWER. SORRY POOKIE 😭]

2. Oz is extremely awkward and unintentionally a loner. He’s a funny guy, but dude struggles to keep up a conversation for longer than 5 mins before it turns awkward.

Oz wants to come off as awkward as he hates small talk. The more off-putting he is, the less likely they will annoy him with dumbass questions.

Annika loves talking. A lot. She has no qualms going up to a random ass stranger and starting a conversation. She knows when people are annoyed, she just genuinely couldn’t care less. Annika’s a professional yapper.

Annika has the exact opposite of social anxiety, so she doesn’t care about how she’s perceived.

Abbey leans more towards to social butterfly side, as she genuinely enjoys connecting with people. However, she gets nervous very easily, and tends to avoid speaking too much unless she’s spoken to. Basically, Abbey waits for other people to acknowledge her before she starts talking.

Abbey definitely doesn’t like how people see her. People often take her for a pushover because of her personality, but that’s far from the truth. She wishes more people would take her seriously. Just because Abbey doesn’t get angry often, doesn’t mean she’ll let someone walk over her.

13. (Boy oh boy where do I even begin)

Extremely. Oz has never experienced a true, loving, and lasting relationship in his 40 years on the planet. He YEARNS for the loving embrace of a woman, and not just for one night. Having a wife, kids, a dog, and a white picket fence, y’know, the typical nuclear family was his big dream in life. Until Annika had to be an asshole and turn the world into a nuclear wasteland while blaming the US💀

Annika’s a lesbian, in the USSR, and it’s the early 80s. Yeah, girl isn’t having a love life anytime soon. She doesn’t bother longing for what she can’t have, but she occasionally has flings with other women. Nothing serious, cause it couldn’t be serious. Is she content with that? HELL NAH. Annika sees couples on the street and she wishes she could have that.

Abbey would worry way too much to pursue any of three. She would need a strong emotional bond with someone to even consider a relationship. Romance isn’t what’s important to Abbey, but it’s having a strong connection that matters. But with the amount of people she lost both during her childhood and as an FBI agent, Abbey’s waiting for the next person she gets close to spontaneously disappear.

One thing these three goofy goobers have in common: they all long for the loving embrace of a human, but they’re all “too fucked up” to allow themselves to have that. And it’s like come on guys grow and change as people already 😭

Sheena, you were right. Annika and Oz are NOT beating the allegations 💀

20)

(Gotta get through a chunk of backstory for this to make sense)

TLDR: Oz let his dad die of a heart attack, then left him there.

During the peak of Oz’s addiction, right after he got out of the first round of rehab and almost a year after his honorable discharge, he was living back with Old Man Clancy and his mother. Now, Old Man Clancy both psychologically and physically abused Oz for most of his life, and he constantly taunts Oz for being a junkie, which was making him relapse more often.

(Back to the question)

Old Man Clancy had a heart attack just as Oz entered the house with groceries. He was sitting at the table with a dirty magazine gripped in his hands. Oz ran over to the home phone, and was about to dial 911 until… he just didn’t. He put the rotary phone back before he dialed the other “1”. Oz stared into Old Man Clancy’s eyes as his gurgling noises filled the room. And Oz just stared until he knew he was dead.

Oz put the groceries back in his car, and drove off into oblivion. He never told any of his siblings, or even his mother, that he was there and could’ve stopped Old Man Clancy’s death. His sister, Eve, was the only person who figured it out, but she didn’t say anything.

My batshit crazy pookie bear, where do I begin? Damn, this is hard lol. Girl was, is, and will always be a terrible person (at least in the nuke ending; she redeemed herself after the canon ending)

(BACKSTORY AGAIN! SORRY 😭)

TLDR: Annika killed an entire family that was on Perseus’ shitlist. When operatives found her, instead of telling them it was a hit, Annika told them she did it because “the father didn’t have any balls to steer the USSR in the right direction.”

For Annika, it’s definitely the reason why she actually joined Perseus in the first place. She was raised in organized crime, cruelty’s been in her blood since she was born. See, girlie was only 17 and she was already about two whoopsies away from getting sent to the Gulag.Annika really didn’t want to get sent to the Gulag, but she still had people she needed to ‘sweep under the rug’ so she wouldn’t also have the mob up her ass.

Despite the threat, outstanding warrants for her arrest, sustaining an eye injury that made light painful to look at, her father’s death, and not having anyone to protect her, Annika proceeded to preform another hit. She painted a family’s brains on a fucking hallway.

Perseus wanted to know who did it, and after two weeks they grabbed my girlie off the street. Annika was like “Oh fuck the KGB got me. I’m either gonna be in the Gulag or an oblong box.” So she decided to ‘negotiate’ for death. Meaning: She’d piss them off so much they kill her so doesn’t get sent to the Gulag. She shit-talked the entire structure of the Soviet government and their incompetence of handling the West’s threats. Annika said that’s why she killed them, for what the father’s ignorance.

Perseus believed that Annika killed them for the father’s incompetence, and not because she was paid good money for it. Nobody found out she was bullshitting until 2 years after she became an operator 💀

TLDR: Abbey gave the man responsible for her and her friend’s brainwashing severe chronic pain for the rest of his life by shooting him 6 times, then saving him.

Definitely the least morally repugnant person out of the trinity. I think we all know who the worst person is 💀

I’m getting lazy, and there’s too much to unpack with the last one, so I’m gonna limit it to two paragraphs max.

Just take the TLDR, and I’ll tell you the aftermath. Abbey arrests him and takes him into custody. They asked her how she didn’t manage to land any lethal shots on him out of the 8 shots she fired. Abbey just tells them “He’s a lucky guy” instead of telling them she intentionally save him so he would have to deal with the pain for the rest of his life.

Nobody believed Abbey, obviously, but they thought she saved him out of the goodness of her heart. They didn’t know that Abbey had so much hatred for the man that she thought death was too merciful for him. If she gave him a critical injury, he’d be recovering from it for the rest of his life, even if he escaped.

