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greenmansgrove · 7 months

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To Worship a War Goddess in the Modern Era

This devotional writing is dedicated to the Great Queens, Na Morrígna, She who has called me to service. Inspired by a nightmare, this writing is offered to uphold an exchange. May these words aid not in teaching others how to think, but in learning to listen.

One thing since being called by the Morrigan that I’ve had difficulty resolving is the Morrigan’s being a war goddess in the age of the military industrial complex, where wars, especially on the part of the US and other imperialist nations, are fought not for sovereignty or “defense,” like so many USAmericans are raised to believe. Authors on the Morrigan agree war has changed since the days of her worship among the Celts, but none I’ve found talk about what it means to worship her in the face of wars fought for unjust causes and for profit, or the fact that veterans are made forgotten victims instead of honored warriors, or in watching the genocide of the Palestinian people, among other ongoing injustices worldwide. I worry that sovereignty for the Morrigan is equated with imperialism, colonialism, and white supremacy, especially given some personal history interacting with devotees who themselves hold such values. Surely, with just how sick the land and its people are thanks to poverty, climate change, etc., the current “sovereigns” in power do not have the Morrigan’s blessing?

I admit I do not have all the answers or all the vocabulary to speak as strongly as I feel on this topic. As only an Acolyte still forging my relationship with the Morrigan, I am in the process of learning what worship of a war goddess in the modern age looks like. The Morrigan and her care have changed since ancient times, and they should. Her being able to do so speaks to the power of what she represents and the needs of the communities who call on her. Her complexity only grows in the modern age, especially in the face of global economies and imperialism, and as her worship is taken beyond the bounds of her homelands. Thus, I am left wondering how to consider or work with her warlike aspects.

In folklore, the Morrigan is often an antagonist, appears to fight for the “wrong” side, and starts wars out of nowhere. Authors like Courtney Weber (2019) and Stephanie Woodfield (2021) mention that we do not know for what purpose she started wars in ancient times, but both urge that the concepts of war and violence are complex not just to the Morrigan but to humanity. The Morrigan, by her very nature and actions across even her seemingly mortal lifetimes, is a goddess in the grey areas who rejects false binaries between life and death or war and peace. She teaches us not to believe in things blindly or warns us against simple stances on complex subjects. Jewish Witch, devotee of the Morrigan, and staunch anti-Zionist Asa West (2014) says, “The Morrígan implores us not to glorify war or reject all armed conflict on principle, but rather to understand and work through humankind’s propensity towards violence.” I think to deny violence on principal, and especially to uncritically shame its use by others, is a shortsighted stance. I firmly believe in the necessity of violence to end violence. I believe that victims of state-sanctioned violence have a right to defend themselves. I believe that nonviolence has its place (this is the purpose of magick, after all, as well as the Morrigan’s and the Celts’ battle cries, so that enemies may be deterred from battle), but it cannot be the only way to peace when the tools and means to defend oneself are available and help ensure one’s right to life. In these ways, I feel that I understand the Morrigan better. She is not a goddess of war and violence to glorify it, but because it is a facet of our reality. If there are any gods to rule over war, I would want her to be one who understands all its facets, complexities, necessities, goals, and consequences, who mourns as well as celebrates, who seeks peace as its ultimate means, and knows that none of it is so simply defined or easily attained.

So how does the Morrigan fit into modern concepts of war, if we recognize violence as a both a reality and a necessity? To that end, I think it is important to look at the ways war has changed in modern times. To USAmericans and other global imperialist nations, wars are rarely if ever fought locally. Our views of war have become physically distanced as a result of deploying our people overseas, selling weapons to arm other peoples for us, and by employing technologies like drones for environmental terrorism. All this makes obliviousness to and normalization of war easier, contributing to willful ignorance to those impacted by the machinations of individuals who perpetuate and profit from it. As a result of the military industrial complex, I think the purposes of war get lost and even corrupted. I fear oversimplifying this discussion, but I find it important to at least describe how a world economy based on war not only distances us from the realities of war, but makes it easier to forget the different types of, ways that, and reasons for which wars have been and can be fought. Given how often the concept of sovereignty is debated in the Morrigan’s community, perhaps the concept of war requires it, too, because I refuse to believe in a god who would condone the actions of, incite the kinds of violence perpetrated by, or fight for a “side” like those of Israel and United States over the years.

In the modern age, I think the Morrigan incites the internal wars, too, both within the individual and within a country’s political climate through protests, demonstrations, political movements, and the like. These, too, are wars, where violence occurs and where it has shown to be necessary, though not the only armaments for change and peace. Wars for justice in the modern era are ones that have brought us concepts such as Restorative Justice, which seek not only to put an end to things like retributive justice and the concept of a carceral state, but improve the lives of even perpetrators of violence and harm. Woodfield (2021) says of the Morrigan that this is the true cost of peace:

“I could hear the Morrigan in my mind, saying, ‘The true price of invoking peace is that you bless even your enemies, so that all might be whole again.’ Because how you end a battle is sometimes far more important than how you began it in the first place. Or how you fought it […] [A]ll people will remember is how it ended. […] Peace really isn’t peaceful. It’s earned only when you are willing to fight for it.” (p. 67)

Peace doesn’t mean people aren’t held accountable—that’s among the ideas that Restorative Justice seeks to uphold. Peace means ensuring all involved parties learn, grow, and heal from the experience.

And it is why that I believe the Morrigan revels in these grey areas of the definitions of and purposes for war. All authors agree the Morrigan is a peace-bringer as much as she is a war-maker. Those who analyze her mythologies will tell you she wages the wars she does specifically to bring about the kind peace she ushers at the end of the Battles of Moytura. Perhaps the true reasons of the wars mentioned in the mythologies are lost to time or have been romanticized for the purposes of a good story, but there are still lessons to be learned there, I think, for the Morrigan’s faithful.

I am personally drawn to the myth of Macha Mong Ruad, who, in defeating Dithorba’s sons, did not kill them, but charged them with constructing her fort, Emain Macha. Rather than killing those men, she reintegrated them into society, she gave them work, and she presumably treated them well so that they could complete that work. I see that work being a form of justice as they took part in the construction of safety and peace against which they had originally rallied out of selfishness and disrespect for Macha’s sovereignty and gender identity. I imagine they most definitely were outcasts among Macha’s people henceforth. Her people even question why she spared the men in the first place. Shame is a necessary for accountability to take place, and it is sadly something perpetrators of violence and injustice avoid or refuse to let themselves feel, because oppressors can only ever imagine the violence they commit being done unto them. Macha’s decision was an important one for her to make so that not only was peace maintained and her power demonstrated, but also so Dithorba’s sons could be given time to learn the lessons of their transgressions and experience all facets of accountability, including shame.

Peace is a war, too, as we try to heal and restore others to health and happiness, give even our enemies the space not just to learn from and internalize the lessons we have sought to teach them through war, but now ensure that they thrive because of it. Revenge on and eradication of our enemies is what we have been taught war is in the modern era, but I prefer to entertain the notion that that is not what it should be. I would love to reach an era where international wars are fought differently, where machines of violence are eradicated, and where the struggle is spent learning to empathize, learning to negotiate, and learning to wish wellness upon even the people who have hurt us. Revenge and retaliation distract us from and become easy ways out of the harder, healthier work. Thus, we must work to get there, which in this day and age means making use of the tools available to us in order to secure not only our survival and victories, but our abilities to thrive afterwards.

I like to think the Morrigan knows all this, too, and this is what she wants. If she didn’t before, then maybe she knows now as her worshippers have found her across all corners of the globe and as she has grown and changed with them. I think it is important to remember that faith and spirituality are ecologies: there are things gods can do that mortals cannot, and there are things mortals can do that gods cannot, so they rely on one another. I think that ecology includes the negotiations for change and growth, if we are all living and continually changing aspects of nature. Change is good, change is expected. It is a war goddess like the Morrigan, whose changes are near constant, I would trust with the domain of war. May we all, in the face of war both just and unjust, learn to grow, change, and heal together just as fervently as we fight.

#the morrigan #free palestine #druidism #devotional writing #lots of writing this week #trying to get it done ahead of the dark moon this weekend so i can make good on a request i feel the morrigan is making of me #thid has been in the drafts since January and since my February mew moon ritial i have been receiving #clear signs that I should finish what i started #so here we are

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historia-vitae-magistras · 7 months

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I am getting major ADHD vibes from your characterization of Aussie, ngl. I mean, can't sit still, always needs to be moving, hard to catch his attention if he isn't interested..

Then again maybe this is me projecting because of my own ADHD

Dmrjcjrnrjfjjr so— I don't specifically hand out mental health diagnoses to characters because most of my work is set before they're defined 😂 but funny you should mention that.

