#I repeat new beyonce from 3 years ago][

[airis-paris14]

Human Nature Part 5

Summary: T’Challa has a secret but he’s tired of loving her in secret.

Warnings: None

A/N:  Only one more part to go. Let me know if you would like to be added to the tag list. I’m also working on a complete master list of all of my works so be on the lookout for that soon. Hope you enjoy this chapter!

1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6

Looking out, across the morning

The city's heart begins to beat

Reaching out, I touch her shoulder

I'm dreaming of the street

-Michael Jackson “Human Nature”

T’Challa Udaku was madly and blissfully in love. He’d never felt anything like this and he knew that if Naomi were to leave him, he would never find anything like it again. Which is why he was staring at his reflection in a mirror, his fingers running over the fabric of his button-up. M’baku and the other groomsmen had left to check on the venue a few minutes ago. He knew they had gone because he probably looked like a nervous wreck pacing the floor of the hotel penthouse, but he didn’t care. He was grateful for the peace. He shouldn’t have been nervous. He and Naomi were already married. They had done the hard part. They’d already said their ‘I dos”. The church was just for show, but it seemed like his stomach had missed that piece of information. A block away from this room he knew that Naomi was in her room, probably pulling on her wedding dress as he spoke.

Of course, he hadn’t seen it yet. She had made sure to hide any and all information about her attire from her husband. She and Shuri went as far as to encrypt her purchase information in the palace’s internet server so that he couldn’t find out where she bought the dress from or who made it. T’Challa laughed at the memory. He’d spent hours trying to guess her password. He and Shuri knew that he could have hacked the information if he really tried, but he knew that the dress was something Naomi wanted to surprise him with so he left the information password protected. The king stared at the midday sun over the Mississippi River. He glanced at his watch and noticed that it was almost time to leave. He took another glance at himself in the mirror and smiled. Today was the day that Naomi would no longer be a secret, she would be made his wife in the eyes of the world.

“T’Challa, it is time my friend,” M’baku’s voice boomed through the door. With a final look in the mirror, he grabbed his suit jacket and headed out of the room.

A block away at the Roosevelt hotel, Naomi Udaku was losing her breakfast and it was not because she was nervous. Not that nerves weren’t contributing to this bout of sickness, they definitely were. Hunched over the toilet, she knew that one of the best decisions she had ever made was having her hair pulled back into a sleek bun for her wedding. She reminded herself to thank Beyonce for the suggestion. “That’s it, let it all out” Gabrielle rubbed her friends back as Naomi sat back away from the toilet. Tasha stood at the door with some ginger ale and nausea medicine. “I can’t believe I’m pregnant on my wedding day,” the blushing bride grumbled as her oldest friend handed her the medicine and soda.

“Well, technically you weren’t pregnant on your wedding day,” Tasha shrugged from the doorway. ”Shut up” Gabrielle and Naomi answered simultaneously. “Don’t shoot the messenger,” Tasha grinned while Naomi finally pulled herself off of the bathroom floor. “Hardy har har,” Naomi deadpanned, “Seriously though, I can’t even drink at my own toast.”

“First off, stop whining,” Gabrielle smiled, pulling her friend in for a hug, “We are in one of the most expensive hotels in New Orleans, about to live out your dream wedding. Thousands of people are lining the streets to catch a glimpse of you in your dress. You should be on top of the world right now baby girl.”

“Exactly you’re marrying the love of your life and he’s a king.” Tasha grinned at her friend. “You have pulled together one of the best weddings anyone could ask for! You look drop-dead gorgeous and you aren’t even in your wedding dress yet.”

“ So finish that bottle of ginger ale so we can get you dressed and ready to go.” Gabrielle reassured her friend. “And know that we bought you some of that sparkling cider you like. Red grape, white grape, and white grape with peach. That way it looks like you are enjoying all of the delicacies of a non-pregnant bride.” Tasha added, “We got you.”

Naomi smiled, her hormones swirling up and out as tears. “I love you guys,” she cried. “This is why we saved the mascara for last,” Tasha mumbled. Gabrielle elbowed her before hugging Naomi, “You know we love you too. Now let’s get you in this dress before we’re late.”

Naomi laughed and quickly finished the drink. She brushed her teeth and her friends double checked to make sure everything was put away. She and T’Challa would stay together in the Ritz-Carlton while the bridesmaids enjoyed another night in this penthouse at the Roosevelt.

While the bride waited for the medicine to kick in she smiled hearing the squeals and pitter-patter of little feet running around outside of the bedroom in the living room. She assumed that her niece and friend’s daughter were wreaking havoc on the rest of the bridal party awaiting her entry. A few minutes ago everyone had finished getting ready and was lounging around until it was time for Naomi to get dressed, until Naomi had run out of the room sick for the second time that morning. She knew that everyone in the room would eventually wonder why she was so sick today, but Naomi chose to focus on the little girls. The two flower girls Carter-Giselle and Rumi had bonded instantly when they meet yesterday morning at the airport. When Naomi had originally called and asked Beyonce’ and Rumi to be in the wedding, the singer had joked that Rumi and Carter would be the best of friends before the whole weekend was over, it seemed that she hadn’t lied. The two had become thick as thieves and she knew they would have a hard time being separated tomorrow afternoon. Watching the two had made her start to imagine what she and T’Challa’s child would look like. What would they like? Would they be as friendly and rambunctious at the two little girls rampaging through the living room?

The sound of Beyonce’ and her sister in law, Porche, calling both of their daughter’s names at the same time snapped Naomi out of her daydream. She drank down the rest of the ginger ale and went to grab her gown out of its bag. “You can’t get dressed without your bridesmaids,” Tasha teased as she and Gabrielle walked out of the bathroom with their makeup touched up. “I’ll get Bey and Porche.” Gabrielle peeked her head outside of the door and waved the other two women into the bedroom. “It feels so surreal,” Naomi smiled, her fingers running over the beading. “It’s definitely real,” Tasha squeezed her friend in a hug.”

“Not too tight, we don’t need a repeat of earlier,” Gabrielle teased as she walked in with Porche and Beyonce.”

“Definitely not, we’ve got a schedule to keep, chop chop!” Porche clapped at the bride. The small friend group chuckled. “So can you step into the dress or do we gotta go over your head?” Beyonce asked as she lifted the gown off of the bed. “We gotta go over my head, it laces up in the back. Naomi slipped off her robe while her friends lifted the gown up and over. “Dang girl, you couldn’t get a normal dress with a zipper?” Tasha grunted as the group maneuvered the dress over Naomi’s shoulders. “Corset backs are better for curvier bodies, they give more support,” was Naomi’s muffled reply as the tulle and flounce at the bottom of the dress enveloped her. “And they make your body look good from any angle,” Porche added in. Bey cosigned an “Amen” as the dress finally slipped into place over the bride’s head. The room went silent as Proche deftly laced the back of the gown and tightened it. Her best friends cheesed at Naomi as a tear slipped down her face when she turned to look at herself in the mirror. The bridesmaids wiped a few tears of their own before fawning over the gown. “Fawn Giselle Elizabeth Udaku you look stunning,” Gabrielle smiled pulling her friend in for a hug. “I remember the first day on campus, when I was moving in and we met at the sign-in table and found out we were roommates. Now look at where we are, my name’s gonna go down in history as one of the luckiest bridesmaids on the planet.”Gabrielle teared up as Naomi laughed a little and dabbed her tears away.

“Okay, no crying on the dress y’all” Tasha fanned her eyes to keep her tears at bay. Beyonce laughed and pulled Naomi in for a quick hug as well. Porche and Tasha followed suit. A knock on the door interrupted the hug-fest. “Everything alright? Y’all left these two old ladies and poor Shuri out here with these children, and we wanna see the bride.” Naomi’s mama called through the door. The woman erupted into laughter, “Coming mama,” Naomi yelled back dabbing at her eyes again. Gabrielle helped Tasha to clip the veil into place and after a few more tears, hugs, and dabbing of makeup the group entered back into the living room of the penthouse.

Ramonda and Naomi’s mother smiled at each other locking hands as they stared at the young queen in all her glory. Shuri’s grin stretched for a smile across her face, “He’s not gonna be able to keep his hands off of you in that dress.” The fitted silk gown hugged Naomi’s curves perfectly. The silk was covered in beading that created roses and swirls all down the gown until it flowed out in a soft wave along the bottom of the dress. A train spilled out for ten feet behind the bride as she walked into the living room. Carter-Giselle, Naomi’s four year old niece, and Rumi Carter gazed at her in awe. “You look really pretty auntie,” Carter-Giselle giggled running to hug her. Rumi followed suit hugging Naomi’s other leg. Watching the bride receive hugs from the flower girls had the entirety of the wedding party on the verge of tears. The bridal party packed everything up and headed down into the lobby of the hotel. Beyonce and Gabrielle helped to carry Naomi’s train and veil while the other three women watched and helped the flower girls down the hall.

Naomi could hear the roar of the crowd outside of the hotel before she even stepped out of the elevator. “Holy-” Tasha started as the mass of cheering people became visible outside of the Roosevelt’s glass doors. Naomi waved at the crowds as her friends, the videographer, and the photographer fussed with her wedding gown. After taking a few photos together in the lobby, the all-white vintage Rolls Royce limos arrived outside of the hotel. Tasha and Gabrielle made sure to gather Naomi’s train, with Shuri and Porche helped hold her train up as the party headed out of the doors. Smiles erupted on the entire party’s faces as they climbed into the large limo. No one was immune to the infectious energy that surrounded them in the crowds. After watching her mother and mother in law climb into the Rolls Royce in front of them with the flower girls Naomi’s nerves hit full force. Her smile grew by the second as the cars pulled away from the curb and headed up to the church. Progress was slow because the streets were choked with people hoping to catch a glance of the new royal. Naomi waved back through the untinted windows. This was more than she could have dreamed. Seven months ago she had married T’Challa at a last-minute courthouse wedding. Only the women present in the car with her even knew it had happened. She knew that one day she wanted a ceremony, but she could never have guessed that the ceremony would look like this.

“I can’t figure out who they’re cheering more for, Bey or you Naomi,” Tasha teased as everyone chuckled. “I’m pretty sure this crowd is for Naomi. No one knew I was gonna be here,” Beyonce laughed. “But how is the bride feeling?” the singer smiled as she reached for Naomi’s hand. “A little nauseous, overwhelmed, but excited too,” Naomi laughed back. “Just breathe, that’s what you told me remember?” The singer smiled. Naomi nodded thinking back to that day, “Just don’t breathe too hard or you’ll pass out,“ Naomi smiled back. The limo slowed to a stop and everyone sucked in their breath. “Welp, back out into the fray,” Tasha pretended to pull up her gown as the driver got out and headed around to open the doors of the limo.

The crowd’s roar crescendoed as each bridesmaid stepped out of the car. Porche first, followed by Shuri, Beyonce, Tasha, then Gabrielle. The women all waved to the crowds lining the street and the square. Naomi took a deep breath, then allowed Gabrielle to help her out of the car. The cheers grew to deafening. Naomi smiled and waved as her close friends helped to lay out her train and long veil. Once everything was in order, security opened the doors of the cathedral Naomi’s father walked out to stand next to his daughter. The bridesmaids were going to walk down the aisle unescorted, with Porche walking Carter Giselle, and Beyonce walking her daughter Rumi. With everyone stationed and in order, the organ began to play and the procession began. With each bridesmaid disappearing into the cathedral Naomi’s stomach began to twist. While awaiting their turn to tackle the aisle Naomi’s father squeezed her hand. “You look, beautiful baby girl, you’re gonna knock his socks off.” Naomi’s father kissed her cheek. “Thank you daddy,” Naomi kissed his cheek back and the doors opened for them to walk in.

Two hours later, with many giggles, tears, kisses, and laughter, Naomi Udaku walked out of St. Louis Cathedral a twice-married woman. Before exiting the cathedral Naomi and T’Challa stopped in the foyer grabbed their custom second line umbrellas from a footman at the door. The roar of the crowd sent energy through them. Naomi fingered the feather and beads lining her umbrella. As T’Challa smiled at her. “Did I tell you that you look breathtaking in that dress, T’Challa murmured kissing her forehead then her lips. “Only a million times your highness,” Naomi giggled. “And I’ll tell you a million more times,” he promised. “I have a surprise for you,” Naomi smiled up at him, his hand finding a way into her own. “Can I guess what it is?” The king asked. “No, you wouldn’t be able to anyway.”

“Can I know now?” The king whispered leaning in to kiss his wife. “No,” Naomi murmured back into the kiss. “How about now? T’Challa leaned in this kiss lingering for a little while longer. The looby of the cathedral filled with “Ooohs” and whistles as the bridal party and groomsmen filled in around them. Each of them now holding customized handkerchiefs embroidered with T’Challa and Naomi’s names and wedding date. “Aye, y’all save all that nasty stuff for later, we got kids in here now,” Kimbe, one of T’Challa’s friends from college teased, gesturing towards his son, the ring bearer, and the flower girls. Everyone broke out laughing as Naomi hid in T’Challa’s chest. T’Challa pulled his bride in for another kiss as some guests began to file into the lobby as well.

The sound of the brass band began to float into the cathedral and everyone started to get excited. T’Challa nodded and a footman opened up the doors to the street and the bride and groom stepped out to the roaring crowd once again. After sharing another quick kiss for more pictures, they raised their umbrellas and the party began. The crowd pushed up against the barriers as the bridal party danced past. Everywhere around them, people started dancing and waving handkerchiefs to join in the couple’s celebration. Naomi looked behind to find her bridesmaids and groomsmen laughing, singing, dancing, chanting, and smiling contagiously. Jay, Sir, and Blue Ivy had joined Beyonce and the Rumi. She carried Rumi on her hip as Bey and the toddler waved their handkerchiefs. Her niece was dancing with her father on his hip. Shuri looked up and waved as she danced along with Tasha, Porche, and Gabrielle. Queen Ramonda was dancing with Naomi’s parents, and the people of New Orleans joined in from behind the security and barriers. Naomi let out a loud laugh as she gripped t”Chala’s free hand in her own. “I love you, he smiled.

“I love and adore you,” Naomi grinned. The paused to share another kiss Confetti and rice began raining down from behind them. The couple stopped kissing and watched as their bridal party laughed and showered the newlyweds. “I couldn’t have imagined a better wedding,” T’Challa grinned. “Me neither. It’s beyond perfect, but wait until the after-party. If you liked this dress, you’ll love that one.” Naomi grinned as they continued to dance towards the Ritz-Carlton. “Can I have my surprise then?” T’Challa smiled. Naomi paused and smiled up at him, she glanced at the hotel about a block in front of them. She knew that once they entered the doors, they’d be pulled away for wedding pictures along the river bank and the city. They’d be in a limo with the rest of the wedding party, and then they’d be separated again to change for the reception. Now was the last time they’d be alone until later tonight. She smiled to herself and pulled the king in for a kiss. Cheers erupted from the crowd and the wedding party. She pulled back and whispered against his lips, “I’m pregnant.”

T’Challa’s mouth dropped open and Naomi let her head fall back in a loud laugh, her arms now wrapped around his neck. Before she knew it she was up in the air being spun around. No this wasn’t the wedding she had imagined. Her and T’Challa’s love playing out on a world stage was not something she could have guessed. But with her husband spinning her around, the crowd around them screaming and dancing, and her friends and family dancing through the streets with them, she could not have imagined anything better than this.

Taglist:  @almostpurelysmut @blackbypurpose @nyneebee @hutchj @tchoking @sisterwifeudaku @wikiwakanda @royallyprincesslilly @90sinspiredgirl @strictlyashley @afraiddreamingandloving @thedelightfulone @autumn242 @purple-apricots @kumkaniudaku @queertrex @kaciidubs @halfrican-heat @skysynclair19 @dramaqueenamby @gorjiss @leahnicole1219 @kreolemami @mzbritt @yoyolovesbucky @derangedcupcake @builtalongthewayside @ilcb7 @chaneajoyyy @lalapalooza718 @ororowrites @leahnicole1219 @dopegalkk @sarcastic-sunshines @sarahboseman @shesakillerkween @waitingonafriend @faatassbitch

[reactingwithexo]

Can You Keep A Secret (13) - Sehun

Part 1 / Part 2 / Part 3 /Part 4/ Part 5 / Part 6 / Part 7 / Part 8 / Part 9 / Part 10  / Part 11 / Part 12

genre: angst & fluff 

warnings: crime stuff, a whole lot of fluff on this part, mentions of smut and making out 

word-count: 1.8K

A/N: I understand if you want to murder me. But since I got a new wave of followers lately (thank you btw and welcome) and it’s also a gift for doctor @damned-fangirl​ for her graduation, hope you like it!

