#I think I should be a jester. I should be paid for being funny.

[gio-cosmo]

There’s a Hatsune Miku concert happening near me next year and if I’m unable to save enough money to buy a ticket I might actually cry 😭

[d00mbunnie]

so when the queen died I saw some funny post from Ireland saying the British or rather the English are obsessed with clowns. and I though ‘oh so it’s not just me who thinks? maybe it’s ‘cause I’m part Irish too but no there is a bigger reason.

I feel that non English people are just not being let in on the joke, the joke that after 1,000 + years of monarchy, the English and many pissed off ancestors across the globe are taking their revenge, especially pissed of bard’s whales. they’re modern form journalist or really paparazii are probably fufilling every curse spoken on the monarchy. honestly the royals are the UK’s way over paid court jesters. never mind the emperor has no clothing. they’re wearing the jingly hat now. The best part is they’ve have done this to themselves and sure as a group of power mad people the royal family is going to do everything to stay in power, so they are going to do whatever it takes to keep their shit, or the stuff they think is their shit. oh and also try to escape their and their ancestors crimes but how far will they go? well that’s the fun!  how low will they go? if the British say dance and wear a pink tutu and we let you live a little longer in the france house, maybe they’ll do it. they might be full of pride but the thought of being a commoner is worse than death. so as much as people ‘want’ them it’s for a very dark and very British joke. because whether the monarchy ends with the royals being driven mad, essentially screaming uncle and begging to have the crown taken from them or them fleeing into the night trying to flee with what ever valuables they carry, that’s up to the UK and how long they want to pay the for this freak show. but if it’s the later option they will finally get to know how foxes feel. honestly if they want to add insult to injury they should go back to the very old system where they high king or queen of Britan was voted in. and since just like in Ireland they king/queen has to be physically perfect they nor any other European royalty could qualify. also I totally think they should elect at homeless person it’ll with be both good the new 'Monarch’ and the public and the new king/queen only has to do ceremonial stuff. hell elect a corgi if you want. it’ll be cheaper all over and look good on the stamps.

(i edited this because at first it was kinda a mess of thoughts)

[bloody-simp]

The vale of light

Summary:

Theodosia never expected her life to have this much of a drastic change. Learning magic was dangerous enough, and now she's met a beast that could tear her apart in secconds.

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Chapter 1

"Ow- shit." I said, hitting myself with a saddle, almost falling down. It felt like something moved the saddle up towards me, or made it lighter so i would bring it up. But that wouldnt be possible. I think? "That's gonna bruise." I mumbled, rubbing my head as I put the saddle up. I had my brown hair in 2 dutch braids, my limestone skin was covered in dirt and a few pieces of hay, matching my outfit.

"Can you not be a klutz for once." Evangaline Woods said, scoffing as she walked away from the stall, her horse, Jester, snorted behind her as she closed the door. That might explain why I hit myself. Shes a noble, and nobles have some special magic or something that make them think they are better than everyone else. "Maybe you should get better at your job. You've only been doing it for 8 years."

I let out a small sigh before taking a deep breath, I have been here for 8 years, since I was 12 infact, but I ignored her antics like always as I grabbed the brush and a bucket of oats, bringing it to Jester's stall, I was about to fill his food tray when my foot caught something, sending me falling to the ground with a thud, the oats flying everywhere.

"Oops," Evangaline said, letting out a laugh as she put her helmet and riding boots on the storage rack.

"What's so funny, Angie?" Elias, Evangaline's older brother, said as he closed his stall door, leaving Valoras, his clydestale, with some hay. Elias was 24 years old, he had dark hair, and his eyes were a greyish-blue, he was the complete opposite of his sister, who had hazel eyes and long, blonde hair, there was about a foot difference between the two aswell, Evangaline being 5'3 while Elias was 6'4.

There is no doubt he is attractive, but not enough money in the world could get me to go out with him. Although he's ceased his tormenting, with only the occasional exception, he's still a piece of shit to me.

"The klutz can't keep her feet under herself is all," She scoffed, turning to leave the stables. "Dad said the chef made French onion soup and fresh bread for dinner. Let's go."

I slowly moved to sit on my knees, looking at the mess in front of me and sighing. I grabbed the bucket, and not even half of the oats were left, I got up, standing at around 5'7, and went to grab a broom from the wall, but when I turned back around the entire mess was gone, and so was Elias.

"That was nice, I suppose," I mumbled, looking at the now full bucket, grabbing it and dumping it in Jester's food trough.

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After doing a few more chores around the stables I made my way to the Woods estate. I was given a room, however small it may be, so I wouldn't be far from my work, and possibly so I could be paid less, I'm not entirely sure.

Once I finished cleaning up I made my way to the dining room, I sat at the far end of the table, with the other servants, it was silent in the room, only the slight sounds of the utensils hitting the plates and bowls. The family seemed like they were having some sort of conversation, but that would be impossible, their lips weren't even moving.

I looked over at them, on the opposite side of the table, Elias was eating his food. As soon as I looked at him, he looked up, looking at me as I looked away from him, looking back down at my food.

Evangaline seemed to be in more of a mood than before, the younger sister, Kelly, who is about 13 years old, sat beside her, looking almost identical to Evangaline, the same scowl on her face at the moment although there was an 8 year difference.

I was blowing on my soup when I felt a slight force on my hand, flinging the soup onto my chest. I quickly stood up, looking over at Evangaline as she looked down, eating her food like nothing happened while the rest of the family stared at me.

"May I be excused." I asked, doing my best not to glare at Evangaline, her mother, Alice already seeming to do so.

Donovan, their father, nodded, turning back to his food without a care as I left. I got to my room quickly, changing into a spare tunic I had. It was a bit bigger than my other ones, almost reaching my knees. I dont really know where I got it from but I don't really care much either.

Dinner had already ended by the time I got back, so I headed to the library, looking for history books after deciding it would be best to continue my studies.

While searching for books on Vendalon, the country we live in, but I found something strange. There was an unusual black, leatherbound book on the shelf. It didn't look like any other one. I slowly pulled it out. It wasn't printed like the other ones. This one was handwritten.

The Grimiore

I opened it, setting it down on the table and reading the first line.

For all who wish to learn, beware the possibilities and outcomes of continuing through this book. Only a chosen few can have this.

I flipped the page, only seeing a small drawing with a hand in the corner holding an item, surrounded by text. I slowly read it aloud, slightly mumbling.

"Hanc vim accerso. Dans mihi absolutam potestatem circumstantiae meae et omnia venio by."

I knew it was latin, but I couldn't understand much from it. I was about to close the book, not thinking much of it when i felt something in my chest, almost like it was a small flame, slowly growing bigger and bigger in my chest.

My legs collapsed under me, I put pressure on the table to keep myself upright, bringing my right hand to my chest, my skin felt almost like ice, a complete contrast to how my insides felt.

I moved down to my hands and knees, breathing heavily as the fire spread through my body, making my arms and legs burn while I tried to steady myself.

Nobody else was in the library, it was late, would I die here? Was what I read a curse? Am I going to turn to ashe because I read a stupid line in a book?

My vision tunneled, and I thought I might pass out but before I could, my vision went back to normal, the fire inside calmed down, feeling almost normal, but I could still sense something there.

After a minute, I pulled myself up, leaning on the table as I looked at the book again. The page was still open. Now, where the pages were empty, there was text, luckily in my language this time.

"What the hell." I mumbled, reading the lines. It detailed how to use magic. I looked back at the top of the page where more words were written.

"If you can read this, you now possess a beautiful and dangerous power only gifted to chosen people. Use it wisely. The gods are watching."

"Well" I mumbled, looking at the next page, it said something out summoning items. I hummed slightly, looking at a candlestick across the table, looking back at the instructions and doing as it said.

"See the object in your mind. Reach for it. And take it."

"Simple." I nodded, closing my eyes and picturing the candle and before I knew it I had the candle in my hand.

"Holy mother of-" I started to yell but quickly silenced myself, the library isn't exactly soundproof.

After a few more moment of trying not to freak out I grabbed the book, placing it under my tunic and leaving the library. Looking at the maids as they finished dusting the halls.

At the very end of the hall I entered my room. It was a decent size, enough for me to have a bed, desk, and dresser atleast. I opened the drawer on my desk but before I put the book in i paused.

What if someone comes looking? I looked around my room, going to my bed instead and put it carefully under the mattress, seeing no difference when I stepped back.

I put on my nightwear, laying on my bed and looking at the ceiling, unable to fall asleep remembering the events of today. Should I return the book? Or keep it and learn about the powers? As far as I knew, only nobles had the ability to utilize magic.

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When i woke up, I looked under my bed, wondering if what happened was all a crazy dream or not, but pulling out the leather bound book, I knew it wasn't.

I let out a small sigh, looking at the book again, I opened it to the first page, rereading the first of the directions, I looked at on my desk. Thinking about it for a minute. Then before I knew it I felt that same fire withing, slightly bruning more as the book appeared in my hands.

"Okay. This is all ok." I said, standing up and pacing slightly. "No- no, this is not okay. I'm not a noble, only nobles can do magic" I continued, rambling to myself. "This is just me imagining." I mumbled.

I flipped to the next page in the book.

"Feel the power within you, force it through your body, bring it to your hands and let it flow through your fingertip."

This text was accompanied by another picture, this one was a hand with a sphere of somesort floating in the palm.

"Ok. Let the fire flow through." I mumbled, closing my eyes once again and imagining the flames moving through my body. I could feel my arms start to heat up, opening my eyes i saw a small flame in the palm of my hand.

It was weird, I hardly felt any heat from it, the burning sensation under my skin slightly subsiding as the flame grew a little bigger, forming a ball that seemed like it was coated in glass, creating a light.

I looked back at the book, seeing the name of this spell.

"Lumen"

"It's just a light." I mumbled, closing my hand but the ball stayed, floating slightly, I touched it with my fingertip and it moved forwards slightly.

I let out a small laugh. "What the heck." I looked back at the book, seeing if there was a way to undo the light.

"To undo this conjure, grab the ball and give it a slight squeeze, it may burn, but that is just your body absorbing the mana again."

I grabbed the orb before it could get too far and did as instructed. I held back a small cry as the fire grew and fizzled back out. I could still feel it within me, but it was steady and unmoving.

After a few minutes of just looking at the book, there was a knock on my door. I hurriedly placed the book back under my mattress and opened the door, seeing Evangaline standing there with a maid.

"What are you doing. My horse was supposed to be tacked this morning and you're just sitting in here on you're lazy ass." She said, almost whining.

"Sorry ma'am. I'll get on it now." I said, putting my boots on and a different shirt before running out of my room.

I made it to the stables in what i would consider record time, although I may have been late, it still was.

I quickly grabbed all the gear for Jester, placing it on him, as well as giving him a few sugar cubes as an apology. Evangaline soon waltzed in, her nose up like always as she walked Jester out of the stables and to the trail.

I did the rest of my chores, cleaning out the stables, replacing hay, water, placing oats back into the buckets.

Soon i started bringing the other horses to the pasture so I could clean their stalls. The last one left was Valoras, Alias's horse.

I slowly opened the gate, knowing this horse didn't like me much, probably because his owner complains about me all the time.

"Hey buddy," I said, a slight bit of nervousness in my voice. He snorted turning away as I held up the reins and bridle to place on him.

"C'mon, work with me here." I said, staying against the wall as I quickly put the bridle over his head. "Was that so bad?" I mumbled, starting to walk out but he stayed completely still.

"You're joking right now. Yeah?" I said, looking at the horse. "Do you not want a clean stall." I said, pulling a little harder.

"Jesus christ, you're strong." I mumbled, dropping the reins and placing my hand on my hips. "You're supposed to be a nice horse breed." I complained.

"C'mon, I'll give you extra hay." I said, which seemed to get his attention as he started to follow me out. "Good boy." I said, giving him a sugar cubes as we walked.

"What are you doing with my horse." I heard from behind me, Valoras immediately stopping at the sound.

"I was going to clean his stall, unless that's a problem." I said, looking back. Alias stood 10 or so feet away, his arms crossed with slightly messy hair, i felt the same flame grow a bit brighter but I held it down.

"I'll take him." He said, walking over and taking the reins. His hand brushing mine as he took them, I swear I saw a slight hint of blush on his cheeks but I ignored it, going back to my work.

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[northwest-cryptid]

I really think people need to take this one to heart.

I understand that for many this is a joke, but it's also just a very real thing to do as an adult who actually cares about themself.

Listen I have spent entirely too long devoting myself to appeasing others, without any compensation.

You might be quick to say "Cryptid that's not how it works, you shouldn't expect anything in exchange for what you do!" To which I need to reply simply,

Why not?

Is it wrong to think I should care for myself? When I'm starving and can't put food on the table? When I can't afford the rent, the bills, or even my own car?

I'm literally having to sell my car.

Is it wrong to wish that people cared as much for me as I put effort into caring about them?

"well it just seems a little selfish you know..."

Or

"you could just get a job"

Or

"that's not my fault you're disabled and suffering, why should I have to suffer?"

Why, because you want more free personalized entertainment?

How? I'm literally too disabled to even stand for more than 5 minutes or drive. I can hardly breathe these days and who's even hiring? And what, are you going to demand I somehow spend what little time I have left after work creating more free personalized content?

What? If you consider it suffering for me to have to take my life back into my own hands rather than continue to make constant free fucking content I don't know what to say.

I've heard a lot of this shit before, look I've been streaming now under my most recent alias for 3 years and do you know how much money I've made? $390. That's it. That's not even a third of my rent, that doesn't even touch on food, rent, bills; I'm constantly having to beg for donations I do not get, I'm having to constantly rely on my partner to cover my expenses, I'm constantly suffering from health complications I can't afford to get help for.

I can't even get on disability because I don't have the money for it, ironic I know.

I don't even enjoy it anymore, I just feel sheer anxiety every time I go live, I hate it I hate it so fucking much. If I stream I hardly ever get to really talk about what I want to talk about, people make weird requests of me or trigger my existential dread (you know because apparently it's funny to bully streamers???) or talk about shit that scares off any potential sponsorships. If I don't stream people call me out for not even posting to my personal Tumblr.

I'm losing my fucking mind.

Tell me why I feel like a fucking monkey being told to dance for the amusement of others.

I'm no court jester, at least they were paid for being made a fool of.

I feel like I have no privacy, I don't get to act of my own volition anymore I'm just acting because I fear the consequences of not acting.

