#I remember our moms very much thinking we were just friends and me joining Girl Scouts just to spend more time w her

[dirt-goth]

"It's just my humble opinion but it's one that I believe in. You don't deserve a point of view if the only thing you see is you."

[greg-montgomery]

Friends to lovers with hotch. Bau!Reader has been pining forever but is deciding to move in after seeing Aaron and Beth be with each other. New guy also happens to be a single dad with a boy in jacks grade. Jack is not happy about another boy stealing his mom figure yk? Father son duo working together to get the girl.

Tbh idc what you write coz its always good. And im a sucker for jealous hotch ALWAYS

okay can i just say that when i saw this ask i got obsessed with the concept immediately!!! like that’s so cute???? also while writing this i was thinking “jack is such a little sweetie he wouldn’t have an attitude” but then i thought of this tiktok and remembered he can actually be salty af <33 LMFAOO

♡ ♡ ♡ ♡

“Buddy, what’s wrong?”

Jack hadn’t spoken a word the entire ride from school. Aaron was used to his bubbly sweet voice filling the car, telling him all about his day; so the silence was deafening.

“Nothing,” he replied, dropping his small bag on the floor and running to his room.

The truth was, Jack had been pretty moody lately and it was all because of you. Well, it wasn’t your fault of course, but it was your absence that had Jack throwing tantrums in a way he never used to before.

As Aaron’s best friend, your presence in his house, in his home, was a constant. Movies, dinners, board game nights…Jack had grown used to you. And he absolutely adored you.

When Beth came into Aaron’s life, though, things started to change. You were pulling away from him, from them. At first, Aaron thought that maybe you were jealous; and if that was true, he would drop Beth in a heartbeat and run into your arms. After all, she was only a distraction to him in order to get over you.

All those dreams of him were shuttered one day, when he had called to ask you if you’d join him and Jack for a movie night, only to be told you had a date: a date with the dad of one of Jack’s classmates. You told him the two of you met when you went to pick up Jack from school one day, and Aaron cursed the moment he had asked for your help. If he knew the dads there would be all over you, he wouldn’t have let you set foot into that damned school in the first place.

“Jack?” Aaron said, knocking on his door.

“Go away!”

“Jack, please talk to me. I want to help.”

There was a long pause before Jack finally opened the door and let his dad in.

“What did you do to her?” he asked with tears in his eyes.

“Buddy, what are you talking about?”

“Y/N. Why isn’t she your friend anymore?” Jack looked incredibly sad and it broke Aaron’s heart.

“We’re still friends,” he answered, softly. “What makes you think we’re not?”

“She’s never here anymore.”

“I know,” Aaron said. “But that doesn’t mean she’s not our friend anymore. We’ve just both been busier than usual.” He wasn’t technically lying, but he still felt bad.

“Why couldn’t you get together like they do in the movies?” Jack raised his voice. “Now she’s with Charlie’s dad. And she packs Charlie lunch and makes him sandwiches that look like dinosaurs like she used to do with me! It’s not fair, she was ours first!”

Well, that explained why he was so mad after school today.

Aaron couldn’t find any words to say, and how could he when he was just as jealous as his son? Jack was right; you were theirs first. And they’d win you back.

--

“And dad told me we’ll go get ice cream later with Y/N!” Charlie exclaimed, but Jack did not share his enthusiasm.

“Okay,” Jack answered, rolling his eyes.

“And maybe we’ll go to the movies after. She said she loves watching cartoons! She doesn’t think they’re boring like all grown ups,” the kid continued, not realizing he was making Jack upset.

“I know, we watch cartoons all the time together,” he replied.

Right next to them, their fathers had a separate conversation, but very much similar to theirs.

“The kid loves her already,” Charlie’s dad, Nick, said, watching you from afar. They were all waiting for you to finish your little chat with that teacher friend of yours, so they’d finally leave the school building.

“And how can he not, I mean she’s so great,” he added.

“She is,” Aaron agreed, though gritted teeth.

“I’ll take them for ice cream now so they can bond a little more. This girl loves ice cream.”

“Yeah, I know.” Who did that guy think he was? Thinking that any detail about you would be news to Aaron. Of course he knew you loved ice cream. He knew you better than anyone. Anyone.

“Sorry!” you said, walking fast towards their little group. “I hadn’t seen my friend in a while.”

“That’s alright.”

“It’s okay.”

Aaron and Nick talked at the same time, which ended in them sending annoyed glances to each other.

“Well, we better get going then,” you said with a smile.

As all of you walked out of the building, Aaron heard you telling something to Nick and Charlie. “Can you wait for me in the car? I’ll be back in a minute!”

To Aaron’s surprise you approached his car with one eyebrow raised. Oh no, you were mad.

“Y/N,” he said, but you cut him off.

“Why are the two of you being mean to Nick and his son?”

“We’re not mean to them,” Aaron said, but Jack’s voice was louder. “Because we hate them!” he said.

“Jack.”

“What? It’s true. You said that Mr. Nick is ugly and a jerk!”

“Jack, language!” his dad scolded him.

You turned your gaze to Aaron. “Is this true?”

He sighed, in defeat. “Jack, can you please get in the car? I want to speak with Y/N.”

“Fine,” he said, and followed his dad’s request.

“So?” you said when you were finally alone.

“So…I may have said some things about Nick.”

“Why?” your soft voice asked.

“Because, I can’t stand the thought of him with you. God, Y/N, I can’t do this anymore. I want you. I want you to be mine. I wanna be the one who takes you for ice cream and the one who brags about you to the other dads.”

“Aaron…”

“I understand if you don’t feel the same way-”

“Of course, I feel the same way, you idiot,” you said. “But then Beth showed up and I thought it was one sided!”

“Beth’s in the past.”

“She is?”

“Yes. She didn’t mean anything to me. It’s always been you,” Aaron admitted.

“Wow…” you said, placing your palm on your forehead.

“Yeah…”

“Well, I have two people waiting for me in the car right now. And I don’t want to just  blow them off.”

“I understand.”

“I’ll talk to Nick tonight. I promise,” you said, touching his hand. “Okay?”

“Okay.” Aaron smiled.

“She touched your hand,” Jack said with a smirk when his dad got back in the car.

Aaron stared at him through the rearview mirror with furrowed eyebrows, but Jack could read him very easily. So he just giggled.

--

“Ew!” Jack yelled, his face forming a disgusted expression at the sight of you and Aaron kissing.

“Hey, you got your wish!” Aaron told him. “You should be grateful.”

“You know what I think?” you asked.

“Hm?”

“That our little Jack is jealous because he’s not getting any kisses.”

“No!” he giggled, as you and Aaron chased him, ready to cover his chubby cheeks with sweet kisses.

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

WIBTA if I tried to covertly exclude one of my friends from game nights ? 🎮🎧📞

tw: disordered eating, self harm

I've got a discord friend group of about 15 people though only 10 or so are regularly active and game nights often are usually around 6 people but they rotate who participates often. We're all in the 20s and mostly nonbinary / genderqueer / trans one way or another. I'm 25 ftm personally (they them) and the friend this is about in particular is 22mtf (she/they).

Friend is really excited to hit the 1 year marker in her transition and loves sharing how excited she is about her progress - how strangers at her job are gendering her correctly more and more often, how her cup sizes are growing, how much weight she's lost, wardrobe updates, getting to learn girl things from their very supportive mom, etc etc etc. It's all very exciting, I remember hitting my 1 year marker and i'm genuinely really happy for her.

The thing is I struggled with disordered eating in the past. Several others in our friend group have as well and it's something we've talked about both in related and unrelated convos to this issue. Friend keeps an excel spreadsheet with her measurements from bust to hips to weight and will update us frequently whether we've expressed interest in hearing the exact numbers or not. Exact Numbers was one of the things I kept track of and hearing her tracking them (for very different reasons) will often set me off and i'll start taking more and more unhealthy actions, falling back into disordered habits.

Friend has adhd and very poor impulse control. She often joins conversations and talks over people, completely changes conversational topics on a dime, or forgets who is in a call at any moment and brings up someone's triggers. She'll almost always apologize if someone mentions a social mistake she's made, but because the weight/food intake/number watching is so important to them as a way to track their transition it's the one thing that keeps coming back and back and back. I and the others have tried talking in voice calls, mentioning in text chats in the group and even DMing her but because of the topic and this group being the friend group she feels safest in (we were all the first to know and hyped them up on the hrt journey) these are some convos she only gets to have here

and because of the topic, i feel rude or embarrassed when I have to say "hey can we not talk about this right now or i'm gonna have to leave". So on most nights if it comes up I'll just deafen / go afk / just zone out entirely until the conversation has passed. If it doesn't seem like it's going to or they are so in depth that it's genuinely triggering a self harm response i'll fully leave instead so she can keep having her fun and get excited

Game nights are different though

I'm usually the host of game night and so can pick when we play our silly little games. Obviously people can and do still hangout and do things together Not on specific game nights, and we all do, but game nights are my thing. We play party games over discord or multiplayer competition games or lately have been getting into games like content warning and lethal company when there's 4 or sometimes 5 of us (either someone wants to hang out but only watch or we rotate around who plays round by round)

Friend is often working in the evenings and so bc this is an online friend group they don't actually know my work schedule. We usually only have about half the total number of participants be around for game night anyways, so I've been thinking of occasionally lining up game nights for nights when she's mentioned being busy by saying i work the other nights - but only sometimes. I do really like friend. She can be so much fun to hang out with, excitingly competitive and with interesting knowledge to share and generally a good sport no matter the actual game we're playing. But sometimes the worry about the triggering and the trigginering itself are too much. sometimes i just can't handle when she does it and knowing i can't leave and asking her to stop expressing her joy makes me feel like an asshole anyways so i don't want to be around it.

To be clear. I do not think they are an asshole. Friend is genuinely one of my friends. I like her and hanging out with her. they do not trigger me (or any of the others w this same trigger) maliciously. this is solely would I be the asshole.

TLDR: My friends way of tracking her transition sometimes triggers my eating disorder. would I be the asshole for planning game nights that I host and cannot leave / tune out conversations during so that she cannot attend as often in hopes that I am not triggered as often?

[the-faceless-bride]

What does she have...

Johnny 'soap" Mactavish × (obsessive?) Reader

Plot: Johnny 'John' Macravish. The man you've been in love with since you were 13 years old. The boy next door who promised to protect you, care about you, and be by your side. Promised to be your best friend. Grown up together and still close to this day. Only you want to be more, but... It seems he just can't leave behind the free life, sleeping where he wants, when he wants with who he wants... He needs more than you. And you just can't expect that.

Warnings: Angst, Hurt/no comfort/comfort, unrequited love, swearing, mentions of sex, Sex, seeing the man you love with someone else, Civilian reader, friends to lovers?, mentions of abuse, Johnny gets hurt at some point.

A/n: this will have a choose-your-path style to it, cuz I find interaction fun! And a pick your ending. I listened to 'Put Me in a Movie' by Lana on repeat while making this. Slowed and reverbed.

You had been in love with him as long as you. Would remember. Your mom's being close friends and all. You'd grown up practically in the same house. And you'd loved every second of it.

It broke your heart when he first told you he was joining the military. That was the first time you and him had ever fought. But you still remember it like it was yesterday.

"Why do you care so much?!" he screamed at you. An uncomfortable silence followed, you wanted to tell him. 'I'm in love with you, I care for you, I just want you to be safe. Can't you be here safe... With me?' but instead, you had stupidly said, 'You're like my brother. I wouldn't want my brother to get hurt.' you regret not telling him that night, either our come would've spared you years of her break...

But today you'd been ecstatic, Johnny was coming home today. He had sent you the letter and that some squad mates would stay! You were excited to meet everyone... At first...

When everyone had set down the bags and you saw that shaggy mohalk you came running down the steps of Johnny's house.

Johnny and you had a comfortable dynamic between the two of you. You had your little apartment for one that you stayed at when Johnny was home from his missions. But while he was gone you stayed in his house, keeping the dust bunnies away and his house warm.

Neither of you minded the agreement. You especially, you got to lay in his bed every night. Thinking and dreaming what it would be like to go to bed and wake up next to him.

You hugged Johnny and he laughed at you almost knocking him over, his sweet laughter... His smell, his voice... "miss me lassy? Heh-" his silly teasing, a perfect moment...

"who's your little friend?" a moment ruined by the sound of another woman's voice. You jumped back to look at her, "this is [Name], my good friend. Practically my little sister-" aaannd there it was. That gut-wrenching feeling of another needle stabbing your heart.

This woman was tall, very muscular, and had a scar under her left eye. Blonde hair and the most beautiful green eyes you'd ever seen.

And you knew instantly what her 'relationship' with Johnny was. They were always the same.

Every mission he came back from he had a pretty woman aside him. Sometimes from the mission, other just a girl he found at the local pub after a drink with his mates.

Always another pretty woman. But never you.

You went home and cried every time.

"It's nice to meet you all," you said with a smile, hoping his teammates wouldn't notice the slight drop in your mood knowing a woman was with them. They had all kindly introduced themselves, except the big one with the mask, he just stared at you. You couldn't tell what he was thinking behind those dark eyes.

"I'm Gaz, it's nice to meet you! We were just gonna set our things inside and head for a drink would you like to come?"

While a drink would be nice you learned your lesson. You had only been around Johnny when he was drunk twice. Both times ended with you crying.

The first time, you had gone out with him to celebrate his return. It was going smoothly and you were having fun. Seeing the Man you love having fun, being alive. But it quickly went south when you excused yourself to the bathroom. When you came back Johnny had a woman on his arm, Dancing and whispering in her ear. Kissing her neck, letting her rake her fingernails down his strong chest.

You felt sick. You rushed back to his house and ended up crying yourself to sleep in a guest room. But being woken up to the sickening sound of that woman moaning Johnny's name.

And the second time...

"oh no thank you, I just finished tidying up here and I gotta get home to my cat." you joked and he thankfully accepted your excuse. Johnny didn't even notice you leaving...

You couldn't sleep, you laid awake wondering what it was like to be that woman. To be fucked into the mattress by Johnny. Your Johnny.

You'd dreamed and fantasized about it many many times. To kiss him. To hold him. To moan for him. A dream you touched yourself every night too. It made you feel less lonely.

You wondered if when lying in his bed she smelled your perfume?

You had a very specific perfume, you had been wearing it every day since you were 16, you'd worn it once and Johnny had said you 'smelled nice' and since then you'd only ever wear That specific scent.

In your mind, when he smelled that scent he would always think of you. And you had slept on his bed every night since he had been gone, you know you still lingered on his sheets.

You'd always wondered if Johnny... Liked... The smell of you on his bed. You knew he knew you slept in his bed, instead of one of the guest beds he had in his home. But he had never once told you to stop... Maybe he liked it?... Maybe...

For a moment you reviled in the idea that while she was being fucked, her head shoved into the pillows she'd be forced to smell you lingering on his sheets. Maybe if you were right the smell might... Make him think of you... If only for a moment... Maybe...

You sigh.

Why couldn't it just be you? What did all those other women have... That you didn't?

