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omg-imagine · 5 years ago

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⊱ Forget Me Not (7/15) ⊰

Pairing: Keanu Reeves x Reader

Summary: After you wake up from a coma and realize that your memories from the last five years have been erased, Keanu works to bring back what you have lost.

Words: 3.6k

Warnings: None

A/N: So sorry for the delay! I was super busy and wasn’t able to finish writing in time to post yesterday. Anyway, it’s sort of filler chapter this week but definitely one of my favorites to write so far.

Also, we’ve reached the halfway point of the story and things will start picking up in the next few chapters! There may or may not be smut in an upcoming chapter and if I do end up writing it, I’ll give a heads up in the warnings.

Again, thank you so much for the lovely feedback and I hope you enjoy!

Part 6

Staring up at the ticking clock on the wall, you silently counted the hours that have passed since Keanu had gone to the Arch office to take care of a few business matters. It was the first time he has left you home alone, and truth be told, he was a bit more worried than he should have been. You, however, were adamant that he went ahead, not wanting him to neglect his responsibilities in favor of babysitting you.

After finally convincing him that you can handle being by yourself, Keanu left, slightly reluctant but keeping his promise of not allowing circumstances to interfere with his life. Once he arrived, you had received occasional text messages from him, replying to each one sincerely just to give Keanu some peace of mind. He was sweet for checking on you, and you couldn't really blame him for his overprotectiveness. You knew that it would come to pass when everything goes back to normal.

Or, so you hoped.

Even though you were glad that Keanu was working again, you couldn't help but miss him. Despite only being away for nearly six hours, the silence in the house was getting to you. You've kept yourself occupied by doing a couple chores around the place. Every room was spotless by the time you finished cleaning, leaving you with nothing else to do for the rest of the day.

Frankly speaking, you were beginning to feel a bit stir crazy being stuck inside. Sure, you've done grocery runs with Keanu and go on long walks with him around the neighborhood every morning, but you had yet to explore what Los Angeles had to offer. You wanted to check out the popular tourist spots, see the famous Hollywood Sign with your own two eyes, and hit up the shops on Rodeo Drive. Maybe even hike a trail at Griffith Park or drive down Sunset Boulevard where towering palm trees flanked the street.

You were just about to text Keanu and ask what time he was coming home when you heard the deep, rumbling sound of his motorcycle outside as he parked on the driveway. Swiftly, you hopped off the couch, dashing out of the front door just in time to catch him swing a leg over the saddle before dismounting.

As you approached Keanu, you couldn't stop yourself from staring as he took off his helmet, running a free hand through the length of his dark, disheveled hair, unaware of your presence. Unzipping his black leather jacket, you watched as he pushed back his sunglasses onto his head, revealing his rich brown eyes.

Obviously, you were very attracted to him. And to this day, you wondered how a man like Keanu chose you over anybody else.

"You okay there, Y/N?" Keanu asked after turning his head and meeting your widened gaze. He chuckled under his breath as the heat rose to your cheeks, realizing that he had caught you gaping at him.

"Uh, y-yeah. Yeah, of course," you stammered, covering up your embarrassment with a shy smile. "How was work today?"

"It was productive," he answered with a nod. "It's actually a good thing that I went today because there was an issue with getting parts to make a client's bike, but it all worked out in the end. Sorry for leaving you home alone. You must have been bored, or maybe grateful that you got a break from me."

You laughed at his attempt at adding a joke in there. "Honestly, I was extremely bored. I did some vacuuming and laundry around the house and a bit of light reading afterwards. But I'm happy you got work done today. Imagine what your client would say if he found out you weren't available because you were too busy watching over your girlfriend."

"Girlfriend?" Keanu repeated as if he couldn't believe what he had just heard.

"Isn't that what I am to you?" you inquired, slightly nervous. Not because of Keanu's reaction, but of the word that slipped out of your mouth. It was the first time you admitted out loud that you were Keanu's girlfriend, and it made it somehow feel a little more real.

"Yeah," he spoke, his eyes lingering over your features. "You're my girlfriend, but you're so much more."

You smiled sweetly at Keanu, silently exchanging affectionate glances with him until you found your voice again. "Can we go out and do something today?"

"Like what? Do you want to go to a park or see a movie?"

Suddenly, an idea sprouted in your mind. "I want you to take me to where we had our first date."

"Our first date?"

"Yes," you nodded eagerly. "I know you told me the story about it, but now I really want to go see the place for myself."

"It's Saturday, Y/N," Keanu pointed out. "It's going to be busy there. Are you sure?"

"I'm sure, Ke. It's gonna be fun," you giggled. "Be right back, I'll grab the car keys."

Quickly leaning up to kiss him on his cheek, you sprinted back inside the house, almost tripping over your feet from the excitement rushing through your veins. You missed the look of amusement on Keanu's face, however, as he watched your retreating figure, a smile tugging at his lips.

---

The traffic, although currently better than most days, was still horrendous. You had taken at least two naps in the car only to wake up and find out that Keanu had only driven five miles each time. Not even the calming sight of the blue Pacific waves on the right was enough to keep you distracted from the torturous wait.

"How much longer?" You asked him with a whine.

"According to the GPS, we still got 25 minutes to go," Keanu replied, briefly glancing at you. "Funny enough, you were also this impatient years ago. You hated traffic, and you were practically begging me to exit the highway and do this some other time."

"I'm not surprised," you shook your head as you cracked open the window, allowing the fresh ocean wind into the vehicle. "Why couldn't we just have dinner like a typical first date?"

"This was actually your idea back then," Keanu recalled with a small chuckle, making you roll your eyes. "But like you said before, it's going to be fun when we get there."

"If we get there," you sighed deeply.

"Hey, don't be like that. It's just traffic, you'll learn to tolerate it eventually."

Laughing, you glanced back at Keanu. "I sure hope so, or else I'm moving back to New York."

A few minutes went by, and you were too busy staring out of the window to notice Keanu suddenly switching to the right lane until he called out your name.

"What is it?" You said, watching him point at an upcoming mile marker.

"That's the exact place where we met for the first time."

As he said those words, the car slowly passed by the small green sign with a printed digit. Turning your head back to look at Keanu, you noticed that he was smiling adoringly, not at the spot he had mentioned, but instead, at you. Seeing it made your heart flutter, and you thought about how funny the universe worked. It had brought two strangers together nearly five years ago, resulting in a seemingly perfect love story.

Keanu's voice drew you out of your reverie. "What are you thinking?"

"Nothing serious," you told him. "I was just wondering again how life could have been different if I hadn't met you."

"And what do you think it would be like?"

You pondered for a moment, comparing the life you could remember with the one you had now. Even though you still felt a bit lost in this new world of yours, you couldn't recall the last time you were this happy, safe, and loved.

Facing forward, you gazed at the stretch of highway before you. "I think it would have been lonely."

---

You were twelve years old the last time you visited a boardwalk by the beach. Your parents had surprised you with a trip down the shore just before school started, and you stayed one night at a cheap motel that was only a block away from the water.

You remembered all the funnel cakes they bought you, the games they spent a lot of money on just so you could win a stuffed toy. You could still hear the clickity-clack of the wooden coaster, and how much you both enjoyed and feared the thrill of riding it. And at the end of the day was the firework show, which became the most memorable part of the trip.

As Keanu guided you up the wooden walkways, you felt a sense of nostalgia as you glanced around the Santa Monica Pier. It was a lot bigger than the one you've been to and had far more people exploring the boardwalk all throughout. Standing by the entrance, you could already see the ferris wheel and the rollercoaster just to the side of it. You felt like a little kid again as you looked around, not knowing exactly where to start.

"If we're doing this like our first date, we should have a round of water race," Keanu suggested, offering you his arm to which you happily took it.

"Lead the way, Reeves."

Arriving at the booth, you and Keanu took a seat at the two vacant spots before he handed the game operator $10 to play. You glanced at your side and realized that you were playing against three children who looked as though they had more experience than the both of you combined.

"Oh god, I don't want to lose to ten-year-olds," you whispered with a light-hearted laugh. "I suck at this game, are you at least any good?"

Keanu arched his brow with a slight grin. "Are you kidding me? I'm better than you."

Playfully punching his shoulder, Keanu then shot you a wink before the operator announced that the game was about to start. Gripping on the metal handlebars, you shut one of your eyes and aimed your gun at the target in front of you. At the sound of the bell, you pushed down the trigger, the stream of water hitting the target directly, and you quickly glanced up to see what place you stood.

"Gee, Ke," you chuckled after seeing how he compared to you and the other players. "I thought you were good? Those kids are beating you!"

"I didn't say I was good. I said I was better than you," Keanu smirked as the buzzer went off, signaling that someone had won, and it was neither you or Keanu that did.

"Well, you still got beat by a little kid. What's your excuse for that?"

Keanu got off the stool, pulling you up on your feet as well. "You were distracting."

"Distracting?" You scoffed playfully. "What did I do that got you all distracted?"

"You sitting there pretty was enough to make me lose focus," Keanu revealed.

"So, what do you want me to do? Stop being pretty just so you can win?"

Shaking his head, Keanu reached down and grasped your hands in his. "You can never stop being pretty, no matter how hard you try."

