#I thank my mom for nothing except my insecurities and eating disorders

[karlrose]

I have a bingeing problem.

If I like something, I will binge on it.

I like a show, I will binge that show.

I like a food, I will eat nothing but that food until It makes me sick.

I like a drink, I will drink nothing else ever again (Dr. Pepper. I have a Dr. Pepper problem. I would replace my blood with it if it wouldn't immediately result in my death)

I like a song, I will binge all their music.

I like your art, I will binge that art.

I like your blog, I will binge scroll until I reach the bottom.

[thinspo-habits]

Hi (this is really long)

I have anorexia. I have had anorexia for 1 year, but through everything that has happened in the past 6 years, the obsessive thoughts have always lingered. I’m not here to promote recovery, or to even promote any kind of eating disorders. I’m looking for people who can relate to what is going on inside my head. So let’s paint a picture of what I look like:

SW: 175 

GW: 125

CW: 130

UGW: 120

(all in lbs.) 

Okay, now more about myself. 

I grew up in a small, poor town in Pennsylvania. There, I competed in a lot of sports, specifically cheerleading. This is when the thoughts started, but I didn’t understand what they meant. I had all of the skills to be a flyer on my team, but there was one thing holding me back: my weight. Around this time, I carelessly ate, but never gained extreme weight because I was so active. However, this began to ring a different tone for adults as my size got bigger and bigger with each month passing and I didn’t think twice about it. Despite adults frantically trying to hide food from me or telling me how much and what to not eat etc., I didn’t understand the fixation on my eating habits. When I was 10 years old, I moved across the country to Nevada. My town in Nevada was a major culture shock, and I began to feel extremely insecure with the way I would look, act, and dress. What also contributed to these feelings was when I was bullied. One of the girls that lived in my town was one of my best friends prior to moving there. She was one of the girls I trusted, one of the people I relentlessly counted on to make me happy in a place I didn’t understand quite yet. When family troubles began to rise in her house, she started inflicting her personal pain on me. Once again, being completely naive, I turned to blaming myself instead of detecting the actual underlying issue. This began my obsession with weight. I would constantly compare myself to other people and always have wanted to look like the other pretty girls in my grade, unfortunately, this was sought as unrealistic by my family and friends because of my size. I began to surround myself with good people and forgot about those nasty thoughts and lived a typical middle school experience. Once I got to eighth grade, this is when my depression began. What triggered my depression was my sudden loss of friends, my parent’s divorce, and my only sibling moving out to go to college. I felt like I had no one. This brought me back to those same feelings I had when I was bullied; except now I understood my feelings more, but didn’t have the maturity to consciously act on them. Around this time I would spend time eating and looking at self harm forums on reddit and tumblr. I began to spiral out of control. In this 5 month period, I gained 25 pounds. I hated the way I looked, but at this time I was looking at one solution: suicide. I knew I had a life to live, that there were things I was destined to do, but I was too lazy to even care. At my worst, I reached out to the one person I felt I could: my mom. She told me my issues were only caused by my selfish attitude and lazy habits. I saw this as a way to blame myself, so I began to self harm. No one knew. The day after receiving my second semester report card famously showcasing my 2 F’s, I felt like everything was stacking up against me. I felt like the life I was living was the life I was supposed to have, that nothing anyone could do or say would help. So, I attempted suicide. I took my dad’s percocets and my left over pain pills from my surgery, and hoped for the best. I woke up a couple hours later. I decided that this was God or the universe’s plan to set me in the right direction, so I took everything into consideration. I began to put EVERYONE’S needs before mine, and I thought this made me happy. I mean, I was surrounded by good hearted people, so I mean, there’s no harm. When I entered high school, I strutted in with my selfless attitude in a desperate attempt to be happy. Actually happy. The first two years went by with grace. I was still fixated on my weight, but I had good people around who told me that I was beautiful and just needed to be happier and healthier. Thus, my exploration into the world of instagram fitness and models began. I started to lose some of the weight the healthy way, but I wasn’t getting the results I wanted fast enough. Therefore, I gave up completely. My sophomore year, I started to follow a new healthy, strict diet and exercising which helped me lose 15 pounds in 2 months. That wasn’t where I was going to stop. Through out the summer, I would workout and strive to eat healthy, but once again, nothing was happening. My habits of doing fasts all day and only eating dinner, or fasting for 24 hours began to creep up more, but I would either break it, or only do it so I could get drunk faster off of the limited alcohol my friends and I would have. Then junior year came. Within my first month, I gained back every pound I lost. (Thank God, at the time I was used to hiding weight, so I worked around it) I needed good, fast results for Homecoming. I decided to ask the boy I liked at the time and then began the fixation again. I began chugging gallons of water a day, only eating 400-500 calories a day and quickly lost the 15 pounds I gained back. I was at my “skinny” weight (145-140). I was okay with the way I looked, but was so happy I didn’t focus on it. Then my mom started drinking more, and lost her job. Because of this, I felt I needed to take care of my mom. However, everything going on was out of my control, but I couldn’t see that. I wanted control over everything, I needed to fix every detail wrong in my life. I wanted people to see what I was doing and who I was doing it for. I didn’t expect attention when I started to starve myself, I just wanted my family and others to see that everything she did directly effected me. Every single aspect. I saw my mom struggling, but didn’t understand that SHE had the control over the situation, not me. I felt like I was being robbed of my teenage years with the constant back and forth couch surfing between close family friend’s houses, so I moved into my dad’s house. Around the same time, my dad moved in with his girlfriend and my brother came home form college. So, it was just me and my brother living in a house all alone. My brother was on the edge of twenty one and had no interest in actively trying to take care of me, understandably, so I had to take care of myself. I took this as an opportunity to start up my habits and control my weight. I saw my situation and made use of it. I started compulsively counting calories, comparing myself, and was eventually flat out starving myself for days at a time claiming it was a simple “fast”. This is the time I started partying more with my best friend, and had every single road map to coping with whatever I was dealing with, except actually dealing with it. During this time, I experienced a lot of firsts, both good and bad, but it was all about the journey at the time, so I allowed myself to enjoy all the soon to be memories. I was still obsessed with my weight, but this confused me because I thought I was happy. I soon started to fall in love with the idea of being thin, seeing my ribs and collar bones stick out, feeling cold or dizzy when I stood up, and seeing a pound or two difference every day fueled my happiness even more. I was finally thin and happy. My friends noticed my sudden weight change, and others began to notice too. In this time I would openly talk about it and let them know that there wasn’t anything to do. It was nice to have them care, but I didn’t want them to. Opening up to my friends who didn’t know anything about what I was doing seemed pointless, but if it made them sleep better because I just simply expressed that I was okay, then that was something I had to do. Now, here I am. There isn’t a happy recovery to this story, or a sad emergency trip that almost costed my life. I’m still here, still starving. The weirdest part of this whole journey isn’t why or how this all happened, rather why or how this is still happening. I have zero issues in my life: I have a good family life, good friends, a boyfriend, everything I have ever wanted basically, so why can’t I just stop. I still binge here and there, definitely more often than usual, but I still stare at myself, still get the energy boost after hearing about how skinny I am, and I still listen to that voice in my head telling me how many calories are in each thing I put into my body. I’m still going down this path, and hopefully going to get where I want to be, because I’m still not skinny enough for anyone to actually care. I’m still here counting calories, but not raising any questions. I guess I wanted to put this out here, or just keep to myself, a story of an eating disorder that’s not glorified, or that doesn’t show some kind of skinny fantasy created by movie magic. Yes, I can’t speak for everyone who has an eating disorder, but I keep getting skinnier and dizzier, but struggle to see the problem in what I’m doing. I know I need help, I know this isn’t normal, but how bad can it be if I’m not raising questions, or already lying here dead on the floor. I’ll get to my weight that I want to be at, I will. You guys will too.

