#I should stop asking myself questions
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The thing that sounds strange to me is: Bucky was a sweet boy - in the First Avenger, in Civil War, in Infinity War and in Endgame. By sweet boy I mean he was always smiling, yeah mocking a little Steve (but mostly in the First Avenger), but in general he was gentle and he wouldn't hurt a fly. Like, in Civil War, he tries to avoid as much as possible as direct fight, knowing that otherwise the Winter Soldier would get the best over him - like when they're in Romania, and the germans attack his apartament, and he have to fight them face to face, Steve says "we're trying not to kill them" because in that moment is the WInter Soldier fighting, not Bucky. And the famous scene in Infinity War - "Where's the fight?" -. He's tired of fighting, but he fights anyway (by the way, this scene is been already analyzed by a lot of people so I don't go further on it). And when he sees Steve again, he's that sweet boy again, all smile and rough hug. He's the same even in Endgame, in wich - comfirmed in TFATWS - he already knew what Steve was gonna do.
Then, why in TFATWS he has this rage? I know he's pissed that Sam gave away the shield, but he isn't only pissed for it. If it's for the new world, he could ha kept on living in Wakanda, where he seemed in peace with everything. Then why he returned to the USA? And the whole pardon thing by the Government about him and Sam - because, Nat is dead and they made her a martyrdom for the cause, and so Steve, even if apparently they don't say that he's dead (the scene where a fan asks Sam if it's true that Steve is on the moon) - sounds strange. I get it for Sam, he has the shield, so given that the Government wants to have control on the shield and all it symbolizes, but Bucky is knew for being the Winter Soldier, an assassin - and also Cap's best friend, but more for being an assassin. So what, they want an asset, ready to the use - this is a possible theory for the Thunderbolts (ex criminals being underground hero) -?
What it's understable is why he's pissed at Sam, and that's clearly explained in the series. And, probably he's pissed because he's alone, he don't know what to do with his life - therapy sessions don't help, because the only goal of Dr. Raynor is to get him back to work in the fastest way possible, so it's a point in favor to the Government wanting him as an asset.
So really, I don't know. That's that sudden change in six month and it isn't explained properly. And now there's Thunderbolts, in which he's again in another context and with different people - like, can this man have a peaceful life? (but probably, surely, he's like Steve: he can't stay still.)
#bucky barnes#tfatws#winter soldier#catfa#catws#cacw#infinity war#avengers endgame#captain america the first avenger#captain america the winter soldier#captain america civil war#I should stop asking myself questions#but really why#bucky's rage
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In your professional educated psychology opinion. why is cherik Like That
i cannot give a Professional educated psychological opinion until at least may but as far as i can tell queer people cant be normal bout anything so thats why theyre like that
#snap chats#if i wanted to tbh i prob could do a Genuine Overview of Why Theyre Like That from a character study standpoint#not like the series aint givin me crumbs ...... obligatory 309 mention Do We Get Why Thats My Favorite Issue Now#its literally charles being his own therapist with erik as his mouthpiece. weird ass psychosexual episode like my god#this what i mean when i say queer people cant be normal cause whats that for...#idc if you explained it to me as erik being the embodiment of everything charles hates about himself#see now i wanna reread it but i left the issue at my moms !!!!!! im going back tomorrow for the weekend at least... i can read it then...#im still standing in astoundment...#and when charles said he became obsessive with finding other mutants after meeting erik#oh girl your break up was MESSY messy .... dare i say rebound era ...#charles you cant fill the void like that ......#anyway im gonna be sick now that im thinking of Iconic Cherik Things again i have made myself sick thinking of them#fym your feelings for erik was stronger than falling in love Kill Yourself PLEASE#ok ill stop. ill go now.#ask me this question again like four months idk im not a doctor and i never will be#should i go clinical just so i can pull a lorna and remind everyone of my phd every other day#very funny in theory but too expensive of a joke i fear and while i love a good joke My God.
