#I sound like I have multiple personalities

[batmanisagatewaydrug]

Hat in hand, thank you for your time, sex ed question: do orgasms from masturbation and orgasms from partnered sex actually feel different? Is it just the intimacy that makes people like it more?

hi anon,

great question, and I'm about to make a real meal of it.

so, first off, let's make one thing clear: the mechanisms that create an orgasm are the same regardless of the cause. no matter what's getting you off, regardless of what part of your body is being stimulated, it's the same nerves and muscles responding.

that may sound obvious, but it hasn't always. Freud, for instance, advanced the idea that vaginal and clitoral orgasms were fundamentally different, and that women who preferred to orgasm by touching their clitoris were less psychologically mature than women who preferred vaginal orgasms. fast forward to now, and we know the only difference between a clitoral and vaginal orgasm is that clitoral orgasms are generally easier, thanks to the incredible amount of nerve endings - and that many orgasms that result from vaginal penetration result at least in part from the large internal portion of the clitoris being stimulated through the vaginal wall. huge W for the clit!

now, having said that: just because the mechanics are the same doesn't mean that every orgasm is going to fee identical, or that every single thing that could produce an orgasm is going to actually work for everyone. sex with a partner can feel very different from sex with a vibrator which can feel very different from sex with just your hand, and even those individual methods aren't going to result in the exact same experience every time. there are a tremendous number of factors that influence arousal and sexual response, including many that have nothing to do with sex directly but nonetheless impact your body and mind and the way stimuli is received.

think of it as being similar to a meal - you could eat the exact same food, prepared the same way, two times and still feel very differently about depending on other factors in your day. when you're in a good mood, enjoying a day off, and able to sit with your food for as long as you like with no rush, you might savor the meal much more, take the time to appreciate the individual flavors and ingredients, and eat more in a single sitting. you might spend the rest of the day thinking about how good the food was, and look forward eagerly to the leftovers. whereas if you come to lunch on a short break from work, unable to devote much time to eating and already stressed out from an unpleasant day, you may be more likely to eat quickly to sate your hunger and zip back to work without taking much time to think about the food at all, because the meal is just fuel to keep going.

neither of these ways of eating are wrong; they both serve different needs and have a time and place. while I'd love to be able to cherish each meal, I'm certainly not going to pretend that I never eat just to have enough fuel to keep chugging until the next meal.

and, to extend this metaphor: we were imagining that was the exact same food, eaten under two very different circumstances. now factor in the infinite different kinds of food a person could eat in infinite different situations. now imagine that it's things that make you cum instead of food (which are still the same thing, for somebody out there, and to them I say congrats for speedrunning this one), and you've got a pretty good grasp on how infinitely variable the experience of orgasm is.

so: do orgasms with partners actually feel different? sure, but only in the sense that all orgasms can feel different from each other.

partnered orgasms can come with a lot of extra bells and whistles thanks to involving a whole other person (or multiple people), which opens the door to many more forms of stimulation than most people can manage on their own, as well as some inherent unpredictability - while you can, obviously, know exactly how you plan to touch yourself and receive pretty immediate feedback to how it makes you feel, but with other people you gain both the ability to be surprised and the necessity of much more communication than solo sex. all of that means that partnered sex can be a pretty substantially different experience than getting off alone - not necessarily worse or better, but definitely different, and definitely not just because of how the orgasm feels.

so why do people like it more? well, not all people do. for some people, it's vastly easier and more comfortable to just get off alone. some people like partnered sex but don't orgasm easily in the process; I'm one of those! I think I've had a grand total of one (1) sexual partner who could reliably get me off, but that didn't mean I wasn't having fun with the others - orgasm just wasn't a priority, because I went in knowing I'd probably need to finish myself off if I wanted to cum and didn't sweat it.

of course, the opposite also exists - for some people, masturbation doesn't do jack shit, and partnered sex is the way to go. some people only get off, or vastly prefer to get off, to scenarios that necessitate the presence of other people. some people aren't that interested in sex for the sake of sex, but like having a sense of connection with their partner(s).

and for many, there's no need to have a preference between getting off alone or with a partner in the first place - they're filling two different needs, without needing to be compared. why pit two bad bitches against each other? for me, getting myself off is easy and convenient, and having sex with someone else is a great way to play. both good, both serving totally different niches in my life.

tl;dr: variety in all things, babes.

[heechwe]

not even sometimes | 𝐜𝐬

୨୧ pairing: choi san x fem!reader ୨୧ word count: 5k ୨୧ genre: fluff, sprinkles of angst, smut ୨୧ tags: neighbor to lovers au, healthy communication for the win, switch!san, dirty talk, pet names, heavy petting, fingering, nipple play, unprotected sex, multiple orgasms, squirting, creampie ୨୧ synopsis: You've never been good at planning for the unexpected, much less a new neighbor. But the man in question may just love that about you, among other things you didn't see in yourself to begin with. ⟢ AUTHOR'S NOTE: This fic is a remaster of an old fic I wrote years ago for a member of NCT, the original title being "Where We Begin." Seeing as I am not following that group anymore and I thought it'd be fun to polish up some old work, what the hell. Thank you to my betas for reading this one, @prkhaven @lovetaroandtaemin @tinycatharsis @jjunbug @innocygnet, I love you lots. Title inspiration from "Sometimes" by Ariana Grande!

Some people know the instant something begins, the start of something new brimming with possibilities palpable within the surrounding air. 

For you, it’s not that simple. 

It seems some things come and go in your life without warning or realization. You’ve fought enough for things to stay or leave for so many years that now it’s almost a godsend to lack that kind of perception. Whether it be for a new job opportunity, an unexpected act of kindness, or a person, it’s all the same. Beginnings can be as subtle as a wisp of wind through your window, or as abrasive as thunderclaps that rattle an entire room. Regardless, you’ve not caught on.

Lucky for you, Choi San isn’t subtle. With a body like his, how could he be?

The first time San greets you, he’s carrying an ottoman on his shoulder and a football in his hand. The early Saturday morning permeates through the hallway window, emphasizing his stark black hair and encroaching size, but he’s so beautifully smiling you felt nothing but warmth for the man in front of you. Across from your apartment sits his door halfway open, giving you ample opportunity to notice the manila moving boxes crowding the space of his new home.

The place had been empty for almost a month before San, the pain of Jeongin saying goodbye fresh every time you came home. The kid was a hilarious neighbor and a great friend, and while he didn’t leave your life, watching him go after three years left a noticeable pang of sadness. Having a new neighbor so soon felt foreign, unwelcome. But once San drops the ottoman carefully onto the small span of tile between your apartments and extends a hand, you know you can get used to the change if the new neighbor in question is this open, welcoming, and drop-dead gorgeous.

You give San your name with a smile, a soft yet large hand enveloping your smaller one. “You’ll love it here. I’ve been here for almost five years, never a problem.”

“That’s perfect. I’ve been couch-surfing for two months, so anything is better than my friends’ smelly socks and booty calls.”

You giggle, the sound reverberating off the highway walls. It almost makes you forget your choice of clothing, the realization suddenly hitting you.

You love your duck-patterned pajama bottoms and tattered college sweatshirt, but the clothing isn’t exactly the best outfit to meet new people in. Then again, nobody dresses up to run downstairs and get their weekly mail anyway, even if there’s a chance of running into someone as handsome as your new neighbor. “Sorry I’m not that presentable. I didn’t know you’d be coming today.”

“It’s no problem. I should’ve moved in yesterday, but I had an emergency. Well, if you could call a friend needing a three-page recipe an emergency.” San grins and shrugs, twirling the ball between his hands.

You giggle, pointing a finger towards the football. “So, you play sports and cook?”

“Not really, just a parting gift from my friend Woo for the recipe I owed him. I guess it’s also a housewarming gift‌, considering.”

You nod slowly and begin your trek down the hallway and to the mailroom, remembering your initial goal when you were leaving ten minutes ago. “Well, San, if you need help unpacking, just give me a knock!”

“I definitely will!” San waves goodbye and offers you the widest smile you’ve seen yet, saccharine in a way you didn’t realize you needed so early in the morning. He enters his new apartment without another turn of his head, while you wonder if this is the moment of realization the guy across the hall will be more than a stranger. Perhaps even a welcome addition to your life.

You open up your door a day later to find San with an inquisitive pout, replacing the mesmerizing smile he left you with. His hands respectively hold a large takeout bag and a tray of two drinks, and you guess what he’s after before he says the words. 

“Don’t tell me,” you say. “You need help unboxing.”

“Yes and no.”

“Oh?” You ask, partially shocked.

“So, I know you probably offered to help me unpack since I have the ‘new neighbor’ card. Which is great, since I actually do need help today. But, it would be rude to not offer food for your services, so it can be part moving part…treating a cute girl to lunch.” San tips the bag up with a grin, making you chuckle. “What do you say, neighbor?

As he waits for your answer, you discover Choi San is already too sweet to say no to. He asks so earnestly, and he’s feeding you, doing more than most of your exes ever did. The response easily slips off of your tongue. “That sounds great. Lemme just get my keys.” Following him into his apartment, you try to calm the staccato of your heart to a normal pace.

Your new neighbor truly has no shame as the two of you open all of his remaining boxes together, San confessing the origins of certain items you take out with a questioning, raised eyebrow. While he folds his clothes and sets them aside to move to his bedroom later, you tell him about your degree and how you can’t wait for the spring semester to end, your last step towards graduating in the summer.

You snap silly photos of him and take a few together to capture the moment; he ruffles your hair in a few and makes the resulting photos blurry, but you don’t mind. When you’re not unboxing and discussing your comprehensive histories, you eat pineapple fried rice and dumpling soup from the takeout containers and sip flat sodas you don’t bother replacing. The clear attachment you’ve already developed with San is worth drinking a watered-down soda.

“What do you do in your free time?” you ask before downing what’s left in your can.

“I work with my friends in a small studio downtown. It’s not much, but we love it and it helps pay for this.” He gestures to the apartment with dramatic grandeur, almost knocking over his drink. “That’s actually why I’ve been moving most of this by myself. Before you helped, I mean. There’s this production issue we glossed over, and my buddy Mingi wants it smoothed out before the song’s released.”

“Gotta love the  music life.” You sigh. “The arts are tough.”

“Yeah, I do love it. I don’t know where I’d be without it, to tell you the truth.” San chuckles, the sound rumbling in his throat.

You pat his shoulder with your hand. “I’m sure you’re doing great. You seem like a person who can find fun in anything. With your work, I know your friends need that.”

“Thanks,” he replies. San dips a hand through his hair, hoping to conceal his red face alongside his aggressively beating heart. “I bet you’re someone who keeps a lot of people calm and…I don’t know, grounded? You just give off this vibe like you know what you’re doing.”

You laugh again, pressing your empty soda can to your chest. “You’re probably the first person that’s ever thought about me that way.” Your friends and family often sing their praises for you, but what would get San’s compliment laughed out of any room is the fact he thinks you have a consciously prepared bone in your body.

You can barely give your best friends proper preparation for outfit choices, much less prepare for bigger life events. It’s what your exes have harped on for ages, your impulsiveness and second-nature to lead with your heart rather than your head, your ultimate downfall. How did anyone, especially yourself, expect you to go against habit and commit to anything? If there was an option to have someone spell it out for you, you would choose that in a heartbeat. To this day, sometimes it feels like you stumble around for answers, only doing things halfway and never with full intention.

You know these things about yourself like the back of your hand.. Yet, you can’t contain the flutter in your heart from San being so sure of you already. It may just be the takeout, the fullness of his stomach making his brain fuzzy, but you don’t care. You appreciate it regardless.

“That’s a good thing, though,” you mumble, his stare tickling the edges of your skin.

“Well, I’m flattered.” He winks at you, the gesture only solidifying every positive thought you have about him. He opens another box and removes the bubble wrap inside, and in that moment, you believe a piece of your heart silently belongs between the creases of his smile.

By the time you finish, the sun is setting, and you’re sitting next to San with your backs drooping against his couch. You rub your belly in slow, tiny circles, full from the food and copious amount of snacks you munched on while moving the smaller trinkets and furniture.

“I’m sorry. I should’ve known the pretzels and gummy worms would make you sick.” He pouts, staring down at your slumped body.

“No, it’s okay. Just another minute and I’ll be out of your hair.”

“You’re not in my hair. It’s too fantastic to be disturbed like that..” His confidence can be seen from space, you think as the corners of your lips rise. Without warning, San sets his head in your lap as his eyelashes flutter to a close. He’s burly at first glance, but you realize as he snuggles into your body how you fit together perfectly in this way. “I mean it. I’ve had a lot of fun today.”

Instinctively, you swipe one hand through his bangs, and he takes your fingers between his own. “We just met, but it’s like you make things slow down. I’m not running around the place like an idiot or saying the wrong things for the first time. Does that make sense?”

You close your eyes too, letting the words rumble around in your head. Responding to them with the peace within your smile and a squeeze of your hand, you know he’s smiling too without having to look down at him. “It does.”

In an array of textbooks, highlighters, and article clippings, San swipes through the words with a blue pen to mark important information for later. While it’s adorable watching him as he works, he has little to no foresight on the weekly topic in your Greek literature course.

Chan and Jisung, your study partners, left hours ago, but you stayed stuck with a pile of additional reading your professor dumped on you, including the play you still had to read. 

The night seemed to only be beginning for you, and you could only give your friends a sad smile as you walked them out of your apartment. With perfect timing, San popped his head out with a smirk, his concern giving way when he noticed the defeat in your posture.

“Can I help?” were the first words out of his mouth as you were on the verge of tears, your mountain of a neighbor suddenly becoming your shining light through the storm of academic writing and assignments.

He definitely isn’t helping in the way he imagined, but watching his eyebrows furrow in concentration and catching the delight on his face when he marks the “right” sentence makes the hours feel less tedious.

“I mean, why does Euripides have to be such a tragic writer? There’s nothing wrong with writing cheerful things now and then,” San says as he drops the pen onto the paper. Rolling closer to your spot on your bedroom floor, he pouts and puts his hands underneath his chin.

“Well, San, since he wrote tragic Greek plays, I think he was just creating what he knew. Like Sophocles, he just kept his daily life in mind when he was writing.” You smile to yourself, skimming the lines of the last act within your textbook.

“Excuse me, Smarty. I’ll just nap while you do your own notes, then.” He leans against your thigh, the back of his head mushed into the fabric of your shorts.

You scoff. “I just read the materials and introduction! You give me too much credit.”

One of his eyes pops open, followed by the crossing of his arms. “You still know things! Sometimes, you really don’t see that. And I’ve been your neighbor for what, a few weeks now? Give yourself more credit, angel.”

You refuse to acknowledge the pet name, knowing he’ll sense the change in your body if you do. Going for a lighthearted response, you stick your tongue out in his direction. “Trust me, you give enough credit to yourself for the both of us.”

San says your name and sits up, mirroring your crossed-legged position. “Maybe I do, but only because I know how it feels to not give yourself the self-assurance you deserve.”

You gape in mock surprise. “Choi San, not sure of himself? I never would have guessed.”

“Yes, I’m not flawless.” He laughs and knocks his fist softly into your shoulder. “When I was younger, sometimes people thought it was all an act, me being so ‘full’ of myself, all the time. In a way, it was just to pretend that there weren’t times when I didn’t feel confident in what I could do and if I could do it. It still happens, but not as much as before.”

“That’s hard to believe.” You drop your head, staring at your hands in your lap.

He taps his fingers under your chin. “It’s true. Some days, it can be so difficult to believe you’re capable. But you are, in so many ways. Anyone who loves you could see that tenfold. But in the end, the person who needs to see that first is you. Nobody else.”

You wipe away the tears that are  prepared to stream down your face, knowing it is ridiculous to cry at the comforting advice San offers. But he says all the right things every time you need them and every time you come across all the hidden fears and self-critiques you harbor.

“Are you crying,” he asks, lips curling into a frown. He presses a hand to your cheek, prepared to catch any tears before they fall, but you shake your head softly.

“I’m not sad, I promise. I just—I meant it. You give me more credit than I ever give myself, and I know it’s a bad habit, but it feels good having someone else notice…how hard it can be, even if I’m still trying.”

His thumb rubs back and forth across the apple of your cheek, sentiment and patience etched into expression. “Someone has to, don’t they?”

Staring into his eyes, you notice how much they shine, even in the dim lighting of your desk lamp. You chastise yourself for never noticing how brown and bright they were before. With a tiny vow, you promise to admire them for as long as you can, whether out loud or in silence. As long as San feels admired in the way he always should be.

The twinkle in his irises reflects in his close-lipped smile. You don’t stop to think as you lean in to kiss the sharp line of his cheek, knowing you need him as much as you need his words. He parts his mouth in shock, the hand on your cheek still. “Thank you, Sannie.”

When you rest your head on your pillow to sleep hours later, you still feel the shape of him on your lips and the fondness of his stare on your skin.

A knock on your door one Sunday afternoon reveals San with one of his hands cut up, a few scrapes visibly bleeding.

“Shit,” you curse, inspecting the cuts with your hands. He winces when you touch a deeper one, a hiss whistling through his teeth. “I’m sorry. What happened?”

“I dropped some glass cups. I didn’t know what happened to my broom, so I thought picking it up would be fine if I was careful,” he mumbles, obviously embarrassed about the mishap.

You press a hand to his shoulder as a signal for him to step inside your apartment. He does, observing the living room as you run to get supplies from your bathroom. The fuzzy, polka dot blanket draped across your even fuzzier, gray couch and the rerun of some 90s comedy makes him smile to himself. How can someone be so kind and cute? San thinks to himself.

You’ve both hung out many times since you helped him unpack, especially in your bedroom, but he’s never noticed the smaller things in your place. Seeing the ins and outs of your life in the decor, the few dishes in your sink, family photos by the door, and pens left on the counter, he doesn’t feel like he’s intruding. Rather, he’s noticing the pieces of you and storing them away to remember later. That’s how the ache inside his chest would describe it. For now, at least.

“I have band-aids, ointment, and gauze,” you note the supplies in your hand as you make it back to him. You’re no stranger to mishaps like accidental bruises and bumps, so coming as prepared as possible for this one facet of everyday life is doable, even for you. “Sit down, Sannie.”

When you guide both of you to the couch, you drape the blanket across his lap and pause the show on your television. You hold up the first-aid kit, grabbing his attention and smiling behind the box. “Ready to be patched up?”

“Readier than ready.”

The minutes pass quietly as San watches the rest of the episode, and you treat his smaller cuts with small circular band-aids. You wrap the deeper gashes up with pale gauze, rubbing some cream on the wounds to start the healing process. As you grab more of the ointment from the tin, you realize San being hurt in any capacity is painful, unbearable even, for you as well as him. While you have more than an inkling of what that means, you push it out of your mind to focus on your table-side healing.

When he’s patched up, you flick his wrist. “You’re good to go, sir.”

He grins in response. “You’re the best. Thank you.”

“It’s nothing. That’s what neighbors are for right?” The word feels too simple to describe San and what he means to you.

“Definitely,” he murmurs. Your faces rest less than a foot apart from each other, knees slightly touching. 

In any instance, you’d have backed away quickly and given your new friend and neighbor a proper send-off back to his apartment. However, he’s so warm, inviting, here. It has to be ridiculous to feel so safe in his presence this soon, but San is the least ridiculous person you know. 

He can be vain, more confident in himself than the average person is, and satisfied with his own absurdity. Maybe those things turn some people off, but they’re only a few things that you adore about him, the exterior pieces to a beautiful interior. And adore you do, maybe too much and too fast in the month that you’ve known him. But if someone calls you senseless for that, then senseless is what you are.

When you kiss his lips, pressing your mouth firmly to his, you feel senseless. All of your feelings rotate around him, none of your own to pull from as you want nothing but him to spread inside of you. You keen when he groans into your mouth, press deeper into him as his hands clench your waist, and mewl as he pushes his song into your mouth.

“Your hand,” you call out as he tries pushing his injured fingers down your pants.

“Fuck my hand,” San says with a gasp, tugging at the material until your shorts come off. “Well, I want you to fuck it anyway.”

