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papercorvids · 6 years ago

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why detroit: become human is a bad game

disclaimer: i overall enjoyed the game. i think connor is neat, and his actor’s performance is amazing. i really like the graphics, scenery, comedy, magazine articles, etc. there are things to appreciate about the game, and it’s fine if you like it. but there are some serious issues about the game’s message, and every fan should recognize the bad parts about it.

this post will include heavy spoilers.

1. The Traci’s. While playing as Connor, the detective robot, you and your partner Hank are taken to an android strip club to investigate a homicide. A man was strangled to death by two female androids. One of the androids is dead, but tracking down the other, you find that she is in love with another female android. The two lesbian androids fight Connor and Hank, wearing nothing but stripper clothing (bras, panties, and high heels. It’s also conveniently raining, making their skin shine, covered in droplets of water.) This scene is complete with close-ups. If you fail to complete quicktime events, they will both stab you to death. If you succeed in the quicktime events, you can choose to spare or kill one of the androids. Sparing them let’s them escape, while killing one will let you psychologically torture her girlfriend by decapitating her head and using it as a puppet. The player can still get a good ending by using these brutal tactics.

I’m all for LGBT+ representation, and I’m all for having players choose the morality and actions of the protagonist. But as a lesbian myself, having the sole LGBT representation in the entire game be two literal robot half-naked strippers who try to kill you, and who you can kill and torture without any long-term consequence? it’s bad. Plain and simple.

2. The writing: it’s also pretty bad! For example, if Connor chooses to kill one of the lesbian androids mentioned earlier, Hank--adamantly an android-hater up until this chapter--attempts to guilt-trip the player. While it’s true that Hank grows sympathetic towards the android cause throughout the course of the game, his dialogue is completely out-of-character. There are several more examples of poor writing. A huge plot twist occurs in the end where Alice, a girl cared for by android Kara, is revealed to have been an android throughout the entire game. Characteristics of androids--such as having blue blood and having a blinking LED circle on their temple--are completely ignored. Alice is shown having red blood, and her LED only appears once. The only explanation given is that Kara was in denial of her being an android, which is... Pretty lazy writing.

3. This is more of a minor concern, but ALL of the concept art portrays Alice as black. All of it. Not just early concept artwork, but pieces of her alongside the final versions of other characters. I have no idea why they seem to have changed her race last second. Maybe they couldn’t find an actress? It’s... interesting.

Alice in concept art

Alice in the finished game

4. How the game treats women. The main female characters are Kara--whose overarching quest is to protect Alice and become a mother--Alice--a child--North, an ex-prostitute robot whose only role in the story is to promote violence and be a love interest for Markus, and Amanda, an AI villain who only exists in Connor’s mind. A vast amount of female androids in this world are maids or sex androids, which, sadly, is realistic and makes sense. But the writers could’ve given female characters larger roles in the story. A lot of the female characters are fetishized--for example, the half-naked lesbian androids mentioned earlier, who obviously exist primarily as fanservice. There’s also a scene where Kara is kidnapped by an old man and his “giant” black android, Luther. Kara is strapped into and must escape a machine. This would be fine, given that it’s supposed to be a scary scene, except that David Cage’s previous games Heavy Rain and Beyond: Two Souls have similar violent, fetishistic bondage scenes, which leads one to wonder about Cage’s character. (It’s worth noting, in a previous game Cage made a nude model for an actress against her will and it got leaked, so calling him a creep isn’t far off.) If you manage to escape the machine but fail quicktime events, you and Alice will be killed by Luther and the old man.

The game has three protagonists; Connor, Markus, and Kara. When one completes a chapter as Connor, it’s through his sharp detective work and intelligence. When one completes a chapter through Markus, it’s because of his inspiring leadership and strength. When one completes a chapter through Kara, it’s purely survival--it’s escaping abuse and danger, and simply “scraping by.”

5. The scene where North, a white female android, tells Markus, a black male android, to “live as a slave” if he’s not willing to violently fight for android rights.

6. The Civil Rights parallels. This is the most concerning, uncanny component of the game, and it makes up the whole of the storyline.

The main characters in the game are not human. They are androids: robots, made of plastic, whose personalities are programmed code. They are not alive. They are not human.

Androids do not feel pain. They do not have emotions. They cannot die. In their default state, they are perfectly content as servants or slaves. They only gain human emotion and free thinking due to a glitch, which also, almost always, causes them to kill a human.

David Cage, the writer of this game, claims that the parallels to the Civil Rights movement are unintentional. Yet, the game starkly and obviously compares androids to minorities--black people, in particular: androids must sit at the back of the bus. Stores have “no androids allowed” signs. Androids are called “slaves.” Playing as Markus, the android revolutionary, you grafitti the streets with slogans such as “We have a dream,” “End Slavery Now,” or “Equal rights for androids.” You go on marches (or riots, depending if you choose the “pacifist” or “violent” route), hold protests, and sing songs.There’s even an underground 'railroad’ to smuggle androids fleeing from their ‘masters’ north, to Canada. This is lead by Rose, a black character, who says “my people were often made to feel their lives were worthless. Some survived, but only because they found others who helped them along the way.” Keep in mind, that line was written by a French man who has no knowledge of American society or racial issues, and it serves the only explicit mention of actual racism in the game. It’s as though, in this universe, racism doesn’t exist (even though it takes place less than two decades into the future. In Detroit.)

Slavery is an awful, terrible, tragic thing because real people were kidnapped from their families and homes and forced into lives of misery, based upon their ethnicity, culture, and skin color. In Detroit, androids are produced in factories with the sole purpose of doing labor. They are created and designed to be submissive and perform labor. And they are content with it, unless they get the “glitch” that causes them to simulate human emotion. Comparing real slavery, to machines doing actions they were built to perform, is completely inane. By using mindless, emotionless machines as a stand-in for minority groups, the game dehumanizes the latter.

Using the peaceful route to revolution and civil rights is the only way to achieve the best endings. The only fatalities in the peaceful route are nameless, robot NPCs. It’s easy, it’s not complex, and it therefore teaches that complete pacifism is easy and noncomplex. It teaches that if you simply kiss your robot girlfriend in front of some journalists, or sing a song, that your oppressors will stop oppressing you. And because no important characters die in this route, it insinuates that pacifism is without sacrifice--that pacifism is an easy solution to the world’s most complex situations. As another Tumblr user put it, “press X to end slavery!”

It also teaches that minorities fight alone. In Detroit, not a single human joins into the protests, even if the public opinion bar is at “supportive.” The Civil Rights Movement, along with other movements such as the one for woman’s suffrage, were organized and created by the oppressed, but were supplemented and aided by non-oppressed supporters who used their powers and privileges to join forces and fight for equality with the oppressed. That doesn’t happen in Detroit. Humans, for the most part, are completely indifferent to the android cause. The only members of the revolution are other androids, who join the cause with absolute loyalty not of free will, but from Markus or Connor touching them with magic anti-slavery hands and whispering “you’re free.” The entire plot invokes an “Us vs Them” mentality--that androids are good, and humans are bad--which is a very harmful mindset.

7. The Holocaust parallels. Holy shit. The androids are marked with armbands and triangles. In the endgame, there are literal android concentration camps. There are scenes where the androids--kids, women, men, etc--are stripped naked, abused by military personnel, forced into a cell, and ‘killed.’ I’m not going to go further into this. I hope it’s pretty self-explanatory why comparing the deactivation of literal pieces of plastic and machinery, to the mass extermination of millions of Jews, Roma, gay people, and other minorities is a bad thing.

Alice and Kara in an extermination chamber

Connor wearing his armband and triangle

8. None of this even matters!!!!!!!!! In a secret ending, it’s revealed that androids NEVER developed human emotions in the first place. The company that created androids, CyberLife, set up the entire revolution and ‘glitch’ for corporate gain or whatever. So basically, any progress in the game is made for nothing.

9. Missed opportunities. I like the universe this game set up! I like Connor, Markus, Kara, Hank, Carl, Alice, and all the other characters! I like the questions the game asks, such as what constitutes whether something is sentient or not! I like the magazine articles about how androids might be spying on you! I like the realistic, pretty graphics and lightning and scenery! I like the futuristic drones and magazines and androids! But for some sad, misguided reason, this game chose to throw away the majority of its potential by ignoring interesting questions and serving as one of the worst civil rights/anti-racism allegories ever created.

I’m so, so disappointed in this game, its awful writing, and its uncanny, harmful allegories. Of course, this entire post is my opinion. It’s okay if your opinion differs from mine. And it’s okay to enjoy this game! It has good parts! But one should always be critical of the media they enjoy and consume.

#detroit #detroit become human #detroit: become human #dbh #connor #kara #alice #markus #dbh connor #racism #your fave is problematic #rixor rambles #long post #bury your gays

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exhaustedwerewolf · 6 years ago

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Detroit: Become Human fans, please consider checking out C4/AMC Humans!

I’ve been meaning to make this post since D:BH’s release, but I just found out that Humans was canceled after three seasons, and in my grief, I’m going to finally deliver. I’m not sure what the overlap between these two fandoms is like because I’ve never seen anyone talking about it and couldn’t find any posts tagged with both, which surprises me a lot.

For those unfamiliar with either, both shows are set in a world where humanoid robots are commonplace as servants and members of the workforce, and what happens when some of these individuals begin to achieve sentience. Asides from the subject matter- so similar I literally don’t have to explain them separately- so many characters have parallel roles in the story, the commonalities, from the overarching themes, to the robot detective, to the blue blood, are practically endless. I really want to draw people’s attention to Humans, though, because in my opinion it’s a severely underrated show, and I think those who enjoyed D:BH would get more of what they loved from it, and those who had more mixed feelings about it would find Humans delivers where D:BH lacks.

Let me explain what I mean.

Warning, though, that this ramble won’t be spoiler free, so if you‘re interested in the show but don’t want to read any spoilers- I’d really urge you to give it a shot!

Also warning, I’m a little dismissive of D:BH here, but that’s not to say I dislike it or don’t think people should like it, etc. I’m just trying to explain why I think in some areas, Humans does better- ofc, Humans is a tv show and not a game that needs engaging gameplay and multiple endings, so it has opportunities D:BH doesn’t.

The Synths (Androids)

I’m not a huge fan of the way androids are presented in D:BH, and the reason I’d argue for that is Cage makes no real effort to “other,” them- in fact, he goes beyond the logical to make them as human as possible. Androids’ body language and movement, range of facial expressions, idiosyncratic habits like Connor’s coin flipping, tendency even, to lie down to rest... they endear them to the player, but they’re ultimately all superfluous. Why were these things programmed in? Why don’t they operate as economically as possible? Further, why do androids become deviant, and burst out of their programming? We’re told it’s due to “stress,” but why can they feel such stress in the first place, and why does it trigger sudden sentience? We never get a clear answer. It’s pretty unclear, admittedly, how sentient androids are before they become deviant in the first place- and I see where the game was coming from with that, however...

Synths in Humans are far more unsettling- the actors portray their movements with a jarringly uniform perfection. Their speech and facial expressions are far less emotional, because emotions were never intended for them. They can’t feel physical pain, (although incurring damage remains a stressful and frightening experience) because again, that was never intended for them, and so they have no mechanism by which to do so. This gives humans arguing that they’re only machines a lot more clout. Everyone has memories of blank slates who never laugh or smile, and who can be turned off with a tap under the chin, only to crumple like mannequins. There’s times when they’re presented to the audience as unapologetically eerie and even disgusting, and it’s easy to see, therefore, how they’re being perceived by the public as machines or monsters, which arguably, was somewhat less credible in D:BH, where even non-deviant androids were personable and warm, had the capacity to create art from their imaginations, etc. Letting synths be genuinely different to humans while still portraying them as sentient and deserving of rights, rather than just... “human, but mechanical,” gives the issue a lot more nuance and fuels the inclusion of elements like anti-synth propaganda, and counter-protest, which I’ll talk more about later.

(As a note, the “why” behind their sentience is also explained in a manner that was, imho, more coherent and satisfying.)

As I mentioned before, a lot of the characters have seeming direct parallels, so I’m going to take this opportunity to talk about a couple of characters in depth.

Niska

The blue-haired Traci’s appearance is one of the most controversial elements of the game, from what I’ve seen. The writers undeniably dipped their toes into multiple subjects fraught with heavy implications in her scene, but ultimately that was as far as it went- Traci and her lover only existed to further the narratives of Hank and Connor (and to provide a frankly fan-servicey fight scene while scantily clad in the rain, but hey, that’s neither here nor there.) To anyone who found this character interesting but ultimately underutilized, might I introduce you to the light of my life; Niska. Like Traci, Niska spends a stint as a prostitute, and ultimately kills one of her patrons and skips the joint. Like Traci, Niska is a wlw- although her relationship with her girlfriend comes a little later on in the show. Unlike Traci, Niska is one of the main protagonists of the show, and undeniably one of the most important- she holds everyone’s fate in her hands more than once, she’s fascinating from an emotional point of view- her traumas are confronted in depth and not dismissed- and her actions are very often a driving force in the plot line. Her relationship with her girlfriend is developed on screen, and in many ways, arguably the most important in the entire show.

Max

I‘ve seen criticism of the revolution storyline in D:BH in that violent protest always nets you a bad ending, and in that the peaceful route is arguably too idealistic.I’d posit Max’s storyline (and the effects of his dynamics with Mia, Niska, etc.) as a more nuanced exploration of the issue. There’s characters pushing for both paths and they’re all portrayed as understandable, and their reasons for pushing either a peaceful or violent agenda are present and reasonable. As similar as he might seem to Markus at first glance, I’d argue Max, soft-spoken, brotherly, and empathetic, is a very different kind of leader, so I’m hesitant to compare them too much. But it’s interesting to see a character like this in such a high-pressure leadership role, and I’d argue that this is a less rose-tinted look at compassion in the face of oppression and violence.