He came into being in his current form in about 2019. Me, one of my brothers, my primary writing partner and an Australian friend outside of this community who helped me a lot with him all got early adulthood ADHD diagnoses in 2021 and 2022. So he— yeah he and most of my characters have some sort of neurodivergence flavouring but Jack probably got most of the ping-pong-ball-braincell coded personality because it builds so nicely on his perky sunny energetic culture. I didn't mean too and I've toned it down since realizing. But especially in my older stuff yeah it's there.

#the ask box || probis pateo #hws australia #jack || a land of summer skies

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chaos-monkeyy · 11 months

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❦ ➷ get to know your fellow fanfic writers better ༊ ✧.*

Tagged by @dewdropreader and @mirilyawrites , thank you!!

1. when did you post your first ever fanfic?

February 2019!

2. first character you wrote for:

Ben Jones my beloved (from Midsomer Murders)

3. main character(s) you’re currently writing for:

I don't know if I'm even allowed to answer this one 😂 Probably my own characters for original works, aside from that I really am just all over the map.. I'll say the ones I'm most likely to come back to regularly these days are Captain Pike, Mobius, and Dalinar Kholin (along with, y'know, people for them to get it on with).

4. character(s) you haven’t written about before but plan on writing about soon:

Pike's sex toys 😏

But uhhh actual people I haven't already written? 🤔 I am still toying with the idea of writing a little Jordi x Erin scene for Who Is Erin Carter? but it's anyone's best guess whether I'll actually get around to it 🙈

5. fandom(s) you’re currently writing for:

The main culprits lately have been Stormlight Archive, Star Trek Strange New Worlds, the Loki series, Stargate, and original fiction! Honorable mention to OFMD and Good Omens who've popped in there a couple times as well and may or may not continue to make occasional appearances 💖

6. platonic pairing(s) you currently write for:

.....let's say Ortegas & Pike since I did technically write them recently 😆 and also I love them.

7. romantic pairing(s) you currently write for:

All the things

Though let's be real, it's just straight up sexual pairings as opposed to romantic most of the time 🍾 But yeah, there's just.. so many to have fun with ✨

8. your top 3 tags on AO3 (if you post your works on AO3):

PWP, Omorashi... and in third place is a three way tie between Masturbation, Watersports, and Blowjobs 😂

9. your current platform where you post your works

Fanfic:

Original work:

With occasional cross-posting between the two 😊

10. snippet of the wip you’re currently working on:

..alright well here's hoping I do wind up actually finishing the big-dick-Mobius fic I started ages ago to go with @natendo-art 's hot fucking artwork 🙈

“May I?” Loki was asking— and he was trailing one hand downwards, fingers teasing along the line of Mobius’s belt.

Mobius’s breath caught in an embarrassing little whimper, but he nodded anyway, a little distracted from wondering… Should he tell Loki he didn’t have any idea what he was doing, not really? Should he keep quiet and hope maybe Loki wouldn’t notice how woefully inexperienced he was beyond his own hands? Or—

Mobius’s nervous train of thought was interrupted by Loki’s fingers finding his stiffened cock through his suit pants with a little squeeze—

…And then Loki stopped, pulled back, and stared at Mobius with wide eyes and a slightly shocked look.

“Wh… what is it?” Mobius asked, face flaming, instantly certain he’d done something wrong. “I’m sorry—”

“Sorry?” Loki breathed, and to Mobius’s tentative relief, that slightly slack-jawed expression twisted up into a grin of delight instead. “My dear Mobius, you should definitely not be sorry about this.”

Tagging @trainofcommand , @d--dandelions , @cosmereplay , @might-be-a-lynx , @confuzing , @knight-of-skyloft , @cordeliaperry , @frankthesnek , @cuillere , and anyone else I missed who wants to do it - consider yourself tagged too! 💙

#tag games #multifandom #smut

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mygenderisstillblurry · 3 months

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I've been reading your blog, and I mean none of this as accusation or insult, but I get the strong vibe that you have deeply rooted internalized misogyny that guided your transition and is now guiding your detrans. You do not want to look or feel like a man, but you want to be treated like one: you want to be treated as a person. Male is default, etc. You talk about sexualization of your fem body, pre-surgery chest, etc. and it feels like a desire to run from what other people have told you it means to be a woman or to be seen as a woman. What does "being a woman" mean to you? Also, just because you are not a man doesn't mean you have to be a woman. Wishing you all the best.

Hey, thank you for reaching out, I always appreciate new perspectives and new things to think about. I'm going to write out a thorough response to this one.

I think you are right about my transition being largely motivated by a desire to run from the expectations of how women "should" look or "should" feel about their bodies. In addition to the "reasons I'm not trans" document from 2019 that I mentioned from previous posts, I have a corresponding "reasons I might be trans" document, and I am so grateful for the existence of them both because it is the only thing that allows me to gain access to my perspective back then. It pretty much exclusively consists of various points on breast/chest dysphoria, voice dysphoria, and then a TON of points that are what I know now to be a normal female experience. For example, "I find all the natural functions of a vagina to be annoying at best. Like discharge is annoying and I hate how wet I get when I'm aroused[...]and I hate having to deal with my period." Or "A lot of times the only reason I think about presenting more feminine[...]is to change other people's view of me. Not for myself." Now I know these are pretty common experiences among many women, but at the time, I felt alone in these struggles, and found community with online trans folks. I suppose that is internalized misogyny; thinking that only I could feel these things and that cis women could not. If I had learned how to cope with these feelings (and more along the same lines) as a woman, I would likely not have transitioned or would have taken fewer steps.

I'm curious as to what you mean by misogyny affecting my detransition/possible detransition? Do you think internalized misogyny is motivating me to return to identifying as a woman? (Not an accusatory statement; just trying to see if I'm understanding correctly.) I know I currently struggle to separate gender identity from gender roles, expressions, and stereotypes. Am I a woman, or do I just enjoy stereotypically feminine things? Am I a man, or do I just not want to be perceived as a woman? I suppose that last point is what you mean by internalized misogyny affecting my detransition. I'm not sure if I want to be seen as a woman or not, and my motivations for that are ??? (like I said, lots to think about). But to me that's still something that would affect my transition/decision not to detransition, rather than the decision to detransition.

As for what a woman is...I honestly don't know. I don't have an issue with the idea that some people just have an unexplainable innate sense of gender. Like, some people are women because they have an understanding that they are women as a core of their identity. Some people are women because they are the opposite, they don't have any innate sense of feeling like a woman but they were born that way so that's just how it is for them. But that's a vague answer and I have a curiosity/drive to understand what makes trans people know they're trans, and that's likely due to my own questioning. For me, being a man was always a combination of physical dysphoria and "I just know". Like, I was happy on T for about 2 years, I was constantly perceived as male, I could be stealth, and I was happy. Then, I started to feel uncomfortable with the changes to my body, and along with that, my sense of "just knowing" faded. I think this is why I struggle with whether or not I should detransition. I don't have any innate feeling connecting me to womanhood or manhood at this point. I know this is where gender critical people will say "that's because your gender is your sex" and trans folks will say "that's because you're agender; that's an agender experience," but I don't know. I don't think I agree with either of those.

Finally, I am interested in your closing statement. "just because you are not a man doesn't mean you have to be a woman." This just feels disconnected from the rest of the ask. I know I can identify as nonbinary, but considering the rest of what you just said, would that not mean I'm still acting on internalized misogyny and running from the expectations other people have for what a woman is? I might be misinterpreting this.

Thank you again for the ask. I am honestly surprised that this blog has gained any traction at all; I figured I'd mostly be shouting into the void. But hearing from other people, with their own experiences and their own voices, at the very least makes me think on new perspectives and makes me feel less alone.