Why couldn't he... Just pick you?

Tags: @godihatethiswebsite

Part 1/???

[gatheringbones]

[“The way I told my mom was less than ideal. I was home on a school break and talking to Jessie for about an hour on the telephone. My mom kept knocking on my bedroom door, telling me to get off the phone. I was totally frustrated and came storming into the living room. She said something snide like, “I don’t know who this Jessie is and why you have to be on the phone with her for so long.” “She’s my girlfriend! And I’m bisexual!” I shouted angrily. I don’t actually remember what she said after that.

Telling my gay father was a lot less dramatic. He just said some thing like, “That’s great—whatever makes you happy.” Interestingly, he wasn’t jumping for joy over me joining the team or anything.

Jessie and I didn’t last very long; we really were better off as friends. I don’t think people, including me, realized how serious I was—this wasn’t an experiment or whimsy—until I met Jen.

Jen was the Big Dyke On Campus. She was a senior, super intelligent, opinionated, really out. Everyone knew who she was because she was a big-time activist, very outspoken about things like sex, SM, and porn. She also went to class dressed in men’s shirts and ties. This was no friendly, sporty lesbian that everyone found charming. She was a butch dyke, brazen in her gender and style, and I was drawn to her. She was frantically finishing her honors thesis when we first met, and so our early encounters were at the library. I remember kissing her for the first time on the library steps and feeling such intense desire that I thought I would explode and shatter into tiny bits of flesh at her feet. She was a brilliant flirt, so self-assured, so deliberate and generous with her words, so powerful at casting a spell on me. Consumed by her, I wanted to surrender, to give her everything. She was the smartest, fiercest lesbian I knew. And then she was my girlfriend.

Jen used to read On Our Backs and Susie Bright’s Lesbian Sex World to me at bedtime every night. (She was even in charge of bringing Susie Bright to speak on campus that spring.) We were so connected, so engaged in the relationship. Every single day, there was something new to learn, share, discover. I did so many things for the first time with Jen. Jen was the first girl I ever lived with. I experienced the tremors of my first earthquake in bed with Jen and her yellow lab. I had my first taste of what now is my favorite all-time food at the hands of Jen: sushi. Jen was the first woman to fuck me with a dildo. Jen was the first woman to tie me up. The first woman to spank me. To fuck my ass. She topped me for the first time, I bottomed to her for the first time, and we switched. We watched fag porn together. She was the first girl I ever fucked with a strap-on. She was the first girl I ever stripped for. Jen was the first girl I ever bought a tie for. Jen brought me to buy my first pair of Doc Martens. She was so articulate about her desires and her politics, so sex positive, that I felt like I could tell her anything. She was my lover, my mentor, my dyke teacher, and so much of who I am today came from her.

Before her, I felt closeted not only about my desire for women, but my desire to explore the myriad possibilities of sex. Coming out finally gave me the freedom to do so. I was never tortured or miserable with all the boys I’d been with; in fact, physically, they were pretty satisfying. I couldn’t always connect with them on an intellectual or emotional level, so I always felt like something was missing. While I was sexually precocious with men, I never tried new things, experimented, voiced fantasies—being a dyke totally coincided with my overall sexual liberation, and the two awakenings became intrinsically linked.”]

tristan taormino, from this girl is different, from a woman like that: lesbian and bisexual writers tell their coming out stories, 2000

[fantasy-mixtapes]

Kristen Applebees Season 1 Character Playlist BREAKDOWN

OKAY, SO this one is gonna be an ordeal.

I set a 6-song limit for every other playlist I made, but this is the playlist that started it all. So, I didn't have a limit. So it's 12 songs long.

Which is honestly like a normal playlist length BUT it's gonna be a long breakdown which I will lovingly do because I LOVE Kristen with my whole heart. Either way, this is deffos gonna be a long post so read if you want (i would very much appreciate it obvi but I get this is pushing it).

Genres Included: Folk, Singer-songwriter, Alternative, 80's

1. Save the People, The Mountain Goats

When wilt thou save the people? Oh, God of mercy, when? Not kings and lords, but nations Not thrones and crowns, but men God save the people For thine they are Thy children as thy angels fair Save the people from despair

Starting off strong with my main man John Darnielle. John, as prolific as he might be, did not write this song it is originally from the musical Godspell by Steven Schwartz. I was raised as a theater kid and I remember one summer my mom took out our cable and the only things we could watch on the tv were dvds and vhs tapes of musicals, and the 1973 Godspell movie was definitely one of my favorites. Its like "what if Jesus was around in the 70s and was a hippie clown and also was crucified on a chain-linked fence and beaten by cops" ...ah, good times.

ANYWAYS, I don't feel like I need to get into why this is a perfect Kristen song - I feel like it really gets to the divide between the way that Christianity is taught to kids vs the way it is enacted by the adults that do the teaching.

2. Father Texas, Birdtalker

Father Texas on his toes Tells me where and when to go He's a savior, liturgy man He's a stickler and a soap monger Shove it down your throat Holy answer man He says obey and I'll love ya Now I'm doing just to prove And I'm walking out of fear But the devils done

Ok so I was raised Catholic, which I feel like is a whole different flavor of religious trauma compared to Evangelical or Baptist vibes - which I feel like the Helioic religion gives. Either way, this song slaps and really gets to that Evangelical vibe.

3. Big Houses, Squalloscope

I build bridges with these arms I will not build a fortress In the circle around the kitchen table I say my "amen" because I feel blessed Secretly hoping, while joining hands, that you can't feel my trembling fingertips

Here's young Kristen Applebees - Chosen One of Helio- who just wanted to help people. She meets her first non-religious friends, plans to convert and save them, and then straight up dies on the first day of school. She comes face to face with her literal god, is disappointed and grossed out by him, and then is magically (and violently) revived.

Can you imagine her returning home, trying to answer her parent's questions about the first day, making it through dinner, crawling into bed, and just lying there? AHHHHHHHHHHH

4. Under The Table, Fiona Apple

I'd like to buy you a pair of pillow-soled hiking boots To help you with your climb Or rather, to help the bodies that you step over along your route So they won't hurt like mine Kick me under the table all you want I won't shut up, I won't shut up Kick me under the table all you want I won't shut up, I won't shut up

Speaking of those family dinners, as the days go by and Kristen gets closer to her party, how do you think she's gonna react to whatever comments her parents make about them hmmmmmm? The result of coming out of your social shell and realizing how bad the people around you really are.

5. Cleric Girl, Sisyfuss

I need my cleric girl tonight So she can bless me in this plight Dress me in crucifixes so they die on sight I need my cleric girl tonight

This is just a fun song I see as Kristen finds her groove within the party, kinda around the DJ brains fight. Also it makes me think of the prayer chain thing that she had the whole party on at some point.

6. Cornflake Girl, Tori Amos

She knows what's going on Seems we got a cheaper feel now All the sweeteaze are gone Gone to the other side With my encyclopedia They musta paid her a nice price She's putting on her string bean love This is not really, this, this This is not really happening

There's something about a Tori Amos song that never fucking misses. This song, for me, kinda gets at the part of growing up when you really start to uncover the truth of things for yourself, instead of listening to the things you were always told. Kristen buys the book of world religions and reads about the atrocities people did in her god's name. She is also told that the "cool camps" she was going to were run by an actual fanatical cult. Yikes.

7. Eldest Daughter, Isabel Pless

Bring me your battered, your bruised, and your scarred Florence Nightingale, to your broken hearts Bring me your bleeding I'll stitch it up with a bow Tugging at the sword in the stone The dormant hero in me is yet to be known Dying to prove myself again, but I don't know how Wanna lay my weapons down Lay my weapons down Want everyone to adore me even though People's emotions are out of my control Smothering fires Letting flames claim my hands I would do anything to be needed Over and over again.

Okay, the thing about this song is that we get the root of it here in season one, and it shows up really lightly, but God almighty, do we get one hell of a payoff in the next two seasons. Damn. The first time I listened to this song I cried. It's on several of my dnd character playlists - because, for some reason, I can't stop making dnd characters with self-saccrificing tendencies. HM! I WONDER WHY?

But anyways, yeah... something something, Christian households raising their eldest daughters to be surrogate mothers and laborers, something something Kristen is a cleric while her brothers are paladins, something something Women being healers

8. Angel Eyes and Basketball, Foot Ox

There are flowers growing all around A massive animal inside of me And it's so ugly, and I'm so broken And I'm so ugly, and it's so broken I am calling all of my friends To pull me out of this hole But they're so caught up in their own shit And I'm so caught up in my own shit

Ok, this is full Christian guilt. I also really like the way this song is one of those upbeat but devastating ones because it makes me think about her inspiring speeches to her party members just being her ranting about how horrible everything is, and then they get +1 to attacks and extra hitpoints. Living La Vida Loca.

9. We Fell in Love in October, girl in red

Smoking cigarettes on the roof You look so pretty, and I love this view Don't bother looking down, we're not going that way At least I know I am here to stay We fell in love in October That's why I love fall Looking at the stars Admiring from afar

Ok, I know this is cheesy. BUT TO MY CREDIT: both the song and the season came out in 2018. Also, you know Kristen would stream the fuck out of this song.

10. Running Up That Hill ( A Deal With God), Kate Bush

And if I only could, I'd make a deal with God And I'd get him to swap our places I'd be running up that road, be running up that hill With no problems

AGAIN TO MY CREDIT: I made this playlist in 2020 - two years before Stranger Things brought the song back to the general psyche. No shade, of course, to the stranger things; it's a perfect song to choose, and the scene effectively made me cry.

But anyway its here because at her bones, Kristen would die for her friends and has and will (unfortunately) continue to. Speaking of

11. Arms Tonite, Mother Mother

I cry in the afterlife I cry hard because I have died And you're alive I try to escape afterlife I try hard to get back inside Your arms alive

Kristen's dying count is more than double most of her friends at this point - and golly gee just wait till season 2!

Can I roll a nat 20 and then be alive?

12. Glory (Bunker Sessions), Bastille

And all their words for glory Well, they always sounded empty When we're looking up for heaven Looking up for heaven Way down here upon the ground When we're lying in the dirt There's no looking up for heaven Looking up for heaven

I really love this bunker session version of this song; the strings and the piano just give it a lovely honesty. Gorgeous song. Perfect way to end this season

[pastanest]

if you’re wondering why I’m having to repost this, or why you were perhaps previously following me but no longer are, please refer to this post. I was able to retrieve this thanks to @rosieathena - thanks so much!! ♡

Spencer Reid x she/her!reader

Familiar Face

“What about you, kid, did you have a crush in school?” Derek asks Spencer, a natural progression considering everyone on the team had already discussed their school crushes. Even Penelope joined in from the computer screen. It‘s a long flight, they have time.

The image of you enters Spencer’s mind as soon as the question is asked.

“No, I didnt.” He answers, the picture of you seeming to grow until it envelopes all of his thoughts.

Emily raises an eyebrow. “I think someone is telling a lie!”

This peaks the entire team’s interest, all of them leaning forward in their seats, profiling him expertly in terrifying silence.

“Alright, alright! There was a girl I had feelings for!” Spencer admits defeat under the deadly gaze of his friends, who all smile in joint victory.

“Come on kid, you’ve gotta tell us more!” Derek says, already prepared to tease the genius to no end.

Spencer sighs. “She was my best friend. My only friend, actually. Nobody could really...stand to be around me, nobody my own age, back then. The only reason I wasnt mercilessly bullied was because of her, she so fiercely defended me all the time.” He laughs fondly, losing himself to thoughts of you. “She was always much smaller than me, but she was fearless. We used to play imaginary games where we were both police officers chasing bad guys; it was her who inspired me to want to pursue a career like this. Before her, the bad guys scared me. My mom loved her, and she loved my mom, they were always laughing together whenever she came over. I can distinctly remember my heart stopping when our imaginary police games got particularly dramatic and she’d grab my hand, for just a few seconds I was allowed to believe I had a chance with her.” Spencer shakes his head, pulling himself out of his thoughts and clearing his throat. “But that was a long time ago, she has most likely forgotten all about me.”

He looks down at the case file in his hands and pretends to read it while the team exchange glances. He did his best to reveal as little personal information possible about you, so that they have no way of finding you and forcing you to see him again, but he couldnt help still feeling worried.

It had been a while since Spencer had thought of you. His mind drifted to you every so often, but he only ever let himself very shallowly recall memories of you, he wouldnt dare relive them properly. But after talking about you aloud for the first time in so many years, the dam was broken, and his mind was flooded.

Not only does he recall how his heart stopped when you held his hand, he remembers the way you’d grin every time you saw him, even if you’d only spent an hour without him. Spencer recites the countless facts he remembered specifically to tell you. He remembers every word you ever told him, from the day you met when the two of you were five years old, until the day he graduated high school at 12 and had to leave for college.

That day in kindergarten, you left the other kids you were playing with so that you could go and sit with little Spencer, who was reading a book by himself. You introduced yourself and asked him to read to you, which became an ongoing tradition in your friendship, up until the day you cried into each other before he had to leave for college. You told him you adored him, that you’d do everything in your power to stay in touch with him, and then you kissed him. Neither him nor you had ever addressed any feelings outside of friendship, and even then, neither of you said anything. It was your shared first kiss.

Spencer remembers every detail of every incident when you physically jumped in front of him to protect him from school bullies. He counted six times that you got called to the principal’s office for punching, kicking and biting people that were mean to him. It would always be Spencer who pulled you away from a fight and held you back, you werent scared at all. He remembers when you got a black eye in a particular incident protecting him, he felt so guilty that he threw up and tried to avoid you, because he thought you’d be safer and happier without him. But you found him, you always did, and you told him you’d break every bone in your body if it meant he would be safe. That was one of the moments, one of many, that made him fall so hard for you.

A week passed, a week of Spencer daydreaming of you in the same way he did all those years ago. None of the team had brought you up again, which gave him just as much relief as it did stress; he couldnt tell if they were planning something or if they’d simply moved on. Regardless, the team’s focus is presently on a case of a missing child. This case is only a short drive away, no flight necessary, which was the only pleasantry of this case.

“We contacted a CARD team investigator to assist us on this case.” Aaron briefs the team as they enter the station, and everyone nods.

The CARD team, Child Abduction Response Deployment, works to recover victims as quickly as possible and helps apprehend those responsible for taking them. There are only 60 or so agents who make up the CARD team, stationed at field offices and assigned to one of five regional teams. They are seasoned veterans of crimes against children, especially child abductions, and have received extensive training. While some local law enforcement agencies may only work one or two child abduction cases a year, CARD team agents work these kinds of cases all the time, keeping their unique skill set honed.

An officer approaches Aaron. “Agent (Y/L/N) has already started interrogating the first person on the local sex offenders list.”

Hotch nods. “Rossi, you and Prentiss speak to the first victim’s family. JJ and Derek, go and speak to Addie’s parents.” He instructs, referring to the child currently missing. “Reid and I will assist Agent (Y/L/N) with interrogations.”

