#I spent so much of my younger years feeling like nobody cared

[silentthevoice]

you know what??

I am so fucking loved and I can finally feel it

[velarisnightsky444]

Scorched Shadows: Pt I

Eris x Azriel'sSister!Reader

Summary: Y/N is the younger sister of Azriel. She has shadows just like him, and is also a spymaster for Rhys. When she meets Eris, she initially hates him, but after a bargain is made between them, things begin heating up. This takes place before Under the Mountain.

warnings: mentions of abuse(beron)

a/n: this takes place over many years, so I will keep track of the years since the fic started above.

Series Masterlist

Part 2

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Year 1

You spent most of the meeting fidgeting with your scarred hands. The Autumn Court made you uncomfortable, and you hated when Rhys dragged you out for High Lord meetings there.

Not only were the High Lord of Autumn and his sons cruel and wicked, but their powers revolving around fire had always made you nervous.

Morrigan had been allowed to stay home, but not you. Though you'd practically begged Rhys to let you.

Rhys routinely caressed your mind throughout the meeting, something you appreciated. You'd been six years old the first time he'd done that, and it had terrified you. But over the years, you'd learned to see it as comforting, rather than threatening.

You kept quiet throughout the whole meeting, though you couldn't help but notice the way the Lady of Autumn was continuously cut off by her husband when she attempted to speak.

He spent the meeting belittling her, and nobody was doing a thing about it. It infuriated you to see the female treated in such a way.

"He's a cruel, abusive male," a shadow whispered to you. "She fears him."

You locked eyes with Eris Vanserra, who was sneering from across the room. You glared at him, still furious about what had happened to Morrigan all those years ago.

He ran his amber eyes over you, then looked away, dismissing you entirely.

»»————-　♔　————-««

You snuck out of your room that night, feeling suffocated by the Autumn Court decorations. The flames and leaves that were embroidered into everything irritated you.

You hated the bed you were given, with it's maroon sheets. You hated the mahogany that all the furniture was made from.

Most of all, you hated the darkness that was everywhere. It wasn't physical, but you could feel it. The court was cold, empty, and dark.

Your bare feet padded across the wooden floor until you managed to find a balcony.

You stared out at the beautiful scenery. As much as you hated the court, you couldn't deny it's beauty.

The trees were all golden, red, and orange, the forest ground covered in leaves. The chill in the air was comforting, not too cold.

"What is a delicate thing like you doing all alone?"

You whipped around, finding yourself staring into the amber eyes of Eris Vanserra. He was still wearing the emerald button up and black pants he had on at the meeting. The jacket he had been wearing had been discarded, though. His short, red locks was still combed finely, not a hair out of place.

"I'm hardly delicate," was all you managed to say, the words a snarl.

He clicked his tongue, his hands meeting behind his back.

"You think those shadows could save you if the guards found a pretty, little girl like you wandering the grounds at night?" he challenged. You tensed.

“I’m just enjoying the beauty of the court,” you said sarcastically, rolling your eyes.

"Such rudeness from a lady," he tsked with a smirk. "You wouldn't last a day living here."

"I'd rather die than live here," you snapped back.

"You should care to watch your tongue," he warned. "Especially at the meeting tomorrow. My father doesn't take kindly to females like you."

The fury you had felt at the meeting came back. You recalled how he just sat there as Beron spewed belittling words at his mother.

“How can you just let him treat your mother the way he does?” you demanded.

“Excuse me?”

“He’s abusing her, and you’re doing absolutely nothing to stop it,” you glared.

“Don’t speak of things you don’t understand,” he growled.

“I was just a child when I witnessed the cruelty my father brought upon my mother, but I wanted to stop it then, and if I had been older, I would have,” you snapped at him. “And you don’t even say anything when he insults her—"

He snarled, lunging towards you and pinning your body to the wall. You gasped, the air being knocked from your lungs as your back hit the stone.

“Say another word about my mother, and I will kill you,” he threatened, his features twisted in unbridled rage. “I don’t care who your brothers are, or that you’re a Lady."

“Like father like son,” you replied, your eyes narrowed at the male.

He looked nearly murderous at that. But he didn’t raise a hand to you. That would only prove your point.

"Y/N, is it?" he asked. You nodded tensely. "Well, Y/N, you should learn to keep your nose out of others business. It will only bring trouble."

"I'm a spymaster, that's my job," you replied coolly, your back still pressed against the wall.

"Well, keep my mother out of it," he growled, releasing you.

You let out a breath of relief as he stepped away from you. And then, he was gone.

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Scorched Shadows Taglist:

Eris Taglist:

Comment to be added to the Scorched Shadows or Eris taglists!

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[iamumbra195]

If the Graveyard kids were demigods, which Greek god would they be the child of? (Riodanverse AU)

For Ashlyn, I believe she would just be another of Apollo's kids, keeping to herself most of the time. Nobody really paid her any mind because out of the dozens of Apollo kids, there wasn't anything particularly remarkable about her. She wasn't the Head Counsellor or anything. She liked it that way. Ashlyn discovered she was a demigod when she was young and spent two full years at the camp to fully prepare for living as a demigod in the mortal world before becoming a summer-only kid. Her sensitivity to sound is one of the strange abilities she inherited but isn't fully able to control, which is why she wears enchanted earplugs that keep sounds at a more tolerable level. Beyond that, she was a pretty average Apollo kid. She was good at the basics like Archery and Music but not beyond that of a normal Apollo kid. The only thing that really stood out was her dancing. It was her special interest, incorporating it into her daily life as a demi-god as often as she could. Her fighting style was based on ballet in canon and she preferred fighting with her legs over her hands--even going as far as putting a weapon in her shoes so she could still use her legs to attack. So she is an average demigod overall. Until one day she discovers that she was one of the few to inherit Apollo's nosokinesis, the ability to create and control diseases (like her ability to open rifts and trap people in them in canon). There's also the fact that her name literally means 'dream' or 'vision', so considering the fact that Apollo is literally the god of prophecy, I think being a child of Apollo fits her very well.

For Logan, I feel that for a long time, he would just be another unclaimed kid. He didn't know anything about his real parents and his grandparents were always super cagey about it until he was older and got attacked by a monster and they finally took him to the camp. He still doesn't know who his biological mother was. Then one day after being pushed too far by bullies, he snapped just like in canon, and was claimed by Ares, the god of war. Much to his and Barron's (another child of Ares) dismay because what the fuck do you mean this dickhead is my half-brother?! He had initially believed that his parent was related to his love for space and astronomy or maybe even his intelligence and love for math but Ares?!

For Aiden, I think being a child of Hermes suits him best. I've done some tests and got answers like Ares or the Big Three, which I don't think those really fit him. But for some reason, I like the idea that he has the favour of/is a legacy of Hades or Hecate from his dad's side while being completely unaware of it until much later (the unexplained connection his dad has to Maverick). Children of Hermes tend to be more hyperactive than other demigods and are often referred to as a jack of all trades and I think those things really suit Aiden. When he was younger, his parents sent him to camp year round in hopes that it would help him and he came back with dyed blond hair, red eye contacts and a reckless streak a mile wide.

For Ben, I believe that this kid is and always will be a child of Apollo. His deep love and talent for singing and music, his rage and hurt at having this taken away from him. His knack for medicine despite only having experience through taking care of Aiden. He only discovered he was a demigod after his voice was destroyed so he never learned that he could heal people with his voice/singing until one of the others, maybe Taylor, were fatally injured and he had no supplies to save them so as one last attempt to comfort them, he breaks his years of silence and sings for them. To his complete astonishment, they started healing and were able to stay alive long enough to get the medical help they needed. He felt pressued to sing and use his voice after that because it could heal people but Aiden or one of the others nipped that in the bud and told him he didn't have to do anything he didn't want to. The idea of him also having premonitions when something bad is going to happen is cool, especially if it's the reason why he ends up catching little details the others fail to notice (a little nod to Canvas Ben for being so goddamn observant). His relationship with Aiden is also cute because children of Apollo and children of Hermes tend to get along, although not all of them do (Aiden and Ashlyn lol).

For Taylor and Tyler, I believe the twins would be children of Hephaestus. In some cultures, identical twins are treated as one entity/soul that was separated into two people and the same could be said about the Hernandez twins in this AU. Although they are different people with different interests and goals, that is how they are perceived as mortals. On the divine side of things, however, they are seen as a single soul split into two. That's why their connection goes far beyond that of regular mortal twins. Their abilities also reflect this. Taylor is a brilliant craftswoman and has a way with technology that separates her from the rest. She's also extremely fire-resistant, which proves to be useful considering her brother has the ability to manipulate fire. Tyler, on the other hand, has the basic skills needed to be a mechanic due to growing up with Taylor but it isn't instinctive in the same it is for Taylor. He is one of the few children of Hephaestus to have pyrokinesis, something he had to learn to master on his own because there wasn't anyone to teach him. They complete each other.

