#I think it would be interesting to see the contrast from always being forgotten vs being the one needed at all times | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

let-them-read-fics · 4 years ago

Text

Conflicted Connections

Requested By @rc11: “Reader is drunk and calls Rosé to pick her up since she’s worried. And on the way home, the reader confesses but since she knows Rosé is out of her league she gets all sad. All fluff throughout the way, and the next day she avoids Rosé since she recalls herself confessing and is to embarrassed to face her. Gets a lil bit angst but then they somehow make up at the end.”

Pairing: Rosé x Fem!Reader

Word Count: ~ 6,505

Warnings / Misc. – Mentions Of Alcohol & Partying, Angst, Fluff

Disclaimer: This writing is a work of fiction, and no disrespect is meant for those mentioned herein.

A/N: Thank you for the request! I had fun writing this one, and I really hope you enjoy it. I stuck with the gist, but I added quite a bit :) AND WHO ELSE IS HYPED FOR THE SHOW??? 🥳 I can’t wait to see our girls own that stage 😌

PS ~~ The song used is called "Baby, I Love You" by Tiffany Alvord, and it was specially requested.

🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤

With yet another steaming cup of tea in hand, Rosé makes her way back to her room, settling onto the soft cushions of the bed. Her notebook lays open in front of her, lyrics and annotations beautifully etched into the paper.

She pulls her guitar back into her lap now, allowing her fingers to glide along the strings as she strums out whatever comes to mind. Nothing makes her feel as relaxed as this; she's free to sing whatever she feels -- to play whatever feels right. If only for a little while, she can connect back to her roots and remember how she felt as a little girl; when her heart and mind were unburdened by fear of judgement.

Life isn't always easy, but she takes comfort in the fact that her love of music will always remain childlike, in the sense that there's always something new to discover or tell the world. It goes without saying that being a songwriter is much easier when you're inspired, and Rosé can attest to that. A certain someone has become her muse over the course of the past few months, and her mind is constantly filled with ideas for new material.

As another line pops into her head, she takes the page between her fingers to flip to a clean sheet. A few seconds later, thinking she found one, she begins writing. Soon, though, she discovers that this wasn't an empty page: in the upper right hand corner, a small heart is drawn, encompassing the words "Hi Rosie" and a small smiley face. Your initials are printed next to the doodle, and the sight brings a soft smile to her face. You must've sneakily drawn that when she wasn't looking one day.

Her fingers run along the markings, tracing over the lines as your face flashes in her mind for the millionth time today. The universe must've been listening, because no more than 5 minutes later, her phone starts ringing. She reaches backwards towards the bedside table, and her fingers soon make contact with the device.

"Hey, I was just thinking about you--" She starts, before being interrupted.

"BABY YOU LIGHT UP MY WORLD LIKE NOBODY ELSE--" Your voice booms through the phone as you sing loudly, nearly making Rosé go deaf in the process. She blinks a few times to refocus her thoughts before chuckling lightly.

"Y/N?"

"Rosie I'm at this really fun party, you should come hang out!" Your words come out slightly slurred, but excited nonetheless. It's a bit hard for her to hear you now over the music blasting in the background.

"Ah, I don't know…" She trails off, voice unsure. She'd much rather spend the evening writing about you than at some random party.

"Pleaaseee?" You drag out, making sure to whine for even more emphasis. "I miss you."

Rosé's heart skips a beat at that last part, now thudding obnoxiously loud in her chest. She misses you too, probably more than a 'friend' should, but she can't help it -- you're simply too amazing.

She takes a breath, knowing that she'll likely regret her next decision -- after all, hiding her feelings becomes harder every time she's around you. Regardless, she can't find it in herself to say no to you. "Alright, fine. Where are you again?"

You let out a loud cheer upon hearing her cave in, and she just knows you look like a dork, likely having that stupid little smirk on your lips that she loves so much.

After getting the address from you, she goes into her closet to find a good outfit. For anyone else, she might've just shown up in whatever was comfortable; but knowing that you're there is enough motivation for her to put a bit more effort into it.

Her signature style shines through: she dons a black crop top and jeans, paired with a long, hickory colored trench coat. She finishes the look off with her white sneakers, giving the outfit that final umph that it needed.

With one last look in the mirror, she adjusts her clothes and hair again before heading out.

-----

The moment that Rosé steps foot inside the house, her eyes widen. She's been to plenty of parties before, but never one as chaotic as this. A large crowd is gathered in the living room, making the area that was likely once spacious now appear cramped and tiny. Some people move with the rhythm, while others dance wildly to the beat of their own drum. The music was audible from outside, but inside is a whole nother story: it's nearly deafening now.

In front of her, just past the living room, two guys are fist fighting. To her left, a long hallway is filled with couples making out, likely on their way to the bedrooms. She grimaces before pushing her way past everyone and walking towards the kitchen.

The bright strobe lights from the living room still manage to reach the area, but things are definitely a little calmer here. That's not to say that it's quiet, though: people are gathered around the counters, downing shots and cheering each other on at the same time. Some stumble around, nearly falling over as their friends laugh hysterically and help keep them vertical.

In the adjacent room, two teams of partygoers are busy playing beer pong. It seems to be boys vs girls, and Rose smirks when she discovers the latter are in the lead.

She scans the rooms one more time, but you're still nowhere to be found. A pang of worry settles in her chest, but it only makes her more determined to find you.

And, 10 minutes later, she does. You're outside in the backyard, sitting near the fire pit with a bottle of wine in your hand. The flames are dying down now, long ago forgotten about -- the stars shining in the midnight sky had captivated you, stealing your attention away from keeping the fire fed.

Before she begins her journey over to you, she takes a moment to appreciate how beautiful you look. The remaining embers flicker lazily, creating a deep haze that casts onto your body. The shadows contrast with the light, making your features pop in all the right ways. The sound of someone shouting again brings her out of her daze, and Rose makes her way to you.

At first, you don't notice her. Your eyes are wide, filled with wonder as you gaze up at the sky in awe. Space has always baffled you, and Rose thinks you look adorable when you get like this.

"Y/N," she says gently, standing beside your chair. After pulling your eyes away from the sky, you meet her gaze. A light blush rises to your cheeks at the way she's looking at you.

"Hi Rosie," you slur. The words come out cutely, but she can tell that you're much drunker than you had been when you called earlier.

"How much have you had?"

You scrunch your face up in thought as the last two functioning brain cells in your head go to work. She can practically see the wheels turning, and she can't help but laugh at the look of effort on your face.

"...a lot." You ultimately conclude, taking far too long to come up with such a simple answer. "Alex gave me a couple of his special mixes earlier, I had some shots, and now--" you declare, holding the wine bottle up triumphantly, "--this!"

As soon as she heard his name leave your lips, she frowned. Alex is one of your coworkers and friends, and he's totally in love with you. You're oblivious to it, but Rose isn't and she can't stand him. On top of the fact that he's a guy, he has the audacity to like you? Well, she can't exactly blame him for those things, but that doesn't mean that she has to like him. She's civil around him for your sake, but that's all.

"Do you want some?" You ask, always willing to offer her whatever you have. Sharing is caring, and you definitely care about a certain Australian beauty.

She looks down at you before shaking her head. "No, I'm good." You swish the liquid around, peering down into the bottle as it glides from side to side. "Me too," you say, setting it down beside your chair. "Let's go dance!" You suggest excitedly, using your strength to hoist your body out of the seat. Sorely miscalculating your moves, your foot doesn't quite connect with the ground how you intended; you stumble, falling right into Rosie's waiting arms.

She was watching you carefully, having a feeling that this would happen.

"Nope, I'm taking you home. No dancing for you." You whine and pout, but Rose doesn't budge. Eventually you give up, and allow her to hold you close as she helps you walk out of the house. You rest your head on her shoulder, and she has to fight the butterflies that take flight.

As the two of you near the door, Rose spots Alex in the living room. She shoots him a cocky grin, as if to say 'checkmate' before she leads you out the door.

-----

The ride home was getting off to a rather interesting start. It took Rosie a while to wrangle you into the car and buckle you in, but she eventually managed to do it. Now, though, a new problem is arising: you're being flirty, and she doesn't know what to do with herself.

"You're so pretty," you compliment, leaning over the center console to whisper the phrase in her ear. She gulps and attempts to calm her heart down, but she's having trouble. "Shush," she commands, blushing as she lets out a little giggle. She tries to remind herself that you're just drunk -- that there's no real meaning behind your words -- but it feels good to pretend.

After a moment, you return to your seat, and she lets out a sigh of relief.

Barely 2 minutes later, you place a hand on her knee, saying gently, "You always take such good care of me. Thank you, Rose." She sneaks a glance at you, and her heart nearly melts at the smile you're sending her way. Your eyes are shining with sincerity, and she'd surely get lost in them if she weren't busy driving.

The rest of the ride is filled with more flirting and compliments from you, all of which send her into a gay panic, but she wouldn't have wanted it any other way.

----

Now, laying in your bed as Rosé rounds up some pajamas for you, the effects of the alcohol really begin setting in. You're still in the playful, teasing phase, but you know you'll have a major hangover tomorrow. Whatever Alex put in those drinks is catching up with you and running its course throughout your body.

"Rosie, do you like anyone?" You call out, toying with your fingers like a toddler. She emerges from the bathroom, washcloth in hand, just as you ask the very words she's been fearing.

She goes to respond, but you interrupt her with a drunken giggle. "Because I do. Her name rhymes with nosey." You chuckle at yourself, but she's too busy trying not to freak out to return the gesture. When you don't question her further, she relaxes her shoulders. How many more times could she get away with avoiding her feelings?

She pushes the scary thought away, instead opting to bring over your clothes and give you a minute to change. Thankfully you're coherent enough to do that on your own -- the thought of you flirting with her while half naked and self-assured sends her wild, and she knows she'd slip up and confess.

Once you're dressed, she comes back over to the bed and sits down in front of you. She brings the rag up to your face and slides it across your cheeks and neck, knowing just what you need. This isn't the first time she's done this for you, and she can't deny the rush she feels when you look up at her with those big eyes, filled with gratitude.

You sigh at the coolness, relishing in the way that it soothes your hot skin. A soft thank you slips past your lips as your eyelids flutter shut, and Rosé almost lets herself imagine that you're hers. That she just brought her girlfriend back home and now she's taking care of her. But before she can get too lost in that fantasy, she pulls away, slipping the rag into your hand so that you can use it on yourself now.

"Well, I think my work here is done." She declares, patting your leg lovingly. She moves to stand, and the action prompts you to speak up.

"Wait," you start, grabbing her wrist before she can get away. You meant to tug gently, but you must've misjudged your strength; in an instant, she's close to you again, just a breath away. Her face is right in front of yours, and you can feel her warm breath against your lips.

Her eyes are wide now, and a subtle tremble runs through her. She's never been this close to you, and although she's terrified, she doesn't want to move away. She wants to give in -- to lean forward the tiniest bit and capture your lips -- but she can't. Her breathing becomes labored as she notices your gaze move from her eyes to her lips. Do you like her back? Surely not, you're just drunk...right?

Her pink lips look so kissable right now, the gloss on them shining in the low lamplight. She's close enough that you can smell her fruity shampoo and feel every jagged breath she draws in.

"Y/N--"

That's all it takes to set you into motion. You bring a hand up to her cheek, cupping it sweetly as you press your lips to hers. She sighs at the contact, melting into your embrace, and allows herself to let her walls down. Her lips move against yours slowly, unsure -- this is new for both of you, and you're testing the waters. One of her hands comes up to rest against the back of your neck, and she pulls you impossibly closer.

After she subconsciously bites your lip - the action drawing a groan from you - she snaps back to reality and pulls away. Her lips are red and swollen, and you have to stop yourself from leaning back in. She looks like she wants to do the same, but she centers herself before she can.

"I, uh, I'm gonna go. Goodnight, Y/N." She says breathlessly, swallowing as she runs a hand through her hair. She doesn't give herself anymore time to change her mind, and soon she's rushing out, failing to even give you so much as a second glance.

Shocked, you sit back and let your mind try and piece together what the hell just happened. The kiss worked well in sobering you up, at least for the time being, but you wish it hadn't. Now, you're forced to sit alone with your feelings again, lips still tingling with the memory of hers against them.

----

The Next Morning

*ring ring*

The blare of your ringtone sounds especially loud now, making you wince in pain. Your head is pounding, and that definitely isn't helping. Quickly, you roll over and pick it up, keeping your eyes closed as you press the button and hold it to your ear. "Hello?" You ask groggily, voice still laced with sleep.

"Hey, Y/N. The girls and I are going out later; do you wanna come with?" Jennie's sweet voice asks. You rub your forehead, now opening your eyes and staring at the ceiling as you ponder your options. With a glance at the clock, you see that you've already slept a good portion of the day away.

"I'd love to, but I'm pretty hungover right now Jen." You chuckle despite yourself, grinning when she laughs back.

"Rosie told us you might be dealing with that." Jennie laughs again, but you go quiet. Did she tell them everything that happened, or did she try and forget about it? After all, she basically ran away -- surely she regrets it. You scold yourself for even thinking that someone as out of your league as Rosé could like you back.

"Jisoo whipped up her special 'hangover-reverser' drink for you, as she calls it." She adds, hoping that'll win you over. Lost in your thoughts, you forget to answer her.

Jennie takes your silence the wrong way, saying, "You don't have to come, but we'd love to hang out." She sounds sad at the thought of you staying home, and a feeling of guilt creeps into your mind. Work has kept you from hanging out with all of them recently, and they miss you. You miss them too, and quickly decide that a hangover (and the awkward situation you'll be subjected to when face to face with Rosé) aren't enough of a deal breaker to decline their offer.

"I'll be over in a few. Tell Jisoo to make a couple more for the road… I'll need all the help I can get."

Jennie laughs again, and you pep up at the sweet sound. She celebrates, and you can hear the girls clapping in the background, shouting praise at her for convincing you to come. The two of you say your goodbyes, and you begin getting ready.

-----

"Jisoo, you're a lifesaver." You confess, flopping back onto the couch. The unnie responds with a smug, "I know," from her place in front of the mirror.

You lick the remaining liquid from your lips, and Rose shifts in her seat across the room. She can't get the feeling of your kiss out of her mind, and seeing you do that only makes things worse.

"Here's the second one," Lisa says, smirking as she pats your shoulder and hands you the cup. You smile back at her and smack her butt as a wordless thank you.

"Alright, so where exactly are we going, girls?" You ask as you tuck your feet underneath your body.

"I was thinking we could shop around Hongdae. They changed some stuff since we were there last, and it looks awesome." Jennie informs.

"Sounds good to me." Jisoo replies from the adjacent room, applying the finishing touches to her makeup.

Lisa agrees as well, and so does Rosie. At the sound of her soft voice, you make eye contact with her for the first time today. Ever since you arrived earlier, you've avoided her. She's done much the same, refraining from saying much to you at all. The girls haven't seemed to pick up on the tension yet, but they're observant; surely it won't take them long.

As you replay the fateful events in your mind again, you allow your head to lull back and rest against the cushion of the couch. Last night, Rosé’s eyes were speaking all of the words she could never tell you out loud, sparkling with repressed desire. It wasn't hard to tell that she was nervous, but she kissed you like she had been waiting to for an eternity. So, clearly, your confusion at the whole situation is understandable. Why did she run away?

"Ready?" Jisoo asks, kicking your foot to get your attention.

"As I'll ever be." You state as you stick a hand out to her. She understands immediately, swiftly helping you up. A little groan leaves you, your head spinning from standing up so quickly, so she doesn't move until you get adjusted.

"Thanks," you smile, giving her a sweet kiss on the cheek. Having such good friends always comes in handy, but there's something special to the little moments like these. She hums in response, and the two of you lead the way out to the car.

Rosé watches the whole encounter as she falls in line behind you, wishing she were in Jisoo's place. Last night was a wake up call for her, unexpected in literally every way, and she panicked. Looking back now, she wishes she would've at least explained her behavior to you. The kiss awakened something within her, releasing all of the feelings she's held in for so long. She didn't rush out because she didn't enjoy the kiss; if she had any idea that that's the impression it left on you, she would've ran back in and kissed you a million times over.

Lisa notices Rosie's furrowed brow and downcast eyes, and instantly knows something's up.

Now in the car, she leans in close to ask, "Everything okay?"

"Mhm." Rosie replies, doing her best to sound like her normal self.

The years have made Lisa an expert at reading the slightly older girl, but she doesn't want to push her. If she wants to talk about it, she will.

"Okay…" Lisa trails off, coincidentally making fleeting eye contact with you through the rearview mirror. On any other day, you would've fought Lisa over the seat next to Rosé; but today, of course, is unlike any other. You're in uncharted territory now, and you have no idea when -- or if -- you'll return to normal. For now, you make do with the passenger's seat, keeping yourself busy by looking out the window. Jennie's driving is smooth, and you appreciate that in your altered state. A low pulsing still vibrates through your head every now and then, but it's become much more bearable. Jisoo truly knows what she's doing with that concoction.

----

Hongdae, Seoul -- A Few Hours Later

"Jennie," Lisa huffs out, struggling to carry everything she’s been handed. "How much stuff do you need?!" The maknae does her best to keep the bags from touching the ground, but that task is proving difficult.

"We're almost there!" Jennie says, dismissing the younger girls complaints.

A few minutes later, you're seated at the new restaurant Jennie's spent the night talking about. Seeing the girls so happy today has taken your mind off of your own problems somewhat, but sometimes the issues are unavoidable… like right now.

Though she tries to be discreet about it -- even going so far as to hide behind her menu -- you can feel Rosé's eyes on you. The waiter seated you at a booth, and of course she happened to sit right in front of you. Having her attention has always been something you enjoy, but you're so embarrassed about what happened that you can't help but shy away from it now. If drunkenly confessing your feelings for her wasn't bad enough, you also kissed her. What could be next?

Rosie's dying on the inside a little more with every minute that passes. The past few hours were filled with plenty of fun and stupidity for the lot of you, stopping in just about every store you came across and joking all the while. But the entire time, you and Rosé kept your distance. Occasionally you'd crack a joke to make her laugh or the two of you would share a look, but the air around you was always thick with the emotions you couldn't give voice to. It also doesn't help that part of Rosé is afraid you didn't even really mean to kiss her. If she blames it on your drunkenness, she doesn't have to process her feelings; she can just go back to suffering in silence. When she looks at you, though, she knows there's no denying what you both feel for each other.

"Can I get you started with some drinks?" The waiter approaches again, pen and pad ready to go.

"Do you have sikhye?" You inquire, raising your head to look at him.

"We do."

"Great," you smile, getting an idea. "I'll take one of those and a glass of water, please." He jots down your request before recording the other orders and setting off to get the drinks prepared.

In order to preserve the plan, you don't dare look in Rosé's eyes.

A couple minutes later, he returns with a big tray of drinks; it's a wonder he didn't accidently drop any on the way. Jennie and Jisoo ordered multiple for the table so you could sample them, and you smile at the gesture. They all look tasty, but one in particular catches your attention.

When he hands it to you, you wordlessly slide it over to Rosé. You know she loves it, and you did order it for her, after all. She lets out a little gasp of excitement, and you choose this moment to really look at her. Her eyes are shining again, and you laugh -- if anything is capable of cheering her up, it's something that she can eat or drink.

She beams at you while extending her hand, gently resting it against yours on the table. It's warm and comforting, and you can't help but want to hold it forever. Her fingertips brush against the soft skin of your wrist, and you almost melt at the tenderness of the motion.

Thankfully the other girls aren't paying attention, or else you'd be thoroughly embarrassed. They continue on with their conversation, leaving you and Rosé to get lost in your own world for the next while.

More time passes, in which you place your food orders and the waiter later brings it out to you.

"Enjoy, ladies." He declares before bowing and returning to the host stand.

"It looks so yummy," Rose moans, snatching up her chopsticks before digging in. The other girls agree as well, and soon all of you are eating like there's no tomorrow. The flavors go perfectly together, and you pat yourself on the back for choosing the dish you did.

"Do you wanna try some?" You ask after noticing Rose eyeing your plate. You quirk an eyebrow at her as you wait for her answer, which comes in the form of a sheepish nod.

"That's my girl," you declare with a smile on your face, happy to bring back some of your playful banter. Rosie's heart speeds up at the title, but she tries not to show it too much. Although it's a bit unmannerly, you reach a bite of your food across the table to her and grin when she takes it. Her cheeks puff out in that signature chipmunk pose, and your smile widens.

"Yah, that's delicious." She sighs, closing her eyes to allow her palate to focus on the flavors.

You shake your head at how much of a dork she is for food, but giggle despite yourself. She really is the cutest.

-----

"Good evening, everyone, this is the manager speaking. Our lounge area will open in 10 minutes, and karaoke will begin shortly after!"

Lisa looks at Jennie incredulously, her mouth hanging open. "They have karaoke, too?? How cool is that!"

Jennie smirks, knowing how good she is at choosing places to take you guys. This joint is definitely somewhere that you'll frequent whenever you're around. "I know right?" She asks, satisfied with herself.

In Rosie's eyes, the karaoke announcement was fate working its magic. She's spent the day mulling over everything that's transpired, deciding earlier that all she needed was one more sign. Now that she had that last little push, all she has left to do is gather up all the courage she possesses.

As the 5 of you finish up your meals and wait for it to kick off, she racks her brain for the perfect song to sing. She's going to confess.

---

Fully stuffed and satisfied with the amazing dinner you just had, you all follow the waiter towards the lounge area. Located in the back of the restaurant, it's complete with 1 main, corner stage, and 2 smaller ones off to the side. Plush couches and chairs stretch out in front of the stages, allowing the audience to kick back and enjoy the performances.

A small bar is tucked away in the far corner of the room, stocked with a vast array of different liquors and mixes. Strips of light line the shelves behind the bartender, giving the space its own unique style, and you take some time to admire it all. A few small disco balls hang from the ceiling, placed strategically throughout the room to allow for the most amount of ambience possible. All of the different colors of the rainbow take their turn cycling through the projector, flashing and shining around the room in their random patterns. It's a very welcoming place to be.

You're the first guests in there, so you're free to choose whatever stage you want. "Which one should we go to?" Jisoo asks, doing a little half spin as she looks around the room.

"Really, unnie? You have to ask?" Lisa rolls her eyes and scoffs; she thought her best friend knew her better than that. Obviously Lisa wants to go to the big stage. How else would she show off all of her moves while she sings?

"You're so dramatic." Jisoo grumbles, sending the maknae an annoyed look of her own as she's dragged over to the performance area. You, Jennie, and Rosé trail after them, shaking your heads at their behavior.

