#I think. The alienation they experience is not trivial

[captain-lovelace]

I am so tempted to write Dante fic

[fmluder24]

Might Be One Yourself: A Brief and Normal Look at Jewish Fox Mulder

As the only Jewish fan of The X Files that I know, I feel compelled to make some comments about this show’s writing around Judaism. This is all in the spirit of being a fan and criticizing something I enjoy, not an attempt to “cancel” anyone or anything.

One popular headcanon in the X Files fandom is that Fox Mulder is Jewish. I think headcanons are all well and good but many people seem to be under the impression that Fox Mulder is canonically a Jewish character. I think this assumption is telling and I don’t entirely fault people for interpreting the character in that direction given how the writers play with tropes and stereotypes around Jews and Judaism. That being said, I do not think that this interpretation of the character would exist if not for David Duchovny’s personal background as being Jewish on his father’s side. I think the writers want to entertain the possibility of Mulder being Jewish as a way to heighten tensions in certain episodes and along the way they intentionally or not brought in a lot of antisemitic tropes into the narrative. This will be my attempt to aggregate these odd moments of tension and their implications into an analysis of how Fox Mulder being read as a Jewish character shapes how we can think of the X Files as a whole

First of all I think that the X files inherently plays with some antisemitic tropes with the focus on conspiracy theories. On top of that, there’s ways that the X Files references the history of World War Two that trivializes that history. I think on some level the writers were aware of some of that and wanted to use Mulders ambiguous Jewishness to deflect from criticism. Let me summarize the tropes that are used in the show with regards to Mulder and Jewishness.

1. The elephant in the room

Mulder was literally born into the elite globalist cabal headquartered in New York City. It doesn’t get much more stereotypical than that.

2. Rich and a cheapskate

His family is quite wealthy and is shown as having several homes due to all of Bill Mulder’s shady business with the government. Despite this Mulder is implied to be a cheapskate with numerous scenes where he refuses to tip or tips next to nothing to a disgruntled service worker. Both of these tropes play into historical stereotypes around Jews and money.

3. Operation paper clip

Bill mulder is implied to have helped nazis escape justice after World War Two by involving them in US government projects related to the alien conspiracy. This is similar to the current right wing conspiracy theory that certain Jewish families were complicit in Nazi crimes to get ahead for themselves. If you look at how the far right talks about George Soros, you will see what I mean about antisemitic accusations of collusion.

4. Died in the holocaust

Mulder literally recovers his repressed memories from dying in the holocaust in his last life during the events of “The Field Where I Died.” There are not many experiences more pivotally Jewish in the eyes of non Jews than that. I get that Scully also canonically died in the holocaust in her prior life as well but I personally think the weight behind it is quite different when delivered by an actor who wouldn’t be here if his grandparents had missed a boat out of Eastern Europe in the 1920s.

5. In with shady figures

He strikes up a very fast friendship with Mr Saperstein in “Fight Club.” Saperstein greats Scully by saying “Ma Nishtana,” the opening phrases of a Passover song. Jewish people do not use this to greet each other but Chris Carter apparently thinks we do. Mulder is delighted by this and then says goodbye to him in Yiddish with the phrase sholom aleichem (peace be upon you) to which Saperstein replies “yo momma.” I think this is Chris Carter taking a swing at Jewish people, Black people, and Black Jewish people all at once. But for our purposes this is a scene where Mulder is supposedly sharing in some culture knowledge with a person who is implied to be Jewish. Saperstein is stereotypically for both communities out to hustle people rather than deal honestly

6. Dislikes his appearance

The season 4 episode “Sanguinarium” has multiple scenes where Mulder entertains getting a nose job. I would like to think the writers were trying to be aware around gender by making Mulder the vain one instead of Scully, but the decision to portray a nose job specifically must have been an intentional dig. Beauty is political. Being conventionally attractive or not is political. A character played by a Jewish actor, who is written with many stereotypes around Jewish men as we will continue to see, wanting to have a different nose is not in my opinion an innocent writing decision but rather an intentional message about beauty standards and adhering to a white Gentile idea. This is underscored because the final message of the episode is that one should rise above one’s tendencies to be vain, not that Mulder should like the way he looks.

7. Faces antisemitism

The episodes you are almost certainly thinking of when reading the word antisemitism are Kaddish and Drive. In both of these the villains see Mulder and going off appearance alone assume he is Jewish. If this happened in more benign circumstances in addition to or instead of these malevolent ones, it would not have the oddly accusatory weight it has in the world of the show. People only clock him in situations where violence is a factor.

There are two other episodes that are not brought up as examples of antisemitic violence towards Mulder but that I think cannot be separated from the overall context of the show. One of these is Triangle, where Mulder is trapped in the 1940s on a boat with Nazis. The majority of the fans seem to just see this as a fun homage to the Alfred Hitchcock film Rope, but coming off the heels of Drive, one cannot escape the parallels of him being trapped in moving vehicles with violent antisemites two weeks in a row. The escapist time travel fantasy is hampered by the fact that most families like Duchovnys were wiped out by men like the villains in the episode. It takes an ahistorical white American eye to decontextualize Nazis and Jewish people so thoroughly as to make Triangle what it is —- all style, no substance.

The other episode with subtext that people seem to have missed is The Pine Bluff Variant. In it Mulder has to gain the trust of a right wing militia. The one character that seems to see through his act is the shaved head thug who gleefully tortures Mulder in the course of the episode. The fact that the character with the shaved head distrusts him and takes such delight in harming him is intentional, because this character is a skinhead. The political affiliation of the character is made obvious by Mulder referring to him as a Nazi in the torture sequence. While it is never directly stated, the fact that antisemitic characters regularly assume Mulder’s Jewishness on sight , combined with what a shaved head means in the world of the militant far right, gives the strong implication that this is further antisemitism.

Final thoughts

Taken together what are we as fans to do with this? I believe that the writers knew that they were playing with a lot of antisemitic elements with the general conspiracy theories format. They tried to cover for this by having some antisemitic villains come at one of the main characters. In doing so they enforced the trope that Jewish people have a certain look. Furthermore, combined with the stereotypes present in how Mulder is written there is the awkward dynamic of writing a stereotypical character, trying to make it clear they were not endorsing the stereotypes, and then reinforcing the equation of the stereotypes with Jewish people. So we are left with Mulder as a character with many Jewish stereotypes, who is fetishized as a perpetual victim of antisemitism, with no positive aspects of Jewish identity and community portrayed.

However, Duchovny himself headcanons Mulder as Jewish and if it makes any of my fellow fans happy to do the same, they should go right ahead and enjoy. There are many good fics on AO3 that explore the possibility of Mulder’s Jewishness in ways that exceed what the show portrayed.

[aspd-culture]

Contributing to the conversation, I think it’s, I’m gonna be honest, more likely that emotional abuse would boost the chances of aspd forming because children as a demographic are routinely gaslit, emotionally abused, dehumanized, and treated as property both by their caregivers (be they family, guardians, or teachers) or peers (other kids in school). Being dehumanized routinely as a child and thinking this is all you are to others, it would make sense that being on the receiving end of ‘antisocial treatment’ (as in, things that would prohibit social camaraderie and communal relations) would contribute to an antisocial mindset that persists in life.

Aspd is very specifically also a heavy impulse-based disorder too, underdeveloped frontal lobe and prolonged emotional trauma before the healthy development of that lobe that manages impulse control in social settings met with emotional abuse, it’s probably also why a lot of kids who do develop aspd could also end up with an exception for the person who treated them like a person but one person obviously cannot offset All of the damage the rest of their environment caused. I think aspd is perhaps somewhat more underdiagnosed *because* people don’t provide a lot of support to pwaspd when they’re adults because the adult with aspd has so thoroughly alienated themselves through their disorder that people just don’t care if they get help or communal care. Because it’s easier to just let pwaspd fall through the cracks because they’re “evil” and “don’t deserve it”.

So now you have someone who has spent their entire lives being proven left and right that they’re not cared about so “why the fuck should they care about anyone else, care is obviously conditional on my behavior and even when I mask, I’m not good enough”. Anyways, yeah, I absolutely think prolonged emotional abuse is absolutely a valid and understandable cause of aspd when we look at how we treat kids.

On the one hand, there is a lot here I completely agree with, but I do have some points I feel there is more to/have some nuance/etc.

