#I think not marrying or cohabiting with men does not stop us from organizing other forms of protest with them

[hadesoftheladies]

I find it very unfortunate that most people have a very romantic, heroic and “male” view of revolution or activism. Most people imagine it as sudden, loud, violent, glorious, public sacrifice and bleeding in the street. You think of protest and you think of destruction of property, bonfires and gas masks. It is sometimes, big and large donations. These can lead to change, but they oftentimes risk being performative.

Revolution and protest, I think, are actually very quiet affairs. Revolution is reading and learning to deconstruct culture and human behavior. Your own mind, where the colonization happens. I think Revolution happens in the daily choices of what we choose to consume. When people live their lives as protest rather than wait for a big moment. I think boycotting shouldn’t simply be about getting companies to bend the knee. It should be about divesting from an entire industry of exploitation. Our way of life should change. Revolution is us changing. Changing our minds and choices. And living in such a way that we create a community, however small, of different living. Where we buy each other’s soaps and wooden spoons and rely on each other’s expertise instead of buying a subscription (and I’m generalizing here I am aware bc activism must be intersectional to be effective). It is far more impactful that I stop consuming dairy for a lifetime than that I starve myself for a month in protest. It is far more costly to these corporations and to the status quo that I alter my life.

Men’s idea of glory is dying for their beliefs. That is the predominant narrative of heroism. Everyone dies. But living in accordance to your principles? Living as radically as possible? That’s rare and that takes a whole lot of work. An entire lifetime of boycotting is far more destructive to these systems than simply punishing yourself or putting pressure on others in the heat of a mob. It is far more revolutionary to think the forbidden thoughts and so do the uncommon thing. By living this way, we open a door for a new way of living for others. And when we create a new system of living as a community, we set up pillars here and there that will eventually hold up the future we are trying to build. It takes longer. The best works of art take longer. Quality takes more time and focus than quantity, and too many of us are worried about the quantity (how many people can we get to post the black square) rather than quality (how do my decisions impact those around me and how can I use that?).

I think that’s why so many of you look down on things like separatism and veganism. It is less sensational and more (at least in perception) inconvenient. But I have contributed to the environment way more by not eating meat than I would by donating thousands of dollars to green charities. And the reason I am vegan is because other vegans helped me integrate into that lifestyle. They “socialized” me so to speak. Separatism socializes women and men, too. Women separating socializes future policy makers and little girls that would have otherwise (likely) ended up in abusive relationships. It’s not glamorous: does that make it less impactful?

I think revolutionaries are not the ones that merely give a nice speech for the newspapers or volunteer (I am NOT saying volunteering is not worthy or valuable activism). Rather I think revolutionaries are the ones who are willing to change how they think and how they live first. I think the greatest thing a person can give to their causes is their entire life. Not money. Not suffering. Not a few days in the soup kitchen. Their entire way of living. Their consumption habits and their civic activities. Their intentionality in interpersonal relationships.

I think that’s how anything’s ever gotten better in the first place.

[red-riot-unbreakable]

cibophobia (Hannibal Lecter/Will Graham)

He wakes to low, rumbling speech, gentle stroking of his hair, and an awful crick in his neck.

The hand in his hair pushes his mess of curls aside and then it travels down to squeeze the back of his neck. He nuzzles closer to the rumble of a chuckle before the squeeze becomes a playful tug of the hair at his nape.

“Dinner is served, dear boy. You have had your beauty sleep.”

Will pushes upright with one hand and uses the other to properly push his hair away. His partner’s hand does not leave his neck until the flight attendant cheerfully places a single tray of food, gourmet by airline standards, in front of him.

Hannibal inspects every aspect of the meal he removes the plastic wrap from each dish. He even tilts the silverware this way and that before arranging the tray in front of Will properly. “I took the liberty of ordering for you. Parmentier de bouef seemed an acceptable choice.” As if on a whim the older man uses his thumb and forefinger to lift the cup of organic applesauce from the tray. It is calmly discarded to the very edge of Hannibal’s tray table.

“I would settle for a peanut butter sandwich at this point.” Will has learned not to question the man’s proclivities when it comes to airline food. “You would gag at the texture.” Hannibal admonishes. “And that is not how one should experience food. Now eat, lest your food becomes cold.”

The parmentier de bouef tastes like nothing more than a pretentious shepherds pie but he nearly scrapes the oval bowl to reach the last bits of sauce and mushroom. He eats his salad of beans and vegetables with less fervor and saves the roll of warm bread for last. All the while Hannibal seems to make a point of not watching him. He sips a glass of orange juice and reads from a magazine they’d bought in the terminal.

