#I remember 2013s being hard and heavy

[crystalfurbs]

.

[alicesivory]

The Moon Song

Inspired by the movie ‘her’ 2013 - directed by Spike Jonze 

Pairing: Billy Washington x female! Reader

Warning: smut, angst, and teeth rotting fluff (mdni), and not proof-read lol. 

WC: 7005 

Disclaimer: I am not comfortable using [y/n] but I won’t be using any OC since it’s still an x reader fic. But I’ll slip a nickname or two in some stories ;) Oh and I took some words and sentences from my favourite scene from the movie and the iconic monologue at the end but I revised it so it would fit into the story but all credits goes to Spike Jonze. Enjoy!

“War? You don’t got a clue- what do you know about war?! War against halal butchers? You don’t know anythin-.”

Billy nodded as tears started to build up in his eyes. Of course he knew nothing. It's as if anyone gave him a chance to know something. It’s meaningless at some point, he meant his life and all this bullshit about all of this charade. Just when he felt like a somebody, of course his sister had to crumble it all down.

Or just trying to make him snap out of it from this dreamlike state he’s in as his inner self tries to justify his actions. 

He didn’t mean to be like this in the first place or mingle with those thugs. 

He never did. 

“-grow up, Billy!”

He nodded once more as a tear dropped from his eye. 

“You done?”

“Yes, I am.”

Billy kept an eye on his sister as she stomped away from his room, and finally from his apartment. 

Slamming the door. 

Humiliation weighed over his shoulders as he hung his head low, running his fingers through his sandy blonde hair with frustration. It wasn’t supposed to end up this way. Not the way he wanted it to. Taking a deep sigh, he lets go of all of his tears letting them roll down from his cheeks. Sniffling and crying alone in his dark room. But just as wanted to just curl up in bed and cry ‘till exhaustion, he heard a knock from his apartment door. 

Wiping away his tears and snot, he stood up bravely and walked towards the door. It’s probably his sister, wanting to yell or lecture him about…literally anything, really. Nothing’s good enough for her or their parents. He sighs and opens the door with no hesitation without checking who it was. 

“Coming back for mo-.”

Oh, it wasn’t his sister. 

Her name rolled off his tongue easily like he was dying to say her name for months. She looked at him curiously as she stood there with an awkward thin smile. “I bumped into Lana and…she looks pretty pissed. Did I come at the wrong time?” she asked, pointing towards the apartment hallway. He quickly shook his head.

“N-no! Not at all. We just had an argument- you know how it is.” 

It has been…8 months and 2 weeks since he broke up with her (yes he has been counting) and 2 months since he last saw her. Their breakup was hard for him and sometimes Billy believed that their breakup was the one that caused his downward spiral. He had known her since they were in university, she was his friend before he slowly developed feelings for her. His train of thoughts were snapped away by her gasp. “What happened to your hand?”

He quickly hides it away behind his back.

“N-nothing! By the way, What’re you doing here?” He asked, not wanting to tell her the truth. What will she think of him? He can’t just dump his troubles into her. 

“I know this is silly, but I forgot to take some of my stuff,” she sighed in defeat, clearly letting him brush away the topic of his hand. Billy knew what she left and he didn’t even bother to tell her since he..well..just wanted her to maybe stop by or just kind of let it stay in his apartment to remember something of her. A piece of her, some sort.

“Yeah? What did you left?” He asked, acting dumb. 

“Some books and my brown watch. Have you seen them?”

“No, not at all. Come in.”

Three years ago. 

Laughter filled the apartment floor as his pale cream couch was being moved from the first floor to the third floor. He was at the bottom end while his sweetheart was trying to pull the couch up. “It’s getting heavy, love!” He teased as he tried so hard not to laugh seeing them fail over and over again to move their couch up to their apartment. 

What’s now his apartment, used to be their apartment. 

“Hold on! Oh dear Lord-,” she cackled as she took a step back up the stairs, lifting up the other edge of the couch. 

“Alright, now push!” She ordered as they finally succeeded to drag and carry the couch unison. It took them a while to finally make the couch fit through the doorway, but they managed. Back then, their apartment was still empty. No mess or dirty clothes scattering around the floor. It still smelled like paint. “Phew!” She said before crashing onto the couch. Billy follows along, putting his arm around her, letting her lean onto him. 

“Tired, sweetheart?” He teased.

“Terribly.” 

“Gosh I think the last time you were this tired was two nights ago when I fuc-,”

“Ew, no ew stop-,” she says with a giggle trying to get away from him but he won’t budge.

“And you told me to keep going! ‘Ah harder Billy! Harde-,”

“You are so disgusting!” She exclaimed as she covered his mouth with her palm, but he kept teasing her with his stupid dirty jokes. “Really? The last time you told me that was when I gave you backs-,”

“You are so infuriating!”

The only thing to make him shut up was tickles and her plan worked. When her fingers started to wiggle on his stomach, he burst out laughing like a mad man. “Stop! Stop!” He begged her. After one last tickle, she pulled away with a satisfied grin. “You’ll be the death of me, woman.” Billy placed his arm back around her shoulders and gave her a sweet peck on her lips. “I shall be,” she replied cockily, booping his nose. He smiled at her as he admired her features that he loved more than anything. 

He didn’t know he was able to love someone this much. 

“Can’t believe we have this place to ourselves,” he said softly to her, brushing a hair away from her face. She smiled back, “Can’t believe I’m doing this with you.” They both shared a sweet kiss where no one could disturb them or interrupt them. Ever.

“I uh…I applied for the military,” he informed her as they pulled away from their kiss. “Yeah? That’s amazing..,” she said supportively, brushing his hair with her gentle fingers. “Yeah..I wanted to try, y’know? Seeing Lana on field…I  want to be like her y’know? Brave…tough…,” he listed. 

“But you are.”

Her words made him scoff. 

“You’re only saying that ‘cause I’m your boyfriend. It’s biassed.”

“It’s still an opinion,” she said gently, still brushing his hair. Seeking her comfort, he leaned his head on her shoulder. “You think I can do this?” He asked with a hint of insecurity in his voice. “Of course you can,” she reassured him, giving him a gentle kiss on his head. 

Present day

They ramage through his apartment trying to collect all of her stuff. Piece by piece they collect the stuff she left in his apartment. “Alright we have the books…wuthering heights, pride and prejudice, little women, yada yada yada, and all I need is my brown watch. And it’s nowhere to be found- you sure you haven’t seen it anywhere?” She walked towards his gaming chair and sat on the pillowed chair while he sat on the cream coloured couch. 

Normally, he won’t let anyone sit there. Even Becky, or Lana. She was the only one he trusted to touch his possessions. He smiles as he listens to her babbling and talking. He hates to admit it, but he missed it. 

“Nope, not at all,” he lied. 

Sighing in defeat, she starts rocking the chair as she looks around the room they’re in. “How you’ve been, by the way?” Billy shrugs at her question, acting all casual even if his life was basically crumbling down. No job, shitty friends, commit a minor crime, his sister, parents, even current girlfriend hates him. “Just fine, really.” 

His answer made her smirk. “Well your hand says otherwise,” she says. Her witty answer made him chuckle. “What can I say? I’m a busy man.” He always liked how easy it is to talk to her. “What about you? You doin’ alright?” He asks, his tone gentle and eager to know if she’s been alright. 

“Well, yeah I’m alright. Ups and downs here and there, y’know?”

“Compared to me, you look like you’re doing amazing,” he compliments her, leaning in to take a good look at her even if they’re a little bit away from each other.

His compliment made her chuckle. 

It always does. 

“Thanks..,” she replies, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear. 

“I’m serious though..you look amazing.” His tone genuine and full of meaning into it. 

She looked at him for a moment, trying to read him before nodding. 

“Well you look like you need a haircut and a shave.”

Her comment made him laugh. Genuinely laugh. It’s been awhile since he felt that much comfort in him. 

After a while, their laughter died down and a comfortable silence swept the room. “You seeing anyone?” she asked. He nodded, “Yeah, but it’s a bunch of crap. Her name’s Rebecca and I haven’t heard from her since last week.” She gave him a thin smile, both of them knowing that they don’t want to discuss that topic further. “And you?” 

“Been on a date or two but none of them worked out,” she shrugs. He nodded again, a little bit glad to hear that. “You happy with your new book?”

“You’ve read it?” She asks with a chuckle. “Well, I saw it in a book store last week and it looks pretty cool, I might have to buy a copy after this,” he says, rubbing the back of his neck nervously. “I mean sure I like how it is,” she says. But he saw how she pursues her lips with a pregnant pause coming from her. “But I feel like it’s true to what I set out to do. So I’m happy with that.”

“I swear, You’re your own worst critic, I’m sure it’s amazing. Even that paper you wrote on synaptic behavioral routines made me cry.” 

“Yeah, but everything makes you cry.”

“Everything you make makes me cry.”

A sense of familiarity washes between them. How easy it was to just talk like normal people would. Alice looked into his eyes for a moment before darting away and spots his injured knuckles once more. 

“No but seriously though, what happened?” She asks, pointing at his hand hesitantly. He looked down and felt heat coming up to his cheeks.

“I uh…it was an accident.” “What accident?”

“An accident that involved me and some glass shards.”

“How the hell did that happen?”

Why is she asking me all this shit?

“You don’t want to know.”

“I would love to know, actually.”

He looked at her for a while to sense any sort of hesitation in her words but the only thing he could find in her eyes was determination. It intimidates him. She could scoop anything from the bottom pits of his heart. 

“For fuck’s sake, Ismashedawindowatabutchersh-“

“What?!” 

“It was a fucking protest-“

“—What protest, Billy?! All I see is that you’re now doing property damage-,”

“—Am not!—”

“—Then what was that for? Why on earth would you smash a butcher shop’s window?!” 

Billy was silent.

Why did he do it?

“I..”

Did he actually believe all that bullshit? Or was he just tagging along with his buddies? To be…accepted?

“Everything I do is never enough for you, is it?”

His words created this thick tension in the room. Her brows crinkled as she took his word as an offense. “Why would you say that?” She asks, her voice cracking. “Because it’s the truth-.”

“No it isn’t,” she said, stern and true. “I always felt like you wished I could just be a happy, light. ‘everything’s great’, bouncy girlfriend who always puts a smile whenever you come home either happy or angry and I’m sorry but I can’t do that, I still have feelings too-.”

Billy winces at her words and shakes his head, “No I didn’t want that.”

“You avoid me and shut me out whenever I point out something wrong about you, or us- even when we argue you never wanted to listen!—“

“—No I don’t!—”

“—It’s like as if you can’t handle real emotions, Billy—,”

“—They are real emotions, how do you—,”

“—What? Say it! Am I really that scary, Billy? Say it- How do I know what?!” 

Silence hung in the air once more. They were both seeing red and they…she...he…realized how this argument was going nowhere. Billy saw how her gaze shifted, how her brow relaxed and her eyes slowly softening. Her once angry demeanour changed into what is now left with regret and embarrassment. Rubbing her arm, avoiding his gaze. God, did he really messed up this bad?

“I was gonna marry you, y’know?” 

He didn’t even realize that he said those words out loud, avoiding her gaze as his head hangs low once more. Not realizing how her eyes softened, looking at the man that she once loved and believed was the love of her life. Maybe he is still the one she loves- but he sees that as wishful thinking. 

“I’m sorry that came out of nowhere-,”

“—Billy, It’s okay-,”

“—But I mean it though, I…really want to marry you. Back then, after I’m finally in the military or something- but turns out none of that shit worked out, so…,” he says running his hands through his hair once again. His sentence hung in the air as he shut his mouth from talking any further. 

Billy’s birthday, last year. 

“You’re so infuriating..,” she giggled lowly as she laid on his bed, in his arms, tangled in bedsheets as the moon shone bright from the window. “Me? Infuriating? Is that a proper way to say to your birthday boy tonight?” Billy teasingly replied, leaning his head to hers letting his forehead rest on hers. 

She giggles again shifting her whole body close to him as she clutches the blankets close to her chest to keep her warm. “Jeez sorry, it’s not my fault that you keep giving bad activity ideas for your birthday. Like, seriously? Skydiving? You know I hate heights, you arse!” She slaps his chest, earning a cackle from him. “It was just a suggestion, love that’s all…,” Billy grunts as he cuddles her tightly. 

“Ugh you’re squishing me..,” she complained.

“Stop whining..,” he replied, giving her a sweet kiss on the neck. “It’s still my birthday tonight, I can hug you as tight as I can..,” he murmured sleepily. Alice chuckles and slightly shifts, facing up to him. “No but seriously though, what do you want to do tomorrow?” she seriously asked. 

“I don’t know, really…probably taking you out and the lads up for a few pints. Just the usual, love,” he said, rubbing her arm. “Just wanna spend some time with the people I love.” Giving her a sweet peck on the lips.

“Yeah? You gon’ give your mum and da a visit then?”

Billy groaned as he nuzzled his face on the crook of her neck. “Knew you’d say that.”

“Oh c’mon, love…it’s been a half a year since you saw them. One visit won’t hurt…,” she said gently, running her fingers through his hair. “Yeah one visit will end up my da making fun of me and seeing my mum’s disappointment up close,” Billy sarcastically chuckled. “I won’t let them,” she whispered closely to his ear. 

“Promise?”

“I promise.”

