#I suppose there are also some posts I've deleted over the years so I wonder if they count towards the total

[billpottsismygf]

I've just received a notification that I've reached 10,000 reblogs on here, which is quite strange and fascinating. On the one hand, that's a lot of times for people to reblog things from me, but on the other hand, with the number of posts I've blogged or reblogged myself (69,238) in the last 13 years, I would have expected it to be far more than that. I've never been a particularly big blog, obviously, and the focus of this blog has also changed as I've become hyperfixated on different fandoms over the years, which means a lot of my followers will only be interested in one or two of the fandoms I post about, if any of them, if they're even still active.

The post that reached it for me was the one from the other day paralleling The Impossible Planet/The Satan Pit and The Legend of Ruby Sunday. It's now at 1,450 notes and is currently my second most popular post of all time, after a post I made in 2011, which is my only post ever to break 2k notes, specifically 2,266. The vast majority of my original posts are lucky to get into the 10s or even 100s of notes (my average is apparently 17.18 notes per original post), which is fine by me. I wouldn't have been doing this so long if my motivation was notes-based. Still, it's just a little weird to realise how little it all adds up to in the end.

Obviously a fair few of the notes I receive are likes and some are comments, but it brings home how little I've been interacted with in 13 years despite it never feeling that way. The 398 reblogs on my Sutekh post from 3 days ago are 4% of all my reblogs ever. That 2011 Doctor Who day post has 1,343 reblogs (reblog ratios were sooo much better then, wow) and is over 13% of all my reblogs ever. For contrast, my Hide Away video (which was an addition on someone else's post, so doesn't count towards my total unless people reblogged it directly from me) has 88,000 views, most of which it garnered in its first few weeks. My Merlin fanvideo from 2012 has 11k views. A couple of brief moments of almost virality eclipse my entire time on this platform.

Of course, this is actually quite nice really, so I don't wish this post to sound all sad and mopey. I've been very lucky with my fandom experience. Although I've had a couple of unpleasant interactions, I've mostly stayed under the radar enough to just get to chill and yell about things with people in a pleasant way. It's just a surprise to me to get sudden context for my time on here in numbers and thus have to recontextualise what tumblr interaction looks like and how much of it I've actually been on the receiving end of. Regardless, I guess thanks? For the 10,000 reblogs? I'm not going anywhere any time soon, so let's see if it takes me another 13 years to hit the 20,000 mark.

13 years, 1,885 followers, 1,842 original posts, 69,238 posts overall, 31,638 notes and 10,000 reblogs. That's pretty damn cool, but also pretty weird.

[strawberry-daiquiris]

AO3 Wrapped!

nobody tagged me in this hahahah i just wanted to keep a record like i did last year so this is a mash up of a couple of different versions (not figg as i first posted lol)

Works Published: 26 (including 1 anon fic)

Comment Threads: 791

Word Count: 222,139 (took jump right in out of the total because most of it was written/half was published in 2023 but ao3 includes it in the latest updated year for stats)

Top 3 Kudosed Fics:

(again... ignoring jump right in... sort of)

🏆 hard on the brakes

🥈 lay your open hand

🥉 something dumb to do

Top Word Count:

🏆 lay your open hand (51k)

🥈 still reserved for me (35k)

🥉 girls just wanna f1 tumblr fics (15k)

Top Ships:

🏆 landoscar

🥈 🥉 a tie between piastrell and piastrella, as it should be <3

and then some additional questions, cutting this for dash length purposes...

What work are you most proud of (regardless of kudos/hits)?  this one is so hard... last year i had a stand out because jump right in was (and still is) such a huge accomplishment. i guess i'm proud of still reserved for me because it's a continuation of a world i feel so happy in, and even though the readers have dropped off a lot i feel like i'm writing for a group of people who really Get and Love the two of them. it makes me proud to have managed to build something like that!!!

i'm also just proud of the sheer word count... insane... stupid... get a grip.

What work of yours got more feedback than you expected? oh 100% the piastrells... really didn't think anyone else apart from about 4 certified fellow freaks were going to be into them as a pairing, but i've had some lovely, insightful feedback about them and their relationship that makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside!!!!

What work was the quickest to write? just like last year i've got a few fics that were one session wonders. sun down and i'm feeling lifted aka help i think i fancy some driver's sisters, this (maybe not so now) anon when i was hit by the Future of F1, the tarkov nortrell and all of the andrea/oscar fics that were basically me working through my sport emotions, lol.

What work took you the longest to write?  i started the gdoc of what became lay your open hand in april and posted it december, but i was only properly working on it from some point in september. still reserved for me took the best part of two months as well. next year i have 3 wips i'd lke to actually finish that could steal the title tbh.

What’s your most common “Additional Tags” tag? rule 63 babyyyyyy!!!! closely followed by age difference and magical realism, which tracks.

Your favourite character to write this year? toss up between oscar and max fewtrell, which explains nicely why the brittle fics are my highlights of 2024.

The character that gave you the most trouble writing this year? lando still stressing me out to this day... i think i am nearly there with the voice (although frightened of over using in case i fall into it sounding forced) but the rapidly changing state of mind on that man... i think i love him so much it's hard to feel like i ever capture him properly, the wriggly little wormy thing.

What’s one pairing you want to explore next year? i think there's a jendo in me bubbling below the surface.

Favourite work you wrote this year? oh i think i have already answered this by going on and on about it, but brittle it shakes, closely followed by something to sink your teeth into and a podium finish for float away like vapour.

ok sorry if you read this because it was LONG... i'm also going to make a few new years resolutions...

i'm going to get better at replying to comments and not feel shame if i go back and respond to ones from a while ago

stop being hard on yourself, stop deciding a fic is rubbish and then hate it/want to delete it, stop holding yourself to DEADLINES... it's not that deep, it's not a job, it's supposed to be FUN

i'm going to read more - i will stop saving fics for 'the best time for them' and start reading them when they come out so that i don't miss my chance.

[my-favourite-zhent]

New Tricks - Chapter 19

Status: Work In Progress

Version: 1.01

Pairing: Rugan x AFAB!OC

Rating: NC-17 (This chapter PG-13)

Genre: Adventure/Romance

Summary: Misadventures of Rugan and the original Zhentarim Gate's crew before and during the year of three sailing ships.

Notes: When one chapter becomes three. The main scenes for the next two upcoming chapters were written way back when I was struggling with chapter six. It was meant to be chapter eight but the plot got away from me a bit. This chapter started out as a little extra tidbit at the start but ended up growing into its own thing and for once I didn't delete an Izzy POV chapter.

Thank you to @fistfuloftarenths, @captainsigge, @dustdeepsea for always being my wonderful betas and providing me with encouragement. If it weren't for you all I think I would've deleted this chapter.

Dust also had the great suggestion of including the clip from Izzy's notebook and showed me how to do all the lovely formatting you will see in this chapter <3. (Check the AO3 link for that and additional footnotes as it's not in the tumblr post)

Also a shout out to @coreene for having such a treasure trove of lore on her tumblr! Always super helpful for fleshing out the background world lore.

Table of Contents

Read Here on AO3 or below the cut.

By now rotten luck had coloured most of Isolde’s life. 

It seemed to her that it had all begun after her parents' untimely deaths when she was sixteen.

What had begun as one bad year became two, with her exile to some gods forsaken farmlands and her first heartbreak at seventeen. 

The following year had appeared to break the trend—she had been offered the position of sizar at the university where her parents once taught. Only in reality it had simply been a year spent building the framework for a truly devastating nineteenth year and an end to her academic aspirations. Her first lover came and went. First friends came and went. Corra was the only good thing to come out of her short-lived scholastic career.

The jobs had been like that too. Someone would turn traitor or stupid. Load bearing beams would give way. Priceless urns would be full of fucking venomous spiders. Only now she had been prepared for rotten luck. Moulded by it.

Now she always slipped a spare trinket under her blouse or in her boot just in case the job didn't pay. Now she kept her valuables in a safe deposit box on the off chance her room got ransacked again. Now she slept in her road breeches with a knife under her pillow, and while she'd never been trained to kill, jabbing someone who wasn't expecting it gave you a good head start on an escape. 

Seventeen years of bad luck had taught her to be prepared and to be persistent. She had survived and even sometimes thrived because of it.

So now, as she watched the sailors drag her chest up onto the deck of the ship, she felt especially stupid.

“My tools are in there! I've paid you good coin to transport those!” She screamed, but her voice could barely be heard by the man next to her over the crashing of the waves. 

The ship rocked under another violent tumult of wind. The tempest had come upon them without any warning, clear blue skies had become turbulent greys streaked in black and white in mere moments. There wasn't even supposed to be storms like this on the Sword Coast for another month. It was just her luck. 

Distantly she heard cries to cut the main sail.

The sailor looked as contrite as one could in the midst of a squall. “Sorry lass, bitch queen needs her offering!” 

And despite the pelting hail and whipping winds it was the word lass that made her flinch. 

‘Should have never gotten aboard a ship out of Neverwinter,’ she thought bitterly as she watched them tip her chest into the sea.

The contract she had taken in Baldur's Gate was an easy forgery job. She could've sat nice and safe in a room at the Elfsong scribbling away before meeting Rugan. She would've made a mint for doing hardly anything at all. But now her seals were gone and with it the contract.

Standing on the docks, Isolde weighed her options. It was alright. This was manageable. She still had the clay impressions of her fake seals in her pack. The sheep’s bladder she kept them in had protected them from any water damage from the storm. A half-way competent smith could recreate the seals from the pressings easily. But just how much would halfway decent cost her? More than she had left, it turned out. Most of her coin was now at the blacksmith's, and that was only the first half of the payment.