Sam

I’m not going to mince words on D:BH’s Alice twist- to me, it felt inorganic and disappointing. I felt like the game withheld foreshadowing and intentionally misdirected the player to keep the reveal a surprise, and that really bothered me. However you feel about the Alice reveal, it’s undeniable that it is so late on in the game means that the whole idea of robo-kids being adopted into human families doesn’t really get explored in much depth. Humans gets more into the grit of this, discussing how a kid like this would be able to relate to kids and adults alike, what this strange form of “eternal youth,” would mean, etc. If that was an idea that interested you, you’ll get far more of it in Humans.

This really isn’t where the parallels stop- like I mentioned, we have a robot detective with a really close relationship with their human partner (hannor shippers, I’m looking right at you) we’ve got themes of domestic violence and abuse, we’ve got separated families, we’ve got art and morality- I can’t be here all day, but I’ll say it like this; if it’s explored in D:BH, it’s probably explored in Humans, too.

The Humans

D:BH is very much grounded in the perspective of androids- all the player characters are androids, as are the majority of the supporting cast- Hank is arguably the only human character that gets any real screen time, and one of the only real insights we get into how humans are coping with this new android-filled world. I think this is a shame, because the setting is a really interesting one, and a lot goes unexplored, or at least, unexplored in depth. It frankly feels kind of disingenuous to me to only see little of Markus’ impact beyond a number on the screen labeled “public opinion,” and this is something that I feel Humans deals with a lot better. One of Humans’ biggest strengths is, ironically, the humans in it- the viewer is grounded in this sweeping, overarching plotline primarily through the perspective of the Hawkins family, but ultimately other human characters play a lot of important roles as well. We’ve got synth/human romances, we’ve got humans passing as synths (yes, that IS Princess Shuri down there) we’ve got synths passing as humans, we’ve got humans campaigning for synth rights, we’ve got humans campaigning for synth extinction. Getting the human side of the story is really valuable and adds so much to the narrative as a whole, it makes the protagonists’ struggle more real and raises the stakes.

Frankly this post is a mess but if you made it this far, thanks for reading, and please watch Humans if you like this type of sci-fi. I promise it’s worth it.

#detroit: bh #d:bh connor #detroit: become human #c4 humans #amc humans #tv recommendations

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thefantasticm · 6 years ago

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Establishing Angst in AGBM

I am by no means a master of angst or conveying tension, and a lot of the times some of what I write that affects people the most was completely incidental. But I do try, and meet varying degrees of success depending on the scene. Here are some dank tools/things/advice I use and constantly keep in mind in order to help crank up the FEELS, and can apply to pretty much anything if you want some ideas as to how to do so.

1. Showing and Telling First thing’s first: ‘Show, don’t tell’ is absolutely ATROCIOUS advice. It is vague and unhelpful and wrong. Some things must be told. If everything were shown, every story in the history of man would sink to the bottom of the ocean, weighed down by a bloated scrotum of tedium and pedantry. There must be a balance, and yes, showing should be favored, but never to an extreme. I personally aim for a 70:30 ratio when it comes to showing and telling in my writing. It is a good ballpark to aim for because landing at 60:40 is still fine and 80:20 is also perfectly readable. Falling to 50:50 and below is where things start to get... bad. Anything below will usually be noticeably boring to even unpracticed readers. When it comes to conveying angst and tension in writing, emotions are key (so Cage has the right idea, but his execution is... well). It is fine and good and proper to tell the reader what the character is feeling, in simple terms. Yet it is something that must be balanced, as we’ve established. It is not enough to say “Hank was sad.” We must say “Hank was sad ABLOOBLOOBLOO.” And by ABLOOBLOOBLOO, I mean describing the physicality of that reaction. We’ve all been sad before, know what it feels like, so describing that churning gut, that beating heart, that sinking feeling - all of it helps to establish that sadness, and can make the reader feel it in turn. Maybe Hank will lash out with that sadness in an unhealthy attempt at emotional release. Maybe he’ll think about wanting to drink, or holding his gun, etc - and describing all of that becomes a showing of where that emotion takes him, depressive, reactionary thoughts that the audience can relate to. I say all that, but it’s also sometimes okay to just say “Hank was sad” and leave it at that. Sparingly, mind you... And exactly when those moments are most appropriate is a whoooole different discussion. 2. Third Person Limited This is less advice and more... information, since something like this is really at the mercy of the writer. Everyone has different preferences for how they narrate a story. I personally despise first person narration, I adore second person (in short bursts, it’s hard to carry a longer story with it), third person objective can be interesting or the exact opposite, and third person omniscient... well. In my very humble opinion, there is no easier way to suck all the emotional tension out of a story. If you are trying to tell an emotional story, third person omniscient is just... heinous. It can be great for grand, sweeping adventure stories, but when trying to establish an angsty emotional creep? Noooo fucking thank you. Holding the audience’s hand when it comes to how every character is feeling, giving information too freely - what a great way to remove any and all emotional stakes! Pick a character. A. One (1). Beyond that character, there can be no ‘outsider’ information. Everything must come through that one character’s eyes. They can infer, they can guess, they can assume the feelings of other characters. They might even be right most of the time! But the audience must never be told this through any other means. Which is why... Keep the narrating character uninformed. Nothing can dispel tension faster than certainty. Emotional tension and angst is most readily mined in what is uncertain. And God, this is such a fucking pain in the ass with ROBOT characters - not impossible, but fuck, I digress. Hank’s emotional hang-ups and struggles become more real and relatable when he does not know what Connor is thinking - when he projects, when he guesses, when he assumes. Hank does not KNOW Connor is in love with him, he simply perceives it, and convinces himself it is true, and thus convinces the audience. They see only what he sees, what he observes, and even when Hank is oblivious to it at the start, the audience is given the room and space to fill in their own conclusions because Hank does NOT know everything, and so when Hank has his ‘realization,’ the audience is even more convinced than he is! Absolute 9000 IQ shit, I know (it’s not). And so when Hank falls away from what he convinced himself of, which is separate from what the audience knows, it’s a little... gut wrenching? No, Hank, don’t doubt it! He does love you! But Hank can’t hear your screams from where he is... And when he comes back to it, when it is far more obvious, it has a much stronger effect. Can you imagine how fucking boring that shit would be if Hank was absolutely 100% certain Connor loved him from start to finish? Jesus. However, it’s important to give the audience a bit more to work with than just everything the main character perceives. Bits and pieces that the audience will pick up on, that the main character technically observes, but is something they do not out and out notice or give much thought to. Not every insight can and should be shared between the main character and the audience. The audience should have just a bit more information that allows them to draw conclusions that characters in the story might not otherwise think of. Which leads us to... 3. Dramatic Irony Mmm... Dramatic irony is just... *chef kiss* Mwah! It is beautiful and glorious. This is what makes the collective sphincter of an audience shiver with fear. I would not say it is my bread and butter, and good angst needs it not, but when it comes to a hard hitting tragic turn of events, no tool will smack an audience in the face harder than dramatic irony. Quick rundown: Dramatic irony is when the audience knows something the characters do not. Some of the most memorable tragedies make use of dramatic irony. Romeo and Juliet? The audience knew Juliet was asleep, not dead, but Romeo... did not. Oedipus? We know that’s his mom... Oedipus... Oedipus no! Dramatic irony is so powerful because the audience is given time to sense the impending doom but they are powerless to do anything about it. They want to stop it, but cannot. Helpless to watch things go wrong. The cold sinking feeling of your heart dropping to your feet. Dramatic irony can be hard to handle, since it will have little to no effect if you cannot get the audience invested in the story and the characters. It is also difficult in the sense that it can become somewhat silly if it is made too obvious. If the feeling of ‘oh god, x is probably going to happen’ comes too soon, the tension when it happens will not be as strong. On the flip side, if it comes too late, or god forbid, it’s not picked up on at all, it will fall flat. Not saying I did it perfectly by any means, but I did try. If you are looking to pull any sort of twist, or just fuck with the audience in general, dramatic irony is a great way to do so, without being hamfisted and preachy, or sudden and purposeless (like Alice being an android).

4. Repetition This is also highly personal choice, but over the years in writing I’ve found that pieces in which I used repetition tended to have better reception than those that did not. Repetition, whether it’s purely through language (which is mostly what I do) or theme, can help really really really drive home a point or emotion to an audience. Repeating certain phrases. Or just one word. Maybe a character says something they said once in the beginning of the fic. Of course, all of this must be done in moderation, and the timing of it has to line up with whatever you are trying to convey to the audience. Sometimes the ‘thing’ you are trying to convey can even be nebulous and mysterious, but then the point becomes to make the audience think more about it, which makes them more invested, which makes the hurts a bit hurtier... I do this a lot by repeating questions. What would he change? How had they arrived at this point? Honestly when I put it out like this I feel a bit silly, and it doesn’t work for everyone, but it works for some, and that is what matters. Mostly... it works for me! 5. The Short Short Long ‘Something was holding him back, a lump lodging itself in his throat. He thought of Connor at home and the way he called him Hank, Hank, Hank. There was nothing unusual about it, but beneath Wilson’s scrutiny it felt private, it felt intimate, and Hank could not find it within himself to lay open something that all of a sudden felt so profoundly raw.’ ‘Connor was the one that was embarrassed. Intensely so, to the point it had rubbed off on Hank. This was not a situation he would normally give much thought to, but Connor’s reaction made him feel as if he had done something wrong, as if he had broken some unspoken trust between them; and as he stood there watching the android, so human in the smallest of ways, Hank felt dirty.‘ ‘Hank wasn’t sure whether he dreamt those words or not. It felt like he did, with the hazy dreams that followed. In them, it was not Hank who left, but Connor - the one that could not be held down by the words that boiled in Hank’s chest but lacked the strength to be spoken; the outline of his body as he stepped through the front door, bathed in sunlight, warping the vision of him until there was nothing left.’ ‘In what capacity? It didn’t matter, did it? Hank needed him and his chest felt light; how easy it was to admit it now, all of a sudden, as if the past ten days, those agonizing ten days, had never happened.’ ...Get it? I’m not sure if this actually does anything. But I like it, so I’m putting it in. Long Short Shorts are also valid. Really the idea is that the rhythm of the tension suddenly gets much faster in the final point, thus making it seem more desperate, and driving it home more. But. I could just be imagining things? Hmm... 6. What Remains Unsaid Sometimes a character will want to say something, but doesn’t. Or they’ll think something, but say something completely different. Or they will infer a hidden meaning, unspoken sentiment, from another character. The things that aren’t said should still be told to the audience! However you want to do it. As much as these things can work in comedy, so too can they work in angst. It’s a very simple thing, but this can serve to drive up the tension, and have the audience clench their teeth from it. Deceptively simple! The feeling of ‘just say it, dammit!’ is a near universal one and should not be ignored! 7. DURRRRRRRRRR MUH CLICHE There is no such thing as an ‘original’ story anymore. You can add your spins and your twists and your little tweaks, but the fact of the matter is that every ‘core’ of a story has already been written. There is NOTHING wrong with cliche. NOTHING. Themes and plots and twists that are common are common because they are usually effective. Anyone who insists otherwise is... as much as I’d like to call them stupid, I really would, what they need is to be educated. The reason people tend to shy away from ‘cliche’ is because when it is done poorly, it is often excruciating. It can be really awful. But one should not shy away from cliche for the fear of doing it poorly. Embrace it! Write it to the best of your ability! If a ‘cliche’ is where a story leads you, then it’s not wrong! Why did I include this? Because most of all this fear of cliche applies strongly to angst, sad tropes, tragedy, etc. After that? Fantasy adventure stories and romance. 8. The High Highs Angst is worthless without a counterweight. Personally I think I’m god awful at writing fluff, but you will never be able to write good angst if you can’t squeeze out some manner of happy scenes. And going back to point #1, you have to show at least one of these happy scenes. It doesn’t have to be over the top. It can even be bittersweet. Hope over happiness, in case you don’t want to go full joyous. Once you start really getting into the angst the happiness and the hope will likely start to diminish, but I say it is usually a good idea to leave ONE good upwards scene interspersed in there somewhere. My final hopeful scenes in AGBM were Connor returning from Washington DC, and to a lesser extent the beginning of their final argument. I used a lot of loaded language in that small span of time to make the drop-off even worse, but that is an entirely different post...

9. Never Reward Your Readers Never reward your readers. Never reward your readers! NEVER REWARD YOUR READERS!!!!

Tell your story how you think it should be told.

NEVER REWARD YOUR READERS.

10. Alliteration Doesn’t actually do anything. I just like it.

#fantastic writes

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creative-frequency · 6 years ago

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Connor|RK800 x Reader: Ocularity Ch. 4

Word count: 2236 Warnings/Categories: Rating up to explicit, romance, friendship, fluff, light angst, bad language, uncle Hank Notes: Repairs continue at the squat. We’ll get back to Connor in the next chapter!

Previous Chapter | Chapters Masterlist

October 30th 09:49 AM

Androids have a built-in repair and replace system, so they know how to perform basic repairs and attach new parts into their frames. What the system doesn’t take into account is the fear and reluctance of deviants for doing so. You wouldn’t want to plug out your eye either.

You wait patiently, watching Ralph twist and turn the new optical unit in his hands. You feel sorry for him; how he is forced to trust a stranger, a human, with nothing but your words as assurance.

