#I think back then it was just overwhelming inna way | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

tarpitbell · 2 months ago

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vvvery well then ill come off anon, feel free to block me as you see fit

i said it because even if we dont interact anymore, i hate seeing people get kicked when theyre down. i cant stand bullying and i cant stand condescending bullshit directed at people who dont deserve it. it wasnt a waste of time because any time a person is getting hurt and they dont deserve it, i step in. i dont care if it was my business or not. it wasnt a waste of time because you still deserve to be treated with respect.

ill say it as many times as i have to but you really dont deserve the hatred you receive. everyone in that server kept telling you that we never hated you but you kept believing we did to the point where it felt like you were making us out to be the bad guys. it was incredibly unhealthy on both sides. we hoped that if we just stayed moots with you on tumblr that itd be okay and that you could distance yourself as much as you needed to so that it wouldnt be so overwhelming.

i see that that probably wasnt really issue but possibly several other things. if you want to stop posting content related to alnst then so be it. thats your decision. we will dwell on you because youre an amazing person and there are many fond memories with you and your characters. if you dont want to participate in any of the fan seasons, including sona season, then we will make adjustments for you. whatever you want to do with your characters is completely up to you.

thank you for being a beautiful and wonderful being, and i hope that whatever you choose to do, you do it in good conscience. we dont want to push or annoy you any further than we might be doing (sorry, genuinely. i really do care about you tbf.) but we also just want you to be happy.

/gen, /lh, and /withlove.

- zen (papa, if youre still willing to call me that /nf)

It was you -!!! (Geno sans, CPAU comic dub voice) ((I knew itt.. you do stand up for others and are more vocal about being ..indunno but I guess yk inna way, just the way you typed it (sorry if that's ..weird/creepy), the way that you confront others and such .much braver ig, since you take action a lot))

Sorry for making it seem like I was making y'all the bad guys. Didn't mean to, and honestly shouldn't have done that- that was wrong of me from the start. Though, now I don't think I can remember- well. Given how it was like. Two months ago now? And I do forget a lot so- ...sorry for unfollowing as well (tho I know that no matter the amount of me saying sorry will ever fix things up since I avoid what happened/etc..)

I don't really think I can stop posting alnst/alnst oc content. I'm in too deep, in three gc (AREPH, Setup and Takedown, and then Toxic ysosu)— I have an Au (you probably know or maybe not; Sonic.exe like au, I'm mainly focusing on the hypothetical 3d game in the universe that happens in 2035, called Mor. I remember asking you for permission, but then again.. gah. Fucking sorry for putting onna invisible time limit to the question, as said- for almost everything I've done since I was in the series(what I call servers now) and out of it.... Though you did say we don't talk anymore, and so like. Yeah- haven't answered my question- tho ITS TOTALLY NORMAL! FINE! Just slightly weird?? That like. Just recently you came here to like. Ig cheer me up? When I was "kicked down even more". Tho it is .you. You did say that you can't stand what they have said to me and what/who they were referring to, which is interesting but I won't bother you with anything i have to say) — I still have a lot more to show (so many hidden characters and hidden lore) and post,, and I've been going back to writing like. Flor's lore, and getting some basic ideas down. Besides, I still can't stop thinking of the ocs and such.. as ..said..... I'm in too deep (was basically here from the start.. before s39 was even s39.....ah..kills the wall). And it's not leaving me anytime soon, since I always have thoughts- ideas and such. <- this is what 50+ OCS does to a person

I still have OCS, in the seasons. I still have OCS I want to work on and expand on.

Besides, Eddy and Sebastian have a very close bond. Flor, Oli, Dian, Faisal, and their other siblings are well. Siblings. Four of them don't belong to me. I have OCS in romantic relationships with others, and all of that. I can't just .. abandon it all honestly.

For the Sona Season, I think I'm like. Basically disqualified though? Before I did whatever I did, I kinda did ask to be in round1 so things can end faster for my sona. But then again. <- is a whiny person. <- impatience, which is wrong. <- generally a ""ugly"" one. So I just decided to do what I did in the server basically— and just leave the Garden & Stage thing. ..tbh I did do a song-comic, but I doubt you want to see anything I do now (NOT trying to make you see what I do. Waste of time. And again in the previous ask you sent you used past tance and so that practically means that we are thru, huh? Along with us not talking to each other besides those two asks you sent to this blog..along with the Seb song. But I don't think that you and the others don't want to touch anything made by me or are related to me! Which I totally get)

You all have NEVER annoyed me or pushed me, at all (only ever asked me for some small things, or actually nothing at all). IM the one who's annoyed and pushed you all (too many ideas, too many posts I've tagged as ocs- I've tagged y'all in, etc etc. basically at those times and still now, it's just me talking to a wall). It's.. stupid to apologize for what I've been doing the most.

Also don't .. apologize for caring actually. I don't know what to say, or have anything to say besides that.. still can't fucking believe that you are still. That you still allow me the chance to call you papa...stupid of me to have mentally clocked the community as a family(ish?only a few) to me. since it ended up with me being .not continuing that sentence. but yeah, really stupid of me to have you all as family when we ended up like this.which is unhealthy as you said! What type of friendship is like person A: your my friend! / Person B: (you are like a sibling to me. You are family.) ???? Certainly not a working healthy one. Because I became so very impulsive when .not finishing that either.

#ask #zerostyrant #tbh i think i needed to cry after these two asks you sent. tho reminded me on how i would actually #. before all of the alnst stuff. i would mainly cry because my ex .one time wasnt responding to me for like #...i knew i counted. (seconds to months for sure) but its been like. months now since we broke up. ah #but. uh. yeah. uhm. when he wasnt responding to me i was scared he mightve died in some way (thank god he didn't.....)#and then there was a second time where i cried more as well. smth smth. had to deal with Kayo Sudou and a song #smth about a crane and feathers snd such. and kayo i believe just. working until her lover can finally heal up and live even if she dies #working to save up money to help heal him..though maybe thats wrong in actual Evillious Chronicles lore #.the song did appear in a Obey Me! x Evillious Chronicles texting story so. i dunno but yeha #// also.tbh this is like .i think the hardest ive ever cried before #but hey. they say crying is good for the body right? so. uhm. thanks ...#((oh yeah..the counting happened when we were still together. the song happened like .after a couple of months #when we broke up and stuff))

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trendywaifus · 5 months ago

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🔥 anon reporting in 🫡

so true... i haven't played the recent patch in hsr yet (really hoping they'll replace moze's lines next update) but i'm so excited to meet feixiao she seems so cool!

i had a thought yesterday about slowly pulling down mavuika's zipper while kissing down her body 🥰

also mavuika's quote on xilonen's drip marketing... i love how casual she is omg she's so cute.

yeah 😔 i'll always feel bad for poor itto... since they are slowly updating models a bit though there is some hope!

that's fair! in general there are times i feel like redesigns can be better than the official designs (some great nilou redesigns come to mind).

ei and miko were great, hopefully they'll appear in game again soon. i feel like it's been ages since we've last seen ei in particular.

understandable, i was playing genshin a lot less frequently when i started playing hsr and even that made me feel overwhelmed with getting caught back up even though i didn't quit entirely. it's really a shame how hard it is to get back into it If you stop playing for a while... i hate the reliance on fomo so much. i really like how in hsr you can play a lot of events later if you missed them.

oh I heard about that mozes drama…yeah they GOT to replace his voice lines. im so excited for feixiao because I love her design and her personality so far. geez have you seen those muscles??? whewwww

i haven’t heard her quote about the pretty jaguar woman’s drip marketing but ik she would say sum our himeko would say (correct me if im wrong).

bro they did itto soosooooooo dirty like that man is an oni, WHERE IS HIS BEEF??? how is wrio a bigger man than THE itto?

sumeru’s redesigns were great too, i seen sum stuff on nilou and it was sooooo good??? esp nahida’s redesigns im so disappointed the way she turned out tbh.

I’ll hop back on genshin if miko and ei show up again idcccc

yeah once hsr came out i just abandoned genshin and I have way too much to do on there that it’s overwhelming too. good lord. i think im behind on hsr since I haven’t really played inna while. ive prob missed some events too.

#trendy #🔥 anon

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thepaperpanda · 4 years ago

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Late Night Visit || Joel x Reader Smut

Summary: Joel pays you a visit late at nigh while seeking for a shelter.

Warnings: Smut

Words: 3340

Authors: Cass & Rouge

Area 4. Boston zone.

Night there was quiet and calm as much as it could be with all the soldiers patrolling the streets.

It was way past the curfew so there were two options.

One was to sit in one place like an idiot and not get spotted by the military, or second - to find a safe place to spend the rest of the night.

Joel groaned deeply annoyed, rubbing his face. He was on his way back from another smuggler job and he was stuck. Fucking pissed, dirty, beaten up and tired. He really wasn't in a mood to deal with this now and there was still long way to his flat.

Joel thought of what to do and he got one idea - not the best one but surely working for his favor.

So there he was, trying his best to get to one of the buildings without getting spotted. Somehow he entered and now he stood in front of your door.

You were his old friend. He worked with you few times and apparently you liked him much enough that you offered him help whenever he will needed it. Joel looked around and hoped that whoever else lived there had a deep sleep and you aren't asleep yet. Letting out a deep sigh, he knocked at your door using his fist, just to be sure you hear him.

You were awakened by knocking to your door. Lazily, you opened eyes and yawned. Rolling on your side, you reached to a nightstand to pick a watch up. 1:17. "Fuck," you murmured unhappily, yet you got up slowly.

You had a silky, pink nightgown on, an old one actually, but the only that was still in a good state. It was maybe too loose now as you have lost a pound or two, but you still like your reflection in a mirror with this one on.

You hair, loosened, were messy, so you ran fingers through them in an attempt to brush them a little.

Hesitantly, you left bedroom, walked along the corridor and stood in front of the main door. "Who's there?," You asked, raising voice a little.

"Maybe don't raise your voice, girl. It's enough I risk my ass being here. Open the door, it's me, Joel," he muttered, looking around still being careful to not draw too much attention to both of you. "It would be nice if you hurry up, it's curfew time. Unless something has changed and I don't know."

You blinked as soon as you heard his voice. You clenched hands in fists; you felt how anger started rising within you.

After moment of hesitation, you opened the door for him, yet didn't move aside to let him in. You measured him with a cold glance. "Joel. How long has it been?"

Joel was getting more and more annoyed just by waiting for you to open the damn door. Last thing he really needed was your mood swing, but it was who you were. He already got used to it after working with you. "Long and don't give me that look. I have enough of everything and I just use the invitation you had gave me," Joel explained with a frown.

With a roll of your eyes you shifted aside, making a room for him to enter. As soon as he did step into your little flat, you made sure to lock the door with key and a little chain.

You looked at him above your shoulder; he indeed looked like an old, tired man that was overwhelmed with the world itself.

Joel nodded and walked past you to your living room. He took off his backpack and put it on the floor next to the couch.

"Sorry for coming here that late, it wasn't in my original plan. There was this or trying to get to my own flat," he muttered stretching his back. "I won't be much of a bother, I can crush on a couch and maybe use a shower."

You stopped in a threshold, leaning your side against a doorframe. "Yeah, I bet it wasn't your original plan," you said theatrically, and walked to the little kitchen to pour him a glass of whiskey. Thankfully, you had a nice magazine of those.

As you returned with a glass, you passed it to him, and took a seat in an armchair, crossing legs nicely.

"It's been half a year. Without any sign from you."

"Yeah, I planed to get home but I fucking failed due to some fucked up shit I had to stumble upon," he explained and turned to you, looking a bit suprised at the fact you offer him a drink.

Joel gladly took it and then sat down on the couch. He downed drink quickly in one big sip. It was a nice change than the simple water, apparently he needed it more than he though. "I know, been busy. You know, trying to somehow earn my living in this shithole.”

You didn't reply to his words, you simply listen to his story, nodding from time to time. "Still, you could have informed me. I was dying of stress."

Joel let out a sigh, did you try to guilt trip him or something? He wasn't really sure what you tried to achieve, he was tired. "Well, I couldn't. There was one job after another. I also never saw you bothering yourself with coming to me," he shrugged, rubbing his eyes. "Can I use the shower or not?"

