#I should not have worked this hard on this

[isa-ghost]

Maybe this is extremely incorrect or narrow of me to think in some way, but

When you learn about Hitler's takeover in school, I feel like you always imagine it being so much bigger, even bigger than it already was, like more... I don't know how to explain it. Like it stopped every single other aspect of life for everyone ever. Because like. Y'know, gigantic historical event. Like unfathomable degrees of impact on a global scale, even if that was only the case after years of damage.

And yet here we (Americans) are, living through something that has terrifying amounts of parallels to the start of all that, and like... Nope. Life doesn't freeze, not everyone feels an instant tangible change for the worst. People are still living out their daily lives, doing whatever their version of mundane life is, whether it's working for less than minimum wage at a shitty retail job, doomscrolling on the toilet at home, seeking out somewhere to stay warm and safe, etc.

Like no matter what life is like for them, everyone is acutely aware one way or another that this is happening and ongoing, but chances are it probably isn't completely derailing their average day (I'm having a hard time wording this in a way that emphasizes there's an element of privilege involved in this and keeps the people who will be impacted ASAP by things like ICE raids and such in mind but the sentiment is there, sorry).

Like. This is the next 4 years of our lives. I'm a poor, queer, neurodivergent woman. And I'm still more privileged than some people despite being quadruple disadvantaged (for a lack of better term). But I feel like I'm living a death sentence despite that privilege. And you'd think that, given I feel that way, what's happening today and will be happening for the next 4 years would feel more real than it does right now? Like I wouldn't be sitting in my home completely objectively fine, casually posting here on Tumblr feeling existential and spending an embarrassing amount of time trying to word what I'm thinking in a way that isn't/doesn't feel ignorant in some way.

But no. We're on the precipice of god knows what and it's not consuming very single American's life including mine in every single conceivable way like how you (or at least I, I guess) imagine it was for every single person back before/during WWII.

I dunno, I guess I'm just really feeling like this meme right now.

And it's all only made worse by the fact that like. The election was rigged (said by Trump himself btw) and there are a million other blatantly obvious reasons this shouldn't be happening. And yet it is. Like not only do we have to endure unimaginable amounts of dread for years to come, but we have the knowledge that this should not be happening to begin with but everything is so fucked up and the people that could do something to stop it are so fucking stupid and only out for themselves that it's happening anyway.

Edit: Can't believe I have to add this, but zionists and neo-nazis get the fuck out of here. Please choke to death, actually.

[isettreesonfire]

Idgaf I just wanted to make him pretty

[haihoneys]

Afternoon Delight

Summary: The one where Seonghwa and reader are friends who are mutually pining for each other until an accident in the kitchen changes everything.

Word Count: 2,541

Pairing: Park Seonghwa x Fem!Reader  

A/N: implied mutual pining!! there's literally barely any plot here lolol

Warnings: barely proof read. poor grammar in all kinds of ways. smuttttttt. unprotected sex, penetrative sex, fingering, fem receiving oral, mentions of a cut finger lolol

————

Everything happened so quickly… One minute, Seonghwa was chopping vegetables for the kababs you were preparing to throw on the grill. The next, he was hissing and dropping the knife to clatter against the island.

“Shit!” His curse was sharp as he sucked his bleeding finger into his mouth.

You gasped, discarding your own knife and reaching for the kitchen towel draped over the oven door handle. “Oh Hwa, let me see.”

A grimace twisted onto his face as he held his hand out to you. Thankfully, the cut isn’t nearly as bad as you’d expected. Some disinfectant and a bandage should do the trick. “C’mon, let’s get this cleaned up, hm?”

Seongwha waved you off, “I can handle it. Just tell me where the first aid kit is!”

You huffed, eyes rolling so hard Seonghwa was sure you caught a glimpse of your brain. “You’re my guest, Seonghwa. And you were helping me cook dinner! I’m not letting you clean and bandage a wound on your own.”

“Okay, first of all… It’s not a wound, Y/N. It’s barely a cut! I’m fine!” He chuckled as he said it, praying the heat working its way up his neck and cheeks wasn’t noticeable. The last thing he needed was you seeing him fucking blush over the fact that you wanted to take care of him like that. 

Then you grabbed his uninjured hand, your touch effectively pulling him out of his thoughts, and tugged towards the small bathroom just off the kitchen. You pulled him inside and nudged the door shut so you’d have better access to the cabinet where your first aid kit sat.

“Run your finger under the cold water while I find everything,” you instructed him, turning to gather your supplies. 

He did as he was told, rolling his eyes playfully at your bossiness. 

Once you had everything you needed to fix him up, you turned back to him and gently took his injured hand. “This might sting a bit,” you mumbled as you took a peroxide-soaked cotton ball and dabbed at his finger.

Seonghwa hissed and flinched, jerking his hand back and cradling it against his chest. 

Scoffing, you took his hand and dabbed at it a second time, tightening your grip ever so slightly when he tried to pull away again. “Okay, now it didn’t hurt that bad. Don’t be a baby.”

He pouted down at you, bottom lip jutting out comically. “I’m not being a bab- OW!” 

You snorted as you tossed the cotton ball into the trash can and reached for a bandage. “Yeah,” you laughed, “you are.”

You opened the bandage, peeling the paper off and letting it fall to the counter as you readjusted your grip on his hand so you could wrap it around his finger. When it was securely in place, you brought it up to your lips and pressed a soft kiss to it. 

“There, all better.” You smiled up at him, and his breath caught in his throat at the warmth on your face. 

Without thinking, he leaned in and pressed his mouth to yours. It was a whisper of a kiss, his lips just barely brushing over yours before he pulled back. You blinked up at him, eyes so wide it would have been comical in any other setting, but were otherwise unmoving.

Seonghwa started to apologize, taking your stunned silence as a rejection. His anxiety ratcheted up, pulse pounding in his ears.

Then you surged forward, hands fisting his shirt so tightly your nails probably could have torn the fabric had they been a fraction sharper. You pulled him into you and smashed your mouth back to his, drawing a groan from deep in his chest. It was raw and primal, and it went straight to your cunt. 

It felt like his hands were everywhere. Your hair. Your ass. Your thighs. Your face. He couldn’t get enough. He wanted to feel every inch of you. Then he wanted to taste it. He’s wanted to find a bed or even a couch, somewhere soft where he could spread you out and take his time with you. Draw out your pleasure and his own until neither of you could function anymore. But right then… he needed you right that instant, or he honestly might have dropped dead at your feet. 

He had you pressed up against the door, one hand tangled in your hair and the other gripping the hem of your skirt. 

“Tell me to stop, and I will. We can go back out there and act like this never happened.” And he was fully prepared to do just that. He was man enough to do that if that’s what you wanted. 

“Please,” it’s a sweet little sound, and he thought he felt his heart stop in his chest at the desperation in your voice, “Please don’t stop.” 

He hummed and started kissing and sucking and biting at your neck, hands moving to hike your skirt up around your waist. Long, deft fingers started tracing you over your panties, smirking when you moaned his name. 

“Shhh, I got you baby,” he mumbled into the skin of your neck. 

His fingers hooked into the side of your panties, pulling them aside so he could rub at your clit. Slow and teasing movements that have you melting into his touch. 

Then he slipped a finger inside you, and he practically dropped to his knees when he felt how truly wet you were for him already. Seonghwa wanted to drink you in, make you cum all over his face, then lick you clean before starting over from the beginning. He crooked his finger forward, testing the angle and pressure until you pitched forward in arms. He keeps rubbing there, the feeling near torturous as he adds another finger and twists his wrist so that the heel of his hand is grinding into your clit with a delicious pressure. 

You clawed at him, ready to rip your pleasure from his bare skin if you needed to. You muttered some strangled version of his name combined with “please” and he can't take it anymore.

He dropped to his knees in front of you, hoisting one of your legs up onto his shoulder, and dove into you. 

His inhumanly long tongue laved over your clit before he wrapped his mouth fully around it, fingers still furiously working against that sweet spot inside you. He groaned into your pussy, and the vibrations of it nearly did you in. Your vision was going white around the edges; you were so close you could taste it.

Without a warning, he pulled away. The loss of his mouth made you want to cry. You start to beg, ready to promise him anything, offer up your very soul, if he would just put his mouth back on you.

“Need you to cum baby. Can you do that for me?” He kissed the request into the plush flesh just under your belly button, tongue slowly licking his way back down towards your pussy. 

Long lashes fluttered up at you as he wrapped his lips around your clit, holding your gaze as he sucked hard enough to hollow out his cheeks. And that’s the image that sent you into complete oblivion. Seeing this man on his knees for you… it’s a piece of artwork you’d never forget. 

Seonghwa worked you through it gently, letting you ride out your high on his tongue and fingers until you were trembling above him. He brought your leg back down, tenderly stroking up and down your thigh as he stood. 

He leaned in, mouth just barely hovering above yours as he whispered, “You did so great for me.” Then he kissed you again, the taste of you still on his tongue making you moan into his mouth.

He tried to take it slow, to be sweet and gentle in the wake of your orgasm. But when you moaned like that.. the tether he had on his self-control snapped. 

Strong hands gripped your hips and spun you around to face the mirror. He nudged your feet apart, making just enough room for him between your thighs. 

“Hold on to the counter,” it was more of a command than a request, his voice so deep and guttural it sent a shiver down your spine. You did as you were told and looked up to watch his face as he admired you. You deepened your arch a little and he found your gaze in the mirror. 

Your head was still swimming; you didn’t even register the fact that he’d undone his pants and pulled out his cock. Something you want to remedy. Soon. 

He stroked himself, plush bottom lip trapped between his teeth as he stared down at your cunt peeking from between your thighs. Then he stepped forward and rutted against you, both of you moaning when his tip caught at your entrance, just shy of sliding home. You were ready to beg for him again when he gave you the sweet relief of actually pushing inside. 

A strangled gasp tore from your throat as he bottomed out. You weren’t expecting the searing ecstasy that spread through your body at the feel of him, his thighs pressed flush to the back of yours. 

He had one hand gripping your hip so tightly you swore there would be little indents of his fingers there for days to come; the other hand was pressed against the glass of the mirror. He rocked back slowly, and the deliciously heavy drag of his cock had you whining and keening for him.

Seonghwa shhhed you and pressed kisses to your neck and ear, murmuring something about other people being able to hear. Caught up in the heat of the moment, you had completely forgotten about the other friends you’d invited over for dinner. Most of them definitely within earshot.

But you didn’t care. Let them hear! They could have a front-row seat for all you cared. 

Seonghwa knew better than that, though. He knew that when all was said and done, once you were more level-headed, you would be mortified if anyone heard you. So he contorted himself and leaned back to fumble with the shower, spinning the handle to turn the spray nearly all the way up in hopes of muffling the sounds. 

He turned back to you and folded himself over you, thrusting back up into you to the hilt. It had you squealing, clawing at the countertop for purchase, anything to grip onto. Steam filled the room quickly, condensation turning everything into a slippery hazard. He slapped a hand against the mirror, trying to find his own leverage. His hips are pounded into your ass, the tip of his cock kissing at your cervix. 

He finally gave up trying to gain any actual leverage in that position, moving both hands to grip at your hips and pulling you into him as he fucks in and out of you. You weren’t even forming coherent words at that point, just a blubbering mess begging for him. You didn’t even know what you were begging for… you thought if it got any better, you might actually see god and all his angels

Then Seonghwa growled out a low “fuck” and pulled all the way out of you. You didn’t even have time to protest or question what he was doing before he spun you around and grabbed the backs of your thighs to hoist you up on the counter. 

More than a little disoriented from being manhandled into the new position, you started to fall back against the mirror. But he was still present enough to shoot out a hand and cup the back of your head, cushioning the slight impact just before your skull made contact with the glass.

It was such a juxtaposition, the tenderness of that act compared to the lewdness of you sitting there spread open to him and him standing with his cock out and leaking precum. 

You were both panting, heavy breaths only adding to the growing heat of the room. He hooked his hands behind your knees and pulled you so that your ass was barely resting on the counter. “Keep holding on baby. Don’t want you to fall.” 

With one hand, you gripped the edge of the counter, the other winding into his hair just as he slid back into you. You moaned out his name, and he was pretty certain he could die a happy man right at that moment. 

He kissed you again, swallowing all your sounds as he set the same brutal pace he had just a heartbeat ago. It’s wet and messy, all clashing teeth and bitten lips.

“Touch yourself for me,” he mumbled into your mouth, pressing his forehead to yours so he could watch with heavy-lidded eyes as you slithered your hand between your bodies to swirl tight little circles against your clit.

It only took a moment before white-hot pleasure was licking its way up your spine, stars bursting behind your eyelids. You cried out as you came, his name a song on your lips. 

You went soft and pliant then, your arms winding around his neck to pull impossibly closer to you. You kissed his temple, murmuring sweet things about how he’s making you feel so good, how he’s stretching you out and filling you up so perfectly that he must have been made for you. 

His thrusts turned sloppy then, jerking and stilted. With a groan of your name, Seonghwa pulled out and stroked his cock in brutally quick movements. He came with a deep moan, hot cum painting over your pussy and thighs. 

He leaned against you, his head resting on your shoulder as he caught his breath. You ran your fingers through his hair and pressed kisses to the side of his head and face. 

The small bathroom was suddenly quiet except for your heavy breathing and the soft hissing of the shower. When he finally came to and realized what a mess he made of you, he fumbled around the bathroom until he found a washcloth and ran it under the (now lukewarm) water from the shower before shutting it off and turning back to you. 

You tried to take the washcloth from him, but he grunted and swatted your hands away. He gently reached between your thighs and rubbed at your pussy before cleaning off the mess on your thighs. 

He tossed the rag into the shower and tucked himself back into his pants before helping you off the counter and readjusting your skirt. He swiped your panties off the floor and tucked them in his back pocket.

“Those are mine,” you tease with a laugh. 

“Not anymore, they’re not.” He kissed your temple and smoothed your hair out of your face. “You did so well for me, angel.” 

You melted into him, not expecting the words to have that much of an effect. You hummed and nuzzled further into his chest, his hands petting over your hair. 

A knock on the door startled you out of your peaceful little bubble. “Are you two almost done in there? I’m about to piss myself!” Wooyoung whined before shaking the door knob.

[peachesofteal]

more pizza girl

You're fucked.

It's the only way to explain how you feel, standing in the store, staring at bottles of liquor, wine, beer. You don't even know if this is the appropriate thing to do, but you've always seen it in shows, movies, so it must be, right?

You should have said no to this whole thing, should have told them you're busy, or you're working, or you had plans, but for some reason, you just knew they'd see through it. They'd call your bluff.

So here you were, staring at a rack of wine, trying to pick something to take to their house for dinner.

Even the thought is a marvel. You're not a complete shut in, you visit the few friends you have on occasion, your family, attend work functions, but this is different.

You know it is.

"Excuse me?" A petite old lady chirps at your shoulder, and you turn. "Do you need help?"

"Oh, um... no."

"You sure? It's just you've been standing here for almost thirty minutes." Fuck. 

"I'm fine." It comes out more assertive than you would have liked, and she backs away without another word. Great. 

You choose a six pack and book it out of there.

Their place is cozy. Not too small, not too big, clean and organized, orderly.

Except for the dog.

He's massive. 

And slobbery.

And... not for you.

Simon realizes immediately, and herds him away behind a baby gate, where he promptly slumps to the floor and closes his eyes, tongue hanging from the side of his mouth.

"He's..."

"Ye dinnae have to say cute. We know he's not."

"He's a mutt," Simon tells you, placing a bowl of something hot on the table, "but he's ours. Rescued him an' everything. Never liked pets but... found him on the street an' for some reason couldn't leave him behind."

"That's so sweet." He shrugs, Johnny rolls his eyes.

"Didnae tell me a thing. Just came home with a giant slobbering bear." You eye the table and it's three chairs, suddenly overflowing with anxiety. Which one should you pick? Which ones are theirs? Do they sit next to each other? Doesn't someone always sit at the head of the table? "Take a seat wherever," Johnny coaxes but you remain frozen, avoiding their eyes.

A hand folds over your shoulder with gentle, careful pressure, and warmth. "This one." Simon urges you towards the one in the middle, and you relax, grateful.

"Sorry." You mumble, but Johnny reaches across the table and squeezes your hand.

"Ye dinnae have anything to be sorry for. We're really happy you came."

"I... I'm glad I came too." The admission tries to stick in your throat before you force it free, and they reward you with soft smiles.

"Let's eat then."

Dinner passes in a breeze. It's so easy to sit with them, be around them. Involved in their conversation but comfortable enough to bow out of it too, and just listen. They're very good at navigating it, knowing when to stop and go, when to ask you something, and when to move on.

"If you want to stay for a bit, we were thinking about watching a movie. Afraid we're not really exciting." Simon calls over his shoulder, unfolding his glasses and slipping them on his face.

"Oh." Just do it, do it, do it- "Okay."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah but no... nothing scary. I can't do those." Johnny jerks his head towards the couch.

"Nothin' scary."

Simon doesn't give you the opportunity to stress over the seating arrangement this time, and points immediately to the left side of the couch. "The button down on the side will extend the footrest, and it can lean all the way back."