Dude I need to get better at shortening posts. This is the shortened version. I feel like I just wrote the declaration of independence. Nobody’s gonna make it this far. 💀

Thank you again though! Hope you weren’t expecting a quick read 💀

[nickgeezyblog]

Rucking Ocala National Forrest

Back in January I attempted Operation Ocala. I made it to mile 45 at the 3rd checkpoint. I thought I could go on after changing my socks, attending to my blisters, but as I got back up I was locked up. I was with 3 others, and we all made it there together and unfortunately, we all dropped like flies at that CP. I never rucked until 2023 or even knew what it really was. My friend did Operation Ocala 23 and I remember following him with his live track and watching some live videos, it was pretty wild. His blisters were knarly. He later got me into rucking later that year and I did a few rucks. My first long ruck we went for 40 overnight but only made it 26.2. I was dead. All with 25lbs dry weight. That was in early December and Operation Ocala was coming fast in mid Jan. I was able to do a few more 20 mile before Ocala and I felt ready. The biggest things I learned from Ocala 24 were that it's all mental. The feet are going to blister, the pain is going to come. The road to the end is longer than you could ever imagine. That day on the way home I couldn’t ever imagine doing that again. My wife picked me up, I could barely walk. Everything hurts. But by the next day or so I was so motivated to get back out there. I was so upset with myself that I had stopped. I know I could have just started moving again work through the pain and get more miles in. Here I am 15 hours into that ruck. It's roughly 8am. I have just enough time to get to the end at 5pm. I had work in the morning. I had a 2 hour drive home. So many things just stacked negatively for me that ending this was the easy way out. 

I found myself wanting to attempt this again right away. I could not wait a whole year. I remember my other friend Josh asking me that he would ruck with me when I posted some of my training activities online. He had been in the Army and he ran and hiked. I asked him if he wanted to do the trail with me soon, and he said yes. 

We set the date for Feb 24-25, 2024. We had 5 weeks to prepare. I go to the gym regularly so I kept my legs trained well. We did 1 ruck together late jan, 20 miles it went well. We found some hot spots and made some changes. I had new shoes. I was trying Altra Lone Peak 8. My issues at Operation Ocala were that my pinky toes were trashed. My pinky toe naturally goes inward towards that next toe and just gets squished. The Lone Peaks, like most Altra, have a wide toe box. I rucked a few 20s and even a marathon before the next attempt. I played around with toe spacers, toe socks, double layer socks...I knew it was going to be an issue. Some things helped but nothing was going to be a solution. I just accepted that going into it. I knew If I can keep my toes decent I can make this. My cardio was fine , I know how to eat and drink etc. It was all feet for me. 

Josh and I met Wednesday before the ruck and figured out where we would drop water off and planned the logistics of getting there and back. The plan was to take both trucks and park his at the finish line which was the end of the Florida Trail. Then we would take my truck and stop at 3 spots approximately 15-21 miles apart. It was more base on access with the trucks we found the easiest highways where the trail intersected. So the route was, start at Fort McCoy, Check point 1 was 18 miles away, Checkpoint 2 was 21 miles away from there, and checkpoint 3 was roughly 15 miles away then like 12-13 more to finish. 

We had to carry all the food with us, and I had extra water at all times since the checkpoints were 5-7 hours apart. I had 4L of water at all times. We chose to leave for Ocala at 730a. This way we did not disturb our natural sleep and we could complete our morning routines. By the time we got to the starting point after all the stops it was 1130. We wanted to start by noon. We started a few min after but close enough.  

My shoes and feet felt good. I had vaseline on the toes, XOSKIN toe socks, a pink toe spacer on the outside, then Dickies thick boot socks over that along with the Altras. All the layers were sitting well, and my feet felt good. I had about 30lbs total on me. A backpack and a hip sack combined. In my backpack water, food, extra clothes, first aid, emergency tent, bear spray, insect repellent, head lamps, back up batteries, electrolytes. In my hip sack I had phone, batteries to charge phone, cords that were ready to go. This way there was no fussing around when trying to charge phone. I had some more food, compass, bear bell, and whistle.  

Weather was perfect. Clear skies, 68 for the high 40s for the low. Light wind. It was gorgeous. Our pace started good. High 17 min miles which was expected for us. Im not a fast rucker, im not a fast runner. Anything sub 18 for me is great. I do from time-to-time shuffle but I chose not to do so on this ruck.  

The first leg was great. I did almost step on a pigmy rattler which made things a little exciting. 

We got to the first check point , you have so much time to play it in your head what you need to check on, fix, charge, etc. It never seems to go as smoothly and it always takes longer. But we got our water refilled, took a quick break and got moving again, It was a 34 min mile combined on that stop, not too bad. 16-17 min break. 

By this time the sun was setting and the next checkpoint was 21 miles so we set out for the next 7 hours. Navigating the Florida Trail is not too bad. I would say it is well marked. We did get lost in January but I had a better map this time and I knew some of the mistakes we made in the past. I did not want to get lost this time. That was one thing that really tired us out . There is a big lake on the trail and it feels like it takes 3 hours to go around, that's because it does. You see a lot of campers around here, but the trail wasn’t really to busy. We passed less than 10 people the entire time. One thing that was helpful for me is knowing the familiar areas. I knew what was coming and it made it like a connect the dots game. It would be like the hike was mentally mapped out in my head. I knew we had to get around the lake, then later there would be a creek crossing, then a sketchier creek crossing , then a board walk etc. That helped me mentally keep going almost as something to look forward to. 

Again, this is mostly mental. This is what got me here. Do hard things. The mind and body are limitless to some extent. You choose what you can and cannot do. The body will persuade you but the mind is the real boss. You go through moments of ups and downs. Filled with doubts, regrets, runner's highs, sense of pride etc. Pain comes and goes. You think you have something brewing on your feet and then it will work itself out. I tried my best not to mess with my feet, but at CP2 I did a sock change just on the boot socks and I took off the toe spacers. I had some hotspots for sure but was not ready to dive into that.  

The night was probably my favorite part. The weather was cooler, no sun heating up your skin. It’s quiet other than some music I was playing. I think I went from Eminem to country to classic rock back to Eminem then death cab for cutie. I was all over the place but it all helped. There were some parts of night and day where I was so into the music I think I was dancing a singing along, im sure me being delirious helped. 

I mentioned food and drink earlier. Here is some more details. I drank 2L of water 4 hours. In the water were 2 packs of Gator Lyte. Plenty of sodium mag and potassium. I'm not crazy about Gatorade but the Gator Lyte drinks and powders are perfect for me. 

I ate every hour. Protein bars like Gatorade bars, and METrx bars. Swedish fish sugary gummies hit the spot, some pop tarts, and I saved a bag of skittles for the last few miles. I don’t normally eat that crap so It was a nice treat. According to my Garmin watch i burned over 7000 calories and I ate close to 5000 I think. 