That's literally how I felt when I was in my abusive relationship. I'm scared to talk about it, I'm scared to do anything about it, I'm scared to take a step away and do what I want, for me.

Stop holding me to some kind of contract, stop expecting shit from me, stop asking anything of me, why do I owe anyone anything?!

I get it, people don't have to pay me, and I don't have to create fucking content either. I look at my friends who are making money at this and I desperately try to figure out what I'm doing wrong.

But the truth is I already know, I'm just scared to do/say anything.

But you know what, fuck that I'm nearly 30 and I need to put my foot down a little.

I want to have time to spend with my friends, it's hell not having the time or energy to even reply to my friends who are making an effort to reach out, they deserve better.

It's hell to feel like I'm dragging a corpse of my former interest around because I fear what will happen if I don't.

It's hell to exhaust myself with stress every day over the thoughts of others.

It's hell to fear even posting this. I don't want comments on this I just want to be able to vent 3 years of frustration before I have to go out there and deliver the news, probably tomorrow.

I'm tired of not being taken seriously.

From my gender identity to even the fact I got into all of this Vtuber shit because I thought I might be able to spread some awareness of Native matters and Lakota deity figures but lol no. Maybe I'd be able to distance myself a little better and just be a character and still have a private life, that didn't work out.

I'm just so fucking tired man, not even my close friends take me seriously as a streamer.

It's clear to me that my content isn't engaging enough to make it, and even my audience members have told me they don't like big streamers so like cool, how am I supposed to take that? You don't want me to succeed?

I've literally had sponsors tell me they're not comfortable with me repping their products because of shit that's been said on my stream chat.

At one point I was literally asked why the hell a chat member openly admitted to being a minor despite the fact my streams are marked as intended for mature audiences for sexual and explicit discussions and vocabulary. I didn't know what to even say because "oh that's just one of my regulars" doesn't exactly sound any better if you think I'm an adult streamer.

This is despite the fact that my streams hardly if ever include sexual discussions or depiction outside of literally shit being said in the twitch chat. Sometimes I'll vocally make a cheeky lewd joke but that's literally why it says 18+ at the fucking door!

But I totally understand why an adult company wouldn't want me repping their products on my streams if my audience includes minors openly admitting their minors. Despite the fact the stream I'd have been doing for them would have been entirely safe for work.

I'm actually really salty about that because it would have let me do a really silly challenge speedrun and educate people about adult entertainment products which is something I've wanted to do for a long time. Plus you know, pretty majorly I'd have been paid for it!

I have made so many fucking sacrifices just to appease an audience who cannot or will not give back on the investment in ways that I actually need in order to survive.

And yes, I do mean SURVIVE.

this was a last ditch effort for me, this was meant to be a hobby and now it's gone to shit.

Even now I can't get away from my streaming life, I can't take a break, I can't live my own damn life anymore.

So I'm channeling the mantra of if it sucks, hit da bricks.

It's time for me to focus on me, to be excited about my life and my future and what I want for once.

The future is looking good if I'm willing and able to put effort into the things that matter for my survival and future happiness.

You have no idea how upsetting it is to me that I'm scared to even actually post this shit.

Mood of the fucking month right here fellas!

[non-binharry]

On Louis’ irritation at the stuff being thrown at him: this isn’t the first time, and he isn’t the only one. Harry was clearly upset at fans dousing him with water because it was dangerous, and I specifically remember a time during OTRA where the boys were being hit with phones and soda cans, and Anne got angry enough to tweet about it because Harry had (or had almost) gotten injured.

Also, throwing food is wasteful and rude on its own, but beyond that, why are fans doing it? Because they think it’s funny and that they’ll get a viral reaction out of Louis for it. He has every right to be upset. Yes, concerts have a very different atmosphere to Broadway theaters and opera houses, but Louis is just as much of a professional performer as any of those people, and it’s insulting to actively mess with him while he’s working to perform well for people who have paid good money to see him, for no other reason than for a two second clip that’ll get them internet clout.

Artist aren’t there to be court jesters, and no one has the right to be rude to them simply because you bought a ticket. The entitlement. SMH.

completely agree! i did mean to make mention of the fact that even with harry, fans take it too far and have definitely taken advantage of how he interacts with them, and have ended up hitting him in the wrong spots on multiple occasions, which i think is more about bad aim than deliberately trying to throw something to get a rise out of him, but i think harry, for the most part, likes to engage with the things that get thrown to him because they're usually accessories, which is why you'll see him put them on for a moment. i think both fans and the artist can enjoy it, AS LONG AS the artist actually enjoys it.

but again, this is not normal or a standard for like any concerts outside of this fandom. your priority as a fan first and foremost should be to enjoy your favorite artist perform, and experience the music that they've created as it's their art that means a lot to both them and you. not to go and poke them with a stick just to see if you can get a reaction.

especially when that artist has all but explicitly asked for it to stop.

[ihopethisendswell]

Another funny bit I thought of. It's not gonna have the best grammar/ story telling but it's funny to me and I might rewrite it anyway:

This was an odd sight. Galar's Chairman Leon, gym leader Raihan, and former gym leader Piers are all standing before him. All of them are in casual where, of course, but it's easy to, well, tell who they are. Now the three most powerful trainers being at their humble restaurant is one thing, but what's stranger is the small man that they're....hiding behind? Like he isn't that tall, nor does he seem to be a trainer of importance. So why...?

"Um, miss?" The small one spoke up. The first thing he notices is his accent. Is he not from Galar? Unovan?

"O-oh, yes?"

" Uh, sorry for the inconvenience but uh, they asked for no pickles" the short man jesters two the three men behind him. Leon, for whatever reason, looks nervous, which completely different from how he looks on T.V. It doesn't help that Raihan is not so subtly teasing him about.... something. Piers looks tired and done with their shit.

"O-oh, uh, we ordered a while ago. Here's the receipt......should have started with that," he mumbled, handing him the receipt. Not that he needed to. Because, again, Galar's three strongest trainers were at their humble restaurant. Receipts be damn, if they didn't ask for pickles there not gonna get any!

"Oh no problem! Be right back!" she says. As he moves over to the back, he could hear the small man speak:

" I hate all of you. I feel like a Karen now. I hope your happy"

He speaks to them, the three strongest trainers in Galar, so casually. How does he know them! For how long? This is so confusing.....

After getting The Order( with no pickles), she gives it to the small man with the Unovan accent ( He's starting to feel a little bad calling him that).

"Ah, thank you. Sorry again for the inconveniences," he mumbled, his accent really showing. Leon, for whatever reason, still looks nervous. He's been looking at the short man for a while now he notices- oh. Oh. Could it- no that's crazy. There's no way that's happening here.

But.

" Oh no problem," the cashier waves his arms in dismissal, " you already paid right? No need to do that again. Though I must wonder..."

The short man( the cashier should've asked for a name), perks up a bit.

"Hm?"

" Are you from Unova? Your accent-"

" Oh! Yeah, I am actually! I'm staying here for a bit,"

" Well that's good! It means I got to see the rumor be true," The short man furrowed his brows in confusion.

"Rumor?"

Is it a bit impractical for him to start a conversation for this long with his customers? Yes. Is he holding up a line? No actually, there's hardly anyone today. Is what he's about to do very stupid and could get him killed? Absolutely. But in his defense:

It's funny.

" Yeah. There's a rumor about you Unovans. Particularly that your men are quite the looker," he eyes the short man up and down, and winks for good measure, " Though with you here, I guess it really a rumor isn't it?"

Ok. So. Many reactions.

Unanimously their in disbelief, the short man seemingly with it the most. The cashier can feel the heat coming of his face( and to be quite frank he wasn't really lying, this man is quite attractive). Raihan and Piers are both greatly amused by the looks of it, Raihan trying his best not to laugh. Leon is looks very neutral, which scares him, because that either means he thinks nothing of it, which means the cashier did all of that for nothing, or that he's suppressing the vast amount of annoyance that he has for him. Either way, he's fucked.

"O-oh, thank you....um, you too I guess" he then silently curses himself before quickly adding, " U-um thank you for the food, again, um.....bye" and he dashes in the opposite direction, out the door. Welp.

" Wha- Alexis wait up!" Leon, Galar's Chairman, called out, following the short man- Alexis- out.

" You are a mad lad," Raihan says as he runs of after the two, a wide grin on his face " An absolute mad lad,". Then he's out the door. The cashier could here his laughter echoing in the streets.

Piers merely let's out a sigh.

" 'Keep things low" they said. ' We don't want to bring to much attention' they said. Bullshit ," he turns to cashier with money in his hands. A tip. Nice.

"Sorry 'bout that. Thank you for your time," and he just. Walks out of the restaurant.

Man.

Wow.

His boyfriend is not going to believe this when he tells him.

[jams-sims]

#Hisoilluweek! @illumiszoldycks

Aug 16: Marriage. I really struggled with whether to make this serious or funny. So I decided on a nice medium. Somewhat canon in topic and then a lot of not canon in all of it. I may actually write more than one who knows. A little rough but i'll make a updated one on A03.

Tittle: Will You Marry Me

When Hisoka asked him to marry him, Illumi believed it to be a joke. Another thing to add to the laundry list of Hisoka eccentric topic. Used only to try and wedge himself into Illumi life more than he already had. Illumi mental fortitude was basically a fortified door that now had a hole in it where he could amusingly watch Hisoka try and fit his hand through.

He looked over the rim of his glass at Hisoka. It was as dull and passive as it ever had been. His evening had been going great, before Hisoka had open his mouth. To think he was going to let the subject slid by not dignifying Hisoka with an answer. Until he spoke again and this time it made him sit his glass down in barely disguised frustration.

"I haven't heard a no yet, are you considering it Illu-chan~"

"The lack of answer should already be a good enough no for you Hisoka."

Illumi hadn't been considering it, until Hisoka made that assumption. His family had long ago abandoned the idea of him bearing a heir to the family. When he was the eldest child, before Killua. It was something his mother talk about often. How he would be a father one day, get married to a beautiful women to bore powerful children just like his father. The small dates, if you could even call them dates, his mother would set up between nen family's. The awkward tension as the girls had been informed to just endure it for the family. Not like he had made it any easier, he would just stare at them for the first few "dates". Things became much more complicated as he got older and the women became bolder.

"Hisoka." Illumi started slowly as he lean back in his chair arms folded over his chest.

" I barely know your real name and you are disgustingly obsessed with fighting my father. What benefits do I gain from uniting with you?" Now he was considering it-

"It'll be fun, besides your father isn't the only one I wish to fight~." Hisoka lips curled into a twisted long smile. Shame on Illumi into thinking Hisoka would take his own proposal seriously.

Before illumi can cut in rendering the conversation done and over with. Hisoka added, "Besides you know half of my real name, Morrow does mean something right?"

Illumi desperately wanted to roll his eyes because even that sounded like bullshit.

"What do you expect to gain? Money from my family-"

"You know I don't want money Illu~chan" Hisoka made a show of his eyes wandering his body before locking those amber eyes on his face once more. He would be lying if he said a slight shudder hadn't gone down his spine. But that what he was good at.

"Besides its not like your family would care."

That has struck a chord inside of Illumi, Hisoka was right to an extent. Since Killuas birth, his mother attention had focused in on Killua. The "dates" had become less and less. He was expected to get married it was just no longer a priority.

His head tilted to the side as he looked across the table at Hisoka. Hisoka body was leaning forward. His head resting on his hand, his eyes were hoodie. The dark lighting of the bar made him look even more like a predator. That lazy smile that bordered between lustful and manic.

Illumi got up from his seat, Hisoka only leaning back to look up from his position still seated at the table.

"Try harder." Illumi simply said, as his gracefully left his drink on the table. Along with the bill for Hisoka to pay, he couldn't help but hear the small sound of a chuckle as he left.

Attempt #2??

Illumi had assumed after that conversation months ago. Hisoka would have dropped it. But Illumi should have known better than to challenge a bull wearing armor. Illumi had set out to ignore him, Hisoka would get bored and let it go. Illumi entertain Hisoka job offers if only to fill the time between family jobs. Those quickly ran it course and Illumi had stopped responding.

Illumi shouldn't have entertain Hisoka, it was a dangerous game and he was paying for it now. Hisoka had employed a tactic which Illumi had long forgotten with his youth to grab his attention. Killing his targets, It was like a game of hide and seek but with a lot more blood. Hisoka was petty, he would even goes as far as crushing the target head. Making it even more difficult to get paid. Illumi had assumed at first that he was going to have to track Hisoka down. But as he enter his apartment. A cool breeze wash cross his skin, along with the strong smell of blood.

"Oh illu~chan your home, welcome bac-" needles speed like lighting speed into his arm. Illumi didn't grace him with a reply, his annoyance had been building for sometime. And it quickly became a brawl, when his apartment was satisfactorily destroyed. Hisoka had sat upon his chest pinning him. That did nothing to settle the rage inside of him.

"Come now Illumi~ calm down you'll get wrinkles if you keep frowning like that." Illumi his his face was pensively dull and he wouldn't let the anger broach the surface.

"Get off me Hisoka."

"Calm down first~"

"I will not."

"Then I guess we'll be here a while huh?" As Illumi wen't silent refusing to engage in conversation with Hisoka. It was now he realized he was laying in a bed of broken glass. Nice sharp pieces were digging into his shoulders. He was going to break both of Hisoka arms.

Attempt#???

Illumi prides himself on his restraint, he was his mothers pride and joy. Hollow from the inside out but no, Illumi was assuming she must have missed some. Because being frustratedly fucked into the mattress wasn't something he normally did. Than again, dealing with Hisoka anything can happen. He just had a special way to get under his skin and into his bed. Illumi eyes wander to the other end of the bed. Hisoka looked way too satisfied for his own good.

"Will you marry me yet?"

"I refuse."

It was satisfying to watch all the hot air rush out of Hisoka with a pout. He had his pride to think about and it still wasn’t good enough.

When its good enough

It happens when he drenched in blood, when his bones are rottenly weak, and he can feel himself slipping into that deep dark void. Where his hair became that sea of black, as if it were life forum of its own. While it twisted and churned like black crows stuck in tar. He would not say it out loud, but he was grateful for Hisoka help. Although he would have been fine without it. But he knew it wouldn’t have been great for him to return home in such a state. The adrenaline rushed through his veins and he could piratically feel the bloodlust rushing off his counterpart. He could feel Hisoka eyes burning holes into the back of his head. When he turned toe face the annoying man, he realized he had not notice when Hisoka had gotten so close. His hands were entangled in his hair, those sharp fingers brough the inky black strains up to his lips. 