"Wow." Johnny settles on the other side, and Simon takes up an overstuffed armchair to your right.

Lots of distance. You kind of feel sad about it.

Your eyelids start to droop after an hour, and no matter how hard you fight it, you're in a losing battle. "I think I should go home." You mumble, and Simon pauses the screen.

"You alright?"

"I'm falling asleep." You don't make any moves to get up, instead curling in closer, tucking your hands under your cheek. The room is warm, the couch is soft, and the dog is snoring, which is comforting, in a weird way. "Should call an uber."

"We'll drive ye."

"No, no... I'm-" you yawn. You don't want to move, and when no one says anything, you let your eyes close for a few minutes. Just a few minutes.

In the dark, who knows what time or how many minutes or hours later, a blanket is tucked around your shoulders, shoes slipped off your feet, and someone strokes your cheek, trailing up over your forehead and away, lingering briefly.

"Sleep tight sweet girl."

[finnlongman]

I'm not going to keep going on about this, because I didn't really mean to make a whole Thing of it, but there are two reasons it really bothers me when people say my books should have had a romance plotline/love interest:

They're saying they wish my protagonist's sexuality was different. When somebody says, "I wish this gay book was straight instead so that I could relate to it more," or whatever, we rightfully recognise that as homophobic. When somebody says, "I wish this aroace character had a love interest," people call that a personal preference and make excuses for why that's not the same thing. Given that my protagonist's sexuality is something she shares with me, it feels particularly unkind, because it's essentially saying, "Lives like yours aren't interesting to me, I wish you had a different sexuality." Ouch.

I may have been exaggerating when I said 99.9% of YA books have a romance plotline... but not by much. It is everywhere. If you want a YA book with romance, you don't have to make any effort to find one, because nine times out of ten, whatever book you pick up will have one. It might be the main plot, it might be the subplot, but it'll be there. I was told repeatedly that I would have to have romance if I wanted my YA books to be published, because the category insists on it. So if you want YA books with romance: basically every other book is for you. It's not like it's a rarity that you were hoping I would finally give you. You have the entire cake; leave us our crumbs.

Like I said in the tags on my original post, this wasn't about one specific person or review. Please don't single anybody out if you've seen them say something similar to this. If it happened once, it wouldn't bother me; it's the pattern, and years of being told before publication that I would have to compromise on this element of the story if I wanted to make it, and social media marketing trends that focus almost exclusively on romance tropes and make it hard to engage when you don't have them.

And, on top of that, it's the weird anxiety of knowing that my next book, the Bisclavret retelling, is more romance-heavy, and while I want it to succeed, there's a bittersweetness to the idea that my yearning book might succeed where my aroace books didn't, purely because romance is marketable and friendship isn't.

(Even though I know there are so many other factors -- different genre, different category, different format, different publisher, different style, and a retelling that can appeal to an existing audience rather than my own characters and story that have no prior fanbase. It still feels like the romance will be what makes the difference.)

As I said on Bluesky yesterday, talking about both my fiction and my academic work:

Okay. That's all.

[luveline]

shy!reader and spencer who are in the early days of their relationship and are getting more comfortable with initiating physical affection with each other (especially reader lol) and spencer gets her to open up by playing with her hair / hands, tickling her, cuddling, the like <3

The first time Spencer let his head rest against yours, you were sure you’d die right there and then, half-asleep on the subway, then suddenly away as he’d started talking under his breath, his conversation for you and you alone. You'd flushed full body and forced yourself to stay still, until Spencer had confused your shyness for not wanting his weight against you and pulled away. 

This time you’re ready. This time, he’s working his arm over the top of your shoulders. Not a timid first move on the first date, he’d suffered through that already. Spencer lets his arm slip between your back and the couch as he tugs you toward him, resting his cheek against your temple, two points of skin turning hot as a burner. 

“Okay?” he asks quietly. 

You let yourself relax into it. “I’m fine.” 

“Did you want me to run that bath for you?” 

It’s imperative he doesn’t move. “No, I can do it. I’ll do it later, if that’s okay.” 

It’s Spencer’s bath, but he let you take one the last time you stayed the night, so you’ll work it out. You knew he wasn’t gonna peep on you, knew you were totally safe in his bathroom, but your heart hammered fast as a hummingbird’s whenever the floors creaked —just the idea of being near him when you were unclothed set you aflame. Your skin warms with the memory, a nervousness in your chest and hands that grows uncomfortably warm. 

You don’t move, though. You’re sending him all the wrong messages when you reject him out of timidity, you’re more than aware of it, but the longer he sits there gently holding you, the more the temptation to squirm builds. 

Spencer makes a soft, soft sound as his hand trails up your back, curling around your arm, and meandering a path to your elbow. 

“I got…” —Spencer begins, without any inclination to rush— “…more of that bath soak you liked, the camomile… and honey…”

You love the smell. Sometimes you swear you can smell it in his hair when he presses near you. 

“And a loufa, ‘cos you didn’t have one last time,” he adds. 

“Thank you.” 

“…You’re welcome.” He kisses the side of your head. Then, in a betrayal of his character, he laughs breathlessly, saying, “Sorry, I forgot what I was saying. The loufa– It’s purple. I put it on the towel rack, and I got you a new face towel, too, mine’s too rough for you.” 

“Did you get yourself a new one too?” 

“Yeah.” He taps your cheek, the hand you’d forgotten about drawing a short line to your jaw. “You’re pretty.” 

You drop your chin. 

“You are,” he says. 

“Thank you.” 

“You’re welcome.” Spencer’s hand slides down your neck, a caress that turns to a kind hold. “Can I…” He snorts softly. “You’re solid,” he says, squeezing your neck with enough pressure to wind you, which isn’t much. “You don’t have to get all tense.” 

“I’m trying really hard not to get tense,” you admit. 

“I know. I’m trying to help, but I’m just making it worse.” 

Spencer isn’t making it worse. Or, he wasn’t. “I thought you were gonna kiss me, is the thing.” 

“I was. Then you tensed up and I didn’t think I should.” His easy smile goes funny. “Could I have?” 

“Of course you could’ve,” you mumble, pressing your face into his shoulder before he can decimate the last of your self respect. He laughs —giggles, really, in a burst of sound— and tugs you in. “Not funny.”

He can hear the lie. “No, it’s not funny,” he agrees anyways, laying back and then moving forward, swaying you enough to turn the giggle into a full blown laugh. 

He murmurs something. You mumble back. His fingertips slip over the dip in your back and he’s saying something nice, if a little shy. It’s been nice getting closer to him, seeing the real Spencer, someone who’s hesitant but gentle beyond words. There’s no reason for him to be touching you like this, to talk sweet nothings behind your ear as he lugs you onto his chest, and maybe there’s no reason for you to melt. Butter in the sun, drifting bonelessly into his lap. 

“You smell like tea,” you say quietly. “I love it.” 

“You love it?” he asks, something oddly awed about him as he shifts your head back to look you in the eyes. 

“Mm. It’s nice. And your eyes are so brown… they’re my favourite thing about you.” 

Spencer teases the stripe of skin exposed by your rising t-shirt until you’re shivering again. “Thank you,” he says, letting one close in a wink as he taps your nose with his. “Am I allowed to say what I like about you, or–” You shake your head so violently he immediately stops. “Fine. But only because I want to sit like this for the rest of the night with you.” 

“I still need a shower.” 

“Later,” he says, his lips resting on your chin. “Way, way later, please.” 

[feuervogel]

Some friends of mine told me about the app Paprika, which is kinda like the Evernote web clipper but only for recipes. Annoyingly, you can't bulk edit the tags, so if you want to be able to sort your recipes, you have to do it one by one. But it works pretty well and has an integrated shopping list function, which is neat even if I don't use it. The free version is very limited, but it should work well enough to see if you like it.

Though, that said, it's always a good idea to keep a local back-up! Whether it's on paper or saved on your hard drive in a word/rtf/txt document.

Bring back recipe boxes on giant note cards! Bring back those church recipe books that have all sorts of fuckin weird-ass recipes in them! Gather your friends' favorites and make a little memento dealy for each other!

You should be starting a recipe book. I don't give a shit if you're only 20-years-old. The modern web is rotting away bit by bit before our very eyes. You have no idea when that indie mom blog is going down or when Pinterest will remove that recipe. Copy it down in a notebook, physically or digitally. Save it somewhere only you can remove it. Trust me, looking for a recipe only to find out it's been wiped off the internet is so fucking sad. I've learned my lesson one too many times.

[eowynstwin]

peristalsis - ii.

selkie!soap x reader. depression. suicidal ideation. strangers to "lovers." 4.9k. . Running away from life to the Scottish Hebrides, you meet a man who won't leave you alone. . Masterlist. Ao3.

previous

You sleep long enough that, when you wake up, you have enough energy to cry.

It’s a big one. The kind of cry that threatens to turn your throat out, with how hard you sob. Alone in the cottage, far away from anything resembling civilization, you wail like wounded animal, choking on your own tears and mucus, losing track of your body buried underneath the covers—

But it happens at a remove. You watch yourself implode from someplace deep inside, not entirely sure why it’s happening at all—but long past trying to figure it out.

This is how it’s been for a while. There’s nothing special about it anymore. Nothing urgent. Most of the time, you are a blank space of a person, a vacuum where joy or rage or fear should be, but occasionally some maelstrom or another kicks up to fill it in, and your only course of action is to ride it out until it ends.

You’ve stopped trying to fix it. And you’ve stopped hoping anyone else can, either.

So you cry, until at last, you’re empty again. Or you’re too tired to continue. The difference is negligible, but functionally irrelevant. Once it’s done, you get out of bed.

The pressure in the shower is as weak as Johnny reported, but the water is indeed warm when you turn it on; you stand naked under the flow, arms hanging at your sides.

The day stretches itself out before you with nothing to occupying it, just as you’d planned. Nothing to work towards; no effort to put forward. Nothing, thanks to your choice of locale, to feel guilty about not seeking out.

A day of peace and utter quiet.

Suddenly—violent banging, somewhere in the cottage. It startles you; you jump so sharply at the noise that you smack your wrist on the soap caddy attached to the shower wall. The banging comes again—annoyed, you realize with no little bemusement that someone is at the front door.

You wrap yourself in a towel and hobble out of the bathroom to answer it, a piece of your mind on your tongue, dart-shaped and ready to fly—

Of course it’s Johnny.

Johnny, big and burly in a sweater, kilt, and pelt once again, two paper cups balanced in one large hand and a grocery bag hanging from the other. Whose dark brows shoot up his forehead as his eyes travel with surprise, and blatant appreciation, down the dripping length your body.

“Well, good mornin’, bonnie,” he purrs.

“What,” you grunt. A cold breath of wind chooses that moment to force its way through the door, gasping across the shower water still running in rivulets from your hair to the rolled edge of your towel. Goosebumps erupt from your bare skin in millions of simultaneous pinpricks—you flinch bodily at the chill.

“Ah, hell’s bells, don’t just stand there,” Johnny says, following the wind. “It’s freezin,’ go on, let me get in, hurry.”

You let him step inside, for some reason, and he shuts the door behind him with the heel of his boot. He wastes no time after that, heading to the kitchen to set down his things.

“Brought breakfast!” he says cheerfully. “There’s this bakery on Barra I thought you’d like, fresh doughnuts and coffee. Dunno how you take yours, but there’s sugar in the pantry and cream in the fridge.”

“I don’t want breakfast,” you say.

“What? ‘Course you do. I’m no’ takin’ you seal-watchin’ on an empty stomach.”

He starts unpacking the grocery bag and setting things on the counter while your jaw hangs open. Several things occur to you to say—I never agreed to that and what the hell is wrong with you, for starters—but your stomach growls at him before you can. The aroma of fresh-baked pastry wafts through the kitchen when he opens one box, and he turns to grin at you, cheeks dimpling.

“Do you get dressed, bonnie,” he says. “It’ll still be here when y’get back.”

It is less polite than he perhaps intends it to be, given that his gaze travels appreciatively across your bare shoulders. You cross your arms fruitlessly over your chest and, nothing else for it, retreat to the bedroom, feeling his eyes on you the whole way.

You return to the kitchen after having pulled on wool leggings and the same fleecy sweater from the day before. Johnny, one hip set against the counter, has a cup of steaming coffee in one hand and a half-eaten cruller in the other, crumbs at the corner of his mouth.

“Got anythin’ heavier?” he asks around a chewed-up mouthful. “Gets cold out there.”

You look down at his bare calves, broad and taut and covered in a down of dark hair. “You seem alright.”

“I’m used to it,” he says, shrugging—the muscles flexing under your gaze.

You purse your lips. “I don’t have anything.” You hadn’t intended to leave the cottage overmuch.

You approach the counter. Johnny does not move a centimeter, forcing you to stand close as you pick through the two boxes of doughnuts and feel the body heat radiating off of him, displacing the scent of fried dough with his musk.

“That’s all right,” he says. You’re close enough to hear the way his voice hums deep in his chest. “I can keep you warm.”

You snatch a plain glazed from the box and take two very large steps away from him. The hair on the back of your neck lifts as you press against the sink behind you. If he notices your reaction, it doesn’t seem to bother him in the slightest—he lifts the cup to his lips and drinks, eyes sliding closed with simple, obvious pleasure, dark lashes curling against his cheek.

You take the brief respite from his gaze to stare at him. In the morning light, on a full night of sleep, you can almost believe that whatever you’d seen in him yesterday had been nothing more than a misfire of exhausted synapses. An overlay of a dream; a circadian prompt to rectify nearly seventeen hours of sleeplessness. You’d been cold, and tired, and hungry. That was all.

You bite down on your doughnut, not really tasting it. The nerves along your spine twitch and contract around the memory of his flashing gaze.

His eyes open again, and he smiles at you. “Good?” He flicks a look at the single bite you’ve taken, looks at your mouth, and then waits for your reply.

“It’s fine,” you grumble. Then, “How did you get here? I didn’t hear the truck drive up. Do you live close by?”

“Sometimes,” he says. He looks pleased that you’ve asked, that you’re interested at all, and you immediately regret inquiring. “Live on a boat, me. Moored in the cove right now.”

“A…boat,” you say.

“Aye.” A wisp of dark hair, something he must have missed when he gelled his mohawk this morning, flutters as he nods. “Nice and cozy. Not as grand as all this, mind.” He gestures around with coffee and doughnut at the less than five hundred square feet of the cottage. “But it’s still a sight nicer than some other places I’ve slept.”

He’s likely hinting at his military service. “Okay,” is all you say, unwilling to entertain it.

He smirk—undeterred. “We’ll take her out once you’re ready.”

“I never said I was going.”

Dark brows lift. “Got somethin’ else planned for today?” he asks, incredulous, as if he never imagined you wouldn’t want to hang out with him.

“No, I—”

You wrack your brain. You have no intention of explaining to this complete stranger that the last thing you’d wanted to do, when you booked this trip, was really anything at all—and in fact, you hadn’t even considered that that might be something anyone else would care much about.

Much less proactively address.

“No,” you repeat, sulking.

Johnny considers you, chewing. His eyes do not stray, this time, to places they don’t belong; but there’s an insight to them. A sharp awareness. A perception in his gaze that is just as undressing, as if whatever is going on with you is visible to the naked eye.

“I figure,” he says, slowly, as if to coax, “you put your wee shoes on, an’ I’ll pack this back up, and we take it along.”

“You don’t have to do this,” you grouse. “I don’t need you to, like—be my tour guide.”

“Aye, but that doesnae mean I don’t wanna,” he retorts, smiling.

He shoves the last bite of cruller in his mouth and gazes patiently at you as he works it with his jaw, the muscles flexing along his temples as he chews.

Exhaustion, your constant companion, stares you down alongside him. It would take so much more energy to fight him than to go along with whatever he has planned. Energy you just don’t have anymore. And going along doesn’t mean you have to pretend to enjoy yourself—it’s not like you care enough about Johnny’s self-esteem to conjure up a happy face to show him.

You can go, and be a bitch about it, and once you do maybe he’ll realize you’re not at all worth the effort he’s making, and then finally leave you alone.

“Fine,” you say, which is how you end up on a fishing trawler headed south toward, ostensibly, a colony of breeding seals.

It’s an old vessel—that much is obvious. Its edges and corners are dull with the passage of time and constant maintenance, scuffed by innumerable passes-over with cleaner and cloth. Mildew competes with the aroma of fresh varnish as Johnny leads you onto the bridge, which is mercifully closed in from the ocean wind.

The interior is mostly wood of a warm, orangish variety—you can’t tell if that’s a decision made with aesthetics or function in mind. The space comprises a kitchen, surprisingly well-appointed with a stove, sink, countertop, and fridge, and a small sitting area with both couch and booth seating. Surrounding windows allow in the grey light of the morning.

“Bought it off an old bloke on Lewis,” Johnny says, taking his place at the wheel, which is in a little alcove off the kitchen.

If you’d thought steering a boat would have curtailed his chatting, you’d have been wrong—he seems to have no trouble with that and talking, incessantly, at the same time, as he pulls the vessel away from the cove and into the open water.