Her hand strayed time and again to where her insurance necklace would be, but she had pawned it. Pawned it for the same reason she had come to the city. The same reason she was flat broke. At least she could make that bastard buy her a drink. Blame him heartily for her misfortune. And if he smiled at her even once her fool heart would find the whole venture worthwhile.

“Sorry, miss, believe his caravan is on the road right now. Haven't seen him in a tenday.” The man behind the bar at the Elfsong shrugged.

It was just her rotten luck.

In weaker moments of her life she had considered leaving offerings to Beshaba at those little roadside shrines made of antlers and twigs. But no, fuck that deer-headed bitch. And fuck Umberlee too, while she was at it.

The barkeep looked apologetic, just as the sailor had, but that wasn't going to help her out in any way, shape or form.

She would need to find another job to take on. Isolde considered the other local contract she had ignored on account of the risk. There was nothing for it now. She leaned back in her stool and sighed. So long and low and frustrated that the man gave her another sympathetic look.

“Drink might help with that, miss.”

She opened her coin purse and eyed the few bits she had left.

“Give me the strongest thing you've got for two silvers.” She said sliding the coins across the table.

The man nodded and exchanged them for a pitcher of wine and a tall glass.

“If it's not a pressing issue,” he added as he poured the first glass full for her. “Could leave a letter with me if you like. He's in here every night when the caravan’s not on the road.”

Isolde perked up at that. “If you wouldn't mind.”

“Half the point of an inn is to have a place to send letters. I even mail some out if you've got a coin for the ship’s captain.”

Isolde almost took out her pen and ink right there, but then thought better of it. No sense trying to hastily scribble a note at the bar where some other patron would knock their elbows against hers and make the barman regret his offer.

Scooping up her glass and pitcher, pack slung over her shoulder, Isolde tipped her head in thanks and made for one of the alcoves at the far end of the taproom.

The Elfsong was much nicer than she had expected. The floors were worn but well-maintained, the drapes were not frayed and had minimal patching. She had been told more than once this place was a tourist trap, but when Rugan had called it his local she had presumed it to be something more akin to a dive bar. Had that been unkind of her? The Blackstaron and the Prow in Waterdeep had both been nicely kept inns, even if they had managed to get themselves kicked out of the first one.

She was broken from her train of thought when another patron collided into her, the wine from her glass sloshing over her hand.

“Sorry, love.” The man offered though he didn't even bother to meet her eyes as he and his date brushed past and grabbed the seat she had been eyeing. The date gave her a look that was half amusement, half pity, and Isolde muttered a curse under her breath as she stalked down to the next alcove.

Carefully she placed her wine down on the table, mindful of how it still undulated in its confines. With her clean hand she withdrew a rag from her pack and wet it with her waterskin, wiping clean the other before finally seating herself. 

As she unpacked her writing tools she wondered idly if this was the same seat Rugan liked to frequent. Would he have a regular seat? She should've asked the barman. No, on second thought that was a terrible idea. Isolde had seen and chosen to ignore the pitying look the man had given her when Rugan's name had slipped her lips. Didn't need to let him know how badly besotted she was, admitting it to herself was embarrassing enough.

She drained her first glass before setting pen to paper. This one was easy enough to write, and feeling a bit bold she applied a thin layer of vermillion to her lips as the ink dried. She marked the page with her lips and hoped it would make Rugan suitably unhappy about standing her up.

There was another letter she should write, though she wasn't too pleased about it. 

‘It might not be necessary.’ She tried to tell herself. 

She pulled out her leather bound notebook. It was a tiny thing, worn at the edges, about as wide and long as her hand but maybe two finger-span thick.

The contact information for the job had been hastily scribbled on one of the thick pages, just in case.

It had been Isolde's father who had taught her how to bind books, but it had been her mother who had taught her how to spot traps.

There were many things to take into account, but it came down to a few large considerations:

Was this culture known for booby-trapping tombs? Was this a place or person of importance?

An Imaskari noble would have a much more dangerous mausoleum than a Tharrian peasant.

Was there irregular wear on the ground that might suggest its builders walked a specific, safe path?

Pressure plates were a simple trap and thus effective trap. They stood the test of time better than more complex machinery.

Were there intricate patterns on the structure that could conceal glyphs?

Metal lasted long but magic lasted damn near indefinitely and could do far more damage.

One should be wary on any job, but if the answer to any of these questions was yes then doubly so.

Isolde had a similar list of tell-tale signs when it came to selecting jobs.

Was this client known to her network?

One tended to see the same familiar faces handling these operations. Sure muscle and labour would be locals, but the showrunner was usually one of two dozen folks who had the training to identify a site or the connections to fence the goods. Some characters were more trustworthy than others.

And no, the folks named here were not known to her or anyone she had asked.

Was the site near a city centre?

They oft times were—cities tended to grow on the bones of their forebears, like Luskan and Illusk. This meant more secrecy was necessary, but also less violence. Harder to hide a body and its eventual rot. Out in the wilds you didn’t even need to bury a corpse for it to never be found.

This job was definitely not near a city.

Was the pay reasonable?

Too high meant this was a con, you were lucky if you only came out empty-handed. Too low meant whoever was in charge didn’t even know what their goods were worth, if anything, and they didn’t know the running cost of a black market archaeologist.

Too low, far too low.

She had already known all this, but somehow had hoped the details might have changed since she last looked at the notebook. Isolde groaned and threw her head back against the wall of the booth. She was going to have to write the second letter.

Isolde poured and downed two more glasses of wine before she was sufficiently over her shame of having to ask Corra for money. If the forgery job was still around when she returned she’d pay Corra back two-fold.

Maybe she could just wait till Corra’s letter of credit came through, there were cheaper inns in the city, certainly. Gods, maybe a flophouse? But no, after hunting around the lower city and Norchapel it turned out Baldur’s Gate was almost as overpriced as Waterdeep.

‘Should’ve sent the letter and waited before paying for the tools.’ She thought dejectedly.

There ended up being roughly enough coin for a night or two in a flop house, some food for the road and a ride on a caravan heading west. So that was what she resolved to do.

Hopefully, stupidly, she looked for his face amongst the various caravans on the morning she made her way out of Baldur's Gate.

The wagons outside Basilisk Gate were packed end to end—or end to horse as it were. Some people pushed handcarts, perhaps to visit the nearby farms. She also saw oxen hitched to sturdy wagons loaded down with heavier goods. Merchants with lighter goods like the one she accompanied had horses to carry them along faster.

It was a decently nice carriage. Nothing fancy like the wooden conveyances that nobles used, but it had a sturdy canvas roof which was more than most.

The air by now was rank with the dung of a hundred beasts of burden, idling while their masters impatiently waited behind the traffic of a several dozen handcarts.

‘Just like Crimmor.’ She thought with an amused sort of wistfulness.

Isolde noticed then a group dressed in that familiar black and yellow, and her heart struggled to break free from the confines of her ribs. She leaned out the back of the wagon to get a better look. Though she squinted hard there was no one she was acquainted with. Just some red-head with clownish hair, though he had a familiar sort of chin.

“Don't want to be looking too long, dearie. Not a friendly bunch.” Warned the old woman across from her, not unkindly. The merchant’s mother as she understood it.

“Of course, my thanks.” Isolde bowed her head and sat back down on the wagon floor. 

They began moving at last, just as the dawn's early light was obscured by heavy soot coloured clouds. A wry smile twisted Isolde's lips.

“Something funny, dear?”

Isolde turned to meet the woman's gaze. “Just my luck, that’s all.”

[destinyc1020]

Hi destiny, I just started reading your posts regularly and I have been loving them 💕 I'm sorry if you already talked about it but I was wondering

When Zendaya posted her story with the pearl ring last year, what did you think about the whole situation ?

To me personally, I saw the picture and thought nothing. Like pretty picture but that's it. And I was checking twitter at the time and no one was saying anything. Then Z deleted, cropped it, posted about focusing on the hat, then Noon.. then the story saying she can't post anything and that's not how she would drop the news. All of this, I thought it was a funny, like ridiculous, but still funny 😂 I dont know why she started to make a big deal out of it because I swear no one was posting about it, it was making any noise on Twitter or any platform.

BUT then Darnell went online and that's when I started to think they were doing too much. The funny story from Z was already a good way to address it, the live and more especially his tone, it made me raise my eyebrows a little bit. I know he would never do anything against Z's wishes so I'm not saying he's at fault, but Z herself and her decision making. She probably asked for him to go live, go on a monologue about it and idk if was the smartest way to deal with that because at the end of the day, he's a third party. He's not supposed to talk about it in that sense (but maybe that's just my personal view about relationships), but Z allowed him to, maybe even encouraged it. So it made me question their dynamic and how effective it is to send him do the "messy work" in a way. Also all of this was happening when Tom was asleep. Darnell sounded lowkey offended about the idea of an engagement. We can only have theories and right now they're doing more than fine, of course, but I wonder if Tom ever actually saw the video of the live and how he felt at the time. I'm not in his head but just from an outsider pov I would be like damn okay We're not engaged (assuming they're not, which we don't even know but still), but do we need to act like this is such a ridiculous idea🙃

To me (again, personal opinion)! the whole situation became too messy with this live and it's an example of needing a publicist before star thing to do shit on your own 😅

My theory is that someone in her family asked about it for some reasons, and instead of searching if rumors were actually going around massively (which was not the case) she panicked, thought something leaked, and (over)reacted immediately. I never saw her damage control being this incredibly over the top, and I've been there for years. I wonder if I'm the only one

and PSA: Im not saying that because I blame Darnell per say, it's not against him I really appreciate him from the little we know about him he's an incredible person and Z ride or die, I'm more specifically talking about her way of dealing with stuff like this. I would've said the same thing if it came from Tom's side. For example, for people who remember that era, when Tom asked Harry and Haz to DM fan pages to take down the vide of Nadia he accidentally posted in his story, I found it silly too. That's not their job. But at least it was done privately, not publicly

Hey, welcome to my blog! 😁👋🏾

Thnx for the sweet comments. 💕

Re: the Pearl Ring 💍 Gate lol 😆

Here's an article about it in case some people are lost lol....