#detransition #detrans #questioning detransition

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sakhi · 1 year

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My Experiences

So a lot has happened throughout my journey of last year and this current one and the moon has turned out to be a pivotal sign for me in this physical life and in my own thoughts because it symbolizes a relationship which i have with god but also someone who i never expected to be my biological brother Lucifer Morningstar.

throughout my spiritual journey especially last year he has been giving me signs but not just last year because he was omnipotent back in 2019 when i was suffering through peer pressure of trying to be a cool kid or thug for that say, example one time when lucifer showed himself for the first time in me and worked when i was on the streets looking for someone to mug or rob but that's not the main thing you should focus on because during that event of me trying to rob people he was bringing out my latent spiritual ability that came out as soon as i cracked the numbers and quite frankly he was cutting out lights and streets where dark whenever I would pull up to them but him being the real person he was never spoke and made it look like it was me all along which at this moment I'm not too sure myself but quite frankly he confirmed as I am writing this that it was me.

moving on. as time went by during that time of my awakening i was going through a lot emotionally because i didn't really have an identity so fast forward up till 2020. but what you must realize ladies and gentlemen is that Lucifer never left me ever since and this was before him and Jesus and Moses should me their contracts about lifetime commitment on working on a prophet.

so during this time i went through alot of eye-opening experiences but im mention them all starting with the second eye opening things that happened.

which was the time where my mind was curious to the metaphysics and the symbolisms and sigils, so what happened i was watching paranormal activities 2 and quite frankly there was a scene whereby the toby (possesd ajeza) which her name was ajeza which later on became one of my wives in the after life. but what happens in the scene is that Ajezas wife buys and Ouija board and suggests to ajeza that maybe communicating to the spirit and asking it to leave would be another solution to getting the demon out the house. so what happens they try it out and suddenly what happens when they do try it out, no respones. so they go out shopping for groceries and during the time the left. the ouiji board lit up on fire and there was so much wind inside the house youd think it was at at the beach. but two symbolizes showed up one was a triangle which is on one of the pictures i posted to go along with this post the other was a circle with another circle within it and two horns. now tbf i couldnt find the symbol of the the circle with horns on it but moving on. the day after id watched that movie it stuck on my mind because i was wondering why that symbolism was so powerful becuase i was curious to how i can use that shit too. so what happened i had a mainframe and quite frankly if you want to understand what a mainframe is simply put. its like a body or a mind computer thats connected to the universe that allows use to alter realities. so i had a mainframe and the truth of it all since i was the person that cracked pyschological numbers that we all do somehow i was shown a mainframe and when id put those to sigils or symbols of toby or you can call her ajeza (toby demon name) i ended up summoning her in my hood and when that happened lots of things happened in america becuase fire broke out and cnn had video footage of that very same triangle burning in the forest the sad part boys and girls i couldnt find a picture to show you.

moving on to 2022.. this was a critical time because this was when i became cooked instead raw awakening. so come the time january and id lost my numbers thinking i did but Lucifer had put me on 58 the whole time, and i was still working security i came to point where by i didnt like the numbers i was doing primarily because i lost the number i was doing for a long time which was 9. little did i know how significant Lucifers numbers mean at the time cause i didnt know.

so a day came when I was talking to a friend of mine Thabiso and i told him i want get back in the numbers which i did because i sat myself down to a peace of paper started doing my times table etc etc and i got my numbers back i was doing 9 7 8 6 and even 10 11 14 and those where the numbers i did so whats critical about this is that when i told myelf i wanted to get back in the numbers significant things happened becuase id connected myself to the whole solar system and even the suposed jesus at the time to later figure out this year was the actual year hed came alive cause i brought him back. not to life but to life in the after life because what he told me was that when he got crucified he also had a nail in his third eye (inbetween the eyebrows) something that was never spoken about.

so after id connected to all the planets even the so called heaven that to only figure out at this moment was Lucifers heaven, id linked up to it and alot changed on that very same day. fake Jesus well he was king at the time because lucifer had allowed it and like it or not there are tons of fake god clones in the afterlife and quite frankly the biggest challenge for me and my god Lucifer whose my brother are banks( clones of people who are real). now track back again when id discovered that heaven fake jesus lost his position of king mainly because of what id said about my theory of why he had said why have you forsaken me. now the critical thing about this is that the people of that heaven take the prophets word seriously and i was and still is the numbered prophet at the time and this time. and the reason for jesus losing his position was straightforward. no one forsaked him a contract was a a contract and Lucifer quite clearly saw that in order for the power of his death to be symbolical and piviotal for the matrix of the universe and for society of today, Jesus had to die in order for him to be glorified and for christianity to be the main law that has civilised us to this date and im not about to break how it did down. and since Lucifer was his god in 1468 around the time Jesus had died he knew this he knew he wasnt supposed to save him that day otherwise people wouldnt believe Jesus existed in the first place.

Moving on the day after I was feeling in my zone knowing these guys were watching over me and during the night time i was walking with my dog which I call eL and i didn't even know that Lucifer, Moses and Jesus where in me at the time and the only thing i had in my mainframe was symbolism and i was chasing away spirits with it so comes to the point whereby im near the carwash of my hood and i smoke a ciggerette and the contracts pull through Lucifer coded out the smoke but they showed, moses symbol and jesuses 3 in one symbol and lucifers symbol which i thought was mine but was his. being me i thought to myself what does this mean and so i dont know how i drew conclusion cause i was caught in two minds one was that are these guys telling me im them two are they telling me they want to work in me. so at that very same moment id asked the dog for advice he literally turned his head to the left and said Lucifer. but what you have to understand is that i had to make a decision, so i evaluated i thought to myself Moses would be good cause i beleive in alot of kemetic stuff and quite frankly it would fit like a glove, then Jesus i honestly thought how am i gonna relate to this guy becuase he was so perfect and quite frankly having hm work in me would be unrealistic for me, based on my own nature, finally Lucifer was the option i went for becuase the only thing i knew at that moment was the fact that he is god of the people and has mastered understanding people nature so I chose him and things changed.

#tobecontinued

#lucifer morningstar #Jesus #Moses #religion #life

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zaachknight · 1 year

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hey! I'm will and I post chaotically about itgo almost daily as this book has been my hyperfixation for the last 2 years so if you like chaos and silly little queer boyband hcs ur in the right place

everything I like will show up as my main @vaampiricdecay but I think I should mention that I reblog shit on my other blogs by accident sometimes :') anyways here they are so yall know it's me :p

I also write fics! they can be found on ao3 as user zaachknight which is my acc there exclusively for itgo fics!

I also do fanart and post it when I can which.... isn't very often cause I'm a full time college student studying art and design that's approaching grading as I write this (april 2024) all of my fanart is under the #itgo fanart tag!!!

sometimes I might post about my current wip : lovesick, that I've been working on since 2019....and am still planning it. a lot of planning goes into projects lol

anyways if you like chaos and silly things then feel free to follow :3

#if this gets out #itgo #zaachknight

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trainsinanime · 1 year

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3 & 12?

From this list

3. What’s your favorite fic that you’ve written?

I keep coming back to The Haunting Spectre. Is it my best? Probably not. But I love the weird energy I was able to put into it. And, fun fact: When I started writing fanfic again back in 2019, because of my interest in Miraculous Ladybug, this was really the first one I started planning and working on. I published others first, but in my heart, this is always my "true" first ML fanfic.

12. Do you have a playlist for your current WIP(s)? Share it!

Sadly not. I've mostly stopped listening to music except for car rides these days, and instead listen to podcasts, because it turns out having someone drown out my own weird thoughts is better for my mental health (I really should look into this "therapist" thing that people keep mentioning). I am currently in the middle of re-listening to the Penn Central Trilogy from Well There's Your Problem, but that's not really applicable to fanfic.

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scrawnytreedemon · 2 years

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Tag 9 People You Want To Get To Know Better

Massive thanks to @feartheoldblog for tagging me! It's taken a few days, but I've finally gotten around to participating :}

Three Ships: GOD, must I choose??? Right, let's crack it up.

- Godrick x Ghirahim (Ghirdick???? Godrihim??? 👁❔❔❔). It's a fucking travesty, I love it, and I can't thank @just-another-tokyo-ghoul-fan for bringing the dynamic to my attention. THANK Y O U <33

- Zant x Genesis. I've had them mentally married for over a year at this point now, and you fuckers better watch out for my hacknied envy-themeing-based explanation! Just you fucking wait! I have cross-ships you fools couldn't even DREAM of!

- I'm going to go "classic" and pick out Dark Link x Ravio: Crackfic Edition for old times' sake. I still need to get back into the funk of writing those-- God, it was so much fun, and I just HAD to ruin my streak back in 2019 by introducing PLOT 😡😡🗯 What a fool I am!

Rest assured, my beloved onlookers, there are many more. I have not even mentioned Sephiroth x The Hollow Knight, Barret x Sephiroth, or Micolash x The Plain Doll.

Watch your back.

First Ever Ship: Lmao, probably Zelink. Does selfshipping myself with Bowser when I was six out of a sense of pity count, perchance?

Last Song: "Toes" - Glass Animals (just gotten into them like, last week. Currently have three songs on my repeat-rotation, which is a massive achievement tbh! Love their vibes :} )

Last Movie: Antman and Wasp-- Unfinished. Was on a catchup with my friends to get me to Endgame, as, prior to this my streak was broken at Infinity War.

Marvel isn't great, by any means (EXCEPT Wakanda Forever genuinely good on all fronts very pleasantly surprised VERY MUCH LOOK FORWARD TO WHAT HAPPENS NEXT--), but I'm feeling nostalgic, lol.