So yeah, absolutely agree that emotional abuse seems a much more likely culprit for the development of ASPD than others (assuming of course that we're putting these in a vacuum, because realistically most children suffering other types of abuse likely experience emotional abuse as well. Not arguing with that at all. The reasons you mention here all make a lot of sense to me, and I want to add that one known to be a big one is teasing; many researchers believe that specific experience is very damaging to a child at risk of developing ASPD. Part of that is what you mentioned - the gaslighting and general disregard for the trauma teasing can cause and the hurt associated with it makes the child feel like they will not be protected in other situations. Because the child doesn't see this the way the adults do - as something "trivial", unimportant, and incomparable to "real" trauma - they don't realize that the adults involved would respond differently to other types of pain. They just believe, given their experience, that the adults will always minimize and disregard the problems they come to them with and therefore do not bother to ask for the help they know they won't get in the future. This creates the need to be self-sufficient and protect yourself and, without intervention from adults, the ways to do that are limited and generally either violent or manipulative. Children dealing with any type of disregard for their problems may also learn that they can manipulate the adults into reacting the way they need them to - a seemingly helpless, caring, "gentle", naïve, etc. child will get more help than the average one - and take that as a normal part of life.

I'd argue that dehumanization is less related to ASPD personally, not in that it can't be but in that it isn't a specific risk factor. Generally, that dehumanization of children is universal not pointed, and the child will see that children are treated like this, but adults are not, and that will stick in their development as it does to all children. The things that are generally considered large risk factors for ASPD's development are things that lead the child to believe will be a problem their entire life, and therefore their brain develops to tolerate that. An example here is that all children deal with restrictions and rules older children and adults do not have, and cannot do things older children and adults can do. They see this and rather than learn it as an issue with society, they simply become impatient to grow up. Dehumanization is a serious trauma that arguably most kids deal with, and it needs to be addressed and fixed for the good of children as a whole, but I don't think it specifically lends itself to ASPD if that is the only kind of emotional abuse the child is dealing with (again, putting these things in unrealistic vacuums for the purpose of this conversation). Now there is a MAJOR exception to this:

Dehumanization that goes to demonization absolutely is a heavy risk factor for ASPD. If you treat a child like they are all bad, or even actually call them a demon/devil/terror/etc. frequently and consistently enough, especially if they hear you doing it behind their back to other people, then they will take that in as a part of their identity. Children don't understand the fluidity of identity, which is why their current interest will always become their favorite thing, their answer to "what do you want to be when you grow up" will be intense and certain yet change every few days/weeks, etc. so when you identify them as a bad kid or worse, then they will behave that way because they think that is what they are supposed to be. This attempt at correcting a child's behavior generally leads against its own goal and makes the child believe you *want* them to be bad because that is what you told them they are. But the general dehumanization of children is honestly an overall societal problem and considering how low the prevalence of ASPD is (even accounting for under-diagnosis), I think it's probably not a leading factor. That's just personal opinion though, a good portion of my response to this ask is.

It's really important to me that we address the belief that impulse control issues are inherent to and a major part of ASPD, because that genuinely is not the case. While it is a part of the diagnostic criteria, I'd like to point out that only 3/7 of those need to apply, and impulse control doesn't need to be one of them. Allow me to explain why this is important to me before anyone writes off this please, because this one actually is not opinion based. ASPD is well known to be a disorder heavily based on trauma in the overwhelming majority of cases - purely genetic ASPD without any trauma exists but is not common at all afaik. Discussing the majority who are traumatized, it's important to note that a lot of types of trauma *do not allow for impulse control issues*, at the expense of the child's safety and emotional/physical wellbeing. It is dangerous for a child dealing with trauma bad enough to cause a personality disorder to not be able to control themselves, and part of what ASPD is is a means of self-preservation in the face of a seemingly hostile, dangerous, and uncaring world/society. Thus the symptoms we see in ASPD - aggression, defensiveness, self-sufficiency, distrust of others, manipulation, lying, charisma, etc etc etc - are things that would have kept the child safer and get them ahead. For the children who were at risk if they were not able to control impulses, that symptom has quite a low chance of developing. Therefore, I don't think it's fair to say that that is an inherent part of ASPD. Our understanding of the neurology of ASPD is also very undeveloped - all research of ASPD up to and including current has been and continues to be biased and ableist, specifically mostly including inmates imprisoned for long sentences due to violent crimes, especially extreme ones and repeat offenders. This is naturally going to lead to the idea that ASPD is always or almost always associated with poor impulse control - because your average person with ASPD is not going to be included in these studies to get an accurate representation. Until we do get a largely unbiased understanding of ASPD, I don't think we can decisively say anything about the neurology of it, and I've seen several researchers and mental health professions alike agree with the idea that we don't know anything conclusive about that at this point for various reasons, including admittedly the lack of cooperative response many pwASPD would give a study like that.

I also have some notes on the issue of underdiagnosis, because I think it's based in a similar concept to what you said, but for the opposite reason. The people most likely to be diagnosed with ASPD are ostracized and isolated, as far as I've seen. The problem with underdiagnosis really comes in with the opposite type of ASPD which may well be the majority. That is the people who have crafted a seemingly normal adjustment to life and society - people who have friends (whether they're actual friends or just a front to seem normal), have healthy or at least long-term relationships of some variety, seem caring and kind, and are generally either well-liked or at least have no more effect on the people around them than neutral. It's not the ones who have been mistreated and openly get dismissed as bad and evil even into adulthood who don't get diagnosed, it's those of us who *don't* fit that stereotype. It's something a lot of us fight tooth and nail to get people to understand; I'm aware I seem empathetic and caring but that is both possible for pwASPD to learn to be and possible to fake. It is that dismissal and demonization of pwASPD that leads to diagnosis - but not from the people being demonized or dismissed by society.

All in all I don't entirely disagree with any point you make here and I think all of it is an important piece of the discussion of the risk factors of ASPD, but I think this understanding is missing a good amount too.

Plain text below the cut:

On the one hand, there is a lot here I completely agree with, but I do have some points I feel there is more to/have some nuance/etc.

So yeah, absolutely agree that emotional abuse seems a much more likely culprit for the development of ASPD than others (assuming of course that we're putting these in a vacuum, because realistically most children suffering other types of abuse likely experience emotional abuse as well. Not arguing with that at all. The reasons you mention here all make a lot of sense to me, and I want to add that one known to be a big one is teasing; many researchers believe that specific experience is very damaging to a child at risk of developing ASPD. Part of that is what you mentioned - the gaslighting and general disregard for the trauma teasing can cause and the hurt associated with it makes the child feel like they will not be protected in other situations. Because the child doesn't see this the way the adults do - as something "trivial", unimportant, and incomparable to "real" trauma - they don't realize that the adults involved would respond differently to other types of pain. They just believe, given their experience, that the adults will always minimize and disregard the problems they come to them with and therefore do not bother to ask for the help they know they won't get in the future. This creates the need to be self-sufficient and protect yourself and, without intervention from adults, the ways to do that are limited and generally either violent or manipulative. Children dealing with any type of disregard for their problems may also learn that they can manipulate the adults into reacting the way they need them to - a seemingly helpless, caring, "gentle", naïve, etc. child will get more help than the average one - and take that as a normal part of life.

I'd argue that dehumanization is less related to ASPD personally, not in that it can't be but in that it isn't a specific risk factor. Generally, that dehumanization of children is universal not pointed, and the child will see that children are treated like this, but adults are not, and that will stick in their development as it does to all children. The things that are generally considered large risk factors for ASPD's development are things that lead the child to believe will be a problem their entire life, and therefore their brain develops to tolerate that. An example here is that all children deal with restrictions and rules older children and adults do not have, and cannot do things older children and adults can do. They see this and rather than learn it as an issue with society, they simply become impatient to grow up. Dehumanization is a serious trauma that arguably most kids deal with, and it needs to be addressed and fixed for the good of children as a whole, but I don't think it specifically lends itself to ASPD if that is the only kind of emotional abuse the child is dealing with (again, putting these things in unrealistic vacuums for the purpose of this conversation). Now there is a MAJOR exception to this:

Dehumanization that goes to demonization absolutely is a heavy risk factor for ASPD. If you treat a child like they are all bad, or even actually call them a demon/devil/terror/etc. frequently and consistently enough, especially if they hear you doing it behind their back to other people, then they will take that in as a part of their identity. Children don't understand the fluidity of identity, which is why their current interest will always become their favorite thing, their answer to "what do you want to be when you grow up" will be intense and certain yet change every few days/weeks, etc. so when you identify them as a bad kid or worse, then they will behave that way because they think that is what they are supposed to be. This attempt at correcting a child's behavior generally leads against its own goal and makes the child believe you *want* them to be bad because that is what you told them they are. But the general dehumanization of children is honestly an overall societal problem and considering how low the prevalence of ASPD is (even accounting for under-diagnosis), I think it's probably not a leading factor. That's just personal opinion though, a good portion of my response to this ask is.

