#I still love Fiona and I think she gets way more hate than she deserves

[lyricailove]

So here's that Fiona and Women meta I said I'd do a while ago.

Preface this by saying: This is not Fiona hate because I don't hate Fiona. I actually have a lot of grace and empathy for Fiona. I find a lot of the hate she gets is either greatly exaggerated or outright wrong. That said, I'm all for proper critique and that's what this is.

When it comes to Fiona and how she relates to other women, there's a lot of judgment and competition going on. The only exception is V, and I suspect it's because V is one, already in a relationship so Fiona's not competing with her for other men, and two, because V has a certain kind of feminity that Fiona respects.

Fiona strikes me as the type who is a feminist in name only. She's someone who slips into respectability politics in a way that's counterproductive to actually supporting women. She wants equality for women and for women to be respected but only certain women.

This brings me to her treatment of Mandy, Svetlana, and Debbie.

Mandy

From the moment when Mandy and Lip get together properly, Fiona is very judgmental and rude to Mandy. To the point where Mandy knows Fiona doesn't like her and if my readings are right, it hurts Mandy's feelings. To a certain extent, Mandy looks up to Fiona and even relates to her. They both being the girls in their family who do/have taken care of the domestic duties of the household and who seek refuge in sexual relationships. But just like I think Mandy relates a lot to Fiona, I think Fiona sees herself in Mandy. I think that's what scares her about Mandy and Lip's relationship. Fiona, as most can tell, doesn't like herself very much and because of that anything reminds her of herself she rejects. Granted, she won't kick Mandy out but she's not very warm to her either. It's like cold acceptance of her presence. I think if Fiona had taken the time to get to know Mandy, they would have gotten along a lot better. Maybe even learned from each other. Hopefully at Milkovich/Gallagher Christmases, they've had the chance to talk things out.

Svetlana

I feel like Fiona's feelings toward Svetlana are both clear-cut and complicated. On one hand, Svetlana was the wife of her brother's boyfriend and even if we never saw her and Ian talk about that, I'd imagine Fiona has an idea of that period. Also, how much it hurt Ian to watch Mickey get married and have a family. So, I'm including that as a reason. Not saying it's a fair assessment of Svetlana's role, because I also see Svet as a victim in that paradigm along with Ian and Mickey. There's also the jealousy of Svetlana and V bonding while Fiona is busy. V and Fiona eventually made up but by the time they had that conversation Svetlana was gone and there was no way she and Fiona could've patched that up, which I think they would have. There's the amazing scene where Svetlana actually calls Fiona out for her looking down on Svetlana. She calls out how Fiona judges her while not acknowledging that Svet works hard and is determined to make a life for herself. Svetlana has the confidence in herself that Fiona lacks. I think that breeds a level of resentment, because like a lot of people, Fiona looks down on Svetlana as a sex worker/former sex worker. Like Svetlana says, she works hard and is not deterred from her path so she will succeed. Whereas Fiona will get cold feet and self-sabotage when she's doing well for herself. It's like she thinks she doesn't deserve it. If Fiona and Svetlana had been able to be on good terms, I think Svetlana could've been a good influence on Fiona.

Debbie

I know this is gonna seem like a cop-out but I blame the writers for how Fiona and Debbie's bouts would develop. The only two sisters in a house full of brothers and an alcoholic father who only loves himself. They should've been the closest. But instead, we get power struggles and anti-choice storylines. I have to bring back the fake feminist point from earlier. I think Fiona is one of those women that's pro-choice but only if it's the choice she agrees with. Was Debbie being a teen mom the best choice? No, no one would ever say that. But, by the time she learned of the pregnancy, it was too late to force Debbie into terminating, and that wasn't up to her to begin with. Fiona was working off emotion and not being solution-oriented. She shamed Debbie for getting pregnant, tried to force her to get an abortion, and got physical when she wouldn't agree to it. I don't doubt that Fiona loves her niece now, but the beginning was a nightmare. And in the end, Debbie defied all odds and showed herself to be a top-notch mother. Let's also talk about how Debbie was the only sibling to show Fiona empathy when she was having her breakdown, and how Fiona left Debbie in charge of the house when she left. All that potential to show them being close is left untouched because Shameless is a show created and steered by men and it shows.

[iangallagherisadeadman]

shameless hot takes

i kind of dig the way lip ended up as a failure. i know a lot of people hate what the show did to him, how he never lived up to his potential (the same way they do it to rory gilmore) but like. that happens. lifes just like that. sometimes people who have had everything to live with grandiosity end up ruining everything up, and lips life was HARD and it SUCKED so him failing its kind of expectable i think. and its not like lips life ended, mans not even 30 and hes not just smart hes a genius, he will end up turning the table and coming straight to the top, i believe so.

frank doesn't love his children. i know people like to think frank was somewhat nice sometimes and that he was troubled but he loved the gallaghers his own way but i dont think he really did. he didnt even knew them. he was just too selfish and a narcissist and not even once a "act of love" was genuine or didnt have a gain for him or was somewhat for his benefit or interest.

of all plots, i believe gay jesus was the worst. i tried to remeber every other plot of the show and dont get me wrong the frank and his buddy pal mickey oshea SUCKED and i love ian hes my favorite character but what the fuck was that. the idea is really nice but it took so long to convey this arc of mania of him and it just was really badly written and executed and later it doesn't have importance to the plot. no surprise cameron monaghan wanted to skip shameless after that.

gallavich is not a healthy goal relationship. i mean yeah, they do love each other and they are good to each other, and i will excuse them for all the shit they did as teenagers cause they seemed to forgive each other and grow from it and i dont think they knew best but as adults they dont fucking communicate and mick broke ians leg like common. also most of time ian just seems to regret having married mick is really frustrating. i genuinely dont understand how that happened cause gallavich was all the writes had to milk and serve for the last seasons and they still fucked it up.

debbie is a rapist. she just is. just like sheila is too, i believe, and frank, and mandy, and jody, and estefania (i dont think jimmysteve is tho). they practiced nonconsensual sex and thats rape, end of story. i know the deborah debate is kind of hot ground and everybody has a different opinion about it cause she was young and didnt have the proper sex ed. but she did it not once, but twice AFTER facing consequences and getting to educate herself about what she did and why that was wrong, and i believe she would do it again if she had the motivation like she did on those circumstances. not saying matty or derick were cool guys, fuck them, matty wanted to go out with an underage girl when he met debbie and he kept going out with her after knowing she was much younger than he first thought and derick know that having sex can lead to having a baby and he and his family should have tried to be better to franny, but still they didnt deserved to by lied and abused by deb.

the gallaghers house should be debbie and carl's to decide what to do. the house is in fionas name, that much is true, but it is clear they kept contact with fiona at the begging of season 10 as she calls debbie to know about freddie and at that hall of fame episode too, so that much wouldn't be a problem. also, as fiona left, she left debbie in charge of the house's finances, and i believe the responsibility of what to do with the house is left with debbie too. i dont think fiona would be thrilled with the wouse being sold but she moved on and if her siblings are up to moving on too i dont think she would be opposed to it. that said, she would let the house deed on debbies hand i believe. taking up the fact that debbie is a mom with a little child and no other place to live, the fact she doesnt want to sell the house is comprehensible and i dont think any other gallagher can say its not, even more so lip. they tried to make the decision voting, letting the majority determinate what to do, but i dont think thats fair since lip could very easily get a house to himself and ian and mickey too, they had the money. now, about carl, is simply cause he paid for the house, therefore he should had a say on it. season 6, when the house was going to be sold, no other Gallagher than fiona was really trying to make to money to buy it. when she couldnt, carl saved the day and gave the money, and fiona was reluctant but she had no other option than to accept it, otherwise they would lose the house. even though the house is in fionas name like she likes to make it very clear, it is carls, and if he wanted to he could have put it in someone elses name, not lip cause he's in debt cause of the credit cards he has gotten to pay college, but he could have made it ians or anyone elses. he didnt cause he respects family and he respects fiona. since the house is his, and he also didnt really had any other place like debbie, they both should make the decision together.

fiona fucking sucks. i know a lot of people hates her and a lot loves her, and theres people in here that knows shes middle ground just like basically everybody on the show, which is called SHAMELESS for a reason. and i can agree with everybody. my point here is that she did nice things and stupid things and i dont hate her or love her for them, nor do i think all is forgiven because of her trauma or that shes number one worst character of the show. i think she sucks, think that she was wrong for all the liam shit, that she is an agent of chaos, that she was a bad girlfriend for all of her boyfriends just like they were bad for her (except mike he rocks), i think she make some of them worst really; i understand her desire to grown and be someone but i think it was risky to put the gallaghers house on the line so she could open the laundry (even more so cause i dont really consider it hers but carls), i understand how at some point she wanted to grow and take care of herself and be less of an parent in her sibling's life cause if she took care of herself since she was nine i think her siblings could try and take care of each other and their own ass a little so she could start living but the way she didnt really helped ian, the way she shut down debbie and was sad when debbie shuted her down, the way she left carl to his white boy fase without as much as trying and the way she said to them put VERONICA and KEVIN first at their emergency call before her was insane and she should be dragged for it idc. she was always mean to her siblings romantic interests too and that really bugs me cause mandy put lip in college and mickey cared for ian.

lip fucking sucks. most people here think the similarity between lip and frank starts and finishes on alcoholism and appearance but i think its more than that, i think both of them are narcissistic motherfuckers. i cant think of a single time lip put effort in anything for any other reason than to satisfy himself. it is the most evident when you think about his relationships SPECIALLY tami and fred, but if you think about his desire to be a father, the way he treated fiona when she was down, the whole sierra fiasco and how he treated her sons daddy, the karen ian thing; he even said that he helps his alcoholic friends because he thinks that if they cant do it then certainly lip himself won't be able to do it. i cant hold ian to the same parameters, i only think deb fiona and carl are really there for each other but ian gets a pass cause hes just selfish to some extent. he is bipolar and shit went down when he was still a child; still, joining the army and sending no news was a dick move and when he was good and on his meds and working as an EMT i think he wasnt really there for his family, tho he cared for mandy. cant really say much cause most of the time he was out of himself or in jail.

[m4ndysk4nkovich]

shameless unpopular opinions:

(i post these a lot but now here’s a ton of them together because as you can tell, i am very opinionated lol)

season 10/11 have a lot of gallavich in them, and they’re so fucking amazing in those seasons, but 10/11 are definitely not the best gallavich seasons because they’re a bit more boring (not very boring but kind of), the best gallavich seasons were 3, 4, 5, and 7.

fiona’s worst season was season 7, and that one scene at the table where she asked everyone to put her at the bottom of their emergency contact lists/told them that the squirrel fund was returning wasn’t “iconic” it sucked and was literally her neglecting carl and debbie. her best season’s were season’s 1 and 2 (i like her in every season those were just the best).

season 6 carl/white boy carl was awful. he was sometimes funny, yeah, but carl was the best in literally every other season but that, especially in 1, 3, 4, 7, and 11.

i get that he was closeted and had to hide his feelings away, but mickey treated ian like shit in seasons 1-3. but in 4-11 he (mostly) treated him amazingly.

lip is so much worse than debbie.

sheila shouldn’t have dated jody and she shouldn’t have taken hymie.

ian and debbie were the only one’s that monica loved, but really only ian.

frank did more damage to monica than she did to him.

kev and v weren’t ready for kids.

i wish that sierra and lip had ended up together, but tami was the only girlfriend of lip’s who didn’t let lip walk all over her. regardless, i think she was a rebound who he stayed with just because of her pregnancy.

they should’ve killed svetlana and jimmy-steve off instead of giving them stupid endings.

thinking realistically, yev is probably not mickey’s kid. but thinking with shameless logic, he probably is.

debbie isn’t the best character necessarily, but she is one of the top 5 (or maybe 3) best written shameless characters and people don’t awknolege her enough.

every. single. character. deserved better. even your least favorite characters, like sammi or karen or debbie.

chuckie deserves literally no hate. the thing people hate most about him is his mother, but that’s unfair because literally every shameless character i can think of off the top of my head has mommy issues.

sandy was in the wrong in the break up with her and debbie.

debbie should’ve gotten some help during/after her pregnancy. yes, actions have consequences, blah blah blah, but she was still just a kid.

lip fucking sucked in season 11 and i just wanted to give debbie a big hug the entire time. idc about what she did, fuck lip for trying to sell/pretty much destroying, a house that he had no rights to whatsoever.

liam was treated like absolute dog shit.

no way in hell are fiona and lip straight. they’re both bi in my mind.

[toaarcan]

I've seen a fair few people make videos where they discuss how much the quality of the Archie book jumped up after Flynn took over (which it did, let's not downplay how much better he was than Penders), whether as a focus of the main topic or just as part of a wider statement, and there's something that baffles me about the B-roll that often gets chosen for this sort of statement.

Sonic and Tails' reconciliation from Issue 179 is normally part of the examples of things Flynn fixed, and I fucking hate that scene and think it's one of the lowest points of Sonic's entire character in the book.

And like, on some level, it makes sense why people look at that and go "Yes, this is better", because Penders broke the friendship between Sonic and Tails and Flynn repaired it, that's good. Bit weird that it took him 19 issues to get there but whatever, he's only got so many pages a month.

But it's the way Flynn has it happen that pisses me the hell off, because it ends up repeating one of the major mistakes of Penders' run, and people just kinda ignore that.

Sonic tells Tails that his entire relationship with Fiona was a farce, and he only agreed to be her boyfriend because he thought that doing so would make Tails move on from his unrequited crush.

So first of all this is a really stupid plan. Like, hey, Sonic, you're friends with Amy Rose, why did you ever think "My crush isn't single" would convince anyone to stop crushing? I know this version of Sonic isn't far out from saying that he "takes everything Amy says with a grain of salt" (which feels unbelievably mean to Amy. I've never been an Amy fan but even when my opinion of her was at its lowest, I never thought she deserved that shot across the bow), and I know Tails is generally treated as being somewhat more mature than Amy despite them being the same age in Preboot Archie, but this nonetheless should've been a major sign that this was a stupid plan.

