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wantonlywindswept · 1 year ago

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fox & rex ficbit

finally wrote some tcw! whoo.

tbh not entirely sure where this is headed (a lie: i know exactly where i want this to end up, and it is with alpha-17 storming coruscant in a fit of protective rage and also murder) and atm it’s just a lot of exposition ideas because...i still have no real solid feel for the characters?? so i’m kind of working through that.

it is exhausting. star wars fanon you are exhausting. why can my brain not just write with the tropes and be done with it

anyway basically rex and fox are alpha-17′s feral children/brothers/students/?? because all three of them are competent chaos gremlins. set vaguely after geonosis but before the GAR is actually properly structured, bc if star wars doesn’t know what its timeline is then why the hell should i

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Growing up on Kamino, Rex and Fox had three things in common: a taste for the popularly-loathed blue carbohydrate cubes, an unstoppable compulsion to always be the best at anything they did, and the extremely dubious honor of being Alpha-17's favorites.

Fox was one of the earlier Command Class clones decanted, the eldest of a batch that boasted Wolffe, Gree, Bly, and Cody: possibly the strongest CC batch that Kamino would ever produce. He came out with a massive chip on his shoulder and left his tact in his tube, and made a sport of talking back to every single trainer in the Cuy'val Dar--which was why he once spent two weeks in Medical with broken ribs, a punctured lung, and Dred Priest's bootprints on his chest.

On the other hand, Rex came from a CT batch that was nearly flushed for genetic deviation, and of the original five, only he and Crys made it past cadet training. He clawed to the top of all his training modules fueled by fear and spite, and did everything by the book to avoid any kind of attention that might further mark him as defective: he kept his head down and his mouth shut, no matter what he actually thought about things.

Alpha's ARC training was good for the both of them, in the end: it taught Rex how to speak his mind, and it taught Fox how to shut the fuck up.

"15 - 5," Alpha announced cheerfully, leaning on his training staff without even the slightest indication of being tired. Fox, flat on his back at Alpha's feet, wheezed something that might have been a curse.

"I'm starting to think that those 5 were a fluke," Rex said blandly.

Fox's next growl was definitely a curse, and he lifted trembling hands to sign something insulting and anatomically improbable in Rex's direction.

"Go on, stop whining into my mats," Alpha said, nudging Fox in the side with his foot. "It's time for me to beat the other little brat into the ground."

Rex watched, snickering, as Fox very clearly struggled to keep from offering Alpha a similar insult.

It was good that he was finally developing a sense of self-preservation.

It was just the three of them left in the gym, long after most sane troopers retreated to lick their wounds and get some kind of rest before they did the same thing all over again tomorrow. Even Fox's certifiably unhinged batch had abandoned them after a couple hours of extra training; most of the CCs had been tagged for the ARC classes, but some were taking to it with a little more enthusiasm than others.

Fox peeled himself off the floor, using his staff as a crutch as he staggered to the deceptive safety outside of the training ring. He passed Rex along the way; his encouraging pat on the shoulder turned into more of an uncoordinated smack to the side of the head, which Rex magnanimously decided to forgive on account of knowing he'd probably need Fox's help standing up later.

Alpha was brutal, and relentless, and more than a little bit of a dick, but he wasn't cruel. He pushed them hard, taught them everything he knew, and if sometimes Rex caught him looking at them like he was worried they'd vanish the moment they left his sight, well.

The campaign on Geonosis had been a hell of a debut. They'd lost thousands of brothers, and now they were all on edge waiting for their official postings. There was no telling where they'd end up next.

Fox would undoubtedly be deployed where the fighting was the heaviest; he came off Geonosis with a dossier of accolades and a near-spotless string of victories. The rest of his batch had done equally well--all save Cody, who'd been unwillingly left behind on Kamino with a grade three concussion and a broken orbital bone, courtesy of one of Isabet Reau's battle circles.

Rex was probably destined for something similar. He'd performed well enough that he was guaranteed an officer commission, and he'd been all but adopted into the Command class after taking control of a battalion that had lost their commanding officer. It would be an absolute waste to not send him to the front lines.

Once ARC training was over, once they got their assignments and shipped out, it was entirely possible this would be the last time that Alpha saw them both alive.

With that cheery thought in mind, Rex spun the staff in his hands, met Alpha's grim expression with a sharp nod, and launched himself into the ring.

(Later, after Alpha dumped them both in the showers and ordered them not to drown, Fox gave him so much shit for only managing to win three matches out of twenty. But he also hauled Rex into the closer barracks that he shared with his batch, shoved him into the empty bed, and immediately passed out on him, which was enough of a comfort that Rex figured he could put off his vengeance for later.

Maybe in the morning.

Maybe after they came back from the war, and they could prove to Alpha that he hadn't just sent them off to die.)

#tcw #tcw fanfiction #commander fox #captain rex #alpha-17 #i have the looming sense of dread #that this is one of those fandoms #where i'm going to have to change my mental characterizations from story to story #which drives me ABSOLUTELY crazy #but detangling canon and fanon and personal headcanon is goddamn exhausting #like do i want to write soft family feels?#or do i want fox and wolffe having competitive angry hatesex?#(i say)#(like i have the willpower to bother writing smut anymore)#maybe the characterizations will settle if i write them more idk #ANYWAY #also i have STILL not finished actually watching tcw #what is my life even #cunning and courage

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loregoddess · 5 months ago

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Bernadetta for the character breakdown?

How I feel about this character LOVE HER, she's one of my favorite characters actually. I enjoyed all of her supports in Houses, and I appreciated that her characterization was consistent across all the routes. Despite her anxiety getting played for laughs a bit, I felt like there was actually a decent amount of depth to her character overall after I had finished playing all the routes and reading all her supports.

Hopes...did her a bit dirty (although all the BE characters--except Hubert, Petra, and most of Caspar's writing--got kinda shafted in Hopes, although NOT to the same degree that the Church characters got shafted). I do appreciate that she's one of the "you can recruit her on every route" characters in Hopes, because the fact that she is extremely good at surviving does fit with pre-established characterization. Hopes leaned more heavily into her anxiety and made it even more of a joke, whereas with some of the later supports/monastery convos in Houses it felt more like Bernie's extreme expression of her anxiety was a genuine response to a traumatic childhood rather than just "haha, look at this girl who is afraid of everything" so take that as you will. I still love her lots though.

All the people I ship romantically with this character Finally a shipping question I can sorta answer, bc FE is one of the few games with ships I enjoy. I'm partial to her paired endings in Houses with Raphael and Yuri (love, love, love the idea of her taking a commoner spouse to spite her father), and Bernadetta is my favorite paired ending for Hubert. So I'm overall partial to those ships from Houses.

Hopes doesn't have paired endings, but her supports with Marianne are SO GOOD and I think the two would make a lovely couple. Her supports with Hapi are excellent too, but I see the two more as besties afterwards, although I wouldn't be averse to the ship either.

She doesn't have any supports with Ignatz, but they're both artists who're nervous around other people to various degrees, so I could see them working well as a pairing, either romantically or platonically. (Yes, Ignatz is the most "doesn't have supports with this character, but would make a great partner for them" character in 3H, no I don't know why I think this, he just has a lot of untapped potential relationships, and he and Bernie WOULD get along really well methinks, bonus points bc he's a commoner).

My non-romantic OTP for this character Love Bernadetta's friendships with Petra, Dorothea, and Leonie in Houses. I think Bernadetta and Ingrid would eventually get along as friends even though their supports kinda nosedived (to make a joke about Ingrid's character though)--but like, Ingrid clearly sees a lot of Bernie's strengths and respects those strengths, so if the writers had just leaned into that more instead of "Ingrid is fanatical about training and will drag everyone else into it", I think the two would have had a super interesting dynamic.

As noted above, per Hopes I think Bernie and Hapi become besties for sure, even if their approach to carnivorous plants is very different.

I loved her supports with Alois in Houses as well, and I think--given Alois's nature--that he would act as a surrogate uncle-figure to Bernadetta, and the two would have a good uncle-niece -esque relationship overall. I also really enjoyed her supports with Seteth, but I prefer to think of the two as weird friends afterwards (even if their paired ending has the two eventually married, I just see them being platonic "weird found family" to each other, moreso than romantic).

I have...a lot of mixed thoughts and feelings on Sylvain as a character, but I do think his supports with Bernadetta were good, and I also think their supports could have been a lot deeper if the writers had given them more thought, bc Bernie--like Mercedes--had a fucked up childhood bc of her Crest and, my trying to untangle what is going on with Sylvain aside, I think he would have empathy for Bernie's situation, and probably offer to kill her dad as well. So, even if only in the version of 3H where I start reworking things in my head, I think the two would be weird friends as well. Like, in my head Sylvain is her #1 fan when it comes to her writing and art, but also feels for her situation and is lowkey protective of her as a result.

She also has supports with Dimitri in Hopes which are...okay. They could have been so much better though. I think the two would get along as extremely weird friends, and by extension I think Bernadetta could have had really interesting supports/friendships with Dedue, Ashe, and potentially Rodrigue (although he would have been another weird "surrogate uncle" for her in Hopes at least).

Bernie doesn't have supports in either game, but I think she would get along well with Mercedes and Annette too--maybe even Constance as well, although Bernie would have an easier time around Constance's "daylight" side as compared to her "night" side. I think Bernie would also get along with Flayn (re: weird found family dynamics), Cyril in a weird way (partly bc of your fic, but you're right they would get along in a weird way), and Rhea as well (again, bc of your fic).

Bernadetta deserves All The Friends honestly.

My unpopular opinion about this character Uh, well my general interpretation of and feelings towards 3H (both Houses and Hopes) are a bit contrary to a lot of popular fanon, but I feel like Bernie gets reduced down to her "uwu, girl with anxiety" traits more by fandom than in canon, whether that be fans doubling down on the trait as a joke (which is, I will note, rare), or more commonly fans criticizing her writing bc of her anxiety getting treated like a joke (valid, but also there is SO much more to her character than that, like? did we play the same game? why are critiques of her writing or arguments about whether her anxiety was or wasn't well-written the ONLY discussion points I see get brought up frequently? this girl has an entire range of skills and other character traits to discuss?).

Also I do get the jokes of "Bernie writes smutty romance fic" which is a very popular fanon HC for the types of stories she writes, but it just doesn't jive for me, both bc there's no canon text to really back that irrefutably, and also bc it just doesn't feel like it fits her characterization. I think she probably writes adventure stories, ironically, as a way to travel the world without having to leave her safe spaces (Bernadetta IS very excited to see Brigid's plants and scenery in her shared paralogue with Petra, and Petra even states that she brought Bernie along to see the plants, so I think Bernie would love traveling and seeing new plants and scenery if it weren't for her anxiety).

One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon. I don't actually have too many complaints about Bernadetta's writing in Houses, aside from maybe toning down how her anxiety gets treated as a joke on occasion, but she really is one of the most consistently written characters in Houses, and given how inconsistent some of the writing is, I always take that as a win.

Hopes on the other hand...could have used some polish for her writing. Specifically, it's possible for her to fight and even kill her father in the final battle of the AG route, but their in-battle conversation is...lacking? for want of a better word? Like, I'm fine with Bernadetta not necessarily wanting to kill him so much as she doesn't want him in her life at all, but I think there should have been more emotion of some sort in their exchange of words. Gregoire's characterization in Hopes wasn't that interesting in my opinion though, I felt like the writers should have done something different to really show a character who would treat their Crested child as a political tool to vie for more power, rather than making him a copy of Bernadetta. I suppose if I were to ever do anything with my "merge Houses and Hopes, make it into the forbidden golden route AU" idea, I'd just entirely rewrite his character and actually explore Bernadetta's family dynamics in general a bit more, but that's just me.

Also, and this is more of a nitpick with the general writing (both games), but Bernie's family is in charge of "religious affairs" in the Empire, and I feel like this should have been explored more? Like what ARE Bernadetta's thoughts on the Seiros religion? This would of course require the CoS to not be one of the weakest parts of all the games' writing, and have some actual worldbuilding, which is definitely asking too much of IntSys. But that's a me problem with the general writing rather than a problem with Bernie's writing.

#I actually have So Many Thoughts about 3H and 3H characters #I just never talk about them bc a fair portion of the 3H fandom is *vaguely gestures* Like That #and I don't need stupid online arguments about fiction media in my life #but anyhow. Bernadetta. Bernie. Girl of All Time. love her #unsuspecting-person #ask game #I still don't have an ask tag

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less-than-three-3 · 2 years ago

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Cereza and the Lost Demon is so beautiful

I’m going to be totally honest, I partially bought this game out of spite because people were being really annoying about how “it didn’t look worth the price” and “it isn’t bayonetta so it’s bad :/” (I was interested in it too but that definitely catalyzed it lol)

Were they right? Ok, I think it’s kind of a cop out answer, but I think “if this type of game looks up your alley” then it totally is worth it, and it really carves its niche out fairly well. No it’s not bayonetta but like.... obviously not lmao? Funnily enough, actually, amidst the revival of the dumb “give me back old zelda” with totk on the horizon, I think this game hits a lot of the notes of the more linear temple-centric zeldas...

It’s also a very pretty game in many ways, honestly possibly one of the most aesthetically appealing games on the switch overall, though I do have my gripes with gameplay. Full thoughts below, with minor spoilers so be warned.

I’m just going to start with what I loved about it, because if I dig into the gameplay first it’ll come off worse than it is, because my only real complaints were gameplay-related. The music was absolutely gorgeous and always so fitting, and the adaptations of music from the mainline games to this new aesthetic were done excellently. It might honestly be my favorite bayonetta soundtrack, and I really like those soundtracks. From fully orchestrated, lush environments, to more jovial lighthearted moments, to serious heartwrenching developments, the soundtrack covers everything so well.

The art, too, was great. In addition to the painted artstyle, they do the thing that I fucking love in animation where there’s like a still textured background, and as the characters move, they like, move past the background? I don’t know what to call it, and the internet doesn’t know what to call it, but if you’ve seen Chowder or Gankutskuou you know exactly what I’m talking about lol. The painted aesthetic also lends itself to like actually creative uses more than just looking pretty too, most notably a part at the very end that was so touching, when you play it you’ll know what I mean. If there’s any small nitpick it’s just that the storybook format of cutscenes leads to just a few “stiff” moments? But it’s like totally understandable.

That said, I loved the cozy storybook narration and framing, and I honestly don’t really get when people say it’s tonally inconsistent with bayonetta (I’m going to avoid the worst case explanation of this). The mythological vibes, for lack of a better word, are still extremely present, so people must just dislike that it’s a story about Cereza as a young girl? Because like obviously she isn’t going to be a badass, sexy witch as like, a 12 year old, but it’s not like the game moves the needle in the complete opposite direction and becomes a super cutesy wholesome 100 vibe. The vibe is, like I said, cozy, mythical, maybe whimsical, and yeah it’s at a slightly slower pace than the mainline games, but it’s not so out of the question, especially for a game exploring the journey of a young Cereza.

Her journey is not the deepest thing in the world, really, and it is kind of in part due to the set up of the game, where you have to collect these four elemental cores to unlock powers and get to the heart of the forest. Kind of like zelda, in a way. There are a couple twists and turns, but I think the main element is the growth of Cereza and Cheshire, independently and together. There are some tropey elements for sure, but I’ll be damned if I didn’t still tear up after certain events occur.

And speaking of zelda, I really felt like the overall gameplay loop was very reminiscent of that kind of style, but with a twist. As you traverse through each region, there are obstacles that serve as “puzzles” to solve to continue your path forward, sometimes using some mechanic that you may get in the future (there are literally bomb flowers lol), and then you get the upgrade, and solve more puzzles or traverse new types of land with the powers you unlocked. And of course, there are Tir na nOgs which, like literally everyone says, are pretty much semi-required shrines from BotW. Many of them presented interesting puzzles, some of them were just like tests of strength?? (like botw!) And of course this is all on top of the unique control scheme of controlling both Cereza and Cheshire with each side of the controller which certainly takes a good bit to get used to. The parts where you have both characters separately doing different tasks were really fun.

But, honestly, I felt like there wasn’t enough of that. Like I said there was a lot of combat trials, and honestly, even though I really did enjoy the combat, I almost wished there was less of it? There is a lot of fluidity possible between the 5 different stances Cheshire can get, and light and heavy combos, as well as bind combos, but besides that the enemies were hardly really that threatening (outside the bosses, which were certainly very cool fights) so it just felt more like an annoyance beyond the honeymoon period after I unlock a new skill. And it felt like it took away time from doing puzzles, which I wouldn’t call sparse but I would call just a little deficient. Maybe it’s because it’s relatively short, or the difficulty was designed to a younger audience? And as a result, I really didn’t feel like I wanted to go back to find the other Tir na nOgs, because their main reward was getting spirit orbs fragments of health, which I didn’t really feel was super necessary. And that’s a shame, because maybe I did miss out on some really cool puzzles. There are also upgrade materials for special skills Cereza and Cheshire can get, but I felt like I more or less got the ones I got from the materials I could get more conveniently. Overall it just kind of felt, both from a combat and puzzle standpoint, that they could have and maybe should have really fleshed it out more and get those gears turning.

I also just would like to mention that the opening of the game felt glacially slow. Not just like introductory stuff, but pretty much everything until your skill tree gets unlocked (and you get your first elemental core relatively soon thereafter). I think I get why, because they not only want to actually set the exposition and I felt that was paced fine, but also let people get used to the dual stick movement once you get to control Cheshire. But man the base combat without any additional upgrades is not that interesting, and the very early puzzles were, obviously, pretty simple to ease you into it. I absolutely think after that part, things start to really open up and feel much much better, but that opening segment has gotta be like, a couple hours or so.

Besides those gripes, though, I do think it’s at least a very visually pretty game with great music and a cozy story and setting, and the gameplay, if you’re vaguely interested in a game like this, definitely works well. While the extra chapter of this game does tie into Bayonetta 3, a game that I actually still haven’t played and am not planning to play soon, oops, the actual main story is fully independent. So regardless of if you’ve played a bayo game or not, if you think you’d like it, or if you’re one of those people who just really really wants old dungeons back in zelda, then I’d recommend it. Not my favorite, but a solid spinoff that I think they could really expand upon.

#bayonetta origins #cereza and the lost demon

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andiwriteordie · 2 years ago

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Okay which stranger things ship do you see as “champagne problems”?

Bc i can’t stop applying it to the ships.

Lumax, from max’s pov, but they work their shit out later. Stancy, from nancy’s pov, but there were never SUPPOSED to be. Joyce/Bob, from Joyce’s pov, except she almost felt ready to take that extended hand… and then he was taken from her. Jopper, from both their povs depending on the time, because i feel like season 3 joyce is in a better place with HERSELF but grieving, and hopper views himself as a curse but he isn’t the one doing the rejecting. Chrissy/Jason, if Chrissy’d gotten to live, except we’re all cheering for her inwardly even tho she’s sad ab it at first.

& “right where you left me”???? Idkidkidk my brain just keeps saying look look look—first it goes lumax from lucas’ pov, then it goes nancy & barb (espec. season2 nance) & obvi byler i could see interpretations for either pov but mike jsut—works so much better for him post season 3 idk. El & her dad… el & henry.

