#I told them I would relapse because of the mess

[there-will-be-a-way]

My ergo therapist and a nurse drove me to my apartment today to be there for emotional support while I cleaned up the mess ex roommate left behind. The nurse said it was an act of aggression that ex roommate left his belongings at my place - same goes for pissing in my bed and all that.

Yesterday I received a text message from him, stating that the police is informed and that I should speak out. I ignored the message. Didn't do anything illegal meaning there's no reason to be afraid of the cops.

I feel battered nevertheless. Kind of defeated. Hopeless, sad, angery. Not just because of ex roommate but in general. Don't know how to climb out of this hole, this time. I always had a plan. Or an idea on what to do and where to go, but rn I just feel lost. Yeah, I'll go to the living group again but what then? My addiction will still be there. All the other stuff too. I'm putting my hopes in the rehab clinic I'll go to in a couple of weeks.

I just hope I won't be discharged tomorrow. Yesterday I got told they want to keep me here for a while longer so that I can learn to reach out for help and stand up for myself more. But part of me believes they'll just drop me tomorrow nevertheless. Kind of like it's often been.

Yeah, I might be triggered. Feeling raw, as if I have no skin. A nurse took my pocket ashtray because there's a weed leaf on it (yeah I'm cringe, I know) and it felt like the end of the world. These "everybody hates me, no one understands me, the whole world is against me" kinda feelings. Oh man.

[gay-dorito-dust]

Hi! I hope your doing well while you read this request! May I ask for HSR Men (Jing Yuan, Blade, Dan Heng, Welt and maybe Boothill) their reaction when after 2 weeks of disappearance from their s/o because of a mission, they came back to them all exhausted and slightly injured. If I can be more precise, can you describe how they acted when they had no news of their s/o et their reaction when they came back please?

Thank you for the attention you’ll give to this request ! I hope you’ll have a great day/night!

-🩵✨

This is a long one, so brace yourselves! And have a great morning/evening/night! 🦦🐿️

Blade

‘Where have you been?’ Blade hissed, anger laced his voice as he drags you to the nearest surface and eased you on it, keen to avoid worsening your wounds.

‘I was on a mission.’ You sassed, not wanting this to be your first conversation back from a near death experience.

‘I know that,’ he barks as he rummaged through the cabinets for a first aid kit, uncaring do the mess he was making in the process, ���you’ve been on a mission for two fucking weeks and not once did it come to mind to keep in contact during that time?’ He adds, looking at you with a look that wasn’t angry but instead scared.

Blade had spent the past two weeks going utterly insane form the lack of communication on your end. At first he didn’t think much but by day 12, Blade was more or less ready to included himself in your mission. Unfortunately according to Elio, this wasn’t apart of the script and Blade was made to stay on the sidelines and await your return.

It wouldn’t take long before you came home but you came home in the worst of conditions that Blade had ever seen you in recent memory, and that made him extremely upset. Not at you though, more or less at the person or thing that made those wounds on you.

Communications were down, I had no way of telling you anything.’ You replied, having already grown annoyed at his constant pestering and prodding.

‘Well you should’ve.’ Blade muttered gruffly as he gently took your arm into his hand and examined the wound and had to bite his tongue from saying anything else, but found that task to be a bit too difficult for him. ‘Then I could’ve stopped them from hurting you.’ He added.

You groaned and punched your brow with your free hand, all you wanted to do was go to sleep but couldn’t help but feel warm on the inside at the idea of Blade getting revenge on your behalf. ‘That’s not necessary.’ You told him, trying hard not to wince as he cleaned your wound.

‘And why not?’ He asks, noticing your attempts and wordlessly tries a different approach in cleaning your wound.

‘They’re all dead.’ You replied nonchalantly and Blade couldn’t help but smile. ‘That’s my partner.’ He says but the smile soon falls as he finished patching your wound and looks you dead in the eyes. ‘However the next time you’re sent on a long mission I’m coming with, no excuses.’

You groan again, there was no winning with this man.

Jing yuan was trusting in your abilities to keep yourself safe but the longer he went without update of you nor progression of the mission, Jing Yuan grew worried that something had happened.

He already lost a lot, he didn’t need your loss on top of all that. He lost hope on appreciating that he was living once, he knew that if anything happened to you he would relapse into those old ways but with no chance of recovery.

He would try and fail many attempts of making contact with you, only to be met with static as a responses which didn’t exactly help his hope in seeing you that slowly began to dwindle the longer he tried, until he stopped trying all together.

In his mind you were gone a long time ago and he should start his grieving while he could.

However you did come back, but not exactly in the best shape…you were wounded and exhausted but to Jing Yuan you never looked more alive in that moment as he was quick to get you medical attention. Not once did the general think to leave your leave your side as you laid out on the bed, wounds patched up and fast asleep from everything.

He even slept in the chair next to your bed, making sure your sleep went undisturbed and had a familiar face to wake up to as to not feel misplaced somewhere foreign. Jing Yuan didn’t feel entirely comfortable in leaving you alone during this time, especially when you’re vulnerable and susceptible to a plethora of things.

Not when he barely avoided a possibility of never seeing you again. He didn’t care for the reasons why you couldn’t contact him, those can wait for another time, he only cared that you were back by his side and alive.

So he’d fall asleep with his hand laced with yours and his head resting on your lap, acting like your personal guard dog as he kept his body facing towards the door in the instant he had to protect you.

No one would take you from him again, mission or not, you were staying by his side from now on, generals orders.

Dan heng didn’t think much when you didn’t reach out and tell him about the things you’ve found that he might like whilst away, however that didn’t mean he didn’t have a bad feeling about all of it.

He did but he couldn’t prove why as it was too early into the mission to say why he felt that way. Dan Heng always trusted his instincts when it came moments of uncertainty as they’ve always been proven correct. However this was the one time where he really didn’t want that to be the case.

Yet the longer he went without the regular flow of communication between the two of you during missions, Dan Heng felt himself break out into a cold sweat during the night and out of breath from experiencing another nightmare where you didn’t come back from this mission, leaving him utterly heartbroken and lost for the rest of his days.

He couldn’t close his eyes for a single second without the nightmare flooding back to haunt him of a potential future without you, his other half.

He even had nightmares where you were calling out to him for help but he couldn’t hear them and was forced by an higher power to ignore your soundless cries and walk away unbothered. Those were the nightmares Dan Heng hated the most as there would never be a moment in his life where he would ever leave you to such a cruel fate; He’d be more than gladly suffer with you than ever abandon you.

So the moment you came home wounded and exhausted, Dan Heng didn’t waste time in getting you to medical, taking everything the doctor told him to help you heal seriously as your newly appointed caregiver. Some of the time he came across as strict but he meant well as all he wanted was for you to get better and soon, seeing as how you gave him the biggest fright of his life.

He doesn’t let anyone else near you.

You can blame it on his dragon noodle side as it grew overprotective of the fact that you -his mate- were in seemingly left in a vulnerable state. He didn’t care to listen to the reasonings as to why he should let anyone else come near you, not without knowing their intentions in descriptive depth, he could take care of you himself perfectly fine and without any outside help.

He was your partner, you were his responsibility but this was all just an excuse to hide the fact that Dan Heng was genuinely scared of letting you out of his sight, even if it was for five minutes because a lot could happen in five minutes. So now he stays close to you from then on as a precaution, holding your hand in his and squeezing it as thought he was trying to convince himself that you were actually with him weeks afterwards.

Boothill didn’t like the idea of you being so far from him and much preferred for you to stay in contact if you were going to be so far away from him for so long.

However nothing seemed to want to go the way he wanted as soon as he found that he couldn’t contact you. None of his messages were going through and neither were his calls, as he read and reread the message that said you were out of the area for his messages to get through to you.

Boothill grew more and more restless the longer his texts didn’t go through, still claiming you were out of the area, whatever the hell that means and had to actively find ways to de stress because of how often he found himself on the verge of blasting anything and everything that moved.

You were his anchor, his partner in crime and his voice of reason, without you Boothill was teetering on the brink of becoming everyone’s problem should you spend even another hour more away from him.

So when you did come back with wounds scarred across your body and looking as though you were on the brink of collapse, Boothill was made more worried than before. Your wounds weren’t very deep nor life threatening but Boothill didn’t care, you were hurt and he wasn’t made aware of it for the past two weeks.

He wanted to hunt down the bastards who made those wounds on your body and make them pay, regardless if they had a bounty on their heads or not, he’d gladly hunt them down just to set an example as to why you don’t fuck with Boothill’s loved one.

‘Don’t.’ You croaked, grabbing his hand. ‘Just stay with me and make everything okay cowboy.’

Boothill, not one to argue with you, especially not in your current state, obeyed your wish and stayed by your side as you slowly but surely recovered from your wounds with scars left behind as reminders.

Though that didn’t stop him from going off behind your back to hunt the bastards down, he never could let go of a grudge after all.

Welt basically worried himself sick when he didn’t hear anything from you the first couple of days, but was soon talked down from doing anything rash that could potentially put you in even more danger, regardless of his intention of being by your side.

Welt was restless for the remainder of the two weeks, double checking his phone for anything that could push him over the edge and force him into acting.

What happened to you?

Why weren’t you responding?

Were you hurt?

Were you in danger and he didn’t know?

So many thoughts floated in welt’s mind as he was left feeling powerless as he was forced to await your return, hoping that all his thoughts were just that, meaningless thoughts that had no real affect in reality.