It's really important to me that we address the belief that impulse control issues are inherent to and a major part of ASPD, because that genuinely is not the case. While it is a part of the diagnostic criteria, I'd like to point out that only 3/7 of those need to apply, and impulse control doesn't need to be one of them. Allow me to explain why this is important to me before anyone writes off this please, because this one actually is not opinion based. ASPD is well known to be a disorder heavily based on trauma in the overwhelming majority of cases - purely genetic ASPD without any trauma exists but is not common at all afaik. Discussing the majority who are traumatized, it's important to note that a lot of types of trauma *do not allow for impulse control issues*, at the expense of the child's safety and emotional/physical wellbeing. It is dangerous for a child dealing with trauma bad enough to cause a personality disorder to not be able to control themselves, and part of what ASPD is is a means of self-preservation in the face of a seemingly hostile, dangerous, and uncaring world/society. Thus the symptoms we see in ASPD - aggression, defensiveness, self-sufficiency, distrust of others, manipulation, lying, charisma, etc etc etc - are things that would have kept the child safer and get them ahead. For the children who were at risk if they were not able to control impulses, that symptom has quite a low chance of developing. Therefore, I don't think it's fair to say that that is an inherent part of ASPD. Our understanding of the neurology of ASPD is also very undeveloped - all research of ASPD up to and including current has been and continues to be biased and ableist, specifically mostly including inmates imprisoned for long sentences due to violent crimes, especially extreme ones and repeat offenders. This is naturally going to lead to the idea that ASPD is always or almost always associated with poor impulse control - because your average person with ASPD is not going to be included in these studies to get an accurate representation. Until we do get a largely unbiased understanding of ASPD, I don't think we can decisively say anything about the neurology of it, and I've seen several researchers and mental health professions alike agree with the idea that we don't know anything conclusive about that at this point for various reasons, including admittedly the lack of cooperative response many pwASPD would give a study like that.

I also have some notes on the issue of underdiagnosis, because I think it's based in a similar concept to what you said, but for the opposite reason. The people most likely to be diagnosed with ASPD are ostracized and isolated, as far as I've seen. The problem with underdiagnosis really comes in with the opposite type of ASPD which may well be the majority. That is the people who have crafted a seemingly normal adjustment to life and society - people who have friends (whether they're actual friends or just a front to seem normal), have healthy or at least long-term relationships of some variety, seem caring and kind, and are generally either well-liked or at least have no more effect on the people around them than neutral. It's not the ones who have been mistreated and openly get dismissed as bad and evil even into adulthood who don't get diagnosed, it's those of us who *don't* fit that stereotype. It's something a lot of us fight tooth and nail to get people to understand; I'm aware I seem empathetic and caring but that is both possible for pwASPD to learn to be and possible to fake. It is that dismissal and demonization of pwASPD that leads to diagnosis - but not from the people being demonized or dismissed by society.

All in all I don't entirely disagree with any point you make here and I think all of it is an important piece of the discussion of the risk factors of ASPD, but I think this understanding is missing a good amount too.

[ratatattouille]

what i really adore about everything now is how it actual respects teenage girls (and teenagers) as people. they aren't sexualized. anorexia, which affects primarily girls, isn't sexualized or trivialized. we see how horrible, ugly, terrifying, nuanced, and psychologically damaging it is--without being too graphic or torture porn. it's a real, serious illness that isn't a fad or phase, and i also like how mia's body dysmorphia and issues with gender don't make her nonbinary, because the show is explicit that this is a common experience for teenage girls in a world that sexualizes and demonizes their bodies, alienating them from their bodies, which is something that usually gets left out in conversations on gender. i related a lot to mia, even though i've never been anorexic, but i struggled a LOT with body dysmorphia as a teenager, and it's so . . . bro i get so emotional just thinking about how RESPECTFULLY how GRACIOUSLY and TENDERLY they talked about it and displayed it. it's so rare and it's so GODDAMN REFRESHING.

I also love how they explored how gay boys and boys in general are expected to be hypersexual with will and theo, and how scary a culture of pornography and enforced hypersexuality is on minors. how traumatic it can be. so many teen shows are exploitative of teenage sexuality, more interested in parading them than actually depicting teenage struggles. a lot of internet culture and porn culture in Hollywood is actually grooming, and it's so sad to me how many people don't realize how prevalent it is in a lot of shows aimed at teens (you know, MINORS).

i also love how they handled the abortion topic. too many shows keep trying to fear-monger girls when it comes to abortion, but many girls and women do not have regrets or nightmares or complications, and I'm glad they showed that perspective.

I ALSO LOVE how lesbian romance doesn't take a back seat and it is allowed to be developed and nuanced and takes precedence. bisexuality isn't seen as this deviant, confused state. and being gay isn't depicted as this glamourous, effortless thing, but neither is it miserable. it's all just normal.

this show is one of the few non-condescending, non-childish, non-adultified, non-exploitative, sincere, genuine shows on teenage humanity, especially the humanity of teenage girls.

AND POC CHARACTERS WEREN'T TOKENS. THEY WERE THE MC'S. IT WAS SO SO SO REFRESHING OMIGOD.

and stephen fry was just . . . i loved him. his character, his dialogue, his delivery, so so so good.

what a gem.

[zetchrr]

BG3 Tav Backstory Bash

This is a challenge to help people flesh out their Tav’s backstory by exploring their past. It is organized into four sections with seven prompts. You can treat this as a monthly challenge or a general project. You can write headcanons, fics, or share art based on the prompts! You can interpret the prompts however you want. If you want to share use the tag #bg3backstorybash

───────────────── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: .☽ . :☆ﾟ.─────────────────

Baby

Parents: So, Ka'zalii has no knowledge of who laid his egg and he's not really interested at this point in his life. His parent is still alive, raiding on the other side of the astral, a sorcerer who got entangled with abberant magic years ago.

He is the spitting image of Ka'zalii, if they did ever meet, they'd know instantly they were related. Birth: Straightforward egg hatching, on time, chomped and clawed his way out with no problems. First word: Knowing githyanki, probably a swear or a battlecry. Overheard from a raider arguing with the varsh or something probably. It's a marker of strength in your alien toddlers when they start swearing. When they first walked: I get the impression with githyanki that they're getting around by themselves pretty quickly. With how big those eggs are when they're about to hatch, they're strong enough to get moving straight away. So, his first little wobble around was under the encouragement of the varsh to throw themselves at each other and get clawing. Tantrum: I'm using my own toddler as a gauge for this because I picture Ka'zalii being similar. Chill as fuck most of the time, but explosive when a tantrum happens. Thankfully, this is before any magic manifests but still, tiny ball of frog rage over something so trivial. First sickness: It's more likely an injury than a sickness I think and probably a bite from a clutchmate. Thunderstorm: Immediately loves them, absolutely mesmerized by them. Not that his creche experienced them on its asteroid, but they can see them on the planet below and feel the atmosphere of them.

───────────────── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: .☽ . :☆ﾟ.─────────────────

Childhood:

Friends: There were two clutchmates he got close to early on, but the sa'varsh put a stop to that very quickly. Sabotaged their friendship quite expertly and encouraged them to fight each other often. Ka'zalii ended up in a fight to the death with one of them not long after. One of them still lives as a m'lar in Tu'narath. Siblings: He has one sibling from the same parent, but neither of them know they're related. They're called Vel, a psionic warrior. Currently off on their own insane adventure. If they ever reunite, they'll both have endless stories to tell. Getting into trouble: Frequently. When his wild magic manifests, he's causing chaos accidentally quite a lot. Undisciplined and volatile magic that his sa'varsh takes as a personal slight.

There's a few instances of sneaking around the creche and getting into rooms he's not supposed to be in too. This ends up being how he finds out he's fated for the next culling. Games: He learns card games and dice games from the older gith when he's a bit older. When he's small, games mostly consist of wrestling and fighting with clutch mates. Learning something new: Swordsmanship, his magic manifesting and learning to combine the two in battle. He took to his magic much faster than a blade, but while swordplay could be controlled and disciplined, his magic was definitely not. Trauma: The events that are the most vivid in his memory involve his magic. His magic being wild meant it was out of control often and undisciplined. His sa'varsh treated this as deliberate defiance and punished him for it. The scars on his back are the only scars he'd be rid of if he could. Obviously, this did nothing to help him learn to direct the surges, it just taught him to anxiously avoid using spells as much as possible.

