#I think being autistic is so painful. Not to get really real but I'm

[mobgeo]

I feel so clueless on how jokes work. I know what makes people laugh, and I can repeat what makes them laugh so I can be funny, but I still don't understand the joke itself. I know how to make people laugh but I don't understand WHY it elicits laughter

[saccharinescorpion]

i've been debating on whether to post about this but what the hell, it's relevant both to today's episode and the topic of people trying to smooth over the flaws of Dungeon Meshi characters.... so, uh, remember what i said yesterday about Laios forgetting the basics of human decency when interacting with Izutsumi

i was intially worried about people reading this scene in uhh certain ways but was thankful to see most fans were chill with it... before i realized that. uh. maybe people were being a little too chill

okay............ so,

1. for the record: i believe that it is clear from what we know about him and what we know about the entire series as a whole that, yes, Laios didn't have "untoward" intentions towards Izutsumi in this scene. there's even an aside in Izutsumi's profile in the Adventurer's Bible that says as much. he likely saw it in basically the same way Falin did when she was observing the reproductive organs of the caterpillar in that one scene. FOR THE RECORD this excuse would basically never fly in real life, but for Laios, it actually honestly makes sense... he has a habit of ignoring people's boundaries, he gets ahead of himself when it comes to learning about monsters... he didn't have bad intentions, no, but it doesn't change the fact that he's an adult man (not a [my face contorts with a great pain] "curious boy") who was being really invasive about a teenage girl's body. it was weird. it was 100% weird, lmao, i don't think fans are "lacking media literacy" by saying "uh yeah that was kind of creepy and inappropriate of Laios"

2. and i also don't think it's villifying ND people to say that. if i were to be honest, i would argue the whole "he's just a curious boy :(" thing is a lot more offensive to neurodivergent people. Laios clearly knows about the concept of bodily autonomy- he felt weird and bad about touching Marcille and Senshi in "intimate" ways just to heal them. literally one scene after this one he expresses embarassment about accidentally touching the leg of (who he thinks to be) Marcille. he very obviously possesses the capacity to understand why it would be inappropriate to observe a stranger's body like they were an animal. i can accept the explanation that his monster curiosity temporarily overpowered his "oh actually maybe i shouldn't try to get up close and person with this teenager who i literally just met," but that doesn't change that he had to be restrained from doing that. i'm not even saying he's a "bad person" or anything because of this scene- i just am baffled at the idea of fans being presented with the slightest bit of messiness (he was creepy to a young girl, however unintentionally) and jumping to try and "justify" it (he's just silly, he's socially awkward, he's autistic, he's a Curious Boy) and even mock others who rightfully point out that that was uncomfortable behavior. Laios was creepy to Izutsumi. he didn't mean to, but he did (and to be quite frank he was lucky to get off with a smack from Chilchuck and a blindfold)

3. "I would also ask" excuse me?

[ratgirlexe]

To wrap up my thoughts on HDG as horror, now that I’m no longer in severe pain and writing my thoughts at 3 am:

I think the best summary of it all is that it’s hard for me to go into any given story and feel truly horrified, because I know on a meta textual level that everything is going to work out in the end, and the characters will likely be happier than when they started. I don’t know how to suspend my disbelief in the idea that ultimately things will work out, so even if the main character goes through any number of acts which are horrifying in *theory*. I almost empathize more with the affini putting them through that experience, more so than the character who’s point of view I’m seeing things from.

Are you a rebel feralist being put through awake surgery for your haustoric implant? It might be the scariest experience of your life, but that just means you get to be a floret now! You’ll have someone to care for and love you forever, and you’ll never have to be alone. Give it a week and you’ll be thanking them for doing so.

How about if you’re a terminally ill patient at end-of-life, or in excruciating pain that even the affini can't somehow solve? That's okay! We'll get you on a nice tasty regimen of class-O's, and you'll never hurt or be afraid again. There will be nothing but unending bliss, and you won't even realize that you're hurting. Not all suffering can be prevented, and eventually it all has to end, but heaven is real, and we've placed it inside you. Even in that last situation, which is the most personally scary to me, there's a certain level of bitter sweetness to it all. Maybe it's just the pain I've been in, but there aren't quite as many ways to end someones life that are as kind as bliss never-ending.

Ultimately I think it's just the fact that I know the affini are benevolent within the story, which makes even the most harrowing or scary events take on a more lighthearted tone for me. Yes, getting to where you want to be, where you *need* to be can be really scary. I'm autistic. Change is terrifying, change is death, and some changes can feel too monumental to ever surmount on your own. But to me HDG is a true escapist fantasy that says "Even if this change is scary, even if you can't choose to change for the better, even if the process hurts or makes you feel like you're dying, I'll be here with you to hold your hand and guide you through it. You don't have to go through it alone, and by the end you'll be able to blossom into who I know you can be."

And to me that's just not scary or horrifying. That's something that I yearn for each and every day.

[grison-in-space]

Reading Men Who Hate Women (Laura Bates, 2020) at the moment. She's talking about the manosphere: the massive online communities of men who congregate to talk misogyny, ranging from PUAs to MRAs, incels and MGTOW. These aren't new topics to me—I've been following this off and on since watching Gamergate kick off—but Bates handles them well and I think this book could serve as an introduction if this is a movement with which you're not familar. By the way, it's been a decade since Gamergate this year. Isn't that a kicker?

(Incidentally, I first ran into the concept of incels way before I think many people did: when I was still on AVEN, c. 2006-2007ish, I remember a few occasions where users ran into incel communities and brought them to our forums to ask: is this like what we're doing? Is this like us? Consensus quickly solidified on the direction of "no," each time, not least because asexuality dialog at the time was extremely clear about divorcing desire from action, and it was very clear that the desires centered in that community were very different than the ones people in asexuality spaces were untangling.)

Bates handles the topic with grace, compassion, and a deep understanding that I really wish more writing on radicalization or terroristic networks used: people in real pain, who are struggling in pitiable circumstances to do their best and clearly need more support, can also in their pain be truly dangerous to others. Hurt people hurt people. Compassion for pain suffered is important—you can't understand recruitment without understanding that—but you also have to understand that pain, fermented in darkness, can create deadly poisons. Pain isn't essentially holy or cleansing or cauterizing. It doesn't accomplish anything good by existing. If we can relieve it, we should—but we should follow harm reduction principles as we do so, lest pain be allowed to multiply and fester.

What gets me is that in 2017, in the wake of the Google bro "manifesto," I spent a feverish week writing what wound up being a 20,000 word rebuttal studded with what eventually totaled 100+ peer reviewed citations. It got quite a bit of reach and covered ground ranging from effects of testosterone on behavior, the concept of effect size in sex differences, basic statistics, the ways that humans treat people differently based on their perception of gender, intersex trauma, and whether feminists care about men's problems (yeah, actually, and they should).

I released that piece, changed up my name and fannish presence—my long time pseud was tangled all over the piece's genesis—and hunkered down for the reprisals. I expected harassment and vitriol. It never really came: I ignored the comments on the post, after a bit, and I held boundaries on what I was willing to pay attention to. But by and large, I had no direct consequences from the Manosphere.

Perhaps the piece was too long (although I got many comments from people who read it and found it useful, and I included an index). Perhaps it was simply that I included a headshot of myself, with uncharacteristic red lipstick and characteristically buzzed hair, and cheerfully discussed throughout that I was butch and queer: sometimes I confuse people who are very focused on bioessentialist sex differences, because I don't fit their paradigms in the slightest.