You couldn’t believe at yourself. It’s been a whole week and you still held that stupid smile on your face since that night with Sehun. Having to put with even your mom teasing you was not for you.

Yes, part of you still had worries about what you were gonna do to stop the whole scheme that tied your history to sehun’s but he was just being so sweet you kinda held the anxiety back and focused on the now. And that meant focusing on opening up the door to meet Sehun.

“Aren’t you a little early? I’m so sick of you obsessing over me” your fake annoyance is quickly torn by him mumbling for you to shut up and pulling you to a short kiss. 

“Fine- you mess up his hair -  I’ll spend more hours with you just because it is your birthday”

He frowned and tried to fix his hair “I’m surprised you remember”

“Excuse me, how would I forget your birthday?” this time you were the one to pull him into a kiss “happy birthday”. He shared a cute smile and said “Okay, did you pack some stuff as I told you? I have a surprise”

“Ah yes - you showed him your bag - I just don’t get it why all this suprise talk if the birthday is yours anyways”

“I donate even when I’m supposed to be receiving, you know how good of a person I am” he says dramatically.

You hum and nod “yea..sure”

“Let’s go? It’s good if we can get that early still”

“Oh wait, I need to show you this” You open up your back and show him a dress “what do you think for the party? it’s not as pretty as the one you gave me last year but it’s cute enough I guess”

“Party? What are you talking about?” He asked in confusion, confusing you in the process.

“Huh? Sehun, your annual birthday party? Did you forget? You used to look forward so much to it”

“Oh” He started laughing as you stared at him “y/n, I won’t be hosting the party this year”

“You won’t? what? why? first time I put some effort into it and you’re telling me there won’t be any party?” you sulked as you threw the dress back in your bag.

He still laughed at your reaction as he answered “I’m sorry babe but I was sick of having those people that I barely know anymore in my house, but you can still wear the dress tonight, I certainly won’t oppose to it”

“Ok then, if there’s no party then what are we doing mr?”

“You’d know faster if we got going as I said” he offered his hand for you to take it and you two headed to his car as you screamed a little goodbye to your mother on the way.

“You can’t be this mysterious with me Sehun - you said while he started driving -what if you kidnap me or something? How am I supposed to know i’m not in grave danger?”

He looked at you for a second and let out a giggle “I don’t think you’d be that mad if I did to be honest”

You were about to answer on the same note when you noticed you were receiving a call, since your phone was in your hand, Sehun took a glance as well and let out a sigh “Ah what does this guy wants now?”

It was Jungkook who was calling “well, unlike someone who has completely ignored school exits, he is probably just wanting to know something about our assignment”

“Yeah and who calls at a sunday to talk about school y/n?”

“I’m not answering ok? just forget about it”

“You shouldn’t even have his phone, he’s probably gonna track you at some time”

“Oh my God Sehun, stop assuming everyone is plotting against us, I know we’ve came across people like that but he’s just a normal guy, at least have normal suspicious a jealous person would have instead of assuming he is a criminal”

“So you’re saying I should be jealous?”

“That’s your choice, but you shouldn’t be stressing over this today, even if your intuition says he is ready to hunt me down, just focus on your day and let’s enjoy it together”

“You’re right” he said and seemed to relax a little bit.”Let me connect my playlist now instead of hearing your shitty song choices please, it’s my birthday”

“Oh god, will I really have to endure 50 cent Sehun again?”

“Yes, you will” he laughed along and pressed play.

While he seemed to have fun you found yourself looking at him for more than you should until eventually he realized too “what’s up?”

“Nothing, you looked cute that’s all”

“So you finally admit 50 cent Sehun is the cutest Sehun?” he asks with a smile on his face

“Hmmm no, original Sehun is still the cutest” you followed with a kiss on his cheek.

“I should have birthdays more often”

“Shush don’t ruin the moment... how far are we anyways?”

“Not too far, I’ve heard time goes faster if you kiss the one who’s getting older today”

You slapped his arm “I told you not to ruin the moment but you can’t help it right?”

He followed by turning up the volume of the song and trying to get you to sing with him, which turned into a mess of giggles and him shouting for you to ‘be the beyonce to his jayz’

How the hell did you end up liking this guy of all people?

The karaoke session did help in making the time pass faster and Sehun announced you have arrived.

You were in the middle of nowhere and all you could see was green “you’re not ledit kidnapping me right?” you asked as he got out of the car and went to get something in the backseat.

“Nah, that’d take too much work, instead I am going to poison you with this” he took out a picnic basket.

“What? We’re having a picnic?” You helped him getting the bottle he was carrying and followed him.

“Yeah,...is that weird?”

“No, it’s so cute, we haven’t had one in years”

You found a nice spot to sit down and start your picnic. “How did you find this? Did you just drive until you found somewhere peaceful?”

“What? no, I rented that cabin we just passed through for us”

“Oh?”

“You thought I’d come all the way just to have a picnic and then drive all the way back?”

“I don’t know, I’m just surprised you’d be so romantic, are you trying to seduce me Oh Sehun?”

“I’d only need me for that, but no, I just wanted to spend some quality time with my-” he stopped himself and continued “with you”

You smiled “what was that?”

“You got it”

“Were you gonna call me your girlfriend or am I hearing things?”

“Yeah I guess” he shrugged his shoulders “I thought you’d find it weird though”

“No, I just wasn’t aware i was...”

“I mean” he gulped “Do you want to?”

“Want to what?” you teased him and hid your smile behind the glass you were having.

“I swear you just love to torture me since we met” he whined and took a breath “Do you, y/n , want to be my girlfriend?”

“Hmmmm” you pretended to think about it and picked up a flower that was close to you “should I say yes?” you took out a petal “or should I say no?” you repeated the action and saw Sehun rolling his eyes beside you and moving towards you, he picked up the flower from your hands and placed it above your right ear as he said “Stop making me go through this and just answer”

“Of course” you gave him a quick peck “what else would I answer?” he pulled you in for another kiss, but this time more than just a peck as you felt his other arm hug your waist for support, you welcomed his advances and allowed yourself to fall into his embrace, and he laid you down gently as the touches grew more heavy.

You suddenly felt him smile in the kiss and opened your eyes slightly when he stopped for a brief moment “I didn’t rent a cabin for us to do this in the grass”

Laughing at his antics you agreed “that’s my boyfriend”

You two ended up finishing your meal and then heading to the cabin afterwards where he attacked you with kisses which he claimed was his dessert, not that you minded anyways and you spent a pretty fun afternoon entangled in each other’s arms.

“This is so much better than a party, you were right” you said while you two were cuddling near the fire place. He hummed and you remembered “do you remember the first time you kissed me was exactly a year ago?”

“Yeah, that’s true” 

“I still wonder what made you confess to me all of a sudden, was it just the alcohol or?”

“Well the alcohol helped but no, I just I don’t know, I realized I liked you for real and thought I should try”

“I’m glad you did”

He hugged you a little bit stronger and said “you seem to be the only thing in my life I’m sure of, the rest is just fuzzy”

“Well I can relate, we did find out together that our lives weren’t what they seemed to be and we’re going through it, it’s gonna get better”

You both jumped as you heard a harsh knock at the door.

A/N: Short and sweet I guess but this time I won’t take this long to update since next part will be the second to last part of this baby, thank you for reading 

[lovemesomesurveys]

@soulflysurveys

1 Which would you rather learn more about: Christianity or Rastafari? I’ve been reading and studying the Bible for the past 3 years now and I want to continue doing so.

2 When was the last time you cried listening to a song? What song was it & what made you cry? The acoustic version of Everlong by Foo Fighters makes me sad because of the memory I have associated with it. 

3 If you have a YouTube account, what do you use it for? I use it to subscribe to YouTubers I like, leave comments if I want, save videos to watch later, and to just be able to go to my history and watch an old video again if I want to. I do that all the time with ASMR videos.

4 How often do you watch interviews with musicians/celebrities? I watch shows like Daily Pop that discus celebrity and entertainment news and do interviews with celebrities. I used to watch E! News all the time until they changed it earlier this year.

5 How often do you read biographies/search up more information about musicians celebrities? It’s been years since I’ve read any biographies. And like I said, I watch entertainment/celebrity news show and follow that stuff online. 

6 Do you enjoy visiting book stores? What section are you typically drawn to? I used to go to Barnes and Noble quite often. I liked browsing through the whole store, but I always made sure to check out the YA section. 

7 Is there something about Xanga users that used to frustrate you that no longer does? I don’t remember having an issue with anything on Xanga.

8 Here’s a typical question, which do you feel is worse: using marijuana or using alcohol? Why? Using alcohol sounds weird. Anyway, I would say that because it has the potential to become a very serious problem and can cause health issues, sometimes permanent and damaging issues or even death. Drunk driving is another very serious issue. Alcohol can also bring out a very ugly side in some people. It’s not bad in moderation and as long as you’re being responsible it can be fine and a good time. I’m just saying that there are potential risks.

9 Have you ever had any bad experiences while under the influence? The last time I drank I got really drunk and really sick and it was just an awful night. I unfortunately got sick a few times from alcohol. As for weed, I only had one bad experience and that was from my first time with edibles. I quickly learned after that time that it doesn’t take much at all so take it easy, ha. I made the common mistake of thinking it wasn’t doing anything so I needed to eat more and welp. 

10 The last time you went out to eat, who were you with & where did you go? Did you enjoy yourself/the meal? I haven’t been out to eat since February while on my Disneyland vacation with my fam. I can’t believe that was this year...it seems like forever ago. Things quickly changed for the worse soon after that. 

11 How would you feel if you had to deal with the police? Would you feel nervous, upset, angry? I’d be nervous.

12 Have you ever had to deal with the principals at school? For what? Nope.

13 Have you ever done anything pretty daring/against the law with a police officer around? No. Or at all, really.

14 Is singing something that you enjoy doing? Do you feel you are a horrible, alright or very good singer? I like to sing. Too bad I’m horrible, ha. I wish I had that talent.

15 What is something you’ve never done in front of/around your best friend? Well, speaking of smoking my mom never saw me do that. 

16 Are you looking forward to Halloween?  Yessss. Well, more so the time of year. I can’t wait for autumn. I’ve actually been reblogging autumn stuff on my main lately. Summer can really just go now. D: I’m also sad that Halloween Kills got moved to next year, I was really looking forward to that.

17 What is the best spirit day your school has? If you’re graduated, what kinds of spirit days did your school have? We had a lot of different themed days.

18 Is there anything other Xanga users still might not know about you? Would you like to share it? *Tumblr. I share a lot in these surveys so anyone who reads them probably knows a lot about me at this point. I haven’t shared everything, but I’ve been pretty open. 

19 What was the last song that you listened to on repeat? According to Spotify, a few songs I’ve been listening to a lot lately is Rockstar by Dababy, The Box by Roddy Ricch, Savage Remix by Megan thee Stallion ft. Beyonce, and Dream Girl by Ir Sais. 

20 Who would you rather meet: Marilyn Manson or Skrillex? If you don’t know who either of them are, would you be interested in making dubstep or any kind of music along those lines? I actually used to think Skrillex aka Sonny was cute back in the From First to Last days. I was super into scene guys at the time. Anyway, I wouldn’t care to meet either one. 

21 Do you like to make playlists? What kinds of playlists do you usually make? I have a few on my Spotify, but I haven’t made a new one in quite awhile. I just add new music to my main playlist (the starred one). 22 Is there anything that you’re terrified of due to past negative experiences? What is it? >> Of course. I’m not going to list all my triggers here, lmao. <<<

23 When was the last time you had a dream related to something that had happened that day? Can you explain it? I don’t remember. It’s been a long time, I know that. My dreams are often just really random and weird and I forget them soon after I wake up.

24 How often do you have hot flashes? Are you able to deal with it or does it frustrate you? Ugh, quite often actually. They’re horrible. Especially during the summer when I’m already hot because it’s freakin 105 degrees. D:

[purplesurveys]

555

Fifteen Years Ago

How old were you? I was six years old and the biggest thing I was worrying about was not knowing how to draw a star. Who were your best friends? I didn’t have any, but I remember having a group of friends that consisted of Raegan, Aica, Chrissy, and Marty.  If you went to school, where did you go? The same school I went to for 14 years. Where did you live? We still lived at our extended family’s house. It’s just beside our present village. What were your hobbies? Um, I wouldn’t say I had hobbies when I was 6. I liked watching Hi-5 and collecting Pogs, I guess. I remember enjoying coloring too, so I guess that pastime of mine started early.

What were your favorite TV shows? Hi-5, Lazytown, Spongebob. What music did you listen to? I don’t think I had favorite artists or bands that early. Describe what your hair looked like. It was long and a little wavy, but my mom chopped it all off in time for my Prep graduation, which I hated. I liked having pigtails back then. What were your favorite colors? I think it was purple because it was my great-grandma’s favorite color. Describe something you'd typically wear. My mom determined my wardrobe because I was 6, lmao. Who did you live with? Grandparents, parents, my siblings, my cousins, my aunt, and uncle. Our house is a duplex so we also have relatives in the other house (my great-grandma, great-aunt, and two uncles). What was your relationship status? As a 6 year old? Did you have any pets? I had a lot of goldfish back then. Did you have a job? What was it or what was your dream job? No.

Ten Years Ago

How old were you? I was 11. Kinda chaotic year in terms of reaching puberty and being confused about literally everything all of a sudden. Where did you live? We had already moved to the house we currently live in today. Who did you you live with? Just my immediate family this time around. Kimi had already joined us, too. Did you have any pets? Yes, my dog. Who were your best friends? Angela and Marielle. Did you have a job? What was it or what was your dream job? Nope, I was in fifth grade. Did you go to school? If so, where? Still the same school. What were your favorite colors? I’m really not sure but I have to guess purple, because great-grandma was obsessed with it. I think I briefly liked orange too because this was around the time I got into Paramore, and Hayley still dyed her hair orange. What were your favorite TV shows? I didn’t watch a lot of TV during this time. I got into Twilight, though. What were your hobbies? This was around the time cellphones (and in particular, flip phones) and group messages became all the rage, so I was obsessed with using my phone back then. This was the era when sneaking in your phone to school still made you look like a cool little rebel haha. Other than that, I remember repeating the first Twilight movie over and over just because I loved the books so much, and listening on my iPod. What music did you listen to? Paramore, Linkin Park, and Beyonce. Describe what your hair looked like. I had my hair layered around this time. Describe a typical outfit you'd wear. I started wearing nicer blouses, but my wardrobe still wasn’t all that remarkable. Describe a random memory from that year. Joining an academic quiz bee in school and winning first place. That made me cool for like a couple of weeks lol.

Five Years Ago

How old were you? 16. Lots of growing in those five years that passed. Where did you live? Same house I live in. Who did you live with? Same bunch of people, and still the same dog. Did you have any pets? Yes. It’s still only just him; Arlee didn’t join until 2-3 years later. Did you have a job? What was it or what was your dream job? Nah, I was too busy doing high school. Were you in school? If so, where did you go? Yes, I was in junior year. One of the better years, if you ask me. What was your relationship status? I started seeing Gab in the latter half of being 16. This, after believing I was gonna end up single for life haha. What were your favorite colors? I liked sky blue and black, I think. What were your hobbies? Watching wrestling was still a regular occurence for me back then. I was also into watching more movies and I remember briefly going back to my hobby of reading. It didn’t last long, though. What were your favorite TV shows? The Walking Dead. What music did you listen to? Ah, my punk rock phase. I’d listen to tons of Against Me!, H2O, The Bouncing Souls, Cro-Mags, The Misfits, and Rise Against. Describe what your hair looked like. Wavy. Nothing special. Describe a typical outfit outfit you'd wear. I stocked up on little black dresses and form-fitting items because this was the time I got into Audrey Hepburn and wanted to look like her. But the rest of my wardrobe was still meh. I SWEAR I only got conscious of my outfits by the time I got to college lmao. Who were your best friends? Angela, Sofie, and Gabie. Athenna was a good friend, too.

