#I see so many people heartbroken and saying how it’s now really just very rich people who can go to shows

[iwatcheditbegin]

I’m never gonna shut up about how much I miss the rep tour ticket system

[the-world-of-nai]

pick a sign; a message you need to hear right now✧.*

pile 1 -> pile 2 pile 3 -> pile 4

I RECOMMEND LISTENING TO THE SONG OF YOUR PILE BECAUSE THEY ARE REALLY SPOT ON THIS TIME AROUND!!

pile one

you have a strong energy. some of you could be in a situationship/friends w benefits, or entering one soon. you are someone who takes pride in their appearance. you could also be popular or have some level of fame. if that is not the current case, then it is coming in the near future. it's advised that you have more fun in life. dream more, think bigger, and have more fun. i see that you may have some mental fog right now because you overthink things quite a bit. you may feel like you are not smart, or do not make smart decisions. i advise you to get rid of this insecurity. go out and party with your friends. focus on your healing. focus on the dreams and hopes you had as a child. they will guide you.

zodiac: aquarius, leo

song: basics - twice

pile two

you are in a stable, self-focused energy. i see you have been building up your wealth. either your investments have paid off and you are now rich, or that is coming in the near future. it is advised that you do not make any sudden decisions at this time. resist the urge to be impulsive. take plenty of time to rest, relax, recharge and better understand your own emotions. emotional stability is highlighted here. i see this pile has been working on themselves. money is coming in like crazy. and what's more is a twin flame relationship. if you are already with someone, i see this person could be the one. if you are single, get ready for someone coming in very soon. continue to stay in this emotionally mature, self-nurturing energy and you will attract great things in your life!

zodiac: pisces, gemini

song: radio - lana del rey

pile three

wow.. the energy of this pile is heartbreaking. i am sorry for whatever it is that you are going through. i see some of you could be going through a breakup, conflict with loved ones, etc. lots of conflict here. i am seeing something about divorce, so some of you may be divorced or your parents have just been divorced. i see that you may be depressed, extremely sad and heartbroken. if that is the case, i am so sorry. you may be feeling stuck in life and like you do not know how to move forward. spirit is saying that the troubles in your life stem from those around you. they are causing you grief and anxiety. it is advised that you direct all of your energy into yourself, your career and creative hobbies. take advantage of this loneliness by becoming the person you always dreamed of being. keep the faith, keep your head held high. it may help you to delve deeper into spirituality at this time. this is just a bad chapter, things WILL get better so DO NOT GIVE UP!

zodiac: taurus, pisces, aquarius, leo

song: epiphany - bts

pile four

you may be in denial of something in your life right now. i see that you are the type of person who will lie to yourself about your current situation so that you can avoid making the necessary changes. you are either in a toxic relationship, or you are a toxic individual. toxic individual can mean many things, but in this case i am getting that you exhibit self destructive and toxic behaviors, yet you do not change them. you may lie to other people often, you may smoke a lot or sleep around a lot too. you could be this way because of a significant relationship in your life that came to an end. you may be the type of person who enjoys conflict in relationships because that is normal to you. it is advised that you address these patterns and heal them if you want to be truly happy in this lifetime.

zodiac: capricorn, taurus, gemini, libra, aquarius

song: love foolish - twice

[allmoshnobrain]

WAIT WAIT WAIT-

did you watch Saltburn? if so, I wanna know your full opinion plz

I've heard so many contradicting opinions and yours is very important to me

💚🖤🤍

I did, love, I watched it last week! I only watched it once though, I want to watch it at least one more time so I can really absorb and process the whole thing

I'm not sure if you want my opinion on any specific aspects so I'm gonna ramble for a bit

This might get quite long though so, opinions under the cut!

(Please be aware this will have spoilers. Like, a lot.)

First of all THE AESTHETIC OF THIS MOVIE!!! Everything looked so beautiful and I just loved the way they chose to portray everything, I'm a bit of a design and arts nerd so the photography and lighting choices made me so so happy because it fit the movie's mood perfectly

Also, did you know that the title card was made in stop motion and it took like MONTHS to make it because every frame took forever to be hand drawn and animated?

I saw Emerald Fennel comment somewhere that the movie is all about a beauty that drives us mad and I am so not normal about this concept. Like please I just need more of this in my life

I had been spoiled about the "shocking" parts and honestly they were a lot more okay than I imagined based on what my friends were saying lol

BUT NOW TO THE PLOT

I just love the whole unreliable narrator thing. The way the film starts with Oliver's narration and finishes with it - we only ever get to see his point of view of the whole thing and I think the main thing here is how he was drawn to Felix since the beginning. Maybe because Felix represented the life and status he wanted to have, maybe because he was just in love because, well, he says all the time I WASN'T IN LOVE WITH HIM but then we get all of this shots of him just LONGING over Felix and well, yes, I do think he was in love, at least with the idea of him.

I don't think he planned to murder the entire family from the start, I think he wanted to get closer to Felix in that mix of infatuation over him and over his status, I think he was very happy manipulating his family to like him and driving away anyone who could threaten that, like Farleigh. But things kind of get out of control when Felix figures out he's lying and I think also when Farleigh gives him the "you'll never belong here because it's a blood/family thing and you are nothing" speech.

And now he's drunk and heartbroken and angry and then no one even knows his name when they sing Happy Birthday to him and I think he realizes then that even if he gets Felix to forgive him he'll always be just a pet to these people. Their little "poor" friend who's a novelty to all of their rich aristocratic friends and families. I think that's then that he decides to murder Felix.

And there is all this Romeo and Juliet references/subtext, like they both swallow the poison but then Felix is left to die alone because Oliver refuses to drink the poison. I've seen some people saying he was planning to die with him and gave up last minute but I don't think that's what happened, I think he decided to kill Felix that night because he realized he was never gonna have him the way he wanted. I don't think he even wanted to kill anyone else at this point, I think he just kind of wanted to kill Felix and then take his place in the family, to sort of become him.

But then after when he talks to Venetia he realizes that plan's never gonna work because apparently Elspeth is the only one still under his spell. So he's never gonna have Felix, he's never gonna have Felix's place in this family and now Felix's sister and dad know how obsessive and manipulating he is, so he's probably gonna lose his spot in the family as Elspeth's darling real soon, so he kills Venetia as well. Now I don't think he actually kills her in her sleep or something, I think he just knew she was unstable as fuck and left the razors there knowing she would do the work. I think he would have planned something real quick though, had she not taken the bait.

And then there's the ending where he gets everything - Saltburn and probably the family fortune as well - and he finally gets to become and own the beautiful, beautiful things he longed for SO LONG. I've seen people saying Oliver is a genius and stuff, and I think yeah his plan worked for the most part, but only because he adapted and eliminated his prey swiftly. I think his original plan was to be with Felix, so when that couldn't happen he wanted to become Felix, but that went wrong as well, so he resorted to the last option - devouring everything Felix held dear. In the end, he was obsessed with Felix - he loved him, he admitted that himself.

And I do think he was in love as well lol

I think Oliver is such an interesting character - he's fascinating at times, but also repulsive. He's smart, sure, and he knows how to pull the right strings at the right time, but I think his original plan failed. He just let himself be driven mad by the fascination he felt for Felix and for how everything about him was so, so beautiful, and then devoured everything he could with no restraints. And that was sure a crazy ride to watch!

[autisticbokutoenthusiast]

ive been thinking about top nonstop for the past 24 hours and i can't help but wonder what his arc will actually look like

we're introduced to him in episode 1 as the top-tier. he's cool and confident, he's rich and hot and gets everything he wants and knows the answers to hard trivia quetions and charismatic as hell.

as the series goes on though we're introduced to other parts of him as well, that he has insomnia and has a hard time sleeping alone because he's scared of dying in his sleep alone and unloved, he won't/can't stick up for himself in various situations, he's pretty lonely, etc. he also hooks up with boston because of insecurity that mew is being genuine with him.

these things don't really negate the traits he's introduced with, he's still confident and cocky but post top/boston reveal it stops feeling cool and charismatic and starts seeming a bit desperate, and it doesn't get him whatever he wants in any given scenario anymore. I'd also say that compared to his introduction to the friendgroup, having the answers to the triva questions (i.e knowing the right things to say), following mew finding out about him having sex with boston we often see him speechless, or not speaking up for himself, especially when it comes to mew. it feels like since episode 6 at least, his smirk has been replaced with those sad puppy eyes.

now i'm one of those people that watches the show and thinks top did genuinely fall for mew and is genuine in his attempts to win him back, so i think it's interesting that the more love i see behind his actions, the less mew does.

I'd say the biggest effect on top's character is his relationship with mew/ mew's arc, because of how he agrees to change his lifestyle but also because of how he is framed. like in episode 2 top jumps in the lake to help cheum and mew notes it down as passing one of his boyfriend tests and when top jumps in to help mew in episode 9, its not received negatively but it doesn't but top immediately back in mew's good graces (actually i don't think we get mews thoughts on it at all cause he had just passed out but wtv). similarly top taking care of mew after his lasik surgery vs at the halloween party. i'd imagine that if top's interaction with mew's moms had happened pre episode 6 top would have gotten top marks from mew instead of being met with annoyance. theres probably many more instances like these but i'm starting to lose the point of this post the more i go on. (one last point is in episode 9 top is about to take some sleeping pills and decides instead to seak out human company, which could be just a way to introduce boeing to the story but i still think about it in terms of mew telling to to stop doing drugs, different drugs i know, in exchange for affection...anyway). we've seen the ways top has started to change but i don't think we've gotten as strong a sense as to where his character will go from here.

with mew we see him start out as the table holder, as the guy whose never been in a relationship but has a very clear image in his head of what it has to be like and when he finds someone who passes his tests and enters a relationship he thinks is perfect he ends up feeling betrayed and heartbroken. then we see mew lose his sense of self, enter his bad boy winning the idgaf war era and also what it takes for him to get out of it and start to come to terms with how he feels and why. we've seen who mew was introduced to us as, how he broke out of that mold, and where he may go next

boston was the hunter, who didn't do relationships because of all the drama. he becomes friends with benefits with nick and breaks his rule and starts to develop some feelings and it ultimately does lead to a lot of drama, mostly at the expense of his friendships. it seems tho that moving forward boston may re-evaluate his stance of relationships, not in favor of changing how he is necessarily but the value he places on other people and how he treats them.

ray is introduced to us the drunkard and guy with an unrequited crush. i personally will say ray is a bit different from these other characters because i think all of us ray enthusiasts clocked what layed beneath his surface almost immediately but nevertheless, he starts out as the guy who drinks too much when he goes out and gets called a burden by his friends for it, then we find out about his mother drinking herself to death, about his past suicide attempt because he feels unlovable and like he'll always be a burden, but we also see him try to move on with sand, to open up even, then get immediately roped back into his negative emotions in episode 6 when he self sabotages because self fulfilling prophecy, and we see things start to fall apart for him in episode 7/8 but pick back up in episode 9 with the prediction being the rest of his arc will revolve around dealing with his addiction and the impact that will have on his life.

i lost the plot of this post so bad someone please make coherent thoughts about this character cause clearly i can't. genuinely don't know what the point of this was supposed to be....

[martinacollenderplaywrightblog]

The day Leonard Cohen died even the sky wept for him. I woke to texts from my friends at the time trying to protect my broken heart from grieving but as much as we want to protect our loved one's hearts from grieving it's a form of magic not accessible to us mere mortals. I died a thousand times missing Leonard and I know some people will call me silly for grieving for someone I didn't know but what you must understand, I spent so many lonely nights comforted by his words and his words alone, so how could I not know him?

I went to see the Elvis film with my sister, and as I walked into the cinema, I KNEW he died at 42, I know he suffered drug and alcohol abuse, I KNEW this but still the knowledge didn't protect me from breaking down in the cinema when they showed his last performance singing "Unchained Melody" and when he sang "I'll be coming home, wait for me" I disvoled into a grief of such intensity I was sure I was simply going to die. There's a moment in the film where his ex wife is telling him I can get you help, I can bring you to Rehab and there's a deep sadness in him and he just says no. That's all he says is no. Two letters. But those two tiny letters held this pain that he was beyond help.

I'm poor and a nobody. Somedays I fantasise about being famous and rich but most days I'm grateful for being a nobody. I think it's a terrible infliction to be famous. Your worst days, the times your on your knees are splashed across the front pages of newspapers and people talk about you as if your absent of feelings. The world watched Amy Whinehouse, Elvis, Whitney Houston, Leonard Cohen and many many more being really sick and suffering. There pain was splashed across newspapers and people on radio and TV debated there sickness and addictions as if it was entertainment.

I'm a huge fan of Harry Potter; it was my childhood and I'm grieving because JK Rowling has come out with such hate for trans people who I adore, I'm heartbroken that my childhood hero has turned to hate against the very people she gave hope to. Daniel Radcliffe suffered an alcohol problem, he said he turned 18 and was handed millions of pounds and was surrounded by people who never said no to him and he began drinking a lot. I don't judge him for a second as I often to turned to seeking answers at an end of a bottle but it upset that pictures of him drunk and in an awful state where splashed across the papers, imagine being on your knees in pain and photos of your agony being so public, it's horrible and cruel. Emma Watson said in a interview the day the she turned 18 she went for dinner with her family and when she can out of the restaurant, the photographers were lying on the ground trying to get photos of her underwear up her dressed because she was now 18. To be victimised at such a young and venerable age was deeply distressing to me particularly Emma who is a fierce warrior for equality for women. These are just two examples of how vicious the media can be with no regard for human emotions and feelings.

I'm from Waterford, Ireland and I joined Waterford Youth Arts when I was 15 years old because I was interested in theatre. I hated it. There was far too much hugging and screaming from the other members and I found the games stupid and embrassing. I was all set to leave the world behind me after a month or two when I made my way to Garter Lane Theatre to see a production of To Leap From Paradise by the late, great Jim Daly. I was captivated and fell in love with the words and life's on stage I recognised as my own. I found out about Red Kettle Theatre Company and fell in love with the idea that a group of people from my home, from Waterford, got together and created magic. I loved that they put on plays with a beginning, a middle and an end with sets and costumes. I was far more interested in this than playing silly games. In my investigation of this group of people I discovered Ben Hennessy, a wonderful artist and set designer, my now favourite ever Playwright Jim Nolan and an extraordinary actress Jenni Ledwell. They were so talented, nationally known and famous artists, and they were from my hometown. I adored them and they became my hero's, by absolute stroke of luck they became my friends I'm so grateful to be able to say. I remember seeing Jenni Ledwell in Eden in The Theatre Royal and I fell head over heels in love with her. She was amazing and stole my heart. I waited for her afterwards with the intention of asking for her autograph, but when she came out from backstage in whirl of energy and light with a radiant smile I was too shy to go up to her, this was THE Jenni Ledwell like. I told her years later when we became friends and she laughed and said "Yea fecking eejit Teeny!" We lost Jenni recently and I've never been as affected by death as I was by hers, the grieve of losing someone famous, someone I adored and someone who is my friend is unbearable on the worst days, heartwrenching on the somewhat better days.

I find it very distressing to watch these famous people suffering because in my mind I simply can't separate the fact that they have feelings and are in pain with that there famous.

When I told my pyschratist I was grieving them, a look of utter confusion came across his face and he said "I'm sorry Martina we don't have a tablet for that" he simply didn't know what to do with such an intense grief on a daily bases.

I'm a mess, I cry when I'm sad, I cry when I'm happy, I'm always crying. I can't separate loving someone and being in pain for their pain, I'm constantly and forever more overcome with emotions on a daily bases, either overcome with love and drowned in grief. I'm mental and I don't know if it's because I'm mental or if it's just the way I am but everything is very intense. It's a price I pay for being able to love and if that's the cost I don't mind paying it.

I'm obsessed with famous people, the talented who rise to the top, sometimes I feel like I have no right to know these initmate details of their lives but I only want to know to understand their lives and hearts.

I was going through a really hard time, was hidden in lies and secrets. Jim Nolan, my favourite Playwright knew me briefly at the time, he could see I was in pain and reached out to meet me for a coffee. I couldn't tell him what was troubling me. The coffee was brief because I didn't have the words to explain my pain but at the end Jim peered at me with concerned eyes and said "Martina someone told me on my dark days, no matter how bad things seem, it WILL pass, try and remember that" I didn't believe him at the time, I couldn't ever imagine that pain leaving but I'm grateful to say Jim WAS right. It passed. It was such a gift to know my hero, someone famous, had dark days too and survived. It gave me hope that not only could I survive but I might be able to be talented too despite my faults.

Right now, I'm exhausted with emotion, nothing bad happened! In fact quiet the opposite I had a great week but I'm just drained for feeling so happy and love for my friends and family. I do become so overwhelmed with love for the people in my life I have to cry to release the emotions. Its funny and I'm used to it and I know I need to rest for a time now. I wonder if their is a heaven, and I highly doubt I'd be allowed in for my sins but if I am I wonder will I get to meet these famous people and thank them for the profound impact they've had in my life. Because really amongst the love is a deep gratitude to them. What can I say, I love the bones off them!

[mooregan07]

ah yes why care about anything when mother is giving us new music!!!! so thankful ☺️🥰

like keep being distracted by the shadows babes but there is an actual world out there that does get impacted by these things (i’ll assume from your stance you won’t be) and believe it or not the mega superstar has a massive role in it (and the arguments of hypocrisy is that she knows her massive role, has said she wants to use it to be better and better the world, and doesn’t because she don’t wanna lose the breakup)

and yeah the implications of a rich white british man saying he gets off to women of colour being brutalized is no big deal! so right! 🧐

kind of longer post coming in.

hey love! thank you so much for sending in this ask and i totally understand what you’re saying here. also thank you for explaining the hypocrisy thing to me, i do need to get more versed on everyone’s thoughts and theories, and i definitely will.

while i am not a person of color, i do have many close friends who are, and i do truly understand where everyone is coming from. i am lgbtq, a woman, i use she/they pronouns, and i have a lot of greek blood in me, and my grandmother is jewish, and so i do truly know the damage and harm that someone can cause by saying things like what matty says. i’m not trying to defend myself for any comments that someone may have deemed problematic or “distracted by the shadows”. i’m so sorry if this is how i came off. let me just take some time and explain myself a little farther, as it seems i need to do.

i just really don’t like to jump to conclusions about celebrities because we don’t know them personally, and we don’t know what they are truly like. i do realize that satire or not, there are a lot of things that matty has said that are very, VERY wrong and should be talked about and critiqued. however, again, we don’t know who taylor is behind closed doors. it’s hard to cope with and hard to hear, and i’ve been very anti super stans since the beginning because people get so heartbroken over celebrities coming out to be more problematic. i would like taylor to make an official statement, and i have educated myself more on the issues with matty.

as i saïd in my earlier post, i wasn’t super sure about everything, and i still a teenager and i’m learning about politics and how to be/how to live. i’m so very sorry if my comments hurt anyone, that was not AT ALL the intention. i was just hoping that it could help some swifties who are very upset about this to find some hope in the situation.

also, i am very very aware that influencers/celebrities and even mega stars like swift majorly contribute to a lot of the problems we have in the US and all over the world right now. i just really try not to focus on the bad part and focus on the good because the bad really upsets me. i’m sorry if i came off as a defender for different issues. i’m very optimistic person and i try to find something that can possibly make a situation less anxiety inducing or upsetting for people and so once again, i was trying to spread some hope.

i do believe matty saying he watches pornographic material of women of color getting brutalized is HORRIBLE, and should not be condoned or said to be okay. i didn’t know he said that. i’m sorry i neglected this. i really want to emphasize that i do not neglect the pure disgusting things that matty has said in the past, i was just unaware and i have learned more now.

the idea of separating the art from the artist is very important to me for many reasons, one is because we never know what celebrities will do, and two, no one is perfect. public figures shouldn’t be glorified to the extent that we think they’re perfect/surprised that they get things wrong. so, i was still super excited about taylor’s new songs and i’m really pumped to see what she does next. taylor is still human and she gets it wrong sometimes, so i love her music but i don’t idolize her.

i would like to sincerely apologize for my ignorance and taking to the internet to say something that i do understand fully is controversial and is seen as very problematic for to some people. i just wanted to spread my feeling of hope that i had, because i seriously think taylor is a good person. i love taylor so very much that i don’t want to believe that she would condone matty’s behavior nor support it or tolerate it. i just wanted to hope that he’s a better person. maybe i’m in the wrong. once again i’m sorry, and i will educate myself better on this topic.

however, i just wanted to let everyone know that shaming people over opinons and thoughts, especially people who said explicitly that they are not super well educated on the topic and just wanted to share their opinion is not cool. taylor promotes kindness, and so called swifties who do not follow this are not true swifties. i know you were just trying to share your opinion, anon, but i do believe it could have been done in a much kinder way. i’m a huge believer in kind criticism, and so it would be much appreciated that you wouldn’t assume that i’m not impacted by the things matty says, and that i really don’t understand it. i do now, and i did not appreciate how harsh your criticism came off. i’m really just trying to promote hope and love and respect for peoples privacy. i hope you understand. i’m a very empathic, anxious, and emotional person, and so this did hurt me a little bit to be basically called ignorante. however, i truly do understands where you’re coming from.

nonetheless, thanks for sharing, anon.

[stickystrangergardener]

Dear God,

I am 24 years old right now, I am writing to You because I think I am not okay for quite some time and had not found anyone to talk about it. This sadness that I feel, in my heart I am seeking for someone who is really willing to listen, who might understand, but everytime I try, it drains me a lot. I need someone who can just listen sincerely and won’t pressure me. I am not mad at them, it is just tiresome to put myself out there to try.  I am being toxic lately, as I observe myself.

When Papa was stroked, I was heartbroken. It’s been four years now, the last normal conversation I had with him before the events is that he was pointing out that I cried at the hospital. I still always talk to him but not very detailed, but still I am really thankful that we understand each other somehow. It’s just sometimes, it makes me sad ‘cause I want to know how he feels and thinks about certain things.  I always want to make him feel heard and not alone. I don’t want him to feel isolated despite his disability. The first time I got the news that he’ll be bedridden, I cried a lot.