Basically—talk to me ab tswift song associations w/ stranger things bc i can’t get them out of my head 😓

OOH A TAYLOR SWIFT X STRANGER THINGS ASK MY FAVORITE.

every single one of those couples absolutely fits champagne problems, for all the reasons you just listed! i don't think there's necessarily one couple who fits this story the best, since the song does ends with the couple being broken up and the narrator experiencing at least a little bit of regret (as shown in her self-deprecation through the song).

i think of every couple, lumax probably fits this the best? especially with s4 max's mental health struggles being such a large part of why they broke up. it doesn't seem like a far reach for me to imagine those two in a future where max is still struggling with her mental health and does choose to break things off with lucas again, simply because of what happened with the upside down and also honestly max doesn't have the best home life and has grown up learning defense mechanisms that make her more prone to try and run away (see her dumping lucas a lot in the in between of s2-s3 and ofc the pre s4 break up) rather than deal with those problems head on. not trying to drag max because she is my girl and i love her with everything i am, but i think that's just part of how she's grown up and how she tries to protect herself.

that said, i don't think lucas would ever give up on her. s4 shows us that and shows us how he is trying to reach out to her and believes he should've done more. so, i think where they diverge from champagne problems' narrative is that the narrator's love interest isn't going to find someone new. instead, that love interest is going to keep working and keep holding on, because the love is real between them, even in spite of the mental health issues and such!

also again, agree with your rwylm analyses! but my first gut instinct though with this song is to think about will, actually! rwylm tells us a story about a narrator who was blind-sided by the loss of this relationship and then ends up staying "frozen" and stuck in that past, unable to move on from it. obviously, like i just said the song is in the context of a relationship, but pulling back a little bit more, i think the theme of it can fit will in general. will's trauma has left him frozen and stuck in a sense. everybody moves on, but will... will stays there. his childhood was robbed from him first with the kidnapping then with the possession, and we see how in s3 he is so desperately trying to hold onto that childhood while everyone else moves on without him.

digging deeper into the byler implications here, obviously this happens in tandem with the break in will and mike's friendship, where will again feels stuck because of his ud related experiences but also because of his sexuality, but mike? mike's moving on. he's found a beautiful girl who is a superhero, and he obviously loves her and cares about her. i mean come on. "if our love died young, i can't bear witness" screams the rain fight to me, and that image just hurt me very deeply ok.

"you left me no choice but to stay here forever" has a twofold meaning then. it's directed at both henry (the abuser who robbed will of his childhood) but also then at mike (the boy who will loves who has seemingly moved on past the need for will).

and uh... yep. i could go into more detail probably, but that's a little summary of my thoughts!

#andi's asks #st x ts #lyrical analysis #thank you so so much for this #i love getting to do this #please always feel free to send me more because god knows my brain thinks of st when i listen to ts now

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vixonimus · 2 years ago

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I HAVE SO MANY THOUGHTS FOR EACH OF THESE EXCEPT FOR ST PETERSBURG AS I HAVE YET TO SEE IT.

Ian Gillan and Murray Head

okay this is a weird one. there is not much of them here as there is nothing physical to analyze and that is where most subtle adoration is shown, but what is evident is some bitter care towards jesus on judas' end.

in the realm of jesus reciprocating these thoughts, it feels like they are in the early stages of a relationship -- not quite "crushing," per se, but still navigating those bumps and hiccups. that is most evident in everything's alright to me. from there, judas' emotions are what become most clear since JCS 1970 is very judas-centric. final point here is that there is so much yearning in this version of judas' death

Ted Neely and Carl Anderson

i have a couple of thoughts here, actually. it is actually a little difficult to infer much of their relationship here due to the pretense of a meta-musical (overture + john 19:41) but i honestly did not see much romance/pining here. this is mostly because there was no clean bridge between IDKHTLH and damned for all time -- often the highest moment with jesus/judas tension -- and judas is just... surprised by some tanks and goes "oh hi pharisees <333."

judas' death does offer a lot of things alongside strange thing mystifying and what's the buzz! there is obviously a lot of fondness between jesus and judas, especially on jesus' behalf -- only to me, this feels like a platonic type of fondness, albeit that of very closely intimate friends. maybe the canon actors (again because of overture and 19:41) friendzoned each other or something?

Glenn Carter and Jerome Pradon

THIS ONE. THIS ONE. i did not vote for it because they do not feel like current lovers. i am a firm believer in "divorcees where judas is still so salty about the divorce" here because this judas is just so spiteful. once again i am bringing up the post-IDKHTLH scene as this is where it becomes most important; mary is about to kiss jesus when uh oh! judas jumpscare!

the performative heterosexuality of the scene (as someone put it) hammers in the spite and rage of judas here. he gets close to mary and never once breaks eye contact with a very uncomfortable jesus -- he wants him to be uncomfortable because, in judas' eyes, there is a sort of betrayal there where those soft moments were exclusive to what they shared, and suddenly there is this new person whom jesus likes more than judas in the ways judas yearns for and he just does not like it WHATSOEVER.

tl;dr divorcees also i am a firm believer in 2000s jesus and mary <33

Ben Forster and Tim Minchin

i have an unending rage for 2012 JCS and so this will be a little bit biased just as a forewarning.

there is not much i can say here in favor of them being romantic. during pivotal moments of their shown relationship -- heaven on their minds, what's the buzz, and post-IDKHTLH -- judas treats jesus more like a friend whose ideas have gotten out of hand. their somewhat-banter has no proper love to it and it all feels a little bit factual more than anything. honestly that is all i feel like saying about 2012 i would like to Not think about it forever

Ola Salo and Peter Johansson

OH. MY. GOD. ALL THE WAY ALL THE WAY. i voted for them not because SJCS is my favorite but because this is legitimately the strongest jesus/judas relationship i have seen in any production. johansson's portrayal of judas as an upset but still deeply caring and fond lover is ultimately the core of this production and it ties in very well with salo's performance as jesus and the resolved emptiness of him -- he is aware of his fate, judging by the cross necklace he wears, and while crowdwork once brought him joy, something you can still see bits of, the fame and sensation he has become is ultimately besting him.

judas -- and mary, by the time the musical begins -- was a gentle and stubborn yet important force to his life. judas has this care in the realm of his words, particularly in HOTM where he is focused on the effect of jesus' fame and how it might affect jesus. during the post-IDKHTLH scene, it is judas' irrationality (which has been established already in moments like HOTM's instrumental break) that stops the peace. this is when their relationship goes sour -- judas even tries to kiss jesus after he topples the chair-swing over because his jealousy is growing out of control.

the reason he ultimately betrays jesus is because he feels abandoned by the man he loves after everything, and even once he tells the pharisees about gethsemane you can just see how broken up he is about it. not even mentioning the kiss here because wow these bitches gay good for them

so those are my thoughts <3

(decided to officially nominate myself JCS Polls Maker)

#oh wow okay lots of writing there! oops!

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c-is-for-circinate · 4 years ago

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As promised: let's talk Hades, and how acts of abuse can create toxic environments for everyone around them, and also how people react to those environments--and to them being disrupted.

(For reference, I have just kicked Theseus's ass for the first time, it was exactly as satisfying as it was intended to be, and then I got predictably slaughtered a couple of chambers into Styx. Spoilers for everything through that point, but please no spoilers in reblogs/comments for anything after that!) Also, TW for a whole lot of discussion of abuse, particularly verbal and emotional abuse, and abusive familyworkplace dynamics.

Okay, so. To start out with, Hades is an abusive parent. He engages in innumerable acts of verbal and emotional abuse towards his son, because yep, that's what you call it when a parent constantly berates and belittles their kid for every perceived failure, including the ones the parent themselves could have prevented. Sometimes especially the ones the parent could have prevented. Zagreus failed at his office clerk job because Hades refused to teach him how to do it and then blamed him for not already knowing how. Cerberus tore up the lounge because Hades, who was actually there, chose not to stop him. Hades created, possibly deliberately, and then took full advantage of every opportunity he saw to insult and demean his kid, and the clerk job flashback shows us that he was doing so even before the escape attempts started. I'm pretty sure we're all on the same page here, but: yep, that all constitutes abuse, even if they're gods. Even if Hades has reasons for Being Like That. Even if you think Zagreus seems okay and unharmed by it (which: repeatedly throwing yourself into a gauntlet of violence that inevitably ends in your own pain and death because you're so desperate to escape home, not actually an indicator of someone who's okay). We all good on that?

Cool. Because I'm not really here to talk about how Hades' abuse directly impacts Zagreus right now (although there's for sure an essay in that too). I'm thinking about how it impacts everybody else.

Hades isn't as obviously unreasonable with anybody else in his kingdom the way he is with his kid. When we see him lecture somebody else, it's usually for an actual failure to do their job: Hypnos for literally falling asleep on the job and not doing anything that was assigned to him, Megaera for letting us past her so many time, Orpheus for being a court bard who refuses to sing. His attitude is super confrontational and unpleasant, but on the surface it doesn't necessarily look as fucked-up. Thing is, though, whether any individual act of aggression towards an employee/family member is justified or not (I would generally argue 'not', because aggression towards employees/family members is, y'know, not justifiable)--it's not about the individual acts. It's about the entire cultivated atmosphere of toxicity and abuse.

One of the very first things Meg ever says to us is, "I'd rather be on your bad side than his." Up until that point, we've got no reason to believe Meg has any history whatsoever of fucking up at her job. In fact, we've got plenty of reason to believe she's good at it. She's fiercely proud of it, she's frequently Employee Of The [Time Period], and we've apparently never even met her sisters because she handles her shit herself. But she's still scared of Hades. Dusa, who is an anxious wreck at all times because oh god what if she gets fired what if she gets fired what if she gets fired, in spite of apparently being absolutely exemplary at her job, is scared of Hades. Every single shade in the Hall is clearly terrified of Hades, and it's not because of what he's done to each of them. It's what they've seen him do to other people.

Which is how toxic environments work, whether they're work environments or families. The Court of Hades is of course both, always, with the bonus hell layer of you can't quit even if you DIE. An abuser in authority doesn't have to target you in order to make you feel scared, cowed, and desperate to please them. Humans (and gods who are basically extra-powerful humans) are good at learning by example. The residents of the Court get the picture.

So this Court is a minefield--and everyone except Zagreus is very good at tiptoeing around mines. We see it in Meg, so desperate to do her job well. We see that Hypnos very clearly does not give a shit about anything, but he still makes sure to have a list of excuses ready if/when Hades ever confronts him about failure to do his job, just in case. We see it when Achilles tells us that my ability to help you is constrained by the authority your father gives me, or whatever the line was sixty runs ago when he couldn't let me into locked chambers. The system, such as it is, works, and if Nyx talks to Hades as little as possible, if Thanatos avoids the Court entirely, if Achilles treads very carefully and knows how to keep his head down--well that's just the system, right? That's just how things are.

Even Zagreus seems to have had a role in that system as the court fuckup. He's the kid who didn't have a real job or purpose. He could take the focus of Hades' generalized, day-to-day ire off of everyone else, without triggering some of the more direct and violent ire because the work he was doing didn't really matter (a LOT of Hades' rage-triggers seem to be related to job performance, which means that the people with real jobs are of course the most at risk). And he could do so "safely" (big emphasis on the quotation marks there) because he alone of the court is Hades' actual kid, who's Prince of the Underworld no matter how much he fucks up. If one of Nyx's other kids gets something really really wrong, she might be able to protect them from some consequences, but Hades doesn't have any layer of supposed parental affection holding him back from getting violently furious about it. Zagreus gets a nice bedroom and the abuse is limited to words rather than divine power, and Hades is a dick to everyone but he only occasionally condemns people to eternities of torture, and only for good reasons like refusing to sing when your job is to be court bard, so it's fine, everybody's fine, everything's totally fine, right?

Except it's not fine when everybody is so clearly worried about anything going wrong. And it's especially not fine for Zagreus, who's the person to finally say no. He's leaving, for his own sake, because he deserves better and he's finally convinced he can have it. And that turns the whole system into disarray.

I am endlessly fascinated by the ways this game portrays different characters reacting to this upheaval in their carefully-mapped minefield. It's different for authority figures and peers and servants, different based on how people are positioned in the house under Hades' rule, and it's so spot-on and I love it.

Nyx, for instance, is absolutely calm about the whole thing, because Nyx has power. Hades can't hurt her. Hades can't even really do much against her children, not when Hypnos and Thanatos are gods in their own right. Yes, Hades rules the kingdom, but Nyx owns the land, and she gives no shits about his rages. And it's interesting, too, to see the lines she doesn't draw. The deal seems to be that Hades doesn't fuck with her, and doesn't outright threaten her kids (because Hypnos is bad at his job, demonstrably so, and Hades hasn't ruined him yet), and she doesn't interfere with the way he treats the people around him. She gives Zagreus advice and support and the mirror, but she also doesn't take a direct stand against Hades. He can't hurt her, but he could make life...difficult. She's protected, her position in the minefield is more of a safe viewing platform than slogging through the middle of it, but the mines are still there.

And then we have Achilles, who is one of my favorite characters in the whole game because of how he reacts to this whole situation. Achilles, like Nyx, is so supportive. Every single time you see him he has something encouraging to say. He gives us his Codex, secretly finds us weapons, trained us for years, clearly wants us to succeed. And still he's limited, not necessarily out of fear for himself (though he has to be scared for himself, he knows what Hades does to people who anger him), but out of concern that if he gives Zagreus too much help in one way, he won't be able to provide help at all later. He's still so careful.

Achilles and Nyx are so fucking important to this story because they're the only authority figures Zagreus really has in his life except for his father, and they are so supportive. They're what keep this story from being a nightmare of psychological horror and depression. They can't stop the pressure from Hades and this life in his house being miserable for Zag, but they can give us hope, remind us that Zagreus is still loved. And they have such an incredibly important role when it comes to guilt, which is one of the biggest ways toxic systems maintain themselves.

If Zagreus leaves, what happens to everybody else? Who takes Hades' wrath then? Who becomes court scapegoat if he's not there, and also, who gets punished for his escape? These questions matter, and we see him worry about it! He asks Nyx and Achilles both, is it going to be okay that you're helping me, are you going to be alright, will my father hurt you for this? And they are both so firm about telling him no. No, I will be fine. See, here's the list of reasons about why I'm going to be fine, why my position in this minefield is secure. They make a point of telling us that it's fine, that we do not need to hold ourself back from getting out of this abusive situation for their sake. That is instrumental in Zagreus's ability to keep making these escape attempts without feeling too guilty and worried and selfish to go on. (Another thing that's actually really important in setting up that dynamic--we see that Hades cares about Cerberus, even if he's using him as a pawn against us, and Cerberus seems to be the one figure in court who Hades doesn't get mad at. The dog isn't at risk, and that is really essential in keeping the story from getting too grim.) These people who we care about refuse to let themselves be held hostage to secure our good behavior.

It's also really useful for raising the stakes later in the story--we see Hades arguing with Nyx once or twice, and we see Zagreus feeling guilty about it, but it's also a sign that we're making enough progress to piss him off. After I finally made it out of Elysium on my last run, I came home to find him furious with Achilles in a way that actually makes me nervous, because Achilles does not have nearly as much security in his position as he says he does. (Achilles is such a good teacher/authority figure, because he knows goddamn well what Hades could do to him, and still refuses to let fear for his own situation stop him from helping the abused kid under his care escape his. And no, not everybody has the capacity to do that, but it matters so much coming from the guy who helped raise us. It matters so much. I do not even have the words for how much.)

It's also no mistake that many of the people we find supporting us along our journey are either the people with the most power in their immediate environment, or the least. Sisyphus helps us because what more could they do to me than this? Orpheus is a little wild around the eyes and somewhat disconnected from reality, and he wishes us the best because someone should get what they want and also he no longer gives a single fuck what happens to him. Eurydice has her own cozy little corner of Asphodel, as safe from Hades' rage as anybody anywhere in his realm because she's tucked in such an out-of-the-way middle place she's outside his notice. Dusa is so scared of everything anyway that, crush aside, she isn't any more threatened by us escaping than she is just by her everyday life here. Charon is unfathomable and unstoppable; Skelly literally exists to be a punching bag, and yet he also seems basically immune to pain, no matter what we do to him. There's no threat from Hades there.

So the people most at risk when I flip the world on its ear are the ones who have so much standing that they have something to lose, but not enough to protect them from losing it. Which of course brings us to Than and Meg--who are, of course, the two people who also seem by far the most upset by my attempts to leave.

As authority figures, Nyx and Achilles are constantly reinforcing the message that it's Hades' fault, not ours, if they or anybody else get caught in the crossfire of his wrath. I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing, and it's not my guilt to bear. From Megaera and Thanatos, we get the opposite message--I am fucking with things, I am hurting people, and I need to stop. Zagreus isn't just abandoning them, as a friend or brother or lover or all of the above they're Greek gods who even knows. He's betraying them. They were in this together, as friends or lovers or whatever, but now Zagreus is sending earthquakes through the minefield they both still have to stand in. He is about to capsize this boat in the middle of a thunderstorm, he is fucking with the system, and they're the ones who are going to get most hurt.

I'm so curious how this is going to work for Than, who out of everyone we meet holds the closest role to Nyx's in terms of being sheltered from Hades' wrath. He's the guy who gets to leave, after all, even though he always has to come back. I've seen the least of him out of anybody so far because it took forever for me to get to Elysium, but two things really stand out and I'm so interested to see where they go. One, he really genuinely does care about Zagreus. He wants us safe, he wants us unhurt, the accessory he gives us only grants its bonus if we clear a room without taking injury, he keeps showing up to help. And two, he wants us to give up and go back and recognize how good we had it. Which is SO fucking interesting, considering how miserable Zagreus so clearly was, and how legitimate his reasons for being miserable were.

It makes me wonder so much about Than's standards for comparison. Does he know something we don't about what's waiting for us on the surface, something that might theoretically hurt Zagreus even more than staying down below? Has his life, which apparently allows him more freedom than anybody else in the Court, sucked horribly in ways we haven't seen, and that's why he spends so little time there in the first place? Either of those things is plausible, both of those things are plausible, and yet either one leads to this sense of patronizing, because he refuses to simply tell us. If something terrible is awaiting us, don't give us vague warnings, tell us what it is and let us decide for ourself! If you're fucking jealous because we might get out entirely and you're still stuck coming back here, say so. If you're worried about your mom--and he does bring her up, how could Zagreus turn his back on her like that, does seem to worry for her--then let's have an actual conversation about how many times she has insisted I do this and also how much I love her.

And, right, it's clear that a lot of Thanatos being upset is simply, you were going to leave me without even saying goodbye, you want to leave ME, which is understandable! But, like, he is demonstrably the one god who gets to visit the surface. He's the one person we actually COULD expect to see again. And he is absolutely also upset because there's an Order To Things, and we're fucking it up. We used to be his careless callow reckless friend who could talk back to Hades and get away with it, and now we're not, and everything is changing and we might leave him altogether, and we might leave him alone in that court without us, and he hates it.

Is it a short-sighted, selfish fear on his part? Yes, absolutely. Even if he's not scared of Hades on his own behalf, he is still frightened by what happens if we upset this system--and maybe it's the sanctity of a much bigger system than the Underworld that he's worried about! Maybe it's the whole divine and cosmic order. Whatever system he wants so badly to protect is enabling the abuse Zagreus has been dealing with for however-long he's been alive. Whatever system he wants so badly to protect OUGHT to be overturned, or at least shaken up. But this is what toxic systems DO. They convince the people within them that they have to be maintained, that a broken system that hurts the people within it is far better than no system at all, that changing the world is too scary and too dangerous. And Thanatos wants his whatever-Zagreus-is-to-him to be there, because he loves him and also because that's how the world works, and those things are all tangled up in one another, and that is how relationships are in a messed-up family like this so therefore I love it.