Walking further down the Pier, Keanu stopped when he reached a booth where a Shoot the Star game was set up. Convinced that he would be able to win you a prize by playing, Keanu slid a bill across the counter to start the game, picking up the BB gun before aiming it at the paper star.

"You sure you got this, Ke?" you questioned him.

"Of course, I do. Watch."

One by one, Keanu shot out every bit of the red star off with a high degree of precision, his skill coming as a shock to both you and the man tending the booth. Out of one hundred pellets, he only had to use about thirty of them to completely obliterate the target faster than you had seen anyone else do. His head turned slightly, a sly smile plastered on his face as his eyes met yours.

"Where the hell did you learn how to shoot like that?"

"John Wick boot camp," he simply responded. "What prize do you want?"

Picking out a brown, fluffy teddy bear hanging in one corner of the display, After it was handed to Keanu, he then presented the toy to you. Smiling, you accepted the prize, not even caring that the stuffed animal was poorly made, and some of the seams were unraveling. What mattered was that it came from him.

"You know, I haven't seen any of the John Wick sequels," you noted as you two began walking away, hand-in-hand. "We should watch those when we get home tonight."

"Anything you want, sweetheart," he said with a gentle squeeze of your hand. "Anything for you."

You and Keanu played a few more games together, learning how competitive he was when it came to versing you and others. He was stopped for a couple of occasions to take pictures with his fans. It warmed your heart, seeing the way he interacted with them, especially with the younger kids. He was so kind to them, so attentive and caring. You could understand why everyone fawned over him.

And it was for the same reasons why you were falling for Keanu.

Falling. Was it too soon to say that? You weren't sure, but all you could think about now was the way he held your hand and how he smiled so brightly at you, making you feel like you were the only person he could see. There were no other words to describe the feeling other than falling.

After a quick bite, you led Keanu towards the ferris wheel, something you had been looking forward to riding the second you arrived at the Pier. Once inside a passenger car, the wheel slowly began to turn, moving clockwise as the world below grew smaller the higher you rose above the ground.

The silence that fell between you was far from awkward. Instead, it was peaceful and comfortable. You were aware of how close you were sitting beside Keanu, feeling his heat as it radiated from him. He put one arm around you, drawing you even closer to his body. Leaning against him, you rest your head on his shoulder as you took in the beautiful scenery outside. At some point, the wheel stopped at the very top, your cart softly swaying to the gentle wind blowing against it.

"You okay?" He asked, shifting his eyes to look at your face. You didn't notice your grip around his arm had tightened.

"I am. Just a little scared of heights, that's all."

"Don't worry," he murmured as you tilt your gaze upwards. You saw how he was focused on your lips, and if you leaned in just enough, you could almost…

The wheel suddenly moved again, the sound of the hydraulics causing you to jump as the ride began its slow descent back to the loading dock. You were disappointed at missing your chance to kiss Keanu, wanting nothing more than to finally feel his lips on yours.

"Hey, you want to see something amazing?"

Smiling broadly, you then nodded. "Sure."

The sand between your bare toes was soft and warm to the touch. Each fine grain was colored with a golden hue, and it sparkled underneath the setting sun. Eventually, you and Keanu neared the edge of the ocean, the cool waters lapping at your feet with every languid wave washing up to the shore.

Carrying your shoes in one hand while Keanu held the other, you continued to walk down a quiet section of the beach. The breeze blowing from the tide tousled your hair as the briny smell of the air invaded your nose.

You could almost taste the salt on your tongue.

"Let's stop here," Keanu halted his steps after picking out a spot close to the shoreline, but far away enough so that the water didn't reach you.

Carefully, he lowered himself onto the ground, pulling your hand down to have you do the same. You settled in between his legs, your back pressed against his firm chest as his arms wrapped around you. You felt Keanu rest his head against yours, his scruffy beard tickling your skin as you release a contented sigh.

The sun above began to dip behind the horizon. It cast an orange haze over the ocean and painted the skies majestic shades of red and pink. The last of its rays gave off a gentle warmth, bidding farewell to let the night take over. Craning your head up, you saw Keanu’s soft smile, his face aglow by the waning light as he appeared to be lost in his own thoughts.

You were able to get your phone out and take a quick snapshot of him, the small giggles that escaped your lips breaking his stare.

"What are you doing?"

Shrugging, you tossed your phone to the side, landing right next to where your shoes laid on the sand. "I took a picture of you."

Keanu chuckled as his head moved closer. "Why?"

"I want to relive this memory one day," you explained. "Thanks for the second-first date. I really had fun today."

"Do you remember…?" He trailed off, but you knew what he was asking.

"No," you sighed sadly. "It's okay, though. Because now I have this to look back on while waiting for the old ones to come back."

"Okay," Keanu added, his eyes boring into yours. "I had fun today, too."

"Good. I'm glad."

A beat passed, and once again, you found yourself staring at his lips, which were only mere inches away from yours.

"I love you, you know?" He blurted out, catching you by surprise. Of course, you knew that he loved you, but hearing him say it outright felt different. "You don't have to say it back now, but I want to remind you that I still do."

Strangely, those three words were right there at the tip of your tongue. You could say it, but something was holding you back. Was it fear? Uncertainty? Perhaps it was all too soon for you.

"Tell me about our first kiss," you murmured, your gaze unwavering.

"I told you that story already, remember? We were at the overlook and—"

"No," you interjected with a shake of your head. "Tell me how it felt."

Keanu darted out his tongue to lick his lips, his breath softly fanning your face. "When we kissed for the first time, it was like time stood still for those few seconds. I was nervous during the whole thing because it had been a while, but being with you, I realized that there's nothing to be scared of. It sounds cliche, but I felt sparks while kissing you. After that, I never wanted to let you go."

You stayed silent. Instead of speaking, you let yourself lean into Keanu. Your lips brushed against his tentatively before you pulled away, your eyes flickering up to see the pleading look on his face.

He wanted it as much as you did.

Your gaze lowered, and again, you placed your lips on his, although this time, they stayed there. Eyes fluttering close, you kissed Keanu gently and sweetly as he brought his hand up to tenderly cup the side of your face. It was everything you had imagined and more.

But eventually, the two of you broke apart to breathe, severing the connection. Right away, you wondered when your next kiss would be, believing that if it was already this good, it could only get better from this point on.

"That was…" Keanu mumbled, nearly breathless.

"Amazing," you finished for him as he brushed a strand of hair away from your face and stroked your cheek. "I don't know what else to say."

Pressing his lips to your forehead, Keanu then sighed happily. "You don't have to say anything else. I already know."

With one last smile, your attention returned to the vast ocean and the disappearing sun, the taste of Keanu's lips lingering on yours.

For one, fleeting moment, you thought that you could stay this way forever.

---

Walking back to the car, Keanu couldn't help but grin with you by his side. He was on cloud nine after today's adventure. Even though you still couldn't remember anything, he loved how he was reliving these moments again. He never realized how long it truly has been since you had both enjoyed yourselves.

Opening the car door for you to climb inside, his cell started to ring, echoing throughout the parking garage.

"Who's calling?" You curiously asked as Keanu stood with one hand holding the door.

Fishing out his phone, he suddenly froze when he saw the caller ID.

It was Molly.

Keanu eventually knew that she would try reaching out to him after he had told her of what happened to you. It came as a shock to him that it took her longer than he had expected. But he didn’t want to deal with it right now.

He still wasn’t sure when he’ll be able to.

"It's just spam," Keanu said, the lie smoothly rolling off his tongue. It was becoming too easy for him to do that, lying.

Without a second thought, he turned off the screen and placed the phone back inside his pocket. Jogging to the driver's side, he took one deep breath in and out before opening the door and sliding inside.

Just for tonight, Keanu wanted to hold onto something he hasn't felt in a long time.

Happiness.

And he didn’t want her ruining it.

Part 8

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#keanu reeves #keanu reeves x reader #keanu reeves fanfic #keanu reeves imagine #keanu reeves x you #my fics #reader insert #rpf

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snowyseba · 5 years ago

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Bucky’s Reason

I’m back! It’s been a while, but I’m finally feeling a bit of inspiration again! This was written for @waiting4inspiration‘s 2,000 follower celebration. Congratulations, hun! If you haven’t already, go check out her work - ‘Just Try’ is one of my favorite series ever!

I chose prompt #25: “Damn, you’re strong for a little thing.”

Summary: Life is catching up with Bucky. He’s been different since Thanos’s snap was reversed. You can tell that he’s tired, and not just physically. He needs a break, but he refuses to step back. The news you have for him just might be enough to change his mind.

Word Count: 3k

Warnings: mentions of smut, angst (fluff at the end), talk of pregnancy, premature birth, swearing, blatantly ignoring the ending of Endgame

You and Bucky weren’t trying for a baby, but you weren’t exactly not trying for a baby either. After Thanos was defeated and Bucky was back in your arms after five excruciatingly long years, things had changed. Although he continued his work with the Avengers, you could tell that his priorities had shifted. He wasn’t the only one. Tony and Pepper had Morgan. Steve continued to give back, helping struggling veterans, but he was stepping back from being on the front lines so much. Missions came and went, but each time, there was a certain reluctance in Bucky.

“Don’t make me go, doll,” Bucky murmured against your lips. His arm was heavy across your bare stomach as he spooned you, trailing kisses over your neck.