Even though my father is disabled now, I still respect him, and I think I love him even more now. Despite the odds, I want to always bring them along in my life. Ever since he was stroked, I asked God, what’s our future. It really hurts me to see him sad sometimes, limited. I’m always scared that he pity his self, that he might forget how important he is, his worth. For me, he and my mother are the best gifts You had ever given me.  

I always want to ask You Lord, what is our future? How can I have the courage to live? They are more important than the material opportunities. It’s just too cruel Lord,  to just accept what most people would. Shall every person with his same condition just accept that perspective. I don’t see the point of life if we would live that way. Am I losing hope? I am not asking to understand everything now, I am just asking for hope and mercy. Have mercy on us Lord. How will we continue to live? What should we expect and dream? I said to myself that I refuse to believe what many would say. Life is not suppose to be like that, I believe You have great plans than for us than to wait until our last days in this world. I am always scared that Your plan might common person says but I am trying to have faith on You Lord, we don’t think the way You do.

Isaiah 55:8-9

“For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the LORD. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts.”

Have mercy on us Lord, give us hope and courage. Help us to face tomorrow together please. Please remind my father his worth, it’s from You, it’s not the things that he can or cannot do, the richness and health.  He is more than the sickness he has. Give me hope and wisdom Lord, to take care of him. I don’t know how to be strong anymore L It frustrate me to see him feel that way.

Proverbs 23:18.

“Surely there is a future, and your hope will not be cut off.”

Thank You Lord for loving us. You are the greatest of all. Amen

[gladerwolfstarkimagines]

Imagine being Sokka and Katara’s cousin and having a complicated romantic relationship with Zuko.

Your cousin Sokka had initially set you up with Zuko because he figured the firelord needed some fun and you were exactly that. You weren’t interested in titles or riches you were just an infectious whirlwind of carefree energy. He figured Zuko could learn something from you and so arranged the date.

He could tell by how light Zuko walked into the room the next day that his plan had worked and he liked seeing the positive effect you were having on Zuko. The pressures of the throne had really been weighing down on him and you helped him to get some much-needed freedom and connect with his non-Firelord side....however it always had a way of coming back.

Zuko loved dating you but he’d gotten pressure from every single fire nation noblemen on the council to break up with you. They disliked you because you were from the water tribe so many viewed you as an outsider trying to influence the fire nation. Zuko’s reign was still so new and with rebellions breaking out more frequently Zuko agreed. He had to put his country first even if that meant losing you. One thing Zuko hadn’t realised however was you had a very different view of your relationship...for one thing you didn’t even realise you were in one with the Firelord.

Your POV

Zuko was always pretty tense but you noticed tonight he was even more stressed and quiet. You tried to make conversation but he was sombre throughout dinner and when you’d finished he put his cutlery down and looked across at you. “Y/n I need to speak to you”. You nodded folding your arm “sure, what’s wrong?”. Zuko sighed "Y/n i’ve really enjoyed our time together but i...have to break up with you, I can’t see you anymore". You blinked surprised, one at Zuko’s honesty and two at the news you had apparently been dating the Firelord. You and Zuko weren’t dating or even close to dating, in your mind you’d just been having fun and sure you were definitely not just friends but you also didn’t think you were boyfriend/girlfriend. Regardless of what the label was you quickly realised what Zuko was telling you and it made a heavy weight settle in your stomach. Whatever this between you was...it made you sad to think it would be ending.  "You do?" you asked remaining composed and Zuko nodded. "It’s nothing to do with you it’s me, being firelord i don’t have the time for dating or fun, i don’t think it’s fair to keep this going when I can’t guarantee i’ll always be able to give you my attention". You nodded your head "that sounds fair, thank you for thinking of that". "No problem" Zuko said smiling sadly and you nodded awkwardly. “I’ll be going then” and you went to walk away when he spoke again "but i really enjoyed our time together y/n, i really did". You smiled "me too, you’re pretty fun for a royal" and bowed "see you around firelord” and you walked away.

Zuko’s POV

You walked out of the room and Zuko sighed. He felt a mix between relief and sadness. That had gone a lot easier than he thought it would and that should be a good thing but it didn’t feel that way. A part of Zuko had wanted you to argue with him or to dig to find the real reason he was breaking it off. He knew if you’d have challenged him in even the slightest way he’d have told you the truth and taken back what he’d said but you had just agreed and let it go without a fight. Zuko couldn’t help feeling disappointed and a little hurt. You remained on his mind the rest of the day and Zuko couldn’t stop wondering about your reaction. He was sat with your cousin Sokka when he decided to bring you up. "Just so you know I’ve ended things with y/n" Zuko explained and Sokka blinked "i’m sorry what?". "I know i should’ve warned you seeing as she’s your cousin...i’m sorry". Sokka shook his head "no i’m confused how do you think you were dating her". Zuko blinked "what do you mean? You literally set us up". "I introduced you because i thought y/n could make you loosen up a bit but Zuko y/n doesn’t date". Zuko blinked "but we hung our several times and...kissed and stuff". Sokka sighed "oh god as gross as this is to have to explain about my cousin...Zuko that doesn’t mean you were dating". "It doesn’t?”. Sokka sighed "okay here’s what you need to know about my cousin, she grew up in a town that was heavily sexist and married girls off at young ages, so as times started to change she leapt at the new opportunities. She refused to ever date anyone, it’s too much commitment and so instead she has fun with people, typically for short periods of time and then she flutters away, usually leaving a broken heart or two". Zuko blinked "but we were dating!". "Did you ever agree to make it exclusive?" Sokka asked. Zuko shook his head "well not in words". "Did you ever ask her to be your girlfriend?". "No but i thought it was implied". "Did you ever call her your girlfriend then?". "No i...it was new i didn’t want to come on too strong" Zuko sighed. Sokka patted his back "and there’s the broken heart". "I’m not heartbroken just confused! Why did she let me break up with her if we weren’t even dating?". "Well breakups are awkward, imagine having to explain to someone in the middle of one, that you're not even dating, i bet she did it just to spare your feelings". As soon as those words left his mouth Sokka regretted it. "No i didn’t mean that...i meant". Zuko stood up angrily "it appears i need to find your cousin".

Zuko was furious. He felt like he’d been living two different lives this whole time and that had caused so much stress. One half of him was the teenager who wanted fun, the freedom to go on dates and just be careless. Then the other half of him was the Firelord who knew he had to be responsible. He knew all the elder nobles thought he was too irresponsible and all his friends thought him too boring and conventional. He liked you because you opened him up to new things and made him feel normal. Not too young or too formal, just right, you made him feel valid.

But he’d sacrificed all that for the “greater good” and now not only was he regretting his decision he was also furious because apparently he wasn’t anything to you anyway. The thing he’d struggled so much with, you weren’t even aware of.

Zuko walked into the large living room the gang had taken to lounging in and saw you sat with Haru. He felt his temper rise as Sokka’s words filled his mind. How you broke hearts and moved on instantly. You laughed at something Haru said and Zuko’s eyes narrowed. He really meant nothing to you. Zuko stalked across the room and came to stand in front of you both. Haru jumped "Firelord Zuko" but you took your time glancing at him. You eventually raised your eyes to his and nodded "Firelord Zuko". Zuko tensed "y/n we need to talk". "Is it urgent because....". "It is, now...please" Zuko said and he walked away.

Your POV

You blinked as Zuko stormed away and apologised to Haru before following him. You had no idea why Zuko wanted to speak to you, surely everything was wrapped up now you were done but he seemed so angry. You’d heard about this famous fire nation temper but you’d never seen it on Zuko and part of you was a little impressed. You liked fire benders for that reason precisely, their inner fire and passion but Zuko had been completely composed and calm the whole time you’d know him. Not now though.

You followed Zuko into a room and he shut the door. "Zuko what’s wrong?" you asked and he spun to face you rapidly. "What’s wrong?" he cried "why did you let me break up with you and say all that rubbish if I meant nothing to you?". You paused "who says you mean nothing to me?". "Sokka!" Zuko cried "he explained how you flit from person to person, never dating them just having fun and how you move onto your next person when you get bored. We were never dating, why didn’t you correct me?". You shrugged "i... I didn't want to be rude, but Zuko I wasn’t just waiting to flit from you to someone else". "Ow yeah, Haru’s just a coincidence?". "You broke up with me! Why are you angry even if something was going on with Haru?". "Because i didn’t want to break up with you y/n" Zuko explained "i did it because i had to and it was a really tough decision for me to make. It felt like a big sacrifice to me and then to find out you didn’t even think twice about me" Zuko said rapidly before staring at the floor almost deflated. "Zuko i do think about you" you said softly "whatever Sokka said isn’t completely true. Yes i don’t like putting labels on things but that doesn’t mean i don’t care or feel the same things anyone does at the start of something. I think the reason i move on or flit around so quickly as you said is because i move on as soon as I start feeling things, i don’t like being vulnerable so me not thinking of you as my boyfriend wasn’t because I didn’t care about you, it was more to protect me from the opposite". "So you do like me?" Zuko asked and you took a breath. "I do...a lot". Zuko rushed forwards hastily and kissed you. You kissed him back wrapping your arms around his neck before you paused "but wait...i thought you said you literally weren’t allowed to do this". Zuko nodded but didn’t remove his hands from your waist "i did, as Firelord i’m expected to behave dignified and composed all the time, i’m not supposed to get emotional or act irresponsibly for example by dating an unconventional water tribe girl" Zuko smiled "but i don’t care! I don’t care if they disapprove! I don’t care if we’re boyfriend and girlfriend or it’s just casual, all i know is i really like you and really really want to kiss you". You smiled and rehooked your arm around his neck "then kiss me".

Zuko was obedient and kissed you passionately before moving onto your neck. You were both surprised and pleasantly fascinated at Zuko’s confidence. Usually he was shy and kissed you quickly before moving away but now....now he was confident and purposeful with each touch. It was very attractive and you suddenly saw why the fire nation had such a strong reputation. Zuko caught the look in your eye and smiled "if you want we can....go to my room?". You smiled "lead the way”. Zuko stepped towards the door so quickly he knocked a table over but he just tugged you past it "leave it, it can stay that way for all i care right now" he muttered and you laughed at how spontaneous he was being. It was nice to see him let his hair down and you grinned as he pulled you through the fire nation halls hastily. He yanked his door open before pulling you inside and slamming the door. Trapping you on the other side. "Hmm i don’t think running through the hall is dignified Firelord Zuko". Zuko shrugged "neither is this" and began to kiss you again.

***

You laid side by side and Zuko seemed very relaxed but you were wondering about something. "Should I be going...am i even allowed to stay here in your room overnight? Doesn’t it break some century old fire nation tradition?" you asked. You’d never been in Zuko’s room before and only now did it really hit you he was the Firelord with a whole country on his shoulders and hundreds of advisors all monitoring his every move. If they’d gotten so angry at you for spending time together surely the nobles would be furious at you spending the night in his quarters? Zuko however did not care. "Of course you can” he said immediately “no servants will bother us and my guards will know to leave so we can be alone...of course that’s if you want to? If you don’t want to stay the night...". “Are you kidding me? And miss sleeping in these silk masterpieces?" you asked wriggling against the royal bedding. Zuko laughed watching you before he looked more serious. "I meant what i said" Zuko said softly "you don’t have to be my anything...i like you, i don’t need any labels or anything". "But do you want them?" you asked. You’d been more honest with Zuko than you’d ever been with anyone and now a part of you....wasn’t terrified by the idea of making him something more. But Zuko had also listened to you too and didn’t want to scare you off. "All i want is you" he smiled coming closer "if you don’t want labels then they won’t come anywhere near us". You smiled at the effort Zuko was making and leant into him. Zuko wrapped his arms around you and you buried your head in his chest. Ignoring the feeling in your stomach that you should have been more honest.

1 week later

Zuko definitely took what you’d said into account. He was a lot more confident with you both in private and publically. Apparently almost losing you made him more determined to make the most of his time with you. He invited you to royal events and was attentive to you throughout them. When nobles questioned him about you he would tell them it was none of their concern and refuse to answer any further prying. You liked seeing Zuko stand up for himself using his dominant abrupt side but also kind of missed his soft sweet side. Sure having a temper and attitude were hot in the moment but after a while they lost their depth and you got the feeling it was an act Zuko was putting on for you. As if  Zuko thought by acting tough and in control with his court you’d be more attracted to him when in reality you loved how caring and considerate he was.

Zuko was also struggling. As well as maintaining the imposing Firelord who didn’t care what others thought of him, Zuko was also pretending he was okay with being casual. Zuko was not a casual person in any meaning of the word. He was a dramatic over-thinker, he had never been carefree and although in the moment with you he did enjoy it, afterwards his mind fretted over everything he’d done. He also worried about your open relationship. He knew freedom was important for you but he couldn’t help but wonder if when you looked at another person you’d start seeing them as well. Zuko liked you a lot and was sure he never wanted to see you with another person. He wondered if it was selfish but he wanted you all to himself and wanted an exclusive relationship....but he’d promised you he would be fine with this and that meant more to him.

So you and Zuko continued the charade to please the other, no idea that the other person actually felt the exact same way.

Your POV

You and Zuko had just had a pleasant evening with his friends and were retiring to his room for the night. On the way you passed a guard who looked at the two of you and then frowned. Zuko immediately tensed and went into Firelord mode. “Something you want to say?” Zuko called and the guard lowered his eyes “no Firelord Zuko”. “I thought not” Zuko agreed and took your hand. Zuko led you into his room and shut the door with a loud snap. You watched Zuko and all the things you’d been feeling this week came up. You needed to say something and now was just as good a time as any.  

You prepared for the night and sat down on the edge of the bed watching Zuko warily, wondering how he’d take what you were about to say.

"Zuko i’ve been thinking about something and I think we need to talk” you said suddenly and Zuko jumped standing up taller. "Are you okay?" he asked immediately coming to sit next to you. "I am and i want to thank you for all the effort you’ve gone to but i think we need to reassess the situation”. Zuko immediately panicked, you’d realised he wasn’t a cool collected leader and that he was faking it....you weren’t attracted to him anymore. "Y/n i think i know what you’re going to say" he frowned when you carried on "i miss how it was before". Zuko blinked "what?". "I know you’re trying to be more dominant in your rule and to be more protective of us but that doesn’t mean you have to act all unfeeling and unbothered for my benefit. You’re a kind sweet person Zuko and I like when you show that, so i guess i’m asking have you been trying to change for me?". Zuko looked down "i have....you just reacted so intensely to me being more confident and so i thought you’d want that more". "I do love it when your confident" you smiled "but you don’t have to keep that in every aspect of our lives, maybe just when we’re alone?". Zuko felt a blush rise to his cheeks but he nodded "okay". You smiled "and sorry one more thing....i know i said i don’t like labels but i think i’d maybe like to try them?". Overcome with the realisation you felt everything he did Zuko just kissed you passionately. You kissed him back before laughing as you separated "what was that for?”. "For weeks i’ve been playing this character and restraining myself from asking you to be exclusive with me and i thought if i felt this way how can we be compatible but all along you felt it too". You blushed and nodded "yes i....i’ve felt that too”. Zuko grinned and kissed you again before pulling away "wait let me make sure i understand this correctly, you’d like us to start dating? Properly and officially?". "And exclusively" you smiled and Zuko grinned "i’m going to do this officially then, y/n will you be my girlfriend". "I thought you’d never ask!" you cried and kissed him again.

[filmsmakkari]

Satisfied

Wordcount- 2.2k

Hamilton!Tom Holland x Angelica!Reader

Soldier!Tom x Princess!Reader

So this is the first part of a story based on Angelica and Alexander's dynamic in Hamilton :)

i would recommend listening to the song satisfied here

Full Series Masterlist

I remember that night

I just might regret that night for the rest of my days

Being raised the crown princess of the small island nation of Larione had never been easy. Larione wasn’t particularly important to larger countries, only included on a few maps. Many of the citizens lived in poverty and only a powerful marriage alliance with a wealthy royal would solve it. Being born a girl only made things worse. No matter how people will deny it, boys are always favored over girls, especially in royal families. No one would ever take you seriously as a queen without a king by your side. It was imperative that you married a future king- preferably a wealthy one. You’d been raised with the responsibility of marrying for your country’s benefit, so the idea of marrying for love had never even crossed your mind.

I remember those soldier boys trippin’ over themselves to win our praise

It all started at your father’s Winter Ball. Plenty of the continent’s royals were in attendance, all trying to earn you and your sister’s favor. Though Larione’s royal family wasn’t the wealthiest, the (Y/L/N) Sisters were known to be quite beautiful, making you the envy of all. As you socialized with the guests, you noticed a few soldiers flirting with your ladies-in-waiting. You smiled at one of them, Lady Adannaya, as a way of encouraging her to continue their flirtation. That was when you first saw him.

But Alexander, I’ll never forget the first time I saw your face

Another soldier had joined his friends and your ladies. You knew from the moment your eyes landed on him that you would never be the same. He had silky brown hair and a hunger-pang-frame. You wondered if he ate regularly. And oh, good lord those eyes. They were a deep shade of brown, but they shone gold in the light of the candle he was near.  They sparkled with intelligence, wit, and ambition. He must have felt your gaze on him because he suddenly turned to meet your gaze, smiling seductively at you. At that moment it felt as if your heart had been set aflame. He began to approach you. Then it felt as if your entire body had been set aflame.

You strike me as a woman who has never been satisfied

“Your highness,” he said, bowing and kissing your hand.

“Good evening, soldier. What is your name?”

“Thomas Holland, your grace,” he replied.

Thomas Holland, you thought. You knew him. Not personally, but you’d heard of him. He was essentially Major General Njeri’s right-hand man. A soldier with a marksman’s ability, and not too bad with a quill either. From your understanding, he wrote all of the general’s correspondences.

“Are you enjoying the ball, Thomas?”

“I am,” he looked you up and down “but you aren’t.”

“Pardon me?”

“All of these suitors, they don’t make you happy, do they?”

“Well, aren’t you perceptive?” you asked, a smirk painting your face.

“Oh, come on.” You made a surprised face, taken aback by his familiar tone. “Suitors, balls, court life, none of this satisfies you, does it, your grace?”

You chuckled in disbelief. “I’m sure I don’t know what you mean. You forget yourself, Thomas.”

You turned to walk away, but he grabbed a hold of your wrist. You looked down at your wrist, then back up at him, eyes wide in surprise as he spoke.

“I don’t think so, your grace. You see, you’re just like me, I’m never satisfied,” he said genuinely.

“Oh, is that right?” you questioned, forgetting not to show your intrigue. “Where is  your family from, Thomas?”

I asked about his family, did you see his answer?

His hands started fidgeting, he looked askance

He’s penniless, he’s flying by the seat of his pants

You could see the reservation about the topic of his family in his eyes even before he spoke.

He shook his head nonchalantly, but his hands were fidgeting. “Doesn’t matter where my family’s from. I’m going places one day. Just you wait. You’ll see. Just you wait.” And with that, he was back with his soldier friends, leaving you fascinated and slightly lovestruck. You knew it was foolish to have feelings for someone you barely knew, especially being a princess, but you simply couldn’t help it. His boldness and lack of regard for your position ensnared you immediately, and before you’d even spoken much, you knew he had you.

Everything we said in total agreement

You spoke with the handsome soldier boy a few more times that night, always agreeing, constantly sharing the same opinions. It was as if you shared a mind. You never did get to dance with him, but you promised he would have a dance before the night was over. If you hadn’t been sure already, you were then. You were completely and utterly in love with him.

Handsome, boy, does he know it

Peach fuzz and he can’t even grow it

I wanna take him far away from this place

Then I turn and see my sister’s face and she’s

“Helpless,” your sister, Yelizaveta, whom you all affectionately called Eliza, said to you.

She had just pulled you to the side of the ballroom and told you that someone had her “helpless”.

“What do you mean? Who does?” you questioned.

“Him.” Eliza turned, and there he was.

Thomas. The one who had your younger sister so helpless was the very same young soldier who had stolen into your affections.

“He’s wonderful (Y/N/N)!” she turned back to you. “It’s Thomas Holland, General Njeri’s favorite soldier! He’s so handsome and brave.” Your sister was basically swooning by that point.

“Helpless? Eliza, it’s only been one night, are you sure?” You knew you were being hypocritical. You yourself felt deeply in love with Thomas and had also only met him that night. And anyway, you knew she wasn’t exaggerating. You knew your sister like you knew your own mind. All you had to do was look into her eyes and you knew she meant it when she said she was completely helpless for him.

“Yes, sister, I’m sure. He has me,” she replied.

And I realize

Three fundamental truths at the exact same time

You nodded, stroking her face and walking over to him. As you got closer to him, you realized three key truths that you had foolishly allowed yourself to forget.

Number One

I’m a girl in a world in which my only job is to marry rich

My father has no sons so I’m the one who has to social climb for one

You were the oldest of all your sisters, making you (Y/N), Crown Princess of Larione. The future ruler of your country. Crown princess, not prince. You would never be taken seriously as a ruler on your own. Your job was to marry a rich royal, preferably a king or crown prince. Thomas Holland was the furthest possible thing from that. A poor bastard orphan from the Caribbean, with no title or wealth. Simply a soldier favored by a revered general. As a woman, he could give you love, but as the future of the realm, there was nothing he offered you.

“How have I offended you now?” he asked jokingly.

“Not at all,” you said, smiling. “There’s actually someone I’d like you to meet.”

He raised his eyebrows as you grabbed his arm and led him in your sister’s direction.

“Where are you taking me?” he questioned.

“I’m about to change your life.”

“Well then, by all means, lead the way.”

As you approached your sister, she curtsied politely, saying “Princess Yelizaveta. It’s a pleasure to meet you.”

“Princess?” Thomas turned to you in confusion, having thought this girl was one of your ladies.