"Feel free to use whatever you want," you informed him as you got up, and walked to the door. "I'll bring you a blanket and pillow. You can find a fresh towels Inna cabinet in a bathroom."

"Yea, I remember where and don't worry. I will be gone as soon as the curfew will be over. So I won't bother ya too much," Joel explained before getting up from the couch and simply walking into your bathroom.

You returned to your bedroom, initially you left the door open, just in case Joel would want a hand.

You climbed to your bed and placed head into the soft pillow.

"Oh fucking hell... This is what I needed," Joel muttered to himself at the feeling of water washing off a 4 day worth of a dirt, blood or whatever was covering him at that point.

He rested his head against the shower wall, simply enjoying the pleasant feeling. Joel made sure to check himself in case he needed to tend any wounds. As for a hit with a fucking metal baseball bat, I am surprised my ribs are still intact, he thought to himself. Only thing that kinda bothered him was a wound on his leg.

It took him half an hour to get himself to somehow permissible state. After drying himself he redressed and left the bathroom. Sitting down on the couch he started to dig through his backpack to find the aid kit to tend the wound on his leg.

You got awakened up by Joel again. It was probably caused by the fact you were having a light sleep.

Your eyes opened slowly, you rolled on the other side and looked at Joel through open door, yet you didn't get up from your bed.

Oh, how jealous you were of him. You knew you two were only colleagues but you counted for something more, and always were trying to do anything for him to notice you. He never did though, that's why you gave upon him.

Joel could feel a chills ran down his spine as he felt someone's eyes on him. It wasn't extremely unpleasant but for him it was simply unnecessary. Man looked over his shoulder right at you. "Have someone ever told you that staring is rude?," Joel asked and then turned his attention back to his leg.

"I am just checking if you don't need a hand," you replied and nuzzled to your pillow. You tried to hide the blush.

"Do I look like I need it? I'd ask for help if I would need one," Joel summed up, ribbing the bandage in half before tying around his leg and hiding the rest in his backpack.

You turned on the other side with a loud gasp. "Like you wish, Joel. Good night."

"Night," he said simply, getting comfortable on the couch. All he used was the pillow you gave him.

The anger raged within you. You couldn't believe that he has simply came to take a nap on your couch.

You grabbed your pillow and got up from bed, you walked on your tiptoes to stand right next to the couch, then you hit him with a pillow. "How could you left without a fucking word, Joel?!"

Joel nearly jumped out of his skin because of this sudden assault from your side. Probably if not the fact he knew where he was and who you were, he would punch back. For sure not with pillow.

"What the fuck, the hell is wrong with you, girl?!," He growled sitting up and turning to you.

You hit him few times with pillow. "You told me you'll come back. You never did! Only now! And only because some time ago I offered you a safe place!," You screamed at him.

He got up from the couch and stood in front of you. Joel was two if not three times your size, he was way bigger than you so disarming you wasn't much of a problem. "Seriously? Pillow? Try harder next time," he muttered and threw the pillow over his shoulder. "I told you I was busy, besides, since when you want me to be around?"

"Since the day we met, eh?," You snarled, and looked him hardly in the eyes. "You good knew that I have a feeling for you, even despite the fact you and Tess...," You gasped. "It's not important now, anymore. It's not important. I'm sorry for my outburst, it shouldn't have happened."

He looked at you with a frown, deeply confused at you confession. You had feelings for him? Was that even possible?

"No, it is important. Explain it now. What me and Tess?," Joel asked. He was curious what he will he hear from you.

You clenched palms in fists. "You and her are a thing, I'm not an idiot. You live together. You have common stuff to which you both are fully committed."

Joel chuckled and shook his head. Everything you just said was a complete nonsense.

"Listen..," he muttered and rubbed bridge of his nose. "Me and Tess, we were never a thing. Not even in the sightless degree. Sure, we worked together and she slept in my flat but that's it. Nothing more, nothing less," Joel explained.

"Yeah, yeah, if you think I'm going to believe this, you're mistaken," you told him, then went to the kitchen to pour yourself a glass of whiskey, but instead of downing the glass, you downed the bottle itself.

Joel rolled his eyes and followed you. He took the bottle out of your hand and put it down on the countertop away from your reach. "And why would I lie to you, Y/N?"

"Because I'm only a colleague of yours, you don't need to tell me the truth," you shrugged.

"Oh, is that so?," He leaned on countertop, looking at you.

Joel did promise to come back to you but he indeed never did. There was few factor that made him stay away. You were younger, less experienced. That meant you deserved some as young as you, someone who isn't as broken as he is. Joel indeed cared about you but what was the point for him. “What If I tell you that you are really mistaken?"

"I don't care anymore," you grabbed the bottle he took away from you and downed it. "I don't care. Past few months have taught me that I can only count on myself, as everyone around is lying on purpose to gain something," you told him and ran fingers through your hair.

"Now I call it bullshit, Y/N. Because if you truly didn't care anymore, you wouldn't try to murder me with a pillow," Joel said crossing arms over his chest. He got a really stupid idea. "Okay, listen. I care about you, I really do... That's why I didn't come," Joel said, facepalming mentally.

You shrugged. "Good to know. After half a year," you went back to the little living room and flopped on the couch, you wiped a drop of whiskey that have left on your lips with the top of palm.

Joel rolled his eyes and joined you. "Well, you weren't much better. Just now I found out you have feelings for me because I really had no idea you were jealous of Tess," he chuckled and poked you on the ribs.

"Don't touch me," you snarled and shifted aside. "You were a dumbass then, how was it possible for you to not realize that I had a feeling for you?," You chuckled on your own words.

"Y/N. I am an old, broken smuggler," he sighed and looked at you. "You know me, you know everything. Can you blame me for this?"

"Yeah, I kinda can," you chuckled coldly and laid head on the pillow you borrowed him. "You might be old but with your age a wisdom should come along."

"Oh, for fuck's sake," Joel rolled his eyes and grabbed your hand to pull you up and onto his laps.

It was a mistake probably and it was wrong. You deserved far more than him but it wasn't a point then. He grabbed the back of your neck tightly and pulled into a kiss only to pull away as soon as he ran out of the air in his lungs. "Will this make us quit this smart talk?"

You licked you lips after the kiss he offered you.

Your heart rate increased, you were taken off your guard by his sudden movement.

Without questioning your own actions anymore, you started kissing him, while rolling your hips a little, to rub your core against his crotch.

He kissed you back, placing hand on your hip while the other moved under your silky nightgown. His rough hand caressed your soft, warm skin.

Soon you were flipped so Joel was hovering over you. His kisses moved down to your neck and even lower, he quickly found himself between your legs.

Joel looked up at you, checking if you didn't change your mind.

You tried to rub thighs together while moaning quietly for him. "And don't try to tell me that you didn't want this before," you whispers and bit your lower lip, observing man's movements. "I've dreamt of it."

Placing your legs on his shoulders Joel moved nightgown up, exposing your belly.

"Well, I can see that just by the fact you're wet already," he hummed before giving your pussy a one big lick, after this he wrapped his lips around your clitoris.

Joel played with your bundle of nerves and soon his thick fingers started to slowly slip inside of you.

You grabbed one of his hands and placed it on your boob. "That's it, handsome. Just keep going," you praised softly and tangled your fingers with his hair.

You rolled hips gently to get a little more friction.

Despite the fact you didn't want to manifest it, he was right; you became wet as soon as you've seen him at your door.

He smiled against your flesh, his fingers slipped inside of you. They moved in fast pace, curling inside of your from time to time while his lips never left your clit. "Come on, princess. Don't hold it back, I know you want go cum."

"I... Want... To... Cum... Around your... Cock," you gasped and cupped his face with both of your hands, rolling hips faster, fucking yourself against his bearded face.

Joel continued to eat you out until he decided it was enough. He moved away only to sit up and removed his shirt along with his pants, he pushed them down enough to free his cock. There was no time for playing around. Joel grabbed your legs and pulled you closer. He took his cock and teased your clit with it. "Are ya still sure about it?"

"Yeah," you murmured, biting your lower lip. You traced your hand right between your thighs to rub your pussy. You were soaking wet, indeed.

"But hands we keep up here," he said and grabbed both of your hand, Joel moved them over your head and kept them there using one of his hands.

He lowered himself and kissed you, pushing his cock deep inside of you without any warning. Joel started to fuck you hard and deep.

You ached your back and wrapped legs around his hips, you did it to deepen his pushes.

His cock stretched you nicely, and you moaned lowly, gasping a little when his tip hit the back of your pussy.

He moved faster, thrusting deeper and deeper with every move. Joel groaned lowly at the nice feeling of your warm walls squeezing his hard cock.

"You like it, huh? Is this what you wanted?," He snarled and his free hand moved between your bodies to pinch your clit before rubbing it in a slow circles.

You closed your eyes, and parted lips, a moan escaped them, and you rolled your hips a little more for Joel.

Joel hummed satisfied, looking down on you. You looked so beautiful, just a whimpering mess under him, just because of him.

He released your hands so he could wrap this arm around your waist to deepen the thrusts as much as possible, Joel moved down to place few kisses and bites on your neck.

Your hands rapidly went to scratch his back where you scratched a little. You loved the way he was hovering over your figure, you felt secured, in his arms you felt like in home.

You let him do whatever he wanted, you felt how desperate he was for your touch as well, but you knew he would never admit it

He hummed nuzzling to your neck, placing few more kisses there. Oh, how he loved the feeling of your small fragile body trapped right under him.

"Come on, princess. I know you want to cum, I can feel it," Joel purred deeply right into your ear.

You nuzzled to his bare, naked chest. You trailed your lips along every scar on his body, you moaned in a rhythm of his thrusts.

But when your climax has came, you remained silent. Only a little gasp of yours and tightening grasp of your legs wrapped around Joel's hips determined the moment you've reached your peak.

Joel gave you few harder thrusts before cumming deep inside of you. "Fuck," he growled and nuzzled to your neck with a happy hum.

He stayed motionless for a moment, trying the gain back the control on his own breath. Suddenly, Joel chuckled, kissing your neck and cheek. "Honestly? I expected more sound from you, princess."

You gasped and blushed oh so hardly, you didn't expect him to be so open. "Joel," you gasped. You blushed harder when you felt how your mixed cums dripped down your thighs when he slipped out of your core.

He hummed and gave one one more teasing thrust before moving up to look at you. "What is it, princess?"

"Don't go... Please, Joel, don't go... Don't leave me... I won't survive..."

He hushed you, pulling out slowly and laying both of you in comfortable position on the small couch. "I ain't going anywhere. Now, try to get some rest, okay?," Joel whispered, kissing your forehead.

"And when I wake up, you'll be still here?," You asked, letting your eyes closed.

"Yeah, I promise. Cross on my heart," he said hugging you tight.

You quickly drifted into sleep, being flanked by a firm grasp of the arms you loved the most.

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anika-ann · 5 years ago

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Heart Too Cold, but Friends of Gold - Pt.11

Too Much

Pairing: Steve Rogers x reader Word count: 2850

Summary: Avenger!reader AU. Part 2 of Melting Hearts series. Part 1 HERE.

The lesson with ‘Inna’ takes an interesting turn. Yeah.

“You are so good. So good, you’re always feeling so much. And sometimes it feels like you’re gonna bust wide open from all the feeling, doesn’t it? People like you are the best in the world, but you sure do suffer for it.” (Silas House)

Warnings: swearing, light angst, mention of an injury, sort-of-a flashback… eh

Story Masterlist

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“I have no idea how I can help you improve your English, you’re almost like a native speaker,” you announced, pretending to be awed.

On the inside, you were freaking out. A lot. The reason was simple; there was something incredibly fishy about your new student and it made your hair stand on the end.

The lesson had been nice – once Inna let go of the insecurity about her accent, she spoke fluently and she made a great conversational partner. You had pulled out one of the difficult worksheets you were using for students you believed to be on a very advanced level and she had no problem with it. Which was the biggest clue, really.

Because this woman didn’t need your help whatsoever.

Also, she was wearing a wig, which was suspicious on its own.

“Thanks!” she exclaimed, sounding excited at the praise. You would almost believe her she was being genuine. Almost. “I guess it’s the accent I’m worried about? I mean, I thought that with talking to you, listening to a native speaker, it could get less obvious. I heard not everyone is welcoming to a girl with accent like mine.”