----

"Come on, we're going first." You bite back a laugh as you watch Lisa tug Jennie up from her spot on the sofa, where she had just sat down and gotten comfortable. Jennie tries to protest, even pointing at the drink she just got from the bar to convince Lisa to let her stay, but she isn't having it. They walk over to the kiosk built into the wall, and take their time in choosing a song to sing.

Their performance is a wild ride, to say the least. Lisa forgets the words at one point, opting to compensate by freestyling a rap and dancing around wildly while everyone hypes her up. She could've just looked at the lyrics on the stage screen, you realize, but that wouldn't have been even half as fun. Jennie breaks into the box of props sitting just off stage, pulling out a multicolored, frilly scarf and wrapping it around her singing partner. To finish off her own look, she rummages around until she finds a comically large top hat and pair of heart shaped glasses.

"Golden buzzer!" You shout out, pressing an imaginary button on the table. The girls celebrate, and your combined laughter fills the room.

Next up is Jisoo, who decides to put her charm on full display and serenade all of you. She starts off on stage, letting her deep voice lull you into a state of entrancement before she approaches the couch. She greets each of you individually, giving you separate attention just like a rock star would, and all of you go wild for her. She tries to keep up the edgy, heartthrob persona, but it fades a bit when she cracks a smile, her eyes turning into those adorable crescents that you all love so much.

As her song comes to an end, you excuse yourself to the bathroom. In order to go through with your plan -- that is, singing a song to Rosie -- you have to calm your nerves a bit first. You splash water on your face and sigh as the chilly liquid slides down your skin. A bead of it trails down your neck, soaking into the cotton of your collar the second it hits it, and you're reminded of last night. A familiar warmth runs through you at the memory of Rosé's hands on your body, taking care of you like always. She's the definition of girlfriend material, and you always kick yourself for waiting so long to tell her about your feelings.

A basket of paper towels sits on the marble countertop of the sink, and you reach forward to grab one and dry your face. With one final look in the mirror, you throw the paper away and exit the restroom.

Too busy mentally preparing yourself for the performance, you fail to notice that Rosé is already standing on the stage, mic in hand. You lift your head as you near the stage, and she makes eye contact with you; she looks nervous, so you give her a reassuring smile and move back to your seat. Behind the nervousness, you can see how excited she is; you're intrigued.

"So, this song goes out to a very special girl here tonight. I hope you like it." She announces shyly, garnering some applause from the small group of diners that have filtered their way in from the restaurant. She presses play, and shakes her hands out in an attempt to get rid of the anxiety building within her. Up until now, keeping her worries in check had been doable; though as she stands alone on stage, looking down at the object of her affection, she's afraid all over again. And yet, somehow in an instant, you take some of those fears away. You're looking at her with so much love and encouragement in your eyes that Rosé thinks she can accomplish anything.

The song -- one you're hearing for the first time tonight -- picks up, and she begins.

There are three words, & I want you to know they are true

There are three words, that I've been dying to say to you

Burns in my heart, like a fire that ain't goin' out

I need to let you know

You're unintentionally holding in a breath as she croons the words out, singing straight to you. Her soulful vocals ring out across the space, making goosebumps appear on your skin; her voice always strikes a certain chord within you, the beautiful tones sounding like Heaven. She makes it feel like you're the only two people in the room; that even the world stopped for a moment to watch this play out.

I wanna say I love you, I wanna hold you tight

I want your arms around me & I, want your lips on mine

I wanna say I love you, but, babe I'm terrified

My hands are shaking, my heart is racing

Cause it's something I can't hide, it's something I can't deny

So here I go

Baby I lo-o-o-ve you

The smile on your face can't be wiped away by anything; no natural force of the universe could get in the way of this. Your heart swells at her confession as things finally fall into place. Possessed by the love you hold for the goddess in front of you, you decide to be brave and join her on stage.

She squeals and covers her face as you approach, and the audience erupts into cheers at this. They whistle and clap loudly, and you can hear the distinct voices of the girls from behind you. Pulling her hands away, Rosé's adorable face is revealed in all its glory. She has tears in her eyes, and they let you know that the past 48 hours have been just as much of an emotional rollercoaster for her as they have been for you.

You press a kiss to the back of her hand, feeling your chest tighten at the way it lightly shakes against your lips. You take a step closer and wrap your arms around her waist as she hooks her right one around your shoulders. Her left hand holds the mic between you two, making it so that you can sing the next part together.

I've never said, these words to anyone, anyone at all

Never got this close, cause I was always afraid I would fall

But now I know, that I'll fall right in-to your arms

Don't ever let me go

I wanna say I love you, I wanna hold you tight

I want your arms around me & I, want your lips on mine

I wanna say I love you, but, babe I'm terrified

My hands are shaking, my heart is racing

Cause it's something I can't hide, it's something I can't deny

So here I go

Baby I lo-o-o-ve you

The entire time you're singing, she can't take her eyes off of you. She watches as your lips move along with the words, your face scrunching up occasionally to aid in hitting all the notes, and she even forgets to keep singing a couple times. You're so close to her, just like last night. She vows that this time will be different, though.

After you finish the verse, Rosé surges forward, closing what little distance is left between you. During the performance you had gradually migrated closer to one another, so that made her job all the more easy.

She leans into you and smiles at the feeling of your racing heart. It lets her know that this is actually happening -- that after spending so many months waiting to finally confess and have you return her feelings, it's happening.

She tastes the strawberry chapstick on your lips, and it reminds her of the time she told you it's her favorite type. You used to wear a vanilla kind… does that mean you switched to strawberry after she told you that? (Yes, yes it does).

You bring your right hand up to her jaw and cup it as you move to deepen the kiss. A soft groan escapes her lips at this, and she doesn't waste any time in kissing you back even harder than before. It's long-overdue, and she can't get enough of you.

All too quickly, though, Rosie gets lost in the embrace, and the lounge is filled with feedback as the mic drops to the floor. She jumps at the sudden noise before snatching it up, her face crimson with embarrassment. After placing it back on the stand, she turns to hide her face in your neck. You just chuckle as you wrap your arms around her again. She snuggles in close to you, and you rest your head against hers.

"Awwww, they grow up so fast!" Jisoo wails, wiping imaginary tears from her eyes.

"Cough it up, Jendeukie." Lisa smirks, sticking a hand out in front of the other girl. Jennie shoots her a glare, but nonetheless reaches to the table in front of her to grab her purse.

"Not another word, Manoban." Jennie says, shoving the 5 dollar bill into Lisa's waiting palm.

The younger girl clears her throat dramatically before saying loudly, "I TOLD YOU SO! Nobody ever listens to the maknae."

You and Rosé can't contain your laughter anymore, and neither can the girls.

Soon the two of you are back on the couches, cuddling in the corner seat as the others make kissy noises at you.

She's nestled up against your side, resting her head against your chest contently.

"I know we kinda did things out of order and all, but I might as well ask. Will you be my girlfriend?" You smile dorkily as she raises up to look at you, a playful smirk of her own tugging at her lips.

"Absolutely, Y/N." She has stars in her eyes and a dreamy expression on her features as she leans in to kiss you again.

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lucky-dreamfisher · 4 years ago

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Queer Subtext in The Illusion of Living - Part 3/?

Yes, you read that right, there will be more parts. This book is a gift that keeps on giving.

As Joey had to work at his father’s shop from a young age, he didn’t really have friends, up until he joined the army at 15 and met Donaldson and Eckhart, as well as Nathan Arch. All three of whom aggressively pressured him to comply with heteronormative behavior: bullying him to go on dates with the army girls, and making fun of him for liking girl stuff.

“The men made fun of me: "Reading a romance there, Drew?" (...) I knew before Donaldson and Eckhart had teased me that supposedly men who were "real men" as someone, maybe Arch, had put it, read about real subjects, nonfiction.” TIOL, page 62

That experience must have left a deep mark on him, because this ‘real man’ complex resurfaces later in TIOL, and even in DCTL:

But his friends also sexted him from across the ocean, which he still recalls fondly decades later:

“Eckhart and Donaldson were still alive, sending me letters with dirty limericks from overseas.” TIOL, page 113

Also worth noting is the difference in how he feels about women asking him to go out versus men doing the same.

“When they were shipped overseas, I genuinely missed them. They were the first gents I'd ever met who could convince me to go out and spend an evening dancing and socializing instead of studying. They showed me that there was some-thing positive about escaping the daily grind that way.

(...)

I had once tried to explain to them that it wasn't that I didn't like girls, or didn't enjoy their company, I just didn't have time for them. I didn't want to go out on nights I needed to stay in.” TIOL, page 28

Girls ask me out = girls bad :(

Boys ask me out = boys hot :)

But then we get to Detective Sinclair, and things get… interesting.

Joey meets Detective Sinclair shortly after leaving the army and moving to New York in 1920, when the man comes to question him about the mysterious murder of his old army colleague. After noting the similarity between the detective and that of Joey’s (mostly gay) neighbors in Greenwich Village, Joey invites him over to his apartment, where they immediately proceed to establish which of them is the alpha male, and it isn’t Joey:

“Once again Detective Adam Sinclair didn't show any sign that he heard me, that he agreed or didn't with my invitation, he just walked into my studio and stood in the middle of the room. He looked around, slowly, taking in the space.” TIOL, page 99

“Too bad.” He flicked the butt of his second cigarette onto my floor and stepped on it thoughtfully. I wasn't going to tell him how rude that was. I wanted the gig and it was obvious he knew. It was also obvious he wanted me to say something about the cigarette.” TIOL, page 110

Joey is utterly fascinated by this display of complete lack of respect for him and begs the detective to let him be his apprentice. He lies about having an interest in becoming a detective someday, but in reality he gives no shit about the work, or the case. His interest is solely in Sinclair.

“(...)this fellow fascinated me.” TIOL, page 100

“I rushed over to my one window to watch as he left the building. He was a hulking shadow again, wandering away from my building without a glance backward. A fantastic character really.” TIOL, page 110

“Detective Sinclair didn't say anything more and again I was following him. I didn't know how he chose who to talk to, and by the time the evening was over I'd forgotten to ask. (...) I tried to do my own detective work about the detective as he went about asking questions.” TIOL, page 115

This wouldn’t be the only time he gets instantly smitten by a man with a cigarette and an air of indifference, and the similarity between Sinclair and Sammy’s introduction is pretty interesting:

"And what's a Joey Drew Studios?" asked Sammy, lighting a cigarette from the darkness by the stone wall at the edge of the terrace. Yes, he said it in that dismissive tone. I didn't understand why he needed to talk to me like that.” TIOL, page 188

Joey himself wonders whether the detective’s behavior is a result of him correctly predicting Joey’s… preferences.

“Fascinating. Detective Sinclair's tone was very different here. He was less curt talking to her, there was a softness almost in his speech. It occurred to me that he was attempting to reflect what he saw in her personality to make her more comfortable. Trying to give her what she wanted without her knowing she wanted anything. It made me wonder what trick he'd used with me. I didn't like the idea, but it was a very interesting one.” TIOL, page 188

So the text confirms that Joey has a type, and that type seems to be men, who refuse to give him the attention he craves (and smoke cigarettes, apparently. Resisting the urge to make a joke about phallic symbolism).

And boy, does Joey crave Sinclair’s attention!

You see, even though solving the case was not at all interesting to Joey, there was something else, which was of great importance to him: making sure that Sinclair finds him physically attractive.

“He was memorizing it, adding it to the appendix of his story. I was determined not to be some small character who might not even rate a name. I wasn't going to be a description only, "Tall, lean, handsome young man" or the like.” TIOL, page 100

“He wore his large overcoat and hat like always, his five o'clock shadow too, which made me all the more annoyed that I'd cared to look presentable. Not that I wouldn't have dressed appropriately—such things matter—I just resented I had cared as much as I had about the detective's particular opinion. I got in next to him with-out any conversation. Without really any sign he noticed me at all. He just stared forward as the car drove off, and I was so grumpy from the train ride I was happy to sit in silence.” TIOL, page 129

When senpai doesn’t notice you :(

“I assumed that Detective Sinclair had opinions on everyone, and probably bad opinions. Just like he thought I couldn't look presentable when I most certainly could.” TIOL, page 130

Note that at no point in the story does Sinclair give any indication of his opinion about Joey’s appearance. This is happening entirely inside Joey’s own mind.

In addition to his looks, Joey is also deeply concerned about not appearing childish and weak in front of the detective:

“My eyes were watering now It looked like I was crying and I felt humiliated at the thought.” TIOL, page 122

“I felt even more annoyed now, and rightfully so. Detective Sinclair had said I could come along on his investigations, obviously it had been a lie. It felt very much like he didn't want me there for any of the one-on-ones, like I'd spoil it or something. Quite frankly, I didn’t enjoy being treated like a child this way.

“You can take a seat, Joey," said Detective Sinclair. I rolled my eyes inwardly; nope, did not enjoy being treated like a child at all. "Sit next to me, love," said Mrs. Pepper, enthusiastically petting the spot beside her. I smiled because she was being kind and I did as she requested.” TIOL, page 133

Once again we see a stark contrast in how he reacts to a man offering him a seat vs a woman doing the same. He wants Sinclair to treat him as an equal, an adult, a “real man”, and he doesn’t much care about the opinion of Mrs. Pepper.

And then this happens:

"Detective Sinclair, thank you for your time, (...)You should leave, no one needs you anymore!” Detective Sinclair didn't say anything back. That was when I finally saw the man behind the character. A weak man who needed validation just like the rest of them. (...) I felt uncomfortable, a little disgusted even. Here was a man I'd admired despite it all, and here he was at the end, with nothing. I saw it now, the other illusion: the role of detective he was wearing, indifferent, cold, emotionless. None of it was true. (...)I knew he wanted me to go with him, but I didn't. His part in my story was done now.” TIOL, page 144

I think this moment speaks more about Joey’s character than it does about Sinclair’s. After spending dozens of pages seeking validation and approval from this man, Joey instantly discards him the moment he realizes that Sinclair isn’t actually the living embodiment of this idealized image of a “Real Man” that he has internalized in his formative years.

Perhaps the thing that initially drove him to Sinclair (and later to Sammy) was the qualities he saw in them, that he wishes he could possess himself. Perhaps he has convinced himself that if he could get these men to recognize him as an equal, a fellow “god”, his “illusion” would finally be complete and he could truly live up to the standards set by the society he was raised in.

#Bendy and the Ink Machine #batim #bendy: the illusion of living #detective adam sinclair #sammy lawrence #joey drew #nathan arch #dreamfisher certified

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animatedminds · 4 years ago

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Let’s Get Dangerous Review!

It’s dangerous. In a good way. <cue dramatic music> Okay, obviously there’s more thoughts than just that. I’ve been waiting for it for weeks, and it arrived just as awesome as I hoped. For the first time, let’s give my full movie style review to the double length Ducktales special: “Let’s Get Dangerous.”

The spoilers are open and widely discussed, so maybe don’t look past the following image if you haven’t seen the episode yet.

To note, I’m not entirely convinced that this was actually meant to be a pilot. It definitely does introduce a new status quo for the Darkwing trio of characters (minus Honker for now, here’s hoping they haven’t forgotten him), but it’s also a very remote story that still tries to take place within the context of Ducktales’ universe, so it really depends on what they choose to do.

But let’s just get down to it.

First off, as I mentioned in my earlier post… Taurus Bulba. He was maybe the biggest and most eye-catching aspect of the first part of the episode, as one of the few elements we hadn’t already seen yet, and his reputation as a really, really bad guy has quite preceded him. As I may have gushed somewhat about, he’s one of the best parts of the special.

James Monroe Inglehart, for those living away from the Disney scene for a decade, is an actor and voice actor most famous for being the original Genie on Broadway’s Aladdin. A grand, bombastic presence, he generally plays characters who - much like the genie himself - a big, jolly, kind but maybe a little mischievous souls that take the attention of a room and brighten up the characters’ day - like Lance, in Tangled the Series. The most interesting thing about Bulba is that Inglehart brings that exact same energy to the role, and so Bulba keep that jollity and lofty personality in a package that becomes increasingly less nice as the story goes on. As someone who keenly remembers Taurus Bulba as cruel monster willing to hurt kids and capable of crushing Darkwing like nobody’s business, the contrast was immediately fun to watch - and I kept waiting for the other shoe to drop.

In this story, Bulba is recast from a crime lord intending to use a super weapon go on an endless plundering spree to a FOWL scientist with a respectable reputation who intends to use a super weapon to take over the world, and the transition goes off fairly well. The end result is a pretty standard mix of superhero fight and Bond plot, as Bulba ends up holed up in his lab with his squadron of elite supervillain minions - all plundered a particular fictional universe - with the heroes having to break in / escape from his captivity and stop him before he destroys everything. It’s very Silver Age, with Bulba in the role of maniacal villain, and he’s contrasted very well with Bradford - who is as always an antagonist who prides himself on pragmatism. This contrast leads to some great moments: Bradford’s increasing frustration with the cavalier attitude of both the heroes and the villains gives him the best stint of characterization he’s had since the beginning of the season - he basically spends the whole episode arguing with everyone about how badly thought out their actions are, while also badly hiding his own secrets.

The Fearsome Five (of which Quackerjack is voices by his original actor) are great to see, though used minimally. If you’re expecting to see classic show dynamics between the villains and Darkwing, that’s not really what they’re used for. Mostly, they’re minions with personality, and they’re more there to establish both to the audience and to Drake the character himself that he is ready to take on really big threats even with his lack of superpowers.

But enough about the villains, on to the heroes!

A couple episodes ago, with the Halloween episode, I criticized that story for not balancing its A and B plot all that well. This episode does not have that problem. The story is actually maybe about three fifths Darkwing’s story, and the rest of it is Scrooge and the nephews as they figure out what Bulba is up to independently of Darkwing and try to stop him themselves. It’s somewhat similar to Timephoon, where they’re there constantly and are doing their own bid to solve the story but the focus isn’t primarily on them. Instead, we have some of the best “HDL actually matter to the story” bits of the show, where they escape Bulba’s prison on their own and lead Bradford out, all the while slowly figuring out that something is shady about the guy. Meanwhile, Scrooge gets stuck in the original Ducktales universe’s most memed scene, which was a fun gag (but not the best gag - that would be the one and only Bonkers D. Bobcat as the Harvey Bullock-style cop in the Darkwing show).

Which I suppose can lead to a digression about the mad science bit here. The alternate universes here are… interesting. I always pay special attention to how things like time travel or other dimensions or alternate universes work in a series, and this one reminds me the most - I think - of DC’s Dark Multiverse: a collection of universes that are both explicitly fictional but made real because people created them. Ultimately, it’s less as if the OG Darkwing universe exists independently of the Ducktales universe and more that the in-universe Darkwing show as a world based off of it that the characters can reach into. I wish the episode had delved into that more, and now you’ve got people trying to use it to look for more establishment of OG Darkwing elements (though I was fine with it being separate, perceiving anything else as rather needlessly inexplicable), but ultimately that is not specifically what the episode is about, and is kept rather separate.

So what is the episode about? Like you didn’t already know…

As always, Gosalyn Waddlemeyer is a little girl whose grandfather was done away with by Taurus Bulba, and who falls into Darkwing’s lap over the course of his adventure with him. Here, her grandfather is (possibly) still alive, just lost in the ether a la Gravity Falls’ Grunkle Ford. And like the mighty glazed McGuffin, Darkwing’s goal in the episode is less strictly defeating Bulba as it is helping her get her grandfather and her home back. Gosalyn here is self-sufficient and action oriented (it may be my inner Brooklyn 99 fan talking, but I loved Stephanie Beatriz as her, and kind of wish she had gotten a wider range of lines), taking on her own crusade against Bulba until she realizes she can go to Darkwing for help, and is constantly trying to pull him into the fight - even while he is reluctant, and no matter what the danger - so that they can win and she can get justice. But in the end, she has to accept that they might not be able to.

As a longtime Batman fan, I immediately recognized a plethora of Robin references with Gosalyn. She’s a kid who’s family was taken from her by a villain, given a surrogate home by the hero - like Dick Grayson. She’s a street tough who originally met the hero committing a crime, and who is both skeptical of his heroism and heavily critical of his flaws - like Jason Todd. And she’s a young genius with a lot of scientific knowledge, tech skills and common sense - just like Tim Drake. There’s even elements of Carrie Kelley or Terry McGinnis there, in her determined if not gung-ho approach to heroism despite her circumstances and the hermit-like behavior of the hero.

And in the end, this is a fairly apt comparison, because Gosalyn essentially ends the story more as a Robin figure than previously, now as Darkwing’s more of a ward and official sidekick alongside Launchpad. The story does not, to note, involve her being adopted by Drake or becoming Gosalyn Mallard. Indeed, they don’t really end up having that sort of relationship. They’re distant and don’t really know how to relate to one another, and not about to broach the subject of family except in distant terms. There’s ultimately far less emphasis than before on Gosalyn and Drake being similar and hitting it off on a personal level, or even really Drake keying into Gosalyn’s potential and spirit as a person vs an element in his adventure. Throughout the story he regards her as a victim to be saved, then ultimately as an ally with potential to be respected, and in the end he gives her an offer to take up the mantle along side him while they search for her family… which ultimately creates something very different.

For people expecting something a little more akin to the implications the show made with Gyro and BOYD, Gosalyn here. The implication that they could be a family is brought up by Launchpad, but neither Drake nor Gosalyn are really there at the end of the story - I want to say they’re not there yet, but the way the story goes gives off the impression that the dynamic duo dichotomy is the relationship for the two the writing is most comfortable giving them.

Again, I’m a longtime Batman fan, so I understand and appreciate the nod. It gives them a really cool status quo that’s distinct from what came before it. Still, the strong father/daughter relationship between the two was very much the heart and soul of the original show, an endearing quality that created the character traits we love about both characters, and ultimately one of the primary characteristics that set the Darkwing family apart even from most comic book superhero stars - so even if they made something great out of it, it’s a shame to see Ducktales ultimately keep that relationship at arms’ length.

But that’s less a criticism and more just something I wish they had chosen to do differently - and it makes sense for the 2017 team’s take on Darkwing, which has always been more focused on “irrepressible hero who doesn’t give up” - a pluckie rookie growing into his competence - than “former fool whose great potential is unleashed through the people around him.” The latter is there, sometimes, but it’s not prominent. Original Darkwing was a man made better by his daughter, while the modern Darkwing doesn’t quite need that to find the hero within.

The only (and I mean only) criticism I have is the way the characters kind of jump around in how they respond to things. Drake wanting more crime, and then freaking out when super crime shows up and it’s way more than he thought he can handle is fine, and is one of the better character bits in the special. It being unclear whether Drake is against fighting supervillains because he thinks they’re too powerful vs because he doesn’t want to risk Gosalyn’s safety is another thing, though - it seems the show intended to imply the latter but forgot to include the line somewhere, so it’s not inferred until later and Drake suddenly benching Gos towards the end lacks set-up.