Spencer feels his mouth dry up, Agent (Y/L/N)? It couldnt be, could it? The probability of that coincidence is far too low, it isnt logical, only hopeful.

The team splits up, with Spencer and Aaron heading to the interrogation room. The CARD investigator has her back to the window, sitting opposite a particularly seedy looking middle aged man.

“How many times are you and I going to meet in these circumstances, Mr. Williams?” She says, a hint of sass mixed into her authoritative tone.

“As many times as you jump to suspect me the second a kid goes missing!” Mr. Wiliams snaps back, raising his voice.

Although Spencer cant see her face, he can practically hear her raise an eyebrow sarcastically as she laughs. “Oh, you overestimate yourself, Mr. Williams. You are simply the first name on the list, there are plenty of other creeps far more capable of such a professionally executed crime. As far as Im concerned, you’re an amateur.”

Spencer smiles slightly. Hotch looks at him.

“She’s good, isnt she?”

Spencer nods. “She’ll break him in no time.”

He cant help recognising her voice as somewhat familiar, but he discards it as his mind playing tricks on him.

“Garcia said she’s quoted as the best CARD investigator in her regional team, if not the best of them all. In every case she’s worked, she’s found every child, and found them alive.”

Spencer frowns slightly, looking to Hotch. “Why did Garcia do a background check on a CARD investigator?”

There’s a flicker of panic in Aaron’s eyes, but he immediately regains composure. “She’d heard of Agent (Y/L/N) prior to this, in various articles Garcia likes to read about children who were reunited with their parents after being kidnapped. She hoped to join us on this case so that she could befriend the investigator.”

Spencer nods, that does sound like Penelope. But he couldnt shake the feeling that something was off. Penelope had never mentioned an Agent (Y/L/N) before.

“You’re obsessed with me!” Mr. Williams scoffs. “Even though Im in therapy for my inappropriate attractions, I’d rather have my dick cut off with a butter knife than sleep with you!”

The CARD investigator laughs at that, she really laughs, dramatically wiping tears from her eyes.

“Oh, now you’ve dug yourself a hole!” She says as she rises from her seat, placing her palms flat on the interrogation table and leaning over to him. “I’ve got a game for you. Why dont you go ahead and give me a list of women who would sleep with a man who can only get it up for little kids? Oh, wait, sorry, Im getting you confused with pedophiles who can get it up in the first place. You missed that train, didnt you? I also think you’re forgetting who was at your court case, and who saw the naked pictures of you that were passed around the court.” She chuckles, shaking her head dismissively as she walks around the table and leans over him from the side, her hair shielding her face from Spencer’s view.

“Sweetheart, my pinky finger would give me more satisfaction!” Agent (Y/L/N) cheers.

Mr. Williams tugs at his handcuffs, and she laughs harder.

“You’re really gonna try that with me? Do you WANT to go back in a cell? From what I remember, the other inmates dont take kindly to people like you, but Im sure you know that from your own experience, right?” She leans closer to him, Mr. Williams shrinking away from her. “Where were you at 3pm on Tuesday the 13th?” She tucks her hair behind her ear, and Spencer’s blood runs cold.

It’s you.

He knew it, the moment he heard your name, heard your voice, your laugh, he just didnt want to admit it!

“How did you find her?” Spencer asks, his voice stern.

“Garcia.” Hotch replies, neither of the men looking at each other.

Spencer nods and speed walks away, feeling his entire body heating up until he steps outside the building. He feels lightheaded, dizzy, like he’s dreaming. Before he knows it, his phone is pressed to his ear.

“You’ve reached the desk of the one and only sex goddess-“

Spencer cuts Penelope off. “How did you find her?”

He hears her swallow nervously. “W-Well, you graduated early, so I knew there was no point looking in yearbooks, but there were school pictures from before then...she was always stood next to you.”

Spencer sighs, Penelope doesnt say anything else, and he knows why. She’s worried that he’s angry with her, but he could never be. He knows that the team put her up to it for that exact reason: Garcia is the only person on the team he cant hold a grudge against, because her intentions are always nothing but kind. Without her needing to say it, Spencer knows she found you because she saw how happy he was just talking about you, she wanted to reunite the two of you. Set him up with someone that he already knew, or did, many years ago. And for that, he cant be upset with her.

“I havent seen her since I was 12, what do I say?” Spencer asks, truly lost in a situation he had not prepared himself for.

He can hear the relief in Penelope’s voice at his response. “Just be yourself! That worked when you were kids, so it’ll work now!”

Spencer looks over the door of the police station. “How can you know that?”

The smile on Penelope’s face is obvious. “You both ended up catching the bad guys.”

Spencer cant help but smile, too. It’s a strange bit of reassurance, and he appreciates it more than he can say. “Thank you.”

Penelope squeals. “Go get her!”

Then she hangs up, causing Spencer to laugh as he tucks his phone back in his pocket. He takes a few deep breaths as he stares at the door, hyping himself up before he nods to himself and walks back inside. Determination fills him as he makes his way back to the interrogation room, but the determination melts when he sees you talking with Hotch in the entrance hall. He had anticipated he’d have a few more seconds to mentally prepare, but that was gone, and so was his confidence. Spencer stops dead in his tracks, frozen to the spot.

You and Hotch smile as you talk, your eyes distracted from him by something you couldnt figure out, until they glanced at the door. Your expression fell into one of utter disbelief. Wide eyes approach Spencer at a pace that could slow time itself. Once you’re close enough, you lift your hand at the same snail speed, gently touching his cheek with your fingertips.

“Is it really you?” You whisper, such a quiet contrast to the confidence in the interrogation room.

Spencer nods, parting his mouth to speak, but then your face begins to change. A smile forms, blooming into a grin until he recognises it as the same smile you’d always give him, and quite suddenly all words lose their meaning. No amount of syllables or sentences could come close to a justified description of your beauty.

“Well, let me start by saying with complete confidence that my childhood crush on you has transcended its previous laws.” You say, blushing slightly at your own confession.

“How so?” Spencer asks with a small smile.

“Childhood crushes are supposed to end when childhood does, but here I am!” You declare, playfully mad at him.

He laughs. “Last time I saw you, you very unfairly put me in a state of shock that made me mute for an entire day.”

Your eyes widen with concern. “I did? Why!?! How!?!”

Spencer sighs. “You kissed me, and as soon as you did I couldnt function.”

“And why is that unfair?” You ask teasingly, grinning again.

“You rendered me physically incapable of responding appropriately!” Spencer states in joking accusation.

You raise an eyebrow, processing the sentiment behind his words. You take a step closer to him, standing on your tiptoes to wrap your arms around his neck. “Well, what’s a 20 year break in a conversation? I’d gladly continue it! A little less sadly this time around though, if possible.”

Spencer leans in. “Oh, that’s definitely possible.” He mumbles quietly, half a second before your lips meet his.

Spencer’s hands go to your waist, then to the small of your back, then your hips, while yours run through his hair and hold him to you, not that he’d ever try to escape. Your lips collide in the most gorgeous way, dancing together wordlessly, perfectly detailling the extent of your yearning for each other. You pull away, panting, and Spencer feels himself swell with pride noticing how impressed you are. Maybe waiting 20 years to kiss you back was good, since he got some practise in before the final test. Seeing you still recovering from his kiss, he finds confidence he never would’ve found without you.

“So, dinner tonight?”

[curvylizzie]

Let me be open with you for a second

As you all know, my name is Samantha. That name was not given to me by my parents, but rather it is the name I chose for myself.

At the age of 11 I experience my first crush on a male, at the time I thought I was gay but then at the age of 13 I realized I was still able to have crushes in girls. So I realized I was bisexual

The guy I had a crush on was 4 years older than me. And I was extremely fond of him, so much so that I adopted his look, and made it my own. That’s why I love wearing plaid shirts.

I used to disguised this attraction by saying that he was like an older brother to me. That was my excuse but deep down, I had a crush on him just like any 11 year old would have a crush on their babysitter let’s say

But then at 15, my world shattered.

For more context; I was born to immigrants. My parents immigrated to Canada when I was very little, I don’t remember much of our home country. I grew up without grandparents, cousins, uncles, aunts.

Because I never had these connections, and because I changed schools so frequently due to dad’s work, I was never able to make friends.

I was a very lonely kid.

My parents and siblings were my whole world, and I came to realize that without them, I would have no purpose

So back to 15. My parents divorced. My Dad called the cops on my mom for false accusations of domestic abused. My mom tried laying charges back for mental domestic abuse as well. I remember talking to one of the cops, asking if I was okay. I don’t remember my response….

My dad left us after that night. He went onto live outside and we rarely ever saw him.

That same year, me 15, my sister 11, and my brother 7 were faced with a choice that should never ever be imposed on any child; mom or dad

If we chose dad, mom threatened to go back to our home country and we would never see her again. But if we chose mom, we still had the possibility to see dad. The choice was clear

And although we chose mom, she made it next to impossible for us to form any sort of bond with dad

I hated her for this, I hated her immensely. She fell into a severe depression, and was taking meds at the times for which she became addicted to.

Every night, for the next year, I had to sleep close to the kitchen. She would walk there in the middle of the night and grab a knife. I caught her once about to commit suicide.

It was the darkest time of my life.

I fell into my own depression. But my life, my well being was put on hold.

I failed most classes in high school but I didn’t care. I had to find a job because mom wouldn’t.

I found something at a daycare, and gained a decent salary to help buy groceries, because of this, I was unable to build up enough credit to attend university. So I gave up on it.

My relationship with mom deteriorated further, and so did mine with my siblings.

Subconsciously I took on the role of a parent figure for them but they did not see it that way. I was trying to protect them from mom, but they didn’t think I was. And so my relationship with my siblings, specially with my brother, broke

My world was shattered. The only people I knew were fighting and moving apart from each other. I fell into a depression that I never bothered to get checked

I attempted suicide myself many times. But everytime I would do it, I would say to myself “they need me. I can’t go yet”

That kept me going

I joined the army to be able to provide even more, my salary was good. I was able to provide with food and rent. I stayed in for 5 years. And I left due to them not paying me on time in several occasions

During this time I had cut dad completely out of my life. Mom kept showing me court documents trying to brainwash me into thinking my dad was and I quote “the worst human being to ever exist and if I don’t see it, I must be as bad as him”

During the summer of 2021 I decided to stop the army work. I enrolled in a trade school for something I had a passion on, but was not my dream job; a mechanic. And in the month of January 2022, I started classes

At this time I had already made this blog without really thinking much of it. But I also had more time to explore my mind.

I realized there was so much more than what I thought, my sexuality for one.

I started wondering why kids in my school always treated me like a girl, saying I’m “too girly to be a boy”. Why I loved wearing long hair and it made me feel better about myself. Why wearing a towel as a skirt made me feel nice

I talked to a couple of people and then realized, I might be trans.

May 25, 2022. I start a discord server, for which people rapidly started joining.

I was this enigmatic server owner people knew next to nothing about. Some started thinking that I was a woman behind the screen, for the way I talked and treated others in and I quote “a motherly way”

This made me feel better, and made me realized finally; I was a trans woman.

With that in mind, I knew if I told my family, they would not accept it. So I went months practicing makeup, dressing the way I wanted to dress, all in secret.

Moving to December 2022. My sister showed interest in what’s inside my head. I came out to her. I told her everything and she said “I did not know you had all this built up. Why didn’t you say anything?” Because nobody ever asked.

The thoughts of suicide started creeping up again. My friends online will remember this, and thank you again for saving me.

January 2023, I tell mom. And I tell dad. My dad at this point lives in a different province. I never see him anymore

Mom was not accepting of me, but she assured me that she would still love me, but would rather see me in boy clothes.

With all this, my family started distancing themselves because they could not believe that I was trans. Or rather they just didn’t wanna accept it.

I felt lonely

I felt scared

I felt anxious

I wanted to die

I had no more reason to keep living. My family didn’t want me around.

Last night… I could not see the light anymore. I don’t have a family to keep working for, they were my world and now they don’t want me.

I felt lonelier than I’ve ever felt before in my life. Ever.

I cried, and I screamed. My sister said to “submit to God” and brushed me aside

I walked up to my apartment. I grabbed a knife.. I looked at it for 30 minutes, trying to find a reason to stay. I couldn’t find one.

I placed the knife to my heart, but couldn’t do it. I layed on the floor, crying. And that’s when my brother came in, he was looking for something. And he found me. Asked me if I was okay, I said no…

I grabbed the knife once again, and he saw what I was doing, he took it away from me, and sat with me.

He saved my life last night.

When you lose a friend irl, you have at least the luxury of knowing, but someone online… they just wouldn’t show up anymore and you wouldn’t be able to know if they’re still around anymore or not.

Im sorry to all of you for almost doing that.

My life has been one with so much loneliness, I would never ever wish this on anyone. Ever. That is why I focus on helping others socialize, that is why that whenever someone comes to me for advice or because they need someone, I drop whatever the hell im doing, even if I’m crying my eyes out and go to talk to them.

I do so much, and rarely I ever get anything in return. But that is fine by me, because I’ve been able to build a community of people who now not only they follow this example, they send messages to me re-affirming what I believed; that I’ve saved them.

So thank you all for reading up to the end of this post. It was long and I won’t lie. But I had to make it.

You guys have helped me find myself, and have saved me before.

I promise to work on myself everyday so to stay with you all for as long as possible

Sam

[according2thelore]

thank you so much for the tag in that post!!! i immediately forgot every fact about myself unfortunately BUT i have two follow up qs for y'all.........

MERLIN! i am also obsessed with merlin and btw if you have a merlin account you are OBLIGATED BY LAW to tell me. constitutional amendment from the obama era. i think the merlin <--> supernatural pathway is all about duty by the way. and also gay sex.

also charlotte consider this ask your one drink please 🍷 and DO TELL!

haha, that's so fair! we love follow-up qs!

lizzy:

uh-oh! by law you say?? i'm sweatin'...i also love merlin! so much! i cannot shut up about it, and i have written/continue to write for merlin under a different account...but i fear i might have to break the law on this one. and it's strictly for the reason that i have Very Normal friends not familiar with fandom that follow my writing/keep up with my other ao3 and if they find out i shake the boys from spn between my teeth like a dog, i would have some massive explaining to do. obama's gonna come break my door down 😔 i am kissing you passionately in apology! but i think folks like my merlin work pretty okay! my biggest merlin fic is around 100k hits, which blows my mind with violence each day lol

you get it!!! you get it so hard!!!!!! what drives me crazy about merlin and spn is the inevitability of it all. they are soulmates, and they are fated to be joined, but at what cost? literally what cost? they are opposed forces, hunter and hunted, but a bond of love and forgiveness and belonging that keep them tethered beyond separation. it's the continuous loss and torture and fear and not leaving! they don't want to leave! their lives would be easier if they didn't love each other, but they can't stop. and they HAVE SEX! one of the things that sticks in my brain so hard about merlin specifically is the lengths that merlin goes to protect/save uther for arthur's sake. like that level of devotion, even at the betrayal of self, is BARK INDUCING!!! i could write forever and ever amen about merlin, so if i don't stop now, this entire post will just be me yapping and yapping.

charlotte:

oh my god WELL a few moments stand out from that day. first, lizzy and I were THE ONLY ONES TO DRESS UP after lizzy explained that people dressed up at cons (this was my first con ever—baby’s first!). Also me when I lie lol there were a couple sexy castiels but I digress. (lizzy note: there was also a billie and death cosplayer that blew my fucking mind my beloved <3)

second, literally everyone at our con had already met the boys. like. a girl pulled out a BINDER with like 4 m&g photos per page and just kept flipping through it. so while we were nervous wrecks all day, everyone was mysteriously so…chill?? like we picked up food on the way there and barely ate any of it since we were making ourselves ill.

waiting in line?? girl embarrassing you wouldn’t have wanted to see us because we were HYPERVENTILATING. as soon as we cleared the doorway and saw jared, he made eye contact with us and kept glancing over the line to check when we were coming up (because of our slay niche fits) and as soon as we did, he said the episode BY NAME and told us we did a great job. (lizzy note: he was very excited and also his hand is as big is my waist i blacked out the whole thing if i didn’t have a pic i wouldn’t think it happened)

that man’s chest and arms. gigantic. bigger than my head. he was as solid as a piece of marble. we were like what the fuck. took our picture and NO JOKE we had to sit down on the floor in the hallway. we called lizzy’s mom. we bragged to the barista in the convention center, who was also very excited. we vomited and threw up because misha was next but in character and costume and let me just say

that man’s hands were FRIGID.