You obediently made a face as you started picking up your stuff, slipping into a light coat. “Ouch. Okay. Well, thank you for the lesson. See you on next Tuesday, the same time?”

“Yeah. Same place?”

You nodded, smiling nervously at her, hoping it didn’t show. “If you want to.”

You might have set up a next meeting with her, but you would be damned if you showed up. You needed to pack your bags and disappear – right now. Maybe even without the bags. You tried to keep your cool when exiting the café, your new student right behind you.

“Where are you heading?” you asked politely, already coming up with a dozen of locations you could answer her with if she asked you the same. Your heart was beating its way out of your chest as you nuzzled your nose into your thick scarf.

Where would you go next? You couldn’t stay in Prague. Should you head for Slovakia? You had heard countless times that the culture was pretty similar to the Czech one and you had kinda grown used to it. Or should you change the environment completely? Escape to Bulgaria? Maybe Italy? You could use some warm weather for a change… then again, Italians were all for hugs and affection and you couldn’t really work with that…

“Oh, Karlín. You?”

Okay, so… you definitely needed a different direction and chances were she would be taking either the subway B line or the tram, which meant you needed to use A. Or maybe go to the other side of the square for C, but that might be too suspicious – God knew what Eva had told this woman about your whereabouts. You couldn’t lie too obviously.

“I’m going to Želivského…. That’s A line subway,” you added when she seemed a bit confused. You walked with her for a bit, parting your ways at the stairs to the subway.

“Alright. Bye, Brigit!”

“Bye, Inna.”

You gave her another quick smile before heading down, forcing your legs to walk on acceptable speed instead of running.

Head for the A line. Blend in with the crowd and let it slowly carry you to the transfer corridor to the B line. Take the escalator, stand straight, don’t walk up. Exit via B line station. Hop on a tram. Two stations. Change the direction and ride one station back, continue several others as the track goes somewhere else. Get off the tram with a crowd. Get lost in an alleyway as the crowd is passing. Be pulled by a strong-

“Hey! Let me go! Nech mě být!” you cursed, complaining loudly so you draw attention as someone dragged you aside to an alleyway.

A huge hand covered your mouth and you bit down on it before you could even see who your assailant was. It didn’t matter. They had you and you couldn’t use your powers to reveal yourself, at least not right away. Maybe they would believe they had the wrong person.

“Ow! No biting!” a male voice complained and your rapidly beating heart stopped.

Oh god, oh fuck, no.

That wasn’t happening. You snapped your gaze to the painfully familiar face with the most honest and genuine blue eyes you had ever encountered and your mind turned blank.

He couldn’t be here. He shouldn’t and he couldn’t, because you had been extremely careful. Apparently not enough and now they found you; whoever ‘they’ were.

And they were using masks and voice disguisers, because you would fucking swear this was the love of your life standing right in front of you. They were playing dirty, taking you by surprise like this.

And they succeeded. Whoever was trying to get to Steve so they could replicate the serum just got themselves a jackpot. Except you were pretty sure you were worthless at this point; but they could never be sure enough of that unless they tried blackmailing the Avengers or Steve himself. Also, Steve would never let anyone die on his watch, so his most likely non-existent feelings weren’t that important.

You were about to scream when the hand muffled the sound again – was it really healed already? Why hadn’t they tried to knock you unconscious yet?

“Goddammit, Frosty! Keep it quiet!”

“Don’t call me that, you bastard!” you muttered into his palm, your knee shooting up to his crotch – he had left it unprotected unwisely.

His face twisted in a grimace that made you feel sorry for Steve even when your Steve wasn’t the one truly suffering – he couldn’t be, this couldn’t be him. His hand disappeared and you pushed him away with all strength you had, managing to free yourself.

“Wait!” he called out and you barely gave him a glance over your shoulder as you ran off-

Correction. As you ran into a wall. With full force, hitting your head so hard that for a moment, you saw the infamous stars behind your eyelids.

You stumbled backwards with a groan and your hand at the injured place, your messy mind coming up with the only solution you had – you woke up your powers, somehow realizing you couldn’t have run into an actual wall, because it simply hadn’t been there before. You barely felt the energy filling your body as the darkness embraced your vision – and the last thing you saw was red plasmatic energy and Inna’s apologetic face.

────── ·❆· ──────

“Was it really necessary, Wanda?” you heard Steve’s (not Steve’s) voice from a distance and groaned, immediately remembering what had happened. Fuck, you were so screwed. “Snowflake?”

“Call me that again and I will freeze your balls off.”

The woman at the side of the bed you were lying on – yeah, really, bed, a bed you weren’t tied to, which was kinda sloppy to be honest – burst out laughing.

“She’s really something. I think I fell in love.”

“Good. Do you think that after you knocked her unconscious, she will fall in love with you too?” the man bit back, smoothening your hair from your forehead. You grabbed his wrist on instinct to stop the motion.

Also, you could feel your mask was off. Wonderful. You opened your eyes to see the wannabe Steve and shot him a pointed look.

“Don’t touch me. I have no fucking idea who you are, but do not touch me. At least be fair and show your real face, you dickbag.”

“That’s a lot of money to the swear jar,” Inna – Wanda? – noted and you eyed her only to see her crossing her arms on her chest. She looked completely different now and confused the hell out of you. She took her wig off, not wearing a mask (or wearing a different one) and the only reason you recognized her as ‘Inna’ was her thick accent. “And since you don’t believe him – or me – let me show you. I can connect two minds on a certain level and I will. Good? I’m so glad you agree with this procedure.”

Before you could do a thing, she took the man’s hand from yours and touched both of you simultaneously. You gasped and closed your eyes at the flood of pictures appearing in front of your eyes, the noise, the— the feelings. It knocked the air out of your lungs, flushing over you like a tide wave.

You saw it all. Every single memory of you and Steve, from the first meeting (oh how pathetic and scared you looked) and gaining each other’s trust to the cuddles and the teasing…

The longing (oh, so much longing, the inner fight, the struggle not to take advantage of you, the desire to kiss you as you smiled at you? No, him), the love declaration, your first time, fighting by your side (the overwhelming fear every single time, yet so much admiration and respect), finding you in a snowed-in room with Michaels; that one scene seemed to happen in a slow motion, letting your brain recover.

All of the memories were strange as you saw yourself from above, from an unusual angle, but this particular memory was standing out with one more thing – your eyes were shiningly blue, unnaturally even; Michaels had been right, your eyes had changed colour that day.

Then the pace changed again and there was the memory of the tenderest love-making and you could tell immediately it must have been a very fond memory and an intense one too – spiked with a bitter taste of goodbye. The sudden rush of pain and fear would make your knees give out had you been standing,

And then came the anger – so consuming that you saw red for a second, yet recognizing Michaels in his prisoner’s cell with painful clarity. A punch. Another one and one more, yet not helping the gnawing feeling inside you at all.

“Why?”

“Why what?”

“Obviously, you wanted to isolate her. But you had that in Pennsylvania as well. Why go through all the trouble?”

“Oh, sweetheart, I knew you would be with her, even as a backup, running after her like sick puppies. She wouldn’t do that alone. Protecting the man she owed everything though…”

“Who do you work for? What do you want with her?”

“What I told her. We want to replicate the serum.”

“…you’re not talking about the super-soldier serum.”

“Course not. Pff. Super-soldiers are so yesterday. The powers your precious Snowflake possesses, on the other hand…”

You were literally kicked out from the memory and shoved into a roller-coaster of hope, disappointment, frustration and denial. You caught a glimpse of a little flask with an engraving that looked suspiciously like an Asgardian one, of starless nights, endless line of torn off punching bags, but it was like seeing it from a train, too fast and blurry.

And then Bucky appeared. S.H.I.E.L.D. fell. Sokovia happened – Wanda, Pietro and Vision happened.

Finally, there was you again, biting his hand and kneeling him, endless relief and confusion and a spike of anger as you ran into an almost invisible wall of energy created by the Scarlet Witch. The hesitance about deactivating your mask; the rush of affection when seeing your face.

And pitch black.

You blinked your eyes open, darkness dancing around the edges of the simple white ceiling. A ghost of a touch on your wrist was present, but the sensation was nothing in comparison to the aftershock of emotions that bombarded your brain and insides.

Steve was leaning onto your bed for support, possibly feeling the same weakness in his body as you were. Tears burned in your eyes and you tried to focus your gaze on him, to feast your eyes, because you were suddenly sure it was him. Your heart swelled at the realization, the vital organ too large for your ribcage all of sudden.

His dazed eyes met yours, relieved as he noticed the change. He managed to give you an unsure smile as he lowered himself, reaching for your hand.

“Are you gonna bite me again if I touch you?” he asked, the supposedly teasing note lost on the way from his brain to his mouth. He seemed hesitant, afraid of rejection. Yet, he was watching you in awe and poorly hidden hope.

You felt the blood rushing to your cheeks when you remembered that you had bit him and… kicked him in— oh boy. You already had an apology on your tongue when you changed your mind and forced a smile. There would be plenty of time for apologies.

“No. But I might if you don’t.”

His face brightened and he took your hand in his, squeezing gently, careful as much as he had been when you had seen each other the last time. It felt like eternity since then. And after experiencing the grief you had caused him… you actually felt guilty for running off – especially now, when you found out Michaels had been playing you and you had fallen for it.

You had run off for nothing. You had actually done exactly what they had wanted, isolating yourself and making their work easier. No contact, no life, no relationships. Hurting people you cared about. Loneliness being your only true friend for so long.

And all of that for nothing.

It was a little comfort that at least you managed to hide from Michaels’ minions or bosses effectively. It didn’t feel important.

The tears rolled down your cheeks as you watched Steve, emotions displayed so openly on his face; the concern at your tears if nothing else. His fingers brushed your forehead as if unwittingly, the tender touch making your eyelids flutter close. He immediately pulled back.

“Head that bad?”

“No, you dope,” you mumbled, snapping your eyes open again. He watched you curiously, searching for anything that could clue him why you called him a dope. Not that it was the worst thing you had called him today. “I… I missed you and— and I’m so sorry, Steve. I-- I know I made a stupid mistake and I didn’t want to hurt you, I swear, I didn’t want you to get hurt-”

“Hey, hey,” he soothed you quickly, his fingers running through your hair and you realized you started crying for real, sobbing and all the ugliness associated with the display of weakness. “Hey, Snowflake, it’s okay— …it’s not okay, I think I won’t take you back to others, because Natasha or Tony might actually kill you, but-“

“But you won’t? What do I get then? The silent treatment? A beating? ‘Cause I’ll take it, I know I deserve it.”

His eyebrows furrowed, creating a worried yet somehow tender wrinkle. “How about ‘I missed you too’ treatment?”

Your heart skipped a beat as you realized his face got closer, his thumb drawing circles on the back of your hand and the fingers of his other hand still caressing your hair.

“What— what does that look like?” you choked out, a growing lump in your throat suffocating you.

That couldn’t be real. He was mad. You had felt it. You had felt it all, the good things too of course, but the pain too. Fixing things, getting forgiveness, it couldn’t be so easy. Too easy.

“Whatever you want.”

You observed his handsome face, his worn features, the exhaustion radiating for miles as well as delight and careful hope.

“That doesn’t sound right.”

He pouted. Steve Rogers fucking pouted as if he wanted to draw attention to his lips some more. He succeeded. You licked yours at the sight, mentally slapping yourself at instant. You had broken his heart – almost two years ago. You had no right to want any of that.

“Oh my god, just kiss already, your emotional roller-coaster is killing me!” Wanda whined miserably and you honest to god jolted to your feet, almost colliding with startled Steve. Your head spun and it wasn’t only from the rapid movement.

Jesus, you forgot all about Wanda!

“Wanda,” Steve murmured lowly, no chance of her truly hearing it. You did though and you eyed him, biting your lip.

“Do you-“ you blurted out and stopped abruptly before you could finish the bold question.

“What?” he asked softly, his hands hovering at your sides, ready to catch you if your head decided to send you back to unconsciousness – or at least to the floor. Always the protector. The rush of affection towards him was too much to bear.

Yet, you couldn’t imagine leaving this room without him.

“Never mind. We should move. If you found me, then they-“

His hand actually fell on your hip and your gaze shot its direction before looking up to his face in surprise.

“Wait. Do you?”