And for once Illumi had not said anything, with Hisoka face covered in blood and his hair hung lossy around his neck. All Illumi could do was tilt his head, of course Hisoka smile grew more and with a flourish with his free hand. He pushed his hair back into its natural state of being slicked back and spiked. They did not have a conversation that day, Hisoka simply left after Illumi confirmed his mission was complete.    It hadn’t mattered to Illumi at the time, he was not returning home to his apartment but back to the family home. Yet there was something that left him uneasy when the jester did not speak. It could mean several things and none of them were good nor good for his blood pressure. When he returned home, graciously greeted by the butlers and was directed to the nearest bath and dinner. He returned to his room he had spent the past 20 something years living in. It was depressingly bland, but he only needed the bare minimum. He found it odd his window had been open. The faint scent of blood lingered in the room and Illumi reflexively smelled his hands. It wasn’t coming from him, but then maybe something had died in the forest close to the manor. He walked over to the window when he noticed something sitting on his pillow. A golden wedding band it wasn’t expensive looking at all, no diamonds laid embedded in the gold. The more Illumi looked it over the less sure he became that the gold was real at all. It looked like someone had polished it recently, or taken great care of it, at the very least it had a touched up before giving it to him. Illumi sat upon his bed, twisting the ring around in his hand. He grabbed his phone and without much fanfare. He unblocked, hisoka number and simply texted.

“Fine.”

[ryosei-hime]

Laugh, Laugh, Cry: A Riot Rental

Angel rents Robo-Fizz to get to know him better. I should probably note that this is set pre-pilot, so it's just Angel on his own for the most part. With Cherri as his main friend and support. Also available on AO3.

Angel put out his cigarette and blew one last cloud of smoke in the air as he leaned back on the chaise lounge in his dressing room, waiting for his special delivery. He turned the business card the robotic jester had given him in his fingers lazily as he thought about it. 

He didn’t know why he’d bothered to call and rent him. He didn’t find him particularly attractive, not physically anyways. He certainly exuded a sexual energy that Angel could appreciate but the clown aesthetics were just all wrong for him. 

But he had a certain kind of charisma that made Angel want to get to know him more. Something mysterious? Chaotic, that was for sure. He seemed like he could be fun to party with and this was the easiest way to get in contact with him. He looked up at a knock on his door and smiled. 

“Come in.” 

The door swung open and Fizz posed seductively against the door frame, running his hands down his body as he shook his hips a bit. 

“Sp-special delivery.” He looked suddenly surprised to see him. “Why, Mr. Spider! We me-eet again.” 

“Like you didn’t know,” Angel sat up, a pair of hands gripping the edge of the chaise as he pushed himself forward. The other pair crossed as he gave Fizz an unimpressed look. “My name’s on the door.” 

“So, it is.” Fizz said with a grin, studying the star there as if just noticing it before stepping back out suddenly.

Angel quirked a brow and craned his neck in an attempt to see where he’d gone. Fizz did a short cartwheel back into the room, a stretchy arm pulling the door closed behind him as he landed on his knees and slid to the chaise lounge. His hands gripped the edge next to Angel’s to stop his momentum, leaning up towards his face. 

“Hi, hot st-stuff.” 

Angel didn’t move or let on how impressed he was by the new entrance. He did have his flair and his erratic behavior made Angel want to see what he’d do next. But he didn’t have to let Fizz know that.

“Hi, yerself,” he replied coolly.  

“Miss me?” 

“You left an impression.”

His free hands came up to cup the jester’s face. He had an adoring look as he stared up at him. Not that Angel wasn’t used to being admired. But he suspected it was no strange thing to Fizz either and he couldn’t be sure it wasn’t all part of the act. He was a client right now, after all. Fizz turned his face in towards a palm, smiling. 

“Wh-what’s on the agenda, sweethea-eart?” 

“Nothin’ really. Just wanted to see ya again.” 

Angel released his face and leaned back, posing just a bit. He didn’t feel comfortable enough with the other entertainer to drop the cool porn star act yet. Fizz stayed on his knees, and Angel could feel his eyes tracking up and down his body. It made him smile. 

“Like what ya see, pal?” 

“Who do-doesn’t like a masterpiece?” 

“Good one.” He smirked and held up a finger, beckoning him. “Get up here. If yer good, I’ll let ya touch the art.” 

Fizz did as he was told and joined Angel on the chaise lounge, keeping his hands to himself. Well, wasn’t he the obedient one? Not quite what he expected after the scene he’d caused when they’d met.

“What was all that at the party about?” 

“Fun,” Fizz replied, grinning. 

“You make a habit of pissin’ off yer clients?” 

“O-only the ones I don’t like en-enough to see again.” 

“Not a very good business practice.” 

“I don’t get to ke-ep the money so why should I ca-are? It’s more about what I think’s worth the b-beating.” 

Fizz’s voice was as sharp as his teeth and Angel wondered if that was the mask slipping a bit or still part of his act. 

“Ya got a phone?” 

“For wo-ork.” 

“That’s what I thought. Here.” 

Angel tossed a cheap prepaid flip phone at him. He looked a little confused as he caught it. 

“One your boss don’t have access to.” 

“Th-thanks, but I can’t give you fr-free sexting.” 

“I don’t wanna see ya as a client.” Fizz tilted his head slightly in confusion. “Thought we could hang out off the clock sometime.” 

Fizz chuckled. It started out low before he burst into a full on cackle. Angel raised an eyebrow and eyed him uncertainly. 

“What’s so fuckin funny?” 

“I’m always on the clo-ock. I don’t need to eat, sle-eep, or br-breathe. And I’m literal pr-property. You think I get ti-ime to myself? That’s the hei-height of hilarity.” 

“What, you never stop workin?” 

“Only for m-maintenance. An-nd as you can see, there’s as little of th-that as they can get away with.” 

“Shit, and I thought I had it hard.” Angel looked genuinely disappointed. “How’re we ‘spose to party together if ya don’t have time off?” 

Fizz looked intrigued. 

“You really want to be fr-friends?” 

“Sure, why not?” 

Fizz seemed thoughtful for a moment.

“I have an idea.” He grinned from ear to ear. “Offer to t-train me.” 

“Train ya in what?” 

“Acting. You’re the b-best porn star in the industry-y. Make Mammon think you could im-improve my ability to acquire repeat cu-customers and you’d even get paid to be with m-me.” 

Angel grinned back. 

“I like it. Yer more than a pretty face, huh?” 

Fizz’s conniving smirk turned into an innocent smile as he put a finger to his lips and tilted his head, eyes wide to enhance the cuteness factor. 

“I don’t know wh-what you mean.” 

Angel laughed and Fizz stuck out his tongue. Angel held out his second pair of arms as he leaned back, supporting himself with the first. 

“Well, I told ya if you were good you could touch the art. How’d’ya wanna touch it?” 

There was an excitement in Fizz’s eyes that was a bit flattering as he wrapped his arms around Angel’s torso a few times before pulling himself in and planting his face in his chest fluff. Angel shook his head as Fizz rubbed his cheeks against it happily. 

“Yeah, that’s a popular exhibit.” 

Angel let himself fall back on the chaise, taking the jester with him. Fizz curled up on top of him and he put a pair of arms around him in return. Another hand rested on his head. 

“You can be kinda cute, ya know that?” 

“I’m d-damn cute,” Fizz replied, voice muffled as he buried his face as far into his chest fluff as he could. 

Angel gave a little laugh. 

“First time I ever paid someone else to let ‘em feel me up.” 

“If y-you want your m-money’s worth, you still have an ho-our and a half to use me.” 

Angel’s hand stroked his head softly and the humor left his face. 

“Nah. That’s not what I’m after. I like this.” 

“It’s nice,” Fizz agreed. “You’re so-oft.”

“The arm thing ya got goin’ on’s pretty good. Ya get a lotta people wantin’ to be squeezed?”

“Yep.”

“Figures. You gotta be in high demand with crush fetishists.” 

“Th-they have to sign sp-special waivers. I’ve killed a few ca-cause they don’t know when to tell me to-to stop.” 

“Sounds like that’s on them.”

“What do you do wh-when you’re not working?” 

“Party mostly,” Angel replied. “Guess you only get to see the parties your clients take you to. Probably all borin as shit. We gotta get wasted with Cherri next time.” 

“I can’t get wa-wasted.” 

“Fuck what do you do for fun?” 

“Fu-fuck with people,” Fizz said with a laugh. 

Angel was caught off guard as he blew a raspberry in his chest fluff. He’d burrowed so far in that he managed to apply the tickling sensation directly to his skin. Angel shrieked in surprised laughter and pushed at his head. 

“Stoppit!” Angel cried, as Fizz fought against the pushing limbs to get another in. “Fermare!”

Angel pushed him off and held him up entirely, all arms out now. Fizz smirked down at him as he hung in the air, arms still coiled around Angel’s torso.

“Mm. I-i-I like em strong.” He gave Angel an appreciative grin. “Got anym-more arms hiding in there?”

“Crazy bastard,” Angel shot back, a faint smile lightening his features. “Do that again and we’re over. Got it?” 

Fizz nodded, the coils of his arm shifting around Angel like a snake as his hand stretched up to cross his heart. Angel lowered him again, cautiously, letting him cuddle close once more. He seemed so satisfied with himself, face the picture of smug as he rubbed his cheek against Angel’s fluff again. 

Angel honestly couldn’t wait to show the jester his first night of real freedom. As crazy as he seemed under someone’s thumb, it was guaranteed to be a wild night once he’d been set loose. He ran his hands over Fizz lazily here and there as they resumed small talk and planning. 

[berrymeter]

hi everyone this is my first fic be nice to me <3

in which y/n gets to bully mark tuan for free - somewhere over 1k words

It’s getting a little late, isn’t it ? You check your watch— just kidding, you don’t have one. What year is it, 2006 ? Don’t make me laugh. Rather than a clock bracelet conveniently placed around your wrist you lower your eyes to the bottom right corner of your laptop to confirm your suspicions… Ah, yes, the passage of time. You spent the entire damn afternoon scrolling through social media like some kind of zoomer-millennial-loser, again. (Chances are you’re one.) Still that doesn’t negate the fact that it is assuredly late now ; shouldn’t that passive aggressive twink-passing dude be back by now ?

Okay, it’s not that late. Just about time for dinner, the good ol’ almost-nine in the evening. Realistically you shouldn’t be complaining, you never actually have dinner with your problematic roommate nor do you eat dinner at an appropriate time yourself, but you open your notes app nonetheless and add another bullet point to your list: “Things I Get To Throw In His Face When We Have An Argument”. Build up your arsenal and release it all when the time is right, that’ll show him. An exaggerated sigh escapes your lips. Is it so hard to be punctual, after all ? He told you he’d be back by eight ! You’d planned to watch a movie together ! Not that it ever amounted to anything since an argument always broke out mid-film, but plans were nice every once in a while. You bite your bottom lip in annoyance, zoning out for a brief few seconds ( minutes ? Are you aware of time ? I’m not) as your eyes lose focus over the screen emitting all that nasty blue light, before deciding to just brush it off – at the very least, until he gets there. Once the door opens, it’s on. Some more scrolling and it gets you thinking, since your brain doesn’t have much better to do while he’s not here to get his ass jumped by you. You think. You think about how you referred to him as a “twink-passing” dude just a few paragraphs earlier. (You are currently in the mind of the narrator. I get to be y/n.) Why so ? Well, very simply, a twink would refer to a man who engages in romantic relationships with other men, or would at least be willing to. You’re unsure whether he would consider it. He sure looks like you could snap him like a twig though, so you call him a twink anyway. What’s he going to do ? Punch your kneecaps ? (Even if you are short, I, the writer, am shorter than you. I am offering you the ability to be taller than Mark Tuan. Use it wisely.) You think a little further, and think of how ‘twink’ has been used so many times as a joke, like it’s a funny insult. Is it right ? Are we not taking the term seriously enough ? You drop that train of thought soon enough. It doesn’t matter: twinks should be bullied. What convinced you of this is that twink from that NCT group, the one with the monosyllabic name. You nod to yourself. Yes, twinks should undeniably be bullied. (Note that I am a twink too, it’s okay, relax, I’m not calling for twink oppression. I mean I kinda am actually tho.) Within a few more seconds, your eyelids start to slip shut. Ah… What was that about the zoomer-millennial-loser thing ? You know it’s not easy these days to be productive, to find things you enjoy when you’re not in the right headspace, and being in the right headspace is not easy itself either. Work is tiring. You need those bucks, though. You struggle to work and then on your day off you scroll through social media. It doesn’t actually make you a loser, does it ? That’s what the bitter older generations will try to feed you, but it’s all wrong. You’re just living. Yes, you are. I’m proud of you. You made it this far ! Keep scrolling. Maybe get off Twitter though, that’s not how you’re going to make yourself feel any better in any capacity, unless your thing is pissing off ARMYs and getting terminated within the hour… The door unlocks. Your mind snaps back in. Wow, gee, at least you managed to pass time ! And it’s… yikes, you probably dozed off too during that time, because it’s past ten. An offended frown graces your features as you turn to look at that little bastard, that short fucking stick, that— “ Wha ! ” You get hit in the face with a purse… Damn, gay ass, he’s carrying a purse around now ? Wait, hold on. Why the fuck— “ Why the fuck did you do that ? ” you exclaim as you throw the purse aside. The devil’s looking at you with that passive aggressive smile of his on his face. Sickening. “ I heard what you said about Virgo men the other day, ” he responds, his voice barely hiding the pent up anger, “ and that wasn’t really nice, (y/n). We actually shower, you know ? ” “ Yeah, well, you’re gonna need to prove that, bitch boy. ” He grabs his keys and throws them in your face. Ouch, hey ! “ Stop that ! I wasn’t even lying, I— " His hand goes through his pocket while you speak and this time his phone hits your head. It’s enough. Quickly you stand, pushing your laptop aside and throwing the phone right back in his face… but it’s too late. He’s seen it. Your laptop. He gets a flash from the past ; years ago, when he was just a young Virgo man navigating this cruel world, although the world was at his fingertips by virtue of being a FUCKING Virgo man (tells you a lot about why the world is cruel), back when he met that so, so young Taurus boy, and he grabbed his laptop… You notice his glare. Your eyes narrow, and before you can yell out “No” he’s leaping for your laptop, grabbing it and holding onto it tight as you try to pry it from his hands. “ Let it go or I’m calling Jaybee ! “ the words shoot right out of your mouth. “ You think I’m scared of that catboy ? He showers even less than me ! ” “ Did you just admit to not showering ? Fucking nasty ! Go shower, stinky ! ” He roars in response, but it’s really embarrassing because he’s not a lion in any way, shape or form. He is, fortunately, very much human. You move your foot to rest it on his back (picture it: he’s on his stomach, across the couch, holding onto your laptop. So it is possible for you to rest your foot on his back). You put a little pressure on it, and his back cracks a little ; he goes “Ouch, fuck !”, and releases his grip. Yes, good, the laptop is yours (you knew that but I mean it’s in your hands again, don’t be annoying). Once again you put it aside – he uses that time to straighten himself up a little – but you have no mercy. You rush to the fridge as he follows suit, grab the bottle of milk, open it and throw it in his face. “ Jesus Christ, dude ! ” he yells out, completely inconsiderate of whether or not you’d like to be addressed as such. Don’t forget: as hot as he may be, he is a Virgo man. He does not care about you. Stop loving him right now. “ Guess you’re gonna have to shower for real this time, ” you comment, the satisfaction of this battle you just won seeping through your words. “ Fucking loser, lmao. ” “ Fuck you, (y/n). ” “ You look stupid as hell right now. Boo! Take a shower, you and your crusty musty ass ! That’s what you get for making me wait two hours ! You can’t even find the beat though, I guess you couldn’t find where to read the time on your phone. ” The court jester known as Mark Tuan proceeds to exit the scene under these humiliating claims, wiping some of the milk off his face with his milk-drenched shirt. “ Ew, ” is what you have to say to that. “ I beg you to shut your mouth right now, ” he responds from the bathroom.