───────────────── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: .☽ . :☆ﾟ.─────────────────

Teenager:

First love: Aside from a bit of experimenting and post battle relief, the first real connection he had to anyone was to Zeth. A ranger around his age, met after leaving his creche. They're still inseparable and when Ka'zalii becomes kith'rak, Zeth serves under him (huhuhu) as sarth and skilled assassin. Rebellion: Goes without saying really. Small acts of defiance throughout his teenage years unfortunately got him noticed as a problem. Such as sneaking into rooms with various records and going through them. His name ended up on the list for the next culling, leading to his departure. He was recruited to the Sha'sal Khou not long after leaving his creche. Running away: Ran away from his creche at around 17. His name was recommended for the next culling, the final push needed to persuade him to leave. He spent a few years assuming he was being pursued and didn't stay put for long. It led to his recruitment and meeting people who would become extremely important connections over the years. Reckless behaviour: So much so. Whether it's a side effect of his wild magic, or simply his nature, he never could quite decide. But he gave into the impulses often and with wild abandon. (He still does, much to the dismay of everyone around him, except Dahlia.) The time away from his creche, on the planet it orbited, were treated as opportunities to just unleash all that pent up stress and fling spells without fear of consequences. For the most part. Anything dangerous, with small odds of success, he was drawn towards. Peer pressure: There was a lot of pressure from his instructors, from the older warriors and from his clutch mates to gain control of his magic. It had the opposite effect if anything, you can't beat the wild magic out of someone, despite his sa'varsh's efforts. Growing pains: He ended up being 6'1" by the time he stopped growing, so he had plenty of this. Not that it was really acknowledged, endure and bear it like any good githyanki should. You take growing pains to a ghustil, you get laughed out the door. Taking responsibility: From an outside perspective, he took responsibility for his own life fairly early on, after leaving his creche. But from his point of view, he ran away from his responsibility to follow the path chosen for him. Instead of forcing his magic into cooperation, he failed and chose to evade his own death. Eventually, he views his departure as something he had to do to survive, but it takes him years to get to that point.

───────────────── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: .☽ . :☆ﾟ.─────────────────

Adulthood: Their "first time": Some time after leaving his creche, he ends up with an astral pirate crew and stays with them for a while. He ends up in a bit of a thing with the captain, who likely takes advantage of his desperate situation a bit. It isn't long before he finds a better place among a mercenary crew of kin. Serious relationships: I went into this a bit before, but Zeth is his first 'serious' relationship, as serious as gith get. Then it's an open relationship with each other and others as flings and post battle relief, until he meets Lae'zel. They start out as a fling, until not long after the second time they sleep together, he looks at her and has an oh fuck moment. He is catching feelings and that's bad. Keeps it as quiet as possible, but is not subtle at all, the others notice immediately. Cue relentless innuendos from Astarion and Shadowheart and endless encouragement from Karlach. Then the act 2 romance scene happens, dramatic duel where he gets absolutely flattened and loves every damn second of it. He worships the ground she walks on, he'd follow her anywhere. Work: There are some short lived piracy and mercenary jobs while he finds his feet. Then he gets recruited by the Sha'sal Khou and dedicates himself to it completely. Spy work, sabotage, the odd bit of assassination, disguises, eventually awarded the title of kith'rak and has his own little outpost and circle of kin he trusts utterly. Leaving home: He left his creche while he was still a teen, but it affected him for many years after. He doesn't really start confronting it until his time on Faerun and the whole netherbrain ordeal. Wyll is the one to break through the githyanki exterior and get some stories out of him and when Shadowheart shares her wolf memory, he shares one of his own memories in return. Aging: Age is a weird one for him. He's spent a lot of time on the astral plane, so he only counts the time he spends on the material. By the time the netherbrain is defeated, that amounts to around 28/29 years. But it has been 248 years since his hatching on the asteroid his creche exists on. Finding your place: The Sha'sal Khou was the first real purpose he felt he belonged to, but he refuses to think about how much of that was recruitment tactics. They got him when he was young, vulnerable, essentially homeless, easy target. He starts to question his place and the goals of his organization after becoming aware of the teachings of Orpheus and especially after actually meeting him. Lae'zel's conviction helps him analyse things a bit more closely, I imagine they had many a late night discussion in camp about it all. He confides in her often in the end. Eventually, he does defect to Orpheus' rebels, envisioning a civil war coming after Vlaakith's demise. There's also the couple of AUs for this version of events with Dahlia (@corvitine) being a catalyst in one timeline and Vanquish (@des-no9) being the catalyst in another. Starting a family/found family: Found family first of all. He doesn't realize this, but he has a lot of people around him that he should rely on. His inner circle that follow him to the rebels when he leaves: Zeth, Ka'a'dith, Ralith. The friends he makes in Faerun, all of the companions, they all keep in touch with each other I like to think. I also hc he goes back to Y'llek to get Varrl out of there, whether they have a sibling relationship or not, I haven't explored yet. He and Lae raise Xan and he has two eggs himself afterwards. In the Dahlia timeline, he ends up with a huge extended family from her, they end up with a sibling relationship and are absolute menaces together. They are the perfect reckless jigsaw pieces to each other. In Vanquish's timeline, he ends up with Lae a bit later, but he clicks with Van so quickly. They are also a nightmare together for anyone around them and it's great. ───────────────── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: .☽ . :☆ﾟ.─────────────────

[ym4yum1]

Preface — My favorite Spy (4)

November, 2024.

Part 1. Part 2. Part 3. Part 4.

Far worse than the sterilization itself was how AoU framed it.

Troubled, Bruce admitted, "There's no future with me. I can't ever… I can't have this. Kids. Do the math. I physically can't."

Natasha opened her heart, "Neither can I. In the Red Room where I was trained, where I was raised… They have a graduation ceremony. They sterilize you. It's efficient. One less thing to worry about. The one thing that might matter more than a mission. Makes everything easier. Even killing. You still think you're the only monster on the team?"

After hearing her emotional confession, Bruce's answer was a flat, "So, we disappear?" That was the end of it.

Infertility is a deeply painful experience for many, and it should never be equated with a person's humanity. Ever. Yet, that's exactly what this infamous exchange implied, even if unintentionally. How did no one — writers, editors, directors — catch this?

Bruce's implication, "I'm a monster, therefore I can't have kids," could never justify or suggest Natasha's conclusion, "I can't have kids, therefore I'm a monster." Right?

Both are deeply flawed — and damaging — ideas.

So… was AoU any good for Bruce Banner's arc?

The scene described above was an unnecessary, uncomfortable moment made worse by his passive reaction, which seemed to tacitly affirm the degrading notion that infertility diminishes a person's worth. Given his expertise in biology and medicine, Bruce should have questioned Natasha's distorted logic, responding with empathy and compassion even if he felt conflicted. Instead, the film depicted him as almost heartless, undermining his intelligence and emotional depth. Both characters were sidelined during a vulnerable moment that could have fostered genuine connection.

Bruce's iconic line, "I'm always angry," in The Avengers (2012) and Hulk's controlled demeanor when the team confronted a defeated Loki in the end of the movie suggested that Bruce had begun to achieve a degree of balance with his troubled alter ego. But in AoU, his sudden dependence on Natasha's "calming lullaby" trope — reminiscent of Beauty and the Beast — felt like a regression, undermining his hard-won progress.

The romantic tension between Natasha and Bruce in AoU also felt problematic, especially in light of Bruce's emotional struggles in The Incredible Hulk (2008). In that film, his physical intimacy with longtime girlfriend Betty Ross was constrained by his condition — any intense emotion, including arousal, could trigger his transformation. In AoU, Bruce's line, "I physically can't," could imply that he believed intimacy, and therefore fatherhood, were out of reach for him. In this context, Natasha's flirtation and sexual innuendo almost felt like emotional torment. Was she knowingly taunting him? A cynical view could suggest that it was all an act — that she was merely manipulating the man to tame the beast. Her actions come across as dismissive and ultimately undermined and trivialized them both.

Side Notes:

In The Avengers: Earth's Mightiest Heroes (Season 2, Episode 9, 2012), Bruce was hit with an adrenal inhibitor that temporarily prevented him from transforming into the Hulk — a potential solution if he wanted physical intimacy.

In She-Hulk: Attorney at Law (2022), Smart Hulk introduced his son, Skaar, in the season finale. In the comics, Skaar is the biological son of the Hulk and the alien Caiera from the planet Sakaar — where MCU Hulk was during Thor: Ragnarok (2017). So, yes — he only needed the right partner after all.

P.S.: I will post the full text here in parts, but you can read it all in the preface of the story posted on Fanfiction, Ao3 or Wattpad. Please, let me know what you think! 🤗😘

[miloscat]

[Review] Shadow the Hedgehog (GCN)

Sonic but with guns.

Sonic Team USA’s final game before returning to Japan was this title starring Sonic’s popular new rival character. It’s a very memetic game due to pushing the series in a slightly edgy direction with a rating one step higher than usual, with such content as Shadow wielding realistic guns and the cast uttering mild curses such as “damn”, “hell”, and “Maria”. But is there more to it than this?