And Meg. Meg, the best for last, my dear, beautiful, furious, bitter, scared angry tired girl. I adore her. I am absolutely never going to date her, because the thing Zagreus needs most in his life hurts her, more directly than anybody else in the story, and that sucks, and it's not Zag's fault but they still shouldn't be together. Meg has taken more injury from this situation than anyone, quite literally as well as metaphorically, and it's not her fault any more than it's ours, but oh boy it has made her lash out and it's awful and it's perfect.

Meg's place in the Court of Hades is unique because she's not dead, not a mortal, not anything other than a god--but she's also not family. Nyx is not her mother. She's very much part of this system, she and her two sisters belong to Hades-the-realm and therefore also Hades-the-king, she can't leave, but she also doesn't have that protection of Nyx watching out for her in the same way. She's not royalty. She and her sisters (if you ask Hesiod instead of Virgil, which seems to be the interpretation the game's going with here) sprang from the blood of maimed Uranus at the same time as Aphrodite, but fuck knows Aphrodite isn't claiming them as siblings. And she can't be fired, exactly, but she sure can be demoted, and she sure can be made miserable in her job. Meg is vulnerable in a way very few people in Hades' employ are. She's a lot harder to do away with than any one random shade, but she's also a lot harder to miss blending in with a crowd.

What's more, she's the one person in this whole mess who is specifically tasked with stopping us from leaving. Hypnos isn't ordered to put us to sleep and keep us in our room. Thanatos can't be compelled or punished if he doesn't hunt us down. Achilles isn't told to lock us up and keep the keys. Meg is the one stationed at the doorway to Tartarus to keep us in. Meg is the one who gets in trouble when we leave. Meg (who Hades knows goddamn well Zagreus cares for, or cared for, who he absolutely knows we used to date) is the one who has to fight us again and again and again. And she's the one who keeps dying.

Again, it's this incredibly fucked-up guilt/hostage situation deliberately designed to keep people from fleeing abusive situations. Meg's insistence on fighting us now puts Zagreus in the position of having to hurt her himself again and again. Now suddenly we're the ones sticking a sword in our ex-girlfriend. Now suddenly someone can point to our desire to leave, to flee, to escape, and say, how selfish. How cruel. How terrible of us to want to go, when we're even willing to hurt the people we love to do it.

Except, right: Hades is the one who demands Meg stand there and stop us. Hades is the one who puts both of us in that position. Meg is also in an abusive situation, and she's willing to hurt us to protect herself. "I'd rather be on your bad side than your father's." It's easy to blame her at the start for being complicit, for being a tool of our father's abuse, for being on his side. It gets harder as the game goes on. I've killed her so many times. There's no way for her to beat me. She knows at this point that she can't beat me. She still fights, every single time, still throws herself upon that spike, not because she thinks she has any chance of stopping me but because she is so damn scared of what will happen if she doesn't try.

In fact, Meg's the one person we have actually seen face consequences for our actions so far, instead of just facing the threat of them. Her sisters are here. Her sisters, who she clearly does not want here, who are wild and violent and who she does not want in her life or anywhere near her, let alone near the job she takes so much pride in. She gets to deal with them now. (Hades doesn't have to deal with them. They're still not allowed in his court. But Meg does.) She gets stabbed, and bludgeoned, and shot, and lightning-struck, and poisoned, and every other thing we do to her. Thanatos doesn't. Nyx and Achilles and Hypnos don't. Bug Meg? Oh yes. Meg pays.

And yes, ok, she is complicit in this system. Everybody is complicit in this system. Zagreus who's trying to escape on his own behalf instead of overthrowing his father for the sake of everyone he'd otherwise be leaving behind is complicit in this system. Pointing fingers and pulling strings of who's more at fault? and who do we blame for this? is exactly how this sort of system perpetuates itself. Your sister always talked back at the dinner table and put everyone in an even worse and more violent mood. Your coworker refuses to work more than forty hours a week so now you have to take overtime to pick up their slack. You're enabling your dad by asking your sister to shut up, you're enabling your employer by working as hard as you do so you don't get fired, everyone's at fault, everyone's to blame, everyone is--

It's not everyone. It's Hades. It's Hades at the root of everything, and probably something big and institutional and fucked-up even beyond him. But even if everyone down in this Underworld does have to be trapped here forever, even if he's trapped here forever, Hades is neither challenging the system that put them here nor trying to make that fate better for anyone else stuck with him. He's just created an entire kingdom of backbiting and misery and people who can either go along with his whims or suffer the consequences.

At this point in the game, Meg is so fucking tired. Every time we run into her in the lounge, hunched over a table, the venom in her voice when she tells us "Do I look like I have anything to say to you?" is so bitter and so exhausted. There was a system, and she knew her place in the system, and it was a system divinely ordered by the gods themselves, and sure it was cruel but that's the literal will of the universe as far as she knows it. She had a role, and her role was vengeance and punishment and violence against those who'd committed the most egregious of sins in life, and there was a point to it, she was the divine deterrent to convince people not to do those things, and that was just, and that was right. The GODS THEMSELVES said so. How do you argue with that? You can't possibly argue with that!

And Zagreus is arguing with that. In trying to leave, he's questioning the unbreakable rule that nothing in the Underworld ever gets to leave it. In disobeying his father to do so, he's questioning the unbreakable rule that what the gods say is LAW. He's breaking everything.

And of course he's not trying to do any of that. He's not trying to destabilize the system at all. He's just trying to get himself out of it, to a place where he feels like he belongs and maybe a parent who's slightly nicer to him than this one. But toxic systems like this one break when the people within them have access to another option. When the kids find a way to actually leave, and not answer the phone, and not come home for holidays, and not deal with it any more. When the employees have the economic freedom to quit. When opportunities granted by education, money, social support, etc etc etc, show up and give people a choice. Even if the option is only ever for Zagreus--he's demonstrating that an option exists. Which is, of course, the one thing the system cannot ever allow.

I really like this game.

#hades game #hades spoilers #C plays stuff #driveby meta attack

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makeste · 4 years ago

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some follow-up thoughts on BnHA 306

mostly Deku angst, but also a little Baku angst (and some TodoBaku angst) mixed in for good measure. because there’s plenty of angst to go around.

1. “if I’d only been stronger...”

I’ll talk more about Deku later in this post as well, because there’s definitely plenty to talk about; this is the most character development he’s gotten in almost 200 chapters. but for starters, I want to discuss the possible parallels between Deku’s current character arc, and what is arguably the most iconic moment of angst/character development in the series.

remember how this kid, who up until this point had rarely seemed to give two fucks about the world around him, suddenly revealed that he blamed himself for being the downfall of All Might? remember how it came almost out of nowhere? how he’d been hiding it, and trying to suppress it? “but even if I try to forget... sometimes it all just comes rushing back.”

yeah. so anyway, I got to thinking -- if being the cause of one hero’s downfall could affect someone this badly, what about being responsible for the downfall of all heroes?

what if a boy who wanted nothing more than to keep people safe suddenly found himself at the epicenter of a disaster that killed hundreds, possibly even thousands of people?

now obviously, this is not the sole thing that’s troubling Deku right now; this kid has a whole array of traumas as of the War arc. like, you know it’s bad when Society As We Know It Coming To An End Partially Because Of You is the least of your problems. but still, I think this is worth bringing up, because the hero kids blaming themselves for things that aren’t their fault is hardly anything new. and yet, what with everything else that’s been going on -- all of the Todoroki drama, and Vestige revelations, and hospital antics, and political strife -- I feel like it’s easy to forget or overlook this little detail.

the fact is that AFO put this entire plan into motion solely in the hopes of finally obtaining OFA. every single thing that happened at Jakku -- Tomura powering up; Machia waking up and going on his rampage (after being ordered to do so by Tomura); and even Dabi/Touya choosing this moment to finally strike (because he knew this was when the reveal would do the maximum damage -- when people’s faith in heroes was already wavering) -- every last bit of it can ultimately be traced back to AFO’s desire to steal OFA. which, obviously, makes it AFO’s fault, not Deku’s. but then, Kamino wasn’t actually Katsuki’s fault either. it wasn’t his fault the villains went after him (but he blamed himself anyway), and it wasn’t his fault that people got hurt in the ensuing battle to save him (but he blamed himself anyway).

just. I think we’re underestimating just how strong of an impact all of this likely had on Deku. we haven’t really had the chance to see him process it yet. he’s been too busy, and there have been too many other things going on. but I’m telling you guys, that empty look in his eyes in the final page of the chapter? I can all but guarantee you that at least some of that emotional weight is coming from this.

sure would be nice if he had a friend who knew exactly what that was like, and could help him process the guilt and all of the other associated emotions, just like Deku once helped him. unfortunately I’m not so sure things will be that easy this time around. anyways though let’s move on to a couple of other thoughts and speculations.

2. “...and I bullied him.”

one of my least-favorite BnHA fanfic tropes is the one where the rest of class 1-A somehow finds out about Katsuki and Deku’s history -- i.e. that Katsuki bullied Deku throughout most of their childhood. mind you, it’s not the concept itself that I dislike; it’s mostly how it’s used. a lot of times it’s just an excuse to have all of the other kids turn on Katsuki and ostracize him; either because the author thinks that’s what he deserves, or else so that Deku can eventually come to his rescue and defend him and shame the rest of the class for not seeing how much he’s changed. either way, it’s usually pretty awkward to read, and more often than not the characters are pretty OOC (especially Ochako and Todoroki).

however! there’s a big difference between fanfic and canon, and just because I’m not a fan of this trope in the former doesn’t mean it couldn’t be executed well in the latter. and lately I’ve been thinking about this a lot. mainly for three reasons:

the recent (can we still call it recent?? well whatever) scene where Katsuki confessed to All Might that he used to bully Deku is now one of my favorite scenes in the entire series, and proof that this can be executed well.

both Todoroki and Deku have finally had their respective big secrets revealed to the rest of the class. so like, idk. feels like it just might be secret-revealing season now, you know?

and lastly, as a result of Deku’s secret about OFA finally being revealed, the rest of 1-A now either knows, or can extrapolate, that he used to be quirkless.

and from there, I feel like it’s not all that hard to put two and two together with how terrible Kacchan and Deku’s relationship was when they first started at UA. that’s not a terribly difficult puzzle to solve. so I feel like it might come out anyway, and if so, I’d prefer Bakugou telling them himself, and taking responsibility as part of his atonement process. because we know that he regrets it. we know their relationship has changed. we know that he has changed. and so I think I might like to see this.

alternately, if confessing to the entire class is too much, at the very least I could see him confessing to Shouto, because I’ve always felt like this was one of the big things that made Katsuki so resistant to letting Todoroki call him a friend. because I feel like there’s a part of Katsuki that saw the parallels between Endeavor’s abuse of Shouto and his own bullying of Deku, and thought, he wouldn’t be so quick to call me his friend if he actually knew the truth. and so there’s actually been this roadblock wedged between them this whole time that Shouto doesn’t even know about. because Shouto hates Endeavor. and so it’s not such a leap to assume he’d hate Katsuki too if he knew just how terrible he’d been to Deku when they were younger.

not that I think he actually would! actually I don’t think either of those things is actually true (because Shouto clearly doesn’t hate his father either, in spite of everything that’s happened). but the point isn’t what I think -- the point is what Katsuki thinks. and I really do think there’s a good chance he’s worried about Shouto hating him, and it’s one of the things that’s made him so reluctant to accept his friendship. anyway, so I’m really just rambling now, but you get my point. I don’t know if this is actually going to happen, but it’s a scene I would like to see if Horikoshi decides to indulge me.

3. “...so when you wake up, please give him my best.”

and now, as promised, back to Deku.

ngl guys, when I first saw this image, my immediate thought was that Gran must have died. because I mean, hello, leaving U.A.?? donning himself in his teacher’s old cape?? empty, exhausted look in his eyes?? what else were we supposed to think lol.

but maybe that was an overreaction. because when I think about it more, Gran’s death isn’t strictly necessary in order to push Deku over the edge. first of all, there’s already the whole “hero society is in ruins now because of you” thing I mentioned earlier. but also, there are just so many other things. like, let’s just list them here because omg. what a rough couple of days this kid had.

he was forced to battle TomurAFO and was terribly injured in the process (most of which was his own fault, but he wouldn’t have gone that far with OFA unless he felt like he had no choice)

and it wasn’t just him that was injured, either. in fact, even though he tried to act as bait to keep everyone else safe, he wasn’t able to stop three of the people closest to him from nearly being killed right before his eyes

and of course that last one was especially traumatic, because it was Kacchan, and because he had to watch Kacchan nearly die just to protect him. out of all the things that Deku witnessed in this arc, this might be the one that had the biggest impact on him

he was also basically helpless to do anything to protect Shouto and Endeavor when Dabi showed up. so again, we have this running theme of people he cares about being hurt and him not being able to save them

and he also got sucked into the OFA Interstellar Dream Vortex for a brief spell during the battle, during which he learned that AFO had possessed Tomura. more importantly, he learned that Tomura was Nana’s grandson, a fact which was only briefly touched on during that scene, but which I think wound up being the trigger to the whole avalanche that ended with Deku leaving UA. but more on that in a moment

anyway so just to wrap this all up, the battle eventually ended, Tomura got away despite all of their efforts, and then Deku wound up comatose in the hospital for two days. which brings us to the most recent chapters, during which

Deku learns that he will be the last wielder of OFA, whether he likes or not

Deku learns the identity of the last two mystery OFA users

and then at some point, he wakes up and presumably talks to Gran, and winds up with his cape

something happened during these last two scenes which helped to push Deku over the edge. I won’t delve into the matter of the Second or Third users for now, although most of you already know my suspicions regarding that, and I do think that would fit into the general pattern here (that is, the pattern of Deku feeling more and more strongly that he is putting the people around him in danger, and his fear of losing them becoming so overwhelming that it eventually pushes him to leave).

but that’s not what I want to talk about for now. what I want to talk about is Gran. specifically, what it is that Deku discussed with Gran. and this is where we come back to that reveal I mentioned earlier -- that Tomura is Nana’s grandchild.

basically, what I think happened is that Deku mentioned seeing Nana in the OFA Zany Psychedelic Spirit Void, which led to the topic of Tomura, and the fun fact Deku recently learned about him being related to Nana. this, in turn leads to Gran divulging his various regrets about everything that happened with him and Nana and Kotarou. his intent is to apologize to Deku for placing the burden of their failures on him. unfortunately, the part that Deku actually gets fixated on instead is this:

All for One hunted down and killed Nana’s son (and probably her husband as well), and stole her grandchild and psychologically tortured him into becoming a mass murderer, for no other reason than that Nana had once held OFA

in other words, AFO can and will hurt and kill anyone Deku is close to, anyone who has any kind of connection to him at all, without mercy, and regardless of whether it actually gives him any kind of tactical advantage or not. he’ll do it simply to hurt him. no other reason necessary.

I don’t know about you, but for me that would be a terrifying realization. and for Deku, I think it just might have been the tipping point.

so, let’s recap.

Deku learns that AFO is after him

AFO/Tomura very nearly kills several of Deku’s most important people, including Kacchan

and then he learns that this is just the tip of the iceberg, and realizes that all of their lives are still in danger and will continue to be as long as Deku is AFO’s target

and then add to all of this the misplaced guilt about society already being shambles, and the heroes already having more than enough to worry about. they’re barely holding things together as it is. and we already know how Deku feels about being a burden to them:

and so instead, he leaves. of course he does. in hindsight, I think this was inevitable.

the question is, did anyone else also put the pieces together in time to realize what Deku was planning before he actually left? specifically, did Katsuki, who understands Deku’s self-sacrificial nature better than anyone else, see the signs and put two and two together? like he did back at Jakku?

and if he did, would Deku have been willing to accept his help again?

somehow, I can’t help but think it might not be that easy this time.

anyway, so that was a lot of rambling, lol. sorry about that. I JUST HAVE A LOT OF FEELINGS about all of this angsty shit. tired nomad Deku needs hugs and comfort and someone to reassure him that he doesn’t have to face this alone, and that everything is going to be all right. HE IS JUST A LITTLE BOY. this is too much, and I cannot handle any of these feels, and oh my god, somebody please help him.

#bnha 306 #midoriya izuku #bakugou katsuki #todoroki shouto #gran torino #bnha meta #deku meta #bakugou meta #bnha #boku no hero academia #bnha spoilers #mha spoilers #bnha manga spoilers #makeste reads bnha #long post #bakudeku #todobaku

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pale-silver-comb · 5 years ago

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So I know absolutely nothing about Leverage except what I've been seeing you post lately and I have to admit you're making it look tempting to watch! Can I ask what are some of your favorite things about the show/reasons you would suggest people watch it? And is there really a poly relationship that is canon?

Okay. Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay. I am going to do my best not to just “asdfghkjl” at you and answer coherently.

In a nutshell, Leverage is about 5 people. 4 are criminals (Parker, Hardison, Eliot and Sophie) with different and unique skill-sets and 1 is an ex-insurance investigator (Nate) who, at one point or another in his career, has tracked down (or at least attempted to) the other 4. The whole show is essentially: man reluctantly reforms 4 criminals to use their criminal powers for good and 4 criminals move into man’s life and stubbornly refuse to leave because, goddammit, now they have morals.

I’ve got a lot of favourite things about the show but the main ones are as follows:

1. Found family. And I’m not talking about loners who come together to fight crime and happen to co-exist to the point where they realise they happen to have found themselves a family. I mean, Nate and Sophie are the Drunk Uncle and Wine Aunt who somehow become Mom and Dad to 3 beautiful criminal children. Mom and Dad love their criminal babies and the kids love them (as well as each other, but we’ll come to that in a moment). You get amazing family moments such as: Mom and Dad packing the kids lunch before sending them out to kick corporate greed’s ass; Mom and Dad giving the kids ridiculously expensive and personal Christmas presents causing their most Grumpy Kid to go very very quiet and soft as he runs off to gleefully play with his new murder toy; the kids interrupting Mom and Dad’s big Movie Style Kiss to ask if they can please keep their new underground layer and huffing and puffing when Dad tells them no.

2. Found family: the OT3 edition. To answer your question, the OT3 is indeed canon, confirmed by the creator. Now, usually, “confirmed by the creator” infuriates me because most of the time it’s a way for a creator to be seen as “progressive” without doing anything to actually be progressive. That isn’t the case here. The OT3 are built up carefully and while it is obvious the creators didn’t originally intend for all 3 of them to become a relationship in the romantic sense, by mid-season 5 we are given a very clear picture of where Parker, Hardison and Eliot are heading in their relationship. There aren’t any kisses at the end to signal this but there are solid marriage vows in not only one but two episodes. (And by marriage vows I mean literal equivalents of marriage vows: “for better or worse” and “’til death do us part”. I’m not even exaggerating). The OT3 also doesn’t need explicit romantic narratives to convey how much they love each other. Their love is laced through the whole show, from the way they teach each other things to the way they respond to each other and work as a unit. The way they fiercely protect and admire each other. Like someone once said, if you need characters to kiss or say I love you to let the audience know they love each other, you are writing them wrong.