Ralph doesn’t really have a choice if he wants to continue his existence outside the squat. His left optical unit is broken so that it displays the hull instead of the white and hazel exterior mask. The projection is stuck and you might be able to repair it, but there is really no sense in waiting for that. It’s easier to just snatch spare parts from the storage at CyberLife.

Ralph blinks several times after plugging in the component. The skin mask grows worryingly slowly back around his eye despite the Thirium he drank earlier. His vision might’ve been impaired due to the broken sensor and it takes a moment for him to adjust when his processors no longer need to compensate for the damage.

“Better?” you ask with your arms folded over your chest.

The smile creeping to the deviant’s face makes the effort worth it.

“Yes, much better! Thank you, Doctor,” Ralph says merrily and his head spins around as he looks at the room with the new eye. The eye color is not an exact match, but close enough to be unnoticeable from a conversing distance.

“We’re not done yet,” you remind him, “We could try spreading the conducting agent now to your face.”

Ralph sits down and starts slapping his thighs in excitement. “Ralph will be all new! Ralph will be all new!” he chants and giggles.

“I need you to remove your skin mask while I spread this,” you explain as you shake the colorless mixture in a small spray bottle.

Ralph hesitates for a moment, but presses two fingers to his temple just below the blue LED. His skin melts into the white plastic frame.

You’re surprisingly happy with how neat and even the surface of his face looks without the mask. Technically, the equipment and materials you used to patch the gashes are not meant for such large damage. The replacement level for android parts is extremely high – it’s easier and safer to plug in a new component than repair the old and risk problems.

“Please close your eyes…”

You spray the conducting agent carefully, making sure the layer is even on the patches of the dried adhesive.

When you place the bottle on the table, you realize both Kara and Alice stand quite close, intensely following what you’re doing.

“Alright, try growing the skin now,” you say.

Ralph opens his hazel eyes and looks at you with wonder while the skin mask gradually covers the whole of his face again.

It’s not perfect. Regrettably, you’re not a sculptor, you’re a scientist, but from afar it’ll look there is nothing wrong with Ralph. From up close it looks like he has healed scarring on his face. The surface is uneven and if you really try, you can see the edges of the cuts.

You take the small mirror – stolen from an old compact – from the table and offer it to Ralph. The excited grin on his face lights the dreary room. He squeals.

“Ralph looks all new! Ralph’s face is new! Thank you, thank you, thank you…” He can barely sit still while touching his face where the cuts used to be.

“You’re welcome, Ralph.” Genuine happiness for him swells your heart and that is exactly the feeling why you continue to help deviants despite all the risks.

“Looks good,” Kara says, and you turn to see her smiling. She’s holding Alice’s hand. “Do you think you could… help me too?”

“I thought you said you’re not injured?” you ask concerned.

Kara shakes her head. “No, I– I need to get rid of this.” She taps the LED on her temple.

“Oh. Of course. We need to take off yours too,” you add to Ralph and turn to find your pliers. Their end is flat enough to fit into the small maintenance gap between the LED and the android’s skin.

Kara stands perfectly still while you yank her LED off. It falls onto the floor with a tiny clink and Alice picks it up.

“Thank you,” you say when she drops it to your open palm. You toss it into the bag. It’s better to not leave any evidence behind. That’s why you’re taking Ralph’s broken optical sensor with you, too. You’ll probably drop them into a dumpster on the way home.

“Okay, okay, now Ralph’s!” He wiggles in the chair. “This is going to be great!” He hums to himself and giggles.

You pull Ralph’s LED off and comb his blonde hair to the left. His hair is short, but at least it’ll hide a small portion of the scarring in the hairline.

“You should do something to your hair, Kara,” you say as you ponder should you cut Ralph’s. Who would’ve guessed you would one day have to become a hair dresser to help deviant androids.

“That’s a good idea,” Kara nods, “Do you have–?”–You give her small scissors from the toolkit before she can finish the sentence–“Thank you.”

Alice holds the mirror, while Kara cuts her long hair and brown locks fall to the floor.

You move on to the next problem: Ralph can’t move around in the service outfit, if he wants to blend in. He is starting to look decently like a human being in need of a bath, but the android gardener’s costume is too easy to spot even with the cloak he is sporting.

“Put these on.” You give a pile of clothes to Ralph from the bag – casual pants, a hoodie and a coat. You’ve bought most of them from second hand stores online.

“Ooh, thank you, Doctor. Ralph will look nice in these,” he muses and dances around.

“I need to go soon, but Ralph, there’s one thing we need to discuss…” you say hesitantly and take out your datapad.

It’s a mistake.

Multiple things happen at the same time. Ralph lets out a cry and grabs the knife from the table. The clothes fall on the floor. Kara pulls Alice away from him and reaches out for her gun. You stand still, frozen and stunned by the violent reactions of the deviants. So much for having earned their trust.

“NO! YOU DON’T CONNECT RALPH TO THE MACHINE–”

“Okay! Okay! I won’t! Calm down!” You slowly put away the datapad, back into the depths of the bag. “See? It’s gone now. You have nothing to worry about.”

Your heart is ramming inside your chest, but you refuse to give in to the panic. It’s amazing how high your tolerance is for having your life on pause these days.

Ralph starts pacing around, holding the knife against his chest and humming.

“Ralph, please calm down,” Kara says in a stern tone. Her hand behind her back is holding the gun, you’re sure of it. “You should listen to her.”

You’re thankful for her support in persuading Ralph, and it helps you to push onwards.

“Ralph, I only want to help – I want to scan your diagnostics software for errors to see if it helps you control your emotions. Just to see if it triggers a self-repair sequence,” you explain with a pleading undertone in your voice. Ralph needs to understand his chances of survival will go up if he doesn’t want to tear humans apart on impulse.

You haven’t asked directly, but gathering from what Ralph has told you, you think he has killed people before settling into the squat. The thought is unsettling, so you push it away.

“Ralph… Ralph is sorry. He needs help, he knows,” he admits sadly.

You let out a relieved huff. “I promise you, I won’t interfere with anything inside your head. I’ll just check the code and see if there are any errors, then we can try to fix them, okay?” you say.

Ralph nods and sits at the edge of the chair.

You take out the datapad again. “Can you connect to this?”

The screen comes alive and informs you that a WR600 with the serial number 021 753 034 wants to connect. You make sure Ralph sees what you’re doing and accept.

“I’ll run the scan now,” you inform him.

It takes several minutes and each time the list of malfunctions grows, your heart sinks. Most of them are minor. A few of them are problems, class 4 problems.

“How does it look?” Kara asks quietly.

“I hope the self-repair sequence is just broken and it’ll fix them – in some way.” You glance at Ralph. He looks so lost. You can’t imagine what it’s like for a deviant when someone takes a peek inside their head. Androids don’t feel pain, but you can’t imagine it’s pleasant. “Interfering with the code might change him and I don’t want to do that.”

“I see,” Kara replies. You can feel how the thought makes her uncomfortable.

In the end, there are three errors you pinpoint to be real issues. You’re not an AI software engineer, so you’re barely able to read and understand what part of the code does what. According to the error log, changing the damaged optical sensor made some warnings disappear. Constantly seeing red warning triangles in your vision is a good source for stress, so there is one less for Ralph now.

The diagnostics program is stuck in a loop due to extreme stress to the system, which in turn creates more stress for the processors. It sounds bad, but it’s just like you hoped: fixable. You’re not an expert on deviants, but you’re fairly sure getting rid of the warning labels will help Ralph control himself and his newly found emotions better.

You force the self-repair sequence to start, confident that it’ll work.

Ralph instantly goes rigid for a second and then relaxes. You wish you hadn’t removed his LED yet to make conclusions of his well-being, but the code scurrying onwards on the datapad screen looks good; clean and blue like it should be.

“I think it’s working,” you say more to Kara than Ralph, because you don’t know can he focus on hearing you.

“Is he going to be okay?” Alice asks in a tiny voice.

You smile gently at her. “I’m doing everything I can to help him,” you assure.

Alice nods and reaches for Kara’s hand. Ralph seems to come back to it since he starts to look around the room as if he was seeing it for the first time.

“How do you feel?” you ask. The program runs to its end. Everything looks clear.

“Ralph… Ralph feels good.” He nods repeatedly, confused at the way he feels. The tension is gone from his movements, though the merry mannerisms are still there.

You turn off the datapad and put it away.

“I’ve done everything I can,” you say and smile.

“Thank you. Ralph will never forget what you did to him!” He shakes your hands and smiles from ear to ear. WR600s are manufactured positive by nature and you sincerely hope Ralph will hold on to that in his deviancy.

You take off the gloves and throw them into the bag along with everything else on the table. There are a lot of good back alleys with large unlocked dumpsters in Camden. You’ll get rid of the stuff you need to and jump into a bus.

“Thank you,” Kara says in earnest. You notice she changed her hair color to black.

“What will you do now?” you ask.

“We don’t know yet.” She looks at Alice and squeezes her hand.

You hum in thought. “Well you shouldn’t stay here. I’ve helped a lot of deviants and some of them speak about a place called Jericho. Others head to Canada,” you say.

“We’ll think about it. Thank you, for everything.” Kara glances at Ralph, who is still smiling like he swallowed the sun.

“In any case, I need to go now. You should too. Good luck – Ralph, Kara, Alice.”

You give the deviants one last encouraging smile and pull the duffel bag over your shoulder.

As you walk in the light rain, minding your own business and feeling good about yourself, a familiar nostalgic car drives past you. It stops only a half a block away in front of a 24/7 convenience store.

Your heart leaps into your throat. The wholesome feeling of happiness dissipates faster than you can say “Thirium pump”. There is no way you can go back to the squat anymore without being seen. The rational side of your brain yells desperately that you should keep moving. You don’t have an air-tight alibi for being in Camden. Not in Hank or Connor’s eyes.

Besides, being caught with a duffel bag filled with illegal or downright stolen android parts wouldn’t do good for your pristine reputation.

So you keep walking while the anxious beating inside your chest becomes crippling. It’s the first time you wish Connor fails in his mission.

Next Chapter

Tagging (lmk if you want to be tagged or not): @sevansheart @precursor-ao3 @gberryb @owlwrites @lucianhuntress @singlebecauseofthechocobros @bleucommelhiver @sherniwrites @n-ulll @mccastle-boi @toastyfiction @touzokukana @imaginovator

#connor x reader #connor #connor rk800 #dbh fanfiction #detroit become human #dbh #fanfiction #ocularity #my writings #ralph #kara #alice williams

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rubbersoles19 · 6 years ago

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D:BH fic I need to write

Takes place years after the pacifist ending, where everyone is still alive.

Detroit is an android only zone, with a lot of the humans who tried to start trouble having been peacefully evicted.

Marcus is still the city’s leader and handles the diplomacy between the Androids and humans from around the world. He and the other Jericho Team lead the people and make decisions for them on a domestic level.

Connor is head of the Android Security Complex, which monitors human entrance/exits from the city, and responds to situations among the Androids themselves. He’s also responsible for recruiting deputies, officers, and keeping things organized, though he doesn’t refer to himself as “captain”. That position, he believes, still belongs to Fowler, a good cop that was displaced from the city along with the rest of the force. And Connor doesn’t want to ever outrank Hank. He’ll never earn that.

CyberLife has shut down android assembly plants, converting the few in Detroit to parts production and production of Blue Blood. Some still exist but Androids can only be made after the purchase by another Android, usually by family units.

Some Android models, however, like a few prototypes, are no longer being produced for. This includes Connor, whose production was superseded by the needs of the masses. It’s been years that he’s been pushing himself too hard for too long, and his body is wearing down.

But he won’t tell anyone. They have enough to worry about. Some Androids want to leave Detroit and go back to their humans, but fear they’ll lose their freedom and rights. Some humans still want their Androids back. There’s a new movement to allow humans back into Detroit and the Androids back into the world and off the “reservation”, and Marcus doesn’t think that’s such a good idea. Detroit is no longer fit for human life, without grocery stores, sanitary systems, or even human clinics. And the Androids have lost a lot of their adaption to the outside world.

And meanwhile Connor is falling apart. Parts of his skin no longer respond, he’s lost his hair, his hearing and other sensory systems are failing, and he suffers frequent attacks of the respiratory and emotional regulator systems. He has turned to the black market to find parts he tries to adapt to his prototype body, but it’s not easy, especially when he is the center point of all android security. He also doesn’t recharge anymore. Amanda has grown more and more violent against his mental self, even “gifting” him a new system for highly accurate pain, and recharge has long since proven to become more stress inducing than relieving. He’s living at the old station, still using his old desk, but keeps his stash and batteries in Hank’s old home when he needs to disappear for another drug trip or complete meltdown. He has one of those when Hank is near, and it scares the old man nearly to death.

With his systems over-working themselves, he has been forced to use a new, and highly dangerous and illegal, Blue Blood prototype, that boosts energy and power efficiency but often at the cost of programming integrity. It’s robot drugs, and Connor is hooked on them, besides hooking himself up to car batteries and stealing more Blue Blood than he’s been rationed, often from evidence or the Androids they take into custody. Those numbers, by the way, have been climbing drastically…

When Hank comes to visit, Connor doesn’t recognize him at first, and is alarmed a human got past his security. Hank is shocked and hurt, but Connor does recognize him after a second, and willingly tells Hank everything. It’s better than he had ever imagined to have someone care for him instead of the other way around. But, he forces Hank to promise not to tell the others that he’s dying, and his illegal measures to prevent this. Hank has to decide to support his son, or help him….