I’ll say it!! (looking at you lizzy who doesn’t remember it smh.) his m&g was slay ish because he was just smoldering and barely said anything (LMAO our man was tired and they were running 2 hrs behind). but! hilarious. I have both of the pictures hanging in identical frames next to each other in my first grown up apartment and it looks like the same photo at a first glance. it is the second most expensive thing on my wall (my diploma taking first 🤧).

and that…that was a glorious day. we’re trying to go again since jensen was sold out so we can complete the trifecta 🫶

-charlotte (& lizzy! hello! 2-for-1!)

[raspberryconverse]

(pardon my bad cropping: it's been at least 8 years since I took a class on video editing and I can't figure out how to do it the way I want it)

When I saw this scene, it really got me thinking. At first I thought, "I never had any crushes on girls when I was younger. Discovering I was bisexual came out of nowhere." Or so I thought, until a few days ago.

I realized I was bisexual when I took a photography class my senior year of high school. My best friend was gay (so gay my mom could tell from across the street when we were 13), so it's not like I didn't know any queer people, but it just never really occurred to me that I could be queer too. Enter Purple-Haired Sarah. She had just moved to our town (I lived in one of those places the majority of people spend their entire childhood there), so I had just met her that year. She wasn't just pretty, but she (obviously) had purple hair and a fun style. If we had to work in pairs or groups, I wanted to be with her. Then one night I had a sexy dream about her. And that's when it clicked for me. Definitely a, "Well, guess I'm bi now." (There was a bit of experimentation with a friend of a friend to confirm, not that you necessarily need to do that)

But I really, truly thought I never had any crushes on other girls when I was younger. I saw this scene and thought, "Yeah, that was never me." I never had that urge to impress or desire to always be around certain friends- oh wait. Maybe I did.

My very first best friend was named Steph, or Steffy when we were younger. We met in second grade. I was always at her house or she was at mine (more often at hers because she had a computer and AOL so we could go in the chat rooms and do other online stuff in the early 90s). She used to live around the corner from me, but she moved a little bit away. Luckily, the school district let her and her brother still go to the same elementary school, but she did end up going to a different junior high/middle school (my district switched when we were in 8th grade, so we only spent 2 years at those schools). We also joined orchestra in 4th grade (violin for me, cello for her), though she didn't continue into JH/MS and I did. What was really interesting was that she facilitated in a crush I had on a boy who played viola (who eventually became a good friend in high school and we did make out a few times). I'd write him notes and she'd drop them in his viola case on her way to the cello section when we had rehearsals for the district wide Orchestra Festival. When we were younger, we both had a major love for the Baby-Sitters Club books. I remember one year I wanted us to dress as two of the characters for Halloween. She was supposed to be Kristy and I was Mary Anne (before her dad loosened up and let her wear things other than skirts and dresses). She didn't follow through with it though, and I was really upset about it.

I was really sad when Steph wasn't able to go to the same school as me for JH/MS. And when she went there, she really changed. TBH, I kinda did too, but I always was really disappointed that she changed so much. We were both big Hanson fans when they first were popular, but I never got into any of the other boy bands or pop artists of the late 90s/early 00s. She became really preppy and I was more punk/alternative (I went through a big Nirvana phase in 8th grade). It broke my heart that she wasn't my best friend anymore and we didn't have as much in common as we used to. We did go to the same high school and we were still friends, but it definitely wasn't the same. But I think the fact that I always wanted to hang out with her, was so disappointed when we weren't at the same school and that she changed so much might have been signs of an early crush (even if I was having crushes on boys at the same time).

The next one without a doubt (though I just thought of this yesterday) was my best friend Rachael. Rachael and I met in third grade and she was a part of my friend group with Steph. Later in elementary school, we were inseparable. She was definitely my best friend out of the friend group. In seventh grade, I spent a lot of time at her house. She even took me on a vacation with her family one summer. Unfortunately, in eighth grade she moved out to the county (IDK why my particular area uses the term "county" instead of "country," but that's just the local vernacular for the area west of the interstate). We stayed close friends, though. I still spent a lot of time at her house because my mom really liked her (not that she didn't like Steph) and as we got older, we got into similar music and clothing styles, unlike Steph. All through high school we spent a ton of time together, despite her being a 25 minute drive away (if that doesn't say something about how much I loved being with her, IDK what does). She was my partner in crime when I had a boyfriend my mom didn't like and she kind of a had thing with his friend too. We talked my grandma into taking us to see them, even though my mom forbade it. When I got a car, I would drive out to hang out with her all the time (and drive her and her boyfriend around and they'd make out in the backseat of my mid 80s Buick and I'd "accidentally" have to slam on the brakes so they'd go flying off the seat). We remained super close all through high school, despite not even being in the same school district. We went to local punk band concerts together, thrift shopped for fun random t-shirts from the kids section (that was kind of our style) and crushed on similar boys.

The only thing that was a bit of a problem with Rachael was when I came out as bisexual, it made her uncomfortable. Maybe she realized my feelings for her were more than platonic even though I didn't. I mean, there was always a lot of ass smacking and other silly things that could totally be seen as flirting, even though I didn't perceive it that way. But looking back, I totally see it now.

The last crush I didn't realize was a crush was the first one that got me thinking about this: Rhianon. I met Rhianon in seventh grade and she was just so cool, especially with such a cool name and I was boring Nicole V. Her parent let her dye fun color streaks in her dark hair and she wore such cool clothes. She was fairly popular, but not in a preppy way like it was in the late 90s. She didn't like boy bands or the other pop singers like Steph. She liked bands like No Doubt (she was very inspired by Gwen Stefani's fashion) and other alternative bands of the time. Honestly, she was kind of an inspiration. I wanted to be more like her. I wanted to be her. Maybe I just wanted her.

We were friends in high school because we still hung with the same crowd. I was definitely jealous of her: her confidence, her style, the boys she was able to date. I distinctly remember a local band show where she was dating one of the trombonist of one of the ska bands who I really like and I legit spent most of the show crying in the bathroom because seeing them all over each other made me so jealous. But was I jealous of her or was I jealous of him?

I certainly wouldn't have thought so at the time, but looking back, it probably was.

I definitely remember her posting on LiveJournal after she went to college that she had joined a sorority. I actually commented on the post and said I was very disappointed that she had because that just wasn't the Rhianon I knew. One of her new friends replied and didn't understand why I felt so strongly about it. But sororities just weren't very Rhianon, if you asked me. She still remained pretty cool all this time, though. She got married a few years before I did and she wore this really cute almost sort of rockabilly shorter wedding dress with a birdcage veil. I would have loved to be able to pull off something like that (not that I didn't love my wedding dress, because I wouldn't change a thing about the way my wedding turned out, minus the way the arch got set up), but I've just never had the confidence she's always had.

Oh, and the interesting thing about my Rhianon crush I didn't realize was still definitely a crush: she often comments or reacts to my Facebook posts and I was super disappointed that she didn't go to our high school reunion. I would have loved to have seen her. And now I know why.

That a-ha moment is really interesting to think about. Needless to say, Nick's bisexual discovery has made a lot of us older bis realize we had some of those feelings earlier than we originally thought. Even me, who swore up and down it was just Purple-Haired Sarah during senior year that did it for me. The more I think about it, the more I realize she probably wasn't the first.

[sakiaii]

Armored x Magic girls 'title forever work in progress' series 1

ok just imagine dust falling in the middle of the night like snow in a neighborhood. people who watched Den-O can just remember the first episode and the sand falling from the sky. now this is a weird kinda dust that can enter closed windows. next day a girl wakes up not feeling well but her mom is like yeah nice try go to school. she goes to school but while everyone is still waiting outside her friends tell her to go home instead. at home in the hallway she's attacked and grabed upon entering by PR like monsters.

now what i didn't mention is that a flying drone saw all this(og there was no drone but it makes for a good explanation how this character knew all this) from the dust to stalking her and her friends and this scene now i never gave this scene much thought until nowadays but i don't remember there ever being extracurricular activities before school... anyways as the other girls are outside and telling their friend to go home in the school gym we see karate lessons. now one girl the lone wolf of our story is just doing basic stuff when her sparring partner hits the ground and she accuses her of doing this intentionally but the girl claims she didn't use any strength at all with no one believing her she just calmly leaves saying she quits karate.

now the person who knew all this some scientist garthers other girls telling them they've all been infected by some matter released by aliens and how their goal now is kidnaping people showing signs and exposing them to the bigger dose of that matter (think KR Build). he doesn't have a cure but can stop the infection from progressing. their goal is to create a super soldier but the actual boss of this aliens that we're not going to see until the end of the 1st era put a minion in charge but she lacks patience, she was instructed to wait and see but by kidnaping people with signs of being affected and giving them a bigger dose to speed up the process she's creating mindless monsters and effin up the project. now this scientist actually has a secret but at the start he wasn't yet fleshed out and his story was revealed to me as my fantasies went along.

needless to say the first battles were kinda bad as no one was ready for this. the lone wolf girl would avoid fighting unless everyone else was on the ground then acting like a tank she would put herself in danger until everyone else gets up then going back to being reserved. this professor guy realised that and asked one of the outgoing girls to befriend her. he also told them there was another girl that could help them that was trained for this but can't arrive just yet (remember this guy actually has secrets). instead using what i call Dragon armor another new member soon joined but.. this armor used a weird cristal that this professor stole from this aliens a long time ago it's a crystal that they never found a way to use as it so powerful meaning that our Dragon armor girl almost killed herself when she showed up for the first time. She had a special attack like a dragon shaped bolt of lightning yes it's the same as this attack (me and hoyo devs thinking the same way)

the professor had to teleport her immediately away before anyone else noticed and save her as she she was frantically twitching in pain. he knew that was going to happen but that's who he really is a morally dubious person and the girl he gave the armor also had a death wish. She has a different disease that he promised to try to find a cure for but the crystal just refuses to be tamed so professor will lock the crystals power but leave her with a way to unlock it if the situation calls for it telling her that she will surely die then. And that will happen very soon, when she dies he will leave her near a hospital for people to find her and then he will bury that crystal together with her. Later the announced girl arrives and she's an orphan who sees professor as father figure unaware that he is actually an alien, wolf in disguise, someone who betrayed those other aliens when he stole the crystal and has been preparing her the day they come looking for him so she could protect him. Her naive trust in him ends up having an influence on this professor that he really despises as he's starting to actually care.

ehem remember the lone wolf and the girl asked to befriend her well they're going to develop a cool team work. attacking together at the same time forcing the enemy to put a block while one of them slows or pauses her movements before block to switch and attack now exposed area but something will start happening with the lone wolf girl. she will start having weird episodes where she will start getting really angry at her friend like she's addicted to that friendship and when she's not getting enough she's having drawbacks always blaming herself saying "no its not her i'm the problem". She will start losing herself in fights and fight with more aggression until she realises and goes back to being reserved. then one day the aliens... oh wait! before that the big boss sent one more person to oversee the project and the other overseer as she was effing it up. now the aliens are going to abduct a group of girls with our lone wolf among them, they only want one but our lone wolf is not having it and as that girl is willing to go with them in exchange that they don't hurt others our lone wolf snaps and attacks this girl first and then aliens at that time someone unlocks all the doors releasing all the monsters with the 2 overseers arguing who did it as the code had high clearance.. almost like... it was the big boss himself.

finding out from girls that escaped what happened our girls come to conclusion that the infection in our lone wolf did progress and that she's beyond help now with her friend going alone to put her down.

umm my other characters in series don't have names but this 2 actually have xD so friend is Rebecca while lone wolf is Sarah

well there's going to be a verbal confrontation after which Sarah will join the bad guys.. spoiler there was also someone in Sarah's head at this point but not the confrontation pushing her on the path of destruction using her depression saying we are the same these aliens don't know i actually want to destroy everything as living in this world is bad, at the time i believed it was the big boss (should i say it now? this is 11th story revelation. it was actually rival who wanted the project to create super soldier to fail)

anyway wanna know what the inspiration for confrontation was and for names xD just look at facial expressions here I want Sarah to have to same during confrontation

with Sarah now being that super soldier the project was trying to create she's a problem for our girls who believe the infection messed up her mind but they find out why she was such a lone wolf. Her younger brother had an accident where he died when she was a child herself the mother however blamed her and treated her as if she was the one that killed him. one girl now starts suspecting that Sarah was evil this whole time and with her being such a problem she wants to kill her in the past.

which brings me to how do they know about time travel well long before all this i had a fantasy where Rebecca was alone in professors lab and touched something which sent her to the future. now i had no idea what future was this, alien minions had different outfits i had no idea what this was, was it earth did it get invaded. Sarah showed up and defeated them without armor and stared until she said you're from the past and we need to take you back. After she send her back aliens get hit by a strong fire attack and we don't see who's walking to Sarah but then we hear Rebecca's voice saying "you could have killed me just now" and with a evil smirk she replies "oh! i was tempted"

well the professor forbade the use of time travel said it's to dangerous back then but this girl will use it and find out Sarah was not an evil child and that really was an accident she will then remember how Sarah tanked and risked her life in the beginning to protect them and they will come to conclusion that they need to find a way to help her.

the voice in Sarah's head will tell her he has a bomb for her which can destroy all life on earth our girls will show up and Rebecca will have a one on one with Sarah who is too strong so Rebecca will trick her pretending she can't get back up and attack Sarah from the back as she turns to the activation mechanism for the bomb. But Sarah doesn't want to listen and she's still trying to crawl her way to activate the bomb.. it's because she doesn't want to live anymore. She will ask Rebecca to kill her, it's the only way to stop her but Rebecca will say i can't so we will die together as she puts a difrent explosive device on the ground and gives her a hug.

well that's it and i really wasn't expecting it to be such a wall of text wtf lol OMG i can't even proof read this what the.. hopefully i didn't forget anything.. also profesor had a AI just think Zordon and Alpha

i got few surprises for you in story 2 *wink*

for now professor revealed that the bomb was fake and would have killed only Sarah if she activated it which raised the question why would the big boss want to kill the super soldier it wanted to create. the professor who now started to care about this girls leaves on his spaceship so that they never find out about his wolf in disguise side.