You gulped as his eyes flickered to your mouth at his words and you would swear you heard Wanda mutter ‘yes, she does’. Your cheeks burned hotter.

“Yes.”

His lips slowly spread in a smile as he leaned in, his kiss landing on your cheek. You chuckled delightfully at the familiar yet so foreign feeling and returned the favour.

When he went for your mouth with silent ‘Can I?’, you sure didn’t protest.

Meeting his lips felt like coming home, even with the kiss ending way earlier than you wished. But him letting you melt into his embrace after that was almost as good as kissing him senseless.

────── ·❆· ──────

Epilogue

────── ·❆· ──────

Tags: @mermaidxatxheart, @murdermornings, @elisaa-shelby @ask-hellbent-tweek @cxptain, @kallafrench, @smilexcaptainx @scentedsongrebel, @orions-nebula

────── ·❆· ──────

*Draws a hallo above her head* Have some more knowledge of Prague infrastructure. It’s authentic :D

They reunited! Also, there’s only epilogue ahead.... and a bonus. Aaaand then the series continues.

#marvel #fanfiction #steve rogers x reader #steve rogers x you #captain america x reader #captain america x you #steve rogers imagine #captain america imagine #steve rogers #captain america #avengers #avenger reader #mcu #heart too cold but friends of gold #anika ann

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vanchlo · 5 years ago

Text

The Assistant / Chapter Twenty Five, “A New Hope”

// FIND OLD CHAPTERS HERE //

hi!!!! i hope you’re all doing okay and hanging in there during this crazy time in the world. please know that im thinking of you, and please stay safe and healthy!!! id love to hear what you think of this chapter so plz like reply with thoughts or send me an ask??? id love to talk to anybody about this story bc it sounds weird but i love this story too???? like tell me what was your fav part??? what do you predict is gonna happen?

thanks so much for still reading after all of this time, and i hope this chapter distracts you from some of the crap going on in the world ♡♡♡♡

*SNEAK PEEKY TIME*

“But some moments when I’m so deep into my work, a thought pops into my head making me think that I’ll look up and see him there. Or some days I even think I hear his voice. Or I think the text I just got was from him.

None of that happens.

And it upsets me far more than it should. Some days I’m just better at ignoring it.

I couldn’t have wished for a better “new job,” but sometimes I miss him. And I don’t know what to do about it. Because there isn’t anything I can do. I know I made the right decision to leave, but in the moments I get overwhelmed and frustrated with learning new tasks, I wish I could be sitting back in that desk down the hall from his office.”

PART TWO: THE STRANGER

The noises here are all new and hard to get used to. The printer works differently. It’s like a maze in order to find the department I work in. There are key codes I have to put in and doors I have to scan my badge at. There are so many more names to learn here, and new phone extensions to master.

But I like it.

And I think I’m getting the hang of it. Slowly but surely.

“It’s Becky, right?” a voice says, pulling me from my chaotic thoughts.

I blink, looking away from my steaming cup of tea and to the face smiling at me.

“Uh yeah, it is. And you’re . . . Molly, right?”

“Yeah, wow! You’re good at names!” she laughs before sipping from her own cup of tea and taking a seat beside me. “How are you liking it here so far?”

“It’s good so far, thanks,” I reply, picking up my tea and blowing on it. Avoiding her round brown eyes, I think hard about where I’ve seen her before. She must be in the same department if she’s in this break room. Hmmm. I hate it when I can’t remember things even though it’s on the tip of my tongue.

“You used to work for Styles and Lawson, did I hear that right?” Molly asks before taking a long pull from her mug. She crosses her legs clad in black slacks that end at the polka-dotted blouse hugging her large chest.

If I got a pound for every time somebody has asked me that here, I wouldn’t even have to work here.

“Yeah,” I say, trying not to sound how annoyed I am to have to answer this question for the hundredth time. I told my new boss this once, and somehow everybody in the Administration department now knows it.

“Interesting. It looks like you stayed in the same world coming to work at the courts,” she remarks and I nod blankly.

Yeah, as if I haven’t heard that one before in the last month, too.

I continue to smile and nod at her repetitive questions. I sometimes answer them and then listen to her drone on about her three kids until the small hand reaches the 6 on the clock and my break is over. I’ve never been so excited before to go back to work.

Sitting down at my desk, I almost smile at the way the cushion welcomes me back. Framed pictures smile back at me.

Skye and I. Robbie and I as kids in matching outfits. My dad. My grandparents.

The same ones I had on my old desk. At his firm.

My chin arrives in my hand and a heavy sigh falls from my lips. The little pink clock on my desk tells me it’s only 12:30 in the afternoon.

I wonder what he’d be doing right now.

My eyes fall shut with a groan. I try to shake my head free of those kinds of thoughts. The very thoughts I’ve been trying to push away this last month. But after so long, it’s almost too hard. I thought that the more time that passed would make it easier, but some days it’s harder than others.

I really like it here. Everybody is nice and helpful. My boss is easygoing, supportive, communicates well, and helps me with any questions I may have. My workload is realistic, it’s familiar, and I enjoy it.

But some moments when I’m so deep into my work, a thought pops into my head making me think that I’ll look up and see him there. Or some days I even think I hear his voice. Or I think the text I just got was from him.

None of that happens.

And it upsets me far more than it should. Some days I’m just better at ignoring it. I couldn’t have wished for a better “new job,” but sometimes I miss him. And I don’t know what to do about it. Because there isn’t anything I can do. I know I made the right decision to leave, but in the moments I get overwhelmed and frustrated with learning new tasks, I wish I could be sitting back in that desk down the hall from his office. I tell myself that I just miss the familiarity. But I know that I also miss him.

His sweet cherry smile.

His contagious laugh.

His bizarre outfits that I looked forward to every day.

His twinkling green eyes.

The taco dates.

The late-night hangouts in his office with wine coolers and take away.

The silly yet frustrating Scrabble games.

His smell. Sandalwood mixed with bergamot and cedar.

And his jokes.

His raspy deep drawl.

And his warm bear hugs.

Pressing my fingers into my temples, I blink hard. The thoughts disappear for a second, but not long enough. I lift my head and settle my fingers on the letters of the keyboard. The login screen is only blurry for a moment, and the moment passes. But the ache in my chest and the racing inside of my skull doesn’t stop. They only continue as I open up a document and continue my work, as I continue missing him.

I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to stop.

12:30 right on the dot.

The black second-hand ticks past the three nears the four, and then the five. Fat snowflakes fall against my foggy window, blanketing the rest of London in its opaqueness. The words of David Gilmour and Roger Waters tickle my ears, but I don’t listen to them. The thoughts whirring around inside of my head keep them out.

I wonder what she’s doing right now.

Is she liking her new job?

Are they being nice to her?

Did she already eat lunch?

Are any blokes flirting with her?

Does she have her own desk?

What kind of place does she work at now?

Is she happy?

That thought weighs heavier than the others, and I feel it. My lips part and a long sigh leaves them.

Knock knock!

“Yeah?” I call out, not bothering to turn around. The bustling of double-deckers, cars, and people on the streets are more entertaining than any emails I should be reading.

“Harry, are you going to join us?” I hear a familiar voice ask.

“Yeah, ‘ll be there inna minute,” I answer, ignoring the tone of Myles’ voice.

The sound of the door closing trickles past the music and into my ears. My head falls into my hands and I let my eyes close. My fingers find their way into my hair and I remain there for a second, feeling my breaths leave and enter me.

I miss you, Becks.

A few breaths later, my fingers fall. Now, they find the closed laptop sitting near me and the leather book atop it. Next, my feet find their way to the door. But they stop in front of it. All of the moisture in my throat suddenly disappears, and a giant old lump appears in its place.

Oh, not again.

I breathe in and out and wait until it passes.

My ringed fingers wrap around the handle and turn it. Swallowing past the lump, my feet move again and down the hall. Knuckling at my eyes, I round the corner and quickly wipe at my eyes.

“You okay, Harry?” Myles asks me, welcoming me when I sit down beside him in the large meeting room.

“Yeah, jus’ got somethin’ in me eye,” I tell him, gulping hard. But there’s something in his ocean blue eyes that says different. He’s been a blessing putting up with my shit and excuses, but I think he knows more than he lets on. He’s always cared more than he shares.

He pats my arm before he turns to face Jennings who begins to talk. “It’ll be alright, it always is,” he mentions in a whisper.

I nod and turn my attention to Jennings. But no matter how hard I try, I can’t. I can’t focus, and I can’t believe him. Because the chaos of my mind continues. And so do the pictures of her scattered around in there. And so do the feelings, because no matter how hard I try to shut them off, they stay. Even after a bottle of brandy. But the alcohol doesn’t make me stop missing her, and hating myself for messing up. And for losing Becks.

Alex Trebek’s voice welcomes my ears as I step foot into my flat. I jump when I hear Skye shout back at him.

“What is Little Women!” she nearly screams, and her arms fly into the air when she gets it right. “Yessssss!” she exclaims, cheering for herself. Her pigtails the color of snow and blue cotton candy dance in the air around her.

I laugh with a shake of my head, sighing as I shrug off my coat.

“Oh hey, Boops,” she greets me, garnering an eye roll from me.

“You know not to call me that,” I reply, closing the closet door that now holds my peacoat damp from the winter flurries.

“I think I’m one of the few people allowed to call you that,” she replies, and I give her a glare in return.

To no surprise, it doesn’t do anything, because she just picks up another gummy worm and feeds it between her lips coated in neon pink lipstick.

“What, did your clients cancel their haircuts and colors because of the blizzard?” I ask her, padding over to the kitchen island.

“Yeah, bloody idiots forgot how to drive in the snow or something,” she nearly hisses, but it doesn’t last long because she yells another answer at the tv. “What is the Mariana Trench!”

“Skye, we have neighbors you know,” I scold her as my eyes search the shelves of our refrigerator. “Also, would it kill you to do some grocery shopping, perhaps before we’re snowed in?”

“Yeah sorry, I meant to but I forgot.”

“What’s new,” I mumble under my breath. I grab the first thing of leftovers I see and pop it into the microwave. Rice and broccoli from last night. It’s just so exciting eating healthily. “You’re on grocery shopping duty next then.”

“Have you seen Harry yet at your new job?” Skye pipes up, ignoring my question. I truly wonder how many times I roll my eyes at her in one day or even one hour.

“No, I told you that I’m in like the way back in the admin department in the courts. He would be on the other side in the actual courtrooms where the cases are held, silly.”

“Oh well sorrrrrrrrrry,” she retorts and then yells another answer at the tv. “Who is Martin Clunes!”

The microwave beeps as I reach up into the cupboard and pull down a mug at random. It has superheroes donning its sides - Batman, Superman, and Wonderman. An old one of my dad’s. But that’s not who it makes me think of.

“Funnier is not a word!”

“Oh yes, it ‘s! Jus’ look it up in tha dictionary, or better yet, on yer phone,” he giggles in reply. Shaking my head, I type the word into Google and feel a smirk begin to warm my cheeks.

“Oh god, what ‘s that look for? I know that look’s no good.”

“So funnier is a word, huh?” I counter, feeling the smirk inch up my cheeks slowly. Turning my phone around, I show the Google page to him and watch his face morph into denial. A sneaky grin lines his lips as he resists to roll his eyes. His head falls next with a defeated sigh and he punches the pillow.

“Don’t you roll your eyes at me, Harry Styles,” I tell him, my lips letting loose a laugh. He joins me before groaning and taking his word off of the board.

“I needa break,” he huffs. The sofa whines from his shifting weight and I hear his footsteps trailing behind him.

“Tea break?” I ask and hear a pleased ‘yes’ in return.

“Here lemme, ‘s my turn anyways,” Harry insists, and I feel his hand on my back. Facing him, he winks a hazel-green eye at me. “Go pick yer word, Becks. Lemme take care of tha tea.”

I nod and begin to turn to walk away. I almost stop when I feel his long fingers rub a circle into my back. But I don’t, because they’re gone before I can blink. A silent sigh drops from my bottom lip as I walk away from him.

You have no idea what you do to me, Harry Styles.

The thoughts being sewn together in my mind revolve around something other than the Scrabble tiles sitting in front of me. Instead, they’re about how well the skinny blue jeans hug his legs and another asset of his. And how the black and blue flannel he wears makes him look insanely cozy. My God.