Currently Reading: Halfway through ASOIAF A Storm of Swords: Part 2. Currently chickened out because I'm scared for the wellbeing of a certain handful of characters 😭 Very good books, very addictive, if more than a tad brutal (putting it lightly, snkkk).

Currently Watching: Youtube, lmao. Should probably get around to finishing the rest of that 16-hour Elden Ring Longplay for my fic.

Currently Consuming: Just finished an open-faced egg relish sandwich :} (homemade; very mustardy <3)

Currently Craving: Chinese fast-food, if I must pick one 😩 ilysmm bbgygrl mentally chewing ur noodles like cats do their little food-chunks.

Tagging (if you please~): @just-another-tokyo-ghoul-fan, @legendofmarshie, @katyahina, @lucindria, @crisiskuraudo, @breath-of-the-twink, @mrslittletall, @theblindhakune, @no-braincells-inc

💖

#scrawny rambles #tag game #lmaoooo tysm for tagging me #I'VE TAKEN MY TIME BUT HERE I AM #also fucking apologies if like. none of the tags Work.#tumblr is Dumb we all know this i have tried the clicking thing i don't know what good it'll do #🙏🙏🙏

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an-aura-about-you · 1 year

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i just saw your tags please tell me more about red white and royal blue

OKAY SO

Red White & Royal Blue is a queer romance novel by Casey McQuiston. It is the story of Alex, the 21 year old son of the President of the United States, and his enemies to lovers bromance turned romance with Prince Henry, the grandson of the current Queen of England.

And that bit of it is honestly mostly fine to me! I like that Alex is kind of a dumb boy baby bi who didn't realize the gay shit he got up to with his best friend was, indeed, gay shit. I like the part when Henry's older sister Bea tells Alex about how their father died when Henry was relatively young and how that grief just shoots down to the bottom of your soul, deeper than you thought yourself capable of feeling, and now when terrible things happen you automatically plummet to that same emotional low. I like the stuff going on with Rafael and how he was willing to tank his reputation in order to take down his potential abuser.

But hooooooooly shit the alternate reality this book exists in is so distracting.

First thing I should cover is that Alex's presidential parent is his mother Ellen Claremont, the first woman president elected in 2016.

Yes.

Claremont's reelection campaign in 2020 is a prominent part of the book, and Alex's secret romance with Henry is exposed by her Republican opponent via Alex and Henry's private emails.

*clicks tongue* Yeah.

Also, a lot of this does end up going down in 2019 and 2020, with not even a hint of pandemic, which, fair, I'll accept that. But it does feel really weird in the face of this other stuff.

And across the pond, Henry has to deal with his family finding out he's gay, specifically him coming out to his older brother Phillip and their grandmother Queen Mary. All of this feels so very weird to type out. The Queen and Phillip do not take it well at all, and at one point Henry does indeed threaten to abdicate, at least privately to Alex.

Soooooooo.

And this one's admittedly nitpicky, but Harry Potter references? Really? We do not need those, do we? Especially when you're indicating that you have people you care about that are indeed trans? (I've pulled up the Wikipedia article and have been informed that these references are removed from a later edition. On top of that, the author is nonbinary, so I imagine this might have been done not just because of readers commenting on it but them regretting writing in those references in the first place.)

And you know what, I don't know how much I've listed there is the problematic shit. Frankly, I sometimes have blinders on for this. I did not get involved in any of that "It's Totally Normal To Practice Kissing With Your Friends" shit, so idk how much of that is made up by media and how much of that really happens under the veil of wanting to actually kiss those of the same perceived gender. And since a lot of the stuff I read in this genre tends to be fanfiction (because I personally prefer having my blorbos at the ready to play Barbies with), I have no idea if the sex scenes are typical for this type of book compared to the wild-ass shit I read on the regular.

There's also the issue of Alex's race, which I am in no way qualified to talk about in depth but does merit mention: Alex is the child of an interracial marriage. His mother is white and his father is Latino. He is referred to as Alex, Alexander, Alejandro, Claremont (his mother's surname), and Diaz (his father's surname). The narration makes it clear that he is not perceived as white passing, that he is obviously Latino. And I have no idea what that might stir up. I didn't notice anything that made any alarm bells ring for me, but I am very white.

Overall, I was glad I listened to it. It hit the nice little niche it was aiming for, and I think there should be more stuff like it. But maybe put it in a universe not quite so close to ours like that.

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bustyasianbeautiespod · 1 year

Text

Episode 0 Transcript: Meet Your Hosts!

[Garageband Good Omens theme song plays]

C: Hello! My name is Crystal.

G: And my name is Grey.

C: And this is Rubbish and Probably a Podcast, a Good Omens commentary podcast where I, someone who has seen this show too many times...

G: And I, someone who only knows this show through Crystal, discuss every episode of Good Omens.

C: As mentioned, we are Crystal and Grey. You may know us from our other podcast, Busty Asian Beauties: A Supernatural Commentary Podcast -

G: Yes.

C: - which we are now ditching [both laugh] for the greener pastures of this.

G: - of Good Omens. Yas.

C: Yeah. So, of the two of us, I am the Good Omens watcher. I watched Season 1 a little bit after it dropped. I'd seen it on Tumblr a bit, didn't really have any particular interest, and then one day, my best friend/ex-fiancee was like, "Hey. This is a show that I think will interest you very strongly. You should come over and we should watch all of it in one sitting until, like, 2AM," and I was like, "Yeah. That sounds good." And now I'm crazy. So [G laughs] that's my life.

G: Yeah.

C: So after watching Season 1, I read the book - sorry that I was not a book fan first - and after that, I have since read the shitty movie script written in like, the 1990s that never got developed and listened to the radio show and the newer audiobook with Tennant and Sheen in the cast. So that's my history. And, of course, I have watched Season 2.

G: Yes.

C: I guess that the important things for a Good Omens fan to know about my current takes are that I don't like Neil Gaiman, but I feel like a lot of the people who don't like Neil Gaiman also hate ace people, so I am not one of those people. [both laugh] And I think I really like reading aromantic and asexual takes on Crowley and Aziraphale, but that is not how I read them primarily, so if that is something that you are looking for, shan't be here.

Grey, how did you hear about Good Omens?

G: Well, I know about Good Omens in the way that, you know, you just know about things, I guess. I didn't know anything about it. [C laughs] I didn't know what it was about, I didn't know- I didn't even know it was a show from 2019. I thought it was aired the same time that, like, maybe Hannibal was airing. So like, 2013.

C: [laughs] Really?

G: Yeah, I thought it was like an older show in that way. So the first time I learned about what Good Omens is roughly about is- well, first I want to introduce myself, I guess. I am Filipino, I am queer and Catholic and those are things about me that are not necessarily in conflict, they're just, you know, that's just how it is-

C: And that's why you were drawn as Aziraphale on our cover. [G laughs]G: No, exactly. I studied in Catholic school, and one time, a bunch of brothers went to our school to do a "Hey, this is what we do. This is who we are." They did a house tour and everything. It was fun. And towards the end of it, they asked the student body, "Oh, do you have any questions for us brothers for our order?" And one of students asked, "Hey, brother, there's this really good TV show called Good Omens, [C laughs]and it's a little bit about religion. Have you guys watched it?" And the brothers went, "Yeah, we watched it! [C laughs] We actually do really like it a lot." So [both laughing] I literally learned that day that Good Omens is roughly a Catholic show. And then Crystal started going crazy insane when Season 2 dropped.

C: Yeah.

G: And I learned a little bit more about it!

C: You sure did.

G: I sure did. I mean, not a lot, though. I didn't learn a lot. It's just-

C: Yeah, what you mostly heard was me screaming and crying and saying things that didn't mean anything.

G: Yeah.

C: And also complaining about clunky writing choices, so.

Yeah, okay, so our format, we're gonna go through episode by episode, brief plot summary, then dig deeper into the scenes and themes that we care about per episode. And-

G: If you're familiar with us through BABPod, it's gonna be a little bit of a different format, but I think the vibes are still there, so, heyyy, listen to us, I guess.

C: Yeah! [both laugh] Especially because we are taking a three-month break to only do this! [G laughs]

G: Exactly.

C: This is your only source of Crystal and Grey for three months.

G: Yes.

C: And I guess the last thing to talk about is our title, Rubbish and Probably a Podcast. Book fans may note that this comes from a scene in the book where a child at Warlock's birthday party tells Aziraphale-

G: Oh my god!

C: - "He's right, you know. You are rubbish. And probably a faggot." [laughing] Which is-

G: Jesus Christ.

