#I said sorry i'm an atheist and he said that i'm welcomed to come back to the church (in the literal sense) 😭

[dieletztepanzerhexe]

THE MOPST AWKWARD THING JUST HAPPENED SOMEONE KNOCKED SO I WENT TO ANSWER THE DOOR AND IT WAS A PRIEST LMAO. WHY THE FUCK DID HE TRY TO COME HERE IF THERE IS NO K+M+B ON MY DOOR????? WHY WOULD HE TRY TO GO WHERE HE'S CLEARLY NOT WANTED (AND WILL NOT BE GIVEN ANY MONEY)? SOOOO AWKWARD

[edennill]

If Tolkien characters had Tumblr blogs part 2:

part 1

Finduilas:

url: waitingtothewind

pfp: drawing of a fictional crush in pastel colours (babygirl fulfills her royal duty to exercise patronage over artists by comissioning reams of fanart lol)

bio: ✧˖･* princess finduilas of nargothrond :) ✧˖･* 47 ✧˖･* poetry appreciator ✧˖･* romantic at heart ✧˖･* girl of many fandoms ✧˖･* favourite animal: doggos ✧˖･* favourite food: strawberry juice ✧˖･* and if I had a voice that could make mountains melt I would walk over stars just to see how it felt ✧˖･*

title: ₓ˚. ୭ ˚○◦˚.˚◦○˚ ୧ .˚���

has a very pink custom theme with a fancy font. runs a fandom/aesthetic blog and stays clear of discourse. writes really good meta that is quite popular and poems that get notes in the single digits. doesn't really know how to deal with anon hate. participates in every tag game she comes across.

Maeglin:

url: keeps changing it between @molelol and @twilitdark because he likes small animals, but wants to sound edgy.

pfp: keeps changing it between a baby mole and the kind of very dark photo where you can't really see what it's supposed to be.

bio: M / not a minor

title: the dark under the trees

guards his personal info incredibly closely (a good practice, but how much of it is due to his father having been so controlling that he learned secrecy early on is up for discussion). rarely posts, mostly reblogs photos and shitposts. vaguely vents about his idril/tuor/gondolin/treason problems. when he gets into discussions with people he can be uncomfortably fierce, has sent anon hate on occasion.

Celebrimbor:

url: craftingsilver

pfp: red eight pointed star (default variation, not technically fëanorian) on yellow background

bio: older/younger than you think | look I've seen the Trees that's enough | Noldorin jewelsmith | male

title: time and soul, wrought and tempered

mostly posts and reblogs crafting tiktoks and tips, sometimes adds a dash of science, philosophy or something personal. has made a resolution to filter out any posts pertaining to his family on his dashboard and keeps to it almost till the end. shows a strong sense of humour and has gathered quite a following.

Idril:

url: celebrin-does-things

pfp: blurred photo of her with her back to the camera

bio: 500s - architect, wife and mother - everyone is welcome

title: "ammë, there's winter in my boots"

started off as a miscellaneous blog, but shifted to being mostly about Eärendil's shenanigans. she vaguely vents about maeglin/gondolin/cousin's treason sometimes, but still comes off as way more laid back than irl. hardly used her tumblr before her son was born and still treats it mostly as a place to document things he has said + a way to talk with like three treasured mutuals. the architect part in bio is mostly a ruse because she has only ever completed one or two projects but can hardly reveal she's a princess, can she? (before the fall of nargothrond if she got on tumblr it was to nag Finduilas to remove her personal info from bio hah)

@eri-pl, this is in part because you asked (a while ago, sorry), though I'm afraid I don't have much to say about all your suggestions. I prefer not to get into Sauron's headspace actually, but the idea of him having access to social media is horrifying lol. And Pharazon has all the worst characteristics of Reddit atheists, non-ironic modern white supremacists and racist trolls rolled into one with the added horror of the new unsavoury state cult. Míriel is not allowed a sim card🙁😬

also I'm just now realising I tagged a compatriot in something I wrote at 3 am so if you have time stamps on you now know my messed up sleep schedule and if you don't I've just told you lol but never mind.

[scekrex]

Hiya, as promised I'm coming with another idea

So, you know this ”Why didn't you tell me?" meme? I was just watching some shorts on YouTube and it showed up. And that was it, I got an idea.

So Reader is an atheist and after his death he somehow became an angel. For the first dozen or so days the reader was in deep shock, because that all that nonsense the church says is actually real (he nearly has a heart attack) . Now we have scenery much later in time, Adam and Reader are obviously dating and Reader just bought a new apartment to be closer to Adam's. So there is a home party, there are few guests, obviously Adam is there, Lute and reader's first friend in heaven. The house party isn't a house party without alcohol and some good music (I'm not forgetting about food, because a hangover is a bitch). At the end of the party, Zack (I just came up with a name for the reader's friend), Adam and Lute are staying. They all sit on the couch and are finishing all the foods and drinks that are left, they talk, because silence is not cool. During the conversation Zack suddenly blurts out that the reader is atheist, then the meme takes place, but I'll leave that to you :p

And yes, I played with colours :p

Dude I adore that you play w colors bc that makes it way easier for my adhd to focus on it

Drunken Truths

pairing: Adam x male!reader

warnings: language, use of alcohol, sexual tension

note: beta read by @drxgonspine

The lights were bright and so were the colors of the walls of the room you found yourself in. You were not able to take the scenery in properly because of a small girl that was suddenly all in your face, asking you dozens of questions. What you did notice was that the room was not a hospital room though and therefore it made no sense to you at all.

You blinked multiple times, trying to get your eyes used to the sudden brightness. Where would you be if not in a hospital? Because the last thing you were able to remember was the tight, wet and sharp walls of a dark cave you had been in. But that was it, that was the only memory you had. You were not able to remember where that cave was located or why you had entered it in the first place. You could not remember if it had been just you inside that cave.

“Emily,” a soft and warm sounding voice reached your ears which caused you to snap out of it and seek for the source of that voice, because it surely was not the voice of the little girl who was invading your personal space a little too much.

A taller woman laid her hand down onto the girl’s shoulder, calming her down quicker than you had expected and with a quiet yet honest sounding, “Sorry,” the girl who’s name seemed to be Emily stepped aside to let the taller woman speak to you. It was only then that you realized something odd. Not only Emily but also the taller woman, who’s name you did not know yet, had wings. And not just two, they had six of them, covered in beautiful white feathers. You frowned at the people in front of you as you asked with a shaking voice, “Where am I?”

Emily looked at you in confusion, she seemed to not understand your question, acted as if the answer to that was as obvious as the fact that the sky was blue and the grass green. “Welcome to Heaven,” the taller woman greeted you, a smile underlining how happy she seemed to be about your arrival. Your body froze, your eyes widened and your brain shut down as you processed the said words.

Heaven.

But there was no such thing as Heaven, there was no such thing as angels or God, let alone the after life itself. Your back itched and as you were about to scratch it you felt something soft attached to it. Something that felt similar to- “Feathers?”

“I’m Sera,” the taller woman- angel? Woman. The taller woman introduced herself, ignoring your confusion like it was natural for people to react that way. Was it though?

“Okay let’s be real for a second,” your voice sounded steadier than it had before, you wanted closure, you wanted to know where you truly were and what the fuck was going on. “Where the fuck am I?”

Emily took that as her cue to shove herself in your personal space again - a thing you did not appreciate at all. “You’re in heaven, you passed divine judgment and are now allowed to spend your after life in the most angelic realms,” she explained, once again acting like it was the most normal and logical thing to say. But it truly wasn’t, not when angels were not supposed to exist and you had never believed in the concept of afterlife.

Your legs gave out underneath you and your knees hit the floor, pain shot through them but you couldn’t care less. You just kneeled there, staring at the blue floor, trying to sort things out in your mind. Your body felt numb, the pain felt unreal and the voices of the angels were not reaching you as your mind was filled with static. All of this was everything you had never believed in, how had you even passed divine judgment in the first place? Didn’t religious people always preach that atheists like you were meant to rot in hell for not seeing the truth despite it being right in front of your eyes? Well, apparently what they preached was wrong.