“Don’ think so hard, Becks,” Harry titters, and I pull my eyes away from the Scrabble tiles that were beginning to grow blurry. I look to him with a question on my face and find him laughing with those eyes on me. “Can’t find any good words, eitha?”

“No,” I say with a shake of my head. I let my head fall to the back of the sofa I’m curled up against.

“Tha’s fine. Why dontcha put it t’ tha side an’ we can do somethin’ else?”

“Like what?” I ask, moving our racks of tiles to the coffee table where the board sits.

“I dunno, you can pick,” he answers. As I grab for the remote, I hear the pouring of water and the clinking of spoons.

Yawning, I sink into the sofa and press the power button. The television screen comes to life in front of me and the last thing watched appears. I flip through the channels, and after a couple of programs, I arrive on a familiar scene.

“Oooo, Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince,” I hear, turning to find Harry arriving on the sofa next to me. I take the steaming Marvel mug in his outstretched hand with a ‘thank you.’

“I didn’t know you liked Harry Potter,” I mumble before blowing on my tea. After deciding it’s far too hot, I sit forward and set it down on a coaster.

“Oh, I love it. I read a few o’ tha books when I was younger, an’ ya can’t find a betta movie. There’s nothin’ like these,” he answers, eyes already glued to the screen. He sets his tea aside with a clud on the table. “Here,” Harry says, and I look over to find him draping my velvet black star blanket over me. And him.

“Mmmm, thanks,” I mumble happily, pulling it up to my shoulders. I feel him move around next to me before finally getting comfortable.

“Yer welcome, bug. I think this issa good way t’ spend tha resta tha night. Too cozy an’ tired t’ do anythin’ else,” he comments with a laugh ending his words.

I nod and tip my head to the side, not expecting to find his shoulder right there. I freeze and peek a look up at him. He notices and glances down at me. All he does is smile at me before his eyes go back to the scene on the television.

I decide to stay there and he doesn’t seem to mind, only intent on commenting on the scene happening where Dumbledore first meets Voldemort. “Oooo, I like this part here. They make it look so cool with tha wisps o’ memories, an’ tha lighting ‘s incredible an’ so spooky.”

“Mmmmh, I always liked Tom Riddle, because of how creepy he is. And he’s much better looking than Voldemort,” I comment.

“What?” Harry laughs, taking a peek at me. His thick eyebrows are scrunched in a disbelieving question as a smile pinches his dimpled cheeks. “But Tom Riddle ‘s Voldemort, ya goof.”

“Yeah I know, but like his younger self is far cuter than the noseless bald bloke he becomes,” I try to explain, but he only shakes his head with a few giggles.

God, I think I could listen to that sound for hours on end.

“Ya don’ make any sense, sometimes,” Harry chuckles.

“Come on, yes I do! Wasn’t it like with every Horcrux he made he just started looking weirder?” I counter, nudging his shoulder with my own.

“No, ya silly! It was cuz he was so deep into tha dark arts-.”

“Including making the Horcruxes!” I almost shout in argument. I watch the realization embed into his features, and I know I’ve won.

“Okay fine, yer right. Well kinda. From what I rememba it has t’ do with that, an’ cuz he was a Slytherin an’ Parselmouth so he wanted t’ look like a snake. Y’know, tha lack o’ hair an’ nose? I also read that it could also be cuz he was one o’ tha last descendants of Salazar Slytherin,” Harry continues, words of admiration falling out one after the other.

“Woooooow. I didn’t know we had a Harry Potter geek in the house,” I say, trying to stifle a laugh, but it doesn’t work.

Another eye roll.

Then possibly the most adorable pout I’ve ever seen as he moves away from me with a whimper.

“Oh, I’m sorry,” I laugh, trying to pull him back over to me. But he’s so tall and long, that I have little success with my noodle arms. “Harry, I was just kidding.”

“Sure ya were,” he pouts, keeping his back to me as he settles on the other side of the couch.

His name leaves my lips in a laugh. My fingers remain around one of his biceps, and I pull, but he doesn’t move an inch. I give up with an exaggerated sigh and my own whimper.

Plopping myself back in my spot, I hunker down underneath the blanket. Pretending to watch the movie, I wait.

“Yer not gonna get me with that pout,” Harry says all of a sudden.

Taking that as a dare, I slowly look over at him. With knitted eyebrows and my bottom lip sticking out. A smile appears on his lips and blush fills his cheeks. His hands fall from his shoulder-length hair he’s just put into a bun.

“Fine, ya got me. I can’ stay mad at that face,” he relents with words dipped in sugar.

“You’re not the only one who can do a good puppy dog pout,” I comment as the couch dips with his movements. I feel his shoulder bump back into mine. I try not to smile too big as I tip my head to fall back against his shoulder.

“Ya comfy, bug?” Harry mumbles next to me.

“Mmmhmmm.”

“Good, ‘m glad me shoulder’s all comfy for ya,” he says, and I can hear the smile in his voice. I see it in all its glory when I chance a look up at him and find him smiling down at me.

It’s like looking into the sun. And like all of the times before - I never want to look away.

I swallow hard, feeling the lump forming inside of me.

“Can you please not bring him up anymore? It’s not helping the fact that I’m trying to forget him,” I spit at Skye, setting the mug down hard on the granite countertop.

“Sorrrrrrrrrry. Goodness, what’s gotten into you today? I thought you were liking your new job, Ree.”

“I am, I just don’t want to talk a-about Harry anymore,” I reply, pressing the button to open the microwave. The smell of broccoli and garlic trickles past me.

“You can’t even say his name,” she laughs, and I groan as I stir the broccoli and brown rice around in the hot glass bowl. “Heeeey, I’m sorry, okay? I don’t know why you gave up on him, you could always go back and finish your . . .”

Skye’s words trail behind me as my feet pad down the hallway to my bedroom. You’re not helping me to forget him, Skye.

You’re only making me remember him, and I’ve been trying so hard lately not to.

My quilt several shades of pink welcomes my return as I plop onto my bed. Shoveling a bite of broccoli and garlic rice into my mouth, I grab the remote and turn on my tv. Reaching for the Fire Stick remote teetering on the edge of the table, I push it and instead of grab. It clatters to the hardwood floor and I groan in response. Setting my dinner on the wood table, I regrettably leave my bed to retrieve it. Flicking on my lamp, I squat by the table and peer into the space behind my table.

There it is. The long black rectangle waits for me there. But just as I’m reaching for it, another rectangle catches my eye. This time, it’s a white one.

“Huh?” I mumble, feeling the stiff paper welcome my hands.

I flip it over and the light catches on it. The long envelope stares back at me, and so do the letters on its front. My name in black pen interrupts the white expanse, but that’s not the writing that I’m focusing on. It’s the return address.

Styles and Lawson 418 Stevens St. London UK

Turning it over, I finger at the sealed edge. I don’t realize I’m doing it, but I bite at my bottom lip as I debate whether to open it. I can’t stop wondering what’s inside, and the postage date of December 18th only makes my curiosity burn brighter. And the fact that I’ve never seen this before in my life.

“Skye, why do I have a letter from Styles and Lawson that I’ve never opened or seen before?” I yell to her through my half-open door.

“Oh, that? I put it on your bedside table when it came that day. How am I supposed to know why you haven’t opened it?” she quips, as dumbfounded as I am.

“It was behind my table, so it must have fallen.”

“Ya think?!” she replies with her usual loud volume, followed by another Jeopardy shout.

I rip it open without another moment of hesitation. The paper makes a satisfying sound. A matte white paper looks back at me. The numbers and watermark on it tell me what it is. My fingers recoil instinctively when I touch the glossy object. I instead pull it out by its edges.

Splashes of red and green and long-forgotten faces stare back at me. Myles. Mickey. Rose. Jennings. Myles. Rory. And Harry. Their faces are followed by the words “Merry Christmas from all of us at Styles and Lawson. Wishing you a happy Christmas and a fantastic New Year!” in a blocky white font. Little holly berry branches decorate the corners of the picture. A picture taken months ago at one of their big meetings, I assume. The sun is shining in through the window, and Harry’s hair isn’t as long. Everybody’s arms are around each other and a big goofy smile sits on his face. Tongue out and all.

I do it before I can stop myself. My finger dances around the outline of his face, and down the black and maroon suit he wears in the picture. Probably the only printed picture I have of him, and one of the few I have in total. But there are enough burned into my brain that I’m already trying to erase.

I toss them both onto the floor, leaving them behind my table where I wish they would’ve stayed in the first place. I return to my broccoli and rice and play a new video on YouTube. It does a good job of drowning out his voice in my head, but not good enough.

I want ya t’ come back, Becks. I want us t’ try again . . .. . . ..

Shades of brown dance around in the steaming water. I watch them twirl together and meet one another. The water slowly grows darker and darker as steam rises off of the surface.

“If you stare any harder, I think your superpowers will come out and it’ll explode,” somebody says wryly.

“Wow, I didn’ know you were a comedian,” I respond, wrapping my fingers around the warm metal chain.

“I didn’t know you were eco-friendly all of a sudden,” Myles says, nodding his head towards my cup of tea. “Or a little kid, with that dorky thing.”

“Oh shuddup,” I respond, watching the brown liquid fall from the pink silicone pig tea infuser. “It makes me feel good tryna save tha environment, an’ this li’l thing ‘s bloody cute.”

“Sure, if you’re a bleeding first-grader,” he responds with a titter, pulling a mug down from the shelf.

“Yer jus’ jealous,” I quip as I pry off the pig’s head and dump the soggy tea leaves into the waste bin.

Myles laughs and walks around me to the black fridge to take out the carton of milk. I blow on my steaming mug, watching little waves form in the brown water from my breath. A little water tornado forms from my next breath. I watch in fascination as it twirls around in the mug before finally tapering out.

“You okay, Hare?” Myles asks, his voice taking on a softer tone. A friendly tone. “You haven’t seemed like yourself lately. You haven’t even been drinking coffee much, and that’s odd.”

“I’m fine,” I answer, bringing the mug to my lips and avoiding his eye contact. Setting the mug down on the counter, I chance a look inside the fridge and wonder what to have for lunch.

“Is it Becky leaving? Is that why you’ve been acting differently?” Myles prods, nearly pulling a sigh from my lips. Or a groan.

“I said ‘m fine, My,” I nearly retorted, my eyes glazing over the lone yogurts and forgotten sandwiches occupying the shelves. Slamming the door, I walk away and pick up my phone from the table in the center of the room. Maybe some takeaway.

“Hare, you know you can talk to me about it,” Myles insists, throwing his hands up in the air. I ignore him, typing something on my phone, but I can see him out of the corner of my eye.

Like he often does, he uses his hands to talk and they jump in the air only to fall with an exasperated sigh. Then they comb through his tousled blonde hair.

“I hate seeing you like this, and not knowing how to help,” he continues softly. I give up, pressing the lock button on my phone and shoving it into my pants.

I finally face him and look in his distraught brown eyes.

“I miss her, Myles! I connected with Becky, a-and I screwed it up. I called her a liar and Amber was harassing her tha whole damn time without me knowing!” I confess, feeling the weight of the words fall from my shoulders as I finally say them. But the emotion rises in my throat, no matter how hard I try to hold it back. “She was amazing! She put up with me shit, and yet she stood up fer herself when she needed t’. She was funny, she was smart, she was beautiful, an’ I fooked it up!” The emotion eats at my words and by now, the horses are already out of their gates. And I don’t know how to corral them back in. “I hate feeling this way, but I dunno how you can help or even how I can help myself, Myles. So ‘m not g-gonna be myself ‘til I learn how t’ get ova this.”

I don’t know what to do. I steal a glance at him and find the sadness in his eyes is worse than before. I can’t handle it, and so I lift my feet and soon I’m walking out of the room. Leaving my tea, and the god awfully cute tea infuser pig. The one she got me before she left.

“I saw it and immediately thought of you.”

“Wow, thanks, that makes me feel all warm an’ bubbly inside.”

“No, silly, I just mean it looked like something you’d like. And since you drink tea so much. And you’ve been buying metal straws and bamboo toothbrushes . . It seemed fitting. And isn’t the little piggy just so cute?”

“Yeah, I guess yer right . . . it really ‘s cute.”

