#I think I'm a lot more aware of it now. which honestly is probably safer for me bc who wants to fall over?

[afniel]

God damn I'm tired and extra dizzy today, which I've figured out some of why that happens. Evidently that's my reaction to overstimulation fatigue. Good to know, explains a lot. No idea what to do about it and I did expect to have some sucky days after going to San Francisco anyway so it's whatever, but it's nice to have figured out a specific trigger.

Except that's cool and all but I almost couldn't fold laundry today because it involved a lot of looking up and down and that was unnecessarily rough. This was after sleeping like 11 hours because my shit-ass tired-ass brain demanded a hard reboot more or less, and I'm still kind of gross today even so. Kind of glad they rescheduled the root canal I was gonna have Tuesday for like two weeks out, because I am probably not gonna be quite recovered for another week at least and dental work fucks me up also so that would have been an Everything Hurty Syndrome 2x Combo.

Bleh. At least when I'm writing chronic illness/disability it's some own voices legit type ass shit, but does it have to be, because I could do without this. My whole me hurts and nothing seems to help and also turning my head too fast will knock me the hell over. Good times. ✌️😔

[zeroakun27]

Jimmy is an egotistical, delusional, and narcissistic person who wasn't capable to be a leader and a manipulative person as well. He r-word anya, literally make Curly not being able to do anything and literally the reason why Daisuke and Swansea died

Sunny is a child, he pushed Mari out of stress and fear, he suffered a lot due to the traumatic incident he had to witness plus the grief and guilty due to the consequences of his actions

Honestly, I am baffled as to how you think this two characters are the same, you probably need to seek a brain specialist and check your neurons, I'm sure God gave you a wrong patterns recognition. And hey maybe you can test your IQ in there and have some advice to get smarter.

Also, a friend of mine decided to come up with rebuttal

First of all, his murder of his sister was not an impulsive decision. The game doesn't indicate that Mari physically restrained him to stop him from running away. This means that instead of reacting like a realistic 12 yo child and running away to someplace safer - either his bedroom or the bathroom, which both were on the same floor they were having their argument on - Sunny consciously employed physical force.

Yes, but as we are both entitled to using non canon materials (the album captions are considered non-canon), I shall use mine:

This video: timestamp 0:35 Mari screams “Where do you think you’re going?”

Anyone with reasonable deductive skills can see what she means by this. The timeline was as follows:

Pre 0:35: Sunny attempts to get away. There would be no reason for him to pull his sister as he’s getting away, so there’s no contact, 0:35: Mari screams “Where do you think you’re going”, 0:37: Mari falls down the stairs.

Now in those 2 seconds, who is more likely to make first contact? The angry one or the one getting away.

Bingo.

Mari grabbed Sunny, closing the distance between them, and Sunny having a flight or fight response (normal for a human being, by the way) and shoving her off him, thus down the stairs.

Voila.

consistent pattern of being an ass.

Let me address each argument for you.

(Apparently) was aware of Aubrey's troubled situation at home, wasn't shown doing anything of note to help and/or support her

What can a ten to twelve year old do other than talk to their friend and make sure they’re okay? (Which Sunny did do a lot with Aubrey by the way, shown through the video montage of “Duet”).

Whined about having to help his friends build their treehouse

What twelve year old wouldn’t complain MENTALLY? It’s not being an ass, if he was, he would’ve outwardly said all those things. It’s just that mentally he doesn’t want to do it. But he does because he knows it's only fair to the others. That’s called respecting other people and compromising for them.

Threw a tantrum that resulted in the death of his sister because he couldn't watch cartoons for as long as he'd have liked

Once again, I am allowed to point at non canon as you have.

0:04: Sunny says “Gosh, you-”

0:05-0:014: Unintelligible

0:15: The violin crashes

Firstly, no one screams “Gosh, you-” without the other having not done anything.

Secondly: Do you really think Mari stayed silent for those 9 seconds of unintelligible noise?

Was throwing the violin down the stairs the best option? No. Do I think it was just caused because he didn’t get to watch cartoons? No. Mari obviously said something to provoke it.

Blamed Mari for the argument as if she forced him to practice even though he himself begged her to let him join her

Something tells me you don’t have younger siblings tbh. It’s very normal for kids to want something at first, but change their minds later after they realise the work that has to be put in. (E.g: Wanting to go to school when they’re younger but hating it as soon as they start) Also, you’re disregarding Sunny’s motive: He never wanted to do violin because he loved the violin. He just wanted to spend more time with Mari.

Also to address “ as if she forced him to practice “

You think a 15 year old whose parents booked a venue for their recital wouldn’t be pressured and in turn pressure their younger sibling into making it PERFECT? Just food for thought.

Chose to resolve his argument with Mari by violence even though he had the option to run away instead

Already addressed this :) 

Was relieved that he got away with accidentally killing his sister

For someone who has a brain and must scream, it sure seems otherwise. Do read what it says. “For a moment, you feel at peace. You hate yourself for feeling this way.” He was relieved, sure. But he hated himself for that. Because he didn’t want to feel relief.

Chose to lie to his friends by omission and let them believe they had somehow failed Mari due of the assumed nature of her death as a suicide, irreversibly scarring them

Chose to let Basil take the fall for blacking out Mari's photos in the photo album, which entailed Basil becoming the target of Aubrey's bullying and wore Basil's mental health down to near-psychosis by the time of the game's events*

Half of the game is just showing the consequences to Sunny doing that though. It's portrayed as a bad thing. It’s also realistic to those experiencing PTSD or shock. I don’t want to make this too long (it’s already 800 ish words) so just read it here https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/post-traumatic-stress-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-2035596

Walked out on Basil - his best friend - when the latter had a mental breakdown despite Basil begging him to stay

Considered leaving Basil to his death as a legitimate option, twice

Seems to have been content with thinking of doing nice things for Basil (e.g. watering Basil's plants in his dream world) as opposed to actually trying to support him in the real world

Walked out on Hero after seeing him crying over the piano

Again, just read up on the link I sent earlier. Specifically avoidance. It’s not morally correct but that doesn’t mean it’s in his control either.

Wasn't shown to feel any guilt or shame from having a picnic with the people he lied to near his dead sister's grave

I don’t know if you’ve played the game, but you like to bring up “Sunny and the player aren’t separate” so… Have you ever thought that maybe, just maybe the reason Sunny doesn’t show any guilt in-game is because he’s discovering the truth as much as we, the player are? Just food for thought

Twisted the supportive words of the people he lied to to alleviate his own self-loathing over committing manslaughter

This is just a wrong interpretation entirely lmfao. The battle against OMORI isn’t a battle against self loathing. It’s a battle against the denial that kept him from telling the truth to begin with. Sunny doesn’t kill himself in the bad ending because he hates himself. He kills himself in the bad ending because he wants to hide the truth and knows he can’t do it for much longer. Why do you think he doesn’t end up killing himself in a majority of the hikikomori routes even though OMORI has taken over?