Your hands were shaking and so were your legs, your vision was blurry and your back felt as if it was carrying some extra weight, weight that was not supposed to be there. But you were too out of it to figure out why, not when everything felt unreal. You felt your heart beating in your throat, that’s how fast it was pounding, there was no air to breathe - at least for you there wasn’t - your lungs felt like they were going to explode any moment, your throat felt dry and the fabric covering your body was too soft to be real.

-

Your newly bought apartment was filled with people, the music was loud, so loud that you were able to feel the bass vibrating through the entire building. Your friends were playing drinking games, Zack and Lute made sure that no one threw up on the new carpet - they were drunk too, that wasn’t the question, but they were sober enough to take care of some of the guests who were unable to take care of themselves. You and Adam were somewhere between all of those people, dancing and grinding against each other to the beat of the music. Adam’s chest was pressed against your back, his hips grinding against yours as his arms were wrapped tightly around your chest. He was trying to keep you as close as possible and he made it quite obvious that you were his - not that any of your homies would have even thought about trying to flirt with you.

A group of guests was heading straight towards you, informing you that they were leaving. You said your goodbyes and then your boyfriend was all over you again, pushing you against the nearest wall. The first man lifted you up and you took that chance to wrap your legs around his waist, pulling the brunette in by his neck to press your lips against his. The kisses you shared were sloppy and reeked of alcohol but both you and him were too drunk to care - kisses were kisses and you ate up whatever Adam was serving.

Time felt like an illusion, it was just you and Adam for only God knew how long. That was until someone tapped your shoulder - Lute. Zack was right next to her. Your eyes scanned the room - an empty room. When did that happen? “As hot as it is to watch you two make out,” that comment earned Zack a smack on the head by Lute, who was enjoying your little make out session a little less. “Ouch, fuck Lute, the hell was that for?” Your best friend complained, rubbing the spot the woman had hit, the white haired lieutenant just shrugged wordlessly. “Anyway, what I was about to say was that your pissy friends left, it’s just us now,” the blonde hummed, seemingly happy that the group was now way smaller than it had been in the beginning.

You were not complaining either, less people meant more drinks for you - it also meant more food for you. So if anything, it was a win-win situation. “And if you two fucking leave my handsome little bitchboy ‘n’ I can fuck,” Adam bluntly said, looking at Lute and Zack as if they were interrupting the best moment in all of eternity.

“Not gonna happen,” Lute responded, shaking her head in disagreement to underline her statement. Zack seemed to agree with Adam’s lieutenant, not moving an inch. The brunette tossed his head back as he disappointingly groaned, yet he wrapped one hand around your back as he pulled away from the wall, taking you with him. His other hand - which had been buried in your hair before he removed it - grabbed your ass to keep your body from sliding down his own and ending up on the ground.

Your drunken mind took a moment to realize that you were moving - why were you moving? “Where ‘r’ we going?” The question was supposed to be a whisper and to you that’s exactly what it had been but in reality that ‘whisper’ came out as yelling.

“Geez, keep it down shithead, we’re going to the fucking couch so that I can lay the fuck down,” the brunette grumbled, still unpleased by the fact that Lute and Zack had just crushed his plans of fucking your brains out. Because his best friend and your best friend were following him to the couch. Given that neither of them had to carry your ass while also being shitfaced they reached the couch way quicker than Adam was able to and of course those bitches had to sit down in the middle of it, leaving just enough space for you and Adam on both ends.

“Fuck you,” Adam mumbled as he put you down next to Lute, knowing that the white haired woman will take care of you if things go south. The second you felt the softness of the couch hugging your body you leaned forwards to grab a bottle of Sex on the Beach from the table.

“I’ll tell God,” Zack responded jokingly before he downed a shot of tequila, the most wicked grin on his lips Adam had ever seen.

“God knows and lucky for your sad asses Big G fucking adores me and will not punish me for shit,” the brunette proudly responded as he sat down next to Zack and nudged the smaller man with his elbow. Lute just rolled her eyes at that. Adam was already so much when he was sober, it only got worse when he was drunk.

“Y’all need to see God and beg for forgiveness, maybe you should go pray or something.” Lute mumbled. The white haired woman wrapped one of her wings around you, watching in amusement as you traced the pattern on her wing with your finger.

Zack almost choked on the drink he had grabbed at some point, “How the fuck is Y/N supposed to see someone he doesn’t even believe in?”

And that sentence woke Adam up, for a split second he sobered up, leaned over to take a good look at you and asked quite loudly, “What?”

You flinched at his loud voice, you had been too focused on Lute’s wing. With an innocent look on your face you turned to Adam, “Huh?”

“You don’t believe in God?” the first man asked, the way he voiced it made his disbelief crystal clear, you on the other hand simply shrugged. “Nah, not really.” Adam’s eyes widened at the sudden realization. He pushed Zack and Lute against the backrest of the couch as he leaned in closer to you - as close as he could get from the other side of the couch.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” For a reason you did not understand, the taller male sounded quite angry.

“Well, because I wanted to keep it a secret,” you brabled sarcastically before leaning in too, the tip of Adam’s nose was almost touching yours. “Obviously I didn’t fucking know that you didn’t know.”

That caused Adam to wordlessly blink at you and just as he was about to break the silence, Lute cut him off by pushing you and him away from each other but most importantly away from her as she got up. “Bedtime. Now,” she ordered, pulling you into her arm to slowly guide you to your bedroom.

Your boyfriend was about to get up to follow his lieutenant who was taking you away from him but Zack pulled him back down. “You’re staying here. On the fucking couch.”

[rosekeu]

soft like a bunny : r. sukuna

this is part 2!

a/n: highschool au, fem!reader, reader has braces, shy+nerdy+sensitive reader! [if you don't like that then leave ig lol] soft spot for reader ૮꒰ ˶• ༝ •˶꒱ა ♡

sypnosis: looking for your sensei lead to you bumping into your bullies but luckily a feared first-year saves you from your torment!

【 playlist 】

[ part 1 ] [ part 3 ] [ part 4 ] [ part 5 coming soon! ]

y/n sat anxiously in one of the two seats which were in front of the principal’s desk. she fiddled with her thumbs as she wondered what her friends were doing. sukuna sat in the chair beside her, his eyes glancing over at her here and there. 

‘he’s looking at me!’ y/n thought as her eyes never met his.

sukuna right leg bounced, losing his patience. but principal yaga didn't keep them waiting for long as he sat in his chair silently. 

“y/n l/n and sukuna itadori, correct?”

“yes” both said in unison, giving their principal their full attention.

“y/n, could you tell me what happened?” 

“of course– i was looking for my teacher, gojo-sensei, and then a few guys blocked my way. t-they um- they j-just shoved m-me onto a locker and–”

“cut the crap! they literally assaulted the poor girl, saying the fucking meanest insults and putting their grimy hands on her face!” sukuna yelled at not only the principal but y/n herself as he gripped the armrest a little too tight, turning his knuckles white. y/n squirmed in her seat as she heard his words, her [e/c] eyes staying glued to her lap.

“is that true l/n?” yaga asked. 

“yes–” y/n murmured, her head hanging low as she gripped her skirt. ashamed of her anxiety.

“i’ll handle the situation with the boys who did that, sukuna you're going on a one week suspension young man” yaga said firmly, finding the papers which were for the corresponding situation. sukuna groaned, stretching his face with his hands.

‘fuck my life’

“p-please principal yaga– don't suspend itadori-kun, h-he helped me and he shouldn't get in trouble for my fault. i am incompetent–” she said softly, her eyes holding guilt. sukuna’s eyes widened with her statement. was she really going to convince the principal who was known for his strict suspensions?

but she was a star pupil. 

“alright– alright. i’ll make it a 2 day suspension, does that sound good l/n?” y/n cracked a smile. sukuna let go of the breath he didn't know he was holding. 

‘i’m an atheist but this girl is my goddess’ 

“you both may leave my office, you both are free right now… use your time wisely.” yaga said looking at his wristwatch.

“yeah, whatever you say, old man.” sukuna said quickly exiting the office, y/n following not far behind. 

both of them leaving, y/n was already making a beeline to the bathroom but got stopped by a hand on the back of her shirt.

“i appreciate what you did back there or somethin’...”

“no problem– i’m glad you didnt get in trouble that much,” she said nervously as she turned to him.

“i know i’m not much but, i helped you at least, right? i'm y/n by the way, you probably know that already..” y/n’s said remembering the principal introducing the both of you.