For her part, Gosalyn is suddenly and quickly afraid to fight for a brief moment so Launchpad can inspire her to face impossible odds, even though it was hardly the first time she had done so in the special. The ending I think wanted the characters to be somewhere that the rest of the special hadn’t gotten them to yet. But it’s all good - it ends well, so all’s well. Best gag of the episode, btw? Fenton, who is awful at keeping his secret identity secret, has hooked up Darkwing with his own hi-tech hero lair. Darkwing, despite supposedly being a detective (or at least an actor playing a detective), ends up as one of the two or three people remaining on Earth who hasn’t figured out that Fenton is Gizmoduck. Darkwing considers himself good friends with Fenton, despite hating Gizmoduck. It’s actually very funny.

It’s as of now unclear what is coming up for Darkwing. We know the St. Canard characters are going to factor in more as the FOWL plot progresses, and this episode kicks that plot into high gear - the characters now know about FOWL and their intentions, and are preparing themselves for a far more dangerous fight than usual. In short, with the midseason comes the renewed focus on the primary plot of the season, as per the usual. Like I said before, while I’m not as on board as most with the idea that this was a pilot, St. Canard was definitely established here - with series regular Zan Owlson as it’s new mayor, and a general aesthetic and set of protagonists. It wouldn’t be remiss for a future episode this season to take place there (though we know Negaduck isn’t happening this season).

The new few episodes, however, are focused more on the quest for Finch’s treasures and FOWL, so that’s going to have to wait for a while. We’ve been promised, as I recall, an episode that brings all the kids together (unless that’s part of the finale), which is nice - I may have mentioned before that the best episodes of the series have been the ones that put the kids (who are the characters with the most focus throughout its run) together and let all their personalities run through an adventure together - and with the cast growing somewhat constantly, it’s nice to know that no one is being forgotten.

Either way, I give the episode a great deal of recommendation - I only had a couple things that bothered me, and a few wishes for different choices, and ultimately I’m planning on watching it a ton of times just like I did the first Darkwing episode. From a classic Darkwing fan, and in the words of Bat-Mite, it’s a different intepretation to be sure, but not at all one without merit.

So thanks to Frank Angones, Matt Youngberg and the Ducktales crew! I hope my virtual thumbs up reaches them somehow, but either way, it was a good day to be dangerous.

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drinkthehalo · 4 years ago

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Macro perspective on each Lymond book

I've been listening to the Lymond Chronicles audiobooks, which has given me a different perspective than reading them. With audiobooks, you’re less inclined to stop and dive into the details, to look up an interesting word or obscure historical fact; instead you get swept along with the larger arc of the book.

So, I thought it would be interesting to look at what each book is about from a macro perspective.

Spoilers for the entire series follow.

The Game of Kings

In genre, it's a mystery told in a historical adventure style; it asks the question "Who is Lymond?" and gives us a ton of contradictory clues, then finally reveals the truth - in a psychological sense by stripping away Lymond's defense mechanisms and revealing the human being underneath, as he breaks down in the dell, "the guard was down... every fluent line and practised shade of Lymond's face betrayed him explicitly"; and in a narrative sense via the trial, which examines each "clue" we received throughout the story and tells us what it really meant.

Thematically, it's mainly about "serving honesty in a crooked way" - that morality isn’t simple and that sometimes you need to break the rules to do the right thing. Nearly all Lymond’s acts are apparently bad things done for a goal that is actually good. We see the theme also in Will Scott (who learns that the world is more complicated than the "moral philosophy" he learned in school) and the various characters who help Lymond, breaking the rules of society by aiding a wanted outlaw (Christian, Sybilla, the Somerviles).

It is also about the balance of looking out for self vs the obligation to the greater society - Lymond is not completely selfless (after all, he is back in Scotland to clear his own name), but when forced to choose, he always chooses the greater good above his own goals. He is contrasted with Richard, whose great mistake is to put his obligations to Scotland at risk in pursuit of his personal vengeance, and Margaret Lennox, who is purely and grotesquely out only for herself.

The historical context is part of this theme, as we see the various border families playing both sides between England and Scotland, with the heroes being those who ultimately stand up for Scotland, even as we understand that some have no choice but to profess one thing while doing another.

Queens Play

In genre, it's a spy novel; thematically, it's about what Lymond will do with the rest of his life. The question is asked explicitly several times (most obviously, "You have all your life still before you." / "The popular question is, for what?") It's important that Lymond loses his title at the start of this book; he has to figure out who he will be without it.

The main characters all represent possible paths Lymond could take -

O'Liam Roe, who sits back and laughs at the world with detachment, while abdicating all responsibility to use his mind and position to change the world for the better.

Robin Stewart, who loses himself in bitterness about the ways the world has been unfair to him, and in fixating on how he deserved better, fails to take any action to improve himself.

Oonagh, who works passionately to change the world for the better, but whose ideals have become corrupted because she has attached herself to a leader who is more out for himself than for their cause.

And of course Thady Boy and Vervassal, two extremes of himself that Lymond tries on, and (by the end of the series) must learn to reconcile.

The recurring imagery of the first half is the carnival, the masks, the music, the parties, and our hero in danger of losing himself amidst the debauchery. In the second half the imagery every time Lymond appears is of ice, the ultra-controlled, hyper-competent version of Lymond at risk of losing himself by denying his artistic soul. (There’s a wonderful essay here that explores these motifs.)

In the end, Lymond comes to the conclusion that he must not withdraw into detachment or bitterness, that he must find a way to make a positive difference in the world, but that he also must not attach himself to a powerful figure who may be more out for themselves than for Scotland (ie, his refusal to attach himself to Marie de Guise). This sets up the creation of his mercenary army in the next books, as a way he can exercise independent influence in the world.

The Disorderly Knights

This book couldn't be more relevant to the world today. It's a portrait of cynical hypocrisy in pursuit of power; it lays out step by step the tactics of propaganda and manipulation used by despots to build up themselves and tear down their rivals: pretend to be pious, accuse of others of your own crimes, tear down straw men instead of engaging in real debate. It tells us to "look at his hands"; what matters is what a leader actually does, not what he professes to believe.

It shows us how leaders use charisma to manipulate, and, in showing the battle between Gabriel and Lymond for Jerott's loyalty, shows how Lymond takes the harder and more ethical path, by refusing to use his charisma to seduce (a lesson learned from his experience with Robin Stewart) and instead guiding Jerott to come to his own conclusions by means of rational thought instead of hero worship.

At every level the novel advocates for tolerance and internationalism, and against petty sectarianism, as Lymond questions whether the Knights of St John are really any better than the Turks, and as he tries to get the Scottish border families to abandon their feuds in favor of the greater good of the country.

In terms of genre, it’s a pure adventure novel. I never get bored of the masterful action sequences with the battles in Malta and Tripoli, and the extraordinary duel at St Giles in the end. (Also in terms of thematic imagery, there is some crazy S&M shit going on in this book, with Gabriel and Joleta's sadism and Lymond's self-sacrificial masochism.)

I love Disorderly Knights so much. It is nearly perfect - well structured, thematically coherent, witty, fun, breathtaking, and heartbreaking.

Pawn in Frankincense

In genre, this is a quest novel. In several places it explicitly parallels The Odyssey.

In theme, it explores -

Do the ends justify the means? How much sacrifice is too much? Lymond gives up his fortune, his body, and his health; Philippa gives up her freedom and her future; we are asked often consider, which goal is more important, stopping Gabriel or saving the child? We even see this theme in Marthe's subplot, as she gives up the treasure, her dream to "be a person," to save her companions. Perhaps the most telling moment is right after Lymond kills Gabriel; despite all his claims that Gabriel’s death mattered more than the fate of the child, he’s already forgotten it, instead playing over and over in his mind the death of Khaireddin. If you do what is intellectually right but it destroys your soul, was it really right?

The other big theme is “nature vs nurture.” What is the impact of upbringing on how people turn out? In its comparisons of Kuzum vs Khaireddin, and Lymond vs Marthe, it seems to fall firmly on the side of nurture.

It’s also a kaleidoscope of views on love, with its Pilgrims of Love and their poetry, and the contrasting images of selfless, sacrificial love (Philippa and Evangelista for Kuzum, Salablanca for Lymond, Lymond for Khaireddin, perhaps Marthe for Lymond as she helps him in the end) with possessive, needy “love” (Marthe for Guzel, Jerott for Marthe or Lymond, arguably even the Aga for Lymond).

This novel is also a tragedy. Its imagery and the historical background complement the themes by creating an atmosphere lush, beautiful, labyrinthine, overwhelming, and suffocating.

The Ringed Castle

I have to confess this is my least favorite, in large part because I find the historical sequences (in Russia and in Mary Tudor's court in England) go on way too long and have only tangential relationships to the themes and characters.

It seems to be primarily about self-delusion as a response to trauma. Lymond spends the entire novel trying to be someone he isn't, in a place he doesn't belong, because he is too damaged to face reality. (His physical blindness as a manifestation of his psychological blindness; the sequences at John Dee's, surrounded by mirrors, forcing him to see himself.)

Lymond convinces himself he can build a wall around his heart to block out all human connection, that he can be a “machine,” but despite his best efforts, he cares for Adam Blacklock and develops a true friendship with Diccon Chancellor. And of course, by far the most important moment is after the Hall of Revels, when Lymond's heart unfreezes and he suddenly sees one thing VERY clearly. (And then tries, desperately, to escape it.)

The only reason I can think of that the book lingers so long on Mary Tudor (so boring omg) is the parallel with Lymond, her false pregnancies as a manifestation of her desire to see the world as she wants it to be, and her failure to see reality as it is. Ivan of Russia also is a parallel: delusional, unable to trust, and dangerous. Their failures, and the failure of Lymond's Russia adventure and relationship with Guzel, tell us that you cannot hide from reality forever.

The book spends so long painting the backdrop of 16th century Russia that it makes me think that Dunnett got too caught up in her research and needed a stronger editor, although there is also a parallel with Lymond in the idea of Russia as a traumatized nation struggling to establish itself, and of course, Lymond subsuming his need to deal with his own issues into a goal of building a nation.

It's also about exploration, about the intellectual wonder of discovering that there is more to the world, as we learn about Diccon Chancellor and the Muscovy Company. It’s wonderful imagery, but I struggle to how this fits coherently into the overall theme of the novel, and am curious how others reconcile it.

I like the idea of this book more than the reality. If you’re going to do to your hero what Dunnett did to Lymond in “Pawn,” there has to be consequences. But hundreds of pages of our hero in such a frozen state is difficult to read.

That said, the Hall of Revels is one of the best things in the series, and I’ll always love this book for that.

Checkmate

Checkmate is about reconciliation of self and recovery from trauma, as Lymond is forced (kicking and screaming) to accept who is and what he's done, and to allow himself to love and be loved. Philippa is his guide, as she discovers the secrets of his birth, understands his childhood, hears his tales of all the terrible things he's done, and loves him anyway. As far as genre, this is definitely a romance.

There are villains in this book (Leonard Bailey, Margaret Lennox, Austin Grey) but they're all fairly weak; the true antagonist is Lymond himself. From the beginning, he could have everything he needs to be happy (he's married to the woman he loves, and she loves him back!); his true struggle is to stop running from it (by escaping to Russia or committing suicide) and to break through his own psychological barriers enough to allow himself to accept it.

The primary parallel is with Jerott and Marthe, who also have happiness almost in their grasp, but never manage to achieve it.

The heritage plot looms large and is (IMO) tedious; it's so melodramatic that it takes some mental gymnastics to get it to make thematic sense to me. It ultimately comes down to Lymond's identity crisis and childhood trauma. His “father” rejected and abused him, so he based his identity on his relationship to his mother, but his suspicion that he is a bastard means he lives in terror that he doesn’t really belong in his family and that, if his mother isn’t perfect, he is rotten. (I love him but, my god, it is juvenile. The only way I can reconcile it is that his fear about the circumstances of his birth is really just a stand-in for his self-hatred caused by his traumas.) He also continues to struggle with his envy that Richard was born into a position with power and influence that Lymond has spent the past six books struggling to obtain, and that Lymond’s terrible traumas (starting with the galleys) would not have happened if he had been the heir. The discovery that he actually IS the legitimate heir is what finally snaps him out of it, since his reaction is to want to protect Richard, and this also reconciles him to Sybilla since protecting Richard was her goal too.

There are some other parts of this book that I struggle to reconcile (Lymond's inability to live if he can't have sex with Philippa; the way the focus on heritage seems to undercut the nature vs nurture themes; that no one but Jerott is bothered by Marthe's death, which undercuts some of the most moving moments in "Pawn”; and I mostly just pretend the predestination and telepathy stuff didn’t happen). On the other hand, I do sort of love the way this book wholeheartedly embraces the idea that there is no human being on earth who will ever be as melodramatic as Francis Crawford.

In terms of the historical elements, in addition to providing the narrative grounding for the character stuff to play out, it sets up the idea that Scotland has troubles coming up (the religious wars, the betrayal of the de Guises) and that Lymond needs to go home, let go of France and Russia, and focus on Scotland where he belongs. I’m sure there is also some political nuance in the fact that our Scottish hero, after spending so much time and energy in France, ends up with an English wife.

The conclusion in the music room is perfect - it brings us back to the amnesiac Lymond who innocently played music with Christian Stewart, to Thady Boy whose songs made the cynical French court weep, and fills the “void” Lymond described to Jerott where there was no prospect of music. The aspects of himself are finally reconciled and he has a partner to share his life with.

I am curious what others see as the macro / thematic big picture meanings of these books. :) And if anyone can find the key to make “Ringed Castle” and “Checkmate” make more sense to me...

#lymond #the lymond chronicles

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nobodyfamousposts · 5 years ago

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Felix July - Personality Swap (Felix Culpa)

Because why not? @felixmonth

It was a beautiful day at Franciose Dupont.

At least until Marinette found a phone being shoved in her face by an overly excited Alya as Nino and Adrien followed just behind her.

“Girl! Check it out!”

She sighed. “What now?”

Alya beamed, ignoring Marinette’s less than enthusiastic interest. “I’ve got a new interview with Lila after Ladybug rescued her from an akuma earlier!”

“And that is supposed to actually impress anyone?” Marinette asked, almost sounding bored. “Pretty much everyone has been saved by Ladybug at least once at this point.”

That put a bit of a damper on the conversation as the other three lost a bit of their enthusiasm at that. Adrien’s smile faded slightly, noting the less than supportive response from their “Everyday Ladybug”.

“But you know how much Lila has done, and she IS Ladybug’s bestie. The viewers will love it!”

“Did you even talk to Ladybug about any of this before running this information? Make sure it was true or in any way accurate?”

Adrien frowned, a bit put off by her tone. He knew Lila was still pulling her regular antics, but Marinette didn’t have to be so snippy. The tone was completely unlike her, for all that it sounded familiar.

“Girl, you know I take my journalism very seriously! I always make sure to get the story straight!” Alya replied, passing the other girl’s comment off as a joke.

Marinette raised an eyebrow at that. “Like the time you thought Chloe was Ladybug even though we all clearly saw the two of them together during the Stoneheart and Bubbler incidents?”

The boys blinked in surprise. Of course it couldn’t have been meant the way it sounded because this was Marinette saying it, but it still sounded pretty harsh.

“This is different!” Alya insisted, clearly annoyed by the jabs but trying to ignore them as unintentional slights and remain civil.

“What, you mean you’re actually going to fact check this time?” Marinette asked, incredulously.

Yeah, there was no mistaking it that time. That comment definitely held some bite to it.

Nino gaped in horror because this…this was not Marinette. The Marinette he knew was never this…mean!

Alya looked like she was two seconds away from blowing up at the other girl.

Adrien stared at Marinette in shock before his expression turned to one of hurt. “Marinette, that’s uncalled for.”

And Marinette simply gave him a flat stare in response. “My apologies, I’ve forgotten that according to you, apparently I’m supposed to stand by and stay quiet when I know someone is doing something wrong because clearly not inconveniencing them is supposed to be the bigger concern over having them not do bad things. I wish I could say I actually care, but not all of us get to ride on the High Horse Express, Agreste.”

“I never said—”

“Nevermind that if you had told Nino at the very least about Lila’s blatant and obvious lies, he wouldn’t have pressured you on her behalf and the whole mess with you being forced to take her to your house, her manipulating your father’s staff, and Kagami getting akumatized wouldn’t have happened. Not that any of that has actually gotten you to speak up about her yet, but I guess that just goes to show how you care less about protecting the people who are actually good vs the ones who you want to believe might eventually be good no matter how much they clearly show they don’t.”

Adrien’s eyes widened. “I didn’t mean—"

“Just go back to your corner and ignore things like you always do. The people who are actually willing to solve problems are talking.”

Alya and Nino gaped in shock, completely uncertain how to take any of this. Lila lied—well, they knew Marinette had been saying as such but that was yet to be confirmed. But that Adrien knew and kept quiet? All of that and any other questions, however, paled in comparison to seeing Marinette of all people blatantly telling off Adrien in such a way. ADRIEN AGRESTE. She hadn’t even managed a full conversation with him before where she didn’t stumble over her words, but this?

Seeing the group’s collective expressions, Marinette rolled her eyes. “By which I mean ‘me’, because of course I’m the only one who ever actually has to do anything around here. Or rather ‘everything’.”

They couldn’t stop staring. Because…was this Marinette? Marinette Dupain-Cheng does not say such things. Or act this way.

But she was, as the girl in question remained completely unconcerned, looking to her watch and ignoring their shocked expressions. “Speaking of which, I have to get to the classroom to help plan more projects that you people won’t appreciate just so you can keep badgering me about how I never do enough for you."

She didn’t even give them a chance to respond before turning on her heel and walking away. Well, walking towards the school and away from them, leaving the three in the metaphorical dust and just gaping at her in confusion and abject horror.

“What. The hell. Was that?” Nino asked, too shocked to fully rationalize what had just happened.

“Maybe…maybe she’s just upset about something else and she’s lashing out?” Adrien suggested weakly. He glanced after her in worry. “Maybe we should talk with her?”

“Oh, I’ll talk to her all right! I am going to give that girl a piece of my mind!” Alya was practically seething as she started to storm towards the school to catch up to her ‘friend’ and have a few good words for her.

It was perhaps fortunate for everyone that someone bumped into her first, drawing her attention and distracting her from her ire.

Except the one who bumped into her was Felix, who was generally a regular source of ire and spite.

“I’m so sorry!” He blurted immediately, looking strained.

…Except this time, apparently.

Alya stared.

“What?”

“I didn’t hurt you, did I?” He asked, worriedly as he looked her up and down in an attempt to see if there were any injuries.

She continued to stare.

“What?”

“I am sorry,” Felix repeated. “I didn’t mean to bump into you. Are you alright?”

“…What?”

Felix frowned at her before turning to the other two boys, eyes wide in worry. “She’s not responding! I think she may have a concussion.” He gripped his head and started growing more frantic. “Now she’s going to have to be hospitalized and may get amnesia and never be able to update the Ladyblog and all of her fans will be furious and try to hunt me down so I’ll have to live in a bunker and survive off canned food for the rest of my life!” The…unusual-behaving Felix groaned, finishing his…rather unusual rant by covering his eyes with his hands.

Alya…continued to stare.

The boys, unfortunately, were just as shocked as she was and thus were no help to explaining Felix’s strange yet somehow familiar behavior.

The taller blond forced himself to stop and take a breath. “I can’t do this. I don’t understand how she lives like this! If it’s not worrying about hurting someone’s feelings, it’s freaking over how even the slightest mistake can snowball into an unspeakable tragedy.”

Adrien blinked. “Wait—what?”

Felix sighed before turning to face the three. “Where is Marinette?”

Nino finally regained enough composure to speak. “She uh…went inside. She said some…things, and then just had enough and walked off.” Not even stormed off—that would have required some sort of feeling. No, she just coolly glided away with all the confidence and elegance of a figure skater.

Felix groaned at that, realizing exactly what Nino meant. “I am so sorry about that.”

“It’s not your fault.” Adrien said, trying to reassure him albeit uncertain in doing so since this WAS Felix he was talking to. A very out of character-acting Felix, but Felix nonetheless. He was half expecting a snarky remark of some sort at any point. Not that it would have phased him given the verbal thrashing Marinette of all people had just given moments before.

“It kind of is.” The other blond replied. “She can’t help it. She doesn’t have my restraint.”

The three blinked at him.

“What?”

“Look,” Felix said with a sigh. “There’s an akuma running around that apparently switches characteristics between its victims and it did…THIS to us.” He explained, gesturing to himself and his current unravelling state like that actually explained anything. “Next thing I knew, Marinette left and I was distracted by…everything.”

“Like…?” Alya prodded.

“I’ve lost count.” He deadpanned. Because honestly, if it wasn’t a crying child, it would be a cat caught in a tree. If there wasn’t some elderly man crossing the street, there would be someone carrying a package that’s too heavy for them. The fact that he made it back to the school at all was a miracle.

And if this was what it was like for him, he couldn’t stop the growing fear of what Marinette had become. Because it wasn’t as easy as simply saying Felix’s negative attitude and Marinette’s positive personality were switched. No, that would be inaccurate.

Felix was a dour person, full of bitterness and spite for those who earned his ire—which was admittedly all too easy to accomplish. But he had at least some ability—or rather had learned long before now how to and what to hold back. At least in this way, he was simply seen as having a somewhat cynical personality, and would be avoided rather than targeted. He had his opinions and enough confidence to let people know what he thought regardless of whose feelings he may hurt in the process.

Marinette, on the other hand, was a generally kind person. She was always one to try to help others. But something common overlooked was her anxiety, which often led to her making mistakes just as much as it pushed her to correct them—even when they weren’t hers. She contrasted with Felix in that she cared too much about other people’s feelings. She was often putting others before herself. It was one of the reasons she was so well liked.

But with this situation…it was switched. And even worse, neither of them were equipped to handle the other’s personality.

She didn’t have Felix’s restraint, and he lacked her resilience.

And knowing Marinette and everything she’s done and been through, she would likely have a lot to say to people that she would no doubt regret later. Even if these are her feelings, and however much truth there may be, he had little doubt that she would never have wanted to reveal them this way. All those dark, negative, bitter thoughts that she’d always felt but never even acknowledged. Just how much were there?

He winced at the thought. Even if he wasn’t holding Marinette’s anxiety and desire to help, he knew he wouldn’t want this for her.

It would devastate her if she ended up really hurting anyone.

“Just…please don’t hold this against Marinette. She doesn’t mean what she says, she just…” He winced because she kind of did but they didn’t need to know that. “She has a bit too much of ‘me’ in her at the moment.”

“Wait—” Nino cut in. “Are you saying Mari is YOU right now?”