Told his friends the truth shortly before having to move town, thus avoiding the direct consequences of his confession and leaving Basil behind again to face them alone

Not exactly his choice as I’ve said earlier.

Is only concerned with how his friends' pain affects himself at the end of the day

Can’t say much about it (I’m a little stupid  and can’t be bothered to spend over an hour doing this) other than I wanna see an analysis of My Time next. Sure it's not made for the game, but it was chosen for a reason.

What Sunny did was the fault of an irrational mindset

What Sunny did was the fault of him being a child witnessing a traumatic incident being led by another child who witnessed the same incident and then the rest are just the effects of PTSD. A majority of the reason the incident took place the way it did can be explained by: Sunny’s in worse shock than Basil due to him having to process that he was the one who killed his sister, and Basil just wants to protect him. If anything, Basil's at fault.

”Lol I just got off the hook”

Lol I explained this already. You used the same point twice.

Sunny is forgivable because he was a child who was not in a good rational mindset and made an impulsive decision with much more dire consequences than anticipated

Jimmy is not forgivable because he was an adult who had to make several conscious decisions to do what he did and does nothing but repeat his horrible behaviour

Both games are about forgiveness but two completely different ends of that spectrum. Omori is about how forgiveness can be healing and help those recover, and mouthwashing is about how sometimes forgiveness does nothing but enable horrible people to continue their abusive behaviour

[raven-at-the-writing-desk]

hi yes im still alive

DON’T MIND ME, I’M JUST--

HAVING A MOMENT TO PROCESS ALL THE LORE AND STORY CHAPTER 6 JUST DROPPED ON US, I CAN BARELY WRITE

AHHHHHHH, I HAVE SO MANY THOUGHTS 😭 kjdbbaufbiafafvoaybo LEMME PUT ON MY THINKING CAP AND THROW SOME STUFF OUT ASDYUBUASDLI;AGVUOQIB;VI You’ll understand why I used Leona’s face here even though it’s Idia and Ortho’s chapter after you read my thoughts--

***Chapter 6 (and other main story) spoilers below the cut!***

Okay, just to keep it simple, I’ll try to keep things in chronological order!

First is a bullet point list of my thoughts on chapter 6 so far, then all my questions and theories (mostly a biggish theory on Ace) are at the end of the post.

Expectation: Idia cowering in his room, Vil and Rook busting down his door using Epel as a battering ram, dead Ortho theory confirmed

Reality: SWAT TEAM RAID ON NRC, DORM LEADERS (sans Kalim) AND JAMIL GET KIDNAPPED

Admittedly, I’m disappointed to see that the injury Grim inflicted to MC was basically just a cat scratch and nothing more. I thought it would be a lot more impactful if MC had to deal with juggling the realization that Grim has betrayed their friendship and trust while also on the verge of death (or at least while being severely injured)... And given how MC reacted to the attack at the end of chapter 5, I would think whatever struck them was much more substantial than just a cat scratch. I’m going to go out on a limb here and say either the script got scrubbed by Disney, or the intent was that MC was still woozy from VDC / OB Vil, MC felt so betrayed that it shook them emotionally, or that MC was just that weak by default that they can’t defend themselves against cat claws.

Hey, Ramshackle’s finally getting renovated! Proceeds to immediately get destroyed again--

I feel like????????? They tried to retroactively explain why Neige won to try and mitigate the uproar over how VDC ended. There’s some dialogue between the VDC group about how they didn’t perform at their peak because of having just walked out of dealing with OB Vil, and how Neige’s fans were going to vote for him anyway because they resonated with his background. Honestly, I think they should have moved on from that sore spot instead of bringing it up again, even if how chapter 5 ended didn’t personally bother me.

BOOM, HERE COME THE TWST TERMINATORS--

NOT GONNA LIE, THOSE STYX GUYS LOOK HOT SO COOL

AAAAAAND IT’S KIDNAPPING MONTAGE TIME, KIDS

JOABSFHUPAUABDBADB CALM DOWN, RIDDLE??????? YOU’RE GOING TO COMMIT ARSON IN BROAD DAYLIGHT--

Okay, I know this chapter’s focused on Ignihyde and Grim, but the standout part to me (so far) has been the scene where Leona’s being kidnapped. Historically, Leona has not been a character that I like (excluding that one time I had to pretend to like him for a game). I feel like he’s one massive missed opportunity (he didn’t show up much in chapter 2, he’s pretty similar backstory-wise to his Disney counterpart compared to the other Dorm Leaders, he didn’t seem to learn anything or become a better person even a LITTLE after chapter 2, etc.). I’m not a fan of his lazy and arrogant attitude either (even if it is justified by his backstory). But here? THIS IS THE LEONA I ACTUALLY LIKE AND WANT TO SEE MORE OF. 

LIKE????? I CAN’T DESCRIBE TO YOU HOW MUCH I LIKE THIS SCENE???? Yeah, we have Leona fighting STYX at first, but as soon as he realizes who they are, he wises up and surrenders because he knows better than to resist arrest. AND NOT ONLY THAT, but he uses King’s Roar in a smart way--to turn the falling greenhouse glass panes into sand so they don’t hurt anyone nearby (namely him and Ruggie).

And after he turns himself in????? LEONA TELLS RUGGIE TO TAKE CARE OF SAVANACLAW FOR HIM!!! THIS is what a real leader would do. He looks after himself and his people, but he knows when to surrender, AND he leaves his “kingdom” (the dorm) in good hands while he’s away. THIS is the Leona I want to see.

AJBDUASHPFBUABFIABIYFBIPFAAFIAF I ALSO REALLY LIKE HIS SASS WHEN HE JUST THROWS HIS HANDS UP AND ASDBIASBIABAIODDAYOFAIPPADAIDB SAYS “I’ll go with you, but be careful while escorting me, okay? Despite my looks, I'm a precious prince. I’ll get sick/dizzy if you drive recklessly.” SARCASTIC SASSY SMARTASS??????? IF YOU HAD MORE LINES LIKE THIS, I’D LIKE YOU MORE

I love how Azul’s still talking about capitalism/how he can profit from Idia (apparently the Shrouds are like the TWST equivalent of Google??????) as he’s being escorted away by the agents?????? IF I WERE HIM, I’D BE PISSED OFF THAT THEY INTERRUPTED MY BOARD GAME????? At least let the man finish first--

Damn, everyone’s being tasered???????? And apparently all the STYX agents are equipped with anti-magic plates? I guess Bind the Heart can just eat shit then--

Lilia’s ringtone is cute, period.

