#I should really take it to the Vent Journal more often but its a different kind of outlet. i think

[bare1ythere]

this is starting to sound seriously like rejection sensitivity disorder

Oh it almost certainly is something to that effect. I've been talking to my therapist about it but unfortunately i am Unable to go as frequently as I need to. Such is life. Sorry that you all have to see it so much

[katyspersonal]

*kicks in the door*

KATY!!!!!!!!!!!!! I COME TO GIVE YOU ASKS ABOUT YURIE!!!

1) What would their social media page/activity be like

4) Physical headcanons (sleeping habits, favourite food, all that)

8) Made-up connections with other characters that weren't in the canon (friends, enemies, whatever)

9) Headcanons about their past

Have a good one!!!

YOOOOOOO! I didn't expect this!! Finally, a chance to talk about her! (Also, a small bit ahead - I tend to call her Julie instead (Czech variant of Julia), as it is a more proper translation of her name, and I use Yurie sometimes for ease of a communication. There used to be a post by Saintmic about names but TLDR; the エ (ye) in her name ユリエ (yu-ri-ye) is not silent, and it is a different name than the existing Japanese name Yuri (ユリ or sometimes ゆり).. Besides, Soulsborne games always have a character with a variant of this name (such as Zullie, Yulia or Yuria/Julia))

(Asks from this ( x ) meme)

1) What would their social media page/activity be like

Hahaha... I imagine her as being someone whose page is mostly reblogs. 90% of them are from Willem x) But really, though. She would often not find what to say by herself, but would share some based takes - criticisms of modern culture, spreading awareness of some interesting statistics, journal articles that are based on cold and hard facts without any propaganda (good OR bad)... Her personal posts are rare and are either pictures + texts about something from her ordinary life, or vents. However, she'd constantly get the "DELETE THIS" DMs from Laurence (for reblogging some statistic about "effectiveness" of the Healing Church's procedures). Surprisingly, Willem himself never gets any flack despite being the OP of the posts she reblogs to begin with xD

4) Physical headcanons (sleeping habits, favourite food, all that)

Julie normally prepares her breakfast, lunch and dinner in advance, just so she would not have to get distracted from routine work (that tends to occupy her strongly). She cannot care less about her food being cold or even getting stale for that matter. But she behaves differently during her time of caring about Rom as a human; Rom tends to forget to eat as well, and for HER Julie is willing to make sure the food is fresh from the oven and is in its best quality.

She ends up chugging too much blue elixirs later in her story, exactly for the side-effect they are giving - to numb her brain. Julie never had a drinking problem prior - be it the holy blood, the sedatives, the blue elixirs or even actual alcohol, but she got a chance to drink with Fauxsefka a little too often and developed the habit very soon.

All her character sliders have the number at 0 except for arms that has 130 (middle), soooo. Her strongest part is her arms - not too muscular, but strong. If she ever must fight without weapon, she will exclusively fist-fight (or hit one's vulnerable spots, should they lack enough armour). Her punches are not strong (her STR is only 13), but she knows where and how to punch for maximally damaging effect (SKL is 33).

I used to think that she was bald for the same reason as Willem and Slime Scholars (so, Arcane?), but hair falling out from Arcane would not explain her notably bushy EYEBROWS, so I ended up deciding she does have hair tucked under that cap. I also decided to bridge the gap with learning about her NPC data colors too late by having her dye her hair brown or black-ish sometimes. Even prior that, I've had a running gag with drawing her with different hairstyle every single time, but by now she developed more tomboyish look in my interpretation!

She has an eagle sharp eyesight, is able to effortlessly read the tiniest letters without magnifying glass, or even looking in too close, for that matter. Others joke that she developed it by working with literal eyes too much; most of the jars with eyeballs were prepared and preserved by her!

8) Made-up connections with other characters that weren't in the canon (friends, enemies, whatever)

Damian: Fun fact, him and Julie were my next ship after Micorom (before I made Rom Mico's sister instead)! I've noticed that both her and Damian qualify as "failed" members of their respective factions and it snowballed... xD Since then a lot of headcanons were rearranged, but I still enjoy the idea of them as a ship! However, by now them just being close friends works better; Julie is Rom's caretaker, no dissimilar to how Damian basically became Micolash's "butler" before he noticed, so the two are a bit too attached to their (slightly crazy) blorbos to devote to significant romantic relationship otherwise. But, Damian and Julie always had a lot to talk about, and always were the most responsible people in Byrgenwerth (the type to always volunteer to clean the classroom after lessons, to decorate everything for the holidays, etc etc...).

Towards the game events they do become enemies though, as Damian has to face it that Rom has to die for at least a chance of stopping Mensis ritual, and Julie won't have that. It would further wreck him, of course, as he just keeps losing the scholars that were close to him.. but let's hope that the good ol' 'nobody REALLY can die in Bloodborne' works hahaha. ALSO! When I explored the idea of lucky charms to block out the 'evil' telepathy, I had Damian to wear a silver bell tied with Julie's trademark blue ribbon; she gifted it to him upon their parting!

Fauxsefka: They have had a lot of tension between each other ever since being Byrgenwerth scholars, and frequent disagreements. Not really enemies, but their personalities do not mesh well at all; Julie is level-headed despite her grumpiness and Fauxsefka is easily deluded although 'friendly', Julie is open-minded but Fauxsefka is prone to fanatism and black-white thinking, Julie often chooses passive ways (such as preferring to not touch Mensis ritual and slowly 'evolve' people) but Fausxefka will take active, decisive actions (such as running off and forcibly evolving people into Kin so they can't become beasts instead). They are opposites that not complete each other, but tend to argue. Fauxsefka called Julie callous and vile on multiple occasions, Julie called her crazy and deranged in return. Even the last time they've interacted, they were fighting exactly over Fauxsefka's idea to return to her experiments, and she told Julie that she should have known better than to believe she'd understand her. Granted, they were trying their best to get along for years, but some people are just not compatible.

Iosefka: She is Fauxsefka's twin. Despite sharing more in common with Julie, Iosefka is a more tender and malleable pushover than her, so she'd tend to go along with Fauxsefka most of the time rather than argueing.

However, that made Julie a little bit of a 'therapist' friend for Iosefka, and she knew more about her than even her sister. Iosefka entrusted Julie about supporting Micolash's ideas more (at the time), and Julie was the best to hear her out, as someone both critical but not controlling. (Besides, she already used to it, as Rom outright idealized Micolash...) Their friendship was a bit one-sided, but Julie appreciated the trust, and Iosefka appreciated being given space and perspective.

Edgar: Julie liked him more than she'd want to admit, it is as if the guy embodies exactly the kind of a person Julie wishes she was but simply can't be. Not because she is 'bad' but because she is Julie, not Edgar! xd In fact, she envied him, both in good and bad ways. She also had slight fear that he'd 'steal' Rom from her that she'd repress. Most of all traits, she appreciated his independent, non-conforming thinking! Although Julie, likewise, didn't fit into Choir, but her reason was to side with Willem's approach much more. Edgar though? That guy was an unhinged, unbreakable individualist, questioning anything (including even the most sacred and dogmatic things) and anyone (regardless of their age and experience). Yet, this also ended up the trait she resents him by now, since Edgar, sent to spy on Micolash, ended up "thinking that Micolash's ideas make more logical sense". Funny enough, fuming mad at Edgar for being a 'traitor' was the most sincere moment of bonding and agreement Julie ever had with Fauxsefka in her entire life.

White Church Hunter (yes, the one in Research Hall): Vasylissa was Willem's Julie before Julie was Willem's Julie x) Julie tends to develop bonds that are either tense or unequal, but these two had a rather warm bond. The only reason they didn't become girlfriends is because Julie already was too attached to Rom and Vasylissa was always busy with something. But as a very responsible scholar, Julie would get praise from Vasylissa often, down to receiving headpats (that made her blush). Vasylissa would also often find herself pleasantly surprised by Julie having already completed some tasks she thought she'd have to do! They repeated the dynamic in the Research Hall a lot, except now they'd occasionally have cup of tea to bitch about Laurence xd I think it could've been a cute ship in an AU though!

Micolash: Had it not been for LAWS OF THIS LAND- errr, Damian and Rom, Julie would have probably hated him! It doesn't change the fact that he is completely lost on her after going completely batshit (even on his own faction), but being close with two people that loved the guy for years made Julie well aware of his tragic past and sympathetic traits. She simply could not feel hostile towards him, he basically became a friend-in-law, but could very well see Micolash was a dangerous person. She'd attempt to sneak on him without Rom knowing to check whether he was up to something, but either Micolash would be aware and tangle his traces... or Damian would catch her and carry her away like a puppy sdhfgds Rom's love towards Micolash had rubbed onto Julie so much that even if the siblings were to fall apart or one hurt another, she'd try to reconcile them and be a mediator between the two.

Laurence: Unlike what was going on with Fauxsefka, her tension with Laurence was more similar to animosity. Less heated but more 'genuine' conflicts, that stemmed from clashing ideologies rather than clashing temperaments. None of them wanted to become an "enemy" to each other, but it just so happened that Julie OFTEN had something to say against him. She, like Willem and Vasylissa, resented him wasting himself to the ambitions and the plan that was not promising much success in the long run; Laurence pretentiously expressed sadness about her being a very responsible and hard-working asset yet 'having' to always go against him... all that. The difference is that when Laurence would cringe and fail, Julie would feel genuinely concerned about his future, but should Julie make a mistake, Laurence would be gleeful.

9) Headcanons about their past

My impression about her is that if she'd always been the goodie-two-shoes A+ responsible pupil, she'd likely burn out by the time she enrolls in Byrgenwerth! So I'd say she used to be more mediocre kind of kid and teen, only developing the hard-working and respectful attitude over age. You know, as if to compensate for "missed" opportunities in the past!

She'd had a bit of a hard character since childhood, and unfortunately no help or guidance for it. Grown-ups would either not give her much mind as the "no fun" kid or try to make her smile by giving her candy or small gifts. Julie ended up even more aloof and sulky child, feeling like nobody could like her the way she was. It did not help that when she DID try to connect with her peers, they'd make light-hearted jokes about her deigning them with presence at last.. that only made her feel MORE reclusive.

But she'd find a productive outlet for her pent-up aggression in defending the bullied kids with her fists and winning! Along with that, she'd often do boring voluntary job for school all alone, just as long as she could be busy with something. Over time, that formed a circle of thankful, well-meaning people around her that remembered her kindness and other good traits even into young adulthood. None were quite close friends, but under sense of having 'contributed' to the society despite a rocky start in life, Julie started to grow softer.

Julie was one of the people who joined Byrgenwerth only 'after it became cool' (ie not for archeology, but for weird ancient arcane secrets)! She got an impression that over there, people had finally re-discovered something humanity needed but had lost and forgotten. It was a struggle though, as her parents tried to argue that she was on her way to 'simply study something interesting', that did not seem to promise much career opportunities. She felt very guilt and uneasy about her decision, that only had faded when she met Rom and formed a bond with her.

Thank you for asking me! <:3

[akindplace]

i have really bad health anciety and in genersl severe anxiety, ontop of ptsd, autism, and ocd and i dont Understand why the Fuck talking to anyone about my issues with any of the things i deal with, even a therapist, just..Does Not Work.

like..talking about my issues just makes my issues even Worse, but at the same time i need reassurance but getting said reassurance makes me more anxious and feel even worse and Guilty after a bit and i dont exactly know what to do and its frusterating as fuck.