When the meal is over and the trays collected wine is served. Hannibal speaks to the attendant again and his French does not falter as Will boldly bundles back under his arm. Wine in hand he presses a kiss to the shaggy top Will’s head. If he pauses there and breathes deeply then Will simply chooses not to notice.

“You’re not eating?” He plays with the faux-glass that is filled with whatever Hannibal has decided is decent enough to ingest. For a man intent on laying low Hannibal would settle for nothing less than first class. “I’ve no stomach for the food here.” He flips to the next page of his magazine. It’s some standard men’s fashion and lifestyle magazine and of course, it’s in French. Will can only enjoy the pictures for now.

He sets the wine down and slides one hand into Hannibal’s waistcoat for no other reason than to feel his breathing and take in his warmth. “There’s fruit.” He suggests with a tilt of his head. “The bread was good.” He widens his eyes and turns his mouth into a pleading moue.

Sadly his cunning plan fails before it can truly begin.

“Do not try to use your wiles on me, darling Will.” A gentle kiss replaces his pout. “I will survive a few hours without food. I have wine and your beauty to nourish me.”

The little shit-eating grin is what really gets Will to roll his eyes. Hannibal is unpredictable and dangerous and he is very fond of dry humor played seriously; Will hates to love it.

He stroked his hand up and down Hannibal’s stomach with the barest movement. “You haven’t eaten since Zurich, have you?”

Hannibal kisses him silent.

They had disappeared. Will had fed his dogs and written a note to Alana. Hannibal had burned all of his journals. The house was carefully cleaned and hidden away under white sheets and heavy locks. It was almost polite.

Hannibal had spirited them away on prearranged passports and identification. The apartment in Paris was opulent as anything one would expect from Hannibal Lecter.

Six months as the happily married, though not officially despite Hannibal's protests, Lecter couple gives Will even more intimate insight into what makes Hannibal tick. Hannibal being a cannibal serial killer who had tried to ruin his life and possibly kill him was one thing. That bridge had been mended in its own way as they had come to truly know each other after his release from the Baltimore Hospital for the Criminally Insane. He had known that Hannibal was different. He had not, however, really noticed how overtly strange his lover was until they had begun to cohabitate.

To the outside world, Hannibal is every bit the polite, educated European nobleman. His accent was smooth and his grasp of multiple languages was impressive. His stylish yet tacky fashion spoke of peacocking wealth and the guilty pleasure of men's fashion magazines.

In the quietness of their home where only Will can see, Hannibal is, and Will is hesitant to even think it, neurotic.

Hannibal has his charming, silly quirks as any other person might. He owns seven pairs of the same pajamas and prefers to remain shirtless until it is time to get dressed for the day. He orders one specific brand of styling gel imported from some brand Will can't pronounce and would rather hide at home than use another brand. He detests having his nails cleaned, to Will’s surprise, and the look on Hannibal’s face when Will has offered to cut them had been not unlike a dog hung up in a harness to get its nails trimmed.

Hannibal also had his more concerning quirks. Daily their apartment was scrubbed from top to bottom with all the efficiency of a surgeon. All mail, even junk mail, is required to be in alphabetical order by date delivered. The refrigerator and pantry are similarly organized. Will is by no means allowed to help put away groceries.

“I can practically hear your stomach,” Will whispers into the broader man’s ear as they waltz around the room. He can smell that overly expensive hair product mixed with Hannibal’s surprisingly pedestrian cologne. The bottle did not have a ship on it, but he had been shocked to find it was something simply purchased at a department store.

The firm hand on his back twitches almost imperceptibly. “We had dinner before we left, my darling.” He drops a kiss to Will’s forehead as the dance slows to a stop. Will knows that Hannibal is well aware of the effect such little displays of affection have on him.

They step away from the dance floor. Hannibal snags them both a flute of champagne. Huddled close and intimate no one approaches for the moment. “You’re hungry, Hannibal.” He keeps his voice low. No one seems to notice them but one can never trust Parisian socialites. “You have a sudden interest in my eating habits.” His hand finds Will’s lower back again. Through the expensive material of his jacket, he can feel the warmth.

“I notice patterns. This is not the first time I've noticed you ignoring food,” Will corrects. His boyfriend, and how Hannibal hates the term, cocks his head slightly. Hannibal is a master of nonverbal communication or perhaps Will simply knows him. “You don’t eat when we aren’t at home.” He frowns. The pendulum does not swing over his gaze but he still filters through his memories.