Winding my way around coworkers, I suddenly find myself in front of the elevator stabbing at the buttons. I don’t even register which one I’ve pushed, because I want to be anyplace but here. Today is worse than most because anywhere I look there’s a memory of her stuck there. And they jump into my head and start playing before I can stop it.

The elevator doors open with a ding and I step into the empty four walls, gladly. Rubbing at my eyes, I stab at the button for the parking garage my car is at. With a sigh, I feel some of the tension boiling inside of me leave. I get rid of the warm tears painted under my eyes and blink hard until my vision is clear again.

Suddenly, the doors open and I nearly curse out loud when I see who’s waiting. The look on his face says that he feels about the same way. I step to the side, allowing him room to join me. He almost changes his mind, but he steps on and presses the button for 17. An awkward silence surrounds us as the elevator hums to life, dinging with each floor it passes.

“Can I ask you a question?” I blurt out loud, doubting myself the second the words pass the threshold of my lips.

His confused gray eyes rise and lock with mine, a question on his face. “What?” he answers, nearly annoyed with me.

“I’m sorry, we’ve neva really talked and ‘ve neva been very nice t’ ya-,” I try, but he stops me.

“Yeah, you haven’t, Harry, and so why should I? The last time I did a favor for you it didn’t really turn out too great,” Asher responds sharply, moving further away from me shaking his head. Pulling his phone from his pocket, he changes his focus to that.

I look away and bite at my bottom lip.

Way to go, Harry.

But then the words are being shoved past my tongue and I can’t stop them.

“I . . . jus’ wanna know if she’s doin’ alright,” they say, and I’m not even sure if he heard me with how quiet they were.

Staring ahead, I see his head of blonde quiffed hair rise. He doesn’t say anything right away, but instead, he seems to think about it before he raises his head fully.

“She’s okay,” he responds, with certainty to his words. And with those words, they take a little more of the tension I feel coating my body.

“Good, ‘m glad t’ hear that . . . Is she uh liking her new job?”

“Yeah, she said it’s good. I dunno if I should be telling you this, but uh she found a clerk job in town. The same sorta thing as what she did here, which is good and makes switching jobs easier,” he continues, and I soak up every word because they’re about her. I wish I could hear these words from her mouth. But I can’t, and that’s my fault.

“A-an’ they’re good t’ her there?” I continue, not knowing how to articulate the rambling thoughts in my head.

“Yeah, they are,” Asher says, looking at me briefly. I look back and I watch his expression soften. “She’s doing well, Harry. She misses it here sometimes, but she’s adjusting and I think she’s where she needs to be right now.”

He doesn’t get to say anything more, because the elevator doors glide open.

“Thank you, Asher . . I really mean it,” I tell him, giving a small smile. He nods and steps off and out of sight.

And thus began our random elevator talks. I looked forward to them, even if they only lasted a couple minutes. And even if I only got to hear a vague update about her. And even if it made trying to forget her harder.

The halls are quiet. A ghost town from earlier in the day where hundreds of feet traveled, and even just twenty minutes ago. But it’s the lunch hour, and everybody else has the same idea as me. To leave. Now, my black mod boots are the only sound on the speckled floors. The tall ceilings hide fluorescent lights and the gorgeous stained glass also hides, but from the snow. Identical snowflakes fall in the sky outside, and I pull my coat tighter around me in preparation to join it.

The snowflakes melt in my hair and try to fly into my face, the wind pushing them this way and that. My car takes forever to warm up, making me curse myself for forgetting my matching violet hat and mittens on my desk. It only has just begun to warm up when I pull up in front of the towering brick building. Flocks of people rush to the doors from their cars, and the other way around. The vents blasting out warm air hush when I turn the key, bringing the chill with it.

Well, this is it. My lungs heave a nervous breath and I try to sike myself up to even just open the door. But my thoughts get the best of me, and strings of what-ifs and doubts circle in my mind.

What’s the point?

What if it turns out the same way as before?

What if I can’t do it?

What if I’m not good enough?

What if I made the right decision to leave?

Why should I try again?

What if I don’t like it anymore?

How can I do it by myself again when I never could the first time?

What if I fail?

Finally, I open the door and get out before I can stop. And I decide to leave all of the what-ifs and doubts there. Behind me. I focus on picking up my feet and putting one in front of the other until I’m standing in front of the familiar doors I haven’t stood before in a long time.

The warmth welcomes me and so does the familiar smells of books and fried chips. The smells I always associated with this place. Lines of people fill the entrance and conversations paint the air. The Christmas decorations are long gone, and new knick-knacks and flyers replace them. Instead, cheesy Easter decorations line the bulletin boards. Yellow baby chicks. Pink fluffy banners. Easter eggs colored in patchy by tiny hands. Colorful signs advertise local events, reminders, schedules, and many more things I don’t have the time for.

Pushing back the sleeve of my coat, I peek at my watch. I have 20 more minutes until I have to be back at work. Oh goodness, I hope I won’t regret this.

But I don’t think I will, because I’m finally doing something about all of the nagging thoughts and ideas I’ve had the last few weeks. And I’m proud of myself for at least taking the first step.

Stopping in front of the Information Desk, I’m met with a cheery smile asking me how they can help me.

“Hi, I was hoping to speak with an advisor, a Mrs. Shepherd,” I begin, feeling the words roll off my tongue with hesitance. I’m surprised with myself for even remembering the name.

“Do you have an appointment with her?” she responds, looking away from her computer she types on.

“No, I uh was just on my lunch break and I was hoping to meet with her to speak about something.”

“Alright. I’m going to need your name and what your question is for her,” the lady replies, looking between her computer screen and me. I pause, focusing on the fake yellow chick sitting atop her screen. Her heavily lined eyes wait for me behind her pink framed glasses, and her curly brown hair dances in the wind from her mini fan.

“My name is Rebecca Holte, and I wanted to speak with Sally about finishing up my last 30 credits of my law degree.”

#the assistant #fanfic #writing #harry styles #one direction #1d #harry #au #harry au #alternate universe #lawyer au #lawyer #pa harry #fine line

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diebatsfliegenthings · 6 years ago

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LP 1: Intro to Fiqh & Talab’l-’Ilm

Alhamdulillah, I decided to follow up my Ramadan with spending some time catching up on my LP lessons. As a form of accountability, I will be writing my daily notes here in shaa Allah.

____

Allahumma a inni ‘ala dhikrika wa shukrika wa husni ibadatik (Oh Allah, help me remember You, thank You, and worship You in the best manner.) is one of the most frequent Prophetic du’aas and can be done inside the salah and thereafter.

Surah Furqan 25:61-77 was recited. The translation from Sahih International is below:

Blessed is He who has placed in the sky great stars and placed therein a [burning] lamp and luminous moon.

And it is He who has made the night and the day in succession for whoever desires to remember or desires gratitude.

And the servants of the Most Merciful are those who walk upon the earth easily, and when the ignorant address them [harshly], they say [words of] peace,

And those who spend [part of] the night to their Lord prostrating and standing [in prayer]

And those who say, "Our Lord, avert from us the punishment of Hell. Indeed, its punishment is ever adhering;*

Indeed, it is evil as a settlement and residence."**

And [they are] those who, when they spend, do so not excessively or sparingly but are ever, between that, [justly] moderate

And those who do not invoke with Allah another deity or kill the soul which Allah has forbidden [to be killed], except by right, and do not commit unlawful sexual intercourse. And whoever should do that will meet a penalty.

Multiplied for him is the punishment on the Day of Resurrection, and he will abide therein humiliated -

Except for those who repent, believe and do righteous work. For them Allah will replace their evil deeds with good. And ever is Allah Forgiving and Merciful.

And he who repents and does righteousness does indeed turn to Allah with [accepted] repentance.

And [they are] those who do not testify to falsehood, and when they pass near ill speech, they pass by with dignity.

And those who, when reminded of the verses of their Lord, do not fall upon them deaf and blind.

And those who say, "Our Lord, grant us from among our wives and offspring comfort to our eyes and make us an example for the righteous."***

Those will be awarded the Chamber for what they patiently endured, and they will be received therein with greetings and [words of] peace.

Abiding eternally therein. Good is the settlement and residence.

Say, "What would my Lord care for you if not for your supplication?" For you [disbelievers] have denied, so your denial is going to be adherent.

The ayat above are the descriptions of people on whom the effect of knowledge can be seen.

The life of this dunya cannot be left on autopilot because if that happens, then you’re going down. There needs to be a guide to move you forward to the objective.

It’s important to take a step back, understand where we are, and make sure that we don’t let that moment overwhelm us from the main goal, which is to get closer to Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala & develop a love for Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala in a strong & a perfect way.

This weekly halaqa is an opportunity to remind ourselves weekly (in my case, daily) of how the Prophet salallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam perfected his worship. AE recommended the poetry of Sh. Ammar Alshukry to remind us of the Prophet salallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam.

“Sometimes you need a teacher just to push you beyond what you think you can do.” Jibril ‘alayhis salaam pushed the Prophet salallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam and because of his persistence, we’re benefitting now from his teachings thousands of years later. AE hopes (& maybe we can make this as well with our own circles) to force us to take the same path--i.e., to get closer to Allah subhanahu wa ta ‘ala by studying Islam.

Human nature is to fade away--all one can do is to remind & encourage.

We have to thank Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala because without His Tawfeeq and Blessings, none of this (LP class and other related things) will be possible. We ask Him for sincerity and purity of intention, ameen.

Stability is very important for any teacher (reminder as well for those who are married & planning to get married to one). AE said he’s teaching the sisters so they can be as good as his wife.

May Allah subhanahu wa ta’ala preserve and continue to bless them, Allahumma ameen.

AE emphasized the importance of the husband supporting the wife in raising the kids after the unfortunate news of a mother trying to raise a hafidh was talked about.

‘Ilm is one of the best forms of sadaqa jariya.

Most important lesson for the day is that you have to rise up to the challenge if you want to be a proper Muslim. That means showing incredible endurance & stamina.

Fiqh is to deeply understand something.

Prophet (salallahu ‘alayhi wa sallam): “Whoever Allah swt wants good for his/her religion; He gives him fiqh in the deen.”

Fiqh here means "deep stable, quality understanding; an ability to derive; an ability to move out of the mundane; an ability to look at a text which says something & take out something from it; an ability to look at a legal source & derive many legal points & laws for the use of the people.”

As we can see from this, fiqh is a human process and is thus prone to human error. So we have to make sure people don’t take fiqh as serious as they make it, i.e., don’t fight over it.

AE uses this as definition of fiqh: Fiqh is not ‘aqeedah.

Thus, chill out. ‘Aqeedah, you can’t mess up with it. With fiqh, there are so many ahadith that require a context & differ according to these contexts. It’s a human effort and can be differed over.

The top students will memorize the Arabic text.

Even the longest journey will be made easier with blessed company.

Here are the transliterations of the du’aas in the above-mentioned ayat:

*Rabbanaasrif ‘annaa ‘adhaaba jahannam. Inna ‘adhaabahaa kaana gharaama.