Although Aiden and Ashlyn spent a year or two in the camp, their paths never crossed and they were just another faceless person in the crowd of campers until they officially met when Ben and Aiden began to go to her high school in her sophomore year. Aiden clocked her as a demigod as soon as they met at the bus and was excited to meet another one of them outside of camp. He was also curious to know if she figured out what she was yet and if not, he could protect her from monsters and lead her to camp! Ashlyn recognized both Aiden and Ben as demigods but preferred to avoid mixing her mortal life with her mythological one so she avoided Aiden's needling to the best of her ability. When Ben finally told Aiden that she was another child of Apollo at camp, Aiden doubled down on the pestering which irritated Ashlyn beyond belief. Unfortunately for her, this wasn't the last she was going to see of him.

Mid-way through the first semester, Ashlyn received a prophecy from the Oracle stating that she and five others were to go on a quest. It was a shock to her and everyone in the camp because she was pretty unremarkable yet she was the one that had to go on the quest? It was ridiculously vague beyond the fact that she specifically had to go to Savannah with a group of five others. So she had to pick five other members for her team.

Nearly everyone tried to volunteer and because Ashlyn didn't particularly care who went along, names were drawn out of a bowl. With her luck, Aiden and Ben's names were both drawn out of the bowl, along with the Hernandez twins and Logan. She wasn't particularly happy with those chosen but she supposed it could be worse. Especially when she considered the fact she could've been going with him.

Barron was throwing a fit about how an unclaimed coward like Logan couldn't have possibly been picked but Tyler told him that no one would even want to go on a quest with him considering the only thing he cared about was glory and honour for himself.

And so, the six of them packed their things and started their journey to Savannah, Georgia where it all went to hell.

[gentlelass]

Hey there.

I know this isn't mainly a social platform of writing, and if you don't care for reading my long-ass bullshit, you're free to scroll. But I was very eager to post here a summary of my Oc, Marjorie's Ford life since her birth to when she first joined the Marigold Gang, at least for that couple of people who will care enough to bother reading, since I've always left you in the dark about most of her past up until now. I will make a storyboard with actual drawings to make it more interesting to the eye at some point, but it'll take long, so for now, enjoy what I have to offer.

The recurring year is 1894, and yet another baby girl is born under the prosperous (not for too much longer) Kingdom of Italy. But not just any child, falling short of aristocracy in terms of wealth: daughter to the Opera singer Caterina Casiraghi (Ford) and the handsome but opportunist American notary who snatched the Italian beauty as soon as he saw her, Christian C. Ford. Second to nobody in her own home but her older brother, Malcom Ford, Marjorie was still spoiled and pampered from all sides, and for a while, they were happy. 

But of course it was too good to be true, and soon enough Christian's misdeeds came biting back to him, after a life time of biting more than he could chew: the notary and most of his official possessions burnt to ashes in a fire, and although the cause was officially concluded to be an accident, his family knew in their hearts it was nothing but arson: between what remained of the man's belongings, in fact, the wife found multiple letters of a minatory nature coming from some unspecified shady client of the man's, that he had evidently proceeded to ignore. The widow, left on her own with a man to bury and two children to raise,  had no choice but to roll up her sleeves, and the broken family spent the next six years of their lives incessantly hopping from place to place, partially for the matron's role she played in different courts across all Europe as a requested and appreciated soprano, partially to avoid meeting the same early end as the late father and husband may his killers spot them if they stop in a single place too long.

Such circumstances weren't the most normal for the youths to grow up in, and the siblings came out as... not any normal really: while the weight of responsibility hung on the eldest's shoulders, stuck in the role of the "man of the house" and becoming gloomier with each day, the younger could only long to receive that much attention. Daughter unsuitable of inheriting anything, too young to get married to another rich man, and with a voice too small to follow her mother's footsteps into the world of Opera, she soon veered towards theater, her frame, just as small as her voice, nimble and agile, her movements graceful, her scenic presence lovely as she had learnt to emulate from her mother. Still feeling the psychological pressure that was truly only inside her own head from being both female and the younger child, where she couldn't follow her mother's footsteps she instead followed her late father's, soon adopting less-than-savory methods to get ahead in her career, eliminating the competition before it even got the chance to become such.

All prestigious careers however have as much of a raise as they are doomed to have a fall, and in 1914, when the Great War officially broke out, the entertainment business collapsed, specially fields as frivolous as dancing and singing, and the next thing which dropped at dizzingly fast speeds was... the Ford Family's bank account.

The Ford widow, ever the loyal mother and wife, used the last funds she had to send her children to their fatherland America like many other immigrants of the time to seek luck and a better life, and we all can imagine what happened to her, next.

The sole survivors of the Ford Family, at this point aged respectively 21 and 23, were soon separated yet again, however: not any more than a few weeks after they had successfully disembarked in Mexico, in fact, the Italian government spotted them, demanding that Malcom  came immediately back to motherland to fight in the army along all other male, able-bodied Italian citizens of age. The boy, after a lifetime of accepting responsibilities, had it drilled into his very subconscious by this point to always answer the call of duty without question, and so he did one last time, taking leave from his sister and all the money they had left. He wrote his sister letters and send her more money for some time, directing them to Mexico City where he had left her. After a while however he stopped receiving answers from her altogether, an no sibling ever heard from the other ever since.

This is because Marjorie after some months of permanence in Mexico, working some gigs here and there, plus the money she was receiving from her brother, finally saw an opportunity to build a new life all for herself, where she would be the sun, the star of the scene, rather than a mere moon in the backlight of not one, but TWO suns in her case, both mother and brother. Having been a nomad all her life Marjorie never learnt to truly form bonds and emotional attachments to people, always knowing she'd lose them as soon as she had to move yet again; hence the loss of her mother and the betrayal she inflicted on her brother never weighted much on her mind, or so she tells herself. She traveled all the way up to Missouri, where she soon started working as a maid at a certain Maribel Hotel, where a "kind", if sorta odd fella by the name of Asa Sweet welcomed her in his den in exchange of a mere few favors which would cost Marjorie nothing but a constant smell of bleach on her person, due a variety of reasons, and the sanity she had already long lost anyways.

Opportunist sociopath born out of heritage, of circumstances and most importantly of the intrusive thoughts of inferiority inside her own head nobody ever bothered teaching her the strength to fend off, the rest is history.

[sterekloverforever]

Am I the only one who saves a ton of fanfic but goes back to the ones I love the most?

I get so anxious thinking about reading something new so I go back to my safety net 😂

Top 5 Fanfics:

1. Guns & Bow Ties by LunaRaven09040

Summary:

The Hale Family Crime Syndicate is one of the most well known and dangerous in the world. Stiles has been obsessed with them since he was a kid, but after his mom died and he moved away, he forgot about them.

Now he is a detective, working out of Portland on run of the mill cases. When he gets a lead on the Hale Family, he is determined to chase it down.

Derek Hale is the enforcer and heir of the Hale Family, an ancient old werewolf pack with ties to every part of society there is. He is in charge of making problems disappear and ensuring they don't come back. But as an Alpha and heir to the family, he needs a mate. One that is loyal to his pack and everything they stand for.

Stiles can never be that, but he also never expected their world to be so complicated. Especially when it's wrapped up in his feelings and his past. Even the goddamn bow ties are involved.

2. To Whom The Wolf King Bows by MadcapRomantic

Summary:

Stiles Stilinski meets The Wolf King, the very boogeyman he'd spent his younger years terrified of; yet the man is little, if anything, like the tales he's heard. But, Stiles has spent the last ten years of his life as a slave, under the harsh whip of the cruel King Gerard Argent, and trusting Derek - trusting anyone - is beyond difficult.

3. You Lunatics! By charmingplanes

Summary:

Scott went missing and Stiles is doing everything he can to find him but after year gone people are caring less and less. Nobody listens to him anymore. So Stiles has to go alone to find him. And find him he will!

But the wolf finds Stiles first.

Before he can process what is happening, Stiles is trapped with a madman deep in the forest surrounded only by his crazy followers, who are sporting some serious claws and canines, if he's seeing correctly.

And Scott is there too.

Stiles needs to get the both of them out as soon as possible, before madman Derek returns and bites his head off.

He just need to convince his best friend to leave these lunatics behind. That's all.

He needs a plan.

4. The Alpha and Omega by angel_baby

Summary:

Stiles Stilinski never knew he would be the weakling of the bunch... An Omega. His small petite figure certainly classified him as one. Not to mistaken his timid ways and how sweet he is towards everyone no matter how cruel they can be to him.

