#I think seeing other ppl work on several stories at once also gave me the idea tbh

[odukora-ramblez]

The mildly unfortunate shit is EI will probably take several months and even years to solidify lmao (POE revamp took a year and a half or so to become what it is now and not everything is resolved either) TEF took like 6 years to be what it is now this is not something that can be rushed lmaoooooo they must grow organically....... Alas I just have a funny shitty habit to compare everything to TEF cuz my ass peaked there but I always forget the amount of time and effort for it to be what it is now

[sunnysaylorboy]

my opinion on/a surprisingly passionate defense of Mulan (2020) (SPOILERS)

I’ve seen a lot of ppl ragging on the new Mulan for so many reasons, so I will go over why these (mostly) are stupid reasons and why I love the new movie.

1. Liu Yifei supporting the Hong Kong police. Now this is not a stupid reason, this is valid. I am an East Asian studies major, and as much as I love Disney, when I first heard the news I knew I could not watch Mulan (2020) in good conscience. It went against everything I have learned in my studies, and everything I believe. However, now I am almost positive Liu Yifei was forced to make those comments- I've seen several sources saying so recently. You can look for these sources on your own, because this isn’t the whole point of my post, but I think it's true. A movie about a woman defying her government and social expectations of the time? Hong Kong citizens could absolutely use her as a symbol for protesting against China. It makes sense that the government would take preventative measures before this could happen. But anyways, I was not planning on watching Mulan (2020) until I found out that what she said was most likely fake/forced.

2. The removal of Mushu. Yes, I too miss Mushu but I completely understand why they did that. A lot of ppl make these sort of complaints about the live action remakes not using humor in the same way as the original, but that’s bc it doesn’t translate well. Humor in animated movies is exaggerated or silly, and it works in that medium but if you do the exact same in a live action film, it will come off as too slapstick. Think Will Ferrell in Elf (still a good movie). Mushu’s whole character is based off of this humor that appeals more to kids, and it would have really made the dialogue with him super cringey. and I know if they made him a more serious supportive character people would've complained about that too, so I understand why they did it.

3. The removal of Li Shang. I miss our bisexual boy too, but I actually think they did a really great job with the new guy Honghui. The directors removed Li Shang because he is in a sense, Mulan’s boss, and they felt that it was too much like the #MeToo movement, which I applaud. At first I was upset that supposedly this new character would be a jerk to Mulan until he found out she was a girl, but that's not what happened in the film fortunately. Honghui and Mulan start off on the wrong foot but they grow as comrades and sort-of friends, and Honghui is the first to stick by Mulan’s side when she reveals who she is. Even if there aren’t as many signals of him being bi, I think they progressed their relationship nicely. (I was sorta hoping for a kiss at the end though).

4. Mulan’s “chi.” Apparently people do not like that Mulan already has a sort of warrior streak inside of her already, as opposed to the 1998 version where she struggles to get used to the army. I think this is an overgeneralization. Mulan does struggle to become a soldier, as we can see in the training montage. Similar to the pole and the arrow at the top, she cannot reach the top of the mountain carrying the buckets with her arms outstretched like everyone else at first- then when she manages to do it, she knows she has proven herself. Plus, I like that they gave her more character. We don’t see any of Mulan’s childhood years in the original, so it is a little hard to understand why she is such an outcast. She only had one incident with the matchmaker and suddenly she is questioning her identity. But the 2020 version establishes that Mulan has been different from the start and everyone has known it since then. It makes it more believable that she brings dishonor on her family so easily. And just because she has strong chi doesn’t necessarily mean she is already a warrior. She is told to hide her chi as a child, and she does not tap into it easily- her commanding officers can sense something is holding her back. She is special, yes, but she isn’t “the chosen one.” She still works hard and she still relies a lot on her strategy instead of brute force just like in the animated version.

5. Lack of musical numbers. I do miss the musical numbers. But they did well with incorporating the musical themes from the original into the movie. The little “Honor to Us All” theme playing while she gets ready for the matchmaker? Perfect. The bit of “Reflection” playing when she reaches the top of mountain? Beautiful. And “Reflection” playing at the end when she is recognized as a hero? I was bawling. Also, this isn’t the first remake that Disney hasn’t made as a musical- the 2015 Cinderella did not include “A Dream is a Wish Your Heart Makes,” (except in the credits like Mulan did), or “Bibbidi-Bobbido-Boo,” or “So This is Love.” I know that Cinderella is an older movie and may not be as beloved to this generation as Mulan, but those song are still incredibly iconic to the Disney brand and I didn't see anyone complaining about those songs being removed. Idk, I don’t think it’s a big enough deal to be upset over it, especially because they included instrumentals of the songs for the live-action version.

6. The addition of the witch. I can’t believe people are complaining about the personification of the hawk from the first movie- seriously, watch the remake and you’ll see how great Xian Liang’s character is. I love the parallels drawn between her and Mulan. Despite fighting for opposite sides, she sees herself in Mulan, and Mulan sees how she might end up if she had chosen the route of evil. I think they did it wonderfully and I’m definitely not gay for Gong Li...

7. The cost. This one, I understand. $30 is a lot to pay for a movie, but I get it because they’re losing money from not going to theaters for a few months. I paid the $30 because I felt like I had waited long enough to see it, I was foaming at the mouth the night of its release, and I had $30 I was willing to spend on it. Ofc Disney is a multi-million dollar company, so I don’t begrudge anyone pirating it bc screw capitalism.

I just had to get this off my chest because so many criticisms of this film seem so unjustified, weak, or deliberately negative. I swear, not just with Mulan, I see so many people who hate the live-action remakes- it’s like they’re trying to find things to hate about them, and I'm frankly getting sick of it. Like damn bitch why you gotta be so negative about everything?? The acting is great, the music is phenomenal and timeless, the costumes are so extravagant, the action sequences make you hold your breath in anticipation... y'all will find anything to whine about and I'm TIRED. And it seems like some of y'all are purposefully ignoring WHY they made these changes. These changes were made to adhere to the Legend of Mulan more closely, to make up for some of the racial insensitivity/cultural inaccuracies in the original, and to appeal to their Asian audience. the 1998 version is a VERY Americanized way to tell they story- so stop complaining, you got “your version” that appeals to you.

Some things I loved were

1. Mulan’s sister. It’s not often we see Disney princesses with siblings. Even though she didn’t have much screen time, I loved Xiu and the relationship she had with Mulan.

2. The phoenix symbolism. In Mulan (1998), there is heavy dragon symbolism as Mulan is preparing to run away to the army. This insinuates that Mulan is the dragon, the protector of the family, and that is why the Great Stone Dragon doesn’t awaken later. In this version, she is instead guarded and represented by a phoenix. In Chinese mythology (correct me if I'm wrong), the phoenix stands for yin and yang, harmony and is often the female counterpart to the dragon. The wings specifically represent duty, which is why the wings of the phoenix spread behind Mulan when she saves the emperor singlehandedly. Though I don’t know if they intended this, in Greek mythology the phoenix is a symbol of death and rebirth. Mulan is reborn again as Hua Jun, but ultimately in this version she is not discovered as a girl, she chooses to fight as one. The moment she does, “Hua Jun died, and Mulan was born again,” as she sees the phoenix once more. Mulan is the phoenix, and she brings harmony after defeating the Rourans. It’s beautiful.

3. The avalanche scene. A lot of the battle scene was different, but I loved that they kept in the avalanche from the original. Mulan’s planning in this one shows how big her brain is, and how well her strategy works.

4. Xian Liang and Honghui. As I already mentioned, I really loved how they portrayed these characters.

5. The fight scenes. God they really got the perfect actress to play Mulan. Liu Yifei leaning back to avoid an arrow from a Rouran? Impeccable. Mulan’s display of her techniques when she and Honghui get into it when they’re supposed to be practicing? So cool. 

All in all, I loved this movie just like I love all of the other Disney princess live-action remakes. Disney obviously spent a lot of money on the action sequences, the costumes, the backgrounds, the historical accuracies, the casting, the storyline, everything is amazing. I will definitely be watching again.

[letterstomilen]

i discuss the classification of igneous petrology as you fall asleep during my lecture (PART 1) (ASMR)

Childe/Zhongli, Alternate Universe (read part 2 here) When Childe's younger sister tells him about the volunteer at the library, he does not make the connection between that and his new favorite ASMR YouTuber, Rex Lapis.

Childe has a very effective method of getting through college. His little sister, who’s caught him making coffee at three in the morning on more than one occasion the past week alone, would beg to differ. 

“You’re the best older brother,” she starts off, and he’s sure she’s trying to convince herself more than him at this point, “but you need to fix your sleeping habits.” Then, because she’s his little sister, she’d flash him a smile and pat his shoulder reassuringly.

(The comment is not lost on him though. He understands his sleeping situation will eventually wear him down if it hadn’t already, but he believes if he’ll drink a coffee every morning and a Monster every night, he’ll get through three days. By the third day, he’ll hardly be coherent but that doesn’t matter because he’ll conk out for the next twelve hours and then repeat.)

“Don’t worry, Tonia,” he says, trying to sound as reassuring as possible as he contemplates whether it’s worth it or not to swallow a pill of 5-hour energy with his morning coffee. “Once break ends, I’ll get back to normal.”

“You said that six seasons ago.”

Childe frowns, trying to remember if his sleeping schedule was this dysfunctional last year. “Huh?”

“The Walking Dead seasons,” Tonia clarifies, as if she’s not twelve years old and the show is for grown adults. He thinks. He hasn’t checked Commonsensemedia ever since La Signora labeled him as a “helicopter parent” and his Netflix tab has been playing How to Get Away with Murder as background noise for the past few weeks.

Isn’t it a show about zombies though? Tonia’s sheepish smile tells it all, because it’s the same exact guilty look he had when he got caught red-handed as a kid.

(Once he remembers later, Childe promises himself, he’ll check out The Walking Dead.)

“Oh. Well. I have a lot of shows to catch up on, you know. Not to mention a ton of my professors gave me reading for over the break.”

A half lie. They did give him a lot of reading because each professor assumed that their classes were his only one, and with seven days left, he still has a textbook worth of reading to go through. But there are no shows that Childe would sacrifice his precious sleep for. As a matter of fact, he would love to sleep. He’s spent the majority of his classes back in high school sleeping and faking attention, saving his grade at the last minute — it was quite the extreme sport really, if he says so himself.

Whenever he tries to sleep recently, his thoughts run at several hundred miles per hour, and he spends several hours staring at the ceiling before succumbing to the computer at his desk and watching trashy movies. At this point, he must have gone through the entire romance comedy list on Netflix. (Not a proud point in his life but if anybody ever wanted him to give a list of best to worst romance comedy movies, he now has one.)

Tonia, on the other hand, isn’t incredibly convinced.

Admittedly, the excuse was lame. Also, he can’t easily lie to his little sister, who’s far shrewder than he takes her for at times.

“You never start your reading in advance. You like to speed read it right before your class or watch a five-minute video on the chapters while your teachers take attendance. But that’s… uh, ‘a bad work ethic.’” Tonia looks immensely proud of herself as she says this, finishing it off with, “Zhongli told me that.”

“Zhongli?” he repeats, trying to remember if that’s one of her classmates or some stranger that’s hoping to kidnap his sister.

“The guy that volunteers at the library sometimes. He recommended me a loot of good books to read, but he talks like an old man.”

“How old?” Childe can tell she’s enjoying this — talking about her new friend at the library that he’ll probably have to run a background check on.

“Like he’s in his sixties or something. But he looks… actually, he looks your age! And he’s a student too. I told him all about you.”

Well, that doesn’t sound very reassuring coming from the mouth of a twelve-year-old. He’s not sure if that translates to his social security number, his current dilemma, or just that he’s her older brother.

“Like all of the stories you told me when I was a kid. And then when Lumine came to pick me up, she stayed to show him pictures of you too.”

“Of course she did,” he mumbles, ruffling her hair. One of these days he’s going to move without telling his classmates and the twins won’t enter his apartment unannounced. (But Tonia adores their company and the stories they tell her far too much for him to actually do it. But that doesn’t mean he’s above making threats when they tell his little sister about the bet he made about white-out and how it could dye hair. The jury is still out on this one.) “She’s just mad because I get away with it and she doesn’t. But don’t do it yourself. It’s a bad habit,” he adds, remembering that he should at least try to be a good influence on his younger sister when he can.

“Okaaay,” she says unconvincingly, before shaking her hair and running off to her room with lunch he prepared for her.

Watching her close the door and no doubt continue her binge of The Walking Dead, he takes out his phone and texts Lumine.

 Childe

12:35

ur a horrible influence on tonia

 Childe

12:35

and whos this ZHONGLI

 Childe

12:35

also is twd appropriate for 12 y/os

 Twin 1

12:37

a normal person would say hi

 Twin 1

12:37

also 1. me n aether watched it when we were 12 so probably and 2. some guy at the library that also goes to our school

 Well. At least he’s somebody they know. But The Walking Dead?

 Childe

12:38

thats not very convincing

 Childe

12:38

also dont ppl DIE? get BITTEN???? what if she gets nightmares

 Twin 1

12:39

isnt she 12 r u telling me u weren’t watching R rated movies at 12

 Childe

12:42

thats very different from a 10 season long show that is hailed as “one of the greatest horror shows in history” and “paved the way for post-apocalyptic horror”

 Twin 1

12:42

well if she has trouble sleeping she could always watch asmr. that helps me during midterms idk

 Childe

12:42

whats asmr

 Childe

12:43

asking for my sister btw

 Twin 1

12:44

A feeling of well-being combined with a tingling sensation in the scalp and down the back of the neck, as experienced by some people in response to a specific gentle stimulus, often a particular sound.

 Childe

12:45

wtf?

 Twin 1

12:45

people on the internet make random sounds or just talk into a mic n its supposed to be very relaxing. how have u never found out abt this?????

 Childe

12:45

idk the only thing on my youtube recommended r greatest stunts and chapter review videos

 Twin 1

12:47

… makes sense

 Twin 1

12:47

check out rex lapis’ channel he looks like ur type

 Childe

12:48

i thought we were talking about my sister????

 Twin 1

12:50

[message screenshots.jpg]

 Twin 1

12:50

ya she told me everything

 Twin 1

12:50

have fun i need to convince aether to not commit arson bc of his TA

 Childe

12:51

hope he does it

He opens his Youtube app, typing in Rex Lapis and expecting Lumine’s suggestion to be a joke. Despite them being friends for nearly two years now, she’s never made any indication of knowing his type. And he’s sure he’s never been that vocal about it either, only shooting appreciative looks at history majors and paying more attention than necessary to the TA for ‘Tradition of Justice and Law.’ (It’s unfortunate that those short-term crushes never led to anything, but maybe that’s for the better seeing that Childe has never understood the appeal of relationships.)