I did have a chest strap on too for more accurate heart rate monitoring. Garmin is great for these activities. I cycle, run, ruck, etc. and Garmin is great at tracking all of that. I did use Strava for the map portion. I downloaded a friend that actually completed Ocala24 map and that was extremely helpful. Thank you Clint.  

As the sun rises it’s always a great feeling. We were over the hump. We encountered a burning forest at one point in the night. Not sure if it was prescribed but it was very odd to see these trees burning at night with significant flames. There are so many different areas that you cover. Miles of pine trees over hills you can see for so far, scrub oaks and brush where you can’t see but right in front of you, and everything in between. There were overall many prescribed burns that had just happened so you could see more than normal. Not much wildlife though, not sure if that was good or bad. Many deer tracks not no deer.  

One of my highlights of the night was making it to the spot I quit at in January on Mile 45. It was a dirt road. I told Josh to take a picture of me, I flicked off the camera, had a sense of pride and continued on. I was now going into an uncharted trail for me. 

The morning started great. We made it through the night I was trying to do the math and thought we would finish around 11am. 23 hours total. After the sunrise excitement settled down reality was starting to set in. We were slowing down. I was going as fast as I could but overall, it was about 2 solid min slower and that number was growing. My feet were starting to sting. My shins were in pain. My shoulders were tired. My back had blisters from the pack that were not going away anytime soon. My hip sack was rubbing into my legs. Everything was breaking down as expected. I went into this knowing that it was going to be hard and painful. I did not think that if I prepared good nothing bad would happen. That's where I went south the first time. I was prepared this time to embrace the suck. And that's just what I had to do the last 4 hours. Those last 4 hours 12-14 miles or so were hard. Josh was hurting as well. I had the map and I could see the finish line but I made one small mistake. The Strava trail I downloaded was 66 . 63 miles so I was using that number as the finish line. Strava and Garmin must calculate the miles differently. I did not know this so when you are mentally preparing for that finish line you give it your all. Everything you have but that finish line was further than I was preparing for and I didn’t realize this until the last 5 or 6 miles. We were crushed by now and knowing we had to go further was a lot to digest. I was talking to Josh and myself, or I guess yelling....” This is why we came here , It’s not for the last 60 miles, It's for these last 3 or 4” Everything slowed down. Our pace was hitting 23 min miles. About 5 min slower per mile than how we started. Add that to 4 or 5 miles and it's an additional half hour. Things were just stacking up negatively for us. We ran into some hikers, so we knew the trail head was closer. I asked them how far they had been hiking and they said about an hour or so, someone said 2.9 miles...So we finally knew what we had left. If it took them an hour with fresh legs, what did that mean for us. 1.5 hours...? Now time was a crunch. I know this was an unofficial attempt but I still wanted to be there within 24 hours. I was getting doubtful. Josh was as bad as me. Just shot mentally and physically. Quitting was not an option.  We had trucks 70 miles apart and no other assistance. We just pushed and pushed. “GO ONE MORE”. I had my son write that on my hand. I knew I would need it. One for step. One more min. One more mile. And so on. I looked at it many times during the ruck. I can’t explain how slow time and miles passed at the end. The last mile took the longest. We were so close about ¼ mile away and I felt something pop between my big toe and the next toe. That area had been tender for a while but the blister popped. HOLY COW It stung. I went from a slow pace to a limp real quick. I am grateful this happened the last ¼ mile and not the last 5 miles. I don’t know what I would have done. We limped on and pushed with everything we had and made it to the trailhead at just over 67 miles in 23.5 hours. I told Josh as we had a few miles left, the pain would go away as soon as we got there. We just have to get there. I told him he was a F**king Badass! I said many will never even attempt something like this. I was just trying to be as positive as I could. Every time I looked at my hand “go one more” (got that from Nick Barre) it would choke me up a little.  

The next few hours we ate some pizza. We must have looked like 2 90-year-olds with walkers coming into the restaurant. We had to drive back to my truck. My feet were rough but not as bad as I thought. It's crazy how much pain and stinging can come from a little blister. I guess your body is really good at telling you to stop. I was mentally prepared for that. I knew what was coming.  

The ride home was long, 2 hours 20 minutes from the Rodman trailhead. My wife and son were waiting for me. Dinner was cooking. I limped in, i could barely move. My wife tore some band aids off my back, and I screamed so loud like I never knew I could scream that loud it hurt so much. Then I iced bathed my feet. Another painful moment. I ate and crawled into bed. My feet and legs were swollen and still are (the next morning) I took the day off of course so that's how I have time to write this. I am moving better today than expected though. I will be fine. Josh is doing good too. He will be fine. We will be fine. It was a big commitment to revisit this quest.  

I can now move on. I will continue to ruck but I like trying new things. Ultra running is something I have in my sights. I have never ran a marathon but I just rucked over 2.5 of them in less than 24 hours. It was equivalent to doing 21 5ks. 

I share all this because we have much more potential than we think. We can do anything. It may not happen all at once but if you want something bad enough you can do it. Long distance really lets you dig deep with yourself. Even during training, I went on 7 –8-hour rucks and you can really work on yourself out there. I call it training but it was still a hobby to me or just a fun Sunday morning. Put in your favorite podcasts or music playlist and just start rucking. It’s a great zone 2 exercise. That helps build endurance and just overall makes you healthier and stronger. The mind gets stronger too. You think the normal day to day challenges will even be a blip on my radar after this? That\s what it's all about. Doing hard things. When you raise that baseline of what is hard, the normal "hard' stuff is a walk in the park. Challenge yourself. Embrace the suck and bring some friends with you to enjoy the ride. 

[gingerrevs]

Onwards & Upwards

It’s been a whole year since we lost my lovely mum. In one sense it seems like no time has passed and in another it feels like much, much longer.

After she passed away, I received various well intended ‘hope you’re doing ok’ messages which of course is very kind of everyone. But no, I’m not ok, my mum’s just f**king died! And all I could really reply other than the ‘thank you, I miss her so much’ was that it was just weird. Weird that one of the main constants in my life was now gone forever. Weird that I couldn’t just pick up the phone and talk to her ever again. And weird that I had just gone through a hugely traumatic thing but yet the world just keeps on turning.