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getting ready for a party im hosting tomorrow and i feel like im forgetting something. oh i know!!! accidentally starting tumblr discourse bc i was curious about other people’s social norms!!! what should I ask this time?
#fresh from the river#come on noble you should really let it go#i know i know i know#unfortunately im bad at that#honestly i think im just ashamed#i could have written to post better. handled it better. shut it down sooner. *something*#i need to stop overexplaining myself but#i don’t think it’s rude to show up on time!!! i don’t!!!! i think being punctual is polite!!!!!!!#i think it can be rude to show up *early*#bc the host isn’t expecting to have to entertain people just yet#and might not be ready#but if they’re not ready by the start time that’s on them#there’s nothing rude about showing up at the start time!!!!#(you just might find it a bit awkward cause other folks might be a bit late)#AND AGAIN THIS IS JUST IN THE CONTEXT OF THE SOCIAL RULES I WAS RAISED WITH#THE REASON I ASKED THE QUESTION!!!! WAS BECAUSE I WANTED TO KNOW WHAT OTHER PEOPLE WERE RAISED WITH!!!#i wanted it to be a chance for me to learn about other cultures#instead it became people yelling at each other about what was ‘right’ …#and. for the final time. those tags that everyone saw??? were not mine#agh#okay yeah i’m doing a really bad job at letting it go
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i am very grateful that im not someone that has to deal with daily seizures but it is evil when it takes like a week and a half's worth of business days to recover from a seizure
#if i had them everyday or every other day i would be so fucked 😭#id like to say they dont bother me per se but the entire week after is laying in bed after 11 pm and wondering if jts going to happen again#bc my head feels like its about to explode#and then do not get me started on the fear of getting in the shower within the first few days of one happening .#reasonably i understand that my seizures happen from 11pm to maybe 3 am on average .#but ill have a seizure and then have to hype myself up for like 2 hours just to take one 3 days later st like 2 pm#my seizures do not interfere with my day to day life in extreme ways but existing knowing that i have them during a certain time frame is#like. Hey man can you grow up#also it is really funny being told theyre probably hormonal or stress related and should 'probably stop' as i get into my mid 20s .#Well im turning 25 next month and evidently i still have seizure activity in me#also also heres a fun fact: my epilepsy does not have an actual named diagnosis they just said i certainly have a Form of it ❤️#they dont know what causes them and i have no real warning signs (bc a headache =/= potential seizure)#they dont bother me but i do have to live with the knowledge that i could have one any day now and wake up to my mom asking me questions#hope everyone can tell i have a lot of feelings about my epilepsy despite not talking about it like ever ❤️#the only thing that really bothers me is the no warning signs. ive been perfectly fine and had them. ive had massive migraines when i was#unmedicated and didnt have one. very bizarre#and ofc all my brain scans come back normal all the time so they dgaf Lol
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My afraid-of-romance ass has just been asked by another regular customer for my number and the stupid thing is that again I do think this guy is kinda cute and I really probably should say yes
#the fear tho lmao#what am I afraid of? I have no fucking clue#this is why I’m still questioning my sexuality lol like what am I? do I even actually like guys? do I like anyone?#in an existential spiral at the moment#but honestly why do they always ask for my number#like dude just give me yours and let me make the decision when you’re not right here in front of me#but I felt bad telling him no today just because the last time a customer asked and I said yes I almost immediately regretted it#and then that didn’t work out because I thought he was too young#young* and now he still sometimes comes by and I just feel awkward about it#maybe I should turn to Facebook and see if I can find him because I have set an age limit for myself and I really don’t want to entertain#anyone younger than that#but I’m……… I know I’m like never active in here anymore#but I just needed to talk about this somewhere#because any of my coworkers would probably tell me I’m being ridiculous or they’d just seriously keep questioning why I keep saying no to#customers that hit on me and my best friend would probably also not get it#idk y’all I just needed to rant about it/talk about it#anyway I’m definitely gonna stress over this until tomorrow#and I’m gonna feel really bad if he stops coming by
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glad more people love bayverse op and his majestic juicy breasts <3
fuck i wanna suck on them so babd… he probaby don’t even have nips but that won’t stop me