It is an ASMR channel, judging by the ASMR playlist he finds as he scrolls through the account. The icon shows no face — only a microphone — which leaves him skeptical. Most of the video titles belong in a petrology lecture as well, which makes him even more convinced that it’s a joke. He finds a few readings of ancient literature and decides to pick ‘I discuss the classification of igneous petrology as you fall asleep during my lecture (PART 1) (ASMR)’ because that’s exactly what he needs. (Not the very moment — but ten hours later when he’s in the bed memorizing the pattern of his ceiling wondering why he stole from his fifth grade teacher’s candy jar during lunch.)

When Childe opens the video, he damn near gasps.

The man in the video is exactly his type. His eyes are a soft amber color, framed with long lashes, and it’s almost enough for him to lose his dignity and message Lumine a long thank you text about how she is always right and he’ll pay for her coffee for the following week.  He smiles at the screen, albeit a little sheepishly, dark hair framing his face with a long ponytail that Childe can’t see the end of. On his right ear, there are a pair of earrings with a single feather that brush against his neck when he moves his head.

Even before he speaks, Childe is mesmerized, sure he’ll already memorize his features from the curve of his nose to the way he tilts his head, displaying the expanse of his neck.

Really — he reminds him of actors in historical dramas, the way he sits regally, and how he speaks. His voice is low and slow as he adopts a careful manner of speaking, leaning into the mic.

“I’m Rex Lapis, and I’ll be discussing igneous petrology today, which is part one in a three-part petrology series. I apologize in advance, seeing that my knowledge is limited compared to many petrologists out there but my friend Venti said that many of my viewers are here for my voice, so I’m very excited to start today’s video.”

Holy shit.

For the following week, Childe learns less about petrology, the philosophy of economics, and historical revisionism concerning matters of war and more about Rex Lapis, who is not in love with his voice but often finds himself in the middle of long tangents without explanations. His favorite book series is the Legend of the Lone Sword, which he says he’ll look forward to reading out loud for the channel. (Childe replays that part of the video again and again, captivated by his excitement as he mindlessly taps the mic while he speaks, his tangent cutting off mid-word — as it usually does, much to his dismay.)

His guilty obsession is not lost on Tonia, who realizes that instead of drinking Monster every night he’s been engrossed in his phone completely, often not noticing her or when the water starts bubbling. But because his sleeping schedule has been alleviated, she says nothing until Lumine comes over as she always does, not forgetting their weekly schedule of watching trashy movies while leeching off of Childe’s food.

Because he doesn’t trust the twins with the kitchen — even if they can cook — she instead spends her time sitting next to Tonia and spreading more of her anti-Childe propaganda while they wait. This usually involves Tonia occasionally calling out Childe’s name and asking, “Is that true?” or “Did you really do that?”

This time is different though.

Worried that Lumine finally decided to show Tonia a video of last semester’s presentation, he leans over, looking at the computer screen.

And he’s wrong. Unfortunately. Maybe it should’ve been his presentation because even if he botched it and accidentally projected his work process — screaming notes and all — to the class instead of his actual presentation, it would’ve been better than the two of them watching one of Rex Lapis’ videos together.

The ‘I read Erosion: Essays of Undoing to you as it rains outside’ video, to be specific, which is where Rex Lapis is embarrassed by Venti mid video when asked if this was his idea of a date with a lover. (And then it ends with Rex Lapis asking for video suggestions from the commentors, his face still flushed from the previous comments.)

Oh God — oh fuck.

“So he is your type,” Lumine says, her expression a bit too smug for his liking. Tonia looks half awake, scrolling through articles as the video plays, more interested in ‘Top 10 Glenn Rhee Moments’ than Childe’s crush. Her expression is a bit guilty as she does so — she’s biting her lip and avoiding his gaze, but he assumes that it’s just because they went through his YouTube history.

“I can neither confirm nor deny that statement,” he retorts, but the YouTube history she pulls up once Tonia hands the computer over to her says it all. (It’s quite mortifying, really — even Tonia is giving him a look, but it’s not as bad as Lumine’s shit eating grin.)

“Well… he does have a nice voice,” Childe finally says, thinking that perfectly encompasses his most recent obsession. Because he does have a nice voice — it’s soothing and speaks to him without really speaking to him directly. (The good looks are a bonus, he assures himself. A fantastic bonus, but a bonus nonetheless.)

“He does,” Tonia confirms, smiling toothily up at him, and he resists the urge to ruffle her hair with Lumine staring at him so skeptically. “But I don’t understand much of what he’s saying. He — heh — talks like an old man.”

“Don’t worry, Tonia, your brother likes him because he’s attractive,” Lumine informs her, now fast forwarding on one of Rex Lapis’ videos. “Did you know that he lives nearby?”

“Huh?”

The knife he’s holding clatters to the floor, and the two look down and back up at him with— hold on, why does it feel like they’re in on a secret he doesn’t know about?

“Yeah, he’s working on his grad thesis I think… Aether told me it was about something on history,” she muses. “That’s why I recommended his channel to you. He’s a bit of a celebrity in his department.” Childe’s sure his jaw dropped now, trying to maintain his facial expression as he takes out a new knife to chop up the onions.

“Really,” he tries to say as calmly as possible, wondering how he should accompany Aether to his lectures without trying to seem as obvious as possible. His voice is a bit shaky he realizes but he can’t quite make the connection between Rex Lapis and actual graduate student that goes to his university.

“Yeah, actually…” Lumine is definitely pretending to think now, enjoying this far too much. “He—”

“It’s Zhongli!” his little sister yells excitedly, practically jumping up and down at this point as if she won the lottery. “Zhongli runs an ASMR channel and he talks just like that in real life! Right, Lumine?”

“Yeah.”

Childe sighs, holding a hand up to his face. The realization that he’s been obsessed with the same guy that hears about every stupid thing he did secondhand is way too much — and the fact that he’s been listening to his voice every night before he went to bed the past week is way too much. He’s sure his face is redder than before judging by the amused expressions on Lumine’s and Tonia’s faces — really, they’re mirror images of each other right now.

Not for the first time, Childe swears to himself that he’ll never let her into his apartment without signing a contract ever again.

[silver-wield]

Cloud had every opportunity to validate his relationship between he and Tifa. He doesn’t tell aerith who he gave the flower to and when aerith asks if tifa is his girlfriend he’s quick to say no and when she says “she’s something special, right?” And he says “it’s not like that” that doesn’t sound like someone who’s in love... yet when Tifa questions the relationship he has with aerith, he can’t even answer... As a cloti fan I don’t think I can shobghis anymore... 😔

Ok, let’s breakdown how Cloud’s behaviour works again. 

Not that some people understand that having mental illness and crafting a false persona to protect their own psyche means they do things that are contradictory to their own true feelings at times. They seem to think SOLDIER Cloud is another way of saying “He’S jUsT zAcK”. Which isn’t that at all and they need to stop purposely misunderstanding the point.

SPOILERS FOR CLOUD’S ENTIRE BACKSTORY. 

Cloud: introverted, socially awkward, no father figure, low self-esteem, lives in a very small town with little culture and few kids his age. Of those kids, the majority don’t like him because they’re assholes (yeah I said it).

Tifa: childhood friend and crush, who isn’t an asshole to him because she’s a literal fucking sweetheart (don’t even try and @ me). Shy, reserved, polite, kind, also can be reckless af.

Age 8, Tifa’s mother dies and she gets it into her head that she can go visit her at the top of mt Nibel because that’s where she gets the impression the lifestream touches the planet.

Cloud (9), follows her and her friends up the mountain and stays with her as they chicken out. He and Tifa have an accident, which results in Tifa being unconscious for 7 days. During that time she’s unconscious (but yknow some ppl say she should’ve still cleared up the misunderstanding WHILE UNCONSCIOUS, despite never learning of it even after she woke up), her friends throw Cloud under the bus to her father as the reason why she went there. Tifa’s father puts all the blame for it on him (douchebag move, but he’s an upset parent who’s just lost his wife and now doesn’t know if his daughter will live or die. I’m not excusing him, but he’s got reasons other than “let’s victimise Cloud”.) Tifa’s father tells Cloud that if he isn’t capable of protecting her then he should keep his distance.

Cloud resolves to become stronger and thanks to Stamp propaganda and Sephiroth hero worship he decides to become a SOLDIER.

Tifa never says anything about this being what she wants. She likes Cloud just as he is.

Skip forward a few years and Cloud’s 14, has kept his word not to hang out with Tifa, not that it stops her wanting his attention.

The promise scene occurs, where Cloud tries to get Tifa to admit she likes him and Tifa gets Cloud to promise to return to town just once so she can see him again (because these idiots have no idea they mutually like each other in a romantic sense).

Skip forward another 2 years.

Cloud (16) isn’t a SOLDIER, but he’s got to go to Nibelheim with Zack and Sephiroth. He hides from Tifa, ashamed that he isn’t the man he promised he’d become.

Tifa (15) who’s massively disappointed Cloud wasn’t with them, ends up seriously injured by Sephiroth after he loses his marbles. 

Cloud appears and saves her, killing Sephiroth. 

Zangan takes Tifa away from Nibelheim - and good thing too or she’d have ended up a test subject with the others.

Cloud and Zack are stuffed in chambers to be experimented on.

4 years go by and Zack saves Cloud who’s suffering mako poisoning. They make it to Midgar, which takes around a year, where Zack then dies, leaving his sword to Cloud. 

Cloud still suffering from mako poisoning and now also with PTSD and all his other previous issues, shambles into Midgar where Tifa finds him.

Here’s the bit people like to misunderstand.

Cloud is infected with Jenova cells, which warp his perception and make him susceptible to Sephiroth’s control. (This is proven by a moment at the end of the game where Cloud’s hand twitches in response to Sephiroth asking for his help)

Zack told Cloud a lot of stories, both before he was poisoned and after. These combined with Jenova’s mind warping, the mako poisoning itself and Cloud’s own severe trauma allowed him to craft a false persona for himself, which he needed to protect his real psyche from a further mental breakdown.

Cloud is a mentally ill protagonist.

Cloud uses the SOLDIER persona he’s crafted as a shield to function in daily life. He’s unaware of what he’s done. He believes SOLDIER!Cloud is the only psyche. We get to see real!Cloud on screen at the beginning of Chapter 8 asking SOLDIER!Cloud if he’s ok. Real!Cloud specifically refers to the childhood event on mt Nibel with Tifa where he “got away with scraped knees”. SOLDIER!Cloud doesn’t know what he’s talking about because it’s a real!Cloud memory and not one he’s privy to. Any time SOLDIER!Cloud tries reconnecting to his true self he ends up in pain. He’s not ready to be whole yet.

Behind the shield is an emotionally stunted, very ill man who spent four years as a lab rat, suffered countless traumas, witnessed his home burned and saw the girl he loved stabbed. The real Cloud is a weak, flawed human being who isn’t in a good enough head space to function, let alone do all the things that’s needed of him during events in the game.

Cloud doesn’t think he’s Zack. The only time that argument can even be used is in a 23 year old game that has clear script problems all over the place. That information is outdated and been debunked several times over.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Now, onto the points you raised.

Cloud cannot connect his real persona and the feelings he has for Tifa with this false persona he has. The SOLDIER persona acts as both a shield and a wall preventing things from affecting the real!Cloud behind it. Nothing gets in or out. That’s why Cloud can’t articulate his feelings for Tifa. It’s not because he doesn’t feel anything for her, it’s because he can’t connect to those feelings until after he’s reunited the fractured parts of his psyche -- which only happens because of Tifa during the lifestream sequence. It’s then he’s able to get back in touch with those feelings and express them. It’s not because they don’t exist. He never, at any point, in 7R says he doesn’t have feelings for Tifa. He says she’s not his girlfriend - fact, she isn’t. He says in response to Aerith asking “she’s someone special” that “it’s not like that” but then gets cut off, like every other point in the game where he’s about to try and explain his feelings. He doesn’t know how he feels because those feelings belong to real!Cloud and not SOLDIER!Cloud. We get a clear view of how Real!Cloud feels about Tifa during the plate fall. At several points, the urge to comfort Tifa is seen. That’s not SOLDIER!Cloud’s urge, it’s real!Cloud’s. When he sees her crying during Jessie’s cut scene, when he sees her on her knees at the top of the plate, when his hand twitches as Barret hugs her. All of these are canon non-optional moments that build a picture of real!Cloud wanting to express his feelings to Tifa, but not being able to. The resolution is the culmination of those feelings. He takes his time hugging her back because the SOLDIER persona is trying to protect him still, but the real!Cloud breaks through long enough to hug her. And he does so hard because he needs comfort. He’s gone through so much that he’s broken inside. That’s why he hugs her until it hurts. Because he hurts. 

His response to Tifa’s question about Aerith isn't shipping. Tifa’s first words when she wakes are an urgent affirmation to get home and save the slum. Cloud agrees. She then asks Cloud how he knows Aerith, after expressing concern she'll get hurt by going with them. Tifa and Cloud are eco terrorists and as far as she knows Aerith is a normal girl. Nobody would want a civilian dragged into danger. And Cloud has been in Midgar for four days and spent most of them with Avalanche and Tifa. She's curious how they're friends because she knows Cloud isn't a people person. Cloud explains Aerith saved him, but when? It's clearer in the JP because the phrasing is that Cloud was in the kind of danger that worries Tifa. She wants to know what kind of danger Cloud would get into that he couldn't handle. Well he's not talking physical danger. He's talking about how Aerith helped him save Tifa. Because that's the kind of dork he is. He's referring to the phrase Aerith said to Sam about making sure Cloud wouldn't have to live without Tifa. That's what he means by her saving his life. Because he can't live without Tifa. So, it's obvious why that's not made a bigger deal of in disc one.

He doesn’t tell Aerith who he gave the flower to because it’s none of her goddamn business. She’s a stranger being nosy. He’s got no obligation to tell her what he did with it. If someone you met twice start sticking their nose in your personal business you’d be cagey too. That’s a meaningless moment that certain people cling to because they’re idiots.

Sorry, this got long. Hope it clears a few things up though. I probably missed a few details here and there.

TLDR: Cloud has mental illness and isn’t capable of love due to a fractured psyche, so can’t answer anyone when they ask.

[iheartkikixo]

Thoughts on the Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D series finale

********AOS SERIES FINALE SPOILERS AHEAD*********

********AGENTS OF S.H.I.E.L.D SERIES FINALE SPOILERS AHEAD*********

*******SERIOUSLY. IF YOU DON’T WANNA BE SPOILED STOP READING NOW********

You were warned.

Okay. So Agents of Shield is finished.

On the first watch I won’t lie, I was REALLY conflicted and bothered by the ending. I really couldn’t understand why they chose to go that route and I ended up pacing my house for like 30mins. However, after a couple hours of mulling it over, a rewatch and a nap. I understand why they ended it the way they did and actually have a newfound respect and maybe even love for the ending.

I know on first watch seeing everyone (especially May and Daisy) separated and alone initially feels depressing and possibly like the last 7 years of building this family was redundant, but if you look closer, it wasn’t...at all.