This Year!

How old are you? IIIIIIIi turned 21 this year. Where do you live? Same old house. Who do you live with? Same people, same dog, but now we have Arlee, my sister’s cat, too. Do you have any pets? Yes. I don’t claim Arlee as mine but I mean I still care for her, so. What is your relationship status? Still with Gab. Who are your best friends? Gab, Angela. I’ve also found a family in my orgmates. Do you have a job? What is it or what is your dream job? Not yet, but I definitely want to land somewhere in public relations or marketing. Do you attend school? Which school? Yep, I’m in my last year of college. I go to school in UP. What are your favorite colors? Pastel pink. I’ve toned down my obsession with black but it’s still one of my favorites. What are your favorite TV shows? Breaking Bad and Friends, def. I also like Queer Eye and have watched a few episodes of The Crown and Stranger Things. What music do you listen to? It’s a bit of everything. I’d listen to Disney songs, top 40, jazz, pop rock, R&B, and lofi. What are your hobbies? I still love coloring. I also like trying out new food, going out with friends, traveling, watching documentaries and reading about culture and history haha. Describe what your hair looks like. I’ve literally got no time to bother about styling it. It’s just been straight and frizzy for the last three years since I started college. Describe a typical outfit you'd wear. Something girly. I like tank tops and skinny jeans.

Your Future!

What job do you wish you could have? Already mentioned it a few questions ago. Do you want kids or do you already have kids? I want them. What are their names and ages? Or what do you want to name your kids? I’d name a daughter Olivia. If I had a boy I’d most likely go with naming it after my girlfriend’s dad. Are you married or do you wish to be married someday? I want to be married. Hi, Z-ers who still wanna get married exist! Do you drive a car? What car do you wish you could own some day? I do. I’m into small cars so my dream car would be one of the Minis, haha. They look soooo pretty. What pets do you think would be cool to have some day? I’d stick with dogs. Hmm... not sure what else to ask.... What is your name?Robyn.Height?Am on the tinier side. 5′1″ or something.Weight? If you don't want to share, that's completely fine lol.I’m a little below 100 lbs.What's your eye color?Black. Or like a super dark brown. I don’t really know.Favorite bands/artists?Paramore and Joji, currently.What talents do you possess?I like researching, writing, and editing; not sure if they count as talents but yeah, I enjoy doing those.

[mittensmorgul]

How long does it typically take you to write, edit, finish a fic?

It depends, honestly. I probably shouldn’t count things I write for bangs, because even when I’ve finished writing and editing, I still have to wait for my posting date, and I’ll probably edit it a couple more times before posting.

Like my pinefest fic that posted in February, I actually wrote the draft of it in July and August of last year, gave it an edit in December, and then edited it again in January. This is the problem I’ve run into the last two years of the dcbb, when I started writing my intended fic when registration opened in April, but finished by June and was like... I don’t want to wait until October or November to post this...

Ultraviolet I just wanted out in the world. I started writing it in early March 2017, and posted it June 25. So, maybe three and a half months? It’s not a horrendously long fic at 45k.

Cakepocalypse! (a bit longer at just over 64k) took even less time, almost exactly 3 months. So it just depends. (but come ON that’s the perfect post s13 hellatus fic and there was no way I was holding on to that until s14 started... it would’ve been cruel, even if I would’ve LOVED to have seen art for it :’D)

Worst Case Scenario, at right about 30k, took two months. McMansion Hell at 21k took two weeks... (this is proof that I am a case fic machine, I think?)

The first fic I ever posted (25k) took a month, and the next thing I wrote... Project Beyonce (37k)... took three whole weeks... 

The thing I’ve been writing for the last two months is maybe... 2/3 done? maybe 3/4? But it still needs editing, and I still won’t be posting it until DCBB time. :D 

It really does depend... how “easy” is a particular story for me to write? Some just flow (like Project Beyonce), and others require more research (Around the World in 24 Days, Revenge of the Subtext). And THANK YOU for including editing time! Because the times I quoted above include at least two editing passes with time in between. Including a final editing pass as I upload everything to AO3, which can take a couple days on its own. Posting a long fic for a challenge? I always allow a week to upload, format, and edit everything on AO3 in my schedule, so that on my posting day I just have to click the post button (biggest stress-saver ever tbh).

Obviously shorter things are quicker... the last thing I posted is only 600 words, which I wrote a couple of years ago as a tumblr post that probably took half an hour and edited and posted it on AO3 last week in about an hour. I try to write at least 1k a night (except for a couple nights a week... Mr. Mittens’ night off, and during the season Supernatural nights are for meta), but usually get more than that. Last night was an okay night... about 1200 words, but the night before was a banner one at almost 3k, some nights suck and I’m lucky to get a few hundred, and that’s fine! sometimes I can’t write at all, I’m just too tired or my brain won’t cooperate for whatever reason. I just get back to it the next night.

I’m also a compulsive editor. I have designated “writing time” (which technically was an hour ago on a normal night, but I was out with friends tonight so I might not even write... pffft who am I kidding I will probably write eventually here). Every night I HAVE TO go back and reread/edit at least as far back as the beginning of the previous night’s writing. Some people will tell you to NEVER do this, because of the tendency to rewrite stuff and fail to make any new words. I’ll tell you that for ME, I can’t NOT do this. Going back and rereading (and yes, editing some, but not heavily) gets me back into the feel of the story. My writing would be a disjointed emotional trainwreck unless I took that time (usually 15-20 minutes depending on how much I wrote the night before) to get back into the right mindset for that fic. This also spares me from the trap of repeating stuff that I just said, or leaving stuff out that needs to be there (like all that stuff I keep writing in my head after I close the laptop and go to bed... Sometimes I can’t remember what actually made it into the document and what’s still floating around in my head).

This was wild to answer, btw, because I’d never really thought about how long it takes me to write fic, and just looking up dates to make these estimates was both a trip down memory lane thinking about my life during all these periods, as well as a bit surreal because whoa I cannot BELIEVE it only took me 3 weeks to write Project Beyonce :’D.

(more than a decade ago I wrote a draft of a 105k novel in 15 days, and I do not recommend ever writing anything that quickly... it’s not healthy... pace yourselves better than that) :P

But writing takes as long as it takes. Some people are quick, some are slow, and some are George RR Martin.

(even worse, some are Tolkien)

(thank you for giving me an excuse to look this nonsense up... if this wasn’t the sort of answer you were looking for, let me know and I’ll try to answer differently :D)

[kasiopeiae]

A Princess and a Popstar Walk into the Beyonce After Party… A Breakfast Chat blog by Kelly Cartwright The name Harry Styles evokes strong feelings in people not only on our little island, but around the world. For many, it’s a moistness in our knickers…. I jest, I jest! (But not really.) The boybander-turned-solo-crooner stole our hearts over 8 years ago during One Direction’s trial run on The X Factor and has since cruelly toyed with our tickers. There’s been flashes of the cheeky bad boy and the sexy rockstar, but nothing has twisted our hearts—or at least mine—more than boyfriend Harry. Boyfriend Harry has made a handful of appearances over the years, and now that we know he’s romancing Princess Bernie, I’ve seen a select portion of Directioners and Harries—and the general public as well, my postman is obsessed!—prep themselves for the return of boyfriend Harry. But before you sharpen your fanfiction pencils and sort out the power couple name (are we feeling Barry or Harnie more?) let’s evaluate all we know about boyfriend Harry. Harry has spent the last year and half touring the world with his debut solo album. Along with the world, he toured quite a few bedrooms. And each (admittedly short-term) relationship ticked all the same boxes. Before we dive into them, I want to make one thing clear—Styles has used these tricks for years, but five somewhat-public relationships in 18 months has made them glaringly obvious. 1. A Girl with Something to Gain: No one can deny the sweetness of Harry Styles and that sweetness clearly carries over into his relationships. Harry has a tendency, whether purposefully or not, to fall for women who could use a bit more exposure to tip their careers over the edge. Princess Bernie’s career is well set—she’s only going to be the bloody Queen of England one day—but she still has something to gain from being attached to the beloved British boybander—goodwill of the public. 2. Shirt Swap This one’s simple. If I had a Gucci shirt for every Gucci shirt Harry gave off his back to his besotted, I’d have a wardrobe to last a lifetime and five times more expensive than my current. Although, we have to admit, the princess did look well fit in his puffy pirate shirt. 3. The Promise Ring What promise that ring holds is a mystery, but it’s a matter of fact that Harry has a penchant for sporting his love-of-the-moment’s jewelry—particularly rings. I have a feeling in a few days time we’ll see Princess Bernie’s treasured gold Hermès painted ponies ring on a more masculine finger. 4. The Replacement Necklace But have no fear, Mr. Styles is a gentleman and always gifts the apple of his eye with a piece of jewelry from his own collection. Typically it’s a necklace, though his love tour saw a variety of bracelets and even watches exchanged. 5. The Family Engagement Ever the family man, Harry tends to bring his girlfriends home to mum within at least the first month and a half of dating. My guess is by September we’ll have a full walk in the park spread with mum, and by November sis will have a new bestie. But this is where it will get interesting. While Harry’s family is notorious for loving every girlfriend he brings home—and I mean every—the Royal Family is none too easy to please. I’m willing to sacrifice my firstborn to be a fly on the wall for the first meeting between King James and Harry Styles. And finally… 6. The Rumors Somewhere between 3 and 6 months, rumors will start to swirl on the internet that the two lovebirds find it difficult to be apart. Then it will be that his love’s career has taken off, and she just doesn’t have time to follow Harry on tour anymore. We’ll go a month without any pictures, and then the news will break that the couple quietly split six weeks ago, but they’re still close friends. Harry is always friends with his exes. After the breakup, Harry will jet off on tour again or maybe do another movie, meet a pretty model, and see step 1. Admittedly, the fact that Harry’s latest stop on the love train is an actual princess definitely throws a wrench into the groundwork I’ve laid. But I maintain we are seeing the same cycle repeat itself, with a major change. For once, Harry Styles will gain the exposure he always provides. I know, I know, I can hear you now—he’s the biggest popstar in Britain, Kelly! What’s he need exposure for? Well, I’ve done my homework and know that Mr. Harry Styles doesn’t have a single gig, chat show, or film booked after his last show in Australia this October. The worst thing in the world for the hottest popstar at the moment is to go on a extended break. Enter Princess Bernie, and the dormant popstar just got a lot more interesting.

Princess and the Popstar - coming to Tumblr and Wattpad on February 16 at 5:30pm est.

[helpingmehelpmyself]

Things I Used to Enjoy- March 29, 2021

Gosh, I have so many things going through my head. I miss the days I was able to daydream, read fanfiction, and watch television. I remember the day would go by and I would question where the time went. But it felt like self care to me then and I enjoyed it. Now it feels like a useless distraction that no longer serves its purpose. 

I want to enjoy the things I used to enjoy. I love fanfiction (particularly, Teen Wolf sterek fanfiction. I can also ship steter, starrish, and stackson. I believe they can all compliment Stiles well). I would squeel while reading and get excited every time I found a new fanfiction that fits my criteria. Sometimes I have good days in which I can read fanfiction and fall into the story.

I used to love daydreaming. My imagination is basically a fanfiction with ten or so fandoms running around with some cannon and non-cannon storylines. I liked falling asleep to my daydreams or staring at the wall while I daydreamed. I considered writing my daydreams down and turning them into a fanfiction for Ao3, but part of it feels personal. This is a world I have written and rewritten so many times since I was... 16, maybe? It’s easier to rewrite or follow through a storyline in my head than it is to write it down and focus on details that I never really focused on before. If your curious, my daydream fanfictions include the following fandoms: Teen Wolf, Scandal, Glee, Twilight, The Gentlemen, and Crazy Rich Asians. Occasionally, Beyonce’s Homecoming special and other things will make an appearance. I include most characters from these programs and create some OC’s in my head that have nothing to do with the other fandoms. Sometimes I’ll pluck someone from another place, like Carrie from Sex & The City but combine her with Isabel from Glee and mix up her storyline, or create a character with the appearance of a famous actor, like the original Mr. Fantastic actor.

I loved music. I could listen to music all day and enjoy myself. Sometimes it was the soundtrack to my imagination or I’d have some of my characters sing the songs I was listening to. I would listen to the same songs on repeat and create scenes with them and sometimes I’ll be able to add new music to the mix. If I wanted to listen to an album, I’d sit/lay down in my room and focus on nothing but the album. If there was an artist I liked and wanted to explore more of, I would go through their entire Spotify history and listen to every song at least once. I’d add it to my Liked Songs playlist because I am crap at creating playlists (minus the Boudoir playlist I made last year for my photoshoot, but that’s another story). Almost every song I have ever liked is on my Liked Songs. I think I have over a thousand songs on there, which is pretty decent. I kind of know where every song is located when it’s organized by Recently Added. Minus screamo, heavy metal, gangsta rap, underground music or electronic music, I listened to a little of everything. I loved Glee, Hamilton, Meg the Stalion, Kendrick Lamarr, the Civil Wars, early Taylor Swift, American Authors, Secondhand Serenade, G-Eazy, Mulatto, Into the Heights, Moana, Victorious, I could go on. Every song plays a part of my history and I love expanding it.

I can’t really do those things the same anymore and I wish I could. Writing fanfiction sounds like it could be a possibility for me because most of my life, I wanted to be a writer or be an editor. The fear of financial security made me switch to a business major and it didn’t make things any easier I find. I guess more approving nods from other adults about my choice in degree was a plus.

I can’t focus on my own daydreams anymore. It used to give me so much joy but it also reflected my emotions: horny, sad, in love, etc. The fact that I was able to create worlds that don’t exist to anyone but me made me happy. Sometimes when I wanted to be closer to God, I’d even deepen the relationship of some of my characters with God. 

Music doesn’t sound the same anymore. I can’t focus to the point of slipping into happiness often.

I did have a good day the day before yesterday. I decided that maybe listening to the song that always lifted my spirits in the past, whether they needed lifting or not, would help. My song is “Do You Believe in Magic” by Aly & AJ. I don’t know what it is about that song but when I first heard it on Disney Channel when I was little for the movie, Now You See It. Something about that song was and still is special. I was able to sing horribly to the song. I was watching Freaky Friday that day and remembered how much Ultimate by Lindsey Lohan rocked. I was able to listen to that song and daydream a totally new scenario for my mental fanfiction characters. There was so much happiness and positivity in the scene.

That same day, when night fell, I felt so sad I made myself sick and was gagging in the toilet. I convinced myself not to make myself throw up because I don’t want that to become a habit. I don’t want to mentally make myself sick and think that throwing up every time will fix me. I felt like shit for hours later, but I was glad that I didn’t throw up. I knew I was in a bad enough position that I needed company. 2/3 of my best friends and one of their boyfriends showed up at my place, late at night and stayed with me for hours. We’d talk about the issues that were plaguing my mind and about 2 of them moving into a new apartment together. 

I went back and forth from lying in the bathroom and lying in my bed. I don’t know why but whenever I was sick growing up, laying on the bathroom floor made me feel better. I know it is unsanitary and gross, but you get to a point that you don’t care. The bathroom has always felt safe for me. I still remember the first time I did it. My mom, brother, and I lived in an apartment about 20-30 minutes away from where we live now. I was getting ready for school one day and I guess I didn’t feel good. I laid down on the bathroom floor and that’s how my mom found me. She knew that this little 5 or 6 year old that never complained about school wasn’t faking anything. I think after that point, my mom became pretty trusting of me whenever I said I can’t go to school. Whether I was physically sick or needed a mental health day, she let it happen. I didn’t practice this often until I was junior high and high school, but it helped knowing my mom would let me take care of myself however I saw fit. I think she also didn’t want to have to keep taking off of work to pick me up from school.