About six months later, James Damore attempted to frame his incredibly poor decisions in light of his Asperger's, and I did get a couple dudes on social media presenting me with this information apparently in the hope that it would shock or embarrass me. I immediately pointed out, acerbically, that I'm equally autistic and that he was making us look bad, and they melted away again into the background. It wasn't really the well of terrifying anger and obliterative fury I was expecting.

I find myself reading these stories in Bates' book and thinking about the internet I grew up on: AVEN by 2005, WrongPlanet the same year, listening to people on the margins talk about their fears and hopes and dreams and theories about themselves. I find myself thinking about narratives and meaning, the stories we tell ourselves about who we are and why.

I'm certainly not the first person to worry about radicalization of young autistic people, especially autistic men. Not even close. Paradoxically, it's a group of people for whom an understanding of intersectionality is crucial: young disabled men often alienated deliberately from conceptualizing themselves as disabled, without the tools to understand why life is hard and painful and never seems to reflect their experiences, trying to construct understanding beyond one's singular, isolated defective wrongness—which is what's left, if you take community off the table.

(Have I mentioned how grateful I am that so many autistics are trans spectrum? Imagine if we weren't, and if I didn't have so many transfeminine sisters funneled along those same currents and drifting closely enough alongside to understand. My sisters, so many of whom are out there living and modeling better ways to understand and participate in gender as a social activity: by figuring out what is most comfortable for you, understanding that comfort for one might be agony for another, and taking steps to shape your own life into a fashion that wells forth the most peace and joy. It's a message we all need to hear, but that is a group of people I hear singing so loudly from my place in a different wing of the choir, and I love them for it.)

I don't have answers. As is, so often, the case these days, I have only grief and love, and the determination to build better structures where my own hands reach. I had intended to direct my career, once, to undermining the entire concept of "good genes" models of evolution and explaining how their convoluted connections to natural phenomena are better explained by other, more direct motives. Since 2020, I've been moving in a new direction—but what precisely it is, I'm not sure.

Sex differences is certainly a piece of it, though. Even if I find myself often enough writing that it's not enough to know a sex difference in one species to assume that another will reflect a similar relationship: we should study sex differences in animals, but we really shouldn't assume that humans will have the same ones or work the same way. I suspect this won't be the first time I tangle with that community. I suppose it depends how much authority I can accrue as protection first.

[drdemonprince]

Autistic friend anon here — thank you so much for your answer and the substack post. I was kind of stuck in the “rejection” feeling of “wait but if being autistic isn’t a bad thing then why are you so upset at the idea that YOU might be autistic”. I took it really personally and wasn’t really thinking about how much it sucks when someone acts like they know you better than you do. I’ll have to keep working through that.

I also often get stuck in the idea that “well if someone had just TOLD ME I was queer/trans/autistic then I could have figured it out sooner and life would be better” or whatever. But after many years of being out as queer/trans, I think that isn’t actually true and even if it is, I don’t interact with other possibly queer/trans people by “diagnosing” them with queerness/transness any more. In my head it seemed like autism was different for some reason, but of course it is not.

Anyway, your answer was really thoughtful and diplomatic, while also being very clear about what is bad behavior on my part. It is genuinely going to be a big benefit in my life.

Hey, nice to hear from you again!

I totally feel you. When I told a friend years ago that I thought she might be a BPDer, I was incensed that she ended up not taking that comment well. I meant it in an affirming, pro-Mad-Pride kinda way! I was a BPDer too! if she thought it was bad to be BPD, what did that mean she thought about me?

But I was looking at it the wrong way. I had just hurled a still very stigmatized label in her direction as a response to her complaining about real relational struggles in her life, which felt diminishing and presumptive. Telling various people in my life that I'm pretty sure they're Autistic can have a similar effect, even if they're on board Autism acceptance as an idea.

I used to fixate on the time I lost not realizing I was trans or queer or whatever the fuck I am yet. I had a vision of an older me materializing before me at age 16, specifically on the corn-lined roads I used to bike up and down furiously, and imagined telling myself the Truth of who I was and what I had to do to be happy. I believed that if i had known I was trans younger I would have avoided a lot of upsetting relationships, eating disordered periods, and general angst.

Now. I am pretty damn sure that is not true. It turns out that being trans was not a solution to all my problems, it was just another problem that I had. In the sense that it's a challenge to navigate on this bitch of an earth. if i hadn't chosen to be trans i would have chosen some other shit to do that also would have been a major pain in the ass i'm sure. that too would have been an interesting back story.

I dont think I was ever going to be outgoing and unneurotic and breezily well adjusted. That's not my lot in life. Feeling a little uncomfortable in my body and around other people is as definitional a part of me as my wit or my weird laugh. I can kinda love that about myself now, or at least accept it. nothing and nobody actually could have saved me. its just not that simple. but it's been a pretty interesting life.

i think we tend to impose our self-narratives onto other people when we are not happy or we are harboring deep regrets about having gotten something wrong or missed something in the past. but we cant spare our friends those journeys. they should get to have them. it's interesting and enriching to get things wrong, be in denial, cope in elaborate stupid ways, soul search, change our minds, miss something, find something, never know what's true.

[anistarrose]

So I have only my two cents to give on the "curing disabilities in fantasy/sci-fi stories" trope, as just one disabled person among many disabled people, but here are my two cents nonetheless.

One defense of the trope is that it's simply a form of escapism, and moreover, a fantasy that disabled people themselves can quite reasonably find joy in — as a feel-good story, a break from all the pain of real life. Many — not all by a long shot, but many — of us would jump at the chance for a cure, after all, and it's not like we're not valid to do so. Lots of us take pride in being disabled, but nevertheless, sometimes it really fucking sucks.

The counterargument to the above is this: that this isn't a realistic trope, and that particularly in combination with the suffocating frequency that this trope is used, this becomes the opposite of a hopeful fantasy. When you have an incurable condition, and the only happy endings you see represented for people like you in fiction are inevitably only achieved once the characters stop being like you — that can be indescribably upsetting.

Disabled characters do not get happy endings while remaining disabled — and fiction is fiction and all, but I'm not going to pretend like this doesn't have gradual, accumulative real-life effects on the amount of effort people/society are willing to put into accessibility and acceptance, because of beliefs like "aren't you going to be cured someday anyway?" Or "isn't this disability just going to stop existing, someday? one way or another?"

I hope I don't have to explain how damaging it is to think the above way, or to imagine a future where disability doesn't exist. (Yes, even though disability is partially socially constructed. That's a load-bearing "partially".)

So, if you couldn't tell, I do generally relate a lot more to the harsher, more critical view of this trope — but I certainly don't want to judge actual disabled people for writing it either (and especially not people with progressive conditions), not when there is genuine catharsis and escapist joy that can be wrung from it. I obviously don't trust non-disabled folks with writing "cure" stories any further than I could throw them, due to a long fucking history of non-disabled people fucking it up — but also, no one should be forced to reveal personal details, let alone medical history, to justify their choice to write something.

This is the paradox that I am willing to come to terms with, by throwing up my hands and saying, "okay, so some of the time I sure don't like it, but it's technically none of my business."