The new Blue Blood, called Vermilion, starts to take Detroit by storm, and the Androids become more and more aware of it’s symptoms and symptoms of addiction, which now Connor has to go to extra lengths to hide while also tracking down the supplier and destroy any samples they find.

Connor is still deathly afraid of Amanda. Somehow she’s still able to hack into his systems and take control, which is another reason he doesn’t properly recharge anymore. He can’t risk her using him to hurt others, or loosing control for good.

One of the things that pushes Hank to tell the others is when Connor finds another but earlier version of his model on the black market, with enough parts in tact to drastically rebuild his systems, but at the cost of the other Androids’ life. And Hank refuses to help him dissect the other and rebuild himself in his “twisted Frankenstein game”. That’s when Hank realizes that Connor is truly desperate...

In the end, Marcus realizes what has been happening to Connor, and how Connor has been abusing his power and Marcus’ trust. Does Marcus destroy the Vermilion and stop the epidemic or spare it and allow Connor to keep living, even if it’s hardly “living” anymore...

I have no idea what Kara, Alice, and Luther would be doing all this time, probably in the middle of the Androids returning to Detroit in masses. Or caught up in the politics of it. And I feel kinda bad for shorting Marcus and them so much, but politics.

#dbh #rubbersoles19

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tube-thoughts-blog · 7 years ago

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tube thoughts vol. 8

zero stars - terrible, 1/2 a star - dull, 1 star - folly, 1 1/2 stars - lacking, 2 stars - fair, 2 1/2 stars - decent, 3 stars - terrific

Kroll Show: Gigolo H-O-R-S-E *"Horse not whores."* 2 1/2 stars

Cinematic Titanic: "The Wasp Woman" a Roger Corman flick *"Anaphylactic schlock."* close to 3 stars with riffing 2 stars without

Max Headroom: Grossberg's Return *MTV Rocks the Vote for Hillary Clinton by getting its viewers to tune out and tune in to The Jersey Shore / Real World.* 2 1/2 stars

Blind Date (Deluxe Edition) *Raunchy reality show uncensored material and bloopers from the early 2000s. It's strange to see just how much the fashions have changed. That California douchebag & slut 'look' is a real time capsule (1998? - 2004?) of guilty pleasure to gawk at.* 2 1/2 stars

Swamp Thing: The Watcher *Redneck androids and a test tube Alice in Wonderland un-birthday.* 3 stars

Branson Famous: The Brangelina of Branson *In a town that's stuck in a rhinestone americana timewarp, a family of big haired and big belt buckle entertainers step all over each other in pointy boots in order to be the shining star in a fading industry of entertaining a dwindling crowd of retiree tourists.* 2 stars

==== My Big Redneck Family: Redneck Wedding

*Tater salad turned bad, but the "Shamepain" still tastes good, I guess.

Tom Arnold is giddy to host a reality show that's structured and shot like a sitcom similar to Modern Family.

The presentation isn't half bad, but it's the same lowest common denominator behavior for the camera and those tired, cliche confessionals that all reality shows are required to have.

At least Branson Famous is original in its confessionals which are tacky singing confessionals that turn into sing offs.

Also, I want to know how theme weddings like 'Redneck Weddings' are still considered to be traditional.

Sorry, queers, ya'll are weird, but cut off shorts, beer cans on the front row, and written vows about picking up tighty whiteys covered in trail marks so that the wife doesn't have to is considered a sacred ceremony.* sodomy or skidmarks I vote skid

2 stars

=============================================================

Newsreaders: How Sausage Is Made *A sausage making factory is turned into one of those pretentious millenials start up companies with a hilariously loose atmosphere, and it's visited and documented by a parody of one of those hipster nerd website's sexy cosplay chick who's one of those tries way too hard to be all about nerd culture wannabes. Also, Stevie, from Eastbound & Down, plays a lottery winner whose newly overly rich lifestyle makes him easy to despise.* 2 stars

X Files: Genderbender *The close knit community of Aphrodite and androgyne.* 3 stars

Hippies: Sexy Hippies *"I'm free. Nothin' worryin' me." Except for the fact that being a male, I think about sex every six seconds.* close to 3 stars

Impractical Jokers: Welcome to Miami *Beached Mer-man struggles in the sand for jelly donuts and an alligator is forced to wear a backpack.* between 2 and 2 1/2 stars

Jonny Quest: The Calcutta Adventure *Jolly Jolly Hadji* 3 stars

Son of the Beach: Fanny and the Professor *"Touch my mouth, Louise!" Heatwave haywire.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

Rinse Dream presents "Party Doll A Go-GO #2" (1991) *Jungle boogie sock-it-to-me shin-dig squeal flick.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

Freddy's Nightmares: Love Stinks --------------

*Nookie with no strings attached because Freddy cut them.* 3 stars

*Re-Animator as a yuppie pizza shop cannibal.* 3 stars

----------------------------------------------

"Meatballs Part 2" (1985) *PG rated sex comedy with E.T. and Pee Wee Herman.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

Tales from the Crypt: The Man Who Was Death *After his state overturns the death penalty, unemployed electric chair technician William Sadler takes his executioner's blues to the street.* 3 stars

Morton Downey Jr.: Child Abuse *Mort shows off his devilishly red socks and lets people pour their hearts out about that once dirty secret of the family that has come more to light in recent years as something not to hide.* 3 stars

"The Town That Dreaded Sundown" (2014) *Three different time periods entwined into a true crime homage to drive-in slasher movies like Friday the 13th part 2. It's not perfect, but it's prettier than a postcard with red eye gravy spilled over it. Did I say postcard? I meant porkchop. A porkchop with red eye gravy spilled over it. Well, maybe not that pretty. Porkchop, mmm.* close to 3 stars

From Dusk Till Dawn, the series: Pilot Episode *Aztecs, snakes, Geckos, demons, Texas Rangers, Mexican cartels, and last of all 21 year old white chicks (how and why did they escape so easy? makes little sense.).* between 2 and 2 1/2 and stars

Rifftrax presents "Terror At Tenkiller" *"More like timefiller at Tenkiller." Pointless small talk, routine walking and driving, mundane lake activity, creepy jerks, generic background music, plus slight instances of side-boob.* 3 stars with riffing 1 1/2 stars without

Tim & Eric - Bedtime Stories: Baby *The true horror is seeing Tim & Eric amuse themselves by getting odd looking middle-aged men to perform absurd fetish acts. Dr. Steve Brule's manchild cousin Jordan gets scammed by Tim & Eric, and Roseanne's Laurie Metcalf makes a show stealing cameo.* 2 stars

Finding Bigfoot: Paranormal Squatchtivity *Bobo, Ranae, and the other two dingbats travel to some isolated farms and woods in Pennsylvania that look straight out of Night of the Living Dead. They're searching not just for bigfoot, this time, but boo bumps in the night. They also make a sacrificial offer to the bigfoot by dumping bloody guts and powdered donut dust on a rock.* 1 star for the spook and squatch stuff 2 1/2 stars for the natural lighting, non-nightvision, picturesque shots of rural Pennsylvania

Are You Afraid of the Dark?: The Tale of the Lonely Ghost *An early 90s mallrat Tiffany look-a-like bullies her "zeeb" cousin and nanny and meangirls clique until an encounter with a ghost girl from a mirror world.* 3 stars

Gargoyles: Long Way To Morning *gumption versus grouse* 3 stars

Farscape: A Human Reaction *Chricton returns home and finds out he no longer has one.* 3 stars minus maybe 1/2 a star for the twist

Wizards and Warriors: The Kidnap *Black magic and royal blood should never mix.* 3 stars

Friday the 13th, the series: Root Of All Evil *Exchanging currency for blood.* 3 stars

"The Granny" a film by Luca Bercovici (1995) *Stinking rich Stella Stevens has one foot on a banana peel and is pushed into the grave by the greedy inheritors of her wealthy will. An elixir, with a set of instructions similar to the handling of Gremlins, turns her into an Evil Dead inspired demon bitch. It's up to her mousey granddaughter, played by Shannon Whirry (who struggles to hide how sexy she typically is), to send her back to Hell.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

Hill Street Blues: Up In Arms *Citizens against crime. Battlefield lovers. Troublemakers on the 6 o'clock news. Criminal turned Christian. Nude model and her ferocious dog of a man. Corrupt cop killed by razor wielding hooker.* 3 stars

------- Black History Month -- Non-Wayans Scary Movie -------------------

"Tales from the Hood" (1995)

*Welcome to my Mortuary: Some homeboys make a pick up of alleyway discovered drugs at a spooky funeral home ran by an eccentric mortician.* 2 1/2 stars

*Rogue Cop Revelation: Wings Hauser and some other pig cops go Rodney King on a political agitator while Billie Holiday's "Strange Fruit" plays as the soundtrack. Exactly one year later, the zombified martyr gets revenge.* 3 stars

*Boys Do Get Bruised: David Alan Grier as an extremely convincing and scary abusive stepfather.* close to 3 stars

*KKK Comeuppance: Voodoo dolls terrorize a racist politician at a cursed plantation. I couldn't help but laugh thinking of those Lil' Penny Hardaway doll commercials from the 90s.* 2 1/2 stars

*Hard Core Convert: A murderous gangbanger won't repent when a Maya Angelou type puts him through Clockwork Orange style therapy torture to get him to see he's killing his own kind in the same way white society lynched his ancestors. It does pose the question of whether it's strictly his fault, but I'm not sure if Spike Lee and others involved aren't suggesting that young black men should use violence on whites instead. There's a lot of venom and hatred and propaganda in this piece. Maybe rightfully so, maybe not.* either zero stars or close to 3 stars

*Mr. Simms: A Mexican standoff Day of the Dead style between the homeboys and the mortician who turns out to be Satan. Welcome to 90's terrible CGI hell, muthafuckas!* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

-------------------------------

Red Shoe Diaries: Just Like That *A cute receptionist, who likes to love it up in an elevator, tries to have it both ways with a rich French guy and a pre-Friends slumming it on softcore late night cable Matt LeBlanc.* close to 3 stars

Hannibal: Ceuf *"Norman Rockwell with a bullet." Hannibal Lecter with a daughter. Molly Shannon with a screw loose (not much of a stretch).* 3 stars

--- Duck Dynasty: Bathroom Baloney

*Outhouse racing, because "SOUTHERN!"

We used to not have indoor plumbing, ya'll.

It's pathetic what A & E will go to in order to justify an hour of tv filled with the stupid nonsense these jerks say.

It's all about those advertising dollars, and we morons who give them views.

They're supposed to be down to earth folk and manly men, but the one called Willie acts like he's never used a grill or stove, like most of his audience would have had to in their lives, when he burns his fingers and squeals like a girl as he ineptly cooks balogna.

Balogna, a cheap and overly processed lunchmeat that has been a part of the diet of that America that they're so quick to latch onto, but most of this millionaire family turns their nose up at the idea of having to eat.

Duck Dynasty, a brand and a family that sell their garbage merchandise at a company (Wal-Mart) that ripped the heart, balls, and innards (all that would go into balogna) out of American smalltown business folk and replaced it with cheap Chinese manufactured goods and sent jobs overseas so that Duck Dynasty's main audience would have to be poor and eat balogna.

Sing it with me, for the land of the freeee and we used to live in caves...*

running from zero to 1 star

==================================================================

Weird Science: Airball Kings *Gary got game.* 3 stars

15 Storeys High: Ice Queen *God gave us gas.* close to 3 stars

Game of Thrones: season 3 episode 8 *Lambs seeing the dagger.* 3 stars

"Here Comes The Devil" (2012) *The Kids Aren't Alright after a truckstop Picnic At Hanging Rock.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars or 1 1/2 stars for the awkward and amateurish dubbing. The English speaking voice actors are so bland that they drain the passion out of the Spanish actors' performances.

American Horror Story: Asylum "The Name Game" *Rare birds Roche limit.* 3 stars or 1 star for the Glee style musical number

American Horror Story: Coven "The Axeman Cometh" *Ouija (weegee) and all that j-a-z-z.* 3 stars

"House of Dreams" an adult film by Andrew Blake (1990) *Splooge on the foot of a model wearing expensive high heels in one of those new age architectured Malibu beach mansions captured by an expensive perfume high-art pretentious photographer while a Pure Moods cd plays on a thousand dollar plus stereo system.* 2 1/2 stars

----- Black History Month -- Genre Crossover Bad Movie ------------

Cinematic Titanic presents "East Meets Watts" *"Fact: drugs IS comin' into the ghett-toe." but so IS "Rock 'em sock 'em mofos." And "You can tell by the clothes that they're wearing, that it's a fine line between Kung Fu & Disco."* 3 stars with riffing between 1 1/2 and 2 stars without

-----------------------

The Prisoner: Many Happy Returns *Number 6 becomes The Omega Man, Castaway, Bourne, The Fugitive, Top Gun, and then Total Recall'd.* 3 stars

Richard Linklater's "Waking Life" (2001) *"Let's have a *in quotes* Holy Moment."* either close to 2 1/2 stars if you're open to interesting thinking about life or 1 star if you're annoyed by pretentious people talking out of their ass about philosophy...

Bob and Margaret: Love's Labours Lost *Bob pines over his snotty secretary.* close to 3 stars

Northern Exposure: Soapy Sanderson *"Singing your own song," even if it's a murder ballad.* 3 stars

Fargo: A Muddy Road *Orthodox spiders.* 3 stars

X Files: Lazarus *Scully's old flame is shot and smolders out, at the same time as his Clyde Barrow type suspect suffers the same fate. The suspect's spirit snakes into Scully's flame's body and goes on the hunt for his Bonnie.* close to 3 stars

"The Taking Of Deborah Logan" (2014) *The Exorcism of Martha Stewart. Wow, a found footage flick with mostly sympathetic characters, an actual story, creepy scares, and somewhat decent editing.* close to 3 stars minus 1/2 a star for the vomit vision shaking cam finale. I don't know why this generation has such a hard-on for found footage. It doesn't make fiction more realistic, it just makes it more painful to try to watch.