He was wrong.

You did come home but you came back with some new wounds and a face that screamed exhaustion. You barely took one step before collapsing into Welt’s arms as he got you medical help.

‘What happened out there?’ He’d calmly ask one day as he held your hand, thumb rubbing the back of it reassuringly.

‘Communications were down,’ you told him as you squeezed his hand, just happy to be back home and with him, ‘then the mission went south as I found myself out of my depth on several occasions, I’m sorry Welt.’ You finish weakly.

‘There’s nothing to be sorry for.’ Welt reassures as he presses a kiss to your forehead. ‘Not all missions go according to plan and all that matters right now is that you’re safe, so please don’t apologise for things beyond your control.’ He adds as he watched you slowly drift to sleep, still feeling a little exhausted from the mission and everything that happened.

Welt stayed awake for a little while longer to commemorate this moment to memory, to treasure it during the moments when you were to be apart from one another again, but until that time Welt would hold you as close as he possibly could and keep you safe to the best of his abilities. Your safety meant a lot to him and he’d rather jeopardise his own safety if it meant that you’d never get hurt again, he’d do it in a heartbeat because that’s just how much you meant to him and todays events only solidified that.

[princelylove]

Hello Your Highness!!! It’s been a while from me and I am extremely apologetic. I’ve had the thought of Leone and his addictions stuck in my mind. How does life with him go by with him being an alcoholic? Is there anything he may do while inebriated that he wouldn’t do sober? I love your writing and I’d love to hear what you think about this.

I'll forgive you, this once.

Life with an alcoholic is always going to be hard, especially if you love them. They say things they do not mean, they do things they usually wouldn't do. Alcohol is one of those things that depend on the person. Some people are whiny drunks, some people get really bitchy, some people want to fuck the can it came in, some people look at a stranger twice their size and think 'Yeah I'd win that.' Who knows.

Leone is addicted to harming himself. He just cannot stop. He tries, but he always ends up relapsing, no matter his support system. He always tells himself it could be worse, he could've went for something way harder, but a vice is still a vice, and alcohol hurts him just as much as he craves.

Leone is a crybaby when he's drunk. It's free humiliation. He weeps over the smallest of things- Guido told him to fuck off earlier when he asked for a slice of the pizza they ordered, and he was clearly joking because he still cut it for Leone, but Leone just can't stop. Everyone's so mean to him. Weird guy.

He'll work himself into a fit every time he's inebriated. There's always something to sob over. It's too bright in this room. You looked at him funny the other day. You hate him. He kidnapped you. You like Guido more. You like Narancia more. You think he's annoying. You didn't like the movie he put on. You think the music he listens to is stupid. The oven beeped. There's a bird outside and life is beautiful and maybe he shouldn't kill himself. The doorbell rang. There's a commercial on the television about puppies dying and needing a home. He's a weak man.

It really depends on why he's drinking- sometimes he just cries the whole time, sometimes he desperately wants you to manhandle him and turn him into a whore. It really depends. He's a bit moody, you can't really tell if he's going to cling or if he's going to hide from you beforehand. It's usual for him to both hide and hover, but the touching is new. Some days you may not even see him, other days you can't get him off of you. Arms around your waist, head on your shoulder, buried into your neck. He loooves you, why can't you love him, he's so obsessed with you....

He'll just zone out thinking about you taking him, sometimes. Drink in hand, staring at your face while you talk to him about- God, he has no idea. He just can't stop thinking about you inside of him. If you don't have the proper tools for it, he'd buy you one. A pretty one, with a nice harness, in whatever color you wanted. He'd take a pretty pink strap-on with a bow at the base if that's what you were into. Oh, yeah, sure, he can cook later...

He'd never actually be so clingy with you when he's sober. 'Sober.' He doesn't deserve to touch you, he doesn't deserve to be near you, but it's like his hands move on their own. They never go where they want to go- your waist, your hips, your legs... but they do grab quite a bit. He feels a sort of shame even when he's drunk, but he's genuinely just trying to be as close as possible. He wants your bodies to merge so he can never let you go. He's not being handsy- handsy would be if he groped you, or moved your clothes- he's just being touchy because he loves you.

None of that is really bad, is it? He's not really making moves, because Leone hates himself too much to really go for it. He could grope you, he could force something, but he's never going to. It's always just hugs and shoving his face into you, he doesn't even kiss. Or inhale too much. Maybe just a little.

The issue is when you take it away from him, because he's a giant mush and nothing gets done when he's just making a mess of himself all day.

His hangovers are pretty bad. Usually he makes a 'cure' for himself in the morning and deals with the consequences, but usually that just means another, smaller glass. So resourceful. If he doesn't have any, he gets bitter, and alllll of the hard work he put in to make you believe he's genuinely a mush is getting washed down the drain.

It's probably the first time he outright insults you or tells you to shut up. His head hurts, beat it. Of course he regrets such a thing later- you're divine, he never should've spoken to you like that, but he'll do it again the second he hasn't had a drink in a while. What a worthless, spineless bastard that doesn't deserve you. Maybe he should hurt himself in other ways.

Just kidding, that man is never letting himself run out of wine. The real issue is his lack of consideration for anyone but himself. It's selfish to get absolutely wasted every day and pawn the responsibility of an entire human being onto somebody else. An entire human being, that's probably scared out of their mind, doesn't know where anything is, and probably hates him for what he's done. God. He doesn't deserve grace, of course he always ends up in a pile on the floor. A man of his caliber should never be near good things- he doesn't deserve the clean up. Just toss him in the trash, where he belongs. Ohh, that's too much to put on you, he'll do it himself.

It's nearly impossible to get anything done without him. It's unfair to Guido- who VOICES that it's not fair to him- to put all the housework on him because he wanted a drinky drink. Guido didn't ask for a whole other person! This is such bullshit! He's a busy guy, do your part of the chore chart, dude! They've got a ton of jobs to do- he's not working two different repo jobs in a day just to come home to a sink full of dishes and no spoons left. Grow up, dude.

Leone's darling can make themself useful and help out, but it'd just make him feel worse. Of course you're picking up after him now. He's such a burden.

When he sobers up enough, he'll fix everything without a word, and pretend nothing happened.

[youngparadisedonut]

Please come back.. I need my comfort page.

Those fans are now throwing the race card once again for Carlos cause they don’t like how some people write fan fiction..

The face that we can’t criticize characters anymore without getting told we’re racist is embarrassing 

Right now I'm in the process of looking for a new show to obsess over, so I don't know what is happening. I’m not gonna watch the new season and I stopped following the Lone Star tags.

I can talk about what I observed/felt when I was part of the fandom, though.

People are allowed to criticize Carlos because of his actions. It’s ok to still be angry/upset at his character for how he behaved in the Carlos Being Married With Iris Storyline. Yeah, Carlos has every right to be flawed (he’s human), but the problem was never about him being flawed – the problem was that he never acknowledged how unfair he was to his partner.

So here why I don't like Carlos.

1. Carlos never told TK he was already married until it was too late. He simply accepted TK’s proposal and decided to keep the secret.

2. Carlos was only honest with TK after that because he had no other choice, and then when he finally was open with TK about it he decided that it would be a very good idea to have this very delicate conversation in TK’s workplace in the middle of TK’s shift.

3. Carlos saw nothing wrong with Iris thinking it was her place to approve/or disapprove TK.

4. Carlos made wife jokes even if was clear TK was so not comfortable with that and never once acted like he regreted hiding this from TK.

5. Carlos put all decisions about the divorce (something that affected his and TK’s future) in Iris  hands (someone who was a stranger to TK).

6. Carlos blamed TK when Iris went missing. Whenever TK had a conflict with Carlos (meeting Carlos parents, how uncomfortable Carlos was with Cooper), TK is always so understanding (even if sometimes he is angry first and needs to cool of a bit, he always comes back to talk things) and validates Carlos feelings, but Carlos? He was so hostile.

7. That Carlos comment about bad relationships that was obviously directed at TK that you all like to ignore, guess what? It happened.

8. Carlos never apologized for any of this. He never recognized to TK that he was wrong and TK had nothing to do with Iris missing, he never admitted that he treated TK badly. How can I be expected to be go past that when Carlos never acknowledge what he did?

For me those are valid reasons for not liking him.

Because TK is not perfect. He made a lot of mistakes, but he always (or at least most of the time) admits them and apologizes.

I defend TK so much because I don’t think a part of the fandom truly understands how addiction can affect someone.

Thing is, there’s this mindset in the fandom that Carlos was this defenseless boy who chased after TK, when this wasn't never the point. Not only TK had his heart broken, he relapsed. That’s a lot. He had reasons for not wanting to jump in a new relationship, and he was upfront about this with Carlos. He was clear about his boundaries. And if he never wanted something serious with Carlos in the end? He would also be valid. He owned Carlos nothing but being truthful, which he was.

TK is considered immature and childish when a lot of this traits (his impulsiveness, for example) are direct connected with his addiction. And what Iris said about TK being a mess and a project that you guys think its so funny? It's so problematic, harmful and could be triggering, especially because it’s directed at someone who deals with addiction.

But for those who act like Carlos should not be criticized, fear not. TK major character trait since season 4 is being in love with Carlos. It’s so obvious that from now on TK main role will be to support Carlos, and I doubt that at this point he will have a storyline of his own.