Felix hesitated, but soon nodded. “In a sense, yes.”

The three stared. Because that would explain Marinette’s behavior, but that would also mean that while she had HIS personality, HE also had HERS.

And Felix…poor Felix just looked about ready to drop.

“I cannot live like this! The day hasn’t even started and I’m already exhausted from the anxiety and niceties! I keep getting distracted by wanting to fix things for people or my own thoughts jumping to completely illogical conclusions!”

“That…sounds like Marinette all right.” Nino admitted.

“Don’t worry.” Adrien consoled him. “Ladybug and Chat Noir will fix this in no time!”

Alya just continued to stare.

Then her eye started twitching.

“Nope!”

And she promptly spun on her heel and walked away.

“Wait—Alya! Where are you going?” Adrien yelled.

“A salty Marinette was bad enough but a NICE Felix?” She exclaimed, only pausing for a moment to respond. “Nope! I’m done. I have reached my limit—AND I DIDN’T EVEN KNOW I HAD ONE!” She shook her head and kept going. “This is officially too weird for me. I’m going home. Somebody call me when things start making sense again.”

The three boys watched her leave with various levels of bewilderment.

Adrien was the one to step back and turn to the school.

“Okay, we need to find Marinette and get this akuma.”

#ml fic #ml au #felix culpa #felix july #felix month #ml felix #felix agreste #marinette dupain cheng #alya cesaire #adrien agreste #nino lahiffe

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aion-rsa · 4 years ago

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Oscars 2021 Predictions and Analysis of Frontrunners

https://ift.tt/3s3HJE1

Perhaps the most surprising thing about the Oscars 2021 nominations is how unsurprising they were. There were course a handful of snubs, from One Night in Miami and Ma Rainey’s Black Bottom being left out of the Best Picture category to LaKeith Stanfield surprising awards watchers with a Best Supporting Actor nod thanks to Judas and the Black Messiah (displacing Chadwick Boseman from Da 5 Bloods). But by and large? Things proceeded the way prognosticators pretty much expected.

With the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences picks in, we can see that David Fincher’s Mank is the technical favorite with below the line voters, pushing the Netflix deconstruction of Golden Age Hollywood to eight nominations. These include major nods for Picture, Director and Best Actor (Gary Oldman) and Best Supporting Actress (Amanda Seyfried), but also a lot of technical recognition too in Cinematography, Production Design, Costume, and Makeup and Hairstyling.

Even so, the obvious frontrunner remains Chloé Zhao’s Nomadland, a beautiful film that turns the tragedy of the Great Recession into a bittersweet celebration of American Nomad culture. The Searchlight Pictures release garnered six nominations, including Zhao in the Best Director category and another for Best Picture. Zhao’s directing nod, alongside Emerald Fennell for Promising Young Woman, additionally made history with this being the first time two women were nominated in the Best Director category in the same year.

Meanwhile fans still mourning Chadwick Boseman’s tragic loss, as well as celebrating his tour de force final performance in Ma Rainey’s Black Bottom, can take some small comfort in the actor being the heavily favored contender in the Best Actor category.

In the end, things proceeded more or less as how the breathless awards race media class hoped it would. All of which raises an interesting question: Will there be any actual surprises then on Oscar night? Well… below is our best, and entirely too early, guess at what will win Best Picture and the other major categories. Be sure to check back here on Oscar night to remind us how wrong we were.

Just for clarity, nominees we want to win will be italicized while the ones we think will win will be bolded. When they’re one in the same, one contender will be italicized and bolded.

Best Picture

The Father Judas and the Black Messiah Mank Minari Nomadland Promising Young Woman Sound of Metal The Trial of the Chicago 7

I’m not sure I can think of a year with a more clear cut and inevitable frontrunner than Nomadland in 2021. There have been other years with dominant frontrunners—almost every year in fact—including several that go on to win, such as Green Book just two award seasons ago. However, there is almost always a counter-narrative that threatens the perceived frontrunner. Sometimes those whisper campaigns unseat the presumptive winner (see La La Land and 1917), and sometimes they don’t. But in the case of Chloé Zhao’s Nomadland there isn’t even a serious challenger.

This in part because Zhao made an extraordinary film which uncannily mixed documentarian filmmaking and its study of real-life American Nomads with narrative storytelling. It’s a trick Zhao has done several times before, including memorably with the Independent Spirit Award winner, The Rider. But here it is done with Oscar favorite in star Frances McDormand, and it draws attention to a whole culture of forgotten (white) Americans. Additionally, Nomadland is opening in a pandemic year where most of the more traditional awards contenders have vacated. The ones that haven’t are mostly being produced by Netflix, including The Trial of the Chicago 7 and Mank. The former might be a real contender for Best Picture under different circumstances, but the Academy is notoriously recalcitrant toward awarding Best Picture to Netflix originals and other streaming efforts. Just ask Roma for more.

Nomadland braved a small theatrical debut ahead of its premiere on Hulu, supporting the theatrical experience during COVID, while Chicago 7 was snubbed a Best Director nomination, suggesting there is some skepticism toward the film among a large wing of Academy voters. Mank, meanwhile, is an acquired taste that appeals to my personal sensibility. But it’s quite cold and less a love letter to the movie industry than a loving middle finger. That fact will probably hurt it in a number of categories, including Best Original Screenplay where it was snubbed today.

Best Director

Thomas Vinterberg, Another Round David Fincher, Mank Lee Isaac Chung, Minari Chloé Zhao, Nomadland Emerald Fennell, Promising Young Woman

While I would vote another way for Best Picture, I am totally onboard with seeing Zhao pick up the Best Director plaudit. Hers is an entirely unique cinematic voice that has successfully blurred the lines of how narrative filmmaking can be conveyed, and she’s done so while cultivating a great sense of empathy in Nomadland. The picture that finds beauty and resilience in a story that could’ve been a tragedy, memorializing the Americans left behind by the Great Recession.

Her groundbreaking techniques make her stand out in her field. Plus, Academy will be acutely self-conscious this year about the disappointing fact that only one other woman, Kathryn Bigelow, has won a Best Director Oscar. So be prepared for Zhao to make that two.

Best Actress

Viola Davis, Ma Rainey’s Black Bottom Andra Day, The United States vs. Billie Holiday Vanessa Kirby, Pieces of a Woman Frances McDormand, Nomadland Carey Mulligan, Promising Young Woman

Carey Mulligan is phenomenal in Emerald Fennell’s Promising Young Woman. Acerbic but devastating, guarded but vulnerable, and equal parts righteous and occasionally terrifying, she provides a multifaceted turn unlike anything else we’ve seen from the now twice-nominated actor. Previously she was recognized for her ingénue breakout in An Education, but now as an adult thespian, she’s a true revelation. That narrative will appeal to Academy voters, especially as they tend to favor younger actresses in the lead category. Frances McDormand is a famous exception to that rule, but McDormand has two Oscars already, and one is for Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri from only three years ago. Also Mulligan is much more keen on playing the awards season campaign game.

Admittedly, Andra Day won for Best Actress in a Drama at the Golden Globes … but the Globes are always going to be their own thing (ask Jodie Foster for more). And while Day is wonderful in The United States vs. Billie Holiday, that movie’s more meager quality is going to be an albatross.

Best Actor

Riz Ahmed, Sound of Metal Chadwick Boseman, Ma Rainey’s Black Bottom Anthony Hopkins, The Father Gary Oldman, Mank Steven Yeun, Minari

In his final performance, Chadwick Boseman is heartbreaking and utterly riveting. All strained bravado and barely masked desperation, his Levee is cool to a tragic fault in Ma Rainey’s Black Bottom. The film he occupies, based on the August Wilson play of the same name, enjoys its contrasts about Black artists navigating white dominated industries. But while Viola Davis’ charismatic turn is above the title, the B-side to her story as embodied by Levee is where the film’s ghosts wait. And they stayed with me long after the Netflix film ended.

Movies

How Chadwick Boseman Created His Final Performance in Ma Rainey’s Black Bottom

By Don Kaye

Movies

Promising Young Woman: Director Emerald Fennell Breaks Down the Ending

By Rosie Fletcher

Boseman deserves a posthumous Oscar for his turn—which would make him only the third performer to win one after Peter Finch for Network and Heath Ledger for The Dark Knight—and he’ll almost certainly get it on Oscar night.

Best Supporting Actress

Maria Bakalova, Borat Glenn Close, Hillbilly Eleg Olivia Colman, The Father Amanda Seyfried, Mank Youn, Yuh-jung, Minari

Conventional wisdom says Olivia Colman will win Best Supporting Actress for The Father. The Academy certainly likes her, having awarded her Best Actress two years ago for The Favourite, and the Academy also has a history of being more lenient on relative back-to-back Oscars in the Supporting category, unlike the historical precedents in the leading actor categories. However, I’m taken by the relative lack of consensus-building around Colman to date. Granted the Golden Globes denied Colman in favor of Jodie Foster, whose performance wasn’t even recognized by the Oscars this year. But the Critics Choice Awards also overlooked Colman while providing Maria Bakalova with a surprise win for Borat: Subsequent Moviefilm.

Precedent should still make me wary of picking Bakalova to win the award. After all, it’s a comedic performance which the Academy usually shies away from. However, this comedic turn was so good, it was able to expose Rudy Giuliani to be a creep with his hand down his pants in front of the world. That will appeal to Academy voters, especially after a year like 2020. Meanwhile my personal choice—Amanda Seyfried’s understated but wholly authentic restoration of Marion Davies’ image after Citizen Kane—may suffer from just a general apathy toward that film’s demeanor, at least from above the line voters. Her snub by her peers at the SAG Awards unfortunately speaks poorly of her chances.

Best Supporting Actor

Sacha Baron Cohen, The Trial of the Chicago 7 Daniel Kaluuya, Judas and the Black Messiah Leslie Odom Jr., One Night in Miami Paul Raci, Sound of Metal LaKeith Stanfield, Judas and the Black Messiah

Daniel Kaluuya’s performance in Judas and the Black Messiah is a sweltering achievement. With limited screen time—despite being the ostensible messiah of the film’s title—Kaluuya is searing as the Black Panther Party Chairman who created the Rainbow Coalition and was hounded to his death by the FBI through illegal means. I’m also partial to Sacha Baron Cohen’s turn in The Trial of the Chicago 7 where he showed a more sardonic range as a counterculture activist in the Windy City. But even I’ll concede his performance isn’t the one folks will probably be quoting for years to come.

Best Original Screenplay

Judas and the Black Messia Minari Promising Young Woman Sound of Metal The Trial of the Chicago 7

Traditionally the Screenplay categories are where Academy voters tend to recognize the more challenging outside-the-mainstream Best Picture nominees they don’t want to give the top prize to. Ergo, it’s a great place for Emerald Fennell to pick up an award for Promising Young Woman. The movie is too candy colored bleak and light hearted in its tragedies to garner enough Academy support in Best Picture, but its originality will be awarded here.

Best Adapted Screenplay

Borat 2 The Father Nomadland One Night in Miami The White Tiger

I suspect the love for Nomadland will continue in the Adapted Screenplay category with Zhao picking up another Oscar. While the screenplay is quite brilliant, I personally feel the movie’s greater achievement is in its visual storytelling and melding of real stories with a broader fictional narrative. Whereas Kemp Powers’ adaptation of his own play is magnificent. There is a fair criticism to be made that Powers couldn’t fully escape the stageniess of his original conceit about spending a night in a motel room with Malcolm X, Muhammad Ali, Sam Cooke, and Jim Brown. But the acute intelligence of his dialogue, and the way it cuts to the tensions of Black responsibility juxtaposed with soft American power, is as potent as it is finally exciting.

Best Cinematography

Judas and the Black Messiah Mank News of the World Nomadland The Trial of the Chicago 7

I suppose I’m predicting a sweep for Nomadland, which in some ways will be earned. In others it may not, such as if Sean Bobbitt’s cinematography in Judas and the Black Messiah.

Best Film Editing

The Father Nomadland Promising Young Woman Sound of Metal The Trial of the Chicago 7

Film editing should be the one category Aaron Sorkin’s The Trial of the Chicago 7 has locked up. With a breathless pace executed in nervy style by Alan Baumgarten, The Trial of the Chicago 7 makes dialogue exchanges out to be as exciting as any special effects-heavy set piece.

Best Costume Design

Emma. Mank Ma Rainey’s Black Bottom Mulan Pinocchio

I suspect Costumes will be one area where Ma Rainey’s Black Bottom receives some technical applause by the Academy. However, I think the pastel and historically accurate designs in Autumn de Wilde’s meticulously designed Emma. shouldn’t go overlooked.

Best Production Design

The Father Ma Rainey’s Black Bottom Mank News of the World Tenet

The amount of painstaking research and effort that went into so minutely recreating 1930s Hollywood in David Fincher’s Mank is undeniable. While I am expecting largely a shutout for my favorite film of last year, this will be one place where Mank will not go ignored.

Best Makeup and Hairstyling

Emma Hillbilly Elegy Ma Rainey’s Black Bottom Mank Pinocchio

Ma Rainey’s Black Bottom can win for Viola Davis’ immersive transformation into the Mother of the Blues alone.

Best Original Score

Da 5 Bloods Mank Minari News of the World Soul

It stands to reason that Trent Reznor and Atticus Ross will pick up another Oscar for the score of Soul, which will also mark the first one for co-writer Jon Batiste. This would be a happy outcome, but if I’m honest the Emile Mosseri score of Minari touched me more.

Best Animated Feature Film

Onward Over the Moon A Shaun the Sheep Movie: Farmageddon Soul Wolfwalkers

It’s another open and shut year for Pixar thanks to Soul. There’s of course a case to be made for Wolfwalkers, which was a beautiful work of art that’s actually hand drawn. But it’s an open secret that most Academy voters (sadly) do not watch all the animated nominees, and pick solely from the Pixar/Disney catalog. And Soul really is one of the best Pixar films in quite a while so…

Best Visual Effects

Love and Monsters The Midnight Sky Mulan The One and Only Ivan Tenet

There is precedent for the Academy to award less than deserving films in this category simply because the winner is associated with a more popular movie in above the line categories. However, none of the above the line darlings were visual effects heavy this year, and for whatever you might think about Christopher Nolan’s Tenet, there is no denying its visual wizardry is astounding, from the stunt work that sees men bungie jumping upwards to having in-camera effects happening simultaneously in different time streams. So the movie that wanted to “save cinema” may not be entirely overlooked by the industry on Oscar night.

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magicofthepen · 4 years ago

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Gallifrey Relisten: Spirit

This reaction post is almost 4,000 words long, which, given the episode in question.....is very on brand for me. So here have a whole lot of ramblings, in which I go back and forth between “I love this so much” and “hmm yes I do think Spirit is overhyped by virtue of being The Romana/Leela Episode,” and back and forth between “I will be objective and not get overtly shippy about this” and “I’m definitely getting overtly shippy about this.”

(Includes discussion of The Apocalypse Element, the rest of Series 2, Intervention Earth and Enemy Lines, also a bit about Time War 3, but only in the last section.)

Things that are absolutely not overrated and deserve every bit of the hype:

1. The premise

Like, hold on. Hold on. Here we have an entire episode resting on the premise of “Romana wants Leela to stay on Gallifrey so badly that in spite of being y’know, the President of a planet, and specifically a planet currently undergoing major social changes and dealing with evil eldritch beings, the #1 most important thing for her to do with her time is take Leela on a private vacation off world to convince Leela why she should stay on Gallifrey.” (Hint: it’s. it’s for Romana.)

She also then proceeds to be very bad at using her words when it comes to this premise because Romana is all into grand gesture and very little into actually talking about her feelings. Of course. But in an episode that rests on the idea of Romana as the Rational, Logic-Driven One, and Leela as the Instinctive, Emotion-Driven One, it is very good that the premise of the episode is entirely driven by Romana’s emotions. (Wait. Am I going to talk myself out of the idea that Spirit creates these overly simplistic contrasts between Romana and Leela by arguing that it also muddies them at the same time? .....I still think the “overly simplistic” thing is true to an extent. But stay tuned.)

2. The core emotional story

I’m deeply into Gallifrey for the relationships between the main characters, so Spirit is vastly appealing on that front.

The central question of Spirit is: can Leela trust Romana? Leela’s been deeply betrayed by her husband, she feels lost and adrift and she’s doubting her own ability to judge people. (“He stood before me as Torvald, and I did not know him. I had thought myself to have a keener eye.” / “But is his the only trust I may have given in error?”) Leela’s doubting her own instincts specifically, which is why it’s so important that this episode has Romana move from being more dismissive of Leela’s instinctive, emotional approach to the world, to understanding where Leela’s coming from and appreciating her instincts and worldview. Leela needs to trust not just Romana, but also herself.

And it is 1. important to explore this! Shoutout to Gallifrey for not brushing aside the emotional repercussions of Andred’s betrayal on Leela’s close relationships in general and her own image of herself! and 2. intersects in super fascinating ways with Romana’s trust issues.

Romana gets a hard time for the “valuable asset” thing, which. Fair. But I think it is important to acknowledge the premise here — the whole vacation, everything Romana is actually doing screams “I care about you very much on a personal level,” and just because she isn’t saying that doesn’t mean she isn’t showing that. Because she has her own baggage when it comes to friendship and trust, and a lot of that does loop back around to “being imprisoned for twenty years and having no one come to save you really messes you up. on so many levels.”

(Also I have to mention the end of The Apocalypse Element because that last scene with the Doctor and Romana really established how I looked at Romana and her close personal relationships moving forward. Because yeahhhh maybe having the one (1) person who is specifically your Friend (and not your colleague, or advisor, or anything related to The Presidency) go “yeah you can clean up this mess right! cool bye!” after you’ve gone through decades of trauma immediately followed by needing to repel an invasion of your planet....maybe that might make you distrust that anyone in the universe is actually going to care about you as a person anymore, and not see you as The President of Gallifrey first and foremost).

Bottom line: Romana really, really likes Leela (.....we all can decide in what way....), but also has a whole lot of doubt that other people could care about her as a person, doubt that it’s even worth letting herself be that emotionally vulnerable with someone else, because what if they throw her trust and care back in her face? And so this whole episode, there’s this undercurrent of wanting to trust each other and wanting to care about each other simmering under the surface for the both of them, but they’re both having trouble really seeing and believing what each other is feeling and I love it. I love this kind of interesting, complicated relationship struggle so much, and I love how Spirit has a positive ending, where they both manage to convey to each other in one way or another that they really do want to be around each other. ( “I was so alone in the world of dreams when you left. The wildlands were dark and so quiet. I do not wish to be alone.” / “There will be a place for you with me, for always. Whatever face I wear.” ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh)

(Sure, the later episodes of the season fuck everything up again, but we are Not Talking about Insurgency/Imperiatrix here.)

(We are also Not Talking about Intervention Earth/Enemy Lines....okay I’ll talk a little about IE/EL, but only because when relistening to Spirit there’s this sort of elephant in the room with “There will be a place for you with me, for always. Whatever face I wear.” And that elephant is the writers deciding that when Romana regenerated, she would abandon Leela, which...hmmm. To be fair, I have lots of more complex, specific thoughts about what might have happened emotionally and literally in that thankfully jettisoned timeline, but the bottom line is that I was and still am very *side eyes* at that writing choice.)

3. The chair scene

Oh my god. Oh my god. This scene is actually brilliant and delightful on every relisten, I want it framed please??

I think it’s probably iconic because it’s just so happy, and it is so so wonderful to have a moment like that, with the two of them making up a silly story to Hallan about what happened to the window and laughing about it. And it is good! It’s so good! (A side note: Romana in particular in this episode has that “audibly smiling” tone of voice so so much more than usual, in addition to her overall tone having very clearly shifted away from “presidential” for the majority of the episode and y’all.....it’s so excellent to hear, that is such a rare thing.)

Also specifically, it’s the fact that Leela is like ugh this room is too stuffy :( and Romana immediately is like “I must fix this, I need to make her happy” and does something so ridiculous and impulsive just to please Leela.......again, this episode is pulling a Romana Has Too Many Feelings and is acting on her emotional instincts thing......yes.

“You’re a breath of it yourself in the Capital.” “Oh Romana, nice words will not make me stay.” I’m sorry but Romana’s delivery of this line is so flirtatious? (And Leela going ah no, you can’t flirt your way out of this.)

Things that are......not good:

1. The science vs. spirituality dichotomy (and how it makes the characters look)

The whole evolution vs. creation discussion thing not only feels too simplistic for the characters, but it also feels like it’s deliberately painting Leela in a negative light? To have Leela specifically going I don’t believe in evolution when the audience is going to disagree with her and bounce off of that....yeah. It also feels like the whole exaggerated ~super in tune with nature, doesn’t know or believe things about science~ thing is leaning into the racist indigenous stereotypes her character is too often linked to.

And on top of that, it doesn’t feel in character? Classic Who episodes don’t stick in my brain that well so my memory isn’t super clear on the details, but Leela was banished from her tribe for questioning their beliefs. Plus she learned that her society’s social divisions were based on misinformation and forgotten history (having more information was important, it changed things for her world). And she was the one who wanted to leave and travel, and also has always showed a lot of interest in learning new things. To have Leela so deeply clinging to the beliefs she learned when she was young, without any of that questioning or the nuance of weaving in new things she’s learned with the old......it feels reductive. (There could be so much more nuance here re: how living so long away from the Sevateem and having to defend her background so much on Gallifrey has affected her relationship with the culture and beliefs she grew up in, but Spirit has none of that.)

2. The mindswap’s lack of nuance

There’s a similar issue here with the mindswap, where Leela especially comes off as over-simplified. I don’t know if this was an acting choice or a directing choice, but the over-the-topness of Lalla’s performance during the mindswap really feeds that (the way Romana’s voice sounds so different when she’s “acting like Leela”, while Leela still sounds fundamentally like herself when she’s acting more like Romana — why the difference?). Also, Romana is a lot more helpless and distressed when she has part of Leela in her mind, which again, does not make Leela come off as especially competent (even though she is). There are times when this episode feels like it’s trying harder to put Romana and Leela into these boxes than it is at trying to break down those boxes and yeah, all around I wish there was more nuance.

3. The interrupting of the vacation date, damn it, do you think I care about a “plot”?

Alright, alright this one is not in the same category as the other two. It is absolutely not a valid criticism, it is purely the “I want this audio to cater to me, personally” part of my brain getting disappointed every time I relisten when Wynter crashes the vacation. Specifically, when they’re all alone in the woods together having important personal conversations and Leela’s decided that they’re camping out for the night....maybe I just wanted to hear the overnight camping trip, y’know. Maybe I just wanted them to cuddle beneath the stars. (Also this will come back big time next episode, but I very much back away from horror of Wynter’s mutilation, I am a squeamish person and the Wynter thing is not my favorite plot.)