CROWLEY CALLED STYX TO CAPTURE GRIM???? GRIM IS OFFICIALLY A SCP THAT NEEDS TO BE CONTAINED????

WAIT WHAT CROWLEY’S BEING KIDNAPPED TOO??????? Oh well, the school is probably safer in Trein’s hands anyway--

askhlbfbilhidbabbidasb RIDDLE WAKES UP POST KIDNAPPING AND HE’S USING LEONA AS A LAP PILLOW?????!

How does it feel to be held in a room against your will, Jamil? Yeah, don’t like a taste of your own medicine, do you?

OH HI IDIA, NICE YZMA MAD SCIENTIST GETUP YOU GOT THERE

Wait, what????? THAT’S IT?????? SERIOUSLY???????

MAN.

I have so many questions??????? Specifically about STYX and what they do, and how the Shrouds are tied into all of it.

So they say STYX is a specialized unit called in to quell serious Overblot cases. And if Crowley called them to deal with Grim... well, bad times ahead for Grim. STYX has also been studying Overblot for a long time, which is why (I think?) they captured Riddle, Leona, Azul, Jamil, and Vil. 

There’s been some allusions made between Grim and Stitch in a lot of fan art and fan theories I’ve seen, since their struggles have some parallels: that being them struggling to decide if they are “good” or “bad”. I don’t know if this was intentional on the part of the TWST writing team, but regardless, it’s a really good concept that plays into the themes of TWST itself. There’s no good, there’s no evil, no black and white--most of the characters we see may be BASED on villains, but that doesn’t MAKE them villains. They are good, and bad, in their own ways--and now Grim is dealing with that crisis as he fights to keep his sanity and avoid completely succumbing to Overblot.

Though Idia seems to be involved with STYX’s research, it doesn’t sound like he personally gave the order to retrieve those test subjects (or at the very least, he’s not happy about roughing up the test subjects), it sounds like the orders came from other people in the organization. His parents, perhaps?

They mention briefly that Idia’s parents are asking him to “come home”, so it must be for something urgent. Are they worried about his safety? But Idia’s lines at the end of chapter 5 lead me to think he is estranged from his family, since he straight up rejected a job offer linked to them (Olympus Corp is owned by the Jupiter family, and the Shrouds are a branch family of Jupier), and says something like “I’m not welcome anywhere”. Has Idia done something to disgrace him from the rest of the family? Or is it more of a self imposed/self inflicted statement, given that he always says he’s “cursed” and acts like he’s guilty of something that deserves scorn?

Why is Idia participating in STYX research, even if it means experimenting on his fellow students (and fellow board game enthusiast Azul)? People are speculating that he wants to use blots to fully revive Ortho (if dead Ortho theory is true), or that Idia actually has heroic intentions (he wants to know more about blots to prevent OBing from happening?), but at this point??? Literally anything could happen?!

In future parts, I’m guessing Pomefiore, MC, and Adeuce will team up to break Jamil and the Dorm Leaders (except Malleus, Malleus got left out again www) out? And HOPEFULLY we get to see Rook’s Unique Magic or at least more screen time, since I feel like he got so little in chapter 5... Another thing I’d like to see is Ace and/or Epel getting their Unique Magic, or at least starting to develop it. It’s really mostly Ace I want more details for.

A theory I’ve been holding onto for a long time is that Deuce getting his UM will spur Ace on to become jealous (since he has always seen Deuce as an idiot/”lesser” than him), and that will cause a rift in the friendship, or for Ace to throw himself into a dangerous situation to prove himself (he has done it before with Riddle)... and has his ass rescued again. This would make Ace even angrier, since he feels like everyone is treating him like a little kid or rubbing it in that he isn’t “as good” as they are. I don’t know where it would go from there (I’m sure TWST would get creative), but ultimately it would culminate in Ace making amends with everyone and rushing in to save them from either Grim or Idia OB.

I don’t think Ace would discover his UM in a similar manner as Deuce (Deuce had to embrace his own stubbornness and straightforwardness, but as the term “Unique” Magic implies, the way a magic develops and manifests is “unique” to the user). While Deuce has to learn to accept his own way of thinking, I believe Ace is already sure of his own way of thinking and has totally accepted it. I think what Ace has to deal with instead is coming to terms with his fickleness. We’ve seen him time and time again treating his loved ones kind of callously, from constantly bullying MC, Grim, and Deuce to ghosting his own girlfriend and flaking on people when they are counting on him to do a task.

The issue with Ace isn’t that he isn’t aware, it’s that he is aware and he seems to think this behavior is totally okay. He demonstrates little to no remorse in what he does and says, and he doesn’t seem to care about the consequences either (how many times does he get punished by Riddle, yet he keeps doing the same dumb things over and over?). Ace appears to operate under the mindset of always being in the right, or (if he’s in the wrong), he won’t really acknowledge it, or he will wave it off as “no big deal”--and I think that’s his greatest weakness.

In the scenario I described earlier, I mentioned that Ace’s jealousy will cause a wedge between him and his friends, and I think this will play into him realizing the error of his ways. When he has finally driven away all of the people that supported him, what will he have left? Nothing. Then maybe Ace suddenly finds himself relating to Idia, or to Grim, who have Overblotted and are in a similar emotional state as he is. Confused and lonely... and that energizes him to pitch in again, even if all he has is wind magic up his sleeve. Everyone could be shocked that Ace has returned, and in that moment, he could finally realize his true potential and unlock his Unique Magic!

(Maybe that’s too specific, but that’s a scenario that I’ve had playing in my head for a long time!)

... Buuuuut given that Ace has gotten little to no spotlight so far in chapter 6, I’m not sure if they’ll lean into him developing his UM yet (unless they pull a chapter 5 and really start addressing Ace in the latter half of the chapter like they did with Deuce). Seeing as chapter 6 is dealing with a lot of heavy topics (death, Grim lore, Overblot lore), I’m thinking maybe the TWST team will push off Ace’s UM development to chapter 7???? The only way I can see it happening in chapter 6 is if the chapter is SUPER long, or if the writing is REALLY good or really bad. 

Anyway, I’m keeping my fingers crossed!!! I’m so excited for the rest of chapter 6... I hope that we don’t have to wait too long for it!

[axvoter]

Blatantly Partisan Party Review XLIII (federal 2022): ungrouped Victorian independents James Bond and Max Dicks

Running where: VIC

Because these are both ungrouped independent candidates, you can only give them a preference if you vote below the line

I do not have time to review all twelve(!) people standing as ungrouped independents for the Senate in Victoria. Happily, Something for Cate has you covered there. I have previously reviewed Glenn Floyd of the unregistered Liberty Party. Joe Toscano, anarchist and serial candidate, is running again; I reviewed him all the way back in 2013.

But I absolutely cannot resist writing reviews of the two candidates with the best names on any ballot in the entire country.