One day Shadow is being a brooding moody dude, thinking about his amnesia, when suddenly aliens invade and start killing everyone. Because Shadow is such a cynical and apathetic cool guy he doesn’t care, until the leader of the alien Black Arms, Black Doom, promises him answers from his lost past. Now that it’s personal Shadow starts shooting people and grabbing Chaos Emeralds to do… something.

This is where the plot gets difficult to describe, as Shadow 05 (which is what I’m calling the game now, in the style of Sonic 06) has a branching structure. Each level has two or three separate objectives that will take you on a different course, giving different cutscenes and motivations for the edgy hedgehog. Edgehog. It all hinges around Shadow’s identity crisis which is a good hook for the character… one they already used in Heroes in fact. Shadow 05 replays and expands on those story beats while adding in a bunch of Sonic Adventure 2 follow-up. And aliens.

Is Shadow an alien? A robot? A failed science experiment? Does he want to protect the world, or destroy it? Ostensibly your actions determine the direction of the story, but the progression of the plot and Shadow’s arc are all over the place and thanks to the disjointed nature of the potential level order. The cutscenes often seem disconnected from what you’ve been doing, and Shadow will just get teleported somewhere so that the next level can start. There are ten different endings which amount to him basically saying one line differently, and because the path to get there is so complex there isn’t a consistent throughline so his motivation can seem to come from nowhere in these moments.

Despite story messiness, the prerendered cutscenes still look maybe the best in the whole series, except for Unleashed obviously. And even the in-engine ones look great too, with competent pacing and staging, and a full cast of professional voice actors for the first time, including Tails, now voiced by an adult! This is also the debut of Mike Pollock as Eggman who persist to this day and does an excellent job.

This step up in professionalism also comes with a technological advance. Heroes still looked like a Dreamcast game in many ways, while Shadow 05—despite being on the same consoles—feels truly next-gen (for the time). You know, whatever that means. Environments are detailed and busy, with pitched battles between the NPC factions playing out as you run through. Your interactions are complex but unusually for a Sonic game they also work reliably; much fewer missed light speed dashes this time around, for example.

Most levels play out in corridors, Shadow racing through them but often being interrupted. It can feel cramped due to narrow paths and debris clutter. The areas being filled with enemies to shoot and crates to break, on top of objectives which can demand slow and methodical hunting of particular objects or enemies, feels at odds with the standard fast-paced Sonic gameplay which the engine is still built around.

It helps that you can easily warp between checkpoints, a mechanic building on Charmy’s warp flowers in Heroes. This means if you miss something it’s trivial to go back and replay sections. Completing runs unlocks new guns in special crates, while really scouring a level can permanently get you keys. Find five keys for a particular level and a special door opens somewhere in the stage. The manual said these can contain warps or shortcuts but the only time I got all five was for the first level which you play through every run… you would think you could unlock a way to skip most of it but no, the door only contained a basic gun and a car, when there was already another car mere metres away. To say I was underwhelmed by this mechanic would be an understatement.

Having different objectives to complete within a level is a fun idea but in practice the action plays out mostly the same regardless, and if you're going for all ten endings like I did, you'll end up playing some levels the exact same way. Not to mention the bosses, which also get repeated across different branches, but worse there's only three final bosses between ten endings, and they're all stinkers. One of them is literally a slot machine on wheels that you have to chase around, it's shocking.

They try to vary things up in the levels which I appreciate. The vehicle sections aren't bad (and mostly optional), there's brief turret shooting bits, and rail shooter sequences that are a million times better than the ones in Sonic Adventure 1. You get decent grind rail parts complete with the JSRF-style tricking of Heroes but with better animation. While the shooting can feel a bit tacked on at times, there's a fair amount of weapon variety. Levels generally have some amount of branching, but two in particular have more sprawling open designs; these sadly don't work very well. In fact they're awful. Central City has you finding bombs within a strict time limit, and The Doom is just a maze of identical grey corridors. I tried to avoid them both after playing them once.

Within the 23 levels there's a good diversity of environments. Many of them are remixed from Adventure 2 and Heroes, which feel like fun callbacks that have been souped up. The Ark station for example feels more epic, whether you're flipping gravity, escorting Maria around in a flashback (even better, she's not in danger and you don't have to protect her), or falling through space as the structure collapses around you. Revisiting the Ark even lets them fill in lore gaps from SA2, like what is going on with the Artificial Chaos (there's also a fleeting line during the true final boss that explains how Shadow survived SA2's ending). The new biomes are even better, like a neon cyberspace, a fleet of ancient ruins animated into flying machines, or the creepy alien bio-base. Cool stuff.

Maybe my favourite feature is how the cast of Sonic characters have been integrated. In each level, Shadow has Black Doom talking in his ear telling him it's fun to do bad things, but also Sonic or one of his furry friends, or even Eggman, accompanies you. Also Espio is there sometimes. They'll tell you off for killing incapacitating the "good guys", act as your tutorialising Omochao figure, and just generally yuck it up with Shadow. Having a different buddy in almost every level who has their own stuff going on, helps you in battles, and lightens the tone a bit is a great use of the cast and a fun dynamic. The only downside is Big is nowhere to be seen. Boo.

When all you know about Shadow 05 is "lol guns" or "there are 326 possible progression permutations" it's easy to treat as a joke. But I didn't expect a "spinoff" to pay off story threads set up in the previous two games (I miss when Sonic games had continuity), or to integrate a huge array of gimmicks and mechanics mostly successfully. Or to be the most solidly built of the pre-Unleashed 3D games. Yes it's got its problems and messes, it's a 3D Sonic game. But Shadow 05 is not a spinoff, it's an essential game to this era. It may be my favourite of this era. And it definitely has the best vocal themes of the pre-Ohtani era in Almost Dead and Waking Up!

[blackjackkent]

Now that we're out of Moonrise, we can bring Minthara into the party, and she has a LOT of camp chat for Rakha to catch up on. Moving this into its own post from the other camp stuff, because there's a lot of it.

Annoyingly, we can't have the usual Durge onboarding conversation that we've had with the other companions, about Rakha's murder urges and bloodlust and memory loss. She also has a dialogue node labeled, "I need to talk to you about a private matter," but when I select that item, there's no dialogue options in it, which is weird.

We do, however, have the option to ask her about her opinions regarding the other companions, which is always fun.

"I'm curious to hear your thoughts about our companions."

"A disparate collection of vagabonds and strays. Did you have anyone particular in mind?"

-----

"I'm curious to hear what you think of Shadowheart."

"She is tolerable, but her faith in the Lady of Loss is poisonous."

"What do you have against Shar?"

"The Nightsinger has some admirable qualities - far more than her insipid sister - but her followers are repressed. Take the child, Shadowheart. She does not even know who she is, but still manages to pity herself. The very concept of Sharran worship is self-indulgent. They would have you think every whispered word and hidden thought is of value, but it is not so. I have performed a thousand interrogations, squeezing out the most-guarded secrets held in heart, mind, and soul. I can tell you this - when the trivial parts have been whittled away, and I have sifted through what remains, in most cases a person amounts to nothing at all."

This is a rather novel angle on philosophy for Rakha - but it echoes her own lack of interest in the religions that her companions are so invested in.

Somewhere in her past, she too has tortured people - she's had flashes of memory of it. Nothing concrete - but enough to know that her own experience was about pain and death, not about digging out information.

She wonders a little about the interrogations Minthara describes. What would that look like? Would Minthara, perhaps, be able to wrestle out the secrets hidden in Rakha's head that she herself cannot access?

Or would she, too, amount to nothing at all in the end?

-----

"What do you make of Astarion?"

"He's been deprived of freedom and strong blood for so long that he is addicted to both. While those addictions have their hold on him, he is still a slave."

"He'll be a slave to his blood-thirst as long as he lives."

"And while you live, you'll be enslaved to *your* appetites and hungers. We all feed on something, and if we are deprived of it, we will fight for it. But Astarion is not only bound to his needs and desires, he is still bound to something more powerful - his Master. He will only be free when Cazador is dead, and that is as it should be. When the time comes, we must hope that he does not only take Cazador's long life, but the power that has sustained him as well."

Fascinating.

The line about "appetites and hungers" obviously hits different for Rakha as a Durge, although Rakha has already long since equated her struggles with the Urge to Astarion's bloodlust.

More than anything specific about what Minthara is saying, I think Rakha is kind of just fascinated listening to her talk. In a way she is as blunt and direct as Rakha herself is, but still manages to project an eloquence and a sense of her words being informed by long experience in a way that Rakha simply isn't capable of.

-----

"How do you and Lae'zel get along?"

"I have encountered few githyanki in my life. Those that I did were raiders - they croaked out please for mercy in their alien tongue as they died. Meeting Lae'zel makes me wish I knew more of their culture."