[soupzardous]

oh my gosh really!!! i remember, i think a few of mine were like, in love. it was so funny. thats so cool, we have our stuffies in common :0 - c.a.

Mine were absolutely in love. The first was Sparkle who got with Max, then Max also got with Glamour and Cookie. eventually Max’s best friend, Brownie also joined in. Ig they were polyamorous but I was five and just thought they were being silly. Cookie, Glamour, and Sparkle were actually best friends. A packaged deal. They came with me everywhere.

Then was Cocoa who I got for 49¢ in the grocery store clearance bin because I had strep and I required a new stuffed animal to feel better. Cocoa actually is the one I’m most attached to. Cocoa was married to Marshmallow, who I got as a Valentine’s Day gift from my parents. But they didn’t get married until a solid year after I got Marshmallow. They had kids and grandkids until Marshmallow cheated and ran away.

I also had Lapis who got married to Diamond and I remember that was a whole event. All the stuffed animals showed up. There was a big ceremony and reception.

Dill Pickle, one of Cocoa and Marshmallow’s kids, also got married to their best friend named Pablo. Pablo was the son of Nacho. He was a single father. Although later on Nacho did get married to Pinky the Penguin, but Pinky the Penguin left him for Halo. (Halo ended up having an affair with Lime but it didn’t last long since Lime was married to Camila. They decided it was best to end things and stay loyal to their partners. Pinky the Penguin eventually did find out, but thanks to what is technically considered abuse (the church made them do it) they stayed together.)

Dill Pickle and Pablo were actually spies. They sometimes teamed with Isabella, Sparkle, Chico, and Max. Idk why but I was convinced chihuahuas were the best spies. That’s why all the spies were chihuahuas. It probably had something to do with my obsession with the Beverly Hills Chihuahuas movies.

Btw, the Cookie, Glamour, and Sparkle trio had so much drama with Lapis, Jewel, Dr. Pepper/Soda, and Diamond. It was because Glamour was a cheetah and so were Lapis, Jewel, and Dr. Pepper/Soda. Diamond just supported her wife. Diamond was a gray cat. But they were mad at Glamour because she was a cat and she hung out with Cookie and Sparkle who were dogs. Which was a heinous crime in their opinions. There was a whole fight between them.

Sparkle actually got mauled in the face by a dog I was fostering when I was 13 and I was so distraught. She’s missing her nose, her left eye is severely scratched, one ear is partially torn, and stuffing peeks out of the holes in her face. But I coped by saying it was caused in the fight between her and the cats.

There was also this unicorn I got as a gift for being so brave and playing with the other kids at a kids club thing my mom made me try out when I was in second grade. My dad gave her to me at child pick up. Her name was Rainbow. I had two other unicorns I got after that named Glitz and Lucky. The unicorns were pretentious as fuck and had some cult thing going on. Only magical animals were allowed to join. The cool thing about the unicorns was that they had the power to magically switch between being a boy and girl. I thought that was very cool when I came up with it.

Later on Cocoa actually became like. I guess the respected leader of a bunch of the stuffed animals. He was kinda like a father figure to them. He would give them advice and help them solve problems. He was ordained so he could also marry people. And he was the President. He was everything honestly. At one point I’m pretty sure he tried to fall back in love with Marshmallow but it didn’t work out well because she was always late to their dates, was clearly in it for the popularity, and not to mention her wandering eye.

Cocoa eventually found happiness though, when he met Nacho. He and Nacho were both heartbroken when they found each other and they learned how to love again together. They even had a son together named Nacho Jr. And yes. There was mpreg. I didn’t realize mpreg was like. A whole thing I just assumed that was how gay people had kids.

There’s more but this is what went down with my absolute favs. Sorry for infodumping so much I forgot how much I can talk abt this shit

[itsawhumpsideblog]

I'd Rather My Son As He Used To Be, Book 1

Content notes: character injury, Rory actually yells, surgery, bossy girls are wonderful We're finally up to the song that gives us Ted McGrath (and his mom). "Mrs. McGrath" is an early anti-war song with a ton of various covers. In college, I took a class that began with an exercise that required us to write down whatever we knew about Springsteen. The only thing I could come up with was that he had done a cover of "Mrs. McGrath". The next semester, my best friend took the class and gave the same answer, which our professor thought was pretty funny. Listen here: https://youtu.be/5XAhxIIJYdE This version is also very good but doesn't actually include the lyrics I've quoted below: https://youtu.be/mmLlZSzuTwI

"Now if I had me boy again

I'd never let him go to fight the king of Spain

I'd rather my son as he used to be

Than the king of France and your whole navy."

~Mrs. McGrath

Pride was all well and good, but as soon as I had a chance, I grabbed Patrick by the arm and we ran back to the battlefield. It wasn't too hard to trace our path, as focused as we had been on the task before us. Now, we went back across the fields to look for our friends, terrified of what we might see when we did.  

"We've got to find them," Patrick muttered under his breath as we neared the place we remembered fighting. I was terrified for my friends. I was certain I had seen Ted fall, but I had no idea whether Jack and Rory were dead or alive, or if they had been wounded or captured again. We wandered the battlefield among the dead and wounded for almost half an hour before suddenly we heard someone calling our names. The voice was familiar, but I couldn’t place it and when we found the source, I understood why.

It was Rory, who never made a sound above a soft conversational level, screaming our names at the top of his voice. Jack joined him after a second, and my heart jumped. Patrick and I, suddenly fueled by adrenaline, took off in the direction of their voices.

We looked around as we ran, being unusually careful of where we stepped, and at last we saw two figures kneeling on the ground. One of them was bent over, the other kneeling straighter and waving his arms. Jack and Rory- we ran to them and found them leaning over Ted.

When I took a closer look, I nearly vomited. I had definitely seen Ted fall, but I hadn't known at the time how bad it was. He had been wounded by cannon fire and his legs were barely attached to his body anymore. Rory and Jack had made tourniquets out of the strap from Jack's drum and tied them tightly around Ted's legs, above the wounds, but he was still bleeding badly and I couldn’t tell whether he was conscious or not.

"We just found him," Jack explained. "We've only been here maybe fifteen minutes. I don’t know how he's hung on this long," he added in a whisper.

Rory was silent again, bending over Ted, simultaneously trying to stop the bleeding and comfort him.

"Go find a stretcher or a blanket or something," he ordered curtly, and we hurried to obey. The nurse we caught hold of when we arrived at the field hospital looked harassed, but pointed towards a stretcher that was momentarily not in use. We took it with us and ran back to where our friends waited.

Rory looked up, relieved, as we arrived. "Good," he said, again quietly. "I don't think we've got much time."

We lifted Ted onto the stretcher as carefully as we could and then each picked up a corner and hurried back to the field hospital.

Once we got there, it was some time before a surgeon could see Ted. We waited outside the door, gathered around the stretcher which was now stained red with our friend's blood, and grimly kept watch as Ted's life ebbed slowly away.

I was horrified to realize, when we sat down to wait, that he was, in fact, conscious and although he was gritting his teeth tightly, a moan escaped through them every so often. When things began to look bad, Rory would pat his shoulder and murmur some comforting platitude. In the growing dark, I hoped that Ted couldn't see the hopeless look in Rory's eyes. I could, and I had never seen Rory looking so heartsick.

Jack's stomach rebelled at the sights and sounds and, most of all, smells around us and we had only been at the field hospital for a few minutes when he jumped up and ran as carefully as he could, but also as quickly as he could, away from the yard where the wounded lay. I shook my head as I watched him go. Jack and his delicate constitution had no place here, but nevertheless, I deeply respected the effort he put into doing the right thing by his friends and the men he was always detailed to help.

He returned looking pale and a little shaky, but while he had been gone he had also filled his canteen and now he offered some of the water to Ted, who took it gratefully. Jack took up our canteens and went back to the creek to refill them all, and passed them around to any man who wanted it. This job suited him better: it was a manner in which he could be of the utmost use, and yet he could also avoid disgracing himself by his inability to stay in one place for long.

After the longest half hour of my life, a nurse came and told us to take Ted inside to be seen by a surgeon. That hospital, as it looked when we carried Ted in, was the most hellish, terrible place I had ever seen. There was blood everywhere and the floor was covered with dead and dying men. Those who were likely to survive long had been left outside to wait and those who might not live were brought here. To be in this place was both a blessing and a curse for Ted.

We took the stretcher to a table where the surgeon was operating and laid it down. I watched in horror as the surgeon wiped the bloody saw he was holding on the front of his apron, not seeming to notice or care that the metal was no cleaner than it had been just seconds earlier.

"You're going to have to hold him down," the surgeon said, and for no good reason I was struck by the one thought which impressed me the most- that he sounded just like Rory someday would. The surgeon's voice had the same quiet, capable quality that Rory's voice took on in a crisis and his face was set in the same blank, emotionless manner. I also realized that however filthy the surroundings might be, and however horrified I was by the seemingly careless manner in which he used the same saws over and over again, there was no other option either for him or for Ted. What was more, I found myself trusting him, perhaps because he reminded me so strongly of Rory, in whom I had learned time and time again to place my trust.

We held Ted still on the table. Rory insisted on being the one to hold his shoulders still, and Patrick and I each held one arm. Jack had needed to stay outdoors, for which none of us blamed him and, knowing Jack, was probably still delivering water.

The surgeon administered laudanum before the surgery, and for that I was especially grateful to him. He gave it just a moment for the drug to take effect, which it did surprisingly quickly, while he checked on another patient who had been screaming since we walked in.

Having drugged the man, the doctor came back to us and wiped that disgusting saw again on his apron. Nodding to us to hold Ted still, he began to cut Ted's trousers away and finally threw what was left of the blood soaked cloth out the window where, I later learned, it came to rest on an already huge pile of ruined, bloody clothing and limbs.

The surgeon then examined Ted's legs and I had to look away. I searched Patrick's face, and then Rory's. Patrick had his eyes almost squeezed shut and he was hanging on tightly to Ted's arm to keep him still. Rory, as I had known he would, looked as unemotional as the surgeon and was talking softly to Ted. Even though he was drugged, Ted was still trying to move around, and whether or not he could feel the surgeon probing at the wounds he was obviously frightened. We held on tightly and I wanted desperately for the ordeal to be over.

I looked up when I heard the surgeon sigh, and I knew from the look on his face that it wasn't going to be good news. He looked, to my surprise, more disappointed and sad than annoyed, which was the expression I had expected from the tone of that sigh.

"I'm going to have to amputate his legs," he said in a dispassionate voice, and then added, "Be sure to hold him still. This is a tricky business." The surgeon straightened and looked around briefly, and then called, "Nurse!"

A woman hurried over, pushing her hair out of her eyes with one bloody hand and leaving a red streak across her face. I didn't realize that I was staring until I looked away.

"Bring some bandages, and please hurry," the surgeon said, "I'm going to have to amputate this boy's legs and there won't be much time to patch him up after." The nurse nodded grimly and hurried away.

The surgeon turned back to Ted and readied his saw. He studied the wounds just briefly, and then began to cut. As he did so, Ted screamed and began to beg the surgeon not to do it.

"Patrick, hold his shoulder," Rory instructed over the yelling, and Patrick moved to do so. As soon as Ted was being held down properly, Rory lifted one hand and began to smooth Ted's hair back from his sweating forehead.

"Shh," he whispered, leaning right close so that Ted could hear him. "You'll be fine, laddie. We're here, we'll make sure you're all right. It'll all be over soon. Not long now, truly there isn't. Sure, and he's nearly finished and then he'll patch you up and they'll be sending you back to New York any day now…" he talked on and on, saying nothing important but keeping Ted still and as distracted as he could until at last the mild sound of the surgeon's knife being set on the table jerked me out of the mental retreat in which I had been holding myself.

At some point in the last couple of minutes- for it had been no longer than that, although I remembered every fraction of a second as though it had taken an hour- the nurse had returned with clean bandages. The surgeon was deftly sewing the wounds closed and the nurse was bandaging them. I almost relaxed my hold on Ted's arm and shoulder, but Rory poked me with his free hand.

"Steady, now," he muttered and I nodded. Trying still to remove my mind from that awful place, I noticed every little insignificant detail; that my chin itched, that I had bruised my knee and that the edge of the table was poking me in the ribs. I shook my head, trying to focus, but could not stop my mind from careening giddily from topic to insignificant topic.

At last the doctor was straightening up and Ted had, to both my relief and great worry, fainted. I shook my arms out and realized that I was trembling.

"Your best hope," the surgeon said to us, "is to take him into town. We've had several families come here and offer to take in some of the wounded." He looked around for a second, as though to make sure nobody was listening, and then leaned in closer to us. "Most of these men don't have a chance," he said quietly. "I think your friend may, if only he can get care and rest. Send word to your officers, if you can, and then take him to this address." He gave us a small piece of paper on which, in a woman's hand, was written a street and house number. The surgeon pointed us in the direction of town and told us to go.

We couldn't afford to wait. Once we were through the door, we called for Jack and left. After distributing the last of the water, Jack caught up with us at a run and took one of the handles of the stretcher from Rory.

"Sorry," he muttered, not looking us in the eye, but Rory reached over and clasped Jack's shoulder.

"There was nothing you could have done," he said and Jack nodded. I hoped he believed it.

It was a long walk before we reached the town. Ted woke on the way and asked for water. The way he gripped the sides of the stretcher and the look on his face in what little light there was showed me that the laudanum was beginning to wear off. We all noticed this and hurried on.

When at last we began to see houses, it was in the early hours of the morning. The sun would soon be coming up and yet I realized that I wasn't tired. I was still running on the adrenaline that kept me going on the battlefield and I realized that as soon as exhaustion hit, it was going to hit hard.

I was a little relieved to see that we were far from the only soldiers in that town. Although there were certainly people who actually lived there, I saw only a few of them about, gathering water or starting off someplace. More than once, I saw doors opened to take in the soldiers who had brought their wounded friends to the town in hopes of finding the care they could not yet get from the surgeons who, as we well knew, had their hands full.

Once I had located Fletcher Street, per the instructions on the paper, we had to find house number 12, which Jack ran ahead to do. It turned out to be a fine brick house set back from the street and surrounded by a whitewashed picket fence. There was a garden out front and a porch in front of the house. Jack held the gate as we carried Ted up to the door, and when we got there, all four of us paused for a moment, nervous about knocking.

"They've got to be nice," Jack finally piped up, "if they sent to the surgeon all that ways away." This was so and with that thought in mind, Patrick handed his end of the stretcher to me and knocked on the door.