For the last 12 months my mum’s final months have gone round and round in my head on a loop, showing no sign of dimming. And the memories of those last few days before she passed away in particular being vicious mental sledgehammers appearing from out of nowhere. As we come to the year anniversary of her death, I decided that perhaps putting into writing what happened may be a way of helping process it all. And whilst it might seem somewhat self-indulgent or attention seeking, if I’m going to spend time putting all this in words then why not give people the opportunity to read it. The sceptics would argue that ruminating on the past could be somewhat detrimental, but then the sceptics probably aren’t going to read this! The following is pretty raw, and I appreciate may be a bit much to take in. But if you do make it to the end, thank you.

Some background. Mum first had cancer in 2018 and whilst somewhat overwhelming for us all (not to mention for mum!) between one major operation, chemotherapy & radiotherapy mum made it through and on we went.

November 2021 it came back. Sadly, there’s always a chance it will return and whilst mum took it like a champ the rest of us fell apart somewhat. As much hope as I wanted to have, could mum really beat it a second time around? And cancer aside, this all coincided with the descent of the Omicron COVID variant which just made things that much more stressful to deal with. Initially things were promising, a treatment plan was sorted and medication administered. And then unfortunately things quite rapidly went sour.

Like all cancer treatment, what mum was receiving was pretty brutal and had made her bones really weak. Early March 2022 in the middle of the night mum managed to break her arm severely and she was whisked away in an ambulance. That same day all Cornish hospitals went into a lockdown due to severely high COVID rates across the county, so no one was allowed in the ambulance with her, nor wait with her at A&E. I made various phone calls to the hospital to try and figure out what was going on – no straight answers other than she hadn’t been admitted yet and the best thing was to just stay put.

Ignoring that, I drove the two hours to the city where mum was in hospital. In that two hours still no news other than mum had been triaged and they were trying to decide the best plan of action. Oh and no I wasn’t allowed to be with her so I sat in my car in a supermarket car park nearby ringing every 45 mins or so for updates. I was finally told she’d be admitted so I then did a round trip to where she lived to sort out an overnight bag and headed back to the hospital. By this point mum had been in an ambulance for about 9 hours. The hospital’s A&E was so full there was no bed for her to go into. On arriving at the hospital, I was told a nurse would come and meet me to get mum’s bag as I couldn’t go in, I asked the lovely chap if mum was still in an ambulance, she was, and was there no way I could just see her for a little bit? His advice was to walk around to the ambulance bay and see if I could find her. It happened to be around the corner from the main entrance, so I walked over and what I saw took my breath away. About 20 ambulances all lined up. 20 ambulances with patients in. 20 ambulances who couldn’t discharge their patients because there was nowhere for them to go. It was absolutely bonkers. You hear about it on the news but seeing it first hand was completely shocking. I walked about for a bit, torn between not wanting to disturbing the paramedics and desperately wanting to see my mum. In the end I came across two paramedics having a coffee so decided they wouldn’t mind me asking. My initial attempt at trying to explain what I was doing just resulted in me bursting into tears but eventually I managed to convey what I was after, and they very kindly found out which ambulance mum was in and led me to her. I was so glad to see her, and she seemed pretty happy to see me! Although worried that there was no food at home for me to eat, typical mum! I stayed for about 20 minutes making sure there was nothing else I could do at the time for mum and reassured her the hospital staff had my number to keep me as updated as possible. And off I went, but not before the paramedic looking after mum ‘cheerfully’ told me not to get in a car crash on my way home because all the ambulances in Cornwall were currently there so no one would be able to come and save me. Mum finally got admitted at around 8.30 that evening so about 16 hours in an ambulance overall. I don’t think I’ll ever forget the sight of all those ambulances lined up.

Mum ended up in hospital for two weeks. Various plans put together (to operate on mum’s arm, or leave it?) and then changed last minute. Lots of phone calls and everything done at a distance because absolutely no visitors due to COVID. Then the irony being that mum caught COVID whilst in hospital, after we’d all been so bloody careful. Thankfully she was asymptomatic and not affected at all thank goodness.

F**king COVID. A slight tangent here. I cannot even begin to imagine how difficult it was for people who lost loved ones and couldn’t be there at the end because of strict lockdown rules & protocols. I get so f**king angry that COVID meant in the last two years of mum’s life we missed out on so much time together. That she missed out on seeing her amazing grandchildren because they didn’t live in the same country. So. F**king. Angry. And there’ll be so many other people out there who had to experience the same thing. All the while our inept suited turds of a government enjoyed themselves to no end because they just decided they were above the law. Dickheads.

Anyway, mum came out of hospital just before Mother’s Day and knowing she’d insist on there not being a fuss I decided to drive down and surprise her. She was delighted, and hindsight – I’m so f**king glad I did. Not long after that was mum’s 70th birthday, by that point the broken arm & the treatment meant things were really taking their toll so again no fuss, but we asked close friends & family to send video messages wishing mum a happy birthday which a friend of Dan’s then edited together beautifully. Mum loved it.

Mum had support workers going in twice a day and there was various friends & family on hand too, then after mum’s birthday I was back for the Easter Weekend arriving Thursday afternoon. En route I’d stopped to pick up mum’s prescription where they noted concern at the amount of oral morphine mum was getting through and asked if we could sort a review for next week. I reminded them she had a broken arm as well as cancer but that of course we’d get something sorted for after the Bank Holiday weekend and headed to mums. I was gone for maybe 5 days and the change was somewhat significant. I feel like an idiot now for not seeing it, but she was clearly so very poorly. Not much sleep that Thursday night as I wanted to be on hand in case something happened. I was dozing on the sofa when mum’s support worker arrived (they were absolutely sensational and deserve the earth!), and then before she left, the support worker pulled me aside and said, ‘Your mum can’t stay at home anymore, she really does need round the clock care, and she’s not set up here for that’. She was 100% right of course but what the f**k do I do now? Pete (mum’s husband) was with mum, so I popped over to see one of Mum’s friends (Kate) to ask for advice. She agreed mum needed to be admitted somewhere and from hers I rang the support workers to ask what I should do. ‘Ring 999, explain the situation. Paramedics should be able to come, assess your mum and get her into a community hospital. Then you can make a plan from there’.