You whimper at his salacious words, grinding your hips down into his lap and awaiting hand. He lets out his own sounds of pleasure at the wetness pooling in your underwear, and he slips the material to the side to truly have your skin against his, the callous on his fingertips rubbing against your clit beautifully.

With your mouth falling open from the cascading waves of pleasure that have barely started, you feel you could float away if it weren’t for San’s index and middle finger suddenly buried inside of you. He whispers dirty things into your ear, your face fighting a blush despite the position you’re both in. “You’re gorgeous, you know that? So perfect for me when you’re fucked out like this.”

He adds a third finger, completely lost in your expression as you ride his hand with abandon. You continue to rut your body into him, and all he can focus on is both your pleasure and the growing erection in his pants. His body pulses with need, but he knows it’s not about him right now.

It’s about you, and he wants you to recognize how much your pleasure matters to him.

“San, I’m gonna—” You press both palms to either side of his neck, moving faster to chase the high that’s within your reach. The taste of it almost hits the center of your tongue, and you want to feel it after all this time you’ve been waiting. For him, for the two of you, for something good.

“It’s okay, don’t fight it.” He kisses your cheek, looking up at you with only adoration and patience in his eyes. “Let go, beautiful. Come with my fingers inside of you.”

Your back arches and your chest presses into San’s biceps when you finally feel your release in its full glory. Your body leaks your essence down his hand and onto your remaining clothes. You would feel like a mess in any other circumstance, but right now, you don’t care.

All you want to do is make San feel as good as he’s made you feel.

You kiss him twice more before pulling him into your bedroom. You push him onto your bed and make quick work of removing his clothes, unzipping his jeans until both that article of clothing and his underwear come off.

The head of his dick is red and leaking with pre-cum, and you fight the urge to take him into your mouth completely and finish the encounter off that way. You want to make it worth both of your whiles.

You stroke his cock a handful of times to moisten the surface, and he ruts into your hand with broken groans. “Please don’t tease me,” San begs, reaching his hands out to hold you by the hips.

“I’m not, Sannie, I promise. Just want to get you nice and ready first.” You may not be confident in a lot of arenas of your life, but you know you’re good at this, and you’re going to make a show of it.

You sink down onto San’s cock easily. Despite the stretch of his wide girth filling every space of you, you take it all with a slack jaw and a deep moan emulating from your chest. It’s been a minute since you’ve had someone of his size inside of you, but you adjust with a few minutes of doing nothing but sitting on top of him.

“Are you gonna—” You cut San’s words short by slamming down on him particularly hard, going from doing nothing to giving him everything in a matter of seconds. You press your nails into his chest as you ride him, your pace fast and unrelenting. He looks up at you through his lashes with lust-blown irises. His hands on your hips threaten to bruise your skin, and in truth, you wouldn’t mind if they did. You want him to mark you up, pin you down, make him yours. You’ve never been more sure of anything before.

Without warning, San switches positions, one large hand pinning you down as the other wraps your legs tighter around his waist. “No more playing. Hold on tight, doll.”

He sets a pace much harsher than yours, practically leaving you completely before slamming completely inside with every thrust. It’s deep in every sense of the word, and you bite into your fist to hold back how loud you’re becoming. 

San takes that fist into his palm, splaying out your fingers to interlace with his. “Let me hear all of it. Don’t fight it, baby.” He takes one of your breasts into his mouth, lavishing your nipple in gentle nips and kitten licks.

You decide all of your resounding sounds matter little to you, your other neighbors and their peaceful Sunday be damned. If he wants you to be loud, you’ll be as loud as possible, especially when his hand finds your clit to rub in perfect little figure eights.

Your vocal chords are tattered and uneven by the time your second orgasm comes, your body slack and throat hoarse from the overload of pleasure. You squeeze him tighter despite your oversensitive nerves, ready for him to fall off the same precipice you lept past with no issue.

San buries his face into your neck as he comes, his breath and beautiful groans hitting your ear as his release fills you with warmth. He kisses one of your temples as he pulls out, letting small remnants of the mixture of your releases trickle out of you and onto your bed. It all carries the same weight of importance, anyway. All that matters to you is his warm arms lulling you into comfort you’ve been without for longer than you realized.

The afternoon sky bleeds into night, and you spend all those hours in San’s arms, saying nothing yet everything in that span of time. He only rubs your back and kisses your lips every so often, letting you slip in and out of sleep.

Once you’ve been awake for longer than ten minutes, San breaks the silence by saying, “So, I’m not the best cook, but you deserve some sort of meal after all of this.” He kisses your neck before focusing his gaze back on you. “And I may or may not be collecting my repayment after helping you with those articles right now so you say yes.” He grins again, charming and electrifying. “What do you say?”

“We just had sex and you think I’ll say no to that?” you ask with a giggle. 

“I’m just making sure!”

You’ve never been observant. Some cues go past your head entirely, and you know this. But San’s skin, so comfortably close to yours, sends the gentlest calm across yours like the familiar prickles of gooseflesh. You can see him and read his obvious intentions, and you know now you’re ready to welcome the start of something new with open arms. There’s no right or wrong to fear, no choice to be any less certain about. It’s easy to feel that way when sure of him when he looks at you the way he does? “I’d love to have a meal with you, San.”

Two months pass, and as San’s hand draws circles into the divot of your hip, you remember that tender stillness you felt after you first met, the first time you hung out together in what San called “your first not-first date” which you lovingly shoved him for, the first night you spent together, and all the dates that followed. Most important, that stillness never disappeared or faded into the background. Not since the first time you saw him, not when he told you it was more than fine to leave most of your stuff at his place (especially your polka dot blanket), and not when he told you he loved you hours ago.

“What are you thinking about?” San pulls you from your thoughts with his question, his whisper raspy. He kisses your bare shoulder, the soft press of his lips warming you to the bone.

“You.”

“Oh? Only good things I hope.” He smirks, trailing his kisses up to your neck. “Or bad, I prefer both.” You giggle at the few swipes of his tongue on the hollow of your throat, but you tug on the ends of his hair to pull his attention back to your face.

“The best things. How I still get excited every time I see you, and how easy it is to make you smile. How you make me feel as though I can do anything, because I have all the power in the world to do it.” You stroke the corners of his mouth, pulling them up and down to make him laugh. “How much I love you.”

In his laughter, he wraps his hands around your waist, pulling you closer. Peppering his face with kisses, the two of you fall deeper inside the sheets, the only space in the world meant for the two of you. The smell of his cologne lingers on his body, your favorite smell. You breathe it in as he says, “I love you too.” He says the words in between more sets of kisses stamped into your face and neck.

The sunlight peeks in through San’s curtains when you retreat from underneath the comforter, the signal of a new day. Another set of beginnings and discoveries to look for, new realizations to be had. Only, this day is different. You no longer fear as you once did. If either you or San aren’t looking close enough, the other person will be there to help put the pieces together. Other days, you know you’re strong enough now to figure it all out on your own, just like San is. The two of you can be as slow or fast-paced as you want to, impulses or plans be damned. If that’s what love is supposed to be, you never want it to pass you by again.

@gyubakeries @loserlvrss @jjunberry@lovetaroandtaemin @xomakara @pars-ley @addictedtohobi @innocygnet @filmnings

𝐧𝐞𝐭𝐰𝐨𝐫𝐤𝐬 ౨ৎ˚₊: @kstrucknet @k-films @kvanity-main @lapydiaries @moadiarynet @pirateeznet @sweetvenomnet @onedoornet @deoboyznet @violetanet @whipped-kpop-creators

𝑹𝑬𝑨𝑫 𝑴𝒀 𝑶𝑻𝑯𝑬𝑹 𝑾𝑶𝑹𝑲𝑺 𝒐𝒓 𝑱𝑶𝑰𝑵 𝑴𝒀 𝑻𝑨𝑮𝑳𝑰𝑺𝑻𝑺 © 𝖠𝗅𝗅 𝗐𝗈𝗋𝗄𝗌 𝖺𝗋𝖾 𝖼𝗋𝖾𝖺𝗍𝖾𝖽 𝖻𝗒 𝖧𝖤𝖤𝖢𝖧𝖶𝖤; 𝖣𝗈 𝗇𝗈𝗍 𝗋𝖾𝖽𝗂𝗌𝗍𝗋𝗂𝖻𝗎𝗍𝖾 𝗈𝗋 𝗌𝗍𝖾𝖺𝗅 𝖼𝗈𝗇𝗍𝖾𝗇𝗍.

[torillatavataan]

That's often how it is taught to beginner Finnish learners: kiitos = please

I personally don't think teaching it like this is a good idea, because ultimately kiitos (thank you) is not please even though it functions like please when making a request. I've come across people using kiitos like please incorrectly, too, because they assume it functions the same. Probably because they were just told please in Finnish is kiitos.

No, please, don't do this..! Ei, kiitos, älä tee tätä..!

This is incorrect. Using kiitos here makes absolutely no sense at all. You cannot beg or plead with the word kiitos. (side note: in this kind of sentence we'd probably be more like to use that (sitä) instead of this (tätä) because this (tätä) sounds more like it's referring to something the speaker is doing themselves)

To express please when pleading or begging, we would typically use ole kiltti (be kind).

Ei, ole kiltti, älä tee sitä..! No, be kind, don't do that..!

Please, don't! (Ole) kiltti, älä! (Be) kind, dont!

You can omit ole (be) if you want to and it's clear from the context who is/are being spoken to. This sentence changes depending on who is being addressed.

Ole kiltti, älä! Be kind, don't! (one person)

Olkaa kiltti, älkää! Be kind, don't! (one person, polite form)

Olkaa kilttejä, älkää! Be kind, don't! (multiple people)

Teaching just that kiitos equals please also ignores that using the conditional form is, in my mind at least, more important in making a polite request than kiitos is. Kiitos is just extra unless it's used with a direct command.

Come here, please. Tule tänne, kiitos. Come here, thank you.

Please, be quiet. Ole hiljaa, kiitos. Be quiet, thank you.

Despite these examples including kiitos, they can sound a little stand-offish to me. They are definitely commands, not requests. They don't sound like they'd come off as polite in most contexts. You can fix this by adding a suffix (either -pas or -han) to soften the meaning, thus making them more polite. You would also often add words like kiltti (kind), jooko (yes? right?), nyt (now) to soften them even more.

Come here. Tulepas/tulehan tänne. (Tulepas nyt tänne jooko. Tulehan jooko tänne. Tulepas kiltti tänne.)

Be quiet. Olepas/olehan hiljaa. (Olehan hiljaa nyt. Olepas nyt kiltti hiljaa. Olehan jooko hiljaa nyt.)

Now the English version sounds less polite, lacking the please, but the Finnish versions sound much less harsh, because they are no longer direct commands. Adding kiitos to these examples is unnecessary and adding it can even make them sound sarcastic or aggressive, or make them sound more like direct commands again. A lot depends on the tone of voice of course, but if I saw it just written with kiitos at the end, it would make it sound more like a command or snideness masked as a request to me.

I'm not saying go into the details with beginners, but I think it would be beneficial for even beginners to understand that kiitos and please are not just the same word in different languages, and that please does not exist in Finnish like it does in English (and many other similar languages). The same idea is expressed in other ways, kiitos being a part of it. Like in my original examples ordering coffee above, you don't have to use kiitos at all for the sentence to still be polite. It just adds to the politeness.

I just saw an article like, Finnish people are so rude you’ll recognize one by the fact they never say “please”

I’m sorry, the word “please” doesn’t exist in the Finnish language, we just never got the instinct to use it, we’re not trying to be rude 😭

[heartz4levi]

all i can think about is an ivan and till threesome and possibly double penetration 😭

g–a–n–g, baby, let me b–a–n–g, baby !

☆ thinking abt ivantill + threesome . . .

☆ ivan (alnst) ,, till (alnst) ,, gn reader . . combined with anon's request : intense threesome with ivan and till pretty please with a cherry on top? longing, rough housing, lust filled *squeals and runs away* (gn reader, my nonbinary heart is swelling with happiness) ,, switch!till ,, switch!reader ,, switch!ivan ,, mentions of multiple rounds ,, oral ,, riding ,, manhandling ,, double penetration ,, rough sex ,, slight choking ,, idek anymore this is just NASTY.

ivan's personality clashes with till's. till's personality clashes with yours, and your personality clashes with ivan's.

theoretically, the three of you should not be allowed withing a certain radius of each other. and yet here the three of you are, bodies touching each inch of the others', groping whatever is within hand's reach, moans mixing in with the sounds of sucking and fucking.

you are a mixture of holes for them to use just like how they are another mixture of holes for you to use.

the bedsheets are drenched, the stench of cum and sex engulfs the room. your throat is hoarse from being fucked by both ivan and till's cocks, ramming into your mouth while the other laps at your hole like a man starved, hands securing an iron grip on your thighs.

till's legs are already shaking from being sucked off by you, from having ivan toy with his hole and now having you ride him. you're straddling his lap while the back of his head digs further into the pillows below, his moans gravelly and guttural. you're clamping down around him so eagerly, as if your mind is permanently set on milking him dry. his hands have long given up on trying to hold onto your hips, his fingers now ghosting and twitching against the sides of your thighs.

meanwhile ivan, who has his eyes set on the both of you as you claim till's body with such fervor, can feel himself overflowing with desire. as much as he'd love to continue watching you ruin till, he can't help but give in to the temptation of chasing some pleasure of his own.

you feel the bed dip behind you as ivan crawls atop, but you don't react or halt your movements. until ivan's hands are on your shoulders, pushing you down to press your chest against till's own. your hips still, eyes darting behind you to shoot a questioning glance in ivan's direction, meanwhile till whines. why did you stop? what's going on?

ivan settles one of his hands on the back of your neck, holding you still. meanwhile the other one glides down, gripping tightly at your hip for balance, all so he can ease his cock inside of you, feeling it slide against till's own. your face quickly buries itself into the crook of till's neck, muffling the scream that is pulled out of you from the big stretch. till, whose body was practically limp not too long ago, suddenly jolts. his arms wrap themselves around your torso and it isn't long before he's clawing at your back, as if this isn't ivan's doing.

except till knows that it's ivan's doing, because with your face hidden against his skin, that leaves till with no other option but to look directly at ivan. ivan, who looks so proud. so smug, so satisfied that he's joining in on the fun too.

ivan hardly gives the both of you any time to adjust before he retracts his hips, nearly pulling out of you completely before slamming his cock back inside. the pace he sets is ruthless, it knocks the air right out of your lungs and it sends till's senses into overdrive. he can't think like this, he can't move, he can't do anyth—

all it takes for till to wake up, so to say, is one mocking remark uttered by ivan. he coos at the tears that begin to pool in till's eyes, asking him if he's sure he can handle this, because it sure seems like he can't. not that ivan minds, he's happy to use you both like his own personal fleshlights, reducing you two to nothing but mindless, cockdrunk whores.

but till minds. till definitely minds. he tried to snap back, tried to make a retort, but all words die on the tip of his tongue. alongside the shocks of overwhelming pleasure that flow through him begins to creep in a feeling of frustration, and that feeling is enough to give till a little bit more energy just so he can prove ivan wrong.

having ivan's cock pound into your hole while till is still very much inside of you provided plenty of stimulation. plenty! even if it bordered ever so slightly on being painful, it felt just right. it felt perfect, and you don't have to move an inch to obtain this kind of pleasure. much to your dismay, till springs up, his hips bucking into you once. then twice, and.. now he's jackhammering into your weeping, dripping hole as well.

your moans, high—pitched and silky, begin to drown out every other sound resonating within the room. in other words, the sound of skin slapping, the wet sounds your hole makes as it continuously gets abused and, of course, the sounds tumbling past ivan and till's lips. at this rate, you're going to cum way too fast for your liking and it is going to be intense.

as if till or ivan would ever complain about such a thing. till is revelling in how snugly your hole fits his cock, sucking it in the more he plows up into it. on the other hand, ivan is savoring every little mewl and whimper coming from you, considering it as music to his ears. and the sight of you, your body, so limp and spasming inbetween him and till, it serves to spur ivan further on.

till can feel himself getting closer to cumming first. he can't let go of you, he refuses to stop moving just yet, closing his eyes abruptly and biting down onto your bare shoulder to quiet down the embarrassingly loud whine that claws at his throat once he spills string after string of his cum inside your tight hole.

the added aftershocks of pain from till's bite into your skin, combined with the sensation of being emptied into and the rest of the pleasure have you cumming next, gushing down on till's cock that has taken on a slower pace and also in ivan's cock that is still mercilessly moulding your insides as he pleases.

ivan is up next. he couldn't even feel his own climax inching closer, the suddenness of it washing over him pulling a throaty moan out. slowly, his cum and till's becomes one, dripping out of your overstimulated hole.

you and till are panting against eachother's skin, trying to get over the extreme height of pleasure you two just reached. ivan recovers quickly, and his hold on the back of your neck tightens. he adjusts it, wrapping his fingers around the entire length of your neck.

with one swift motion, ivan tears you off of till. you tilt your head back, following his movements subconsciously. the hunger in his eyes seems to have grown in intensity, similar to how yours are noticeably more lust—filled than the last time he looked into them. ivan leans down, whispering a mix of a plea and an order of one more into your ear.

one more he gets.

[icekkeugf]

Make you feel it, Yang Jungwon (18+)

Pairing: Younger!Jungwon x Fem!Reader

Synopsis: Jungwon confronts your dismissal of his unsaid yet obvious feelings and somehow, you let him lure you into your own bed.

Genre: Smut, Best friends to ???

Heads up: Unspecified age gap between Jungwon and the reader-no weird business though, Jungwon calls the reader “Noona”, the reader is drunk but still conscious of her decisions, softdom!Jungwon, making out, one tiny slap, unprotected sex (don't do that maybe), hair pulling, creampie, multiple rounds implied

Wordcount: 3,490 words

Author's note: I might have tried a little with this one. I have been wanting to contribute to the Enhablr community again. So, here's something for the Jungwon lovers :-) Hope you enjoy this, I would absolutely love feedback or constructive criticism. Happy reading ♥︎

He's in far too deep. Deep in love with you. 

Maybe, not so much. He convinces himself, though he's not entirely sure.

It's insane, really, how the tick in his jaw only relaxes when you assure him that the man beside you means no harm—has no romantic inclination towards you, rightfully so, as your cousin. A casual arm of his slung around your shoulder that borders no thoughts of personal space, it took everything—and, I do mean everything—in Jungwon to not yank your cousin off of you without further clarification upon first sight.

However, he is momentarily distracted by how the fairy lights perched upon the front door glare lovingly with their yellowed tint at you, almost as if it was meant to luminate only your presence. He thinks the fairy lights are mocking him and his reluctance to admit his feelings, a scoff barely slipping past his tongue when the lights continue to taunt him with a ridiculously focused glint on your form as you hold up your half-conscious cousin from succumbing to sleep with a thud, right here, on your porch.

Jungwon is tense when you poke a finger at his bicep, a brow scrunched up with a tinge of amusement breaking through when you tease him for being just as much of a handful as your cousin. It's insulting, how you liken him to another man, as if he was just as incapable, but, he lets it pass for now, a sigh exiting his lips when his eyes drop down to your cheeks, flushed enough to tell him that you're under the influence as well.

Without as much as a word spoken to you, Jungwon leans over to pull at your cousin, scooping the man in one arm and pushing his limp body in, only letting him rest when he gets to the couch situated in the living room. The sound of unsteady shuffling and a hiccup from you has him turning around, the same bubbly feeling from earlier returning to play tricks at him. "Noona, are you okay?" It's finally time for him to open his mouth, eyes scrutinizing your every move and finally deeming you unfit when you stagger towards him, falling into his chest head first with a giggle. "Mhm, I am okay, not too drunk."

Liar.

He almost sighs again but stops when his hand unconsciously lifts to linger above your head. It drops as soon as he realises, instead finding the curve of your waist to hold you up. Jungwon steadies you in less than a second, allowing your lower half to lean completely onto his hip with a nudge. "Noona..." He calls, softly, a honeyed voice dripping into your ears almost too smoothly, it has you wondering if he always sounded this sweet, almost...desperate. You wonder if he gets like this only around you. "Hm?" You peek an eye at the man, lips twitching and breaking into a smile.