But you don’t shut up. You’ve got your list, after all. You come closer to the bathroom door and lean against it, opening your handy dandy notes app – it's actually a Drive file so you can open it both on your laptop and your phone, handy dandy ! – and beginning to go through it all. " You remember when we moved in together and you stubbed your toe ? You thought I wouldn't notice how you blamed me for stubbing your toe on YOUR table that I hadn't even touched, and just casually didn't do any chores the next week ? Or the time I asked you to not touch my food and you went and ate all of it without even thinking about it, the time you threw my phone away because you thought it was too old and cheap to still be used by someone... Or worst of all, the time you said Zuko wasn't a 'compelling' or 'well-written' character, and that you found the Joker much more relatable... " " Go away ! " He kind of sounds like a child, not as in cute but as in immature for a grown ass man, and next thing you hear is the sound of rushing water. He's actually showering ? Damn, guess all that bullying paid off at the end of the day ! You smile to yourself but in an evil way. “ What a fucking embarrassing manlet lol, “ you mutter to yourself. Your job here is done (for now). All is well in the world. You go sit back on the couch, grab your laptop again, and browse AO3 for self-insert fics where you help Jinyoung and Jaebum hide their relationship by being Jinyoung’s beard. No way you’d get that close to Jaebum even in the dreamscape ; Mark was kinda right about him not showering…

[baddadjokez]

514 Dad Jokes

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.​I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.​Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.​Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!​I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.​What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.​How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.​I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.​Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.​I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.​My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.​Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.​How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.​What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.​Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.​There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.​What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.​What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.​Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.​Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.​How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.​The shovel was a ground breaking invention.​A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."​A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."​Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.​What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.​I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.​What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.​I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.​Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.​Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"​Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.​What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.​Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.​What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.​What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.​What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.​A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.​After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.​I used to be afraid of hurdles, but I got over it.​To write with a broken pencil is pointless.​I read a book on anti-gravity. I couldn’t put it down.​I couldn’t remember how to throw a boomerang but it came back to me.​What should you do if you are cold? Stand in the corner. It’s 90 degrees.​How does Moses make coffee? Hebrews it.​The energizer bunny went to jail. He was charged with battery.​What did the alien say to the pitcher of water? Take me to your liter.​What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs? You have a vowel movement.​The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray was a seasoned veteran.​Sausage puns are the wurst.​What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.​Why shouldn’t you trust atoms? They make up everything.​What’s it called when you have too many aliens? Extraterrestrials.​Want to hear a pizza joke? Nevermind, it’s too cheesy.​What do cows tell each other at bedtime? Dairy tales.​Why can’t you take inventory in Afghanistan? Because of the tally ban.​Why didn’t the lion win the race? Because he was racing a cheetah.​What happens to nitrogen when the sun comes up? It becomes daytrogen.​What’s it called when you put a cow in an elevator? Raising the steaks.​What’s america’s favorite soda? Mini soda.​Why did the tomato turn red? Because it saw the salad dressing.​What kind of car does a sheep drive? Their SuBAHHru.​What do you call a french pig? Porque.​What do you call a line of rabbits marching backwards? A receding hairline.​Why don’t vampires go to barbecues? They don’t like steak.​How do trees access the internet? They log on.​Why should you never trust a train? They have loco motives.​Is your refrigerator running? Better go catch it.​The future,the present and the past walked into a bar.Things got a little tense.​I saw an ad for burial plots, and thought to myself this is the last thing I need.​I just found out I'm colorblind. The diagnosis came completely out of the purple.​I'd tell you a chemistry joke but I know I wouldn't get a reaction.​Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming.​I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.​Read enough of our funny puns, and you'll be punstoppable.​Yesterday a clown held the door for me. It was a nice jester.​I used to go fishing with Skrillex but he kept dropping the bass.​The wedding was so emotional even the cake was in tiers.​What does a house wear? A dress.​Why can't bicycles stand up on their own? Since they are 2 tired.​I owe a lot to the sidewalks. They’ve been keeping me off the streets for years.​Imagine if alarm clocks hit you back in the morning.It would be truly alarming.​Why is a skeleton a bad liar? You can see right through it.​What do you receive when you ask a lemon for help? Lemonaid.​A man sued an airline company after it lost his luggage. Sadly, he lost his case.​What does a dog say when he sits down on a piece of sandpaper? Ruff!​What do you call crystal clear urine? 1080pee.​At my boxing club there is only one punch bag. I hate waiting for the punch line!​An untalented gymast walks into a bar.​Einstein developed a theory about space, and it was about time too.​I was accused of being a plagiarist, their word not mine.​My friends say they don’t like skeleton puns. I should put more backbone into them.​Let me FILL you in on my trip to the dentist.​Why does the singer of Cheap Thrills not want us to Sia?​Traveling on a flying carpet is a rugged experience.​Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.​The old woman who lived in a shoe wasn’t the sole owner,there were strings attached.​Did you hear about the crime in the parking garage? It was wrong on so many levels.​My new diet consists of aircraft, its a bit plane.​Have you ever tried to milk a cow which has been cut in half? Udder madness.​Why are there fences on graveyards? Because people are dying to get in.​Why do trees have so many friends? They branch out.​Models of dragons are not to scale.​Never discuss infinity with a mathematician, they can go on about it forever.​Why don’t some couples go to the gym? Because some relationships don’t work out.​Don’t trust people that do acupuncture, they’re back stabbers.​A persistent banker wouldn’t stop hitting on me so I asked him to leave me a loan.​I ordered a book of puns last week, but i didn't get it.​People say i look better without glasses but i just can't see it.​Don’t judge a meal by the look of the first course. It’s very souperficial.​I heard Donald Trump is going to ban shredded cheese, and make America grate again.​I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.​What do you call a young musician? A minor.​Police were called to a daycare yesterday, where a 2-year-old was resisting a rest.​If artists wear sketchers do linguists wear converse?​I changed my iPod name to Titanic. It’s syncing now.​Jill broke her finger today, but on the other hand she was completely fine.​I smeared some ketchup all over my eyes once. It was a bad idea in Heinz- sight.​I flipped a coin over an issue the other day, it was quite the toss-up.​I got hit in the head with a can of soda? Luckily it was a soft drink.​I heard that the post office was a male dominated industry.​Why isn’t suntanning an Olympic sport? Because the best you can ever get is bronze.​What do you mean June is over? Julying.​Why is Kylo Ren so angry? Beause he’s always Ben Solo.​These reversing cameras are great. Since I got one I haven’t looked back.​The candle quit his job because he felt burned out.​Our maintenance guy lost his legs on the job, now he’s just a handyman.​Going to bed with music on gave him sound sleep.​A magic tractor drove down the road and turned into a field!​I met some aliens from outer space. They were pretty down to earth.​The plane flight brought my acrophobia to new heights.​My phone has to wear glasses ever since it lost its contacts.​I, for one, like Roman numerals.​How do mountains see? They peak.​The show was called Spongebob Squarepants but everyone knows the star was Patrick.��This is not alcohol, water you thinking?!​Novice pirates make terrible singers because they can’t hit the high seas.​I told my friend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.​The earth's rotation really makes my day.​If I buy a bigger bed will I have more or less bedroom?​Two peanuts were walking in a tough neighborhood and one of them was a-salted.​Two ropes were walking in a tough neighborhood and one of them was a-frayed.​What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? Sneakers.​I got a master’s degree in being ignored; no one seems to care.​After eating the ship, the sea monster said, I can’t believe I ate the hull thing.​Smaller babies may be delivered by stork but the heavier ones need a crane.​A bartender broke up with her boyfriend, but he kept asking her for another shot.​I had a pun about insanity but then I lost it.​He couldn’t work out how to fix the washing machine so he threw in the towel.​Why does the man want to buy nine rackets? Cause tennis too many.​Why don’t cannibals eat clowns? Because they taste funny.​If I got paid in lots of Pennes I would make loads of pasta.​I thought I saw a spider on my laptop, but my friend said it was just a bug.​A doctor broke his leg while auditioning for a play.Luckily he still made the cast.​The tale of the haunted refrigerator was chilling.​Why are frogs so happy? They eat whatever bugs them.​If you wear cowboy clothes are you ranch dressing?​I was addicted to the hokey pokey but I turned myself around.​Simba, you're falling behind. I must ask you to Mufasa.​I bought a wooden whistle but it wooden whistle.​The bomb didn't want to go off. So it refused.​The sore mummy needed a Cairo-practor​I feel sorry for shopping carts. They’re always getting pushed around.​The display of still-life art was not at all moving!​On Halloween October is nearly Octover.​Pig puns are so boaring.​Why couldn’t the dead car drive into the cluttered garage? Lack of vroom.​What do you call Samsung's security guards? Guardians of the Galaxy.​What does Superman have in his drink? Just ice.​How does a penguin build it’s house? Igloos it together.​Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.​The safe was invented by a cop and a robber. It was quite a combination.​What do you do when balloons are hurt? You helium.​One hat says to the other, "You stay here, I’ll go on a head."​How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles.​When does a farmer dance? When he drops the beet.​When the scientist wanted to clone a deer, he bought a doe it yourself kit.​If people ask how many puns I made in Germany I reply, "nein"​Did you hear about the invention of the white board? It was remarkable.​If Donald Trump becomes president, America is going toupee.​Can February March? No, but April May.​I hate Russian Dolls, they are so full of themselves.​What do you do to an open wardrobe? You closet.​The magazine about ceiling fans went out of business due to low circulation.​So what if I don’t know what apocalypse means? It’s not the end of the world!​Some aquatic mammals at the zoo escaped. It was otter chaos.​A backwards poem writes inverse.​Getting the ability to fly would be so uplifting.​I asked my friend, Nick, if he had 5 cents I could borrow. But he was Nicholas.​The soundtrack for Blackfish was orcastrated.​Where do you imprison a skeleton? In a rib cage.​There’s a fine line between the numerator and the denominator.​I used to work at a hairdresser but i just wasn’t cut out for it.​Why is metal and a microwave a match made in heaven? When they met, sparks flew.​The lumberjack loved his new computer. He especially enjoyed logging in.​Garbage collectors are rubbish drivers!​When the church relocated it had an organ transplant.​Lettuce take a moment to appreciate this salad pun.​The scarecrow get promoted because he was outstanding in his field.​Sleeping comes so naturally to me, I could do it with my eyes closed.​I never understood odorless chemicals, they never make scents.​What do prisoners use to call each other? Cell phones.​Why was dumbo sad? He felt irrelephant.​When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.​Old skiers never die. They just go down hill.​Did you hear about the pun that was actually funny? Neither have we.​You know why I like egg puns? They crack me up!​Want to hear a pun about ghosts? That's the spirit!​I used to make clown shoes… which was no small feat.​Did you hear about the human cannonball? Too bad he got fired!​What happened when the magician got mad? She pulled her hare out!​Did you hear about the circus that caught on fire? It was in tents.​The one day of the week that eggs are definitely afraid of is Fry-day.​A hen will always leave her house through the proper eggs-it.​The man who ate too many eggs was considered to be an egg-oholic.​All the hens consider the chef to be very mean because he beats the eggs.​Eskimos keep all of their chilled eggs inside of the egg-loo.​Under the doctor’s advice, the hen is laying off eggs for a few weeks.​I had a real problem making a hard-boiled egg this morning until I cracked it.​The best time of day to eat eggs is at the crack of dawn.​The chicken coop only had 2 doors since if it had 4 doors it would be a sedan.​Crossing a cement mixer and a chicken will result in you getting a brick layer.​That reckless little egg always seems to egg-celerate when he sees the light turn yellow.​Hopefully this egg pun doesn't make your brain too fried or scrambled.​Don't ever have multiple people wash dishes together. It's hard for them to stay in sink.​People using umbrellas always seem to be under the weather.​I dissected an iris today. It was an eye-opening experience.​What was Forrest Gump’s email password? 1forrest1.​What planet is like a circus? Saturn, it has three rings!​Before my father died he worked in a circus as a stilt walker. I used to look up to him.​Why did the lion eat the tightrope walker? He wanted a well-balanced meal!​I really look up to my tall friends.​I hate negative numbers and will stop at nothing to avoid them.​Long fairy tales have a tendency to dragon.​It takes guts to make a sausage.​Why shouldn’t you give Elsa a balloon? Because she’ll “Let It Go”!​What do you call cheese that’s not yours? Nacho cheese!​How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogie in it​What do you get when a witch goes to the beach? A sand-witch!​Where do cows go on Friday nights? To the mooooo-vies!​What did the mommy tomato say to the baby tomato? C’mon, ketchup!​Why did the banana go to the doctor? Because he wasn’t “peeling” well!​What did one snowman say to the other? Do you smell carrots?​Why didn’t the skeleton go to the dance? Because he had no body to go with!​What is a pirate’s favorite letter? Arrrrrr!​What does a piece of toast wear to bed? His pa-JAM-as!​What does one eye say to the other eye? Something between us smells​Why did the chicken cross the playground? To get to the other slide!​What happens when an egg laughs? It cracks up!​What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear!​Why didn’t the teddy bear want dessert? Because he was stuffed!​Why can’t you tell a joke while ice skating? Because the ice might crack up!​What do you call a pig that knows karate? A pork chop!​What’s mommy and daddy’s favorite ride at the carnival? A married-go-round!​How did Cookie Monster feel after eating all the cookies? Pretty crummy!​What do you call a skunk who flies in a helicopter? A smelly-copter!​What do you get when you shake a cow? A milkshake!​How do you catch a squirrel? Climb up a tree and act like a nut!​Why did the bee get married? Because she found her honey!​What did the ocean say to their airplane? Nothing, it just waved!​Where do eskimo pigs live? In pig-loos.​What’s a dinosaur called when it’s sleeping? A dino-snore!​What did the cookie say to the annoying cookie? Crumb on!​Why did Mickey Mouse go up in space? To find Pluto!​What does Olaf eat for lunch? Icebergers!​What letter is always wet? The C!​How do you throw a space party? You planet.​How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.​Nope. Unintended.​The shovel was a ground breaking invention, but everyone was blow away by the leaf blower.​A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."​A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says "Make me one with everything."​Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.​What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.​The broom swept the nation away.​I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.​What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back for seconds.​What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.​I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.​Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.​Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says “Do you smell fish?”​Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in france? There was nothing but des brie.​Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.​What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.​Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.​What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.​What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.​What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.​A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.​After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.​I used to be afraid of hurdles, but I got over it.​To write with a broken pencil is pointless.​I read a book on anti-gravity. I couldn’t put it down.​I couldn’t remember how to throw a boomerang but it came back to me.​What did the buffalo say to his son? Bison.​What should you do if you’re cold? Stand in the corner. It’s 90 degrees.​How does Moses make coffee? Hebrews it.​The energizer bunny went to jail. He was charged with battery.​What did the alien say to the pitcher of water? Take me to your liter.​What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs? You have a vowel movement.​The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray was a seasoned veteran.​Sausage puns are the wurst.​What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.​How did Darth Vader know what luke was getting him for his birthday? He could sense his presence.​Why shouldn’t you trust atoms? They make up everything.​What’s the difference between a bench, a fish, and a bucket of glue? You can’t tune a bench but you can tuna fish. I bet you got stuck on the bucket of glue part.​What’s it called when you have too many aliens? Extraterrestrials.​Want to hear a pizza joke? Nevermind, it’s too cheesy.​What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.​What do cows tell each other at bedtime? Dairy tales.​Why can’t you take inventory in Afghanistan? Because of the tally ban.​Why didn’t the lion win the race? Because he was racing a cheetah.​Why did the man dig a hole in his neighbor’s backyard and fill it with water? Because he meant well.​What happens to nitrogen when the sun comes up? It becomes daytrogen.​What’s it called when you put a cow in an elevator? Raising the steaks.​What’s america’s favorite soda? Mini soda.​Why did the tomato turn red? Because it saw the salad dressing.​What kind of car does a sheep drive? A lamborghini, but if that breaks down they drive their SuBAHHru.