But the thing that pushes it over the edge into "Sonic you unbelievable asshole" is that it's very, very apparent that Fiona didn't know. She probably still doesn't know. He was using her.

And I know some people will argue that Fiona was also using Sonic, but she makes it clear that she was desperately trying to find the thrill she got from being with Scourge with someone who wasn't, y'know, this creep.

In 172, she describes Sonic as 'boring', and no wonder she did, it was fake the entire time and nobody told her.

(This is part of why I dislike the take that Fiona has much more agency as a villain, because she basically never makes an informed decision under Ian's pen. She has no idea that Sonic never loved her-though knowing that would probably only make her angrier- and she has no idea that Scourge is an omnicidal maniac who has already tried to kill her by proxy at least once. She never really knew either of her partners, despite her relationships to them being the driving force of her character)

At the end of the day, this story reduces Fiona to an object to be fought over, without her ever being fully aware of that, and the resolution of it all isn't making things right for her, it's having the two protagonists involved make up, while she gets left stuck with Scourge, who has demonstrated the capacity to kill her if it suits his goal.

[paper-beats-writers-block]

Okay listen I am considering myself veteran Simon Snow fandom enough (there are DEF people that have been here longer) but I will take a crack at all of these. Apologies for length of post in advance haha.

NEED human blood, no. Is it better for them, definitely. There have been so so many discussions about Baz in relation to his vampirism, but here are the highlights. as we see in wayward son, lamb looks like the perfect bill of health; he's strong, sharp, and completely unafraid of what he is. And I think a huge part of this is because he drinks human blood. His color is better. His senses are sharper. He doesn't feel fatigued all the time like the books allude that Baz does. And this is probably because human blood has a lot more of the nutrients that they need. Because human blood is the closest thing to "their own" blood that vampires will ever get. Yeah sure baz can drink as many rats and rabbits and cats as he wants to, but the genetic makeup of the animals' blooc doesn't come close to a humans. (something I love about the books is the way vampirism is approached in much more of a scientific way than a magickal way) (here's another post I made about it a while ago) (And here's a fandom discussion on why baz's skin is so pale when he's supposed to be Egyptian/Italian. If you pick one of the two to read, PLEASE let it be this one)

It all depends on the vampire I think. Because I think the content of human blood is much better for the vampire because it supplements them better, I think that once most vampires try human blood for the first time there's a much lesser chance of them going back. Because another thing with the scenes with Lamb is that "if you didn't enjoy being turned then they weren't doing it right". I think a lot of baz's "morality" comes from his own prejudices against vampires. We know that Baz's vampirism is an allegory for his queerness, and just like he has internalized homophobia towards himself that he's working on, there's a lot of internalized "I hate vampires" that's going on as well. If you want me to go into more detail about this I will, just ask!

Same thing with any minority. Yes they can make a moral choice. But no that doesn't mean that mages are going to come to terms with it. Agatha was (thought she was, pick your poison) in love with Baz for years. She was still terrified that he was a vampire in Carry On. Fiona has a vampire for a nephew and a fiance, and last time I checked she was still a vampire hunter. So there's a lot lot lot of systematic injustice that's happening with vampires in the books. (and vampires aren't the only magickal creature that this is happening with. until the mage came along, only humans could attend Watford. And even then, it was only humans that could pass the entrance exam) (disclaimer. I hate the mage as much as the next bestie. however, he did begin to dismantle the rampant classicism at watford, and I will l give him half a point for that)

Baz is going to take a long as fuck time to come to terms with it. it took him over a year to realize that he deserved better from simon than Simon's flippancy and nonchalance about their relationship. and then he snapped and broke up with him, and only agreed to try again when Simon promised that he would try. This is HUUUUGE for both of them. But one of the reasons I was so disappointed that Lamb was a villain in the second book is because he was the closest thing to a mentor that Baz ever had. Lamb showed baz that being a vampire didn't mean he was an inhuman demonic being. all it meant was just. he was a being. A being that had sharp teeth, super speed and strength, and needed blood to survive yeah. But there was nothing inherently demonic and evil about the fact that he was a vampire. the evilness came from the choices he made (and this goes for everyone). This is especially prevalent in the scene where Lamb teaches and supports baz through eating without his fangs coming out. and baz is THRILLED when he can finally do it, because being able to eat without his fangs makes him feel like less of an animal. And he's still very very hung up on "no simon I will NOT drink your blood" because he's afraid to hurt him and because he's convinced drinking human blood will, once again, make him feel like a predator instead of a person. So it's going to take him years, if not decades. And I don't have a guess how it will happen for sure (or if it even happens at all) but I'm confident in answering that he is not content with his vampirism where we leave off in Snow for Christmas.

My guess there is no. See "magickal classicism". It's a headcanon of a lot of folks around here that Baz goes back to teach at watford, and while we don't know if that is the direction canon will go or not, definitely in this case no. It takes a lot of time for a group so tightly knit as the word of mages to undo centuries of prejudices, and especially one as deeply rooted as a fear of vampires. Baz can say "no I only drink rats I promise" and he'll still get more backlash than Mitali gave the mage. The people that are most important to him know who and what he is, and right now that is the safest option for him. If vampire hatred does get abolished in the world of mages then I would say "yeah there's a pretty good chance that he will!" But I just don't see that in the cards right now, especially since his vampirism is still a part of him that he holds a lot of internal hate for himself.

I actually wrote a teeny essay on this myself! (don't let essay scare you, its written in mostly the same casual haha format as the rest of this post) but here is the link for that post!! (read this part after you've read the rest of that post: I think the bubble popping was his magickal resistance, because after Smith tries to cast his dumbass spell on simon, bro is completely immune to magic. And I think that's what the pop was. some people still speculate that he;s gonna get his magic back and I'm like "no sister that shit is way gone. and our boy is happier without it so let the poor sod be")

the immune to spells thing is one that I was never sure of. sitting here thinking about it now, I would have to say that my best guess here is that. Sooooooo many people tried to fuck with his already extremely unstable magic as it is, and the pop he felt with smith was it finally just. completely giving up. The humdrum took it all away in the first place, and he has absolutely no magic left (remember from the magic post I wrote it began with simon freely sending his magic into the humdrum, and ended with the humdrum sucking the rest of his magic out of him.) so I think the "pop" was just. one too many people tried to mess with it and the spell brought the Nothing to the surface, the Nothing literally didn't have anything else to materialize as, so the Nothing spread over his entire body and became sort of like his own personal humdrum that was completely immune to magic instead of sucking it away. If that was completely nonsensical I am sorry.

I do not think the wings will ever ever go away. and I'm actually going to let adamarks take this one, because they have an AMAZING meta on Simon's wings written before AWTWB came out. Link to that one is here. (this one is so important to me and genuinely changed the way I read the books. so.)

It's possible?? Shepard's plot and narrative purpose is explained beautifully in another adamarks meta that I will also link here. But To expand upon this meta further, I think he's also a great way of tackling Penelope's internalized magickal classicism because there are so SO many times throughout WS and AWTWB that some of her thoughts and dialogue are blatantly looking down on Shep because he's not magickal. now obviously she starts to attack some of that when she starts dating him. But there's a long way to go there just like there's a long way to go with Baz and his vampirism. But I think Shep is going to be the link there, because he's going to continue to challenge the way that she thinks, and in turn, Penny will take those challenges into whatever her magickal future had in store for her. The fresh perspective that she's learning from Shepard is going to help the entire world of mages in the long run. (and also. Having Shep around is going to do WONDERS for simon. because he's going to give simon someone to talk to about being Normal. and he's going to keep Simon communicating and getting practiced at communicating).

Nah I don't think she's gonna get in trouble. She probably (definitely) should. But Mitali is the current "stand in mage" for lack of better terminology, and the stern "Don't You Boys Try And Pull Something Like That Again Do You Hear Me" look that she gives Simon and BAz in her office when they go to use the library in AWTWB is prob going to be the extent of the discussion there because Mitali had so much going on with the pop up greatest mages, and then the gang had to swoop in and save everyone again, so I'm guessing its going to be heroically dusted under the rug until everyone gets drunk and Christmas and then someone will hold over her head as everyone laughs.

Rainbow is a huge proponent for fanfic!!! the mother of the simon snow series is fangirl, literally about a girl that writes simon and baz fanfic!!! So I guess yeah its possible that she left it kind of up to interpretation for fic writers to go nuts with. She did say that Baz is her favorite character she's ever created, so it's also possible that she's leaving it for another book?? But personally, I don't think that's the case (will I be THRILLED if book four is announced HELL YEAH!!!!! but I don't think it's in the cards). I believe she's said before that she didn't want to be pigeonholed into just writing simon and baz, especially when she has soooooo many other beautiful love stories that she has already told and that she's getting ready to tell.

haha I told you this would get long and would you look at that I was really really right 💀 so If you have follow up questions or additional questions that you would like me to try and answer I can certainly do my best!! and also please understand that these are all just. my personal takes on the series (and/or takes that I agree with since not all of them are mine) <3 so I hope this answered at least part of one of the list that you left!!!!!

Questions I still have after Any Way the Wind Blows:

Do vampires really need human blood? How much?

Are there other moral vampires? (Besides Nico)

If vampires can make a moral choice, is it amoral to kill them? How are the mages going to come to terms with this?

How is Baz going to come to terms with it?

Will Baz ever "come out" as a moral vampire?

What THE HECK is up with Simon's magic? He felt a "bubble popping" when Smith cast the spell, implying THERE WAS MAGIC IN HIM. will it come back?

And why is he immune to spells now?

Will he cut his wings off?

What will Shepard be to the world of mages? A liaison to other magical beings?

Is Penelope ever going to get into a heap of trouble for her magical fraud spree?

The ending is satisfying, but I feel like these books are set up for fanfiction. Or a fourth installment.

[restapesta]

hi emina! happy last week of no school ♥♥

15. “Finally. Missed you so much.” but make it sort of in front of other people??🙏🙏🙏 if u want. it's okay if not, too!

MONDAY

---

ian (1:11 AM): it's hot as fuck here. can't sleep.

ian (1:12 AM): also, lip snores

mickey (1:12 AM): that's what you get for leaving me

ian (1:13 AM): drama queen, i only left this morning. be back in just a week.

ian (1:13 AM): why are YOU awake?

mickey (1:14 AM): fuck you, just a week. 🖕🖕🖕

ian (1:14 AM): 🙄

ian (1:14 AM): go to sleep

mickey (1:15 AM): you woke me up???

ian (1:15 AM): doesn't matter. just go to sleep.

mickey (1:15 AM): probably not

ian (1:16 AM): ???

mickey (1:17 AM): can't sleep without you

incoming call from ian (1:17 AM)

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TUESDAY

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mickey (11:22 AM): college bitch still pissed at us for waking him up?

ian (11:25 AM): isn't speaking to me. bitched about it to fiona the entire morning.

ian (11:25 AM): "can't go a night without him." blah blah

mickey (11:25 AM): fuck him. wyd right now?

ian (11:27 AM): helping Fi with the moving shit.

ian (11:27 AM): you?

mickey (11:28 AM): lunch with tami. bitching about lip.

ian (11:29 AM): 😌

ian (11.29 AM): that same lip is currently screaming my ear off to get off the phone.

ian (11:29 AM): keep bitching, my love

mickey (11:30 AM): tell him to fuck off.

mickey (11:30 AM): also, call me when you're done

ian (11:31 AM): 😘

mickey (11:31 AM): 🙄🖤

(12:57 PM) incoming call from ian

(16:44 PM): incoming call from mickey

(21:44 PM) incoming call from ian

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WEDNESDAY

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mickey (09:06 AM): come back home, im bored.

mickey (09:06 AM): Fiona doesn't need you for an entire fucking week.

ian (09:10 AM): 😬 just five more days

ian (09:10 AM): Fiona says hi!

mickey (09:11 AM): I'm horny, this is stupid.

ian (09:12 AM): handy-dandy hand 😁

mickey (09:12 AM): 🖕🖕🖕🖕

mickey (09:13 AM): ...something to work with?

ian sent a link (09:14 AM)

mickey (09:15 AM): you did not just send me the benefits of a cold shower, you bitch.

ian (09:16 AM): loveeeeee youuuuuu

mickey (09:16 AM): 🙂🔪

incoming call from ian (12:33 PM)

incoming call from ian (17:29 PM)

incoming call from mickey (00:12 AM)

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THURSDAY

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ian (08:12 AM): I'm horny.

ian (08:13 AM): mickey

ian (08:13 AM): mickey

ian (08:13 AM): mickey

ian (08:13 AM): MICKEY

ian (08:14 AM): babyyyyyy

ian (08:14 AM): pleaseeeeee come on, you're not sleeping rn

mickey sent a link (08:16 AM)

ian (08:16 AM): i deserved that.

mickey (08:17 AM): handy-dandy 🤛

ian (08:17 AM): hate myself at this moment 🙂

mickey (08:17 AM): 🤭😘

-

ian (09:44 AM): coffee on facetime?

incoming call from mickey (09:45 AM)

---

FRIDAY

---

ian (14:22 PM): sorry for the ghosting

ian (14:22 PM): Fiona's been killing me with the whole apartment cleaning shit

ian (14:23 PM): And Lip's hiding from her so he's always with me.

ian (14:23 PM): i know it's been a day.

mickey (14:25 PM): well, well, look who decided to text their husband finally

mickey (14:25 PM): it's been a whole day, ian.

mickey (14:26 PM): we are no longer on speaking terms.

ian (14:26 PM): 😲😨

ian (14:26 PM): i'm sorry.

ian (14:26 PM): i miss having breakfast with you.

ian (14:27 PM): i miss sleeping with you

ian (14:27 PM): i miss kissing you

ian (14:28 PM): and doing other things with you 😏

ian (14:28 PM): miss you so fucking much.

ian (14:28 PM): mick?

mickey (14:30 PM): ugh fine, you sap

mickey (14:30 PM): call me

incoming call from ian (14:31 PM)

---

SATURDAY

---

incoming call from mickey (18:55 PM)

ian (19:24 PM): phone sex is cool, but we should try sexting ��

mickey (19:26 PM): i don't need a reminder of your disgusting ass dick anywhere on my phone.

ian (19:26 PM): hm? 🤔 not what you were saying ten minutes ago.

ian (19:27 PM): you sure you ain't ready for round two? 😏

ian (19:27 PM): bet facetime sex is even better.

incoming call from mickey (19:28 PM)

-

ian (02:22 AM): i miss you. i really fucking miss you.