That isn’t true. Hannibal had brought him breakfast and lunch a dozen times when they had become friends and, eventually, entered a secret relationship. The shocked looks on the faces of his students and fellow faculty members had grown old and faded with time. A few times Hannibal had reluctantly agreed to stay the night at the house in Wolf Trap. He had always brought his own ingredients and even made the dog's meals.

Hannibal smiles one of those little, twitchy smiles that isn't quite displeasure but isn't amusement either. He reaches out to push a wayward curl from Will's forehead in a gesture that has become intimately familiar. "Another dance?"

It isn't really a question.

Read more on Ao3: LINK

[ladystylestores]

In India, these seniors are looking for love, living-in and risking ridicule

Kulkarni had an active social life but, after several years of being single, the 68-year-old divorcee felt she needed someone at home.

“As evening fell, I’d get worried about my health and being alone at home and my safety,” said the former insurance agent.

So, she joined Happy Seniors dating agency and began meeting Yardi, also 68, for nights out to the theater and cinema. Ten months later, they’re living together.

Kulkarni and Yardi’s romance might not seem odd in many countries, but in India late-life relationships are generally frowned upon by a society that places a high value on marriage and disapproves of cohabitation outside wedlock.

While there is no particular law regarding the status of live-in relationships in India, in 2015 India’s Supreme Court ruled that living together out of wedlock was an acceptable custom in Indian society.

But the social stigma remains and, in some cases, is perpetuated by adult children who fear their parents will be ostracized by their communities, and worry over complicating inheritance issues.

And while seniors dating agencies are making matches, some say it’s still difficult to sign people up, especially women — even when they’re offered financial incentives.

A partner for life

This generation of elderly Indians grew up in a time when marriage was for life. Many married young to partners chosen by their parents and were expected to fulfill the duties of a traditional wife and husband — she managed the family, he earned the money.

In traditional Indian society, older people have always occupied a position of reverence. They, in turn, are expected to lead a life that’s centered around spirituality and family — often helping to care for grandchildren, for example. Dating or finding a partner in later life, after a spouse has passed away, isn’t the cultural norm.

But times are changing. Adult children in urban India no longer automatically invite their parents to live with them, leaving many without a support network they may have expected when they were younger.

There is no shortage of older, single Indians. According to the 2011 Census data, almost 15 million elderly Indians live alone and three-quarters of them are women. There are signs that some are interested in recoupling.

In 2012, Madhav Damle, an-ex publisher in the Indian city of Pune, Maharashtra, conducted a survey of 400 senior citizens in that city about their attitudes towards finding a companion. More than 70% of respondents thought live-in relationships were an ideal solution for lonely senior citizens looking for companionship.

Saroj Ghatani, a 52-year-old widow from Pune, has been seeking a partner to live with for the past year. Her children don’t like the idea, but she’s prepared to go against their wishes.

“They feel at 50 I have lived my life and shouldn’t really think of finding a partner,” she said, adding that her children worry she may not be available to help raise her grandchildren if she finds a new partner.

“All my life I have worked to raise them and support them and the family. Now I want to think only about myself and live the life I want to,” she says.

Someone in the kitchen

Men and women typically want different things from live-in relationships, according to Natubhai Patel, 71. He started his non-profit dating service, Anubandh Foundation, after the 2001 earthquake in Gujarat. Around 25,000 people were killed in the quake and many survivors were left without a spouse.

Patel says while many older Indian women want companionship, many potential male partners are looking for someone to manage the kitchen.

Savita Desai, 69 is happy to do that. She makes lunch every day for her live-in companion Hiten Parekh, 70, to take when he goes to work in Ahmedabad, Gujarat. Those aren’t their real names. The couple requested to use aliases to avoid any “social embarrassment.” They say they’re happy for their friends to assume they’re married.

Parekh has a wheat allergy and says, in the past eight years, Desai has taken care of him like his “own mother.”

Parekh and Desai initially faced opposition from his sons, who live in the same city. “Gradually, they realized I needed someone to take care of me and came around, as did hers,” he said.

Desai’s children live in the US and she said life with Parekh is comfortable and easy. “You need a support structure in your old age and I have it now. I don’t mind taking care of him in return,” she said.

Some women reluctant to sign up

Some women say their days of running a household are over and believe that India needs to move on from its traditional, patriarchal system.