Stay safe babes xx

[lumiolivier]

You know what? I was going to leave this in the tags, but this happened three weeks ago and I'm still pissed off about it.

What primary care doctors have done to piss me off, an autobiography by Lumi Olivier.

(Under the cut, because this takes a while)

So, a few weeks ago, I was having kidney problems. To be exact, I had a UTI. I had never had a UTI before, so the different symptoms were making me anxious as all hell. And I don't go to a doctor for various reasons unless I'm on the verge of dying, so if I'm seeking medical attention, assume the fucking worst.

This pain in my kidneys (and if we're being honest here, my inability to pee) had been going on for a week already and I figured it should be going away by now. But it wasn't. So, what did I do? That's right, kids. I went to a doctor. Nurse practitioner, but semantics. At the time, she was the best of a bad situation.

You may be asking yourself, Lumi, why didn't you go to your regular doctor? Because my regular doctor, my friend, decided to up and dip without a trace. Why? Because she decided to move into a different department. Or, the more likely reason, her patients were realizing that she was fucking them all over (my mother included, who this bitch put through a cancer scare. Mom's fine. No need to worry.) and I'm sure someone threatened lawyers. So, she tucked tail and ran. Shocker. Anyway...Sidebar over.

Back to this bitch that was supposed to be taking care of my UTI. In a perfect world, I would've walked in there, said, "I have a UTI. Please give me some antibiotics that will take care of it in the next few days. Thank you.", and walked right out. But oh, no. No, no, no. I couldn't have that. I walked in there. No, hi, how are you. No pleasantries. Keep in mind. I was already anxious as hell, which was evident by my blood pressure being not in its normal range. My anxiety is undiagnosed, so they basically wrote that off. Nothing I'm not used to. So, anyway, she starts asking me various questions, of which none of them have to deal with my kidneys.

None of these questions have anything to do with my kidneys. Except for one. I flat out told her I was having kidney problems. IMMEDIATELY, she asked me, almost getting defensive about it, "How do you know it's your kidneys?". And me, being the passive sweetheart I am, told her that I had a pain in my lower back (in the general kidney area) and that I was having a difficulty peeing. It was the way she said it that really got to me. Because the whole time I was there, she was bouncing between talking to me like I was her best friend in the world and that I was completely stupid. No. We are not friends. You're here to treat my fucking UTI. You're not here to ask me questions about my weight (of which, she flat out called me obese. There goes the last 15 years of me trying to be ok with myself and my body, including your favorite hits such as eating disorders and body dysmorphia that still plagues me to this day) down the drain.

And of course, she had the "success story" she had to share with me. "I was 300 pounds and now, I'm half the size and training for a marathon. I'm really into health and fitness. If that's something you're interested in. Of course you are, you fat bitch. Please. Let me force this down your throat." I'm here for a UTI.

...No. What does this have to do with my kidneys? That's right. Nothing. And just as a side note, I'm well aware that I'm not pencil thin. I never will be. And I carry a lot of my weight in my boobs and my thick ass thighs. Thank you and casually go fuck yourself. I'm here for a UTI.

But then, she's not only picking at my weight, but at my hormonal imbalance. "Most women that come in here are usually pretty insecure about it." THEN, WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU POKING AT IT WITH ME, YOU RUDE CUNT? She also decided to tell me how dirty my ears were. Hi. I also have depression. I also have anxiety. I also have other shit that I do in a day and the inside of my brain is fucking Teflon. She offered to clean them for me. I told her no. I might as well have shot her dog in the face and forced her to watch. Because why? I'm here for a UTI.

For the most part, I could handle a lot. I could take a lot of shit from this bitch. But because I was speaking to her on a speak when spoken to basis, most of my answers were yes or no. And she was asking me a lot of yes or no questions. On top of this UTI, my wisdom teeth are also starting to come in, so I'm a fucking jewel lately. A few days before that, I was dealing with an incredible pain in my neck where I couldn't move my head at all without being in excruciating pain. Sleeping at night was a personal hell. I had to put my own head down on the pillow as you would with a newborn baby. And that's if I could get comfortable. Coupled with the pain in my mouth that I was begging to let me pass out. And on top of that, I get my good nature taken advantage of and constantly take care of three children, 3, 9, and 13. So, I'm fucking E X H A U S T E D. I've been running on fumes for a long time now. Someone could tell me they liked my shoes and I'd knife them.

Ok...That might be a little exaggerated, but here nor there.