#i should not be answering ask this drunk but who’s gonna stop me?? no one#I’m gonna wake up tomorrow and question myself skhdbdndbdndjj#tf bayverse#bayverse optimus#valveplug#asks
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Uuuugh this lady at ceramic that brought her son in and is like "oh well i brought him there to teach him boundaries" and MOTHERFUCKER YOU COULD HAVE DONE IT IN THE TWENTY YEARS YOU HAVE RAISED HIM. DO NOT DROP THE RESPONSABILITY ON ME (who is also autistic) AND THE HEAD CERAMIST JUST BECAUSE YOU SEE "OH WOMEN"
#like for fucks sake. i am younger than him. i should NOT be his babysitter#he is also like. p high functioning. he just has no boundaries and is annoying as fuck and asks inappropriate questions and acts#pretentious in the 'oh i am the only Lived Man here' way and he fucking keeps touching me and my shit#EVEN THOUGH I TOLD HIM SEVERAL TIMES TO. STOP. TOUCHING. ME.#'but why do you have something against me' well yeah but thats a direct consequence of breaking my pretty reasonable boundary#OF NOT WANTING STRANGERS TO TOUCH ME. jesus fucking christ#and all of this because his mother probably went 'eheh he is autistic boys will be boys let him be 🥰'#and only now realized how much of a fuckup that thinking is. but nooo she cant fix her shit herself she has to#pull other people in. ffs she also wants to sign him up to my scout group because#'well you know each other (we have known each other for five hours)'#also all this deliberate saying that she did that for him because well. again. he is p high functioning. she just#breathes down his neck and shelters him as fuck#god i wanna bang my head against a wall ceramic lessons were supposed to be a way to unwind myself not get angrier
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leaving for college tomorrow... it doesn't feel real at all :')
#am I excited. idk. mostly I feel terrified and confused.#I got together with a friend the other night and he straight-up asked 'do you *want* to go to college??' and I was like '....yeah. I think.#I mean I need to go.'#and that's all I've got right now tbh.#it's going to be ok. I keep having people tell me that. people keep telling me that I'm going to be fine.#that I have a history of making good choices and I should stop second-guessing myself and everything around me.#but isn't that pride? to believe you'll make it out alright? shouldn't you always be a little bit afraid?#but I'm sick to death of being afraid.#I've wondered around in fear for ever it feels like. I'm ready to grow up and get out of it.#I'm ready to live in the real world. the question is how.#gurt says stuff#personal#college survival
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#ok I’m so proud of myself bc this involves finance which is something I avoid at all costs but like I did it!!#my work failed to process my check which I should have received yesterday. I’m now expected to get it next week#and part of growing up poor is like. idk. this learned helplessness or defeatist attitude with money problems#like ohh it’s my bad I should’ve had more savings to cover waiting an extra week or longer for my monthly check#and historically I just shut down and panic while doing nothing bc this is my biggest possible stressor to come across#but!!! being around rich people? I’ve learned they negotiate!! and demand to not be inconvenienced!!#my work was like ehh I’m sorry too bad so sad about your check and I was like actually no#I explained how this impacts my ability to pay rent. my credit score. how they didn’t inform me in time to stop bill autopay#and asked what their detailed plan is to fix this#and within an hour admin was scrambling. four different people emailed me apologizing for the mix up#and they worked it out with finance to get me a $2000 loan to get me by until the check hits#but I was like actually no. I won’t be paying interest on this because I shouldn’t be penalized for your error#and so they GOT RID OF INTEREST#0% interest cash advance essentially that covers all my bills#I picked up the physical check for the 2k today so it’s legit thank god#I thanked everyone involved and remained extremely polite#and they said if there’s any other questions you have please let us know#so I was like actually you know what lmao#I explained that I’ve incurred fees for overdrafts and returned items due to bill autopay that I couldn’t cancel due to them informing me#basically the day of my check being late#and so I specifically said I’ve incurred $270 in fees at this point as a result of your error and I shouldn’t be expected to pay this.#and!! they just said… okay!!! I just got an email that they’ve processed a secondary check for $270!!#so like?!?! what?!?! is this what life is like when you don’t shy away from discussing money?!#im genuinely shocked. this is a life lesson. I never would have imagined this outcome#thank god I decided to not take it lying down
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youtube
Zero Day Director commentary - With actor Andre Keuck