"Why not ask Lae'zel to educate you?"

"I did. She told me she has nothing to teach that cannot be learned through observation of her prowess in combat. Perhaps she is right - she certainly cuts a striking figure in battle. There is a precision to her ferocity that I admire."

"It seems a rather brutal culture."

"To one who only sees the surface of things, perhaps. You should look deeper. In spite of her youth, there is a patience and precision in Lae'zel's thoughts and actions that I admire. Those qualities will strengthen as she matures."

I do like this quite a lot in the context of the drabble I wrote about Lae'zel and Minthara's initial meeting in Rakha's worldstate.

Minthara definitely sees a lot that she respects in Lae'zel and also sees that she is terribly young but has potential to be much more than she is currently. Clearly she sees right through Lae'zel's attempts at bluster. In this case, Lae'zel refusing to teach her directly was absolutely another bit of trying to puff up and look big.

Continuing to be fascinated by how Minthara really feels like a refined and sharpened and experienced version of Rakha's own thought processes. I feel like Minthara is in many ways a vision of what Rakha might have been like with a more solid amount of perspective and education to draw on.

-----

"Have you spent much time with Gale?"

"The wizard? No."

"Don't you like wizards?"

"Don't sulk. I admire your mastery of the Weave, but I have known many wizards. In my experience, they do not usually live long enough to make the effort of befriending them worthwhile. Either the enemy recognizes they are a threat, and kills them swiftly, or their curiosity leads them to combust while experimenting with the limits of magic." [Here she pauses and squints sardonically at Rakha for a moment] "Present company excluded, of course. I am sure you will live to a *ripe* old age. Gale, however, is already in a state of suspended combustion thanks to that orb between his ribs." [a humorless laugh] "I suspect it is only a matter of time before he goes up in smoke. I will reserve my social graces for those who might live long enough to appreciate them."

LOL. OK, it's official. I love Minthara.

I briefly thought this was sorcerer-specific dialogue but then I remembered Rakha has a couple levels in wizard; luckily it works regardless, because Rakha was definitely about to get sulky about he implications. I think she's gathered that the nuances of distinction between wizards and sorcerers tend to be lost on most people.

Minthara was absolutely being WILDLY sarcastic about Rakha living to a ripe old age. She's only seen Rakha in combat once so far, but she already knows her new traveling companion has a tendency for, to put it mildly, recklessness.

Historically, Rakha tends to be a little sour towards people who are mean to her companions. However, Minthara now is a companion as well, which in Rakha's eyes gives her a little more room to speak her mind. And, deep down, Rakha has to admit she has a point; after all, Gale himself insists that he has no choice but to let the orb do its work in the end.

-----

"You and Karlach seem to be friendly."

"I have never known anyone so ferocious and unassailable in battle, and yet so fragile and impermanent in their very being. I often think of mortality as a curse. In time, all that I am and all that I have known and learned will be lost. In time, our cities will be dust. Karlach does not seem to have such anxieties. Perhaps because she cannot afford to. She exists in the moment, and she will burn out and be gone in a moment. There is something very beautiful about that."

<3 Everyone loves Karlach.

Rakha didn't have any further comments to make about this one. I think she's just kind of listening quietly. This conversation has already been enough to show me that Minthara just utterly fascinates her. Everything she says feels like something Rakha might have thought but would never have been able to find the words for - a blunt and pragmatic view of the world touched a deeper understanding and near-poetry. Her words are informed by history and memory, where Rakha has none.

She wishes she could speak like this to Wyll.

Speaking of which...

-----

"Any thoughts on Wyll?"

"He is exceedingly self-righteous. Amusing, considering he bound himself to a devil."

"Wyll is a good man."

"I will take your word for it. I only care that he is a good soldier, and he has not disappointed me on that front."

Hah. This absolutely reads to me as Minthara getting herself revved up to roast Wyll like nobody's business, and then belatedly remembering Rakha's obvious feelings for him and just deciding to keep her mouth shut. XD

I don't think, at this point, Minthara could talk Rakha out of caring for Wyll; he's had too much of a formative impact on her worldview. But it would have made her uncomfortable, certainly, to listen to Minthara talk derisively about him.

-----

There are a few other quick dialogue options outside the companion discussion; most of them are things we already know. Ketheric is invulnerable, which she witnessed in person in battle, and while her oath of vengeance on Lolth's behalf is now broken, she has a new one - revenge against the Absolute and all those who follow it.

But one bit was particularly interesting to me as part of Rakha's story:

"Do you remember all that you did in the Absolute's name?"

"I was the Absolute's dagger. I remember every throat that it held me to, and every drop of blood it forced me to spill. I take no responsibility for the lives I took. I did nothing in the Absolute's name - I was merely a weapon that it wielded."

This is the first jarring note in the conversation, really. Rakha, too, has felt at times like her body is merely a weapon for the beast in her head... but she is all too conscious, especially lately, of her own feelings of guilt at what she has been made to do. "I've lost control of myself before," she mutters harshly. "I hate it."

Surprisingly enough, Minthara's expression softens slightly. "You have my sympathy. The tadpole... the Absolute... they work together like a drug. I did not feel I was compelled to act against my will. I felt ecstatic to serve. Every action seemed a deliberate choice - the best choice - even though I could no more have resisted its commands than flesh can resist decay."

"Even rational minds like ours cannot reject such a powerful influence. The Absolute can make the impossible seem inevitable."

Rakha remembers the moments where the beast has won. It is not exactly like what Minthara describes - more like watching her body puppeted from a distance while she is torn out of her own control. But it is still close enough that it makes her shudder.

Then again... with Rakha's help, Minthara has found a way free of the compulsions that the Absolute drove through her. Perhaps, with Minthara's help, Rakha may yet find a way free as well.

[runthepockets]

Tbh I'm really tired of battle of the sexes wars. Like, if it isn't cis men and women arguing over who has it harder, it's trans men and women doing the same shit. It's article after article of (rightfully) angry women talking about swearing off dating and sex forever due to dudes being so perverted and invasive, and the worst men you've ever met having their voices amplified in retaliation, both further alienating the women whose approval and affection we so desperately crave and making it harder for other men to talk about legitimate anxieties and struggles we have navigating the world. I hate that articles about high suicide rates and high rates of isolation and depression in men has brought out women who say things like "oh wah wah men's feewings I cannot BELIEVE I have to take RESPONSIBILITY for this CRAP again men are lonely cus they SUCK MEN'S FAILURES are the reason they're miserable", even when none of the studies are implicitly or explicitly blaming women for this problem (and even if they were, there's gotta be a way to deescelate / point out the entitlement of these accusations without victim blaming).

I hate that I end up dating and befriending a lot of feminist women who routinely encourage men to be vulnerable, and then my vulnerability immediately triggers an argument or a shitty dissmissive attitude or me being accused of manipulation, and I hate that those same women having (understandable) biases against men have gotten me up in arms reacting in pretty similar ways. I hate the way men talk about women's bodies when women aren't around. I hate the way women talk about male sexuality when there are no men around. It all feels awful. And I hate that voicing this to queer friends hasn't really gotten me anything but "lol thank god I'm not straight" or something of that nature. I hate how straight relationships have the potential to be just as beautiful and vindicating and empowering as any other human relationship but we're all barred by socioeconomic factors and poor / vastly differing communication skills.

This is why I got so into Men's Liberation two years ago. It gives me a space to vent my feelings and greivances as a straight guy without feeling like a total jerkoff while also being sympathetic to feminist ideals and views. It's very grounding. I can practice run and analyze my greivances after properly grieving in a safe and educated space, then I can approach the women in my life without the cotton between my ears and my defenses lowered instead of immediately shutting down at the first sign of discomfort. It's why I'm so loud about a lot of these issues; I believe everything is connected, and if men and women's lives and experiences and socioeconomic statuses are so deeply intertwined with each other under cishet capitalist white supremacist patriarchy, they need to be intertwined in the process of abolishing it, too. But I can't do that with my trauma and anger dictating my politics, nor can the women that find themselves in my sphere. It's also part of why I stopped hanging out in woman dominated spheres as often; while I'm not going to deny women their right to vent, the anti-male sentiment was debilitating, and I deserve a life free of any more neurosis around my manhood than I already may have (there was also nothing there for me anymore anyway, being a straight dude and all).

I think this is another thing I like about being straight; as nice as it I'm sure it is to never have to worry about these seemingly trivial aspects of "straight culture", and as much as I support gay people having spaces to feel at home in their own skin and to vent about their oppressors, it also seems like it sometimes blinds you to the fact that the "opposite gender" isn't really going anywhere (or that the opposite gender even exists, generally) and gay seperatism isn't a realistic or helpful solution, even for other gay and trans people.