James Bond (website)

The name’s Bond, Senator James Bond. Or at least that’s what he hopes to be able to say. For now the name is Bond, Dr James Bond: his about page says he holds a PhD in geography and legal studies. He completely leans into the humour of his name: his campaign launch video is chock-full of references to the James Bond films. He urges you to vote for him because he’s on a top-secret mission and a crucial part of that is being elected as an Australian Senator, because a “bad guy” (cue image of Morrison) is “going to explode the world, probably your place too”. If you don’t vote for him, he’ll be “shaken… but not stirred”.

Yes, this is a bit of a piss-take, but he's not one of those joke candidates without an platform. Of his seven policies—sorry, “007 policies”—the leading one is a Boomer Tax. Yep, a Boomer Tax. He defines this as an umbrella term for abolishing negative gearing and halving the capital gains tax discount, in order to make it easier for first-home buyers to enter the market and boost government revenue. Under other subheadings (actually six, not seven), he indicates support for more wildlife sanctuaries, an emissions trading scheme, net zero by 2035, a wage increase for those in nursing and childcare, and equity and respect for all genders (yes, an openly trans-friendly candidate). Bond states that a federal ICAC is “a no brainer and well overdue … Don’t let the Prime Minister gaslight the country into thinking that we dont need a federal ICAC.” Honestly I wish other parties would be this straightforward and to-the-point.

My recommendation: He might be a joke candidate, but he deserves a decent or good preference depending on the extent to which you appreciate his comedy (it's not always high-brow).

Max Dicks (website)

Max is fully aware he has the funniest name on the ballot, but he also has a serious platform. Every clip I’ve watched has made me think he seems like a good guy and that he badly needs to have a running mate next time so that he can have a square above the line. His climate policy is refreshingly straightforward: “climate action—come on guys”. He takes the need for a more substantial response as simply a given. He supports a properly funded NDIS, better funding for research (particularly the CSIRO), and more public transport. He demands a federal ICAC and greater government transparency with one of the best calls to action I’ve seen from any party on this topic: “Trust is something built. Help me start building.”

He’s also concerned with improving voter literacy, which as a below-the-line candidate is obviously a practical concern for him; given I’m writing this blog, you can imagine it’s something I am passionate about too. The only thing I was lukewarm about—besides the fact a lot of his “policies” are motherhood statements, which is fairly inevitable for an ungrouped indie—is that he would prefer to make cars safer rather than reduce speed limits. I don’t quibble with safer cars, but this isn’t an “either/or”, it’s a “both/and” if we want streets with good multi-modal choices that are safe for all users. (I suppose this is the point where he directs me to his “think I'm a dick” page: “Unfortunately I can’t be everything you might like in a politician”, so he gives tips to “help you on your journey into politics”, although he advises that “It's not cheap and it's sometimes a rough time, so think wisely.”)

Oh yeah, and he also has a theme song. It is as good as you would expect. “If you are sick and tired of members screwin’ politics / well, now it’s time for Dicks!”

My recommendation: Give Max Dicks a good preference. Hell, give him your first preference if you feel so inclined. There are far worse pricks on the ballot.

[dangan-happy]

(A little bit of Monaca in my life.) Hey Rantaro, you are my comfort character so I'd like advice from you. I recently just started my first job and I dont know how to feel about it. It's a kennel attendant and I really love the animals there especially the cats so that helps. However on my first day several large dogs tried to attack me and people kept talking about their injury stories to the point anytime I have to walk larger dogs I get terrified that one will try to attack me again. It's also a lot of work and physical work and I have never had a job before so I am extremely tired and my body is not used to any of it. They started me off with 40 hours a week and thats getting overwhelming. It doesn't help that my boss is not a nice person and will yell hard at you for your mistakes. Everything is getting overwhelming so I sometimes start crying at work but when I got to the cat room it calms me down. I really love some parts of this job because I love animals so much but because it is making me like this I dont know what to do.

Hey anon, it really means a lot to hear that I'm a comfort for you. Hopefully I can give you the help you need. Hey, congrats on getting a job! Even if you're a little unsure about it right now, you still got the job, and that's pretty impressive. I'm glad you're enjoying being around the cats, it's always good to have a positive, as for the dogs, yeah I can understand where you're coming from. Does your workplace have a system that points out which dogs are a little more aggressive? Looking at those might be a good way to prepare yourself for a dog with a little more bite than bark, or maybe warn you away. Honestly it's fine if you don't want to handle the big dogs. Bigger dogs make me a little nervous too. Yeah, people seem to love to talk about their injuries. However, these sound like major dog people, meaning that they've been exposed to way more dogs than you have. And honestly, if a dog was that dangerous, I don't think they'd be letting casual employees handle them. I think the best advice I got for this chunk is looking into ways to prepare yourself for handling some of the dogs. Practice makes perfect, and I think having the skills will help you feel calmer and make you feel safer.

Aw man, bosses like that suck. And forty hours a week for your first job? Yeah, that's a whole lot to adjust to. Being yelled at is never fun, and I wish your boss would chill out already. There's no shame in crying. I'd probably cry too if I was under that much stress. Just take it one day at a time. You're still adjusting to the new schedule. I promise things are gonna start looking better in a few days just because you're a little more used to it. You're going to build up the body strength and endurance you need over time, so it'll get a little bit easier each day. I'd try to connect with some of your coworkers so you can have some kind of connection at work, since your boss is such a jerk. There's no such thing as a perfect job, and I'm glad chilling with the cats is helping you out.

Forty hours a week is a crazy amount for a first job, and if you're not ready for that, that's ok. Now I can't tell you what to do exactly, but I'd recommend giving it one more week. Just give it a solid try, and if things don't work out, that's ok. You aren't a failure if things don't work out at this job. There are plenty of other ones out there if you don't want to stick with this one. Be aware of your emotions and limits, look out for yourself as much as you can, ok? I think that's all I got to offer for you, and I really hope things work out one way or another. Whatever happens, you're gonna be just fine. Trust your feelings and trust yourself.

[ellanainthetardis]

I would like to read about the 74th hunger games, haymitch and effie make lots of noise during sex and the designers of the district, peeta and katniss listen and the next day talk to them about it, I think it would be hot and funny!!! I love your stories, you are a great writer !!!! (I'm using google translate, if I have something spelled wrong, I'm sorry)

Here you go! [x]

Making this vt becauseI don’t think stylists sleep in the apartments

The Pirate’s Bounty

Effie was burrowing into the source of warmthat her back before she even properly woke up, letting out a hum of contentment.Haymitch, for all his claims that he disliked sharing a bed, had a tendency totake up all the space and while that was a little annoying, there wereadvantages to this new habit of his to crash in her room: he tended to wraparound her like an octopus in his sleep. His leg was tossed over hers, herpillow was an arm that was curled around her head and there was a strong handholding her breast.