“I’m not making you, Buck,” you replied, intertwining your fingers with his. “You know I’d fully support you taking a step back from the Avengers if you want to. You’ve done your part, baby. It’s okay to focus on you and your life. Look at Tony. Look at Clint. Just because you’re living your life doesn’t make you any less of a hero. I’m not saying you have to stop completely, but...is this really what you want?”

He sighed, hugging you tighter against him, pressing one more kiss to your forehead before standing, going to change. You were too spent from the earlier exertion to follow, besides, you wanted to stay in your warm, post-orgasmic haze just a little while longer, so you totally missed the way Bucky’s gaze lingered longingly on your belly as he replied, “Maybe I just need the right reason.”

Now here you were, three months later, staring at the positive pregnancy test in front of you. For some reason, Bucky’s words from all those nights ago lingered in your head. You were so lost in thought that you didn’t even notice him enter the bedroom you shared. He had just returned from a mission. It was a long one this time, lasting over a month, which meant that Bucky had also completely missed out on the beginnings of the symptoms of your pregnancy.

It was only when you felt the bed dip next to you, Bucky’s lips on your forehead, that you realized he was back.

“Penny for your thoughts?” Bucky hummed, stroking your hair back like he always did to soothe you. “They must be pretty fascinating if they kept you from noticing me come home.”

“Sorry,” you winced. You hadn’t meant to ignore him. You had been eagerly awaiting his arrival, but trying to figure out how to break the news made you lose track of time. “I was just thinking.”

Bucky settled down onto the bed next to you, propping his head up on his hand and regarding you quizzically. He was only wearing sweatpants, having forgone a shirt, not that you minded. He looked exhausted, though, physically, but it went deeper than that. “I can see that. What’s on your mind, princess?”

“What if I told you I might have a reason for you take a bit of a break from the superhero life?”

He chuckled at that, pressing a kiss against your lips, amused. “Oh yeah? And what might that be?”

As soon as the words left is mouth, it was life your mind went blank. The script you had carefully rehearsed in your head was gone, and you couldn’t seem to find the right words. Instead, you took his hand in your own, looking into his eyes as you brought it to rest over your stomach. If he was confused, it was barely discernible. He drew a sharp breath, his eyes frantically scanning your face for any hint that this was a joke.

“Y/N...?” his voice was shaky, barely audible, and yet his eyes were shining brighter than you’d seen them since he first laid eyes on you after the snap was reversed. “A-are you? Are we?”

“Do you think baby Barnes is a good enough reason to take some time off?” Your voice was just as uneven.

“I’m not going anywhere,” Bucky gazed at you fondly, his hand still pressed firmly against the slight swell of your stomach. “Not for a long, long time. Nothing’s gonna come between us again.”

He nudged your shoulder gently, pushing you onto your back as he reached for the hem of your shirt. Bucky paused, looking up at you for permission. “Can I...?” As soon as you nodded, he was pushing your shirt up, his hands rough against the soft skin of your belly. Quietly, barely loud enough for you to hear, he whispered to the tiny life the two of you created, “You and your momma are the greatest things that have ever happened to me.”

_______________________________________________________________________

It had surprised you just how much Bucky had stepped up since you shared the news that your little family was expanding. True to his word, he had already scaled back on missions significantly, opting to stick with search and rescue or background work where possible. He couldn’t justify taking the same risks he used to, not when he had his wife and unborn child to come home to. Pepper and Morgan had almost lost Tony. Bucky witnessed firsthand the terror as they waited while doctors worked to save his life. They had succeeded, but since then, they’d all reevaluated their priorities.

So far, everything had been perfect. By all accounts the pregnancy had been easy, despite carrying a super soldier’s baby. Finding out you were carrying a little girl had made everything even more real. The swollen stomach, aches and pains, cravings, and the tiniest flutters of movement were real enough reminders, but knowing that you and Bucky were going to be parents to a little princess was when things really hit home.

The nursery had just been painted a pastel pink, at Bucky’s insistence. He was already spoiling her. He had ordered the best crib he could find, the most comfortable rocking chair so you could easily nurse her. Everything in the nursery had been carefully researched. At times, you were a bit annoyed that you couldn’t just pick out something on a whim, Bucky had to read the reviews first, which meant the nursery was still unfinished, but you couldn’t stay mad for long. He was so excited about being a dad and just wanted to provide his daughter with the best. How could you fault him for that?

At 32 weeks along, you weren’t too worried. You still had several more weeks until your due date, or so you thought. You were folding laundry when you felt the first contraction, the pain catching you off guard. Rubbing a hand over your belly, you brushed it off. It was probably just the start of Braxton Hicks, which your doctor had warned you about. So you thought nothing of it, continuing to go about your day until you felt another. Uneasiness was beginning to gnaw away at you. Something felt off, but you didn’t want to send Bucky into a panic over practice contractions, so you waited. He was working with Sam and Steve today. If you were still feeling the contractions when he got home in a few hours, you’d tell him.

As the afternoon wore on, the contractions continued, only worrying you more. If that wasn’t enough, you could swear that you felt a steadily building pressure in your pelvis. But you couldn’t be in labor, you just couldn’t. It was way too early, your baby girl still had weeks left before she’d be fully ready to enter the world. Another contraction caught you off guard, leaving you breathless. It was that exact moment that your husband walked in the door.

“Hey, doll, I’m ho-- sweetheart?!” Bucky was at your side in an instant once he saw your expression, contorted with pain. “Darling, what’s the matter? Where does it hurt?”

“Bucky!” No matter how hard you tried to stay calm, the second Bucky walked in the room, you lost it. He was home. That meant you’d been having contractions all day, and they were only getting worse.

“Talk to me, doll!” Bucky was frantic, a hand cupping your chin, tilting your head so he could search your eyes for any clue as to what was going on. “Please, I can’t help you if you don’t tell me what’s goin’ on.”

“I’m having contractions, Bucky.”

You had seen Bucky face down some of the world’s greatest enemies, you had seen him turn to dust before your very eyes. None of those moments, though, could even come close to comparing to the utter fear and helplessness that tainted his expression, the blood draining from his face, hands frantically running over your bump, pushing the fabric of your shirt up and resting his palms against your skin, voice thick with emotion “N-no..”

“I thought it was just Braxton Hicks, so I waited. I walked. I changed positions. Nothing helped, and they’re just getting closer together. Are you okay to drive me to the hospital, or should I call Steve?”

Bucky shook his head, a determined expression taking over, replacing the panic that had been there only moments before. “No, I got you, baby. I promised you I’d be here for both of you. C’mon, do you think you can stand and walk with me to the car?” He gently gripped your arms, guiding you up.

Just as you stood, you felt a ‘pop’ rapidly followed by a trickle of liquid that sent your heart racing. “I think my water just broke...”

The words were so quiet that at first you thought Bucky hadn’t heard you, but next thing you knew, you were in his arms, on your way to the car. After carefully buckling you in, he raced to the other side, giving your hand a tight squeeze. He leaned over, giving you a quick kiss. “You’re gonna be okay. Both of you. I texted Steve, he’ll come grab your bag and lock up, then meet us there. Stark has the world’s best doctors on their way to meet us at the hospital.”

“You really think of everything, baby. We’re lucky to have you.” Despite the uncertainty, despite the pain each time a contraction seized you making the muscles of your abdomen clench, having Bucky by your side made you a little less afraid.

“Of course I do. Nothing’s gonna happen to my best girls on my watch.”

_______________________________________________________________________

From that point on, things progressed in a blur. True to Tony’s word, there was a team of doctors waiting for you as soon as you arrived. Soon, you were settled in a private suite in the maternity ward, monitors strapped all over you, monitoring contractions, your baby’s heart rate, and things the doctor had explained to you, but had long since been forgotten in the constant ebb and flow of contractions.

With your water having broken, delaying labor meant risking infection, but with how small your baby girl was, you also wanted to give her all the time you could to develop. After weighing options with Bucky and the medical team, you decided to try to delay labor. They administered antibiotics, gave you medication to stop the contractions. It was a long shot, but you still took it.

The whole time, Bucky was by your side, clasping your hand tightly in his own, rubbing circles over your bump, doing anything he could to soothe you. He was trying his hardest to be strong for you, even though he was panicking on the inside, worst-case scenarios rushing through his head. What if the baby didn’t make it? What if you didn’t make it? What if he lost both of you? Never in his life had he felt so completely helpless, not even during his time under Hydra’s control. There was nothing he could do here, no enemies to punch, no weapons to aid in the fight. This was an entirely new battle field for Bucky, and it scared the hell out of him.

Somewhere in the middle of the night, the call was made. The labor hadn’t stopped; in fact, it had progressed, and like it or not, it was time for you to push. Bucky had been surrounded by warriors, fights, and bloodshed for most of his life. None of it could have prepared him for the rollercoaster that was the birth of his child. He watched, not sure if it was pride, terror, or a mix of the two, that he was feeling. He was behind you, arms wrapped around you. He could feel the way your belly clenched with each contraction, feel the force as you pushed and fought to bring his child into the world, hear the your screams fill the room. At that moment, Bucky was convinced that you were the strongest person he had ever met.

“That’s it, Mrs. Barnes. Gentle pushes, now. The head’s almost out.”