“All his family moved to the mainland, he told me, an’ this is after generations fishin’ these islands, even makin’ it through the Clearances! No money in it anymore, he said, not like you could make in some office somewhere countin’ someone else’s money.” He checks something on the dashboard in front of him, but it doesn’t distract him for long. “Held on for a while, but people just kept leavin,’ an’ he was gettin’ too old to go out on his own. Got such a good price on it, I think he was just happy someone else was gonna take up the tradition.”

“Did he sell you the cottage too?” you ask, and then dig your nails into your wrist for encouraging him.

“Yup,” he says. “No one else wanted it, but me? I saw somethin’ special about it.”

He turns to smile at you—no doubt pleased you made the connection. You avert your gaze.

“Imagine someday I’ll have my own family here,” he continues. “Good place for it. Nice and slow, not like city living. Can hear yourself think out here. Perfect place to have a few wee ones.”

“If people stop leaving,” you mutter.

He turns to you again. “I’m no’ worried about that,” he replies. He’s still smiling. “You came here, after all.”

You have nothing to say to that.

The trip is a short one—Johnny brings the trawler alongside an island he informs you is called Mingulay, a square mile smaller than Vatersay’s tiny dot in the North Atlantic. Unlike the latter, he says, this island has not been inhabited since 1912, and has been completely reclaimed by the ocean and its wildlife.

After he drops anchor offshore, Johnny disappears down a steep flight of stairs below deck, which he had not offered a tour of, and emerges a short time later with a large, bulky coat.

“Didn’t I tell you?” he says proudly, holding it out by the shoulders. “Here, turn ‘round.”

You pause in the middle of reaching for it. You don’t know exactly why you comply—it occurs to you that if you grabbed for the jacket, he could simply not let go of it, and you would end up exactly where he wants you anyway. So you lower your arm and, resigned, give him your back.

He steps up behind you. Warmth pours off of him, more than you think any human body should be able to generate.

You hear him inhale, deeply, as he brings the jacket to your back. As you slide your arms into the sleeves, you feel his exhale on the nape of your neck, teasing through individual follicles of hair.

“There w’go,” he murmurs, much closer than you expected.

You can hear the low hum of his voice in his chest; his hands linger on your shoulders far longer than they need to, heavy, big enough that his index fingers brush along your collarbones.

When his hands make to slide down your back you step away from him and fumble to zip the jacket up; he chuckles lightly behind you. When you turn to face him, his lips are curled—smug.

“Alright then,” he says. “Let’s get out there.”

He rows the two of you to shore in a small kayak, two pairs of binoculars in your lap as you huddle away from the wind. You’ll be walking to the haul-out, he says—getting too close to the breeding grounds, which he calls a rookery, would spook them, possibly causing a stampede.

“It’s grey seals we’re gonna see,” he explains as the two of you pick your way across the rocky landscape. “Not the biggest haul-out you could see, some colonies get into the thousands, but we’ll have it all to ourselves.”

He insists on taking your elbow every time the two of you cross particularly uneven terrain, even though you don’t need it. You think he takes your attempts to shake him off as proof of your lack of balance, because he grasps you all the tighter every time.

“I’m not a child, Johnny, I can walk on my own,” you finally snap at him.

“Just bein’ a gentleman, bonnie,” he replies nonchalantly. He does not let you go.

As you get closer, you hear the seals before you see them, and when their voices reach you across the open island, you stop dead.

Groaning, grunting, hissing in a cacophonous chorus. Some part of your hindbrain double-takes, reshuffles itself—some ancestral instinct always on the lookout for predation. If you’d been given a chance to guess what a colony of mating seals might have sounded like, you’re not sure you could have guessed what they sounded like.

Certainly not like what you hear now—

Like people.

Johnny grins at you when he notices. “Aye, it’s a right ruckus, innit?”

He leads you up a small rise, where he has the two of you settle belly-down over the machair to overlook the wedge of rocky coast that the colony has claimed for its own.

And when you finally see it—it’s underwhelming.

Perhaps two hundred long, fat bodies, in varying shades of brown and grey, lay indolently along the rocks, in groups of three or four, some heavily galumphing from one place to another while others roll occasionally from side to side. The shifting winds catch their scent and blow it uncaringly into your face; you nearly gag at the admixture of dead fish and ammonia.

It doesn’t escape you that this is a rare thing to witness; you are not wholly immune to the fact that you are only a hundred meters away from something most people only encounter on a screen. It’s just that without a swell of awed music in the backdrop, or a narrator’s breathless wonder at the miracle of pinniped life, what’s left for you to observe is a population of wet, stinking animals, shitting where they lay, vocalizing without cease while they laze about doing basically nothing.

Johnny does not seem to notice your disillusionment; he hands you one pair of binoculars, and directs your attention to activity along the shoreline. You follow to where he’s pointing; one larger seal is hassling a smaller one, which snarls at the aggressor as it thrashes around with its substantial bulk.

“Little one there—” Johnny says, “that’s a female, probably obvious. Big one knows she’s ready to mate, can smell it on her.”

The female bares her teeth and lunges at the bigger male, which flinches back but holds his ground.

“Doesn’t look like she agrees,” you mutter.

“She’s just givin’ him a hard time. She’s all in heat, see? Just makes her cranky,” Johnny says. You feel his eyes on you, and lower your binoculars to look at him. “She’s got to fuss to feel all in control.”

You flush. “Right.”

“You don’t think so?”

“No,” you say. “He’s—he’s just bothering her.”

He gazes at you for a moment, contemplative. Corners of his mouth quirking upward. He does not reply for a long moment, long enough that you have to avert your gaze from his.

“Nah,” he finally says, and you don’t think you’re imagining the low, sultry note in his voice. “She wants it bad as he does.”

You scowl, uncomfortably perceived, and return your binoculars—the pair is still facing off, gurgling and growling at each other. The female is slim, almost sleek, unlike most of the other seals populating the rookery.

“Is she sick?” you ask.

“Hm? Oh, no, she’s alright. The mums lose a lot of weight when they nurse. Takes three weeks, and they don’t eat in the meantime.”

“Jesus.”

“Be nice if the dads ever brought ‘em a bite, aye?” Johnny agrees. “Deadbeats, the lot of them.”

The two of you survey the colony in silence for a moment. As the morning wears on, the cloud covering thins overhead, allowing cool sunlight to filter through. The temperature doesn’t rise in response; begrudgingly, you tug Johnny’s jacket a little tighter around you.

Then, suddenly, his hand lands on your back, between your shoulder blades.

“Got some pups over there,” he says. “Look, by the kelp.”

You find them; smaller bodies, white dinged with wet sand and dirt, lounge near their mothers or wriggle with aimless difficulty. They’re fluffy and round as plush toys, with shining black eyes and noses, and once Johnny’s pointed them out you can differentiate the higher, sweeter pitch of their cries from the overall cacophony.

“Sometimes,” Johnny murmurs, “search and rescue’ll get called out because someone thought they heard a baby crying. Some kid stranded or lost, right? Turns out to be a baby seal.”

“That’s kind of scary,” you say.

“Aye,” says Johnny. “Always makes me think that’s where the old legends come from, about seal people or mermaids.”

A small ways away, some of the mothers lay with their pups far into the surf, letting the waves break over them. You watch as one mother thunks her large head overtop of her pup’s as the water rushes toward them; the pup wriggles, and then, as the wave engulfs them, it begins to thrash, whipping up a panicked froth.

“Time for swimming lessons already?” Johnny muses. “Seems early.”

You’re horrified. “She’s going to drown it!”

The hand still on your back pats you consolingly. “Just watch,” says Johnny.

The wave reaches as far up the shore as gravity allows, and then begins to recede. The pup’s thrashing calms as the air meets its face once again; the cow allows the pup to lift its head, and after a few sputters, the pup seems no worse for wear.

“They’re hardier than they look, bonnie,” Johnny says.

His hand, heavy and warm even over his borrowed jacket, slides down from your shoulders to your lower back, and then he rubs, slowly, side to side, as if to comfort you—but the knobs of your spine contract at his touch.

“Last of the births this season, looks like,” he says. “Mum’s getting ready to leave—probably not the only one.”

Something hard drops into your stomach.

“They leave their babies?” you ask.

“Aye. Once they’re done nursing, they mate, and then they go.”

You look back at the other cows with their pups. One baby has its muzzle to its mother’s belly, quivering and suckling, while she lays with her head on a patch of grass. She looks uninterested—more, she looks disinterested. As if how voraciously her pup is nursing has nothing much to do with her, and she’s bored of even having to think about it.

Bored—and already looking forward to the next part of her life without a baby in it.

“That’s horrible,” you say.

“They’re solitary animals, bonnie,” Johnny says, not ungently. “The only time they’re really all together is for this.”

A line tightens between your stomach and throat, and you feel it start to build between your ribs. A tremor—foreshocks. The wind picks up, bringing a sharp chill off the ocean and up the rise that cuts into your stinging eyes, abrades the naked skin of your hands and the exposed part of your neck.

When you look through your binoculars again, you wonder how many of the pups you see have already been abandoned.

“Aw, bonnie,” Johnny says. There’s a kind of pity in his voice that has your hackles raising.

“I want to leave,” you say, yanking away from his touch and shuffling down the incline. “Take me back to the cottage.”

“Bonnie, it’s okay!” Johnny protests, rolling to his back to look at you as you stand. “The pups make it, they figure out how to fend for themselves.”

You glare at him, vision blurring. “All of them?”

Some part of you knows you’re being irrational—knows that nature is a cruel home, and that many children face worse fates than the seal pups. Abandoning the young, the needy, is no aberration; it is, in fact, far more the standard than the human practice, which lingers for decades—

Most of the time.

Johnny has no response. He holds your angry gaze, brows drawn low, mouth pressed into a thin line. It’s the first time that cocky aura, which seems to rest in every fine line on his face and every angle at which he holds his body, is completely absent.

He isn’t reflecting your anger back at you, though—he’s internalizing it. Letting it hit him, you think, and trying to use it to figure you out.

You do not want to be figured out.

You scoff again. “Take me back,” you repeat, and then you start walking in the direction you came, without waiting for him to follow.

Johnny drops you off in the cove, and thankfully does not linger this time before he departs—he bids you farewell after rowing you to shore, contemplation on his face, and then leaves you to yourself.

You retreat, seeking the cottage’s empty quiet.

As you perch on the couch you listen to the radiator hum—the wind blow over the reeds in the thatch roof—your own heart beating a drum in the arteries of your neck.

Percussive. Quick and hard. Like heavy knockers on a door. Pounding as if to burst through.

You realize you’re still wearing Johnny’s jacket, and you throw it off, disgusted with yourself. You get up and pace, and try to ignore it lying in a heap on the floor.

You do something you swore you wouldn’t do the moment you set foot on the island—you turn your phone back on.

True to Johnny’s word, there’s no signal. You picked this island, this part of the world, for a reason; for the past several years, a slow exodus from the British isles has vacated the need for dedicated cell towers or satellite or internet access, especially given that the only ones who remain are too old now to want it or need it or know how to use it.

It’s isolated. Cut off. Left behind by anyone with better options, and only clung to by those trying to preserve the only way of life they know.

Some kinder part of you belongs with that demographic; the part that was telling your mother the truth, before getting on the plane.

The rest of you holds your phone up and starts walking around.

In the furthest corner in the bedroom, you find a single bar of signal. A tiny chip of connectivity—a thin, frayed thread. Something you lied to yourself about cutting.

It’s a weak connection. Unstable. It could take a while—you stand there, waiting.

The screen dims. You tap it again.

Blank.

You unlock it, look through your apps. Wonder if maybe your notifications are bugged by your new SIM card.

Nothing—

No one.

You whip around and, with a cry, pitch the thing at the far wall—it hits the stone with a crunch, falling to the floor in pieces.

You’re out of the cottage then in a mad dash, door slamming behind you, driving yourself back into the wind. Far away—you want to be far away, far from everything, so far that nothing could possibly reach you. You trudge down the path toward the beach, banding your arms across your chest, shivering in the cold, and yet you hardly feel it.

Not worth it. No point. Waste of your time. Energy. All of it. Stop trying. Stop wanting. Nothing. Nothing. You want nothing.

You’re halfway down to the shore, not really knowing what you’re going to do when you get there, when you catch sight of a body on the sand.

You gasp, a sharp breath down your larynx, and freeze in a dead halt.

The body is completely still.

A swimmer? A diver? It’s dark, like it just pulled itself out of the ocean—or washed up—

Then, it moves. A twitch, a ripple across its bulk, and your chest rapidly decompresses.

A seal. It’s a large seal, lounging alone on the beach.

You stand motionless. You’re very close—much closer than you and Johnny had been at the rookery. You hadn’t contended with the sheer size of the animals, tucked safely up and away from them, but there is no illusion of distance now.

It’s the biggest one you’ve seen today, you’re sure of it. Bigger, you think, than most adult men. Its pelt is a riot of every shade of grey, splashy, like liquid paint thrown across a canvas. Black speckles scatter overtop of marbled white and cool slate, and down the center of its back is a broad, dark line, soft at the edges, which reaches all the way up to the top of the seal’s head.

The bull—it must be male—turns over. It lifts its head, and opens its eyes—

Fear suddenly zips up your spine as it looks right at you.

You stumble backward and trip on your own feet, landing hard on your ass. Johnny’s care with keeping enough distance from the colony rushes back to you, along with the warring couple’s bared teeth.

They can’t move that fast on land, right? They aren’t interested in people, right?

You scramble backward. It’s so much bigger than you ever would have imagined. If it got to you—threw itself over you—it could crush you with its weight alone—

The bull watches you placidly. Unperturbed.

You pause.

Its small eyes are dark and glossy—watchful and focused. The whiskers on its muzzle twitch a little as it takes you in. It breathes, deeply and evenly, huge body expanding and contracting at a slow, calm tempo. Its—his—nostrils flex, widening and narrowing, as he blinks docilely.

Unafraid.

If anything—curious.

Then he snorts, and wriggles in place. It startles a laugh out of you, more reaction than humor. Still watching you, the bull lowers his head back down, resting it again on the sand.

Your heartbeat abates. He doesn’t move again—nor does his attention leave you. Slowly, you sit up.

Wary. No sudden movements.

He doesn’t react; only continues to watch you.

You draw your knees up. Wrap your arms around your shins, and dust a bit of sand from your leggings. Rest your chin in the crevice between your knees.

There’s an intelligence in the bull’s eyes that is fathoms deep. There is a massive gulf between his experience of the world and yours, millennia of evolution separating your species from his—and yet…as you hold his gaze, you recognize the look in it.

Him, seeing you. And seeing you see him. The pendulum swinging between awareness of each other, and recognition of that shared awareness.

An empty space in the cloud cover passes overhead; sunlight touches the earth, warms it briefly before disappearing again. You wonder a little why this bull isn’t with the other seals.

Johnny would probably know.

“I didn’t come for you, you know,” you grumble at him.

The seal blinks. Awareness notwithstanding, you don’t share any language.

You sigh. “I guess you didn’t come to see me either,” you say.

But you don’t move away.

And you stay like that for a long while, you and he—regarding each other as the wind breathes out across the shore.

next chapter early access

a/n: follow for more seal facts™

Also huge thanks to Lev for trawler listings/info. Didn't explore it much this chapter but Soap's boat will show up more soon :)

[artytaeh]

𓆸 ֗ ˳ DRABBLE : [ meschinità ostinata ] 𔓘

theodore is a man of patience, or at least that's what his reserved behavior hints at. obviously, everyone has a limit; if you made your moodiness his problem, then he'll make his annoyance yours. it's only fair, right?

taglist : p in v, hinting towards theodore being a brat tamer. no further descriptions because i don't ruin surprises. obvious +18 content; read at your own risk.