We were waiting with baited breath as we heard footsteps moving quickly through the house. After just a moment, the door was opened by a young woman in a red dress. Her dark hair was as neat as though she had been preparing for company and to my relief she was dressed for the day already. Somehow, she didn't even look tired, although I found out later that she had been up most of the night.

"The surgeon from the field hospital sent you," she guessed and we nodded in unison.

"Come on in," she said and moved back to allow us to enter. I was a little afraid to do so and to muck up her floors. The house was perfectly spick and span, and I felt particularly dirty in comparison.

"Bring him this way," the girl continued, and added as we followed her, "My name's Alice Walker. This is Mrs. Henderson," she indicated an older woman who was similarly prepared for our arrival and who smiled at us in the most comfortable, grandmotherly way we could imagine. "If you just bring your friend back here, we'll get him cleaned up and then we can put him to bed. He'll be more comfortable if he can get out of that uniform. Don't be shy about it, either." As we lay the stretcher on what might once have been used as a kitchen table, she smiled at us and Mrs. Henderson added,

"I've got four boys of my own, and Alice here isn't shy about anything, as I’m sure you might have guessed. What's your friend's name, by the way?" she asked.

"Ted McGrath," Patrick answered.

"Hello, Ted," Mrs. Henderson said as she scrubbed his hands and I smiled in spite of myself, feeling as though everything would be all right as long as these women were in charge. Rory and Patrick and Jack seemed to have relaxed, as I had, and I realized that, now that matters were being taken care of for us and we didn't need to worry anymore, we were all yawning and rubbing at our eyes.  

The ladies who had taken us in talked as they worked, and in no time at all they had Ted's jacket off and were working on his shirt. When he was in just his drawers, Alice drew a large bucket of water off of the fire and set it next to the table. Mrs. Henderson directed Rory to hand her a couple of rags which had been drying by the fire- they were bloodstained but had apparently been washed since their last use- and they dipped the rags in the warm water and began to bathe Ted.

He had gone quiet and his eyes were closed so that we couldn't tell whether or not he was awake. When they had cleaned him off pretty well, Alice disappeared towards the front of the house and, by the sound of it, up a flight of stairs as Mrs. Henderson turned towards us.

"All right, boys," she said, "help me remove your friend's drawers, please." We looked a little shocked and she laughed and reminded us, "Four sons, and I doubt he's got anything I haven't seen before." I felt myself turning a little red, but we helped her get Ted's drawers off and then Alice returned and threw a clean nightshirt in at such an angle that it hit me in the chest. I was doubly impressed by this when I turned to see that she was looking towards the front door- out of the room- so as to preserve the modesty of all involved. I passed the nightshirt on to Mrs. Henderson, who was laughing at Alice, and Rory helped her dress Ted.

"Now, I'm afraid we've got to change these bandages and clean the wounds before we let him go to bed," Mrs. Henderson told us more grimly. "It's certainly not going to be any fun for the poor young man, but it'll be worse if gangrene sets in and this way perhaps we can at least send him home alive."

Alice had returned, no longer smiling, and she put a folded blanket like a pillow under Ted's head.

"Will you be ready to hold him, please?" she asked us, and we nodded sadly and stood as we had while the surgeon had been working. Ted was silent- definitely unconscious- but I had to look away again.

When the ladies were finally finished, they bandaged him again in clean linen and we relaxed a bit.

"All right, then," Alice said, sounding downright cheerful, "Now you can take him upstairs and put him to bed." We picked Ted up as gently as we could and managed somehow to carry him up the stairs after Alice, who led us down a very short hallway and into the room at the end of it.

In the room there were two beds- a young man with bandages around his head was asleep or unconscious in the one on the right, and so Alice peeled back the blankets of the unoccupied bed and, when we lay Ted in it, tucked them around his shoulders again.

"There," she whispered. "Why don't you three come downstairs and let him sleep a bit? He'll be fine for the little bit of time he's alone. Mrs. Henderson's gone to clean up in the kitchen, but she'll come back up here and check on him and Roger-" she pointed to the boy in the other bed, "-when she's done."

There was probably no arguing with Alice, I thought to myself; she seemed like that kind of girl. The offer of rest was so appealing to us, though, that we didn't care to try and we willingly followed her back downstairs into a sort of sitting room.

I was marveling at everything I saw. I had never been in a home so nice, and yet Alice clearly took it all for granted.

When we had gotten to the sitting room, Alice motioned to the chairs.

"Sit," she said, "Rest. You've earned it." We nodded but were embarrassed to sit down on such nice furniture in our condition. We were looking at each other awkwardly when Mrs. Henderson called in from the kitchen,

"Alice, dear, perhaps these gentlemen would like to wash up a bit first, and maybe eat something."

"Oh, right," Alice remembered, with no trace of embarrassment. "All right, why don't you come this way and you can freshen up." We followed her wearily into the kitchen where she directed us to warm water, soap, and cloths. Then, Mrs. Henderson took Alice by the elbow and steered her out of the room, closing the door behind them. We were just finishing up scrubbing our faces and hair when the door opened just enough to admit a few large, ill-fitting sets of clothes.

Mrs. Henderson's voice followed them: "Those used to belong to my boys. See if you can use them, then you'll have something to sleep in." We looked around at each other in amazement, and shrugged.

"I suppose she means it," Patrick laughed, smiling through a yawn, and we stripped completely. I felt stranger than I ever had in my life and very embarrassed to be naked in a lady's home, and when I pointed this out to my friends, Jack laughed.

"I'm not so sure I mind," he said in a low voice and then ducked as Patrick hit him with the cloth, spraying water. Rory snorted and shook his head and I'm sure that I colored just the shade of red that Jack had been aiming for. It was nice, though, for things to go normally for a little while.

It was probably half an hour before we all got ourselves properly cleaned up, but when we finally dressed in the pants and shirts and socks that Mrs. Henderson had left, we tried to tidy the room up a little and at last opened the door.

As I might have expected, Alice was waiting for us in the parlor and she beamed when we came sheepishly into the room to be inspected.

"You look like entirely different people!" she told us. "Now do you think you can sit down and rest a little bit? I'll go make up some sandwiches and maybe a pot of coffee. You all look like you could use something to eat." She bustled off.

"My God does that lass talk," Patrick yawned, but he was grinning. He leaned back, lounging freely against the fine furniture on which the rest of us were merely perching and stretched his arms out. Rory had to duck, but he was grinning and we had all relaxed by the time Alice came back just a few minutes later.

"Here you go," she said, setting down a well laden tray on the table in the middle of the room. She left the room once again and returned with a second tray on which sat several cups and a pot of tea.

"We don't have any coffee," she explained. "But this should be just as good. Please, eat." We dug hungrily into the bread and jam she had provided and drank the tea.

After a few minutes of silence, Alice asked, with a twinkle in her eye, "Do any of you have names?"

"Sure, we do," Patrick laughed, and then fell silent again. Alice smiled, and I saw that she appreciated anyone who could beat her at her own game.

"Are you going to tell me what they are?" she prodded, and Patrick relented.

"I'm Patrick Murphy," he said in his charming way. She was obviously won over by him, as girls often were. It occurred to me now that I got a better look at her that she was our own age. I had assumed her to be at least as old as Maura, but she wasn't; her bossiness just made her appear to be more the adult than we were.

"How about you?" Alice was saying to Jack, who began chewing very fast, swallowed hard and choked for a second before attempting a seated bow and saying,

"Jack Lynch, miss. Pleased to meet you."

"Good to meet you, Mr. Lynch," Alice said, smirking a little as Jack swigged tea to wash down the sandwich, and she turned her gaze on Rory. He blushed and ducked his head, but said in his soft voice,

"Rory Coleman, miss. We're obliged to you entirely for having us here."

"It's nothing, sweetheart," she said, smiling kindly at him. "I'm happy to do it. My parents are visiting my Aunt in Boston, you know, and they told me that I could do whatever I wished as long as Mrs. Henderson approved- she's our neighbor, she lives across the street- and when I heard there had been a battle I longed to do something. Then when Roger was wounded he came here- he's the other boy sleeping upstairs, he's Mrs. Henderson's son and he's going to marry me when the war's over- and when his friends returned we sent a note for the surgeon that he was to send some boy here." We nodded, still absorbing all that she had said. We were so tired that everything was beginning to move in slow motion, almost as though we were only spectators and not participants.

"So," she continued, "We've been up all night looking after Roger and waiting for somebody else to show up and here you are." Then she seemed to remember that she hadn't asked my name. "I'm so sorry," she said, "I didn't even give you a chance, did I?"

"I’m Micheál," I said. "Micheál O'Suilleabhain." I had wanted to give my name in English, but I knew the kind of teasing I would get from the other boys and I was just too tired for that. Alice, of course, was fascinated.

"That's a beautiful name!" she said. "How do you spell it?" Once I had told her and explained that there was an English equivalent, that to Americans I was just plain Michael O'Sullivan, she made me write my name down, in the original Irish.

"So you're all Irish, then?" she asked, looking around at us as though our accents didn't instantly give us away. We nodded, amused that she had asked, and she plunged right back into conversation.

"How interesting! And you have such beautiful accents. There was a family in our town a few years ago-" she was saying when she was cut off by Mrs. Henderson's voice. None of us, including Alice, had heard her come back downstairs and Jack, who was dozing off in an armchair, jumped when she spoke.

"Alice, dear," Mrs. Henderson suggested, "the boys have finished eating. Why don't you take them across to my house and let them get some sleep. The boys' room should be just fine- it certainly has enough beds, even if it is a little cramped. There'll be nightshirts in the chest of drawers, and then," she turned her attention back to us, "you can change back into these clothes when you wake up."

We nodded sleepily and followed Alice to the door.

"Poor boys," Mrs. Henderson clucked, and she gave us each a hug as we went out into the yard. I smiled, and thought of my own Mother and sisters. I hoped they were doing well, and that I could write a letter that would reach them before the news of the battle.

We followed Alice across Fletcher Street, though another gate and up to the door of a smaller house that was apparently where Mrs. Henderson lived. Alice unlocked the door and took us upstairs.

"Mrs. Henderson said there should be nightshirts in there for you," she said when we had ascended the stairs and made our way into the room where Mrs. Henderson's sons had once slept. I wondered where they all were now, apart from Roger who had been wounded and made his way home.

Alice closed the door and gave us time to dress and get into bed, and when we had she opened it again, to my surprise, and went to each of us, tucking the blankets securely around our shoulders.

"Sleep well," she said brightly. "I'll come back over to check on you by and by, and if you wake up and I'm not here you can just come back across the street and let yourselves in."

I was asleep in minutes, and as I was drifting off I could already hear the soft sound of snoring that I recognized from so many nights in camp. Somebody had actually managed to fall asleep before me, I realized, and it was the last thing I thought for a long time.

I woke in the very late afternoon which, along with the fact that I was clearly not in a tent, confused me. I lay in the bed for several minutes as the horrors of the previous day came flooding back to my mind. I remembered the battle first, and then I recalled what had happened to Ted and I sighed deeply.

"Micheál? That you?" came Patrick's voice. I turned over to see him still lying in bed, though he was clearly awake, with his hands clasped behind his head.

"Sure it is. I don't think I ever want to get out of this bed," I murmured, burrowing in deeper and hugging the pillow.

"Wonder how Ted's doing," he mused and I was suddenly awake.

"Good question," I replied. "Are Jack and Rory still here?"

He nodded. "And still sleeping. Do you want to wait for them?"

"Yes. Anything to stay in this glorious bed."

Patrick just laughed and without meaning to I drifted off again.

I woke not terribly long after, which I knew because it was still light out. Patrick was obviously awake again, or possibly still, and was talking to Jack. When I opened my eyes and sat up, every muscle in my body protesting, I saw that Rory was not only awake but also dressed and sitting on the edge of his bed.

"We're going to go see Ted when you three lazybones get dressed," he told me, smiling, and I hurried to put on my borrowed clothing.

We went back across Fletcher Street, taking a good look around to see how it all appeared in the light, and went through the same picket fence and up the same lane to the house we had entered that morning.

"Good evening, sleepyheads," Alice called from the kitchen as we let ourselves in through the front door.

"Good evening, Alice," we chorused, smiling in spite of our worry for Ted. We went back to find her kneading bread dough.

"Your friend is doing just fine," Alice assured us right away, and I felt better immediately upon hearing it. "He was awake for just a little bit a few hours ago, and Mrs. Henderson says there's no fever, which is good news. Would you like to go see him?"

"If you think it would be all right," I said, and Alice nodded. She put down the dough and wiped her hands on her apron.

"Of course. Come on upstairs. I'll see if Roger's awake, first," she said as she went up to the second floor.

Roger was awake and talking to his mother, who turned and smiled at us as we entered. We greeted her, but in a distracted fashion and we went immediately to Ted's bedside.

He was awake, but I had never seen somebody who looked so bad. Ted was whiter than flour and looked like he was having trouble focusing. We tried to keep the conversation simple.

"Good to see you, Ted," Jack said a little shyly, trying his best to sound normal. Ted attempted a smile but said nothing.

"How is it?" Patrick asked, his face covered in worry.

"Bad," Ted mumbled.

"Anything we can do?"

"You've done it," Ted told him. His voice trailed off into a whisper at the end. He closed his eyes.

Rory shook his head sadly, and Jack looked over at Alice and Mrs. Henderson, worried. Alice smiled encouragingly and walked over to us.

"Why don't you come sit down with us?" she suggested in a whisper. "He'll be sleeping a lot for the next few days, I expect, but it's nothing to worry about."

"He'll pull through," Mrs. Henderson said encouragingly. "You'll see." We went over and sat down on the floor near the other bed.

"Boys, this is Roger, my son," Mrs. Henderson introduced us, looking fondly at her boy. "Little one, this is Patrick, Jack, Rory and Micheál." She stumbled a little over my name, but it came out all right and Patrick nodded approvingly.

"Mo-ther!" Roger protested, laughing a little at the way she addressed him, but he grinned at us. "Good to meet you all. Sorry about your friend."

We thanked him. "You were wounded at Antietam yesterday?" Patrick asked. Roger started to nod and then stopped, wincing.

"Yes, but it isn't bad. I'm just dizzy, mostly," he explained. "I don't think it's worth my discharge, if I can still walk a straight line." He laughed. "I half hope I can't. I enlisted back in '61 and I've had about enough." We laughed, understanding completely.

The next day, Ted was awake for a little while, and the day after that, he was awake almost all afternoon. We had sent Jack to Sgt. O'Malley with word that we would be staying with Ted for a little while, and we had received his blessing to stay until Ted could be sent home.

That third day, though, was the first that Ted was really himself again. We didn't have to tell him what had happened. He looked down at the end of the bed and understood, and sighed deeply.

"Will you write to my mother?" he asked, before we even got a chance to ask him how he was doing.

"I'll write her, lad," Patrick said comfortingly and Ted looked relieved.

"How are you?" I asked.

Ted's eyes wandered to the spot on the bed where his legs stopped and he raised an eyebrow at me. I grinned in spite of myself and covered my mouth with one hand, feeling guilty. Fortunately, Ted grinned, too, and shrugged.