[randaccidents]

GIVE ME YOUR PLAN FOR RELASPE

GIVE IT TO ME

GIVE IT TO ME

GIVE IT TO ME

GIVEY NOWYYY

evil hands rubbing together emote

SO RELAPSE. THE PHASE DIRECTLY AFTER HOPE.

Remember when I said in the PSA that Heartless gets worse? This is that worse. This is that deepest part of the pit the au gets. So that means TWs for: suicidal ideation, themes of attempted suicide, self harm

Its a little long because of the main event in focus BUT I can still give you the summary (proceeds to write the longest thing possible this arc is MASSIVE and I have SO MANY THOUGHTS to keep it coherent)

Relapse starts with the first argument between Heart and Perseverance since Apathy. Heart has been awake consistently for awhile, but his progress has been stagnating and Perseverance has Suspicions. Especially with how hungry Heart has gotten for affirmation that he is needed and wanted.

And like the Mind that he is he uses a brute force approach. Straight up demanding to know what's going on, because they have tried everything so clearly the problem must be Heart. (metaphorically he relapses into old habits of being too cold and inconsiderate)

While Penitence does smack him over it (overprotective smh), this brashness is more familiar to Heart than them tip toeing around him and he responds in kind (and anger. A Lot Of Anger.) Hilariously, Perseverance is pretty thrown off by the argument because its been MONTHS since he's been in one, while from Heart's perspective its only been a couple of weeks.

During the argument, Heart accidentally lets slip some concerning views he holds about himself, and when he tries to backpedal Perseverance grabs ahold of the words and goes "nope. dealing with our problems right here and now", so Heart lets loose with ALL of the emotions and negativity he felt in Apathy. YOU told me emotions weren't needed. I'm just doing what you told me to do and left the unwanted part of myself in Apathy.

And this admissions HORRIFIES Penitence, who had never asked about what Heart and Mind talked about during Apathy. Perseverance meanwhile is desperately backtracking and trying to take back words said months ago, but Heart just presses down further in his anger. Penitence attempts to break them apart and gets Heart's anger turned on him. YOU abandoned me in the pit and allowed Mind to insult me. You're equally at fault.

It's a rough argument. I also intend for Perseverance to unintentionally be manipulating Heart's emotions and guide him towards giving them a solid answer, and that Heart would notice this and get angrier. Because Perseverance is using the logical "if I can push him into messing up" and deliberately saying the most pointed little things. This is the WRONG THING TO DO because he triggers Heart, and its just like the pit again with Mind insulting and ignoring his emotions again. Although to be fair to Perseverance, Heart finally yells at him about how he doesn't want to be the Emotional Side anymore.

And Penitence jumps in with a YOU ABANDONED YOUR ROLE? It's mostly generalized horror at the very physical side effects on Heart, but to Heart it reads like a rejection of his autonomy and decisions. Because oh, he fucked up, now they know he was weak enough to give up. Part of the stagnation was that he doesn't feel like they've changed at all, and now his stupid emotions are getting him judged again. So, he doubles down. And also restarts the process of rejecting the Emotional Side. WHILE PERSEVERANCE AND PENITENCE ARE IN THE ROOM TALKING TO HIM. Heart is a really good actor when no one is paying attention to him properly.

This argument makes it pretty clear to Perseverance and Penitence that for all the progress they think they made, they forgot to make sure Heart experienced the same progress. Because Heart still doesn't think the Emotional Side is necessary.

Perseverance and Penitence try to argue Heart down from his decision. Perseverance's desperation makes him more blunt and cold, while Penitence keeps asking what rejection of the Emotional Side accomplishes. And boys, that is not what you want to tell a suicidal person. They're all falling into old habits of arguing with Penitence trying to break them up, and none of them notice Heart begin to physically fade as the argument drags on.

The argument only ends when Penitence bodily drags Perseverance out of the room. When he returns he finds Heart having relapsed. Not fully: they did leave a spark of hope in Heart that he is wanted. But enough to slip into random bouts of unconsciousness.

Yall read the chicken plush story yeah? This is a devastating blow to their progress. Penitence blames Perseverance for going with a brute force option. Perseverance blames himself for doing that instead of thinking things through. Heart refuses to meet Penitence's glance or willingly talk to him. It's a massive disaster.

Perseverance wants to apologize. Except. Penitence won't let him. Or talk to him. Or willingly interact with him. Or looking after him.

Penitence is using old tricks: when Heart and Mind argue, separate them and ignore the one at fault for a week (in a metaphorical sense relapsing into old habits). He blocks Perseverance from Heart's room even when he wants to apologize, look he tried with a plush even.

It is very similar to how Penitence physically separated them during ROE and after via Apathy, and how he ignored Heart then. I hope you see where this may be going.

Perseverance inevitably runs out of things to do, having fallen out of habit in the weeks Heart has been awake, and Heart believes that Mind hates him. Because while separation of the halves is a tried and true method, this is not a normal situation. Perseverance feels bad enough already and it fuels his already bad overwork and lack of self-care, and it leaves him alone with his thoughts because he needs to find a solution, this is his fault so its his problem to fix, and he finally has the correct information.

And when he runs out of things to do the only thing left is to sit in his room and think. And as he feared from the start, thoughts turn to emotions turn to tears. And Penitence isn't there to help him through the messy explosion of grief and guilt that has been bottled for months that he feels as physical symptoms. He tries to redirect himself towards logical thinking, but the last thing he was thinking about was Heart rejecting the Emotional Side, and it sends him careening down the entirely wrong spiral of thought, including a lot of questions that a less vulnerable him would have stopped dead in its tracks before he could ponder on them.

You know, questions like, say, "what are the benefits of rejecting something that fundamental to you?", or "is it really such a bad thing? he still fulfills his physical purpose.", or "can I do that too? its not something limited to Heart is it?"

Yeah. The Wrong Path Of Thought. With a disturbingly Logical Conclusion. If he rejects the Logical Side, replicates Heart's decision? He will have peace from his thoughts, it will prevent him from making another mistake with Heart, and he will be less of a burden on Penitence by removing the need to look after him. Three birds, one stone. He mentally frames it as protecting his halves from himself. He ignores that it would probably shatter Penitence the same way Heart already did.

He doesn't make the decision immediately, but the thought plagues him. Penitence doesn't notice his changed behaviour and continues to block him from Heart. There A Thought: Penitence might not notice if he does go through with it. Another Thought: did Heart also consider that when he rejected the Emotional Side?

(Ironically, Perseverance reaches a similar conclusion and reasoning that Heart did in Apathy from a different angle. It would help the other halves if I was only my Physical Function, because my Metaphysical Function is harmful because I am harmful. And no one would notice when I do fade away.)

And he might have done it that night, if not for a misshapen chicken plush sitting on his desk. Perseverance wants Heart to have his apology. It takes another day to figure out the time to sneak into Heart's room, leaving the plush behind with a kiss to its head.

He doesn't lock his door when he returns to his room, Penitence hasn't checked on him in nearly a week now and he's confident they won't come now. He lies down in bed and tries to reject the Logical Side.

Key word being tries. Like Heart he struggles for awhile against the instinct to shy away from internal rejection, and then another while longer struggling to actually commit the rejection because he keeps approaching it logically. It takes time for the emotions of loneliness and sadness and tiredness to actually take hold and begin hollowing his brain.

You read the chicken plush fic right? This is a reminder that you read the chicken plush fic. That Heart, feeling more accepted because of the plush clearly made for him, demands Penitence let Perseverance in. Penitence, sent by Heart to bring Perseverance, walks in on his attempt. He notices that something's different both because Perseverance has become a light sleeper and because Penitence has spent the last few months recording and becoming familiar with the relevant vital signs, and panics. He slaps Perseverance awake (left the trident in Heart's room and didn't want to waste time or worry Heart grabbing it), interrupting his attempt. It is its own shock when Perseverance, scarily slow to realize he's failed and been discovered, only responds to being shaken by rolling over and hiding his face, refusing to speak.

Perseverance remains hollow, flipping violently between blankly staring at a wall and quiet mutterings of his logical justifications for his actions, all seemingly without recognizing Penitence's presence. Penitence has to shake him out of bouts of too long zoning out, much too similar to Heart's unconsciousness and growing closer each time.

Penitence is left to make up excuses for Heart and attempt to prevent BOTH his halves from falling off the edge into rejection. Heart may be getting better, but Perseverance is getting worse at the same time. He starts struggling where before he had Perseverance's help, not quite knowing where some things in the house are kept as the house gets messier and messier. Heart keeps bugging him about Perseverance, and everything is falling apart around him faster than he thought it could. He's going through bandages and gauze faster than before and his arms are starting to tremble from how often he's cutting and tearing open wounds. He's caught himself considering his legs as a new canvas at night. He unlocks his drawer and stares at the bloody noose he buried inside every night before locking it away again. The smile he puts on for Heart grows frailer by the hour.

(and here's the part that I'm a lot more unclear about whoopsie)

Inevitably, Heart grows frustrated at Penitence's lies and dodging around the question and yells at him, starting another argument. Except its less of an argument and more shoving Penitence headfirst over his own edge (again) into a major mental breakdown because everything is falling apart and its all his fault for being neglectful and ignorant and now they both hate him as much as he hates himself and he can't handle the stress of two terminal patients alone and the noose is looking incredibly tempting right now doesnt Perseverance rejecting himself means he's given up and they can finally die?