"you're not stopping, are you?" the thick italian accent doesn't cover for the clear tease within his tone, a breathy chuckle leaving theodore's lips, as his hand smacks another slap to your asscheeks: "come on, tesoro; you have a lot to apologize for, don't you?"

one would have thought that, from the way theodore seems oh so patient with his girlfriend, that any annoyance would be sucked up, forgiven and forgotten. although theo is a good boyfriend... he's also a slytherin, and slytherins rarely forget resentments without a good bribery, you know? like a serpent, theo cunningly waits for the right time to strike.

in a more rational part of your mind — since everything else seems to become too blurry and white out.from the pleasure that keeps poking on that sweet spot, again, and again and again —, you ponder about regret.

should you have been impatient this afternoon? no, it wasn't fair to push your pettiness and moody behavior onto theodore, especially not when the italian was just trying to smoke his afternoon cigarette, hopefully to expel some accumulated stress, from this week's assignments.

do you regret it? not exactly.

how can anyone regret anything, if the outcome is theodore nott under you, blue eyes piercing into your soul with the cockiness of who knows what he's doing — gaze dispersing from your fucked out expression, only to stare in marvel at the way your chest bounces with every. single. movement. of your hips? oh, he's loving this.

theo loves your bratty side.

it's not a secret either. why do you think he likes the sassy ones? the comebacks make him laugh, and theo definitely laughs harder when he gets you so tired and fucked out of your attitude, that not even a huff of annoyance he gets out of you.

and he's working in that direction.

well, it's more accurate to say that he's making you work for that.

his hand lazily settles on your hip, caressing the skin already tainted with darkening fingermarks; so what? it feels so damn good to be inside you, it always has theodore muttering in italian—cursing and praising, depending on his tone, you've learned from pure experience. the other one, as if to taunt your attempts of scolding his unhealthy habit of smoking, holds a cigarette between his index and ring finger.

you know, the ones he used to impatiently prepare you for his cock, still wet with your slick. theo loves to feel you drooling for him, already fidgety and sensitive when he slips inside you — or, in this case, having seen you sink onto his painfully hard erection. the heaven's view, he swears.

taking a drag from his cigarette, theodore ponders whether you deserve an incentive, or to have him being mean with you. weren't you so smart earlier?

his fingers bruise the skin on your hipbone yet again, this time thrusting up for a harsh thrust, contrasting with this slow rhythm you're providing. theo scoffs, "seriously, is this your way to apologize for your bitchy behavior? dai, amore, non deludermi."

as if it's that easy to make your body work faster; it's already uncomfortable to be in this position, especially overwhelmed from his fingers!

not that theo cares about that, anyway.

another harsh slap to your asscheeks; a raise of his left eyebrow, and you know that he's losing his patience: "don't make me do it for you, dolcezza. i'll rip manners out of you."

and as delightful as that sounds, you're not sure if you could take that sort of overstimulation today. not when you're already like this, even less when theodore is savoring the idea of bullying your pretty lips and sensitive core.

so, hands falling for support on his abdomen, you do your best to ignore the aching on your thighs — perhaps you should do this more often or exercise? — you force yourself to lift your hips, only to slam them again until theodore is so deep inside you, that your clit makes a wet mess of his groin. theodore fucking loves that, expelling the smoke from his lips with a breathless chuckle, head tilting back to the headboard.

yeah, mattheo is probably sleeping in the common room tonight.

not appreciating the lack of response, zero empathy towards the effort you're already doing, theodore sneaks his free hand amidst the mess of your hair. his fingers tangle between your locks, until his nails lightly scratch over your scalp and tug you closer to him; a demand from him that feels ridiculously good to you. his free hand moves the cigarette away from his lips, and taking the chance of your gasp from the extra tug on your hair, theodore blows the burning smoke to your lips; inside your mouth. taunting how much you dislike this vice of his.

nicotine swirls between your tongues as they meet; that, however, isn't the reason why you crawl back to him everytime.

theodore nott is a drug of his own.

perhaps he decides to be nicer now, sloppily exchanging slow kisses with you, letting his hips roll upwards to pursue his orgasm.

"non puoi nemmeno essere una vera troia," theo is so close to you, that the movement of his lips, pronouncing each foreign word, brush against yours, creating a tingling sensation that only adds to the notion of being cursed and insulted—at least, that's what your intuition tells you.

his hand blindly abandons his cigarette on the ashtray, keenly aware that you can feel—and taste—that acid smell of tobacco and cigarettes, less considerate than he usually is about your irking over it. his fingers grip your jaw, his thumb squeezing your cheek as his other fingers do the same, not even letting you moan from each sharp thrust that kisses your cervix.

"cazzo, it makes me want to laugh at you. you talk, talk, talk my ear off," even breathless, theo seems to have too much to say; it should be embarrassing, really, if his disdain didn't make your inner walls clench tighter around his thickness. "and can't even own your bitching afterwards. didn't even properly apologize; maybe you don't deserve this, huh?"

it takes a moment for you to understand the implication there, too distracted by the toe curling sensation of being repeatedly filled up. it's when theodore stops, resting on the mattress once more and giving up on the fluid movement of his hips, previously bouncing you on his groin, that your eyes widen with disbelief. seriously?

at first, you think about calling him out for his pettiness.

but it's the smug look and smirk that makes you want to sob instead, dignity crumbling to ashes, reborn as despair to finally cum. please, please.

his hand lowers to your neck, fingers curling around your throat, even though there's not much of a threat there. it's a loose grip; not even properly holding it, a simple squeeze that feels rather gentle, more like he's mocking you, in a way.

the worst is that theodore isn't even being mean. no, this is him having fun; if he was being mean, he'd be teasing you about the first semblance of frustrated tears, and you'd have to cry for it.

picking up the pieces of any strength left, the smartest choice is to surrender yourself, hopefully calming down the fire that burns within theodore's temper to slowly sneak into his good graces again. your hips move — unable to exert the tired muscles of your thighs — grinding helplessly against the firm muscles of his groin, the movement enough to rip out a low groan from theodore, appeased that he won't listen any whines from you, for now.

"brava ragazza," comes as a praise; before the compliment gets over your head, his free hand slaps your thigh, "go on. use me like a toy, carina, cum on my cock."

yeah, this would be a long night.

[gyaruhana]

Can you do namgyu hatefuck headcanons?

Nam-Gyu/Player 124 - hatefuck headcannons

Synopsis: hate fucking with namgyu !!

A/N: I love him more and more everyday..

Warnings: smut content, hate sex, rough sex, degradation, spitting, anal sex, choking, hair pulling, face fucking, humiliation sex, dom AND sub namgyu :3

➠ hate sex with namgyu is so rough

➠ There's really a very slim chance you'll manage to dom him because he refuses to submit and will become violent !!

➠ He's so degrading honestly

➠ Constantly calls you a whore, a slut - basically every degrading name in the book

➠ there's like no time to process what's happening because he just walks up to you and slams you against the wall with a hand around your throat

➠ Sometimes, he doesn't bother with any prep and just makes you take his dick dry but other times he likes to tease you and edge you to make you cry

➠ On that note, really loves making you cry

➠ He will laugh at your face when you cry and mock you even more but it totally makes him so hard to see tears running down your face

➠ Those times where he chooses to edge you, don't expect to cum at all.

➠ he'll just shove his cock down your throat and fuck your face until he cums down your throat (and a little on your face too so he can call you a dirty slut)

➠ Then he'll walk away like that totally didn't happen and leave you on your own

➠ His number one joy in life (aside from drugs) is making you submit

➠ There's something about forcing you into submission and fucking you that makes him so unbelievably horny

➠ Do expect him to slap you actually

➠ For no reason at all too

➠ He'll just slap you (hard) and laugh when you cry about it

➠ Probably spits either into your mouth or on your face..

➠ He just likes watching the way your face contorts into disgust.

➠ If it's in your mouth, swallow it otherwise he will get even rougher

➠ probably into anal sex as crazy as that might sound

➠ Like I said, he likes seeing you submit and fucking your ass is such a good way to have control over you

➠ It also gives him wonderful access to your hair which he will pull at roughly!

➠ hear me out: sex in front of his friends

➠ I can just imagine him liking it so much when he humiliates you in front of his friends

➠ Like he'd totally fuck you on the bathroom floor and let Thanos watch

➠ Maybe he likes humiliating you a little too much..

➠ During games, he'll totally try throw you off by whispering something sexual to you

➠ He honestly could care less if you die because he hates you

➠ He only fucks you because it's funny for him..

➠ Overall, rough and mean dickhead when it comes to hate sex

"You fucking dirty slut," Nam-gyu speaks before letting out a slight laugh. Aside from getting high on drugs, fucking you like this might be his favorite thing in the world. Watching you cry as he stretches your tight hole around his dick does things to him he doesn't want to admit. Plus, you were a good stress reliever whenever the games had him worried or Thanos refused to give him a pill. Seeing your tears was basically a drug in itself and it made him grin so unbelievably wide. It was a joy to watch you cry out like this as he fucked his cock into you over and over. "Maybe I should fuck your ass next, huh? You'd probably like that despite the way you're bitchin' right now,"

➠ WAIT!! what if you got him to somehow submit..?

➠ He tries to act so unaffected when the tables are turned and you're fucking him but he's not very good at it

➠ Tries to be quiet but he can't stop all the sounds so there's a lot of muffled whines and maybe even a little bit of whimpering

➠ Will make a few rude comments in order to gain some sort of control but it doesn't work

➠ Do make him cum over and over again because he gets sensitive so fast

➠ honestly will start crying slightly at one point if he's too overstimulated.

➠ If you push him far enough he will beg you to stop with his eyes closed tight and tears running down his face

➠ I swear he can't handle it when you ride his cock

➠ no matter the pace you're going, it's always so much for him

➠ little pathetic mumbles of how it's too much for him

➠ he always acts like nothing happened afterward and continues to be an asshole as if he wasn't crying into the pillow just last night

➠ Overall, subby namgyu is highkey a sensitive crier

"Too- Too much! Fuck-" Nam-gyu cursed out as he threw his head back. You had been riding his cock for what felt like an eternity and he had already orgasmed three times into your tight hole. The way you were squeezing around him and continuously milking his cum out of him had him in tears. He was well aware he couldn't run from you considering you had him pinned down to the bed as you rode his dick so he just laid there and prayed you would have enough soon and leave his poor, sensitive cock alone. Otherwise, he might just pass out from the over whelming pleasure stinging his body. "ngh- god, it hurts- gentle.. please,"

[tabiito]

DEBÍ TIRAR MÁS FOTOS — hard launching with the blue lock boys after a rumour includes: sae, karasu, rin + bonus: shidou note: i've tried to keep fcs ambigious but unfortunately i was to only find fem bodied ones, ima work and make the next part more gender neutral

Sae Itoshi, who reads the rumour and straight up announces your engagement

Sae squints over your shoulder as your lips part in disbelief over the brazen lies the gossip account has been posting. You feel his hot breath on your bare shoulder, stretching your arm further, knowing he's not wearing his reading glasses which he's left in the villa.

It's a lovely summer evening in Mallorca, miles away from Ibiza, and by some eerie circumstance the beach at your resort is empty, save for the two of you. Your day of sunbathing and reading had been pleasant, however, this preposterous rumour poked through your sanctuary of peace as a friend forwarded it to you.

This was one of many you'd had to endure in your three years of dating Sae (longer, if you'd count the long-distance pining), so it doesn't bother you as much. You know what you were getting into when you set your sights on a football prodigy as successful and good looking as Sae, though he hates how you placidly accept this news with a purse of your lips and a sigh.

He feels offence on your behalf as he spies the hotel staff setting up the candlelight dinner he plans on proposing to you at at the edge of the shore, the Cartier ring you've been eyeing for the longest time tucked into his bag.

Pressing a kiss to the juncture of skin between your neck and shoulder, he ignores the guilt that's creeping up his spine when he tells you to "pay the paparazzi no mind."

He can't help himself to slip his phone out and snap a picture of the scenery before him, you basking in the twilight in your bikini top, a copy of My Year of Rest and Relaxation over your eyes as the blazing Sun sinks into the sea.

The decision to keep your relationship private was a mutual one; in the initial stages Sae didn't want you to be harassed by his legions of loyal fans, and you didn't want Sae, known for his private image to be harangued by reporters when they should be focusing on his performance. You never really talked about reverting this decision, and as time with him flew by, you became an expert at dealing with the baggage that comes with being involved with a celebrity.

However, when Sae feels your incadescent smile against his lips, the band on your finger glinting in the moonlight, the images of the beginning of a shared life flashing at the back of his head, he thinks that you shouldn't have to deal with his baggage any longer; not when the two of you were starting a chapter together.

Later that night, inhaling the scent of the ocean and strawberry margaritas in your hair as you sleep peacefully in his arms, Sae hits "post."

Oliver Aiku, who needs to be defended by you, the only person who he's ever posted

"Ooh, you're getting clocked," you giggle, carding your free hand through his hair and swiping through your Twitter feed with the other. Cracking one emerald eye open, Oliver lets out a weary sigh.

"What now?", he grumbles. "If they've finally traced back all those Barou dating rumours to me just know I've included you in my will."

"'Included'? Am I not getting your entire estate, you stingy old man?", you tease, tugging at his roots. He groans in response, mimicking a ruffled cat who'd just been rudely interrupted from its afternoon nap.

"And no, apparently, your exes have grouped together to do a confessional on you in some tabloid," you chuckle, passing him his phone. You, better than anyone else, know Oliver's complicated romantic past, womanising behaviour and hookup culture fuelled coping tendencies while the two of you pined for each other from the sidelines for years, hoping to erase thoughts of the other by pursuing half-assed relationships.

Not that it worked particularly well, considering you're spending summer break in his apartment in Stockholm simulating level of domesticity you'd taken to a little scarily fast.

Reading out some of the downright malicious things his exes have said ("Really? You'd place sports bets based on their recommendations? No wonder you lost so much cash."), he hears the tinkle of your laughter through his sun-dappled room at some of these quotes, happy at how you were secure enough with him to dismiss these silly one liners as figments of his unscrupulous past.

The truth is that he's really been trying. You've always been too important to him to fuck things up with — the source of his exes' despair of always being "obsessed with texting someone else at late hours of the night", courtesy of different timezones, or being the only person he'd pick up drunk when you'd be in Tokyo. For once, he was nervous about a relationship, treating you with unexpected gentleness.

You've taken many of his firsts, he realises: first proper date he actually planned out, first time sending flowers at two and three month anniversaries, all that corny stuff he never saw himself doing.

He only supposes you take this first and last from him, too.

Swiping off Twitter, Oliver begins poring through your Photos to find a suitable snap from last night when you'd met his friends at the club. Settling on one where he's wearing cufflinks with the initials of your name, he accesses his Instagram from your phone (a safety measure), calmly adding one more post to his limited feed.

Rin Itoshi, who's honestly been itching to do this for a while now

"For fuck's sake," Rin grouses, sipping the water you just handed him. Drenched in sweat, jersey sticking to his back, he'd been grateful when you showed up to give him company as he trained, saying something about "studying anatomy" while pencilling in your sketchbook as he took shot after shot.

Instead, he's subjected to you quizzically raising an eyebrow in the direction of his over-enthusiastic physiotherapist who had a thing for announcing to the public whenever her and Rin were together.

Peeved at the sheer idiocy of the rumour, and irritated at her complete disrespect for Rin's boundaries, with his dislike of publicity well-documented, you were rightfully going to march over and give her a piece of your mind. It wasn't like you'd spend your afternoons in the bleachers of the Parc Des Princes to soak in the sweat, or that Rin would saunter over to you in every free minute to critique your latest doodle — since the day you'd preached at him in the Louvre, everyone from the coaching analysts to substitutes on PXG knew you were a couple.

Rin can practically feel the annoyance radiating off you in an aura unlike the ones that possessed footballers during heated matches. A little pleased with the jealousy something as petty as a gossip column elicited from you, he appreciatively hands you the bottle back and gives your hand a squeeze.

"I've got this."

Though he has to wrangle out the passwords for his social media accounts from his management since he rarely uses them, Rin makes it a point to carefully vet and select photos of you and him during his break. Though he looks comical in some, and downright unflattering in others, he couldn't give a damn less seeing the excitement in your eyes as you lean over the barrier, Airdropping photos to him.

After curating the perfect post, Rin calls for his physio, who practically skips along the grass to the bleachers, but blanches when she sees your unimpressed expression.

"Take a picture of us," he brusquely asks, shoving his phone into her hands, downturned in a sneer. Before she can react, he catches you completely off guard, crashing his lips against yours. Your eyes are shut, but you know him well enough to sense that he's smirking right now. He kisses you a lot longer than necessary for one shot, snaking his hand along your waist for good measure, practically pulling you over the blue barriers on your tiptoes.

You squeak when he lets go, licking his lips ever so slightly as the mortified PT squirms while handing him his phone. "Huh. So you are half-competent at something after all."

Tabito Karasu, who's three months in and knows you're the one

Karasu's a perfect gentleman. Even before you started dating, back in highschool, he'd be one of those quietly chivalric guys who'd hold doors open or jackets above your head if it rained. The kind of guy who'd snatch grocery bags out of your hand despite making a quip about "weak arms." Now, you think that he's a little too perfect.

Things that would be a dealbreaker in other relationships, such as both of your packed schedules, the invasiveness of the internet and the fact that time was not on your side most of the time almost spurred Karasu on to make an extra effort. Your research is going late into the night? He's there to pick you up. You're craving takeout after being absolutely decimated by a physics seminar? He's already wearing his baseball cap and sunglasses, one foot out of the door.

Truth be told, Karasu's a little over-awed by you and your brain He thinks he could spent hours immersed in your world as you ramble on about the paradoxes and theories you're learning, or the cutting-edge research you're contributing to. Though it makes him acutely aware that he has much to learn outside of football, you satiate his curiosity in ways that make him feel that he's the only person you've deigned worth talking to.

Otoya makes fun of him for how whipped he is, and though he hasn't had much experience prior to you other than people just throwing themselves at him, he knows this is more than a fleeting crush. So he goes the extra mile in every little thing, sparing no expense.

The day your finals were over he ringed in the celebrations with you in your dorm, blasting songs he was surprised you even knew the lyrics to. Scaring him with your ability to recite Future bar for bar with him on "Low Life", Karasu feels overcome with an urge hold onto you for dear life. The need to make it exclusively clear to everyone around him that you're the one for him becomes much clearer when a shopping trip turns to an absurd coincidence in the rumour mill, one that's got you all nervous in front of him.

He can't help but feel the dull stab of anger as you, clearly overwhelmed by the opinion of the Internet, spend the day upset. If it's one thing he dislikes, it's when things don't go his way. Instead of complaining about it, though, the words leave his mouth before he can even process what they mean, a rarity for someone like him.