"Oh, what will you ever do without me?" He hoists you up, just a little so that you're balancing on your feet. The curl of one end of his lips has you biting yours. There he is, you think. "You're right, what would Noona ever do without you, Wonnie?" You mumble, lips parting enough to sip at the water he graciously offers, a hand still around your waist. It's intimate. You realise. Normally, you'd keep Jungwon at bay, boundaries drawn very clearly to verify that friendship is what you two have. Tonight, though, things are different. Your head feels heavy, bearing a separate weight of its own, and your feet feel light, as if it's not carrying the rest of your body. There's a fuzzy feeling in your chest and a lopsided glance at Jungwon only makes things worse.

When did he get so pretty? You wonder. No, he's always been pretty, you reason. Sparkly eyes that watch you carefully, a brow cocking up to decipher your behaviour and his plump, coral lips parting, providing you just a sliver of his tongue that darts to lick a sheen of saliva at his bottom lip. It's only then that you catch yourself midair, fingers gently hovering above Jungwon's cheeks.

Oh.

One step, two and then, finally, three. You back away, putting reasonable distance between you two, only to have worked in vain when Jungwon closes the distance. It's a sudden but welcome change when you feel yourself sobering up, the air around you two palpable, crackling with tension. "Did you ever consider me a man, Noona?" His question is quiet, it has you looking into his eyes in momentary confusion before your eyes flit away. You're caught, red-handed. "What does that mean? Of course, I do..." You mumble, feigning an aching head with your thumb and pointer finger working in tandem at your temple.

"Do you really?" He takes another impossible step closer to you. "Look at me, Noona." His words, coming out in an unfamiliar gravel, make your knees weak, and, suddenly, you're aware of being present with him as if he ties you to the reality you're in. You visibly hesitate, it ticks him off, though he chooses not to express it. You watch him quietly with pieces of your hair framing the peripheral of your vision. "I do, Jungwon." You assure him, but really, you wonder if you're convincing him when your fingers twiddle in front of you, scrunching your brows together.

He scoffs, tongue poking inside at his cheek. The audacity to lie, to consciously choose to deceive him even while you're borderline drunk—it upsets him as much as it angers him. Jungwon can't believe that you muster the strength to keep yourself in control in an inebriated state of mind. But, you notice it before he does, as always, that one vein in his temple protruding, as if warning you to tread lightly. You want to say something, anything, to ease him up, ask him where all of this is coming from. As if you don't know.

No, you really don't, you think. It's not like you watch Jungwon round the corner of your residence from the gap between your curtains, through the window, when he appears to be nervous about approaching your front door even after being your friend for four long years. It's not like you know just how much Jungwon loves Marvel but continues to geek about Studio Ghibli with you instead just because you like it better. It's not like you notice Jungwon chowing down on dry, undercooked ramen at 2 in the morning, with you, when really, he likes his noodles cooked perfectly with enough broth. It's not like you realise that Jungwon's university is a 30-minute detour from your office and yet, he insists on dropping you off every morning, citing the unsafety of public transport as the reason.

"Noona, you're really bad at this. This game you're playing," You exhale quietly, hoping it would ease the clogged up tension in your chest. He leans down, just enough to not hurt your neck from looking up at him for too long. His hand at your waist, previously anchoring you, now applies a tad bit of pressure, urging you to back up against the nearest wall. Dizzy eyes blink up at him deliberately but he refuses to let it crumble his resolve.

You feel it now, more intense than ever. Maybe it's the many drinks from earlier but your heartbeat increases, getting louder and reverberating in your eardrums. You can tell that Jungwon is barely managing to keep himself in check if the way his eyes narrow down at you and the way his grip on your waist gets cruel are anything to go by.

You've kept it hidden all these years. Locking your feelings away in that tiny part of your mind, shoving it down the back of your subconscious. It wasn't meant to come down to this, have you caged in between a wall and Jungwon in your living room. A finger interrupts you, grazing your chin with utmost affection, so softly that you'd think a rougher brush of his finger could cut you. Against your better judgement, you lean into his touch, Jungwon raises a brow at this. “Nothing to say for yourself?”

You abandon all reason, the logic behind your behaviour all these years fading into a carnal need that you kept under covers, prompting your fingers to hook onto the hem of his tee. Grabbing at it, you hope he gets the message. Not really, no, you assume when his brow cocks further up, almost criticising you, telling you you’re making a fool of yourself. As if you've been burned, you retract your fingers quickly but Jungwon doesn't appreciate this. 

“Who said you could do that?” He pulls you flush against him, “Asking for something and then taking it back. You're really stupid when it comes to men, Noona.” His words are laced with faux disapproval. He clicks his tongue, shaking his head at you. “This won't do.” You're about to ask what he means by that but he's already pulling at your wrist, making a beeline towards your bedroom. 

You want to say you're surprised when he slams your door, lining you up by the door frame when you're both inside. You are surprised, though, when Jungwon presses himself up against you, hot breath fanning across your face and lips converging into one before you can process anything. You let out a muffled gasp, eliciting a groan from him, thighs pressing together to ward off potential arousal.

Jungwon dislikes the action, a knee of his prying some space between your thighs, lifting up and weighing at your centre to make its presence really known. You're oblivious to all this though, mind reeling at the sharp nip of his teeth at your lower lip, a warning, if you like.

You comply, allowing him to take you as he pleases, it's the least you can do after all you've put him through, right? Licking his way into your mouth, his hands wander down your body, finally settling at your hips, the pads of his fingers making indents on your skin. You don't know what it is, but something tugs at your heart. All this while, you might as well have made this up in your mind. But, Jungwon's fingers, unlike his lips that are relentless and making a statement on yours, are gentle, it reminds you that he is here, holding you, making you his.

Jungwon, taunting you, pulls away, not without his thumb wiping at your lips absentmindedly. You tasted just like he imagined, if not better, the dried lip tint sweet on you, smudging onto his as well. Glossy with his spit coating your lips, your teeth pull at it, a quiet whine full of complaints directed at a teasing Jungwon. “What? Now you're begging for a taste of me. Isn’t that right, Noona?” He tilts his head to the side, pushing you to do something, if not say something. 

With a grab of his collar, you pull him towards you quickly, it amuses him. “Shut up and kiss me.” You manage to speak for the first time in a while, “Whatever you say, Noona.” Jungwon obliges with your demands, capturing your lips in a searing kiss. Assuming the lead, your tongue prods at his teeth which takes him by surprise, allowing you to walk him backwards till his calves hit one of the bedposts. 

“Aren't you eager?” He speaks into your mouth, not allowing you leverage over him by flipping your positions so that now you're the one closest to the bed. “That's unfair, Noona. After you've played with me so much…” His thumb caresses your cheek as if preparing you for something. “You don't get to enjoy this so easily.” The building high quickly wears off, his words serving as a caution.

Jungwon looks down at you and with a nudge of his hand to your shoulder, you lose balance, falling onto the mattress with a bounce. The boy settles onto the bed with a knee guarding both thighs at the sides. Finding your cheek once again, he tips your chin upwards, eyes locking with a breathy gasp from you. “Jungwon…” You trap him with a circle of your thighs around his hips, calves hanging loosely off the bed. 

He humours you, just this once, he tells himself. “What is it?” He pries, thumbing onto your jaw, pressing you to answer him. “Please.” You state, searching his eyes. Jungwon barely allows you a glimpse of his toothy grin before he's maneuvering you onto your knees. You understand just what he wants, as you always do when it comes to him, turning around to pucker your behind, arching your back by the slightest to tempt him, as if he's not already deep in the trenches knowing you're under him, so pliant and inviting. 

Just for him.

The thoughts have his sweatpants constricting around the visible tent between his legs. Jungwon lets pass a throaty groan at this, fighting the urge to rut himself onto the edge of your bed. No, he can't have that, not when he already has you exactly where he needs you. He doesn't think twice before asking you to strip, shimmying his clothes off and grabbing a handful of your butt to grope at while you clumsily tug at your tank top. 

With a needy whine, you push your ass towards him, throwing him a desperate look over your shoulder just for you to get needier at the sight of his bare torso. You can't make out much of him, your room bathed in the dark and only a singular ray of lantern by your porch penetrating your window. “Fuck, Noona.” There's a sharp sound of something smacking and it takes you a moment to register that Jungwon's palm had just struck your ass. You don't feel the pain, if anything, the impact has you doubling forward, panties possibly soaked through with a gush of your pathetic arousal pouring out.

“Look at you, sprawled out for me like this. Didn't think my pretty little Noona was into this. You're sick. Pathetic even. ” As if to make a point, he runs a knowing finger down the middle of your panties. The fabric does anything but cover you, he notes, moulding itself to your pussy by the way it's damp. The sticky feeling it provides rips a moan out of you and Jungwon decides that he's had enough. He would quite literally pass out if he didn't bury himself into your heat within the next minute.

Pushing the slit of your panties to the side, he eases a thumb into the rim of your hole, toying there for a second before rubbing languid circles at your bud. He wanted to make you work for it, he did but his cock is twitching, crying for him to envelope it in your cunt. He promises himself to teach you a lesson next time, lining his bulbous tip up against your hole. The view is nothing like he had imagined every other night, fucking his fist at the thought of having you to him. Your pussy is divine, he concludes, drops of your juices beading at your lips, it's like you already creamed yourself once before he could get you to do so himself. 

You're about to complain, eyes misty and curious about the hold-up but it's like Jungwon reads your mind, pushing at his boxers so that the fat head of his cock finally tastes you squeezing around him. It's painful how you clench around just his tip, he has to grit his teeth, kneading the flesh of your ass lovingly though he itches to deliver another smack to it, “Breathe, baby, I got you.” He mutters, bullying his way into you when you seemingly adjust to him. You cry with a start when he fastens your wrists behind you, holding it in one hand while the other deceives you for a second when it hovers above your hair softly. It's the next second when the same hand finds itself fisting around your strands and pulling you up.

Flush against him now, his cock lodges itself completely into you, filling you in a way you've never been before. “Oh, fuck—too full…” You manage to sputter, chest heaving although he's doing all the work. The angle he's nestled into you is mind-numbing, it has you dumb and thinking of nothing but the feel of his cock, your insides committing every trace of his vein to memory. You just know you'll be recollecting this for a while when you need that extra push when stressed. “Yeah? Full of me, aren't you? Does it feel good, baby?” He must be insane, you think, to ask you something so obvious.

“So, so good. Jungwon!” You attempt to say more but you can't think of any way to put how he's making you feel in words. You repeat the same with a shriek and it has him biting back a laugh, “So fucking dumb. Dumb on my cock, aren't you, Noona?” The hand in your hair makes its presence aware with another tug, positioning your shoulder to his lips and Jungwon takes the opportunity to sink his canines into your skin. His cock is merciless, ramming into you with powerful, rhythmic thrusts that force you forward every time he sinks into your heat again.

There's a familiar feeling creeping up your back, the muscles in your lower abdomen flexing and relaxing once in a while and your thighs part further, as if welcoming more of him into you. One particularly sharp rut of his hips has his pelvis slamming into yours and his cock seems to find a different angle to fuck itself into, massaging the one spot that has your toes curling and lips parting in a silent scream. “Is that it, Noona? Fuck, you're clenching around me so good. Fucking hell—” He pauses momentarily, lifting a thigh of yours higher around his hips to gain better access to you. 

Resuming his ministrations, Jungwon assumes a bruising grip on your wrists. “That's it, Wonnie, just there! Gonna come!” You warn, pushing yourself onto his length, rolling your hips. “Let go, baby, just like that, fuck yourself onto me.” It isn't long before you're spasming around him, eyes shutting tightly and walls clamping around his cock as you ride your high. Jungwon is teetering on the edge of his orgasm too, muffling himself into your neck with a bite of your flesh as he fucks his release into your inviting hole. He meant to pull out, but he couldn't deny himself the pleasure of coming in your tight pussy. He's not in the least apologetic, continuing to sheathe himself in your shared cum with slow, controlled thrusts. 

You can't help but wince, sensitivity quickly making itself apparent when he shows no signs of stopping. Jungwon shushes you though, basking in the glow of his well-deserved orgasm. He reluctantly pulls out, holding you up just in case. “Wait a minute, Noona.” He speaks quietly, letting you find your balance while he retrieves a washcloth damp enough to clean you up. His touch is gentle, reassuring you at this moment, that you're in this together, it wasn't a lapse in judgement. At least not for him. 

“Wonnie?” Your palm cups his jaw, moving to face him while he kneels by the bed. “Did you really mean what you said and what you did?” Jungwon is quick to nod his head and you surge forward to embrace him with a composed poise. “I didn't mean to do it this way. Though, I don't regret this in the slightest—it just wasn't the best way to bring up the way I was feeling. I think I was sick of you treating me like I was just like other men.” He pauses, “I really like you, Noona.” He finally confesses.

You don't know what this means for you two, you don't know how you feel about this just yet. But, you do know that you're willing to figure it out, with him, preferably. So, you tell him so, pulling him under the covers when he nods and his lips twitch into a grin. “You still have to make up for all you put me through.” Jungwon reminds you, brows quirking up teasingly. “Will this suffice?” You ask, mischievous hands feeling him down and finding his half-softened cock, surprising him with a jolt. “Oh, you're a fast learner.” He coos, shuffling you around until you're securely on top of him. 

You find yourself tangled in sheets with Jungwon all night, showing him, in multiple ways and positions, just how much you're willing to do to make it up to him. What you fail to remember is your now not so passed out cousin in the living room, who has to bear the torture of crashing at your place.

All rights reserved to @/icekkeugf 2025. Please do not copy, steal or translate any of my works.

[starfly-nicole]

i felt like every bit of heartbreak reading this as if i’m not already single enough over here. i could reread this multiple times but the thought of going through that heartbreak hurts so i remind myself of the ending so i can reread such a masterpiece. truthfully this is one of the best writings i have ever read

As if he isn't the reason your chest feels like it's been hollowed out and left to rot.

how i feel reading this fic

He'll look at you like you are his best friend. Like you are his safe place. Like you are the person he can always count on.

making me feel so much false hope. god the safe place thing will always get me

"You want me to put you in chains to keep you still?"

please do. wait i’m sorry, this is not what we meant ahhh

"No, no, don't - please, Y/n, don't." He runs through his words, frantically getting them out, frantically trying to make you look at him.

i can feel my heart breaking and i don’t like it, it fucking hurts

He lets out a sound that resembles a sob. And then you feel the damp heat of a tear where his face brushes against yours.

no, no, no. don’t do that to me. i can’t see him cry. why are you doing this to me 😭😭

He breathes you in like you are something holy, tilting your head and deepening the kiss. He is not forceful. He takes what he can get and he cherishes it. Like he said, he wants to take his time with you. It makes you fall in love with him even more.

i just want my own bucky who will kiss me like this

okay, i’m done. i think… if i keep going, i’ll analyse every paragraph

Like he means it

Pairing: Roommate!Bucky x Reader

Summary: You can’t take another night of hearing Bucky fuck a girl who isn’t you.

Word Count: 13.6k

Warnings: Bucky is a fuckboy (but he’s still a sweetheart); lots of talk about unrequited love (but is it?); mentions of sex; crying; lots of desperation; longing; heavy confessions; feels; happy ending

Author’s Note: This is written for the lovely cinema themed writing challenge of @elixirfromthestars ♡ I had this kind of idea for a while but when I read those lyrics it somehow immediately came back to my mind and I needed to make something out of it. This is kind of inspired by your Boulevard Confessions because I loved it so much! And damn, I've already written so much about roommate!Bucky but I can’t help myself lol, I love him. Also, this got a little long, I'm sorry. Still, I hope you enjoy! ♡

Hold My Hand "Pull me close, wrap me in your aching arms. I see that you're hurtin', why'd you take so long to tell me you need me? I see that you're bleeding, you don't need to show me again. But if you decide to, I'll ride in this life with you. I won't let go 'til the end." — Lady Gaga

Masterlist

You hear the giggling before anything else.

It’s always the giggling.

And, as always, it grates on your nerves.

It carves through the air, seeps into the walls, into the floorboards, into you. It tears its way inside and scrapes its manicured nails along the rawest and most sensitive parts of you, only to bury itself deep, where you can’t simply dig it out.

Then comes the keys.

The light, metallic jingle, so careless in its melody, but so troubling in its meaning.

Then the lock turning, the click soft and yet so irrefutable.

Then the door opening.

More giggles.

His breathy chuckles.

Then the door closing.

Shoes being kicked off, one hitting the wall.

You press the pillow harder against your ears, as if you could suffocate the sound before it reaches you, as if you could bury yourself deep enough under the covers to escape what you already know is coming. But you can’t. You never can.

Your brain usually does you the favors of drowning out the parts in the hallway, knowing it will probably make your heart stop in an instant. Today, it doesn’t do you any favors and you close your eyes, accepting the sting behind them.

And then, his bedroom door.

And if all that wasn’t torture enough, it was only the easy part.

Because now is when it really starts. It’s when your throat closes up, the breath in your lungs turns heavy, thick, impossible. Because no matter how many times this has happened, no matter how many times you laid here in your bed, still, so still, waiting for the agony to stop, pretending it doesn’t happen - it never stops hurting. It never stops breaking your heart - or whatever’s left of it.

At first, there is silence. The small period where you almost dare to believe, to hope.

But then comes the moaning.

High-pitched and breathy, hinting at a pleasure that strikes you with a hammer.

Someone else. Always someone else. Someone who is not you, someone who never had to try, someone who will never know what it means to ache for him like you do.

Then, quieter, but just as devastating, Bucky’s voice. The low sound of him unraveling. The sound of something slipping from him that you will never be able to take.

And that’s what breaks you most. That’s what turns the ache into utter misery. Madness even. It’s the inescapable proof that he has something to give - something deep, something intimate - and he is giving it away. Over and over again, but never to you.

You close your eyes, as always. It doesn’t help, as always. The sounds don’t stop anyway. The images come anyway - the touches you have imagined, the way his hands would feel against your skin, the way his mouth would shape your name if you were the one beneath him. The way he might look at you, if only he could see.

But right now, you are just the ghost in the next room, curled in on yourself, ears filled with the sound of someone else living the life you always wanted.

And in the morning, or right after, when the door will open again, when the giggling will turn to goodbyes, you will still be here, where you always are. Where you always will be. Waiting. Wanting. Breaking. Wishing you could turn it off, this feeling. This unendurable and never-ending heartbreak.

And that finally makes the tears flow.

They well up before they spill over, down the slope of your cheek, gathering in the hollow beneath your nose before falling onto the pillow and wetting it like a pool.

You squeeze your eyes shut, so tightly it should hurt, so tightly it should make them stop. But they come anyway. They come despite the barricade of your willpower, despite the way your body coils tighter in on itself. They come despite the desperate war you wage against them.

They come because you have lost. Because it’s too much.

The moaning doesn’t stop, and it’s too much. It’s the middle of the night, and it’s too much. It’s the third night in a row, and it’s too much.

Bucky’s hushed voice shatters something inside of you, you didn’t know was left intact a few seconds ago.

Your breath turns sticky, only half of it making its way up your throat. The other half stays attached to the walls of your throat like honey gone rancid. It refuses to leave completely, snagging and trapping you in the awful space between breathing and choking.

Maybe if it stopped altogether, it would be easier. Maybe suffocating would be gentler than this slow and unsparing death of heartbreak.

Your hands are shaking. You bury your face into the pillow, willing it to just take you as a whole and never let you leave again. The fabric muffles the shuddering sobs, but it cannot do anything for the way your body trembles. But you know that the sounds of pleasure in the other room will tune out the sounds of your cries. The pillow is being clutched so tightly, you might tear the fabric. But it’s your heart that’s being torn into so many pieces. So what is a pillow compared to the ruin of your heart? It’s nothing.

You are alone in your grief.

The moans stop for a second - abrupt, cut off mid-breath.

Bucky’s voice comes. He says something but you don’t catch his words.

However, you do catch the displeased groan of his girl for the night. Drawn-out and petulant. Annoyed.