The issues that brought me to tears were my boyfriend, the love of my life. I have only dated one boy before him. That was back in high school and I liked that I had a boyfriend more than I actually liked my boyfriend. We had been friends for years and were in speech and debate together. I asked him to my prom and, due to a misunderstanding, he never replied. When we realized the misunderstanding, he asked me to his prom (We went to two different schools) which was fun. It was at a country club, his parents had dinner catered to their house for us (very successful accountants) and we got some cute pictures from that night. I found myself bored with the relationship and knew ending it wouldn’t affect my quality of life within that moment. So I did. Now he is happily out as gay with his partner of 3 years and starting Harvard Law in the fall. I kind of like that fact and it made it easier to be friends with him on Facebook and Instagram again.

But back to my current boyfriend, the boy I didn’t think that I would fall for. To make our love story short (I’ll probably go into more in another post), we met on Tinder 2.5 years ago when the guy I was talking to/dating previously decided to go back to his toxic/abusive ex-girlfriend. I was talking to my soon-to-be boyfriend and another guy at the time and my boyfriend was the one that lasted. I remember that I would message every Tinder match with “Aye” because everyone wants the other person to start the conversation or else there won’t be a conversation. He responded with “I love your smile. It’s so positive” and that was my downward spiral. We’re pretty good at communication and we are a good match for each other. We both come from mostly different backgrounds, racially and socially. Sometimes there are things about me he’ll never understand, but making strong friends with people who weren’t racially the same as me kind of prepared me for that. 

Anyways, he wants to be a doctor of osteopathic medicine (still don’t know what that is) and go to med school for it a year after our undergrad. I don’t plan on starting grad school right now because I am not fully sure what I want to do with my career just yet. I’m not going to put myself in more debt or spend more time in school without a reason. Anyways, not many medical schools in our state offer the certification he’d need so he’s even looking at schools out of state. I have always wanted to go with him and support him through it while I start my career, but as that time draws closer, I find myself unsure of myself.

I need a lot of attention and am very sociable. I know when he goes to med school, he won’t be able to give me as much attention and he can’t really be faulted for that. It probably won’t get any easier once he does his residency and beyond. Despite being sociable, I have created a support network of my family and friends (we’ve been together for like 10 years). It’s to a point that I can socialize with other people with the idea that they are going to be acquaintances or somewhat distant friends. I usually know what kind of friend I want people to be before or during meeting them. But my dependency on my support network is so... strong that it kind of messed up a very big job opportunity for me a few years ago. I am afraid of having to make new connections again once we move away. Regardless if he choses a school in our state or not, we’d have to move. I don’t want him to be my only social connection, but am also afraid of making new ones. 

I made a list of all the things that scared me with possible solutions in which moving away with him was on it. I wrote that I would try to connect with coworkers (I can’t imagine and kind of don’t want to be best friends with a coworker. You never know when play ends and work begins) and neighbors. I don’t even talk to my neighbors now. I thought I could bake my famous browned butter salted chocolate chip cookies and share them with people, hoping that it would be the start of something. I’ve picked up random conversations with random people before so hopefully I can still do that (I stopped the whole “don’t talk to strangers” thing when I was like 19). 

These solutions made sense to me and I hoped that by writing it down, I could move on with my life. That wasn’t the case. I became so focused on would by current boyfriend be able to meet my needs in the future and whether I’d be strong enough to let him go if it was impossible. I found myself loving him more than I loved myself and make decisions on bettering myself for him. Covid Vaccine? For him. Finding a good job? For him. I don’t want to love someone else more than I love myself. I don’t want these decisions to be based on another person. I want to chose what is right for me for me and not someone else.  

I wasn’t this way before my boyfriend. I actually avoided being in a relationship for a few years because I didn’t think I’d enter one for the right reason. Usually, I put myself and my happiness first. When I decided I was ready to care for another person, my boyfriend wasn’t the first guy I chose. I didn’t know he’d become the love of my life. I didn’t know that we’d want the same exact thing from our relationship and have active, open communication about or wants and needs from the other person. I craved his attention, always wanted to be around him, and didn’t even stop talking about him our first year together. I am better now, but he still finds way into my conversations because he’s what makes me happy. 

I’m not upset that I love him. I wouldn’t take that back. I just wish that I was enough for myself again in which I could make decisions for me and stand by them. I want to create the life I want and I want him a part of it. But if that’s not God’s Plan, can I let go of him? In all honesty, I’d rather be miserable with him with occasional happiness than miserable without him. Maybe that’s too strong of a statement so don’t take that at full face value.

I want to be able to figure this out while we are still together, but mentally I keep thinking I have a time frame to “fix myself”. At the same time, I know I don’t because I know mental health doesn’t work that way. I have the ability to take the time I need to take care of myself again which I am grateful for. It’s like having an adult and child in my mind. The child is crying all of my fears and anxieties while the adult is trying to calm them down with reasoning. I am thankful that I am at least this aware of my mental state. I can understand when something is anxiety or depression, name it, and although I am stuck with it, I try not to fall too deep in it.  

I still have hope things will get better and I won’t always feel this way. Hope and faith is all I have some days and that’s okay. I am one day closer to being the me I want to be.

[rowdyholtzy]

I ask for all the numbers because I have no self control when it comes to discussing music. Also, I vow to answer all questions as well because I feel that it's only fair. *grins*

1. Your current favorite song

“Know Your Name” by Mary Lambert - I’m so addicted I made this

                                                                                                    2. A song that used to be your favorite, but now you don’t like

U.N.I.T.Y. by Queen Latifah - I still love it, it’s not fast enough for me to listen to it often    

And not to go on an intersectional feminist rant but y’all know the hella popular show Friends?

In case it’s lack of diversity wasn’t offensive enough, It was a total ripoff of Queen Latifah’s show “Living Single” (which btw only got 5 seasons compared to Friends’s 10).

And of course Living Single is way funnier and better written….

ANYWAYS, let’s continue….

3. A song that used to be your favorite that you still like

“So What” by P!nk                                                                                         

 4. A song that you’re embarrassed to like

To quote P!nk “I don’t feel guilty about any of my pleasures”

                                                                                                     5. A song that reminds you of another period in your life

“Don’t Let Me Get Me by P!nk was my college experience                                                                      

 6. A song that reminds you of a place you’ve been

Haven’t traveled enough

7. A song from a genre you don’t usually listen to

“Hey Cinderella” by Suzy Bogguss

8. A song you loved when you were a little kid

That “reflection” song from Mulan

9. A song you loved 5 years ago

Anything by P!nk

10. A song that reminds you of your childhood

We didn’t listen to music when I was growing up

11. A song that reminds you of your best friend

“Million Reasons” by Lady Gaga

12. A song that reminds you of someone you hate

“Dear Mr. President” by P!nk

13. A song that reminds you of your current partner/crush

“Hallelujah”, as sung by Kate McKinnon because she is my crush

                                                                                                    14. A song that reminds you of an ex

“Halo” by Beyonce

15. A song that makes you want to fall in love

“Know Your Name” by Mary Lambert

16. A song that makes you want to cry

“Hallelujah” by Jewel

17. A song that makes you want to slay your enemies

“Bad Reputation” by Joan Jett

18. A song that you work out to

All of them

19. A song that you’ve seen performed live

I’ve seen P!nk, Ani Difranco, India.Arie once each, and Jewel, Meghan Trainor, and Hayley Kiyoko twice each. You do the math…

20. A song that you’ve listened to on repeat recently

“Know Your Name” by Mary Lambert

21. Your top most played song on iTunes

I have no clue how to navigate this new version of iTunes. It’s frustrating as fuuuuuuuuck. I tried to find out this information and like how??? Nothing is organized??? Like it should be??? It’s exhausting and I hate it.

But probably something by P!nk…

                                                                                                    22. A song that motivates you to work/helps you focus

Whatever song I’m obsessed with atm

23. A song from the soundtrack of your favorite video game/movie/TV show

“STOP, I’M ALREADY DEAD” BY DEADBOY AND THE ELEPHANTMEN BECAUSE IT’S THE THEME SONG TO IZOMBIE WHICH IS THE BEST SHOW AND IT’S ON NETFLIX GO WATCH IT RIGHT NOW I MEAN IT’S WHERE THIS GIF IS FROM DO YOU EVEN NEED ANOTHER REASON TO WATCH IT NO GO WATCH IT

                                                                                                    24. A song that you think is really overplayed

Literally anything by Justice Beaver

                                                                                                    25. A song that you listened to ironically, but now you genuinely love

Not applicable

26. A song that reminds you of your favorite fictional character

“Rhythm of The Night” by Debarge… Is it by DeBarge? I thought it was Devo…

                                                                                                    27. A song that best describes your personality

Anything that would be described as “GigglePunk”

28. A song that represents “your aesthetic”

See above answer

29. A song that cheers you up when you’re sad

“Know Your Name” by Mary Lambert

30. A song from a band that you’ve grown up loving

We didn’t listen to music

31. A song that you want to cover (regardless of how much talent you have)

No. Nobody’s ears deserve that.

32. A song that you think has an important message

“Most Girls” by Hailee Steinfeld

33. A song whose message you don’t like

Too many… so much sexist shit out there from too many decades

34. Your favorite song that’s a cover of another song

LP’s cover of Beyonce’s “Halo”

35. A song that sends chills down your spine

“Hallelujah”, as sung by Kate McKinnon

36. A song that best describes your current emotion

“Most Girls” by Hailee Steinfeld

37. A song that helped you through a difficult time in your life

“Don’t Let Me Get Me” by P!nk                                                                                                

38. A song that you think is underrated

LITERALLY EVERYTHING BY P!NK JUST GIVE HER ALL THE AWARDS SHE IS A GODDESS

                                                                                                    39. Your favorite instrumental (no lyrics/singing) song

Error 404: not found

40. A song by a band from your hometown

lol whut? who the feck is from Sharon MA?

41. A song from the year you were born

I’m going to go full Lez here and say “Closer To Fine” by Indigo Girls

42. Your favorite “old” song (pre-90s)

“Do I Make Myself Clear” by Etta James

43. A song that makes you laugh

“Stupid Girls”, “So What”, and “U & Ur Hand”, all by P!nk

44. A song from your favorite musical

Error 404: not found

45. Your favorite Disney song

Error 404: not found

46. A song that you wish more people knew about

It’s honestly a tie between “Know Your Name” by Mary Lambert and “Most Girls” by Hailee Steinfeld

47. A song that you love to dance to

“Know Your Name” by Mary Lambert

48. A song that you can’t help but sing along

“So What” by P!nk. Can anyone not sing along to that?

49. A song whose lyrics you have memorized

Literally everything by P!nk

50. Free slot! Any song you want to share!

“Know Your Name” by Mary Lambert

[spiritualgravity]

Numinous.

You think you know who you are, then one day you wake up, and you literally don’t recognize yourself anymore from the inside — out. So far my pregnancy has been an evolution of slowing not knowing who this new person is.

Ya know when you gain weight, it comes on little by little, normally, that you don’t really SEE the perimeter of your ass growing on a day-to-day basis?

I’m normally very calm, collected, positive, and have an uncanny ability to see everything with a glass-half-full attitude. I also have a decent amount of self-confidence. OK, that’s a lie. I struggle with the best of them...regarding my physical image anyway. But the inner Beyonce I-can-do-anything-and-be-anything-that-I-want-to-be-when-I-grow-up attitude is what I do possess {special thanks to my father for instilling that belief in myself as a child}.

Since about 6 weeks pregnant, I’ve gradually lost myself both mentally and physically. A friend of mine who has two children explained it best, “You’re still you. You’re just a different version.”

My last blog post was at 18 weeks along; a manic, hot mess. Since then my bump finally popped at 19 weeks, so it’s obvious I’m not just fat, I’m actually pregnant. And I felt little one move inside of me last week too which is really, really cool.

I’m extremely grateful for those two milestones for many reasons.

But here’s the thing —I’m not enjoying being pregnant. 

Let me explain.

numinous

(adj.) describing an experience that makes you fearful yet fascinated, awed yet attracted — the powerful, personal feeling of being overwhelmed and inspired.

I am happy and blessed and all of those things for BEING pregnant. But I don’t actually take pleasure in being pregnant. Many women have gushed to me about how much they LOVED being pregnant, “I felt GREAT! I loved everyyyy second.” 

I can’t relate to that on anyyyy level whatsoever. It’s like people who enjoy running. The ones who don’t do it strictly because of benefits of losing weight / staying in shape, but because they actually enjoy running. I just don’t get those very special class of people. 

For the most part, I am not ashamed of admitting it. I’ve always been extremely transparent. I’ve written blogs for nearly 10 years spilling my guts out on the Internet for God’s sake, I live and breathe truth. Being honest is cathartic for my soul. But I don’t think people can really handle it all of the time. People will ask me, expecting a certain answer about how wonderful I’m feeling and I just tell them the truth. I feel like a disappointment in those moments; they want to hear joy and giddiness. I also sometimes hear a subtle internal voice of guilt, that my little girl would ever think she isn’t wanted because that’s not true. It’s just the damn journey that is killing me softly.

What I’ve come to realize is that every pregnancy is extremely different — women face a variety of symptoms from nausea, to carpel tunnel, to heart burn. The severity of these issues also vary greatly. My cross to bear in the 2nd trimester is dibilitating headaches that come 2-3 times a week. I never fully appreciated Advil until I could no longer take it. No natural remedies have worked for me — none. Cold compresses, hot neck wraps, eating pineapple, drinking lemon water, rubbing peppermit oil on my temples, caffeine, dark chocolate...and the headaches can last for 12+ hours, my longest lastest for 48 hours. My blood pressure is normal too, so that isn’t the cause.

There are also sharp, knife-stabbing pains in both sides of my hips most nights of the week. I feel trapped, or helpless, because I cannot sleep on my back or my belly, so I’m forced to lay on the two places that are extremely painful — my sides.

So far since I’ve been pregnant I’ve had 3 prenatal massages. And yesterday was my initiation to begin chiropractic care.

Although I’ve always been a bit scared of having my spine and neck “cracked” — nothing about that seems natural — I decided to bite the bullet out of desperation. Many mothers who have come before me swear by chiropractic adjustments during their 40 weeks of growing a child inside the womb to help offset the destruction of their bodies. I may not be the most intelligent of the bunch, but I am smart enough to follow other people who have had success at something and follow their lead.

It turns out that it can get worse before it gets better. “There’s a chance that may happen,” the doctor said. Unfortunately that was the case for me. After the doc analyzed me from head to toe, she used the words, “your shoulder is a hot mess” (which stems from a workout injury over a year ago that I never took care of). And that doesn’t include my C2 (the upper part of my spine’s vertebra) which is jacked up. Also my right hip is pushing forward and my left hip is facing back, so they too need to be aligned. I literally woke up in tears this morning...not just from the physical pain, but from feeling completely exhausted from not sleeping and frustrated. 

That medical analysis was a perfect metaphor for how I feel — out of alignment. 

When life is falling apart in any fashion, I tend to become all consumed with fixing it. Last spring I had vertigo once, so I saw a homeopathic specialist and began taking chinese/herbal supplements, received a reiki treatment, splurged in buying essential oils, and received multiple massages. 

So naturally I’d do the same again, given my neurotic state of the pregnancy union. In addition to the physical care I’m seeking out, I’m also tackling other areas that need some TLC.

Last week I attended a women’s bootcamp counseling session workshop that is called “Cultivating Feminine Presence.” It included about 6 women who all admitted to being trapped in stereotypical female roles including unnecessarily apologizing on the regular for things that are completely out of our control, as well as being repeat offender people-pleasers. The goal in the workshop series is to help us connect with the sacral part of our bodies and help to “face any situation with confidence and grace.” I figured with my body being contorted and having some dark mental moments with this pregnancy, I could use all of the grace I can get.

And last but not least today I decided to go back to my roots. Well not literally, my roots are naturally a mousy brown, but go back to being blonde. I have rotated back and forth to many shades of the hair follicle rainbow over the years, usually because I get bored. But this time it was much deeper than that. I  recognize myself more as a blonde at my core, so I thought maybe this would make me feel like myself a little bit more...by looking like myself a little bit more.