Her response earned her a smile out of him. “What’d I do without you, sweetheart?” He asked sultry before he started to kiss her jaw…down to her neck as his big hands snaked her waist, holding her gently. “I think you’d do just fine,” she answered with a sensual sigh. Billy smiled, nuzzling her cheek with his nose before capturing her lips with his. 

Wrapping her arms around his neck, she kissed him back with a low hum, their bodies moving in perfect harmony as they explored each other's mouths. Billy took his time as he slipped his boxers down and placed them somewhere in the bed. “Mm…y’know I love you right?” He asked in between kisses as he pinned her down to bed, hovering over her. “I know,” she said. His kisses trailed down from her lips, her jaw, her neck, down to her chest. Gently squeezing and caressing one of her breast while his mouth nipped and sucked the other carefully. He’d then squeeze one to make her nipples perk so he could kiss it and suck it better, leaving wet trails down to her tummy and finally finding his treasure.

Gently spreading her legs, he could see that her white cotton panties had already left a dark wet patch on it. A smile tugging at his lips and he gently nuzzled his nose on her clothed sex. “Already all wet for me, babe?” He asked, placing a sweet kiss onto it before pulling down her panties in one swift motion as if he’d done this a thousand times already.

“C’mon…where’s my sweet darling..ah there she is…,” he muttered to himself. Without a warning he kitten licked her whole sex making her gasp in pleasure. Smirking smugly up at her, he continued to tease and lick her pussy before managing to eat her out properly. Hungrily munching on her like a starved man. He rubbed her clit gently in a circle motion as he stretched her hole with his tongue, fucking her with it. 

This motion made her squirm and gasp, her brows crinkling feeling the intense pleasure that she couldn’t get enough of even if he’d done this to her more than she could count. “M gonna put a finger in, yeah?” His voice said in a reassuring and gentle tone. She nodded with no hesitation and just as she knew it, she felt his finger slipping into her. One finger then became two fingers, slipping in and out of her dripping hole as he licked her clit making her cry in pleasure. 

He took his time to help her find pleasure. He could die between her legs and he’d be happy. He groaned in delight as he licked all of her juices when his fingers pulled out of her weeping hole. He couldn’t get enough of her as he licked off her juices before he had to pull away and looked up to her. 

“W-wha- why did you stopped?” she asked. He hovers over her once more, “Need you inside of me.” Needily nuzzling his nose to her neck, sucking onto her. He then felt his body shift as now he has is back on the bed as she sits on top of him like a queen on her throne. Straddling him, he could see all of her. Caressing her sides, he saw how she looks down and groped the base of his shaft, giving it a few strokes. 

“You okay with this?” She asked.

“Mmhm…y-yeah- fuck yeah,” he couldn’t even speak properly, blinded with pleasure.

Then he felt her lining up their sexes, his cock leaking with pre-cum as she teasingly rubs the outside lining of her pussy with it. “Don’t tease-fuck!” Before he could even finish his sentence, she slips his cock in making both of them gasp in unison. “F-fuck, Billy…,” she moaned, adjusting to him. She loved how he felt inside her. Not too overwhelmingly big or small, to her it’s the right size and girth. 

“You’re made for me,” he grunted as he needily thrust up begging for any movement or friction. Billy saw how she looked at him, eyes full of lust and love as she started to move up and down and rocking him as they adjust to their pleasure.

“Billy?” she called out to him as she thrust into him, her body full of sweat. “Y-yeah?” Holding her hips with his big calloused hands. “Wake up.”

“W-what?”

“I said wake up.”

Present day, Billy’s birthday. 

The sun started to rise, but only tiny streaks of sun rays managed to peek through the blinds. Billy opened his eyes, finding his room empty, finding his bed empty. 

Fuck, he just had another wet dream of her.

He looked down, finding a dark wet spot on his pants. Of course he did. His phone kept buzzing beside his bed, probably some ‘happy birthday’ notifications from his mum, dad, and sister. Becky didn’t even bother to send him a ‘i’m leaving you’ text. Ghosted and gave up on him. 

Like the others do. 

He sighs, getting up from bed and throws a shirt on himself and changes his shorts before finally picking up his phone. Then he saw it. A notification with her name on it. It’s been months since he last saw a notification from her. What is she going to say? Should he open it now? Maybe later- oh fuck it!

Hi Billy how you’ve been? I just want to say happy birthday here and hope you have a great birthday this year🎂 Sorry for the other day, I really didn’t mean a lot of those things, just wanted to see how you’ve been.

I know it’s been 10 months since we broke up and I know you probably don’t want me in your life again but I really just want to say that I wish you nothing but the best things in life. We’ve gone through a long way, we grew up together and all that shit and I just can’t act as if you don’t exist in my life. You always do in some way and I hope that’s okay. 

Have a great birthday Bil.

That text was the last straw for him. He looked around his no-good apartment, in the back of his mind he remembered everything he’d shared with her in every corner of this apartment. It drives him insane how he can’t have that now. But God he’d take it all back and do better for her. Reading her text, knowing how much of a shitty person he is, and she could’ve ghosted him and never talk to him ever again yet she decided to acknowledge him as a person. Not wanting to cut him out of her life, even he himself wouldn’t do the same thing if he was her. It drove him off. 

He hates the way he projects himself. But it is how he is.He hates everything in his life. It’s insufferable and suffocating in his own flat. He didn’t ask to live like this, but he knew the only person he could blame was him. 

Not his family, 

Not his friends, 

And definitely not her. 

He couldn’t stay in his place any longer but as he was about to just grab his stuff and leave the place, there was a heavy knocking on his apartment door.

-

Life went on for a while that summer. He jogged to his car and placed his phone on the phone holder. He opens his phone, checking if he has any texts to answer before he starts driving. He sighs as he spots her name again when he opens his messaging app. He has read her text but he hasn’t replied to her. Opening her chatbox, he realized that there were also a few things he’d like to say to her. Tapping his heel and his leg bouncing anxiously, he contemplates whether or not he should reply to her or leave it be. 

“Fuck it,” he muttered. 

Pressing down the voice message icon, he starts to speak,

“Hey uh…hey love, thanks for the uhm message, I appreciated it r- fuck why do I sound so nervous?” Billy presses the stop button and deletes it. He clears his throat, “Hey uh, I got the birthday message, I really appreciated it, ta. I’ve been doing better…thanks for asking.” He said as he starts to drive his car. 

“Listen, I…I’ve been sittin’ and thinkin’ about all the things I wanted to apologize to you. All the shit and…pain we caused each other and everything I put on you, like how you think I needed you to be or needed you to say, and I’m sorry for that..really. I think I’m just doin’ that because I want to be better for you,  even until now.  And you know what, you helped make the best versions of me. We grew up together and there’ll be a piece of you in me too, always. Whatever we are in the future, and wherever you are in the world I just want you to know that I’ll always look for you and…I…,” he paused. 

I love you and I’ve never stopped loving you. 

“...I hope you have a great day too. Bye.”

Taking all of his courage, he presses the send button. 

Letting out a big sigh, he leans back onto his seat and tries to drive peacefully. 

Maybe a gum will help him calm down. 

A year ago. 

Billy remembered it like it was yesterday. It was late at night and Billy was watching something off the old Telly. He had a terrible day. After he failed to get into the military, he tried applying for high end jobs but it didn’t work out. Did another interview today and he just knew he’s gonna flunk it. The next thing he knows he’ll get an email saying that they’re sorry and all that bullshit. He sighed, leaning his head back on the couch. 

“Billy?” She called out from the doorway. 

“Hm?”

“How was the interview?” 

“Horrible,” he grunted. 

“You don’t know that-,”

“-They laughed at me,” he snapped his head towards her to the point it sets her off. “I-I didn’t kno-,” “Of course you don’t.” He cuts her off once again before getting up from his couch, brushing her off as he passed through her. “Fine,” she muttered and went to the bedroom. “Can you just be supportive for once?” Billy snapped again as he threw his beer bottle to the trash bin. “Just for once, be supportive of me?” He emphasized, with a hint of sarcasm, bitterness and frustration. “Supportive? Isn’t that what I’ve been doing all these years, Billy?” She replied, taking his words to an offence. 

“Oh really? Well I don’t think you’ve been supporting me, more like nagging at everything I do!”

“Criticising isn’t nagging, Billy!” 

“You call that criticising? Critics are supposed to help me be better not bringing me down!”

“I wasn’t bringing you down, Billy! I was just saying the truth! Your CV was weak you didn’t put your best qualities that should’ve been the key point-,”

“--Just stop! Stop it, you’re such a know it all, aren’t you?--”

“--Me? Ha! I’m not the one who can’t accept criticism! Who can’t accept real emotions–”

“--Oh fuck you! Atleast I’m not the one who got rejected by 10 publishers just because the book you’re writing is complete rubbish!”

Her eyes widened. As much as they like to argue, Billy will never dare to say anything about her work- most of all, her book. Billy’s rage died down as he realized what he just said. He crossed the line. He fucked up. He saw how her lips slightly trembled as she wanted to speak. 

She nodded as tears built up in her eyes. “So that’s how it’s gonna be?-”

“--No, fuck- babe I didn’t mean that I’m sorry–,”

“--No, it’s fine–,”

He gently walked towards her and tried to keep her from going away from him. Trapping her in a gentle embrace. “--No, it’s not fine…I’m sorry..I didn’t mean any of that…I messed up I’m sorry,” he apologized over and over again. Placing gentle kisses onto her head. His heart sank when he heard her sniffles. Gently stroking her hair, he murmured his apology to her showering her with kisses to make it all better. “Why are we like this?” She asked in a small tone. “Like what?”

“We keep hurting each other.”

Billy’s thoughts were suddenly snapped when a notification enters his phone 

Lana: Mate, I’m with Becky. She came to mine looking for you. Call me NOW. 

Becky? Why did she came to Lana looking for him?

That doesn’t makes any sense. 

Billy brushed it off and probably thought that Becky’s there to call him off or take her stuff from his flat or something. So he clicks on Lana’s contact number and dials her after constantly ignoring her. 

“Billy!”

“Can you put Becky on?” “Where are ya? Ya sound like you’re drivin’,”

“Yeah was drivin’ to meet my mates, why? Let me speak to Becky.”

“What mates? Anyone I know?”

“Just mates, Lana.” Billy says as he takes a turn on the road. “Why, what’s going off?”

“Listen, Billy I’m not with Becky- I just needed you to call me.” Billy furrowed his brows as he listened to his sister speak on the phone. 

“What?- What do you mean you’re not with Becky?- What do you mean- what- why?”

“I need to talk to ya. You’ve not been answering my calls. You’ve not been about-wh-where are you driving to?

Suddenly his car bumped into some people who were doing some protests. Flipping him off for bumping into them. “Billy? Billy- Where exactly are you?” Lana asks again. Billy flips a protestor on his side bumping into his car. “Farringdon Tube Station,” he answered Lana, annoyed. 

“Listen, Billy, it’s important, what are you doing at Farringdon Station?”

“I was meant to meet the lads but they’re not here. Outside the tube he said, but I can’t see them. Just a load of lefty wankers.”

“Billy, why did you drive, was that your idea?”

“Nah, my mates asked me to give some of the lads a lift down. Must be some kind of joke.” 

Billy looked around not finding any signs of those so called lads. Shit, he got set up. A joke, like people would see him as. Fuck. 

“Yeah they’ve set me up, haven’t they? Havin’ a laugh, aren’t they? Knobheads,” he says with a disappointed demeanor that even Lana could detect. 

“Billy, these new mates of yours, they’re not who you think they are.”

“Lana, what you on about?”

“Nick. Nick Roberts, he’s a…he’s a terrorist. One of the Crusaders that killed Nut.”

In a flash, he finds himself in the middle of Cranstead Fields with a fucking bomb inside of his car. He could hear his heart beating rapidly, his ears ringing as it mutes everyone and everything around him. From many different scenarios in his head, Billy didn’t think he’d die like this. Trapped in a car in the middle of Cranstead Fields with a ticking bomb that’s about to go off at any minute by now. His breath ragged and unstable as he kept an eye on the timer. Swallowing a lump on his throat, he looked up to his rearview mirror. “Oh no..,” he pants to himself. Scared to death, really. He wondered if he’s ever going to survive this. Maybe he should’ve chosen better shit in his life and maybe he won’t get blown off by a fucking bomb latched onto those terrorists. If only he chose better friends, listened to his sister, he’d be at home patching things up. If he was any good maybe he’d be watching some old telly show with her. 

Fuck, he didn’t even said goodbye. 

He hasn't told his mum and dad how sorry he was for being a mop, and for everything he did. 

“Billy! I’m here! Alright it’s gonna be fine! Just stay really still for me, I'm gonna have a look around the car.”,“Yeah you gotta do something about this,” he pants, glancing at the timer that’s still ticking. “About three minutes, yeah?” Three minutes and twenty five seconds. Twenty four, twenty three..shit! He hasn't read her new book. Lana tried to take a look at the bomb as well through the window with a worried and nervous expression. But when Billy faced her again, she tried to put on a brave face for her brother. “Okay stay still, I’m gonna go have a look- Don’t touch anything, I’m just gonna check the car okay?”

“Y-yeah, yeah…just-just hurry!”

11 months ago.