#movies#film#cinema#Damn I wish Cal was here#Andre and Ben are really interesting to listen to#This movie is one of those movies where it needs like 3 commentaries#It needs one with just Ben Coccio by himself#then one with Cal and Andre by themselves#then another with all 3 of them#Not all movies do that but I love when studios/filmmakers have multiple commentaries to create a sense of thorough intimacy#due to the nature of how commentaries are set up they can be quite restrictive/pressing/limited with no pauses or rewinds.#so I find cast/crew don't have enough time or able to present how they would like to if they could edit/rewind or pause for fluent presenta#So I love when they have director commentaries and actor commentaries or composer commentaries#Platoon's dvd extras are so dope they got multiple commentaries and one with military adviser Dale Dye who was a RL vietnam vet#Or Hostel's commentaries where one is just Eli Roth and another is Tarantino and Eli Roth with Scott Spiegal#idk if Zero Day ever got a blu-ray release but I think it should but the DV technology of the camera is kinda at it's limit of resolution#but an AI upscaling with 20 years later retrospective with Ben Cal and Andre would be sooo dope along with updated commentaries#Every few years I always rewatch Zero Day so that time has come that last few days lol#Ever since Columbine as a lil kid I have always been into spree-murders and active shooter incidents#I remember reading a peer-reviewed paper called Pseudo-Commandos#And Eric and Dylan and Andre and Cal would be dubbed Pseudo-Commandos where they dress up in a semi-military fashion#and have a delusion of superiority mixed with perceived sense of persecution whether it's true or not#it went into the Postal shooter from the 80s as well and what he went through along#plus I read another book called Going Postal which also went into postal shootings along with school shootings#I want to make a film about spree murders or an active shooter/s but I remember just getting so tired of the subject matter#because every 3 weeks there was some new shooter in the headlines and I found myself not wanting to be exploitative#When I write/direct my film I'd like it to address and study the character of such an individual but not try to be too political#or exploitative and focus on the ambiguities that are left behind when someone does this#as a society I noticed we stopped asking the questions on why and stopped having constructive conversations#it feels like as a coping mechanism we've started treating them like tornados or natural disasters
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kicking my feet and giggling (<- just got apologised to)
#guys i have worth??? im actually a human being deserving of basic respect and SHOULD be apologised to if i am not given that??? holy shit#ok but like i actually was pretty mad and i just wasn't going to talk to them when the weekend ended but to think they'd actually apologise#guys i am a friend worth apologising to omg this is so nice#(<- was fuming over how i was a “friend” not even worthy of her basic decency and respect an hour ago)#LIKE IM STILL MAD#okay i actually cant vaguepost to save my life but basically this girl whos a friend i recently got close to and formed a friendgroup with#shes really fucking whiny and ive been tolerating it for so long but on friday she was extremely whiny and rude whenever i just asked a#simple question#and it's really draining and humiliating to be spoken to like poop on the sidewalk in front of other people#but anyway other than that i was really upset because during pe i wanted to show her my hip injury cuz i thought it was funny#(it wasn't diagnosed yet i just felt my joints moving weirdly)#and like that involves her putting her hand on my hip#so i asked her to do that then she started whining about how she doesn't want to touch me and that i'm weird for asking ppl to touch me#then she started telling like the 3 other ppl around us i was weird and wanted ppl to touch me#then this other cool girl overheard and looked at us funny i guess cuz then the friend said 'haha now [cool girls name] is also laughing'#i was so fucking embarrassed and humiliated i still want to tear up thinking about it#like are you actually my friend wtf i don't even need enemies w a friend like you#i wanted to cry so bad then#ugh i hate it#like you couldve just said no thanks bro what is ur problem#this just made me realise how much i hate how she talks to me sometimes#and i know i need to stop surrounding myself with negative vibes in order to feel happy#but its still so frustrating#we were doing so well the other day and google meeting everyday#then this happened and then she got mad and started ignoring me on the way home#bro idk i hate ts i should just stop making friends#rant