Through the haze, Bucky registered the doctor’s words, and he hazarded a gaze downwards. He wasn’t quite prepared for the sight, but he had arguably seen worse. It was only then that it hit him. Bucky had seen so much death, so much that the faces blurred together, so much that he couldn’t even count the number of lives he’d seen leave this world. But this was the first time that he’d seen a new life entering it. And then, suddenly, as you gave a final cry, collapsing against his body, she was here. At 3:47 AM, his daughter was born. For a moment, the room was silent, the doctors already preparing to intervene if needed, and then she let out a shrill cry, and her tiny body, almost impossibly small, was placed on your chest, and you knew you were hers for the rest of your life. Behind you, Bucky’s hands carefully reached around you, gently holding his newborn as he pressed a kiss to your forehead.

“Y/N,” the way he spoke your name was something you’d never heard before. It was full of admiration, adoration, and pure awe. “You did so good, sweetheart. I’m so proud of you. She’s perfect. God, she’s so small...she’s like a little doll.”

All too quickly, little baby Barnes was whisked away. You understood why, of course. Even though she seemed to be doing extraordinarily well considering how early she was delivered, the doctors wanted to give her a thorough look-over.

“Well, all things considered, I’d say you’ve got a very lucky little girl, Mr. and Mrs. Barnes,” the doctor returned, a small bundle of blankets in her arms. “It would seem that the serum you were injected with, Mr. Barnes, saved your daughter. She’s small, but her development is further along than we’d expect. Her lungs were our main concern, but they’re functioning just fine. We’d like to keep you both here a few extra days for observation, but I don’t see why you shouldn’t be able to take her home afterwards. We’ll need you to come in for regular check ups, and we’ll have to keep her on a strict feeding schedule to make sure she’s gaining weight, but she’s going to be just fine.” You couldn’t help but notice the way he teared up when hearing that his serum, the very thing that he was afraid would harm his child ended up being what saved her.

She stepped forward, transferring the tiny bundle that was your baby into your arms. Immediately, Bucky’s arms snaked around yours, helping you support her. He didn’t even hesitate to hold her with his metal arm. “Hi there, princess. You gave your momma and I quite a scare, you know. I’ll forgive you this once, but don’t you make a habit of it.”

“She’s our daughter, Buck, and the Avengers are her aunts and uncles. I don’t think a life without scares is in our future.”

As you both held your daughter, her tiny hand reached out, impossibly tiny fingers clutching onto one of Bucky’s. You could feel the breath catch in his throat, hot tears dripping onto your shoulder as he let out a breathy laugh, “Damn, you’re strong for a little thing.”

“Yeah? Have we got a little Steve on our hands?”

“Don’t you even start,” Bucky threatened playfully, “I spent enough time getting that punk out of trouble. I thought I was finally gonna settle down.”

“Who are you calling punk, jerk?” Steve’s voice sounded from the doorway. Though his tone was teasing, he looked about ready to cry. “I heard you’re a daddy now, huh? Congratulations, both of you. Can I meet my niece?”

“Yeah, I’m a daddy now,” Bucky murmured, unable to tear his gaze away from the little girl clinging to his finger.

“She’s beautiful. Everyone’s so glad to hear that you’re both okay. They’d all love to see you, if you’re up for it. I checked with the nurse and she said it’s fine provided it’s a quick visit,” Steve smiled as he watched his best friend.

“Please,” you flashed him a grin. “I want to show off our princess.”

He ducked out the door, saying he’d be right back, and you turned you attention back to Bucky and the little bundle sleeping soundly in your arms. Soon she’d wake, crying and squirming and you’d have to face the whole new challenge of feeding her.

For now, though, you were content to lean against Bucky as he pressed kisses against your skin, every now and them murmuring how proud he is, how thankful he is, finally enjoying the peace after so much chaos and fear.

That moment, holding his family in his arms, was one he’d never forget as long as he lived. He had been wrong, before, when he said that she was his reason to step back from work. No, from that day on, you and your daughter were his reason for everything.

#Bucky Barnes #bucky x reader #bucky x you #bucky barnes x reader #dad!bucky #waiting4inspiration2kcelebration #james buchanan barnes #marvel imagine #bucky imagine #bucky barnes imagine

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emmerrr · 7 years ago

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how about pynch where adam constantly steals ronan's clothes for barely existent reasons and has the most transparent excuses for it and everyone can tell they're ronan's clothes because they're too big on adam and fit ronan's punk aesthetic. bonus points if people at uni ask adam about it. love your writing :)

thank you so much!

first of all, I’m sorry this took a while but after finishing my last prompt I took a little break. second of all, for no reason that I can fathom I was a little flummoxed by this prompt. I had no idea how to write it to the point where I nearly posted this ask with an apology that I couldn’t do it. BUT I persevered and I’ve sort of picked at it to turn into something I felt I could write, so it’s not quite what you asked for but it does involve adam wearing ronan’s clothes and uni. I hope you like it! [read on ao3 if it’s easier]

(also to the other anons whose prompts are still in my askbox, I haven’t forgotten about you I swear, and I thank you for your patience!)

After a couple of years of dating, a fair few items of Ronan’s clothing had found their way into Adam’s wardrobe.

Some of this was accidental; a t-shirt Ronan had forgotten in Adam’s dorm after a whirlwind visit, a pair of pyjama bottoms that had got mixed in with Adam’s own belongings when he packed his bags at the Barns, a beanie hat Adam had confused for his own after an early start when he wasn’t quite paying attention to what he was picking up.

Others had been taken or left with clear intent.

After the Christmas break of Adam’s freshman year, Adam wore one of Ronan’s hoodies whilst Ronan drove him to the airport, a quiet understanding passing between them that Ronan wasn’t going to be getting it back any time soon. Adam had also knowingly taken one of Ronan’s black sleeveless t-shirts, for no other reason than because it was just so quintessentially Ronan, and having it nearby offered Adam an indescribable level of comfort.

Something else now in Adam’s possession was a shamrock green t-shirt with Kiss Me, I’m Irish emblazoned on the front that Henry had given Ronan for his birthday. Ronan had seemed bemused by the gift but Adam got a real kick out of it, so much so that Ronan started actually wearing it, albeit only as a pyjama top. Never in the daytime, never in public. After one of Ronan’s visits, Adam had been lounging in his bed feeling mightily sorry for himself and missing Ronan so much he could barely stand it, when he had tucked his hand under his pillow and found a handful of material. He pulled out the green t-shirt and smiled. Ronan had left it there for him to find.

With the exception of the hoodie, most of these clothes that were now under Adam’s care never left his dorm room. They were pieces of home, of Ronan, and if Adam wore them it was for his own comfort only. They were clearly not his and he had his own clothes, anyway.

That wasn’t to say it had never happened. On one occasion Adam hadn’t planned ahead well enough and got caught out on laundry day, having to wear Ronan’s black sleeveless tee for an entire day of classes. It was a little big on him and it had been too hot for a jacket so he couldn’t really disguise it, and Adam’s classmates had definitely noticed the sudden change in style.

“You look very, uh, punk rock today,” one of them said.

“Laundry day,” Adam said with a sheepish shrug.

“It’s his boyfriend’s top,” Adam’s roommate supplied helpfully with a shit-eating grin on his face. He had, of course, met Ronan and correctly pegged it as Ronan’s aesthetic. (In other words, black.)

“Yes,” Adam said, a little touchily. “But it’s still laundry day.”

It wasn’t that Adam didn’t like wearing Ronan’s clothes, it was just that they drew attention in a way that his regular attire just didn’t, and he preferred to keep them just for himself.

Just for bad days.

Finals week was a special kind of hell.

Adam was well prepared for his exams because he worked hard, but that didn’t mean it wasn’t stressful, particularly when everyone else was also feeling a heightened sense of last minute panic; it seeped its way into Adam, too. It all boiled down to the fact that Adam was on edge all week, and by the time the day of his final exam arrived he was running on fumes.

He got out of bed at his first alarm, not trusting himself to snooze it even once. There was a couple of hours before he had to make his way over to the room where his exam was taking place, so Adam reasoned he could go over his notes for forty-five minutes, hop in the shower, then grab something to eat. He’d be done in enough time to have a leisurely walk across campus, nice and refreshed and prepared.

Adam packed his little rucksack with everything he’d need for the exam and left it by the door for ease of grabbing when he was on his way out, then he sat down at his desk where his notes were still open.

The next thing he was aware of was his phone dinging with an incoming message, and with frightening clarity he realised he’d fallen asleep with his head on his desk. He scrabbled for his phone to see his message was from Ronan.

- you probably won’t see this till after, but good luck. you’ll ace it einstein. call me later

The time at the top of his phone’s display read 9:46am, which meant Adam only had a little over ten minutes to make it for his exam’s strict 10am start time. If he was late, they wouldn’t let him take it.

“Shitshitshitshit,” Adam muttered furiously under his breath as he hurriedly pulled on his sneakers, grabbed his keys, his (thankfully) already packed bag, then ran from his room.

He made it to the right place with just under five minutes to spare, his classmates and other students taking exams at the same time milling around outside and looking over their own notes. The atmosphere was so quiet that almost everyone’s eyes zoned in on Adam immediately as he made his entrance from outside, doubled over with his hands on his knees and panting for breath.

He finally pulled up straight and took his bottle of water out of his bag, taking little sips until he regained his composure. When he had, he noticed that everyone was still staring at him.

“What?” he dared to ask. Surely they’d all seen someone running to an exam before; it was a regular occurrence. There was always one.