“you did more than that, fuck, you saved me from an ass whooping from my mom.” he said, internally thanking this angel of a woman. 

“you're welcome and i’m really, really sorry for getting you in trouble.”

“stop apologizing, its annoying.”

if you want to be tagged let me know!

[pansexualkiba]

"Well then, whose pee have I been carrying around on this stick all day?!" Kirishima demanded.

"Hey Yuuga," Todoroki asked, whirling around the corner and attracting Aoyama and Iida's attention, "Do you think our baby's going to come out French or Japanese? No, no," He held up a hand, halting whatever answer Aoyama could possibly give, "Never mind I asked. I want to be surprised."

The cheer squad stared in surprise. "Wait, Aoyama, you're pregnant?!" Kaminari realized.

"HA!" Bakugou barked.

"Oui, it is true." Aoyama nodded, "I am carrying Shouto's baby. So, it is my pee that you hold upon your stick, Eijirou."

"Uh, yeah, Kirishima, put that thing away," Kaminari grimaced.

"I… I…" Kirishima looked downtrodden. "Sorry." He went to throw away the pregnancy test.

Bakugou meanwhile was cackling with glee. "You're fucking pregnant?!" He screamed in laughter, pointing at Aoyama. "That's hysterical! Oh, and you?" He motioned to his ex-boyfriend, "You're a fucking idiot! You wear fucking footie pajamas you stupid idiot!"

"My feet get cold-" Todoroki mumbled.

"SHUT THE FUCK UP!" Bakugou shouted in glee.

"He has cold feet!" Aoyama protested.

Bakugou didn't care. He just kept right on laughing. "I love it," He wheezed, "You can't even speak Japanese," He pointed to Aoyama, "You're a fucking moron!" He pointed to Todoroki, then fell back into cackling as he got onto his knees in prayer. "God? It's me, Katsuki. I know I said I was an atheist; I was wrong. SO wrong. But I am back, and I am all yours! Do with me what you want!"

Bakugou got up from his kneeling position and put a hand to Aoyama's shoulders. "Thank you, Aoyama." He laughed. "Thank you so fucking much." Bakugou walked back to Kaminari. "This is the best day of my life! I'm going shopping!" He announced, cackling as he walked towards the doors.

"You are welcome, Katsuki." Aoyama said, wrapping an arm around Todoroki's waist, "There is no greater honor than being able to carry the, how do you say, baby of the man you love."

Bakugou's laughter died down as he came to a full stop. "…Are you fucking serious?" He asked calmly, "We all, just, said baby like, ten times." He motioned to Kirishima and Kaminari, then pointed at Aoyama. "Y- You even just said the word baby." Bakugou began to hyperventilate as Kaminari and Kirishima looked at each other in alarm. "So d- So don't fucking act like you don't know how to say baby, you pregnant Canadian bitch!" He gritted through his teeth.

As Kaminari and Kirishima held Bakugou back from lunging at Aoyama, said blond boy shrugged. "Okay." He giggled, and wandered off with Todoroki in tow.

"Byeeeeeeeeeeee!" Iida said, following Aoyama.

As Bakugou struggled with the other two boys, Kaminari strained to calm him down. "It's- not- worth it- Kat!" He gritted, "Back- off!" He pushed Bakugou away, and the two panted.

"Yeah, I forget how to say baby, like all the time." Kirishima shrugged.

[cafedanslanuit]

(Hey! I'm from South America too! Yayyyy!) What if Jumin got stucked quarantined with MC on her parents house and she got a cold (no covid symptoms) and MC's parents were the overbearing nosy type (you know, latino parents 😂)? Would Jumin side with them and their home remedies? What to do when you can't make use of all your money instead😱? Lol! Thanks! 🤡

I’m a simple girl, I see a request for a latina MC and I write it down <3 So yaaaay! So nice to have you reading my blog~ I had SO MUCH FUN writing these headcanons! I tried to make MC’s parents feel as a couple of VERY latino parents without falling into stereotypes and I think I got it. I hope you enjoy reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it <3

important note: even if this is set in the current pandemic, it’s very light and fun, so have no worries! <3 and there are no mentions of the virus, so nobody feels triggered ~

.❀。• *₊°。 ❀°。 .❀。• *₊°。 ❀°。 .❀。• *₊°。 ❀°。 .❀。• *₊°。

Listen, Jumin is a man of SCIENCE. He may not understand it completely but this man is a very preoccupied caretaker when it comes to MC getting sick. He has a personal doctor that will come at any hour to the penthouse and do a check up even if all she has is the stomach flu.

MC isn’t used to that, but he lets her husband take care of her. It feels nice to see how much Jumin cares about her well-being.

They were visiting her parents in South America, whom they hadn’t seen since the wedding. Jumin hadn’t really been to MC’s hometown before, so he was looking forward doing some sightseeing, tourism and trying new commoner foods he just had to try, as MC said. He didn’t know what the big deal was about this salchipapa, it was just fried sausage and french fries, but MC was really excited about taking him to a food truck and making him have a bite of everything.

But the pandemic started.

At first, MC was sad about they not being able to do any kind of tourism while on her country, as she was looking forward teaching Jumin about her culture. They planned to stay in a hotel, but MC’s parents insisted they both stayed with them to save money and also have their daughter close. Considering it would be a good idea to take care of her folks in that situation, they agreed.

Everyone had agreed to speak English in the house as he didn’t understand Spanish quite well yet and MC’s parents didn’t understand Korean at all.

Jumin didn’t understand latino parents.

And no, he didn’t mean in in a bad way. He knew how much MC loved her parents and it was obvious they loved her too, but the amount of boundaries they had broken and how unphased MC seemed was really confusing.

For starters, her mom would randomly knock their bedroom door and bring them both a warm drink made of oatmeal and apples. It’s sweet, warm and suddenly he’s not feeling cold anymore.

“What’s this called, my love?” “Quaker.” “Yeah, that’s the brand of the oatmeal but what’s the drink called.” “…Quaker” “That’s what you call it?” “…Apple quaker?”

Another day, he was reading on his Kindle in the living room, when MC’s mother approached him, asking him what he wished to have for dinner, as everyone had already had their favourite dish in the week. He was startled and didn’t feel comfortable saying he liked steak or any other dish he actually liked, considering he knew MC’s parents weren’t wealthy enough to eat what he did on a daily basis.

Thankfully, MC saved him and told her mom she should prepare bisteck a lo pobre, and that he would probably like that.

“Bisteck?” “Yeah, beef steak.” “…But you said bisteck.” “It’s steak with fried egg and fried bananas and rice. It’s actually really good, trust me on this.”

Jumin also found out they ate rice with every dish. And he meant it. Every. Single. Dish.

Bisteck a lo pobre was really good though.

After lunch, the four of them would always stay on the table and chat a little. MC’s parents would take that chance to ask him about their lives in Korea, how were you adapting to a married life, if you were planning to have children soon, what funny stories he could them them about C&R etc. (spoiler: he didn’t think there were funny stories happening in C&R) 

They also liked to tell him embarrassing stories about MC’s time in highschool, which made her blush deep red, even though he found those stories endearing.

He liked to see them taking care of you both, but couldn’t help but compare it to his relationship with his own father, who loved him as well but wasn’t as warm and… interested with his relationship as MC’s parents were. It was nice, but really new for him.

Three weeks into the confinement, MC came down with the flu.

Jumin asked MC’s father what was their number of their personal physician. He answered they didn’t have one, they just went to the hospital whenever someone was ill.

Jumin: ????

Since it was only the flu and nothing else to worry about (Jumin had ended up calling a private laboratory to test MC and she was negative), all they had to do was wait for her symptoms to go away. Jumin suggested they call a pharmacy and buy some pills, but MC’s mother called nonsense. There was no need for ingesting so many chemicals.

Jumin: ?????????????????

He was reading to MC in their bedroom, trying to get her to relax, when her mom knocked the door. After MC asked her to come in, she entered the room, smiling softly at the newlyweds. 

“Baby, it's time for your inhalaciones de eucalipto" “Yes mom, let me just grab a towel"

As MC stood up, Jumin looked at her confused.

“A towel? In... all-- what?"