Billy leaned onto the hood of his car as the night breeze swept through him. One hand on his jacket pocket, and the other holding a fag as he took a drag out of it letting out a puff of smoke into the air. Looking down at his phone, he saw that it’s 7:00 pm sharp. She should be home from work by now. He sighs, flicking the cigarette down to the ground before stubbing it as he walks to the building. After going through security, he saw his sweetheart talking to the receptionist at the lobby as she had her bag on her shoulder. After finishing her chat with the receptionist she turned around and spotted him immediately. A smile plastered on her face. 

“Heya Billy…,” she greeted with a smile, hugging him with her arms around his neck. He kisses her cheek and neck intimately. “Hiya, love.” As they pull away from the hug, he has his arm around her waist leading her out of the building. “How’s work?” He asked as they walked towards his car together. “Same old, same old,” she shrugged. 

“And…how’s your book going?” His question made her giggle and grins in excitement. “I just got an email that..they’re actually going to publish my book!” She cheers. “Told ya they’d love it,” he said to her smugly, giving her a kiss on the head. “I was so scared and nervous though…but I guess I just needed to take a deep breath with it all,” she said, opening the passenger door. “Yeah, you actually do need to do that,” he said with a pregnant pause. He kept his eye on her as she fastened her seatbelt. 

“Hey, babe?”

“Hm?”

He gently strokes her hair. “Look, I just wanted to say sorry about that night. I was a big dick to you that night, didn’t know what came over me…,” he said carefully to her. “It’s fine–,”

“Don’t say that it’s fine, bub. It’s not. It was stupid and fucked up for me to say about your book. Those 10 publishers who rejected your book were also stupid. I think everything you write is amazing. Can’t wait for the next one.” He kissed the back of her hand, his eyes not leaving hers for a second. “You forgive me?” He asked. Billy saw a smile creeping on her face, “I’ll forgive you. If you promise you’d buy a copy of my book everytime I release one.” 

“Easy, I’d buy Five.”

“Five, huh? I’ll keep your promise, Washington.”

He chuckled, giving a kiss on her temple. 

“Promise, love.”

Present day, Cranstead Fields. 

What felt like an eternity of Lana checking the bloody car, he gripped his steering wheel while glancing at the timer once more. Two minutes and fifty three seconds. Fifty two…fifty one…his heartbeat was banging like a drum inside of his chest. Breathing in, breathing out. Lana looked at the timer and the bomb through the passenger seat’s window, trying to find a solution and just..anything! To turn that stupid bomb off. But her expression wasn’t that convincing. It scared him. 

“How bad is it?” He had to ask Lana. 

Lana could only look back at him with a nervous smile. “It’s fine,” she lied. 

“I can tell when you’re lying, man! So how bad is it?!” He asked again. 

He kept screaming his sister’s name as she went away for awhile- but she can’t just  leave him, he needed his sister. Screaming out Lana’s name like a mad man, his face gone red as he cried inside his car. He does not want to die. He swore it felt like hours inside that stupid car. From the rearview mirror he saw Lana running back to him. “Billy! Listen to me! LISTEN TO ME! LOOK AT ME, YEAH? The timer means nothing! They put it there as a trick so you’ll open the door–,”

“--please–,”

“--Can you hear me?!”

“...please,” he begged again.

“Don’t touch it! Stay still! It’s gonna be fine.”

“Oh fuck,” His head hangs low as he realized that there’s no way out of this situation. 

“Listen to me, I’m your sister, okay?!”

She’s his sister.

“You need to trust me, I’m gonna go and get some stuff–,”

“--Lana please, don’t go–,”

“--You gotta trust me! It’s gonna be fine.”

He swallowed a lump in his throat as he nodded. Okay. It’s gonna be fine. It is. It is. 

He resisted the temptation and fear of opening the door. But when the timer ran out, it freaked him out. But everything was silent, no explosion or anything going off. There he realized that Lana was right. It was a trick. Okay- fuck. He has to stay focused right now. Watching from the rearview mirror once more, he saw Lana’s team hurriedly bringing their tools. 

“Alright Billy, we’re gonna just take off the rear window so you could crawl out, yeah? Stay. Still,” Lana reminded him calmly. She takes a glance at the bomb once more, giving him a thin reassuring smile. “See? It’s gonna be fine. Don’t touch anything.” Billy nodded at her words even if he was internally screaming. Slowly, he saw how her team plucked out his rear window. “Okay Billy, just slowly crawl right out. We got you,” Hass says, reaching out his arms to pull Billy out. Billy nodded and carefully crawled from the front seat, avoiding the shift gear or anything really! Not wanting to trigger the bomb. As he reached the backseat, the timer of the bomb went on again. 

“Shit!” Billy screamed, hastily scrambling out of the car. He lets his sister and Hass pull him out taking his arms. “Get me out of here!” He screamed as they all grunted, pulling him out of the car. Billy landed on the ground with a thud and the team ran from the car as the timer counted down from five.

“Fuck, ma ankle!” Billy winced as he rubbed his ankle that got twisted after he got out from the car to the ground. 

Four…

“Billy!” Lana screamed from afar. 

Three…

“Shit shit shit shit.”

Two…

Billy tried to walk as fast as he could, away from the car. 

One. 

-

Billy didn’t explode in the car, but his ankle got twisted and his leg was burned from the sparks of the explosion. Laying down on the hospital bed after consulting with medical staff in the ER, Lana accompanied him throughout the day. Not leaving his side. Even his parents came to check up on him. His mum was crying, thinking that he died or something. It made his heart warm by the fact that he had a second chance with his family. His dad hugged him for the first time in years which was also surprising. But, he liked that surprise. 

“Miss, you’re not supposed to go in there-,” he heard one of the nurses said from outside. What kind of commotion is happeni-.

And there she was. 

Panting like as if she was just running a marathon, she stood there by the ER doorway. Then she saw him. “Billy!” she sighs in relief before instantly running to him. Billy couldn’t believe it as they both embraced each other. She hugs his head close to her chest, her heart beating rapidly. 

“H-how did you-,”

“--Lana called me,” she says with a relieved smile, running her delicate fingers through his hair. Billy turns to look at Lana and saw Lana sipping her coffee with a mischievous smile that says; ‘Thank me later’ all over her face. He gave his sister a nod before turning back up to her. 

“Are you okay?” She aks, concerningly. “Never better, love.”

He was done with being afraid. Done being a coward. 

In her embrace, he pecks her lips. 

Even though she was quite surprised, he earned nothing but a smile from his sweetheart. 

“I’d say yes, y’know?”

“About what?”

“If you still want to marry me.” 

Billy smiles to her. Guess he gotta save up then.

A/N: I SWEARRRR this fic took me so long to complete cuz it’s so overwhelming to write especially the Cranstead Fields scene- I had to go back and forth on youtube to keep the dialogues and description right꒰ᐢ. .ᐢ꒱. But anw, thank you so much for reading until the end! I hope you guys enjoyed it and I still had so much fun writing this fic. I hope this fic makes sense, cuz I really wanted to keep it as accurate as possible with ‘Trigger Point’ in the first place(゜▽゜;). I’m up for requests for any Ewan characters and if you want me to write something in the future or you have ANY fic ideas, don’t hesitate to hmu! My inbox is open :D THANK YOUU!!! 

P.S, I would like to give a little shoutout to @/targaryenrealnessdarling and the Cranstead Fields scene was also inspired by their Billy Washington series fic called “It’s Who We Have” so please check their blog as well they wrote so many amazing fics. 

That’s all! Love, Alice!ִֶָ🐇་༘࿐

Tags🎀: @ladytargg @anukulee @michaelsgavey @whencokewascasual @fan-goddess

[ceilingfan5]

make it count

"problem" for @taznovembercelebration

Kravitz thought he was already having a weird night, but the guy tumbling out of his closet was, honestly, a real surprise. 

“AUGH, FUCK,” Kravitz says, flawlessy parried by closet guy’s “FUCK, AUGH.”

Kravitz steps back. Too far. The bed catches his ass, which hopefully looks like he sat down intentionally and didn’t reverse kneecap himself. Closet guy straightens up, long, gorgeous hair all over the place, and he spits hair out of his mouth and eyes Kravitz, steely, but also nervous, like Kravitz might be angling to kick his ass. 

Kravitz might. He hasn’t decided yet. He’s a little panicked, and he doesn’t like, WANT to call the cops, obviously, but there’s a fuckin’ dude in his closet and he’s been home for like three hours now. He’s played dad rock as high as his phone could go and danced in his boxers, and showered, and changed into pajamas, and eaten popcorn like both a horse and the tender but misunderstood delinquent girl feeding that horse and maybe that’s not necessarily something he wanted some kind of malignant fucknugget to witness.

“Who the fuck are you and how did you get in my apartment??” he demands, grabbing the nearest heavy object and brandishing his shitty lamp that makes an annoying noise when it’s on like it’s some kind of newfangled glaive-mace. 

“Who the fuck are you and where am I?” closet guy retorts aggressively, in a funny accent Kravitz can’t really place. Maybe it’s fake. Is this guy fucking with him? He’s too tired to be fucked with. He won’t allow it. 

“My apartment, asshole, keep up!” 

“Answer the first question!”

“You first!” Kravitz juts with the lamp, which is unfortunately a little flaccid, what with its flexible spine and all. He should have grabbed a shoe and just chucked it. 

“I don’t remember what you said!” the guy admits, which, okay, Kravitz kind of gets it, and it’s sort of hard to stay serious, even with his hackles up as they are. “Why are you dressed like that?”

“I’m in my pajamas!” Kravitz says, defensive. He knows the old, old Death Note t-shirt and Jack Skellington pants, which he got from the defunct K-mart mumble years ago, are not like. Flattering. BUT!! Listen. His vintage monogrammed pjs are in the dirty pile. And the dirty pile has gotten a little big, cause things have been nuts at work, and he’s worn out and exhausted and other words for fuckin’ wiped. What is it people say now. Eepy? Baby you’d best believe he’s eepy to the core like some kind of fucking blood disease. 

Man. Maybe he should get his vitamins checked. 

But also fuck you, closet guy, he’s in his own home, and no one was supposed to witness him tonight. He’s done being seen and perceived. You hear him? Done!

“Is that…so.” The guy squints at him. Kravitz would be assuming what the fuck he’s judging Kravitz on, but he kind of got lost in the attractive freckles and his long elegant fingers, and the gap in his teeth. And the hair, despite the fact that it is still all over the place, isn’t a minus. “I am Taako, prince of the elves.” 

“Oh, okay, and we’re back to zero,” Kravitz says, cheerfully realizing he’s going to have to fucking call 911 because he truly cannot figure out what the better option is. Except. He’s going to get strangled in his fucking Death Note t-shirt from 2013 because his goddamn Jack Skellington pants don’t have pockets and his phone is in the kitchen, actually, and they may not put that in his eulogy but everyone is going to know anyway, because of cringe osmosis. 

He doesn’t usually believe in cringe. Funny what imminent death does to your philosophy. 

“Why is that?” Taako squints at him, tucking hair behind his ears. And, shit, maybe he’s done costume work for whatever the fuck this is, maybe he’s had some insane plastic surgery, but his ears truly are crazy pointy. Not even elf in a movie pointy, like ten, twelve inches long, and they flick when Taako touches them. Kravitz reorients some facts, none of which add up, and he struggles.

“I’m Kravitz,” he says, against both his good judgement and his judgement he uses when his good judgement is dirty. 

Taako squints at him harder. Kravitz wonders if he should put the lamp down, especially considering it knocked over his wifi router which is blinking frantically like some kind of crying electric beast, but honestly whatever at this point. Like, is he going to die? Shit, then at least he doesn’t have to work tomorrow, you know? Sorry mama, he promises he cares, mostly. 

“Assistant head of sales,” he adds. Taako considers this at length. 

“I think I took the wrong portal,” he decides. He turns back to the closet, which reveals that he has a tail, actually, for real, as far as Kravitz can gather, and puts his hands on his enticing hips in frustration when he finds Kravitz’s bullshit mess of Work clothes, Dress Up clothes, Play clothes, and Nobody Can See Me Fuck Off clothes. And also four wigs, his heated blanket, the printer he’s mad at, an embarrassing amount of hangers,  and two paper boxes full of dumb garbage he can’t let go of from two moves ago. And some glitter. Shut up is why. 

"What the fuck is going on?" Kravitz demands. 

"Well," Taako says, with deep conviction, and doesn't finish. He turns back to face Kravitz. That tail flicks dismissively, still somehow incredibly appearing to be legitimate. Kravitz eyes him over, takes in his elaborate and scrumbled suit-gown of purple and gold gossamer and his thighs high boots and his golden eye makeup and also the way he keeps glancing at Kravitz's pajama pants. 

"Well?" Kravitz prompts. "You realize you're in Austin, Texas?" 

"Nah, uh," Taako looks a little pale now. "Chaboi was in Phandolin, in uh, Faerun, the fuck is a Texas?" 

So true. 

"Don't you dare tell me you hopped through a portal in my closet like reverse Narnia." 

"Narnia?" 

Man. Maybe Kravitz will hit him with the lamp. Shame he's so pretty. 

"I don't have time for this," he mutters. "You always watch those fantasy movies and they just handle it, but I don't have- what am I supposed to do, call in an elf prince personal day? If I'm going to take an elf prince personal day you can bet- sorry, I…" Kravitz winces. Just because he wants this to be fake doesn't mean there isn't a situation at hand. 