Heart picks up that something is deathly wrong when Penitence crumples to the floor like a wet rag sobbing and clawing blindly at his throat. Because the Soul he remembers is much more resilient than this and can take being yelled at. The Soul he remembers doesn't break down in front of him in pained screaming and turn violent hands on themself.

Heart shoves himself off the bed to stop and comfort Penitence, and finds out what's been happening in the house over the past few days from their shattered whimpers. With some difficulty, Heart manages to convince Penitence to let him try something, calming him slightly, and Penitence carries Heart (and his chicken! the chicken is important) to Perseverance's room.

A little bit mentally unclear on this sequence, but I want Heart to sit next to Perseverance and hug him, chicken placed in its lap, to apologize for being cruel and ask him to come back so he can properly thank it for the gift. I want Penitence to sit on Perseverance's other side at Heart's insistence and quietly apologize to them both for neglecting them all like that and promising to do better. For Perseverance to slowly, with their encouragement and love, come back to them and start crying, quietly apologizing for starting another argument with Heart and all the insults he threw during Apathy, and for abandoning Penitence. For them to promise to do better by each other and help each other get better, because all of them almost shattered alone.

That this collective trio of support is going to be what breaks them out into the Recovery phase of Heartless. Because they were never going to heal without being a trio. It had to be Heart, Mind and Soul together helping each other.

(and of course, Heart asks Perseverance if it used one of his dang hoodies for the chicken, to its quiet embarrassment. yes it did. it got them all laughing as Heart shoved the chicken plush into its face in revenge.)

Oh and fun fact! This was the original ending of the AU, not inclusive of the healing. Before I decided I wanted the AU to involve healing, this was where the AU deadended. Heart fully relapses, Perseverance entirely gives up, Penitence upon discovering both of these hangs himself. But the healing is SO much more satisfying :D

[bullet-prooflove]

Proposing: Sean Archer x Reader

Tagging: @kmc1989 @emilyjr @toasted-stiletto @icefrye19 @to-grow-in-and-to-love 

Based on an ask about how Sean, Dean, Alden & Dwayne would recieved from my babe @mandy426. Each one of these got really long so I decided to publish them as individual posts.

Sean is a traditionalist, he will speak to your mother/father beforehand to ask their permission. Due to his past addiction issues they’ll say no, he’s not good enough for you. They assume he’s going to relapse at some point in the future and they don’t want their daughter caught up in all of that which devastates him.

In the past a setback like this may have proved to be a self-fulfilling prophecy but instead he goes to Dean’s house and pours his heart out to his father.  Dean is pissed off and appalled and reminds Sean of how far he’s come, how much he’s accomplished.

The next day when you meet up for breakfast, he holds your hand and he tells you what happened, how much he loves you, how much he wants to build a future with you but he doesn’t want to cause a rift in your family.

You remind him that your parents have always been extremely judgemental and controlling, it’s the reason you were so eager to leave when you hit eighteen, the reason it took so long to introduce them. You tell Sean you’re in love with him and you believe in him, that won’t change because your parents don’t think you should be together. The more official term you use is ‘fuck them’.

Meanwhile Dean who can not keep his nose out of this shit goes to see your parents and reads them the riot act. He fully intends to be calm and rational, explaining how much Sean loves you but your parents won’t listen and it devolves. It ends up with them calling him a terrible parent and telling him there isn’t a chance in hell Sean will ever be a part of their family. They call you the next day and tell you if you don’t break up with Sean then you can’t be in their lives. You tell them that’s not going to happen. Sean feels absolutely terrible about this whole thing. Proposing is now the furthest thing from his mind because he thinks he’s going to mess it up, because the whole thing has been a disaster.  

It's a couple of weeks later the two of you take a walk through the park on your way home. It’s early evening and the trees are lit up with fairy lights as you walk hand in hand. It’s one of Sean’s favourite places, he loves being around nature and the lighting makes it feel romantic and magical. You pause in front of the tree that you picnicked under in the summer, the place where Sean first told you that he loves you. You take both his hands in yours and you tell him you adore him, that he’s the only person whose ever made you this happy, that you can’t imagine your life without him. Then you get down on one knee.

You don’t have a ring but that doesn’t matter to Sean, all that does is that the woman he loves wants to marry him. He says yes.

Love Sean? Don’t miss any of his stories by joining the taglist here.

Like My Work? - Why Not Buy Me A Coffee

[sarah-denial-cq]

It's been a few months, how is Sarah doing? cw SA, addiction, family health issues, bigotry.

Fair warning: this isn't a sexy post. We'll try to get back to those when we can.

So first things first, I went off denial in November, meaning my 2023 denial period was about eight months of edging, teasing, serving, and zero orgasms. I'm really happy about it, it was fun and made me feel good, and I met tons of wonderful people in the community. I don't know when I'll next start medium-term denial again but I hope I get a chance to.

Anyways, I stopped in November because I had just so much going on personally that it was impossible to devote the energy and wound-up tension that denial creates in me to its practice. Work became more and more stressful. I was "promoted" at work, taking on responsibility for over twice as many people and deliverables, and was given no raise and also a new manager between me and my previous manager, who I had to train in addition to my new responsibilities. In addition, a close family member started radiation treatment for cancer. For the first time in my life, I didn't visit my family for the holidays, because political developments have made it unsafe for me to travel to where they live.

And then Megan assaulted me.

I was sharing a hotel bed with her - as friends - and woke up on the last day in the morning feeling her fingers groping me. I didn't know what to do, I froze and kept my eyes closed and waited for my alarm to go off and got up and went to work and then flew home. The next couple days are kind of a blur. I relapsed into a finsub addiction and sent a bunch of money to someone. I think Rose and I might have had sex that next day but I'm kind of not sure. I ended up talking to Megan about it a few days later.

"No, I didn't do that. I wasn't groping you. That didn't happen."

I told Rose about what happened. I was extremely nervous and also felt so stupid because all the tropes around women like me were playing out. I had imagined it. I had done something to lead her on. I was making a huge deal out of some minor petting. I was going to lose a friend over something that wasn't worth losing them over. I was going to blow up Rose's relationship with Megan and she wouldn't get to fuck my hotter friend anymore and it would be. My. Fault.

Eventually, things have cooled off a little. I talked to Rose and we made each other feel better. I talked to Megan and explained that I don't know or care why she thinks it didn't happen, but I think it did, and it can never happen again. Rose is still going to fuck Megan because she's hotter than me. Megan is still going to come stay at my apartment for several days this weekend. I'll probably be kicked out to the guest room while they fuck in the master bedroom.

I'm still struggling with the addiction relapse, and feeling guilty and sad about the really good friendships I made here during denial that I've been too messed up to maintain, and whether I still have value as a girl not in denial. But I trust that things heal with time. And nothing - *nothing* - is going to take away from the fact that Rose is going to *marry me* this year. Even with everything that's happened I'm the luckiest girl in the world.

I'll post some more soon, I hope.

xoxo Sarah

[3rdsday]

Okay I gotta go to bed but I had an idea for a long fic that I'm definitely never going to write because I know better than to attempt a longfic I'll never finish lmao

This might be incoherent I'm just gonna ramble about the idea for a second

Imagine if Bill is still in Stan's mind after the memory gun but he's lost his memories too. And at first aside from the amnesia (which in this hypothetical would take longer for him to recover from) Stan seems like himself/there's no trace of Bill, but the first time Stan goes to sleep/wakes up outside of the Mystery Shack (outside of the unicorn hair spell) he wakes up with no memories again like he had been right after Weirdmageddon. And everyone assumes he's just relapsed on his memory recovery, but then a pattern starts where sometimes Stan will wake up with some of his memories gradually coming back and acting like the guy everyone knows, and sometimes he will wake up with no memories aside from what he's been told and acting differently.

Bill would have no idea that he's Bill, and based on what he's been told he genuinely thinks that he's Stan who can't remember again. And Stan fully believes that he wakes up some days confused and without the few memories he's regained, and doesn't question being unable to remember what he did on days like that. It doesn't help that everyone's trying not to mention Bill, and that none of them question the idea that Bill is gone.

Eventually it would click that there's something up with Stan, the two distinct versions growing more obvious as Stan regains his memories and as Bill is able to recall things from other times he's been awake but not anything from Weirdmageddon or sooner. Ford's initial theory is that the memory gun caused some kind of psychological damage to Stan's brain that manifested as something like DID, but not too long after that theory Bill does something (unaware of it) that makes Ford realize that he's Bill.

Everyone freaks out and assumes that the amnesia stuff on Bill's end was just an act and that he's planning something. But eventually they figure out that not only are Bill's memories gone, so are his powers. He is fully contained within Stan's mind and body.

Ford wants to kill him somehow but everyone discusses things and it's decided that killing someone who doesn't even remember doing anything wrong is messed up. So the rest of the story would be about Stan and Bill reluctantly learning to work together so they can both survive and function (they hate each other lmao) and Bill navigating things with the Pines, who all hate him but haven't fully explained what for.

I don't think redemption is quite the right word for how Bill would end up, it's more like he's powerless and mortal and doesn't remember the vast majority of his life (the new human brain he shares with Stan would probably not be able to comprehend most of his memories anyway) and so he's still a self absorbed piece of shit who only cares about himself but can't exactly cause problems on a large scale. So he copes by just antagonizing the Pines (and totally not missing when they were nice to him because they thought he was Stan).

[idkwidatp]

Sk8 the infinity headcannons.