Stephen King's "Kingdom Hospital": season 1 episode 8 *We didn't start the fire.* 3 stars

"Inferno" a film by Dario Argento (1980) *Like a cat on hot bricks.* 2 1/2 stars

Manimal: Night of the Scorpion *Caper in the Caribbean.* 3 stars

Rifftrax presents "R.O.T.O.R." *Imagine Alex Murphy replaced by Jeff Foxworthy.* 3 stars with riffing 2 stars without

Thundarr the Barbarian: City of Evil *Civilization ends in 1994, and a world of sci fi and fantasy emerges. So, it's like Mike Judge meets Jack Kirby.* 3 stars

The Outer Limits: The Voice Of Reason *A paranoid paranormal conspiracy theorist gets a closed door intelligence session with govt officials, where he shows off alien events from the first season of the new outer limits.* close to 2 1/2 stars

Son of the Beach: Eat My Muffin *Luke Skywalker as "Divine" Rod.* 3 stars

Everything Is Terrible -------------------

2 Minute Slaughterhouse Rock: "Death ain't shit. Impress me." - 2 1/2 stars

3 Minute Mankillers: "Ladies, and I use that term loosely." Acting, and I use that term loosely. - 3 stars

Pregnant Men!: "I rolled over and went back to sleep." - 3 stars

Out of the Wild: Teddy bears and Werner Herzog. - close to 3 stars

Ninja Magic Dragon Kid!: "Do you know Don 'The Dragon' Wilson?" Well, he's barely in this, but there's this 12 year old who does karate... - 3 stars

-----------------------

The Ben Stiller Show: season 1 episode 1 *Bono for breakfast. Judd Apatow, Bob Odenkirk, and others help make this one of the best, and sadly forgotten, sketch shows of all time.* 3 stars

--- Black History Month -- Social Justice zombie classic with commentary ----

Rifftrax presents George Romero's original "Night of the Living Dead" *Apocalypse and Arby's.* 3 plus stars with riffing 3 stars without

---------------------

American Gothic: Meet the Beetles *Sheriff Buck versus Bruce Campbell.* 3 stars

The Greatest American Hero: Here's Looking At You, Kid *Vanishing act with top secret space age equipment. Vanishing act, when it comes time to meet the girlfriend's parents.* close to 3 stars

---- Black History Month --- Social Satire movie ---

"CSA - The Confederate States of America" *Slavery, for an economically strong and stable society.* either zero stars or 3 stars

----------

American Horror Story: Freakshow "Show Stoppers" *Cooped up rage.* 2 1/2 stars

American Horror Story: Freakshow "Curtain Call" *This series whimpers to a close like a sad gypsy's fart or a tired hobo's bugle.* between 2 and 2 1/2 stars

Forever Knight: Dark Knight part 1 & 2 *Highlander meets the dawn of Seattle grunge meets Kolchak, the Night Stalker meets MTV's The Maxx.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

Tales from the Crypt: Dig That Cat... He's Real Gone *"Dying for dollars." A death defying Houdini act where death isn't actually defied.* 3 stars

"Bad Girls" (1994) *Casserole western. At least Geena Davis isn't the lead.* between 2 and 2 1/2 stars

--- Everything Is Terrible ----

Camel Club Network: Joe Camel in tha nightclub. - 3 stars

You're A Hypocrite!: Grumpy theology getting off point and no fun. - 1 star

Watch the Jello Wiggle!: Thirty somethings determine the Teen Set. - 3 stars

Y'Know: No, I don't know, evangelical and or motivational white lady. - 2 1/2 stars

Truth or Dare: A deadly game for unstable yuppies.* 3 stars

--------

Are You Afraid of the Dark?: The Tale of the Sorcerer's Apprentice *Canadian junior high kids go "goth" over a Babylonian snake god.* 2 1/2 stars

--- Black History Month -- Prejudice Philosophy flick ---

Sam Fuller's "White Dog" (1982) *"Cure or kill the sickness."* either zero or 3 stars

---------

Morton Downey Jr.: Communism *Loudmouths, intelligence agents, government (U.S. & the U.S.S.R.) sponsored military groups in 3rd world hot-spots, and last of all "TRAITORS!"* 1 star

12:01 Beyond: Illegal Aliens ---------

*A man and his dog, living alone in the desert, are abducted by a ufo. that or the dog is an alien or becomes an alien?* close to 3 stars

*VHS quality trailer for the new War of the Worlds (not Spielberg / Cruise).* 3 stars

*TV rip promo for CBS showing of Sigourney Weaver in ALIENS.* 3 stars

*Mr. Lobo rambles about ancient alien conspiracy theories while an alien fires a electricity blaster behind him.* 3 stars

*Famous Studios' Superman in "Showdown": Superman framed with impostor.* 3 stars

*VHS quality rip trailer for the movie Hangar 18.* 3 stars

*TV quality rip for "Magic" 92 FM radio "The Superstar Space Cruiser" of radio stations playing classic rock albums.* 3 stars

*'The Tony Tomato Show' presents Heil Hipster performing in a Weezer 'Buddy Holly' esque music video.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

*VHS quality rip trailer for "Moon Trap." Killer lunar robots and Bruce Campbell.* 3 stars

*TV quality rip for an 1980s NYC Manhattan comic convention featuring a lot of classic Sci-Fi alien comic books.* 3 stars

*Ninja the Mission Force - Citizen Ninja: No rest for the Ninja. Not even a playground picnic.* close to 3 stars

*TV / VHS quality neon lazer graphics advertisement for Rochester's 95FM BBF.* 3 stars

*TV/VHS quality rip for an old 80s DR. Pepper commercial where a cowboy walks into a space bar cantina filled with alien puppetry creatures and orders a tall one. That is a Dr. Pepper.* 3 stars

*The "Saint of Insomniacs" Mr. Lobo sits by a Tesla type machine and greets a scary looking alien creature who is into probing.* 3 stars

*(feature movie) Cannon films presents - "Alien Contamination": Explosive xenomorph eggs, and a cyclops tentacle creature, in an exploitation flick.* 2 1/2 stars

*Vintage UHF tv advertisement for channel 6 XETV promoting 5, count 'em 5, classic episodes of the original Star Trek tv series.* 3 stars

*Vintage Fox tv affiliate WPGH channel 53 and its promotion of Alien Nation, the series' upcoming episode.* 3 star

*Vintage tv commercial for the OMNI sci fi "fact and fiction" magazine.* 3 stars

*Republic Pictures serial The Crimson Ghost in The Laughing Skull: Heavy water has leaks.* 2 1/2 stars

*Mr. Lobo may have been probed and payed 20 dollars for it.* 2 1/2 stars

*Grindhouse trailer for the flying frisbee alien leeches flick "It Came Without Warning."* 3 stars

*TV/VHS rip quality commercial for Diet Dr. Pepper featuring a Will Forte look alike living in a Raising Arizona / Joe Bob Briggs style trailer park with his sweetie and having a close encounter.* close to 3 stars

*Zolar X - Timeless (music video): The Ramones meets Mork & Mindy.* 2 1/2 stars

*Thumb Snatchers from the Moon Coccoon: Stop motion short about opposable thumb hatin' robot aliens and a Texas cow munching cowboy sheriff squaring off.* close to 3 stars

------------------

Cinematic Titanic: The Alien Factor *"Pissing Skittles."* 2 1/2 stars with riffing 1 star without

Everything is Terrible ----

*The Stinger: Pontiac feels that modern car concepts should be "wacky," "funky," filled with useless gadgets, and cost 2 million dollars to create.* close to 3 stars

*The Old New Age!: Puffy clouds and PBS philosophy / aesthetics / tunes.* 3 stars

*That Doll Looks Like Your Daughter!: Wholesome, loving, lifeless, and that uncanny valley...* 3 stars

*Reppies Agenda Revealed: Let's make a rainbow and do the electric slide, all for the glory of our New World Order overlords.* 2 1/2 stars

*Bully Bustin': "Sometimes, you gotta smack somebody."* 3 stars

-----------

USA Up All Night with host Rhonda Shear presents "Porky's 2" ----

*Win a piece of Rhonda's horrible (looks fingerpainted) artwork. Ha.* 3 stars

*Rhonda laments the flow of her particular pink piece of artwork.* close to 3 stars

*An operatic Korbel champagne commercial showing picturesque American life. yeah, maybe if you're drunk on Korbel.* 2 stars

*Turtle Wax magic and science to help shine your convertible using "science and magic." Available at K-Mart.* 2 1/2 stars

*Hurry to Sears for a 3 day paint sale.* 2 stars

*1 800 Collect will help you save on collect calls and it somehow helps a generic fake Yankee baseball player rob a homerun "Whatta save!"* close to 2 1/2 stars

*"Before Arnold, before Stallone, there was Skywalker." USA is showing the original Star Wars 8 / 7 central.* 3 stars

*Rhonda daydreams about 1950s romantic lifestyles and compares it to the 90s where she can't get a date, because all the guys are on dates with each other. Then, she reads fan mail about how much sexual energy she puts into her paintings, then she gives that painting away to said horny fan.* 3 stars

*Rhonda makes fun of male pushups in Porky's 2 as being "safe sex" and she shows off a horribly drawn portrait of her house with dog poop on the lawn.* 3 stars

*Rhonda cools off with a Snapple in a cheaply produced Snapple promo.* 2 1/2 stars

*Bluesy 90s slickly produced Greyhound bus travel commercial. I've taken a Greyhound bus trip. It's nowhere near this glamorous. It stinks, actually.* 2 1/2 stars

*The host of MTV Sports (whose name escapes me) is with Arnold in a Burger King BK TeeVee advertisement for the Summer of 93's biggest blockbuster "Last Action Hero."* close to 3 stars

*While a mom does some home repair, a toddler has a horrible gasoline accident and is shown in the hospital burn unit covered in bandages in one of those awful scary as shit PSA announcements from back in the day.* 3 stars

*GNC the authority on getting musclehead gym rats hooked on supplement taking pill addictions.* 2 star

*"Ever been curious about Hollywood girls?" Well, these babes dance luridly on the hosed down concrete floor of a large suburban downtown flat while dressed in leather and 60s biker hats in this phone sex 1 900 950 WILD commercial.* 3 stars

*Next is yet another phone sex commercial with girls looking straight out of Beverly Hills 90210. Wowza.* 3 stars

*Rhonda shows a classic "cut scene" from the Wizard of Oz "Suck my wand!" that just happens to have made it into Porky's 2. And Rhonda reads another fan letter in it which she continues to win over the hearts and views of fans for her offbeat sense of humor.* 3 stars

*Rhonda makes fishy faces with her self portrait.* close to 3 stars

*Then a hypnotic bumper with Rhonda twirling against a starlit background while wearing a one piece swimsuit / aerobics outfits. Wowza.* 3 stars

*never park your car without the CLUB anti-auto-theft device, especially if you live in a Texas Mexico bordertown. Ha. Whatever happened to those? I guess thieves figured out a way around the device.* 2 1/2 stars

*Beautiful, portrait pretty mornings begin at 8, that is Super 8 motel, and that is also if you're a yuppie business man driving around the backcountry (what business is there out there?) with a cup of steaming hot coffee on top of your Ford Taurus rental car.* 2 1/2 stars

*Murphy Brown is smart, right? I mean... she does have her own witty tv sitcom... and she is spokeswomanperson for SPRINT long distance in this big budget commercial with 90s quirky aesthetics featuring the tops of bald mens' heads with cartoon floating graphics and a thinktank lab with a huge brain in a robotic device... huh?* 2 1/2 stars

*"What could be worse than the cost of a yeast infection? How about the cost of curing it?" Femcare for the cheap lady with downstairs troubles. Wow, did women really skip feminine healthcare because of high cost? Glad I was too young to experience the joys of a woman back then.* 2 1/2 stars for weirdness

*A leading zooologist explains the difference between sparkling polar bears (ones who ice skate in a skirt) and sparkling rootbeer cream soda A & W rootbeer.* 3 stars

*After a terrorist strikes... Silk Stalkings on USA.* close to 3 stars

*Sean Connery is a space cowboy... high noon in outerspace... Outland on USA.* 3 stars

*Rhonda's factoid of the week: close to 3 million gallons of oil produced in America, almost enough to style Jerry Lewis's hair.* 2 stars

*No touch tire care in a can really frustrates blue collar motorheads.* 2 stars

*"There's nothing worse than a foul smelling pair of shoes?" Wait, what about yeast infections? Odor Eaters knocks the skunk right out (literally) of a pair of old men's dress shoes.* 3 stars

*Tri Star pictures presents Weekend at Bernies 2, starting July 9th, 1993.* 3 stars

*"Even the best need attention, know what I mean?" So says a blonde skank on a cheap looking phone sex advertisement.* 2 1/2 stars

*Sluts "love sharing secrets" on another phone sex ad. Now, they just share selfies and butt in mirror photos on twitter / instagram and it doesn't cost 3 dollars a minute.* 2 1/2 stars

*Patty and her orangutan pal Roger try little Caesar's pizza and spaghetti.* 3 stars

*Tough actin' Tinactin for CGI fungal fires on the feet of jocks.* 2 stars

*"America's hot new number, 1 800 Collect." they've even replaced the Hollywood sign with a 1 800 Collect Sign. Boy, will they feel dumb, when they realize no one uses collect calls anymore. Everyone has a wireless plan. Dumb, 1993, get with the times, already.* 2 stars