Aside from that, each of the parings in the OT3 are just. Gah. They are so well done, with friendship being the solid basis for them all. The creators never expect the audience to assume anything about them or fill in the gaps. They give us their relationships on screen and reference many things off-screen to show us how these relationships continue to build in between episodes.

Hardison and Parker are a canon couple and date in the show: it’s approached slowly and they are so goddamned sweet. They are basically every fluffy slow-burn trope with a healthy dash of mutual pining in the mix. They are basically that quote “love is patient, love is kind”. (I would like to add their romance never becomes the focus of the show or overrides the importance of any other relationship they have with the other characters, especially Eliot.)

Hardison and Eliot are the Old Married Couple and from day one are already bickering and looking at each other/making comments that are found in every UST fic ever (not to mention Hardison has a very good knack for making Eliot grin like a little kid, when usually he’s basically an Angry Little Chef Man). They argue, they play, and love each other plain as day.

Parker and Eliot are more subtle but every bit as wonderful. They have an unspoken connection and understand each other on a level no-one else can. Parker and Eliot are not good with giving themselves over to affection for different reasons (and Hardison plays a central role in helping them realise it’s okay to want it and have it- that boy has endless patience) but there is something so beautiful in the way the two of them come together on their own and develop their own special bond that works for them. Parker and Eliot are that trope where the characters don’t need to speak to understand each other perfectly. They just do. Their love language is a lot of the time non-verbal but speaks volumes. (Parker also likes to annoy the hell out of Eliot and Eliot....just.....lets...her. Because he’s soft. The softest, grumpiest boy.)

I could go into so much depth for each pairing and their dynamics as a 3 but that's for another post.

3. Subverting stereotypes. There is the occasional hiccup in the show regarding stereotypes but ultimately, Leverage gets an A+ when it comes to writing characters and making them 3 dimensional people who are not defined by certain characteristics or events. Nate could so easily fall into the White Man Pain trope where he uses the trauma of losing his kid as a reason as to why he is entitled to act like a dick. Nate is a dick but he doesn’t use his pain to excuse it and I appreciate that. Hardison is a black man who is soft and nurturing. Easily the most empathetic and patient of the group. He’s nerdy, an actual genius, and has the biggest heart of all the characters. Nate is maybe the glue but Hardison is definitely the heart. Media’s usual aggressive, amongst other, racist stereotypes can fuck right off. Parker is canonically autistic (I am sure this was confirmed by one of the creators) and she is not defined by it. It’s not written as some kind of singular personality trait. It’s part of what makes up Parker but it’s only one facet of who she is and not once is her actions, thoughts or feelings treated like a joke. Sometimes people don’t understand why she does and says the things she does but it’s met with patience and fondness over the course of the show. Equally, it’s not met with over-caution. Parker is just Parker. No-one tries to change her. The other nice thing is Hardison, who always makes sure Parker knows she’s amazing because of who she is and not in spite of it. Finally, Sophie is in her 40s. She’s not treated like she’s past her prime. Ever. She’s sexy, smart and never is she pitted against or compared to Parker (who is younger) for anything. Sophie is amazing and there’s never even a conversation of “I may be older but I am still *insert adjective typically associated with younger women here*”. Sophie is possibly the first female character I’ve ever seen who isn’t just unapologetic about her age but has never had to apologise for her age. It’s a non-issue and that’s that. The women on the show are written so well, right down to secondary characters and it’s beyond refreshing.

4.) It’s just fun. The show has a “monster of the week” type format. Except instead of a ghoul or a ghost, the monster is some corrupt wealthy and powerful individual or organisation. The show draws on real-life individuals to do this and therefore closely parallels real-life people and events. It addresses important political, economical, social and environmental issues while at the same time remaining fun and light-hearted. The characters constantly get the chance to play dress up and by GOD do they have fun with it. You get to watch Eliot beat up bad guys in the most delightful of ways, usually after a witty non-sequitur and with a weapon you’d never think could be a weapon. The dialogue and back and forth between the characters is everything. And finally - my favourite thing- the team can never resist striking a dramatic pose after they’ve taken down the bad guy, making sure the bad guy sees them. I mean, they COULD just walk away, satisfied they’ve taken the person down, but nope. They gotta be dramatic bitches 24/7 and pose like they are models for every single month of this year’s Criminal Calendar.

5.) Competence Porn. So. Much. Competence Porn.

Honestly, I could list a thousand reasons for why Leverage is amazing but to list them would to be spoiling so many amazing moments you’d get to discover for the first time on your own if you do choose to watch it. It’s the kind of show you can watch with an eagle-eye and sink your teeth into. But it’s also the kind of show if, you would prefer, put on in the background for something entertaining while you do something else. Each episode is about the job at hand but it’s made up of so many moments between the characters that show how much the creators and writers care about them. You’ll laugh, you’ll cry, you’ll do whatever it is you do when something Soft and Wonderful happens that makes your heart melt. I am so beyond grateful for Leverage. It’s everything I always wanted in a show. Nearly every show I’ve watched in the past 10 years has disappointed me in some way, usually either because the writers run out of steam or characters who I love are treated poorly or given some kind of unnecessary “shock value” arc. Leverage doesn’t do that. Leverage is what it says on the bottle. Fandom isn’t something I joined because I needed canon fix-its. Fandom only enhances and celebrates an already excellent canon.

#leverage #leverage ot3 #parker #alec hardison #eliot spencer #sophie devereaux #nate ford #talk leverage to me

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morrisxn02 · 1 year ago

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link couldn’t help but let his grin widen slightly at edward playing along. there were a couple of reasons why edward might not have been a fan of link’s just yet, as his sister’s were ( or, at least, cara was, once upon a time ) — one being that he sees through link’s bullshit, but he doubted that. or maybe it was the fact that he did technically dump his twin sister.... and the third reason being that he just did not like link. which was ridiculous, since link was molding himself into a personality that he thinks eddie would like the most. so why hasn’t he gained the trust of the third morrison yet ? it was frustrating him more than he’d like to admit. so to have him be a bit more friendly and open than other times right now was making link happy.

and maybe he should call him pretty. that was one angle that link never thought to try with edward.

“ sorry about that, morrison. didn’t think you needed me to tell you that, thought it’d be like pointing out the obvious. ” he compliments again, this time with a different glint and tone. it’s not like flirting with him would be hard to do, link did find him very attractive, after all. he just always assumed that that was the face of an aggressively straight man. “ — and i don’t think it’s pretentious. i actually quite like the classics. they’re not my favorite, but... maybe you should read those lines to me. they might sound better coming out of your mouth. ” he says, leaning back a little.

They were Machiavelli’s wildest wet dream: two strategists playing a never-ending game of chess just for the thrill of having the upper hand over the other. And Edward had just sacrificed his queen.

For too long he had avoided Lincoln, tried to be as clearly opposed to his presence as he could. But, so far, in terms of cracking the puzzle that was Lincoln Crawford, that had gotten Edward nowhere. On the one hand, Crawford still tried everything to approach him – insincere flatteries and fake niceties –, while Edward could never seem to figure out his motives. It was that time in a match where one had to compromise so the game could continue...

White Queen to D5.

White Queen takes Black Rook.

White Queen unprotected.

It seemed like an unnecessarily brazen move. Something experienced chess players would only try in the most favorable conditions. After all, Edward’s reputation was on the line. But was that not the old saying? Nothing ventured, nothing gained. Moreover, as corrupt as Lincoln Crawford could be, Edward could hardly fathom them using his sexuality to their advantage. There was honor even among thieves after all.

Incredulous at Crawford’s ability to not let an opportunity go to waste, Edward was unable to retain the scoff that escaped his half-agape mouth. More than ever, his cynical blue glare indicated that he was not falling for their bullshit. “See? So much easier. And you didn’t even have to put effort into making something up. I’m a man of simple tastes.” He said, looking down at his thirty-thousand-dollar watch for the time. A smirk redolent of arrogance and narcissism nested on his face like a bird as though that was its home. Because it was.

But then came the jab Edward had not foreseen, and he could feel his picture-perfect smile crack for a second.

Clever.

Black Bishop to D5.

Black Bishop takes White Queen.

Lincoln could have waited a few more rounds to capture Edward's Queen with a Pawn. Something much less compromising. But instead, he chose to leave his Bishop unguarded. Surprising. Risky. Their move might have been as calculated as Edward's move, but in the short run, White would seize the opportunity.

"That's subtle." He had to admit that he enjoyed it, though. In spite of the shock. He enjoyed Crawford's audacity and sweet talk as much as he enjoyed the idea of grabbing them by the hem of their shirt, pinning them to a wall, and stripping them bare...

Of their secrets, of course.

What a rampant checkmate that would be.

He said nothing for a moment, though. Nothing says you're in control of a situation more than a few seconds of uncomfortable silence. The type that overstays its welcome. But, he does not drop Lincoln's gaze. He holds their stare almost as if in approval. Almost as if his eyes were telling him, ‘good one’. Matching opponents do have to commend each other every now and then, after all. Especially when their playing level was so above everyone else's. Who else would value one's cleverness then, besides their adversary?

“You know, I don’t really take requests.” His tone was coated in a healthy amount of arrogance. He liked to feed into the flame that was this unending tension between them. This argument that maybe existed only in his head to find out who would outsmart whom first. “But I will admit I do one hell of a Macbeth.” He clears his throat, “Then live, Macduff. What need I fear of thee?" He stares deep into Lincoln's handsome green eyes, "But yet I’ll make assurance double sure, and take a bond of fate. Thou shalt not live, that I may tell pale-hearted fear it lies, and sleep in spite of thunder.” His words are sober, devoid of the flair he reserved for the stage, but they are painfully sincere. For a moment, he was Macbeth. He was not trying to impress Lincoln, by any means. He didn't even expect him to say anything. He was fully aware of how good an actor he was. He was just playing out his scheme.

White Pawn to D5.

White Pawn takes Black Bishop.

Hopefully that would open path to the Black King.

#thread: lincoln crawford #lincoln crawford 01 #i have NO CLUE whether these chess moves make any sense or not #this is so fruity

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luvluvnitrodynamite · 3 years ago

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jealous jujutsu kaisen characters <3

ft. itadori yuuji, gojou satoru g/n!reader (sfw, with some suggestive themes in gojou)

itadori yuuji - watching itadori get jealous is a bit cute, if you're being honest. i mean, take what happened in the grocery store yesterday. ~ "yuuji, we're out of rice," you say to him, re-checking your list. "we're out of rice??? impossible. i just had some yesterday." you sigh. "be that as it may, that doesn't change the fact that we don't have it anymore. can you grab it really fast?" he pouts a bit. you're not sure if he genuinely doesn't want to leave your side or if he's just stalling to remember where the rice aisle is. regardless, you don't want to stand here all day. "yuuji, i'll give you a kiss as a reward if you get it for me." he perks up immediately, giving you a grin and a thumbs up before dashing in the opposite direction. you smile to yourself. itadori may have been an idiot, but he's your idiot. the thought warms your heart. you push your cart of the produce section and into a large selection of rows, choosing one closest to you. you seem to be in the tea aisle. oh good, you think. we've been out of tea for a couple of days now. you peruse the section, picking up some green tea. you get some chamomile as well, stacking the boxes carefully so they won't get crushed by fruits. mmm what about chai? you search the boxes, only to see it's at the very top self. you reach up, fingers just barely touching the platform it's on. you can't even brush up against the box. you try standing on tiptoes, looking a bit silly as you try to extend your body beyond its natural length. you're thinking maybe you should wait for itadori to get back when a different hand easily plucks the box off the shelf. you follow the hand to its owner, to see it belongs to a tall guy about your age. he's cute you suppose, but it's no itadori. still, you smile sweetly and charm him with a "thank you! there was no way I was going to reach that." He smiles broadly back at you. "No problem," he replies. "You like chai tea?" You want to be polite and he's nice enough, so you respond "definitely! I don't know if it's my favorite, but it's a staple in my pantry." He blushes a bit, and scratches his hand behind his neck. "Yeah, same," he says. "There's actually a really nice café that opened up a few blocks away from here. They make a mean cup of chai, and they have these delicious little cinnamon rolls that go really well with them. If you're free any time soon, do you want to try one with me?" You open your mouth to politely turn him down when you feel a protective arm wrap around your waist. You turn your head to see a pink-cheeked itadori glaring at the stranger. he does look mad, but you also think he just looks so cute. ah, the duality of man. "oh, hi yuuji! did you get the rice?," you ask him. you have priorities, after all. "yeah," he says, not moving his arm or his gaze. "who's this, love?" oh, he's really jealous if he's pulling out the love. you try to defuse the situation. "oh, this guy just helped me get some tea from the top shelf. thanks again!" you say. the guy was not expecting a wild itadori to emerge from the tall grass, and is trying to figure a way out. "no problem," he repeats. "i'll see you around, yeah?" without waiting for a response, he puts the tea in your cart and walks away. "did you know that guy?" you ask, as itadori relaxes and puts the rice in the cart. "no, but it sure looks like you did," he says, a bit annoyed. "yuuji, are you jealous?" you tease. "no! of course not!" he retorts. his cheeks are still pink though, and now he's looking around like he expecting another guy to run through and sweep you up in their arms. you decide to take mercy on him, and tug one of his hands in your own. "hey, don't i owe you a reward for getting my rice?" he perks up, and flicks his gaze almost imperceptibly towards your mouth. you sweetly press his lips to his cheek, and smile innocently when he gives you an annoyed look. you turn around to go the cart, only to see that the tea guy has returned. itadori sees him too, and he looks mad again. however, instead of confronting him, he looks at you and says,

"c'mon, i meant a real kiss." he gently places his hands on your face and pulls you in. it's a light, yet passionate kiss. the rhythm is slow and soft, but there's a definite intensity behind it. his tongue has just swiped your bottom lip, entering your mouth when you remember that you're in public. you pull away and glance at the end of the aisle. the guy is gone. you glance at itadori. he is grinning triumphantly at you. you smile in spite of yourself, going back over to the cart. "yuuji?" he comes over, wrapping his arms around you and placing his head over your shoulder. "yes, my love?" "you got the wrong kind of rice." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ gojou satoru - a jealous gojou is not a good gojou. if you think he's annoying normally, it's about to get so, so, so much worse. ~ "satoru please!" you beg. you're feeling desperate now, there's no other way out. you two have gone to the park for a picnic to savor one of his rare days off. the spot you chose was warm and sunny with few people around; the day was supposed to be lovely. and it was, at least for a while. you had spent just the last hour cloud-watching, peacefully pointing out odd shapes in the sky. really though, you were just taking an excuse to lay on his stomach and talk. you two get so little time together like this that you try to savor every moment. however, in your analysis of a banana-shaped cloud far on the horizon, you noticed a familiar shape. the shape of your ex, to be precise. you stiffen, and gojou notices. "hey," he says. "what's wrong?" you don't respond immediately; your mind is swirling with schemes to avoid them. if you guys packed up now, could you go without being noticed? no, you were too close. could you hide? no, there wasn't anywhere to duck behind. you had to stop time somehow, but how? gojou waves his hand over your face. "hey? everything ok down there? have you gone into the void?" he asks. you start to glare at him, but then his words hit you in the face. the void. he can draw your ex into the void while you make a hasty getaway. you sit up, dropping your angry look and switching to a more saccharine one. "satoru," you start. "can you do a favor for me?" he gives you an easy smile. "of course, anything for you," he replies. "great, can you trap the person in the white shirt over there into the infinite void?" that certainly gets his attention. "i'm sorry, what?" he asks incredulously. "ok, so that's my ex over there. things ended kind of...awkwardly, and I just don't want to deal with this right now. could you trap them into the void before they notice me?" "i don't think the relationship was the thing that was awkward love. maybe you should just, you know, face the problem head on?" he suggests. "it can't be that bad. and even if it is, at least it'll be entertaining. actually, i'll give you two some privacy!" he says cheerfully, and promptly leaves. that brings you to your current predicament. you could be responsible and mature, but that would involve getting over your breakup. you may have slightly understated the awkwardness of the situation. truthfully, you got dumped and you pined over your ex for weeks afterward. you especially did not take it when when you were being broken up with. you begged them not to leave you while crying, making quite the scene in the restaurant they had chosen. now, with no lingering emotions, you just feel guilty and embarrassed for how you acted. but that was in the past, and you could move past that as long as it wasn't walking up to you. and now with gojou walking away, and them walking up...oh no. oh no oh no ohnonono. you take a deep breath in, and breathe out. i'm not the same person i was then, you think to yourself. this thought steadies your nerves; in fact, maybe gojou was right. you have been wondering what they’ve been up to, after all, and you might stop feeling guilty if you apologize. a bright and cheerful “hey!!” jolts you out of your thoughts; there they are. “hey,” you respond, a bit less cheerfully. you push yourself up off the ground to

greet them, and are a bit surprised when they pull you into a hug. it’s a more intimate hug than you would have guessed, with their hands snaking around your waist and gently cradling your head. they smell...nice, you think to yourself. as you pull away, you feel watched. you’re not sure from where, since you can’t see him, but you know gojou is watching you. well, good. he refused to help you out of this mess, so maybe you’ll make him suffer a bit. neither one of you say anything for a second.. “so….i guess how are you?” they ask you, smiling. “i’m great,” you reply. “how are you?” you ask. “good.” you stand there, neither one of you wanting to interrupt the delicate silence. “so,” you both say at the same time. you guys laugh, and just like that, the weird silence dissipates. “you go first,” they say to you. “well, i just want to say that i’m sorry. i know breaking up was probably hard for you, but i think i just made it harder by, you know, being unable to let us go. that was unfair to you and it definitely made things harder for me, so i’m really sorry about that.” “oh, wow,” your ex say, a bit surprised. “well, that sort of contrasts what i’m about to say. i was going to say that you were right.” huh? what? you furrow your eyebrows together, and stare back with a bemused expression. “i was right?” you venture. “about...what?” your ex sheepishly scratches the back of their head, giving you an embarrassed smile. “about us, i mean. you kept telling me that we were better together, and that we would only be unhappy apart. i know it’s been a while since we were together, but lately it’s all i can think about. i….still think i love you.” well, that was a bombshell. you just stare at them, stunned into silence. “sorry, i know that this is way too much for just meeting again; you just looked so beautiful and it reminded me of when we were together and i just miss being together and -- ah, i’m rambling like a crazy person now, aren’t i?” they wryly ask. you giggle. “just a bit,” you respond. they take your hands into theirs, tracing their thumb lightly over your skin. their eyes are honest, and their face is hopeful. “i know this is really sudden, but would you maybe want to get dinner with me soon? you don’t have to, of course, but…?” they pull one hand out, and drift it up to your face, caressing your jawline with such care that if you were not previously engaged, you might have melted into their arms right there. but you already had a boyfriend, even if he was an annoying one. you thought briefly about pretending to accept their offer, just to needle him, but decided against it. instead, you just kindly smiled at your ex, and pull their hand from your face. “this is really sweet,” you say. “but, unfortunately, i’m already taken.” their face falls, but they quickly mask it with a smile. “ah, i get it. someone as amazing as you would get snapped up fast. it was just my mistake to let you go,” they say, pulling back. “well, why don’t we start over with this. how about instead of a romantic dinner date, we just get coffee sometime. no love attached,” they add. “sure,” you respond. “i have been wanting to know what you’ve been up to.” “same here, how about tomorrow at 11?” they ask. “it’s a date!” you joke. “now, what’s a date?” you hear a familiar, slightly pouty voice from behind you. of course. why wouldn’t gojou appear at the worst possible time. you turn to your boyfriend, who has a shit-eating grin on his face. he’s planning something, but what? “hey ‘toru, this is my ex." you face your ex. "this is my boyfriend, gojou satoru." your ex smiles at him, blissfully unaware. "nice to meet you. we were just planning on getting some coffee soon." “oh, is that so? you’re not trying to steal my love away from me, are you?” there’s no threat in his voice, no hostility, but all the same your ex seems to pick up on his vexing energy and straightens up a little bit. “no, of course not,” they say. “hmmm, i believe you. but all the same, i could have sworn i heard talk of