BUT THIS BITCH. HAD THE A U D A C I T Y. TO ASK ME IF I COULD, AND I FUCKING QUOTE, 'BE A LITTLE MORE JOYFUL'.

I'm. Fucking. Sorry. EXCUSE ME, BITCH?

I'm here with a UTI, something hardly mentioned throughout this adventure. I've never had this before. I'm anxious as shit already. Being in a doctor's office makes me even fucking worse. You've nitpicked every single one of my insecurities since I walked the fuck in (and personified my vagina, which...Ew. Don't do that.) and you're expecting me to be A FUCKING DELIGHT? I'M SORRY. WHAT?

She gave me a prescription for three days of antibiotics...That hardly touched it. I was still juicing with Azo for a few days afterward.

I left that clinic with a damn near in tears. When my mom and I left, she stopped into the local Dollar Tree (which is across the parking lot from the clinic) and asked me if I wanted something to drink. She brought me water. God bless her. But the second she left the car, I fucking...bawled...And rolled through a panic attack (that I got yelled at for when I got home, so that was fun) for the rest of the day.

So, long story short, maybe don't belittle your patients? When they say they have a problem? Maybe listen to them? Maybe not be an asshole? Maybe not go off on a sidebar and let them tell you what their problem is and fix that before you even touch anything else?

stopp omg why are primary care doctors like "girl theres nothing wrong with you" and then you convince them to write the referral and you finally see a specialist and the specialist is like "goddamn you got syndrome"

[chaoscrystals]