“My sister!” you explained.

“Thank you for all you do, sir,” Eliza said.

“If  it takes fighting a war for us to meet it will have been worth it.”

“I’ll leave you to it!” you said, smiling through the pain of your actions.

Number Two

He’s after me cause I’m a Schuyler Sister

That elevates his status

I’d have to be naive to set that aside,

Maybe that is why I introduced him to Eliza

Now that’s his bride,

Nice going, Angelica, he was right

You will never be satisfied

Thomas Holland was an ambitious man. A social climber, desperate to rise above his station. To marry a princess would make him a duke, one of the highest titles in Larione. His children would have royal blood, and so would his grandchildren after that. Perhaps that was the reason you had introduced him to your younger sister. A princess, but not one who would be queen. Someone a step above, but within reach. A decision you regretted almost immediately. You wished you had kept him to yourself. Ha, would you look at that, he was right. You will never be satisfied.

Number Three

I know my sister like I know my own mind,

You will never find anyone as trusting or as kind

If I tell her that I love him she’d be silently resigned

He’d be mine,

She would say “I’m fine”

She’d be lying

The week following the ball, Eliza and Thomas were writing back and forth constantly. Eliza’s eyes lit up with every letter that he wrote her. You played the role of the protective, prying older sister, saying to her in regards to the letters “I’m just saying If you really loved me you would share them!”, trying to playfully snatch one away.

Of course, it was all an act. You wished those letters were for you. You wished you were the one Thomas was so eager to write to. You wanted so badly to confess your feelings to Thomas and Eliza and to take him for yourself, but you could never do that to your kind, gentle sister. Realistically, if you were to confess, your sister would be happy for you. She would sway Thomas in your direction, just as you had done for her. She would tell you she was happy for you and that she was alright. She’d be lying. Eliza felt strongly for Thomas, anyone could see it. She’d be heartbroken, but she’d deny it. She would want nothing more than your happiness, the same way you wanted her’s. Your love for her triumphed over all, even your love for Thomas. You loved her more than anything in this life and would put her happiness over your own every time. So you bit your tongue, hiding away your true feelings.

Before you knew it, several months had passed. Thomas, through ambition, skill and, and hard work, had risen in station from a common soldier to Secretary of Larione’s Treasury- a position high enough to marry a member of the royal family.

So finally, the time had come to ask your father for his blessing to marry your sister. You, Eliza, and your youngest sister, Margaery, or “Peggy”, were sitting on a couch in the upstairs corridor leading to the stairs, listening for your father’s approval.

Your father stood up and walked towards Thomas slowly. You got nervous, fearing he was going to deny Thomas’s request for marriage. You truly wanted him to bless the marriage. All you wanted was for Eliza to be happy. Thankfully, your father shook Thomas’s hand saying “be true to each other”.

Thomas smiled brightly, looking up to Eliza. You all rushed downstairs. You and Peggy hugged your new brother-in-law tightly, welcoming him to the family. You smiled softly as Eliza kissed him. Though it would be a lie to say you didn’t feel a flash of sadness at the reminder that he wasn’t yours. But as usual, you hid your feelings.

Days passed as quickly as they came, eventually leading up to Thomas and Eliza’s wedding. To say it was bittersweet would be an understatement. On one hand, your sister’s happiness brought you great joy, on the other, the prospect of Thomas being out of your reach permanently brought you great despair.

You smiled as you walked down the aisle as your sister’s maid of honor, but anyone who looked close enough would have seen your eyes were crying.

You couldn’t stop the tears pooling in your eyes as Thomas’s close friend, Lieutenant Colonel Harrison Osterfield spoke loudly, “Everyone, give it up for the maid of honor! Princess (Y/N)!”

“A toast to the groom!” you said enthusiastically, looking at Thomas and Eliza.

“To the groom!” the guests toasted.

“To the lovely bride!”

The guests repeated it back to you.

“From your most adoring sister,” you said, wrapping your free arm around Peggy. “Who’s always by your side.”

“May your marriage be long and prosperous,” you turned to Thomas specifically. “And may you always be satisfied.”

The young man smiled knowingly at you.

The wedding came and went, and before you knew it, you were saying goodbye to Thomas and Eliza as they left for their honeymoon.

“Are you crying, sister? Oh, I love you ever so much!” Eliza said, wiping your tears and kissing your cheek. She thought you were crying tears of happiness for her. Oh, if only she knew. As she said her goodbyes to Peggy, you caught Thomas’s eye. In them was an expression of such deep longing it made your heart ache. Your gazes on each other lingered until Eliza’s sweet, lovestruck voice called out “Thomas?”. At the sound of her voice, he tore his gaze from you, stepping into the carriage and riding away with his wife. Eventually, Harrison, Jacob, and Tuwaine- Thomas’s fellow soldiers- alongside Peggy went back inside, leaving you standing alone, tears running down your face outside of the chapel where your dearest sister just married your one true love.

He will never be satisfied.

I will never be satisfied.

[gold3nfics]

Anachronism {Chapter One}

Author's Note: So this is my first written work on here, and I am really excited about this story! This chapter was really just to allow you guys to gain insight into what the story is about and who the boys are. I promise you that Y/N will make an appearance in the next chapter :)

Word Count: 3,814

Our story begins with one man, a man who went by the name Haneul.

Haneul was admired and sought out by many for not only his sharp attributes, but also his magical abilities. He came from a long line of sorcerers before him who had served and protected the realm he resided in.

While he was the one to keep everyone safe, many wondered why he refused to assume leadership, or even live in the nicer part of the land. Instead of living in luxury and riches, he chose to live in the forest away from the bustle of the town solely because he preferred the quiet lifestyle compared to one where many would invade his space and distract him.

One early morning, he woke to frantic knocking at the door of his small cottage.

“Hello?” he opened the door to find that it was one of the royal guards.

“Your presence is requested at the castle immediately.” the young guard says with urgency evident in his voice.

“What happened?” Haneul says now concerned,

“The queen, we believe it is time.”

He grabs his medical supplies and jumps into the carriage heading towards the castle. Once they arrive, Haneul is immediately taken to the royal chambers to begin his work.

Upon entering, his eyes immediately caught sight of the queen writhing in pain surrounded by many servants trying to relieve the pain she was feeling. He approaches the queen with a reassuring smile on his face,

“And how is this young beauty doing?”

“She is not at her best right now.” the queen responds with a weak smile. Haneul releases a sigh of amusement then asks her for permission to check her dilation, after she nods he checks and realizes it is time.

“You, my queen, are about to be a mother in a matter of minutes,” he looks to the servants “bring me warm towels and water.” The servants leave and he focuses on the queen, “I am going to need you to push, but not too hard alright?” She nods and begins to push.

After only seven pushes, the baby is out and the sorcerer carefully wraps the child in a blanket, “Would you like to hold your son my queen?” he says without looking away from the child. When there was no answer, he glances up only to see her going in and out of consciousness.

He immediately hands the baby off to one of the servants and examines her only to find that she has lost too much blood. He does everything he could to revive her, yet she has already passed. He bows his head in shame while holding her cold hand and apologizes, part of him hoping her soul is still lingering around to hear.

Now, there was indeed a ritual he could have done to revive her; however, it is forbidden being that it is far too dangerous to bring a soul back from the underworld.

He stands back with his head hung in sadness, “Alert the king at once.” Just as the servants were gathering to cover the queen's body and filtering out, he approached the servant holding the tiny prince, “May I take him? I need to examine him.” the servant nods and leaves the room.

As he seats himself in a chair behind a divider on the other side of the chambers, he gently looks over the child for any issues. Just as he was almost finished, the child stirs in his slumber raising his small hand to rub his eyes. As the child does this, Haneul catches sight of a white circle on the inside of the child’s hand, at first glance, it appeared as if it was glowing.

Haneul furrows his brows, gently tracing his fingers over the mark. “What is this little guy?”

As he moves to look closer, the servant comes back to collect the young prince to give to the king. He slowly gives away the child and he is soon left to himself to think about what that mark meant. He decides to shake the thought out of his head, and just travel home to rest.

As he rides home on the carriage, he mourns the passing of the young queen. He was quite fond of her, just as everyone else in the realm was. She was not only beautiful, but was also very caring. She would always make jokes and tease others just to have them feel entertained.

Her husband is bound to be heartbroken, he thought in his head. It was no secret the king had worshiped the ground she walked on; not that she didn’t deserve it. The number of times Haneul had overheard the young couple whispering childish jokes to each other, and them arguing over tedious matters were more than he could count. It will be hard to find a woman as kind and unique as she was. I hope her son takes after her. Haneul smiled sadly at this thought.

* * *

As the years passed, Haneul noticed that there have been more and more children who were born with the same white mark that the young prince had. There had been seven boys born throughout the past few years, all of which were born with the same mark and had lost their mothers during childbirth.

“Godammit!” Haneul yells in frustration as he slams his fist onto the table. The table was cluttered with scrolls, books, odd writings, and drawings that even Haneul didn’t even remember taking out. The stressed sorcerer moves over to his bed and faceplants directly onto his pillow.

Not only was he tasked with acting as a teacher to the young prince, keeping the people safe, and being one of the main healers; but he also took it upon himself to figure out what was going on with the seven boys who shared the same mark.

He may have been tired, stressed, and confused; but most importantly, he was worried.

Haneul was a man who believed that there was a reason for everything; death, births, happiness, sadness, there were reasons for all of it. Therefore, he knew that there was a great purpose that followed the seven young boys with the peculiar markings.

* * *

“He follows him as if he was a stray and he threw him a bone. I am surprised Namjoon hasn’t grown irritated.” the young woman says with a tired smile.

“Well Namjoon is quite patient, and I feel that he's the one to keep Jungkook out of trouble,” Haneul responds while packing up his things, “and Yuna, do not forget they both need to meet at my home before dawn.”

“The others will be there, right?” Yuna asks with a glimmer of concern in her eyes,

Haneul grabs her hand as a way to comfort her and stares into her eyes, “They will be there Yuna, they have no choice.” he turns his head to look at the two young men joking around and skipping stones across the foggy pond, “For now, just spend time with the two of them. Okay?”

Yuna’s eyes filled with tears, “Okay, thank you Haneul.”

“Of course” Haneul smiles and bows respectively before departing and starting his journey home.

Haneul has aged considerably throughout the last 20 years, his hair had become greyer and his eyes duller; but his mind and heart were still drawn towards helping people, and to the seven boys with the odd mark, and after many years, he found the answer.

A few months before now, Haneul had stumbled across an old poem.

The world is calm and crops are ripe

Yet underneath its surface lays a darkness waiting to strike

When the circles of seven come to light, so will come a long and frozen fight

A being will propose an idea that the seven circles will see as an answer to end the fight

It is up to the seven circles to decide what path they take, and which is for light and dark

The answer lays at the heart of the one who descends from pure light, for their heart and the seven circles must all reunite

After reading the poem he realized the importance of the young men The poem itself acknowledges a traumatic event that will happen in the time that they are alive, yet it had been months since he found the writing and nothing has happened. However, Haneul knew that something was coming and he came to realize what that was.

You see, two nights prior Haneul had a vision. The vision was not clear, yet it showed a figure whose presence exuded sadness and wisdom. All the figure did was deliver a message that was the following,

“In two days, a frozen death will fall upon your realm. Those seven under the protection of the circle will survive; while all the others will temporarily perish. They will be presented with information that involves seeking another being of pure light to end the frozen death. However, there are two paths they could take with this, but only one being the right one. Do not let them fall into trickery, for that will be their downfall and everything will cease to exist if the wrong path is taken.” and with that, the vision was no more.

Waking from his vision, Haneul knew that he must gather the boys and prepare them for what was to come.

* * *

As Haneul waited for the boys to arrive he put together all of his writings, they were not much but they gave small insight on what was to come. Just as he finished up sorting everything, he caught sight of lanterns and heard the sound of multiple footsteps outside his home.

“Jungkook, if you do not stop stepping on the back of my boots I swear I’m gon-” the voice was cut off by a loud laugh, “What are you going to do Jin? Send your one of the so-called guards after him?” a lazy voice replies.

“Oh that’s rich, coming from a farmer.” a cocky-toned voice chimed in.

“What is that supposed to mean Jimin?” a new deep voice says back, “Guys! Stop it, Haneul is probably hearing everything and I am pretty sure the last thing we want is to embarrass ourselves in front of him.”

Haneul had heard everything; and the last voice was right, they were embarrassing themselves. But the older sorcerer had been rather entertained by their interactions. Putting a sly smile on his face, he opened the front door coming face to face with seven men whose faces varied from shock, embarrassment, to dumbfounded.

“You boys have not changed much, have you?” he crosses his arms and leans against the doorframe. Namjoon forms a tight-lipped smile, “I am afraid not sir.”

Haneul gestures for them to come in, “Well, let’s not waste any more time.”

Once the boys were led in and settled into Haneul’s study, they began to ask questions. “So why are we here?” Jin asks while the others looked at Haneul.

Haneul looked at them and sighed before speaking,

“Have you ever wondered why you all have those marks on your hands?” Silence.

“Why all of your mothers passed away during your births?” Silence again.

Haneul notices the confused expressions and continues, “Well I did. I knew that there was a reason for those markings and,” he stands and gets a small book, “I found the reason why.”

Haneul gives the book to Namjoon and takes a seat in front of them.

“I spent years gathering, reading, and learning everything about what is just so special about you boys, and all of the knowledge that I have gained can be found in that journal. You boys are a part of what is known as the circle.” The boys look at him expectantly, waiting for him to explain more.

“There was a tale that spoke of seven men being born with the same markings that you boys have. They all possessed special abilities that varied with each one of them. These men used their powers to protect those of their realm and were the ones to keep balance within their realm. However, as time had passed tensions had risen between the seven and because of it, a big fight had happened. Their fight had destroyed not only their bonds, but also ended many people's lives. No one knew the true reason why the fight had happened, but many did not wish to know. Because many innocent people had died as a result of the fight, the people, who were the ones that the seven had sworn to protect, had seen the seven protectors as dangerous and a threat. So they decided to kill them.”

Jimin perks up and scoffs, “I doubt their attempts would have worked, you said they had powers right?”

“Jimin,” Namjoon said, “be quiet and let him continue.”

“Anyways, one of the seven had been informed about the people’s plan to assassinate them and told the other six. That night they had decided to willingly sacrifice themselves, and their lives, to no longer cause suffering and sadness among their people. Now, it seems that the gods have decided to pass on the tale by blessing you seven with the marks.”

“So, we are now the protectors of our realm?” Seokjin asks in a tone that gives the impression he is not thoroughly convinced.

The older man sighs, “Yes, and I know this sounds odd but-”

Yoongi cuts him off laughing, “Haneul, please. We are not people of importance, except for Jin and Jimin. Most of us have grown up struggling and some despising one another. Now you say that just because we have similar marks, and our mothers are dead, it makes us special?”

“Yoongi hear him out, you-”

“Oh Jungkook please, we are nothing and have been nothing for most of our lives.”

“Yoongi,” Haneul starts, “you do not have to believe me right now. None of you do, but something is about to happen and you need to understand what to do.” He gives Namjoon the poem that he had found, which related to the prophecy of the seven who all sat before him.

“After finding that poem, I had a vision where a figure appeared to me and spoke of a ‘frozen death’ that will fall upon our people.” the boys' faces grow concerned, “To end it and bring back the balance of our realm, you boys are to venture outside our realm, find a certain being, and bring them back here.” the boys erupt with multiple questions in response.

“Wait, how do you travel outside our realm?”

“How do we know it's them?”

“What do we do once we find them?”

“What about our families?”

It seems that after that last question, everyone grew silent. Taehyung’s eyes had begun to grow watery, “What about my dad? Will he be okay?”

Haneul grew somber, “Your families, as well as everyone here, will be okay with whatever happens while you are searching for the being. However, their lives depend on what path you take once you are all back here together. In the book that I gave you, it tells you how to get to and from the realm in which the being lives.”

Haneul gets up and notices that the sun is almost up. “I do not have much time, but there is one last thing.” he turns towards the boys, “My vision also said that you would be approached with an idea and to be awar-” Haneul’s breathing had grown rapid as he fell to the ground while clutching his heart.

“Haneul!” Junkook had yelled before getting up and running towards him along with the rest of the boys. “Can you hear me? Haneul?” Namjoon asks while kneeling beside him, feeling for a pulse.

His breathing starts to slow down and he reaches out to grasp Namjoon’s hand; the boys are shocked to see a layer of frost had begun to form around his hand slowly moving up his arm.

“B-be caref-ful, d-do not allow yourselves t-to be fooled. Trust your h-hearts and e-each other. Rememb-ber,” Haneul moves his gaze towards the book he had given now in the grasp of Jungkook, “everything is i-in that b-book.” and with that, the frost overcomes his body and his breathing stops.

The boys stood in shock as the man, who had been a role model for all of them and helped so many people, become absorbed by ice and had fallen into a death-like sleep.

Namjoon stands up and takes the book that was in Jungkook's hands, and he began to head out of the house. “Where the hell do you think you’re going?” Jin exclaims following after him.

“To do what we’re supposed to do. I am going to find a way out of this realm, find who I need to find, and do whatever I need to do to get everyone back.” Namjoon states without stopping.

Yoongi scoffs, “You? In case you don’t remember, Haneul said ALL of us have to work together to resolve this, not just you.” Namjoon stops and turns and furrows his brows, “Weren’t you just going on about how you don’t believe in any of this and how we couldn’t do anything?”

“Yes, but that was before I saw Haneul become a block of ice. I still don’t believe we have powers, that seems rather far-fetched.” Yoongi crosses his arms, “Are you saying that Haneul is a liar?” Jin challenges.

“Not entirely.” Yoongi replies in a cold tone, “I am more confused than anything, I mean how the hell are we supposed to know who this being is once we enter their realm?” Everyone is silent, and Namjoon sighs in defeat, “Does anyone have any idea?” Yoongi asks with frustration evident in his tone.

“I have an idea.”

The boys all turn towards the front of Haneul’s house and see a young woman leaning against the doorway. Jimin steps in front of all of them with a hand on his sword, “Who the hell are you?” the woman raises her hands in defense and smiles calmly,

“My name is Ara, I am a friend of Haneul. It would be best not to harm someone who is here to help you.” The boys grow suspicious and Hoesok speaks up, “Haneul didn’t mention you.”

Ara lowers her hands “He didn’t need to,” she tilts her head glancing at all of the boys, “did you really think that he was the only magical being?”

She snaps her fingers and Jimin’s sword appears in her hands making the boy move forward to retrieve it, “Look, I am not here to harm you, and you having a weapon against me will not solve anything.” She moves her wrist to make an invisible force push Jimin onto the ground. Some of the boys stifle a laugh upon seeing the young guard get huffy and brush off his clothes.

“Your marks.” Ara states, the boys look at her in confusion.

Namjoon looks at her, “What? What do you mean by our marks?”

“Your marks, they will help you find who you are looking for.” Ara leans back and looks at him lazily, “Your marks are similar to magnets, they will lead to one another due to their bonds. As for what you need to do with the being once you get them back here; you must bring you eight and your marks to me to restore the balance.”

Jungkook grows confused, “Why would we do that?”

Taehyung steps forward “Yeah, and what about the story?” Ara furrows her brows, “What story?”

“The one about the seven men who were marked and the protectors of their realm.” Taehyung pauses, “There were seven men in the story and now you're telling us that there are eight?”

Ara stills and sighs while her expression grows serious, “Do you know why your people have frozen into a deep sleep?” The boys shake their heads, “Because there were only supposed to be seven of you, seven protectors. But it appears that an eighth being has been born with the mark as well; however, they are not of this realm meaning that your bonds are not entirely connected. It was a mistake, so you boys and them must come back here and break the bond from them, and then peace and life will be restored.” Ara finishes.

The boys are silent for a moment as if to fully grasp the information they had just been given. “So we travel, find, and bring back the being, then you will break the bond?” Jin asks, “Yes.” Ara responds with a comforting smile.

“And everyone will come back perfectly fine?” Taehyung asks in a hopeful tone. “Yes, everything will go back to how things were before. Except for you now being the protectors of this realm.”

“Wait, what about our powers?” Ara turns her head towards Jungkook, “Aren’t we supposed to have powers?”

Ara grins mischievously, “You will need to figure that out on your own, your guy’s powers will come to you naturally.” She stands, “For now, you boys must travel and find the being.” Ara gives Jimin his sword back and begins to walk away towards the path that leads to their town.

“Where are you going?” Namjoon asks and Ara stops and turns. “Someone has to make sure things here remain okay until you get back.”

“Wait a second!” Hoseok yells out, “Why aren’t you frozen? I thought everyone in this realm would fall into a frozen sleep?” Upon hearing this the boys got curious and all stared at her. Ara’s face grew serious, “Because I am not of this realm.” and with that, she vanished into thin air.

The boys all stand there in silence. Namjoon turns his gaze to the book and opens it trying to find out how to transfer them out of their realm.

“I found it,” the boys look towards him, “the book says that we must join hands and visualize the portal into existence.”

“Yeah right, I’m not holding any of your hands.”

“Oh shut up and take my hand Jimin.” Jin says annoyed while grabbing both Jimin and Taehyung’s hands.

“Alright, everyone close your eyes,” Namjoon states and closes his own, “okay now focus on visualizing the portal.”

“How do you even visualize?”

“It’s like imagining, but more detailed.”

“That's confusing, and it also sounds hard”

“Shut up Jimin!” Everyone says while Jimin sighs dramatically.

After a few moments, the seven men felt their marks stinging slightly and a large gust of wind had blown in front of them. Once they all opened their eyes, they saw a large circle of light in the middle of all of them.

Namjoon steps forwards and looks to the rest of the boys, “Here goes nothing.” and with that, they all walk through the portal.