She was sticky in unpleasant places and soreall over. Her thighs, her right arm… She sighed softly and glanced at theclock, not surprised to find it was later than planned. Haymitch had a nastytendency to tinker with her alarm behind her back. She liked to be up and readyearly, so that she could keep an eye on everyone and have everything undercontrol. The Tour was bad enough without anything going amiss. But Haymitch –and Cinna and Portia – insisted she was pushing herself too hard and she wouldcollapse well before they reached the Capitol if she went on like this,reviewing schedules and working on speeches until the early hours of morning. Theywere conspiring behind her back to force her to get more rest.

They weren’t due in Six until the next daythough and the schedule for the day was light. She had insisted on some dancinglessons for the children because she didn’t want to be embarrassed at the ballat the Presidential Mansion but they weren’t in any hurry. If she could getHaymitch to actually work with her on the speeches in the afternoon, she mighteven go to bed at a proper time that night. Why, she might even have time for a manicure before that.

She gently tried to remove the hand from herchest and Haymitch grunted in protest.

“Go back to sleep.” he muttered against herhair. “Too early.”

“It is well past eight.” she argued in awhisper. “Everyone will be up.”

There was another groan and then he lifted hisleg from her thigh to push it between hers. It became obvious to her, shewasn’t the only one who had been enjoying the tight quarters. She giggleddespite herself when she felt him poking her and he snorted, kneading thebreast she hadn’t managed to get out of his grip.

“None of that.” she chided, whacking his wrist.He pressed his thigh harder against her core and she couldn’t help a smallfrustrated moan. “I am serious. I need to get out of bed.”

“You need to relax.” he argued, pressing longkisses on her nape. “I’m all about helping you with that.”

“I need to use the bathroom.” she protestedwhen he flicked her nipple. “And I need a shower. And I honestly do not think Ican take another round right now. Last night was…”

“Fuckinggood.” he smirked, nipping at her nape. “Thought I had died for a moment there.”

She chuckled and twisted to plant a kiss on hislips, feeling genuinely happier than she had in weeks. It was silly but theprevious night had been rather… athletic andcreative and it made her feel young and reckless. She used to feel that wayall the time but nowadays…

The kisses grew deeper and they eventuallyshifted as he rolled on his back and took her with him.

“Not this morning.” she insisted between twokisses.  

He pouted but eventually shrugged. “Fine.”

“You arewelcome to join me in the shower though.” she grinned.

It took a little more convincing but heeventually let himself get lured out of bed and into the bathroom. Inviting himinto the shower or the bathtub with her was the best way to make sure he wouldwash that day and it was a trick she had long mastered. Even if she sometimesthought he abused it as much as she did.

They fooled around a little in the shower, bothof them in an uncharacteristic good mood. She wondered briefly if that was howit could be like if there were no Games and no poisoned berries dangling overtheir heads. If amazing sex could be enough to make them feel good and brightabout the upcoming day. If they could have been just… happy together.

He sneaked out of her room while she finishedgetting ready. She just hoped he would have the good sense of not gettingcaught.

She was in such a good mood she couldn’t shakea stupid smile off her lips. She was humming a catchy popular song when shemade her way to the dining-room car, the last one to join the group for once.Haymitch was already there, as his usual seat, staring at the bottom of his cupof coffee as if it held the answers to every question in the universe. His greyeyes darted up to meet hers and a hint of a smirk briefly floated on his lips.

“Good morning, everyone!” she called outcheerfully, elegantly dropping on her seat at Haymitch’s right, barelylistening to the greetings she got in return.

Katniss was already sulking for reasons thatwere her own, Peeta was trying to cheer her up, Cinna was very focused onbuttering his toast and Portia had wrapped her hands around her mug of tea andwas studying her with a twinkle of mischief in her dark eyes. Effie knew herfriend enough to know it meant troubles. She lifted an eyebrow in the otherwoman’s direction but the stylist simply took a long sip of her tea, clearlyamused by something she wasn’t willing to share yet.

Effie was sure she would learn about it beforelong so she let the matter drop and poured herself a cup of coffee. By the timeshe grabbed a toast, Haymitch had placed half of his blueberry muffin on herplate, muttering about it being the last one because Katniss couldn’t betrusted around pastries. There were plenty of muffins left but, she saw, noblueberries, so she accepted it with a grateful grin.

He must have thought the night to be asincredible as she did because he also poured her some orange juice without herhaving to ask. It wasn’t like him to be so thoughtful. She discreetly hookedher foot around his ankle, the cup paused for the smallest moment on its way tohis mouth but he covered it well.

“Did you have a good night, Effie?” Portiaasked, a hint of laughter in her voice.

“Why, yes, I did, thank you.” she hummed. “And yourself?”

“We did not get much sleep.” her friendexplained.

“Really?” she frowned. “You weren’t ill, Ihope?”

“You didn’t hear the noises?” Katniss cut inwith a frown of her own.

Effie forcedherself not to glance at Haymitch as she assumed an expression of fakepuzzlement, too aware that everyone else had stopped talking to follow thediscussion. Cinna, like Portia, seemed to have trouble not laughing. Peetasuddenly seemed fascinated with the croissants.

“The noises?” she repeated in a tone of politeinterest, quickly but surely taking her foot away from Haymitch’s ankle.

“Yeah.” the girl confirmed, nodding her head.“It sounded like a wounded animal or something.”

“Yes, I dobelieve that is an accuratedescription of those strange, strangenoises.” Portia agreed, obviously fighting to keep her countenance. She turnedto Haymitch with a bright smile. “What did you think, Haymitch?”

Haymitch was chewing on a big piece of muffin,which afforded him a few seconds to school his features. “Can’t say. I wasdrunk. Passed out, you know.”

“Were you, now…” the stylist hummed. “How peculiar. I could have sworn I heard you call out to Effie atsome point…”

“Whywould Haymitch be calling out to me in the middle of the night, Portia?” Effieasked with a fake laugh. “Do not be preposterous.”

“My bad.” her friend teased. “I did think I heard you call back, mindyou, didn’t I, Cinna? We thought perhaps the two of you had gone to… investigate.”  

“I wanted to go look but Peeta said it wasprobably someone watching TV.” Katniss shrugged, completely oblivious.

“How clever of you to figure it out, Peeta!”Effie exclaimed with some relief. “Yes, it musthave been that. Someone must have been watching TV. I will have a word with thetrain attendants. Pass me the orange jam, would you, Cinna?”

Portia allowed the conversation to be stirredto safer topics but Effie knew her friend and she also knew that nobody at thattable, except for Katniss, was fooled by the TV excuse. As soon as she deemedit safe to do so, she glanced at Haymitch who was resolutely staring away from her.