Bucky speaks again. Firmer, this time. Again, it’s too quiet to catch it.

And then you hear your name. It’s muffled still, but you would hear your name coming from his lips always and forever. You know the exact cadence of it shaping his mouth.

Everything in you halts. Your breaths are suspended somewhere in your throat, caught between shock and devastation.

The girl scoffs. It’s a snappy sound. Almost whiny. You would have rolled your eyes if you weren’t so troubled.

The moaning resumes. But it is quieter this time. Controlled almost. A courtesy. A mercy. But not for you. Not in the way you wish.

And it makes you know.

He asked her to keep it down. For you. He must have told her he has a roommate - you - and that they need to be mindful, that you might be trying to sleep.

Somehow, in all the infinite ways he could have cared for you, this is the one he chose. Not to love you, not to want you, but to make sure his flings don’t disrupt your sleep. As if that’s the worst of it. As if the noise is what truly keeps you up at night, and not the agonizing truth of it all.

Harshly, your teeth sink into your lip, fighting to stifle the sob that trembles on the edge of you. But again, you are losing.

Because hearing your name in the middle of something so intimate, spoken in the same breath of his pleasure, is pure anguish.

Because your name should not exist there. Not like this. Not casually sneaking into a mind occupied with pleasuring someone else.

If he were to say your name in a moment like this, it should be a soft whisper against your skin, entangled in sheets, buried in kisses that steal the air from your lungs. It should be something private, something sacred.

Not an idle afterthought. A consideration. A passing thought before he loses himself in someone else’s body. You have never heard him say any girl’s name before when sleeping with them, but hell you also don’t try to listen too closely.

You won’t talk about this. You never talk about this. When the morning comes and you meet Bucky in the kitchen for breakfast, you will not mention it. Just like you never mention the other nights. Just like you never dwell on the soft apologies he offers when they got too loud. And just like always, you will brush it off, force a brittle smile, and tell him that it’s fine.

It’s not. It never has been. And you don’t think you ever manage to make it sound like you mean it. But you are gone before Bucky can push or apologize again. Or see how deep the knife has gone.

Because he might be careful to be quiet. But he will never be careful enough to stop breaking your heart.

So what is the point?

You don’t want to do another morning like this.

You can’t do another morning like this.

Not three times in a row.

Not when the night has already taken your soul and what was precious of it, barely sewn together by the time the sun fights its way through the window.

Not when you know how it will play out. Like it has the day before. And the day before that.

The door to his room will creak open, the girl already gone. You will hear the shuffle of his bare feet against the floor, the sigh as he stretches, and the yawn that usually makes it past his lips. He never tries to stifle it.

And then, him standing there and watching you.

Disheveled. Bed hair sticking up in a mess. You never let your mind wander to how her fingers might have something to do with that. His shirt would loosely hang over his frame, probably thrown on in a hurry, collar askew, revealing a sliver of skin you shouldn’t be looking at.

That lazy and slightly flustered smile. Sleep still in the corners of his eyes, his lips, his voice, when he greets you with a scratchy morning.

Like nothing happened. Like he didn’t shatter you into a thousand unfixable pieces last night. And the night before that. And now this night.

You will do your best to greet him back without sounding pained. Focusing on making coffee. The way the steam normally curls into the air, the warmth of the mug in your hands. You will have to focus on it as if it’s the only thing keeping you upright.

And despite knowing you shouldn’t - despite hating yourself for it - you will slide a cup toward him. As you always do.

His smile would shift. Settling into something fond, something warm, something that digs its claws into your ribs and refuses to let go.

Because that’s usually the worst part. He’s always so sweet with you. Thoughtful, affectionate in ways that don’t count. In the ways that make you feel like maybe if you just hold on a little longer, if you wait just a little more, he might start feeling what you do.

But you are certain, he won’t.

Because for him, everything seems fine. For him, this will be just another morning. Another easy, comfortable start to the day. With his eyes on you and sipping his coffee, exhaling like he is finally at peace, and leaning against the counter with a lightness that always has your stomach all up in shambles.

He always makes it seem so normal. Starting conversation with you, talking to you as if nothing has changed. Like you didn’t spend the night curled in on yourself, swallowing down sobs so thick they feel like razor blades. Like you didn’t spend the night choking on the sound of him with her.

He never mentions them. Never says any of the girl’s names, not that you even know what they are. He never makes plans to see them again. Just another faceless but very loud girl. One to be forgotten.

But tomorrow night, there will be another.

Tomorrow night will be the same.

And in the morning nothing will have happened.

Only him standing there with his sleep-mussed hair and that sweet, easy smile, drinking the coffee you should have stopped making for him a long, long time ago.

You rise out of bed, not even aware of it. The cold air nips at your tear-streaked cheeks, your sheets thrown back in a mass of tangled fabric still warm from the ball your body was curled in, breaking in silence. The pillow is still wet.

Your hands move on their own, tugging on slacks, yanking a hoodie over your head as though the fabric could hide you, save you from the devastation caving a hole into your chest.

You fumble for your phone before throwing open your bedroom door.

The moans are louder again. Yanking at your resolve and laughing at the way your tears keep coming.

Your feet move faster. You don’t actually run, but it feels like running. Like fleeing. Escaping a burning building before it collapses. The living room comes into view and it’s like a cruel trick, like the universe is taunting you, because all you see are phantoms.

The coffee machine on the counter. How many times have you two stood there, still tousled with sleep, you making coffee for the both of you because Bucky burns everything. How many times did he lean on the counter, watching you with that stupid little half-smirk, pretending to judge your process but always humming in satisfaction when he took the first sip.

The bookshelf in the corner - the one you swore you could build on your own. And you tried, you really did, but the second the screwdriver slipped and you gasped out loud, Bucky was there immediately. Hands on yours, worry furrowing his brows, grumbling about your stubbornness and continuing to grumble when he passive-aggressively built it himself.

You sat cross-legged on the floor, watching him, pretending to be annoyed but secretly savoring the way he kept glancing at you, again and again, to make sure you were okay and giving you instructions as to how it’s done but throwing you a glare when you insisted on trying again.

The carpet. The same one you both collapsed onto after a night out with your friends, too tipsy to move, giggling like teenagers as you pointed at the ceiling, pretending to find constellations in the uneven paint. He named one after you. You named one after him. You fell asleep there, side by side, and when you woke up he was so close. So close.

The couch. The one he practically melted into last week when he had a fever, whining dramatically until you caved and brought him soup. He kept pulling you back when you tried to leave, pouting like a child, demanding your attention because I’m sick, doll. Can’t ignore me when I’m sick. Until you sighed and sat down, letting his head rest in your lap. He fell asleep like that. Snoring. And you didn’t have the heart to move.

And now he is in his room, tangled in her, moaning into her skin, kissing her - like it doesn’t mean anything. Like none of it ever meant anything.

Your breath is uneven, your hands shaking as you grab your shoes. The laces blur, your vision fogs, but you can’t stop.

You throw open the door to your shared apartment, barely thinking, barely breathing, only moving. It swings back into the frame with a sharp sound echoing through the hallway, louder than you had intended. But it doesn’t matter now. Because you are sure that Bucky doesn’t hear it. He doesn’t notice. He is otherwise occupied and you are utterly drained of thinking about with what.

The air outside the apartment feels different. Lighter and cooler, but it doesn’t bring relief. It’s thin and hard to pull into your lungs properly.

Natasha’s place isn’t far. Fifteen minutes on foot. You tell yourself that over and over, like a mantra, like something to grasp on.

No more moans. Lost to silence, left in a place that feels little like home right now. Still, they resonate in your skull, haunting reminders of that pain you can’t dismiss, that hurt that hangs off you like a heavy burden.

You slow your steps on the staircase and inhale deeply. It trembles on its way out.

You hate how fragile you feel. How breakable. Hate how much this affects you. How much he affects you.

But you keep walking.

Just yesterday, you talked to Natasha and she offered you to stay with her for the night, looking at you all sharp and knowing, but in her own way sympathetic. You declined. Because you thought you’d be fine. Well, you were wrong.

It’s past midnight now, completely dark, but you don’t care.

You know, Natasha will let you in. And that will have to be enough for tonight.

The city is alive even at this hour. Neon lights glow in the distance, their reflection shimmering in rain-slicked puddles that dot the cracked pavement. Somewhere across the street, there is a group of people laughing, and disappearing around a corner. A car flies past, with headlights unlocking long shadows lengthening down the sidewalk.

You focus on those things. On the shoes thumping against the pavement. The way the crisp air is somehow refreshing as it weaves through the fabric of your hoodie and stings slightly at the tear-streaked skin of your cheeks, keeping you awake and propelling you forward. Not that you need any more motivation to leave.

You wind your arms around yourself like a shield, like a last-ditch effort to keep yourself from falling apart completely.

You don’t look back.

Somewhere above you, there is a creak of a window opening.

It makes you freeze for a small second, before tightening your arms around yourself and picking up your pace.

Your stomach spins violently because fuck, you know that sound. You know the groan of that window when it moves, just a little off its hinges, just enough to make a noise you’ve heard a hundred times before. Because it’s the window of your apartment. And it makes a noise that has never felt so much like a punch to the gut.

“Y/n?”

You close your eyes.

“Y/n!”

Your name spills from his lips, laced with confusion, infused with something that makes your fingers clench around your arms.

You could ignore him. You should ignore him. Just keep walking, keep moving, pretend you didn’t hear.

But you can’t. You never can.

With a slow, dragging breath, you turn around.

Bucky is leaning over the frame, his torso reaching out the window, bare from the shoulders down. He is bathed in the hazy yellow glow of the streetlights.

His hair is messed up, brown tendrils all sticking in different directions. His brows are knitted in confusion. His lips in a frown so full of worry. And it’s just too much.

Too warm. Too intimate. Too familiar.

Your chest stutters, lurches, and swirls itself into a dozen moving shapes that hurt more than they should. Because he stands there shirtless. Shirtless. And you know why.

You swallow back your hurt, but it stays stuck in your throat and crawls right up again to make you taste it on your tongue.

You force your gaze away from staring at the curve of his collarbone, the slope of his throat, the soft lines of his skin, the hard lines of his muscles that she had her hands on just minutes ago.

“Where are you going?”

The tone highlights his concern, thick with the kind of worry that would have meant everything if it weren’t coming from him like this, not now. His voice is rough, remnants of the time already spent with that girl, but all you can hear is that damn worry in it.

As if you owe him an answer. As if he isn’t the reason your chest feels like it’s been hollowed out and left to rot.

You draw in half a breath and look away - down the street, down at your shoes, the bricks of your building. Anywhere that isn’t him.

“To Nat’s.”

It’s clipped and short. You don’t want to explain, don’t want to talk, don’t want to stand here in the night air beneath the window of the apartment you share with him like some pathetic wreck while he worries about you.

“Nat’s?” You can hear the bewilderment in his voice, the way he is trying to piece it together, the way his brain is already working overtime, scrambling to make sense of this - and you can practically feel the moment he decides he won’t let it go.

“Somethin’ happen?” His voice just won’t stop to be so perplexed, so concerned. It is softer now, but you only glance up at him briefly before averting your eyes again.

Because damn Bucky, yes, something happened. Everything happened. Every night that he brings someone home, every touch that belongs to someone else, every soft moan that isn’t meant for you.

All these moments, all these memories, every feeling left unsaid that swivels and stings and grows into what it is now - a storm inside your rib cage, a hurricane of almosts and never wills and why does it have to be like this?

But of course, you can’t say that. You won’t say that.

So you just shake your head, tighten your arms around yourself, and take a step back.

“Go back to bed, Bucky.”

Because you can’t do this right now. You won’t do this right now.

Not when you are already about to break.

“I- What?”

His voice is a little raspy, puzzled, and under any other circumstance, it might have been endearing. On a normal day, if this were some cozy Sunday morning and not the breaking stretch of midnight, you might have smiled at the sight of him like this - hair in a wild mess, eyes a little heavy from the day, bare shoulders shifting in the glow of the streets.

But this is not a Sunday morning. And nothing about this feels good or cozy or right.

You are so damn exhausted. So damn drained.

“You-” he starts again, brow furrowing deeper, but before he can get another word out, hands appear - slim fingers wrapping around the thick of his bicep, tugging, pulling, trying to drag him back inside.

Bile is pooling at the base of your throat.

She’s alone with him up there, in the space that you have spent so much time making into something warm, something filled with comfort. A space where you feel home. With him. And yet, it’s that random girl in there, laying in his bed, under his covers, in his scent, in him.

“Bucky, come on.” Her voice is thin and peevish, thick with impatience. And exhaustion you believe she has no right to feel when you are the one who has spent the time suffocating under her presence.

But Bucky doesn’t move.

His hand only grips onto the windowsill tighter, muscles in his arm locking.

And his eyes stay fixed on you.

Still searching. Still confused. Still trying to understand.

And it makes your hands clammy.

The way he looks at you like he is reaching for something just beyond his grasp, something that eludes him no matter how hard he tries to hold onto it.

He huffs out a breath that just borders on frustration when her fingers won’t stop pulling at him.

“Hold on, doll-” he calls out to you and unwinds her hands from his arm, barely sparing her a glance as he leans out the window again. There is a little something in his tone when he speaks to you again. Something like exasperation. But it’s not meant for you. “What’re you doin’ at Nat’s? Tell her it’s the middle of the goddamn night. Why would she let you walk over to her? She knows it’s not safe.”

You shake your head, already half turning away again. You just cannot do this right now.

“It’s fine. Just go back to bed, Bucky.”

“Y/n - hey. What’s wrong? What’s this about?” There it is. That softness in his voice. That concern. And it hurts. Because he doesn’t get it.

“Go. Back. To bed,” you repeat, sharper now, gritting it out between clenched teeth.

But Bucky has always been stubborn. And so infuriating. It’s like he doesn’t hear you at all.

“C’mon doll, did something happen? Talk to me,” he urges, voice gentle but he doesn’t seem to like the way you look as if you would bolt around the corner any second. His tone is coaxing in a way that makes you ache because this is what he does. This is what he has always done - pulling you in, making you feel safe, making you feel cared for, making you feel like you matter. Like he means it.

And it’s cruel. So cruel.

Because you are in love with him.

And he is standing in that window, bare-chested and rumpled from a night with another woman, while you are in slacks and a simple hoodie beneath him with your heart cracked wide open, bleeding into the pavement.

“I don’t wanna do this right now, Bucky,” you snip, voice losing patience. But you are so tired.

Bucky sighs and runs a hand through his hair, frustration growing, seeping into his voice. “You’re killin’ me here, sweetheart. Just tell me what’s goin’ on. It’s cold out, doll. You’re not even wearin’ a jacket.”

You swallow down a choked breath.

Because this is making things so much worse.

That he cares. That he is looking at you like this, like you matter, like you are his.

Like you are something he wants to figure out. And he wants to take his time with. Like he wants to fix you.

But you are not broken. You are just in love.

“Bucky,” that girl calls out again, dragging his name out, voice honey-thick and pettish. “Come on babe, let it go. Just-” She tugs at his arm again, nails skimming along his forearm. “Come back to bed.”

But he doesn’t move.

Doesn’t even glance at her.

His mouth twitches, jaw ticking as he exhales sharply through his nose, shaking her off with a firm roll of his shoulder. “Would you quit it for a sec?” His voice is edged now, tinged with a kind of terse impatience he seldom ever lets out. “Jesus, m’tryin to talk here.”

The girl huffs, clearly displeased, but Bucky doesn’t spare her another second.

But the one second he threw his head around at her was your chance. Your feet move before you can think, before you can talk yourself into staying, because if you do, if you let him pull you in, let yourself hope-

“Woah, doll, hey. Wait, I-”

His voice is frantic, stammering over its own syllables and filled with too many things your mind is too jumbled to focus on.

But it makes you stop your body in the midst of a step. And you grind down on your teeth against the frustration burning inside you.

You should keep walking. Shouldn’t have stopped.

But Bucky is leaning even further out now, his knuckles bracing against the sill, the night air tousling his hair, eyes wide and concerned, searching. One of his arms is reaching out, down to you as if he could touch you like this.

“Hold up, yeah? I’m comin’ down.”

You whip halfway back to him, brows snapping together, heart slamming against your ribs.

“No, you-”

He’s already pulling himself back inside, shaking his head as if it should be obvious. “I’m coming down,” he repeats, more insistent, more sure. Leaving no room for argument.

Your fists squeeze the fabric of your hoodie. Your stomach churns. “Bucky-” you try again. But he has already made up his mind.

“Wait there, alright?” His voice dips lower, steadier but still urgent. Resolute, as if he would run after you if you bolted down the street. “Doll. Promise me you’ll wait.”

Something in his tone, the look he is giving you, like he’s begging, almost a sweet-talking declaration. It’s catching your breath somewhere in your throat.

You could run.

You should.

You should turn right back around, disappear into the night, and leave him standing there, shirtless and confused and worried.

But you hold his gaze for just one long and heavy beat, then exhale shakily, shoulders dropping slightly.

“Okay,” you say weakly.

Bucky nods determined and taps his fingers against the windowsill, before rushing away, leaving the window wide open.

And you stand there hating yourself for waiting.

Hating yourself for hoping.

Technically, you could just leave.

Take a different route to Nat’s apartment, slip into the dark veins of the city where his voice wouldn’t reach, and let him walk out onto an empty sidewalk with his hair still tousled from another woman’s fingers and the taste of someone else’s lips still lingering on his own.

You could make him feel just a fraction of what you feel, with something hollow pressing up against his ribs when he finds nothing but cold pavement where you used to stand.

But you don’t.

You know you won’t.

Because it wouldn’t just frustrate him. It would hurt him.

And that’s the one thing you could never bring yourself to do.

Not Bucky.

Never Bucky.

You know him. The way he chews at the inside of his cheek when he’s trying not to say something reckless. The way his brows pull just a little too tight when he’s agitated but trying to play it off like he is fine. The way he folds his arms over his chest, not because he’s closed off, but because he needs something to hold onto.

You know exactly how he would react if he stepped out here and you weren’t there.

How the slight crease between his brows would deepen. How his fingers would twitch, opening and closing, like he’d missed his chance to catch you. How his lips would open and he would stare helplessly around and call your name.

And god, as much as this pain is devouring you from the inside out, pushing its way into the light but leaving you sitting in the dark, as much as your heart feels like being torn apart with unsaid words and unmet confessions - you cannot stand the thought of hurting him.

So you stay.

With feet planted on the concrete, fists clenched so hard, that your fingers start to cramp. You lift your trembling hands to your aching cheeks to hastily scrub away the fresh wave of tears surging forth downwards, willing your body to erase any evidence of your devastation.

But the more you wipe, the more it hurts.

You believe your cheeks are red from the effort of wiping so much, eyes swollen and puffy, your body trying to rebel against all of your commands.

Inhaling shakily, you force the breath down, down, down where you can pretend it doesn’t hurt so much. You angle your face slightly away from the building, hoping the dim spill of moonlight won’t betray your inner struggles.

Because the moment Bucky steps out that door, it will be the same as always.

He’ll look at you like you are his best friend. Like you are his safe place. Like you are the person he can always count on.

And you will look at him like you aren’t falling apart.

Like your heart isn’t unraveling at the seams.

Like you aren’t drowning in a love that will never be returned.

The door swings open with a force that startles you, the sound of it hitting the frame a little too sharp against the night.

Bucky storms out onto the sidewalk like he’s got something urgent to say, like the world might stop spinning if he doesn’t get to you fast enough. He doesn’t hesitate. Doesn’t pause. Just moves straight to you, his steps quick, closing the space before you can change your mind about standing here. He has a crumpled shirt thrown on and it hangs a little off. But it makes you want to run so hard.

His fingers wrap around your arms, not hard, not forceful but firm.

Those warm hands on you make you want to crumble.

His breath is coming fast, chest rising and falling, like he ran down the staircase to get here as fast as possible.

His eyes are so deep, deep and blue, roaming your face with so much intensity, searching and scanning and pausing.

Shadows cast over his sharp cheekbones at the way his brows are furrowed, his lips slightly parted.