“Um,” one classmate ventured with a little smile, “overslept, did you?”

Adam shrugged. “Sort of. But I made it in time, so it’s all good.”

“I didn’t know you were Irish,” piped up another.

Adam tilted his head to the side, bewildered. “What? I’m not.”

“Adam, look down,” said the first, barely restrained amusement evident in her voice although she was clearly valiantly trying not to laugh, sensing Adam’s confusion.

Adam dropped his gaze and froze.

In his panic, Adam had forgotten that he was still wearing his PJs. Or to be more specific, Ronan’s PJs. His pyjama pants were the ones he’d accidentally packed at the beginning of the year, The Nightmare Before Christmas ones covered in a pattern of bones, bats and Jack Skellington’s head. To Adam’s utter mortification, the t-shirt was the bright green Kiss Me, I’m Irish one. Because of course it was, it had to be one so bold and ostentatious at a time like this in order to fully cement Adam’s humiliation.

Adam was luckily saved any further questions and stares and muffled giggles by the exam invigilator calling everyone inside, and although he gave Adam’s get-up a stern once-over and looked mightily disapproving, it wasn’t like there was anything in the rules saying Adam couldn’t take the exam in his pyjamas. It undoubtedly wasn’t the first time it had happened.

As he took his seat and tried to forget about anything other than his imminent exam, Adam reasoned that there really hadn’t been time for him to change even if he had realised what he was wearing in time. He pointedly ignored that fact that at least changing his t-shirt would have only taken mere seconds.

There will come a point in time, he said to himself, when I will think back on this day and laugh about it.

That point actually came quicker than Adam was expecting it to.

Once his exam was over, Adam hurried back to his room almost as fast as he’d ran out of it earlier. He put his bag down, fired up his laptop, then picked up his phone to text Ronan.

- I’m finished. Get on skype, I’m gonna call you in a sec

Once his laptop was sufficiently loaded, Adam logged into Skype and saw that Ronan was already online. He hit video call, then stepped away from his desk to grab his water bottle before Ronan answered.

He hadn’t made it back to his desk when Ronan accepted the call.

“Parrish?” came Ronan’s voice, tinny through the speakers. “Have you been kidnapped?”

“No,” Adam called, taking a sip of his water. “No, I’m here, hang on.”

“How was the exam?”

“Oh, good I think. There was a couple of questions that were worded a little weird but I think I answered them okay. No sense worrying about it now, anyway.”

“That’s the spirit,” Ronan said. And then, frustrated, “Will you come and sit down already, I want to see you.”

Adam smiled. “Okay I will, but when you see what I had to wear to my exam I want you to really, really try not to enjoy it too much.”

There was quiet static on the other end for a moment before Ronan said, curiosity obviously piqued, “Alright, Parrish. I’ll really, really try.”

Adam braced himself, then stepped into the view of his web-cam.

Ronan said nothing for a moment, but his lips quirked in a smile that was betraying his need to laugh. “Why—” he cleared his throat, “—uh, why did you have to wear my PJs in public? To an exam?”

“Because,” Adam said, sitting down in his desk chair, “I fell asleep and then didn’t wake up until you sent me that text, and I didn’t have time to change.”

“Adam Parrish,” Ronan said, mock horrified. “I never thought I’d see the day where you’d nearly sleep through an exam.”

“Yeah, well. It didn’t happen, so it doesn’t matter. Instead I got to have one of my classmates saying he didn’t know I was Irish, then the exam invigilator shooting me death glares for the majority of the exam. It was just perfect.”

Ronan went quiet again, and looked like he was biting the inside of his cheek.

“You can laugh,” Adam said with a resigned sigh, and it broke the camel’s back.

Ronan burst into peals of wonderful, contagious laughter, the kind that had him struggling for breath, tears of utter mirth springing in the corners of his eyes that were visible even through the grainy picture on Adam’s laptop.

He couldn’t help but laugh, too.

Eventually, he got more words out. “Okay, okay, it’s not that funny,” he said.

“Ohhh, Parrish,” Ronan managed to say between helpless little laughs. “I love you, but it really, really is.”

(A/N: I know, I know, Adam would never let himself cut it so fine before an all-important exam. indulge me. also, when I was in my first year at uni I accidentally turned my alarm off instead of pressing snooze, slept through an exam and had to re-take it in the summer. don’t be like me, kids.)

#the raven cycle #trc #trc fic #pynch #tumblr prompts

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therewillalwaysbeapril · 5 years ago

Text

Chapter 4: Sixteen Hours

6:30 AM The alarm rang abruptly in the stillness of the morning, a rude shrill noise, splintering our warm, nocturnal embrace and throwing us both into the coldness of the day.

“April, we gotta get up”, I said, mumbling as I shook off the last remnants of sleep. She groaned softly, rolling over and pulling the covers away. “Hey, get up. Geee-tta UGH-PUUUU! Get TU DA CHOPPAH!” I did my terrible Arnold Schwarzenegger impression loudly and poorly, adding in a loud grunt for full effect.

“Argh, I need muh clothes, my boots, my motorcykalll”, she said, in the same bad Austrian accent without opening her eyes. “Come ONN, do it. Do it Nah-OW!”

Stumbling out of bed, vision still blurry, and nearly tripping over the corner of the blanket now fallen to the floor, I reached over and grabbed from the basket the first item of clothing on the pile of clean laundry that we neglected to fold from the previous night. I pulled open the top drawer of her dresser and felt around for a bra. I threw both toward the bed as I made my way to the bathroom. April put on her top as she stood up. Hair a mess and eyes barely open, April exuded a dreamy, other-worldly quality as she floated from the bed to the sink wearing the dark red floral patterned shirt dress I had bought for her the weekend before. I blow dried my hair into a more presentable state and shaved as she washed her face and finished combing her hair.

I packed April’s belongings into her backpack for her, the both of us hurrying downstairs to my car. After stopping by a McDonald’s drive-thru on the way, we ate Egg McMuffins sitting in the early traffic heading toward Downtown LA. I looked at her as she opened a ketchup packet.

“Don’t worry, I’ll be careful!” she said, laughing as she carefully squirted the ketchup onto her hashbrown.

Briskly walking up the parking lot escalators and half-skipping across Pershing Square, April got to the bus stop just in time as the vehicle screeched to a halt. “WESTWOOD/SANTA MONICA” said the display. A quick kiss goodbye and she was off to class.

8:00 AM The office was dark as I stepped out of the elevator. Walking toward my desk, I was greeted by lights flickering on as motion sensors began to stir. Fresh cup of coffee in hand, I left the kitchen for the far side of the floor toward my favorite viewing spot.

The Los Angeles morning was peaceful when viewed from high above. Cars moved slowly down Broadway; I could hear their distant honking noises in the early rush hour. Construction workers below near Third Street walked carrying their equipment, passing by the shops just beginning to open in Grand Central Market. From my hawk’s nest I saw a cyclist zipping down Grand Avenue past the Museum of Contemporary Art, in front of which a food truck was beginning to set up shop. My breath and the steam from my coffee fogged the glass as I stepped closer to look at the crowd of people gathering by the Broad. The early light bathed my city in a warm amber glow, thawing its sleepy commuters as a new workday began. Flecks of gold and saffron twinkled as the dawn bounced from the stirring skyscrapers and automobiles, blinding me. I, too, was beginning to wake as I finished my coffee.

With my headphones on, back at my desk, I continued sketching out the wireframe concepts from the day before. Wireframes are the foundation of plotting out designs for interactive products such as apps and websites. They are a high level way of designing ways in which someone can use a product and the organization for which types of information and interaction appears on which screen, before a designer has to focus on the finer details such as animations, visual appearances, and the style of smaller items such as buttons. Even though the other designers created wireframes in programs I was also familiar with such as Adobe XD or Sketch, I always took great care in sketching out early ideas neatly on paper. I felt there was a purity in shaping ideas away from a computer, a kind of humility in making things with my hands.

8:30 AM The office is still dim as I make myself a second cup of coffee. This was one of those sluggish days; I felt slow to start, and was glad to still be the only person in the office. There was less pressure this way. I returned to my desk and cleaned up my lines with an eraser, reinforcing others with a Sharpie. Boxes with crisscrosses represented images, various other shapes representing icons and call-to-actions. Simple line patterns signified text, clearly showing the underlying grid to the layout. Adding final touches, I drew an outline of an iPhone over all of the screens before using a green colored pen to create the markings that showed how a user interacted and navigated from screen to screen. I felt pride for the cleanliness of my draft, as I never knew whether the second draft in the computer would be made by myself or a different designer. Finished, and satisfied with my work, I walked over to the simple Kanban board on the far wall and moved the task’s corresponding post-it note from the column labeled “in work” to the column labeled “done”.

Aside from a few coworkers from accounting, the floor was still mostly deserted. Sitting back and listening to the rest of Bach’s Goldberg Variations on my headphones, I fidgeted at my desk for a while. Impatient, I walked back over to the job board and grabbed one of the tasks from the column labeled “backlog” and moved it to “in work”. This should keep me occupied, I thought.

10:00 AM Standup was always kind of fun. Normally I have always preferred to work alone, with headphones on, lost in thought as I built designs and mockups, in an almost-meditative state of flow. However, I liked my coworkers very much, and it was also nice to see everyone at the beginning of the day and update one another on our work progress in the morning as we created the pieces of our product together. I enjoyed this kind of organized interaction that afforded me boundaries and space to create.