---

SUNDAY

---

ian (08:02 AM): flight is at 10

mickey (08:04 AM): i'll be waiting for you when you land.

---

It had only been a week. A week filled with phone calls and text messages and a whole bunch of facetime—but, fuck, it had been a week.

Did Ian really have to go on and visit Fiona alone with Lip? Was it really that necessary for him to travel all the way to the alligator land just so they could help Fiona switch apartments? Mickey didn't see the point of the long-ass trip to Florida just so Ian could complain about how humid it was and how it was a blessing he didn't share a room with Lip anymore.

Mickey missed him. He missed him a lot more than he thought he would, and he really should've considered the fact that he and Ian spent most of their time together. They may have been apart before for long periods of time, but it was hard to tear them away from each other nowadays.

So maybe it wasn't that much of a surprise he'd had a hard time adjusting to the empty space of their apartment and the coldness of their bed. The lack of dad jokes during their long rides at work and the unmistakable scent of Ian that had been slowly fading and was almost gone now.

That was Mickey's excuse for not doing laundry. He didn't wanna lose Ian's smell from their home. The sappy excuse would probably work with Ian, he thought.

And even if it didn't, Mickey could distract him from his annoyance in other ways.

Airports sucked.

Being in an airport, waiting on Ian and Lip with their family of twenty thousand—or six, whatever—sucked even more.

But the plane had already landed and it would be just another couple minutes before Mickey saw his husband for the first time in a week. Before he wrapped his arms around him in a bone-crushing hug. He didn't even give a shit if anybody saw him and thought how big of a fag he was.

Husband. That was the only thing on his mind currently.

"They should be here already," Tami said, bouncing Fred up on her hip.

Debbie shrugged from beside Mickey, one hand tightly holding onto the redheaded girl between them. She was fisting the fabric of Mickey's jacket, and it made Mickey smile. It eased the anticipation a little.

Who was he kidding? There were swarms of bees in his stomach, poking and stinging. He felt slightly nauseous.

"I think I see Lip!" It was Liam who exclaimed.

Mickey didn't see Lip.

But he did see the redhead trailing right behind him, a suitcase in his right hand, recently bought for the trip. His hair was ruffled, and his eyes were sleepy, the jet lag probably hitting him in full swing.

Still, the green orbs Mickey missed so much lit up the moment he noticed Mickey, the corners of his mouth twisting up into a wide smile.

Mickey wasn't any better. He could feel the grin stretching across his face involuntary, yet he did nothing to hide it. Nothing to stop it from spreading. He didn't care to hide the excitement he was feeling upon seeing Ian for the first time in a week.

A week.

His legs moved on their own accord, and in what felt like no time at all, he was engulfed into a hug, Ian's long arms circling him—it was familiar; comfortable, and warm.

"Fucking finally," Ian choked out against Mickey's hair, his lips pressed to the top of his head, cradling his body gently. "I missed you so much."

Mickey tilted his chin up and their lips connected in a brief kiss. Just a peck that turned into a couple more, all loud on the pullback, their limbs still wrapped up in each other.

"Missed you more."

They stared into each other's eyes longingly for a couple of moments—it was probably too soft and sappy for them, but who gave a shit? They hadn't seen each other in a week.

What interrupted them eventually were a few short coughs, as if somebody was clearing their throat.

Mickey glared at Lip, practically forcing himself to tear his eyes away from the man he was holding.

"We done with the reunion or you guys wanna continue making out in the middle of the airport...?"

Ian was the one who flipped him off, finally disentangling himself from Mickey so he could greet his siblings properly and pick Franny up into a long hug. It made Mickey frown, the loss of contact. He forced himself to endure it, though—half an hour of a ride longer and they'd be home alone, free to do whatever the fuck.

Still, as soon as they were done with the obligated reunions and the questions about Florida and Fiona, Ian found himself next to Mickey again, gripping Mickey's palm and intertwining the fingers with his own.

Who gave a shit if anybody was looking? Who gave a shit if Lip was rolling his eyes at the obvious display of affection or if Carl was making obnoxious kissy faces at them as if they haven't been married for a while now—Mickey saw none of that shit.

All Mickey saw was Ian.

[fansofvow]

Interview with Eve Golden Woods!

Many of you know who is Eve is. She's a writer and artist, a part of Dreamfeel studios whose beautiful game If Found won Best LGBTQ Narrative and Best LGBTQ Indie game at the first ever Gayming Awards presented by EA games. I am really excited I had the chance to ask Eve some questions about herself, her time at Lovestruck and her creative process.

Congratulations on the two Gayming Awards (Best LGBTQ Narrative, Best LGBTQ Indie Game) for "If Found" from your game studio, Dreamfeel. What was the inspiration behind making the game?

If Found... was a game that emerged out of a collaboration between Llaura McGee, the founder of Dreamfeel, and artist Liadh Young. Liadh's background is as a comic artist, and so when they started working together Llaura had the idea of showing off Liadh's art by making a diary game, and using an erasing mechanic she had previously developed to let the player move through the diary in a fun way. By the time I came on board at the start of 2019, the game had already been in development for a while, so in some ways my work on that game was similar to the work I did for Voltage, because it was taking existing characters and concepts and writing a lot of scripts for them. Unlike Voltage, though, my work for Dreamfeel was a lot more collaborative and I had a lot more creative input. I really enjoy taking something and helping to make it the best version of itself that it can possibly be, but I was also really happy that I got to reflect a lot of my own experiences in If Found. Llaura and I both grew up on the west coast of Ireland, and although If Found... isn't autobiographical for either of us, it was definitely really meaningful to be able to tell a story that reflected our own experiences of growing up as queer teens in a similar kind of environment. Since the game came out we've had fans reach out to us and tell us that they also connected to the experiences of the main characters, and as far as I'm concerned, that makes me feel like I achieved everything I wanted to.

You are a writer and a visual artist. Does one come easier to you than the other?

I used to think of art and writing as talents, and I always felt like my art was at a very mediocre level (that's probably still true, lol). So when I was younger I focused a lot more on writing. It was only later that I started genuinely trying to improve as an artist, but when I did, I think I had a much healthier mindset, and approached it as a skill I could learn with patience and effort. Because of that, even though I still have a lot more confidence in my writing, I find art more fun and relaxing, and I don't stress about it as much.

Did you always know you would follow a creative path?

Kind of? Both my parents are artists, and I grew up surrounded by artists and writers, so it was something that was always very familiar and accessible to me. On the other hand, I didn't exactly have a clear idea of how to make it into a career, or what kind of work would be involved. But there's never been a point in my life where I wasn't doing something creative, even if it was only writing fanfiction.

What did your path to working professionally as a writer/artist look like?

I did a creative writing masters in college, but after that I spent years teaching English as a second language. That was really fun and I got to live abroad, but it was so busy and tiring that I didn't have time to do any writing outside of the occasional fanfic. I only started to take art seriously again when I became interested in games and comics as ways of telling stories. I did some critical writing, which led me to speak at a few local events and get involved in zine fairs. That was how I met Llaura, the director and lead of the Dreamfeel studio, and it's also what gave me the confidence to start applying for actual writing jobs.

Is there any work of art, visual or written, that you look to for inspiration?

So many! I try to read and watch as widely as I can, although there are touchstones I always return to, like the works of Ursula Le Guin and Terry Pratchett. Right now I feel very passionate about the actual play podcast Friends at the Table, which manages to combine really thoughtful worldbuilding and storytelling with cool, fun characters and great action scenes. I'm also reading a book called The Memory Police by Youko Ogawa, which has extremely beautiful prose.

Do you have a favorite piece of your own art, whether it is something you’ve drawn, a screenshot of something you’ve written or something else?

My favourite piece of art is usually whatever I finished most recently (I think that's true for a lot of people). Especially with visual art, once a bit of time has gone by you look back on it and start to notice all your mistakes, which is very annoying. But actually I do still really like the first piece of Fiona fanart I did last year. I managed to use some effects to give it a kind of nineties anime quality that I find really fun, and I think it conveys an emotion pretty effectively. That's always one of the hardest things to predict with visual art, whether the different parts will come together to create the exact mood you're looking for.

I also really like the compass I did for Bycatch. Krissy (@xekstrin) was the one who suggested filling it with fingernails, which was such a good, gross idea! As soon as I heard that I knew it was perfect and that I had to try and draw it.

Many people who read this blog know you as a writer for Lovestruck. When you look back on your time there, what stands out in your mind?

Lovestruck was very important to me when I first started because it was my first ongoing, regular, paid writing work. It gave me a lot of confidence and helped me to get into the habit of writing consistently and rapidly, which is a really useful skill to have. I know I was right to leave when I did, though, because I am just brimming with energy to work on my own projects, and channeling that power into something that you can't control will always end up disappointing you. Also, I made a ton of incredible friends, through Lovestruck itself but then even more so through VOW (@vowtogether), and that is more than worth all the difficult parts.

Is there any character that you would have liked a crack at writing?

Oh gosh, what a fun question! There are so many, but one I do sometimes think about is Axia, just because I know there are a bunch of fans who want her route, and because I had fun writing her as a villain in Zain's route. I can see in my head the shadow of a storyline that takes place after Zain's route is over, where she's in prison and trying to understand how she lost the battle with Zain and MC. I think there's, like, a gap there, where you could see her downfall forcing her to reconsider her assumptions about power, and that could build into a very interesting redemption story. But maybe it's for the best I never got to do that, because I would have wanted full creative control over it, and also I think the story in my head is very different to the sexy, in control, menacing version of Axia that her fans enjoy.

Do you have any upcoming projects you can talk about?

Most of my current work is under NDA, but I will say that I'm doing something very exciting with other VOW members that we should be able to talk about soon(ish). Maybe I can even give a little teaser... It's not a game, but it is something you can read, and my part involves cakes, swamps, and a museum.

Do you have a favorite quote or song lyric?

It's a big long, but there's a section from The Dispossessed by Ursula le Guin that has stayed with me ever since I read it:

"For we each of us deserve everything, every luxury that was ever piled in the tombs of the dead kings, and we each of us deserve nothing, not a mouthful of bread in hunger. Have we not eaten while another starved? Will you punish us for that? Will you reward us for the virtue of starving while others ate? No man earns punishment, no man earns reward. Free your mind of the idea of deserving, the idea of earning, and you will begin to be able to think."

It's such a profoundly radical way of imagining the world, so different to everything I was raised with, but whenever I think about it I feel like I can see something very beautiful and powerful that I hope to come closer to understanding some day.

And of course, "Solidarity forever, the union makes us strong."

I was a big fan of the show Inside the Actor’s Studio. Host James Lipton asked every single guest the same 10 concluding questions. I’ve picked 3 of them:

-What is your favorite word?

My favourite word: for sound, I like words you can really roll around on your tongue. Chthonic, alabaster, insinuation. For meaning, I think simple words that encapsulate big concepts have a kind of power to them. We use them so often we forget how big they are, how much weight they really have, but they give us the space to imagine new possibilities. Love. Freedom. Revolution.

-What is your least favorite word?

I've heard that "moist" is a lot of people's least favourite word but it doesn't actually bother me. My least favourite word is probably one where I feel like the sound doesn't match the meaning. One of the Irish words for rain is báisteach, which I feel has a much weightier and more onomatopoeic sound than rain. Rain is just very flat and uninteresting.

-What profession other than your own would you like to attempt?

Oh, so many! I love history, and I think being a historian/archaeologist would be fascinating. Or something that had a physical component to it, like being a potter or a carpenter. I don't think I'd be any good, but I'd love to take the time to learn.

What would be your advice to anyone who wants to pursue a creative career?

All the work you do matters. Even the failed experiments, the things you hate when they're finished. It all helps to make you better. Also, creative career paths are often really unexpected, so chase any opportunity that seems remotely interesting. Don't work for free for anyone who can afford to pay, but work for yourself and put it somewhere. On a blog, twitter, whatever. You'd be amazed how many people get noticed and get offered opportunities because of something they made in their spare time. You'll probably have to work another job for a long time, so don't be hard on yourself if you're too tired to devote much energy to creative work. Try to make art consistently, but don't feel like that has to mean every day. Don't chase after celebrities. Make friends with your peers.

[2257-blr]

Behind your back pt 1 | Phillip Gallagher

imagine; youve been keeping a secret from everyone around you, rather than tell Lip, your boyfriend, you fabricate a lie to make him hate you.

WARNING: none

The soul-crushing truth. It ate away at me with every thought that consisted of him, and you can imagine how bad it was whenever he clouded my mind. It wanted out, it clawed at the barriers I made surrounding it wanting to be set free, it didn't care who it hurt in the process. It wanted to be known. But it couldn't come out. They'd look at me differently. He'd look at me differently. Lip.

He knew something was up, whether it was my tedious steps or paranoia that had seemed to be more noticeable than I had thought, he had brought it up with me a couple of times. But I always held up a front — confused —  unsure of what he was talking about but I knew, he was the one that was uninformed because I knew it all, I knew what was behind those barriers, what was so desperately trying to be set free. But he couldn't know.

I was sitting at the dinner table at the Gallaghers', trying to stop my heart from beating so fast and my leg nervously bounced on the ball of my foot under the table. My eyes were frantic scared someone would see through the cracks of my facade. Lip hadn't noticed. His eyes were trained on the bacon he was making me. Although it was around 9 pm and they had dinner hours ago. He knew something was wrong and he thought food might help. It wouldn't, but it helped the ache in my heart knowing that he cared for me.