“Would come with me to check Peeta’s outfit fortomorrow?” Portia asked after breakfast, before Effie could make the sort ofgrand escape Haymitch was already attempting.

“Of course.” she granted, unable to refuse.

Portia linked their arms together as soon asthey were a safe distance from the living-room car where the children usuallyspent their free time. The train’s corridors were narrow and it wasn’t reallypractical to walk like that but her friend was clearly in a teasing mood soEffie allowed her the fancy.

“Strictlybetween you and me, at one point I was unsure if he was trying to kill you or pleasureyou.” the stylist laughed.

“I have no idea what you are talking about.”she denied.

Portia rolled her eyes. “Darling, only onething does that kind of noises and there are only six people using that car.Now, it wasn’t me, it wasn’t Katniss… The conclusion wouldn’t be that hard toreach even if you hadn’t shouted hisname at the top of your lungs.”

She flushed crimson, battling her fakeeyelashes to hide her embarrassment. “Portia…”

“It sounded reallygood, I was jealous.” her friend pouted.

Effie cleared her throat and glanced around,but they were alone in that part of the train so she sighed. “Was I really that loud?”

Portia patted her arm in a comforting gesturebut didn’t part with the teasing smile on her lips. “You should probably keepin mind those compartments are not soundproof next time.”

“Oh, god…” she muttered in mortification,raising her free hand to her burning cheek.

“The banging of the headboard against the wallcovered most of it.” Portia mocked gently. “And, of course, there wasHaymitch’s triumphant grunting at the end… We could not hear you anymore bythat point, I really was scared hehad finished you off. That last cry of yours sounded almost painful.”

“So painfully good.” she confessed, biting down on her bottom lip at the memory.

Portia chuckled. “What was he doing to you?”

“Ravishing me.” she deadpanned with a chuckleof her own.

“That much, I gathered on my own.” her friendteased as they reached the car where the outfits were stocked. They crossed theone that carried Cinna’s work and moved on to Portia’s.

Effie hesitated a second but then threw cautionto the wind. At that point… “Two words for you: pirate’s bounty.”

“Oh, that isa nice one!” Portia approved with a knowing look. “You must be very flexible.”

“That has never been a problem for me.” sheconfirmed smugly. Even if her muscles were sore now. “Do we truly need to check Peeta’s outfit orwas it just an excuse?”

“His outfit will be fantastic as usual.” Portiadismissed with a wave of her hand, leaning against the wall with a smirk. “Now,tell me everything. Does the piratehave a long sword?”

“Portia!” she rebuked, eyeing her up and downwith her lips pursed. “A lady does not kiss and tell.”

“A lady should share with her best friend.” thestylist argued. “Besides, you forget I am his tailor. I know which side he dresseson.”

“Portia!” she gasped.

“Well, I cannot help but notice what is rightin front of my eyes.” her friend argued. “Impressive even at rest… You are a lucky girl, no wonder you were screamingso loud.”

Effie wavered between rolling her eyes andlaughing and ended up leaning against the wall next to her friend, shaking herhead at her stupidity today. As if her sex life was so important compared toeverything that was going on.

But it was good to be silly once in a while.

[dimples-of-discontent]

(part 1) im gonna preface by saying sorry if you've answered this before or it's obvious, but I wanted your opinion on something. I can't really read Misha at all when it comes to Destiel. I wanted to know if you think Misha plays Cas as being in love with Dean? Do you think Misha sees that relationship or is too in the moment to view it the way we do (similar to Jensen). I'm asking because I know he has gotten questions about it before and something that is obvious 9/10 times when he answers...

(part 2) is that he turns it into something sexual. I know he obviously wont say either way whether for higher up backlash or simply because he’s Misha, but I never got if that is just his wink wink to the fans because he’s supportive of our beliefs or he thinks that we only see sex so he’s like yeah perverts. He genuinely seems insightful at times and I do love the way he has described their relationship on several occasions. i know a few years ago there was a moment where, if i remember…

(part 3) correctly might have been one of the only times he answered without really joking? he seemed incredibly in tune with the audience talking about it but there seemed to be a sad/awkward air to his words. most of the things i have seen are from a few years ago though (pre-season 11) and we have gotten some incredibly deep destiel scenes since then so I guess im asking if you think he sees it, if so, when he might have started, if he thinks it now, if he thinks its just sexual, ect. thanks!“

Hi Nonnie,

First off, it sounds like you actually know a whole heck of a lot about Misha’s take on Destiel so I’m flattered that you would ask for my opinion on it too. I haven’t formulated a whole post about it, though I have reblogged and commented on some really great ones that I will also link you to here. 

I think it’s important to distinguish between Misha’s take on whether it is an intentional part of the show (do the writers write it that way? do he and Jensen play it that way?) vs. his response to fanfic and fandom commentary on Destiel. About the second, he tends to wear his snarky persona and call us perverts and joke about how “me and Jensen write most of that stuff anyway.” That’s easier. It’s a deflection. If faced with a question about intentionality and whether he thinks that the show has been amping up the romance tropes, it’s far safer to instead talk about the fan response and how “I would never have imagined seeing myself depicted giving so many blowjobs.” How much Cas fanart have you looked up Misha? FFS! 

So when, as you say, he immediately jumps to making things sexual I don’t at all think that it’s because he thinks that accurately reflects the way the character is written or how he plays him. After all, as recently as S10 he had Cas stare at a porn site and say, bemusedly, “What is ‘Fortune Nookie’?” (10x03). In 13x21 Cas was obviously embarrassed both by and about Gabriel and Rowena. And, as we learned from S12, the sacred oath that forbids human-angel sex must be very much on his mind. Now, some of us are of the opinion that this season in particular has been revealing Cas to have some understanding of or interest in sex even as an angel but YMMV on that one. But it’s safe to say that no matter how many jokes Misha makes about Cas being a creeper and perving on Dean he knows that that isn’t in the show. He’s responding to a particular, over-exaggerated fan version of Destiel. And he’s doing it because it’s safe.

It’s actually Misha’s standard deflection now because, in my opinion, not only do they want to avoid pissing people off but they are all bound by NDAs (non-disclosure agreements) of some kind when it comes to the actual show…but not when it comes to the fans. So he can say whatever he likes about fanfic or fanart or “what goes on on oil rigs” and neither risk offending people as deeply (since he’s clearly joking around) nor violating any contracts. I don’t know if he really thinks that all fanworks are all about sex. I think….perhaps. And, honestly, given the kinds of things people bring to cons for them to sign I can’t blame him. The linked post also shows how totally ok both he and Jensen are with smutty fanart, as does the infamous Cockles video that I’m adding here because, well, why not:

If you can’t hear the audio it’s Jensen describing two different pieces of fanart that they signed, one of which they drew penises on the other of which was already nsfw that he captioned, and laughing about it and draping himself all over Misha ew. 