"Dumb question," I guessed.

"Nice of you to ask, though," he said and we finally relaxed. Ted wasn't up for much talking that day, but he wanted to hear everything that had happened since the battle, including all the details. He couldn't remember much since Jack and Rory had found him, and we told him the story of the last few days. He kept looking over at Alice and Mrs. Henderson, who he remembered only vaguely, and finally they came over to say hello.

"It's so good to see you awake, dear," Mrs. Henderson said, patting his head. "I'm Mrs. Henderson, and this is Alice- she lives here."

"Thank you for taking me in," Ted said roughly, and Mrs. Henderson beamed at him, plumping his pillow and pulling the blankets smooth.

"It's nothing," Alice told him, waving the gratitude away. Ted looked curiously over at the other bed in the room, where Roger was sitting up with a book in his lap. He waved cheerily.

"I'm Roger- her son," he said, pointing at Mrs. Henderson.

"Good to meet you, Roger," Ted smiled, yawning. "What happened to you?"

"Same thing that happened to you, I guess," Roger laughed. "The battle. I knew I was close to home- I had my friends bring me here."

"Lucky you," I said gloomily, glancing over at Ted, who had closed his eyes. "We'll have to find a way to get him back to New York."

"Don't think of that, yet," Mrs. Henderson told me. "We'll be in touch with your officers when Ted seems well enough, and we'll make sure he gets home safe."

We wrote a letter to Ted's mother the next day, Ted dictating while I wrote.

"Dear Mother," he began and stopped short. He was silent for a long time, and then slowly continued, "I want to let you know that we were in battle a few days ago and I was wounded. It is pretty bad, and the army will send me home soon. Right now I'm staying with a nice lady and her neighbor near the town where the battle was." He paused again, thinking hard. "Do not worry about me," he finished. "I'll write to you again soon. Love from your son, Ted." With that, Ted turned away from us and we took the hint and left him alone.

Rory had been watching over my shoulder as I wrote and after a moment, he said, "Micheál, will you teach me to write someday?"

"Sure, I will," I said. "Do you want to start now?" But before we could get going, Alice called up the stairs for someone to go fetch a few buckets of water and we went to do that instead. It wasn't until later that I realized how deeply disappointed Rory had looked.

We were lucky enough to stay in Mrs. Henderson's home for quite a while: our brigade wasn't going anywhere fast and our officers appeared to pull a few strings in order to get us leave to stay with Ted. It was nearly a week before word was finally sent to us to come back to the army.

We spent one more night in Mrs. Henderson's house and before we finally left to return to our regiment, Alice packed our haversacks full of all the bread she could bake, and all the food she could find to send with us. I was sorry to go; being in that home, despite the reality that had brought us there, had made the war seem so far away. I no longer wanted to fight. I wanted never to spend another day at drill, never to wake to the bugle's call, never wanted to see another of my friends shot down, and the longer we stayed, the more likely it was that I would live that nightmare again.

Next

Masterpost

[jannaryca]

“The Beginning of Janna’s Journey”

Hi, My name is Janna Ryca Dicdican. 17 years old, a senior high school student from ABM strand and this is the story of my life. When i was a kid, i can say that that was one of the best moments of my life. My life back then was just filled with joy and laughter, i used to think that my family was perfect. I used to be very close with my dad and he always take me to his work, he used to be a family/company driver. My mother had to do all kind of jobs to raise me and my 6 siblings. Being a kid, I have seen my parents hardships and suffering just to be able to give us a good life not a perfect life because we went through a lot of problems. Growing up i have realized that life wasn’t perfect, it is sometimes cruel and unfair. I have seen my parents argue and fought just because of money, i have realized that my parents have been struggling to provide us our needs and to send us to school. It always happens again and again and I think i just got used to it. Our house is always so loud even if it’s just early in the morning, you can hear my siblings arguing and fighting, It’s a normal day for my family. When i was in kindergarten my mom used to take me to school everyday, she brings me snacks and pick me up until she got pregnant and from then, it was my older brother that i was with to school and i have learned how to wash my uniform without my mother since she’s busy with her work and with our youngest sibling. When i was in 5th grade,me and my older brother was in charge of taking my two younger siblings to school and taking care of them making sure they’re safe because my mother wasn’t around. Me and my older brother took the place of my mother and father but before, my father used to send me to school with his bike since the school was just near our house. I never cried at school when i was in kindergarten and I always just stare at these kids while they’re crying because their parents had to go. I have realized that i was never a type of kid that cries easily and It was hard for me to show my emotions. Even though i seemed strong and brave on the outside, i was just a kid. My brother was the only one I could rely on. when i feel like everything is too much for me, i cry in front of my brother because it’s the only time where i feel like it’s okay to be vulnerable because whatever happens he’s going to protect me because im his sister even though sometimes he gets mad because he hates seeing my cry. I knew he was strong but deep inside he was just a kid just like me who needs someone to rely on.

Time flies so fast and now i am finally in high school, i still remember the feeling of excitement to go to school. Everything was new to me, i have met a lot of new people and reunited with old friends. The first day was hard since I wasn’t familiar with the place and i had to make a lot of adjustments because elementary days is very different to High school life. Me and my best friend kat was always together ever since we were little, she was always so bright that helped me through my dark moments in life. We were always together doing crazy stuffs and doing everything together. When we went to high school together I immediately saw this guy who caught my eye. I think he was my first love in high school that up until this day i still admire him. I saw him when me and kay were going to the canteen to buy food, he was in a class and he caught my eye, there’s something about him that just caught my attention. I asked kat if he knew this guy and it turned out that he’s name is jc and he was a close friend of kat’s older brother. From that moment, my boring high school life just became really exciting for me. Everyday I would always look for him secretly and it is so annoying because this guy rarely gets out of their classroom. He’s always either at the library or in the fourth floor doing chess. He was my type, tall, handsome, smart and rarely talks at all. I even joined the Girl Scout when I found out he was a commander of Boy Scouts in our school. Im always excited when we do formation after school because it’s the only time where i get to see him finally. I have done a lot of stupid things because of him but I don’t know if he ever noticed me and we never even talked or had a conversation, i added him on Facebook and he accepted my friend request so i took my shot and messaged him but he never replied. Then I found out that he’s already in a relationship and i saw them and they looked great together, they’re the perfect match and I realized he was out of my league. I was still young back then but I knew i had to stop liking him since he’s already had a girlfriend but I still admired him and supported him silently. Finally i have graduated from high school and I never saw him again after that. High school was really fun for me.

I am now a senior high school student, a lot have changed in my life. I have also learned a lot from my mistakes in the past. Senior high school life is about to end, I am so proud of myself for making it this far. For surviving and moving forward even if it feels heavy sometimes. It was never easy but i know this is just the start of my journey to becoming the best version of myself and achieving my goals and dreams. I always think that life isn’t perfect because nothing is perfect even me because life isn’t about finding yourself but rather creating yourself. You sculpt the person you want to be everyday. Once again this is me Janna and this is just the beginning of my journey.

[teenmomcentral]

To borrow a bit of parlance from another MTV stalwart, Cheyenne Floyd has discovered what happens when people stop being polite and start getting far too real. 

Because for the star of Teen Mom: The Next Chapter (Wednesdays, 8 p.m.) her detractors don't just come for her in the comments of her Instagram posts. "I've had people show up to my house mad about things," she revealed in an exclusive interview with E! News. "I've had letters. I've had people calling my daughter's school." 

And while those very over the top and not at all appropriate reactions "makes it really tough" for her to broach more serious topics like racial injustice on the show, she admitted, she intends to keep pushing forward. 

"There's so much more love than hate," she explained, noting she's had so many people "who will message me like, 'I heard what you said. And I just want you to know I see you.' Or, 'I have a biracial child and I didn't know how to have that conversation. So thanks for having it so now I know how to have it with my child.' And it makes it worth it."

Besides, noted the mom to 6-year-old Ryder and 2-year-old son Ace, "I feel like we can do anything and someone will always have an opinion and I just have to remember that and just stick to who I am."

She also recalls the message her parents gave her when MTV first came calling in 2018. 

Already a network vet with appearances on Are You the One? and The Challenge (where she met Cory Wharton, Ryder's dad), Cheyenne felt like she'd "just been given an opportunity to be on a platform that has such a broad audience," the 30-year-old explained. "And when I decided to join Teen Mom, my parents sat me down, and were like, 'Take advantage of this opportunity. Don't waste it. Show us in a positive light. Show how beautiful Black families can be, and talk about it.'"

So, yes, she's going to address, for example, feeling uncomfortable about spying more Confederate flags than Black people during the cast's getaway to Florida last season. 

"I walk into a room, I find the exits, I see where my escape route is because I can see who's around me," she explained during a mid-trip phone call to her dad. "But, once again, the other girls, you don't notice it because you don't even have to look for it."

In moments like those, Cheyenne told E!, she finds herself gravitating to costar Maci Bookout. 

"Maci and I have had so many talks with each other and I've learned so much about her and she's learned so much about me," she revealed. "We're breaking these walls. And I feel like we have such an open relationship where I can go to Maci and ask her something where maybe if I asked someone else they would get offended. And I think same thing for her to me. And knowing that, that's enough for me." 

And, ultimately, noted Cheyenne, she's grateful to be able to show more than just her photogenic fam. "I really appreciate what the show has given me," she said, "and the platform that it's put me on to be able to have those uncomfortable conversations."

Though she's happy to show her beautiful family as well. 

Set to mark her first anniversary with husband Zach Davis in September, "We just have a really strong foundation," she noted of their years-long friends-to-partners relationship. 

While she credits their "strong village" of family members eager for them to succeed, at the end of the day, they just really enjoy being around one another. "The other day, I looked at my mom and I said, 'I really like him like, I really do,'" she shared. "And I feel like that's the best part. We were friends before and a huge part of our relationship is our friendship."

And now, she continued, "We're married. It's a good feeling." 

[messers-moony]

My Everything | S.B

Paring: Sirius Black X Wife!Reader

Summary: When five marauders goes to two within the instance of a day. Two children are left without fathers and a wife is left without a husband.

Request: Sirius Black x Wife!reader reuniting and she's Remus sister

A/N: My first Harry Potter request. I got so excited to see this in my inbox and I hope it isn’t the last :)

Perhaps it was the feeling of betrayal she felt when he was finally gone. The fact that everything he’d ever said was a lie. She couldn’t help but think maybe his vows were a lie too. The five Marauders were now two. Only two left. How did this even happen? 

The unbreakable group of five. James Potter, the so-called leader of them all. The mom friend who always made sure everyone was okay and cared for. Sirius Black, the second in command. The mischievous, charismatic troublemaker who was always in detention. Peter Pettigrew, the outcast of them all. The shy and naive boy who gave them all a sense of logic. Remus Lupin, the intelligent and solace of them all. The only boy smart enough not to get caught. Y/n Lupin, the creative and sneaky one. The only one who could sneak and out of the Potions cabinet without Slughorn noticing. 

Now it was just the Lupin twins who, as Sirius called them, the “Linking Lupins.” It was hard in the beginning. First-year was difficult. All they had was each other. Lyall hadn’t really been accepting in the first place, but Hope was always blissfully unaware of her son's problem. All she knew was that he had to go away once a month. Lyall cursed himself out every night that Remus went away, cursing himself for letting this happen to his son. 

The cries of his baby girl begging for her brother. The wails of Y/n pleading for Remus not to go away. Not wanting to let go of him, hearing Remus from inside the room in the basement begging to be let out. Sobbing, crying for his mum or his dad to let him out, praying that the wolf doesn’t take over. Whimpering at how much it hurts the way his bones dislocate and relocate back together in a new way. 

So yeah, first year was challenging. But Dumbledore had a safe place for him to go every evening of the full moon, and Y/n would be there when he woke up every time. Remus relished in the way her hands felt in his. They were so soft compared to his calloused ones. So gentle compared to his often rough movements. Small compared to big. She was everything he wasn’t, and he was happy about that. 

James Potter was the first to talk to them with his flamboyant nature. His eyes were the lightest of browns with spotted glittering green. His smile was perfect and straight. How could someone’s smile be that way at the ripe age of eleven? Despite his aura screaming, “I’m the popular kid, and you’re the loser,” he was actually quite nice. 

Upon looking at James, the Lupin twins both thought of trouble. They remembered the popular kids from their muggle school before this one, how they used to belittle Remus for his scars and how Y/n used to push them away. So, forgive them for being a little cautious around him. It didn’t help that James’ counterpart was the opposite of them both. 

Sirius Black, lanky and confident. This boy had no boundaries and absolutely no limits. If he wanted it, he was going to get it. His eyes were the purest iron, and his smile was white like quartz. Hair black as coal and personality as gregarious as the color wheel. His style was toned back, but his character could’ve put the color wheel to shame with how bright he was. Sirius Black could’ve been the antonym to Remus and Y/n Lupin. 

During second year they found another boy who was being beaten by Slytherins for his scarlet and golden robes. He was stocky, and it seems that he was pretty timid. His blond hair was disheveled, and his blue eyes full of fright. Y/n had stepped in front of him just like she had Remus from the bullies back in muggle school. Her wand was held tight in her grip as she stared at them. 

“What are you gonna do, Loony Lupin?” One of them snarled. 

“Aguamenti.” 

The Slytherins were now covered in water. Damp like they had all taken a shower with their clothes on. Their black robes turned a shade darker. The evergreen accents turned olive, and the silver turned into grey. The main Slytherin boy gritted his teeth, and his icy eyes stared into Y/n’s e/c ones. 

“You’ll pay for that.”

Y/n pocketed her wand in her robes, smiling sweetly, “I’m sure I will. Now, run along before I do something worse.”

They didn’t want to obey, but they also didn’t want to stay in that situation. The Slytherins scurried off like dogs following their owner's command. Y/n fixed her hair with her hand and turned around. She was offering her soft hand to the boy who was frozen, shocked, staring at her. Hesitantly he gripped her hand, allowing her to pull him up. She was only slightly shorter than him. 

“Y/n Lupin.” She introduced, “You are?”

“Pe- Peter Pettigrew.”

Y/n bowed playfully, “Pleasure to make your acquaintance, Peter.” 

“Pleasure.” Peter muttered shyly as her group of friends approached. 

Remus swung an arm around her shoulders, “You’re bloody brilliant, you know?”

“Our star.” Sirius swooned jokingly as Y/n punched his shoulder, causing him to pout, “Who’s this?” James queried, looking at Peter, who cowered under the hazel-eyed gaze. 

“Boys,” Y/n smiled brightly, “This is our new member of the Marauders. Peter Pettigrew.”

Peter fiddled with his hands anxiously, “New- New member?”

“Mhm!” Y/n hummed, “You’re our new addition.”

James smiled, “Any friend of Y/n’s is a friend of ours. Welcome, Peter.”