<Walalala..>, texted April. It was her way of greeting. Warm and cheerful, albeit at times a little silly, it was a greeting that I had come to love. It would also be a salutation I would receive less and less over time until I would not see it at all. <What you doing?>, she added.

<Lol. You should pay attention! I’m pretty tired too. I don’t think I woke up yet>

<Haha, I miss you a little too.>

<Pfft, you still need me to remind you?>

<Ha, you should pay attention in class. Your mom will kill me if you fail because of me>

11:00 AM Sketches spread out on the table before me, I began to create the second round of digital wireframes. As much as I enjoyed sketching, this step was also one of my favorite things to do. The useful aspect having hand sketches was their looseness — from a high level perspective, during this stage there were still so many possibilities. Creating the first digital wireframe versions, despite their inherent roughness, narrowed down those possibilities. To do so felt like taking a camera lens and turning it slowly into focus. At this stage, it was not a crisp focus, but much more recognizable as a coherent direction. The process was therapeutic as it was methodical; moving through it step by step, there was room to make improvements on the fly, perfecting each idea. However, today, my process of refinement would be interrupted by a different task.

There needed to be a version of our project for a new client, said marketing. A simple mockup of our app must be made in the style of our new client, a baseball team. The refinement of the new screen designs would have to wait. Grumbling to myself a little, I closed the program and neatly piled the sketches into my drawer.

<Heyyy, why u ignoring me?>

<Sorry, some other stuff came up at work>

<I’m sorry. Would you feel better if you ate something? What are you gonna get for lunch?>

<Expensive grass, haha>. “Expensive grass” was April’s name for salad. They always cost more than they should, she would remark.

<btw…>

<what’s wrong?> Nothing good ever happened when April said “by the way”.

<We’re not breaking up. We can make this work>

12:00 PM It is lunchtime. Mood now sour, I didn’t feel like leaving the building. After informing my deskmates that I was taking my lunch break, I grabbed a stale bagel from the kitchen and microwaved it with a slice of cheese. Taking that and a diet soda from the fridge, I returned to my viewing corner.

We had only recently moved into the forty fourth floor of the building from six floors above. The company had now grown bigger and the fiftieth floor was not enough space. However, it was only the design, marketing, and accounting teams on this floor, leaving most of it empty. In fact, we only occupied one corner, leaving the other three quiet and deserted. I enjoyed taking walks around the empty areas, sometimes even bringing my cello to work and practicing in one of the empty rooms during breaks. Today though, I only wanted to look outside and think.

Now midday there was visible smog in the Los Angeles air. Protestors were forming on Grand Avenue. I looked closer, curious as to the reason for this group. I could not make out the writing on their signs. A car accident was visible further down on the 2nd Street intersection, blocking it off. The authorities closed off one of the lanes, backing up traffic. A bus awkwardly took up both lanes as it attempted to merge into the available space. An adjacent driver made a rude hand gesture out of his window. I sighed, feeling exhausted as I learned against the wall near the window. I sat on the floor as I drank my soda and looked out of the floor to ceiling window, thinking. The conversation I thought of was not with April, but one with someone else, from a different day, in a different language.

•••

<Yeah, I took her to the airplane museum the other day.>

<Well, she kept asking me to stay over, and then I had to stay with her after she crashed her car. Lately though, she tells me she just doesn’t like it when I’m away. It feels weird, but I’m really happy with her and I love her, so I guess I’m not complaining. She’s been coming to work with me and taking the bus to school too>

<Hey, you should pace yourself. All couples need their space from time to time.>

<Maybe? Sometimes I go to work and five minutes after I leave she texts me that she misses me. I think she’s very sweet.>

<Okay, I’m just looking out for you. What if she turns out to be one of those possessive types?>

<Hey! I knew it!! Is that why you didn’t answer any of my calls or texts last winter in China?>

<Sorry. I guess it’s just weird, what happened between us.>

<Well, nothing happened between us!>

<I know! Well, I don’t know. You are one of my best friends, and what happened affected me very deeply. It may have been nothing to you, but it was definitely something to me.

<I’m sorry about that. I really am. I was as confused as you too. I never meant to be cruel. I hurt you, and I ended up hurting myself too.>

<I’m glad we’ve moved past it and we’re still friends>

<Yes, I remember. And I will keep my word. I just need to figure this out. She’ll come around eventually. I really think the two of you would become great friends.>

<Well, you gotta figure it out eventually, because this is just awkward what you’re doing>

•••

1:00 PM I snapped back to reality as my phone alarm went off. It was time to go back to work.

The caffeine was beginning to wear off. Still debating whether or not I should have a third cup of coffee, I flipped through the Android Material Design Guidelines online, pondering what visual branding treatments were acceptable within Google’s design parameters. Writing down the correct color hex values on a notepad, I began to change colors on app elements in Photoshop, reskinning the interface. The phone beeped again, as another text message arrived from April.

<I’m sorry. I want to stay with you too. But I’m so worried>

<About what?>, I answered.

<Yeah, but what if we DO break up eventually? You’re not a doctor and I’m supposed to marry a doctor.>

I stopped working. Taking off my glasses, I sat back in my chair, rubbing my forehead. I was getting very tired.

, I texted back.

<There’s nothing wrong with what I do. I am a designer and I’m good at it. I make a decent salary and I like my life>

<It’s different>

<Well that’s just your viewpoint. We’re just different, I guess>. I saved my work and walked to an empty conference room.

<Why do you even love me?>, I texted. My thumbs began to sweat. Typing was becoming difficult.

<I’m getting back to work>

I stomped back to my desk, angrily chucking my empty soda can into a nearby wastepaper basket. A couple of coworkers stared.

3:00 PM For the next two hours, I tried my best to focus on creating more animations. More interactions. I compared the mockups I made against the Android and Apple guidelines. So far, so good. Sending the finished mockups back to marketing, I went back to the kitchen and made myself the third cup of coffee.

I chugged the hot beverage, nearly searing my throat. I went back to designing the wireframes. There were only three hours left in the workday, and I originally wanted to have had this perfected at the end of the day.

<Are you done with class yet?>. There was no answer from April.

Frustrated, I placed my phone face down on the table and returned to the designs. These have to get done, I thought. So little time. Fuming, I angrily threw the boxes together on the computer screen, connecting the button hotspots together as violently as someone could inside a digital space.

“Hey are you ok?”. It was Julie, who sat across from me behind my monitor. “I can hear you breathing from here”

“I’m fine”, I said. I sat back in my chair and looked at what I’ve made. It was sloppy and nowhere near the level of detail that I have been known for around the office.

“Take a break man. I just got an email that we have until the end of the week for these screens now”

“Oh…”

“Yeah. You can just chill”

“I think I’m gonna take a walk then.”

4:00 PM I looked at my watch as I waited in the elevator. Who does she think she is, I thought. So what if I’m not a doctor? Life can’t only be about status. I was so mad. That is such a shallow way of thinking! And it wasn’t me who started all this. I was just minding my own business working. She was the one who had to bring up Taiwan, and her parents’ crazy expectations for who she should be dating.

I walked outside briskly in the shade of the tall buildings. It was much louder now that I left the lobby. A street performer was beating a drum across the intersection. A crazy person was yelling about the end of times on the other corner. Good. Noisy enough that no one could see how angry I was.

And I hated the way she texted. How am I supposed to always be at her beck and call? I have a job to do; I can’t be there to simply answer every time she worries about crazy hypotheticals. I was doing fine today, I should’ve simply not answered. And now that she’s finished ruining my day, she’s stopped texting and has gone back to whatever she’s doing leaving me to pick up the pieces. Every single month, we have to have some fight about something completely stupid like this. Every single month —

Oh.

April had complained about being tired. April had experienced stomach pains during class. I counted the days since the last time I remembered similar complaints. There were many things I remembered for her. April could be so forgetful.

“Twenty-seven, twenty-eight….”, I counted in my head. I knew what she was going to need.

I stopped at the Rite Aid on 5th and Broadway. Quickly making my way through the aisles, I picked up a pack of Ibuprofen, a box of what appeared to be feminine pads, and a bottle of water. The cashier handed me the items in a paper bag after I made my purchase. Strolling further south, I began to think about what transpired.

Did she really mean all that she said? Perhaps a deeper question was, WHICH of what she said did she actually mean? You can’t tell someone you love them for who they are but also want to change them, I thought. Girls just say crazy things during their time of month right? I checked my phone.

Still no answer.

This is bad, I thought. Perhaps I was too harsh. Her car is in working condition. She chose to take the bus because she genuinely wanted to spend time with me. And now she’s probably on the bus home, in pain. All for me. I’m such a jerk, I thought.

Ducking into Bottega Louie on 7th, I bought a box of half dozen French macarons. They were rather pricey, but came in a beautiful box and were, I had heard, delicious. The small rigid box was not unlike jewelry packaging, with beautiful calligraphy and gold speckles dotted throughout its powder purple surface. It was a small gift that was sure to brighten up anyone who was having a less than perfect day.

6:30 PM The workday was now over as I closed my work laptop and packed away my things. The bus from UCLA arrived as I waited on a bench in Pershing Square.