That all sounds straightforward enough, but mum was as stubborn as a mule and never liked a fuss. What if she refused to go? I drove home and just took the bull by the horns. Mum didn’t even put up a fight, which just shows how bad things were, and agreed she needed to go somewhere. I rang 999 and went through the motions. A while later the paramedics showed up and did a brilliant job, they agreed mum needed to go somewhere and gave a very thorough assessment which then helped mum get into a community hospital in North Cornwall (the only place with a spare bed). It was Good Friday, a Bank Holiday, of course so this meant everything took that much longer. Not that I’m moaning, it was all to help mum but from the conversation with the support worker to mum being taken off in the ambulance was about 9 hours. I was exhausted, and so sad to see mum go off again because Cornish hospitals were still on lockdown so I couldn’t go with her. Or visit. I feel so sad knowing that that was the last time she was at home. A shout out here to my friend Annie, who is a GP, that gave me a lot of advice that day and reassured me I was doing the right thing. Thank you, in these instances it's so hard to know if what you're doing is for the best.

Over the next week there were multiple phone calls, between me & the hospital, me and family members, me & mum trying to keep on top of it all with the hope of getting mum into a hospital closer to where she lived. The community hospital where mum was, wasn’t the same one as she went to for her cancer treatment. She had an important oncology appointment coming up and I was doing my best to make sure that one way or another that appointment was kept so there would be an update on her treatment. The nurses and clerical staff were brilliant and assured me they were communicating constantly with mum’s oncology team, and I wasn’t to worry.

Friday 22nd April 2022. In the morning I made yet another call just for an update on mum and that they were still aware of the oncology appointments she had the following week. Same day, in the afternoon, I got a phone call.

Doctor: ‘Hello is that Lucy, Maggie’s daughter?’

Me: ‘Yes that’s me, how can I help?’

Doctor: ‘I understand you’re worried about your mum making her oncology appointments next week?’

Me: ‘Yes, I know mum’s been worried about them so just want to make sure everything’s being done to make them happen one way or another’

Doctor: ‘Ok. Well I’m ringing to let you know that those appointments no longer matter, it's not going to make any difference. Do you understand what I’m saying?’

And that’s how I was told my lovely, lovely mum wasn’t going to make it.

Me: ‘Yes, yes I understand’.

Doctor: ‘We’re now looking at end of life care’.

Me: ‘Ok. Are you able to give a timeframe, and can I see her? I don’t want her to be on her own’

Doctor: ‘In these instances I use something called “Would I be surprised if?”. Would I be surprised if she passed away tonight, no but then also I wouldn’t be surprised if she lasted another month. However, it’s likely to be sooner rather than later. And yes, now she is at end of life you can be at the hospital as much as you want.

Me: ‘Ok. So, I should call my brother then? He lives in the US’.

Doctor: ‘Well actually your mum said not to worry him’ (typical mum!)

Me: ‘Well I’m going to ring him’

Doctor: ‘I would too. Do you have any questions for me?’

Me: ‘Not right now. I’ve got phone calls to make then I’m going to come and see mum.

Those appointments aren’t going to matter anymore. They're not going to make any difference. Do you understand what I’m saying? I’m sure there’s no easy way to tell someone a loved one is dying but that was pretty brutal. One simple phrase that changed my world forever in less than 10 seconds. And now I had to be the person to change everyone else’s worlds and begun the job of ringing friends and family.

Dan, my brother, was the absolute priority. I didn’t want to talk to anyone else until I’d spoken to him. Earlier on I’d sent him an update that everything seemed to be in hand and that not much else would probably change as we were headed into the weekend. Boy was I wrong. ‘Conveniently’ Dan had a day off so was playing golf. With his phone switched off. Thankfully his lovely, lovely wife Denise got hold of his friend who he was with, and after a long 20 minutes Dan rang back. I kept just apologising because I knew that what I was saying was just as devastating to hear as it was to say. He said he’d be there as soon as he could. Both of us knowing that a huge amount could happen whilst he was travelling from the East Coast of the US.

And then I carried on with the phone calls to make sure everyone that needed to know did. In the midst of all of that mum rang me, I told her that the doctor had been in touch and that I was on my way down to see her. ‘Oh don’t worry about that Lucy, don’t feel like you have to come rushing down here’. Once again, typical mum, more worried about me than what she was going through. I told her that I really wanted to see her and she replied with ‘ok then, you do what’s best’.

It was an hour from Exeter, where I live, to the hospital where mum was. All the way down grateful that silly season hadn’t started in earnest, so the road wasn’t covered in ‘emmetts’ (tourists) but also on high alert in case I got THAT phone call. It was lovely to see mum, but I had to follow strict COVID protocols which meant not just a mask but gloves and a plastic apron. To this day I cannot for the life of me remember if mum ever saw me again without my mask on. I guess it doesn’t really matter but again that’s just something else that makes me feel sad.

Mum and I had a lovely chat about various things, to the point where I thought ‘f**k, does she know she’s dying? Do I have to tell her as well??’ but then she reminded me she didn’t want a funeral. Oh and that her grandmother had passed away in the same hospital.

When someone is that poorly, but you know how limited their time is, you are torn between wanting to spend as much time as possible with them but also giving them some time to rest. After a while mum kept drifting off (I probably wasn’t the most exciting of company!) so we said our goodbyes and I headed home. I made no mention that Dan was on his way, I didn’t want her to stress. Or tempt fate.

As I drove back I crossed everything that Dan would make it to England ok and that mum would live through the night to see him.

The following morning, Dan had arrived safely in England and mum had made it through the night. Phew. Dan got to Exeter around lunchtime, and we headed straight to the hospital. As we walked into Mum’s room, she just went ‘What on earth are you doing here?’ to Dan, to which he replied very casually, ‘well I just thought I’d pop over and see you’. Mum was of course, absolutely delighted. Over the next few days we fell into the routine of going down for the afternoon, reminiscing about everything with mum. Dan and his family had recently been on holiday, so mum loved seeing the photos. And me, well I had Harold.

During the first lockdown in 2020 I discovered I had a hedgehog living in my garden and mum thought it was the best thing ever and loved getting updates about him. 2021 there was no sign of him, and I remember mum sadly saying he must have moved on. Fast forward to 2022, on the Sunday evening once we were back from the hospital I was picking in washing from the garden (how the Jesus did I have the capacity to not only put a wash on but hang it out??) when I heard a load of rustling. And there was Harold!!!! I managed to get a quick video, excited about showing mum the next day but also started crying at the sad serendipity of it all. I walked back in to my flat still sobbing with Dan going ‘what are you crying about now?’. The next day mum loved the video, and it was great she could see him one more time. I appreciate it may not have been the exact same hedgehog from 2020 but where’s your sentimentality?