[whipped-for-kpop-fics]

Kingjin au

Characters; Kim Seokjin , Min Yoongi , Kim Namjoon Genre; Humour and I guess fluffy ending. Royalty AU too ig Warnings; Few minor curse words but otherwise nothing Word count; 1.4k

Seokjin is a shit King, Yoongi is fed up of being his babysitter and Namjoon is just an innocent jewellery maker that gets dragged into the King’s shit. But ends up with a worldwide handsome man in his bed so who’s the real winner here.

⦁ Okay so we start the story at the castle where the yearly ball is held to celebrate another year under King Kim Seokjin's reign ⦁ Speaking of the King ⦁ He's standing on his chair at the head table as music plays and guests dance and talk ⦁ And he's telling jokes ⦁ People are laughing in that painful way where they don't find the joke funny but don't know what else to do ⦁ I mean, you'd laugh too if your ruler is playing comedian ⦁ "Your Majesty, I believe you've graced us with enough of your jokes now"- Advisor to the King, Min Yoongi or as he's more commonly known; The King's babysitter. ⦁ "Nonsense, Yoongi-chi! I have plenty of jokes left! I can go all night!" ⦁ Somehow, he failed to notice the despair in his subjects eyes. ⦁ Fast forward to the next day where Yoongi is lecturing Seokjin yet again about how a king should act ⦁ "I'm the King, I think only I can judge how the King of my country should act" The childlike pout and sulkily folded arms over the slumped torso of the king is prime example of how Yoongi got his nickname. ⦁ "Nobody takes you seriously, Seokjin. I'm surprised the people haven't started an uprising to dethrone you yet. You act like a child." ⦁ "My people would never! They love me!" ⦁ "As a court jester, sure, a competent ruler however? Not so much." ⦁ "Oh you'll see, this country would fall apart without me!" Followed by a dramatic exit from the advisor's office leaving poor Yoongi with yet another headache and stacks of work to do on the King's behalf. ⦁ That night Seokjin sneaks out of the castle with a plan to prove his point ⦁ He's determined to prove to Yoongi that the country needs him as King and that by the next evening, everything will have fallen to shit ⦁ Except the next day passes and the castle still stands ⦁ Seokjin watches from a little cottage on a nearby hill with his eye pressed to the smaller end of the telescope. ⦁ "A-are you going to return now, Your Majesty?" Poor innocent Namjoon never imagined he'd get dragged into anything even remotely regarding the Royal family. ⦁ Namjoon had always been happy on the outskirts, far enough from the general population to not be bothered but still close enough that he could bike into town to gather provisions whenever he needed to. ⦁ He lived a simple happy life out there on his little hill with the wild flowers and books he pressed them into to make into bookmarks and jewellery that he sold at the market once a month ⦁ And then before the sun had even arisen that morning King Kim Seokjin stumbled out of the nearby woods and onto his porch. ⦁ He hadn't left since ⦁ "Not until they beg," ⦁ Namjoon sighed for he knew the last thing anyone would do was beg to have Kim Seokjin back in charge ⦁ So suddenly Namjoon's life was no longer simple and quiet but full of a sulking royal taking up his own bed and lounging on his favourite arm chair by the window to squint out across the green green grass at the castle ⦁ "I saw another guard today," Namjoon had just returned from his daily ride through the woods. ⦁ "What did they say?" ⦁ "Well, they're not exactly going out of their way to look for you," He admitted and the king groaned, throwing his arms up dramatically before muttering to himself grumpily in a way Namjoon was certain would've been a hex if only magic was real ⦁ Three weeks passed before Seokjin realised his plan was failing and the castle was thriving without him ⦁ In his absence Yoongi had been making all the decisions and the country was honestly better for it ⦁ But of course, if King Seokjin is one thing, it's a stubborn dumbass ⦁ "New plan, Namjoonie," ⦁ "Do I have a say?" ⦁ "Not in the slightest." ⦁ Which is how that very same afternoon Namjoon found himself standing infront of Yoongi on the opposite side of his large wooden desk in his office ⦁ "Ransom?" Yoongi questioned after reading the note previously handed to him that the advisor instantly knew was written by the king ⦁ "Uh, yes, ransom." An awkward shuffle. ⦁ "You're telling me you've had the King in your home for the past three weeks and now demand to be paid to return him?" ⦁ "Yep, that-that's what the note says." ⦁ "You know I was raised with Seokjin, right? I know how handwriting almost as well as my own?" ⦁ Namjoon only gave a sheepish grin. ⦁ And then Yoongi turned and tossed the note into the fireplace behind him before getting up and crossing his study to uncover the safe hidden behind an end table ⦁ A large sack of coins was soon in Namjoon's hands. ⦁ "Here," ⦁ "This...this feels like a lot." ⦁ "Mmh, at least double what you asked. You'll need the compensation for dealing with his shit." ⦁ "Uhm, excuse me, what?" ⦁ "Keep him, if he's gone for a day longer the council agreed to hand the title of King to me. Let's all be honest right now, he's a shit King." ⦁ "I mean, I can't argue that," ⦁ "So, keep him until tomorrow and then tell him he's no longer King and if he returns he'll have to work for me." ⦁ "Can't you tell him?" ⦁ One note handwritten by Yoongi later and Namjoon was plodding back home with his messenger bag weighed down with shiny coins. ⦁ He made sure to take the longe route home just so he didn't have to try to keep the secret from his uninvited guest for quite as long ⦁ And then it was almost midnight and he was stepping into his cosy little cottage ⦁ Seokjin was already asleep in the armchair ⦁ Namjoon spent the night in his own bed for the first time in three weeks ⦁ The next morning he gave Seokjin the note ⦁ He expected the elder to yell at him for hiding it ⦁ He expected Seokjin to scream and do more of his posessed mutterings and curse the whole town ⦁ But the no longer King simply plucked a few pieces of gold from the sack and opened the front door ⦁ "Where are you going?" ⦁ "Does it matter? It's all downhill from here," And then he was gripping the doorframe for support as tears rolled down his cheeks and laughter hurt his lungs "Get it?! Because we're on a hill!" ⦁ It was the first time Namjoon had heard one of Seokjin's infamous jokes in person ⦁ And honestly, he laughed ⦁ Seokjin turned to him with a warmth in his chest that he had never felt before ⦁ "You laughed, at my joke. A real laugh, not the fake ones to keep me happy." ⦁ "It was funny," ⦁ The door closed and Seokjin marched across the wooden floor to throw his arms around the kind younger man's shoulders ⦁ "Uhm, Seokjin-ssi?" ⦁ "Hyung, call me hyung," ⦁ "Oh...okay, hyung." Namjoon's arms wrapped around Seokjin's waist ⦁ For the first time in his life, Namjoon thought that having another person so close wouldn't be so bad. ⦁ So Seokjin officially moved in ⦁ He collected a few of his belongings from the castle and made Yoongi promise to visit and invite both him and Namjoon to all the parties ⦁ Namjoon taught Seokjin about the flowers and how to make various things to sell at market and improve their home ⦁ Seokjin didn't have the best skill but he had a lot of creative ideas ⦁ Soon enough their crafts were the talk of the town and not long after the country ⦁ Even though they had plenty of money to spare they stilled stayed in their modest little one bedroom tucked up close together every night with love in their eyes and swelling their chests together ⦁ And they just knew that they would have a long and happy life together right there where it all started in their little cottage up on the hill

[Author’s note]

This was supposed to be just a quick lil bulletpoint au based on the prompt;

“You kidnap the King of a large country and hold him for ransom. You are shocked when you received twice what you asked for from them with a single note reading: ‘Twice the amount to make sure he never comes back’ ”

But I got more into the idea as I wrote so yeah, more detailed than it should’ve been oops lol sorry I keep playing with the idea of making it into an actual fully written story but im not sure Let me know if you think I should and maybe it could be a whole series and we can have new King Yoongi hire an advisor, mayhaps a certin little Jiminie ;) But that’s getting ahead of myself (guard Hoseok and Jungkook NO! swordsmith jk with the muscles and sweat ehehhe. Namjoon’s florist friend tae who is lowkey in love with the town swordsmith but too shy to talk to him. Little does he know the swordsmith has a weakness for cute boys that sell pretty flowers for a living.)

~Chee

[youarejesting]

BTS365 Prompts

[Masterlist]

Please tag me in your work if you use my prompts. I want to see your work. Ever your Jester.

Tell me your birthday and I will tag you on your special day!

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        April 30th - 6th

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Kim Seokjin: No pants

Jin was currently working on a large project. It was a delicate thing he was producing truly from the heart. He had been planning this for weeks gathering some tools for the job from various sources. He set up his live stream ready to show the Army what he was creating. So there he was slaving away sweat collecting across his brow. He was exhausted but he continued showing the Army how his ideas and processes formed together. And that’s how you found him, no pants with such precise hand motions,  he was really working up a sweat. 

“Why are you doing That on a live stream?”

“Shush, I'm almost there,” he panted now using both hands, for the grand finale.

“Can I help?” You said thinking it would definitely end this whole show a lot quicker.

“Yes!” His voice cried out, throwing his hands up in the air excited. “I did it.”

“Congratulations you made pancakes”

“These aren’t just pancakes, I got them the same size five or take a millimetre or two and stacked them perfectly” He grinned proud

“That’s a pretty neat skill Jin, you should take a photo” You reached for your camera but as you looked back up he was cutting into them and eating happily.

Min Yoongi: Space

“Hey Yoongi do you have a piece of paper?”

“Yeah rip one out from any of those books” He sighed and you walked over to the small pile when you found a children's notebook, this one had a rocket ship on it and you opened it up towards the middle to rip out a page cleanly, but there was some roughly scrawled words. 

I wish I could go to space camp. But Mum and Dad can’t afford it. It’s okay if I don’t go, we can have fun on our own. Love Min Yoongi

Your heart melted and you closed the book without paper and you googled the nearest space camp and you told the other boys that it was for Yoongi’s birthday, they seemed rather excited packing their things and you packed for Yoongi and yourself. You had hired out the facility to run a camp for the group and some camera men this was something that the Army couldn’t miss.

Jung Hoseok: Free  

Waking excited Hoseok went for a shower and brushed his hair. He dressed and shined his shoes. Today was the day and he was so excited.

“Jung Hoseok?”

“Yes sir” He smiled at the entry, the door slid open and he was escorted through the building and down to an office. There was a mountain of paperwork to sign and when he was done they handed him another change of clothes.

He was so happy his fingers caressing the fabric of his favorite shirt. He was quick to change and they smiled. He was nervous, walking out the front door and the gate opened slowly and there you were waiting for him on the other side.

His little pregnant wife. He held you in his arms and kissed your face all over dropping to his knees and whispering to your round belly.

“I am so glad to have you back”

“J-hope!” The boys shouted running in their shirts reading. ‘Enjoy your Freedom!’

“Did you get any cool prison tattoos?”

“No I didn’t it was only three months guys”

Kim Namjoon: May the 4th be with you  

You were at a convention dressed as Queen Padmé Amidala you felt self conscious about your stomach being on show and the tight outfit. That was until you walked into a very elaborate dark figure. 

“Oh sorry I wasn’t watching where I was going. I really like your outfit wow, this is honestly the best Darth Vader I have seen” You smiled admiring the work that had been put into it and they still didn’t speak. 