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#it's 1am and i'm depressed and don't want to go to bed#there's such an unbelievable amount of century-defining tragedy and horror in the world rn#and i know that’s always true but jfc we know about so much more of it simultaneously now#like i'm supposed to be chill and functional in the face of war pandemic climate change forever chemicals micro plastics and fascism?#and and and?#i'm supposed to smile and ask follow-up questions when people tell me about vacations to Hawaii#rather than shaking them and saying holy fuck stop doing that please learn about the ramifications and historical context of your actions#i'm supposed to smile and give a measured response when a new coworker asks my other coworker and me#when they can/SHOULD use generative AI *for work purposes*#rather than screaming and throwing articles at them about the environmental impact of LLM bullshit#and that's all large scale#that's not getting into the fact that there's a growing family chilliness over refusal to communicate about I/P shit#or the fact that my mom is dying slowly and hates it and is worsening her relationship with my siblings little by little#or the fact that I'm peeling away at my sanity trying to process a divorce and get healthcare for my cat and dental care for myself#or the fact that it takes hours of research to find DISH SOAP THAT DOESN’T KILL THE MICROBIOMES OF THE LOCAL WATER SUPPLY#(10/10 recommend 'blueland' for that if you're reading btw)#like i'm painfully aware of the back-patting level of efficacy that i have for buying different soap and going to the farmer's market#but there's only so much i can do so i have to try to do what i can right? but it's so little and everything is so much#and my mental health is a mess; the fact that my particular neurotype is known to get more volatile with age scares the shit oit of me#like it's this bad at 33 and it gets WORSE?#my job is great for personal privilege but so *so* meaningless and redundant#and how tf do i look at all of this and not feel fucking hopeless?#i can distract myself with my garden but the candide approach was myopic even in the 17th century so it's hard to justify now#I'm so tired#just... fuck man#tag rant#i should delete this but I'll forget if you read this far i hope it wasnt damaging to your mental health#i just had to let off the brain scream pressure somewhere
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same soup... different day
#hello it is sarah in the tags again#i feel like i tell myself i'll actually use this as a blog and then i forget and then i remember and then i forget again#venting ahead if that is not ur jam (talking to the 2 followers who actually see my posts)#i like tumblr because it;s so removed from my personal life that it feels really like a place i dont have to be anything for anyone#anyway i've been wondering if i should go back to therapy again but i feel like they might get tired of me because i keep bailing and comin#back like an addict lol like i swear i'll commit this time! sike. ghost be upon ye#anyway this time i'd come in for the big D#i don't like the floor it just feels closer to being six feet under and a bit like where i belong#i feel like a great number of things have happened in the past year and i've met all of it with a very lukewarm sense of dread and anxiety#its not even about feeling happy i dont even think i can feel shaken by anything. i feel like people see my apathy and think it's confidenc#anyway im not going back. they always say the same thing. can't do shit about shit life syndrome. and i don't want pills i'm so sick of the#isn't it something that i'm especially depressed the day before i start my new job? it's a tradition at this point. cheers#isn't it cruel that everyone in my life seem to put me on some kind of bizarre pedestal and no one questions my decisions or authority and#i battle with myself to figure out if i'm doing the right thing (no one will tell me the truth they are all scared of me getting angry)#was talking with a friend about how it'll be if i join their group project in a module we're taking soon.#and she's like well isn't it obvious? everyone will just listen to whatever you say and we'll end up doing well.#no one would challenge you because you're always right. and it's like.. yeah. i guess. okay. (hate that i know she's not wrong)#lol can u tell this is why house is kind of getting to me. learning lots of things about myself watching that man commit medical malpractic#anyway. i didn't ghost my therapist this time i remember now. she left the clinic lol she asked me to connect on linkedin. that was amusing#i always feel like the therapists here never know what to do with me and i kind of have to hold their hand a bit through my psyche#also they seem to be a bit at awe of me which is a bit annoying. and i know that definitely sounds like Issues but it's just like#ugh not you too. please stop i'm sick of it i'm sick with it. i don't want you to be inspired by my awful life and how i handled it#and i have nothing to say for it but... *gestures vaguely* of all of this
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also whats a guy gotta do for people to stop asking me why i have the code to the elevators meant for personnel and disabled students to use. like why is it that twice now staff from the college ask me "Umm why do you have the code to the elevator?" buddy if im not also staff then ill give you one fucking guess.