But I can't be near him without feeling guilty, sick to my stomach kind of guilt, the one that isn't always so suffocating but is always there, in the back of my mind when our eyes meet or when his lips touch mine, guilt. Scared he'd find out what I'd done and hate me for it. I was scared for him to let me go, but maybe I'd have to let go of him first. Maybe he needed me gone, to stop the worry to stop him from hurting more than he already did.

"Hey, Lip. Oh, Jesus, Y/n you look like shit" Fiona said, rushing down the stairs causing my leg to freeze but my heartbeat increased as I frantically looked at her and back to my feet. I'm sure I was being subtle, but the pain in my chest increased. I felt so small, so weak. So, so weak.

"I-I'm fine," I say, glancing at Lip who had finally taken his eyes off the food and now had a growing look of concern on his face. I lean myself towards him, my mind scrambling, although he's so far from me, leaning makes me feel as though I'm standing beside him, trying to find the safety of his arms but I'm so goddamn far. "I'm alright, Lip. I promise." I reassured him, and myself.

He wasn't convinced, neither was I honestly. Fiona wasn't dumb either, she knew I wasn't okay. I didn't hide it as well as I thought, I knew they could see clear as day but I couldn't fix this, them bringing it up to me won't change anything. They don't want to know what's hiding within me, hell, I'd pay someone to make me forget it. But I lived it, It was me. I made the decision, no one else, me.

"We have movie night tonight, don't forget" Fiona reminds us, but I don't even hear her. My thoughts grew louder and the scratches began to feel real. I needed out of here. I couldn't take it anymore.

"I'm not actually that hungry. I'll come by later, I just need to get some fresh air right now" I scramble from my seat, rushing past Lip and Fiona. I notice Lip reach for me but his hand stops halfway and drops by his side, instead he painfully watches me as I nearly trip over my own feet, grabbing whatever coat was on the hanger since I knew it would be at least brisk outside.

Stepping outside I was glad I grabbed the coat, I shut the door behind me before trying to get off Gallagher's plot of land as fast as I could, and I felt somewhat at ease once I had exited their gate and began walking down the street, although the thought was still in the back of my mind. It felt better, not so suffocating.

Whenever I was around Lip it felt like I had a million voices screaming at me, wanting me to let the monster out of the cage. So tired of the constant scratching, the constant sinking feeling. I knew these were my own twisted thoughts speaking but I couldn't help but listen, Lip deserved better than me. A girl who lies to him just to hide the truth. Maybe this was better, for us both.

I continued walking, one foot in front of the other until I felt a hand latch onto my forearm, I instantly jolted away unsure of who they were until I saw his concerned blue eyes, I knew he wouldn't leave me out alone long, probably thought I needed a second alone but he probably just made the worst mistake running after me. Now I had to hurt the guy that I love with my entire heart. My entire body.

"Look, Y/n. You're going through shit alright, but I'm here. Don't push me away. Because when I was going through shit, you were there for me alright" Lip spoke, he sounded so fierce with his words yet they were so soft as well, warming me from the inside out. Pushing away from the guilt that gnawed at me. He was the one thing that distracted me but how could he also be the one thing that brought it so heavily into my head. "Just... Just talk to me."

I tried to look away, knowing that what I had to say was something neither of us wanted to hear, but it needed to be said. I'd rather tell him this lie than tell him the truth. He'd hate me but I'd prefer it this way. That way he never knows or has to. I feel his hand press lightly against my turned cheek, lightly pulling me back to face him. Revealing the tears that had spilled down from my eyes and the tears building up in his. He knew.

"I can't do this anymore, Lip. I'm so tired and I just need a break from this" I say, his hand falters from my face slightly before he places his hand on my opposite cheek, now with both of his hands holding my face, I'm unsure of his next words but I don't stop "Us. I can't do us anymore Lip, It was never going to work"

He shakes his head, the tears fall "Shut the fuck up. Alright, shut up. You don't mean that — you can't mean that." He kisses me "We love each other." Another kiss "Whatever you're going through, doesn't have to make us end like this" He shakes my head — not hard — trying to rid the thoughts that had compelled me to do this, but I grab his wrists and pull away but he only fights back harder, grabbing my own wrists in his hands leaving us stuck. "You don't get to do this, not now. Please" He begs.

"Fuck, Lip." I think, think of a way to make him hate me... I got it. I let go of his wrists, so now he's only holding mine. "There's someone else. I've been seeing someone else. And I-" The lie feels like acid on my tongue, and my nostrils burn but I continue "I love him, I'm sorry Lip"

He hasn't said a word, he hadn't even looked at me. How do you even react to a bomb like this, we were happy and now this. What had happened, oh, that's right. I fucked it all up. But this was going to happen one way or another whether it was from this lie or the truth. He lets go of my wrists, I had already let go prior. His head was bowed, I felt shameful. I let him down.

He finally looked up at me, with those beautiful blue eyes I fell for, the ones that held love, concern, happiness but now... now they looked enraged, betrayed, disgusted. I'd had rather die than known this look from Lip. He never looked down at me as much as he did right now. Hell, he'd probably never seen me like that ever.

"Don't ever fucking come near me again" He turns away from me and continues the walk back to his house but he stops, he fucking stops and he turns before saying "I should've seen it coming, dating a skank like you" With those last venomous words, he leaves. I hear the door slam shut behind him.

I stand frozen, appalled by my lie. I fell to the ground, leaning against the gate to the house I was unsure of. I hated myself so much for hurting him, for losing his trust that I would never gain back. But I reminded myself it was better this way. It was, for the both of us.

Now he'd never have to know about our miscarriage...

***

He slammed the front door behind him, his mind was swirling and he couldn't think straight. He wanted to punch something or — preferably the guy that had been fucking his girl — someone. He ignored the looks of concern on his family's face who were all sitting in the living room getting ready to watch a movie.

Lip hadn't seen it when he first entered but there was a spot on the end of the couch, enough space for two people. You and him. You were always there for movie night, Debbie would have your head if you didn't come. He wouldn't be surprised if Debbie is more hurt by the break up than him.

It felt surreal when he finally made it to his room, glad that no one was inside. He wanted to breathe, he didn't want to break anything but he wanted to break things like you had broken his heart. But hell, not even he was that merciless. He wanted to scream his throat raw and cry his sockets dry. But he felt so numb, so lost, so conflicted on his emotions that it frustrated him more.

"Fuck!" He yelled, slamming his hand into the wall. Ouch. Bad choice. But after the pain seared away, he wanted to do it again. You left his mind for a split second there. He knew that his pain wasn't in his chest but his hand. So he did it again. And again. Again. Aga- He heard the door open and he stopped. After a second, the pain faded and it reformed in his chest, your smile fading back into his mind. Dammit.

He could tell by the perfume that lingered around him that it wasn't one of his brothers, but his big sister. He wanted to cry, he felt so weak under her stare. So broken. Like he was some rusty ass toy that she had just found at the back of her closet. So overused and fragile. That's what you caused. He hated you so much right now.

"Lip... Your hand." Fiona points out, he notices the blood but he's silent, he moves away from her and sits on Ian's bed with his head in his hands. He wasn't even sure she was still in the room until he felt the bed sink beside him. "What happened? Where's Y/n?"

Y/n... Just your name, that's all it took for him to relive the moment all over again. The tears falling down your face, as you told him the truth. The distance that you had created between the two of you was so noticeable it hurt him, had you been so careless on purpose, did you want him to hurt, what had he done to deserve such pain from you. The love of his life.

"She loves someone else..." He mutters, it's hard to hear the words come from his own mouth. He wants someone to pinch him so he wakes up to find you sleeping soundly beside him, head on his chest and your legs tangled together but this wasn't a dream, if it was anything it was his worst nightmare. "She fucking loves someone else."

Lip hadn't noticed but Ian was now standing at the door, he heard the words that were said and that seemed to hang in the air. None of them knew what to do with it so it stayed floating waiting for someone to say something but what do you say to someone that had just lose their other half.

"Are you sure? I mean it's Y/n we're talking ab-" Fiona tries to make sure she's hearing things right, she knew you, you loved Lip more than life itself. There was no fucking way you had found someone else, someone new to love.

"Seeing as she just fucking ending things with me because there was someone else might be a clear fucking sign of that" He snaps at her, he doesn't mean to but he can't find a way to diminish this anger. Lip was now standing before Fiona, anger clear on his face as he felt a hand land on his shoulder. He turned to see Ian. His brother had been there for him his entire life. And he was here now. Of course, he was. Lip couldn't help but give him a small smile before it fell and Lip looked at his brother hoping he had the answer "What did I do wrong?"

Ian shook his head as Lip fell into his arms, sobs racking his body as he couldn't hold himself up anymore. They had seen Lip cry but never like this, never to the point of barely being able to hold himself up.

He loved you with every bit of himself, and when he lost you, well, he lost as much as he loved with.

[jennrypan]

I rewrote the part where Scourge and Sonic have that "Just like me convo" so it can fit my au of them.

____________________

Fiona cheating on him with his anti didnt make Sonic angry..

Fiona actively lying to him didnt piss him off, maybe annoyed him..but it didnt piss him off.

What did piss him off however was how she antagonized Amy and Tails, and how she seemed to preen at the slightest attention Scourge gave her..because she wanted someone to protect her..someone to care about her, he didnt know..and what set him off was how she slapped Tails away, mocked him for crying and all to impress his anti! 

"What the hell Fiona!?" 

Sonic snapped, though this just caused the vixen to roll her eyes before she looked at him..god her attitude was grating his nerves,

"What?" She mused as if she didnt just slap his best friend for no reason,

That ..that made him scowl, and without warning he moved- he wanted to actually..throw her, her attitude annoyed him, her disregard for his friends pissed him off- he hadnt accounted for Scourge actually protecting her, as when he moved..so did the green hedgehog and before he could touch Fiona a fist crushed into his cheek causing him to let out a sharp grunt and lose his footing for a brief minute, instantly turning his attention towards Scourge..he still had that same sleazy smile..taunting. 

"Bad move, blue." 

Scourge drawled out, and Sonic just clicked his tongue watching as Scourge slowly paced around him..hes been itching to fight him for who knows how long..that much Sonic knew, but Sonic just hummed,

"Oh so you can help other people besides yourself, I was beginning to worry you had no redeeming qualities!" He stated sounding visibly amused, 

Scourge just scoffed lowly, "Please, thats not a redeemin quality, raise your standards." He sneered, and without warning he ran forward..and the fight began.

Amy had since charged at Fiona but Sonic could barely focus on that as Scourge kept matching him blow for blow..only thing was Scourge was a lot more violent..a lot more aggressive.

It wasnt everyday Sonic worked up a sweat fighting an opponent as not many people matched his speed..Shadow and Metal were the only ones..now Scourge had been added to that list of people that seem to want to kill him for no reason.

"Jeez its hard to believe someone so bitter could be me, like damn dude, did your favorite jacket get discontinued?" 

Even during this fight Sonic didnt stop being taunting, as he landed on top of a rock- narrowly avoiding being kicked into a tree, watching as Scourge turned towards him, his eyes were surprisingly still shielded by his shades but Sonic could still feel him glaring at him, 

Scourge moved again and this time he successfully swiped Sonics legs from underneath him and when Sonic fell the blue hedgehog instinctively moved to the side as Scourges fist came crashing into the floor were his head had previously been,

"Lets see you keep makin jokes when I break your fuckin legs." Scourge hissed- despite his words he sounded delighted by the thought, pleased with the thought of hurting him and hes use to this from Shadow and Metal, they were both assholes who worked with Eggman on their worst days and they just genuinely didnt like him that much but Scourge? Theyve only met three times before this and he didnt remember antagonizing the male enough to make him want to hurt him that much-

Scourge charged forward once more and Sonic quickly moved to the side, arm pulling back before he crashed his fist into the side of Scourges face as he had done to him earlier..knocking the shades from his face which caused his anti to pause briefly, glancing down at the shades for a millisecond as they landed on the floor, cracked and lopsided.

That millisecond was soon forgotten as Scourge retaliated..his body moved lower and his leg rose before he kicked Sonic straight in the chest causing the male to grunt, stumbling back at the force but the kick wasnt enough as Scourge had soon punched him in the stomach,

"God- I still got a few more jokes- first, those shades were lame anyways- not a joke but a fact!" 

Sonic stated quickly, jumping out of the way from Scourge once more as the male just growled,

"Im not takin shit from someone who thinks 'Way past cool' is a thing people actually say!" Scourge retorted, 

"Hey people said it before!" 

"No ones ever said that shit before!" 

It went on like this for what seemed like a few minutes with both of them arguing with each other, Sonic just wanted to see exactly why Scourge was going out of his way to hurt him- even trying to actually break his leg if he was given the chance..the rage was so weird..he knew antis were different but he didnt expect his anti to be so..angry,  so violent- his anti seemed more like a very verbal Shadow with the way he kept attacking him, 

"Ya know being an asshole isnt as rewarding as ya think it is right?" 

Sonic questioned- grunting when he got into a tree, thankfully avoiding Amy as she chased Fiona around still, she had tried to help but Fiona kept distracting her.

"Pfft, its more rewardin than wastin my time saving a buncha useless dicks who dont deserve it!" Scourge replied, sounding amused by the sheer thought of saving someone else...Sonic couldnt imagine not wanting to save people..yeah sometimes he thought some people didnt deserve it but still, 

"Youre still a Sonic! Still me- you should want to at least try and help people!"

"Why? Cuz thats what you do?" 

Scourge just laughed and without warning he moved forward..punched him in the stomach, then his chest- he didnt wait for a retaliation as he kicked him into a tree, he found with the purpose to bruise and scar while Sonic fought to distance and distract-

His head spun for a split moment, the wind knocked out of him, 

"You dont get it! Rulin people with fear and hate, is soo much better than tryna be some glorified saint!" 

Scourge stated, his eyes were blazing..the rage was back..he looked nothing like him right now..something was off, Sonic didn't like how unhinged he was,  how cruel- 

"That isnt true, and it never will be."