"Come with me to the JFA dinner this weekend."

BONUS: Shidou Ryusei, who never even thought it was a secret

a/n yall im not freaky enough yet to write for shidou but i think the scenario is a really funny one in my head i had sm fun doing this though we got barou n isagi down for pt 2 who else?

[kirbmey]

　 ྀི︶˚̣̣̣⠀⠀⠀vacations w bigbrother!caleb⠀⠀⠀˚̣̣̣︶ ྀི

synopsis: you’re having a summer dinner with your family and friends, but caleb gets angry at an old gossipy lady ( ｡ •` ⤙´• ｡)

tw: reader is implied to be smaller than caleb, reader is very feminine, dumbification, slurs like ‘whore’, possessive!caleb, stepcest, manipulation, dark romance, usage of ‘gege’ and ‘big brother’, slightly inspired by the movie ‘call me by your name’, caleb is kinda aggressive not towards reader tho, etc.

there was this tradition running in your family where you would move to your summer villa for the whole summer season, inviting some of your parents' friends over as well; needless to say, your step brother was also included in the plan.

you were always excited about these, being able to wear your a little too short summer dresses in front of your big brother without question to every dinner, adoring giving yourself a cute look for caleb to see, only wanting to be pretty for your big brother ૮ ˶ᵔ ᵕ ᵔ˶ ა

this night was nothing different, you wore this pale pink sundress that left little to the imagination along with some other pink accessories, wearing the necklace he gifted you; you never took it off.

every night your housemaid would set up the long and old wooden table in the patio with refreshing food, all the people in the villa gathering to spend time together after their tiring activities in the beach. you sat in front of caleb as usual, feeling his warm palm rest in the fat of your thigh and caressing it with his thumb in circular motions.

he loved to stare at your angelic-like features while talking about whatever thing you were talking about with your aunt, sometimes forgetting that the rest of your family was there and that he had to keep appearances to any curious eyes.

⠀⠀　　“so, caleb?” he turns his head way too fast at his name being called, getting out of the trance he got caught on by staring at your red plump lips. “how are you doing with your studies?” a friend from your parents asks, he didn’t even know her name.

⠀⠀　　“mmh, well, all good. gotta study more than expected but she helps me with that, I have a hard time focusing, you know…” he answers with a boyish smile and tender voice, pinching your skin when pronouncing your name.

⠀⠀　　“yeah! gege is working really hard for this career, and i try to help him as much as i can” you voice an answer in a sweet tone, him knowing the reality of this said help.

⠀⠀　　“i see, you two seem really close, if i didn’t know you i’d think you ar—”, “well, that cuts it for tonight i’m afraid” your mother intervenes, knowing how annoying her friend gets regarding this topic. they even argued several times about how your relationship should be checked on since it looked very inappropriate from the outside, but she refused to listen, being a blind believer on your innocent sister-brother interactions, thinking caleb it’s just very clingy and protective about you.

a fierce blush creeps onto your cherub cheeks, feeling embarrassed at anyone questioning your relationship with your gege.

wasn’t it normal, having your big brother hold you for way too long, getting kissed on the lips before going to sleep or even helping you with the strange ache between your thighs when he rubbed himself against you to keep you warm at night?

he made sure to keep you away from anything or anyone vulgar, wanting to cherish your pure mind and thoughts for himself to slowly corrupt, carefully making you believe that good girls don’t go out with boys, don’t kiss anyone but their big brothers and reaching him to ask for help regarding any small issue a normal person could take care of themselves, but not you. you were too stupid ૮꒰◞ ˕ ◟ ྀི꒱ა

and just like that, he made you his little doll for him and him alone, emptying your silly head from anyone but him. you depended on him for anything.

your nipples got hard in the winter? don’t worry, he will slowly rub them while you sat on his lap with his cock buried deep inside you, just to keep you warm. whispering sweet nothings to you while leaving wet kisses along your neck, smiling to himself when listening to your adorable whimpers. he had to use every single trace of self control to not break your puffy pussy in two right there.

he actually never properly fucked you, just played with you like adults do (..◜ᴗ◝..) nothing wrong with that, right?

you wanted to help him focus on his homework? you knew how easily distracted your gege could get and you just wanted to help! (•ᴖ•｡) so he told you to get on your knees, making sure it was on top of some soft cushion, and commanded you to start pampering small kisses on his bulge. just like the ones you gave him all over the face when you were happy to see him ⸜(｡˃ ᵕ ˂ )⸝♡

so you kept your hands on your lap like the good girl you were to approach his big bulge hiding under his grey sweatpants, leaving sweet little smoochies all over his prince's parts (as he called yours your princess’s parts), and leaving light traces of saliva on the way.

just a few minutes like that, completely focused on the task your gege gave you to please him as you always wanted, and he came undone fully clothed. you looked up at him trough your long lashes, surprised to see that creamy liquid stain his pants, the same one he made you lick from his fingers sometimes before (⁠ᗒ⩊ᗕ ྀི)

he can’t help but laugh fondly at your expression, caressing your cheek before slipping his thumb into your mouth, feeling how you wrapped your warm tongue against the pad of his finger.

now you were both heading to your shared bedroom, the inside of the villa specially silent since everybody else stayed outside, smoking and updating on the latest gossips while drinking the leftover wine.

caleb was mad, how dare that bitch even think about questioning you two? he knew what was best for you, he was your shiny armor knight, your big brother who would always protect you. what was wrong with that?

your tiny heels clicked trough the long and empty halls, chasing after caleb as your short legs could; he was stomping, and he was truly angry.

you never saw him so mad ever since he caught you watching some filthy porn a friend of yours sent you when you told her that you didn’t do that kind of thing since your brother told you to not to. needless to say, he made sure to beat her up real good so she wouldn’t get any close to you, ever. but you didn’t need to know what he did, he’s just protecting you! (づ_ど)

once you catch up with him inside the said bedroom you pout, playing with the lacy hem of your dress as you close the door behind you. he’s sits down on the edge of the bed, holding his head between his hands as he takes deep breaths. he had to take care of that whore later, noted.

⠀⠀　　“gege? what’s wrong? did i do something bad?” you inquisitively ask, taking careful steps to stand before him, still playing around with your clothes in a nervous manner.

no answer from him, just a deep breath and a big pair of hands holding the back of your thighs to bring you closer, burying his face in the plush of your belly while featherly kissing it.

⠀⠀　　“no, doll, you did nothing wrong.” he blurs out against the soft fabric of your dress. “it’s just mom’s friend, she made me angry.” you feel his hands creep closer to your ass, holding yourself onto his broad shoulders.

you knew caleb didn’t like the questioning of your relationship, he liked to keep things private, a secret only for you two. your silly head couldn’t find an answer, what were you supposed to say when his skilled fingers removed your cottony panties down and he kept his pinkish gaze on you like that?

⠀⠀　　“you’re mine, pips, you know everything i do is for your own good.” you knew it, that old lady’s words meant nothing to you. “what would you do without me, hmm?”

you heard the side zipper of the dress and before you know it, you’re fully naked in front of him. it’s not the first time, but you can’t help feeling a little ashamed. he’s so perfect, tall and fit, and you don’t match his toned body.

you cross your arms in front of your breasts, hiding your blushing face underneath your hair, feeling his hand once again come up to your chin to lift it up while the other one holds your wrists a little bit too hard.

⠀⠀　　“don’t dare hiding from me, princess, you know I love the sight.” he confesses in a breath, restarting the trail of kisses from your soft belly down to your pubes, rubbing the tip of his nose against the little hairs.

you can’t help but whine, readjusting your hands on top of his head, caressing his soft dark locks trough your slim fingers. “gege, don’t do that, you know it feels achy.” you complain in a peachy voice.

he falls on blind ears, paying all of his attention to your princess’s parts, making you separate your legs by holding your inner thighs before lowering his head to clit level, smothering the growing bud with open-mouthed kisses.

he slowly toyed with your dripping entrance, circling the ring muscle with his index finger while paying attention to your pearl, lost in the sweet and sour flavor of yours. “fuck, doll, what do I have to do to make everyone understand that you’re my good girl, hmm?”

you don’t even listen to him, too caught up in the sensation of said finger caressing your velvety walls, throwing your head back while you pushed your hips closer to his face, letting out an adorable moan when feeling a second one peeking in.

⠀⠀　　“i see, you’re too stupid to answer that.” he said in a condescending way, fucking you with his long fingers slow but deep, even biting your clit at times. “don’t you see you need me to do everything for you?” one harsh thrust, reaching that gummy spot. “to tie your shoes, to wash your hair, even to dress you up in the morning?”

you were a moaning mess, your hair falling like a cascade at your back and sticking to your sweaty forehead, your toes curling at the way his skilled fingers toyed with your weak spot, feeling how he curved them inside you, that strange sensation knotting in your belly. “gege, i feel weird again, stop, stop” the tears in the corner of your eyes fall away to your neck.

⠀⠀　　“let go f’me, angel, you know your big brother likes it.” and he loved it, the taste of your juices, sweet enough to be addictive. before you realize you were creaming his fingers, feeling a strong arm wrap around your waist to keep you from falling. “good girl, you did so good for me”.

his murmurs fall quiet when he laps at your pussy to take every single drop of you in his mouth, moaning at the taste. your head falls on top of his, trying to catch your breath while he wraps you with both arms and lifts you up, heading to the bathroom to clean you up.

he first washed your sweaty body and clothed you with one of his huge t shirts, you falling asleep mid-bath and him taking you to bed carefully, making sure you were comfortable before taking care of his hard dick and rubbing himself against your discarded panties, staining them with cum not many minutes later (˶˃ ᵕ ˂˶)

he threw them inside one of his designated drawers and hugged your smaller frame into his naked chest, drifting to sleep.

your big brother loved you so so much!

a/n: let me know if you liked it, i want feedback! also, idk if this was too long, i got carried away hehe (˶ᵔ ᵕ ᵔ˶)

[stylesispunk]

"The soldier in the armour" | part iii

marcus acacius x f!reader

masterlist | previous chapter | next chapter

Summary: The aftermath of Geta's action took a tool on you and Acacius. Some decisions are made and you are willing to end caracalla's and Geta reign.

w.c: 9k

warnings: angst, mentions of blood, miscarriage, mentions of poisoning, age gap, power imbalance.

a/n: hello, thank you so much for your patience and your feedback on this one. Firstly if you feel this one is rushed is because I lost half of the chapter the other day and I rewrote it. Secondly, this chapter is more acacius x reader centered and PLEASE pay attention to some signals I left for the future chapters since I already planned out the ending 👀 reblogs and comments are always appreciated 💌

dividers by @/saradika-graphics

The faint light of dawn filtered into the room as your senses returned back to your now, foggy mind. You blinked, disoriented by the unfamiliar weight on your limbs. The healer was seated at the edge of the bed, with her hands massaging your legs, her touch gentle as always. You shifted slightly, your head pounding, and tried to piece together what had happened. 

"Acacius..." you murmured, your voice hoarse as if speaking hurt.

The healer glanced up at you, she smiled at you with pity dressed as sympathy. "He's been watching over you all these hours, my lady," she said softly. "But he stepped out for a moment to meet someone."

You furrowed your brow, trying to sit up, but the effort was too much. That’s when you noticed the fresh gown you were wearing, the faint scent of lavender and herbs clinging to you. Your mind raced as you realized you’d been cleaned and changed while unconscious.

"What happened to me?" you asked, your voice barely above a whisper.

The healer hesitated, her hands stilling for a moment before she resumed her work. "My lady...you started bleeding heavily in the night. It was..." She trailed off, clearly struggling with the words.

Before you could press further, the door creaked open, and Acacius entered. His face was pale, his eyes shadowed with exhaustion as if hadn't been able to sleep in days. At the sight of you awake, made his eyes shone for a flicker second. Relief crossed his features, but it was short-lived, the sadness shadowed his glance.

"Acacius..." you called weakly.

He walked to your side, sinking to one knee. His hands enveloped yours, warm and firm, protecting you as always, but this time there was a heaviness in his gaze that unsettled you whole.

"You’re awake. " He said softly, his voice rough with fatigue.

"What happened?" you pressed, searching his face for an answer.

"You should rest more," he said eventually, his tone low.

“What happened?” you repeated, your tone sent shiver down Acacius’ spine.

His jaw tightened, and he looked away briefly, as if bracing himself, as if looking for a proper word to speak the truth. "You...lost a child," he said finally, his words cutting you half, "Our child."

The world tilted for a moment, the weight of his words crashing into you. A child? Yours? You hadn’t even known.

"I..” you chuckled, nervously, “I…I don’t understand," you stammered, tears welling in your eyes.

"You didn’t know," he said gently, his thumb brushing over your knuckles. "Neither did I. But the the healers confirmed it. Whatever Geta gave you..." His voice broke, and he swallowed hard. "It caused this.”

Your breath hitched, and your free hand instinctively moved to your abdomen, grief and confusion swirling within you.

Acacius leaned closer, his forehead pressing against your hand. "I’m sorry," he whispered, his voice raw. "I should have protected you. I should have known-"

"Stop," you interrupted, your own tears falling freely now. "This isn’t your fault, Acacius."

He shook his head, his grip on your hand tightening. "I failed you," he insisted, his guilt palpable.

You reached out, your fingers brushing his cheek. "You didn’t fail me.” You didn’t know how to assure him of it. You didn’t know how to feel, grief for the child you had never known, anger at Emperor Geta or a hollow emptiness creeping it, and threatening to consume you. Your hand rested on your abdomen, an ache settling deep within your chest as you thought about what could have been.

Acacius lifted his head, his expression hardening "I’ll make sure he never touches you again," he vowed, his tone resolute. “This crossed a line with no return.”

You could only nod, unable to find the words to express the storm of emotions crashing down on you.

He gently cupped your face, his eyes locking onto yours. "You’ll get through this," he promised, his voice softer now. "You’re not alone in this, and I’ll stand by you, no matter what."

The tears continued to fall, but you leaned into his touch, drawing strength from his words. For a moment, the world outside the room faded away, leaving only the two of you, bound together by love and shared pain he would carry too.

"I’m here," Acacius murmured, pressing a tender kiss to your forehead. "And I won’t let anything happen to you again."

As the night wore on, Acacius had stayed beside you, his presence brought calm you didn’t know it if was going to able to exist anymore. Eventually, he stood and walked to the small table in the corner of the room, where a tray of herbs and remedies had been left by the healer earlier. He carefully mixed something into a bowl of warm broth.

Returning to you, he knelt down, his expression soft yet firm as he held the bowl out. "You need to eat," he said gently. "This will help with the symptoms. The doctor suggested it would ease the lingering effects of...whatever Geta gave you."

You hesitated, your stomach twisting at the thought of food. "I don’t want to," you murmured, your voice faint.

"Please," he insisted, his hand brushing lightly against yours. "Just a little. For me."

The quiet plea in his voice softened your resistance. Slowly, you nodded, allowing him to scoop a spoonful of the broth and bring it to your lips. The warmth of it was soothing, and though your body resisted at first, you managed to swallow.

"Good," he murmured, his tone encouraging as he prepared another spoonful.

He fed you slowly, his patience unwavering. With each sip, the nausea that had been gnawing at you began to ease, the pounding in your head lessening slightly. Acacius didn’t rush you, his eyes never leaving yours as he made sure you took in enough to strengthen you.

"Better?" he asked softly, setting the bowl aside once you had eaten enough.

You nodded, though your body still felt weak. "A little," you admitted.

His hand brushed against your cheek, his touch tender. "You’ll feel stronger soon," he promised.

"I'll let you rest," Acacius said softly, his thumb gently tracing your cheek one last time.

A pang of loneliness surged within you, and before you could stop yourself, you asked, "Aren't you staying with me?"

His eyes softened, a hint of regret flickering across his face. "I just have to arrange some things," he explained, his voice calm but firm. "But I promise, I’ll come back as soon as I’m ready."

You searched his gaze, finding sincerity there. Though the thought of him leaving, even for a short time, made your heart ache, you knew he wouldn’t go far.

"Promise me," you whispered, your voice trembling.

He leaned in, pressing a gentle kiss to your forehead. "I promise," he assured you. "I’ll be back before you know it."

With that, he stood, giving your hand a reassuring squeeze before turning to leave. As the door closed behind him, the room felt quieter leaving you alone with the grief of a loss you didn’t know how to navigate.

As soon as Acacius stepped out of your quarter, he faced Lucilla who was there waiting to see you. You could see the worry for you written all over her face, but she wasn’t strong enough to see you broken again. She felt her heart shattered for you, her precious daughter.

She looked up at Acacius, surprised by his sudden appearance outside the room.

"Did you know?" he demanded, his voice sharp and cutting. "About her carrying a child?"

Lucilla blinked, a slight frown creasing her forehead. "No," she replied steadily. "But I had my suspicions."

Acacius’s jaw tightened, his fists clenching at his sides. "And you didn’t think to tell me? To warn me?"

"I wasn’t sure," she said defensively. "And what would I have said, Acacius? I didn’t have any proof."

His frustration boiled over. "You should have told me!" he shouted but slow enough to prevent you from hearing from inside the room. "Ever since she and I got married, Geta’s obsession with her has only grown worse. Every decision I’ve made, every step I’ve taken, has led to nothing but her tears."