It just takes a run in the woods and an encounter with the World's cruelest Alpha for his life to ultimately change

5. He’s The Wolf by Unknown

Summary:

Scott is Stiles' best friend. But when Scott simultaneously gets an invite into the local Pack and an invite to meet his mate’s family, he asks Stiles to cover him. Cue Stiles disguising himself as a wolf … and falling for the mysterious Derek Hale. He’s got a few questions though. First, where is the Pack’s Alpha? And second, can he keep his dual personalities – the 'Scott' the Pack knows as their brother, and the Stiles the Pack knows as Derek’s human boyfriend – apart?

I hope they bring you as much happiness as they do me! 🤍

[uneducated-author]

I got a present from a student of mine, a beautiful hardcover copy of 'Howl's Moving Caste' and I'm so happy, but it does remind me of what 10 (AND A HALF) year old me did when she found out that it wasn't in my local WHSmith.

Full of rage and vitriol I knocked on the door of every classroom in my school (I was a renowned introvert, so this was EXTREMELY out of character) and politely asked if anyone had a copy. I received Many Many Many rejections. Inconsolable I lay in the library and wept. Then, like a beacon from the dark, the librarian miraculously told me that when I'd asked earlier she was mistaken and 'oh, I think we have it actually! It's just in loan'

I've looked back in this moment with the benefit of hindsight and realised that the librarian, who knew me as the girl who'd hide from bullies in the reading room and spent lunch hours organising books, must have elected to specially order the book for me, and it makes an already sweet moment even sweeter.

But a week later, I was distraught again. The winter holidays were coming up. I would loose access to the only library that had this treasure. I was holding Diana Wynne Jones masterpieces in my hands, despairing against my upcoming tragedy, until it came to me. The perfect solution.

I just had to write the whole book.

'Oh you fool, you could not write three books in a week'

I could sure as hell try.

I was in a frenzy. I would shovel breadsticks into my mouths and fervently write at lunch. I stayed up late and wrote by torchlight.

(Honestly, I probably could have written by lamp, but torchlight felt more dramatic and I lived for the feeling it evoked.)

I wrote in my reading class, permitted because I'd finished the list of books and the assorted quizzes. I wrote in friday PE because the friday teacher never took attendance and nobody cared if a young girl had locked herself in the bathroom for an hour, scribbling away.

I learned how to write with my left hand, but I was too slow if I wanted it to be legible, so I worked through the pain.

So? Did I finish? Was my fervent effort rewarded? Books had to be returned to the library on Thursday so I didn't even have Thurday night. Would the fortnight be enough?

Sort of. I finished my transcription of 'Howl's Moving Castle' and 'Castle in the Air' but couldn't move on to the final book in the trilogy. Hence started my winter vacation. I poured through the story, luxuriating in the rereading. I impressed my mother with my skill in making whipped cream, turns out mixing is much less intensive than furtive writing.

And on Christmas, I opened a beautiful collection of three paperbacks. I reread those books until I could recite swathes from each, and memorised the whole first chapter, which I'd murmur to my younger cousins.

I passed those books down to a younger girl in the neighbourhood, who passed them down to her sister, who gave them to a friend who lost them on a holiday. I have no idea where they are now.

But I have a book, from a student who loves reading where she used to hate it, and revels in a story with happy ending and good characters.

I don't know if there's some greater meaning to this. But I love the story, and it's come back to me. And my wrist almost hurts remembering almost 100,000 words for this story, but I can't help remember how much I wanted it.

Sometimes I think 'do I have that passion now? Is there anything I'd care about to that extent, until it hurts, until I hate it?'

I was so foolish, but so so alive and that week feels impossible. I talked to strangers! I transcribed a book! I didn't give up, not for a second!

(In fact two years later I did the same thing for Good Omens, transcribing the copy at my library over the period of a whole Summer. I purchased a copy a year after that, and gave it to a friend last year.)

I'm proud, of what ten and a half year old me did. Not because it was specifically moral, or impressive. Because of how much she loved something that she resolved to do anything to keep it with her.

The frantic handwriting is unfamiliar to me. It's spidery and smudged. The paper seems unbelievably thin, and the script uneven and unlevelled. A whole chapter has been lost to water damage. I barely have any of the book memorised. I keep it all the same because ten (and a half) year old me would weep if I lost it.

A heart is a heavy burden. But I poured mine into a strangers words, and then into those pages. I can't give them away.

[luvsturniolo]

men will never understand this pain.

last night, i had a dream that i was pregnant and throughout the first half of the dream, i was anxiously waiting for my baby to be born. the father wasn't present (still kinda mad that i never got the context of who tf knocked me up 🙄) but i didn't care because i loved my child so much that nothing else in the world mattered.

i know it was only a dream, but istg i could feel kicking in my stomach and i would crave random snacks.

i spent my time making sure to only eat certain foods if they were healthy for the baby. i would spend my day tending to its care to make sure nothing would harm my unborn child. and near the end of my pregnancy, i found out that my child was gonna be a girl !! 🥳🥳

the second half of the dream was spent raising my daughter.

she was literally the funniest, kindest, and the most perfect girl i'd ever encountered. i loved the little shit to death. like i'm not exaggerating when i say i would happily die for her if she asked nicely.

she liked to eat popsicles -- her favorites were the pink ones and she refused to eat anything flavored orange.

she loved slushies, but hated brainfreezes. like, ik that nobody enjoys getting a brain freeze, but she despised them. she would refuse to drink / eat cold foods due to her fear of getting one. ☹️

her favorite way to pass time was to draw in her coloring book. she liked to use crayons more than colored pencils or markers. she said they blended better ??

i loved her with my entire heart.

but when i woke up from my dream and my little girl wasn't with me? that was the most pain i'd ever felt in my whole life.

i cannot even begin to explain how mind altering that was for me. all my life, i swore up & down that i would never have children. i said this because i helped to raise my younger siblings for YEARS and i hated every second of it. so why would i willingly put myself through that? well i was given a pretty good reasoning after i met my daughter ☺️

i want my baby girl back so bad.

[i-would-get-in-the-water-naked]

Athena character design and headcanons

the quality is shit I know, I'm sorry :((

(ART BY ME)

istg if Tumblr fucks up again I will throw my PC out of the window.

anyway.

Headcanons

She's an outsider among the other Gods. They tend to underestimate her, sometimes even humiliate her, especially the men - because she's strong, smart, beautiful, and a woman. They feel like she threatens their status.

Ares is her younger brother (they're just a few years apart, which doesn't really matter now that they're adults because Gods age differently and slower than humans). They cannot stand each other. Ares hates the fact that one of Athena's purposes is being responsible for the fairness of wars - because he feels controlled by her.

Speaking of which, Ares often annoys her in any way he can think of. Athena hates that and it often ends up in her beating Ares' ass.

One more thing about Athena and Ares' relationship: they actually care about each other very much but won't admit it to anyone - not even themselves. They might piss each other off, but they'd never EVER hurt each other. They fight a lot but they make sure blood never gets involved.

The only person who has ever shown her any open support was Poseidon. They spent a lot of time together when Athena was young, he trained her in the skill of fighting, which is one of the reasons she's so good at it.

In the modern-day world, you could say she most definitely is on the autism spectrum. She doesn't understand emotion, hers, or others. The concept of love - both romantic and physical - just doesn't make sense to her (mostly because nobody has ever shown her any).

She probably thinks she's aroace in the way "I don't need love or sex" but if someone hugged her and told her they love her, she would either giggle and kick her feet or cry. Depends on the situation.

She hardly ever cries. She bottles up her emotions because she has always been told nobody cared. She overall is very calm and collected until something or someone hurts her pride and/or ego - which she uses as a defense mechanism because she figured that others don't like her because she's better than them.

She has white owl-like wings which she keeps hidden with a spell inside of the two scars she has on her back - she got the wings in a very painful process and they are very sensitive. She can also turn into an owl and she sometimes does it just to avoid talking to people.

Oh, and she LOVES birds. Like. In her chamber in the Olympus palace, she has a whole collection of sketchbooks which she used to draw birds into when she was little. Whenever she finds out any fact about one of the birds she has drawn, she finds the page it's on and writes the fact down next to it.

She's probably panromantic? But she has never gotten the opportunity to find out (and me neither so I don't have any idea what sexuality to give her).

[dadbastiandisaster]

First of all, thank you all so much for the nice reblogs on the Claude Headcanons, post, second of all

✨🌸 Hannah and the Triplets Headcanons 🌸✨

Hannah is the only Demon in the show I imagine as being very old and very powerful. She could kill Sebastian and Claude with both hands tied behind her back and it wouldn’t even be difficult for her. I also think she is a fallen Angel, unlike all the other Kuro Demons who I headcanon as humans who went to Hell

Conversely, the Triplets are all fairly young, only a couple of hundred years old, and especially individually they are fairly weak

I read on someone’s headcanons (possibly @eemoo1o-animoo) that they were one Demon broken into three, which I think is really cool, so I guess my other idea would be that they were a human soul that either as punishment or just be happenstance got broken into three

My personal headcanon is Demons can’t have kids, they just start existing, so the Triplets aren’t technically siblings, they just popped into existence in roughly the same region of Hell and have been together ever since.