“What’s going on, doll? You been cryin’?” His voice comes out rough and he talks fast. Urgent, breaths spilling over themselves as he rushed through the words, almost tripping on them in his desperation to get them out. “Why’ve you been crying? What happened?”

His thumb twitches against the fabric of your hoodie.

You open your mouth, close it again. Your throat is dry from the sobs you tried to silence earlier. You shake your head, a knee-jerk reaction.

“I was just going to Nat’s, Bucky. Nothing happened.”

It’s a weak excuse, said in a weak voice.

And you hate how it makes Bucky’s expression shift. That tiny wounded something that crosses his features, something that shouldn’t be there, because you did wait for him, you didn’t leave, but it’s still not enough. You lied to him. And he knows it. And he’s hurt. And you hate yourself.

He shakes his head, his jaw going tight.

“No,” he murmurs, eyes never leaving you, voice so low. “That ain’t nothin’, doll. C’mon. You’re runnin’ off in the middle of the night, how could this be nothing?”

You look away. Because if you keep looking at him, him with his concern and confusion and hurt all interflowing in the pool of those blue eyes, you won’t be able to hold yourself together much longer.

You swallow hard and force yourself to breathe slowly.

The sting behind your eyes is never really leaving you.

Bucky leans in, just a little. His grip on your arms tightens, but it’s not harsh. Only insistent. Desperate for you to give him something here.

“Somethin’ up with Natasha?” His voice is gentle, like he knows this has nothing to do with her, but he has to ask anyway to go through all the possible options of what might be going on.

“No,” you croak, barely managing the word.

He softens at the sound of it, but that frown doesn’t ease.

“What’re you doing then, huh? Why’re you running off like that? S’ not safe, you know that.” His voice is soft. Almost like he’s trying to soothe a skittish animal. But the concern is wrapping around every word. “What’s got you so upset, sweetheart? Talk to me, yeah? Please?”

His voice takes on a desperate intensity. Like he’s begging you to just let him in. To make him understand.

You bite down hard on your bottom lip, willing it not to tremble, willing your face not to crumble right in front of him, but the air is too thick for your airway, making it harder and harder to breathe.

And Bucky is looking at you, like you are breaking his goddamn heart. Like you took a shot straight for it.

He is so full of worry, it looks painful, the crease of his brow always there when he’s thinking too hard, when he’s feeling too hard. His lips are still parted, like he wants to beg for an explanation, for some string of words that will make this all click into place and turn this into something fixable.

Because Bucky Barnes fixes things.

But this might be the only thing he can’t fix.

His hands on you are a contrast to the way you feel as if you’re falling apart. You hate how much you just want to collapse into it, to let yourself lean into him, let him hold you up. Because he would. You know he would. He would pull you in without hesitation, wrap his arms around you like he has done so many times before.

But you don’t want him to hold you. Don’t want him to hold you like a friend.

You want him to hold you like he means it. Like you mean something more than the sum of all the nights you spent choking on your own silence, swallowing words you could never say.

So all you can do is stay frozen, bones locked, eyes burning, heart splitting itself open in the middle of the street where he doesn’t even know he’s killing you.

“I-”

You try. You really try.

But then the door swings open again. And the sound of it alone is enough to send a bolt of ice down your spine.

Because this time it’s her walking out.

She steps out onto the sidewalk like she has every right to be a part of this moment.

Like she hasn’t spent the first part of the night in Bucky’s bed. Like she hasn’t been touched by him, kissed by him, fucked by him, wanted by him in a way that you have only ever ached for.

Like she hasn’t taken something that was never hers to have.

But it’s not yours either.

She looks so composed, too. More put together than you would have imagined. Her hair smoothed, clothes adjusted, skin glowing in a way that tells you she wasn’t just sleeping up there - she was living in something you’ve been dying for. She probably took a moment in your bathroom to check herself, to fix her lipstick, maybe even to admire herself in the mirror while you were downstairs, breaking apart.

She had the time for that.

Meanwhile, you can barely stand.

Your body is alive with magnitudes of unspoken things, suffocating. You feel like you’ve been sanded down, like a piece of wood, leaving nothing but the ache and longing and all the words you can’t say. This destruction is slow and ruthless, it doesn’t come with an explosion, but rather a slow erasure.

Like you’re being unmade. Piece by piece.

Like you were never meant to be here in the first place.

And Bucky is still looking at you.

Not at her.

You.

And maybe that should be enough. Maybe it should mean something.

But it just puts more pressure on the knife that is already turning around in your flesh.

The girl doesn’t leave and Bucky stiffens.

“Bucky,” she drawls, almost lazy, like she’s bored with this already. “Are you coming back up, or…?”

Your stomach lurches.

You feel exposed, scraped raw, like you’ve been trampled over, flattened by something massive, left behind for everyone else to step around.

Bucky lets out a slow breath through his nose. His jaw works under pressure. And then, he huffs. Annoyed. Like she’s interrupting something important.

“Go home,” he flatly tells her, his attention still on you. Not even addressing her with a name. Perhaps he doesn’t even know it.

“Seriously?” she scoffs, crossing her arms. Her eyes flick between the two of you.

Bucky exhales another breath and drops one of his arms from you to scrub it over his face, pushing through his hair. He turns toward her just a little, stance rigid.

“Yeah, seriously,” he mutters, already turning back to you. “I’ll call you a cab if you need-”

“God, you’re such a dick,” she snaps, cutting him off, rolling her eyes with an exasperated huff. “Unbelievable.”

And then she’s gone.

But so are you.

You don’t even think about it. You just move.

Your arm slips from Bucky’s loosened grip, your body already shifting, already turning, already pulling you down the sidewalk, away from him, away from this.

It’s pathetic. You know this. But you have to get away.

Your vision is a blur, the streetlights smearing into a soft, hazy glow against the wetness welling in your eyes, and no matter how much you try to breathe through it, it’s too much. Simply too much.

You’re hurting. And you need to go. Now.

But Bucky doesn’t let you.

“Woah, whoah, hey!” His voice is quick, rushed, and then he is moving, closing the space between you. And this time, he cuts you off completely, stepping right into your path, right in front of you, blocking the way like a wall. He’s so broad in front of you, and so fucking present, making it impossible to escape.

You stop so fast it almost sends you stumbling back.

His eyes flick over you so quickly, so intensely, scanning for something he doesn’t understand but is so desperate to find.

“Alright,” he exhales, low and careful, holding his arms out as if ready to stop you again if you make a run for it.

“You want me to put you in chains to keep you still?���It’s a weak and failed attempt at humor.

And it’s not funny. Not even close.

His voice is too thin, too strained, and there is something in his eyes, something tight and aching, that makes it clear he is not even trying all that hard to make his joke work.

You don’t smile. Don’t look at him. Arms still around yourself.

Bucky’s throat bobs as he swallows, as he shifts his weight, as he lets out another slow and deliberate breath. He moves so slow. As if any tiny movement of him would make you walk away from him.

“What’s going on with you, mhm?” His voice is so soft. So concerned. Brooklyn warmth and worry combined with something gentler than you can handle right now.

“What’s this - this fight-or-flight thing you got goin’ on?” he continues, tilting his head just slightly, watching you too closely, reading too much. “You’re rushing off like the damn place is on fire. The hell is that about, doll?” Still so soft. So cautious.

His eyes are on you like you are the only thing in the world that matters, like he’s trying to solve you, like if he just looks long enough, he’ll figure it out.

But if he really understood, if he really found out, everything between you would change.

And you can’t handle that. You can’t handle anything at the moment.

“Just drop it, Bucky, alright?” It comes out sharper than you mean for it to. Harsher. A little spit of venom that you hate yourself for the second it hits the air. He doesn’t deserve your attitude. But you can’t hold it back.

You see the way it lands. The way his brows pull in tighter, the way his lips press together, the way his chest rises and falls so measured. But it’s all not out of irritation. He just tries to figure out where that came from. What is happening. What has you react the way you do.

His voice is even and calm. But oh so careful. “I don’t think I will, doll.”

You look anywhere than at him and his troubled face.

Your throat tightens so fast, you have to swallow hard against it, teeth digging into the inside of your cheek as you blink up at the sky like maybe that keeps the tears from spilling over.

And Bucky watches all of that.

His expression stays soft, but his eyes are burning with something deep, something real, something that makes you feel like you might actually drown if you keep looking at them for too long.

“Y/n,” he almost whispers, and it sounds so pained. “Why are you crying, sweetheart.” He’s so gentle, so tender, so fucking careful like he’s afraid that if he pushes too hard, you’ll just break.

You shake your head, arms around yourself tightening. “I’m fine.”

Bucky makes a quiet noise in his throat, somewhere between a sigh and a scoff, something deep and disbelieving.

“See, that’s bullshit.”

You’re about to turn again, but he anticipates and gets hold of your arms.

“Look,” he sighs, heedfully taking off a hand of you to rub it down his face. “You don’t wanna talk? Fine. You wanna bite my head off cause I’m askin’? Fine. But don’t stand here and tell me you’re okay. Because I’ve got eyes, doll, and I can see that you’re not.”

You want him to stop.

You want him to turn around.

You want him to leave you here to fall apart in peace.

But he won’t.

And you don’t know what to do with that.

And you break.

No matter how hard you bite your lip, it doesn’t matter.

The tears slip and streak down your face before there is anything you can do. A sob follows. You can’t choke it down. Your shoulders shake, your breath stutters, and your face tilts towards the ground as you bring trembling hands up to wipe at your cheeks, in a futile and desperate attempt to regain composure. It’s useless.

You feel so pathetic.

Embarrassed. Ashamed that you ran off like this. That you’re standing here, crying in the middle of the night, on a sidewalk with no explanation, making a fool of yourself in front of him.

And the second your face crumbles, his does, too.

The second your breath hitches, he is moving.

Strong arms envelope you, winding tight, pulling you straight into his chest like he doesn’t even need to think about it. Not for a single second.

You let him.

Because it’s either this, or you’ll collapse down onto the asphalt.

His grip is firm, grounding, warm in a way that makes you ache even more. His hand cradles the back of your head, tucking you against him, and you feel the press of his lips there, gentle, but somehow rough.

Like your pain is his own.

“It’s okay. Shh… it’s okay,” he breathes, pained and low, the words pressed into your hair, into your skin. Making space between your ribs. “Oh, doll.” He presses you tighter to him. His hand brushes over your hair. “It’s okay.”

There is something so deep and aching in the way he talks to you, like the sound of his own voice hurts him. Like you hurt him.

His other hand moves over your back, soothingly, trying to give you some strength.

“I gotcha,” he breathes. “M’here, doll. Okay? Just breathe. Gotta breathe for me, baby. Please.”

It’s a slip. Baby. A mistake.

And it makes you cry harder.

Because it’s so soft. Gentle. Because it falls from his lips like something that’s always been there, something that’s always belonged to you.

Except it hasn’t.

It doesn’t.

Not in the way you want.

You don’t know what he calls those girls he takes home. If they get to hear him say it. Girls who have felt his hands in places you never will. Girls who have heard his voice rasp against their skin in the dark.

But you are not one of those girls.

You never will be.

And you know you will never be able to untangle that damaging wrench in your stomach.

So hearing him call you that. Baby. Like it means something. Like it’s yours. Like it hasn’t been whispered in the dim glow of your apartment, murmured against someone else’s lips, someone else’s skin, just someone else just hours ago.

It’s too hard. too cruel.

You wish it didn’t matter. You wish it didn’t rip through you the way it does, splitting you down the center, carving you open.

But it does.

Because even if it doesn’t belong to you, you still want it.

So you cry harder.

Sobs wrack through you, your chest hitching with the force of them, your hands gripping the fabric of his shirt, clumping it in your fists.

Bucky feels it and he hears it and he grips you tighter, pulls you closer.

“Hey, hey, hey,” he coos, voice just above a whisper, more desperate now. Like he’s drowning in your hurt right along with you.

“Sweetheart,” he tries again, voice strained, thick. His lips are in your hair. “Please talk to me. Make me understand, baby, please! Tell me what’s wrong.”

But you can’t.

Because what the hell would you even say?

That you’re in love with him?

That you’ve been in love with him?

That seeing him with her - hearing the sounds that bleed through the walls, the ones you’ll never be able to unhear - feels like being skinned alive?

That you want him in a way you shouldn’t?

That you want him in a way he will never want you back?

You won’t.

So instead, you just press yourself harder into his chest and squeeze your eyes shut, letting him hold you like you are something precious. Like you are his. Even if you are not.

“Help me understand here, baby. Please,” he repeats with a voice so soft, that makes him seem afraid you might break apart completely if he speaks any louder.

Maybe he’s right. Maybe you’re already in pieces at his feet, shattered beyond repair, and he just hasn’t realized it yet.

He lets you cry when you don’t answer, hand stroking up and down your back, the other soothing over your head. He whispers into your hair, words you can’t even process, just the deep cadence of him, the low rasp of his voice against your temple.

His lips move to your forehead, brushing over it. His breath is warm against your skin. You don’t have it in you to pull away, but you wish you would.

Because none of this makes it any easier.

Because his hands feel too good, too steady, too right - and it’s a lie.

Because it’s him.

And that means it hurts.

You wish he would just go and let you have your pathetic heartbreak alone.

But Bucky Barnes has never been the kind of a guy to leave things unsolved.

He pulls back just slightly after a while, just enough to get a better look at you, and when you try to duck your head, to keep him from seeing too much, he doesn’t let you.

Strong, warm fingers cradle your face, thumbs brushing over the damp skin of your cheeks, tilting your head up and forcing your gaze to his.

He looks wrecked.

His brows are drawn, lips parted, chest rising and falling unevenly. His hands tremble just a little against your skin, but his grip stays firm. Solid.

“Don’t look away, doll. Eyes on me, yeah?”

You swallow hard, jaw tight. “You just ruined your good night,” you say, the words falling out bitter, self-deprecating, stiff with something that tastes like resentment but feels like heartbreak.

Bucky’s frown deepens, his lips pressing together, eyes scanning over your face like he’s searching for something, anything that’ll make this make sense.

“The hell I did,” he scoffs, shaking his head. Confused you even brought this up. “I don’t give a shit about her. Don’t even know her name, if I’m bein’ honest.” He lets out a huffed laugh.

But you don’t.

Because somehow this makes it worse.

And you hate it.

You hate that some part of you wanted her to mean something.

Because if she meant something, if she was special, then at least this ache in your chest would have a name. A reason. A shape you could hold in trembling hands and squeeze so hard that it stops hurting at one point.

Then, at least, you could maybe finally accept that there is no hope. No reason to hold on to those feelings.

But Bucky just shrugs.

It meant nothing. It never meant anything. Not with them.

Not with the girls that come and go, the ones who pass through his nights in the same easy way the hours do - fleeting, ephemeral, touched, and forgotten.

Not with anyone. Not even with you.

You have spent so long feeling this, holding onto it, trying to keep it hidden beneath layers of friendship and longing and careful restraint. You have spent so long pretending that it is fine, that it doesn’t matter, that you can live like this - on the sidelines, just the girl in the other room, in the shadows, in the spaces between what you want and what you’re allowed to have.

And he stands here and looks you in the eyes, telling you that it is nothing. That she is nothing. That they - all of them before her, and all of them after her - are nothing.

You can barely breathe past it.

You don’t say anything.

And Bucky freezes.

His hands, where they cup your face, stop their soft, absentminded strokes. His thumbs, which had been tracing reassuring circles along your cheekbones halt. His breath catches and his eyes shift.

There is something uncertain in there.

And then, his lips part. His brows go up ever so slightly. His pupils flare.

Something settles over his expression that you don’t recognize.

Like a switch has been flipped.

Like a puzzle piece has clicked into place.

Like suddenly he is seeing something in your eyes, something like an answer, something that has been there all along.

His fingers tighten, anchoring himself. Making it seem that if he lets go, if he moves even a fraction, something will break. In him, or you, you’re not sure.

He pulls back. Not far. Just an inch. But he needs to see you better. Just enough to search your face for something he needs to know. His gaze locks onto yours and holds you there, testing something, making sure.

His voice is hushed when he talks. Breathless.

“Is that what this is about?”

It’s quiet, the way he says it. Like he’s afraid of it. Like he’s careful with it. There is disbelief on his face. Astonishment.

You shake your head too fast, too sharp, like if you deny it hard enough, it’ll erase the way he’s looking at you right now. That it’ll undo the meaning of his words and the way they sit between you. Something fragile on the verge of breaking.

“No,” you say, but it barely comes out, barely sounds convincing. Your voice is hoarse, scraped raw form holding back everything you don’t want to say. Your lungs refuse to work in sync with the rest of you. You swallow, eyes darting away, grasping for something to latch onto.

But Bucky doesn’t let you.

“Doll…” It comes like a sigh. Weightless and soft. His hands don’t drop from your face, don’t loosen, don’t give you the space you’re so desperately trying to carve out between you. If anything, his grip grows more robust. Just enough to keep you there.

“Hey. Look at me.” His tone is low, carrying the kind of warmth you’d usually like to lean into, but now all you want is to get away from it. You don’t want to meet those stormy blues.

Bucky’s thumbs are sweeping, so feather-light, over the curve of your jaw, smoothing along the damp trail of your tears, and his voice dips even lower. Softer. He is so close.

“C’mon, sweetheart. Give me somethin’ here.”

It’s not fair that he gets to call you all those sweet names like he means them. Like you mean something. Like it’s not the same word he probably called her and all those others who got to have him, even if only for a night.

“I don’t-” you try, but your voice is trembling and thick with tears, and Bucky’s gaze shadows.

“Don’t what?” he coaxes, leaning in just a little, close enough that his breath skims your skin, warm and stable in a way you aren’t. His fingers slightly move against your cheeks, as if resisting the urge to pull you closer.

You shake your head again, your hands wrapping around his wrists - not to push him away exactly, but to have something to hold onto. You have no idea what to say.

“It’s- It’s not-” Your words trip over themselves, stuck somewhere between your throat and your ribs, tangled up in everything you’ve never let yourself say.

But Bucky just watches you, unreadable things swirling in those impossibly blue eyes. Wary things. Still so damn careful.

He exhales and his hands slide down, skimming the column of your throat, settling against the curve of your neck like he’s grounding you. Holding you both together.

“Doll,” he sighs, and it’s too much.

It’s not teasing. It’s not playful. It’s not easy. Not the charming lilt he likes to throw in his tone.

It’s vulnerable. Tender. Substantial.

“You’re breakin’ my heart here.”

And that’s what has another tear slip over your lashes.

Because you’re breaking his heart?

What does that even mean?

You were the one trying to escape the heartache he caused and now he tells you it’s his heart that hurts?

“Please,” he whispers, and his voice is wrecked, gravel thick in his throat. “Just tell me, doll. Tell me what I did. Tell me so I can fix it.”

His lips stay parted, trying to find air, trying to find some kind of solid ground. There is a sheen over his eyes.

“I can’t-” Your voice cracks, but you don’t look away this time. His hands won’t let you. He won’t let you.

His eyes are pleading.

“Can’t what, sweetheart?” he urges, dipping closer, voice just a rasp of sound between you. His thumbs wipe away the new tears and he winces while doing it as if it actually causes him pain that they fell.

The streetlight flickers above. It casts shadows across his face, highlighting the sharp line of his jaw, the tight pull of his mouth. His fingers flex against your face.

“Is it-” he starts, then stops, then starts again, throat bobbing and voice rough and hesitant. “Is it those girls?”

A shallow gasp slips from your lips. Fractured and tripping over something unseen. Your shoulders grow stiff.

You can’t answer. You only shake your head, not in denial, not in confirmation, but in something else, something tired and so fucking done with feeling like this.

You try to pull back, try to slip free from the heat of his palms, try to turn away. Another tear drops onto the back of his hand.

Your reaction must be answer enough.

Bucky’s head, Bucky’s hands, Bucky’s eyes, Bucky’s whole body - everything is moving so much, keeping you from slipping away, reaching for you, not letting you go.

A breath. A pause. Like his brain needs an extra moment to process what this all could mean. His breath catches in his throat and you can feel the exact moment he gets it.