That said: if you're non-disabled, or you're writing about a disability much different from your own (a physical disability when you're autistic, for example), and you want to write an escapist feel-good story featuring disabled characters: I also want to stress that "escapist themes" versus "no one's disability gets cured ever" is very much a false binary. You can have both.

I've never written a "curing a disability" story. But I've both written and enjoyed some extremely escapist, unashamedly hopeful stories revolving around disabled characters — and it's all about accommodation.

A story of any genre where society is more accepting of — and willing to collectively help care for — chronic illnesses and chronic pain? That's escapist, and if it's something that characters once fought tooth and nail for, it's pretty damn cathartic. A fantasy or sci-fi story where medicines are still required to treat a condition, but the medicines are more accessible, more effective, et cetera, may also be escapist depending on the context.

Fantasy service animals, high-tech service robots, magical or indistinguishable-from-magic mobility devices? They're all possibly escapist too. (Just note that a lot of disabled people may still maintain a personal preference for seeing the "real world" versions, and that's that's also perfectly reasonable. Remember that the gripe with the original trope has a lot to do with a lack of variety in representation, justified by arbitrary rules about how fantasy/sci-fi "should" look, and the goal should be not to replicate that.)

So, in conclusion: if you find yourself writing a disabled character, and want to give them a happy ending, I urge you not to jump to "their disability is cured now" without at least thinking through the alternatives. Do your research regardless, and accept that disabled people will likely have a wide range of opinions on whatever you decide to go with — but accept that disabilities themselves are varied, and should not inherently have to consign either characters or real human beings to tragic lives by their mere existence.

[actually-a-fish]

the best supernatural episodes

according to an autistic person with a special interest and the ability to make a list.

if youre really serious about supernatural spoilers then maybe stay away :)

None of the season one episodes made in on the list but I will give an honorable mention to S1 E2 Wendigo.

S2 E11 Playthings - A classic, creepy girls in a creepy hotel. Special call out to Sam getting SLOPPY

S2 E16 Roadkill - There's a ghost haunting the highway. the Boys help the spirit move on. This is an early example of monster empathy

S2 E18 Hollywood Babylon - Dean loves hollywood. I love dean. this episode makes me kick my feet like a little girl and i will not defend myself.

S2 EP 20 What Was Shall Never Be - all I have in my notes for this one is "Dean Djinn Dream" which was enough for me to remember the episode and get misty eyes. This is SEASON 2 my son will never know peace.

S3 E5 Bedtime Stories -I had to check the wiki on this one, I think i liked it cause it referenced classic fairytales

S3 Ep11 Mystery Spot - "HEAT OF THE MOMENT" RISE AND SHINE SAMMY!

S3 E13 Ghostfacers! - Im a Facer through and through

S3 E16 No Rest for the Wicked - S3 finale and the Boys are facing consequences! Classic Dean, Sam and Bobby episode.

S4 E1 Lazerus Rising - First Cas Episode. That handprint makes me feel things.

S4 E6 Yellow Fever - What if Dean had anxiety (The Eye of the Tiger blooper is also at the end of the episode which gives it bonus points.

S4 E17 Wishful Thinking - Make a wish? was it for your teddy bear to be diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder? Well thats what youre getting!

S4 E17 It's a Terrible Life - Sam ~ the sales rep. Dean ~ middle management.

S4 E18 The Monster at the End of the Book - There are books about Sam and Dean?! Written by this guy who loves self insert character? Surely the entire show isn't about to take a tone shift?

S5 E3 Free to be You and Me - Sam and Dean are fighting again, but this time Dean has a new heavenly boy toy to play with instead. (Cas has no rizz yet it's actually a little painful to watch)

S5 E5 Fallen Idol - Okay the Wax People episode is on here for one reason and one reason only. Paris Hilton.

S5 E7 The Curious Case of Dean Winchester - Old man Dean and old man Bobby. This is also the episode for HH Husk kinnies.

S5 E8 Changing Channels - Dr Sexy MD is that you?!

S5 E9 The Real Ghostbuster - *in a grizzly voice* "I'm Dean Winchester, this is my brother Sam. Have you experienced anything strange?" "Dude that was so good! Now we can go solve the puzzle" "Man you're breaking the immersion!"

S5 E10 Abandon All Hope - This is here for Crowley's first appearance and not because the end will make you cry.

S5 E12 Swap Meat - "uh... its Audi Nos". Freaky Friday starring Sam Winchester! An angsty teen and April Kepner from Grey/Sloan Memorial Hospital.

S5 E16 Dark Side of the Moon - The Boys lives flash before their eyes. Dean is pissed forever about Sams.

S5 E19 Hammer of the Gods - this is for all my pagans out there!

S6 E4 A Weekend at Bobby's - What do you think this episodes about idjit.

S6 E15 The French Mistake -  “For whatever reason, our life is a TV show.” “Why?” “I don't know.” “No, seriously. Why? Why would anybody want to watch our lives?” 

S7 E4 Defending your Life - consequences? for fucking people over? how about you stand trial.

S7 E20 The Girl with the Dungeons and Dragons Tattoo - The self insert character made for us :) Luv u 4ever Charlie XD

S8 E4 Bitten - found footage will always scare. this one reminds me that this show started as a psuedo horror.

S8 E8 hunteri heroci - Cas tries his hand at being a hunter

S8 E12 As Time Goes By - FINALLY THEY ARE CARVING TRAPS INTO BULLETS

S8 E17 Goodbye Stranger - verbatim here are my notes for this episode "Cas chooses Dean, but the way he handles Meg... Fuck Naomi"

S8 E18 Clip Show - If you only want to watch just one episode of Supernatural this should be it. It's not actually a clip show, theres a broment, bonding time with favorite characters and crazy plots that only supernatural could get away with.

S9 E5 Dog Dean Afternoon - Dean is finally a dog person

S9 E11 First Born - Another bro fight leads to shipping <3 SamxCas + DeanxCrowley <3

S9 E15 #thinman - the slender episode feat. GHOSTFACERS. You come away from this episode thinking "supernatural is so fucking gay why wont the boys kiss"

S9 E21 King of the Damned - my favorite crowley era change my mind. Also the way the Boys interrogate an angel is so funny

S10 E5 Fan Fiction - I would unironically fuck w a supernatural musical and if helluva/hazbin taught me anything the rest of you would too

S10 E6 Ask Jeeves - The Clue episode. (Pay attention to the improvised weapons Dean chooses. It brings me joy)

S10 E9 The Things we Left Behind - Cas is suffering a midlife crisis and his besties are there to help him repair his relationship with his daughter. Funnily enough, Crowley is also getting some family bonding in.

Okay, I'm all caught up on my list. Should I have stayed up late transcribing this with an 8am class tommarow?

Probably not but it did bring me great joy. Tell me your favorite episode! I'll continue to add to my list as I continue my rewatch :)

[deviantartdramahub]

Sighhh so I really do hate to talk about the forums at all, because from what I saw, that place is an absolute shitstorm that's a headache to even begin to describe but...I just wanna reinforce a point I've been making for ages and give further proof of it. Someone may say it's dumb I'm repeating myself like that, but it's just the people I call out are very fucking stupid, and need things endlessly explained to them so they can have hopefully a shred of realization, and even then that's being too optimistic for their intelligence.

Sooo Evie, one of the morons attacking some good people I care about, specifically Club, one of my most best internet friends, and Tri, a person I don't know quite as well, but still a kind and calm person I know I can trust.