Hannah saved their lives in Hell and they will now do pretty much whatever she says. They were also the first of instance of Hannah just being like ‘I’m your mum now deal with it’ (I’m electing to ignore all the weird shit about Hannah’s boobs - remember, Marie Kondo approach to canon)

She didn’t realise that what she felt for Luka was maternal love, and not hunger for his soul, and she does feel sorrow that she killed him. She had mostly taken contracts with less than pleasant humans that she was always more than happy to dispatch, so she’d never really spent much time around children.

She both wants to protect Alois from Claude for Luka’s sake, and because she felt she lost her chance to raise a child in Luka and so she sought out Alois.

She’d definitely try, but I honestly don’t know if Hannah would do a vastly better job than Claude. Other than anything else, since she barely talks to Alois, so she doesn’t really know him all that well, and he is a very different person to Luka

Also she’s approximately a bajillion years old so she definitely has 0 moral compass, even less of one than Claude or Sebastian.

The Triplets sometimes switch their partings around and pretend to be each other to fuck with Claude. Problem is, Claude doesn’t care which is which as long as things get done, so like, nobody’s winning

I think the Triplets do the ridiculous Cockney accents as a joke.

When they speak to others, they have to speak in turn. They will not speak individually. No one knows why.

Unlike sort of Claude and definitely Sebastian, Hannah has no issues reconciling her maternal feelings with her being a Demon. As previously mentioned, she is a bajillion years old and could probably kill people with her mind so she has absolutely nothing to prove. Also she has experienced all the murder and bloodshed one could ever hope to and maternal love is something relatively new to her.

Basically Hannah is mum and she’s a cool lady who can stab things and she is unfathomably old and powerful with no concept of puny human morals

Hannah is she/her and I think the Triplets are of the ‘whatever pronouns make the joke land’ persuasion.

The Triplets will obviously always side with Hannah, especially if it screws over Claude (Claude is a dick to them because he doesn’t want to deal with them and also he makes them do chores) but they really don’t have much in the way of personal stakes in the whole thing so they’re kind of just vibing

The Triplets don’t like Alois, but in an annoying younger brother way. Plus he stabbed Hannah’s eye out, so they have mild beef with him for that. It’s just as well because combined their forces of chaos would simply be too strong.

It would be cool if they were the Demons of threes, or trios. Since 3 is such a significant number, maybe it has a number, and maybe that’s why the human whose soul they were mad from was split?

Much like Claude, they do what Hannah tells them to but they’re not especially house proud.

Sebastian Michaelis, who lives at the Phantomhive manor & cleans 10,000 floors each day, is an outlier adn should not have been counted

Much like Claude, they just do not get why Sebastian puts so much effort in. Frankly, they think it’s weird.

They definitely fuck about when no-one’s looking

Actually entranced by light switches.

Pretended to be repelled by crosses to Alois until Hannah told them to stop.

Tldr: the Trancy Manor is chaos as well

Might make more of these at some point, but rsi is hitting to so here we are. Hope you enjoyed

[feybeasts]

Please don’t take from this any conclusions that I’m not trying to make here but.

I don’t fear dying anymore. Or at least- it doesn’t scare me like it used to. When I was younger, it terrified me, the notion that all this would come to an end someday. I dug deep into so very many… systems of belief, so many words of people wiser than I, and nothing seemed to sate the fear, nothing would bring me peace- it was like I couldn’t live anymore, and when my dad grew ill, it became a fever pitch. Eventually it wasn’t so much that I got over it, but I just got so… worn down, so bombarded with fear and anxiety and hurt that I just couldn’t dredge up the sensations anymore.

And when he died, I… cried, sure, I wanted him back, but there was a funeral to speak at, people to care for, I couldn’t grieve overmuch because like it or not, I had to keep living. And somehow, some way, I did.

I spent almost a decade like that. Just… carrying on. I wasn’t more than 25 years old when he passed away, still a kid in so many ways, especially with the struggles I was already facing, being autistic, anxious, facing traumatic stress I didn’t have a name for. I lived, despite the fear, despite the hanging, painful inevitability of it all.

And then, my childhood best friend lost her life to cancer. And my cat I had raised from a kitten. And my grandparents. Death after death after death.

And I stopped feeling anything- because each time, I was just… expected to be there. To be the strong one, the person that showed up. That was the mask I wore, there was no room to be anything else. I became hardened to it all. Loved ones just… slipped through my fingers, and all I could do was show up, little more than a black dog hanging at the edges of a half dozen cemeteries.

I’m not alone in this, I know people have been through worse, far worse. We often say death is one of the inevitable things in this world- “death and taxes” is the joke. And that inevitably haunted me, even if the fear didn’t. Any time I got sick, any time I felt off, any time I went to the doctor, all I could think was “well, is it my turn? Will this be the time they tell me it’s curtains?”

I mean, it felt inevitable, right? I had lost so much, so many people, so… thoughtlessly. Lung cancer, ovarian cancer, MRSA, kidney failure, a fucking… genetic defect. All just bad rolls of the dice, and my luck had never been all that good to begin with.

But the thing is, we can’t really… determine that for ourselves. I mean sure, you can do things that bring you closer, make that irreversible call- I am no stranger to attempts to check out early, I have the scars to prove it- but if you just… go on living, you don’t know when your time is up. And no matter how much you might assume you’re next on the chopping block after so many losses, sometimes you just keep… carrying on anyways.

For all the arrogance we have, for all our damnable pride, we ain’t craftier than the reaper. Maybe that’s for the best.

I’ve “kept carrying on” for the last eight years, regardless of what I thought. Sometimes I still feel like I’m still waiting for the other shoe to drop, like all this, all the good I’ve known, the people I love, like it’s all just… a sweet song on the air, that I just get to listen to it for a little while before someday there’s silence.

When I was young, I was so afraid of when the song ended that I didn’t listen while it played.

Nowadays, I just try to sit back and enjoy the tune.

Nobody knows what’s on the other side of that door. It’s scary to think about. But when my time comes to walk on through, I like to think I’ve at least enjoyed my time here.

And who knows? Maybe death’ll just greet me like an old friend. We’re familiar, them and I- I’ll at least shake their hand and nod that little bit of understanding between us.

It’s the least I can do.

[zynart]

Did Drake confide in Kendrick when on tour together (11 years 9 months ago as of Feb 2024) that someone told him she was pregnant?

Ok, so I feel very convinced by this theory and think it's what everything is pointing to. I think it's plausible both timeline-wise and psychologically. And I actually think it's the likeliest option and that people can find more evidence of this if they dig for proof a bit more. If anyone has evidence and can put the pieces together, we'll see over the months to come. Maybe people will find proof in the reblogs?

So: Kendrick spent 4 months touring with Drake from Feb-Jun 2012. How much time passed since Jun 2012 up to the release of Meet the Grahams? 11 years and 11 months. As in, an 11 year old girl who was conceived while they were on tour together would have had her 11th birthday just 2-3 months before Meet the Grahams was released. And as for nobody having yet found an actual daughter: my theory is that Drake found out he'd gotten some girl pregnant while they were on tour, and had her get an abortion because it would've affected his career and lifestyle at the time.

At the time, he would have probably felt some conflict about it because Drake does say in early-career interviews that he was excited to be a dad someday and be present in his kid's life. Back then, like most 25-year-olds do, he would've imagined being 30 or so as being in the far distance and imagined having a family and settling down around then. This was also back before he became this fully cynical misogynistic bachelor version of himself, back when he still sang about heartbreak and I think back then he still believed in love and he even described Rihanna as the love of his life up to 2016 so he probably imagined settling down and having kids eventually.

But like most 25-year-olds, he would've felt like it was too early and like he wanted to spend a few more years having fun and felt that it might both affect his career to have to devote time to being a dad, as well as his image of the sensitive rapper, so he asked her for an abortion. At the time, with it being a decision that would've weighed on him and with Kendrick being someone he spent so much time around at the time - someone that Drake would've seen as relatively mature and spiritual with a long-term relationship and faith, but who wasn't one of his oldest friends that he might have felt awkward or ashamed to talk about it to - out of the people who were around at the time, it was probably Kendrick that Drake would've confided in about this.

I think it's likely that Kendrick would've been supportive of him as a confidant, but that it would also have clarified for him that Drake partying and womanizing with the trappings of fame (as discussed in Buried Alive Interlude) wasn't what he wanted for himself. They were still cool after the tour, it was the Control verse aftermath that started the friction. Of course it was Drake's continued lifestyle descending into misogynistic Dorian Gray style debauchery, as well as him descending from caring about hiphop and having an original voice to becoming full-on culture vulture that phoned in albums.