Because I’ve lost myself, maybe going lighter would lighten things up. Blondes do have more fun anyway.

[dickloverspizza]

1-99 🙃🙃

You’re SOOOOO extra like i’ll get you back for this. But I have nothing better to do so here it goes

1:Do you sleep with your closet doors open or closed?

already answered

2: Do you take the shampoos and conditioner bottles from hotel?

already answered

3:Do you sleep with your sheets tucked in or out?

Tucked out so I can wrap them around me

4: Have you ever stolen a street sign before?

No but I want to

5: Do you like to use post-it notes?

I try but I never use them for more than a couple days and I always forget them

6:Do you cut out coupons but then never use them?

All the time

7:Would you rather be attacked by a big bear or a swarm of a bees?

I choose a giant bear because its just one definitive enemy .A swarm of bees is just a cloud of confusion and there’s no escape.

8: Do you have freckles?

already answered

9:Do you always smile for pictures?

No. It feels awkward to smile and I can never make it look natural 

10:What is your biggest pet peeve?

11: Do you ever count your steps when you walk?

Usually I count steps when I’m on stairs

12: Have you ever peed in the woods?

No

13: What about pooped in the woods?

already answered

14:Do you ever dance even if there’s no music playing?

I do this constantly

15: Do you chew your pens and pencils?

I used to but not anymore after I realized how ugly the pens look afterwards

16: How many people have you slept with this week?

already answered

17: What size is your bed?

already answered 

18: What is your Song of the week?

Bambi by Jidenna. You ever listen to a song and u can tell its gonna become ur summer jam like that’s me with this song and I’m adding it to my summer playlist. It’s been in my head on repeat for the last two days

19: Is it okay for guys to wear pink?

of course 

20: Do you still watch cartoons?

yes

21:Whats your least favorite movie?

almost any action movie honestly

22: Where would you bury hidden treasure if you had some?

already answered

23: If you're a girl, bra size? If you're a guy, pants size?

Like this is a lil cis but im a 34b 

24: What do you dip a chicken nugget in?

Honey Mustard or Duck Sauce or BBQ

25: What is your favorite food?

idk but I’d never say no to a good burrito

26: What movies could you watch over and over and still love?

The Harry Potter Movies, 2001: A Space Odyssey, And all the romcoms from BET like Love & Basketball and Deliver Us from Eva 

27: Last person you kissed/kissed you?

No one :(

28: Were you ever a boy/girl scout?

Nope

29:Would you ever strip or pose nude in a magazine?

already answered

30: When was the last time you wrote a letter to someone on paper?

I honestly can’t remember. Probably writing a letter to Santa years and years ago.

31: Can you change the oil on a car?

No. Lmao I can barely change lanes when I’m driving

32. Ever gotten a speeding ticket?

No

33: Ever ran out of gas?

No

34:Favorite kind of sandwich?

You can never go wrong with bacon, egg & cheese

35: Best thing to eat for breakfast?

Waffles and bacon

36: What is your usual bedtime?

Usually anytime between 10:30-11:30

37: Are you lazy?

I try not to be but yeah

38: When you were a kid, what did you dress up as for Halloween?

I was never allowed to celebrate Halloween

39: What is your Chinese astrological sign?

Year of the Rabbit I think

40: Are you horny?

already answered

41:Do you have any magazine subscriptions?

No

42: Which are better legos or lincoln logs?

Easily Legos

43: Are you stubborn?

I can be if I wanna be petty but usually no

44: Who is better...Leno or Letterman?

whomst?

45: Ever watch soap operas?

Not really

46: Are you afraid of heights?

Yeah but I’m tryna push myself to get over it

47: Do you sing in the car?

yes

48: Do you sing in the shower?

Honestly I’m not sure. Anytime I’m in the shower I’m 100% zoned out. Showers are a surreal dreamlike experience where I’m not even sure what happened but 20 minutes have already gone by.

49:Do you dance in the car?

already answered

50: Ever used a gun?

Nope nope nope nope

51: Last time you got a portrait taken by a photographer?

I got my senior portraits for the yearbook taken earlier this year. The photographer took 3 pics but it wasn’t until the third one that she told me to actually smile and I’m glad I did because the other two looked UGLY AF but the third one looks decent 

52: Do you think musicals are cheesy?

I can see why people think that but I love musicals so much

53: Is Christmas stressful?

A little bit but its the good kind of stress I love it

54: Ever eat a pierogi?

I don’t even know what that is

55: Favorite type of fruit pie?

I know that its not a fruit but the BEST kind of pie is sweet potatoe pie It tastes like heaven when its warm and sweet and with a scoop of ice cream on top. It’s sad that they only really sell it in the fall but the wait makes it even more worth it

56: Occupations you wanted to be when you were a kid?

Author, Astronaut, Movie Producer

57: Do you believe in ghosts?

I want to believe 

58: Ever have a Deja-vu feeling?

I have this feeling often. Actually I had one today in a bookstore where I swore I dreamt that exact experience

59:Take a vitamin daily?

I am always taking some new vitamin rn im taking biotin 

60: Wear slippers?

Yes whenever I’m home the shoes are off and the slippers are on

61: Wear a bath robe?

Not anymore

62: What do you wear to bed?

I actually have so many pajamas like past the normal amount of pajamas one should have. But I just wear whatever’s convenient and it depends on the weather of course

63: First concert?

lol those orchestra concerts ms chang used to make us go to @boqorad

64: Wal-Mart, Target or Kmart?

Target 

65: Nike or Adidas?

I have more Adidas than I do Nike but I still wanna say Nike

66: Cheetos Or Fritos?

Cheetos. Fritos are disgusting like no offence but grow some tastebuds

67: Peanuts or Sunflower seeds?

Sunflower seeds but I don’t mind peanuts

68:Ever hear of the group Tres Bien?

No

69: Ever take dance lessons?

No

70: Is there a profession you picture your future spouse doing?

I’ve never even thought of that like even though earlier I said I would want to get married the thought of having a spouse is so beyond me rn

71: Can you curl your tongue?

No

72: Ever won a spelling bee?

Nope

73: Have you ever cried because you were so happy?

No 

74: Own any record albums?

No

75: Own a record player?

No

76:Regularly burn incense?

Nope

77: Ever been in love?

Not yet

78: Who would you like to see in concert?

Beyonce, Janelle Monae, tbh I almost saw KING in concert but it was 18+ only and it was 2 months before I turned 18 and I’m still pissed about that

79: What was the last concert you saw?

Idk if the gsa coffee houses count as concerts 

80: Hot tea or cold tea?

Usually hot but it depends on the day 

81: Tea or coffee?

Tea

82: Sugar or snickerdoodles?

Sugar because I still have no idea what a snickerdoodle is

83: Can you swim well?

No. I can barely swim

84: Can you hold your breath without holding your nose?

Yes

85: Are you patient?

Yes

86: DJ or band, at a wedding?

DJ 

87: Ever won a contest?

yes

88: Ever have plastic surgery?

I never have

89:Which are better black or green olives?

Raw olives are nasty but the black ones look better on a pizza

90: Can you knit or crochet?

I used to crochet but I’ve forgotten everything by now. Also I tried learning to knit but I gave up after like a week because I’m a quitter

91:Best room for a fireplace?

Living room or a bedroom

92: Do you want to get married?

already answered

93: If married, how long have you been married?

not married

94: Who was your HS crush?

@probablelesbian ;)

95: Do you cry and throw a fit until you get your own way?

No...

96: Do you have kids?

No

97: Do you want kids?

idk yet

98: Whats your favorite color?

Indigo

99: Do you miss anyone right now?

yeah 

[newssplashy]

Women withstand a lot during pregnancy and especially childbirth. It's time to allow women make their choice on the number of children they want.

Women are warriors and it is sad how some men forget or neglect or are ignorant to acknowledge that. Women are warriors, babies come out of their vaginas after carrying them for 9 months.

I have not remained the same since the first time I watched childbirth through labour, induced labour and cesarean section on National Geographic about 10 years ago.

In truth, asides the fact that I appreciate and love seeing pregnant women, I try to aid them in whatever they do.

Seeing a pregnant woman go through the mood swings, weight gain and inability to change positions while sleeping across the night is enough to appreciate them.

My mother had my sisters and I through cesarean section. After she had my younger sister, she had to go back in for another emergency surgery, 6 weeks postpartum due to infection around her pelvis.

Till date, she has a mummy pouch that makes her look ever so good in native attires — Iro and buba.

Postpartum Issues

While I didn’t really decipher it until I was 19, listening to Gwyneth Paltrow talk about postpartum depression on E! Entertainment, I once saw my aunt struggle with the effects of having her first child in 2007

Her confidence was gone and it took her 3 years to regain that confidence. She vowed to never have another kid after that.

 In 2007, Beyonce appeared on Ellen DeGeneres show shortly after her wedding to Shawn ‘Jay-Z’ Carter.

During the discussion, Ellen asked her if a child was in her future, she answered, “I was in the room when my nephew was born and it traumatized me.”

She continues, “I told my sister ‘Please, don’t let me in the room’ and she said, ‘you’re my sister, don’t be silly’. I was right, I’m traumatized”.

10 years later, Beyonce has 3 children. Asides being a celebrity mom, she has her struggles. In her much celebrated, Vogue issue, she chronicles how she struggled after the birth of her twins in 2017 as she prepared for Coachella.

She claimed she pushed herself so hard to regain her body in 3 months, but she somehow settled for enjoying the effects of motherhood on her body.

 During her catharsis, she claims her arms, boobs, thighs and calves are slightly bigger, and she even has a ‘mum pouch’ that she’s not in a hurry to get rid of. While she has seen the took the strengths in her journey, most people are not as strong or lucky.

   While she admits she might go back to work for a lean body and six pack, her point was made.

Motherhood, pregnancy and childbirth are processes some women never fully recover from physically and emotionally.

A Beyonce might be inspired enough to engage in exercise to pull through, but most mothers don’t get past that phase.

My mother was like a size 2 before childbirth. Since she had my older sister, she’s become curvy. My Dad loved it about her — before he died, but a lot of women do not have that luxury as they wallow in their depression while living with insensitive, emotionally and verbally abusive partners.

Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder

 The rigours, stress and sometimes, trauma of childbirth induces post-traumatic stress disorder [PTSD] in some women. Some of them get depressed and distant while a fair bit don’t want children after the experience.

It is why you should never judge a woman who is content with her one child. We are built differently, but no matter how strong you are, childbirth is an arduous process that usually leaves great emotional and physical scars.

In a survey conducted on post-traumatic stress disorder after Childbirth in Nigerian women by Adewuya A.O, Ologun Y.A and Ibigbami O.S for the US National Library of Medicine and the National Institute of Health, the following were found out;

The prevalence of PTSD was 5.9%. The factors independently associated with PTSD after childbirth include hospital admission due to complications, instrumental delivery cesarean section, manual removal of placenta and poor maternal experience during childbirth.

They concluded that, “the prevalence of PTSD is slightly higher in Nigerian women than those in the western culture.”

Historical Perception

Women were born disadvantaged. In a society heavily influenced by masculinity, mostly toxic, but usually subtly entitled, women are placed on a lesser rung of existence.

Their usefulness is limited to child rearing and house chores. It is why any woman who refuses to do same or isn’t good at same is derogated and viewed as ‘useless’. This perception is not only wrong, but very insensitive.

 It is simply time to cut it out. Child rearing should be a thing of choice and readiness. Whatever she’s content with, a sensitive and good partner should listen and understand.

 Maybe it is time to start letting Nigerian men into the operating and labour rooms to see what women go through to understand why some get PTSD and love their children more than anything. It is also why they get really emotional when those kids get a big head and get disrespectful over the slightest issues. Some of us children are insensitive.

 It is not about treating women as fragile or weaker people, no. It is about sensitivity to the plight of a probable traumatic process. What they need is support. Childbirth might be perceived as a happy process, but it is not funny for women.

 It is just time for women to start talking about the rigours of childbirth that some of our mothers were forced to stomach because of societal expectations. Some of them would have been happy not having more than one child.

Don’t get me wrong, some women enjoy child rearing and live for it. They love being pregnant and the entire process of childbirth, but we are built differently. The ones who talk about tie trauma and rigours are not weaker. They are regular women who are different. We should listen to them.

Even more seriously, the women who enjoy childbirth will tell you it is not all fun and games.

Modern Women and Social Media Chatter

  On Tuesday, August 7, 2016, feminist, Ozzy Etomi hit the bullseye again with her discussion of the rigours and trauma of childbirth.

  While opinions were divided, even amongst women and some insensitive men pelted stones their way, we can downplay these points no more.

 The scariest part was when she discussed memory issues since childbirth. That might be some pseudo-fugue state caused by PTSD. Although rare, trauma can induce fugue state, causing the mind to block out that traumatic memory. Sometimes, other memories, happy or sad go with the blocked out memories. Maybe her mind is trying to deal with the trauma of childbirth and it’s proving too heavy.

For perspective, from the social media activity, although infinite, we can group women, postpartum into the following;

1. Women who get illnesses and conditions from childbirth;

2. Women who go through physical changes. Changes some have to live with forever;

3. Women who have disabilities from childbirth;

4. Women who die by losing some parts of themselves during childbirth;

5. Women who actually die when the trauma becomes excessive for their bodies.

On another note, it shows the point is hitting home when young, unmarried women have also had their fears about childbirth intensified since the discussion. It is sad, but the reality, nonetheless.

But then, the issue is not about men. Make your choice, find yourself a partner that understands you and live a lit life. Childbirth is not an avenue to diss men again. It’s an unnecessary backdrop.

 Whatever it is, people like the human in the above tweet; male or female should be cancelled.

"Medical Condition" might be extreme

Nonetheless, calling childbirth a “medical condition” might be a tad extreme.

Olaiya, a 40 year old Lawyer of 13 years and mother of two via cesarean section says, “Well, there are two sides to a coin. Some people have complications while some have it easier. I had my 2 kids through caesarian section. While the pain was great initially and it was slightly arduous post-partum, I got over it. I did not want to have children again initially, but later I got over it and we had another one.”

On another note, Tolu, 28 who had a child via cesarean section and lost the child at 22, but has since not had another says “It was really traumatic. Considering all I went through, but immediately after the birth and I saw her [her child], I immediately forgot the trauma. You know, it was fascinating to see this little thing that came from inside me. One misses being pregnant. Even though I lost her, I will have another one without hesitation.”

In the end, while childbirth might be a arduous for some unwilling to repeat the process, others cherish it. We should however let women choose their own paths.

via NewsSplashy - Latest Nigerian News,Ghana News ,News,Entertainment,Hot Posts,sports In a Splash.

[news-mashable-yahoopartner-blog]

10 albums turning 10 years old in 2018

It is almost time for 2018, and that means it's been 10 years since some very iconic music was released.

Beyonce, Kanye West, and Coldplay were all making career shaping records back in 2008. While newcomers like MGMT, Adele, and Lady Gaga were also carving out lanes for themselves. Here's a look back at career defining work from your favorite artists.

SEE ALSO: Spotify's most streamed artists are all men. The music industry needs to do better.

1. Kanye West - 808 and Heartbreak

When Kanye won multiple Grammys for his sophomore album Late Registration, he gave a frantic speech. “Everybody wanted to know what I would do if didn’t win," said Kanye while holding up his trophies and looking directly into the camera.  "Well I guess we’ll never know.” That speech was a perfect display of Kanye's hubris and his sometimes critical self-awareness.

808’s and Heartbreak was a left turn that very few people expected to be good, and even fewer people expected to change the course of hip hop and pop music in the future. After the death of his mother, Donda West, Kanye shifted his sound with an acute precision. 

He ditched the sped-up soul samples and orchestral flourishes for Roland TR-808 drums and synth heavy ballads. Kanye West transformed in front of his audience without reservation. Now I wonder what would Kanye’s legacy be without 808’s and Heartbreak, “I guess we’ll never know.” 

2. Lil Wayne - Tha Carter III

I remember hearing Lil Wayne’s “A Milli” for the first time. I was on a plane flying to London and I had the album on repeat. In fact it was the only album I remembered to pack in my carry on so I was stuck with the witty New Orleans rapper that had taken over hip hop with his Dedication and Drought mixtape series. It was hard not to be shocked by Lil Wayne’s verbal dexterity. He had the ability to twist words together like an anaconda until it seemed like you couldn’t possibly squeeze another word out of a line. 