Anyway... I'm like you, cuz when I first saw her IG story post, I wasn't even thinking about a ring or even thinking she was announcing an engagement lol 😂

I just merely thought she was showing off her outfit, that's all. 🤷🏾‍♀️ But yea, overzealous fans went gaga and started making all kinds of allegations. 🙄

While I'm glad she cleared things up and stopped the chatter, at the same time, it DID seem to me like she and Darnell were doing a bit too much rofl 🤣 Especially Darnell with his live talking about the topic lol 😆 Like, what are you all trying to hide lol? 🤭

Anyway, maybe you're right? She may have gotten a lot of text/msgs from family members or friends wondering if she was dropping some news, and she wanted to clear things up. Either that, or she just didn't want people thinking that she's engaged (when she's already secretly engaged and doesn't want the media to know 👀). Can you imagine trying to plan a wedding ceremony with the media on your back? That's a LOT of pressure. 🥴

Anyway....

I don't think it phased Tom any honestly lol 😆 Fans have to remember that Tom and Z are partners, so whatever they do or think, they talk about it. Couples usually talk about E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G... And I do mean EVERYTHING lol 😆 Even stuff that you wouldn't even think would be important rofl 🤣 Sometimes, my friend's boyfriend knows stuff that I've told her, and I'm like... 👀

So yea, they're fine. Tom knows how hard it is to navigate a rlshp in the public eye, and he's def on board with keeping his rlshp things sacred... as we saw in how he reacted to the Olivia pics, to the video about Nadia, to how he told the media that he felt that he and Zendaya's privacy was "violated" with those kiss pics in the car, to how he said he didn't want to speak on certain things w/out Zendaya, because this not just his story, it's THEIR story. 😊

So yea, he's fine with whatever needs to happen in order to keep their relationship sacred.

[thequeercommie]

My 2024

Personal

- I've been with my triad for a year and a half now. They are wonderful people, and I'm so happy to be with them

- I also started dating another woman earlier this year. We've had a lot of good times

- all 3 have been great partners. I could gush about them for a whole writing. Maybe that will be my next one

- I've been growing my hair for over a year and a half, and @GingerWolf and I are shaving our heads next year to raise money for cancer (and hair for wigs)

- I started a kinky discord server and I've made so many new friends

Health

- I got covid... Twice 🙄

- I haven't had to use my cane at all for months now. My feet still bother me sometimes, but nowhere near as bad as it used to be

- I started doing aquafit and trying to get more exercise

- I've completed 2 DBT modules

Fetlife

- a lot of supposed allies were outted as predators, transphobes, and creeps on fet, thanks to a lot of people coming forward and speaking up

- I got timed out, along with another person for speaking out against race play. That's when fet started locking people out and sh@dowb@nning them for asking for change. I deleted 2 accounts because of this

- a group was found that called for revoking women's rights, but fet allowed it to stay, because they said it's a "consensual kink group", but if you saw the posts before it was privated, that was definitely not the case

- several accounts have been deleted altogether for speaking out against bigotry, and site management refuses to respond to comments or emails about it

- I met some really great people and learned a lot about intersectionality, racism, and many other topics

Things that radicalized me:

- seeing the way women, especially women of colour, are treated online. It's appalling to see anyone treated with such disrespect

- the amount of hate I see towards trans people, and the number of people who don't care to learn because it doesn't affect them

- the policies going into effect that will just encourage more hate and violence

- but mostly... I care about people, and people are hurting. I want to help make things better

Plans for 2025

- move in with my boyfriend and Dom

- get collared

- raise hell against bigots

TL/DR: this was the year that really radicalized me

[hashtag-girlblogger]

how to live like it's 2014 again

If you're anything like me, you're nostalgic for everything. I am constantly wishing to be somewhere else or in some time else. I'm nostalgic for the 60's (I was born in 2001), nostalgic for the early 2000's (pop is just not the same), and most of all–I am nostalgic for 2012 to 2016. I think it is widely agreed that these years, especially on Tumblr, were the last best years many of us have ever had. I was a baby, still in middle school and just 15 years old in 2016. But wow, what a time to be alive. Music, movies, TV, pop culture, fashion, the internet–the world was a better place.

I have been toying with the idea of exiting mainstream society (as best I can) for sometime now. I've been thinking, "Is it possible to live in another era while stuck in the constantly evolving 2024?" Can I abandon social norms or things of "the time" and just live like it's 2014 again?

I've thought about what this would mean, what it would look like. Only listening to Halsey, Calvin Harris and Marina. Splurging at Victoria's Secret and wearing the iconic Tease perfume at all times. What's TikTok? You don't use Valencia on your Instagram posts? I'm obsessed with WeHeartIt. Look at my new Penny board!

Alternatively, I could take the Arctic Monkeys, soft grunge, American Apparel and Marlboro cigarettes route. All black, watching AHS Coven and wondering if I have secret witchy powers too.

I think where all these feelings come from is that the current state of the world is just not feeling so good (to put it nicely). The world is accelerating at a speed I do not want to keep up with. Social media and technology are great but it has literally become this crushing weight. "Just delete social media then." Yeah fair. I guess I just feel so disconnected from my life. From my real life. Like I spend so much of my time venturing into other worlds I've made up in my head. Like 2014 Tumblr. It's not here anymore, it's gone, but I live there. A part of me is still there.

I'm like 12 or 13 years old. Was still a competitive cheerleader, which I regrettably quit when I got to high school. I spent everyday after school with my friends, making video stars or doing gymnastics in the field. We would walk around our neighbourhood, talking about god knows what and enjoying every minute of it. I looked at the future and it could be anything. I could be anyone and do anything I wanted. I feel like that's what I really want. Maybe I miss the music and clothes and vibes of that era buy what I'm really craving is how purely simple and free I felt, how connected I felt to my own life.

Now I'm 22, soon to be 23. Graduating college soon, heading into my big girl job, big girl career. Totally terrified and also excited. But I spend my time alone, so much time alone. My social battery is always empty, I rarely catch up with friends. When I do, we always have to be doing something. Dinner, drinks, movies, parties, dancing, classes. It's never, just come over let's hangout. And I get it, we're young adults, we are supposed to be doing stuff, we are meant to be out and about living our best lives. I guess I just want it to feel different. I want it to feel like it used to.

Okay sooooo.

This is how to live like it's 2014.

Talk to your friends, often and without any agenda. Create the ultimate playlist, this one's pretty good:

Binge CW shows and trashy reality TV. Totally freak out when someone says you look like Violet from AHS (this actually happened to me at work the other day and I couldn't stop smiling). Say screw the trends and wear some skinny jeans and those Alexander McQueen ankle boots, Alexa Chung approved. Get off your phone and be alive now. It's 2014, you don't have a worry in the world.

[notasimpleslater]

(Reddit anon) Hey, thanks for answering. My theory towards the deleted/non-deleted posts, is that, if the rumors are to be believed, they've been together for several months and like I said wanted to start taking stuff down (probably something they came up with together) so that removing their S-O's from their pages would just be seen as part of the 'cleaning-up' process lots of celebs go through with their social media right before a big release (like Wicked is supposed to be). (1/2)

(1/2) Ethan for one was famously relatively private with his relationship, especially because some of the more rabid fans liked to attack his wife, so I think he might have thought he'd get away with it on the premise of 'protecting her and their son' and keeping them out of the spotlight. Like I said, I don't want to spread rumors but I can't help believing that this has been months in the works, they got caught or photographed together, and had to come up with something before it got out. (2.5) Also, I'm getting the sense that Ethan, like many of us, woke up to the story being splashed all over the front of every website imaginable, quickly privated his Instagram (whether he did that on his own or Ariana/one of his/her reps told him to do that is neither here nor there), and just hasn't opened the app since, hence why other pictures are still up. If the tabloids are to be believed and his wife truly was blindsided, I think he'd have more pressing concerns than opening Instagram. (Sorry this ended up being 4 messages, Tumblr asks are short) At first I thought that their comments being off had something to do with Wicked or something, but none of the other cast had that. Someone on Reddit also said that back in April Ethan and Ariana briefly unfollowed/blocked one another, so the theory is that they had a fight or something then and were playing up their KNOWN relationships (Ari with her anniversary, Ethan with mother's day) around that time to make everything seem A-OK.

Hey again 👋🏻

Yeah, that makes sense. Like, if it's true, I starting to wonder how long this has really been going on. I've seen some people mention how in the Mother's Day post Ethan called Lilly "the most wonderful mom/person" and that it seemed distant. So if anything that's probably when they separated, and the tabloids are just pushing the "she was blindsided!" thing for clicks. And on good terms since he still admires her as a person. (Page Six is not a reliable source, so I don't trust those articles)

Another question I have is if they have ever been seen in public together? A lot of articles are citing those pics from Michelle Yeoh’s party as proof of their relationship, but I don’t think so. Ethan publicly shared some of those pics to his stories, and he was wearing his wedding ring so I think they were just at that party as castmates. Then there was that pic posted by a fan in March. I remember the block/unblock thing back in April, but I assumed it was just a glitch and wasn’t purposeful. We haven’t seen any pics of them since then. I think we’ve seen more pics of Ariana with Bowen and Cynthia than we have with her with Ethan.