“Hey what took you so long?”, I asked as I took April’s bag from her.

“I had the most horrible day!” she said.

“I’m so sorry, I didn’t realize I sounded so mean—

“No, not you! My period started and I forgot to bring pads so I had to use tissues. And my phone died, and then the bus had to take a detour. So I needed to get off and wait for another bus, but I couldn’t use Google Maps and I’m so tired and I just want something to eat”

“Well, first things first I guess”

I handed her the box of macarons and discreetly showed her what was in the paper bag. “Let’s find a bathroom,” I said.

She looked into the paper bag. She looked at me. She started giggling, the happiest I’ve seen her all week.

“What? What is it?”

“Have you never bought pads before?”

“Well, no, but I figured you needed them. Was I right?”

“Those are panty liners, not pads!”

“Oh.”

“It’s okay, I’ll be alright. Cmon, let’s eat”

•••

8:30 PM After April had a chance to change, I took her to a nearby Hong Kong styled cafe. It would be nice to have some porridge, she said.

As we sat down and waited for our food, by reflex I folded April’s chopstick wrapper into an origami chopstick stand, as I have always done since our first date. I looked out the window into the dark.

The San Gabriel traffic outside was a lot calmer compared to the city. It was quiet and I could just make out the sounds of crickets. A high school couple walked out of the boba shop across the street, laughing to themselves, carefree. An elderly man picked out a newspaper from a box near the entrance. I felt a soft caress on my forearm.

April handed me a crudely folded flower made from a chopstick holder.

“I’m sorry about today. I keep forgetting how to fold that fancy origami, but I want to thank you for taking care of me.”

She smiled the familiar funny smile.

•••

9:30 PM As we walked in the darkness at a nearby park, digesting our meal, I stayed quiet. How can I make all nights like tonight?, I thought. Is there really an expiration date to our happiness?

Perhaps reading my mind, April said, “I don’t know what we’ll do if I really have to leave…”

I looked at her and kissed her forehead.

“Whatever”, she added. “If I have to go back to Taiwan, I guess I’ll just get another boyfriend, and it’ll be a doctor this time! HA HA!”

I did not laugh.

I let go of her hand and walked a few paces ahead, sullen.

“I’m kidding!” April grabbed my arm. “I really do love you, alright?”

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itsjayyyy · 6 years ago

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January 16, 2019 4:51 pm

So on last thursday after that update, I met up with heather for the first time since October. We met up at starbucks, but neither of us bought a drink. She already knew about my moving out because she saw me posting about it on snapchat. I told her all about how my new roommates don’t really talk to me (or do the dishes, or pay rent on time...) and also how my parents didn’t let me have my own bed (she was really shocked at that, which i didn’t understand like girl ive been homeless because of my parents no shit they won’t let me take a bed they bought themselves). I also told her about the whole rose situation, and ofc anna. I thought it was funny how when i told her about the whole “surgery on a porcupine” she was like “how is that possible? you mean she did surgery on those things that fall off of trees?”

After hanging with her, I went home since I had like 5 hours until my next class. rose kept messaging me like “hey are you ready to meet up?” “i can see you’re home now” etc. I didn’t answer, and honestly i was annoyed that she used my location as a weapon, so i left my phone at home when i went to class. Which was kinda annoying tbh, i felt so disconnected without it. (just got sidetracked, but i think when i get my student refund i’m gonna buy an ipod nano 1st gen, which was the first mp3 player i ever had. prob gonna fill it with the 3 vocaloid cd’s i found). After class i went to get a smoothie, then drove home. rose was waiting outside my door for me to get home, and she started going on about “omg i was so worried you weren’t answering my texts etc” we get into my apartment, and i just kinda unloaded onto her (again). just told her how it’s not even just the whole mom situation, but all of them had piled so much hate onto me since i was a kid that i’m incapable of loving myself, and it only frustrates me when they say “don’t see yourself negatively!” it’s like someone breaking your arm and then saying “just use your hand to grab x” without acknowledging that your arm was broken by them. she starts crying (as she always does tbh), then we go to get sushi.

friday i only had one class (psychology) so i chilled at home most of the day. can’t really remember what i did lol. oh wait i think i hung out with rose, to make up for not hanging out on thursday. yea we chilled at my apartment for a bit, then went to the west side to scoop up peter and get hooter’s. and then i complained about how i started feeling sick, and then called in saturday. i told myself that i would get ahead on my homework and clean my room, but i spent most of the day chilling. the gray cat that hangs around my apartment walked by my window, so i opened it and pet her. She climbed into my room, and i spent a good 3 hours just playing with her. I texted the owner asking if she was pregnant or not (bc she really looked like she was about to give birth) but he texted back saying it was a boy, and neutered. apparently he’s just super cuddly.

i called in sunday too, since it’s like i already lost an attendance point and i didn’t feel like going to work. i actually was productive that day, like i did laundry and cleaned my room. still getting the depressive episode out of my system, though, so i wasn’t running at full capacity.

on monday, i checked anna’s twitter (btw after i soft blocked her i felt that she was still looking at my profile tho, like our tweets would mirror each other in mood a lot), and she tweeted “omg i think my crush is flirting with me” so rip my chances with her. and yea i know it wasn’t about me bc outside of class i heard her talking about how they were talking thru snapchat. :c

i really can’t wait until fall when i get transferred to the downtown campus, though. as i was walking up to msb, i saw someone sitting directly next to the entrance. and you can probably guess who it was. I really thought “new semester, new schedule, no more stalker savon waiting outside my classes” but i guess i was wrong. as i sat in the hall waiting for my class to start, I had a minor anxiety attack that i tried to cover up by talking to my classmates and professor about high school funding. luckily in that conversation, i learned that msb has two side exits, so now i have different paths to take. (honestly this whole time i’ve gone here, i thought the “handicap accessible” sign in front of the side entrance was trying to say that wheelchairs should go down the stairs, but my classmate pointed out that it was supposed to say “handicap accessible, up this path to the right,” not directly forward. I took the side stairs after class and basically ran to the garage in case he was following. At home i still had an assignment for comp, which was “visit a place on campus that you’ve never been to before and draw it in a 4-panel comic” (this class is all about multimodal writing) which, by the way, is really only possible for freshmen. as a spohomore, there isn’t a single place on campus that i haven’t been to. except for that side stairwell. so i drew my experiences taking a new staircase as an exit. let me make this journal entry multimodal by adding my comic:

anyways, that comic was apparently way overdrawn, when all of my classmates did simple stick figures at memory mall. kinda felt like wednesday addams wearing a long black dress at summer camp. it was nice tho, gave me a way to express all of my feelings about the whole thing (since i had nobody to talk to). it was like art therapy.

tuesday we had a quiz at the end of calc. i know hindsight’s 20/20, but seriously how the fuck did i fail this class it’s so damn simple. I finished the quiz in a literal 30 seconds and then sat there because i didn’t want to be the first person to finish. all of my classmates looked really deep in thought too, so i started to wonder if i was maybe not doing it right. but then the professor walked by and saw i wasn’t doing anything, so i was like “is this all that we have to do (setting up an integral but not even solving it)” and he was like yea, ur good. surreal.

then i went home and chilled until my evening class, then after that drove to peter’s bc we were gonna hang. so rose remembered that i was coming over, but peter forgot; while peter remembered they invited paul over, but rose forgot. i know that they’re kinda close with paul and all but tbh i don’t really know him that well, and it feels awkward hanging with him. when i told rose that, she was like “but you guys have hung out together, remember that time you got blackout drunk and slept on his bed, i felt like that was a real bonding moment for yall” um no i actually didn’t remember that, probably because i was BLACKOUT DRUNK. anyways i told all of them about anna (since peter and paul didn’t hear the story), then we smoked a little and played comer. We all won a round except for peter lol. then we watched an episode of marie kondo’s show (i wanted them to see how she lowkey looks like a robot), and then i headed home. i got home at like midnight tho, and since we had a sub today in calc, i figured i could skip it. so today i woke up around 10, got on campus at 2 since i was gonna hang with heather (but her boss didn’t let her have a break since she only worked 5 hours so we’re gonna meet tomorrow instead), went to psychology (and we finished the chapter early so no class friday!!!), and since then i’ve been in the library writing this.

here’s my plan for surviving this semester: i’m gonna act like this is fuckin birdbox, but extreme version. he wants to get a reaction out of me, and he’s not gonna. from now on, any time that i’m outside of a building (and even most times that i’m indoors but not in class) I’m going to have headphones in, and look down at the ground (not like directly at my feet, but like looking forward but at the ground ahead of me) or at my phone. that way if he finds me, he still can’t get a reaction bc i’m visibly distracted in the only two senses that he can reach me through. i don’t think he would go as far as to try to touch me, so i should be safe.

i hate that i feel like i’m always on the defensive at my own damn college. i hate feeling like i can’t even walk around freely without being followed. but hopefully i just need to make it to fall, hopefully ucf doesn’t delay the opening of the downtown campus, hopefully i transfer in a few months and can *really* put this all behind me. then it’s all smooth sailing, just gonna go through my final two years at uni, then graduate, get a job in CPS for a few years, then go back to school for my master’s. from there become a licensed clinical social worker, so that i can maybe work for cps but in a hospital setting where i get paid more, buy a house, have a family. get out of orlando. (but i kinda like orlando...)

anyways it’s 6 o clock now, so in about 15 minutes i’m gonna leave the library, use the guidelines i wrote above, use the side entrance, and get to class.