Every note in my fone 21

Nobody can see me sometimes by nova luz Nobody can see me sometimes and other times everyone's staring glaring, like they can't get enough of me till I sink into my misery then its rough and ill see you later when your eyes aren't swollen His name was dean we met on a bus I never forgot his name. Prickles my senses and feeling so sensitive Lying in bed again It all hurts my head Who is he and when will we be together again? So who cares if he's watching who's picking my senses my senses are prickly my senses are feeling * He's probably thinking of me I can feel his thoughts in my head. This reality is split and no one wants to agree on anything. My nervous system is trying to tell me something. My headache is from sugar. The singer from guerilla toss was in the hospital. I have never met her. Sometimes being around people makes me feel constricted rigid ct ct sharp edges digging in from my sides, what I wanted to be might not be enough, brave and full, laying on the grass, I sweat and sweat and miss my mark, I lay in the grass again. These houses are abandoned but I can leave them dying in the street, at the very least a shelter says the hippie but I leave them dying in the street, the only words I will ever need are happening now, breaking broken chain link rusted I wanna break em break em poison ire green rusted water I can leave them dying in a street I have ten glass towers I can just leave them be their dying in the street, they're dying in your home, they're dying in the street but I just leave them be * Skin melting off Gold Fire His voice in my head His hand on my belly My whole body hurts But he can save me I'm a blessing not in disguise I want to be aligned with The universal truth And singing is how I'm gonna do it * The way that most people treat their kids is insane and wrong. They act like they are not complete beings when they totally are.  In order to accept the wholeness of a kid, I have to be able to understand how they fit in to the fabric of the universe. In order to be able to work with kids I have to just be who I am without barriers. Sounds like a tall order. I see a parallelogram. I see a bunch, flashing different colors in my mind.bdbdbdbbdbdbbdbdbdbdbdbdbdbdbdbdbdbdbdbdbdbdbdbdbdbdbdbdbdbdbbdbdbdbdbbddbdbdbbddbdbbdbdbdbbdbdbdb * Stutter stutter nutter butter Embarrasing waving flags again But he don't know what its really all about Evil incarnate get your hands off the wheel You're not driving I am Everything weighs the same I'm just waiting for my coffee * Medium term goals: Make 500 dollars Get electronic drum kit Get small acoustic guitar Get band together Get job teaching kids * My heart is blue. I am sad and lonely. Seeking out something, anything or anyone that could relieve me of the strain, of feeling like no ones on my side. My green arm is dying. Umbilical cord feeding tube yellow fluid past life. Please someone notice me. All I need. Please someone notice me. Just some attention and ill be over the moon. Just a little attention from the man I have my eye on, the man I've got my eye on. Other girls * I like scrolling thru my facebook feed. If I didn't I wouldn't have seen all the posts about mental health awareness day and coming out day AND that I know a bunch of amazing people because I saw soooooo many hurricane relief benefits. I have 60 dollars set aside to donate, I just need to pick what I think is the best place to do it. So, in this week I want to make 2 late posts regarding these days because I want everyone to know about my life whose reading this: I think A LOTTT of people struggle with their mental health. Um I'm going to talk about my problems so here we go. I've had anxiety attacks since I was maybe 4 years old? I've hurt myself (not seriously but still hurt) during these episodes multiple times. I also had an eating disorder that I still struggle with sometimes. I get anxiety around food. I weighed 85 pounds at one point, I wanted to disappear and die. I weigh 125 now and I still want to disappear and die sometimes. * Rant alert What did I do to deserve to be into passive boys? Hah. Get mad about it. I feel like every time recently I've heard "I wanna get to know you better" it was a lie!! Nobody asks me out unless I don't want them to. Fucked. I feel so disappointed. Like are y'all afraid to approach women now? Do I seem that crazy? Maybe I'm old fashioned but I definitely identify primarily as a woman and I'm realizing it feels unnatural for me to initiate with guys. It like, hurts my soul. I'm so sick of this shit. I want a man who wants to buy me things. I hope this ruined your day fuck off unless you want to take me out and buy me things * Love and attachment I feel like I'm in a state of perpetual dizziness, or doom, I don't know what love is, my idea of love is a trade, freely given love. Just cause I don't have a band. I'm boiling over with jealousy, I'm fucked I'm in too deep I'm never going to meet the man of my dreams if I keep vibrating at this frequency. Narcissism is an excuse for poor boundaries. Jonathan doesn't care about me. I never really cared about him only his image and attachment Please grow an attachment to me Just kidding Not really I'm so desperately lonely. This is not the love I want. This is not what I agreeed to. I never asked to be born. * Fuck I'm addicted to weed and the internet I keep drowning out my own thoughts by internally shouting song lyrics..? * Its getting kind of ridiculous that I'm having so many problems cause I can't just ask for what I want straight up. This is connected to my jealousy of other women is connected to my feelings that every man that I like is seeing me . they are all somehow connected. Am I really...yes. What is so bad about just asking for what I want? Mom gets jealous and I am banished from the kingdom. It feels like. I can't have my own desires. What o want is incorrect I want to be different I want this all to make sense Why can't I ask for what I want if I know that? Why Jonathan doesn't ask me how I'm doing. Why I'm never going to be a regret. Or always. I don't know. What even is the point. Of a relationship. I can't force it. I don't want to force it. I don't want to clench my butthole whenever I ask him hi or think about it cause actually I never do * I wonder why I have all these coping mechanisms and what do they mean? Like getting Self conscious when I know people are looking. That's a coping mechanism because I learned that certain behaviors were always followed by punishment. Thank god for teal swan!! Madeline peyroux I can't blame you for all my insecure feelings. I should have touched your head. I wish I had the confidence to brush your hair with my hands * I love Jonathan hahaha he said he loves me in passing, said he cares about our friendship 1. what did you mean by a lot of people? I want names. 2. I'm sorry 3. So I'm just your friend? That's all you want? * Embrace a mistake Remember the mistake Take a break Have a laugh Take your time Take some of mine * I miss Jonathan. I want to grab his face and kiss it. Probably smell like food. This is so distracting. Did you ever want to be famous?  Are you restless in your heart yet? Are you restless in your heart? Do you want to be alone? Do you want to run away as fast as you can? I'm desperately looking for anything that will distract me from the pain I feel I wish I could be everywhere at once and have all my friends together at once. And eat more chocolate ... Maybe have more sex. Maybe get a boyfriend and only fuck him. Maybe get a place together and pay rent Is it wrong of me to be thinking so far ahead? I just want to eat and sleep. To hell with achieving anything. I just want to sing and if I can sing ill be happy Singing in harmony. I just want to eat and sleep and ride my bicycle until this building collapses. I just want to sing and wail and cry and collapse I just want a partner, friends, a mate, a collective, a team and I want to love them deeply when I look into their eyes. I want everyone to look around and feel love. I'm distracted. Is it my fault that men are so perverted towards me? One day maybe I can read my diary entries to Jonathan and he will understand. That's a Hebrew name. He's so smart. One day maybe ill have a blue bell cast of silver to hang around my neck, green pastures and lavender linens, nothing to do but pick flowers and smell them. One day maybe ill have a cast iron sword. I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you Te amo muito Its hard not to smile when I'm lost in my thoughts about you. Sometimes I'm taken by a shock of shame and I yelp. I think I'm trying to purge all the bad stuff out * Wow it's crazy I'm really excited to smoke weed and eat and be stagnant * Annie I want to marry you even in your sweet and bitter days, you're paving the pavement in central park The flowers are shining, they're catching your eye under the streetlights And I wish we were far away, we don't belong to this earth, Annie I want to marry you Even in your dark and bitter days, you're shining in the moonlight, what can it do to me? What can she do for me What can she do for me Forget the past Break the curse share prosperity Even if we had a relationship at all, would I want to be with you when I know you're fucking other people? No. For me to even consider that I would need to know that I was a priority in your life. But obviously I'm not. * If I really wanted it, i would have it, right? So why don't I? He lives in brooklyn He is avoidant (not imagining it) I can't be the initiator, I identify as female He lives in Brooklyn and "fucks a lot of people" He never messages me Except about shows (I think its endearing) Lives in stank ass brooklyn!!! Brooklyn I have deserving issues so I don't fully pursue the things that I want I have low self esteem so I stop myself from getting what I want. I want to be as close to him as I can get We just live far apart and in 2 different worlds. Its a happy coincidence for me that our paths crossed. Funny how badly I wanted to go to that show that I met him at. I guess I'm getting used to the intuitions by now. I had been fantasizing about the guitar player from fiasco for at least 2 years. Isn't life mystical? Now I met him and I think I'm in love. I feel like I love him. IM IN FUCKING LOVE WITH YOU. SORRY I KEEP MY DISTANCE. EYE FOR AN EYE EH? PLEASE DONT HATE ME Honestly I've never been more attracted to anyone in my life. I can't tell if this is good or bad. Sometimes it makes me cry. Sometimes I walk down the street unable to suppress a big smile because I'm thinking about them..and the fact they actually care about me..I'm so sorry baby. If i knew the answers I wouldn't be here.  I love you to pieces, I love every one of your pieces. Are you going to love me to? I'm holding out to know. I keep trying to get to the bottom of these thoughts but I feel like I just barely made it below the surface, I feel forgetful and ditzy, honestly, all I want is for someone like Jonathan to be holding me. Fuck.I feel like such a fuck up because I can't handle my own life. I feel so alone.if I don't build a network of people I can trust to help me reach my goals, I will probably kill my self in one way or another. We can mutually fulfill each other... I feel like such a fuck up because I know I want Jonathan, and he knows it to..but we still never talk...wow it seems like he really cares. I wonder if its an act so he doesn't have to feel bad about himself. I know what I want but I don't have it..so there must be something wrong with me. To hell with achieving anything. I don't care. Maybe if I was a different kind of woman, I would hold his attention better Its like this crush and this relationship is bringing out the best and the worst in me. My intense jealousy came to the surface. In a big way. Everything's coming up * My most important checklist for a cool, hip establishment Nice live music/pays artists as a priority Purse hooks under the tables/bars * I guess this is hard for me to say and be coming to terms with. Most of my less-than-joyful emotions. I felt ignored in the scene for a while. I mean yeah, I didnt work as hard was some of the people I've met so there's that. I wonder how many people notice the insane white washing though. And why is Brooklyn suddenly the epicenter for all this? Maybe I wouldn't feel this way if this was uptown and/or by and for colored people Buut this whole Brooklyn thing is a bunch of white people!!! I bet a lot of people I k ow feel angry at seeing another same looking band of white people get the features I want Fuck this. Why am I lying to myself? * Mental health post: I missed this on mental health awareness day when everyone was doing it. But I still find myself wanting to share about my own mental health. Cause it's a topic that gets to me as many people close to me have received diagnoses of mental illness/disorder when I view them as just, normal. I just want to write it out. The only thing I've been diagnosed officially with was anorexia and bulimia, and that's because I collapsed and went to the hospital. Regular doctor visits made me uncomfortable cause I thought I was supposed to tell them, and of course they manage to lose my records every single time so I have to re-state all my allergies and everything every single time until I stopped going, which coincidentally was when I started to actually become healthy again. Yeah I had pretty debilitating back and stomach pain for a year because of what I was doing to myself by not eating enough and making myself vomit for months and even years. Now all those feelings are coming back, and I've lost almost 20 pounds the last few months, and I don't want to stop. I want to stabilize and be able to just enjoy eating and not try to get to size 0 again. Honestly I'm disgusted by most commercially available food and it makes me feel sick. I can't eat a lot of the things that are common for people to eat cause it legitimately makes me ill. After the first bout of eating disorder when I dropped to 85 pounds and my heart started to give up, after that I developed a lot of sensitivities that I didn't notice before. I was binge eating. I hated myself. Sometimes I still do. Part of me isn't going to give up, and I'm going to keep losing weight because I think it will make people notice me. I'm at a loss. I've been trying to reason myself out of feeling this way for months but nothing is working. I need attention desperately. I need to know that people think I'm beautiful. I was always a little reluctant to promote my image as a musician or otherwise (everyone kept telling me to) when I was extremely thin. Someone that I know became quite well known while having an eating disorder and honestly they looked skeletal and it disturbed me. I was torn with blinding jealousy because they were white and blonde and gap toothed and getting all these opportunities. I was upset because I realized how insensitive people are, and how people can be in immense pain and suffering right in their faces and they won't notice and will even glorify their image while doing nothing to help or even care. Maybe I thought I was a good person because I was intentionally holding back because I didn't want to be any kind of symbol to anyone when I knew how unhealthy my body and mind were. Maybe it wasn't worth anything because we can still have an oil spill in 2017 when energy alternatives are widely available and I have done nothing to help but lie on my bed and have anxiety attack after anxiety attack because I need people to see me but I don't find myself beautiful or pure enough to be worthy of being seen. All I see everywhere is suffering and I wish I could hold everyone the whole world in my heart so we can be together and never have to be alone again. When I get like this I resort to isolating myself. I don't want to re-live the whole thing again. I'm sorry. I'm sorry for not understanding. Im sorry I'm always too lost in my own thoughts to care. I'm sorry for all the animals that are being subjected to toxic environments and getting new sicknesses. I wish I could hold everyone in my heart.