"Oh, steam inhalations. My mom puts some eucalipto leaves on a bowl with boiling water. I sit on the floor and cover myself and the bowl with a towel and breathe deep” she explained, as she took a towel from the closet.

“Like a sauna?”

“Yes! Just like that. Eucalipto helps with breathing”

Jumin never thought he would see her wife grab a bowl of boiling water with leaves, sit on the floor and cover herself with a towel but there she was. Giggling at her confusion, she invited him under the towel, saying there was no harm in him being with you there. He obliged to her request.

Ten seconds later, Jumin stood up, coughing, as he felt ice on his lungs.

“What was that plant?!” he asked in between coughs

“Sorry! I forgot my mom also put Vick Vaporub in it”

“YOU’RE BREATHING VICK VAPORUB?”

“IT’S FOR THE LUNGS”

The same night, you spiked a low fever. As Jumin changed again the wet cloth on your forehead, he heard your mother knocking on the door again. She showed MC a white bottle with a red cap and immediately he saw his wife’s eyes widening in horror.

“No” “But it’ really good for--” “No, no way” “But MC…” “Mom, I can’t stand thymoline…”

MC explained to Jumin it was usual for people in your country to soak the cloth in thymoline, since it supposedly helped lower the fever, but you couldn’t stand the smell. Seeing you mother insisted it was better than just water, he decided to check if it really had such a bad odor as MC said.

No, it didn’t.

It was worse.

The next day, the fever was gone, but MC still had a runny nose. For breakfast, her mother replaced quaker with a suspiciously good smelling tea. And he was a sucker for new tea.

“What’s in there, dear?” he asked

“Hmmm, what was in it, mom?” MC asked, redirecting the question to her mother.

“Borraja, escorzonera, eucalipto, menta and muña” she explained.

“Ah, Eucalipto. The one you used for the sauna” he remembered.

“Yes, that one. Would you like a cup too? It could help you prevent from getting the flu too” MC’s mom offered.

Jumin looked at MC, doubtful

“It doesn’t have Vaporub, right?”

“It doesn’t” MC giggled. “This one tastes actually good”

“Yes, thank you.”

When MC was about to take a sip, her father cleared his throat, looking at her with a raised eyebrow.

“What do we say before taking medicine?” he asked

“En nombre de Dios” MC sighed, and took her first sip. She then looked at Jumin and explained to him. “En nombre de Dios. In the name of God. Dad and mom always told me I should say that so the medicine works”

“Weren’t you an atheist?” Jumin asked. He couldn’t barely finish his question before MC began coughing loudly, gaining her folks attention. Once she regained her breath, she shot him a warning glare.

“Don’t say that in front of them!” she whispered. “They hate it when I say that. They think you made me convert back to christianity so let’s keep it like that”.

The symptoms disappeared in the course of three days with MC’s mom’s herbal remedies. Even if he couldn’t understand how MC could breathe Vick, he really enjoyed the tea her mom made for them both.

Jumin felt at ease chatting with her father or trying out new teas her mother made for him. He found out he didn’t have so hard to get along with them, as they were also welcoming him into their family.

Even if it was still new for him to see parents as invested in their daughter’s life as hers, he could see where did MC learn to be warm and caring as she was with him. Someday, he decided, he would go back again with his wife to do the tourism they couldn’t do this time and bring back as many of her mother’s herbal teas as he could.

[the-writing-mobster]

Yes Man AU

I know no one was asking for this, but this is literally my favorite movie! So as a small love letter to Yes Man starring Jim Carrey, I wrote a small au oneshot with the WDYW cast. I do hope you enjoy, and found it just as funny as I did while reading it! 

Yes Man AU 

Sans couldn't believe he was doing this. He couldn't believe he had let Nick talk him into coming. He hadn't even really talked him into it. Nick had just popped up out of nowhere, threw a rock into the university window where he worked and yelled at him to go to the stupid Yes Seminar while getting chased by security. 

Honestly the reason he had actually come to this stupid fucking thing was because he had accidentally blown off Papyrus's engagement party. What kind of a brother was he!? That was the wakeup call he needed to get off his ass. Maybe… maybe this would… he didn't know. He already felt stupid as he walked through the throngs of happy humans and monsters alike. 

It was like walking through a mega church. There was an air of… some weird spirituality sprinkled with scummy book stores. 

Everyone was so… smiley. He himself had a literal permanent grin on his face but… their smiles were different. Alive? 

“Sans! You actually came! I knew you would. Trust me man, this is what you need. You're gonna love this man. You need this!” Sans nodded along, trying to hide his pained grimace as best he could from his longtime friend. 

“Yeah well… I just… yeah,” he murmured as Nick dragged him to their seats in the audience. Sans sat awkwardly amongst the jabbering crowd as Nick waited impatiently for the seminar to start. 

He felt as out of place as an atheist during mass. 

Then the lights dimmed and a hush fell over the crowd. Music swelled throughout the room and his brow bones raised and he glanced at Nick, who's eyes were wide with childish excitement. 

“Life… we are all living it… Or are we?” spoke a mystical voice. Sans grunted. 

“Riveting…” 

“Change is generated from consciousness, but where is consciousness generated from? From the external. And how do we control the external? ... With one word. And what is that word?” 

“YES!” screamed the crowd, Sans jumping in his seat at the sudden roar of noise. He laughed nervously and shot Nick a desperate look, already regretting his decision to come. 

A man emerged onto the stage, a monster. An old tortoise man in a sharp white suit and silver tie. 

“The word is yes! Yes. Yes! Yes!” Sans smirked and leaned over to Nick. 

“That's what she said,” he teased and Nick rolled his eyes as he stifled his snicker, punching Sans lightly on the shoulder. 

“What are you, twelve? Pay attention.” 

“Say it a million times. Say it a million more times. And the word you will have said two million times is…” This time Sans was expecting it and waved his hand with annoyed amusement as the crowd screamed YES once more. There was an uproar of cheer and staggering emotion that swept through the ballroom. Sans didn’t know what to think of it. There was such a mixture of being freaked out and being very interested in what was about to occur that he merely just sat there in stunned, awkward silence while the crowd lost their fucking minds. 

Finally, everyone had the decency to shut up and let the old tortoise talk. Sans let out a breath and leaned back in his seat. He hadn’t even realized he was on the edge of it. 

“I want you to invite yes into your life… because when you say yes to things, you will embrace the possible.” Sans’s eyes wandered the stadium. Psh, what a bunch of horse shit. 

“You gobble up all of life’s energies… and excrete the waste.” Sans furrowed his brow with puzzled disgust at the wording and shot a wary look at Nick. What the fuck did he drag me to? 

“I would like to welcome our newcomers… Who among us is new?” asked the turtle man, his eyes glittering in the spotlight. Nick jumped up and pointed directly at Sans with giddy excitement. 

“He is! This guy right here!” Sans’s soul dropped to the floor, his eyelights snuffing out and leaving his sockets black as the abyss. He shot Nick a poisonous warning glare. The entirety of the ballroom seemed to turn and lock their eyes onto him. 

“Haha… I’m gonna kill you...” he growled under his breath as he shot a sheepish, nervous grin at everyone. His threat didn’t phase Nick, who continued despite Sans’s embarrassment, to point him out to everyone. 

“Come on up, future Yes Man!” beckoned the tortoise. Sans grimaced and shook his head, he was flooded with humiliation. He really was going to murder Nick Creamer. No doubts about it. He was already planning where to dismember and bury his body. 

“Uh… No thanks I’m just… auditing?” he called back. The crowd vocally cringed at him, some laughing and shaking their heads like they knew exactly what was about to happen. He couldn’t believe his luck, or rather lack of luck. 

“You can’t audit life my friend, now get on up here!” Sans seethed through his teeth and gave the fucker a dismissive wave of his hand. 

“Nah… No thanks, I'm good.” Let it go old man. 

“I’m sorry, what was that you just said?” he asked. Sans gritted his teeth and shot Nick a withering glare. Nick merely smirked smugly at him, sealing his fate. He glanced back up at the dumb ass turtle and shook his head stubbornly. 

“Uh… I’m good?” he grunted. We could play this game all night. It was clear though that Gerson wasn’t going to let this go. 