Sonic declared and Scourge just sneered at him, laughing, fist pulling back as Sonic quickly moved from his spot, his knuckles slammed into bark instead of Sonics nose,

"When you finally realize not everyone deserves to be saved, when you see how much more freein it is to be above people than to depend on them- you'll be like me, all it takes is one bad day, one bad situation and you'll see that." Scourge hummed out, side stepping as Sonic went to kick him, only to have his leg grabbed and he was forcefully thrown down, causing him to grunt lowly, and without warning Scourge stepped on his chest, Sonic could only stare at him for a brief moment before he just grinned- 

"Thats where your wrong dude, a bad day doesnt just make someone a villain..but a good day? A good day could change a lot, all it takes is someone showing you an ounce of kindness, someone showin you the love you never got and you'll be like me, a good person..maybe even a hero." He stated, grinning.

He expected another mocking laugh instantly, expecting Scourges foot to press down but for a brief minute..the green hedgehog paused, eyes widening ever so slightly, and for that minute Sonic was sure he got to him..he knew deep down Scourge wasnt evil, he could just show him he didnt have to be like this, he could help him..he didnt know anything about his anti besides the fact something was severely wrong with his mental state and he took too much enjoyment in hurting him but he knew he wasnt evil.

Then.. the green hedgehog just smiled, his expression hardening as if it hadnt changed in the first place, 

"How naive." 

He sneered and that slowly shattered Sonics hopes of getting through to him..he just dismissed his words-

"Not naive..hopeful." Sonic retorted, moving his arm to grab his ankle but his foot had moved towards his neck and Sonic jolted- the malice in his eyes was so..floundering..he could never imagine that look on his own face.

"Same thing." Scourge stated dismissively, and Sonic didnt get the chance to reply as a blur of yellow and brown crashed into Scourge, pushing the older teen to the ground successfully allowing Sonic to sit up instantly,

"Get away from him you bully!" Tails screamed, Sonic heard Scourge cursing and soon Tails was thrown back, causing Sonic to quickly move to catch him.

"Thanks bud." Sonic murmured, staring at Scourge who just fixed his jacket- appearing inconvenienced as Fiona neatly landing besides him as Amy ran up next to Sonic, "Stop running you coward!" The pink hedgehog hissed, Scourge just plucked out a warp ring from his jacket, just smiling at Sonic.. His smile was so..mean looking, it was too sharp..too fake,

"Til next time blue."  

Was all Scourge said in a sing song like voice as he let Fiona into the portal first and he followed quickly after just as Amy chucked her hammer in their direction, who she was aiming at specifically he had no clue.

"Dammit! Stupid! Assholes, ugh!" Amy screamed, storming over to snatch her hammer up,

"Theyre such bullies! Why did I even like her!" Tails exclaimed, Sonic just frowned before he sighed quietly, glancing from Amy to Tails. 

"Lets just go, theyre gone now, might as well enjoy the peace." He stated with a simple shrug, giving them a small smile, the smile made Amy visibly melt while it comforted Tails slightly, the young pink hedgehog was at his side instantly, clutching his arm- which he allowed for the time being while Tails was a little slower to approach him, still dejected.

He knew his anti despised him but he'll never get the reason why, and unfortunately..Scourge was too far gone to talk down from whatever path he was taking..the friendly route was no longer an option.

[darkpoisonouslove]

Here we are with more essays:

I don't think that Maeve was working with Fiona from the start. I think she said something about how the final plan was never going to work without getting Fiona's fingerprints on the gun or something like that so I think she was only working with her for a short time. Just enough that Fiona would trust her enough for her plan to work. Honestly I do wish we would have gotten a season 3 to see how the fallout between the sisters and Maeve and Janae as well would have proceeded. It hurt me a lot that Bronwyn was so angry at her. I know what she did was crazy dangerous but it worked out well enough. I was hoping they would hug it out but no such luck.

As for her reaction to the Jake thing, I'd just chalk it up to the fact that he was a monster and they didn't kill him on purpose. I have to admit that making them commit a murder - even accidentally - when they already spent such a long time being prime suspects in committing a murder was such a galaxy-brain idea. It complicates things even further for them on top of the fact that Jake's family is rich and could have sued them to hell and back even if they hadn't been suspects up until now and could have gone to the police.

Tbh, as much as I couldn't stand Jake and I was constantly dreading the possibility that Vanessa or someone else would uncover what happened and they could go to prison when they didn't deserve it, it was interesting seeing how Jake's family is dealing with the whole thing. I was a bit scared of his brother because he seemed to have some awful traits in common with Jake but I don't believe I thought he was blackmailing them (I can't remember anymore what I thought; it's been a year). It would have been too obvious. Anyway, seeing Jake's mother so brokenhearted was a great way to keep the situation complex and 3-dimensional because as much as Jake was the most hateful person in that show, his death still hurt those, who cared about him.

You know, it hadn't even occurred to me to look for a fic for season 3. I don't know why that didn't come to me as a possibility but yeah, I might try that as well when I'm in a fic-reading mood. The cancellations are such a slap in the face every time even though at this point I pretty much expect it. Capitalism is ruining art and it's heartbreaking.

Vanessa is so great in the show! Season 1 already added a lot of depth to her with her storyline there but season 2 absolutely knocked it out of the park. This is why I like the show more than the book - it just really loves its characters and tries to do everyone justice. Letting Vanessa explore her own skills and figure out she has the skills to do any task she engages with was really cool. And her deciding to work with the main four despite everything that happened was great. Showed that she can make choices based on the information she has and isn't just stuck in vengeful stubbornness. She did have a valid reason to hate Addy if not the others (because of what happened with their teacher) but she still focused on the right thing to do. Unfortunately, the book will be a terrible, crushing disappointment where Vanessa is concerned (and Simon as well). I have no clue if any of the characters appear in the sequel (my guess would be that at least Bronwyn does since she's Maeve's sister but she might be at college already so even that's not entirely certain).

Yeah, like I said, the book was slightly disappointing with how obviously it states the main 4's innocence pretty early on, especially considering the title. They are all lying about one thing or another but not about what happened in detention. The show did much better and like I said above, making them accidentally kill Jake after what happened was ingenious. I thought the new thing being a game of "Simon Says" was also pretty clever. The writers were really doing a labor of love and it worked out so well. Tbh I kind of disregarded Fiona exactly because she was the one who stabbed her teacher. I thought it'd be too obvious if it were her. As for who poisoned her, it could have been Cole or could have been someone else that we would have seen in season 3. I can't say that I really felt bad for Fiona because she was also terrible but I think the choice to make her yet another one of Jake's victims as he was just using her has very funny implications. Even in the second season he remains the true evil behind everything.

I feel that some of the nuances of Nate's character and his relationship with Bronwyn were lost in the show. I wasn't very fond of the changes made to their storyline in the show. I think that is one of the weakest points of the show but all the other improvements to the overall plot eventually won me over in favor of it versus the book.

I don't remember a lot of specifics from the book but I'm pretty sure Jake's secret was exclusive to the show. He's not really that much of a mastermind in the book but more a guy that saw an opportunity to hurt Addy for cheating on him and took it. I don't remember if they said where exactly he was during the summer but I don't think that subplot with all his photos being fake was in the book. So I think he was just on vacation and none of that ever happened.

Ooh, you watched One of Us Is Lying! I love that show! I read the book last year and I thought it was pretty good but then I watched the show and while I don't like some of the changes they made, I think the show is actually much, much better! It treats all the characters as people, not just our 4 main characters. It was definitely a big surprise and I'm glad to see you've enjoyed it too!

Yes!! Just finished it last week after watching it over a few months! I wasn't expecting to enjoy it half as much as I did, but the mystery each season really kept me on my toes! It was so hard to keep from binging it. Definitely gonna check the book series out! Do you know if the book series continues from the shows s2 cliffhanger? That finale was incredible, but the cliffhanger to finding out it was cancelled!! It's a shame the characters aren't as fleshed out in the books. I loved how the show got me to like characters I initially didn't. I'll probably have to mix book canon with tv show canon where possible.

I'm glad you enjoyed it! I gotta know, who were your favourite characters/ships and what were your favourite parts? Did you guess the murderer in s1 and/or in s2?

[m4ndysk4nkovich]

I know you talked about Sandy and Debbie before; but I avoided it because I didn't want to be spoiled too much; but I finally got to that and!! I don't really like Sandy?? I have abandonment issues too so I totally get Debbie and am on her side so maybe I'm biased but like Sandy's lack of communication really frustrated me + then her response to Debbie's emotions and insecurities being "you're a psycho" also frustrated me and overall I feel like Debbie deserves someone better than Sandy; fuck what Frank said

but I know you like Sandy and Debbie together so do you mind explaining why? maybe im missing something; and if youve talked about this before, you can just link me to that!

wow i love this ask so much

so i like them together, but once 11x05-11x08 hit i don’t really. i’m surprised i havent talked about this more, and if anyone wants me to i will, but sebbie and gallavich have so many parallels so i think that a part of why i liked them was because they’re very similar to gallavich.

^ and much like gallavich, they SERIOUSLY struggle with miscommunication. this is what ruins them, and this is what nearly ruined gallavich. one thing about them is that the way they were raised fucks with a lot of it. i think this applies to every single relationship every gallagher has been in (especially gallagher x milkovich ships, like gallavich and whatever lip x mandy was called) struggles with miscommunication because the way milkoviches are vs how gallagher’s are is very different. debbie was raised by frank, monica, and fiona. her perspective on what love was was seriously warped because she saw frank and monica’s love which was… well, you know, and then fiona and her many boyfriends who treated her like shit. on top of this, she has serious abandonment issues and is still yet to learn how to cope with them. in sandy’s case, we don’t know much about her childhood other than the fact that she was basically raised as mickey’s sister and got into a serious relationship with an adult at fifteen, so i don’t think it’s too absurd to assume that she didn’t have a great childhood.

sandy is more comfortable with leaving and has a hard time expressing her emotions. debbie doesn’t want anyone to leave her, ever, and can express her emotions but probably not in the most “healthy” way.

i think that i’m biased too because i also have abandonment issues so i get it. but idk.

they had potential, for sure, i think that the mere possibility that debbie could have a girlfriend who validated her emotions and stayed with her was great but unfortunately, it didn’t work out. that devestates me because i’ve talked about this many times, but i’ll say it again, debbie’s trapped in this endless cycle of attaching herself then being left, over and over again. it is literally her entire storyline.

i think that debbie’s feelings about not knowing a lot about sandy’s life were valid, i don’t know if i’d fully defend tracking her but hey, gallagher’s have done much worse- i don’t really blame her for wanting to know if her girlfriend was cheating on her or living a double life or what (*cough* jimmy-steve *cough*). but also, if i were sandy, i would be pretty pissed about that! regardless, why didn’t she tell debbie (her girlfriend of like, nine months at that point) where she worked or where she lived? i get that she was embarrassed but that’s your girlfriend, man. invalidating her feelings on that and calling her a pyscho wasn’t cool, but again, i’m biased and if i were her i wouldn’t be very happy. we have to remember the severity of debbie’s abandonment/attachment issues and how she thinks that’s okay and normal. she reached this point of feeling dependent on sandy and it makes sense that she freaked out the way she did.

but god, i hated 11x07. i mean, i loved it, but i hated it. i think it was a really realistic depiction of abandonment issues, and it was amazing for it’s awknolegment of debbie’s trauma (i wish we got more of that and i wish that people fucking listened to that part). overall, that was a very debbie-centric episode so i loved that, but god, the fight they had.

i have more to say but idk how to say it here, but i really liked sebbie in the sense that i thought they had potential, more potential than anyone else debbie had been with, but their ending was bullshit and i really don’t like the things that went down.

[nyarmand]

my ranking of the alex rider original series (stormbreaker through scorpia rising) from ‘book i least enjoy rereading’ to ‘book i most enjoy rereading’ let’s goooo

spoilers for all 9 books under the cut

9. Ark Angel

...He went to space. He went to space. Also the entire plot could have been avoided if Drevin had actually bothered to provide a photograph of his son. I’m sure he had one. I still like this book but it’s literally so insane that I just don’t know what to do with it. 

It is however really funny that Webber just goes and gives a speech insulting this super high-profile ecoterrorist group and acts like it’s no big deal and then they kill him. Shock of shocks.

8. Skeleton Key

Okay, points to this book for terrifying the shit out of me. God damn it does that shark scene scare me. Also, points for making me feel a little bit bad for a man who wants to nuke his own country because he thinks it will fix the place up. I’m still not entirely sure how that’s supposed to work, but that’s probably a good thing. I feel like understanding his thought process would say bad things about me. Still, I actually did feel sorry for him, if only a little. Dude was clearly mentally unstable and I doubt his son’s death helped at all. I also got sad about what happened to Carver and Troy. (Yeah, yeah, I’m a cringe fail American who has the American release. So sue me.) What a nightmare that must’ve been to endure... Otherwise, though, I’m not super into this book. The opening is just kind of meh and the way it leads into the rest of the plot seems a little bit unbelievable. Also, this might be an unpopular opinion, but Sabina annoys me. I would not get along with her at all and I can’t imagine her as a girlfriend. Skeleton Key does, however, absolutely excel at the emotional scenes. 

Also, why are all the spy agencies so comfortable with sending in a 14-year-old? Especially when they outright admit that the other attempts have all died horribly? Bureaucracy’s a bitch.

7. Point Blank

Boo, Dr. Grief! Boo! We hate your white supremacy! I’m so glad you got a snowmobile to the face, you deserved it. (Perks of books written by Jewish people--we aren’t afraid to give the neo-Nazis an unpleasant death.) Anyway, this book definitely isn’t bad, but I wouldn’t really say it stands out in the series. It definitely does hammer home the point of just how trapped Alex is, since MI6 isn’t going to just let him go after one mission, and let’s face it, the plot with the clones is creepy as hell, if highly improbable. But I’m largely just here to see the neo-Nazi get snowmobiled. That’s right, I just completely changed the definition of a pre-established word. I’m a rebel.

Also, I hate Fiona Friend so much and overall think she just didn’t need to be in the book, but the line about ‘I’d rather kiss the horse’ made me laugh so hard. Alex, you sass.