The exact moment he realizes.

“Shit,” he breathes, so quiet you almost miss it. His grip tightens. It grows distressed. Despairing. Keeping you from leaving his hold, although you don’t stop trying.

You sob and his hands press into your cheeks, thumbs smoothing away tears like he can erase this, like maybe if he holds you tight enough, he can go back five minutes, five months, five years, to a time before he made you feel like this.

“Shit, doll, I-” His voice breaks, gravel and regret and anguish - and something so painful - landing with every syllable.

You don’t stop trying to pull back, trying to push him away. You can’t talk. You can’t stop crying. You can’t look at him.

But Bucky is devastated. And he is desperate. And he won’t let you go.

“No, no, don’t - please, Y/n, don’t.” He runs through his words, frantically getting them out, frantically trying to make you look at him.

He reaches your face again and holds on like it’s important. Your tears won’t stop falling. A whimper falls from your lips when you realize he won’t let you leave.

Bucky panics.

His swallow seems to hurt him. Everything he does seems to hurt him.

“Oh, sweetheart - fuck, fuck, I didn’t-” He lets out a rough breath, one of his hands letting go of you to scrub over his face, pushing through his hair in frustration.

Not at you.

At himself.

“Doll, I didn’t - Jesus Christ, I didn’t know.”

It comes out hoarse, scraped down to nothing but feeling. Each word drags from his throat like sandpaper against silence. Coarse and raspy.

And then he’s shaking his head, hands sliding to your shoulders, his hold firm, his eyes darting over your face like he is trying to memorize it, searching for the right words in the curve of your lips, the glisten of your tears, the way your breathing is a single shuddering mess.

“I didn’t - fuck, I didn’t mean-”

He seems to hold back a scream.

Sucking in another sharp breath, he squeezes his eyes shut like he’s in pain, angry at himself, wanting to go back and rewrite everything, tear out every page where he made you feel like you were anything but his.

You wish you could believe it.

“Bucky-” you croak out.

“No, don’t-” His head doesn’t stop shaking. His jaw is clenched tight. Hands shaking against you. “Don’t say my name like that.”

“Like what?” Your voice is whisper-thin.

His breath shudders out, and when his eyes meet yours again, they are so earnest. Glossy with a sheen of tears.

“Like it’s over.”

Your throat closes around your next breath, never making it reach your lungs.

Because what is he saying? Nothing ever had the chance to be anything.

“I didn’t know, doll,” he whispers, voice breaking. “I swear to God, I didn’t know. You gotta believe me, I - fuck, I never wanted to hurt you. Never wanted you to feel like- I didn’t think you’d-”

He cuts himself off, voice choking.

His hands drop suddenly, like he doesn’t even deserve to hold you anymore. Like the guilt is weighing them down.

And then, unsure and hesitantly, he lifts one of them again and pauses before cupping your face, waiting for something - permission, maybe, or just a sign that you won’t pull away this time.

When you don’t, when you just keep standing there, frozen and broken and bewildered, he lets his palm settle warm against your cheek, his thumb brushing so lightly it sends a shiver down your back.

“Tell me how to fix it. Tell me I can,” he pleads, like he means it. Like he would do anything. “Tell me what to do, baby. Anything. I’d do anything. Just gotta tell me. Please,” he chokes out.

Cars roll past you. There are voices in the distance. A neon sign flickers. But none of it touches this.

This thing between you.

Bucky’s hand shakes against your cheek. His breath stirs against your skin so ragged and he leans in. His forehead presses to yours, his body curling toward you like he doesn’t even realize he’s doing it, just needing to be close.

“I’m so sorry,” he gasps out. “God, I’m so fucking sorry.”

Never have you seen Bucky like this. He keeps things easy, keeps things light, and shrugs off pain like it never quite reaches him. But it does now.

It consumes him.

His fingers curl at the back of your neck, not pulling, just holding, grounding himself against you. And when you continue standing there, breath shaky, tears still trembling in your lashes, his whole body sags.

His chest heaves with a breath so deep it sounds like it’s costing him something.

“I never meant for this to happen. Please, believe me.”

His forehead presses harder to yours, seemingly trying to press his words straight into you, that maybe if he gets close enough you’ll feel how much he means them.

And you do. You just don’t know what the hell is going on.

He lets out a sound that resembles a sob. And then you feel the damp heat of a tear where his face brushes against yours.

Bucky is crying.

It breaks you. You don’t know what to do with all this pain. His and yours. Don’t know how to ever let it go.

You pull back. Just slightly. Just enough to breathe, to think, to process.

But Bucky’s whole body tenses, and his eyes squeeze shut as if he knew it was coming but it still pains him. Bracing himself for something he already knows is going to hurt. His hands drop to his sides.

And maybe that should give you some kind of satisfaction, a tiny sense of justice for the nights you spent lying awake, wondering if you meant anything to him while he had his hands on someone else.

But it doesn’t.

Because the way he is looking at you, when he cracks his eyes open again, when he meets your gaze with so much open ache, makes your chest hurt. It makes something inside of you quake.

“Bucky,” you start, but your own voice is so small, so lost. You shake your head, scanning his face, trying to piece it together, to make sense of something that refuses to fit. How the tables have turned. You just can’t seem to find the irony in it. “What are you even - I don’t - I don’t I understand.”

His throat bobs, thick and tight, and he pulls in a breath like it’s the last one he’s going to get.

“I love you.”

Your mind blanks. You flatline. Your knees go weak.

He says it like it’s the simplest thing to say. As if it is the most obvious thing in the world. But it isn’t.

Because if it was then why has he spent all those nights with those seemingly meaningless girls. Why has he let you ache for him while he touched someone else.

“I love you,” he says again, softer, trying to make sure you believe it.

But you don’t know how to.

Your lips part, but nothing comes out. You feel the words, heavy and warm and terrifying, but your body doesn’t know what to do with them. Your mind is screaming at you to run, to protect yourself, to build the walls back up before it’s too late, but your heart doesn’t listen.

Bucky’s hand trembles when it reaches for you, fingertips ghosting over your jaw, waiting, waiting, waiting for you to pull away.

You don’t and he steps closer again.

His whole body thrums as if he is scared to touch you but more scared not to. He looks at you with those red-rimmed and puffy eyes, so tremendously bare, holding onto your own eyes like he is drowning and you are the only thing keeping him afloat.

“Say something, doll,” he pleads, his voice so unsteady, that it guts you.

But what could you say?

Because love is not supposed to feel like this, to hurt like this. It isn’t supposed to feel like your heart has been split open and stitched back together all in the same breath.

But looking at him and at the way his eyes are just as pleading as his words, at the way he is breaking right in front of you - it makes you wonder if maybe it was hurting him all along, too.

“You-” you begin, voice barely more than a whisper. You have to stop, have to pull in a breath that doesn’t seem to want to settle, have to force your hands to stay at your sides instead of reaching for something - for him - that you don’t know if you can take. “But that-” Another inhale, sharp and broken. Your chest hurts. Your whole body hurts. “That doesn’t make any sense.”

Bucky exhales, long and slow and then he drops his head. Shoulders slumping, spine curling, like something inside of him, has just given out.

Guilt.

It sits heavy in his frame, in the set of his jaw, in the way his hands jerk like he wants to touch you but knows he shouldn’t.

“Yeah,” he mutters, a humorless little laugh escaping, barely more than a breath. He drags a hand down his face, through his hair, before letting it fall uselessly at his side. His voice is lower when he speaks again, raspier, weighed down by something that feels an awful lot like regret. “I know.”

You watch him, waiting. Because he owes you this. Because he cracked open something you weren’t ready for, something you tried to bury, and now you need to understand.

And Bucky must feel that. Because after a beat, after a deep, shuddering breath, he looks at you again.

“I didn’t think I could have you,” he admits, voice quiet. Cautious. The words fragile in his mouth. “Didn’t think I was allowed to even want you. To this extent, anyway.”

Air enters you unevenly, shaking on the way in like a shiver made of sound. “Bucky-”

“You’re my best friend,” he pushes on, stepping in just a fraction, like he can’t help himself. His voice is getting rougher, rawer, like something in him is unwinding too fast for him to stop it. “I didn’t wanna mess that up, y’know? Didn’t wanna lose you over somethin’ I couldn’t control.”

Something tightens in your chest. Something shifts.

“So you-” you swallow, shaking your head, trying to put it together, trying to make sense of it. “So you just went around to go get yourself other girls you can fuck?”

Bucky flinches. Actually flinches.

Gaze dropping in shame, his features form a grimace. “I tried,” he croaks out, gesturing at his chest with one hand. “Tried to stop feeling like this. Tried to move on, tried to-” He exhales sharply, tilting his head side to side, something torn playing out with the movement. “It didn’t work. Nothin’ worked. Didn’t even make it easier. But I was afraid to face it. Really face it. So I just kept going.”

It hurts.

It hurts in a way you don’t know how to hold. Don’t know how to carry.

You thought, for so long, that the way you love him, ache for him, is a one-sided agony.

But he is confessing to you, eyes red and weary, voice splintering, telling you that he’s been afraid to speak it aloud too.

That he loves you, that he tried to kill it, that he thought losing himself in someone else would somehow erase you from his mind.

Bucky’s words are a fist curling around your ribs, squeezing the air from your lungs.

It should matter. It should mean something that he’s standing in front of you, breaking apart, pleading for you to understand. Shouldn’t it be enough that he’s telling you it was always you? That no one else ever came close?

But he still touched them.

Still chose them, even if only for a meaningless night.

While you sat in your room, staring at the ceiling, wondering if you were going insane. While you clenched your fists so tight beneath your sheets at night, biting your tongue, swallowing it down, because Bucky is your friend and friends don’t ache like this.

And yet, he is telling you, showing you, he aches too.

But instead of sitting with it, instead of letting it consume him the way it consumed you, he tried to make it disappear.

He tried to fuck it away.

And now he looks at you like you are the only thing that has ever mattered, like the ground beneath his feet, is unsteady, like he is afraid you are going to bolt at any second.

You feel like the ground beneath your feet shits a fraction of an inch, not enough to send you falling, but enough to make you question if you were ever standing solid in the first place.

“But, doll, it-” he rushes forward, watching your pain, stepping into your space until there is barely anything between you. “It never meant anything. Swear to god, none of ‘em ever meant something to me.” His hands wrap around yours, squeezing, grounding, begging. “They weren’t you. Couldn’t be you. Didn’t matter how hard I tried, how many times I told myself to stop thinking about you because you’re supposed to be my best friend, but I wanted so much more than that - it didn’t matter. Nothin’ worked.”

He is struggling to force the words out, but he does. And they leave him with a catch in his voice. Faltering.

“I thought about you, sweetheart. Every fuckin’ time.” His voice turns frantic and he leans in to make it convince you. He watches your lips tremble and shakes his head quickly. “Thought about how you’d feel. How you’d sound.”

Your breath stalls.

Bucky swallows, taking a quick pause but continuing, voice growing softer. Lower. Reverent. “Tried to picture you instead. How you’d look under me, wrapped around me. So goddamn beautiful.” His voice cracks. “But it wasn’t you. And I know it was wrong, but I couldn’t help it.”

He stumbles over his words, afraid of saying too much, of pushing too far, or admitting too much - but it doesn’t stop hurting.

Even if you know it might not be fair.

But the thought of him with them, the thought of his hands gripping someone else’s skin, his lips murmuring something soft against someone else’s throat - it makes you sick.

And he sees it.

You try to blink back another wave of tears.

His hands are on your face again, thumbs swiping furiously at your damp cheeks like he can rub the hurt away.

“Please tell me I didn’t ruin this.” His voice cracks through the words, the panic breaking through. Your silence seems to suffocate him, squeezing his ribs until there is no space left for air.

“I’m so sorry, baby! I wish I could take it all back. I would.” His bottom lip trembles and he bites down on it before continuing. “Tell me I can fix this. There’s gotta be somethin’ I can do. Anything.”

You blink rapidly, vision swimming, breath hiccuping in your throat. You don’t know if there is anything to fix, if there was ever anything there, to begin with, but he is looking at you like there was. Like there is. Like it is still hanging in the air between you, waiting to be caught, waiting to be named.

And you want to catch it. To press it to your heart and cherish it.

But the wounds are fresh. Still bleeding. Still open.

The images you conjured up in your mind, him with all those girls. The sounds of him bringing one after the other home - the routine.

The giggling. The keys. The apartment door. More giggling. His chuckles. The hallway. His bedroom door. The goodbyes. The mornings.

But worst of all is that you can’t even blame him.

Because what was he supposed to do? Wait for something that was never promised? Hold out hope for something that was never offered?

You had no claim on him.

But still, you hate how he tried to fuck you out of his system. Hate that he couldn’t, that he’s standing here now, telling you it was all for nothing, that you were always in his head, in his bones, and that that somehow is supposed to make it better.

You don’t know if it does now. But you hope - you hope so dearly - that it will get better. If he’ll stick with you.

“No more girls.” The words choke out of you, weak and broken, barely a breath. But he jolts like you have screamed them.

“Never,” he breathes immediately, shaking his head as if to get rid of his own images, gripping you tighter, his thumbs pressing into your cheeks, his eyes burning through yours. “No more, baby. No one else. Not ever.”

Your breath catches, body sways.

There is a burn behind your ribs, not quite pain, but not far from it. It is something that pulses in time with your heartbeat. Too quick. Too uneven.

“Only you,” he adds, his forehead dropping to yours, noses brushing, his breath warm against your lips, his hands trembling where they hold you. “It’s only ever been you.”

Heat rises up your throat, something between nausea and electricity, a burst of too much all at once.

“I got a lot to make up for.” His tone is unraveling at the seams. But it sounds firmer now. Convicted. “I know that. I know I- fuck, I screwed this up before I even knew I had a chance. And that’s on me.”

You squeeze your eyes shut, because it’s too much - his voice, his touch, the way he is looking at you like you hung the damn moon when you’ve spent years feeling invisible to him in the way that mattered.

“I don’t wanna rush this, alright?”

You blink up at him. Your chest feels stretched too tight, as if the ribs themselves are holding onto something they shouldn’t, something too large, something too consuming.

“I don’t wanna mess this up more than I already have. I don’t wanna push or expect anythin’ from you - I just wanna do this right. For you.” His voice wavers on the last word, still scared of saying the wrong thing, scared of losing something he only just realized he had. “You understand me?”

You nod wordlessly. Almost feeling hypnotized by him. His eyes are so intense. So full.

“I’ve been waitin’ for this, hopin’ for this - Christ, I don’t even know how long.”

Your stomach flips, something curling in your stomach at the heaviness of his confession, at the realization that you weren’t alone in this. Maybe never have been.

“And now that it’s happenin’ - now that I have you, even if I don’t deserve it - I wanna take my time. I wanna make this good for you. Have to. I have to make this right,” he says, voice filled with something gravelly, rough like something barely holding together.

His fingers slide over your jaw, tracing along the column of your throat, memorizing the feel of you beneath his hands.

“And I hate-” his voice falters, eyes squeezing shut for a moment before he forces himself to look at you again. “I hate that it’s happening like this. That I hurt you first. That I didn’t see this sooner.”

“Bucky-”

He cuts you off with his eyes and a shake of his head.

“Please I- I gotta do this. Gotta say this, baby.”

You nod.

He closes his eyes again for a moment like he wants to go back and shake his past self by the shoulders, tell him to wake the hell up and stop hurting the one girl he ever cared about.

He continues, voice hoarse. “I would do anything to make this different. Better. The way you deserve.”

Your breath is shallow, not quite catching, but hovering just short of where it should be, as if your body can’t decide whether to brace itself for collapse.

You’ve spent so long breaking for him, wanting him in ways he never seemed to want you back. But now he is pouring his heart out and asking for something he already has but isn’t sure he is worthy of.

“You don’t gotta say anythin’ right now, doll,” Bucky whispers. Afraid of scaring you off. “I know I shoulda told you sooner.” He grimaces, disgusted with himself. “I shoulda known sooner. I was so fuckin’ stupid. So fuckin’ blind.”

You don’t even notice you started leaning further into him.

Bucky stares at you for a moment. You look back.

“I don’t deserve you,” he says quietly. Whispers really. He exhales shakily and you feel the breath fan along your cheeks. “But I swear to God, I will.”

You don’t weigh the hurt against the want, don’t let the war in your head talk you out of your next move.

Your hands reach up, curling into the fabric of his shirt and before he can say anything else - before he can tear himself apart further - you kiss him.

And for a split second, Bucky freezes.

Not believing this is happening, not expecting it even after everything he just told you.

But then, he exhales this soft and quivering breath against your lips, relief knocking the air out of his lungs.

One hand flies to your waist, pulling you in, the other threading into your hair. He kisses you back like he is starving, like he has been dying for this, like he can’t believe you are real and this moment is something he’s imagined a thousand times but never thought he’d get to have.

And he is so warm. So solid. His lips move against yours, soft and slow at first - savoring you, afraid to go too fast, to push too much. But when you let out a little sigh and your fingers tighten, Bucky melts, pressing in closer, enveloping you in his arms in a way that has you feeling he tries to make sure you never go anywhere else again.

He breathes you in like you are something holy, tilting your head and deepening the kiss. He is not forceful. He takes what he can get and he cherishes it. Like he said, he wants to take his time with you. It makes you fall in love with him even more.

It’s like he can’t believe you are even letting him have this. But he kisses you with a hope and a determination that this will not be the only time he gets to have this.

And when you pull back again, he rests his forehead against yours once more. You feel the way his chest rises and falls against your own, the way his breath shakes, the way his grip does not loosen at all.

“Jesus, doll,” he rasps, panting. “You tryna kill me?”

And the way he says it, the way he looks at you, so full of longing and desire and relief makes you realize that maybe he’s been suffering just as much as you have.

“I want you. It’s as simple as that. I’ve spent a great deal too much of my life already trying to convince myself that I can make do with less but I can’t. You hear me? I’m done. I’m not giving up. A life without you is not enough.”

- Beau Taplin

[jungwnies]

roommate from hell - oscar piastri (1/5)

୨ৎ : pairing : oscar piastri x gn!reader ୨ৎ : synopsis : forced into an accidental roommate situation, oscar and you struggle with clashing habits, sarcastic banter, and unexpected tension…until frustration turns into something much deeper.

୨ৎ : genre : romantic comedy & light angst (barely...) ୨ৎ : tws : forced proximity, mild conflict, emotional tension, and mutual pining. ୨ৎ : wc : 1140

part one | part two | part three | part four | part five

The apartment listing had sounded too good to be true.

"A modern two-bedroom in a great neighborhood! Affordable rent! Recently renovated!"

You had jumped on it. Places like this didn’t stay on the market long, and after what felt like a lifetime of apartment hunting, you were ready to sign a lease and never look at another rental website again.

So, you scheduled a tour, packed a mental list of negotiating tactics, and prayed to whatever higher power existed that this would finally be the one.

Across the city, Oscar Piastri was doing the exact same thing.

Unlike you, he hadn’t even bothered looking at multiple listings. He had sent his assistant a simple message: Find me an apartment. Quiet, good location, no crazy landlords. He wasn’t picky, he just needed a place to live between races. Simple.

At least, that’s what he thought.

One Hour Later – At the Apartment

The moment you walked into the leasing office, you knew something was off.

For one, the landlord, a middle-aged man named Greg who looked permanently stressed, was nervously shuffling through papers like he had forgotten how to read.

For two, there was already another person standing there, signing a stack of documents like he had just secured the place.

You blinked. “Uh, what is happening?”

Greg looked up, his face immediately twisting into an expression that screamed oh no.

The guy next to you, a very casually dressed guy in a McLaren hoodie and cap, barely glanced up. “I’m signing my lease,” he said simply, like this was his apartment and you were the intruder.

You frowned. “No, I’m signing my lease.”

Greg audibly gulped.

McLaren Hoodie Guy finally looked at you properly, his eyebrows pulling together. “That can’t be right.”

You turned to Greg, arms crossed. “Okay, Greg, what’s going on?”

Greg inhaled sharply through his nose. “So, funny story..."

You knew it was not going to be a funny story.