[johnnydeppaintshit-blog]

Adult ADHD

I’ve been struggling. A lot lately, a steady amount my whole life. I always felt like something was wrong or off, but I couldn’t ever pinpoint it. I’ve struggled with disassociation and disconnection from my mind/body, so I didn’t even identify that I was struggling at all; I was just living. 

I’ve always said that I bullshit my way through school and undergrad. I can talk myself all around a topic and make it seem like I know what’s what, but sitting down and actually learning the information, retaining the information, and then being tested on the information is almost impossible. The exception is when I really enjoy something, I can remember it. I aced my English tests and papers in high school because I could retain the knowledge almost photographically. I failed every single math test I have ever taken, and cheated my way through all of the math homework. I would fall asleep during those classes because my mind just couldn’t focus.

But I didn’t realize I wasn’t focusing. I thought I was lazy, or stupid, or (in my pre-Heathen days) really sinful. I just wasn’t trying hard enough and that’s why I didn’t “get it.” 

I’ve never been able to sit still, or even stand still. Either my legs are shaking up and down, or I’m crossing and uncrossing them. I sway from side to side while standing. On numerous occasions, an ex thought there was something wrong with his car because I was shaking my leg so hard it was shaking the whole vehicle. I always assumed this was something I inherited from my family: my mom has been shaking her legs for as long as I can remember, and my grandma has restless leg syndrome (which has also been passed down to me, thanks fam). None of us are ever still. I’m just now realizing why that is.

These are some symptoms of ADHD. 

I’ve been diagnosed with severe depressive disorder and generalized anxiety, as well as an eating disorder and insomnia. For this I’ve been seeing a therapist consistently for a few years and she recently recommended I see a psychiatrist. I’ve been alive on this earth for 27 years, and for the first time ever, a medical professional suggested that I might have ADHD. I very quickly dismissed the idea because of my preconceived notions of what ADD/ADHD is and looks like:

1) If you’re hyperactive, it’s because you chose to not sit still. You can fight the impulse and should, in order to be a normal human. 2) If you’re bored with something and can’t focus, tough shit because life is hard and that’s why they call it “work.” 3) If you can’t keep a job, it’s because you’re lazy and would rather just stay home all day doing nothing. 4) If you interrupt someone else, or are impatient at all, it’s because you’re rude and a bad person and don’t care about others. 5) If you lose things or can’t keep track of homework and assignments or test dates, it’s because you’re an entitled Princess and just don’t care about being smart or doing anything productive with your life. You want to be a drain on society. 6) If your home or desk at work are messy, it’s because you’re disorganized and dysfunctional.

NONE OF THAT IS ACCURATE.

According to Dr. Gabor Mate in his book Scattered, ADD/ADHD manifests itself mainly due to childhood experiences and interactions. Dr. Mate suggests that ADHD is an attachment disorder developed in childhood due the child’s sensitive disposition and the environments reaction to it: 

“Any force or pressure of whichever sort, no matter how good the intention, will be experienced by the ADD toddler, child, adolescent, or teenager to a highly magnified degree, and will generate counterwill of greatly heightened intensity. A vicious cycle ensues. The tendency of the ADD child is to behave in ways that evoke disapproval and attempts at parental control. Disapproval makes the child feel more insecure and promotes acting out, and the parent’s controlling responses deepen the child’s automatic resistance.”