6. Snakehead

Okay, let’s talk about how genius the plan in this book is. I love it! I love how Yu wants to kill the people involved in the peace conference without making them into martyrs, so he comes up with this whole elaborate plan to stage a natural disaster. It’s incredible. This dude was thinking so far ahead. And he would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it weren’t for that meddling kid... But anyway, I don’t see a lot of books where the villain really acknowledges that killing their enemies could just cause more problems for them via turning them into martyrs for a cause. Also, the way he’s so polite and soft-spoken while also being a complete monster... This book genuinely gives me chills. Extra bonus points for the part in the hospital, the absolute nightmare of having all your organs slowly removed and sold off and everyone around you is being so nice about it? ‘Oh, don’t worry, Alex, it won’t be so bad. Here, take your medicine. Do you need anything?’ Literally just. What the fuck. 

Also Ash can fucking fight me. You put your own godson in horrible danger on purpose! You killed your best friend! Bastard. 

...And just in case the book wasn’t disturbing enough, Yu’s fate at the end lives in my mind rent-free and I think about it on a concerningly regular basis considering that the chances of that happening to me are so low they’re practically in the negatives. Damn you, Horowitz.

I would also be remiss if I did not mention just how much I love the tagline ‘once bitten, twice spy’.

5. Crocodile Tears

Ah yes, the book that kickstarted my drift away from the church... I kid, of course. I drifted away from the church for completely separate reasons. But Desmond McCain is always going to scare the shit out of me. The ability to kill countless innocent people while blissfully quoting Bible verses (that he takes wildly out of context and uses for his own self-serving means) is... well, I could actually say a lot about what that reminds me of, but I’m here to rate books, not religion. Moving on. This book has some really stellar antagonists, and the plot is chilling in a way that feels a lot more realistic than most of the other books. Even if some of it is a bit farfetched (sabotaging a nuclear power plant? Really?), the idea of using disasters for your own profit... well. I’m sure I don’t need to elaborate on why that is so believable. The Poison Dome is also a really cool and chilling scene--even Alex, who has the luck of the devil, can’t get out of that one unscathed. Further scares come in with the fate of Harold Bulman--imagine having your entire existence wiped and your identity changed while you were asleep! The breakdown he has over it is almost enough to make me feel sorry for him, even though he was ready to exploit a teenager and make his life a living hell just to turn a profit. Note the word almost.

Also. The opening makes me cry. Specifically the line talking about how Ravi’s kids would ‘never meet Mickey Mouse’. I lose my goddamn mind every single time I read it. That little personal touch turns the scene from a statistic to a tragedy. Once again: Damn you, Horowitz.

4. Stormbreaker

Yeah, this one gets the special cover shot. And why not? What we are looking at here is the birth of a legend. Move the fuck over, James Bond, Alex Rider is on the scene now. Anyway, yeah, this book is pretty damn spectacular. It has its stumbles, but as the first book in a series, that’s to be expected. Still, it pulls you in from quite literally the first line and keeps you going right up until the end. (If you came here from my post of memes, you know how much the line ‘Killing is for grownups, and you’re still a child’ destroys me.) It has the debut of much-beloved characters such as, of course, Alex--but also Jack Starbright, and of course, the best MI6 agent of them all, which is to say Smithers. Hell, even Yassen Gregorovich, especially once you get through Russian Roulette... Man, that was a rough one. 

Seriously, though. This is a really good book. The scene with the Portuguese man-o’-war still gives me the chills to think about. (Have you ever looked up pictures of those things? They’re beautiful, but holy shit will they make you regret being born. Nature is funny like that.) 

We also get the introduction of, of course, Alex’s patented sass (his response to Sayle saying he relates to the man-o’-war is HILARIOUS) and we get the inherent humor of Alex screwing up an alias one time and then just going by Alex for the rest of the series so he doesn’t do that again. Really, kid, I know you’re not a trained spy or anything but did you never play pretend growing up? Ever? You can’t pretend your name is Felix for a little while? That sounds like a you problem.

3. Scorpia Rising

I distinctly remember when this book came out, actually. I was on vacation at the time, and I remember my brother annoying the hell out of the poor workers at a bookstore we frequented there to see if/when they were going to get it in. They did, finally, and we bought it immediately, and I was of course absolutely desperate to read it. He got to read it first, though. -_-

This is a great book, an absolute emotional rollercoaster all the way through. The way Blunt tricks Alex back into service by staging a shooting was exactly the kind of cold, brutal behavior I’d expect from him. Seeing Julius come back was shocking, but very exciting, too. And Razim makes an incredibly chilling villain, with his absolute disregard for human life and his desire to measure pain. Also, seeing Smithers’s house was so much fun. Smithers in this book was just really fun in general, but he’s really fun in every book, so... nothing unusual there. But also, I want an unwelcome mat. Please?

2. Eagle Strike

‘But Penny,’ you might ask, ‘why is this book so high on your list? It has so much of Sabina in it, and you said she annoys you.’ That is true. What does not annoy me, however, is basically the entire rest of the book. I love the tense opening, and then reading through Alex’s real-life ‘playthrough’ of Feathered Serpent is still one of my favorite scenes. Cray is absolutely incredible as a villain, with the way that he truly believes in his cause--which is undoubtedly a good one! Yet the extremes to which he will go for that cause, and the fact that he very nearly succeeds, are what elevate him to one of the most dangerous villains in the series. That scene with Charlie Roper and the nickels is something I can never seem to stop thinking about. Actually, I think about it basically whenever I think about large amounts of money paid in small increments... 

Also, I really enjoy how he gets into the whole plot in the first place, and I really enjoy Smithers saying ‘ah, fuck it’ and helping him out anyway. Go, Smithers. You once again prove me right in saying that you’re the coolest adult in MI6.

The revelation that Yassen knew Alex’s father is one that absolutely blew my mind first time around. The way his life was threaded into the lives of the Rider family--he worked with John Rider, was saved by him, killed Ian Rider, and then died for refusing to kill Alex Rider--wow. Wow. It gets to me. It really gets to me. This book is a masterpiece. I heard that it’s going to be what the second season of the TV series is based off of, and I’m so hyped for that. We love to see it, we really do.

1. Scorpia

I don’t believe anyone who says this book didn’t get to them at all. I just think they are lying. I don’t think it’s humanly possible to not be affected by this book. God. Just thinking about it reminds me of why I don’t think it’s possible. I mean, come on. We get all this backstory about Alex’s parents, we get tricked along with him into thinking MI6 killed his father, then bam, that was a lie, and Alex may have just fucked himself over big time. Also, that plot is terrifying! (And I bet anti-vaxxers had a field day with it, huh.) Julia Rothman is a really great antagonist, one of the only ones who didn’t go and explain her plan in great detail to Alex--the fact that she didn’t actually being a plot point was something I personally found pretty clever. In general, this book is... I tend to hate when people say they ‘can’t put it down’ because it’s usually an obvious exaggeration, but that really is how I feel reading it.

And again. If that ending didn’t get to you... Well, I just think you are lying.

[bluesockets]

HUGO WEIDERMANN ( HE/HIM ) is a CIS MALE, THIRTY-SEVEN year old THERAPIST & PSYCHIATRIST who has been living in Moorbrooke for TWO YEARS. They were born on MARCH 5 and right now, they are currently residing in REDGRAVE GROVE. It has been said that they look suspiciously like MATTHEW GRAY GUBLER and if they had to choose a song to describe themselves, they would choose HEAVY BALLOON by FIONA APPLE. ( ox, 21+, cst, he/him )

❮ it grows relentless like the teeth of a rat it's just got to keep on gnawing at me !! ❯ TW : ILLNESS, DRINKING MENT. !

full name : hugo weidermann. nicknames : he actually hates most derivatives of his name. calling him ‘huey’ is a one way ticket to getting your number blocked. pronouns : he/him. age : thirty-seven. date of birth : march 5, 1984. zodiac : pisces. gender : cis male. sexuality : gay. hometown : munich, germany. current residence : redgrave grove. languages spoken : german + english.

BIO !

—— hugo was born into a moderately wealthy family right in the middle of munich, germany. his parents pushed a lot of their #grindset on him and his baby sister. unfortunately for him, this meant a future of perfectionism and unrelenting gifted kid syndrome. he sacrificed a lot of his social needs for grades early in his life and after a while, it all became second nature. once in a blue moon he’d talk to his peers in scouting but he’d stutter, stumble over his words, and never quite found the right things to say. figuring himself a lost cause, he studied. he helped his mom with the garden. maybe occasionally played half life or duke nukem on the family computer. all of this dedication to perfection made him a shoe-in for harvard university, all the way over in the united states. his parents, father especially, encouraged the idea. that was all he needed to get himself on a plane to massachusetts. he was just glad his family could afford frequent flights back home, in case everything went to shit. —— when he first landed, hugo thought he’d only be in the states for school, but he ended up liking it a lot more than he thought he would. after finishing school and taking up a residency in downtown boston, he moved to new york. he made a good amount of money, was able to keep in touch with the few friends he met in college, and even secured a few long term relationships along the way. he hit his thirties and finally felt that he reached a point of contentment. this ... didn’t last long. —— right before he was able to buy his first house in the city he fell ill and, after seeing more doctors than he could count on both hands and feet, was diagnosed with lupus and rheumatoid arthritis. this wasn’t something he thought he was going to be able to handle by himself, so his sister came down from her home in germany to assist him with his daily needs. the two of them definitely couldn’t afford new york and medical bills on hugo’s salary alone, which led them to pack their bags and head to ( what his sister considered ) the next best option. moorbrooke, maine !! he wasn’t too stoked about this. he’d be leaving most of his support system behind and he knew absolutely nothing about the area, but his sister found a job there and it was a good place for him to start a private practice of his own. he’s still struggling over the loss of independence and the complete change from where he was in life before, but he’s coping ! after spending a lot of time inside and away from the people of moorbroke, he finally thinks he might be ready to actually make a life here. even if he wasn’t, his sister isn’t gonna move the two of them any time soon.

TIDBITS !

he’s a very nice dude and will totally engage with people, he just cannot bring himself to let his walls down. you really gotta know hugo well if you wanna have a conversation about anything serious without him deflecting the whole damn time.

his accent .... god rest his soul. he’s been living here for 20 years and sometimes people still need to take a second to understand him. especially when he drinks. two beers in and the man needs a translator.

speaking of drinking, he doesn’t do it often, and he can’t hold his liquor. i’d actually advise people to never give him alcohol. like, ever.

was on the rowing team in college. please don’t ask him about it. he’ll talk about it forever.

if it weren’t for his dog and his bees he’d be at rock bottom. outside of writing ( which i will get to in a jiffy ), beekeeping is his favorite hobby. ask him nicely and he might give you a jar of honey.

before coming down with lupus and RA he wrote two very boring books for psychiatrists and psychiatrists only. now that his focus has shifted away from his career a little bit, he’s in the middle of writing a poetry collection.

you will find this man at every bookstore in a 10 mile radius. he can’t be in the sun for too long so instead he likes to look at stuff he promises himself he won’t buy and then buys it anyway.

CONNECTIONS !

clients

he’s got fifteen clients on his caseload just to keep himself from losing his mind. he specializes in family, grief, trauma, and stress but doesn’t limit himself too much because of how small the town is. what i’m saying is : let hugo prescribe your characters drugs.

fellow beekeepers

he’s kept to himself a lot during his time in moorbrooke but his sister used to force him out at least some of the time. she drives him to beekeepers association events and conventions often enough, i would imagine it’d be a lot easier for him to talk to someone who shares the same niche hobby !! if your muse doesn’t keep bees, i’m always down for him to talk to some of the people who buy his honey at farmer’s markets.

former close friends

hugo met a lot of people ( particularly on harvard’s rowing team ) in college and during his stint in new york. i’m sure it’d be great for him to meet someone he knew up here because he’s honestly so tired of having to get used to new situations by himself.

flirtationship but hugo is oblivious the entire time

this guy is definitely the type to flirt with people on accident. i think it’d be really fuckin funny if he was flirting back and forth w someone he wasn’t consciously flirting with in the first place.

😏

listen the only thing i love playing out more slow burn self improvement and found family is romance. he’s been single since he was in new york and i think he deserves a little smooch. please dm me if your muse is also deserving of a little smooch.

etc, etc, etc !

there’s definitely more i want. i want everything you have to give me. however, if you’re in need of specifics, i would love to see : his doctors, people he can become friends with + let his walls down around, people he can teach german to, other authors, beta readers, and neighbors !

what am i missing. ah, yes.

pinterest / spotify [coming soon!]

[gingerale2017]

Eat

So I took a while for updating this but I finally uploaded it yesterday. Anyways, here it is! (If you have Wattpad, please vote and comment on my story)

A full bowl of cat food looked back at Kai as he picked it up and sighed. She still didn't eat. It's been almost a week, and she still hasn't eaten. The veterinarians said that she might have an eating disorder since there was nothing else wrong with her. That didn't help. Cinder said that the vets were wrong and that she was dying.

Of course, Cinder said this smugly as she pet the gray-haired dog in her lap. Kai looked at Fiona, who was wandering around as a cat does and so skinny you could see her ribs. She drank but didn't eat. The dog started sniffing at Fiona's food, and Kai shooed him away.

Cinder walked in then, her brow furrowed as she read something on her port. She sipped a cup of coffee and set it on the little table in the pet room. She kneeled to rub Drew's fur and scratched him behind the ears, saying, "you're such a good boy" and "I missed you," the same way one would coo a baby.

Then, "Hey Kai." That's it. Not that he was jealous of a dog or anything.

"She still hasn't eaten," he grumbled and picked up the bowl again.

"Aw, maybe she realized that canned food is disgusting and reserved to eat out in the wild. Like catching birds and stuff, " she went to go sit on the big brown sofa, and Kai followed.

"No, Fiona's not a savage."

"She bit me once. Like a savage cat. Stars, I hate her."

"Drew scratched me once, but you don't see me calling him a savage dog! Besides, what are you're deal with cats anyways?"