From the Buried Alive Interlude and Kendrick's views in general, we know he would see all this as being something like Drake having fully sold his soul to the money and power and sex and hedonism that comes with fame. And he would see the continued Peter Pan syndrome, not growing up, possible dalliances with younger women, etc as Drake becoming soulless and numbed and chasing increasingly hardcore things to fill a void. That the Drake he once knew who was still a romantic and dreamed of being a good dad for his kids and so on had become a deadbeat who spent his life partying as some spiritual decay.

I think the fact that Kendrick sees current Drake as someone who wouldn't feel conflicted about asking for an abortion and might not even bother asking himself instead of just having his bodyguards or entourage follow up on every girl he fucks after the fact to ensure she's taken her Plan B or got an abortion if needed, that he's gone from it being a decision that would weigh on him to a decision he'd not give a second thought, as an example of Drake having somehow lost his soul so to speak.

So in that verse, he's reminding Drake of the timeline where he didn't have that kid aborted and was present in her life and never "lost his soul", saying that what the life path he chose instead has been living inside his songs and numbing himself through drugs and women with no wife (Rihanna or otherwise) and not even passion or purpose in his art anymore.

That in another life, Drake could've found fulfilment and love and purpose over his late 20s and his 30s, had to mature by being a dad, could've been making music reflecting that maturity and growth, might have avoided the ghostwriter allegations by never getting in Meek Mill beef, might have avoided the young women allegations by being a family man who didn't have to fill his void by chasing either validation by dating young or by taboos, might even have remained close friends with Kendrick over the years.

Drake's IG response saying he has no daughter missing that point with the metaphors not reaching him just further proved that he's so far gone he doesn't even think about that 2012 decision anymore. That even when Kendrick tried to get him to reflect, all he did was take it literally, do a mental check to be sure nobody that year had a kid through him and then laughed it off, he didn't remember the feeling of conflict and reflect on whether that was a sliding door moment where he went wrong,

(It may also not be an abortion and it might just be that the label paid her off and covered it up had her get the most ironclad NDA imaginable because he was a rising star and the label would've seen him as their biggest asset. With someone that sleeps around as much as Drake, it's statistically inevitable that he hasn't had at least some pregnancy scares - later in his career we know he's gotten more paranoid about it like with the admittedly unproven story about him putting chili sauce in used condoms to ensure nobody could get pregnant.

I think it's statistically likely that he has some unclaimed kids somewhere out there even if this isn't one, kind of in a Drake Equation way - pun intended - for how the Fermi Paradox comes from how even small possibilities multipled by a huge number of possible stars makes alien life almost certain, even small possibility of a pregnancy multiplied by a huge amount of women makes some kids almost certain. The CLB album art is even several pregnant women, etc. But I think it having been him getting some girl he impregnated to either abort the kid or disappear makes more sense and is very plausible without getting into overly dark or conspiracy territory)

UPDATE:

From the supposed texts of Drake and Sophie when she told him she was pregnant in 2017:

“Drake: I want you to have an abortion. Brussaux: I can't kill my baby simply to indulge you sorry. Drake: Indulge me? Fuck you. Brussaux: What? Drake: You do know what you're doing you think you're going to get money.”

Drake's reps initially denying the story said "She's one of many women claiming he got them pregnant".

This isn't any evidence of course. But the biggest thing still for me is that Drake and Kendrick were on tour together over 11 years and 9 months prior to when a kid could have their 11th birthday party not long before Meet the Grahams was released, not a coincidence

[sleeplessv0id]

Mom,

am I still young?

can I dream for a few months more...?

~ 🎼 ☆ 🎧 ~

Is this what I really wanted? What I've worked for for years now? I will be ahead of my classmates come graduation, but I wake up in some state of distress more often now than I have in a long time.

I have averaged one panic attack at school a week, and I spent my first 20 minutes of the first hour the first week hyperventilating in the bathroom. Now, rather than just reliving my assaults with one good dream as a filler episode, I wake up on the verge of a panic attack because I thought I forgot to turn something in, or do something, did I reply to that discussion post? Did I do this? Did I do that?

I can feel the looming of another depressive episode. Only, I have nobody this time!! People care, they say they do, but then they get mad at me for coming to them like they asked.

I had to beg for something for my anxiety in the morning, and when I say beg, I'm serious. I've been seeing my psychiatrist for 6 months now. She only took me seriously when I told her I've been having panic attacks. I have been taking naps any time I can, sleeping on time, and I'm still so tired.

At this rate, I am so stressed over so much. Last week, I couldn't find my kitten where she normally was, then I didn't see her when I came home, I dreamt of her dead in various horrible ways; in pain, and alone.

Clementine is my only reason to get up some days. Around family, I was always the outcast. "Nobody can fucking understand you," a prominent phrase through my childhood. My interests, my smile, my joy, all I remember being told is that I'm being too much. They think she's ugly, and I'm crazy for keeping her. The others may hate her, like they hate me.

I always couldn't "take a joke" or behave how they wanted me to. I'm learning now that I'm under the neurodivergent spectrum, but I feel like the more I learn about myself, the less control I have of myself anymore. I feel like I've regressed? I'm still wicked smart academically, but I can't go back to what I was before. I can't hold the smile. Keep the tone.

I love being this advanced in my education, I just have kinda realized I don't know. Through everything growing up, college was going to be my escape, and the sooner I got there, the better.

Last week, I was heavily considering just stopping doing my work and letting the waves run over me.

I miss being my mom's Haleybear, I miss my monster high dolls. I want to have "sleepovers" with my mom, where we just slept on the living room floor. I want my mom, but even when I see her, it feels like we're looking through each other.

Going through the system after being taken from my mother, I wanted her attention more than ever. I'd look forward to her visits, and I'd come bounding over only for my mom to drown me out and pay more attention to my younger siblings. Until I eventually just stopped trying.

The only time since then that I've felt her looking at me rather than through me was when it came out that all my cousins had SA'd me more than once at some point in my childhood. My aunt degraded me for it, mom said I could vent to her.

I never did. I don't want her to see that what's in my head is just as what's in hers.

She wrote me a letter one of the times she went to treatment. She said I was what gave her hope for life. I'm the only one out of my siblings who she stayed clean for the entirety of her time carrying me.

The closest I'll ever be to understanding my mother is through our disorder.

I miss my mom,

does she miss me too..?

[workingmyheartaway]

Me trying to blog. Idk if anybody will even see this.

I think I’m the most pathetic person alive, there was this guy I heard about from my sister growing up and I finally shot my shot with him and he used me for sex throughout my younger years. I’ve always been slightly achey over him. He reminded me of myself to a level I can’t explain his birthday is the day before mine and we had the same demeanor. He became an addict like me and we both got sober but when he got sober he got fit and he got a really big ego. Me and him started talking again. And I can’t even express to you how magical it was, it started as a phone call and then it became everyday. I had just left an abusive relationship so I was stand off ish trying not to put too much of myself in it or be too much but everyday more and more he begged me and spent so much time and effort into assuring. Me that he did care about me and I could trust him. I thought since he was making as much effort as he did that it was safe. I was so fucking happy I woke up every morning to the sweetest fucking text messages and when I went and saw him he looked at me in a way no man had ever. He handled me with care the way nobody had ever touched me. I thought everything was perfect. But I was driving three hours to see him and I started to realize that he wasn’t making that drive for me ya know. Idk it got in my head and I started to notice that everyday he was getting kinda shorter. But he still was texting me sweet things and he was texting me a lot and everyday. He was my best friend above all I told him things I’d never told anybody and he did the same. He was understanding and caring. But then I found out I was pregnant. I panicked for weeks and the whole time he was calm and almost excited. Then one day I woke up to a message saying he loved me and could see a future with me. We picked out names for the baby and he assured me everything. Would be okay. I tried not to love him something deep down told me it wasn’t safe but I failed and he became so much to me. The very next morning after he told me he loved me I woke up to a text saying he just wanted to be co parents and he didn’t think he ever meant what he said he told me he didn’t think he ever liked me. It broke me to read that and know that I would now be without him so I relapsed. And I made a complete fool of myself. I begged for him to care about me and when he said he could t and didn’t want to do it anymore I told him to stop existing out of my life and never try to be a father…. He took me seriously. I’ve been blocked on everything for over a month. I’ve texted him from different apps updating him on the baby like he originally wanted I know that’s crazy of me but idk I just feel like he should know. I got a job serving and have spent every second trying to work my heart out and forget about him but lately I’ve had a few hours taken away due to overtime and I can’t get him off my mind I want to let him go so fucking bad. I always think I’m over it but then when the world slows down something inside me deeply aches physically I miss him so gd bad it takes my breathe away then I start to realize he shouldn’t have meant this much because I never meant anything to him. I forgot to add that a week after this went down and I was in mid relapse I got a message from a mutual friend where his location showed up in my town. The only other person he knows that lives here is his ex he never made that drive for me but he did for her and my for did that make me feel so worthless. I hate him but I don’t. Idk what to do or how to let go, I’ve been trying to replace him I know that’s not the answer but I can’t even find anybody I’m attracted to anymore… I can’t hold a conversation with anybody or care about them. I don’t care about anything anymore and idk what to do. I’ve never been so close to giving up as I am over a guy that never even gave a fuck about me. He used me once again and I fell for it I didn’t have enough respect for myself to see his intentions. Idk what to do and I’m scared that he ruined me for life.