“Before that.” Asshole. Fuck you Nick. You’re dead. You’re so dead. You’re already dead. The crowd all looked at him expectantly. He wanted to wipe their smug little grins off their faces. This was awful. This was worse than the entirety of middle school. 

“Thank you…?” he said again. A few people rolled their eyes at him and he growled. Gerson shook his head and held up his hand as if trying to reach something intangible. This guy ain’t gonna let up. 

“Back up just a little bit more…” Sans glared at him and ran his tongue along the edges of his fangs. Nick nudged him and he punched him in the shoulder hard. Nick winced and held his aching arm. Sans grunted, sinking under the pressure. 

“...No—” 

“—No man! No Man, No Man, NO MAN!” Sans shrunk into himself as the crowd yelled at him, wagging their fingers as they shamed him and only him. 

“Ok! If the molehill won’t come to Gerson… Gerson will come to the molehill!” he exclaimed. Sans’s eyes widened as the old man took off in a sprint down the aisle right for him. His eye flared with shock as he stumbled back in his seat, Nick holding him in place. The only reason he hadn’t used his magic was for all the humans’ sakes. 

Gerson stole a chair and turned it to face him, sitting down as a crew member handed him a microphone. Sans gulped. 

“What’s your name?” He shoved the microphone into Sans’s face and he let out an annoyed grumble. No getting out of this now. 

“Sans.” 

“Let me guess Sans, someone talked you into coming here today didn’t they?” Sans rolled his head to look at Nick and he sighed. Yep it definitely looked like he’d have to do this. Fuuuuuuck! 

“...Yes.” Everyone shouted YES at the top of their lungs and Sans rolled his eyes. 

“And you’re not… sure about this are you?” Sans narrowed his eyes at Gerson as he weighed the options of his answer. It was just a yes or no question. He inwardly groaned. This sucked. 

“No,” he grunted. Again, the audience shouted no man over and over, none more passionately than Nick, who was only digging himself into a deeper hole than he was already in. Sans shook his head with irritated bafflement at his predicament. He really should’ve stayed home. Gerson shrugged. 

“You’re dead Sans,” he said bluntly, with a nonchalant shake of his head, “you say no to life and therefore you are not living.” 

Sans’s skull grin faltered at the words. 

“You make up excuses to the people around you, and to yourself. You’re trapped in the same dead end job you’ve been stuck in for years. You don’t have a significant other. You don’t have anything close to a significant other, and you lost the love of your life because they couldn’t be with someone who couldn’t live theirs…” Sans’s brow furrowed as he read him like a newspaper. ...Hittin’ a lil’ too close to home their bucko. 

“And most nights you’re so bored and filled with ornery that… you can’t even summon up the enthusiasm necessary to masterbate.” Sans choked at the statement. He was right. Jesus I’m depressing. 

“Am I right, Sans?” He shoved the microphone right against his skeletal nose and Sans avoided looking into his dark, glittering… piercing, green eyes. He had just read the contents of his soul… In front of everyone! 

“Um… you uh, I mean I guess you could say I’m sans enthusiasm,” he murmured the shitty pun, trying as hard as possible to not let the microphone pick up the rumble of his voice, or allow the audience to hear his meager confession. Gerson gave a soft smirk. He glanced up as the old turtle pulled himself closer. Way too much closer. Sans scaled his chair to somehow escape him as he came right up to his nose. 

“We’re gonna make a covenant Sans… do you want to make a covenant?” he whispered into the mic. Sans’s breath shook as he glanced down at the floor. 

“Come on Sans!” shouted some random guy in the crowd. Sans grimaced and groaned softly as he tried to battle his thoughts.

“Uh—” Sans flinched as Gerson hit his head with the mic, the auditorium filling with feedback at the move. 

“—The answer is yes, Sans.” The crowd screamed Yes. 

“Yes!” he croaked. Nick screamed yes with fierce passion into Sans’s ear and Sans curled away from him. 

“Yes!” This time with a bit more conviction. Nick was right. He… maybe he did need this. Gerson had been right about everything. He really was a sorry sack of shit. Would it really kill him to spice up his life like this? 

The crowd screamed yes again and Sans let escape a soft whisper, pleading and desperate, partly for this whole ordeal to be over, but… mostly a sincere want to change. 

Gerson’s piercing eyes locked onto his, his face solemn and sober. 

“Once you leave this building… every time an opportunity presents itself…no matter what it is… you will say yes.” Another round of yes’s filled the hall, and this time Sans found himself embracing it. Afterwards he gave Gerson a nervous grimace and nodded. 

“And what if I say, heh… the other word?” he asked, not willing to risk the chance of saying no and being yelled at again. Gerson narrowed his eyes at him. 

“You’ll be breaking a promise to yourself… and when you break a promise to yourself… things can get a little dicey. What do you say, Sans… want to make that covenant?” God yes, if this is what it takes to make Papyrus… or, fuck, if this is what it takes to get out of my funk then… 

“Yes.” YES! 

“Yes!” YES! Gerson grabbed him by the face and dragged him out of his seat with such vigor, Sans gave a growl of surprise. 

“MAKE ME BELIEVE IT!” he snarled as he shook Sans. 

“Yes! Yes! YES!” he cried desperately, Gerson throwing him back down in Nick’s arms. Sans was shaking from the entire experience. What. The. Fuck… just happened to me? 

Gerson turned back towards the stage and made his way through the crowd. He rose his fists into the air with a triumphant gleam in his eyes. 

“YES!” he cheered, the audience practically screaming their inspired praise. Sans breathed shakily as he tried to regain his composure. A laugh escaped him as Nick pushed him back into his own seat. Slowly Sans began to clap. Guess you could say I’m a little shell shocked. 

⁂ 

“Hey! There he is!” Sans glanced up at one of the men from the auditorium as he and Nick walked through the parking lot. The man’s wife smiled brightly at him. 

“That was wonderful, so inspiring,” she said sweetly as they climbed into their car. Sans grinned and saluted them lazily. Nick chuckled as they came to his little blue car. 

“So… you gonna do it?” he asked. Sans hummed in thought and shrugged. 

“I… I don’t know. Maybe,” he said with a coy grin. Nick scrunched his nose at the answer and chuckled. 

“That’s weird, I didn’t realize we stepped out of a maybe seminar,” he teased. Sans snickered and rolled his eyes as he turned away, coming face to face with an old homeless monster, his head cloaked with a black hood, nothing but bright white eyes peering back at him. 

“You… are a reaper, tralala… yes?” asked the homeless monster. Sans swallowed and raised his brows, looking down at his skeletal hands. 

“Uh, tch, yes,” he grunted. The hobo gave a small squeak of delight. 

“Do you think you could use those fancy powers of yours, tralala, and take me to Ebbot City park?” he asked. Sans hummed his displeasure at the request and began to shake his head. He hadn’t gotten a lot of sleep last night, in fact, only around three hours and the closest thing he’d had to a meal all day was a hotdog from a street vendor. He only had enough energy really to get himself home and make a measly ramen noodle dinner for himself. Jesus Christ, I really am pathetic. 

“Uh… liste—”

“—YEEESSSSS!” shouted Nick as he came sprinting to Sans’s side. Sans winced at the reminder of the stupid covenant. 

“Sure he can! Right Sans?” asked Nick with a mischievous gleam in his eyes. Sans laughed wryly at him. Nick, do you want me to kill you? You have to say yes. He thought bitterly. He inwardly groaned and turned back to the homeless man. With a long sigh of resolve he shook his head yes. 

“Uh, yeah. Sure. Why not?” he grumbled. Nick giggled gleefully, and the homeless monster shot him a puzzled look. 

“Yes! You won’t regret this Sans!” Sans shot him a warning glare and chuckled bitterly as the hobo held out his dirty hand for him to take. Sans grimaced as he debated on taking his hand, the two dancing around each other awkwardly before Sans grabbed sternly onto his shoulder. 

“Alright just… Ebbot City park right?” he asked. The man nodded and he sighed as smoke poured out of his sockets. He longed for the days people were scared shitless of reapers. They were all getting so comfy. 

“Have fun!” called Nick as he walked back to his car. Sans shook his head as the red smoke surrounded them. 

“Fuck off.” 

⁂ 

The mist dissipated to reveal the gate leading into the park, big rod iron letters spelling Ebbot City Park. Sans grunted and turned away before the hobo cleared his throat and pointed inside. 