Every kid at my school would try to rap along to the words in his songs like we were competing for an Olympic medal. It was the triathlon of raps trying to land every rhyme with same ferocity as Wayne. The Carter III was the culmination of all of Wayne’s effort put into a single cohesive album. Their were some lackluster songs that wouldn’t be played on current rap radio but I’ll be damned if “Let the Beat Build” doesn’t live on.

3. Vampire Weekend - Vampire Weekend

Ezra Koenig and the rest of Vampire Weekend was fresh out of Columbia University, sporting Oxford cloth button downs, penny loafers, and hand-stitched cardigans all while recording an album full of cryptic lyrics about the bourgeois, bound together by afro-pop sounds. 

Vampire Weekend made clever lyrics about oxford commas and Lil Jon charming for the masses. Ezra Koenig the bands lead singer mixed his playful nights on Cape Cod with the breezy sounds of ska. In the beginning the band was an easy target to hate for their preppy leanings but they continued to grow on future albums and looking back 10 years its fun to relish in their playful first album.

4. Bon Iver- For Emma, Forever Ago

Looking back at Bon Iver’s 2008 album, For Emma, Forever Ago and comparing it to his latest effort, 22 A Million you can hear the artist's progression. Slow acoustic guitars, emotional rawness and soft vocals were left behind for electronics blips and reverb drenched falsettos. Despite the change in instrumentation Justin Vernon’s sound has never been more realized than on For Emma, Forever Ago a lover letter to a series of lost lovers. The album feels like a exploration into a snow filled forest accompanied by a smooth ambiance that only Bon Iver could have produced.

5. Adele - 19 

Adele stole everyone’s heart with the soulful ballad, “Hello” which launched her already meteoric career into another galaxy. Before she became the patron saint of soulful British crooning she released the album, 19, 10 years prior.  

The album was produced with the help of Mark Ronson, the same person that helped Amy Winehouse craft her sophomore album, Back to Black. Her first two singles, "Hometown Glory" and "Chasing Pavements" signaled that the young soul singer was ready for greatness. 

6. Kid Cudi - A Kid Named Cudi

Kid Cudi used to be tucked away on my iPod Shuffle gathering dust right below a series of '90s hip hop freestyles and Kanye West albums. While many would consider this a mixtape, the self-described lonely stoner created a lane all for himself and the album stands out as memorable in the age of internet rap. Cudi's blend of eclectic samples ranging from Outkast to Ratatat helped create a template for his future albums. His dark persona and style of singing and rapping helped inspire a new generation of rappers like Travis Scott. His early mixtape was one of his strangest and most inspirational.

7. MGMT - Oracular Spectacular

Ben Goldwasser and Andrew VanWyngarden came together to form the band MGMT back in 2001.  One of their hit songs, "Time to Pretend" sounded like it was soaked in honey and had electronic psychedelia vibes. It told the tale of a young person yearning for the rockstar lifestyle while also realizing the dream was completely absurd. Their first album, Oracular Spectacular, became an instant hit and went on to sell over 1 million records. On the album the band had fully committed to the idea of youthful longing and unexpected success. 

During an interview on the podcast Song Exploder the band explained, "We didn't really know what we were doing at all." Over time the bands sounds has morphed into something entirely different veering away from pop electronic melodies towards a sound much harder for people to digest. The band more simply stopped chasing their early pop success.

8. Beyonce - I Am... Sasha Fierce

Beyoncé held nothing back on 2016's Lemonade all of her tears were accompanied by a wooden bat called hot sauce. But back in 2008, Beyonce released I Am... Sasha Fierce with numerous hits like "Single Ladies (Put a Ring on It)" and "Halo". They still had that intensity but in recent years she has magnified that focus to reveal a more vulnerable superstar that the music world needs.  

9. Lady Gaga - The Fame

Lady Gaga had a moment in the late 2000s as pop music's offbeat new leader. Her image was daring and avant-garde in a space that had come to embrace normalcy. She injected pop with a sort of rush that had not been experienced in years. Pop music was still riding high, but Lady Gaga ushered in a new wave with singles like, "Poker Face" and "Just Dance". Ten years later, Lady Gaga's sound has shifted but her experimental image was exactly what pop needed in 2008. 

10. Coldplay - Viva la Vida or Death and All His Friends

Before Coldplay became everyones favorite band to make fun of, they came out with Viva La Vida a mid career rework that was supposed to add some intensity to their back catalog of records. The record went on to win a Grammy award for Best Rock album and it appeared on numerous year end lists. Despite Coldplay's current status as a boring band you listen to with shame, the decade prior had the band at the height of their creative output.

WATCH: This is what 'woke' and 'lit' actually mean

[litl-theinterview]

Emem Offong

1. What is your favorite thing right now?

Korean street food and Carly Rae Jepsen! I spent the last couple of weeks visiting Seoul with family and had a phenomenal time sampling the delicious street food. Fish cakes! Eels on sticks! Steamed dumplings! Spicy octopus! Roasted chestnuts! All the meats! But my favorite of all the dishes was the roasted sweet potatoes. I know! I know!  It sounds basic but TRUST ME. I have never tasted roasted sweet potatoes that yummy before. I had one almost every night. So, so good. As for Carly Rae Jepson, what can I say, the critics were right. When CRJ’s last album “Emotion” was released in 2015, the reviews were euphoric. I was skeptical. Fast forward a few years and I hear about it again from a close friend so I gave it whirl. WOW. The whole album truly is pure pop perfection. I’ve listened to it on repeat for the last 3 weeks and am no closer to being sick of it than I was the first time I heard it. Every song makes me want to dance wildly and kiss someone I like.

2. If money (and access) was no object, what would you buy today?

I would buy a house in Ditmas park with a porch and a backyard, and a place deep in the woods upstate New York. I’d go on a tasting tour of the best restaurants in every city in the world. I’d set up a B Corp and use its profits to post bail for anyone unable to afford it. John Oliver’s piece from a couple years ago really stuck with me and I dream of fucking up that whole system.

3. Have you ever gone on a pilgrimage?

I have not. But this question has definitely piqued my interest.

4. What is your Kryptonite?

Crispy Fries. I love potatoes in all forms—baked, mashed, boiled, you name it. But crispy fries have my heart. And as frugal as I try to be about most things,  I have a really, really hard time resisting beautiful shoes and expensive electronics.

5. What is your favorite time of day?

I have become a morning person in the last 3 or 4 years, so it’s currently a tie between my walk home from the gym and the moment right after my first sip of coffee. They both signal the start of another day and I absolutely love it.

6. Do you have a go-to "power" song?

Not particularly. I tend to fall in love with an album, listen to it obsessively and then move on to the next. In the last few months, that list has included MUNA (“About U”),  Paramore (“After Laughter”), SZA (“Ctrl”), Beyonce (“Lemonade”), Bruno Mars (“24K Magic”), Brett Eldredge (“Brett Eldredge”) and of course Carly Rae Jepsen (“Emotion”).  I do have certain artists I rely on to get through specific tasks. For instance, Ludacris and Lil Wayne when I need to focus on a tedious design project. And Mariah Carey, Janet Jackson, Kelly Clarkson, Backstreet Boys and Celine Dion when I need to kill at karaoke.  

7. What is your happy place?

My apartment is my favorite place on earth. I am so thrilled to have a space that’s all mine that at least once a year, I take a week off just so I can spend even more time in my tiny, beloved studio. Nothing makes me happier than a whole day spent puttering around that shoebox doing whatever the hell I want.

8. If you could be someone else for a day, who would you be?

This is a tough one. But I’m going with Rihanna. Because, to quote Kid Fury of The Read, “Rihanna is the baddest bitch.” She is the epitome of IDGAF realness in everything she does whether it be music, fashion, business or just living. Men AND women want to be her and be with her. It’s been gratifying to watch her come into her own. She operates in a rarefied space but unlike many artists at her level, she looks like she’s having so much fun doing it. I love it.

Other women I considered: Oprah, Valerie Jarrett, Susan Rice, Condoleeza Rice and Ellen Johnson Sirleaf.

9. What do you think you do best?

To my friends, I think I’m a good cheerleader, emotional support system and sounding board. As for me, I am persistent—comes with a side of procrastination—and I handle myself with a lot of grace. I can sit still and be perfectly happy doing it; I’m terrific at keeping secrets and am pretty decent at keeping my composure in most situations. And, I make the BEST hush puppies.

10. What is something you do to cheer yourself up?

I’m a big believer in taking the time to feel the full extent of my feelings in order to get better. So if I’m having a bad day(s), I wallow for as long as I need to until I feel like myself again. Nothing like a hard, long cry; some journaling; a self-administered pep talk; a day spent doing whatever I want; and a heavy dose of super sad songs to lift the spirits!  

11. What is the best advice you've ever been given?

Nothing specific comes to mind but I do love a good motivational quote and have found them to be effective reminders of how I want to live my life. Right now, for the moments I beat myself up for not working harder or doing more with every free minute I have, I’ve been drawn to quotes that remind me that “Rome wasn’t built in a day”.  That everything worth doing takes time. Sam Lamott’s June 5th, 2017 post on Hello Humans ended with a sentence I love—”Being unstoppable has nothing to do with speed”. He was speaking more to people battling depression and suicidal thoughts but I’ve repeated that line to myself every time I get down about not achieving some goal within a certain timeline. Just gotta keep chipping away at it.

12. Who would you like to see interviewed here?

The women in my life are just killing it. Small sampling; My friend Anna Varghese, director of the TED Prize.  Megan Haseltine, director at NYU Langone Medical Center, working to increase women of color’s access to breast cancer screenings. Courtney Mitchell, development director at Travis Manion Foundation, a nonprofit that empowers and supports veterans and their families. Janet Kim, a woman so multi-talented, she has fashion designer, painter, recording artist, and UX designer on her resume. Kellan Anderson, executive producer and partner at Harbor Picture Company, a powerhouse film and production company based in NYC. Emily Fleisher, the development director at Manhattan Theater Club, who turned me into the Broadway fan I am today....

Emem Offong is an entertainment and pop-culture aficionado who spends her days helping readers navigate mentalfloss.com successfully. She loves Brooklyn, Belgian beers, extra crispy fries and Dough doughnuts. 

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[subjectsilver]

my psyche and wormy be ruthless sometimes.

originally i told myself that i was only going to use tumblr every sunday to log what has happened throughout the week or anything noticeable or note worthy but i literally need to type this right now because I'm losing my goddamn mind and on the verge of a panic attack...i can feel my chest tightening and my heart has such a “funny” feeling that isn't so funny so idk why they call it that... its like a light feeling like when u get light headed - i feel light hearted rn

the absolute worst part about my depression is that it literally just comes and goes whenever it wants. obviously theres things that help trigger it, a song a picture of my ex friends snapchats, any object that i can play connect the dots with back to a single thought that can disrupt my entire mental.

and it hit me tonight and it hit me hard and tonight I'm trying not to run away from it. I'm not going to go smoke cigarettes and listen to music until 5 am I'm trying to just type what is going on instead of like holding it into my head. or type something at least. the thing about it is that whenever it hits me, i always find a way to make it so much worse.... like i see just the right combination of words or objects to sink me or look at pictures of emma and even though i know its hurting me i continue to do it anyway....maybe its because in that moment I'm actually feeling something, she is making me feel something just like she use to in the past. i really valued that until i became too grey and numb and hopeless.

i feel like throwing up

i used “ex” up there and  makes me feel really uneasy i haven't used it very much at all mainly because i have to explain myself to anyone here and I've only told a few people what is going on with me. That was good thought because i have a friend named hank who went through some shit too so he kind of connects with me but still not a person i would talk to about shit...i don't really have anyone for that so i don't really know... sometimes i type it all and erase it, sometimes i make songs, sometimes i say it out laid sometimes i just cry.

i started taking prozac 3 days ago this will be the fourth, so hopefully that'll help  me. Im still underweight as fuck but oddly I'm comfortable with it bc i like the way my shirts feel and clothes fit, unfortunately i need to gain like 20 pounds if i want to exist on this soccer team which is kinda mad. I was going to suggest leaving wake because i don't really even care to play soccer rn. and i realized a while back that all i needed was in ohio... like i had the best friends the girl of my dreams and i could've had a 1st year internship paying between 40-70k at some health company under my step dad... its kinda shitty because its something i wanted to tell everyone and i would always think about how disappointed my dad would be and how supportive my mom would be but something told me not do make moves with any of it. its like the universe knew i was going to go through some shit. like it knew i was gonna get low and the perfect image of life i had in my head up. like bitch u thought you'd plant roots,,,nahhhhhhtttt  

i keep listening to this song on repeat

https://soundcloud.com/yvpoipoi/maxence-cyrin-where-is-my-mind

but the real is back the ville is back

i fucking hated listening to cole until like 2 weeks ago. it was so annoying listening to cole bc of hani playing it literally all the time. when things like that get annoying they because white noise to me. but recently i went through his 3 most recent projects and actually listened heavily to the words and that shit is crazy.

i also have been paying a lot of attention to jay z and beyonce. i guess jay z had an affair or some shit and ten he and “once” went back and forth on songs about it... but i read this quote by him where he was like “our relationship was built on top of lies, and i had to tear it down and build it back up again and it was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do.” thats the kind of shit that gives me hope in the world of relationships. I've accepted that its probably false hope but ill hold onto anything the keeps me going at this point...

my suicidal thoughts haven't been present the last few days but i never know if and when those will come back. to be truthful I've been stacking up on things in my camera roll that give me up for when I'm feeling low.

the light hearted feeling has subsided, i just realized it. i kinda of ignore all grammatical practices when i write freely. i just go with my own language because i feel like its more personal ya know. someone i know annotates her own letters that she use to write me and i always loved that shit because i have so many side thoughts when i write as well.

luke christophers album finally came out and what do you know 5 of the songs had already been released and some like a year ago so its barely anything knew but it still has new music and bangers so i do appreciate the legend himself. after seeing his hair blonde on the cover idk if I'm going to keep growing my hair black or re-dye it. maybe ill keep it blonde until i feel like I'm above 80% better or something  right now i feel about -7% (if i could annotate that line id tell you that i originally wrote -7 person instead of percent then i autocorrected person then backspaced it to a symbol) 

the last few days I've felt really weak though and I've been sleeping a lot like two days ago i got like 11 hours and yesterday i got like 10 and I've been taking naps during the day. but I've constantly felt like I've had low blood sugar or that I've been dehydrated or something. i can't even make a fist and squeeze that hard.

its crazy because when i type anything about myself ever i just start tearing up for no reason...happy thoughts sad thoughts dark thoughts i could be writing about my microwave and be tearing up. and i do it a lot with emma or my best friends or my ex and ex best friends idk what anyone is to me anymore. been too focussed on trying to survive, which i feel is the correct selfish thing to do for once.