[ohyeahben10]

You know those Alien Force advertisements about Alien X that were all “Ben 10’s Most Powerful Transformation! Ben is Scared to Use Him!” ? When really Ben was all ‘well fuck these guys’. I think that the advert is actually how Gwen 10 would experience Alien X.

The late Derrick J Wyatt believed that Gwen 10 could get control of Alien X easier than Ben Prime did. Personally, I agree, so there has to be obstacles to prevent her from doing this, lest the show be trivialized by early full control Alien X.

First, I don’t think Alien X is apart of Gwen’s Recalibrated 10 (I personally just don’t think the Recalibrated 10 is as solid as the OG 10 so I feel comfortable changing it).

Gwen wouldn’t unlock Alien X until Gw10 So Long and Thanks For All the Smoothies, as apart of the Complete Omnitrix’s don’t let the user die failsafes. (Which is the first time Alien X gets to do anything important in the show anyway so it works out) After recreating the entire Universe, Gwen would be scared to touch on the transformation again. Which gives enough time for her to only gain greater control of Alien X like Prime Ben did.

[atomic-lola]

Is Morrowind worth playing for the first time 20 years later? 

Obviously, it depends on who you are as a player. I'm a huge Elder Scrolls (TES) nerd, and my entry point for the series was Oblivion, and I figured it was about time I try the 3rd game, Morrowind. 

My overall impressions of (a moderately modded) Morrowind? Eh, it was pretty fun, but I wouldn't replay it again necessarily. I know lots of people absolutely love it and it's their favorite TES game, but that may be a little bit of nostalgia talking (I have a theory that your first TES game is your favorite TES game), since the game has some real flaws, given its age and despite that. The main quest has some weird jumps in pacing and the whole main plot seems rather fuzzy and confusing while you're completing the first zillion fetch quests. And there's a lot of fetch and other trivial quests in this game overall. I also did not enjoy how there's essentially no overarching plot (really) for most of the factions or guilds, as there is in later TES games. I completed the Fighter's, Mage's, Imperial Cult, and House Hlaalu factions, and they're mostly just a big ole bunch of fetch quests that aren't really tightly connected. I also got really tired of the "wikipedia links" that compose dialog in this game: you end up just bouncing around all the links and conversations become very confusing and disjointed. My biggest beef, however, was the dang map. It's not great, and since there's no quest markers, you can end up wandering around forever trying to find something for a fetch quest. The wiki has a fantastic map, and I couldn't have completed this game without alt-tabbing to view it, but a good map is absolutely essential for an open-world game, in my opinion: it's better for playability and accessibility. The journal is also a disaster in that it's purely chronological. This is typical of games of its era (looking at you, original Baldur's Gate), but it's really frustrating to deal with.

Those gripes out of the way, there's a lot I did enjoy about Morrowind:

1. The vibes are fantastic. It feels like an alien world. Bethesda did a great job designing a fantasy setting that is just ~weird~ and immersive

2. There's multiple paths to completing some guild quests and the main quest, which I appreciated

3. Characters really reacted to you based on faction, stage of the main quest you're in, etc.

4. Exploration is super fun. The best part of this game, I feel, is just wandering around - without somewhere to be! If you're trying to find somewhere in particular it is frustrating as hell - enjoying the vibes and going spelunking in random dungeons

5. The dungeons are fun! they're short and have interesting loot and baddies to fight

Overall, I enjoyed my time in Morrowind, but for me personally, I don't have much interest in trying out other character builds or factions beyond what I already have. I think it's worth trying if: 1) you're a TES nerd, or 2) you're an old-school RPG fan or someone who has the patience to enjoy old-school approaches to journals, stats, combat, etc. If you're someone who wants or needs a more modern RPG experience, then I think you can pass on this (or watch a Let's Play on Youtube).

If you're interested in knowing which mods I used and recommend for my playthrough as a first-timer, I'll be sharing those soon in another post, so stay tuned!

[syrinq]

i fucking despise being stuck on epic oc/art/worldbuilding ideas for 3939373 years as much as the next guy, but. man. the satisfaction that comes out of mashing multiple ideas together perfectly, even more so if it ties in perfectly with already-established crap that doesn't have to fucking change for it.

aka syrinq is going to yell about her oc worldbuilding for a sec and tell starfield and star wars and whatever other mainstream humanity-in-space sci-fi bullshit to suck her ass forever

anyway. imagine a sci-fi futuristic bozo fuckworld filled with swag robots only. now imagine one previously-existent idea, that scientists at one point, experimented with bacteria to see what they could do. like i don't know, grow a new whole ass beast.

now i want you to imagine a whole ass planet that i had initially written off as "the ginormous mining rig". more ideas, spots and cultures pending.

now, i want you to imagine the desire to make some kind of working subway system/underground city somewhere. and i think, wow, this could possibly go in the funny mining rig planet, because some areas are too extreme to terraform or need to keep the environmental hazards for minerals and meth or whatever.

and now i want you to imagine me turning into gru & his stupid whiteboard. i am laughing like a villain when i look at three separate ideas above coming together, thanks to the fourth swag idea i wanted to pull inspiration from for ages: The Smartest Slime Planning Trainways

now you see. my little science robots can use the already-existent bacteria experiments and expand on those- and through that, after years and years of funny and trivial and gross data. they let them fucking plan a subterranean hub, so they don't go blindly digging for tubers on the mining rig planet. of course this funny city-planning technology would need a stupendous name, but regardless.

sci-fi that isn't "out there" in terms of obscurity besides the usual scawy geometrical triangle of doom or green human aliens or transparent hologram interfaces. eat my fucking ass. forever

[prettyboywolfwood]

enjoy the moment (it won’t last forever) | vashwood | E | read the full fic here, excerpt below with more under the cut

Despite their initial hang-ups at the whole…situation, Nicholas considers this to be good progress. Stellar, even, if he says so himself. Maybe he’s tooting his own horn a little, but anyone who got Vash the Stampede relaxed enough to be spread and glistening between his thighs would too. Good start, but he isn’t done yet.

Nicholas sits back on his knees, resting hands on his thighs with a low whistle-whine in appreciation as he looks the younger Vash up and down.

There’s an airiness to his eyes that doesn’t match up to the Vash he knows. It hurts to look at, to know what’s looming on the horizon for this guy. Nicholas isn’t here to change that path, any deviations from his experiences will have to come by their own hands. No, Nicholas is here to change one thing, and one thing only; a little push and shove where he knows it’s needed.

He stares for longer than he should, eyes tracing familiar yet distant scars. There’s more lost tech on Vash’s body, and where his scars etch beyond raised rough skin there are deeper valleys of scarred skin that appear alien to him. The flush of pink from cheeks to chest gives him that angelic look that Nicholas eats up every time he bears witness to it. Never mind Vash’s clear excitement and what it took to get him like this.

“Do you have to look at me like that?” He says, pathetic enough to make Nicholas reach to pinch at the plush meat of his inner thigh. “Ouch!”

“D’aw, that didn’t hurt for real, did it, sugar?” Nicholas teases as he watches Vash carefully, picking up on the quiver of his lower lip and hitch in his breath. He knows what buttons to push, what can get Vash going. There are bound to be plenty of differences between the Vash he knows and the one laid out before him, but Nicholas is willing to bet that his experiences with his Vash will give way to the perfect blueprint tonight. Laying it on a little thick should be just fine.

Vash shakes his head, tentatively looking him in the eyes. Nicholas searches for hesitation, nerves, any hint that Vash may want to back out. Where he finds none, he smooths over the spot of soft skin where he pinched with the rough pad of his thumb as a sweet apology, with intent to make it sweeter.

“Remember what I told ya. You say the word, and this stops,” Nicholas says, shifting to lay on his belly, Vash’s swollen cock and shiny wetness decorating his upper inner thighs mere inches away from his face. He subconsciously licks his lips, ready to devour and take Vash apart.

He half expects the younger Vash to still, to question and pause their night. What he knows for certain is that things between this Vash and his version of Nicholas are less than experienced together. It’s bizarre to think about another him out there, but he’s old enough to recognize when younger him could’ve used a little push.

Especially about Vash.

However, Nicholas is pleasantly surprised when Vash nods and tightens the grip holding his legs open as Nicholas had instructed him to do earlier.

“I remember. Red. I’ll say that if I need to, but please, Wolfwood—“ Vash’s eyes are glazed with anticipation, a look Nicholas knows well.

And, well. That’s all the encouragement he needs to dip down and finally lap at Vash’s cock with his tongue, lingering to circle around him at a lazy pace.

“—ah, o-oh okay, that’s—“ Vash reels with a shiver, biting into his lip in a vain attempt to quell the noises leaving him, which he would call rather embarrassing.