“I need to go a little further in, tralala. It’s in the hiking range near the water, if you don’t mind tralala,” he said. Sans froze and glanced back at the hobo. He stifled his annoyed growl and plastered on the fakest smile he could. 

“Of course… silly me.” Because nothing could be easy. He sighed as he clasped his hand onto the monster’s shoulders and shrouded them in red mist again. The hiking range was way deep in the park. He prayed to whatever dumbass god was listening to allow him to have the energy necessary to get him home. 

When they arrived at the riverside, dark water lapping up at the shore, the hobo searched the water. A tired sigh exploded from Sans’s jaw and he shot the hobo a disgruntled look. 

“Got any more requests or can I just leave ya here cause it doesn’t really matter… tralala…?” he grumbled. The hobo hummed his disapproval and glanced back at him with a sheepish sparkle in his bright, white eyes. 

“I’m sorry man, but… it’s on the other side of the river, tralala” He said. Sans stared at him. Fuck you Nick, fuck you Nick, fuck you Nick. He mustered up enough decency to give the homeless monster a gracious smile and snatched his arm. 

“Fine by me,” he growled as once again, his smoke surrounded them. 

He stumbled and leaned against a tree as he took them to the other side of the river. There was a small encampment with a little canoe pulled up on the river bank. The hobo clapped his hands cheerfully before slowly turning to Sans. 

“Thanks man for doing this, you know a lot of people would’ve just said no, tralala… although I have been getting a lot of luck lately outside of that hotel,” he said. Sans chuckled wrly and shook his head.

 “Hey man it’s… it’s no problem,” he grunted as he wiped his hand on his jeans. 

“Um… you wouldn’t mind if… do you think you could spare a couple bucks, tralala?” he asked. Sans’s eye socket twitched before he chuckled aridly and yanked out his wallet. 

“You know what? I’ve come this far,” he hissed as he leafed through some of his on hand cash. “Yes you can… tralala,” he said with a gracious smile. 

The hobo glanced at his stack of cash and chuckled, shaking his head and pointing to it. 

“You’ve got a whole lot there, tralala, can I have it all?” he joked. Sans’s eyes snuffed out, abyssal black holes filled with rage. These assholes keep testing me. The riverman hobo let out a jolly laugh and Sans laughed mockingly along before holding out the whole stack.

“Sure,” he hissed as he held out the stack of cash. The hobo laughed nervously, his eyes widening at the generous gesture. He hesitantly reached for it and clasped it in his hand. For a second, they both pulled on the money, Sans’s grip a cold dead grip on his hard earned money. However, the hobo eventually won that game of tug-o-war. 

He held up the bundle to him as Sans glared across at him. 

“Angel bless you, tralala,” he breathed with genuine gratitude. Sans waved him off as the hobo got into his canoe and pulled a raggedy blanket over his head. He scoffed and walked along the river path as he tried to summon his magic. A curl of red mist fluttered around him, but he was exhausted and he had reached a depletion in magic. He panted and leaned against a tree trunk. 

“Come on man!” he snarled. He tried again only for his eye to flare like a sputtering candle and he stumbled back. He gritted his teeth and growled low under his breath. 

“Great” he spat. He dug through his pockets for his phone. He’d have to call an Uber or something once he made it out of the park. A reaper in an Uber. What was the world coming to? 

As he glanced down his eyes widened when he realized his battery was at one percent. He had forgotten to charge it before he left, banking on just charging it at the seminar.  

“Oh no, no, no!” he gasped, just as it decided to shut down. His fists clenched and he rummaged through his jacket pockets. Yes, he had his charger, thank God. Ok then… new plan… walk to a gas station, charge my phone, get somethin’ to eat and call an Uber. He would’ve called Papyrus, but where they stood right now… he knew his brother would rather not deal with him. He was on his own. 

“Heh… perfect.” 

⁂

“Hey Sans, do you wanna give away all your cash to a homeless guy? Why yes. Yes I do,” he growled to himself as he marched over the empty bridge across the river. He couldn’t fucking believe he was in this situation. 

“How about expending all the rest of your energy teleporting him around a six hundred acre park? You know what? That sounds like a fucking great idea!” he shouted into the indifferent night. 

Assholes. All of them. Weird culty assholes. How could anything good ever come out of this? He’d probably get jumped, and with no magic to defend himself… Ugh! He read the directions to get out of the hiking trail and sighed as he found himself running along a thin dirt path. Fuck this Park. Fuck that homeless guy. Fuck Nick. Fuck the covenant! 

“Let’s just take a late night stroll through the hills and get killed by a murder cult! Don’t mind if I do!” 

It took hours. Literal hours. He was winded… and sweaty and exhausted! His legs felt like jelly by the time he was practically crawling up to the closest gas station. He threw the door open, eyes black as a starless night as he locked the cashier in his gaze. He held up his phone as he caught his breath and bared his fangs. 

“Charging port. Where is it?” he snarled. The tired teenager squeaked with fear, that’s more like it, and pointed outside. He groaned and stomped back out to find the port. As he bent down to plug his charger in, the rev of an engine filled the air. 

A vespa pulled into the gas station and parked at the front near the building. He glanced up as the rider slid off of their ride and spared him a curious look while they took off their helmet. It was a rather stupid sight. A large skeleton monster hunched over a little outlet with his stupid little cell phone. Might as well join the circus while he was at it.  

To make matters worse, they were a human woman. A rather cute one at that and he looked like a fucking idiot. 

They smiled awkwardly at each other and she stepped inside. He gave a small sigh and turned back to his phone to check if it was charging. Now with one percent battery life and still charging, he gave a small breath of relief and tried to force it to turn on. He shook his head as frustration flooded him. He couldn’t believe this. 

“Do you wanna call an uber for the first time in your stupid ass life and sit in some smelly guy’s car as he forces you to talk to him about your fucking day while Nickleback plays just a little too loud? Oh could I? Could I really?—” He froze when the flash of a camera lit his vision and he jerked up. 

The woman looked down at her cute polaroid camera as it printed the picture she had just taken. People still used those? She giggled quietly to herself and glanced back up at him with a coy smirk. 

“That’s a good look,” she said as she waved the picture in the air. He narrowed his eyes as he studied her. She was small… short brown hair that framed her round, bronzen face and… her eyes were big and brown. Ugh, just my luck that I would look like a complete dumbass in front of such a pretty girl! 

“Did you just… take my picture?” he asked, pointing to the photo in her hand. Her smirk widened and she bit her lip as she unscrewed a water bottle. He watched as she took a sip before turning her attention back to him with a sigh. 

“Maybe… Did you run out of battery?” she asked. He chuckled wrly and glanced down at his phone. He glanced back up at her through narrowed eyes, running his tongue along the top of his fangs. 

“Maybe…” he murmured. She grinned and shook her head. 

“That sucks. That happened to me last week,” she said as she grinned down at the picture before pocketing it. He rolled his eyes to the heavens. 

“Was it because you forgot to charge it and then had to keep teleporting a homeless guy all around a park because no matter where you took him it just didn’t feel enough like home… which depleted all your magic and left you stranded with an empty battery so you couldn’t call a driver?” he asked. She snorted with laughter and leaned against the wall, head tilted with tender curiosity. 

“Um… no… but I take it that… that’s what happened to you?” she asked with a giggle. His grin widened and he shrugged innocently. 

“Nope. What would make you assume that?” They laughed quietly as he looked down at his phone. Four percent. He glanced back up at her as she continued to drink her water. Why was someone like her talking to someone like him? Not that he was complaining… after all she was super cute. 

“He kept making you teleport him around a park?” she asked. Sans grunted and nodded at the ridiculous truth. 

“Yeah, uh, apparently he was the most demanding homeless man on the planet. Wasn’t letting anyone walk all over him. He was keeping his sense of dignity… It was good to see,” he said with a teasing grin. She laughed with him, her nose wrinkling sweetly as she tried to understand his current predicament. He chuckled along and held open his arms with a welcoming grin. “I’m just glad to be a part of it really…” 

Her smile grew on her face. “Yeah that must feel good,” she said with a firm nod. 