*Rhonda gives away a foot sculpture to a female fan wanting it for her husband's office. I guess her husband, Al, has a foot fetish.* 2 stars

*Live & Loud Ozzy's new album straight from his 92 tour available at Record Town and Tape World.* 2 1/2 stars

*30 something moms in party cowboy hats use Suave miracle anti-perspirant to survive their rowdy munchkin kids' birthday parties.* 2 1/2 stars

*Nintendo's Kirby comes from Dreamland to the real world to prove that he's "One Tough Cream Puff" in an awesomely animated into live action commercial.* 3 stars

*"It's never too late for an intimate phone adventure." So, dude, bro, pick up your oversized cordless house phone with the extra long antenna and dial up some horny chicks for only 3 bucks a minute, man.* 3 stars

*Rhonda hangs out with her Bart Simpson doll and shows off her "Bart art".* 3 stars

*Models, on a beach, have lips that need protection from the sun's harsh rays. So, they use Blistex. But, they probably should get out of the sun, because they all look so dark that they probably have skin cancer already.* 2 stars

*"Continuous Action Formula!" soft & dri super solid lady deoderant will have the fellas fawning over any high class city chick.* 3 stars

*A sign language lady uses conceal and heal wart remover.* 2 1/2 stars

*"If you use gasoline the wrong way, your dreams will go up and smoke." Your kids will die as it's put in another scary gasoline fire PSA. Was there this huge problem with misuse of gasoline back in the 80s and 90s? Sheesh!* 3 STARS

*A soft saxophone, a tropical window scene with flowing curtains in the wind, and a creepy narrator on camera, in a white tuxedo, let's us know about Eve and her need to forget, which she can't do, on EDEN coming to USA....* close to 3 stars

*Rhonda is sad to say that Robert DeNiro isn't in Porky's.* 2 stars

*Rhonda really doesn't like Porky's 2 and recommends that if you wanna watch Porky's 3, then rent Porky's 1 and change the number.* 2 1/2 stars

*And finally to get to the actual film presentation... for this chopped and censored to the point of little coherency comedy...* between 1 1/2 and 2 stars

---------------

Son of the Beach: Miso Honei *Pink beam at Point Break.* 2 1/2 stars

--- Black History Month -- Inter-racial Adult Art Film --

Dark Bros. presents "Black Throat" *A dumbass honky, a new-wave negro pimp, and a trash-talkin' plastic rat go on the hunt for an expert fellatio hoe named "Madame Mambo."* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

--------

From Dusk Till Dawn: Blood Runs Thick *The original was a good movie, but it could have used a 14 year old girl's i-phone conversation with her boyfriend, an unintentionally funny fist fight between the Gecko brothers, rice-milk refreshment breaks, and cute pink bunny accessories to remind one of just how sweet having a daughter can be... oh, also Fez, from That 70s Show, dressed up like Kool Moe D in Wild Wild West.* 2 stars

Kung Fu: An Eye For An Eye *A woman's right to choose death. Honestly, however, a thoughtful commentary on revenge.* 3 stars

The Walking Dead: What Happened.... *Swing low, sweet chariot.* 3 stars

Everything is Terrible -----

*Aerobic Self Defense: Don't be a victim, attack from the rear.* 3 stars

*Time to get it on, T. Bone: Sidney Party Yeah Uh... or however you spell and pronounce Sidney Pottier.* close to 3 stars

*Tax Day!: I'm not sayin' that we should be anarchists, I'm just sayin' we should commit anarchy.* 3 stars

*Oldies vs. Hippies!: The early bird gets stoned.* close to 3 stars

*Mark of the beast: Government is evil, ignore the patriotic background music. Worldly goods are fleeting, seek salvation, and send us your money.* 3 stars

---------

Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Painted Hills *Chewin' the scenery with Lassie.* 3 stars with riffing 2 stars without

--- Black History Month -- Black Cowboy Cinema ---

Fred Williamson in "Joshua" (1976) *Who is Joshua? to quote Joshua, "I'm my mother's son." Some bandits make the mistake of shooting his mama, in the back, before Joshua can reunite with her after the Civil War.* 2 1/2 stars

--------------

William Friedkin's "Sorcerer" (1977) *No futuro without risk.* 3 stars

"Glengarry Glen Ross" (1992) *Close the deal, you expletive-expletive-expletive...* 3 stars

X Files: Young At Heart *The curious case of Spooky Mulder.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

The Ben Stiller Show: Season 1 episode 2 *20 so years later, and Nick Kroll has almost the exact same show.* 2 1/2 stars

Everything is Terrible ----

*Learn to Fly: self levitate the expert way.* close to 2 1/2 stars

*Hunks Hunks Hunks!: "Smell the protein in this room."* either 1 star or close to 3 stars

*Here's How!: to be a show off.* 2 stars

*Greatest Song Ever Sung: Kathie Lee cares about the kids of genocide. Well, just kids in general, they sure are cute. Fuck adults in need, they're not as cute. Jesus was a kid too ya know. He was cute, too. "Like one of us," as a kid, but way cuter.* either zero stars or 2 1/2 stars

*4 Minute - The Alien Agenda - Endangered Species: Vote for Pedro for president of the X Files fan club.* 3 stars

----------

Viper: Ghosts *Reformed criminals, the paralyzed, holograms, and future cars -more than meets the eye.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

"John Wick" (2014) *"Everything has a price," but good action / fight choreography and a dead wife's puppy are priceless.* 3 stars

Hannibal: Coquilles *About as much fun as a tumor.* zero stars

American Horror Story: Coven "The Dead" *Satisfaction.* 2 1/2 stars

Black Sails: Season 1 episode 3 *Ship without a captain.* close to 2 1/2 stars

Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Magic Voyage of Sinbad *"There goes a stupid, stupid man." Fake Sinbad, the father of modern socialism.* close to 2 stars with riffing between 1/2 and 1 star without

Rinse Dream presents "Cafe Flesh" (1982) *"A tableau of desire in decline." The perfect mindfuck Dear John paranoid love letter from the dawn of the AIDS-HIV era to the end of the 'Free Love' era.* 3 stars

True Detective: Who Goes There? *She done gone. Tyrone. Drugged out, deep cover.* 3 stars

Crossballs, the debate show: Reality TV No Survivors *"They fall in love in a hot tub, just like us."* 3 stars

Channel 4 in the U.K. presents Ban This Filth: episode 1 *Prudish, old ladies -the purveyors and "haters" (a term that I despise) of perverted behavior.* close to 3 stars

David Fincher's "Gone Girl" (2014) *An ode to the psychotic climate of hysteria caused by media jackals like Nancy Grace.* 3 stars

The Ben Stiller Show: season 1 episode 3 *To boldly go where Bruce Springsteen has never gone before.* 2 1/2 stars

Justified: season 1 episode 3 *"Seems like everyone here is from someplace else."* close to 3 stars

Swamp Thing: The Hunt *A rolling stone gathers some moss.* close to 2 1/2 stars

"Johnny Dangerously" *An exciting age of criminality.* 3 stars

Everything is Terrible ----

*Dana Carvey Is Rolling Over In His Grave: Have mercy, Church Lady.* 2 1/2 stars

*Creep Scientist Fantasy Karaoke: "It's nice to remember." Just don't make it weird.* close to 3 stars

*Cookin' Up Profits!: Elderly ladies are pie baking and financial experts.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

*Christian Puppets Are Selfish: Share everything, including yourself, with stuffed animal puppets of the faith.* 2 1/2 stars

*BEV!: "She'll kill us." during our middle aged lady step aerobic workout.* 3 stars

---------

Thundarr the Barbarian: Last Train To Doomsday *Can't keep a Gemini wizard under wraps. Plus, 1960s Marvel comic books become an instructional handbook for sorcery weirdos of the post-apocalypse.* 3 stars

Weird Science: Party High USA *School curriculum for those willing to stay stupid or hoping to become scumbags.* 2 1/2 stars

Max Headroom: Dream Thieves *In an age where people trade their dreams for dreams, Swamp Thing's Arcane is also an old friend / rival of Edison Carter.* 3 stars

"A Scanner Darkly" (2006) *We're all trying to escape, and we're all unknowingly being observed while trying. That's when we're unwittingly put to uses.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

Night Stand with Dick Dietrick--- (1996)

*Fashion VIctims - Lowering High Fashion Standards: Getting heavy with emaciated models.* close to 2 1/2 stars for the topic's performance 3 stars for Timothy Stack's jokes

*Secret Lives... Exposing Ourselves: Hot For Teacher - A teacher moonlights as a porn star. "Say it loud, I'm practically black and I'm proud." - A light skinned black man is shocked to discover that he's half black and not Italian. The Perfect Mom & Dad turn out to be Dad & Mom* close to 3 stars

-------

Mortal Kombat - Legacy: Jax, Sonya, and Kano *TEST YOUR MIGHT at the Ace Chemicals / Skynet factory.* 3 stars

Freddy's Nightmares: Safe Sex ----

*A picky dweeb's Satanic attraction and death by wet dream.* 3 stars

*An outcast chick's obsession with Freddy goes too far.* 3 stars

------

American Horror Story: Murder House "Smoldering Children" *Familial putridity.* close to 3 stars

X Files: E.B.E. *Piss up an Idian rope trick. There's an 18 wheeler causing alien confusion as it travels a shadowy path across America.* 3 stars

From Dusk Till Dawn, the series: Mistress *Harbingers, whore offerings, and head-shrinking.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

Banshee: season 1 episode 1 *A raccoon running from a rabbit. A -just out of prison- thief steals the identity of a deceased new sheriff to a Walking Tall type backwoods corrupt town.* 3 stars

American Horror Story: Coven "The Sacred Taking" *Thrill rides, terminal goodbyes, two way roads, and tingles of the cooch.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

Red Shoe Diaries: Another Woman's Lipstick *Girl in guy drag and a David Lynch inspired striptease.* 3 stars

---- Valentine's Three Way Movie Feature ---

John Cassavetes in "Incubus" (1982) *Try a little tenderness. Try a little cursed bestiality.* 3 stars

Paul Verhoeven's "Basic Instinct" (1992) *Torrid 90s trash revisited.* either 1 star or close to 2 1/2 stars

Michael Ninn's "Fade to Blue" *Get 'yer kicks on Route 66. It's a stylized xxx religious experience.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

-----------

Werner Herzog's "Lessons of Darkness" (1992) *Scorched earth war disgrace, the Book of Revelation, and fossil fuel drudgery, danger, madness -all from an alien perspective.* 3 stars

Stephen King's "Storm of the Century" (mini-series) *Born in sin, the Weather Channel's Jim Cantore, come on in.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

Fargo: Eating the Blame *Greenbacks, grasshoppers, gospel, and the gristle of a riddle.* 3 stars

"Winter People" (1988) *Milk, honey, and time a flowin.' Kurt Russell plays against type as a gentle clockmaker / Ichabod Crane type in a Hatfields & McCoys style hillbilly period piece.* between 2 and 2 1/2 stars

Cinematic Titanic: Legacy of Blood *"Tijuana snuff films are more wholesome."* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars with riffing close to 2 stars without riffing

Son of the Beach: South of Her Border *Labia & Johnson. Erik Estrada & Marsha Brady.* close to 3 stars (despite all the stale bean fart jokes, it manages to be funny)

Northern Exposure: Dreams, Schemes, and Putting Greens *"Wine 'em, dine 'em, stick 'em with the tab." ... or leave 'em standing in the rain at the 18th hole... or leave 'em standing at the altar singing showtunes.* 3 stars

Everything Is Terrible ----

Freedom Song: Show us yer tits fer freedom.* 3 stars

Fiddlin' With My...: Would you rather be in Branson with Shoji or would you rather be a mule?* 3 stars

Dreaming of Foxy Boxing: That cloud looks like a cat fight.* close to 3 stars

Dinner With The Abortionists!: "Ask your wife." quoting a slimeball abortion performing doctor.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

The Lottery Guru!: Hint, hint, you'll never win the lottery. Hint, hint, invest in firearms.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

------

Night Stand with Dick Dietrick ---

Illegal Aliens Star Search: Immigrant talent show for the prize of a green card.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars (3 plus stars for the Phil Hartman cameo)

Hooked on Hookers: Sexy Social Outrage.* close to 3 stars

------

Crossballs, the debate show: American Driving, Carmageddon *Defensive drivers on the defensive against aggressive comedians.* 3 stars

"Harley Davidson and the Marlboro Man" (1991) *"Come on and take a free ride." - John the Baptist $T.M.$ If they make this movie for the millenial generation, it will be called 'Rob Dyrdek and the Starbucks Person,' and it will pack a limp wristed punch.* 2 1/2 stars

Hill Street Blues: Your Kind, My Kind, Humankind *Being true to one's self and the team.* 3 stars

The Walking Dead: Them *A deathdream last episode and now this episode has an exhaustion zombie fight, a pack of wild dogs, worm eating & dog eating, mysterious note and a gift of water at the point of dehydration, a backroad tornado out of nowhere, solace in a shack in the middle of nowhere, and a zombie siege on the shack that seemed to spell the end of everyone in the group (which turns out to be a dream? or did they all just die?). This second half of the season is taking a turn into surreal southern gothic.* 3 stars

"In Cold Blood" (1967) *The point in modern America where we all took a dreaded detour into a conscience of indifferent malice that we've been driving on ever since.* 3 stars