I Want to tell friends but i dont want to like dump it all on them because im Bad with knowing when to stop talking because when im upset its hard for me to know when to stop talking because i cannot read social cues or subtext at all and thats a whole issue in itsself and i am just Overwhelmed as fuck about it

I don't know why either because it is not a professional on the area and I don't have the same personal experiences with it as you do. I think it would help if you asked the people you're talking to that they tell you if it becomes too much, and maybe discuss with a therapist how to actually get helpful therapy but also talk not necessarily about what happened but why you feel this way when addressing your issues. The thing is: completely opening up all of a sudden about your trauma is not the way to go, you should take it slowly. I did therapy for my issues with trauma and it requires different types of therapy (this one is called EMDR). There is also a process everyone goes through in therapy that when you face whatever you are going through, it's often very painful and distressing and it might make you not want to do it again. EMDR tackles this problem - the process of opening up and coping with things is very carefully done so it doesn't overwhelm you. Cognitive behavioral therapy is often practiced, but personally it doesn't help me as much as other types of therapy does and that is perfectly fine. There is DBT too that helps a lot with soothing myself. I forgot the name of the method my current therapist uses, but it works better. I don't it's healthy to put yourself in distress because what works for others doesn't work for you (which is okay because everyone's minds are different). Therapy is supposed to help, and it doesn't really help to feel so overwhelmed by talking about something that is so deep without building bridges between you and the therapist and going at it at your own pace and trying different methods of therapy too! You have a right to actually do therapy in a way that works for you, and to ask around until you find the right therapist. I know it may sound silly, but it does help me a lot to vent on my journal too. Some people do vent art too, and it gives them some release and I think it might help you, just don't vent a lot if it becomes overwhelming.

I know we are going through different things, and I hope you can find some relief, maybe none of what I said helps, maybe someone in the comments can help, maybe just sending this messaged help, but I hope it gets easier and less heavy. You don't deserve to carry this alone and in silence and I hope you find healthy ways to communicate that don't overwhelm you and that are adapted to your needs, because that is how treatment should be.

Idk anon. We're going through completely different things but I can relate to what you are feeling a lot.

[artsformyvoid]

1. Avoid caffeine

Caffeine is well-known as an anxiety inducerTrusted Source. But for me, drinking coffee has become such a habit that I often forget how sensitive I am to it.

When I’m feeling anxious or I’m anticipating those feelings — like before I use public transportation — I always make a conscious decision to stop drinking caffeine. This goes for caffeinated soft drinks too.

2. Avoid alcohol

Feelings of anxiety can be so overwhelming that you might feel the urge to have a cocktail to help you relax.

Although this may work in the short term, alcohol actually changes the levels of serotonin and other neurotransmitters in the brain, making your symptoms worse. In fact, you may feel more anxious after the alcohol wears off.

3. Write it out

One of the worst aspects of anxiety is not knowing why you feel nervous in the first place. You could be lying on an idyllic beach with the ocean waves lapping in the distance and still feel worried for absolutely no reason.

That’s when writing can help. It can be an effective way to explore how you feel, especially if talking out loud feels impossible.

Studies show that keeping a journal is actually a healthy way to deal with negative feelings and can help reduce stress.

Another study found that anxious test participants who wrote a few notes before the test about how they were feeling and what they were thinking performed better than those who didn’t.

4. Use fragrance

Lavender is well known for its calming properties. Keep a small bottle of lavender oil on hand for the scent, for when you feel anxious thoughts brewing.

If you practice mindfulness or meditation, try smelling lavender during your practice. Over time, you’ll associate the feeling of relaxation with that scent, making it even more effective.

Shop for lavender oil.

5. Talk to someone who gets it

If your feelings of anxiety are making it hard to function, you should speak to a health professional. But talking to friends can also help. I have friends who have an anxiety disorder too. When I’m feeling really bad, I send them a message telling them how I’m feeling.

They might have a new hack I can try, or they can point out something that might have acted as a trigger. But sometimes it’s just nice to vent to someone who knows how it feels to be in my shoes.

6. Find a mantra

I use positive affirmations every day to help manage my mood. I also have a different mantra that I repeat to myself when I’m feeling anxious.

I’ll tell myself, “This feeling is only temporary.” This helps me feel calm, especially if I’m on the verge of a panic attack. I also remind myself that I’ve survived panic attacks in the past and acknowledge that it’s all going to be okay as long as I’m patient with myself.

7. Walk it off

Sometimes, when you’re experiencing anxiety, it’s because of a buildup of adrenaline. Exercise — even if it’s just a walk — can help use up that extra adrenaline.

I often feel anxious when I haven’t moved around enough during the day, so walking is an excellent way for me to use up excess energy.

Walking outside in the fresh air can also improve your well-being. One studyTrusted Source found that people who took a walking trip in a wooded area had lowered production of stress hormones than when they remained in the city.

8. Drink water

You may not realize it, but not drinking enough water can make your anxiety symptoms worse. Dehydration can actually cause heart palpitations. This can lead to feelings of panic, which may trigger an anxiety attack.

Take a few moments to relax and drink a large glass of water and see if you feel any better.

9. Have some alone time

Having alone time is essential for me, and it helps me recharge my batteries and relax. If you’re feeling anxious, then find a reason to be alone. You could take a walk to the shop for some groceries, go to the gym, or clean the bathroom.

These are all clever little ways to find alone time without seeming rude. It’s also an opportunity to practice mindfulnessTrusted Source, which can reduce symptoms of anxiety and panic.

10. Turn off your phone

Being constantly plugged in is a modern-day curse that we all need to learn to live with.

Don’t be afraid to turn off your phone once in a while. Use it as a chance to practice mindfulness, go for a bath, or write down why you’re feeling anxious.

11. Have a bath

Do you find that your anxious thoughts are taking a toll on you both physically and mentally? This is common, and it can be a vicious cycle, making it hard to relax if your body is tense.

A hot bath with Epsom salts is great for relaxing your muscles, which can also help relax your mind.

Shop for Epsom salts.

I find a bath is also good for encouraging meditation, because external distractions like TV are gone.

12. Eat something

I can get so wrapped up in my day at work that I forget to eat anything until two in the afternoon. It’s an easy mistake to make, and I often only remember to eat because I start to experience feelings of fear or worry.

Low blood sugar can make you feel nervous, irritable, and anxious. Try eating something easy to digest like a banana. Then follow it up with a well-balanced meal with protein, carbohydrates, and vegetables.

[kill-your-authors]

SNK Rair Pair Week - Jeanconnie - Bad Weather

  (Rated M, CW for self-harm) 

          I woke this morning to find the apartment empty. I’d slept in, something I had already begun to do more often. Jean left a sticky-note on the remote letting me know he left to run a couple of errands. I sat on the couch, not quite ready to start my day.

           Rain pattered against the windows. It was the first rain of the season, that season being autumn. It had naturally rained many other times so far this year, but the first rain of autumn always stood out to me. I knew it was virtually indistinguishable from a rain that had happened two or three weeks ago, and I knew other people didn’t pay attention to the first rain of a season. People paid attention to the first snow of winter, but definitely not the first rain of autumn.

           It was different for me, because it marked the first day of the year I was susceptible to my seasonal depression, which happened, and had been happening, every year for as long as I could remember. When the skies turned a dreary gray, and leaves started to die, and grass turned yellow, and chilled rain doused the earth, I sunk into a darkness I was never able to claw my way out of entirely until spring, when the showers meant something else – the return of life. Flowers budding, animals coming out of hibernation, warmth permeating the air.

           Jean and I got together in the spring, and our infatuation had the most blissful afterglow through all of summer. By that fall, it wasn’t infatuation anymore. It wasn’t just liking the other a lot. A crush, a thing a fling. Whatever. He loved me by then, had to have, because he didn’t leave like everyone else I’d ever dated had, when they realized how far I wandered away from myself in fall. How difficult it was, to lure me back.

           Instead, we fought. We had gone months without the slightest hiccup, but after that first rain, we had our first fight – of many.

           The problem was, he wanted to help. Just like my parents, just like my siblings, just like my friends, just like my doctor, and just like my therapist, he wanted to help. And the problem with that was that he didn’t know what helping looked like. For him, helping meant fixing. If something was broken, you fixed it, right?

           But he couldn’t fix me. Not with doing more around the house. Not with working more often to pay more than his share. Not with surprising me with a vacation out of state. Not with helping me with my homework load. Not with giving me gifts, complimenting me, or doing all the work in bed. Nothing worked, and Jean didn’t know how to help if nothing could help, and when nothing could help, he got impatient. Frustrated. Angry.

           I wasn’t appreciated of him enough. I wasn’t happy with him. I must not love him anymore. I wasn’t putting enough effort into getting better.

           This eventually turned into I had no reason to be sad. I had a great life. A roof over my head, food in the fridge, running water, a warm bed. I was going to school for my dreams, not for money. My parents accepted me, accepted us, and were still in my life. I had a boyfriend who loved me, who would do anything for me, who was doing everything for me. What the fuck did I have to be sad about?

           By then, I almost wished he would leave like the others had. It would have been easier for both of us, and I wanted that, truly, I wanted that even for him, even after what he said. I understood. Over the years, I had seen what my depression did to others in my life. It was like a person drowning – sometimes they were so frantic to be saved, so desperate to get above the surface, that they pulled the lifeguard down with them. That was what I would do to others if I didn’t let myself drown in silence.

           Finally, I told him I was breaking up with him.

           “With me? You’re the one breaking up with me?” he spit. But I could see the fear in his eyes. The way his hands trembled.

           “Yeah, I guess,” I said.

           “’I guess’?” he repeated. “Wow. I – I must not mean very much to you. And after everything you’ve put me –”

           “That’s not it,” I said. My voice was monotone. It always was this time of year. If this was happening in the summer, I’d be sobbing.

           “Then what is?”

           “Because I don’t want to keep putting you through this,” I said. He wasn’t the first person in my life to have accused me of putting them through something. Like I would do this on purpose. Like I wanted this. Like I thought this was fun.

           Jean’s cheeks flared. “I’m sorry, Connie. It’s just hard.”

           “You’re telling me,” I said. “I have to live with it. I can’t just break up with it and set myself free. If it was that easy, believe me, I would.”

           Jean was quiet for a moment, breathing heavily, and then very purposefully, not as heavy. His fierce eyes went soft. “I would take it from you, if I could. I’m sorry I can’t.”

           This was the first he’d acknowledged that it wasn’t something he could fix. That I wasn’t something he could fix.

           “It’s okay. It’s not your fault,” I said.

           “It’s not yours either.”

           I shrugged.

           He sighed. “Please. I don’t want to breakup.”

           I arched an eyebrow. “You sure? It would make things a lot easier for you.”

           “No. It wouldn’t,” he said. “Living without you would not be easier, Connie.”

           My eyes teared up, but I blinked it back. I cried a lot during the fall, but silently, and in private. I didn’t want to cry in front of him right then especially. Not when I still wasn’t convinced this was the end. I needed him to believe I’d be okay without him, or he wouldn’t leave, and then all I’d be doing is holding him hostage.