(⚠️tw for mentions of sh and ed)

• reki is transmasc

• Miya is a theater kid and was a gacha kid. He will randomly quote heathers out of the blue but it's never like semi-normal ones it's always like "what do think I'm gonna do with it take out her tonsils? I think I know heather a little bit better than you and if she were to slit her wrist the knife would be spotless. Is that better? can you see your fuckin' reflection in the thing?!" And everyone stares at him like:

●miya was really worried about reki when him and Adam beefed for the second time and had nightmares about about it for a while after it happened and he didn't tell anyone but one time he slept over at reki's house with langa and had one of these nightmares and he kinda had to tell them after that.

• Miya bullies kids on Roblox constantly

• Miya does the beach thing any chance that he gets when Joe is flirting with girls. Cherry has actually asked him to do it multiple times, because he's jealous and will not admit is but Miya knows.

• There have been multiple times where Miya has called Joe and Cherry 'mommy' and 'daddy' by accident unironically because he's made a habit out of ironically calling them that when joe is flirting with girls or when he just feels like messing with them

• Miya has an eating disorder and it went from him just eating things like protein bars to barely eating anything at all and one time when he had a beef at s he actually passed out because he had barely eaten in days and they all took him to the hospital and they were told that he was malnourished and they talked to him about it and it took a second but he did open up about it after a while and they had a group hug and everyone was very supportive of him and sweet about it and at every milestone reki is always the one that happiest for him like miya will be like "i've been clean for a month now! :)" and reki just takles him in a hug like "IM SO PROUD OF YOU!!!!!!!!!!"

• Reki has a past of self harm and he relapsed when he had that falling out with langa but he's clean now

• Miya and koyomi are besties and are constantly menaces to reki

(can you tell who my favorite character is?)

• one time reki got hurt skateboarding and it wasn't to big of an injury but it also wasn't a minor injury either and they took him to the hospital and Miya was obviously very anxious but Everytime that joe or langa would ask if he was okay he would just brush it off and say he was fine and then reki came out and said he was fine it was just a minor concussion Miya tackled him in a hug like "thank God!" And reki goes "are you crying?" And he says no but but definitely is and then he goes "idiot, slime...... I am glad you're okay though" and later when Miya isn't around reki's like "I forget he's only a kid alot of the time because he's so mature" and it's not because worrying about him is inherently childish but because that wasn't the way anyone else reacted and no one else was as worried as Miya because he's a kid and doesn't have the same reasoning as that an adult or even just someone older than him would have

• Miya plays stardew valley and he has only ever married seb and that's only in one save file and in every other save file he's roommates with krobus

• Miya's parents aren't abusive or neglectful he just has a dad whose work schedule is all over the place and a mom who travels for work alot so he just doesn't see them alot but he does have a good relationship with them

[horsetailcurlers2]

YET ANOTHER long and obnoxious stream of my thoughts while watching grey’s anatomy for the first time (season 14 because i’m still hanging on by a thread)

-why did megan hunt have a fresh coat of mascara and some lip gloss on when she got flown in with her gaping abdominal wound LMAO

-teddy!!!!!

-i absolutely think they should tell megan about meredith and riggs and let her make an informed decision on whether she wants meredith to be her surgeon. this is greys anatomy, of course there’s gonna be a conflict of interest. they’re making this more complicated than it needs to be.

-somebody tell me when the show stops being worth watching. so far i’m hanging on bc i’m mildly interested in how jo and alex turn out, i want teddy and amelia to interact, and i’ve warmed up to arizona since she broke up with callie. obvi i love meredith i just don’t know how much more they can do with her before i just want her to take a warm bath and retire to somewhere far far away with her children.

-did amelia relapse offscreen???? wtf is going on???

-okay she has a tumor i guess. sure, okay, whatever. !!!!

-she put a gun in her !!!!!!!!! for a man???

-i don’t love the way they’ve introduced the new intern class. they set it up as if we already know them, whereas i feel like with every other class of interns we’ve gotten eased into it a bit more before we’re just tossed into this unfamiliar dynamic

-okay but wait i do like that in this ep w the roller coaster (and the people who are supposed to be baby cristina, george and izzie) they referenced the old intro. i think the writers knew they needed a little nostalgia to hook people back in at this point. jury is still out whether or not it’s working on me.

-maybe i’m stupid but why in the fuck would they have so many important things dependent on one networked computer system. why on earth would cardiac monitors be hackable?????

-idk about maggie/jackson…. seems too incest adjacent

-the casual gaslighting and manipulation with paul stadler is so well written

-“jackson avery, you are such a disappointment, i thought you were woke!!!”

-genuine question: do they just not do chemistry reads on this show when they cast romantic interests???

-*choked up*”right before she died, she told me i should be more slutty. and i just wish i could call her and tell her how slutty i’m being” i really do love maggie

-maybe i missed it but why does carina have an italian accent but andrew doesn’t?

-i like the development of jo and meredith’s relationship

-i think meredith and this firefighter woman should kiss on the mouth

-i like april better now that she’s kind of a mess

-OOH wait does helm have a little crush on meredith bc i’m kind of obsessed with that

-if there’s one thing greys usually kills it with its casting younger versions of characters for flashbacks

-i miss joe the bartender :(

-oh my god he gives them fake cancer so he can charge them for fake chemo?????? what the fuck

-too much of an emphasis on these lesbian cookies…. suspicious

-okay yeah that makes sense. i love this

-nurse olivia!!

-olivia of course has a right to still be upset but it’s a little weird to assume alex didn’t change at all in the past ten years. not to mention it’s weird to act morally superior about it now when she cheated on george with alex

-“if you wanna rebuild you have to tear it down first” bingo

-did i miss amelia getting her own place or is she taking this girl to meredith’s house??

-okay i guess she’s just moved in with owen again. i need to pay better attention lol but so much keeps happening and it’s a lot of mush to sift through

-“meredith grey is straight” “ever hear her talk about cristina yang?” LMAO

-PREGNANT?

[unitchiefs-blackbirdphoenix]

Forst of all, I adore Hotch when he told Reid that if he has to be mad at someone he should be mad at him! He literally told him that JJ and Emily are the last people to blame in that mess but Spencer was just like nah and still thought is was okay to blame JJ. Who followed orders. To protect her best friend. And also suffered from that secret.

But yeah lets just ignore the fact WHY JJ did that. I think Reid fans focus to much about JJ saying that Spencer was mad bc he couldn't control his feelings or something and never thought about how he hurts JJ when he said he almost took drugs again and blames her for it.

I think both were in the wrong for saing the things they said in that scene. But I think the fans makes JJ's words a bigger problem than they ended up being and ignore that Reid's words also hurted her and blames her for something that where out of her control.

I agree with all of this! I think fans, especially those of Reid, need to pay attention to all of this. First and foremost, if JJ told Reid or anyone else on the team, it will put the risk of their lives at the hands of Doyle, which means even Reid would be dead if he knew. And I’m pretty sure fans will still hate JJ and Emily for that too.

From what I remember of the episode, Reid in the entire ep began saying hurtful things towards JJ with snarky comments and JJ tried to ignore most of them. In fact, the first time she notices that Reid ignored her and Emily when she asked if he didn’t go to brunch, she said “he hates me” and Emily tells her to let him be and JJ does that.

When they’re partnered together, JJ was talking about the details of the case and Reid decided to say “Emily was buried underground and no one seemed to notice”. He started saying something and JJ wanted him to talk about it bc she knows he’s having a hard time expressing his feelings. He only keeps ignoring her and outright said that JJ had been faking her tears the entire Doyle situation. In that same scene and onwards, he continues making all these remarks towards her and she ends up trying to push them aside.

JJ’s first few approaches were actually a lot more appropriate than fans make it out to be. Considering the setting of where they are: at work. They have to be professional even around the local officers, and everyone at work were uncomfortable and tense. It seems that JJ was trying to talk to him in a mature manner of trying to get him to open up about his feelings the first few times and if he didn’t want to talk, she decides to give up and move on with the case. The next scene, she clocks on his behavior and tries to get on his level of pettiness, to see if he would react bc if he didn’t respond the first time, she would have to use a different approach. Nothing happens then.

The next scene, JJ confronts Reid and tells him straight (not harshly at first) that they needed to talk. Then, she finally gets fed up and says the whole “you couldn’t profile us” thing, knowing that they will get him to talk. It wasn’t that she knows he couldn’t profile her or Hotch; that was her only tactic left. She used it as a last resort, she wasn’t smug about it and what happens? Reid actually responds back.

They could’ve dealt with this issue outside of work and JJ has already been trying to get them to speak in private from the beginning. Even Hotch pulls Reid aside and tells him he could take his anger on him instead of JJ, and Reid pretty much ignores all that, and this scene happens before the whole argument, if I remember correctly. JJ didn’t even know he was considering using Dilaudid again that time bc he didn’t know how to express his feelings at the times he cried at her house, and she wanted to be in denial that he was thinking about relapsing, at least that’s how I saw it. Because if something did happen to Reid whether or not it was because of that, JJ would never forgive herself at all, even though as you mentioned, it would be out of her control.

I’m not dismissing him considering/almost relapsing or his anger. In fact, the way this whole ep was written or how the writers choose to gloss over everyone’s frustration the whole arc was questionable and disappointing. It was more of how fans reacted to this whole thing, how the situation could’ve been handled outside of work or in private because it would affect the team working the case (which was appropriately handled by Hotch and the first few times by JJ), and what could’ve happened if the whole team was in on the secret of Emily being alive the entire time.