a date. that reminds me love, weren’t we just finishing up on a date ourselves?” you sigh. “yes, we were.” turning to your ex, you turn back to say goodbye. that, however, is cut off by your lovely boyfriend picking you up and throwing you over his shoulder like a sack of flour. shocked, you pound your fists against his back. “gojou satoru, put me down right now.” gojou ignores you, instead sticking one hand out to shake your ex’s hand. “sorry to cut this short, but we simply must finish our date back at our place. wish i could invite you, but this is a more private activity.” he cheerfully states. mortified, you start kicking him and hitting him even harder. “ ‘toru! put me down so i can dump you right here and now!” “ahh, can’t have that now. we’d best get going so that someone learns a lesson, see you around!” with that and a quick sweep down to gather the picnic supplies, gojou carries you kicking and screaming out of the park. once outside, he puts you down. “satoru, what the absolute hell was that??? that was so embarrassing!” you cry out. “it was your idea to let me deal with that, and then you swoop in once it’s all taken care of? now they’re going to think i’m...i’m... i don’t even know what they’ll think of me, but i’m sure it won’t be positive!” “shhhh,” says gojou. “you might make a scene.” if you were mad before, well, now you’re apoplectic. “a scene???? i might make a scene?” you spit out seethingly. the entire way home, you tear into him for embarrassing you in front of your ex and an entire park full of people. finally, you get home and you drop the j-word. “and all this because you were just jealous??” now that you’ve dropped the threshold of your front door and pulled the trigger, gojou’s entire demeanor shifts. he drops the picnic supplies and picks you up again, but instead of going over his shoulder you’re now up against the wall. you instinctively wrap your arms and legs around him to keep from falling, skillfully intertwining your bodies together. his blindfold has slipped off, and now his piercing blue eyes are pouring into yours with a powerful intensity. your previous angry words slip off into the void, as you’re transfixed by the way he’s staring at you. he leans forward to rest his forehead against yours, the tips of your noses just barely touching. “yeah,” he breathes. “i got jealous. i let an ex come up to you and try to take you away, and i only sat there and watched. i knew you would never cheat on me, but i just got annoyed with myself for encouraging that. you mean too much to me to just let you be taken by someone else, so i really wanted to get you out of there as fast as possible. so, yeah, i’m sorry for embarrassing you. let me make it up to you?” it’s hard to say no in this position, but you try to hold your resolve. “satoru, you just can’t do that. promise me you’ll never do that again?” he’s still looking at you with that seriousness, so he replies “yes” with uncharacteristic sincerity. there’s nothing out of character though about the way he moves in to kiss you though, full of desire and need. you fall into a steady rhythm, a sweet push-and-pull of dominance flicking between you two. gojou suddenly takes over, and just as suddenly, he pulls away and starts carrying you to the nearest flat surface. “let me show you how much you mean to me, yeah?”

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quicksilverownsmysoul · 3 years ago

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Not What It Seems

Summary: Colin is the sweetest man you’ve ever met and yet for some reason everybody seems suspicious of him. By befriending him you learn the hard way that there is such a thing as being too nice

Word Count: 4125 oof

Warnings: Evil Colin, murder mention, minor violence, restraint

Colin was the most charming man you had ever met. He always held the door open for others, making sure everyone got in before he did. He brought you and Mare a coffee everyday, always remembering your order exactly and even bringing you a pastry from time to time. He stayed late to finish up paperwork, reorganized the office and even brought lunch for everyone each Friday. And yet no matter how many good things he did it seemed everyone at the station was wary of him.

You watched as he tried to get to know Mare and them better but they all kept their distance. Always making sure to never get too close to him. He tried each and every day to get Mare to open up to him, but she always shut him down. He would just brush it off with a smile and pretend it didn’t bother him. But you would see the way his smile would falter for a minute before he went back to his usual friendly demeanor.

You were the secretary for the station and you were known for your friendliness and caring nature. Sometimes a little too caring. Mare had often warned you that that was going to be your downfall one of these days. You just ignored her saying that it never hurt to be nice to anyone. So after days of watching Colin try and fail to make friends with his coworkers you decided to approach him yourself.

You came in a couple days later with a box in hand, it was green with fancy gold lettering written across the top. It was from the bakery at the edge of town, the really nice one. Everyone waited for you to place it in the break room like you usually did. But instead you walked directly towards Colin’s desk, they all watched with nervous eyes. Some even tried to stop you.

Colin had his head down, immersed in his work. He was sitting all alone in his shared office with Mare. Since he had been transferred there she worked out of the captain's office, she said something about him made the hair on the back of her neck stand up. You had just rolled your eyes and told her she was being paranoid. He didn’t even notice you until he saw your shoes stopped at his desk. He slowly looked up and you gave him one of your signature smiles. “Morning Detective.”

“Morning (y/n).” He smiled at you jutting his pen at the box in your hand. “I’m guessing you brought these to put in the break room.”

You shook your head and held the box towards him. “Actually I got them for you .”

His face split into a large smile, it was contagious and you felt yourself smile as well. “Really?” You nodded and he slowly reached his hands out and took the box, he flipped open the lid to see an array of donuts. They were all neatly placed and delicately decorated, he took one out and closed his eyes at the heavenly taste.

He looked up at you with wide eyes. “Why did you get these for me?”

“I just felt like it.” You smiled and made your way out of the office, turning back to face him once more. “Besides what are friends for.” Colin watched you as you made your way back to your desk, you caught his eyes and smiled at him. He returned it mouthing a thank you and pointing excitedly at the box.

The next day during lunch you watched Colin go around the office and offer the lunch he brought to his coworkers. He held bags of takeout towards them filled with their favorite foods urging them to take it. They all gave him a tight smile, declining his offer. After a while he gave up and sat down at an empty table with the food no one wanted. He sat alone, no one wanted to sit with him, they would come by and he’d get this hopeful look on his face but they’d just ask to borrow a chair.

“Is this seat taken?” Colin whipped his head up at hearing your voice.

“No!” He answered quickly, getting up to pull your chair out for you. You giggled and thanked him.

He reached into the bag and pulled out a takeout container, hesitantly offering it to you. “Would you maybe like some?”

“I’d love some.” At hearing your answer Colin reached into the bag and began to pull out numerous containers. He handed you a plate and watched as you took a little bit of everything, not wanting it to go to waste. You thanked him for the food and complemented how good it was. He watched you for a moment before getting some of his own and eating with you.

You talked with him as you are asking him about cases and just trivial things like his favorite color. But he ate it up telling you everything you wanted to know and asking questions of his own which you gladly answered. By the end of lunch you felt as if you had known him all your life. You thanked him and went back to your desk, you could see him return to his own large smile on his face. You glanced to the side and saw Mare staring at you. She had this warning look in her eyes, she was silently telling you that she didn’t trust him. You broke her gaze and went back to work, there was no way a man as nice as that could be bad.

For the rest of the week you noticed that Colin had shifted his attention towards you. Usually he would go around the whole office trying to talk to others, especially Mare, but now he sought only you out. He would talk to you a little more when bringing your coffee and he’d stop by during the day just to chat. He was still nervous about asking you to sit with him at lunch so you always went to ask him yourself.

At the end of lunch on Friday you moved to get up, collecting your trash and giving him a goodbye like usual. But today Colin caught your hand before you could leave. You looked at it and he quickly released you. “I’m sorry!” He quickly spit out. He watched you, you could tell he had something on his mind, the way his fingers nervously drummed on the table. After a moment he cleared his throat. “Um a buddy of mine opened up a restaurant in town and I was wondering if maybe you wanted to go with me?” You thought about it for a moment, not answering right away. Colin took it as a silent no, already forming an apology in his head.

You could feel all eyes on you in the break room, you looked up and saw Mare watching you. She had heard his question and was subtly shaking her head, telling you to say no. You looked around and sure enough everyone was advising the same. You turned back to Colin, he was looking down at his shoes, fiddling with his hands in his lap. You gave a gentle smile. “I’d love to go.”

He looked up at you with puppy dog eyes, and a bright smile. “Okay, I’ll pick you up at eight tonight!” You nodded and headed back to your desk, tossing your trash in the can near the captain's office. Mare stepped out of the office and placed her hand on your shoulder. “Can I talk to you?” You nodded and she dragged you around the corner and into the stairway, away from prying eyes.

“What are you doing?”

You raised an eyebrow at her. “I was throwing away my trash. What are you doing Mare?”

She rolled her eyes, crossing her arms over her chest. “You know what I mean. About Colin, why did you say yes to going out with him.”

“It’s not like it’s a date Mare.” You answered.

“Whatever, you still shouldn’t go with him.”

“And why not?” At this point you were starting to get mad at her. You couldn't understand why everybody was so cold towards him, he had been nothing but an absolute sweetheart since he got to Easttown. “He is like the nicest man I've ever met, he wouldn't do anything bad to me.

“Yeah, a little too nice.” Mare lowered her voice. “Look I don’t trust him.”

“Mare-”

Something in her gaze changed and you quickly shut your mouth, allowing her to continue on. “There’s something off about him, one of his old coworkers called here not too long ago and told me to be wary of him. Apparently for a while he was a suspect in that girl’s case, the one from the county. They never did find anything on him and he was the one who solved the murder so all charges were dropped aganist him. But he gets really weird when I ask him about the case. I think he knows more about her disappearance than he’s letting on.”

“Mare, we don’t know for sure that he had anything to do with it.” You crossed your arms. You glanced around the wall to see Colin at his desk, he was singing along to the radio in his office while he did his paperwork. He saw you and gave you a smile, you returned it and turned back to Mare. Mare followed your gaze and saw the way his smile dropped, and how he watched her with cold eyes, trying to figure out why she had taken you to talk with you. Mare narrowed her eyes at him. “For all we know that would just be a spiteful coworker trying to stir up drama.”

“I don’t want to take any chances. I don’t want you getting hurt.” You could tell from her tone she was concerned, it was a sweet sentiment but she didn't know Colin like you did. She didn't even take the time to get to know him.

“I can take care of myself Mare.” You gave a gentle smile. “Besides what’s the worst that could happen?”

Colin showed up at your door a half hour early ready to take you to dinner, thankfully you were already ready. You opened the door and saw him all dressed up in a suit, looking as if he was going to prom, he even had a bouquet of flowers. He looked cute, you felt a blush settle onto your face, you had never really taken the time to look at Colin before. He was quite handsome, and when he smiled and flashed his dimples you felt your knees get weak. He nervously tugged at his tie and offered you the flowers. “I got these for you.”

“Aw you didn’t have to.”

“I know but I just felt like it.” His response was eerily similar to the one you had given when he asked you about the donuts you brought him. It made you a little uneasy but you couldn't figure out why. “Should we get going?”

“Yea, let me just put these in some water.”

The ride to the restaurant was filled with easy chatter, things felt so comfortable between you two. About halfway there he reached his hand over to rest on your own, his fingers were trembling. You didn't read too much into the action and lightly squeezed his hand in return. At the restaurant you guys were seated right away, a treat from Colin’s buddy. You scanned the menu, trying to decide what to get, everything looked so good. Colin watched you over his menu. “So what did you and Mare talk about?”

His question surprised you, it was so straightforward, You put down your menu to look at him. “Nothing much, just work stuff.” He responded with an amused chuckle and set his own menu down.

“You were talking about me weren’t you?” You tried playing it off and he just laughed it off. “It’s okay everyone there talks about me.”

“That doesn't make it okay.” He just nodded his head.

“Let me guess, she told you about me being a suspect in my last case didn't she?”

“How did you-”

“I knew it was going to happen sooner or later. The guys back at the country never really liked me.” He said with a sad smile, his eyes not meeting yours. “It only made things worse when I got assigned to the case to help them out. I was a new detective and they were old timers, very respected. It didn't make them look good when I solved the case so they started this rumor that I solved the case so quickly because I was the one that killed her.”

“That’s awful. I’m so sorry Colin.”

He wet his lips, still keeping his eyes cast downward. “I was hoping when I got assigned up here it would be a fresh start, I would finally get to have some friends.” He smiled to himself for a moment, you watched his lips trembled before dipping downard. There was a loneliness in him that was evident in the way he talked about the situation. “But I guess they called and told their rumor to Mare, kinda ruined things for me.”

You reached out and took his hand in yours, running your thumb across his hand. “You have me.”

“And I still can’t believe it.” You took your hand back and picked up your menu again. Colin’s hand twitched, itching to chase your own to keep it near him. He picked up his own menu. “You don’t believe her do you?”

“Hm?” You glanced up at him, his eyes were dark and unreadable.

“You don't think I killed her?” He let out a little laugh, but stopped when he noticed you didn't answer right away. “Do you?” His face looked completely different, and the way his eyes watched you made you want to get up and leave.

You gulped, his look making you uneasy. “No, you're the good guy, the hero detective.” You blocked what you could of your face with your menu, only letting him see your eyes. “Right?”

“Right.” His expression snapped right back to normal, his usual puppy dog eyes a complete one eighty from his previous dark look. “So what are you going to get, I think I’m gonna go with the stake.” He gave you a warm smile reaching for your hand, you flinched when it made contact. You were still rattled at how quickly he seemed to change his personality.

“I-I think I’ll get the chicken.”

“That looked good too, I may have to steal some from ya.” He joked and you laughed along, too scared to find out what would happen if you didn't.

You tried your best to shake off the uneasiness of what had happened. It was no more than a couple minutes long and yet the rest of the night it weighed heavy on your mind. For the rest of dinner you watch him closely, waiting to see if he would slip back into the darkness you had seen before. But he never did, he was positively pleasant. You brushed it off, you figured he was just scared that you believed that horrible rumor and that you were going to pull away from him. And who could blame him, everyone at the office treated him like he was cursed and you were the only one who talked to him. He was just scared to lose you as a friend.

As you neared the end of dinner you seemed to forget what had happened earlier, Colin made you laugh and even treated you to dessert. By the time he dropped you off at home that eerie moment of darkness was all but forgotten. He helped you out of his car and walked you to the door. “I had a lot of fun tonight.” You felt his fingers brush against your own and you met him halfway, smiling as you noticed that his rough hands fit perfectly in your own.

“I did too. We should do it again sometime.”

“Maybe…” Colin cleared his throat, trying his best not to stumble over his words. “Maybe like a date?”

“I would love to go on like a date with you sometime.” You giggled. You moved closer and gave him a quick kiss on his cheek before rushing inside and leaving him shocked on your porch. “Goodnight!” You heard him call out a goodnight in response before making his way back to his car.

You guys started going out after that night, every date felt magical, and in no time you guys had come out as a couple. He was the perfect man, always surprising you with small gifts and kisses throughout the work day. You were absolutely enamored with him. Since the dinner at his buddy’s restaurant you never saw that darkness in his eyes again. But others seemed to. You usually had so many people who would stop by your desk during the day to talk with you but now no one dared to be near you. On the rare occasion someone did come to your desk to talk they excused themselves as soon as they saw Colin coming closer. Making up some excuse about having a lot of work. The only one who never backed away was Mare, even if Colin came up right behind you and held you while you were talking to her she didn't leave. She would just glare and act as if he wasn't there. She was always trying to pull you away from Colin so she could talk to you about him but you always seemed to have work to do that stopped you from chatting with her for too long.

As time went on Colin seemed to get even more attached to you, at times even working from your desk, not wanting to leave you alone for too long. One morning after he went out to get coffee for you two he came back to see someone sitting at your desk. It was the postman, he usually delivered the mail and then left but in seeing Colin wasn't there he had stopped to talk with you. You were laughing at something he said and you placed your hand on his forearm. Mare watched as Colin squeezed the coffee cups so hard they crumbled in his hands, the liquid spilling onto the floor. His eyes were dark, but the minute you saw him he made up some excuse about the coffee spilling. She narrowed her eyes watching him politely shake the guy's hand and talk with him like nothing was wrong, when a moment before he looked ready to kill him.

Coin Watched him leave before turning to face you a sweet smile on his lips. “Who was that?”

“You know Kevin, he delivers the mail.”

Colin sat down at your desk, fiddling with one of the many knick knacks that decorated it. “You seemed friendly with him.”

You didn't pick up on his accusation. “I’ve known him since high school, we dated for a while actually.” You let out a laugh and so did Colin, but it sounded hollow compared to yours.

“Hey would you maybe like to come to my house for dinner tonight? I’ll cook and maybe you can bring dessert.”

“Yeah that sounds perfect.” Colin smiled at your answer and got up to go back to his own desk.

“Perfect.”

That night you arrived wearing your nicest outfit and knocked on the door. “Come in!” Colin called out. You opened the door and it let out an ominous creak. It was dark, you squinted trying to make out your surroundings. You hung up your coat and set down the cake you had baked on the kitchen counter. You smiled to yourself at the dinner that he had setup, you looked around but Colin was nowhere to be seen. You saw the wine glasses that were set up, you took a drink from the glass in front of your plate. You noticed that it burned your throat slightly more than usual, you took another sip before calling out for him.

“I’m in the basement! I’m trying to find the lighter, can you come and help me?”

You walked through his house not giving it a second thought, your head feeling a little fuzzy. You walked down the stairs and made it to the bottom, still no sign of Colin. You noticed the bed that was there, along with a number of other things. The longer you looked the more you noticed everything was tailored to what you liked. The door slammed above you and you turned to run but were stopped by a tight grip on your arm. They spun you around and pressed your back into the wall. Your eyes widened as you saw who was the one attacking you. Colin gave you a soft smile, “What? He asked. “You didn't see that coming?” You struggled against his hold but found that you felt weak. He gently caressed your cheek, watching as you fighting ceased, your limbs feeling heavier “I see you drank the wine I left you. I added something a little extra just for you.” He picked you up and you beat your fist against his chest as hard as you could, it had little impact on him. He just brushed your hand away and laid you down on the bed. He bound your wrists and you began to cry. “Nononono don’t cry.” he cooed, brushing away your tears. “It’s temporary, until you learn your place.”

“Why are you doing this?” You cried out.

He kneeled down by your head. “So you won’t leave me like she did.”

‘She?”

“The girl from my case.” Your eyes widened.

“You killed her?” You whispered out.

“I didn't want to. She was the first person I had been with after my engagement ended. She was so nice and warm but then she tried to leave. I had to kill her. She didn't leave me a choice, she had fallen in love with someone else. I couldn't go through that again. I couldn't.” He was crying at this point. “All I wanted was her to stay with me and I didn’t mean to, I just saw her with him and the next thing I knew she was dead.” Tears continued streaming down his face as he finished tying you to the bed. “But it’s okay cause now I have you.” He gave you a smile, you felt your insides churn at the sight of it.

“You didn't have to do this!” You yelled pulling at the ropes. “I wasn’t going to leave you!”

“But eventually you were! I knew sooner or later you would find someone better than me. Like Kevin. I saw the way you talked with him today.” His smile faltered before picking back up. “Everything was going so well and he had to ruin it. He was going to take you away. But don’t worry now nothing will come between us.”