When we first met May, she wasn’t just alone, she was broken and self-isolated from everyone that she cared about and who cared about her. After the events of Bahrain, she closed herself down and became a shell of herself while her guilt and self-loathing threatened to eat her alive. The May we see in the final 3 episodes is so incredibly far from that. When Daisy throws Bahrain in her face in s2, the self loathing is still very present and she still can barely speak on it, she still feels like a monster for what happened and she retreats away from the team (to a degree) and back into herself. This reaction is so different to when Kora throws Bahrain in her face in 7x11. May is at a point where she fully realizes she wasn’t the monster in that story, she did what she did to save the innocent, and that at her very core is who she is, a protector of the innocent and those who can't protect themselves. And like she tells Kora, she’s “made peace with it”. In the last scene with May, yes there is a sadness that the team isn’t all together, but she’s not broken, unhappy or even alone. She’s found a new calling teaching at an Academy named after Coulson which upholds his legacy. She’s jovial when Flint comes and she laughs and jokes. It's so far removed from s1 May. Before Bahrain, May wanted kids and even when she was trying to save Katya, you could tell that she cared about kids a lot, this echoes to her protectiveness over the bus kids, and also extends into the Framework where kids being in danger was the thing that kinda brought her back to herself, and then also Robin, who she becomes a mother to. This is where the best of May comes out, she’s a mentor and a protector and in her last scene we see her happily being that to Flint and other students. So it’s full circle, she’s physically away from the team but not holed up alone in a cubicle in pain. She’s healed over these past several years and found a new purpose for her life, and her Shield family and time with them gave her that and made that possible.

The same with Daisy. When we meet her she is truly alone, she’s grown up alone, has nobody, she’s living in a van, she doesn’t even know her real name or date of birth, she’s searching for her family and searching for an identity and purpose. Throughout the last 7 seasons she’s found all of that and more. In this ending, like May, she’s not with the team, but she’s not truly without it either. She’s still in Shield, still doing missions, still in contact with the team, she still has them. If something goes wrong, there isn’t a doubt in my mind that they will come running as they always have, but after several years of fighting Hydra, Inhumans, ghosts, demons, LMDs, aliens, Chronicoms, being stranded on alien planets or at the bottom of the sea, being thrown into the future and then into the past, being mutilated or killed and resurrected or not, they all deserve some reprieve. They also can’t live under each other forever and they all deserve to actually live their lives. At the beginning of the series Daisy was lost and she didn’t know who she was, by the end neither of those are true anymore. She’s found her calling, she’s found family, she’s found relatives, she’s even found love. And now It’s like she’s paying it forward. Someone found her and gave her love, home, family and solid ground and now she’s doing the same for others (namely Daniel and Kora). Everything really goes back to the conversation her and Mack had where he tells her that even if the team dynamic shifts, it's okay and she’ll be okay. In real families we don’t all stay under the same roof forever, we branch out, take jobs in other cities or countries and start families of our own, but it doesn’t negate our original family and I don't think this ending does either. It doesn’t mean found families hold less weight than blood families, because with family (the people you’ve chosen to love and have chosen to love you back, blood or not), even when you’re not around them 24/7, distance and time change nothing. Based on the group conversation, they clearly have been in contact and will continue to be, Jemma saying she’ll email Daisy later about something they had earlier discussed, Mack and Yoyo still being together even though they’re on mission in different places at the moment, May telling Mack she has some names of recruits to send him, Coulson telling Daisy to give him a call once she gets back to Earth etc. It's not that they’re not family anymore or that they’re only gonna contact or see each other once a year, their life choices just have them spread out and busy, but they’re still family. Jemma saying they need to do the group meeting annually doesn’t mean it has to only happen once a year, nor does it mean they won’t interact individually whenever they can, it just means that despite how busy life gets they need to make sure they as a whole group isolate some time to be together however they can. That is the most family thing ever. Throughout the year ppl are busy and you see each other but not everyone together at the same time, but then you have something like Thanksgiving or Christmas where everyone makes it their business to find themselves under the same roof for a day. It feels like the same concept applies here. It only feels sad right now because it's new, but after a while it will be normal. They’ve spent the better part of a decade living under the same roof and now they’re not even on the same planet all the time, it's a weird adjustment, but they will adjust.

As far as Philinda goes. Philinda has been my AoS OTP since season 1 and while I was kinda sad initially that they didn’t end together, I get it. Phil is dead and PhilLMD is just that, an LMD. A robot. He’s not real and as such, while still having Philinda scenes makes me happy, I don’t think I want May to have to settle for a robot no matter how advanced. It’s not fair. Especially with her being an empath now, every time she touches Phil it's a reminder that he’s not real. He can’t grow old with her or be truly intimate because everything about him is coded into him. She deserves the chance and the space to move on and find something real with someone real and him being around her all the time would prevent that because she loves Phil, even though he’s not really here anymore. Phil was ready to go in season 5 as he felt like he had already been given a second chance and didn’t want to be greedy, which is why he didn’t seek out the cure in space. LMD!Phil who works solely off of Phil’s memories and feelings is echoing the same sentiments by contemplating shutting down. It's not fair for May to let herself explore this any deeper (especially now being an empath as she feels things more deeply), only for him to decide to shut down leaving her again, and it's not fair for them to explore this and him to force himself to stay operative until she dies as to not hurt her again, even though his Phil coding is telling him it's time to go. I feel like once everyone is comfortably settled into their new lives and he knows they’re all truly okay, he’ll shut down for good, until then he’s just around in case they need him.

I don’t think I need to speak too much on Fitzsimmons or Mackelena. With everything Fitz and Simmons have endured over the last 7 seasons, retirement (not sure if Simmons is fully retired too) seems beyond reasonable. We’ve watched them lose each other or themselves in one way or another every season, and like everyone else on the team they kept coming back for more when it would’ve been easier to walk away and most probably would have. But they're not most people, they are a family and refused to abandon the team while it was in need. So this ending with their super cute kid is just very deserved and great to see. Mackelena. I love that they’re still agents. I was also initially surprised Mack was still an agent as he seemed like the most likely to leave a couple seasons ago. Maybe the Adventures of Mack and The D gave him a new outlook, realizing that there are so many out there who want to and will do good if given the space and opportunity to. I also love that Piper asked for a Davis LMD and that he and Piper can argue like old times. I thought that was kinda cute.

Overall, I feel like this moment was necessary. Change sucks, but it's necessary for growth. I also think the messaging is great and applies to the cast, the fans and just the world in general. Change isn’t bad, people come into our lives for seasons and they teach us, love us, heal us and sometimes leave us, but that’s not the end. There are new people and new adventures waiting, and the same way people come into your lives for a reason, we also are destined to go into other people's lives and be that person who teaches, loves and heals them the way someone did for us. It’s a cycle. And that's one of the ways the world moves forward and gets better. Good people bringing out the best in other people, who move on to bring out the best in other people, creating more and more good people. Philindaisy will always hold the most special place in my heart in this show. Phil found May in her cubicle and Daisy in her van, and the three of them saved each other in so many ways and gave each other everything they needed as well unconditional, unwavering love and support which helped them move beyond their past traumas to the point where they were mentally healthy and strong enough to not just have the family they formed with each other, but also form their own families outside of the original family unit and do the same for others. That in itself is beautiful. This is the end of this particular part of their journey, but in no way do I think it's the end of the family that they all formed over the last 7 years, because you don’t go through all they went through and then just feel nothing. They will forever be a part of each other and they will forever pull from the lessons, experiences and love they have for and gave each other. And that’s life, and also what I’m taking away from this show.

[reversecreek]

ziggy strutting up to me like this gif as i hold up a crucifix n say begone begone vile beast BEGONE from my vicinity i will NOT buy u a happy meal wretched little boy...... some live action rp to start this off..... and SCENE. takes my bow. his pinterest is here n his playlist is here.

* dylan minnette, cis male + he/him  | you know ziggy benson, right? they’re twenty-four, and they’ve lived in irving for, like, all of his life? well, their spotify wrapped says they listened to hand crushed by a mallet by 100 gecs like, a million times this year, which makes sense ‘cause they’ve got that whole glitching televisions impaled by remotes, nonchalantly texting the babes as a stove fire ravages your kitchen & cartoons turned up so loud it fries your eardrums thing going on. i just checked and their birthday is november 24th, so they’re a sagittarius, which is unsurprising, all things considered. ( nai, 24, gmt she/her  )

HISTORY;

from the second ziggy ws born he didnt stop screaming. within the first hours of his life he gave his father an ear splitting headache tht prompted him to say “that uncooked chicken’s fucking demonic” n joke abt popping “it” in the oven to roast. when this understandably received disgusted glances frm the nursing staff he ws all like “jeez alright alright i’m kiddin i’m kiddin can’t a guy have a joke around here?” n i feel like that sets up their dynamic so nice n sweetly <3 (sarcasm) (lips pursed)

frm day one he ws just honestly a rly hyperactive child. when he laughed he’d shriek it out at the absolute top of his lungs bc he’d just get this huge giddy surge of energy all the way to the very tips of his toes n it’d hit him like a shock from a fork in a plug socket. their parenting style ws rly just lazy tbh.... they didn’t have much time for disciplining him. ziggy’s mum wld halfheartedly be like “ziggy quiet now....” n then go bk to nuking whatever vegetables she’d defrosted until they tasted like dinosaur bones..... this wld not make any difference in ziggy’s behaviour

his father rly just took the stance that it ws ziggy’s mum’s job to discipline him or raise him in general which is. 🔪 please enter the 20th century sir.... get ur noggin sorted..... needless to say he wsn’t much involved in ziggy’s life n honestly generally jst didn’t like him. ziggy was a responsibility he didn’t want (accidental prregnancy) n in his literal words once said (blatantly while ziggy ws watching cartoons on the sofa) tht ziggy just “harshes my fucking vibe a lil bit”. 

he wound up leaving when ziggy was six ish.... ziggy watched thru a crack in the blinds as his mum tried to grab at his jacket to make him stay as he lugged out his suitcase..... she even tried to physically cling onto him so he cldn’t get in his ride bt the door wound up slamming n she sat on her knees watching the lights pull out the drive n even long after they were gone. ziggy didn’t rly kno what to do abt this (emotions hd never been smthn he particularly understood, his own or how to handle other people’s) so after watching her fr 5 minutes he went out n gently shook her shoulder n was like. mom come inside u look weird out here. FKGHSFHGSFHKGFHKSGSFGHK. this was him trying to show love <3

ziggy’s mum is like.... rly relationship dependent. she gets all her self worth n validation frm whtever man she’s dating.... so she went on this like.... wild rampage of jst. dating a very large string of men. they ranged frm dreadfully boring to downright awful n were always below her standards. ziggy quite literally hated. all of them. every last one. even one that tried to b nice to him by offering to help him do his math homework when he ws 13 (bc ziggy was struggling a lot w this) n in response ziggy loudly barked until the man gt scared n stumbled backwards into a dining chair on his way out of the room. KGHFHKSJHFJGSHKFG

while him n his mum hv a kind of strained situation (there’s a great deal of resentment from her end n kind of. blaming him fr “driving his father away” n it’s never spoken abt bt it’s very much Present in their relationship n honestly ziggy kind of resents her too fr bringing some of the men into their lives tht she did) there is. love there...... sometimes she’ll like. reach out to cup the back of his head n he’ll duck his head away n be like wtf are u doing checking me for lice? n she’ll jst smile like :)...... knowing that’s how he loves. KHSFGKJGHKSFGFHKGSHF. ugh we love men who know how to process their emotions yesssss king give us nothing <3

(abuse n violence tw) idk i won’t go into it too much bt even tho ziggy’s constantly like 🙄 when his mum shows him affection he wld quite literally. kill fr her n almost did one time.......... narrowly avoided getting charged w assault when one of her bfs was drunk n evil n he went into protective mode.... idk he. has gone thru a lot n seen a lot n so has his mum. they look after each other the best they kno how despite the negatives in their relationship.... it’s complex <3

literally got in trouble so. often. at school. he ws always hyperactive (undiagnosed adhd n also probably not helped by the fact he ws jst allowed to eat sm junk food w 459729457952 sugar percentage all hours of the day) bt when his dad left n like. dealing w acting out so severely at home where his mum’s bfs were concerned it rly escalated..... i jst think he ws like. literally a terror. probably got suspended so many times. maybe even was permanently expelled before he cld get his diploma honestly. set off a firework in school hallway. smthn absolutely reckless n stupid.

hs hd a bunch of jobs mostly in the service industry...... usually ends up getting fired.... worked at mcdonald’s fr a while n then one day he went in rly high n ate three cheeseburgers in front of a weeping child who hd ordered one.... promptly gt fired bt he ws like yo fuck this place i’m quitting n threw off his apron n was like who’s with me??? who’s joining the union??????? to the rest of the staff n they were all mostly like >_> <_< before security approached to forcibly remove him n he grabbed a cookie n crammed it into his mouth in rebellion mid frantic n frankly possessed escape.....

in terms of wht’s going on to this day w his living situation i honestly think he still lives w his mum. i can just see this. KHGFSKGHSFGKSFGH. in like. a ramshackle bungalow in delphinus heights.... having said tht she probably isn’t. there tht often nw she’s dating her latest man (jonas, somehow always sweaty no matter the weather, wears too many gold rings n smells like shoe cleaner) who owns a car dealership n thinks he’s a kingpin for it. still home sometimes tho.