Another thing worth mentioning is that Ethan has been chronically off-line this whole year, and I’m starting to wonder if this has something to do with it.

[aluminescent]

Hello! I was wondering if you might be willing to share some of the most pivotal literature and resources that you used in the process of making Blackout? I for one would be interested :)

Hi there!

I'll do my best to answer! Under a read more, because I'm terribly long-winded.

RESOURCES As far as resources go, you're welcome to check out this post, which gives a general list of the many places I went online to do much of my research. As mentioned, that list isn't complete. At some point, I'll definitely try to expand that list, but some of the information is a bit proprietary only in that some of my research has a bit to do with things that will happen in the sequel(s), and I would definitely like to maintain those mysteries for now.

Definitely of note is that I also traversed SubReddits and Quora posts as well—under the assumption that the posts/responses were in good faith. There's nothing better than delving into actual accounts of people in the situations that I depicted, although I definitely felt at times that I was infringing on something private. I suppose internet anonymity sort of alleviated a touch of guilt 😅.

LITERATURE As far as pivotal literature. Ehm . . . I barely read published fictional literature anymore. As in, up until five years ago, I had a ten-year dry spell where I hadn't touched a book for recreational purposes. The most recent books I've read in the last 5 or so years are audiobooks of classics, and it's been about 3 years since I've listened to any of them again. For Blackout, I downloaded/read a lot of journal studies or text books. I'm so ashamed, hah! In that vein, even the amount of fanfiction I've read over the years has gotten smaller and smaller; I literally just reread/re-listen to my favorite ones over and over again, even if they weren't the best written. I blame my hyper fixations.

I still want to create a mini 'suggested reading' list for CM fics (which will suspiciously be heavily Reid-centric and suspiciously whumpy), so I don't want to drop any Criminal Minds fics here yet. But on that, I did mention one in Chapter 16: Guilt endnotes, so you're welcome to read that CM fic.

Okay, yes, shut up me—sorry. Again, I'm not the best person to go to if you want a quick answer, hah! Here's one that is not Criminal Minds related that—well . . . the first book made me quite literally manic. Manic. If you're going through some mental stuff at the moment, I don't suggest you read it yet, because I was going through some things the first time I read it, and oof. Or, I dunno, if you're a glutton for pain (like me), go ahead and read it anyway. Back when I was still heavily on FFN, I wrote hundreds of thousands of words in reviews for this fic. I began creating a comic for it that I posted here on Tumblr (years and years ago—it still exists because I don't have the heart to delete the blog). In other words, I'm a die-hard fan of this series and will always, always recommend it to people, whether they're reading fandom blind or they're familiar with its source. I'm currently rereading the whole series again—for the umpteenth time. This fic has 100%—nay 300%—had a massive influence on my approach to writing, and if you read it I think you'll notice that.

I primarily access it now through AO3. The first book even has an amazing podfic. Here you go:

The Fallen by Engazed

Fandom: BBC Sherlock

I promise, you won't be disappointed.

Yes, good. I hope? I answered your question. I'm sorry for talking so darn much. Good day, good day.

[dummyinabody]

10/3/24 JOURNAL ENTRY - HEART OF GOLD

Hello!! I have been here many times before and every time, I had eventually fallen deep within the depths of sexually explicit content that would then lead me into seeking male validation for my body, to the extent that I was prioritizing taking pictures of myself for men I don't know rather than just putting down my damn phone and experiencing real life, respecting my body and mind, and making real human connections!

So, considering how I am trying to improve in all areas of life, and find more creative outlets, I deleted my blogs again, and am approaching this app differently :) I hope to write lots!! I have been writing quite a bit from day to day but something about typing all these thoughts out and posting it into the void is so satisfying!

I awoke this morning, feeling as though I had slept a lifetime, only to discover it was 7:50 am lol

I have been working morning shifts for so long, that I suppose getting up early on the weekends is inevitable, my body has decided for me that I am a morning person now lol; reluctantly.

I am on a fitness journey, although recently have fallen off of my usual routine of hiking every morning and sometimes in the evenings as well! it was so wonderful, and I felt unstoppable, so I would love to get back to that! although, the mornings have been colder these last few weeks which I think has contributed to me lounging around more often. perhaps I should go for a hike today!

I don't seem to know how to just sit with myself, in silence. I must always have some form of music or noise in the background of whatever it is I plan to do, or else I lose all motivation to do anything lol, I should work on that.

Okay, so there is this wonderful guy I've had the pleasure of getting to know this past year, and due to us living an hour away from each other, and having incredibly busy and mismatched schedules, I hardly ever get to see him :(

I met this dude at a GWAR concert haha, and had used him to stay upright throughout the show, and after things had died down a bit, we danced flirtatiously and enjoyed the sensations of fake blood and guts being sprayed all over us lol. doesn't sound like a meet cute but we had this electric chemistry right off the bat, or at least, it felt to be that way :)

So, I got his number, and we've been hanging out ever since. If I'm not mistaken, I believe the concert was last October. I've been to a few more concerts with him during this time. Anyways, this dude just drove to see me on one of his days off because I had asked him to, and although we didn't have much planned for the day, and he showed up way later than I was hoping, I had a blast with him!

Not realizing though until the following day that he had been trying to take me out on a proper date during that time and I was completely blindsided :/

i had wanted more quality time (also hoping things would get more physical this way) so i was wanting to just spend this time with him having a chill day in but he wanted to get some food at a resturaunt and i was like ohh sure, could we just get it to go though, and he insisted we eat at the restaurant!! clue number fucking one!! I'm so fucking dumb oh my god! and then he wanted to drive over to this park that was close by (my favorite park) to go for a stroll afterwards, which again, I was not connecting the dots lol. the whole fucking time I was just eager to get back home so we could chill out lol

oh!! and did I mention? he got me the most thoughtful birthday gift! of which he had been downplaying for weeks prior :)) why the fuck is he being so fucking sweet and charming??! it is driving me mad quite frankly :/

did I mention he is also very musically inclined?? and hot as fuck lol

he is by definition, a pretty boy! I know this well, because whenever I am in his presence and go off to use the restroom, and look at myself in the mirror, suddenly I look very plain in comparison to his gorgeous fucking face :( it pisses me off over how wonderful this dude is. it makes me nervous that I may lose this charming man.

he is also incredibly funny, and highly intelligent, and genuinely, has a heart of gold :) now I know what Neil Young was singing about, I've found myself a heart of gold. Although I suppose I'm the type of girl that these romantic gestures would be wasted on, considering how I only ever want to cuddle with this dude or throw myself at him (not really though as I am far too shy to be so blunt) it took a lot of courage the other night for me to request that we cuddle, mostly out of fear of rejection :/

but hey, we did! we were planning to paint actually, but I seem to almost always get him way too stoned to function, not realizing that he may be a bit of a light weight lol. which is saying a lot because I thought I was!

IDK DUDE!! What is he thinking?!! we started this off originally as a way for me to get some more sexual experiences because I felt safe with him to touch me, whereas with others, it has usually taken me months to let my walls down before they could touch me, and since he was horny as fuck and just got his heart broken, we agreed our relationship would be more of a friends with benefits type deal. and then he started to get to know me more, and I guess he became very fond of me as a person, and switched the script, requesting that we take it slow from now on because he cares for me?? I was like, okay buddy, what kind of sick game is this?? no guy does that shit right?! especially knowing that I was enjoying the progression of our physical relationship before then and thought I had been making it very clear to him that I wanted more of him in that way :/

he claims this is because in his past relationships, he had gone too fast and it had a tendency to complicate things and those relationships were never as strong as a result, but I have trouble trusting that, and due to my many insecurities, I can't help but wonder if he is simply too kind to just bluntly say, he does not like me in that way :/

considering how during this date we just had, that I hadn't realized was a date (dude was opening doors for me left and right too, such a sweetie pie!) i was mentioning the strangest things, such as my mothers sex life???!!! wtaf was i thinking?! and also a story about the time i stumbled upon a dead bird and decided to bring it home with me and leave it to decompose so I could retrieve the bones as decor for my room :}

I don't know what he sees in me dude, I'm fucking strange! and I don't particularly dress to impress, and I am very antisocial lol

we have done some things in the past, but never to the point of being fully unclothed, and when we were half naked, it was in dim lighting, so he has yet to see the story my body has to tell; my self harm scars and truly bizarre birth mark along my hipbone that I deeply despise :/

he has also yet to see my body as it is now, vs when I was 20 pounds bigger, which also makes me wonder if that is why he decided to fucking cut me off when we had started this out with him lusting after me like a mad man :(

I fucking love that shit, I wish I knew

idk, the longer I get to know someone, the harder it is to think that one day I may lose them, because unfortunately I've grown attached, and genuinely care for them now, which has stopped me from asking for more.

or perhaps it isn't about me at all. he is his own person, going through some tough shit, living a whole life away from me; his motivations may remain forever unknown to me, and that is okay. I'm honestly just surprised he keeps coming back for more of me haha, I'm a fucking weirdo!

I'd be less fearful to share my thoughts and feelings and ask him to share his if I did not care for him so deeply. either way, at least I had the privilege of feeling so strongly for another ~

[17cmiller]

So, do you guys know Kraneimation from DA?

Hey guys, 17cmiller here. Once upon a time I had a Deviantart account. I had to deactivate it due to a conflict involving a certain user - I didn't want any beef.