Those first few days Dan was there gave mum a massive lift. She was on top form, and at one point I pondered out loud to Dan that maybe I should have waited. Was I wrong to get him to rush over so quickly? We agreed that of course it was the right thing to do. But at the time you question everything.

One of the other things that mum enjoyed was seeing Dan & I together, and our various bickering (my car was too hot/my flat too cold/he’s too loud). I am very grateful that he’s a such a decent brother (although writing that risks me never hearing the end of that compliment). There’s no way I could have gone through any of that on my own. Dan loves Wine Gums, but they don’t sell them in the US, so I’d bought a load for the car journeys. On hearing this mum was quite put out that we didn’t bring the Wine Gums in with us. I said I could go and get them but then it transpired that what mum really wanted was Jelly Babies. Dan and I were incredulous, we’d never known mum to like Jelly Babies but of course we would buy her as many as she wanted. Those last few days that was the only things she ate. After she passed away, we were talking to our dad about it, and he said that when they’d first got together, she loved Jelly Babies. Well, there you go.

One of the harder things to get our heads around was that mum had made some passing comments about maybe being able to die at home. Mum had always been really clear about what would happen after she died but there was never a discussion about how she wanted to die (other than ‘if I’m plugged in to all kinds of machines just turn me off.’ Yes mum). As mentioned earlier everything deteriorated and happened very fast. Mum went from essentially being ok (with support) to needing to be in hospital and this all happened before we knew she was ‘end of life’. There was some back and forth between Dan & I, mum’s doctor, and mum. The Doctor’s perspective on it was that mum probably wouldn’t survive the ambulance journey home and that there wasn’t enough time to get everything in place that was needed. But that if that’s what mum really wanted, they could see what they could do to make it happen. Dan & I have one last conversation about it all with mum, and she conceded she’d be better off staying put. That was tough, it would be one of the last things mum wanted and it couldn’t happen.

COVID was still causing issues of course. Due to the strict rules initially only close family members were allowed to visit. Mum had some lovely friends who also really wanted to see her, but they understood the situation. Then, by some miracle, on the Monday the rules changed – anyone could come and see mum as long as it was only 2 at a time and they wore full PPE. Thank goodness. That same day, Kate (mentioned earlier) came to see mum. At the same time Dan & I were driving back to Exeter musing that mum had less energy that day.

Tuesday 26th April 2022. 1.30am(ish). My phone rings. It’s the hospital, ‘your mum’s breathing has changed, you should probably get down here’. They say you shouldn’t haven your favourite songs as your ringtone mine was, and still is, ‘Hammer to Fall’ by Queen. It’s very rare now I have my phone on any other setting than silent but when my ringer is on, I still get a jolt of panic thanks to that early morning call.

I woke Dan up, we got changed and headed down to the hospital as quickly as possible. All the while not knowing what we may find when we get there. It was about 3am when we arrived, on the way down Dan had rung Pete (mum’s husband). He didn’t answer so we texted his son Steve who lived nearby. Pete didn’t want to come to the hospital, but Steve would meet us there.

Mum was still alive when we got there as we quietly put on all the PPE for the millionth time and made our way through the semi-dark eerily quiet hospital. And for the next few hours Dan & I said a whole host of things to mum (who was asleep, unconscious?). Mainly how she didn’t have to worry about us anymore, she could go, and we loved her very much. This was interspersed with Dan & Steve having the most random conversations ever. It was all very surreal.

As the sun came up Steve had to leave to go to work and Dan and I passed out for a bit. He has a picture of me asleep curled up on two chairs in full PPE. Then the support staff kindly bought me coffee and toast and we sat there still talking to mum.

Then all of a sudden, she woke up. ‘What are you doing here?’ I explained the overnight staff were worried about her breathing, so we thought we’d pop down. Steve was here too, did you hear us chatting? No? Probably for the best as him and Dan were talking about all sorts at a bizarre time of the day.

Other friends and family wanted to come and see mum that day, so on checking mum was ok with it as well as the hospital staff, I liaised with them about coming down. Pete's daughter & son-in-law and mum's friend Delma. It was one of those bizarre scenarios where it was great to see them but terrible in such sad circumstances. Mum was delighted to see them all and have a chat.

During the afternoon Dan & I agreed we wouldn’t go anywhere now just in case. So that evening we took turns to go and get something to eat, whilst the other sat with mum. She and I chatted about random things. Including ‘the lady with the curtain trousers’. When I was about 14 mum & I went to Tesco’s to do the shopping and as we walked in, we clocked a woman wearing the most ridiculous pair of trousers that looked like a pair of curtains. They made us both crack up, and as we made our way around the shop everytime we saw her we’d burst out laughing again. Mum had a good chuckle at that and said something along the lines of ‘always remember the good’. That’s all you can do.

The hospital were fine with us staying the night but they weren’t set up with extra beds for family members etc. so they kindly bought us blankets and pillows to do the best we could. I can only sleep if I’m horizontal, so I piled up a load of blankets to sleep on the floor at the end of mum’s bed. Dan tried to get as comfy as possible in the chairs.

In the room next to mum’s was a lady with dementia (I’m assuming) who was very scared and throwing everything around her room and banging her chair up and down. The nurses were doing their best to calm her down but in the midst of all of that mum asked what was going on and Dan & I explained what was happening but that she was safe. That may have been the last thing mum ever said, once again worrying about everyone else before herself.

Non-surprisingly, sleeping on a hospital floor was not particularly brilliant. Especially as every couple of hours they had to do checks on mum, and we weren’t allowed to be in the room when those happened so had to get up and sit in the day room. At around 4am Dan & I agreed that if we did this every night, we’d be no use to anyone so first thing in the morning we’d try and find somewhere really close to the hospital to stay so we could get a bit of rest. Bearing in mind by this point that other than a few short bursts of sleep we’d been awake for more than 24 hours. A well intentioned night-time porter started listing off all the places we could stay whilst I was awkwardly thanking him but also making it clear (by slowly lying down on my hospital floor blanket bed) that I’d quite like to just go back to sleep now.