"I mean, Taako is all for an elf prince personal day if it means what I think it means." Taako grins, showing surprisingly sharp teeth, which Kravitz feels totally regular about, no details thanks. "I was running from some assholes who wanted to murder me. I mean, I don't necessarily think monarchy is the way of the future either, but you don't see me assassing about it." 

"Well, no monarchy here." Kravitz can't help but be glib. He finally puts the stupid lamp down. Just on the bed. No way he's sleeping anytime soon. This makes the cord pull taut. His sad router just slumps onto the floor. Taako jumps and inspects its flashing lights, alarmed but also kind of fascinated. 

"No?" He glances at Kravitz, and back at the lights. "Sick. That sounds easier."

"Well, it's not like there's no- we don't have to do politics. Hey, Taako, if I take this as nonfiction, which I am not committed to, and do not faint, which I am also not committed to, what the fuck am I meant to do next?"

"I mean either we take that elf prince personal day, really make it count, or uh, you magic me back home, mister?" 

"Magic isn't real!" Kravitz runs his hands down his face, excruciatingly aware of the comedy of the situation. 

"Ah," Taako says, really tasting the gravity here. "Guess there's no option but to fuck me." 

"Now hang on," Kravitz says, struggling not to laugh. 

"No, I'm right, probably." 

[dethkomic]

The End

Well gang... Here we are. The end of an era!

Okay, so, maybe not that. But certainly the end of a dethkomic. For now, hehe.

I want you guys to know something. I want those of you who have only been with the fandom for a little while to know someone.

That's me... a younger me... in front of my artist alley table at NYCC in 2013. The Klokateer on the left is my friend, Holkie.

Her real name was Holly, and she was a New York native who braved the ridiculous train and subway systems that day (It was Saturday, so things were nuts) just to come out and meet a random person she met through the Metalocalypse fandom. I was surprised and delighted to see her for the first time, live and in person. I gave her some of my werewolf comics, we talked MTL, and generally had a good time. Unfortunately, that was both the first and last time we'd ever see one another in the flesh.

Holkie died in late 2020, just a few months before the Metalocalypse movie was announced. It's a shame she isn't still here to see the show conclude. But I'm willing to go on record and say without her, and her dedication and genuine hard work as a fan, we might not be getting a movie otherwise. She ran the original Dethklok Minute on Livejournal and continued that work here on Tumblr for a time. It kept us fans up-to-date and looking forward to more Dethklok in a time when news about the show was hard to come by, and interest threatened to wane in-between seasons(that's just how it is when you're a fan of an animated series). I know wherever she is, if there's any justice to be had in this life and whatever happens after, she's somewhere biding her time before the premiere with my other friend (and yours) Jon Schnepp. And in the great hereafter, the two of them will have front-row seats in a theatre with a kickass surround sound system. And there'll be a 3D IMAX option. And Dorito dispensers. And candy snake tits. Whatever they are.

I thought a lot about Hokie when I wrapped this comic. I got emotional more than a little when I was writing the eulogy given by her own Klokateer OC, Janet. You might guess that Janet's speech had as much to do with Cherry as it did Holkie, and you'd be right about that. But more so, I wanted it to be a statement to all of us.

When you have a fandom like ours -- a bunch of people who believe in a little cartoon show about heavy metal idiot-gods that hasn't had the ability/huge budget of other shows to churn out official content on a regular basis... and in spite of that -- in spite of apparent cancellation, even -- it still manages to come up with a great storyline, memorable characters, and captures the imaginations of talented masses like yourselves who have managed to make some of the most compelling fan-content on the internet for over a decade, now... It defies probability. And in our case, it defies being cancelled without a resolution.

I think that's something quite special. And it's worth celebrating.

Today is Halloween here in the USA. In our fandom, it's also the last day of Kloktober 2022. To me, this has always been a special time of year -- and I sometimes feel, even more than January 1st, it's a time of celebration for what has come to pass. It's a time of reflection and looking back. It's a time of looking forward to what will be. I can think of no better time to say thank you to each and every one of you dethkomic readers out there, for making this a kickass year. Thank you all -- my MTL friends from the internet, casuals who lurk in our fandom, people who are or who have worked on the show, and everyone in general, for keeping the faith. Thanks for keeping the torch burning.

Holkie, wherever you are, we hope we're doing you proud. This comic has been dedicated to you. And I really miss you. We all do.

Here's to the end. Here's to what's to come. Here's to you all.

Remember... Dethkomic loves you.

[necromancy-enthusiast]

I’ve been seeing people throw Al-Jazeera articles around a lot and have had a hard time with it because I’ve wanted to say on the posts that Al-Jazeera isn’t the most reliable source of news, but am concerned people will think I'm Pro-Israel or that I’m trying to derail by being pedantic. So I guess I’ll make my own post about this.

Al-Jazeera is owned by the state of Qatar, specifically having been founded by members of the royal family, the house of Thani. According to mediabiasfactcheck.org, they have a mixed reliability rating (you can see exactly what they mean by that here) As of November 16th 2023, Qatar is ranked 105 out of 180 countries in the World Press Freedom Index.

So the Qatari royal family has a heavy hand on its country’s press, and they don’t like letting anything that makes them look bad get out. Exactly how heavy-handed are they? Well, in 2010 a Qatari poet named Mohammed al-Ajami, aka Ibn-al Adheeb recited a poem he wrote that was critical of the royal family… Privately. In his apartment. In Cairo, Egypt. One of the people present secretly recorded it, uploaded it to Youtube, and he was arrested for it in 2011. In 2012 he was sentenced to life in prison, which was reduced to 15 years in prison in 2013, and he was finally released on a pardon after more than 4 years in jail in 2016. Yikes.

Does that mean everything Al-Jazeera says is a lie? No, but it does mean you have to remember all those biases whenever you see articles, op-eds, etc from them, and consider if they’re the kind of source you want to associate yourself with. Because someone else could come along and point out all the things that I said, then followed it up with ‘why should anyone believe you, or the kind of things you and Al-Jazeera are saying about Palestine, since they’re clearly biased towards Palestine and against Israel and they’re owned by the royal family, who represses people that criticize them?’ Your credibility will immediately take a hit, and so will that of the cause of the Palestinian people.

I am not trying to make anyone feel stupid or bad if they uncritically read and reblogged an Al-Jazeera article in the past. I am trying to help people know that they need to be vigilant against potential misinformation or associating themselves with sources known for misinformation or were created to further the source's own agenda. You need to be very, very careful in situations like this where so much bias against Palestine has been piled up, and there are so many people dedicated to discrediting them or anyone sympathetic to them. Because organizations like the Israeli Defensive Force can lie over and over and over and it will barely touch them, but if one false claim is made about Palestine, it will immediately be held against them.

[thisaintascenereviews]

Bring Me The Horizon - Post Human: Survival Horror

Bring Me The Horizon is one of the most popular bands in the world, and they can thank themselves for that, because they started experimenting with outside influences and styles outside of metalcore and deathcore. They started off as a deathcore band that a lot of people hated; I remember the disdain in full force, as I was a huge fan of them around 2008/2009, back when they dropped second album, Suicide Season. Even with that, they went into more of a metalcore sound with that album, but they were very heavy. During the early 2010s, when metalcore was at its most generic and derivative, Bring Me The Horizon released Sempiternal in 2013, and that record introduced alt-metal, nu-metal, and hard-rock into their sound, whereas 2015’s That’s The Spirit properly utilized those sounds and they didn’t have as many breakdowns and heavier moments. Things really changed with 2019’s Amo, in which the band doubled down their outside influences by including pop and electronic music. I really enjoyed that record, as it was the first time I enjoyed a BMTH album in years, but I wondered where they’d go from there.

Well, that’s where Post Human: Survival Horror comes into play. This was supposed to be the first of four EPs, so who knows if we’re getting the other three, but this came out around the start of the pandemic in 2020, and I remember listening to it a couple of times, but I didn’t think too much of it. Fast forward a few years later, and BMTH are not only one of the biggest bands in the world, they’ve been steadily dropping new songs, the latest of which being “Kool-Aid” just a couple of weeks ago, I thought I’d go ahead and revisit this album. It’s not quite an album, I guess, but it’s 32 minutes, so I don’t know. I figured I’d revisit this, and spend some time with it, because I didn’t have anything else to sink my teeth into. I also think it would be worth looking at in retrospect, just to see how well it’s aged, or if it hasn’t.

Thankfully, though, this record has aged quite well, but that’s kind of because Survival Horror seems to be at a crossroads for them. This album reintroduces some elements of metalcore, surprisingly. If you’re a fan of their older material, you’ll like a few tracks here, especially the opener, “Dear Diary,” which is some of the heaviest stuff they’ve done in awhile, but they’re still moving forward in their sound with songs like the Babymetal-assisted “Kingslayer,” or “1X1” with alt-metal / nu-metal duo Nova Twins. Songs like these are both heavy and catchy all at once, but you do have some softer moments, too, such as “Obey” with Yungblud, where it does have some heavier stuff in it, but the backbone of the song is very pop-focused. I’m not personally a huge fan of Yungblud, and I’d say that’s the song that probably works the least for me, but its hook is still really solid.

Closing track “One Day The Only Butterflies Left Will Be In Your Chest” not only has a song title that sounds like it would have been in the mid-00s, but Evanescence’s Amy Lee is featured on this ballad, and my god, it’s gorgeous. This song sounds beautiful. Her angelic vocals add a level of gravitas that makes it work really well, but it’s such a great closer. It’s a great ending for a half hour record, and it never feels as though it’s too long or dragging. This record has the distinction of having songs that are memorable and are distinguished from each other, but they all flow together, nonetheless. Frontman Oliver Sykes is a good reason for that, too, and I haven’t mentioned him much here so far, but wow, he’s so good. His voice has gotten better over the years, and he has a good range within his clean vocals and harsh vocals, but the addition of harsher vocals on this record is a good one, because he handles it well.

The rest of the band is good, too, and the instrumentation is a good complement to him. This record isn’t all just pop hooks and breakdowns, either, but to be fair, the hooks are really good. Sykes and company are one of the best bands in this style that utilize hooks, and Sykes has a way with writing catchy hooks, and this record is no exception. I hadn’t listened to this album in a few years, and I remembered it quite well. There are a handful of really cool riffs and solos, too, and it’s surprising coming from this band, but I perked my ears up every time I heard something interesting and that did something cool, such as a solo, a really unique breakdown, or something interesting, but I enjoy this quite a lot. If you’re like me, and you jumped ship after a certain point with these guys, or you still like them and just want to see them go back to a heavier sound, you’ll probably like this. The best thing about this record is that it doesn’t feel as though they’re trying to pander, but they’re just trying to incorporate older sounds, and it works very well. If anything, and from the new songs they’ve put out, too, I’m excited for another record from these guys.

[deadcactuswalking]

REVIEWING THE CHARTS: 09/09/2023 (Kylie Minogue, Kenya Grace, Tion Wayne/Nines)

Content warning: Discussion of death and some sex references

Doja Cat dethrones Olivia Rodrigo at #1 on the UK Singles Chart, with “Paint the Town Red” becoming her first ever song to top the chart. Welcome back to REVIEWING THE CHARTS!

Rundown

As always, we start with the notable dropouts, which are songs exiting the UK Top 75 (that’s what I cover) after five weeks in the region or a peak in the top 40. This week, we say farewell to “On the Radar Freestyle” by Drake and Central Cee, “FE!N” by Travis Scott featuring Playboi Carti and Sheck Wes - kind of - “Pakistan” by D-Block Europe featuring Clavish, “How Does it Feel” by Tom Grennan, “Everywhere” and “Dreams” by Fleetwood Mac, “Everybody Wants to Rule the World” by Tears for Fears, “Kill Bill” by SZA, “Another Love” by Tom Odell and finally, “Riptide” by Vance Joy. And stay out.

Always infinitely more interesting are our notable gains, which this week includes “Party All the Time” by Hannah Laing and HVRR at #57, “DNA (Loving You)” by Billy Gillies featuring Hannah Boleyn at #54, “I Remember Everything” by Zach Bryan featuring Kacey Musgraves at #50, “Rave Out” by Turno, Skepsis and Charlotte Plank at #41, “Feel It” by Jazzy at #35, “Bittersweet Goodbye” by Issey Cross at #23, “Rush” by Troye Sivan at #22 thanks to a remix featuring PinkPantheress and Hyunjin of Stray Kids (it’s alright), “Asking” by MK and Sonny Fodera featuring Clementine Douglas at #14 and finally, Fred again.. and Obongjayar get their first top 10 hits as credited artists with “adore u” - even if I’m not a fan of the song, still happy for them at #9.

Our top five on this week’s UK Singles Chart is pretty standard: we have Peggy Gou’s “(It Goes Like) Nanana” at #5, “What Was I Made For?” by Billie Eilish at #4, “vampire” at Olivia Rodrigo down to #3, “Cruel Summer” by Taylor Swift at #2 and of course, “Paint the Town Red” at #1. Now off to look at our interesting list of new entries.