Good thing Nicholas isn’t concerned with trivial things like shame right now.

[theseventhoffrostfall]

Read all of the 3 body problem books so you don't have to.

TL;DR its very cold and sterile and no real stakes as a result, making it take place over thousands of years and devoid of enough human connection it has a very "why should I care" feeling. I am not sure if this is a Chinese cultural way of viewing things but it reads like the outline of a better story that'd be filled in later. Closest comparison I can make is Warhammer except everyone has human length lifespans and you look at things from a galactic level scale and after 10,000 years it's hard to care about anyone. I also largely hate all things being equal pessimists at this point. It felt more like a weird acid-trip deep dive into a thought experiment that you pull out of and think "huh, that was fucked up" than any great sweeping narrative and no, i dont care how groundbreaking or deconstructive your story is, it needs to have a plot that makes you invested and the lack thereof isn't the accomplishment you think it is.

But it also irks me that it once again falls into the "this isnt your dumb made up science fiction, this is REAL science fiction" trap. It feels like these authors have 1 specific thing they are maybe more interested in, in this case mathematics, and use that as a crutch of superiority while the rest is as made up as everything else. I'll give GRRM a mild pass since he was writing in the aftermath of Dragonlance, but spec fiction has an issue of defining what it ISNT instead of what it IS. Hell, Tolkien could come out today and market LOTR as "the most realistic fantasy because it charts linguistics and genealogy and cultural evolution in a much more realistic way" vs the others that don't. Which is both ironic given that Tolkien is usually the example used to contrast [insert current trendy author]'s works and the primogenitor of many many things, and also proving the point really that no one writes "better" or "smarter" sci fi/fantasy, and that most authors have 1-3 things they really hone in on accuracy wise and fudge the rest.

(NOTE: yes, there are lots of dumb fantasy/sci-fi that dont even try, Dragonlance doesn't even try to make the 3rd book any good which is why you should stop with Gigachad Sturm Brightblade's better-than-it-has-any-right-to-be character arc)

On the "Probably accurate in one respect but inaccurate in others", I know it's partially a product of the times and understanding of the math involved in both has changed, but the premise of the alien invasion is predicated on the notion that FTL travel is utterly impossible--rather than mathematically possible to the point of the drive being one of the least difficult things to build in a starship--while quantum entanglement-based FTL communication is trivial to manage rather than actually impossible.

It's very much a story where you could find and replace "Aliens" with "wizards" and "Technology" with "Spells" and not change all that much, but in perfect fairness I know very little about the author and if he ever claimed to be Ultra Realism Man personally or if that title was thrust upon him.

The bits of attempted human connection I was seeing in the early stages of the 2nd book are literally why I dropped the series, so I'm not gonna complain about that going away moving forward.

Also, yeah, Sturm is the best part of that series bar none. Elf chick's character development dovetailing off of his arc was also surprisingly interesting, even though they (naturally) faceplanted in handling it at the end of the original trilogy.

[pearwaldorf]

Gaza, Israel, antisemitism, US politics in relation to, all that good shit

Up front: I'm an American gentile. I have Jewish friends.

Everything is fucked! I cannot believe the Biden administration is just going to go along with whatever the fuck the Israeli state is going to do in Gaza. You can't tell 2.5mm people to get out of a place without giving them a place to stay or even a humanitarian corridor!

This has been going on for decades, with the world turning a blind eye to immense suffering. No wonder Palestinians are pissed. And whatever you want to say about (Israeli) civilian casualties and resistance against colonialism and how people are "supposed" to ask for oppressors to take boots off their necks, you can't make these things pretty or acceptable.

(My therapist and I were talking about all this yesterday, and he was like "What purpose is there in Hamas harming civilians?" And I replied, "Why is there this implicit assumption that an Israeli life is more valuable than a Palestinian's?")

I hear the sorrow and pain of my Jewish friends when they say they feel alienated from their communities because it's not acceptable to think of Palestinians as people deserving of safety and dignity. And that's fucked.

I am 40 years old. I am aware of at least four genocides (Kosovo, Rwanda, Myanmar, the Uighurs) that have happened/are happening in my lifetime. And this is probably going to be the fifth. And I don't know how to process this. Can someone process this?

At the same time, I hear about a lot of antisemitism on the left. I figure if both the left and the right are stupid about a thing, it's really really bad.

Here is how I understand it, based upon my own ethnic origins. I'm of Chinese descent. I was born here. My parents immigrated here from China, and because China doesn't do dual citizenship, they lost their citizenship there when they became Americans. We have no political connections to the country itself. But somehow, I as an individual, am held morally culpable for the actions of a government I have absolutely nothing to do with. If I was physically or verbally assaulted by somebody who holds Sinophobic sentiment, that would be unacceptable. So why is it fine when it happens to Jews?

The notion of dual loyalty is inherently racist, and of course it's a double standard that has been applied to people of many ethnicities. But it is very strongly associated with Jewish people, and that is absolutely fucked.

A long time ago, somebody asked me why I reblog so much stuff about Judaism and antisemitism when I'm not Jewish. Would they have asked this about anti-Black racism or transphobia? I have had Jewish friends tell me my visible solidarity, however trivial it feels, is comforting to them. And that sucks, that in this day and age it's still considered strange to stick up for a group that experiences oppression.

I'm not a historian or even an interested amateur who's done research. I can't tell you much about the geopolitics of it all. But I can say that paying attention to who gets humanity ascribed to them, by whom, is always a good place to start.

[beetledee0]

Your bug lover swag and psychological issues have captivated me. Platonic in all senses, more like a scientist way tho

look at this little guy i yoinked from the dirt a couple days ago at midnight while waiting for the kettle to boil ^_^

According to my fifteen minutes of firefox combing they’re a false wireworm, or vegetable beetle! Which makes sense because they were scuttling around not ten centimetres from the side of my cucumbers. There were a few more of them i just didn’t think i’d have the ability to juggle four beetles and my phone camera all at once. They’re pests, logically speaking, but Gabin the neighbourhood possum, the local mischief of magpies and the neighbour’s cat have done more damage to my tomatoes than a colony of dirt beetles ever will so they’re welcome friends by me. I love arthropods. They’re so alien and yet so much older than anything remotely evolutionarily related to humans by a long shot. Did you know ancient ancestors to arthropods figured out exoskeletons before fish had figured out proper jaws? Can you imagine what it must be like to be so small? There’s so little space between your nerves that you experience time hundreds of times faster than we can even comprehend- that’s why you’ll never catch that fly in your room. Being that little and thinking that fast also means that the simple act of moving through air feels like wading through honey. That’s how bees fly. Not with lift or drag or any of our known aviation mechanics but by rowing their way through a sryup-like ocean. What would a bug think about? A moth lands on my screen and doesn’t comprehend any of the symbols there or what it is or what the million crystals that make up its surface are but it sees light and beauty and is drawn to it all the same. I look at the nebula I saw in the night sky once and i comprehend nothing of its age and size and physics but it’s there and I am looking and it is beautiful. If that moth could know, only for a moment, would it break itself? To a moth, you’d be cthulhu. unthinkably large and eternally unfathomable, with knowledge you will never gain for yourself and intelligence beyond what you can even comprehend. A fly lands on my keyboard and it doesn’t understand anything. The material, the purpose, the use, the meaning of the symbols. But if it did, for a moment, would the eldritch knowledge drive it mad? All of that information we view so trivially into a mind that couldn’t fathom fathoming it four microseconds ago, and then it’s a fly again, and it doesn’t understand, but now it understands that it doesn’t understand and that it did once and it drives itself manic with the desire to do so again. Bugs are so simple compared to us and yet they help me put everything into perspective with how big my thoughts get sometimes. Looking down helps me look up with more stability. To learn is to love and to understand is holy, and the universe has always been a divine entity to me. My god, my eldritch horror, my first love. A bug could be an angel in the hall of my religion. I think I was doomed the day they said they perceived their xenogender as the flow of time, the vastness of space, the void and the unknown and unfathomable. The incredible violence of physics. They called themself a monster often. When is a monster not a monster? Oh, when you love it. When it tried to sing you to sleep once for the simple fact it thought you needed it. I fell in love with the universe once, why wouldn’t I a second time? I’ve spent all my life stargazing, how is looking up at you any different? You named yourself Cain to remind yourself you will always be inclined to violence but the reason you were born in the first place is because an infinite number of things died and destroyed each other and ripped at each other with teeth and fangs made of gravity and fission and fire. You’re violent like a storm, like the sea, and doesn’t the rain feed the earth all the same? Give it life? don’t we owe our existence to a patch of dirt and a dripping sky?.what was i talking about again