[sulphuryasecretcloset]

Leo’s (Leave-it) backstory

It is the day after her 21st Life Day that Leo’s mother, Kesara, goes into labour and nearly does not live to see her 22nd.  Anything that can go wrong goes wrong and her husband, Aslan, is a horrified witness to the screams and the terrifying amount of blood. But despite the agony and the heart-breaking message that there will be no more children after this, Kesara holds her son in her arms and her heart is bursting with love as she declares it was worth it. Leo has his daddy’s fair hair and her eyes. He’s screaming and squirming, healthy and full of life. He is absolutely perfect.

Aslan gathers them both close and kisses her lips before he leans down to place a gentle kiss on his son’s head. He’s never been happier.

Their family is tiny and poor, but rich in love. Their worn-down and modest home is filled with smiles and warm hugs and fond memories that will linger with their son for the rest of his life.

Aslan spends most of his hours below ground working in the mines and so Kesara has to bring her toddler along to her work place; the canteen next to the yawning opening in the black mountain into which her husband and over half the town disappear every morning.

The adults in the canteen are all busy working so the slightly unattended children are quick to seek each other out and Leo makes several friends there. Harro becomes his best friend. Then Meeyoahn. And then Livia. Every stranger is a potential friend to Leo. Everything new is exciting. He doesn’t have many toys but that only gives room for his imagination. Life is rich with possibilities.

Leo is six years old when play time is over and he gets to start working in the mines with his father. He’s so excited he can barely sleep the night before the big day.

His father is his hero. Aslan is tall and strong and charming and everyone swoons over his good looks, yet all he cares about is Leo’s mom and Leo.

“I got lucky when she agreed to marry me,” he tells Leo over dinner once, glancing over at his wife with a mischievous grin, “because she had her aim set on Fasa.”

“Uncle Fasa?” Leo asks, eyes wide with surprise. He barely remembers his father’s brother who died in the mining accident last year.

“That’s right.” his father says with a grin, even more amused by the huff from his wife. “It took me ages to persuade her to go out with me.” He lets out of couple of soft coughs.

“I think on some planets they call it stalking.” Kesara points out with a wry smile of her own, waving a finger their way. She doesn’t cough as much as her husband. Not yet, at least. “And don’t teach our boy to become like one of those pushy jerks who can’t take no for an answer.”

Nodding, his father turns his attention over to Leo. “Going after what you want is fine, Leo, don’t be afraid to fight for what you want, but never force it. You can’t force love, okay?”

Leo nods, even if he’s not entirely sure what they’re talking about. He figures he will understand one day. When it comes to love, his parents are the experts. He’s eager to follow in their footsteps.

And he starts by doing so quite literally.

Going into the darkness of the mines is scary at first. Leo tightens his grip on his father’s hand but when his father looks down at him with a comforting smile, he doesn’t feel afraid any more. Leo grins. He can do this. He’s a big boy now.

For some reason, his father’s eyes are sad.

The work is hard, the air is difficult to breathe and Leo can’t help but to notice how everyone is coughing down there. Still, Leo is proud to help bring more credits to their home. If he works hard enough maybe his parents won’t have to? That would be a good thing. And Leo quickly gains more friends as he gets to know the other youngsters working in the mines, which is an excellent thing!

Suppa Li becomes his new best friend.

Life is good.

-

Leo and Calleah have known each other for years but after his tenth Life Day, they decide to become boyfriend and girlfriend. Leo is ecstatic.

It lasts for two months before Calleah decides she want to be Mayne’s girlfriend instead. (Mayne is two years older than them and almost grown up.) Leo is heartbroken.

“What did I do wrong?” Leo asks his mother, tears in his eyes and the taste of mine-dust in his mouth.

“You didn’t do anything wrong.” Kesara replies, cupping his face between her hands and placing a gentle kiss on his forehead. “Some relationships aren’t meant to last. It’s her loss, Leo. You just keep being you and someone really special will come along one day. A lucky someone, because they get to have the sweetest boy in the entire Galaxy by their side.”

Sniffling, Leo knows his mother would never lie to him and finds comfort in her words. He likes the thought of finding someone really special. Calleah wasn’t special, now that he thinks about it.

Leo is twelve years old the first time he sees Them up close. By now Leo doesn’t only know how to work in the mines but also why it is important that they do: to keep the Imperial fleet flying. The minerals they mine is necessary for the production of their war ships and occasionally the Empire will stop by to check on the status of the mines.

The sight of the men in the dark, expensive looking uniforms and the soldiers in the pristine white armour makes quite the impression on Leo. He stares with wide-eyed awe. They look amazing; strong, fearless and badass.

Leo’s father shares his admiration for these people. Aslan tells Leo about how this planet had been nothing but a half-forgotten farming outpost before the Empire brought their technology and started up the mines. They had brought industry to the planet, given them an important role to play in the Empire and rewarded them with their protection. Other planets were not as lucky.

Soldiers of the Empire, especially the stormtroopers, brings peace and prosperity wherever they go.

But not even the fancy officers or cool looking soldiers can prevent accidents from happening. Mayne and two other boys are killed when a part of the roof in the new tunnel collapses and Leo has to help dig them out. And they are just three among many who die in the mines, either due to accidents or because of the cough. Everyone fears the cough. They tried to send droids down to work the mines, but the dust eats away at their wiring and it is too expensive to replace.

His parents coughs goes from being a familiar sound that almost is a bit comforting to giving Leo a sense of dread. Especially as his father’s cough worsens drastically after Leo turns fifteen.

There is no cure. Leo knows that. Most of his friends have lost one or both parents, plus dozens of relatives, even some siblings, to the cough. But his father has always been so strong, he is the strongest man Leo knows, surely he can defeat this.

Living surrounded by death makes Leo even more determined to enjoy life, as it is becoming painfully clear to him that you should never take it for granted. Tomorrow is a hope, not a promise.

So Leo laughs and jokes with his father as they work in the darkness. He helps his mother with the chores in the house so she can have some free time for once. And he learns to ignores sleep so he can sneak out and have fun with his friends. There is a lot to learn from the other kids in the mines.

Davno appears one day with credits that he spends on buying treats in the canteen and shares with the rest of the kids. Leo is delighted but also a little confused as the guy had complained about not having a single credit only yesterday. That is when Leo learns that the Lords and the Ladies above, the ones who do not work in the mines, are sloppy and careless with their fortunes and while his parents have taught him never to steal, he figures it can’t hurt to ‘borrow’ a little from the people who don’t even notice it is gone or care when they do. He only does it when he realizes his family won’t be able to buy enough food that month or need something that is not in the budget. It’s not a nice thing to do, Leo knows that, but what his parents don’t know won’t hurt them. And they never learn the truth as he’s never caught. Leo’s light touch always goes unnoticed and his parents remain blissfully oblivious and a little less stressed as they appear to have more credits than they thought.

Partying is another thing Leo turns out to be very skilled at. That and sweet-talking girls. He means to save anything more than kissing and a little petting to that special person he’s supposed to meet, but after his sixteenth Life Day celebration; Ximma tugs him into a room and while she doesn’t love him and Leo isn’t in love with her, she is beautiful and they’ve been good friends for years. And after, as he lies panting with a dazed grin on his face, Leo decides that enjoying life is indeed important and he’d definitely be enjoying life very much by getting as much of that as possible.

Ximma welcomes him a couple of more times over the next months, but then they part ways as amiably as they’d found each other and Leo eagerly jumps into the next willing arms.

Life is good.

But it doesn’t last.

Aslan manages to battle against his fate for another year but not even the strongest man Leo knows is stronger than the curse of the cough. It’s the worst day of Leo’s life when he ends up having to watch his father die. It’s beyond horrible. Leo wakes up screaming with terror for months after. His mother cries and cries and continues to cry.

When the tears eventually do dry up, Kesara is never the same. Her eyes lose their sparkle and the only one who can make her smile is Leo. They both miss Aslan so much it hurts.

Leo takes care to make sure his mother doesn’t find out that her son has started to cough as well… He can’t add to her worries.

And because he doesn’t want to think about the way his father had died; Leo glues a smile on his face. People don’t ask questions if they think you’re happy. Once they see him smile, they assume everything is fine.

-

Leo is approaching his nineteenth Life Day when he pauses by the man in a military uniform talking to the crowd of people gathered in front of the mines. The Empire is recruiting again. It’s been two years since last time and he hadn’t been old enough back then. Harro had joined, though. And several others that Leo had grown up with.

“Join the army and help the Empire spread peace and prosperity to the rest of the Galaxy.” The man declares in a loud voice. His uniform doesn’t have a single wrinkle in it. There’s not even a speck of dust on it, as if even the particles in the air have too much respect to land on him. “There are still groups set on tearing down what we have all worked so hard to create. These monsters will not stop until they have taken everything away from you; your credits, your land and your life. The Empire is keeping you safe, now it is your chance to help others. And get paid handsomely while doing so.”

Tilting his head, Leo thinks about all the tales he’s heard about the other planets out there while he was working in the darkness of the mine. What better way to see new places than travelling there to help them improve their lives? Protect the weak. And get paid while doing so?

A group of stormtroopers march by and Leo watches them with keen interest. They look so cool in their pristine armour, holding their intimidating weapons and wearing the now familiar helmet. They look like heroes.

That evening, Leo prods at his dinner and works up the courage to talk to his mother.

To his relief, his mother is quick to support his idea. “If that is what you want, Leo, then do it.” She even manages to conjure up the first smile he’s seen from her in weeks.

Leo is relieved, yes, but he also finds himself hesitating. “Will… Will you be okay?” The training will take no less than three years and she will have no one but her friends to keep her company without her husband and son there.

Kesara nods with a mild expression in her eyes. “I’ll be fine, Leo.” She reaches out and cups the side of his face with her hand. Her skin feels rough. “Go save the Galaxy.”

That is how Leo finds himself standing in the building where they assess the ones wanting to sign up to join the army. The walls of the room is decorated with posters showing stormtroopers and army soldiers in all kinds of heroic poses and dramatic situations. He feels both eager and nervous.

A doctor and a stern looking nurse are waiting for him him a small room and they order him to strip down to his underwear.

“Shouldn’t we get to know each other a little first before we start taking our clothes off?” Leo jokes.

They don’t laugh.

A quick examination results in them nodding and making approval sounds at his general physique. Leo knows he’s in good shape thanks to him being set to moving rocks in the mines, but uneasy tension curls up in his belly when he sees them dwell over the results on their medical scanner.

“You have,” the doctor says some weird word that Leo doesn’t understand and upon seeing his blank face, the doctor then uses a different word, “Miner’s Lung. Early stage.”

“Does…” Leo has to clear his throat. “Does that mean I can’t join?” He’d known he’d caught the cough, but he’d hoped the army wouldn’t find out. Stupid. Of course they would find out. These people are no fools. They know everything and he’s just a stupid miner boy. Stupid!

The doctor sighs and looks over at him, his eyes trailing over Leo’s torso with a thoughtful frown. “You will need medication to keep it in check. Like most of the recruits from this place. The army will provide it but it will be deducted from your monthly pay. And you will be required to agree to… tests when available.”

Relief and apprehension both flood Leo. He’s relieved the cough won’t exclude him entirely, but… Medicine is expensive. They couldn’t afford his father’s medicine more than once. If the medicine will claim most of his paycheck, Leo can’t go. He needs to be able to send credits back to his mom. He doesn’t care about being a hero if he can’t make sure his mother has food to eat. “How much will the medicine cost...?”

To Leo’s disbelief, the doctor tells him the amount of credits he’ll earn in a month, which is what his dad earned in six months, and that the medicine will be about twenty percent of that. Stars above, Leo is going to be a hero ‘and’ rich! “Where do I sign?” Leo grins.

“You are saying you wish to join the army?” The doctor drawls.

“No.” Leo replies, still grinning. “I’m going to be a stormtrooper.” He’s not just going to be a soldier. He wants to be among the very best.

-

It’s horribly depressing to leave his mother behind. Leo is heartbroken when he has to say goodbye that morning, after they had spent the entire previous evening going over happy memories and planning for a bright future. He glances around at the dust-covered and colourless town he’d grown up in, sees the yawning entrance to the mine in the distance, and is sad to leave that behind as well.

When the door slides shut behind him and Leo sits down next to another recruit, he tells himself that being sad won’t help and so he smiles to the guy by his side and introduces himself.

Arless becomes Leo’s new best friend.

The Academy is an awesome place. Leo loves it. There are so many people there, he makes so many new friends every day that he’s struggling to keep up with the names, and the handful of jerks trying to make things difficult for him or others are quickly put in their place with hard punches and strategic kicks. Every evening brings a new party or some kind of social gathering and more people to meet and greet. Style is his first military girlfriend and Leo is convinced he’s in love. He changes his mind when he finds her in the arms of another guy and vows to never get into a relationship ever again.

Tersa Maya is the name of his next girlfriend and they have a pretty good ride until she decides to quit the army and go back home. Leo is disappointed in her lack of resolve.

As the months trickle by, the weaker candidates are weeded out and groups are fused together as they become smaller and smaller until they are meant to be only the highest quality of recruits.

Leo is a bit amused at how some struggle under the physical requirements. Here they train for seven or eight hours and have pretty much the rest of the day to themselves if they aren’t on some training exercise. Back home, Leo usually had twelve to sixteen hours shifts in the mine.

Once a week he goes to the medical facility and they drain his blood before deciding whether he needs medicine or if they can postpone it to next week.

Life is good.

Among his fellow recruits there are some who catches Leo’s attention more than others. One of them is a quiet guy called Kiergan. Leo notes how he always keeps his cool during the tests their instructors put them through and will come up with a plan that gets them to the finish line with as few ‘casualties’ as possible. He becomes Leo’s next best friend and seems a little puzzled by this.

Kiergan talks a bit more when it is just the two of them and Leo learns about his brothers, how the army is as much about getting away from his family as to help others, and that Leo never has to worry about his girlfriends around him. He’s awesome, tough and strong and honourable, just like Aslan, and Leo trails after him like a Corellian puppy.

Leo sends messages home as often as he can. He sends his entire paycheck, minus costs for the medicine, as the Academy feeds and houses him. And he can always find some fun that doesn’t cost anything. People here are a LOT more uptight than back home and it is downright hilarious to prod at subjects that has them squirming with embarrassment. The less they want to talk about a harmless subject, the more Leo asks about it.

“Stars above, just leave it alone!” “Can’t you just leave it?” “Are you bringing that up again? Leave it!” “For the love of… leave it, okay?!” The words ‘leave it’ are repeated so many times that one instructor jokingly asks if that is his name and all of his friends start calling him that.

It’s awesome, Leo’s never had a nickname before. He adopts his new name with relish.

At the start of their second year, Leo is surprised by how many more recruits decide to drop out. No wonder they have three years of training if they have to deal with so many quitters. But he’s delighted by two events; Livia from back home appears as a first-year grunt, having decided to join the army, plus Leo and Kiergan are placed together in the newly formed Squad 2.

“That one.” Kiergan says one day, nudging Leo and nodding towards one of their fellow recruits. “Too good to be green. Gotta be a mercenary or a street fighter or something.”

Leo looks over and takes in the sight. It’s a young woman with red hair that is shaved on one side of her head and shoulder-length on the other side. Her dark eyes are filled with angry determination as she punishes a punching bag for whatever plays inside her mind. She’s quite intimidating. Nice.

That very evening, Leo drags Kiergan along to a gathering and doesn’t hesitate when he sees the redhead there as well. “Come on. Let’s go say hello.” Ignoring Kiergan’s stuttered objections, Leo saunters over and puts on his biggest grin. “Hi, my name is-”

“I know who you are.” She cuts him off and looks at him with a drily raised eyebrow. “I’ve heard a lot about you.”

Leo winks at her. “Only good things, I hope?” Her neutral hum says it can’t be too bad, whatever she’s heard. He goes for it. It’s been months since he’s had a girlfriend. “How about we go out on a date and you can make up your mind about me yourself?”

The redhead almost smiles. “Sorry. You’re not my type.”

Ah, can’t win them all. Leo nods his defeat, but curiosity makes him ask: “Who is your type?”

She nods towards Kiergan. “That one.”

While Kiergan awkwardly scrambles for a polite way to get out of the situation, Leo and the redhead both start laughing.

“What’s your name?” Leo asks.

“Hauroko.” And her ‘type’ is a lot more complicated than that. She’s awesome.

-

Turns out that Hauroko had spent a year in the army before she decided to aim higher and go for the exciting life of a stormtrooper. She had not been pleased when they had tried to force her into becoming a medic after she showed promise in that direction, Hauroko wanted to fire blasters and get in on the action, and her refusing to simply do as told had resulted in the punishment of her having to take all three years of Academy training to be allowed into the ranks of the stormtroopers.

Turns out, she’s awesome too. Leo can’t believe his luck in finding such awesome friends.

Kiergan’s tactical mind combined with Hauroko’s combat skills makes their group far more efficient and successful than the others and soon they are, along with Leo and three other recruits, promoted to Squad 1. They are the highest ranked recruits of their year.

“To you!” Leo declares, standing by the table and holding up a cup to salute his two friends during their celebration. “Thanks to you two, we are now top dogs!”

Kiergan shakes his head with a faint smile but Hauroko gets up from her chair and grins at Leo. “You too, doofus. You helped too.”

A little drunk and very happy, Leo laughs. “To us!”

That Kiergan and Hauroko both have no trouble drinking to.

Occasionally the doctors want to try Leo on a different kind of medication as they say the one he’s currently using is too expensive and the effect will grow weaker until it won’t work at all. Leo doesn’t mind trying new stuff. Maybe one day they’ll find an actual cure and not just something to keep it at bay? Helping others on other planets will be amazing, but what if he can help cure the people back home? Now that would be something.

But it is not without risk. As Leo discovers when he has a nightmare that he’s drowning, only to wake up and realize it’s actually happening. Lying in his bed, he tries to draw air into his lungs but he can ‘hear’ the water bubbling as he tries to breathe and panics.

After being promoted to Squad 1, they had been shoved into the same bunk room and that is what saves Leo’s life. Hauroko knows what to do help him breathe and Kiergan runs to get help.

While it should be horribly painful when doctors ram the two drains into his lung in the emergency room, forcing the tubes in between his ribs, all Leo can focus on is the memory of his father dying and the intense relief when he can feel the water draining how it becomes easier to breathe. Leo passes out.

After that, it is kind of nice to open his eyes and see Kiergan asleep in a chair next to his hospital bed and feel Hauroko’s hand gently stroking his blond hair with more than a little affection.

Life is good.

He doesn’t mention these incidents to his mother. Leo suspects she worries enough and he notes that she never brings up her own cough either. They’re both excellent pretenders.

The third year is the toughest but also the most exciting. They really get to test their skills and their determination. Even Leo feels the pressure. The other three in their squad are rotated with other recruits based on their success and failure, but Leo, Kiergan and Hauroko remain permanently in Squad 1, best of the best, and that feels incredibly rewarding.

Leo is fairly certain that is why Pragona and Pigona, twin sisters, decide to be his girl friends, at the same time. It sounded awesome in theory but it doesn’t take long before he realizes that this is something that would never last and he carefully backs out of the agreement.

These years at the Academy is something Leo will always look back on with fondness. He has had some really good times there. And he gets to graduate with his two best friends who have now become more like family to him. Leo puts on the white armour and can’t stop grinning. His face aches from smiling so much but he can’t stop. He’s gone from a boy fumbling around in a dark mine to a hero about to help people in need. It’s like one of the fairytales his parents would tell him when he was just a kid. The second the official ceremony is over, the three jump into a group hug, laughing and hugging each other tight. They did it!

Leo, and everyone else, gets one week after graduation to do as they please before reporting for active duty that will last for at least a couple of years. And after the ship has landed on his home planet and opens the door to let him disembark, Leo’s heart nearly bursts with pride when he sees his mother standing there, waiting for him by the landing dock, smiling with tears in her eyes.

They hug each other for the longest time.

When Kesara finally pulls back, she reaches up and takes Leo’s face between her hands and keeps smiling through her tears. “You look so good.”

Leo knows he’s gained weight in all the right places after the nutritious army food and the strategic way they have had him train his body, plus the armour makes him look all buff. He brushes away a lock of her hair and notes with a sinking heart how much grey there is among the caramel coloured strands, as well as the exhausted lines in her face. “You too.” Leo lies. He pulls her close and hugs her again.

-

Leo makes sure he does what he can for his mother. She has a comfortable house, credits to spend and medicine to at least help if not cure her. It is once again pure agony to leave her when the week is up, but she walks him to where the ship is waiting and tells him once again how proud she is of him.

“Your father would be proud too.” Kesara adjusts his pauldron for a bit, dusting dust off his armour, smiling.

Leo hesitates. “Are you sure you will be okay?”

“I will be okay.” His mother reassures him for the fifth time that day. “Now, go save the Galaxy.” She says, a now familiar half-joke between them.

Walking away, Leo has to pretend he doesn’t hear her cough.

Leo is brought to a Destroyer and reunited with Kiergan, Hauroko and the others. The memory of his mother’s exhausted face makes it a little more difficult to smile, but the only one who see through his act is Hauroko and she has the decency not to mention it.

Diving into the work is a good way to stop thinking. Leo is thrumming with excitement when he puts on the armour and joins the squad in the hangar for his first mission. They are going to be on security duty for a senator attending a debate on one of the bigger Core planets and while it isn’t the action filled dream of Hauroko’s, Leo is just excited about finally contributing to the bigger cause. He doesn’t know much about big time politics, he’s not important like this senator guy, but Leo can help the good things to happen.

The crowds look at them as they march by with the same kind of awe and respect Leo had shine from his own eyes when he saw the stormtroopers on their home planet. He grins for the every second of the five hours he and his squad stand at attention while the senator and other politicians talk.

They get three hours of downtime before they have to return to the ship. Leo meets Kengee and she becomes his three-hour-girlfriend. All they do is talk and laugh over drinks and he’s giddy with joy when he saunters back to report in to his commanding officer.

Hauroko complains but Leo and Kiergan are both thrilled with the missions on the Core planets. She wants action but they love the easy work and the admirers that reach out to them.