           I cleared my throat. “This isn’t going away. It’s part of me. If you live with me, you live with it.”

           Jean nodded. His eyes met mine. They were rimmed red.

           “Tell me what to do,” he said. “I just – just need something I can do. Anything. I can’t just see you in pain and not – I can’t. It’s not in me.”

           I glanced out the window. It was dark and had been since I got home from work, which was well before dinner time. I hated the dark. The rain sounded like static.

           “I just need you to be there with me,” I said, quietly. “Wait it out. Like a storm.”

           Jean’s eyes widened in understanding. This made sense to him. He’d grown up in the Midwest just as I had. We both knew that when a storm hit, or a tornado, there was no running, no preventing, no minimizing the damage. All you could do was hunker down somewhere safe and wait for it to pass. Keep each other company while you did. Distract each other. Comfort each other.

           “Okay,” he said. “I can do that. I will do that.”

           And he had. The following fall was easier for him. Not for me, but for him. Most nights he held me for a long time, not saying anything. Letting me cry, letting me vent, letting me do nothing if that was what I wanted to do. He didn’t attempt do more than his share of work around the house, or increase his hours at his job, or pay more than half on our bills. But he didn’t get mad when he had to remind me to do something, or when I put off doing something that needed doing, or when I didn’t do something as well as I should have. He drove me to and from the therapist, and reminded me to journal, to take my meds, and to set timers to eat and go to bed. On one occasion, I cut myself, and he’d been distraught, but fought the instinct to yell while cleaning the wound for me. We didn’t fight.

           Halfway through winter, something changed. It became easier for me too. I didn’t continue to wander further from myself. I felt like I could finally keep my head – at least my nose – above water. I didn’t hurt myself again and never felt the need to. My doctor halved my dose shortly after the peak days of darkness in the winter. Instead of seeing my therapist three days a week, I saw her twice. It was the best I’d ever done. Jean wondered what was different, and I struggled to tell him that it both was and wasn’t because of him.

           It wasn’t because of him in the ways people thought, and the way he once thought it could be because of him. It wasn’t because we were just so in love, and he just made me so happy, and he was just so understanding and patient and caring that I just couldn’t be sad, which was what people thought should ease depression.

           It was because I wasn’t going through it alone.

           And ever since, it had been easier. Not gone, not fixed, not cured. But easier.

           I inhaled deeply, exhaled thoroughly, and smiled. I knew sadness was one its way, but it wasn’t here yet and wouldn’t stay forever, so I could be happy now. I walked across the living room and shut the curtains. Then I turned on the tv and turned the volume up so that I wouldn’t have to hear the rain.

           Shortly after, Jean walked through the front door, hoodie soaked and hair flinging like a dog.

           “Hey,” he said, smiling. He sat next to me on the couch and wrapped an arm around me. “You okay? You look okay. Why are you okay?”

           The first rain of the season meant something to him now too. I shrugged.

           “What’d you get?” I asked.

           He dropped the bag he was carrying and it slammed harder than I was expecting against the floor. “A sunlamp. A weighted blanket. Coffee. Sleep aids. And like – a whole carton of chocolate bars.”

           I grinned at him. “Stocking up for a storm?”

           He shrugged, bashfully, and looked away from me. “It’s that time of year.”

           I pulled his hand into mine and laced our fingers together. “I love you,” I said to him, but what I really meant was I love the way you love me.

[fairycosmos]

hi chloe idk if youll see this but i only have a year left until college and i live in an abusive household. no one understands me and my mom and dad especially don't. my older sister doesnt seem to hold the patience to listen to whenever i do try and call her once annually. i dont know how much longer i can hold on. it literally hurts my mind so much thinking about all of it, especially after abusive episodes from them. im scared to live alone but i just cant wait to

gosh im so sorry to hear that love :( while i’m proud of you for making it this far and for being able to talk about it with me, it’s really awful that you’ve had to deal with it for so long, and that it’s happening to you in the first place. especially during your adolescence, which is a time when we’re all super impressionable. a time when we all feel like nothing is ever going to change. and i can definitely relate to nobody even taking the time to understand you, and to feeling like you’re being overlooked or forgotten. when we experience something like this our brains often to try to make sense of the actions of those around us by turning towards self blame, and internalizing all the negativity + manipulating it into self hatred. but i think its important to remember that you are not responsible for what others do, in this context. how they choose to treat you is not a reflection of you or of what you deserve, alright? your sister’s selfishness is a trait of her own. your parent’s anger is a result of their lack of control and self regulation. none of this is on you. it may be hard to truly believe that in this moment, but nonetheless i think it’s a sentiment you should try to keep close to your heart. it’s not your fault that you have been failed by the people who were supposed to protect you, and it doesn’t mean that any future bonds you form will turn out the same way. it’s normal to want to give up at times, but you must know that there’s a difference between temporarily feeling that way and actually acting on it in a very permanent way. i said this another anon the other day, but i mean it just as much: you have so much waiting for you. and you didn’t survive all of that for nothing. once you’re in college and you have autonomy over your own life, once you get to choose how much time you spend with your parents and how much you let them in - all of the pain and toxic beliefs you’ve built your world view around will begin to slowly dissipate. and that may be a life long process, but it’s supposed to be. you have all of the time in the world to build your own existence and to heal from what’s happened to you. there are so many different tools to utilize, paths to walk down and people to meet who will show you what it’s like to be truly loved. including yourself, the person you will grow into. if you just give yourself the chance. i know it’s not that much comfort in this moment because you still have to deal with your parents and their bullshit, but it’s good to consciously remind yourself of all the good that is out there. when you’re an anxious and hurt person, it’s common to suffer from a sense of impending doom or failure, but the reality of it will be so much more of a calm, gradual process than you realize.

that being said, i’m quite worried that you’re still in this situation and that your parents are just okay with periodically putting you through ‘episodes’. it’s NOT okay. and you have every right to process hurt, anger, bitterness, sadness, numbness because of it. while it may be painful, there is no shame in crying or in feeling whatever you need to feel. it’s a normal human response to such emotional turmoil, so try to go easy on yourself honey. you’re doing what you can with what you’ve been given. however, it’s important to understand that the presence of these negative emotions is never an excuse to harm yourself or worse. i understand that it’s extremely overwhelming, and that it may sometimes feel beyond your control. but even just attempting to put some positive coping mechanisms in place may make all the difference, even if they don’t work every single time. this can be anything from creating a safe space for yourself (in your room, or could be somewhere outside like the park or a library) to researching breathing techniques and self affirmations, to journaling or venting to your friends, to meditation to finding a comfort hobby/show to simply lying in bed and sobbing the feelings out and then going to sleep, maybe practicing some self care. every small effort counts, even if it feels like the dumbest thing in the world. if you keep it up on a semi consistent basis, you will notice a shift eventually. it’s possible to hurt and grow at the same time. i also think it could be a good idea to consider reaching out to someone about this - perhaps a school counselor, or a mental health hotline, or a support group in your area. maybe make an appointment with your doctor to see if they can recommend any resources, if possible? whatever works for you. i just really think it’s important that you understand on a very fundamental level that you have every right to talk about what’s going on, and that there are so many ppl out there who understand. who have even been through the same thing, and survived after it and thrived. i know this is one of those suggestions that feels very scary and like you just can’t do it, but if there’s any service available to you i’d really recommend utilizing it, or at least not ignoring the option all together. having someone you can be honest with and who can enable you to develop some self esteem, plus some added perspective so you don’t feel as ‘trapped’, will really make it all feel a little less heavy. consistent therapy/counseling will show you how to unlearn all of the mental habits you’ve developed over the years due to the treatment you’ve endured, and you deserve that relief. i get that it all feels like a lot of effort, and i’m not saying that doing this stuff is a quick fix. i’m saying that you have a life and an existence that is worth investing in, that is worth caring about. you are worth the world, FUCK your parents for making you question that due to their own mental and emotional issues. regardless of your past, you’re here and you deserve better. you will find better. you’re so much closer to getting ‘out’ than you realize. while it’s normal to be scared of living alone, humans adapt quite quickly. and you wont be alone in the way that you imagine, you’ll simply have agency over your own choices. like i said before, there are so many ppl who are going to show you what it’s like to truly treasured, who you haven’t even met yet. it’s just a matter of treating yourself softly, the way you’d treat a friend going through a hard time, until you get to that point. and also a matter of knowing your parents are full of shit. but anyway, this got far too long. i just have a lot to say, i hate how adults choose to have babies and then do this to them.....if you want to talk about it properly, or if you need a friend or anything. please feel free to send me a message. i’ll be here, and i believe in you !! one day at a time 💌

[too-loud-but-not-enough]

Know when to breath (Robbie Reyes x Male Reader)

Hey guys, I just wanted to say something about my last post even if some people don’t think its a big deal. 

I want to say sorry for the GIF I used for my last imagine story. I should have used a more diverse set to represent the male reader instead of just putting someone who has a similar skin tone to myself. I was putting myself into the story when I should have made it open for all because thats what I want. I want everyone to be able to imagine themselves as part of the story and be valid.

Imagine: You feeling like people take you for granted yet still wanting to be generous in helping your friends. Robbie notices and you two share a one on one.

The feeling of neglect weighed heavily on you. Whether it be when the space joining your neck and shoulders ached, your cheeks seemed to sag and your eyebrows felt like they were pushing themselves down, even when you felt a grasp around your ribcage, as if someone was hugging you from behind while prying your chest open from the front. Sometimes it would feel the opposite. Like your ribcage would fold in on itself as if you were wearing a corset. It wasn’t fun yet you felt it was a necessary evil. You were a listener. 

You hardly ever felt the need to speak up for what you identified as trivial unless it was for your friends. Quite hypocritical but that was how you worked. To your friends, all throughout your school years and into your adult life, you were the designated therapist of the group. When they had something to say, they could go on for hours if they so pleased. Sometimes they would even act as if you owe them a listening session when you were unavailable. It got on your nerves yet you didn’t want to cause conflict. You were very aware of the one-sided relationships you had and knew if you were to bring it up, they would most likely feel attacked. 

This is why you kept to yourself a lot. Not that you closed yourself off or anything but didn’t completely go out of your way to see your friends like you used to. You couldn’t help but feel tired though. You were one of those people who thought too deep into things and it usually spent the energy you needed to get through the day. 

Right now you were walking home from your job. Today had been fairly active, what with one of your friends coming in to your workplace to talk about this boy she’d been dating for months. As much as you liked being the listener to her problems, was there literally nothing else she could talk about? You’d met the guy and he seemed alright but now she just kept talking about missing him after a day apart. Also it didn’t help that she once outed you without your permission by loudly claiming you were her gay best friend. 

You were still waiting for that apology. 

That aside, you were able to listen and now you were home free. The keys jingled as you twisted them in the lock. The house was empty when you walked in. No Robbie or Gabe which dampened your mood a bit more since they were people you had absolutely no problem listening to. You decided to busy yourself and bake to pass the time. 

You spent your time mixing flower, milk, eggs, and other ingredients including broken up chocolate bars into a boll to make the mix for a batch of cookies. After carefully laying them out on the tray, you placed them in the oven to bake. Just as you were setting the timer, you nearly jumped out of your skin when you felt a pair of leather clad arms find their way around your waist. While you emerged yourself in producing the treats, you’d become oblivious to Robbie and Gabe entering the home. 