[worldssmallestghost]

Pendragon and being an adult.

So, I've been making a lot of Pendragon Adventures posts while I'm here. I found the series when I was in middle school. I started with the first book and got hooked pretty quickly. I've always been a sucker for, well, for lack of better terms, isekai stuff.

I spent the next few years chasing the books down, being there when books nine and 10 were released. So, if I was a teen when I read these books, why am I talking about them now, as a thirty something year old? I've grown to read more adult series, I've begun even writing my own dark fantasy novel. Why am I here?

I was in a dark place during 2020, but who wasn't? I didn't have much going for me aside from a job that had only one perk; being able to listen to audiobooks while performing my menial tasks. I decided, after finishing A Song of Ice and Fire, that I'd move onto something more light-hearted. In hindsight, yeah, maybe as an adult reading a book meant to deliver darker themes to kids was a bit of a weird decision.

I started listening and begun to pick up on themes I hadn't in my youth. Sure as a teen, I noticed the themes of hardship and found family and friendship pushing through even the darkest times.

But as an adult during these... Quite frankly, uncertain times...

Book six is what made me think. The themes of fascism and disease and humanity's stubbornness in the face of what's right, being blinded by hatred...

I envy my younger self for not being able to identify with those messages. With finding them to just be fantasy elements made to raise the stakes in the story.

I finished Raven Rise recently. I'm on Soldiers of Halla currently.

Ravinia is real, to an extent. Not literally, Halla and Alexander Naymeer and the travelers and Saint Dane aren't real. But the fanaticism? The very real levels of approaching fascism that humanity is speeding towards, despite the fact that some people who *lived through that* are still alive?

God.

I wrote earlier about learning to appreciate Soldiers of Halla's ending. As a teen, I hated it. I hated the idea that Bobby would throw away his friends and memories. I hated that everything had just gone "the way it was supposed to be". I wrote about how as an adult who's gone through some really hard times in my life, I can see why Bobby would throw all that away. Throw his trauma away. He lost a lot, but gained peace. Something I, an adult with stress and trauma disorders, wish I could do.

"Hobey ho" has stuck in my mind all these years as a triumphant "I CAN DO THIS!" hail Mary. As dorky as it sounds, on my wedding day, I had planned to say it in my vows to the person I love more than life itself, someone who has never read these books. Nobody in the room besides me ever had. I wanted to take this next challenge in my life on with the same enthusiasm as an over-energetic aquaneer about to take on a space fascist.

It brings me back to a time I was more care-free, where my biggest problems were if the girl I liked wanted to say she liked me back. While also reminding me of a grim future lurking around the corner, and that there are good people out there who just want the human species to make the right choices.

Once I'm finished book ten, I'm gong to listen to them all again in a row and then leave the series for a while. Until I feel I've reached another turning point in my life worthy of looking back at Bobby Pendragon's struggles through space and time.

I'll ride down the flume again someday and face whatever comes next with two words in my heart.

Hobey ho.

[justsome-di]

Nobody Ends Up Dead in a Bathtub, Everyone Keeps Their Organs: Chapter 11

Summary: Alex is an ordinary, highly-introverted office worker. He clocks in and out and goes home to his little apartment he shares with his younger sister. He hasn’t dated in years. Until his co-workers set him up on a blind date.

The only issue is he and his date are not on the same page. At all.

While Alex thinks it’s a normal date, Damián is under the impression Alex is a client who paid to be there. No-so-quickly, they realize something is up. It’s all a prank. Damián is a sex worker Alex’s co-workers hired as a sick joke.

After reassuring that they’re both okay, Alex decides he wants revenge for both him and Damián. The plan is to use the stigma of sex work and start a 6-week, scandalous fake dating scheme with a big finale at the office Halloween party. Alex’s co-workers will be too horrified to try to prank him again. At least, that’s the plan.

You can also read this on AO3, or Patreon (patrons also get chapters a week early along with bonus content). If you’re enjoying the story and want to support me in other ways, I do have a ko-fi! Or consider dropping me a message in my inbox or reblogging this post!

Eve threw her bag over her shoulders with little care for the aging straps. It sat heavily on her shoulders. The bulk of her laptop and textbooks weighed her down and reminded her of the ache in her lower back that she had initially earned from work.

Her keychains rattled as they smacked into one another and collided with her pins and buttons. A Tom Nook hit a Secret Police badge. An enamel coffee mug was assaulted by a Master Sword. All the plastic clinked together, echoing her nerdiness to the empty room. If she cared enough, she would think of herself as cringe. But she had too many other things on her mind to consider when she crossed the line from cool geek to weirdo.

“Are you feeling any better about any of this?” Leo asked.

“Kinda.”

It wasn’t the right answer. Leo didn’t look pleased that they were only in the “kinda” stage. He was so good at math, he was probably annoyed that she was taking so long to understand anything. Every time he had to go over a formula with her again or correct her steps, she felt she was burdening him. Even though he didn’t outwardly show it, she knew she had to have been the worst person in his life at the moment.

Leo was always passive in their study sessions. He corrected her without any sharpness in his tone. He would slowly erase her progress and tell her to try again, not ever giving her the answer.

But he was staying late for her. He could have been back in his dorm or his apartment or wherever rather than running through the same math problems over and over, correcting her, and re-teaching her how to work through formulas and watching her make the same mistakes over and over and over again.

“Better than I was feeling about it,” Eve said, hoping that would help her win some favor with Leo.

“When’s your exam again?” he asked.

“November 1st. Dr. Felner took major pity on me.”

But she was still going to try to be nice to Leo. He was the only other student she spent so much time with, and she was starting to feel a little kinship with him.

About a week ago, she passed him as he was leaving a campus coffee shop. He waved at her and smiled, and his smile felt familiar. Like she had seen it before. It was something about how it brightened his whole face or how his teeth were so straight it was like he should have been in an ad for braces.

After that, she thought maybe there was a chance that he didn’t totally hate her enough to ignore her. But then again, anyone would be in a good mood at noon, holding an iced coffee compared to 6 pm in a stuffy academic center.

Leo, she was sure, was nice and kind. She just always saw him with dark circles under his eyes after a long day of his own shit.

He pulled his own bag on. There was the rattle of his own keychains and pins. One keychain, an old thing, popped off its chain and bounced off the table.

“Noo!” Leo cried, tone way too dramatic for the impression he had already left on Eve.

Eve stooped to grab it off the carpet and handed it back. It had been a clean break. The chain had fallen out of its little nook in the plastic of the charm. There was a glob of dried hot glue on it where it had been repaired before.

“I like your Charmander,” she said.

Immediately, Leo brightened. He put it in the center of his palm and held it out to her so she could get a better look.

“Thanks!” It was the most expressive Eve had seen Leo since the coffee shop. He smiled again, and Eve could not place why it reassured her so much. “I got him from a claw machine. I spent, like, 20 bucks to get him.”

“You spent 20 dollars on that?”

“Yes! Look at him! He’s so cool.”

Eve nodded along with him. It was pretty cool. It was almost chibi-like and stood up perfectly on its own. The colors were vibrant but overall a little off and basic. Charmander’s body was a little too yellow. The flame on the tail was missing some depth. It looked like it could be unofficial merch in any of the many bogus restaurants in the city that stocked weird games and even weirder prizes.

But Eve had finally found a way to get Leo to say more than a few words to her. She was going to pounce.

“Do you play a lot of Pokémon?” Eve asked.

“Yeah!”

Eve slipped her bag off one shoulder and swung it around. She showed him her Ponyta keychain. She had gotten her from some mystery box from some store in New Jersey over the summer. While she wasn’t particularly a huge fan of Ponyta, she didn’t have enough money to buy another mystery box.

Alex had said it was cool when she brought it back to his apartment at the start of the school year. Ponyta had some good attacks. He secured it to her bag for her, and it stayed there ever since.

“Dope. Ponyta is pretty badass, but I’m personally loyal to the starters,” Leo said. His eyes caught something else. He pointed to the pink and orange rainbow pin on the front of her bag. “I like your rainbow.”

“Oh. Thanks.”

“Does it mean anything?”

Leo looked at Eve so earnestly, and Eve wanted to assume that he was a good guy, that he would have no problem if she told him it was lesbian pride colors. If she wanted to actually get to know him, he would have to know her. At some point, she would have to let him know that she was gay.