“You're crazy!” You cried out.

“Only for you darling.” He pressed a light kiss to your cheek and you turned your face away.

Colin made his way back up the stairs and locked the basement door behind him. He slipped the chain the key was on back over his head, hiding it below the hem of his shirt.

He dumped your wine out and refilled the glass as he sipped from his own. He glanced at the clock noticing the time, he turned the radio up. The basement was pretty sound proof already but you could never be too careful. His mom opened the door to the house carrying in groceries. “Hey Colin I’m home.”

“Hey mom.”

She glanced at the already set table and the steaming food that he had already prepared. “You made dinner for me. And you even baked a cake for dessert.” She set the stuff in her hands down, slightly pinching his cheek. “Such a good boy.” He smiled and sat down across from her. As they started to say grace there was a thud. She paused her prayer and opened her eyes, raising an eyebrow at him. “Did you hear something?”

“Not a thing.”

Taglist: @anonymushhy @chiswritingandreadingcorner @xxspqcebunsxx @coffeeandteaintheevening @kitwalkerangel @xmaximoffic @livingmybestfictionallife @evanmybeloved @kaismessiahbb

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camxnoel-updates · 3 years ago

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Cameron Monaghan brought the character of Ian Gallagher to life on Showtime’s hit series, Shameless. The series aired for a total of 11 seasons after originally premiering in 2011. It ranked as the network’s no. 1 comedy, longest-running series, and had the youngest-skewing audience of any Showtime series. Monaghan also joined two legendary universes with roles in both Gotham and Star Wars Jedi: Fallen Order, which I got to ask him about too!

The final season of SHAMELESS finds the Gallagher family and the South Side at a crossroads, with changes caused by the COVID pandemic, gentrification, and aging to reconcile. As Frank confronts his own mortality and family ties in his alcoholic and drug-induced twilight years, Lip struggles with the prospect of becoming the family’s new patriarch. Newlyweds Ian (Cameron Monaghan) and Mickey (Noel Fisher) are figuring out the rules and responsibilities of being in a committed relationship while Deb embraces her individuality and single motherhood. Carl finds an unlikely new career in law enforcement and Kevin and V struggle to decide whether a hard life on the South Side is worth fighting for.

Along with the final season, fans also got a six-episode series that featured new Shameless scenes juxtaposed with a retrospective look at each character’s journey over the prior 10 seasons, titled, Shameless Hall of Shame. The first episode followed Ian and Mickey, showcasing their unique relationship and its evolution from a teen fling into a loving, complicated marriage.

I was able to chat with the actor over zoom and ask him all of my burning questions regarding the series finale, Ian and Mickey’s future, the show’s open ending, the representation his character provided to those watching, what he kept from the set, his future projects, and so much more! Keep reading to find out everything he told me.

So first of all, I want to say a huge congrats to you for wrapping Shameless after 11 seasons and bringing this character to life, who has inspired so many and that so many relate to. I wanted to ask, what has your time on the show meant to you and how would you describe how it helped you grow as an actor?

Cameron Monaghan: I mean, it’s so difficult to distill 11 years into some sort of concise answer, but it’s meant a lot for so many reasons. I think that obviously it’s been important for my career and my life in a sense of how it’s not only given me exposure but also given all of us a platform as performers to be able to tell interesting and challenging stories and to really develop and grow. Obviously, we had a couple of old pros on the show– when I say old pros, I’m not calling them old, just that they’re professionals and they’ve been doing it for a long time, but like William H. Macy, Joan Cusack, and a number of people who had very storied careers. Then we had actors on the show who had never appeared on anything prior and for a lot of us, we were somewhere in the middle, where we’d been working for a number of years, but hadn’t been given the opportunities to really put ourselves out there in such a significant way.

So being able to get an audience over the course of 11 years– and the show grew steadily, it was a marginal success at first, but it wasn’t until like season 4 or 5 that it really started to be seen by people and really connect on a larger platform, and a lot of that had to do with Netflix. When that happens we had such an influx of people kind of saying how they related to it and I think that that’s something that I’ve really taken away– I think we’ve all taken away, to be able to hear a lot of other people’s stories and how they’ve connected these stories in entirely different ways. Everyone has had different favorite characters or storylines and they have brought their own personal experiences to that, but for people to say that they feel seen or heard in some ways by these stories, I think is very special. You know, the character that I was playing was an LGBT love story, as well as a story about mental illness, and coping and struggling with that. I had so many positive responses from people regarding those things, and it was amazing to hear people’s responses. So I think that not only was I able to grow as an actor but being able to hear that response and feedback helps you grow as a human being too. I guess that’s what one of my major takeaways is.

What was that final day of shooting like for you, and how did you feel when you officially wrapped?

It was a bit surreal. I don’t think it really set in at first. It’s always funny when you wrap on a project, I feel like it comes in waves, and with something like a TV show, you start to feel it on the last few episodes of like, “Oh, wow, it’s going to be over.” You start trying to find your little ways of saying goodbye to people and understanding that these conversations are obviously not the last for everyone; we’re still close with each other, but you start to recognize that within the context of the show they’ll be your last so that’s a difficult thing. I’ve never been particularly good at saying goodbye, you know? I feel like in general, I’m kind of a person that just likes to be like, “I’m just going to walk away from it cause I don’t know what else to do really.”

So, we were shooting pretty late at night and we were all there hanging out and cracking jokes, and it was just of like, “Oh, I guess that’s it.” We all kind of looked at each other like, “Well, what do we do now?” A bunch of us stuck around for a few hours afterward, we popped a bottle of champagne, and we sat in each others’ trailers and just kinda hung out until pretty early in the morning, the next day. Then we’ve all kind of just been hanging out and seeing each other since. Everyone’s been really busy, thankfully. So we’ve been traveling and going to different cities for work, but when we’ve been in town we’ve been trying to see each other. I had dinner with Jeremy and Ethan, who played my brothers on the show last week. Noel Fisher, I just saw yesterday. I’m going to see Shanola Hampton in a few days. We’re all still staying in touch with each other is what I’ll say.

Were you personally satisfied with the ending of the show? I think it was very open-ended, which was kind of nice and left a lot open for the future. And was there anything you wanted to see for your character that we weren’t able to?

Endings are difficult in general, but I feel like, especially with a show like Shameless, which is a show about a slice of life and sort of how existence doesn’t really fall into a perfect narrative; it tends to be messy and kind of just continue in spite of itself, and it’s a stream of these little victories and these constant mistakes. So you can’t really cap off a pure ending to a story like that. I think that what John Wells tried to do with writing it is not really conclude the stories. He concludes certain aspects, but the way that he explained it to us is he wanted it to feel like if you were walking through the streets of Chicago, maybe you might bump into these characters. Maybe they’re still out there and maybe they’re still doing things. Some of us had more resolution than others.

I would actually say that the Ian and Mickey storyline was one that did have a fair amount of resolution for the final episode. It was about their anniversary, how they were going to deal with their future, and they’ve kind of figured out some sort of life with each other. There are still large questions, whether or not they’re going to have kids and what the terms of their marriage will entail in the future, but those are questions that are lifelong questions, and ones that I think that we know these characters well enough and we understand their relationships well enough that we can draw our own conclusions for. I think there is something beautiful about the fact that the audience will project what their future for these characters will be.

I think it was a challenging final season because of so many extenuating factors in the world. All shows, businesses, everything was trying frantically to keep up with a changing landscape, and the fact that we were able to make it in spite of all of those things, I think is a victory in itself; one that we are all proud of and happy with. I do think there’s still a future, years out, where we might return to these characters and explore them further. I think that I’m happy putting them to bed for now, I think we all are, but I would like to maybe check in with these characters in 5 or 10 years, and just kind of see where they’re at and what they’re doing.

Kind of like a little Shameless movie, just to play catch up for a little bit.

Yeah, I think that’s something that is kind of more possible now with these streaming networks. They’ve done it with a few series, to sometimes success and sometimes mixed results, but I do think there is a possibility of a reunion season or something like that, depending on where the show fits into the public consciousness in a few years, you know? It’s an open question, but one I’d be excited to see.

How you would describe Ian’s evolution and journey on the show?

I think that Ian has come a long way in terms of confidence and assuredness in himself and his own decisions. I think that’s what a lot of the exploration of the character was, especially in the middle seasons between seasons like 3 to 8 or 9, are this guy who sort of just doesn’t necessarily know what he wants for himself and he’s dealing with a bunch of surprises about himself that he doesn’t necessarily understand, or hasn’t really come to terms with. I think it’s amazing to see Ian in these earlier episodes where he’s kind of getting kicked around by his relationships and by his family. He’s kind of a forgotten kid a little bit. He’s like a middle child, who’s just sort of– people aren’t really looking out for him. His brother does to a certain extent, but also his brother is kind of telling him what he wants for himself and Ian isn’t as active.

At a certain point, he starts to really come into his own as an adult and as a human being. I think it’s amazing how we see him as not only a big brother by the end of the series, but also sort of– there’s something a bit paternal about him. He becomes a bit of a father figure, even a little bit in his relationships. I think it’s interesting how Mickey was always sort of the commanding force and deciding factor for so much of the series; when Ian was really struggling with mental illness and down in the dumps, Mickey is the kind of guy who was looking after him, but by the end of the series, Mickey is a bit childlike in certain ways. Ian is kind of protecting him to a certain extent, and even with his older brother, Lip, Ian is sort of looking out for him in a slightly paternal way, which I think is kind of interesting. He really comes a long way in sort of being confident enough in himself to start looking out for other people that I think is a really great quality. It makes him a character who has made a fair amount of mistakes but mistakes that we understand, and I think that ultimately he’s a guy that I understand and really relate to because he does have this quality to him.

So I have to ask you some questions about Ian and Mickey. I personally love them together, they were one of the reasons I started watching the show. In the end, as you said, we kind of get some closure, but also an open ending with them and it’s a happy one; they’re together and celebrating their anniversary. In your head, what do you think that their future holds? Do you think kids are in the picture; do you think they’re going to be parents? Ideally, what is your version of their happy ending, if you could create it?

I think that they both still need to do some work. I would say that they need to do work as a couple in their marriage still of just defining the terms of what is it that they want financially, sexually, intimately, personally, all of these things. It’s a show full of people who aren’t great at communication or dealing with their own feelings– I mean to a certain extent, most human beings aren’t, but these guys, especially, come from a rough background and they have that tendency of just kind of wanting to push that stuff down. Ian has really opened up Mickey and Mickey to a certain extent has really opened up Ian over the course of the series, but I still don’t think they’re fully all the way there. Mickey has a lot of emotional baggage when it comes to parenthood, his father, and dealing with responsibility.

I don’t know if Mickey is fully there. Hopefully, he would be one day in the future. And hopefully, Ian would be patient enough to give him the space to make that decision and to not want to rush into it. I do think that it would be something in their future. Parenthood was a huge motivating factor for Ian earlier in the series, going so far as to steal someone’s baby at some point because he wants to be a father. I would hope that they would be able to provide that for him and for themselves, but there’s no way to know, we have to sort of make that assumption for ourselves, but I think so.

Ian and Mickey have been this fan-favorite couple that means so much to the LGBTQ+ community in terms of representation. What was the moment that you personally started rooting for them?

I think it was pretty early. I was rooting for Ian from the first episode, from the pilot, but the second that Mickey gets introduced to the show, he brought such a fun dynamic with him. Obviously, a massive amount of charisma that was coming from Noel Fisher. The scenes were always fun, exciting, and felt steeped in a lot of dramatic tension. Whether or not they were destined to be together was kind of a question that still was developing. In the first season to the third season, the Mickey character is pretty rough emotionally and physically; he is at points pretty, extremely abusive in a way that is great for a character and for a story, but if I was talking to Ian as a person in real life, I would probably say, “Get the hell away from this guy. He’s awful for you.”

But within the context of the story, we’re able to get the internal life of these characters and we understand them well enough to really want to be rooting for them and see them succeed. It builds into this pretty epic love story of these characters that really do feel kind of intertwined by fate and something greater. It feels like you have these forces pulling for them in a way that you want with every fiber of your being to see it work out for them because you care for them. So obviously, Noel and I had been rooting for these characters the entire time, but it was really fun playing some of the ridiculousness of the situations of the two of them, where they were just very at odds with each other at times. It was a joy bouncing off of each other in both the highs and the lows of the character.

Is there sort of a message that you hope their love story gives to viewers that see themselves in these characters?

Well, I think the aspects of the characters, especially for Mickey, that I’m sure a lot of people relate to, and it is sort of the greatest tragedy of the character, is how he is deeply in the closet and he feels that he can’t embrace his own self and also this beautiful love because of this situation that he’s in; a traumatic home life, specifically an abusive father, and also an environment that doesn’t allow him to be what he wants to be. I guess the message that I do hope that people who are relating to that get is that there are places where you can be accepted and there are better options for you, and sometimes that takes time, but as cliched as it is, it does get better. So hopefully people are able to find these safe environments for themselves to be able to improve the quality of life and to get better situations. I hope that people find hope in the story ultimately.

Another relationship of Ian’s that I have to discuss is his relationship with the whole Gallagher family; that was a focus of the series since day one. What was your favorite part of their dynamic and playing off that?

Obviously, the chaos of the family is always really fun to play. We had these scenes that were kind of an amazing balancing act of like 8 or 9 people in a scene, all messing around with these different storylines that are bouncing off of each other, intertwining, and you have this really biting sharp satirical dialogue that all had a very specific rhythm to it and was a sort of flow that was established early in the show that was kind of kept across the entire series; one that was a genuine joy as a performer to play. But I think that specifically the relationship that I’ve always been a fan of and I love from the start, is probably– it’s definitely one of my favorite relationships on the show– was the relationship between Ian and Lip.

There’s not a lot of depictions of brotherhood and intimacy between men that are deeply sensitive, close, and uncomplicated. Those are definitely scenes that I felt very personally moved by, of two brothers who have just had a world of shit, a lot of complicated and messed up things that have been dropped on their heads that they’ve been dealing with for the entirety of their lives, but they’ve sort of made a pact that they were just gonna be there for each other no matter what. If they weren’t there for each other, who knows if they would have survived. I think that there’s something really amazing about those scenes in that they’re just very open with each other, and that’s something that’s established right from the start and was kind of one of those key relationships for the show that survived until the very last episode and that I’m very proud of, cause I do think that those are some of my personal favorite scenes of the show.

Here’s a fun three-part question: most challenging, fun, and insane storyline for you as an actor?

Most challenging would probably have to be… we reached a point in the series around season 8 and they were trying to contextualize the characters in a modern way, put them into new circumstances, but try to retain what the characters were, but they’ve moved a lot from where they originally were. We were at a point where we were getting so many new writers onto the series, and the show I feel struggled for a second, which happens with any series that’s been on for a while. It felt like there was a point where they didn’t know what they wanted to do with Ian. There were a couple of episodes where I was kind of looking at the story and being like, “What are we doing here? It doesn’t really feel like anything is happening with him and we’re kind of floating across these relationships.” I wasn’t sure what we were trying to say, but that being said, that is kind of true to life, to a certain degree, where we do find ourselves sometimes in these ruts where we don’t know what we’re doing with our relationships, our lives, and ourselves. There is a little bit of a struggle there and that is kind of real to a certain degree, and I do think having those episodes make when they started finding the way with the character and relationships again, kind of more satisfying cause he sort of loses his way and he comes back. So it was kind of a challenge, but I think it all worked out ultimately.

Craziest would have to be… so this is one that no one would even know is like a thing really, no one would even think of it as a thing, but the scene in the pilot episode, Lip and Ian jump out of like a window and they run out of a house to escape an angry parent, right? And they’re kind of running in a rush. So they run out in their socks, down the street, and it’s the middle of January in Chicago and the streets are covered in mud, water, and ice. I think it’s the first time I’ve ever felt in my life that I actually thought my feet were going to like fall off. I thought we were going to have to amputate a toe because of frostbite. We did the scene a bunch of times, and because Jeremy and I were young, we were just sort of trying to be tough, just like, “Yeah, whatever, it’s not a problem. We can do this over and over, not a big deal.” Then I definitely learned a lesson of like, when something is a problem, you have to say, it’s a problem.

Most fun… I don’t know if I can distill it to just one scene. I think the most fun was just getting to interact with all of the wildly different personalities of our show, and just kind of get to sit around and hang out with everyone. There were times that we would just be laughing so hard that one of us would start and we just end up crying, laughing. Usually, it was because of Howey cracking jokes or something like that, but it could be just the dumbest to smallest thing, but it’s the kind of thing when you become so comfortable with people, it just starts to happen. Sometimes it was just the downtime and these little small kind of boring or mundane moments that really ended up being some of my favorite experiences.

Did you take anything from the set at all?

I did. So in the final season, there’s a storyline where Frank steals Nighthawks, the Edward Hopper painting, and that was actually done in cooperation with the Art Institute of Chicago and the Edward Hopper estate. They did these really high-resolution prints of it that were then painted over by hand, and they even took pictures of the back and mimicked the way that the canvas wrapped over, the small writing, and everything. It’s a pretty damn good forgery of Nighthawks. So I stole one of those and that’s hanging up in my living room. I also stole one of the mugs cause in the show we’re always having breakfast and drinking coffee, so there are these rooster mugs and I stole one of those.

Since you’re talking to The Nerds of Color, I have to ask you about Star Wars and Gotham. What stood out to you about Star Wars Jedi: Fallen Order compared to your other work, and what did it mean to you to join that iconic universe?

I mean, what stood out pretty quickly was that it had a tone all of its own. Star Wars is a very specific tone. It has sort of its own language, pacing, style, and rhythm; there’s something very specific about it, something that I’m a big fan of. I grew up watching the Star Wars movies and that was definitely… you know, anytime that you’re jumping onto something with an active and passionate fanbase it’s going to be slightly intimidating. There’s no way around that. Thankfully, I’ve at this point done enough projects with really passionate fanbases to kind of understand what that entails, which is that there’s going to be a lot of opinions. A lot of people are really excited about things and no matter what, even the smallest things, someone’s going to be very, very angry about it. That comes along with the territory, but that’s kind of fun to a certain degree; it’s fun to hear such minutiae and being examined, and these conversations are ones that are being had on set too.

There’s so much conversation between the Lucasfilm story group, Respawn, and EA, who are the production companies behind the game, and also the cast, directors, and everybody involved are sometimes discussing, “How does a person stand? How does one get onto a speeder bike? What kind of sound does this monster make?” And there’s always a genuine deference and respect to the series. We know how much people care about it. We know because we care about it a lot, and everyone on this project are huge fans of the source material. So that was exciting to be a part of, obviously; I mean, that should go without saying. It’s so freaking cool to be a Jedi and to be the face of this massive franchise, and to be able to not only be a part of a really well-known property and part of this large project but also to be able to tell an interesting and intimate story within it. For as bombastic as all of the action is, and as big as the Star Wars universe is, I feel the story of Cal Kestis and the people that he interacts with is a somewhat smaller one and a more intimate one. It’s ultimately, at least for me, a pretty emotionally resonant one and a story that I actually very much care about and relate to. I think that was probably the most exciting part about it, was being able to within the framework of this big machinery of what Star Wars is, still tell a story that might actually affect people and make them feel things, I think was just really cool.

Could you describe how it felt to take on the role of the Joker?