[hel-phoenyx]

TW death, graphic description of a body and implied child abuse/suicide attempt

Nicomaque, Aristophane and Andreas are @soupedepates 's characters, Senri is @corneille-but-not-the-author 's

I knew the moment I parked in front of the building I would not like what was going to happen.

My day started normally, though. Going to teach, tease Senri on headmaster work, give to countless Ultimates a lecture on the power of imagination. Maybe spoil a little bit my baby daughters that are not babies anymore. A good day.

The fact it was a good day should have hinted at how weird it was.

And then Senri told me about Nicomaque's repeated absences. That it was three days since he hasn't come to the school. And that's where it hit me.

So that's why everything was so

Calm.

He was worried. Senri is among the rare people that can be worried about someone he knows no matter how much he doesn't like them. He may not care, but he notices, like he noticed my dark circles or Raraka's impending nervous breakdowns. Maybe that's why I love him, or why I started to worry, too.

He asked me to check. Of course. I am the only one that still has a key to his apartment. In case of suicide attempt or overdose.

So I put my classes on hold and decided to check.

The building was normal. No accident, no disaster whatsoever.

Only the flies on the window.

Everywhere.

Blocking life light

Obscuring the inside like a cross.

I knew I would not like what I was gonna see.

I am no idiot

I am no optimistic fuck

I am no stranger to Tragedies.

I took out my phone, got out of the car. Dialed the emergency number.

The voice resonates in my head like an echo of the outside world. The world where there's no flies on the window of that guy I am the only person with the keys to his house, the guy I hate so much I know his body and mind by heart the guy that almost got my sister's lover killed pulled me away from the roof tried to make me relapse in my addictions couldn't even leave his.

"Yes, thank you for responding. I call about potential corpse identification."

The words taste like decay in my mouth.

Of course I didn't like what I saw.

Flies are not an unusual sight for people that knew Maquo's way of life. He never knew how to take care of himself. At some point, he stopped trying. Not even for his child's sake.

For whom would he?

Not even to appear at least a little like a human being.

What is the point of looking human if you aren't?

But that many are not only from his trash bin, or the dirty dishes in the sink starting to grow moldy.

I lead the policemen towards his room. Some of them flinch in front of the mess.

"Does that guy really... live in that dump?"

I suspected not anymore.

Behind the smells of mold and old meals and booze lies a stench of decay recognizable like no other. The overwhelming fist of death.

How long...

"How long will you lay in your own crap with no one to ever worry about you?"

"Eh now, van Heel, now that's just harsh, I do not lay, look, I am standing. Besides, you worry, or you wouldn't be here."

"You're being a bit full of yourself if you don't think the only thing I worry about is the safety hazard you live in."

"Aww. Tsundere."

"Laugh all you want. We'll see when you're dead."

Finally a policeman opened the door. I put in a mask.

That was a good idea.

The smell is everywhere. Flies buzzing like crazy around a form on the bed, probably a factor of what accelerated the decay. Because I remember seeing him five days ago at school coughing his lungs out so hard every cough got out a cloud of smoke. But he was still coughing, still laughing, still breathing.

What is in front of me does not breathe, does not cough, does not try to kiss me with a breath of fags and booze. Whatever lies in that bed is not the thing that would sass me with whatever unethical thing I would be doing according to non-existent Lord knows what philosopher guy before pulling out a beer and asking if I want some.

What is in front of me is just a lump of flesh white as death, eyes closed and mouth full of eggs that once called itself Nicomaque Papoulos.

I told him once he would die before me. I would have the last laugh when he's dead.

I do not laugh.

"Sounds like a liver failure, says a policeman while inspecting the bed. No traces of violence, no signs of overdose, only... The bottles."

"The bottles" describing a pile of glass stinking like cheap whiskey and vodka. Yeah, that sounds about right. Of course his body would break down first.

"You're a fucking living wreck. I don't know what will get you first, liver failure or brain death."

"How about neither?"

You wish.

"Need me for authentification?" I asked a policewoman. She shook her head.

"No, you did enough, you can go out for a minute. Since it's not murder, your deposition can wait. Please give me your contact info."

I comply, and go out without a look towards the corpse.

"Hey, Andreas, Emerens calling."

On the other side of the phone I hear a little gasp of surprise. To be fair, we haven't spoken in a long time. Not since he found a job, got into active life, started therapy for good. We sometimes exchange news on social media. Nicomaque's name is never spoken.

"What do you want?"

"I have news for you."

I don't intend to sugarcoat it. I may be out, standing next to the family car with the sun kissing my skin, but death is still gripping at my clothes like a fervent lover not wanting to let go. Everything is starting to give me a headache. And it's only the beginning.

"What could possibly earn me a call from-"

"He's dead."

Andreas stops in his tracks. He didn't need to hear a name to understand.

"He..."

"Found him this morning. Since three or four days apparently, police will tell me, I am no coroner. Liver failure."

There is a long silence. A silence broken by a nervous laugh I can hear so much behind.

"Of course.... Of course that MOTHERFUCKER got the most alcoholic death possible! Goddamnit couldn't he just, I don't know, get shot or whatever???"

"Would you take a bullet for a student?"

"Lord, no. Don't tell that to Pontiff though. I kinda need the job."

"Figured. And he's not stupid, he knows. But what if the student was your own child?"

"..."

"I find you suddenly silent."

"Well what am I supposed to answer?"

"And of all people YOU had to warn me, you who pretends to hate him all day long but I know damn well what you really think, you fucking hypocrite-"

I let him shout at me for a moment before taking advantage of a moment of silence, he taking his breath to shout, shout again maybe

He was so silent linked to monitors, his heart stabilised but his blood oxygen so low. Of course, blood loss does that to people and I know that all too well. I recognise the scars on his arms because the same are hidden behind tattoos and colors.

I never hated Nicomaque more than at this moment.

"Are you finished?"

He stops in his tracks, now dead silent. I guess he never heard me snapping before today.

I sigh before starting over, my voice far more composed than before.

"You do whatever you want with that info. Organize the funeral or shit in his grave, I dont give a fuck, only thing I will ask you is to give me Eudoxe's number so I can warn him. Or do it yourself if you want. I don't care."

He doesn't ask why I have only his. We both remember.

He's pale on the bed and I'm sitting next to him, when finally visits are allowed. In his hand is a little paper with numbers marked on it.

"In case of emergency."

Andreas stays silent for a moment. Before sighing.

"You're doing an awful lot for an archnemesis."

A crooked smile grows on my lips.

"I know. Pathetic isn't it?"

Neither of us know who I'm talking about.

Three knocks on the door in a well-known code. I've been outside all day, calling Andreas then Eudoxe then Aristophane who was the only one asking about me, before telling me to rest because he will warn the others. I still haven't called Augusta and Otto. Something tells me neither of them would care.

So of course Senri should know it's me.

He still has the audacity to ask.

"Who's there?"

I grin.

"Your favorite errand doggie, sweetie. Care to let me in? I have news."

"Ah, there you are. Come in."

There is something in his voice that looks like worry. Why would he worry? I haven't been gone that long, only for most of the morning, I didn't even miss that many classes I shouldn't be the one he's worried about.

Senri is sitting in his chair looking at papers, the usual. Oh, the jokes I did about ruining Judge's little throne the only way I know how. But not today. Today is no day to joke.

He lifts his head hearing me coming, his eyes widening when he sees my face.

"So?"

My grin is almost believable.

"Well, I have bad and good news. The bad news is, you're gonna have to find a new philosophy and morale teacher."

Senri's eyes widen even more. He begins to stand up, silent, still looking at me at that grin who's so deep in my face I almost feel it bleed.

"Good news is.... "

I should be laughing.

"Is..."

I didn't even cry for my birth giver.

"..."

"Don't look so disgusted, van Heel. I know you're gonna cry on my coffin."

"HAH! You wish. Only thing I'd do when you're six feet under is throw a party."

....

What am I trying to say to myself.

"..... Never mind. There's no good news, after all."

I guess I wasn't as heartless towards you as I thought I was.

Senri is still looking at me. Gestures towards another chair, next to his desk, one I know by heart. The chair only I sat in, from what I've gathered. The chair of the assistant headmaster.

I sit in, and he turns towards me, eyes piercing whatever expression is on my face.

"So Nicomaque is dead."

"Yep. Organ failure. Since three days or so. Gave my statement to the police, nobody will be interrogated at Hope's Peak."

"At least that. How's the funeral going?"

"Gotta speak with Aristophane and Pericles but probably in Greece."

"And how are you feeling?"

He still looks at me. At the grin that didn't leave my face. My signature grin, the one used against me or for me so much during my social media life, the grin only a few people know is there for hiding.

I don't let go of it.

"I'll figure out later."

I have no time to explore whatever's in my brain right now.

Senri smiles a little. Of course he gives me that ironic look.

"And that suuuuure helped you cope."

I roll my eyes.

"Oh, fuck youuu."

"You wish. But seriously. You good?"

Again with that question.

"I don't know what am I supposed to feel."

There is one thing I like about Senri.

He doesn't give me an answer.

He doesn't try to tell me what I should feel.

He doesn't even say anything somehow judgemental.

He just stands up, and goes to put a hand on my shoulder.

Five seconds later, it becomes a hug.

What should I feel?

That's my worst enemy.

He became the deadbeat dad I was loathing.

He hurt so many of my loved ones.