So, you guys may know this guy as the creator of Tom MacPow (or well now it's Tom Matthews). Well for those of you who don't know what if I told you all that he had another account once: it was called Jeremy the Blockhead (and mariolover54321 before that). He operated it from 2012-2018 before making his current account around August of 2018. At the time, he had characters like Tom and Star (er, Samantha now) and still does but what you didn't know he also had other characters at one point: Melody, Kippy, Clara and a few others (he stopped drawing them before the account jump). Well, the reason I'm making this post is because he recently deactivated it. I initially made a post on the topic on there wondering what happened, he wouldn't say anything about it, so I kept making a few more posts on the matter, I even sent him an email on that same website at one point - still nothing. So, I messaged him on his message wall and that was when I finally got my answer (I'll be analyzing it)

''you realize that the old account's been deactivated for literal months right, up to a year even? (Well, if it's been deactivated for a year then how come I was still able to see it up earlier this year fully intact. Hell, how were you even able to reactivate it a few weeks ago with the same results. Plus, you act as if I'm supposed to just know when it was deactivated)

i deactivated that account because i wanted to move on. i understand this is upsetting for you, but i feel like you need to understand that i just want to move on with myself and better myself. i had a lot of bad memories from that account and i'd rather focus on bettering myself. (Dude, let's be honest - you left it up for over 5 years after you stopped using it (which btw is half a decade or more) - how is that wanting to move on? (especially considering you never even considered deactivation beforehand). Plus, if you had ''bad memories'' from that account, why did you leave it up for as long as you did?. Also, didn't you also have good memories from that account as well (why are you only focusing on the bad)?)

now if you can stop obsessing over me on your end, that would be fantastic, thanks : ) (Woah there buddy, slow your role there, I only said I was a fan of your work, I never said anything about being obsessed over you. Plus, I just wanted you to reactivate your other account. So, chill out, will you? Geez, you're acting like I want to marry you or something - no offense but I'm not gay. And before any of you come at me with the ''he's autistic'' thing just know that I am too, but at least I don't say stuff like this whenever someone appreciates my art).''

You guys have to admit that I made some pretty good points on this. If you're gonna leave an old account up for years on end, only for you to decide to deactivate now all of a sudden, then why even bother leaving it up at all?

Yeah so, that was the response I got - it took a freaking week to get a response out of him and I don't even agree with it (especially that last part which was completely out of pocket imo. I get that I may have annoyed him at some point with all the posts asking what happened to his old account but that last bit was still unnecessary - if this is him wanting to "better himself" then he's doing just a stand up job at it already. Keep in mind, I've been nothing but nice to him the whole time). Anyway, after one final post on DA explaining that I finally got some closure. He blocked me. I tried to apologize to him (and I even deleted all the DA posts I made surrounding the deactivation), but apparently he didn't want to hear it. As I mentioned before, I deactivated my DA account because I didn't want anymore problems with anyone.

[marysuefacepalm]

This Blog Should Never Have Been Made

I am Ace and I am the original creator of MarySueFacePalm and I’d like to finally post my feelings on this blog’s run from 2012 - 2014. If you have, had, or currently enjoy my blog then I beg you to read this post and understand my perspective now. I will be going over:

What I did with this blog

Why it was wrong

Internet Influences and my misguided justification

What mindset I was in

What I did to change

How those changes impacted my view on the blog

How I conduct myself in fandom spaces now

The brief relapses into bad behavior and handling urges to relapse

Hopefully by the end of this post, you will understand why I’ve gone through all of the archive and deleted the vast majority of the reviews.

But first, I would like to say from the bottom of my heart that I am so sorry to everyone who I demeaned, talked down to, and knowingly hurt. Running this blog is one of my deepest regrets. I'm ashamed that this is part of my past.

I will be leaving up fanart people made of our mascot. I will also be leaving up any advice posts (posts that do not include original characters). They’re old and I can’t say I would still follow any of that advice from 8+ years ago, but they're not inherently harmful.

What I Did With This Blog

In short, I abused the power of influence. I used my following of thousands of fans to publicly ridicule people. My critiques were disrespectful, insensitive, cruel, and posted to a massive audience. Shining a negative light on something, mocking it, and then asking people to please not send the authors hate is just so backwards and unrealistic. Firstly, the post itself was hateful in that it was publicly mocking someone's work. Second, of course people were going to send hate. My posts directly led to young people online being dogpiled with cruel words from many strangers. I can't imagine how hard it must have been to come home from school, log onto deviantArt, and see dozens of messages mocking, devaluing, and degrading you.

I would not be shocked if some artists gave up a wonderful creative outlet as a result of my bullying. There's no way to undo the negative impact I've had on people's lives. Not only the people who were directly mocked, but everyone who looked on and saw OCs being dogpiled on for flawed writing. It no doubt discouraged young authors and artists from branching out, taking risks, or even harmlessly indulging in what they like. I made and created a culture of fear within this blog and I should have seen that in the timid asks I got such as "how can I write a good OC, I don't want to end up on a Mary Sue Blog".

I also participated in slut shaming. Characters with revealing outfits were tagged as "slutty". The point that I wanted to make was that I found the outfit choices to be significantly inappropriate for the setting. So why did I contribute to the use of a word that demeans and shames women? Internalized misogyny and a general "not-like-other-girls" attitude from high school that I was growing out of. I remember getting asked why I was using slut shaming when it wasn't even what I was trying to say, and I remember I admitted it was wrong, and kept doing it anyway. The only explanation I ever found was that I thought it was fine to do since the characters were fictional. That's incorrect. How we treat fictional characters can bleed over to how we treat people in real life. It's really embarrassing to look back on and not how I would ever conduct myself now.

Why My Actions (and How I Defended Those Actions) Were Wrong

I would often wrongly defend myself and my actions when receiving well-deserved criticism. I'm going to go over some of the most common defenses I can remember and debunk them.

I would sometimes say that I had every right to be rude and disrespectful and imply that nobody is entitled to kindness. While I suppose that is true, that's not the person I want to be and now I would condemn anyone who knowingly chooses to be cruel without provocation.

I would claim that anything posted online is subject to criticism; and the only way to prevent negative criticism is to avoid posting your work. A very "if you can't take the heat, get out of the kitchen" style argument. This is deflection. Nobody was saying that I couldn't criticize people's work. The issue people were trying to convey was the manner in which my opinions were being delivered (cruelly, and to thousands of followers).

I would claim that my reviews weren't hateful or harmful because they contained good advice. Whether or not my opinions were good/correct/helpful is irrelevant to why this argument is wrong and a deflection. A statement being good advice, and a statement being delivered with malicious intent, are two truths that can coexist. The people I bullied did not need to hear any good advice, and they certainly didn't need to be demeaned in the name of good advice.

I would claim that Fair Use gives me the right to use copyrighted material when critiquing something. It doesn't matter if what I was doing was legal or not. Nobody was saying I should be arrested, they were saying I shouldn't make these posts on a moral basis.

I was so focused on being factually right that I never stopped to ask myself if I was being morally right. I finally realized this when a therapist asked me "Why is being [factually] right so important to you?" and I was finally able to acknowledge that my behavior and justifications for my behavior were abnormal. To ignore the feelings of others so coldly in the pursuit of "dunking" on small artist with opinions masquerading as fact, is almost sociopathic. I could only stomach it because it was online and anonymous, so I could be harmful without having to deal with the consequences of my harmful behavior. I encourage anyone and everyone to always remember there are real people behind every post on social media.

Internet Influences of 2012

A big influence at the time was The Nostalgia Critic and other "angry, sarcastic, childish" critics. What I didn't understand at the time was this angry, sarcastic, and childish persona they adopted was a comedic character and not something to be emulated carelessly. Movie or Videogame writers/directors aren't going to be affected by a review from Nostalgia Critic or The Angry Videogame Nerd. This is because their influence and audience is much larger than that of the critics. Additionally, the directors/authors/etc. are adults who chose to create these movies/games as a profession. The games and movies are sold to the public and the public generally want to know if these commodities are worth their money. The critics in this case provide utility in this regard. The idea that a woman sitting online mocking young hobbyists with small followings in front of hundreds of eyes is even remotely comparable to videogame or movie critics is absolute lunacy. That I ever defended my right to do so by fancying myself a critic is shameful.

My Mindset in 2012-2014 and What I Did to Change

I was 19-21 during the run of this blog and I was going through my lowest point of depression. I wasn't taking care of myself, I was avoidant, I was in a fog, I dropped out of college, and I had aggression issues. Bullying people online was a coping mechanism to feel like I had control and a means to take out frustration and aggression. This does not excuse anything I've done. Coping mechanisms can be harmful to yourself and others; and should be addressed when found to be harmful. I've included this section so that someone out there might learn from my mistakes.

In 2014, two of my closest friends (Gabe and Cherry) finally confronted me about my rages and anger issues. They completely cut all contact with me and explained why. I had been in denial about my depression hurting anyone other than myself up until that point. When I lost them, I finally realized I had made hurting people a part of my lifestyle and had become an abuser to my friends. I felt sick and ashamed, and I resolved to change. I enrolled in Intensive Outpatient Treatment (also known as IOP for "Intensive Outpatient Program") for my depression, anxiety, and anger issues. I spent months going to 5 hour therapy sessions 4 times a week. It was like a job, and I took it as seriously as a job. After that, I continued to go to weekly 1 hour sessions for a few years. Now, I still take anti-depressants, but I'm proud to say I've learned how to manage interpersonal relationships, how to manage my feelings, and most importantly I've learned healthy coping mechanisms.

While my mental state cannot excuse what I've done, I hope people can understand that this blog was a symptom of an unhealthy mind lashing out. It is not something to reflect on positively.

As a side note, Gabe and Cherry were kind enough to forgive me and give me another chance to be the friend they deserve.

A Retrospective Look at the Blog

The humor is dated, lacking, and lazily relies on reaction gif humor. It very much feels like a product of 2012-2014.