“...there was a bit of a mix-up, and it looks like I… um… may have accidentally leased the same apartment to both of you?”

Silence.

You blinked. "What?"

McLaren Guy squinted at Greg. “You may have?”

Greg winced. “Okay, did. I did lease it to both of you. But in my defense, I didn’t realize it until just now, and I already spent your security deposits, so I really can’t refund you until next month.”

Your jaw dropped. “You already spent...!?!? Are you kidding me?”

McLaren Guy let out a long breath, pinching the bridge of his nose. “So what are you saying? That neither of us can live here?”

Greg let out a nervous chuckle. “Well… I could cancel the lease for one of you, but…” He glanced between you two. “Do either of you have another place lined up?”

You exhaled, crossing your arms. “No.”

McLaren Guy sighed. “No.”

Greg’s face paled. “Right.” He rubbed his hands together, clearly dying inside. “So, um… what if you two just… shared it?”

You and McLaren Guy turned to each other at the exact same time, both shaking your heads.

"Absolutely not."

"Not happening."

Greg held up his hands. “Okay, okay! Just hear me out.”

You shot him a look. “You literally just admitted to scamming us.”

“I didn’t scam you—"

McLaren Guy scoffed. “You spent our deposits.”

“Okay, I accidentally scammed you.” Greg sighed, running a hand over his face. “Look, I’ll cut the rent in half if you both agree to stay. Just for the first few months, until I can sort this out.”

You turned back to McLaren Guy, fully expecting him to shut it down. Instead, he looked like he was considering it.

You frowned. “You cannot be thinking about this.”

He shrugged. “Do you have another option?”

“…No, but that doesn’t mean I want to live with some random—" You gestured at him vaguely. “—McLaren fanboy.”

McLaren Guy’s eyebrows shot up. “Fanboy?”

“Well, yeah,” you said, motioning to his hoodie and cap. “You’re decked out in McLaren gear. You look like you’re about to go meet Lando Norris.”

Greg made a strangled noise.

McLaren Guy just stared at you, something unreadable flickering across his face. His mouth opened for a second, then closed.

Then he exhaled, shaking his head. “You know what? Fine. Let’s do it.”

Your stomach dropped. “Wait—what?”

He grabbed the lease papers, signing his name at the bottom with zero hesitation. “I don’t have time to find a new place, and I’m not about to couch-surf across Australia.”

You turned to Greg. “You cannot expect me to live with a stranger.”

Greg gave you a deeply exhausted look. “I expected to lease this apartment to one person. Life is full of disappointments.”

McLaren Guy grinned. “You’re lucky I’m an excellent roommate.”

You let out a humorless laugh. “I highly doubt that.”

Two Days Later – Moving In

You were right.

Oscar Piastri was not an excellent roommate.

The first issue became apparent when you opened the fridge and found nothing inside except for a can of Monster Energy, a half-empty bottle of water, and two whole heads of lettuce.

You turned to him, arms crossed. "Do you… not eat real food?"

Oscar barely looked up from setting up his PlayStation. "I eat at the McLaren hospitality tent most of the time."

You squinted. "McLaren hospitality—" You let out an exasperated sigh. "Oh my god, you’re a team employee, aren’t you?"

Oscar blinked at you. "Huh?"

"You work for McLaren," you said, pointing at his hoodie, the McLaren duffel bag by the door, the literal McLaren keychain hanging off his keys. "That’s why you’re obsessed with the team."

Oscar stared at you for a long moment. Then, very carefully, he said, "Yes. That’s exactly it."

"Called it," you muttered, going back to unpacking.

Oscar smirked to himself but said nothing.

The second issue? He was too quiet.

You were used to some kind of background noise. Either it was music, TV, literally anything, but Oscar? He just moved around the apartment in silence, which somehow made you more on edge.

Then, later that night, you really reached your breaking point.

You had been winding down, wrapped in a blanket on the couch, scrolling through your phone when you suddenly heard a deep sigh behind you.

You turned your head slightly, only to see Oscar staring at you from the other side of the couch, arms crossed, looking very unimpressed.

You blinked. "What?"

Oscar sighed again, slower this time, louder. "You chew really loud."

Your jaw dropped. "Excuse me?"

"You’re, like, aggressively loud."

Your eyes narrowed. "I will throw this popcorn at you."

Oscar smirked. "You wouldn’t dare."

Without hesitation, you grabbed a handful of popcorn and launched it at him.

Oscar gasped, dodging the attack. "Greg was right! This was a terrible idea!"

You grinned, grabbing another handful. "Welcome to hell, roomie."

taglist : comment to be added

© 2024 jungwnies | All rights reserved. Do not repost, plagiarize, or translate.

[skellseerwriting]

5 Times Iida Thinks You’re a Boy and 1 Time He Finally Realizes

Oblivious!Iida x Fem!Androgynous!Reader

Part 4: Date

Part 3

Word Count: 800+

Content & Warnings: rejection, slight angst (there’ll be a happy ending but not in this chapter), Iida and reader both make presumptions about each other

Summary: You’re at the library with Mina, and she convinces you to do something

“I’m telling you, that’s what he said!” Mina squealed, jumping up and down behind you with her hands on your shoulders. Sighing for more than one reason, you shushed her to keep her voice down as you continued to browse the library shelf.

“That doesn’t mean he’d want to go on a date with me.” You said, a little disgruntled. With Mina as your best friend, peace and quiet was a luxury you couldn’t afford. You wouldn’t have it any other way though, of course.

“Yeah but he said he likes intelligent girls who hold respect for rules and authority. That’s basically you in a nutshell!”

Hissing out another “shh!” Before the librarian could chase you down, you randomly pulled a book out and went to a nearby table. Sitting down, you opened the novel right up against your nose and did your best to ignore her. In truth, the words sparked a bit of hope within your chest, but the fear of it all crashing down scared you more than anything else.

“Come on.” She whispered to your left, sticking her nose between the edge of your book and your face. “There’s a good chance he might say ‘yes’.”

You slammed the book closed. Mina jumped back to avoid her face getting clipped. “Or he might say ‘no’.” You divulged to her your fear. It slipped through the syllables and conveyed exactly what you didn’t want to risk happening.

Placing a friendly hand down on your arm, she smiled warmly at you. Like always, she emitted guidance and trust. “And would that really be so bad?” She asked you in a heartfelt manner. It made you think.

Dipping your head, you let out a weak “no”.

“Great.” Her voice sounded solid. “Because now’s your chance.”

“What?” You shot your head back up, but it was too late. Mina had already zoomed out of her seat and away from your sight. Immediately, you understood what she meant. To your right, where you had just been before, browsing the same shelf on the same row, was Iida.

Sweat dotted your brow, and before you knew it, you stood up to make your way over to him.

“Oh, hey Iida.” You greeted, moving to slot your book back into its spot (which just so happened to conveniently be a foot away from him).

“Good afternoon.” He responded, smiling upon seeing you. The brief nervousness you had felt a moment ago seeped out of your body. Mina’s words coursed through you. She was right.

You could do this.

“Are you looking for something to read in your spare time?” You asked coolly. It would be easier to build up to talking with him about a shared interest. You liked books, he liked books, what’s not to like?

You, apparently. Or at least, that’s what you feared.

“Yes.” He confirmed. “I’m trying to find a piece of classic literature, but the author’s name appears to be evading me on this shelf.”

Following along with his finger as it reached where you were standing, you took a step back and pulled out the book you had just put back in. “It wouldn’t happen to be this one would it?”

His face lit up. “Marvelous!” He exclaimed. “I had no idea you were also into classic novels of this manner.”

You sheepishly rubbed the back of your head. Yes, you had randomly taken it out of the shelf, however, you had already read that book before. Multiple times, in fact.

“Yeah,” you told him. “It’s among my favorites.”

Iida leaned farther into your space. “If you like this one, perhaps you’ll enjoy some similar classic literature I have in my own personal collection of books.”

“I’d love that.” You gushed, then, saw the conversational opportunity and took it. “I would also love it,” you tried not to hesitate and just get the words out. “If we could go out on a date.”

You held your breath.

Iida’s mouth stayed partially open for several seconds. Then, he cleared his throat and straightened his posture. His eyes evaded yours and his cheeks turned pink. Despite his best effort to be vocally clear, he stuttered out his response. “I- I don’t-“ he vaguely gestured to all of you. “I’m not really into…”

Your eyes widened, quickly catching onto what he was saying. “Oh, I’m sorry for assuming. My bad.”

“No no,” he shook his head, still not looking at you. “It’s okay.”

“It’s alright.” You reiterated.

“Yeah.”

“Okay.”

Now you were both standing there awkwardly. Another beat passed.

“Well.” You clicked your tongue. “I gotta go…”

“Right!” He said, arms stiff at his sides. “I shall see you in class.”

You did your best not to look at him forlornly as you quickly passed by. While attempting to exit the library, Mina intercepted you.

“What happened?” She asked gently, noticing the way you looked upset.

“I don’t want to talk about it.” You said in hushed tones. She let you slip by her and through the door. You wanted to tell her the truth, but you couldn’t do that to Iida. If she asked again, you would just say that he rejected you. And that was true, right? Regardless of the reason.

He had rejected you.

Tagist: Tenya Iida

@electronicexpertshark @ragdol-666

[scriptstructure]

!! NSFW WARNING !! Hey, I totally understand if you don't want to answer this I've been trying to write smut. Specifically, an orgy with ~15 characters with ~7 of them having more focus. Things are happening at the same time and partners/groups are changed all the time and not together i.e. a single person finishes and just joins somewhere else. I don't know how/when to start switching who/which group to write about or even backtrack to a different group. It's rather jumbled up now.

I think the most important thing to remember when it comes to writing sex scenes, is:

Sex scenes are action sequences

We are developing a series of acts between a number of characters, and we hope to do a number of things:

There is an arc of action, beginning at the beginning point, moving though the action, and a crescendo & denoument

Who did what -/With whom -/and where

Give a sense of mood, theme, and continuity with the rest of the story (or, jarring discontinuity, if that's what you're using it for)

and so on, as with any other action scene

So, as we do with any kind of action sequence, we need to figure out the order of events, the way that we want to feel about those events*, and the time we're going to take to show all of this.

First up, you probably want to think about how central this scene is to your story. Is it a major incident, or a minor incident? ie, do we want to spend a lot of page space and detail on it, or is it something that just needs to be glossed over in a few paragraphs, just so we know that it happened?

This is going to change depending on what you're trying to do with the sex scene, and what your story is about.

Second up, the 'blocking' or figuring out the choreography of the scene. Who is where, what are they doing, and with whom. You can probably figure out a skeleton outline, just so that you can be sure that characters have time to participate in each scenario that you're including them in. (This is also a good time to think about the pace and rhythm of the scene--are there going to be snack breaks, lulls in the action, time for characters to catch their breath, etc)

If you're having trouble thinking of how to shift focus between different groupings, think about when and why the characters decide to move on from what they're doing to join someone else. Or about how what each group is doing might change the vibe of the scene.

Then, we'll think about mood. The mood can shift throughout the scene, eg frantic/ high energy->slow/ romantic->lazy/sated, or nervous->focussed->confident, whatever the emotional beats and journeys that you want to show.

Mood is also something which is going to lend a great deal to the scene in terms of communicating what it is for** in the story. Is this scene a way of showing the group dynamic, or of exploring individual character's psychology, or illustrating a cultural norm, or of celebrating a victory, or any other thing that it could be about. These characters are having sex, why are they doing that, and what does it mean in the context of the narrative.

So now we know that we need to have an understanding of what the purpose of this scene is in the overall narrative, what exactly happens and in what order, what sort of mood we're trying to evoke with this scene, and what other things we might be learning about character/ place/ culture through this scene.

Next, what about some examples of books that use sex scenes with more or less complex staging to develop various plots and themes:

In the Court of the Nameless Queen by Natalie Ironsides->exploration of gender and identity, with both orgy scenes and couple scenes

Exquisite Corpse by Poppy Z Brite/ Billy Martin->this is a horror novel featuring two serial killers falling in love, look up some content warnings if that sounds like it isn't for you

Leash by Jane Delynn-> a classic of lesbian weirdo-erotica, about societal alienation and BDSM

Some posts about plotting and POV that might be useful:

Multiple plots with different character groups [HERE] Multiple plots that converge at the end [HERE] Multiple plots and subplots [HERE] Multiple POV characters and narrative shape [HERE] Third person POV and focalisation 'depth' [HERE] First person POV strengths and limitations [HERE]

I hope that's helpful! If there's anything that needs clarifying, please don't hesitate to ask again!

-Mason

*note: you might think that I'd say that we're assuming that people should read the sex scene to get horny about it, but that is just one option of many, and while it has its place, there are far more things that you can do with a sex scene

**note: I also do want to be clear that there's nothing wrong with writing sex scenes explicitly for the horny factor. That, traditionally, is one of the major reasons to include sex scenes in a story. But I do think that more narrative weight makes a sex scene more memorable and interesting.

[wakebymoonsleepbysun]

My breakdown of the Doey timeline, cuz whynot

Combination of my own theories/conjecture and what's actually in the game.

We see Jack getting a Doey toy for Christmas of 92, as well as a trip to the factory. The trip to the factory happens in Jan of 93 and of course Jack falls in.

This makes Jack an unplanned experiment. My theory--since he wasn't trained/prepped in the Game Station or Playcare, and the scientists had to kinda scramble to get anything salvageable of him, that left proto-Doey in a pretty bad/unstable state.

The fact that he had a Doey toy that he already loved so much could be what saved him. Kids are shown to have "assigned toys" at the Game Station, which makes me think a bond with the character/toy is necessary for the kids to adapt to their new bodies, and maybe even make the child take on personality traits of the toy's character.

1322 was too unstable to survive on his own. So another child was selected--Kevin. It seems the scientists hoped Kevin's physical strength would balance out Jack's lack of physical training before the process, and Jack's good temper would balance out Kevin's (perceived) bad one. (I think there's more to Kevin than just "angry child angry and violent at everything". I think he was abused and probably neurodivergent, maybe autistic. Probably on the cusp of a very rough puberty as well. But as a 90s "problem child" myself, I'm not surprised he was just dismissed as a bad kid with no hope. Heartbroken, yes. Surprised? No.)

Sidenote here--I do wonder if they'd gotten the idea of using multiple subjects in the same experiment from the Prototype. Not sure if that would have been something the Prototype would have been doing yet at this point. But I do think it's interesting to call out that the Prototype is not the only experiment made from multiple sources. (I think Poppy may also be such a one but that's some wild conjecture on my part and a post for another day.)

We know Kevin is second because he's described as 1322B. However I think the incident with Jack's parents happened before Matthew was added.

Jack's parents get invited to see Doey. Now, who wrote that letter and why? I'm not completely sure on the details, but I think the main reason it got APPROVED was for the sake of conducting a test. I think it's POSSIBLE someone like Stella may have been making a genuine attempt to do good, but that wouldn't've been reason enough on its own to make this happen.

So Jack's parents rock up to Playtime so the scientists can see how 1322 will react. We've all heard the tape so we know the jist of it, but here's what I think happened internally with Doey. Jack and Kevin's personalities and memories were still muddled. Kevin saw Jack's mom, recognized her as "mom", not realizing she is NOT actually HIS mother. I believe his parents had been abusive, so what Kevin THOUGHT he was doing was fighting back at his own abusers, not some other kid's kind parents. Between that and being in a body he could barely control with a strength he can barely comprehend...Well. Again. We all heard the tape.

So, time to stabilize. Enter Matthew. Responsible, kind, and older. Perfect to wrangle the two younger boys into a fully functioning experiment, ready to be useful to Playtime co. (I kinda gagged typing that. Playtime Co is bastards.)

And y'know? I'd say it mostly worked. From his monologues in the prison, it sounds like Doey wasn't always the most cooperative. He had a bit of a mischievous streak. But I get the impression he didn't lash out or attack until Safe Haven was destroyed. And who wouldn't be broken by that?

[wheredostarsgowhenyoudie]

OMG. You get it, and I love you for it!

Tushan Jing really was the embodiment of a perfect jade. Handsome, smart, with multiple talents that excels above others, born as the legitimate heir of a powerful clan known for their wealth, trades and cunning, the undeniable and uncontestable pride of the descendants of the nine tailed fox. There could be no other perfect heir than him.

As a perfect jade, there'd be a line of women young and old wanting to love him because it would be oh so easy, they might even claim they already do before they even met him.

But then his own brother broke him in ways way worse than a monster would. Tushan Hou broke not just Jing's body. Tushan Hou ensured to destroy Jing by eviscerating his self esteem, his spirit until he became unrecognizable even to himself. Hou spent a lot of thought, time and effort to break everything that he envied in Jing to the point that it cannot be returned because Jing himself saw no reason to even try or hope for it.

Imagine being beaten and tortured, your powers clipped, and then when you're at your ugliest and most damaged, they throw you at the familiar street where all those who claimed to love and admire you just walk past you. No one helps because even if it's you, you do not look like your old perfect self. Did they even recognize you? Even if they did, would they help? Imagine giving up your hope on people. Imagine giving up on yourself. Imagine what it would take to realize and accept that you're alone in this world at your ugliest, most vulnerable and most abhorrent with no chance of getting help, not even from yourself because you can't. You don't even have the strength to help yourself. Not physically. Not emotionally. Not anything.

And then, and then...in that moment of brokenness and helplessness and self loathing, in that desperate moment when all others who had been in Jing's shoes would break, by sheer luck or a miracle or destiny, there came Wen Xiao Liu.

This untidy looking man who saw a beaten to death body who could only be a slave by the river banks, no doubt having been brought there by the waves. He saw Jing and left. But then he returned, and actually spent thought and time to think of a way that would sound convincing, an excuse to make himself purely selfish in offering help.

Wen Xiao Lou pretended to step on the bread that someone else had thrown at Jing. He made his food inedible, so of course he had to compensate somehow! Nevermind that Jing was in the state that ge could not even lift a finger to eat the bread. Never mind that Jing in that state, if only he has the energy, would be glad to eat even a rotting bread that has flies if only for the sake of having something to eat.

And the compensation for the stepped on bread? Wen Xiao Liu not only treated and healed him and saved his life. He gave Jing something else that is greater and more valuable than anything and everything that Jing had and could have had, had he remained the embodiment of the perfect jade.

Wen Xiao Liu, who just happened to truly be a girl, disguised by a power she had no control over. An actual real runaway princess whose true identity is Haoling Jiu Yao (better known as Xiao Yao), who just happens to be the most royal of all living royals what with her being the daughter of the King of Haoling and the Princess General Xiling Heng, which also makes Xiao Yao her granddaughter to the King of Xiyan. A direct descendant to powerful rulers of enemy kingdoms. Another person who could have been the embodiment of a perfect jade. Another person who could have been so easy to love but who also just happened to be broken by fate and had accepted that there was no returning to the way she had been.

A princess who believes she'd been abandoned and is hunted by rumours to the point that she had to run away and still continues to run from her real identity. A princess who had to live in the streets and hide, because all the scary monsters wanted to eat her for her powers. A girl who had been deceived and caged and tortured and prepared to be devoured by an evil fox, but who managed to escape and kill the fox who tormented her. A girl who had been so used to being so alone that she once forced a monkey to listen to her chatter till the monkey killed itself, wanting escape. A girl who had learned to embrace and accept solitude as her only constant, and yet who is desperate for companions that she, a deity, who despite knowing she would outlive them, still chose to live among and with the humans who, like her, no one else would accept. Humans, who, like her, also had no one else. She even made them a home.

This girl with her compassionate heart that she oh so tries to hide as a cold no-nonsense and uncaring wall, and yet the compassion peeks through. Because she could not not offer the help she had once been so desperate to have yet never received.

Xiao Yao, who may just as well, be the only one who would and could look at the broken jade that is Jing and think to herself..."Jing is not a jade, so there's no such thing as a dusty jade. Jing is like the bright moon. Though the moon waxes and wanes, it remains untainted by the darkness. Its radiance is always still there. So he does not need anyone's pity." 🩷

Imagine the love and acceptance. The kind that people would throw everything just to feel even for a short bit of moment in a lifetime. Imagine the kind of faith that allowed Jing to actually start to like and love himself again, not the perfect version, but the broken one. Imagine the strength it gave to see life as something wonderful again. Imagine finally having something to hope for again and even more, to look forward to again. Imagine being loved in the very definition of unconditionally.