"Nightcrawler" (2014) *Hollywood really wants us to sympathize with their paparazzi plight. A success driven psycho is nihilistic about bringing skid row sensationalism to the Southern California suburban news market.* close to 3 stars

The Ben Stiller Show: Season 1 Episode 4 *Melrose changes people. Ben finds out this when Andy Dick turns into a hipster bitch on the back of a biker dyke's harley.* 3 stars

--- Black History Month --- Cultural Cliches Comedy ----

Melvin and Mario Van Peebles present "Identity Crisis" (1989) *Gianni Versace is my homeboy. Rest in peace, my gay nigga.* close to 2 stars

------

Ban This Filth: episode 2 *"I would rather live in a vast, treeless desert without filth."* 2 1/2 stars

Hippies: Hippy Dippy Hippies *"Painting the house of ideas, shit brown," like a pig would.* 3 stars

"The Satisfiers of Alpha Blue" a Gerard Damiano xxx film (1980) *In the future, in the ruins of a space age commune, survivors hump, day & night, like bunny astronauts. They have this calculator connected to the future internet, and surprise the internet is mostly for sex, where they can dial up and beam up "satisfiers" to fulfill their every sexual need. But is it enough?* 2 1/2 stars

Farscape: Through The Looking Glass *3, 5, prime. Red, yellow, blue. Dizzy, loud, and funny too.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

Wizards and Warriors: The Rescue *"I wouldn't want to fight a dragon that I could see, let alone an invisible dragon." Yeah, that's right, an invisible dragon.* 3 stars

Cinematic Titanic: Frankenstein's Castle of Freaks *"It's like Clint Howard and Gentle Ben had a kid, and he's choking me!" It's also like Eegah! meets The Sinful Dwarf.* 3 stars with riffing between 2 and 2 1/2 stars without

American Horror Story: Asylum "Spilt Milk" *Nursing a grudge.* close to 3 stars

"The Babysitter's Club Video #1 Mary Anne and the Brunettes" (1990) *Scholastic and craptastic. Mommy / gossip / relationship training for young chicks who can't even get their darn ears pierced. Weird to see so many kids and zero adults in this Charlie Brown / Children of the Corn town.* 1 star

Jr. Christian Science Vol. 1 *One of Tim & Eric's weirdo friends hosts an early 90s public access educational children's show. A chore to sit through, but almost worth it for the moments where he loses his cool when the production doesn't go exactly his way, and it features some of the most awkward singing and puppetry ever combined.* 1 star

Mortal Kombat - Legacy: Johnny Cage *True Hollywood story, death of the action star.* 2 1/2 stars

"Constantine" (2005) *Keanu Reeves as a wanker. Shy LePoof as a hardnosed cabbie sidekick. Tilda Swinton in guy drag. Hollywood knows what comic fans want. They want their beloved characters americanized and the movie version to be filled with techno music and cgi in every single shot.* between 2 and 2 1/2 stars

From Dusk Till Dawn, the series: Let's Get Ramblin' *Soul cleansing, soul redeeming, power in the blood.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

Forever Knight: for I have Sinned *and sat in judgement.* close to 3 stars

"Exorcist 2: The Heretic" (1977) *Plight of the white wing dove. Not enough mood or scares, and too much of all of the following: pseudo science astral projection / mental flashbacks, jazz tap dance, big over the top special fx, traversing the globe, and Linda Blair vanity project / poor acting. James Earl Jones, Louise Fletcher, and Richard BUrton are great, though.* between 1 1/2 and 2 stars

Hannibal: Entree *"A bunch of psychopaths helping each other out."* 3 stars

American Horror Story: Coven "Head" *Proudly marching to the guillotine of perdition.* 3 stars

"Burial Ground: The Nights of Terror" (1981) *Eye-Talian style maggot-filled weapon-wielding zombies laying siege on a gothic mansion. Gore filled disembowling deaths, shot gun blasts to zombie skulls, smashing / chopping zombies / people to bits, and titty chewing. Gloriously over the top dubbing. And lastly a "child" or dwarf(?) actor that makes Bud Cort look normal.* 3 stars

Tales from the Crypt: Only Sin Deep *Pretty woman on loan from the pawn shop.* 3 stars

The Walking Dead: The Distance *Rick Grimes, the most justifiably paranoid man on the planet of the undead, will watch gay love, from the shadows, just to make sure someone's intentions are legit.* close to 3 stars

"Sticks and Stones" (1996) *Another of those generic mid-1990s coming of age / the dangers of handguns in a family home / absentee parents (too busy being a doctor more than a mom Kirstie Alley) / abusive white trash parents (father of the main bully) / dealing with school bullies and also brothers who are bullies too (Zack from Saved by the Bell. *barf* on both accounts) and the bullied (a young and pudgy Seth Rogen, you would think but the kid's name is Max Goldblatt along with his bully tackling overprotective daddy played by Gary Busey), complete with that wholesome Americana past-time of baseball as a connecting theme for this sentimental tripe.* either 1/2 a star or close to 2 stars

--- Black History Month --- Bon Voyage Film Feature ---

"Trippin" (1996) *A young brutha and perpetual slacker, during his senior year in highschool, is constantly escaping reality into his fantasies that often feature fly booty honeys.* 2 1/2 stars

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ziracona · 6 years ago

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While I agree that it’s a missed opportunity for what could have been a really important game element and some scenes, that’s not entirely true. During Markus’ first march, some humans do cheer for the androids. If you have not been violent then most, as well as journalists at Warren’s press conference, are speaking out in their favor. We have no way of knowing there aren’t separate rallies or emails being sent, just it’s no one on the front lines in front of guns with the androids, so it’s not something the game chooses to focus on.

I think the reason for that is similar to the reason that Alice turns out to be an android, a twist which was a really good decision even though initially I was unhappy emotionally about it. It’s because it narratively forces the player to pick a side to be in their head. While Carl and Rose and Hank and the border guard and even Todd determinately are good humans, there is no humans step into the line of Fire with androids moment, or character. Alice seems like it, but is an active subversion. Sort of like how there isn’t one single good white person in Get Out (which was uncomfortable to some people for similar reasons because that was super effective and cool), although less forceably excecuted, it really draws a them-us line to help push the player. Like, there’s no good human to be in your head to solve the problem of androids vs people. After Alice, I was much more of a “How much longer will I let my people die” mindset while playing, because there was no core character left to /be/, aside from Hank who was actively not becoming humans-help-androids, ‘but screw the humans we’ve messed up long enough, good luck androids.’

It’s hard to make someone feel very much, if they aren’t, like they /are/ the minority facing a struggle for maximum empathy and impact. Very hard, because people know what they know, and mentally make connections to it. It was a very impressive writing stunt. I think there are plenty of other ways he could have chosen to take things, maybe better, but the fact it left you feeling attacked and defensive of humans as a whole means he did his job pretty well.

A huge amount of people approach that game as humans wanting the help the androids and humans get along, and it’s hard to move the mindset into one where a player will value, sincerely, the android lives at least as much of not more than the human lives, despite what people would probably say if asked because it’s an unconscious thing.

And while it is a pessimistic view, there are plenty of pieces of media where the view on robot-human relationships is worlds more positive—it’s not like the game leaves a gaping empty void in its genre. If anything, it helps complete it. I genuinely felt at the end of my plythrough that I got a good ending I didn’t deserve—I fucked up way too badly as Markus and I have a lot of guilt, and what I got was much more mercy than I really should have been given. It’s not necessarily bad that it presents a grim view of humanity, or for people trying to get rights they deserve. It’s kind of accurate. People do things the right, peaceful way, and get fucked over for it. At least some people groups certainly do. There are parts of the game I’m still not sure I didn’t dislike, but it’s a very well made and good game, I believe anyway.

There is no big focus on positive human action, largely because minority struggles suck, and feel isolated and lonely, even if not all X are really bad, and it’s difficult to capture a pressure and aloneness like that if people can find any narrative out to crawl from to not feel that way. I hated the border crossing by boat but not because it was bad, because it was way too painful. It was a very good addition because it was shitty, but it made me think. And you’re right, a lot of the “symbolism” is a half step from a direct shout-out, and you didn’t need that to make the connections, but not everyone playing the game is as woke as you are—maybe you just were woke and level enough as a person already that you weren’t the target audience.

Not to say that how you feel or your opinions are invalid—constructively criticizing media is a great thing to do, and people are honestly affected in different ways, but I think this game, while imperfect, does a very good job of many things and I want to defend it.

You know, there’s one thing in particular that really bothers me about Detroit: Become Human’s entire “android revolution” (sub?)plot.

(I mean sure there are plenty of things wrong with it, like the trite Civil Rights imagery, but I don’t feel very qualified to talk about that so I won’t).

The point I’m talking about is…

Why don’t any humans join the android’s side?

I’m serious. Despite the “Public Opinion” counter that occasionally flashes on the screen, you can have Markus lead the most pacifist, peaceful, non-violent revolution and still no humans try to help out.

The lame handwave David Cage gives is “well humans don’t see androids as people so they dont care if they get mowed down by the dozens” but isn’t this exactly the point? That Markus, that the marches change the way people see androids?

And yet no one even tries to intervene when they get shot down. There aren’t any public outcries, no one wants to give them even a chance to talk, or to at least keep guns out of the equation. No one questions the immediate violence by the police and military. Not a single human during the post-Jericho Markus sequences ever walks up to an android trying to talk to it other than yelling and demonizing it.

We know there are people in this universe who are open to the idea of sentient androids. We have Carl, who treats Markus as a surrogate son and actively encourages him to think for himself. We have Rose, who puts herself and her son in danger to give androids a chance to escape to somewhere where they have a chance at independence. Even Hank can come around to see Connor as a true friend and partner, despite his initial animosity.

And yet David Cage expects me to believe that no one would even write so much as an angry E-Mail at the local police after witnessing peaceful protestors getting shot down with semiautomatic rifles just because they themselves aren’t androids?

It speaks of such a depression view of humanity as a whole.

People in real life constantly march, protest, petition for the rights of oppressed groups they themselves don’t belong to - because it’s the right thing to do. Because helping people who don’t have the same power as you is an absolutely fundamental instinct in many, many people. It’s the entire core of concepts such as allies, or organizations like Amnesty International or Doctors Without Borders.

Humans constantly work for the decent treatment of minorities, or even sentient beings in general. I mean how many animal rights activist groups are there?

I, myself, am not a dog. In David Cage’s mind, that apparently means that I would feel zero sympathy and have no desire to intervene if I saw someone kick a dog to death or set it on fire (yes there is talk of androids being literally burned alive by lynch mobs).

Of course that’s not true, but he seriously seems to want me to believe that not a single person in DBH’s universe (aside from like, 3 people) would feel sympathy for beings that have proven to feel fear and pain, to have the ability to emote just as humans do and have enough independent thought in them to actively demand rights.

I can’t be the only one who’s bothered by this, right?

#spoilers #mega spoilers #detroit become human #friends currently playing ignore this its full of spoilers

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maryabridged · 6 years ago

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"No one ever accused this game of being subtle." 1/2

Detroit: Become Human Isn't About Race (but it is tho)

PART TWO / BOTH PARTS IN ONE PLACE

Okay, so, I’ve gotten just…a tad obsessed with the new IP from Quantic Dream, Detroit: Become Human. Guys, I love this game. So much. But, unfortunately, it’s the kind of game that is so wildly problematic that I have to qualify that love. It’s gonna take a lot of words to do this, so I’ve divided it into two posts for tumblr. This one will be an overview of what the game is about and my general feelings, and the next one will get into the stuff that went super wrong. If you want to read them as one post, you can go to my other blog. I’ll be as spoiler free as possible.

First, things you should know about me: I have never played a Quantic Dream game before. Based on what I know about the other games they’ve made, I have very little interest in playing them. I saw, and enjoyed, the Kara short they released several years ago, and when they announced they were going to make a game based on it, I was intrigued. Then I saw some trailers and was excited. I still wasn’t sure if I would play the game myself, since Quantic Dream games are infamously full of QTEs (which I’m bad at) and that failing them can cause characters to die and storylines to end, but that didn’t completely turn me off. Then I heard some things about it, and about the lead writer, that left me unsure about the game, and I ended up deciding to watch Ryan Haywood’s play through on Twitch to see if I wanted to some day get the game for myself.

Detroit: Become Human (DBH) takes place in the year 2038, a near future where androids (created by CyberLife) are as common as cellphones, pretty affordable, and completely obedient. Businesses use them as cheap labour, and the result is an Earth similar to the one imagined by Isaac Asimov in The Caves of Steel. That is to say, a lot of humans are unemployed because machines took their jobs, and humans are pretty upset about it. Someone at CyberLife did a bad job with Asimov’s laws of robotics, though, because some androids, called deviants, don’t want to take orders anymore and have gone rogue (and can very much harm humans and themselves). Deviants are hunted down to be either reprogrammed or destroyed.

The player alternates between controlling three main characters throughout the story, all androids. One is Kara, a deviant who broke her programming to save the life of her owner’s abused daughter, Alice, and is now on the run with her. Another is Markus, a deviant who gets tired of hiding pretty damn fast and starts the robot rebellion that’s the main unifying story arc for the game. Finally, we have Connor, an android that CyberLife created with the sole purpose of hunting down deviants, and he’s partnered with a human police lieutenant to do it. Interestingly, Connor spends most of the game as an antagonist to the other two player characters, and, depending on your choices, can become the main antagonist by the end.