7am Wednesday 27th April 2022. As the hospital sprung back into life, I said I’d drive back to Exeter as fast as I could to grab stuff Dan & I would need to stay somewhere for a few days (bearing in mind we had barely bought anything with us when we left the day before), medication for both of us being the most important thing. My theory being the sooner I left the sooner I’d be back. I was about 20 miles from Exeter when Dan rang. ‘You need to get back here now, the Doctors reckon she’ll pass this morning’. FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK. What a stupid thing, why did I leave?? I came off at the next junction and headed south again as quickly as I could. Although I know for sure I broke some speed limits that morning. I got back to the hospital at about 9am ran from my car to the ward where mum was and started grappling at the roll of plastic aprons to put on. Fucking PPE. Bloody COVID. The nurses seeing the state I was in just said ‘don’t worry just go to your mum’. Whilst I’d been gone, they’d moved mum to a different room and put a picture of a butterfly outside the door so everyone was aware of the situation. I ran in. Mum was still alive but by this point I couldn’t breathe at all so Dan had to calm me down, so I didn’t hyperventilate. The sheer mixture or panic and relief was extraordinary but I was glad I made it back before anything happened.

We then sat and just talked to mum again. She was unconscious but we rattled through a whole load of topics, ranging from the view from her new room and the trees we could see to the fact that I was annoyed that Dan managed to get a sausage & bacon bap but by the time I went to buy some breakfast they’d run out of sausages. Some point late morning I decided to play her her birthday video again so she could hear all those messages of love one last time.

I’d never seen someone die before. It is truly horrible to watch someone you love be in so much pain, wanting it to be over for them but also not wanting them to go. This was nothing like what you see on the TV or in movies. No machines, just mum in bed occasionally being checked in on by nurses making sure she was getting enough pain medication. Oh, and lovely porters coming in and asking if we wanted a hot drink….and biscuits! Apparently, biscuits are cracked out in the final hours, although they were rich teas. Not that I’m ungrateful but when your mum is dying that does seem more like a hobnob or milk chocolate digestive occasion. Months later when the Queen died my brother texted ‘Do you reckon they got nice biscuits?’.

The death rattle is the worse though. These massive excruciating sounding deep breaths that suddenly stop and you wonder, is this it?? And this they start all over again.

Around 1pm suddenly they did stop. And didn’t seem to start again. I said to Dan that I thought this might be it and went to get the nurse. She came in and told us to say all of our favourite things about mum which we did whilst I held one of her hands (the other still being in a sling from the broken arm). And then the nurse said, ‘ok, she’s gone. I always ask family to say their favourite things at the very end as the hearing is the last thing to go so it makes sure the last things they hear are good things’. Throughout all of this it was so incredibly quiet, it was almost as if everyone on the ward knew it was the end. Even the lady with dementia was quiet, no shouting or throwing things around.

And that was it. Mum was gone. At just 70 years old. But at least she wasn’t in pain anymore. The nurse said we could stay with her as long as we wanted and there was no rush for us to leave.

We sat for a while, still talking to mum just in case but then agreed that we’d go and make all the various phone calls whilst the hospital staff did what they needed to do with mum.

Again, making those various phone calls was horrible but at least people were expecting them. But that probably doesn’t make things any easier. I was sat on a bench in the hospital garden when this little brown bird just came and hopped around by my feet for a bit. I’m not religious at all, but mum always loved birds so the hysterically tired and emotional part of me did wonder if that might be mum’s spirit saying goodbye before she flew off forever.

Back inside we said our final goodbyes to mum and then tackled the first part of admin that has to be dealt with when someone dies. The receptionist was explaining to us about the process & paperwork associated with getting mum from the hospital to the undertakers. All the while the lady with dementia was back, and in full swing. She’d gotten hold of a tea towel and was stood behind the receptionist flicking it at us whilst shouting ‘GET OUT GET OUT’. Don’t worry love, we’ll be on our way soon.

Dan & I then drove back to Exeter trying to get our head around the most horrific 48 hours. That evening we toasted mum with prosecco and strapped ourselves into the inevitable emotional rollercoaster that would have no end.

If you’ve made it as far as here, well done. I appreciate it was a lot to take in. My intention was to tell the story of mum’s final months and also highlight just exactly what they entailed. When someone dies people focus on the impact that person being dead has on those that loved them. What they might not realise is the lead up to the death is just as traumatising and horrific to deal with than the death itself. Selfishly, I also wanted to write this just so people realised what Dan & I had to go through. Not for anyone to feel sorry for us but just so they understand what a momentous thing it was, and that even though it’s been a whole year we’re still reeling. I know there'll be people out there who had to go through much much worse but that doesn't make our story any less valid. I don’t think you ever get over something like this, you learn to live with the pain and continue on making sure you do everything you can to honour that person’s memory.

Maggie Moyle Amazing mum, wife & 'Gi Gi' (grandmother). 05/04/52 - 27/04/22

Onwards and upwards.

[rachelbethhines]

60 Years of Doctor Who Anniversary Marathon - Martin: 8th Review

Doctor Who Island in Fortnite - Video Game

So over the weekend, my nephew taught me how to play Fortnite. An online multiplayer game that primarily focuses on third person shooting and hosts various games/events based around that core game play. It's mostly Free To Play, with in games purchases primarily being cosmetic additions. This means, a complete noob like myself can jump right in and potentially win without paying anything. However, there is a steep learning curve and lots of stuff to memorize in order to become good. Just to briefly go over the basics, in Fornite you have a battle royale type mode, which to my knowledge is the most popular way to play the game, and in it you run around collecting better guns and equipment to try and off your opponents. Last man standing wins. You get a pick axe to break things, and a build button to make a shield/fort with, a glider to help you navigate the map, and items you find can included weapons, support/healing articles, and even vehicles to traverse the over-world with. Said over-world will start to shrink over time, forcing players towards the center of the map. This way you can't just hide away till everyone else bumps everyone else off for you. I'm mean you can, potentially, but you have to still be on the move while doing so. You can't remain in one place without dying. From there other modes build off this core concept; like creative/build mode, team play, and collect-a-thons ect. For the the purposes of this review however I'll only focus on the modes for the Doctor Who DLC. 

The first mode is "Creative". It's a simple quest adventure where you collect crystals to fix the TARDIS with. You only need five crystals and there are multiple challenges that will give you such key items. Everything from simple quizzes, collecting things for NPCs, to easy platforming puzzles. It's not a very hard mode, and at the end of the quest you get a little cosmetic tattoo for your character. It would be my favorite mode if it wasn't for one very big problem. It's laggy as hell. The game ran fine in any other mode, both off and on the Doctor Who Island, but this one quest constantly kept freezing up on us. What should have been a quick 15 to 20 min. game turned into an hour slog of constant restarts.