PERSONALITY:

ziggy spends his days working shifts at an ice cream parlour (one he got fired from once bc he broke in high n ate sm ice cream he was lay on the floor in the bk pants unbuttoned stomach bulging sm calling himself garfield saying he had too much lasagna. they hired him bk tho bc he has a harem of middle aged women who lust after him n it brings customers....) or like. cruising parties...... setting off fireworks.... skateboarding...... breaking into abandoned buildings.... filming stupid jackass type tricks....... playing guitar hero...... getting drunk at the arcade..... sometimes busking fr cash in a tossed dwn hat (very badly) (thinks he’s sick at it however)........ or alternatively...... fucking chicks aha...... fuck.......... not exclusive to chicks tho just had to sound despicable bt :smirk: he’s bi Baby.... 

i won’t lie he’s kind of an asshole................ never rly was taught properly how to empathise with ppl so like he struggles w that....... sometimes he’ll say smthn tht’s genuinely just quite mean n doesn’t need to be said but he doesn’t rly realise it’s like bad. n he’s like. what’s the deal haha why are u mad...... 

fuckboy. genuinely jst. rly summarises it well. insatiable. sleeps around wildly. will say he’ll call u back n then will not call u back. lies like oh babe i’m moving to france tomorrow fuckkkkkkkkk sucks so bad that we can only have one night but let’s make it special yeah? tits? n then they’ll see him casually skating past them on the street a week later n be like well clearly he’s not in france. ziggy doesn’t care.

calls himself a “genius inventor” bc he once gutted a vintage analog television n made it into a fish tank. it literally leaked water a bit. still convinced he is a literal visionary never seen before never done again. he’s like i’m on the brink of greatness. i’m the next einstein.

has a bit of a god complex where he thinks he’s the sexiest person in any given room n it’s kind of funny bc like dylan minnette’s sexy to me bt tht isn’t a widespread opinion n ur being a bit bold ziggy...... regardless has confidence thru the roof tht isn’t rly deterred by anything or anyone.....

dyes his hair 49729572459752 colours every colour under the sun. sometimes all at once jst different patches. wears lots of tie dye tshirts n basketball shorts even tho he doesn’t play basketball. rly colourful sneakers. just lots of loud colours tbh. often wears a paper clip in his ear as an earring. pierced it himself. someone probably recorded him doing it fr his insta story. probably was drunk.

drives a vespa around tht is baby blue with pastel yellow polka dots. it has lots of tin cans attached to the back by string like on those cars when u just got married. he did not just get married. u can hear him arriving frm over a street away.

almost never pays fr anything bt is always like “yo it’s my treat” n then either dine n dashes or u have to pay

his idea of romance is nuking a hot pocket as breakfast in bed n then complaining he’s hungry n eating half

WANTED CONNECTIONS:

fuckboy antics: he’s insatiable. rabid. notorious. mayb they fkd n he didn’t call........ jst completely ghosted........ mayb they were genuinely into him n he honestly built up kind of false pretences abt them having a connection n then jst dipped..... cld  b good fr angst n drama <3 someone please egg his house he deserves it <3

high skl heathens: locals tht were equally chaotic in hs..... just picture him having this group of misfits tht were like so loud n always getting up to no good doing god knows what god knows where.... probably gt arrested together breaking into an old abandoned hospital one time........... rly just doing the absolute most at all times............. probably so loud........... drinking n smoking far too much.....

an attempted teenage relationship: i’m like. tentative to even put this one bc i just feel like ziggy wld be a shit bf. KJHGFSHGFHGSFHGFKGHFKSG. but. maybe it ended in drama.....i’d say this wld probably be a girl bc in hs he probably ws less open w his sexuality... maybe ziggy cheated on her or she cheated on him................ angst........ strife.... we love it we love it........ i crash my car into the bridge... i don’t care... i love it... sudden icona pop moment me stood on stage singing karaoke.... it’s just gone 7am as i write this so i apologise if this is losing any. coherency. smiles so sexy....

last adolescent plot i swear: i picture when ziggy was expelled he somehow amassed a large group to protest w signs outside the school fr him to be accepted back. it didn’t work. he threw a party when he received news he hadn’t got back in anyway. maybe ur muse was involved or helped organise this or was violently opposed.

enemies: ppl who just. don’t like ziggy bc like honestly that’s so fair n valid. KJHGFKGHKSFGHSGKHSFHG..... mayb he like. exploded their mailbox one time when they were younger. mayb he skated over their toes. mayb he fucked their bitch aha fuck................. (joking btw) (don’t condone misogyny) (hashtag feminism). cld be fun to play around w

fwb: probably hs a few of these......... mayb they’re cool w things being no strings attached n lax n at ease w ziggy being the mess tht he is in general..... mayb they want more bt ziggy cannot provide...... mayb they literally don’t get on at all n this is their only mutual ground n they keep coming bk to each other.... :smirk:..... whatever u Farncy....

maybe ziggy’s mum dated ur muse’s dad at one point???? we can discuss this if u think it fits..... cld be fun to play around w............

coworkers: past or present r fun..... mayb they were like WTFFF is this guy fking ONNN at a past job (he’s had a few in the food service industry so pretty open in tht area)... mayb they work w him at the ice cream parlour now..... cn discuss the dynamic probably wld be dependent on the muse involved fr like. how he’d act n stuff.... :yum:

[papers4me]

Fruits Basket, SE02, Ep25 (Season Finale)

ah~ I finished furuba’s Season 2..T_T.. now my life is empty..that’s a good ep!

- A moment with yuki:

I think there’s sth I still don’t understand abt yuki’s tohru-mom feelings...I thought that yuki after acknowledging such feelings, will slowly build a healthier, more equal relationship with tohru  & the only reason he didn’t tell her is cuz he wants her to be ready & not worry. So today, it makes sense that he comes & tells tohru he stood up for himself & was scared but made it! he’s proud of himself & tohru should be proud of him, too. Also, it helps tohru let go of worrying abt him & realize his growth. All amazing!!! However, the scene was depicted in a way that screams, “look mommy, I’ did it!” rather than a friend reaching out & proudly telling a friend. it really cemented the mom-son dynamics. I felt “awe look at him proudly telling his mom” sth I thought, we’ll be slowly moving away from towards more equal dynamics. Yuki was drawn extra thin & he was leaning as if he was waiting for a head pat. Nothing is wrong with yuki wanting motherly feels since he never got one but i felt nothing changed between them. yuki still below tohru. I mean he’ll never be able to repay her kindness. true. but I thought the story will let us see him standing taller bit by bit, y’know? I know he still calls her honda-san & perhaps him finally calling her “tohru” is when they’re equal..but shouldn’t he move slowly towards that? rather than suddenly coming & thanking her for being his much needed mother figure? why is this scene depicted with extremely strong mother-son feel? could it be cuz yuki is still putting tohru in a pedestal? he told momiji “did u do sth worthy of honda-san’s praise” as if tohru isn’t the person who praises momiji for a cute uniform or kyo for making a standard riceball. hmm, maybe yuki can’t be equal to her if he still sees her as the sky or an angel or someone who desperately needs protection. tohru is precious to him & he’ll protect her with his life, but I thought he’ll do so as a friend, not as a son. Maybe SE03 is abt him learning to see tohru as a normal, lacking but still amazing person? I’d love to see that!!

- Shigure ( the main character ):

It’s always forgotten that this goofy, good for nuthin dude is a main character. But once he turns dark & reveals his face, no doubt that this guy is the plot’s leader! Shigure doesn't do lengthy inner monologues, nor his actions are easy to read. Mayuko is right “ he is like a ripple in the water” .The stages of shigues’s emotions:

Bitter: “why not let yuki take responsibility & tend for akito?” mocking akito’s bedridden status over yuki’s defiance. “ why u ask abt tohru in the phone?” & proceeds to mock kureno for calling. Tohru would never answer the phone first. “ you’re featherbrained” cruelly mocking him using a pun on his zodiac while suspecting he isn’t one anymore. Only shigure is capable of such salt!

Silent Anger: looking at akito as she rants abt him not coming to her first! not choosing her first. while she’s the one who didn’t choose him. “you’re one to talk” Epic!! “ what do you want from her?” shigure had no right intruding on kureno’s business with tohru. but he’s too angry to behave. Kureno answers like a good boy.

Refusing to play blind: hatori looking for excuses for akito’s behavior within the curse’s lore. Shigure fires back with “haven’t u ever felt sth off with kureno?”. They all did. “ Ah~at long at last” not even waiting for kureno to say first.

Sticking his finger in open wounds: “don’t accept it?scared? sad? emotionally attached to the bond?” Verdict: “devious” he’s calling out  hatori & kureno both!

Embracing himself with no regrets: “ weak, intolerant, worthless, worst kind of man”. He embodies his own description of himself as he talks to kureno over the phone & sends tohru. “ see you later” only the worst kind of man uses tohru like that. sending her with no clue to an emotional shock. He wants the situation to escalates. He’ll use tohru if he have to. Let’s see if kureno’s “kindness” spares tohru the pain or if it tears her heart apart as it has been tearing everybody, kureno induced!

-Akito’s manipulating tactics start to backfire:

“ I speak cruelly of you, You know I don’t say it out of spite” very typical sentence abusers say to further their grasp around others. Insult them cruelly, then play the kind apologetic card. It makes the other person linger longer. “X didn’t meant it. X actually cares. X just lost control”. It happens in domestic abuse cases all the time.. it never changes..it never stops. Akito knows when she’s loosing her grip on someone. she feels it. Her ego doesnt let her acknowledge it. However, seeing akito’s innocent young self humanized her so much. She wasn’t despicable since birth as we’ve seen in yuki’s flashback, but here she was even more innocent than with yuki. Could it be cuz it’s from kureno’s perspective? someone older than her? or she treated older male zodiacs differently. Akito knew kureno’s curse broke as he himself did. hmm. it’s the bond, so the ruler does have a connection with the zodiacs. Akito fearing kureno’s abandonment is understandable. Akito using tears, screams, pleads & frantic behavior, “so typical of spoiled children” to get kureno to stay. It is a working tactic. A tactic that abusive adults use in toxic relationships so much & works to trap the other party to stay. Stay with me cuz you pity me, yes, but I’m the one on control. Keeping in mind akito’s age here, she looks 6? 10 maximum! is really twisted. Akito learned early one that manipulation works. She gets what she wants by playing games, whether it’s tears, pity, rage, ridicule, mockery, bets, humiliation, or sexual seduction. It reinforces her behavior that nothing can stand between her & her desires. curse or no curse. If she can keep a  non-cursed person, then the cursed ones are way weaker to leave. This, off course doesn’t justify her abusive behavior with yuki/ kyo/ momiji/ kisa/ rin/ haru/ hatori but today, we got a small window open into her psyche. The best “antagonist” is someone with irrational behavior that stems from twisted mindset! She is so interesting!

-Kureno & ( the most destructive foolish traveler):

So, kureno stayed with akito cuz he can’t turn a sad, lonely, fragile child away. Can’t bear to break her heart. The child became a woman. The woman needed him in bed, he can’t turn a sad lonely woman away. He gave in & their relationship became even more twisted with the complexity of intimacy issues. Kureno said “ arisa is the first person he ever loved on his own”. meaning that he slept with akito using the remaining feelings of attachment of his previous bond. EXACTLY as shigure said while questioning hatori’s refusal to believe the curse can break“ emotionally attached to the bond”. He continued this unbalanced sexual affair with her. completely submissive to her moods & whims. Unbalanced relationship cuz both stayed together for twisted reasons “unable to let go”, She has control over him since she’s the family head, over even his freedom outside the house, He is willingly submissive to her, choosing to not seek his happiness,  not standing up & denying her, or stopping her or telling her sth as simple as “ i want to go out to the supermarket”. content & satisfied with his dull, lifeless life. Until akito “ the sad child/ the sad woman doesn’t need him anymore??? but kureno can see that him staying by akito’s side didn’t do shit to improve anybody’s situation!!! Akito is still miserable! even before tohru appears in their lives. all the zodiacs were miserable & united in a toxic fake bond. The bond is so fake that all this time there was a fake imposter & no one dared to question. They’re so accustomed to submissive obedience that they don’t dare to hope. Only shigure. The intolerant jerk saw through it all.

-Kureno is a different kind of foolish traveler. He helped no one. Not even the person he gave his eyes to, Akito didn’t benefit from his kindness. He didn’t benefit, nor arisa, nor any zodiac. What kureno’s kindness brought him is misery. What it brought the sohma’s is enabling abuse & continuation of current toxic atmosphere. He is a more sever enabler than hatori. Hatori enabled the continuation of the curse by erasing memories & staying by akito’s bed tending for her with no life of his own. But hatori knows he’s a sinner & hatori is still chained by the bond. Kureno is free to leave. Yet, he’s still here deceiving everybody & suffering alone while pretending to be content with fake smile. Was Kureno raised to always follow orders? No personality. No needs. Still, he decides to continue even after given a chance to leave now!!!! he lost the first chance due to a promise he made while he was afraid, lonely & felt pity. Now, he knows someone there loves him (arisa), he has a new friend (tohru), someone flat out told him to freakin leave (shigure). Still, he feels that causing akito to break down & cry is cruel. The most passive character in the shows I’ve watched!! Kuteno is another proof of this brilliant writer! there are many kureno’s around us. hurting themselves & others by staying in the cycle of abuse. The writer is really brilliant for writing such variety of characters. Who cares if fans find him appealing or not? hot or dull? good or bad? that’s not the issue here. He fits the plot so amazingly & realistically represents real life ppl who are caught between causing immense harm & being severely harmed, between helping & ruining! Kureno just closed his own caged tight shut behind him. so foolish, so tragic!

Side Notes:

Momiji pulling tohru to his level to tell her abt his achievement is cute! I was told he’s supposed to be taller than tohru now! can’t wait to see that!

Momiji’s been dressing more mature for a while, such as the violin ep, ep24 & now. All three tops while still having so much decorations, a hint of feminine designs are still in tune with momiji’s funky spirit! Also they are NOT toddler-like clothes! at all. I’m convinced it is done on purpose!! baby is growing!

I love dark shigure!! OMG! the story take a whole other level once he turns dark & turns off the goofy mode, activating the bitter mode! He was raw with no mercy & unveiled hatori’s hidden feelings with no hesitation. He tore kureno like a vicious dog! I LOVE.

Akito’s Japaneses VA is queen! & shigure’s Japaneses VA is so amazing!! can’t wait for his American VA!!! he’s one of my faves!

the bond breaking visuals are perfect! 10/10. No words needed.

tohru does have a women’s intuition! She is the most emotionally intelligent & socially perceptive character in furuba, just as long as it’s not abt herself. XD

tohru had a flashback within a flashback! lol. flashback inception!

they gave tohru a lil bit bigger boobies than usual!! my girl is maturing, too? =D

The scene of kureno & akito’s innocent childhood & the curse lifting being cut & inserted all over the ep is EPIC!! 10/10 presentation. It gave the ep eerie & distorted feel. Exactly as both kureno & akito felt. 

The scenes of tohru realizing sth is off with kureno’s curse is 10/10.

“ how did the curse break?” tohru’s first question! wow! I thought it was good for you, I’m happy, then ask afterwards. But NO. Interesting!!!!

I love that there is NO explanation of why the curse broke!!! I hope there is NEVER any explanation!! plz don’t let it be sth magical kureno did without noticing or anything. Let it either be random to keep the suspense as we wouldn’t know who’s is next or let be sth abt the bond somehow. But not sth tohru herself needs to do!

I still don’t understand kureno much, but I find him well-written for the reasons mentioned in my post. As for akito, I still don’t know much abt her. I doubt I’ll like her easily. But I can feel that her part in the story would be so amazingly entertaining!!

Shigure is the most unique furuba character hands down!!!!! this unbelievably entertaining jerk! is hot too.

[brvdleymilligan]

HLO slinks in thru a bead curtain.......... truly sry this took me so long to concoct bt i’m here now, hand on hip, smiling coyly at u all...... i’m nai n i’m rly excited to b here so i’ll just dive right in!! u can find bradley’s pinterest board here n her muse tag here. like this or hmu for plots!