Both seeing you completely immersed in baking that you hadn’t noticed them walk in. Robbie content in just watching you. Loving the sight of you focused on something you enjoyed without a worry to anything else, different from how he saw you throughout the day whenever he came to check or when you dropped by the shop to make sure he was ok with the stress you knew he went through. Gabe smiled at the both of you, enjoying the view of something somewhat domestic, something he hadn’t really considered would happen but then again, he hadn’t really expected Robbie to find a guy as caring and accepting as you for a boyfriend. Then again, Robbie would of course find someone who he’d be expected to protect. Thing was thats exactly what you did instead. Guiding him through stressful situations to which Gabe was grateful. He caught Robbie’s attention by cocking his head in the direction of his room, signalling he’d leave them be.

Robbie nodded his head in thanks. After his brother rolled off to his room somehow going unnoticed by you still, The mechanic snuck up behind you as you were closing the door to the oven. He grinned when you jumped at his touch. Happy that you felt safe enough to not have noticed his arrival. You reached your arms around his to return the hug “Hey, sorry I didn’t hear you come in”. The feeling of his stubble on your neck accompanied by his lips caused warmth to spread through you, having you revel in his touch. 

He smirked at your apology, knowing it was one of your habits. "I didn't want to stop you while you were at it". Placing a kiss at the nape of your neck, he paused when he felt the stiffness under the skin. "Mi Amore," he gave you a concerned look, lightly rubbing his hand between your shoulder and neck "you're all tense".

You almost didn't hear him. The pressure and friction his hand made with your muscles pulled you into a little world of your own, like you were in a soothing wirlpool that threatened to swallow you whole. Melding with it without a care in the world. The feeling almost made you moan. 

Robbie's concern mixed with a smile as he felt you leaning into his touch. “Y/N?”.

“Oh!” You startled out of your mini trance, you seemed to be doing that a lot “Sorry, just been a bit busy at work and stuff”. Your dismissive response earned a frown from your boyfriend. 

“What stuff? Like friends?” Yeah Robbie knew about your friends and your listening habits, another reason why he loved you yet one of the reasons he worried. Sneaking his hand back around your waist, he hooked his chin on the nape of your neck where he’d been pressing. “What happened?”.

You sighed, feeling him against you always got you into a calmer state. “Nothing much, just some talk, honestly its nothing”. At that you heard him give a growl of sorts, not of anger, you knew that but a mixture of concern and frustration. You were prone to neglecting your own feelings for the sake of others. 

“Y/N” he growled out, squeezing you closer to him “you can’t just say its nothing when it takes a toll on you”. 

He checked the timer on the oven and saw that it had another 18 minutes to go. “Come on” he said pulling you with him out of the kitchen and guided you to your shared bedroom. You sat on the bed with your legs crossed waiting as he went to ask Gabe to handle the cookies before walking back into the room and seating himself on the bed across from you. 

“Now” he said looking you dead in the eyes as a method of letting you know he wanted you to speak “what happened?”.

You didn’t feel like you could brush this off like usual so you decided you’d at least give some detail. “I guess I’m just tired” you stated which he nodded at. 

“Tired of what?”. 

“Tired of feeling like I work two jobs instead of one, like every time I go to work. I just want to do that, work” you sighed. 

Robbie gave you a look of sympathy as you had done for him plenty of times when he vented which prompted you to go on. “But even then, people keep coming to me and saying things at me which yeah I’m happy to help but I also have a job to do. Then with my friends I feel like I’m just there trying to figure out what to say in response to what they’re saying but its so dull! Like how many times do I have to hear jasmine talk about her fucking boyfriend? Like I want to tell her that if she considers breaking up with him so much then she should shut up and do it but then she’ll get depressed and whine about missing him for a year until someone else shows up!”. You realised your voice had risen to the point where you were sure Gabe could hear you from the other room. Your posture had straightened up making you seem taller than before and your face had done its natural brows down murder look. All the while you’d begun to look down at the bedsheets as if you were speaking to them instead of Robbie.

Looking up, you saw Robbie’s face in a state of silent surprise and sympathy. You hate how you lost your temper and caused that look. You hated seeing when someone had a look of shock or disgust and it was aimed at you. To you it always meant that you had failed their expectations and that you weren’t worth their time anymore. 

“Sorry”

“Wait what?” Robbie didn’t know what you were apologising for. He new it was one of your habits but he got why you would be frustrated. He reached over and rubbed a hand on your bicep “you’re allowed to be frustrated and I would be too if someone went on about the same thing over and over again”.

He was always so sweet to you but you still felt guilty for the outburst. “Yeah, I just feel like all I do is listen and they don’t really listen back and when they do they keep getting it back to them.”

You realised how light you felt after saying all that, all the stress leaving your body. You realised it had been a while since you felt like this. Not that you didn’t have moments like this with Robbie and vice versa. It was just wasn’t this type of thing that you got to do often with other people. You tried your best to get through it. You kept a journal yet you can only write so much and place so many feelings into the pages that it was expected you’d still have some to brew over. With Robbie though. Talking to him like he did to you felt like a whole breath of fresh air. No. It felt as iff you’d been swimming in a sewer, finally slipping into cleaner waters without all the pollution gripping to your skin like algae. 

Robbie moved over next to you, wrapping you up in his arms as he nuzzled into your neck. You couldn’t help the giggle the escaped your lips when you felt the softness of his lips mixed with his stubble brushing against your usually shaved neck. You felt content and he could tell. You were so relaxed now he was ready if you were to fall asleep right there and then. The sound he got from you made him smile into your skin. He was so happy he could give you the release you craved even when you didn’t ask for it. 

He never wanted you to ask for it. Because you deserved it even when you felt you didn’t. 

It was the same for him and you never wavered from supporting.

The two of you stayed there, peaceful and happy before you shot up to the smell of burning.

“THE COOKIES!”

“GABE!”

[uncloseted]

i don't know what i'm going to do with my life, i feel like my life is a car making it's way to a dead end. i've never been to school so i don't have any qualifications to be able to work a normal job and my family can't afford to help me get a high school diploma. my mum lost her job so my uncle is the only working member in our house, he's turning 50 in a two weeks and it scares me more than it scares him. he can't keep working forever and i can tell that he doesn't enjoy it. (1)

the older i get the more i realise that the likelihood of me achieving my dreams is incredibly low. i've looked up menial jobs but all of them require a year 9 certificate, i don't even have that. next year i'll be legally responsible for my own shit because i turn 18 in may which isn't far away and i'm freaking out because i know that if god-forbid anything happened to my uncle we'd end up homeless and that petrifies me beyond words. i know its a bit "woe is me" to think like that but i (2) can't help but worry. i sit at home all day doing absolutely nothing. i just read books and go on social media trying to escape from reality. i hate the fact that everytime i think of my future, my immediate reaction is fear. i need to find a job ASAP, i can tell that bills are tight atm and i want to help but i don't know how. i've seriously considered becoming a stripper but that idea was shut down as soon as i realised i'm uncoordinated and have a flat arse. (3)

i want to try my hand in writing but i'm not sure where to start. i have a lot of ideas but often struggle to put them into words so that puts writing in the category of a pipe-dream than a possible reality. where i live jobs like working the till in a supermarket, clothing shop assistants and even bar tending all require a high school degree at least. i don't know if it's worth it to go on site and ask for an interview. sorry for flooding your inbox but I just needed vent / some advice

No worries!  I’m happy to listen and help if I can.  It’s a really hard situation you’ve been put in, and it’s way more than any 17 year old should have to deal with.  But the good news is that there’s always a way to improve your situation, and your life really is in your control.  Without knowing where you are in the world, giving specific advice on what your options are is a little bit difficult, but I’m going to try my best.... if you’re in the US, your best bet for long term success is to take the GED.  It’s a high school equivalency exam and will basically let you have a high school diploma without having to go back to actual school, and that will open up more options to you.  Your local library may have GED classes, and there are also a ton of resources online to help you prepare for it. From there, you can do community college to get qualifications or to learn a trade. If you’re in the UK, your best option is probably to take night classes towards a vocation.  

In the meantime, there are jobs you can apply for that won’t require a high school diploma or GED. Some common ones that don’t require a degree (at least in the US) include home health aide, construction worker, food service, warehouse or stock associate, cleaner, receptionist/secretary, food delivery, and truck driving (although you will likely need an additional license for that).  In the US, Indeed has a section specifically for companies that are hiring positions that don’t require a high school diploma.  They have international sites as well, so I would imagine that those have the same sections.  I would also go to restaurants, stores, bars, groceries, etc. in your area and see if they’re willing to hire you.  A lot of companies will say that they have a policy about how much education they require, but in reality they need workers and are willing to take what they can get.

Another option is to work online.  Some possibilities in that realm include freelance writing, transcribing or translating, moderating, virtual assistant, market researcher/survey taker, telephone mystery shopper, telephone interviewer, telemarketer, data entry, call reviewers, website testing, and chat agent. It will probably take a bit of applying to lots of websites and seeing what works, but there are a lot of opportunities out there and they may be worth pursuing.  If you have a lot of time on your hands, there are tons of websites that will teach you tech-related skills like programming, graphic design, and UX/UI design.  Those fields have a ton of remote positions available, don’t really care about your education, and can be very lucrative if you’re good at it.  It may be worth working on developing those skills.

As far as writing goes, it’s really just practice.  If you’re interested in creative writing, a writing prompt challenge can be a good way to start.  Basically, you get a different prompt each day and have to write on that topic.  It’s a good way to get practice even if you’re creatively uninspired, and it doesn’t take a ton of time or resources.  If you’re interested in nonfiction and journalism, there are a lot of resources online that can teach you those skills- try here, here, here, and here for some resources.

I hope at least some of this is helpful to you.  Let me know if there’s anything more I can help you figure out.

[golden-witch]

Rosa, Rosa, why are you such an idiot?

Hey! I wrote up a long character analysis of Rosa for fun. I hope you enjoy it.

[Read the full post under read more]

The narration mentions in Episode 2 that Rosa still feels like a child because she can’t accept and overcome her trauma which makes her an incapable mother. The banquet scene during the Tea Party has always been one of my favorite scenes in Umineko for its more somber aspects, something both the manga and the anime neglect in order to focus more on the horror themes. I’ll link it here because it’s the most important point of consideration when analyzing Rosa’s character. It certainly leaves an impression of what her childhood was like.

Some people were surprised to learn that Krauss and Eva were full fledged adults when they abused Rosa. If Eva and Krauss are in their 50’s and Rosa is In her early 30’s, that puts about a 20 year age difference between them! This isn't a case of sibling rivalry such as Eva vs. Krauss-- this is the abuse of a child by her adult siblings. We don't know the exact numbers, but we can assume Rosa is closer in age to the cousins than her eldest brother and sister. They suggest this several times in the story when Battler notes her odd position in the family. Rosa is treated as neither an adult nor child and is continuously forced out of conversations with her siblings. (Think of the scene in episode 2 where Kyrie manipulates Rosa to leave the room by gently reminding her that she's left Maria outside.) She acts submissively towards them and follows their guidance. This is likely why 12 year old Battler got the impression that she was “sweet”.