Jayashri M has thought about looking for a partner through organizations in her home town Bangalore, in southern India, but the 62-year-old, who has never married, says the “expectations involved” stopped her from signing up.

“Companionship is much needed, but I’m afraid many older men were so used to being taken care of by their now deceased wives that they are looking for someone to run their house and take care of them in old age. That’s not my idea of having a companion. I don’t want additional responsibility,” said the former schoolteacher.

Patel and Damle agreed it’s harder to attract women to their dating services. They offer discounts and other incentives, but Patel said there are still far fewer women on his books than men.

“I have the details of 12,000 men over 55 across India from the get-togethers we have held so far. Unfortunately, I have the details of only 1,000 women,” he said. It’s still culturally taboo to look for a partner at an older age, especially in more conservative smaller cities of India, he added.

As an extra incentive to women, Patel’s foundation invites men who enter a new live-in relationship to put money into their partner’s account each month or to invest in an apartment in the woman’s name, so that she has financial security in case of a break-up.

“I do this as most women who come forward for companionship are more vulnerable than men,” he said.

Women in traditional Indian households often depend on men to take care of their finances, including handing over any money they make to their husband. Family funds are often controlled by the eldest son after the father’s death and many older women in middle-class families may have no savings in their names if they’ve never worked.

Damle, from Happy Seniors, said he doesn’t believe in offering financial benefits to women signing up to this agency, because “we want companionship to be the main reason women say yes, not money.”

But he does make it easier for them to join. While men have to pay Rs 5000 ($65) to join, women can do so for free. “Because it is a massive step for many older women to even think of approaching the organization,” he explained.

Relationship counselor Hema Yadav-Kadam thinks that many senior citizens and their children are confused about what constitutes a live-in relationship.

“Many older people would like to get into it but hesitate because of society looking at living together as something immoral,” said Yadav-Kadam, who works with Damle to speak with children who oppose their parent’s decision.

“Fear of losing out on their inheritance, having a new contender in their parent’s will and the inability to deal with the social disapproval — that is inevitable and common — is what makes most children oppose (a new relationship),” said Yadav-Kadam.

Right to inherit property

Damle believes a live-in arrangement is ideal for older couples as it gives them a sense of independence within the relationship and avoids the paperwork and legal complexities of marriage.

Often people receive retirement pensions in their deceased spouse’s name or are entitled to a share in the property their husband owned. The right to those assets may end when a woman remarries, making it preferable to live with a new partner rather than getting wed.

Before ruling on the social aspect of living together in 2015, India’s Supreme Court ruled in 2013 that that living together was similar to marriage and that women had the right to inherit their partner’s property.

Before they begin dating or living together, Damle invites potential couples to sign an agreement spelling out everything from cooking responsibilities to joint finances. They draw up a will and even note down their expectations about sexual relations.

NM Rajeswari, 72, of Hyderabad in Southern India, and B Damodar Rao, 74, met eight years ago when Rao, a widower, registered with Thodu Needa, a non-profit Rajeswari runs to find companions for older adults.

They didn’t tie the knot. Instead, they exchanged garlands in front of their supportive children — an important step in a Hindu wedding ceremony. For many couples planning to live together, it symbolizes not just social validation, but is an acknowledgment of their partnership.

“Our society needs to understand and accept the need for emotional and even physical support at any age. This stigma (of late life companionship) has been running in the society for so long but with time it will hopefully change,” Rajeswari said.

Rajeswari’s daughter, Radhika Lakshmi, said social disapproval didn’t cross her or her siblings’ minds when her mother started looking for a new companion.

“We didn’t want to restrict her life or happiness because of what society thinks. Why should anybody have that right?” she asked.

Meena Lambe, 61, married her live-in partner, Arun Deo, 72, because his children were keen for their relationship to get the social stamp of approval. She would have been happy to remain as live-in partners, she said.

“My advice to all those who wish to find a companion later in life would be first to weigh the pros and cons and preferably be in a live-in relationship rather than marry, as one’s habits are less alterable by this age.”

When Kulkarni and Yardi decided to move in together, it wasn’t without opposition, but they did it anyway.

Yardi’s daughter initially wasn’t in favor of their decision, though she visits the couple regularly now. She changed her mind after several interactions with Kulkarni. “She was assured I would take care of her father,” Kulkarni said.

They are often asked by neighbors and friends if they wish to marry but the couple say they have no such plans.

“We are happy and want to keep things as they are,” Kulkarni said.

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