"Nothing, it's just that cat," she wrinkled her nose in distaste.

"She's a wonderful cat," Kai paused before continuing, "maybe we shouldn't have gotten pets in the first place."

"We didn't have a choice," Cinder looked darkly at the window as if recollecting. He started to remember too. They were visiting Thorne and Cress at the Rampion, and while Cress went to go pick up food, Thorne managed to steal them for a hot second.

He called it: Captain Thorne's Marriage Counseling, even though Kai and Cinder didn't need it at all. Then he said that they should get pets, and immediately Kai said hamster. Thorne nodded, and the next time they met, he had a dog and a cat.

Kai immediately got in well with the cat and named it Fiona. She was a proud and stubborn cat with a sarcastic aura. She kind of reminded him of Cinder.

Cinder chose the dog and named it Drew. And that dog was so annoying. It always wanted attention and only enjoyed Cinder. It gets depressed whenever she was gone, and it got on Kai's nerves every single time. It was also stupid in a cute way; it would bump into a wall, but it was still adorable.

Also, to make matters worse, Cinder gave the dog attention. She had trained him to be depressed whenever she wasn't around and is now super attached to her. Whenever Kai tried to be romantic with Cinder, he was there. Whenever Kai wanted to get Cinder alone, he was there. Whenever Kai wanted to tell her something important, Drew was there. The dog was everywhere.

But, again, Kai wasn't jealous of the dog. Drew's just a dog. He couldn't steal Cinder from Kai's hands and run away to someplace exotic and get married. Right?

"Here, Drew, you wanna play fetch? I know you do," She said, waving a rope around. The dog yelped, and she threw the rope across the room and onto the couches. Drew jumped onto the leather couch and grabbed the toy violently. Then he jumped off and climbed in Cinder's lap, leaving the sofa tilted and the rug flipped.

Kai grumbled and went to fix the rug and couch. Also, the dog was messy.

"Still, this is a problem. We have to find out why Fiona is not eating."

"I'm sure she's going to be fine, " Fiona came out of her hiding place and prowled the couch Cinder was sitting in. She sneezed and brought her warmth to cover her mouth. Drew winced and placed his head in her lap.

"But-"

"You're going to the vet tomorrow, and maybe they might figure out what's wrong with her, " she sneezed again, and Kai began to worry.

"Are you alright?" he asked tenderly.

"Yeah, I might go to the med wing to find out why I can't shake this cold."

"Are you allergic? To cats?"

"No- there was a cat in my old apartment, and nothing ever happened. I'm sure I'm fine, " Cinder smiled her heavenly smile and got up, "we'll I have to look over a few documents, and I'll see you later, okay?"

He nodded. She pecked his cheek and walked away. Drew sighed and flopped on the floor, and stared at the doorway Cinder walked out of.

"Oh, get over it. You'll see her later, " Drew ignored him. He sighed and decided to take Fiona to the vet a day early. She needed to eat as soon as possible.

✩✩✩✩✩✩✩✩✩✩✩✩✩✩✩✩✩✩✩✩✩✩✩✩✩ (Cinder's POV)

Stupid cat. Stupid, crazy, irritating, always-in-the-way cat.

It wasn't Cinders fault that Fiona attacked her. It was self-defense! She didn't mean to shoot Kai's pet!

Cinder remembered trying to bond with Fiona when it downright attacked her. She brought her metal hand out, and the next thing she knew was seeing the black cat on the ground with a tranquilizer dart in the stomach.

She ran to the veterinarian as quickly as possible and gave it to vets there. They took care of her, and due to the medicine they gave Fiona, the cat might not eat for about a week. Cinder told them if her husband came by with Fiona, please say to him that nothing is wrong. Then she left.

With the stupid cat, she tranquilized in her arms.

Stars, Cinder hated Fiona. She would always pounce around the palace like she was the empress instead. And when she was around Kai, she would demand attention from him and stand proud as she deserved it.

But Drew, on the other hand, was the animal embodiment of Kai. He was dorky, cute, attention-seeking, and so easy to forgive.

But Kai loathed Drew, and Cinder couldn't understand why. They were like twins!

A sudden headache overtook Cinder, and she put a hand on the wall. The pain grew until she had to stop and grit her teeth. The headache disappeared as can't as it came, and she suddenly felt nauseous.

Gulping, she made her way to the elevator and asked the android operating it to head to the medical floor. She got inside and placed her cool metal hand on her forehead.

Once the doors opened, Cinder stumbled, and some people in white lab coats looked at her skeptically.

She made her way into the labyrinth known as the medical wing. The scent of multiple cleaning agents welcomed her.

When she finally made it to her doctor's office, she knocked and received a soft smile.

"Ambassador Linh-Blackburn, I wasn't expecting you, but still a pleasure, " the doctor said. She was shorter than Cinder and had a pageboy haircut. Her hair was onyx black and had striking red lips and bright green eyes.

"Good afternoon Doctor Zhao. I am sorry for not scheduling an appointment earlier; I think I have a virus of sorts. Do you have any extra time today for a check-up?"

"Of course, Ambassador Linh."

✯✯✯✯✯✯✯✯✯✯✯✯✯✯✯✯✯✯✯✯✯✯✯✯✯ (Kai's POV)

Cinder Please come to my room ASAP.

It was surprisingly hard carrying a cat and reading your port. Kai just came back from the vet and got unexpected results.

First, it was a new vet that checked on Fiona. Second, the vet accidentally revealed that Cinder had visited them this week with Fiona before she stopped eating. Third, the vet stopped talking suddenly and said that Fiona should be perfectly fine any time now.

Kai got a little suspicious.

Now Cinder just asked him to come to his room as soon as possible. He had a difficult decision to make. Either drop off Fiona in the 'pet room' that was actually a deserted closet they found near his office, or go to her room and take the cat with him.

The room was closer to him, and he was worried about Cinder, so Kai chose option two.

Once he got there, he rapped on the door and heard his fiancee welcoming him in.

"Hey, love, what's wrong?" he asked softly. He closed the door behind him and Cinder bundled up in the bed. Her voice was unusually raspy which Kai to be even more concerned.

"I have been diagnosed with a virus that's been going around the castle and I have a confession to make, " she bit her lip and fiddled with the beige blanket, "I truly am sorry in advance for what I'm about to say-"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, you're sick?! Why haven't you told me earlier?" she gave him a look for cutting her off but then saw Fiona and looked away as if ashamed. He dropped the cat and made his way towards the bed.

"Get back, I don't want you to get sick too, " Cinder thrust her hands up as Kai laid down next to her and moved the thin blanket higher up. She sighed in defeat, "I just found out today. Remember when I told you I was going to get myself checked out?" he nodded, "apparently there's some sort of virus and a lot of people went home because of it, and now I have it. Symptoms are nausea, headaches, vomiting, fever etcetera."

"Sounds fun, " she rolled her eyes. Kai brought her head to his chest and began to stroke it, "we'll get through it together."

Cinder snorted, "that was incredibly cheesy."

"I'm serious. I'd rather suffer with you than just watching you suffer alone." He kissed her hair, "what about the confession you were going to tell me."

She tensed, then pulled away from Kai. Waited for two, three heartbeats before continuing, "It's about Fiona, " she fiddled with the blanket again.

"What about her?" she gave him a 'are you serious?' look.

"Her diet? Remember she hasn't been eating all week?"

"The vet said that she'll get better any day now."

"No, I have to tell you why and how she stopped eating, " Cinder sighed.

When he didn't respond, she continued: "I was petting Fiona one day and then she downright attacked me and scratched my metal hand. I freaked out because I wasn't expecting that and I accidentally... shot her, " she moaned and brought the blanket to her head, "ugh these headaches, sorry. And I am very sorry for shooting your cat."

Her voice came to a whisper as if she was losing confidence with every line. Kai didn't know what to do at first, but then when she moaned in pain, his first instinct was to hold her and comfort her. But instead, he sat still as stone and could barely feel Cinders body against his.

"I know that you have every right to be mad and yell at me, but in my defense, she attacked me and it was simply, uh, self-defense, " she rambled, "b-but still, I should've controlled myself before shooting her, and I really am sorry Kai, and-" he covered her mouth with his hands and stared into her beautiful brown eyes. The same ones that happened to be synthetic, but still wonderfully stunning. Like her. Cinder may have some flaws (not her metal parts, obviously, those are perfect) but she still manages to make life wonderful. And she was stunning herself too.

"K-kai?" she asked after tenderly taking his hand in hers in her lap. He looked down at the hand that was holding his and brought the hard metal surface to his lips. He could feel her tense but ignored it.

"I forgive you, " he said with a smirk. Her wonderfully stunning eyes swelled with relief, "she 'attacked' you? And it was 'self-defense?"

"It was!"

They laughed in unison and their heads touched. They at there for a while, just enjoying each other's company.

She shifted and placed her head in his chest once again. "Hey Kai?"

"Hmm?"

"Thanks."

"For what?"

"For being an understanding boyfriend."

"Fiancée, " Kai corrected.

"Fiancée, " she coughed and shivered right after.

"I love you Cinder."

"I love you too Kai."

I'm so sorry for taking so long on this story, but I'm making a part 2 sometime later. Please forgive me, I need some extra inspiration on this.

*hint for part 2* remember the symptoms for the virus and Cinder randomly sneezing when Fiona was around.

Have a great day! -Angie

[writeblrfantasy]

as promised, here is some snowbaz fanfic (k words) this was a birthday gift for my best friend last year, who has a ferret which i became intimately familiar with over phone calls. this actually holds up, or so I think? anyway, enjoy!

snow's new ferret

This was all Baz’s bloody fault.

“Let’s go walking round London,” Baz had said, because it was Saturday, and neither of them had homework, and he was trying to be romantic and spend some quality time with Snow for once. “We might even find a place with sour cherry scones."

“None as good as Watford's,” Snow had said, but grinned and hurried to pull his shoes on, tripping over his own feet.

Look where romance got him, because now Baz was hovering behind Simon in a pet store of all places while he excitedly chatted on the phone to Bunce. Both of them were squeaking and squealing over the small brown ferret in Snow’s hand. Bunce sounded like she’d have given anything to see it.

“Ooh, Penny, can we keep him?” Snow asked for the millionth time. Baz rolled his eyes.

“Yes, yes, of course! I’ll…” Bunce’s voice faded out as Baz stared the ferret down. Its beady little black eyes, eyes of a demon. It was creepy, but also strangely cute.

Baz glared at it, but its gaze never wavered.

Before he knew it, Snow was off the phone and smiling at him. “We’re getting it,” he said stupidly.

“Yes, I have ears, Snow,” Baz retorted, but Snow was already wandering off to the pet shop owner.

***

“Cherry Scone?” Baz demanded. “You named it Cherry Scone?”

“She, not it, Baz,” Snow said instinctually. He was too distracted by the ferret cradled in his hands. It already had a full cage set up in Simon’s room, decorated with stickers and beads. It was gaudy, in Baz’s opinion, and entirely unnecessary.

But Simon grinned and lit up looking at it, so Baz was okay with it, he supposed.

That was until the fateful Wednesday evening.

Baz had just gotten through a tiring day of classes, and all he wanted was a drink, some food, and to kiss his boyfriend.

A blood bag and leftover pizza was guaranteed to be in Simon’s fridge, but he didn’t get his usual hello kiss by the door. Instead, the Simon opening the door was distracted and fretting.

He was moving away before Baz could even lean in. “What’s wrong?” Baz asked, setting his bag down on the couch.

“Cherry Scone’s disappeared,” Snow said, looking under the blanket on the couch, carelessly moving Baz’s bag away to look there. “Can’t find her anywhere.”

“Don’t you and Bunce have schedules for watching it?”

“Her, not it, Baz,” Simon muttered, shaking his curls out of his eyes to search under the couch. “And yes, but Penny’s out tonight.”

“Out? Where?”

“New bloke she met on flinder.” Snow checked under the tv stand, behind the tv itself, then disappeared into Bunce’s room.

“I sincerely hope you mean Tinder.” Baz went into the kitchen to get said blood bag and pizza. After a drink and a bite, Snow still wasn’t out, so Baz followed to check. He found Simon on her bed, head in his hands.

“Snow? What’s wrong?”

“I can’t find her anywhere.” Snow’s voice wavered, like he was actually crying. Baz’s heart ached. “She was just running around in my room, and me and Penny let her run round the flat after always checking the doors and windows are closed… I don’t know where she’s gone, Baz, she’s supposed to be in her cage by now, what if she-”

“Hey, hey, don’t go there. We’ll find her. We will. Come here.” Baz went to hold Simon close, and though he felt shame at feeling this way, there was nothing quite like the warmth of holding Simon in his arms.

Simon relaxed for a moment before tensing up again. “Can you help look? I know you’re not the most fond of her, but…” With the way Simon was looking at him, blue eyes wide and sad, how could Baz ever say no?

“Of course, Simon, of course.” Baz reluctantly let go and got up, leading the way into Simon’s room. He made a beeline for the cage, where, just like he’d guessed, Cherry Scone was safely sitting, the door still open. She stared up at him with those beady black eyes. Baz stared back, hesitantly lifting her out, at a distance in case she’d bite. She didn’t, but she did stare at him while he carried her to Simon.

“Was in her cage,” Baz said, handing her to him. Simon’s eyes lit up like it was Christmas.

“Oh, Baz, thank you!” He leaned forward and gave Baz the heated but chaste kiss he’d first wanted. Baz’s lips tingled, and he hoped for another one, he hoped Snow would put the ferret back in her cage and leave her there. Baz allowed himself to dream about a good snogging session on the couch, maybe with the pizza box open on the coffee table and the tv playing something insignificant in the background…

But Snow was already taking the damn thing to the living room, talking sweetly to her, promising some treats.

Over Snow’s shoulder, she watched Baz until Snow disappeared around the corner.

***

Normally, walks to the park were just that. Walks to the park.

They were often romantic. Baz and Snow had had more than one picnic date there, even with all the ants and bees. To see Snow, disaster that he was, get biscuit crumbs all over himself and still grin about it was more than enough.