C: - definitely a line that exists in the world. It's very important to me, both just in like a "Wow. They sure did think homophobia was funny when they wrote the book, didn't they?" way and also as like, the first moment in the book that really explicitly links these characters to queerness. So, I don't know. That's our title-

G: Yeah.

C: - so that we can think about both of those things in tandem.

G: Yeah. Because we are, in fact-

C: - rubbish and probably a faggot. [both laughing] It's true of both of us. Alright.

G: Well, okay.

C: Listen to us, please?

G: Listen to us!

C: Oh, and also, our socials! Our socials, you will still find us through our main podcast's socials.

G: Yep.

C: So we are Tumblr at bustyasianbeautiespod.tumblr.com.

G: Don't follow us on Twitter.

C: Our email is [email protected]. We technically have a Twitter, but no we don't [G laughs], and we also have a Ko-Fi at ko-fi.com/bustyasianbeautiespod.

G: We also, by the way, have transcripts available in the Tumblr account, bustyasianbeautiespod.

C: Anyway, listen to us, please? Thanks.

G: Yeah! Thanks. Byeee!

C: I'm so excited.

[theme song]

#transcript

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endlesstwanted · 2 years

Text

Hello internet!

This is Chase (endlesstwanted), and I thought I should start this blog with an introduction. I haven’t kept a blog in over a decade, so please bear with me while I figure out how all of this works. The essential info about me will be above the cut, because I’m an oversharer and I don’t know how long this will enventually be.

As I said, my name is Chase, I’m over 21 years old and currently studying a vocational course which I have no vocation for. I’m in the CET time zone, based in Spain, and I like to think I’m bilingual even if my brain can’t keep up with Spanish half of the time (most of the content here will be in English). I am a non-binary trans, which influences how I view things and a friend said it would be good to mention. I’m also bisexual, which is a great excuse to be multishipper too. My sun sign is taurus, and my moon and rising signs are virgo.

My main interests are writing, languages and travelling (been all over Spain). I enjoy puzzles, funko pops, cinema, series and music. I’m not active in fandoms outside of Marvel, even though I like a lot of other media. For starters, I plan to use this blog for bingo stuff and to share what I write and post on Ao3.

Moving now onto the fandom talk, I entered the fandom world at eight years old with pop music. I then moved to tv shows when I watched Broadchurch and discovered Teen Wolf, to later follow punk rock bands and being introduced to concerts. I began being interested in cinema at the age of eighteen and eventually found Marvel a few years back.

I’m familiar with the MCU and X-Men films, and am slowly trying to find my way into the comics. I’m a multi-shipper (the rarest the pairs, the more interests I will get) and willing to read and write anyone I’m comfortable with.

That’s said, my favourite characters would have to be Bruce, Sam, Natasha, Clint and Bucky. I am fixated on others like Scott Summers, Sprite, the Peters (Maximoff, Parker, Quill, you name it), the Grandmaster, Justin Hammer and Remy Lebau (I’m into those who have no more than five scenes, as you see). My favourite projects (that I’ve watched so far) are The Amazing Spider-Man films, The Incredible Hulk, Wakanda Forever, Infinity War, Black Widow, Eternals, X-men Apocalypse and the Hawkeye series.

As I said I plan to keep this blog to share my writing and Bingo-related information. In case things go out of hand, please remember that my previous experience has been ten years on twitter, I feel in need of mentioning the other media I am fan of. This is a warning in case one day I wake up willing to fill my page with that, which you know, can happen.

I like a variety of cinema genres, going from thriller to comedy, even though I enjoy dramas the most and I’m a huge fan of Spanish cinema as well. The films I need to mention now are the ones that really got me into this world and hold a special place in my heart : the Scream saga, The Faculty, Deux Moi (French drama from 2019), Clue (1985), Marrowbone, Coherence, The Broken Circle breakdown, The Birds, and Breakfast at Tiffany's.

Talking about series now, everything has been non-stop since discovering Teen Wolf until now, with a few years gap I used to go to concerts and consume the MCU an embarrassing amount of times. The ones that have shaped me as a person are The Night Shift, Leverage, The Society, Sneaky Pete, Stitchers, On My Block, Code Black, Hunters and New Amsterdam. I’m currently watching the Chicago-verse series after watching a bunch of episodes on tv with no idea of what was going on because they played eight a night, I’ve just started Chicago Med.

As far as music goes, I thought to mention the people that have literally raised and/or been an inspiration for me at some point: 5sos, Demi Lovato, Taylor Swift, Sam Smith and Chase Atlantic.

The list goes on and on but you don’t want me to bore you with the Spanish’s pop artists, music contests, and all the things I said I’ve recovered from and I haven’t.

If you’ve got to this point, thank you! I know I walk (write) a lot, so it’s good to know someone listening. Other sites I’m on are Ao3, TvTime, Letterboxd, NanoWriMo and Spotify.

Here you have a picture of Wanda, that is my latest addition on my funko collection ♥️ (do people use emojis in here?)

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jesterthebestsir · 4 months

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Hello dearest jester i have returned ! :3

Through stalking all your posts, i have found another element of your existence which i resonate with! I am currently in the exact same predicament with you with the age difference and everything haaa to me it seems we live very similar lives !

I hope you have the jolliest and loveliest of days!

Welcome home, Anon! (This post is gonna be long and you'd probably won't read too much of it lol)

TL;DR: Figure out WHY you like them. Did they do something for you? Did they show up at just the right time? Why do they mean so much to you? I've calmed down with my obsession for her over the last few weeks and I think that's because I sorta broke down why I'm in love with her (in no particular order):

She represents a better time:

I met her in 2019 and when I was 11-12 over Amino, at the time, I was seen as the golden standard; good grades, good attitude, paid attention in class, and quiet. I had everything together and more! Then 2020 hit and messed all that up, but I still had her. If the guilt of not doing my school work didn't keep me from talking to my friends then I'm sure I would've texted her from the moment I got up to the moment I went to sleep. She was a constant in a moment in my life where everything wasn't.

Now, I can't focus like I did back then. School (as I'm sure you've seen from my other posts) is a drag to me, I can barely go an hour without my mind heading off into space and miss whatever the teacher was saying. Whenever I go through something mildly stressful my first thought is, "I should text her :D!!". She is a big comfort for me and represents my golden years of ignorance, naievity, and a stagnant and monotonous, but desirable life.

First Crush:

This was my first proper crush; I had butterflies in the stomach, anxious but excited for her text (but I didn't want to text first because I didn't want to seem desperate), and would not stop talking about our conversations to my friends. Before all this, if someone asked if I had a crush I would point to the nearest person, but this was real. My heart was racing for someone! I couldn't get her out of my head and with my friend drawing shipart of us, all of my feelings felt so RIGHT. Not to mention that she did say,"I love you" (through roleplay). I felt like I was in a romcom with how I was acting.

Amount of time I spent with her:

All of it was through text, but typing takes time and that's time I could've spent anywhere else... don't you think I'm owed something? I felt somewhat entitled to her affection due to how much time I put into our relationship, I was staying up to 4am texting her, often falling asleep during our long roleplay sessions because I was so tired! All of the time I sank into you and I can't do that anymore because of a little (PROBLEMATIC and AWFUL, I KNOW THAT THIS IS BAD) age gap?

I thought I was mature for my age:

I was told I was mature and well-behaved for my age by many adults. So, if I'm so mature, then I can handle mature relationships, right? Age is just a number when your minds are so in sync! (FALSE!!!! I WASN'T MATURE, I WAS STUPID)

I thought she wasn't mature for her age + She's stagnant:

I'M NOT CALLING HER STUPID, I SWEAR

The way she talked to me back then and how she talks in her TikToks and writes now is roughly the same; she's still the silly, inexperienced, and slightly edgy girl I knew from back then. I've grown up and she stayed the same, so even if I'm not as mature as I seem, neither is she. It balances out, right? (WRONG!!!! I HAVEN'T TALKED TO HER IN YEARS + I DON'T KNOW HER LIKE THAT ANYMORE) Breaking down what made her so special to me, why I adore her, and realizing that I don't love her in the way I want to love her is what's helping me move on from her.

also posting most of my feeling on here helped

also getting a AWESOME hyperfixation

#jestertalks #“new” anon #long post #this took me way too long to write #it took like an hour #i ain't proofreading this i got stuff to do!!!!#i gotta highlight all the “her's” and even then I probably missed some lol

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nycrollasintreatment · 1 year

Text

3/20/2019 (1)

At first I had no intentions on contacting you. The only reason I am is because I'm following Dr. Beth's advice. She told me not to go to far into the darkness. It wouldn't be far fetched for me to go to Queens Hospital Center and say "It wouldn't be too far fetched to talk myself into self harm."

There's a lot I can say about my trip to Venture House. One thing I will say is it was important for me to be around people. Luckily it was a night they were open late.