[ cis female, she/her, margaret qualley , twenty-four ] i can’t be sure, but i think i just saw BRADLEY MILLIGAN drive onto the parkway. don’t they know we’re not supposed to be driving on that haunted road right now? maybe it has to do with the fact that they’re so +RESILIENT and -VOLATILE that makes them feel UNPHASED about everything going on. i guess we could also chalk it up to the fact that they’re always reminding me of LEMON IN A FRESH CUT, THE AMBER BLINK OF AN ANGRY ALLEY CAT, GRINNING WITH BLOOD ON YOUR TEETH. either way, i hope they get back safely. [ nai, she/her, 24, gmt ]

aesthetics: singeing a hole in your fishnets with the cherry of a menthol, spitting a pistachio behind the bar just to hear it ping off the nozzle top bottles, lemon in a fresh cut, a war torn poppy standing alone in an empty field, pressing thumbs to yellow bruises, stomping over flowerbeds when there’s a path right besides it, dangling over ledges just to feel your chest jolt, a snarling rottweiler that needs muzzling, limp feet poking out behind a door, ‘I PROMISE I DON’T BITE’ scrawled on a name tag, slapping a bald head in front of you at the cinema like it’s a bongo, not owning a single jacket that isn’t stolen, driving a stranger’s car down the wrong lane against the screaming traffic, hair more feral than a wolf cub and eyes smudgier than a coal mine.  

BACKGROUND:

ok SO. her father owns a strip club in crescent hill named no angels. it’s kind of.... a seedy establishment i won’t lie. hs a red glowing sign like it’s lighting up a window in amsterdam. cigarette butts floating in oil slick puddles outside. unsavoury characters crawling all over like rats in a sewer. despite this it’s a legitimate business on the surface of things n it does pretty well in trade. it’s like.... that place people warn u NOT to have ur bachelor party at unless u fancy urself the type tht willingly enters a lion’s den bt tht almost??? adds to the allure in a way??? ppl r like wow so sketchy it’s the thrill of a lifetime........ i mean run while u still can bt go off i guess

it isn’t Confirmed Public Knowledge bt it’s pretty heavily implied thru the rumour mill that bradley’s father is the head of a gang of rly............ Not Nice people. all the ppl that work for him u would hands down NOT want to run into in a dark alley. while things seem legitimate on the suface it’s pretty clear they’re into shady dealings n the townsfolk that suspect that would indeed b correct! the club’s a front for a drug business n they’re also washing n running counterfeit cash thru it. they probably also have their hands dipped into a few other local businesses to run their cash thru these too n keep it all seemingly by the books so nobody comes sniffing around. they even r friends with a member of local law enforcement that’s working w them for a cut so they honestly have all bases covered to keep things airtight n foolproof. perhaps a business in reed too which bradley oversees bt i haven’t given this Too Much thought as of yet??

so ya she’s grown up fairly local most of her life n would maybe be known around town as such.................. the milligans r certainly Interesting as far as families go so like. it honestly wldn’t surprise me if ppl nudge elbows when they see one of them coming n immediately walk in the opposite direction. just quite an intimidating presence...... they’re like caged animals where ur specifically instructed NOT to stick ur fingers between the bars bc they WILL bite

on a more personal note her dad is pretty much the worst human being alive n bradley hs like….. a lot of issues with herself as a result of years of toxicity n abuse

in terms of more family bkground info her mum’s name was alyssa n she vanished when bradley was 12. jst like…. into thin air. nothing. no note. zilch. gan! n when bradley asked her dad abt it his response was essentially “guess she didn’t love us enough to stay”. as bradley’s got older tho n become (without intention) more involved in the business side of things, it’s become pretty clear there was far more to the story.

(abuse tw) they had a horrible marriage n tony ws emotionally manipulative at the best of times, violent at worst, which didn’t help the fact tht alyssa ws struggling a lot w severe depression n rly just… not in the mindset to b dealing w anything else, even where motherhood ws concerned. bradley p much… would look after her a lot n they’d both b scared of her dad n it was just a whole unhealthy mess.

(death implied tw) anyway im rambling bt basically tony (bradley’s dad) gt wind of alyssa sleeping w men tht worked fr him n he just… got rid. bradley���s kind of worked out over the yrs tht her mum didn’t jst leave on her own accord n tht something must hav happened to her bt she’s too scared of her dad to ever directly accuse him

when her mum went all of her dad’s cruelty pretty mch got channelled straight onto her. it ws diluted between two before bt as u can probably imagine her upbringing was jst…. a steep downhill decline

(drugs implied tw) she learnt ways 2 deal w the incurring trauma bt they weren’t healthy ones at all! bsically jst. will do or take anything fr the distraction. chases a thrill like it’s the only way to remind her she’s alive. has absolutely no regard fr her own wellbeing n often gets other ppl in trouble too bc she’s so insatiably reckless

(hospitalisation tw) she hd….2 separate stints of psychiatric hospitalisation n she never tlks abt it. like ever. acknowledging she’s been vulnerable is her worst nightmare n bc of the way her dad raised her she always thinks any sign of struggling within herself is weakness. truly does…. not kno how to properly emotion

CUT TO!!!! the present. she’s currently living at the motel which is like. the least homely place she cld ever live rly but bradley loves making her life uncomfortable n doesn’t rly believe in growing sentimentally attached to anything if she cn help it <3 probably gets into arguments all the time w her neighbours it’s a whole thing.... atrocious at feeding herself has breakfasts frm the vending machine like her organs aren’t screaming fr vegetables.... plays music too loud n sometimes vanishes for days at a time without a word. she’s a lot.

i honestly feel like the murders haven’t rly phased bradley too hugely....... i won’t lie she probably genuinely is like. oh maybe it’s smthn to do w my dad. n just blinks the other way not rly that phased. on some subconscious level i think she rly just thinks........ death follows her wherever she goes n is like. this is just life for me! kind of depressing. holds her hand bt then screams n pulls away when she inevitably bites me.

PERSONALITY:

the kind of sour cherry only certain people have a taste for

once drank a bottle of whiskey, insisted she could still do a cartwheel and accidentally kicked an old man’s front tooth out in the process. proceeded 2 collapse into a flower bed and laugh so much abt it that she cried

barely takes anything seriously 50% of the time and is angry the other 50%

if she was a coffee she’d be black with five grains of sugar that you couldn’t taste until the last sip

(alcoholism tw) high functioning alcoholic. if u ever see her w a coffee cup u jst kno tht one sniff will confirm high alcohol percentage. honestly idk hw she does it her liver must b yellin

loyal to a point of fault. if she cares abt u (rare) and u murder a man in cold blood (not so rare in the broad scheme of bradley’s life) she’ll brawl anyone that says ur guilty

honestly wld probably fight a person over anything. sometimes she’ll jst be having a bad day n she’ll burst n take it out on whoever says the wrong thing. minefield!

has the worst luck in romance…. ever. ALL her past bfs hav been absolute beasts n as a result she has the ‘romance is dead n love is a lie’ mentality. definitely NOT a romantic. very cut n dry abt these things. sex is mostly just sex n she’d kind of scoff at anyone that wanted more from her

mostly wears stolen clothes from strangers and jackets that swamp her. huge chunky stomping boots with steel toe caps that would RLY bruise if they gave u a kick. hair is p much always a wild mess n she usually hs kind of smudgy/smoky makeup bcos apparently she’s allergic to combs and generally looking presentable… relatable content. the only time she rly looks put together is when she has to do something/go somewhere/see someone on behalf of her father....... he kind of uses her as a sort of. honey pot sometimes fr shit his gang get up to it’s like. not! a way u should ever utilise ur daughter but :/ i cannot stress enough how much i wna drop kick him in the neck

she’s v sarcastic. blunt. kind of has a habit of…. assessing a person n she’s quite perceptive bc she’s been trained to b by the way she always has to monitor her dad’s expression fr the slightest emotion change. she’s very confident n can p much mke a conversation out of whatever if she feels like it. independent too like she hs a bunch of (predominantly surface connection) friends bt she doesn’t care abt going out places alone n does this often. she’s probably kind of known around town bt itd b a 50/50 balance between bein known as intimidating n bein known as that one girl tht always gets into anarchy

likes: drunken snow angels that drag on so long they flirt with pneumonia, stealing cars, throwing watermelons off rooftops to watch them explode, shooting pedestrian’s with bb guns from hidden spots on rooftops. 

dislikes: telling the truth, tulips so yellow it’s like they’re gloating, playing music loud enough to fry your brain and serve it on a piece of toast, going home.

PLOTS:

someone tht works at the ‘no angels’ strip club?? either as a dancer or bartender or whtever. just a forewarning it’s probably gna b a pretty….. seedy and Not That Pleasant environment bc it’s like. a crime hotspot inevitably bc it’s a gang hangout so. ur chara wld truly be in fr a rollercoaster ride to say the least

(drugs tw) she deals coke fr her dad’s gang so perhaps ur muse buys off her

anyone….. she’s brawled in the past like. she’s literally a menace i cnt express this enough. wil jst randomly throw a drink in someone’s face fr no reason bc she’s bored. she’s probably pissed off 1000 diff ppl in 1000 diff ways. the possibilities r endless n i jst think tht’s a sexy prospect!

fwbs perhaps??? exes??? (probably ws a tumultuous relationship honestly bradley is. a handful...... it’s also rly not often she ties herself down tbh so this would maybe have to b discussed/be circumstantial/kind of rare)

mayb someone tht she met at an aa meeting when she hd to go fr a court mandated thing one time after bein arrested fr public indecency. i feel like there’s probably a rly expensive statue somewhere thts fancily sculpted n she like. did a flying kick n broke the dick of it off n gt arrested fr it

ppl she……. Goes Wild Goes Crazy w. truly jst the most self destructive person alive so anyone w a similar mindset wld b a hellish bt fun combination

on the contrary a gd influence cld b nice perhaps? like someone tht genuinely cares abt her n she jst doesn’t kno hw to compute it

maybe people who r her neighbours that live at the motel too??

OH it could b fun if ur muse runs or works at a local business maybe like. a bar? idk? n bradley n ur muse have developed a rapport bc she frequents the place n is................ a Character

um. honestly the world’s our oyster. hmu n we cn brainstorm if none of tht catches ur eye!

[clearbluuwater]

cardigan is (roughly?) inspired by Harry. Here's my reasons why.

Disclaimer: I never shipped Haylor and all this has nothing to do with shipping them. Nothing about this theory or the song says anything that's against Jaylor. But a happy relationship doesn't wipe your past away, and this song is memories and past experiences used to make a fictional story come alive, bc this theory doesn't mean I'm against cardigan being part of the triangle either. We all agree on that don't we? And in general, folklore is truth and fiction mixed up together to the point you can't tell the difference.

1. "This song is about a lost romance and why young love is often fixed so permanently within our memories. Why it leaves such an indelible mark." - Taylor in the cardigan chat

Idk about you guys but I think Harry was one of her more important relationships, if not the most, and if she's writing about young love's mark, she probably used some of her experiences for the song to have such strong feelings. Hearing stuff ppl wrote about things they haven't felt doesn't hit as hard.

2. The mv. The parallels we all saw. The water flowing out of the piano. The drowning part. Yeah all that. Now I also saw sth else in the mv which gave me major 1989 vibes, and that was the ending. Ever noticed how SHE is the one putting on a cardigan at the end? Considering the lyrics she's singing, it looks a lot like "she lost him but found herself and somehow that was everything".

3. Peter losing Wendy. Now this is based off of a personal opinion, but I didn't ship Haylor bc I'd see their pictures walking together and Taylor could be his babysitter🤦‍♀️ Come on guys, he was 18 and Taylor was 22. Taylor looked so mature compared to him, and the gap was a lot in that age. 31 and 27 could possibly work for a couple but in their relationship of the time one side was still a teenager and the other was a young adult. So to me the stuff about James still acting immature while Betty is growing up could also be inspired by Harry.

4. James cheated. Now as I said, folklore is a mix of truth and fiction so this part may just be fiction, or even inspired by memories of another relationship of Taylor's, but since I recalled hearing sth about Harry cheating before, I jumped into the lovely media and came across several articles, basically all the same thing, about a picture of Harry kissing another girl and how a "source" has confirmed Harry cheated on Taylor. Apparently Harry's side said the source was lying, tbh Idk what exactly happened bc I wasn't around at the time. I got to know Taylor right before 1989, and the stuff I said about seeing their pictures was also after they broke up. But still, apparently there's a chance he cheated.

Ok that's all I remember rn and I don't think anyone is gonna see this on here unless they wanna curse me for "still shipping Haylor", so once again: Taylor is with Joe and she's happy and it's straight up rude to post pictures of her and her exes and caption it "i miss them😭". It has noth to do with you for you to be the one to "miss them" istg y'all get too drowned in social media you didn't even know them in person to be able to miss them and even if you did it would still be NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS. She basically says she would give Joe a child, move on (from a relationship that wasn't yours lmao) and be happy for her. K bye.

Update: I remembered sth else I wanted to put in this list. S02, E08 of Friends, Phoebe sings a song about 3 "fictional" characters and names one of them Betty (Ikr?? This woman!). But they weren't fictional. So it wouldn't surprise me if Betty, James, and the girl from august aren't completely fictional either.

[kellyvela]

Love your blog💕 what would you say to the ppl who think GRRM didn’t write Fire and Blood as a precaution/warning about the Targaryens? IMHO it’s pretty blatant that he’s anti-Targ restoration but I see Targ fans saying the contrary and using quotes he’s said about relating to Dany in the aspects of not having a home, etc. Plus the fact that he’s made a whole book about them and they’re having their own prequel show (😩🙄).

Hi! Thanks Anon :D

About Targaryen restoration, I always wondered WHY and HOW so many people in the fandom firmly believe that ASOIAF is mainly about House Targaryen and its restoration. And because of that belief I had to read words like these: “The notion that Daenerys Targaryen and her House are not the collective heroes of this saga is ignorant to the point of idiocy.” Or I had to watch and listen to certain very popular spoiler youtuber saying that “if GOT doesn’t end in Targaryen restoration, the story has no sense”.  This person even claimed several times in his videos that GRRM himself has affirmed that ASOIAF is in fact about House Targaryen and its restoration. And I always was like: HOW? WHERE?

Apparently GRRM once said that ASOIAF was about “the return to glory of a great family”, so people immediately thought that that great family was House Targaryen…     

I don’t have the original source for that, but if GRRM has specifically said that ASOIAF is about “the return to glory of a great family”, that family is no other than HOUSE STARK; because even if he doesn’t use the exact same words, GRRM has actually said several times over the years that THE STARKS are the heart/center/main characters/heroes of the story. And this affirmation has been supported by Bryan Cogman and even D&D in several interviews/events. 

About GRRM relating to Dany and House Targaryen, let’s read those quotes:  

From an early age George was aware of a lost fortune on his mother’s side of the family, the Brady family, who once owned a successful construction business, a dock and a grand house, all lost in the Great Depression of 1929. “I had a walk past that house every day on my way from the projects on 1st Street to 5th Street, and it’s like, well, that used to be our dock, that used to be our house. Now we don’t have a house, we don’t have a yard, but I had always had the sense of, yeah I’m poor, but I come from royalty, or I come from greatness that somehow was destroyed by the depression, by corrupt politicians, by things like that. So maybe that gives me a little of the emotional temperament to understand somebody like Daenerys Targaryen.