So the only reason people like her are attacking these two is bigotry. Purely bigotry. Club is autistic, and Tri is asexual, so asses who've never matured past high school like to target minorities like them to be cOoL aNd EdGy lolll.

I've already provided so much proof for this but...why not add some more, because as I've said, it's very unfortunately necessary when the bad people I have to deal with are completely brain-dead. So the forums, I've looked at the posts about them, and internally groaned at the thought of ever having to cover that shit myself. This will hopefully be the only time I do so. In the forums, I've seen Evie use slurs. Examples include...http://web.archive.org/web/20240516215957/https://www.deviantart.com/forum/community/complaints/2736800

https://www.deviantart.com/comments/18/2689626/5031912084 (In EdelgardMoon's thread...also Evie don't think your cringe-ass UWUifying the word gives you a pass lol, we know what you're trying to say.) AND SHE ALSO SAYS THE FUCKING N-SLUR IN EnryoAlpha's THREAD??? (Albeit once again butchered bc I guess this bitch thinks being SOOO QUIRKY AND RANDOM RAWR HEHEHEE XD makes it okay to say horrendous things lmao.)

Anyways Evie, it's clear to me you're a nasty person who doesn't give two shits about other people, you probably vomit at the very thought of giving another human being basic respect. You don't want to call out genuinely horrible people to help and protect others honey, nah, you just want to make up crap excuses for your bigotry, and it shows. I've got you in a corner, and I'm eagerly awaiting your excuses to escape. You're lucky you got that tail between your legs, or that kick in the groin would be real painful!

Anndd also, you may piss and whine about me harassing you or whatever lol, but I'm not gonna hear that shit when you actually do that for real everyday for funsies. Though I know you really are a coward, considering the fact on this very website you contacted me only to block me from saying anything else! XD

Fight the battles you start dear, lmao. You acting the way you do doesn't make you cool or funny, you're just pathetic and it's sad you're a full grown woman spending your life like this.

Anyways bye bye, God these people are getting more and more pathetic and laughable.

Agreed, regardless of her defense she might wish to give. Of note, she flunked school, so the school part may have another meaning.

[smytherines]

do you think maybe curt values spying so much because he is intensely aware of how much of a role it played in his and owen's relationship ever actually forming? that curt refuses to let go of it, even when owen's pointing a gun at him, because he doesn't know they're doomed for sure until nothing is as it was.

do you think maybe owen wanting to dismantle those systems is the ultimate symbol for his pain and anger and hatred, like how people avoid the spots their ex's used to take them to?

[I don't think I actually answered your question like... at all... but here's a fuckton of headcanon shit I wrote and never finished]

I think those are both accurate. I think for Curt, spying is the one thing he really feels like he is good at. That for a lot of reasons (but especially the ADHD and being gay) he's never going to feel comfortable or happy having a normal life, and by spying he gets to do something extraordinary. He gets to feel like a real important guy doing important work. He gets to feel valuable when so many people in his life have either said or implied that he has no value.

And that's before he even meets Owen. I think he really adores Owen, and maybe puts him on a pedestal a little bit (but also resents him for it). Owen is better at certain parts of the job- the planning, the stealth, the tactical and technological side of things. He has the things Curt lacks (and vice versa- that part is important). Together they are unstoppable.

Owen impresses Curt, and very few people actually manage to impress him because his RSD makes him maybe a bit too competitive sometimes- if he isn't the best then he must be the worst. So Curt wants to impress Owen too. He wants to not feel insecure in comparison. He sees this guy who is so good at the job and really fucking attractive and it makes him want to be better. To be clear, I'm not saying Owen is actually better, but that Curt's insecurity makes him constantly doubt himself in comparison (relatable).

So once they actually get together, that collaboration + competition element they've had going for however long they were Just Partners (maybe a couple of years) is still kinda there. It's still an element. He already got his sense of self-worth from the job, but now so much of it comes from how Owen sees him in the job.

I think there's also an element of... I dunno, this is some high gender headcanoning and definitely not in the purview of your question, but one thing I think about a lot is skinny autistic nerd Owen who has never done a sport in his goddamn life, thinking of Curt as a super masculine guy? And Curt feeling more masculine around Owen, because growing up people sorta clocked Curt as having some stereotypically feminine traits, which gave him a very fragile sense of his own masculinity. But when he's with someone he's comfortable with, and eventually someone he loves and trusts enough to know his secret, he feels a lot more confident in himself? Even if sometimes it is macho posturing, Owen loves him so maybe he is the right type of guy after all.

Maybe that's why his RSD becomes such a big issue in A1P1, because it feels like everyone is criticizing him at once and it just triggers that crisis for him, and he gets more ridiculous and cocky and becomes more of a daredevil the longer A1P1 goes on- he's trying to prove himself.

Ok enough of me getting distracted, back to the question- he knows that spying is the reason they met, the reason they got together, so its gone from being the thing he's good at to his entire world- when he's on the job he gets to feel good about himself AND he gets to see Owen. The only person who really knows who he is, and doesn't just accept him, but adores him.

I think that's why Curt convinces himself that Owen would want him to go back to the job- because that's where they were together. That's where they met. Their secret was only able to exist in that secret space- in hotels rooms and cars and abandoned buildings on missions. That if Curt can't have Owen anymore, at least he can maybe find comfort in the things they used to do together. He can get some small part of his self-confidence back.

I think for Owen, there is definitely an element of wanting to destroy any reminders of his relationship with Curt. We know so little about Owen canonically, so a lot of questions about his motivations are headcanon territory. So I can only say what I think here.

For me, Owen was accustomed to violence from a young age. We don't have a birthdate for him, but I picture him as *just slightly* too young to have served in WWII. I put him as born in 1928, making him 17 at the end of the war. In any case, if TCB was being sincere when they called London "Owen's hometown," he for sure lived through the Blitz. He saw his city being torn up, bombed, people leaving to fight a war and never coming home. Maybe sheltered in tube stations overnight, depending on his social class. And this would've happened for several formative years. WWII was a much more harrowing event for civilians in the UK than it was for civilians in the US.

So what does that have to do with spying? Well, I think it makes Owen more cautious, maybe more anxious for control over every little thing, he focuses his energy on making sure they avoid scenarios, and trusts Curt- who is good at creative problem solving and quick thinking and brawling- to take care of getting them out of trouble.

But, to me, growing up during WWII also instills in him this hatred of fascism (stick with me, I know that probably seems weird). I think he's less motivated by patriotism than Curt is, and more motivated by really fucking hating the people who made his childhood so difficult, who hurt so many people. And that motivation gets him through his first few years in MI6- he's one of the good guys. He's doing good things and punishing bad people.

But things change a lot in the immediate post-war period. He joined up because his side was the good side. But then the Americans via Operation Paperclip and the British via T-Force recruit hundreds of Nazi scientists for work in their respective countries. And the longer he works for MI6, the less he feels like a good guy saving the world. The more he feels like a hired gun killing without question or reason, doing coups, gradually becoming someone he doesn't like or respect, someone who isn't just good at violence but who genuinely enjoys it. The longer he does it the more he starts to have doubts about his job- except by this point his job is how he gets to see the man he loves, so he can't quit.