But she still froze. She didn’t know whether or not she should avoid the question, make up some lie about how she just liked rainbows, or that it was a reference to a movie or the emblem of a secret society on campus. She could tuck her secret away and hide it away until later. Until she was certain she wanted to tell him.

“Is it a gay thing?” Leo asked.

Eve could hardly breathe. It was a mistake to have the pin on there if she didn’t want to be asked about it. “Yeah.”

“What kind of gay thing?”

“What?”

“Like. Is it a special pride pin for October? Like breast cancer? I think that’s cool if that’s it.”

Eve shook her head. Did he really think the gays collaborated on merch with breast cancer awareness organizations? Did he think that queer people created different pins as special, limited-edition collectibles? It was kind of a cool idea but a bit too capitalist.

Her brief panic was instantly over. Damián looked at her so earnestly. It was like staring into the eyes of a Labrador Retriever. A young, clueless Chocolate Lab.

“No,” Eve said. “It’s the lesbian flag colors.”

“No shit? Lesbians have their own colors?”

“Yeah?”

“That’s dope!”

Leo looked excited to be learning so much. Eve was startled by the sudden switch. Only a moment ago it was like he wanted nothing to do with her. Regardless, her anxiety had easily melted away. Leo was okay. They had just needed a little nudge toward each other. They just needed Pokemon and gay pride to come out of their shells a little.

“I’m an ally,” Leo said, putting a hand to his chest.

“I can tell.”

“My brother’s gay.”

“Cool.”

“It’s super cool. And I love lesbians, too.”

Leo turned off the lights to the lounge of the academic center. It was where all tutoring sessions took place. There was comfortable seating for the students, snacks and coffee, and fancy tables with whiteboards as tabletops. During the day, it was pretty busy if only because people were swinging by for a morning or afternoon fix of caffeine.

In the evening, once all the real adults who worked there clocked out, it was eerily empty. The high ceilings imposed some feeling the opposite of claustrophobia. Something that reminded Eve of nightmares of drowning in an ocean with no land in sight.

“I also love trans people,” Leo said.

“You love the whole alphabet.”

“I do! So much!”

Leo held open the door leading out of the building. Eve stepped through it and down the few steps right outside. The campus was still lively. The sun was just starting to go down, and everyone was taking advantage of the last few warm evenings of the year. Girls whizzed by on skateboards, packs of seniors were carrying hammocks to try to find someplace on campus to hang them and then pretend to study. Really, they were all going to update their Instagram accounts.

“I really am an ally,” Leo said. “My brother’s taught me all this stuff about Stonewall and stuff. Have you heard of Stonewall?”

Eve wanted to sigh, but she could tell he wasn’t trying to be condescending. He was genuinely interested in talking about it. “Yes. I have. It’s pretty well-known among us gays.”

“I think it’s great. Throwing bricks and shit at the cops,” Leo went on. “I’d throw a brick for the LGBT community.”

“We’ll have to meme that. ‘Leo threw the first brick at Stonewall.’”

“Thanks, but I don’t want to take credit away from a black trans woman.”

Eve turned around. She was about to tell Leo that he didn’t have to worry. She was almost certain their meme would be harmless. It was like an inside joke with the LGBT community that she’d let him be in on.

But before she could say anything, she looked past Leo and at the picnic benches on the front lawn of the academic center. A group of boys sat at the one closest to her and Leo. They had textbooks out in front of them but were clearly not reading them.

Eve had a class with them. Though, that class was so big she didn’t know their names or anything about them besides the fact they usually sat a couple of rows ahead of her. She was one of the few girls in that class. Every day, they looked at her. At first, when they waved, she waved back. But as the semester went on, they’d look back at her and laugh and turn to one another.

It was hard to tell why they did all that. They could have been harmless, and Eve wanted to give them the benefit of the doubt. It could have been playful teasing. Playground, recess-type stuff a parent or a teacher would brush off with just, “That just means he likes you.”

They watched her wait on Leo. She didn’t look directly at them but could still see them out of the corner of her eye. She stared straight ahead, grabbing the straps of her bag tight.

Leo joined her, gave her a look, and then turned towards the boys. When Eve started to walk away, the boys started shifting around in their seats.

It was probably nothing. They were probably just getting up to go back to their dorms. But Leo sidled up close to her, his Chocolate Lab eyes shadowed.

Leo towered over her. When they first met, she thought that he must have been an athlete on campus. He had to have been over six feet, making him a solid foot taller than her.

“Where do you live?” Leo asked Eve.

“Off-campus.”

He took her arm and pulled her down the sidewalk. “Do you live far?”

“No. It’s in walking distance.”

“I’ll walk you there.”

“Thank you.”

It wasn’t until they were on the edge of campus that Eve started trembling. She was reminded of all the times she had made it back to Alex’s apartment in tears, her phone in her hand, finger ready to dial Alex’s number.

It truly sucked how much power men had. They could make her feel unsafe, terrified even. Or, if they cared, they could protect her. Like Leo was doing. The only thing that could stop a man was another man. Even Alex, who was not at all intimidating with his stocky build and baby face, could ward off creepy comments just by standing next to her.

The whole thing burned her up inside, but all she could think, walking through the city, was that she was lucky Leo was one of the good ones.

“How are you liking your other classes?” Leo asked.

“They’re fine. It’s just calc that I’m struggling with. I don’t get why I even need to take it.”

“It’s not a bad thing to be well-rounded.”

“I guess not.”

“And math is more than just math. It teaches you how to deconstruct problems before you solve them.”

They walked for a while longer, their conversation dying. Eve eventually calmed down. She was thinking about what she was going to make for dinner, whether or not they had pasta or something frozen she could shove in the oven. Alex was always nice and made sure, whenever he did the shopping, that he picked up things that she liked and could cook with her limited culinary talent.

“You know, I’ve never seen you around campus before,” Leo said.

“It’s a big campus.”

“True.”

“And I’m only a sophomore. You’re a senior.”

“Yeah.”

Eve led him around a corner. He kept close as people walked past. An old woman walking her tiny dog. A couple in matching beanies. The least intimidating the city had to offer.

They passed a bookstore with a pride flag in the window. The rainbow stripes and the triangle were prominent in the window. The flag was creased still from the packaging. The plastic-y material would never let the crinkles go until they were properly steamed out.

It wasn’t an uncommon sight anymore for flags to be displayed in businesses or outside homes or apartments, but Leo still stared it down as they came up on it, met it, and left it behind until his neck was all twisted around.

“Um, about the ally thing,” Leo said. “Do you know anything about the ally group on campus?”

“The GSA?”

“Yeah. I’ve seen some stuff about it, but I don’t really know all that much about it. Are you part of it?”

“I go to the meetings. Most of the time. They have a Twitter if you ever want to see what they do.”

“Like things they do around campus?”

“Yeah.”

“Do they do stuff often?”

“Every so often, yeah. I think there’s something coming up this weekend.”

“What is it?”

“There’s a queer author visiting. She’s giving a lecture or something.”

“Oh! I’d go to that!”

“’Cause you’re an ally?”

“Exactly! Will you be there?”

Eve hadn’t been planning on it. She had worked last weekend and the weekend before that. She had been looking forward to time to veg out on the couch. Nothing seemed more appealing than playing video games until her eyes were crossed and there was a deep ache in her sockets. And hanging out with Leo outside of tutoring was a drastic step to be taken right after their first real conversation.

But she found herself saying yes to Leo, and she found herself listening to him excitedly go on about how he was going to tell his brother he was going to a GSA event.

It was just a lecture—not that Eve meant to downplay the importance of their guests, but it was low-key compared to everything else the group did around campus. It wasn’t like their drag shows or their Friends-giving every November. It was just a thing to show up to when you didn’t have any other plans and were feeling something insightful.

Eve agreed to meet up with Leo there. She pulled up the promotional flyer from their Twitter account and got Leo’s number to send it to him. Leo asked how early they should get there, and she said it wasn’t like a movie premiere. There would be plenty of seats. They could get there a few minutes early and be fine.

Leo dropped her off at the front of her building and waited for her to get through the doors before turning around and starting off toward his own destination. No doubt, he was feeling pretty good about himself. Not only did he befriend a lesbian, but he was going to a queer lecture. Truly the ally they all needed, Eve thought.

[neurodiversebones]

so almost everyone in the squint squad has established childhood trauma (brennan, booth, sweets), what was all of their mental health like when they were younger? how did they cope? i hope you're doing alright!!!