There's also the issue of her parents, who we can assume were neglectful if not equally abusive. I would imagine Kinzo would want as little to do with her as possible; he would have little incentive to raise her as she was a girl and because he was already committed to Beatrice II (who grew up alongside her). Rosa’s relationship with her mother is suggested to be strained (when Rosa talks about running away from home because she did badly on an exam), and I think-- as is the case with the other adults-- that she doesn’t remember the woman fondly.

The way Rosa behaves supports my impression that she grew up in a household where she was undervalued. It’s reasonable to assume she threw herself at the first man who treated her with the slightest bit of compassion and who offered her an opportunity to leave Rokkenjima. His character ended up being flimsy, but someone of Rosa’s background wouldn’t be able to notice the warning signs of abandonment. Rosa believes he left because of her pregnancy, but you could make the argument that he purposefully conned her and dumped her once he had the money Kinzo lent him. Having never been wanted before, Rosa would accept his behavior to feel desirable.

The relationship Rosa had with Maria’s father is one of two romantic relationships mentioned in the story, the other being her fling with the married man in Maria’s book (classy). I don’t know how accurately I can say this reflects all of her romantic endeavors, but we do know that Maria never makes note of any men who might have come in and out of her life. It seems that Rosa doesn’t bring her lovers home out of fear they will leave her due to Maria (as she believes her ex did), so I think the relationships were very shallow. Bringing a boyfriend or girlfriend home with her would have been a step in deepening their bond, but Rosa pushes them away perhaps out of fear they will one day leave her (#abandonment issues). She is in favor of short-term romances with a low level of commitment. This is why I can’t stand when people try to argue that the scene of Rosa in bed with her lover in episode 4 is just “Ange’s fabrication”! Everything about Rosa screams that was the truth of the situation.

“So Rosa sacrifices her time to have passionate one-night stands with guys she doesn’t even care about?” Sort of-- she feeds off of the attention they give her. It’s not very important who her lovers are so long as they acknowledge her as her family did not. She craves the external validation she was denied in childhood. There’s also something to be said about sex as a means of claiming adulthood. I can totally see why someone so insecure of their maturity would go so far.

I could talk a lot about what I make of Rosa’s relationship with other adults. If you want to discuss that further, totally send me an ask, but I’d like to dedicate the later half of the analysis to Maria. This is where I have to give a major content warning for discussions of violent child abuse.

The story alludes strongly to the idea that Maria is most likely on the autism spectrum. I don’t know if it’s canon, but after hearing from autistic fans that Maria resembles their experiences, I feel comfortable saying that she’s neurodivergent. It’s not my place and not within the scope of this essay to make claims about Maria’s mental health, but we should take into account how her behavior affects her relationship with her mother. Nothing Maria does is “abnormal” for a child (I would argue there are no abnormal children); Rambler once answered an ask about a “what if” scenario where Maria was neurotypical and gave the answer that it probably wouldn’t matter in terms of Rosa abusing her. Rosa vents her anger towards Maria. It doesn’t matter if she is a “problem child” or not.

Maria is continuously said to be different from her peers, and differences breed scorn. Rosa wants Maria to be “normally” behaved so she will be acknowledged as a good parent and an adult. Kids are seen as reflections of their parents, and she sees Maria as a threat to her reputation-- especially in front of her siblings, who openly mock her. Ironically, Rosa plays into this expectation; she was considered incompetent as a child and incompetent as an adult. She wants to defy that expectation so badly that she ends up beating her child. It’s a cycle she puts no effort into breaking. For that she should be seen as a deplorable character and an abuser. I believe Ryukishi wanted it to be obvious that Rosa is a neglectful and irresponsible, sometimes violent mother.

Let’s break down their relationship.

Rosa-- at her heart-- cares about Maria’s wellbeing. She acknowledges she should have been a more accepting mother and recognizes that her actions were wrong-- Most notably in episode 8 in the Golden Land. Unfortunately, she is only able to consider mending her relationship with Maria in retrospect since she is, of course, at that point dead.  I believe this indicates that she had the capacity to change her behavior, and it a better universe, she would be able to become a good parent. This is all hypothetical, though there is enough in the story to hint that this was a strong possibility had Sayo not given up on the family. If only someone had intervened successfully…

Ryu also wants us to consider that Rosa is protective of Maria against outside threats. He refers to her as both a mother bear and a mother wolf who will bear fangs when her child is in danger. The story supports this in episode 2 when Rosa fights to protect her daughter from the goats. On the contrary, it is suggested that Rosa’s abuse of Maria stems from how others interpret Maria’s behavior. I don’t really understand how Rosa can both be “protective” of Maria and brutal towards her daughter depending on external threats. I think this is supposed to be further evidence (intentional or not) that Rosa is unbalanced and acts inconsistently.

It was exceedingly difficult for Rosa to manage raising a child. Her polarizing behavior was what led Maria to come up with the “white witch/black witch” concept since a child couldn’t make sense of something so complex. Rosa explains during episode 2 that she often spoiled Maria, and this is seen in episode 4 when she takes Maria out for dessert at a restaurant she can’t afford. This is exemplary of Rosa’s genuine feelings of affection for Maria which she is at a loss for ways to convey. A girl who grew up rich and neglected may see objects as a means to soothe wounds. Her lingering guilt causes her to feed into Maria’s material wants without considering her emotional needs. She overcompensates with gifts. Maria would cry and demand presents, and Rosa would either buy into it to satisfy her or beat her into submission. Neither of these are good parenting!

The reason why CPS is notified about Rosa’s behavior has to do with parental neglect; Rosa left Maria by herself for too long for too many times. We know from Maria’s diary that Rosa was often absent and used the excuse that she was working late into the night and for days at a time, and we know of one instance where Rosa lied and instead went on vacation. However, we can’t say that Rosa was always on vacation when she left Maria alone. I personally believe that Rosa would engage in some unhealthy working habits to offset the cost of her frivolous lifestyle.

More headcanons that I have are that these bursts in irregular behavior for Rosa happened clustered together. Basically, Rosa would irresponsibly work for multiple days straight and then impulsively abandon her daughter to go on vacations in a predictable pattern. I believe Rosa suffers from bipolar II-- the sort of self-sabotaging behavior she engages in is evidence. She wants her business to succeed, but risks its stability. She wants to be a good mother, but she abuses Maria. Her sudden fits of rage and violent mood swings could be connected to this because it's a common symptom for those with mood disorders. I don't think it's out of the question to say that she was suffering from a manic episode during the period Maria writes about in her journal. This isn't to say that people with bipolar II are abusers, I'm just suggesting some of her behavior can be explained this way. This comes from my own experiences and observations, so please don’t take my word for it. I’m just offering up an interpretation.

Anyway, if you want to hear more about Rosa as an abuser, and why she’s responsible for her actions, check it out here!

[berenshand]

I'm looking to become an english teacher too and I was curious what your path was or if you had any advice? You don't have to answer this if you dont want to, thank you much!

?????? this is such an exciting message to get??? i could write advice for days. i think you mean education-path-advice, but I was all ready to type out teacher advice lmao. (that’s another post i guess).

Advice on Becoming a Teacher from Someone Who Had No Intention of Becoming a Teacher:

1) If you have a feeling about something, go for it, even if you’re scared. It might not work, but you will always regret not trying.

2) Listen to the people who know you really well. This doesn’t mean you should always take their advice, but always listen.

3) Find someone to vent/complain to and tell them everything bc you will need to get it out. Alternatively, journal that shit.

4) Some days you will hate being a teacher bc some days it feels like end of Doctor Strange when he gets horribly murdered 487 times and keeps coming back for more. Keep coming back for more bc the good days make the bad days worth it.

5) It’s okay if you don’t feel like you love all your kids. Bc some of them will be racist or bring knives to school. The important thing is to treat them the way you want them to treat people, which is to say don’t let them get away with a damn thing. In the end, I think that’s more like love than letting them do whatever they want or pretending to have a warm fuzzy feeling that isn’t really there.

6) University is hard, and teaching is harder. In spite of this, teaching is far more fun than university. Contemplate dropping out as much as you like, but don’t actually do it. It will be worth it one day.

7) Choose one day a week where you do no school stuff. Try to make it the same day every week.

8) Apologize for talking about school and your kids constantly but don’t stop talking about them constantly.

9) Talk to the people in your Education program. You may not become best friends but its free commiseration therapy for both parties and someday you may end up teaching at the same school so you’ll have a pre-made co-worker buddy which is the best thing ever if you’re new, bc you’ll have someone to ask the dumb questions that you’re intimidated to ask the seasoned teachers and you can figure stuff out together. Alternatively, befriend the other new teachers at your school (or the new-est teacher).

10) You’re supposed to want every kid to succeed, but sometimes (especially if you teach higher grades) there will be kids who fail your class or a test or a project and they will deserve it. Do not waste time feeling bad about it.

11) Check your drafts often in case you forgot to send a really important reply that’s time sensitive.

12) It’s hard to think about anything other than Education when you’re in Education. It’s hard to think about anything other than teaching when you’re a teacher. Make an effort with your non-teacher friends anyway. You need a different perspective sometimes.

13) Remember that someday you will get a full night’s rest again. Not everyday, but some days. More days than you might think, even.

[chamerionwrites]

This is a vent post so fair warning for unpopular and irritable (and thus probably unfair at points) opinions, but:

Even as someone with many intense opinions about journalism and a tendency to hold quiet but lasting journalistic grudges (there are a number of otherwise decent reporters whose work I always hesitate to link to because occasionally I’m a petty bitch and there was That One Time They Wrote An Article So Facile That It Outright Offended Me), a solid 80% of the fuss people make about how X media outlet is biased still makes me roll my eyes very hard.  

I’m not talking about freaking Infowars here, and I’m certainly not saying that we shouldn’t point out editorial slant, or criticize the corporate structure of media or the way economic and access incentives influence reporting. But...listen. It might be a bit harsh to say it this way, but you shouldn’t be letting any media outlet do your thinking for you. “Read critically” should go without saying. “Don’t rely on a single source” should go without saying. “Media outlets (ALL of them) have an editorial slant” should go without saying. I’m not claiming we should never say these things. It’s important to say these things! Tumblr especially is full of teenagers who are growing into their political opinions and critical reading skills, and this is a good thing, not an excuse to sneer at people who are learning. But it’s tiresome when people point this stuff out as if they’ve descended from on high to impart hard-won secret knowledge to the ignorant masses. This is Media Literacy 101. Behaving like these are revolutionary ideas just makes you look like a posturing fool. 

(Again, yes, that’s slightly mean and in my day-to-day life I try to give people the benefit of the doubt for good intentions, but this is a vent post about a small thing that I find intensely annoying. I did warn you.)

The more informed you are about a subject, the less likely it is that ANY media outlet will always report on that subject in a way you approve of. If I held a grudge against every news outlet that’s ever published an idiotic article about Central American politics, then I wouldn’t read the news - which would rather defeat the point. What’s more, a single outlet often runs multiple pieces from different journalists on a specific story, and just because one of them is shallow doesn’t mean another one isn’t smart. Part of media literacy is figuring out which journalists know their subject and write about it with context and care. 