One very interesting thing about Spies for me is that any time DMA is onstage with BVN, he very clearly despises him. If you want to make your villain unambiguously terrible, having him genuinely align with Nazis is a good way to do that. But that doesn't happen with DMA. He is always either irritated by BVN, or doing an incredibly over the top appeasement (and making faces every time BVN's back is turned). Of the five people we see DMA/Owen kill post-fall, three of them are Nazis. He hates Nazis. Whatever else broke in him after his fall, I think that sort of instinctual memory of being a kid during the Blitz remains.

To be clear, as much as I wish he was, I don't think Owen is some great anti-fascist, anti-capitalist, anti-imperialist fighter. I think post-fall he is motivated by things he hates (the government that controlled his life and put him in that weapons facility and left him for dead), whereas Curt is motivated by a strong emotional response towards things he loves (his naive idealistic idea of America and patriotism and being The Good Guys).

That being said, I do think a strong part of why Owen specifically wants to destroy spying as an institution is partially to erase the thing that brought Curt into his life, partially to make sure Curt can never return to the thing that almost got Owen killed (except Curt returns just slightly too early and ruins that plan), but also that he just genuinely understands the post-war geopolitical situation. That his country and the US and the Russians are fighting proxy wars against each other, that everyone has their finger hovering over the nuclear button, that technology and surveillance are the way of the future. He can't, or simply doesn't want to, rejoin the side he used to fight for. He doesn't want to be part of nations battling each other for supremacy.

But with Chimera he has the opportunity to operate in the shadows. To destroy the system that destroyed him, and to carve out a place of power for himself. To be king of the ashes. To be so powerful that nothing can ever hurt him like that again. As an MI6 agent he had almost no control over any part of his life, and it almost killed him. With Chimera, he gets to be part of making the rules.

Regardless of whether it's true or not, Owen certainly seems to think that he will be the one in charge of Chimera's surveillance system. So either he knows he isn't going to expose himself as a gay man, or maybe he hasn't been with a man since Curt and truly thinks that he no longer has a secret. I could certainly see him being so injured and detached from his own body that he has stopped having intimate relationships with anyone, so he may think that makes him safe even if he doesn't have absolute control.

[oswald-can-draw]

About your mlp infection au!! I love this one so much I'm so interested!! Maybe give us a rundown of a couple of the survivors and how equestrias chances are looking? How did the ponies infected by black magic change and mutate? Can spike or other species like dragons, griffins and zebras get infected since they dont have cutiemarks? Are foals who dont have cutiemarks yet immune until they get their cutiemark? How does that play in? Im so sorry if this is too many questions, I really love this au and I think its really cool!!! Its a really well thought out idea and I think its awesome!!! :D I hope you have a nice day! ❤️

Someone being an autistic beast about my work is the highest compliment, so never apologize for that!

But, boy howdy, have we got a lot of ground to cover!

Let’s take it step by step:

1. FOALS

Foals (or those without their cutie mark), are a very complex cog in this AU. On one hand, they don’t have their cutie mark, so they can’t be infected, as there is no magic to corrupt. Great!

The bad news? Getting one’s cutie mark is often an unplanned thing, which means any foal can become susceptible to the Meanie Mark Virus at any time. There are many ways to deal with this.

One common one is to wrap the foal’s flank with compression gauze. Half a desperate idea, and half a way to forget their child’s vulnerability (or to hide when they DO get a cutie mark). Somepony suggested that it could “keep back” a cutie mark, and the rest of the populace decided to go with it.

Another way is to just try and keep the foal from anything that interests them. This works to a point, but the stress from their friends and family on the brink of death every day, and now any sliver of joy that they can find in this hellscape is strictly forbidden. This can cause a once rare, but quickly becoming more common developmental condition known as “Muted Cutie”. This causes a cutie mark to appear, but it’s based off of an outside tension, such as familial pressure, cutie conditions, and lack of input. It’s like a magical wisdom tooth — keeping the actual cutie mark from developing and causing pain and stress to the pony.

The third option is a last resort: quietly “taking care” of foals that were of cutie mark age or freshly marked.

Having a foal of a certain age can bar you from going into certain populated areas, getting ample supplies, and even contact with other ponies.

Of course, this is EXTREMELY traumatizing for the foal. Feeling like they aren’t wanted and that they aren’t allowed even the smallest of joys can make life miserable.

2. OTHER SPECIES

* Zecora’s redesign is based off of the Karo tribe, a small tribe famous for body painting and self expression. Though I have done as much research as I can, there is still room for error. If there is something inaccurate, please let me know so I can fix the redesign accordingly.

Other species may not get the Meanie Mark illness, per se, but they do have reactions to parts of the evil clones that seep into the soil or the corpses of already infected ponies.

Griffins, for example, get something similar to food poisoning, with nausea, vomiting, and unseasonal molting. This is their body attempting to purge the toxins. Their flying also becomes affected, with severe bouts of vertigo and lost sense of direction. For the average, healthy griffin, this usually only lasts a week or so. However, if a griffin is elderly, injured, or any sort of health condition, this infection could be fatal. Fortunately, since griffins are so far from the Everfree Forest and spend so little time on the ground, this sickness is very rare, especially with certain security measures set in place.

Dragons are even luckier. Their stomachs are able to digest any trace of the infection, neutralizing it before it can cause any real damage. However, there is a phenomenon that has been unearthed due to dragons. The gems found near their volcano-filled home can actually be infused with the disease. The only sign of this having occurred is a slightly darker hue and a “rotten” taste, according to the dragons. A few dragons have been enlisted to dispose of infected material, as them consuming it is the only way it can be disposed of without putting more ponies at risk. Not many are up for the task.

Zebras, on the other hoof, have quite the reaction to infected material. While they aren’t infected with the true disease, the special, magical markings and body paint can give the bacteria something to feed on. This can cause weakness, confusion, gastrointestinal distress, rashes, burns, irritability, and even aggression. Zebras often have to be quarantined from the rest of their tribe in order to keep the disease from spreading and the victim from hurting anyone or anything. Removal of paint and markings can help, and are often reapplied after recovery, with additional markings showing their bravery, strength, and health. Unfortunately, some of them do not survive.

Any other living thing, including birds, mammals, plant life, and insects all have generally poor reactions upon exposure. Common themes in symptoms include weakness, vomiting, and confusion. Plants will turn away from the sun. Dogs will whine and curl into a ball. Birds will run into things and screech. Survival depends on the age, health, size, and care plan of a creature. Among them, usually about 73% survive.

Though no other species has the guaranteed death from the disease that ponies do, it can still cause some nasty, or even deadly, side effects.

3. BLACK MAGIC

Since the Meanie Mark Illness is already a form of black magic, just more widespread and deadly, the disease has horrendous effects on those who have already succumbed to dark magic.

Though it’s a rare instance, the phenomenon has been observed. Whether the black magic or the illness comes first, it always begins and ends the same way:

First, a pony becomes much, MUCH more powerful. Instead of gradually gaining this talent through the virus, their black magic reaches a feverish pitch. The pony begins to have uncontrollable displays of magic, usually of the destructive kind. Explosions, rays, death, and evil spells emanate from them without stopping. This has caused many hasty villains to try and catch the famous Meanie Mark Illness — with this power, they think, taking over the world would be easy.