But back to your original question, which was whether Misha plays Cas as being in love with Dean or sees that relationship as inherently romantic. I’m actually just going to flat out answer: he does. Misha is an intelligent and sensitive reader (which is not to say the other actors, especially Jensen, are not but that Misha approaches the script as a reader in a way I don’t think Jensen does because his process is so different). I believe Misha has always seen that in the character. As @amwritingmeta​ discusses in this epic post on Jensen, Destiel, and Dean’s bisexuality:

“Misha started out talking rather openly about how Destiel is an intentional part of the narrative - almost going so far as to get pissy about how this was even a question, if rumours are to be believed - then less openly, until he, as early as last year, was scuttling around the Destiel question like it was on fire. Why? I would venture a complete guess and say that it’s most likely to do with all the negativity thrown his way whenever he’s engaged with it, accusations of queerbaiting flying at him and the show, when this couldn’t be farther away from what they’ve actually been doing all these years, delivering a narrative the likes of which has never been seen on television before.”

Comments he made about his initial decisions, staring at Jensen “as if I was looking into his soul”, and the teasing that he garnered, “We’re missing the gay angel,” indicate that he–and Jensen, fwiw–were fully aware of the homoerotic aspects of the character and his portrayal.

I think that the convention clip you’re thinking of might be this one from NJcon 2013 where Misha first says that he ought not to talk about it but then goes on to say that there is a “very profound bond” but that “I will leave you to read into that what you will” and remarks that he doesn’t want to be accused of queerbaiting, which he felt was unfair because he is such a supporter for the LGBTQ community overall. He’s absolutely sad there. He concludes by saying “It’s a lot of things. It’s deep and meaningful, you know. Is it love? Probably. What does that mean? It’s a million different things. I don’t know” which then becomes a joke about “you know, my boyfriend is a wavelength of celestial intent.” He ends by saying outright that “They love each other” before adding “but it’s purely sexual.” That backtracking is frustrating but totally characteristic because otherwise it’s just too definitive. (I’m gonna keep my tinhat in the closet on this one but I can’t help but murmur about actor bleed.)

By 2016, at DCcon, he was delighted to get out of the Destiel question by having West throw balls at him. He talks about how he was discouraged from even mentioning that relationship when he came on the show and how he then flouted that rule because he didn’t see the point. The implication, though, is that he now does see why he shouldn’t discuss it and I can only imagine that a lot of it has to do with the vitriol that often came his way. Most of his answer is a joke on this panel, “How would you approach it if it happened” becomes “face-forward” and “How would you set the scene” becomes a seduction joke. Rich and Rob are there to help out and keep the carnival atmosphere going. (Cockles sidebar: I had never noticed that he answers the question of “How would you set the scene” with “In another language; in Russian.” CAN YOU SAY ACCENT KINK??) That’s a huge difference from 2013′s serious answer, though it’s not easy to tell whether that change is due to something contractural about the show or Misha’s own desire to avoid upset. I kind of think the second.

His most recent comments are from Seacon 2018 where he says that he could “go on and on and on” with his thoughts about Destiel and that he and Jensen do have conversations about it. He again uses it as an opportunity to talk about the fandom response and reflect on changes in attitude within the fandom not on the show…which is interesting, of course, but not really what we are fishing for. As he says at the end he gets in trouble with someone no matter what he says on the topic. And then he will deflect with a joke (”Jensen and I don’t write a ton of Destiel fanfic”) before giving us a tiny glimmer of hope (”because we live it all the time”). The whole cast is certainly much more open about it than they used to be, even Jensen. And I’m not sure whether or not that can be attributed to the deeper Destiel scenes you mention or not. I do think it would become much harder for them to deny the existence of a romantic element and that the way they are coping with that is pure humor.

I hope that helps a little. It’s a very complex question, since it’s bound up with so many other things about the show and about Misha’s character and his relationship to the fans. (I have tags for both “misha and destiel” and “misha about destiel” if you want more.) I agree with you that he is the most in tune with the fan view of the relationship and supportive of it as an interpretation. I think he’s either not legally able to say more about it or, perhaps, is too conditioned not to by previous negative reactions from the fans. His jokes that make it sexual, or refer to fandom and not the show, are simply a clever deflection and one which he does much better than either Jared or Jensen (though Jensen has learned from Misha and gotten markedly less defensive in general, e.g. “There will now be fanfiction written about what goes on on oil rigs” “Don’t let us down”).

My gut feeling is that, yes, Misha has seen the romantic element since Day 1 and that lines like “I love you. I love all of you” and “I know who you love” confirm for him that it is there for Cas. I think that he supports that reading of their relationship but we will likely never get to hear him say that…unless something miraculous happens on the show so that he feels free to.

[hopeslastchxnce]

clockworkmutant​:

“First rule of time travel - familiar things are easier to find,” David honestly wasn’t sure what he had been looking for. It might have been Charles, but it just as easily could have been the Mansion. Home. It was a concept that had been so lost to him for so long that he was sure that had helped him end up here versus anywhere else. “I’m sorry that you were involved in so many of our lives elsewhere.” 

His voice didn’t quite have an edge to it. He could understand the impulse to isolate oneself. It had regularly been his own urge. Maybe it ran in the family. But it was also unsettling in some ways to find a Charles who lived that way.

“Can’t be worse. Besides, there are benefits to keeping a low profile. I’m not known here. It doesn’t even seem like there’s a David Haller here at all,” He was going to have to look further into that, but so far, he took the lack of recognition as a positive. “No one here even knows my name. That makes me a whole lot safer.” 

He was quiet a moment, “Maybe it’s also better for the people I left behind.” He shook his head. “I know a future. I don’t know yours. I don’t know you at all. Not like this. I don’t think I’ve just moved in time.” 

     Charles  wasn't  all  that  familiar  with  the  nuances  of  time  travel.  He  knew  a  guy  which  meant  he  was  now  well  aware  that  time  travel  was  possible.  It  just  wasn't  something  he  dwelled  on  too  much  having  believed  he'd  never  be  in  such  a  predicament  again.  Just  what  were  the  odds  you  know?  And  yet...

     ❝I  suppose  that  makes  sense,❞     he  answered  quietly.  Still,  he  wasn't  sure  he'd  ever  get  used  to  random  futurists  showing  up,  especially  to  his  home.  It  was  closed  and  had  been  for  nearly  a  decade.  It  blew  his  mind  to  know  that  perhaps  somewhere  in  some  other  life  that  he  was  happy  and  possibly  running  the  school  again  with  other  mutants.