It also reads as extremely arrogant and conceited. The expression of my opinions on OCs was not more important than the feelings of others. My opinions never should have been elevated as facts or treated as law. Critique of creative pieces is valid, but the intention behind these critiques was not pure. As I was deleting the posts, I felt ashamed at the way I conducted myself. I considered privating the posts, but there's nothing here worth keeping.

How I Behave in Fandom Spaces 10 Years Later

Now in 2022 I do my best to stay in my lane. If I don't like something, I don't say anything unless specifically asked for feedback. Even then, I give my thoughts in a professional manner. I don't post "snarky" humor anymore because it was never funny, it was needlessly shady and mean. I keep that type of "omg look at this, it's ridiculous" opinion private between friends in DMs, where it can never hurt the author. If someone online posts controversial things to bait discourse, I try my best to move on and not take the bait.

The only exception is if something is harmful. If content is racist, ableist, or promotes risky behavior (s*icide/self-h*rm) then I express my opinions strongly. The key difference is intention. In 2012-2014 I was acting with malicious intent. Now, if I'm putting something down it is because I think it could harm people and needs to be questioned/taken down.

Relapsing into Bad Behavior and Old Habits

Given this whole essay, you'd think I would have completely learned my lesson and would never participate in OC or artist shaming ever again. I wish that was the case.

Around the spring and summer of 2020, Gabe, Cherry, and I made new friends in fandom spaces. We ignored red flags and were complicit in catty attitudes and behaviors that we don't normally condone. Suddenly I was back to wanting to post shady comments to make my friends laugh as we mocked "cringe" content.

But the toxicity festered to a point where Gabe, Cherry, and I finally realized what was happening. Disgusted with our behavior, we vowed to never fall into those old habits again. We also realized that the people you surround yourself with have an impact on your own behavior. It is your responsibility to choose your friends wisely because those are the people you will be receiving encouragement, social queues, approval, disapproval, criticism, and validation from. If your friends are toxic, it will rub off on you one way or another.

We immediately tried to express discomfort with those friends and explained our perspective, but most of those friends we no longer have contact with.

I feel like leaving shady comments online was only satisfying because I had people gassing me up and cheering me on and laughing along with me. It was like that in 2012 with the followers of this blog and 2020 with those former friends. I'm still learning, and my 2020 experience reminded me that you should always question be willing to question and think critically about your behavior. "Am I behaving like the person I want to be right now?"

A Note on the Other Mods

I could have tried to track down the other mods and asked them if they wanted to add anything for closure's sake. I didn't because at the end of the day I was the one who made the blog, created the format, and set the tone. While everyone is responsible for their own words, I was a ringleader and the responsibility of this blog should fall on me.

I know Gabe and Cherry also look back on this blog with discomfort at their behavior. I'm sure the other mods do to. We've grown up and can see this was all wrong.

Why Did You Post That You Would Restart the Blog?

For years now I've been trying to think of how to absolve and distance myself of this moral failure of a blog. In 2020 I briefly thought I could give MSFP a redemption arc of positivity and advice. It ended up not feeling right. It felt like a step backward instead of a step forward, or like I was sweeping my wrongs under a rug instead of acknowledging them.

My Future

I wanted to post this so I can finally put this old shame to bed. Admitting to my mistakes cannot undo the damage caused, and I'm not asking for forgiveness from anyone. I wanted to post this retrospective so I can finally feel like I've apologized and acknowledged this regret. I posted a journal on deviantArt back in 2017, I believe, but this needed to be done on the main platform and it needed to be done right. I was not pressured or cancelled. I just want to do this for my own mental peace. I hope people find a lesson in this. It took me years to figure it out for myself.

With love and respect,

- Ace

[ddejavvu]

I have some things I've been thinking about when it comes to the hybrid AU and I wanted to hear your thoughts if you are open to it. But please please feel free to immediately delete this if you don't want to read it. I'm going to say Trigger Warning for SA just to make sure I don't hurt you or anyone else.

Basically ever since you started posting content with a puppy!hybrid reader I've realised how fucked up some things could be in that world when it comes to hybrids and essentially owning people. Because obviously there are no laws against having a relationship or sex with hybrids. So I'm like shit... how many of these poor buggers are "adopted" to essentially become someone's sex slave. Even if they're into it because they love their owner and the owner isn't downright cruel to them. Kind of like a weird Stockholm Syndrome. I feel like it would happen more to the poor females than the males. I'm wondering if maybe shelters have rules or do thorough background checks so people can adopt the female hybrids. I started thinking about it when you said about puppy!reader kissing all over Eddie I was like damn the Eddie I write would be hard immediately and want to fuck her so bad. 😂 But he didn't adopt her to buy himself a girlfriend, he wanted a companion. A pet. I have no doubt Eddie would be down for a relationship if she wanted one. But also, how can you tell what's real when they're going to love you to the moon and back just for saving them.

Anyway do you have any thoughts on that? It's kind of like an ethical dilemma. Also, since I've already added the trigger warning I've been wanting to ask more about puppy!hybrids going into heat or I think you called it a rut for the males? You wrote about puppy!steddie helping each other out during a rut. Do you think they would do the same thing with a female puppy!hybrid reader? Can you get your hybrids desexed? Can you force them on birth control? Do you have to teach them about protection so they don't run around getting each other pregnant? I have so many questions I'm so sorry. I need to know because damn, what I wouldn't give to be Eddie's puppy!hybrid. 🥵

tw for SA as mentioned above // also don't apologize, hybrid aus are something i know a lot about, so feel free to ask anything!

hybrid aus are magical realism, they plop a magical concept into a realistic society. my hybrid au tends to ignore the terrible parts of society that would run even deeper if hybrids were integrated into it, but a lot of people don't, and i'll answer your questions using hybrid au lore that i've come to know over years of reading a lot of different fics.

yes, there is a lot of implied sex slavery within the more developed, realistic systems of hybrid aus, so it's difficult to police sexual attraction from hybrids as it might not always be genuine. and no, a lot of shelters that are portrayed in fics don't do background checks, because they're not pro-hybrid. they abuse their hybrids just as much as the general population does, and it's usually the one nice character that stars in the fic that gives them a better life. i suppose my hybrid au is supposed to be a perfect world, where people aren't that vile. in reality, i know that they would be abused and exploited and assaulted, i just don't like thinking about that (i'm not angry that you asked me, i'm fine to share my knowledge i just don't like writing it into my fics), so i don't write about it either. but in a more developed hybrid au, i would most likely include hesitation surrounding sexual or romantic feelings because of that. i've definitely written longer and more developed hybrid aus for different fandoms, so i'd suggest if you wanted to get a better understanding of the au, you should go to AO3 and look up whatever fandoms you're into!! a lot of creators have a lot of fantastic work there that goes way more into depth than my little word vomits do.

so again in more developed hybrid aus there's lots of explanation around that (maybe i'll write one for steddie, who knows), but basically the general consensus is that there's heat/rut suppressants, that can mask the symptoms of a hybrid's heat/rut. but in most of the fics that include them, they negatively affect the hybrid, with side effects of nausea/vomiting, emotional numbness, decreased appetite, basically it destroys their personality and leaves them a shell of a person. so the mc's choice is then, do i want to harm this hybrid by masking their heat/rut, or do i want to be fucked into oblivion? and in fanfictions, i'm sure you can guess which one is decided upon. and i think in fanfiction protection is just ignored because no one wants to write about condoms, but yes you could put your hybrids on the pill or give them a rubber, it's really up to the author.

[desiderium-if]

What's the inspiration behind the ROs?? 💜

+ someone else asked this as well, but i accidentally deleted your ask, i'm so sorry!! 😭😭

I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS ONE!! LONG POST AHEAD ⚠️

so let's start with Silvan/Silva. @lifesupreme-if already knows about this, but S was actually inspired by my very own best friend which i also have a crush on (we're going to call them K for privacy purposes). obviously some things have been changed and tweaked to fit the story and the character i have in mind better, but their core personality was inspired by them. K and i have known each other for over a year now and we became best friends a few months after we first talked with each other, which is also the time i started to have feelings for them. now, if we do some quick maths (i'm horrible with numbers btw don't count on me if you ever need help with math😭) we'll realize i've had a crush on K for over a year. i know that'd mean i'm in love with them but hahhHahahaHhhHahaha let's not go there😮‍💨 while i acknowledge i genuinely love them, i don't think they feel the same way, so i'm coping by using their wonderful personality for one of my ROs!! the cold and stoic, sarcastic type that doesn't like anyone but has a soft spot for a specific person, the way they remember stuff about other people, they way they care, the way they slowly open up, the way they've never been truly loved properly, the way they always suffer in silence,,, all of these traits found in S's personality were inspired by K. (was this just an excuse for me to talk about my crush best friend??? probably.)

Leona and Clover are the kind of characters i always knew would be in my IF. even before figuring out the entirety of the plot i knew i'd want a strong woman with a sword, and i knew i'd want a mage with white hair. it just made sense to me to have these two characters in the story. to be honest, Clover's character being a RO was pretty much a last minute change. There were supposed to be only four love interests, but Clover was way too perfect to not add them in the mix. they were inspired by this character called Asra from the mobile dating sim The Arcana (which i HIGHLY recommended, it's one of my favorite games/stories ever, i've been obsessed with it for, like, a year now) and they have really similar traits appearance wise. Leona wasn't inspired by anything in particular, except for my love for women with swords😮‍💨 even though i figured out her personality later on, i had her appearance in mind from the very beginning.