Second, the two opposing powers battling for control inside the pony begin to destroy the victim from the inside. See, the reason why ponies become a husk-like corpse and turn to dust at the end of the Meanie Mark’s cycle is because of the Tree of Harmony’s magic fighting the dark magic of the virus, which ends up destroying the pony in the process. But with the black magic far overpowering the Tree of Harmony, the pony has a different problem — their body can’t handle such raw power.

The pony’s hair begins to fall out, their veins swell, their skin begins to blacken with gangrene as less and less blood goes to extremities. The pony ends up rotting from the inside out, black sludge oozing from their mouth and eyes, magic still pouring out of them. Their cutie mark, both subdued from the virus and given immense power from the black magic, sputters and shines and pulses.

Finally, a pony will die within a few days, their corpse zombified and rotting. However, those who do survive the ordeal have poor quality of life, as their joints, brains, and some of their organs hardly work anymore. They will live either as a wandering corpse or a patient for their friends and family to take care of until their demise in the near future.

In other words, this is a quicker but much more painful death!

4. CHANCES FOR EQUESTRIA?

This disease can be spread very easily, especially among unicorns. If an infected unicorn casts a spell on another pony, they too will catch Meanie Mark. Other than that, a pony either has to come in contact with infected soil/plant life, an animal that has eaten said infected material, or a corpse. This means that, though the illness will be slow to spread at first, it will pick up speed as time goes on.

With the emphasis on foals and the amount that are being killed for mercy or safety’s sake, repopulating is going to be difficult.

As for a cure…perhaps the dragons can help, since they are the only one’s completely immune? Or maybe they could at least offer hints about how to stop this horrible disease?

All this to say — there is a chance of survival. But is Equestria quick enough to find a cure? Or at least keep the disease at bay?

BONUS - SURVIVORS (NOT COMPLETE):

1. Spike: Being a dragon has its perks. But being surrounded by ponies does not.

2. Big Mac: The pony you would want in an apocalypse. Still mourning the infection of his sisters.

3. Discord: Could he even…get sick? Isn’t he part pony? But he doesn’t have a cutie mark…

4. Rainbow Dash: Cloudsdale is on lockdown, and isn’t allowing anypony in or out. But it’s like herding winged cats.

5. Winona: Aids Big Mac. Since eating an infected piece of flesh, she avoids the infected like the plague.

6. Sweetie Belle: Was staying with Scootaloo right before Rarity got infected. Apple Bloom would have come, but she didn’t feel well…

7. Scootaloo: Her inventions are invaluable. But her lack of a quick way to escape could be the death of her one day.

[mobblespsycho100]

👍 kabru, heh

thank you so much mwahaha

1. Bottom Line by Dom Fera

I think this song is very Kabru in a this has big "customer service" vibes, lmao.

"Drive me somewhere you've been liking" -> hes a people pleaser, letting someone take the reins while he supports them and hangs back is kind of his thing. Even though he plans stuff out and chooses his words deliberately, sometimes he goes along with ppl's wants and expectations for him a bit too much...

"Order something I don't want, I'll drink it anyway" -> basically Kabru when he had to eat the harpy eggs Laios offered lmao. 'Right, i hate this so much this is Monster. okay. wow i need to kill you' hes literally triggered (in the ptsd term sense and not the. warped internet meaning of it) and he's still like okay ! i will dig in ! to prove a point ! so laios likes and trusts me! (... what point kabru . cmon man. )

"Take a little time, it's funny how you're fine when I'm away -> he needs to be needed. He needs to help others, save them even, to protect them from the tragedy he has experienced. He's used to being dismissed and he does swallow it and take it but ik he was so 🤨😧😠 abt laios ignoring him and all the attempts to get to know him... so its like take a lil tine its funny how ur fine when im away ... Kabru knows Laios is the closest to conquering the dungeon. and hes like. I rlly wanna help u do this but . ik ur probably fine without me (... man he makes me . so 😭)

"It's natural to see a bottom line with me / A bottom line I'll be" -> A bottom line in business is like the final total right. The sum of everything thats written at the bottom. The ultimate outcome... the core. The fate of the dungeon is something he wants to decide and get a say in as well. Even though he knows he isn't the one thats going to conquer it, he chooses to stop Mithrun from beating up Thistle and grabs him and they free fall into that pit. Because he decided, yeah, the fate of this dungeon the one to conquer it has to be us short-lived races/humans. He is such an action oriented character . He makes such decisions. He is so determined to make sure that Utaya doesn't repeat itself. Man.

Anyway that's song 1. moving on to song 2.

2. Smoke and Mirrors by Gotye

This entire song is So Kabru coded its insane to me . but I grabbed these lyrics from Verse 3 Because the last line specifically makes. me go crazy.

"You're a fraud, and you know it" -> the freaking masker . he is such a liar and he knows it... theres not much else to say here. Playing the hero, the saviour, while knowing he doesn't actually have the skills to defeat the dungeon but hes just so desperate . man

"And every night and day you take the stage" -> he should get an acting award fr... always adjusting his personality and carefully planning his steps with each person he interacts with man... also inchtresting to me that he gets to be more #real with Mithrun. thats a whole nother analysis can of worms I won't get into but like they rlly drove each other's character development...

"And it always entertains, you're giving pleasure" -> To quote Holm, Kabru is the typa guy who would do anything to get someone to like him akdjskhf hes so real for that...

"And that's admirable, you tell yourself" -> (kabru voice) im so cool for this ahaha everyone loves me (guy who genuinely fucking loathes himself) /ref

"And so you'd gladly sell yourself to others" -> smile of pain. I just think hes a real business man sometimes . Goodness Kabru stop being a charismatic salesman of your own personality im going to explode .

Right. we're on to the last one I guess...

3. Dear Arkansas Daughter by Lady Lamb

GENUINELY cannot really do this analysis lyric by lyric or I will go ... well. I'll go into the deep end but . like . right. anyway. this set of lyrics above aka the most popular line is very Kabru appearance. (Goodness i need to make an AMV of this. I will one day once the executive dysfunction stops fighting my autistic hyperfixation ass)

THIS WHOLE . SET OF LYRICS IS JUST BIG KABRU VIBES (SOURCE: JUST TRUST ME BRO)... His heart is full of swords... the sword fighter (he is proficient in many weapons)... im not big into tarot (or well i havent researched it much) but the annotations for these lyrics said that its referencing the Three of Swords tarot card, which represents painful sorrow. and like.. man like a fundamental sorrow in Kabru is so oughh its just so . real. and again i need a whole nother analysis post for this since this is already So long

Tie my hands & knock my knees. he is so stressed he is so . nervous all the time and these r like. the freeze . trauma response. to me. he goes freeze and fawn a lot (fawn not specifically with abusers per say but like people pleasing tendencies again) and like kind of visibly looking nervous and stressed out up before saying smth next is smth he does a lot I feel.