“Oh my gosh can I get a photo of you both” someone asked and you smiled and the two of you posed together and you had soon gathered a crowd people taking pictures and asking for you to act out scenes and soon a Yoda appeared painted green and grinning, alongside a gold shiny C-3PO a chewbacca and a tiny dog dressed as R2D2. Everyone was getting pictures when you heard. “Can we get a kiss?”

“Anakin takes off your mask, you put a lot of work into replicating the character” The Yoda whispered to the tall dark figure.

“But she is so pretty and I am a nerd”

“Dude she is a nerd too, she is dressed as a star wars character at a convention full of nerds”

The crowd was cheering as C-3PO was doing a very amazing Robot dance choreography. Along came a broad shouldered man dressed up as slave Princess leia, a very lethargic Han Solo and a smiling Luke skywalker.

“Take of the mask Anakin” the Yoda and the chewbacca lifted the mask and revealed a very handsome Anakin you heard some whispers about him being asain so he didn’t look like the character but you thought he was even more handsome.

“Kiss, Kiss, Kiss” The crowd chanted and he looked up at you with a blush across his cheeks and you pulled gently on the front of his costume until his lips met yours. His friends started cheering as did the crowd and you pulled out a small piece of paper from your pocket and wrote down your number and a quick message before you walked away.

“What does it say?”

“May the fourth be with you” He chuckled and you heard a laugh that reminded you of a weird clown or horse wiping down some windows.

Park Jimin: Herb  @anaiss97​ [Full story] Not much was known about the young Korean man who showed up to all the parties. All anyone knew was that he was the biggest flirt and he had the herbs everyone wanted. Honestly, it didn’t matter what you wanted he had it somehow. You were at one of these parties, it wasn’t really your scene. 

Usually, you had no problem but tonight you really just couldn’t. So you were trying to find a place to get a quick nap, you opened the first door to see the Host with his boyfriend chatting quietly.

“Sorry I was looking for a place to rest”

Seokjin smiled “You can have the room or perhaps if you want we can entertain you?” 

The two smirked and you blushed once more. “No I really am tired and want to sleep, I was working on a thesis all night last night and–”

“Say no more sweetheart, rest” you climbed into the blankets, Seokjin switched the light off and you were resting drifting off easily. ~ The light switch flicked on and even with your eyes closed you felt blinded. You couldn’t stop the harsh shriek that pierced the air. “What? What is it now!?” 

“I am sorry” the voice was soft and unrecognizable as its owner switched the lights back off, “Can I sit for a moment?”

“Sure” you mumbled laying back down, you could smell the stranger’s beautiful cologne and you got curious. “Turning your phone on and using the light of your lock screen to examine the stranger's face”

Ash-blonde hair painted on the side, he smiled wetting his thick lips with his tongue. 

“Ah it’s you” dropping your arm back to the bed no longer feeling uncomfortable, all the encounters you had with him were pleasant, he always used endearments because he never remembered names. 

“You know me, baby?” He took his phone and repeated your process to stream a soft light over your face. “Oh my, baby it is you, what are you doing in here sleeping your usually the brightest in the room”

“Thesis” you mumbled and he hummed taking your hand. 

“Hey listen how about I make you an offer tonight you can ask for anything you want and I will give it to you for half price if I don’t have it I will give you the next best thing for free” the lamp beside the bed was clicked on giving a soft orange glow throughout the room. 

“You got fried chicken?” You hummed looking over at him curiously you were craving it. He opened his jacket. 

“I got a warm meatball sub, a packet of lollipops a container of home-cooked spaghetti, I got spare underwear in all different sizes this is a set of slippers when your feet get sore in heels, juice, mixers spirits I got herbs for days this one will make you happy this one calms you down this one here has you seeing pretty colors this one has you asleep till morning, this is my house special it takes like a cinnamon donut” he looked over. You shook your head and he sighed lifting a gym bag onto the bed, “alright brace yourself, I got spare clothes, ramyeon packets, a scented candle, batteries pet food, I have painkillers, cold medicine, I have this thing which I think was an Easter egg, I got a 3DS, a switch and a variety of games, I got a can of tomato soup, yet no can opener weird, I got a heat pack, I got this adult diaper and I don’t know why, and a spiderman comic”

“No” you sighed

“Tell me what you want and if I know I don’t have it it’s free” he hummed 

“I want a cuddle?”

Kim Taehyung: Thirst

Owner of the club ‘Thirst’ was just a front business, you were actually a hacker. A good one, if you were feeling like bragging. You were kind of in hiding and couldn’t really trust anyone you didn’t know before the incident. Who knew your skills with a computer would lead to a government website which you breached enough for them to call it treason.

You were just snooping around the dark web when you stumbled upon documents of some truly disgusting things one of them actually made you physically ill. But your computer system began screaming at you that they were reverse tracking your baby. It wouldn’t be easy, you had a unique code and half of it was utter nonsense. Saying goodbye to your baby. You destroyed everything on it. Packed everything and left. Thank god you had done everything card less, you worked for cash you paid cash and you did some shady business with people so that you would never be traced.

You moved just in case and started a front business so that in the event anything happened you would have an alibi.

“Manager-nim the computer is doing something funny, can you call the technician?” Yoongi called quietly, the guy was a terrible ‘people’ person , an excellent DJ and an expert in mixing cocktails.

“I can have a look” You smiled

“No manager last time you almost broke the computers, you don’t understand them like we do” Hoseok pushed you away from the registers and subsequently the computers attached to them.

“Manager you just boss us around okay, that's your job and we will follow your orders as it is our job”

“Manager-nim, you have a young man in your office waiting for his job interview.” Jimin cleaned the tables dressed in a charming club aesthetic. His job was to clean tables and lead people into buying more drinks. A host.

The man in your office was handsome like your main host Seokjin and charming as Jimin. Your bouncer Namjoon stepped in briefly giving you a courtesy greeting alongside the new trainee Jungkook he had potential especially with all those muscles. All your workers doubled as bouncers; they all had their strengths.

“So Kim Taehyung is it, what makes you want to be a host at thirst?”

“I really want to make friends and I can’t flirt with girls. What I mean is I can if it is for work but I can’t just do it on my own so I would like to gain more confidence” You nodded, it was all lies you had searched him thoroughly, he worked for the government more specifically the Cyber coordinator and he was here to gather Intel.

This was going to be fun.

Jeon Jungkook: Nurse

Nurse Jeon. Yup that title gave him a lot of grief from his friends and he hated it, just cause he was a man didn’t mean he couldn’t be a nurse. Sure he aimed to be a doctor, but things didn’t work out and he wasn’t accepted into medical school, so he aimed a little lower and became a Nurse.

In his opinion he was a kick-ass nurse, he worked in the Pediatric ward and spent most of his time bringing smiles to the kid's faces, he made his rounds with ice creams and cups of pudding and jelly. He sang and danced for the kids and played superheroes and he was always Ironman. The highlight of his day was when the doctors would do their rounds, not only did he admire them and their job so much he admired you and how brilliant and beautiful you were.

“Oh Aera, look at this little tool, do you know what it does? It lets me listen to your heartbeat, would you like to listen to mine first?” The young girl nodded “Wow you are a pro at this you could be a doctor when you are older”

“Doctor Y/N, Do you have a boyfriend?”

“Uh... No, why do you have someone in mind?” You grinned

“Nurse Jeon” she smiled and you giggled 

“He is cute isn’t he, but I get nervous around boys and I can’t really talk to them and Nurse Jeon is really handsome, what if he doesn’t like me?”

“He does, he told us when he got drunk off chocolate puddings” a young teen in the corner nursing his swollen cheeks after dental surgery. Jungkook was making extreme hand gestures at the young boy smirking across the room. “This was before he announced he was Iron man and ran around the room pretending to shoot lasers from his hands and making all the shooting sounds”

“Well if he is Ironman than we must be destined to be together, Ironman is my favorite superhero”

[leoxerickson]

At The Beginning || Leo & Rosaline

@thenorthernrose​

12 Years Ago... In the Northlands...

It was about half past noon when the young thief made his way down the corridor. A light whistle filling the air as he went. It had been about a month since the first time Leo had returned to Chateau Mer Sereine after his mother’s disappearance. The handmaiden was all but forgotten in the grand Chateau. A thought that seemed to creep its way into Leo’s mind and torment him in the middle of the night. But, today was not the day to dwell on how expendable people like him seemed to be to the nobility. Today was, instead, the day he had planned to swipe some of the Desrochers family jewels.

He had been scouting out the palace for weeks, parading around as the court fool no less. A sight that, more likely than not, would send his father into an early grave. It was almost funny how far the young Erickson had fallen. He used to play in these halls as a kid, imagining what it would be like when he grew up and became a knight. He wondered if it would prestige, pacing around the corridors with the Gold Crown and Red Roses craved into his armor. He used to wonder a lot of things, but he never could have predicted that the armor would be exchanged for a floppy hat and oversized shoes with bells on the ends. Bells which he had removed the bobbles in to stop them from producing any sort of sound. It made it easier for him to sneak around that way.

It was the perfect disguise really. Court jesters were there to be poked fun at and cause a good laugh. They were unpredictable idiots in a way that was amusing to no end. But, they weren’t ones to often be paid attention to during their times off. Leo used the spontaneous nature the court’s fool was known for to his advantage.

Passing a few maids down the hall, Leo waited until he was far enough out of their line of their sight before dipping into what at the time would have been the Crown Princess’s quarters. He had already managed to swipe a look at the future queen’s schedule and was sure she was supposed to be no where near her room for at least another hour or so. It was more than enough time for him to make off with some of the noble’s less valuable possessions.

He wasn’t planning on taking anything she’d miss. He was looking for items such as antique vases or some earrings that never seemed to be worn. Something along the lines of a jewel encrusted pen. Something that would go unnoticed for people whom had everything, but would mean life or death for himself and the few other street kids he kept an eye out for now and again. It would mean a warm meal that hadn’t been dug out of the trash. It would mean a bed and place to rest his weary head. It would mean not having to return home and face how disappointed his older brother must have been of him- how disappointed he was with himself.

Popping off the funny hat, Leo began plucking up the smallest knickknacks and paperweights he could find. Dropping them into oversized material, he continued to rummage around right up until he heard the sound of a creek of a floorboard behind him. Fuck, Leo thought. It was time to run. But, instead of knocking the first thing he saw over and darting towards the nearest window, Leo slowly turned around on the back of his heels to face the other.

“Hey… How’s it going?” Leo let out a low whistle, shooting the Princess as innocent of a smile as he could muster as he placed the hat back on top of his head. Holding it in place so that it wouldn’t spill over with all of his spoils.

Rosaline: The day had not been going well for the Crown Princess of the North. Her schedule had recently been fleshed out with royal duties to attend alongside her parents, and though she had been educated from an early age how to be future Queen, it was more difficult to put into action. Rosaline was good at hiding her mistakes and embarrassment, but it was enough to boil over by the time the sun set. 

She had managed to sneak away during teatime, craving the solace of her room to breathe easier and check a welt on her arm from archery practice. Rosaline could already feel the tenseness in her shoulders start to ebb as she hurried down the hall to her bedroom. What she wasn’t expecting was to see the bright stripes of the court jester clashing with her furniture. She slowed and stepped carefully in slippers, eyebrow arched high in suspicion waiting for the intruder to turn and see he was caught red handed. 

“These are private rooms.” Rosaline said sharply. “No one in your position…” Her words faded when she recognized the jester beyond the floppy hat and jingling bells. “You.” She had heard the whispered rumors around court when Leo dropped his knight training. It was a rare occurrence for Northern boys born to the privilege. She crossed her arms stiffly, “Why are you poking around my things? Give me one good reason I shouldn’t call the guards on you, Leo.”

Leo: “Oh! Are they?” Leo feigned innocence, blinking around the room as if he had set his sights on it for the first time. “My bad, your highness,” He said, bowing in her gesturing. His hands still glued to the side of his head as he tried desperately to balance the now stuffed hat on top of him. “You know I knew something seemed off, put I just couldn’t put my finger on-“ Leo started to say, but his words cut off as Rosaline recognized him.

Shit! Leo’s brain was practically screaming at him to drop the hat and make a mad dash for it. He could fling himself out the window if he really needed to. It wasn’t that far of a drop down… Or if arrested, he could live a fairly quaint life behind bars. They’d probably feed him better than how he had been eating up until this point, he mulled his options over in his head. “Leo? Leo who? I’m not-“ He tried to argue, before letting out a stiff sigh.

“Alright, alright. I’m sorry, Rose,” Leo said quietly. His tone growing soft, but serious for the first time since he entered the room. Slowly taking the hat off of his head, Leo placed it down on the vanity table with his stash along with it. “I mean I wouldn’t say it’s a good reason, but… for food mainly? I also owe some guys a whole lot of money and if I don’t pay them off soon, they’re gonna come for head or worse- the last people they saw associate with me which happen to be a couple of street kids. But, that’s not really anything you need to worry about. I mean you’re a princess after all, right? I’m sure you have more important things to do than to be concerning yourself with likes a thief.” Nor did he really think she would. The Desrochers didn’t seem to have a care when his mother went missing and she had devoted her life to serving them, so why would they give a second thought towards a boy who was robbing them blind? And the more he thought about it, the more the window option was becoming a lot more appealing…

Rosaline rolled her eyes as he tried to act clueless and anyone other than he so clearly was. Being taken for a fool was almost the greater slight than being stolen from. She stepped up to the vanity where Leo had placed his hat and the items he’d swiped. It was nothing she would have noticed, at least not for a couple of days. Still, the betrayal stung slightly and Rosaline pouted to herself as Leo slowly came clean. 

She wanted to point out, first and foremost, it was Leo’s choice to be living on the streets now. He could still be training  as a knight and safe in the barracks, but he’d given that up. But Rosaline had also been visiting the poorer villages and sections of the Northlands, she saw what hungry people looked like. She would not know the strife personally, but she had witnessed it and understood. “I wish you weren’t wearing that stupid outfit.” She murmured, “You stand out like a sore thumb.” Rosaline was already trying to strategize the food issue, at least.

“I’m the princess. It is my concern. They’re still my people.” She scowled at him slightly, “What sort of trouble did you get yourself in to, owing money?” Rosaline looked him up and down, Leo clearly had so little to spare. “If you put my things back, and don’t run away – I’ll help you. We were friends, once upon a time.” Friends for Rosaline were hard to come by.