Sources: [x] [x] [x]

More recently, while promoting Fire & Blood Vol. I, he repeated this part of his personal story with these words:

“From my mother’s stories, I always had this kind of sense that I was like disinherited royalty. Here was this dock that my great-grandfather built, it wasn’t ours anymore. Here was this house that my mother had been born in, we didn’t own this house anymore. We didn’t own any house, we had an apartment. So it was like, ugh, I came from greatness, like Dany! And (talking with a voice and tone similar to one of Dany’s outburst and banging the table) ‘I will take back what is mine with Fire and Blood!’ HAHAHAHAHA. So I think on some level, that must’ve gotten to me.”

—In conversation: George R. R. Martin with John Hodgman

But when he wasn’t promoting Fire & Blood Vol. I, this is what he said:

The house where my mother had grown up … the house her father Thomas had built (…) the Brady house. But of course it wasn’t. Someone else lived there now, someone we did not know.

I walked past that house twice a day, five days a week, for nine years. And every time I stepped outside my front door, I saw the dock across the street. The dock was surrounded by a chain link fence, but sometimes my friends and I would climb it. From the dock it was easier to reach the oily rocks along the shore when the tide was out. There was a watchman on the dock, though, and if he saw us he’d come out of his shed and shout at us. “Get out of here, you kids,” he’d yell. “You got no business here.” Yes, I do, part of me always wanted to shout back, you’re the one who’s got no business, my great-grandfather BUILT this dock. I was a shy kid, though, so I never said a word.

Sources: [x] [x]

And then I would walk to school; we lived in First Street, my school was on Fifth Street, I would walk to school and I would pass the house that the Bradys had owned. I would pass it twice a day going and coming from school. This big house my mother had been born in and her family had grown up in, but had lost. And other people lived in what had been our house. And I think it always gave me this, this sense of a lost golden age of, you know, now we were poor and we lived in the projects and we lived in an apartment. We didn’t even have a car, but God we were… once we were royalty! It gave me a certain attraction to those kinds of stories of I don’t know, fallen civilizations and lost empires and all of that.

Source: [x]

As you can see, GRRM took inspiration from that part of his personal story and applied it to Dany and House Targaryen. Thanks to that part of his personal story, GRRM can understand Dany to a certain extend (So maybe that gives me a little of the emotional temperament to understand somebody like Daenerys Targaryen); but he is not Dany, he hasn’t dedicate his entire life to re-take his family lost properties with fire and blood. 

And at this point I think is relevant to state that a house is not a home.  

Now, about Fire & Blood Vol. I. After finished reading it I said this:

*GRRM WROTE AN ANTI TARG BOOK*

As if the ASOIAF Books weren’t enough, GRRM gave us Fire and Blood.

He warned us all. He always did. It’s a good day to remember it.

GRRM said it himself: 

Esquire: How will Fire & Blood deepen our understanding of Daenerys and her dragons?

GRRM: This is a book that Daenerys might actually benefit from reading, but she has no access to Archermaester Gyldayn’s crumbling manuscripts. So she’s operating on her own there. Maybe if she understood a few things more about dragons and her own history in Essos, things would have gone a little differently.

—Esquire - 2018

Even though he was promoting Fire & Blood Vol. I, and his interviewers were very enthusiastic about dragons, he wasn’t sharing their enthusiasm: 

GRRM: “People read fantasy to see the colours again,” he says. “We live our lives and I think there’s something in us that yearns for something more, more intense experiences. There are men and women out there who live their lives seeking those intense experiences, who go to the bottom of the sea and climb the highest mountains or get shot into space. Only a few people are privileged to live those experiences but I think all of us want to, somewhere in our heart of hearts we don’t want to live the lives of quiet desperation Thoreau spoke about, and fantasy allows us to do those things. Fantasy takes us to amazing places and shows us wonders, and that fulfils a need in the human heart.”

THEM: And the dragons?

GRRM: “Oh sure, dragons are cool too,” he chuckles. “But maybe not on our doorstep”

—The Guardian - 2018

I mean, he is proud to be named after Saint George The Dragon Slayer: 

John Hodgman: That’s how I can’t sue you, If you steal from history and add a dragon. I can’t sue you.

GRRM: I’m working off my own, you know, karma here, because I’m George, and what’s he known for? He killed the dragon, you know, come on. Come on, I was almost abolished at one point when the Catholic Church was reviewing all the saints, I was terrified that George would be abolished, because they abolish a lot of fiction, I said George is only known for killing a dragon, how can they keep him in, but they did so, that was, that was good.

John Hodgman: I’m glad you stayed anointed.

GRRM: That’s right.

—In conversation: George R. R. Martin with John Hodgman

Here a graphic representation:

And about the Targaryen having their own books (Fire & Blood Vol. I and II) and their own prequel show based on Fire & Blood, let me tell you a couple of things:

Last month GRRM attended an event in London #GRRMLive organized by Harper Voyager UK, and Adam Whitehead, a friend of GRRM, was present in the event and reported this:

Confirmation that Fire & Blood was written by accident: originally it was sidebar material for World of Ice & Fire that got out of control. He wrote hundreds of thousands of words in a few weeks and scared his publishers and had to stop so Elio & Linda could compress it down.

And the first prequel show actually ordered by HBO, that is already in post-production, is not about Targaryens and it has no dragons:

What’s it about? Taking place thousands of years before the events of Game of Thrones, the series chronicles the world’s descent from the golden Age of Heroes into its darkest hour. From the horrifying secrets of Westeros’s history to the true origin of the White Walkers, the mysteries of the East to the Starks of legend, only one thing is for sure: It’s not the story we think we know. [x]

Also, after the news of the “Targaryen prequel”, GRRM himself said this: I do want to point out that “moving closer to a pilot order” is NOT the same thing as “getting a pilot order.” 

So that’s it Anon. GRRM is writing a series of SEVEN BOOKS and THE STARKS are the heart/center/main characters/heroes of the story. Meanwhile Fire and Blood was apparently an accident made of sidebar material…

And to finish this answer, I will leave you with one of my fave GRRM quotes:

Source [x]

[missguomeiyun]

My 1st rice wine - 11 day journey

Sharing my 1st ever rice wine-making experience with you~

Makgeolli is a sweet, rice wine that originated in Korea. I did a loooot of research on it, & I have been thinking about making it for a long time. I really like this drink! I have even been to the hometown of makgeolli - Jeonju City - & tried the “mother makgeolli” there. It’s much sweeter than the commercial stuff! In modern times, the flavours have changed significantly. Now, there’s floral, fruit, & other Asian-inspired flavours like ginseng, jujube, & ginger. I’ve tried several fruit flavours, & I gotta say. .. the original is always the best!

Start with “chapssal” rice, which is a round glutinous rice. I didn’t have the Korean kind, but I have the Chinese equivalent, so I used that. Majority of recipes I’ve read/seen on Youtube start with at least 1kg of rice o_O for a first timer, I didn’t want to commit 1kg of rice to this project... so I used 250g.

Wash the rice (I washed 6x), till the water is not murky. It’ll still be a little cloudy but that’s ok. Then soak for at least 3hrs.

Bcos I didn’t have as much rice than the recipes, I shorted the time to 2.5hrs.

Drain / somewhat ‘dry’ the rice (a little bit of wetness left is acceptable).

I didn’t have a colander with small enough holes for draining the rice.. . so I did it my way, which was using coffee filter.

I basically patted it dry, then gave the rice a mix, & blotted again, etc.. . The reason why I used coffee filter rather than paper towel was bcos I find coffee filter paper more absorbent & has less fibrous material. At the end of the day, whatever works, right?

PS: I have seen ppl using a hand-held mini fan to dry the rice. I don’t know how I feel about that =/ Not that my kitchen is dirty or dusty, but wouldn’t you be introducing particles to the rice??? *shrugs* I don’t know. The idea didn’t work for me.

Let it air dry a bit. This drying process took me a little over 30mins from start to finish.

While the rice is drying, prepare your steaming apparatus. We have one of these 2-level steamers, so I used it (changing it to a 1-level steamer).

Begin steaming time when you introduce the rice to a fully boiling steaming apparatus. Most recipes say 30-40mins, then let cool for ~20mins. I steamed for 25mins, & that is bcos I used a smaller amount of rice. You just need the rice to be fully cooked, right?

*Most ppl used a cheesecloth to wrap the rice, then place it into the steamer. From what I read, the reason was simply a ‘convenient’ one since sticky rice sticks to bowls & such - using a cloth allowed for easier clean-up / transferring of the steamed rice to another thing. .. therefore, no, a cheesecloth is not needed. I used the same metal steaming dish to steam my rice.

Cooling...

Flip the rice over a few times to loosen it up. Then dry thoroughly - as in the outside of the grain should be hard, but the inside should still be chewy/soft.

*Maangchi uses a dehydrator. Other ppl just let it sit out for x hrs. .. Some overnight! I chose the overnight option - mainly bcos I started this project too late in the day so by the time I finished steaming, it was almost 9pm...

Good morning!  Here’s the rice after ~12hrs of drying. I think it matches the description of hard exterior & soft interior.

1st thing you wanna do during/after the drying of the steamed rice is sterilizing your equipment that you’re about to use! This is important for obvious reasons but long story short, you don’t want your fermentation/brewing vessel to have contamination.

I sterilized 2 diff glass jars bcos I wanted to see which one would work better (for the future makings hehe). After sterilizing, dry & let it cool.

Here’s the *mystery* part that determines whether or not my project will work out or not :S :S :S :S :S  ...

Koreans use an item called “nu-ruk” for making makgeollis. When you are somewhat of a trilingual (lol!), sometimes it gets confusing. .. I was unable to find nu-ruk at Hmart =( I searched online for what the English name is. .. & lines started blurring. No joke. It got maybe a little worse once I entered the Chinese searches =/ amylase enzyme, yeast, starter culture, “nuruk”, fermentation base... WHAT ?!?!?!?!?!? What are all these things, & what’s the difference?

Last yr some time (bcos I started reading up on making makgeolli last yr), I bought this from T&T - which is ‘rice cake’ .... a term that I never read about lol

To make matters worse, I thought I had understood it, but then when you compare recipes in English, in Chinese, & in Korean (both text & visual versions on Youtube).. . there is discrepancy. & once again, I fell back into the hole of unknowing what these things are.

In brief, I have found the following variations of recipes:

* rice + water + nuruk

* rice + water + nuruk + yeast

* rice + water + ‘culture starter’

* rice + water + “yeast”

... does this mean nuruk = yeast = culture starter? *shrugs* I have no idea.

I have also read somewhere that nuruk is a combo of yeast & culture starter(s)? Whaaaaaaa... !!

Anyway, I only have this ?nuruk. Chinese ppl use this to make rice wine, & it looks almost identical to Korean makgeolli. Even the procedural aspect of it.

Instead of nuruk being the sole 3rd item for makgeolli, this ‘rice cake’ is the 3rd item for rice wine....... Welps, let’s roll with this & see what we get!

Crush the rice cake balls.

I used 4 balls, which was ~40g total, & then added 10 tbsp cooled boiled water. Please note that the ~40g was a last minute amount that I had decided on bcos. .. I honestly have no idea what this really is & diff recipes say diff things, including the amount so.. . whatever. Do not use warm or hot water as this will “kill” the effects of this powder (nuruk/yeast/culture starter).

Mix into a paste.

~150mL of water. Be sure to use cooled boiled water instead of filtered water. I believe filtered water is not ideal for making rice wine bcos it contains microorganisms as well as chloride. Anyway, either use distilled bottled water or boiled water.

Mix in the dried rice.

Put in fermentation vessel; remember to leave an opening for it to breathe, otherwise, it’ll create a “bomb” lol (remember by kimchi bomb from a few months ago?!)

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Day1: ...not looking right? I don’t know; the rice is like all dry, & the water is all soaked up........

Day2: I have some moisture inside the container, & I’m seeing a little bit of water.

Day3: :D This is looking much better!! So the “yeast” or whatever I added (the ‘rice cakes’) takes some time to kick in. Bcos it’s day 3, I gave it a stir, & more water was ‘released’ from the rice. The liquid is a little cloudy; & the smell is . .. legit!

Day5: More liquid content YAY! Honestly, it wasn’t until day 5, where I felt a bit at ease that fermentation was happening. So don’t worry if for the 1st few days it doesn’t look right.. . give it some time.

Day 7: Wowwwww more liquid, stronger scent. When I stirred it, I felt the rice had turned really soft. It’s like mushy, almost.

Day 9: This was after stirring- a milky white liquid. Some sources talk about seeing 3 visible layers... I did not. That being said, I felt pretty good about this since everything else is working out. You can also hear loud-ish popping sounds from the gas formation.

Day 10: It is looking ready!

The final look on day 11! Look at those beautiful holes on the sides of the container :D

Part 2 of this project coming up next!

[locktobre]

hey remember awhile back when I said I had to look back at After and try to make sense of the timeline based on what I said in the text? I found the notes I made. when I tell you I was extremely vague I mean EXTREMELY

however, in my past self’s defense, the plot of After was originally going to stretch out much longer, over several months, until I decided that was stupid and I didn’t feel like just writing filler while everyone was tensely waiting to be killed, so I just lopped off all that time. (this is also when I dropped a number of different subplots I had been trying to set up, bc it just felt unnecessary.)

obviously, this left me with a bit of a mess on the back end, but I kind of just tied that up by establishing how much time had passed in chapter 20, which was precisely why I did that. plus it gave me the opportunity to have Erika make a meta joke about feeling like that happened “years ago” bc I do that shit whenever I can, altho usually thru Arsenio. and also it was meta in another way, calling back to the fic’s origins of much more domestic drama that has fallen entirely by the wayside as the Preminger plot has unfolded.

originally, Erika’s ladies were going to come in much earlier, as above, bc everything else was going to happen more slowly... they have names and personalities and backstories, and have for years! there’s 5 of them! but as I cut things down I didn’t know where to put them, since the story became less about Erika adjusting to being queen and more about the other stuff. (Anneliese had ladies, too, but they may or may not ever show up. they’ll be mentioned in The Tower, if nothing else, tho.) I still kinda don’t know where to put them, if I’m honest, but it’ll be fine, I’m not too worried about it.

god, it’s so weird thinking about stuff I had planned back then. like, when Erika mentioned back in chapter 4 that she was going to sit for a portrait “next month,” Arsenio was going to be the one to come in and paint her, as a way to get into the castle. I even almost reused that as him pretending to have come a few weeks early, altho obviously I didn’t, but I do have a partial draft of that chapter that features him trying it. I didn’t use it partly bc I decided it was stupid to do it that way, and partly bc it’s way funnier to have Arsenio just walk up with no plan at all and still get in.

anyway, that’s why I usually give my meta lines to Arsenio, bc when he says anything could have happened to get us to this point it’s like, no really, it could have. y’all have have no idea how many plotlines I’ve gone thru and discarded just in working on this. (no joke, today I opened a document from 2015 that had me suggesting a Marisol redemption arc. spoiler alert, that’s not going to fucking happen. not least because I find her delightful as a remorseless villain.)

sometimes I still wonder if paring down the domestic stuff was a good move, or if ppl miss it, altho it’s kinda late at this point to bring it back (I’m trying not to do huge chunks of exposition... but it’s also necessary sometimes)... altho, depending on your interpretation, seeing as a lot of this fic hinges on a past abusive relationship, things aren’t necessarily less domestic. it’s still largely interpersonal relationships and trying to find ways to live your life, just... not the same as it once was. 

regardless, I actually like that it’s more streamlined now. of course, I’ve been writing this fic for 7 years, and I’m an entirely different person than I was when I started, so some change is inevitable. I’ve had a lot of myself tied up in this fic for a long time, so I’m sad to see it nearing its end, altho at the same time, excited to finally move on from it and onto new projects. not as in forgetting, bc that’s impossible, just being able to work on other stuff without feeling guilty that I have something else waiting for me. it’ll be a whole new era and I can’t wait.