Adults with ADHD often experience low self-esteem, not because of having ADHD, but because of the environment and experiences that help develop it: 

“The association between low self-esteem and attention deficit disorder is not that the first arises from the second, but that they both arise from the same sources: stress on the parenting environment and disrupted attunement/attachment. In its earliest origins the core self is forged in the attunement contact with the parent. Its healthy development needs the atmosphere of what Carl Rogers had called ‘unconditional positive regard.’ It requires that the adult world understands and accepts as valid the child’s feelings, from which kernel the core self will grow. A child taught to still the voice of her innermost feelings and thoughts assumes automatically that there is something shameful about them, and therefore about her very self....When I explore with my clients their childhood histories, emerging most often are patterns of relationships in which the child took care of the parent emotionally, if only by keeping her inmost feelings to herself so as not to burden the parent. ADD adults are convinced that their low self-esteem is a fair reflection of how poorly they have done in life only because they do not understand that their very first failure–their inability to win the full and unconditional acceptance of the adult world–was not their failure at all.”

This low self-esteem and feelings of failure color everything the individual with ADHD does, and disconnection from mind/body/self can occur. I know it did with me. “Since having a strong core self relies on one’s acceptance of one’s feelings, being out of touch with one’s emotional side puts one out of touch with one’s self. What then remains to be esteemed? Only a false self, a concoction of what we would like to imagine ourselves to be and what we have divined others want us to be. Sooner or later people come to realize that this false self–wanting what they think they should want, feeling what they think they should feel–does not work for them. When they look inside themselves they discover a frightening emptiness, a vacuum, void of a true self or of intrinsic motivation. Many a time I have heard ADD adults say, ‘I don’t know who I am,’ or, ‘I don’t know what I want to do in my life.’” 

My therapist and I have figured out that I do “feelings” backwards: I feel the emotion and then try to figure out what triggered it. I usually have no idea what caused the feeling and it often feels chaotic and like I have no control whatsoever. I can make a plan to do something I enjoy, but I might not be “feeling it” later and so the activity has now become unbearable or even painful. I’ll make a plan with a friend, feel really good that I reached out and reestablished that bond, but then panic the day of and cancel because our friendship “isn’t real” and the person doesn’t actually want to see me. During the panic, I don’t know why I’m panicking so I backtrack and come up with reasons why I don’t want to do whatever I planned to do. For instance: I’m on my way to work, to a job that I love and feel good about doing. As I’m driving I feel a wave of sadness wash over me and I start to cry. Sadness is an unacceptable feeling to experience so I immediately try to figure out the root of it and squash it accordingly. I decide that the root of my sadness is that I don’t feel connected to my boyfriend anymore and my mind is telling me “GETOUTWHILEYOUSTILLCAN.” So now I’m not sad anymore, I’m anxious and aggravated and maybe I pick a fight with my boyfriend about our lack of connection. I make a plan with a friend about breaking up with my boyfriend, the cause of my unhappiness. 8 months later, it turns out the sadness wasn’t lack of connection with my boyfriend, but grief from the death or loss of a best friend and it’s still there. Only now I’m alone without a partner on top of my grief.

That is a real life example. I literally did this September 2016. So not only am I out of touch with my emotions and body, but I struggle with impulse control and recklessness. “There is one major respect in which the specific neurophysiological impairments of ADD do hinder the development of a core sense of self and the attainment of self-esteem...What we see as the self is really a construct, akin to the optical illusion that makes us believe that a series of photographic images projected onto a screen in rapid progression are people and objects in the real world. The “self” we experience is an unimaginably rapid series of firings of countless neurological circuits...It is the relative consistency of the repetitious neurological activities of the brain that convinces us there is a solid self. We might say that in ADD this consistency lacks consistency. The fluctuations are greater than most people experience. Thought patterns and emotional states pursue each other with an exaggerated rapidity and across a broader range. It seems there is less to hold on to. Too, self-esteem does require a degree of self-regulation, which the neurophysiology of ADD sabotages. The child or adult easily flung into extremes of emotion and behavior does not acquire the mastery over impulses that self-esteem demands.”

“Submerged beneath a surface rippling with superficial and childish impulses are truer impulses for meaningful activity, the assertion of one’s autonomy, the pursuit of one’s own truth, and human connectedness. The deeper these have sunk, the less one knows who one is or in which direction one’s path lies. Attaining self-esteem begins with finding our true impulses and raising them to the light of day.”

Living with disassociation and lack of impulse control leads me to live a bit recklessly. Because I’m disconnected from myself, I don’t feel the need to regulate my impulses. If I can rationalize what I want, I’ll do it, regardless if it’s actually illegal or unethical. I shoplift. I manipulate strangers. I don’t lie, but I twist my words up on technicalities. I cheat. I do drugs. I feign innocence to get what I want or need. I use my white privilege to get away with things. The disconnect I have between those actions and how I view myself is extreme. I would never consider myself a thief, or a cheater, or a druggie, but I would probably be wrong. 

Here are some symptoms of adult ADHD that you may recognize in yourself:

1) The hallmark of ADD is an automatic, unwilled “tuning out,” a frustrating non-presence of mind. People suddenly find that they have heard nothing of what they have been listening to, saw nothing of what they were looking at, remember nothing of what they were trying to concentrate on. 2) Completely lacking in the ADD mind is a template for order, a mental model of how order comes about. One may be able to visualize what a tidy and organized room would look like, but the mind-set of how one would get there is missing.  3) Coordination difficulties affect most [with ADD], particularly in the area of fine motor control. Things are dropped, feet are stepped on, balls fly in the wrong direction. Objects piled on top of each other during clean-up are fated to come crashing down. 4) Asking for directions in the street, the person with ADD loses track by the time his informant is half-way through her first sentence. Fortunately, he has perfected the art of nodding. Ashamed to admit his lack of comprehension and knowing the futility of asking for clarifications which he would grasp with no greater success, he gives a masterful impersonation of one who understands. Then he heads off, entrusting himself to good fortune. 5) The distractibility in ADD is not consistent. Many parents and teachers are misled: to some activities a child may be able devote, if anything, a compulsive, hyperconcentrated attention. But hyperfocusing which excludes awareness of one’s environment is also poor attention regulation. Too, often hyperfocusing involves what may be described as passive attention, as in watching television or playing video games. Passive attention permits the mind to cruise on automatic without requiring the brain to expend effortful energy. Active attention, in which the mind is fully engaged and the brain has to perform work, is mustered only in special circumstances of high motivation. Active attention is a capacity the ADD brain lacks whenever organized work must to be done, or when attention needs to be directed towards something of low interest. 6) ADD is situational: in the same individual its expression may vary greatly from one circumstance to another. There are certain classes, for example, in which the ADD child may perform remarkably well, while in others she is scattered, unproductive, and perhaps disruptive. 7) The adult or child with ADD can barely restrain himself from interrupting others, finds it a torture awaiting his turn in all manner of activities, and will often act or speak impulsively as if aforethought had never been invented. The consequences are predictably negative. One is forever trying to shut the barn door after the horse has bolted...The impulsiveness may express itself as impulse buying, the purchase of unneeded items on a sudden whim without regard for cost or consequence. 8) Hyperactivity is the third salient characteristic of ADD. Classically it is expressed by trouble keeping physically still, but it may also be present in forms not readily obvious to the observer. Some fidgetiness will likely be apparent–toes or fingers tapping, thighs pumping, nails being chewed, teeth biting the inside of the mouth. The hyperactivity may also take the form of excessive talking...Some adults with ADD have told me that they speak so quickly in part because so many words and phrases tumble into their minds that they fear forgetting the most important ones unless they release them at a fast rate. 9) An intense aversion to boredom, an abhorrence of it, seizes hold as soon as there is no ready focus of activity, distraction, or attention. One experiences an unremitting lack of stillness internally–a constant background static in the brain, a ceaseless ‘white noise,’ as Harvard psychiatrist Dr. John Ratey has put it. There is a merciless pressure in one’s mind impelling one on, without necessarily any specific aim or direction. 10) The restlessness coexists with long periods of procrastination. The threat of failure or the promise of reward has to be immediate for the motivation apparatus to be turned on. Without the rousing Adrenalin rush of racing against time inertia prevails...On the other hand, when there is something one wants neither patience nor procrastination exist. One has to do it, get it, have it, experience it, immediately. 11) An adult with ADD looks back on his life to see plans never fully realized and intentions unfulfilled strewn about the landscape like abandoned casualties on a long march...People report unfinished retainer walls begun over a decade ago, semi-constructed boats taking up garage space year after year, courses entered and quit in languages, in woodworking, in music, in art and in sundry other subjects, books half-read, business ventures forsaken, stories or poetry not written–many, many roads not traveled. 12) Social skills are also an issue. Something about ADD hinders one’s capacity to recognize interpersonal boundaries. Although some ADD children shrink away from being touched, in early childhood most of them literally climb all over adults and generally exhibit an almost insatiable desire for physical and emotional contact. They approach other children with a naive and unrequited openness, to which rebuffs are often the response. Impaired in their abilities to read social cues, they may be ostracized by their peers. 13) While generally the case, poor social skills are not universal. There is a type of ADD child who is socially adept and wildly popular. In my experience such success hides a lack of confidence in important areas of functioning and masks a very fragile self-esteem, although this may not emerge until these children grow into their late teens or early twenties. 14) Adults may be perceived as aloof and arrogant or tiresomely talkative and boorish. Many are recognizable by their compulsive joking, their pressured, rapid-fire speech, by their seemingly random and aimless hopping from one topic to the next, and by their inability to express an idea without exhausting the English vocabulary...Men and women with ADD have about them an almost palpable intensity to which other people respond with unease and instinctive withdrawal. 15) The moods of the ADD child are as capricious as the weather patterns El Nino has loosed upon the world. Happy smiles are transformed into frowns of displeasure or grimaces of despair in a matter of moments. Events awaited with joyful anticipation and begun with exuberant energy often end in bitter disappointment and a sulking, accusatory withdrawal. The emotional states of adults with attention deficit disorder are also up and down without apparent rhyme or reason. Good days and bad days follow each other according to some mysterious calendar written who knows where and by whom.The common theme on all days, good or bad, is a gnawing sense of having missed out on something important in life.

Having a diagnosis of ADHD, or depression, or anxiety, or any mental health diagnosis, does not mean there is anything “wrong” or “bad” about you. It’s simply your life math adding up.

[iprefernightmares]

Personal, if you want to read it I don’t really care

Okay so, this is going to be long, and probably heartbreaking if you have the capacity to feel empathy like I do but it’s something I need to write, and something that just needs to get out of my head if you’ve ever known that feeling. About two years ago I was seeing a therapist, and she told me to write a letter to my ex, who I was really depressed over and messed up about and who has been messaging me on anon if you’ve noticed. If you read or keep up with my blog which is essentially a view into my soul when I decide to write a text post. 

But here it is

Dear Jared, 

I know. I know I fucked up, I know I hurt you, and I know I said awful things to you. 

I know I’ve written a million of these things, probably when I was on my xanax kick, but now as I am completely sober and you’ve just messaged me a few days ago here it is. 

I know I was the reason we fell apart, I was full of insecurities, and I was damaged from the start. 

I was sick, though I didn’t know it at the time, and isn’t it funny how my sickness comes from stress? From worrying? It’s called ulcerative collitis, and I know people have it worse I don’t really care about that but know this, when I told you I was in pain. I was. When I threw up, every morning and still went to work to support us I began to resent you. 

You never wanted to be an average member of society working their way up the ladder. 

No, you were too entitled for that. 

I really thought, for the majority of my time knowing you that you were smarter than me. 

I don’t know if the drugs took their toll and once upon a time you were smarter than me, but as you message me about selling acid I realize that even though I thought you were the love of my life, you were merely a lesson. 

A lesson I have not learned too well, as I am still mostly the same person. 

Still filled with the hate that lingers in the background, but now there are softer emotions as well. 

Emotions that weren’t there before, before you. 

You changed me, I will admit that. You made me break into the million pieces and I really thought I couldn’t put myself back together so much to the point where I shoved my face full of 11 xanax a day and kept thinking why was I not good enough. 

And now I realize, it wasn’t that I wasn’t good enough, it’s that we were not meant to be. 