River is, well, a guilty pleasure you could say. i've always had a weakness for flirty and charming characters, bonus points if they're a pirate! he's definitely inspired by all the wattpad bad boys i was obsessed with when i was 14😭😭 i think he came from the very hidden depths of my mind and soul that secretly long to be a princess stolen by pirates, then fall in love with their captain (pretty much the first few chapters of desiderium HAHA). The God... okay wow, how do i put this. The God is genuinely everything i love in a RO. i go absolutely feral for non-human love interests, i don't know why. maybe the thought of a god, an immortal — a supernatural in general — LOVING a mere human just does it for me. all the better when they're a complete and utter dumbass that flirts nonstop. they seem somehow harmless at first, but they could, and would, kill you in an instant.

that's about it! i hope i didn't blabber on too much, i'm sure most of the things i said didn't even make much sense😭 but i was just in the mood to talk about my ROs :D hope you all got to know them a bit better!!

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

Please don't answer this if it isn't anonymous. Trigger Warning- Mentions of Online Grooming & Self-Harm & Slight swearing. I'm looking for reassurance since I am highly worried. Perhaps advice as well would be needed. --- Dear individual/s, I have this close and long (online) friend who I'll call Moon (she/they). There's a few things I'd like to mention in regards to them. However, I suppose I might post it in different asks to prevent the post from getting too long (though, this post still is somewhat long). Both her and I are minors (they've just turned 14 while I'm turning 15 later this year) and recently, I've found out that they've been talking to these guys around 17 and 18 to "fix their daddy issues". They're aware these guys are acting weird and are seemingly attempting to groom them. I'm really worried about her. Especially since they don't want to leave the chat nor delete the app of where these chats are in (I'm trying to convince her this). They mentioned that these guys are always online and give her attention.

She mentioned that one can be creepy with love bombs while the other can be shitty if she doesn't respond "the right way" or takes too long to reply. But, according to her, "they can be nice". Which I highly doubt nor believe considering how these damn dudes are willing to groom a minor. Nice, my ass.

This might be..too much, but I ended up making an account of that app she's in just to find her. Though, I failed, since I don't even know the username but I made guesses.

Is that too much? Was it wrong of me to do? I feel like making a whole account just to check on them in that app is...well..creepy..? Bad? Excessive? Should I delete my account, then?

I urge them to delete the app as well since I know there's been past encounters where it was similar and whatnot. I don't remember a good encounter in said app.

Not to mention, but I feel like deleting the app would make it much less tempting to continue or reach out to those guys (or of anyone and everyone similar) again.

How can I convince her to stop talking to those guys? How can I help Moon on this?

I can see that it's so very hard with her and her absent (not a good person) dad.

But I know that there must be much better ways to heal and recover from this instead of talking to potential groomers online. But even then, I'm unsure. Am I right on this or should I just stop pestering Moon on this?

At the moment, I feel like she's ignoring/avoiding me (though, by the time this ask is answered, they've probably replied by then). I'm considering giving them attention as much as possible every day from now on. That'd cover the attention part.

But I also really want to help her be satisfied with their own validation- not anyone else's. Though, that'd be a ton of work for the long run, so the "I'll give them as much attention as I can every day" will have to do for now.

Truth be told, the thought of gushing over them (a way to give attention) makes me feel somewhat uncomfortable but there's a chance I'd no longer be and that it might actually do Moon some good and give them more the reason to no longer to talk to those potential groomers. So I'm willing to do so.

Likewise, I ended up self-harming. At times when I am highly worried about Moon, the best way I cope with this horrible worrying feeling is self-harm.

I'm not looking for advice on this since I'm not planning to discontinue cutting on my thighs as a coping mechanism anytime soon. Mainly just advice on how to help my friend Moon.

I worry an incredibly much about Moon and I just..don't know how to cope with this dread feeling. I've turned to self-harm a lot of times. Worrying about Moon is one of the main reasons I cut.

I see people on TV shows and movies and I wonder, "How do you do it?" Seeing them with close ones in a much more concerning state and yet, they don't look like they're about to break down at all. They take it much more well than I do. I admire it sometimes. Other times, I'm ashamed.

Anyways, yeah.

Moon just responded to me. She supposedly blocked the guys but isn't deleting the app. I'd really prefer them to delete the app but it is what it is.

I don't know if I should believe them, though. I know this is a problem with me. Not believing them often and needing to see proof if they're really honest or not. I wanted to ask her to send a screenshot that they actually blocked the guys; but I avoided it to prevent getting them upset.

So, yeah. Thank you for reading and responding, I hope you take care. Sincerely, Ko.

Hi Ko, 

I understand worrying about your friend, and that’s so valid. But I think it’s important to get to a point where you understand that it’s not your job to save her. You can’t force someone to do something, even if it’s for their safety. 

It’s also not on your to be the sole source of the attention they need. This really sounds like something beyond the capabilities of a friend or loved one. 

I’m not going to give you advice for stopping self-harm, but I do want to link an article I wrote about self-harm (it does talk about stopping so feel free to skip the majority of it, but the part I think is relevant to you is harm reduction. It’s underneath the phrase in italics talking about myths “It’s a choice someone makes that they could stop doing if they wanted to. “) 

I know this isn’t what you wanted to hear, but the truth is that we have to take care of ourselves first in order to even have energy to give others. You should not have to do something that makes you uncomfortable, and having boundaries is completely valid. 

I’m opening this to followers to see if anyone has any advice on how to handle the situation with your friend. 

[iaintyourbro]

The Unknown Journey Continues

Part 1

I know it's been a while... but I've been going down a rabbit hole with @starlight-samurai regarding time loops, Jenova, Minerva, and more fun. So I figured I'd try to put it into one post to get the insanity out of my head. Everything in here is based on things we've found by either going through more obscure Ultimanias, learning more about Dirge of Cerberus and trying to decipher what the hell Jenova is by putting together various sources - including other Square Enix games - and how they handled freakishly similar scenarios.

Did you know there is a companion mobile game for it that was out on the good old flip phones? Did you know there was an online mode in Dirge of Cerberus only available in Japan, but had story elements that were not in the main game?

The sad part is, there's still so much to go through...

(I've also had various discussions with @ourfinalheaven, Manu, who doesn't have Tumblr, so here is her Twitter. and Somebody's Nightmare (here is her Twitter). So I wanted to tag them here, as it's much more fun to discuss these ideas as a group, since it'll only help you build on and strengthen your own ideas.)

Please be aware, there will be Spoilers for FFVII - Almost all Compilation titles, Xenogears, and NieR Automata throughout this.

So let's go on a journey where we explore what actually already exists in the compilation - including the idea of the whispers and timeloops - how Minerva may play into everything, and what exactly Jenova is capable of doing.

I asked Sesi if he'd ever played any of the NieR games, because he'd said something that made me wonder if they were going to take a similar approach. As a very, very quick high level summary: NieR Automata deals with a time loop type of idea. The androids will be rebooted and repeat the same things over and over again. This is broken when 2B is killed by A2 because she becomes infected with a virus. That being said, you have the option after Ending E to either erase all of your data and end the cycle OR you can try again. The Pods have a discussion, and one asks, "But won't they just do the same thing again?" and the other replies with "Maybe. But it could also be different this time."

Here's Sesi's message back to me when I asked him about this (cleaned up a bit since we were having a casual conversation over Discord):

Maybe I could just guess based comparatively on the Dirge storyline, because that was sort of SE's first flirtation with “robots and androids” since they’re all programmed and locked behind like task managers and shit that can shut them down. The story of the online mode for DoC that came out in Japan, we never got to see it, you’re basically an Android OC and you have to get to “the end of the level” and then essentially die, and a new one takes its place. This keeps happening until Weiss is essentially freed from being able to be task managed by the guys who are suppose to be able to control them and I know from tons of years with Square games that they’re verrrrry bad at differentiating their narratives they tend to just keep “ripping themselves off” so is it anything close to that?

Cuz if so I think I kinda know what you’re saying and yeah, I agree, I think with CC bringing in its poetic symbolism and LOVELESS, and DoC bringing back the cyclic nature of the lore, whispers, premonitions and future visions, proto-Materia and the perversion of this next cycle since the planet can no longer cleanse and protect itself and its will is weakening lesser and lesser to the point where it’s fate is “in a true sense of jeopardy This time essentially it’s all tied in together and sort of played as though it's a fated track; a cycle of events and something has hitched it, thus the whispers manifesting and Sephiroth's higher implied control over his destiny. Of course, even all that is just their new red herring game, but it’s definitely a part of the lore they want to play with, in order to go back and reMAKE the OG with the comp inserted from inception. Also gut punch a lot.

Time Loops

I was somewhat surprised to find out that this concept is NOT new to FFVII's universe. It's discussed in Dirge of Cerberus... probably one of the least played and least understood of the compilation. (Trying to sell a third person shooter with terrible controls to a market of mostly people used to turn-based combat wasn't going to go well.)

On top of it, we didn't even get all of it, since online mode was never released outside of Japan, and the Dirge of Cerberus Lost Episode was on Amp'd Mobile and Verizon flip phones back in 2006. Were you around for the cell phones in 2006? I had the ones on the list, and how somebody could play a game on those blows my mind.

Square has a tendency to reuse themes from their other titles. Probably one of the most blatant is the similarities between Xenogears and Final Fantasy VII. They were both being developed at the same time and a lot of ideas that didn't make it into FFVII ended up in Xenogears.

NieR

So how does this work? In NieR (both Replicant and Automata), you play the same path multiple times. Each time, it's slightly different depending on what side quests you did your first and second playthrough, but there's also other subtle differences throughout the story. In Automata, you get to play as 2B your first playthrough and 9S for your second. They follow the same path, but you get it from his perspective the second time and it reveals a bit more of what is going on. However, even with some slight differences, the main plot points stay the same and the ending result it also the same.