And yet at the same time I looked at what we shared with such a fondness I don't find in any of my relationship.

I smile a little behind the brain fog.

I guess you did have the last laugh, you little piece of junk.

[whumpbump]

The Chip

Cw: mentions of alcoholism and implied relapse, mcd and stalking, unhelpful police, unkind hospital staff

Caretaker was a mess when Whumpee disappeared. That was their best friend. And NO ONE seemed to believe that they were in any danger! ‘They left a note!’ Ok so there was a note. It was typed and didn’t sound like Whumpee at all in Caretaker’s opinion.

17 months later, Whumpee was found, left for dead in an abandoned building. Whatever had happened to them, Caretaker would likely never know but their purpose was deemed over. Whumpee spent the next month in the hospital recovering.

During this month, Caretaker spent it recovering as well, from the alcoholism they developed over the time that Whumpee was gone. They were told by Whumpee’s Social Worker that if they could provide a One Month chip by the time Whumpee was discharged, that they could take Whumpee into their care.

Caretaker had never worked so hard. There were sleepless nights and awful days and Caretaker thought this was the worst thing they could ever feel, next to when Whumpee was missing, but they did it.

Whumpee cried tears of joy for their best friend when they proudly held up their chip at the time of discharge. That meant no rehab center until a placement, Whumpee could go home.

During the next few weeks, Whumpee and Caretaker became more and more concerned that they were being pursued by someone. Weird things kept happening. Cars seemed to follow them, but Caretaker was always able to shake them. And Whumpee was sure they’d seen Whumper a few times watching in public spaces, so they became more and more recluse. They tried seeking help from the local police, but who would believe a recovering alcoholic who’d spent many a night in jail during the last year and someone branded mentally unstable due to trauma?

It wasn’t until Whumper had shown up the evening before Caretaker’s 2 Month Chip ceremony and successfully stabbed Whumpee that the police took any action. Caretaker managed to take Whumper by surprise and knocked them out. The police and ambulance service showed up, whisking everyone away to jail and hospital but Whumpee was in bad shape. Still in their dress clothes, Caretaker sat miserably in the waiting room.

Upon hearing the news that Whumpee didn’t make it, Caretaker was sent away. After all, they weren’t family. “But I was their caretaker.” “Just because you cared for them doesn’t make us legally obligated to let you in. You weren’t. Related. Family. Only. Read. The sign.” With every punctuation, the nurse tapped the sign with her pen.

Sighing in defeat, Caretaker said “Can you do one thing for me?” “What?” The nurse was more than annoyed at this point. “Please make sure that this stays with them,” Caretaker handed the nurse their One Month Chip, “it meant more to them than anything.”

“Won’t you need this?”

“Not anymore.”

[evita-shelby]

Incantatrice

Chapter 12

Cw: postpartum depression,alcoholic relapse(if you know the proper term for it please tell me), anxiety

Taglist: @zablife @wandawiccan60 @thegreatdragonfruta @babayaga67

“If you keep coddling him like that, he will turn out spoiled.” Audrey looked with disapproval at Luca who bounced his son on his knee while Eva bustled in the kitchen putting the cook and maids on edge as she had them try to match her fast pace.

“Give him to me, the last thing we need is your guests to think she’s taken your balls too.” She added holding out her arms and reaching for his two-and-a-half-year-old son.

Leonardo, his Leoncino, cries the moment Luca’s stepmother’s hands brush against his torso.

“What guests? Its just you, papa and Angel.” Luca taunted her by continuing to play with his boy.

He had almost lost Eva when she miscarried, he had seen her depressive periods ---often accompanied by Dido’s Lament playing on the gramophone--- and feared he would come home to find her gone.

But then with the same strength and grace she carried herself after a lifetime of war, Luca watched her return to life.

Its 1924 now, nearly five years after you would think that never happened.

“Have you considered giving the boy a sorellina?” Audrey tried her best to be good, not that it worked, Luca hated her guts and Eva couldn’t stand her even with quite a lot of bribery.

Once he fucked Eva in a confessional to keep her from throttling Audrey for insinuating she was insane to his English cousins.

Eva slammed a cabinet door as she heard the question.

Eva was not ready to go through it all again.

The pregnancy had left her a mess, buying and reading books on parenting, on coping with her past and once he had found her drunk out her mind screaming for him to take Leo and leave because she was cursed.

She was not well.

He had been warned of it and told her uncle that he could handle whatever came. Luca had not lied, he was committed to her and when he realized her loved her, he knew he would rather kill himself than be without her.

She’s bewitched you; Matteo had said with disgust. Matteo loved his wife, but was not devoted to her like Luca was to his.

“We will have another when it happens, matrigna.” He answered curtly, reminding her that she was his father’s wife, not his real mother.

If Eva thought if having Luca’s family visit for Thanksgiving and Leo’s third birthday at their new house was a test of her patience, then she was right.

She is always right; it is one of the many curses she was born with.

“Rilassare, Evuccia,” Luca whispers as he kissed her bare shoulder after putting Leo to bed. “Relax.”

Vincenzo eyed her with suspicion, Angel was nice, but they were very much strangers still and Audrey was an eternal thorn at her side.

She wants a granddaughter; people were getting suspicious that Eva was taking long to have another, and Luca was not getting any younger.

If you wait too long people will think he is not man enough, she had warned as she ‘helped’ her in the kitchen.

Why does no one understand why she is apprehensive to have another?

She wants more children, she has seen she will another one, a daughter with her freckles.

Even the universe is telling her its time.

Fuck your fears, the cards said last night. Rosabla Isabel Changretta will be born in 1924.

“I’m sorry, I’ve ruined your time with your family.” She grumbled and turned her head to kiss him.

Something was worrying him.

“Angel bought an engagement ring today, for the woman I told you about. La Puttana in the gyps---”

“Romani,” Eva chides him as she tugged his sleeve in the direction of the bedroom. "Please don't call her a whore, she's a secretary now and put her past behind her.

If we play our cards right you can have a kingdom of our own."

She likes talking business, likes how he gets when he talks about his plans. Makes for good loving, like him getting his blood running in a fight.

“Fine, the Romani gang causing trouble for us. Run by idiots, the leader, Thomas Shelby married the narc they sent him and his aunt let him.

Easy pickings and we won't ever have to listen to anyone else."

There was history there.

With the aunt at least.

He is a fantastic lover, woman wept when they learned he was monogamous.

If Eva didn’t have him wrapped around her fingers, she would be worried he’d leave her for someone closer to his age.

“Should I be wary of this aunt?” the witch asked feigning jealousy even as she unbuttons his vest and shirt.

He likes it when she’s jealous, likes knowing she’d give the other women seeking him a run for their money.

“Hmm, no. No woman could hold a candle to you, tesoro.” He turns the tables on her and shoves her roughly against the wall.

“Prove it, Luca.” She smiles wickedly when that dangerous look in his eyes intensifies letting her know she’s in for a good time.

“Tell me how, maga, and I’ll prove it to you.” He pressed against her, kissed her neck and jaw and a part of her knew this passion would go out like a light the moment she says it.

“Give me another baby.”

And with those four words, the mood is killed.

“Are you sure?” he asks his brow creasing with worry.

She knows pregnancy and all its imbalance made her a wreck, she knows she should not let Audrey’s nagging get to her.

But she wants the sweet little girl she sees in the cards, their Rosalba, her perfectly magical little rose.

One brown eye, one green eye with Luca’s skill with a piano and her dancing.

“Rosalba, after your mother.” She nods.

[allylikethecat]

If you want to do it and if you have the time could I humbly request prompt 20, a kiss on a scar. I absolutely love all these kiss prompts

Hello! I realized after I wrote this that you didn't give me a pairing- I just assumed Matty x George. If that was NOT who you were looking for let me know and I'll write another one! I'm sorry that this took a few days to finish and I hope that you enjoy it regardless of the pairing!

I also have another request for #20, and because I really like this prompt I am going to be writing another one for it. I just have a few more to get through before I get to it!

Thank you again for reading, and I'm so happy that you're enjoying them! Let me know what you think!

❤️Ally

Kiss…on a scar

“I love you,” Matty whispered, his head resting against George’s chest, the blankets pooled around his waist as he traced George’s “broken” tattoo with his finger, feeling the raised skin of his scar from his collarbone surgery, listening to his heart beat, trying to match his own breathing to George's rhythmic inhale and exhale. 

“I love you too,” George murmured, his words vibrating in his ribcage. Matty turned his head, nuzzling his nose against George’s bare chest inhaling the scent of his skin. He closed his eyes and tried not to cry, so overwhelmed that this was something he got to have. 

If someone had told him he would have this ten years ago, twenty four with a chip on his shoulder, their debut album on the horizon, he would have laughed. He had been so far in the closet he hadn’t even realized that was where he was. If you had told him at twenty eight, having relapsed after rehab, the rest of the guys icing him out, convinced that this was the end, that George would ever hold him with kindness, that George would still even want him in his life Matty would have said you were delusional. Even at thirty, hunkered down with a global pandemic on the horizon, quarantining with George, overcome with fear and uncertainty, Matty wouldn’t have believed it.

He  still didn’t believe it, he kept waiting to wake up in 2014, in 2017, in 2020 and be told it was all just a dream, all just a hopeless fantasy. Because why would George ever want him. He was Matty Healy the hot mess express. Emphasis on mess. But here they were in 2023. Matty was thirty four, George was thirty three. They lived in the home they had picked out together in West London, they had a yard and a dog. They had a fifth album that had gone number one in the UK, they had a sixth album that was on the way. They had each other. 