Leo’s first brutal crash with reality is when they move away from the Core planets and instead of cheers, the stormtroopers are met with hostile glares and icy silence when they step off the ships and enter the cities. It’s a little harder to smile under those circumstances, but he does try to make the local people see that they are on the same side and spends his hours off-duty to win hearts and friends. It’s on one of these missions they see action for the first time when two vigilantes attack the prison transport they’re on. Leo realizes just how deep the training is drilled into him as he responds like a soldier and does what is needed and it’s only after it is over that he realizes how fast his heart is beating and the taste of fear on his tongue. It makes such a horrible impression on him that they can see it on his medical scan during his weekly doctor’s appointment.

It’s little over eight months after their graduation when they are sent into actual battle. Leo sees several of his squad members killed, he takes a hit to his arm and the helmet cannot muffle the explosions enough to prevent his ears from ringing for the two next days. Hauroko makes it a personal mission to avenge every fallen Trooper while Kiergan tries to keep the rest of them alive.

Stumbling back into the ship, dirty and bleeding, exhausted and grieving over his friends, Leo sits down between Hauroko and Kiergan. They put an arm each around him and that helps a little.

Whatever happens, they have each other.

An experimental drug starts off promising when they shoot it into Leo’s veins, but twenty four hours later he’s a shivering mess that can’t stop vomiting. It takes almost four days before it leaves his system and they can take him off the IV and he’s able to eat again.

Leo has just started his second year of active duty when he learns that Livia from back home got killed only a week after Harro got ripped apart by a terrorist bomb planted on the transport ship. He’s still reeling from these news when the worst possible message reaches him: his mother has passed away. This sends Leo crashing to his knees with a half-strangled sob. He can’t breathe and it is not because of the cough. Grief is choking him. Guilt too. She’s gone and she died all alone. He should have been there. He should have been there with her!

Kiergan kneels down next to him and gathers him in his arms. “I’m sorry, Leave-it. I’m so sorry.”

Leo wails.

Hauroko kneels down as well, placing her hand on his back. Her mouth tremble with emotion.

They are all the family he has now.

-

The life of a stormtrooper is not what Leo imagined it would be. Every combat means losing fellow Troopers that he’d come to know and care about. Every single time. And there are times when Leo fails to see the logic in the battle orders and wonders if the guys high up in charge just send them out to die during pointless missions.

Leo wouldn’t mind dying for a good cause, but it’s tough when the population of planets they visit, the ones they are supposed to protect and help, glare at them like ‘they’ are the enemy and even conspires with the rebel fractions to harm them.

He’s starting to understand why the veteran Troopers, who had startled him with their gruffness and brutality, act they way they do. Especially after he witnesses a rookie Trooper begging for mercy from some ruffian who manages to knock him down in an ambush and all he gets is a fatal blaster shot to his visor. Leo’s heart hardens. He will protect his friends. Kill or be killed, it’s as simple as that.

-Always be kind at first, his father had told him. -You can always kick ass later if they deserve it.

Leo kicks ass. And every battle he walks away from with Kiergan and Hauroko by his side feels like a reward.

The cough grows worse and Leo has his first experience where he can’t breathe at all due to his lungs being completely paralysed. The doctors are pleased that they can move on to stronger drugs.

It takes several years and countless harsh reality checks before Leo can admit to himself that the Empire is definitely not what he thought it was. Leo is left speechless when Hauroko reveals to him that the medicine he’s on, the one which can and could have helped so many people back home, is actually manufactured by the Empire and while the process costs barely anything, they still charge a fee higher than most back home can afford.

It’s a shock, but no matter how bitter it leaves him; there is nothing Leo can do about it.

And he can’t just quit the army either. His friends need him, if he’s not there to help keep them safe and they get killed; Leo would never forgive himself. Besides, they are his family now. He’s got no home to go to, his parents are gone, his other relatives are dead, and he’s going to die from the cough soon if a blaster shot doesn’t get him first. Kiergan, Hauroko and the other Troopers are all he’s got.

Leo stays and he fights. He makes new friends and mourns them when they die. He hopes every new girlfriend is The One, but they never are and either they break up or a blaster shot does it for them. It’s exhausting. His smile sometimes hurt more than the injuries he gets in the battles or the jabs from the doctor’s needles, but he keeps joking and flirting because it’s easier than feeling the pain.

It’s almost a bit funny how little he cares when the Empire is brought down and shatters into thousands of dangerous pieces. Leo is half-drowsing in a wobbly metal chair in the hangar of the chaos-ridden docking station they’re currently located in, while his squad stand around and argue about what to do next. Some want to leave, others call them cowards and are planning to stay.

“He needs meds.” Hauroko mumbles quietly to Kiergan, hoping Leo won’t hear them despite them standing right next to his chair. “It’s going to be difficult to get the credits to afford them if we…”

“Nu-uh.” Leo grins, without opening his eyes. “That is not your problem. I got it under control. You guys do what you want to do. Roger that?”

“Roger that.” Kiergan mumbles before giving a resigned sigh. “But I’m not going back home. No way.”

“I’m staying.” Hauroko declares. “The Empire will rise again. And I’ll be there when it does.”

Plus, they had all been informed early on in the Empire’s downfall by their superiors that defectors would be shot. Ironically, rumours say the rebels shoot Troopers on sight despite the war being over.

Leo frowns. Do they still qualify as ‘rebels’ after winning the war? Doesn’t that make the Troopers rebels now?

He never gets to finish the line of thinking as the doors to the hangar slide open and in marches a man surrounded by Death Troopers and other stormtroopers. The guy walks over to look at Leo’s squad with a hint of contempt and declares they all answer to him now.

Some don’t respond very well to that, the ones who wanted to leave, and Leo jumps to his feet when the Death Troopers simply shoot the two loudest objectors of his squad members. It stuns everyone.

Everyone except the stranger in the dark uniform. He smirks. And then he speaks: “My name is Moff Gideon. I have some very important work to do and you are going to help me. For the glory of the Empire. We are going to take back what they took from us and rebuild even stronger.”

There is a moment of silence, then wild cheer breaks loose. The relief in the air is euphoric. They are united again. They have a goal.

-

Moff Gideon is exactly what Hauroko has been dreaming about; a strong, ruthless leader. He scares the kriff out of Leo, but she is delighted and bucks even harder to succeed at every mission they’re sent out on.

The Galaxy is unstable after the fall of the Empire. A whole bunch of warlords are scrambling to pick up the pieces and gain as much power as possible to become the new Emperor, even while the New Republic sets up their government. Leo and the others find themselves fighting other Troopers following a different Moff than theirs as often as they butt heads with the New Republic.

One day Leo is surprised to find this horribly young kid milling around on the base, clutching his helmet, and looking awfully lost and confused. He wanders over. “Hey there. You lost?”

The kid gives a nervous laugh. “Y-yeah… Yeah, I think I am.” He rubs his neck. “I was told to report to… uhm… I was told to report to someone. I’m new here.”

His name is Michael and he’s adorable. It actually hurts Leo to see the boy still thinks the Empire can be saved and that they are the good guys. Just like Leo did at that age.

“Don’t worry.” Leo takes a hold of Michael’s shoulder and gives it a light squeeze. “I’ll look after you.”

He gets the boy to where he’s supposed to be, makes sure his squad leader takes him under his wing and at chow time, Leo introduces him to Kiergan and Hauroko. He even does his best to look after him in battle whenever their squads are in the same area.

Michael is awesome and he becomes the little brother Leo always wanted, something which he seems to welcome most happily. They get along like a TIE fighter on fire. It’s almost scary.

After almost a year, Leo is anything but pleased when Hauroko declares she’s been given a promotion and will be leading a squad of her own. She’s leaving them.

Okay, that means he can finally get Mikey into their squad room, but Leo is not pleased.

“Cheer up!” Hauroko laughs, sitting on her bunk and already eager to take charge. “We’ll still see each other.”

“It won’t be the same.” Leo mutters. He doesn’t like this. He doesn’t like it one bit. Them together has meant they’ve survived anything fate has thrown at them. If they split up, he dreads it might end badly.

It sucks that he’s right.

The word about Gideon’s cruelty is non-stop now. The man is unstable and incredibly dangerous. They hear he shoots Troopers for just being in the wrong place at the wrong time when he’s in a bad mood. There are whispers around children being kidnapped. Villages burned to the ground. Medical experiments. So when Mikey starts whispering to Leo about this CT-113 everyone is talking about, Leo is quick to shut him down. If Gideon hears that, he’ll shoot Mikey too.

But the boy just won’t shut up about CT-113. Especially after the traitor shoots Mikey in the leg and lets him live when he had every chance and reason to kill him. Leo orders Mikey to shut up.

The supply of food and credits have become unstable. There are times when Leo has to turn to old tricks and ease some credits out of the fancy people Gideon meets up with to discuss his ‘important work’. And create some fake requisitions for provisions.  He doesn’t get caught. He never does. It’s not a nice thing to do, but it means that he, Kiergan and Mikey have something to eat, at least.

And while Hauroko keeps her promise, she eats with them during chow time at the base and hangs out with them whenever she can, she still seems too pleased with her new role for Leo’s taste. She could at least pretend that missing them would make her a little sad. He snubs her a little by telling her it’s no longer any of her business when she asks about the results of his blood tests, but that only makes him feel guilty and he offers her his dessert as an apology. She accepts.

Leo’s dread about things going wrong finally comes true when they land on Nevarro and invade the city. Gideon wants to reclaim something, something some Mando stole from him, and he’s keeping some Mandos hostage to flush the thief out. Leo and Kiergan run like crazy with the other Troopers as the Mandalorians emerge from below the city like angry beasts to kill them all. It’s insane. A Mando with a huge cannon almost shoots his head off!

Leo survives against all odds with a nervous laugh, but soon he’s not laughing any more. Shock, horror and endless grief crashes over him when he sees Mikey’s body lying on the ground.

Mikey’s dead. Moff Gideon claims that CT-113 shot him, but that’s not true. Gideon killed him. And nearly breaks Leo. He knows he’s living on borrowed time, has accepted that he’s a dead man walking, but Michael? Michael had his whole life ahead of him. Mikey was kind and funny and… Mikey deserved to live!

-

Leo doesn’t even get to properly grieve his friend before tragedy strikes once again, shortly after and once more it is by Gideon’s hand.

Haing Ningh comes running to their room and informs Leo and Kiergan that an injured Hauroko is being brought to the medical bay at that very moment. She had lost her entire squad on a failed mission and gotten injured herself.

They sprint down to see their friend.

Leo is still numb from losing Mikey and feels nothing but a deepening resignation when he learns that her squad had been brutally cut down by Gideon in a fit of rage and quick reflexes had saved Hauroko from joining them in the afterlife. She is left with a nasty cut running down her cheek and over the side of her mouth. An eternal reminder.

Not that she’s likely to forget. Leo and Kiergan has to persuade her to return to their old room once the doctors release her from the medical bay and they take turns in trying to comfort her when Hauroko wakes up screaming as her mind replays the sight of her squad being murdered whenever she falls asleep.

This is when they break. All three of them. They can’t take it any more. This is not what they signed up for. They have to get out before Gideon kills them all.

But how? Where can they go? They will be hunted by both sides. Who could possibly understand what they’ve been through and not judge them?

There is one. Maybe. It’s a wild shot, but at least it is better than waiting for Gideon to kill them.

And that is how they decide to go for Mikey’s crazy dream: they decide to find CT-113.

It’s not easy and they hesitate when they finally manage to track down some vague rumours about a Razor Crest currently parked near a tiny village in the middle of nowhere, but desperation drives them and they steal a ship to make a run for it. (Kiergan steals it and Leo guides the apathetic Hauroko on board. She’s a ghost of her former self.)

They, against all odds, find CT-113. He’s surprisingly pretty and extremely nervous, though he does not hesitate to draw his blaster on them to defend this little kid he’s holding, but Leo doesn’t get to study him too closely before they’d suddenly fighting for their lives against a flipping Hutt, a twi’lek and a Mandalorian. It’s the most interesting first-meeting Leo’s ever had with someone.

It had been a huge gamble to seek out CT-113, but it pays off when he agrees to help them. With a little encouragement from the Mando by his side.

Relief makes Leo feel just how exhausted he is when he sits by the camp fire late that night, Kiergan and Hauroko on either side of him, and he plays with the idea of what to do next now that he has the freedom to do whatever he wants before the cough kills him.

Leo moves his gaze over to the hammock strung up at the treeline and sees the twi'lek dangling a well-shaped leg from it. Zev’sonya, was it? From what he'd seen of her, she was hot, but unfortunately, he suspects she would rather slit his throat than go anywhere with him.

Also, her pet Hutt would probably eat his corpse.

Staring into the flames, hearing Din and Corin talking nearby, Leo thinks about Mikey. He should have been here. Maybe Michael would have been here if only Leo had listened to him from the start.

Leo shivers.

Feeling him shiver, Kiergan slides an arm around him and Hauroko silently braids her fingers with his. Michael is gone, but they are still here. They had found Corin and just like Mikey had predicted, he is going to help them find their freedom too. Yeah, Michael would have loved this.

They name their little defector squad after him.

But the Hutt does not eat Leo. Turns out Mose is awesome, actually, and he becomes Leo’s new best friend. Which is a good thing because Leo grows more and more fascinated by the defensive and incredibly gorgeous Zev’sonya.

She’s not like anyone he’s ever met before. Leo is completely enthralled. He might have been scared away by the sneers she sends Leo’s way if not for the softness he sees in her eyes when she speaks to her friend. Her anger is clearly her protecting herself from others. There is hurt under that layer of rage. He can relate to that.

Leo has had his share of girlfriends, he’s not going to deny that, but this one? Zev’sonya? She’s special. And he’s going to win her heart because she already has his.

[mrsalwayswrite]

To Call Forth Love - Chapter 7

So this chapter is in Ivar’s POV. Kind of a glimpse as to see what is going on with him. Plus, its a great excuse to write some Floki/Ivar interaction. 

Warnings: swearing, implied violence, Ivar having boundary issues but that’s not new. 

Words: 4550

Tag List: @heavenly1927​ @youbloodymadgenius​ @zuxiezendler​ @punkrocknpearls​ @love-all-things-writing​ @southernbe​

Series Masterlist

"There you are, you crippled bastard. I've been looking everywhere."

 Ivar smirked, exhaling the cigarette smoke from his mouth, not even turning his gaze from the lights of the city beneath him. "How did you get up here? I thought your old, lazy ass wouldn't be able to handle it."

 Floki scoffed as he moved to stand next to his protégé. "Old, lazy ass. I may be old but I could still kick your ass if I wanted too."

 Wordlessly, Ivar pulled out his cigarette carton from his suit’s pocket, taking one out and handing it to Floki. He grabbed his lighter and held it out, open palm. When Floki did not immediately take it, he glanced over to see one of the people he trusted most, staring down at the cigarette spinning between his fingers. 

 "I won't tell Helga."

 Floki giggled. "You're a bad influence on me, boy." He took the lighter and lit his cigarette, handing it back over after. 

 The two stood silently for several minutes, leaning against the railing, overlooking the city. They were at the Ragnarssons Trading headquarters, one of the taller buildings in the heart of the city. The sound of humanity floated away to a hushed background noise with how high up they stood. The upper floors of the building were restricted access, being the main offices and meeting rooms of Ragnar, his sons and others deemed important. The lower floors housed the cesspool of asinine insubordinates, those that did their limited jobs and were easily replaced. Ivar avoided those floors, not just because of the stares, or the twittering females and few males who vied for attention from the Ragnarssons in hopes of snatching one up or thinking sleeping with them as an easy way to further their careers. No, he found them all boring and beneath him. With a single look, he knew what many of them wanted, they were so easy to read, to know their simple minds. It was pathetic. 

 So, when he did come to the headquarters, he immediately headed to the upper floors. He had an office next to Torstein that he used infrequently. Most of his work he could do remotely, a blessing due to his condition and his volatile temperament. When he had work that needed extra cyber security or to delve deeper into concerns, having the multiple monitors at his office and the ability to search out his father or brothers immediately came in handy. 

 The roof of the building was his favorite place to think and plan. No one came up here but more than that, he could see everything. The city, the surrounding water, everything. He wondered if this was what the gods felt like looking down on Midgard from Valhalla. 

 Ivar exhaled, the curl of smoke slipping from his lips. "Are you coming to the meeting?"

 Floki ran a hand over his tattooed head. "Your father asked for me to come."

 "Mmmm. Know what it's about?"

 "Probably the same old boring shit."

 They chuckled, still staring over the city. Out of the corner of his eye, Ivar could see Floki tug uncomfortably on the black business suit he wore. The only reason the shipbuilder ever wore anything remotely formal was when Ragnar demanded it….and coming to the headquarters fit into the category. Ragnar liked to say that if they wanted to be taken as serious businessmen then they needed to dress the part, and it was not too difficult to wash blood out of the suits. 

 The youngest Lothbrok leaned against the railing in a charcoal gray suit, his dark hair pulled back into a man-bun. He did not mind the formal attire as much, there was a sense of prestige and strength that came with it. On more than one occasion, he had been told he presented a striking figure and he liked to use that to his advantage. Whether it was terror or arousal that his figure caused depended on the person. He knew how to control them all. 

 A vibration had Ivar pulling out his phone to see a new text from Kari. He smiled softly at her cheeky response. When asked what she was doing tonight, she said she was taking a bubble bath and reading a book. He said he did not believe her and demanded a picture as proof she was actually taking a bubble bath like a child. Now he gazed down at an image of her feet peeking out of bubbles against a porcelain bathtub. The picture was so innocent yet sensual, just like his kitten. An innocent seductress. His cock began to stiffen at the lewd ideas running rampage through his mind at the simple picture. 

 With her picture came a text.

 Kari: You should try it sometime. It's very relaxing. 

 He snorted. There was no way in hell he would ever take a bubble bath, and he figured she probably knew it. 

 Ivar: the only way I'm gtn n2 a bubble bath is if u in there w/ me

 Grinning smugly, he could imagine the flush on her cheeks at his answer as he slipped his phone back into his pocket. 

 Floki's voice interrupted his thoughts. "You going to tell me about her?"

 Ivar did not answer right away, taking a drag from his cigarette and slowly exhaling it. "Nothing to fucking tell."

 "Hmmm…. I'd bet she is the only person you smile for like that."

 "Fuck…." He ran his hand over his mouth, before turning to lean his back against the roof's railing. Floki was right and clearly knew it if the sly look said anything. It made Ivar want to knock the smirk off the madman's face with his cane, which rested on the railing next to him. 

 "This isn't like Freydis, right?" Floki quietly inquired after several minutes of companionable silence. 

 "Gods, no. She is…." He found his words trailing off, unable to articulate what Kari meant to him. 

 Freydis had been a hope for someone more than just a fuck, someone who potentially cared for him. Unfortunately, he quickly realized that she may have cared for him, but she cared more for the status and money being in a relationship with him allowed. So, they used each other. She wasted his money on frivolous things, lavishing herself with stuff she would never dream of having otherwise. He used her for fucking and to have someone on his arm when they attended events, to silence the pitying looks from others and the comments that he did not know how to please a woman. 

 After ten months though, he found himself resenting her and their relationship. It was then he broke it off with her. She cried, supposedly heartbroken but he did not care. In the months following, she tried to worm her way back into his life but he slammed the door shut, uncaring of how cruel he appeared to others. He fucked other women or had them give him blow jobs, never even taking the time to remove his leg braces or pants. They meant nothing. They were nothing. 

 But all that changed a month ago when a woman with blue-green eyes and a sweet innocence about her bumped into him…. and then confused the hell out of him when she kissed him. 

 "What's her name?" Floki asked, tapping the ash off the end of his cigarette.

 "Kari." He answered, probably sounding far softer than he meant to. After, he tilted his head to look at his surrogate father, brow furrowed. "How'd you find out?"

 "The gods told me." At Ivar's unamused look, Floki giggled. "Your brothers. They said you have a new girlfriend."

 "She's not."

 "Mmmm?"

 He sighed. "My girlfriend. She's made that very fucking clear. She keeps saying she can't be my girlfriend or she doesn't want to date right now. It's fucking infuriating!" He ripped the cigarette from his mouth, throwing it on the ground. "I don’t…. I don't fucking understand. She always says we're just friends, but I know she wants more. Sometimes I can see it when she looks at me. I don't know what to fucking do!" 

 "Why are you still wasting time on her then? She sounds like she doesn't care. Just move on from the bitch."

 "Don't you fucking call her that! And she does care! More than most people." He snarled, fists trembling at his side. When Floki only smirked at him, Ivar rolled his eyes, anger slowly abating. He played into the old man's game easily. 

 Floki dropped his own half-used cigarette, eyeing Ivar curiously. "What is it about this girl?"

 "She…. fuck…. she sees me. Not a cripple. Not some rich guy she can fuck and get stuff from. She sees... she sees me. Just me. Like you and mother. I don't….no one has looked at me like that. There's always a motive, always an angle. But not with her." The words rolled off his tongue, a dam unleashed, as if begging to have been finally uttered, to share his thoughts aloud to make sense of them. With Floki, he knew his thoughts were safe, that the man would never cruelly make fun of him. 

 "You really care about this girl."

 Ivar did not answer, the truth already hung in the air as if painted in the sky for all to see.  

 Floki moved closer, wrapping his arm around Ivar's shoulder and pressing their foreheads together. "Give her time. The gods will tell you what to do. But for fuck's sake, stop stalking her. Hvitserk made sure to tell us how you showed up at her work and home unannounced."

 Ivar chuckled, mirroring Floki's action. "Hvitty better keep his fucking hands off her."

 "He will. He sees how important she is to you." Floki leaned back, that stupid grin on his face. "When do I get to meet her?"

 "Why the hell do you think I'd let her meet your insane ass? She'd take one look at you and run away."

 "She puts up with your stupidity. I'd be an improvement for her." 