     He  wasn't  quite  sure  what  to  say  to  the  apology  so  he  left  it  be,  especially  since  he  found  it  difficult  to  imagine  anyone   apologizing  to  him.  If  anything,  he  was  probably  the  one  who  should  be  apologizing.  What  for?  He  had  no  idea,  but  if  he  was  anything  like  his  current  self  elsewhere,  well,  those  poor  mutants.

     ❝Ah... no.  I  don't  think  I  know  of  any  David  Haller  around  here.  Then  again,  I  rarely  leave  the  mansion  so  I  wouldn't  know  for  certain.  Safe  is...  well,  not  sure  about  all  that  either  but  I  suppose  we'll  see  in  time.  I  wasn't  exactly  foaming  at  the  mouth  for  company  but  I  won't  be  kicking  you  out  so  do  what  you  will.❞

     Charles  frowned  slightly  before  shaking  his  head.     ❝Maybe,  but  leaving  loved  ones  behind  has  more  of  an  impact  on  them  than  you  think.  Sometimes  our  loved  ones  would  rather  we  stay  behind,     braving  the  storm  together     as  opposed  leaving  them.  I'm  certain  they  will  miss  you  so  bear  that  in  mind.❞

     He  caught  the  part  where  the  other  mentioned  he  didn’t  ‘know  him  like  this’  but  decided  it  was  probably  for  the  best  he  didn’t  press.  To  be  honest,  he  didn’t  want  to  know  anything  at  all  about  himself.  It  was  probably  all  horrid.

[onceuponamirror]

hi sarah! i just want to tell you that you are such an inspiration to me. I mean it, I feel like you're quite intelligent and creative and kind and outspoken and just everything that i aspire to be. I was also wondering if you could speak a little about your high school experience (i mean, only if you want to) because i'm going through it right now, and i feel like i could use some advice imao, do you have some general advice? esp. about peer pressure, staying to oneself but also evolving, etc.

hi there!! first of all—honestly, i am so honored you’d say those nice things. to say i got a little teary would be an understatement. really, i’m so touched. and i’m not shy about pretty much any topic if asked directly, so i definitely don’t mind talking about high school.

i mean, in retrospect, it was a pretty good time of my life. i didn’t really have any of the tangible responsibilities that come with adulthood, and i had a lot of privilege and comfort growing up that i appreciate now that i’m self-supporting. i had a strong crew of friends who were all deeply individualistic and most of which i’m still tight with to this day, even as we all live far apart from one another. 

things weren’t always positive, but with hindsight, i can say i was lucky most of the time.

but it definitely didn’t feel that way at the time.

this gets very long and very personal, so i’m putting it under a cut.

when i was fourteen, i was very depressed. or—rather, i’ve always had anxiety disorders, but those are often misdiagnosed, particularly in females, and i had a series of irresponsibly bad evaluations from guidance counselors and even real therapists that reinforced a narrative that ended up being very destructive.

as in, i walked in with possibly a more-pronounced-than-average case of post-puberty nihilistic existentialism, and walked out being told over and over again that i was sick, depressed, suicidal, something was wrong with me, i needed help.

i think for a lot of people, a diagnosis is a relief. it’s learning to understand what plagues you, and often times, that’s incredibly helpful towards tackling it. i firmly believe that giving something a name is taking back control over it; when forces feel vague and unseen, we feel our agency is most attacked. 

however, when it’s the wrong diagnosis, it can go very wrong, very fast. my mom has had a lot of mental illness/suicide in her family (and is bipolar herself) and reacted very strongly and i was pulled out of school for a semester, even briefly hospitalized, and completely socially isolated. 

while i think it’s important to give attention to people at risk, in my case, that domino effect of a hospitalization, homeschooling, and being put on tons of meds very much backfired. because i no longer felt comfortable expressing myself, was terrified any time i voiced even the slightest bit of anxiety or questioning of things, i’d be shoved back into square one.

it was only until a couple of years ago that i felt safe going back to therapy, and why i found a lot of my own psychological explorations safer done within books, not people. it created my depression, and this remains the most traumatic time of my life, particularly because it was already an age of confusion and heavy change. 

it was very difficult to get over this, to regain my confidence, let alone overcome the subsequent social anxiety, and it was in waves of success that didn’t really stop until around 19-20. 

but in order to pull myself out of it, one of the skills i ultimately taught myself was to never again let someone tell me who i was or what i was feeling.

and that’s why i shared this story—never let someone else tell you who you are. 

honestly, you probably won’t know who that is until you’ve looked back on this time in a few years. but luckily, it’s a lot easier to know who you’re not and what you don’t like. 

so start there. it feels counterintuitive, but: what bores you? what can you never see yourself doing, or being happy with? because once you’ve got a few of those answers, you can cross them the fuck off, and start looking in the other direction. 

for example, while i had my adolescent pipe dreams, i didn’t know for sure what i wanted to do with my life when i was sixteen, but i knew what i didn’t want to do. i didn’t want to take another science class. sure as hell didn’t like math. so i focused my attention on the arts, and eventually followed that all the way to college. 

rather than trying to stretch myself thin across all avenues to appease some idea of a college application, i focused on what i liked, and thus got a lot better at them. and thus that turned me into the person i am, as well as gave me my career. 

even on the days where i feel low, or my confidence is sapped and i’m lying in bed wondering why in the hell i chose a career that’s kind of cyclically always vulnerable and i don’t know who i am—i still know who i’m not.

that’s the touchstone that keeps me together, every time. i know what i don’t want my life to look like, and therefore i know i have to keep trying. 

this all applies to peer pressure too, to which my direct advice is to, well, get mad. 

i mean, i’m not saying to start hoarding negative energy, but basically, how dare anyone tell you who you are? who is anyone to pass that kind of judgment?

i personally get outraged when i’m told i have to be a certain way or do a certain thing. i don’t like the idea that there’s a force, direct or unseen, telling me to follow a certain path. this is why i followed a degree that lead me to freelance, why i know i’m not suited to a 9-5. 

because if i can get mad, i can get through anything. as in, it forces a challenge to push past, rises me to the moment. 

(obviously, when nuances of privilege come into the discussion, it becomes a more specific conversation. i can only speak to my own upbringing, which, in the topic of full disclosure, was upper middle class and therefore the kind of societal pressure/problems i faced were vastly different.)

(but being aware of privilege is also an act of agency, and obv very important towards finding self-actualization) 

so that’s my story and general advice. i’m more than happy to talk about specific things or anything else you’d like to know. hopefully this was helpful. 

i wish you all the luck and love; high school is incredibly difficult, often volatile, and will be your harshest critic. but it can also be great, because there are few other times in your life that are so freeingly self-focused. 

you’ve really got the leg room to learn a lot about yourself, particularly in the age of online discourse. so it’s actually a great time to be a high schooler, honest to god. 

xxxxxxx