And like the vibe of like sinking to the sea with a heavy heart but also being someone who brings hope in a way to others (ex: Rin and Mithrun, he ends up being their anchor and helping them start like living with their lives after the burden of their traumas and hellish experiences) but Kabrus own traumas are so immense and then the person who rises . who foils him and who brings him hope is Laios. like a ripe red apple like. something bright and tempting and also dangerous (smth smth the forbidden fruit symbolism. theres so much . like Kabru that I can dissect with like Biblical symbolism themes but like anyway he sees Laios as both the key to humanity's victory against the dungeon and as sin / a distraction from his goal because Laios makes him do selfish things and its just AAAAHGHH rahhhh. man. im normal)

ANYWAY YEAH ... that wraps this up. Thank you for sending this ask ❣️💌 I am very normal abt Kabru of Utaya dungeon meshi

[halfbit]

meet the serpent's quest gang

its been ages since i drew them but everyone say hi to (left to right) wolf, lily, and solei, the main three in serpent's quest!!

they bond over medical debt and then get involved in dubious under-the-table business in order to pay it off and accidentally end up in a series of increasingly wild events leading them into the heart of a nation's purposely lost history that spirals into killing a self-made god to save two worlds.

here's some mini profiles for them:

WOLF (scummy protagonist) ~ early 20s / intj / flower magic / he's like if an assassin rogue was a healer and would rather be somewhere else / isekai'd trans guy, really good at being a dick, autistic, and always stressed about money. always happy to make more. very nihilistic about the world, but also very optimistic when it comes to his potential success? he would probably kin plankton. he also tends to see himself and others in black in white, and assumes either the absolute best or the absolute worst. he doesn't care what people think of him unless he needs them for something.

LILY (the heart, also very confused) ~ 12-14 / isfp istp / shield magic / she's a tank until she shatters her own shield, and then you're fucked / isekai'd she's too busy suppressing her traumas to address things about herself yet, but she'll probably have realizations later. she is also autistic and doesn't realize yet either. her key word is nuance and ambiguity, she's in flux a lot, uncertain of everything, including what she wants, who she wants to be, and whether she can actually do any of it. she tries to hide a lot of her feelings and "stay positive" which makes her initially appear to be just bubbly and kind of childish. she wants to be liked by others.

SOLEI (moral compass but like. complicit) ~ 19-22 / enfj / beast magic / primary damage dealer, turns into a fluffy snow leopard thing / he's just from here he's like if a guy who was up in people's business was polite and well-meaning about it. loves to talk, has friends everywhere, and on good terms with most of his old colleagues. he has some strong opinions but he usually doesn't actually express them since he doesn't like making a scene. the more you think about him, the more he becomes a lil hmmm. the "guy who gets along with everybody is a friend of nobody" type, and he doesn't realize how that looks. always downplaying, mediating, and playing the field. cares more about appearances than he lets on.

this is probably the best intro i'm sharing anytime soon so!! enjoy

i promise serpent's quest is a goofy and fun isekai. you can trust me. there is only a little violence and blood. and dramatic moments of trying to save someone from destroying themselves (repeated). and being angry at god. and they kiss too i guess. but it's not focused on that, it's mostly about the killing god and becoming okay with yourself. and making a new home when you can't return to the one you lost. and the little moments where you learn to put some faith into people. and the painful ones when you realize you can't. but also just goofy fantasy stuff. they ride big ass geese that used to eat people. there's huge turtles that preserve ancient languages, with their shells the canvas telling the stories of the generations of past. there's some weird mythology that is sometimes real and sometimes just stories. there's a river to the sky. there's long-dead giants. there's underground dungeons. there's a complete disregard for the safety and well-being of the disenfranchised from the government. there's also these weird water cats that can parrot human speech. there's something happening here, and it's much bigger than anyone realizes.

[starflungwaddledee]

Ok but what if she went to waddle Dee town in the forgotten land and all the waddle Dee’s just accepted her because they are really nice and not rude and they accept her and she has fun and a good time please I really need this for her

i considered drawing something out to this, and making it a happy ending sort of thing, because i think this is extremely sweet as a concept and i understand the desire for it!

that said, i decided that it would be a disservice to the lore i'm building for her, my biology/magic headcanons, and also the waddle dees as a whole. i might still draw it some day, because i could absolutely perceive a way it would work (ie: all waddle dee signatures messed up by Elfilis's portals, or their magic sensitivity nuked by it.) and i think it would be lovely

but for now, i have too many other things on the backburner to get to this promptly, and i wanted to answer this one sooner rather than leaving it for months

i will say, they're not being rude to her! there might be the odd one or two who is a bit snide, but there are some of those in every society. as a general rule the waddle dees not only understand that she is struggling, they want to accept and help her. many of them even know she's lonely, and feel pretty bad about it. but it's hard, and not just because she makes people uneasy!

i draw parallels with starstruck's gummed up magical signature to autism, as i'm autistic and so by merit (as a sona), so is she. but there are some parts that do not line up with the way autism functions in our world, and one of them is that touching or being around her can be genuinely, literally painful for some of the very sensitive waddle dees.

despite that, her waddle dee doctors actually pushed through it while she was in the castle dedede infirmary. because they were determined to treat her (mostly-surface-seeming) injuries and help her feel better. and they apologised for the reactions that they couldn't control anymore than she could control her signature; the various "sorry"s she parrots in this comic are implied to be from waddle dee doctors.

it's a fine line in alien-storytelling, especially with a real world disability parallel, and i'm trying to tread it as carefully as i can. but i don't intend to villainise the waddle dees at all for their reaction to her; they truly can't help it. many of them even do their best to push through it if she comes into their vicinity, especially because she often arrives with Beloved Celebrity, Captain Bandana Waddle Dee. but like a lot of us, she can tell when she's being tolerated, and so as a rule she just sort of tries to avoid it, one way or another

[thousandyearphantombunker]

"just give them an aac device!"

"just teach them sign language"

"body language and facial expressions alone are good enough for communicating what you need"

Nonononono f*!k off. Stop acting like nonverbal people have easy solutions to their lack of verbality. Not everyone can use an aac device- some people struggle with spelling or can't spell at all, some people have motor skills issues that makes typing a nightmare that takes a long time, some can't articulate themselves without outside help. Learning sign is hard if you again have motor skills issues or struggle to make facial expressions that convey what your feeling (flat affect applies to more than just a person's voice- some people really struggle to make facial expressions and have stilted or strange body language- you people can understand why autistic people get burnt out from masking all day- you know often having to control their body language and make certain facial expressions etc yet you can't understand why nonverbal autistics can't just learn sign- a language very heavy on facial expressions and expressive body language?) also again spelling and motor skill issues are a pain and also a lot of families with deaf or nonverbal children refuse to learn sign for said children and I'm sorry in day to day life I haven't met many people who speak sign- yeah you can move to a community with a lot of deaf or nonverbal people that use sign but that's not always possible and its very limiting. And do I even have to explain the third one- autistic body language is confusing to neurotypicals and I hate the stereotype that its just so blunt and obvious/better than neurotypical communication- maybe that's what its like for you and your 'smart sheldon cooper/Wednesday Addams' style autism but not every autistic person 'says exactly what they mean' often times autistic people struggle with semantics and articulating sentences that make any sense! and all these misunderstandings surrounding stimming are annoying to!- spinning can be a 'happy' stim but it can also mean your overwhelmed or understimulated, a lot of people with autism have voices that lack inflections, mix that in with being unable to use words and no it does not help communicate their needs- f!*k off with acting like its easy not all autistic people who are nonverbal can spell, not all autistic people w are nonverbal have good motor skills and body language alone is never enough to convey a persons needs. Before anyone comes after me yes Sign is body language but its also actual symbols and can convey full thoughts and ideas and sentences and also body language is hard for a lot of autistic people to convey like stated above.