#wind howls#why is is that its only fine for me to have the disability resources if im visibly disabled.#do i have to find my cane and start using it at school so they may leave me alone even though i dont need to use it ?#do i have to make myself a pin or write on my backpack 'i have the elevator code because im fucking disabled stop asking me why'#even if i werent a student and i was just given the code or just found it out. what are you gonna do ? have disability services change it ?#they already change it every month ! its so fucking whatever ! leave me alone stop asking me why i can use the elevator !#like what am i supposed to do.#should i just tell disability services if they can arrange for staff to get some . sensitivity training so they stop asking dumb questions#or whatever im just so sick of it. i have the elevator code and ill keep having it and its nonya business and i hope you die.
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there's normal thought exercise questions to be had about fave charas like 'what would your fave do in X situation' or 'does your fave like Y why or why not' but the most important question to me i could ever answer about my faves is 'do they like shadow the hedgehog and is it purely ironic or do they have all 326 route titles memorized'
#snap chats#'snap can you go three minutes without mentioning shadow' No its my brand at this point. hes in the pfp i gotta mention him once a week#anyway listen to me. its because its my favorite question and answering Who Likes Shadow is good for character analysis <- bullshitting#understanding shadow the hedgehog is something done by few as is so thats why its esp funny to think bout other charas's thoughts on him#i think its just funny to think about all these 40-70 y/o men getting In Too Deep about an anthropomorphic alien hedgehog#on the real tho i love Thought Exercise Questions when it comes to fave charas...#its a good way for me to stop and reflect on a chara and make sure i still have their character in mind whenever i go to portray them#i be asking these questions every day over the dumbest shit you can think of like 'who basically lives off an air fryer'#silly things like that..... plus then i make tier lists in my mind... fun organization games for the mentally unsound...#ok im drawing for myself now bye#i just needed to remind everyone im thinking of sonic. which i SHOULD make a blog for#but like i'll prob never make sonic fanart or talk about it that deeply- not consistently enough to make a blog for it#ok bye bye ill be back with actual rgg content and then you guys can remember why you followed me in the first place LMAO
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so chilchuck is turning 29 and half-foot become adults at 14 which means that if he married as soon as he became an adult it's been 15 years since, and he's been in laios's party for about a year which in turn means that his wife left him when he was 28 at the latest, which means that he'd been married for 14 years, and he's also got three daughters which we know aren't triplets, and when his wife left him (14 years after he married) they were all already adults and living by themselves (so all at least 14 years old) so my question is just how short is a half-foot's pregnancy even. how did chilchuck's wife get three daughters into the world in the span of the first year after she was married.
#also very sad realization that as soon as the kids were out of the home chil's marriage fell to pieces#i feel for him I hope he'll manage to fix his marriage#it's not his fault he's an idiot#also i saw pics of the wife she's so pretty chil you dumb fuck#EDIT apparently he had his first child at 13 is this a retcon of their adult age or#does it mean he had a child before becoming a legal adult???#maybe i should just stop asking myself this kind of questions
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