They shared a lingering gaze before he cleared his throat and turned back to his phone. “Truly, yeah… oh and I’m getting some exercise… which is cool,” he mumbled as he glared at the Uber app in the app store. Was he really gonna have to download this and make an account and everything? Tonight was gonna be a long night… 

“Well… do you need a ride?” she asked, gesturing to her scooter. Is she for real? He looked over her shoulder at the little vespa and swallowed his nerves. Would he even fit on that?

“Uh… on that thing?” He asked nervously. She quirked a perfect brow at him as she sauntered back to her scooter and handed him her helmet. No fucking way. Well… Yes is the only option you have… 

⁂

They sped through the street, weaving in and out of traffic, Sans’s arms awkwardly wrapped around her slender waist. The rev of the vespa engine and the slap of wind in his face was exhilarating. This was probably the first time in a long time he had felt like he was alive… and maybe that was because at any moment they could go flying to their certain death. 

“Am I going too fast for you, faucheuse drôle?” she shouted over the wind. He laughed nervously and leaned his chin over her shoulder. 

“Nah, in fact I think you should go faster… that way if we crash at least I’ll die.” She barked with laughter at his quips and he chuckled along. “I just don’t want to be kept alive artificially, ya know?” They laughed together as they drove. 

She turned into a street with a little less traffic and slowly raised her polaroid into the air. His grin faltered as she straightened and smiled into the camera lens. 

“Wait, what are you doing?” She laughed cheerfully and leaned against him. 

“I’m taking our picture! Sourire!” she said as the camera flashed. He groaned as the flash cut through his vision. 

“Oh God, are you trynna blind me? Can’t see shit,” he said, but he couldn’t help but chuckle. She gave an easy laugh and shook her hair in the wind. 

“Me neither! Isn’t it great!?” she exclaimed as she swerved through traffic and down another road as he shouted in terror. Is she crazy!? Yeah, he was definitely not a vehicle kind of guy. 

When he realized that, yes, they were still alive, he allowed himself to grin and hug her a little tighter. This was… kind of fun. She was really fun! He was having such a great time! To think all it took was an awful trip through the park. 

They laughed together as she drove the rest of the way to his apartment complex. 

They stopped a little ways down the street and the woman dismounted, kicking her stand out to lean the scooter on. He stalled as he glanced up at the building, then back at her. She glanced at him as she ran a hand through her short, windswept hair. They stood in silence, studying each other with gentle curiosity. 

He cleared his throat and scratched the back of his skull. “So uh… thanks for uh, doin’ that. Ya didn’t have to really,” he said as he tried to avoid her gaze. She smiled sweetly at him and began to walk, Sans stupidly following behind her to his own apartment complex. 

“No problem, maybe the color will return to your face sometime… or not, considering you’re a skeleton.” He laughed at her joke and nodded along. 

“Well I hope you feel powerful because you’re the only person who’s made me scream like a little baby,” he said with a bashful grin. She scoffed with teasing laughter and winked at him. She was so pretty… How had he gotten this lucky? 

“Je le porterai comme un badge d'honneur… Can I have my helmet back now?” she asked as she pointed at his skull. He glanced up and chuckled with quiet embarrassment. He pointed at it and grinned. 

“I’m still wearing it, aren’t I,” he murmured. She gave a sleepy laugh and nodded. He sighed in mock sorrow as he took it off and handed it back to her. As she reached for it, he lifted his hand out of her reach and she whined playfully. He laughed and tossed it to her, her fumbling it a bit before pulling it to her chest. They giggled together. 

As they came to the gate to the complex she faltered and shoved her hands in her coat pockets. She swayed on her heels and smiled. 

“So… are you gonna be ok?” she asked. He grinned and leaned against the gate as he eyed her. Well now that I’ve met you…may the angel bless me indeed. 

“Yeah! Yeah I’m great… unless you wanna stick around and makeout,” he murmured under his breath. Her big, brown eyes perked up at the words and he inwardly kicked himself. No I did not just say that out loud. I don’t even know her name! 

“What?” she asked, eyes wide. Oh shit, I totally fucked that. Stupid, idiot, asshole! 

“Wha- What did you say?” he stammered. She narrowed her eyes and advanced on him with aggressive finality. He held up his hands as he feared maybe pepper spray, or a taser if she was one of those girls. 

“Hey listen, I wasn’t bein—” She grabbed his jacket and pulled him down, pressing her lips to his fangs in a forceful kiss. He froze up. That had been the last thing he had been expecting. She pulled away… too soon… and stared up at him. A shocked silence fell over both of them. 

“... Have a good night,” she said as she gave him a firm pat on the chest. His eyes followed her as she sauntered back to her vespa. She swung her leg over and revved the little engine before taking off down the street. He watched her go and looked down at his chest, where his hands were clutching a… a photograph. His grin softened. The two of them on her scooter. He actually looked happy… 

He glanced back down the street where she had driven off and smiled to himself, tucking the photo into his jacket pocket. 

“Yes…” he murmured thoughtfully, a skip in his step as he made his way back to his room. Yes always leads to something good… Thank you Nick.   

[my-nameless-bliss]

Hi! Sorry I am bothering you now, but I have a problem. I always thought that I have really good relationship with my dad, but now something changed. I don't know why, but everything was easier when I was younger. Up to this day he respected the fact that I don't go to church (I'm an atheist). I have really complicated relationship with christianty and I feel so much better about myself without religion in my life. Now he told me that I should pray again and looked really dissapointed/mad. [1/3]

My dad is very religious and I respect that. He can believe whatever he wants. I don’t why he was so offended, this whole situation was really random. Also, sometimes he makes nasty comments about people and their weight and it makes me feel really uncomfortable, because he might be thinking about me. There are other situations I could mention. He’s a good person, amazing dad and I really care about him, but I can see that something changed. [2/3]

I feel really guilty, because I think that somehow it’s my fault. I don’t know what should I think about it. Is that how all (or at least some) fathers change once we became adults? Sometimes I see people complain about similar stuff here on Tumblr. Of course you don’t have to post it on your blog if you don’t want to. I just really needed someone to listen to me, so thank you for that. [3/3]

Hey, anon. Just so you know, you are always welcome to come to my inbox with any sort of problems. It’ll never bother me at all, I promise. Even if I can’t do anything to help, I’m always willing to listen.

In this case, I’m not sure I really have the right type of experience to give super helpful advice, just because my dad and I have had a very different relationship than this (that is, we didn’t have any relationship until I was a teenager, and we didn’t start really getting along until I was older). 

But no matter what is going on with your dad, I can guarantee that it is definitely not your fault. From what you’ve said here, it sounds like he’s suddenly having problems with things that have existed for a while (like your atheism), so it’s entirely his reaction that’s changed, not you. I’d like to be super optimistic, and say that hopefully he’s just going through a strange time in his own life, and that it won’t last. Particularly with his religion, I think it’s possible that if he’s having some difficulties with his own faith, he might be trying to pressure you into religion to make himself feel more confident. Of course, that’s just a guess, but if nothing major has changed with you recently, it certainly doesn’t make sense for him to suddenly start treating you any differently unless he’s dealing with some problems of his own.

I don’t know your dad, and I don’t know the full extent of what’s going on, but I promise this is not your fault, and you have nothing to feel guilty about. I know how easy it is to blame ourselves for our parents’ problems, but our parents are their own people, and they are responsible for their own behaviors. Even if your dad is having a problem with something about you, the right thing would be for him to actually address it with you, instead of passive-aggressively altering his behavior like this. No matter what is going on, you don’t deserve to be treated rudely because of something he’s trying to deal with. 

I honestly hope this is just a weird time, and he works out whatever’s going on, and things go back to normal. But even if they don’t, or he gets worse, I promise that you’re not to blame for it. You deserve a great relationship with your dad, and that means that you deserve to be treated with respect. 💜💜💜

[demonofthelight]

Life stories: Simon Clarke

Joanne (presenter): What keeps you awake at night, like what do you regret the most?

Simon: I don't know if I regret anything because everything teaches you something. Everything we go through is a lesson in life.

Joanne: That's the diplomatic response. What's the real response? If you could change something what would be?

Simon: There's this girl, anyone that listens to this podcast regularly probably knows all about her. Well, I can't regret us ending, because she's getting married in, what's the date? She's getting married in less than a month and she's meant to be happy so I don't regret us ending. I regret being so unimportant in her eyes that we don't still speak. I regret that, more than anything. I don't know if she was the 'one' but she was a friend. A friend I will forever adore.