Exciting, intimidating, an honor, and challenging; it’s a role that I didn’t take lightly. I understood what it was, which is that a lot of the people who were seeing me in the role had never heard of me and didn’t know who I was, and it was a way to prove myself and to show off my take of what I could do with this. It was really cool too with that show that we were getting to do something that had never really been done before with the character, which is to show multiple versions and possibilities of what that character could be, and to kind of tip our hat to some of the famous stories that came before, and then kind of give a unique spin and show off some new things with it as well.

Obviously, that show was heightened to a certain degree and kind of existed in this wacky over-the-top violent, but also slightly cartoony universe that was kind of its own little thing. That was really fun to play around with it and to totally get to do something kind of different with that, something that we hadn’t seen before. But I think it was specifically really intimidating because, at that point of casting when I performed the episode in the first season of that show, no one had played the role since Heath Ledger had posthumously won the Oscar for the role. So the only people who had touched it in live-action had been Jack Nicholson and Heath Ledger, which are just massive, massive shoes to fill and two people that I deeply admired. Again, it’s just sort of a case of respect and wanting to kind of come in, just do my absolute best with the material, and to try to pay a certain level of honor to the people that came before.

Anything you can tease about what you’re going to do next? Any future projects?

Absolutely. It’s always difficult with this stuff because there’s only so much you can say. I can say that I just shot a film that hasn’t been announced yet, but I was out of town shooting it for a while. It’s the starring role in the film, and that will come out to theaters in the near future. I’m also working on another project over the course of the next year that I will be working on and off for. Again, thanks to the joys of NDAs, I can’t actually say what it is. I have a movie that I will be doing in June and then also I’m starting to move a bit behind the camera as well. So I’m working on producing and starring in a feature in August or September. And I’m writing a couple of projects right now as well. So it’s a loaded year for the next year, but it’s all very exciting that’s happening.

#LOVED THIS #cameron monaghan #shameless #shameless us #ian gallagher #gallavich #noel fisher #mickey milkovich #jerome valeska #the joker #gotham #jeremiah valeska #mr j #cal kestis #jedi fallen order #star wars

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captainsamwilsonbarnes · 3 years ago

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I’ll Make This Feel Like Home

I’ve been sitting on this WIP for a while, so I finally decided to finish and post it! It’s just pure self-induglent Sambucky domestic fluff, but my heart really needed it after watching those scenes of them together in Louisiana. 😍😍😍

~*~

Sam x Bucky (4.8K of pure fluff, rated T.) No applicable warnings other than TFATWS spoilers for anyone who hasn’t watched the series yet.

"That," Bucky says as he pushes back from the table and pats his stomach, "was the best goddamn meal I've ever had. Seriously, like ever. You really outdid yourself," he tells Sarah, who gives him a shy smile in return.

"Thank you, Bucky," Sarah beams, her smile growing even wider as she reaches out to pat his shoulder. "I like this one," she tells Sam. "He's a keeper."

"Yeah, he sure is," Sam grins. "I thought about returning him a couple of times, but he kinda grew on me," he winks while slipping his hand under the table and squeezing Bucky's knee.

That causes a very attractive blush to spread across Bucky's face, and Sam can't help thinking about all of the ways he could make that happen again.

Bucky gives Sam a private smile and says, "I guess you're stuck with me."

"I can live with that," Sam happily agrees.

"Will you be staying long?" Sarah asks Bucky as she stands up and starts collecting their empty plates. "Not that I'm kicking you out, I promise. We have plenty of room, and you're more than welcome to stay as long as you like."

Or forever, Sam thinks, but he keeps that to himself.

This thing with Bucky, these fond looks and lingering touches, that's not exactly new territory for them.

It's just been a while, and Sam's a little unsure of the protocol here when they've only spent a handful of days together after nearly a month of radio silence.

That wasn't Sam's choice, but Bucky was furious when Sam mentioned that he was going to turn in the shield. Sam hadn't even done it yet, but it still led to an ugly argument which ended with Bucky refusing to answer Sam's texts or phone calls after that. Things only got worse from there when the government gave the shield to Walker, but Sam didn't feel like he had much of a choice in the matter.

Sam's no fool, he knew the government wouldn't allow him to become the next Captain America. It had been a sweet gesture on Steve's part, but it left Sam with more questions than he had answers for.

After they returned from the blip, Sam ended up living in Wakanda with Bucky for a while since his previous apartment in D.C. was long gone. It was a hard truth to accept, but a lot had changed in five years. Sam knew he could go back to Delacroix and live with Sarah and the boys, but he wasn't quite ready for that yet.

Not that he didn't miss them dearly, but he wanted to take some time to adjust to this new normal before moving back home. It was a lot to process at the time, and Sam definitely didn't want to give Sarah any more reasons to worry about him.

Naturally, Shuri and T'Challa happily opened their hearts and home to him when Bucky explained Sam's situation. They were extremely gracious about it and assured Sam that he was welcome to stay as long as he wanted.

That only ended up being a few months, but it allowed Sarah to prepare for Sam's return, and for Sam to be in a much better mental state.

Truth be told, Sam's not quite sure he could have recovered as quickly as he did if it weren't for Bucky.

Bucky, who hadn't even hesitated to ask Shuri and T'Challa if Sam could stay in Wakanda with them.

Bucky, who had been nothing but sweet and charming to him the entire time Sam was there.

Bucky, who always held and comforted Sam when he needed it.

Bucky, who never judged or pitied Sam when he cried.

Bucky, who always dried Sam's tears with a gentle touch.

Bucky, who understood that anger was a perfectly valid emotion, given everything they'd been through.

Bucky, who was typically a man of few words, but happily talked Sam's ear off whenever Sam needed a distraction from his thoughts.

Bucky, who has been through his own share of personal horrors, but always put Sam's comfort and well-being before his own.

Bucky, who quickly became one of Sam's very best friends and completely stole his heart.

Their nights together in Wakanda were Sam's favorite because they would often lie on a blanket under the stars, just the two of them. They told each other things they never shared with anyone else, not even Steve, and Sam really enjoyed getting to know the real Bucky.

Their interactions always remained platonic, but Sam would be lying if he said he didn't want more. He often wondered if Bucky did too, but Sam ended up leaving before he had a chance to find out.

Back in the present, Bucky shakes his head in response to Sarah's question as he gives Sam a wistful smile.

"Nah, I wish. I've got some things to take care of back in Brooklyn, so I'm leaving tomorrow, actually. But," he adds hopefully, "I would love to come back for another visit sometime. If that's okay."

"Absolutely," Sarah nods. "You're always welcome here anytime, so don't be a stranger," she says as she leans down and kisses Bucky's cheek.

"Watch yourself, baby sister," Sam glares as he swats at her with a dish towel.

"Do that again Samuel, and I'm throwing out the rest of the beignets," Sarah threatens.

"Okay, truce," Sam relents as he holds up his hands in mock surrender. Sarah's beignets are his favorite, and he doesn't doubt that she would throw them away just to spite him.

"I better have another one, just in case he decides to stick his foot in his mouth again," Bucky tells Sarah as he reaches for the plate of leftovers.

"Oh, you think you're cute, huh?" Sam smirks as he snaps the dish towel in Bucky's direction this time.

"Not as cute as you, Samuel," Bucky drawls just before taking a bite of the fluffy pastry.

Sam's entire face flushes hotly as he looks up and meets Bucky's eyes.

Is he…flirting?

It's been a while since anyone has flirted with him, so Sam is a bit out of practice. Still, there's a mischievous twinkle in Bucky's eyes that Sam hasn't seen in months. The warmth suddenly spreads from his cheeks straight down to places that he doesn't want to think about with his little sister in the room.

"Well, at least we agree on something," Sam jokes as he plucks the half-eaten beignet out of Bucky's hand and pops it into his mouth. It's a weak reply, but it's all his brain could come up with after being caught off guard like that.

Bucky isn't even fazed, he just reaches for another beignet and eats it in two bites. "God, these are amazing," he moans.

It's pure torture for Sam, watching helplessly as Bucky licks the powdered sugar from his lips.

"Thank you," Sarah says as she places a sealed paper bag in front of Bucky. "These are for you to take home with you. They won't be quite as good as they are when they're fresh, but just heat them up in the oven for about five minutes and they'll be pretty close."

"Marry me," Bucky says dramatically as he reaches for both of Sarah's hands. "Make an honest man out of me, Sarah Wilson."

"You're sweet," Sarah giggles as she pulls her hands back and dusts them off, "but I don't feel like being turned into fish food."

"Empty threats," Bucky waves dismissively in Sam's direction. "He'll eventually learn to accept our love."

Sam almost chokes on his beer at Bucky's words. He knows it's all a joke and he's pretty sure (okay, somewhat sure) that Bucky isn't actually interested in his sister, but it still leaves a very unsettling feeling in his stomach.

Especially because Bucky can really lay on the charm when he wants to.

"I'm going to miss you," Sarah tells Bucky as she holds out her arms and wraps him up in a hug.

No, Sam is absolutely not jealous about that. He's just going to drink the rest of his beer and pretend like he doesn't want to pry them apart. (He is secretly thrilled that they get along so well, but he can obviously never let them know that. It would give them too much power.)

"I'll miss you too, sweetheart," Bucky says as he lifts Sarah right off of her feet and swings her around. "I promise I'll be back, though."

"I'm holding you to that," Sarah tells him while poking Bucky's chest.

"Please do," Bucky laughs as he sets her back down.

"Okay gentlemen," Sarah says as she continues stacking plates next to the sink, "any chance you guys might take care of the dishes so I can pry the boys away from their video game and tuck them in?"

"Of course," Bucky nods while reaching out and offering Sam a hand. "You wash, I'll dry?"

"Deal," Sam grins as he lets Bucky help him to his feet. Not that Sam needs it, but he loves that Bucky is so delightfully chivalrous.

"Don't let him trick you into doing all the work," Sarah warns Bucky as she pulls him into another hug. "And you better come down and say goodbye before you leave tomorrow."

"Yes ma'am," Bucky says as he gives Sarah one last squeeze. "Thanks again for dinner, and just for everything, really."

"Thanks for always keeping my brother safe," Sarah smiles at them both as she exits the kitchen.

"Your family is amazing," Bucky tells Sam once they're alone. "Cass and AJ are the sweetest kids, and I'm really going to miss this place."

"Don't miss it for too long then," Sam says as he claps a hand on Bucky's shoulder. "I know you have stuff to sort out in Brooklyn, but you can always come back here afterward. Maybe stay a while and make a proper vacation of it," he suggests.

"I thought we were going to take separate vacations?" Bucky teases.

"I've got Carlos and his fillet knife on speed dial, just so you know," Sam jokes as he grabs two more beers from the fridge and hands one to Bucky.

"I'm kidding," Bucky says as he accepts the bottle. Their fingers connect briefly, and Sam wishes they could live in this moment forever. No threats on their lives, no drama, just each other.

"Well I'm serious about you coming back. You up for it?" Sam asks.

"Definitely," Bucky nods before taking a sip from his beer. "Just let me tie up some loose ends in Brooklyn, then I'm all yours," he winks.

It's a common phrase, Sam realizes, but it still causes a sudden warmth to bloom in his chest.

I'm all yours.

Yeah, he could get used to that.

"Works for me," Sam says as he sets his beer down and turns his attention to the sink.

Bucky's words keep replaying in his head like a broken record: I'm all yours…I'm all yours...I'm all yours… so Sam has to occupy his hands before he does something reckless.

"Here, let me help," Bucky offers as he grabs a clean dish towel and joins Sam by the sink.

Bucky's 'help' turns out to be nothing but a distraction since he's pressed up against Sam's side, warm and solid. Sam's not really sure when Bucky started wearing cologne, but the one he's got on right now smells familiar. It's probably one of his own, Sam distantly realizes, since they both showered just before dinner.

Bucky hadn't brought much with him besides a single change of clothing, so he likely hadn't packed many toiletries.

"Are you wearing my cologne?" Sam asks out of curiosity, not that he minds in the least. Bucky usually just smells like fabric softener, which always makes Sam want to hold him close and breathe him in.

"Yeah," Bucky admits, "I hope you don't mind. I didn't bring any, so I just wanted to smell nice."

"You do," Sam says as he nudges Bucky's shoulder. What he doesn't dare mention is the fact that Bucky smells exactly like he probably would if he woke up in Sam's arms, with their combined scents mingling together. "You look nice, too," he adds in what he hopes is an appreciative tone.

Since Bucky neglected to pack anything to sleep in, he's wearing one of Sam's favorite T-shirts and a pair of his sweatpants. The shirt is a bit snug, but it clings to him in all the right places.

"Thanks," Bucky blushes as Sam hands him some plates to dry.

"You're welcome," Sam says while trying his best not to think about how much better that shirt would look on his bedroom floor.

"Do you think Sarah would share her beignet recipe with me?" Bucky asks a moment later.

"Doubtful," Sam snickers. "She's definitely taking that one to the grave with her. Hell, I don't even know it," he confesses.

"Oh," Bucky frowns. "Well, maybe she can still teach me how to make 'em even if we use a different recipe," he muses. "They're so goddamn addictive."

Shaking his head, Sam says, "they'll never be the same. You need water from the bayou to make them just right."

"Bullshit," Bucky scoffs as he gives Sam a playful shove.

"Hey, don't mock the process," Sam laughs, "but I can teach you if you really want to learn."

"Cool," Bucky grins. "I did a lot of cooking when I was in the Army. I wasn't half bad at it, actually."

"I can see that about you," Sam nods. "Especially living in Brooklyn. I bet you'll turn into one of those foodie snobs in no time."

"Nah," Bucky shakes his head, "I've never been too picky when it comes to food. My ma always taught me to eat whatever was put in front of me, so I doubt I'll ever become a snob about it."

"Sounds like she raised you right, then," Sam smiles.

"Guess so," Bucky agrees as he ducks his head shyly.

They work in companionable silence for the next few minutes, with Sam washing the dishes and then handing them over for Bucky to dry. The kitchen has a nice, wide sink, but no luxuries such as a dishwasher. That's fine with Sam, though. He's glad Sarah chose to preserve the original architecture, rather than overload the house with too many modern fixtures.

"Are there any more dishes left?" Sam asks a little while later as he's rinsing off some forks.

"Nope," Bucky says as he reaches around Sam and shuts off the tap. "All done," he adds in a low voice as he anchors his hands on Sam's hips and presses himself close.

It's so unexpected that it shocks Sam into dropping the forks back into the sink.

"Shit," he curses as soapy water splashes the front of his T-shirt.

"Sorry," Bucky laughs, clearly aware of the effect he's having on Sam.

"No you're not," Sam fires back because Bucky knows exactly what he's doing.

"No, I'm really not," Bucky purrs as he tucks his face into the curve of Sam's neck.

Sam had forgotten how sexy the scrape of stubble could feel. Sweet Jesus.

"Are you nuzzling me?" Sam tries to play it cool, but his voice betrays him by cracking slightly.

"Mmmhmm," Bucky confirms as he rests his chin on Sam's shoulder. "Just let me know if this makes you uncomfortable, and I promise I'll stop."

"Okay," Sam says a bit shakily, "did you accidentally eat some catnip?" Friendly touches are pretty common between them now, but there's absolutely nothing platonic about the way Bucky's got him pressed up against the counter.

Bucky chuckles at that while slipping his hands under Sam's shirt and trailing them over the smooth skin just above Sam's waistband. "I'm fine, Sam."

"Well something's up," Sam insists, but he doesn't pull away.

"Not yet," Bucky leers as he gives Sam's hips a squeeze. "But maybe if you play your cards right."

"Buck," Sam freezes, because that is entirely possible to misinterpret, "are you flirting with me?"

"Well, if you have to ask, then I'm obviously doing it wrong," Bucky laughs again. "I was a lot smoother back in the forties, I swear."

"You're doing fine," Sam praises as he melts into Bucky's touch. "You just caught me off guard, that's all."

"I'm full of surprises, sweetheart," Bucky whispers as he grazes his lips against Sam's neck.

Sam can't help shivering at the touch, because Bucky's lips are a warm contrast to the crisp evening breeze filtering through the open windows. The sweet scent of gardenias fills the air as Sam tries to calm his racing heart.

It's just Bucky, he thinks, which would have completely unnerved him once upon a time. Now it's a familiar comfort, like his favorite sweater, or the melodic sound of his nephews' laughter. Still, he can't seem to contain the flutter in his chest because he knows they're crossing a line that they've been cautiously avoiding for years.

"I like surprises," Sam says as he turns around and grips Bucky by the front of the T-shirt. The fabric is soft, and he can feel the heat from Bucky's skin seeping through it.

"I like you," Bucky counters as he cradles Sam's jaw with one hand. With the other, he hooks his fingers into Sam's belt loops and hauls him closer.

"I like you too," Sam admits as he drops his hands down and settles them on Bucky's waist.

"Glad we're on the same page," Bucky grins as he sweeps his thumb over Sam's cheek. "Would it be terribly old-fashioned of me to ask for permission to kiss you?"

"Yes," Sam says, eyes sparkling with delight, "but I sure hope that's not gonna stop you."

"Consider this my formal request, then," Bucky winks as he tilts Sam's face up.

"Permission granted, Sergeant," Sam murmurs just before Bucky kisses him. It's a slow, sweet drag of their lips at first, then Bucky carefully changes the angle as he cups the back of Sam's neck and deepens the kiss.

Sam lets out a whimper as he reaches up to run his fingers through Bucky's hair. It's the shortest it's ever been since Sam has known him, but he loves it like this. Bucky barely looks older than he did in the forties, and he's still every bit as handsome.

"Finally," Bucky pants shakily against Sam's mouth. "God, I've been wanting to do that for so long."

"Me too, baby," Sam replies as he wraps his arms around Bucky's neck.

"Well then, I guess we'll just have to make up for lost time," Bucky suggests as he leans in for another kiss. It's every bit as sweet as the first one but slightly less gentle as he pins Sam to the counter and rocks their hips together.

"Fuck," Sam groans as he pulls back suddenly and rubs Bucky's cheek. He can hear the TV upstairs so he knows that someone is still awake. Probably Sarah, but it could easily be the boys since it's not even that late. "As much as I really want to take this further, we can't right now. Not until we're sure that everyone's asleep."

"Sweetheart," Bucky says as he slides forward and nudges their noses together. "You don't owe me any explanations. This is your house and I would never want to make anything weird for you and your family. Especially for you, Sam."

"I know," Sam nods, "and I really appreciate that. I just wish we had some privacy, that's all."

"We will," Bucky smiles while adding, "they've gotta fall asleep sometime, right?"

"Right," Sam laughs as he kisses Bucky softly. "You're amazing, you know that? Just in case I don't tell you enough."

"Wait, does that mean I'm not as annoying as you like to pretend I am?" Bucky teases.

"No," Sam grins brightly, "you're definitely still annoying."

Bucky rolls his eyes fondly as he reaches for Sam's hand and steers him into the living room. "Well you're no picnic either, baby doll," he says finally as he drops down onto the couch and pulls Sam into his arms.

"Must be why we're perfect for each other, huh?" Sam winks as he settles onto Bucky's lap and kisses him again.

"Must be," Bucky agrees as he wraps his arms around Sam's neck and kisses him back.

"So, there's something I wanted to talk to you about," Bucky tells Sam a while later when they're curled up on the couch watching TV.

"What is it?" Sam asks as he sits up and turns to face Bucky. "Is everything okay?"