Leo: At the sight of the slight pout against the young girl’s lips, Leo felt a wave of guilt wash over himself. A feeling he all, but forgotten until that very moment. A sudden urge over came him to reach out and brush his thumb lightly across her lower lip as if to will the pout away, but he resisted. A person like him wasn’t capable of comfort like that anyhow. So, instead, he just stood there. His gaze soaking her in as he watched her debate over in her head what to do with him.

A soft smile traced across his lips at her comment about his ridiculous attire. “You and me both, Princess,” He admitted. Running his fingers through his tangled locks as his gaze fell down to his feet. “But, it worked, didn’t it? Up until now anyhow. It’s hard to imagine anyone would be dumb enough to steal looking like this and yet, here I am,” He let out a low whistle as he gestured to himself. He had fleeting thought that maybe, just maybe, he might make her smile? But, as soon as it popped into his mind, he thought better of it.

“I know. But, you’re also a girl. One whom I imagine has a hard day which is why she’s chosen to come back earlier than anticipated, only to be rudely interrupted by some fool,” He met her gaze. Not looking at the scowling girl before him as a princess, but as a person. “How off am I here?”

He didn’t need her to answer, to know that he was right. Playing different parts had already given him a sharp sense when it came to reading people. “Don’t worry about that. I’ll figure it out. I always do. Same goes with the food. I am respectfully relieving you of your duties, even though I would prefer if you didn’t call the guards. I don’t want to take away any more of your time you should spending on you. That and being locked up doesn't exactly sound pleasant... And I um… I didn’t think you’d remember,” He admitted. His hands slipping into his pockets as he gave her another light shrug.

Rosaline: “Just barely.” Rosaline responded dryly, lips still pursed in observation over Leo’s completely changed appearance. It would be easy to miss him if one didn’t give a second glance, and who would give any jester a second glance? The Desrochers had better duties to attend than that. That’s what made the disguise so clever, but then here they were face to face, and there was no mistaking him. “You’re dumb enough to pull it off for as long as you did.” Rosaline jeered him.

But the slight playful attitude was quickly pulled from her when Leo pinpointed her day so perfectly. He’d been gone for so long but could waltz back in and see her better than her parents or close handmaidens. It bothered her. “You’re just a boy.” She shot back defensively, “Have you really come to terms with turning your back on everything your family did before you? Do you think that makes you brave?” She just saw a desperate hungry thief instead. 

Even though her words were harsh, she didn’t fully hold them against Leo. Rosaline would be damned if she’d be relived of her ‘duties’ from him though. “I can get you sandwiches and treats from tea.” She answered instead, “Just meet me by the kitchen later.” She took a seat on a stool by the foot of her bed. “Given the chance I could recognize you in a crowd of thousands Leo Erickson.”

Leo: “Aw come on, Rose,” Leo said, taking a small step forwards, just enough to be able to whisper in the girl’s ear, “You’re honestly telling me you don’t find me in this get up amusing? Even in the slightest?” He asked. He cocked his head slightly to the side as he looked her over as if searching for the smallest hint of a smile across her lips. “Not quite the smile that I was hoping for, but I’ll take it,” Leo chuckled at her jest. His tongue running across the front of his teeth as he shook his head lightly in her direction.

But when the Crown Princess reminded him of his place, Leo found himself recoiling back the step he had taken. His eyes zoning in on a spot on the floor as he rocked back and forth on his heels. “I know,” Leo’s words were all but a whisper after a long drawn out pause. He knew he was nobody. He was a criminal and a thief among a long list of other equally negative adjectives. He was on a path of destitute, while she was destined for greatness. He had no right to even be standing there let alone looking at the future Queen to be. That was how things were supposed to be and, yet, here he was.

He lifted his head up towards her. A brow raising at her question. “Brave? No. Foolish? Maybe. But, would that really be anything new for me?” He said with a nonchalant shrug, despite the weight behind his words. “I mean let’s play this out, shall we? Say I did what every other Erickson has done before me? Say I became your dear knight? Then what? Hmm? I take orders I don’t agree with that will inevitable get me killed or have me vanish into the night? No ones gonna send a search party or mourn a guy like me. You said it yourself. I’m a just a boy. While you? You are going to travel the world and forge decisions. You are going change the course of history. You are going to get married to some Prince or Duke or some other guy with a title that, let’s be honest doesn’t actually mean a whole lot other than the fact that they have some whoopididoo prestigious parents and won the lottery at birth,” Leo exclaimed, messing his fingers through his hair as he did. “Everyone acts like being a knight is this prestigious thing, but the truth is, either way? Knight or not, you’re the one who will make the history books, while I’m the one who’ll be forgotten. And if I’m going to be forgotten anyways, then I might as well get live freely while I still can. Is that what you really wanted to hear, Princess? That I’d rather starve than stay in line?” The truth laid buried in between his words; Leo didn’t become a knight because he was afraid to end up like his mother- squandering his life protecting a family that wasn’t his.

“I can’t do that, Rose,” Leo spoke softly. Shaking his head back and forth as he took another step back towards the window ledge. “I can’t meet you in the kitchen, just like you can’t relax around me because you’re a Princess and I’m a prideful nobody and that’s the way it has to be.”

Rosaline: “You act as if every guard and soldier is disposable. The past may lead you to believe so, but that is not how I plan to run my kingdom.” Rosaline spoke with slight breathlessness. If that is how Leo and others looked at her she would prove the opposite if she had to. She didn’t want to be feared or resented. Not even as a princess. 

Rosaline shook her head, “I don’t understand how you can believe living off the streets is more prosperous than under Desrochers barracks- but you have made your decision.” A slight against his family, against her, she lifted her chin slightly in her own defiance: Rosaline wanted to scold herself for feeling that ache in her chest, but the emotion was there nonetheless. Leo was only disposable because he believed it, and he’d only be a street urchin as long as he kept himself there. 

But then he openly refused her, and her expression turned into a momentary grimace. “If we’re keeping with decorum make your escape. Or I have to turn you in.”

Leo: “Maybe not every guard or soldier, but can you honestly promise me I would not? I have no doubt you will be an incredible leader, Rosaline. But, if a war happens, there will inevitably be collateral. I mean you speak of everything my family did before me, but can you honestly stand there and tell me one of those knights names and what they stood for that was so extraordinary? Because I can’t,” He didn’t mean it in a slight against her family. He understood why his brother and the men before him chose to serve. He just didn’t see the point in it himself and how he could he look her in her eyes and fight for something he didn’t believe in? “I can’t and I wouldn’t necessarily say it’s more prosperous. I just don’t believe being a knight is for me is all. You’re talking to a boy who values his freedom more than anything. Who values the free will I have to stand before you and speak my mind instead of having to bow and refer to you as your highness or your majesty. And sure this freedom could get me locked up or killed, but at least it would be my stupid mistake that brought me here.”

“If I could be my brother, I would. But, I’m not and I know you don’t. But, hey, if it’s any consolation, you’re not the only one,” He admitted quietly under his breath. No one ever seemed to understand why. He was treated like so much of a disappointment from one simple decision that his own father wouldn’t even look him in the eyes. At least Lucan would speak to him, but it wasn’t without a saddened or downcast disposition. Everyone he cared about seemed to see him as a boy who threw his life away while he viewed himself as someone fighting for something bigger; Fighting for a world where a princess and pauper could stand on equal playing fields, where a boy like him might be able to approach a girl like without any false pretenses, and the highest position he could hold in society wasn’t a solider. But, those democratic thoughts of his would be treasonous if he ever dared speak them out loud.

“Always about the decorum, huh Rose?” He asked her cheekily, despite the solemn look in his eyes. Lifting himself up onto the window sill with ease, he glanced back at her once more. “See you around, Princess,” The thief gave her a salute before taking a step backwards. Sliding down the slated part of the roof, he disappeared out of sight.

End.

[plounce]

JUST READ YR DR WHO WDMK AU CONCEPT AGAIN AND IM SO EMO THANKS

THANK YOU IT IS CLASSIC ROB MOLLYGLOCK FARE………. also im still just so like. hrmmmmgh. about the fact that the third time caleb sees molly is the last time molly sees him. because Molly Dies Saving Him And Nott. and molly having to hide how used to caleb he is, and having to pretend he’s not as comfortably besotted & happy to see him as he actually is because no spoilers!

i am also so like… into caleb seeing molly again after he died for the first time on molly’s end, and on the one hand there’s excitable gung-ho jester SO excited about the carnival and the mystery and the running around the market planet that they’re doing… but also her shabby chaperone/chauffeur who just can’t stop Staring at him? and molly loves attention/being paid attention to, but it’s so much more than the gawking/ogling he’s gotten in the past, because… well. WE know why. but caleb is much better at hiding that he Knows molly than molly ever was vice versa

(more under the cut because god if i am anything but a big stupid rambling dumbass)

and then caleb pulls some heroics (although of course jester saves the day) and molly is like oh this guy is Cool! (because before that caleb was barely talking (because he was coming to terms with like. Molly Is Here And Oh God I’m Gonna Be In Love With Him/Am Falling In Love With Him n all)

and then the carnival falls apart and molly realizes that jester WASN’T stretching the truth about how caleb here has a time and space traveling machine, and caleb hesitantly (because he’s afraid of maybe doing something he’s not actually Supposed to do) volunteering to try to fix the vortex manipulator gustav gave molly before he was arrested, and molly hops at the chance to get outta here! especially because he has found out that the planet has some people who Knew him before he was molly.

caleb slowly but faithfully works on the vortex manipulator when they have downtime, trying to stop himself from working too slow but also working too fast - adds in some features he can remember molly mentioning/using that aren’t present in the original device he has in his hands - and they adventure through the cosmos.

at some point molly finds his coat in one of the closets (see the first post) and caleb was certain that he’d closed off that room to prevent paradoxes, but molly comes swanning into the console room with the tattered burnt thing, eyes alight with delight and asking hey can i have this? it’s outrageous! and caleb can do nothing but stop and stare and have gears turn in his head, until molly goes so… that’s a no? and caleb sputters for a moment and then finds himself saying ja, ja, it is all yours. it is very… you.

after that, it’s a common sight to find molly stitching and repairing the thing, filling in the holes and rips with exotic fabrics and threads he finds around the universe, making it all his (and such, exactly as it looked in caleb’s memory, but cleaner and more whole). caleb doesn’t say anything except prompted-by-jester compliments on what a great job molly is doing with it, and he wonders.

one of the “episodes” in the jester&molly companionship involves molly being Kidnapped! by the tomb takers. or some kind of thing involving lucien coming back to bite him. and caleb almost tries to just escape (because he’s trying to outrun the hurt he’s going to have when molly leaves him for the “first” time and for “later” when he leaves him by dying) and jester is like NO you fucking NUMBNUTS im gonna CRASH THIS SPACESHIP IF U DO THAT! HE’S DEPENDING ON US and caleb is like oh god of course. christ alive what was i thinking i’m the worst. and he does the right thing, because of course, he wouldn’t be caleb if he didn’t eventually do the right thing, no matter how tempted he is by selfish running

molly doesn’t leave right after that but it’s sort of the beginning of the end of the jester&molly era. there’s some more filler and then one more big adventure where molly gets to be the one who saves the day and there’s like… a moment where one of them is knocked out and the other like. strokes their cheek. U Know. or smth like that that indicates the beginning of the blossoming of Real Concrete Feelings.

i think it might be molly who does that to caleb because i think caleb has been having little moments like that throughout the season? because he already had time to see molly being great - to see molly in love with him (i think it’s kind of easier to fall in love with someone when they’re already in love with you (not in a Bad way - you get what i mean)) - while this is molly first seeing caleb and discovering all the things he likes about him. because molly always falls for caleb faster than caleb falls for molly.

oh ok here’s a sample idea - caleb falls in some fashion, molly runs to him, checks he’s still breathing - but The Plot Timer is still ticking so he consciously stops himself from fretting and mutters to himself “time for that later” and kisses caleb on the forehead So sweetly (u know.) and then runs back to the plot

after that, caleb realizes there’s nothing else he can do for the vortex manipulator, and molly is in the console room sewing or embroidering or darning socks or whatever, and caleb clears his throat and says “mr. mollymauk” and molly visibly perks up, and caleb thinks to himself, so fondly, he has never been able to hide it. and then he puts his fondness away and says “i believe i have repaired gustav’s device.”

and molly brightens, and then his face falls for a moment, and then he makes himself smile again and goes over to caleb, who shows him how to make it work, all while molly leans against him and watches.

one of the filler eps yasha appears! caleb and nott met her at some point before molly - caleb didn’t know she and molly were close until molly’s first meeting. i think she has like… uncontrollable space travelling herself. made of stardust or something. weird scifi stuff (handwave). i like the idea of her slowly starting to shimmer like on her hand or something and knowing that soon she’ll sort of dissolve into glitter like she’s being beamed up in star trek.

anyway we get to see a private conversation between them where molly talks about all these Funny Feelings he’s having and how he’s kind of scared of them and how he doesn’t think caleb would be comfortable travelling with him if he knew about them. he’s never felt like this before, and it’s… it’s weird. he doesn’t want his happiness to hinge so much on someone else. despite everything, he has a very strong instinct to flee responsibility and commitment, and that instinct is at war with his affection for his traveling companions.

so yasha offers to travel with him for awhile when caleb finishes fixing gustav’s device, as long as she can - she thinks caleb and jester get into a lot of very serious fun, and does molly even want to get into that many world-shattering ethical dilemmas a month? molly laughs, says yeah, you got me, i’m kind of thinking about splitting off on my own to… sort all this out in myself. and it wasn’t fun to have a target painted on jester and caleb’s backs because of shit lucien did. that’s not their problem.

he thinks that maybe one thing he’ll try to do - as he stumbles across it, of course, he’s not gonna devote his whole life - is stamping out lucien’s bloodstained and corrupted legacy (this is in part because he spent this season being around caleb and learning that like… you should help fix the past, doesn’t have to be atonement, but you should do what you can where you can with what you have to right wrongs). he’s kind of scared of being alone but he’s met so many people on his travels, helped them and made them smile - and he knows

there is always the tardis, somewhere in the universe, with a dear friend inside.

so anyway, yasha sends molly the coordinates of where she is, and caleb gets the tardis to that place, and the four of them hang out for a day or two, one last hurrah. and then … well, time to go! molly likes goodbyes to be easy, doesn’t like drawing them out. “and i’m sure i’ll you see you again someday,” he says, and caleb gives him a crooked smile and replies, in a rare moment of loose lips, “that is very, very likely.”

and molly brightens because he understands by now caleb’s way of talking around his own knowledge, and this goodbye feels easier because it’s not forever. they have a long way ahead of them! how exciting, to know there’s a future, to know the future has friends in it.

as jester says goodbye to yasha, molly tugs caleb away and thanks him for everything, and caleb thanks him for everything - and there’s that look in caleb’s eyes again, like he’s drinking him in like a man headed into a desert, and molly doesn’t quite understand why caleb has always looked at him that but he know it excites him, emboldens him - emboldens him so much that he darts in and kisses caleb, right on the corner of his mouth, closed and chaste but still a kiss.

then he turns to skip away, saying “i look forward to meeting up with you, mr caleb,” trying to make this not a big deal so caleb doesn’t feel pressured or uncomfortable (kind of cursing himself for being an impulsive bastard when he shouldn’t have been), when caleb catches his wrist or arm or whatever, and he says “you too, mr mollymauk,” and he leans in and kisses molly on the cheek. and molly’s giddy and caleb’s a little embarrassed and they’re both just standing there, smiling a little stupidly and just… excited about this Thing between them.

and then jester’s hollering KISS! KISS! KISS! DO A REAL KISS!!!!!! WITH TONGUE!!!!!!!!!!!! and molly’s hollering back YOU HAVE TO PAY FOR A SHOW and caleb’s laughing softly, and oh, he’ll miss this, but there’s so much he knows he hasn’t seen yet, and right now he feels like he can cope with the grief always hanging over him.