Misc liveblogging things:

“I’m sorry I had to have you dragged here to my quarters. I have requested an audience with you several times on a matter of security but have received no answer.” — It’s unclear exactly how much time has passed between Lies and Spirit, but not too long(?) and Leela’s been trying to track down Andred a lot during this time (which means that once again, Romana’s specifically taking Leela away from looking for Andred....).

Leela scathingly calling Romana “Madam President” oof. (I think this moment may have been what I was thinking of re: Leela only uses Romana’s title when she’s annoyed or angry, will have to note if/when it happens again.)

“It is your world and not mine. Although I have lived here for many years it has never been my home. And I am unhappy.” I know I’ve said this before, but Leela’s concept of home is very much the people she cares about and hhhhh so many feelings about this throughout the series.

Oof Darkel’s got Romana pegged with the “how far will she go” thing.

Is Narvin......being nice re: Romana having a trying time? Or sarcastic? Or is he just like oh thank god she’s off the planet for a hot sec I can take a breath.

Brax saying it was him that recommended Romana leave and insisting they don’t talk about it — he’s sooo covering for her, but also I want to know how that convo went....how exactly did Romana explain the “I’m going to take Leela on a private vacation off-world for.....personal reasons.....please cover for me slash be my emergency contact” thing?

“So I can only conclude from your recent behavior that you’re experiencing a considerable amount of pain.” — I mean, Leela did explicitly say earlier that she was unhappy. Still, it is a really good moment here — Romana saying I see that you’re hurting and I want to help.

.......and that’s right before “valuable asset” line. You were doing so good, Romana. (She does say friend though! I mean, she says it like it’s an ordeal, but she does immediately course correct to admit that Leela’s her friend.) Also....I’m having some kinda thought here about the “asset” line — how she compliments Leela in terms of her usefulness is icky, but I think Romana often judges her own worth based off of how useful she is to Gallifrey? I think there are several moments throughout the series that point to Romana basing her worth as a person off of her work and how successful she is at protecting her world and making it better, which is just an overall unhealthy mindset to be in (and this says something about the toxicity of Gallifreyan culture possibly but also something about the lingering trauma of Etra Prime and living for decades in a place where her life itself (whether she survived) was directly tied to her usefulness...going to mull this over more, but I think there’s something here).

Hallan is so awful about Leela, and he goes on for a bit about how he should be watching the president at all times — aka there is definitely resentment within the Chancellery Guard towards Leela for taking the role of bodyguard to the president. And this is mixed in with nasty comments about Andred, former member of the Chancellery Guard, for marrying an alien.

“A marriage is about maintaining the power of the chapters, strengthening alliances between houses” — it is interesting how more than once in the audios they talk about marriage as primarily a political thing in Time Lord culture (at least among the elite), with love being an exception and something disapproved of.

The “Leela’s been on Gallifrey for twenty-five years” math......does not work. Between The Invasion of Time and the Gallifrey audios, Romana left Gallifrey, ended up traveling with the Doctor for a while, stayed behind in E-space for a while, returned from E-space to Gallifrey, became President, got captured by the Daleks and held prisoner for twenty years, and according to Square One I believe it’s been “years” since The Apocalypse Element.......and apparently only twenty-five years have passed on Gallifrey? Even if we pretend that no time passed on Gallifrey during Romana’s adventures with the Doctor and in E-space, that timeline is still questionable. Leela has to be on Gallifrey for a lot longer than that.

“I’ve searched for [my purpose] in many places.” — It’s interesting that Romana lists off the places she’s tried to find purpose, but doesn’t say anything at all about Gallifrey — Leela is the one to say that Romana has found her purpose on Gallifrey, Romana never actually says that. (I have...lot of feelings about Romana’s very complicated relationship to Gallifrey.)

Romana mentions Pandora predicting that she would rule over Gallifrey, and predicting that Romana would let that happen — Romana is worried about Pandora in particular, and also there’s the implication that she wants Leela to stay to help her hold onto herself and prevent that future.

Just ahhhh the scene by the fire where Leela decides, after avoiding too much discussion about what she’s feeling, to be emotionally honest: “It frightens me to think that I have spent so much of my life with another in a trust that I believed was true and strong, one that could not sicken, and that I was wrong.”; “You are my friend. I know that, for all we disagree on. And yet, if tomorrow you grew sick, you could throw off your form like an old sheet and be a person I would no longer recognize, not with my eyes nor with my heart.” It’s a good scene!!

The whole “who is the broken man?” mystery is good on first listen I suppose, but I’ve never quite bought that they can’t ID him. Can the Time Lords not do a quick DNA test or something? (To be fair, these are the same people who missed that Andred was impersonating someone else for months, but at least here they actively know that they need to be figuring out who he is.)

The herbal remedy — “The outsiders use it when in pain or distress.” Confirmation that Leela does hang out with the outsiders on Gallifrey.

“I’ve been inside these things I don’t know how many times and I assure you nothing could go wrong.” Post-Etra Prime Romana trying to get some sleep for once tbh (also okay she does have some healthy coping mechanisms apparently).

“It speaks to your innermost wishes and wonders and indulges them while you dream” “There is a wild woman inside me” I’m so sorry but did they really not intend to making the sensory tanks and mindswap sound incredibly erotic because

“It is winter here.” *eyebrow waggle*

I do not like hearing stabbing sounds! (Also apparently this season has a thing for Romana kinda sorta killing people with knives.)

Leela wakes up a bit later than Romana (she stays in the dream space longer), and she says she heard Pandora’s voice — Romana dismisses that, but I do wonder what exactly happened in the dreamspace after Romana woke and what additional things Leela might have heard/seen??

Hallan is so shitty, kick his ass Leela.

I do wonder why the subplot with Melyin and Hallan was included? Was it to introduce Hallan as a character and flesh out the side characters so we know them a bit better when they’re around with the Wynter subplot? (Personally, I don’t enjoy how earlier in the episode they keep cutting away from Romana and Leela’s really important and interesting conversation to those two sides characters, so I’m not sure they needed that storyline?) But there is this sort of interesting moment where Melyin talks about freeing herself from this place where she’s isolated and Leela sympathizes — and yet at the same time is choosing to go back to Gallifrey. There is potentially an interesting parallel here, but I’m not exactly sure what the parallel is supposed to be saying about Leela.

“And what about you? Back to Gallifrey and your husband?” “I am returning to Gallifrey, yes. It is not yet time for me to leave.” Leela expertly dodging mentioning Andred in her response or referring to him as her husband. Actually I kinda want to pay more attention to when she does or doesn’t refer to Andred as her husband. I’m pretty sure she calls him her husband after he dies because that is who she’s grieving, but in this episode she talks about wanting to confront him and hurt him or make peace with him, and in A Blind Eye she was all “my husband is dead” (and I think there are some things in Insurgency about this) —there is a question here about whether or not she still considers herself married to Andred at this point.

How did the knowledge of events get out on Gallifrey? Brax says if people were watching his movements closely it wouldn’t be hard to put things together — but also he probably knows that Romana needs to return for Gallifrey for events to play out, so it seems quite possible that he essentially leaked the info himself (knowing that the events of Pandora are coming....oof).

Leela talks about returning to Gallifrey avenge the broken man — in series 2 and 3, she frequently turns to vengeance as something to give her motivation and purpose when she’s unhappy and grieving, but I forgot it came up as early as Spirit ahhh yikes.

The (shippy) elephant in the room:

(Includes vague mentions of Time War 3.)

As a final thing, I do want to mention that while this episode has a reputation of being really gay (because yep it so so subtextually gay)....I do always remember that it is only subtext. Specifically in a “isn’t it interesting that other ships between main characters get clearly teased as romantic possibility, but when it’s the core relationship of the show that just so happens to be between two characters played by women, they would never explicitly hint that there might be anything romantic going on there” way. (For a long time, I tried to convince myself this didn’t bother me. It does.)

Like don’t get me wrong, I adore their friendship and I am very cool with their relationship being entirely platonic in the audios. However, my feelings are also very context-dependent, and the context is an audio drama series in which the only explicitly queer characters are side/minor characters who die horribly (and also only exist in the very recent releases). There are no canon f/f relationships or canonically queer women in the entire series (no, Leela/Veega doesn’t count, they were pretty explicit on that being not canon), in contrast with plenty of canon m/f relationships. This is also why I say that I’d be 100% unbothered if Gallifrey really was equal-opportunity devoid of romance (I really genuinely enjoy the friendship-centric narrative of this series, it’s so good) or even had significant canonically queer side characters, but when there’s such a pointed ignoring of any queer subtext and a general ‘would never ever make any main character canonically queer’ vibe throughout the whole series (I am looking at you Unity) it’s.....hmmm. It just doesn’t feel good, you know?

To end on a lighter (ish) note, going to talk about shippy things for a sec — so I have many headcanon universes that float around in my brain, but generally speaking when I’m writing Romana/Leela fic or thinking about the possibility of their relationship being romantic at some point, I tend to go for things happening between them later in the audios (ideally post-Enemy Lines), with the early series just being endless unresolved tension. But gosh there is a part of me that’s interested in the disaster universe where they do get romantically involved with each other post-Spirit (because as far as the early series go, it does feel like it has to be post-Spirit, when Leela does make the choice to stay with Romana/for Romana on Gallifrey) because oh god that’s so emotionally messy. (It’s only been six months and change since Leela’s husband first disappeared! We’re only two episodes away from Andred’s death! She’s not in a healthy emotional space to be doing this right now, and neither is Romana, frankly! Especially given what’s going to happen in the next several episodes.....but oof wow there’s certainly a story to explore there).

This was not a lighter note, I’m so sorry. Anyways, friendly reminder that I’m always down to go on and on about Romana/Leela, I have....so many feelings about them. Also if you’ve actually read through this entire post, wow and thank you??

Previous Episode Reaction: Lies

#gallifrey audios #romana #leela #(i will be honest i had large chunks of this written even before i relistened)#(what can i say i will take any and all opportunity to ramble on about these two)#also i think this reaction post deserves the #romana x leela #tag #the relisten of rassilon #ramblings #emily listens to big finish

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theatresteph · 5 years ago

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Is it healthy? Bellarke vs Clexa, as shown in 3x05 and 3x03

I was texting a friend about The 100 and Bellarke and Clexa, and basically I spiralled and wrote this whole thing by the end, so buckle up if you’re down 😂. And I’m going to make it clear now that, as much as I love discourse from different perspectives, I don’t tolerate rude comments, so be polite if you choose to respond. And it should go without saying that this post is Bellarke-biased, though my points are valid and true to canon.

This is a compare and contrast of two crucial scenes for Clexa and Bellarke, demonstrating how Clarke’s relationship with Bellamy is far more healthy than it ever was with Lexa. Through these essential scenes of character and relationship development, we can see the greatest example of the key difference between the relationships and why one is healthier for Clarke than the other.

(Pardon my essay-style tone here, I’ve been writing academic papers for over a week now and like the pattern)

And in case anyone chooses to bash this without even reading it, I’d like to make it clear that Clexa as a relationship did have it’s good moments and I talk about those as well.

When I compare what makes Bellarke healthy to what I think makes Clexa unhealthy (aside from A LOT of obvious things), I keep remembering 3x05.

Like Clexa in 3x03, they're at odds because of politics and Mt Weather and how this is the first time they've really spoken to each other since it happened. The most important similarity is that, in both conversations, a lot of blame is being placed on Clarke for Mt Weather, even though Lexa knows that it was her choice of accepting the deal that forced Clarke into that position, and Bellamy knows that every awful decision up-to and including pulling the lever (with his help) that he's throwing at her are choices that she didn't make lightly and that she made because she was pushed into the situation when all she wanted was a peaceful solution the entire time.

They both KNOW that she isn't entirely responsible for everything that happened, and they both know that she already blames herself, and adding to her pain by saying this to her isn't what she needs to forgive herself in the long run. But the difference? Lexa says it coldly and with extremely little emotion because, as she says, she needs something from Clarke, and reinforcing her guilt makes her want to continue being distant from her people and only be vulnerable with Lexa. And to be fair, I'm sure that some of this encouragement of her guilt was because she genuinely believed that it was in Clarke's interest to be harder and more Head like her, and it’s Lexa’s nature to be hard and extremely limited in expressing emotion, even to those she trusts, cares for and loves most, but it can't be forgotten that Lexa was actively hoping that Clarke would choose to stay with her in the tower, alone with her and distant from her people, helping in the war against Azgeda as a pawn. A powerful one, but still a minor player to serve Lexa.

But Bellamy... the difference is PROFOUND!

Everything he said to her, we know he didn't mean most of it, didn't want to add to her pain, but it was the explosion of everything he'd felt since they pulled the lever. He never got the chance to be angry with her about TonDC even though we know he understood why she did it, never got to tell her any of his feelings about the trauma of the mountain, and most of all, never got to work through pulling the lever because he couldn't do that without her, couldn't break down over it because he had to stay in Arkadia and take care of their people, like she asked him to, like he knew he had to because that's who he is. He couldn't do any of those things he needed to do desperately because she left him.

I'm positive he even hates himself inside for letting her go, for loving her so much that he, once again, disregarded his own wants and needs so that he could give her what she insisted she needed.

Loving her is why he let her go, why he didn't do everything he could to make her stay, or go with her, and when you add that anger and pain onto LITERALLY EVERYTHING ELSE, there came an inevitable point where he couldn't keep hiding it from her, and, like Octavia said later in the season, he was hurting and he lashed out, not just when he joined Pike after the Mt Weather bombing, but in this pivotal moment.

Honestly, the only way he held back in this scene was from outright saying "You were my partner, my best friend, the person I needed the most. I loved you, and YOU LEFT ME! I know why you did, and I couldn't bare to deny you what you needed, but what about what I needed, Clarke? I needed you, loved you, and you were gone. And for some fucked up reason, I STILL love you, but you don't get to come to me today and tell me what I need to do, or that YOU need ME, when you left me TWICE".

That’s where the original conversation ends about Bellarke. Using only these 2 scenes as a basis, it’s extremely obvious which relationship is healthier, but I’m not one of those people who watches scenes in isolation, and there are FAR more examples that exemplify why Clarke’s relationship with Bellamy has always been far more balanced than her relationship with Lexa, this is just the most crucial to me.

I can’t say that there is any period of Clexa’s relationship that I found healthy, because either there was a clear imbalance of power (most heavy in season 3 because Clarke is no longer the leader of Skaikru and staying in Polis to continue to run from her guilt and grief) or there’s a sense of manipulation or isolation in their interactions (e.g. TonDC). This is my opinion and I stand by it.

Every time I’ve rewatched the show in it’s entirety and their scenes in isolation, I can’t help but be bothered by the fact that so much (if not all) of their romantic moments occur when Clarke is feeling alone and distanced from her friends and family. I can’t emphasise enough how unhealthy and detrimental that is for Clarke! Loving someone just because no one else is able or willing to support you or relate to you is not indicative of a strong relationship.

I hated the master-student dynamic where Lexa was imparting her “wisdom” onto Clarke - the “love is weakness” bs being the most prevalent - because it elevates Lexa’s position while devaluing Clarke’s, as if she isn’t the most commanding person in all of Skaikru! This did change in the moment that is, in my opinion, the best of all Clexa scenes; the confrontation scene in 2x14. This is my favourite of their scenes together because it’s about Clarke reasserting herself and defending Octavia, her friend who, even though she just judged her for TonDC, she cares about and won’t let Lexa kill just because she is a risk to Lexa’s reputation. I love this scene because Clarke refuses to let Lexa dominate or coerce her to accept her position and calls her out on her facade of coldness. What makes this scene great is that it’s one of the few moments where I truly feel like Clarke is an equal in their relationship, and the fact that it doesn’t come off that way in most of their moments is telling of how lacking it is in balance.

I also have to point out that, in all of these moments except for when Clarke sends Bellamy into Mt Weather and chooses to stay in Polis (moments that feel more about Bellarke), Bellamy is absent, and not just that he’s not in the room, he’s actually well over a mile away, in a completely different place and position from her. One has to wonder whether this relationship would have been able to develop at all if Bellamy had been around to balance Clarke like he always does. I doubt it. Bellamy is canonically her best friend by the time she and Lexa meet, and yet this relationship happens during the times when he’s absent from her life, both times having pushed him away because either “love is weakness” or because she can’t face him while she’s in pain after Mt Weather. I said it before and I’ll say it again; a relationship that develops when you’re essentially isolated from your friends and family is unlikely to be a lasting one. I feel like I’ve made my point.

Now, I do want to state that the fact that I believe the relationship was mostly unhealthy does not mean that it had no value. On the contrary, it had a lot of value! Clarke learned a lot about herself and the kind of leader she wants to be, and Lexa was able to find love again after trauma convinced her that her feelings were dangerous and limiting. When they said goodbye and had sex in 3x07, they knew they were probably saying goodbye for good, and they accepted it and chose to make the most of it. I do love this moment too because it’s actually very healthy; they know they can’t stay together even though they both want to, and they know it’s because, even if they were living in peace, they would never be able to choose each other over their people as long as they’re leaders. What came after was poorly done, but this moment was touching and should be celebrated. They got to say goodbye, and I hate that Clarke immediately had to lose her and feel that significant trauma, but I’m glad that they also got to say goodbye one final time in the City of Light. This closure is comparatively much better than how her relationship with Finn ended, and I’m glad she got to have that, though I’m looking forward to her finally finding lasting love and happiness, and I do believe she will find that with Bellamy.

On that note, I believe I’m done. I can’t wait for season 7 to air in under a month! Bellarke endgame 2020!!!!

#bellarke #the 100 ships #analysis

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shortskirtsandsarcasm · 4 years ago

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Rereading Little Women as an Adult

Like plenty of other young girls on the verge of their first middle school dance, I read Little Women by Louisa May Alcott. It was a warm contrast to The Clique series and other young adult literature popular in the 2000s that centered on social snobbery and pettiness. The Little Women film (starring June Allyson) was also a staple in my house growing up, as I was not allowed to watch much mainstream media, most of all animated children’s films. However, none of the film adaptations ever gave me the same feeling I got from reading the book or made me want to give the book a reread. Until, of course, the newest version: Greta Gerwig’s 2019 adaptation. As most people read this story in childhood, I thought it would be interesting to reread Little Women as an adult and pitched the idea to my book club and it became our April read.

Rereading Little Women as an adult gave me a different perspective on the characters and the message Alcott was hoping to cultivate. Inadvertently, it was the perfect book to settle into at the beginning of the pandemic lockdown. The story and characters are heartwarming, wholesome, comforting during a pandemic where we all have to stay inside. In addition, the Marches’ story is one of survival. They are not wealthy and are living through the Civil War, already a time of financial difficulty and uncertainty. Their father, their only male family member, is away fighting for a good chunk of the story, and without him Marmee and the girls are vulnerable. The absence of March sons means that the girls have limited options for financial survival into adulthood. Meg worked as a governess before her marriage and Jo sells her short stories, but it is clear that neither is a long-term career with financial stability or independence. This societal and financial instability is parallel to the job-losses of the pandemic and

Amy has been much maligned as the worst March sister, but I heartily disagree. Amy is by far the best March. I blame the many movie adaptations for this portrayal. Amy is shown to be selfish and materialistic, which she definitely is, but no more than any other normal person is. Meg is just as selfish, but the movie adaptations do not explore it as much because she’s the oldest, and therefore a “second mother,” and cannot afford to indulge her petty luxuries. But reading the book, you can see that Meg likes to imagine herself as a martyr, and therefore keeps her selfish impulses to herself, lest she is seen as anything other than the perfect daughter (and later the perfect wife and the perfect mother). Amy’s contrast to the angelic Beth also makes her seem more selfish and nefarious than she really is. Beth clings to her image as a domestic angel on earth, even though she kills her bird by not feeding it for a week. With her painful shyness, exclusive love of the domestic, and dedication to good works, as evidenced by her many visits to the Hummel family, and her lack of ambition for literally anything, Beth slots into the Victorian ideal of the “angel in the house.” Her young death cements her status as a domestic martyr and helps to gloss over her lack of personality and that she killed her pet. Through her young marriage and motherhood, Meg can also be considered an “angel in the house,” but she will never reach Beth’s mythical perfection because she desires money and material comforts (what a bitch). Alcott sets Beth up to be The Best Sister™ but my hot take is that Beth is in fact, the worst character in the whole book. The most recent film adaptation is the only one, in my opinion, that does the character of Amy justice. We see her burn Jo’s collected fairy tales in a disproportionate childish rage, but we also see her calculate her family’s future and her important role in it, as the only one willing to “marry well.” The other films portray her strategic marriage designs as purely social climbing or gold-digging, but in Amy’s temporal context, there is not much she, or any of her sisters, can do to keep her family from going under financially, especially in the event of the death of her father. She has goals to be a great artist, but even if she did become one, it would realistically not pay the bills.

The two halves of Meg and Beth’s roles as “angels in the house” come together in Marmee, the mother of the March girls. She is more of a “mother” archetype than a real person. She always has the perfect lessons in wisdom at the right time and is simultaneously a gentle domestic goddess and an effective disciplinarian, even when her daughters are adults and no longer living at home. In the chapter “On the Shelf,” Marmee tells Meg that it is her fault that her husband spends all his evenings with his friend (and his friend’s young, childless wife) instead of with her and their children:

You have only made the mistake that most young wives make — forgotten your duty to your husband in your love for your children. A very natural and forgivable mistake, Meg, but one that had better be remedied before you take to different ways, for children should draw you nearer than ever, not separate you, as if they were all yours, and John had nothing to do but support them. I’ve seen it for some weeks, but have not spoken, feeling sure it would come right in time (322).

Marmee’s advice in this and all things always perpetuates the traditional gender norms that dictate that women should be quiet, gentle, and subservient, all while running an immaculate household. They should manage every situation and their husbands perfectly, but without ever letting their husbands feel managed, lest they should feel emasculated. The only advice that diverges from this is that Marmee tells Meg she should share childcare duties with her husband — a reasonable suggestion since they are his offspring as well. Marmee does limit these childcare duties to disciplining and teaching skills. Let’s not get crazy and ask John to change a diaper.

Someone in my book club pointed out that the messaging of Little Women seems particularly anti-feminist, even for the time it was published (1868) and I wish I had thought to say at the time that because this book was published in the United States, not Britain where I now live and attend book club meetings, the goalposts for what was “radical feminism” were very different. But of course, I did not think of this argument fast enough, and I will be bitter forever. If you look at the political debates — in the context of the pandemic or not — being held in the US vs the UK, you can see that much of American politics is deeply puritanical. It’s not surprising that these puritanical political ideals would be even more intense in 1868, especially since it was in the years directly following the American Civil War, a conflict about whether or not some people had a right not to be someone else’s property. The postwar political climate was all about the apportioning of rights to populations that previously had none or very few. It is certainly true that Little Women contains many outdated and problematic messages on gender roles and the meaning of womanhood, but it is important to remember that in the context of the experiences of white womanhood in the northern United States, Little Women was radical in its portrayal of young women and their individual approaches to domesticity. I enjoyed revisiting Little Women, but if I could expunge the memories of cringey middle school dances that came with it, I would.