The other three modes played a lot smother. First was Box Battle. All players are trapped in a single room with nothing but pre-assigned guns and the build button. The object of the game is to kill your opponents before they can kill you, while building mazes and forts to protect yourself. It's lasts for 10 short rounds and the person at the end with the most kills wins. This was my nephew's favorite mode, mainly because he kept beating me. I was less enthused, but that was nothing to do with the way the game played, and eveything to do with my lack of experiance and my dislike of the controls set up... which can be changed, but I just don't know how to yet. I will give the visuals prasie here though. Setting the box battle inside a giant Kerblam delivery box is inspired. 

Then there was the war mode. You either fought with the Daleks or the Timelords in a closed battle arena. Teams are chosen by the game, you don't get to pick, and each team has access to the same weapons sets, but you get to choose what you want from the selections on offer. This probably would have been a really fun mode with a large group of people, but sadly no one was playing but us two. We also couldn't figure out how to 'win/end' the game as there was no timer and you respawned when you died.  We finally agreed when we were ready to quit that my nephew won again as he had the most kills.

Final mode is just a 'museum' to walk around in. It's cute. The models do look nice, but there's nothing to really do there. All in all, it's a nice free to play game that, while not much, is still fun to play and is competently executed. If the lag issue could be fixed in mode one (and tbf that only happened during the day we decided to play and not others) and if you can get more of a group together for the Time War mode, this would a solid gaming experience.

[umichenginabroad]

Week 2: Worst First Day Ever.

¡Hola a todos!

Currently writing from a Flixbus on my way to Porto, Portugal! I just finished my first week of classes at UC3M, and it was an interesting experience to say the least. 

Registration 

If you recall, I was having some registration issues but they got figured out! I got all the classes I need, an ideal schedule, and no Fridays! I got super lucky because my professor was willing to let me switch sections because of a conflict. Two of my classes have required attendance which I’m a little scared for. In all honesty, I’m not very good about attending class at umich, so this’ll def be an adjustment. My classes also all start at 9/10AM and I’m not a morning person at all so it’s been rather difficult. 

I’m majoring in IOE so I’m taking my tech electives this semester: Into to Engineering Management (group D), Financial Management (group D), Industrial Organization (group A), and Spanish (humanities). I’m actually terrified for ind org because it’s a calc based Econ class and I’ve only taken Econ 101, but manifesting good outcomes (shoutout pass/fail <3)

The Commute

This program is a little interesting because you live in central Madrid but the university is well outside in Getafe (main campus) and Leganés (engineering). It ends up being 40 mins to an hour which is honestly a lot, but it’s been going by fast now that I know the route. I live in the Justicia/Malasaña area (very close to Sol/Gran Vía), so I take the metro and switch to the Cercanias (train), and then have a small walk. There’s also a city bus that connects the two campuses if you’re switching during the day. Its fun in the sense that I feel very city commuter core, but I know it’s gonna get annoying once school starts ramping up. 

I’m also really worried about timing. This week I left early because I wanted to make a good impression, but I know that’s not gonna happen everyday and professors will lock you out of class if you’re late. 

Terrible first day… but it got better 

Monday was genuinely the worst first day of school I’ve ever had. I left at 7:30 for my 9 AM because I was scared of being late. First class went great - I met an Erasmus student from France that gave me travel tips for Paris, and happened to sit next to a girl from Purdue who I’ll be interning with this summer. 

Then I had to find my Spanish class. It was torrentially down pouring and my freshly blown out hair was now just frizz. I couldn’t find the building for the life of me and ended up being 20 minutes late to class and soaked. 

Then it came time to commute to leganes. I left 1.5 hours early so I could figure out the bus and campus. All was going well until MY BUS GOT REAR ENDED. I had to get off, was fully stranded in the middle of a foreign city, and my phone was dying. Thankfully I found the next stop, and waited patiently for the next bus. Turns out you’re by supposed to wave down buses here, so the bus fully passed me and I had to wait for the next one. I eventually got on one and made it to leganes. 

Then I had to find my engineering management class. Leganes is a really confusing campus and I could not figure out the buildings. I only made it to class for the last 10 minutes. 

After all this, I was ready to go home. I walked over to the station and got on the train for two stops until I realized it was the wrong one. I got off and tried to switch platforms, but my metro card wasn’t working and the security guard had to swipe me through. I then got on the metro where an old lady was screaming at me in Spanish but I had no idea what was being said. I finally got home and slept for 15 hours. 

Everyday since has been normal and great tho! The route is memorized and all is well. I feel like it’s really easy to over romanticize study abroad, so it’s important to share both aspects. 

Fun highlights of the week!

Balancing fun and school is gonna be harder than I thought because I’m so tired, but I’m forcing myself.

On Tuesday we went to Chocolateria San Ginés,  a famous churro place in Madrid. They were delicious, especially the rich chocolate. Spanish churros don’t have cinnamon sugar so they were kinda plain, but still enjoyed. It was like 5€ for 6 churros which I feel like is a pretty good deal. We shared and 3 were pretty filling. 

We also went to this bar called Love Company that’s 80s rock themed. It was unique, but more expensive than I would’ve liked. 

Wednesday I finally went thrifting, which is one of the main reasons I chose Madrid! The vintage shopping here is pretty insane, and I just happen to live in Malasaña (best neighborhood for it). I didn’t buy anything because nothing really caught my eye, but I’m excited for it to get warmer so I can find summer clothes. 

Not pictured, but I tried a new restaurant called Tierra Burrito that’s essentially a Chipotle dupe, and it was amazing. Salsa was actually spicy, portions are huge, and very generous with the guac. As a top 25% Chipotle customer I needed a temporary replacement, and I’m glad I found it. 

Now I’m on my way to Porto, Portugal for the weekend with a few of my roommates and new friends! We don’t really have anything planned and it’s our first time staying in a hostel, so I’m excited to see how this works out. 

This was a very stressful week, but I’m excited to be back into a routine while still exploring Madrid. I’ll be sure to update on how our trip goes and any other sidequests next week! 

Hasta luego,

Nitya Chellury

Industrial and Operations Engineering

Universidad Carlos III de Madrid

Madrid, Spain