 "Fuck off." Ivar laughed, throwing a mock punch at the man. "I've only known her for a month."

 "But it feels longer, right?"

 Ivar startled at the soft tone Floki used, like he knew exactly how Ivar felt. For once, he wondered if this was how Helga and Floki’s relationship felt. His tone was just as quiet, almost reverent as he answered. "Yeah."

 "Don't do something stupid and lose her. Meet her where she is. Be her friend if that's what she wants. She seems good for you."

 "Where is this wisdom coming from?" Ivar scoffed, running a hand over the braids on top of his head. 

 "I've always been wise, you just don't listen, pretentious asshole."

 "No, it's Helga that's the wise one."

 "My sweet Helga certainly is." Floki clapped a hand on Ivar's shoulder. "Come on, the meeting will be starting soon. I was sent to find your crippled ass."

 "Why the fuck are we talking then?"

 "I wanted to hear about this girl. From the sounds of it, you'll start waxing poetic sonnets about the poor girl soon and the gods will certainly…."

 "Shut the fuck up." 

 Talking casually about the latest boat Floki was working on building back home in Norway, they headed towards the meeting room attached to Ragnar's office. The trip from the roof to the meeting room should have been quick but Ivar moved slowly, leaning heavily on his cane. He knew the whites of his eyes had an alarming shade of blue. He had seen it that morning when he looked in the mirror but even more so, he could feel it in his bones. It felt as if with one simple misstep, he would break a bone. The fragility of his body was never more evident than on these days. 

 He loathed it. 

 Thankfully, Floki made no comments about Ivar's eyes or his slow, measured gait. Instead he talked, making sure to hold doors open and continued in his loping walk as if they were on a leisurely stroll. He did comment about how nice Ivar's cane was and asked if he had used it on anyone recently. 

 The cane had been a gift from Floki three years ago for his birthday. It appeared to be an expensive cane made up of an ebony tapered shaft and sterling silver handle with a snarling wolf's head. What only a few knew was that if Ivar twisted the handle and pulled, a long, slender knife came out, the blade attached to the handle. Plus, the shaft of the cane was reinforced with a sturdy material, making it easily used as a blunt force object without fear of it bending or denting. Floki had said long ago that one should never be without a weapon, and the cane was his way of ensuring Ivar followed that sentiment. 

 The private meeting room of Ragnar was a spacious corner room with two walls made up of floor-to-ceiling windows, a dark hardwood flooring and deep green walls. A single slab wooden oak table was the centerpiece of the room, with cushioned chairs around it. Currently all those seats were filled besides two, signifying that Floki and Ivar were the last to arrive at the meeting. 

 Ragnar Lothbrok looked up as they entered the meeting room, appearing both suave and intimidating in his gray business suit and hair plaited. "Where have you two been?" He narrowed his piercing eyes at Floki. "I thought Helga wanted you to stop smoking."

 "Your son is very convincing." Floki shrugged. 

 The patriarch's lips twitched in a suppressed smirk. He waved at the almost full table. "Sit. Let's get this started."

 At the beginning of each month, Ragnar liked to meet with his sons and few trusted advisors to review the past month and discuss anything important in the future. It was his way of checking in with progress and making sure everyone was doing their jobs, while keeping all informed. Ivar typically found the meetings boring and a waste of time, but he made sure to attend them like a dutiful son. 

 In this particular meeting, Ragnar discussed how he would be meeting with Ecbert of Saxon Industries in a week, an impromptu decision but Ecbert had insisted of its necessity. 

 Ivar rolled his eyes but kept his thoughts to himself. He knew by the way Floki clenched and unclenched his fist on Ivar's left that he felt the same way. A glance at his brothers showed the two latecomers were not the only skeptical ones. Ecbert and Ragnar had a mutual respect for one another but it did not stop them from betraying and trying to sabotage each other's businesses when it pleased them. Aella, who ran the Northern part of Saxon Industries, made no qualms about showing his disdain for Ragnar and his family, labeling them nothing more than "power-mongering, bloodthirsty heathens who allowed their animalistic tendencies to rule them". 

 To say there was bad blood between Ragnar and his sons with Aella was an understatement. 

 Years prior, Saxon Industries had been the leader in imports and exports in the United Kingdom and Ireland but all that changed once Ragnar set his gaze upon those shores. Now, Ragnarssons Trading was the powerhouse of the United Kingdom, Scandinavia, and France, with that influence expanding even more as trade flourished around the Mediterranean.  

 Saxon Industries was forced to turn their ventures to North America, something that caused resentment from both Ecbert and Aella, even if Aella was the only one vocal about it. 

 Ivar personally thought they should just wipe out the competition, utterly destroy Saxon Industries until it held no hope of recovery. It would also send the perfect message to any who tried to compete against them in the future. 

 At the conclusion of the meeting, Ivar rose from his seat, still moving slower than normal. He could feel the tenderness in his muscles and bones. A silent threat to his body. The concerned looks from those around did not help. It only happened every few months now, but he still hated the pitying looks. 

 "Ivar, I need to speak with you." Ragnar announced, momentarily breaking off his conversation with Torstein and Sigurd at the head of the table. Ivar nodded his understanding. With a muted groan, he sat back down in the plush chair and pulled out his phone.

 "Want me to wait for you?" Hvitserk asked, coming to his side. 

 "Nah, go ahead. I'll see you at home."

 Hvitserk gently clapped him on the shoulder then leaned down to whisper smugly. "Tell Kari hello from me."

 "Fuck off!" Ivar said, making his elder brother laugh as he walked out. 

 Speaking of, Ivar opened his phone to view the response from Kari to his previous message.

 Kari: unbelievable. 

 For a second, he considered replying but closed out of the text. At this late hour, she would already be asleep due to how early she regularly woke up. Instead he decided to wait until the morning to reply. 

 Soon enough, everyone trickled out of the meeting room leaving him alone with his father. Once it was just the two of them, Ivar watched as the confident, composed expression typical on his father's face slid away to reveal something more haggard. He straightened in his chair when his father walked across the room and pointedly closed and locked the doors before taking the seat next to him. 

 Ragnar rubbed a hand down his face, gazing out the open window before them. A sudden falling star streaked across the sky, momentarily distracting Ivar from his impatience, which thudded in his chest like a drum, growing louder and louder each moment his father kept them locked in silence. 

 "What I'm going to tell you does not leave this room. If you have any questions, you come to me directly. Understood?"

 Turning his head to eye his father with intrigue, Ivar nodded. "Understood."

 Only after that did Ragnar shift to meet Ivar's intense blue eyes with his own. "Our security system caught an email being sent out which contained an itemized list of some shipments we will be sending next month to our friends in Finland."

 Ivar's eyebrows rose. About ninety percent of Ragnarssons Trading was legal, something his father was very proud of considering how the company started. That hidden ten percent, it allowed them to stay connected to the black market and underground trading, to know things before they happened. Most recently they had made contact with a new buyer from Finland who had an affinity for certain illegal weapons. 

 Ragnar leaned forward, rubbing a hand over his mouth before continuing as if it pained him to utter the words. "It seems the damn email was supposed to be encrypted but somehow never fully transitioned, leaving half of it legible. We know it was sent from this building."

 "Do you know who the recipient was?"

 "The Russian mafia in Thailand."

 Ivar sharply inhaled, his mind furiously working on the implications, plus what their next steps should be. "What do you want me to do?"

 "I want you to find out who the fuck is selling us out. By any means necessary….and I want to burn them alive."

 A sinister grin grew on Ivar's face, matching the one on his father's. 

 "Consider it done."

 "Good." Ragnar absent-mindedly tapped the table with his fist. "This is your main priority but completely confidential, not even a word to your brothers."

 "You think it's one of them?"

 "No, but we don't know who is close to them that it might be." Ragnar reassured.

 Ivar rubbed a hand over his mouth as he thought, eyes drifting to the window. "I'll trace from my office. If the need arises, I'll go to Norway with Mother."

 "Good. You've never failed me. I know you won't in this."

 Ivar's heart swelled at the praise, something he rarely received from his ambitious and frequently absent father, especially during his childhood. 

 After a long moment, Ragnar reclined back in his chair, a small smirk on his face. "Your eyes are blue."

 "They are always blue, courtesy of your genetics." Ivar retorted harshly, already knowing where this was going. 

 "You know what I mean, Ivar." His father flatly stated. "If you break something, your mother will be breathing down both of our necks."

 "I'm not a fucking child, I can take care of myself."

 Ragnar hummed, seeming amused by his son's antagonized state. "Don't come into the office tomorrow."

 "I'll do whatever the fuck I want to."

 "Start whatever you want, but for gods' sake, stay in bed where you can rest. If I get a call that you're in the damn hospital with a broken bone, I'll break something else on you." He threatened, pointing a finger at his son.

 Ivar sneered, "Mother will skin you alive."

 Ragnar chuckled darkly, leaning back once again. "No, her style would be to sabotage me somehow. Now get out of here. Your brothers planned on going out for drinks tonight, are you going to join them?"

 He opened his mouth to answer when an impulsive idea latched itself in his mind. "No…." He answered slowly, a wicked smirk curled on his lips. "I think I'm going to bed."

 "Alright."

 Ivar rose, leaning on his cane. After taking a few steps away, he turned back to see his father watching him curiously. "Doesn't mean it's going to be my bed."

 With that, he walked out of the meeting room to the sound of Ragnar laughing loudly behind him.  

 *****

 He closed the bedroom door silently behind him, pleased with how the house remained quiet as he moved about. It was nearing two in the morning and the last thing he wanted was the police called with the neighbors thinking he was a burglar or something ridiculous. 

 Gently, he leaned his cane against the wall then proceeded to slip his shoes and shirt off. He dropped them on the floor, overly aware of any noise he made. Carefully, he maneuvered to the side of the bed, feeling very much like a thief in the night though he ignored it, and eased his legs out of his braces, setting them on the ground. Next, he slid under the rumpled covers, pleased when the bed's other occupant did not wake. His heart pounded in his chest though it did not deter his actions, if anything the forbidden feel spurred him on. Laying on his side, he placed his arm around her. Cautious of his body, he scooted closer to her until his chest was to her back. Before he could fully relax, she began to stir. 

 "Mmmm?"

 He tenderly placed a kiss on the back of her neck before murmuring. "Shhh, go to sleep."

 "Ivar?" Kari asked sleepily, her body tensing under his touch. 

 "Yes. Go back to sleep."

 At his words, she twisted in his arms to face him, his arm still over her waist comfortably. He could hear the sleep fading from her voice. "What? What are you doing here?"

 "Trying to sleep." He answered coolly, a flash of irritation shooting through him. Why was she questioning him? All he wanted to do right now was sleep with her in his arms. The increasing pain in his traitorous body made him want to lash out. To demand she shut up and let them sleep. He bit his tongue before the venom could erupt. Logically he knew his presence was unexpected and surprising at this hour, but he had hoped she would be more excited to see him. 

 "That…. what? How did you get into my house?" She demanded, trying to wriggle out of his hold but to no avail. 

 "I have a key."

 That easy statement made her freeze. "You have a key…." She slowly repeated. After a moment, she sighed, relaxing back into his embrace. "You know what, I'm too tired. We'll talk about that fact in the morning. Why are you here though?"

 Maybe it was the darkness surrounding them or the enticing sleepy voice of hers, either way he found himself answering honestly…. a bit too honestly. He pressed his forehead to hers, closing his eyes as he quietly confessed. "I missed you….and I don't want to be alone."

 They laid there for several seconds in a tense silence. Even though she did not pull away from him, he could practically feel her over-thinking. If she told him to leave right now, he wondered if his dark heart would splinter. Over the past month she had become so vitally important to him. When he first met her, his interest had been fueled by lust plus the mystery and innocent aura around her. He wanted her. Now though, it had moved beyond want. It was a need. As much as he needed air to breathe, his mind and body coveted her. She somehow slipped past his guarded heart to entangle herself in his very core. Her presence soothed the violence that controlled his mind, she gentled his rage. She cared about him, not because of who or what he was, like everyone else. No, she cared about him as his own person, as simply Ivar. 

 Finally, she spoke in a resigned whisper. "Fine. Go to sleep, Ivar."

 "I was trying to but someone kept asking me questions." He quipped, in hopes to hide the joy and relief in his voice. 

 She grumbled, then turned over and tried to move away from him but he was not going to have that. Not now. Not where he wanted her to be after so long. Where she deserved to be. With the arm around her waist, he pulled himself against her until they were spooning. At first, she attempted to fight him, squirming away, but after a few moments she surrendered. A barely suppressed chuckle escaped him, as he tightened his hold on her. She felt so perfect in his arms, like the gods created her to fit flawlessly against him, two puzzle pieces that finally found their match. He pressed his face into her hair, nuzzling into her. His elation only increased when her fingers intertwined with his that were splayed just under her breasts. A fond smile danced on his lips at her acceptance. 

 Within moments, he felt her go limp against him, sleep consuming her one again. He lightly kissed the back of her neck, pleased when he thought he heard a content hum come from her at the action.

 Knowing his kitten, there would be hell to pay come morning, but for now, he needed this. Her body against his, to feel her heartbeat, to know she was safe. It was something that was no longer optional. He felt a man possessed, bewitched. Everything about her cast him under her spell- her beauty, her friendship, her tenderness towards him, the silly ways she made him laugh, and how she stood up for him. She was his. His responsibility. His devotion. His peace. His kitten. His alone. 

 "God natt, min skatt." He whispered against her skin. (Good night, my treasure)

 It did not take long for him to follow her into sleep, more at peace in this moment than he had been for in years.

[oingo233]

Rapture is a Boy (8)

Summary: Remus and you have always had a playful, loving relationship but his behavior around the full moon leads you to assume the worst. A huge fight ends with the two of you heartbroken. Will Remus reveal the truth behind his behavior?  And will you still love him afterwards or has he truly lost you forever?

Young Remus Lupin x Reader(neutral)

Warning: FLUFF, so much fluff you could drown in it, self-doubt (brief) 

Authors Note: This is the last part, which is crazy to me, I truly hope yall love it.  This series is dear to my heart because it has allowed me to meet and talk to you and so many other amazing people!  You all mean so much to me, and Remus is my lil baby too. I can’t even express how much I appreciate and love you all <3

Word Count: 5k

Part One - Part Two - Part Three - Part Four - Part Five - Part Six - Part Seven

                                                    Part Eight

                                      ****A Stag, a Rat and a Dog***

Remus POV

“That was-” Peter couldn’t even finish his sentence, he just laughed, he laughed so loud it was hard not to join in with him.  James pat his back and nodded, wiping some of the blue glitter off on his shirt.

“Right, mate.” he agreed.  Sirius was bouncing in his spot, none of our smiles breaking or dimming. “Another notch under the belt of our legacy of awesome,” he all but sang, all of our cheeks still flushed from this morning. He hit Sirius’s arm and they began to race up the stairs, Peter and I followed, jogging after them.  “Lily loved it too!” he added, smiling even bigger at just the thought of her, he was beating Sirius.  

We all stopped running and Sirius was scowling, he lost, we all stood at the portrait when Sirius turned to me.  “Worked well on (Y/N) too,” he stated, smirking at me and making a sexual motion with his hips, James laughed and I pushed him. “Ew, your palms are sweaty.”

“We’ll excuse me, ABBA sweats no doubt after giving the performance of a life time.” I say while James says the word and the painting opens for us. “Besides, it has worked for now.  But they are still oblivious to the truth.  I might lose them all over again, once they know.”

The mood seemed to darken at this realization.  Not everyone is as understanding about my condition as the boys. That’s the real reason I couldn’t stop sweating, and if the boys looked close enough they’d see I couldn’t stop shaking ever so slightly too.  I just got (Y/N) back, I’m not sure how well I’d be able to cope with losing them a second, and final time.  My heart broke just at the thought, and at the very realization that I might have to prepare myself for such an outcome.

“Mate, (Y/N) is one of the people in this world that loves you most.  Besides us of course,” James smiled softly, trying to lighten the mood whenever he could, “I doubt, that anything could make them think differently of you.  You’re not just your condition.  You’re Remus feckin Lupin!” The other boys cheered in agreement as we stepped into our dorms, Peter even went as far as rubbing my shoulders to build up my confidence, he saw a trainer do it to a wrestler on muggle TV once.

“And we’ve got a romantic feckin plan!” Peter cheers, still excited about what is yet to happen. I swallow thickly once more, this day could be one of the best in a while, or the absolute worst.  I guess we’ll know tonight.  

“Yes, and are you guys sure you are okay with this?” I ask, for the fifth time.  James rolls his eyes, and Sirius bangs his head on the dorm room wall.  

“Yes, Moony.  Yes. Yes. Yes.  We are okay with this for the millionth time.  (Y/N) is our friend too, and all we want is to see the lot of ya happy again, so will ya shut up about it.  We already agreed, mate,” Sirius says, looking up just barely lifting his head from the wall.

“And we don’t like lying to (Y/N) either,” James says, Peter nods with each word falling from their lips, as he tugs on pants and grabs a new, not bedazzled, robe.

We were still talking and going over plans for tonight when we left for first period.  The common room was quite expect for our meshed whispers and loud footfalls, it wasn’t until the painting door swung open that we heard another sound.  An all too familiar sound.

Professor McGonagall cleared her throat before us.  Her hands folded in at her chest and her pointed eyes trained on us, unblinking.  We all swallowed thickly, our fear and respect for her almost overwhelmed our courage and friendliness towards her.  Almost.

“Did ya enjoy the concert, Minnie?  I was singing just for you.” Sirius said, smiling and trying not to laugh as her expression remained unmoving.  James joined in and I nearly rolled my eyes, but a smile found it’s way onto my lips nonetheless.

“Yeah, we saw ya a-tap-tap-tappy your toes!” He says, doing a little dance.  I was amazed by her ability to not even crack a smile at our enthusiasm, but then again, this was nothing new to her.  “ABBA gets to the best of us doesn’t it?”  As if on cue, Sirius was speaking again. I fought my smile and faked a sullen expression, fingers crossed behind my back, this was the part where one of us tried to weasel our way out of trouble.

“Exactly, our hearts were in it Professor, truly we had good reason and we weren’t hurting anyone.  Shame.  Just a shame Dumbledore gave us detention, any more severe punishment just wouldn’t make any sense.”  She raised a brow and in a last attempt I put in a word of my own.

“But you’re always so sensible Ms. McGonagall. I’m sure your punishment for us will be well-deserved.  Perhaps our outfits were too flashy?” Peter chuckles beside me, and shows her the inside of his robe.

“But this one isn’t at all. Ya see?” He shows her adamantly until she raises a hand and we are drowning in silence, she made us sweat in our palms and neck before speaking.

“Yes.  It appears your shenanigans are over.  But Lucy is still in the hospital wing scrubbing at her skin, the smell is pungent and unmoving.  It seems, Sirius,” She turns to face him, his adam apple bobs, “You did hurt someone.  The real shame is that you don’t seem bothered by that fact.  Follow me, boys.” She said, turning on us, her robes nearly swinging up and hitting our shins.  We follow wordlessly and with our heads down, her words bothered us a little, what really stung was the disappointment on her face and in her frown. (Though Sirius swears he heard her singing along).

She went to Peter’s class first, he went to follow her inside but she raised a hand and said “Oh, you won’t be going to class this morning, Mr.Pettigrew.” She excused Peter herself, whispering into the teachers ear.  My heart sank at the realization that I would not be seeing (Y/N) again this morning, James eyes me, my mood obviously changed.  I couldn’t even spend any time with them before tonight, our lunch would serve as detention as well. I might never get to see them again after tonight, couldn’t even enjoy this little time I have before the truth is out.  I won’t be able to be at peace until tonight or maybe even after, because who will love a monster?

For the rest of the morning we were locked in McGonagall’s empty classroom, writing out letters of apology to be given to Lucy in person later that day.  And attempting to come up with a charm or some potion that would reverse the long lasting affect of the Stink Bombs that we have created.  Wouldn’t be a marauders prank unless everything was well crafted, would it?  But now, our little spell seems to be our downfall.  Luckily, we found the right reversion potion, and it was taken to Madame Pom. immediately.  By the time we were allowed to leave, the bell for second period had just rang.

I sat through my classes with sweaty hands, and bouncing legs.  I agonized in the silence of detention about all that could go wrong, several times I re-debated whether I should really tell (Y/N) the truth, but it was clear that I needed too.  I have lied for too long, and it has cost me too much.  The truth will set me free...or at least I hope it will.  I sat through my very last classes feeling both sick, and determined.  Before we knew it, it was dinner time and James, Sirius, Peter and I snuck out of the castle for our final act of salvation.  Our last attempt to make things right.

Your POV

The ground was rocky and uneven below my feet, between the clumps of dirt and hidden rocks this trip to Hagrids hut felt more like a mountain climbing experience than anything else.  But my breathing was not ragged and exaggerated because of the walk, no, it was because ever since this morning my heart has been beating out of control.  I’ve been breathless and filled with both anxiety and warmth since Remus kissed my cheek and handed me this note.

Tonight will mark either the end or the fresh start of our relationship, of our friendship...of our love.  

My head is spinning as I stumble over a pumpkin root. What has he been hiding from me?  Is it something bad, or big, or maybe something he is just blowing way out of proportion?  What if the truth pulls us apart even more than the lies?

I shake my head in an attempt to free myself of this anxiety that swells in my stomach like a churning sea.  Whatever it is, I will face it with patience and love, but also self-respect.  I repeat this to myself until before I know it, I am at Hagrids hut.  The walls of his house seemed to mountain over me, it smelled strongly of firewhiskey, burning firewood,rich dirt and sweet pumpkins.  The smell did wonders in calming my mind, but I rather large frown makes its way onto my face as I look around.  There was absolutely no one in sight.

I cuss under my breath.  Maybe this is the wrong place.  Maybe Remus is late?  I chew at my bottom lip and take a few large steps around the hut, my eyes keep going back to analyze the trees of the forest.  The shadows of the forbidden forest seemed to reach for me.  It called for me.  As if it was a whirlpool sucking me in I stepped towards it, staring into the layers of dark, large trees.  