#literature #books #book review #little women #louisa may alcott

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travllingbunny · 5 years ago

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The 100 (re-) rewatch: 4x12 The Chosen

4x12 The Chosen

While this is the only penultimate episode in the first 5 seasons that isn’t supposed to be the first part of a two-part finale, half of the episode (the storyline with Clarke, Bellamy and the rest of the team on the mission to fetch Raven) is practically Praimfaya, part 1, while the A storyline feels like the season 4 finale for everyone who is still in the bunker(Kane, Abby, Jaha, Octavia etc.), although she gets two more scenes at the start of 4x13, before that storyline gets a direct continuation in the flashbacks of 5x02, Red Queen.

This episode also feels like the culmination of Kane’s arc. After this, it seemed like the show didn’t really know what to do with him, except to make him a supporting player in the story of Abby’s downward spiral, which really begins here. (I do really like Kane’s final episode in season 6, though.) Jaha will get one last hurray in his important role in Red Queen, but after this, it feels like the leadership baton has really been passed to the younger generation.

My thoughts on the complicated grey moral issues from this episode and season 4 in general got too long when I finished writing them, so I’ve put them in this previous post.

Other thoughts on the episode are below.

This may be my favorite Abby moment in several seasons: going back on her previous statement that “Maybe there are no good guys” (from the season 2 finale) and telling Clarke that yes, there are good guys, and Clarke is one. She is a hero. It’s also a sign of the show starting to show that moral relativism of that kind is not its final statement on morality. Sadly, Clarke does not quite believe her (as we will see in 5x01, she still tends to think “There are no good guys”, and even after changing her mind and accepting Monty’s message to “Be good guys”, she still doubts in 6x02 that she is one of them – even hearing Abby in her mind, voicing Clarke’s own guilt and self-loathing, telling her she is not one of the good guys.) Instead, she is looking towards Bellamy – wondering if he will forgive her (which he does, just a few hours later) and needing to know if he also thinks that she is one of the good guys.

I’ve always thought that the moment in 4x11 when she aimed a gun at Bellamy and burst into tears as she realized she couldn’t do it, was what finally pushed Clarke to fully understand and admit to herself how she felt about him. When we see everyone at the start of 4x12, Bellamy is brooding and looking at no one, while Clarke is hyper-focused on him.

This is the last time Clarke and Niylah see each other before Praimfaya and the six-year time jump – and it’s a bit sad that Clarke doesn’t even seem to say goodbye to her, but – even though Clarke did care for her and has tried to make sure that she survives, Niylah has probably always known that she was not one of the people Clarke feels most strongly for. That was already obvious in 3x11, when Clarke was focused on Bellamy’s emotional state (even though she had learned Niylah had lost her father). Niylah was a good friend (with occasional benefits) who provided some comfort to Clarke when she was traumatized by Mount Weather and wanted to run away from everyone, when she was grieving for Lexa and when she was feeling the pressure of trying to find a solution to save the human race from the upcoming end of the world, but it was also a way for Clarke to avoid the potential pain of a relationship with someone she really loves. In any case, this short scene is where Clarke barely even sees Niylah or can’t pay attention to her because her focus is elsewhere - is very telling.

Later on, after Bellamy, Clarke and others leave, Octavia saves Niylah when she almost finds herself thrown out by both Grounders and Arkers – which makes her later devotion to Octavia perfectly understandable. Niylah’s laid-back, kind and empathetic nature (she doesn’t blame the Arkers who wanted her to throw her out for being a Grounder and points out it’s a result of people being afraid) seems like a perfect foil to Octavia’s anger. Unfortunately, as we saw in season 5, Niylah proved to be way too adoring of Octavia and unable to challenge her and help her moderate her actions.

During season 6, I’ve seen a comparison made between Abby bringing Kane back through bodysnatching to Kane saving Abby against her wishes in 4x12, but I don’t agree with that: it’s a very different thing to have to actively kill someone you love, and I think it was very unfair of Abby to ask that of Kane. She could have committed suicide instead, like Jasper did. She was not able to do the same herself – she smashed the radiation chamber in order not to risk Clarke’s life, she opened the bunker because she wasn’t able to let Kane die, so why did she expect him to be that strong, or that able to turn off his emotions, to actively kill the person he loves?

What in the world made Jaha think that Octavia would respond well to him, of all people, appealing to her loyalty to Arkers as “her people”? This is the second time in season 4 that a Blake sibling has called out one of the Ark leaders for what they did to them back on the Ark (after Bellamy told Kane “You floated my mother” in 4x07), and I really liked that. Forgiveness is nice, but it’s even nicer when people are not pretending that everything has been forgotten.

We’ve had so many instances of Bellamy saying “My sister, my responsibility”, and in season 5 we’ll get Octavia saying “My brother, my responsibility”, but here we get a unique version of that with her saying “My people, my responsibility”- in the same meaning that Bellamy said “My sister, my responsibility” in 5x08 after poisoning Octavia. Is this the first time she’s called Arkers “my people”? In any case, one noticeable change from seasons 1-3 Octavia is that, in season 4, she no longer says she is a Grounder –which used to annoy me every time, because it made no sense. It’s not like that’s a lifestyle and you choose it and just need to decide you’re a Grounder. By season 4, she seems to have realized that Grounders will always think of her as “Sky girl”, so she doesn’t feel that she belongs to the either group. Until she decides to make them all into one group, Wonkru. (Not that this will end “Us vs Them” divisions – because the Eligius prisoners will become “Them” in season 5!)

It’s not just Indra who’s had an “Enemies to Lovers” relationship with guns! Grounders have now raided the Arker supply to get the guns for the expected battle with them. OK, but how many of them have had even the basic training? We know some did in the camp in season 2. Have they been training the others? Has Indra? On the other hand, not all Arkers are guards or former guards, or Delinquents who needed to train in season 1, and everyone (except maybe Bryan) from the Farm Station is dead, so I don’t know how many Arkers are that good with guns, either, and having half of the numbers of the present Grounders (many – most? – of whom were probably warriors, knowing what Grounder culture values) sure wouldn’t have helped.

I don’t know if this is the first time Jaha has allowed someone (Kane) to change his mind, but it is sure a rare moment, whether he did it because he realized that the last remnants of the human race killing each other a day before the apocalypse was bad for the human race, or because he realized that Arker chances were not the best and that they could have all been killed.

This episode has obvious parallels and contrasts with 1x05 Twilight’s Last Gleaming, and it bookmarks Kane’s arc really well. Unlike the first culling, which Kane deeply regretted when he realized it wasn’t necessary, this one is, but few people are volunteering to die this time. One exception is David Miller, taking himself out of the lottery to give his son more chance to survive – another example of a parent sacrificing themselves for their child, which recalls Tor Lemkin’s sacrifice for his daughter.

In the end, Clarke’s list did end up being significant, but Kane and Jaha still would have a few spots to fill, since some of the people on the list were not there (Raven, Clarke, Bellamy) while Octavia did not count, but since Octavia left them with 99 spots, giving one to Niylah, that means they had 3 spots to fill with others. One of them was Miller (who did get chosen in the lottery) and I’m guessing that the other two were probably also lottery winners that Kane had already announced before the riot started.

The show was still trying to justify its name, with this storyline of having to choose 100 people to survive. Then it gave up in seasons 5-6.

By the end of season 4, and Murphy and Bellamy were still not friends, and Bellamy still didn’t trust Murphy and thought of him as someone who cares only for himself. Clarke had, by that time, spent more time around Murphy post-season 2 and gotten to know him better, and be aware of his love for Emori. But Murphy’s change has been about having someone he loves, and starting to care for his friends – it’s never been about starting to care about general morality or the lives of random people he doesn’t know. He’s never been that guy, so his season 6 arc of wanting to become a bodysnatching Prime wasn’t really a big surprise.

(Interesting how we see characters say this line to or about someone they love._

Murphy was never troubled with ethical dilemmas of whether to sacrifice someone he loves to save a greater number of people, which also means he is really not troubled by the hypocrisy of being angry whenever he or Emori seem deemed disposable, while he’s at the same time treating many other people as disposable. For instance, in 4x08, he was very much in favor of testing someone for Nightblood, pointing out that it can save them all, and even admired Emori for getting that random thief to get tested instead of (potentially her) – and only became upset and angry when it was his girlfriend who was going to be tested. This time, he sounds points to Bellamy that he “killed them” (him and Emori) by opening the bunker, since they have no chance of having a seat saved for them. True enough, but what did he expect? That Bellamy would let his sister die to save him and Emori a spot in the bunker?

The reason Bellamy forgives Clarke pretty quickly after she tells him she’s sorry, is because he completely understands where she’s coming from. And he knows he means to her a lot. Just like he understood her motives in season 5, because he had been there himself – but what upset him in S5 was that he started to think she didn’t care about him. Which is why he immediately forgave her when he realized how wrong he was about that. Bellamy and Clarke can quickly forgive each other because they understand each other better than anyone and can empathize with the tough decisions they have to make.

In this episode, they go back and forth, discussing that issue, whether to try to potentially save everyone, or to save a close friend who would definitely die otherwise. First it was Bellamy calling out Clarke on having been willing to leave Raven out of the bunker to die. Later, Bellamy is the one to bring up saving everyone - suggesting that, if Nighblood works, they should go back so Abby could make everyone Nightbloods; and it’s Clarke who retorts that it would mean that can’t save Raven. (I don’t like when people exaggerate the whole “Head and Heart” thing to the point that they try to make it look like Clarke is always driven by logic and Bellamy by emotion. It is much more complicated than that.) But I don’t know how I’d feel if it turned out that they wasted a chance to save hundreds of people in order to save their friend. This is not the case though, because, as Clarke points out, it’s too late to see Nightblood tested – as it would take days – and they couldn’t even convince people to let them in the bunker if she was sick, let alone start making people Nightbloods based on that.

If Monty and Harper hadn’t come to save the group when they had lost their car, and instead had gone straight to Polis, would they have been left outside of the bunker?

One of the rare interactions between Clarke and Echo happen when Echo tells Clarke: “I was just trying to save my people. Was that so bad?”, and Clarke obviously empathizes with her. Clarke has constantly shown the ability to empathize with people, even her enemies.

On the other hand, when it turns out that Emori’s suit has been torn a bit and she’s starting to get radiation poisoning, Murphy’s first instinct is to suggest to take Echo’s suit by force, and he points out that she had followed them and saved them just out of self-interest. Which is true, though I don’t think Murphy is right that Echo would’ve attacked them. That wouldn’t have helped her. I think she was waiting for a chance to prove herself useful, make them owe her, so they would let her in the lighthouse bunker, exactly as she told them. Quid pro quo. But the same is true of Murphy and Emori – they are also there on the mission because they want to ensure their own survival, so it’s interesting that Murphy – who tends to sees the worst in people – blames Echo for the same things he’s himself guilty of.

I remember someone arguing that Clarke didn’t sacrifice herself for her friends in 4x13, because she would have died anyway if he didn’t align the satellite dish. True, she would have, but let’s note the fact that Clarke had a guaranteed spot in the bunker and was going to be safe, if she hadn’t gone on the mission to save Raven.

Let’s also note the fact that Clarke gave her helmet to Emori, risking her life again (since she did not know if the Nightblood solution worked), saving both Emori and potentially Echo. Maybe Murphy, too, since I don’t see Echo just going down lightly and letting him take her helmet off. This is the second time she’s risked her life to save Emori’s, a fact that *cough* certain people tend to forget.

Let’s also note the fact that it was Clarke’s idea that they go to the Ring.

Timeline: This episode begins 23 hours before the death wave is to hit Polis, at least according to the characters’ calculations (though those have proven to be unreliable throughout season 4, as the death wave proven to be much faster than anticipated). It’s mentioned that the team going to retrieve Raven will need 10 hours to Becca’s lab on the science island. However, they lost a lot of time because of the attack, losing the car, problems with anti-radiation helmets, before meeting up with Monty and Harper and getting another mode of transport. By the end of this episode, they have arrived to Becca’s lab, and by that time, the death wave has already hit Arkadia, though that’s unimportant as everyone who was there was already dead or had left.

My re-rewatch has also helped me figure out the timeline of season 4 more precisely. At the beginning of 4x04, Roan says it has been 3 weeks since they made the alliance (which means, 3 weeks since 4x01). Since 4x02 was set 9 days since Clarke destroyed the City of Light, this means that these were rare moments when some time passed between episodes: 8-9 days between 4x01 and 4x02, and additional 10-12 days spent in doing repairs on Arkadia, before, during and after 4x03. But since 4x04, things have been happening very quickly: 4x05 started soon after 4x04 (the period of time Octavia needed to reach Arkadia after Ilian found her, and less than the Azgeda army needed to march to Arkadia from Polis), 4x06 on the next morning, and Clarke was already in the lab in 4x07, making it all just a couple of days. And in 4x07, the characters said the death wave was coming in 10 days. So, the entirety of season 4 lasted just a little over a month (and seasons 1-4, minus the last few minutes of the season 4 finale – a little over 6 and a half months). Not only was ALIE wrong when she thought Praimfaya was coming in 6 months, but Raven’s assessment, made 9 days later, that it was coming in “2 months or less” was not entirely wrong only because it turned out to be less – half of that time.

Body count: Several desperate Grounders who were trying to steal the anti-radiation suits. (What were their further plans, if any? Where did they intend to find shelter during Praimfaya?) One of them practically threw himself in front of the car and was over by Bellamy. “As if he wanted to die”, Clarke said – and he probably did. I can see why a quick death by your own choice and helping your friends would be preferable to a horrific death in a death wave or slowly from radiation. The seven others were killed - six by Echo, one by Bellamy.

Hundreds of other people, including over 300 Arkers, were left outside of the bunker, so while they did not die in this episode, they were practically left for dead, which makes this episode one of the most heartbreaking ones. At least one of them chose it – David Miller, who gave his lottery spot to his son Nathan, in another case of a parent sacrificing themselves to give a chance to their child (which reminds me of the first culling and Tor Lemkin). Ethan’s father (the same guy who was giving speeches against Ilian in 4x06 and who now started the riot with Jaha) is certainly among those who were left outside, asking Jaha to take care of his son. Which we will, but not for long, as Jaha himself would die not long after, during Kara Cooper’s rebellion. Cooper’s husband was also among those left outside, while she was presumably counted as essential personnel.

Rating: 10/10

#the 100 #the 100 rewatch #the 100 4x12 #the chosen #the 100 season 4 #clarke griffin #bellamy blake #john murphy #octavia blake #thelonius jaha #abby griffin #marcus kane #the 100 re-rewatch #the 100 timeline

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medschoolash · 5 years ago

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Now that i’ve seen the end and had a chance to really marinate on the saga as a whole I don’t think I was ever the type of Star Wars fan who would be satisfied with what most people view as the main draw to star wars. So I don’t think Star Wars was ever truly for someone like me.

I was never that hard into the OT. I’ve seen them all and I enjoy the films but they don’t really deeply resonate with me. I don’t know if it’s because I wasn’t born when they were created or if it’s because they just weren’t made with a fan like me in mind but the OT isn’t some reverent untouchable piece of fiction for me. I more so connected with characters vs that actual film. I adored Luke and Leia, I adored the concept of a fierce princess and rebellion leader and these two siblings connected by so much tragedy and love. That’s the lasting legacy of the OT for me.

I’m actually one of those Star Wars fans who adore the prequel films more than the OT. I only watched because I had a crush on Hayden Christensen and it was star wars so how could I not watch and I really really loved those films. I loved Padme, I found Anakin so compelling because I already knew how his story ended but watching how he got there was a good movie experience for me. I adored the themes of Love, fear, friendship, and the exploration of the force. One of my favorite things about the prequels was how it toyed with the idea that the ideas of Jedi are not infallible and pure ideas and how their ideology can create a monster just as much as the ideology of the sith even if it’s in a completely different way. It was compelling to watch Anakin struggle with his love for Padme that is forbidden by the Jedi and how that ban on attachment is what ultimately started to push Anakin over to the dark side because what human being truly wants to live with no love, no real relationships? I loved the politics of the prequels which entertained me for more than the daily adventures of the OT and the prequels. The political landscape in the galaxy and how it allowed someone like the emperor to rise to power was so compelling. It was also so compelling to watch these powerful Jedi be completely powerless to stop these political machinations. I love that Padme was a fierce leader and that she was one of the most sensible and powerful people in the prequel trilogy despite having no force sensitivity. Her love for Anakin was so strong just like her love for her people. She’s literally only a young woman in the films but she can see the democracy they have established crumbling in front of her and she’s one of the few who has the guts to acknowledge it. She believed in the love of her life but even when he turned down a path she didn’t agree with she held strong to her morals. That took so much strength when you see all you’ve worked for crumbling to the ground and the man you love falling apart along with it and he’s not even just the man that you love he’s literally your husband and the father of your unborn children. It was painful to watch but Padme knew what she stood for and not even Anakin could change that.

Those are the themes and nuances I loved about star wars. Not the fun battles and action scenes, the endless adventures, the cool displays of the forces. I got sucked in by the themes of the force, not the power, by the character dynamics, and the themes that were explored through those dynamics. I liked the OT trio because of the themes of friendship and love and how they all are different from each other but fit, not because I like seeing three cool characters go off on adventures together to defeat the bad guys. I guess for me Star Wars was never just about fun action-packed adventure even if that aspect was enjoyable to see on screen. Without the character relationships and depth, without the exploration of relatable themes that weave together into a narrative beautifully and in a compelling way these films are just shallow spectacles.

When the Sequal trilogy was announced I wasn’t immediately deeply excited about it. I didn’t even see the force awakens in theaters. I watched it months later when I was bored one day and I’m glad I did because what I saw was so interesting and exciting and it inspired me to really get into a whole new generation of Star Wars film. A modernized Star Wars sounded amazing and the prospects after TFA seemed endless. But even with the ST what drew me wasn’t what drew a lot of people. I didn’t really care about seeing Luke, Leia, and Han again just for the thrill of seeing them. I cared about being able to see the original heros because they were weaved into a story where they have a fallen son, a fallen son who just so happened to be the most interesting new character in the films. Kylo Ren/Ben Solo was such a mystery when he first came on screen and then he proceeded to be the only character really explored on a deeper psychological level in the film which made him the most compelling as well. I was so shocked when it was revealed he was Han and Leia’s son but I loved the reveal because of the themes it explored. How the weight of legacy is contemplated, how the failures of parenting are explored, how relentless love for a child is demonstrated. My favorite theme was also how failure was introduced. How the Jedi were not a myth that some people barely even believed truly existed, how all that the original heroes worked for somehow crumbled and even took one of their own with it. That was interesting to me, that was the thing that made me want to see more.

And then there was Rey, this nobody from nowhere who had all this power and years worth of baggage due to abandonment and isolation. Using her to explore another side of family, the theme of absent family and absent purpose and legacy directly contrasted with the way family, legacy, and purpose were explored with Kylo and it made for such a rich narrative which is why the idea of them coming together, the idea of them being the missing piece of the puzzle for each other made so much sense and felt so compelling.

Even with Finn, we got an interesting perspective of someone who was conditioned to be in the FO from birth and someone managed to break free to live on their own. I loved how they explored how you don’t really have your own identity after an experience like that so you latch on to the only things you know like fear and self-preservation. It was a perspective that was new and fresh for star wars. After TFA everything felt new and fresh and inspiring.

Then TLJ happened and it did so many good things on a narrative level that the entire scope of Star Wars was expanded in new and interesting ways. The way it truly explored the failures of the Jedi. The way it showed a broken hero grappling with his biggest failures and feelings powerless to fix then so only shame and guilt exist. The way it explored the idea that the people we love are never really gone and love can bring even the most broken of us back. The way is even dissected the black and white dichotomy and suggested that the true solution was something in between. The way it explored how two completely different people from two completely backgrounds can both feel alone and connect with each other. The way is pretty much shot down the idea that a hero is only bravado and brash behavior, and charm mixed with the desire to do good but true heroes are those who make sacrifices, those who listen, those who think bigger picture instead of small victories. I love the idea that heroes aren’t just a great speech with an improbable plan but the heart to make people believe in it, but instead, they can be mild-tempered women who are short on encouraging speech but are big on plans that will save them all, people who know that doing the obvious and taking a big risk isn’t always what counts as heroics.

TLJ also even expanded the mythology of the force in a way that made it more than just a cool supernatural thing to talk about with friends. I loved how the force was once again talked about as a thing that can exist in all living people. How it gave the force space to exist outside of the skywalkers and any huge legacy at all. I mean that moment where the little slave child is shown to be force sensitive was such an amazing moment because it made you dream of all the other people out there who might be the same, the other nobodies and forgotten people like Rey who hold this great power that can save the galaxy. It made the legacy of our favorite original heroes and characters so much bigger than was it was before, so much more meaningful and it was exciting and fresh and new and IMO paid homage to the themes and concepts that George Lucas originally established in an amazing way.

But quickly I learned that this wasn’t what a lot of Star Wars fans wanted to see or cared about. They wanted more action, not family names, more force powers, more badass moments from their favorite old characters, more shallow evil villains, more boom bang, more trio adventures just for the sake of having adventures and TROS has really highlighted this because most of the people who say they enjoyed it only say “it was so fun!” “it was so cool to see X old character!” “the trio got to go on adventures!” “the good guys won!” “The Jedi was right!” “wow, this person was related to this person!” . None of the stuff that seemed to matter to a fan like me even registered for a lot of people and none of the creators seemed to care about making it matter. I didn’t come for the action, I didn’t come for nostalgia, I didn’t come for adventure, I didn’t come to hear old last names, and see old faces. I came for characters and themes, and relationship dynamics, and exploration of belief systems and people how they fail or succeed, I came to see the force finally explained for what it truly is instead of having it confined to bloodlines. I came to see how a new generation of people, some with a great family legacy before then and some with no legacy at all can come together build a new legacy and a new world for themselves and the galaxy out of the ashes of all that came before them and I feel like with the final film I’ve finally realized that what I came for was never what this was meant to be and that realization is both freeing and disheartening.

#star wars #the rise of skywalker #reylo #star wars commentary #kylo ren

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touchmycoat · 5 years ago

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you said hot doctors au with marco/sabo/law and talked about how Marco wouldn't fit the usual medical kink role because he isn't the type to have a god complex and all i immediately thought about the delicious contrast between marco and law (who i definitely see having a god complex). sharing my thoughts with you to thank you for driving me crazy :)

you’re welcome i have way too much on my writing docket to make this happen properly rn argh but yes?? hello??? this is it??