NEW ARRIVALS

#75 - “HONEY (ARE U COMING)” - Maneskin

Produced by SLY and Rami

As soon as I saw this title, I had my concerns about this Italian rock band dipping into incredibly unsexy “I WANNA BE YOUR SLAVE”-esque territory, but whilst the double entendre may still be there, the song is more about sheer adrenaline… and it goes hard as balls. I’ve never been a fan of Mr. David’s nasal delivery, but he rides the riff pretty effectively here, even going into a falsetto he can’t even really hit for the purpose of just having chaotic fun, which seems also to be the reason for the switch between a slimy sing-songy flow in the chorus and its ending screech. The riffs here are infectious, with some great subtle overdubs in the verses, and once again, Ethan Torchio on the drums does a lot to keep this song’s momentum going with a basic but propulsive drum pattern that hits heavy in the chorus and plays really well off of the nastier bass as it rattles around the mix during that post-punk-esque bridge. I do wish the final chorus had a better build up than the smash-in technique it goes for here, but this still kicks a decent amount of ass, even if it’s not all that interesting or unique for this band.

#73 - “Back on 74” - Jungle

Produced by J. Lloyd

It is incredibly painful to see a song called “Back on 74” debut at #73. So close. Anyway, Jungle are a real unique group - you could call them a soul group, an electronic music group, but I don’t think they can effectively be pigeon-holed really. They’re probably best described as a funk group active since 2013 and consistently snatching top 10 albums in the UK. It was of no surprise to see their latest, Volcano, peak at #3 there but it is a bit of a surprise to see them on the singles chart, this being their highest-peaking song in the UK Singles Chart ever and first since 2014’s “Time” which peaked all the way down at #94. I’ve yet to listen to that album yet, but this is a great cut with Lydia Kitto on lead vocals, keeping in a breathy, sometimes clipping higher register amidst a rolicking groove and cute acoustics that exemplify probably the most appealling part of this song to me: sincerity. It’s a nostalgic-feeling jam with seemingly the best intentions with each little vocal harmony, especially when the guys join in on the second verse with Kitto or provide that deep-pitched “oh-oh” doo-wop lines during the chorus. Kitto has some really flailing vocal riffs here too, poking out of the mix kind of desperately in a way that reflects that mantra of “let it go!” The warm synth keys, almost reminding me of Tyler the Creator in how they replicate what would be a brass instrument in an older song, come in later and really seal the deal for me, trickling down until… the song just kind of ends, abruptly, and slightly disappointedly. We do return for a soulful acoustic outro consisting mostly of vaguely psychedelic improv, but it doesn’t feel like a substantial conclusion to a song with so much drive. Otherwise, I mean, it’s still a good ride to hop on, just could have found a better destination. I would be surprised if this stick around too but, hey, I wouldn’t be complaining - it’s rare that something like this ends up even this high.

#72 - “Miillion Dollar Bill” - Beyond Chicago, Majestic and Alex Mills

Produced by Beyond Chicago and Majestic

This is a bit of a deep cut, guys! For context, “Million Dollar Bill” is a throwback-sounding disco and funk track by the legend Whitney Houston herself, released in 2009 and produced by Alicia Keys and her husband Swizz Beatz, yet somehow not ending up sounding in any way modern. This is probably a good thing for Whitney, as her performance here and the instrumental she’s on has never felt perfectly right to me; she still had the pipes in 2009 obviously, but she approached the song in a way that didn’t feel as youthful as it should, as proven by Alicia Keys’ fresh-faced backing vocals that kind of just make me wish she kept the song for herself. It’s also just kind of a boring song, with very little up its sleeves other than relying on sheer belting prowess from its lead star. Regardless, as the lead single from her final album, it still peaked at #5 in the UK, and is clearly remembered enough for a remix by UK DJs Beyond Chicago and Majestic, who you may know from his remix of Boney M.’s “Rasputin” which peaked at #11 just a few years ago. Now on one hand, this song does what the song should have always done, increased the punch of the percussion and picked the pace up a bit. On the other hand, we no longer have the iconic Whitney Houston and are stuck with the completely serviceable - most of the time - Alex Mills, who covers the song without the subtlety that Whitney inherently brought at times in that original version. That’s mostly a good thing when it comes to the incessant French house flip that this song has, still maintaining a replicated version of some of the original, more organic percussion for the pre-drop but going all-out elsewhere on basically digitising this single. I’m still pretty torn on it - it makes the song what it was probably written as, with little regard to who it was written by or for. It slaps harder but less interestingly, it’s got more vocal leap but less personality. It’s structurally completely fine so it’ll function in a club, and I guess that’s this song’s only real purpose so I’m sure it can be a fully ignorable version of a pretty uncommonly-brought-up single from the tail end of a legend’s career.

#65 - “I KNOW ?” - Travis Scott

Produced by OZ, Coleman, Travis Scott, Buddy Ross and BBYKOBE

When listening to UTOPIA, this song may have been the track that exemplified just how much I was bored and frustrated by Travis, as this entire song seems like an exercise in testing patience. It’s plopped right in the middle of the album, between the mysterious Beyoncé-featuring “DELRESTO (ECHOES)”, an aimless, wandering lecture on how to lose all momentum, and the album’s attempt at a grimy banger, “TOPIA TWINS”, so the link between the two complete opposites kind of needs to be substantial, or smooth or at least effectively transitional. This is a piano-led stodge with distorted and time-stretched samples placed in and out as haphazardly as possible to connote “experimentation”. This could potentially fit into a hypnotising, drugged-out atmosphere as Travis has often fell into before but the layers of synth aren’t there, the vocal samples cut in and out, including his own ad-libs which are mixed interruptingly loud, and he has twenty girls sucking him “like bisons”. Regardless, the mindless repetition is enough to make this a catchy song, and hence a fan favourite that has lasted way longer than I expected in terms of its streaming traction. It’s not offensively bad like many other cuts on that album, or even all that frustratingly boring like the rest of it given its shorter runtime, but it’s still just about as worthless.

#53 - “Demons” - Doja Cat

Produced by d.a. got that dope

This series has for the most part always been “all about the music, man”, even if I do often get political or make off-hand comments about scandals. The one thing I tend to avoid - half because I just don’t care enough and half because it accentuates that musical focus - is the music video for a song. I will rarely ever watch a video for a song, genuinely, and this hurts several songs that I end up reviewing. This was a bigger deal from the mid-2010s and earlier, dating back to the 1980s, where videos were a big event that often came with the song to create cultural phenomena, but it’s not like we’ve had a “Thriller”-level match of phenomenon single and cinematic video since, well, maybe “This is America”? Music videos are a lot less important it feels nowadays, at least in the Anglosphere, and I bring this up because the video for “Demons” seems like it was made completely in conjunction with the song. Doja’s teeth-grinding yelps aren’t as villainous without the cloned pitch-black devils echoing them, the trap metal beat from d.a. got that dope of all people doesn’t blast as well without the knowledge that it’s the endless soundtrack to this helpless woman and her kids trying to escape the demonic creatures, and Doja’s sing-songy cadence sounds childlike without the condescending looks and that typewriter scene that practically explains why the second verse’s flow is so awkward. I’m not a music video reviewer though, I review songs and yes, surprise, surprise, I still like this. The horror movie strings are immediately punctuated by a shoddily-mastered bass and maniacal laughter from Doja, who cuts off her own gasping-for-air ad-libs with creepy empty space that is even more noticeable when the stiff beat seems like it should be doing more to cover her minimal, nursery rhyme verses. I’ll admit that the hook gets a bit stale, but the sarcastic pettiness and gross sex bars in that second verse increase the theatrics in a very typically unsubtle way that ensures this won’t fade from memory anytime soon. I’m dying on a very risky hill here, but hey, if Baby Keem needed to be a woman rapping over slasher film soundtracks all this time for me to like him (her?), then Doja found the formula before he could get to it.

#46 - “Last Time I Saw You” - Nicki Minaj

Produced by Hendrix Smoke, ATL Jacob, Bak, Frankie Bash and TooDope

The Queen of Rap is back with her sequel to her debut, Pink Friday and just like the original, there are sugary tacked-on pop singles. This particular one is a bit of a new lane for Nicki though, considering it’s a slow synthpop jam, held together by a ringtone lead synth and some of the worst straw-sounding drums I’ve ever heard on this kind of production backing a harder backbeat that actually functions, perhaps a bit more than Nicki’s mush-mouth singing that is still quite limited, even if it’s far from a bad performance, and coated in enough reverb and Auto-Tune to drown out many of the flaws. In fact, this restrained, kind of muted singing fits pretty well for a song about regretting being not as close as she could in a relationship before it ended. The rap verse may not really take the restraint angle, and it’s not exactly a good verse for Nicki’s standards, but it functions basically as a guest-rap verse on her own song, which is a cute decision, and doesn’t distract much from the song’s flow. In fact, on repeated listens, I began to really like this. Content-wise, the song is just vague enough to reflect any relationship, but does make it clear that it’s not purely romantic, and makes some leads toward it being about her late father, with her struggling to complete the sentence “I killed it”, which resonates with me particularly because there’s always a sense of guilt and loss that you weren’t the perfect person for someone when that person close to you dies, and being as closed-off as Nicki as in this performance, not really wanting to talk about it, was my instinctual reaction too when my father passed. The bridge is what really sold me on this though, with that speck of ambiance amidst all the backing vocal layers, a distant electric guitar signifying his death, before Nicki observes the stars in a nostalgic interpolation of Madonna’s “Lucky Star”, naming her father as the first star she notices in the sky that night. Then the vocal and synth layers continue to pile up, repeating mantras of sentences, whilst the drums transfix into this jerky Jersey club rhythm that never fully comes to a conclusion, just fading into a drumless chorus that is honestly pretty beautiful, especially with what sounds like a subtle male backing vocal harmonising with Nicki on the first line of that final hook. I… may have just talked myself into loving this one. I’ve got to stop doing that.

#43 - “AMEN” - Tion Wayne and Nines

Produced by Smokey.jam and GUSTO

The two grit-voiced UK rappers team up for a collaboration that makes all too much sense and yes, whilst it is mostly a Tion Wayne song with a Nines guest verse, Nines still must have injected some fury in Tion here considering how he comes in with a lot of violence here, making his typical pop culture potpourri of references just that more fun. He’s over a pretty nasty beat too, blending shuffling boom bap drums with an eerie acoustic loop and some gorgeous female vocals standing airily in the back of the chorus. The call-and-response with the choir in the chorus is a brilliant choice to make this song anthemic, and to my surprise, Nines doesn’t really mess it up either. He comes in as sloppy and conversational as he’s always been, but his lowkey basically-just-talking flow is a nice respite from Tion’s aggression and he occasionally sounds smooth even. As a whole piece, this may not be perfect - it’s not exactly the most potent either have been - but it’s a great pumping rap banger outside of the trap and drill subgenres, which I feel like we’ve been missing lately. Hell, if this whole G-Unit revival sound in the UK is going to bring songs like this, I can’t be too upset at Digga D for helping start that.

#20 - “Strangers” - Kenya Grace

Produced by Kenya Grace

This one kind of came out of nowhere, especially for a top 20 hit, but this is Kenya Grace, a singer from London with just a few songs out as of writing, and this is her massive breakout hit, “Strangers”, which I see as a more futuristic and cinematic version of what PinkPantheress has been doing, replacing her more vintage-sounding samples with a plastic 80s synth and ominous vocal loops, whilst keeping the rhythmic, wistful delivery. Sadly, the chorus really doesn’t hit here, as it’s just two extended, kind of awkward lines with that “uh-huh” mantra filling in the blanks. Interestingly, just like PinkPantheress, the song feels unfinished, but in a completely different way, not that there’s a great song that just needs a proper emotional climax, but in that this song feels like a template for what could be a brilliant track, and never gets there, which is especially annoying since it uses the momentum of a drum and bass track to propel itself, which makes it incredibly unsatisfying when nothing aligns together as it should. It’s a good effort but I’m more hoping for a more realised follow-up than listening to this one anytime soon.

#19 - “Tension” - Kylie Minogue

Produced by Duck Blackwell and Richard “Biff” Stannard

And from a singer who was a practical unknown until recently to perhaps the most established and no-introduction-needed artist in this list. The second single and title track from her upcoming album, is “Tension” going to live up to the big comeback of “Padam Padam”? Well, perhaps it won’t be a similar phenom, but it applies a similar formula with the robotic repetition and bordering-on-cringeworthy lyrics amidst a slightly bubblier production than the last single, going for a 90s piano house lead and very fizzy synth bass plucks following every angle of the mix, even in the intensely-filtered pre-chorus which is practically a call-and-response, but with Kylie’s heavily affected cooing that eventually transforms into this completely unrecognisable glitched fabric mixed sloppily onto a slap house rhythm as the bass dominates the mix until what is practically a drop-within-a-drop, that brings in a freaking sick bass guitar line and releases a lot of airier synth soundscapes. The second verse has some fantastic choir-like backing vocal layers, and the rest of the song’s progression just continues to overwhelm in a way that seems set to establish Kylie’s sexual and pop culture dominance. As she’s basically a mystical figure in pop at this point, this new practically alien futuristic house sound that’s minimal in idea, maximum in execution, is a sound I really love for her. It actually brings her into the modern pop scene a lot smoother than you’d think, because it incorporates elements of her existing stage and media persona. This is great - silly, but not bordering on stupid like “Padam Padam” - instead, it’s just fantasical and out of this world in a really gripping way.