Currently it's 2:19 a.m. and I'm not remotely tired. I think the best place for me to start was that audio recording. Looking back I regret not being in the room. It talked about mistakes and learning from them. It was my way of telling you I was aware of what you would soon bring to my attention. Even though you listened, it's safe to say the focus wasn't going to be on that. I outlined the core of why I'm in therapy.

Once I was done with what I came to say, a transformation took place. My memory isn't the best but I remember you being turned towards the side a majority of the time. Once you said you wanted to talk to me about transference, you didn't have to be an expert in psychology to pick up on the transformation. The only real comparison I could think of is gang stalking. It's really hard to make that comparison because gang stalkers consciously know what they are doing. Because of my paper trail it wouldn't be difficult for me to remember everything that led up to this point.

After making my way home, the first thing I did was make posts to social media. A change of heart has led me to take them down. They were starting to get dark. One of them dealt with a theme of only being capable of making women hate me. After this fiasco it feels like I have it in me to put a gun in a woman's hands and make her pull the trigger. In many ways the last thing I said wasn't a joke. Steve Brody wants to kill himself because hate is the only thing that seems real.

I have a good reason to be suicidal. In one of the tweets I mentioned taking on the theme to Say Anything. You're well aware of the times I knew I fucked up. It may have been a change in facial expression or something you said. What's scary is you're normally a nice person.

In another tweet I said if the tables were turned, not only would it have been our last session, I would've went for the jugular and took away any reason you had left to live. I actually stared at the train tracks reminding myself this wasn't the worst case scenario.

The thought of putting a belt to the door has crossed my mind. God know I can talk my way into a noose right now. I told myself I can't do that. There are a lot of ways that I fucked up. It's difficult to look at some of the positives. Your body language pointed to me being a piece of shit. She probably assumed that I crossed that line. Truthfully it would've made me more suicidal.

I really didn't want to write to you in fear that I'd say something that would make you want to cancel the appointment. I'm ambivalent about there being one more appointment, but I'm convinced that it should be our last one. It really isn't about the emphasis you put on transference. It's more about what you bought up at the tail end. I've been struggling for quite some time to find my place in the real world. You were right about therapy being a professional setting. One thing that's keeping me from making a trip to the E.R. is I've already got the ball rolling in terms of finding a replacement. Ultimately my goal is not to repeat the same mistake. I'm guessing my best bet is a male therapist that's on the more liberal side.

As much as I talk about suicide, it feels like one thing that would draw me one step closer is making a list of all the things I've said. After what happened in Australia I took steps in the right direction. I followed your advice of getting back on the horse after the holiday season. Before this hit the fan I was fixated on what happened between me and Alex in College Point. As bad as I feel now, there's a little comfort in knowing that I'm not on Michael Jackson's level of sick.

I've been to at least two S.A.A. meetings. After sharing you this truth I'll begin to wrap things up. As fucked up as I feel, what I'm telling you the God's honest truth. My agenda during our last meeting was to quit beating a dead horse and dive into some sensitive issues. I told you about a trigger word that left me "bound and broken on the floor". It relates to why stopped going to S.A.A. after two meetings. It feels like one of the best things I can do is go back.

During the official meeting sharing time is limited. At some point I'd like to share with the circle the hole I'm in right now. There was a natural high I was riding. The bottom line is I wanted to tell you everything. It wasn't really the words you used, it was your body language that really put a chill down my spine. This would be the point where I share on social media scenes of seppuku and Hari Kari.

I've written quite a lot. Before allowing myself to take a step back, I'd like to say one last thing. It would've been one thing to tell you hurtful things with the intention of hurting. I never wanted to hurt you with words. I imagine that you have nothing but hate for me because I liked you. That's the part that's always going to haunt me. In the end of The Butterfly Effect there's a scene where a boy says something hurtful to a girl. The girl runs away crying but it's evident that he did it intentionally so she'll be out of his life. It'll spare her from tragedy later. Now would be a good time to have those powers. God knows there's some dirt in everyone's consciousness.

I went from refusing to send an e-mail to finding some way to allow myself to sleep. In closing you can take my advice. Don't respond to my e-mail. Have someone call to say my appointment has been cancelled. That'll put more of an emphasis on the memory of the last time we saw each other...

Hey Chris. I hope you will read this despite your request not to respond.

I am sorry for the way our last session made you feel. I have no negative feelings towards you at all and genuinely feel our conversation was in the best interest of the treatment. Some things that were said/written cannot be unsaid but I do not feel anything was done with malicious intent. I do agree that we should not continue treatment, however, I do not want this to end with bad feelings. I sincerely wish you all the best and hope that the next part of your journey is an amazing one. I am attaching referrals for some male therapists that I found online and hope that you will have a great experience with someone new.

Please confirm that you got this message and are doing okay.

All the best

Gabi

3/20/2019 (2)

There was a specific moment when I knew it was game over. After sensing it when you mentioned "getting past the transference" I went home and googled the darkest songs. One of the songs I discovered for the first time was Mr. Crowley by Ozzy Osbourne. Under normal circumstances I would've steered clear from anything related to Alister Crowley. Even though I was impressed with the song on a melodic level, my instincts still told me to stop playing it. There had to be a driving force to get me through it. The writing was on the wall. This meant that I needed a new soundtrack. My week was mostly spent finding new song on the Music Choice Metal channel. The part of me that wanted to live knew not to play that noise in a state of shellshock...

Glad to hear you are trying to change the music. You are the pilot of your own life and no one from the outside can change that. Choose to keep fighting and try not to look back at your time here through a negative lens. Please let me know if you need any help finding a new therapist or if there is anything else I can do.

3/25/2019

Hey Chris. Seems like you've been thinking about this a lot. Best advice I can give you is to put this behind you without negativity or regret. Again, no bad feelings on this end, just do not think this is the best fit for you. I'm glad to hear you have been reaching out to others for support.

These were the names of therapists I had sent you in an attachment earlier. It says online that they take medicare but I guess call and ask. If you go on psychology today you can search by zip code and find a convenient location.

(this e-mail ends with therapist referrals)

3/26/2019

The real reason why I internalized it is I was brutally honest both online and off. You finally saw me for who I really am and your reaction scared the shit out of me.

I actually opened up this e-mail app to share with you a video that's helping me through this recovery phase.

https://youtu.be/5rOiW_xY-kc

ZocDoc was the only resource I knew of to find a medical professional. Thanks for letting me know about Psychology Today.

After going to my third S.A.A. meeting, someone offered me a ride home. After filling him in on what bought me there, he said "You didn't go there for that!". I told him that it didn't happen right away.

If I'm gonna be brutally honest, the hot seat I found myself in can be compared to proposal fails on YouTube. I was living in a bubble, but I was happy. I thought beer and blunts at Friday Night Skate could fill that void but it didn't.

That guy was right. There came a point where I saw you as more than a therapist. The ringing of the division bell had begun.

That test you gave me didn't completely register at that moment. When it did sink in I found myself guilty as charged...

(therapist referrals)

3/27/2019

I just want to make sure of the understanding that I won't be seeing you today. I don't want you to make the trip for nothing. Please let me know that you have things in motion with another therapist.

All the best

Gabi

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bananalunch · 2 years

Text

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taeescript · 3 years

Text

29+1 (Part One)

𝔰𝔶𝔫𝔬𝔭𝔰𝔦𝔰: In which Seokjin is the Devil from The Devil Wears Prada, Taehyung is your work Jesus and Jimin is your handsome successful brother.

𝔭𝔞𝔦𝔯𝔦𝔫𝔤𝔰: seokjin x reader (taehyung x reader if you squint real hard)

𝔤𝔢𝔫𝔯𝔢: slice of life; ceo!seokjin (diva!seokjin)

𝔴𝔠: 3.6k

𝔴𝔞𝔯𝔫𝔦𝔫𝔤𝔰: heavy use of alcohol as a coping mechanism, a plethora of sarcasm (please don’t be offended) and a sprinkle of softness (is that a warning?).

𝔞/𝔫: this sat in my unwritten folder since 2017 no lie. I wrote the premise and a singular paragraph at that time, then just gave up. I opened it a few days ago, got inspired again and this word vomit came out (heavily influenced by a midnight Zoom call with my friends). Ngl this was so much fun to write, and I hope you all enjoy it as much as I did. This will probably be in three parts. 𝔡𝔦𝔰𝔠𝔩𝔞𝔦𝔪𝔢𝔯: I did not know that DailyHive is an actual online news source when writing. This work is purely fictional and has absolutely nothing to do with the real DailyHive.

part two

Your friends have a saying: After 29, nobody shares their age until they’ve accomplished something.