Matty wished he could go back in time, wished that he could tell Matty at twenty seven, strung out and terrified, heart racing, thinking he was going to die in portaloo in Scotland when he had accidentally taken too much that it was all going to be alright, even as the rest of the guys having caught on to his deep his addiction ran. They had confronted him and he fled to score. He wished he could tell twenty seven year old Matty who was ready to give up, that was starting to accept that he wasn’t going to make it to thirty, that he was going to get through it, that even after the lowest of lows, even after he hit rock bottom, and then kept digging, that he would be able to claw himself back up, that he would find someone who loved him, someone who loved him all along. 

“Are you crying love?” George asked softly, reaching up to run the pad of his finger under Matty’s eye, ruffling his eye lashes and making Matty scrunch up his nose at the sensation.

“No,” he said, even as his tears leaked against George’s skin, causing him to chuckle. He never thought he would be this soft, that he would allow himself to be so vulnerable. He had always been emotional, cried at the drop of a hat his entire life, but at the same time he had always been guarded, had always protected his soft underbelly. But he was now, metaphorically belly up, neck bared, fully trusting George and at his mercy.

“Awe, love,” said George, voice full of love rather than condensation when Matty sniffled, and turned his head, pressing a kiss to George’s collarbone, right over the silvery scar from his surgery, the word “broken” tattooed into his skin just below it. 

“I hate this tattoo,” Matty said suddenly, pressing another kiss to the scar as if he could erase the flaws from the skin with his love alone. George shouldn’t have the word broken on his skin when he was anything but. Matty was the one that was broken, glued back together haphazardly, ready to topple over again at a moment's notice. George was steady, George was whole. 

“What?” George asked, leaning back on his elbows, changing the angle of Matty’s incline, causing him to grumble as he shifted his weight into a more stable position. 

“You’re not broken,” Matty said. 

“I know I’m not,” said George, not following Matty’s train of thought. “And neither are you.” 

“You’re perfect,” Matty said, breath hot against George’s scarred skin. 

He snorted and reached up to run a hand through Matty’s tangle of curls. He had been letting them grow longer again, after seeing the fan support for them on the internet. George would never admit it, but he liked Matty’s hair like this, overgrown and messy, the gray threads interwoven with the dark strands. He had hated the hair gel but knew better than to try and police Matty’s body, his fashion choices. 

“You’re not broken,” Matty said again, more weight to his voice this time as he kissed the scar. 

“Do you know what they say about broken bones?” George asked, and Matty shook his head. “When you break a bone, it heals stronger.” He paused. “Just like us.” 

[seungchanpark]

ciao baby !! i’m april (she/her), i’m 22, i’m in est, and i cannot articulate how EXCITED i am to get this rodeo going. with that being said, si si spaghetti baby let’s talk about this absolute fucking mess of a man. trigger warnings for everything below [and most interactions with chan in general] include: drugs, addiction, and mental health issues.

full app. && pinterest.

(tldr; boy genius has a low tolerance for most other people but a high tolerance for anything that can be snorted, sniffed, or swallowed. can be quite cruel and patronizing and mean around the edges, but is easily pacified if you offer him something sweet and chewy or caffeinated and liquid. heir to a billion-dollar tech company in ole silicon valley, has probably spent many-a dinner party face-to-face with mark zuck’s cold, dead gaze.)

&& basics —

full name: seung-chan park nicknames: chan (primary), park, channy (only by sisters) gender & pronouns: cismale & he/him sexuality: bisexual age & dob: twenty-one & october 22nd hometown: london, england education: double-major in mathematics & computer science favorite proof: big fan of demoivre’s theorem

&& background —

chan’s mom comes from an old money real estate/investment empire in south korea, chan’s dad is just some broke man. but! they fall in love, they move to london, they have two daughters, and then chan’s mom decides to take a gamble and make her own tech company in the us of a (do NOT ask me what this company is but it’s like…. probably software probably pretty famous idk maybe salesforce-esque where it’s useful but not glamorous)

it’s a massive success! chan’s mom becomes a hotshot in silicon valley so she’s rarely around the rest of her family in london, chan’s dad becomes resentful because she’s abandoned their family to go be a big deal with the tech bros (and because he’s got some fragile masculinity going on let’s be real). this is how the park family is supposed to remain until…..

SURPRISE! mrs. park gets pregnant by accident, and it’s a BOY, so chan’s dad insists that they keep it because he’s always wanted a son. enter stage left: SEUNG-CHAN PARK, but you can call him chan. 

he’s smart. like, really really smart. every rich kid with a brain and privat tutors can do alright for themselves, but chan is exceptionally gifted, especially when it comes to numbers and logic

buuuuut his social skills are atrocious! he’s blunt, he’s condescending, he doesn’t know how to play nice with the other kids because he thinks he’s better than them. he becomes a bit of a zoo attraction – marvel at his genius from behind the bars, but don’t get much closer than that or he’ll bite. and that’s fine with him! his best friend is his dad and chan doesn’t need much more than that 

when he’s thirteen, his mom offers him a silicon valley job, and he reluctantly takes it. he spends every summer coding for her company, and as it turns out, being a nepo baby doesn’t save him from the long hours and high demands of the job.

he accepts his first dose of adderall from a fellow coder when he’s sixteen. finally, it starts to feel like his fingers can move as fast as his brain does. next comes ritalin, amphetamines, ecstasy, cocaine. by the time he graduates high school (as valedictorian, predictably), it’s safe to say that he’s got a hefty drug problem. 

the jig is up in his second year at meraviglia, when his dad walks in on his room that looks very much like what you’d expect from a 20 yo drug addict. this fundamentally ruins his relationship with his dad (sad), mama and papa park send him away to rehab for a drug-free summer (sadder), and this is CHAN’S BIG SECRET :O his parents told everyone he was spending a summer traveling abroad, meanwhile he was really in a luxury rehab center in zurich 

since then….. he has relapsed (saddest). he does feel a bit more guilty about doing drugs now than before, especially because he knows how much it would disappoint his dad, and he also feels quite bad about keeping the fact that he went to rehab from his friend(s) (probably just cypress). he drinks and gets high with the rest of praeditus like it’s business as usual, but they’re all unaware that he’s doing it a little more than just recreationally

&& tidbits — (these are copy/pasted directly from my app and are rlly not that important, i just think they’re fun to know for plots/interaction xx)

doesn’t know how to cook (blames it on growing up rich and always managing to live with people who took care of the food), so his diet is more or less a mess now that he lives alone. unless he finds the time to visit a dining hall, he survives off coffee, candy, energy drinks, pastries, the occasional doordash order, and more coffee. it takes him way too long to remember the last time he sought out a vegetable

responds to “seung-chan” and “chan” and “park” pretty interchangeably, but his sisters like to mess with him and call him “channy”. needless to say, he hates it

his mom is certain that after graduating he’ll come back to california and work with her in silicon valley, but chan’s not so sure anymore. coding on his own for his classes is starting to make him wonder if he wants something that’s just his own, something where he can flex his creative muscles a bit more 

when the right opportunity strikes, he can be shockingly funny. not in the way asphodel is, of course – an easy and open humor, the kind that’s meant to be heard by a crowd – but rather in the form of dry sarcasm and biting remarks. it tends to surprise people the first couple of times he can make them laugh, especially because he usually isn’t trying to, he’s just making a blunt statement that happens to double as a joke 

never learned how to sit normally on a surface. an eternity of bending over notebooks and computers has fucked up his body to the point of no return, and so he sits wherever and however is most comfortable to him in that moment – back bent over armchairs, legs crossed on countertops, head hanging off the bed with one thigh crossed over the other. if he didn’t think yoga was for assholes then it would probably change his life

despite his ongoing reliance on a number of vices, he only drinks in social settings, and even then, he never drinks too much. he’s not a fan of how alcohol tends to slow him down and make him disoriented – plus, he tends to find that his actions feel much more unpredictable with a couple drinks than with a couple lines. if he does drink, he’s definitely a fruity and sweet cocktail man, don’t even think about coming close to him with a fucking bud light

his fashion sense is abysmal. he wears sweaters and t-shirts that range anywhere from neutral to ugly, and he pairs them with joggers and birks on a daily basis. he accepts no comments or complaints, insisting that fashion should first and foremost be for comfort

doesn’t take criticism very well? or like, at all? he’s been told he’s brilliant and always right and etc etc so much throughout his life that on the off chance he does get something wrong he simply refuses to believe it and will argue otherwise until proven guilty. he usually requires a full-fledged derivative proof, and even then he’s dubious 

takes his coffee black, but you already knew that. often puts an extra espresso shot in it for good measure

he’s not an easy person to like, and he recognizes that, but he’s also not taking any tangible steps to fix it. even when somebody does like him and he enjoys them too, he has the most bizarre ways of showing affection that half the time it still may feel like chan thinks you’re stupid because he’s bitter and sarcastic and impatient just as the status quo

he speaks four languages fluently (english, korean, italian, and chinese), three conversationally (swahili, japanese, and spanish), and a bunch of others casually. his dad was always really insistent on him learning languages, and on top of that, he went through a linguistics phase in middle school 

owns a cat called copurrnicus in his off-campus apartment, and he would pretty much kill for her. sources say that the only time they’ve seen him giggle is when her little paws get tangled in his sweaters