Conclusion

What a good week. There are only three songs of nine I wasn’t a fan of and even then, they’re far from terrible. Travis Scott does end up with Worst of the Week for “I KNOW ?”, but a Dishonourable Mention isn’t needed. Instead, how about two Honourable Mentions for “Back on 74” by Jungle and “Last Time I Saw You” by Nicki Minaj which was very close but does mean that Best of the Week goes to Kylie Minogue for “Tension”. There was a lot of good stuff this week though; I’ve yet to listen to Olivia Rodrigo’s newest but I hope she brings some of that same quality next week. As for now, thank you for reading, rest in peace to Steve Harwell and I’ll see you then!

[ghoulangerlee]

if i could ask without it being rude. . .

what/when did you realize you were nonbinary?

lately i've been wondering if the gender binary fits for me and i was just hoping you might have some answers or guidance or something

anon this is not rude at all! i am always open to talk about my experiences with gender identity! thank you so much for feeling safe enough to come to me, I do hope my answer sheds some light on things for you.

please excuse any spelling errors bc I am currently typing with one eye open haha. (also under a read more bc i got wordy sorry I hope this helps!! I'm here for you anon!!)

So, I was about 19 when I realized that 'girl' didn't really fit me? Looking back I think it might have always been like this, but I grew up in a small southern town where the only out gay person was bullied so relentlessly that he left town and we never saw him again.

So, 19, I come across this tumblr account that centered heavily on genderfluidity, and for a while that identity felt safe to me? I've always been more masculine leaning in general, from a very young age and at the time (this was 2011) genderfluid seemed right. I would fluidly slip between masc and fem and it all felt comfortable and safe and nothing like I'd ever experienced before. Small town me finding out there was more than just gay, lesbian, bi and trans? (trans here in the sense of transgender like, trans man or trans woman).

So yeah, I think at that point for me though, I just lost my mom, I was dealing with a lot of stuff and I didn't have the bandwidth to look too far into anything beyond something that finally made sense in my brain. So while I do still stand by me ID'ing as genderfluid for a few years, it never actually felt right. And you know? That's okay. It was sort of a stepping stone for me, I think. To look more into other gender identities. Because at that time, beyond genderfluid I only knew of trans men and trans women, in like I guess the binary gender sense?

To preface this, I know that definitions of transgender has changed over the years, this is just my personal experience with all of this, which is why some of it may come off as idk outdated?

Anyway, while I ID'd as genderfluid, I went by a masculine nickname and still used she/her pronouns just because I didn't really consider using anything else. Someone once referred to me using he and that sorta felt okay? But also not...right? At the same time. Like it felt better than she, but in the sense that it was a little off to the left of better. Not a perfect fit, but an okay one.

Honestly I could probably dig deep enough on my blog and maybe find some ramblings from that time if I tried hard enough, though I can't for the life of me figure out what I'd have tagged it haha.

So, I don't exactly remember what finally brought on nonbinary other than once I told someone that I didn't really feel like a person? I felt more like a genderless blob so to speak, and that she/her and he/him didn't really feel right to me.

And that friend was like 'well what about they?'

And then someone referred to me using they and everything sort of clicked into place right after that.

My experiences with gender have been quite turbulent, in the past I've dealt with heavy gender dysphoria because I had this idea in my mind that I needed to look androgynous in order to identify as nonbinary. That I wasn't nonbinary enough if I had tits. I binded for several years and fucked my ribs up with it because I am also fat. So, in I would say 2013 is when I finally started using nonbinary? So internet culture led me to believe I needed to be thin and have a flat chest in order to be the right kind of nonbinary, because otherwise I was just a woman.

I still get called she/her in my real life, other than my husband and our friend who both use they/them when referring to me. But, I've learned these past several years that nonbinary doesn't look a certain way? That I don't have to be more masculine leaning in order to ID that way. It feels right, when people use they/them and when they call me Lee, which is why I typically introduce myself that way, other than doctor's offices, and other official places use my birth name.

It took a lot of growing for me, because I had so many negative ideas about femininity and how I could also navigate that while being nonbinary. I refused to wear makeup for the longest time because I thought that that meant I was just faking it, and being a woman.

I've always wanted to be feminine but in the same way that like, a masculine person can be feminine, I guess? So like, in a 'cis man wears a dress and makeup' sort of way if that makes sense.

And I had this idea that I couldn't do that, otherwise I was just a fake nonbinary person?

What ultimately helped me was in 2016/2017 when I worked for Home Depot, my head cashier actually lead a local lgbt+ group and she immediately latched onto me not being straight or cis. Again, this was the south so there was a little bit of growing pains, we all ended up sitting down and talking about gender identity, I talked with some older people who were nonbinary and it opened my mind to start viewing things in a way that like, helped me, I guess?

Like, yeah, makeup is traditionally worn by a woman, but because I am not a woman, wearing makeup does not make me a woman. Just as wearing traditionally masculine clothing, does not make me a man. It just makes me a person wearing make up or a person wearing clothing.

I think overall, if I would have stayed on the internet and kept listening to those people who say that you have to look/be a certain way in order to be nonbinary, I wouldn't have probably reconciled my own issues with how I perceived myself vs nonbinary.

Overall, I'd say start small, the first thing I did was use neutral pronouns, this isn't to say you can't use neopronouns if those feel right to you, or use something like he/they or she/they bc a lot of nonbinary people do that too.

It's okay to experiment with gender. It's okay to tell your friends that you want to be referred to using only neutral pronouns, or a set neopronouns, or what have you. See how that feels.

Take a step back and look at how you perceive certain things, when I was finally able to let go of the idea that things had to be gendered, and that those gendered things only fit one particular gender, it made things so much easier for me.

I stopped hating my chest. Like I'd said earlier, I binded for a while, and it was so uncomfortable, but I Felt like I had to just because of what I'd heard the uh "gatekeepers of gender" say. But now? finding a bra that fits nicely and accentuates my chest? Euphoric.

None of that makes me a woman. I am just a person, and I like things.

Living in the south, good luck with me trying to ever explain this to people around here. So I'm out, but I'm not explicitly out I guess. If people clock it? Good for them. If not? Oh well. I don't really correct people on my pronouns, just because I've finally reached a point where I'm okay with it. My sister and brother in law still call me by my birth name and that's fine too. Because in my head, my name is Lee and my birth name is just a nickname that they have for me.

And again, all of this came with time. With several years. I started this when I was 19 and I'm 31 now, so it took a decent chunk. It's important that you've got a good support system too. And honestly, I'm here for you anon. If you ever need to talk, or vent or anything, my askbox is open. If you wanna come off anon and dm me? Sure.

I can even give you my discord if you'd prefer that.

Navigating gender can be scary, but, it'll be okay. <3

[tellthemeerkatsitsfine]

Nick Helm’s a bit like Rhys James, in that any time I’m not actually looking at him I think of him vaguely as one in a sea of comedians who can be rather amusing on a TV panel show sometimes but he’s nothing special. And then every time I actually watch him, I remember, oh right, he’s fucking hilarious. That is the only thing Nick Helm has in common with Rhys James.

I watched the NextUp stream of his 2023 Edinburgh show, and God, that was so much fun. So much fun. The energy. So much energy. Where does he find the energy? …I just looked up his age, because to be honest I though it would be around 50, and I’ve learned it’s 42. But somehow, the wildly high levels of energy he puts out there make him seem older than he actually is. I think because what happens is he uses wildly high levels of energy, this tires him out, so he’s always out of breath and looks like he’s on the verge of keeling over, and therefore, I thought he was older than he actually is. 42’s not that old. Lots of people could keep this up at 42. But it’s possible that Nick Helm has aged himself beyond his years by so much time doing this shit.

He’s older than he used to be, I’ll say that. In that Edinburgh stream from last week, he looked noticeably older than in his Catsdown Dictionary Corner spots from the mid-2010s. But weirdly, given his comedy style, I think that actually helps. Because he hasn’t slowed down. He just looks like maintaining the energy levels is harder for him than it used to be, and making it look like everything he’s doing is really hard for him is part of his schtick. A schtick that works even better now that he does have grey in hair, and his voice is gone a bit, and he’s out of breath after every song. I realize this is coming off as an incredibly backhanded compliment, “I love the way Nick Helm seems old and fading now.” But honestly, I really do love it! He’s always been great fun, but I think I like this version of him best. Because let’s be honest – he was never a great singer. A beautiful singing voice wasn’t the point. The point was that he was a bit raspy because he kept going comically over the top to try to sing too intensely. Well, at this point, he starts getting the raspiness in his voice earlier than he used to, I think. And it works.

This show was for the tenth anniversary of his album Hot ‘n’ Heavy, which came out in 2013. It’s not a stand-up comedy show, it’s a concert. He plays every song off the album, in order. He does some talking between the songs, and does establish a comedy bit that runs through the whole show, where he berates the audience for not being good enough. He builds it up and then pays it off with enough skill to remind you that he is a comedian, but this isn’t a musical comedy show. It’s a music concert but the songs are funny. And it’s great. It feels like how Nick Helm is meant to be. He’s up there with a full band (a band that includes, among other people, comedians Rob Deering and Huge Davies), and concert-style lights and shit, running around the stage like a rockstar, shout-singing at the audience for an hour and a half.

I think this will reappear on NextUp when they catch up in September, if anyone wants to watch it. You can also buy the album on Bandcamp, though to be honest, seeing Nick Helm’s wild stage presence really adds stuff to it that you don’t get in an audio-only album. It’s amazingly funny to hear his songs delivered while he physically regards his audience with the intensity of a man challenging them to a fight, throwing everything at them that he possibly can, until his voice goes hoarse and he’s literally gasping for breath.

I’d say this song summarizes Nick Helm pretty well. If you like this, then check out more of his stuff. If you don’t, then you will not like anything else he’s ever done. I think it's excellent.

[b0nemilk]

I had a really weird dream I was in a collage but I wasn’t sure if I worked there or I was a student but it was my job to like take people out for enrichment time? The ages varied from 8-mid 20s and with the older group I had to take out I brought around the city of New Orleans where we explored then got really really drunk but then it was also New Years so I drunkenly we all were like let’s go get tattoos I ended up slurring to the tattoo artist to give me a full color sleeve of what ever she wanted in liquid confidence , (out of the dream world I would of never chose full color cuz it’s not what I have on my arms ) the tattoos were random and poorly done like the fucking ninja turtle , snoop dog as a lion , random celebrity one was a logo of a gas station , I also had a castle but coming out of the castle was the bee from the bee movie but with 2013 Justin beibers face , and others I can’t really remember but In the dream the next day when I sobered up I saw that I had spend all the money in my account for this tattoo I and started sobbing I cried to all the people I went out with and was like why would u let me do this it’s horrible so to deal with the stress I went to the. Bar we went to and cried to the bar tender about how this horrible thing happend and he made a tip jar fun to get my arm removed ? So I go back to this place I work or somthing and in the lobby two of the girls had a melt down or something and they strapped them in a chair and put a bag over there head and pressed a button releasing a trap door underneath throwing them to a ward . When I went to the job. Counter to see who I had to hang out with today it was the bartender 8 year old son I remember being confused like how the hell am I gonna bring this lil dude all around New Orleans after I caused a seen on New Years after I went to pick him up the bartender realized that I was the one taking his son out and was like hell no your a regular at this bar I’ve seen u black out almost every night I’m not letting u take my son . So he complains to my job about me and said that he felt unsafe leaving his kid with me and sent me back to my job when I go in i sensed tension in the air and I was like hey guys sorry about that and quickly I was cornered by a bunch. Of buff men in scrubs and strapped down and I was fighting so they strapped my neck down causing it being hard to breath after the put the bag over my head . I felt myself drop through a trapdoor and when I got to the ward no one has seen before it was full of heavy machinery and everyone was chained to different ones with metal masked that covered the lower half of ur face but had a opening with a lock so when u were givin meals or meds they unlock it and you can open ur mouth . After all that it became kind of a blur but I do remember having. A conversation with another girl while we. We’re working and she said the big machines that we were pushing powered the city and that what they did to crazy people to make them not be seen in the public

What do u think it means lmfao

[deep-hearts-core]

2013 - final

originally posted 6/1/20

France The song is good, but the stage performance left a lot to be desired. One of my issues with this performance is that it seems to be relying on sex appeal that Amandine just doesn't have. Like she's alright but her dress and some of the camera angles seemed to be trying to sexualize her in a way that didn't come off quite right. Spain The live vocals here were... so bad. So bad. And I can't take that lead singer seriously because she for some reason reminds me of Dora the Explorer. Staging wasn't so bad I guess and tbh neither is the song itself. Germany This is actually pretty okay, bar Natalie getting extremely off from her backing track during the first verse. Like this song is very Cascada in that it's heavy, trashy schlager, but that doesn't entirely put me off the song. The staging was boring but it could have been way worse. And, aside from the backing track thing I just mentioned, Natalie does a good job performing. I remembered this song as being way worse than it actually is so I'm almost pleasantly surprised.