I held my breath as a bush by the very edge of the forest shook, rustling leaves and snapping twigs filled the brisk night air.  I shivered, whether it was from the cold or the sudden fear I was not sure, but I did not have time to debate my feelings because suddenly, a canopy of dark green vines, hanging from the trees shifted.  

Large, cream horns parted the vines and drooping tree leaves, a particular branch got stuck on the intricate swirling of the horns and snapped completely as the creature stepped further from the shadows, revealing itself to me. 

A beautiful Stag stood proud, it’s thick coat shone under the moonlight, it’s chest puffed out at me with pride.  The horns only added to it’s graceful height, but it’s eyes are what truly took my breath away.  Those round, warm eyes they were so human.  So familiar.  Before I could debate it any further, the Stag stamped it’s hoof in the dirt softly, it snorted and white air swirled around it’s soft face.  Only then did I notice the beautiful yellow rose, plucked from a bush and resting at it’s front legs.

I bring a shaky hand to my mouth, barely able to comprehended the wave of emotions that nearly knock me to my feet. This was of Remus’s doing.  But...how?  The Stag inclines it’s head curiously at me to the right, it’s large ears flicking with some sort of impatience, or unrest.  Only then did I fully seem to understand the familiarity of this creature.  

“James?” I gasp.  The Stag seems to stand even taller at me, and...smiles.  With my mouth still hanging wide open I let out a boisterous laugh.  “James!” I almost yell, the Stag snorts again and leans it’s head down, using his nose to push the rose towards me.  The movement doesn’t help me get over my shock, but it stirs me into action.  I begin to cautiously walk forwards, and as I do the Stag er, James, picks up the rose between it’s teeth, when I am close enough he softly nuzzles it into my hand.  I grip it tightly, it has already been de-thorned.

Carefully, with my free hand, I reach it out just a few inches in front of me and James places his Stag head onto my palm.  I pet him softly, he stares up at me and it was as if I was staring at James himself.

“You clever bastard!” I exclaim, I knew how hard becoming Animigus is, but why would he do such a thing?  I was broken out of my trance when the Stag (James) begins to walk, slowly at first, he looks back at me and inclines his head first and it was as if I could just hear him saying, in his cheeky manner ‘Ladies first, of course,”

I swallow thickly and fight another bout of paralyzing shock, and instead smile, following James through the forest.  His hoofs sinking softly into the ground, the sound was methodic and helped with the strange over pour of emotions I’m feeling.

What happened next, is actually quite embarrassing.  It started with a little scamper by my feet.  Considering how far we’ve walked into the forest I was more than a bit concerned for my safety, but the large, strong Stag beside me cast most of my fears to the side.  Then, through a break of moonlight through the trees I saw it.  A large, fat rat!

I screamed so loud, dark ravens flew from their slumbers in the trees.  James beside me stomped his feet, and checked the perimeter with analyzing eyes, searching for the danger.  But they only found the rat.  I never thought a Stag could give such an amused, disappointed expression, yet here I stand.  Clinging to a deers ass for dear life, and he is looking back at me with said expression. My cheeks flush and I let go of his furry back, then the Rat very slowly inches towards me.  

It’s sharp nose lifting and dancing from side to side, it’s soft brown eyes sparkling up at me.  I’d say it even looked a little cute, friendly even.  But what unusual behavior, and what unusual eyes.  It’s tail glowing under the white light like a plump, pink worm...

“Wormtail!” I realize, laughter bubbling from my chest. The Rat lets out a gleeful squeak and James besides me snorts once again, seeming to laugh.  The Rat scurried off into the shadows, and I can’t help but berate myself.  Did I hurt his feelings?

But then he comes bounding back into sight, he stands on his back legs and his little Rat face seemed to glow with excitement as his pink hands unveiled a small little white wildflower.  The same kind Remus would pick for me on walks we took together. My smile only grows bigger as I do a sweet curtsey and pick up the flower mid-bow, lifting it up to my nose as I stand straight again.  

“My apologies, you know I don’t like rats.  But I suppose I’ll have to make an exception for you.” I smile down at him, and he reveals two yellow buck teeth, smiling up at me with as much of a smile any rat can muster.  I fail to hold in my laughter but extend my arm to him, he climbs up it and perches himself on my shoulder.  I hold the two flowers in one hand, and rest my other on James soft shoulder, so I can be led through the dark forest, I knew by know, they were leading me to Remus.

Peter climbs down my other arm and onto James back, then up his head.  I laugh as Peter holds on for deer(hehe I’m funny) life as James jokingly waves his head back and forth, Peter almost falls off but I help him back.  We all seem to laugh in our own ways, when suddenly a loud bark cuts through the sound of laughter and owls and even the rustling of the woods around us.  It was loud and impatient and yet humorous, it reminded me of someone I know well.  I smirk, raising a brow I turn to the equally amused Stag and Rat, James and Peter.

“Wormtail.  Prongs,” I say, motioning to the Stag who only inclines his head again, “And Padfoot.  Let me guess... Sirius is also some animal wandering these woods, finding us by chance?  A wolf, perhaps?  A dog?” They don’t say a thing, they only begin to walk again.  Turning us towards the sound of the echoing bark.

I was on the ground before I knew what was happening.  We’ve walked just a few more minutes and then a cloud of black overcame my sense and tackled me to the floor.  Black, Sirius Black, was a dog and on top of me.  He was barking right by my ear and cuddling me, it wasn’t until two little Rat hands attempted to push his leg that he got off.  

I was laughing uncontrollably, this was all too much.  Too crazy.  I knew they were geniuses, but this... becoming Animagus and though the reason was unclear I could feel it, something to do with Remus.  With Moony.  The nickname had a new meaning to me, and I wasn’t sure what yet, but I was sure I was about to find out.  

Sirius was racing around me in circles as I stood up.  His black tail wagging wildly, and his fur rustled and tossed under the wind.  I wanted to coo and awe, though his eyes were human and mischievous, the rest of him was adorable and strong.  A proud, handsome looking dog.  It was clear, by his behavior, that he was just as excited to reveal this big secret, as I was to know the truth.

“Sirius!  You dog,” I joke, a bad one on my part but he still barked with laughter and I shook my head, taking in the three of them.  This was, Merlin, I didn’t even know what this was other than beyond surprising and impressive.  Shocking.

Suddenly, Sirius makes one last dart behind me, he sends me in a spin and by the time I can control my footing he is back in front of me.  He is sitting on his back legs, front paws up in the air and bent in a cute trick, his ears flopped forward.  Just above his paws, drooping from the jaws of his mouth is a single daffodil.  Daffodils, like the one written about in this favorite poem of mine that Remus would read me on bad days, I Wandered Lonely as A Cloud by William Wordsworth.

I sigh, tilting my head to the left, a soft smile on my lips.  Everything about this was amazing and sweet.  It was amazing that the boys had this whole other life I never knew about, which I’m sure there will be a reasonable explanation for my ignorance because ouch.  But sweet, because this was obviously planned my Remus, but the boys were taking their own time to make it happen.  I bend down and pat Sirius’s head, the only time he lets me touch his hair, I think, almost laughing.  His tail wags as I pluck the flower from his mouth and he lets it fall easily into my hand.

I gather it with my other flowers, now forming a little bouquet and bring the whole lot of them up to my face and inhale. I close my eyes as I smell the sweet and powerful aromas, memories with Remus filled my head, and with it, a warmth filled my chest.  

“I hope this hasn’t been all too much for you.  I thought some truths would be better seen than told,” Remus says, walking up behind me.  I spin around, I didn’t even notice the sound of crunching leaves behind me. But I couldn’t find it in me to speak, the moonlight dancing across Remus’s face, highlighting his eyes, and the soft curves of his lips with the ragged lines of his scars, I was astounded by the boy before me.  Once again entranced.  All the anxiety, all the fear has left me, as I stared at him clad in fancy pants and a button up to match.  

He stops walking, unsure of where he stands with me.  I step towards him, finding some clearing in the haze I begin to speak.

“It’s wonderful.  They’re wonderful,” I say, turning with a thankful smile to the stag, the rat and the dog. They each in turn, show their teeth at me in an attempt of a smile.  I laugh and beside me, Remus does too.  With a nod of his head, they turn their backs on us and leave.  I no longer needed guidance or safety.  Remus stood before me and I felt something that has been missing for the past couple of days.  And even though I was in the middle of the dangerous, forbidden forest, I knew that I was also home.  

“I love the flowers. I must say, this night has already taken the most unexpected turn it could, but the nicknames definitely make more sense,” I attempt a bad joke, a habit of mine in a nerve wracking situation but Remus only seems to grimace slightly, before turning it into a smile, though it was a rather sad one.

“Well, you seem to be taking this well.  Have you figured out mine yet?” He asked, his sad tone surprising me. We were so close his voice dropped low just out of habit it seemed, and because the short distance between us put us in a trance.  I missed him.  I missed him so much my body now seemed to come back from the dead and reach for him, I was alive again with dancing butterflies and buzzing questions.  I glanced down to his lips, before taking a step back. 

“No.  But I can guess.  It makes sense, once every month you seem to leave me.  You change into someone who is distant, someone who doesn't seem to love me,” He steps forwards, looking pained by this realization, but as I speak it becomes clearer to me, but I can’t yet reach the conclusion.

“I will never become a person who doesn’t love you.  I will change and grow but you will be the one thing that remains.  You don’t have to guess anymore, but I want you to know that my love for you will always remain, even if after tonight, we do not,” he speaks with such reverence, like our love was something scared to him and deep down, I knew I felt the same way.  It is my first love, and if I can help it, than he will be my only lover until the day I die.  All I can do is nod as he steps forwards again, I can see a bead of sweat roll down the apple of his cheek, he was about to tell me.  I can feel the shaking of his hands as he places them in mine.

Suddenly, his unbreaking stare leaves me, and in place, find the bright moon.  Twinkling in the sky and illuminating us in its wake.  I understood in that moment, Moony.  A boy mapped with scars.  Moony.  A boy plagued by nightmares, and insecurities.  Moony.  A tough, but oh so scared boy who seemed to hate the very night itself.  Moony.  The boy who changes during the month, and is gone completely on the full moon.  Moony.  Moony, the Werewolf.

I pull on his hands and gather him into my embrace, pulling back only to kiss him sweetly.  The world becomes ours as our lips dance with one another to a song we’ve heard before.  It is the song of him making love to me.  It is the song of the poems he reads me and the flowers he picks.  It is the song of the moons very envy as she watches us together.  The song of lovers.  It moves us.  It moves my hands up his neck and through his hair.  It moves his lips across my cheek and jaw and then down my neck.  It moves the wind, and the trees around us.  It pulls the moans from our mouths and then the confessions.

“My beautiful love,” Remus kisses the words into my skin, up to my lips.  “My only love,” he mumbles into my lips, kissing me softly but his hands are bruising at my hips.  As if I would leave him if he did not hold me close enough and for forever.

“I love you, Remus ‘Moony’ Lupin.  I love all of you and all that you ever will be and all that you have been.” He pulls back from me, his eyes glazed with tears and a softness that makes my heart sing.  He nods, and than he laughs.  A tear falls from his eyes as his head leans back and he laughs, the sweetest sound I’ve ever heard.  It was as if all his anxiety, and self-hatred has left him and in their place my words have nestled in.  I love him.  I love him.  I love him.

“I’m a werewolf ya know?” he says, still laughing, he knew I made the connection.  At this point it was pre-caution, I roll my eyes and kiss him again.  The world is forgotten as we kiss, as we rejoin as one and as lovers.  I pull back and softly wipe away his tears.

“I know,” I whisper into his lips, he smiles, giving me a soft kiss.  “Why didn’t you tell me sooner, Remus?” I ask, pulling away from him.  He frowns now, his cheeks red with blush, and lips to match.

“I thought I’d lose you forever.  That you’d think I was some monster, or- or beast.  You always looked at me like I was the world, and I was terrified one day you’d see the real me, and just- well, stop loving me altogether.” While he speaks his eyes still glitter with the promise of tears, and my heart sinks at his words.

“I think I understand your anxiety about it.  I can’t imagine how hard it must be.  But I would never stop loving you for such a thing, merlin, I don’t think anything could stop me from loving you.  I never want you to feel the need to hide from me again, okay?” Remus nods into my hands, I still haven't moved them since I wiped away his tears, it seemed like more keeps falling each time.  

“The boys became Animigmus to help with my full moons.  It can get pretty bad… but ever since they have come along things really got better, really they did.” he adds when seeing my sad facial expression.  My heart felt broken all over again at just the thought of Remus being in pain, alone and suffering.  I swore in that moment, I’d do anything in this world to help make things better for him.  I nod my head.  He continues.

“And Lucy, her older sister is a werewolf.  She figured out that I was one pretty quickly, she said I could speak to her about it all, and that she could help somehow.  It was nothing more, she just let me complain and even write some letter to her sister.  I never even thought of Lucy like the way I think of you.  She was always just a friend, but that remains no more.  To hell with her,” he says.  He can’t stop smiling, a real, golden smile.  There was nothing holding him back, I could just tell he felt so much lighter.  I took his hand and wordlessly led him to sit on the grass with me.  We laid shoulder to shoulder, staring up at the stars together.  

He told me in depth about how he was bitten as a child, about how it changed his life.  Then when the boys told him they were becoming Animgus for him and all the little moments and adventures they’ve had since.  He didn’t sugar coat a thing, he didn’t lie.  He was bearing his soul before me for the first time, without any thin veil holding us back and I’ve never felt closer to him.  It was well past curfew by the time I felt satisfied with everything he’s told me, I felt both heavy with this knowledge and yet free.  I felt included and like I truly knew Remus, and I still did love him.  More than ever, I love him.

We laid in silence for some time, my head has moved to lay on his chest and I can hear the steady, warm beating of his heart.

“Can you hear it?” he asks, out of the blue.  I strain my ears to listen to the forest around us, I lift my head slightly and he laughs.  “No. My heart, can you hear it?” I lean back into him and let out a little laugh myself.

“Oh.  Yes,” I smile, “I can hear it.”

“Good.  It beats for you.”mhe says, I look up at him only to find that he has already been looking at me.  His eyes soft, and smile warm, his heart steady under the palm of my hand and loud within the stillness of the night.  It beats for you.  His words echoed in my head and I couldn’t help myself, I lean forward and press my lips against him.  I could kiss him forever.  I could be with him here like this forever, alone and in love, honest and unafraid. 

 I understood a lot of things that night, more than just about who Remus was and the secrets he has been hiding.  More than the truths that he bared and the love that we had. I understood how after all this time of separation and uncertainty.  After exhausting ourselves in a sea of sorrow and questions, we have finally found our peace.  I have found my happiness.  And I realized something rather important.  Rapture is a boy.  Rapture is love.

Taglist:

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[izzabeean]

Chapter 5 : Impulse

SUMMARY

You've learned something you wish you didn't about Ushijima and now you wish you could forget.

pairing : ushjima x f!reader / oikawa x f!reader / iwaizumi x f!reader

genre : angst + fluff

word count : 2,836

tags :  alternate universe - college/university, post-break up, friends to lovers, pining, slow burn

a/n : What can I say, Y/N has a bit of a sweet tooth! I mean if I spent a day in the city you bet I would be eating a lot of food. Or is that just me? Anyway, I am happy with how this turned out! The next chapter is going to be so fun!

Will try to post every Thursday evening PST, if not latest by Friday.

Hope you're enjoying the series so far!

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Today sucks. 

After last night, you didn’t think it could get any worse, but you were so wrong. The sliver of hope that today was going to be a bit better quickly vanished in a matter of seconds leaving your heart even more shattered than you thought was possible. 

So why? 

Why is it that you saw the person you’d love the most with a girl you’d never seen before? As much as you wish it weren’t so, the evidence is right in front of you no matter how many times you try to push the image away. 

Staring down at your soft serve ice cream, nearly melted, you let out a big sigh trying to repress the tears wanting to form. You wish your favorite flavor of frozen dessert could solve all your problems, alas, the rich creamy flavors only remind you of a date you had with Ushijima… 

“It’s never too cold for ice cream,” you spout, arms linked with Ushijima marching your way to your favorite ice cream shop. It was this particular spot that made you realize Ushijima is more than what you’ve ever wanted in your life. You’d been dating for six months now, a new record in your love life, also a big surprise you haven’t tired him out with your nonsense.

Instead of arguing whether a cold dessert was an appropriate snack in the winter, he just let out a deep sigh in reply knowing you’re not going to be convinced otherwise. 

“Don’t give me that,” you holler, covering your face in your hands, refusing to look at Ushijima.

Gently, he grabs your hands pulling them away from your face giving you a little kiss on the cheek in apology for his teasing.

“Y/N.”

Oikawa’s voice pulls you out of your bitter memory back to sitting across from him at a cafe. Your heart drops, realizing that there will not be any more moments like that with Ushijima. Did everything always remind you of him this much?

“You’re ice cream,” Oikawa says, eyes locked on to the dessert dripping on your hand. 

Quickly you get up from the table grabbing some napkins to wipe up the mess you’ve made which resonates with you very well at this point. Not only are you emotionally a mess, apparently now you can’t even physically get a hold of yourself. Emotional pain is just temporary, yes, yet there’s this overwhelming feeling that makes you think your entire world is closing in on you.

In the process of cleaning up the sticky residue, you let out a growl noticing it’s dripped onto your palish pants producing a humiliating colored stain. You start pressing on the fabric in hopes your mishap would magically disappear… It doesn’t. 

Oikawa peers down at your pants attempting to conceal his chuckle with a titter.

“It’s not funny,” you rasp.

But Oikawa can’t stop himself from bursting into a loud guffaw resulting in a free-flowing of tears. 

Completely exasperated by the chaos, you throw out what’s left of your liquefied treat and sit back at the table covering your face with your hands. You didn’t feel in a rush to embarrass yourself more by strutting around the city with a large smudge of ice cream on your pants.

Once Oikawa gains his composure, he takes his jacket off and passes it to you across the table.

“You can hold this to cover it,” he offers.

The gesture feels loaded, like the true intent is much more devious than that, especially since he seemed to find it so amusing. There’s no way Oikawa could perform such gracious acts of kindness. 

“Take it,” he says. 

“Aren’t you going to be cold?” You reply, shoving the coat away with your hands. 

Oikawa shrugs, “I’ll be fine.”

Giving in to his persistency, you take the jacket. “Thank you,” you breathe.

You watch Oikawa straighten out his shirt and fix his hair as a couple of girls walk by giggling, smiling at him, one even gives a little wave. It puzzles you how Oikawa can be such a dreamboat, from your years of friendship, his reputation borderlines annoying and childish, but the little gestures he’s made today have really made you rethink; this was a side to Oikawa you’ve never seen before.

On your way back to the train station, you look out toward the horizon and see the sun setting; pinks and oranges fill the sky, and the sight before you is quite romantic. The scene itself ended up turning out to be soothing despite the alarming encounter from earlier.

Now your new reality is finally setting in where there’s no Ushijima.

“I don’t want to go home,” you utter.

Oikawa studies you with your head hanging low. The glow of the sun coats you in its gleaming rays, he wasn’t sure if he was imagining things but he noticed the light capture a shimmer of a single tear tracking down your cheek. Then it finally resonates with him: you're not okay. 

“Wish I could get out of these pants though,” you laugh. Then just like that, you revert to a smile. 

“Let’s take you out,” Oikawa says.

“Out? Like to a club?” You didn’t fully expect any sort of resolution from Oikawa, your comment was meant to be rhetorical. 

“Yeah! You, me, and Iwa! We never go together and it will be good for you to go out to have some fun!”

“I don’t know about that,” you sigh.

Oikawa’s eyes widen, the look on his face is full of excitement basically begging you to say yes. He must know you’re feeling vulnerable because it doesn’t take a moment more of hesitation to.

------

When Oikawa said he was going to take you out, he really meant it. The nightclub is lavish as loud music pulses in your chest while crowds of people huddle around the bar and scatter across the dance floor. 

Oikawa could be considered an avid clubber, how could he not be when he is so popular with girls, and had always tried to convince you to join him. You never really have, but you’ve also never really had your heartbroken to this degree. 

“It’s about to get even more crowded,” Oikawa yells into your ear.

10:13 pm on a Saturday evening and it’s going to get busier? Oh god.

Crowds aren’t your thing. Clubs aren’t your thing. Drinking isn’t really your thing. What are you even doing here?

“Shots?” Oikawa suggests pointing to the bar.

Your stomach churns at the thought. Diving into the night with shots seems excessive; they always leave a bitter taste in your mouth and the strong smell makes you want to gag. You wanted a drink to ease you into the evening...

“6 shots of Jäger,” Oikawa orders. 

Maybe not so much tonight.

The bartender retrieves the alcohol and brings back six shot glasses, each filled to the rim of dark liquor. Holding the shot glass up to your face, the potent smell makes your nose scrunch. With a cheers, you throw back the alcohol and the sensation burns your throat; it’s awful. Knowing there’s a second shot waiting, you don't delay the inevitable.

“Someone’s eager,” Oikawa purrs watching you down the second shot. 

The corners of your mouth turn down as the hairs on your back stand up. You let out an ick and turn to Oikawa and Iwaizumi who are both in awe of your tenacity.  Truthfully, you were shocked too. Then all the tension in your body seems to disperse, from the day, from entering the nightclub. You finally feel relaxed.

“Am I going to be waiting for you all night? Or what?” You tease eyeing their untouched liquor. 

Both men look at each other and take the shot in one gulp. Calling over the bartender you order another round, this time they’re a lot easier to take.

“You’re really not playing around,” Iwaizumi teases, impressed that you’re able to down three shots in a matter of minutes upon entering the venue.

Shifting your gaze to Iwaizumi, he looks so hot in his black button-up shirt with the top two buttons undone. A warm feeling fills your chest, you didn’t know if it was the alcohol hazing your perception or you were genuinely starting to crush on him. 