"Yeah, everything's fine," Bucky replies. "But I kinda broke the lease on my apartment, so that's why I'm heading back to Brooklyn. There's not much left in it, honestly, but I have to pick up the rest of my stuff and then just turn in my keys. I could use some company though if you wanna come with me?"

"Of course, baby," Sam says as he reaches out and squeezes Bucky's knee. "Oh shit, I should probably check for a last-minute flight, though."

"No need," Bucky tells him. "I, uh, kinda hoped you'd say yes, so I already got you a ticket."

"And what if I said no?" Sam challenges.

"Oh," Bucky frowns, "then guess I'd just go alone and miss you the whole time."

"Who knew you were such a drama queen?" Sam smirks while leaning in to kiss Bucky's pout away. "I'm kidding, baby; I'd love to go with you. But wait, where are you moving to then?"

"Well," Bucky blushes, "that's what I wanted to talk to you about. I used to love living in New York, but it's changed a lot since I was a kid. It's too damn loud, for one," he laughs. "That, or maybe I'm just not cut out for big city life anymore."

"So, you're leaving the city," Sam says, but it's not a question. He tried to talk Bucky out of moving there in the first place, but he figured it must have been a comfort thing. It's the only place Bucky has ever lived, so it made sense that he'd end up there, at least for a little while.

"Yeah," Bucky nods. "It's just not home to me anymore. I mean, I guess it hasn't been for the last eighty years, so I think it's time to move on."

"So where did you have in mind?" Sam asks. He doesn't want to assume anything, but he suddenly feels pretty hopeful about what Bucky may be getting at.

"Here," Bucky says while brushing his lips against Sam's. "You're home to me, so I just wanna be wherever you are, baby. I already looked up some apartment listings earlier and I found a few that looked promising. I mean, if you're cool with all of this. I don't want to make you feel pressured, or make things weird, or - "

Sam cuts him off with a kiss so intense that it leaves them both completely breathless.

"Bucky," Sam pants a moment later. "Are you kidding me? You know I hated the idea of you living all alone in Brooklyn, and I hope you know that I always want you around me."

"Always?" Bucky blushes as he shifts closer and rubs his nose against Sam's.

"Always," Sam repeats as he tilts his head and kisses Bucky again. "You're not gonna need that apartment, though."

"I won't?" Bucky says while giving Sam a teasing grin. "How come?"

"Well," Sam explains as he hauls Bucky off of the couch and leads him over to the window. From there, they have a perfect view of the backyard which is bathed in the soft glow of moonlight. "I was actually thinking about building a place for us. We own this land and there's plenty of extra room," he adds while gesturing out the window. "So I was thinking we could build an extension for ourselves, sort of like a guest house. That way, we'll have our privacy, but we can still be near Sarah and the boys. What do you think?"

"I think that sounds like a goddamn amazing plan to me," Bucky says as he turns to wrap his arms around Sam and pull him close. "I haven't known your family for even a whole day yet but I already love them almost as much as I love you," he smiles before leaning in for another kiss.

"Whoa," Sam gasps. "You love me?"

"So much," Bucky nods. "I know it's probably way too soon to say it, but - "

"No, it isn't," Sam disagrees as he gently trails his fingertips over the scruff on Bucky's jaw, "not if you really mean it."

"I've honestly never meant anything more," Bucky murmurs as he steals another kiss. This one is just a quick peck, but Sam still feels it all the way down to his toes.

"Bucky, I - "

"I don't expect you to say it back," Bucky quickly interjects before Sam can even get a word in. "I just wanted you to know how much you mean to me, sweetheart. I know I'm not good with words, and okay, most of the time I'm just not good at expressing myself in general, but - "

"Bucky," Sam tries a little more firmly this time as he rubs the back of Bucky's neck. "I love you too. I've known it since Wakanda for sure, but probably even before that, honestly. You may be a pain in my ass sometimes, but you're the only one I trust with my heart," he finishes as he tugs Bucky forward and kisses him deeply.

"Holy shit," Bucky says as he pulls back and gives Sam a hopeful look. "You love me? Like really?"

"Really," Sam nods as he reaches for Bucky's hand and drags him back over to the couch. "I know it's been a while since we've talked about it," he continues once they get settled, "but I honestly don't know where I'd even be right now if it weren't for you. I was really struggling to accept how much life had changed after the blip, but you," Sam pauses as he turns toward Bucky and scoots closer, "you were my knight in shining armor. Literally," he emphasizes as he reaches for Bucky's vibranium hand and squeezes it. "Thank you, baby. That really meant a lot to me, just in case I don't say it enough."

"Sweetheart, you of all people have nothing to thank me for," Bucky says. "You deserve the world, Sam Wilson, he whispers as he takes hold of Sam's jaw and kisses him again.

"Thank you," Sam pants between kisses. "It's not a competition, but you know you deserve nice things too, right?"

Bucky smiles softly as he leans back and grips Sam by the shoulders. "Baby, I've already got everything I could ever possibly need or want right here."

The with you part goes unspoken, but Sam hears it anyway.

"I love you," Bucky continues as he gives Sam's shoulders a reassuring squeeze. "When I escaped from HYDRA, I never dreamed that I could be happy again, or that I'd fall in love and have a shot at a normal life. Not that anything about our lives is exactly normal," he laughs.

"No, definitely not," Sam agrees, "but we make it work."

"We sure do, sugar," Bucky says as he drops a kiss on Sam's shoulder.

"So how about it?" Sam asks as he reaches for Bucky's hand and laces their fingers together. "Do you think you could be happy here in Delacroix?"

"I don't care where we live," Bucky says as he slides onto Sam's lap. "Here, New York, Wakanda, fucking Mars, even. Delacroix is amazing, but honestly, I'll be happy wherever we are as long as you're there with me," he finishes as he tilts Sam's face up for a kiss.

"You know we don't have any of those fancy sushi joints here, right? Or those hipster coffee shops that you love so much," Sam teases.

"That's okay," Bucky grins as he presses a trail of kisses up Sam's neck. "I make damn good coffee actually, and I happen to know of a fantastic place to get seafood. The owners are a little grumpy, but you learn to love 'em."

"Is that so?" Sam pretends to glare as he pokes Bucky in the ribs.

"Yes it is," Bucky huffs while trying to squirm out of Sam's grasp. "And I think the one with the hot ass might have a crush on me."

"You better be talking about me," Sam smirks as he shoves Bucky backward and crawls on top of him.

"Only you, my love," Bucky says seriously as he wraps his arms around Sam's neck.

"Good answer," Sam winks as he bends down and kisses Bucky slowly. "I love you," he adds when he pulls back and rests their foreheads together.

Bucky smiles at that, sweet and soft and so ridiculously fond as he leans in and nuzzles Sam's cheek.

"I love you more."

~*~

#Sambucky #Winterfalcon #my writing #they make me so happy #especially Bucky taking care of Sam #my baby deserves the world #😍😍😍😍😍#please ignore any glaring mistakes #I think I edited this so much that my eyes were starting to cross #yes I absolutely used a 1D lyric for the title #because that's my other main fandom #and their lyrics make amazing fic titles

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heliads · 4 years ago

Text

Still Into You

Based on the request “Luke x reader based on the song Still Into You by Paramore?”

masterlist

Luke is leaning up against the wall, legs stretched out idly in front of him. His girlfriend is curled up on the bed next to him, lips pursed in thought as she considers the lines of music in front of her. They have the same habit of writing songs in worn and torn notebooks, of writing over and tearing out pages until the books themselves are reduced to nothing then reanimated with the sheer frenzy of their music. Luke likes that they have this shared trait, like it’s a sign that they were meant to be together ever since the start.

Y/N feels Luke’s eyes resting on her and looks up, blushing slightly. “I’m not very interesting company, am I? Sorry about that.” Luke just grins. “Don’t worry about it. You writing songs makes me think about songs, and that’s one of my favorite things to do.” Y/N smiles at that, leaning up to kiss him gently on the cheek before settling down again in front of her notebook. She squints at a line, then rubs it away with her eraser.

Luke glances down at the lines of music, but his head’s at an angle and he can’t read a single note. “What’s the song about?” Y/N flashes him a teasing grin. “It’s a surprise. You’ll find out soon enough.” She considers the main melody, adding a few notes as she goes. “I’m not quite sure if it’s happy or sad, not yet. It’s fast, and it’s fun to sing, but that’s all I’ve got right now.” Luke nods, leaning his head back against the wall and letting the faint sounds of scratching pencils and Y/N’s occasional humming take him back to the time he first met her.

Y/N was Julie’s friend, and had been her best friend long before Luke showed up. Luke smiles in spite of himself, remembering the first time he had caught a glimpse of the girl. Julie had been talking with Y/N in her room, and Luke had made a point of walking by so that Julie would be forced to introduce him. From the second Y/N had locked eyes with him, Luke knew he was head over heels for her. Even the way she said her name sounded like a melody, a pure and beautiful sound that Luke couldn’t write even if he tried for the rest of his life (or death).

Every moment spent with her was better than the last, every inside joke and casual conversation inspired him. It hadn’t taken Luke long to realize he loved her, and an even shorter time to ask her out. Luke laughs inwardly, remembering how nervous he’d been to first ask Y/N on a date. If ghosts had heartbeats, Luke’s would have been pounding so loud the entire town could have heard it. Luckily, she had said yes, and the rest was history.

There had been hard times, sure, but the good easily made up for the bad. When the business with Caleb and his club had finally come to an end, with Luke, Alex, and Reggie being able to finally touch people, Luke had practically sprinted over to Y/N’s house. She had looked up at him through tear-glazed eyes, having thought him dead, but her gaze quickly changed to happy shock when he had gathered her up in his arms, picking her up and turning in a lazy circle.

Then there were late nights with the two of them cuddled up close together, and early mornings with kisses pressed to cheeks, and date afternoons with hands entwined for all the world could see. If, you know, they could see Luke at all. It didn’t matter, though. Not with her. Not for anything as long as Luke had Y/N.

Luke is snapped back to reality when Y/N gently shuts her notebook cover, yawning. “It’s getting late. I think I’m going to go to bed.” Luke glances out the window, surprised to see that night had fallen and the stars were already shining through the dim patches of cloud. Luke stands up, stretching, then leans back down to kiss Y/N one last time. He says his goodnights and turns to go, pausing only once to look back at the girl he loves before disappearing back to Julie’s studio.

Luke is frustrated. He’s not sure why, but his blood is practically boiling. Maybe it’s because it’s been a long, stressful week, where he’s convinced himself that things have been good for too long. Caleb wouldn’t just give up, not like this. Something’s coming. It has to be.

Then there was the problem of Luke’s obvious ghosthood. It’s amazing to perform with his friends as a guitarist of Julie and the Phantoms. To play music again, in front of a crowd that can see him and cheer along as if he were just another lifer? It means everything to him. But for every stellar performance, there’s always that one moment when it ends. When the last chord is played and the drumbeats fade away to silence, when Luke finally disappears to the crowd. It just feels like a constant thorn in his side, a reminder that no matter how hard Luke works he will always just be a ghost, unnoticed by anyone except the rare exceptions.

Luke can’t stand to go inside the studio, at least not yet. He doesn’t want to be stuck inside again, in those same four walls with the same few people. So he heads out down the streets, walking casually down the sidewalk as if he were just another ordinary teenager heading home from school. He’s so lost in his surroundings that he almost doesn’t hear someone calling his name, and even then, it takes the person’s running footsteps that stop just behind him to convince Luke that they’re not just calling out to someone else on the street.

When Luke turns around, his frown turns into a smile when he realizes it’s Y/N. She looks amazing today, eyes shining with the bright light of the afternoon sun. She beams at him. “Look who’s out and about! I didn’t expect to see you here.” Luke chuckles, scratching the back of his head absentmindedly. “I figured it would be nice to get out of that studio every once in a while.” Y/N nods, then her happy gaze turns into one of slight guilt, as if she’d just realized something.

“Actually, about that. You remember how we had that date planned in a few days?” Luke nods. He’d been really looking forward to that. The two of them had decided to visit the boardwalk again, and stroll up and down while taking in the wind and the waves and all of the shops that dotted the faded horizon. Y/N winces. “Something came up unexpectedly, and I think I’m going to need a rain check. This honor society at school just announced that they’re meeting at that time, and I can’t skip it. I’m really sorry.”

This should just be a normal occurrence, something that Luke can brush off with a smile and an understanding nod. Yet for some reason, he feels his previous anger start to bubble up again inside of him. “Really? At that exact time?” Y/N nods, looking to all the world like a girl utterly distraught at the news. “It was supposed to be later, but they changed it. I didn’t have a say in it, but I can’t miss the meeting.”

Luke frowns. “But we agreed on that date. I mean, we’ve been talking about it for a while now.” Y/N glances back at him, evidently surprised at his tone. “I don’t have a choice about this, Luke. I can’t change the meeting.” Luke looks back at her. “And what, we can definitely change this?” Y/N raises her eyebrows. “I thought so, yes. It would be super easy to just move it to be the next day.”

Luke shakes his head. “Can’t do it then. I’m spending time with Alex and Reggie.” Y/N furrows her brow. “You spend time with them literally every day. Can we not have our date then?” Luke stops walking, suddenly exasperated. “Your meeting is important and so is this.” Y/N turns to face him. “Why are you making such a big deal out of this? I’m literally just asking if you can put off talking to your friends for a couple hours. I don’t think that’s very hard to do.”

Luke folds his arms across his chest. “Of course it wouldn’t be hard. I’m a ghost, after all. Everyone knows that ghost problems aren’t nearly as important as your problems.” Y/N looks taken aback. “That’s not what I’m saying at all! What’s up with you?” Luke stares at her pointedly. “I don’t know. Maybe I’m just tired of feeling unimportant.” Y/N holds up her hands in front of her. “I never said you were unimportant. I’m just confused as to why you think me not being able to make it to one date is equal to an entire argument.”

Luke feels himself getting irritated, and tries to put on a calm face, but all hopes of salvaging this are out the window. “Well, we wouldn’t want you to get too upset about this. How about we just cancel the date? All future ones too, for that matter. It would be too bad if I interfered with your schedule.” Y/N looks horrified, but Luke’s already poofed away, leaving her standing alone and in shock on the sidewalk.

It’s barely been a few hours, and Luke already feels bad about everything. Did he really just say all that to Y/N. And over what, a schedule change? But if Luke knows one thing about himself, it’s that his pride is too big of a stumbling block to overcome. He can’t bring himself to go back and admit that he was wrong, even though he knows that he very much was. So he waits, and waits. A day passes, and then another, and then another. Y/N avoids him the entire time.

After a week, Luke feels crushed by guilt. He’s made a terrible mistake, and he knows it. Why did he have to be so rude just because he felt bad about himself? The other boys have picked up on his bad mood, and try to be extra nice to him. That just makes Luke feel even worse, like he’s upset them too.

Luke’s lying on the sofa in the studio when Julie appears in the door. She knocks twice on the door, alerting him to her presence, then walks in. She comes to a stop in front of Luke, handing him a flyer for a band performance at her school. Luke takes it, frowning. “What’s this about? You think we should do something like this?”

Julie shakes her head. “No, I think we should go. It’s for Y/N’s band. She’s performing, and we should be there to support her.” Luke sits up, looking at his friend. “Y/N doesn’t want me there. Trust me. I messed up things with her big time, and the last thing she wants is to see me in that crowd.” Julie sighs, perching next to Luke on the arm of the sofa. “I would disagree. I think this is the perfect time to get up the courage and see her again.”

Luke is more than hesitant at first, but Julie talks him into it through a combination of calm advice and emotional blackmail. What would you do without friends? So, Luke drags himself out of Julie’s studio and towards Los Feliz High School, regretting his decision the entire time. What if Y/N’s already moved on? What if she really doesn’t want to see him there, and his presence will just make things worse?

Luke wants to turn and leave a dozen times over, but Julie and the boys are there with him, forcing him to stay. Luke follows them into the crowded gymnasium, where he can see a stage is prepared and ready for the upcoming performance. Just as Luke is seconds away from talking himself out of the entire thing, the lights dim and a voice comes over the speakers, announcing Y/N’s band. So this is it- no backing out now.

Y/N and a few of her friends walk on stage, waving to a cheering audience. Y/N is the lead singer, and grabs a guitar from a stand before taking her place in front of the mic. She flashes an easy grin to the crowd, then starts playing.

Instantly, Luke recognizes the song. It’s the one she had been writing all those nights ago, when the two of them had been at her house and everything had been perfect. It’s just like she described- fast, certainly. He still can’t decide if it’s happy or sad, maybe reminiscent or hopeful, even. Then she gets to the chorus, and Luke feels himself lean forward involuntarily as Y/N grabs the mic, singing directly into it as if she were speaking to him herself.

‘Cause after all this time

I’m still into you

I should be over all the butterflies, but I’m into you, I’m into you

And baby, even on our worst nights

I’m into you, I’m into you

For the first time all night, Y/N turns to look directly at him. There’s a twisting feeling in his heart as Luke realizes exactly what the song is about. Him, and her, and everything that went wrong. It’s funny- even as the full extent of the hurt Luke has caused Y/N hits him, he still feels his heart swell with relief. She still loves him, even after all this time and all this heartbreak.

Some things, some things just make sense

And one of those is you and I

Some things, some things just make sense

And even after all this time

I’m into you

Luke’s heard Y/N sing before, in quiet rooms and empty streets. He’s seen her on stage too, felt goosebumps as she performs with that same captivating electricity every time. But he’s never felt anything quite like what he feels right now, this combination of relief and guilt and love, sheer love, that rocks him to his core.

Before he knows it, the song is over. Y/N and her band perform a few more songs, all excellent, and then he realizes that they’re starting to step off stage. Instantly, Luke poofs away to the hallway just backstage. He opens a door that leads outside, making sure Y/N sees him go, and stands there in the slight chill of the night.

He doesn’t have to wait long. Luke’s barely been there a minute when the door swings open again, revealing Y/N walking towards him. The door has barely closed behind her when Luke moves towards her, crashing his lips onto hers. She looks up at him with this startled smile, reflecting his own teasing grin when he pulls away. “Y/N, I’ve been such an idiot. I messed up. I don’t know what I was thinking that afternoon, but I regret it all. Of course it’s not a big deal to move the date time, and I don’t know why I thought it was.”

Y/N considers him for a moment, a light smile playing on her lips, then speaks. “It’s okay, Luke. Julie tells me you’ve been miserable this whole time, so I knew you didn’t mean it.” Luke frowns. “Julie said what?” Y/N laughs. “She made sure to tell me so I didn’t feel bad.” Luke’s about to say something about how he’s sure Julie has no idea what she’s talking about and he’ll be speaking to her later, but Y/N grabs his hands, pulling him close. “Don’t say anything to her. It was what I needed to hear.”

Luke stares at her for a second, weighing her words, then breaks into a grin. “If you insist. Oh, and by the way, you killed it out there. You were amazing.” Y/N smiles up at him. “You think?” Luke kisses her cheek. “I don’t just think, I know. Loved the first song especially.” Y/N laughs, the quiet sound somehow making the darkness of the night brighter, like the sunrise came a few hours early. “I’m glad to hear it. I’ve been working on it for a while and it just felt right.”

Luke grins, kissing her again. Of course it felt right- it was the truth, the unspoken truth that both of them had been dancing around this entire time. No matter what, the highs and the lows and the worst of the nights, they still loved each other. That’s the way it would always be.

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