From then it went from four to five. Peter never really stopped thanking them for letting him in. For the first time, Peter felt at home, and it was thanks to Y/n. He realized how kind she was, how creative she was. It was so strange. The group was so different, like extraordinarily diverse, yet they worked together so well. Y/n and Remus seemed to be the brains of things. James and Sirius seemed to be the trouble makers. Peter just did his own thing but always contributed. 

In fifth year Remus started to worry. Everyone was so secretive. They stopped hanging around as much, even his sister. It hurt. It really hurt to see them seeking around on the map that he and Y/n created together for the most part. It wasn’t until during the winter break did Y/n finally realize what they were doing affected them. 

Remus barely cried. Or at least that’s what people made it out to seem. Remus actually cried a decent amount. He was snuggled up in his room. His blanket encasing him, and his arms held around his pillow tightly, gripping it as if it’d leave him like he felt everyone else was. His heart felt broken. Y/n was outside his door, hearing his soft cries, and gently knocked on the door. 

“Rem. Can I come in, please?”

He didn’t say anything, so she just let herself in. The door closed behind her with a click, and she saw her tall brother curled up into the tightest ball with silver streams on his cheeks. Y/n sat in front of him and rubbed the side of his arm. Remus’ eyes continue to release water like a dam that had been broken. He couldn’t swallow it no matter how hard he tried. 

“What’s wrong, Rem?”

Remus didn’t say anything. He just dug his head deeper into the pillow he was holding. Y/n’s hand made its way to his sandy-colored hair. She was scratching at the scalp and smoothing his hair away from his face keeping the strands from getting wet. Her hand hesitantly reached his cheek and wiped away the tears that kept falling. 

She sighed, “Remus, please.”

“You’re- you’re gon’ leave me, aren’ you.” Remus choked. 

“Leave you?” Y/n questioned softly, afraid if she raised her voice any more, it’d make things worse, “I wouldn’t leave you if I was given a chance, Remmy.”

He sniffled, “You- you haven’ been a- around.”

“I know.” Y/n soothed, caressing his cheek, “But there’s an explanation for it. James, Sirius, Peter, and I have been distant. We know that. But there’s a reason for it. You’ll find out soon.”

Remus’ eyes met his sister's warm e/c ones, “Please don’t leave me.”

“Never.” 

He smiled gently. The corners of his lips barely curled, but she knew it was there. Remus had fallen asleep with his sister's hand in his hair. When she was sure he was sleeping, Y/n left the bedroom, allowing him to sleep peacefully. Then she wrote a letter to James where she knew Sirius was staying too. 

One more week, Y/n thought. One more week of this Mandrake leaf in their mouths until they could be done with this. 

It took another month before it was ready. Before they were ready. They were in Moaning Myrtle’s bathroom when they started. James started first. When he turned into a stag, they all began laughing. James turned back, pouting. Sirius turned second into a huge black dog. Y/n smiled and petted his head. 

“Very fitting, Sirius.”

Sirius turned back, letting Peter turn next. He was so tiny that Sirius almost stepped on him. James and Y/n sniggered at their rat friend. Next was Y/n, who turned into a graceful cat. Her fur was black, and her eyes were a striking e/c. James smirked and nudged Sirius. 

“Matching animagus’, eh?”

Sirius scowled, “Cats and dogs don’t match.”

Y/n turned back, “Don’t they?”

“Ready for this full moon?” James asked them all. 

“‘Course!”

“Yep!”

“Can’t wait.”

That full moon was better than them all. Remus had people to join him. There was something that he noticed, though. Every time he’d get close to the cat, the dog would growl and stand in front of her. It was like the dog was protecting what was his. Y/n noticed it too. Every time Remus got close, Sirius stood in front of her, keeping him at a safe distance. 

It wasn’t until a quiet night in the Marauders dorm did Remus finally bring it up, “Sirius.”

“Remus.”

“How long?”

Sirius furrowed his eyebrows, “How long what?”

“You know,” Remus moved his hand in a circular motion for him to continue, “How long have you liked my sister?”

“Woah, Remus.” Sirius stated in shock, “That’s quite the accusation.”

Remus tilted his head, “Is it?”

“Yeah. It is.” Sirius replied, “Y/n is my friend. Nothing more, nothing less.”

“So, you not sleeping with any girls for the past year is just a coincidence?” Remus questioned knowingly, “You staring at her during class and parties is just on accident?”

Sirius’ cheeks went pink, “And it’s definitely a coincidence that you always hug her first after every Quidditch match.”

“Okay, fine, fine.” Sirius confessed, “I like Y/n. I have for a while.”

“So why haven’t you asked her out?”

“Excuse me?”

Remus shrugged, “Why haven’t you asked her out yet? You know she enjoys going to Honeydukes and the Three Broomsticks.”

“Mate, have you forgotten we’re talking about your sister?” Sirius asked, “Like your twin sister?”

“I know.” Remus replied, “She likes you too, you know.”

Sirius’ eyes were practically bulging out of his skull. How in the name of Merlin was Remus so calm about this? He said it so casually as if they were talking about the weather. Sirius expected Remus to get angry or throw a book at him. 

“Are you- Are you giving me permission to date your sister?”

“As long as you don’t hurt her, sure.”

Sirius hesitated before asking his next question, “Can you help me do it?”

Remus smirked, “Casanova of Hogwarts can’t ask out Y/n?”

“Please, Remus.” Sirius begged, “I really like her, and I don’t want to fuck this up.”

Remus snorted, “You always fuck things up.”

“That’s why I need you!” 

Remus just smirked triumphantly. 

“Pleaaaseeeeeee.”

“Alright, fine.” Remus relented, “Just be cool about it, yeah? Take her to Honeydukes and the Three Broomsticks. She’d enjoy that a lot. Maybe take her to Tomes and Scrolls.”

“You’re a lifesaver!” 

“Yeah, yeah.” Remus rolled his eyes, “Now shut up. ‘M tired.”

The following day Sirius and Y/n did go to Hogsmeade together. She was amazed when they went into Honeydukes together. She picked out some of her favorite sweets and some for Remus since the full moon was a week away. When she went to pay for it, Sirius pushed her hand away, paying for it himself. Y/n wouldn’t stop thanking him. 

Next, they went to Tomes and Scrolls. On any ordinary occasion, Sirius would’ve hated this. Truth be told, he wasn’t really a reader or a book person in general. But for her, he’d do absolutely anything. Y/n picked out some new books and began raving to Sirius about one in particular. So again, Sirius paid for them and told her to find a table in the Three Broomsticks. 

Sirius went to the area where the book she was raving about was found. He grabbed one for himself, planning to read and annotate it for her. Maybe he’d give it to her as a birthday gift or just a random gift. Nonetheless, he knew she’d love it, and Sirius would fall off a cliff if she asked him to. 

Inside he found her sitting with a hot chocolate and a butterbeer for himself. Sirius slid into the booth smiling at her. They talked about everything and anything. Sirius even went as far as to tell her some stuff about his family the other guys didn’t know about. He went on about how he envied Remus and her relationship wanting the same thing with Regulus. 

Sirius told her how he wanted his future to look. How many tattoos he wanted. Where he wanted to live. How many children he wanted. So on and so forth. He was so open and so honest it surprised her. Generally, if someone asked Sirius what he wanted his future to look at, he’d just shrug. Now he was spilling everything to her. 

It didn’t take long after that for them to become official. Remus smiled when she announced it. He was happy for her. Remus could see how happy Sirius made her, and for that, he was grateful that someone could take care of her in his absence. Y/n only wanted that for him too. One day she’d have a family, and Remus wouldn’t be her main priority. That scared her because, for all seventeen years of her life, it was just her and Remus. 

After graduating from Hogwarts, they got married. It wasn’t anything huge, especially with Voldemort on the rise, but it happened. James was Sirius’ best man, and Marlene was Y/n’s maid of honor. Remus walked Y/n down the aisle and gently kissed her cheek before letting her go. Seeing Sirius and Y/n get married made James overjoyed to marry Lily, but that would happen all in due time. 

So what was it that made her feel this way? Was it the betrayal? Was it the dishonesty? Was it the disloyalty? What was it in truth? The moment Sirius was locked away in Azkaban, everything changed. When Remus heard about it, she was his first stop. Inside he saw her with a baby on her lap. Their baby boy, just a year old. He was born only months before Harry. 

Little Perseus Sirius Black. Y/n’s pride and joy. He was everything to her. Remus had walked into the house seeing his broken sister holding her child close to her as he cried. Remus walked in and gently took the child from her arms, allowing her to lean on his shoulder as he held Perseus. The little boy smiled at the familiar face of his uncle. 

“Rem!” 

Remus smiled softly, “Hey, Perseus.”

It took a long time for Y/n to collect herself. Remus had taken a spot in the house since he couldn’t find a place by himself. Y/n worked at the ministry most days, and Remus would take care of her little troublemaker. As Perseus grew, he looked more and more like his mother. The same e/c eyes and h/c hair. The only thing that made him look like a Black was his defined body and facial structure. 

The sharp jawline, the defined nose, the straight cheekbones, the semi-hollow cheeks, and the pointed chin. His features were that of the Noble House of Black, yet he could’ve made his way to look like a Lupin even more. For a while, Y/n worked a lot. She was trying to keep her family afloat. But it wasn’t until Remus said he got a job offer at Hogwarts did she have to stop. Working for her felt like nothing. Every day she was worried about Perseus going to school. Especially with Sirius being out of Azkaban. 

The night that Remus saw Peter Pettigrew on the map, he knew something was wrong and sent Y/n and owl for her to come to Hogwarts. Without hesitation, she did. On the night of that full moon, she was also down in the Shrieking Shack, holding Harry close to her, not wanting him to get hurt. When everything got resolved, she cried. 

Y/n went home that night rethinking everything. A week later, Remus and Perseus returned home. She couldn’t remember holding Percy that tight ever. Y/n was just thankful that he was safe and he was home. That night that Y/n and Remus told Percy what really happened, why his father was never really in the picture. 

A year later is when Perseus finally met his father - well, that he can remember. He was fifteen now, going into his fifth year at Hogwarts when Y/n and Remus took him to Grimmauld Place 12. It felt foreign, and it felt evil. Needless to say, Percy didn’t like the place. Inside, Sirius was waiting for them along with many others. 

When the door opened and shut gently, he knew it was her. For the first time in over twelve years, he’d be allowed with his wife again. The woman he loved and the woman he felt the most solace with. He’d also see the boy that he used to know grown up into a young adult. The young gentleman Sirius always wanted. 

Perseus stood in front of her, Y/n’s hands on his shoulders. Sirius almost chuckled at it. Percy was protecting her even if she didn’t know it herself. He stood in front of her for a reason, to make sure she’d be safe. Sirius stood in front of them, swallowing harshly. 

“Remus, Y/n.” He choked on the last name.

“Good evening Sirius.” Remus greeted politely, “How have you been?”

Sirius shuffled, “I’ve been better.”

Remus hugged him, whispering in his ear, “Don’t fuck this up.”

“Hey, Siri.” Y/n smiled with tears in her eyes, “Hey, love.”

Gently she walked in front of Percy and hugged him tightly. Sirius’ arms went around her waist, and his nose dug into her hair. The scent of her perfume and shampoo calming his nerves slightly. Y/n dug her head into his neck and placed her arms around him. They pulled away and smiled. Gently he kissed her forehead. 

“I’m sorry for believing that you would ever,” She looked down, “You know.”

Sirius picked her chin back up gently, “You have nothing to be sorry for, love.”

Y/n kissed his lips softly. His lips were far from how she remembered. They were no longer soft and tasted of smoke. Instead, they were chapped and tasted of firewhiskey. Perhaps some things never change. Their lips melded together perfectly, just as they did so many years ago. They pulled apart, smiling brightly. She pulled from his embrace to stand by his side. 

“Sirius, this is-“

“Perseus, I know.” 

Perseus smiled nervously; they had the same smile, the same straight smile, “Hi.”

“Hi.”

It was silent for a while as Perseus shuffled, “Are you- are you staying this time?”

“I’d like to.” Sirius replied, “I’m not quite sure the extent of my living abilities, but I’ll be here.”

“I’m- I'm in Slytherin.”

“Okay.”

Perseus looked incredulously, “Okay? That’s all you have to say?” 

“There’s nothing wrong with being in Slytherin.” Sirius stated, “Your heart is in the right place.”

“How would you know?” Percy snapped, “You’ve been gone for most of my life. You don’t know anything about me.”

Sirius quirked an eyebrow, “So you standing in front of your Mather was just a happy accident? You weren’t planning on protecting her. Shall something go wrong?”

Percy looked at the ground, “Someone had to make sure she was safe while you were gone.” 

“That’s not fair.” 

“Life isn’t fair!” Percy yelled, “You left us. You don’t realize how badly you hurt her while you were gone.”

Remus walked back into the corridor to see Y/n frozen staring at her son. Sirius was standing in an argumentative stance. Percy’s eyes were filling with tears of frustration as he stared at the man who abandoned him from the start. 

“You left me. You left mum. You left Remus.” Percy cried, “How did you expect this to go, huh?”

Sirius didn’t say anything, “Did you expect me to be happy?! Did you expect me to hug you and fall into your arms?!” Percy shouted, “Because I’m not. I’m not happy, and I’m not going to fall into your arms and hug you like a naive little boy. My mum deserves better than this bullshit.”

“Enough!” Remus snapped, and Percy froze, “Your father is risking his life to be here right now. To meet you. I get it. I wouldn’t be happy either if my father did what Sirius did. But with things, the way they are right now is holding a grudge really that important?”

“N- No, sir.”

“Percy.” Y/n called, and he stared at her with watery eyes as she approached him, “I get it. You’re angry, you’re upset, but he’s still your father. He wants to be here now.”

“B- But he-“

“I know, my love. He’s going to try and make up for it. You don’t have to trust him right away. You don’t have to say ‘I love you’ right away. He isn’t expecting that.” Y/n wiped the tears from his cheeks, “All he’s expecting is his son. The little boy that he last saw.”

Percy looked down, “I know you aren’t that little boy, and I wish you still were. The little boy that used to make me smile and laugh. The little boy that used to cause mischief around the house driving Remus mad.” 

Sirius smiled, “You’re older now, and that will take some getting used to. I know you don’t remember, but Sirius used to be the only one who could get you to stop crying. He used to hold you all night, sleep with you in the rocking chair.”

“Sirius used to babble nonsense to you while I was at work. He used to take you to the park. Make you laugh by turning into a dog.” Percy sniffled, “Back then, Sirius was your everything, baby.”

Percy hugged his mom tight, “I- I’m scared.”

It was only loud enough for her to hear, “Why, baby?”

“What if- what if he leaves again?”

“He’s not going to.” Y/n moved the hair from his face, “Sirius wouldn’t leave us unless he had to.”

Percy knew what that meant. Sirius wouldn’t leave unless he got killed or died. Percy looked at Sirius’ eyes which were filled with tears from recalling the moments of his past. Y/n smiled reassuringly before Percy allowed himself to hug his father. He was wrapping his arms around his stomach, nuzzling his nose into his chest. 

When they pulled apart, Sirius smiled, “You’re my everything, kiddo.”