We were not meant to be lovers because something that burns that bright cannot burn forever and you cannot deny that you still feel it too because the evidence is in the anons you choose to send me. 

You will probably never know how incredibly sorry I am for how I’ve hurt you, or how badly I’ve hurt myself in the aftermath. 

If only you could see all my scars now. 

You told me you would teach me how to be in a relationship, show me what it was like. 

But it was all consuming with you, it was all or nothing no in between. 

And the fighting got so bad, and I got so angry, it was something I had felt before but that’s for later. 

You wanted to pump me full of drugs and study me, but you didn’t do your research before hand and that was your problem. Mr. Scientist. 

I did not only have ADHD, I have multiple personality disorder that gets worse with the use of psychedelics and any mood altering medication. I take nothing now, occasional xanax to calm down when I am too manic. When I am too angry. And trust me Jared, that anger is still there. But you fell in love with that too. 

So between the drug use and the love that I felt for you, I literally lost my mind with you. 

I was so into you, I would have given my life for you. I would have literally done anything for you because that’s how much I loved you. 

Except, for save you from myself. 

And I’m sorry that I didn’t know how, I’m sorry that only you could show me the way. 

Because loosing you was the most painful thing I have ever gone through in my life. 

But I didn’t mean it when I said I thought if you were dead it would be easier, because at least you’re somewhere happy, even if it isn’t with me. 

I do harbor some ill feelings towards you, as you would guess. 

But I realize as we were too close to the same person we would have never made it to the long run anyway. 

We were too busy trying to devote ourselves to one another we couldn’t devote to ourselves. 

But I was honest, and up front with what had happened with my life, and you judged me for it. 

You called me a whore, called me fat. 

Things you knew hurt, and I can’t blame you because I know I hurt you too and that’s just how things are between two people who care. 

But it was unfair of you to expect me to be pure for you when I lost my virginity before I even  met you. 

I do apologize for Zane, but I do not apologize for Chris. 

I’m sorry you didn’t see how emotionally insecure I was and I’m sorry but realize I did not sleep with Zane to intentionally hurt you. 

The words I said though, those were intended to hurt you and I’m sorry that I lashed out at you when I was losing myself. 

And when you left I had to figure out who I was again because my whole life had revolved around you since I met you, since I first saw you. 

And maybe none of this will make your hurt better but I will give you any answers you need to resolve any left hurt from my words, because know that I was saying those things to intentionally hurt you whether they were true or not. 

And some of the things I said was true. 

And you were right when you said I took something from you that you could never have back and for that I am so sorry but realize you took something too. 

You took my walls, and I was left with them so vulnerable the slightest crack in my life would have sent me into a puddle of tears if I wasn’t already in one. 

I mourned your loss so hard that I did not sleep, and I did not eat, and I tried to get through it all without any drugs but it was so hard. 

And I brought someone else into and hurt them too, and for that I am also sorry. 

And then my life got so messed up I couldn’t even keep my days straight. 

I can feel the difference in my brain from the abuse, but it helped. 

And I’m sorry it ended up this way, but I feel that if it went different I wouldn’t be who I am today. 

I wouldn’t love my cats so fiercely as I do today. 

And I realize you felt like I was choosing them over you but I hope now that you’re vegan you understand how I felt the entire time. 

And know I love Salem and I understand I used to be rough with him but I would never dream of hurting my cats now and I want to thank you for that because you took something with you when you left. 

You took that evil that was deep inside of me, instilled from the abuse from my father. 

You broke me so that I had to deal with everything, I had to relive everything and yes there is still so much hurt and so much anger in my life but fuck you for trying to tell me I cannot feel it because it makes me who I am.

I will always hate my father and that will make me a better person, a better mother, and better being in general. 

Because that hate that you tried to convince me to let go is what keeps me grounded. 

It’s what keeps me going, when I want to be mean to someone I think about who my father is and how disgusting I find him and I am reminded of everything I do not want to be. 

I did not ask to be born like this or to be raised the way I was or to even meet you and I know it ended shitty for you but you honestly changed me in a great way, even if it seems small. 

Because to me it’s the reminder that I made it through the greatest loss of my life and I take all your anons with stride. 

I might cry, I might break a little bit again but I know I will always get back up. 

And it pissed me the fuck off that you were mad at your mom for having epilepsy even though I was emotionally insecure even I knew that was fucked up and your mom literally saved my life so fuck you for hurting her. 

Your parents wanted the best for you and you just wanted to do drugs while my parents chose drugs over me and my dad abused me for years of my life. 

I will always be a strong person but even strong people have their breaking points and you broke my several times with no apologies for the broken pieces. 

You watched me fall apart but still wanted to pump me full of drugs because you wanted to understand my brain well here it is Jared. 

I am a hateful and spiteful person, but I am also a loving and caring person. 

I am all things, and I have the ability to change attitudes based on who I am with. 

I do not have to be nice to everyone because some people flat out don’t fucking deserve it. 

And I will choose how I treat people based on how they treat me and if they are rude to me I will fight back because I RESPECT myself and that’s what you never understood. 

You never understood that I had been walked on, disrespected, and treated like I was beneath people and that is one thing I am not. 

I am not beneath anyone on this planet whether or not I am working at Dunkin Donuts or making 12.50 in a call center and I want to thank you for teaching me that part. 

For teaching me humility. 

My dads ego always got in the way and I was told my entire life I was different, he was obsessed with it, and all for what?

A fucking mental illness that 30 million other people have as well. 

So we’re not so different after all. 

I am willing to accept that I ruined our relationship, if you are willing to accept that you did not love me the way I loved you. 

Because no matter what you said to me or how you treated me that love was unwavering and unconditional and it’s still fucking here. But it will never be the same and that’s ok. 

I can go on loving you and learn how to love other people better. 

And I like that, because it shows how versatile humans are and that no matter how damaged you are there is always someone out there willing to listen and willing to understand. 

I will never be alone Jared, there are 40 billion people on this earth and you told me I would be alone but I can pick and choose out of the 40 billion people just like you did. 

And hopefully I’ve made the right choice this time. 

Until next time Jared.