Damn it, you think to yourself while your eyes continue to linger on him. 

Considering your current situation, the smart thing to do here would be to do nothing. On the other hand, you couldn’t help that your heart fluttered in Iwaizumi’s presence. Surely, he didn’t realize the meaning behind his words but it brought you lower into the sort of absolution that you were definitely forming a rebound crush on him. But you couldn’t let yourself. Of course, if you did, you were bound to hurt Iwaizumi and your friendship with Oikawa. You had to stop yourself before it was too late.

Oikawa’s eyes fall onto you, noticing your ogling. You seem to illuminate with this glow he hasn’t seen all day and for a split second, he is fueled with irritation at the sight. But catches his outward anger and pushes it down, gaining composure. 

------

Keeping up with Oikawa for most of the night was a bad idea. Certainly, it didn’t occur to you until you stumble into the bathroom all by yourself, realizing you were most definitely unable to stand straight without help. 

Check yourself out in the mirror, you pull out your phone to take a raunchy selfie. You smirk at yourself checking the photo before posting it to your social media story.

That will show him, you think, hopeful Ushijima will see the image you’ve posted. He’s not the only one who can have fun.

Before even pressing “post” you get a text from Oikawa asking where you are. You giggle as you type come find me and press send with the intention of finding him first.

As you leave the bathroom, you begin to scan the crowd for Oikawa or Iwaizumi trying to recollect where you last saw them. The crowds of people in the vicinity make it practically impossible and the further you walk into the nightclub, the louder the music gets, the brighter the lights are, the warmer your body feels. 

All you wanted to do was get out.

Stepping outside, there’s this instant relief from the crisp evening air although it doesn’t last long, and soon a violent shiver courses through you. Turning around to go back inside the bouncer stops you then points to what seems like an endless line of people. 

“B-but, I-I just need to get my jacket,” you stammer.

“Sorry, ma’am. You’re going to have to wait in line,” he booms.

Your outward calmness cracks, too anxious to even think up an excuse. You needed to find Oikawa or Iwaizumi and you need to find them now! 

You turn your attention back to your phone as you begin to type out a text to come meet you outside the club.

“Hey sweet cheeks,” a raspy voice calls out.

You look up and see a rough-looking guy in line making intense eye contact with you. Normally you don’t judge, but your drunk bordering wasted self notes this man was very sketchy and it’s best to avoid him. So you turn your back to him and call Oikawa instead.

“Hey don’t ignore me,” he yells.

You start walking in the opposite direction from the line as far away from the stranger as possible. You’re a bit worried he can still see you and slip into an alley beside the nightclub, the phone still ringing on the other end. 

“Pick up. Pick up. Pick up!!” You mutter into the receiver. Oikawa doesn’t, so you try again.

“I don’t like being ignored, sweet cheeks.” The same raspy voice makes you jump as you turn around to see the scraggly man backlit by fluorescent streetlights, only making his appearance more menacing. 

The call goes to Oikawa’s voicemail again.

“Guess your friend ditched ya,” he continued walking closer to you. The statement sobers you up as his aura escalates to a more threatening demeanor. 

“They said they’ll just be out,” you squeal.

“Yeah?” The stranger keeps shortening the distance every step. “Why don’t you come with me?”

He’s so close now that you can smell his disgusting breath and you start to panic. “I-I can’t, I’m waiting for someone, th-thank you though.”

Why the fuck did you say thank you? Your brain screams at you.

“Oh come on sweet cheeks,” he coaxes, reaching out to clasp on to your wrist. “I’ll show you a good time.”

Your body freezes at his touch. It stings as a sharp pain from his grip makes you want to scream or cry, but the shock was melting your ability to. You felt so useless and timid in times of distress. You didn’t know what to do, you couldn’t escape searing clutches of--

“What do you think you’re doing?” A deep voice thunders.

The stranger turns to see the culprit and you slowly glance to see Iwaizumi with an intimidating aura protruding from him. 

“Just having a nice talk,” the stranger purrs, tightening his grip more and you let out a little yelp.

“Is that what this is? She looks pretty scared to me,” Iwaizumi retorts.

“This’ none of your business kid,” the stranger rages.

“Actually it is,” he demands stepping closer. “Let go of her.”

A vein on Iwaizumi’s neck pops out as his hands start to ball into fists. Now the stranger is intensely regretting his choice and you can sense it from the fact he’s visibly shaking. You are nearly on the verge of tears from the pain in your wrist and wonder if he was going to break it.

“Let go,” Iwaizumi orders again.

And this time he does, the man, nothing but a weak buffoon, frees your wrist and walks off in a trudge.

“You okay?” Iwaizumi walks over to you to take a look at your wrist. 

You nod, letting out a deep exhale trying to hide how petrified you were while holding your wrist.

“Does it hurt,” he asks, gently applying pressure to it. “Let me take a look.”

Initially, you flinch at his touch, afraid the searing pain will return, instead, his fingertips lightly trace your wrist while analyzing it thoroughly.

“Let me take you to a hospital to be sure.”

“No, no,” you breathe, locking eyes with him. “I’m fine, just a little sore.

Iwaizumi’s face flickers with a bit of uncertainty but decides not to push it and lets go of your wrist to take out a cigarette.

“Fuck,” you hiss. You felt like an idiot for going off on your own, for drinking this much, for going out at all. “I’m sorry.”

Deeply inhaling the smoke, he turns to you, “For what?”

“For running off by myself, and you totally just saving my ass. It’s just… pathetic,” you exclaim, reverting eye contact with him-- you’re slightly embarrassed and his silence is only telling, considering you barely know each other. “I swear to god, I’m not normally like this.” 

“It’s not pathetic,” he states, shrugging his shoulders. “Oikawa says you’re dealing with shit.”

Your reaction isn’t short of an embarrassment. His words hurt you as the scenario of Oikawa telling Iwaizumi about your break-up fills your mind. You scoff. “I’m fine!”

“You’re a horrible liar.” Iwaizumi didn’t have a problem calling you out as you stared at him after a few moments of silence. 

“So what am I supposed to tell him?” you mutter, this surge of anger sweeps over you, you feel this swell of rage boiling inside. “That it’s ok to see my ex, not even a day broken-up with a new girl? It’s fucking bullshit!”

He turns to look at you and blinks at your reaction. The sudden unexpected word vomit makes you pause. 

“Sorry… I didn’t mean to take it out on you,” you whisper. “It’s just weird, you know, all of it. I didn’t expect to be blindsided like that. It’s just…” You look over to Iwaizumi listening intently to you and feel your face grow hot. “Oh my god, I’m sorry! You never asked.”

It’s awkward and quiet, you’re pretty sure Iwaizumi can feel it too. You’re puzzled with what to say and feel pressured to express a less depressing answer. You didn’t want to drop the mood of the evening. In those moments, it became apparent you needed to sober up.

“Can I have one?” you ask. 

He looks at you with wide eyes, “You smoke?”

You take out your lighter that you have stowed away in your purse flaunting it as evidence of your new bad habit. Iwaizumi tosses you the pack of smokes.

“You’re not going to tell on me, are you?” You’re trying to sound like you’re joking but a hint of worry seeps through and you’re left waiting for a serious response from him.

“Your secret’s safe with me.”

[blacksunscorpio]

Astro Musings No.1

Jupiter, as well as your Moon in your Natal chart, can show your addictions just as much as Neptune can. Jupiter is about excess and your Moon is your emotional state. Where one feels comfort or how they process these things/emotions.  Mercury placements or Mercury Dominant often make people great lyricists and communicators. Many famous rappers are actually Gemini’s (Notorious B.I.G, 2 Pac, Kanye, Kendrick, Andre 3000, etc). That's because Gemini is ruled by Mercury/the god of communication. He also rules the lungs. People with this dominance are very good with wordplay and are blessed with the gift of gab. 

Your Sun is still important

...despite modern astrologers attempting to throw it away. Your sun is your core. Your ego. Your basic identity. I’ve said it once and I’ll say it a thousand more-- we are heliocentric as a galaxy. This means all our planets orbit around the Sun. The same goes for your natal chart. Say you have a Gemini Sun and Capricorn moon but seem to identify more with Capricorn-- Your moon is your emotional habits-- and you know what they say about habits: they’re hard to break. This simply means you will always be a Gemini at your core even if you have the emotional tendencies and habits of a Capricorn. The same goes for those who say Lunar Scorpios are more ‘Plutonic’ than Solar Scorpios Now, it may seem that way, but this myth is only prevalent because emotions are extremely primal and powerful things. When they rear their head in a Plutonic way, people mistake the intensity for dominant power when in reality more drama does not equate more scorpionic influence. In fact, Scorpio’s are rarely the types to put on a show. They leave that for their Cousins-- The Cancers, The Arians [also ruled by Mars] & the Pisceans. True Scorpios prefer to be the tacticians. The ones who quietly observe their surroundings and flex when it comes to spatial awareness. They will rarely draw unnecessary attention to themselves and emotional scenes will often be kept under lock and key/private.

Speaking of Scorpio’s cousins, believe it or not, Aries, Sag’s and Cancers are the true divas of the zodiac, not Leos. That’s because Leo’s are upfront about what they want and will not surprise you with their scenes.

You know what’s coming/always knew it was there.  As for the aforementioned three, these triplets demand attention and praise or notice from others. Aries demand to be noticed for their prowess and skills, Sag’s can be excessive and demanding-- they want what they want and they want it NOW. No questions asked. Fueled by fire and Jupiter’s penchant for drama--you will never forget it if you don’t cough up what they demand. I.E. Nicki Minaj and her Grammy stunt[s]. Cancers give ultimatums to expedite the process of getting what they want. They are hard-pressed to demonstrate patience for people or to wait for situations to play out. They are never about the long game. They can be very coercive and forceful. At their worst, they can even be bullies. Of course, this is not the rule, I often find that December Sag’s, are more intense than November Sag’s. April Arians are less high strung than March Arians and July Cancers tend to act out more of the ‘diva qualities’ mentioned above than June Cancers.

Pluto is your friend.

Yes, the shadow is your friend. Pluto often gets a bad rap for being this torturous unknown force that comes to destroy/transform but that is not the case. Pluto is all about transformations, yes but transformations for the better. He is the garbage man. He gets rid of the trash. Toxic relationship? Ok! Pluto will rip it from you. It will hurt. You will cry. But after you’ve used up all the kleenex, you will have spidey senses. You will see those red flags before they and their cheap cologne darken your doorstep. You will level up. And while you’re doing that, Pluto will let you watch as he terrorizes your abuser. Pluto is justice. Not like Libra where all is fair and balanced by the scales. Pluto is Karma. Karmic Justice at that. The equalizer. He will show you the ugly of all those who wore the mask of ‘friend’. See, Pluto gets nasty rep because he forces you to see what you’d love to ignore. He makes you feel what society tells you to be numb to. Euphoria, Obsession, jealousy, bliss, even paranoia. Pluto is the depths. You need to feel. Jealousy is not an ugly emotion, ENVY is. They are not synonymous but people use them interchangeably. Pluto can be jealous, but jealousy is simply the sensation that something important might be taken from you. Envy is seeing someone have something, and hating them for it/not wanting them to have it. Pluto is not envious. He rules the underworld and in his realm live all of Earth’s riches. Gems, diamonds, gold, jewels. He is the wealthiest-- what could he possibly be envious of? Paranoia is equated to him too, but this is simply an exacerbation of his skill at being prepared. Pluto is a GENERAL. He wants you to have a PLAN. And when you don’t he forces you to get one, whether you’re prepared or not. Pluto is Chess, not Checkers. Pluto is the bandaid ripper. Pluto's love is cold and hard but empowering. He exposes. Shows the ugly. Friend’s you weren’t sure were enemies? Pluto rips their masks off so you have no choice but to see their ugliness. You will be disenchanted. Maybe even heartbroken. But a moment of grief for a lifetime of healthy happiness is Pluto’s payoff. Pluto also represents in the chart the area where we can most empower ourselves and elevate our lives and our dignity. Pluto will disempower your just to elevate you and make your story of failure a story of victory. He’s the ULTIMATE glow up King. Pluto shows us where we can triumph if we find a way to revolutionize or otherwise radically transform/change ourselves internally, despite our external challenges. Plutonic cleansings are like working out or giving birth. Excruciatingly painful to the point where you feel like you want to die but the result is a whole new body/person you’re absolutely in love with. He is purging.  Again, Pluto is about evolution. He does not and will not allow you to stay stagnant/in one stage of your life. He forces you to grow and if you won’t he has no qualms with making you. Pluto is not soft. 

Speaking of which. This includes his influence in the bedroom. Often people will talk about plutonic influence in a dark way. As if his influence sexually is something dark/forbidden or something to be ashamed of. Quite the contrary. Pluto rules sex. Literally. It was his domain before it was anyone else's’. Therefore, everything about sex is simply an offshoot of his influence. The rougher, primal, knee-shaking, back-scratching, neck biting, squirting/screaming orgasm, ball-gag wearing stuff? Completely ‘OK’ in his book. He wants you to experience that. The reasoning is that Pluto loves to explore and honor edgier sentiments within. Pluto urges us all to normalize fetishes and fully embrace this side of ourselves. Why? Because Pluto wants us all to live our truth, not hide. Can’t say the same for his brother Neptune though.

See, Neptune is who you should be worried about.

Neptune is the ruler of what is hidden. The realm of the unknown. All that is fantastic, the stuff of fantasy, illusions, dreams, day-dreams, etc. He puts a veil on things. Adds confusion to the mix. makes things hard to see. While Pluto strips away the hidden, Neptune happily puts on the blindfold. Not only does he hand you the rose-colored-glasses, he hands you a ruffied pint to go with it. The essence of this planet is ILLUSION.  With Neptune, it can be difficult to ascertain where and how things are working against you, or you have a hard time figuring out who or what it is. Neptune is about confusion. Neptune clouds your judgment, so you're especially vulnerable to deception and trickery. [Those with hard Neptune aspects can testify] Enemies can be especially difficult to make out/avoid when he’s involved and bad judgment all around can be a theme when he rears his foggy head.  What also makes him so dangerous is because he walks around looking like everything you want. The dream of dreams, if-you-will. As a result, he makes you receptive to mind-altered states. Can even make one prone to hallucinations, the use of poisons such as drugs and alcohol. Even spending copious amounts fo time building castles-in-the-air and neglecting reality. You become addicted to whatever he lays in front of you. The fantasy is more alluring than reality. With Neptune adversely aspected or too many hard aspects to inner planets, this can cause chaos that can negatively impact a native or those closest to them. Neptune on Mercury can be particularly dangerous if ill-aspected because it can cause dishonesty to a pathological degree or simply mental instability. Think Joe Goldberg from ‘You’. 100% crazy 200% delusional. This guy definitely has a shot a gallon of Neptune in his natal cocktail. Manufacturing scenarios that aren’t really occurring. Obsessively daydreaming and idealizing strangers. Successfully conning others into thinking he’s a normal and stable guy when he’s anything but. His judgment is clouded as is the judgment of the poor souls who encounter him, while you, as a viewer, watch in horror. That’s what Neptune does. You won’t see reality until it’s wayyyy too late [RIP Beck].  Neptune rules over all chaotic feelings, and can easily un-focus the lens, making us inclined to obsess over impossible dreams and yearn for far-out things. OMG Neptune is all about yearning. Yearning for the unattainable. But as Dumbledore said: 

“It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live.”

But that’s what Neptune will make you do. Forget to live. Dwell on the impossible. Make you prone to hypnotic mindstates that steal moments of your life away. Sex with Neptune can be almost spiritual but it can cause one to get addicted to the rush, and with Neptune clouding judgment, one can perhaps become addicted to sex or even participate in risky sexual behavior. Neptune at its worst also influences death by mysterious means, suicides, death by drowning, disappearance, or even poisoning if found in the eighth house or connected to it.

Neptune is a beautiful planet. Methane causes it to have that brilliant blue hue. It rains diamonds. But again, there but the aura/odor around it is methane. In layman’s terms? The planet literally smells like shit. This classic example of not all that glitters is gold. Tread very carefully when Neptune is around and keep your eyes peeled. Something or someone may not really be what it/they seem. Astro Musings No. 2  Astro Musings No. 3 Astro Musings No. 4  Astro Musings No. 5 Astro Musings No. 6 Astro Musings No. 7 Astro Musings No. 8  Astro Musings No. 9  Astro Musings No. 10

[bootlegsymphony]

How localization altered the nuances in several Komaeda/Hinata lines: an incomplete list.

Or alternatively, the thread could be read as “how Komaeda/Hinata’s relationship was presumably intended to be more narratively significant in the Japanese original than the English version made you believe”.

I’ll have to be honest my Japanese is pretty shit and I never experienced a playthrough in Japanese text, but whenever I cared enough to inspect some scenarios from a Japanese LP, I often noticed how certain tones/emotions/subtexts were insinuated differently than the English version with some Koma/Hina lines. It didn’t feel like a mere coincidence. The Japanese lines were in general...rather subtle and rich in nature, while the official translation sometimes tends to obscure or diminish those nuances.

It’s nowhere near a comprehensive write-up by any means but I’ll list whatever I’ve gathered.

Oh, and I’m not covering the aborted love confession in his last FTE since it was too explicit.

Starting with some wordplay. Some people might have the impression that Komaeda says “friends” a lot, and were baffled when Komaeda made such a huge deal out of becoming friends with Hinata in Island Mode. But truth is, he scarcely ever used the proper word for friend, which is “友達”(Tomodachi) . During Prologue, Ch.1 and his earlier FTEs, the word he actually used was “仲間”(Nakama), which should be more accurately translated into “ally, comrade”. Nakama can be casually said among any group of people who share a similar objective or same preference of certain things, but no interpersonal affinity is implied; yet Tomodachi is more cordial and intimate. Komaeda made a very clear distinction between Nakama and Tomodachi as he only used the latter twice iirc: one was during the Island Mode ending, one was in UTDP; both with Hinata. He views true friendship dearly, and Hinata in both endings was the only person he could call a friend.

In Komaeda’s third FTE where he was demonstrating an imaginary situation regarding how his luck works, he said sth like “at the hospital you met a lovely nurse and became a lovey dovey couple”. Many would have thought he was alluding to meeting Mikan. That’s most likely not the case, since Mikan’s title in the original was “保健委員”, which should be more faithfully translated into “health committee member”. In this scenario Komaeda used “看護士”, which is a gender neutral term of “nurse”. Once again the translation reduced the differences.

A rather infamous and anecdotal one: during Komaeda’s first FTE where he managed to share some pure-hearted exchanged with Hinata, instead of “Ultimate Spiky Hair”, he actually teased him with “Ultimate Tsun Tsun Hair”. Ya know, having both Komaeda and Monokuma mentioning Hinata as a tsundere is arguably important.

During the Ch.1 trial when Komaeda had a breakdown and revealed his motive and methods, Hinata was in disbelief. In original he asked himself, “本当に…あの狛枝あのか？” Which could be translated into, “Is he really...that Komaeda (that I knew)?” The emphasis on “that Komaeda” might imply that Hinata couldn’t quite associate this maniac person in front of him with that dependable buddy he spent time with. He was in slight denial and wasn’t ready to move on from his perception of “that Komaeda” just yet. However, in English it was “is he...is he the * real * Nagito?” as if he was able to acknowledge that the person in trial is real, yet he was somewhat ready to ditch the image of pre-trial Komaeda he once had. The change was subtle but noteworthy.

Similarly, just before Komaeda’s reveal, when Hinata was forced to implicate Komaeda, in English he reminisced Komaeda’s company, “We investigated together, you were so kind...” Meanwhile in Japanese it went “一緒に捜査したお前が...あんなに優しいお前が...” which could be roughly translated into “You that investigated together with me, you that were so kind...”. While both conveys Hinata’s emotion that he was conflicted and heartbroken, the extra emphasis on “you” in the original implied it’s not just the memory of Komaeda’s company, but Komaeda himself that Hinata somewhat treasured dearly before the trial. (Prior to the trial, Komaeda’s presence was important to Hinata, and it’s implied he might have never let that go. )

Before every trial Hinata had a monologue commemorating the victim. In Komaeda’s, he remembered the scene Komaeda woke him up on the beach. The matched English text was, “When we first met, I thought he was a nice guy.” which was rather casual and nonchalant. However in Japanese it was considerably more serious and verbose, it went “最初に会った時は、人当たりがいい好青年だと思ってたけど” which could be translated into “When we first met, I thought he was a fine young man who left a good impression”. Note that the “fine young man” phrase, “好青年” is rather formal and doesn’t make a common appearance in colloquial usage. In addition, Hinata had to double the emphasis that Komaeda both left a favorable first impression and generally felt like a good-hearted person, which just, further supported the hypothesis that pre-trial Komaeda truly left a strong impression on him, or how much he was still conflicted.

Upon Komaeda’s body discovery, Hinata went on with another long-ass monologue. In English version, at some point he said “Deep down I believed...that when the killings finally ended, I’d never see this guy again”, as if he never wished to cross path with Komaeda outside the killing game. Yet in original it was “こいつがいなくなるのわ、このふざけたコロシアイに終止符が打たれる時だと” which translates into something like “Deep down I believed, when he’s no more, it’d be the moment these foolish killings coming to an end”. Notice that the reversed causality considerably changes the mood. The Japanese line is up to interpretations but to me it has a notable sense of “his departure would mark the end of the world as we know it”.

Hinata also referred to Komaeda as “あの狛枝(that Komaeda)” repeatedly regarding his first reactions to Komaeda’s body discovery. Which was debatably a deliberate choice of word to echo #4’s situation in trial one. It could be argued that he’s reluctant to let go of memories of Bad Komaeda similarly as he was reluctant to let go of pre-trial Good Komaeda in Trial 1. Now that both were gone.

I was unsure of some certain expressions thus I consulted a friend who’s not in the DR fandom. I might have omitted some other instances and would add to the post later on.