“don't give a fuck and they love you do give a fuck and they hate you - I'm always gone be there for you”

this man luke in onto something

its crazy that i will leave my phone in my room from 7:30 am to 7-8 at night and the only notification that ill get is “your phone hasn't been backed up in 57 weeks” or some shit like that. occasionally ill receive a random text from someone but its funny because sometimes on the inside ill be screaming like “PLEASE SOMEONE TALK TO ME” and then it happens and its like nah.. i thought i sent out an amber alert but really I'm sending out a batman bat symbol. i thought i needed anyone to talk to, but in reality i just need one singular person to talk to. that was my mistake, will always be my mistake but at least i recognize it now...just a little late there big guy.

having so much time to myself probably too much time to myself is really interesting...if you've ever thought that you've done real reflection, submerge yourself in complete loneliness and isolation and try again because its so much deeper. you think about everything. every individual relationship, every right every wrong multiple perspectives. you think about all of your problems and the root to your problems.  all of your mistakes why u caused these mistakes or what caused these mistakes. its actually really shitty because the bad will always stick out more than the good because the good is what is suppose to happen and the bad is the variable...variables get more attention than the constants i feel. deep down i don't think I'm a shitty human being.. even though i might think that a lot or hate myself...ik I'm only human and i can't be perfect and as much as id love for everyone to love me and me to not hurt anyone its more than likely unrealistic and it'll happen to me and already has happened to me and now i understand that and i will be more forgiving as i go on in life, the same forgiveness id want people to give me.

i use to think that everything had to work in reciprocality like for some reason i always thought everything should be equal all of the time..but i was extremely wrong, some people need more some people need less some people expect things and if they mean anything to you, the extra effort should hinder you or disrupt you...every human has a different way of looking at relationships and when those ways collide and don't add up it creates problem. I'm not saying people should give up in what they believe in but people should be less harsh about it... i know people who should be less harsh on me and i know people that i will be less harsh on and who i would be less harsh on if i could go back in time.

i tried to think about why I'm so afraid of butterflies and i can't really think of what happened along the way that got me here but i think the very root is the movie “butterfly effect” I'm also pretty sure they are remaking that movie into a 2018 version and ill probably go scare the fuck out of myself while seeing it.

my anxiety was gone until thinking about butterflies 

i tried to explain a fear of butterflies to this kid named mike and i sounded like an absolute idiot and then his response was “does this scare you” and it was the close up of a butterfly from this spongebob episode and i can't get it out of my head.... i think the video is called “wormy close up”

 fuck wormy

usually id think something so symmetrical was beautiful seeing has my old tendencies make me love symmetrically and i do things in that way like when i touch my feet to surfaces and shit bc i feel all neat and organized but i don't like that every butterfly ever is symmetrical as fuck...like show why what the hell. and i want to watch a video on it but i don't want to go into shock or some shit.

and they have wings that flap which is what i hate about bugs in general.

to be fair though i do like butterflies that have bright blue or white wings cus i use to see those a lot as a kid when my backyard was a golf course. but my vision of a butterfly with like brown wings and black borders gahhhh fuck that....id weather let a centipede crawl on me from head to toe than a butterfly land on me to put in in perspective. 

idk man i think this post has done for me what i thought it would do what i intended it to do...i have to be up in like 3 and a half wish hours then run for an hour then ill take a solid nap for like 5 hours or just sleep pt.2 but i must be going... until next time or sunday.

i love you

fuck wormy

goodnight

[theworstbob]

yellin’ at songs: 1997, part two

the songs which debuted on the billboard hot 100 between 3.15.1997 and 5.10.1997. 2/3 of the way there! i’ma try to get weeks 19-27 done by monday so we can cover weeks 28 and 29 of all three of 97/07/17 on wednesday, then resume posting as usual from there. i’m excited!

3.15.1997

9) "For You I Will," by Monica

this was ok, i guess. it's a stirring pitch to the boy, but i can also understand why the boy would still give brandy consideration after hearing this. the boy probably thinks monica doth insist too much. like, she promises to be the sun. she can't do that! monica's a star, but not a REAL star, just a famous person! the boy has reason to be dubious of monica's claims. no reason to be dubious of the key change, tho. hey remember key changes? remember when we used to like songs that were dynamic and didn't just bleep and bloop for three minutes? good times.

22) "Step by Step," by Whitney Houston

The YouTube recommendation bar just pulled up a bunch of Whitney Houston songs, and I'm not gonna lie, I'd much rather dip into that than find out what Zhane is. This is probably a second-tier Whitney song, insofar as I have any grasp of the ins-and-outs of the Whitney catalogue, but second-tier Whitney is still amazing. Like, you know how "Lose My Breath" is definitely one of the five-best songs from the expanded Beyonce universe, even though no one ever thinks about it? This is Whitney's "Lose My Breath" for me. I just wanna put this and "Return of the Mack" on repeat for a thousand years and die happy.

35) "Head Over Heels," by Allure ft./Nas

It's weird to hear Nas on a pop song. Like, Nas operated in the same space where someone like Vince Staples or Killer Mike currently operates, I always thought; clearly elite, but elite in a way not friendly with the mainstream. Illmatic didn't sound like something that'd get a dude on a pop song. Not that I'm angry Nas got that paper, it's just weird, like it'd be weird if Killer Mike suddenly collaborated with Calvin Harris. Also, girl group hype. This is a song that was playing while I was thinking about other things and I think I would've enjoyed it if I wasn't ignoring it, but at the same time, I don't believe in second impressions.

51) "Request Line," by Zhane

...Zhane, that was unfair, that thing I said about you two paragraphs ago. I am so glad to have found out about you. This song only has a peak of 39. I am comfortable declaring this the forgotten classic of 1997 so far. It references calling people over a phone line, which is so delightfuly antiquated, it references a 555 number which is a classic, and it implies that at one point you had to call a radio station to request a song rather than being able to access every song all at once on demand. All wonderful 1997 things, backed with a solid groove. This song is dope. I'm going to call into my local radio station RIGHT NOW and request that they play this!

76) "Too Late, Too Soon," by Jon Secada

imagine turning the radio on in 1997 and hearing this and keeping this song on because trying to tune the dial to a new station just to avoid this song wouldn't be worth the effort. i thought i wouldn't get michael bolton? i thought his whole thing was just an early-'90s thing, something akward between the grunge and the rap? i feel cheated, honestly. i shouldn't have had to listen to clay aiken in 1997.

79) "I Belong to You (Every Time I See Your Face)," by Rome

This dude's ad-libs are basically Young Thug mouthnoises. I'm into it. It's generic, but dude goes hard trying to sell this song, and I respect that hustle.

81) "Hip-Hopera," by Bounty Killa ft./The Fugees

LAURYN HILL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I don't even care that the rest of this song is just Bounty Killa saying things with a heavy accent that never actually justifies being called "Hip-Hopera" aside from some falsetto in the hook. Like, you wanna be a hip-hopera? Bring the drama. Can't just have the fat lady sing, you need to emote like your life depended on it, PROJECT, make something more over the top than this, but legit Lauryn Hill on the mic for even half a minute is a good thing, and this song at least had the good sense to put her at the top of this song so that, if you want to hear her verse again, you don't have to sift through a bunch of nothing.

91) "Weekend Thang," by Alfonzo Hunter

This is the second R&B slow jam about infidelity this week, and while it's superior, I wonder if people got as tired of dudes singing R&B in 1997 as I am of bro country in 2017? Like, the thing R&B dudes have over country dudes is, I can easily distinct Alfonzo Hunter from Rome. Rome was making all sorts of noises in his song, and Alfonzo Hunter is smoother, more confident. I can't tell you any meaningful difference between Chase Pickens and Ricky Graves, and you probably didn't realize those were fake names, because country dudes are interchangable. Listen, 1997 has been wonderfully bereft of country dudes, but the only thing I know how to do is complain about country dudes, SO I HAD TO SHOEHORN THIS IN SOMEWHERE, point is, R&B slow jamz all at least have some variety, and I'm not tired of them yet.

3.22.1997

22) "Ghetto Love," by Da Brat ft./T-Boz

"You laid pipe unlike any other plumber/Took me shoppin' all day and at night you kept me cummin'/Made dinner, collard greens, candied yams, and steak/Taught me how to measure grams, cook rocks, and chop weights" This song is incredible. Like, I grew up in a family adjacent to white trash; if anyone in the family smokes meth, it might not be surprising?, but it would definitely be news to me. So I don't know what it's like to settle in for a nice steak dinner, then sit down with my lover and learn how to manufacture and distribute crack cocaine. My girl and I would just play Mario Kart. This is a love unlike anything I could ever know, and I am glad to have heard tell of it. Also, "you laid pipe unlike any other plumber." That is a lyric!

34) "I Shot the Sheriff," by Warren G

...I want to applaud the social commentary? But at the same time, no, don't touch this song. This song was already very good, it didn't need you trying to muck it all up with your signature, just let it be. You can allude to this song in a better song about fighting back against the police, but don't just like do the song, it's not pleasant to listen to this song when it's not this song.

71) "Silent All These Years," by Tori Amos

One of the auto-complete results when I searched "silent all" was "silent all these years karaoke" and I want to meet the absolute fucking maniac who would ruin a karaoke night with this song and give them a stern lecture about the utility of fun. This is not a karaoke song. Even if this WERE a karaoke song, there's no way you have the verses memorized. There's too many words. You are going to stumble all over the verses and it’s going to suck for everyone in the bar to hear. You’re going to ruin five minutes of everyone’s lives, be responsible with your fucking choices. Like karaoke is not about communicating the deep inner pain with which Tori Amos helped you get in touch, what kind of horrible narcissist is singing Tori Amos songs at karaoke. I DID NOT FORCE MYSELF TO LOG OFF TUMBLR, PUT ON PANTS, AND TAKE A BUS TO THE BAR JUST TO HEAR TUMBLR: THE MUSICAL. ...Tori Amos is a quality songwriter and this song is incredibly sad and I am scared of feeling things which is why those other sentences exist.

84) "If Tomorrow Never Comes," by Joose

I found this R&B slow jam lacking because it tried to have A Moment, took some time to try to be a sweeping, epic slow jam, and while I applaud the ambition, it kinda just sounded like a worse version of the pop version of "A Whole New World."

97) "Under the Water," by Merril Bainbridge

this song is just heckin' beautiful. look at that, i'm even usin' "heck" instead of bad words because i don't want to profane this space right now. it's so soft and gentle and i don't want to do anything to ruin this moment i'm having. this i -- OH. OH, HELLO,  MAN. alright well fuck all this then where the fuck did this dude come from? this was a pleasant, lovely song, and then goddamn the dude from crash test dummies or w/e shows up and goes "UNDER THE WATER" and it's so jarring. i can't even enjoy this harmonica solo, i feel so betrayed! ...okay, i'm enjoying the harmonica a little bit. the harmonica was as nice a surprise as the dude was a rude one.

3.29.1997

7) "All by Myself," by Celine Dion

These charts are based off single sales and radio plays. It's so weird to consider that people would go out of their way to listen to a Celine Dion ballad in a pre-"My Heart Will Go On" world. Like, "Let it Go" was a top 20(?) hit if I recall correctly, but that was the signature song of a movie loved by teens. What is this. This is just a diva singing dramatically over a piano. People went to stores and either specifically bought this single or said, "Oh! My favorite recording artist, Salon Dijon! I need this like I need these other staples of every day life I have come to Target to purchase!" 1997 has had two Broadway-ish songs on the chart, 2007 had one Broadway-ish song, and 2017 has had zero, if anyone needed quantifiable proof the world was getting worse. (Shout out to Pete Holmes.)

13) "Everyday Is a Winding Road," by Sheryl Crow

Because my first exposure to Sheryl Crow was "Soak Up the Sun," an over-the-top cheery song about beaches that triggers an allergic reaction in my horrible soul, I never really fucked with Sheryl Crow. This is a jam, though. There's more of an edge here than there is in her later stuff. The key is "I get a little bit closer to feeling fine." This isn't a song about someone who is happy and taking life as it comes, this is about someone who's going through shit and hopes to be happy one day. It's like a prototype of "Hard Times," '90s alt-rock chick instead of '80s throwback. This is dope.

33) "One More Time," by Real McCoy

House music! It's been a while. Oh, good, you're rapping. I was hoping to hear someone rap in their second language. God damn you. YouTube Comments Under Shitty Dance Music, Vol. II "I might have one of the largest collections of Real McCoy CD's in the world. :-)" Real McCoy released four albums. Congratulations on having bought four items. That's not a collection, unless Real McCoy has been making other horrible music over the last 20 years.

42) "Your Woman," by White Town

/someone in 1997 hears this song /they franticaly scramble to their kitchen and dial numbers on a corded phone /someone answers Twenty-One! Twenty-One, it's your cousin Marvin! Marvin Pilots! You know that incomprehensible fake-hip-hop sound you've been looking for? WELL, LISTEN TO THIS! /Marvin Pilots holds the phone as near to his bedroom as he can No but seriously this is a goddamned Twenty-One Pilots song, this is amazing, this must be what it felt like when anthropologists or whatever discovered that da Vinci invented airplanes. Like, look! This always existed! This song is more interesting than this dumb joke, but it's also important to point out the similarities. Also: this dude released an album called Don't Mention the War. I like this dude. He seems like good people.

52) "You Don't Have to Hurt No More," by Mint Condition

"This house is not a home." This song is the most unbelievable thing I've heard so far because it is set in a world where single people own houses.

56) "I Don't Want To," by Toni Braxton

Look, you probably already knew this about me, but I find it hard to believe any dramatic tension that gets built by dangling a preposition. Like, I know you're gonna finish that sentence, it would be rude to just leave that "to" hanging in the middle. Clickbait titles could be so simplistic in 1997, though, because we hadn't been inured to all the tricks. We may think we know better than this song title, but back in 1997, people were screaming at the album cover, "don't want to what? DON'T WANT TO WHAT?" People who didn't have access to the single held weekly meetings to share their fan theories about what Toni Braxton didn't want to, one of the earliest online fan forums was built by people wringing their hands over what Toni Braxton didn't want to. People need to work to rook us in 2017, but in 1997, all it took was a sentence left unfinished. (The official YAS verdict on this song is that it is boring and I was bored by it.)

65) "Sho Nuff," by Tela ft./Eightball & MJG

This strip club anthem has maybe the most evocative storytelling any strip club anthem has ever had. It's about a young man who comes back to his hometown after spending time wherever it was he spent time, and discovering girls he used to know became strippers. "I remember this ho, she used to do nails for Rochelle's" is such a delightful detail, the way he specifies not just what she used to do but where she did it being something straight out of a country song. Is it followed by "You heard me! Push these thirty dicks inside your clit?" Well, not immediately, but yes, those words do occupy the same space, but when it isn't exceedingly gross, there's a lot of homey charm in this song.

80) "For You," by Kenny Lattimore

The description for this song claims this is "the only song you should get married to." The first line of this song is "For you, I'd give a lifetime of stability." Oh, yeah, baby girl, if you're looking for a man who'll settle for an office job if this music thing doesn't work out, I'm that guy. When you're ready to accept Wednesday nights spent bickering over what to watch on Netflix while we wait for the Chinese food to get here, you have my number. I'm that man who can drive a Camry and won't talk about his fantasy football team... because he knows it bores you. I'm waiting for you to decide to want this. "For you, I'd make a promise of fidelity." It worries me you waited until your wedding day to make this promise, Ken. That should have just gone without saying! Why would you bring that up now?

92) "Bill," by Peggy Scott-Adams

OH MY FUCKING GOODNESS. I. I was expecting a lot from 1997. I don't think I could have ever expected this song to exist in the way it exists. It's a dynamo vocal performance of a deeply silly and probably slightly offensive song. I don't want to say too much because this is a song which could legitimately be spoiled, but like listen to it. You probably won't be disappointed.

94) "Insomnia," by Faithless

this song is at once the class of 1997's dark dance music, and it also features a vocal performance that's way too low-energy to be rap but is too high energy to be spoken word so i guess i have to call it rapping? but like if you're rapping, and i can reasonably state that Egoraptor is a better rapper than you, are you really rapping? anyway heck europe.

4.5.1997

67) "Precious Declaration," by Collective Soul

Sometimes in 2017, Imagine Dragons will break through the trap and release a song that charts, and I'll react to it with baffled indifference; I don't care, but at the same time, I don't get why people who ostensibly enjoy rock music would listen to Imagine Dragons. I get the same sense listening to this Collective Soul song. Like, it didn't ruin my day, but is this really the best you could do? If you like alternative rock, why on earth are you listening to Collective Soul? The Verve Pipe has other songs! They're not as good as "The Freshmen" but better than this!

81) "A Little Bit of Ecstacy," by Jocelyn Enriquez

"Tee hee! The casual observer will think I am singing about feeling happy, when I actually am singing about doing drugs and having sex! What a trickster I am!" Dance music is bad and everyone who listened to it has the wrong idea about everything. We're not even out of the third month. There is more to come, and I already blew the “this entire genre is garbage” shot. Oh, dear.