**Inahaa saaa at mustaqarran wa muqaama.

***Rabbanaa hablanaa min azwaajinaa wa dhurriyyaatinaa qurrata a’yunin waj’alnaa lil muttaqeena imaama.

#lp #notes #logicalprogression #islam

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hayle64 · 8 years ago

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playing mercy with fatigue harvested thoughts from another rough night i was too in my head/paying no attention in since i was elsewhere getting compromised/almost making some pleasurable love with outdoor flashy lights that had one earring runnin incredibly wild (dont lose it again). first time inna long time im showing up all alone. not all the way by myself, i came along with him, him, the overgrown nigga whos playing tracks they’re finding themselves uncontrollably moving towards. a few songs, a couple less wus good’s, im here searching for a special to cure this over the top exhaustion i shouldn't have been feeling so soon. is this how im suppose to feel cause damn gravity’s hittin pretty heavy. signs to take as find you the bombay equinox, nigga you dont even really like this joint anyway. making it inside, rudely not seeing the who that was around me once quietly stepping forward. first cup and im already politely letting go when our hands touched. hope the, “sorry i didnt see you, go head thats all you, i’ll make that next one” was alright. she smiles which i took as it was alright. departing away just as quickly as i entered. finding this back of mines hugging/putting in that strong work against a friendly empty space. watching them all closely atta afar. tonguing a memory of first day’s i couldnt get a single somebody to lemme take a seat with em. biting my lip once i started realizing its now “do you know if ivy’s gonna make it”. biting down even harder cause the answers are probably sum like who knows when it comes to that nigga.. unfazed and defenseless by this muck of an imagination im touring through. wondering how much time had passed before i heard the question thrown in a room full madness. a calm “what do you want?” that violently spun chills throughout my core.. covering my face with my beaten bruised left. pressured dark palm of mines answering i want to leave here. but damn that was minutes ago n’ im still in that same empty space doing courses through my hair with these fingertips. placing a curious focus on the ceiling. my body strangely maybe appearing to be in waits for someone to comfortably grab,tug, pull on me with some urgency. always been in belief i was lost. ive been having dreams lately of a someone/something finding me witta genuine approach of theres this place im suppose to be. a place unbothered thats filled witta feel only i or we could understand (fuck).. im wondering off too much, guess im again in another place i've spent too much time caressing. stealing another sip of this sweet that sleeps within the bottom of the plastic cup. a taste no where close to that stay on your mind fountain you can find between carefully soft places she may called her private flower.. swaying to sound that was more than right to keep me a moment longer. started smiling to myself to some unpure idea i cant remember, but was deep enough i almost had dropped this almost emptied cup. starting to think i had too much, im feeling this touch around the arm that wasnt one from me. looking down to realize what was standing patiently in front for me to notice. braver around five’six asking the surface question of if im really enjoying this song. the color close to red that’d probably shown on my face if it wasnt for the dark pigment. it was more the simple record, i tend to take myself to other/nevermind unable to reply to whats she was asking from the green eyes and light mixed tribe skin that were nicely distracting. i was thinkin how long were you rite there, understanding later she had been watching since that bitter tropical drake song. if i payed more attention her eyes was making conversation when we both grabbed that same cup back then in that one room (buggin). innocent stalking from across the way. her friends, a few girls all pretending to not watch what could be talked upon inna later group text. time now passing from shared schools we both attend, and the fact she’s a nurse fora hospital i just happen to be born in. she doesnt do parties, this was a rare monday night cleanse. venue shows hosting small artist on the weekends her only real pleasure beside reading books from favorite chefs. she’s has an older sister who was also one of four watching. she wasnt as thick as the younger sister, or im meant close to me as her little sister, but i could easily see this family resemblance. “ivy what do you like to do?”, shit bashful thinking, jumping fences, getting a thick ass to sit up on it in reverse positions (my drinks almost completed, fuck). redness on her face before the “omg, ivyyyy seriously?” that had me thinking bout my recent ended relation.. i get it, i really get it, the last letter was y’ and like my ex always into dropping unnessecary questions before the panties, i can clearly see you will maybe be no different with the curiosity. eyes again prowling since theres a new expression on her face. they're waiting again for something to happen and god the darker me’s saying you know what you are make her overwhelmed by those few letters.. put in the action to get them all wet through a “thats what i need” universal connection. a mouthful with these hands, theres a reason for this attire. my types foever been the book girl in the small dark sundress (i fucks with the outfit). her lips moving, im thinking more than listening about her face in the dirties ways cause she had the nerve to come up to me without even knowing my name.. a gentle night to free the mind, she probably believes im smiling to whatever she's saying, but im afraid this precious lily doesnt gotta grasped on how rocky im tending to make this wave she’s provoking become. small talk and niggas who get the urge to touch whats mines/she was mines (chill save that for later), is some shit i cant put up it. crossroads with these building emotions that are taking over. i wanna aggressively choke you even if i just met you. telling myself lightly grab her throat n’ ask what was it you really desired from me. fuck the disguise, speak the truth, lemme know if theres an outcome to this night that i could give you what would it be.. romantics along paradise cove before the sun rises, or would you prefer getting bent in local parking lot, where your face was only kissing me/rear seat. ive been such a good nigga and this bitch got me feelin tempted. ima sick bastard unable to focus and i know she sees it. a working nurse huh?, well place the stitching near this wound around my heart. show me how precise those hands of yours really are. me and my ex never got the chance to play that part, i mean we did alotta things that if i told you, you probably take off and leave me (doubtful). she grabs my arm again, the shit to obviously bring that tragic back. asks that irritating line of “gimme you instagram”.. take a second and straight up say iight, but imma head out for minute (never came back, crashed near the water. had to uber to the homies to find the homie had tried to get with the other sister in the past, legendary)

#who is this girl in the picture #you have a girlfriend #nah but im getting kinda bored now i gotta dipp #missin her

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indigoschool · 8 years ago

Text

A Shroom Report

This is a piece by Indigo School member Bailey from his trip on shrooms.

“Below is a writing I composed during a recent shroom trip. I could have given backstory or additional details but I’ve decided to leave it organic as I feel the writing is organic as well.” - Bailey

This is so intimate and exposed my phone gives off new energy I wasn’t feeling before

I want to be able to touch and caress another idk if it would lead sexually im water but thick like honey im so fluid it would probably be sexual And a orchestration my mind is so many different levels and dimensions of depth pure human my room is so small but my mind is so expansive the longer periods of time I use my phone I feel as if im being pulled into something I can literally become lost in my mind it’s a infinite being simple barbaric wanting to bite and to feel everything another human would be splendid her love passion late by kanye west her phone feels alien is it better to love and never have the chance to be hurt or risk the love for something great emotions are so deep feminine divine thoughts roam but return to her warm never let me down kanye West her love or lust? Love lust is purely sexually feelings and intentions and love is so much deeper I wanna know her on every level lol kinda corny but society made love corny because it’s emotion and it’s so deep and hsrd to explain we get scared or overwhelmed by it and instead should embrace it and everything it is and just be she’s so beautiful she’s better than me I value my self lower because of the value I hold thee love change is scary but thats what makes it fun the unknown present living present I can image the future we could have but if it’s not so it will hurt but if it is the will expand into something great and undescribable love pure love is it worth the gamble will the feelings be mutual or more ever building off each other pure her I wanted you to read this feminine mind working vulnerable understanding loving is that what she wants over thinking will the feelings be mutual raw emotions pure feeling love want her love is suffocating Inna Good way in which it takes over everything pure powerful red warm 808s and heartbreaks speaks to me robocop this could be us beautiful she’s so beautiful will feelings be the same it could be so beautiful honest pure Harmony why is this trip like this blame game by kanye West I love this song pure emotions I want her emotions are like rhythms life is rhythms rhythmic beautiful irrescribable wow will the words I write portray the same meaning and feeling that I pour into them? Will they be comprehended?

And felt the way that I am feeling them. Words are such a horrible way of coneveying true feelings and emotions and intentions gender is fluid while I feel feminine and masculine and balanced at one pure love blame game by kanye West is beautiful idk why I want you to read this probably because no one else in touch with the feminine side lmao why that sound corny too society got us washed this is my pure emotion poured over a canvas emotions feel like a warm liquid but thick and sparkling something mystic she’s that someone she’s mystic she’s sparkling I want her to experience her how deep she is emotionally lmao ik How that sounded how complex a individual idk if this will be felt and comprehended like I intend too I want her my heart love will she want me I want her to feel as deeply for me as I do for her but in no selfish intent but for her to be able to feel this pure feeling of love I want her to be happy my emotions are deep but will hers be as deep for me? Im a chalice overflowth medieval times are appealing to me alchemy Golden I want to live for her. Will she live for me? Is that the creation of a perfect being? No selfish intent purely for another? Say you will by kanye West the heart is so strong I love her she’s so beautiful so divine women and men so much balance women are strong men will pretend to be but emotions overtake we will do things for her say you will by kanye West is beautiful I feel like this is getting too long for you too keep interest but I want you to help me. Help me understand and guide me. Wow me looking for guidance. While im usually one who gives guidance. I feel like you’ll understand. We are so clouded by day to day life some people are so content why do I wanna know so much deeper l really want her she’s so beautiful and complex time doesn’t feel like it exist one seamless flow the human language is such a weak attempt to be able to… This will you want to read this to help me this is alot and vulnerable this has become a cross of my emotions and the trip documentation everything happens for a reason and presents itself at a certain time as my playlist ranges from moods vibes feelings but it all makes sense humanity I want her I keep going back to that my mind is so complex but simple at the same time perspectives continually change everything does water fluid motion duality this is incoherent but coherent at the same time because we can all relate feelings are so powerful im having a break though 808s and heartbreaks is so pure such a beautiful creation am I writing this as a letter for one to read or self documentation and analysis why do I do the things that I do? Why does anyone do anything? I want these answers it’s so deep something beyond something beyond what is normally conceived we have created so many beautiful things why must be create evil as well this is so pure jazz is so nice soul filled is the the passion forget what you could get out of it as a material gain but you do it because you love it I feel like I relate to everyone im connected to everyone everyone feels this people will say this is crazy or insanity but they feel it too I speak the truth the saxophone in drive slow by kanye is so nice family business is beautiful as well from kanye the pianos are so nice emotions ahah I love it why do people want to be hateful? Something eating at them but hating someone else somehow makes that better we continue to lie to ourselves but it’s impossible cuz we know ahah who is gonna want to read all of this ahha it’s so insightful though just daunting because of its length but life isn’t a short answer everything is complex while being simple we can never understand this she’s so beautiful we created this world we live in in order to give order into something we can’t understand I want to confess my feelings we are all so misunderstood why does society view us like this? Why are they so scared to embrace the unknown and just be I am spewing my feelings and inner thoughts into this will any one even want to read this? Or is a normal and basic human mind disregard it? Most people don’t understand this why can’t they understand this I love this why can’t we be like this I keep having recurring feelings and thoughts are these the most truthful or should all thoughts be held at the same regard? I want people to understand this. No one will read this. This is so long and has no organization why do we do this! I want answers so bad. I feel hopeless why will this be disregard look at all this information just thrown away I want people to see this but will they? Im upset with myself because I want someone to read this but fear because of the length no one will. Why can’t people achieve this with me? Why do darker places.. Why do we want them once we are im them? I really want someone to read this. Idk what to do with myself. This writing is beautiful, it’s a work art will anyone understand this? This is a literary work of art. This is the the pure expression of the human mind. Time is such a luxury. Im at the point of wanting to sleep but of course my mind will not let me. What id this anymore. A personal documentation or a cry for help? That felt like what I should say. Im so fucking mad no one is going to fucking read this goddammit I want them too soo bad what am I Doing… Fuck im going to stop writing in hopes that someone will still read this for me. What have I gotten my self into? Feeling as if I stop I’ll miss something crucial that I wanted them to know. It’s not suppose to be like this. We are too pure and simple minded for all of this. Yet so complex. We are our own self enemies, mankind. I just want to help others. This is why I feel the urge to write. In hope that it can help someone. I don’t live for myself, I live for others. Is this how it’s suppose to be? I want her. Why do I feel like she has all the answers. It’s wrong to put that onto someone. This writing has gotten much more coherent as the thoughts are more complete instead of all over the place. I feel like the evolution of mankind. Infinite. Someone understand this with me. We long to be with mother Earth. I no longer feel the need to write so this is my proper ending I suppose.

#mushrooms #indigo art #art #writing #indigo child #indigo children #indigos #consciousness #shrooms

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ninavale · 6 years ago

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So this is another bit of my “brainstorming” idea about silver eyes I've talked with several people like @saradominists I had like back during volume 4. The lore is obviously VERY different than the current canon one, not only because it was created back then but I simply sort of like this idea better. Ozpin’s still a bit of a liar tho tagging also

Inna Forrester was humming under her breath as she organised the potions and herbal teas on the pantry shelf. The holy time of Magieve was coming soon, ok there was still around a week, but she could already feel the tingling sensation under her skin. And the forest felt it too. It was bristling with energy. She could almost touch it.

She loved Magieve. It was the night between thirtieth of April and first of May, and it was one of the few nights, along with Forefathers Eve(or Halloween as it was more commonly known) Midsummer and Winter Solstice when magical energy and those who benefited from it was stronger. There would be bonfires, flower crowns and spellcasting. And of course the tributes and prayers to the two main deities of the night. The Lord of Light and Great Mother. Sun and Mother Nature. Inna was most partial to the latter. Sun was, of course, important and she acknowledged that but Great Mother was the mistress of both life and death, she was the goddess of harvest and winter, of war and peace. And perhaps most importantly in the face of the holiday, she was the patroness of magic and all those who used it.