Lucilla’s expression hardened. "Don’t you dare put this all on me," she snapped. "I’ve tried to protect her in the only ways I knew how."

Acacius shook his head, his eyes filled with anguish. "I feel like marrying her was a mistake," he said, the words spilling out before he could stop them. "Not because I don’t love her, but because all its brought her is pain."

Lucilla's eyes narrowed; her voice sharp with reproach. "Do you think she would be better without you? Do you truly believe that?"

Acacius's shoulders sagged, the heavy words pressing down on him. "I don’t know," he admitted, his voice breaking. "All I know is that since we’ve been together, she’s suffered more than she ever should have. And I can’t stand it. I can’t stand being the cause of her pain."

Lucilla stepped closer, her gaze softening slightly. "She loves you, Acacius. Can’t you see that? Despite everything, she chose you. She fights for you, just as you fight for her."

He looked away, guilt and self-doubt etched into his features. "I don’t know if I’m strong enough to protect her from all this," he whispered.

"Then you need to be," Lucilla replied firmly. "Because she needs you now more than ever. And walking away would only break her further."

Acacius's jaw clenched; the internal battle evident in his expression. He took a deep breath, forcing himself to steady. “I could send her away-“

“No!” Lucilla immediately refused to whatever his plan was. “I won’t allow you to take my daughter away from me.” She spoke, knowing too well, “You wouldn’t forgive yourself for that. The pain of not knowing where she would be will kill you.”

Acacius stared at Lucilla, her words cutting through his thoughts like a blade. He knew she was right. The idea of sending you away, of putting distance between you to keep you safe, felt like the only solution. Yet, the thought of losing you, even for your protection, was unbearable.

"I just want her to be safe," he murmured, his voice barely audible. "I don’t know how else to ensure that."

Lucilla's gaze softened, and she stepped closer, placing a hand on his shoulder. "We’ll find another way," she assured him. "Together, we can protect her. But she needs you here, by her side, not miles away, torn apart by fear and regret."

Acacius nodded slowly, the weight of his decision settling in. "You’re right," he admitted, his voice steadier now. "I can’t lose her. Not like this."

Lucilla gave a small, encouraging smile. "Then fight for her, Acacius. Stand by her."

With a final glance at Lucilla, Acacius turned back toward the room where you lay, his resolve hardening. He knew the path ahead would be fraught with challenges, but for you he would fight a thousand of battles.

Acacius paused in the doorway, his heart aching at the sight of you standing weakly by the window, silhouetted against the faint light of the stars. Your fragile form looked even more delicate, and he could see the weight of grief and exhaustion pulling you down. His instinct was to urge you back to bed, to ensure you rested, but your voice broke the silence before he could speak.

"Do you think souls know you loved them," you asked softly, your gaze still fixed on the night sky, "even if you didn’t meet them?"

The question hung in the air, fragile and filled with sorrow. Acacius approached you slowly, his footsteps quiet on the floor. He stood beside you, his presence sent warm to the coldness you felt inside you.

"I believe they do," he said gently, his voice filled with conviction. "Love transcends the physical, the seen. It’s a bond that doesn’t need time or proximity to exist.”

Your lips trembled, and you looked down, tears streaming silently down your cheeks. "I didn’t even know..." you whispered, feeling the grief breaking your soul.

Acacius reached out, his fingers brushing against your arm before wrapping around you, pulling you into his embrace. "Your love is real, and it’s known," he whispered, his voice filled with tenderness. "Our child felt it, and they’ll always carry that love with them."

As he held you close, his eyes drifted to your shoulder, where the faint imprint of a bite mark clung to your skin as cruel reminder of Geta’s actions. The wound stirred a deep, simmering anger within him, a fury that had been building with every injustice you had endured. His grip on you tightened slightly, protective, as the hatred he felt for the emperor grew more potent than never.

His patience with Geta and Caracalla had reached his limit, but it was the first of them his main target.

His jaw clenched, and his breathing deepened, struggling to keep his emotions inside. The thought of Geta’s audacity, his relentless obsession and the harm he had caused, ignited a burning need for retribution. Acacius pressed a tender kiss to your temple, a silent vow forming in his mind.

You felt the tension in his embrace, the barely contained rage that coursed through him. Looking up, you saw the storm in his eyes. You lifted yourself just a bit to reached his lips, but he knew what you were doing.  The sadness had clouded your mind completely, and you thought that after losing a child you could have another right away, to feel the hope again.

As your lips moved in syn together with fervor. He allowed himself to be led by you towards the bed, you were on charge but as soon as you sat on his lap, he pulled away from you, placing his hands on your shoulders and all he saw was two crystal eyes shining like the moon, watering.

“No," he whispered, his voice soft but determined by the consciousness of his actions. His gaze held yours, filled with love. "This isn’t what you need right now."

Tears welled in your eyes once more, spilling over as the weight of your grief pressed down on you. "I just... I need to feel something else." you choked out, your voice trembling.

He cupped your face, his thumbs brushing away the tears that streaked your cheeks. "I know," he murmured, his own eyes glistening with unshed tears.

“I was going to be a mother…” your sob wracked through you.

Acacius arms wrapped around you firmly, yet tenderly, holding you as if you might break. His steady heartbeat beneath you was a grounding presence, a reminder that you were not alone in this overwhelming grief.

He held you close, his chin resting atop your head as his arms enveloped you in a cocoon of warmth and safety. "You will be," he whispered softly, his voice trembling with emotion. "Someday, you will be. And I’ll be right here with you, every step of the way."

Your sobs shook your body as the reality of your loss washed over you. "I didn’t even know," you cried, clutching onto him as if letting go would mean losing yourself entirely. Tears spilled down your cheeks, and you couldn’t stop them. "How could I not have known?" you cried, the anguish in your voice cutting through the eerie quiet night. "I lost a child, Acacius... our child. And I didn’t even get the chance to-“

His fingertips stroked your back, his hands traced soothing patterns all along, up and down. "Let it out," he whispered, his voice soft and steady. "You don’t have to hold it all in."

You clung to him, the weight of all your emotions pouring out in waves soaking his tunic.  The loss and the fear met and you were terrified of losing even losing him “Everything feels so broken." You murmured.

He tightened his embrace, his lips pressing gently against your temple. "I’ll piece every single piece of you.”

You took a shuddering breath; the warmth of his words enveloped you. "I don’t know if I’m enough," you admitted, your voice barely above a whisper.

"You are. " He said, pulling back just enough to meet your gaze. His eyes were filled with love.

He tilted your chin up slightly, his eyes searching yours with a tenderness that made your heart burst. "I see the light in you, even when you can’t see it yourself," he said softly. "And I’ll be here, always, to remind you of that light."

Tears continued to spill down your cheeks, but your heart felt a little bit lighter. His thumb gently wiped away a tear, his touch tender and full of love.

"You don’t have to carry this alone," he continued, his voice reassuring. "Lean on me, let me be your strength when you need it.”

His forehead rested against yours, the closeness hurt you. "You are everything to me," he whispered, his breath warm against your skin. "And I’ll do whatever it takes to bring you peace."

Acacius’s eyes softened, and a faint smile played on his lips as he cupped your face gently. "You were made for me," he whispered, his voice filled with reverence and love. "In every lifetime, in every universe, I would find you. You are my destiny."

The sincerity in his words sent a warmth through you, easing the ache in your heart. He brushed his thumb along your cheek, his touch light as a petal, as if afraid you might disappear in a second. "No matter what happens, you are my everything."

He leaned in, pressing a tender kiss to both of your wet cheeks. "We were meant to find each other," he continued, his voice a soothing balm. "And nothing, not even the gods themselves, can take that away from us."

His arms wrapped around you tighter, pulling you closer as if to shield you from the world. "I Will love you forever.”

The next day, Acacius stood by your side at the edge of the bed, his gaze softened as he watched you resting. The morning light filtered gently through the window, casting a warm glow over your face.

He had trusted your closest healer to stay and watch you over while he wasn’t here. She gave him a reassuring nod.

“She’s in good hands,” the healer said softly. “I’ll stay with her and ensure she has everything she needs, general.”

Acacius nodded, grateful for her words. Leaning down, he pressed a tender kiss to your forehead. “Rest well, my love. I’ll be back soon.”

With a final glance, he turned and left, joining Lucilla outside who was waiting for him after having checking on you. Together, they made their way to the grand Colosseum, while the distant roar of the crowd growing louder as they arrived. The games brough chaos, the spectacle of gladiators battling for glory captivating the masses as they saw how people fought for their lives.

As they entered the imperial box, both greeted the emperors.

“General Acacius, Lucilla” Caracalla said, followed with a curt nod, his eyes sharp and assessing.

Emperor Geta, however, was quick to notice your absence besides your husband and your mother. His gaze narrowed, a flicker of suspicion crossing his features.

“General Acacius,” Geta called out, his voice carrying over the sound of the crowd. “Where is that beautiful wife of yours?”

Acacius met Geta’s gaze steadily, his expression unreadable trying it hard not to show how much he loathed him. “She’s unwell, Emperor,” he replied evenly. “The healer advised her to rest.”

Geta’s eyes darkened, his lips pressing into a thin line. “Unwell?” he echoed, skepticism lacing his tone. “I hope it’s nothing serious. She should not miss such a spectacle. Not when she knows the privileges she is granted.”

Lucilla interjected smoothly; her tone polite yet firm. “Her health is of major importance. She needs rest to recover.”

Geta’s gaze lingered on Lucilla, then with a sinister edge creeping into his smile he looked at Acacius. “I see. Still, it’s a pity she isn’t here. Perhaps her healing the wounds of that gladiator the other day…” he paused, looking how the general’s eyes widened at the information, “Oh you didn’t know.” He chuckled, “Your wife sneaked away the other day, healing the wounds of that new gladiator, you’ll see him again now.”

Acacius’s jaw tightened, his fists clenching at his sides as he fought to maintain his composure. The revelation hit him like a blow, his mind racing with questions and fury. His eyes flickered briefly toward Lucilla, who maintained her calm demeanor, though he could sense her own tension beneath the surface.

Geta’s smirk widened, reveling in the unease he had stirred. “Ah, here he comes now,” he said, gesturing toward the arena as Hanno, well Lucius stepped into the ring. “Quite the fighter, isn’t he? Your wife seemed particularly taken by him.”

Acacius’s gaze snapped to the arena, his heart pounding as he watched the gladiator enter. His mind swirled with conflicting emotions. The was anger, confusion, and a protective instinct that burned brighter than ever.

Lucilla placed a gentle hand on Acacius’s arm, her grip firm yet reassuring. “Remember where we are,” she murmured softly, her eyes meeting his with a silent warning. “We’ll deal with this later.”

Acacius swallowed hard, forcing himself to take a steadying breath. He nodded slightly, acknowledging her words, though his fury simmered just beneath the surface. His focus returned to Geta, who was still watching him with a smug expression.

“I trust my wife’s intentions were noble,” Acacius said evenly, his voice betraying none of the storm raging within him. “She has a compassionate heart.”

Geta chuckled darkly. “Indeed, a heart too soft for a soldier’s wife, perhaps. But no matter. Let us enjoy the games. After all, they are in your honor.”

Acacius said nothing, his eyes narrowing as he returned his gaze to the arena. The gladiator’s movements remined him of Maximus and those brought taunted memories and traits that only added fuel to the fire of Acacius’s anger. As the crowd roared, Acacius’s thoughts remained fixed on one thing: you and the truth behind Geta’s words.

By the time Acacius and Lucilla arrived back at the village, a storm was raging inside Acacius. Geta’s words had found a way to go inside his head, taking root, growing into something that gnawed at him. He couldn’t shake the image of you, his wife, tending to that gladiator and the thought of your actions, no matter how noble, twisted his heart. The confusion and pain felt unbearable. He tried to suppress it, but anger surged through him.

When they finally reached your quarters, Lucilla moved swiftly, almost running to check on you. She could feel the weight of her concern lifting when she saw you sitting in your bed, smiling and laughing at something the healer had just told you. For a moment, she stood at the door, watching you with quiet relief, grateful to see you looking so much better than the last time she had seen you.

But Acacius couldn’t escape the thoughts that plagued him. He had to know. He needed answers, and he needed them now. The guilt over his emotions and the anger toward Geta swirled together, making him question everything about you and his relationship with you.

Lucilla noticed the change in Acacius immediately. Though he had managed to hold his composure earlier, now his expression darkened, the storm inside him clearly visible. She had seen him angry before, but this felt different fueled by personal matters. She approached you cautiously, giving Acacius a moment to process what he was feeling.

You looked up, noticing at your mother’s concerned expression. "What happened?" you asked, sensing the shift in the air. "Is everything alright?"

“Nothing to worry about, my darling” she made her best effort to smile sincerely at you, “How are you feeling?” she asked as he comb your hair just in the same way she did as when you were a child.

“A bit better, mother” you replied smiling at her. You lifted your eyes, looking briefly at her, then moving you glance to Acacius.  “Acacius,” you called softly, but his attention was fixed elsewhere.

Lucilla glanced at you and then at him, her gaze sharp with understanding. “Perhaps, my dear, it would be better if you let him have some time to himself.”

“No,” you replied firmly, your voice stronger than you felt. "I know something happened."

“Emperor Geta spoke to me,” he began, “He told me about the gladiator. The one you were seen tending to.”

Your heart sank, and you struggled to find your voice. “Acacius, I—”

He cut you off, his jaw tightening. “Did you think I wouldn’t find out?” Acacius turned toward you, his expression unreadable, but his eyes held a storm of conflicting emotions. "You were healing him," he said, his voice quiet but laden with the weight of unspoken accusations. "Why?”

“It wasn’t like that,” you pleaded, sitting up. “I had to help him.”

“Why?” Acacius demanded, stepping closer. “Why risk everything for a gladiator?”

You opened your mouth to explain, but the words caught in your throat. How could you tell him the truth without revealing everything? The weight of your secret threatened to crush you. Your bother’s life was on edge.

“Answer me!” His voice rose, his frustration boiling over. “Why would you do something so reckless?”

“He was in pain. I couldn’t let him suffer,” you whispered, tears welling in your eyes.

Acacius’s eyes narrowed, his anger giving way to a deeper hurt. “You trust him more than me? You trust a stranger over your own husband?”

“It’s not about that.” you said desperately.

Acacius’s fists clenched at his sides; his knuckles white. “You’ve been hiding things from me, lying to me. How can I protect you when you won’t even be honest with me?”

“That’s enough,” Lucilla stood out firmly, placing herself between the two of you. “This isn’t helping anyone.”

“Stay out of this, Lucilla,” Acacius snapped, but she didn’t back down.

“No, I won’t,” she said, her voice unwavering. Lucilla placed a gentle hand on your shoulder, her voice firm yet comforting. "My daughter needs rest, Acacius. This isn't the time for this."

Acacius stood at the foot of the bed, his eyes still burning with anger. He hesitated, his jaw clenching as he seemed to wrestle with his emotions. Then, he spoke, his voice cold and cutting.

"Rest?" he said, his gaze locking onto yours. "How can she rest when she seems to have enough energy to heal every stray gladiator in Rome?"

The words hit you like a slap; it seems like there was cruelty in his tone slicing through you. You flinched, the sting of his accusation sharper than any physical pain you were inflicting. Your eyes filled with tears, but you refused to let them fall.

Lucilla's eyes flashed with anger. "Acacius, that's enough," she said sharply, standing to face him. “Leave.”

Acacius held her gaze for a moment, then exhaled sharply, turning away. "Fine. Your problem is that you're too naive". he muttered, his voice softer but no less bitter and with that, he strode out of the room, leaving a heavy silence in his wake. Lucilla turned back to you, her expression softening as she took your hand in hers.

"I'm so sorry," she whispered, her eyes full of sympathy. "He didn't mean it. He's just hurt and confused."

You nodded faintly, the weight of his words pressing down on you. "I know," you whispered back, though the pain in your chest didn’t lessen.

"Mother I swear is not what it seems like." you cried out as she held your hands trying to ground you.

She knew you were saying the truth, beyond your words; she knew you and she was aware of the pain you had endured during the last few hours. She had carried you inside her womb, she knew better.

"I know…I know,dear...but Acacius allowed those words to his head, he-“

"Didn't you recognize your own son?" You asked, looking directly at her. Those eyes that seemed to hold so much mercy, now seemed hurt and shocked.

"What?" She asked almost fearing the answer.

"Lucius?" You said his name, sounding almost foreign in your lips "I know he reminded you of someone, I knew you tried to piece that together the other day."

"I knew it." She gasped, standing up. She lifted her hand to her face as she paced around the quarters. "He looks exactly like..." but he paused, and you were met with silence.

"Looks like what?" you asked.

"Your father." She replied, without looking at you.

The words hung heavy in the air, like a suffocating weight pressing down on your chest. Your mind whirled, trying to process the shock of what Lucilla had just revealed. "My father?" you repeated, confused.

Lucilla stopped pacing, her back turned to you as she continued to stand with her hand against her forehead, her breath shallow. "Maximus.” She gasped, as she freed her truth, “Maximus was your father.”