[shesquiinnsane-ar]

❖ @venenosaramera ❖

THE THOUGHT CONFUSED Harley as Ivy knew better than most that Harley and ‘balls’ weren’t usually placed within the same sentence. It got her thinking, though. There were so many ways to kill a man, or whoever this person was. It could extravagant, wild with enough of Harley’s own flair to keep it separated from her own thoughts.  “ Maybe I should start giving out lectures? ”  the jester spoke with a soft yet playful tone.  “ There’s always a different between a psychopath and sociopath. I actually have real emotions. ”  

That was the basic principle, the essence of Harley’s being. She had her emotions, and didn’t fake them like a literal psychopath in Gotham. Psychological terms had to be used the right way around her. Although sociopaths were defined as ‘willing to blend in more’ by many of her textbooks, something Harley could argue with herself it was her personality disorder that sealed the deal. Histrionic Personality Disorder. It was a funny thing really, and over abundance of lust for any person that paid attention. It had even been labelled socially as a ‘female psychopathy’ but it was more than that. She wasn’t as extreme. There was the reckless risk-taking but she thrived off her emotional attachments, something a psychopath could never achieve. 

“ I lie and cheat at cards as much as the next person but I feel far more for people like you, Red. I could blow my own trumpet but I don’t have an orchestra dedicated to me and my movements. The number one thing though, I care an’ ya know that, Pammy, don’cha? ” 

[nihilisticlinguistics]

NOTT THE BRAVE PLAYLIST BREAKDOWN:

Shoplifting | The Slits: “Ah, the thrill of the perfect crime. Yes, Nott the Brave steals for survival… but let’s not kid ourselves — she also kinda loves it.”

Sam is definitely in full goofing form for his first song or two. It’s his favorite pattern--joke, joke, joke, twist. This song is literally an account of shoplifting, one of Nott’s favorite hobbies. The old strategy appears in these lyrics; Caleb talks to the shopkeeper, who “won’t suspect” while Nott sneaks various trinkets into her packs and clothes. As the campaign has gone on, however, we see her stealing less and less. As Sam once pointed out, it’s a lot easier to steal things when you can pay for them. At one point we see her mail a package of stolen baubles to Felderwin (A Favor in Kind); the next time she sends off a package, she simply pays for the types of things she wants to send off (Commerce and Chaos). There’s an adrenaline rush to theft, for sure, but she can get that rush by adventuring. The thrill of “doing a runner” is still there, but it’s been absorbed into the day-to-day life of the Mighty Nein.

Ugly | Violent Femmes: “Funny tune, but also how Nott views herself. Loudly, constantly, mockingly ugly.”

Sam’s little explanation pretty much sums up the point of this song on the playlist. Nott’s image of herself is complicated, even more so now there’s the possibility she wasn’t always a goblin. I find it very interesting that this song is from the perspective of someone else. Not only does the song speak to Nott’s view on her appearance, it also expresses how others treat her because of how she looks. The line “Ugly-- you’re no friend of mine” in particular gets to this idea that Nott has been rejected time and again for her outward appearance--see how Lawmaster Norda in Trostenwald reacted to Nott in episode four, for example. Although this song is also silly in tone, it’s still pretty revealing. It does make me wonder how Yeza reacted to Nott-the-goblin, and how his response to her (changed?) appearance affected her self-perception.

I Will Follow Him | Peggy March: “Meeting Caleb ignited a flame of hope in our skittish goblin. She quickly pledged herself to his protection and care. Where he goes, she will follow.”

This song is unquestionably a song of devotion. But devotion to whom, exactly? As we’ve recently seen, Nott’s bond with Caleb bears more than just a passing resemblance to her relationship with Luke. Nott has grown close with Caleb, her dearest friend and surrogate child, and will follow him anywhere he goes (though perhaps not anywhere after all, as we see later in the playlist). The lines “and nothing can keep him from me/he is my destiny” are standouts here, because they seem to represent what Nott sees as her ‘endgame,’ i.e., no longer being a goblin. Flip the narrative around, however, and we see that something has been keeping Nott from Luke, in spite of her best efforts and “trying to get back” but “not being strong enough.” It seems that in Luke’s absence, she hasn’t just transferred her protective instinct to Caleb but also her desperate desire to be with her child--one that has a significant obstacle attached to it, where until now, nothing has come between Nott and Caleb.

The Wizard and I | Stephen Schwartz: “Remarkably perfect song reflecting Nott’s dream of being saved by the magic of a wizard. Favorite line: ‘Would it be all right by you if I de-green-ify you?’”

Yeah...Sam’s blurb calls out the number one line in this song, for sure. But there are other parallels here, too. In the first part of the song, Elphaba learns that her own magical abilities that she’s tried to suppress might be the way she can get closer to the Wizard of Oz and eventually achieve her dreams. Nott, similarly, has latent magical abilities that Caleb has been teaching her and encouraging her to explore on her own, further strengthening their bond. Elphaba has been hoping to meet the Wizard (and by implication to be rid of her green skin) “since birth”--and if Nott was indeed reborn as a goblin with her adult memories intact, she would be in the same position. The lines “and this gift or this curse I have inside/maybe at last, I’ll know why” are also really interesting in this context. With the speculation that meddling with the beacon caused her to be reincarnated or transformed into a goblin, the idea that being around Caleb might lead her to answers about why it happened suddenly becomes a lot more possible--since without Caleb and the rest of the Nein, Nott might never have known what the Beacon, or dunamancy, was, and perhaps never would have heard about the reincarnation powers it holds. 

I Got Drunk | Mal Blum: “Brilliant track about the monotony of drunkenness. Nott relies on her inebriation more than she probably should. But booze is always there, a steady, reassuring friend.”

“It’s just so easy when there’s nothing else to lose,” Blum’s first verse says. And isn’t that the position we found Nott in when the story began? Without a home, without a family, and with almost no hope left--just the chance that Caleb could one day be powerful enough to change her. The later line “I’ve got to drink ‘til I am dead or I am numb” points more to how Nott drinks to self-medicate or cope. She definitely seems to use the alcohol as a coping mechanism for her body dysmorphia, and the fact that drunkenness makes her immune to fear calls to mind the halfling traits that she lacks--or has lost. She drinks to numb out both her pain and her fear. Nott wants to “drink ‘til I get drunk, do something dumb,” and indeed, she does get seriously reckless and more impulsive when intoxicated. 

Brave | Riley Pearce: “In this song, I hear less about bravery and more about trying to be courageous for someone else. This is a powerful driving force behind some of Nott’s finer moments. She’s not trying to prove anything to herself — she’s doing it for another person.”

It’s unclear if Sam’s referring to Nott’s past when he mentions “someone else” or if he’s speaking more generally about how Nott’s bravery depends on her being needed. “I’m just trying to be brave” is literally the entire chorus, and we see that in how Nott drinks to overcome her fears, but also in her presumed desire to become (or return to being) a halfling. We also get a hint at Nott’s fears in the post-chorus lines “It’s the body of water/that splits us right down the middle/I’ll be coming back for you.” The speculation that water might have played a role in Nott’s death (if that happened? we need answers) plays right to this part of the song--that water literally separated her from her family, but that she wants to come back for them eventually. Another verse says “to get home now would take something/that I’m not sure I have left,” reflecting how Nott said she “wasn’t strong enough yet” to come home, and how she said “I will be [alive again] too,” implying that at least for the moment she doesn’t see herself as fully “alive.”

Hotel Detective | They Might be Giants: “Being a small-time detective gives Nott endless entertainment, and has sparked a unique friendship with Jester, one she hopes will last forever.”

After that string of relatively heavy songs, Hotel Detective is another lighthearted interlude. After all, Nott and Jester’s relationship tends toward the comic relief. The lyrics are fun, and so is the tune. Lines like “if you’ve got a secret, boy/forget about it!” are pure Jester and Nott, and the confidence they exude even when they’re wrong in the course of their “investigations.” There’s another subtle line that jumps out at me: “she says she likes my face.” Jester, moreso than any other member of the Nein, insists that Nott is beautiful. While the rest are more realistic about goblin features and especially how they’re perceived by the public, Jester stalwartly sticks by her perception of Nott as pretty and feminine, and I have no doubt that insistence plays a role in how quickly Nott got attached to Jester.

Hiding and Seeking | Little Chief: “She is always hiding from the judgment of others… but also seeking their acceptance. It’s a tricky balance, one that Nott has not yet mastered.”

This song is really brief, but nevertheless there are still lines worth unpacking. “I am free to roam/there is nothing to fear” seems to refer to Nott’s sense of safety with the Nein; she doesn’t need to hide herself from them, and she doesn’t need to fear them. Nott doesn’t want to hide, but hiding is absolutely how she survives; she wants to be *found* in some way, but I suspect it’s more that she wants to be understood than literally discovered or tracked down. She may be asking “come and seek me” because she’s hidden parts of herself that the Nein haven’t paid any notice to yet--but now, I think we’ll see the rest of the party will “come and find” her sooner rather than later.

Psycho Killer | Talking Heads: “Nott may be anxious, but if you push her around too much, the little goblin girl might get set off. And then… it’s on.”

Sure, this is a song about Nott going off on her opponents, but there’s a lot of “run run run run away” for a raw combat-oriented song. I almost feel that a part of this song is a commentary on the party: “you’re talking a lot, but you’re not saying anything/when I have nothing to say, my lips are sealed” being a commentary on how the party often goes in circles rather than cutting through the bullshit. The bridge of this song is in French, and the line “je me lance, vers la gloire” [roughly, I’m going for the glory] sticks out in particular given that of the entire party, Nott has far and away the highest kill count.

Self Care | Mac Miller: “Tragic song by a tragic musician. Nott’s need to self-medicate could get her killed one day, but to her, it’s worth it.”

“And you can find me, I ain’t hiding” is interesting in contrast with Hiding and Seeking, where Nott is hiding in spite of her desire to be found. I think it’s key that this song is referencing Nott’s drinking--she’s engaging in constant, public substance abuse, and makes no attempt to hide the fact that she’s an alcoholic. Miller says “I was, thinking too much, got stuck in oblivion;” Nott copes with her anxieties by drowning it out with liquor, and she’s trapping herself in that position. We’ve started to see the cracks in that carefree facade now that she’s lashed out at both Caleb and Jester while severely drunk. 

Two Birds | Regina Spektor: “The lyrics describe a wonderful, inseparable pair. But there’s a lingering doubt. Something standing in the way. Some force that might pull them apart someday…”

This is almost certainly about Caleb and Nott. She has insisted that “there’s nothing I won’t understand,” i.e., she loves him unconditionally and wants him to forgive himself. But as Sam says, there’s something standing in the way. This ‘force’ that’s present isn’t quite pinned down--Caleb’s goals, or Nott’s family, perhaps. But as this backstory begins to unravel, I think we see that Caleb doesn’t want to move forward--he’s “never going to let go of that wire” while Nott is inclined to go on with life, and the fact that he’s trapped in the past and afraid to open up might be the very thing that pulls them apart.

Sinking Ship | Wild Child: “Just a really sad, beautiful song. Nott has a deep, underlying regret every day of her life. But sometimes you need to experience true sadness to emerge on the other side.”

“Oh, if it’s cold in the water/am I better for it” is, um. It’s a lot, especially given the theory that Nott-as-a-halfling could have died by drowning. The theme of water comes up several times in the playlist, but nowhere so tragically as here. This “underlying regret every day of her life” that Sam mentions, in conjunction with the water theme, makes me desperate to find out exactly how Nott was separated from Yeza and Luke, and if leaving Felderwin is her deep, underlying regret, or if something even more profound has shaped her. “Both my broken hands are true” definitely feels like a commentary on her loyalty to both Yeza and Luke, and her desire to come home someday, feeling “always here and now with you” in spite of being miles away. 

S.O.B. | Nathaniel Rateliff and the Night Sweats: “How wonderful it would be if we could all just let loose, be who we are inside, and get totally f—ked up.”

“I’m gonna need someone to care,” Rateliff sings, but “if I can’t get clean/I’m gonna drink my life away.” Isn’t that the worst ever summary of Nott the Brave? She’s desperate to have someone who will help her, and she’s sure to have found more than one ally in the Mighty Nein, but until this moment, they didn’t realize how fragile Nott’s composure has been. If she can’t get out of her cycle of alcohol abuse--something that might only be remedied by being True Polymorphed--drinking really will put her life at risk. The line “my heart was breaking, hands are shaking” doubles down on her relationship with drinking as an inherently unhealthy coping mechanism. “Son of a bitch, give me a drink/one more night/this can’t be me” addresses the facts of Nott’s situation in exactly the way Sam lays it out: Nott wants to be herself in some way that is inaccessible to her, and she drinks both to cope with that reality as well as to get closer to what she wishes she could be. At the same time, she wants to get “totally fucked up” and let go altogether, because when she’s drunk, she doesn’t have to worry about anything.