Suddenly Inna’s musings were interrupted by a loud knock on the door. She glanced at the clock and felt a twinge of fear. Did one of the women in town miscarry? Was a baby coming too early? Her mother’s midwife services were the only reason she could think of for someone to come to their door so late. As she made her way towards the front of the house more possibilities flashed through her mind. Maybe it was Raven? Her sister(or at least Inna regarded the woman as such. Not that it was reciprocated in any way) tended to come when she needed something and with everything that was going on in the world, it wouldn’t be out of the realm of possibility.

However, all of these possibilities flew out of the window when she opened the door. She was so surprised, that she stepped back. On her porch, stood Qrow, accompanied by his nieces and their two friends. She was honestly sure they were in Mistral. Or at least that Qrow was heading there with Ruby and...it suddenly hit her that the girl has not been travelling with her team but with some other friends of hers. And she couldn’t see them anywhere. And then there were the faces. Everyone looked...just so broken for the lack of better term.

“Little falcon what...” she trailed off when she saw some shifting in the background and a boy came forward. She immediately recognized him, and everything became both clear and more complicated at the same time. She sighed deeply and her shoulders sagged.

“Come on in, everyone,” she said “you can tell me everything when we sit down”

None of them said anything as they walked inside. Inna closed the door behind them before leading them into the kitchen. It had a long table with benches on both sides so everyone could fit in. They did so, again with this overwhelming, almost apathetic silence. In any other situation Inna would feel awkward and would have difficulties finding her words, but with Ozpin being there, she was just too tired and done to feel it.

“Ok,” she said, “what has he done this time?”

At first nobody answered but finally, Yang spoke up.

“He lied,” she said through clenched teeth “he kept secrets”

"About?”

“Everything” answered the girl. Inna let out a breath. That was getting nowhere fast.

“Alright, but you’ve got to be more specific Miss Xiao-Long,” she said “because that’s kind of his thing”

“He lied about his curse and about Salem, about relics and about silver eyes,” said Weiss Schnee, her voice was calm but her eyes were hard as steel and cold as ice, “he told us he’d keep no more secrets and no more half-truths. Yet he still lied. He hasn’t told us what the relics can do. He never told us that the lamp we’ve obtained will attract Grimm. Nor that it has a spirit trapped in it, that you can ask questions”

“And then when we tried to obtain information he was trying to possess Oscar to stop us” added Yang, throwing a hateful glare towards the young boy “but Ruby did it anyway, and we found out he got cursed because of he basically let two major tragedies happen and let innocent people die because he was too much of a coward to act. He also didn’t tell is that the dammed woman can’t be killed”

Inna’s own eyes widened. She had been progressively more and more shocked by these revelations. Alright, the siege and fall of Caer Gwynn, she could understand. It was human nature to try and hide memories that were loaded with guilt and shame, and as much as it pained her to admit...it was long ago. All- with two exceptions - that have been there to witness it, have been dead for a long time. It wasn’t anything too crucial. But relics and Salem being unkillable by regular methods? That was rather important. And it seemed like there was even more to come. She let out a grunt and put her hand to her forehead. She could already feel a headache coming.

“And then there are silver eyes” continued Yang, clenching her fists “he..he failed to...no, he was insistent on trying to cover up that my sister can end up blind or mad or dead”

“WHAT?” that question came a lot louder than expected. Inna’s head snapped up and she turned to Oscar or Ozpin “YOU HAVEN’T TOLD THEM ABOUT THAT?”

The young boy shifted uncomfortably and hung his head.

“And he trained her in throwing punches instead” continued Yang, her tone bitter.

Inna was speechless by this point. She just couldn’t find the words. For all her knowledge of Ozpin’s secrecy and want of thought, this was beyond anything. She didn’t even know how she felt right now, or what she should do. Part of her wanted to scream at him and curse him ten times over or trap him in a coin or something for eternity. Or drag him to Salem in chains for her to deal with him.

Then her eyes fell on the children at the table, and on Qrow, and she remembered just how broken they’ve all been. She looked at Ruby Rose, the girl, whom she’d heard described as energetic and always optimistic was looking down at the table, completely forlorn. And then she looked at Oscar..there was too little time for the ritual to be completed. She’d be taking out anger on an innocent, who already had too much on his plate. And he was just a kid. And then it hit her, with all these revelations and shocks, she’s completely overlooked that. He was a kid. Now that she had better look at him, he couldn’t be more than fifteen years of age. She really, really had no strength to deal with all this. It was too late in the night for that and too much. She pinched her eyes with a deep sigh, before looking at the gathering again.

“Listen,” she said, forcing herself to keep calm. Someone had to be strong, and it seemed like this doubtful privilege fell on her. Again “ It’s late, we’re all tried and you all obviously had a hard time lately. We’re not going to find solutions today. It has no point really. I suggest we all go to sleep and return to it tomorrow morning. I’ll show you around the house and we’ll find you blankets and someplace to lie down”

The teens looked at each other, before nodding. It was clear they were exhausted and just wanted to forget about all of this, even if for a couple of hours. They all got up from their seats. Inna was about to move when she noticed Qrow was still sitting at the table.

“Qrow” she had at least enough mind to call him by his name this time.

He shook his head and looked at her, blinking several times. Like he just woke from a daze

“Come on,” she said gently “time to go”

He sighed and picked himself up, slowly. Following after her and the kids. The tour was quick. The teens all decided they want to be in the same room, so they picked the big room on the first floor, that served as second living room, and a bit of library. Qrow didn’t say anything so she assumed he’d be staying in the same room he’d always stayed. She provided the kids with blankets and pillows and told them that if they should get hungry during the night, they were free to make something for themselves and told them where the Mellisa teas were if they had trouble falling asleep. She then wished them goodnight and watched Yang and Ruby hug their uncle, before leaving with him. They got to his room without saying a word. She silently set his bed up and opened the window to let some much needed fresh air.

“I trusted him, you know,” he said, suddenly “I was cursed. No one wanted me. Ozpin...gave me a place I could belong, a home, a new family. I thought I was finally doing some good, but it was all a sham and for nothing. My niece can die and it will be all for a bunch of lies and deceptions and what’s worst I got her into it. Meeting him was the worst luck of my life”

Inna turned to him. He looked like he was going to break down and cry. She didn’t blame him. He had been abused by his family, told he was a curse, bane on everyone’s existence. And here was someone who saw him differently, gave him a chance. So he gave his all. Like all those helpless and damaged by life. He was ready to die and fight anyone for Ozpin, even other allies..and it was all a lie. It really did look like Ozpin saw Qrow the same way everyone else did. A bad luck charm, you couldn’t trust. Even though she knew it wasn’t true, even tho she knew that Ozpin’s lies came from his own guilt, shame and often sheer lack of common sense(then again, the heck did she expect from an Emerald Wizard? Common sense had never been their forte. Truly, it was a miracle they survived as long as they did) she couldn’t forgive the old wizard for that.

It was a quick decision. In an instant, she made her way across the room and wrapped her arms around Qrow’s waist, and held him for a while. She then pulled away and concentrated, and soon two vortexes of air, lifted her up, allowing her to stand a little higher than her 5′3 and comfortably run her fingers through his hair.

“You’re not cursed, little falcon,” she said gently “you have an inconvenient semblance, true but you are not cursed. Nor is what you do worthless or for nothing. Yes, Ozpin lied and it hurts” she paused “but still that doesn’t change what you’ve done. All the lives you have saved as a huntsman, they were real lives of real people. Would you rather be a bandit, and kill them?”

He shook his head “Of course not”

“See?” she smiled “and you don’t regret meeting Summer and Tai, and having two nieces, and training these kids at Signal, right? Aura always said that you were one of her favourite teachers. That you treated them all seriously”

he smiled weakly “No, I don’t regret any of it”

“And if it wasn’t for Ozpin meddling with both of our lives, I probably wouldn’t have met you either. I mean he was the one who sent you to me and told me to treat you and your sister like my own. I never regretted it. You’re like a brother I never had, and I wouldn’t change it for anything in this world. Gods could offer me power, they could offer me Caer Gwynn and all the knowledge it held, but I wouldn’t take that deal. And it’s true for Yang and Ruby and Tai too. There are people that want you and love you, and trust you”

She stayed silent for a moment, before smiling lightly.

“I’ll give you a little advice. It’s a song, that Yas wrote for you some time ago...and it seemed he had some sort of divine inspiration. It’s a song about getting lost in a world filled with chaos, and how there seems to be no good path or choice...”

“You can say that again” muttered Qrow, looking away

“But” she held her finger up “the last verse is filled with hope, it’s a solution for the seemingly hopeless situation” she coughed and recited the words:

The world is far too big

For you to save it

So at least try to guard

Those close to your heart

“So don’t fight for the great and powerful, don’t fight for Ozpin. You fight under his leadership and on his side because the other option is much worse. Choose the lesser evil, and fight for those you love. Your home, your friends, your family”

She hugged him again, and this time he returned it.

"And we’ll figure something out about Ruby. She’s not lost yet”

“Thanks” he muttered “I don’t think I’m going to be alright yet. It still hurts like hell, and I still don’t know what to do but...thanks”

“That’s what friends and family are for,” she said, pulling away with a smile “to be there for each other”

“Anyway, I meant what I said back in the kitchen,” she said “you’ve all been through some tough shit and you’re emotionally exhausted. Go to sleep, rest”

With that, she plated a small kiss on his cheek and called the vortexes away and left the room, closing the door behind her.

So, if there are any mistakes sorry. It’s sorta a brainstorming idea, I don’t know if I’ll go through with. In case I don’t. The backstory for Salem and Ozpin here is similar to my other story. Basically, Salem lived in a small community in the forest, and they were plagued by bandits and other hostile people and she asked Ozpin, who was her friend and a well-known wise man for help. He promised to come but due to his overly careful ways, and willing to see how things go, and maybe slight ‘runing from responsibility and pain’, he failed to appear. Her community was wiped out and she lost her family and watched it all burn before she died. She was s grieved she couldn’t move to the afterlife and as time passed by, her grief- as it is with restless spirit- wrapped her mind and she began hating Ozpin(especially after she learned more about him. a.k.a that he wasn’t as great as he was claimed to be. Yes, Ozpin has feet of clay is a running theme I have for him as character) and she also got a bit of resentment towards the living, and decided to repay him with the same pain she felt and destroyed the city of mages, he’d helped create.

Caer Gwynn means White Fortress credit goes to @twicebornrepository for going through dictionaries and helping me brainstorm this name. It’s going to be used in the other fic I’m actually writing so it’s not gonna go to waste.

Maginight/Eve is my translation of Czarodzielnica, Polish/Slavic equivalent for the Walpurgis Night/Beltaine.

The song used is the 3rd verse of Percival Shuttebach song: Dobro i Zło/Good and Evil. Translation is mine

In both of my stories, I’m using deities based on Polish/Slavic ones. I just...love them very much, and I don’t see them in fiction outside of Poland and maybe Ukraine or Russia. Great Mother is based on Marzanna, who despite what pop culture claims wasn’t just goddess fo death and winter but more like Mother Earth. She was the dualistic goddess of both life and death, she was the goddess of harvest and winter, and held the key to all four seasons. she was also connected to waters. And because of dualism she’s both connected with Ceres and Hekate, hence my goddess is the patroness of magic as well. Also, she’s such a strong diety, because Marzanna in Poland got replaced with Virgin Mary and being raised in Poland Mary is REALLY important to me, personally. Like I’m not kidding you people. The cult of Mary is strong. We have like 40 days a year when there is at least ONE Holy Virgin of( insert: name/patronage/painting/place) we’re worshipping and sometimes. Sometimes there are three in one day. The most known are Our Lady of Berries, Our Lady of Herbs(Assumption of Mary), Our Lady of Candles(Candlemass), Our Lady of Sorrows. Our Lady of Częstochowa...and many others. As I said the 40 are just DAYS, and there can be much stuff held on these days for different Marys patronesses of different things. Oh, and did I mention she’s crowned as Queen of Poland. So yeah. She is important people.

@sssn-neptune-vasilias (bc I think I once discussed the deities with you in regards to silver eyes. also you’re one of my faves on this hell site...and one of favourite smutt writers and writers in general) @northforwinter(bc Qrow needs a hug, we can agree)

#rwby #my fic #silver curse au

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