Incidentally this is the reason that I am currently - simultaneously - irritated with the New York Times for removing bylines from its homepage, and annoyed by smug leftists who treat not reading the NYT as a point of ideological pride. Obviously there is plenty to criticize, but criticism that takes the form of “Oh but the NYT is bad” is just...facile. What’s bad? The op-ed page? The puff-piece profiles of white nationalists? Every one of the hundreds of journalists who write articles for them? What about the freelancers who publish in multiple outlets? Do you actually know the names of these people? Would you recognize their byline if it appeared in an outlet you trust more, and would that magically make their reporting more credible (or, conversely, taint the outlet you trust with mainstream media cooties)? A significant current issue in US-American journalism is that reporters who work abroad have a tougher time pitching stories because the news cycle (and the public) is consumed with Trump’s antics; are you willing to forego the coverage of international issues (badly slanted sometimes, yes! that’s what fact-checking is for!) that a big mainstream outlet with a lot of resources can provide? Do I really have to add a fucking disclaimer every time I tell someone to read the NYT, or can I do my readers the courtesy of assuming they’re intelligent adults who are capable of critical thinking without a bunch of leftists concern-trolling in the tags? Because while we’re on the subject, I honestly think one of the (many) problems with today’s journalism is this kind of...low-key contempt for the audience, in which news gets vastly oversimplified (the better to make money off the intellectually lazy), and after a while everyone gets accustomed to engaging with the news in soundbites, which encourages more people to be intellectually lazy, on and on in a vicious cycle that eventually renders our norms of public discourse several sad levels stupider. 

If that makes me a snobbish elitist so be it, but tbh I find it a whole hell of a lot more patronizing to dumb things down to some assumed lowest common denominator of engagement and attention span than to respect your audience and your subject enough to discuss complex topics with complexity and depth.

Anyway I guess the short version is that I have no problem whatsoever with media criticism, but I have an enormous problem with “media criticism” performed as some sort of self-righteous branding exercise in which we wave around our ideological purity credentials like expensive handbags, because (1) it plays right back into the unspoken consumption patterns = personal identity assumption that underlies much of what’s unsettling about our society, and is thus darkly ironic coming from the left and (2) y’all set off allllll my dogma alarms (which are admittedly somewhat overcalibrated by the conservative christian do-not-read-that-or-you-will-be-contaminated-by-bad-ideas upbringing but extra-sensitive does not necessarily mean inaccurate). 

[zellery09]

Damn. I should blog more often.

I really miss writing/typing my feelings out. It's nice to vent every once in a while, especially when no one in your circle knows that you have this virtual journal. It's fun to express how I feel here. Tumblr is like my little secret getaway. Even my boyfriend doesn't even know I have this account. I swear to myself that I won't tell anyone about this ever. I get to keep my deepest, darkest secrets all to myself. Ha ha.

Anyway, current update on my life.

- I moved out of my parents.. Which is honestly nice because of the freedom. But sometimes, I miss their company because at least I know I'm not alone all the time.

- I moved in with my boyfriend... Which is not bad either. We've been together for a while now so we're not new to each other. Honestly, sometimes, I feel like I'm taking care of another kid!! Ha ha (to be continued on a different post)

- Been a nurse now for a year. It has its ups and downs. Covid sucks. It was sad to see people die, but it was nice to see people go home and recover from it too. Also, sometimes feeling burnt out from work. Maybe I need a new work environment? (also to be continued at this post)

- Currently a full time husky mom. Huskies are so HAIRY. I don't know how people can live with 3 big dogs but kudos to them. I can barely take care of one.

That's it for update. I'll probably continue to post later on.. Bye.

[aplaceforthesoul]

Anonymous submitted:

Hi! I was wondering if I could ask for some advice with a friendship… I’ve been very close friends with this person for roughly 5-ish years now; it’s a friendship based on shared interests and mental health issues tbh, because we met over the net and I think the point where we actually became very close was when she told me about how she was struggling with depression. I was having trouble with anxiety myself at the time so I tried my best to support her, and later in our friendship, she told me how happy she was at the time. She said that because her parents don’t understand mental illness, she never had anybody to validate her feelings before we started talking about them. Anyway I wouldn’t say that mental health is like, the foundation of our friendship or anything, but it has continued to have a big part in our conversations in the years since then, and I’ve recently started to grapple with this ugly feeling that after five years of it I no longer know what to do for her? Like…I do understand that it’s not my job to be her therapist and that there isn’t any treatment I can offer, but she’s been doing especially badly since covid hit and when she vents about her troubles, I do need to respond somehow. It hurts because she’s in a lot of pain but there’s nothing I can do and “it’s ok to not be ok; I’m here for you if you need me; you’re not worthless; your feelings or valid” seems useless by now when I’ve already said the same things so many times. But idk how else to respond when she’s making suicide jokes that are clearly about actual suicidal ideation, has constant horrible revelations about buried childhood trauma, talks about her lack of a support system at home and scary things her therapist tells her every other week, etc. This probably sounds really hateful but I just want to clarify that I don’t mean it to be; I know that objectively, her life so far has been horrible and all the feelings she expresses are valid ways to feel about it. I just feel so helpless because the information keeps coming in but there’s nothing I can do. I *think* part of the problem is that I’ve never once set any sort of boundary when it comes to talking about stuff like this, but the thing is, it’s been 5 years…at this point, I’m not sure where to start. I’m worried she’d take it the wrong way and feel like I’ve decided she’s “too much” for me if I randomly bring it up. Also while it *could* just be me inflating my role in her life, I do feel concerned about potentially cutting off one of her few sources of emotional support? We live in entirely different countries so I never see how she operates in daily life…I know her family is not supportive at all and that her parents border on emotionally abusive, but have no clue how much contact she has with any other people rn or whether she talks about her troubles with anybody other than her therapist…and while conversations about her mental health are stressful, I also feel worried when I *don’t* know what’s happening on her end. I worry she might just bottle it all up (because she does have a tendency to do that) and then she’ll end up doing something reckless. Tl;dr…do you think there’s any way I could lay down some sort of boundary without hurting her? Or is there anything else I could do that might help? (This turned into a bit of a rant, sorry for how long it is and thank you so much for taking the time to read it! It helped so much just to write it down and get the thoughts out of my system, and reading this blog in general made me feel a lot calmer. You guys respond so kindly to everybody. Again, thanks so much for doing this! <3)

hey there, omg no don’t apologise it’s all cool :* I’m glad writing this all out has helped, writing / journaling is sometimes more therapeutic than people give it credit for.  

I think you’ve hit the nail on the head on quite a few points, especially on not previously setting boundaries, and on feeling helpless too. I know I often say things like “it’s ok to not be ok, tell your friend you’re there for them” etc, but I completely understand how that might start to lose some of its authenticity if you’ve had to say it many times before. friendships are complex! even though I agree (and have said myself) that it’s not the role of you as a friend to also double up as a therapist, at the same time you can’t just ignore what a friend has said. I also think that your concerns of her bottling up emotions and doing something reckless as a result of that is valid, and will complicate things a little. 

is it an option to suggest for her to get a new therapist? a therapist shouldn’t be scaring their patients! :( yes a therapist might put forward ideas that are intimidating (changing behaviours, confronting trauma etc) but they should be there to support their patient, and it shouldn’t feel ‘scary’ overall. they also shouldn’t be saying/doing things that scare someone every other week, that’s not healthy or helpful. is your friend aware of the possible negative impact her therapist is having on her, would she be open to the idea of looking for someone new? I know there can be accessibility / financial obstacles to factor in, but if there is any option for your friend to find a new therapist that could be something to talk with her about. 

there is one clear boundary you can set though, and that’s jokes around suicide / suicide ideation. if that’s her personal way of coping then that’s fine? but you absolutely have every right to ask her not to make comments like that around you if it makes you feel uncomfortable or anxious or on edge. I doubt she’s doing anything intentionally! if that’s the case though then she’s almost certain not to be aware of any negative impact it’s having on you. 

honestly, I think the best you can do is keep encouraging her to seek professional help, and for her to be as open as possible with her therapist. the website Psychology Today (uk / usa / australia / canada) could be useful in finding a new therapist? she could maybe look at contacting her local youth centre and asking for info and resources as well, if that’s something that could help.

how to talk about all of this with her though, the idea of possibly suggesting a new therapist and setting a few boundaries? it’s a conversation that might need a bit of planning beforehand, even if it’s just rough idea in bullet-point form. you could let her know that you care about her a lot but jokes suicide / suicide ideation aren’t helpful for you to hear -- stress that you’re not trying to make her feel bad and that you know it’s not intentional, but that you just wanna make her aware of it. mention that you love and care about her a lot! but that there are limits to what you can help with, and conversations around resurfaced childhood trauma might be best talked about with her therapist. mention that this isn’t you abandoning her or anything, that she can always talk to you? however you feel a little helpless in the face of all her troubles and concerns, and that you just want her to have the best care and support possible.

it’s not going to be an easy conversation to have, but it’s absolutely a necessary one. as long as you make sure to stress that you really do love her and care about her a lot, she hopefully won’t get too defensive or upset. you maybe might need to give the friendship a bit of extra attention (eg. starting conversations first, asking how she’s doing etc) to show that you really did mean it when you say you cared about her :* actions speak louder than words sometimes, and if she can see that you’re still dedicating time and energy to the friendship then it could help to mitigate the risk of her doing something reckless. good luck friend, I hope the conversation with her goes alright xxx

- tash

[glass-snake-writer]

A Strange Start - Madilton

A/N: This turned out longer than I was expecting haha! It’s a bit vague about being a Marvel AU, but I’ll probably write something a lot more explicitly Marvel in another fic in this series I’m doing to make up for this. Hope y’all enjoy! ^_^

James Madison stared down at the newspaper in front of him. His mouth was set in a hard line as he looked at the disgusting drivel that was spread across the front page. He didn’t know why he had thought better of humanity, if even for a second. In bold font the headline read, “Another mutant attack in NYC. When will the government finally take a stand?” Below it the article went on to shit on mutants, immigrants, and basically all other minorities. It was almost impressive how all of that was fit into the trash that some had decided to call journalism. The author of this disgusting drivel was one Samuel Seabury, a terrible bigoted man that couldn’t write anything actually worthwhile. It didn’t come as a surprise to James, seeing as he had been unfortunate enough to read some of his previous work. An angry sigh left his lips as he ran a hand over his face. Reaching for his cup of tea to calm down rage flowing through his system his eyes drifted shut in contemplation. Someone had to put this imbecile in his place. After all, his uneducated opinions were doing so much harm to his community. He wouldn’t let something like this stand. How to bring the other man to his knees, now that was the real question.

With a loud bang James’ front door slammed open and then shut, which caused James to tense. Setting down his tea he let energy flow to his hands. If however it was was looking for a fight, he would be ready to give them one. It wasn’t something that James did often, fighting that is, but he knew how to use his powers when need be. Now it was starting to look like one of the times that he needed to fight. Familiar fast footsteps sounded through the apartment. Upon realizing who it was, James relaxed into his seat. There was only one person that James had ever known to be able to make his steps sound that aggressive.