[do-what-the-knight-tells-you]

Elements from the Broadchurch novelization that were of particular interest::

- Ellie is a bit uncomfortable returning to work because her “suit feels strange after three weeks in a bikini and sarong”. You go get it, Ellie. Anyone wanting to write confident-and-body-positive-knows-she’s-got-dem-curves Ellie, here’s your semi-canonical backing. mother of two, rockin’ a bikini. Excellent.

- Although the division of work/responsibility between her and Joe worked for them, Ellie Worries that ppl will “think he is emasculated”, or that he will begin to feel “emasculated”, so while “the other wives are on the phone begging their husbands to come home in time to put the kids to bed, she is virtually throwing him out of the house and into the pub”, really trying to encourage him to hang with the guys or whatever, whenever the opportunity presents itself.

- Hardy is already on the edge when we first see him, talking to the farmer whose tractor has had its gas siphoned. He’s carefully staying away from the edge of the cliff, scared it’s going to induce vertigo and heart palpitations.

- The sections that are a close POV on Hardy have way more detail about the Sandbrook case than was originally clear in S1 (I assume, because the book was published after the bulk of the writing/story construction stuff was finished for S2). For instance, When Hardy is first inspecting Danny’s room, he’s struggling, trying not to think about [Pippa]’s room (she’s not named here, but it’s clear that’s the child he’s referring to). in the midst of this turmoil, he notices the height measurements on danny’s doorframe, and is overcome by the realization that there will never be any more above them. And then there are these heart-wrenching sentences: “For some people, tears dam behind the eyeballs. But when Hardy wants to cry, he has to hold them in using the back of his throat. He sometimes feels it’s the only strong muscle in his body.” yeah, c’mon, just fuck me up.

- Maggie being into women is present from the beginning here! She has a partner, Lil, whom we see/meet several times! First time she is referenced is when Rev. Paul Coates invites Maggie and everyone to that first church service about Danny. She mentions that a predecessor of his made it clear she was unwelcome there, once. He assures her that’s not him, and that she is welcome, and Lil too. She says something like “as it should be, “ and ends the convo without indicating whether or not she will come. Excellent.

- At one point the inside of Ellie’s car is compared to the inside of a bin/trash can, with empty cans and food wrappers strewn about. This further reinforces my theory that Ellie and Alec need each other to balance out their eating habits to something actually healthy. He eats very well, as far as nutrition is concerned, but he just sort of stops eating when there is work to be done. She is going to eat, goddamnit, come hell or high water, but it is plenty likely to be anything from an entire loaf of bread to whatever the vending machine has. It’s a wonder neither of them has died of malnutrition. (she also makes mention that she’s lost weight, in a probably unhealthy way, by the end of the investigation, and has a sudden realization that she’s maybe kind of, turning into Hardy).

- End of Chapter 17, Ellie offers a hand to help Hardy in or out of a boat, he has a realization “unexpectedly painful” that he cannot remember the last time he held a woman’s hand.

- In general the poor bastard really is constantly on the edge of vertigo and panic attacks.

- Reminds me again, whatever did happen with Ellie’s sister??? did we ever see any kind of furtherance or resolution of her gambling issues in the later seasons?

- Oh Shit. “I didn’t take your money.” The money Joe gave Danny, that SOCCO found taped beneath his bed, that was Ellie’s holiday money, and she assumed her sister had stolen it. Shit. What a shitbag.

- One of Hardy’s favorite things about Tess was the ability to come home, throwing last minute ideas and theories at each other, being able to pass idle thoughts back and forth, turn them over, hear them in a new light, and see what they grow into. (incidentally, exactly what he’s developing with Ellie)

- The exchange between Alec and Ellie after SOCCO Brian hits on her is great here as well. She giggles, he asks her why, she figures she needs to share this with someone, and tells him. she thinks “his face froze in another one of his Does-Not-Compute expressions”. So he seems just as weird to her as to us, does a terrible job hiding the awkward nerd within. And she totally thinks it’s cute. Bet me. Goes on to think, after they talk about SOCCO having dirty hands, “ ‘Dirty Brian’, Hardy says, with a playful roll of the ‘R’ ”. They’re totally playing with each other and it’s adorable. “She thinks to herself that it’s the first moment of genuine humor they’ve had between them, so of course she immediately messes it up.” asking about Sandbrook.

- Oh Shit, Jack’s wife shows up at his funeral. hides her identity the entire time, and Spits in Karen-the-reporter’s face before she gets in a car and disappears again.

- Hardy has a panic attack after calling Daisy and giving up for the night. “I can’t do this, Hardy hears himself say, and the words are followed by an agonizing pain, a huge fist squeezing his heart to the bursting point. He staggers back until he hits a wall, and slides helplessly down it. Hardy assumes his childhood comfort position, knees pulled up to his chest, so close that he can rest his chin there. Experience tells him that he can hold this pose for hours and hours. He remains motionless amidst the debris of his investigation until his heart rate returns to its version of normal. By the time he gets up with a low wheeze and click of joints, it is dark outside.”

- Ellie calls Joe to say she’s still stuck at her desk and she’ll be late, on the night Susan Wright is arrested. He says it’s okay, but she can hear in his voice that it is not. (So, is that the last straw? she keeps staying late, it’s clear that this shit is going to drag on forever, and his family and life are NOT going to return to normal, no matter if he keeps getting away with his crime? And this is the window, his only window maybe, where she might be too busy to intercept if he confesses? This is the opportunity to confess to Hardy, and not her?) because very shortly thereafter (and leaving his kids alone and unwatched???) they receive the call from Danny’s mobile, and they catch him out at the cabin... and holy shit, even knowing it’s her (and he must know it’s her), he slams the cabin door open into her face, probably hard enough to beak her nose, and then minutes later shoves her to the ground so hard the reader spends a moment wondering if she’s broken her wrist.

- AND THE FUCKER TENDERLY PICKS GRAVEL OUT OF THE CUTS THAT NIGHT

- (if someone wanted to write an AU, one where he is also injured that night, and his failure to hide that injury tips her off the next day, or that night, and so she is the one to put together the pieces.... and arrest him? god that would be heartbreaking. But perhaps would enable a situ where she doesn’t beat the shit out of him in custody, thereby invalidating his confession, so that shit actually sticks...)

- When Hardy gives the interview to Maggie and Ollie, the book makes it clear that he expects his confession of being cheated on is going to cause them to regard him with pity and shame. He is embarrassed to have been cheated on. He calls himself a cuckold in his head. poor bastard. so confused when they respond with empathy and admiration for him, and disapproval and dismissal toward his wife.

- Happily, an answer to the argument Jack saw, between the Postal worker and Danny. Turns out, the punk had had his truck keyed, and knew Danny on his paper route was one of the only ppl who would have been out and about at the right time of night/morning to have done it. he confronted Danny, and that’s what Jack witnessed. He comes clean to the police towards the end, insists that that is as far as it ever went, and admits that he lied because he was afraid that having had that argument, having had sort-of-a-motive, that would make him a suspect.

- Fuck, I mean, we all know Joe is dangerous, but talking Danny back off the cliff and back into the house consciously with his paramedic voice, with the kind of experience and calm honed over years of professional work... goddamn, so many ways in which he had power over young Danny.

- The moment she believes Joe could have done it. She says it can’t have been him, because the boat was burned while she was away. He would have had to leave the kids alone while he did it, and he would never take that risk. Hardy confirms that he did, that he left them, and Ellie (immediately believes Hardy, btw) finally truly understands that the moral partner she’s been building a family with no longer exists, if he ever did in the first place.

- Hardy briefly considering telling Ellie about Tess, to empathize with her pain and betrayal, and immediately knowing the situations are too different to be useful. being disappointed in himself for having thought it. pulling on every little bit of experience and training he’s ever had to try to get through the conversation.

- Oh shit. the slug trails. the slug. that little bit of symbolism didn’t feel established in the tv series, she just squishes a slug the last time she enters the house. but in the novel, her merry war trying to find the slug is a constant recurring thing, seeing the trails on the carpet, but never able to find it, the thing only coming out when they’re asleep, Joe cleaning up the slug trails after they come back from vacation. Her staring at them in despair as she cries into the carpet one night, over Danny. and then, after Joe has been revealed, she comes home and there the bastard is, big fat slug that’s been lurking in her house all this time, sitting, glistening, in plain sight. and she squishes the hell out of it. And I was so caught up in the story that, even though I BEEN KNEW how it was gonna end, I never picked up on the fucking foreshadowing until that last moment. Am I just dense, or is it just good storytelling? XD

[gotatext]

PREFERRED NAME — nora. i think i started going by it in like, 2009?? my full name is eleanor but i hated it n thought it was way too pretentious n i never felt like it fitted me so when i started writing on forums i decided i’d be a nora rather than eleanor and then my school friends called me it and it just kinda stuck, the only person who calls me eleanor is my mum

PRONOUNS — she / her / ethereal being beyond comprehension

AGE — 23 but i tell everyone im 21 because even tho time is literally fake im desperately clinging to that fleeting thing we call youth trying to catch it like smoke in my hands

PINTEREST — i actually have two. this one is my main one where i just cram all my shit n i’ve had it for years and some of its super unorganised. then i also have this one which is one i made for exclusively female characters. it started as mythological figures but now its like, women in literature and the occasional oc as well. variety is the spice of life!

DISCORD — lindsay lohan’s meth#8664

TUMBLR (PERSONAL/MUSE/RPH) — i used to be froseths but now im pvrscphones cos ya gal is a fucking whore for mythology 

OTHER SOCIAL MEDIA YOU’D LIKE TO SHARE — oi oi guvna ere’s me twitta. also here’s my letterboxd n my goodreads if anyone still uses tht

MYER-BRIGGS — enfp / infp border .... the classic profile of a lit student

HP HOUSE — hufflepuff, am fuckin mad. 

ZODIAC — libra which is a joke because i am in no way balanced but i guess i AM indecisive and a peacekeeper so?

DO YOU BELIEVE IN ASTROLOGY? — i believe it when it says good shits gonna happen in my life and blame it if bad shit happens but i don’t strongly follow it i just find it interesting

HOW OLD WERE YOU WHEN YOU STARTED RPING ON TUMBLR — maybe like 14?? my first rp blog here is literally so embarassing i wrote as clove from the hunger games n my best friend irl wrote cato :/ it was wild

WHAT YEAR WAS IT? — like 9 years ago?? 2010 maybs

NAME A RANDOM ROLEPLAY THAT STICKS OUT IN YOUR MEMORY — me n my friend ellie made this really cool group the summer before we left for uni which was loosely based on a concept mentioned mayb once in the divergent series, but it gave us loads of freedom to make it our own thing. it was called the fringe n it was like..... this dystopian society where people with different genes were cut off from the rest of society n lived in overrun slum cities where different groups had like, a monopoly over weapons, produce, etc.... my character jack was the leader of this lost-boy-esque tribe called the wolf pack who were hunters n used to run across the rooftops wearing the skins of animals they’d killed and engage in tribal rituals with sacrifices to the gods n shit. sounds lame but everyone there was so invested in their character arcs that it was a shame to see it go. but ! it kind of reached its end point so we blew it up w nukes n they all died. tragic.

WHAT WEIRD ANIMAL WOULD YOU HAVE AS A PET IF IT WAS REALISTIC — a fox?? do ppl keep foxes? idk i’ve always just felt a sense of connection w them like when a fox stares at me im like this shit is life i am living and breathing in this bitch.... visceral

NAME THE FIRST SONG ON YOUR DISCOVER WEEKLY ON SPOTIFY OR THE FIRST SONG THAT COMES ON APPLE MUSIC / ITUNES SHUFFLE — everbody party tonight by cobra man n summer girl by haim..... not my usual stuff but big summer chillin vibes,.....

NAME A BOOK THAT YOU READ IN SCHOOL THAT YOU SURPRISINGLY LIKED — lord of the flies and also the handmaid’s tale. one of assignments was to write a chapter from another character’s perspective n i chose moira

NAME A BOOK YOU HATED THAT MOST PEOPLE LIKED — skellig. fuck off with ur asprin ugly bat man i don’t care. also of mice and men. don’t care about the rabbits or curley’s goddamn wife.

WHAT TV SHOW DID YOU RECENTLY BINGE? — im not a big binger bc i find it jst makes me depressed if i watch tv all day but im nearly finished stranger things season 3 n i recently finished euphoria (big rec but proceed w caution as quite triggering content)

FAVOURITE QUOTE — cool girl speech from gone girl. but also “there’s something dangerous about the boredom of teenage girls” i know its like.... such an overused quote but it really encapsulates this kind of feral girlhood that a few of my characters like bridget n greta have tapped into. i also loved the line “i feel like i could eat the world raw” from song of achilles, that really captures this kind of.... pure n childlike enthusiasm tht i wanna achieve w rory 

LINK TO A VINE THAT EXUDES YOUR ‘ENERGY’ — this is my energy completely am always covered in glitter n staring broodily out of the windows of ubers at 4am like im in the sad bit of an indie film 

DO YOU WRITE OUTSIDE OF RP? WHAT DO YOU WRITE? — uhh.... not as much as i shd.... i want to be a writer so i shd be makin some effort to get my stuff Out Into The World but im just not.... lol. ive done a lot of poetry collections . i wnt to finish a novel @ some point too.

THREE YOUTUBERS YOU STILL TRUST — bold of you to assume i trust any youtubers

A CELEBRITY CRUSH THAT JUST WON’T QUIT — id literally die for saoirse ronan n timothee chalamet :/ chance perdomo also owns my ass. 