94) "One Night at a Time," by George Strait

Our first country dude of 1997! And it's not just some random country dude, it's The Possum, singing an OK song about how nice being in love is and how much effort maintaining a healthy relationship requires! Nothing special, but pleasant, especially since it's not surrounded by fifty other songs by dudes in the same hat with the same voice. This constitutes a break from the onslaught of R&B dudes, is not part of its own separate slog. I appreciate the commitment to diversity, 1997. (Diversity in genre if not in gender, I guess. Not as bad as 2017, I don't think, but, hey, we all could be doing better.)

95) "Step Into a World (Rapture's Delight)," by KRS-One

"I'm not saying I'm number one -- I'm sorry, I lied/I'm number one, two, three, four, and five" That's fucking incredible. Like, one'd be hard-pressed to disagree with KRS-One on that claim after hearing this song. KRS-One occupies the same space as The Roots did from part one, where I understood they were important but hadn't actually made the effort to check them out, and now I see I've been missing out. This dude's incredible. "I'm not run of the mill, 'cuz for the mill I don't run." This is like if Chance the Rapper was good.

98) "That's Right," by DJ Taz ft./Raheem the Dream

remember when the atl wasn't the epicenter of homogeneity and the city housed artists that sounded great without sounding like anything else. what happened. i mean, this song probably isn't the one we want to point to when complaining about the current state of atlanta, not when we got outkast comin' in a couple of songs, but like something this light and breezy and fun isn't the sort of thing atlanta traffics in anymore, and the world is worse for losing this spirt.

4.12.1997

17) "Where Have All the Cowboys Gone?" by Paula Cole

One of the best tweets of all time theorizes that "Where Have All the Cowboys Gone?" and "The Boys Are Back in Town" are two different perspectives on the same event, and this Paula Cole fan theory will be a part of me until the world burns down. It's a good song, but also it's absolutely ruined for me.

59) "Jazzy Belle," by OutKast

ATLiens is the best OutKast album and the first five tracks ("Two Dope Boys," "ATLiens," "Wheelz of Steel," "Elevators," "Jazzy Belle") might be the best five-track stretch in the whole of hip-hop history and even if I'm not into the remix they released to radio I'm so incredibly into the original that I'm fine with a Xerox. I'm fanboying, and you didn't come here for that, but gosh I do love this song.

75) "Come On," by Billy Lawrence ft./MC Lyte

This song was acceptable. You ever hit a point where you've been listening to songs for two hours and trying to think about them and then you come across two songs you already know your thoughts on so you go "Oh, cool, I can do other things while still listening to these songs so I can say I listened to them" and then you get to a song you're not familiar with but you're still in "doing other things while listening to music" mode? That's what happened. This is a feeling which I am sure is incredibly relatable, as all of us have series where we listen to every pop song ever and post our thoughts about them. I'm sure this song is better than I treated it, and I could just listen to it again but oh no what happened my fingers just typed the next song into the bar and now the music is gone from youtube forever it doesn't exist anymore i can't go back oh no oh nooooooooo

4.19.1997

24) "My Baby Daddy," by B-Rock & The Bizz

...I came into this refreshed. I watched some other videos -- this is the least embarrassing Punk Goes Pop compilation yet! -- took a shower, had some breakfast, I was ready to accept this song into my life. I mean, "My Baby's Mama" had a ridiculous title, but that was more or less acceptable, and I thought this was a response song. That's a lost art, the response song. I don't think we've had a true response song since Frankie's unforgettable classic "Fuck You Right Back," though I haven't listened to "Bodak Yellow" yet. This was... Certainly, an experience I won't forget, but not for lack of trying.

73) "Until I Find You Again," by Richard Marx

In a position where I can see the future, I see "Hypnotize" and "Bitch" dropping next week, and I can kind of understand that 1997 is in the calm before the storm. It's disappointing to endure, for sure, no one ever intends on listening to soft rock, but I'm ten minutes away from thinking about "Hypnotize." I appreciate 1997 for giving me this time to clear my mind and accept "Hypnotize" into my life.

87) "Sweet Sexy Thing," by Nu Flavor ft./Roger Troutman

It wasn't that long ago that we were letting dudes feature on boy band songs despite the fact they were calling themselves Roger Troutman. We can quibble about how good a rap name KYLE is, but at least it's not a pirate fish monster.

93) "Just the Way You Like It," by Tasha Holiday ft/Mase

This is Tasha Holiday's only song that charted on the Hot 100, and it appeared to have only spent one week on the chart, as it never got higher than 93. That has to be weird for an artist. You make a song that's popular enough that it can make the chart and people will upload it to YouTube 20 years later, but at the same time, your song wasn't popular at all and your song has significantly fewer views than "My Babby Dad," which is a song no one put effort into making. You had two celebrated songwriters on the track, and they made a song that someone who listened to an average amount of Top 40 radio might have heard once on "New Tunes Tuesday." Per Wikipedia, she was last seen doing feature spots on Soundcloud tracks, so it's at least good to hear she didn't stop believing.

97) "Don't Keep Wasting My Time," by Teddy Pendergrass

i am not going to argue against teddy pendergrass. i understand that, of all the '90s r&b slow jamz specialists, he's the one that got a shout out on "slow jamz," so i'm digging this song while assuming this is not his most iconic work. this is dope, and it's nice to hear a voice with rasp. '90s r&b isn't very husky, y'know? great voices without a lot of depth. this dude knows how to use his voice to most effectively communicate his pain, and it's dope as hell. this is the worst positive thing anyone's ever written about teddy pendergrass, like y'all know he's great and i'm late to the party.

4.26.1997

2) "Hypnotize," by The Notorious B.I.G.

i wonder if the people who made "rise" knew that they would be playing an integral role in one of the greatest songs of all time, if they knew that the song they were making wasn't the song they would be remembered for. that intro, those three guitar blasts (music term) and biggie going "oh," is this miracle, and i wonder if anyone who made "rise" knew their song was going to be used to bring a miracle into this world. "we got so close!" the bassist might have cried upon hearing biggie's tone over the track he laid down. "if we had replaced the trumpet with talking..."

30) "Staring at the Sun," by U2

Like, even if it weren't one of the last songs Biggie ever released, we'd still remember "Hypnotize" as fondly as we do, because it's just this incredible perfect thing. Biggie just has this phenomenal, laid-back flow. You're not blown away by any lyrical twist or vocal trick, Biggie just lumbers along in time, and it's just fun to hear someone rap like that, and this track is the perfect complement to his voice, this groovy thing he can really sink into and flow with. P. Diddy isn't the greatest musician, but he has a great ear for what other people can do. He and Biggie could have made more songs like this. That song, man.

57) "Bitch," by Meredith Brooks

It remains to be seen if the music of 1997 is better than the music of 2007 or 2017 -- even in a week with "Hypnotize" and "Bitch," 1997 is going to lose the weekly competition because "Umbrella" is as good as "Hypnotize" and "Thnks fr th Mmrs" is better than "Bitch" and 1997 won't have anything better than "The Story" -- but we can definitively state that "Blank Space" was better in 1997. I was struck by how similar this song was to "Blank Space," mostly because I forgot "Bitch" had verses. The thematic concepts in "Bitch" and "Blank Space" are similar, both songs stating "You should have known I was complicated, and now I am presenting these complications and you will not enjoy it," but while Tay Tay's is rooted in the personal mythos of Tay Tay, one needing to understand Tay Tay's relationship with her #brand to fully understand the song, Meredith Brooks' is accessible to all, more generalized and less personal, not needing to make some grand statement about who Meredith Brooks is as a person and what being in a relationship with her is like. There's less baggage to "Bitch," so to answer the question HOT ON EVERYONE'S MIND, "Bitch" is a better version of "Blank Space" than "Blank Space."

88) "Full of Smoke," by Christion

This song has the singular misfortune of being the R&B slow jamz to follow Teddy Pendergrass. It is the victim of higher expectations and will not benefit from the expectational adjustment being performed as a result of hearing a dude sing exclusively in falsetto. I'm sure, out of the context of this deeply silly project, this would be a much more fun song to hear, but like no thank you. Now that I know what else slow jamz can do, I need more than overdramatic sings and this dude squeaking.

89) "Stop the Gunfight," by Trapp ft./2pac & Notorious B.I.G.

Fun fact! If you listen to this song, you will have done significantly more to prevent gun violence in the United States than every Senator COMBINED! Congratulations on doing more than nothing! Thoughts and prayers for EVERYONE!

5.3.1997

16) "MMMBop," by Hanson

Hanson makes legitimately wonderful music. Even when they were children with hair like the kid from Room, they were making songs that were exceptionally well-crafted, even if they were about some nonsense. You can kind of tell, on this song, that Hanson was trying to make a point about aging and losing touch with people and friendship that they couldn't make because they were legitimately 14, not music 14 where they're 14 and singing songs written by 40-year-olds but actual immature 14. The song is honestly far better than it has any right to be, and every day I remember Hanson weathered the storm and became normal people who make insanely good pop music is a good day.

45) "Don't Wanna Be a Player," by Joe

...JOE?! Hold up. So many R&B slow jammers didn't make it all the way to 2007. Hell, significantly fewer artists made it from 1997 to 2007 than made it from 2007 to 2017, and one of them was this random dude named Joe, this dude with one of the five most generic names as a stage name who has no defining personality traits. This dude? This dude's who y'all took with ya? I'm not even going to pretend to try to get this. Like all he's swearing to a girl is that he won't cheat on her. He's not pledging eternal love, he's not swearing he will climb a mountain, he will not defend her against the armies of every nation, he's just saying, "I will finally stop fucking other people." That's a really shitty promise. Like, way to spend four minutes promising a girl the bare minimum.

85) "Feelin' It," by Jay-Z

hey. hey, guys. jay-z? this jay-z cat? he's pretty amazing at rapping. be sure to give him a follow and show him some love in the comments.

94) "6 Underground," by Sneaker Pimps

this song sounds like the episode of buffy where seth green goes through an entire season of plot in one episode and then leaves the show forever. what i am trying to say is, this song sounds like two werewolves feeling a deep desire for one another but one of the werewolves a sweet lesbian witch girlfriend he doesn't want to abandon but he can't stop himself from abandoning her when he's in werewolf form so he runs to the mountains. that's what this song reminds me of, is that feeling when that. i'm that. i don't know what i came into this paragraph to do but i know i have the "wild at heart" wikipedia page open and Marti Noxon says of the episode "The whole issue of sexuality between men and women is kind of fraught because of the beast" and boy that is just a quote right there, innit. this song's over! huzzah. electronic music is still mostly bad, turns out.

96) "Can U Feel It," by 3rd Party

YouTube Comments Under Shitty Dance Music, Vol. III "ive been listening to this since i was a kid and since release lol. i had this on a cassette tape when there was no CD's" Buddy, what the heck kind of dystopia were you living in that didn't have CDs in 1997? OK but real quick I don't understand the nostalgia for cassette tapes. Cassette tapes sounded like garbage and sucked to carry around. I get owning one as a fun novelty, "Haha this band I like was selling them at a concert and I had to, and I mean it's nice to support the things I love!" But if you're defending the audio quality of cassette tapes, you have taken irony too far and are no longer a hipster, and you need to have a serious talk with yourself about what you hope to achieve in this life.

5.10.1997 28) "G.H.E.T.T.O.U.T.," by Changing Faces

The chorus of the song features the two women harmonizing over the words, "I can do bad all by myself," and 1997 just keeps on surprising us, this time revealing the origins of a Tyler Perry movie title. I did some research. The only other results for "I can do bad all by myself" are all related to the Tyler Perry film. That kind of speaks to the quality of the lyric, y'know? Like, if a director of some repute (haven't seen any of his movies, they are not for me but assuredly competently helmed) carried this lyric with him long enough to name his movie-musical after it, surely, there's some value. Great work, Changing Faces. I hope more people than just me figured out the title was a reference to something.

42) "Blood on the Dance Floor," by Michael Jackson

Shortly before the voting results for the starting line-ups of the MLB All-Stars were announced, certain among the baseball internet argued that, as they were future Hall of Famers, players like Miguel Cabrera should be given extra consideration for a spot, since you aren't going to remember Justin Smoak in thirty years, but you might tell your grandchildren about Miguel Cabrera. And there is merit; Miguel Cabrera is more deserving of the All-Star designation than a Justin Smoak, since Miguel Cabrera is an actual star baseball player and Justin Smoak happened to hit 20 of his ~100? career home runs in three well-timed months. But if you're such a profoundly boring grandparent that you would tell your grandchildren about baseball players you watched on TV, and you tell them about Miguel Cabrera, are you going to tell them about the time he hit a grounder to second in the second inning of the 2017 MLB All-Star Game? Your grandchildren will ask you why you weren't watching a cooler sport. This song is okay, but if you introduced your grandchildren to Michael Jackson with this song, and your grandchildren discovered Michael Jackson years later, your grandchildren would emancipate themselves from their parents just to not be related to you anymore. Also, it would be worth noting to your grandchildren that Michael Jackson was probably a pedophile.

44) "Thinking of You," by Tony! Toni! Tone!

A more appropriate name for this band would have been Tony. Toni. Tone. (I'm sorry, Tone, but if I'm not gonna remember how to make the accented e for Beyonce, you are just incredibly out of luck.) This is chill. Maybe you can justify one exclamation point, but determining who gets the exclmation point probably would have caused intra-group strife, and I think it would've been more appropriate if the band's name reflected how chill they were. When Panic! At the Disco were going through their Beatles phase, they switched to Panic at the Disco. You should have been looking ahead through time and taking notes from them.

76) "I Wanna Be There," by Blessid Union of Souls

This song sounds like the song that kicks off the slow dances at the junior high school dance. It'll stop the kids from getting so rowdy that they start grinding, but isn't so romantic that they'll start making out on the dance floor. A safe ballad to keep the hands above the waist and prevent glances from being too meaningful. It simultaneously sets and kills the mood. It's a hard trick to pull off, but my stars, it does it!

83) "ESPN Presents: The Jock Jam," by Various Artists

/slow clap The YouTube description states, "FOR ENTERTAINMENT USE ONLY," and I want to meet the person who intended on using this for educational purposes.

90) "Call Me," by Too $hort ft./Lil' Kim

Imagine the thinkpieces if any of today's female rappers put the line "I slip myself a mickey, now that's the proper set off" in their song. Boy, this song sure exists! I don't think I've ever heard a song end with the two credited artists fucking. That's kind of amazing. What a song this is. This is off the soundtrack for the film Booty Call, and however much the music supervisor paid to have Too $hort and Lil' Kim make a song for their movie, they got their money's worth and more. Unless Booty Call is actually porn, there is no way it lives up to this song.

92) "The Old Apartment," by Barenaked Ladies

This seems like as good a point as any to stop the post, as I am not in the business of critiquing BNL. BARENAKED LADIES ARE TRIPLE PLATINUM. ARE YOU?!

The Top 20 for 1997 so far! 20) "MMMBop," by Hanson (5.3) 19) "Everyday Is a Winding Road," by Sheryl Crow (3.29) 18) "It's All About U," by SWV (1.18) 17) "In My Bed," by Dru Hill (1.11) 16) "Talk to Me," by Wild Orchid (3.1) 15) "Please Don't Go," by No Mercy (2.8) 14) "Don't Keep Wasting My Time," by Teddy Pendergrass (4.19) 13) "Feelin' It," by Jay-Z (5.3) 12) "Step by Step," by Whitney Houston (3.15) 11) "On and On," by Erykah Badu (1.25) 10) "I Want You," by Savage Garden (3.1) 9) "Silent All These Years," by Tori Amos (3.22) 8) "What They Do," by The Roots (1.11) 7) "Step Into a World (Rapture's Delight)," by KRS-One (4.5) 6) "I'm Not Feeling You," by Yvette Michele (2.22) 5) "Bill," by Peggy Scott-Adams (3.29) 4) "I'll Be," by Foxy Brown ft./Jay-Z (2.15) 3) "Bitch," by Meredith Brooks (4.26) 2) "Return of the Mack," by Mark Morrison (3.1) 1) "Hypnotize," by The Notorious B.I.G. (4.26) What a solid list. And it’s only gonna get more solid, what with the Third Eye Blind and Backstreet Boys and Robyn coming our way. It’s not gonna be as strong as this section was, I don’t think, but it at least has the capacity to surprise. Tune in Monday, I hope!