He was proved right when Alexander Hamilton came into sight and started yelling, “Who the fuck does Seabury think he is? I’m almost impressed with how at how much utter bullshit he writes. His ass must be jealous of the amount of shit his mouth is spewing 24/7!” As a fellow mutant, Alex was well known for his hatred of Seabury. It was a point that the two would often times find themselves lamenting about to each other. This had become so common that their respective friend groups no longer batted an eye when they were seen together. While they were on different sides of the political spectrum, they had found ways to still be civil. Unlike Alex and James’ best friend, Thomas Jefferson. Shaking his head, James picked up his tea and motioned for Alex to sit down. In typical Alexander Hamilton style, he flopped down as dramatically as humanly possible.

“I wouldn’t be surprised if he thought himself the king of England, what with how insane his writing shows him to be. It would explain why he thinks so highly of himself.” James drawled before taking a sip of tea. Alex’s response was leaning forward and laughing. It caused James’ heart rate to speed up with how cute he looked. He was lucking that his pockerface was ledgendary, otherwise the loving look that would’ve spread in its place could’ve given him away. As Alex finally opened his intelligent eyes they seemed to sparkled with mirth and James had to remind himself not to kiss him. Sometimes he forgot how close he always got to giving away his feelings when Alex was around. The man was dangerous.

“Someday I’m gonna write articles of my own that point out every single flaw in that fuckers logic. Mark my words Mady! He’ll be crying by the time I’m done with him” Alex shouted. James nodded his head in agreement and ignored the fluttery feeling that went through his stomach at being called Mady. He didn’t doubt for a moment that the young immigrant would take the world by storm someday, and the world would never be the same. Maybe, if he could find the right time to tell him, he would be by his side when that happened. As his boyfriend.

“You know,” Alex suddenly said as he straightened up, “we could make our own blog to complain about him and other assholes like him. I mean, you’re a skilled writer, I’m a skilled writer. Why not get into the swing of things now?” That stopped James short. Now that e thought about it… it wouldn’t be too out there to try. Sure, the blog might not get much attention from the general public, it was still a great way to vent their shared frustration. This was something that he could see greatly benefiting the both of them.

Clearing his throat he bluntly stated, “We’d have to do a lot of advertising to get people to even realize it exists, let alone get a following. On top of that, the two of us would have to be writing non-stop to push out enough content for a whole blog. Even if we brought others into work on it, we would still have to put a sizeable amount of time and effort into it. But I think the two of us can manage that.” At the end of his assessment, a small smile had taken shape on his face. Not only would he be getting to take down bigoted idiots, he would also get to spend more time with Alex. The whole thing would be a win-win situation for the man. A matching smile spread across the immigrants face at his response. It made James’ heart rate speed up again at his beauty. By now he shouldn’t have been so weak at a mere smile from Alex. Some day it was going to come back to bite him in the ass. Hopefully that day was far off.

“Mady,” Alex leaned closer to James as he spoke, “thank you! This means so much for me. God, I could kiss you!” It seemed that his poker face had reached it’s limit for the day as he became more visibly flustered. Not that this was anything new to James, however. After spending so much time with Alex the man knew what to expect. He knew that when Alex said something cute or flirty that he would end up melting. It was out of his control now. The only consolation was that Alex never noticed the reaction that he was causing in James. Or at least, that’s what usually happened. Currently, Alex’s focus was intent on his face and taking in every feature. Well, he was fucked.

“James… am I… making you uncomfortable? Shit, I am, aren’t I? Fuuuck, what did I do. Tell me and I’ll promise to never do it again!” Alex pleaded as he pulled James’ hand towards his chest. His face was full of such honest concern and anguish that it hurt for him to look at. For a moment, James did nothing. What should he tell him? Looking at Alex’s face, he realized what he should do. Shifting closer, he pulled his hand from Alex’s grasp and placed it on the side of his face. Then, he kissed him. Hard.

A startled noise left Alex’s mouth before he relaxed into him. It made his insides sing at the fact he wasn’t being pushed away. James’ arms wrapped around Alex’s waist as he deepened the kiss. He couldn’t believe that he was actually doing this, but like hell was he not going to give this kiss his all. Soon after he thought that, Alex’s arms found their way around his neck, bringing them even closer together. The whole experience felt like something out of a dream. It was so full of emotion that James was dizzy with it.

“Mady,” Alex pulled away with a breathless gasp, “please tell me this means I can call you my boyfriend. Because I really want you to be my boyfriend.” A soft smile spread across James’ face at that. God, James loved this man so much. Instead of answering he kissed the cute, ridiculous man with all his might. He pushed as much love as he could into it as his hands ran through the others hair.

Pulling away reluctantly James finally said, “Dear, of course this means you can call me your boyfriend. I’d be sorely disappointed if you didn’t.” The resulting smile that made it’s way onto his boyfriend’s, god he was so happy to call him that, face made James knees weak. Even just thinking of Alex as his boyfriend was making his insides mushy. This man would surely be the death of him. He was finding that he didn’t mind that in the slightest.

“You called me dear. Shiiittt… Mady, that’s too adorable!” Alex squeaked as his cheeks flushed a bright red. James watched on with adoration as Alex shoved his face into James’ chest to hide his face out of embarrassment. Why hadn’t he kissed this man sooner? Ah well, he was with him now. “Does this mean we get to call each other disgustingly cute nicknames in front of all our friends to the point where they want to throttle us? Jefferson is going to be so annoyed! What should I call you? I’m definitely still calling you Mady, but I should add some more into the mix. Maybe I should call you doudou or mon coeur? Oh! What about mon nounours? You’re a big softy after all. My big softy… Just the fact that I can say that is making me happy!” His cute boyfriend rambled. It was endearing to see him like this. But he was still interested in that blog, so he had to get back on topic.

“Alex, I’m sure we’ll have plenty of time to explore pet names. For now we should brainstorm some ideas for the blog. After we do that, we’ll decide on a time and place for our first date. I’m taking you somewhere nice as soon as I can.” James said, smiling at this beautiful man that was now his. Alex shifted to face James very reluctantly. His cheeks were still tinted red and his eyes absolutely sparkled, distracting James once more. The sweet smile on his boyfriend’s lips also did a lot to pull his mind elsewhere. Not that James truly minded all that much.

Suddenly Alex’s face broke out into a mischievous grin as he said, “We better get to work then. Cause I really want to go out with you soon.” Chuckling at the adorable man James nodded. While he knew they were both too distracted to truly get anything done today, they could at least get a few thing laid out and talk more later. After all, they would be spending a lot more time together now. The smile on his face spread at that as he listened to Alex start coming up with ideas. This was the start of something absolutely beautiful. To think, this all started because they  were talking about Samuel fucking Seabury.

[shadottie]

Hey my dudes, take care of yourself. Talk to someone, write in a journal, vent on the internet, just do something for yourself. 

Anxiety and Depression(tm) are shitters, don’t let them stop you from reaching help or some clarity.

I find myself wanting to vent a lot, and in hand, I want to find a way to battle what warrants that venting-- for not myself, but to help others. For the hundreds of people are following me, if it would mean something to read a post that another is struggling and there is a way out-- that there is a way to help yourself.

There is.  There always is.

There’s that part of me that’s like, “I don’t want to be a bother” “My problems are valid compared to someone else’s” “I don’t deserve to have these feelings compared to what others go through”

It’s a difficult thing to deal with. You want to convince yourself that you’re worth it, that you can depend on somebody, but at the same time, you don’t want to worry them unnecessarily. Going to another might look like you’re betraying the trust of another. Venting to the vast space of the internet than any one person in particular may look negligent too. Sometimes? Sometimes you just want to scream into the abyss. If someone reaches back, great.

I’m kind of there right now. I’m going to do it than let guilt deter me. 

I’m stressed out.  I know I am. I had such a stupid panic attack today, yesterday, the day before that. It’s been consistent sensations like I’m on the verge of like blanking out, when I can feel that flight or fight response kicking in. It’s a little similar to when I get too emotional over situations, and a sudden flip of the switch has me apathetic. Those weird sensations are always tied to stress or an anxiousness. I’m otherwise fine when I get up and do something else like clean or take a walk. There’s nothing wrong with me. 

What could it possibly be? Who knows. Anxiety tells me it’s gotta be something. I should check the internet right? Consult for the millions of possibilities of how I might be dying right now in this very moment, when I’ve “”””Survived”””” a couple of other instances that aren’t at all consistent besides when I’m stressing out. I don’t do that webmd shit anymore. 

My brain just does this dumb shit where I have a lot going on for me, instead of stressing about that, something starts hurting on my body. I start to feel dizzy. I suddenly lose focus and blank sometimes, or can’t finish my thoughts. Clearly, I’m fucking dying in this very moment. Like, no? No. 

I haven’t been taking care of myself either. No wonder I feel like shit. dumbfuck, I’m. eating for the first time at 3:30 in the afternoon and have had like... coffee and a couple cups of water. You’ve been up since 9. Coffee is dehydrating but also pumps your heart rate. Like??? no shit.

Today, I was panicking so hard for the sensation I was feeling, I left the apartment to go for a walk and that fatigue came back instead of rationalize myself and talk it out with Cory. This was before I ate something, mind you, and not drinking as much as I should for water. Like. Duh. But no, Anxiety’s like ‘see, something’s wrong. You can’t run from it. You have something in your brain that’s killing you’

And you know what? Technically, I do. It’s this anxiety and depression bullshit that I’m going to kick the ever living shit out of so I can have a normal life, so I can lead a healthier and happy life with Cory too. 

Why do I do this? Why does my brain do this? Why can’t I just apply that stress and anxiety to worrying about a deadline, or if I’m going to get this done by a certain day? Or... ya know, whatever’s bothering me that has nothing to do with my body’s malfunctions. I’ve survived this shit plenty. It started at a tender age of like...preteens, give or take.

Despite everything, my little 4-H club elected me to be their leader. I’ve always been a follower. I’ve never had anyone depend on me. Then this, this happened. Something I was scared to do, being such a wallflower at the time (and I still am, letsberealBUT...). It’s.. silly to think back on now, to think how far I’ve come as a person since then.  At the time, I thought my heart was going to stop while I slept. There were nights I convinced myself that my kidney was going to explode, or an organ was giving out. I’d keep a hand to my pulse as if a 12-year-old would have any way to discern a weird heartbeat. My parents would sit with me until I was on the verge of passing out.  We’d talk from time to time. I started listening to soundtracks to help put me to sleep. They’d help me think up stories for what was going on depending on a track. They took me to the hospital once when I had an especially bad attack. The doctor asked me if I wanted to take medicine. I wanted to try to fix it myself. (And, honestly, the thought of taking medicine for this scared me and I thought I’d be weaker for it at the time. That’s not the case.  Everyone’s different, and as long as that medicine is used how it should be, to help and heal, so you can be your own person again on your own one day.)  

I kept listening to tunes.  I kept thinking up stories to help me forget, to help me sleep at night. I kept falling asleep midway through a journal entry about how hard I crushed on a boy, or some event at school, or writing my own silly Zelda fanfics, or whatever.  It worked. I got over it in time.

This won’t be any different. What I wouldn’t give if those were the feelings I was having now instead. I know that song and dance.  I could handle it. But, I’m growing. The body gets older, things are changing all the time.  There isn’t any possibility of me actually being hurt, I just need to take care of myself. I’m fixing my sleep schedule, eating healthier when I do eat.  I need to eat more. I am getting into better habits about water, drinking it with Miyo or whatever if I’m bored with just drinking water.