United Kingdom The song itself is actually pretty nice. I really like the chorus. However, the staging was boring as heck, and honestly? I don't like how Bonnie Tyler sounds here. Like Holding Out for a Hero was great and all but I just hate how she sounds live... especially in the verses, like it's just ugly and I don't like listening to it. Sweden You is another one of those songs that just hits me emotionally. Robin also has a lot of vocal power, which adds to the emotion of the song. I love You as a song, and I think Robin himself did a great job - my grievances here are with the staging. I don't know what was up with those dancers, why they were there, whatever, they added nothing to the performance and seemed out of place a lot of the time and tbh I think that's why this song tanked. Italy Nothing really happens in this song. L'essenziale falls firmly in the category of songs I usually label "it's good, I guess" in these reviews. It's a pretty song, Marco's a good singer, the staging (while not very engaging) works with the song, and Marco looks great in that suit... but alongside the many, many amazing songs from this year it's not hugely good. My top 39

Denmark

Ukraine

Russia

Estonia

Sweden

Greece

Norway

Moldova

Belgium

Armenia

Albania

Finland

Israel

Iceland

Azerbaijan

Latvia

Georgia

Croatia

Malta

Germany

Italy

Lithuania

Montenegro

Ireland

France

Bulgaria

Cyprus

San Marino

Serbia

Slovenia

Switzerland

Austria

Spain

Hungary

United Kingdom

North Macedonia

Romania

Belarus

Netherlands

A little confused by the 21-29 range but for the most part this makes sense to me. The choice between Denmark, Russia, and Ukraine was so hard smh. Voting/intervals The Swedish Smorgasbord skit isn't actually that funny but nothing tops the stunt where Carola is literally blown offstage. That's fucking hilarious. Eric Saade is so... pesky. I don't like him. They seriously couldn't find anyone else to host the green room... Petra's a great host and all, but I need to point out how bitchy she was to the spokespersons after it became clear Sweden wasn't going to do well, she became very brusque with them which not all hosts do and I think it was pretty unprofessional of her. "TEN POINTS GO TO DENMARK I AM SO SORRY" remains one of the funniest Eurovision voting moments even 7 years later.

Thoughts after watching What easily could have happened here is a 2008 situation, where Russia, Ukraine, Norway, and Denmark all canceled each other out and landed solidly in places 2-5 the same way Ukraine, Greece, and Armenia canceled each other out leading to Dima Bilan's win. Clearly that's what Azerbaijan wanted to happen if the accusations of vote rigging have any merit to them. Luckily, though, Emmelie prevailed and gave us a great show in Denmark in 2014.

[latenightteddy]

Celsz…

Losing you has been tough. It still doesn’t feel real. My heart is heavy writing this but ima have to get it out in some way. I think about you all the time. You were truly something special. Knowing how you be sometimes, I’m still hoping that you pulled one on me and faked your death and just moved far away or some shit. Me thinking that is the only way I’m getting by every day. I know that you trusted me with any and everything so I would’ve gotten some kind of call, text, a sign from you that’ll let me know you’re still breathing and that you’re okay. Write me a letter or something under a different name or some shit! You know where I stay. 😂 I wish we could’ve had our moment. I fumbled the ball the first time back in 2013 or whenever that was. I should’ve dropped everything for you like I really wanted to and I’d always feel stupid for not doing it. We’d probably be married at this point lol. Well, officially because you’d always say we were already married, just not legally tho.

God, I miss the fuck outta you. 🥺

Ima miss driving to your house and giving you cupcakes and balloons every year for your birthday. Ima miss how we used to compete in who’s gonna give the best birthday/Christmas/Valentine’s Day gift. Ima miss them lil missions you used to send me out on because somebody had you fucked up lol. I miss everything about you. You were definitely my soulmate. I miss how connected we were. I can’t send you random songs that I KNOW you’re gonna love. I can’t pull up on you just for a hug and a kiss. It’s not the same. And I do feel like I owe you an apology. I’m sorry for not being there for you the last couple months before you unexpectedly passed away. I really wanted to. I should’ve did more, did something! so you could’ve gotten the medicine you needed and maybe you’ll still be here. I just knew we had more time together. I remember the last text I sent you saying that everything will be okay and you’ll be back to your normal self 100% real soon. And a couple days later, gone. I’m still hoping you’re out there somewhere and I hope this post finds you. It’s hard for me to accept the fact that you’re not here. You really did love me for me and I loved you for you. I should’ve said it more while you were here…I miss you. 🫶🏾

[kristinabelyke]

Happy New Year!

I hope everyone had a great new year and it was both happy and safe.

2023 was a wild one for me and I wanted to come here to write out my feelings as most of my social media is all happy....

Welp in Jan last year I was on a friends trip to only be brought down by a friend... it was a stupid comment that left me reeling about certain things. How can someone tear another person down because they love something, I truly don't get how any friend would do that. From there I really started keeping my distance.

Feb I am pretty sure I had covid right after my trip and then into being in Vegas for work. It was one of the hardest weeks as I was SO sick and couldn't just leave the team...

March fell into a place that was so happy so sad. It was the first Eras tour and my friends and I were so excited and getting our outfits prepared for opening night. We truly were in a fantasy world of WHAT IS GOING TO EVEN BE THE ERAS TOUR. It was truly even better to what we were expecting. As there was a lot of happiness there - in my personal family life there was a lot of heavy. My Great aunt fell ill pretty quickly and soon was in hospice care. I was given the chance to see her right after I got back from Arizona, but declined. Death has never been something I could accept and I found it hard to imagine her in a state where she wasn't her lively self. A few days later she passed away surrounded by her family.

April was really chill, it was a time of grief as we had just lost the one person who was at EVERY event.

As much fun as I had in April I don't think I really can describe it as I used going out as a distraction from what was happening. It was sad because I have only seen certain cousins at funerals and when we left this one I said "let's not let a funeral be the next time we see each other". The family was sad but making it through.

May was another time where there was a lot of family events. We went to Idaho for the first time and it truly was something so fresh and it was nice to get away from the chaos. I can't recall the exact time but a cousin fell ill (my great aunts daughter) and was in and out of the hospital from this time. It got to a point where she missed her own daughters wedding - a wedding that had been postponed so many times based on events she had no control of.

June I got to see my best friend, it was so nice to go to indy and see her be a mom and enjoy time with her family. It was the first time I got to be with her since she lost her dad so the few days I was with her meant so much. She has been my best friend since the Disney College Program in 2013 and it has been amazing to grow that.

July, one of the months that was a question mark... My cousin was still in the hospital she wasn't doing well and no one was giving us information, it felt downplayed and it was hard to think she was okay when she was not. BUT July was also a time I got to see more close friends in Oregon and there was yet another DCP reunion to celebrate a 30th birthday. It was so nice to be back in my home state but it was also a good reminder whyyyyyyyy I don't love going back.

August - slipped away like a moment in time... but really. It was a great time... for the most part... More friends and I were able to stay in a villa in Newport Beach for a week and it was quite enjoyable. Something I would never be able to do with out a friend having a great job. During this time we were able to go to the closing night of the Eras tour in LA and it really was such an enjoyable time. Sadly the end of the week my cousin lost her battle to cancer and it was rough. The night she passed I cried for an hour and really didn't know how to process. she was another person at every event or hosting the events. She was an amazing person and such a good friend to everyone.

September was the funeral- and remember how I told my cousin how we need to stop seeing each other at funerals, well sadly that was our next encounter. But that funeral brought out EVERYONE, my cousin was such a light in peoples lives and it showed with how many people showed up and had only kind things to say. She was one who connected with so many people and was again, everyone's friend. She was a teachers aid for kids with special needs and she truly changed lives. One thing that funeral brought was my cousin who I hadn't seen in YEARs closer. Her and I bonded over our love of pop culture and dancing with the stars where we really are able to talk once a week and it just is a fun catchup. September also brought a vacation - one I really wish didn't happen.. It honestly made me feel like such a bad friend for things out of my control and no one should ever feel that way... BUT it also is eye opening of how people think of you. September also brought the invite. THE INVITE.... and truly nothing was ever the same.

October... welp I met Taylor swift.... I turned 30... it was a magical month and It was the light I needed to a truly sad year I had.

November.... It really wasn't special but I started understanding why I need to focus on myself and take a step back... not everyone is going to like you but also, it should't be a thing where you feel like you're just there when convenient. This was where I connected more with friends of the past and felt it was time to start distancing.

December.... another interesting month, the first year without two important people. the entire family was sad and there is nothing anyone can do to change that for now. It just take time to process. but with the bad there was also good, I got to explore new places and try new things and typically I am just a disney girly but was able to try and expand my "influencer" account to really grow something that isn't just disney... although I think I lost more followers then gained it was cool to be creative. This is where I really stepped back and I thought I would have friend to support me and it back fired.... It had lead to a lot of self reflection yet again and to understand and pin point certain things. This brings me to today... January 1st, 2024... where I am optimistic for the new year. I am hopeful more good will come out of this year and I am hopeful for new things.

If you're reading this thank you for letting me vent. If you scrolled to this point well wtf... just kidding it was a ramble but I felt like I needed to vent... It is okay to be sad and it is also okay to write feelings...

Cheers to 2024

Kristina <3

[crazybigredlove]

15th August 2013

Dear Pete, 

Trained with Dylan before work this morning. Not sure if I've mentioned him before other than as my training buddy. We've been training for a few weeks now and he's helping to keep me on track. He's more of a heavy weights guy than CrossFit but sometimes I like that. Even though Jimmy made me sign that thing at the start saying that I would commit to three CrossFit sessions a week, he doesn't seem to mind if I do something with Dylan instead. It can get a little too much being in a big group some days. Anyway, Dylan messaged me late last night to check if I was keen and after I was done explaining to him that I am never keen to do anything, we set a time. 

It was dark and wet as I walked the few blocks over. The world was eerily quiet and it was no challenge to start creating morbid scenarios in my head about all the different ways psychopaths or supernatural creatures would probably kill me during my ten- minute walk. 

"Haven't seen you this early in a while? How're you handling it?" That friendly smile was on his face as we approached the doorway at the same time. Looking strangely alert for such an early hour, his smile was as contagious as ever. There was no flirting or pretence, just him genuinely wanting to know how I'm doing and pleased to see me. It was nice. Through his winter layers hinted an athletic frame and as always the sight of muscles made me smile. What can I say? I have a type. There was a coffee in each of his hands; with a wink he offered me one. "Figured you might need one of these. So what's been happening?" Hesitating, it was hard not to be aware of how much information could easily flow forth when you have a mouth that spills secrets without pause. Accepting the coffee I stumbled trying to find words. Big Red, Christopher, the job... Too much was going on to put into words and it seemed doubtful our friendship had reached the 'spilling it all out at 5am' stage of friendship anyway. 

"Oh you know me, boring as always. Not much changes in my world." "Sorry for the late message last night. I'd never messaged you before so wasn't sure if you were an early to bed kinda girl or not." 

"It's okay. I survived. Mostly." "You sure? I didn't do any permanent damage?" Teasing me, but still not really flirting. "I mean, I can check my diary entry from last night, but I'm certain beyond reasonable doubt that I won't find that yesterday's starts with 'Dear Diary, crying myself to sleep because Dylan messaged me late at night'. Besides, even if I did, I have a really good therapist." There's that second of terror which freezes me to the spot when I remember that my sense of humour is a little intense for people who don't know me that well and can make people uncomfortable while they try to gauge what's real and what's humour. Laughing softly to himself he seemed unfazed. "I thought I had more game than that. Today I thought we might just do some technique work. I know I'm not exactly a coach but there's some drills Jimmy gave me that I wanted to work through and seeing as you're a total rookie I thought maybe you might want to do them too? Promise you're going to get a workout." Peeking out at me from behind long lashes he looked almost nervous. "Rookie? Hey I have big plans to be world champion within a few months. We'll see who's the rookie then." "Don't we all," he said, laughing as always. "Every person in that room thinks they're going to be too." His eyes linger on my face. 

Is he flirting with me? 

"Oh I can handle a little competition." "You're going to need to bring your A game." "Believe me. I always bring my A game." 

Yup. We are definitely flirting now. Frick. 

We went through the motions. Talking, laughing, training, and yet not really giving much away. Hanging out like two normal people who don't really know each other, but who share a common interest. Exactly how guys and girls who only recently met should hang out. Future suitors, take note. 

That was my day mostly. Or at least that was the highlight. There is still no mention between Chris and I about what happened and with each hour that passes I do feel marginally better about it all in that I figure it's a thing of the past and we should probably just leave it there. Of course that may also be my fear of confrontation speaking... 

He was waiting up for me tonight when I got home. I'd spent the evening at the Starbucks down the road (Free wifi + caffeine + open late = Happy Liv) actually working on my manuscript. Yes, you read that correctly. I was super productive. By that I mean that I updated my Twitter, my Tumblr, and my Facebook. Yep, with all that stuff out of the way I am now ready to begin looking at my manuscript. Tomorrow. I'm too tired now. 

Also, why would your brother want my room? He's been dropping hints for weeks now. 

Liv x 

[astupidweeb69]

Unrequited (Yandere! Ticci Toby x Reader)

Second Chapter is here: Part 2 

The Other Chapters: Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6, Part 7, Part 8, Part 9

Author’s Note: This is literally the first thing I’ve written in over 7 years? Possibly longer than 7? I don’t know. The point is, it’s been a long ass time so don’t judge too hard on my writing skills. I’m so out of practice lol.

I just had Toby on the brain and wrote this on a whim. I don’t know if it’s a one-shot or if I’ll write multiple parts. I guess I’ll figure it out later.