This is at the heart of reasons why I fell in love with the author of Lost You Forever.

The way Lost You Forever says, 'the trauma never fully goes away, but we find happiness and live anyway.'

For me this is best exemplified in two physical manners:

Xiaoyao's (assumedly quite high) cultivation and power was severely damaged by the thirty years she spent being tortured by the fox. Over and over when I read people talking about the series, people wondered when she'd get her power back.

And I get it. It would have been an amazing moment to see her powers return, to see her bursting with what must have been so much strength as the daughter of two extremely famous warriors.

But instead of that, Xiaoyao makes do with what she has. She learns how to defend herself with archery. She makes poisons. She fights in her own ways. Even in this xianxia world, she can't regain what she lost, but she does her best to make up for it.

One thing I was worried about when hearing about Tushan Jing's death is that I thought he might come back unblemished by scars, totally able bodied again. Often in xianxia when someone comes back to life, they reappear somehow, cultivated from an object or just in a flurry of sparkles and flower petals. There's not usually a dead body, so the body isn't revived; the spirit is. And this isn't a criticism of that trope.

I was just concerned that if applied to Tushan Jing, it would be done in a way that made him 'whole' again. Because a lot of pieces of media can and have done this. Magical healing and rebirth? Time to remove disabilities.

And that would have frustrated me, from a narrative perspective. But the show didn't do that! It's hard to overstate the mark trauma has left on his body; 90% of it is damaged and scarred. He is handicapped in his leg. His cultivation is also damaged. And that's still there. All of it is remains.

But despite that, despite everything, they not only move on, but they find a happy ending. They will never stop carrying that with them, but for both Xiaoyao and Tushan Jing, it doesn't matter. I like this a lot.

[wilsonfisk-thekingpin]

Mr. Fisk,

I have reason to believe that your daughter has been taken by Brock Rumlow. I have an associate that saw her walk into his office, but she never came out. I have a team ready and waiting to retrieve her or I can do it myself.

Or we can work together on this. I met her once and she is too good to be subjected to whatever Rumlow will put her through. I already know he is trying to help HYDRA gain control here like in my universe and this is exactly what I was afraid of.

The choice is yours, but I will be doing something about this. Rumlow has to go.

@the-winter-smolder-official

Wilson was seated behind his desk, much like Barnes when he first met, he had been waiting for his daughter to call. Waiting was always dull, but a fact of life given that she had her own duties to attend to.

As the news met his ears, the room itself seemed to darken with his anger, that he made no effort to hide. It showed in every fiber of his being. The words no parent wanted to hear. Wilson Fisk only liked about five people in this world and Rumlow decided to go after one of them. That was a choice, a bad choice, but a choice, nonetheless. The only thing to do now was exactly as he had always done, take decisive and deliberate action.

He made his move seconds later, he may have been retired on the Kingpin front, but deep down his roots made themselves known. His hand moved automatically grabbing his gun and the briefcase. He entered the combination to the lock. The bullets made a clinking sound as he emptied out the previous round in his gun. He returned them to their proper place, now was not the time for regular bullets. Not when he wanted to ensure his daughter was safe.

"Here I was thinking I wouldn't have a chance to use these." He muttered, picking out his Hellfire Bullets. They were a modified and improved version of Judas Bullets. Instead of multiple rapid fire explosion, the contents of the bullet would latch onto the blood cells and create implosions, killing the person from the inside out. It was much more efficient and far more effective than much of anything else on the market.

He loaded his gun with the Hellfire Bullets and then returned the briefcase to where it had been, inconspicuously under his desk. "He went after my daughter..." Standing up, he looked to Barnes, a Father on a mission to ensure the safety and well-being of his beloved daughter. An immovable and unyielding force. "Where is she?"

[cabinets-drawer]

random pointless shit i noticed from watching squid game multiple times

some characters' photos differ to the photos that got taken??

like in the squid archive, gi-hun doesnt have that fuckass grin, and on the big screen, nam-gyu's face is more tilted downwards?? the reasonable assumption is that the camera isnt taking photos, rather video-ing them, and some purposes might use different frames of that video?? but then whats the whole point of the 'smile' thing, and the shutter sound?? and i dont recall gi-hun doing that stare to the camera before he smiled??

2. nam-gyu is a master of teleportation (kidding, but he does move around a lot in shots ? )

i only noticed this because me and my friend were trying to find nam-gyu in this shot:

so, we went to the next scene and found him.

so hes 5 people away from yong-sik, and that image is flipped, with X on the left side. meaning nam-gyu is 5 back, a little bit to the right and behind yong-sik.

well, i counted 5 people back. hes just not there.

and if youre wondering if hes behind someone, no, his ass is NOT there

but then in the next scene, hes 1 person behind thanos

..and then right behind yong-sik and geum-ja?

so, me and my friend counted each person in that wide shot with "all the players"

we counted one side each, my friend found 148 people, i found 146. which means theres 291 people in that shot, not 456. there were no important characters unless they had a speaking role in that shot (no geum-ja, nam-gyu, young-mi, se-mi, min-su, seon-nyeo, jung-bae, dae-ho, hyun-ju, etc.). which makes a lot of sense, because actors are a lot more expensive than extras LMAO

but hey, as long as you keep thanos in the same spot in every scene, no one's gonna notice LMAO his hair is like a highlighter, your eyes naturally divert to it

[redpandapirate]

Severance Episode 7

I've seen some people on reddit theorize that Gemma is being SA'd on the testing floor. One person said the dentist and "love you" scene were just fetishes.

I do understand where this idea comes from. It's probably the most fucked up scenario one (especially as a woman) thinks of when seeing people being severed in not just two but multiple persona. And let's be honest, it is also a very realistic threat women would face if severance were a real thing.

Buuut while I could see SA being brought up in the future, I do not think Gemma is being SA'd in the rooms. The experiences are clearly tailored to her. Mark said she hates writing thank you cards, so one of her innies does nothing but that + she gets taunted with the last exchange her outie had with Mark. I assume she also has a fear of dentists and flying (pretty common fears imo). I assume Lumon wants to either

1. Sell Severance as a way to get out of unpleasant situations. We've already seen this with the pregnancy cabin but they're likely perfecting this for easy everyday use.

2. Obviously they want to complete something with Gemma, somehow she will "sire a new world". They also say once she is done she will have to go and Mark will be free of pain (probably grief). This sounds to me like they want to find a way to delete the original person (outie) or be able to sever any negative emotion. In Marks case "deleting" all memories of Gemma and therefore his grief. Either to sell this or to do something more sinister (we still don't know what the revolving is for example, just profit is probably not the end goal of Lumon)

Of course the big question still remains. What is cold harbor? Why does that last door complete whatever they're doing with her? Since they're apparently able to simulate a crashing plane it really could be anything. Personally I hope it has nothing to do with SA or her miscarriage.

And my personal biggest question that I've had since watching season one: Why Gemma and Mark? Everyone is obsessed with Mark and him finishing cold harbor. The Dr. Maurer dude was already looking at Gemma while in the fertility clinic. Because she simply would be their next victim? Or because they had been waiting for her arrival? There has to be something special about them and I don't believe it's a cliche "Oh, because their love is just soo strong", at least I hope it's not lol.

(Also why tf do the people in the testing floor office look like MDR? Are these the ones they saw on their outdoor retreat or are there two sets of look-alikes? Wtf is that about)

While I don't want this season to end, I'm so excited for the last episodes.

[1007xf]

Hallucinations

Ever since EP3 first came out and I found out that the hallucinations during the Translation Core fight change depending on your team and that each member has a corresponding one, I've been, well, very normal about this fact. I've been ruminating over theories in my brain ever since then and now with EP4 behind me I think it's about time I laid down my thoughts about each one in written form for whoever has the patience to humor me.

DISCLAIMER this entire post could be me overthinking some cool designs. But overthinking is like my thing so. Can't help it☆☆

Now, I'm going in with the assumption that each hallucination represents some sort of deep seated fear within each character. Maybe not necessarily their biggest fear ever, but definitely something that eats away at them from the inside. So, let's begin with looking at each of them in alphabetical order!

Akizet

Starting off strong here with I Have No Idea. Seriously. For all of these, I have some pretty robust interpretations, but Akizet's the only one that fully stumps me.

I can make out some elements, the receptors on it seem to be tir, but they hardly match any character we know of. The shape kind of fits Miltza, but her receptors have 5 "fingers", not 4, and Kazki doesn't fit at all either. So either this is someone from her past we haven't met yet (Rouzesche? Unlikely), not any specific person at all, or I'm missing something.

Obviously something that sets this hallucination apart is the pink "strings" coming out of it. This is the only one that has them. Looks like parasites to me, probably secri since we know what zuzucri infection looks in quite great detail and it's not like this. This is not particularly surprising, we know Akizet dealt with things like this as a surface runner, though I suppose this could hint to how her larval death went. Also to be noted, this hallucination lacks the hole in the chest multiple other hallucinations which depict someone "infected" have. This leads me to believe this is a larval obesk, as opposed to a qou, who can't even get infected by secri.

Last thing I'd like to add is that this thing kind of looks like... a weird amalgamation of multiple obesk. The 3 legs all look like they were taken from different bodies, and also it kind of looks like it had a second head that got decapitated? So like I said when I was talking about the mystery tir receptors, maybe this isn't a specific individual, but a mixed representation of a parasitic infection? Like the multiple victims, all having fallen prey to the same hivemind, now are fused and melted together into one monster. But I'm actually really unsure about this. I promise I'm more confident with the other ones, this one is just really confusing to me for some reason!

Bozko

Okay, this one is quite interesting. I'll first get out of the way what I think this is not.

This guy clearly has jut receptors. But I don't belive it's Cavik or Tozik, since it doesn't look like either of them beyond anything extremely superficial.

As for I do think it is... this is Vekoa. Appearance wise, I'd say she fits.

The receptors are the same, the one eye, and the cape (?) thing behing the hallucination isn't too far from Vekoa's clothing. Also, this hallucination is a qou, since it has a hole in the chest, denoting the destroyed mindcore and hijacked body.

Though beyond just looks I do believe it also makes sense from a character standpoint. Everyone at this point would be scared of Vekoa, since all clues lead to her spearheading the collapse, however Bozko seems to dread her the most out of anybody. He multiple times mentions how he thinks she's to blame for the entire tragedy. He zeroes in on eliminating Vekoa being the solution to everything, to the point he starts sounding somewhat sinister, definitely concerning. Obviously the situation was much more complicated, however Bozko is unstable and needs to anchor himself to anything in order to stay present, and burdened by his past as he is, that anchor seems to be protecting the team and culling the infection. To him, Vekoa is the root of it, and technically he isn't wrong, but his way of thinking and processing the situation is very dangerous. He has tunnel vision on the idea that he is alone, alone with the monster, with the predator, with Vekoa, that it's him and him only that needs to bear the responsibility of taking her on, because he fucked that up in his life, so now he needs to set the record straight in his death.

Overall, what at first seems like a twisted representation of Vekoa slowly becomes a representation of Bozko's self destructive, self punishing spiral.

(I could talk about this guy for so long but it's so hard because his story touches on some real personal stuff for me. He just like me frfr but honestly it's not even funny anymore why are the pixels on the screen stealing words from my mouth)

Cavik

Do I. Do I need to say anything. Seriously.

I think the fact that this is so obvious fits Cavik. He's always been so open about himself and his ideas, to the point it can become... problematic.

Seeing how important Akizet is to him like this is quite sad. Losing her could very well be his greatest fear, especially losing her in such a violent, terrible (haha get it. Because terrible life. Parasites?) manner.

What I would like to point out is that while Cavik's hallucination is clearly Akizet, Cavik is nowhere near close to being Akizet's hallucination. Just something to think about. Their dynamic is healthy and will definitely not degrade in time because of Events that have transpired.

IK Golem

(Or well, Karik, since Itzil is asleep at this point) (right) (they're asleep right) (I'm not misremembering this no? 0_0)

Well, this is Gakvu! Funny thing, girl is featured in a whopping 3 hallucinations. Congratulations?? I think???

Now, I will not give this one too much thought. It's just a Gakvu turned into a husk. The "real" hallucination of Karik appears only after the Pale Halls are unlocked.

Hey girl.

This is Telyu! The fact that the hallucination changes is so cool. Yeah, but I don't have much to say here either. Karik is scared of losing a close friend. Painfully normal fear for a painfully normal kiv. What is interesting is that Telyu retains Gakvu's melted leg. I don't think that means anything, but I thought I'd mention it.

Gakvu

Huh. Looks like she couldn't be bothered to even come up with a hallucination for herself. I'm joking.

Now, here, this is less based on actual clues and more just me interpreting something. I think this creature represents the Conflict as a whole. Gakvu always thinks of the bigger picture, so her fear being this Conflict itself fits. And, even visually, I'd say it fits. It's a ambiguous mass, with many eyes, many claws, a great thing that only works because so many minds are dedicated to senseless fighting, stuck in their ways of thinking, a ball that in it's own stubbornness throws itself down the hill, only to inevitably get hurt, only for inevitably tragedy to strike. This stubbornness to stay in your old ways, this closed off way of thinking, is what Gakvu resents, is what she ultimately fears, because she knows how destructive they can be. From the trauma of how she was raised (yes, trauma, she may act cool, but it clearly greatly affects her) in the structurist way, to the imminent threat of her execution (I do hope she doesn't die that way. She'll definitely die, I just hope she gets to do it on her own terms) she's always lived with the fear of a much greater entity out to get her.

An interesting thing, her hallucination and Bozko's kind of parallel eachother? Or are moreso foils? Bozko's is the immediate problem, Vekoa, the person propagating this infection, but Gakvu's is the Conflict itself, the bigger picture. It's cool to see how they view their situation in such different ways, both of their ways of thinking being both useful, but also potentially dangerous. I generally tend to think of Bozko and Gakvu as foils to eachother in one way or another, but that's another discussion entirely.

Miltza

Miltza. MiltzaMiltzaMiltza. Sigh.

Again, this is one of the very obvious ones. Though it's cool that you can cross reference this with another hallucination of Gakvu, the one IK has. It really shows how Miltza sees Gakvu, even if she tries to be reasonable, not as a qou, as an individual, but as a saboteur, as an instrument for mayhem and strife. Instead of the hole in the chest, the hand symbol is shown, a mark of Gakvu's alliance. Miltza literally doesn't see her heart.

Obviously I don't think Miltza is that vile. She clearly was... trying. And Gakvu herself seems to recognize as much, unfortunately by then it's too late and she's gone. But the hallucinations are the worst a mind can conceive, so I don't think she's really to blame for this.

Miltza you certainly were a character. Bon voyage girl you were kinda crazy for believing in allat <3

Tozik

Last but definitely, definitely not least.

This is. Okay. It's not okay.

Obviously the figure in the left is Bozko, the one on the right is Gakvu, the one in the middle could be Cavik, but it could also be Tozik himself. The receptors could literally be either of them. Yes, they have a curve, which would be Cavik, but the style in which the hallucinations are present seems to kinda hate the straight lines and angles of the Ekivik style sooo... it's a bit hard to tell? Either way, I think both interpretations carry similar enough meaning.

Tozik cares. A lot. He always did, Akizet was just terrible at reading him (to nobody's surprise). When his fear gets extracted out of him and made manifest, it's a corrupted, lost version of his closest friends. While he seems to keep everyone at an arm's length, his friendship with Bozko gets outright stated and it's clear he was closer to Gakvu too. (As for Cavik, if that is indeed him, I guess they shared a caste and had similar duties so maybe they worked together more?? I don't know. Their tie doesn't seem as personal as the other 2 so that's another reason I tend to lean into that being Tozik himself)

And now? Now, beyond everything else happening, he has to witness these 2 friends deteriorate more and more, Bozko's struggle being obvious, and the cracks starting to show in Gakvu's façade too. Ironically, he is the first to start physically deteriorating, and at a much faster pace, a little later on. Maybe because this hallucination doesn't have the chest hole, this isn't the fear of them becoming husks, but rather the fear of them succumbing to their own internal struggles and losing it?

Another interesting detail, this hallucination seems to have blood on its hands. This is the only one with such a detail. It obviously means something. I don't know what, but it must mean something.

Conclusion??

Hi are you still with me. No. Ok :)

But really, if you somehow read this far I really appreciate you <3<3<3

I would like to add something. I'm not on the discord (too scared :( ) and I've never really participated in online discussions yet. I've never seen anybody else speak so in depth about this topic specifically yet, however obviously I could have missed something. So if I just stated a bunch of obvious shit everyone knew already I'm soooorryyy. I tried to give it my own flare okay☆☆☆

Overall I'm glad to finally get all this info off my chest and into the void of tumblr. I definitely have more to say about other things and maybe I will in the future!! I was thinking about writing some of my thoughts on each character respectively, maybe.

And once again thank you for reading and good night is 3 in the morning for me and I need to get up in 3 hours <3

[filthy-imouto]

I'M TIRED, LEAVE ME ALONE. Hello everyone, I don't like drama (I'm literally just too old for this) and I didn't wanted to make this public but this post let's me no choice because this is just stupid at this point. Some of you might know that @/clumsyzw0mbiez did perma-paywall her Sims and re-uploading CC of others in the past which led to her being critized by others. I was part of her server back then and when she wrote publicly about her being bullied and she wondered why and I told her that the reason might be because she paywalled her Sims including their CC. She projected all the anon hate she got onto me, her friends included. She then made all her Sims free and said I was lying, so I left the server because I didn't liked how I was treated and I don't support people profiting from other peoples work. I reached out once more to her in private, because I gave her the benefit of the doubt and I don't like conflict. She gave me a snarky response and I gave up on that matter, telling her I will block her. Not respecting my boundaries, she reached out to me on Tumblr, TikTok and even found my real life Instagram to message me on there. I told her to leave me alone and that was it. Month later now, people started to talk about her again because she was charging 40 dollars for "Sims 4 classes" (which she also changed to 15 dollars after being called out and now claimed it was never 40 dollars to begin with), where she would "teach" people how to do Sims. I looked into it and someone on my small server posted about this as well, so I talked about what had happend in the past. One of the people there was her friend, she decided to invite 3 people onto it who would spam my server with horrible things, Clumsy included. After an hour of spamming on my server, throwing insults around and telling me that everyone would hate me, they left. I was shocked that the people supporting her, knowing about this, just looked away and/or even enabled her behaviour. While being worried about this whole situation, I tried to move on from this, not talking publicly about it. But this person here, that is probably one of her friends or even herself, don't give me a choice. I don't support bullying, no matter in which direction. Everything I said on my server (which doesn't even have 4 active people on it) was stuff I told Clumsy to her face. This account was obviously made to make it look like I made it, frame me as a bully and Clumsy as a victim like she did it multiple times in the past after being critized. This is literally insanity. This accounts is trying so hard to sound like me, using words I used and turn them into the most hateful way they were able to. I'm done with this, Clumsy. I told you multiple times to leave me alone and you do not respect it. Instead you guys do something like this now after spamming my server last night with disgusting stuff. Just stop already. This account is benefiting her situation so much, it is obvious that it's made to make her look like she was the one being bullied. You all should grow up, seriously.

@clumsyzw0mbiez

This person is a lowlife scammer. She pretends like she’s this sweet person. When in reality all she wants to do is exploit, manipulate and lie to others. This person that you think you know is lying to you.

I have so much proof on everything that she’s done and I plan to post all of it. This is just my initial post because it’s time to bring her character to light. She uses other simmers base to make her Sims. I have proof of this. She has also copied two simmers in the community. Do not let her fool you. Do not let her lie to you.

If you want more information, I can make more post. This is my first, not my last post. I plan to expose her and show everyone the type of person she is. The truth will be revealed. She will no longer be able to trick and lie to people. It is time that the Sims community knows all about her and I’m gonna be the one to do it.