God Complex vs. Martyr Complex. Like, the things that they get off on the most are just on the opposite sides of the spectrum. For now, I’m entertaining the idea that they really just can’t turn their respective Things on for one another. Like, sure, a man who will happily take his knife? Sign Law the fuck up! …Except this was Marco, a colleague whom Law actually does respect ‘cause competence is great, and just on the basis of that Law has a hard time indulging that sort of scene. And on the flip side, someone who should happily cut him down and open? Marco’s all about that. Except same problem. Unless they find something genuinely spicy about each other, they’re p much just amiable colleagues who are eyes emoji at one another sometimes but no catalyst.

…And then enter catalyst. Sabo has, y’know, all sorts of potential ways to connect with Marco (take your pick; it’s 8AM i’m not ready to be sad about Ace yet). So maybe Sabo used to be a patient, a long time ago. They got along great (if a patient cracking open Marco’s bedside manners to reveal the darkest banter underneath could be called great), but obviously Sabo peaced out. Years later, maybe they meet at a bar, reconnected (because Marco never forgets a patient and Sabo’s pleasantly surprised to have not been forgotten).

So they start dating. But uh oh, one potential snafu, and Sabo has to go in for some sort of specialized check-up. I haven’t thought about medical specialties yet, but anyways, Sabo has to see Law. They get along great as well (their bitching match), and Law has everything pinging everywhere except obviously this is a patient. Oh and that’s definitely Dr. Marco strolling in looking embarrassed about Sabo’s PDA—the PDA that was most definitely put on for Law’s benefit, but not in a “back off I have a man” way, more in a “look what I can do, look what we can do” way that got Law all considering…

(Both Sabo & Marco are poly so we’re just havin’ fun. Put in some lag in communication though for optional angst.)

But Sabo can flirt all he wants; as long as he’s a patient it’s never going to happen. However, Law can certainly turn all his, hm, curiosity onto Marco. Turns from more-or-less polite “oh i’m sorry about that” “don’t worry about it it’s fine,” to, “dating an ex-patient hm? that’s interesting,” to, “so do you like it when your boyfriend flirts with other doctors or is that just for him?” Maybe not in the same conversation, but Law’s sensed that blood in the water now. He’s seen the way Sabo could get under Marco’s skin and, call it what you want (a god complex isn’t off the mark) but Law kind of wants to try his hand at it too.

As for Marco… That moment of possibility between him and Law can only spark if he lets it, right? He can certainly go cold and proper, tell Law all those comments are perfectly unprofessional, and they’re not things that truly bother him so Law can fuck off. But. But. There was something in Law’s examination room that day, a specific frequency that Law and Sabo fell into, that really piqued Marco’s interests. Sabo loves teasing and chipping and digging his fingers into cracks until everything came apart, and Law was ready to let Sabo open him up but in a way that dared Sabo to fucking find out what’s underneath. And there’s always been something in Law’s manners, the cool clip of his tone, that Marco hardcore respected in a surgeon (okay Law’s a surgeon) and knew Sabo would be all about…

So Marco doesn’t shut it down. Instead, he… suggests. It wasn’t my idea yoi, but to use his words, ‘once you get naked under a man’s cold stethoscope you never go back’ and, Flirting? Sabo? Well he does like to provoke. Don’t mind it too much hm? He’s just like that.

Which all, of course, just get Law more fired up; he’s tantalized, he’s challenged… Finally, whatever Sabo went into the hospital for is all cleared up, nothing’s serious, they can get the show on the road. I’m thinking there’s an international conference or something, and Marco brings Sabo. They’re all outside their regular space, and the possibilities seem endless. Law is lying in wait at the lobby bar, just kicked back and chilling with a drink. Sees Marco & Sabo come through from some romantic dinner or some shit, and gives them a look. Sabo looks smug and goes for the elevator. Marco smirks too, and beckons Law over with a nod of his head.

The things Marco & Law do can be very similar on the surface, but they have wildly different motivations. Sabo learns as much that night. He’s used to having to egg Marco on, pinch and pull for a while until he can finally get Marco to snap—but Marco’s ultimately about service. The way he snaps is still utterly wrapped in “ah, alright, so this is what I can do for you.” And that’s fucking lovely! Sabo doesn’t want gentle by any stretch of the imagination, but he could take… tender. He could take the aftercare, he could take the way Marco had to heavily research things to do to Sabo. Sabo even appreciates it. Like, that’s love, baby.

But Law. Motherfucking Law is the truest sadist Sabo’s ever got to encounter. It’s thrilling, all the shit he can think up to incite, at first, discomfort. This position or, hold it there and keep still and, if you mess this up we’ll have to start over, won’t we. Law’s demand of perfect performance and all the tests designed for Sabo to fail. Sabo fucking loves it, loves all the cards being stacked against him like that and just made to work but getting continually put in his place by a continually unimpressed Law and—

Marco loves it too. He puts on a damn good show for Sabo but it’s also great to see Sabo having the time of his life here. And then—so Sabo can brat it up at Marco all he wants, and Marco will respond with varying degrees of indulgence. But the moment Law baits him? That’s a challenge. That’s Law trying to take total control of the scene and Marco knew better than to let him. Watch that initial respect for another doctor transmute into disdain (for this scene); what kind of god does Law think he is, Marco’s perfectly competent, has been perfectly competent at pleasing Sabo and now Law thinks he can just saunter in and—?

Not so above it all, are you? Law says as they just, double-team Sabo I guess. Law’s sadism is all sharp stings, but Marco’s caresses are a different kind of sadistic, at least for Sabo, who hates gentle, who grits his teeth and grins at pain but really might cry at gentle.

(and that’s for other hot doctors!AU anon, brb…..)

#anon #this is so gaaaaahh #i'm glad hot doctors AU piquing everybody's interests #marco #sabo #trafalgar law #rated m under cut #i also love thinking about how marco can't indulge a medical kink while law 100% can #yeah for sure he'll play the unscrupulous doctor #he'll tell you to bend over and spread and clinically work you open 'til you cry #ahem anyways

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dogbearinggifts · 5 years ago

Text

“Dad Sent Me to the Moon” vs. “Because Dad Made Me”

How Luther and Vanya Talk About Trauma, Part Three

Before I begin my analysis of Episode 4, I feel I should warn you: I kinda break my own rule here. Namely, I said in the beginning that I would compare Luther’s mentions of his time on the Moon to Vanya’s mentions of her exclusion, and sort of implied I’d leave it at that. But after seeing how Luther approaches his own forcible mutation, and thinking on it for a while, I concluded that I can’t limit Luther’s trauma mentions to the Moon. The moment where Reginald mutates him without his consent and leaves him alone to adjust is too pivotal for his character, the way he talks about it reveals a lot about how he regards his own trauma in general, and it actually sets up an interesting contrast for how he addresses his time on the Moon after the big reveal in Episode 6.

So, from now on, if Luther or another character brings up his mutation, I’ll include it in my trauma counts. If it turns out I’d forgotten about another trauma Vanya addresses later in the series, I’ll add that one in too.

Part One

Part Two

Episode 4: Man on the Moon

The first trauma mention in this episode is brief, and it comes while Vanya is walking with Leonard to rehearsal.

Leonard: You’re doing it again. Vanya: Force of habit. It’s just—when I was a kid, I felt like I had to apologize for even breathing. Leonard: Tell me about it. I don’t think my dad ever forgave me for being born.

Once again, we see Vanya bringing up her own trauma. Although this mention is more appropriate to the conversation at hand, its presence reveals a lot about how Vanya approaches her painful childhood.

First of all, we see her, once again, using it to explain her own behavior. Why does she apologize all the time? Because when she was a kid, she felt like she had to apologize for her own existence. She was made to feel guilty for taking up space in a house filled with young demigods, and that habit has followed her into adulthood.

However, this also shows the progress she’s made in processing her own trauma: She is able to connect her present behavior to her past scars, and she understands how the latter influences the former. Even without her offer to Five to recommend a therapist she’d seen, this remark would be enough of a hint for viewers to surmise she had either seen a therapist or read some quality self-help books. That therapist, whoever she was, helped Vanya untangle some of her childhood and get a clearer idea of why she approaches relationships the way she does. It’s unclear whether Vanya always understood (on some level) that the abuse was not her fault, or if the therapist she saw helped her see that, but either way, the result is the same: Vanya knows that what happened to her was not her fault, and that influences the way she talks about it.

But most of all, this snippet shows just how readily Vanya addresses her own trauma. She’s not shy about bringing it into a conversation—and not always as a swipe at her sister. Here, she’s not trying to remind Leonard that he was shitty to her in the past; she’s simply telling him what she knows about herself so he can understand her better. And Leonard brings up a bit about his own painful childhood, so they commiserate. This isn’t a bad thing, in the real world. Trauma and abuse survivors often benefit greatly from sharing their experiences and learning that they’re not alone. The fact Vanya feels comfortable addressing her trauma with someone she trusts is not in itself bad. The fact she’s chosen to trust a manipulative pile of walking garbage with a face is.

************

Shortly thereafter, Allison wakes Luther to show him what happened to Grace. Luther’s reaction is, to put it lightly, subdued—he shows little emotion and his statements are matter-of-fact.

Allison: Poor Diego. I mean, this is gonna be so hard on him. Luther: It’s hard on all of us. Allison: Luther? Are you okay? I mean, you know you can talk to me. Luther: I don’t want to discuss it. Allison: Hey, no. Don’t do that. Don’t shut me out. When I left, you were still… I mean, what…what happened? Luther: Dad sent me on a mission. And it went…badly. I almost died. He saved my life. Allison: Why didn’t you tell me? I could’ve helped you through it. Luther: I was fine. All right? I am fine. I don’t need any help. Allison: People are attacking our family. I mean, come on. Talk to me. Luther: I can’t. I…please. Just leave me alone.

Here we see the first onscreen mention of Luther’s mutation, and—as with the first onscreen mention of his time on the Moon—it is Allison who brings it up first. And in a similar vein, Luther’s answers are brief, although with the Moon, Luther waxed poetic about the sunrise and his “world turning to white glass.” His answers here, in contrast, could almost be considered bare-minimum sort of answers—he’s saying as little as he can while still answering the question.

It’s clear that Allison is trying to help. Luther gave her space to talk about her power abuse before; now she is giving him space to talk about his mutation. And he rejects the invitation. She accepted his help prior to this; now he’s saying “I don’t need any help. I’m fine.” And it would be easy to dismiss this exchange as Luther not wanting to appear weak, or as him not caring about what happened to him—but both of those assumptions would be off the mark.

We learn later that Reginald considered Luther’s mutation a failure on his part. It was an emergency procedure undertaken to pull Luther back from the brink of death, and at the time Reginald likely had no idea what all of the side effects would be. He only learned the hard way, once Luther awoke to find his body was, for all intents and purposes, gone and replaced with a new one. And don’t think I’m defending Reginald here; if he had no idea what would happen, staying with his son until he awoke, ensuring he had someone there to explain it to him and keep him from panic, was the very least he could do, and he didn’t even do that much.

Now, imagine what the recovery must have been like for Luther. The procedure would’ve been explained to him at some point—maybe by Reginald, maybe by Grace or Pogo—but he knows why he looks the way he does, so he must have heard it from someone. He knows it was necessary to save his life. He knows he’d be dead if it hadn’t happened. But if Reginald considered it a failure, how did that impact his relationship with Luther? Did he never look at his son again without disappointment filling his eyes? Did he simply avoid Luther from that point on, refusing to look at the reminder of how badly he’d miscalculated on that serum? Did he send Luther on mission after mission just to get him out of the house, or did he sequester him away from the world, barking orders to get back to training every time Luther crossed his path? Is he the one who told Luther to hide his body beneath that overcoat, or did Luther choose it himself in response to the shame his Dad taught him to feel?

Grace and Pogo wouldn’t have been abusive toward Luther, true. But they wouldn’t have been supportive, either. Judging by an earlier conversation with Diego, it seems Grace’s programming will not allow her to speak badly of Reginald, and Pogo is always careful to avoid saying anything that might be construed as ingratitude. Grace would have gone on treating Luther the way she always had, and Pogo would probably have done much the same, but neither would have been available if he needed to vent. Neither would have listened if he’d needed to cry, or scream, or shout obscenities at his dad. They could have given him a refuge from Reginald’s shame and abuse, but they couldn’t have given him what he really needed: someone to say “Holy shit, Luther, that’s fucked up. You don’t deserve all that.”

With all that in mind, it’s no wonder he is, to borrow Allison’s words, shutting her out. It’s the only way he knows to deal with that trauma. Just shut it out and keep going. But I’d like to note exactly what he says there: “I can’t.”

This line, to me, shows two things: self-awareness and an acknowledgment of past attempts to come to terms. He’s had time to go over what was done to him—several years, in fact—and it seems he’s tried to find some sort of closure. But he never could. He was never given the tools to do so, because the one tool he needed—an acknowledgement that his dad was abusive—was always withheld from him. His emotions are a jumble of internalized shame and anger and self-loathing and resentment and gratitude, but he can’t untangle the knot and every attempt just leaves him in more pain than he was before. So he leaves the knot alone. It’s not a good solution by any stretch, but it’s all he has.

***********

Not too long later, we see a very different reaction to Luther’s mutation, when Luther is going through Five’s room in search of clues and Diego happens by. I apologize for the length of this quote, but I don’t think a shorter one conveys everything worth discussing here.

Luther: Do you know about Mom? Diego: Well, looks like you got what you wanted. One way or another, right? Luther: Want to tell me what you’re doing here? Diego: Looking for Five. Luther: Oh, and let me guess, you’re gonna save the day. Diego: It’s what I do. Asshole. Luther: Really? Last I checked, you mopped floors. Diego: And what do you do? Sit on the Moon, for four years, waiting for orders? Pogo: Boys! This won’t help us find Five! Diego: Keep on being a loyal soldier? After everything our father did to you? Luther: You mean save my life? Diego: No, I mean….turn you into a monster. Luther pauses a few seconds, then drives his fist through the wall near Diego’s head. Diego: Can’t hide it anymore, champ. Luther: He had a difficult decision to make and he made it. Diego: Grow up, Luther, we’re not thirteen anymore. Luther: That’s what leaders do, by the way. Diego: He sent you on that mission all alone. Almost got you killed. Luther: Yeah, well, at least he was there. Where were you? You and everyone else in this family? You walked out. Diego: And thank Christ that I did, or I would’ve ended up just like you. Pause Let me ask you a question. When you watch one of those nature shows…does it turn you on?

If you want to, you can look at this conversation as both a response to Diego’s trauma and a mention of Luther’s, but the mention of Diego’s trauma is so brief and the subject changes so quickly that I won’t count it. However, I will note that the argument begins with a simple, non-accusatory question from Luther: He wants to know if Diego heard the bad news about Grace. That’s all he asks, but Diego turns it into a dig at Luther, which prompts the argument.

Now, I apologize ahead of time if I get off-topic for a minute, but this scene is one of the most cannibalized in the fandom. Those who dislike Luther to begin with cherry-pick his worst moments—mocking Diego for mopping floors, punching through the wall—and pass them around as if they are things Luther did entirely unprovoked because he’s that much of an asshole. But that is not what happens here. The scene begins with Diego twisting a simple inquiry into a swipe at Luther—for no real reason I can see, aside from Diego’s unresolved anger toward the rivalry Reginald introduced to their relationship—and escalates into an argument when Diego deliberately tries to enrage Luther.

Knowing Diego, and knowing what he says of Reginald before and after this argument, it’s clear that his digs at Luther have a purpose: He wants Luther angry not at him, but at Reginald. He wants Luther to see that Reginald was the villain and get him to place the blame for his problems where it belongs. But the end does not, in any way, justify the means Diego chooses to employ.

Think about how little Luther says to Allison regarding his mutation. “Dad sent me on a mission. And it went badly. I almost died. He saved my life.” How he tells her not just that he doesn’t want to talk about it, but that he can’t. Think back to the lengths he went to in order to hide it. Unless Reginald kept the Academy at a temperature more suited for snowmen than for people, it can’t be comfortable to wear that overcoat indoors all the time. Think about the way he stared at his body in the mirror, as if it were an unwanted stranger. Luther might have come to accept accept his body on the most basic “I’m stuck this way so there’s no point trying to change it” level, but he certainly is not okay with it.

So what does Diego resort to in order to get a rise out of him? Body-shaming.

I don't think it’s possible to overstate how devastating this is for Luther. If you watch this scene again, pay attention to his expressions. He’s angry, yes, but he’s also hurt. Diego has found his sore spot and is stabbing at it repeatedly—similar to the way Leonard later tries to enrage Vanya with chants of “Ordinary! Less than ordinary! Not special!” And just as the attack on Vanya comes from a man she thought she trusted and loved, the attack on Luther comes from his own brother. It’s not just devastation Luther is feeling; it’s betrayal.

***********

Running count of trauma mentions (cumulative of all episodes thus far)

Own Trauma: Vanya 3, Luther 3 Trauma of Others: Vanya 1, Luther 1

Read on to Part Four

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drewinator23 · 5 years ago

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FE3H MBTI [Dimitri — ISFJ]

lol so. it looks like a lot of people are subscribing to the idea that dimitri is an ENFJ, in contrast to edelgard, who is supposedly an ENTJ. i believe that misses the point of these characters — and their dynamic — almost entirely, especially in dimitri’s case. while i will say i think edelgard is an INTJ, at least that isn’t too far off from ENTJ. the cognitive difference between ISFJ and ENFJ though...oh boy, where do i start.

the whole dimitri/edelgard conflict isn’t so much a clash between Fe and Te as it is a clash between Si and Ni — with dimitri, of course, representing the former. Fe vs Te does come into play a little (ISFJ’s auxiliary Fe vs INTJ’s auxiliary Te), but i honestly think the main focus of their clash is the past vs future dynamic typical of Si/Ni conflict.

ISFP seems to be a popular choice for dimitri too, but tbh i think a lot of people are mistaking his Si for Fi. i just want to say, right now, that this man...does not have Fi. lol. not in his main functions anyway (yes i will be getting into shadow functions, and cognitive loops, and all that good stuff, so if that’s not your cup of tea then here’s your warning!) ...but yeah let’s get into it.

Dominant Si

“I must never forget that day. I must never allow their deaths to be forgotten.”

dimitri has a very strong connection to the past. and this doesn’t just apply to his past, but to the concept of the past in general. in stark contrast to edelgard, dimitri vehemently believes in “preserving what deserves to be preserved,” which is an important factor in why his methods are far less radical than hers. he believes it’s possible to improve the system currently in place without tearing it from the ground up the way edelgard does. he places a lot more focus on honoring the fallen, on reminiscing about days gone by, and on respecting tradition in general. and this isn’t to say he’s a dense fuck. dimitri is very much capable of criticizing tradition where it’s due, and we see him do this on multiple occasions. it’s just that he has a lot more appreciation for the positive aspects of tradition/“the past” which edelgard seems to ignore completely. where edelgard wishes her “worthless dreams of the past” would go away, dimitri legit admits to relying on his headaches/nightmares of the past as reminders because he is genuinely afraid to forget the faces of those he “let die,” along with those he killed. he believes forgetting their faces would be an insult to their memory. he talks about his history with edelgard far more than she talks about her history with him. he becomes furious when edelgard’s forces attack the holy tomb and “desecrate the dead.” i think you guys get where i’m going with this. while it’s true that a substantial amount of dimitri’s connection to the past is unhealthy, that’s largely due to the trauma he suffers, along with the cognitive imbalance stemming from his Si-Ti loop. obsessing over the past the way dimitri does is far more indicative of an unhealthy Si user than it is of shadow Si, which is more likely to just abandon the past altogether...or uh, “trample the past underfoot” (looking at you, hegemon edelgard).

“I owe you, just as I owe the spirits of those I let die.”

second point — duty. (i’m guessing this is the point a lot of people confuse for Fi. dimtiri’s pretty preachy, yeah, but not all talk about justice is inherently rooted in Fi. more on that later though.) this guy literally constructs his entire life around the idea of fulfilling his duty, be it his duty to his father, his duty to dedue’s people, his duty to his kingdom, etc. he constantly talks about his need to fulfill these duties, and pretty much all the effort he puts into anything is driven by this. even his earlier, more light-hearted supports tend to carry a running theme of him making promises (which he takes almost comedically seriously), encouraging his classmates to be responsible, creating debts to be repaid, and so on. the only reason he even goes to the academy in the first place is, by his own admission, to fulfill what he perceives as his duty as the Sole Survivor of the Tragedy of Duscur™. obsessive revenge is a fucked up conception of duty, sure, but it transforms into something healthier by the end of the story while remaining very distinctly Si. his duty to ghosts becomes his duty to the living — to the people in his kingdom who need him now. essentially, he develops a more constructive attitude toward duty that helps both him and the people he constantly feels he “owes.” my boi snaps out of his Si-Ti loop and becomes a bro again once dat aux Fe and inf Ne come back to balance shit out, y’know what i’m saying? anyway speaking of aux Fe,

Auxiliary Fe

“This victory is the result of everyone’s hard work. Thank you, my friends.”

academy phase dimitri (and i guess uh...post-post-timeskip dimitri) is just about the nicest guy ever. he can be stiff and awkward to the point of being comically serious at times, sure (thanks dominant Si), but he’s generally very polite and agreeable. he’s conscious of the atmosphere in his conversations and always makes an effort to keep things comfortable for everyone involved. tbh he could make do with less of the whole constantly-falling-over-himself-apologizing thing, and it would be kinda cool if “sorry” didn’t make up over 90% of his dialogue, but i digress. regret is dimitri’s middle name so it kinda makes sense for it to permeate even his most mundane interactions. ANYWAY my point is — dimitri’s always trying to make sure everyone gets along and he generally prioritizes harmony over being fully honest about his own feelings, which strikes me as a lot more Fe than Fi. a simple but hopefully effective example of this is his support with flayn where he eats her awful fucking food and tells her it’s delicious even though he can’t taste it. he later admits to her that he was only saying what he thought she’d want to hear, which is like...peak Fe my dudes. a good chunk of his support and even main story dialogue involves him trying to smooth things over, prevent conflict, let people know they did a good job, and so on. and this isn’t just with respect to the other blue lions, but to the other house leaders as well. a lot of the praise he dishes out commends hard work and effort (thanks dominant Si), but his focus is also largely on teamwork and cooperation.