In the past, you didn’t understand it. What’s so bad about saying you’re 30 or you’re 32? That’s still a young age! Sure, you’re not exactly in your prime anymore but you’re not old, right?

So, you continue in your own wondrous world of naïveté until that fateful day at your class reunion. You had simply been walking around, minding your own business when you had been stopped by an old colleague.

“Hey, Y/N, right?” she waves you down.

You smile kindly, not even bothering to try and remember her name (you sucked at names, what could you say).

“Hey…you!” you chuckle lightly, “How have you been doing?”

An everyday question leading to catastrophic effects.

“Oh you know,” she says and rolls her eyes as if you truly did know, “I’ve just been out and about. Did I tell you though? I got married last year!” She holds out her hand in which a giant diamond adorns her finger. “Wow!” you gasp, feigning interest. It’s not that you aren’t happy for her, but you are reminded of just how single you are currently. When was the last time you felt another human’s touch? Does kissing come back as easily as riding a bicycle? “Hey!” she says suddenly, “I’m actually meeting with a couple of friends from our class. You should come join! I’m sure they’d be happy to see you again!” You want to wave her off, but against your better judgment, you find yourself following in her footsteps and listening to her speak about wedding venues and honeymoon destinations.

“Oh my god!” another female voice filters in.

The “couple of friends” this old classmate had mentioned is in fact a fairly impressive size of twenty. This is also the third time the wedding announcement has been made.

“Last year?” the female continues, “Weren’t you young?”

Yes, you want to respond. Yes she was young. A full 365 days younger than she is now.

Your classmate, Sooyoung (or Kiko as she insists going by now) titters in front of you. “I mean, you can sort of say I’m a late bloomer. I got married when I was 31.”

Her words unintentionally cut into you. Here you are at 29 without a beau in sight. You take a fast swig of your beer and end up hitting the empty glass with a clink to your teeth. Nobody notices.

“Enough about me, however, how about you?”

“I started my own business actually. It’s been doing really well and it’s been a crazy mind. Imagine me, my own boss at only 33!”

You nervously join them when they suddenly laugh together.

“Hi, can I get another pint please? Actually add a tequila shot to that,” you whisper the last part to the waitress you had just stopped.

And that was how the rest of the night went. People asking one another what they had accomplished. Any moment in time after 30 would not be mentioned until somebody travelled to Uganda to build houses at 31 or another gave birth at the same age. Below 30, anything would be attributed to luck or in your case…

“What are you doing currently?” somebody asks you, “The little baby of our class.”

Swallowing your third tequila shot of the night, you wonder for the umpteenth time how you had become a part of this giant sharing circle. You wonder if it’s a blessing or a curse that you had graduated a little early and thus was younger than most of your peers.

“Well,” you start, “I’m currently working at DailyHive.”

“Ohh!” a man gushes. You recognize him as the once-upon-a-time science partner you used to cheat notes off of. “I use DailyHive nearly as much as Instagram these days. You guys cover everything from news to sports to fashion.”

You shrug. “Yeah. It’s, uh… it’s a pretty big company!”

“What are you doing there?”

Kiko-ex-Sooyoung hits the man teasingly on the shoulder. “Y/N is probably the Director of Marketing or something. Remember how she used to spend all class doodling in her notebook?”

“Or sleeping!” someone quips.

You don’t join in when they all laugh.

“I’m…an intern,” you say with as much pride as you can in a group of established professionals ranging from dermatologists to that one guy who had flown around the world as a TedTalk guest speaker.

A hushed silence befalls everyone.

“That’s…cool!” the same man encourages you, “Interns are totally rad! Everyone wants an intern spot these days.”

His girlfriend pats your arm, almost empathetically. “Yeah. I know a bunch of people who first start off as interns and then they shoot up the ladder quick enough. As long as you’re no longer an intern at 30, you’re golden!”

Once again, the entire group laughs as if she has said the most hilarious of jokes.

She composes herself and says to you, “Because after that, you should have accomplished something.”

Her words still ring in your ears as you sit at your desk this morning.

Yeah…something. All you need to do is accomplish something in the next three months before you are officially, 29 + 1.

Your fingers tap against your thighs silently while you observe the current debate that is occurring in the conference room. You barely have time to sweep the falling hair back behind your ear as your fingers ferociously fly across the keyboard to keep in track with the meeting.

Fei is arguing that the implement of a new search word system would boost users while Daniel says that it is a waste of resources. Instead, everything should be put into updating the entire system as a whole. You have long since lost track of their words as neither pertain to what you do as an intern.

“Enough,” the CEO of DailyHive holds up a hand. His one word causes the entire room to hush over – truly, the words of a god.

And that might as well be what he is. With his hair swept back and a lone tendril curling perfectly above his brow, Kim Seokjin is legitimately a walking god. Off his broad shoulders hang an expensive white linen suit bought with his pocket change and your yearly salary. A pair of sunglasses hangs in the V of the collared shirt dipping low enough to blur the lines between being fashionably professional and just downright sexy.

The snap of his fingers brings you back to the present.

He dramatically rolls his eyes and accepts that you are an incompetent minute-taker.

“I have to remember that the world just doesn’t move as fast as I do.”

- Quote: Rolling Stones 2019 Kim Seokjin.

Now if only he’d remember he had once said that.

He points at each of them with one finger, then swipes to the left. “Both of you, solve this outside. I don’t want to hear your voices any longer. You two from the marketing team, Ungroomed Stache and Acne Chin, create me a report if we are to implement Ms. Song’s idea. The two of you from…” he takes a pause here clearly having forgotten who his employees are, “The two of you do the same thing but for Mr. Hwang.”

The pair from accounting open their mouth to protest that they are in charge of only numbers, but they are ignored.

“All of you out now. Except you,” he points his finger directly at you, “Stay.”

Nobody utters a single word until they have all left and you are left alone with him. Standing before him with your hands folded nicely in front of you, you blink and wait.

He stares right back at you, picks up his coffee mug and drops it. The clatter of ceramic smashing against the ground causes a pause in the loud buzz outside the room. You know everybody’s focus has been shifted into the room.

“Do you want to kill me?” he drawls.

You take a long inhale. “No,” you say.

“No?” he repeats the word, “Well I think you do. Did you check this coffee before you brought it to me? I tasted cinnamon in it. You know how I’m allergic to cinnamon. Get me a new cup. And this mess, get somebody to clean it. I don’t want the smell of coffee in this room when I have my next meeting here in twenty. I’m taking a smoke a break.”

He stands up and brushes past you without saying anything else.

Nobody can be allergic to cinnamon. Besides if he had actually tasted cinnamon and was that sensitive, he would be dead. And good riddance to that.

Of course, you say none of this and wordlessly begin to pick up the broken ceramic pieces of the dead mug. The bustling outside the meeting room has returned back to its normal state of chaos. Seeing the ugly stain of coffee on the once pristine carpet causes you to swear beneath your breath.

“Who the fuck is allergic to cinnamon?” a new voice says, sliding up beside you.

The second god in DailyHive; the much nicer and evidently preferred Kim; Taehyung takes the mug pieces from you and drops it into the garbage bin.

Blessed with not only intelligence but devilishly model-like features, he is your desk buddy in the small space allotted for interns and your sole friend in the company.

“Tae,” you sigh with exasperation upon seeing your lifesaver, “What am I going to do about this stain? He’s going to return in fifteen and there’s no way I can get a coffee stain out of this expensive-ass carpet.”

Taehyung taps a long finger to his lips, leaves the room briefly, and returns with a roll of Bounty sheets and a can of Febreze. He promptly blots as much of the coffee off from the carpet then proceeds to pull the meeting table.

“C’mon, Y/N, don’t just stand there. Help me! Time is of the essence!”

You laugh and join him in moving the table so that one of the legs cover the stain 80% of the way. Once he is satisfied, he takes the Febreze and sprays until the whole room smells like “Hawaiian Aloha”.

“You’re welcome.” He gives an extravagant bow, the motion popping open the top button of his shirt to expose a surprisingly chiseled chest.

Fei returns back into the room holding a phone to her ear and a clipboard in her left hand. “What the hell? It smells like a Bath & Body Works in here. Intern, aren’t you supposed to be filing or something? Stop standing around and be useful.” She grips Taehyung’s arm and drags him out of the room. “Button up. This is a professional workplace.”

You give him a tiny wave as Taehyung is steered away by his girlfriend and back to the cubicles.

Taehyung may be your saviour at work, but outside, it cannot be denied that your brother is the true Fountain of Life.

A week has passed since the coffee incident (you suspect a cleaning personnel had found the stain and cleaned up after your improv as aforementioned stain can no longer be found), but Jimin still brings it up.