Then on your third playthrough, you wake up in the Bunker, and you're getting ready to go on a new mission. This time, though, 2B is killed and shit hits the fan. Things get crazy, you play as a new character: A2. In the end, pretty much everyone "dies", but you can choose to "reboot" and try again. You also can say you are done and let them all rest and delete your save data (the game gives you the option for both Automata and Replicant, and with Replicant, it actually leads to a new ending).

The striking thing for me is... There are certain events that will always happen, no matter what.

Fixed Points in Time

It's been years since I've watched Doctor Who, but there was something that stuck with me, and that was the fixed points in time. You can read about all of them here, but here's the basics:

Now, of course Doctor Who goes into this with much more detail and it's a recurring theme. However, as you read through that page, you'll probably find many aspects that have been used in various JRPGs that you've played. And Doctor Who most likely pulled some of the idea from classic Science Fiction novels. Each story puts its own spin on it.

How does this relate to FFVII Remake? Well, when they say that the major plot points will stay the same, it reminds me of this. No matter what, Cloud must fall into the Sector 5 Church, the Sector 7 Plate must be dropped, Aerith and Zack both must die, and Meteor has to be summoned, to name a few. So, with a time loop, those things would still have to take place in order to prevent a complete collapse of reality (at least in how Doctor Who uses it).

Therefore, the Whispers are ensuring that the Will of the Planet is followed.

One of the major themes in FFVII is that of loss. People die and they do not come back. Yes, other FF games do allow this to happen (FFX, FFXIII, FFXV), but VII is not those games. It was written with that idea in mind, that once a person dies, they, just like in real life, are dead and cannot be brought back.

I've previously written that I think they'll make us believe we are able to change fate, but we will eventually be slammed with the reality that we can't. That is because the planet has determined that certain events are fixed points.

Xenogears

Xenogears takes a bit of a different approach to the loop idea. Instead of repeating the same time period over and over, it has the characters reincarnated, and the same outcome happens each time: Elly dies. However, each time it's different. After all, they're in various time periods, in some cases thousands of years apart.

In all of the lives of Fei (who will have a different name in each time period) and Elly (who is always Elly/Elhaym), Elly will end up dying trying to protect Fei and the others. In one life, she is a religious figure at a totally not Catholic church, in another she's the wife of a scientist who was working to create children from nanomachines due to mass infertility issues. But she is ALWAYS with Fei, even if his name changes.

In her Mother Elhaym time, this is when Lacan (Fei) finally snaps. Though he's not fully aware of his past lives, he becomes aware, the anger consumes him, and he becomes Grahf. Fei is then reborn into the time period you play the game in.

There's a lot to unpack with this, so I won't go into it. Grahf wants to destroy God (Deus) because he thinks if he does, then it'll stop the suffering (his suffering).

If you do want to read more about Grahf, you can do so here, but it probably won't make much sense unless you've played Xenogears up to that point... Since it's much later in the game that this is all explained.

Lacan's desire was to stop the cycle of Elly always sacrificing herself for his sake. Though Grahf is not a perfect existence - he's not fully "The Contact", he sacrifices himself in order to let Fei move forward, and hopefully stop the cycle, by destroying the Deus system. (Elly also tries to sacrifice herself here, but Fei goes after her and stops her.)

Now, some people may think I'm saying that Cloud or somebody is going to do this in order to save Aerith or Zack (or his village or mom), but in FFVII if they do the loop method, I don't think Cloud, Tifa, Barret, and the others are aware of it. Most likely, it's only 'Sephiroth' and Aerith who are aware of it.

How this Could Be used for Final Fantasy VII

I'm stressing could because there's so many different possibilities on how they use this (if they are using this), so please, don't take this as fact. This is based on speculation based on what we know.

A time loop is a great way to explain away the differences in the story that we've seen: Biggs being alive, Wedge living for longer than he should have, etc. Since these are not major plot changes, they can simply say that this time it'll be slightly different... but your fixed points (major plot points) will remain the same.

It's a way to pull in some of the more obscure themes from Dirge of Cerberus and also play with the LOVELESS lore.

It could all simply be a big red herring and it's really just a remake of OG, but with the compilation tied together nicely... since it works much better when it's combined and not in 50 different games, books, movies, etc.

I don't think it's a "sequel" per say, not in the way I generally perceive a sequel. It's more of a loop of the same thing. The question is, when is the loop started and what will cause it to end? When will the planet (if it even is the planet) determine that it's good enough to begin moving forward?

JENOVA, Sephiroth, Genesis, and Minerva - Oh My!

Let's be real... Genesis isn't exactly the most popular character in the FFVII Compilation... but what if they make him one of the most important to the story? //Ducks as various fruits and vegetable are thrown in my direction//

I think what Genesis is probably most known for is his love of LOVELESS. He has the entire thing memorized and randomly says lines from it throughout Crisis Core. LOVELESS lore is still something I'm trying to grasp, so I am not going to comment much on it. Once I understand it more, I'll update this.

...And then this happens. The secret ending for Dirge of Cerberus, where Genesis picks up Weiss. Weiss, who has now been introduced along with Nero in FFVII INTERmission and is an optional ridiculously hard boss in the Shinra battle simulator in chapter 17 of the main story. There is some lore associated with the battle sim - so if you don't plan on beating it or you just can't, you can look up the pre-battle and post-battle cut scenes on YouTube. They're very short, but interesting. (I beat this asshole last night - it's a hell of a fight.)

....To Be Continued because apparently Tumblr won't allow more than 10 images per post now.... Next will be more on JENOVA and Sephiroth along with Minerva.

[dumangelbaby]

Trigger warning for those who need it. I've been getting questions about my former Daddy, and why I don't date anymore. Sometimes I get really sad when I talk about him, and it's okay.

But this is why I don't date anymore. It's long and detailed so please don't read unless you're prepared. Yes, I do now realize how much I went through. No you don't need to treat me like glass because of this. I'm only posting this so that maybe you can understand...

I'm going to Supreme Court with my ex. Almost two years ago, he strangled and raped me while my kids were in our livingroom. We were separated. He'd told me we needed to talk because he accepted a date proposal from a girl at the suprise party I threw him but couldn't be there for, two days previous. I was with him for 5 years; he was a covert malignant narcissist. He was also my Daddy and my boyfriend. I went on the bed and asked what he wanted to talk about. Before I could even blink, he was on top of me, with his hand around my throat.

Normally I would have found this hot. But we were separated. I told him I was sleeping on the couch again. I didn't want to play house anymore. As well, I felt anger and hatred behind his hand. He had his full force and it was hurting the bones just below his hand. I tried to move them but I couldn't. I also couldn't breathe. And I didn't know when he would lift his hand.

"I guess the only way I'm going to get through to you is by fucking you"

I was about to pass out and he readjusted. He gave me orders and said what I'd get later would be worse than what I was about to. He asked if I understood. And in my last daze of grey I nodded as much as I could, before he finally let go. All I could think was, "Am I going to die?", "What if I die with the kids out there?", And "This feels wrong, is he really doing this? No, he couldn't be"

But he was. And I was so scared he's hurt me again I was too scared to say my safeword.

Read that again.

Raspberries.

I turned over and he somehow got his pants down and put my hand on him. He was the hardest I'd ever felt him

And I just cried into my pillow. He finished on my back and told me to get cleaned up to make dinner.

I slipped off the bed, tears streaming down my face. I made myself look at him, wondering if he knew what he did and why he did it.

Then he took the hair on the sides on my face, kissed my nose, and cocked his head... and smirked.

And that look will haunt me for the rest of my life.

Fast forward a couple months later, I unexpectedly meet my next Daddy. He took me by surprise and he was the most lovely human being to me.

We were like twins, outside of the bedroom. And he helped me complete some of my sex bucket list.

There were times were I would have a flashback, and I'd end up on the bathroom floor, bawling, unable to open my eyes to let Daddy see me. He'd gently pick me up and bring me to the bed and rock me. Sing or talk to me, until I could open my eyes, and I stopped heaving.

I was so in love with this man. I loved him from the North to the South to the East to the West. I'd have done almost anything for him.

But I guess he got scared. Or he didn't think he could love me the way I needed. It was sudden, three days before court started. He said he wanted me just as close as friends but also cancelled coming over the day before court to give me a pep talk, acting weird. All he messaged me the day he was supposed to come over was "I know you'll kick his ass". His best friend checked in on me both days of court, when he didn't. I was up on the stand with my stuffie for 5 hours, answering questions that implied I was malicious and set him up with someone I didn't know, because I didn't want to leave.. They tried questioning me about things they weren't legally allowed to. And at the end of the day he asked for recess because he was just getting to the lengthy and rougher part of the questioning. Even the judge was pissed.

His mom tried to get me to drop the charges a year ago, and tried to bribe me without my knowledge by trying to buy my tires being changed.

And then I saw him, and he looked into my eyes...I broke up on that stand, and the security guard had to do breathing exercises with me to calm me down.

When I got home, I blocked and deleted my former Daddy on everything. It hurt too much. He showed up unannounced, could barely talk or look at me and asked for a hug. He could barely speak or look at me. I told him no and not to come back. Later that night I found food sent by him outside. My meds were making it so I couldn't eat and I had lost a lot of weight. I broke down and started crying. I wanted to die that night. I wrote him a letter saying goodbye and gave it to his best friend to give to him. He was with me to listen without judgement. I appreciated it more than he'll ever know.

But. It made me not believe in being in love anymore. I don't ever want to fall in love again. So please, if you message me, do so keeping this in mind. I'm still going to court. Please don't go getting it into your head that that's a challenge you need to attempt and my heart is a prize.