“I saved someone—saved you. That and that alone has always been my crutch.”

now on to the darker side of...not-so-healthy Fe users. dimitri openly admits to dedue that saving him gave him a reason to live, that it makes him think it was worthwhile that someone “like [him]” survived. and this savior complex doesn’t just apply to his relationship with dedue, but to his behavior and decisions in general. it’s exacerbated by the sense of genuine responsibility and duty he attaches to everything (thanks dominant Si), and it sparks up in many different ways. he admits that he feels like it’s his responsibility to help the orphans at the monastery, since he lost his family like they did. he tells byleth he wants to become like rodrigue, whom he describes as “someone who can reach out and save a lost soul.” he apologizes to byleth for not being able to save jeralt (?? BRUH.) he begs byleth to tell him how he can “save” the ghosts of his loved ones, even though they’re...you know. dead. i think this prob comes from his endless regret that he couldn’t actually stop anyone from dying in the tragedy, so he’s just obsessed with saving everyone he can now. in any case, dimitri feels the pain of loss in war very, very acutely, which is why he freaks the fuck out in remire. he later admits the flames in remire reminded him of the flames in duscur, which flung him into the same rage he associates with what happened in duscur, even though he had no particular connection to the villagers in remire. he absorbs the suffering of people around him like a sponge and surprise surprise it breaks his mind. eventually his Fe gets overloaded af and shuts down (hello Si-Ti loop), but even unhinged dimitri shows an occasional connection to others’ feelings — endearingly so when he pats a random orphan’s head, and eerily so when he sympathizes with fleche’s bloodlust and allows her to join the party because of it.

Tertiary Ti

“He’s dead. There goes our chance to gain more information.”

dimitri’s introverted realm is one of Si and Ti. he wants to reconcile his understanding of what happened in the past with a logical, substantial explanation, and he works tirelessly to find this explanation. this becomes increasingly apparent when he actually spends time alone — when he isn’t in the company of others, dimitri is far more research-oriented than he is overtly sentimental. he is interested in learning the facts of his circumstances, and he spends hours in the library looking for answers, trying to find out for himself what really happened. he is skeptical of the generally accepted “truth” that duscur itself is to blame, and instead believes that the blame foisted on it is meant to cover up something far more underhanded. of course, he is right about this, and he conducts as much research as he can to get to the bottom of the event. he spends hours in the library, late into the night. he reads about his uncle, lord arundel, and immediately suspects his involvement because the church’s records of his donations abruptly stop right before the tragedy. dimitri questions the man himself about this during their brief encounter pre-timeskip, though it (predictably) doesn’t really lead anywhere. he tries this again post-timeskip, but arundel dies before dimitri can pry too much out of him, which the latter bitterly laments.

“That is merely the logic of the living. It’s meaningless.”

much like dimitri’s Si, his Ti becomes warped once he enters his Si-Ti loop — feeding into a harsh, twisted, self-deprecating sort of logic that only reinforces itself and ignores other viewpoints (thanks to Fe and Ne shutting down). he becomes uncharacteristically blunt and critical, and the colder, more cynical view of the world we see glimpses of pre-timeskip becomes far more pronounced. in his mind, it doesn’t make sense for the living to move on in hopes of appeasing the dead. turning a blind eye to the dead is blasphemous, and anyone who believes that the dead would want the living to do so is merely adopting “the logic of the living” — a delusion to make themselves feel better. this belief likely helps him rationalize his own desire for revenge, and inability to let go of his past, and so the Si-Ti loop reinforces itself. to reiterate though, dimitri’s Ti is incredibly helpful and constructive when he isn’t loopy (ahahah. get it.) but anyway yeah, in short, his analytical process is typically far more introverted than the sensitive, emotion-focused approach he maintains externally. also, his attention to detail and refusal to accept things at face value are more subtle, covert elements of his personality, but they are definitely there. it’s not as pronounced as claude’s auxiliary Ti, sure, but tertiary Ti ain’t a force to be reckoned with either.

Inferior Ne

“Lineage, race, faith, ideologies... If we could just accept each other and make mutual concessions, one step at a time... Perhaps... Who knows if that’s even possible.”

again, this is one of claude’s functions but more baby. take upside down man’s dominant Ne and make it a bit smoller, more scared, and quicker to shut down. inferior Ne is brilliant, but unfortunately the fourth function tends to be one of insecurity. dimitri aspires to be open-minded and accepting (there’s a reason the inferior function is sometimes called the aspirational function), but it’s something he admittedly struggles with at times. he believes in compromise and understanding, and not just in an Fe way — dimitri advocates for reaching out to other perspectives in war, in politics, and in various other contexts throughout the story. it isn’t the first thing on his mind, but it’s an ideal he genuinely admires. and later in the game, once he snaps out of his loop (which is inherently tunnel-visioned due to its introverted nature), he opens up to the idea again and seeks to understand edelgard’s point of view. he asks to speak with her, to get a better idea of where she’s coming from, to negotiate and hopefully reach a mutual understanding. this echoes his dialogue in chapter 3, where he laments the incident with lord lonato and expresses his belief that they shouldn’t have cut him down, but talked to him instead. dimitri’s Si-Ti loop effectively shuts this desire down, for a very long time, but it finally wakes up again once byleth reminds him “there must be another way.”

“I wonder which is best, Professor... To cut away that which is unacceptable, or to find a way to accept it anyway.”

again, as long as byleth is there to steer him back on track, we all know the answer dimitri gets to this in the end. there is always an air of uncertainty about it all — and he definitely needs someone to help kick that inferior into “aspirational mode” — but he is ultimately capable of it. it begins as more of a question than anything, but with guidance it becomes an ideal he can properly believe in and seek for himself. it’s what allows him to finally reach for edelgard’s hand in the end. once he accepts the parts of himself he previously couldn’t, he finds himself able to accept edelgard as well — to extend that same mercy to her. once he’s out of his loop, he doesn’t just regain awareness of his loved ones’ needs with Fe, but becomes invested in understanding their perspectives and motivations again with Ne. he listens to people again, lets them help him, asks them questions, and shows genuine curiosity in their answers. claude would be proud eh?

Shadow Functions

okay here we go. i’m going to make this part shorter since it’s the main functions that matter most, and i know not everyone subscribes to the idea of shadow functions. but anyway here’s the dirt.

Opposing Se

“It’s not that I have grown weary...more that I find it difficult to be around everyone at the moment.”

this man literally cannot taste food. do i even need to elaborate? okay for real though, dimitri often finds it hard to remain present. he’s often caught up in his duties with Si, or worrying about the atmosphere with Fe, or stuck in his research with Ti, and so on. he is very much capable of making pleasant conversation, but actually feeling present is very difficult for him, and he even goes so far as to describe joy as “fleeting.” he struggles to enjoy festivities, claiming they “don’t suit [him],” and prefers instead to chat with byleth about his childhood. he can’t truly enjoy the meals he eats with others, but he remarks about the dishes he “used to love as a child.” trauma aside, dimitri finds genuine comfort in reminiscing about the past, and he often brings it up in his conversations with others. this is a classic dynamic between dominant Si and the opposing Se that comes along with it.

Critic Fi

“Whatever my feelings, it is all the act of a monster.”

dimitri’s personal feelings are...very, very low on his priority list. and despite all his preaching, he ultimately believes that whatever his personal moral compass may be, it doesn’t justify his actions. and he extends this belief to everyone else as well. simply put, dimitri doesn’t think any set of ideals or morals can justify the actions committed in war. as Aleczandxr words it, “the only reality of war is tragedy for him. there is no such thing as a ‘glorious’ or ‘romantic’ death, and sacrifice is blasphemy.” this is evident in his disgust at people trying to glorify glenn’s death (which dimitri ironically shares with felix — who of course has demon Fi — but that’s a topic for another time.) no subjective concept of morality could possibly justify murder, in any context, and this belief is a burden dimitri admits he believes he will carry forever. dimitri’s introverted realm is a reconciliation between Si and Ti, not Si and Fi. although he believes this should apply to everyone in theory, he often struggles to voice it outright, leading to the hypocritical dynamic that often comes with auxiliary Fe and critic Fi. an example of this is when he tells ashe not to beat himself up for what happened with lord lonato, in an attempt to comfort him, but then proceeds to beat himself up for the exact same thing as soon as ashe leaves. furthermore, the advice he gives marianne in his support with her is to understand that she doesn’t have to “force [her]self to smile as [her] soul bleeds,” though that is exactly what he does for the majority of the academy phase. in any case, the fact that he chooses to give her this specific advice, of all things, is telling.

Trickster Te

“I do not want you to die a death like that. Not even for the sake of loyalty or duty.”

dimitri struggles with efficiency. his intense loathing of sacrifice, regardless of context, makes it very difficult for him to strategize as a commander the way that edelgard does. his rational side is, for the most part, internal; he uses it for his research, his theorizing, his personal endeavors to obtain more information and better understand his circumstances. but he struggles to apply that same level of cold, hard logic while commanding his troops, especially in battle. this comes up in his support with ingrid, who remarks that any good king innately understands some of his soldiers’ lives must be sacrificed for the greater good. she then proceeds to call dimitri’s ideals soft-hearted, which is as good an encapsulation as any of how his Te compares to edelgard’s. war and battlefields aside, dimitri struggles with being harsh in general, preferring to speak to others in softer, more personal terms rather than being blunt. he translates his Ti findings into “acceptable” Fe terms, except for when he enters a loop and said Fe shuts down. during these phases, dimitri is harsh in a manner far more characteristic of “unfiltered” Ti than it is of unrestrained Te, as he snaps at others to leave him alone more than he is inclined to order them around.

Demon Ni

“Do I have the right to live for myself?”

as soon as dimitri snaps out of his Si-Ti revenge craze, his first instinct is to ask who or what he should live for now. and even after byleth tells him to live for what he believes in, it’s very clear in dimitri’s subsequent supports that “what he believes in” is still fulfilling his duty to his kingdom. the difference is that he now has a healthier conception of said duty, and is finally open to accepting his loved ones’ support. that said, he has never been naturally inclined to follow his more personal desires, plainly admitting that he has rarely — if ever — given his own dreams any thought. furthermore, he struggles considerably with looking toward the future, and is unable to do so without byleth, who needs to physically stop him from looking back and guide him onward in the final cutscene. even at his healthiest, dimitri is a defender of the past. he criticizes edelgard by asking her if she would really force people to “throw their lives away for the future,” and warns her that regardless of how strongly she believes in her vision, the future she creates will be “built on a foundation of tears.” this is because he understands, better than most, just how critical the past can be in any individual’s life.

Conclusion

the internet needs to stop hating Si and just let characters be well-written “and Si” at the same time lol. especially in such obvious, practically textbook cases of high Si. one of the most common arguments against Si dimitri is that his devotion to the past is only caused by his trauma, and “isn’t the real him.” the fact of the matter is, dimitri’s Si manifests in so much more than just his duty to avenge the fallen. it plays a huge role in so many other elements of his personality, as do the other functions that come with being an ISFJ. i’m tired of these implications that Ni is some inherently higher, “healthier” form of being lying under literally any indication of Si, which automatically gets discarded as trauma or something lmao. c’mon guys ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

#fe3h #dimitri #mbti #isfj

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astreetcarnamedwynn · 5 years ago

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bnha rewatch: episodes 6-8

In which I dive deep into Bakugou’s head, how society has helped warp him into the asshole that he is at the start of the show, and how he is schooled by Aizawa, All Might, Momo, Todoroki, and especially Midoriya to start his path to becoming a hero. Prepare yourself. I love Angry Explosion Boy and his fraught bond with Midoriya, so there are a lot of words here. If you’d like to read my thoughts about prior episodes, click on the ‘bnha rewatch’ tag. I’m also posting them on AO3; you can find the link to my account at the top of my Tumblr.

“Rage You Damn Nerd,” “Deku vs. Kacchan,” and “Bakugou’s Start Line”

Episode eight’s title (“Bakugo’s Start Line”) defines this set of episodes as it is this set that dive headfirst into Bakugou’s primary arc for the first three seasons. Part of Midoriya’s arc so far is to have the curtain pulled back on the hero world so he can learn the harsh truth of it (exemplified primarily by Toshinori in his true form and by Aizawa as well). This knowledge will likely help him to become an even greater hero than All Might, who saved people and provided them a sense of safety, but who also bears responsibility for skewing heroics into a singular, spectacular show. I doubt Midoriya will ever be a performative hero like Toshinori is with All Might. Though Midoriya has a mask with his costume (the bunny ears and mouth guard, i.e. the All Might components to the costume), it’s been consistently forgotten or destroyed. Midoriya as a hero is Midoriya himself. It’s why his hero name is Deku, after all, and not some pseudonym that highlights his powers or some other flashy attribute.

Bakugou’s arc reflects Midoriya’s. If Fanboy Midoriya at the start of the story reflects society’s warped view of heroism (utterly dazzled by the RAZZLE DAZZLE show aspect of heroing that I’ve discussed previously with All Might and Mic), then Bakugou reflects the product of such a society and its warped view. Bakugou’s sense of himself and his place in the world is largely shaped by society and its twisted views on quirks and heroism. This is not to say that Bakugou does not bear responsibility for his beliefs and his actions. He does. It’s just that those beliefs, which prompted many of those actions, were not the product of himself alone.

It’s notable that, before Bakugou got his quirk, Midoriya describes him as confident: “It seemed like [Bakugou] could do anything. No matter what he decided to do, he was always so confident.” This confidence changes after Bakugou receives his quirk. Bakugou changes after he receives his quirk, and it’s due in part to society’s twisted view of quirks (and thus to his twisted view of quirks as he has grown up in and been influenced by this society).

A side note → This is another place we can hold Toshinori partially at fault for how society and its view on quirks and heroism has developed. He’s kept the nature of his power secret from everyone. In episode eight, Recovery Girl confronts him about this: “Does it really matter if you were born with your quirk? Do you have to be the symbol of peace? Is it that important?” He says yes, proclaiming that, if people knew this power could be passed from one person to another, the temptation of it would become too great. This is likely true. This is a society that reveres power, after all. We see this in the first episode when one of the bystanders in the opening fight wishes he had a powerful quirk like Death Arms does. However, Toshinori keeping the true nature of his power a secret also upholds this reverence for “natural power,” meaning it upholds the idea of judging someone’s worth based on the quirk they inherit, rather than on their other qualities. Toshinori’s secret has contributed to the society in which Midoriya is deemed useless and worthless due to his quirklessness. This is why I think that the truth of Midoriya’s quirk will be revealed to society as a whole, and this revelation will rock society and change it for the better. It’s not “luck” or “destiny” that matters, meaning it’s not the quirk you inherit that is important. It’s the effort you put forth, how you use that power, the kind of person you are that counts the most.

As Toshinori tells Midoriya, there’s a difference between being lucky and deserving: the first is an accident and the latter is one you earn through effort.

Back to Bakugou → The fabulous montage in episode seven (“Deku vs. Kacchan”) shows how society’s reverence for quirks and power inflate his ego. Kids and adults, including his teachers, constantly praise him (“a flashy quirk for a future hero”), and young Bakugou comes to believe this wholly: “I am amazing. I bet there’s no one as great as I am!” To Bakugou (and to society) he has an awesome quirk, which means that he himself is awesome (although he did absolutely nothing to receive this quirk, it being determined by luck and genetics). Bakugou’s life up until his abduction by the sludge villain reinforces this. The first scene we see of him in his middle school classroom shows this most clearly. He blows up Midoriya’s desk and threatens him with an explosion (he looms over Midoriya, who cowers on the floor, with smoking hands), AND HIS TEACHER DOES ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO STOP HIM. His bad behavior is condoned by society because he has a good quirk.

Contrast this to the first class Bakugou has at UA (seen at the start of “Rage You Damn Nerd”). He does as he has in the past- he threatens Midoriya with his quirk when he gets angry- and yet here Aizawa shuts him down immediately. This begins the crucial second step of “Bakugou Gets His Twisted Illusions about Himself, Quirks, and Heroics Stripped Away until He’s Confronted with the Truth of All Things (and of All Might).” The first step, of course, was the sludge villain and Midoriya (“useless Deku”) helping to save him, which rocked his views of himself and of Midoriya too, which he uses to reinforce his view of himself. In this second step, not only is Bakugou forced to deal with adults who chastise him for doing as he’s always done (Aizawa and then All Might, who calls him out on his inflated pride), he’s forced to deal with the even more shocking fact that the feature upon which he’s built his entire sense of self-worth (his quirk) may not be all that it’s cracked up to be.

See Momo, Todoroki, and Midoriya (here representing the head, hand, and heart- or intelligence, power, and character).

I think it’s important that the characters who cause Bakugou to reasses are two of the four who got into the hero program on recommendations (and thus are “better” than Bakugou) and the one who (in his view) should not even be there. The ‘best’ beat him (Momo intellectually and Todoroki with his power), and the ‘worst’ beats him (Midoriya in the heroes vs. villains match up) as well. I don’t think one by themselves would have such the profound impact that both have on Bakugou.

Momo criticizes Bakugou for his grenade blast, the massive display of power that he wielded in the match. The grenade blast displays the utter power of his quirk. It’s supposed to be both effective and impressive, yet to Momo, it’s neither. All that move showed was Bakugou’s lack of good judgment, a point reinforced by All Might when he chastises Bakugou for using it and says he’ll be penalized if he does it again. How much must that burn for Bakugou: his first interaction with his idol, and his idol criticizes, rather than praises, him.

And then Todoroki. He beat his opposing team BY HIMSELF in less than a minute. Bakugou spent the entire 15 minutes of his allotted time fighting “quirkless, useless Deku,” AND HE LOST. Momo and Todoroki (and Aizawa and All Might) show how the way that Bakugou has operated before as well as the tools of his operation (his quirk) are insufficient.

Side note → I find it interesting that what finally pulls Todoroki into the narrative is Bakugou, not Midoriya. The first time Todoroki speaks in the show is when Bakugou finally demonstrates how skilled he is with his quirk, when he pivots midair over Midoriya in their one-on-one fight to blast Midoriya in the back. Todoroki says of Bakugou, “He doesn’t come off as a guy with a strategy, but he’s actually quite intelligent… very clever.”

Back to Bakugou. If he’s been schooled so far at UA by Aizawa, All Might, Momo, and Todoroki, his most significant schooling comes from the source of his first schooling: Midoriya. He’s right at the end of episode eight when he says that Midoriya humiliated him. Midoriya, obviously, does not do this intentionally. He wanted to beat Bakugou, not beat him down. But beating him IS beating him down in Bakugou’s mind. For the majority of their time, Midoriya (without his quirk, thus as ‘quirkless, useless Deku’) outsmarts Bakugou. He predicts Bakugou’s opening right hook and flips him flat on his back, he nearly captures Bakugou with the capture tape, he successfully evades Bakugou for a significant chunk of time. In fact, Bakugou only gets the upper hand after he goes FULL QUIRK with his grenade blast. But even after this Midoriya humiliates him because, for Bakugou, this has been ALL ABOUT DEKU, but for Midoriya, this has ultimately been about winning the match (Bakugou to Midoriya as he’s talking to Uraraka on the comm: “Are you ignoring me again? I’ll get your attention”). How much must that vex Bakugou? The first reminiscence of his that we get is of Midoriya trailing after him with a look of utter adoration in his eyes, and now he’s not even top priority for Midoriya any more.

The reason he gives for hating Midoriya is tied to this as well. Bakugou flashes back to the first time Midoriya stands up to him (what we see in the first few minutes of the first episode). Here, not only is Midoriya NOT fawning all over Bakugou and his explosive perfection, he’s daring to criticize Bakugou for his bad behavior. Midoriya is one of the few people in these opening episodes (either in the present or in the flashbacks) that criticizes Bakugou for his behavior (Bakugou’s lackeys do it seconds before the sludge villain is set free, calling him out for his harsh bullying of Midoriya, but they didn’t try to stop him as he was doing it, not like Midoriya does in the flashback). To Bakugou, the least important and significant of society, quirkless and thus useless Deku, dares to criticize him, the most gifted and awesome of anyone he knows. It’s easy to see how he twists this into Midoriya thinking that he’s better than Bakugou. If Midoriya didn’t think he was better than Bakugou, he wouldn’t be criticizing him. He’d be fawning all over him as everyone else does.

The irony is that Midoriya DOES revere Bakugou, but he does so in spite of Bakugou’s flaws, not because Bakugou lacks any flaws altogether.

To Bakugou, this incorrect belief that he has of Midoriya thinking he’s better than him is reinforced by the revelation of Midoriya’s quirk. Midoriya mentions in the third episode how no one thinks quirks can be passed on the way that One for All is passed along. Knowing this, he proclaims, would force society to completely rethink everything it knows and thinks about quirks. So of course Bakugou thinks that Midoriya just kept his quirk a secret from him. This becomes then either Midoriya not thinking that Bakugou was worth telling, or that Midoriya was just laughing at him and his cluelessness the entire time they knew each other. In no way does Bakugou think that Midoriya wouldn’t tell him of his “secret quirk” because he’s treated Midoriya like dirt nearly his entire life. To Bakugou, the fault lies with Midoriya, not with himself. To admit that would be to admit that his entire sense of self is wrong, that HE is wrong. Which he is and thankfully, eventually, begins to learn, starting here.

Just a few words on Midoriya in these episodes. If it’s vitally important for Bakugou in the long run that Midoriya beats him, it’s equally as important for Midoriya. All Might recognizes this and (foolishly as a teacher, but feelingly as a mentor) lets the wild fight progress. Bakugou at this point represents both the worst and the best for Midoriya. Bakugou is the worst in his constant dismissal of Midoriya as useless and worthless because he doesn’t have a quirk. For Midoriya to go toe-to-toe with Bakugou for so long in this match without using his quirk is an important step in him building his self-confidence. He CAN do it. He’s not useless Deku anymore. Deku is the name of a hero. Additionally, Bakugou represents the best for Midoriya. He came in first in the entrance exam (and likely the quirk assessment test too). As Midoriya tells Uraraka, Bakugou’s “strength and confidence and ambition, not to mention his quirk, they’re so much greater than mine… but that just means I have to do better.” Qurikless Midoriya needed to prove that he could against Bakugou. Quirked Midoriya needs to do the same. Deku is the name of a hero.

The only way he can do that at this point though is reckless self-sacrifice, which many people call out, including Momo and Recovery Girl. That is not sustainable, as Aizawa said in episode five. What use is such power if Midoriya is rendered useless after one punch? Just as Bakugou’s big blast was reckless and stupid, so too was Midoriya’s. They may have allowed both of them to accomplish their short term goals, but in the long term such actions will only result in their self-destruction. Thankfully, both will learn.

#bnha #my hero academia #boku no hero academia #katsuki bakugou #midoriya izuku #bakudeku #toshinori yagi #all might #todoroki shouto #aizawa shouta #momo yaoyorozu #bnha meta #bnha analysis #bnha rewatch

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