The shock of Lucilla’s words crashed over you like a wave, pulling you under with its sheer force. Maximus. Your father. The name that had always been wrapped in mystery, the name that had haunted your thoughts for years, now had a new meaning. The weight of it settled in your chest, leaving you breathless.

"My father?" you repeated, your voice barely a whisper, as if saying the words out loud might shatter the fragile reality you had built for yourself. "Maximus was my father?"

Lucilla turned slowly to face you, her expression torn between regret and sorrow. "Yes," she said softly, her voice thick with emotion. "Maximus was your father.”

You stared at her, struggling to reconcile this new truth with everything you had known. Maximus, the legendary general, the man whose name had been spoken in reverence and fear. The same man who had fallen in the arena, and he had killed your uncle, leaving behind a legacy of honor and bloodshed. The man you had always wondered about, but never truly known. And now, you were learning that he was more than just a figure in your past, he was the father you never had.

"Why didn’t you tell me?" you asked, the question escaping before you could stop it. "Why keep this from me, mother?

Lucilla’s eyes filled with tears; her face contorted with guilt. "I didn’t know how to tell you, “She admitted, her voice breaking. "When Maximus died, so much was left unsaid. So much pain was buried.       You and Lucius...you were the result of a love that had to be hidden, kept in the shadows-Oh my god, my boy is alive” she cried, coming close to you “How-What did you say to him?”

“We spoke, mother I-I’m finding a way to free him” you assure her, “But please don’t say this to Acacius, I will.”

She nodded, not entirely sure but she still did it.

The villa was cloaked in silence as the night deepened, shadows stretching long and dark across the marble floors. You moved carefully, each step deliberate, your breath shallow as you avoided the guards and servants who patrolled the halls.

The words Acacius had told earlier were still ringing in your mind and making a way to shatter the pieces of your already broken heart that you feel the urging need to escape and see Lucius.

 Your heart pounded in your chest; fear creeped upon you. You couldn’t shake the need to see Lucius, to ensure he was safe, to discuss a plan to free him. The loss you had just endured weighed heavily on you, but it also fueled your resolve. You couldn’t bear to lose another person you cared about.

The cool night air greeted you as you slipped out of the villa, the stars above casting a faint light over the path ahead. You pulled your cloak tighter around you, the chill seeping into your bones as you made your way toward the gladiator barracks.

The path seemed familiar now, each twist and turn etched into your memory. You avoided the main roads, sticking to the shadows, your steps quick and silent. The barracks loomed ahead, its structure dark and foreboding under the moonlight.

You found the entrance, a small side door that you had used before. With a deep breath, you slipped inside, the scent of sweat and earth filling your senses. The faint murmur of voices echoed through the halls, but you pressed on, moving toward the cell where you knew Lucius was held.

As you approached, your heart tightened at the sight of him. He sat in the corner of the small cell, his head resting against the wall, eyes closed. His face was drawn, the lines of exhaustion and pain evident even in the dim light.

“Lucius,” you whispered, your voice barely audible.

His eyes snapped open, and for a moment, there was a flicker of surprise before it was replaced by something softer. He rose slowly, moving toward the bars. “What are you doing here?” he asked, his voice low and filled with concern. “You shouldn’t be here.”

“I had to see you,” you said, your fingers gripping the cold metal bars. “I couldn’t stay away. We need to talk.”

He studied you for a moment, his gaze intense. “What’s happened?” he asked, sensing the turmoil within you.

You hesitated, the weight of your recent loss pressing heavily on your chest. “I’ve lost something,” you admitted, your voice trembling. “But I can’t lose you too. We need to find a way to get you out of here.”

Lucius’s expression softened, a flicker of understanding passing through his eyes. “You’ve been through so much,” he said, his voice filled with empathy. “But you can’t put yourself in danger for me.”

“I lost a child” you confessed.

Lucius’s eyes softened, his expression shifting from concern to deep empathy. He stepped closer to the bars, his hand resting over yours, his touch warm and steady.

“I’m so sorry,” he said quietly, his voice laced with sorrow. “I can’t imagine the pain you’re feeling right now.”

Your grip on the cold metal tightened as tears welled in your eyes. “I didn’t even know,” you whispered, the words catching in your throat. “I didn’t have the chance to-” You broke off, unable to finish the thought, the grief too overwhelming.

Lucius squeezed your hand gently, his thumb brushing over your knuckles. “You’ve been carrying so much on your shoulders,” he said softly. “You’re stronger than you realize, but you don’t have to bear this alone.”

A sob escaped your lips, and you leaned against the bars, letting the weight of your emotions flow freely. Lucius stayed silent, his presence a steady anchor in the storm of your grief.

Lucius’s expression softened, a flicker of understanding passing through his eyes. “You’ve been through so much,” he said, his voice filled with empathy. “You can’t put yourself in danger for me anymore.”

“I’m not asking for your permission,” you said firmly, your resolve strengthening. “I’ll find a way, Lucius. I promise. I will free you.”

He reached through the bars, his hand brushing against yours. “You’ve always been stubborn,” he said, a hint of a smile tugging at the corners of his lips.

You nodded, your heart swelling with happiness at the sight of your brother.

The ride back to the villa was met by silence, the weight of your encounter with Lucius heavy in your chest. The night air was cool, but it did little to soothe the turmoil within you. As you entered the villa, the quietness of the halls seemed oppressive, each step echoing in the vast space.

You barely made it to your chambers when the door burst open behind you. Acacius stood there, his expression was a mix of worry and anger.

“Where have you been?” he demanded, his voice sharp, the worry in his eyes betraying his stern tone. “Do you have any idea how worried I’ve been?”

You turned to face him, your own emotions boiling over. “I needed space,” you replied, your voice trembling with restrained anger. “I couldn’t breathe in here.”

“Space? You left in the middle of the night, without a word…” Acacius stepped closer, his jaw tightening. “After everything that’s happened, you just disappeared. In your condition.”

“I’m not a prisoner, Acacius.” you shot back, calm. “I needed to clear my head, to deal with everything. I don’t need you controlling me over.”

His eyes darkened, frustration and hurt flickered across his face. “I’m not trying to control you. I’m trying to protect you. You’ve been through so much, and I can’t stand the thought of something happening to you.”

You took a step back, shaking your head. “I don’t need protection, Acacius. What I need is space to grieve, to process everything. And you-” your voice caught, the words barely above a whisper. “You can’t fix this.”

“I know I can’t fix this,” he said, his voice softening, the anger fading into sorrow. “But I can be here for you. I can protect you and I’m sorry for how I treated you before”

You met his gaze, the weight of his words sinking in. “Stop looking at me with pity”  

Acacius flinched at your words, his shoulders slumping slightly as if your harshness had struck a nerve. For a moment, he stood there, quiet, his expression unreadable, but there was a softness behind his eyes that hadn’t been there before.

“I didn’t mean to pity you,” he said, his voice steady but tinged with regret. “I just… I don’t know how to help you through all of this. I also lost that child and I don’t where to put that pain.”

The words hung in the air between you, thick with the weight of both loss and unspoken tension. You hadn’t expected him to say that, hadn’t expected him to acknowledge the pain of your shared grief. It was a rawness in his voice you hadn’t heard before, a vulnerability that both softened and shattered the walls you had built around yourself.

For a long moment, you stood there, the truth of what he had said settling heavily in your chest. You’d been so focused on your own pain, so wrapped in your sorrow, that you hadn’t stopped to think about how deeply the loss had affected him too. But now, hearing it in his voice, you understood—he wasn’t just someone who had watched you suffer. He had lost something precious, too.

"You…" You swallowed hard, the words threatening to choke you. "You lost him, too.”

Acacius nodded, his expression tightening with the grief he had kept hidden for so long. “When the healer told me about the baby I-I couldn’t help but thinking about us having a family and then it was all ripped away and Geta said those words…I lost it.”

You could feel the sorrow in his voice, the weight of everything he had been carrying in silence, and your heart ached for him, just as it ached for yourself. You hadn’t realized how deeply the loss had cut him, how the dream of a future you both had envisioned had been shattered in an instant.

“I didn’t think about it” you said.

Acacius’s gaze softened as he looked at you, the grief in his eyes mingling with something more vulnerable, something raw. “I didn’t want you to know,” he admitted quietly. “I didn’t know how to say it, or if it even mattered. But the pain... it wasn’t just yours to carry. After all, I’m the one who must protect you.”

You stepped closer, feeling the need to be near him, to bridge the space that had grown between you. “It matters, Acacius. It always mattered.”

His hand moved to gently touch your cheek, his thumb brushing over your skin in a way that felt both tender and tentative, as though he was afraid you might pull away. But you didn’t. Instead, you leaned into his touch, allowing him to comfort you in the way you had needed for so long.

“I wish I hadn’t said those things to you,” he said, his voice breaking slightly, “I was angry and hurt, but that wasn’t the way to show you how much I cared.”

“I wish we hadn’t let everything build up between us,” you replied, your voice steady now, though your heart still thudded painfully in your chest. “But I understand why we did. I understand why we kept everything hidden.”

There was a silence between you then, a shared understanding that neither of you had known how to express until now. The space that had once felt like a gulf now felt a little smaller, a little less impossible to cross.

“Can we…” You paused, trying to find the right words. “Can we try to heal this together? No more hiding. No more walls between us.”

Acacius’s eyes met yours, the depth of his grief still there, but something else, something warm and hopeful, flickered in them.

Acacius’s hand remained on your cheek, his thumb moving gently as though savoring the contact, as if trying to memorize the feel of you beneath his touch. The space between you seemed to shrink with every passing second, and though the rawness of your shared grief still lingered, there was an undeniable pull between you both—one that had always been there, hidden beneath the tension, the sorrow, and the unspoken words.

He stepped closer, his breath mingling with yours, and for a moment, neither of you said anything. It was as if the world outside had faded into silence, leaving only the two of you standing there in the quiet of the room, in the quiet of this moment.

Without a word, Acacius leaned in, his gaze never leaving yours as if asking permission without speaking. His eyes held a vulnerability that you hadn’t seen before, something raw, something real—and it made your heart beat faster. You nodded almost imperceptibly, unable to put into words what you needed, what you wanted.

And then, he kissed you.

It wasn’t passionate, not at first, but of something deeper, something that carried the weight of all that had come before, of loss, of pain, and of the fragile hope that maybe, just maybe, you could both heal. His lips were gentle on yours, as though he was testing the waters, waiting for any sign that you might pull away. But you didn’t. Instead, you responded, your lips parting slightly as you leaned into him, feeling the warmth of his body against yours.

Acacius’s arms wrapped around you, pulling you closer, his hold steady and sure, and you melted into his embrace. His kiss deepened, and there was a tenderness in it that spoke volumes of the regret, the longing, and the understanding that had finally found its way to the surface.

For a long moment, the world around you ceased to exist. There was only the feeling of his kiss, the warmth of his hands, and the quiet comfort of knowing that, despite everything, you were no longer alone in this.

When the kiss finally broke, you were both breathless, your forehead resting against his, your hearts beating in sync. He didn’t pull away, and neither did you. Instead, you stayed there, letting the silence between you speak for all the things that words could never fully express.

“I’m here,” he whispered, his voice low and filled with emotion.

“And I’m here.” You replied.

The next morning, you awoke with a lingering warmth in your chest, the memory of last night’s kiss with Acacius was still fresh on your lips. It was strange, despite the pain and the heartache, there was something comforting in the way Acacius had held you, as if the weight of everything pressing down on you could be borne, if only together.

But just as the morning light began to fill the room, casting soft shadows on the walls, the harsh knock on your door interrupted the peace. You sighed softly.

One of the servants entered your quarters, announcing the presence of Emperor Geta and Emperor Caracalla.

Before you could even respond, and both Emperor Caracalla and Emperor Geta stepped into the room. Their presence was commanding, each one wearing an expression that veiled their intentions. Caracalla's eyes scanned the room first, his gaze lingering briefly on you.

"Good morning, princess” Caracalla greeted; his tone formal but with an edge of curiosity. "I trust you slept well.”

Geta, ever the more mischievous presence, did not mask his interest so well. His gaze immediately flicked between you and his brother, noting the tension that hung thick in the air. "Ah, my lady” he remarked, his smile laced with hidden meaning. "I hope we aren't interrupting something more... private?"

You could feel Geta’s eyes on you, the weight of his gaze making you uneasy. His curiosity was sharp, and you could almost feel him waiting for any sign of weakness, any crack to exploit. You forced yourself to stand taller, lifting your chin in defiance of his probing stare.

Caracalla’s eyes softened for a moment as he observed the tension, and then, with a slow nod, he motioned toward the chairs by the table. "We did not come here to pry," he said, his voice quieter now, though still full of authority. "But we were concerned. Your absence was noted at yesterday’s games. I trust everything is well?"

Geta, however, did not seem as concerned. He leaned against the doorframe casually, his smirk never wavering. "Indeed," he chimed in. "Such a pity to miss the games, especially with the gladiator’s performance. But I’m sure you’re feeling better now.”

The air between the three of you grew heavy, filled with unsaid things, fears, suspicions, and lingering emotions. Caracalla watched you closely, his sharp gaze measuring your movements though his voice remained level.

"We wanted to ensure all is well. There are matters of the empire that demand our attention, but family is still... important," Caracalla added, though his eyes seemed to linger on you, a glimmer of something unreadable flashing behind them.

Geta stepped closer, a twisted smile curling his lips. "No prisoner has ever had such treatment," he said, gesturing around the luxurious room as if the walls and fine furnishings were a gift from him. "I have given you everything."

Your anger surged, and you couldn’t hold it back any longer. "Everything?" you spat, your voice shaking with fury. "You mean the punishment? The abuse of your power? Poisoning me? Making me lose a child?"

Geta froze, his eyes widening in shock at your words. He hadn’t expected you to confront him so directly, hadn’t anticipated the raw pain and anger that laced your voice. For a moment, he looked almost human, almost remorseful, but it was fleeting, quickly replaced by a cold, calculating expression.

"I... didn’t know," he muttered, though his tone lacked genuine remorse. "That wasn’t my intention."

You took a step closer, your eyes blazing with defiance. "Your intentions don’t matter," you said, your voice low but cutting. "You have taken everything you could from me.”

Geta’s jaw tightened, but he said nothing more. Caracalla’s gaze flicked between you and his brother, a faint smirk playing on his lips as if he found the whole exchange amusing. The tension in the room was suffocating, each moment stretching into eternity.

Finally, Geta turned away, his expression dark and unreadable. "We’ll speak again soon," he said, coming close to you, reaching your ear for you to hear, his voice devoid of the usual warmth he tried to feign. "But remember, no matter how you feel, you are still mine."

After Geta left your quarters, Caracalla lingered for a moment longer, his gaze softened unexpectedly. His voice, usually sharp and cold, dropped to something almost gentle. "You would have made a wonderful mother," he said quietly, his words hanging in the air.

You stiffened at his remark, the unexpected sentiment cutting through the tension like a blade. Before you could respond, he turned and followed Geta out of the room, leaving you in stunned silence.

Acacius stepped inside the room and closed behind the two emperors. His eyes were filled with concern, his jaw tight as he crossed the room to you.

He reached for you, his hands settling on your shoulders. "Are you alright?" he asked softly, searching your face for any sign of how you were feeling.

You nodded slowly, though the weight of Caracalla's words lingered in your mind. "I’m... I’m fine," you whispered, though the crack in your voice betrayed the truth.

Acacius pulled you into his arms, holding you tightly. "You don’t have to pretend," he murmured, his voice gentle. "I’m here. Whatever you need, I’m here."

You buried your face in his chest, the tears you had been holding back finally spilling over. "It’s just too much," you whispered. "Everything... it’s too much."

He tightened his hold on you, pressing a kiss to the top of your head. "I know," he said softly. "But we’ll get through this."

Acacius held you close, his voice low but determined. "I’m taking you away from here," he said, his tone filled with resolve. "You’ve endured enough. I’ll defeat Geta and Caracalla, bring down their empire, and when it’s safe... I’ll come back for you."

You pulled back slightly, searching his eyes. "Acacius, that’s treason. it’s too dangerous. If they find out-"

"They won’t," he interrupted firmly, his hands tightening on your arms. "I have an army. Men who are loyal to me only. They’ll arrive in a 3 days and we’re bringing Rome to what it was, but I need you to out of here before that.”

Your breath caught in your throat at his words, the weight of what he was proposing sinking in. "Acacius, you can’t be serious," you whispered, fear creeping into your voice. "This is madness. If they discover your plans, they’ll kill you. They’ll kill us."

His expression softened, but his resolve remained unshaken. "I’ve never been more serious," he said quietly. "I’ve watched this empire fall apart under their rule, seen too many suffer because of their greed and cruelty. I won’t let it continue. Not while I have the power to stop it."

You shook your head, heart pounding. "And what about me? You’re asking me to leave, to run while you stay and fight. I can’t do that, Acacius. I can’t leave you behind."

He cupped your face in his hands, his eyes intense but filled with a deep affection. "I need you safe," he insisted. "If you stay, they’ll use you against me. They’ll hurt you to get to me, and I can’t allow that."

Tears welled in your eyes again as the weight of his words pressed down on you. "I don’t want to lose you," you whispered, your voice breaking.