Not every form autistic communication is being 'logical' and unoffended because 'we're just more logical than those superfluous, shallow neurotypicals that let their feelings control them and are never direct about what they want-we value facts and logic unlike those butthurt neurotypicals' and being overly blunt- no a lot of autistic people find that communication is messy and the ways they can communicate are ineffective and your 'logical, facts dont care about your feelings' style of communication isn't as amazing as you think it is. Stop speaking over nonverbal autistics- their is no real perfect solution to them not being able to speak. And I'm gonna say it- while not all nonverbal people are low functioning or high support needs or whatever the new term is-being nonverbal is a massive disadvantage and having your disability be visible like that is scary in many situations and being unable to communicate your needs can make it impossible to meet your needs-

[lunarlegend]

vent post.

i'm really fucking sick of the way people use the internet to diagnose themselves with autism.

i used to support self-diagnosis because mental healthcare is extremely flawed, and i understand how difficult it is to find a good therapist/psychologist (not to mention how draining the whole diagnosis process can be). i also understand that there are legitimate reasons for not wanting an official diagnosis, because of how prevalent ableism still is, and how disability is treated in many places.

however.

this current trend of using autism as the latest "uwu i'm so autistic" internet craze is unacceptable, and it's drowning the voices of actual autistic people.

social media has taken all the "cute", "endearing", and otherwise "pretty" aspects of autism and left the rest, so us real life autistics (whose autism is DEFINITELY not always pretty) become overshadowed in our own spaces and get treated like we're weird for displaying actual traits of autism that aren't just "really liking a character" or "getting startled by a loud noise".

i got professionally diagnosed with autism in 2001 at the age of 12, after years of my parents being told i had "emotional problems" because no one knew how else to explain my "temper tantrums", which were actually intense autistic meltdowns that i'd have every time plans got changed or something caused me to get sensory overloaded.

i would lose sleep, tossing and turning in my bed to the point of tears, because i couldn't stand the texture of my flannel pajamas on my skin. i would endure hugs from my mother that were supposed to be comforting, because her light touches actually caused me pain.

i was constantly dragged around, forced into situations that made me overwhelmed and uncomfortable, and then blamed when i became so upset i couldn't calm down. things that most kids would enjoy, like a daytrip to an amusement park, overloaded my senses to the point where i couldn't sleep afterwards because all the lights and sounds and smells would stay stuck in my head for hours.

and that's not even when it got "bad". because as i got older, i started having shutdowns instead of meltdowns. shutdowns meaning, my brain would go into lockdown mode as a defense mechanism, and i'd lose my ability to speak or make eye contact with anyone. this happened anytime i was forced into an uncomfortable situation, and i had absolutely no control over when i'd be able to talk or look at anyone again.

and guess what? all of this came right along with my special interests, and social awkwardness, and all the "cute" parts of autism that the internet loves to romanticise. because actual autism is distressing. it causes you to be misunderstood and isolated. it causes adults to not know how to care for you or react to you. it causes you to hate yourself for no reason, because obviously you must be the problem.

i'm happy to say that, as an adult in my 30s, i no longer feel ashamed for being autistic, and i've long since forgiven myself for the ways i had to survive when i was younger. but i still get sensory overloaded. i still have to avoid certain textures, certain places, certain smells. i still hate to be touched. i still suck at socializing (even though i've become REALLY good at faking it).

the difference is, i have control over my life now, when i didn't before. and i can prevent myself from becoming as upset as i once did. but a lot of us aren't so privileged. there are plenty of autistic adults who cannot care for themselves, and who still experience meltdowns and shutdowns the same way i did when i was a child. because autism isn't pretty. and it's considered a disability for a reason.

all of which is to say, i'm absolutely fucking tired of seeing the word "autistic" thrown around like any old adjective in half the profiles on this site. if you actually think you're autistic, go talk to a professional. if you decide not to seek a formal diagnosis after that, fine. but at least you got an opinion from somewhere other than a fucking tiktok video. and if all you're going by is a fucking tiktok video? then you're probably not autistic and you have no right to go around describing yourself as such.

[divinebunnii]

This is a genuine question because I don't have ADHD so I don't know what it's like. (I have OCD and worry a lot.) I have a coworker who is rude and yell at me when stressed (which is often) and she has ADHD. I once met someone else with ADHD who said apologizing was hard for her because it made her very emotional. My coworker never apologizes but I notice that she will try to be nicer than usual after yelling at me. I do feel resentful at her but I also understand that she's not doing it to hurt me but I also feel like I don't deserve to get yelled at. But I'm afraid that if I talk to her about it it's gonna trigger another meltdown so I just try to ignore it.

What would you have prefered if you were in that situation?

so, as someone who suffers from childhood trauma, CPTSD, have borderline personality disorder, on top of being adhd autistic, it is totally rude. having spent the last 10 years of my life getting as much control over my snap reactions is something I do not take lightly, because if you genuinely don’t want to react that way, you do whatever you can to not react that way. it’s fucking hard, especially without medication, but we have to be able to reflect on what we’ve done / did and try to rationalize that it’s not appropriate behavior.

I’m not saying it’s controllable, but taking accountability and apologizing is not something that should be put on the back burner. if apologizing makes you emotional, like it does me, do it fucking anyway. if the conversation is uncomfortable or awkward, have it fucking anyway. ESPECIALLY in a work environment, the last time I worked a job in the real world I went fucking crazy on one of my bosses that didn’t deserve it, and I have regretted not apologizing and explaining myself ever since. If you let that shit just slide, it will always happen again and again. It’s sucks, but we HAVE to recondition our brains to accept that what we did was wrong, and keep training ourselves to not respond in those instant, negative ways every single time. And it is possible, it takes time, it takes work, it takes really wanting to not wallow in the pit of our triggers and grow from them to be a better person, not just to be kinder to ourselves, but for those around us, that have to be around us. They don’t deserve it either, and that perspective can move mountains.

in my opinion, the only time it’s acceptable is when someone is genuinely pushing you. but if it’s a snap, an instant, and you can recognize it wasn’t an okay reaction to have, you MUST be an adult and take responsibility. we might not have meant it, but we still DID it, and that must be addressed. Otherwise we will never have the coping tools and mechanisms to avoid rumination / spirals. And that girl will never grow from those reactions.

I still have moments I can’t catch myself, because I went through a fucking lot of shit in my childhood. There are things that get me for a week or more and I can’t pull myself out, but I have learned to regulate those feelings for the most part, after the fact. I used to go into blackout rages, I used to throw things, kick holes in walls, etc etc. it got to the point where I had to ooooo at myself and say “do I want to feel this way every time? Do I want to feel that pit of guilt for having a poor reaction?”

I fortunately had a very understanding and caring husband, who supported me and gave me the real talk when it needed to be real. he has always given me calm and kindness in my moments of weakness, which is how I think it should be approached. Resentment can be felt, which only amplifies quick negative reactions. we can train ourselves to not negatively respond to a trigger immediately, we can condition ourselves to understand that being an adult that functions as well as we can around others means taking accountability, taking responsibility, and genuinely trying to help ourselves from the pain we feel in that moment.

but if you’re asking how I would approach her in general, I’d still mention it every single time. “I know you’re stressed, I didn’t / don’t deserve that”. Apologizing, holding yourself to a better mindset, it’s possible, it just takes calm and supportive words and energies sometimes.

this is a long winded way of saying just because you feel guilty for reacting a way doesn’t give you the right to blow it off like nothing. own up, and just keep growing.