I first got into the fandom back in 2013 and kind of watched the fandom die and then come back again in recent years. And now I’m back in my creepypasta phase and I’m writing fanfiction. Whatever, cringe culture is dead. Here’s my writing I guess.

Cross-posted on my Ao3 account, which I update more frequently.

Warnings: Swearing. Some mentions of murder in passing I guess? The reader likes watching horror movies idk. Written in Toby’s perspective. (2,385 words).

******************

He honestly didn’t think it would go this far.

It started off as an innocent glance towards your face. Sure, Toby has seen plenty of people over the years he was attracted to, he was a person made of flesh and blood after all. He tried not to act on these needs though, and if he did, he would at least try to find others in his “line of work” who wouldn’t pry too much into his personal life and wouldn’t judge him (or run screaming) when they got to know him.

But you were different. You weren’t a killer or some kind of monster. You were just a person. A good-looking one, but a person, nonetheless. You were in no way a part of his world and for this reason, were out of Toby’s reach.

However, despite these complications Toby couldn’t bring himself to stay away. The rush he felt every time you so much as entered a mile radius of him was too much for him to handle. He was addicted to the euphoric feeling, the way his body burned and ached to touch yours, how his heartbeat pounded like a drum, and his breathing became heavy with desire. Even his tics would become more noticeable, his muscle spasms and cracking bones gaining the attention of anyone who happened to be around him. Usually it would bother him, even give him a reason to return to whatever shitty rundown place he was calling “home” that week. But he had become accustomed to the cold, monotonous, and unforgiving world that surrounded being a proxy. And he wanted that to change. He wanted you. From the first moment you two had met.

And he could still remember every detail of that day.

*****************

Toby had been out on a supply run at a gas station close to the proxy’s current base. He’d been looking in the chip aisle when the unmistakable sound of a bell chiming alerted the employee behind the register of a new customer.

Toby’s tired eyes briefly shot up to see who had entered. He was met with a cute little thing absolutely drenched from the rain, slightly out of breath from trying to find a dry place as quickly as possible. Unfortunately for you, it didn’t matter how fast you had run, your clothes were already soaked. And fortunately for Toby, you’d decided on wearing a simple white t-shirt that day. It clung to your skin and was practically see through now. You were fumbling with the hem of your shirt trying to get it to stop sticking, trying to shrink yourself down to not catch any unwanted attention. But it was too late, Toby was already focused on you.

Watching you nervously look around for something, his dark eyes followed your every movement as you started to walk in his direction.

Wait, why were you walking towards him? Your eyes were definitely looking his way.

Were you going to talk to him? He felt his heart rate speed up as his mind starting reeling at the possibilities. What if you hit on him? He couldn’t remember the last time a pretty girl spoke to him. Or even gave him the time of day. When was the last time he even showered? Shit. He’d covered up the gash on the side of his face, right?

“Uh, excuse me?”

He was snapped out of his thoughts at the sound of your voice.

Toby blinked. “Y-yeah?” Fuck. His stutter. He tried to compose himself, his face involuntary grimacing and his body twitching despite his efforts. God he can only imagine what you were thinking right now.

“Could you please move so I can grab some (favorite snack)?” You were clearly trying your best to maintain a friendly smile. He could tell you were uncomfortable; he’d been staring far too long. Had you caught him looking at your…? Shit, he hoped you hadn’t noticed. Even though he hadn’t exactly been very subtle.

You cocked an eyebrow. “Or… I could grab a different snack… I guess?” You let out a nervous chuckle, attempting to lighten the mood, getting ready to retreat from the strange guy in front of you.

“No! That’s nuh-not necessary… luh-let me just…” He grabbed one of the bags containing your desired snack, and with a hand getting sweatier by the minute offered it to you.

“Here yuh-you go” He twitched, the corners of his mouth struggling to make any kind of face that would make him appear normal.

Your hand reached out to grab the food, fingers lightly grazing his own.

His whole body shivered with delight at the contact.

You muttered out a “Thank you” and quickly turned on your heels to scurry away towards the register.

You had picked out a (favorite color) umbrella from a bin and set your items on the counter to be scanned.

The cashier was looking you over, with just about the same amount of subtly as Toby. He was about Toby’s age, early to mid-20s, with messy blonde hair, light green eyes and a dusting of freckles across his face. The guy was good-looking, Toby had noted bitterly, and he continued to watch the two of you interact from afar, with an ever-increasing amount of jealousy.

“Did you find everything you were looking for?” The guy asked. There was a slight playfulness in his tone that you clearly picked up on.

“Uh… yeah? I mean yes.” You began stumbling over your words. “I did… I guess.”

Toby kept listening, still pretending to be invested in deciding what food to buy, all while smiling to himself. You may have understood the cashier was interested in you, but boy were you bad at dealing with it.

“Glad to hear it. And are you part of our rewards program….?” He trailed off expectantly. The cashier wanted to know your name, Toby realized, and he wanted to know too.

“(Y/N).” You replied hastily. “And no, I’m not.”

(Y/N). Toby repeated in his head. It suited you.

The cashier lifted his eyebrows and flashed a wide toothy grin. “That’s a pretty name.”

“Thanks, my mom gave it to me.” You blurted out. It was an awkward attempt to flirt back, failing to match the man’s laidback approach to flirting. Luckily for you, the guy didn’t seem to care, laughing at your small quip in spite of the poor delivery. And to Toby, your embarrassing display just made you more charming in his eyes.

He watched as your items were scanned and placed in a plastic bag. As soon as you finished paying you had grabbed your things while stuffing your wallet back in your pocket, obviously eager to leave so you wouldn’t humiliate yourself any further.

Rushing towards the door, the guy called out to you, “Have a nice day!”

Without thinking you answered, “No thank you!” And stopped, still facing the door, blinking at what you just said.

Eyes wide, you ran out the door and Toby watched your retreating form disappear into the rain.

You had even forgot to use the umbrella you just bought.

*******************

Afterwards, he kept replaying in his head that scene of you scrambling to leave the store after fucking up your conversation with the cashier. Toby had to stifle his laughter after he had witnessed it. It definitely brightened his day, something that pretty much never happens.

He wondered if it would be easy for him to get you that flustered, to be the cause of such a cute reaction instead of that jackass guy. To tease you and flirt with you. Were you always so nervous or was what he saw just a one-time thing, maybe you had just been caught off guard? Toby wanted to find out more about you, see if you could be the source of any more entertainment.

Plus, it definitely helped that he found you easy on the eyes. He could always just admire you from afar if you weren’t doing anything particularly interesting that day.

At least that’s what he had told himself at first. A crush that’s all it was, you were just his type. If his life hadn’t turned out the way it did, he probably would’ve ended up with someone like you. But that wasn’t possible now, he would just have to settle for following you around (stalking) for a couple more days, and then he’d get these feelings out of his system. Get bored.

And he kept thinking that. A couple more days, until he gets bored.

Of course, it never ended up being just a couple more days.

By now he knew almost everything about you. At first, he followed you home so he would know where you lived and could find you easily. Then he moved on to figuring out what your basic daily schedule looked like. Nothing too complicated for someone like him. It was standard procedure when a proxy was assigned a specific target.

However, at this point he knew everything from your favorite color to your bra size.

You were anything but another victim for him to eventually hack to death.

His initial assumptions were that you’d be an intensely anxious person, from what he’d gathered from his first impression he got at the convenience store. Although that wasn’t the case. You had a much more layered personality and Toby was dying peel it back like skin to see all the tendons and viscera underneath.

Sure, you were sometimes awkward, mostly when you were put into a social situation you were not expecting or prepared for. Which admittedly, happened more often for you than the average person. You were just more on the introverted side, not necessarily shy or timid.

He’s seen you hang out with a couple close friends, and with them you acted more natural. You definitely liked to be the funny one of the group, always quick with a joke or sarcastic remark.

At one point while catching up with a friend of yours, they had asked you if “you were seeing anybody” And without skipping a beat you responded with, “As in dating or hallucinations?” Before eventually informing your friend that you were not, in fact, in any kind of relationship (much to Toby’s relief).

You had lots of interests that fascinated him. His favorite by far being your love of horror. Watching you and your friends sit down to watch a scary movie at your place, seeing how you jokingly cheer on the killer while your friend playfully rolls their eyes. And how your face lights up with fascination when a scene shows a particularly gruesome amount of gore. It almost makes him feel like you and him have something in common. But he knows liking horror movies was a far cry from being able to stomach what he does on a regular basis.

But what was with your hesitation whenever your friends brought up your family? You said they were doing fine, but clearly you were hiding something. Did you have a difficult home life? If that was the case, you and him definitely had something in common. He’d have to find out more about that eventually. But with how guarded you tended to be, even with close friends, he doubted it’d be easy information to obtain. He’d have to get closer to you.

And eventually he did. Not by outright revealing himself to you. Although the thought had crossed his mind. Romantic scenarios of him ‘accidentally’ bumping into you in the street, maybe dropping a copy of a book or movie you like, and you’d excitedly tell him it was your favorite one. What a coincidence it’s his favorite as well. But no, he wasn’t ready for that yet.

Instead, he started to sneak (break) into your home while you were gone or when he was sure you were fast asleep. The smell of you on your bedsheets when you were away was enough to make his head swim. Using your stuff, like your shower and toothbrush made him feel like he was almost your live-in boyfriend. He’d also started to take small items he thinks you wouldn’t notice go missing (maybe a few pairs of underwear). Anything that reminded him of you. Unfortunately, he did look to see if you kept a journal or diary somewhere, something that could give him an idea of what really went on in that head of yours, but came up empty.

You had a laptop, one you used religiously and was often the cause of you staying up so damn late every night (like he’s one to talk), but you had a password on it, and he wasn’t about to ask BEN for any favors.

But this unrequited love (obsession) of his was going to have change soon.

You weren’t dumb, that much Toby knew, you were beginning to notice things. You were very observant, almost to a point of paranoia, an aspect about you Toby found rather challenging. He wondered where that came from, something to do with your past maybe?

He could tell you were suspecting someone was watching you and tampering with your possessions. You started to close the blinds on your windows, double check to see if everything was locked before you left during the day. He even saw you set up little traps around your home. Using thin, almost translucent wire you had taped them across different cabinets and doors in your home while you were away, checking to see if any had been moved or broken when you returned. A trick you had picked up from one those scary movies you enjoyed so much. And if Toby hadn’t seen you do it, he probably wouldn’t have even noticed the almost invisible strings. God you were smart.

And that was the problem.

He couldn’t stop, that much was for sure. He needed you now. Needed that feeling he got when he saw you, it was like he had gained a dependency on it and he wasn’t about to quit cold turkey.

You were going to have to see him again. This time for real. No awkward stuttering. No running away before he got a chance to introduce himself.

He had decided he was going to become a part of your life now.

Permanently.

[hermette-historian]

Is the Project Dead? Where Has Wynnie Been? Hello....?

.....they yell into the abyss, and rightfully so, for the Historian waved goodbye and disappeared into the wild blue yonder and has not been seen for quite some time. But lo! she returns and hails you, for she is neither dead nor dying nor, arguably, completely insane...simply missing. And no longer missing. Obviously.

First of all, the project is not dead. We all knew when I started that it was an idea born of pandemic-induced mania, and if it isn't already obvious after nearly a year of destroying my my eyes watching 2013 Hermitcraft nonstop I burned out. Hard. Fizzled, one might say. I will admit with a heavy heart that I haven't watched a single Hermitcraft video since about Christmas. When I eventually resurfaced on Discord about a month ago, I wasn't even sure what season it was. But, my dear friends and fellow time travelers, I miss it so. And now - finally - I believe I may have the motivation to pick up where we left off.... if I can figure out when that is.

So where have I been? Good question and I'm so glad you asked. It's been awhile, would you mind if we had a chat over a cup of tea?

If you're not on my Discord server, you may be wondering what the hell I've been up to. Wynn is a bit of a one-trick pony, right? well....uh, no. Unfortunately. Sometimes I wish I was.

Of course the reality behind the Historian is that she is in fact not a Historian at all, but a scientist. I've been back at university full force as the pandemic winds down, and by the end of next year I expect to have completed my education with a Bachelor of Science in Chemistry, a Bachelor of Arts in Physics, and some incidental minors in Music Composition and Asian Studies. Of course, that all hinges on completing a handful of summer courses before my senior year....programming is a piece of cake, right? Right? This summer and into the fall that is also coming with sponsored projects in Astronomy (yay data mining -_-) and Neuroscience (for which I'm doing....animation? and theater design? It's a long story I'm not sure how I got here either).

I've also kept my job at the theater! For those of you that remember me mentioning that occasionally. Stage work is the love of my life and I talk about it constantly (considered making an alt account just for quotes and antics from work because I think I'm hilarious but honestly that's what my twitter is for). I'm putting in almost 40 hours a week on average there these days so if you're wondering why I don't have time...heh. It's fun though I recommend it. And I'm not a theater kid.

If anyone was concerned, physically and mentally right now I'm doing fine. Not dead on either front, promise! Just trying to give all of my duckies a stern enough look to keep them in line. I'm beginning to suspect some of them might be blind and/or obstinate.

The project is not dead. The Historian is not dead. Just maybe....slow for awhile. Thank you, my dear friends, for being patient with us.