“I still can’t believe that he said he was allergic to cinnamon. I’ve never heard of such bullshit before,” your brother says over the phone. You can practically hear his eyeroll from across the world.

As a renowned ophthalmologist, you have not seen Jimin for close to a year as he has been initiating his new clinic, a flying eye hospital.

“You should hear his Starbucks order. I always feel like I’m ready to launch my next EP whenever I’m at the counter,” you say.

Jimin laughs. There is the muffled sounds of voices as his never-ending flow of patients have arrived for the day.

“I shouldn’t keep you,” you say upon hearing that, “You’re probably really busy.”

“No,” he says, “I’ve got a few minutes if you’ve got a few. I miss talking to my baby sister.”

“I’m not a baby anymore, Jiminie,” you say using the nickname he hated.

“Oh that’s right. Your birthday’s in a little under three months, right? My baby sister is turning the big three-oh.”

“God, don’t remind me.”

“Want me to come visit you?”

You contemplate the idea once, having not seen Jimin in quite a while.

“Only if you have time. But I feel like Mom and Dad would probably want to see you more. Speaking of which, um… How are Mom and Dad?”

“They’re good. I hear Dad is finally going to retire this year. He’s giving his practice to Kibum, you remember him? Mom will probably start pestering us about what to do for his retirement party.”

There is a pause.

“You know, it wouldn’t hurt to say hi to them once in a while.”

You sigh. “And say what? Hey, it’s me. The child that ran away from home at 18? Yeah, I’m not a doctor like everybody else in the family but a 29 year old intern at a popular app company. Whassuuup?”

“Y/N, that’s not what I – ”

“It’s okay, Jimin. I’ve come to accept that not everybody is cut out to be a doctor. I just wish Mom and Dad could realize that.”

Jimin sighs on your behalf. There is the sound of a crying child coming through the earphone. “Well, your contract expires a few weeks after your birthday, right? Who knows, you might be the next Mark Zuckerberg.”

He has never explicitly inquired about your life plan and you know this is as much as he is willing to push without asking, “What’s next after this intern hiccup?” At least he had the decency to compare you to a controversial Internet entrepreneur.

The child is crying much louder now.

“Again with my birthday. But I’ll let you know,” is the only reply you can come up with at the moment. “Okay, brother, go forth and heal the blind. I bless thee in the name of the Holy Spirit, Son and Ghost.”

There is true laughter that rings from Jimin as he ends the call. “It’s Father, Son and Holy Ghost you dweeb. I love you sis.”

“You too.” You hang up first before he can add anything else.

With that, you enter into the 7am Starbucks queue and prepare yourself in running the first single of your long overdue EP.

Seokjin leans back in his chair, watching you from inside his office. Today he has chosen a black turtleneck and a brazen maroon-nearly purple suit jacket to complete the outfit. For once, there is an empty mug of coffee beside him and his morning headache has been appeased.

He knew he had given you an impossible task.

“Compile all the troubleshooting errors we have received since the launch of DailyHive. Organize it in a manner that allows me to identify the most prominent problem. Run it through whomever you please before giving it to me. I don’t need to waste my time correcting your mistakes.”

There is an amused smile that bubbles beneath his otherwise stoic features. He cannot deny that there is, might he dare say, a cute quality about you as you manually scan through the received concerns on your laptop dating back to the initial beta tests – the ones that were lost in a data crash and only backed up with unintelligible scribblings of previous interns.

The moment you had been introduced as the new intern, you had caught his eye. You are exquisitely mundane, and perhaps the reason you had even caught him the first time was due to solely to the fact that you were older than most interns – himself even. Nevertheless, you continue to present him small surprises in your tenacity and capability to tackle challenges.

“Mr. Kim.”

His intercom comes alive with the voice of his secretary.

Seokjin’s eyes do not leave you as he answers.

“Mr. Hwang is on line two. Would you like me to defer him to a later time if you are currently busy?”

Seokjin cannot help but sigh. Hwang Junho, his co-founder, while a genius in international business is also a notorious chatterbox and gossip. There is seldom a reason for Junho to call him except to relay the cover titles of E!Magazine.

“Did he mention a reason for calling?” Seokjin inquires.

His secretary seems to be reading from a note. “He says it’s to do with the company. Something he read from Cosmopolitan this morning.”

So not E! but another sister celebrity gossip blog. He checks his watch and duly notes that he certainly has no meetings scheduled until later in the afternoon where your report would be needed to run a preliminary analysis.

“Sir?”

“Yes, put him through. But tell him I’ve got only five minutes, so he’s better give me the Cliffnotes version,” Seokjin sighs again.

Before he can be connected, Seokjin quickly says, “What’s the name of that intern again?”

“Who?” his secretary asks, “We’ve hired four since the beginning of the year.”

“The one who keeps wanting to poison me.”

“I’m sorry, Sir?” she sounds concerned.

“The one who keeps forgetting that I despise cinnamon.”

There is no response.

“The older one. Spilled coffee a while ago but still has enough coordination to pull together a decent report.”

“Ah,” she says.

He waits patiently as she searches through the database, eventually giving him your name. He gives a slight pause and then says, “Good. Now patch me with Junho.”

There is a momentary buzz as the call becomes connected in which Seokjin turns over the syllables of your name wordlessly.

“Mr. Kim. The man of the hour. How are you, my brother?” Junho’s baritone fills the office in a manner of seconds.

Despite the little annoying quirks, Seokjin cannot help but smile when hearing the voice of his best friend.

“You’ve got three minutes, Junho.”

Junho grumbles. “That’s not my fault. You were the one still on the line with your secretary. Is it still Yerin? ‘Cuz I won’t blame you if that’s the case. Did I catch you doing some naughty phone sex during office hours?”

“Two.”

“Holy hell. Fine. It’s always business with you. That’s why the tabloids are always writing you as an uptight asshole.”

This shifts Seokjin’s attention to the phone. His name is seldomly mentioned except for the features in business columns. He prefers to stay out of the limelight.

“What?”

“Put your name on Google.”

Seokjin does as he is told.

There are millions of results, but the first few pages share the same headline. He clicks on the first one with a grimace.

“Kim Seokjin. Mr. Worldwide Handsome as noted by his fans, has recently sparked Internet outrage.”

A quick skim of the otherwise trashy article brought to the surface a summary: his last dating scandal had ended badly and the repercussions of blowing off a famous celebrity’s daughter had finally caught up with him. The Internet was calling him arrogant, narrow-minded, and even greedy. “The young Chief Executive Officer of booming social media app DailyHive has been accused of using his relationship with actress XYZ to further his own business. Once he gained recognition from aforementioned relationship, he has cold-heartedly cast her away to pursue his next.” “You’re calling me for this bullshit?” Seokjin scoffs. Junho tuts his tongue loudly. “This is not bullshit. It’s affecting the image of your company. Do you think people want to download and support an app that is run by somebody who is being called cruel and dishonest? You’ve got to address this soon before it gets out of control. You’re lucky I have alerts set for these type of things. I caught it for you just in the nick of time.” Seokjin inhales deeply. “You’re also lucky that I’ve got the perfect solution in mind.” “That is?” “The Silver Gala,” Junho references the prestigious event. The Silver Gala is hosted annually and attended by the largest celebrities as well as other wealthy investors and guests. Those in the social circle shared between Seokjin and Junho often yearned for tickets to attend events such as this, as they serve as excellent networking opportunities. Besides the above, such events are circled by reporters and writers of gossip columns to get the exclusive scoop on any eyebrow-raising rumours. “The solution lies in such an event,” Junho continues, “You know how many people will be there. All you’ve got to do is show up with your average girl-next-door type and it’ll show how you’re actually really humble and down to earth. Kim Seokjin is perfectly capable of dating like any regular human being. He doesn’t use “love” or whatever to further his business. Love is the connection between two souls; two individuals who – ” “Beep. Your time has run out Junho. I’ve got another meeting scheduled right this moment,” Seokjin interrupts. “Dude, seriously. Think about it. You could bring Yerin. Everbody loves a good CEO and his secretary affair. And if that’s too juicy for you, I can introduce you to some girls. Or maybe we could go back to our university days and hit a bar, y’know?” Junho tries his best to persuade. “Fuck!” you swear beneath your breath right as you walk into Kim Seokjin’s office. His door had been open and, in your excitement to show your completed report, you had dropped all the loose papers on the ground. Four hours of organization gone, just like that. You hope that at least Seokjin hasn’t heard or noticed you as he had been engrossed in his phone call. Seokjin had in fact noticed you. He can’t help himself but follow the curvature of your bare shoulder as your bangs escape the hold of your scrunchie and sweep across your skin. “Don’t worry, Junho, I’ve just thought about it,” he says with a smile.

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