I’m stressed. 

 I’m scared. 

I hit lows where I don’t care about eating. I don’t care about ...well, taking care of myself.  I’d lie like a lump on the floor all day if my burning will to kick ass didn’t have me obsessing with work after a couple minutes of lying there.  It’s... so ridiculously stupid, and I hate that I do that to myself. I’m trying to be better. 

I’m building momentum with my career. Things are going well. Something’s going to go wrong, isn’t it? i’m going to be punished for spending that occasional $10 for a book of Nichijou for Cory; or buying lunch out, aren’t I?

What a fucking stupid mindset. I’m just going to keep going forward anyway. 

There has been good.  Streaming and doing more with Cory-- watching shows like Nichijou and Jojo with him too. Finding inspiration again.  A lot. 

I have something I’m so excited to share with you guys in December. On another note, I get to work with someone I looked up to and made a friend with, in the FFXIV community. I braved talking to another  because I had something to share, who responded rather nicely to me! I’m apart of a weekly static now for FFXIV too, playing PLD, and it’s stressful but I’m trying to have fun. I need to work on a better layout though. Artist hands get crampy with the buttonpressing during stressful moments. 

Despite a rather abysmal 2017 con season for us,  we made the most with what we had, and actually did much better than our 2016 run through those specific cons. I’ve been doing well off with my work load that I can treat myself and I can treat Cory more.  I’m so grateful for the opportunities I’ve had with Patreon and Twitch Affiliate status. Those along with work are helping with bills, living expenses, and making a sane cushion for ourselves again.  We’re not living paycheck to paycheck really anymore. Next year will be a great year for conventions, getting out more, getting out of this little apartment more. I hate that winter’s already here. I miss green. 

I’ve had a lot of horribly raw feelings lately. Upset about this, super duper depressed about that, and just a whole mix of chemicals that I normally don’t exercise in feelings. I feel like a rotten human being with how aloof I can be. I need to work on having a relationship with the love of my life, balancing that with work and personal time. 

I worry if I’m annoying when people don’t respond to me and I keep poking despite that worry to show care. Anxiety whispers that I’m just being a pest. D&D has been fun, but I’ve been worrying a lot about that too. Something happens one way or another where I can’t always be focused, or I’m a depressed mess before hand, and-- I stress out too much that my quiet or involvement is annoying in some way or another. I’m trying harder to jump into things. I always have fun anyway when things kick off.

I’m scared for a friend making a visit to meet some people over this weekend.  He’s supposed to be home today, I haven’t heard from him. I’m trying not to worry still. 

I think about my parents a lot and my brother.  I reflect on my life and where I’ve gone, and how it’s already been 10 years since I graduated high school, five since I walked away with a Bachelor’s.  I think about how certain people aren’t here anymore, and that isn’t going to change. Life is precious, and honesty is a gift. I’ve been more headstrong about expressing my thoughts and feelings. More often than not, I just see assumptions causing a mess. I’ve caused a mess and many that way.

I have a lot on my mind than I realize, and when these anxiety attacks hit, I don’t know what to hold onto for what’s causing the problem.  All of it’s there, and now most of it’s here in a post. There may be more.  I’m honestly going to probably try to be a little more active as a person in tandem with being an entertainer. Honestly, I have days where I stress out about not posting art, and feel guilty about that too.

I was doing so well there, and now I’m literally running around like a chicken with its head cut off. I’ll get over it. I always do. There’s far more important things to focus on, to enjoy, to experience, than this fear. 

if you made it this far, thanks. it really means a lot. I hit a point where I don’t know what else to wordpuke, but that gross feeling of mine is gone and I have clarity again. 

Have a good night.

[violetsystems]

#personal

This week has had its up and downs.  The downs seem to be a symptom of the real world these days.  I don’t get very much validation at all that I’m ever on the right track.  At least it would appear that way.  It’s hard to know sometimes how to proceed in life when nobody encourages you.  Being a leader grows out of this I’ve found.  You have to push ahead and do the things you feel deep down.  Sometimes if you are unfocused those things are twisted and destructive.  Sometimes when you have your shit together, it’s banal and routine.  But all validation gives you most of the time is the calm to proceed into the unknown.  Part of my job at work is to see feedback scores of the work down by the people I manage.  I am blessed with a lot of talented people on my team.  I see clear indicators of their performance in numbers.  I tend to fade into the background all the time.  There’s never any clear indication that I even exist sometimes.  This has its ups and downs for sure.  But I find this continues outside of work.  I was on the phone with my landlord because there was a building wide sewage problem.  It turns out somebody flushed something down the toilet they shouldn’t have.  After listening to my landlord vent about what they might do if it happens again, they paused.  It was the first time I’ve ever been called a good tenant.  It wasn’t gushing or fake.  It was just an acknowledgement.  Some sort of validation that I’m at least ok with the space that I occupy.  This city has a habit of projecting you need a right to share the air we collectively breathe sometimes.  And it never has the guts to say it to your face.  I find real validation is sometimes painfully awkward.  It’s a vulnerable state in which someone acknowledges you stand apart from the bullshit.  “Don’t fuck it up” you can hear them say.  People have a hard time trusting people.  And then again people would rather take risks than be alone in their thoughts and decisions.  I’m an only child.  Being alone has always been a reflex for me.  All the way up to the conversations I have with myself out loud.  They’re similar to conversations I write on the internet.  Some people read them. Other people make fun of them.  Some people glaze over the weekly wall of text.  Other people know I’m sharing my thoughts like a journal with people I care about.  That I care enough to explain myself instead of hiding it from the world.  An open book to a certain extent that nobody wants to read.  The cover is all they need to know.  People whisper about me behind my back like I’m some ancient tome.  The necronomicon most likely.  To strangers I’m a thug or a witch.  No one ever tells me how they really feel about me.  I’m expected to read into all of  it like an extreme psyops campaign in a William Gibson book.  Then again nobody ever asks me questions.  When the veil truly cracks every once and awhile I feel people open up just a little.  Show me how they really feel about me.  It’s not written on a deed or certificate.  I can’t wave it around like a trophy.  But it’s a knowing for sure.  Knowing I’ll be ok despite everything.  Knowing I have a little bit of stability that I believe in.  Everybody else doesn’t even believe I exist much less care.  When you don’t score on the meter at all do you even matter?  

Self love is a tough thing.  Self love requires self validation and self confidence.  If you really love yourself you will try to be honest with yourself.  It’s hard to strike the balance between fairness and discipline for some people.  I had some rough years before these.  People have probably read about them.  The last three years haven’t been rough in the same ways.  I’ve been rebuilding myself slowly into a different person.  One that maybe resembles the person I was ten years ago minus the soul searching.  My head is shaved again.  I’m far more in shape than I have ever been.  I’m also way older.  There’s realities to be fair of who I am that I face every day.  And then there’s the realities people place on me without my consent.  What people think I should be.  What people think I am good for.  What people think matters to me or will work out in my best interest without telling me.  There’s a lot of information I’ve accrued over the years by almost making some horrible mistakes.  I bounced back mostly because I’ve always been fairly cautious and measured.  I’m also notoriously hard on myself.  Also extremely patient with others for the record.  I’ve humored so much in the last couple of years its mind numbing.  But knowing when you don’t have the luxury to heal from all the hurt is part of that self love.  And my withdrawal from a lot of things has mostly been about identifying toxic situations.  They might not be toxic for other people.  Society these days normalizes some horrible shit.  It only gets worse.  It never rewards you for being a good person.  I know this because I can’t be anything but a good person.  And I’ve largely become this shadow person who everybody is scared to admit is genuine and a really nice person.  So every once and awhile when your landlord confirms that you are valued as a tenant it cracks.  I walk around this city largely ignored and judged like everybody else.  And then here and there the Easter eggs appear. There’s so subtle these days that reading too far into them will drive you crazy.  What does it all mean?  I’m such a highly valued and loved person but nobody can say it to my face.  They have to flash it like an ad and make me read into everything.  Do I really matter?  Am I good enough to be loved by another person?  Maybe they’re just fucking with me?  Maybe it’s all some sick joke.  Maybe I care and maybe I don’t.  Maybe none of it really matters because nobody loves me how I should be loved?  Other than me.  Which is a crossroads you need to get to in order to be loved.  You have to love yourself enough to know the direction you want to move forward towards.  What’s the right course of action.  Will I miss out on large portions of my life.  I can look back five to ten years now and shake my head in disbelief.  All the things I done don’t matter to anyone.  They care more about catching a cold or being seen talking to the wrong person.  It can make a person think they’re no good.  And I will tell you if you believe this about yourself then you have already lost.  You do matter despite being invisible.  Only you can know how much.  And only you can make yourself better.  And the world needs that most right now even if it won’t admit it.

If I am to survive in the post truth wasteland of America I need to love myself. And sometimes decisions I make to distance myself have very real world intelligence attached.  People often forget what clip I have been living my life at.  To remind people intimidates them.  “Who the fuck do you think you are?”  I’ve challenged a lot fo people.  I confront things often.  I don’t often push or break things.  I just walk away when they’re not working.  I float through walls and jump over boundaries.  And then I wall myself off behind closed doors that I rent without an agreement.  I live by the skin of my teeth with no love or comfort other than feral animals I shelter.  I’m some walking myth to people who is already half dead.  Phased in between the real and the astral like some fallen angel.  And then there’s the actual me following a bleak cycle week after week.  A lot of this is just the reality of Chicago winter.  I’ve survived an ungodly amount of winters out here alone.  I know the drill.  Just like I know how to spot a cop.  It’s pretty easy when they start shopping at the same stores as you.  Whatever accountability I live with is a curse.  But I see things for how they really are.  The truth as it appears to me isn’t always in my favor. And leading sometimes becomes more about accepting the value of safety in your decisions.  I lead a pretty boring life at times.  And yet I can’t avoid the shadows.  I don’t know what I mean to some people.  I don’t know that I care anymore.  I dream that I mean something more to others.  There are people I believe to understand that.  That’s a validation that comes from trust.  Trusting people comes through faith.  Having faith in the world after all I have been through is hard.  Love isn’t easy either.  But it is the hardest to love yourself.  Too little and you will wither and die.  Too much and you will do the same probably.  Balance seems like nothing.  Flows like water.  Doesn’t really have a score attached to it.  Tell me how I am doing?  I fill out feedback scores all the time for people when I shop.  I had a really nice interaction with the sportswear store copping this sweatshirt.  Sometimes knowing what real encouragement looks like comes from nurturing that in yourself.  If you know how to love yourself in an honest way maybe you can nurture honest and genuine reactions and emotions from others.  That’s a lot about knowing how to read people.  But it comes from listening to your heart.  My heart these days tells me nothing has changed.  I’m still in the same apartment as I’ve ever been.  I’m still going to take a ride on my bike and vote in Chinatown.  And I still really love and care about you.  I can’t tell you how much.  Can’t put a score on it.  Can’t even attach a name to it for public record.  But just remember it matters to me.  So much so that I’m not going to change a thing about it.  Besides voting for Bernie.  <3 Tim