Joanne: Does that keep you awake at night.

Simon: I wouldn't go that far but there are days I wonder about her.

Joanne: If she was watching this show, what would you say to her?

Simon: I'm sorry I never made her happy and I'm sorry she felt pressured by me. There's this story where a mutual friend once told me, this girl who I don't want to name Joanne, I really don't. You've shown pictures there but she doesn't look the same anymore not even the same coloured hair. Anyway this mutual friend told me she 'hates me for bringing her up'. Honestly, I'm sick of talking about it but I was always taught there's no taboo subject.

Joanne: Do you wish you two stayed in touch?

Simon: Mixed. (looking uncomfortable and shifting) I wish we never drifted so apart into two different circles but the circle she mixes in aren't compatible with the circle I drift in. I don't want to sound like an arrogant asshole. I mean it's nothing to do with superiority or a god complex. The circles I drift in are quite intellectual. Political debates, university alumina, professional jobs, e-sports. The circles she drifts in are more materialistic or hobby orientated. Motorbikes, sports etc. I mean some of those people think I'm literally the worst thing to happen to her, while some of the people in my circle find those who can't debate infuriating. The reality is the person she is now and the person I am now are completely different.

Joanne: Moving on to the death of your mom. Can you remember the day you found out?

Simon: Like it was yesterday. I got woke up in the morning while the paramedics were in my kitchen. I got told that my mom had died in her sleep and as you can imagine my father was in bits. I didn't know how to process it initially so I stayed in my room for about an hour. As time passed, I just wanted to be hugged and told I wasn't as alone as I felt.

Joanne: I'm sure your sisters and brother were by your side.

Simon: Of course, but they were trying to come to grips with it too. To be entirely honest, I reached out to a friend the following day or within the next few days. It became a blur that week but I remember distinctly that the one female who I loved and depended on to that level other than my mother was my ex. I spent the time up until the funeral genuinely believing she would pop over and check up on me even after we broke up on bad terms.

Joanne: How did your friend react , how did they support you?

Simon: As we've touched on, I was a loner in school. Until near the end of high school, I was a bullied shy kid. I didn't have any true friends. But this moment, this terrible event, Matthew made me realise I would never have to go through a travesty alone. He took time out to go for a drink with me during that week and he took the day off work to go to my mom's funeral. He's a complete atheist. He think's my philosophy on the afterlife is closer to Stephen King than history textbooks but he literally walked probably a few miles to and from the funeral just to show his support. I've never told him how much that meant to me. But I'd like to think he just knows.

Joanne: I'm sure he wasn't the only friend over that time?

Simon: No, I have another fantastic friend called Andrew. I had a very bitter falling out over him trying to get me support and honestly anyone else would have knocked me out for the abuse I gave him over it. He just laughed it off. One of two friends that I can depend on, hopefully and as far as I'm concerned the rest of my life.

Joanne: You mentioned the girl again (picture of 2011 as a couple goes on screen), her family is your neighbour right so they knew about what happened with your mom but didn't she text you or call in?

Simon: Her parents lived opposite the street, but she never asked or showed concern on my wellbeing. I have no entitlement of that care. It's her right to feel or act in any legal way she wishes. I'll respect her freedom to do that for as long as I can.

Joanne: How does that make you feel?

Simon: It made me realise our perspectives on the 18 months we were in a relationship were different. For me, it was a fantastic period and I imagine for her it's best to forget it.

Joanne: Does that bother you?

Simon: Should it? People change, circumstances change. Can we move on?

Joanne: OK. We'll go to a break... Welcome back. I'd like to talk about university and is it true that you were warned before you enrolled?

Simon: As a 18 year old child. I made a stupid comment about a friend publicly on Facebook. My friend found it hilarious and it's the sort of dark humour we say to each other over voice chat and in person but someone twisted what I said to imply someone who died in my local area. Well implied the post was about them. I never met and couldn't care less about them. I apologised and thought that was the end of it but a formal police report was filed and the individuals informed my university who at this point had just provided me with an offer to enrol that I accepted. I mean top business college diploma in the county, they ripped the hands off for me. So that was interesting. The university was great about it. The police were as incompetent as you can imagine but it did teach me that don't say anything on social media that can't be literally taken. Like this will go up on YouTube and Tumblr. So anything I say can be proved.

Joanne: How did you emotionally react to this event, where what you said was taken out of context?

Simon: Betrayed by others but I was stupid and naiive. You can't be those things especially as a successful businessman. At this time a lot of falsehoods and rumours came around ranging from me being a drug addict to committing sexual assault. It was obvious at this point those who had ever had a conversation with me knew that I had traditional moral values so the accusations were as ridiculous as they sound. Childish rumours spread to squash what I had to say. My friends just ignored them, and the people the bullshit influenced were better off not in my life anyway.

Joanne: I've only met you twice and you're quite outspoken about some controversial subjects but its obvious to me morally your the other way. Severely punish criminals, probably too far in my opinion.

Simon: I agree, my opinions can be quite controversial but I'm as against illegal drugs as I love a cup of tea. Even my critics would tell you that.

Joanne: You've gone from a social media account with 50000 followers overall to less than a tenth of the size. Why do you think this is and does it bother you?

Simon: I used to be a depressing blogger with poems, and writing that was soul crushing but honest about my thoughts or feelings about myself. I then started to feel less lost so naturally started writing about facts not emotions. Politics was always a topic I found fascinating. I've always been debating since I can remember. I get off on a debate, which is why it's hilarious to mock those that call you names because they can't debate the facts of the topic. I started looking at things like the wage gap and white privilege economically and they don't hold up to the scrutiny expected in academic work. They just don't. Those that believe either of those things are either stupid or lied too.

Joanne: I don't want to go down the rabbit hole of politics because it's become who you are but if I can, I want to touch on 'getting off' of those that call you names in other words 'Trolls' can you elaborate on that?

Simon: I'll give you an example. I'm quite camp just look at what I'm wearing so I got an anon message on Tumblr once that read 'you are a gay homophobic sexist Nazi that should just kill yourself'. How hilarious is the stupidity of that statement. If I was gay, I couldn't be homophobic and gay people aren't allowed to be a Nazi. It shows the idiocy of these people that are probably children.

Joanne: Does these kind of hate messages matter to you?

Simon: Of course it matters, everybody wants to be liked. Those that claim otherwise are lying. But the opinions of people I've never met who are so ashamed of themselves they hide through anonymous, do not matter to me. The opinions of friends and parents of friends matter to me.

Joanne: You once said you were 'bad with women'.

Simon: Oh God, yea. I really wish I hadn't had said that. It was on an emotional post at 3am. It was a spur of the moment thought. I don't think I'm naturally bad with women but I am a marmite figure. I'm not universally liked. Most people I meet are probably intimidated by me. I think the women that I find attractive clearly don't normally find me attractive.

Joanne: Why is that? What type of women do you find attractive?

Simon: I'm probably a 6 out of ten, if I could lose the acne probably a good 7. I tend to fall for either the tall slim blonde or the short petite unique person. I'm quite simple like that. Then if they are able to debate or disagree with me brilliantly, I just adore them.

Joanne: (laughs) So you see yourself as just above average?

Simon: In looks, I do. In style, I'm quite unique and some people hate that I stand out. In personality, I am extremely demanding but I also expect that from myself.

Joanne: Do you ever think about children?

Simon: I did. I thought about marriage and kids but I've only ever found three people in 21 years that I could see having a life with. I do think about children's names though, I have top three for both genders. For a boy: Constantine, Excalibur or Arthur. For a girl: Katherine, Kate or Kathleen.

Joanne: Do you think it's fair when some people refer to you as egotistical, arrogant or psychotic?

Simon: It's no business of mine what other's perceive me to be. I can only concentrate on who I am and I'm none of those things.

Joanne: Do you like being the centre of attention with someone claiming you 'have to be seen to be the most overdressed person because you need the attention?

Simon: I don't mind it, but I don't actively pursue it. I don't really mind whether someone outshines me. I love a challenge and I think demanding the best from myself constantly while can be quite exhausting to see, is who I am whether that's monopoly, gaming or dressing.