EVER MEET A CELEBRITY? SHARE YOUR STORY — i once high-fived dani harmer, the actress who played tracy beaker. today my sister text me tryin to make me guess what celebrity she just saw on holiday in wales and for ages she let me think it was timmothee but it was actually bradley walsh from the chase :/

WHAT’S YOUR PICTURE-PERFECT NIGHT? — i am in a bomb ass crop top and mini skirt, several scrunchies in my hair, glitter all over my face, wearing cowboy boots. we eat dinner in a trendy but affordable pub that doubles up as a cocktail bar n then we drink zombies or sex on the beaches n go to a rave where everyone is on the same wavelength n i share drugs with girls in the toilets and we swap numbers knowing we will never text each other but its ok bc in that moment we feel like we are soulmates and everyone is super drunk n touching everyone else n its all very visceral and we walk through the woods when the rave ends and lie in the grass because we wish to suck out all the marrow of life 

A CONSPIRACY THEORY YOU KINDA BELIEVE IN — princess diana was murdered 

ARE ALIENS REAL? — maybe the real aliens are the friends we made along the way

PLAY ANY PHONE GAMES? WHICH ONES? — love island game im addicted and way too invested in my fictional relationship with bobby, a cartoon

WHAT’S A FILM YOU LOVED WHEN YOU WERE YOUNG AND RECENTLY WATCHED, ONLY TO FIND OUT YOU DON’T ANYMORE — bold of u to assume i remember my childhood. but if we’re talking last 10 years angust, thongs n perfect snogging is so so cringe 

DO YOU COLLECT ANYTHING? — pairs of glasses belonging to other ppl when they break / get new ones even though i can see perfectly well. 

WHAT’S SOMETHING YOU WANT TO LEARN MORE ABOUT BUT YOU’RE TOO LAZY? — mythology...... always a craving and a wish i’d read like ancient texts but my school wasn’t good enough to do greek or latin or any of that shit n even tho i could read english translations i cant be bothered. also criminal psychology

THREE LANGUAGES YOU DON’T SPEAK, BUT WISH YOU COULD — italian, french and latin

MOVIE YOU’VE WATCHED MORE THAN 5 TIMES — ladybird, about time, angus thongs, shrek 2, what we do in the shadows, the history boys, atonement, coraline, the breakfast club, ferris bueller’s day off

NAME A FICTIONAL CHARACTER FROM TV/FILM/MOVIE/GAME/BOOK THAT YOU FIND YOURSELF PROJECTING ON / YOU RELATE TO — cecilia lisbon. rue in euphoria. alison brie in glow. adam parrish in the raven cycle. richard papen. olivia cooke’s character in thoroughbreds. allen ginsberg in kill your darlings. lily in sex education. holliday grainger’s character in the film animals --- i too am an aspiring writer who never writes and just gets drunk instead .

DO YOU FOLLOW ANY SPORTS? WHO DO YOU ROOT FOR? — no. cba

HOBBIES BESIDES WASTING AWAY HERE? — i go to the movies basically every day bcos i work in a cinema. im also a voracious reader n i occasionally do theatre or costume making

PLUG A TV SHOW / MOVIE / BOOK / VIDEO GAME / ETC… YOU WISH MORE PEOPLE WOULD CHECK OUT — where the wild things are (film by spike jonze).  animals. beats. the book fen by daisy johnson and a girl is a half formed thing by eimar mcbride. andy warhol’s biography from a to b and back again

WHOSE BRAIN WOULD YOU LIKE TO PICK, ALIVE OR DEAD? — phoebe waller-bridge on how i get her life. carey mulligan on how she got to be such a good actress n how i can become her. maybs wes anderson. maybs gillian flynn. i tend to listen to podcasts w the ppl i really wanna pick the brains of.

TEAM EDWARD OR JACOB? — edward :/

LAST MOVIE SEEN IN THEATRE — blinded by the light n i lovd it

DO YOU STILL READ? — when i finished uni i kinda got out of the habit but this week i finished two books so ive set myself the challenge of a book a week.

IF SO, WHAT ARE YOU CURRENTLY READING? — i finished song of achilles yesterday n i also finished call me by your name yesterday. started circe by madeline miller today, im also partway through milkman by anna burns and the plays of annie barker

ON A SCALE OF 1-10, HOW MUCH DID YOU HATE FILLING THIS OUT? – 3 i didnt hate it bcos at heart i am self-indulgent and love fashioning some sense of self when i feel lost in a world that is scary and constantly changing 

[clamorbelli]

whaddup . it’s ya boy , skinny penis . ok so there’s not much to put here except hi to any new people that might’ve not seen my intro for noelle & angelo ( CLICK HERE ). i’m jaz, & this here is my newest babe, sebastian higgings. i’ve definitely missed stuff, but underneath the cut u’ll find plenty of fun stuff abt him. and by fun i mean tragic , bc sebastian is a piece of shit. ; )

‹  LIKE THIS OR HMU IF YOU’D LIKE TO PLOT WITH SEB.  ›

TRIGGER WARNINGS  :  death, drugs, alcohol, emotional instability, therapy mentions, unhealthy habits, blood mention.

◟ * ◊ ─  keith powers + cismale + he/him » * believe it or not sebastian belongs to the higgings family. they are 26 years of age and are known to usually spend their time around buena vista apartments. the photographer has been living in victoria for 22 years. the people closest to them describe the bisexual + aquarius to be +inspired and +autonomous as well as -callous and -debauched.

sebastian is the ( current ) eldest son of the late johnathan and sasha higgings, born to the couple when they were happy, in love, and a shining example of what marriage should be. sebastian was a momma’s boy through and through from the day he was born, severe separation issues plaguing his infantdom, only rectified through intense therapy. his bond with his mother, even after finally being convinced she wasn’t the only nice person in the world, never wavered however. they were thick as thieves.

there was never anything remarkable about seb’s childhood except his fondness for the family camera whenever they went on holiday. his parents first believed it was a desire to model, but they soon came to understand it wasn’t being in front of it that seb wanted, he wished to be behind it. from then on they gave him a disposable on every trip, and before long the house was full of his amateur photography.

when he was ten, the unthinkable and unfathomable happened. his mother died. seb had been an entirely normal, average kid up until that point, but part of him died the day his mother slipped away forever. it was impossible for it not too, with the amount of time they’d spent together, his dependency on her at birth, the fact she was his best friend and it didn’t matter what the kids at school thought. as a child, he was ruined, affected for the rest of his life in ways he didn’t quite understand yet.

seb was sixteen by the time victoria was adopted into the family, and his reign of terror on victoria had long since begun. he came home with bloody noses and bruises more times than he could count, he sneered and spat at other kids in the playground, knowing they could do little except beat him to a pulp and have their parents foot the bill. he started drinking all too early, dabbled in drugs no sixteen year old should’ve touched, spent nights away from home, uninterested in the new woman in his father’s life.

victoria, however, was a different story. the pair got on like a house on fire, likely because of their bratty, conniving ways. at that age sebastian was like gasoline and his newfound sister was the match. natalya still had seb’s heart from when they were kids, his sister being the one thing in life he still felt warmth for, but victoria had managed to form a relationship of her own with him. for a while it was them against the world, until cassandra stepped in, pitted the girls against each other, and made life infinitely harder for a boy already on the brink.

he and his father argued daily. blazing rows that ended in smashed kitchenware. seb was losing it but the higgings patriarch failed to see his behaviour as anything more than childish cries for attention. seb didn’t know the empty feeling in his chest wasn’t normal. he didn’t know he shouldn’t play with girls emotions until they cried. he didn’t understand why he only felt things when he was getting into schoolyard fights or looking through the lens of a camera.

seb graduated high school and chose to do an online course for photography, honing his skills whilst remaining close by until his sisters graduated. when they did, he only managed a year without natalya before leaving the city himself, he would miss victoria dearly, but they facetimed every day and skyped properly at the weekends. before he left he told his father to stick his businesses up his ass. he was disconnecting from his legacy. his final words to his father were full of toxicity and rage, as they had been for 12 years now.

he went to new york, cliché and crazy as it may have been, and found a surprisingly immense amount of success. through some ridiculous means, his shots were picked up by a local, renowned photography blog, the owner of the blog also owning a gallery, wishing to display his work. from then on it was up and up. seb travelled the globe, was able to shoot the most incredible places, spent his weeks on planes and trains and on his feet. he had his dream, he made a name for himself, he didn’t need his father.

seb may have had the career of his dreams, but his personal life was a shambles. full of one night stands with no substance, exes that hated his guts, friends who’d found it too unbearable to be around him. he was arrogant, confident in himself to a fault, unable to connect with passion on any level except with his work. he was a riot, a fun guy to be around who was willing to try anything once, but he lacked the ability to form meaningful relationships. people came and went and seb was left, alone, in his fancy apartment somewhere in manhattan. he was as lonely as he was the day his mother had died, things in that regard had never changed.

the phone call he received when victoria died shook him to his core, the male feeling something other than debauchery for the first time in a long time. his father? a fucking waste of space who failed to keep his children safe, but victoria? he flew home just days ago, having one emotional instinct left in him – his brotherly instinct. natalya was still alive and god knows seb was going to lose another member of his family. 

PERSONALITY  :

ok so yeah, seb’s an dick. when i say emotionally unavailable i mean . . . highly, on an unhealthy level that requires some serious therapy. seb lost himself when his mother died and since then he’s been trying to find some solace in these flings he always has but, of course, he never will. he’s apathetic when it comes to people becoming attached to him so tends to be particularly cruel with ppl who get involved w him.

asshole . like, just not . .. a nice person . will point out someone’s faults, will tell u if ur skirt is ugly as fuck, willing to laugh in your face if he thinks what you said is stupid. just doesn’t . . give a f. needs to grow up.

hOWEVERRRR R rr. ofc if he was like that 24/7 he’d never even get people into bed in the first place so he can, of course, turn on the charm. he’s very flirtatious, loves sex and sexually charged conversations. flirting is a hobby for him and it’s one he has fun with. if ur not looking for anything deeper, seb isn’t too bad ig . if you can engage him on things he wants to talk about, keep things chill, not take his dickheadedness to heart, etc, he can be manageable. sort of.

massively confident, but unfortunately it’s justified. he’s beautiful, he’s talented, he’s rich of his own accord, and he’s successful. he’s massively independent, but finds it hard to work in a team.

he’s ! lowkey ! a visionary !!! when it comes to photography he really is that bitch and is genuinely incredible at his job because it’s something he’s actually passionate about. he never turns down the opportunity to photograph, so even though usually he loves money, he’d be willing to do a lot of photography for free whilst he’s back bc ? he just loves doing it, and it reminds him of his mom and how she encouraged him.

uHhh bad habits to the max. the only one of my charas who regularly takes hard drugs and drinks, has a penchant for mdma and is looking into microdosing to help his artistic ability. 

WANTED CONNECTIONS  :

exes from before he moved away

fwbs

best friend, probably only 1 bc . . . intolerable

any kind of connection from before he moved, bc it’s always exciting to see someone again after four years right

enemies lmao

people he knew in new york, if anyone has charas who’ve been there recently

people that were friends with vic

i dunno i’m not good at these y’aLL KNO I LIKE BRAINSTORMING DOMFDOD

give me some angsty shit too

[unproduciblesmackdown]

oh the other day there was this quote “conversations they Thought they were having behind my back” and i was like oh lmao what a mood, Oh the scores and scores of remarks i’ve been aware of that ppl thought i wasn’t....funnily enough sometimes it counts even in terms of things people say to your face, ugh, like, yknow when they make some Joke or say something kind of sarcastically or Sure Jan-ly and you can tell they don’t think you can pick up on it. a joy always

like every other day of my life i think of the stretch of time i was living that Working Homeless life and at the ends of my shifts i’d use my employee discount to get probably my one meal of the day and take it to the corner and sit quietly on my phone so i could use the wifi to talk to buddies & generally taking up one cubic yard of existence, for some reason one or two coworkers would come up with this running joke to be like “you’re still here? go home” lmao and im like, well what would i say to that anyways? mind your own business is what i should have said lol but like. they werent even necessarily trying to be outright Mean but it was still like, the vibe that b/c they didnt think i would Get a joke at my expense just cuz i didnt respond, the Amusement of subtly picking on the weird kid or whatever, etc. and i’d be like well i am getting my calories up so im not fatigued tomorrow and engaging with the outside world the one way i really can and im putting off going outside a little longer because its winter.....not like i can be like “cant go home b/c i dont have that” b/c i didnt know it wouldntve gotten me fired and i wasnt like, embarrassed, but i know v well plenty of people would suddenly take the bar exam and get judgy and i was already dealing with enough weird lowkey contempt from randos, thanks. my only friends were The Other Gays and a couple managers who both transferred and a handful of other people and then on the other end of the spectrum you had the sorts of people like the one who said “wow can’t believe you let him do that” when i was sexually assaulted like 10 min before my shift started so i was all pissed off and stressed when i came in and later called me an idiot like several times way too seriously while i was taking a minute to reverse engineer the entire ice dispensing chute without being able to see what i was doing, or the guy who was weirdly an ass to like, everyone always, who “””accidentally””” called me the wrong name after seeing my legal name One Time months and months into everyone knowing me by my actual name.......i had Such a weird time, jobs are so unnecessarily shitty sometimes with like, none of it hinging on what you actually do.......the piece de resistance was the new gm pulling some real shit with me once and i shouldve walked out right then especially since i had to quit like 3 weeks later lol, i never quit a job rudely enough. always shouldve inconvenienced them even harder one last time. oh man and that one time the gm pulled some extra shit with me was im fairly sure the same day or very close to it when i had like almost $80 in pay they forgot to give me b/c i was the only person doing deliveries for the last like 3 hrs and i even worked up the nerve like a week later to be like “hey....the $74??” but it never happened. oh how i wish i quit more rudely!! all i did was stop going above and beyond for them. legit slowed everything down like 0.5 speed and stopped doing 90% of the shit i’d been doing w/o anyone having to ask. have fun. oh how many memories i have of people being crap to me there.....Alas

another middle of the day long story about Ugh That Was Trash, take notes!!! and my evil parents were not even involved, directly, at that time. unless you count that i was homeless because they were evil. anyways not everyone at work was crap and for as many people who were shitty to me there was probably at least almost as many people who were actually decent and cool. like the gay guy who, i delivered So Much Soup to a house meeting of local buddhists, and the one guy gave me materials and i was like thank you, and the others were like “oh we know your gay guy coworker jonathan!” and i was like oh fuck i love that guy!! and they were like oh my god have some food and i was like absolutely. and one person annoyed me but others did not and i talked to one girl named kyrie after the 80s song and she was like “ive been applying to your store” and i was like “just first things first tell them you have an open schedule thats their #1 thing” and like 2 days later i saw her and she was like yeah just did my interview, and then she was hired and everyone was like “that’s milo’s friend” and we were like we don’t actually know each other we just met the one time!! and anyways everybody pronounced her name wrong like “kī-ree” or just Kī or Kee but i knew to pronounce it keer-ee-ay because my mom was a catholic choir director so if someones name is from a latin hymn i’ve got it, and i’ve also gone to red robin with nuns like four times and baked cookies in the basement with another sister. thats about the most fun i got to have with catholicism, the end