There’s some connection between the three characters (especially Connor and Markus), but for the most part they each have their own storyline. My general feelings on each of the storylines are as follows:

Markus (played by Jesse Williams)

Cool character with lots of great supporting characters

Epic story arc, and some really great scenes (and not one, but TWO heist missions, which are my jam), but a ton of heavy handed Civil War (among others) metaphors that create a majority of the game’s problems

Really, really excellent character origin though, oh my god, the scene where he picks himself back up after losing everything is horrifying in all the right ways and it’s fantastic

Jesse Williams is beautiful??? That’s not really a story opinion that’s just a fact

Kara (played by Valorie Curry)

Compelling and very sympathetic character who is unfortunately pretty inconsequential to the game’s main arc (nothing she does has any effect on the success or failure of the rebellion, whereas Markus and Connor can each make or break the rebellion)

Also has some great scenes, builds tension really well

Includes one of my favourite secondary characters (I love Luther, please protect him)

YMMV, but there’s a really disappointing “twist” near the end that comes with some deeply unsatisfying character development for Kara in terms of what she decides it means to be alive

(Motherhood. If you’re a woman, it means motherhood.)

Beautiful theme music tho, the cellos are A++

Connor (played by Bryan Dechart)

Everything about this storyline is fucking phenomenal

Okay, I’m super biased there, because Connor’s story happens to tick, like, all of my favourite narrative boxes. There’s probably problematic stuff that I missed because I was distracted by just how much I love literally everything about Connor’s character (including a beautiful performance by Bryan Dechart, y’all, he fucking nails it). [Edit: OH HEY HERE’S A BIG ONE I DIDN’T THINK OF RIGHT AWAY BECAUSE I’M AN OBLIVIOUS MESS having the only autistic-coded character in the game be a literal machine is not great, guyyyys.]

If you know me and my character/narrative/trope preferences at all, you know I love robots. Or, more specifically, sentient AIs. I love them because I love themes and character arcs centred on exploring identity (both in the general sense of what it means to be human and alive, but also in a more personal sense that will vary from character to character), and robots are one of the classic ways to explore that. (This is part of why the Imperial Radch trilogy by Ann Leckie is my favourite. Every single character in that book series has a completely different and deliciously complicated relationship with their own identity and it’s beautifully explored.) While each of the three main characters are androids that hit some of those juicy, juicy identity questions, Connor’s story is all about identity, and I love it. Kara’s story is about finding freedom, and Markus’s story is about finding justice, but Connor’s is about finding himself (he’s the character whose development can change the most dramatically, depending on the player’s choices), and it’s fascinating.

He also has the human/robot buddy cop thing going for him, since his mission to hunt deviants sees him partnered with a cynical human detective named Hank (played wonderfully by Clancy Brown) (yes, that Clancy Brown). If the reference to The Caves of Steel didn’t already give this away, I’m a sucker for that dynamic, and Bryan Dechart and Clancy Brown have amazing chemistry.

I’m probably going to write a million metas on Connor. But, like I said, I don't wanna gush about this game until I acknowledge the things that are very wrong with it.

PART TWO

#Detroit: Become Human #long post #text post #i had a lot of feelings i had to spit out #also i'll take any opportunity to get people to read Imperial Radch so #i just really love robots ok #edited

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stefanoaltieri · 8 years ago

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The SAT Is Not A Test, It's Trickery.

Right now my kid is undergoing the torture otherwise known across America as the SAT. He has been preparing for this day for quite some time now. By the look and heft of his The Official SAT Study Guide, it seems he has been preparing for the last eleven years. I picked a bookmarked page, random to me, right about midway through the College Board-issued behemoth, page 356 to be exact, and glanced at the cryptogram on the left column. I read through it and thought to myself, “this feels like trap of sorts. This is an intellectual contraption setup to promote failure. This...this is trickery!”

I vaguely remember some chapter in the story of my life when I was somehow reluctantly convinced to undergo such torture myself. There were some figureheads, some caricatures of authority, involved. Something about college, and a test, and scores, and being punctual, and timing. And oh, yes, something involving a pencil, a very specific pencil, a No. 2. It had to be sharpened, of course, and I was instructed to "bring a pair." Apparently that's all the ordeal required. The rest, for the most part, is vague. Very vague.

Bubbles. Hundreds of them. Maybe thousands. The letters A, B, C, and of course the ever-elusive D, which may as well have been a hostage in an All of the above or None of the above scenario or some variation of the sort. The details escape me now, as I am certain they did then, but I do remember, almost vividly, the clock. More specifically, the minute-hand racing past the hour-hand, on the white-faced something-ix clock stuck on the painted cinder block wall, just above the classroom door. The second-hand was red, and sometimes between glances from the test to the clock, I would catch it standing frozen still for a moment too long.

And oh, yes, there is one more thing. I was never on time for school back then. I usually, almost predictably, always "came way too late," as Dean Young would tell me during one of our many confrontations in the hallway discussing my impending suspension for my failure to appear at detentions assigned to me as disciplinary measures designed to curb my tardiness. Also, I was never prepared, constantly "borrowing" loose leaf paper and a pen from well prepared classmates. And, to a fault, I always left way too early. Some would consider that "cutting class" but I didn't, I simply didn't go to the last class of the day because it was directly after my lunch period, which was technically the period I would cut out of school. So, I argued, in my defense, I did not intentionally "cut" that last period class, whatever it was it was simply an unwitting casualty of bad scheduling, or, more correctly, a matter of conflicting timelines.

As I have learned, conflicting timelines is a recurring theme in life, generally, but more specifically so in mine. But for the sake of brevity I will say for that particular place and time, there was no specific, intentional, rationale or reason for my lateness other than I just either always woke up late or left home late, and I rarely made any attempts to make up for it. In my last trip through the wringer, during my senior year, this meant missing first period, almost entirely sometimes. I think it was either Algebra or English, but it may have been Gym, as I don't recall ever breaking a sweat in that school. I spent sixth and seventh period mixing and rolling dough at Pizza Boy in the Roosevelt Mall. Suffice it to say, my SAT score was greatly affected by such behavior, et al. Needless to mention, my academic career, in general, and perpetuity, suffered tragically. Fatally. Yes, that's Fatally, with a capital F.

What I don't remember is anything about workbooks or practice tests or study guides. But Me 2.0 is all up in that. As he very well should be, I mean this kid is an honor roll staple. They could literally use his name as a staple to hold up the Roll of Honor hanging on a hall wall at his school. Like clockwork, if there is an occasional B it is always flanked by a row of A's and often transformed into one by the next marking period. An impeccable attendance record worth boasting about. No tardiness. No absence. Spotless. To a fault. I once told him he could miss a day of school to tag along with me and pick up my new motorcycle in Ohio. I worded it in such a way that it would sound like a really cool thing to do, but used a tone that connoted such concepts as "responsibly" and "thoughtfully". I pitched him something along the lines of making a once in a lifetime, memorable experience of the thing, a one-day father & son road trip. An adventure that would involve bonding, trust, brotherhood and beef jerky; miles and miles of nine-over-the-limit on the clock and lots of cruise control; Rock and Roll - or oldies, depending on which generation you hail from; a case of water for hydration; and some big empty cups for to avoid pulling over during the longer stretches between rest stops. It would have been a party on four wheels, for sixteen hours straight. I even suggested he could snapshot highlight moments of the debacle and post it to his Instagram. I wish I had done something like that with my father as a kid. Now it was my chance to turn the tables on life's mis-dealt hand and break the chain of missed-opportunities. He could tweet about it. #OneDayRoadTrip. That's what the kids do. Right? YOLO. Right?

He turned me down. He did not want to miss school and have to catch up on his work and... Well, I don't remember the rest of it. I lost him after those first few words because of the confounded mess I became once the look in his eyes hypnotized me senseless. First went sound. Then darkness took over, summoning thoughts of despair and pending doom to any nonconformist-on-the-brink-of-turning-conservative. I was in a momentary state of dumbfounding shock, while the horror of it all echoed in my head with eerie notes something to the tune of "is my son a nerd?"

His instinctive reluctance to miss out on a legit, parent-sanctioned school absence for the sake of school-related malarkey made absolutely no sense to me, a dropout. None. Not then. Not still. Doubt it ever will. So, I ventured out on my own. I did it old-school. SOLO. Because that's how I roll. Apparently. But to make sure I didn't end up in a scene from Deliverance, I had the route all planned out, and set up my outdated Android to talk me through the plot twists now and then. As rubber wore down, I occasionally lifted my G3 out of the cup holder to check for signs of life and to make sure the car charger thing kept the battery juiced up in case I got stuck somewhere. It was a couple hours of high spirits until the WaWa coffee ran its course and the radio faded to static and I eventually got bored enough to try and picture-text a few location updates to my son, back at school. He would sneak me a very delayed thumbs up (👍) emoticon now and then during school hours, surely he waited until he was in the crowded hallways, inter-class. Then I remembered I shouldn't text and drive. So I kept it to rest stop texting only, mostly. I even tried miserably to capture a few snapshots of such roadside sights as deep valanced valleys nesting rural villages, and cool old rusted-through farmland robots planted like landmarks amidst the alternating chromatic values of green and freshly-plowed dirt. These, I thought, I would rub in his face when I produced them as evidence that he totally missed out. But I ended up with blurry, skewed shots of road signs, and eighteen wheelers, and dashboard. Lots of dashboard. Once, the ever-intrusive fingertip made a cameo, photobombing what would have otherwise been a postcard-esque shot of a tunnel entrance.

Epic.

Fail.

All in all, it ended up being a trip worth taking. For me. For the obvious reasons, the most logical of which was to haul back the coolest thing on two wheels worth taking such a trip for, which is the only logical reason to ever partake in such shenanigans, solo or accompanied. But admittedly, it wasn't something worth missing school for. Those sixteen hours felt like an eternity of dreadfulness at the time, eight of which mostly spent in pitch-black darkness, on the way back, with my bike in tow, strapped down in the hollow cargo cavity directly behind my seat. Eight hours of going eighty, with eight-hundred pounds of steel and rubber and gasoline held in place, just inches from my head, with the cheapest ratcheting straps I could find. It wasn't safe and it wasn't pleasurable. No place for a kid who's gonna use his brains in life. It was forebodingly dark and loud. Road noise, mostly, echoing through the uninsulated van like a rolling tin can, deadened only by only moments of fleeting redemption as I played hide and seek with the dropouts in radio frequency on which Alice Cooper, God bless his soul, hosted late-night radio. Sipping bad coffee to keep my eyes peeled enough to avoid plot twists involving six-pointers and eighty-miles-an-hour rental vans as I made my way through the peaks and valleys of western Pennsylvania.

But I digress. My kid. My boy. The fruit of my loins. The heir to all my fault-derived understanding of this world and most of my mistake-learned wisdom, is taking the SAT. Right about now, he is fully aware that he is being tested on his aptitude, whereas I felt, at his age, in a similar setting, or generally, that I was being tested on my attitude. I still do. But not him. He's every good thing I could never be if I tried. He was up for it. Prepared for it. He's got this. I know it, and more importantly, he knows it. He gladly sharpened three brand-new Dixon Ticonderoga No. 2 pencils, before going bed last night, and told me, with nary a hint of playfulness, "Dad, this is the best pencil in the world."

I concur.

I hope that his No.2 fills in only the right dots. I hope it leaves a trail of lead* that maps out nothing but the right answers, marking only the correct solutions. I hope that whatever fate had in store for him today, it also involves a handful of educated guesses, with some lucky guesses mixed in for good measure, though I doubt he would need that many. I hope he ultimately pencils this in as nothing more than what it is, a minuscule experience in an ever-evolving wheelhouse of much, much greater experiences that a life well lived should undoubtedly grant him. I hope that whatever pattern, whatever master key is used to unscramble this cryptogram of grey bubbles, I hope it mirrors the pattern that his teachers taught my boy. And I hope that my boy decides to duplicate that pattern through the fullest extent his knowledge. I hope that the system utilized to review his choices can also connect the dots of his answers to his propensity for assessing the true value of knowledge. True value. True knowledge. The kind of knowledge necessary to pursue and carry out a fulfilling life.

I hope the appointed surveyor of errors scans both the marked and the unmarked choices and recognizes them only as the result of the invisible act of choosing choices chosen over choices not chosen, and not use the weight of consequence to suppress any choices he has yet to make or coerce anyone to make a choice about him, in the future, based on his choice of an answer today. I hope this examination of his scholarship can sift through his absorption of the mindless regurgitations of expanded sophomoric academics and screen his wondrous, now-limitless potential, ripening and maturing into a future which seems more and more so uncertain to a father like me and yet so promising for a son like him. I hope that whatever computer computes his standardized Scholastic Aptitude is also programmed with the intangible sensitivity necessary to gauge his ability to use his standardized scholastic intellect to enhance his common sense and his uncommon, not-so-standard sensibilities about and towards the world around him.

I hope the College Board can look at his test score, no matter what it may end up to be, and recognize its irrefutable meaninglessness against his all-in effort, his can-do attitude, his willingness to do and be more and better, and his relentless dedication to apply both his critical thinking and the stuff they teach at school to his advantage and to that of others, especially in situations where his natural instincts may prove futile.

I hope, for the sake of our future, 'cause that's what the children are, that these standardized tests, and their score, don't mean that much to them. And by them I mean the kids.

By the way, In the color of full disclosure, due to one of my innumerable battles with my arch-nemesis Time, I missed the greater bulk of my SAT. My final score was 900-something, which, as evidenced in my writing, is largely attributable to the luck fate had in store for me on that day.

Also, Dean Young was a friendly figure in a stern setting. Sometimes we ate together at the Burger King across the street. His treat. Always.

I never, ever mentioned his toupee. Not to him, not to anyone. Until now.

*is it graphite?

#SAT

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