Besides, there were a fair amount of plump birds in the park for Baz.

But of course, Baz should’ve known better than to think this park date would be like every other.

“I still can’t believe they make bloody leashes for those things.” Baz shook his head. Snow grinned, eyes sparkling as he looked down at the ferret, scuttling along on the ground.

You used to look at me that way, Baz thought, then berated himself for being so pathetic. At least Snow was still holding his hand and brushing shoulders with him, walking slowly and leisurely like they used to, and maybe if Baz turned his head he could steal a-

“Hey!” The warmth of Snow’s hand left his, and Baz opened his eyes from his daydream to watch Snow running after the ferret. She’d escaped his hold on the leash. Of course. It was bound to happen.

“Baz, c’mon, help!”

With a sigh of resignation, Baz jogged after him.

***

Baz should’ve known the words, “Love, could you watch Cherry Scone for the day? Penny’s visiting family and I have class, and you don’t, so…” would never end well.

But Simon had called him love, and he’d been looking at Baz with love in his eyes as he said it, and however could Baz resist that?

Now, he realized he probably should’ve tried much, much harder. He should’ve floundered up an excuse or something, “Oh, I need to go get kidnapped by numpties again, be back tomorrow, don’t forget to tell Fiona,” because this was utterly ridiculous.

How could Snow ever love something so determined to make life miserable? Baz’s mind helpfully placed himself in that spot, but he shoved the thought away, because Simon’s beloved ferret was currently terrorizing the kitchen.

“If you wind up in the actual cherry scones, I don’t think even Snow would forgive you,” Baz told it, reaching out and unsuccessfully grabbing it. It scrambled along the kitchen counter, jumping, looking like it was trying to climb the fridge. Baz cupped his hands and tried again, but it jumped, scratching him in the process. Baz swore.

“You really are a devil, aren’t you?” Baz snapped, running his finger under the tap. Where had the bloody thing gone?

A mighty clatter rang through the kitchen. Baz slowly turned around, dreading what he’d find.

The ferret had gotten into the jam jar. No, more like it had knocked the jam jar off the top of the fridge and landed next to the remains.

Baz swore again and bent to check it. It was fine, just covered in red, and the broken glass was far away. Thank god Simon wasn’t here; Baz shuddered at the thought of all that worrying. Though if it meant pulling Simon into his arms to console him…

“I have half a mind to just leave you here,” Baz said to it, grumbling as he picked it up. He took it to the bathroom, because Simon had told him it needed a bath sometime that day, so he wouldn’t question it. “But I love him too much for that.” He placed it in the bath, turning on the water. “If you make him happy, so be it. I can live with you.”

***

Yeah, that wasn’t going to last.

Baz was simply sick of it. The bloody ferret had all of Simon’s attention, and nearly all of his heart. At least, Baz hoped there was still space there reserved for him.

Either way, she was putting Baz out of a job. Whenever Simon got anxious or sad now, he’d hug the ferret instead of reaching out to Baz. She was always in his lap, always being fed treats while he stroked her fur, always looking up at Baz with those evil eyes.

Baz was tired of it all. He was practically invisible to Simon now, and Simon would just nod and make noises whenever Baz talked, told him about his day. As if he didn’t think Baz would notice.

Bunce found it all hilarious. Simon was oblivious as usual.

As annoying and humorous as it was that Simon had chosen a bloody ferret over Baz, in some ways it did genuinely hurt. He hated to feel that way, but he hated more that the only kisses he got from Simon these days were when he did something for the ferret.

It was all building up to one fateful evening at Snow’s flat. Penny was on another date with that bloke from Tinder--Baz couldn’t even remember his name, but Bunce seemed to like him well enough, and Simon apparently approved. Baz would still need to meet him, give him an effective talk, before he had his approval as well. Bunce deserved only the best.

It was the same old situation. Baz had memorized this dance they did. Knock, Snow opens the door, distractedly says hi, because the ferret is in his arms, wriggling to get away. He puts it over his shoulder with one hand on its back, Baz comes in, Snow shuts the door. Snow walks over to the couch with the ferret, Baz goes to the kitchen--except tonight he doesn’t.

Baz instead followed Snow to the couch, ignoring the surprised eyebrow raise Simon gives him. They were going to have this conversation like mature, civilized adults. Baz would explain what was bothering him, hope Simon would make a change, and that would be that.

“Baz? What’s wrong?” Simon asked, and it hurt that that was more attention than Simon usually paid him these days.

“Nothing, I--”

Damn his default deflections. “Actually, something. I- ever since you got the- the ferret, I can’t but feel like, I, uh…”

After a pause that was definitely too long, Simon gently prodded, “What?”

It didn’t help that he was still absently stroking its back. “That you pay more attention to it than me,” Baz blurted. His cheeks immediately bloomed red. “I--just--you don’t smile at me as much as you used to, you’re always tending to it--her, you only kiss me when I feed it or watch it for you or find it when it gets lost--”

“Baz--”

“You know what, it’s fine, forget I said anything, Snow, I--”

“Baz--”

“Really, I’m good--”

“Baz!”

Baz finally dared to look up. Simon's face was pinched. “I’m sorry. I didn’t realize. Penny did warn me, but I didn’t think it would…I don’t want to choose between the two of you,” Simon said softly, his eyes gentle and caring when he looked at Baz and goddammit Baz do not cry--

“Well you have been,” Baz snapped, because if he can’t cry, he’ll be angry. He felt himself go red, angry and defensive and hurt, and he cursed himself for drinking before this.

“I’m sorry,” Simon said again, shifting the ferret on his lap, and even that hurt Baz a little bit. “What would you like me to do?”

Baz floundered. He hadn’t honestly, expected to get this far. “Uh, make some time, like when I’m over, where you put the ferret away? It has to sleep sometime, surely.”

“Yeah, at night.”

“Well…can you put it in its cage when I’m here?”

After a breathless second, Simon smiled- at him this time, not the ferret- and said, “Yes.” He looked down at his lap one more time, smiling, and this time it didn’t hurt at all. Simon loved them both, and Baz knew that now for sure, even if he had always known it.

“Would you like to pet her before I put her away?” Simon asked, and Baz realized that he’d never really felt it. Yes, he’d picked it up to give it a bath and help it out of the jam mess--something he had still not told Simon about--but he hadn’t taken notice of the texture of its fur. He was usually too annoyed at it for that.

“Yeah, fine.” Baz scooted closer to Simon on the couch, feeling heat radiate off him, and as much as he wanted to just forget about the ferret and be close to his boyfriend, this would make Simon happy.

So he pet it. It looked up at him, quite distrusting, but slowly warming to him. At least tolerating him. “It’s--it’s quite soft.”

“She is.” Simon grinned, then finally, bless, got up to put her away.

The minute waiting for Simon to come back was the most agonizing of Baz’s life, like this was their first kiss and not their 1000th. Finally Simon sat back down, smiling, and leaned over, taking Baz’s hot cheeks in his hands to give him a long, sweet kiss. It left Baz’s insides warm, his lips burning, and all he wanted was more, more, more--

And Simon let him have more, he gave as good as he got, pushing closer to Baz, letting Baz lick into his mouth, giving one last long kiss before pulling away.

Baz was breathless. Simon was golden.

“Thank you,” Baz said, surprised to hear his own voice so low, panting the way he was. Simon smiled, his sun, his golden boy, and kissed Baz again.

Forget about bloody ferrets for now.

[lovelivresse]

A non-exhaustive list of reasons why Baz needs therapy

those are only the examples I could think of when I wrote this, there are probably other things

That boy is suicidal or “I don’t have a death wish” my ass or RAINBOW PLS ADDRESS THIS 

“Stake through the heart?” he asked, falling back into the corner and resting an arm on a pile of skulls. “Beheading, perhaps? That only works if you keep my head separate from my body, and even then I could still walk; my body won’t stop until it finds my head.… Better go with fire, Snow, it’s the only solution.” (Carry On, Chapter 17) Baz… Baby… You know too much about how to kill a vampire. Also, talking about the boy he loves killing him, and genuinely believing that the boy he loves would kill him… not cool

“She would have killed me.

She would have faced me, what I am, and done what was right.” 

and “He will … Finish me.

Snow will do the right thing.” (Carry On, Chapter 40) He thinks of him dying as something that’s “right” TWICE, and also the whole being killed by loved ones thing… Baz you need a hug

[about the fire] “This is what I deserve” (Carry On, Chapter 60) NO IT’S NOT 

“I could hear him singing, even after I’d been walking for ten minutes. “Ashes, ashes—we all fall down.” (Carry On, Chapter 17) This one doesn’t really count, it just hurts my feelings that the part of the song Baz is singing that is highlighted is the one about ASHES. 

So in conclusion, after his LITERAL SUICIDE ATTEMPT it’s never addressed again that he has some serious suicidal tendencies. He says he doesn’t have a death wish and that’s all, it’s completely overlooked after that when CLEARLY, he HAS a death wish.

Fucked up things that seem to have impacted him the most or you think that Fiona is a better parental figure for Baz than Malcom but she isn’t really, Baz is just biased

“I know fuck-all about vampires. It’s not like I got an instruction pamphlet when I was bitten.” (Carry On, Chapter 30) A BIG part of who he is is completely unknown to him. As seen before, what he knows best about vampires is how to kill them. On top of that, even the things he thinks are true about vampires aren’t necessarily (Lamb can bite a human without killing or turning them) and he gets mixed signals (Nicodemus seems to age normally while Lamb is something like hundreds of years old and he still looks like he’s in his thirties)

“I don’t think my father ever would have mentioned it, even if he’d caught me draining the maid [...] Though he’d much prefer to catch me disrobing the maid.… (Definitely more disappointed in my queerness than my undeadness.)” (Carry On, Chapter 40) Malcolm’s complete lack of acknowledgement of Baz’s vampirism + Baz thinking that his sexuality is even a bigger deal to his father than his vampirism. He has those two things that are both parts of his identity that he didn’t choose and that are both considered to be something bad by his father, that CAN’T be easy and it definitely caused him a lot of shame and self-hatred. We have the point of view of 18-year-old Baz, I’m not sure he would be nearly as okay with his sexuality as he is if we were in the head of the Baz who just came out/thinks of coming out to his father

“My father never acknowledges that I’m a vampire—besides my flammability—and I know he’ll never send me away because of it.

But my mother?

She would have killed me.

She would have faced me, what I am, and done what was right.” (Carry On, Chapter 40) Once again, Malcolm’s complete lack of acknowledgement of Baz’s vampirism + the fact that Baz thinks his mother would have KILLED HIM if she knew he was a vampire. 

“He swings his wand and practically howls, spraying fire all around us. “This is what my mother would want for me, you idiot. [...] “My mother died killing vampires,” he says. “And when they bit her, she killed herself. It’s the last thing she did. If she knew what I am … She would never have let me live.” (Carry On, Chapter 60) Natasha wanting him dead because of his vampirism is something that’s mentioned again after chapter 40, here in chapter 60, which shows that 1) the opinion his mother would have of him really matters to him 2) he believes this opinion would have been VERY negative 3) he doesn’t even CONSIDER the option that his mother might have loved him enough to accept that he had been turned

“My father still isn’t ready to admit I have a boyfriend, and it would be too exhausting, living in a place where I have to pretend I’m not a vampire or hopelessly queer.” (Carry On, Epilogue) Malcolm please stop ignoring most of who your son is I’m begging you

I also wanted to say a few words about Fiona because I feel like in general we (as in, the fandom) really see Malcolm’s bad behavior towards Baz but not Fiona’s, while she’s also far from perfect. She saved him from the Numpties, that’s a good thing, that’s what we see, but look : “She berated me all the way home, and all the way back to Watford. She made me sit in the back seat of her MG. (A ’67. Glorious.) “The front seat is for people who’ve never been kidnapped by bloody numpties. Jesus Christ, Baz.” 

The front seat thing is a joke now but when you really think about it and when you focus on that whole paragraph and not just Fiona’s words, this is the situation that is presented : Baz just spent 6 WEEKS locked in a coffin, starved, not knowing what would happen to him, and instead of, I don’t know, TRYING TO COMFORT HIM, his aunt “berates” him, as if he was the one to blame in this situation. Jesus Christ, Fiona, give the boy a hug and ask him if he’s okay instead. 

And then there’s this : “Then the Coven made her a vampire hunter” (Carry On, Epilogue) That part would have fit better in the 3rd category but since I’m talking about Fiona let’s put it here. SHE LITERALLY KILLS VAMPIRES AS A JOB. I love Fiona but it makes me so angry whenever I think about it. I don’t know, I feel like a NORMAL PERSON wouldn’t become a VAMPIRE HUNTER when their nephew IS A VAMPIRE. That must fuck Baz up so bad that she does that, even if he doesn’t even realize it himself, and I hate that the impact of Fiona killing vampires for a living on Baz isn’t tackled at all.

So in conclusion, Baz thinks that is father is disappointed in him for existing, basically, he thinks that his mother would have wanted him dead AND KILLED HIM for what he is, and then there’s Fiona

Other fucked up things that are just barely mentioned or RAINBOW PLS ADDRESS THIS part 2

“He slipped a flask out of his jacket and took a swig. I didn’t know that he’d been drinking” (Carry On, Chapter 17) Baz was drinking. Was it a one time thing? Did Simon somehow catch him the ONE time he got drunk in the Catacombs? If it was not the first time he went there and got drunk, did he have a problem with alcohol in fifth year? I NEED ANSWERS 

“Of course I’ve read Anne Rice. I was a 15-year-old closet case whose parents pretended they didn’t notice when the family dog disappeared” (Wayward Son, Chapter 22) Once again, his family doing a poor job when it comes to handling his vampirism but we've been over this. INSTEAD CAN WE TALK ABOUT THE FACT THAT HE FED ON HIS DOG, AN ANIMAL THAT HE VERY PROBABLY LOVED, BUT THE BLOODTHIRST WAS JUST TOO STRONG TO RESIST???????? It must have been so difficult and traumatizing for him, and it’s just dropped like that in the story like it’s nothing while I’m over here crying about it