OH i really adore this question !!! i <3 angst potential and i love these mf's sad backstories . gonna be honest, this is darker than most things i've posted before. it's mostly based on my own experiences and the experiences of a lot of my close friends- i'm gonna put a trigger warning for mention of abuse, self harm, eating disorders , substance abuse (drugs and alcohol), and suicide under the read more . please take care of yourselves !!! nothing is given graphic detail, but use your judgement and please don't read if it'll trigger you . i love you !!!

this evolved past just . their younger years and kind of became their Journeys with their mental health . i have a lot of thoughts pls ask me more about this omg :-))

i wrote so fucking much about this btw . i didn't know i had that many thoughts about this until i started writing and couldn't stop . my brain is Buzzing with angst for them .

brennan : brennan's mental health was always a little rocky, since she really struggled with loneliness in school, and didn't have many friends . as a kid, she never really understood why people didn't like her. she knew there was something different about her, but she couldn't see why people were so mean to her- the bullying lasted pretty much from the time she started school to graduation, and it was hell. a lot of adults didn't believe her or want to help her, and so she spent a lot of her childhood thinking that it was her fault she felt so alone. she didn't get to experience friendships as a kid, and despite learning being her favourite thing in the world, school was never a safe place for her.

however , once her parents left it got a Lot worse- the abandonment, and subsequent abuse she experienced in foster care, is what triggered her to develop ptsd. she was in some really bad homes- we get a few of the details in canon (like the family that locked her in the trunk of a car for breaking a dish), but there was always more. some were outright violently abusive, like that one, some were neglectful, and some, while not actively horrible, made it very clear that they didn't care much for her and she wasn't really a part of their family. she struggled with a lot of depression and hopelessness in her teen years because of this- the abuse was really difficult to deal with, and she turned to self harm and an eating disorder as a way to give herself some control over the situation. she spent almost all her time hiding away in her room studying, so between that and the constantly chaotic living situations, nobody even noticed what she was doing to herself. a social worker made her do therapy once, but she refused to speak the entire session, and continued to do so until she was allowed to quit. it hurt her, that nobody cared enough to notice that she was hurting herself, but she didn't want to ask for help because she refused to rely on anyone else after she'd already been abandoned once.

this, along with passive suicidality, followed her into adulthood, especially because she refused to address the problem or seek help. even for a good part of canon (really, up until season 6), we see her struggle with her mental health, struggling to understand the trauma she experienced as well as struggling to comprehend that even with all of that in her past, she can have positive relationships. her friendships helped her a lot though !! her friends at the jeffersonian were pretty much the first time in her life she wasn't... alone. this, along with actually finally seeking out help (therapy and meds), helped her to recover so she could finally feel Alive again (a big motivation for her was so that she could be a good mom to christine and hank <3) .

booth : we know from canon that booth has ptsd and experienced suicidal thoughts in his childhood . the trauma of the abuse from his dad fucked him up a lot- when he was a kid, he didn't really let it show, since he was in survival mode. he tried to be the best he could, be charming and happy and smart, both to avoid the abuse and to make sure nobody found out, since it was guaranteed that would make it worse. once he and jared were finally able to escape it and go live with their grandfather, it was the first time he actually let himself feel those feelings, and it was bad. his trauma manifested through anger- he wanted to hurt his dad for the torture he put them through, but he couldn't, so he took it out on himself instead. i think he struggled a lot with self harm in his youth and teen years, and continued to struggle with suicidal thoughts. he attempted, once, in highschool, but just woke up the next morning and pretended everything was fine. none of his friends ever knew he was hurting, most of them didn't even know about what he'd gone through as a kid. but his grandfather found the note in his room that day and talked to him about it when he got home, and he cried for probably the first time in years. that's what got him to finally accept help- he didn't realize how bad it was until that conversation.

another thing that was really triggering for him was alcohol- he was a football player, and all his friends were party boys. they drank a lot, and he usually avoided it. the most he ever had was a single beer, since he was terrified of losing control and being like his father. there was one time he got wasted- it was at a party, and he stumbled home that night. jared was in the kitchen, getting something to eat . booth was about 16 then, so jared was only 12 or 13. jared saw that he was drunk, and completely froze in fear, completely having a flashback. this fucked booth up- he was absolutely terrified of drinking from there on out, and was pretty much 100% sober until he was out of college.

angela : angela's mental health was pretty good until her late teen years (around 16). she had good friends, lots of hobbies, and she was really close with her dad. we don't know what happened to her mom, but i suspect it wasn't anything good- either she died when angela was young, or left. angela had some Issues with that, but it wasn't a huge deal for most of her life, since it had almost always been just her and her dad. when she was about sixteen though, things got rough- this is when her bipolar started, and it was really hard. she would cycle really rapidly in between manic and depressive episodes, and had some really terrifying mixed episodes as well (which can be really dangerous). she started getting more self destructive too- she developed an eating disorder around this time (bulimia), and started engaging in a lot of reckless behaviour that she could excuse by being a "party girl". she would binge drink, experiment with drugs, have reckless sex, etc. people worried about her, but she didn't even understand how dangerous any of it was until she hit rock bottom right at the end of her junior year. she was wildly depressed, and could barely get out of bed- her dad pulled her out of school, and she spent the last month of the school year just trying to get better. he cancelled a bunch of tour dates just to be with her and help her recover, and with a lot of help, things did start to get better.

her senior year, she didn't feel like going back to the place that had her so ill. and so she did her final year through homeschool, and spent it on the road with her dad. this was the best decision she ever made- it's where she fell in love with art, painting all the beautiful things she saw and learning to express how she was feeling through creation rather than destruction. when she goes to college the next year , she's in a MUCH more stable place and although she still struggles, she's much better at coping.

hodgins : hodgins started struggling with his mental health at a pretty young age (like, early middle school), but because of his families status, it was frowned upon to talk about. he didn't understand what was going on with him, just that he was so, so angry and sad all the time. he thought that something was wrong with him, that he was broken in some way, but he knew instinctively that it was something he wasn't supposed to talk about. he realized he was trans sometime around this age too, which really impacted his mental health- his dysphoria was really bad at this time, since there was nothing he could do about it. he had to keep his hair long, wear the "girls" uniform at school, act like a "proper lady" when his family was around. there was so much anger and sadness inside of him that he just didn't understand or know what to do with, which lead to a long battle with self harm that continued into his adulthood. his parents were aware of this, they just... wanted to ignore it until it went away.

when he was an older teenager, there was more he could do- he chopped all his hair off, which infuriated his parents, and was constantly in detention in school for refusing to wear the "proper" uniform. he wouldn't respond to his deadname, only jack, which got him in a lot of shit both in school and at home. he was already hurting himself as a way to rebel against this, but turned to drinking and drugs as another way to say "fuck you" to his family and the life he never felt like he belonged in. he fell in with a rougher crowd, since they were the only ones who understood and accepted him, and got into a bunch of trouble as a teen. he doesn't like to think back on those years. through university, he cleaned up his act a little, but really only on the outside. he was still wildly depressed, drinking, and so goddamn angry. it wasn't until he found his passion in school that he really started to care about his life- but once he found it, he realized he really did want to live. it was still really fucking hard, but he started to try to get better. he stayed mostly no-contact with his family, and started engaging in life more, trying to find hobbies and friends and have relationships that didn't revolve around just suffering and surviving together.

cam : cam grew up with a big pressure to be the perfect child placed upon her- she was the oldest daughter, and spent her whole childhood being "the smart one". she was really popular too, and from the outside looked like she had everything. but she really struggled with loneliness, and didn't feel like she fit in anywhere due to her undiagnosed autism and the pressure to constantly mask. the pressure of keeping up with her friends, of having perfect grades, of getting into the perfect school, of making her parents proud... caught up with her a lot once she was in her mid-late teen years. her eating disorder started around 15, and it offered her a huge sense of control in a world where she didn't feel like she had much- it was the easiest way to get away with hurting herself too. and it got her the approval and praise she wanted so badly- she looked like she was being healthy, and everyone praised her for how "good" she looked. it helped her fit in.

speaking of fitting in, her loneliness and the pressure to mask was really hard in highschool. sure, she had lots of friends, but she didn't feel like she connected with a single one of them. she knew there was something different about her, but she just couldn't figure out what it was. and so, she did everything in her power to try seem "normal". her friends were big party-goers, and so she would be too. she would drink... a somewhat concerning amount at parties. it was the only time she wasn't stressing about looking "right", about acting "normal". she was fun, and bubbly, and people liked her. boys liked her, her friends were too drunk to care that she was so obviously different to them, and she wasn't worried for once in her life. it doesn't help that alcohol and restrictive eating disorders is a known Really Bad Combination.

her ocd was also a big part of why she needed so much control in her life- her ocd started in childhood, around age 9. people thought she was just an anxious kid and a bit of a drama queen, but it was really scary for her. she had a lot of intrusive thoughts about the people around her getting hurt, and so her compulsions were really urgent and terrifying because she was so scared of things being her fault. in her teen years, her ocd fed into her ed a lot, but it also isolated her even further- she was so scared of being ostracized that she never enjoyed herself and . it sucked, to be the person who was always smiling but never really felt happy.