"You won’t," he promised, his thumb brushing away a tear that escaped down your cheek. "I’ll come back for you. I swear it."

He leaned in, his forehead resting against yours. "Then at least you’ll be safe," he said softly. "And you’ll know that I did everything I could to make things right."

"I can't leave my brother behind," you said, your voice trembling as you pulled back slightly, your eyes searching his face.

Acacius froze, his brow furrowing in confusion. "What?" he asked, disbelief coloring his tone.

"Lucius is alive," you confessed, the weight of the secret you’d been holding finally lifting from your chest. "The gladiator I healed... that's my brother.”

His eyes widened, disbelief flashing across his face. "Your brother?" he repeated, his voice barely above a whisper. "Lucius... he's alive?"

You nodded, tears brimming in your eyes. "He survived all these years, but I couldn’t tell anyone. If Geta or Caracalla found out, they would kill him.”

Acacius ran a hand through his hair, taking a step back as he tried to process the revelation. "This... changes everything," he muttered, his mind racing. "Lucius is alive?”

You nodded.

He exhaled slowly, the weight of the situation settling on his shoulders. "We’ll have to get him out, too," he said, his voice resolute. "I won’t leave your brother behind. We’ll take him with us."

Acacius stepped forward and wrapped his arms around you, pulling you close once more. His embrace was firm yet gentle, a silent promise of solidarity and protection. You leaned into him, finding comfort in his warmth, the weight of your shared burden momentarily lifted.

For a long moment, neither of you spoke. The gravity of what lay ahead hung heavy in the air, but there was also an unspoken understanding between you, a mutual resolve to face the impending storm together.

Everything that hurt you, it hurt him. Every broken piece that fell out from your heart got stuck on your skin. Everything about the world he used to hate, he loved it now. You had made his life bearable because every time he opened his eyes and saw your lashes kissed your skin, how your chest inhale and exhale. He was glad he had survived thousands of battles just for his fate ending up being next to you.  He would choose this path again and he would vow his promise to Lucilla just to kiss your face all over again.

And just as his promised he would put your life under protection to end the reign that had taunted you for so many years.

“I’ll end this” Acacius murmured against your hair, his voice steady with determination. “I’ll save Lucius, and I’ll put an end to Geta and Caracalla’s reign, and you will be out, safe for now.”

You nodded against his chest, knowing damn well that your plan wasn’t the same as his, but both of them would meet the same fate.

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[gangstalkerbarbie]

Yeah! Magic is a cultural concept that should actually be very carefully thought about before you put it in your writing, I think.

There's a funny dissonance about this in the American Orthodox Jewish community, where, like almost every other society, people engage in behaviours that are objectively, anthropologically folk magic.

But they're all very annoying about it, like, no, no, this isn't MAGIC, magic is ILLEGAL... it's not, you literally do it all the time, you were taught a teletubby conceptual translation for "kishuf" (which actually encompasses both illegal sorcery and a rabbinical tradition of allowable theurgy people no longer see a need to do, and therefore rationalize away – and notably includes segulos and most of the stuff women get up to, which is white magic in final fantasy terms) and the only gentiles you know are American Protestants, who are famously not neutral about magic.

What's happening here is the concept of magic as generally subscribed to and feared by Satanic Panic enjoyers, which is a cultural mainstream, has encountered and influenced a minority with a real, ancient, and now fragmentary among most people (Jews no longer have most of our wizard type professions, and rabbis' classical era Earthseaesque high magic has largely been subsumed by Kabbalah and rebranded as mysticism) traditional conception of how power moves through the universe and can (but should it?) be controlled by mortal man.

This conception is translated into the dominant cultural idiom as "magic", which is also that idiom's word for heinous things they really hate you if you do, and that idiom also no longer distinguishes legal from illegal magic. The law of the land is halakhically the law and all communities living near each other affect each other.

The dots are easy to connect from here, and this is why Ukrainian Hasidim are so much more freaky and superstitious about it — the entire east bloc has had mostly the same spiritual ecology (the irl equivalent of the hard natural world bits of a magic system) across religions for a very, very, very long span of feudal time, interrupted by a communist revolution but now increasingly turned to by absolutely everyone. The Hasidic mystic worldview makes absolute sense to random grannies there because they live in the shreds of the Christian reflex thereof.

(You can visit springs sacred to specific native Siberians in Russia and see that Christians, Muslims and local Jews also use them as such — because the sacredness of them has nothing to do with high theology, and that's how folk religions work.)

So in your fantasy world, what is magic? How many different conceptual frameworks exist for magic? Do they all work? Which ones (e.g. in our world, Zoroastrian, Arab and Jewish magic) are considered most effective and foundational? Which ones (e.g. Romani magic) kind of came out of left field into the setting but everyone agrees they work terrifyingly well? Do different societies categorise the same acts as magic? Would a bicultural child between any two of your concultures internalise or innovate anything unusual about magic for where they live? Are they right?

The same guy who will be like MAGIC IS ILLEGAL probably has superstitions about hamsas and is forced to accept certain magical concepts as real because they're codified in the rabbinical literature. He definitely prays an acrostic of the name of a sick person when hoping they get better, and he may believe his doing this is an act of agency, though not power. (Submitting your request to the celestial bureaucracy is still engaging with the machinery of the world that is invisible to people who are not your people.)

But to him they're real, you see. Not magic. He doesn't have the framework even his great great grandparents had for this shit (they lived in Imperial Russia or in Egypt or what have you), which is yet again different from the folk magic landscape the codifiers lived in, where they were allowed to do some things that are now generally accepted as, hm, bad. And this is still distinct from whether electricity is magical. The past is a foreign country, a foreign country is a foreign country, and in real life all of them have only vaguely taxonomically related ideas about what magic even is.

Much to ponder for the median fantasist, and I hope this has been enriching!

a pet peeve of mine in fantasy is when they talk about the Magic(tm) like studying the magic, having the magic, or like, supernatural powers but where everyone has superpowers in that civilization. and. and.

elves wouldn't say "we have superior vision", they'd say "yeah humans are practically blind".

in my pocket i have a piece of metal with a little window that is powered by the energy of running water and that contains all the information in the world

and we call that a cell phone. i play project makeover on mine.

any animal would call that Magic(tm). be we don't. because it's not magic for us.

do you get me?

[batboyblog]

I'm sorry, Mr. President

As the last full day of Joe Biden's Presidency draws to a close I'm dealing with a great deal of sadness.

I won't rehash it all, but Joe Biden was the most progressive, the best President of my lifetime, consistently delivering big wins that as a Democrat I never expected to see pass through Congress.

But we let him down, and in letting him down, let ourselves down. Four long years of Trump we were tired, we were tired of always being plugged in, always reacting always fighting back. For millions of us we wanted a return to a politics that could take the day off.

In our tiredness and naivete we assumed that sooner or later the truth would just win out. We reassured ourselves that public perception of the economy always lagged behind reality, that low unemployment, rising real wages, and cooling inflation would all mix together and sail Joe Biden to a second term. We were at peace around the world, unemployment hadn't been lower since the 1960s, we'd passed infrastructure a thing everyone had been talking about for 15 years.

We were tired, and we in our weakness looked for someone else to do the job. Surely the news media would report reality we thought, surely someone will....

We let him down, I let him down. I worked really hard to elect Kamala Harris President, I believe from the bottom of my soul she would have been very good at it. However my efforts.... I see now I should have put the level of effort I put into working to elect Harris I should have put in every day of Biden's Presidency.

We were the final girl in a horror movie, having killed the movie monster we drop our knife only to have Michael Myers sit back up. We thought the resistance was over, silly us, it was just the lull in the action.

Every day of Biden's Presidency false narratives about him "too old" "doesn't do anything" "what about student loan debt!" "strike breaker!" "genocide Joe" or the economy "look at the price of milk!" "eggs!" "the worst economy since the great depression!" etc

and for most of 4 years our push back was weak and worse we didn't push OUR message, the truth. Only when it was too late, and we kept looking for the law to save us from Trump, surely once he was indicted, once he was convicted! once.... no because there was no effective machine to push that message to people over and over and over again. There was a machine made up of so many people, boosted by TikTok and Twitter to push the lies about Joe Biden

but the damning truth is we let ourselves down, we got weary as the nice church ladies would always warn me, don't get weary now, we did, we got tired in the work and when you get tired, when you grow weary, you lose and we lost.

I'm really sorry to President Biden, Vice-President Harris and everyone else, I didn't do everything I could, I know I did in 2024 but I should have done more in 2021, 2022 and 2023, that is clear.

It'll be hard to find the energy I know and I also know my own efforts alone mean very little, but I will try, every day of the next long hard 4 years to fight, to not let the other side ever ever EVER again have all their own way.

[hyperfixiation-station]

Behind Enemy Lines Part 1

CW: Torture, Canon-typical violence, talk of derealization, disassociation Summary: You were a friendly medic, captured years ago and held prisoner, forced to do do the bidding of your captors. Years later, a man by the name of Ghost is dragged in and changes the trajectory of your life. A/N: I had severe ADHD, and i am unmedicated rn, and it makes it really hard to work on things unless I get the hyperfocused drive for it, so I'm sorry I'm so bad at making the other parts to my fics. Know that I will never abandon them. it just might take me a while. idea part 2

You fought back, at first. Way back when you first got captured, taken from your base camp and dragged through miles and miles of harsh terrain, blindfolded and bound. A medic you were, yes. But your team had trained you with the best of them. You spent the whole time trying to escape, kicking and screaming until they bound your legs and gagged you. You spent the first month of captivity refusing to talk to them, hissing and spitting and pretending their punches didn’t hurt. But it didn't take you long to realize it was better to cooperate, or to at least be civil. Civility got you less broken bones, less pain, more rations, more sleep. Cooperation didn’t come till later, when you finally realized your team wasn't coming for youthey were dead but you didn't know that.

Surprisingly, the whole mouth-getting-sewn-shut didn't happen till a couple years in... they were torturing someone, a man who said he had kids and a wife at home, whose only wish was that they left something recognizable of him so they could get some closure. You begged them to stop. Begged them to stop when his wounds became too numerous to count, too much for you to handle. Begged because you started to care for him as he told you about his son and daughter, how they want him home for Christmas(You didn't have the heart to tell him Christmas was 6 days ago) Told them that he would die no matter what you did if they continued. Well, they didn't stop, and he did die... and you found yourself ringing in the new year by being strapped to a table.

“We warned you to stop talking with him.” They said as they clamped the metal shut over your forehead and chin, holding you in place. “We told you to not get attached, but since you can’t seem to do it on your own, we’ll help you.” The feeding tube came 2 weeks later, shoved up your nose when they realized you were starving...they couldn't lose their favorite medic of course.

You stopped paying attention to the passage of time after that, spent most of your days drifting in and out of reality, moving through the motions with a practiced ease. And it would have remained that way, if it wasn’t for a man in a skull mask with a team- a family- looking for him. 

Your first introduction to him ended up with you getting a broken nose. Per usual, you were shoved into the cell, medical kit in hand, ready to fix up whatever damage your captors had done the their poor prisoner.

The mask he had been wearing when you saw him dragged in was gone, and he had a gash that went all the way through his cheek that would need stitching up. You pull out your equipment, moving slowly towards his bleeding face. 

he headbutted you the moment you got close enough for him to reach, and the crunch of bone and the gush of warm blood followed, not that you noticed. You were still in that dreamlike state, not quite tether to reality in the way you should be. You barely noticed when they tranqued him, and the only reason you didn't finish his stitches is because you passed out too(it’s hard to breathe through a bloody, broken nose)

The next time you approach more carefully, but he’s no trouble. Mostly because they left him completely strapped to the table this time. Today was a rare day, a time when you  could actually feel your feet on the ground rather than just see them. You feel bad as you wipe him down, your eyes flicking over the myriad of scars on his body. What’s one more you think to yourself as you get to work stitching a stab wound to his thigh. Just barely missed the artery here…that could have been bad news. Okay tie it off and- there we go. I think the only other thing that need to- oh, is he…talking to me? I should probably pay attention to that.

“-here?” His voice is gravely, though you suppose yours would be too after being tortured. He stares at you expectantly, and you shrug. You don’t know what he said, and even if you did, you couldn’t answer. You just move to his wrist, snapping the bone back in place. He inhales sharply, but doesn’t make an actual sound, which surprises you. But you don’t dwell on it, wrapping a bandage around his arm and moving to exit the room. 

“Y’ no’ g’nna lemme off?” His voice sounds, “they said y’ would.” You spin around, staring at him. You're not stupid. And even if your…bosses had said that, you still wouldn’t do it. Being trapped in a room with a man who is at least a foot taller than you and looks like he could kill a man with his glare? No thank you. 

You take a step back, heading towards the door. The man lets out a sound you would barely qualify as a laugh. “Sm’rt then.” He says to himself, “No’ gonna be that easy.” 

The next time you go in, you can't help but wonder what they want from this man. By now they usually would have killed him off. Oh well, not your job to wonder. You clean him up, splinting the fingers they had broke when he talks to you again.

"why don't y' let me die?" He says, voice just as gravely as before, "Put me outa m' misery?" You don't respond, just keep taping his hand. IT's something you ad asked yourself, right at the beginning. It would be kinder for you to just let your patients die. But you couldn't do it. Partially because you were punished anytime someone died before your captors wanted them to, but also because you were a medic. YOu were there to heal. You couldn't stomach letting someone die by your hand.

"Answer me!" The man snarls, bringing you back to the present, "For god's sake y' never talk, fuckin' mute." You don't respond, of course. Just finish your task and leave him to his thoughts.

He’s angrier after that time, you’ve noticed. The few times you're actually present, he’s fighting you. Usually not with words, but he bucks and doesn’t hold still. He’s tried to grab your medical supplies countless times, and one time you actually had to be pulled out because he jerked his arm while you were stitching him and somehow managed to drive the needle into your own hand. The few times he does actually yell at you, you’re usually not paying attention. You can catch words like “Dishonorable”  and “Disgraceful”. You aren’t entirely sure of the context of the words, but you can guess. You’ve treated enough prisoners who think that you are the world's worst human being, a blight to the medical field, to guess what he's trying to tell you. 

It's funny though, this man so full of hate. Because, for the first time in goodness knows how long, your feet are on the ground, and your head is level. Something about this man, his angry, uncrushed demeanor, even after weeks of torture, stirs emotion in you that you can’t quite identify. And maybe you should be grateful, thankful your head is on right, but you're not. You so desperately want to go back to that place of apathy and detachment, where your emotions weren’t so strong, were the pains of mishealed bones and poorly healed scars didn’t plague your waking moments. 

Or maybe it wasn’t the man- The Ghost, as you found out he was called. Maybe it was the fact that something in the air had changed. The air was electric, charged with tension so thick you could feel it even alone in your cot. They were watching you, you could tell. Could feel their eyes tracking your movements in a way they hadn’t since first giving you freedom to move around. 

You're not sure why. It’s not like you have anyone to go home to. You were an only child, and your parents had died long before you reached 18. All you had was your team, a team that had seemingly abandoned you. So why would you leave? There was nowhere to go. And yet they watched you. Was it because you were becoming more aware, more grounded then you had been in a long while? Was it the man, Ghost, who had them on edge? 

The answer came two days later. You were in Ghost's cell again, desperately packing gauze into a gaping hole on his side. You don’t know what had happened, but for the first time in years you were dragged from your cell, your captors muttering under their breath in a language you still didn’t understand as they thrust you into his cell. Blood was everywhere. Your best guess was that Ghost had been struggling and an instrument had slipped and gouged out a hole in his side. So here you are, packing gauze into the wound as you try to figure out what to do to keep him alive with your rudimentary supplies. 

You pack another piece of gauze in just as the door goes flying open. Men, dressed in black, wearing the same mask Ghost was, come bursting in. 

“Get back!” The one in the front yells at you, gun pointed in your face. You shake your head, hands pressed against Ghost’s wound. 

“Now!” You make a protesting noise, trying to gesture with your chin. The man looks down, eyes widening. 

“Aw shit- are you the medic?” You nod almost desperately. The man looks at you again, staring at your hands. They are shaking, pressed against the wound as you try to keep Ghost from bleeding out. 

“Fix him.” The man snaps. You shake your head and look up at the man, trying to communicate that you need more supplies. 

“Use your words.” The man gabs the gun at you, indicating he wants you to get on with it. You stomp your foot, shaking your head again. 

“What, what's that supposed..…you can’t speak, can you?” You nod, glad he finally got it. The man groans, lowering his gun.

“You’re coming with us, but you make one wrong move, and I mean one, I will put a bullet through your brain before you can even speak. Got it?” He gestures to the other two men with him, and together you lift Ghost up, carrying him out to safety.

A/N- anyways, here's part one. Sorry if it disappoints anyone

tags, sorry if i missed any:

@redzluvvesage @just-a-harmless-potato-05  @vesna-the-spring @princess312 @norsehorseofcourse-blog @bonniperinktrance @soggywafflezz  @littlebunie @sirbonesly @havoc973 @mommymilkers0526 @thegreyjoyed @pinkiliciousgunp0int @poopoobuttsy @darcellethedreamer @kamote-kuneho