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rastacutie · 6 years ago

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Trust is bull shit

About 3, 31/2 years ago I met this man. I know you’re thinking oh another stupid hurt boyfriend posts but this is crazy and my mind can’t decide what to do. This is now a legal problem I have no idea. I didn’t want this to ever get out of hand.

I met this man. I knew him for about 5 years from his mother who tried really hard to hook us up even though he was on Texas. (I was friends with him mom for a long time through an old friend) anyways he wound up moving here because he got a random call in the morning from his ex bitch of a waste of life saying she had no idea she was pregnant since Kenna was sitting in a weird way and she “didn’t think about it” she knew. She told her best friend and one guy she was cheating on and he took off to another town. Shocking because she looks just like him. Anyways she swore up and down it was his even though it was clear it wasn’t. But no one would man up to be there for this little girl and if he didn’t take care of her, her life would be terrible. About 4 months of trying to make it work she admitted that she slept with about 4 other people including his brother so it could be anyone. Then she left told him to figure it out because she didn’t want Kenna at all in the first place. And then HOOKED UP WITH HIS BROTHER!!! AND HAD A KID! Kenna has a fucking sister cousin in Texas she doesn’t even know about because the mother has hardly any rights and gives them up every year not even a birthday call. He left that crazy ass shit and came to Oregon where his god mother is. (Our mutual friend) but Kenna after a while I was the one she chose to call mommy because I’ve always been Irie. I could go on with this story but I’ll move on.

He heard that and knew I was the one so he purposes and I say yes. I was so excited my family loved him, they loved Kenna, we were looked at like the Joneses. He even told my dad he’ll never have to worry. That I’ll always be taken care of no matter what. That’s why my dad gave him the blessing.

He promised...

In between that he went through many jobs, always gone, found an unanswered women’s shirt in the laundry (even Kenna said it wasn’t mine) he tried to blame it on everything else but I was reading his texts looking at it all and I knew there was something more with his boss. All he would do is swear nothing happened try being extremely over the top defensive. Said it was his Mom’s (a rich women who doesn’t wear crap cloths. Um and she’s in fucking Texas why would it show up out of no where when I’m washing his cloths!!!???) anyways it was constant fighting between the both of us very aggressive love and we thinning, sex was become more less everytime I saw him. I knew. I didn’t need his confession I knew. At that point though I was pregnant with our child! One we tried really hard to get. I was so heart broken. And you would think he would understand. Well we kept trying and trying but it was just constant fighting and when it was fighting it was bad. Both of my winter jackets torn. (I live in bend fucking Oregon it gets below zero and I still have nothing warm to wear.) things were just getting out of hand even quitting and trying all these different gigs that just didn’t work out.

He did finally get a home gig but he was gone working all night and sleeping all day. I lost 3 days of sleep with the baby all night and the (at the time) 3 year old. I was wearing thin and with how bad my anxiety and depression was it was really wearing on me. But that didn’t matter. He would pretend to help once in a while but that was just giving candy out and ignoring the baby because the 3 year old is ALWAYS more important. This poor baby has only had real attention and love from me and who I call my mom (grandma Jess). It hurts my heart. She’ll always be our second. It’s fucked up. The fights got worse. Things were being packed and thrown by the door. His mom instigated almost all our fights because she now hates me. We hate each other. She’s wronged me in so many evil horrible ways I couldn’t even go there.

One morning I was spread very thin. The 3 year old wouldn’t eat the baby I was trying to get ready. Everyone had ate and gotten ready except for me. (Course mom is ALWAYS last) and I have my fiancé acting like a 15 year old while I’m fighting with the 3 year old to stop throwing fits and whining it’s rude and she had been doing it all morning. My anxiety kicked in and went nuts when he says “why aren’t you ready? I thought we were getting Dutch bros” I flipped my switch and exploded. I said “because I’ve had to make breakfast, get the kids ready, clean, now I’m changing a diaper and you’re not even helping at my struggle. So I said I was going to remove myself from the situation and go get ready. I haven’t even had time for a damn bowl of cereal! So I’ll do what you say and get ready! I walked into the bathroom and started to get ready. He must have felt a little bad because he then bring me a bowl of cereal I’m thinking “how am I suppose to even have time to eat that?” So I kept getting ready. Noticing that my legs were hairy on a hot day I was bummed and drew a bath so I could shave really fast. I couldn’t hear anything.

Normally my 3 year old either walks in or knocks or does something when she has to pee so I know. I never heard anything and continue to get ready. I was taking off my cloths to get into the bath and hurry so I latched the door. All of a sudden I have him with a pissed off face saying he’s done with my attitude that morning and was done. He told me 1 time to get out I said no I’m doing what you asked which is to get ready she can pee I’m the one that potty trained her. 2nd time he says to get out I say no this is my bathroom I can get ready if I want too. 3rd time he lost it and picked me up by my arms and threw me in the hallway. Closing the door so the 3 year old doesn’t see anything else.

He went into this trance that wasn’t him. No words were said I was pushing him off me ripping his shirt and telling him to stop. He kept flipping out and throwing me around till he threw me in the middle between our room door way and the hall again. Then got on top and strangled me. I have asthma so that short breath came earlier then most and I was fighting and my legs were giving out I was sure this was it. I have never felt more terrified in my life. The feeling still comes back once in a while just the feel of it. Once I went limp he got off and freaked out about what he had just done. Pacing back and forth staying please don’t call please think about what you’re doing. I said I am. You need help. And I called 911. Already I had terrible bruises that quickly. The man I thought loved me and would never hurt me like that did. I felt betrayed. I felt stupid. I felt heart broken I felt played I felt so little. Scared. Lost. Lonely. I honestly didn’t know how I was going to get over it. Those beautiful blue eyes that my daughter has burns in my eye lids. The feeling of the pressure on my throat I thought I would never forgive him. I had to move out of MY home I got MY self and had to leave according to DHS for safety, my step daughter was taken to Texas to be with his mother the one that hates me. They brain washed her, well tried she is smart and calls people’s bull shit out so she knew what they were saying was wrong. They would tell her I’m her fucking step mother. I have been her mom almost since day 1. I never had my heart break. She said it twice in front of her friend. And she was molested by her cousin and her grandma did nothing. Kept it a secret. I couldn’t believe all this.

At the same time I’m dealing with my fiancé trying to give him a chance to speak since he was broken admitted his wrongs, did his time, wrote me letters while he was in there (that she kept from me his mother) and he’s begging on his knees he’ll do anything for me and our family to be fixed. He couldn’t believe how it got that bad and he cried for days. Sleeping in his car but paying to make sure we can pay rent to have a roof over our heads especially with the 3 year old coming home. He even wanted to kill himself because he felt so guilty. I gave him the benefit of the doubt because god damn me I love the fucker so much I could never explain. I mean come on I would never have kids but we had a planned child together. I love him to the point where love has me blinded I keep hoping as well that we can repair our family. He would blow up my phone if I was even slightly upset he wanted me and us back more then life. I tried.

He then cheats on me with two of his co-workers. He claims he never had sex but to read on his work phone how one says things like honey, sweetheart, and says I have to talk to you about something but I can’t tell you on the work phone. She shows up at the fair and he claims he had no idea she hits him up after and they both blame me and my insecurities. Shortly after I read another text on his work phone saying “I wanna do dirty nasty things to you” and the girl says “oh yeah ;) show me. Then it skipped to something else. Her meeting him for lunch and all this shit. I beat the crap out of him. She was constantly reaching out to me telling me shit that at first crushed me but then I saw she was lying hard core just to get under my skin. She wouldn’t even leave me alone after all the shit went down and he was on his knees crying and pleading again saying the reason he did it was only because I questioned if he loved me and he thought that was it. I told him it gives him no right to be sexting this women. Both were also in a relationship! My dumb ass still tried to keep our relationship going for our girls pretty much at this point because we as lovers changed. He claims it never stopped for him. My trust is gone. One second I love him the next I hate him with a burning passion. Idk what’s worse at this point.

It’s now been like 4 months and with his guilty Conscience and my insecurities now it’s also caused a lot of issues. I just can’t trust him even though we constantly talk. We love each other and want to fix this. He took upon himself to get into these classes that help with anger and parenting. I’m trying to give him that 3rd and last chance but I feel like so much has changed In our relationship it feels like that awkward first date but not in a good way. No hand holding, no leg touching. Yeah sex but I want more emotional insite love. He’ll do extremely nice gestures but it doesn’t feel emotionally the same. I tried to tell him that and he had to wrap his head around it assumed it would be better to split and wouldn’t call me or talk to me all day. It’s so easy now to disregard my emotions and his only matter. He didn’t even get the point. I don’t understood I want my family and my life back. But I woke up terrified again for the first time since June 4th 2018. The worst year of my life. He says things that would make you feel like he’s Prince Charming and everything will be okay. How much he loves me and needs me but flips a switch and it’s always my fault. I’m not sure how much more I can take. My heart has been through the fucking wringer and all I wanna do is cry. I wake up at 5:30am every morning crying because I miss him for 15/20 mins then fall back asleep. How could I love someone who’s wronged me so badly? I have NO idea..... 💔

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